"# How will you make it on your own #" "# This world is awfully big #" "# And, girl this time you're all alone #" "# But it's time you started living #" "# It's time you let someone else do some giving #" "# Love is all around #" "# No need to waste it #" "# You can have the town Why don't you take it #" "# You might just make it #" "# After all #" "# You might just make it after all ##" "## [Whistling]" " Hi, Mary." " Hi, Milt." "How come Ted's gettin' so much mail lately?" "I guess it's in response to that editorial he did last week against junk mail." "He told people they could send in for printed copies." " You really wanna help stamp out junk mail?" " Yeah?" " Don't send out copies ofTed's editorial." " [Laughs] Yeah!" "Oh, no." "Not another rejection." " Yeah, I guess." " Oh, poor Murray." "He's been writing this play for three years." "You'd think Broadway producers would be sensitive enough to do more than just stick..." " mimeographed rejection slips in when they send it back." " What do you mean?" "You know, something like a nice, handwritten note saying," ""Good work, Murray." "Nice try." "Love, David Merrick."" "Well, when you shoot high like Murray's doing, you gotta expect to be disappointed." " I know." " What do you mean, you know?" "You don't think I want to stay in the mailroom all my life?" " I've got my eye on another job." " Oh?" "What job is that?" " Yours." " Oh." "Well, why not?" "No reason you couldn't be associate producer." "Yeah." "I like the title." "The work seems easy enough." "I just don't know if I can take the cut in pay." " Hi." " What do ya say, Milt?" " Good morning, Mr. Grant." " Hiya." " What?" "Another one, huh?" " Yeah." " That's bad." " I know." "Poor Murray." "No, not poor Murray, poor Lou." "You know he's been using our postage machine to mail these?" " I sure wish he'd stop this." " Oh, you don't mean that." " Oh, yes, I do." " Oh, come on, Mr. Grant." "What's wrong with Murray wanting to be a playwright?" "Look..." "Murray is a terrific newswriter." "He makes Ted Baxter sound almost intelligent." " What's wrong with doing that for a living?" " Well, nothing..." " What do you want to be?" " What do you mean?" "I gather you have some ambition beyond that of associate producer." "Well, just, you know, wife and mother." "But other than that, I'm perfectly happy doing what I'm doing." "Then you're the only one in the office, perhaps the whole building, maybe even the world." "Everybody wants to do something else." "Look." "This is a little, uh, something from Ted." "It's a television series idea called The Ted Baxter Show." " What's it about?" " Beats me." "All he submitted was the title." "I guess he thought I could just take it from there." "Here's an idea for an original musical comedy from Gordy the weatherman." "Fair and Warmer." "How is it?" "Predictable." "And here's the worst one of them all." "My novel." " Mr. Grant, you wrote this?" " Mm-hmm." "It's beautifully typed." "That's what the last publisher said." "I thought I was gonna be the new Norman Mailer or something." " What's it about?" " It's based on my experiences... on IwoJima and Guadalcanal." " Wow, that sounds exciting." " You wanna read it?" "Oh, yes, I'd really like that." "Twenty-two publishers used the word "dull."" "How could your experiences on IwoJima and Guadalcanal be called "dull"?" "Well, for one thing, I was there in 1958." " Morning, Mary." " Oh, hi, Murray." "Listen, I just, uh, made some fresh coffee over there." "Why don't you go have a cup?" "Gee, you know, we never see enough of each other." "How's Marie and all?" "She's, what, seven months along now?" "Why don't you come over to the house for dinner, say, Thursday?" " Where is it?" " On your desk." " Oh, boy." " Aw, come on, Murray." "Listen." "You know how many times Noel Coward's first play was turned down..." " before it was finally produced?" " How many?" "l-I don't know." "But I'll bet it was lots of times." " Not this many." " [Package Thuds]" "Murray, why do you wanna do that?" "It just seemed like the appropriate thing to do." "That's where it belongs." "It does not belong there." "I happen to like your play." "Then I'm glad they sent it back." "You can read it again." "I'll tell you one thing." "That is the thickest rejection letter I've ever gotten." " Murray..." " Go ahead..." "No, don't go ahead." "I know them by heart." ""Our schedule is full," or " We are not in the market for any new productions."" "How about, "And we are delighted to do your play"?" "Yeah, that one too." "What?" ""And we're delighted to do your play." ""We plan to go into rehearsal within the next few weeks." ""Enclosed are the standard Dramatist Guild contracts for your signature." ""The Twin Cities Playhouse is proud to have a play of this caliber... by a promising new local playwright as part of our 17 th season."" " Oh, Murray!" " Mary!" "[Chuckling]" "Wait a minute." "I don't remember submitting my play to the Twin Cities Playhouse." " Are you sure?" " Yeah." " How do you suppose they got it?" " [Ted] Hi, guys." " Hi." " Say, Murray, I just read this item I think we should use." "It's about a man who went on television to make a plea to send turkeys to convicts." "For pets or for dinner?" "I don't know." "I think it was in "Ar-kansas."" "Yeah, I think they're doing the same thing in Arkansas too." "How do you like that?" "It's spreading from state to state." "Speaking of turkeys, uh, Ted, last year when you acted in that production..." " of The Man Who Came to Dinner, what was the name of that theater group?" " Ah." "The Twin Cities Playhouse." "I'm their resident star." "I'm the only really big name they've got." "Ted, did you know they're gonna do Murray's play?" "Oh, are they?" "Good." "I was hoping they might." "I submitted it to them." " Where did you get your hands on it?" " In the mailroom." "I accidentally came across it when I was going through my fan mail." "I was halfway through it before I realized it was your play." " You read the whole script?" " Well, most of it." "I'm surprised it held your interest that long." " It doesn't have any pictures." " Come on, Murray." "The point is, Ted submitted it, and they're gonna do it." "That's the important thing." "It's important to me too." "You see, I'll undoubtedly play the lead." "If you'd like some tickets, Murr, I might arrange it for you." "Maybe he won't be too bad." "The star of the play that I worked on for three years... can't pronounce the names of states." " Oh." " [Knocking] - [Rhoda] Mary?" " Mary, you in there?" " Yeah." "Come on in, Rhoda." "Mary, I haven't seen you all week." "Where've you been?" "Why don't you call me?" "Do you care that I was worried sick about you?" "Wait, don't answer." "I left home because of questions like that." " Okay." "I won't answer." " Good." "So, where have you been?" "Tonight, for example?" "I was, uh, at the theater." "They don't dress up much for that anymore, do they?" "What'd you see?" " Well, I didn't exactly see anything." " Bad seats?" "No." "Oh, Rhoda, if I tell you, you'll make a whole big deal out of it." "I'll make a whole big deal out of it if you don't tell me." "That's true." " Well, I'm in, uh... sort of a play." " Oh." "I didn't tell you, because I knew if I did you'd start putting it down." " Why would I do that?" " Because you're very, uh..." " Competitive?" " Well, yeah." "You're wrong." "I'm very pleased you got a big part in a play." "Terrific." "So what did you have to do to get it?" "What happened is that Murray wrote a play about a newsroom, and there's a part in it, a girl who works there... who's single and whose name is Mary." " Wonder why they thought of you." " [Laughs]" "Well, what's she like, this girl in the play?" "Real cute and perky, right?" "Uh, well, yeah." "Ted Baxter talked me into auditioning for the part, and I got it." "You know, it's really kind of fun." "I'm having a lot of fun with it." "You know, Mary, I've had quite a bit of theatrical experience myself." "Oh, really?" "No, I didn't know that." " Barbra Streisand and I went to high school together." " Uh-huh." "We did." "Well, not exactly together." "She was there three years after I was." "But it was definitely the same high school." "Well, with all that, uh, theatrical background, then," "[Chuckles] you undoubtedly know it's not all tinsel and glitter, right?" "I mean, Rhoda, look, I do have to memorize this play by day after tomorrow, so..." "Oh." "You know, Mary, it gets, uh, lonely at the top." "At least that's what Barbs always used to tell me." "Rhoda, would you do me a favor?" "Please don't start treating me like I'm in show business." "I'm still working in the newsroom." "This is just something I'm doing for fun." " Okay." "Good night, Mary." " Good night." "So what are you gonna change your name to?" " Good morning, Mary." " Hi, Murray." "I thought rehearsal went pretty well last night, didn't you?" "Well, it's coming along, except for Ted." "You know, you're really very good." "You've got a real flair for comedy." "Oh, thanks." "I had a little stage experience in college." " Oh?" "Like what?" " I was a homecoming princess." " That's terrific training all right." " Yeah." "Well, who needs experience when the part is that good?" " I mean, it's so funnily written." " Hey, thanks." " Hey, Murray?" " Hmm?" " Do you really think I'm that dumb?" " What are you talking about?" "Well, it can't be a coincidence." "The girl I play has my name, she works at my job and is pretty much of a, you know, dum-dum." "Mary, it isn't you." "Sure, the character is somewhat like you in some ways." "But I made that stuff up about her being a dum-dum for the sake of the comedy." "Look, I'm a writer." "Some of it is like you and some of it isn't." "Wh" " What about the part about her being, uh, attra-attractive?" " That was based on you." " Oh, yeah?" "Thank you." "Murray." "I took the liberty of reading your script last night, and it's very good." " Thank you, Lou." " Very good." "However, I'm a little confused about the character... who's the head of the newsroom." "Believe he's called "Lou."" "Every time he speaks, he seems to be yelling or shouting." "Does somebody around here named Lou do that?" "Mr. Grant, Murray is a writer." "Some of it is like you and some of it isn't." "Oh, I see." "I was certain that was it." "I was also fairly certain that in your rewrite... you'd change the name of that character." " You know, I intended to do that." " I thought you'd might." "Thank you." "Oh, Murr." "Heh!" "I'm having a little disagreement with the director." "He refuses to put up applause signs." "Uh, Ted, I don't think they have applause signs in the theater." "Then how do the people know when to laugh or applaud?" "In your case, it might be a problem." "Another thing, Murr." "I think the script needs a little pinching up." "You mean "punching up," and who said it needs punching up?" "My lines are a little weak." "Everybody's getting laughs but me." "Work on it, will ya, Murr?" "I've gotta have it all put on cue cards pretty soon." " If there is nothing else, I have work to do." " About my part, the anchorman." "I'm sure it'd be easy to punch it up a little." "It's so rich with material." "Actually, it was the hardest part to write." " Oh?" "Why's that?" " Because, Ted, basically," "I consider anchormen to be colorless and dull." "Many of them are." "Work on it anyway, will you, Murr?" "This must be fun for you, seeing your play come alive like this." "Come on, Murray." "There are some good points about Ted being in the play." " Name one." " Well, like, he got it produced for you in the first place." " Name one." " Come on, Murray." "It's your play." "People are finally gonna see it." " You had to say that?" "The fewer people who'll see it, the better." " Oh!" "Oh, Murr, I just remembered." "I think I have a marvelous surprise for you." " You have a case of laryngitis coming on?" " Oh, no!" "I have pulled off the coup of the year." "I arranged forJohn Stymetz to come see us opening night." "That's good." "At least we'll have one person there." "Happens to be the drama critic for the Times-Herald." "Pulled a couple of strings, and he's coming to review us." "Mary, remember how rotten I felt..." " when I thought my play was being rejected again?" " Uh-huh." "Well, looking back on that now," "I think it was a high point of my career." "Believe me, Mary, I'm not putting you on." "You were really good." "And you know how competitive I am." "I was just playing myself, Rhoda... cute and perky and dumb." "Hey, you want to know how good you were?" "You were so good, I was filled with hate and envy." " You're not just saying that?" " No, I mean it." "Thanks." "Boy, oh, boy." "That Ted Baxter?" " I now have a new standard for terrible." "Oh!" " Yeah." "I can't imagine what that critic is gonna say about it." "Maybe I better tell you now." "Sort of soften the blow." "I was sitting next to him, and he kept taking notes." "He was writing down words like "bad" and "awful"... and a couple I don't think they'll print." "No, Rhoda, I saw where you were sitting." "It was next to the director." " Hey, will you give me a hand?" " Sure, whatever." " Put this dip on the table." " Mary, I think one is plenty." "From what I could hear, not that many people are gonna come to the party." "How'd you get stuck giving a cast party anyway?" "In New York, we'd all go to Sardi's and wait for the reviews." "Hey, that's a great idea." "Let's go to New York and wait for the review." " [Doorbell Buzzing]" " I'll get it." " Thanks." "Hey, listen, no matter what you think, you were terrific tonight." "Coming!" "Hi, Ted." " We were just talking about you." " Thank you." "Thank you." "Ted, you've met my friend, Rhoda Morgenstern, haven't you?" " Yes, we've met." " No, I don't believe we have." "I guess I've met you, but you haven't met me." "I guess that's it." "Oh, what did you think of me tonight?" "Well, uh, Ted, you were, uh, just incredible." " Oh, ho!" "You're too generous." " Yes." "Say, Mar, I lost track." "How many curtain calls were there?" " One." " [Buzzing]" " That must be Murray and Marie." " [Ted] I'll bet he's a happy man tonight." "[Sighs] Hi!" "Author!" "Author!" "[Chuckling]" "Where are your friends?" "The ones that were with you at the theater?" " They had to go home." " It was right after the first act." "Oh, what a darling apartment." " I thought that the play went just great, didn't you, Mary?" " Oh..." "Murray wrote quite a play." "I'm so proud of you, honey. [Laughs]" " And you were really just great, Mary." " Well, with a part like that..." "Oh, ho!" "[Clears Throat]" "Uh, what did you think of me?" "You were just... unbelievable." "Thank you, thank you." "What did you think, Murr?" " You were..." "everything I expected you to be." " Thank you, thank you." " Well, can I get a drink for anyone?" " Nothing for me, Mar." " I'd love some milk." " I'll have a double scotch." " He's drinking for two." " Oh!" "The only good thing is, he or she wasn't here to see the play." "You know, I think it went awfully well tonight." "I'm sorry I forgot a few lines, but I think I ad-libbed my way out of it very neatly." "Ted, saying "excuse me" and walking off the stage... to check your script is not an ad-lib!" " By the way, Mary, where's Lou?" " He stopped off at the Times-Herald to pick up the reviews." " Oh." "Is there such a thing as a triple scotch?" " Oh..." "Say, Mar, you're too modest." "Why didn't you come out with me for that second bow?" "Because I thought we were supposed to wait until someone applauded." "I'll get your milk." " What are you doing in here?" " Trying to think of a new word to tell Ted... if he asks me again what I thought of his acting." "I've run out of noncommittal ways of saying "rotten."" "Would you just get out there?" "I invited you here because you're fun at a party." "I'm fun at a party where there's a lot of single men, and you do what my mother used to refer to as "mixing."" "I am not fun at a party where one of the men is here with his pregnant wife, and the other one is going steady with himself." "Would you just please go out there and get the conversation started?" " But just don't bring up anything that has anything to do with acting." " Gotcha." "Hi, all." "Did any of you know that I went to high school with Barbra Streisand?" "Who?" "Mary!" "And then, when Barbra and I were in the tenth grade, we started harmonizing together." "That's when I told her. "Barbs," I said, "don't get your nose fixed."" "And the rest, of course, is history." "Mar, what did you think of me?" "Oh, Ted..." "playing opposite you was just..." " [Buzzing]" " Thank you." " Mr. Grant, how's the review?" " Well..." "He loved it, right?" "What'd he say?" "What'd he say?" " I can't find it." "Where is it?" " Reviews aren't on the front page, Ted." "It's on page 26." ""Tragedy Strikes Twin Cities."" "Wait a minute." "That's not it." "There." " "Bomb Hits Minneapolis."" " That's it." ""There's been the atomic, there's been the hydrogen..." ""and now, the worst bomb of them all," ""a play about a newsroom called All Work and No Play." "I'll vouch for the second part." "There's no play here."" "How does he like it so far?" "Mary, why don't you read the rest of it so Ted can hear it?" ""Not everything about the evening was a catastrophe." ""The intermission was satisfactory." " " The main character is a TV anchorman..." " I want absolute quiet." "If I were you, I'd ask for noise." ""played by an actor named Ted Baxter..." ""who obviously has no conception of what a TV anchorman is like." "Maybe it was a mistake to make him pay for his ticket." ""As you all know, I have long been an opponent of nudity on the stage." ""However, in this case, I would make an exception." ""At least it would give the audience something to look at." "He didn't even like my suit." "As for the performance of Mary Richards..."" "Oh... well..." "Oh, ho-ho-ho, can't take a little criticism, eh?" "Well, if Murray can take it and I can take it, you can take it." "Listen to this. "A s for the performance of Mary Richards, she was the one adequate note in a dismal evening."" "He liked her." "So, Marie, what are you hoping for?" "A boy or girl?" "Oh, yes." " Morning, Murray." " Hi." "What's the matter?" "Nothing's the matter." "Everything's great." "I'm an ex-playwright, okay?" "Or as John Stymetz so aptly put it, a"playwrong."" " It's a good play, Murray." " John Stymetz didn't think so." " So?" "He's only one person." " But he told half a million." "That doesn't mean they'll all believe it." "No?" "My sister already canceled her tickets for tonight." "Murray, I can't believe that you're going to let... one man's opinion really get to you like this." "I mean, you have to trust yourself." "You must know your play is good, even if the production was lousy." "A writer has to know these things." "Like, I wrote a book, and I don't care what anyone says." "I know my book... is rotten." "Lou, I don't want to discuss last night anymore." "I'm a lucky guy." "I enjoy this crummy job." " What's so bad about being a no-talent failure?" " Ohh!" "Good morning, everybody." "See how beautiful being called "adequate" is?" "Murray, if what I have here doesn't make you feel better, then nothing will." "I don't think Norman Vincent Peale's gonna do it for me today, thanks." "These are books of play reviews, including some ofJohn Stymetz's more memorable criticisms... when he was reviewing plays in New York." " [Lou] Mary, what are you doing?" " Would you just listen, please?" ""In my time, I have been to some funerals and even a couple of wakes," ""but last night was a first for me." ""I watched an actual death, a happy little number... that should take a hint and expire quickly, Death of a Salesman. "" " You're kidding." " No." "It's right there." "Listen to this little beauty." ""If you love George Bernard Shaw coupled with great music," ""I suggest you put Mozart on your phonograph and read Pygmalion." ""But don't go to see an abomination called..." " My Fair Lady. "" " My Fair Lady." "Lou, he hated My Fair Lady!" "[Chuckling]" "He hates everything!" "Wait till I read you what he said about Richard Burton's Hamlet." " He didn't like Burton?" " He didn't like the play!" "John Stymetz hasn't liked one major Broadway hit... in the ten years he's been reviewing plays." " He hates everything." " What did I tell you, Murray?" "But I wanted to be the first thing he liked." "Murray, the point is, he has been wrong every time." "I wonder..." "Does that mean that I wasn't even adequate?" "Hi, guys." "Hey, listen to this." ""Last night a new star was born in Minneapolis." ""His name is Ted Baxter, and the Twin Cities has rarely witnessed such a virtuoso performance."" " Ted, that's fantastic." " I know." "Now if I can only get someone to print it." "Thank you." "Thank you." "[Mews]"