" Mmm." " Mmm." "Best sandwich in the history of the world." "I wish I hadn't eaten the whole thing though." "Ooh." "Really feeling it." "Teddy, if I were you, I'd think twice before finishing that..." "You're not getting the rest of my sandwich." "Oscar, what have I told you about eating on the sofa?" "You're getting crumbs everywhere." "Hey, while you're at it, take a lap on my shirt." "My wife thinks I'm off carbs." "Okay." "Oh, that tickles." "That tickles, Felix." "Mail came." "We both got these." "Ooh, looks like a wedding invitation." "Apparently the theme is clutter." "There's another one?" "He's got them stashed all over the apartment like an alcoholic." "I found one in the bookcase behind my vodka." "Oh, look." "Steffie Beach is getting married again." "Who's Steffie Beach?" "Ah." "Part of our old college crowd, which means..." "Ashley will be there." "Your ex." "Sounds awkward." "Is it?" "Or is it the perfect opportunity to show her that I've changed?" "I'm sticking with awkward." "Felix, in what way have you changed?" "Oh, well, as you know, Ashley's biggest complaint about me is that I was a compulsive, critical fussbudget." "Which I pointed out to her was actually three different complaints." "But after a month under your sloppy tutelage, old fussy Felix has been upgraded to Felix 2.0." "Lots more fun, same great posture." "And then what?" "She's gonna suddenly call off the divorce?" "Well, no, but maybe she'll go back to couples counseling with me." "Especially when my bro Oscar tells her how much I've changed." "Felix 2.0 says "bro."" "So I get to put on a suit and talk about how great you are?" "I was hoping to avoid that until your funeral." "Fine." "Stay home." "I'll say hi to... pause for effect..." " Olivia." " Olivia?" "She's the bride's sister; you know she's going to be there." "Plus, I heard she's recently divorced, too." " Who's Olivia?" " This really hot woman" "I lusted after all through college." "We almost hooked up at a party, but then the paramedics came because someone discovered he had an allergic reaction to the wheat in beer." "How many times do I have to apologize?" "!" "This is my chance to make things right." "It'll be like when time travelers go back to Lincoln's assassination and, you know, sleep with a really hot woman." "Well, you're both free." "I mean, who knows what could happen?" "Yeah, he's right." "There's something about weddings." "Oh, Diane wouldn't look at me twice until we ran into each other at a wedding." "A little drinking, a little dancing." "Flash forward to our silver anniversary, coming up on the 12th." "Isn't today the 12th?" "Oh, crap." "Florist downstairs" " closes in ten." " Yeah." "Oscar, today's not the 12th." "I know." "Oscar, you liar, open up!" "I want my damn sandwich!" "Sorry, can't hear you!" "It's not a toy." "Come in." "Oh, hey, Dani." "Am I interrupting your work?" "Yes, thank God." "I'm writing Oscar's apology letters for the month." "He offends a lot of people on his show." "Athletes, fans, the Coast Guard." "He called them the fake Navy." "Well, don't let me stop you." "I'm just looking for Felix." "Oh, here comes my favorite part of the day." "Emily's excuse for spending time with Felix." "What?" "That's ridiculous." "I just need someone to open this jar for me." "Okay, so I like hanging out with Felix." "He's a smart, interesting guy, who I occasionally have dreams about." "Mm-hmm." "Well, it's over." "All is lost." "Guess whose wife has a sexy new boyfriend." "I'm not gonna play because I already know the answer." "It's me." "I tracked down Steffie's wedding planner and asked to be seated at Ashley's table." "Turns out she's bringing a date." "A man named Chad Bannister." "He sounds handsome." "He is." "I Googled him." "Wavy hair and the dark soulful eyes of a sad anchorman." "Well, at least it's not a fireman." "You'll never win with a fireman." "Well, it doesn't matter, because I am not going." "I'm not gonna put myself through the torture of watching" "Ashley canoodle with some beefcake." "Did he just say "beefcake"?" "But "canoodle" you're fine with?" "I'm sorry, Felix, but it was bound to happen." "She's moved on, and maybe it's time you do, too." "Dani's right." "Instead of obsessing, why don't you show up with your own date?" "I mean, you must know someone who would love to go with you." "Foot off the gas." "Let him find it." "No, no, you're right." "Old Felix would have stayed home and sulked." "But new loosey-goosey Felix goes out." "Makes the women say, "Who's that loose goose?"" "But the wedding is tomorrow." " How am I gonna find a date on such short notice?" " Hey..." "No." "How about Emily?" "That's great." "Emily, you must have some hot friends." "No, I think Emily would be perfect as Felix's plus-one." "Emily?" "Sure." "I'm a great fake date." "I went to all my cousins' proms." " Wonderful." " Okay, well, all right." "Um, looks like I need to find a dress." "Do you have any requests?" "Oh, choose whatever you like." "Remember, loosey-goosey Felix." "Okay, maybe I'll wear my purple maxi dress." "To a wedding?" "I said loosey-goosey, not tacky-wacky." "Oscar, where is your gift?" "I'm waiting the full year before I buy her a gift again." "Fool me once." "Emily, I can't tell you how much" "I appreciate you doing this for me." "I hope I'm not putting you in a difficult position." "Oh, Felix, you can put me in any position you want." "Oh, I don't mean that sexually." "Not that I hate sex." "I don't." "I love it." "Not in a whore way." "Shrimp toast." "Oscar, there's Olivia." "Oh, wow, she looks great." "Okay, here we go." "Magic time." " What are you doing?" " All part of my game plan." "Five phases, ending in sex." "Phase one: active ignoring." "Good one, Felix!" "I love stories!" "Oscar, I think she sees you." "Perfect." "Commencing phase two:" "fake friend across the room." "Yes, Elliot, I will come towards you." "How about I get us some champagne?" "That would be lovely." "Felix?" "Ashley." "Hi." "Hello." "You look stunning." "You, too, Felix." "I always liked that suit." " Oh." "Uh..." " Oh." " Yeah." " Uh..." "That's good." "Hey, how's living with Oscar?" "I haven't seen anything on the news, so I assumed you hadn't killed each other yet." "No, it's actually been going quite well." "You'd be surprised how much living with him has loosened me up." "I am now a totally chill dude." "So eight years of marriage counseling, nothing, but one month with Oscar and you're a new man?" "Yeah." "It's like shock therapy." "I don't even remember the first two weeks." "Oh..." "No, I'm really glad we can laugh." "I was afraid this might be awkward." "Awkward?" "How could this be awkward?" "Just... two people hanging out." " Oh, I want to introduce you to Chad." " Two people and Chad." "There you are, you gorgeous bitch." "Hi, I'm Chad." "And this is Hugo Boss." "My undies are Marc Jacobs, but that's probably too much information." "No, I think it's just enough." "Okay, be my eyes." "Where is she?" "Uh..." "Oh, heading this way, about ten feet out." "Three, two..." "I don't care how much it costs, those are orphans!" "Get them out of there!" "Oh, hey, Olivia." "Oscar, hi!" "It's great to see you." "Well, your sister got married." "You must be so happy." "I am." "For her." "But when you're fresh off of a divorce, last place you want to be is a wedding." "Ha." "Tell me about it." "Part of me just wants to be that bridesmaid who gets drunk, grabs the nearest guy and gets crazy." "Can I buy that part of you a drink?" "Oh." " Too funny." " No." "Wait, you thought Chad was my date?" "Oh... the thought may have occurred to me." "Felix, give me some credit." "You think I'm so insensitive that I would bring a date to an event where I'd know you'd be?" "Oh, there you are, Felix." "Aren't you going to introduce me?" "Oh." "Did you bring a date?" "Hmm?" "What?" "Her?" "Huh?" "Oh, what?" "No, no." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Uh, this is Emily." "Oscar's girlfriend." "Oh." "I didn't know he was seeing anyone." "Well... it's recent." "Now, where is that boyfriend of yours?" " Oscar!" " What is it, Felix?" "I'm kind of in the middle of something." "Oh, hey, Ashley." "Oscar." "I was just hearing about your new romance." "Oh, well, I wouldn't call it a romance." "But if I play my cards right, I might get lucky tonight." "Well, I feel like Emily would have some say in that." "Why?" "Last time I checked, it wasn't up to her." "Classy as ever, Oscar." "I'll catch up with you later." "What's going on?" "Emily is now your date." "What?" "!" "No!" "Why?" "Ashley didn't bring a date, she brought a sassy sidekick!" "So I get stuck with Emily?" "No offense." "Some taken." "Don't you see what this means?" "Ashley hasn't moved on." "I have to get some water." "I'm feeling the flush of hope." "All right, well, keep a low profile." "If Olivia thinks we're together, it'll ruin everything." "I missed my chance with her in college." "I'm not gonna let anything stand in the way this time." "Oscar Madison!" "Oh, my good God." "Deena." "Is this fate or what?" "Oscar and I work together." "Well, I'm an advertiser on his show, but a big one!" "Too big to ignore." "Oscar," "I hear you're divorced." "We always had this little" ""will they or won't they" thing going on." "Mostly won't." "Well, that's just because we were never single at the same time." "But now I guess the question is:" ""When they?" and "Where they?"" "Well, I think the answer has to be "never" and "nowhere," because this is my fiancée, Emily." "It's very recent." "You're engaged?" "Really?" "Yeah." "I took a look at that little... brown head and thought," ""Sure." "Why not?"" "And I have daddy issues, so..." "Well, bye, Deena." " So now I'm your fiancée?" " I had to shut her down, or she'd be all over me in front of Olivia." "Thanks for not busting me." "No, thank you for promoting my jewelry business on your radio show next week." "You're blackmailing me." "I'm so impressed." "I know." "I did it really good, right?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "It's called a centerpiece, not a jarringly off-centerpiece." "Felix?" "I thought living with Oscar had loosened you up." "Oh." "Oh, it has." "Mm." "It's funny, things that used to drive me crazy," "I just don't even notice anymore." "So you won't care if I do this?" "Not a bit." "You're not gonna fix it as soon as I walk away?" "No big dealio." "Felix, I need to park Emily here with you." "Maybe there's a bike rack you guys can chain me to." "If Olivia thinks we're a couple, I'll lose my shot." "Also, did you just wake up?" "Oscar, look, I feel for you, I really do, but you promised that you would talk me up to Ashley and convince her that I've changed." "Go!" "Now!" "Tell her about the time I ate nachos." "So, tell me, Oscar, how is Felix doing?" "Well, it was difficult at first." "He was in a pretty dark place." "Hmm." "Must have been." "He chose to live with you." "I forgot, we don't like each other." "No, but, Ashley, he's really changed." "He's, uh, really loosened up." "Whole new man." "Nachos." "He eats nachos." "Olivia?" "Oscar, I've been looking for you." "I have a confession to make." "I was really hoping you'd be here tonight." " You were?" " Yeah." "Remember that party in college?" "Seemed like you and I almost... got together." "God, I've thought about that night a lot." "Really?" "Well, maybe now is our chance to make up for it." "Oscar Madison!" "Deena." "It's Deena." "Where's your fiancée?" " No, no." " Fiancée?" "Oh, you haven't met her?" "Oh, she's lovely." "Oh, here she is." "Emily." "I guess you forgot to tell me about her." "I'm Olivia." "Congratulations on your engagement." "Good luck with this one." "Wait." "Oscar, you told her that we're engaged?" "I thought you were gonna tell her that you liked her." "Oh." "Now I see what's going on here." "You two... have an open relationship." "Room 284." "Well, I'm kind of beat." "You go ahead, honey." "Okay, you've made your point." "Just let me fix your hair." "Oh, I had forgotten all about that." "But if it's driving you crazy to the point where you can't think of anything else, go ahead." "Oh, you know what?" "Oh, that's funny." "Oh, here's a comb." "Why don't I take a crack at it there?" "Hmm." "There he is." "There's the Felix I remember." "Chicken satay with spicy Thai dipping sauce?" "Well, do you remember me doing this?" "Whoop." "Well, she did say it was a tie dipping sauce." "Napkin?" "Mm, no." "No need, no need." "Mmm!" " Wow." " Mm-hmm." "Old Felix would've been thinking about all those microbes hiding in the ridges of his fingertips." "I won't lie to you." "That did occur to new Felix, as well." "But life is short." "Probably a little bit shorter now." "Well, good for you." "You really are trying to change." "Can you believe Ashley stayed married to him for 15 years?" " You mean Felix?" " I mean, I love her, but the poor girl was born without gay-dar." "Olivia, can we please talk?" "Are you sure I won't be keeping you from your fiancée?" "No, look, here's the thing." "Emily's not really my fiancée." "That was just a cover." "This woman's been chasing me, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I lied about my situation." "Oh." "Then who is Emily?" "She lives in the apartment above Felix and me." "Wait." "You and Felix live together?" "Yeah, we hooked up right after his divorce." "Oh, now I get it." "You and Felix." "Wow!" "I did not see that coming." "Yeah." "Neither did I." "I mean, sure, we had some fun in college, but..." "I never thought I'd be waking up to that face every morning." "Well, I am happy for you." "Oh, thank you." "And, listen, I'm sorry about lying earlier." "If there's anyone I wanted to be straight with, it's you." "Felix, if you're going to invite a girl to a wedding, the least you could do is ask her to dance." "You're absolutely right." "Emily, may I have this dance?" "You may." "I'm really happy that you moved into the building." "Me, too." "It's been nice getting to know you." "Opening all of your jars." "Isn't it funny how everything has to line up just right to bring two people together?" "I mean, all the things that had to happen so you and I would end up here." "I-I'm sorry." "What were you saying?" "I was a little bit distracted." "I was saying, thank you for this dance, Felix." "Now, why don't you go dance with your wife?" "I think I will." "Thank you for everything, Emily." "You're a good friend." " What?" " The song." "I don't do fast dancing." "But, Felix, it's easy." "Just, um..." "Just loosen your shoulders and... and unlock your hips." "Wow." "Nothing is happening." "Okay, um... oh, uh, why don't you grab your wife's hand and spin her around like a Dyson ball vacuum?" " I can do that." " Okay." "Ashley?" "May I have this dance for old times' sake?" "Isn't this music a little fast for you?" "Oh, the faster the better." "Oh." "Oh, wow!" "Where did this come from?" " I've unlocked my hips, and I threw away the key!" " Oh." "Hey, I'm all done with pictures." "Oh, great." "I hear there's this terrific view from the rooftop bar if you want to go check it out." "Is Felix okay?" " What's wrong?" " Throat's closed." "Allergic reaction." "Dipping sauce must have had cumin!" "What happened?" "In-in my coat pocket..." "you will find an..." "EpiPen." " Oh." " It's okay." "He'll be fine now." "I'll go get you some water." "Thank you." "Oh, Ashley." "You never stopped carrying my EpiPen." "You still care." "Oh, Felix, we were married for 15 years." "Of course I care." "It's just living with you that drove me crazy." "Even if I've changed?" "I think it's great that you're trying to change, but you can't do it for me." "Can't think of a better reason." "You're a sweet, strange man, Felix Unger." "Well, Ashley may not want you back, but she doesn't want you dead either, so that's something, right?" "I don't know what I was thinking, pretending to be someone I'm not." "I made the same mistake with Olivia, buddy boy." "But I think I cleared the air, and she's seeing me in a whole new light." "Is he okay?" "Yeah, but I should get him home." "Can we have that drink tomorrow?" "No, I fly out in the morning." "But maybe next time I'm in town." "We can go shopping or see a show." "Uh... okay." "Olivia, I want you to know, this is the sweetest, kindest, most loving man on Earth." "Stop it, Felix." "You're embarrassing me." "Let's go home."