"What's that noise ?" "Parker and his friends- they're rehearsing for the high school's Battle of the Bands." "Oh." "How nice." "Well, if he wins, maybe he can put his trophy next to mine." "Oh, wait, that's right :" "I don't have a trophy." "Here we go." "Yep." "I would've won my high school Battle of the Bands, except I missed my set because you made me have sex with you under the stage." "Yeah, that's right, Bob." "You missed your set, 'cause of the 18 seconds of passion, not the 45-minute nap you took afterwards." "Bob, you got to let this thing go." "Do you really think you'd be a rock star today if you'd been in that stupid competition ?" "And what could've possibly stopped me ?" "Take a look in here, and I think you'll find your answer." "Hello, handsome." "Bob !" "You have to stop letting this Battle of the Bands thing haunt you." "I am not haunted by anything." "Pearce... will you please stop taunting your robot friend ?" "You're making him cry." "This isn't a robot, it's a theremin, the only instrument you play without touching it." "I got it from my best friend Morty Baumgarten." "Your best friend is our 80-year-old neighbor ?" "Yeah." "And you know how he's, like, the hippest guy around ?" "I-I know he's missing a hip." "Well, anyways, I've been taking theremin lessons on Tuesdays with Morty." "I'm gonna play this baby at the Battle of the Bands, introduce it to a whole new generation, and make Morty proud." "Well, at least he's got a new best friend- a real one, not Winky the invisible saw." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Winky's still my best friend." "I just can't find him." "Subtitles :" "Van' Transcripts :" "Raceman" "Hey, Paige, can I borrow your history book..." "Oh, hello." "Wasn't aware we had two lady friends visiting." "I only saw one when I peeked through the keyhole." "Patton, can I see you in the hallway, please ?" "Look, I know you don't like me spying on you, but if people weren't supposed to look through the keyholes, then why do they put them at eye level ?" "Listen, Patton, I need your help." "We're gonna be in Battle of the Bands, and we have our lip-synching down perfect." "You're lip-synching for the Battle of the Bands ?" "Yeah- when the music teacher heard us, she told us not to sing." "Ever." "Anyway, the problem is dancing." "Stephanie and Christy are terrible." "And you want me to spank 'em ?" "No." "Look, you're a really good dancer, and I was hoping you could help." "Hmm." "Watch two of the hottest girls in school bounce and jiggle." "Maybe a little hands-on training." "I'm all over it." "You'll do that for me ?" "Thank you." "That is so selfless." " You don't listen really, do you ?" " Thanks." "I just washed it." "Girls, good news." "Patton's gonna coach us." "What ?" "I know what you're thinking : he's short and creepy." "But... he's a really great dancer." "Show them." "Well, it's hard to top that intro, but, uh... feast your eyes on this." "Salsa." "See ?" "He'll really be able to help you guys." "And me." "Stephanie..." "let's see some moves." " I'm a Barbie girl In the Barbie world" " Okay, join in." "Like plastic, it's fantastic You can brush my hair" " Okay, now Paige." " Imagination..." " Oh, my God." " See what I mean ?" " We're on fire, man." "We are on fire." " Aw, dude." "I think I lost one of my earrings in here." " Have any of you seen it ?" " Ah, does it look like this ?" "Ew, you just put anything you find through your nipple ?" "Pretty much." "Here you go." "Good thing I borrowed these from Paige." "All right, you guys, let's play "Rubber Jell-O."" "Now, remember, the only challenge is for us to sound half as cool as we are." " You ready, Eric ?" " Sorry, I dropped my retainer." "All right. "Rubber Jell-O." Two, three, four..." "How's the jam session going, guys ?" "Uh, it's good, but if you don't mind, we're practicing." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Pretend I'm not even here." "Okay." "All right, guys, "Rubber Jell-O."" " Two, three, four..." " You know, back in the day," "I was known to kick it old-school with a group of chaps known as the Black Sparrows." "Yeah, we would've totally taken our battle, but my old lady stole my mojo." "This dude knows what I'm talking about." "Hey, that dude was first cello in our school orchestra." "Until the football team locked me in my cello case and threw me in the lake." "Hey, Dad, Dad, we really need to rehearse, so..." " Oh." "Okay." "All right, all right." " All right, "Rubber Jell-O."" "Two, three, four..." "Oh-ho!" "As the diabetic said after he ate his cotton candy," ""That was too sweet."" " Not bad, old dude." " Thanks... smelly dude." "Okay, Dad, you can go now." "All right, guys, "Rubber Jell-O."" " Two, three, four..." " You know what ?" "I just had an idea." "What if..." "I joined the band ?" "Are you trying to make me cry ?" "Come on, with me filling out your sound, I mean, you guys would totally win this thing." "Dad, no offense, but this whole thing sounds like a really pathetic attempt to..." " recapture your youth." " Seems like ?" "That's exactly what it is." "Well, that's a little sad, don't you think ?" "You know what's even sadder ?" "I'll give each of you guys 50 bucks if you let me join your band." "Aw, man. 50 bucks !" "That's a lot of Captain Kirk stickers !" "Yes !" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Are you guys kidding me ?" "You're actually okay with my dad being in the group ?" "Well, why wouldn't they be ?" "Your dad is totally cool." "Now, let's rock, guys." "Hey, Mom, you know that disgusting lead singer in Parker's band ?" "The greasy guy who smells like roadkill ?" "Why am I in love with him ?" " Oh, honey, you have the sickness." " What ?" "When you see a musician, you lose control." "I had it with your father." "My mom had it." "Her mom had it before her." "Your great-great-grandmother spent an entire summer following Mozart." "So that's it" " I'm going to have this sickness forever." "I mean, do you still have it ?" "When I m dancing Close to her She blinding me with science, science." "No, I got over it." "Damn you, mighty theremin gods !" "Why do you taunt me so ?" "Pearce, this is Morty." "Remember what I always told you." " Be the theremin." " I'm trying, Morty." "But this isn't like "be the cat" or "be the taste of cinnamon."" "This is hard." "You're a good boy, Pearce." "You remind me of me when I was 55." "I want to tell you a story... about a young Morty Baumgarten, when he worked for his uncle's wax fruit factory." "That's so funny." "The name of my favorite wax fruit company is Baumgarten's." "That's not us." "Anyway... for three years, I was making wax apples." "One day my uncle puts me over on pears." "Pears!" "I mean, I panicked." "You can imagine." "But you accepted the challenge and made the pears." "I spilled hot wax on my uncle's lap, and he lost a testicle." "So you're saying I shouldn't panic or somebody might lose a testicle." "Exactly." "You get me in a way my wife never did." " Okay, now pop and lock." " Ow !" " I'll go get some ice." " Patton, do something." "That's the fifth time she's hit my hand with her face." "Help us." "We don't want to hurt her feelings, but we have a reputation to uphold." "Hey, I'm on it, and you can trust me to take care of you." "I mean, remember when we started and you guys were wearing bras ?" "That's, like, the number one no-no of dancing." "Hello ?" " You really think you can fix this ?" " Please, I'm a fixer." "Look, you need dancing help ?" "Taken care of." "Your boyfriend breaks up with you ?" "I offer companionship." "You got panty lines ?" "Gone." " Oh." "Thank you." " Seriously, it's what I do." "God, you smell horrible." "That's disgusting." " I'll see you tonight." " Dude." "I hate myself." "All right, break's over, and we got to decide what song we're gonna sing at the battle." "Um, what are you talking about ?" "We're playing the song I wrote." ""Rubber Jell-O."" "Did you hear my solo before ?" "I was all, like..." "Uh, yeah, and I was all, like, La, la, la, la, la." "What ?" "I'm just saying, "Rubber Jell-O" is a fine song, but you don't win a battle with Jell-O." "You win it with flaming guitar riffs, soaring bass lines... and this." "Son... smelly guy... drummer and nerd," " I give you "Brain Worm."" " What's "Brain Worm" ?" " It's my old band's signature piece." " Oh, no-no way, okay ?" "We're not playing some stale old tune from the Ice Age." "What ?" "This song is as timeless as the day I wrote it." "Except we might want to take out some of these references to Mr. T." "All right, let's hit it, boys." "Two, three, four." "All right, all right, all right." "You know what ?" "I've had it, okay ?" "You come down here, you force your way into my band, and now you try to push your lame song on us ?" "That's it, Dad, you're out of the band." "Hey, you don't get to decide that." "There's five people in this band." "Okay, let's take a vote." "All in favor of kicking my dad out." "Guys." "Guys, I'm serious." "It's either him and his song or me and my song." "Sorry, Parker, I got to go with old dude and the "Worm."" "Me, too." "When we play the worm, the ladies will squirm." " This dude knows what I'm talking about." " Fine." "I'm out of here." "You just remember the last line of "Rubber Jell-O."" "The lime green hate you throw my way Will bounce back again at you one day !" "I just wish he'd left on a better lyric." "Bob, what is wrong with you ?" "Aren't you the least bit upset that you took your son's band away from him ?" "Carol, he left the band on his own." "He's my son." "I would never take anything from him." " Hey." "Where's my sandwich ?" " I don't know." "Oh, this is perfect." "First you take my band, and now you take my sandwich." "What's next, a kidney ?" "All right, Parker, what's it gonna take for you to get back in the band ?" " Him leaving it." " That's not gonna happen." "Fine." "Bob, this band is really important to Parker." "Right or wrong, he's not gonna give in, so will you please step aside and be the mature one ?" "No ! "Brain Worm" is an awesome song." "Lars said it." "Eric said it." "I worked out the keyboard part so I could play it with one hand while I gave the devil his props with the other." "Rockers never quit, Carol, and quitters never rock." "Where are you going ?" "To weep, Bob." "I'm going to weep." "Lars, I want to break up with you." "Lars, I want to break up with you." "Lars, I love you." "No !" "What am I saying ?" "Lars, I want to break up with you." "That wasn't so bad." "I take it back." "No, I don't." "I want to break up with you !" "What are you trying to say ?" "I'll see you tonight." "Okay, dudes, let's play "Brain Worm."" "Oh, I wrote some new lyrics for that." "It's kind of a love song now." "Oh." "Well, excellent, my brother." " Two, three, four..." " Penny on the staircase," "Penny in the shed." "Getting down with Penny in her old man's bed" "Whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Uh, I don't mean to be an old fuddy-duddy, but I have a teensy weensy problem with the lyrics." "So unless you want me to chase you off my property with a rake, let's just change the name in your love song to Jenny." "No can do." "I can't sing the song unless it's real, about someone I have feelings for." "I am not singing a song about you groping my daughter." "Well then, I guess we won't be in the battle." "Five, six, seven, eight." "Penny on the staircase, Penny in the shed" "Getting down with Penny in her old man's bed..." "Patton, I love the changes you made to our routine." "How did you talk them into doing nothing while I steal the entire show ?" "Paige, you're my sister." "There's nothing more important." "Later." "Hello, ladies." "Okay." "One more fix before we go on." "Can't be stars without sparkle." "We so totally owe you." "I hope you're free after the show, so we can repay you for all your hard work." "Yeah, it has been hell." "Okay, second coat." "And now, performing "Barbie Girl," the Girls of Table Nine." "Come on, Barbie, let's go party" "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Life in plastic, it's fantastic" "You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere Imagination, life is your creation" " Hey, rock star." " I'm not quitting the band." "I wouldn't want you to." "Seeing you in those rubber pants and that Naugahyde vest." "It's like 20 years have just melted away." "I know, I only had to let the pants out, like, three sizes." "I am sick, Bob, and you're the cure." "I want you." "Oh, I want you so bad." "I wish I could say I didn't see this coming." "Come on, come on." "I know the perfect spot." "And now, Pearce Chase will make electromagnetic musical magic on his theremin." " What are you doing, Morty ?" " I dropped my pills." "You guys were incredible." "They loved you." "I can't believe I learned that whole new routine in two days." "Well, uh, anyway, I'm ready to be thanked." "Don't worry." "I'm gonna make you very, very happy." "Hey, guys." "Patton, this is my boyfriend, Blake." "And this is Christy's boyfriend, Thad." "And this is your soon-to-be boyfriend, Lawrence." "I'm sorry." "What ?" "Oh, you have so much in common, and not just the gay thing." "I'm not gay." "Neither am I. We're not gay." "We're people." "Seriously, I'm not gay." "Paige." "Tell them." "Oh, here's your glitter purse back." "There's plenty of straight choreographers who carry glitter purses." "Well, wait." "If you're not gay, then you've been totally fondling us this last week." " Let's go, Lawrence." " Wait, so you are gay ?" "Yes, I am." "You likey ?" "He's getting too fancy." "He's flying too close to the sun on wings made of wax." "Hey, keep it down up there !" "Keep it down ?" "!" "I'm Morty Baumgarten, you son of a bitch !" "Mom, what..." "Mom, what's going on ?" "Mrs. Old Dude, have you seen Old Dude ?" "Listen, guys." "Old Dude is quitting the band." " What ?" " Why ?" "Because he realized he had his shot." "And it wasn't fair of him to steal yours." "He doesn't always show it." "There's nothing he cares about more than you kids." "He won't rest until you're happy." "P-Man, what do you say ?" "We could really use you right now." "Well, there's a lot of reasons why I shouldn't do it, one reason why I have to: "Rubber Jell-O."" " We're playing "Brain Worm."" " Okay, I'm in." "Morty !" "How did I do ?" "You broke my theremin, you freakin' hippie !" "All right, let's rock and roll !" "Oh, son of a..."