"PUDDLE:" "Ever since my mom and I moved into Steve's mansion, we were getting an up-close look at how he spends his days." "Wow, ride that thing." "Hey, there, Puddle." "Guess who's getting a new bike." "Is that someone in this room?" "Uh, yeah." "And has that someone been dying for a new bike for, like, months?" "I'll say." "And would that someone be able to ride this new bike to school?" "Well, it's a handmade, one-of-a-kind, gold-plated bike, but, yeah," "I guess I could ride it by the fence, let the kids take a look." "Steve, I think she's hinting at a bike for herself, which she doesn't need." "Now I gotta get this girl to school." "I have a full day." "Don't worry." "I can take her." "I've got to swing by there to pick up Steve's obnoxious and ridiculous bike, anyways." "Come on, kiddo." "EMMY:" "Have a good day." "Well, I still have to do all this laundry, so..." "Did you, uh, try the laundry chute?" "You know, there are actually people at the bottom of that thing." "They've got their own little subterranean world." "It's kind of like Fraggle Rock." "Yeah." "Oh, no, no, no." "I can do this." "No, really." "Ah, no." "She's got it." "Yeah." "Let her take that." "There you go." "I guess we're more alike than you thought, huh?" "So now your day's as free as mine." "Hey, do you wanna go do some power tanning by the pool?" "We could clock some hammock time." "We can have some Arnold Palmers." "It'll be really fun." "I can't." "I have a job." "It's, um, a charity thing, actually." "That's why I go downtown every day." "I am very, very busy during the days." "PUDDLE:" "Actually, my mom first tried volunteering to teach at my school, but didn't have the right qualifications." "For instance, I could, um, teach the kids how to build a dam with just sticks and mud." "Have you considered an app?" "We actually have an app-building class here." "Yeah, I don't know how to build a dam app." "Okay, there's no need to be nasty." "PUDDLE:" "She even went online to look for advice." ""Start a nonprofit." Hmm." "PUDDLE:" "But it turns out starting a nonprofit was more complicated than she thought." "Well, starting a nonprofit is a very expensive endeavor." "I mean, who's gonna pay your salary?" "No, I don't need to take a salary." "Well, then you wouldn't have any taxable income to defer." "So to be a nonprofit, I have to make a profit?" "Well, that's the only way we can keep people from lying and make them accountable." "I don't know, it's something about charity." "It just brings out the worst in people." "Well, I assure you, I would never lie about something like charity." "Yep!" "I am running a charity." "PUDDLE:" "That was a lie." "So I guess we are not as similar as you thought." "Wait a second." "I'm sorry, what..." "What's the cause?" "What?" "The cause of your charity." "What is it?" "My cause is the greatest of all causes, causes." "It's a cause-cause?" "Oh, I've never heard of that." "PUDDLE:" "Yeah, that's 'cause she's lying." "Yes, we do, um, a lot of general fundraising for a lot of different charities." "And, um, it just..." "We do it out of one office." "Wow, where is the office?" "Uh, uptown." "Oh, that's..." "Wait, I thought you said it was downtown." "Yeah, I mean, it's the upper part of... (LAUGHS) What is this, the third degree?" "You gonna waterboard me next?" "Because that's one of our causes." "Great, well, then, I want to give you some money." "I wanna be charitable, too." "Yeah, Steve, that's not really how charity works." "You know, you can't just buy your way into being charitable." "I thought you said your charity's raising funds." "I have funds, I want to give you them, so that you can raise them." "Why is that wrong?" "PUDDLE:" "It wasn't." "I mean, really." "If anything here was wrong, it would be lying about running a charity." "Great, thanks." "Yes, please." "And, um..." "We would all really appreciate that, so..." "We?" "Wow." "You have employees?" "PUDDLE:" "For some reason, she just couldn't keep her mouth shut about this." "Yes." "That's why we need so much money. (CHUCKLES)" "Well, then I will double the amount." "And there's plenty more where that came from." "So whatever you need, do not hesitate to ask." "Man, I feel so great about myself!" "PUDDLE:" "But my mom had never felt worse, because now, instead of just laying around the mansion, she was now laying around the mansion with a giant cashier's check from Steve." "I mean, I don't know what to do." "I can't just make up a charity and take money for it." "Right?" "Nah." "And what's the worst that's gonna happen?" "They're gonna send you to where I am?" "Yeah, where are you, exactly?" "I'll give you a hint, it's sad, painful, and if you're bad, they make you spend the rest of your life here." "Oh, my God, Andy, are you in jail?" "(LAUGHING) No." "Canada." "I'm in Canada." "But, um, yeah, coincidentally," "I'm also in jail." "(DUCK HONKING)" "Excuse me!" "Hang on." "Do you mind?" "What did you do to get thrown in jail?" "Well, I'm trying to dismantle the Canadian war machine." "But apparently, that's a crime, too, along with being a rabid badger and certain kinds of fruit." "But now that you have money, you can bail me out." "PUDDLE:" "Hey, mom..." "(WHISPERING) One second." "No." "No, it's wrong." "I can't do it." "I can't take money I got from Steve, pretending I was running a charity, and then give it to you so you can get out of jail." "It's just..." "It's too frivolous." "I'm sorry." "I guess it's a bad time to ask if you'd use some of that money to buy me a bike?" "Yeah, honey, that's not gonna happen." "No, I'm gonna give this money back, and I'm gonna tell him the truth." "Because that is the right thing to do, and doing the right thing is its own reward." "But you know that, right?" "I sure do." "Turns out, it was also a bad time to say," ""Buy me a bike, or I'll tell Steve the truth."" "I can't tell you how good I feel, Fa'ad." "Now I know why Bill Gates gives all his money away to good causes." "Get a little bit closer to hooking up with the chick he digs." "And I know why Bill Gates invented the electronic porno machine." "I, myself, have invented quite a few successful products." "Yes, and as a financial investor," "I'd really like to know when I can expect to see a profit." "PUDDLE:" "Probably not anytime soon." "After a series of bad business ideas, he lost almost all of his fortune." "(GRUNTS)" "(SCREAMING)" "Well, if you'd like to up your investment, the hot season is coming, and hairless men all over the Middle East will be clambering for my chest toupees." "No, thank you." "All my cash is going to charity from now on." "Steve, aren't you worried about what your father will say?" "He hates charity." "He says charitable people are like vampires who roam the streets at night, sucking the blood of the hardworking and righteous." "Jeez, you open one Republican convention with a bad line, and it haunts you forever." "No, I actually think he'll respect me." "I mean, I've got a woman in my life." "Kind of." "And I'm actually doing something with myself." "Yeah, in fact, I want him to know." "Well, now's your chance to tell him." "Didi's here." "She just called from the main gate." "What?" "My mom is here?" "She's your stepmom." "Fine." "What?" "My stepmom is here?" "I can't wait to tell her what I did." "She's gonna be so proud." "How do I look?" "Older than the kind of man who would say something like that." "Steve!" "Stepmom!" "FA'AD:" "Is that Steve's stepmom?" "I'd like to put her in a burka and imagine what she looks like." "Hello, Didi!" "How are you?" "Get your hands off my stepmom, you creep!" "Oh, bad time." "I'll..." "No, no." "Come on." "Emmy?" "Emmy Kadubic?" "Didi Clarkson." "Actually, it's Didi Wilde." "It has been for 10 years." "You've only been married for seven." "Well, I knew what I wanted." "Yes, even as a teenager." "I guess Steve's dad's a real step up from Principal Francy." "Well, you have to move up in life." "I heard you were homeless living in a tent or something." "(ALL LAUGH)" "Yes, I was living in a tent." "Because I was helping impoverished villagers in Peru." "But I'm here now." "So, apparently you've learned a little bit about gold digging as well." "Just the opposite, actually." "I am starting a nonprofit." "And I am one of her biggest donors." "Is that right?" "PUDDLE:" "It's not." "She just can't help herself." "Steve, I wouldn't really, because then, she might tell your father and..." "No, I want my birth-dad to know about this." "Really?" "Wow." "Well, yes, I was just coming downstairs to thank him again, because he's been so really wonderful." "Really wonderful." "Oh, you're just saying that to make me look good in front of my stepmom." "She's not your..." "Stop saying it like that!" "Please!" "Emmy, wait a second." "Sorry about that." "I'm actually really crazy about her." "God, this is so great to be able to talk about it with somebody who actually cares." "You know, I think that she's starting to really be impressed by me." "And I'm sure that making a sizable donation to her charity hasn't hurt either." "But it's weird, you know." "I feel like the more that I give away, the less I have, but the better I'll feel." "You know?" "Well, that's good." "Because your father already knows about the big donation you made, and that's why he sent me here." "You're being cut off." "Oh." "(VOMITS)" "PUDDLE:" "Steve had just heard the four words he dreaded hearing his whole life." "So that's it?" "I'm cut off?" "No more money?" "Your father sent me here to go over all of the books." "Show me the books." "The books?" "I don't have the books." "You have the books." "Of course I have the books." "But the checkbooks." "Those I'll need to see." "I don't have the checkbooks." "Check cards, credit cards." "All of that." "I don't have any of that stuff." "Well, how do you buy things?" "They just bring it over." "So that, and definitely that." "You have to pay, right?" "Well, I guess." "I mean, I thought they just gave me that stuff 'cause I'm rich." "I guess I'm just gonna have to stay here until I figure this out." "You know how your father is." "Yeah, but I just don't get it." "I mean, he knows that Emmy's staying here, right?" "He sure does." "And he knows about the gold-plated mountain bike with the diamonds in the chain for precision." "I'm sorry?" "Nothing." "Steve, you have to understand, your father just wants to make sure that Emmy is not taking advantage of you." "Let's face it, you can be pretty naive sometimes." "I am not naive." "The people who live under the house who think the entire world is my laundry room, they're naive!" "And trust me," "Emmy would never take advantage of me." "So I lied to Steve, so we can keep the money." "ANDY:" "Oh, that's okay, babe." "You know why?" "Because you know that you can do more good with that money, despite your little lie, than he ever will." "Yeah, right." "You're probably just saying that so I spring for your bail." "No, no, no, no." "It's all taken care of." "Check it." "I stuck my hand through the cage and had one of the badgers bite me, then they had to deport me because the badger was rabid." "I totally beat the system, babe!" "(GUNSHOT)" "Look, I know we've had our problems, but that's just 'cause we haven't been able to create anything together." "But with this money, babe, we can give birth to a wide-eyed, innocent, wet, wriggling little charity, and you know I'm hanging on to that placenta." "Placenta?" "It's what I call the non-taxable deferred interest on gains." "Yeah, well, I think it's gonna be a little harder than we thought." "I called the lawyer, and apparently, this cashier's check still isn't enough to get this nonprofit off the ground." "Well, just go back and ask Steve for more money." "I mean, you said it made him feel good about himself." "Yeah, that's true." "I've never seen him more up." "He was bragging about it to Didi, his stepmother whose approval he seems to want desperately." "I don't know, there's just something about his motives" "I don't quite trust." "His motives?" "I'll tell you what his motives are." "He's trying to impress you." "So let him think you're impressed." "Get more money." "PUDDLE:" "And so that's what my mom did." "It was just such an amazing gesture, and it shows how much you've grown." "To be able to proudly announce what you've done." "Knowing your father's feelings." "I mean, you are the kind of person I could really respect, no matter how much money you have." "Oh, well, it's really great to hear you put it that way." "You know, 'cause money really shouldn't matter." "No, charity comes from the..." "From the heart, you know?" "Wow, you're making this a little too easy to ask you for more money." "Am I?" "You need more money?" "For..." "For what?" "PUDDLE:" "And so my mom told another little lie." "Well, yes, I have some personnel changes, and the offices are growing." "And you did say that there was more where that came from." "Not a problem at all." "(LAUGHS)" "Thank you." "Okay." "Listen, I need money." "I mean, there's gotta be a way that you can get me just a little bit without my dad knowing, right?" "I mean, it's pocket change." "The cost of a bottle of wine or a smallish speed boat." "You know, Steve, you're very young and handsome." "I mean, I bet you have the stamina of Kenyan." "A north Kenyan, baby." "Good luck getting a south Kenyan to spend an entire day at a blood diamond camp." "The point is," "I have always been very attracted to you." "Nice!" "Thanks." "Very attractive." "Oh, well, you kind of have to say that." "You're my stepmom." "Always felt like we've had this sexual heat." "Yeah, well, you kind of have to say that, too." "No, that one was probably optional." "I want to spend the night with you." "I want to make love to you." "I've always wanted to." "If you do that with me, maybe I can get the money from your father." "Think about it." "(VOMITS)" "PUDDLE:" "Steve had been invited to a sleepover with his stepmom, but was nervous about it." "Can't believe that I'm actually thinking about saying yes." "Do you know what I'm potentially getting myself into, Migo?" "Sure, you're considering whoring yourself out and endangering your relationship with Emmy by sleeping with another woman." "Let alone, a woman she loathes." "No, I meant that I'm actually thinking about sleeping with my mom, but thanks for heaping that other stuff on." "Uh, stepmom." "But I have to do it." "I need the money." "Why don't you just tell her you can't get the extra money?" "'Cause Emmy finally respects me." "Ironically, it's for not caring what my dad thinks." "But I'm not willing to lose that." "Well, if you need some extra cash, maybe there's some large, unnecessary purchase that you've made recently that you can get rid of." "Large, unnecessary purchase?" "Migo, I can't think of a single..." "Oh, God." "PUDDLE:" "So Steve was going to give up something that meant everything to him for someone who meant even more." "Now, there is only one of these in the world, and it's a steal at just $25,000." "I will give you $8,000." "(LAUGHS) You're kidding me, friend." "Bro, please, hook me up." "(LAUGHS) Friend, friend, you're robbing me!" "Bro, bro..." "Friend, friend..." "PUDDLE:" "Of course, he couldn't let my mom see that he was in need of cash." "So he asked Fa'ad to sell it for him." "This is more than just a bicycle." "It is painted with gold leaf." "The chain is pure platinum." "It is worth $25,000, easily." "SHEIK: $16,000." "FA'AD: $25,000!" "$18,000." "$25,000!" "Is there really only one of these in the world?" "Yes." "Oh, I must have this bicycle." "STEVE:" "But you already do." "It's your bike already, remember?" "I'll give you $25,000!" "Friend, friend." "Bro, bro." "Friend, friend, $25,000!" "Sold." "Shake!" "Not you." "(LAUGHS) Now I have a better bike than you." "I have no bike." "I just sold you that." "Literally, any bike would be better than mine." "Excellent!" "Just let me move a few things around." "I have some cash flow problems." "But you'll get your money soon." "PUDDLE:" "But Andy had arrived earlier that day." "He overheard." "Great, I'm gonna need that money quickly, though." "Hey, don't bust my baklava, okay?" "You'll get it." "PUDDLE:" "So he went back up to the tree house to tell my mom." "Fine, I'll look into it." "Apparently, without an MBA as a managing director, it is very hard to get any of these real donors to take the charity seriously." "And this is not enough." "Well, what about the second check from Steve?" "Yeah, I don't have it yet, and even if I did, according to the lawyer, all the money we take in has to be invested to show the donors that we're fiscally blah, blah, blah." "This is..." "This is impossible!" "Ah, hang on." "I think I found the perfect investment." "I just saw Fa'ad, and... yeah, wait, is this one of those moustache vending machine things?" "No, look." "Rich people are overexposed, okay?" "I mean, they got money in the stock market, they're billionaires, but they can't get at it." "Okay, I mean, they're out there selling their bicycles, for God's sakes." "I mean, what they need is a one-week loan, and they are willing to pay for it." "So we're loan sharking?" "That's just one of those terms that people use to make a legitimate practice sound ugly." "You know, like, uh, eco-terrorist." "Or Peeping Tom." "You know?" "(CHUCKLES)" "I'm tellin' ya, this is it!" "(LAUGHS)" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "PUDDLE:" "So Andy contacted Fa'ad, and he brought him the cashier's check." "FA'AD:" "I won't be a moment, darling!" "What are you doing here?" "We have channels for this sort of thing." "Hey, man, do you want the money or not?" "Shh!" "I have a female here." "Just give me it." "PUDDLE:" "The lady was Steve's stepmom." "Hey, uh..." "Do you have an umbrella?" "Yes, I have thousands of them." "PUDDLE:" "So Fa'ad gave the cashier's check to Steve for the bike, and Steve was able to give another cashier's check to my mom." "Of course, neither of them realized it was the same cashier's check." "I got the second check from Steve." "So now, with the other cashier's check I gave you, we finally have enough money to get this thing up and running." "I don't have the other cashier's check." "I floated that one to the Arab." "So I guess I gotta go back to Steve and ask for more money." "Again." "Make the guy happy." "Do whatever you gotta do." "PUDDLE:" "This made my mom uncomfortable." "But she went back and asked Steve for another check." "(INAUDIBLE)" "Oh, of course." "PUDDLE:" "Which made Steve more uncomfortable." "And I guess that's when he decided to have the sleepover." "I've, uh, made up my mind." "For a large sum of money, you can have this." "Oh, mommy likey." "PUDDLE:" "I guess she wanted his clothes or something, too." "Okay, we have a deal." "But I'm not gonna give you the money until after we're done." "You understand." "Standard procedure." "I know how it works." "PUDDLE:" "But it turns out Didi didn't have that kind of cash on her, either, but she knew of a loan shark who did." "Hey, you the guy I was put on the phone with?" "Yeah." "Thanks for meeting me here." "But, uh, I can't loan you the money." "I promise I am good for it." "I am about to come into a lot of money." "Not my problem, sugar pants." "This is a sure thing." "I am about to secretly film my stepson and I together, and I am going to use it to extort him for everything he has." "To get back at my jerk of an ex-husband for dumping me." "There's only one guy I know deserves that treatment." "I wish it was him." "But, anyway, as I said, honey slacks, no loan for you." "PUDDLE:" "So Steve, determined not to let my mom down, got ready for his night with his stepmom." "And my mom, feeling guilty, decided to finally come clean." "DIDI:" "Hello?" "I'm looking for..." "Is this Didi?" "It is." "What can I do for you?" "Nothing." "I'm just looking for Steve, and I will climb down and find him." "Climb down?" "Are you in a tree?" "No." "I'm in a very tall building." "Taking stairs." "I mean, you know, I do that to stay in really great shape." "Oh, trying to catch Steve's eye?" "Think you might be a little late." "I'm sorry, late?" "Steve enjoys the finer things in life." "Especially when it comes to women." "Anyway, I'll be sure to tell him that you called, and maybe he'll be done by the time you get here." "But I doubt it." "PUDDLE:" "But, as it turns out, my mom was able to get there within the minute." "Migo!" "Where's Steve?" "Oh, he's taking a shower." "But he asks not to be disturbed." "Can I take him a message?" "Migo, why is he taking a shower?" "Tell me." "Because it makes him feel refreshed." "Migo, is Steve taking a shower because he's going to go and have sex with Didi?" "No, Emmy, you don't understand!" "He's only sleeping with Didi because he's broke." "Steve is broke?" "His father cut him off, and Didi is paying him for sex." "He doesn't have any money because he gave everything to you." "He's sleeping with Didi for you." "Oh, my God." "Didi?" "I know Didi." "How do you guys know Didi?" "How do you know Didi?" "She's that gross rich lady I've been telling you about." "You said that lady was extorting money from..." "Oh, my God." "Steve!" "Steve..." "You're being set up." "Your stepmom's going to extort you if you sleep with her." "What?" "No, no, no." "I'm not gonna sleep with my..." "Didi." "Can we call her Didi?" "I mean, for God's sakes, she's not my mom." "Steve, I know everything, okay?" "I know you were just doing this to save my charity, but there is no charity." "I lied." "I just didn't want you to know I was sitting around all day, being everything I've given you such a hard time about." "I'm..." "I'm so sorry." "Unbelievable." "Wow." "Well, I'm certainly glad that I turned Didi down." "You did?" "'Course I did." "I mean, I do have principles, you know." "You know, I called my dad, and I said," ""I don't care if I'm cut off." ""No, it's worth it, because I'd rather be poor" ""and support what I thought was a good cause-cause" ""than to sell out and..."" "No, no." "But, Steve, you weren't cut off." "Didi just made that up, so that you would give her your checkbooks and accounts so she could rip you off!" "Wait, so I still have all my money?" "Yes." "I was just gonna sleep with Didi for pleasure?" "Steve, I'm sorry." "Didn't you say you weren't going to sleep with her?" "I thought you said you were gonna turn her down." "Well, I have to lie about that." "I mean, if..." "If Gandhi slept with his stepmom, he'd lie about that." "Gandhi!" "Anyway, you're lying about a charity." "(SCOFFS)" "Well, I'm not sleeping with her now." "That's what I came to tell her!" "That I'm not gonna do it!" "Even though she's not my stepmom, so it wouldn't be creepy if I did!" "PUDDLE:" "But it would be creepy if, say, a neighbor thought he was getting paid to do it." "Oh, Fa'ad." "Oh, man, I really wanted that bicycle." "And she's paying me." "She's broke, man." "What?" "You mean I'm doing this for pleasure?" "PUDDLE:" "All I know is everybody felt guilty, and I somehow ended up with the most expensive bike in the world." "Aren't families the best?"