"(Bailey)Hey, Simon, we see you got your fruit delivery." "(Allan) Yeah, fruits for the fruit." "Really good one, Allan." "(Allan) 'Cause you're a queer fruit." "Hey, we were wondering what kind of fruit you were." "(Allan) Are you a cumquat?" "Cumquat." "Ha ha ha!" "(Bailey) Get it?" "Got it." "Sort of." "(Allan) Or maybe a bumpkin." "Agaybum." "Those are all really good, maybe you wanna write them down." "Hey, are you coming onto me?" "(Simon) What?" "No!" "Why not?" "Allan's a good-looking guy." "Do you wanna fruit him?" "Uh, no!" "Why not?" "If I was gay, I'd wanna fruit me." "If I was a girl." "Come on." "Just throw him in the closet." "(Bailey) Time to go in the closet, buddy!" "(jocks laugh)" "THUD!" ""Planto...men..." "in schola ...hilaris"." "You're already reading the magic words, aren'tcha?" "Sort of." "Can you hand me my blood mop then?" "I'm gonna need it later." "(Jimmy) The one right there, and the bucket." "SUBSFREAK © Adriano_CSI" "What have you learned from observing the boy?" "(Atticus) Well, I've learned that he masturbates, pretty much constantly." "Anytime he thinks no one's looking, it is on." "All right." "His daily routine includes, smoking cannabis with his one-armed friend, following that angry girl around." "The aforementioned masturbatory marathons and just the other day he saved the school from a pair of rabid zombies." "(hooded man) Whenever the book strikes, this Todd seems to be near." "(hooded man) He must be the one." "Uh, no trust me guys, Todd Smith is..." "Silence!" "Atticus, you must find out if the boy bears the mark." "What mark?" "The mark on his penis." "Everyone knows that." "Sure." "There's nothing illegal about a guidance counselor asking to see a teenage boy's penis." "Excellent." "No, I was..." "I was being sarcastic." "It's totally illegal..." "Silence!" "Be gone." "(Atticus) Okay, I'll be gone-ing... (Crystal) Last night he said he couldn't live without me, and today he said he could." "James wouldn't even touch me in his car thimmorning." "I even offered to let him put his you know what in my you know where." "(Jasmine) You won't believe this..." "The football team doesn't want their morning BJ's." "What the heck is going on around here?" "What we know!" "It's called the Book Of Pure Evil." "It's evil." "Pure evil actually." "(Hannah) It makes bad things happen, which seem like good things at first." "Oh, oh!" "But then they turn really, really bad." "Very good, Todd." "(Hannah) What we don't know!" "(Hannah) Where it is?" "What it is?" "Whatitdoes?" "How tostop it?" "(Hannah) Is it alive?" "Whoknowsaboutit?" "And is it magic or science?" "Oh, and we don't know what happened to Jenny's Dad" "Do you know your eyes flash when you think hard?" "What?" "(Curtis) They flash." "It'skindabeautiful." "What are you talking about?" "Flash." "Flash." "It's mesmerizing" "Okay, new weirdness." "Every guy in school just dumped his girlfriend this morning." "Every single one." "Maybe they all woke up this morning and realized their girlfriends were a bunch of skanks." "Ha, yeah." "Oh what?" "hehen I say it it's like offensive, but when you say it..." "You are so pitiful." "But don't his eyes flash when he's being pitiful?" "Look, it's like a little bit of green lightning reflected in a still pond." "Dude, will you stop acting so..." "Gay!" "I have a theory." "Based on what Jenny just said, and the bizarre display I'm witnessing right now," "I think that every boy in the school is now gay." "Baloney!" "It fits." "(Todd) No, I am not gay." "?" "I feel nothing." "Nothing." "Yup!" "He's gay all right" "(dance music plays)" "Umtthis is really tough for me to talk about." "Yup, you woke up this morning and you don't like girls anymore." "Okay, there you go." "You're a gay now." "Go do your gay things." "(dance music plays)" "(dance music plays)" "(dance music plays)" "(Atticus) Is Todd Smith out there?" "(Atticus) I see you, Todd!" "Hey, buddy." "Hey, I wanna see your penis." "You wanna see my what?" "You know." "I don't." "We both know what I'm talking about." "Show it to me." "No way." "Mr. Smith, don't make me strip search you." "What?" "I'm allowed." "As a school official," "I'm allowed to conduct a range of..." "Strip search techniques." "Did you just say strip search?" "I'm allowed." "No, you're not?" "Well done." "Well done, Todd." "(Atticus) Of course I'm not allowed to strip search you, and if you had allowed me, you would have failed the inappropriate behaviour test." "Okay, next." "You passed." "Go." "Shoo, shoo." "I'm ready for my next inappropriate behaviour testee." "Stop looking at my hatch." "Then stop waving it in my face." "(Todd) I'm not gay." "It's okay, you're not alone." "You don't understand, I dream about Jenny every night." "What am I gonna do now?" "Dream about going shopping with her?" "My whole identity is based on trying to get in her pants." "Maybe you should accept that there's other pants in the sea, Todd." "This issn't fair." "Hello, Todd." "What are you doing in here?" "Well, I work here, and I can go wherever I want and I certainly don't answer to you." "You're in the boys change-room, a y you brought a camera." "I don't see where you're going with ts." "You're a- no offense- creepy older guy, in the boy's change-room, where we change, and you brought a camera." "Oh, I'm..." "I'm taking pictures." "For the yearbook." "(Curtis) In the boy's change-room." "Where we change." "Oh, right." "I see your point." "I'm, oh, okay, well I'll just take a couple of pictures of you guys in the shower before I go, and..." "What the heck..." "You know what dude, let's shower later." "?" "Hey, Simon, I'm just gonna get straight to the point." "Straight to it." "Get it?" "(Allan) We're gonna get straight to the point with you, the straight guy." "(Simon) This is not what I asked for." "(Bailey) No, seouously." "And the girls here, we just stoped d by" "(Bailey) to see how the school's token breeder was doing." "(Simon) Just get away from me!" "Uh oh, looks like we got ourselves a homophobe here!" "We've got ways of dealing with homophobes around here." "(Jenny) Hey!" "Guys!" "Uh, if you think this guy's a homophobe," "(Jenny) there's some guys out in the parking lot, straight guys, anand theye e calling everyone fags." "Gay fags." "(screams)" "Don't even think about running, straight boy!" "We'lbebe back!" "(jock) I'll show you raraditional familyalalues!" "(Brody) They'll get trered soon." "Mmon, did you find a bk?" "k?" "I wanted emem to knww what it's like to be gay." "JeJenny) Yes, but was there a book involved?" "It's all f fault." "Thiss s all mfafault." "(Wanda) You're dedead man, Simon!" "When I tell ererybyy who's behind this, don't even think about running!" "Hahat was tht t about?" "I'd say it's time to think about running." "What kind of a name is book of pure evil?" "(Todd) We didn't name it." "Who did?" "I just wanted all the boys in school to feel what it's like to be me." "Gay." "But I did not know it was gonna make me straight." "I like being gay, I'm good at it." "(Todd) I suck at it." "(Curtis) Suck at it, good one." "(Curtis) It would be hilarious if you said burn me, right now." "Who are you people?" "We fight evil." "With mixed results." "Ugh, we better get to that meeting." "Some of the dumb girls called a meeting." "We're gonna check it out." "You go see if the book's in Simon's locker." "Jenny, even though they don't turn me on anymore," "I still really like your..." "frie nds." "You know, as friends." "Stay gay, Todd, stay gay." "Whoa..." "I'd like to break me off a piece of that." "I don't know how, and I don't know why," "(Wanda) but I do know this is all the straight guy's fault." "Simon, he's gotta pay for what he's done." "(Hannah) Yeah, that guy's goin' down!" "YEAH!" "I'm infiltrating." "Controlling the situation." "Let's nail this sucker!" "(cheers)" "He's a real jerk, we should send him a message!" "What kind of message?" "(Hannah) Oh, a serious one." "Iwasthinkingweshouldegghislocker." "I think we need to think of something a little more nasty." "Yeah!" "How 'bout this?" "We find Simon, we pin him down." "And then, I take a marker, a perman ent marker and I write jerk on his forehead." "That will show him!" "Why don't we just kill him?" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "Kill Simon!" "(girls cheer)" "(Hannah) I..." "I think marker..." "Hell hath no fury like a hundred skanks scorned." "See, right where I left it." "Hm, I can't believe it's still there." "(Curtis) Todd?" "(Wanda) We're going to get you, Simon!" "(Jasmine) You are so dead, Simon!" "(Todd) Shoot!" "Come on!" "Simon!" "(Todd) This way!" "(Todd) We found the book, but it flew away!" "Stupid flying book!" "(jock) There they are!" "Go!" "Go, go go go go go!" "(Jenny) What did you do?" "We found Simon!" "We made him pay!" "(Curtis) That's not Simon." "(Todd) That is." "Kill Simon!" "Kill Simon!" "(girls yell)" "(metal music plays)" "(mob yells)" "(Todd) We'll hide in the boiler room!" "(metal music plays)" "(metal music plays)" "Hey, guys, what's goin' on?" "We're being chased by a gay mob, every guy in the school has turned gay." "(Curtis) It's gay day!" "Well, that explains this then." "Uh, I think it's only affecting the students." "Forget you ever saw this." "KILL SIMON!" "KILL SIMON!" "We need to get outta here!" "Well, maybe they won't look down here." "Maybe they're in there!" "Let's go boys!" "(Hannah) It won't hold them for long!" "AHHHHHH!" "I need to hear a plan." "Wait this whole thing is because of Simon, right?" "Maybe if we get Simon to go back to being gay, everyone else will go back to being straight." "Right, we brake the spell." "Okay, how do we make somebody gay?" "Hey, Simon, do you remember the good old days?" "When you were gay." "I do, but it just makes me feel really weird now." "No no, it's not weird, it's natural." "Everybody's doing it." "Push!" "Get the breeder!" "Get out, straight boy!" "Remember the first time you, uh..." "Did gay stuff." "Yeah!" "It was great, wasn't it?" "(Curtis) Being gay, doing gay stuff with other gay guys." "In gay places!" "Boink." "(Todd) What the..." "I was gay touching you." "Oh, right, and it felt great." "(Jenny) Yeah, that's real sexy, guys." "Simon, can I tell you a secret?" "Sure." "Todd said he thought you were really cute." "Dude, that was private!" "He said your lips were like two pillows." "Push me!" "Push!" "Push, push, push!" "This isn't working." "Okay, plan B. One of us has to kiss him." "I'm not gonna kiss a guy who thinks I'm gross." "Fine then." "I'll do it." "You stole my boyfriend, you jerk!" "We want them back!" "(Simon) Are you wearing lip gloss?" "You like?" "Bring in the mascot!" "THUD-THUD-THUD!" "(mascot) Leave me alone!" "I could use some help over here." "Okay, but this isn't because of your beautiful skin," "I'm doing this to save our lives." "Somebody help!" "Help!" "This... this is making me more straight." "They're getting in!" "It's time to take a stand!" "Gay or straight, discrimination has to be stopped." "Simon..." "Don't do it, Simon, you're only gonna make things worse." "I wanna burn him!" "I wanna burn him!" "Maybe he'll make things better." "?" "Hey!" "I'm Simon and I'm straight." "And I'm not afraid to be who I am." "Straight or gay, we all have the right to walk down the halls of Crowley High free of persecution and harassment." "If we could only look past our differences, to see what we have in common, we can work together to make our school a better place." "Look I'm sure each and everyone of you has once felt alone, unloved, or misunderstood." "Let's let our differences weave us into a ruch tapestry of harmony instead of tearing us apart in an angry mob of bigotry and hate!" "Get him!" "(mob screams)" "(jock) This is for reminding me that I'm all alone!" "AHHHHHHHH!" "(cheerleader) This is for reminding me that I'm unloved!" "I didn't see that coming." "I did." "So you failed, which is what you do." "(Atticus) I did not fail." "It's not my fault my camera was confiscated and destroyed." "By the way, I still have the receipt, so if you could reimburse me out of petty cash... (hooded leader) Silence!" "(hooded leader) What am I looking at?" "Uh, it's a sketch of the boy's penis." "Why does his penis have lightening around it?" "It's pubic hair." "This is a sketch of your penis." "It is not." "How would you even know if it was?" "Do not think for a second, Atticus, that we do not watch you." "Who watches my penis?" "(Atticus) Oh." "And I thought I was low man on the totem pole." "His job is to watch your penis, yo ur job is to bring us the book!" "Whatever you say, your evilness, yes." "What a trashhole." "What else have we learned today?" "I've learned that teachers don't seem to care what goes on around here." "Hey, Jenny, I think I need to take the gay test again." "Not on your life, Todd." "I'll give you the test." "Nah, that's okay, Hannah." "Man, I can't believe the most action" "I've ever gotten was with you." "If it's any consolation, you're a pretty good kisser." "Really?" "You think so?" "(Curtis) You're a way better kisser than Allan." "Ugh, tell me about it."