"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend"" "Oh, there it is." "Ma, what are you doing with my résumé?" "Punching it up." "How's this?" ""1946 - 1984:" "Took part in extensive anthropological research."" "Why "anthropological research?"" "Because it's better than saying" ""married to a baboon for 38 years."" "Look, Ma, if I'm going to get this job as vice-principal," "I'm gonna get it honestly" "Ooh, girls, I have a date with the most cultured, urbane, sophisticated man in the whole world!" "You know George "Goober" Lindsey?" "Even more sophisticated, Rose." "His name is Donald Parker Everett." "He's the new curator at the museum." "Oh, Blanche." "Honey, it's not a good idea to go out with someone you work with." "Oh, come on, Dorothy." "I've heard you talk about Ted the track coach, how sexy and virile he is." "Just talk." "I wouldn't dream of going after him." "Even if she did, he'd easily outrun her." "(laughing hysterically)" "Rose, it's not that funny." "I know." "I think I better keep the lid on this paint thinner." "Dorothy, I can't finish this picture." "Why not?" "I can't paint a horse from memory." "What you need is a model." "I know a place where you can see a horse." "I know a place where you can see horses and lots of little men in silk pants with whips." "Or you could go to the racetrack instead." "Well, that could be fun!" "What do you say, Dorothy?" "Um, I don't think so." "I haven't been to the track in 15 years." "Oh, go on, Dorothy, take her." "It'll be a fun afternoon and Rose can memorize a horse." "I'd rather not." "Oh, Dorothy, please." "Come on, be a pal." "I'd do it for you." "Why can't you go by yourself?" "I'm afraid to go to the track by myself." "You always meet a lot of lecherous guys out for a good time who think they can impress you by throwing their money around." "Oh, damn!" "I wish I didn't have to go to work today." "Well, Dorothy, you go." "You can relax and take your mind off your job interview tomorrow afternoon." "Oh, all right." "Oh, good!" "I, uh, I would lend you my pass to the jockeys' lounge, but you don't want to date a jockey." "The sex is over too fast, and afterwards the only nice thing they have to say to you is," ""Good girl, good girl."" "Sophia, I've decided to wear this little watch on a chain, nestled cunningly in my cleavage." "What other accessories do I need?" "Implants." "Dorothy's parking the car." "I have to get a horse in this picture while it's still fresh in my mind." "I don't know whether to paint Old Silver, the horse who brought the news to St. Olaf that the British had no intention of coming or Old Brisker, the horse who, because of a printing error on the ballot slips," "was elected water commissioner for six months." "Hi." "Hi!" "Did you have fun at the track?" "You went to the track?" "Oh, we had a wonderful day." "And thanks to Dorothy's expert tips," "I made enough money to buy more art supplies." "Dorothy, I want to see you in the kitchen." "I'm sorry, Ma, I'm a little busy." "Fine." "I'll eat a bowl of chili and we'll talk later, in your bedroom." "Coming, Mother." "What the hell were you doing at the racetrack?" "Oh, Ma, come on, you're making too much of this." "I haven't gambled in 15 years." "And I didn't put down any bets for myself today, either." "It was just nice to know that I could still pick a winner." "This from a woman who's got a Dukakis bumper sticker covering up her Mondale bumper sticker?" "Look, Ma, I admit that once I did have a small gambling problem." "A small problem?" "You bet against your own son's Little League team!" "Ma, I had to." "I knew that their star pitcher had after-school detention." "You were his teacher, you gave him detention." "Of all the things you could have inherited from your father, you had to pick this damn gambling disease." "Oh, Ma, will you get off my back?" "You don't have to worry about me." "I had a nice day at the track, and that's that." "And Pop did not have a problem." "Dorothy, I spent too many years denying your father's addiction." "He was a gambler to his dying day." "In fact, his last words were," ""10 bucks says I don't need this oxygen tank."" "(doorbell)" "Why, Donald." "I see by my watch that you're right on time." "You're looking lovely." "Thank you." "I'll just get my purse, and we'll go." "Oh, this is my roommate, Rose." "Hello." "Blanche, Before you leave, will you take a look at this horse and tell me if it looks like Old Brisker is pulling the beer wagon?" "Honey, why don't you ask Donald to look at Old Brisker?" "He knows a lot about art." "I'd be happy to." "It's quite good." "It's an interesting primitive." "In fact, it makes me think of Grandma Moses." "She must have been pretty strong to do the work of a Clydesdale." "You really can't blame her, Donald." "She doesn't work in the museum the way we do." "I call them Winter of St. Olaf, and Spring of St. Olaf, and Summer of St. Olaf." "Why haven't you painted the Fall of St. Olaf?" "Because it hasn't happened yet." "Although we came pretty close when new math came along." "Rose, I think he's referring to autumn." "Donald, maybe we'd better go." "You know, Rose, we have a special section set aside for local artists." "When you finish the series, maybe we could hang them in the museum." "Wow!" "Hanging in the museum?" "Well, none of my relatives ever hung in a museum." "Oh, wait." "Uncle Gustav." "Well, actually, he hung in the barn." "But that was only when he discovered his horse had defeated him for water commissioner." "Oh, so you're studying for your interview?" "Uh-huh." "I know it's a lot of added responsibility, but I really want this job." "Then why are you reading the racing form?" "The racing form?" "Why would you think I'm reading the racing form?" "You can't lie to your mother." "Mothers always know when you lie." "Don't you think I knew what your brother Phil was doing in the bathroom when he said he was oiling his baseball glove?" "He was working on his Simplicity patterns." "Well, good night." "Sleep tight." "See you in the morning light." "It's the best light to paint by, you know." "Oh, I like this painting." "And I'm getting better at it all the time." "Pretty soon I'll be able to copy" "St. Olaf's most famous religious painting," "The Last Pancake Breakfast." "Blanche!" "Honey, what's wrong?" "You're shaking." "I have been humiliated and degraded." "Many times." "You just figured it out now?" "The evening started off wonderfully." "Donald took me to a beautiful restaurant, and he ordered everything in French, which totally confused our waiter, Chip." "Then he took me dancing, and he was a perfect gentleman." "Get to the humiliation and degradation part." "Then I suggested we go back to his place." "When we got there, I went to the bathroom to freshen up." "After I had removed all of my clothes I noticed his monogrammed velour bathrobe hanging there." "Thinking only of his pleasure, I decided to slip into it." "Oh, God, I looked so fetching." "I could not wait for him to see me." "So I emerged, framed in the doorway, and slowly let the bathrobe slide from my perfect body." "And you know what he said to me?" ""Put your clothes back on." "I'm gonna take you home."" "How could I ever look him in the eye?" "Why, I'll never be able to go back to work again." "Oh! "Put your clothes back on"?" "That's the first time anybody's ever said that to me." "Well, without shining a flashlight in my face." "Hello?" "I'm Dorothy Zbornak." "I have an appointment about the vice-principal's job." "Yes, unfortunately my car broke down, and I'm stuck here at the auto mechanic's." "Is there any way that Mr. Pratt could see me later this afternoon?" "He could?" "4:45 would be perfect." "Thanks so much." "I'll see you then." "$20 to win on Ma's Mouth." "It's a hunch." "Hi." "You're still painting out there?" "Yeah." "But I'm having trouble." "I don't know." "I think it's impossible to paint autumn in St. Olaf." "How come?" "Maybe it's because of the horrible" "St. Olaf falling leaf story." "Please, Rose." "If this is a story about a man named Leif," "I don't want to hear it." "It's not that long..." "No." "It has a surprise ending." "All right, Rose." "Just the ending, but keep it short." "Splat." "Hi, girls." "Hi, Blanche." "You're not gonna go to work dressed like that, are you?" "No, Rose." "I'm gonna put on pumps instead of slippers." "Why does she even ask such things?" "I'll allow the question." "No, Rose." "I'm not going to work." "Oh, girls, I just can't!" "Donald will be there." "Blanche, you're gonna have to face that man sometime." "Look, I appreciate your concern, Rose, but I will not go into that museum today." "I have my dignity." "I have my pride." "Oh, Blanche, your copy of Slung magazine just arrived." "Ooh." "Dorothy Zbornak, you're in big trouble." "What?" "What did I do?" "You lied to me, that's what you did." "I was going through your purse and look at what I found." "Betting slips." "You went to the track again." "How could you, Dorothy?" "I spent the best years of my life trying to give you a sense of moral responsibility." "Ma, what were you doing in my purse?" "Stealing." "But, Dorothy, weren't you supposed to interview for that vice-principal's job yesterday?" "I rescheduled." "For when?" "All right, I rescheduled and then I missed the appointment." "Dorothy, it's happening again." "You're losing control." "Ma, I really didn't want that job anyway." "I don't need that kind of pressure in my life." "You know what you're gonna wind up with in your life?" "Nothing." "Then what are you gonna do?" "Sponge off your kids?" "Move in with them?" "Have them take care of you?" "OK, bad example." "But I'm telling you, Dorothy, this is gonna ruin your life." "Well, Dorothy, I'm worried about you..." "Oh, please, don't you start." "I had a problem 15 years ago." "That's a long time." "I've learned a little something since then." "A lot has happened." "And I've lived with the temptations." "Well, isn't that something?" "You think you know somebody, then you find out something like this." "Hard to believe." "I'll say." "To think Dorothy's lived with The Temptations." "I've never even been to one of their concerts." "(breathing heavily)" "Rose, what are you doing?" "I heard the creative process is a lot like giving birth, so I'm doing my Lamaze breathing." "Oh." "For a minute there, I thought I wasn't the only one with the invisible man fantasy." "I am so uptight." "I mean, Donald's expecting this painting, and I really don't want to let him down." "Listen, after what he did to me, feel free to let him down." "You know, Blanche, I was thinking about that story you told us about you and Donald." "You mean when I dropped my robe and stood there in all my nakedness and asked him for a romp?" "Right." "I was wondering if maybe you were too direct?" "In what way?" "How can I explain this?" "OK." "You see this little possum in my St. Olaf painting?" "Well, every year she goes into her mating ritual, and gives off little signals." "I mean, she releases a scent, she changes the way she stands, she makes tiny little whistling noises." "I do that." "Yes, but don't you see?" "That's all she does." "I mean, she plays hard to get." "And believe me, it works." "I mean, men find her very attractive." "You mean males?" "No, I mean men." "Blanche, I need you to take me to the eye doctor." "It's time for a new prescription." "I thought Dorothy was taking you." "I don't know any Dorothy." "She's your daughter, Sophia." "I'm being dramatic, you moron." "I mean, I spit at the name Dorothy." "I have no daughter." "I have no spit." "Honey, can't you go to the eye doctor tomorrow?" "Please!" "I can hardly see my own hand in front of my face." "That's my hand, Sophia." "Oh, thank God." "I saw so many liver spots," "I thought I was being attacked by a Dalmatian." "Dorothy Zbornak." "Yeah, listen." "I need to place another bet." "I'll get that money to you tomorrow." "No, I'm good for it." "Listen, there's a horse that looks good to me at Hialeah today." "Salisbury Shrew, in the second race." "Make it a hundred." "(Sophia) Let's go, Dorothy." "Oh, I gotta go." "Thanks, Frank." "Sophia, why are you up?" "Same reason you're up." "You're filled with anxiety?" "I'm old." "I'm not old." "Oh, forgive me." "I'm supposed to support your vain, narcissistic fantasy that you're still in your forties." "It's either that or a big rent raise." "Hi, you guys." "What are you doing up?" "Sophia's old, and I'm filled with anxiety." "Blanche, you can't stay home from work forever." "Can't you just swallow your pride?" "There's no room for it." "She just scarfed down a bag of Chips Ahoy." "Why are you insulting me?" "It's a defense mechanism." "I guess it's to hide my feelings when I'm deeply upset." "Oh, well, I understand." "In that case, I won't take it personally." "Thanks, you human mattress." "I'm sorry." "I'm just so worried about Dorothy." "I keep remembering how bad it was the last time she let this gambling thing take over her life." "There was nothing I could do." "That's when she hit bottom." "What happened?" "Because of her gambling debts, she had to borrow money from loan sharks, and she couldn't pay it back." "She came to me crying because she was gonna lose her house." "The only way we could get the money was with Sal's life insurance." "So you killed Sal?" "Of course not." "By the way, what kind of policy do you have?" "Well, we cashed in the policies and paid the sharks off." "But I didn't give Dorothy the money until she agreed to go to Gambler's Anonymous." "I can understand now why you're deeply upset." "Thanks, you human speed bump." "Sorry." "(both) We understand." "(phone rings)" "I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it." "Hello?" "Yes, Frank, I am aware of that." "No, I'll have the money to you today." "Cash." "Of course." "Dorothy, I need a fresh eye." "Does this look any good to you?" "It's great." "You didn't even look at it." "I'll bet you can't even tell me what it is." "Well, of course I can, Rose." "It's..." "What the hell is it, Rose?" "That's it." "I don't think I want to paint for the museum any more." "Whatever you want." "It's making me a nervous wreck." "I used to love painting." "Now it's getting to be an obsession." "And obsessions can be dangerous." "That's just because you're prone to them." "Some people aren't." "Where the hell is the racing form?" "Gee, I don't know." "Why do you need it?" "I don't." "It's not important." "Actually, Rose, I need cash." "Quick." "And I'm up to my limit at the automated teller." "Is this about the phone call you just received?" "The phone..." "Yes, yes." "It was the paperboy." "I forgot to pay him last week." "How much do you need?" "$250." "Isn't that kind of a lot for the paperboy?" "Rose, the truth is..." "The truth is, I need the money... so my mother can have an operation." "Sophia needs an operation?" "Well, not an actual operation." "She's just going to have her face done." "How's she gonna get it done?" "Southwestern, Rose." "Look, Rose, I need the money." "You're just going to have to trust me." "Well, of course I trust you." "You're my best friend." "You can take everything I have." "Well, don't give me everything you have." "I mean, all I need is a couple hundred bucks, you know, so that I can..." "Oh, you don't owe me any explanation." "Here." "I want you to take my bank card, and take as much money as you need, and pay me back whenever you can." "Oh, thanks a lot." "And don't you worry," "I'll have this money back before you know it." "Oh, no hurry." "I trust you completely." "Yeah, well..." "Rose, I mean, you shouldn't trust anyone completely." "Dorothy, if I can't trust you, whom can I trust?" "You're practically a sister to me." "Yeah, well, sisters often lie, Rose." "And even best friends take advantage of each other occasionally." "I don't think so." "Rose, you should." "You're being very naive." "I'm not naive." "Yes, you are." "You are being naive now." "Don't you see?" "I'm stealing your money." "I know, Dorothy." "But I was hoping you'd have a hard time taking advantage of somebody who cares about you as much as I do." "I need help, Rose." "Oh, God, I hate the lying!" "Dorothy, I lied to you, too." "You could never have used that bank card." "You don't have my personal identification number." "And you'd never guess it in a thousand years." "Rose, honey, it's right here." "You've written it on the card." "Well, that's because I have trouble guessing it, too." "So then I went up to the podium, and I said," ""My name is Dorothy, and I have a gambling problem."" "You know, when I left Gambler's Anonymous 15 years ago," "I thought I'd never have to say those words again." "Well, let's hope this time you get cured." "Ah, you're never really cured, Rose." "You just have to learn to live each day just one day at a time." "Well, of course you do, Dorothy." "If you took them two at a time you'd end up constantly changing your underwear." "Go ahead, stand up and say it." ""My name is Rose, and I'm an idiot."" "Oh, hi, girls." "Ah, Blanche, you're finally dressed!" "Yeah, I went back to work." "Good for you!" "And you know what I found out the reason Donald rejected me was?" "He has this strict personal rule against getting involved with anybody he's working with." "I told you." "Yeah." "Well, anyway, he knew it was either violate this rule of his, or quit his job and come after me." "So that's what he did, he quit!" "And then he asked me to go out with him." "And what did you say?" "Well, I've decided to take Rose's advice." "I'm playing hard to get, like that little possum in your story." "Did I mention the part where you hang upside down from the tree?" "I can do that."