"Two, inside or out." "♪ Sunday Funday ♪" "♪ Better than a Monday... ♪" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Absolutely not!" "How dare you?" "Ambushing me with this nonsense again!" "Do I look like I'm in the mood for Sunday Funday?" "Okay, bye." "Oh, no, wait!" "Please." "Dorothy's joining us later, and it's just really important she feel accepted." "It-it-it... it would mean a lot to Lindsay, too." "She's living in Vernon's man cave." "Oh, goddamn it." "Fine." "Good job." "For a second I thought you forgot this was a set-up." "We'll give Gretchen a fun Halloween day." "She'll drink." "We'll do my list..." "Yeah, uh, your list is weird." "That's the point." "I tailored the activities for Gretchen's perverted and morbid tastes." "You just need to pretend you wrote the list." "There's no way she'll be able to remain sad after a day like this." "A toast." "To the best day of the week." "On the best day of the year!" "Spooky Sunday Funday." "Ooh." "♪ Sunday Funday ♪" "♪ Better than a Monday ♪" "♪ Can only do it one way ♪" "♪ And that is the drunk way ♪" "♪ Sunday Funday ♪" "♪ Better than a Monday ♪" "♪ And that is the drunk way!" "♪" "♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪" "♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪" "♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪" "Costumes?" "God." "Seriously?" "Well, we have to wear costumes, Gretchen." "It's, uh, on the list." "Oh, sorry, sir." "Paul?" "Paul?" "Hello." "Nine to sell you." "Oh, no, dang it." "Nice to send yogurt." "I'm still working out the kinks on this thing." "Why are you in a wheelchair?" "Did Amy do this to you?" "I'm Stephen Hawking." "The famous cosmologist." "A crippled guy does makeup?" "So, you ever get the power turned back on?" "No." "Someone abandoned me, so I had to move into Becca's." "Oh, Lindsay." "What?" "Someday you're gonna have to learn not to quit when things gets hard." "I'm not a quitter, Paul." "I'm not!" "You'll see!" "I won't hole my bread." "Dang it." "Oh, my God." "Edgar, look what I've managed to toss together." "Oh." "Hey." "Hmm?" "Heathstead from Buckle Your Shoes!" "It's about an assistant deacon who sleeps with the constable's daughter and is forced to hide out as a ladies' shoe salesman." "These heels are a bit small, love." "Shall I stretch them out for ya?" "No?" "Come on." "Fake." "Ugh, I can't find anything." "You've barely looked." "Oh, no." "He's right." "Paul said I give up on things real easy." "I don't do that, right?" "Interior design school, cardio barre, season two of House of Cards." "You even quit Ralph's Reward Club 'cause you couldn't handle the commitment." "What, I'm going to carry one of those shitty little plastic cards on my keychain like a poor?" "Phone, how do I turn on my power?" "Sex Goddess Lindsay 69," "I found the phone number for Los Angeles Department of Water and Power." " Would you like me to dial it for you?" " This thing never works." "Hmm?" "No idea." "So, you found anything yet?" "I'll just wear these wings." "You can do better than "saddest girl at the rave."" "What about that?" "These are fine." "How much to rent that costume?" "Uh, 400 a day plus a thousand-dollar deposit." "Are you insane?" "I'm kind of nervous." "You understand I'm not actually inside your head." "I haven't had sex in three years." "What?" "Oh, my God!" "Dorothy's meeting us later and," "Yeah?" "How close?" "Over the bra." "So, not close at all, then." "Please don't tell anyone." "Oh, believe me, I won't tell anyone you still touch girls over the bra." "That's too embarrassing." "♪ 20s, 50s, 100s, hundred grand ♪" "♪ 20s, 50s, 100s, hundred grand ♪" "♪ 20s, 50s, 100s, hundred grand ♪" "♪ Pull up to the club, walking slowly ♪" "♪ Flash-forward, next saw this model that know me ♪" "♪ She was lookin' ♪" "♪ And I was lookin' ♪" "♪ And we was lookin' ♪" "♪ All so mature, all in the mix. ♪" "All right, folks." "On the third floor is where, in 1954, former silent film star" "Poopsie Carmichael was killed by Nick O. Donnik, who went on a rampage, killing seven in the building while they slept." "You might also recognize it from the opening credits of Better Off Ted!" "So..." "three years, huh?" "Does Dorothy know?" "No, not yet." "Shit no." "if the pilot just took three years off flying." "Also, can you imagine the first time?" "I love it so much," "I became a soldier." "This is fun, right?" "What's the next thing to go wrong that I won't know how to fix?" "Hey, mo' money, mo' problems." "That'll be five dollars." "Who shot you, Biggie?" "Oh, my God!" "T." "U." "P." "A..." "I knew it." "L." "L?" "Tupal?" "I don't know that fool." "Oh, what's next, Edgar?" "Damn it." "That's a pretty convincing Baby Spice." "He a'ight." "You wanted to see a Spice Girls cover band?" "Yeah." "I love Spice Girls." "Name three of their songs." ""If You Wanna Be My Lover," is one." "Oh, and the one where she raps about slinging your body down and winding it all around." "That's all the same song, dummy." "Excuse me, sir." "I don't mean to be too forward, but you've caught me with your Hook." "You're at the top of my Schindler's List." "My loins are" "Terminally Always" "So please open your Jaws and make out with me." "Munich." "Guys, it's Dorothy!" "Oh, finally." "I'm sure someone entrenched in the comedy world will know what my costume is." "Hmm?" "Century 21 salesman of the month?" "The bassist for The Mighty Mighty Bosstones?" "Gay Wolverine." "Like anyone knows who Edgar's supposed to be." "The Situation from The Jersey Shore..." "Sorry, honey." "I still want to smooch on you though." "Uh, yeah, um... we're in public." "Oh, fine." "Well, then later." "Looks like that dry spell is about to end." "Try not to blow a hole through her back." "I like Dorothy so much, but I'm scared that if we go past a certain point," "I'll have to tell her about my problems, and I'm just not ready." "Who gives a shit if you're ready." "Three years worth of backed-up jizz in your balls is not healthy." "Yeah, but it's not about the jizz in my balls." "It's about the jizz in my brain and in my heart." "The jizz in my heart, Jimmy." "Can we go home now?" "Ah." "The grand finale." "The grand finale?" "Yeah, it's Italian for "big final."" "No, I..." "Never mind." "What is it?" "Smile for the camera, maggot." "Okay." "There is no exiting once you go through those doors." "There is no safeword." "There are no rules." "Acknowledge!" " Yeah, yeah." " Yes, sir." " Okay." " Okay." "This isn't so scary." "I want to go home." "Right." "I'd prefer not to interact with a mouse." "Shut up, maggot!" "Then he'll burrow down your throat and eat your gory heart." "Then he'll chew through your intestines until he goddamn chews his way out of your asshole so all of your bloody, gory, chewed-out intestines flop out of your body onto the floor like a shitty garden hose!" "Oh, no, Jimmy!" "You're so screwed!" "Whoa!" "This sucks." "Why are you doing this to us?" "Ah!" "Is that all you pussies got!" "?" "Ha-ha!" "Jimmy!" "What's going on, guys?" "What are you doing here?" "I'm a horror house nerd from way back." "After this, I'm heading to another one in Sylmar." "They've got a real, live Babadook." "You guys should totally...!" "You good?" "I'm great!" "This place is nuts!" "You guys probably shouldn't sit on that couch." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Oh, my God." "Where am I?" "Help me!" "No one can help you, Lindsay." "You're all alone now!" "How did you know my name?" "!" "I don't like the taste of fear in my meat." "Um..." "What are you doing?" "What I always do." "I'm giving up." "Um..." "Good!" "It'll make it easier for me to rip open your flesh and make a cape from your skin." "I'll probably make a shitty cape!" "Just like I'm a shitty wife." "Just like I'm a shitty homeowner." "I can't even turn my power on." "How pathetic is that?" "Have you tried calling customer service?" "No." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Oh, hell yeah!" "Ha-ha!" "Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name..." "Oh, damn!" "This is almost over, right?" "You'll be fine." "Just breathe." "See?" "Oh, my God." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Edgar, stop!" "I'm telling!" " I have to tell you something." " Okay." "I have... residual issues from..." "I'm sorry I never told you." "I'm honored that you trust me enough to tell me." "Also, I haven't had sex in three years." "Is that why you keep touching me over the bra?" "Three years, huh?" "This whole thing is derivative." "It's homage." "Face it, horror films are legacy." "Forget about movies." "This is the golden age of television." "TV owns." "Ah... ah..." "Hey, we all get overwhelmed." "If a problem seems too big, try breaking it up into smaller chunks." "It's called chunking." "There's a really great TED talk about it." "Huh." ""Chunking"?" "Okay, you ready?" "Now, when the voice comes on and asks you what you want, you say "operator."" "Then they'll do this thing where they say," ""While you wait, what is the nature of your problem?"" "That's a trick." "Just say "operator" again." "You want me to dial for you?" "No." "I can do it myself." "Attagirl." "They weren't kidding about that no rules thing." "That-that little girl with her arms on backwards straight-up bit my tit." "That was so much fun!" "I knew it would work." " What would?" " This whole day." "To whack you out of your funk." "I made you think it was Edgar's idea, but it was mine." "Goddamn it, Jimmy!" "I knew it!" "I mean... no, I didn't know it, but I knew it!" "Wait, you... you're mad at me because you had a good time?" "No!" "I am mad at you because you think you can fix me!" "You can't fix me, Jimmy." "I don't need to be fixed." "Wow." "Well..." "I'm sorry I tried to give you a nice day." "What an asshole." "Where's Jimmy?" "He left." "He's trying to fix me." "Of course he is, he's Jimmy." "He's not gonna stop, you know." "Unless... he thinks he fixed me already." "That's a great Heathstead." "What?" "Your costume." "Heathstead, from Buckle Your Shoes, right?" "Yeah." "No one has gotten it all day." "Seriously?" "Remember when Maggie Cornelia has the bunion?" "But he can't tell her, because she's redoing her will." " And the dog?" " And the dog, yeah!" "Ah..." "Rough day?" "Oh, yeah." "Halloween." "It's a stupid holiday." "I like it." "It's good for business." "Speaking of which," "I should probably get back in there." "Don't want to piss off the boss." "Ah, she's a pushover." "It's my bar." "I'm Nina." "Keune." "I've been serving you for the last... few months." "Oh." "Sorry, I..." "I don't remember people." "That's okay." "Hey, maybe I'll, uh, come join you when things cool down." "We need to talk about when Iolanthe left Crumpleton for London." "She always did refuse to accept her station." "You were right!" "It's crazy, but I feel like a whole new person." "I guess all I needed was a fun day doing things I liked." "Well, then." "Wow, that's... that's great." "Yes, it is." "Smart, smart man." "How'd you know I was coming?" "Oh, I just had a feeling everything would work out." "Oh, my God, the guy coming out of the tub." "And the guy with the..." "Helen Keller thing?" "Oh, she's coming!" "Let's go!" "Go, go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go, go!" "Come on, man!" "♪ We... ♪" "♪ Never got control ♪" "♪ Lost the whole damn world ♪" "♪ Lie..." "like a pair of dice ♪" "♪ Us just a pair of d... ♪"