"ANNOUNCER:" "In the last episode of Soap," "Danny and Polly found themselves in love and found out that most people found their relationship unusual." "Dutch found a note from Eunice, saying she'd found another man, run off with him, and Dutch better not try and find her." "Jessica found a psychiatrist to help her over her depression she found herself in after she threw Chester out when she found out he was in love with the minister's daughter." "Carol and her cowboy boyfriend found themselves in New York for the rodeo, and Jodie found himself agreeing to let her see the baby." "And Burt found out he's not going to die after all." "Find it confusing?" "You won't after this episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate... and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells... and this is..." "Soap." "Burt!" "Burt!" "ANNOUNCER:" "We begin this week's episode shortly after Burt found out he's not going to die." "I love to paint." "Really." "Yeah, even though in school, I hated art." "I wish I'd had this rubber-based paint when you and Jodie were babies." "Why?" "It's only white." "It's washable." "You have no idea what you kids used to smear all over these walls." "Crayons, finger paints, gum, food... plus some unmentionables." "Hi." "Hey, Burt." "You want to help?" "Burt, what is it?" "What's happened?" "You don't like the color?" "I'll change the color." "Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary." "Burt, what?" "Tell me." "Burt, what is it?" "Died..." "Died?" "Someone died?" "I'm dying." "Someone died." "Who died?" "I don't know." "You don't know?" "No." "Aw." "He's such a sensitive man, even the death of a stranger makes him sad." "I'm happy!" "I'm happy!" "I'm happy!" "He died." "He died." "He seems to be happy this guy died." "He's probably a very bad guy." "Who was it, Burt?" "Who was this person who died?" "Not me." "Wasn't him." "It wasn't you." "Wasn't me." "That's great!" "Oh, Mare, Mare, it was all a mistake." "I'm not going to die." "You're not?" "No!" "Burt!" "Dan!" "Burt!" "He's not gonna die!" "I didn't think he was." "No, no." "He was going to die." "He was going to die." "We all are eventually." "No, he was gonna die now." "In five months." "But not now." "What are you talking about?" "Mare, Dr. Saxon told me" "I had this rare blood disease." "I only had five months to live." "But it was a mistake." "It was a mix-up." "One of his other patients had the disease, so he died, not me." "You gave him your disease?" "Can't you get in trouble for that?" "No, no, no." "It was the lab." "They made a mistake." "Oh, they gave him the disease." "No, he already had the disease." "It was his disease, not mine." "Oh, so he took it back." "I never had it." "Did you want it?" "Danny." "It was an accident." "The lab put this guy's disease on my records by mistake." "Oh, well, it's a good thing they found out about it before you died." "Right." "I guess this means no more Guinness Book of World Records, huh?" "No." "Aw..." "Come on, Dan, no, no, no." "Listen, now that I'm going to live," "I'm going to stay alive to enjoy it." "Well, I'd better go cancel that order." "What order?" "The banana order." "What banana order?" "Well, I figured that the next attempt to get in the Guinness Book of World Records could be the longest banana split." "The longest one on record is 1 mile, 99 yards long, so I ordered bananas." "How many?" "Not many." "I'll cancel it." "How many bananas?" "12 thou." "12 thou?" "12,000?" "He ordered 12,000 bananas?" "He's going to cancel it." "You cancel an order like that, Honduras is out of business." "Mare, I'm not going to die." "You almost died." "I can't believe it." "I..." "You're telling me?" "The news alone almost killed me." "You've been walking around, thinking that you were going to die." "Oh, Burt." "It must have been awful." "It was." "The Guinness attempts, you know, took my mind off it a little bit, but then at night," "I'd lie in bed, and I would remember." "I never thought I was going to see the baby." "Now I'm going to see the baby, Mare." "I knew there was something wrong with you." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Why didn't you share this with me?" "Mare." "What?" "Please." "I'm going to tell you I'm going to die?" "You know how upset you get." "Look at you now." "You just found out I'm going to live." "Oh, Burt, it must have been awful." "Oh, Mare, it was." "It was awful." "But, you know, in a strange way, it turned out good." "Good?" "Yeah." "Yeah, Mare, because now" "I can love you and the baby and life so much more, because I know in a very different way that someday" "I really am going to die, and the thought that I'm really not going to be here really makes me be here." "Give me a kiss, toots." "Oh, Burt." "Oh..." "ROD RODDY:" "You could win... a new car!" "Gloria, for God sakes, where have you been?" "You went out for movie magazines two days ago." "Got lost." "I was worried sick about you." "I called the hospitals." "I called the morgue." "I didn't know what happened to you." "Couldn't sleep a wink." "I just sat here waiting and praying and watching game shows." "Oh, Gloria, I love you so." "You're it." "You're the thing I've been looking for all my life." "You're my 10." "What are you doing?" "What does it look like I'm doing?" "Well, packing." "Good." "Are we moving someplace?" "Not we." ""Not we."" "Are you moving somewhere?" "Bet your bottom." "Where?" "Why?" "Out." "Because." "Are you leaving me?" "Oh, Gloria, you're not leaving me." "Why are you leaving me, Gloria?" "I found someone better." "Better?" "What do you mean by "better"?" "Better-dressed, better-looking." "Better in bed." "Better." "Better-dressed?" "I'm taking the backgammon set." "He's better at that too." "Gloria, I thought you loved me." "You said you loved me." "How can you leave me?" "You're old." "I beg your pardon?" "You're old and soft and have hair in your ears." "All right." "Fine." "I'm not going to make a fool out of myself." "I can handle this with dignity." "You're leaving." "I will survive." "Oh, Gloria, please don't leave me." "I love you." "Please." "I can't live without you." "Chester, stop slobbering." "These shoes are suede." "Gloria, what am I going to do?" "I left my wife for you." "I left my family." "I have no home." "I have no place to go." "I have nothing, Gloria." "Exactly." "That's why I'm leaving." "Next, please." "Are you nervous?" "No." "I am." "So am I." "It's a big step." "Yes, it is." "It shouldn't be undertaken frivolously." "I agree." "Living together, sharing a house, a home, a life together." "It means a lot to me, Danny." "It's not a casual thing." "I agree." "See, my friends, they live together two, three weeks, and it's over." "I can't stand that." "It's childish and irresponsible." "Plus I hate packing." "Polly... believe me, this is very important to me." "I'm not going into this lightly." "I love you." "What are you looking at?" "Look at this." "They're staring at us." "Oh, they are not." "Excuse me..." "All right, what's your problem, buddy?" "Huh?" "What's your problem?" "Huh?" "You don't like, uh, interracial, uh, interrelating, huh?" "I could care less." "Well, then what are you gawking at?" "I was just going to say hello." "Is that so?" "I'm your dentist." "Dr. Stegman." "Dr. Stegman, I'm really sorry." "I-I-I'm sorry." "I didn't recognize you without your smock." "It's perfectly all right." "Perfectly all right." "You've got a check-up in two weeks." "Goodbye." "Do you believe this?" "I just roughed up my dentist." "Am I crazy?" "Excuse me." "He'll probably clean my teeth with a saw." "Yoo-hoo." "Uh, Rosen." "Real estate?" "Sorry about the wait." "You're next." "Thank you." "I'm sorry, young fellow, but I think this lady was ahead of you." "Oh, no, you don't understand..." "No, there's no rush." "There's no rush." "There's plenty houses." "All kinds houses." "Houses, houses, houses." "Rosen has hundreds of houses." "No rush." "See, we're together." "I haven't got a thing." "Hey, hey, hey." "No, joking, joking." "Just a humor." "Please, sit down." "I got plenty." "Sit down." "Crazy kids." "Crazy, crazy, crazy." "What are you, crazy?" "What do you mean?" "What do I mean?" "Look how you look." "White." "Black." "Where do you expect to live?" "In the land of Nod and Oz and Disney World?" "It's crazy, crazy." "All right, all right, fine." "Danny, we don't need this." "We'll go someplace else." "Wait." "Listen, please." "Please, sit down, sir." "Please." "I happen to have the same situation." "My daughter is married to a black fellow." "Nice man." "Tall." "But they have problems." "People like them have problems." "It's a social fact." "You should see where they live, and I sold them the house." "What do you recommend?" "I recommend you find yourself a nice black fellow, and you find yourself a nice Jewish girl." "I'm not Jewish." "You won't regret it." "Look, Mr. Rosen, we're in love, and we feel that we can deal with anything that's out there, together." "Now, either you can help us, or we'll find someone else." "All right, all right." "I was just trying to give you the facts of life." "I mean, people are going to harass you no matter where you live." "Maybe not everybody, but enough to make it painful." "End of lecture." "Now, I just happen to have a nice little Cape Cod cottage." "Oh, Danny, it's adorable." "It's just what I wanted." "Who wouldn't?" "We'll take it." "You got it." "But I got to warn you, young lady, there's not one black family around for blocks." "So now they'll have a reason to come over." "It could be tense." "Oh, it'll always be tense anywhere we go, but this is our house." "I feel it in my heart." "When the heart speaks, the mind turns to peanut butter." "Mr. Rosen, may I ask you a question?" "Why not?" "How did you deal with your daughter in love with a black man?" "At first, I was so upset, I fasted for six hours." "Then I said to myself, "You're Jewish." "There are people who are not so crazy about you either."" "And I realized hating was a disease, and I was not going to be a carrier." "How's your daughter doing?" "Oh, great." "Fine." "They're in love." "What do they know?" "That's wonderful." "My wife, however, was committed three years ago." "Morning, Dutch." "Morning, Corinne." "BOTH:" "Oh!" "Oh, no." "Oh, God." "We didn't." "We did." "We did?" "You forgot?" "No, I know we did." "Oh, jeez." "What kind of people are we?" "The worst." "We're the worst." "You must think I'm a real slut." "I'm a terrible person." "I feel like the worst person in the world." "Guilt is terrible." "That's just it." "I don't feel guilty." "That's why I feel so terrible." "If I could feel guilty about it," "I wouldn't feel so bad, but I don't." "I feel pretty good, actually." "You were so soft." "I was?" "Like a muffin." "Oh." "I'm sorry about this, Corinne." "It's just that..." "we were so..." "I mean, I was so..." "Uh, lost?" "Yeah." "And alone." "Yeah." "Me too." "How could I do this to Eunice?" "Look around you, Dutch." "What do you see?" "What do you mean?" "Do you see Eunice?" "No." "Who do you see?" "You." "I guess when two people need each other, sometimes they happen to find each other." "It happens." "And let's face it, we needed to find each other." "And we did." "I mean, what's so terrible?" "Who did we hurt?" "All we did was share some connubials." "That's true." "I feel terrible." "My lover's sister." "My sister's lover." "I made love to my lover's sister." "You are the lover of two sisters." "You're one of the sisters I love." "You do?" "Good morning, Corinne." "I just fed the ba..." "Hi, Ma." "Hi, Ma." "I never saw anything." "Not a thing." "I never even came in." "Nope." "Not me." "Saw nothing." "Heard nothing." "I'm not even at home right now." "I went out." "Zero." "Nothing." "My eyes are sealed." "Corinne..." "Oh..." "If you should go out later, would you pick up a quart of milk, please?" "Goodbye." "Hi." "Hi." "You've got some very strange people in your waiting room." "Well, they've come to the right place." "One lady who's dressed in red insists she's a tomato and that men keep trying to squeeze her." "And then there's some man who says that there are bugs all over the place, and this other lady says that they're tomato bugs brought in by the first lady, which made the first lady very mad," "because she says she's been sprayed." "I felt very funny sitting there." "Jessica, you shouldn't." "They're people, just like anyone else." "Oh, no, I didn't mean that." "It's just that I didn't have anything to contribute to the conversation." "I didn't want them to think I was rude." "Although, I did say that I thought the tomato was the most important part of the bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich, which is not exactly true because I think the bacon is." "I just hope that they didn't know that I was lying." "Jessica, you don't have to worry about that anymore." "You will not be seeing these people again." "You are not coming here again." "You're firing me?" "No, no." "I know." "I know." "I'm hopeless." "It's a hopeless case." "Jessica, no, no." "Well, why not?" "It's hereditary." "I mean, do you know that my great aunt was personally responsible for Freud's cocaine habit?" "Jessica, you're fine." "That's why you don't have to come here anymore." "There's nothing wrong with you." "Really?" "Really." "Now, I've thought about this a lot." "I've had to, because of what's involved." "What's involved?" "I'd like to go out with you." "Oh, no, you'd make me too nervous." "How would I make you nervous?" "You're a psychiatrist, and you know everything." "I mean, if I wanted to kiss you, you'd know, and if I wanted to... you know, you'd know." "I mean, you're a psychiatrist." "You can read minds." "I can't read minds, Jessica." "If I could read minds," "I wouldn't have been so nervous asking you out." "You were nervous?" "A wreck." "Psychiatrists can get nervous?" "Jessica, we're people too." "I didn't know that." "What I mean is," "I didn't know you could get nervous." "I mean, of course I know you're people." "I can see that." "Two arms, two legs, a turtleneck." "Jessica..." "What?" "Will you?" "Will I what?" "Go out with me." "I think Wendy's up." "Hi." "Hi-ho, little feller." "What can I do for you?" "I'm Jodie Dallas." "No kidding." "Sure as shooting." "Somehow, I expected someone a little, uh... weirder." "Oh, I am a little weirder." "May I come in?" "Um, sure." "Hell." "Come on in." "Hell, sure." "Carol's just getting the kid up." "Make yourself at home." "You want bourbon?" "No thanks." "I don't drink." "I ain't surprised." "Hey, you come for the kid?" "If you mean my daughter, yeah, that's why I'm here." "Uh, you don't plan on staying on a bit, then, is that it?" "Don't worry about it, electric horseman." "I'll be out of here as fast as you can lasso a bronc." "She's a good kid." "I like that kid." "Fine." "She likes me too." "I'm real glad." "Carol!" "Uh, there's only one thing I can't figure." "What's that?" "How can you say that kid's yours?" "What?" "Well, heck, they're ain't no fairy in the world could sire a colt, far as I can figure." "That's probably because you have prairie dust for brains." "Well, here we are, all nice and clean, because Mommy washed you and powdered you." "Oh, Jodie, we had a wonderful day." "I'm glad." "Hey, sweetie." "Okay." "Hey, it was real nice meeting you, and, uh, Carol, any time you're in town..." "Jodie, I have something to tell you." "What?" "Uh, it isn't easy for me to say." "I'm running a little late, Carol." "I want the baby." "So long, Carol." "I have a lawyer." "You're gonna need an army." "I'm her mother, Jodie." "Why?" "Because you changed her once and threw a little powder on her bottom?" "Forget about it, Carol." "I raised this child." "I'm the one who got her through teething and colic and crying in the night." "I'm all the family she has." "She stays with me." "Okay, I'm taking you to court." "You don't have a chance!" "That's my daughter, and I want her!" "I don't believe this." "You're going to get whupped in court, boy." "Ain't no judge on Earth going to give you that baby knowing what he knows about the way you carry on." "Why don't you just go punch a cow?" "Why don't I just punch you?" "Oh, very sensitive man you have here, Carol." "He's going to make a very good witness." "Better than a fag." "I don't think I'd get so snitty if I were you." "I mean, after all, we do shop in the same stores." "Hi-dee-ho." "ANNOUNCER:" "Is it crazy for Jessica to date her psychiatrist?" "What will Jodie do now that Carol wants the baby back?" "Does this make her an Indian giver?" "Would Danny and Polly be happy living together?" "Will the neighbors be happy?" "Will Dutch and Corinne continue?" "Will Jessica continue to ignore them?" "Now that Gloria has left him, what will Chester do?" "Who will he do it with?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of..." "Soap." "ANNOUNCER:" "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."