"MAN (ON RADIO):" "You're listening to BBC Radio 4." "Coming up on Radio 4 at 2:30, My Oxbridge," "a half hour of in-jokes -(BREATHING HARD) and unashamedly impenetrable exclusive anecdotes from the varsity with Sir Bernard Ingham and Stephen Fry." "And this is followed by Woman's Hour," "where Iain Murray talks to author and mother..." "(LOUD SNORTING) ...about the Islamic references in Jane Austen's novel," "Pride and Prejudice." "(MUTES SHOW)" "(GURGLING)" "EDINA (ON MICROPHONE):" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello, hello, hello!" "Can you hear me?" "Can you hear me?" "Is anyone there?" "Hello!" "I'm under attack!" "I'm under attack!" "Call the police!" "Call the police!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Testing, testing, testing, testing." "# I was walking down the road" "# Just looking at my feet #" "Mum!" "(PANTING) Could you hear me, darling?" "Yes." "What is that?" "I was talking to you from my panic room." "Panic room?" "Yeah." "Panic room, darling." "My new panic room." "You know my old nuclear shelter?" "I'm refurbishing it now, darling, as a panic room." "So if you panic, you know, sort of..." "A little safe room, darling, in case, you know, we're attacked by murderous thugs or terrorists, darling." "Everybody's got one!" "How ridiculous!" "Ridiculous." "I tell you, darling." "Look, sweetheart, this little baby on the..." "This little baby on the way, darling..." "Is it still in there?" "Yes." "...has made me realise, sweetheart, just how unsafe the world is." "There's some mean mothers out there, baby." "There's one in here." "Oh, shut up." "Anyway, sweetheart, I want you to be more aware of keeping things sealed, windows sealed, doors locked, all right, sweetheart?" "I mean, you'll be glad of that anthrax filter when the inevitable dirty bomb gets dropped on Holland Park, I tell you." "Now will you help me carry some stuff down, darling?" "Darling, help me." "Help, help, carry, carry." "More things." "We want more." "This is all the stuff I can't get in the panic room at the moment." "So be careful." "Mind my Eames chair." "It's coming in eventually." "Don't touch the door, darling." "Mind your fingers!" "Mind your fingers!" "Don't touch that door, sweetheart." "I haven't worked out the keypad and the codes and everything, sweetheart." "(SIGHS)" "(MIMICKING FANFARE) Safe room!" "(SCATTING)" "Pizza ready, darling." "Look, sweetheart." "(BOTTLES CLINKING)" "Small branch of Sainsbury's, darling." "And look, all the conveniences, sweetheart." "Little toilet." "(MIMICKING FLUSHING)" "I wondered where everything was going." "Yeah." "Is that my  Trivial Pursuit?" "Yes, darling." "What is that, sweetheart?" "It's a board game." "Oh." "Well, it's for here if we panic, darling, so you can play it here." "Yes, well, I want to play it in the house." "Yeah, but darling, then if you panic, you're not gonna have time to get it." "Do you think some murderer's gonna honestly say," ""Oi, Jim, let her get that  Trivial Pursuit" ""before we chop off her arm and pull off her Rolex," do you, darling?" "(VOCALISING)" "Mum, you are just paying into the whole panic culture." "I hate it." "Oh!" "The world is actually safer than it's ever been." "(SIGHS)" "In fact, you're more likely to be hit by a bus." "Yeah, darling, that'd be ironic, wouldn't it?" "Closest I've ever been to public transport and it runs over me." "Even then there's no guarantee" "the bus won't come off worse." "(SIGHS)" "I'm gonna get some more stuff in here." "Come on, follow me." "Follow me." "Mind my Eames chair and don't touch this door." "Come on, clog-feet." "Anyway, darling, it's not me that's changed, darling." "It's the criminal that is changed." "I mean, nowadays, darling, these are big time players." "These are celebrity killers." "These are terrorists, sweetheart." "Do you think you'd get a two-book and a movie deal for snatching a handbag?" "Oh, no, darling." "Oh, no, sweetheart." "These people don't plan a job, darling." "They write the script." "They have it serialised in the  Daily Mail, darling." "These are the people that make Jack the Ripper look like a manicurist." "Believe me, sweetheart." "Total overreaction." "I know your sort, darling." ""Don't want it till I need it."" ""Don't want it till I need it."" "Well, you're not invited in." "Oh!" "What a weekend I have had!" "Requests, requests, requests." "Elton John's invited me to his place in the south of France." "I said, "No, thank you."" "His villa is like a halfway house to the priory." "Will I go and keep Elizabeth Hurley company?" "Will I, bugger!" "Has she got no friends of her own?" "Who is this now?" "Who has she become?" "Oh, and I've had Anouska Hempel calling me." "Will I go down to her yacht in St-Tropez?" "Will I, bugger!" "Oh, St-Tropez?" "I know." "How common." "How did..." "How did you get in?" "Window." "I told you, sweetheart, you have to shut the windows." "Keep everything sealed." "You could've let in contamination, darling!" "Nothing can be as bad as what's in here already." "EDINA:" "Oh, shut up." "PATSY:" "Eddy, Eddy, Eddy!" "SAFFY:" "Oh, no!" "Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy!" "I take that back." "It just got worse." "EDINA:" "Oh, sweetheart, what is it, darling?" "Eddy, Eddy, Eddy..." "What?" "What?" "What..." "Eddy, Eddy, Eddy..." "What is she..." "Lock the door, sweetheart." "Go on, go on, go on." "(CONTINUES REPEATING NAME)" "Yes, yes, yes, what?" "What?" "What, sweetheart?" "Calm down." "What, darling?" "What, darling?" "I was at work today." "Oh!" "No, no, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy!" "Now we're all in shock." "EDINA:" "Go on, sweetheart." "Eddy, the girls were off." "(GASPS)" "So I was on the floor." "Nothing new for you." "(EDINA CLUCKING TONGUE)" "I was working." "I was selling." "Oh, no, sweetheart." "Yes." "Yous selling, on the shop floor?" "Yeah." "I wasn't happy, Eddy." "(SIGHING)" "WOMAN:" "Excuse me." "How much is this?" "What?" "WOMAN:" "How much is this bag?" "I heard you." "Why?" "Are you worried you can't afford it?" "WOMAN:" "I don't know." "Then you can't." "Get out." "WOMAN:" "But..." "Get out." "Put the bag down." "WOMAN:" "I wasn't going to steal." "Get out before I call the police." "WOMAN 2:" "Can you help me?" "What?" "WOMAN 2:" "The oxygen bar." "Yes?" "Is it just oxygen?" "No." "Read it." "We have a range of gases." "Pamper is sodium pentothal." "Happy Time is nitrous oxide." "Sleepy Time is carbon monoxide." "WOMAN 2:" "Thank you." "No, thank you." "(ALARM BLARING)" "You can't come in." "You're too fat." "Get out." "(SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)" "Oh, and let me help you." "You're probably looking for the way out." "Or didn't you bother to read the notice?" "It says, "No T-shirts, no flip-flops." In fact, no you." "(GASPING) Minnie Driver!" "Eileen." "Yeah." "I'm not shopping." "I'm looking." "That's why I'm calling you." "Yeah, there's a seedpod bag in Versace that I want, and these feathered cuffs in Dior." "No, I tried." "I tried." "They kept asking me to pay!" "I want the Tod bag." "Okay?" "Did you tell 'em?" "No, I don't want a discount." "I want it for free." "Right?" "Free." "Okay, well, you tell them." "Yeah." "No, I don't know where I am right now." "Where am I right now?" "What?" "It's my publicist." "Where am I right now?" "It's Jeremy's." "Okay, I'll..." "I don't know." "I'll find out." "Patsy Stone?" "Minnie Driver." "Patsy Stone?" "Minnie." "Patsy Stone?" "Patsy Stone?" "Minnie." "Minnie." "Are you Patsy Stone?" "Yes, I'm Patsy Stone." "Yeah, my publicist told me that you were a stylist." "Yes, yes." "Well, I'm a buyer and star consultant to Jeremy." "What is it?" "It's a man." "No, what is this place?" "Oh, this is Jeremy's." "What is it?" "It's a concept, a philosophy, a destination." "Oh, it's a shop." "Yes, it's a shop." "Hmm." "Not much in it, is there?" "No, only what our customer wants, Minnie." "In fact, what most of our customers want is a bag from Jeremy's." "Minnie, Minnie, would you like a Jeremy's bag, darling?" "What is that smell?" "Oh, that's Jeremy, our new perfume and room aromariser." "It's exclusive to Jeremy." "Perfectly suited to his customer." "(SPRAYS)" "Smells like formaldehyde." "(SNIFFING)" "Oh." "No, that is his customer." "That's Uma Rottweiler." "She's not long for this world." "In fact, she may have already passed away." "But she can't stop shopping." "It's only the embalming fluid that keeps her on her feet." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "Now, darling, is there anything I can do for you?" "No." "No, thanks, there's nothing here for me." "Oh?" "In fact, the whole of Bond Street is a complete letdown." "I've been into most of the designers and they keep asking me to..." "Sign autographs and borrow things for premieres and..." "Pay!" "Oh, no, Minnie!" "Oh, no!" "Well, darling, I think I can help you here." "Good, good." "Right." "Hi." "Is that  Heat magazine?" "Yeah." "Got some pictures of Minnie Driver shopping." "Yes, she does look bloody rough." "Minnie, Minnie, Minnie." "Minnie, Minnie, Minnie..." "Minnie, Minnie, Minnie..." "Well, what happened, darling?" "Shall I slap her?" "No, no. (CLUCKING TONGUE)" "Can I?" "(CLUCKING TONGUE)" "Minnie, Minnie..." "Sweetheart, what happened?" "Darling, tell us what happened." "Yes." "Ed, Ed, Ed..." "She's coming here tomorrow for a styling session!" "(WHISPERS) Oh, here?" "Yes." "I thought..." "Well, that's fantastic." "That's fantastic." "Yes, I thought... (GASPS) We can get some stuff and see what she likes." "Oh, Eddy, it's my first celebrity client!" "Get up." "We'll get some stuff in." "If she likes some stuff, we'll come to a little arrangement." "Oh, I like Minnie Driver, I like Minnie Driver." "Oh, I like Minnie Driver!" "Minnie?" "Yeah, Minnie." "Minnie Driver's coming here." "Yeah." "Minnie Driver?" "Yes, Minnie Driver." "Is it a dwarf?" "What?" "Is it a dwarf?" "What are you saying?" "Why are you saying that?" "(EERILY) Is it a dwarf?" "Stop saying that!" "That's just weird!" "Ask her if it's a dwarf." "Is it a dwarf?" "It's Minnie Driver!" "It's Minnie Driver!" "She's a huge Hollywood star, Minnie Driver." "Well, what's she been in?" "Darling, honey, what's she been in, little Minnie?" "Oh, darling!" "She, um..." "Little..." "Um..." "Minnie Driver." "She's been in  Good..." "(SNAPPING FINGERS)" "...head Hunting." "Good Head Hunting." "Good Head Hunting." "Come on." "And what else, Eddy?" "What else?" "What else?" "I love Minnie Driver." "She was in  Circle of Friends." "I think I know who you mean." "Stop it now." "I don't like this attitude." "I don't like this one." "Is she one of those English actresses..." "I said stop it!" "...that's gone to Hollywood?" "Oh, shut her up, Eddy." "Shut up." "BUBBLE:" "Oh, I know the type." "The type that's always asking for free clothes..." "(EDINA SCOFFING)" "No!" "Nothing is free, you know that." "You always pay for it." "You have shop openings, parties, names to remember, people you have to talk to, favours are always called in!" "No, no, no, but Eddy, Eddy, then there are people like, you know, Dolce  Gabbana," "lovely, sweet Stefano and Domenico." "Yeah." "Oh!" "You know, darling, they treat stars as billboards." "They're advertising, they're walking column inches." "(VOCALISING)" "Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, darling, darling." "Hmm?" "Hmm?" "A business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark." "You know you're doing it, but nobody else does." "Winking at a girl in the dark?" "Well, not me." "Yeah, and not Stefano and Domenico, if I'm any judge of character, darling." "(LAUGHING)" "It's a quote!" "Oh, darling, but this could be" "so big for your business, sweetheart." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I'd better go out and pull some really fantastic clothes for her." "Today Bond Street, and tomorrow the Oscars." "Cheers." "PATSY:" "Oh, Hollywood beckons, sweetheart." "EDINA:" "Oh, yeah." "Mmm-hmm." "Darling, darling, do you think it's time for a little, you know..." "Little (KISSING)" "What, a little collagen?" "Plumping." "Yeah." "Take more than collagen to fill your face." "It's just a little plumping." "How many whales will have to die to fill those crevices?" "Shush, sweetheart." "It's just a little filling!" "The whaling fleet, they may not be able to cope with the demand." "Shush, sweetheart!" "It's just a little fill-up." "Mountaineers have died falling into shallower ravines than your wrinkles." "Oh, shut up!" "Oh, darling, I want that!" "Dolce, Gabbana, Dolce, Dolce," "Stella McCartney." "Sweetheart, she's not gonna want all this stuff." "I want it." "(GASPING) Oh, darling, I'd look good in that." "Sweetheart, Pats, darling, darling, can I be here when she comes?" "What, darling?" "I said, can I be here when Minnie comes, darling?" "Is it all right?" "Well, look, Eddy, you see, the thing is that I've told her this is my style." "But it's my house." "I know, darling." "But I said, you know, it'd all be very discreet." "Oh!" "You know, I really like Minnie." "But, darling, Minnie, little Minnie..." "I like Minnie." "She doesn't want the world and his wife to see her in her scanties." "Oh, darling, you know, I'll just be casual." "Well, maybe just be casual." "(DOORBELL BUZZING)" "BOTH:" "Oh!" "That's her, that's her, darling." "Bubble, Bubble, get her inside." "Go on." "Off you go!" "Move it around to the side." "Keep that there, darling." "Yeah, hold on." "I'm here to see Patsy Stone." "Are you Minnie Driver?" "Yes." "Oh, then come in." "Wipe your feet!" "(FANFARE)" "Oh, hi, Minnie." "Come in." "Come in, darling." "Who are all these people?" "Oh, um..." "Well, this is..." "No, no, no!" "Don't tell me names." "I don't do names." "Eileen?" "Yeah, I'm really pissed at Dior." "Yeah, you tell them to make it fit and make it free." "Right?" "Okay." "Right." "So that's all of us." "Now, Minnie, would you like something to eat or drink, darling?" "What's happened to you?" "(GASPS) Oh, just a little plumping." "Listen, the first rule, mouth should be smaller than face." "Now, what have you got for me?" "Oh, right." "Well, look, I've pulled things from all kinds of designers, darling." "I've got some embroidery." "I've got a modern take on the classics." "And..." "Now, what size are you, so we can change all the labels?" "I'm a two." "A two?" "A two." "What is a two?" "A two is a four." "EDINA:" "Well, what is a four?" "A four's a six!" "What's a six, darling?" "All right, all right, I'm a 10!" "She's a 10." "She's a 10." "(CHUCKLING) "I'm a 10."" "Yes, yes, no, no, hate it, maybe, like, don't know, maybe." "No, no, that's cute, that's..." "Why are you still here?" "I don't want everybody watching me in my scanties." "Of course not, Minnie." "Of course not." "Get out." "Eddy, please can you just leave?" "Me?" "Yeah, please, darling." "(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)" "Oh, Minnie, yes, that's it, darling." "Hold that, will you?" "PATSY:" "Yes, I will, darling, I'll hold anything for you." "Maybe." "Yeah." "How much of this stuff can I actually have?" "Have?" "Mmm." "Er, well, I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement." "I rather liked that necklace your fat little hippo, chubster friend was wearing." "Who?" "Oh, little fatty fat-hat." "Oh, Eddy?" "You like her necklace?" "No, it's not a problem." "I'll get it." "There's no problem." "She won't mind." "(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) That's no problem, sweetheart." "No problem, Minnie." "So just make yourself at home, darling." "I'll just have a little word." "The necklace, I'll get it for you, darling." "Eddy, darling, can you give me that necklace?" "What necklace?" "Well, this necklace." "I want this necklace." "No, it's my necklace." "No, it's my necklace!" "Let go of my necklace." "Darling, I want the necklace!" "Minnie wants it!" "Minnie wants it!" "No!" "(BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)" "(BEEPING)" "Can you open it, Eddy?" "Open it." "Open it." "(GASPS) Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "What have you done?" "I can't open it." "Hang on." "Don't touch anything, darling, I'll get the instruction book." "Hang on, darling!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "There's a code!" "There's a code!" "Don't touch the buttons!" "Don't touch the buttons, sweetheart!" "There's a code!" "There's a... (VOCALISING)" "Sweetheart, don't..." "(BEEPING)" "Will you stop touching the buttons!" "It says every time you put in the wrong number, we have to wait another hour." "How many times did you touch those buttons, Pats?" "I hardly touched them." "(BOTH SHOUTING)" "Look at the numbers on the thing!" "I've got Minnie!" "Minnie!" "(GROANING)" "Minnie!" "(SOBBING) Minnie!" "So, how is it in (SING-SONG VOICE) Hollywood?" "(SCATTING)" "Catherine Zeta-Jones..." "(CLANKING) ...rather stole your thunder, didn't she?" "What?" "PATSY:" "Hello." "Hello, Minnie." "It's Patsy." "Who?" "It's Patsy Stone." "The lip." "Darling, I can't come back today." "I'm..." "I'm stuck." "I'm..." "I'm called away." "I'm sorry, darling." "Where is she?" "(DRAMATICALLY) In the walls." "How bloody rude of her." "That's my chick." "How long have we been in here, Eddy?" "I don't know, darling." "I think... (SIGHS)" "I think that should be like three days or something left, sweetheart." "But the way you went at that keyboard, like a hyperactive typist, it could be months!" "Well, you should have just given me the necklace." "Oh!" "(SIGHING) Look, we're just here now, darling." "We might as well just get on with it." "I suppose that's a goodbye to Hollywood for me." "(SIGHS)" "Here, sweetheart." "Careful, sweetheart, watch it." "And I don't want it on my pod." "Well." "Oh!" "(SIGHS)" "(PATSY HUMMING)" "She's right about your lip, darling." "What do you mean?" "You see, you need to balance it or something." "Oh, the bottom?" "Yeah." "Oh, I do, but I haven't got very much left." "Well, put a little bit in." "In the bottom?" "(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)" "(HUFFING)" "Oh, you shouldn't have started." "I mean... (SIGHS) Once you get the top beak, you've got to balance it with the bottom beak, and then you've got to balance the whole beak with the cheeks." "You see, darling, before you know it, you're just a visitor in your own face." "How much longer, Eddy?" "(GROANS) Sweetheart, would you stop asking?" "It's not going to go any faster if you keep asking." "Do you want to play a game?" "No." "Where's my magazine, darling?" "Where's my magazine?" "Where's my magazine, darling?" "Come and sit here." "(TAPPING COUCH)" "Come and sit here, sweetheart." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Look, look, look." "It's a random page." "I'm choosing a random page." "Random, random, random, random, random..." "That page, sweetheart." "All right." "Yeah." "Darling, you've got to sleep with someone on this page." "You have to." "All right?" "You have to sleep with one person." "Who is it gonna be?" "Oh, I've slept with them all." "All of them, darling?" "Yeah." "What, Brad Pitt?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, sweetie." "What about him?" "Yeah." "What, Hugh Grant?" "Yeah, well, who hasn't?" "Prince Philip, darling?" "My lips are sealed." "Well, just nod." "Mmm-hmm." "Oh!" "Mmm-hmm." "Carol Smillie?" "Oh, come on!" "How much longer, Eddy?" "Oh, I don't know, darling." "Will you stop asking?" "Why?" "Eddy, I need the toilet." "(SIGHING)" "Well, I'm not even sure it's plumbed in, darling." "Have another drink." "Come on." "Come on." "Have another drink." "Ah!" "It's quite nice, this, actually." "Ooh." "Yeah." "You're away." "No one can get at you." "Yeah." "Time to think a little bit." "Yeah." "What are you thinking?" "Oh, it's another world, you know, darling." "Mmm." "You know, cosmopolitan society that we live in, sweetheart." "It's funny, 'cause you see loads of people, don't you now?" "You see, like, Africans on the street." "You see Arabs, Chinese..." "Yeah." "...Eskimos." "Don't you, darling?" "And everyone is just sort of assimilated into our society, but I was just thinking, you know, what you never see, darling?" "No, what?" "Pygmies." "Yeah, you don't ever see them." "You never see a pygmy." "You don't ever go walking down the street and see a little pygmy on the buses or anything like that, do you, darling?" "You know, "Oh, my daughter's going out with this lovely chap." ""By the way, he's a pygmy." You know, not ever." "You know, it doesn't happen, little pygmy restaurants, pygmy cuisine, pygmy TVs." "You just don't have it, do you?" "(CHUCKLING)" "No." "You're right there, Ed." "Yeah." "Hmm." "Ed, on the TV, where is that?" "Yeah?" "EDINA:" "What?" "PATSY:" "Where is that?" "Where is that, darling?" "Oh, I like that table." "Where is that, sweetheart?" "(GASPS) Is that little Saffy?" "What's Saffy doing on TV?" "(GASPS) Darling, that's my kitchen!" "Look!" "Look, is that the sink, is it?" "This is in my kitchen, darling." "Look!" "Sweetheart!" "I've got security cameras, darling!" "Look at that!" "Look at that!" "EDINA: (GASPS) Oh!" "Oh, Eddy, Eddy." "(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)" "Darling, darling, does she know?" "Well, even I didn't know, darling." "How's she gonna know?" "Oh, Eddy, let's watch her." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Let's watch her." "Let's see what she does." "Oh, she's picking up her hand." "Oh, she's drinking something." "Yeah, something." "Putting it down again." "Yeah, putting it down." "Oh!" "Putting a little lid on." "Little lid on." "Oh!" "Look at that." "EDINA:" "This is quite good." "But I think we should tell her." "PATSY:" "No, darling." "No, no, no!" "We might get something on her!" "Well, she's not gonna do anything." "It's not like Saffy's gonna suddenly sort of lob out an old titto, is she, darling?" "Huh?" "No, probably not." "Oh, look now, she's moving!" "Ooh!" "PATSY:" "She's going to do something!" "Mmm-hmm." "PATSY:" "She's going over." "She's coming." "She put it." "She's coming back." "Oh, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy." "Oh, darling, let's get in some more drinks, darling." "Yeah." "Mmm." "This could become addictive." "Oh, Eddy, get her to do something." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "Hello." "This is Big Mother speaking." "Darling, me and Patsy are locked in the panic room." "We may be here for some months." "We have no idea, darling." "You are our only amusement." "Please stay active, Saffron." "Don't ignore me, darling, come on!" "Your first task, Saffron, is to put the television on, darling, so we may watch it." "SAFFY:" "Stop it!" "EDINA:" "Well, darling, please, just do something." "Hmm?" "Put the television on, or just..." "Just do something amusing." "We can see you!" "How?" "I don't believe you." "EDINA:" "Well, there's just cameras everywhere, sweetheart." "We can see you." "Saffron, please, come to the cupboard under the sink." "Come on, sweetheart." "Just move the salad spinner, so we can see your face, darling." "What are you doing?" "EDINA:" "We are stuck." "Well, it serves you right." "(EDINA SIGHING)" "Sweetheart!" "Sweetheart!" "Now, here's the question." "PATSY:" "Yes." "(SIGHING)" ""Which is the most visited mountain in America's Black Hills range?"" "Oh, I know this, I know this." "It's the most..." ""Visited mountain..."" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." ""...in America's Black Hills range."" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's..." "Did you say which or what?" "Which!" "...is the most..." "Oh, look, you don't know this." "No, no, I know this!" "I know this!" "What's the answer?" "It's Mount Rushmore." "Oh, I don't think it's that." "I don't think so." "No?" "Oh, no, no, no." "That is right." "No, that is right." "Oh!" "Darling, I want..." "Give me entertainment, sweetheart." "No, it's not your turn." "Oh, this is ridiculous." "I think you've got the wrong questions for us, darling." "We don't wanna play any more." "We don't wanna play that game any more." "(EDINA SIGHING)" "Have you got a joint, Eddy?" "Oh, darling, I've got most of a northern Pakistani field here" "if you want." "(CHUCKLING)" "EDINA:" "What's happening?" "Oh!" "Oh-ho!" "Oh!" "Oh, darling!" "Oh, look, darling." "She's got a little housemate." "Yeah." "A little "will they, won't they?" situation." "Oh, yes, darling." "No, I don't think they will." "No, I don't think they will." "Unless that's old Titicaca Two-Ways." "Hello!" "Where are you, mum-to-be?" "I'm here." "But don't say anything." "Why?" "What's the matter?" "Just be quiet." "(WHISPERING) I have to tell you something." "(GIGGLING) Oh, no." "I hope it's not, "I'm going to be a mother" ""and you're my threatening single girlfriend."" "Don't be so stupid!" "Just come and sit down." "Now, listen." "My mother is watching us and can hear everything we say." "What?" "There are secret cameras everywhere." "(GIGGLES) Oh!" "Is this some kind of fantasy thing?" "What do you want me to say?" "No!" "It's the truth." "She's watching us." "Okay." "Loosen up." "Why don't we just, like, open up some of her booze, like normal?" "Shall I open a bottle of champagne?" "And we can either drink it or just flush it down the toilet." "Just stop it!" "Isn't this what you want me to say?" "Isn't this part of the fantasy?" "(PANTING) Oh!" "It's so dangerous!" "I feel fantastic." "Right." "I think you should just go." "Oh, remember when we went upstairs into her bedroom and we put on all her clothes?" "And we played Patsy and Eddy in the bath and we... (GASPS)" "Oh, just get out." "EDINA:" "No, stay, darling..." "Get out." "Titicaca to the sink cupboard." "Titicaca to the sink cupboard." "(SCREAMING)" "Titicaca to the sink cupboard." "Oh." "Oh, sweetheart." "Where is she?" "Where is she?" "You are not authorised to leave." "Titicaca, you are not authorised to leave, sweetheart." "(PATSY GASPING)" "Eddy, Eddy, it's open!" "Oh, it's open!" "Quick!" "Quick!" "But, Eddy, I can't stop peeing!" "I just can't stop." "I can't stop peeing." "I can't stop." "All right, I'll stop now!" "I'll stop now, Eddy." "Oh, sweetheart." "Oh, Eddy, is this plumbed in?" "No, I don't think it is plumbed in." "Oh!" "(LAUGHING) Darling!" "We're free, sweetheart!" "Oh, sweetheart, what century is it?" "What year?" "What month?" "What day?" "Sweetheart, how long were we in there?" "Two hours." "Oh, Minnie!" "Two hours?" "Minnie, Minnie, Minnie!" "Minnie." "BOTH:" "Minnie, Minnie, Minnie!" "Minnie?" "Oh, God!" "She's taken all the clothes!" "Oh, my, even the cheesy nibbles." "I mean, how could she, Eddy?" "I don't know." "I'm going to have to pay for all those clothes." "I know, sweetheart!" "I hope some pup gets his telescopic right up her crotch, darling." "Full tit and minge." "Yeah." "Oh!" "Four chins and half blinking!" "(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)" "I hate Minnie Driver." "I hate her and her type, sweetheart." "(SIGHS) Still... (CLUCKING TONGUE)" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, we got something out of it." "(CHUCKLES)" "(HUMMING)" "In the bath, sweetheart?" "We were 10."