"[Speaking fantasy language]" "[Speaking fantasy language]" "Seriously, her pussy is, like, falling out." "Someone needs to feed that thing" "Before it eats her shorts." "[Speaking fantasy language]" "What are you faggots talking about?" "No." "You must be mistaken." "We're not gay." "You choads were checking out my ass, weren't you?" "I-I-i wasn't." "Well, at least I'm not gay." "Fuck you." "Come on." "Stick it in the hole!" "Yeah!" "I got one more." "I got one more." "Bring it." "Bring it, baby." "Bring it, baby." "Bring it, baby." "Push it." "Push it." "Let me see you stick it." "Oh, that's such a bulge." "What is that, like, 100 pounds?" "No, it's 40." "Oh, okay, I got it." "Come on." "Bring it down." "I got one more." "I got one more." "Let's see that bicep bulge, baby." "Here we go." "Here we go." "This is it." "I wanna see your bulge." "I wanna see your bulge." "It's a flex-off." "Oh, my God." "Yeah." "You feel that?" "Oh!" "Oh, man, I felt your bulge." "Oh, God." "My sweater's all nasty." "[Clears throat]" "What's up?" "Yeah, one English lit 435 paper." "The freudian interpretation of the bell jar." "Yeah, put it..." "Put it there." "The football team thanks you" "For keeping me on the field." "Our pleasure." "Which is why I went ahead and got you guys" "A little token of my gratitude." "Call it something special" "For being so contingent." "Yeah." "Uh, consistent." "Yeah, whatever." "[Laughs]" "You're gonna love this." "We can pledge next semester?" "[Both laugh]" "Oh, please. [Laughs]" "Oh, lower it down." "Lower it down." "Oh, use my shit, bro." "Oh, my God." "That's what bros are for, bro." "You got that much game?" "Oh, yeah." "Man, you shave your..." "Dude, yeah, man." "Chicks dig it." "Oh, Jesus, that was good." "Oh, my." "Where was I?" "You were about to give us $300 for the homework." "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Anyway, I thought, like, this time," "Something instead of money." "No way, man." "We said 300." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hold up, Frodo and frodette." "Oh, burn!" "Oh, yeah!" "Anyway, yeah, so I made some calls" "And, like, I could get you guys" "Into what promises to be..." "Wait for it..." "The best party of the decade" "Tomorrow night." "We're listening." "No, thanks." "Yeah." "No." "No." "Yeah." "Right." "Well, maybe you guys have heard" "Of the Hollywood fucking hills." "Anyway, yeah, my boy's working the door," "And I can't go because, uh," "Well, I'm fucking both of your moms" "In the ass." "Oh, burn!" "Oh, it burns so good." "Jk, bro, jk." "I mean, this is probably going to be" "The most pussy there's ever been" "In one place guaranteed." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, no b.S., bra." "Thanks for the offer, but we want the money." "The money?" "Okay." "All right." "Hey, it's your call." "I mean, I just thought maybe you guys," "Like, actually wanted to get laid" "And go to a party" "Before you graduate..." "Or die." "Oh, double burn." "Twice." "Yeah, have fun staying at home" "With your whack pack of super nerd shut-ins." "Oh!" "Doing whatever, man." "All right." "I'll get the cash." "Wait!" "An opportunity like this" "Only comes once in a lifetime." "You let him gyp us out of $300." "How's that an opportunity?" "It's time we stopped playing video games." "We need to get some tail physically, not digitally." "We speak elvish, okay?" "Nobody even wants to be" "In the same time zone as us," "Let alone a Hollywood party." "I'm not going, man." "No way." "Dude, don't take your blue balls out on me" "Just because your girlfriend locked her pussy up in fort knox" "And gave the key to Jesus." "Shut up, dude." "No, I'm not going alone." "You're going." "Well, then we're not going," "And we're out three bills," "So that's great." "Fine." "I'll go with the clan." "The clan?" "Yeah, let's see." "Kwan barely speaks English," "Marcus' condition doesn't allow him to talk to girls," "Doug's restraining order" "Canvasses all of Los Angeles." "I'm pretty sure that includes the hills." "Look, I'm sick and tired" "Of you moping around all the time." "You need to get laid." "Whatever." "No, no." "Just because my grandma" "Has a better sex drive than your girlfriend" "Doesn't give you an excuse to be a cock." "Forget about my relationship." "Look, you're either going solo," "Or you're not going at all." "And if you do decide to go," "I'm gonna laugh my ass off" "When you get kicked out." "Speak of the devil and she appears." "And in her mormon undergarments, no less." "Shut the fuck up, man." "No, dude." "It's time to draw a line in the sand" "Or move on." "Your virginity's not getting any younger." "You gonna finally have the talk?" "I've been trying." "Hey!" "Hello, ed." "Hey." "Loser." "Goodbye, ed." "[Speaking fantasy language]" "Yeah." "So I was wondering." "Maybe we could go to nona's tonight" "And hang out with their youth group for a while." "I don't know, Kim." "What do you not know about?" "I think just maybe we should talk." "Okay." "What's the matter?" "The same thing that's been the matter" "For the past three and a half years." "The sex thing again?" "Look, I know it's a broken record." "It's just, I have to..." "I have to lay down the law." "The law?" "I don't wanna go through college a virgin." "You know what?" "Just go back to your porn stars and your hand lotion." "Leave Emily Addison out of this." "Ross, just met me at youth group tonight." "Arghhhh!" "Okay." "Maybe after, we could do some under the clothes touching?" "If you're good." "All right." "See you later." "Fuck!" "Hey, get to work." "I'm not paying you 4.99 a minute" "Just to get to know you better." "Hey, Doug, fuck you, okay?" "If you weren't our webmaster." "You'd probably be working at a drive-through somewhere." "Burger boy." "Hey, there is nothing in the law" "That says I cannot spend money where I work." "Now suck titty." "Okay, ladies, let's slay us a dragon." "Kwan, sign on." "Kwan-ho, let's go." "Ed:" "Marcus?" "Artemis at the ready." "Let's go." "Look, I know I helped your ass-burgers" "To get into character, balakas," "But lay off the r.P." "Hey, no, no, no." "What are you doing?" "You're pro." "You don't need me to talk you through this." "Fucking Doug." "Seriously, after the game, dude." "Look, my dick needs attention." "Fat ass." "Oh, you wanna play?" "I can do that." "Time for a raid." "Shit." "Take that, bitch!" "[Girls laughing]" "Marcus!" "Hear me!" "Hear me!" "Hear you?" "Aye." "Yeah!" "Aah!" "Ha ha ha!" "Douglas j.K." "That was hella funny." "Whoo!" "And I recorded that shit, too." "Upload." "That's gonna get so many fucking views." "Fuck this!" "I'm gonna kick your fat fucking ass." "Ladies, I just did an epic raid." "Let's do this." "Is it beating fast for you, Gina?" "Oh, yes, it is." "Get out here, snack boy." "You're about to get a long overdue ass-whupping." "Oh!" "Oh!" "That fat ass will jerk off forever." "Lick my dick." "Yes, lick kwan's penis, you dick." "[Speaking fantasy language]" "No." "No." "You know, he's like your little brother" "That, like, never gets laid, you know?" "Oh..." "Oh..." "Hey, what the fuck?" "You're on the clock." "Not cool." "You should never intentionally wipe a raid." "I'm gonna report you to buck." "I'm the best webmaster" "That the porndarosa's got." "You gotta be nice to me." "By the way, funboy," "Buck said that you better get current on your bill" "Or he's gonna fire your ass." "The last time buck fired someone," "He literally fired a shot at them." "At their ass." "Log out." "Hey, guys?" "Guys?" "Guys?" "Look, I'm just fucking around, guys." "Come on." "Porno's off." "Let's go." "Guys?" "Damn that shit." "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Play it cool, guys." "[Speaking broken English]" "What was I thinking?" "We don't belong here." "Marcus, need a drink, man?" "What do I do to get one?" "Turn around." "Ask the waitress." "Waitress:" "What can I get you?" "You don't need to get me anything," "I don't think." "Wait, maybe you do." "He'll have a Jack and coke." "Maybe we should split up." "We won't attract as much attention." "Good idea." "The museum." "Come on." "I got enough data stored in my spank bank" "To jerk off for the next four years." "Are you blind?" "We gotta get out of here." "They know we're not supposed to be here." "We're gonna get our asses kicked." "I'm fucking one of these chicks tonight." "You watch." "Get it through your head, ed." "No chicks are gonna touch us." "[Footsteps]" "She's not wearing any underwear." "I know." "Oh. [Giggles]" "Oh, God." "She's doing coke." "[Snorts]" "What does she want?" "Oh, shit." "You scared me." "How did you get in here?" "Oh, I, uh..." "[Laughs] It's okay, darling." "Listen, you kind of caught me white handed here," "So you know what that means." "I'll give you a little bump." "No, thanks." "I..." "Come on." "It's good." "Wait a minute." "Wait." "You're mellony Adams." "You were in thunder run 3." "Holy shit." "[Laughs] That piece of shit?" "Oh, my God." "You killed my sister." "And now you have to..." "[Together] Face my wrath!" "Best catch phrase ever." "Yeah!" "God, what..." "No, no, no, no." "Listen, you try to be typecast at my age," "And you take every fricking loathing line" "And you try to make it into this..." "Something." "Except..." "Except..." "For these lines." "[Laughs]" "Oh, man." "Whoo!" "Damn!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Try it." "It's really good." "Whoo!" "It's so good," "It make you wanna move, doesn't it?" "Whoo!" "No, it hurts." "[Laughs]" "Listen, what's your name?" "Ed." "Oh, yeah?" "Ed?" "I know we just met, ed," "But would you like to drink" "A little champagne with me?" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "You don't belong here, asshole." "I beg your pardon?" "He's talking to you, poindexter." "Look, we're gonna throw you the fuck out" "Unless you do something for us." "Like what?" "Kind of hot in here, though." "I think I'm overdressed." "Ed, could you help me with that, please?" "Oh, that's no problem." "No problem." "Here we go." "Wow, my friends are never gonna believe I did this." "This is fucking insane." "Well, it's good to get a little crazy sometimes, darling." "Yeah." "This may be a little off subject," "But you haven't heard of any of those new cell phones" "That have cameras and record videos." "I don't know." "I must have one." "Oh, shut up and grab my rocking tits." "That's what I call a catch phrase." "Whoo!" "Whoa!" "Whoo!" "[Giggles]" "This is gonna be fun." "See that sizzling hot blonde chick over there?" "The one next to that huge mma looking motherfucker." "Affirmative." "Here's what you're gonna do." "You're gonna walk your puny little ass over there," "And you're gonna ask her," "Can I get all up in that labe?" "Labe?" "Are you referring" "To that lady's labia majora?" "Hey, we call it labe for short." "Kwan." "Oh, yes!" "Yes, right there." "Oh!" "Oh, yes." "Holy shit, you better be recording this." "What?" "Nothing." "[Moaning]" "Oh, yes, ed." "Teach my pussy." "Sex me, ed." "Sex-ed." "Teach my pussy." "Yeah!" "* you know you gals, you kind of sexy * * don't let no man tell you that you ain't nothing * * they're trying to abuse you * * and make you feel like... *" "* you can do way, way better than that * * you can do way, way... *" "Oh, man, Ron's gonna fuck that kid up." "No doubt." "Um..." "Hello." "Hi." "Um, those gentlemen over there" "Are asking me to ask you, um..." "If I could get up in your labe." "Excuse me?" "If I could get up in your labe." "But I think they were referring to you labia majora" "Or the fold of skin on the outsides of your vagina" "Encasing the vulva." "Oh, my fucking God." "Ron, did you hear" "What he was just telling me?" "What's up, babe?" "What?" "Aah!" "* from there, you can do way, way better than that * * you can do way, way better than that *" "Pshht." "What a dick." "Motherfucker!" "Shit, is that mellony Adams?" "Aah!" "Oh, my God." "I fucked mellony Adams," "And I have proof." "Best night of my fucking life." "Oh, my God." "Wait until Doug hears about this." "Roll up the window, man." "What are you doing?" "Oh, my God." "Marcus needs to go to a hospital." "You okay?" "Did I get to see her labia?" "[Speaking broken English]" "I deem the knockout to be worth it." "Dudes, we hung out with actual girls." "I'm glad you're okay." "He's okay." "He's okay." "Whoo!" "Best 300 bucks we've ever spent." "Epic win!" "Epic win!" "Epic won." "* me and my wang * * just hanging out on the porch * * drinking a beer * * hand down my pants and doing my thing *" "* I'm drinking a beer and playing with my wang * * whoo hoo-hoo hoo-hoo-hoo *" "[Imitating guitar solo]" "Oh, where the fuck you guys go?" "Oh, nowhere," "Except the most epic party in history." "Bam!" "Go ahead." "Take a look." "Wait." "Is that..." "Is that..." "Mm-hmm." "Mellony motherfucking Adams." "Maybe you've seen her before in every movie ever made." "I hope you enjoyed your masturbatory evening" "In solitude, Douglas." "Okay, fuck you guys." "Why didn't you invite me?" "Next time don't ruin our raid." "Maybe you'll get an invite." "Oh, I've gotta go to sleep." "I think I have a concussion," "And I'm extremely inebriated." "Me, too." "Good night, dick." "All right, you guys got me." "I'm a douchebag." "I'm sorry..." "That you forgot your fucking phone." "Oh!" "You know, it'd be a goddamn shame" "If this video were to somehow make its way" "To the worldwide web." "Holy fucking shit." "Did last night really happen?" "Yes, it really happened." "I boned mellony Adams?" "Yep." "And kwan was there, too?" "I'm trying to eat." "Yep." "I got it all on my phone." "Look, you guys can watch it back a million times if you want," "But it has to stay between us, okay?" "We can get into a shitstorm of trouble" "If anybody sees it." "Fuck that." "I want the world to know what a stud I am." "I boned mellony Adams." "It doesn't get any non-gayer than that." "I'd rather bang Halle Berry." "Britney!" "Britney!" "Or eva Mendez." "Emily Addison." "You guys are just jealous that I dabbled the dipstick" "In some Hollywood cream-sashine." "Okay, ed, come on." "Seriously." "Think about it, okay?" "We only got into that party" "Because of Delaney's buddy." "We weren't really invited," "So technically we can get arrested for trespassing." "Not to mention, we kind of filmed a sex tape without consent," "So there's always that." "What good is bonking a babe" "If I can't tell anybody?" "It's enough that we know, right?" "Oh, my God." "It is you." "Sex-ed." "Oh, my God." "And you're kwan-zai." "Oh, and you poor baby." "Got your jaw broken" "Without having any of the fun." "Actually, it's just a contusion of the zygomatic bone" "With some secondary bruising on the left mandible." "Whatever. [Laughs]" "Well, we look forward" "To seeing more of you in action, stud." "Come on." "All:" "Fucking Doug!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, dude." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey, you!" "Hey, sweetie." "What the heck, Ross?" "You don't answer my texts now?" "When?" "Oh, nona's." "Yeah, nona's I waited there for two hours" "Looking like a jerk." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Let's do it tonight." "I have study group." "I promise I'll make it up to you sometime, okay?" "Num-num!" "Bye." "Num-num." "Dude, no one turns me away like that." "Dude." "You wanna try it again?" "Yeah, let's get back." "Oh, man, did you moisturize this morning?" "Yeah, every morning." "Of course I did." "[Moaning]" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Tickle, tickle, tickle." "Hold up." "Hold up." "Doug, bend over so I can burn your fucking balls." "Oh, hey!" "Hey, man!" "She was about to stick her whole foot in her mouth." "You get on that pornderosa site right now" "And take down that video." "I don't know what you're talking about." "You post last night's sexcapade" "On a fucking porn site you work for." "[Clapping]" "You figure that all out by yourself, Sherlock?" "But once again, you're only half right." "You see, a video of that great quality" "Deserves its own website" "So that everyone can see it in all its glory," "And I would hate to deprive people" "Of that now. [Laughs]" "I'm gonna shove that mouse right down your fucking piehole" "If you don't take it down right now." "I'm afraid you douchebags are a little too late." "Check it out." "You're an overnight celebrity, my friend." "Over three and a half million hits and counting." "Holy shit." "Awesome!" "No, not awesome." "Take it down!" "Okay." "That's it." "Get rid of this." "No, no, no." "I'm never gonna get that kind of pussy again." "Guys." "Guys." "Guys!" "The God damn cat's out of the bag." "This thing is viral." "[Knock on door]" "Hey, must be some of my fan club." "Answer it, Marcus." "Got to let them come to me." "Like that, satchmo?" "'Cause vinny here," "He can serve up sex real quick." "All right, everybody over here now." "Sit down." "Come on." "Sit down!" "Hmm." "I don't know, Danny." "Which one do you think is the mastermind?" "It sure as hell ain't Jackie Robinson over here." "Or jabba the hut." "Or wang chung." "Maybe..." "Just maybe..." "It's the little prick who fucked my client" "On the Internet." "Maybe..." "Just maybe..." "The prick didn't know that fucking my client" "Was like you're fucking me!" "You all right?" "You sure?" "Where are my manners?" "Huh?" "Was I raised in the woods?" "Mm-mmm." "No." "Well..." "Let me introduce myself." "I'm Benny silva." "I'm a talent manager," "And my client is mellony Adams." "You had sex with her against her will," "Recorded it and put it on the Internet." "It wasn't against her will." "She totally wanted my rod." "No speaking out of turn." "Shut the fuck up!" "I could have all of you arrested for trespassing," "Making pornography against the will of my client," "Defamation." "The list goes on and on." "Hey, man, it was them." "I had nothing to do with it." "I wasn't even there." "Come on, brother." "I had nothing to do with it..." "Shut up!" "Then why was it uploaded" "From your fucking computer?" "[Squeals]" "Nobody likes a snitch." "And I sure as hell don't want to see" "A group of fine young men like yourselves..." "Going to jail." "So that's why I'm offering you" "Another option." "Whatever it is, we'll take it." "Anything." "You are going to pay me a half a million dollars" "In the next 30 days." "Or you're going to end up" "A bunch of pretty little jailhouse bitches," "Dead in a ditch," "Or both." "[Urinating]" "Accidents happen." "Oh, God, we're so fucked." "It's not so bad." "I mean, half a million sounds like a lot," "But there's five of us." "We could donate blood." "Or a kidney." "Black market kidneys" "Sell for an average of $20,000." "Unless you got 20 extra kidneys stashed away," "That ain't gonna work." "We could rob a bank." "Rob a bank to not go to jail." "Yeah, that's brilliant." "Yeah, hey, at least I'm coming up with ideas here." "It's your great ideas that got us into this in the first place." "You could have stayed at home with your girlfriend" "And not had sex again." "No, fuck you." "Fuck you." "No, fuck kwan." "Actually, I'm the one getting screwed here." "I'm just saying." "Technically, I've sustained the most serious injuries." "Shut up." "Everyone shut up please." "Damn, if we were chicks," "We could strip our way to a half million no problem." "I'd make extra 'cause I wouldn't shave my bush." "What?" "It's a great way to half a mil." "Why not just go all the way and make a porn?" "You could star in hot and hairy volume 69." "That's it!" "[Chuckles] 69." "You gonna grow a vagina?" "No, dude," "We can't strip our way to a half million," "But we can screw our way to it." "We've just got to make more sex tapes." "That's the complete opposite" "Of what we should do." "Dude, dude, all we have to do" "Is find some willing has-been celebrities" "And convince them to have sex on camera." "It's insane exposure." "All anyone's been talking about all day" "Is mellony Adams." "Just the pervs on campus, man." "Not actually." "I mean, she's trending pretty hard." "Top five searches on the Internet." "Okay." "Why can't they just make their own tapes?" "I mean, why would they need us?" "'Cause we've got a proven track record." "Our video has... 17 million." "17 million hits." "Think about it." "Exposure." "I don't know." "Doug can set up the websites." "We'll watch the cash roll in." "I just..." "You got any better ideas?" "I didn't think so." "Where can we find a chick" "That's desperate enough" "To bang her way back to fame?" "I know of a venue that will have" "Several of those female individuals in attendance currently." "There's shelby Jones." "She played a valkyrie berserker" "On blood and breath swords," "Seasons two through five." "Dude, I'll totally ragnarok her world." "Hi, Mrs. Jones." "I really like it in episode 312" "When you beheaded the evil hydro" "After drinking the invincibility potion." "Thanks, kid." "So you want an autograph or..." "Oh, will you have sexual intercourse" "With my friend ed and allow us to videotape it" "So that we can make money and pay off someone who's blackmailing us?" "Christ." "You little shits get weirder every year." "Sorry, sorry." "He's just joking." "He's just acting out a scene in episode 478." "You know, when the evil prince comes..." "That's crazy." "There's no episode..." "[Coughs] Shut up." "It'll be a tremendous for your career." "Just let ed and I do it, okay?" "You got to find the right chick," "One who's washed up." "Desperate, but still kind of hot." "Someone with a bit of a sexy background." "Forget it, man." "This isn't going to work." "Let's just go pack for jail." "Bingo!" "[Chuckles]" "Jillian baines." "Lieutenant commander zolara" "On orient five seasons one through four." "Zolara was a completely realistic android" "With six times the intensity of normal human strength" "And telescopic vision." "She died saving the starship hyperion" "From a quantum singularity." "Fascinating." "I've heard about her." "The show's creators killed her character off" "After some nude photos of her surfaced..." "Which I still own, by the way..." "Plus she is a total drunk." "Never showed up to the set on time." "Ahh..." "Yeah." "What are you doing?" "Excuse me?" "Look at all these dried up old hags" "Trying to cling to the last bit of money" "They can make for a job they did 10 years ago." "But you..." "You're in your prime." "You just need the right opportunity." "Are you trying to sell something?" "Because I can call security, all right?" "You got to register three weeks in advance" "If you wanna be a vendor here." "The only thing I'm trying to sell you" "Is a chance to reinvigorate your career." "Do you have an Uncle" "That's the head of a studio or something?" "Better." "I'm the studio, the agent," "And the costar." "You ever heard of a little thing called the Internet?" "Are you retarded?" "Like a fox." "Did you see that little video" "With mellony Adams?" "Yeah." "It's blowing up everywhere." "It's on tmz, entertainment tonight, extra." "Everybody's talking about it." "I would kill for that kind of coverage." "You don't have to kill." "I'm the guy in that video." "You?" "Me." "You know they're calling you sex-ed on the blogs." "Oh, yeah." "So you're offering..." "A refresher course." "Hmm." "All right, I'll fuck you." "[Chuckles]" "But it's gonna take a lot of liquid courage." "Show's over." "Aw, damn it." "It's not the right mount." "Tripod shots are 75% steadier than handheld," "And that number goes up to 350%" "For shots zoomed in more than four times." "Shut up." "Get the lube." "Ooh." "You know, if ed can't do this whole thing by himself." "I can always jump in and take over, you know." "Sorry, fat-ass." "This is a one-man show." "Just get the website together, okay?" "All right, come on, guys." "She's gonna be here any second." "Let's go." "Hello." "So..." "Who wants to fuck the hottest robot in this quadrant?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "You?" "Ooh." "Somebody's ready to launch." "Over here." "Over here!" "Oh, yes." "There's my stud." "So you gonna fuck me like mellony?" "Are you?" "Hell, yeah." "Action!" "I don't wanna film this." "Shoot, shoot, shoot." "My mission is to find out what happens" "When you stick your probe balls deep." "[Laughs]" "Party time, space girl." "Yeah." "Huh?" "Okay." "[Laughs] Ooh, robot on robot sex" "Is hot and heavy." "Oh, yeah, baby." "Ooh." "I was sent to study" "The sexual reproduction rituals" "Of your species." "Huh?" "I'm a fucking android." "I don't have a species." "Excuse me, but technically speaking," "Androids can build other androids" "And therefore be classified as a species." "Get out of the shot." "All right." "All right." "Where was I?" "Oh, yeah." "I was about to insert" "My hard disk into your v-drive unit." "[Moaning]" "Oh, God. [Chuckles]" "Next mission, you're gonna drill for oil" "On the moon. [Laughs]" "Negative." "Negative." "Negative." "No, no." "We are going to stick to cave exploration" "On this expedition." "Fine." "Yeah, give it to me." "[Moaning]" "You've penetrated." "You've penetrated my force field." "You're gonna have to make a direct hit" "To make me cum." "Yeah." "Stay on target." "Stay on target." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Ohh..." "Oh, God." "Look at the size of that thing." "Kwan-zai!" "[Splat]" "Hey, Ross, it's Kim." "Uh, just calling to say hello." "So where have you been, silly goose?" "I've just, you know, been worried sick about you," "And, um..." "All right, well, just call me" "When you're not too busy, I guess." "Bye." "Arghhhh!" "Holy fucking shit." "Up to 17 million hits in only three days." "Unbelievable." "Taking into account the exponential nature of these videos" "With a minimal coefficient of 16.3," "And now with two videos," "If you refresh the screen," "We should have 17,274,000 hits now." "That mans with the advertising revenue" "Growing at a rate of 14.43 per 300k," "That we will be able to come up with the money." "We just need to keep producing videos." "We need to find some new girls." "Where do we go to find them?" "Uh, guys." "I don't think that's gonna be a problem." "[Laughs]" "We need to hang out more, Ross." "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." "Yeah, I know." "I've just been really busy" "With studying, school, and stuff, you know." "Yeah, well, you should come to my study group." "I think it would really help you concentrate." "Like, I really don't see how you get anything done" "Living in that house with a bunch of losers." "Ross?" "Ross?" "Have you heard anything I just said?" "Huh?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Studying." "We can do that sometime." "Yeah, look, I gotta get back to work..." "Uh, studying for work." "Okay." "I gotta go, okay?" "Bye." "Yeah." "Uh, Ross?" "Isn't it that way?" "Yeah. [Laughs] Guess so." "Thank you." "Okay, so who's up to bat?" "Former reality TV personality Debbie Ballard." "She's the one that ate that bull cock" "To win a challenge." "Sorry, kwan." "She's actually got a special request." "Nope." "Black." "Classic mud shark." "Marcus." "I can't." "Sure, you can." "It's easy." "In, out, in, out, in, out." "I can't do it." "It's gonna be outside," "So it'll help you with your claustrophobia." "We're actually going for some better production value." "Seriously, I don't think I can." "You can and you will." "Okay." "Okay." "Good." "Better dust off your cock, knave." "You're on deck." "No, not happening." "No way." "Yes way." "You know how much money we'd make" "If you lost your cherry on camera?" "Virgins are big business, dude." "Like, I don't care." "Look, I don't mind helping you guys out," "But I will never, ever have sex on camera, okay?" "Shut the fuck up, you two." "We're gonna be late for Marcus' scene." "It's time to build the course." "[Gulp]" "[Whistle]" "Challenger, in order to win this," "You must up that bucket with water." "That doesn't sound hard." "You have 30 seconds" "While I shoot at you with a paintball gun." "Go!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Oh, God!" "Move it, you loser." "I'm coming." "Move it!" "I'm coming." "Oh, God." "I'm coming." "Come on!" "Come on, you pussy!" "Hey!" "I'm coming." "I'm coming." "Four!" "One!" "You did it!" "[Panting]" "Come claim your prize." "Okay." "Time to go head first." "Yeah!" "Whoa." "That's it." "Munch away, brother." "Like mashed potatoes and gravy." "Oh!" "Oh, yeah." "[Gasping] I can't breathe." "My pussy's got all the oxygen you need." "Actually, there's only 6.8 ounces of oxygen" "In the average vagina." "That would last a man my size" "About 12 uninterrupted minutes theoretically." "Shut up!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Aah!" "I'm gonna blow!" "What?" "I'm a squirter." "Yeah!" "[Splat]" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "My inhaler." "My inhaler." "My inhaler." "So is she." "[Groaning] My inhaler!" "Oh, my God." "That's that guy." "That's ed." "I heard he boned raven Simone." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "And tea-bagged Meg Ryan." "Fuck, yeah." "[Laughs]" "I mean, you got to make sure to moisturize." "It's the most important thing." "Dude, I only use lotion for when I masturbate." "Dude, you're not even capitalizing" "On what lotion can do." "I mean, dude, check out my muscles." "Let me get some of that." "Get some." "Get on that." "Why would you even be waiting on anything?" "I mean, just do it." "Right?" "So soft and..." "Ed!" "Ed, dude!" "What's up, brah?" "Come here." "Yeah, bring it in, ed." "Bring it in." "Yeah, what's..." "Hey." "Oh, dude," "You should come by the house tonight." "Oh, man, it's going to be a rager." "Oh, man, we're gonna have kegs," "Drugs. [Laughs]" "Sluts." "Sluts." "Definitely sluts." "All right," "Who's the next contestant on "fuck me famous"?" "We're still getting a shit ton of fucking emails." "I just got one from a Liz Cooper." "Liz Cooper played coach shearson" "In seasons two and three of hoops high." "Okay." "Uh, Katie Mayer." "Katie Mayer played janey the secretary" "On the first season of Chicago sons." "Holy shit." "She just sent us a nice little photo of herself here." "Look at that ass." "Marcus!" "Ross?" "Asperger." "Uh, Marcus?" "You're acting really weird today." "Did you take your medicine?" "What, nothin'." "Oh, hi." "Hey, babe, what's going on?" "Hi." "Uh, what's going on here, Ross?" "Oh, just hangin' out." "Bein' dudes." "Looking at dirty porno on the Internet." "[Laughter]" "Jk, no we're not." "We're playing card games and such." "[Laughs]" "Oh, well, well." "What have we here?" "Looks like our friend Jillian bane" "Just got a series regular gig on the new CSI:" "Jersey." "She's going to be playing" "A junkie hooker- slash-police informant." "Huh." "Wow." "She went from not working for the past six years" "To getting a series regular gig on a big network show." "Wonder what caused that, Ross." "What?" "I wouldn't know." "I don't know." "Yeah, um..." "Ross, can I talk to you outside?" "Of course." "Dick." "Hey, if I'm not getting laid, nobody is." "So, uh, what's going on?" "You're not answering my texts," "Your phone goes straight to voicemail." "I mean, if I didn't know any better," "It's like you're trying to avoid me." "No." "I'm not..." "I don't know." "I've just been really busy with, you know," "School and studying and other stuff." "But, hey," "You know you're the most important thing to me, right?" "Right?" "I'm sorry I've been a bit distant lately." "Um, I was on the hill just now and I saw ed," "And, you know, palling around" "With, um, Delaney mulroy and, um..." "Anyways, he gave me a letter for you," "Told me to give it to you." "Really?" "Ed:" ""Ross dog, sex ed here." ""I'm taking a little vacation from fucking on camera." ""Me and Delaney are going to slay" ""Some sorority gash all weekend." ""But the show must go on." ""We've only got 200k left to make." ""So make sure to shoot a few videos." ""Man up, brah!" "Sex ed, out."" "Oh, fuck." "Hey, watch your language." "Sorry." "Hey, I'm gonna skip my third period psych class." "Do you want to go grab a bite to eat?" "Yes." "Fuck, yeah." "Me, too." "I'm starving." "Get some." "Get some." "Yeah." "Come on, dawg." "Kill it." "I can do this." "I'm the game master." "I got this." "Oh, come on." "[All three talking]" "Hi, guys." "Is now a good time?" "Well, can't you see that I am bus..." "[Laughs]" "Ahh." "Well..." "Hi." "Ohh." "Isn't this special?" "Huh." "We got the whole fucking band here." "Ross and the skid marks." "Now, you..." "Got some really big, hairy balls." "To keep taking advantage" "Of those desperate girls on videotape." "No, no, no, Danny." "Uh, "Mr. silver."" "Mr. silver, look, they..." "They're contacting us, okay?" "We've got all these low-rent actresses emailing us." "[Laughing] Now, Mr. silver, he's lying," "Your majesty." "I saw Ross talk to a girl." "I did." "Jillian banes at the comic convention." "I know." "I know." "Now, that drunk bitch's career ended years ago." "She was already dead in the water." "Nobody was ever going to cast her again in anything." "Not until the whole world sees" "Her getting her cyborg bush plowed online." "It's kind of weird, I know." "Mmm..." "So that's why you shit stains" "Are going to keep making your videos with my new clients." "[Laughing]" "Oh, there's no need to worry, fellas," "There's enough to go around, okay?" "Yes." "And the muff scuba diver," "You're going to get another chance." "[Laughing]" "Ichiro," "Get ready to get back in the game, son." "And even your dungeon master's high-cholesterol ass" "Is getting on the pussy treadmill." "What does that even mean?" "Oh, yeah." "And your cameraman," "He'll have to dip his wick, too." "That's a fucking promise." "The chat room trolls" "Are suckers for lily white virgins." "Ross?" "Oh, now, what do we have here?" "Hi." "Kim." "Mmm." "I'm Ross' old friend, Danny." "You're very, very attractive." "Are you an actress?" "No." "Have you done any acting, uh..." "Online?" "Look, that's enough." "Oh, she's more than enough." "I'd really love to stay and chat a while," "But I must get going." "Kim, huh?" "I'll be in touch." "You start tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "Start what?" "What?" "Uh..." "What was that?" "Uh, we don't really know him." "He's just one of Ed's friends." "He seems like a real slime ball." "Okay, can we go eat now?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Okay, okay." "Holy shit, man." "Was he for real?" "He's trying to Jack us for our fucking sex tapes." "With his own docket of unemployed entertainers." "This could be bad." "Never thought I'd say this, guys," "But I think we need ed back." "Guys," "I peed my pants again." "She's here." "Who is it?" "It's Meg lingbren," "The actress that played Natalie Bernard" "On the show sin city p.D." "Oh, yeah." "I remember that show." "Holy shit." "Oh, my God, is it that showgirl?" "Uh, no." "The hot detective?" "No." "What?" "Who is..." "It's not the..." "It's the chief." "How's it goin'?" "So, which one of you boys is gonna fuck me?" "Answer, answer." "Ed, answer, answer, answer." "[Frat boys chanting] Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "[Cell phone ringing]" "Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "Sex Ed's phone!" "Ross:" "Ed!" "No, no, no, this is Delaney!" "This is Delaney!" "Sex Ed's busy pounding some brew dogs!" "Put him on the phone, Delaney!" "It's important!" "All right, all right." "Shit!" "There's only one thing to do, guys." "What?" "Put 'em up." "Okay." "One, two, three." "Oh!" "God damn it!" "Okay, okay, okay." "One, two, three." "Motherfucker." "Yeah, okay." "One, two, three." "Yes." "Take all the time you need, man." "It's okay." "It's all right." "[Somber music playing]" "Son, it must be late there." "What's the matter?" "They're with you always in your heart." "Through the most troubling times." "Kwan." "[Thud]" "[Slow-motion shout]" "[Shouts]" "It's our biggest hit yet." "I guess people like seeing you have giant knee-shooter jugs" "Block out the sun." "This isn't cool, man." "I mean, look at kwan." "Now, we've gotta call the cops." "Impossible." "Marcus, how much are we short?" "$171,453.44." "We fucked our way into the tunnel," "And now we can see some light." "Yeah, whatever you say, sex ed." "What's that supposed to mean?" "[Boing]" "Wait." "D-bag silver just emailed us." "We got another client." "Who is it?" "Oh, this should be interesting." "Says here plushy fetish." "I got this." "Yeah, yeah totally." "Show us how it's done, sex ed." "I will, virgin." "Fuck me, bucky!" "Fuck me!" "Yeah!" "Yeah, dick me, bucky." "Dick me, dick me!" "I'm gonna dick you!" "Bucky, fuck me!" "Oh, she's got some serious issues." "She played cheerleader Abby Collins" "On lakeway heights for six seasons." "After the show was canceled, she played another cheerleader," "Darcy cummings, on thousand palms for four seasons." "Yeah, I love it when you talk dirty to me." "Talk dirty to me." "Okay, um..." "You like bucky, bitch?" "No!" "No?" "No, say it like bucky." "Say it like bucky." "[High-pitched voice] You like bucky, bitch?" "No, chirp like a chipmunk!" "Chirp, motherfucker!" "Chirp!" "[Chirping] Yeah!" "Yeah!" "[Laughing]" "Dude." "[Both laugh]" "Yeah!" "Fuck me, bucky." "[Knock on door] Fuck me!" "Yeah!" "Yeah, dick me, bucky!" "Dick me!" "Dick me!" "[Gasps] Ross, Kim's at the door." "Ross, Kim's at the door!" "Cover for me." "What?" "I'm not here." "No." "All right, get going." "Hey, guys." "Hi, Kimberly." "Where's, uh..." "What happened to you?" "Okay, whatever." "Where's Ross?" "He's not here right now in this room." "Not right now." "We'll tell him you stopped by." "What are you wearing?" "Black people clothes." "[Girl moaning] What was that?" "We are performing a live action role playing exercise." "Yeah. [Chirping]" "[Both chirping]" "Okay, okay, you guys have fun." "Tell Ross to call me." "Okay." "Bye." "Oh, God, I almost had a fucking heart attack." "[Laughing]" "Dude, brah!" "Oh, man." "Way to pound it, sex ed." "Yeah." "What a freak." "And I think I almost threw my back out, too." "What's wrong with you?" "Oh, my God." "Kim almost busted us, man." "Oh, my God." "If she would've known I was in here," "She'd have grabbed a knife and killed us all." "She would have." "Hey, there, chirpy chippers." "Where the hell do you think you're going?" "I wasn't done with you." "Sorry, babe." "This squirrel's busted his last nut for the night." "You're a goddamn chipmunk, not a squirrel." "Hey, babe!" "Oh!" "I've missed you." "So you're here." "Give me a kiss, num nums." "How you doing?" "So you're here." "Yeah." "Um, I was just..." "I was coming back 'cause I want to give you a note." "Well, I'm here now." "You can just tell me what it says." "Well, no." "I think you'd really like what's in it." "Oh." "Yeah." "Okay." "[Laughs]" "Oh." "Oh, it..." "Yeah." "Yeah?" "You know, I think it's about time." "Yeah?" "Yeah, me... me, too." "Look really, me, too." "I..." "But not now." "Like, not here, I mean..." "Maybe somewhere special..." "Hey, Ross, you want to be my sex chipmunk?" "Oh, hi." "I'm Mandy," "And I love girl-on-girl." "I don't know her." "I don't know her." "Really?" "Kim!" "What's her problem?" "Atten hut!" "Ten hut, general Dougie, sir." "At ease, ladies." "Now drop and give me 69." "Oh, yes general Dougie, sir." "Right after I examine corporal Gina here" "For any detonative devices." "Corporal Gina," "Are you hiding any illicit contraband?" "No, sir!" "Ma'am." "[Laughs]" "I think you have to be court-martialed" "For bad, bad, bad behavior!" "Oh, yeah." "Let me pull out my soldier." "[Laughs]" "Aah!" "Oh." "Oh." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "No other male soldiers in this, all right?" "Don't ask." "Don't tell." "God damn it, Doug, I'm cutting off your credit." "Buck." "Hi, sir." "God damn it." "You owe me $7,000 worth of Jack-off time." "I'm not gonna extend no more credit to you, boy." "Buck, I'm good for it." "Oh, I know you are." "In fact, I got a little proposition for you." "Lexa, Gina..." "[Laughs]" "Get on out of here." "Aw!" "Bye, Dougie." "I've seen your website." "I know what you're doing." "The one thing I don't understand, though," "And your deal memo stipulates that anything you do" "In terms of content producing" "Belongs to me along with all assets." "What?" "Yep." "I want a piece of the action." "Doug, I'm willing to let all this slide" "If you just partner with me on a little side project." "I'm listening." "I wanna do a live, pay-per-view, Internet fuck fest" "With that young virgin, Ross." "One night, one hump," "$1 million." "Buck, I don't know if he will." "He's a pussy." "He's scared to fuck on camera." "Every single one of your movies" "Has over 25 million views." "If we can get that young, sweet, virgin boy" "To pop his cherry and sell the live stream for $5.00 a pop," "That's a whole bunch of clams." "I think you can do the math." "Okay, buck, let me get back to you on that." "Oh, and, buck?" "Can you please put lexa and Gina back on?" "I mean I've already gotten started." "I gotta finish up." "You fucking pervert!" "Thanks, buck." "Now where were we, ladies?" "[Knock on door, dialing cell phone]" "Ed:" "Open up, brah!" "Come on!" "Go away!" "[Line ringing]" "You've gotta talk to me, home slice." "You're always the problem, ed." "You're talking crazy." "Just let me in." "[Cell phone rings]" "Come on, man." "She was bound to find out what you were doing." "[Bottle clanks in sink]" "Yeah, but I wanted to explain it to her myself, man," "When the time was right." "When's the time right to tell your girlfriend" "That you're making porn videos" "To pay off a psychopath?" "You mean tell her that you are making porn videos." "Look I may be the star," "But we're in this together, brother." "No." "No, you dragged me into this shit." "Now she's gone." "Maybe that's a good thing." "What?" "Look, Kim's a nice girl." "Too nice." "She's held your cock hostage for four years." "Maybe secretly you wanted to get caught." "Now you're free." "Being free sucks." "You just gotta give it a try." "No." "I want her back." "You're too much of a goddamn pussy!" "I give up." "It's too much work." "You ever stop to think if I wanted your help, ed?" "Huh?" "You ever think that maybe some of us are happy the way we are?" "Some of us don't have to go around showing off" "Every single second of our lives," "'Cause we don't actually hate ourselves." "Fuck you." "You're jealous." "Jealous of what, ed?" "Jealous of you fucking drunk sleazebags" "And chicks who are borderline retarded?" "Yes!" "Exactly." "God, dude, look at you." "I don't even know who you are anymore, asshole." "Who are you calling asshole, cock?" "[Both whining]" "[Squealing]" "Unh!" "Ow!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Ow!" "You're a whore!" "Aah!" "Unh!" "Jerk!" "I'm sorry." "All right, brother." "Let's see how well you do without me." "Fuck you!" "I'm done with all of you for real this time!" "What is the problem?" "Oh, Ed's out for good." "So, yeah, we pretty much have to come up" "With the rest of the cash on our own." "What are we short?" "We need to generate $98,000 in the next four days." "So according to my calculations," "We need to make two more movies," "And that should put us over the mark." "Okay, okay." "Uh, well, you're gonna have to do it, Marcus." "'Cause kwan's..." "I respectfully decline." "I did my part, and I'm traumatized for life." "Trying to get the taste of female ejaculate" "Out of your mouth" "Is like trying to get skunk spray off clothing." "Brush it off, man." "Doesn't matter." "You're the only one." "Frankly, I believe ed has a point." "You're the only qualified person yet to contribute," "And now you're single." "And factoring in your virginity," "Which increases the coefficient by 4.2." "And if we carry over the 8, then that's... whoa." "What does it say?" "What does it mean?" "According to my calculations," "I believe that if you were to perform," "We will only need to make one movie." "That's impossible." "Oh!" "What about Doug?" "Yeah, tell kwan to get" "Our next starlet on the phone." "Hey, wake up." "[Slap]" "Ow." "What..." "Doug, you're up." "What?" "You're up, man." "It's your turn to make a video." "We've got Anna Williams for you." "Who?" "Uh, that chick that fell down a well 20 years ago." "You have to have sex with her." "Me?" "Yeah." "Oh, no." "I'm, uh..." "I'm all tapped out." "Dude, what?" "No, you've been waiting for this forever." "Come on, get up." "You've gotta give me a warning," "Or I'm gonna take care of myself first." "Besides, it's 3:00 in the afternoon." "Just get ed to do it." "I'll take care of the next one." "Ed's not available." "Okay, you do it." "No." "[Sighs]" "Okay, fine." "Oh, I got it." "Perfect." "Couple of these will do the trick." "Pop 'em quick." "Hey, whoa, whoa." "Isn't one enough of those?" "Better safe than sorry." "Mmm!" "I wonder how long it takes for these things to kick in." "Oh!" "All right, whatever." "Let's go." "All right." "Come on." "Come on." "Oh!" "I don't feel too good, man." "My heart is beating really fast." "You'll be fine." "The side effects include diarrhea," "Flushing of the face, heart palpitations," "Stroke and coma." "Like I said, you'll be fine." "Go get her." "Go for it." "Hey, come on over here." "Hi." "Hi." "Whoo!" "[Groaning]" "Mmm!" "[Laughing]" "Whoo!" "[Laughing and coughing]" "You okay?" "I'm..." "I'm good." "Ahh." "Okay, good." "[Coughing]" "You just relax." "Okay." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Mmm!" "Ooh!" "Do you like what you see?" "Ooh, yeah." "Spank me." "Yeah." "What am I supposed to do now?" "Shit!" "Doug." "Doug, wake up." "Don't clap." "Don't clap." "He's still functioning." "He's good." "He's just passed out." "It says we only have to worry" "If his erection lasts more than four hours." "Eww." "Are you sure he's not dead?" "No, keep going." "Okay." "Okay." "Should I take his pants off?" "Yeah, sure." "Take 'em down." "Get comfortable." "Come on, big boy." "Ooh!" "All right." "Looks like we are uploaded." "[Woman moaning]" "Fuck!" "I can't believe it." "Why do I always miss everything?" "I can't believe you let this woman fuck me" "While I was in a coma." "Yeah, she's going pretty wild here." "Ooh!" "Ooh, you like that?" "You like that?" "That might as well have been a rock she was humping." "You didn't feel anything?" "Anything at all?" "No!" "God damn it!" "Ohh!" "Ooh!" "I'm the first virgin that's not a virgin." "Stop it." "It's true." "Now I know what parents feel like" "When they adopt kids." "Well, we're up to 3 million hits already" "With Douglas's video." "It's good, but not good enough." "Yeah, asshole." "Hey, at least I got to have sex," "Even though I don't remember." "You just got a face full." "We're totally fucked, guys." "We have no star." "I hate to say it," "But no one can do it like ed." "We have three days to come up with 80 grand" "Or else we go to prison," "Which means we're fucked." "African-American men are 12 times more likely to die" "In prison than other ethnicities." "Think, think, think, think." "There is one way." "Doug, you're not starring in another video." "No." "Porndarosa.Cum." "They want to do a cross-promotion with us." "Why didn't you fucking say something?" "Will they pay us?" "Yeah." "Not chump change, either." "We're talking one mil..." "Hundred thousand dollars..." "[Gasps]" "If Ross agrees to lose his virginity" "On a live stream pay-per-view at the porndarosa stages." "But I knew he was too much of a pussy to do it," "So that's why I didn't say nothin'." "Yeah, I mean..." "Well..." "Say we're sorry to who, Danny?" "Actually, yeah." "Yeah." "Why don't we just find her house," "And I'll beg for forgiveness?" "I mean..." "And we apologize for recording ed" "Slamming his penis into her vagina" "While she was intoxicated" "Under a mix of narcotics and alcohol." "I've got a better idea." "You guys stay here." "I'll apologize for us." "But just in case, uh..." "Tell porndarosa yes." "What?" "Really?" "It's our plan "b."" "Danny's second option." "If Melanie doesn't drop the charges, then..." "Call porndarosa and tell them to set it up." "[Doorbell buzzes]" "Man, on intercom:" "Deliveries to the service gate on the side." "No, I'm here to see mellony Adams." "Is she expecting you?" "No." "Then call her manager and make an appointment." "I need to talk to her." "It's important." "Please step away from the gate." "Security will be down shortly to escort you off the property." "No, no, no." "No, no." "Just, uh..." "Just tell her that I'm the guy" "That put her on the Internet." "[Gate buzzes]" "Mellony:" "So..." "Ross." "So, Ross, um..." "What is it that you wanted to talk to me about?" "Um, uh, just, uh..." "I just wanted to see you and..." "Wait." "Are you... are you the one that I fucked?" "What?" "Are you the one that I fucked from that video?" "Okay, look, things are..." "Things are a little fuzzy from that night." "Don't really remember." "And I haven't really gotten myself, you know," "Up to watch that video, so..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "No, no, no, no." "That was... that was ed." "It wasn't me." "Can I have a muffin?" "Sure." "Yeah, um, so..." "Can I have an orange, too?" "Yeah." "No, help yourself, darlin'." "Thank you." "Um, ed?" "Ed?" "Oh, um, okay." "So..." "Well, you can tell ed..." "That I said thank you for me, please." "[Laughs]" "Thank you?" "He saved my life." "What?" "You're not mad at us?" "Oh, I was." "I definitely was." "But I also realized that having sex with your..." "Your friend ed" "Was the best thing that's ever happened to me." "Okay." "You see, I had hit rock bottom." "I needed to take a really long, hard look at myself" "And..." "And change." "But..." "I'm 27 days clean." "[Laughs] I know, it doesn't..." "I know that doesn't seem like much," "But I'm actually really excited about it." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "But what about the money?" "Why are you blackmailing us?" "What?" "Blackmailing you?" "You know, the..." "The half-million Danny demanded" "To not send us to jail and, like, kill us?" "He did what?" "Yeah, he's gonna send us all to jail" "If we don't come up with 80 grand" "In the next two days." "Okay, no, no, no." "Danny is crazy." "Yeah, I know." "Yeah." "And I'm sorry if he hurt you." "So will you help us?" "Look, I am... i am..." "I am so flattered that you came here to talk about this" "And get it all out..." "But I can't help you, sweetie." "I can't go back into that world." "I'm working on me." "I can't get involved." "I have to work on me." "That's what comes first." "But, um..." "Please, I..." "You got some news, partner?" "We're ready to do this." "Under one condition:" "I am the producer" "And I alone handle all of the money." "I'll also need an unlimited lifetime supply" "Of live two-way Jack-off access on porndarosa.Cum." "You drive a hard bargain, partner." "But you got yourself a deal." "Yes!" "* gettin' porn money * * gettin' porn and money *" "Lifetime supply." "Yeah." "Tickle, tickle!" "Tickle, tickle." "I want to spank you." "Okay, come on, Ross." "Come on, Ross." "You got this." "Come on, come on." "One drink." "Take a little drink." "Blech!" "Let's roll." "[Funk music playing]" "Howdy, partners." "I'm buck Hollister, president of..." "What the heck?" "Get the fuck outta here." "What are you...?" "President of porndarosa.Cum." "I'd like to thank you all for tuning in tonight" "To watch some hot fuck action" "With one of the hottest young cock stars in the biz." "Tonight, we got a special treat." "We're ready for you." "Okay." "You ready?" "You excited?" "You are going to be waist deep" "In some lady's vajayjay in, like, 30 seconds." "Yeah." "I'm excited." "I'm excited for you." "Hey, I'd be out there if I could," "But can't go back on set." "Oh, jerk off once in the corner" "And suddenly you're public enemy number one." "All right." "All right, got it, Scotty." "All right." "Thanks, man." "Fuckin' crazy, man." "Suck it up, suck it up, suck it up." "Okay, you got this." "You got this." "We're gonna witness" "America's favorite virgin, Ross ganz," "Pop his cherry tonight live on videotape!" "[Chanting] I chi ooh LA goo chi koopah!" "What the hell did he just say?" "I don't, um..." "Do you have to go potty?" "I don't know." "Jeez." "Well, here he is..." "Ross." "Come here, boy." "Hey." "So let me get this straight, partner." "You're a virgin?" "Uh, yes." "Yeah." "[Laughing] A virgin!" "Whoo!" "Well, we're pretty fucking classy" "Here at porndarosa." "Cum," "So what we did is went out" "And got you an extra special" "Little hussy to bang." "Are you ready to meet your lucky starlet, stud?" "Let's just get this over with, man." "Right." "Well, you know her from the magazines." "Let's all please welcome miss Emily Addison!" "Holy shit." "Hey, Ross." "I'm a big fan of yours." "Ohh!" "Saddle up, cowboy!" "Time for some fuckin'!" "Yee-haw!" "Whoa." "Uh..." "Whoa." "Uh..." "[Whimpers]" "Wait, wait, wait." "Aah!" "Wait." "What?" "You don't like me?" "Yes." "Yes, I do." "I just..." "Holy shit, I do." "I just..." "I-i-i don't know." "Get to it, kid!" "You're gettin' paid to fuck!" "Shut up!" "Fuck this!" "My God, this is insane." "I can't." "I can't do this." "I can't." "I... i..." "I can't believe these words" "Are actually coming out of my mouth," "Considering I've probably masturbated to you" "Over 1,000 times." "I know everything about you." "Oh, my God." "You're awesome." "I, uh..." "I even have this little shrine" "I made dedicated to you." "It took some pretty huge..." "Stuff." "Shut up!" "You know what?" "The truth is" "Me and my friends are only making these tapes" "Because we were threatened" "By that Hollywood agent Danny silver," "Who's a fucking slimy cocksucker," "And I hope you're fucking watching, motherfucker!" "He threatened to beat us up and have us arrested" "And even kill us if we didn't come up with 500 grand." "Well, here's your 500 grand right here, motherfucker!" "Come and get it, 'cause I quit!" "You can beat me up." "I don't care." "Whatever, man." "All right?" "Because we are done working for you." "We're done!" "You bitch!" "And I'll have you know," "There's only one girl I want to lose my virginity to." "My ex-girlfriend Kim." "And she wouldn't be watching this," "Because she's not that kind of girl." "Like all you little perverts." "She's pure," "And I love that about her." "It's all this bullshit that caused us to break up!" "Fucking shit!" "Hey, kwan." "Come here." "I'm not done with you." "Look, I know you're watching, ed." "All right?" "I just want to let you know you're not a frat guy." "Come on, you're a ninth level paladin" "That's led the clan on countless adventures." "Come on, dude." "If I had a fucking dollar for every time you talked" "About how much Delaney was a cocksucker," "Man, I'd have, like, between 84 and 130 dollars." "Hey, brah." "I might've said one or two things." "Seriously." "Delaney doesn't even like you, man." "He just hangs out with you because you do his homework." "You know what, fuck this!" "I hope you're watching, too, Delaney." "Because I'm gonna tell the Dean on your punk ass!" "Get him off the fuckin' set!" "He's blocking the action!" "Time to take out the garbage." "Recycle." "You can sit." "Ed!" "[Speaking fantasy language]" "[Speaking fantasy language]" "Unhand him, you ghouls, at once!" "Aah!" "You guys are killing my boner." "Marcus, wake up." "Yo, what the fuck happened?" "Got knocked out again, buddy." "You... you're black." "No shit, bitch." "Damn, who the fuck served me?" "Dude, all those blows to your head" "Somehow cured your asperger's." "Boy, you really are a pussy." "You can't even get it up for a million dollars." "You mean 100,000." "Doug made the deal for a million." "He did?" "You motherfucker!" "You were gonna keep 900,000 for yourself?" "Not really." "I was just..." "Come here!" "I gonna get you!" "That's some shit." "Now these motherfuckers up in here better get ready" "For an unholy beat-down" "The likes of which ain't nobody ever seen." "Gotcha" "[Groans]" "What you gonna do, bitch?" "[Groans]" "The motherfucking buck stops here." "[Smash]" "God." "Whoa." "Hey, Danny." "You got a minute?" "Can it wait?" "Mmm..." "I'm trying to do some business over here." "Well, it's, um..." "It's kind of important." "All right." "Make it quick." "Well, you're my manager, and as an actor," "Us actors feel like it's good to scratch" "Our management's back every once in while." "You know what I mean?" "Uh-huh." "And as your best client," "I feel like I kind of owe it to you." "And you know how I roll, baby." "I'm kind of kinky." "Mellony, mellony." "Mmm." "What did I do to deserve this?" "Turn around." "[Both laughing]" "Turn around." "Whoa!" "[Laughing]" "[Moaning]" "Stop it." "Look at this!" "You see that?" "That's called a contract, baby." "[Muffled shouting]" "A contract..." "One of those little bitty things" "That you could never get me, seven years." "In seven years," "You couldn't get me one of those things." "And I just wanted you to look at all those zeroes" "That are going to be all mine." "[Muffled] That's mine!" "And none of yours!" "Stop it!" "[Groans] Uh-huh." "Oh, and guess what, Danny?" "You're fired." "Uh-huh." "You're fired, and I never want to" "Ever, ever, ever see you ever again." "[Shouts] Shut up!" "Listen to me." "I should leave you with a little something," "Though, shouldn't I?" "I'm gonna give you something before I leave" "Just so you remember me by, okay?" "[Moans]" "So you just stay there," "And I'm gonna give you something to remember me." "It'll be real good, okay?" "Stay down." "Fuck you!" "You feel that!" "Uh-huh!" "Yeah, it feels good, right, baby?" "Yeah!" "Sorry I'm late for raid." "Who said you were welcome?" "Yo." "What up, sexy?" "Don't call me that anymore." "The guys kicked me out of the frat" "As soon as our videos got taken down." "So what?" "I figured I would bring you this from the p.O. Box." "Ahem." ""Ed is the grossest guy I've ever slept with," ""Rock bottom..." "What was I thinking fucking that guy?"" "Yeah, I already know all this stuff." "Skip to the end." ""This letter is to inform you that Danny silver" ""And all parties have been arrested" ""On extortion charges, among other things." ""And to inform you that the estate of mellony Adams" ""Is dropping all charges." "All money you made is yours to keep"?" "Yep." "Holy shit." "We get to keep all that money?" "Oh, shit." "I'm sorry I betrayed the clan, brother." "I promise I will never be in the wrong again." "[Speaking fantasy language]" "Hey." "Um, I saw your pay-per-view." "Look, I'm sorry." "Just kiss me." "Um, I think it's about time I gave you a real kiss." "[Laughs]" "[Both panting]" "Oh, yeah." "I'm sorry I made you wait for so long." "Oh, I'm sorry for pressuring you so much."