"Most mornings I wake up thinking about the list, but sometimes I have more important things on my mind, like court." "I'm gonna ask the judge to smash this walnut with his judge hammer." "I bet it explodes like a death star." "You might be disappointed, Randy." "Like when you got that tow truck driver to drag your pumpkin." "He drove off before I could get the wig on it." "Earl, thanks again for loaning us all this money." "No problem, Crab Man." "Besides, what kind of man doesn't help his ex-wife make bail ?" "Recently," "Joy and Bargain Bag had a difference of opinion on their return policy." "You can't return this." "I have returned it, and somehow or another," "I'm gonna get my $3,000 back." " No, you won't." " Yes, I will." "No, you won't." "Yes, I will." "In Joy's opinion, they were being a little unethical, so she stole their truck." "And we found out there was more in the Bargain Bag truck than she bargained for." "I tried to help Joy, but she was going down a path I could not follow." "That path eventually led her to jail." "Damn it, Carla !" "Stop giving me flat tires." "That's the third one since we got off the bus." "Settle down." "Should I ask him now, Earl ?" "I saw a guy back there with some pistachios, and I don't want him to go before me." "I don't think he's here to get them cracked, Randy." "Joy Turner." "Yes, Your Highness." "Mrs. Turner, do you have an attorney today ?" "Oh, I don't need one." "Besides, I wasn't about to put my mouth anywhere near that pay phone after that meth head puked on it." "Very well." "Bail is set at $1 million." "Excuse me ?" "This is your third strike." "Third what ?" "Apparently, this incident wasn't Joy's first serious run-in with the law." "Back in 1996, Joy had a bright idea on how to make some extra money." "Can we get some more green ink in this machine ?" "Is that... ?" "Are you copying money ?" "Shh !" "Don't say anything." "I'll make it worth your while." "Ma'am, I'm afraid I can't let you..." " What are you doing ?" " We have a policy." " I signed a loyalty oath." " That is my fake money !" "That is my fake money !" "Copy responsibly !" "Copy responsibly !" "Strike one-- counterfeit." "And when Joy was getting taken for her first strike," " things got worse." " Easy, gorilla !" "I just bout these fingernails." "Don't like the process, don't do the crime." "Let go." "I can do it myself." "Damn it, you just broke one." "Strike two-- assault on a police officer." "Third strike ?" "I can't go away for life." "Hey !" "I want a deal." "I know things about all of those women." "Jesus did not tell Carla to kill her sick mama." "She just wanted to go out dancing." "Tell him the truth, Carla." "Don't lie." "Tell him." "I don't know if you remember me." "I was the guy with that pecan when my brother tried to steal the plane." "I don't know how you're gonna make bail, Joy." "The bondsman will cost ten percent." "That's a hundred grand." "I don't even have that much money left." "But you still have some, right ?" "We can take it and copy it and then have 100 grand." "You know, counterfeit." "You've really been focused on that walnut today, haven't you, Randy ?" "Guys, I'm a flea's fart away from life in prison here." "Someone needs to figure out what the hell we're gonna do." "Every group of friends has one person they turn to for advice." "Guns 'N Roses had Axel." "Knight Rider had the talking car." "And for my little circle of delinquents, the day I made my list to turn my life around, well, that person became me." "Why are you even worrying about this ?" "Joy is in jail." "We should be in the town square celebrating and tipping over a giant, evil statue of her." "Look, I know you don't like Joy, but I just can't let her sit in jail." "I don't like Joy, either." "I also don't like it when they put raisins in candy bars." "Are you done with your pulled pork ?" "Yeah, I-I can't eat." "Man, my eye's messed up." "Feels like there's a tiny little bug heart beating in my eyelid." "It's twitching." "That means you have stress." "I don't have stress." "Stress is for doctors and lawyers and... and Army guys who have to shoot dogs and whatnot." "What are you doing, Randy ?" "I'm making a list of rich people with a million dollars we can borrow for Joy's bail." ""The Beverly Hillbillies."" "They're super rich." "They're pretend, Randy." "Just like Richie Rich and Donald Trump." "They're just TV characters." "Well, the Jeffersons are real, right ?" "'Cause we saw Mr. Jefferson at the boat show last year." "Remember we gave him a dollar to say Weezie ?" "Randy, we're not getting any money from these guys." "If you're gonna come up with names, think of people, we... know." "There was a name on that bag we could use." "But Randy didn't write it." "It was the only rich guy we actually knew." "Chubby." "Richard Chubby was the richest man in Camden County." "He owned everything." "You wouldn't clean your body with discount chemicals, so why should you treat your clothes any differently ?" "'Cause if there's one thing your clothes can appreciate, it..." "The taste of sloe cooking with the sloppiest sauce around." "Now our meats are aged to perfection, and so be sure to bring your kids down for..." "Lap dance madness every Tuesday." "There's all kinds of fun going on at Club Chubby, so come on down !" "And don't forget, sweat pants are allowed, and truckers shower for free." "I wasn't lookin' forward to asking' Chubby for the money." "See, if he was poor, we'd call him crazy." "But since he was rich, we just called him sir." "So as you cas see, uh, Joy's really in a bind here, sir." "Woof." "Smell it ?" "Go on, smell it !" "Nice." "Vanilla." "Yeah." "Not you." "But I love vanilla." "It's my third favorite flavor." "All right, just a whiff." "Mmm." "Smells like a cupcake with boobies." "Open up." "This is a real classy joint, and I don't want to ever hear boobies around here." "You got that ?" "Uh-huh." "Vodka." "That's funny, 'cause Randy thought he was gonna get his head blown off." "I tell you, I got a problem, Earl." "I like Joy." "I like her a lot, but I like my money, too." "Chubby, you'll get your money back, I promise." "I'll tell you what." "I've had some trouble filling this place since my best dancer left." "If you guys could find her, get her dancing again, I'd be glad to sign Joy's bail." "Great." "So what's the dancer's name ?" "Uh... right over there." "Catalina ?" "I wonder if he's got any extras of those." "Oh, yeah." "We always knew that Catalina used to work at Club Chubby." "We just never realized she was their number one dancer." "Catalina's just got to dance again." "I've already imagined it, and it's great." "I'd show it to you, except it's inside my head." "I don't know, Randy." "It's kind of a hard thing to ask a friend." "Hey, Catalina, you feel like working for a crazy man and shaking your half-naked body for a bunch of sweaty drunks to help the woman you can't stand get out of jail ?" "I'm sorry, Earl." "After you said Catalina half-naked, I didn't hear any...." "Sorry." "I said Catalina half-naked, and I forgot what..." "I remember." "You said something about Catalina being half-naked, and I..." "I lost it again." "Sometimes Randy gets trapped in his own brain loop." "It also happens when he watches Back to the Future." "When he finally popped out of it, we went to talk to Catalina." "Wow." "Look at you... dancing." "The music and the movement keep the rats from attacking my ankles." "Do it, Earl." "Just remember don't start with the words "half-naked", because, uh..." "Wow." "So, uh, you've got some good moves." "You used to do that for a living, right ?" "Yeah." "I wonder which half's gonna be naked." "I hope it's the front half." "Randy !" "I remember now." "Club Chubby, right ?" "Say, was that, uh..." "was that a good experience ?" "I mean, you got to wear a bikini." "It's almost like getting paid to go to the beach, right ?" "Only instead of sand in your crack, you get dollar bills." "Yeah, it was the perfect job." "I made great money, it was glamorous, but unfortunely, it became too dangerous." "Catalina explained that her act was a little different, but made crowds go insane." "* Jump around, jump around *" "Most dancers at Club Chubby just danced." "But Catalina, she was special." "She jumped." "* Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump... *" "But in the end," "Catalina found the risks as a go-go dancer far too great." "* Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump *" "* Jump, jump, jump... *" "After seeing how deadly her jumping could be," "Catalina made a promise to herself." "I will never dance again." "Tell the part about the jumping again." "Look, if you enjoy dancing and love the extra money, it's crazy that you quit." "What if the family forgave you ?" "How could they ?" "I killed a husband and a father." "Listen, since I started the list," "I've found that people can be pretty understanding." "Unless you're a girl with one leg, but" "I think she was already angry to start with." "Anyway, I think you'll feel better if you talk to this guy's family." "No one apologized to me for the execution-style slaying of my cousins during the festival of redemption." "But you know what ?" "It would he felt nice." "I'll do it." "Jump around" "Jump around, jump up, jump up and get down." "I mean, when you're ready." "It turns out, the horny guy with the weak heart was a club regular." "So Chubby knew his name and that he had a family business." "Hello." "I'd like to see Mr. Tucker, Clark Tucker's son." "What is it regarding ?" "Tell him the woman is here who is responsible for his father's tragic death." "You are as beautiful as the legends describe." "The slayer of El Diablo has come !" "Mr. Tucker made us work 16 hours a day in a cramped sweltering hot room for almost no money." "You mean like... this ?" "Oh, no." "Mr. Tucker's son, he install a fan." "You see that, Catalina ?" "'Cause of you, this place isn't a sweatshop anymore." "Just a place for people to work unreasonable hours for low pay." "But at a comfortable 88 degrees." "Come." "I can dance again." "I was just turning it on high." "I was glad Catalina was willing to go back to Club Chubby because that meant I'd be able to get Joy out of jail soon." "But Randy was probably the happiest of all." "You're very good at this." "I used to help my mom with this before she did her mall walking." "Oh, does your mother like to exercise ?" "Let's not talk about my mom right now." "Okay." "Poochie, in about ten minutes, I'll be in my office, and I want you to send over a steak and a girl both drenched in hollandaise sauce." "Thanks for doing this, Chubby." "And if you don't mind," "I'd rather Catalina not know you're gonna bail Joy out tomorrow." "I hear you." "You getting a little something from both those gals ?" "Just a really bad case of eye twitches." "I got that from Desiree once." "Got to wash your hands real good and drink a lot of cranberry juice." "For a second, well, I thought my plan had worked out." "Hey, Earl." "Hey, Crab Man." "But then I realized what Darnell was holding." "See, when Darnell's happy with something you've done for him, he always thanks you the same way with homemade lemon squares." "As good as they were, those tasty little treats were going to screw up my plan." "Because Darnell wasn't giving them to me." "He was giving them to Catalina to thank her for bailing out Joy." "And there was only one response Catalina was going to have to that." "I will not jump for Joy." "Catalina was angry about the whole Club Chubby thing." "But there was someone else who was even angrier." "She wouldn't dance ?" "That's all them people do is dance." "Did you try throwing a hat down in front of her ?" "Hi." "My man's not here." "You want to chat ?" "Okay." "What are you in for ?" "I killed my man." "Look, Joy, people don't want to help you when you insult them." "That's why that troop of "flat-chested pygmy sluts"" "won't deliver Girl Scout cookies to you anymore." "Fine." "Whatever." "Just bring her down here and I'll apologize." "Really ?" "I didn't know you knew how to do that." "I'll do anything to get out of here, Earl." "It's horrible." "I can't even use the toilet in my cell because my roommate's making wine." "I'm sorry." "You seem really nice, but I just don't feel comfortable putting the phone down my pants and letting you talk to my stuff." "Generally, people don't like seeing their enemies, but they do like seeing their enemies behind bars." "Nice jumpsuit." "Ain't you sweet." "Now, Earl tells me that for some crazy reason, you think we're not friends." "The first time you saw me you called me a whore." "No." "You just misunderstood what I said." "Which is understandable, I mean, because you're Mexican." "I'm not Mexican." "Whatever." "You speak Mexican." "I speak Spanish." "Well, you both speak friendly, so let's just go with that." "Look, I'm not stupid." "I know you hate me." "And I know why you hate me." "It's because I'm hot." "Excuse me ?" "Damn it, there goes the eye again." "You're jealous of my hotness." "Admit it, and I'll consider using my incredible body to free you from prison." "But not the prison of your fat body for that, you have a life sentence." "I'm jealous ?" "Sweetheart, I'm about ten times hotter than you." " You're a man compared to me." " Really ?" "'Cause the line on my stomach is from my muscles" " and not a C-section scar." " That is not a C-section scar !" "That's from when my prom date stabbed me !" "I birthed my babies naturally !" "Then I'm sure your gatito is as saggy as your breasts !" "Do these look saggy to you ?" "!" "I could float half your village across a muddy river on these puppies !" "I've heard enough." "This was a hell of an apology." "Enjoy your jail time." "And by the way, your eyeballs are too big for your head." "You look like Finding Nemo." "My eyeballs are big ?" "!" "Yeah, well, all the better to see your fat ass waddle away with !" "Really ?" "You couldn't pretend to be nice for two minutes ?" "I've seen you act crippled for a half day just to skip the lines at Six Flags." "Look, I don't need her." "If all Chubby wants is a top earner, then I'll dance and earn more than she ever did." "I'm made in America, not a maid in America." "You'd be laughing if you could see how I spelled that in my head." "Chubby had always wanted to see Joy in a bikini, and he figured other people might like that, too... and he was right." "Had a bomb gone off in there that night, there wouldn't have been a straight man left in Camden." "God, there's a lot of people I know out there." "What the hell does my gyno expect to see that he hasn't seen already ?" "Man, why am I so nervous ?" "I don't know." "You've sure danced naked in front of us enough times." "I mean, not at the same time..." "Actually, there was that one time when I was hiding in the closet." "Wait, was that on Thanksgiving ?" " Yeah, we thought you fell asleep..." " I thought I heard something." " First, I thought it was a squirrel." " You know..." "Man that is the...." "Hey, can you ladies please take your tea party outside ?" "!" "I need to calm my nerves." "How long were you in there ?" " It was a couple hours, man..." " Oh, man." "I would've stayed and talked her through her stage fright, but it was clear Joy didn't need me." "All she needed was a nip of of whiskey." "Followed by a pint of tequila." "All right, Camden County." "It's time to turn your imaginations off and your eyeballs on for the sensual gyrations of Joy Turner !" "Hey, this ain't my song." "No, this ain't, this ain't my song." "* My blood runs cold... *" "Yes, it is." "Although Joy had consumed enough liquor to have the courage to get up on stage, well, she was dangerously close to falling off." "Change !" "What the hell do I look like, a fountain ?" "!" "* Angel is the centerfold, na-na, na-na-na-na... *" "Turns out, Joy was a fountain." "After she threw up on the entire front row," "Chubby called off the deal." "I can't go to jail, Earl." "I can't give up this freedom." "What are we gonna do now, Earl ?" "Hold on, Randy, I'm thinking." "Well, we don't have a lot of time." "They'll come get Joy as soon as Chubby takes his bail..." "I know, Crab Man." "Just give me a minute to think." "We don't have a minute, Earl !" "I need you to help me." "I can't raise them kids on my own." "You know those monsters, Earl, they'll eat him alive." "He can't even cook for his own damn self, how he's gonna cook for two boys ?" "I can't handle it." "I love my nephews, but..." "You know how I said every group looks to one guy for all the answers, and that guy is me ?" "Well, sometimes that guy passes out from the pressure." "Hey, Earl." "Hey, Crab Man." "I started to realize where I was and what happened..." "But then I heard that song, and, well, I figured I must be dreaming..." "Catalina's jumping, Earl." "It's just like it was in my head, only now I can show it to you." "...only I wasn't." "* So get out your seat and jump around *" "* Jump around *" "* Jump around *" "* Jump up, jump up and get down *" "* Jump, jump, jump * * jump, jump, jump *" "* Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump. *" "Let's give it up for Catalina !" "Hey." "So what made you change your mind about Joy ?" "Oh, I would never change my mind about Joy." "She's a butt bag." "A what ?" "A butt bag." "It's a bag of butts." "Anyway, when you passed out," "I realized you were killing yourself to help a friend." "Joy's gyno-cologo-colist said I had an anxiety attack." "I don't know why I let it all bother me so much." "Because you're a good man, a good friend." "Cared so much, it was tearing you apart." "I was the only one who could ease your pain, but I was being small and petty... a butt bag." "Gentlemen, let's see if we can get her back up here." "Now-- nice round of applause" " Catalina !" "Always remember this :" "When I jump, I jump for Earl." "I would never jump for Joy." "And just like that, Joy was out on bail." "Randy got to see what was already in his head." "My eye stopped twitching, and Catalina was back to doing something she loved, which made everybody happy." "Especially the truckers in sweatpants." "But, most importantly," "I realized that even though Catalina wasn't Joy's friend, she was definitely mine." "Hey, Earl ?" "Yeah, Randy ?" "If I had a squirt gun filled with Vodka," "I'd shoot cops with it, 'cause they couldn't get mad." "I think they'd still get mad, Randy." "Really ?" "But they'd be getting free vodka." "I'm gonna try." "Well, have fun, cause you only gonna get to do it once." " Good night, Randy." " Good night, Earl."