"John Boy are you sleeping?" "Shut up, Mary Ellen, and let me jerk off!" "This is the year 2004." "Captain´s log 911." "The economic power of developed countries continues unabated." "But something is lost." "Values and morals." "The world is in disarray and the television is the mirror of this madness." "Millions of people waiting patiently in front of the telly or in traffic jams." "Television presents funny euthanasia and the hunting of meter maids." "Are ya havin fun?" "You´d better go and beat up some illegal immigrants." "Instead you´re sitting here on your lazy ass." "Oh yes, the world is in disarray." "I don´t feel well." "And I do not mean my gallstones." "Or that they put me here on the corridor." "I'm used to that with my health insurance company." "But now the´ve gone too far." "[Insurance Contract] This is way too expensive!" "We agreed that you are out of the hospital four days after the surgery." "But I still feel this strange chirping." "Chirp." "Aw, crap." "You are a filthy malingerer." "I'll be back." "Did I hear chirping?" "My company is leading in that field." "I´ll leave you a few free samples." "What´s the name of your insurance company?" "Montebauer Leben." "Oh this is very bad." "Give me back the samples." "The man has anomalous changes in the lower uterine functions on the left tremisphere of the gallbladder." "He needs to stay for at least seven weeks." "You must be joking!" "He has to get out of here!" "Impossible." "Maybe we can meet in the middle?" "Doctor what is this chirping?" "The chirp is consistent with our EEG." "You need to stay here for a while." "What about 2.000?" "Ok." "You will leave tomorrow!" "But about the chirping?" "Hello." "You again?" "Last time they messed up." "Why should it be any different now?" "Always expect the worst." "Oh he´ll make it." "I´ll give you 18 for 10." "Death sitting at his bed." "Give me 19." "Surgeon is Dr. Kinzer." "Is there any space left in the morgue?" "Well." " May I sit down with you?" " Please." " Yes, how are you?" " Except for this chirping." " Ah, you will be fine." " I will be released tomorrow already." "So everything will be allright." "Having you care about me, that's really the best that happened to me here." "But you have to be careful." "See your neighbour here." "He was completely unprepared and now he has to settle for a very unfavorable coffin." "Excuse me?" "Look at our brochure..." "With very comfortable and reasonably priced models." "Tonight´s movie: "Stiff Neck"." "And now for a new episode of our soap opera." "Blind viewers, please sense the parchment at the bottom of the screen." "Deaf viewers..." "You are watching "Terror Comedy"." "With Susanne Voss" "Ralf Gottesleben" "Anna Simon" "Elke Welzel" "Ute Henschel and Armin Fasanifa as Carlos." "You set the breakfast table in a very anti-fascist style." "I like that." "Shut up." "I´m sick of your neofeminist behaviour." "Who used my toothbrush tumbler?" "Do it again and I´ll shoot you." " Nothing like a good breakfast." " If I made it." "Chris, have you finished?" " Oooh Brigitte." "Not again!" " Yes!" " Horny pigs." " And so darn hetero." "[Whatever you can imagine - it happens behind this door.]" "Sanne, have you made the inquiries, or not?" "Yes." "But I think I stood out." " Why, did you wear your orange dress?" " I wore what I´m wearing now." "What did you find out?" "Von Strahl visits the sex shop every afternoon." "We could get him in his office, but he´s rarely there." "About time." "Someone has to clean up." "It´s the 27th of the month and still no kill." " Who is there?" " Carlos." "What are you doing here again?" "I bring the certificates of training camp." "Silke, Inge, Brigitte, Susanne." "Please come." "Your performances were mediocre." "But yours, Chris was a disaster, except for the domestic courses." "Carlos do you have a moment?" " There is something I want to show you." " Why not." " Where does it hurt?" " Down there, doctor." " Deeper." " You need my big fat syringe." "So we just blow up the whole 15 miles." "Then we get em all." "We could kidnap him." "You didn´t give Schleyer a moment´s rest." "He was really glad when we shot him." "We could wait for a convention and get near him with a knife hidden in flowers." " Has all been done before." " Asshole." "Will the assault succeed?" "Will Brigitte ever be sexually satisfied?" "Will Silke ever receive a response to the love letter she wrote to Brigitte Bardot?" "Will Christoph ever use the new Palmolive?" "All this and much more in the next episode of "Terror Comedy"." "[Help] It is 21:15 on the first Wednesday of the month." "Time for HELP with your host Horst Krenk." "Thank you and good evening ladies and gentlemen." "Before we meet our candidates, I have to make a sad announcement." "For Gabi Becker, the winner of our last show died of a heart attack." "It was finally too much for her." "When Sandoz chemicals polluted the river Rhein... her two children drank the water, believing it was raspberry lemonade." "They fell into the water." "Their father jumped after them but he dissolved into nothing." "How about that?" "But now it is time for our new candidates." "Please welcome Maria Geisenkersting and Karlheinz Kropinski." "Good evening." "Mrs Geisenkersting bend over by grief and wearing an adorable dull outfit." "We guess that a serious stroke of fate changed your life." "My son has always been interested in aviation." "So he went to the airshow at Rammstein." "To speed things up a bit." "You all know what terrible tragedy happened there." "A splendid summerday... thousands of excited people thrilled by the breathtaking acrobatic action of the pilots." "And suddenly a fireball." "Blood-soaked earth." "Burned bodies." "Inferno!" "Please continue, Mrs. Geisenkersting." "My son died there." "Her beloved son burned beyond recognition." "The dentist had to identify him by his denture." "Ironically, he always wanted to be cremated." "But time is running away and so let´s meet Mr. Grobinski." "Your fate is also closely associated with airplanes." "Just let me mention your hometown:" "Remscheid." "I just stepped out of the house and suddenly I hear a loud WUMM." "I turn around and all that is left of my house is rubble and ash." "But you didn´t live in the house, you only owned it." "Right." "I´ve been there only because of those darn students living there." "Your mother however lived in the house and was in her apartment on that day." "Exactly, I just brought her there and now this." "Haven´t seen neither my mother nor the money from the ministry of defence." "How should I pay my new Mercedes, you tell me!" "So who will be the champion of todays HELP?" "You decide." "First we hear our candidates separately." "Mrs. Geisenkersting." "He-help." "Mr. Grobinski." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help..." "Stop." "And now you have ten seconds before the audience decides." "Your pity counts." "Help." "Here´s the result." "We have a new champion:" "Karlheinz Grobinski." "We will cover all your funeral fees." "Really great I'm glad now, really." "Let me send greetings to my bowling friends and my tax accountant." "If something terrible happens in your life again, maybe you can come back." "Dear viewers, if you want to participate, send us a postcard." "Until then, I remain, yours faithfully Horst Krenk." "[Danger Seeker - everything you see is true, nothing staged]" "My dear friends this is your Danger Seeker." "Today with some special action." "Down here at the public toilet." "We want to make a little beer test." "And now here..." "Danger Seeker here again with our little beer test." " What´s your name?" " (Incomprehensible)" "Whatever." "Just take the first one, whichever you want." "I just spillt a beer, nevermind." "Have a sip." "I like your nose." "And the first impression?" "Nevermind, let´s try the next." "Let us see whether you can recognize a brand." "What´s the brand?" "I like your dressing style." "Never mind, we put it back again to take the next one." "Waitaminute." " You recognize?" " I think." "That´s a nice jacket." "Couldn´t get one in your size?" "[Private Detective Teschlik]" "One of these days that promised nothing good." "Head full of jetplanes." "And a noise that would wake up Barschel." "The door was open, so I've just started." "Didn´t expect him, and certainly not so punctual." "Damn craftsmen." "I decided to get out of here." "No money, no clients." "Barely had enough for the necessities of life." "[Brothel] Had to get out of here." "Had to get out of my life." "The most important thing for a private eye is having contacts." "20 minutes later and the day could come." "Thank you, no need anymore." "Mr. Teschlik?" "The worker told me where to find you." "I have a case." "Do you have time?" "For blondes, I always have time." "How about you?" "Do you know a nice place where we can talk?" " Sure." " Good." "She was one of these bitches in heat, wanting only one thing." "But I kept her on a leach and took the job." "Something about some guy... presumably her husband, who disappeared a week ago." "She gave me an old holiday picture." "How about an advance payment?" "200 enough?" " Make that 300." " Good." "My card." "I will hear from you." "So I went back." "[Brothel]" "Next please." "Mona was the hottest ass in town and there is no man who didn´t screw her." "A social event for the male population and a gold mine for a detective." "She owed me since I found her g-spot." "This Udo Leidig must´ve been with her." "I will find out." "Mona have you seen this guy before?" "Take a good look." "Never seen him." "A friend of yours?" "If he had ever been in this town, then he screwed her." "Obviously she lied to me." "But why?" "This was a hot lead." "Mona had something to do with him and would lead me directly to him." "Almost too easy." "Had I known what dark forces were pulling the strings I would have gone to the Salvation Army." "Good evening." "Our Top Story:" "The Chancellor after his prostate surgery." "I'm doing very well." "Our first report." "Disarmament, environmental protection, against the Syrian annexation of Kazakhstan... against mass unemployment, against xenophobia, for a peaceful Christmas." "Today you really protested for and against everything at once." "We weren´t sure what would attract the media, so we didn´t take any risks." "After all we have responsibilities towards our sponsor." "You have a sponsor?" "We were able to win a major arms company as a sponsor." "Thank you very much." "Senate passed a bill which allows the abortion of a child up to the age of nine." "We will now show you pictures from Colombia which are so cruel that the editorial staff still can´t believe their luck." "Good evening ladies and gentlemen at home in Germany." "The situation in Colombia... and especially here in Bogota gets more threatening and complicated from day to day." "Last week ten members of the government died by the hand of the drug cartel." "Including three chiefs of police who declared war on drugs." "This is the new chief of police Eduardo Gonzales." "You are one of the strictest opponents of the drug mafia." "Will you take drastic measures?" "Si." "Your wife, your children, many members of your family have been killed by the drug mafia." "Are you sad?" "Si." "Your bodyguards even follow you to the toilet." "Are you afraid?" "No." "So you continue to remain confident." "Si." "Thank you." "The new chief of police from Colombia Eduardo Gonzales." "In an exclusive and refreshingly open interview." "In the coming weeks we will..." "In the coming weeks we will watch the new chief of police cope with the situation." "One of his first tasks will be to investigate the tragic death of his predecessor Eduardo Gonzales." "But until then back to Germany." "This is Frank Fiesdreck, Bogota." "No news yet on who will be the next chief of police." "Disaster stroke in Bangladesh." "Large parts of the country have been devastated by a storm flood." "We don´t have any pictures yet so our special effects department reconstructed the incident." "Premier Hafid Alnun of Somewhere-Down-There arrived in the capital today." "Peter Hirseburger spoke to the guest who is known for his unconventional conversation style." "More than your countries total gross." "You still have personal slaves?" "You mean contract workers." "how much money do you take of your swiss bank account?" "Research revealed that there are two different types of wankers with strong visual disposition." "One group watches porn for quick satisfaction." "The other group pauses the masturbation to watch the dialogue of the porn." "The first group is classified as far more intelligent than the second." "More scientific news." "Good afternoon." "As you know the world is no longer a safe oasis." "Crime and sin lurking everywhere." "Especially here at this place." "These two young and brave scientists are researching a severe case." "Good luck." "Two weeks later." "Did you examine the evidence?" "To what result?" "Not everyone will like the results." "But they are unambiguous." "Our chemical and radiological investigations have revealed... that this meat is clearly around 2000 years old." "So we strongly advise from consuming." "Shocking news my dear viewers." "The Christian Communion is a case for the health authority." "Back into the studio." "Just in time for the holiday season air traffic controllers in Mallorca began their warning strikes." "They demand higher wages." "2000 people already died on the airfields." "Another 1000 in mortal danger." "Charterlines acted promptly and announced discounts for the upcoming season." "Today began the National Garden Festival." "As in every year, there were flowers and flowers and flowers." "At the Festival correspondent Werner Plum." "These hanging tulips look like the tits of our canteen aid." "I once gave this flower to my wife." "She told me that this won´t get me sex." "She really meant it, so I had to give her another 200." "A Garden Festival with something for everyone." "The new video of the band Death-Rap sparked some controversy because of scenes of extreme brutality." "We condemn the video in the strongest terms." "Then again we can not hide it from you and will show it in full length." "Now it is time for our little quiz." "Name the wall that divided the world into two halves and fell in 1989?" "My garden wall in Osnabruck." "That´s correct and there goes the jackpot." "Please stop calling." "You have another chance tomorrow." "Now our correspondent in Alterding." "I want to introduce Mr. Salm." "Mr. Salm is no less than 138 years old." "Mr. Salm, please explain how you got that old, how did you live, what did you eat?" "Pork brains and bovine liver." "That raises the question whether it was worth it." "And now sports with Benno Haystack." "Chess." "Russian grandmaster Anatolian Yevtushanko played blindfolded simultaneously against 10 challengers." "He had difficulties with the field conditions and lost every game." "Scandal at the international race in Ertenschwiek." "Starter Gerd Esser deliberately shot at the runners." "Several runners died at the spot." "Esser is kept under psychiatric supervision in the umpire room." "So far, he kept saying "I am a Russian agent"." "One armed arm wrestling for the lonely." "Kurt Wünsch is the challenger of this european championship." "He puts down his arm, places it in a 90 degree angle, puts it down, then up again." "He does this very well." "However what it means I do not know!" "He is now ready for the fight." "Left arm goes up." "Right arm follows." "He chooses the onion tactic." "Left hand seems to work out a slight advantage." "Right hand with a clear training residue, just as in the last year." "After the 1985 contest in Rio, the so-called "bloody war of Rio"... even experts thoughts that he had to amputate his right arm." "But the right is back." "Initial difficulties seem overcome." "The left now under pressure, was not able to preserve its power." "But now the left changes its grip, from onion into thumbtwister." "The legendary thumbtwister!" "Left now the upper hand, goes for a fast victory and makes it!" "Left has done it again." "Yet however great the victory, there is always the feeling of defeat." "And this just in from soccer." "Team Dortmund and team Bayern Munchen parted with an even score of 1:1." "Dortmund Manager Reiner Haftig said "we really needed those two points"." "Weather." "What´s the forecast for tomorrow, Harry?" "Yes, unfortunately I have not finished eating my plate... which means there will be rain tomorrow." "That's it for today." "If you or I don´t die, we´ll see each other again tomorrow." "Good night." "Oh shit." "And who will clean that up?" "No no no, I did not kill him." "But if I had done it then I'd have tortured and tormented him... barbecued him in the sauna, dismembered him and fed the pieces to my dog." "Your Honor, do you really want to sentence this man to death?" "Where is the justice?" "Where is the mercy?" "Where is the spirit of freedom?" "Where is the Dow Jones Index?" "Where are my bank statements?" "What the hell are you talking about?" "Objection your Honor." "Granted." "Let´s have a look at the evidence." "First the glass with poisoned milk that we found in the apartment." "On the day of the murder the accused bought these three brutal weapons:" "A telephone, a pot of roses and a piano book." "Utter nonsense." "Your Honor, I try to uncover the ruthless character of the accused." "Please let me continue." "Objection." "Objection." "Objection... granted." "Dr. Kobalski will now give his expertise on the murder weapon." "It is an extremely sensitive Smith  Wesson." "The jury will now have time to counsel." " We have come to no result yet." " Let us continue." "This is his last straw..." "[Guilty]" "Anyone can be the guilty one." "He who is without guilt shall stand up." "Anyone can be guilty." "You!" "Where were you at november 8th 1989?" " I don´t know." " There you have it." "And he doesn´t have to be the only offender." "Where are his accomplices?" "Where have you been?" "Skiing." "Ha, skiing in the middle of november." "Ridiculous." "No snow anywhere!" "Young Lady, have you been a sad teenager?" "No, I'm always happy." "I rest my case." "Latent sex offender." "Isn´t this about murder during a burglary?" "You." "You." "You." "And you." "No further questions." "Good evening, thank you." "And welcome to your favourite show "A Shot In the Heart"." "These are our candidates and please welcome Gabi from Wuppertal." "Gabi, tell us a little about yourself." "You are a dental assistant." "Is this your dream job?" "I´d rather be in the movies." "But I mean, perhaps that´s still to come." "I'm still young." "But you surely have fun pulling some teeth?" "Not just teeth." "If that ain´t a reason to change your dentist." "Gabi, what do you want to ask our candidates?" "Candidate no 1." "I want to go to the cinema." "You want to go to the theater." "Would you decide to consider my wish?" "Neither." "I would take you to my flat, get out my dick and then I´d fuck you three ways to sunday." "How about you, no 2?" "I´d go with you to the cinema, but a porn cinema." "You would play with my nuts, and then we´d do a real horny liveshow on stage." "And candidate no 3?" "Listen, you´d better forget about this bullshit." "I´ll get us a porn video and then we´ll do the good old in-out till I cum all over you." "That was a slippery first round." "I'm excited to hear your next questions, Gabi." "Oh what a year, what a life, such stupidity!" "And candidate no 3?" "I would tie your mother to the bed, then she could look at what she has missed in her youth." "And if the still nags..." "I don´t give a damn." "I´d say "piss off" and if she´s gone I'll rip your clothes off." "Then you bend over and I fuck you in the ass over and over and over again." "Till we´re in paradise." "Snappy answers." "Now it´s up to Gabi to choose a candidate." "I'll take them all." "And those sure were great candidates." "One extra round of applause please." "Have a nice evening." "This is Danger Seeker." "Looking for new adventures." "Let´s test the safety system of a typical German department store." "I start with this awesome vacuum cleaner..." "Can you hear me?" "Seems to work." "No problem so far." "No one says anything." "Everyone´s sleeping." "Not used to theft." "Too bad for the company." "But very good for us." "Take the exit... nobody stopped us!" "That´s a nice new vacuum cleaner for us." "Let´s try that again." "Next try." "That´s a nice pot, not too big." "Heading for the exit." "Incredible." "We´ll get a whole new furnishing." "Take the exit." "There we are." "New pot." "Nice." "We´ll just take the next thing." "Bags." "What´s next?" "Suitcase... why not?" "Got a new suitcase, two handbags, let´s go." "When I leave, I leave a little of me behind." "Welcome to our show "Suicide in Front of the Camera"." "We´re here at this beautiful place to accompany Franz Hufschmid on his last journey." "Franz what led you to your decision?" "First my wife left me, then I lost my job." "Finally I found out that I got aids." "Of course from a transfusion, there was no other possibility." "Well if that ain´t a reason." "Franz you know what you owe to the viewers." "Yes... but there are so many beautiful things in the world." "Oh no. pollution, oceans full of waste, skincancer." "If you jump into the river you won´t have to worry about drowning, you will dissolve in the toxic waste." "Just go on." "I´m not so sure anymore..." "Dear viewers, Franz committed suicide." "And I want to send special greetings to his mother." "Now back to the studio." "These four men wear a pacemaker." "All have been implanted exactly 5 years ago." "There is only one difference." "Everyone uses a different battery." "Only one of them has our legendary Pax-Ultra battery." "Only he can be sure to live the day of the batterychange." "Pax-Ultra, for a longer tomorrow." ""Sausage-Max"" " The best address." "Another stranded life." "Ingrid Loffelfeld." "After years of alcoholism, she decided to end her life." "Her parents abused her for amateur pornos, which we will show you after this programme." "Bullied in school, then the needle." "It was no good life." "Where is the fire?" " I am burning" " No problem for my hose." "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, now for the latest episode of "Jimmy´s Peanutbutterfarm"." "If the ratings will be so low again, the series will be doomed for death." "So please stay tuned, STAY TUNED." ""Jimmy´s Peanutbutterfarm" Episode 5348" " We have to tell him." " Yes." " But we can´t tell him." " No." " But I love you." " I love you too." "Damn I´m thirsty." "I´ll have one as well." "News about the McAllister affair?" "Sheriff Durnside watches him day and night." "Only one mistake and he's gone." "Who?" "Durnside or McAllister?" "McAllister, of course." "Stupid cow." "Don´t you talk like this to your stepmother." "Fine stepmother, younger than me." "My brother has always been a dirty old man." "Dr. Welby said thou shalt not drink so much." "If I had only gone with Sigger." "Those damned peanuts." "Only for them your brother became famous." "That´s the only reason he got into the white house." "Those were the times." "Did I ever tell you about Camp David?" "I open the fridge and what do you think did I see?" "Three glasses of..." "McAllister peanutbutter." "And gone was the Secretary of the Interior." "After all I was the president." "Marilyn, let´s go." "I had my cellular therapy today." "Well." "As expected." "We didn´t make it?" "Fuck, we really didn´t make it." "The ratings showed only four million viewers." "Not enough for prime time tv." "Not enough to survive." "You wrote the crap and we have to suffer." "You´re in the same boat now." "I was so good!" "Could I have another sip..." "Fire!" "Danger Seeker here." "The Minister of Culture talked some bull about the prize and I will now enter the stage." "Good evening." "The prize has to be for me, where is the check?" "Let me express my deepest gratitude." "The check will bounce." "Thank you." "No big surprise, I just knew I would win." "Where is Hape Kerkeling?" "No Hape Kerkeling." "Where is the check, the award?" "Don´t have much time." "We spoke about it on the phone." "After all I paid a lot to win this prize." "We wrote a script "Pakistan" " Ethnic Meltingpotty"." "A depressing drama about Tibetan stinkmice." "Where is the check?" "Kinda badly organized." "Different from Cannes and Venice." "Another broken friendship." "Economic adviser." "Today we ask "how to get filthy rich?"." "Let´s assume you´re a low life employee, who will never earn more than 2000 net." "Nevertheless, you want to be a millionaire." "If you don´t own a house - squat a house!" "Never ever pay rent." "Sell all valuables, sell sell sell." "Clothing you steal from the red cross." "Before you go to work, do a paper route." "In your spare time, illicit work." "No more social life, save on christmas presents." "Don´t turn on the light." "No need for it, since you sold all books." "No dishwashing, lick the plates clean." "Eat at your relatives or directly out of the trashcan." "Only wash at other people´s and use their toothbrush." "Never heat, that´s for sissies." "Toilet paper you get everywhere, and while we talk about it:" "Stealing is an important part of this program." "Be it friends or shops, stealing is enormously profitable because of the low fixed costs." "Don´t forget our motto:" "never repay debts." "Of course you don´t pay bustickets." "You might sell one of your organs." "Then and only then you can achieve your goal." "To get filthy rich!" "Good evening ladies and gentlemen." "The shooting star of the Gladbeck hostage drama caught, convicted and now here with us." "Please welcome Dieter Dosner." "[We surrender you]" "Please have a seat." "Last week your colleague Gerd Rigowski was on prison leave and we´ve been there with him." "Let´s have a look." "This is a robbery." "Give me the money!" "You want to count?" "Come here." "Faster." "You too." "Hurry, move, fuck!" " How do you feel?" " Well this surely is a drastic experience." "Fuck, where is the bus?" "Get outta there." "Get in!" "[Pedestrian zone]" "Where the fuck are we?" "Shut the fuck up!" "Did you get this?" "Could we do this again?" "Fuckin-A!" "I kill em all." " Now you have to stop for I am the last one." " Good point." "You didn´t have much luck yourself last week." "37 dead bystanders after you lost control over your machinegun." "Another day, another game." "You can´t win em all." "Here´s an old friend of yours." "Secretary of the Interior Norbert Moor." "Thank you." "I don´t want to spoil your joy, but you really fucked that thing up." "Oh well." "Among the 65 schoolchildren were 30 Turks and 10 Albanian." "You have to see the larger picture." "The bombing of the bus was ok, but to let all the gangsters escape." "You must be kidding." "So what?" "Are you thinking about resignation." "I´d say that would be too harsh." "A friend, a dear friend." "I got myself into pretty deep shit." "[Danger Seeker - everything you see is true, nothing staged]" "Sad news, my friends." "The Danger Seeker is dead." "We found out he was a russian spy and had him executed." "But even more sad news:" "we are here at the premiere of a typical German motion picture." "Everyone knows what to expect from that." "Karsten Lorenz, the producer." "You are rumored to put 20% of the budget into your own pocket." "That´s not true." "It´s all on the screen." " So you are the extras." " I am an actor." "Have there been real actors in this film?" "How about the director´s gambling problem." "They say half the budget was lost in MonteCarlo." "There was a bit left for set design and a few nice stunts." "But I´m not really into the financial things." " What´s your name again?" " Sebastian Rudolf." "The leading role." " Is it true that you were out on parole, while playing the part?" " Boa ey!" " Is that what drivers of a Manta car say?" " Boa ey!" " So you say by playing the role you committed another crime?" " Boa ey!" " The face of the German film." " He wasn´t even in it." "Now for an interesting man." "You played in the band Trio?" "Once upon a time, yes." " Is this film the end of your career?" " If the film will bomb, it´s the end." "They say you wanted 300,000 for the part." "No. 280,000." "My lawyer and tax accountant said 300 would be too much, because of strange tax regulations." "So I went down to 280." "Paid by national film funding." "Yes, I was in Berlin and spoke to the senate and everything was fine." "Have a close look." "You will never see this man again." "Celebration with all the actors and stars, and German Fried Movie right in the middle." "We´re on the stage now." "Director Peter Timm." "Are you happy with the film?" "Of course, yes." " Rumor has is, that half of the budget was gambled away." " Bullshit." "Don´t you think it´s unbelievable that 1.2 millions were spent on a project like this?" "Why should I think it unbelievable when it´s true?" "Yes, that's the unbelievable part." " I just realize how small I really am." "This is the producer Mr. Huth." " Not now." " 1.2 million flushed down the toilet." " Not now." "You've heard it, we are a nuisance." "The 1.2 million sure were no nuisance." "Katja Brennicke." "How did you get the part?" "I'm too excited to talk about this now." "Better now than through the yellow press." "It is rumored you´re having an affair with Peter Timm." "That is so not true." "That is a very bad rumor." "I was discovered for the film when the producers saw me playing keyboard on stage." "Where was that?" "I was discovered when the producers saw me on stage as a keyboard player." "This is Katja Brennicke, the lead actress." "We´re glad we got her on camera." "My concrete mixer is heavily rotating." "Switch the channel!" "My cement is nearly finished." "[Election campaign advertising] This is an ad for the Christian Social Choir Party." "Dear voters, forgive me for I have sinned." "I was ambitious and self-centered." "I betrayed my competitors and lied to my party." "I have wasted tax monies." "Saddam Hussein's Swiss account was registered on my name." "We sold nuclear reactors to Cuba to make a profit." "I was bribed by the automobile lobby." "I ask for forgiveness." "I promise I will change." "Vote for me!" "This was an election ad for the Party of Gnomes." "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the front." "Welcome to our funny war show." "The world is watching us." "170 million people sitting in front of their TVs, cheering with us:" "WAR IS VICTORY!" "Here we go." "These are our money-craving contestants and our lovely assistant Bitchy." "The first question." "These three men fought in Iraq." "Only one has survived the war." "Which of these men came back alive?" " The left." " The right." " I´ll take the right as well." "No, unfortunately, you´re all wrong." "It was the small guy in the middle." "No points in this round, but maybe in the next." "Until then some consumer informations." "The Patriot for your livingroom." "If Poland or your neighbors or some other ass annoys you." "Fully automatic, easy to clean and simple to use." "With remote control for remote ignition." "Patriot now only 95.98 including launching platform." "As you all know, Syria annexed Kazakhstan and already we are all fighting again." "It is my pleasure to welcome three wives of three German soldiers fighting over there." "Please give a patriotic applause." "Your applaus, Ladies." "And we have a disposable-songwriter with a special song for you." "Here is the disposable-songwriter." "Always on the road in a distant land." "Our footprints in the hot white sand." "Endless space, blazing stones." "Only the sun and us that´s the adventure." "Far away from home." "Wind and hot dust." "The night that awakes in the desert." "Thousands of stars over us." "We are there, when the desert awakes." "You're a winner so you had the choice." "Now you're on the move." "Tough men, cold steel." "Every war is a victory." "True male friendship holding us together." "Millions of eyes watching you." "The world is ours." "You are a hero of the nation, soon on television." "Time is money and now you know the meaning of disposable-songwriter." "Now for the next question." "How many children does this woman have?" " One child" " Two children." " I say the same." "You´re all wrong again." "Maria Schmidt is infertile and can not receive any child." "Please come over here." "First let me say that it´s wonderful to have you here with us while your men are so far away and in grave danger." "So now we have a special surprise for you." "Damascus in flames!" "This is madness." "And we´re here in the middle." "The bombs glancing in the sky like christmas trees." "I wish you were here to witness this incredible adventure." "This is madness." "Pure madness." "Oh burning flame, oh heavenly might!" "Whatever they do, I stay the whole night." "As you may have noticed that was not our little surprise." "That was our correspondent from Damascus." "But till we can show the clip, let me give away the surprise." "We have managed to get videomessages from your husbands." "And now we are ready to show them." "We should never have started this war." "Allah is great but the Syrian leader is even greater." "Hello Gerta, I won´t be home for dinner." "Otto, my move is:" "Bishop moves to d3." "It suddenly became dead silent in the studio." "No wonder, for these men have been... captured and are used as human shields at strategic targets in Damascus." "They don´t stand a chance!" "But now you have another chance to win." "See this white handkerchief." "When I say GO you try to capture it." "The prize is a nice cruise for two." "Ready." "GO!" " I got it." " Commercials!" "Imagine you are a Jew." "The public has again conspired against you." "You are hunted like an animal and have to flee." "You try to salvage as much as you can." "Back in the days you only had your pushcart, maybe a backpack, or nothing at all." "These times are over." "Now you can have the American Exzess Card or for the small earner the American Exzess Card Light." "Wherever you are, be it China, the Kongo or the next town, you will be creditworthy and happily tolerated." "American Exzess." "We develop the future." "Congratulations." "Let me ask, whom will you take on the journey?" "Ah, nevermind." "Bitchy, please bring the consolation prizes for the losers." "Thank you for being here, Ladies, and remember:" "You´ll get over it." "Now for the last question." "Hoy many German companies have illegally supplied arms to warzones and... how many millions did they pay to bribe German politicians and officials?" "17 companies and 5 million?" "65 companies and 15 million?" "Or 113 companies, 37 mil. and 73 free flights?" "I say 17 and 5." "I say 65 and 15." "I say the same." "Too bad that we have only morons for candidates these days." "Not one correct answer." "Nobody wins, but as always, as a consolation prize, you´ll get 20 minutes with Bitchy backstage." "So no one wins the 700 cans of tuna in tomatosauce, which are close to their expiration date." "But maybe next time." "You stay tuned." "After the break we´ll have new contestants and new exciting questions." "Remember:" "WAR IS VICTORY!" "Finally I found Udo Leidig and we became good friends." " You´ve been punk´d!" " Excuse me?" "This is the year 2004." "The world is in disarray." "Only one thing can save the world." "Powerglue by Scherg Chemicals." "[Cast]" "This is Dr. Berger, sponsored by the new Fuck." "Our first caller." "Gerda, what is your problem?" "You can´t kneel in front of your husband and give him a blowjob." "Is it because of his hygiene?" "That would be really disgusting." "Oh, you don´t have any legs..." "[Crew]" "The ninja scene and the language course scene fell out of the luggage rack on the highway after we finished shooting the end credits." "[All characters are fictitious." "Those who feel personally insulted or attacked, did not understand the film]" "* Subtitles by Wynorskifan * * for Cinemageddon *"