"Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "No, no, no!" "That's not good." "Killing the audience?" "No, no, no!" "No!" "I don't know." "No, give them gifts." "Oh." "Yeah." "Do it." "Keep going." "Are they facing you or the" "I still can't tell." "Facing you or the other way?" "Is this the Total Recall lady?" "That you're like" "You've never had sex, have you?" "No, no, no, no." "I'm a straight-up virg." "And I'm the coolest virgin." "Me, no, man, I don't touch that stuff." "You should try it." "It's great." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "No, I don't get into hype." "Forget the hype." "Fuck the... type?" "Of woman you desire." "All of his lyrics are just mostly parenthesis after an actual line." "Yeah." "That's not true." "Here, be my boo-diful woman that I... will love forever." "When am I on?" "We have you going first at this point." "Are you good with that?" "No, why am I" "Wh-- anybody could go first." "When do you want to go?" "Maybe first is fine." "They" " I mean, they do a bit of time up top.." "so you-- it's like the crowd will be definitely warmed-up." "What if nobody goes first?" "Oh, that's a great idea." "And then we could start with the second." "So, we start with second." "So you want to go second, then?" "I'm the second-- magic guy is gonna go second." "Just as long as it's not first." "The worst job I ever had was I introduced movies." "It's like I would have to go, "Hey, you're here to see-- well, you bought the ticket."" "And then-- It's so useless." "Yeah, it stars-- look at the fucking poster." "And then they're just like and the running time is-- what else you gonna do?" "What else are you gonna do?" "You're here." "Are you gonna leave halfway through the movie?" "Yeah." "And then the worst time I ever had to do" " I got so upset... because there was a bunch of people there for Episode 3 of Star Wars." "Ooh, Star Wars 3, that's the worst thing that's ever happened." "Yes, and I had already seen the movie, because the employees got to see it." "And it was not good, and I got upset at all these kids... just coming to see the movie, dressed up." "With hope." "With their stupid hope." "Yeah." "And so, when I got up in front of like 800 people in this theater..." "I was like, "What are you gonna do now?" ""Last Star Wars, what are you gonna do with your life?"" "And then, people started booing me, and I was like..." ""Come on!" "This is the one where you find out how Dark Vader becomes like Captain Picard."" "I did this thing once, someone gave me like a paper weight... that had the Enterprise on it from Star Trek." "And to see what would happen, I put it on eBay and I said..." "As you can tell by the picture, it's the Millennium Falcon." "And people got so angry!" "Yeah." "And then I was like, "Aw, come on." "Put your sabers on stun."" "Perfect." "Did you get fired?" "No, no, I went up to the manager, who I didn't know was there, and I was like..." "Whoa, I'm sorry." "He was like, "I totally get it." "I agree with you." "These nerds suck."" "These nerds suck!" "This is my impression of Marc." "I don't want to do that." "I don't want to do that." "What am I supposed to go on?" "I can't-- you know what?" "Fuck this." "I'm gonna go at" " Am I first?" "You third?" "Is it first or la-- I can't do that." "I don't think he knows my name yet." "Hey, magic!" "Yeah, I'll take that." "Tragic and funnies-- half and half, magic act" "When are you on?" "Shut up." "Who's up?" "Who's up next?" "No, I'm just trying to figure out what the order is..." "I don't feel like going first." "I guess I'll go last." "Let the magic guy go first." "We were imagined-- go first." "Like, I'm" " I'm suppressing a lot of anger... always." "The trick is, I'm trying to close the gap between being angry and apologizing." "I'm trying to get that tightened up a little bit." "Like, I've gotten it to the point where I've actually had this moment... where I'm like, "Shut the fuck up!" "I am sorry!"" "It's the same with contempt and empathy, very close for me." "Like I was just walking down the street." "I see a guy, I don't know the guy." "Don't know anything about the guy." "I look up, my brain goes, "Screw that guy."" "Like that quickly." ""Fuck that guy."" "But then like within two seconds, my brain went, "Aw, he's sad."" "Very close." "I think when they're that close, you can call that contem-pathy." "Which I think is a fine concept." "I used to live in New York." "I've been in LA for about a decade." "I left New York and I don't miss it, I don't care about it." "I don't compare the two cities." "I was ready to leave New York." "And there's nothing to complain about really, here, I find." "Except for one thing and it's a fairly hackney thing... but it's an absolute truth." "I know for a fact that if I get into my car... within 20 minutes, I'm gonna be fucking furious." "Like within 20 minutes, I'll just be in my car..." "like that!" "And I can only hope that like two people who drive up beside me... and one'll say to the other like, "What's that guy mad about?"" "And the other guy will say like, "I don't know, but it happened a long time ago, I think."" "I think that traffic, as a reality... that we can explore existential issues in a very real way." "Like justice, closure" "Like have you had the moment where you're there." "You've invested the time." "You have no choice." "Let's say-- let's give it 35 minutes." "You're kind of not moving much." "Then it starts to move a little bit." "And then it starts to move freely, but there's no evidence of anything causing it." "So, and you have that moment when you're like, "That was about fucking nothing?"" "Like there's-- there's no justice in the world?" "There's no explanation for that." "Like, I don't think I wanted to see a dead guy." "I didn't want to see a dead guy." "But an aggravated guy, you know, with a fucked up car going..." ""Heh-heh", you know, like that would be good." "Just so I could say like, "Fuck that guy." ""Naw, he's in trouble."" "Bravo!" "What?" "Bravo for the performance on the stage!" "JONAH (O.S.) Who-- who are you?" "It is I, the Sheriff of Nottingham." "Silence, you fools!" "Oh!" "Uh-uh-uh-uh." "Out of here." "Allow me to reintroduce myself." "I am the Sheriff of Nottingham... and the duly appointed magistrate of the Sherwood Forest." "I am here for one reason only." "I have a writ of attainder, a warrant for the arrest and immediate execution... of Robin of Locksley... for treason, arson... and destruction of the King's property." "I assure you, I'm authorized to conduct investigations... to round up and deal with as I desire" "Aw, fuck you." "All outlaws, scofflaws, brigands, braggarts and merry men." "So he's over here then, Robin Hood, I don't smell him." "I do smell Saxon blood, though." "Isn't that right, Friar Tuck?" "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." "There's no way to resist an evil blow job." "But I assure you, I am not merely a caricature of a gay villain." "I love it." "Yeah, that's true." "Cry not, weep not, tremble little... for today is your wedding day!" "Bring the matrimonial wine!" "Thank you." "Kneel!" "Do I, Reginald Birmingham Oglethorpe... the 28th, and right honorable good Sheriff of Nottingham... take you to be my" "Yes, I do." "And do you, Marian, whore... take me to be your master for ever and ever?" "No matter what I do to you?" "She does!" "She does!" "She does!" "Gah--!" "Away with us, Marian!" "And if Robin, you coward Saxon dog be here!" "Come quickly as I come slowly inside of your beloved." "Come, Robin Hood!" "Where's the fucking door?" "Come, Robin Hood!" "James Adomian, everybody!" "Come here, come here." "Oh, my goodness." "Are you okay?" "Uh, yes." "What's your name?" "I'm Autumn." "You're so great, Autumn." "Oh, no problem." "Can I get you anything?" "I worked at a sex toy warehouse." "Sex toy warehouse?" "Yeah, it wasn't the name of the store." "It was just a real warehouse where they put the sex toys." "Like-- like when you" " Sir, when you go to the sex toy store..." "Sir, when you go to the sex toy store." "No, no, no, no." "No, you, bro!" "Yeah, yeah." "When you go to the sex toy store, sir... you don't think of the guy who's job it is to carry the dildos from the warehouse to the truck." "Well, that was me for a week." "I had to carry dildos every day, 20 of them." "I got better at it, you know." "Better at carrying them." "Yeah." "And my boss would always call them items or merchandise." "And I'm all wanting to be like, "You mean dildos?" "Yeah." ""Say dildos."" "Terrible job." "Less than minimum wage." "I made less than the minimum-- and he was like" "Well, the perks, you know?" "You get dildos at cost." "That was a great bit, you guys." "That was really great." "Ew." "Ew." "Isn't that over yet?" "No, I don't know the numbers." "It's Mickey." "It's Mickey." "I think that's all I know." "You're a good man, Chris." "I know, I'm pretty good." "I'm a pretty good dancer." "I know, I never used to be." "I never knew how to dance before." "I had one signature move which I kind of referred to as the climactic scene in Scarface." "Like there was a lot of like" "It's a lot of like limbs firing in all directions." "But then I really sat down." "I figured it out." "So I'm gonna tell you how to do it." "It's real easy." "All you do, is go out on the dance floor, you shut your eyes... and you pretend that you're surrounded... by thousands of dicks." "And you have to service exactly two at any given moment." "Don't get too into it, though." "Don't be like-- blah." "'Cause like-- just keep it simple." "Uh, I'm very filthy and I can't help it." "My girlfriend was like, "You should try writing a smart joke."" "So, I said, "Okay, pre-calculus... is the part that dribbles out before the calculus shoots out." "I can't help it." "I can't help it." "One time, I fucked a blow-up doll." "It's not weird, I was 19-years-old." "Like someone gave it to me for my birthday... and you can fuck your presents if you want to." "You can totally fuck any one of your presents if you want to." "If it happens to be shaped like a plastic lady... you're in luck, great." "So, I was 19, it was a very standard-issue blow-up doll." "Just that sort of like-- that kind of look." "The standard-issue blow-up doll sort of looks like" "It has this expression like if you were driving really late at night... and someone ran in front of your car and you slammed on the brakes... and you almost hit him, but you didn't... and then they just went" "But in that instance, you don't go, "Oh, I should put a dick in there."" "Like, you don't do that." "I had it, it was" "The roommates went to sleep." "It was 3:00 in the morning." "I crept into the bathroom with it, her, it." "Her?" "Her." "It?" "It, you think so?" "All right, okay." "I guess this doesn't even really matter." "Like, it's just latex... like it could be shaped like Barney the dinosaur and it wouldn't fucking matter." "I hope that would never be the case." "So, I take it into the bathroom." "There's no lock." "So at any time, one of my roommates could come in and th" "You can't explain that!" "There is no way that you can" "You can't talk your way out of it." "You can't be like, "Uh, this isn't mine."" "Like there's nothing you can say if they catch you." "So if, by the way... you are ever caught in the middle of the night doing something perverse..." "The best tactic that you have is to commit to your act." "Try to trick your roommate into thinking they're dreaming." "So just don't break eye contact." "Continue your activity... and just be like, "And those reports better be on my desk by 9:00 AM."" "He'll be like, "Right, 9:00 AM, okay."" "So the blow-up doll, like we-- I-- it starts, it's weird." "It sounds like the noises sound like someone's" "A clown is twisting balloon animals with a gun to his head." "And it started to deflate." "R'oh." "Which would be an amazing mutant power for a woman to have." "Like if you started to fuck someone and you were instantly like, "Uck, I'm out of here."" "Pfff." "Just watch the guy be like, "What is happening?" "What magic is this?"" "Black." "Okay." "John-- Red." "Club or Spade?" "Spade." "High or low?" "Low." "Uh, two, three, four, five or six?" "Six." "So you agree this was democratically chosen, this card?" "Yes." "The six of Spades." "Yes." "My pack of cards." "You want to get closer to this, this is exciting." "Uh, I went through the deck before the night began... and I took one card." "Stop it." "And I turned it the other way." "Sure." "One card." "And you democratically chose one card?" "The six of Spades?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "The six of Spades." "How'd he do that, John?" "You're a smart fellow." "Six." "Do you know how he did it?" "Ladies and gentlemen, I've shrouded myself behind a cloth of darkness to build suspense." "Can I get an ooh-ahh." "Ooh... aah!" "There's a dude in the front row with the sweet moustache." "To my right, what is your name, sir?" "Vincent." "Vincent, you're about to get magi-shed." "Name any type of vegetable or fruit." "Kumquat." "Kumquat." "Shit... uh" "Hello!" "Um, magic, audience participation, best part of any magic show." "So I'm gonna get somebody on stage." "I'm gonna choose this person at random, though... by tossing an object out, so whoever catches it will be the person, so it's totally fair." "All right?" "Head's up." "If we could" "Good catch." "What's your name?" "Give it up for Josh." "You know what's gonna suck." "Everyone's gonna see this and be like, "Well that's clearly a magic Coke can."" "You could say-- Want the viewers to know, just so you know..." "When I normally do this bit." "It's a regular can of Coke." "Store-bought can of Coke." "We had to do this, because" "Because Comedy Central doesn't want to pay Coke." "I'm gonna pour you a cup of Coke, Josh." "I want you to do me a favor." "I want you to hold this in your left hand... and hold it as if you're cheers-ing the back of the audience." "Okay." "Okay?" "And I will do the same thing, as well." "Real quick for the ladies." "Uh, take the cup, rest it on top of your head." "Don't let go." "Okay." "We're gonna cause the cola in the cups to vanish using our minds." "Audience, give me a "no way"." "No way!" "They say that, because it's impossible." "You have to follow my instructions." "Watch me carefully." "I face front, I shut my eyes." "I'm gonna stand on my mark... and I'm gonna slowly rotate in a counter-clockwise revolution like this." "Thinking magic thoughts until I feel the lights again." "And then I open up my eyes." "Can you handle that, Josh?" "Face front." "Shut your eyes tightly." "Slowly rotate in a counter-clockwise revolution." "Slowly." "Perfect." "Perfect." "Perfect." "Keep going... and then you'll feel the lights." "Which means you made a full 360, open your eyes." "Perfect." "And you can feel the Coke is still there?" "Yeah." "Okay, well, we haven't done step 2." "Step 2 is the incantation." "I'll do it first, the incantation." "Amazing." "All right." "Step 3 is the vanish, the tah-dah." "I'll do it first." "You'll just observe." "And then I'll tell you when it's your turn." "Okay, here we go." "Vanishing cola trick." "One, two, three." "It's pretty cool, right?" "Yeah." "You may have noticed, by the way, as well... when I turned the cup over, the crowd didn't freak out... like they should when they witness a miracle... in person." "But it's not their fault, okay?" "They mentioned-- they told them I was a magician before they introduced me... so then their guard goes up." "And, plus, I'm a magician, so this is my job." "But, you, Josh, are not a magician." "Which means if you make the Coke disappear, that'd be highly out of context... and the crowd would go wild." "You would go wild, yes?" "Okay, so, I'm gonna count to three." "When I get to three, you're gonna slowly turn it over on top of your head." "One, two, three." "Josh!" "I'm gonna use what's left in the can here." "Watch the dents." "Can you guys see the dents in the can?" "Watch the dents." "You guys act like that happens all the time." "Here, watch the top, watch the top." "We'll take it to another level." "Watch the top." "Imagine-- this is for you, Josh." "Imagine the emptiness, the void, the vacuum, the nothingness." "Imagine it just gradually, gradually..." "Josh... here, buddy." "Thank you." "JONAH (O.S.):" "Justin Willman, everybody!" "KUMAIL (O.S.):" "Justin Willman, everybody." "Thanks for coming to The Meltdown!" "That's our show!" "That's our show, goodnight!" "Thank you so much." "Thank you so much for coming!" "JONAH (O.S.):" "Thank you so much." "KUMAIL (O.S.):" "Unreal." "Get the banana." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Is that cool?" "Please do so." "All right, home viewers..." "This is a little gift for the home viewers." "This is the mystery of the silver ball." "Watch the silver ball." "It gets lighter until it's floating." "What the fuck?" "What?" "How does he do it?" "It's a soup ladle." "It's a soup ladle." "Oh, oh."