"Victory is mine!" "Tremble at the power of the mighty Dracula." "It was Colonel Blood with the garlic in the dungeon!" "Ha!" "I win." " Let's see the cards, then." " Are you calling me a cheat?" "Dad, you cheat at everything." "Chess, Snap, Scrabble..." " Bloxiplop is a real word!" " Yeah, Transylvanian for "my Dad's pants are on fire", now show us the cards." "Why do all our games have to end like this?" "Because you're losers." "Slewdo, the game of detective fun for vampires aged 8-100!" "It's pitiful." "What would the Grand High Vampire say if he saw this?" "Luckily, the Grand High Vampire isn't here now." "Master!" "The Grand High Vampire is here... right now!" "Robin, you've got to get out." "You're in danger!" "Hide!" "Ah." "Your Grandness, what an unexpected honour!" "This isn't a social call, Dracula." "We are here on official business." "We?" "Justice Moroi!" " Show off." " Count Dracula, you are charged with gross misconduct - rule three, paragraph five, sub-clause nine of ancient vampire law." "Rule three, paragraph five, sub-clause nine?" " What does that mean?" " No idea." " It means...death." "Your death." "Dad!" "What are you doing?" "You're supposed to be revising." " What's the point?" " What's the point?" "Slaying is our destiny!" " Your mum didn't think so." " I know." "She begged me to forget about vampires." "I just couldn't do it." "No wonder she left." "Again." "She couldn't even bring herself to leave a note." "Dad, I miss Mum too, but think about it... we've sacrificed everything for this." "If we're not slayers, we're nothing." "You're right." "Go on." "Test me." "What metal, an alloy of silver and garlic, can drain vampires of their powers?" "I know this one." "Um..." "Argentalium." "But everyone knows that." "Except you, Van Helstink." "Professor Chaney!" "He bullied me at Slayer School." "Well, school's out Professor, and nobody calls me Van Helstink any more..." "You don't check the graffiti in the toilets much, do you?" "Shall we get on with the theory test?" "That won't be necessary." "Ofslay are emphasising practical targets." "To pass the inspection, all you need do is slay one vampire." "Count Dracula, you are accused of shaming vampires everywhere, by associating with breathers and slayers." "How very dare you!" "I shan't rest until I find the one" " who's accused me." " Shall I read you the list?" "That'd be useful." "Thanks." " Your parents-in-law..." " Oh, don't listen to those old coffin-lodgers." "Also, several vampire friends who attended your Hunt Ball last year." "Not friends, exactly." "I hardly knew them." "And of course, your nephew, Boris." " Boris?" "!" " Boris!" "Yes." "He wrote to me." "Several times." "Accused you of all sorts of crimes." "Fraternising with slayers, befriending breathers..." " Oh, ridiculous!" " I have several pages here about someone called Elizabeth Branaugh." "In the end, I sent Justice Moroi to investigate if there was any truth in these claims." "These charges are very serious, indeed." " Have you anything to add?" " There is one thing..." "Sometimes, I've seen them play... board games." "Disgraceful." " Oh, preposterous allegations!" " Don't know what he's talking about!" "Silence!" "The trial will begin one hour before daybreak." "If you are found guilty, it will be death by dawn for you, Count Dracula." "Don't you mean death..." " at dawn?" " No." "He said, death by dawn." "We drag you out, and wait for the sunlight to do its thing." "Oh...yes, that would do it." "Who made you judge, jury and executioner?" "My card." ""Justice Moroi." ""Judge, Jury and Executioner."" " Any more questions?" " Yeah, do I get a front row seat?" " Ingrid!" " All right." "Do we all get front row seats?" "For your own father's execution?" " Of course you do." " Except for that half-fang." "Hey!" "Who are you calling half-fang?" "I'm as good a vampire as you are!" "I accept the challenge!" "The crypt, midnight" " for a duel to the death." " Will, you zombie-brained zombie!" " What did I do?" " You picked a fight with the second most powerful vampire!" "Don't worry, I'm gonna get you out of here." "What are you doing?" "Ah, just...getting this book on ancient vampire law!" "Don't worry, Dad, I'll get you out of this." "Everything's going to be fine... probably." "All right, here we go." " Wish me luck, Jonno!" " In your own time." "This century if possible." "Not bad, Eric." "Good luck, Dad." "Here's the plan." "We run away." "You two go first, while they're looking for you, I'll rescue Robin." "We meet up in Uncle Ivan's place, hide there" " till the heat's off." " No!" "Count Dracula does not run away." "You did last time." "Some of those peasants had really big pitchforks." "This is worse than any peasants." "This is the Grand High Vampire!" "By tomorrow, you'll be in California, or..." "Decorating the inside of Renfield's Hoover." " Your choice." " I choose neither!" "I'm not leaving my castle." "Dad!" "What are we gonna do now?" "What do you mean we?" "Great." "What do I do now?" "No doubt about it." "Dracula's guilty." "This whole place stinks of breather!" " Your Grandness, what's wrong?" " I smell sweat." "Breather sweat!" "What kind of vile abomination is this?" "!" "Filthy breather shoes!" " Dispose of them, Moroi." " At once." "Bite the neck of reality." "You can't win with Moroi." "Don't underestimate me!" "I can take him on!" "Then this is going to be more fun than I thought." "Choose your weapon." "Sword..." "..or axe?" " PHRRT!" " Who needs weapons?" "Let's do this right now." "No." "It must be at the appointed time and place." "I think underneath that mask, you're just a chicken." "Cluck, cluck, cluck..." "CLUCKING CONTINUES" " Will!" "Ignore him." " Crypt." "Midnight." "For a duel to the death." "This is not looking good, Zoltan." "Any bright ideas?" "ZOLTAN SNORES" "Zoltan!" "You are not helping." "That's because your father is as guilty as a puppy in a wet patch." " He's doomed." "Unless..." " What?" "The Count has the right to appeal to the Grand High Vampire." " All he has to do is ask nicely." " You want the Prince of Darkness to say please?" "Like I said." "He's doomed." "Vampire scum..." "I mean, target identified." "Now proceed at a moderate pace." "I want to see a nice clean slaying." "Hold it steady!" "Remember your staking distances!" "Don't be a back-seat slayer!" "Take cover!" "So do I lose marks for this?" "Dad, I've got a plan." "EERIE MUSIC PLAYS" "MUSIC CONTINUES" "There you are." " What are you doing?" " CLOCK CHIMES" "CRASHING" "Dad?" "Dad are you down here?" "Prepare to die!" "Oh, it's you!" "I thought you were the half-fang." " He's 30 seconds late already." " Looks like the duel's off." " Mmm, shame." "So what are you doing down here?" " Uh, I live here, remember?" " Don't get clever with me, Young Dracula!" "No need for that, I'm just trying to find my dad." "He's not in his room, have you seen him?" " HE SNARLS" " I'll take that as a no." "Excuse me, have you seen my..." "Dad?" "!" "What happened?" "The, er..." "Grand High Vampire's not feeling very well." " We must get you out before Moroi..." " Before Moroi finds out what?" "The Grand High Vampire has been slain!" "What do you have to say for yourself, Dracula?" "I'm waiting." "Ahh-choo!" "Oops." "The Grand High Vampire was a cunning, vicious predator, the perfect vampire." "And now you, Count Dracula, have murdered him!" " The only murderer in this room is you!" " Uh?" " Day walker!" "What?" " You heard me!" "It happened at midnight." " What are you doing?" " CHIMING, CRASHING" " I saw you kill him!" " But Moroi was with me..." " Are you sure about the time?" " Positive!" "The clock chimed... they were over here, they had a fight." "They must have knocked the clock over." "It stopped, at midnight exactly." "This stinking breather has made a mistake!" "It wasn't me." "It's hard to mistake a guy with a helmet for a face." "Oh, wait, don't tell me, you carry a spare one?" "Actually I do." "And I gave it to him!" "Justice Moroi asked me to polish his spare battle helmet, ready for the fight." "I think that's what he said." "CLANG!" " And when I got back, the helmet was gone!" " Then what happened?" "Someone stole it!" " Pretending to be him." " And murdered the Grand High Vampire?" " Cool." " Not cool!" "Vamp-on-vamp violence is the ultimate crime." "I shall search this castle from battlement to crypt, until I find the fiendish murderer." "Starting in your room, Count Dracula!" " You're wasting your time!" "There's nothing here!" " Oh, really?" "And what do you call this?" "Garlic perfume!" "I bought that for my wife." "You were trying to kill Mum?" " No, just give her a nasty rash." " Dad!" "It doesn't prove that I killed the Grand High Vampire!" "No, but this does!" "Right!" "That's it!" "Count Dracula, I sentence you to..." "Death!" "Death to all you vampires!" "Waaargghhh!" "SCREAMING CONTINUES" " Dad!" " Warrrrrgh!" "Professor Chaney, I knew I'd prove myself to you one day..." " Yet again, Eric, you made one basic error." " Oh, what now?" "Never take time out to gloat, because..." "Vampires have super speed!" "Don't be too disappointed." "You still get to witness the execution of Count Dracula!" "When are you going to get it through that thick helmet of yours" " that you have no evidence against me?" " And what do you call this?" "!" " METALLIC RATTLE" " What's that noise?" "An earring?" "!" "What?" " Oh, that..." " Explain yourself, girl!" "Keep your leather pants on, Justice Moron." "Yes, I took your stupid helmet." "I was trying to come up with a plan to save my boyfriend." "When I saw that maggot running for his life," "I went to investigate, spotted the helmet, and it gave me an idea." "HE GRUNTS" " Will?" " GRUFFLY:" " I mean, half-fang?" "What's wrong with your voice?" "Um, I've...er... got a sore throat." "So I'm cancelling the fight." "You really are a chicken!" "Cluck, cluck, cluck..." "Silence or I'll rip off your wings and stuff you with them." "Sorry, Justice Moroi." "Who?" "I mean, yes, well." " Just don't let it happen again." " You dared impersonate me?" "It was brave." "That helmet stinks of zit cream and bat breath... so I ditched it in Dad's room." "You framed me for Grand High Vampicide!" " Yes." " You see, Moroi, your evidence is worthless." "Maybe." "There's still the matter" " of you fraternising with breathers and slayers." " You'll never prove it!" "Oh, I don't think I'll have too much trouble." "That reminds me." "Why are those breathers still breathing?" "Because they are my evidence." "Nobody is to harm them... until the execution is over." "Then we shall squeeze them like lemons." "Dad!" "Count Dracula?" "!" "Don't worry, Dad, I'll save you!" "Nice hat!" "Where's your clipboard now, baldie?" "And so, Count Dracula, your death is nigh, and vampires everywhere will rejoice at your demise." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Pssst!" "You've got to get out of there!" "Oh, well done, Robin." "Unfortunately, this cage is made of argentalium." " It drains vampire powers." " Can't you just turn into smoke or something?" "Oh, he'll soon be turning into smoke...permanently." "Count Dracula, you are guilty of fraternising with slayers and breathers..." "Stop!" "You can't do this!" "Course I can." "Face it, Vlad, you've lost." "And I sentence you to..." "No." "You actually can't do this!" "We still have the right to appeal to the new Grand High Vampire." "You'll have to postpone the execution." "Fine." "MOROI CHUCKLES" "I guess you should start appealing." "You're going to make yourself the Grand High Vampire?" "Executions are so much fun!" "I hereby crown myself Grand High Vampire..." "Right, slayer time!" "Take that, vampire!" " Boris!" " Boris!" " Zit cream and bat breath!" " Of course!" " Boris." " Why?" " Revenge, Vlad." "Sweet, sweet revenge." "How could I be so stupid?" "I've been asking myself that for 14 years." "You killed the Grand High Vampire and tried to frame my dad!" " But you said he was with you!" " Yeah, at midnight." "But the murder didn't happen at midnight, did it?" "You planned it all along!" " You knew Robin was there..." " There you are." " You changed the time on the clock..." " What are you doing?" "You murdered the Grand High Vampire..." "CHIMING, CRASHING" "I can't believe I nearly fell for that corny time-switch trick!" " What happened to the real Justice Moroi?" " What d'you think?" "You murdered him too?" "You're as mad as a kipper!" "Well, now we've sorted that out, can someone get me out of this cage?" "Sorry, Uncle Count!" "But your sentence, it still stands." " You don't have that right." " Oh, but I will, when I become the Grand High Vampire!" "SHRIEKING" "The Crown!" "It destroyed him!" "Like I'm going to destroy all you vampires!" "Prepare to die, foul stench on the breath of humanity!" "Come here and say that, slayer!" " All right." " Closer." "Oh, closer." "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Dad!" "What, what's wrong?" "Change of plan." "Come on, Jonno, we're going home." "I don't understand." "Actually, I don't understand anything that's happened." "At least someone's acting normally today." "When you've quite finished, could somebody please get me out of here before dawn?" "!" "I'm coming, Master!" "Eric Van Helsing, you have failed your Ofslay Inspection and you are ejected from the Slayer's Guild." "This HQ is now Guild property." "Stake and badge, please?" "I'll leave you to collect your belongings." "Close the door on your way out." " Dad, what's going on?" " I've let you down, son." "What do you mean?" "The Count!" " He's got your mum!" " No!" "She's a prisoner." "He said if I didn't leave quietly... we'd never see her again." "Dad, what do we do now?" "Whatever it takes." "It's time to bite back." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"