"Copyright from ecOtOne™" "ALLYSON:" "Okay." "(SIGHS)" "It's blog time." "I am a mommy blogger." "I am a mommy blogger." "Get ready, world, for some pearls of wisdom, coming at yöu right now." "So here we go!" "(SIGHS)" "I got three followers. (CHUCKLES)" "Yesterday I had four, so that's awesome." "My audience awaits." "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "It's 5:00 a.m. Do yöu know where yöur children are?" "Mine are in bed." "I should be in bed." "It's Mother's Day." "But I'm not." "Wanna know why?" "(CLATTERING)" "Because I'm a clean freak!" "I am talking freaky, deaky, Dutch." "If yöu were to lock me away in a white room, in a straitjacket, it would actually feel comforting." "As long as the walls were spotless and nobody wore shoes." "I can actually feel the house getting dirty." "Like I have nerve endings in the carpet." "And it affects me." "Wanna know how?" "First, I feel distracted." ""Distracted."" "D-I-S..." "Oh, what was I..." "So, see, like right now," "I'm thinking of the cleaning supplies I left out and how one of the kids is gonna get up and drink Clorox and then I'd end up having to call Poison Control, and they'd say," ""Sorry, Mrs. Field, too many times this month."" "And take my kids away." "Too many times this month, Ms. Field." "We're here to take yöur children away." "ALLYSON: (SIGHS) I've played it all out." "I'm sure yöu've played this all out." "Which is kind of morbid." "After I feel distracted, I feel stressed." "Then I have a moment." "GIRL:" "Mom!" "Mommy!" "I am talking to Daddy!" "This is me having a moment with my daughter." "Hon, (CLEARS THROAT) about the stress level." " (SIGHS) What?" " Well, it's a little high." " Gee, uh..." " The kind of psycho thing yöu just did..." "Did yöu just call me psycho?" " No!" "No." "No." "No." " Did yöu just call me psycho?" "It was a little psycho." "This is me having a moment with some helpless newlyweds." "We just wanted to say congratulations!" "And savor this moment in yöur life!" "So when I started to speak, I thought it would help." "But then the words just started coming out of me like lava." "Because yöu're gonna blink, seriously, like, blink and it's all gonna be over and replaced with just volume, like..." "GIRL:" "Mom!" "Amazing, amazing beautiful volume..." "Look at that." "Look at that look on her face." "That's the look of a girl whose fairytale just ended." "I murdered it." "I am a fairytale murderer." "Yöu can only take so much before yöu crack!" " Don't." " No." "ALLYSON:" "I'm like the Bruce Banner of stay-at-home moms." "He doesn't want to turn into the Hulk." "It just happens." "(BELLOWING)" "Which is exactly how I feel." "I love my kids." "I love my husband." "My minivan, my minivan is awesome." "I have this incredible life." "So, why do I feel this way?" "GIRL IN DISTANCE:" "Mom!" "Mom!" "(GRUNTS)" "GIRL:" "Mommy!" "Oh." "(MUTTERING)" "Oh." "Surprise!" "We made yöu eggs!" "With sugar!" "Mother's happy day!" "(ALLYSON SPEAKING)" "I should be happy that they're making me breakfast." "Instead, all I see is salmonella." "Salmonella everywhere." "On the floor, on the counter, on my children." "I'm a salmonella-phobe." "Last week this happened to a doll and I burned it!" "Okay, so I didn't realize that that was Bailey's favorite doll, and I do feel bad about that." "We're gonna play a little game!" "Everybody freeze!" "Beck, no." "Do not put that..." "Oh, no." "No, no, he's gonna eat it." "He'll put that in his mouth and become one of the estimated 400 people that die from acute salmonella poisoning, which I read about on a blog somewhere." "Yeah, okay." "I gotta go." "Do not put that finger in yöur..." "(LINE RINGING)" "Hello, may Field's residence, please?" "Well, how about yöu try," ""This is the Fields' residence." "How may I help yöu?"" "(GASPS) Daddy!" "Hey, is Mommy there?" "Mom!" "Phone!" "Wow." "(ALLYSON MUTTERING)" "Bailey, I'm up here!" "(BECK GIGGLES)" "Beck?" "Beck?" "(GIGGLES)" "Here's Daddy." "Hello?" "Hey, hon." "Sean, please tell me yöu're on a flight right now." "It's Mother's Day." "Happy Mother's Day." "That's where we should have started." "Yes, thank yöu." "Fine." "I just..." "Why I need yöu on a flight..." " That's all right." " Yes, baby." " They canceled three flights on me." " Mommy, I made yöu this." "The airlines are taking care of it." "I got a direct flight." "Hello?" "Yöu made this for me?" "(CHUCKLES)" "BAILEY:" "Yöu wanna know why yöu're so big?" "ALLYSON:" "Why?" "Because yöu love us the most of everybody." "Where's Daddy?" "Up in the plane in the sky, where he always is." "Ouch." "That's not right." "Mom!" "Beck's playing in the toilet again!" "SEAN:" "No, no, no." "Not the potty." "Not the potty!" "Not the potty!" "It's fine." "ALLYSON:" "Beck!" "Oh." "Sean, I don't know." "I'm thinking maybe I don't wanna celebrate Mother's Day ever again." "Why would yöu say that?" "Because I am terrible at this, in every single way." "So just do not celebrate me!" "What?" "Come on." "Yöu are an awesome mom." "The kids are messy, yöu know." "Kids get messy." "Oh, yeah?" "I ran out of space, so I did the rest on the wall." "SEAN:" "On the wall?" "She's writing on the wall?" "What kind of markers is she using?" "The come-off kind?" "Hello?" "(PHONE BEEPS)" "Yöu got kids?" "Want mine?" "(CHUCKLES)" "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "Ah." " Hey." " (LAUGHTER)" "ALLYSON:" "Now that's a mom." "Talk about perfect." "Oh, yeah, I bet she has a nanny." "Okay, everybody, best behavior." "It's Mother's Day." "Mommy, let me do it." "No, baby." "We're running really late today, okay?" "Let me!" "Mom, slow down." "Walk with me, Zoe." "Just walk and talk." "But, Mom, yöu're, like, the fastest person on Earth." "ALLYSON:" "This is Sondra." "My Catcher in the Rye." "My crutch." "My Dr. Phil, Oprah and Gandalf all rolled into one ball of goodness." "Her only perceived flaw is that she has no idea what auto-correct is." "No." "No, no, that's not what I..." "Oh!" "Technology!" "(SCOFFS)" "Mom, it's really..." "It's just a dance and there's gonna be some laser lights and some glow sticks and that's it." "A rave is not a dance." "Trust yöur mother." "But, Mom, a lot of the kids from church are..." " Uh, uh, uh..." " They're even..." " I don't care!" " Seriously?" "I don't care!" " Come on, have a heart." " Zoe!" "Mom, yöu always do this." "Yöu're gonna murder my social life." "Well, maybe it deserves to die." "Yöu know yöu're not allowed to date until yöu're 17, so we have a winner." "Yeah, and a loser." "I have "Preacher's Kid" stamped on my forehead." "Oh, there yöu are." " Did yöu find my notes?" " Yeah, right there." "Perfect." "Where'd yöu find them?" "I looked everywhere." " I'll just take that." " What's wrong with that one?" "Video guy says yöur tie is strobing, so this one will be better." "Okay." "Notes were on yöur desk, corner pile." " Hey, Dad. (CHUCKLES)" " Hey." "Yöu were so awesome in the first service and I was just wondering what..." "Sweetheart, I know what yöu're doing, but we've already talked and we agree." "Points for trying, though." "I didn't even get a fair shot." " Love yöu." " SONDRA:" "Love yöu." "(♪♪♪)" "(EXHALES)" "Good morning." "Somebody has a birthday, right?" "Nice to see yöu." "(WHISPERS) Come here." " Hey, did yöu get that recipe I sent?" " Yes." "Thank yöu." "Oh, good." "Good." "Nice to see yöu." "Thank yöu so much for coming." "Hey, Ally, hey." "Oh, yöu having a rough morning?" "Sondra, just tell me it's all gonna be okay." "It's all gonna be okay." "Just give it five years and yöu'll be..." " Years?" " Seven or five..." "Do yöu want me to help yöu with the kids?" "Brandon!" "Buddy, what are yöu doing?" " Do yöu need some help?" " No, I've come this far." " I am going to finish this." " Okay." "Let's go." "Let's go." "This way." "This way." "Around." "Around." "Let's go." "Good morning, y'all!" "How is everyone?" "BOTH:" "Great." "Oh, Sondra." "Yöu are such an inspiration to me." "(LAUGHS) And yöu." "Yöu are so blessed to have her as yöur mother." " I am just so blessed." " (PATTING ARM)" "Mmm..hmm." "(CRYING)" "Let go." "Let go, let go, let go!" "ALLYSON:" "This is my best friend, Izzy." "We pretty much do everything together." "In grade school she was wild and popular, and I was an introvert with braces." "And this is Marco, her husband." "He's always had three irrational fears," "(LOW PANTING) luchadores, biker gangs and small children." "This makes him particularly vulnerable at Halloween." " KIDS:" "Trick or treat!" " Oh!" "(♪♪♪)" "Izzy!" "They're talking to me again." "Doing fine, babe!" "I'm just supposed to check them in." "Oh." " Hey!" " What?" "Don't kill the messenger, but the Sunday school coordinator said to remember yöur number this time." "(SIGHS) Yes." "Yes." "Okay, fine." "Just please, please don't page me over something trivial." "Um, the fire department didn't think it was trivial." " Izzy, look at me." " Ugh!" "I just..." "I need one hour to myself on Mother's Day." "(WHISPERS) Please." "Like, like, me with 20 toddlers." "Thank yöu." "Yöu're a servant." "And fix the eye." "It's really weird, even for me." "(SIGHS)" "(EXHALES SOFTLY)" "Where is it?" "Come on." "Come on." "(FRUSTRATED SIGH)" "(WHISPERS) All right." "Well, okay." "(LOW GRUNT)" "(EXHALES) Work." "Work!" "Why won't yöu work?" "Come on!" "(TOILET FLUSHING)" "(♪♪♪)" "(DISPENSER WHIRRS)" "(SHUDDERING LAUGHTER)" "Psalm 127 says that children are a blessing from the Lord." "Excuse me, can I get..." "That's why the position of mother is a high calling and one that should be honored and protected." "And let's be honest, I know what yöu're thinking." ""Should I be happy when my child" ""shoves a Fruit Roll-Up in the DVD player?"" "(QUIETLY) What are yöu doing?" "What are yöu doing?" "Ooh, sorry." "Can I have my shoe?" "Thank yöu." "I know for some of yöu, Mother's Day can be hard." "If yöu're like my wife," "Mother's Day is when yöu examine all yöur efforts and wonder whether it's worth it when yöu have to sacrifice so much." "Okay." "Or whether yöu're having an impact at all when that teen rebels, or whether yöu're really a good mother by some measure that yöu've created in yöur own mind." " (SIGHS)" " So as we get started today, what I want to say to every mother here... (WHISPERS) Allyson." "(QUIETLY) Look, I know yöu didn't want to be paged, but Beck has an especially large head and those are especially small potties." "But good news." "We found a screwdriver." "I mean, we got the seat off the toilet, but we don't know how to get it off, um, Beck's head." "(LOUDLY) What?" "RAY:" "In a moment, our music..." " (SERMON STOPS) - (QUIET GASPS, COUGHING)" "Our music minister's gonna come and, uh, lead us in song." "And, uh, we're gonna continue the worship." "(SHUDDERING EXHALE)" " Okay." " Uh, we're gonna continue." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "SEAN:" "Whoa." " (SHOES SQUEAKING AGAINST FLOOR) - (EXHALES)" "Hey, hon?" "(WHISPERS) Uh, Ally?" "(♪♪♪)" "Hey." " Yöu're home." "Hi." " What happened?" "Just taking a little break." "Mommy time." " Okay." " I ate the whole bag." " Yeah?" "That's okay." " Yeah." " Yeah." " Okay." "Seriously, the whole bag?" "(SIGHING) Actually, I'm hiding." "From what?" "The house." " It's awful." " It's not awful." " It's awful." " No, it's not." " It's bad." " So bad." "No, it's bad, but it's not awful." "I mean, some of it's awful." "SEAN:" "Uh..." "What do yöu got going over here?" "Sondra posted this." "I can't stop watching." "And I don't know why." "(SIGHS)" "Weird." "Happy Mother's Day." "(♪♪♪)" "(CHOKED UP) It's really sweet." "What?" "Hon." "They're just flowers." "Okay, okay." "I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna get up and clean." "I'm gonna get up and clean." "I'm gonna... (EXHALES) I'm gonna go right now." "'Kay, here we go." "Nothing's happening." "(WHISPERS) I'm stress-paralyzed." " I don't think that's a thing." " (LONG WHINY GROAN)" "It might be a thing." "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine." "I just..." "I need..." "I just need a second." "I don't think yöu're fine." "I love these shoes!" "(SOFT GASP)" "I haven't worn these in, like, two years." "Well, they're good shoes." "(SOBBING) They make my legs look so good!" "Honey." "Come on." "(MUTTERS)" "(SQUEAKY) I'm okay, I'm gonna be fine." "It's okay, we'll make it okay." "Okay." "I wanna go to sleep." "Okay." "(ALLYSON SIGHS)" "(♪♪♪)" "(MUMBLES) I love yöu." "I love yöu, too." "Just..." "Just sleep here for a little while." "BOTH:" "Mmm." "(CHICKS CHEEPING)" "That's like an eagle, right?" "RAY:" "Oh, not again with the bird." "Yöu're watching a bird!" "It's live." "I might miss something." "GLENDA:" "Y'all, it changed me." "I mean, it is profound." "I mean, I only read the introduction, but it is revolutionary in my life." "ALLYSON:" "Reading books is something I aspire to, but I have three kids." "So, yeah, I don't read books." "But being in a book club makes me feel like I read books." "I can feel it." "Every time I go to the mall there's a parking space right out in front." "There's never a parking space right there in the front." "But there is, y'all, every time." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" " (INAUDIBLE)" " Come on!" "Play with me!" "(MOUTHING) What?" "GLENDA:" "It's not like pretty music at all." "It's hot in there." "(WHISPERS) Help!" "GLENDA:" "I'm talking about the new mall." "It's The Favor." "(GLENDA CONTINUES TALKING)" "Take some of yöur old recipes and just rip them up." "(GLENDA CONTINUES TALKING)" "Yöu just zero in on what store's got the best bargains." "And come on, when yöu're happy and got a bargain, yöur husband's gonna be happy about the savings." "(GLENDA CONTINUES TALKING)" "It can help yöu find that red pair of pumps yöu need." "It's kind of shopping karma." "(GLENDA CONTINUES TALKING)" "Emma, remember we went and bought those prom dresses out there?" "I get the sale of the century, and yöu wanna know why?" "It's The Favor." "Amen?" "Yes, sister!" "GLENDA:" "Oh, Sondra." "That is just... (WHISPERS) Thank yöu." "That was..." "Would anyone else like to share?" "Anything?" "Okay, well..." "We didn't even get to talk about when there is a discount involved." "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "(♪♪♪)" "(HEAVY SIGH)" "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "He's going to love this." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Hey, honey." "Hey." "Daddy!" "Check this out." "(CHUCKLES) Whoa." "Yeah, she, um, said she wanted to be an artist when she grew up." "So..." "Wow!" "That is awesome." "Yöu know what?" "Yöu got a lot of talent." " This wall could be worth something someday." " Mmm." "SEAN:" "Okay, here yöu go." "All right." "Yöu know what I wanted to be when I was a boy?" " A basketball player." " (LAUGHING)" "Don't laugh." "There is a proud tradition of white, short basketball players." "(LAUGHS)" "What is this?" "This..." "This is a house that yöur daddy's making." "Isn't it so beautiful?" "Is that a window?" "Yeah, it is." "If yöu move it over here, then yöu can see the pool." "Huh." "BAILEY:" "I'm gonna go play." "See yöu." " Okay." " Okay, see yöu, babe." "Interesting." "Yöu know what I wanted when I was a kid?" "What?" "(SOFTLY) This." "(♪♪♪)" "I wanted to be a mom." "Marry a wonderful man, and I did." "Have beautiful babies and raise them, and I did." "I am." "I don't get it, Sean. (WRY LAUGH)" "This was my dream." "I am literally living it and I'm not happy." "(SIGHS)" "Why do I feel like this?" "I don't know." "(♪♪♪)" "I'm a horrible person." "No." "No, yöu're not a horrible person." "Just tired." "Sorry." "Yöu don't have to be sorry, all right?" "Yöu don't have to be sorry." "Yöu have to choose to do something for yöurself." "Do something for yöurself." "Yöu have to do it." "Yöu're the only one who can do that." "Sean." "But..." "It's the kind of thing that if yöu just..." "Sean, I don't need a lecture right now." "What?" "This is not a lecture." "This is not helpful in this particular moment." "I'm not lecturing yöu." "Honey, I'm listening to yöu." "I'm sitting here and I am listening to yöu." "I know, I know yöu're listening." "And I'm hearing yöu." "(SEAN EXHALES)" "Yöu doing both of those things?" " Listening and hearing?" " (CHUCKLES)" "I am." "I'm very talented." " Oh." "Yöu are talented." " Yes, I am." "I'm showing marked improvement." "Yöu have to give me that." " I'm..." "I..." " I want credit." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Who is that?" "(SIGHS) That'll be Bridget." "What?" "Yeah, I called Bridget and invited her to dinner, and, uh, then I forgot." "Dinner?" " Yeah." " BRIDGET:" "Open up, yöu community of losers." " I'm hungry." " It's okay." "Just..." "Yöu know, it's fine." "We'll just whip something up." " Oh, we'll just whip something up?" " Yeah." "Yeah, 'cause that's usually how that happens." "We do it together." "Looking forward to whipping something up with yöu, together." "Wind it up!" "Whoop, whoop!" "ALLYSON:" "This is Sean's half-sister, Bridget." "Bridget says awkward things." "Bridget has no filter." "Hey, I'm not done with that!" "Give it back." "So, um, great news." "I got a new job." "We needed a little more, so, um, I picked up a night shift at a bowling alley." " ALLYSON:" "Cool." " (BRIDGET LAUGHS)" "SEAN:" "That is unbelievably cool." "ALLYSON:" "Oh, no." "Here it comes." "She knows I compulsively take care of people." "(ALLYSON READING)" "I can't say no." "I start on Saturday night and I was hoping yöu could watch Phoenix while I work." " Saturday night?" " Mmm..hmm." "Oh, yeah, um, normally, yes." "But I'm actually glad yöu brought that up because I planned this, uh, moms' night thing." " BRIDGET:" "Oh." " Yöu what?" "For Saturday." "Yöu planned a moms' night?" "I did." "I planned one." "BRIDGET:" "Yöu always babysit Phoenix on the weekends." "(LAUGHS) I was sort of counting on yöu when I got the job." "Yeah, um..." "Yöu know when a flight attendant goes through the safety thing?" "Yöu know when they say, uh, yöu have to put on yöur oxygen mask first" " before assisting others?" " Are we flying somewhere?" "Is this what we're..." "Yeah." "Yeah, yöu need yöur oxygen mask." "Yöu have to have yöur mask on before assisting others." " Ah." " Right?" "Before yöu can help others!" "BRIDGET:" "Wow, Sean." "We get it!" "It's a metaphor." "I think we both..." "We got it." "It's a very good metaphor." "Thank yöu for pointing that out." "Yöu're welcome." " Yöu will go..." " Saturday." " Saturday night." "Yöu will go Saturday night." " Saturday night." " Saturday night?" " Saturday night." " Really?" " It's Saturday." "Oh, no!" "Sean can't play video games on Saturday night with his loser friends." "First of all, that's low." "Yöu don't even know Kevin." "I know Kevin." "ALLYSON:" "Kevin is Sean's friend." "Sean met Kevin when they were in the fifth grade." "(BLOWING)" "They started playing video games as juveniles." "They still play video games like juveniles." "Don't stand right behind me, move over!" "No, no, no, no, no." "Backup, backup." "(STAMMERS)" "I just died." "ALLYSON:" "Kevin hates kids." "Well, I hate kids." "Yöu don't hate kids." "I hate kids." "ALLYSON:" "Somehow Sean justifies this relationship." "No, I didn't shoot yöu." "The guy behind yöu shot yöu." "I use video games to transition from work stress." "That's my oxygen!" "I put mine on, video, I can help yöu put yöurs on, and then yöu can help the rest of the world." "Thank yöu." "(SIGHS) Who's gonna watch the baby?" "What about Joey?" "ALLYSON:" "Joey is Bridget's ex." "He's a fun guy." "In a non-committal, allergic to all responsibility kind of way." "No." "I tried that." "SEAN:" "Here's the thing, yöu're going out and I'm gonna, uh, watch Phoenix." " ALLYSON:" "Yöu're gonna watch Phoenix?" " I will watch Phoenix." "Big brother to the rescue once again and everybody's happy." "I don't need yöur charity and I certainly don't need yöur metaphors." "So I'm gonna go get yöu to bed 'cause that's the responsible thing to do." "'Cause I'm so responsible." "Later." "See yöu later." "Look for yöur oxygen!" "Yöu'll find it!" " (SIGHS) - (DOOR CLOSES)" "Thought that went well." "And also, uh, Marco's bringing the twins over because he's afraid to watch them alone." " What?" " Surprise!" "Sorry." "That's a lot of kids." "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "(EXHALES)" "(GROANING)" "(♪♪♪)" "Wow." "Wow, honey, yöu look amazing." "Are yöu sure tonight's okay?" "Because I'm starting to feel guilty again..." " It's fine!" " That's okay?" " Come on!" "Yes!" " Okay." "Yöu're gonna have fun, all right?" " I've got this, all right?" " Okay." "I'm not gonna call yöu unless there's a natural disaster and then I might not even call yöu, okay?" "The house could be flying," " I'm not calling yöu at that point." " (LAUGHS)" " Promise me yöu'll do one thing." " Okay." "Promise me that yöu'll do whatever it takes to..." "To unplug and just breathe." "(EXHALES)" "(CRICKETS CHIRPING)" "I promise." "(VEHICLE APPROACHING)" "BRANDON:" "Kevin!" "(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)" "Allyson." "Kevin?" "Yeah, Kevin's coming." " What?" " He's gonna help with the kids." "He might help with the kids." "He's here to help." "I think he had a free night." "Kevin is babysitting?" "No, no, no, no." "I'm babysitting." "Kevin's just here." "Get in here, Stout Flipper." "Let's do this." "ALLYSON:" "What?" "His gamertag." "Please tell me yöu are not going to be playing those violent video games..." "BRANDON:" "Double kill!" "With our son!" "Yöu know what?" "Yöu're gonna have to define violence because that Lego game yöu got him, those characters shatter into, like, a million pieces, and that is sick." " What?" " Right?" "Okay?" "Just breathe." "(INHALES)" "(BOTH EXHALE)" "Don't wanna know." "Not tonight, 'cause I love everybody." "(WHISPERING) I don't wanna know." "I don't." "Destroy them all!" "Okay, yöu know what childhood friends do eventually?" "Oh, just say it." " They grow up." " There it is!" "BRANDON:" "Let's go." "One night, dude!" "Okay." "Good. (INHALES)" "I gotta breathe. (EXHALES)" "Izzy." "Breathe. (PANTING)" "Breathe." "Hold on!" "This is beautiful." "Yöu're positive." "Oh, crud!" "I know yöu'll do great." "Uh, yeah." "Okay, well, I mean, I have the wipies and I have the diapers." "I've got no red dye, 'cause I know it drives them crazy, right?" "But yöu said there were three emergency numbers." "I only have two, Izzy." " I only..." " Stop second-guessing yöurself." "No, I'm actually not." "I have full confidence in myself and my abilities as a father." "See, it's one night." "I believe in yöu." "And yöu shouldn't." "I mean, what's the worst thing that can happen?" "Serious injury, death, they could get maimed, I could lose both children!" "It's getting hot in here!" "I feel..." "We gotta get the air looked at." "So, good luck." "(♪♪♪)" "Ah, yöu look gorgeous." "Okay." "I wanna have crazy fun." " Got it." " Get me out of here." " Yes, ma'am." "Let's go." " Now." "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "Whose credit cards did this all go on?" "(LAUGHS) Oh, no." "Oh, no, no, no." "Yöu are never wearing those." "Over my dead body, and my credit cards won't work if I'm dead." "ZOE:" "But everybody's wearing them." "SONDRA:" "Really?" "Well, I'm not wearing them and yöur father's not wearing them." "Thank God." " ALLYSON:" "Hi!" " I'll just be a second." "Okay." "Oh, wow." "Ally's not wearing them." " So, whose car are we taking?" " Oh, can we take Ray's?" "I can't be seen riding around in Ray's midlife crisis, and anyway, it's a cop magnet." "I am so sorry that I wanna go out with a guy that I met from church!" "How wild of me." "Wow, I'm so crazy!" " Hold on." " Okay." "Okay." "Yöu are not going anywhere until yöur father gets home and he's gonna agree with me when he gets home, so good luck with that." "Here I come." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, good!" "Okay." "IZZY:" "It was working a minute ago." "Why does it keep cutting out?" "Well, because my daughter spilled apple juice all over it." "Here, yöu just have to... (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO)" "Kind of loud!" "ALLYSON:" "The volume doesn't really work either." "(♪♪♪)" "Yes." "SONDRA:" "What about a CD, hmm?" "Oh." "Do yöu have any Amy Grant?" "(♪♪♪)" "Uh..." "Okay, let me check." "ALLYSON:" "Oh, no!" "No, don't touch that!" " (ALL GROANING) - ♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G" "♪ H, I, J, K..." "This happened once before." "It's fine." "♪ Q, R, S, T... (MUSIC CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "SONDRA:" "Ooh, well, now I know my ABC's." "Hey, good news is we got a great parking spot." "Right under the light." "Safest place." "Oh, yeah." "I read that blog." "Yöu know what, ladies?" "Tonight is our night and we look good." "Mmm..hmm." " Let's do it." " Let's do it." "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "Hello, welcome to Chez Magique." "Yöur journey awaits yöu." "Ooh." "Field, party of three." "Okay, uh, what is yöur name?" " Field." " Hmm." "I cannot seem to find yöur reservation on my scroll." "Sorry." "But I..." "I..." "It's only a two-and-a-half-hour wait." "Totally worth it." "And during that time, yöu're more than welcome to observe the art in the gallery." "I don't want to observe art." "I know." "It's really exhausting, right?" "Look, I scouted, I planned, I got the Groupon, I made a reservation." "I did everything required of me, so there must be some mistake." "How about this?" "Why don't I go back and talk to my visionary for yöu?" "Yöur what?" "My manager." "Oh, yeah." "Just wait here, 'Kay?" "(SIGHS)" "Is everything okay?" "No, they lost our reservation." "The wait is two and a half hours." "This is going to completely ruin our night." "SONDRA:" "No, no." "Yöu know what?" "Everything is gonna be okay." "There is a man-child playing death video games at home with my son." "I'm just..." "Yöu know what..." "Ally, Ally." "Relax." "I'm sure Sean has everything under control." "Relax." "ALLYSON:" "I've played it all out." "Right now, I bet he's playing some game with the kids, like cops and robbers, and it's gotten totally out of control." " This is out of control, Sean!" " It's not out of control!" "This is totally out of control." "It's out of control." "No, it's not." " I can't see the kids." " Whoa, whoa, whoa." "ALLYSON:" "And the house is a wreck and Brandon is playing death video games." "SEAN:" "I know yöu can do it!" "Yöu may not have any sense of what yöu're doing." "None of us do!" "I didn't sign up for this." "I did not sign up for this." "ALLYSON:" "And I bet Marco is all freaked out and overwhelmed, and Sean is giving him the Braveheart speech." "This is yöur moment!" "Let me tell yöu something, okay?" "Fatherhood's about manning up!" "ALLYSON:" "And one of the twins is in a video game coma, which will make him have nightmares and will make Izzy mad at me on Monday." "I've played it all out." " Joey?" " (CHUCKLING) Hey." " Hi, Allyson." " Hi." "I didn't recognize yöu without yöur kids." "What are yöu doing here?" " Just meeting somebody." " Oh." "We're just having dinner." "Little girls' night." "Yeah, yeah." "Bridget told me." "No, Zoe." "I told yöu, yöu cannot take yöur father's car." "And if yöu know where yöu're going, why don't yöu just tell me where it is?" "Yeah, it is so simple." "(PATRONS LAUGHING)" "Have a nice night." "'Kay." "Hey, if yöu talk to Bridget, don't tell her yöu ran into me, okay?" "What?" "Wait, why not?" "So, after a very helpful consultation with my superior, there is a very special table that awaits yöu next Saturday, because that's when yöu made yöur reservation." "No, no, no, I didn't." "I, um, called on Monday..." "Yöu did." "Yöu called and yöu spoke with Brie." " ALLYSON:" "Yes!" "Brie, yes, yes." " Remember her?" "Yeah, she's really pretty." "And yöu said next Saturday." "Yes." "Next Saturday, as in the next available Saturday." "The next one that exists." "The next one to be." "No." "Next Saturday would be the Saturday immediately following the current week yöu are in." "No, it's the one immediately following whatever day it is." "That's what next means." "Mmm, mmm..mmm." "No." "That would be "this" Saturday." "As in, like, this pen here." "As in, like, this little mousey thing." "As in this phone." "Like, "Oh, hello, I'd like to make a reservation for this Saturday."" ""Oh, yöu mean today?" "Yes, yöu may." See, like that." "But, yöu didn't say "this," yöu said "next."" "I don't care what I said!" "Just give me a table!" "Okay, Ally, I think she gets the idea." "Yeah." "Yöu're getting a little angry and it's doing something ugly to yöur face." "Yöu don't look good." "ALLYSON:" "I'm sorry, I just..." "Can yöu help a girl out?" " This is my first night out in forever!" " Aw." "And I'm wearing heels, I'm carrying a small purse." "I just wanna sit down with my friends and enjoy a meal without three little people clawing all over me!" "So, let us know when a table's available." "Okay, I'll do that." "I just..." "I need a break because my job never ends." "So can yöu please just check yöur scroll and maybe just change yöur scroll?" "Oh, um... (CLEARS THROAT)" "Visionary has decided that yöu've disrupted the aura and yöu need to leave." "(SQUEAKS) What?" "(LAUGHING) What?" "The... (SIGHS) This is a restaurant!" "This used to be Mike's Barbeque!" " How dare yöu talk." " SONDRA:" "Okay, we gotta go." "The aura?" "Really, aura?" "These are so good." "Goodbye." "I made a reservation." "This is unbelievable." "I didn't wanna eat there anyway." "I just need to eat somewhere." "Not a big deal, Ally, we can do this another night." "No!" "We're not doing this another night." "Because tonight is our night" " and tonight is not a failure!" " (CELL PHONE RINGS)" "Just one second." "Marco is so clueless sometimes!" " Zoe." " Are yöu really gonna just..." "I told yöu not to go anywhere until yöur father got..." "No, Zoe." "Yöu listen to me." "Don't go anywhere until..." "Marco forgot the wipes." "I mean, seriously?" " What are yöu doing?" " (HORN BLARING)" "What are yöu doing?" " I'm saving yöur life." " I'm sorry," " I may have to go." " No, yöu're not gonna do that either." " This is my life." " I need my phone!" "I need my phone!" "Ally, Ally, I need my phone!" "Honey, let's just talk about this!" "Don't do anything crazy!" "I was in the middle of a text!" "Marco can find the rash cream on his own." "I have full confidence he can do it." "Except he can't." "Sean told me to unplug!" "This is me unplugging, okay?" "I'm listening to my husband, Sondra." "It's biblical, right?" "SONDRA:" "It is biblical." "(CAR LOCK BEEPS)" "ALLYSON:" "Okay." "(CAR LOCK BEEPS)" "No phones!" "No phones!" "So, this is what we're gonna do." "We're gonna, we're gonna..." "We're gonna, um..." "We're gonna go bowling!" "Who wants to go bowling?" "I know I do." "Sondra?" " Fine." "Absolutely." " Yes!" "Bowling it is." "Let's go." "(SIGHS) I'm letting my hair down, ladies." "I am not wearing vending machine socks." "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "BOTH:" "Whoa." "(STAMMERING ANGRILY)" "Yöu all right?" "Yes, yes, I'm, I'm fine." "I'm under control." "Would yöu help me get my kids out?" " (BIRD SHRIEKS)" " Whoa, whoa." " SEAN:" "What was that?" " It's a bird." " A bird?" " Yes, it's a bird, okay?" "My kids, they wanted to bring the pet bird." "SEAN:" "And yöu let them?" "I didn't know it was gonna be flying all over the place!" "Why didn't yöu put it in the cage?" "Yöu don't think I thought of that?" "Look, it was in the cage, and the locking mechanism isn't exactly very intuitive." "Stay, Mama." "Its name is Mama?" "Yes, its name is Mama." "Izzy was the one that let the twins name her, okay?" " Yöu got a bird flying around, Marco!" " Shh." "SEAN:" "I don't think he's scared." " I think he doesn't wanna hurt..." " (BIRD SCREECHING)" "Okay, so here's the plan." "We take them inside, get their hand stamped and they can't get out." "Like Shawshank Redemption." "I love it." "(GROUP CHEERING)" "Hey!" "(LAUGHING)" " Oh, hi." " Good for yöu." "Good job." "Why don't yöu go ahead and just..." "That kind of..." "That threw me a little bit." "Well, this was a good idea, Ally." "We're having fun after all." "Hey, um, so I am really sorry about that horrifying display back there." "I actually think I might be going a little bit crazy." "No, yöu were just having a moment." "That's all." "It was, like, my fifth one this week." "So..." "It happens to everyone." " (LAUGHS) Really?" " Mmm..hmm." "Yet somehow I can't quite picture yöu having a moment like that." "So, how is the blog going?" "Oh, the blog." "It's..." "It's not coming really at all." "I can't..." "I can't really find anything worth saying." "And then when I sit down to try," "I just wind up staring at that eagle's nest." "Yöu have completely ruined me." "And Ray thinks it's crazy." "No, seriously, I cannot stop watching it." "Like, it is a problem." "I don't know, Sondra." "I just feel like she's so there." "Yöu know, like, she's peaceful." "And she's happy." "Are yöu happy?" "Look, Ally." "Life is not about a parking space." "It's not about God taking away all our problems and making everything perfect." "It's about finding the meaning and the joy and the purpose in this, in all the chaos and the crazy." "And it's knowing..." "It's knowing that God is with yöu on the good days and the bad days." "Yöu know, does my faith give me that?" "Yes, it does." "Am I always happy?" "No, that's a fantasy." " Think I'm..." " Hmm." " Hey, Ally." " Yeah." "Thank yöu for inviting me tonight." "Yöu know, it's the first time anyone from the church has invited me to something like this for..." "First time in five years." "Of course." "(QUIETLY) Yeah." " Hey, yeah." "Yes, going." " Ooh." "Hey, can I ask yöu something?" "Little free advice." "Sure." "(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)" "(CELL PHONES RINGING)" "(CELL PHONES DINGING)" "(RINGING CONTINUES)" "Hey, Ally." "It's me." "Uh, just wanted to let yöu know that everything is going great here." "Uh, we're all good." "Um, we're gonna take a little trip to the hospital." "Are yöu kidding me?" "Yöu want 50 tickets for this?" "That's extortion." "Beck got himself caught in the Rocket to Mars game." "They didn't have to use the jaws of life to get him out this time, thank goodness." "Uh, he's free now and he's looking good, his vitals are good." "He's stable." "They say we gotta take him down to have him looked at, anyway." "Uh, a matter of policy, which is fine, because I sort of, um..." "I dislocated my shoulder trying to get him out of there." "(CHUCKLES) Funny thing." "KEVIN:" "We spent 50 bucks and got 200 tickets, so I expect something of equal or greater value." " Like a, like a, like a..." " Puppy!" "Yes!" "A live animal." "I want something like a live animal." "Like a turtle or one of those pet pigs." "I'd like a pet pig." "SEAN:" "Me and the Beckster are kind of cruising on our own." "(GROANS) They need the minivan to move the kids around." "We know where yöu are, so we're just gonna slip into the parking lot and switch the keys out for the minivan." "And, uh, Marco told, uh..." "Texted Izzy that, so she should..." "She should know that." "Uh, I'm pretty sure she got most of that." "What about the bouncy balls, right?" "I mean, kids like the bouncy balls." "Marco, that's a choking hazard." "Why am I the only one that knows this stuff?" "(♪♪♪)" "DJ:" "Watch out, ladies and gentlemen." " It's time for the Dance Cam!" " (CHEERING)" "Who's it gonna be?" "Who's it gonna be?" "Oh, that is loud." "That's very loud." "DJ:" "The winner of tonight's Dance Cam..." "Oh, my." " gets a free month of bowling!" " (CHEERING)" "Yeah, let me hear yöu!" "Uh..huh!" "All right!" "Michelle!" "Nice moves." "It's not Michelle." "All right, it's Ashley." "Everyone, give it up for Ashley." "(APPLAUSE)" "Back to the music." "Okay, so, how far along are yöu?" " What?" " Well, yöu're..." "No, because if I was, I would be freaking out that my husband would go whimpering into a fetal position like he did last time." "I gotta be honest with yöu, I didn't get any of that." "(ALLYSON GASPS)" "Six pins down, ladies!" "Beat that, Sondra." "That's more than six." "ALLYSON:" "Oh!" "(GROANS) Moral dilemma." "Ally?" "Hey, what are yöu guys doing here?" "Hey, Bridge." "Yeah, we're, uh, yöu know, glow-in-the-dark bowling." "Which is so fun!" "It is, really." "But it's actually not that fun." "Okay, anyone else who wants to be on the Dance Cam?" "Did yöu see that?" "Oh, no, no, no." "We can't have any of this at our table." " No, this does not look good." "That does not look good." " (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "CROWD: (CHANTING) Dance!" "Wiggle." "Do anything." "These aren't mine." "I don't drink." "No, these are not mine." "I can't." "No, I don't dance." "(CHANTING CONTINUES)" "No, I got to get over and... (CROWD BOOING)" "(BUZZER BUZZING)" "DJ:" "Boo!" "Yöu, ma'am, are an embarrassment." "That's a Dance Fail." " It's right there." " Yeah, she tried." "She tried, though." " She tried hard." " She tried." "Oh, hey, um..." "Actually, I was just wondering, who'd yöu wind up getting to babysit Phoenix?" "Oh, I just asked Joey to do it." "I think yöu were right." "He owed Phoenix some Daddy time." "Joey?" "Joey, as in yöur ex-boyfriend Joey?" "That Joey?" "Yes, yes." "That Joey, why?" "Know what?" "Um, no." " Why?" " (SIGHS)" "What's going on?" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hey." "Hi, welcome to Chez Magique." "Yöur journey awaits yöu." "Great, thanks." " Oh, uh, no!" "Yöu need to wait here." " (CHUCKLES)" "Are yöu kidding me?" "Move." " Um, I will not move. (CHUCKLES)" " ALLYSON:" "Um, yes, yöu will, or so help me," "I will take this aura in here and I will murder it!" "Yöu're kidding me." "BOTH:" "No." "(CHUCKLES)" "Whatever." "Namaste." " Here, take the bird." " I don't want the bird." "Oh, no, yöu gotta take the bird." "There's no way the boys are gonna get in the car without the bird." " (SCOFFS) I don't want the bird." " Take the bird!" "Hey, where's the car seat?" "Yeah, dude." "Everybody knows yöu need a car seat." "Yöu gotta get the car seat." "That's the whole point." "What am I gonna do with a bird?" "Don't talk to me." "Joey!" "Seriously?" "I leave Phoenix with yöu for one night!" "He's fine." "Somebody's watching him." "So that yöu can take yöur tramp out for chocolate cake?" "Oh, that's great." "Hi, I'm Bridget." "Nice to meet yöu." "This is totally not what it looks like." "Where is he?" "(ENGINE STARTING)" "♪ Do it again!" "♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G" "♪ H, I, J, K, L, M, N... ♪" " (MUSIC STOPS)" " Man." "(CHIRPING)" "No!" "(GASPS)" "No, no, no, no, no." "Sean, tell me that was not my bird." "Tell me that was not my bird that just flew away." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" " Hey, that's our parking spot!" "(GROANS) - (CAR LOCK BEEPS)" "Who has him?" "Bones." "(CHUCKLES)" "Bones." "Bones from the tattoo parlor, Bones?" "Yeah, yeah." "He said he could hang there until I pick him up." "He's at the tattoo parlor?" "JOEY:" "He's not getting a tattoo!" "I am not going in there!" " Yöu gotta go in there." " I don't wanna go in there." "Because this night will never end!" "That's why yöu gotta go in." "I said, I promised, I vowed." "I said, yöu know, everything, and then I walk in?" "Please." "I'm just not going in there." "It's a matter of principle." "Okay?" "Marco, give me yöur keys." "We'll leave my car in this general area for the girls." "Yöu guys take the van and the kids to my house." "Geez, this is confusing." "I gotta get Beck to the hospital." "BOTH:" "Beck's fine." "Did yöu hear the fire guy?" "It's policy!" "Now, make the transition." "But what about my bird?" "I got an idea." "I got an idea." "I saw this on Animal Planet once." " They come back." " What, like this?" " Yeah." " Mama!" "It's not a falcon." "I am not overreacting!" "I'm calling from Chez Magique." "There's a crazy lady in my restaurant." "She just brought her crazy baby sister, or mini-her." "There's two crazy ladies now." "One crazy lady first." "Now two crazy ladies." " (SCREAMING)" " Chez Magique." "Marco!" "Get it off!" "Get it off!" "Marco!" "Marco!" "Where's the bird?" "Do yöu see it?" "Shh." "Where's my bird?" "Where's my bird?" "I sat on it." " Hmm." " I'm dead." " I'm gonna kill yöu!" " No, no." " Kill yöu!" " ALLYSON:" "Stop, stop." "Okay, okay." "In yöur sleep!" "ALLYSON:" "Yep, yep." "Okay." "Let's go." "JOEY:" "It's..." "Just, it's nothing." "It's..." "How am I supposed to get him?" "I took the bus to get here." "If I leave work early on my first night," "I'm gonna get fired!" "On my first night!" "I need this job." " Ally." " I've got the van." "We'll run, we'll pick him up." "We can fix this." "Get right back on schedule." "Best night out ever will just be on pause for 30 minutes, right?" "And then do what with the baby?" "I haven't gotten that far yet." "Let's get the van, then..." "Where's the van?" "I parked it right there." "IZZY:" "It only takes a couple of seconds to steal a car." "That's what Marco says." "Always lock everything up." "I did!" "Am I crazy?" "So, what do I do?" "Do I report it to the police?" "With what phones?" "Oh, no." "No, no, no, no, no, no!" "Yöu guys don't have phones?" "Okay, I'm freaking out now." "My phone's back at work." "We'll just use mine." "Okay, great." "Let's go." "Oh, hey, can yöu ask them and see if they saw anything?" "And don't forget our shoes." "But maybe not wear them." "My feet are killing me." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Uh, uh, there, uh..." "There are a bunch of stickers on there." "So, there's a fish one that's pretty faded." "And, um, "Eat Organic."" ""My homeschooler is smarter than yöur honor student."" "(STAMMERING) There are a bunch of others, but I don't really wanna talk about them." "But yöu get the idea." "Okay?" "It's an emergency." "It's personal." "ALLYSON:" "We think it was taken sometime around 8:00." " Hey, I called a cab." " Great." "Okay, thank yöu very much." "Are yöu sure this is the fastest way to Davis Street?" "(ENGLISH ACCENT) Absolutely." "This is the fastest way." "Why don't yöu just cut over on to Eighth?" "He should take the expressway." "Are yöu from England?" "No, I just watched a little bit of the BBC and I picked up the accent." "I'm a cabbie, luv." "It's my occupation." "Why do people from other countries always sound smarter?" "Because we are smarter, which is why this is the fastest way." " Okay, can yöu step on it?" " Why, yöu're all very lovely, but, no, I'm not gonna get a ticket for the four of yöu." "Well, we're trying to find her baby, who happens to be stuck in a tattoo parlor." "Yeah, well, that's none of my business." "Are yöu having a laugh?" " (HORN HONKING)" " Road, road, road!" " (TIRES SQUEALING) - (HORN BLARING)" " Right!" " Watch..." "Right." "Onward!" "I'm sorry." "Where are we going again?" "So, can yöu wait just five minutes?" "Is that an actual five minutes, or is that a ladies' night five minutes?" "How long can it take to get a baby?" "Is Bones here?" "Yeah, he's working." "Can yöu go get him, please?" "'Cause I have a question for him." " (OVERLAPPING TALKING)" " He, apparently, has her baby..." "BRIDGET:" "I need to talk to him right now." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Simmer down, y'all." "I can't even understand what yöu're saying right now." "Like, Chill." "For real." "Look, we're here to get Phoenix." "See, that's what I'm talking about." "Phoenix." "Rising from the ashes." "That's number 97 over there." "But I think yöu should do it across yöur back, 'cause it'll be real pretty-like right there." "No, no, no, she was talking..." " Shh!" " Sorry." "Phoenix is my baby." "Well, do yöu have a picture?" "'Cause Bones needs a picture to get the tattoo perfect." "Yöu know what I'm saying?" "'Cause them little hellions are hard to draw." "(OVERLAPPING TALKING)" "None of us want a tattoo!" "I want a tattoo." " Yeah, yöu do." " Okay." "Phoenix is my baby and he's in the back." "And we are here to pick him up." "But who would bring a baby to a tattoo parlor?" " Like, that's dumb." "That's real dumb." " BRIDGET:" "I know, right?" " (GROANS) - (OVERLAPPING TALKING)" "Yeah, that's actually a viable question." "(OVERLAPPING TALKING CONTINUES)" "Illegal." "(♪♪♪)" "Hello." "Okay, I'm officially freaking out now." "Bridget, it's gonna be okay." "(MACHINE BUZZING)" "Okay, so, there's no baby back there, which is awesome." "But yöu guys had me." "I was a little scared, like, maybe yöu were from the health department or something." "Okay." "We're gonna come up with a plan." "Yöu were gonna arrest me, or maybe worse, cut off my hair, like, what!" " We'll figure it out." " Okay." "What would happen if yöu cut my hair?" "It's okay, though." "Look, Bones is gonna help yöu when he's done." "Everything's okay." "Like, we're good." "I need to talk to Bones right now!" "Yöu can't rush art." "BRIDGET:" "What is wrong with yöu?" " (OVERLAPPING TALKING)" " Are yöu hearing what I'm saying?" "Yöu know what?" "I am just..." "I'm gonna call the police." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Look, calm down." "Look, yöu're scaring everyone." "Like, look, seriously, I'm gonna have to ask yöu to leave and take yöur little Housewives of Ohio with yöu." " Like, for real." "Go." "Yöu just scared everyone." " Ladies." "And take this one, 'cause she's been eyeing me the whole night." " Follow me." " Follow mama bear." "That's right." "I was just kidding." "Yöu're cute." "I'm married." "I love yöu." "(SIGHS)" "So, what do I do?" "Should I call the police?" "Ally?" "I don't..." "Okay, ladies." "Follow me." " ALLYSON:" "What?" " Back door." " (DOGS BARKING) - (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)" " (CLATTERING)" " Oh!" "Watch it." "Watch it, ladies." "Germs." "Germs everywhere!" "Be careful there." "Okay, don't touch that." "There's hair in it." "Okay." " (SIGHS) - (CAT YOWLING)" "Yöu know, this is a bad idea." "No, no, no, no!" "We can get this open, right?" " Who wants to help?" " Bridge..." "Ain't no money back here, so turn yöurs..." " Hey." " Bones, it's me, Bridget." "Bridget." "Hey, baby girl, what are yöu doing back here?" "Oh, I'm just here to get Phoenix." "Joey said he dropped him off with yöu, right?" "Yeah." "Oh." "I love that kid." "Yöu ever notice that he snorts when he starts to laugh?" "Adorable, he really is, but..." "Do I know yöu from somewhere?" "My husband is the pastor of First Baptist." "No, that's not it." "I can't go an hour without a smoke, and it's an awful habit." "I also know that yöu should not do that around a baby..." "Bonnaroo?" "No. (CHUCKLES)" "I could have swore I know yöu..." "Bones, Bone, Bones!" "My baby." "So, I called Caprice and Caprice said she'd take him until Joe got back." " Caprice Stevens?" " Mmm..hmm." "Joey's ex!" "(CHUCKLES)" "It's okay." "She don't smoke." "She's a non-smoker." "Yöu need her address?" "No, I know where she lives!" "Yöu ladies should really stay out of the alleys, though." "There's some unsavory types of fellows hanging out back here." " Open this door now!" " Ladies, ladies." "Can we not..." "Oi, what's going on?" "Would someone please communicate with me?" " What's yöur problem?" " Where is Caprice?" "She went out, man." "Went out where?" "She didn't say." "Who are yöu?" "We're here to pick up baby Phoenix, my nephew." "My son." "Oh, right, right." "Yeah, yöur baby's been screaming his lungs out." "What do yöu mean?" "Why?" "Is he okay?" " What happened?" " Where did she go?" "I told yöu, I don't know." "Okay." "Let me in here, yöu worthless pothead!" " (OVERLAPPING TALKING)" " CABBIE:" "Whoa, whoa." "Let me handle this, girls." "Let me handle this." "(LAUGHS)" "Uh, yöu." "Now, look at yöu." "Yöu pathetic primitive." "Yöu leech on society." "Yöu, that represent everything that's wrong with the American economy." "Here's what we're gonna do." "Listen very closely." "In three..." "Oi!" " (KNOCKING)" " Open the door!" "I do not like that!" "Would yöu please..." "Yes." "As I was... (GRUNTING)" "Ow!" "Would yöu please stop?" " Why are yöu being a baby?" " I'm not." " (KNOCKING)" " BRIDGET:" "Bones, help!" "Bones!" "I thought I told y'all to stay out of the alley." "What's wrong, darling?" "Caprice was not there." "There's some guy named Hank and he said she took Phoenix, but he wouldn't tell us where." " And then he assaulted our cab driver." " Right in the nose." "Blood everywhere." "Lollapalooza?" "No." " Ozzfest?" " Never." " Live Aid?" " Please stop." "Can we please pull the conversation back to my missing child?" "I have no idea where he is and I'm just..." "I'm just worried sick about him and I didn't know where else to turn, so... (SIGHS)" "Why did yöu leave him?" "(KNOCKING)" "(POUNDING ON DOOR)" "All right, fine!" "I'm coming." "HANK:" "Why yöu gotta be so loud?" " BONES:" "Hello, Hank." " (SCREAMS)" "Hank, where's the baby?" "Bones, I don't know." "Don't lie to me." " I'm not lying!" " Yöu know what's gonna happen to yöu?" " Where'd she say she was going?" " Um..." "I believe her exact words were," ""I need a drink"?" "Yöu let Caprice, six months sober, go out drinking with a baby?" "Yes." "Hank, yöu deserve this." "(GASPS)" "That's what I would have done." "(THUD)" "(BONES SIGHS)" "I hate to be the one to tell yöu this." "Seems as if yöur baby is the drinking buddy of a relapsing alcoholic." "Oh." " Breathe." " We don't have much time." "We should go." " Let's go." " BRIDGET:" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "(ENGINE STARTS)" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "What's all that ruckus over there?" "Honey, yöu know it ain't no telling." "Lord have mercy." "Those people across the street." "Yöur momma be here in a little bit, baby, I'm sure." "Aw." "SEAN:" "Here we go." "Okay." "Hey, Sean." "What's going on?" "Hey, Ray." "What are yöu doing here?" "I'm seeing a church member." "Have yöu heard from the girls?" "I can't get a hold of Sondra." "(HORN HONKING)" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" " (BRIDGET PANTING) - (CHUCKLES)" "This phone is almost dead." "Okay, okay, where are we going?" "SEAN:" "Hello, Bridget?" "No, honey, it's Ally." "(DISTORTED) We are in deep, deep trouble." "Hon, I can't hear yöu, yöu're breaking up." " Yöu said what?" " Fifth Avenue." " Bones was there." " I can't..." "Hon, I can't hear yöu." "Slow down." "Cab driver is bleeding everywhere." "It's insane." "Who's bleeding?" "Somebody's bleeding?" " Did yöu say bleeding?" " Whoa!" "Look out." "Hello?" " She's in trouble." "We gotta go." " Yeah." " (GROANING)" " What?" "Searing pain!" "Searing pain." "Yöu know, we're in a hospital." "Yeah, sorry, it's just my shoulder." "It's okay." "I have a plan." "It's okay." "(SEAN PANTING)" " (THUMPS, GRUNTS)" " Oh!" " That can't be good." " Okay, uh, sir." "Sir." "Sir, I think yöu need to see a doctor about that." "(GROANS) I know." "I know, but my wife's in trouble." "It can wait." "Hold on." "Third time's a charm." "Third time." "(PANTING)" "It's gonna be fine." " Aah!" " RAY:" "Oh!" " It worked!" " NURSE: (GASPS) Seriously?" "Yeah, it worked." "It's good." " RAY:" "Yöu're good?" " Yup." "It's good." "It's good." "All right." "That's great." "Why don't yöu let me drive, all right?" " (GROANS)" " Come on." "We're going for a little ride, buddy." "SEAN:" "She said something about a tattoo parlor on Fifth and a guy named Bones." "Okay." "All right." "So just try and follow him." "I'm sorry about this." "Not to worry, luv." "I'm a trained professional." "I learned this doing a little stint in Germany." "The autobahn is no place for the faint of heart." " (TIRES SQUEALING) - (SCREAMING)" "IZZY:" "Oh, I'm gonna throw up." "This is nothing." "Wait." "Is that..." "That's my van!" "♪ Sing with me!" "A, B, C, D... ♪" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "I did it!" "I did it!" "I did it!" "No more noise!" "No more music!" " (KIDS COMPLAINING)" " Put it back on." " What?" " Put it back on right now!" " Where?" " Get the van!" "The van!" "Get the van!" "That's my van!" "That's my stolen van!" "Go get it!" "Get it!" "BRIDGET:" "What about my baby?" "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!" "He's getting away!" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(SIREN WAILING)" "(GIRL SCREAMS)" " (SIRENS CONTINUE)" " KEVIN:" "What are yöu doing?" "I'm being followed by American Choppers back there." "Then go faster!" "Go faster!" "No, no, no!" "No faster!" "No faster!" "MARCO:" "Now the cops are following him, too!" "Just get out of the way." "I've been trying to get out of the way, okay?" " They keep following me." "I'm trying!" " No, just get out of the way!" "Light red." "Light's red!" " Light's red!" " I see it!" "I see it!" "Don't do it!" " (SCREAMING) - (SIREN CONTINUES)" "I have a sighting on that stolen van." "A gray Sienna with..." "With, I don't know, stickers." "No, no, no." "No, no!" "(SCREAMING)" "Yöu wanna mess with me?" "Yöu want a piece of this?" " Say hello to my little sippy cup, baby!" " (TIRES SQUEAL)" "Hey!" "Well, how'd yöu like that, huh?" "OFFICER:" "Looks like..." "I don't know." "Sippy cups." "Hey!" "That's my van!" "That's my stolen van!" "Hey!" "Hey!" " What in..." " Get the van!" "Ma'am, get back in the vehicle!" "Van!" "Yes, get it!" " (TIRES SQUEAL)" " Get us off this crazy train!" " Everybody just hold on!" " (OTHERS SCREAMING)" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "(SIREN CONTINUES)" "(SCREAMING)" "I don't wanna die!" " (HORNS HONKING) - (SCREAMING)" "(PANTING)" "Are yöu okay?" "Is everybody okay?" "Oh, that's gonna swell." "(SIRENS CONTINUE)" "(PANTING, CHUCKLES)" "No, no." "Why are yöu still following?" "Why are yöu still following?" "Why are yöu still following me?" "Good evening, Officer." "Driver!" "Put yöur hands out the window." "But..." "Now, exit the vehicle slowly." "MARCO:" "Uh..." "Did yöu get that biker back there?" "Stay where yöu are, sir." "Sir, stop where yöu are." "Now back up three paces." "Turn around, face the light." "No, the other light." "Turn around!" "Toward the light." " The light." "That light?" " That light." "Yes." "Down on yöur knees, now!" "Down on yöur knees!" " Sir?" " Hands behind yöur head." "Stay there." " Sir, is this yöur vehicle?" " No, sir." "It's..." " Stay right here!" " Okay!" " Have yöu been drinking?" " No, sir!" "Is there someone else in this vehicle?" "Yes." "Stay where yöu are." "CHILD:" "Uh..oh." " (SQUEALS)" " Hello!" "What in the..." "Sir, is this yöur vehicle?" " No!" " No, sir!" "Thank yöu, my dear." " Is this yöur daddy?" " BRANDON:" "No, sir." "Is that yöur daddy?" "(GIGGLES) No, sir!" "Who's yöur daddy?" "BRANDON: (LAUGHING) He's in the hospital." "OFFICER:" "What's going on here?" "He's taking us to his house, but I don't want to go!" "Yöu don't want to go?" "That's very bad." "What else should I know?" "He killed Mama." "He what?" "Okay, no." "I can explain." "Mama's the name of the parakeet..." "Down on yöur knees now!" "Down on yöur knees!" "No, don't!" "Don't shoot, no!" "Face down, face down!" "Right now." "No, no." "Dispatch, I need backup." "Send units now!" " I'm down!" "I'm down!" "I'm down!" " I need more units." "Backup now." "Guess what, kids?" "We're all going to jail." " We are going to jail!" " (INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "Aw, man, I hate jail!" "(CRYING) Izzy's gonna kill me!" "Don't move!" "We got a felon!" "Ow." "Ow." "SONDRA:" "Okay." "All right!" "I'm sorry." "What happened?" "I'm sorry about the flight mechanism, ladies." "I kinda lose it when I see those flashing lights." "I have a checkered past." "Okay, what about my van?" "Well, it's quite a mess up there." "I got as close as I could." "Um, they're hauling the criminals off now." "Seems it was stolen by a mentally unstable man with some kids and a parakeet." "Marco?" "What?" "Why does Marco have my van?" " Where are my kids?" " It's okay." "What if they're in jail?" "I don't think they can book a baby." "I may be wrong, but I don't think they can." "(♪♪♪)" "BRIDGET:" "Go, go, go, go, go!" "(GASPS)" "I knew it!" "She took her daddy's car." "I told Zoe that if she went to that rave, she was gonna learn the hard way." "Oh, her daddy is gonna kill her when he finds out she's in the clink." ""Clink"?" "Really?" "Can yöu please move?" "I'm sorry." "Come on!" "Hey, I think yöu could probably just leave." " Oh, no, darlin'." " No?" "No, no." "I'm totally committed to this thing." "I wanna see how it ends." "Yeah." "Are yöu taking my children?" "SONDRA:" "Do yöu have my daughter?" "BRIDGET:" "I need to file a missing person's report." "ALLYSON:" "Did yöu have my van come in here?" "IZZY:" "I will find whatever foster care yöu take my children to." "She's just going through a phase." "Wait, wait, wait." "Hold on a second!" "Ma'am, just wait a second." "Hold on, and just one at a time..." "Do not tell me to hold on." "I have a missing child." "No." "What she's trying to say is that..." "Ally, stop, okay?" "Nothing yöu've done tonight has helped in any way." "So just stop trying to fix things, okay?" "This is what happens when yöu take away people's cell phones!" " Do yöu have my daughter?" " (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)" "Ma'am, what is yöur daughter's name?" "Oh!" "I knew it." "I knew this was gonna happen." "This is God punishing me for the Woodstock Reunion." "Woodstock Reunion!" "Yöu were in the caravan." "I never forget a face." "Sarah?" "Sandy?" " Sondra?" " Sondra!" "I love yöur tattoo." "(PANTS)" " (WHIMPERS) - (DOOR BUZZES)" "Come on, ladies." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Yöu cannot go... (QUIETLY) Think they gonna try to go in." "I don't think they want me in there right now." "All I really want to do right now is call Sean and the kids." "There's a phone over there by the metal detector." "SEAN:" "Did anyone come in here tonight that wasn't supposed to be in here?" "No." "Man, I don't know." "I don't think of asking them those kind of questions, but I think yöu're on to something 'cause I should inquire more of our patrons." "What about this?" "What about, um..." "Does the word "Bones" mean anything to yöu?" " It does." " Okay." "What does it mean?" " A person." " Is it a person?" "Is it a person?" " It is." " It's a person." " Could it be the manager?" " Is Bones a manager here?" "Yöu are correct." "Yöu're good at this one, bro." "Keep him." "Do yöu know where they went?" "Which direction they went?" "No, but I did see them leave." "Where did they go?" "To the right." "Out, and to the right." "No destination?" "They didn't say where they were going?" " Well, I think the right is east." " (CELL PHONE RINGING)" " Ask him..." " Okay, okay, okay." " ALLYSON:" "Sean?" " (EXHALES) Oh." "Hon?" "Where are yöu?" "We're fine." "We're fine." "We're at the, um, tattoo parlor." " What?" " Yeah, the tattoo..." "It's a maze back there!" "Officer, do yöu know how an experience like this can scar a teenager?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Calm down for a second." " Back up!" "Just hold on a second." " She's not a hardened criminal." " Yöu're in my space..." "Hey!" "Whoa!" " (OTHERS TALKING)" "Quiet, quiet!" "Shut up!" "It's Caprice!" " Hello." " Sir, we got a situation up here." "Oh, Sean, this has been the worst night ever." "I honestly don't know how it could get any worse." "SEAN:" "All right." "Yeah, all right." "Don't move." "Where are yöu?" "Don't freak out." "Some police station..." " (GROANS)" " With the police?" "Okay, okay." "We're coming." "We got them." " We gotta go." "Yeah." " Yöu found them?" "Okay, let's do this." "Hey, big guy." "Thanks very much." "Okay." "Wait, so are the police coming or not?" " Phoenix is where?" "I can't..." " OFFICER:" "Sir, we got some unstable women up here." "(SEVERAL TALKING AT ONCE)" "No, no, no, no, no, no, I hate yöu so much, I can't..." "I'm just gonna kill somebody!" "This is not..." "Is that a Taser?" "I will tase yöu." "Yöu cannot do this." "Stand down!" "I will tase yöu, woman!" "How dare yöu?" "My husband is the pastor at First..." "Sir, they just came in here and started to..." " (CRACKLING) - (QUIET GRUNTING)" "(THUD)" "(TURNS OFF TASER)" "That was an accident." "(GASPS)" "(♪♪♪)" "(MUFFLED LISPING) I can't feel my face." "Is this a nightmare?" "My face has no feeling." "Oh." "Bridget." "We are gonna find yöur baby." "He is safe." "He is in the palm of God's hand." "And yöu know what?" "I don't judge yöu." "I don't." "I love yöu, and yöu know what?" "God loves yöu." "Sondra, maybe yöu should just rest." "(MOUTHING)" "Ma'am, the kids are all fine." "Just wait." "(SIGHS) I had tonight playing out differently in my mind." "Have a donut, Kevin." "I want my lawyer." "BRIDGET:" "All I heard Caprice say was that Phoenix was fine." "But she didn't say where and then my phone died." "(KNOCKING)" "Yöu, ladies." "Front and center." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello, ladies, I'm Sergeant Murphy." "We've been filling out an awful lot of paperwork trying to unravel this mess." "But for now, I would like for us to do one thing." "Stay calm." "Can yöu do that for me?" "I'm calm." "I feel very calm." "Can yöu do that?" "Can yöu be calm?" "I'm so happy." "Well, yöu have a visitor." "Mom!" "Zoe!" "Why are yöu in jail?" "I'm not!" "Yöu are." "I've been in the back filling out this missing person's report." "Yöu're alive!" "I am so glad that yöu're alive!" "I called the restaurant and they said that yöur car had been stolen." "And so, I called Dad, and he's with Sean and he told me that yöu guys were in trouble." "So I got so freaked out that I drove over here in his car, which was awesome!" "But I'm so sorry." "So yöu didn't go out with Steve." "What?" "No!" "Ew." "He's a total player, yöu were right." "Facebook, I'm his number three." "(SIGHS)" "Oh, Zoe." "Go ahead and say it." "Yöu were right." "I'm a pastor's daughter, I should be perfect!" "No!" "Honey, that is not it at all!" "Oh." "I love yöu, and I'm so proud of yöu." "I just don't want yöu to go through the pain of making the same mistakes that I did." "I was wild, Zoe." "I was a wild child, and there is something yöu should know about me." "I have a tattoo." "(SONDRA SNIFFLING)" "Is that a face?" "It's Donny Osmond." "It was a mad crush and..." "Well, I was gonna get it removed, but it kinda started looking like yöur dad, so..." "I'm never..." "I'm never getting a tattoo." "Oh, thank yöu, Jesus." "Thank yöu, Donny." "(♪♪♪)" "All my friends are in jail, Bones." "Well, I know how that feels." "I'm a failure." "I have failed again." "That's all I do." "I had a plan." "I was gonna help myself and help my friends unplug and have fun, and then Bridget happened, so then" "I thought I could fix that, too, and instead..." "I can't." "I can't get in front of it." "No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, I'm just..." "I'm not enough." "For who?" "What?" "Not enough for who?" "I mean, Sean, the kids, for my mother, God, everybody." "I don't know." "Yöu?" "Not enough for yöu?" "(SIGHS)" "(SIGHS)" "I was raised in church." "This might surprise yöu, but I have since drifted from the faith." "Shocker." "My mama worked three jobs." "I never met my daddy." "I had to get up early and walk to school, but I'd wait up for her coming home from the diner." "I'd wait up every night." "'Cause she'd come home and she'd put me to bed and she'd tell me something." "She'd tell me the same thing every night." ""He loves yöu, Charles." ""No matter who yöu are, no matter what yöu do, or how far yöu run," ""Jesus will always be loving yöu with his arms open wide," ""just for being yöu."" "And I'd smile and go off to sleep." "Yöu know, I saw something on Pinterest the other day." "It was an eagle." "Just caring for its yöung." "It's a beautiful thing to watch one of God's creations just doing what He made it to do." "Just being an eagle." "And that's enough." "Yöu all spend so much time beating yöurselves up." "Must be exhausting." "Let me tell yöu something, girl." "I doubt the Good Lord made a mistake giving yöur kiddos the mama He did." "So yöu just be yöu." "He'll take care of the rest." "(SNIFFLING)" "(SIGHS)" "That was really profound, Bones." "What?" " What'd I say?" "Something good?" " (LAUGHS)" " Pinterest, really?" " (CHUCKLES)" "Yeah, I don't go on it much anymore." " Everybody's tats are better than mine." " (LAUGHING)" "Another visitor." " Ally, get me outta here." " Yes." "I just cleared up the misunderstanding with the van." "Just saw Marco and all the kids." " Yöur kids, too?" " Yes." "Everybody's fine." "Don't ask." "Here's yöur stuff." "They're all in the interrogation room." "MURPHY:" "Only because the kids wouldn't stop playing with the fingerprint equipment." "So, um, can yöu take my van and watch my kids for a few hours?" "Sure." "Why?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Follow me." "Hey, Bridge." "I bet yöu think I'm an awful person, right?" "Worst mother ever." " Yeah, I know how that feels." " (LAUGHS)" "Yeah, but yöu have it all figured out, right?" "Not even a little bit." "I'm really sorry that I dragged yöu into all this, and I'm..." "I'm sorry that I ruined yöur night." "Okay, first of all, yöu did not ruin anything." "And secondly, Bridge, this mom thing is crazy hard." "And yöu're doing an amazing job." "Really?" "Yes." "Yes, so come on!" "We got a baby to find." "Let's go, girl!" "Come on!" "(SIGHS)" "Sondra!" "Are yöu okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Now where are we going?" "Well, we're going back to Caprice's, but don't worry, I got this." "No, I'm gonna come." "I'm just a little stress-paralyzed." " I knew that was a thing." " Yeah." "I'll be right behind yöu, just give me a minute." "Oh, good." "He's still here." "Come on." " (POUNDING ON CAR)" " Hey!" "Aah!" "I'm sorry, referee!" "Whew!" " Yeah." "Yöu okay?" " Yeah." "Okay." "Yeah." "Back to Caprice's, yeah?" " (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)" " I know that yöu're in there!" "Is Phoenix with yöu?" "Is that a wrestling show?" "All I hear is anger and rage." "I don't know." "(CRICKETS CHIRPING)" "(VEHICLE APPROACHING)" " Do yöu have any other ideas?" " (CAR DOOR CLOSES)" "Nope." "HANK:" "Hey, thanks for the ride." "Wait!" "There's the deadbeat!" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "Hank!" "Lady, I don't know!" "I told yöu, I don't know!" "I haven't seen her!" "I haven't seen her!" "Get back here!" "Bridget, come on!" "(GRUNTING)" "I have pepper spray and I am not afraid to use it!" " Calm down!" " I'm sure yöur baby's fine!" " No, no!" "Bridget!" "Bridget!" " Calm down." " (SPRAYING)" " Wait, he's getting away!" "(SCREAMS) Oh, no!" " Joey?" " (WHIMPERING) It burns!" "Joey, what are yöu doing here?" "He's getting away!" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "Yöu're crazy!" "Yöu're crazy!" "Let's have some!" "(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)" "(GROANS)" "(GROANING)" "Oh, that is gonna bring tears to his eyes." "I'm trying to look for Phoenix!" "ALLYSON:" "Does he know where Phoenix is?" "Uh, well, he's not exactly conscious." "What?" "If yöu know what I mean." "(GROANING)" "After yöur big date, yöu decided to come and help me!" "What?" "No!" "After my interview!" "I'm trying to get a job, man!" "Yöu're trying to..." "A job?" "(ENGINES RUMBLING)" "What is that?" "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "(SIRENS CHIRP)" "(ENGINE REVS)" " ALLYSON:" "Sondra?" " Ally." "I told Ray everything that happened and, well, he made some calls." "Hey, look." "Don't freak out." "Half these guys are from First Baptist Church." "The other half are from the, uh, biker gang known as..." "The Skulls." "The biker gang known as the Skulls." "But we're all here for the same reason." "We love yöu, Bridget." "We love yöur family, we always have." "BONES:" "That's right." "(INDISTINCT RADIO TRANSMISSION)" "Hey, hon." "Hi." "Yöu okay?" " BONES:" "We got a baby to find." " (CROWD CHEERING)" "MURPHY:" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "First things first." "We need to establish a 12-block perimeter." " Y'all here are looking for a baby?" " ALLYSON:" "Yes." "Yeah, my son." "Ten months old?" " Dressed like Bono?" "What?" " What?" "The name Caprice mean anything to yöu?" "ALL:" "Yes!" "That's the person that was supposed to be taking care of him." "Why?" "Y'all come with me." "Come on in." "Honey, look who I found." "Yöu must be the mama." "Oh." "He just woke up." "It's been a long time since I've held a baby." "Oh, so precious." " (SNIFFLES) - (CHUCKLES)" "Oh, that's him." "Oh, God." "Oh." " (THUMPS)" " MURPHY:" "Yöu're not even from this country." "How would yöu know how to get around this?" "CABBIE:" "Well, there's no need to get personal." "I'm just trying to help." "I'm not getting personal." "I'm just..." "RAY:" "Yöu can't go that way." "(INDISTINCT ARGUING)" " Yes!" "Yes!" " Yeah." "Oh!" "We found him!" "(CHEERING)" "Yeah!" " Call off the chopper." " (CROWD GROANING)" " What?" " Oh." "Guys!" "We just found a baby!" "(CHEERING)" "MURPHY:" "All right, wrap this puppy up." "Let's get out of here." "Wait, hang on. (STAMMERING) Where are my babies?" "They're at yöur house with Kevin." "With Kevin?" "ALLYSON:" "This is me trying really hard not to have a panic attack." "Kids, this is a knife." "Who wants to hold it?" "Sean!" "(♪♪♪)" "(TIRES SQUEAL)" "IZZY:" "I don't know what the big deal is." "Because he's a man boy, Izzy!" "I..." "Shh." "Allyson." "Kevin." "This is such a good book." "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "(ALLYSON READING)" "That would be false." "In truth, my life hasn't changed much at all." "I have." "Breakfast in bed!" "Boom!" "Wow, thank yöu!" "ALLYSON:" "True, I'm not smiling all the time." "But I am smiling more." "Smiling at the little things." "At my crazy, stressful, over-the-top, kind of beautiful life." "False, I am a failure." "Yes." "Very, very false." ""False."" "I'm not perfect." "I make plenty of mistakes." "But I am right where God wants me to be and He has given me everything I need to be a mom." "I'm a mess." "But I'm a beautiful mess." "I'm His masterpiece." "And that's enough." "(LAUGHS)" "(BOWLING PINS CRASHING)" "I love yöu the most of everybody." "I love yöu." "Mwah." "Gotta go bowl." "Okay, baby." "Hey, hon." "Yöu have 235 followers." " Seriously?" " Yeah." " I have a blog." " Yes, yöu do." "I am a mommy blogger." "Yes, yöu are." "(CHUCKLES)" "Wow." "Hon, yöur job..." "Is hard." "Yes, I know." "That's what yöu were gonna say, right?" "No." "Uh, or easy, easy, maybe?" "Or unnecessary?" "Sorry for interrupting." "Just, what?" "Important." "That's what I was gonna say." "Yöur job is important." "I mean, I know it's rough, but, I mean, look at them." "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "So worth it." "(SIGHS)" ""The hand that rocks the cradle" ""is the hand that rules the world."" "Where did yöu read that?" "Some blog somewhere." "(♪♪♪)" "(♪♪♪)" "Guys." "No, hey!" "Guys, that's gross." "Don't do that in here." "Yöu're really way too old." "Guys." "Stop it!" "Stop it right now." "What?" "(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)" "DJ:" "Dance Cam!" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)" "(WHOOPING)" "CROWD: (CHANTING) Dance, dance, dance... (WHOOPING)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(LAUGHS)" "(CHEERING CONTINUES)" "Go, baby!" "(WHOOPING)" ""Hope You've Liked  Enjoyed The Movie"" "(♪♪♪)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(♪♪♪)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(♪♪♪)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(♪♪♪)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "Come on, eat yöur breakfast." "Eat it." "One bite won't kill yöu." "One bite." "Okay." "All right, here we go." "Here we go." "Oh, that burns." "That's so hot!" "That's a lot of pepper." "What are yöu doing?" "Playing hide and go seek." "(SHOUTING) That was 15 minutes ago!" "They still haven't found me." "Yöu know what?" "I babysat my cousin's kids once." "We just popped in a movie and that did it for a few hours." " What'd yöu show them?" " Silence of the Lambs." "(SIGHS)" "TATTOO DESK GUY:" "Oh, yeah, the big church." "We'd love to have yöu visit us one Sunday. 11:00 a.m." " Really?" " Yeah." "Dude, that'd be awesome." "Hey, and yöu can visit that chair over there and get a tattoo." "That's something to consider." "I think so, man." "(ENGINE STARTS)" "ALLYSON:" "Got it?" " CABBIE:" "Geronimo!" " ALLYSON:" "Yes!" "(CHUCKLES)" "I hate this car." "MARCO:" "Yöu know, like, I feel like I'm totally built for this." "Yöu know, like, all we need to do so that we can totally do this." "I'm built for two." "I can handle two." "I'm pregnant." "(♪♪♪)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(♪♪♪)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(♪♪♪)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "ALLYSON:" "Oh, hi." "Sorry." "Thank yöu." "Tonight has been..." "Oh, yeah." "It was profound." "Yöu owe me all kinds of money." "Uh..huh." "Yes, I do." "No, no, go, go, yöu guys." "I got this." "What are we talking about here?" "Uh, right." "What are we talking about?" "Let's see." "Uh, tire..." "Actually, two tires, police station." "So that'll be $984.50, please." "Is that dollars?" "No, Chinese yen." "Of course it's dollars." "(♪♪♪)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(SEAN MUTTERING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "(MUTTERING STOPS)" "Hey." "Yöu are so hot right now." "I know, it's disgusting." "I gotta take a shower." " ALLYSON:" "Yep." " Oh." "SEAN:" "Really?" "That's great." "That's what does it for yöu?" "(ALLYSON GIGGLES)" " (SEAN GROANS)" " What, what, what, what, what?" "It's all right." "No, no." "It's okay." " What'd I do?" "What'd I do, honey?" " Oh, gosh, it hurts." "No." "It's just my shoulder." "It's okay." " It's okay." "It's okay." " Okay." "Okay." " SEAN: 'Kay, don't move." "Okay." " ALLYSON:" "Okay." " Okay, move a little." " What are yöu doing?" "Uh, just giving Daddy a little cuddle." "Little cuddle." "Morning, baby." "Yöu all right?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "It's okay." "It's been happening." " Okay." "Okay." " Hold on." "Check this out." "What're yöu gonna do?" "Don't be scared. (SCREAMS)" "(SEAN GROANS)" "Love it!" " What?" " (WHOOPS)" "But then it's good."