"There are ballads that are sad" "About a lassie and a lad" "There are songs about our heroes and their glories" "But I'd like to have you hear" "About a girl so sweet and dear" "So listen to my sentimental story" "My cousin, Agnes Klung, left home when she was young" "I'll tell you how it happened Let me think" "She was cute and pretty too Her eyes were oh, so blue" "But a single cocktail made poor Agnes wink" "It's not funny as you think when a gal has got to wink" "Every time she has a little drink or two" "One day she got a jug and she drank it all, ga-lug" "And she said good-bye and left us in a stew-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo" "Well, she got to the city She was just a little giddy" "She asked a fella how to get around" "She said "Don't think that I am fresh but can you tell me an address" "Where I can go 'cause I don't know my way in town"" "Now the feller was a gent He knew just what Agnes meant" "That is until he saw her start to wink" "And then he believed and knew exactly what a guy should do" "So he suggested that they both should have a drink" "Well, he took her by the hand and then Agnes said, "Ooh, this is grand" ""But, mister, I'm afraid you made a big mistake" ""If you'll just be kind enough I'd like to stop this silly stuff" "Liberties you're not allowed to take"" "Now the feller didn't know about her winking' eye and so" "He couldn't figure out what was the score" "So he took her out to eat and to a show right down the street" "And he asked her if she'd care for something more" "Agnes said, "I think you're swell but will you find me a hotel" ""Where I can go and not be bothered by the men" ""I'm a long, long way from home and I wanna be alone" "But perhaps I'll see you sometime soon again"" "Now our Agnes wasn't dumb but back home where she came from" "She never learned the value of her wink" "In the city she got wise Learned to use her winking' eyes" "Now our Agnes does her drinkin'" "In a mink" "Imagine a kid from the Kentucky hills doing that to the cream of cafe's society." "Who's her agent?" "I am." "I know talent when I see it." "Only good act you brought me." "You haven't seen anything yet." "Wait 'til you see what I've got for you tonight." "Now look here, I don't..." "Don't worry about a thing." "Don't worry about a thing." "Just a minute, friends." "Just a minute." "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a special attraction we present for your amazement..." "Just because he's your agent doesn't mean he can bring any broken down act into this place." "Oh, give him a chance." "He has to get work for his clients... in order to pay me the money he borrows to feed them." "In the annals of the theater, we've had many great escape artists." "You've heard of the Great Houdini, Great Bronson, the Great Herman." "Now comes the Great Wilbert!" "Professor, a chord, please." "And now the Great Wilbert will perform his greatest escape." "Music, maestro." "Now, if some kind person from the audience will step on the stage... and chain him up, anyone at all?" "Aw, come on, anyone?" "Don't be bashful." "Step right up on the stage." " You know, it's a honor to work with the Great Wilbert." "There's the one..." "Pardon me, uh..." "Wilbert, Wilbert?" "Hey, come on." "None of that." "Outside please, girls." "Now, will some kind person please step up?" "Anyone?" "How about you gentlemen?" "Do you think I can do this?" "Just remember what I taught you." "I'll slip you the master key." "Keep it in your mouth." "When I pull the drapes, open the locks and escape." "Come right up here." "There you are, boys." "Now, tie him." "Tie him up as tight as you can." "That's the spirit." "That's it." "That's it, boys." "The Great Wilbert will get out!" "I promise you he will." "That's the spirit, boys." "That's the way the Wilbert works,: the Great Wilbert." "Yes." "Make it tight." "Make it tight." "Well, well." "We finally found some gentlemen who really know their business." "Oh, 38?" "Hmm." "Look at him!" "Take it!" "Ooh, you!" "Now, now..." "Hey, hey!" "Go ahead, complete tying him." "Would you..." "I'll kill both of'em." "Oh, watch your blood pressure." "You got him?" "There we are." "Let him get out of that." "I..." "Here's the key." "Open your mouth." "Open up!" "Good luck, boy." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Wilbert, in a matter of a few seconds, will shed his bonds like a snake sheds its skin." "A drum roll, maestro." "And here we have..." "Here we have..." "Fooled ya that time, didn't I?" "Well, uh, can't make a trick look too easy." "Now, in, uh, a matter of minutes, the Great Wilbert will perform his greatest escape.!" "And here we have..." "the Great Wilbert." "He's still there." "I'll tell ya what." "We'll have a little contest." "Look at your watches." "The one that can guess how long it'll take the Great Wilbert to get loose, will be a guest of the house;" "now look at your watches." "Guest of the house?" "I'll make those guy's guests of the hospital." "Get out and sing." "In the hills ofTennessee lives a family named McGee" "They've really got a problem on their mind" "For their daughter, Mary-Ann just can't find herself a man" "She ain't even been nobody's valentine" "Theyjust can't figure out why some feller roundabout" "Ain't asking'Mary-Ann to be his wife" " Oooh!" " She'll soon be lookin' old" "And she'll likely be an old maid all her life" "Oh, why don't someone marry Mary-Ann" "No gal can shoot a rifle like she can" "And what fills her with dismay" " She'll be 12 this Groundhog Day" " Oh, why won't someone marry Mary-Ann" "Whoa-Whoa.!" "And there he is!" "There he is." "A mouse!" "A mouse!" "A mouse!" "A mouse?" "Where?" "Where?" "I'll blow his brains out!" "This is the last time you bring an act in here!" "You've ruined my show." "Say, where did you learn that yell?" "Oh, the yell." "Oh, the yell." "My grandpappy." "He taught me to yell like that every time I get in trouble." "I thought you looked familiar." "You must be a McCoy." "That's our clan yell." "Well, take your clan and yell outside!" "You're through yelling here too." "I'm sorry I got you fired." "Furthermore though, I really don't belong to the McCoy clan." "My name is Wilbert Smith." "Wait a minute." "Suppose he was a McCoy?" "If his grandpa is who I think he is, he may be worth millions." "Millions?" "Yes." "Millions." "I'm your agent;" "I get ten percent." "Ten percent of millions." "Uh-uh." "Excuse me." "I mean, after all, who did you sign a contract with?" "Wilbert Smith." "Hiya, stranger." "Shake hands with a McCoy." "Hey!" "Just don't raise your hand..." "Hey!" "That's my grandpappy on the bottom." "Well, that's Squeeze Box McCoy." "Why, he's even playing his concertina." "Looks like I found myself a new cousin." "Uh..." "Ohhh." "I was never cousins before with a beautiful girl like this." "How do you figure he's coming into a million dollars?" "Well, except for me, Squeeze Box is the only member of the clan who left the hills." "Oh, no." "There must be some mistake." "All my grandpappy ever left me was a fur cap and a concertina." "That's all." "No money." "Then why all the excitement?" "Well, somewhere in the hills of Kentucky, there's a buried treasure." "And my Great Granny McCoy said that it would only be discovered... when a Squeeze Box McCoy returned." "Now, if Wilbert went back with this picture..." "And this concertina and fur cap." "Hey." "Then they would think he's the real McCoy." "With all that evidence, Granny might give you the secret." "I forgot to tell you one thing." "Grandpappy also left me this old gun." "No!" "It's apt to go off." "Oh, no, it ain't loaded." "Look." "Ah, will you stop that!" "Why don't you look where you're going?" "Why do I have to walk through the wilderness?" "Why don't they have roads?" "Now, stop complaining." "Dorothy's taking a short cut." "Go pick up the grips." "Pick up the grips!" "You know, I've never been in the country before." "Ah, smell that Kentucky bluegrass." "If grass smells like this, no wonder it's blue." "Oh, Kentucky." "Kentucky: where they raise the fastest horses in the world." "There must be something in the air that makes those horses run." "There's something in this air that would make anybody run." "The birth place of Stephen Foster." "His songs will live forever." "I'm a-comin'" "And I'm a-going" "Uh-Uh, wait a minute." "I'm comin'" "For my head is bending low" "Uh-huh." "You smell it?" "No, I don't smell anything." "Then your head ain't bending low enough." "I..." "Wait a minute." "Hey, there's something wrong with that grip." "Open it up!" "What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "Hey, that fur cap, did that have legs?" "What?" "No." "Wait a minute." "It has now." "I don't understand." "Whoa!" "Whoa-Whoa-whoo.!" "Don't yell like that again." "This is Winfield territory." "Winfield?" "Yes, you see, your grandpappy shot his first Winfield to revenge a McCoy killing." "Well, that started the feud." "One killing led to another until..." "Well, look." "What's that?" "That's the Winfield burying ground." "We have to pass through that to reach McCoy territory." "Yes, ma'am." "See ya later." "Wha..." "Come here." "Come here." "I don..." "I just..." "Come on, come on!" "If these guys are all dead, why don't they lay down?" "They're only wooden." "That's an old custom here in the hills." "Yeah?" "Wood." "You'd like to scare the wits right out of me." "That's Jake Winfield." ""Killed in 1882 by Squeeze Box McCoy. "" "You-You mean to tell me that Squeeze Box McCoy knocked off all these others?" "That's right." "No-No-No wonder they had it in for my grandpappy." "And if they ever found out that a relative of Squeeze Box McCoy's is back, the whole feud might start all over again." "Well, in case anyone's listening, I'm Al Stewart, I'm not a McCoy!" "I'm Al Stewart, I'm not a McCoy.!" "I'm Wilbert Smith!" "You look like a McCoy.!" "That did it." "Get away." "Don't hold me." "Go get your grip." "Oh." "Go ahead!" "That real?" "Sure." "Yee!" "From here on in, it's McCoy territory." "You mean, we'ns is home?" "That's right, Cousin." "McCoy territory." "I'd like to see a Winfield put foot in here." "I'd..." "Whoa!" "Hi, you all." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Howdy, folks." "Well, what do you know, it's Cousin Dorothy." "Doggone, look at them store-bought clothes." "What brings ya back, Cousin?" "What are ya here for, Dorothy?" "I came to see Granny." "Where is she?" "Where do you think she'd be, plowing' the field?" "Not when there's a county fair goin' on." "Howdy, child." "Gee, it's good to see you." "I brought you back a surprise." "Wilbert?" "Wilbert." "Come here." "I want you to meet your kinfolks." "Howdy." "Hey, you a soldier?" "Yup." "What do you hear about the war situation?" "Last I hear it," "Grant had Lee tied up at Richmond." "How come I didn't read about that in the newspapers?" "Oh, Wilbert!" "Granny, I found him in New York." "You found that?" "He's not a husband, Granny." "He's a cousin of ours." "He's the grandson of Squeeze Box McCoy." "Squeeze Box McCoy." "Hallelujah!" "My prayers is answered." "He don't look like what I prayed for." "I guess if you ask the Lord for lean meat and get fat, a person should be satisfied." "Oh, he's a real McCoy, all right." "I saw the evidence." "I'm his friend, Al Stewart." "Uh, Wilbert, show your granny the picture." "That's Squeeze Box all right." "Tarnation." "Wait 'til the Winfields get the word." "The county fair'll shine like Fourth ofJuly." "County fair, and the Fourth ofJuly, all together?" "Boy, and what fun!" "And what blood running all over the fairgrounds." "Clem, Luke." "Shut up!" "If you're scared, go back home." "Hold on a minute, Granny." "Thought I was head of this here clan." "You were, but a Squeeze Box is back." "Hmm." "Don't look like no Squeeze Box to me." "Do he, Cousins?" "Well, he don't to me." "Must a been the last of the litter." "Why, neighbors, you see before you a born leader." "And to prove to you that he is what he claims he is, here's his grandpappy's concertina." "Gimme that!" "That's his squeeze box all right." "That's him for sure." "Listen, you'ns, you hear me tell that if a Squeeze Box McCoy ever come back to these hills, the treasure'd be found." "Well, your Cousin Wilbert's worth his weight in gold." "So make sure nothin' happens to him." "Are you McCoys to be took in... by a couple of..." "city slickers?" "Supposin' Dorothy was blabbing' off her mouth in some of them saloons she's been a-singin' in." "Mightin' ya find an old picture and a squeeze box... and come here to fool an old woman." "Nobody calls me an old woman, and nobody fools me." "Now I didn't mean to rile ya, Granny, but I still say let 'em "betest" it." "That's "fahr"." "If he's a real McCoy, let him prove it." "He can do that at the turkey-shoot today." "A real kin of Squeeze Box... will outshoot the best of the McCoys or the Winfields." "And if he can't shoot at all, the Winfields'll laugh us right out of the fairgrounds." "Your shoot, Cousin." "You just..." "Hey, Al, how-how do you work one of these here?" "You pull the trigger." "That's him." "The little fat feller." "Been hearing' that a Squeeze Box is back." "Thar he is." "You mean he's a kin of Squeeze Box McCoy?" "I'm Wilbert." "Wilbert?" "Ha!" "A critter with a name like that ain't worth starting' a feud over." "But if you's aiming' to get fractious..." "Look here, Devil Dan, for 60 years we've been soft-walkin' McCoys, now our feet don't hurt no more." "And if you'n make one move, we'ns will tromp all over ya!" "We'ns is gonna meet at that turkey-shoot and decide things." "And don't you forget to bring your shootin' iron," "Wi-i-i-ilbert!" "I "knowed" no Winfield'd pay respect to a name like "Wilbert. "" "Then we'll christen him after his grandpappy and call him Squeeze Box." "You're right, Granny." "Let's have us a christening'." "Appears to me, he's a little big for a christening'." "Well, they christen battleships and they're big." "Calem, you do the christening'." "Take off your hats." "Bow your head, Wilbert." "I now christen thee Squeeze Box McCoy." "He sure is "purty," ain't he?" "On the outskirts of our town lived a gal named Sadie Brown" "They say she's makin' money by the peck" "For the simple country maid landed on the Hit Parade" "In a manner that we never did expect" "Unlike any of her kin she grew whiskers on her chin" "And her sideburns caused the neighbors to remark" "Through no effort ofher own soon her beard became full-grown" "Now they've got her on display in Central Park" "They call her Sagebrush Sadie The famous bearded lady" "Her whiskers brought her riches and renown" "They're the pride of the museum and it costs two-bits to see 'em" "And the family's gettin' rich on Sadie Brown" "She started runnin' 'round with a barber in the town" "And the fellow seemed to have an awful crush" "But it's easy to explain why she drove the man insane" "For Sadie had the skin you love to brush" "Her barber friend proposed just as everyone's supposed" "But the way he did it made her kind of vexed" "He'd been married twice before and the thing that made her sore" "Was when he rode up to her gate and hollered "Next"" "She consented with a smile and he led her down the aisle" "In the chapel where the mornin' glories bloom" "But poor ol' Parson Trout couldn't get it figured out" "So he shook hands with the bride and kissed the groom" "They call her Sagebrush Sadie The famous bearded lady" "She's happy that she's wed and settled down" "For her little baby daughter" "Has a moustache like an otter" "She's the image of her mother, Sadie Brown" "You broke your promise Oh, yes, you broke your promise" "And now I'm all alone and blue I'm so alone without you" "You said you loved me Oh, yes, you said you loved me" "And not a word you said was true What did I do" " You promised you'd be mine forever" "I didn't know you heard it And we would never never, ever part" "It must've been my brother" "But you broke your promise Oh, yes, you broke your promise" "And that is how you broke my heart" "My darling, don't dispair There's still another chorus" "I wish I had a nickel every time that she was fickle" "There's no mirror on his shelf He's so mean he hates himself" "Promise you'll be mine forever" "And we will never never, ever part" "Nothin' left for me to say Come on, Wilbert, start to play" "You broke your promise Oh, yes, you broke your promise" "And now I'm all alone and blue 2-3-4-5-6-7-8" "You said you loved me Oh, yes, you said you loved me" " And not a word you said was true, 7-6-5-4-3-2" "You promised you'd be mine forever and ever and ever" "And we would never ever part" "But you broke your promise Oh, yes, you broke your promise" "And that is how you broke my heart" "Yes, that is how you broke That is how you" "That is how you That is how you" "That is how you broke" "My heart My heart" "Thanks for the songs, Miss McCoy." "I didn't expect to see the Manhattan Hillbilly so far from Tin Pan Alley." "Tin Pan Alley?" "That's no hillbilly talk." "You must be a "fereigner. "" "I was born here, my folks moved north." "But where music is concerned, I'm still a hillbilly." "I'm down here trying to find some real mountain music that hasn't been commercialized." "The name is Winfield." "Clark Winfield." "A Winfield directing a McCoy?" "Well, sure now, ma'am." "You don't cotton to that there feuding' nonsense, do ya?" "I don't if you don't, partner?" "Even if I did, I'd make an exception to you." "Any exception to seeing the fair?" "Let's go." "Get your hot roasted peanuts, carmels, crackerjacks, cigars..." "What'll you have?" "Oh, lemonade, please." "Make it two." "How 'bout a hot dog?" "No, I don't want a hot dog." "These hot dogs are different." "Everybody sells 'em with a pickle in the middle." "Now, what happens?" "You eat 'em, you get mustard all over you." "Now, we're different." "We put the frankfurter in there, mustard in the middle." "Mustard in the middle." "There we are." "Pickle on top." "No fuss, no muss, no napkins, there you are." "Well, you ought to be ashamed of yourself." "First, you're stuffing your face with pie, and now you're loading yourself with hot dogs." "Now you know why I don't like mustard." "It's your turn at the turkey-shoot." "And we've gotta beat those Winfields." "You know I don't know how to shoot a gun." "Didn't you learn how to shoot in the army?" "I was in the cavalry." "What kind of bullets come out of a pitchfork?" "All right, listen." "You stay here." "I'll go and fix it up for you." "How 'bout another hot dog?" "Howdy, Mr. Winfield." "I ain't no Winfield." "Good." "How would you like to make a dollar?" "Just name your man." "All I want is for my fat friend there to win the turkey-shoot." "All you have to do is get behind some big rock or something." "There's a big tree down there." "Good!" "As long as you make it a bull's-eye." "Hey, how'd you like to make 50 cents?" "How?" "When the little fat city feller goes up there to shoot, just make sure he wins." "Jed, how'd you like to pick up ten cents?" "Ten cents." "How do I get it?" "Be sure that little fat city feller wins the turkey-shoot." "Wanna make five cents?" "Sure." "Here." "I've got it all set." "I've got a guy to shoot from behind the tree the same time you do." "Can you trust the guy?" "Can you trust him." "You don't know these mountain folks." "They're as honest as the day is long." "The days here are gettin' short." "Oh, please." "Come on, come on." "Come on, come on, come on!" "Just a squirrel twitch outside." "So far, the Winfields has got it." "We'ns is ahead." "All you'ns got left is Wilbert and he apt to hit a hog in the next county." "Start shooting', Squeeze Box." "All right, fella, when I say "Fire," fire." "Get ready." "Fire." "Fire." "Al, am I behind the right tree?" "Will you stop fooling and aim at the target." "Squeeze Box." "I came to help ya." "Well, if'n you're gonna shoot, shoot." "Take aim." "When I say, "Fire," pull the trigger." "Fire." "The McCoy's win!" "He is a real McCoy.!" "First turkey-shoot we've won in 30 years!" "And you done it by cheating'!" "You can't shoot nine shots from a single-bullet rifle gun." "Who says I can't?" "I do!" "Okay." "Just like you McCoys to be sneaky and underhanded behind our backs!" "Behind your backs?" "Every McCoy that a Winfield shot was shot in the back." " You shot our kin." " Yeah, but we shot 'em when they was lookin'." "That's what you say, old woman." " Don't you "old woman" me." " Winfields!" "Hey, where you all runnin' to?" "Ain't ya gonna wait for the turkey?" "Me neither." "Yeee!" "Granny, how 'bout telling' where the treasure is before something happens?" "Nothin's gonna happen." "My rheumatism tells me the rains is gonna come... and spoil this whole durn feud." "Balls of fire!" "They using' heavy artillery!" "Just like'n you said, Granny." "We tromped all over 'em." "We sure made 'em hightail it." "They sure scared of us now." "Us McCoys sure got 'em." "Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk." "How could my kinfolks ever live in a joint like this?" "Probably your forefathers lived here." "Beg your pardon." "I say, probably your forefathers lived here before you." "My forefathers?" "Well, sure." "I didn't have no forefathers." "Well, sure you did." "If I did, only one come home nights." "Go on, stupid!" "You..." "Boy, listen to that rain." "But it was nice of Uncle Clem to put us up like this." "Well, I'll sleep here." "Oh, no you don't." "This is my bed." "You sleep over there." "And, uh, who is going to make me?" "Me." "Squeeze Box McCoy." "Hmm." "And if I can't, my kin can." "Well, go ahead." "Your head's getting so big, there ain't room in the bed for both of us." "What a night." "Sure is a-pourin' out." "Well, squeeze over, Squeeze Box." "Good night." "Hooo." "Rain sure is cold." "I could use a warm spot." "Shift over, Unc." "Squeeze over, Squeeze Box." "Hey, Luke, who's that on the end?" "That's Wilbert." "One of Squeeze Box's kin." "My brother, Zeke." "Welcome, Cousin." "Roll, Luke." "Shift, Unc." "Squeeze over, Squeeze Box." "Howdy, Cousin." "Ain't a fit night out for man nor beast." "Howdy, Noah." "Feller on the end is a kin o' Squeeze Box." "Well, pleased to meet ya." "Always got room for kith and kin." "Sashay over, Zeke." "Roll, Luke." "Shift, Unc." "Squeeze over, Squeeze Box." "Funny-lookin' dogs down here." "Heh-heh." "Excuse me." "When we get inside, let me do the talking." "Who needs you?" "I'm the new head man around here." "It's too bad the new head isn't better than the old one." "Now, look..." "Go on!" "It's about time you'ns got here." "What is this all about?" "Calem's got more questions to ask." "We answered all the questions." "How about the jackpot?" "Thar goes the still again." "Luke, how many times I got to tell ya... not to put too much sugar in the squeezing's?" "Calem, get on with your talk so Luke can get the still fixed." "All right, Granny." "How many chill'un you got, Squeeze Box?" "I don't have any children." "No chill'un, huh?" "How long ya been married?" "I'm, I'm not married." "Thar." "No wives, no chill'un." "And him, over 16." "He don't deserve to be head of this here clan." "There's a lot in what Calem says." "Squeeze Box, maybe you better get hitched 'fore I let on as to the whar'bout's the treasure." "There's no problem for that." "Wilbert must know of some girl he's taken a likin' to." "Oh, sure." "Knew it." "Dorothy." "She kissed me once." "She did?" "Mm-hmm." "Squeeze Box, you and your friend go outside while we'ns has a little recommending'." "Recommendin'?" "What's that?" "It's an old hill custom." "They're going to pick you a bride." "Can't I pick my own?" "Don't try to buck traditions." "Marriage is a gamble." "It's like shooting dice." "But I'm gettin' faded before I even make a pass!" "Come on outside." "I-I'm..." "Never mind." "Why haven't I the right to pick my wife?" "'Cause you're dumb enough... to pick a girl too young for ya." "What's age got to do with it?" "Everything." "Say you're 40 and you're in love with a girl ten years old." "This one's a pip." "I'm goin' out with a ten-year-old." "Wait." "Just a minute." "Got a good idea where I'm gonna wind up." "Zoom!" "Wait." "All right!" "You're 40." "She's ten." "You couldn't marry her." "Not unless I came from these hills." "Leave the hills out of it!" "You're 40, she's ten." "You're four times as old as that girl." "You wait five years." "Now the girl is 15, you're 45." "Now you're only three times as old." "So, you wait 15 years more." "Now the girl is 30 and you're 60." "You're only twice as old as that girl." "She's catchin' up." "Sure!" "Now here's the question:" "How long do you have to wait before you and the girl are the same age?" "Oh." "Take your time and think it over." "No, no, no..." "What's ridiculous?" "That's ridiculous!" "If I keep waitin' for that girl, she'll wind up older than me." "She'll have to wait for me." "Why should she wait for you?" "I was nice enough to wait for her!" "If she wants to marry me, she'll wait for me." "Marry you?" "Do you know the girl?" "No." "Why marry a girl you don't know?" "That's what I'm tryin' to tell ya." "Why haven't I a right pick my wife?" "Stay here while they do the recommending." "I'm not gonna argue about Wilbert anymore." "I think he's sweet, but..." "But you're fixed on someone else." "That tune-collectin' Winfield!" "That's my business." "I don't see what this has to do with Wilbert." "You're not keeping your promise." "You're not keeping your head!" "A Winfield!" "We're wastin'our time." "I gives ya the blushing' bride to be: my own sister, Matt." "You're right, Calem." "She's now on to 14." "Ain't no sense in her being an old maid." "That's right." "Oh, Calem." "Dorothy, better tell Cousin Squeeze Box." "Yes'm." "And I'm off to tell the marryin'judge." "Ooh!" "You sure are a lucky man." "I am?" "Dorothy'll tell ya all about it." "Maybe she changed her mind." "Wilbert, I want to talk to you... alone." "Oh." "Dorothy, Calem told me what a lucky fellow I am." "He told you?" "Good." "He did." "The wedding's tomorrow morning." "Would you like to take a walk in the moonlight?" "I can't." "I have a date tonight." "You have a date tonight and the wedding is in the morning?" "Why, yes." "And I have a date tomorrow night with the same fellow." "Where will I be tomorrow night?" "You'll be on your honeymoon." "I'll be on my honeymoon..." "while you're on a date?" "Yes." "Is something wrong?" "Are you worried about the wedding?" "No, but it doesn't sound as nice as you read it in the books." "Wilbert, Luke just told me." "He knows about it too?" "Al, will you give the bride away?" "Calem's gonna do that." "He's been tryin' to get rid of her for years." "Listen you, you stop insultin' the future Mrs. Squeeze Box McCoy, or..." "Oh, Squeeze Box, darlin'." "Fightin' for me already!" "Fightin' for you?" "After all, you two are engaged." "Dorothy, you mean that you and I is really me and him, and that him is a her?" "That's what I've been trying to tell you." "Ooh." "All this time I thought him was a him." "Uncle Clem's takin' me to town for a real store-bought dress." "Dorothy, will you come along and help me pick out a real city-kind of bridal veil?" "Well, anything for the future Mrs. Squeeze Box." "Come on." "Ee-yoo-ooh!" "Al, you gotta get me outta this." "Wait a minute." "I can't interfere in these things." "I'm a "fereigner. "" "Oh." "Look, you." "You gotta do somethin' to get me outta this." "Like it or not, you're a groom." "Yeah, but look what I'm stuck with." "Yeah, they wanted me to hitch up with Matt a year back." "Why didn't you?" "Got kicked in the head by a mule." "I'm a little "tetched" now, but I ain't that crazy." "Um, where's the stable with the mule?" "Down yonder." "He ain't all there!" "Calem, you sure made Matt happy." "When do you suppose we're gonna learn Granny's secret?" "At the celebration." "Granny'll tell Squeeze Box where the treasure's hid, and Matt'll make him tell us." "You gonna kill him for the celebration?" "No, wait until after the weddin'." "Then slaughter 'im." "Hey, you can use my knife to slit his throat." "He's sure gonna make an elegant wedding' dinner." "You gonna grind 'im up?" "No, gonna roast 'im and put an apple in his mouth." "Al.!" "Al.!" "Granny!" "Al!" "What's the matter?" "My kin ain't mountain folks." "They're cannibals." "What are you talking about?" "Calem said he was gonna cut my throat, and cook me." "They was talkin' about the pig for the weddin' dinner tonight." "Oh." "Eh?" "Squeeze Box, come inside." "I wanna talk to you." "Sit down by the fire." "Oh, thank you." "Mm!" "Squeeze Box, you're not much to look at, but you got your good points." "And it's a durn shame Dorothy don't see 'em." "And I'm gonna be rich soon too." "I'm "fer" ya." "But she's got her mind set on a no -'count, mealymouthed Winfield." "There's just one thing to do:" "get a love potion." "Love potion?" "Is that better than gettin' kicked in the head by a mule?" "A love potion from old Aunt Hetty the witch." "One drop in Dorothy's cup, and she'll fall madly in love with the first man she meets after she drinks it." "Yeah?" "A love potion?" "Dorothy?" "Granny!" "Granny!" "See ya later." "Hey, hey." "Wait a minute." "I'm scared." "You dragged me out here." "That big talk about witches and love potions." "I'm gonna prove what a superstitious idiot you are." "Get over there!" "No, don't!" "Wait, Al." "If you should see a pair of gray pants flying' by, don't grab 'em." "Why not?" "Go ahead!" "I'll be in 'em." "Did you see it?" "See what?" "That was only a bat." "You started this and you're going to finish it." "Knock on the door." "I wanna go home." "Knock on the door!" "Well, nobody home." "Let's go." "We'll wait inside." "In hope she don't give me the evil eye." "There's nothing to be afraid of." "Just a simple, humble cabin." "Cheerful fireplace." "Above it, a departed friend." "Huh?" "The home of a poor old woman who uses hocus pocus to fool the mountain folks." "I hope she don't show up." "There's nothing to be afeard of." "I've been waitin'for you." "What do you all want?" "He wants a love potion." "A love potion, dearie?" "Aunt Hetty's Elixir of Love never fails." "How much do you want?" "How much is it?" "Cross my palm with silver." "The more it is, the stronger it gets." "Five dollars buys a powerful potion." "Al, give her $5." "Wait a minute." "I want to see if it works." "You doubt my powers?" "Not me, him!" "I'll show ya." "Beelzebub, a fire!" "Watch this, yes!" "What's she doin'?" "She's molding." "This time of the year?" "This ti..." "She's making voodoo." "She's making vous do what?" "Voodoo!" "I do?" "Not you do, voodoo." "I do what?" "She's making voodoo magic." "She's making voodoo magic?" "Yeah." "Do you know voodoo?" "You do?" "Sure!" "Sure." "Tell me more about 'im." "Oh, quiet!" "Sardoo-lee lagumi, a-gitchy gazoo!" "Look what she's makin'." "That's..." "Effigy." "I don't know what letter it starts with, but that's beginning to look like me." "Shh, quiet!" "Sardoo-lee legachi, lagumi gazoo!" "Presto!" "Ouch.!" "Now, give me the money." "Not 'til we get the potion." "She can't stick us for $5." "Oo-ooh!" "She can too." "Pay her the money." "Not 'til we get the potion." "Oh!" "That's just in your mind." "You got a poor sense of direction." "Please, pay her the money." "All right." "Now that we understand each other, I'll get the potion." "Potion, potion, magic be." "Make her love the first she'll see." "There." "There'll be a small deposit of $5 on the jug." "I'm not gonna pay it." "You'll pay it or you'll suffer." "I've got you in my power." "Oh, no!" "No!" "O-O-Ow!" "And I got you." "Mm!" "That wasn't fair!" "Mm!" "Stop!" "Mm!" "I'll quit if you will!" "Give me that thing!" "Oh, no." "Not 'til you give me that one." "Uh-uh!" "Not 'til I get the deposit on the jug." "Al, give her the money." "I'll pay her when I feel like it, and I..." "I feel like it!" "Ow-ooh-ooh!" "Aw, come on." "Wait a minute." "She must be a witch." "What's the matter?" "Why?" "Look at that broom." "That's what she makes her visits on." "That's the kind of broom I see in fairy tales." "Nah." "Hey!" "A windshield and a wiper." "That's for rainy nights." "Are you kiddin'?" "Oh, boy!" "Get a load of it." "What do you mean?" "I still don't believe it." "There it is!" "I wonder if it works." "It does!" "This must be the starter." "Oh!" "I'm sorry." "Wait a minute." "I wonder if I'm a heel doing this?" "What's the matter?" "I'd do the same thing." "Sure." "You would?" "Now I know I'm a heel." "Ahh, go on!" "Squeeze Box." "Granny, I got it." "You better move fast." "Winfield's making friends with everybody, and he's doin' pretty durn good with Dorothy." "Get busy with that love potion." "Thanks, Granny." "Dorothy, may I talk to you alone?" "Certainly, Wilbert." "Excuse me, Clark." "Sure." "What's on your mind, Wilbert?" "Dorothy, you gotta do me a favor." "If you marry me, then I can get rid of Matt, or else I'll have to resort to this jug." "Wilbert, drink never solved any problem." "Besides, my heart is elsewhere." "You mean you didn't bring it with ya?" "Oh, Wilbert!" "Let's throw the jug away." "First, will you drink a toast to my wedding?" "Sure." "Good." "How about you?" "I don't need any potion." "Potion?" "I mean, I don't need any potion of "thet" thar stuff." "You certainly picked up the hillbilly talk." "Well, here's luck to you." "Howdy, Cousin." "Works!" "I have the strangest feeling I've never had before." "Quite suddenly you seem to be" "The one that I adore" "My heart is not a plaything" "So handle it with care" "Without a doubt if you walk out" "Then you had best beware" "You'll be just another notch on Father's shotgun" "If'n you don't marry me" "So if you'd rather be dead than blissfully wed" "Don't get that ring you promised me last spring" "Now, Pa hardly ever misses" "When he draws that gat from his hip" "And you have your choice of kisses" "Or a slug of lead in the lip" "So don't learn your lesson from Dad's Smith  Wesson" "And don't be a suitor of Papa's six-shooter" "Just get that preacher on the run" "Or you'll be just another notch on Father's gun" "You'll be just another notch on Father's shotgun" "If'n you don't marry me" "So if you'd rather be found 'neath six feet of ground" "Just leave me ditched instead of gettin'hitched" "Now, Pa says if you wanna linger" "When he takes that gun from the wall" "You'd better put that ring on my finger" "Or you won't breathe no more at all" "At all" "So don't be a jester with Papa's Winchester" "And don't be an eyeful in Daddy's ol'rifle" "And stop hesitatin' and don't keep me waitin'" "Just get that preacher on the run" "Or you'll be just another notch" "You'll be just another notch on Father's gun" "Oh, you fascinating creature." "I can't let you go, you know that." "Let me run my fingers through your hair." "That's my hat." "Dorothy, have another drink." "A small one." "Go ahead." "Mm!" "Squeeze Box!" "This is my kissin' cousin." "That weren't no cousinly kiss." "Shh!" "Sure weren't." "Never mind, Calem." "The boy ain't hitched yet." "No, but it 'tain't fitting'." "I'll get the bride to be." "Calem sure is anxious to get you married." "But so am I." "Say you will." "Pretty please?" "Mm-hmm." "Dorothy, let's drink to our wedding." "Squeeze Box..." "Howdy, Cousin." "I'm sorry, Matt, but I want him for myself." "I'm sorry, Dorothy." "I want Matt for myself." "You fascinating beauty." "Why, Wilbert!" "Let me run my fingers through your hair." "But Wilbert, how could you have forgotten so soon?" "Why, just a moment ago I kissed you." "Anybody that would kiss me would kiss anybody." "Puh-lease, Dorothy." "Puh-lease." "Excuse me." "Come, my little loved one." "Come on." "If I hadn't seen that, I wouldn't have believed it." "He drunk from the jug and saw Matt first." "How long does it take to wear off?" "Depends on how big a swig he took." "Oh, Squeeze Box, I can see the lovelight in your eyes." "Matt, don't put it out." "Gimme that jug." "I'll mark it so nobody else will get it." "You got a pencil?" "Wilbert, I wanna talk to you." "I can't hear you, for the wedding bells are ringin' in my ear." "Let's drink to them wedding' bells." "Eh..." "Uh, no, no, uh..." "The bride first." "Come on, Matt." "Not that one." "Just a teensy-weensy bit." "But not this." "Why not?" "That's some of Granny's best corn." "You shouldn't have drunk that." "Why not?" "Howdy, Cousin." "What're you lookin' at me for?" "Why should I ever want to look at anything else, you fascinating' creature." "Eh, b-b-but look..." "Yes." "Not now." "Al, kiss me." "Just once." "Let me run my fingers through your hair." "Just a minute." "She's mine." "She's not yours." "I'm your girl." "No, you're not!" "I've changed my mind." "Well, I've changed my mind." "I haven't changed mine." "And I haven't changed mine." "And I'm going out of my mind!" "She's mine!" "I'm your girl." "No, you're not.!" "You're mine!" "I am not." "You're mine!" "Get away!" "Somebody's mine!" "Some kind of party game?" "Think so, Calem?" "Can't rightly say." "I think still think Cousin Squeeze Box is a little "tetched"." ""Tetched" or no "tetched", there are gonna be a weddin'." "All right, judge, start the marryin'." "Squeeze Box, you'll never regret this." "We get the treasure, and you get yourself a fine little mountain flower." "If there be anybody in this assembly who has reason why... this here ceremony shouldn't take place..." "Listen to me." "'Cause if'n you don't, this here shootin' iron'll speak for me." "Dorothy, this is ridiculous." "You can't do it." "I can't?" "I'll bullet any man, woman or mule that tries to stop me." "I came here to get me a man." "Live if possible." "Dead if necessary." "And that man is Wilbert "Squeeze Box" McCoy." "I wanna, I wanna, I wanna..." "You wanna what?" "I wanna go home." "And I want Al." "Then get yourself a gun and get 'im." "Go on, judge." "Make him my ever-lovin'man." "If there's anybody else..." "Clark, what happened?" "Where am I?" "You're all right now, but you almost married Wilbert." "Oh, no!" "Well, I never." "Hmm!" "I wanna marry Matt, anyway." "Hmm-mm!" "That's my girl." "Oh-ho-ho-ho!" "Go ahead, judge, we're ready." "What's goin' on here?" "If I get a chance to get all the words out, you're going to be married." "Good." "To Dorothy?" "Uh, to Matt." "Mm-hmm!" "I don't wanna marry her." "And I don't wanna marry him." "I don't wanna marry anybody!" "By sassafras!" "I come 30 miles to do this here knot tying'!" "I'll marry him anytime." "You mean, you want to marry Al?" "He's so gorgeous." "But he ain't no McCoy!" "Calem, we'll make him a McCoy." "We'll do it the hard way." "We will christen him." "Have you got a jug?" "Yeah." "Let me have it." "Ha-ha!" "Wilbert!" "Wilbert!" "Wilbert!" "You can't do this to me!" "Uh-huh." "Calem, this may be your last chance to get rid of Matt." "And besides, I'll throw in five percent of the treasure for a dowry." "But, Wilbert, I'm your pal." "Oh, Al, you're gonna marry a sweet little mountain flower." "Oh, goody!" "All right, brother-in-law, let's make it legal." "Now, judge, go ahead." "Who's gettin' married?" "You and him." "But I don't want him." "I want him." "Somebody find out who wants who!" "Calm yourself, judge." "We'll be glad to give you the right answers." "Won't we, sugar?" "We sure will, honey." "No Winfields!" "That's right." "If'n a feud starts, it'd be mighty unhandy havin' a Winfield in the family." "Oh, it's time you stopped this stupid feuding." "There's not a better man among you than Clark Winfield." "If he wants me, I'm proud to have him." "Go ahead, judge." "If there's anybody else, let him speak now or forever hold their peace." "Winfields!" "Hey, come on over!" "Clark and Dorothy are gettin' hitched." "That's what I figured'd be goin' on." "There ain't no Winfield gonna tie up with no McCoy wench." "Dan, this is my business." "You Winfields has got the best of the bargain, so 'bide by it." "I'm seein' Dorothy's point." "Feudin's silly." "From now on, I'm a peaceful woman." "Granny's right." "From now on, let's have a peaceful feud." "You hush up, Wi-i-i-ilbert!" "There'd have been no trouble in these hills if'n you and that gal... hadn't come to see the old woman." "You said it again!" "Winfield!" "Clark, get ahold of Dorothy!" "Judge, you start the marryin'." "I'll start the car." "Go ahead, McCoys." "You'ns a-started this ruckus, so start a-shootin'." "Here." "Us McCoys is in for a fight." "Good luck to ya." "Calem, hold your fire!" "Now they can't make up their mind who's gonna do the shootin'." "Keep on talkin', judge." "That's only the backfire of the car echoing'." "I'm here to..." "Wait!" "Hey, I ain't finished yet!" "Hold it!" "Now that we're gonna be kinfolks by marriage, what do you say we talk this whole feud over peaceful and quiet like?" "Well, let me hear from ya!" "What's going on out there?" "My in-laws." "They're acting like outlaws." " I'm a-comin' for you, Wi-i-i-ilbert!" " How we gonna get away?" "He can't come through the door." "I got it bolted." "And if he comes through the window," "I'll clunk him on the head with this thing." "Al, I think I scared him away." "Oughta saying' your prayers, Wi-i-i-ilbert!" "You ain't a-gonna get away from me this time, Wi-i-i-ilbert!" "He ain't Wi-i-i-ilbert!" "You better both start sayin' your prayers!" "You'll get the chair for this, Devil Dan.!" "Get the chair." "The chair.!" "I ain't a-gonna get no chair." "The countyjudge is a Winfield.!" "Winfield or no Winfield, you're gonna get the chair." "Whee!" "He got it." "Thanks, Matt." "You saved our lives." "That ain't all I saved." "Come on." "I saved the treasure too." "What's the concertina got to do with it?" "I ain't telling', 'less'n you promises to marry me." "He promises." "I do not!" "I'm your agent and I'll do your booking." "Will you please tell us where the treasure is before we get shot?" "All right." "I'll tell you the secret, but he's gotta marry me." "Uh, he'll marry you all right." "Now you broke my concertina." "And it's a wastepaper basket." "I never knew it." "Hey, it's a map." "That's right." "The map of Lost Springs Mine." "That "X" shows where the treasure is buried." "It's a cinch." "Only trouble is, Lost Springs Mine is in Winfield territory." "It "shore" is." "Only I didn't know there's treasure buried in it." "You know, you're gettin' to talk more like Devil Dan." "Let me hear you say "Wilbert. "" "Wi-i-i-ilbert." "Oh, no." "That..." "Nicest little feller I ever "knowed"." "I love him like a brother." "Never see'd a feller I liked so much." "If you're such a pal, how about calling off the fireworks?" "Why "shore. " Huh?" "Winfields!" "Hold your "fahr. "" "It's me, Devil Dan a-talkin'." "Get in, boys." "But Dan'I!" "What are you doin' there?" "I'm a-takin' my friends to the Lost Springs Mine." "Well, that's our territory." "I don't think I "heared" you right." "You "heared" him right." "Start driving', Daniel." "Yes, sir." "Granny, Calem, Squeeze Box run out on me." "And he tricked us outta the treasure." "How?" "I give 'im the concertina 'cause I thought he'd marry me." " How'd you know the secret?" " I peeked while you was workin' it." "I wouldn't have told if..." "Double-cross his own kin, will he?" "Calem, from now on you're head of this clan." "You get that concertina back, and I don't care how." "That's what I've been a-waitin' to hear." "From now on, that Squeeze Box ain't no better than a Winfield." "Durn it, I forgot my corn mash." "Come on, McCoys!" "It done it again!" "Well, there ya are." "Anything else I can do for ya, Squeeze Box?" "Tell him to go home." "Uh, no, that's all right now, brother." "You and the boys can go home." "Well, if that's the way you want it, good-bye, brother." "Good-bye." "What am I doin' here..." "with you?" "You were just sayin' good-bye, brother." "Don't call me "brother", Wi-i-i-ilbert!" "Winfields.!" "Wilbert!" "Wilbert!" "Where are you, Wilbert?" "I'm down here." "Watch out for that first step." "It's a big one." "Come out there." "Come on up here." "What's the matter with you?" "Give me your hand." "Get my hand." "Come on, get up." "Nyahh!" "You coward, you!" "What are you trying to do?" "Hide and make me fight the Winfields all alone?" "The Winfields!" "Oh!" "There they are, at the bottom of the shaft!" "They give us the slip!" "Why don't we go get 'em?" "We can't go up 'til somebody comes down." "With the Winfields down there, we'll never get the treasure." "I'm gonna get the McCoys!" "There's the traitor!" "Whoa!" "Help!" "It won't go down." "Hey, we're in the middle again." "Let's hide." "They took the elevator." "We got 'em trapped." "Get in." "Don't nobody shoot Squeeze Box 'cept me!" "Just like those Winfields:" "always raising' the roof." "I gotta show Calem the map." "That'll prove that I'm no traitor." "Come on." "Okay, come on." "Let's go." "Aahhh!" "We've gotta put some weight on here." "Huh?" "Help me carry these rocks." "They're up thar." "What are they doin'?" "I know how we can catch 'em, Calem." "How?" "We stay right here, and then when that other elevator comes down, we reach over and grab 'em." "Uh-huh." "Boy!" "Excuse me, hold this rock." "Yeah." "Hey, is that what you've been carrying?" "Yeah, they're heavy." "What's the matter with you?" "Oooh!" "Ah, there's no use." "This won't go down 'til they get off." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "I'll fix that." "Hey, you McCoys." "Get off the elevator so we can come down." "Hey!" "It's the treasure!" "Gold!" "Gold!" "Don't forget, I'm your agent." "I get ten percent." "My grandpappy!" "He must've put in a burglar alarm." "What are you men doing in here?" "What are you men doing here?" "What are we doing here?" "This happens to be Fort Knox!" "Fort Knox!" "All right, son, take 'em away." "Yes, sir." "Just a minute."