"(woman) previously, on united states of tara... i'm kinda worried about max, though." "the alters have been coming on to him." "i've been reading a tasteful guide to the french arts." "he says he respects our agreement and doesn't sleep with them, but i don't know... i think he's tempted." "it's been too long since we did any manly stuff." "all we do now is nurse trees and shit." "we're landscapers, asshole." "are you hiring?" "i'd like to fill out an application." "i think he's nice." "i'm workin' on this experimental theater thing right now." "you should come check it out." "hell house?" "is that the name of the play?" "hi!" "tiffany st. john." "this part over here, the water, would have kind of a tromp l'oeil-type feel." "i am impressed." "i know about the multiple personalities." "you know, you've conquered it with your creativity and your talent." "what are you doin'?" "trying to get laid." "i gotta get these concepts mocked up." "charmaine actually did me a favor for once." "it's a mural, too, not some boring bathroom job." "hey." "you and me tomorrow night." "[woman moaning]" "[contemplative music]" "* * * open up the sky * * this mess is getting high * * it's windy, and our family needs a ride *" "* * * i know we'll be just fine * * when we learn to love the ride *" "* * * i know we'll be fine * * when we learn to love the ride *" "* * * i know we'll be just fine * * when we learn to love * * the ride *" "[soft ping] i don't believe in god." "i wish i did." "[more feminine voice] hail mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee." "(tara) alice believes in god." "blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb." "i don't know what i believe in." "yes, i do." "faith." "and art." "not that what i do is art or anything." "this one here is for national colitis week." "hadassah plant a tree drive." "seem to be on some list for people who need gigantic fundraising thermometers." "but once in a while... what you do for work is also what you do for love." "and when that happens... [chuckles] it's heaven." "[beeping]" "max?" "you up?" "[beeping continues, shower running] [groans]" "[thud] ow!" "[clears throat] i didn't mean to-- i didn't realize you were, you know... [laughing] having your gentleman's time." "which is fine." "i think it's fantastic." "[giggles] what?" "where'd you get the term gentleman's time?" "i made it up." "right now. just now." "well, yeah." "i didn't know, so... no, no, it's good." "i like it." "it's...very rhett butler." "[as rhett] fetch me some brandy and cigars." "i'm preparing myself a gentleman's time." "why, 'cause we're not having-- mm. somethin' like that." "that's a..." "interesting question you pose, little lady." "some day when women have the vote, we'll have to discuss it." "until then, i'll just be in the library with the colonel having my gentleman's time." "okay, camping trip check." "book fair pledge." "oh, and if you could tell laurie marvin she can shove her pta blood drive out her hideous reworked snout... only kidding." "2:00 to 4:00 shift." "so eat that, alice." "like your glasses." "why's your sister wearing dark glasses?" "shade out drugs today." "tomorrow's put a cap on drugs." "we have to wear a hat." "look at you with the school spirit!" "not really." "she's just doing it because otherwise we'd get detention." "fucking benedict douche bag." "is this form for school?" "no, actually." "it's, um, it's a parental consent for this theater thing i'm doing." "what theater thing?" "(marshall) it's for halloween." "it's like a haunted house kind of deal." "wait, is it a hell house?" "a what?" "this evangelical play that they use to scare kids straight." "[gasps] maybe you can be a gang raper?" "no." "let's see, it says here," ""youth quaking', soul shakin'" ""keep you from waking' up satan's bacon" ""cutting edge evangelism tool of the '90s."" "they oughta change that right now." "i'm just doing it to infiltrate." "i'm writing an extra credit expose for social studies." "oh, marshy, i think you're a liar." "i think you're joining the god squad in order to get closer to jason." "and mystery solved." "his dad's the pastor." "oh, my god!" "i can't wait to dance at your ass pirate wedding!" "(max) hey, knock it off!" "if marshall wants to put his time into this, i'm sure he has a very good reason." "hmm. yeah." "* cock *" "(max) okay, marsh, am i dropping you?" "i gotta go." "yes. please." "[cell phone rings] [ringing] hey, neil." "n--[sighs] neil. neil!" "i-i can't understand you, neil." "i guess marijuana is a gateway drug after all." "why'd he call you from the ikea parking lot?" "olive garden waitress wouldn't go home with him, so he drove 3 feet and passed out." "fuck!" "this is a new client." "huge property." "how am i gonna aerate this lady's lawn in one day?" "was that rhetorical?" "because it sounded euphemistically filthy." "what?" "no!" "dad...i have a quiz in french fourth period." "i'll get you back in time." "come on." "[exhales] fine." "yeah!" "knuckles." "my man!" "all right." "(tiffany) now, you know what, honey?" "it's not saturation." "it's timing." "they don't want us in uganda, coolio, okay?" "but don't you tell me that we're done in winnipeg, because that's just fear talking, and i don't play that." "o-okay, honey, can i buzz you back?" "that's jeff from the president's team." "okay, bye, honey." "hey, himbo, give me the good news." "awesome." "okay, book it and cook it." "i'll talk to you soon." "okay, bye." "oh... my god!" "i came home late, so i didn't get to see what you did yesterday!" "oh, it's amazing." "i love it!" "it's like it's glowing." "i put mica in the pigment." "oh...you know, i am so glad you got me to go with inspiration over motivation." "oh, god, i just wanna live in there, right?" "[chuckling] are your other personalities all so talented?" "well, uh, alice plays the piano." "yes." "she's not very good, apparently." "just moves her arms around a lot." "[doorbell rings] oh, you need to keep that rock." "i mean it." "people always pick the one they need." "who is at our door?" "(charmaine) hey." "hey, sugar, come on in." "how's it going?" "well, i only have four rsvps, so maybe i could get another week before the byycb party." "oh, hey...tara." "um...that's the best you you can be party." "um...i already invited you, but you said you don't have disposable income." "okay, let me see these work sheets." "okay, why is this one crossed out?" "uh...i talked past the "yes."" "okay, all right." "now, you listen to me." "i am not gonna say that this isn't gonna be hard." "because to do anything of measure takes work." "but you can either stand here and say," ""why is everything always happening to me?"" "or you can take control and see what your life can become when you really let your light shine." "that's what i want." "[giggling] i'll come to your party, charmie." "you see that?" "all right, now go pick out a rock." "okay." "(tara) so she's recommended me to this head honcho at the world headquarters to do something in the executive dining room, which is so generous." "tiffany must be very pleased with your work." "yeah!" "is that hard for you to admit to yourself?" "no." "i mean... it is, but... and worse than that... when i was driving here today, i had this..." "feeling." "you're gonna think i'm insane." "well, i'm sure you already do." "it's just... i haven't had a real friend in so long, it's kinda scary to be hopeful." "don't even wanna say it out loud." "well...people who've been through trauma don't believe they're lovable." "you've been carrying that negative programming for a long time, so it's gonna take a while for you to really trust a new person." "i just wish i had more of a handle on what happened to me." "well, your alters know." "that's why the system was created to protect you." "so you could live through school, so you could go to college, so that you could meet and marry max and raise those amazing kids." "[laughing] i'm sorry my parts are so shy about coming out in here." "it's-- oh, we have lots of time, honey." "maybe... tara needs space to take it all in." "take all what in?" "well, look at you." "you're facing life head-on." "you've got satisfying work." "you've got a new friend." "you should be so proud of yourself!" "so is this, um... does this qualify as a breakthrough?" "you bet!" "well, smell me!" "[laughing] okay, then when you get going, you just drop this down." "(marshall) whoa, nelly!" "give it some gas." "yeah, there ya go!" "whoo!" "yeah!" "look at this!" "rock and roll!" "yeah!" "yeah!" "whoo!" "slow down." "[laughing] [buzzing]" "dad!" "dad!" "i had one in here." "motherfucker!" "(marshall) in my briefcase." "[marshall groaning]" "ah, fuck!" "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten." "okay." "all right." "(charmaine) whoo, my arms!" "(kate) i know!" "guys, we are doing so great!" "remember, anything of measure takes work, doesn't it?" "(dishwasher brother) fuck, yeah!" "also remember that whichever one of you does the most cars gets this very posh vita-self hoodie in addition to the cash i'm giving you." "(man) hey, are these yours?" "yeah." "is there a problem?" "we do vita-self here." "it's our mall." "it's everybody's mall, sudoku." "all right, it's your mall." "no problem." "it's all good." "get the fucking flyers." "sorry." "ah..." "i know, it-- ow. i think that's enough, mom." "okay." "[laughs] oh, god, you should rest up." "yeah, i'm just gonna watch brief encounter and cool my heels." "nice." "and mom, it was pretty fun until my throat closed up." "so don't chew dad a new one." "hey, i wish you would." "it'd make me feel better." "i don't have the energy." "yeah, you do." "he's allergic, and i lost my epi pen." "plus, you took him out of school." "oh, so you are mad." "of course i'm mad." "he could have been really hurt." "what were you thinking?" "i'm not the only one that's ever screwed up around here." "you wanna give me the laundry list?" "no, i don't." "you don't wanna remind me about the time t left the iron on and katie burned herself and got a bubble on her hand, and since she was still crawling it kept splitting open?" "will you knock it off?" "come on--i wanna hear all my offenses." "don't you have them meticulously listed on your computer?" "yeah, so you'll know everything, so we won't have secrets." "come on, you think i wanna tell you that stuff?" "okay." "i can't believe this-- 200 bucks' worth of flyers and a whole day's work down the drain." "you don't have to pay me, aunt charmaine." "oh, that's nice, sweetie." "[sighs] but i still have 600 worth of elixirs at home, and nobody wants to buy it." "do you know how many people are trying to unload this stuff on ebay?" "even at all the fake ebays." "i had no idea." "maybe we can talk to my manager... set something up at barnabeez." "really?" "sure." "i mean, isn't there some sort of vita-self slogan about making your own future but innovating your present?" "i'm just so blown away by the power of vita-self!" "[laughing]" "mom...can i skip school today?" "i'll get the homework." "okay. don't you have rehearsal after school?" "they don't need me." "if you like him, he must be a great guy." "and if he likes you, then he won't give a damn about the bee stings." "if you don't show up, you'll never know." "at least he does it in the shower." "my ex used to have his gentleman's time right next to me in bed." "oh!" "eww!" "i don't care what he says." "i just-- i'm never gonna believe that i know how to do it better than he does." "mm-hmm." "i mean, i know t doesn't feel that way, which is, i'm sure, part of her skank muffin appeal." "so how does it work, you know?" "do you guys have, like, rules about having sex with the alters?" "well, the first d.i.d. therapist said it should be my choice." "mm-hmm." "and i felt bad about putting max through so much, so i was like, knock yourself out." "which he did...with t." "until he realized she was stuck at 16." "and that kinda put a damper on things." "gotcha." "basically, we..." "mutually agreed." "it's...too messy if he fucks my alters." "well, you know..." "[laughs] when i blow roger, i pretend i'm n'ichelle from that fox show with the grainy streetwalkers?" "it's like the only way i can get through it." "honestly, i think you are a genius." "i really do." "yeah, but it--it's-- different, you know?" "when you're n'ichelle, you're still in the room." "i don't know where i am." "what is it, honey?" "what's wrong?" "[laughs] sorry, it's just-- no... max and i... haven't been very, um... connected." "well...i'm sorry, but i don't know how that's any different from any other couple who've been married for a while." "really?" "listen, i hate to disappoint you, but that is like the centrifugal forces of unsexy daily life plus biology." "you know, you name me one couple your age who has sex more than once a week who are not tv characters." "thank you." "and this is why we drink." "[snickers] mm." "(girl) hey, kate." "hey." "hello, kitty." "why do you always call me that?" "workers like nicknames." "we have solid data." "hey, so i have a line on an excellent product discount." "love that word." "hit me." "protein powder." "i mean, people love healthy shakes." "so we could tie it into some sort of...fit menu?" "we don't do that." "next time do your homework." "i'm sorry i left the iron on." "i'm sorry i don't remember leaving the iron on." "babe... it isn't just that i can't remember whole chunks of my childhood or almost killing our children." "and it doesn't only happen when the alters are out and doing stuff that i don't know about." "i've been fading in and out forever, max." "[sighs] until i quit the meds, i didn't even know how much i'd lost." "how much good stuff." "i remember i met you at a party, but that's it." "my head is so messed up, i literally have no memory of our first date." "honey...we got high a lot when we first started going out." "no, no, no." "the point is, i missed it." "i can't reminisce!" "with you." "i mean, how can you make a lifetime of memories with someone when the person you're spending it with isn't even there?" "what did we do?" "we made a casserole thing with a can of mushroom soup." "burned the shit out of it." "set off all the alarms." "well, i wanna make new memories, and i want our sex life back." "our sex life." "and if we never had one, then i wanna make one." "[laughs] oh, we had one." "why do you think you burned the shit out of the chicken?" "[overlapping chatter] great work, guys." "great work, everybody." "really looking good." "just great." "welcome." "welcome." "we're just about to get started." "oh, kimmy!" "kimmy'll catch you up on the blocking, okay?" "eww. what happened to your face?" "shut up, kimmy." "i had a bad bug encounter." "eesh!" "does that hurt?" "yes." "i mean...no." "you're so cute." "come on." "thank you." "[groaning] it's just complicated 'cause it's a national chain and everything." "oh, you're a sweetheart for trying." "oh!" "um...i gotta run." "bye." "sorry i'm late!" "we started without you." "excuse me, can i get one of, uh... whatever they're having?" "and some nachos?" "hi." "so... did you close that deal?" "yay!" "good girl!" "good girl!" "drinks are on you." "oh, good." "i'll have a sip of that." "a sip?" "oh!" "okay." "(kate) see ya." "see ya." "[coins jingle]" "i'll say one thing." "you're not the girl i thought you were." "no?" "putting it together." "supply, demand." "it wasn't the right idea, but... you know what you were thinking like?" "[whispering] junior manager." "some day, kitty." "some day soon." "do i get a raise?" "[chuckles]" "so the disassociation happens when you have a trigger, right?" "sorry." "thank you." "and is the trigger something that reminds you of, like, some bad thing that happened to you, or what?" "yeah, but like a lot of the triggers are just weird, like, uh, the smell of instant coffee or something." "i mean, i have no idea what that means." "and there were no alters before the event, but you just have no idea what happened?" "at boarding school, she had sex with a guy she didn't want to have sex with." "charmaine!" "what?" "everybody has their shit!" "besides, that's back when "no" meant give her another drink." "i mean, if i had a nickel for every guy i had drunk sex with when i didn't want to, well...tch." "i wouldn't be selling vita-fuckin'-self." "wait. so you're not buying any of this?" "look... i watch 20/20, okay?" "i believe that bad things happen that people can't remember." "but, i mean, how come whenever it's this d.i.d. thing, the abusers are always hooking up electrical boxes to the kids' genitals?" "[shouting] i mean, who has electrical boxes ready to go?" "you are screaming." "you are screaming." "can i get--can i get an electro-genital torturer at--hi." "at wal-mart?" "thank you." "can we have another one of those, please?" "thank you." "oh, my... i wanna meet one." "oh...tiffany, you don't." "no, i do." "i do!" "i'm not a dancing monkey." "oh, come on!" "hello, who's in there?" "come out and have a drink with us." "did i mention i was molested?" "i was." "[charmaine laughing] [sing-song] come out, come out, come out!" "[both murmuring into glasses]" "[grunts] did you have fun?" "no." "hmm." "good morning!" "i didn't-- no, no, no." "get out." "so tiffany thinks one of your alters broke into her place in the middle of the night." "i'm the only one who has her key." "okay." "um... i-if it's not a good time, i can just skip rehearsal." "no, no." "can i drop him?" "i'll be right back." "go!" "go. infiltrate." "thanks, mom." "[footsteps]" "(man) are you tara gregson?" "uh-huh." "what is it?" "a restraining order." "no shit!" "[groaning, moaning] ah...oh...ah!" "(maurio) gotta mean it, guys." "we've got homosexual souls to save!" "kevin, you look like you're waiting for the bus." "come on, let's go." "get moving!" "[marshall laughs] [loud moaning] [both laughing]" "i mean, what the fuck, okay?" "it's not just the restraining order." "i'm banned from selling vita-self products." "[laughs] god... you just ruin everything... don't you?" "find joy." "[laughs]" "self-satisfied bitch." "we never get to have any friends." "oh. thanks a lot." "you know what i mean." "early in the morning and late at night..." "no. no." "mm-mm." "two dead boys got up to fight." "back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other." "early in the morning and late at night, two dead boys got up to fight." "god bless max, katie, and marshy." "god bless charmie and tara." "got bless t." "[exhales] god bless buck." "god bless... [exhales] [both] two dead boys got up to fight." "i'm done." "come on." "you always go too fast." "[slowly] early in the morning and late at night... two dead boys got up to fight." "back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other." "early in the morning and late at night." "* happiness feels like this * * your heart upon your sleeve *" "* there's a place in time and space * * where we can all be free * * so meet me at the rainbow's end *" "* we don't even have to pretend * * that we know what it is we're looking for * * ooh * * life is just a dream * * ooh, woo-hoo * * lucky, lucky me *"