"(barking orders)" "(piano playing boogie-woogie)" "Dear Emma..." "But it only costs 17 bucks." "And I only wore it once." "What am I gonna do with a tuxedo?" "Hey, has anybody seen...?" "Has anybody seen Sergeant Bilko?" "I got a buck I want to put in his basketball pool." "Hey, look who's looking for Bilko." "Save your money, Riley." "What if you win?" "He can't pay off, he's broke." "Bilko broke?" "That's right." "Didn't you hear?" "Bilko's three poker pigeons," "Sowici, Pendleton and Grover finally did it-- took him for his bankroll." "250 bucks." "Well, wait till he gets 'em in a game the next time." "There ain't gonna be a next time." "They're freezing him out." "They suddenly got a new rule-- you've got to show a bankroll." "A buck I make this shot." "Bet you don't." "He does." "He doesn't." "He does." "Hey, if they don't let Bilko play, how's he gonna get his bankroll?" "Pete, I wish you'd tell us." "Maybe we can get a little bit of sleep around here." "This is the first money anyone's had the nerve to flash all week." "(all laughing)" "Hello, fellows." "Boys, maybe it's my imagination, but I get the feeling you guys have been avoiding me lately." "Somehow or other, that old give-and-take spirit is gone." "Now, men, I can understand your not getting into my football pool or to my bed-making contest, but when not one ticket is sold to tomorrow night's dance, I" "They're the cheapest bunch of..." "Silence, Corporal Barbella." "Thrift and frugality is a virtue I like to see in my fellow soldiers." "But men, tomorrow night's dance is above that." "It's something close to our hearts." "You've all seen the calendar." "We're honoring the birthday of the 21st president of the United States" "Chester A. Arthur." "Now, men, make me proud of you." "Corporals, give these patriotic Americans a chance to buy tickets." "Because I know that when the chips are down, these-- Stop the sale." "Men, I find it hard to believe that three dollars a ticket is going to stand in your way of paying tribute to a man who gave us... (snaps fingers) the Tariff Law of 1883." "A man who's responsible..." "(snaps fingers) for the Canal Treaty with Nicaragua." "Yo, fellas, the big poker game's over!" "How'd you do, Sowici?" "What does this look like, recruiting posters?" "Man!" "They all won." "Pendleton and Grover, too." "Well, who lost?" "From out of nowhere, some strange yardbird walked in on us." "He had a bankroll." "Insisted on playing." "What a sucker." "It was like shooting a sitting duck." "(laughing)" "And speaking of ducks-- here is a dead one." "(laughing)" "Oh, Mess Sergeant Sowici-- the Army's answer to Betty Crocker." "You know, we missed you, Bilko." "It was strange sitting down to a poker game and watching the cards being dealt from the top for a change." "You know the rules-- you have to show a bankroll to get into the game." "We gotta keep out the riffraff." "Riffraff." "(men laughing)" "That's a hot one." "Say, that was good the way he came out with that." ""Riffraff"-- funny, funny." "You poor slobs." "Anytime I want, you know what I can do?" "You're shooting blanks, Bilko." "We got your dough, and you ain't gonna con us out of it;" "you ain't gonna talk us out of it;" "in other words, all together, boys:" "(harmonizing):" "# You ain't #" "# Getting it # -# Back. #" "Oh, this is gay." "Jolly GIs at play." "Fun on the post." "You poor souls." "So, you decided to freeze me out, huh?" "Good boys." "And you men are gonna gang up to see that I stay frozen?" "Good boys." "Swell, that's the way it'll be." "From now on it's jungle warfare." "And remember one thing-- like the man says at Madison Square Garden," ""Protect yourself at all times."" "Two for flinching." "Yeah, it's a pity, ain't it?" "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." "And this is the big brain, the smartest guy on the post." "The handwriting was on the wall when the old man took his motor pool platoon away from him." "And now he's got a basic training squad." "Basic training." "You know, boys," "Bilko practically ain't in the Army anymore." "(all laughing) ...two, three, four." "Hup, two, three, four." "Hut, two..." "Platoon, halt." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Men..." "Men." "I must admit I was very happy what I saw out there today." "Happy." "Happy that you were too young for the last war, or we'd be still fighting it." "And, Higgins, get these men on the ball." "Stop moping around." "Atten...!" "All right, go to mess for chow." "These kids will drive me out of my mind." "Chow, chow." "Lunch, lunch." "(barking orders)" "Hut, two, three, two!" "Hut!" "14 years in the Army, I wind up with Ding Dong School." "What's the matter with Higgins?" "I don't know what's the matter with him." "He's got the blues or something." "Maybe it's the responsibility he's got." "Responsibility?" "Sure." "What do you mean responsibility?" "Higgins is holding the money for all the kids in the squad." "Over 200 bucks." "Go on." "Well, I know you don't like to take money from rookies, but maybe you could just sort of hold it for a while, and then pretend it's our bankroll, so's you can get back into the game, and..." "No, huh?" "No." "Just asked." "Just answered." "Higgins is holding that money for the kids when they go on their first furlough," "and nobody's gonna touch it." "(knocking on door)" "Why don't you get these records straight, so I can understand...?" "Come in." "You got this thing all loused up." "I ca" "Excuse me, Sergeant Bilko, could I speak to you a minute?" "Alone?" "Might as well in front of them." "They're gonna find out later, anyway." "What is it?" "Well, sir, you know that money I was holding for the squad?" "Was holding?" "Over $200." "Go on, go on, go..." "go ahead-- what?" "Well, last night," "I-I was passing by Sergeant Sowici's kitchen..." "Oh, no!" "Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead." "Well, I-I heard there was a poker game going on in there, and..." "You didn't." "Say it:" "You didn't." "You didn't." "He did." "This is the sucker Sowici was crowing about." "Why, those miserable meatballs." "They took these kids for their entire bankroll." "Oh, no, no, no, sir." "It was my fault." "You see, I was considered quite a poker player in college." "In college?" "!" "I-I really forced my way into that game." "You forced your way into a game with regular Army sergeants?" "Kid, you tell that to the psychiatrist and you can get out of the Army." "All right, all right, all right." "Oh, my gosh, I lost all the squad's money." "How do you like the...?" "All right, don't you worry about it." "I'll have you that money back in a week." "You're gonna have the money back?" "!" "Yeah." "Now go to mess, go on." "But how-how can you get the money back...?" "Get to lunch." "(barking):" "About face!" "Hut, hut!" "(door closes)" "How do you like those miserable meatballs?" "Taking advantage of a rookie." "Oh, no, no, no." "This time they've gone too far." "This time I'm really gonna give it to 'em." "Give it to 'em?" "They already got it." "$250 of our dough, $220 from Higgins." "470 clams." "That's civilian type money." "How are you gonna get it back?" "How?" "Psychology." "Psychology?" "!" "Yes, sir, psychology." "The whole post is waiting for me to make my move and get that $470 back, right?" "So are we." "Well, can I be bothered with chicken feed like that?" "No." "I'm too busy with the store." "Store...?" "The store?" "Did you say "store"?" "Yes, sir." "Our store." "We got a store?" "This ad's been running in the local paper for over a year." "It's an empty store for rent." "I've been saving it for an emergency just like this." "Here, you, go to town and rent me that store." "Rent the store?" "Yes, sir." "There it is right there." ""Store for rent." "Month's rent free for enterprising person." "George Crow Real Estate," etcetera." "Go, go, rent the..." "Sure, sure, sure, sure." "Just a minute" " Ernie, I was on the rifle range all day." "My ears." "With an empty store, we're gonna get the money back from Sowici and Pendleton and Grover?" "Get it back?" "They're gonna come in here personally and beg me to take it back." "Beg you to take it?" "Yes." "And Sowici-- sweet Sergeant Sowici-- he's gonna come in here on his hands and knees, with the money in his mouth, and he's gonna lay it at my feet." "Go, go, go." "On his hands and knees?" "Glad to have you on the post, Anderson." "Thank you, sir." "Ah, Mr. Crow, it isn't often we're visited by the mayor of Roseville." "Colonel Hall, I am not here to discuss the situation between your camp of soldiers and the town of Roseville." "One of your sergeants wishes to make a rental in a building I own." "According to Army regulations, you must countersign the leases." "There are two of them." "Isn't it strange, Mr. Crow, for a town that has continually slammed the door in the faces of my men-- American soldiers-- that you're going to allow a soldier to live there now?" "No soldier is living there." "It's a store." "And for business purposes only." "A store?" "Bilko-- renting an empty store?" "I'm afraid I'll have to..." "Uh, but sir, regulations state that outside activities are permissible if it does not interfere with his work." "That's right, Colonel." "Thank you." "That copy is yours." "Good day, Colonel." "Uh, I'll file this, sir." "What is Bilko up to now?" "File this." "Yes, sir." "Wow, here he goes again." "What is it?" "Bilko's rented an empty store." "An empty store?" "!" "Wait'll the boys hear about this." "Wait'll the girls hear about this." "Sorry, Lieutenant, this is an emergency." "What's Bilko gonna do with that store, Pendleton?" "What's the deal?" "How should I know?" "Sure, you'll never know." "You guys just took his money and froze him out, that's all." "Now who's frozen out?" "Out of what?" "It's just an empty store." "What are you talking about?" "It's just an empty store." "Oh, sure, it's just an empty store." "That's how Woolworth started-- with an empty store." "Stay away from him, you told us." "Freeze him out, you told us." "Now he's in on something big." "Who's frozen out now?" "More salt." "(Bilko whistling "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")" "Ernie, please, just once more!" "So we're in business." "We got a store." "An empty store." "So what do we do now?" "Nothing." "We just wait here till they bring us the money." "(knocking)" "They're a little sooner than I expected." "Come in." "Hi, Ernie!" "Hi, Ernie!" "Hi, Ernie." "Hiya, Pendleton, boys." "What's on your mind?" "Nothing." "It's just a friendly call." "I got a few new sharp jackets in from Quartermasters." "Fender!" "Naturally, I want you to be the first to have one." "Just for size." "Say, this is awful nice of you, Steve." "Listen, if pals don't stick together, what's the whole thing worth?" "So true, so true." "Oh, Ernie, what's this I hear about you renting a store in town?" "Store?" "Oh, yes, a store." "That's right." "Look, uh, shoulders with a sweep to 'em, you know what I mean?" "(snapping fingers)" "Fender, the shoulders!" "Uh, Ernie, what kind of a store is it?" "An empty store." "I know, but something must have appealed to ya." "Not in particular." "As a matter of fact, I haven't even seen it yet." "You haven't seen it?" "No." "What for?" "I know what's in there." "What?" "Nothing." "It's an empty store." "It stays empty." "Fender, listen, can you give me that Air Corps drape?" "You know what I mean?" "Fender, drape." "Ernie, uh, can you take in a few partners?" "Partners?" "In what?" "I told you it's an empty store." "I never heard anything as ridiculous." "Ernie, the boys in my platoon and I got this 140 bucks together." "We want in." "You gotta let us in on it." "Did you ever hear...?" "In on what?" "!" "It's an empty store!" "Fender, look, can you give me some pleats?" "Pleats?" "Give him pleats!" "Ernie, when the smartest operator in the whole United States Army suddenly decides to rent a store, we don't ask no questions." "We just want to be cut in." "Well, what can I do?" "You hear them." "They're begging." "All right, Rocco, you're the treasury." "Here, here's your lease." "You got a third of an empty store." "Ernie..." "You, you, you just stand there!" "Give me something with the sleeves; some character!" "Ernie, I'll never forget this." "I'm sure you won't." ""354 Oak Street."" "Come on, boys." "Get some trucks." "We'll go down and see our property." "Fender, until it fits." "We're in business!" "BILKO:" "Give me something..." "Padded should..." "Hello, Ernie." "Well, this is a day for visiting, isn't it?" "Just figured you might be hungry, so the boys fixed up some cold fruit for ya." "Oh, that's nice." "What is it, Sowici?" "Oh, nothing much." "Uh, we understand you rented an empty store..." "Out!" "And..." "Yeah, but the fellas asked me to..." "Out!" "They gave me the money to give..." "You don't want to do business with the riffraff, do ya?" "Out!" "Oh, I was only kidding, but the money..." "Out with the dead duck routine!" "Out!" "Out!" "The fellas..." "Well?" "Sergeant Bilko, I love you." "Flatterer." "Fender, the pleats, Fender!" "What?" "!" "Are you sure?" "Hundreds of soldiers are milling around in front of that empty store?" "What?" "What?" "Yes!" "Sure, I rented it to a soldier." "But the lease states that only the owner is allowed on the premises." "Huh?" "What?" "They say they're all partners?" "!" "Huh." "I'll go right down and deal with them, don't you worry." "Miss Facie, call the military police." "The military?" "Yes." "Yes, sir." "Oh, uh, Mr. Harper to see you." "What?" "Well, hi, Mr. Crow." "I'm sorry, Harper" "Well, look, I just wanted to talk to you about renting one of those two empty stores in that building on Oak Street that you have." "Yeah." "Now look, Harper, I..." "What?" "Rent?" "Yeah, there's a lot of soldiers down there." "It's pretty lively." "I want to get an ice cream parlor in one of those stores before somebody else thinks of it." "Why, sure, sure." "(clears throat) Miss Facie... make out a lease for Mr. Harper, will ya, please?" "Never figured that section would come to life." "Whew!" "Neither did I." "Fender, Fender, look, this is all right, but you're not capturing me!" "Give me a sweep." "Something..." "There she is, Ernie!" "Oh, Jim, you shouldn't have." "Ah, forget it, Ernie." "Friendship is above regulations." "My own telephone." "Hello, get me Honolulu." "(all laughing)" "Aw, Jim, how can I ever repay you?" "You know how." "120 bucks for a share in the store." "I'm begging you." "What can I do?" "He's begging me." "Treasurer, take their money." "Here, it's 120 bucks." "Here's your lease." "You got a third interest in the empty store." "Ah..." "Give me a little..." "Ernie, Ernie, I..." "Oh, thanks, Ernie." "Fender, do you think you got me at all in this outfit?" "SOWICI:" "Come and get it!" "A turkey dinner with all the trimmings, Ernie." "Out." "Out." "The fellas gave me the money." "Out." "Out." "We wanna invest..." "Take the money, Ernie, please?" "Out." "Out." "Out!" "We won it, but the fellas, believe me..." "They, they..." "Out!" "He knows the conditions." "On his hands and knees." "Out." "Fender, are you sure I can't get this in a charcoal gray?" "But sir, look at the bright side." "The boys have spent so much time in front of Bilko's store there hasn't been any gambling on the post for days." "Relax, sir." "Relax?" "No gambling on the post for days?" "What is he up to?" "Where are they gambling?" "REPORTER:" "Extra!" "G.I. gambling den raided!" "Empty store used as casino!" "Here's the man who rented it:" "Private Bilko, former sergeant." "Here's the man who okayed it:" "Sergeant Hall... former colonel." "Colonel Hall?" "I'll go quietly!" "Oh!" "Oh, it was a dream." "What do you want, Anderson?" "I found a copy of that lease, sir." "It's your signature, all right." "I know that!" "It's the only thing I do know!" "But I'm going to find out what's going on in this post!" "No, no-no, no." "You're not capturing me at all." "See what you're doing?" "You're covering the pleats." "Here's what I want:" "Give me a sweep, you know?" "Dashing, gay, but virile!" "Know what I mean?" "Never mind that shoulder." "This is the shoulder we're having trouble with." "You don't capture this one at all." "This is the one I parade with, you understand?" "Don't freeze on me now, Fender." "Come on." "Don't goof off." "(snaps fingers) Fender, you're fighting me." "Look..." "I got more trouble with" "Attention!" "Sergeant Bilko and his merry crew." "Corporal...?" "Barbella, sir." "Henshaw, sir." "And which one are you, Hart, Schaffner, or Marx?" "Sir, I'd like to explain..." "I can explain." "I can now explain why the Quartermaster Corps is always too busy to even sew on a button for me." "Custom-tailored uniforms." "Pleats!" "I've always dreamed of a jacket like that." "But Sergeant Bilko snaps his fingers and... (phone rings)" "Oh, no!" "I don't hear a telephone ring." "A telephone in a barracks?" "(ringing continues)" "Where is it?" "Mm... wh-where, where is what, sir?" "The telephone!" "(ringing)" "A private telephone." "I have to share mine with 14 officers." "(ringing continues)" "Sergeant Bilko is indisposed." ""Who is this?"" "This is his stooge... the commanding officer!" "Turkey dinners, uniforms custom-tailored, a private telephone." "(knocking)" "What next?" "# Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you #" "# Happy birthday, dear Ernie #" "(screaming):" "# Ha...!" "#" "(shouts)" "And on my birthday, he gave me a jelly donut." "Get back to your kitchen!" "Yes, sir." "Sergeant Bilko, may I use your phone?" "Oh, please do so." "Make yourself at home." "Anything you want here" "Get me Lieutenant Anderson." "Bilko, I don't know what's going on, but I do know that that store is at the bottom of all this." "Hello, Anderson." "Colonel Hall." "I..." "Never mind where I'm calling from." "Lieutenant, I want to have that store at 354 Oak Street declared off-limits immediately." "Put up signs all over the town and the post." "No soldier is allowed within a hundred feet of it." "Now... that's all we'll hear about that store." "Pleats." "Well, that does it." "You all heard the Colonel." "There's only one thing left to do." "Take out the pleats." "(muttering indistinctly)" "Oh, well, so now you like soldiers." "Yeah, when there's a chance of making a profit, I..." "Well, sure, we're making a profit." "But do you know where the profit's going?" "Into a service center for the boys." "A service center!" "Yes." "Every civic organization is behind it." "Colonel, for the first time in years, our town is coming to life." "Amazing!" "Who would want to make a profit from the boys?" "Yes." "Who?" "(Bilko humming nonchalantly)" "(snaps fingers)" "(humming continues)" "Okay, you're in." "Hey, good to have you onboard!" "Oh, boy!" "Well, men, now that we got all the partners here," "I think we should have a board of directors meeting." "Yeah." "Now, fellas, there's been something on my mind for quite a while." "I'd like to ask you about it." "Now, you boys own an empty store, right?" "Yeah." "Well, what are you gonna do with it?" "(laughing):" "What are we gonna do...?" "Well, we thought that you had..." "You own a third, you own a third and you own a third." "Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What about you?" "Don't you own a piece of it?" "Me?" "!" "I'm in the Army." "What would I want with an empty store?" "# And it's hi!" "hi!" "hee!" "in the field artillery...#" "Higgins!" "Yes, sir." "Sergeant Sowici's contribution." "Aw, gee, Sergeant Bilko, but what about you?" "Don't worry." "We got plenty left." "Oh, no, Sergeant, I can't take your money." "My..." "Now get in there and show some pep in this outfit." "Let me see some spirit." "(barking orders) ...hup!" "Right face!" "(barking cadence)" "# Over hill, over dale, and we hit that dusty trail... #" "And how about the money now?" "# As the caissons go rolling... #" "The money, the money." "It's working for us." "Yeah, but I got-- What...?" "Well, I couldn't hang around with a guy as smart as you all these years without having some of it rub off on me." "The money, Barbella." "We made over $400 on one empty store." "Imagine what we're gonna make with six of 'em." "Six of 'em?" "!" "That's what the money is doing:" "down payments on the only six empty stores left in Roseville." "Here are the leases." "Don't tell me." "You're kidding." "You didn't fall for the routine I...?" "I created my own monst..." "You thought...?" "!" "You...?" "!" "(muffled groan)" "But Sarge, it seemed like such a great..." "Who gave you such a stupid idea?" "!" "You." "You did." "ANNOUNCER:" "Sergeant Sowici was played by Harry Clark," "Sergeant Pendleton by Ned Glass," "Sergeant Grover by Jimmy Little, and Fender was portrayed by Herbie Faye."