" You know where the bathroom is?" " I'll give you your bathroom." " Whoa." " Pipe..." "Piper!" " Piper, maybe you should slow down." " Don't judge me." "You don't know what it's like to get dumped by your boyfriend." " That's true." " Heads up." "Douche alert." "Derek Tricolli." "Mira, chica." "I couldn't help but overhear." "You're a free bird." "*[Man Singing]" " *[Ends]" " Well, guess what." "I got two tickets to the Dandy Warhols tomorrow night." " ¿ Te gustan mis boletas?" " I love the Dandy Warhols." "Of course you do." "Because... and this just in... they rock." "So what do you say?" "I'll pick you up in my S.L. 500 with nav." "It's kind of like your car, but costs 100,000 more." " Up top!" " Why would I slap your hand for that?" "You know what, why not?" "I will go to the concert with you." "W-W-Wait." "They're playing at the TransAlliance Airlines Center?" "I work for TransAlliance Air." " L-l-I can get the tickets." " You know what, even better." "I will go to the concert with you." "Great." "Awesome." "I mean, fine, whatever." "No big deal." "But..." "Oh, I get it." "Girls' night out." "Ya-Ya Sisterhood Traveling Pants." "Look, Piper, you wanna go with a real man, invitation stands." "Derek Tricolli, out." " The concert's gonna be so much fun." " Yeah, I know." "I can't wait." "Have to go puke now." "Sam, what are you doing?" "We're just going to a concert." "Get off my back, pooter patch." "I know you've had a crush on her for forever." "This isn't an opening for you." "Piper and Marco will get back together." "They always do." "Oh, yeah." " Hello." " Hey, Meryl." "Hey, it's Sam." "I'm sorry to bother you on a Saturday, but I need a huge, huge, huge favor." "Can I get the company seats to the TransAlliance Center tomorrow night?" "I don't see why not." "I'll set it up." " Yes." " You sound like you're having fun." " Are you at a gay bar?" " No." "No." "I'm visiting my grandmother at the cemetery." "Some gravediggers are playing music." "Very inappropriate." " Who you talking to?" " Sam." "Sam." "Good." "Sam, we're about to close on our partnership deal with KLM." "What did we pay for those 737 s we bought in '96?" " Well, uh, um..." " Ah, come on, boy." "You had a whole chapter on this in your college thesis." "Stop fiddling your "wien" and think." " Uh, uh, uh, it was, um..." " Hands off your turkey hook, son." "Eighteen percent over 10 years, reducible to 12, dependent on foreign levies." "Yeah, that's right." "Hey, why aren't you down here?" " Well, uh, yesterday you said senior executives only." " Get down here, boy!" "Crap nappers." "Sully." "Sully." "I have to go to work right now, I'm still drunk, you got to do something." " Sober you up?" " No!" "All right, all right." "Let's take it up a notch." "Sammy!" "*[Man Singing]" "*[Ends]" "Oh, Thesis, glad you could join us." "You look like you just spent 10 hours with the day shift at a Vietnamese cathouse." " I'm just..." "I'm just tired." " You better get some close-eye." "We're picking this up again tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. Sharp." "Oh, and, Carol, I know there are laws... but please do us all a favor and don't pump your jugs at the table!" "Hey, Darcy." "What are you doing here on a Saturday?" "Catering." "Believe it or not, being your assistant doesn't pay off my student loans." "I'm also a clown." "And sometimes I dress up as a giant hot dog and hold an arrow." "Well, great to see you." "Sam, here are the tickets you wanted." "Oh, thank you so much, Meryl." "I really appreciate it." " You're drunk." " What?" "No, no, no, no, I'm not." "Yes, you are." "You smell like Carroll O'Connor." "Want to slap me across the face and call it scene study?" "*[Man Singing]" "*[Continues]" "*[Ends]" "*[Man Singing]" "*[Continues]" "I'm home." " Oops!" "Sam, did I get you?" " No, you missed me." "We're playing drunk blind darts." "It's so much harder, Sam." "What are you guys aiming at?" "Any voice." "Are those the sleeves from my shirts?" "Just your work shirts." "[Screams]" " Where's Piper?" " Passed out in her bedroom." " Thank you." " Sucker!" "[Knocking]" "*[Man Singing]" "Sam." "[Whispering] Hey, I got the tickets for tomorrow night." "Geez." "Skunk licker!" "Awesome." " Guess what." " What?" "Marco left three messages... and I haven't called him back." "I mean, I was passed out." "But still, how good am I being?" "So good." "Yeah." "The concert's gonna be fun." "It'll be just like a date." " It will?" " Yeah." "Sam, am I in my underwear?" "Uh, yeah." " Any nip slip?" " No, no." "You're good." " Good night." " Okay." "Good-bye." "*[Continues]" " *[Ends]" " Good news, people." "KLM has agreed to merge with us." "I guess the Dutch have taken a break from the hashish pipe long enough to figure out... that it's gonna take more than tulips and live sex shows to keep them in wooden shoes." "The only thing left is to determine the value of our respective routes." "All right, people, let's get to work." "Thesis, lose thejacket." "It's the Lord's day." " Uh, I'd rather not, sir." " Do you hate God?" "What?" "No." "Love God." "Big fan." "Then lose the jacket!" "[Sam] I had a little dry-cleaning mishap." " Are those the sleeves from my shirts?" " Just your work shirts." "Oh, great news, ladies!" "We got a Chippendale!" "Line up behind Carol and you can stick a dollar in his banana bag." "[Meryl] I think this looks good." "My one concern is KLM's Paris-Amsterdam route." "It might be overvalued." "No, no." "We built in that contingency against our Chicago-Berlin route." " The Dutch are high." "So are we." " Believe me, the Dutch are high." "All right, I will call KLM and make the offer." " See you mañana, everybody!" " Yes!" "Hey, Darcy, I think I found an error." "But if you say something, you'll have to work all night and miss your concert." " Exactly." " The suspense is killing me." "Whatever will you do?" " Um, Russ?" " Hmm?" " This number's off, I think." " Let me see that." "Son of a bitch!" "Come back, everybody!" "People, come back!" "Thesis found an error.!" "And it's a whopper.!" "All right, I know this is date night... but the only things getting porked around here are your plans." " [Cell Phone Rings]" " Piper?" "Marco went on a date." " What?" " I finally called him back... and I heard a girl laughing in the background." " He said it was the TV, then I heard the TV call him Marco." " Oh, that sucks." " One of your Xbox buddies?" " What?" "Oh, no, no." "No." " The boy has the company seats for a concert tonight." " Oh, music." "I love it." " Maybe we could let Sam leave a little early so..." " Yeah, who's playing?" " They're called the Dandy Warhols." " Dandy Warhols?" "That is my son's favorite rock-and-roll group." "All right, this is perfect." "You stay here and work." "I'll give the tickets to Keith and his roommate, Steven." "This will make up for my no-show at the opening of their dog bakery." "Tickets, please." " Thank you." " Sam?" " I'm sorry." " What's going on?" "This sucks." "I don't think I can go to the concert." "I got to work tonight." "My boss took the tickets." "It's a total crapstorm." "I'm so, so sorry." " You know what, Sam, it's fine." " It is?" "Yeah." "If Marco wants to go out with some bimbo, sorority, sweatshirt-wearing suck skank..." " then I'm going out with Derek Tricolli." " What?" " No, no, no." "That's crazy." " Shut it, Mr. T!" "God, I look great in this Old Navy skirt." " Thanks, Old Navy." " [Cash Register Rings]" "All right, folks, thanks to Colonel Show-the-guns here, it's gonna be a long night." "Because if one number is wrong, they might all be wrong." "So I want you to pull your heads out of your tooter shoots and get this thing done." "*[Man Singing]" "*[Ends]" "Carol, did you break down the Rotterdam to Maastricht route yet?" "Uh, no." "I had to run downstairs and give my milk to my husband... so my baby wouldn't starve to death." "Great." "Excuse me." "Thesis, what are you doing?" " Uh, uh, just going to the bathroom." " Good." "Let's roll two deep." "Come on, boy." "We don't have all day." "Bomb the harbor!" "[Bang]" " Six Mississippi, seven Mississippi..." " [Cell Phone Rings]" "Eight Mississippi." "Good boy, Beckman." "Good boy, Sully." "Is this important?" "'Cause we're right in the middle of something." " Did Piper go out with Derek Tricolli?" " We tried to talk her out of it..." " but she was so angry she said she had to do something." " That's revenge sex, Sammy." "They pick the pushiest, most obnoxious guy to get back at their boyfriend with." "You don't think she'd ever do anything with him, do you?" "I don't know." "She was pretty steamed at Marco." "You know what they say about a woman's corn." "It's a woman scorned, Lizzy." " [Chuckles] I don't think so." " We have to stop her." "Ohh!" "Do that again, but say my name this time." "Look, I really need to go." "It's an emergency." "Does this have anything to do with the concert?" " Do you know what revenge sex is?" " Are you kidding?" " That's how I met my second husband..." "and his mother." " What?" "Yeah, well, I really need to go." "There might be an opening." "And you want to fill that opening, don't you, John Thomas?" "Okay." "I'll cover for you." "But get back as fast as you can." "You're the only one here who knows everything about the purchase history on the MD-80s." " I'll hurry." "I promise." " Oh, and when you get back... act like you've had uncontrollable diarrhea." "I will." "Thank you, Meryl." "*[Man Singing]" "[Engine Sputtering]" "No, no, no, no, no.!" "Damn it!" " *[Continues] - [Horn Honks]" "Electric car never runs out of gas." "Congratulations." "You're a tremendous human being." "Where do you think electricity comes from, douche?" "*[Continues]" "Hey, you got any tickets?" "I got one left." "Front row." "Four hundy." " What?" "The concert's almost over." " Take it or leave it." "Fine." "Fine." "And give me a Dandy Warhol T-shirt." "Sold out." "I just have these from last night's act." " Just give me any T-shirt." " Twenty for the shirt." " Okay." "Thank you." " *[Continues]" "*[Ends]" " [Audience Cheering] - [Man] Thank you, Chicago.!" "Good night.!" "[Screams]" "[All Shouting, Screaming]" "[Cell Phone Rings]" " Piper?" " No, Meryl." "I'm stalling the best I can, Sam." "But Russ just asked me to poke in on you in the little boy's room... and find out how much Delta paid for Alitalia's fleet of MD-80s in 1992." "Um, 14 planes, three million per..." "42 million?" "Nice pull." "That should buy you an extra hour." "Someday I'd like to crawl inside that computer brain of yours... and hump your hard drive dry." " Sam?" " Yeah?" "Could you just breathe for me?" "Just breathe." "That's it." "[Inhales] Breathe." " Sam!" " Piper." "Hey, what's up, money?" "Nice shirt." "Pee sitting down much?" "It is so good to see you." "What was I thinking?" "I hate him." "Concert was awesome." "Remember the second song, Piper?" "When the guitarist went ba da da da da and the bassist went dum dum dum... the singer was, like..." "Ahh..." "and they were all like... da da dum aah!" "You know you like it." "We'd love to stay and chinwiggle... but we got rezzies at Charlie Trotter's, table for dos, booth in the back." "You know, the one near the plant." "[Kissing]" "Yeah, you know, now that Sam's here, I might just catch a ride home with him." "All right, cool." "Catch you later." "Hey, sweet meat, wanna get a steak?" " What a douche." " Major Massengill." "Thank you so much, Sam." "But what are you doing here?" "I don't know." "I thought you might need some help." "I did." "I realized it as soon as we got into the car." "He turned on the seat warmers and he told me he likes his buns toasted." " Oh, God." " I hate that guy so much." " Sam?" "Sam Sullivan?" " Yeah." "It's me Keith." "Russ's son." "Your B-hole boss?" "We met at that outrageous Christmas party at the Hilton." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Hey, how's it goin'?" " This is my boyfriend, Steven." "But if my dad asks, he is my "roommate" that I have sex with." " Hey, call me Steve." " Oh, hi, Steve." "My dad loves this guy, although he'd never let him know it... because he never lets anyone he loves know it." "Easy, Keith." "You're your own man." "You're my backbone, Black Thunder." "Now listen, you guys... we're scooching on over to the band's hotel." "They got an afterparty going on." "It turns out Steven here knows one of the roadies." "We played football together at Alabama." "Roll, Tide!" "Roll, Tide.!" "He's a jock." "Listen, you guys should come." " Well, we got..." " Oh, my God." "Yes!" " I have such a crush on the lead singer." " You do?" "I didn't know that." "I mean, that's cool." "I got a lot of crushes." "Well, listen, you guys come." "It's at the Avalon Hotel." "They're checked in under the name Snootch Patrol." " I don't get it." " Me neither." " [Engine Starts]" " Roll out!" "Great!" "[Giggles]" "*[Man Singing]" " Hey, thank you for saving me from Derek Tricolli." " Oh, God." "How could you have even gone out with that guy?" "I was so pissed at Marco." "I just wanted to get back at him." "Well, you shouldn't have even given him the satisfaction." "You deserve a guy who's cool... you know, and nice and successful and creative." "Somebody who really appreciates what he has." "Sam." "Piper." "Hello." "Thank you for coming." "Let's do it close." "I like that." "This is my friend, Courtney." "But you may know him as the lead singer of the Dandy Warhols." "Holler!" "Hi, I'm Courtney." " You have lovely eyes." " Thanks." "I'm..." "I'm Sam." "I'm..." "I'm, uh, Piper's roommate." "Among other things, I'm with Piper." "We're like a team." " [Cell Phone Rings]" " Hello." "Sam, get back here." "Russ is not buying the squirts anymore." "He said you'd be dead by now." "Get back here!" "And you better look like you passed a Frenchman." " Okay, okay, okay." "Damn it." " [Courtney] Ohh.!" " I had no idea that song was even about you." " Piper..." "That is amazing." "Well, I've never listened to the lyrics before." " So how would I know?" " I need to go to work." " Do you want me to drop you off at home away from that creep?" " Are you kidding me?" "I've had a crush on him, like, forever." "You were the one who said I deserve a guy who's cool and creative and successful." "Maybe this is him." "Oh!" "Well, people, we may have saved this crippled goose yet." "So pull up your pants." "We're not getting reamed tonight." "[Groans]" "My God, Thesis." "We thought we'd lost you." "Oh, sorry, sir." "I ate a really sketchy clam." "You know what they say about eating seafood on a Monday." "You get the twos on Tuesday." "You know what I mean?" "[Chuckles]" "Clay Aiken, huh?" "My son is a Claymate." " Oh, I'll bet." " All right, people." "It's time to sneak one past the Dutchies on the left-hand side... and unload our St. Louis MD-80s on those tulip-crammers." "Great." "We're not even supposed to store aircraft there... because the subfreezing temperatures might damage the structural integrity." " So good work." " Wait, wait, wait." "Wait a tick." "Has anybody here seen those planes recently?" " No, but, I..." " Good catch, Thesis." "Go to St. Louis right now and put some eyeballs on those birds." " Oh, l-l-I think it's fine." " Oh, no, no." "We can't afford to make a mistake." "The Dutch may have their fingers in their dikes... but they are sure to find out if our airplanes have gone queer." "Go!" "Oh, and take Mother, Jugs and Speed with you." "*[Man Singing]" "*[Continues]" " *[Continues] - [Sam Sighs]" "I knew it." "Oh, thank God." " Hey, Sam." " Hey." " Did you just say "thank God"?" " Oh, yeah, yeah." "I like to thank him for everything." "Or her." "You never know." "So what happened to the Dandy Warhol?" "Oh, nothing." "He already had two girls in the bathtub." "Hey, do you know what a "fourgie" is?" "Yes." "Not for you." "Very tiring." "Yeah." "So I guess we didn't get to go on our date, huh?" "It would have been fun, though." " I always have the best time with you." " [Chuckles]" "Whenever anything happens, you're the first person I want to tell it to." "Me too." "Hmm." "Hey, I called Marco to tell him I went on a date... but before I could even get the words out of my mouth... he said that he doesn't want to see other people after all." "That I'm the one for him." "We're back together." "Yea!" " Yea." " Good night, Sammy." " Night-night." " Thanks for saving me." "Always." " Good night, Piper." " Night." " *[Continues]" " God." "You were right." " They got back together." " They always do." " I'm sorry, Sam." " No, that's fine." "No, no." "It's not fine." "Look, you've got to move on from Piper." "It's, like, when I was nine years old, I had this horse that I just really loved." "And one day, it broke its leg and I had to shoot it in the head." "You got to shoot Piper in the head, Sam." "You think about that." " Okay." " *[Ends]" "*[Man Singing]" "Oh, wait, um... before we go any further, there's something I really need to tell you." " I'm a virgin." " Oh, my God." "Yeah, it's just..." "I'm super self-conscious about it, but I really wanted you to know." " No." "No, I think it's so sweet and kind of sexy." " Yeah?" "Oh, that's..." " [Screams]" " How dare you sleep with me and never call me again!" " Lizzy, what are you doing?" " I thought we were doing bad-boy heartbreaker?" " No, no." "We're doing, uh, "I'm a virgin." "Isn't that sweet?"" " Oh." "I, uh..." "I don't even know who she is." "I've never seen..." " [Screams]" " I can't believe you didn't sleep with me that time!" "Lizzy." "What, just..." "No." "Wait." " Let's go find somebody else." "We'll try again." " All right." " [Whistling] Uh-oh." " [Zipper Zips]"