"(Audience) hello." "(Audience) Yes." "(Audience shouts) Yes!" "(Man in audience) No." "(Audience) How does he smell?" "(In Jamaican accent) Jimmy Carr." "(Smattering of applause)" "(applause)" "(Cheering)" "(Cheering, whooping and whistling)" "(Cheering and applause)" "Thanks very much." "I always feel guilty at the beginning of a show." "You've all clapped and whooped." "I've done nothing so far." "I walked from over there." "It was easy." "Anyone could've done it." "You could have done it." "Maybe not you, but most of you." "I feel guilty because you've given so much, I've done so little." "What if I'm shit?" "Don't panic, I'm not." ""close to comedy genius."" "The Guardian." "It's a newspaper for teachers." "I don't expect you to understand." " I am Jimmy Carr off the telly." " (Cheering)" "I know that because people say to me, "Jimmy Carr, off the telly."" "That tends to be less a description, more of a request." "Fine." "Swimming's good for you." "especially if you're drowning." "Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, you also don't die." "Two ticks." "I said to my girlfriend, "You shouldn't eat before you go swimming." She said, "Why?"" "I said, "You look fat."" "I've a friend whose nickname is Shagger." "You might think, "That's pretty cool."" "She doesn't like it." "You know those anti-AIDS red ribbons?" "You don't see so many of them around now." "Hm." "That is because these so-caIIed anti-AIDS ribbons actually offer no protection." "You think you're upset, I found out from a bloke in the gents." "That joke makes me sound a bit gay." "I'm not." "I realise I'm wearing the kind of shirt that's often lifted." "When I was 19, my own mum was convinced I was gay." "It's difficult to convince your mum you're not gay." "till we got a camcorder, I was fucked." "But I'm what's referred to as "a gay-friendIy act"." "I'm a gay-friendIy act." "I was asked last November to judge Mr Gay UK." "I said, "It would be my pleasure." "It's against nature, against God and he's going to hell."" "It's almost impossible to offend a homosexual man." "You know, because let's face it, if they're doing that for fun..." "If your idea of a good time is a cock in your arse, what do you care?" "We've all thought about gay sex." "You've thought about it, haven't you, sir?" " No." " No?" "You haven't thought about gay sex?" "You just leapt in there and fucked him." "I admire your honesty, sir, your bravery." "I've thought about gay sex." "I've thought, "Eurgh, my cock'd get covered in poo."" "You're sniggering." "What's your name, blonde lady who...?" "Vicky." "Move along!" "Move along?" "What are you saying, Vicky?" "Dance for me, monkey boy?" " Is he your fella?" " (Vicky) Oh, God." "Don't start that." "Move on." "What do you mean?" "He's either your fella or he isn't." "Is he your fella?" "Sorry, she's saying yes..." "and you're saying no and you've gone really red and you look really embarrassed." " They're fuck buddies." " They're fuck buddies?" "(applause, whistling and cheering)" "(Jimmy) Ohhh, I see!" "How very modern." "How very 2005." "So you're not going out with each other, but you are fuck buddies." "That is fantastic." "Can we just all take a moment to congratulate that man there?" "(Cheering and whistling)" "A Iot of work has gone into that." "He's had to buy her cosmopolitan for a couple of years." " My parents are going to watch this." " And they'II know you're a dirty little hussy!" "The great thing is he's convinced you, "We don't need a relationship." "It's so..." ""It's so oId-fashioned." "I should be able to sleep with whoever I want." ""And so should you, as long as it's just me..." "when I say."" " There must be something else going on." " Yeah, there'II be a Iot of jokes." "It's not every day I get to talk to a slag." "Come on!" "Now..." "I don't know where the mark is until I overstep it." "That's my..." " You just did." " You just did." "That is juvenile." "That..." "Sorry, for those of you that didn't see that." "It'II be on the DVD." "available at all good car boots." "Vicky's response to that..." "Yeah, she's been called a slag at a show." "That's not good and I apologise for that." "But did you really need to do that?" "God bless you." "I was doing a gig and I asked a girl where she was from." "She said, "I'm from outside Birmingham."" "I said, "really?" "So am I. What part of Birmingham aren't you from?"" "At what point" " I'm asking the men - do you get paranoid about receiving "enlarge your penis" emails?" "It's not just me getting them, is it?" "It's just that I'm currently getting about ten a day." "Eight of them are from my girlfriend." "It's the two from my mum that really hurt." "That's a rather pitying look you're giving me, madam." "I don't need your pity." "I'm not particularly well hung, but I'm not embarrassed or ashamed." "I know that any woman that thinks being well hung is important is just shallow." "Maybe that's not quite the right term to use." "I broke up with a girl because she lied about her weight." "I say that." "She died in a bungee jumping accident." "Do you see?" "Because she was heavier and..." "Anyone got anything he could be colouring in?" "You look like some kind of surfer dude." "What's your name?" " John." " John." "Where are you from, John?" " The United States." " well done." "Do you know the difference between a British soldier and an Iraqi soldier?" " (Cheering)" " Know the difference?" "What do you do, John?" "I don't need to check your papers." "I'm just asking." " I'm a college professor on vacation." " You're a college professor on vacation." "OK." "Sounds like a set-up for a movie." "With hilarious consequences!" "Then he asked me for a fag!" "Uhhh!" "Fanny?" "I thought he meant bum!" " What do you teach?" " I teach philosophy and religious studies." "philosophy and religious studies?" "well done." "So do you teach philosophy to the brighter kids?" "Then if they don't get the hang of it, go, "Oh, just believe in God." "Don't matter."" "I'II tell you why I've asked you all to come." "I'd Iike to talk to you about men that like obese women." "Not men that like women with a fuller figure." "That seems natural and right." "More cushion for the pushin', I think that's the expression." "I'm talking about men that like women who are "can't leave the house" fat." "So I'm not talking about anyone in here unless, in order to get out, someone had to cut the side of a house off and there was a winch involved." "I'm not talking about water retention, I'm talking about cake retention." "people that say they've a thyroid problem." "You say, "A thyroid problem?" ""What are you taking for that?" "Pies?"" "The kind of girl that looks as if she makes a cracking breakfast, but wouldn't wanna share it with you." "I saw a thing on TV." "One of these makeover shows that are on during the day." "They did a makeover on a girl." "She was 34 stone." "It was like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic." "I say a makeover, they gave her a fringe." "Is that really gonna turn the corner for a girl like that?" "I don't think it will." "I can't imagine a scenario where a guy is in a bar, he looks across." "He sees a girl, she's 34 stone." "Be tough to miss her, Iet's face it." "He thinks, "She's a little bit big for me." Goes back to his drink." "meanwhile, the makeover team are in." "Snip, snip, snip." "He looks back, he thinks, "actually, I would."" "The excuses get me." "They're amazing." ""The camera adds 10 pounds."" "Stop eating fucking cameras!" "I've become obsessed because of a couple of documentaries." "There was one called Fatties And Their Feeders." "Did anyone see it?" "An amazing sociological study of obesity and the health problems inherent in that." "And also it was fucking hilarious." "It was these tiny stick-thin men bringing massive KFC buckets of food to these enormous women that couldn't even move." "And do be careful with the KFC bucket." "It's a big leap from plate to bucket." "But from bucket to trough... not very far at all." "The other one that was on was called Chubby Chasers." "I Iike the title" " Chubby Chasers." "Sounds great." "I just wonder, how accurate is that?" "How much chasing is actually going on?" "A little bit of waddling and wheezing, then gotcha." "Gotcha!" "The male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth up to seven miles away." "And that fact also works if you remove the word "moth"." "There's a Iot of cliches about gypsies." "Maybe you can help me, sir." " Have you ever Tarmacked a drive?" " No." "Course not." "You just take their deposit and fuck off like the rest of 'em." " Sorry?" " BIock-paved a few." "You've bIocked-paved a few?" "You see, to my mind, that would be the same thing." "I Iove the fact you've made a distinction." "Ever Tarmacked a drive?" "No, I've bIock-paved a few." "I can't imagine that's what he's getting at." " What's your name?" " Lee." " hello, Lee." " hello, Jimmy." " Nice to meet you." " It's like a love..." "Nice to meet you, Lee." "lovely to have you in." "You took that in the right way." "I did that joke a few weeks ago." "When I do that joke, I Iook round quickly and pick on someone who looks like a pikey." "Not a problem." "Anyway, I did this joke in Southend." "I picked on a big guy down the front." "He took it slightly the wrong way." "properly insulted." "Came up afterwards and threatened me, but he was pretending to be posh." "He said, "I'm not a gypsy," and tried to threaten me without swearing." "That's a tough thing to do." "He used the phrase "knuckle sandwich"." "Then he said, "Do you Iike hospital food?" I didn't say anything because I was afraid." "I should've said, "I'm with BUPA." "It's delicious." ""I've got a choice of three starters." "Do your fucking worst."" "Sorry, Lee, I've labelled you a chav." "I quite like the term "chav"." "I read it in the papers before I heard it." "I thought it was pronounced "sharv"." "Don't kick off, Lee." "I'm middle class, but I'm hard." "AI dente, you might say." "If you got the "aI dente" reference, you're middle class too." "well done." "I Iike gypsies." "I've got Romany blood in me on my mother's side." "It's an alternative lifestyle, but a good one." "people that don't like gypsies always say, "These travellers, you gotta move 'em on."" "Isn't that playing into their hands?" "Right, we've done fat girls and gypsies." "religion." "I used to be quite religious and I'm fascinated by religious groups." "There's the people that wear the armbands" " WWJD." "Stands for What would Jesus Do?" "Christians wear them to remind them to be more like Christ." ""What would Jesus do in this situation?" They're very effective." "They make people so annoying, you want to nail 'em to a cross." "My absolute favourite Christian organisation is Christians Against Teenage Pregnancies." "That's the Everest of hypocrisy, isn't it?" "Jesus taught us that the unwanted babies of teenage mums can turn out all right." "You look as if you didn't understand that." "You know who the protagonist is?" "Jesus." "Born at Christmas or Easter." "You must've heard of him." "King of the Jews, best Jew ever." "He could walk on water." "He probably couldn't." "His mum probably exaggerated." "probably very good on ice skates." "He died for your sins." "Cunt." "I said to my girlfriend, "How'd you Iike to go shopping with the girls," ""get your hair done, then go out for a couple of bottles of Chardonnay?"" "She said, "That sounds brilliant." I said, "Good, cos we're breaking up."" "Know when a man says, "It's not you, it's me"?" "You know when a man says that?" "It's not you, it's me." "We mean that from the heart." "That's not bullshit." "It's a fragment of a longer phrase " ""It's not you, it's me that's ending this" ""because I can't stand the fucking sight of you."" "people argue so they can make up again." "call me cynical, I don't think that's what's going on in the middle East." "John Merrick, the elephant Man, was cruelly taunted all through his life." "John Merrick was cruelly taunted." "people said, "You're the ugliest man in the world."" "But he didn't mind." "Very thick-skinned." "Does anyone know how John Merrick died?" "Anyone?" " (Man) In his sleep." " In his sleep?" "Are you getting death mixed up with sleeping?" "You don't write gravestones for a living?" ""Not dead, just sleeping." Dig him up, then." "He'II be fucking livid." "In the film, they take away a pillow." "people with elephant heads can't lie flat, as we all know." "Yeah, if you Iike." "Why not?" "That's not actually how it happened." "Any other suggestions as to how he died?" "(Man) Wanking." "He died wanking?" "I don't know if you can die wanking." "Hang on, I'II ask." " Can you die...?" " I'm still here." "He's still here." "That is a good response!" "still here." "I've had some great suggestions recently from the audience." "Too many sticky buns." "Great way for the elephant Man to go." "Another person said, "A somewhat ironic allergy to peanuts."" "Someone suggested poachers." "It's a Iong shot." "killed for his ivory." "Shame he's gone, but a lovely chess set." "What happened was a bearded lady shot a dwarf out of a cannon and it landed on his elephant head - freak accident!" "Come on!" " Anyone been to alton Towers?" " (Audience) Yes." " Did you enjoy it?" "I enjoyed it." " (Man) It was shit." "Shit?" " That was you?" "Did you have a shit time?" " awful." "My God!" "tell me more." "Best thing about it - we robbed a fruit machine." "The best thing about AIton Towers was "we robbed a fruit machine"." "That is an amazing sentence." "Sorry, sir, your time as the gypsy this evening is now..." "It's now over." "That is..." "Forget it." "You have been out-chavved." "You went to alton Towers and your complaint was "not enough to nick"?" "(Indistinct)" "I Iove the way you're using an expression of "You see a fruit machine, you rob it." ""Come on, we're friends, we all..." "Come on!" "I'm a guy, you're a guy." ""We steal things from fruit machines." No!" " What's your name, sir?" " daniel." " What do you do?" " I work at a jeweller's in Bond Street." "unless you're the cleaner..." "they've made a massive error of judgment." "So how long have you been casing this joint?" " About a year." " About a year." "And when's the big job?" "Do I get paid extra if this ends up on Crimewatch?" "well, I liked AIton Towers." "I thought it was good." "Who thought it was good?" " (Audience) Yeah!" " It's like a poor man's Disney." "The sort of place you might send a child who's dying of something not that serious." "Asthma?" "We'II have a whip-round." "I'm making no promises." "brittle bones?" "brittle bones." "Has he been to Chessington?" "He'II have to bring his own cap." "alton Towers has a ride they've advertised on TV again - a verticaI-drop roller coaster." "Correct me if I'm wrong - that's a lift." "Right, good." "Any questions so far?" " (Man) How old?" " What?" " How old?" " How old?" "Fuck grammar, we're in a hurry." "How lazy is that?" "How old?" "Not "How old are you?" or "would you mind telling us how old you are?" How old?" "(Man) 28." " Have a guess." "How old do you think I am?" " 12." "12?" "You shouldn't even be having those kind of thoughts about me!" "Do you know what the age of consent is in Mexico?" "It's 12." "That's one way to deal with a paedophilia problem, isn't it?" "I imagine they've still got a problem." "(Mexican accent) She looked 12 to me." "I didn't always do this." "I used to work for an oil company." "Same sort of thing - telling lies to strangers." "But that was a bit more awkward." "That was much more, "Yeah, don't worry about Nigeria, that'II be fine."" "I was always jealous of the women that I worked with." "Women have the best excuse for a day off." "I Iove a day off sick." "marvellous." "Duvet, very nice and comfy." "Mm." "And women have the best excuse - "women's problems"." "It's the best excuse because "women's problems" is the end of a conversation." ""Why didn't you come in yesterday?" "Women's problems."" "If I was the boss, things would be different." "Women's problems?" "Tits or fanny?" "Which is it?" "Maybe I couId have a look." "I should tell you a bit about myself." "Um..." "Can I just ask..." "You two there, you look quite young." "How old are you?" " 18." " You're 18?" "Are you?" " Yeah." " Are you adding six years to your age because you think I might be a fucking idiot?" "You're 18, but you've got a growlh hormone..." " (Laughter) - ..problem of some description." " You're genuinely 18?" " Yeah." "I'd forgotten how young an 18-year-oId boy looks." "Is that a bad thing to say?" "It's quite bad, isn't it?" "And your boyfriend, how old's he?" " What?" " He's my brother." "Your brother?" "Don't shag him, then!" "I noticed your shirt." "Is that a fashion thing?" "It looks like it's covered in spunk." "No, honestly." "Stand up and turn round." "It's an amazing shirt." "Look at that." "(whistling and cheering)" "It's quite a cool design when you look at it closely, but, if you just glance at it, it looks like a plasterer's radio." "That is a term used in the dogging fraternity, I believe." "As in, I was out with Stan CoIIymore, I drove away in a car looking like a plasterer's radio." "I should talk about myself a little bit." "I grew up in slough in the 1970s." "If anyone wants to know what SIough was like in the 1970s, go there now." "There's a sign as you drive in - "slough twinned with Montreux"." "I tell you this much, they're not identical twins." "No chance of getting those mixed up." "AII you need to know about SIough is one sign." "One tourist information sign." "Most towns of any note have many." "We've just got the one." "You know the ones that say "You are here"?" "Someone's added a question mark." "So it now reads, "You are here?"" "Your travel agent is a cunt." "I was educated in Cambridge University." "(Audience) Oooh!" "(Man) well done!" "Not an uncommon response." "people think you're a little bit smug, a little bit up yourself." "Not the case." "The only reason I went to Cambridge is because I got four A's at A level." "The reason I got four A's is because I didn't have many friends." "I didn't have a girlfriend." "No one'd have sex with me." "I used to home, Iike a good little boy, and do my homework." "Next time you meet somebody who's over-educated and pompous, don't think "God, they're intimidating", think "No good with the poontang."" "I got my big break in show business doing the royal Variety Performance." "Quite a good gig, but I had to meet Prince charles afterwards." "I didn't know what to say to him, he didn't know what to say to me." "He cobbled something together." "That's his job." "Other than waiting for his mum to die." "He said, "Very funny indeed, very good deadpannery."" "Now, we all know "deadpannery" is not a real word." "But it's his mum's english." "He can say what he fucking likes." "The great thing is you get asked to do interesting things." "I was asked to go on Countdown." "I thought, "I'II definitely do that."" "I've always had a thing for carol Vorderman." "Not just because she's fit." "No." "also for her mind." "although I tend to say, "I wouldn't mind fucking her brains out."" "Think about it." "It'd take ages." "I shall, erm..." "I shall tell you a story about something else that happened." "I'm on telly now and people phone up and ask you to do interesting things." "I was asked about three years ago to write a journalistic piece." "I was excited." "A Sunday paper said, "would you write a piece for us?" I immediately agreed." "It transpired it was a piece for the motoring section called "My First Crash"." "I would've said no, but I'd already said yes so what do you do?" "I said, "Yeah, OK, fine."" "I was quite pleased with what I wrote." "I wrote 250 words on my first crash." "What happened was I went on a driving holiday." "flew into barcelona, rented a car." "Went round Spain, portugal, France." "Just staying three-star hotels, BBs, just kind of hanging around, you know." "The idea was we would drive back to Paris, get the Eurostar back." "Go first class." "It had just opened so it was quite exciting." "We mistimed it so we were late getting back into Paris." "This is the days before, you know, sat nav." "So we'd got maps out, we were trying to work out how Paris is..." "It's a complicated city to get round." "It was late at night." "We got cut up by guys on scooters." "In an underpass, we just clipped a Merc." "No harm done." "Seen that ad where, every time a famous person clicks their fingers, a child dies?" "I couldn't help thinking, "Stop clicking your fingers."" "I went out to dinner last night." "I killed two kids just getting the bill." "For ?" "1 a day, you can feed a child in Africa." "Sounds good, but I've checked." "That's seIf-catering." "They're organising a parachute jump for people with alzheimer's." "That's something that I'd pay to see." "That's basically euthanasia." "AII right, Grandad, know what you're doing?" "I fought in the war." "That's as may be." "One, one-thousand." "Two, one-thousand." "Are you my nephew?" "I've done quite a few charity gigs." "I did one in this very room." "It was for a charity which I now know is called Laughter For Leukaemia." "I'd had a Iong day, I turned up late and I made a mistake." "I said, "It's lovely to be here laughing at Ieukaemia."" "The skinheads down the front didn't like it." "I was in Los angeles." "They were reIaunching the Big Issue out there." "They'd organised this big gala gig." "They asked me to do five minutes." "And they'd invited a Iot of the homeless people along to the gig so a whole section of the audience were Big Issue vendors." "I thought, what a brilliant thing, because you think "hungry and homeless"." "But you don't think, "They could do with a night out."" " Night out's not the right phrase, but..." " (Laughter)" "..you get my drift." "I walked out and I said, "It's lovely to see so many bums on seats."" "It didn't translate, really." "This is the problem with doing charity gigs for others." "You want your own foundation." "That's the brilliant thing that A-Iist celebrities get to do." "They get to have their own charity." "I'd love to do that." "michael Jackson has got his own charity." "The NeverIand Foundation." "They fly sick children..." "well, good-Iooking sick children." "Good-Iooking sick children who look as if they could keep a secret." "..into the neverland ranch, and they give them massive cash payouts." "valuable work." "Who here thinks michael Jackson's innocent?" "(Audience members murmur)" "Person over there." "Quite a Iot of people." "Show of hands." "Hands right up in the air." "Quite a Iot of you think he's innocent and you've got morality on your side." "He was found innocent by a jury of his peers." "albeit Americans." "still counts." "I wouldn't have bothered with the whole trial." "I would've stood up in front of the jury and said this." "If I was a billionaire paedophiIe" " I'm not, but if I was - a billionaire paedophiIe," "I'd definitely have a funfair in my back garden." "He couldn't be any more dodgy if his house was made out of sweets." "Who here's got kids?" "Who's got kids?" "You got kids?" "would you let them play at michael Jackson's house?" "No?" "You would?" "You look like quite an old fella." "How old are your kids?" " In their twenties." " In their twenties, yeah." "would you have let them play there when they were about 12?" "For $10 million?" "You'd have to think about it." "I'd Iike to start a Jimmy Carr Foundation." "Yeah?" "It's a good idea, isn't it?" "I'm a D-Iist celebrity, but I couId build and grow." "I've got a couple of ideas for charities." "I'd Iike to workshop them this evening." "Good." "I'm glad you're so keen on the idea." "firstly, there's a problem with amputeeism in Africa because of all the land mines." "There's a Iot of charities dealing with the land mine problem, picking up the pieces." "Bad choice of words, but there's charities clearing the land mines." "Very few dealing with the problem of people with one leg cos the other's been blown off." "That's a serious global problem." "That almost looks too big to tackle." "We have our problems too." "Who can say they don't have a problem with odd socks?" "You take those two problems... you put them together, you've got a solution." " Odds socks for Africa." "Who's with me?" " (Cheering)" "One thing worse than having your leg blown off is the remaining foot being cold." "The next idea I've had for a charity is not quite as "PC" as all that." "Domestic violence." "There's a topic." "It happens in all our communities." "Yeah?" "Something needs to be done." "A Iot of charities deal with the aftermath, few do anything preventative." "I'd Iike to start a Jimmy Carr halfway house, a place where women can go and be safe and secure and be re-educated about cooking and cleaning and putting out the..." "Doesn't need to happen." "Nothing sadder than seeing a woman with two black eyes." "She's been told twice." "She doesn't understand." "You look slightly disapproving, madam." "You all right?" "I Iike the fact that you two look incredibly rock-and-roII in a sea of middle class." "A wonderful thing." "What do you do?" "Me?" "I work in a shop called Cyberdog." " called Cyber what?" " Cyberdog." "Cyberdog?" "Where do you think I got this?" "Eh?" " It's rubber on the inside." " You might have a funky underpinning." "I might have a funky underpinning?" "I don't know what a funky underpinning is." "That's how unfunky I am." "Were you expecting more thrash metal at this gig?" "Yes." "I'm sorry to disappoint." "Your partner, you've got a similar look about you." "What do you do, sir?" " I manage a fetish clothing shop." " You manage a fetish clothing shop." "Whereabouts?" " Covent Garden." " Covent Garden." "Great spot for it." "What's the weirdest request you've ever had in the store?" "Someone wanted a douche bag fitted to a catsuit." "Someone wanted a douche bag fitted to a catsuit." "AII words I vaguely understand." "And yet when you say them..." "What?" "!" "Hang on, what's a douche bag?" "It's a special facility you attach to the back of your catsuit so that you can defecate into them at will." "Oh, a douche bag!" "I thought you said something else." "Oh, right." "The device I have on my catsuit so I can defecate at will." "surely if you've got a catsuit on, you should really be going in the sandpit." "That's..." "He's..." "Are you off to buy a...?" "Did we just say "defecate at will" and you were off?" "Have you been hypnotised at some point?" "It's lovely to see so many ladies out this evening." "The tea won't make itself." "You're just staring, quietly judging." "Yes, quite right." "No." "You look quite annoyed." " I get it from him all the time." " Get it from him all the time?" "You lucky girl!" "I bet you love it." "Sorry, is it 1975?" " What do you do?" " I work in a bookshop." "You work in a bookshop?" "Is it an "adult" bookshop?" " No, I'm actually in the children's section." " children's section of an adult bookshop?" "That is bad." "Did you know women reach their sexual peak after 35 years?" " Yes." " Men reach theirs after about four minutes." "Which is why we get more done." "My girlfriend said, "Have you been having sex behind my back?"" "I said, "Who the fucking hell do you think it was?" ""And, another thing, it wouldn't kill you to turn round, check how I'm doing."" "Are you all drinking this evening?" " (Audience) Yeah." " I Iike drinking." "I prefer being drunk." "I'm not very keen on beer and wine." "I Iike the interesting things you order when you're drunk." "Drinks no one orders sober." "Aftershock is a prime example - that weird pink fluid." "No one has ever ordered that sober - the designated driver's never walked into a bar and thought, "I can have one drink." ""They've got beer, wine, spirits." ""No..." "I'II have a pipette of Aftershock, please."" "flaming sambuca." "No one's ever ordered one of those sober." " (Women in audience) Yes, yes." " You have?" " Ordered a flaming sambuca sober?" " (Woman) It's our drink." " It's your drink?" " AII the time." "flaming sambucas?" "The clue as to why you shouldn't order one, madam, is the fact it's on fire." "It's like walking into a kitchen going, "I'm a bit thirsty." "There's a glass and a tap."" "Then spotting out the corner of your eye a gas hob." "The only reason to order a flaming sambuca when sober is if you meet a girl and she's a little bit special." "You've been out on two or three dates." "She's beautiful, intelligent, funny." "You think she might be the one, but she's got a problem with facial hair on the top lip." "That can be an awkward thing to bring up." "Much better, I think, to take her out for a drink." "Two flaming sambucas, please." "No, no, no, they're both for you." "You drink flaming sambucas?" "Where are you from?" " newcastle." " Oh, of course!" "Sorry, I'm sorry." "I was asking a London audience, "Do you drink flaming sambucas when sober?"" "If I'd thought there were people in from newcastle," "I would have said, "What do you Iike to drink to get you in the mood for a fight?"" "So are you down here on the rob or...?" "What are you up to?" "If you want to go for a drink in newcastle, we'II show you the better sights." "The best sights in newcastle?" "I imagine the one where you go..." "I can't forgive the Germans for the way they treated my grandad during the war." "Passed over for promotion time and time again." "On Remembrance Sunday, spare a thought for German ex-servicemen." "At least our old soldiers are remembering winning." "How shit's their day out?" "I was in Germany doing a comedy gig." "It was a corporate gig." "I thought, "Comedy, Germany, it's missionary work."" "The gig went fine, but on the way back, there was a three-hour delay at the airport." "Not a problem." "I've got an iPod and a computer, I was quite happy." "The guy that organised the gig was livid with this three-hour delay." "He said, with no hint of irony, "Say what you want about hitler," ""at Ieast when he was around, the trains ran on time."" "I thought, "Yeah, but think about where they were going!"" "I was in Edinburgh last year, saw a sign in a window - "Watch batteries fitted."" "I thought it was probably not the best show on." "A sign up in my street says "The priorities of the traffic lights have changed."" "Another sign says "children." "please drive carefully."" "On the motorway, I saw a sign on the back of a truck - "How am I driving?"" "I thought, "well, if you don't know..."" "A sticker on my car says "Keep your distance." ""I just need a little space right now." "It's not you, it's me." Got a question?" "(Woman) I've got one." "In the curry house near where I Iive, it says "Try one of our curries." "You'II never get better."" "That is fucking brilliant!" "Do you think they mean it to be like that?" "I don't know if everyone heard." "In the curry house near you, it says "Try one of our curries." "You'II never get better."" "That is fantastic." "I saw a sign in the park." "It said "Remove Dog Nuisance" so I shot a poodle." "I was in australia." "I saw a sign that said "Convenience store - 75 miles."" "I thought, "I'm not even going that way."" "My favourite road sign of all time is a red triangle." "It says underneath "FaIIing rocks" and there's pictures of falling rocks." "What am I meant to do with that information?" "It may as well just say "Random accidents ahead." "Life's a lottery, be lucky."" "I'm not a prude." "I don't mind talking about sex and I don't mind swearing." "No problem with that, but I'm offended by an advert on TV at the moment." "It's for a brand of thrush treatment." "Canesten or Gaviscon, I can't remember." "Which one is it?" "Is Canesten or Gaviscon?" " (Women) Canesten." " Which one?" " Canesten." " Thank you, ladies with thrush." "Hi!" "The reason I'm offended by it is that I just don't see the point." "Who's thinking, "This is a weII-made commercial." ""I Iike the actors, the script, the tag line at the end." ""I'II buy some of that." "I don't have thrush, but I'm gonna buy some."" "Or who's sitting there going..." ""That looks interesting." "I might buy that." "I'm baking bread down here."" "It's all very well going on a round-the-worId trip." "Where are you gonna go next year?" "I had a survey done on my house." "Eight out of ten people rather liked it." "If you're not part of the solution, you're a solid or a gas." "I was in a club last week." "A sign outside the cloakroom said "?" "1 per item"." "So I bought a coat." "In a restaurant, I asked a waiter where the gents' was." "He said, "Go down the stairs."" ""Try our curries." "You'II never get better." still having a bit of a giggle from that." "My mother was a very funny woman, a Iarger-than-Iife Irish lady." "She'd say to me, "There are no strangers, just friends you haven't met yet." ""Don't talk to them."" "My dad took me to one side on my 21st birthday." "He said, "Jimmy, the past is history." "The future is a mystery." "Right now is a gift." ""That's why it's called the present."" "I said, "What, you didn't get me anything?" "Again!"" "A wise old man said, "people never listen." "They're just waiting for their turn to talk."" "Least I think that's what he said." "I was driving through a rough area of London and saw a big police sign." "Big yellow and black thing." "It said "violent crime here." ""Tuesday. 7:30." ""Can you help?"" "I appreciate they're trying to bring communities together, but I don't approve." "A thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago close to where I Iive." "I was walking home about 1 1 :30 at night and this kid, 15 or 16 years of age, ran out of an alleyway at high speed." "He's all out of breath and panting and in some distress." "He says, "help, me and my mate are being mugged!"" "I said, "calm down, take a breath." "Of course I'II help." ""My mate and I are being mugged."" "In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years." "They're still not talking." "I'm starting to think they don't know anything." "I saw a brilliant bit of medical research for a new product." "It's like a Viagra inhaler that will give a man an erection within 30 seconds." "A Viagra inhaler that will give a man an erection within 30 seconds is a blow job." "A company spent thousands researching the Atkins diet and came to the conclusion that it can cause depression." "I couId've told you that without research." "Deductive reasoning." "Everyone knows fat people are jolly." "The British medical Association did some research saying irrefutabIy cigarettes can harm your children." "Fair enough." "Use an ashtray." "I worry about my nan." "If she's alone in the house and falls, does she make a noise?" "I'm joking." "She's dead." "I do try and see the positive." "If somebody close to you dies, move seats." "When my nan was ill in hospital, we went to visit her in Limerick in ireland." "It was near the end and the doctor came out and he said to us," ""Ah, no, she's very bad now." ""She can't breath without oxygen."" "I thought, "Where did you get your medical degree?" "The internet?"" "Every cloud has a silver lining." "You can always see the fun in something, even something tragic and terrible." "We've all been to a funeral at some stage." "It's a very sad event." "But, you know, every cloud has a silver lining." "An elderly relative at death's door is a day off waiting to happen." "What's a funeral?" "It's about an hour." "Tends to be in the morning." "The rest of the day is your own." "I don't want you to judge me, but when my nana died, we went bowling." "Not immediately on hearing the news, but that afternoon after the funeral, we went bowling." "Life goes on." "Not hers, obviously." "She was in a box on fire." "I was on fire." "Three strikes." "I can see a couple of kind of older..." "How old are you, sir?" "You look a little bit older than..." " Yeah." " 70." "70." "well, 70's quite old, I think." " It is." " Yeah." "Nice to have you here, sir." " Nice age range." "What do you do?" " Nothing at the moment." "Fine." "You've earned that, frankly." "Some of these fucking Iayabouts..." "I bet it was different in your day, wasn't it?" "Grrrr!" "I bet you were loving the anti-German stuff, weren't you?" "Yeah, fuck 'em." "Do you know what, PC or no PC, we won it fair and square." "The thing I was gonna say was, I've been..." "Have you ever said to anyone," ""The problem with your generation, you think you invented sex."?" "Ever said that?" " No." " No." "My grandad said it to me." ""The problem with you lot, you think you invented sex."" "I said, "AII right, Grandad, have you ever fucked Nana up the arse," ""pulled out and come on her tits?"" "Turns out he had." "That's what killed her." "(Shouts of disgust)" "What?" "What's the matter with that?" "Don't you dare be offended by there being a 70-year-oId man." "I bet you were crazy for it in the war." "Jesus, there being a war on?" "I bet you got more poontang in those years." ""Yeah, we could all die tomorrow." Ha-ha!" "It's the best chat-up line in the world." "Who are you here with?" " My daughter." " She looks mortified." "You all right?" "I can only apologise for the material about the grandad, the bum sex and the coming." "I imagine what I've created is the longest journey home ever." ""Yeah, Dad, I enjoyed the show." "Let's never talk again."" "What else was I going to talk about?" "Erm..." "It's 18 years since the chernobyl disaster." "Is it just me that's surprised?" "still no superheroes." "Nothing." "Not so much as a giant lizard." "Is anyone married?" "Who's married?" "What's the longest someone's been married?" "(Man) Two days." "Two days?" "Who's been married for two days?" " You got married on..." " Friday." "On Friday?" "well, congratulations." "well done, you." "And can I ask, is she pregnant or is this a proper one?" " (Woman) We've done that already." " Sorry?" "You already have a child and now you've got married?" "Get out." "Get out of my house!" "well, that's a lovely thing." "congratulations." "Thanks for coming." "Wow!" "You've married that guy, he looks like a great guy." "clearly, he's set the bar pretty low early on." ""Where are we going on our honeymoon?" "We're going to see Jimmy Carr live."" "well done." "Good luck with it is all I'm saying." "Good luck." "We all know a third of marriages end in divorce." "A third of marriages end in divorce and they're the lucky ones, the others are dying." "I'd rather go to jail than get married." "I've thought this through." "I'd rather go to jail." "If you murder someone, you get a life sentence... you're out in 12 years, whereas this, life means life." "In your average marriage, as opposed to prison, there is significantly less anal sex." "See if you think this is romantic, ladies." "My friend is getting married and her fiance has designed the wedding ring." "talented artist, picked out the diamond in South Africa, done sketches." "Taken them to a jeweller in Hatton Garden." "That's romantic, isn't it, ladies?" " Yes." " It almost makes up for the fact that she's clearly marrying a homosexual." "She's going to have an amazing ring, not much of a wedding night." "It'II be along the lines of "Come to bed, darling."" ""I'm just going to walk the dog in the park." "We don't have a dog."" ""I'II be in the park."" "Is anyone in favour of gay marriage?" "Who's in favour?" " Yes." " Who's in favour of gay marriage?" " (Audience) Yes." " I'II tell you why you're wrong." "Gay marriage inevitably will lead to gay divorce and that will be bitchy." "recently, I was having a meeting in Mayfair, walked out of the restaurant." "I bumped into a guy selling the Big Issue." "22, 23 years of age." "I got talking to him." "I bought the Big Issue off him." "I buy it, I don't read it." "I don't mind the Big Issue, but a magazine for the homeless, not one advert for a flat." "They're not trying." "Got talking to this guy." "He said, "I'm looking for somewhere to live."" "I said, "Right." ""We're in Mayfair." ""Did you not play monopoly when you were a child?" ""Get yourself down the old Kent Road, mate."" "It's not just an expression." "Beggars can't be choosers." "I've got a cautionary tale for the men in the room." "You know the ability men have got to say something straight out?" ""I didn't know I said it." They think it, then talk at the same time." "It happened to my friends Dave and Susan." "They've been going out since college." "Susan went home to see her parents." "They had Sunday lunch, got a bit tipsy." "lovely." "AII the way up to hull to see them." "Got drunk over Sunday lunch." "Somehow the topic of wife swapping came up." "Her parents, for a joke, said, "Oh, we were terrible for that back in the '70s." "Oh!" ""Keys in a bowl at a party." "terrible." ""Oh, always doing it." "We don't know who your real dad is."" "They said that to their daughter." "She was fine at the time cos she was drunk at lunch." "But then on the train ride home, she starts to feel a bit grimy and horrible and eurgh!" "She works herself up into a state. "Maybe it was a joke on me, I was the butt of the joke." ""Maybe they did do that in the '70s, maybe he's not my real dad." "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!"" "What Dave should have done was taken her in his strong, loving arms." ""Hey, it was just a joke." "I'II pop the kettle on, I'II make you a cup of tea." ""I'II run you a bath." "Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh."" "That is what he should have done, but that's not what he did or said." "What he said, without skipping a beat..." "I've killed an African child." "But what he said, without skipping a beat, straight away, "Eurgh, who got your mum?"" " Tits or bum?" " (Man) Tits." " Tits or bum?" "Bum." "Tits or bum?" " Tits." "Tits or bum?" "Tits or bum?" " Pecs." " Pecs?" "Oh, yeah!" "You're not here for the jokes!" " Tits or bum?" " Tits." "clearly." " Tits or bum?" "Tits or bum?" " (Both men) Bum." "Every man has now made their decision." "There's only two categories of men." "We'II leave that for another day." "Two categories of men - tits or bum." "Every man will have made their decision by now." "You might've been married for 18 years." "You might think, "Our relationship is deeper than just tits or bum." ""We're best friends, there's a spiritual connection." You know." ""It's more than tits or bum, Mr Funny Man," whereas he'II be thinking. "Terrific norks."" "I mention it because I've never once heard a woman say," ""Yeah, cock, I couId take or leave, but a nice set of cIangers!" "Rrrrr!"" "At school, if you got your right ear pierced, it meant you were homosexual." "If you got your left ear pierced, it meant you were common and lived on an estate." "I had a school friend called russell." "He sat next to me when I was five on the first day of school and continued to hang around for the next 1 7 years, inviting himself along to things and just being there." "We've all got one of those, haven't we?" "If you're thinking, "I haven't," it's you." "I'm not proud of this, but we were at a party, we got very drunk, we were about 16 or 1 7." "He got really drunk, russell, passed out on the floor." "myself and my friend Anthony, we shaved his eyebrows off." "He was really surprised." "But you couldn't tell." "Does anyone here work in the medical profession?" "What do you do?" " (Woman) Ward sister." " Sorry?" " Ward sister." " A ward sister?" "well done." "That's a great job." "I always wanted to be a doctor." "(Woman) So did I." "well, maybe if you'd worked harder." "Ward sister's a great job." "I wanted to work in medicine because I liked the lab coat and I thought the stethoscope was cool and chicks would Iike me." "Chicks." "I'm not sure what I was thinking." "I couId never become a doctor." "I didn't have chemistry, maths or physics." "And also I'm quite an uncaring person." "If someone's sick, I think, "Fuck 'em."" "I've found a hospital where I couId get a job." "The Wandsworth Hospice for incurable Diseases." "How tough could that be?" "You'd stroll in about 1 1 :30, chat up a couple of nurses." "Check what's for lunch." "A patient would come up. "Can you do anything, Doctor?"" ""Did you not read the sign?"" "The only thing better than being a doctor would be to be a vet." "Vets are admired." "Any vets in, by any chance?" "You're a vet?" "You're a student vet." "You have picked a winner." "The great thing about being a vet is that you've got the joker card you can play." "If you absolutely have to be somewhere at 6:30, you can play the joker card." "The big injection." "If you can't work out what the problem is or it's too much bother - whoop, gone." "That problem has gone away." "The local vet's has got an incinerator out the back for a reason." "Cos they're busy people." "I've never heard a doctor say, "Your 10-year-oId boy's had a good innings." ""He's quite severely asthmatic." "We could keep him alive with pills and injections." ""But it's quite expensive and a little bit messy." ""Be much easier if I just put him off to sleep with this."" "Vets sweeten the deal with "I couId take care of the body for you."" "Yeah, for ?" "75." "It's a spaniel, I Iive next to a canal." "You work it out." "Strange thing with doctors and nurses." "I don't have a god in my Iife." "Doctors and nurses are like secular gods." "They bring us into the world, take care of us when we're alive and let us die with dignity." "But the only thing I've ever asked a doctor or nurse is what's the weirdest thing you've ever pulled out of an arse?" "I'm a gynaecology nurse so we don't pull out of that orifice." " really?" "pulled anything out of the other?" " Batteries, corks, tops of hairspray cans..." "Sorry, hang on." "slow down!" " Batteries...corks." " Corks, bottle tops... pebbles, tops of hairspray cans." "Tops of hairspray cans." "That wasn't all one lady, was it?" "If it was, do you have her number?" "She sounds like she'd be up for anything." "Wow, that's pretty grizzly." "One nurse said the weirdest thing she'd ever pulled out of an arse was a vibrator." "That's where they're meant to go." "She said the funny thing about it was, when they X-rayed him, it was still vibrating." "That's awful for many reasons." "I imagine the guy doing the X-ray was hitting the machine." ""This thing's on the fritz again." He's standing there." "What an agonising wait in AE." "Excuse me, sir, could you turn off your mobile phone?" ""It's not a mobile phone." well, what is it?" ""I've got a prosthetic cock vibrating in my arse."" "As you were." "Do..." "I'm guessing from your laughter, you've pulled something weird out of your arse." "No?" "There's definitely a story." " There definitely is." "It just made you laugh?" " (Woman) Yes." "Did it?" "What, when it came out or when you put it in?" "Do you all carry Donor Cards, BIoomsbury?" " Yes." " You all should carry Donor Cards." "If you die and you're in reasonably good health..." "I realise that's counterintuitive." "If you die and you're in good health, you can help 70 people. 70." "Not just one or two major organs." "They can harvest the body and help so many people. 70, they reckon." "You should all get a Donor Card." "The only thing I've written on mine is a clause in biro." "I've said I'd Iike all 70 things to go to the same person." "It's less of a donation, more a hostile takeover." " It's just me with new kidneys." "Hooray." " (Laughter)" "I went out to dinner with my girlfriend and she said," ""would you still love me if I was a cripple?"" "I thought, "Hang on, that's a silly question." ""I'd leave you if you put on half a stone."" "obviously I didn't say that." "I said, "Yeah, I'd prefer it."" "Never leave electrical goods plugged in overnight." "Two exceptions - fridges and life supports." "You'II waste an awful lot of vegetables." "(Groan from audience)" "That was a bit harsh." "I'd better do something a bit lighter." "It's ironic that people with club feet tend not to be very good dancers." "Anyone read Stephen Hawking's Brief History Of Time?" "Did you understand it all?" "No." "I understood about half of it." "Pretty good going, considering he wrote it with a straw." "Cut him some slack." "There's bound to be some typos." "I've no problem doing jokes about disability." "It's just wordplay." "No prejudice, no malice." "I would tell the same jokes if there was someone in with the conditions." "I heard a brilliant story about a comic who did something truly terrible." "He was doing a gig, turned up to the theatre." "Quite a famous comic." "Turned up." "I shan't tell you his name." "It was quite a famous TV comedian." "Turns up, refuses to go on." "They said, "Why?"" "He's seen that the front row is full of people in wheelchairs." "He said, "I'm not going on."" "They said, "Why not?" He said, "A Iot of my act is banter with the front row." ""I tease and pick on the front row." "I don't feel comfortable with it." "I'm not going on."" "They said, "What?" "I can't believe it." He drove off." "He just left." "I thought, "Jim..." ""Jim, they're making it easy for you."" "What is it about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog the whole time?" "Say what you want about the deaf." "There's a company in America now making thongs - the underwear - size 26 and over." "That's big, isn't it?" "Is it necessary?" "Any pair of knickers over size 20 is a thong within four steps." "We're all familiar with the hungry-bum syndrome." "I saw a woman earlier on the street, looked like she was chewing a toffee." "The worst thing to say if your girlfriend says, "Does my bum look big in this?" is not yes." "The worst thing you can say is, "Let me step back, get it all in."" "My girlfriend used to get annoyed if I Ieft the toilet seat up so I always put it down." "Cos it's the woman that I Iove." "It's only a little thing, but a little means a Iot." "There's no winning with her." "Now she's annoyed cos it's covered in piss." "They say "Don't masturbate, you'II go blind."" "Yeah, only if you get it in your eyes." "Aim away." "Who do you think about when you masturbate?" "Her?" "So do I. She's lovely." "You think about your partner when you masturbate." "Hand on heart, when we masturbate, we think about you, ladies." "We think about our wives and our girlfriends." "We do." "I always think of my girlfriend." "I think, "I hope she doesn't walk in." ""She doesn't even know I've got these magazines."" "I'd Iike to talk about threesomes." "Most men would be up for a threesome with two girls." "Most women don't really fancy it." "If you're asked to bring a friend, you get offended." "Men are such bad communicators." "Women sort of hear, "I'm not enough woman for you?" ""You need two women cos you're such a big man?"" "We're saying, wouldn't it be brilliant if, after sex, there was someone for you to talk to?" " Thank you very much indeed." "Good night." " (applause and cheering)" "Thanks very much." "(whistling and cheering)" "(Man in audience) More!" "I'm never sure how to take an encore, never sure what it means." "It either means "We'd just like a few more minutes,"" "or "?" "1 7 for that?" "You're having a fucking laugh."" " shall I tell you what this is like?" " Yes." "After talking to you for an hour, it's like being at a dinner party and realising you're the only one on cocaine." "You find yourself thinking, "They're not a very chatty bunch." ""If it wasn't for me, this'd be shit."" "I was going to tell you about a gig I did recently." "I did a gig for MOJO magazine." "It's a big, you know, pop magazine." "And it all went well." "I was doing their award show for them." "They said, "will you do our awards?" I said, my pleasure." "Rock stars, rock chicks." "cool." "I was doing 10 minutes' stand-up." "I told a slightly anti-American joke." "In Britain, we have eat-as-much-as-you-Iike restaurants." "In America, it's eat-as-much-as-you-can." "You've added that important ingredient - competition." "So you can enjoy a delicious meal and beat your personal best, thus the necessity for three pockets on the back of your jeans, you fat fucks." "And a voice from the back of the room shouted, "Fuck off!"" "I thought..." ""I presume you're American, are you?"" "He said, "Yes." I said, "Think of it as friendly fire."" "He shouted "fuck off" again, but louder." "I thought I'd better deal with this." "I said, "I'm sorry, the only reason I got into comedy" ""is because I thought it wouId be a bit of a fanny magnet." ""I wasn't expecting a cunt like that."" "At which point, the editor of MOJO, sitting down here, got up and looked like he was gonna pull me off." " (Laughter)" " Not like that." ""That was funny." "well done." ""No, no, you go ahead."" "I signalled to him to stop." "I signalled to him to stop and I said, "I'm sorry, sir, that was a cheap shot..."" "It was a bull's-eye." "Doesn't matter." ""I apologise unreservedly." "I did not mean..."" "I mean, the thing was the line got a laugh, but then there was an audible "Oooh."" "Who had I told to fuck off?" "It was a guy called Anthony Kiedis, who's lead singer of the Red Hot chili Peppers." "I'd noticed on the way in that he was on the cover of MOJO and I wasn't." "I thought, this is a social faux pas of epic proportions." "I thought I'd better apologise unreservedly." "I said "I am sorry if I've caused any offence." ""I'm sorry, I did not mean to call you a cunt." "I'm sure you're not." ""I'm sure you don't have the depth or capacity to give pleasure."" "Four minutes later, I was presenting him with a lifetime achievement award." "A chicken with its head chopped off can run the entire length of a football pitch before it dies." "That's what I call an opening ceremony." "My girlfriend used to think magazines like Zoo, FHM and Maxim were pornographic till she found my real stash." "Men are no good at stopping and asking for directions." "would you agree with that, ladies?" "Men are no good at asking for directions." "But then maybe we wouldn't have to if you could read a fucking map!" "I've got no problem buying tampons." "I'm a fairly modern man." "But, apparently, they're not a "proper present"." "Happy birthday, Mum!" "Thank you very coming out." "You've been a great audience." "Cheers." "Good night." " Thanks very much." " (applause and cheering)" "Thanks very much."