"It's only an interview!" "Only an interview?" "Only an interview?" "!" "What if I panic?" "You know, what if I say an accidental word.." "An accidental word?" "With all this pressure the wrong word could just pop out of my mouth by accident." "Like what?" "Nipples." "Why would you say "nipples" in an interview?" "Because I've just put the idea in my head, haven't I?" "Now I've got a flashing sign in my brains saying" "NIPPLES" "NIPPLES NIPPLES" "NIPPLES NIPPLES NIPPLES" "All right, why "Nipples", why not..." ""Thighs"?" "Oh, great." "Thanks a lot, now I've got "Thighs" in my head too." "How could you say "Thighs" to a person with an interview?" "!" "Sorry." "I mean, why don't you just throw in "vulva"?" "VULVA" "Good evening boys." "What's the matter with him?" "He's got female body parts multiplying in his brain." "Excellent." "Ok." "Tip number one." "This is major." "Imagine your interview panel naked." "Naked?" "Really cause some ?" "recognize technique." "So the interview panel might know about the technique?" " Well, yeah." " So they might retaliate!" "Retaliate?" "They might imagine me naked." "Sorry, you think that the interview panel is going to imagine you naked?" "Jeff, you have a pioneer paranoia." "I'm going to be sitting there trying to convince them that I'm are a safe choice for senior accountant!" "And suddenly I'm a naked man saying "vulva"." "?" "sit in chair and talk, that's not difficult!" "Not diffi..." "Not difficult?" "!" "I've got accidental words to worry about" "Thanks to Patrick here, I've got nudity projection." "And there's a Giggle Loop, of course." "What?" " What's the Giggle Loop?" " Don..." "Don't ask." "To know about the Giggle Loop... is to become part of the Giggle Loop." "Well, I think, we can take it." "You're not ready for the Giggle Loop." "Basically it's like a feedback loop." "You're somewhere quiet." "There's people." "It's a... it's a solemn occasion." "A wedding." "No, it's a minute silence for someone who's died." " Right?" " Got you." "Ok." "Minute silence ticking away." "The Giggle Loop begins suddenly out of nowhere this thought comes into your head:" ""The worst thing I could possibly do during a minute silence is laugh."" "And as soon as you think that you almost do laugh, automatic reaction, but you don't, you control yourself, you're fine..." "But then you think how terrible it would have been if you'd laughed out loud in the middle of the minute silence... and soon you nearly do it again, only this time it's a bigger laugh." "And then you think how awful this bigger laugh would have been." "And so you nearly laugh again, only this time it's a very big laugh." "It's an enormous laugh, let this bastard out - and you get whiplash!" "And suddenly, you're in a middle of this completely silent room,.." "and your ?" "soul?" "is going like you're drilling the road, and what you think of this situation, oh dear Christ, you think it's FUNNY!" "Excuse me." "What are you doing?" "It's a Giggle Loop." "It's not a loop, it's a stack." "Well, I couldn't call it a Giggle Stack now, could I?" "That would sound ridiculous." "Exactly." "Steve!" "Jane." "My auntie Margaret's dead!" "Right?" "You must say something!" "Shit." "Shit?" "She's just died!" "Do you think you could be a little more appropriate?" "Can I come in?" " Now?" " Of course now!" " But Susan could phone!" " So?" "If you're here, it's gonna be a problem!" "Oh, for God's sake!" "She could come to the door, she could fax!" "She could come to the door, she could fax!" "For Christ's sake!" "My aunt's just died!" "My aunt has practically brought me up!" "For Christ's sake!" "My aunt's just died!" "My aunt has practically brought me up!" "You can't be here, Jane, please!" "It was a heart attack." "Early this afternoon she just dropped dead." "?" "Has not really sunk in yet?" "Why didn't you go home and wait for a bit?" "I would not want to come for you prematurely, it'd be such a waste." "I can't be the one who comforts you now." "I'm going out with Susan." "Susan's got an aunt of her own, I have to worry about Susan's aunt." "Why?" "What's wrong with her?" "Nothing." "She's very healthy." "Sorry." "Sorry." "I realise this is not the moment to slap you in the face with Susan's healthy aunt." "My aunt was healthy too!" "My aunt was extremely healthy." "Why do you just assume ?" "whether?" "I have a healthy aunt?" "Didn't you just tell me she dropped dead this afternoon?" "You can't judge someone's health by one day!" "Look." "Susan's aunt..." "Susan's aunt - that's all you have been talking about these days." "Listen!" "All I'm trying to say is that as much as I like Susan's aunt," "?" "I'm not?" "gonna go to her funeral, unless she dies during my relationship with Susan" "I wonder is Susan's aunt realizes that." "What can oddly tell her ?" "am I seeming?" "strangely pressuring." "So you're not coming with me to my aunt's funeral?" "I wouldn't enjoy it." "I'm not trying to get back with you," "I just don't want to go to this funeral alone." "I'm sorry, Jane." "My aunt would have wanted you at her funeral." "We were together for a 4,5 years, you were part of our life for 4,5 years!" "That is hardly my fault, she's missed the window." "Window?" "Am I just some kind of joke to you now?" "Of course you are not some sort of joke!" "Jane, wait!" "Jane!" "What the hell do you take me for, Steven" "I'm not trying to lure you back into bed with my dead aunt!" "I could so easily be misinterpreted." "Evening." "Yup, evening." "I said I couldn't go." "Why not?" "?" "Wouldn't?" "you want me to - it's Jane, she's my ex." "So what, you're friends." "You should be there for her." "Can't believe you were so cold." "I was being faithful." "Phone her.." "now." "Tell her you've been an idiot." "Shirt?" " Kitchen." " Right." "Are you ok about me being somewhere with Jane?" "Steve, it's a funeral." "They're gonna cremate an old lady." "I don't think this gonna to lead to anything." " Skirt?" " On the tele." " Hello" " Jane, hi, it's Steve." "Steve." "I've been having a long chat with Susan about this being faithful to dead aunt thing, and, well, to cut long story short, she was being an idiot." "How did Susan manage to be an idiot when she wasn't even in the conversation?" "Well, exactly, womenly." "Anyway, look, the point is, of course I can come to the funeral with you, it's a least I can do." "Oh Steve!" "Thank you so much!" "No problem." "Listen..." "I'm big ?" "and I'm really sorry to ask, it's just..." "My family like you a lot, they don't know that we've split up..." "Do we have to tell them at the funeral?" "It'd be so awful, in front of everyone" "Well..." "We don't have to pretend to be together" "We just don't tell them we're apart, ok?" "Ple-e-e-ease!" "Ok, ?" "should be a problem." "Can you find out when it is?" "In case I'd have to take a day off work" "Sorry?" "Can you find out what day we're going?" "Right." "Jane" "Susan was just asking... can she come too?" "Why would Susan want to come to my aunt's funeral?" "Well, she've never met her." "Listen, Steve." "If you bring on your girlfriend to my aunt's funeral in front of everyone I know, it'll be completely humiliating for me." "Can't you see that?" " Well..." " So just explain that to Susan." "Ok, right, absolutely, I'll explain that, that's what I'm gonna do." " Susan?" " Yeah?" "It's a really small chapel." " What?" " Very very small." "Strictly one guest per griever." "You're a griver, I can be your guest." "No, technically, I'm a griever's guest, and griever's guest can't bring guests, cause otherwise the whole thing gonna turn into an..." "Orgy." "A funeral is gonna turn into an orgy." "It's a risk, yes." "She hasn't told her friends you've split up, has she?" "She wants you there as her boyfriend?" "Well..." "You haven't agreed to that, have you?" "Of course I haven't!" "It's ridiculous!" "You can just explain to her that I'll be there as your girlfriend," "I'm sure she'll understand." "Right." "Absolutely." "I'll tell her that." " Good" " Yeah." "That's what I'm gonna do." "Right." "Jane." "What Susan in fact feels is..." "She'd love a word." "Jane, I'm so sorry to hear about your auntie!" "Oh, that's so sweet of you." "I said to Steve he must go to the funeral." "Well you must come too." " Are you sure?" " Absolutely." "See you there." " Bye!" " Bye-e-e!" "She's not passing ?" "her boyfriend." "She's not telling people she's your girlfriend." "What's the matter with you?" "This was your idea!" "Can't you see what she's doing?" "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't see something a little bit funny about what she's doing!" "There's nothing funny about it!" " ?" " Susan!" "She ?" "didn't?" "do anything, she's got a dead aunt!" "?" "Go for?" "Christ's sake!" "Susan!" "Anyone can have a dead aunt!" "Evening!" "Evening." "I know exactly what you gonna say." "I want you to be Susan's date at Jane's aunt's funeral." "Ok, bit out there." "What did you think I was gonna say?" "I thought you gonna notice that I'm looking kinda cool, kinda confident." "Why?" "I'm imagining people naked." "Oh, so, why am I Susan's date?" "So people don't think she's my date." "Jane hasn't told her family that we've split up yet, so" "I ?" "with Susan, so Susan's gonna need a decoy date." "And what does Susan think about it?" "Are you imagining me naked?" "I'm imagining everybody naked, it's automatic now." "Susan wouldn't have to know that you're her date." "You have to ?" "stick together, everyone's gonna assume that I'm here with Jane, and you're there with Susan." "You know, that ?" "ask any questions, and everyone gets out of the funeral alive." "Except Jane's aunt." "That's her funeral, she's an acceptable casuality." "Are you still imagining me naked?" "You're perfect practice for me, I've seen you naked." "I've got ?" "something?" "to base it on." "When?" "When we were camping." "You were ?" "pasturing?" "in the river." "That's a very cold river, Jeff!" "So?" "So you've got to take that into account, when you're imagining me." "I'm warmer now, you've got to... compensate." "Look, it's my imagination, I could ?" "not offer\cough?" "a couple of inches." "Only if you come to the funeral." "Only if you get the drinks." "Sporty ass!" "Patrick, I need you." "Excellent." "When and where?" "I want you to be my date at Steve's ex-girlfriend's aunts funeral." "I'd like it." "Then," "I can be the pizza boy, you can be ?" "working lad?" "." "Patrick, this is not a sex game." "I'm asking you a favor, and sex is not involved." "And you're admitting that at ?" "front?" "?" "You see when we've gone wrong?" "Look, Steve's going with his ex and me, but I think he's gonna pretend to be with her, so I want my ex there, just to show him what it feels like." "I can't do that to Steve, he's a friend" "Oh so tell me about your friend, "pizza boy"!" "Oh are we playing now?" "Does you ?" "thinking Patrick?" "I don't know, I'll ask him." "That is the single lamest attempt anyone has ever made to get me to go out with him." "Sally, how do you fancy coming with me at Susan's new boyfriend's ex's aunt's funeral?" " I don't do funerals." " Sally, please!" "Patrick, I'm a career beautician!" "I have devoted my life to the fight against aging." "A funeral is like the headquarters of aging." "It'd be like" "James Bond going into the Spectra control center." "I'd be recognized." "But I need a decoy date, I can't go there with Susan right in front of Steve" "You don't understand." "Have you seen dead people?" "Trust me: death is the best argument for moisturizer." "You can't prevent death with face cream" "Yeah, that's what everyone thinks, but noone's ever used it in a quantity as I do." "That's just one afternoon at the crematorium." "She's being cremated." "That is so unhygienic." "I refuse to sit there ?" "the dead person." "It's just a funeral, everybody's been to funerals, even you've been to a funeral." "Yes." "But I didn't inhale." "There's gonna be a lot of old people there." "You'd be the most... moist." "Just..." "Going to funeral." "?" "Is an?" "aunt." "Yeah." "Good luck." "Four of them, four of your friends!" "Look, I explained." "Susan might let me go with you, and then she brings Patrick." "Patrick ?" "come and then Sally comes, and Jeff went back cause there were no one who actually knew your aunt and he think it's unfair that he's left behind." "I think your friends have behaved appalingly and I think you should tell them that." "You tell them." "It's your job to tell them, they're your friends." "It'd feel stupid." "The very least you can do, Steve, is tell them!" "You've all behaved appalingly." "Will you guys hurry up?" "Stop playing Reservoir Dogs!" " Sorry" " Sorry" "Sorry" "Auntie Muriel." "Jane, my dear." "We're not going on to the crematorium to 2 o'clock." "Have a ?" "." "We're eating before the funeral?" "Isn't it a little unusual?" "I'm hungry now..." "Anyway, I never liked the bitch." "Everyone, this is my auntie." "We're going on to the crematorium at half past two." "?" "a bit fine?" "My other auntie, Patrick." "I'm Muriel, Margareth is in the box." "Half past?" "You said two o'clock." "Two, half past..." "She's quite stable." "?" "roll, Margareth?" "Oh no..." "You're dead." "Jane" "What a sad day" "But you look lovely as whenever." "Thank you" "I can never remember, which of these lads is your young man?" "Hang on." "I'm with Sally." "I thought you were with Susan?" "No no, I'm with Susan." "Then I must be with Jane, then." "Vicar, hello, nice to see you again." "Where have you been?" "I can't go around with you ?" "unless?" "Susan goes around with Patrick." "He won't go anyway near because of me even I've ?" "told him." "For heavens sake, do you really think I'm trying to get back with you?" "Aren't you?" "No." "I'm pleased you're with Susan." "She's perfect for you, she's lovely, very sexy." "Yes she is, isn't she?" "Absolutely." "Quite fancy her myself." "Really?" "Not really my type." "But I could've gone for her." "You're lucky you saw her first." "Really?" "Look, I suppose this funeral thing was my fault." "I should've known how it's gonna look to Susan." "I gonna go and square with her." "Ok?" "Really?" "Are you coming?" "Actually I'm gonna stay behind this table for a bit." "What?" "I'm just gonna stand here..." "for a bit..." "Why?" "It's your fault, you're talking about women!" "?" "for heavens sake?" "Sorry." "How much longer?" "About the usual amount." "How much longer in minutes, Steve?" "Not very." "Sounds familiar." "I wish you'd have mention this lesbian obsession while we were going out" "At least we could have some threesomes." "We could've had threesomes?" "Couple of my girlfriends suggested it." "I didn't think you'd be interested." "We could've had threesome?" "Well there's no point going back on now, isn't there?" "It's too late." "We went out for 4,5 years, you never said!" "Oh, Steve" "It's hardly my fault you missed the window." "Are you all right?" "No, not really." "It's a very difficult time, yes?" "Very difficult." "Let it out, son." "Let it go." "I think that might be best." "I think we ought to talk." "About what?" "I think you know about what." "Excuse me" "Oh my God!" "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Just got a beautify-fright." "I was just saing to my friend here, you look so like me when I was younger" "Don't be horrible." "What?" "Sorry." "No.." "Uhm..." "She's like me on my wedding photographs, isn't she?" "What age was I then?" ".." "About forty?" ".." "Forty?" "!" "About forty, yes." "I don't look forty." "So, do you know any of these people?" "No, not really." "Well, nobody up right." "Don't know how you cope." "I hate it when a room is full of people I don't know." "?" "see, I have a secret:" "I have a special way of looking at people." "Nothing can fright me now." "Do you want the rest of this?" "What about the ear thing, does he still do that?" "Oh God, the ear thing!" "What ?" "that's got to do" "And look at my neck." "Look at the underhung of my jaw." "No way there's such a forty-year old underhung." "It's getting a bit segmented." "What do you mean?" "That's how it starts, you know." "Don't touch me!" "I'm full of moisturize, you might drain it all off." "What?" "I'd be like rain on the desert, it'd all get sucked away." "You'd probably reflate." "Forty-five." "What?" "I was 45 when I got married, when I looked just like you." "What age are you now?" "92." "Well, you must be getting pretty nervous, then." "Nervous?" "Let's be honest." "This is gotta be your last funeral standing up." "You use a lot of face cream, don't you?" "Yes." "So did I..." "Jeff" "What?" "What's the matter with you?" "I can't turn off the naked people." "Great." "What do you mean - great?" "It's disgusting!" "Exactly." "If everyone else is disgusting - that means, you must be the best." "You gonna work the interview, Jeff." "I am, am I?" "Oh look, now, we've made up." "Happy now?" "Susan, this is awful!" "What's happened?" "I'm getting older and I'm going to die." "I knew this would happen if I came to a funeral!" "Look, it's my other new friend, Sally." "Isn't this nice?" "Look at it, Steve." "What a threesome." "You should see this the way I do." "Excuse me." "Just hang on for a moment." "I'm sorry?" "We just want to... say goodbye." "Take a moment." "Would you like me to open the casket so you can see her?" "Yeah, that would probably do the trick." "Everybody!" "I..." "I just thought, before we go on to the crematorium, we should take a moment to remember Margareth here, in her home, which she loved so much." "So." "Let's have a minute silence... starting now." "You've got to laugh." "We're ready for you now, Mr. Murdock." "Good morning, Mr. Murdock." "Mr. Murdock?"