"_" "How you doing, Celia?" "You don't want to know." "I thought Dominic was working this shift." "Yeah, I got called in." "He's still on tour, and I'm low man on the totem pole." "This one's on me." "Thanks, dear." "Hey." "Bartender." "Can I get three more of these?" "I can hear you." "Whisper now." "Yell when I'm at the end of the bar." "Do you even own a toothbrush?" "I got to hit the head." "Hey!" "Will you watch your dog?" "It's Joey's." "Sorry." "Sorry, lady." "Oh, hellfire." "Felix!" "You better get in here!" "What now?" "What the fuck is..." "Oh, what the..." "Joey!" "Joey!" "What..." "Joey, wake up." "Wake up, J..." "Can somebody help me?" "Wake up, damn it." "Ohh!" "What the fuck!" "Oh, I feel so tired." "All right, man, we're going." "Pop's." "Yeah, I dug up your mother's grave and fucked her skeleton." "Ha ha." "What time you off?" "Did you manage to score that sheet music?" "Getting high is now on the agenda." "Ah, miracle of miracles." " So what time?" " Now." "Celia, you're in charge." "I quit." "Hey, I'm gonna head out." "Did you check the propane and the flamethrower?" "They'll be fine." "How's the hand?" "Jesus, Martha." "You got to be more careful." "You're all thumbs." " Or rather no thumbs." " I'm only down one." "Hey, maybe in a few months, I can graft on a toe." "Yeah, but then I'd be walking all gimpy." "Yeah." "It's a trade-off." "Hey, is your belligerent friend going to help us move shit tonight?" " Because..." " Gesh?" " Yeah." " Sorry." "He's got to work." "Another day in paradise, huh?" "Yo, homes, you get hepatitis that way." "Wrong." "You can't catch that shit twice." "You got it all figured out, Gesh." "Whatever, whatever." "Let me get another fix of ludes off you, man." "Don't worry about Avusto." "He's blind." "Yo, those are the real, man." "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." "I already done them." "Felix!" "Jesus." "Hurry up." "I got shit to do." "Give me a sec." "What are you doing here?" "Couch surfing." "Yeah?" "What happened to Joey?" "Just not happening." "He dumped me for some chick he met in rehab." "What are you, saving these for reuse?" "I actually eat off these plates." "Oh." "That reminds me." "Felix, before you go, uh," "I don't have any food." ""Blues Hammer at the Chatterbox?"" "What's "Orangutan"?" "Yeah, I need an orangutan." "It says "orange juice."" "That's Turkey Tetrazini." "Write in cuneiform?" "You got the handwriting of a drunk Sumerian." "It's, like, five things." " I'm not buying your groceries." " I have no money." "Well, maybe you should get a job." " Really?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Believe me, if I could, I would." "And I wouldn't quit on a whim just 'cause I was having a bad day." "Maybe I should quit letting you stay on my couch." "Here." "Hit off this." "We got to go." "Ugh." "Is this from Gesh?" "Yeah, everyone was dry." "I had to go to the Haight." "That's tourist pot." "I can't even smoke this." "I don't need your cold." "Okay, then." "Always a pleasure." "And don't forget the Tetrazini." "You are a glutton for punishment." "You two fucking again?" "Lord, no." "You know, now that you're divorced, you're no longer obligated to feed her." "Yeah, I know." "God, she's driving me nuts." "I think about smothering her with a pillow when she's asleep." " Jesus." " Yeah." "Red man." "Hey, you want a Gay Guardian?" "No." "No?" "Current events of our fair city, Felix." "Where's your civic pride?" "It went the way of my dignity." "_" "Those Republican slime bags are defunding the NEA." "Hell, I'm all for it if it gets rid of that." "Hey, got a cigarette?" "You're smoking a cigarette." "All right, all right." "Here." "How about a blow job?" "50 bucks." "I'm unemployed." "Isn't that kind of steep?" "Reaganomics, baby, be hurting us all." "Here." "Come to our show." "Really?" "I don't give a shit, motherfucker." "What the fuck is this here?" "All these people, they've got nothing to do but drink $2.00 cups of coffee all day." "Plus, soon the cafés are going to outnumber the Taquerias." "That I doubt." "Not in the Mission." "Well..." "Ladies, hey, got a show tonight." "Survival Research Labs." "You should come." "That's a lame name for a band." "It's... it's not a band." "It's a sociopolitical satire with telly-operated weaponry and robotics." "It's going to blow your fucking minds." "There you go, polka dots." "She'll come." "I guess that's the end of that." "So you are here." "Hey, Vogelsein, I was..." "I was going to call you." "Look, I think we should partner up again." "We'll make some money." "We made a good team." "Mm." "What I'm working on, it's not painting gingerbread on Victorians for yuppies." "That bubble has burst." "All right." "What are you doing?" "Hmm, this and that." "Nothing really up your alley." "What does that mean?" "What's my alley?" "You know." "I was considering Rudy." "Rudy?" "He's completely strung out." "I wouldn't trust that guy to take a quarter to the juke box." "I like Rudy." "I don't care what a man does in his personal life." "He is an American dreamer." "He's an idiot." "He legitimizes the just say no crusade." "Perhaps he is that, too." "Ah." "Aorta, this is Felix." "And, Felix, this is Boyd Douse." "Felix." "Finally." "Good to meet you." "We should get the hell out of dodge." "Mm." "We'll talk." "Let's go." "Ah!" "God damn it." "Oh, fucking hell." "_" ""Unlawful burning and use of explosive materials."" "They... they say I'm a public nuisance." "Few would argue that fact." "Thank god they didn't find my stash." "I'd be on a bus to San Quentin by now." " You have dope on you?" " I..." "I dumped it before the cops got there." "I'm not a fucking amateu..." "They're banning me from effectuating future demonstrations in the county of San Francisco." "Th-this is over." "They're shutting us down." "Yeah, well, just so you know," "I emptied my bank account bailing you out." "I..." "I do." "I know." "And I appreciate that, okay?" "Look." "We got to look at this as an opportunity." "This is... this is great." "This is good, all right?" "You know what the word "chaos" translates to in Chinese?" "No." "I don't speak Chinese." "Felix?" "It's 5 A.M." "You have to be somewhere?" "What's that smell?" "I was at a sex party." "It's a medley of pussy juice." "Fantastic." "You guys are disgusting." "I'm taking the bed." "Want a beer?" "I don't drink beer." "How about water?" "You drink water?" "Yeah." "Great." "No ice." "So to what do I owe the pleasure?" "I just closed a deal on 390 acres in Mendocino." "Remote as the moon with a cabin on it." "I'm going to start a summer camp." "Yeah, sure." "What parent wouldn't want to leave their kid with you and aorta for a month?" "Listen, Felix, maybe we can do each other a favor." "How would you like to make half a million dollars tax-free?" "Uh, yeah." "Sure." "For what, being a counselor at your summer camp?" "Boyd just finished up his Masters Degree at Yale" " in Botanical Science." " Oh." "Good for Boyd." "He's even more boring than he looks." "You don't understand." "Botanical Science." "He can grow anything anywhere." "Hmm." "I'm going to grow Cannabis Sativa, 2,000 plants, and I want you to farm my land." "Really?" "I need you, Felix." "I trust you." "You're dependable." "Wow." "Uh..." "I'm flattered." "Uh..." "I mean, I can barely keep a house plant alive." "I don't know the first thing about farming." "You don't have to." "That's Boyd's department." "You do have to be willing to give up the next nine months of your life, which..." "Doesn't look like such a sacrifice." "Wait." "What about the cops?" "Leave it to me." "There won't be any." " What, so out there by myself?" " You won't be alone." "You'll need two other people to work with you, whoever you want." "Look, I..." "I think of myself as more of an urban guy, all right?" "I don't really see myself on a farm." "I'm not talking about a cornfield in Iowa." "This is the Emerald Triangle." "This is the place to get your head together, away from all the chaos of the city." "You're ready for this, Felix." "I'm giving you the chance to make some money and move on with your life." "Wait a minute." "He offered you half a million dollars?" "Yeah." "But again, what do I know about growing pot?" "What does it matter what you know?" "He said he's got it covered, right?" "He's got that guy, the... the botanist." "We just need to do the labor." "Oh, yeah, great, the easy part." "Look, if it was anybody else," "I'd have my reservations, too, but Vogelsein knows how to make money, right?" "I mean, the entire time we've known him, he's never had a job, and he lives like a king." "The guy makes money the way dogs sniff out truffles." "I got news for you." "Pigs sniff out truffles." "I'm pretty sure it's dogs." "No." " I know that girl." " Yeah." "Why am I not surprised?" "Look, the point is he's got killer instincts, and he does not make mistakes." "It's too risky." " It..." " Phil, farming land is..." "Is really hard work." "And that doesn't really seem like our strong suit." "It's growing plants." "How hard can it be?" "And..." "And what's your alternative here, huh?" "What, are you gonna go get a fucking job in a cubicle?" "Wear a suit and tie every day like your dad did?" "You know, never take any risks in your life?" "Fuck that." "Come on, man." "SRL is over." "All right?" "I got nothing." "You got nothing." "I mean, give me the opportunity to pay you back here." "Why wouldn't you take this job?" " I don't know." " Yes." "You don't know." "Because all we're talking about is nine months of good old-fashioned work, leaving the city behind, tilling the soil, dirt under your fingernails, wind in your hair." "Huh?" "Guys like us, we don't get chances like this." "All right." "All right." "There we go." "Far out." " Cheers." " Yeah." " There we go." " Yeah." "Okay, who's going to be our third?" "We need a real work horse." "Yeah, because we don't want to do any actual work." "Gesh." "What the hell, Gesh?" "Well, guess we're not taking his car." "Oh." "Hey." "Sorry." " I didn't mean..." " Laundry day." "Is, uh, is Gesh around?" "Sleeping beauty, you've got visitors." "Okay." "I don't know, you know?" "I got a pretty good setup here, and Nelda's disability just came through, so now we got the rent taken care of..." "Oh." "Nelda, for crying out loud, would you please cover that shit up?" " I mean, we got guests..." " Fuck you, Gesh." "Who the fuck appointed you pope, huh?" "Hey, why don't you do the fucking laundry?" "She's, uh, she's quite a gal, that one." "Look, it'll just be us, and..." "And you won't be busting your ass all day" " working for somebody else." " Getting all depressed." "You got to blow all your money on pills and booze and..." "Jesus." "Look, this is a chance for you to set yourself up..." "For life." "All the weed you can smoke." "Packed." "Fuck, Felix, they're going to have beds up there, man." "I need something with firm back support." "Besides, I know this is clean." "I slept in the front seat of a Volkswagen Bug for a week." "I slept on a moldy shag bath mat the first month that I moved here." "Then, after I set my futon on fire," "I slept on a dog bed for a month." "So, you know, I can sleep on anything." "I think you're confusing a good night's sleep with a drug coma." "Are you sure this is gonna hold?" "Are you kidding me?" "That right there is a double fisherman." "And that one's a figure 8, okay?" "You can take this fucker straight through a hurricane, then drive it coast to coast and back again." "No." "This ain't going nowhere." "Phil, you tied the door shut." "Whatever." "I'll fix it." "Oh, yeah." "It's cool digs." "Look at this place." " Hey." " Hey." "I met you at the show." " Yeah." " Yeah." "You did." "Follow me." " Nice setup you got here." " Where did he get all this stuff?" "Auctions, mostly." "It's like a museum in here." "He won't even set foot in a museum." "He has no interest in things he can't own." "Just hang." "He's cooking." "Hey, man, how'd you get involved" " with this guy Vogelsein?" " I met him through Rudy." "Oh, well, that's a ringing endorsement." "Vogelsein's been around forever." "Made his money off LSD." "He backs shit, you know?" "LSD." "Wait." "What's this fucker's first name?" "It's, uh, it's Herbert." "But don't call him anything except Vogelsein." "Went to the Maltese Falcon at the Castro, and he brought this girl, and she started calling him Vogie, like Bogie, he just put her in a cab." "She's..." "Welcome, Phil, Felix." "You must be Gesh." "What can I get you to drink?" " Whatever." " Yeah." "Anything's fine." " Beer." " Beer, of course." "Okay, my friends, make yourselves at home." "I'm about to drop the pasta in the water, and then we'll have a feast." "What's the verdict?" "It's... it's, uh, it's a masterpiece." "That's mine." "I begged him for a month to get it for me for my birthday." "When I go, it goes with me." "Come on." "I'll show you around." "Lots of art books, books on chemistry." "Not a lot of fiction." "I like fiction." "Reality's, uh, unpleasant." "I like 'em mixed." "Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference." "But usually I just prefer to play music." "Yeah?" "Do you play an instrument?" "Yeah, and I sing with my band." "All right." "What do you play?" "Romanian pan flute." "Really?" "No." "I play bass." " Want to see something cool?" " Okay." "Yeah." "Hold the ladder." "Hold it with both hands." "It's a child." "That's why it looks like it has two sets of teeth." "It's cool, like..." "It's like an alien from that movie." "I never think about all those mature teeth lurking under a kid's face, but there they are." "I guess we're all just freaks when you scratch the surface." "Yeah." "I guess so." "See anything else you like?" "Ah." "There you are," " exploring the anatomy." " Hey, uh, Vogelsein..." "Yeah, no, she was..." "She was just showing me the... the skull." "Of course." "The guided tour." " Yeah." " Lunch is served." "I made gnocchi from scratch, with three cheeses from neighboring farms." "Mm." " Hmm, looks delicious." " This is great." "You can really taste the three cheeses." "Why aren't you eating?" "Oh, god, this is much too rich for me." "He's a bit of a health nut." "He eats things like fish flakes." "But I love to cook." "I know the chef at Fanessi's and have been on occasion invited into the kitchen where he shared some of the finer nuances of the craft." "Mm." "Well," "I've spent a lot of time in kitchens, and I don't know how you can cook it if you don't eat it..." "Vogie." "Maybe after lunch, you can show off some of your expertise." " We'll have plenty of dirty dishes." " Well, whatever you eat, you have mastered this meal." "Thank you." "So down to brass tacks," "I'm sure you have some questions." "Yeah." "Uh, why don't you fill us in on the house?" "You know?" "Like what we can expect up there." "Yeah." "I mean, we're going to be living out there in the asshole of nowhere for the next nine months while you're chewing the fat down at Vanessi's, so yeah, I want to know a little bit about the place," "what we can expect." "Uh, is there running water?" "Is there electricity?" "That sort of thing." "It was a hunting lodge back in the '20s." "It has all the essentials." "A generator for electricity, water from a big redwood holding tank." "With a little bit of work, it could be very cozy." "Nice." "See?" "Looks idyllic." "So if the cops come, what do we tell them?" "Oh, I'm sure Vogelsein's got us covered, right?" "You'll be fine." "No one will even know that you're there." "I bought the land as an investment." "I don't know anything that's going on up there." "Under the table, of course, I pay all legal fees." "I've a very connected attorney." "Fine, maybe." "Probation at worst." "Huh?" "Nothing to worry about." "Mm." "Keep that chilled for me, chief." "Good luck." "Boyd will be up with the rest of the stuff in a couple of days." "I'll come up soon to check in on you." "Here is something for the drive." "Ah, sense." "Fuck, yeah." "Thanks, man." "Check it out." "Work will set us free." "Uh, where's..." "Where's Aorta?" "You need to talk to her?" "What?" "No." "I just..." "Uh, Nev..." "No, nothing." "Hey, adiós, Vogelsein." "What are you guys gonna do with your share?" "Okay, check it out." "I'm gonna get this big warehouse, like..." "Like Warhol, right?" "And finance this whole subversive art movement." "Like..." "like, I'm gonna wallpaper it in tinfoil and invite bands there." "You can do whatever you fucking want, you know?" "It'll be like the factory but with more explosives." "You just want to fuck Edie Sedgwick." "Well, yeah, the alive version." " What do you want to do?" " My dad keeps pestering me to pay him back for school." "Said it was a bad investment." " What?" " Mm-hmm." "So once I get him off my back," "I'm gonna, like, invest in something, you know?" "I don't know." "What's the next..." "What's the next big thing?" " Computers?" " Oh." " Computers." " Cabbage Patch Dolls." "Cabbage Pat... yes." "Or no." "The, uh..." "What are the, uh..." "What are those dolls with the faces and the hair?" " Cabbage Patch Dolls." " No." "The Trolls." "Ten years from now, those things are going to be worth a fortune, and then I'm finally going to have some time" " to write my book." " Right, because that..." "That 9 to 5 is really holding you back, right?" "What about you, Gesh?" "Uh, I got to get my car fixed." "That is numero uno." "And then from there it's a lot of good liquor and bad drugs." "And a big fucking upgrade in pussy." "Ah..."