"Previously on "Huff"" "You know, I just said it." "I said I'm gay." "Good." "Dad called me a little son of a bitch." "I'm a psychiatrist who's tired of listening." "You're supposed to be thinking about... what I'm feeling here!" "Put the gun down right now!" "Hey!" "Oh, Huff." "Nothing empties a psychiatrist's office faster than a suicide." "I don't need any free legal services." "Maybe not today, but life is long." "You got to wake up and smell the pussy-puss." "Men are pigs, you got an inner pig, too, and that's ok." "I'm a musician." "I'm from Hungary, and I've written a symphony." "Huff is having a really hard time right now." "He needs our love." "Beth, I held him in my arms long before you did." "You are a good person." "Thank you." "I don't know if I can do what I do anymore." "I mean, here I am, I've lived at least half my life, and everything leading up to this just feels like nothing now." "What do you think I should do, little brother?" "Huff" "Hank Azaria  (as Dr. Craig "Huff" Huffstodt)" "Hey!" "Hank Azaria  (as Dr. Craig "Huff" Huffstodt)" "Paget Brewster  (as Beth Huffstodt)" "Anton Yelchin  (as Byrd Huffstodt)" "Andy Comeau  (as Teddy Huffstodt)" "Kimberly Brooks  (as Paula Dellahouse)" "Oh...wow..." "Kimberly Brooks  (as Paula Dellahouse)" "Blythe Danner  (as Izzy Huffstodt)" "Oh, my god, you are so beautiful." "Oliver Platt  (as Russell Tupper)" "I had no idea how beautiful you would be." "Who cares, man?" "You're supposed to be thinking about what I'm--what I'M... what I'm feeling here-- what I'm feeling here, you know?" "Oh, my god." "It just doesn't stop." "I'm afraid it'll stop." "Original Air Date :" "14-Nov-2004 Episode Title :" "Assault and Pepper" "He assaulted me first." "He couldn't have." "You weren't there!" "I was defending myself!" "From what?" "There was a Plexiglas window between the two of you." "You don't have to touch someone to assault them!" "So you threw a chair at him?" "I wanted my medication!" "You didn't have a prescription." "It was a refill." "I don't prescribe you refills, and you know that." "I go there all the time." "He whispers to the other pharmacists." "They all look at me like I'm crazy-- you know, like--like the "twilight zone"" "where all the doctors look like pigs." "I'm not crazy!" "Bullshit." "How'd she smash out the window?" "I thought they were bulletproof." " Bulletproof," " Yes." "Manic bipolar borderline proof, no." "Then tell it to those pigs!" "They wanted to put me in a straitjacket." "Ok." "Calm down." "Just relax, ok?" "All I wanted was some paxil." "You don't take paxil." "You take celexa." "We evaluated the neurochemistry of my aggression." "I don't have temporal lobe epilepsy." "If--if--if I was having a neurotic episode-- which I was not-- it should have presented with an explosive disorder." "I'm telling you, it's not working!" "Ok, you have to stay off the internet." "Besides, I saw it advertised on TV." "I like the way the girl looked who took it." "I bet no one looks at her and thinks she's out of her mind." "Well, she probably never took out a pharmacist with a computer terminal, either." "What the hell did you hope to accomplish with that?" "It got you here, didn't it?" "Yes, it did... but I'm not sure that's such a good thing." "Nice ride." "Gonna stay that way?" "Hey." "Back at you..." "sweet butt." "A liter of grey goose, two-pack of Marlboro reds... box." "How much?" "Hmm." "Now why you think I gotta be looking for cash?" "Because you have big, luscious boobies, and I'm a fatty." "Come on." "How much?" "You're a funny one." "How old are you?" "18." "Ho ho ho!" "I got id." "Not gonna be carding you, sweetie." "You are a girl, aren't you-- on the outside?" "On the inside, too." "Say it." "You don't care about me." "Now, why would I work with you for-- what is it-- 8 years now?" "Why would I do that if I didn't care about you?" "Because I have good insurance." "Ok, look." "I've always wanted to help you." "I've always thought that I really could help you, but we have to make some new rules here." "I like the rules." "Yeah, sure you do." "You're always changing them." "But the party's over, ok?" "New rules." "1:" "No calling me at home anymore, ok?" "2:" "No orchestrating assault and battery or any other scenario to get me to do what you want me to do." "And rule 3:" "If you break rule 1 or 2, I will consider myself fired by you." "You understand?" "You can't do that." "That's unethical." "Yes, I can, and no, it isn't." "You know, I can always sue you for malpractice." "You know, and I can always have you committed." "Your serve." "Ow!" "Fuck!" "Jesus." "Nice ring, you little bipolar whack." "Hey!" "Which one's the psychiatrist again?" "Melody!" "Melody!" "I'm not crazy!" "Melody!" "I'm not crazy!" "You know, we're right in front of a police station." "That's why I feel safe." "Do I know you?" "Not as well as I'd like you to." "I have a gun." "I don't." "Hey." "Hey, is it-- it's you." "Yeah." "Some lot of coincidence, no?" "What the hell are you doing here?" "And where were you last week?" "I waited for you for, like, half A..." "Are you following me?" "I was there--in jail." "No." "No." "I..." "I slept on the street by our meeting place because I didn't want to miss you, and I got arrested for, uh..." "I'm not sure." "I never heard the word before." "Well, I'm glad you're out of jail, but if you'll excuse me, it's pretty late." "Yeah." "I still need just a little, small bit of your help." " Oh, take a hike." " No, no, no, please." "One more time, mister, please." "I said, take a hike." "No, no, no." "Please." "No." "Thank you." "I waited." "You weren't there." "End of story." "You don't want to do it like this, believe me!" "Go home, Huff." "Put the car in drive and go." "This isn't who you are!" "This isn't who you have to be." "Aw, shit." "What do you mean, this isn't who I have to be?" "You always say the weirdest shit." "I've done nothing that I'm ashamed of." "But it's a been close, yes?" "Just make it quick, ok?" "Of course." "Um..." "I needed a room." "I had the pneumonia a few months ago and, um..." "I don't want to get sick again." "I--I'm sorry." "Don't apologize." "What--can I give you a ride to a shelter or something?" "You let me ride in your car?" "Sure." "Oh, I--I already try the shelter." "No vacancy." "But half-star hotel around here are very cheap-- only $35 a night." "Clean sheets, dry towel." "Ok, ok." "All right, here." "Get two nights." "And don't get sick again." "Thank you, mister." "Thank you." "Oh, um..." "I know this is, uh..." "Conflictive for you, yes?" "Well, yeah, frankly, it is." "Can you do me one more favor?" "What?" "Find comfort for yourself that you chose to help me." "Can you do that?" "Can I find comfort for myself that I chose to help you?" "Yeah." "Maybe little bit, yeah." "And don't you worry about that nasty cut." "It will heal, and in 20 or 10 years, you won't even think about it." "You know, I forgot all" "Ohh... whoo." "Oh, that makes me nuts, man." "Why does that make me so fucking nuts, baby?" "It's just my ear." "Slow, slow, slow, slow." "Slow." "Yep, you're a girl." "I told you so." "Mmm." "Treaty-treats." "Treats." "Careful, baby." "I want you hard." "Ok." "Real hard." "Ok." "Ok." "On your knees now, sweet pea." "Mmm." "No fucking around." "$200... no fucking around." "$200." "And, sweet pea... hmm?" "It's really extra fun for me... mm-hmm?" "If you smack my ass really fucking hard, ok?" "All right." "Last time she's ever gonna fuck with me," "I can guarantee you that." "What's that?" "Sleeping pill." "Oh, no." "You always snore when you take those." "I hate those." "Sweetie, I was attacked this evening at the police station." "I have an 8 A.M. Tomorrow." "I'm a little wound up." "I need to sleep." "Ok." "Well, maybe I should take one, and we'll both sleep through this together." "Look at that." "That's gonna fucking scar." "Look at this." "Every time I look in the mirror," "I'm gonna have to think about that freak show lunging at me." "I'm turning off the light." "You coming?" "Probably not tonight." " You like that, baby?" " Yes, I do." "Yeah?" "That make you hard?" " Yeah?" " Yeah?" " Yeah." " Oh, yeah." " Yeah?" " Hold on." "Popper coming." "Popper for poppy." " Yeah." "Mm-hmm." " Oh, fuck!" "No kissing." "No kissing." "Girl's gotta have boundaries." "But I will stick my finger up your ass." "Ok." " You like that?" " Oh, yeah." " You like that?" " Fuck, yeah." "You want me to put my finger up your ass?" "Dr. Craig Huffstodt, this is Chico Swanson." "I know you got my messages." "Doctor?" "Doctor, please respond." "Hello?" "Mom?" "Dad?" "Hello?" "I need to speak to you..." "You guys awake?" "There's some guy downstairs calling your name." "Are you inside?" "Hey!" "I'm not going anywhere." "There's a guy downstairs calling your name on a bullhorn." "Call me crazy, but I genuinely doubt he has good news." "Give me 5 minutes of your time." "Dr. Craig Huffstodt, this is Chico Swanson." "I don't believe this." "I know you got my messages." "Hey!" "You tell Melody the next time she pulls a stunt like this," "I'll have her arrested for disturbing the peace." "Now, get out of here!" "Look, I don't know any Melody, and Melody ain't suing you." "It's the family of that patient of yours who offed himself." "You know..." "the little faggot." "Jesus." "Get in here." "Get in here." "What are you, kidding me?" "Johnson vs. Huffstodt:" "A very important legal document for your reading pleasure." "You're served." "Oh, well, this is just fucking fantastic." "Wait." "Let me see that." "What did you do to your face there, my friend?" "I was attacked by a bat." " Ouch." " Yeah." "This is a letter of intent to sue, honey." "Wrongful death." "He killed himself in your office, right?" "Byrd, what are you doing with that?" "It's protection in case this guy does anything out of line." "Put it down, please." " Dad, I think" " I said, put it down!" "All right." "Why are you so mad at me, huh?" "Why are you so mad at me?" "I'm the one who died." "Because you didn't give me a chance to help you." "If you gave me 30 seconds," "I could have told you that suicide never works out like you think it will." "People just don't react the way you want them to." "What I wanted was out." "It had nothing to do with other people." "Well, it does for me, Sam." "You knew your parents were ass holes." "Now I'm stuck with them." ""Doris and Ralph Johnson hereby serve notice..."" ""in the death of Samuel Scott Johnson..."" " "seeking damages for loss sustained..." - "And injuries suffered."" "Huff?" "Huff?" "What?" "Let's just go back to bed." "There's nothing we can do about this right now." "Yeah, like I'm gonna sleep now." "I'm so glad I took a pill." "I'll rub your back." "Byrd, can you turn off the lights?" "I mean, do you even believe this?" "Fuck everyone, Beth, I swear to god." "Shh." "Melody and Sam's parents and Chico fucking Swanson." "Aah!" "Oh, was that too hard?" "No, no." "It feels good." "I'm sicking Russell on all their stupid asses." "Oh, good." "They won't know what the fuck hit 'em." "Fucking bullhorn." "That feels good." "Turn over." "Why?" "'Cause I want you to." "Why?" "Oh, honey... mm-hmm?" "I don't know if I can, uh... uh...ha ha!" "Uh, well, maybe I can." "Oh..." "Beth, darling, do you have any valencias?" "Mitzi bought me navels, and, oh!" "The juice is just appalling." "You know, it makes these glands back here just--aah!" "Scream." "Check the fruit bin." "Ok." "Morning." "Hey." "Thought you said you were going jogging." "I already did." "You're kidding." "And I took a shower and finished half of Tuesday's crossword." "Well, Tuesday's usually pretty easy." "Hey, listen, do you think I should cut my margin on this job?" "No." "Well, it's a big fund-raiser for the children's hospital, and it kind of seems to defeat the purpose if I mark up shrimp." "Never cut your margin, Beth." "And try not to write them a huge check, either." "They could really use the money, honey." "So could we." "That flaky little jean nate twit." "She got you the valencias." "What is that horrible gash?" "Have you two been fighting again?" "Ha ha ha!" "I was playing with mike a little too rough, and he jumped up, and he caught me in the face." "And we do not fight." "Well, we fight." "We just don't usually hit." "hmm." "Ah, youth." "Darling, you will ask Mitzi about the oranges, won't you?" "She's just out walking mike." "She'll be back in a minute." "You can ask her yourself." "Dad, I was doing some research on the internet on wrongful death." "Could life get more hideous?" "Relax, mother." "I'm talking to Russell today." "Good." "Make sure you make a list of questions." "You always ask the wrong ones." "Hey, did anybody notice these lumps on mike?" "They're probably just fatty cysts." "Probably?" "Mitzi, I" "Could you take him to Dr. Musatov today and have those checked out?" "Yeah." "I had a dog that had real dry skin." "They said it was seborrhea or something." "6 weeks later, he died." "Died?" "Mitzi" "His name was Ralph." "I really loved that dog." "Amitzi!" "I'm--I'm really sorry about your dog." "I really am, even though I'm sure it was years ago." "But we have more pressing matters at the moment than canine psoriasis." "Could you stop by and see me on your way out today?" "We have to talk about the orange situation." "Cover yourself, Huff." "She's not family." "What orange situation?" "Poor thing, she just keeps getting more and more confused." "She will ask you to get her the Valencia oranges." "Don't listen to her." "It's the navels that she really wants." "Oh, all right." "Ok." "You're going to hell, you know." "Dr. Huffstodt, this is Chico Swanson..." "Yeah, go fuck yourself, Chico." "Craig, this is Melody." "Oh, it's "Craig" now?" "I'm outraged that you left me to rot in that jail cell." "You absolutely have to make room for me today." "Call me as soon as you get this." " And you can't fire me..." " Karen?" "Because I didn't call your house once." "But I've been suicidal all night, and you know I have a gun." "You don't have a gun, Melody." "I also have double-edged razor blades, and I know how to slash my wrists the right way-- none of this across-the-wrist crap, but vertical, slicing the veins up and down." "That's a new one." "Doctor, this is Karen." "I'm sorry to leave this message on your voice mail." "But, uh, I just..." "this is so hard, but I just don't think I can, work for you anymore" " What?" " Work there, I mean." "You know, I'm still not sleeping well, and I'm sorry, but you know, I just can't get past..." "forget it, you know?" "All that blood." "I just have to quit, you know--resign." "You know, I'm just very sorry." "Shit." "So, where is he?" "I don't know, Dr. Huffstodt." "Look, he told me to be here at noon." "I have patients this afternoon." "Well, he's late a lot." "You should really talk to him about that." "It's another control issue he has." "Well, what did he tell you?" "He didn't tell me anything, because he won't answer his phone." "Well, did you try his cell?" "He always answers that." "I left word on his voice mail." "How long ago?" "Don't make yourself nuts about this." "He's always disappearing and... like sludge from a pond, he always surfaces." "Ok." "Well, can you tell him to call me as soon as possible?" "It's very important." "Yes, I will." " Thank you." " Ok." "Oh, and if you run into him first, tell him I can't save his ass on his 2:00, period." "Russell?" "Russ?" "Russell?" "Oh!" "Not again." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh!" "Jesus, your fingers are blue." "What the hell did you take this time?" "What did I take?" "I don't know." "Maybe I took some pot." "Ooh, she did tie me up tight, didn't she?" "Whoo." "Shit." "Is it Thursday?" "Yeah." " My head hurts." " No." "Really?" "Yeah, baby." "You realize you could have been killed, right?" "What happened to your face, bub?" "Patient attacked me." "Mmm." "And you're worried about me." "No, no." "You seem fine." "Is there glass on the floor?" "No." "Oh, good." "Goddamn the little harlotta." "This is a vintage bernini." "Didn't even wear the sassy fucker yet." "So, I suppose this one was just waiting in the car for you, huh?" "Oh, like that would ever happen." "You know, if you ever decide you might need a little help," "I happen to know some fantastic people." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, maybe you should give them a call." "I just got laid." "You're the one whose patient beat you up." "You call this just getting laid, huh?" "Huff, I had a marvelous evening with a lovely young lady, and we dozed off." "Now, there's a chance that little minx could have slipped something into my beverage, but we'll never really know now, will we?" "Gee, now what are you taking?" "What are you, a fucking cop?" "I'm taking some aspirin because I have an important 2:00 meeting." "What the fuck are you doing here anyway?" "It's a long story." "Aren't the all, pal?" "Aren't they all?" "Where's my television?" "What the fuck happened to my television?" "No one will show up for that, Lois, let alone write a check." "But animals are victims." "People are victims." "But what about all those poor animals sold for science research?" "Better their eyes blister than mine." "And the mink farms?" "Those precious little pelts raised for the sole purpose of being slaughtered." "They don't skin them alive like baby seals." "They euthanize them." "Trust me, they don't feel a thing." "A little too much heat, Margo." "Oh, fund-raising is such a chore." "Hey, why don't we call the girls and get together for a bridge game this week?" "What do you say?" "Ooh, fun." "Yeah." "Are you sure you don't want a facial?" "You really look haggard." "Thanks a lot." "Oh, come on." "You know what I mean." "You look tired." "You feeling all right?" "Yes, Izzy, I'm feeling fine." "Good, good, 'cause I worry about you." "I'm just checking up, you know." "Um...is Betty ok?" "Truth." "Truth." "Truth." "6 months to go, and she gets her 5-year cancer-free ribbon." "Sometimes I swear she's not my daughter." "I'd have been dead by now if I'd been through what she's been through." " And thank you for asking." " Mm-hmm." "All right, darling." "Aah!" "You are burning me!" "What on earth could possibly sound like that and be funny, hmm?" "No, I understand." "I just don't have my appointment book in front of me right now." "Shit." "Wh-what?" "You're breaking up." "What?" "No, I said Karen quit." "She wanted to spend more time with her family." "Yes, I'm interviewing assistants today." "In fact, I have to go." "Yeah, somebody will get back to you, I promise." "Ok." "Very good." "Hey, Paula." "Oh, thank you." "I know this is ridiculously short notice." "Assistants, as in plural-- more than 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5?" "That's not how I understood the situation." "Well, you wouldn't give me an answer on the phone." "That's right." "Um, that's a nasty scratch." "Yeah, the fun never stops here." "Please come in." "Thank god you're here." "Uh, Beth sends her best." "And Byrd boy?" "Oh, Byrd boy." "Byrd boy's 14 going on 40." "He's a little freaked out." "His voice just changed." "I think he was a lot happier when he thought he knew everything." "Mmm, who wasn't?" "And, uh, Teddy?" "He's not so good." "He's still at woodburne." "Have a seat." "I'm ok." "What happened to, uh, Sarah?" "Karen." "Whatever." "Why did she fly?" "Well, she was here, you know, when the boy shot himself, so... um, Huff, I assume the boy had a name." "Yeah, ok." "Sam." "She was here, and she's still not sleeping very well." "Mmm." "I can only imagine." "Oh, you know, I like your new carpet." "Yeah, it's green." "Huff, if I come back, it has to be different." "I will not be an assistant." "You have to pay me and call me as an office manager, because that's what I was, and that's what I'll be." "Paula, done." "Ok." "I'm not gonna be picking up your dry cleaning and running errands for you." "Excuse me, but I never asked you to do any of that." "You volunteered for that stuff." "I know, I know." "I'm just unvolunteering, ok?" "We just gonna keep it business, keep it professional, 'cause I've changed." "Good, good." "Ok, well, I also need 4 weeks of vacation with pay-- not including Easter, Christmas, Martin Luther king's birthday, veterans day, and all those other holidays people get-- but I want you to include Kwanzaa and passover." "Ok, a very enthusiastic yes to everything except for the 4 weeks, Paula." "I can't run a business like that." "Come on, two weeks." " 3." " Not consecutive." "Fine." "Oh!" "Huff?" "What?" "Jesus is telling me that something dark happened here." "Jesus is--is" "Yes." "Not evil...but dark... and it happened here-- right here." "Yeah." "That's, uh, that's... shh, shh, shh." "Ooh, Jesus, sweet Jesus, we come to you, Jesus, with the power of your blood." "And, Jesus, we ask that you cleanse this office, sweet Jesus." "Cleanse this man, Jesus." "Please fill him with the love, the courage and strength that he needs, Jesus." "We ask, Jesus, that you hold precious Sam in your bosom, Jesus." "And we just say thank you." "Thank you, Jesus." "So, when you want me to start?" "Tomorrow." "Fine." "Paula." "Mm-hmm?" "You know that you can't-- you can't talk like that in front of the patients, right?" "Oh, yeah." "I mean, you the only one playing god in here." " That's right." " Ok." "Oh, one more thing." "You tell your little friend Russell I'm not taking his shit." "Ok." "I'm serious, Huff." "If he spoon-feeds me one ounce of his fuckin' bullshit," "I'm out of here." "All right." "It's good to see your mouth hasn't changed." "I'm working on that, but my mind is clean-- which is more than I can say for that ass hole friend of yours." "I'll see you at 8:00." "Thank you, Paula." "Did you know an aspirin can cost up to 10 bucks at the hospital?" "And they need money?" "Yeah, well, the party's for the oncology center." "And, yes, they do." "What have I ever done to her?" "That's all I want to know." "Who?" "Mitzi--miss Mitzi." "Do you know what play Lincoln was watching when he got shot?" "I know that." ""Our country cousin."" "Thank you." "So, I'm gonna be in the den working." "Somebody give me a call when dinner's ready." "It's my turn to clean up, right?" "Yeah." "Darling, I know you pay her salary, but I pay for her dental work and her car insurance, and once I even paid for her utility bill so they wouldn't turn out the lights-- all because of some bizarre deathbed promise to her mother." "I don't know." "What did it get me?" "Ha ha!" "Nothing." "Who?" "Mitzi." "Doesn't anyone listen around here?" "Wow!" "Did you know that 3 days before Lincoln got shot, he had a premonition death dream?" "Thank god none of my dreams ever came true." "I'm gonna go upstairs, all right?" "Mm-hmm." "Darling, hurry up with dinner." "I'm losing weight as we speak." "Ha ha ha!" "That's not all you're losing." "So, I take this to mean you don't want to see me anymore." "Don't turn this around on me just because it's your letter opener." "I will stab myself right here, right now." "No, I believe you." "I believed you every time you said it." "You also just broke rule number 3-- which, according to our agreement, means you just fired me." "What?" "Orchestrating scenarios to manipulate me into doing what you want me to do." "I'm really sorry." "I'm just not gonna leap across there and grab that out of your hands, ok?" "I really hope you don't stab yourself for a variety of reasons." "But, you know, if that's the action you wish to take, you're free to take it." "In the meantime, I want you to call Dr. Anne Brunner, ok?" "She's expecting your call." "And I'll take that, and that's for you." "You're pawning me off on someone else?" "I'm referring you, Melody." "You don't honor the boundaries I've established, and I'm partially responsible for that." "Don't think of this as a punishment, ok?" "Think of this as the next step in your treatment." "I sincerely hope that someday you're able to see that I want nothing but the best for you." "You will regret this." "Oh, Dr. Huffstodt." "Yeah." "Hi." "I'm Everett Wayne." "I'm an investigator with the licensing medical board." "You're shitting me." "Great." "It's routine for psychiatrists whenever anyone brings a malpractice suit." "Malpractice?" "Ha!" "Good-bye, Melody." "Would you step in here?" "Who'd he get rid of this time?" "Uh, excuse me." "Where are you going?" "He terminated me." "I'm going in there, and you can't stop me." "Oh, yeah?" "Watch!" "Watch, watch, watch." "Get your hands off me!" "This is assault!" "Ok, then, how can I help you?" "I'd like to see a copy of Sam Johnson's file." " Johnson?" " Yeah, Johnson." "How many Sams you have that have killed themselves?" "No, no, it's just, uh..." "You have a problem with the board reviewing the file?" "No, no, no, of course not." "Um, it's outside." "Would you excuse me one second?" "Sure." "Are you ok?" "Fuckin' loon-ass bitch!" "Shh." "Things were not this crazy before." "Can you get Russell on the phone for me right away, please?" "Daniel did not go back in the lion's den for-- just call him right away, please." "Isn't this a little bit out of the ordinary?" "Don't you people usually just drop something in the mail?" "You people?" "Russell on two!" "Thank you!" "Excuse me." "Uh, hey, I'm sorry to bother you at work, but I have a gentleman here from the medical board, and he wants me to release a patient's file for review." "Is he right there in front of you?" "He's standing right here." "Well, then, you've gotta give him the fuckin' file, don't you?" "Not the original." "Make a copy." "Get a receipt." "And act as if I'm not screaming!" "Because if you call your lawyer and don't cooperate with these people, they will fry your ass on that!" "Right." "That's what I thought, too." "Ok, now, give him a reassuring look." "Tell him to call me if he has any questions, because you're in session all afternoon, and you're hard to reach." "Why?" "Because you're successful, know what you're doing, and help people!" "Absolutely." "Uh, Paula!" "Uh, that's what I thought." "I just, uh, wanted to check with you." "Ok, thanks a lot." "Paula, would you make a copy of Sam Johnson's file and give it to Mr. Wayne to take with him, please?" "He's a putz." "Yeah, but this thing gets fucked up, I could lose my license." "No shit." "Oh, god, you're concerned." "You're never concerned." "If you're concerned, I'm screwed." "Will you relax?" "You're not gonna lose your license." "I called a friend of a friend who happens to be on the medical board, convinced him to see us first thing in the morning." "Tomorrow morning?" "Mm-hmm." "How can you prepare by then?" "No, how can they prepare by then?" "Cuts both ways, you know." "You see how thick this fuckin' file is?" "I never should have given them that stupid thing." "No, you actually did exactly the right thing." "The longer we wait, the greater chance this thing has of crawling its way up to the opposite trial counsel." "Trial counsel?" "Mm-hmm." "That's why I pushed it till tomorrow morning." "It's just a hearing-- no dog and pony show in court." "Just you and me and Nellie Wayne." "Everett Wayne." "All right, let me know what time tomorrow, ok?" "Where you goin', man?" "Didn't you want to split some crab cakes or something?" "No." "I gotta go." "Just please promise me to get a good night's sleep tonight, ok?" "Huff, relax." "I always do, night before a show, ok?" "Ok." "You go home and relax." "Take a nice steam bath." "Rub one out." "Somebody stole my TV." "And I need a spankin'." "What if I died tomorrow?" "You're not that lucky." "I'm serious." "Happens every day." "People leave the house with every intention of returning home, but they don't make it." "They collide with an oil tanker on the 405 or have a heart attack at the bank." "To the bank." "I knew you were going to say that." "Listen to them." "They sound like coyotes after a kill." "They're playing bridge." "I wouldn't be so sure about that." "Good night, honey." "Good night." "Seriously, what if I died tomorrow?" "Well, I suppose it could happen." "So, do you want one last piece of ass for the road?" "You know what would suck?" "A cerebral hemorrhage." "Uh-huh." "Aneurysms, they'll just, they'll drop you-- ha ha!" "Ok!" "Ok, ok, ok." "Let me just pee." "Ok, all right, I'll close the door." "Russell?" "In here, bud." "They just called us in." "Solid." "Well, you said you were gonna take a leak." "You've been in here for, like, 10 minutes." "What the hell are you doing?" "Going over the file." "You're just reading the file now?" "Buddy, look, um, there's no toilet paper in here." "You mind if I use a couple of pages?" "It's just a copy, right?" "What?" "I'm kidding." "I'm not gonna wipe my butt with the poor kid's file." "Ha ha ha!" "Come on." "Important thing is, you're entertained." "Well, you're very entertaining." "So, how's this all gonna go again?" "See those two girlie-girls in there?" "No." "You want to know something funny?" "Whenever somebody checks me out when I'm taking a leak," "I start to get a chubby." "Does that make me weird?" "I don't believe this." "Tits up, buddy." "Tits up." "Here we go." "Good morning, gentlemen." "Good morning." "Good morning, your honor." "Not an honor." "I told you, we're not in court." "Oh, sorry, ma'am." "Mrs. Delmont will be fine." "Suicide, right?" "Yes, pending med/mal suit." "This is fairly routine." "Mr. Wayne will ask the questions, and then I'll determine if any further action is needed." "Shall we?" "Dr. Huffstodt, how long had Sam Johnson been a patient of yours?" "About a year and a half." "I think that information's in the file that we provided you with." "And what was your diagnosis of Mr. Johnson?" "Major depressive disorder." "That would also be in the file." "And why did you not file form 522-a?" "What's that?" "The law requires that whenever there is incidence of sexual abuse, form 522-a be completed and reported to social services." "It's that." "And why does the law clearly state that?" "To protect innocent children who can't protect themselves." "And yet you blatantly ignored it." "Why did you break the law?" "I didn't ignore anything, Mr. Wayne." "The form wasn't applicable in this case." "You didn't complete the form." "You broke the law." "It's as simple as that." "Feel free to jump in any time here." "As a licensed practitioner, Dr. Huffstodt, your duties are the same as anyone else in a position of trust." "Mr. Wayne does have a valid point." "look, the alleged sexual abuse took place 8 years ago-- a full 6 years before I started seeing Sam as a patient." "It wasn't even ongoing." "I mean, legally this is a nonissue, isn't it?" "But he still told you about it." "Yes, he told me about it." "And you didn't complete the form." "No, I didn't complete the form." "You're unbelievable, you know that?" "Let's just back up a second here and look at all the facts." "Mr. Wayne, I assume that you've studied the file." "Of course." "What medications did Dr. Huffstodt prescribe the patient as referenced on page 5 of the file?" "Effexor and wellbutrin, I think." "Yes, yes, I see it, Mr. Tupper." "It's--it's right here, page 5." "What--what is-- what's your point?" "Ok, you just bear with me a second." "How effective was this medication and what actions, if any, did Dr. Huffstodt take as a result?" "Page 7." "There you go, right there." ""Patient's affect showed considerable improvement."" "Dr. Huffstodt actually didn't have to make any adjustments at all, because the patient was well on his way to becoming stable for the first time in months." " Of course." " Of course." "Now, on may 2, 2002, patient shared about the death of his dog." "Mr. Wayne, how did this event affect Sam?" "How did he process that?" "Page 12." "Here." "May I?" "Can I?" ""Patient... patient was devastated."" "Abut one week later, when Dr. Huffstodt asked his patient how he was doing with the loss of said dog, patient said, "what dog?" "I don't have a dog."" "He lied, Mr. Wayne." "One week he said his mother was a pediatrician and always with patients." "When Dr. Huffstodt contacted her to participate in her son's therapeutic work, he learned she wasn't a pediatrician at all." "But this doesn't matter." "The law states-- oh, it matters a great deal, Mr. Wayne, because chances are very good that the allegations of sexual abuse were a lie, too." "And I'm glad you mentioned the law." "Let's look at the law so that Dr. Huffstodt and I can go about our day." "The law clearly states any allegation of sexual abuse only be reported when surrounded by indicia of truthfulness-- to which I'd say in this case there's considerable doubt, given that the poor lad is practically delusional," "and not just about his mom and the doggy." "Uh, no, no, that is absurd." "Well, it may be, but it all boils down to one important question." "Is there anything-- anything at all-- in Sam Johnson's file that indicates to you that his allegations of sexual abuse were clearly truthful in a way that separates them from all of his other misleading representations?" "Yes or no." "Mr. Wayne?" "No." "Well, then, we're finished here." "I think so, too." "Dr. Huffstodt, the board apologizes to you for any unnecessary burden it has caused you." "I'm sure this has been a very stressful time for you." "You have no idea." "Everett..." "I'd like to see you in my office." "Sam never had a dog." "I know." "And he never told me what his mother did, and I never contacted her about anything." "I know that, too." "It was a bluff." " A bluff?" " Yeah." "What?" "Are you out of your fuckin' mind?" "Shh." "Don't fuckin' shush me." "This is my life." "How dare you do that?" "How dare you lie about the character of a patient of mine like that?" "Because it is my job to make this horse shit go away, not campaign for sainthood for some poor kid who killed himself." "Ok, try and understand this, ok?" "I happened to care a lot about that kid." "He had a very hard life." "I already feel bad enough that I couldn't help him, let alone dragging his name through the mud like that in a public forum." "Buddy, if you feel the need to forgive yourself for some way that you think you might have failed him, that's your business." "Frankly, I do not give a shit what I said about him in there." "I give a shit about you." "And while I respect the fact that you cared about him, it is ultimately utterly irrelevant to me as someone who is trying to save your ass." "You lied in there, Russell." "I won in there is what I did." "They're probably going over the goddamn file right now." "No, we got the file." "Well, no problem, then." "No wonder your life is a fuckin' mess." "Ok, now, careful there." "Steady." "You don't want to say something you can't take back." "And you know me." "I don't forget stuff." "Now, listen to me." "Anybody could tell after 30 seconds that that tit had barely skimmed the file." "Now, just to make sure, I gave him a quiz, which he failed miserably." "He wanted to take your license away, buddy, and I didn't want to let that happen, so I took a calculated risk." "Believe it or not, in lawyer land, bluff-wise..." "wasn't even that sexy." "You want to worry about something?" "Want to get all worked up about something?" "Worry about the real, live court case we've got coming up, where people actually do testify under oath." "There is no way in hell that I could pull the kind of bullshit that I got away with in there on your behalf." "I'm going to have a cocktail." "Russell... by myself." "How are you, Dr. Huffstodt?" "Oh, every day's a gift." "Yes, it is." "I'm afraid he's had a tough one today." "The paranoid delusions are rearing their ugly heads again." "Hmm." "How long?" "All last night and most of today." "He's finally quieted down, but we can't get him to sleep, and we don't want to medicate him any more." "No, of course." "Just let me know if you need anything." "I'll be right outside in the hall." " Ok, thank you." " Sure." " Bro." " Hey, bud." "How you doin' there?" "Oh, they've been after me all day, Craig." "Yeah, I know." "Nurse Redlich told me." "Really?" "I wonder who told her?" "Not me." "I hardly tell anybody about them-- especially the nice ones or the quiet ones." "It's the loud ones." "Make me want to jump out the window." "Told me I could fly." "Well, it's a good thing nurse Redlich's got your seat belt on, then, huh?" "I'm so tired." "I know." "Maybe if you asked them to go away so you can get some sleep... they can always come back tomorrow." "Tried that." "They like assaulting me when I'm not looking." "They laugh afterwards." "They don't want me to sleep." "I just can't imagine what that's like, Ted." "It's not fun." "Yeah, I'm sure it isn't." "Well, I've been attacked by a bunch of people myself this week." "Of course, my people and voices are real." "I think." "You're a better man than I am." "You don't fight back." "You just lay there and take it." "That's how you win, you know?" "You hold on." "You know, I was having lunch at this outdoor cafe this week, and I saw this couple looking with disgust at something out on the sidewalk." "And I looked over, and I saw this grounded pigeon under one of the chairs, and I realized he must have smacked right into the cafe window." "Poor thing never saw it coming, you know?" "It just...bang." "Took him down." "Then a few days later," "I saw these seagulls-- dozens of them-- just way up there, just gliding around in this big old friendly family group." "And at one point they all turned in unison, and they shimmered like little silver coins;" "little flying coins." "Then they dipped, and they turned, and they coasted into this little cluster, and they all shimmered again." "And then they spread out in this really long line, and they shimmered again, and I thought, "god, who are they following?"" ""I mean, there's obviously some logical order going on here,"" ""but where the heck's it coming from?"" "And then I thought," ""man, each one of these birds is gonna smack right into their own window one day."" ""But, you know, at least they're not looking for it today."" "Free as a bird." "Do you think I'm crazy, Ted?" "Teddy?"