"In the land of Sparta, when babies were born  the elders would inspect them for defects." "Are you my mama?" "Because I'm ready to suckle a teat." "If any imperfections were found, the baby was rejected." "And if the baby was Vietnamese  Brangelina had first dibs." "Cute, huh?" "Behold Leonidas  the perfect Spartan." "From an early age, Leonidas was taught to fight." "Come on, you little shit." "You can't beat me." " You're never gonna be a Spartan, never." " Take this, Granny!" "He was tortured, taught to show no pain." "Tell me, Mr. Bond, what is the account number?" "Who the hell is Mr. Bond?" "I'm Leonidas." " You're testing my patience, double-0." " But I am not double-0!" "Little Miss Sunshine!" "Here's a nice one." "That's right." "Yeah." "Mr. Bond, I'd like you to meet Captain Adorable." "Good boy." "Good boy." "Who's a good boy?" "Leonidas was sent into the wild to learn how to survive." "He braved the elements  endured starvation." "No mayo?" "This is bullshit!" "The beast stalks Leonidas  red eyes glowing like the fires of hell." "Man, you've got happy feet." "What you laughing at, asswipe?" "I'm about to shove my happy foot up your ass, cracker." " Nice penguin." " Where you going, pussy?" "I'm about to make you my bitch, Leonidas." "Lick my snowballs." "Now eat my penguin asshole." "That Taco Bell ain't sitting right!" " It smells!" " Caught you with your mouth open." "You dead, Leonidas!" "Say "what's up" to Anna Nicole for me." "Shit, I'm stuck!" "You got a penguin pinned down." "Help, help!" "Oh, my ass!" "My ass hurt!" "Why you wanna do me like that?" "Come on, man." "I could hook you up." "We could work it out." "I'll suck your dick..." "And the boy that was cast into the wild  returned a king." "Boobs." "Sign my rack?" " And they're real too." " Yes!" "Marry me?" " Well, what's that?" " The combination to my chastity belt." "Leonidas was stoked." "He wed Margo and she bore him a fine son." "And life in the land of Sparta was good." " Yes, yes!" "Good!" " Thanks, Dad." "Give me your hand." "Remember, son, a warrior must learn to take a hit." "Fight with your head, think with your heart." "Give him the pile driver, honey." "Pile driver?" "That's my boy." "My queen." " No!" " Captain." "I see Leonidas is molding our future king of Sparta to be a man." "I remember when my father used to beat me." "Traditional rites of passage." "No, my father was an alcoholic." "Xerxes' messenger awaits, my king." " Greetings, Leonidas." " Greetings, messenger." " What the hell was that?" " What?" "You just kissed me!" "That is how men of Sparta greet one another." "High-fives for the women and open-mouth tongue kisses for the men." " Oh, I get it." " Get what?" " You have a "free society" here." " Yes." "The freest!" "Not that there's anything wrong with that." " I dig big black dudes." " Yeah." "Come, messenger." "Let us walk." "The great Xerxes has taken over the world with his vast Persian army and has set his sights on his final conquest, Sparta." " Let us talk by the giant pit of death." " Okay." "Xerxes is a kind god-king and offers these peaceful alternatives to war." "No blood will be shed, as long as you Spartan men build his pyramids and your women become his sex slaves and your children work at sweatshops making Nikes." "That sounds reasonable." "I'm sure you would think so, Councilman Traitoro." "Tell Xerxes to take his proposal and shove it!" "What the hell?" "!" " What?" "He came on to me." " I did not." "Dog, your wife's a ho." "This means war!" "It's cool, it's cool." "We got San Francisco and West Hollywood, we don't need Sparta." "I'll just tell Xerxes it's a no-go." "Kick his ass in." "This is madness!" "Madness?" "This is Sparta!" "Why did you do that?" "He was backing down." "My lord, he will tell Xerxes that Sparta is not for them so don't kick him into the pit of death." "Stop kicking people into the pit of death, really." "I don't know why y'all have to always get on my back for everything." "I'm a responsible adult." "Look at me, I'm booby-feeding my baby." "Sometimes I give him fried milk." "I call them milk poppers." "It's just like breast milk, but it's fried." "He loves them." "Don't you, baby?" "I'm a smart shopper." "I got this entire outfit in an alley from a Mexico woman." "Bargain shopping, yeah" "Why y'all think I'm messed up?" "Shit, do I look crazy to you?" "Damn, coz, there goes my palimony." "K-Fed ain't having' it, yo!" "K-Fed, come back to me please!" "Please!" "I'll let you under my skirt." "There goes K-Fed's cheddar, yo." "I'm not gay, yeah" " Leonidas." " Ryan Seacrest?" "How did you feel about that kick?" "Let's see what the judges have to say." "Randy?" "Yo, Leo, dog, man, I wasn't really feeling you on that kick, dog." "I don't know what happened." "It was just all right for me, dog." "I mean..." " Just all right, dog." " Paula?" "Leonidas..." "You move me." " Simon?" " I thought the kick was utterly dreadful." " Simon." " In fact, I've seen better kicks from a geriatric donkey, and I'm not talking about you, Paula." "I am sorry, king, but your journey ends here." " Oh, go f* * * yourselves!" " What are you...?" "Seacrest out!" "Excellent work, my king." "It's time to consult with the prophets." "The ancient prophets were advisors to the king." "Grotesque swine, their consult came with a bribe." "Oxy 10." "Neutrogena." "This has an SPF." "This is all-day protection." "Look at this." "Exfoliator with alpha-hydroxy." "This is good for you." "Rub it all over your disgusting face." "What need you, King Leonidas?" "Ancient prophets, I need your guidance." "I'm assembling an army of 300 to go to war with Persia." "I'm going to take them in the rear." "Here." "Here." "And then I'm gonna reach around and I'm gonna take them again from the front!" "What?" "Why are you sniggering?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "What's so damn funny?" "Look, it's all there for you to see." " These are battle formations." " That's what he calls them." "It looks like backstage at an Elton John concert." "Cut it out!" "This isn't funny, this is serious business." "No Spartan goes to war without first consulting the oracle." "The prophets chose only the most beautiful of Spartan girls  to be their oracle." " Ugly Betty?" " She has a great personality." "I look like Jabba the Hutt." "That is hot to me." "For shizzle, my nizzle." "Save the cheerleader, save the world." "Actually, I'm not into Heroes." " Douchebag says "what."" " What?" " Chest waxer says "what."" " What?" "He walked into that one." "What are you saying?" "I don't understand." "Go to war with Persia and you will surely die." "You're screwed, dude." "What?" "!" "He looks like a Ken doll." "It's cold!" ""Tommy Lee"?" "Why is my king so restless?" "I can't sleep." "It's this whole "Battle of Thermopylae" thing." "Are you still thinking about what that young oracle said?" "There's only one woman whose words you should listen to." " Oprah." " Your wife." "Right, right." "How will I be tried in the court of public opinion?" "Well, Harry Knowles at Ain't It Cool News says this movie is just a cheap rip-off of 300." "Even if the oracle doesn't support you, I do." "And Sparta does." "This could be our last night together." " You wanna do it?" " Like we've never done it before." "Ninety-seven!" "Ninety-eight!" "Ninety-nine!" "One hundred!" "Beat my record!" " Captain." " My king." "Have you assembled my army who will fight to the death for the freedom of Sparta?" "Yes, king." "I wanted 300." "This seems like less." "These were the only men who met with your stringent specifications." ""Hunky with deep Mediterranean tans hot bods and..."" " Yes?" " "Well-endowed."" "Ready to fight for you, my king." "Never give up!" "Never surrender!" "To infinity and beyond!" "He has a lot of heart, my king." "And nice man boobs." "Indeed." "These men will do." "You are a fine captain, captain." " But a better friend, there is none." " Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Damn!" "He's got a huge package." "I brought you some fudge." " Mom said that you like to pack it." " She's a good woman." "Goodbye, Father." "Farewell, my son." " Introductions?" " King Leonidas, this is my son, Sonio." " My king." " Why is he not fighting?" "He is not a warrior." "And he's my only son, destined to carry on my name." "What do you think?" "Yummy." "Work it, sister." "I think he's fierce." "And if you don't like it, you can kiss my fat ass!" "Congratulations, Sonio." "You're now on your way to becoming Sparta's next top warrior." "Spartan." "My child I shall never forget you." "You are so small now but one day you will grow to be big and strong, like your father." "That's not your son." "You asshole." "Take care of your mother." "Stay tough, son." "Come back with your shield, or on it." "And if I come back on it, I want you to move on." "I would never." "Hell, if you died, I'd play the field." "To be honest I've always wanted to do a fat chick." "The men are ready, my king." "Good." "We'll head south to the Hot Gates and intercept the Persian army." " Where are you going?" " The oracle said not to go to war." "The oracle also said that our painted-on abs look fake but I beg to differ." "Give the order, captain." "Spartans!" "In formation!" "Move out!" "The fearless Spartans reached the Hot Gates  where danger lurked around every corner." "Halt skipping!" "Exhausted from the journey, the Spartans replenished their electrolytes." "Gatorade." "Is it in you?" "What do you think, my king?" "We'll use the narrow passageway of the Hot Gates to funnel the Persians in where their vast numbers won't count for shit." "Captain, have the men found any other trails that the Persians could use to attack us?" "None, sir." "I know such a road, my king." "Back off, hideous creature." "There's a secret goat path above the Hot Gates." "If the Persians found it, they could outflank you." "Slow your roll, captain." "Reveal yourself, creature." " Paris Hilton?" " Hey, fellas." "What happened to you?" "Oh, you mean the hump?" "Yeah, the hump." "It was all that, "You're going to jail, now you can get out of jail." "Now you're going back to jail." And on and on and on and on." "It's just been really confusing." "I mean, even Tinkerbell's affected by it." "She hasn't moved since Saturday." "But she still poops, which is weird." "And me." "They've turned me into this, like, totally grotesque monster." "And I don't even know what..." "Hang on a minute." "Hello?" "Oh, hey, Nicole." "Nothing, just some guys with swords." "No, I'm talking about actual swords, Nicole." "You're gross." "Yeah, I'm hungry." "Did you eat?" "Oh, you ate an almond?" "Oh, yeah, you're done eating for the day." "And then let's go to Pinkberry." "Bye, sexy." "Look, it's my dream to be a Spartan." "I wanna fight for you, for my king." " What can you do?" " Well..." "Have you seen my video?" "I don't like the way you handle a spear." "You grip the shaft firmly, then with one hand on the base you slide the other all the way up to the tip." "That's hot." "I'm sorry, but we cannot use you." "No!" "It's not fair!" "Mom!" "You'll be sorry." "You're making a terrible mistake." "I'm not as stupid as I look!" "Help!" "Look, Persians!" "I am the emissary to the great god-king Xerxes..." "Oh, we're not here to surrender." "Xerxes will enjoy making you his slaves." " Spartans!" " Yeah!" "Let's battle!" "Oh, we about to stomp the yard." "We are the Spartans" "We stomp the yard" "Check out our buns" "They are rock-hard!" "Spartans!" "Persians!" "Let's show them why we're national champs three years running." "You dig?" "Oh, come on." "We like wearing turbans and eating baklava" "We like chicks with burkas that cover their ta-tas!" "Persians!" " What?" " You're joking, right?" "Man, come on." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Don't come up in my kitchen with that weak-ass shit." "You got served." " You telling me we lost?" " Dance them to the cliffs." "No mercy!" "Come on, can we talk about this?" "I just met these dudes." "I don't know them." "Keep dancing, boys!" "Last one in is a rotten egg." "Cannonball!" "Marco..." "Polo!" "We may have won the battle, but they will win the war." "What?" "Buttmeister presents real men of genius." "Real men of genius" "Today we salute you, Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual." "Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual" "Wearing only leather underwear and a cape  you charge your enemy like an oiled-up hairless wonder." "Spray-on tan" "Sure, there's danger." "Charging rhinos, stampeding elephants  and that cute toga-wearing guy named Chad." "You only went out on one date, but you'll remember it forever." "Take your daily Valtrex" "Your keen instincts tell you to cut, slice and chop every man you see." "But enough about your career as a hair stylist, let's talk war." "The curling iron is hot" "So this Butt's for you, King Leonidas  because when the going gets tough, the tough go antiquing." "Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual" "Queen Margo, we must speak." "Loyalist, what do you want?" "Nice tomatoes." "Your husband needs you." "You must convince the council to send more troops to support your husband." "My husband is dead." "He told me to move on." "Besides, I'm already registered on JDate." "A little to the right." "That's it." "If Leonidas fails, Xerxes will take over and you will be stripped of your crown." "I won't be queen?" " That's too hard." " You will lose everything." " Stop." " Your palace." "Your Mercedes." " Your Nintendo Wii." " No, no, no." "Your vaginal regeneration surgeon." "Your gardener." "Antonio?" "My husband needs me." "I'll do whatever it takes." "I will set the meeting with the council." "But in order to win their vote, you will need to get Traitoro's support." "He holds great influence with the council." "There better be a happy ending." "King Leonidas." "Xerxes approaches." "Xerxes." "He looked a lot like that fat guy from Borat." "I am the great god-king Xerxes." "Not again." "That always happens." "Damn!" " I'm sorry, Xerxes." " It's cool." "It's cool." "I'm fine." "I meant to do that." "Oh, shit!" "Kid, you got balls." "I come over here with a big army." "We're going to shish-kebab your ass." "Before this battle is over people will know that even a god-king can fall." "Listen, Leo, I came here to talk." "Just listen to my deal." " Ladies?" " Hi, Xerxes." "That's probably for me." "Hello." "Really?" "Okay." "That was the banker." "He's offering to buy back your briefcase for a weekend getaway for two in Las Vegas, Nevada, at the Palms Hotel and Casino!" " I've always wanted to go there!" " All you have to do is bow down to me and surrender Sparta." "Deal... or no deal?" " Take the deal!" "Take the deal!" " Take the deal!" "Do you think I should?" "No!" "Take the deal!" "Take the deal!" " What about Sparta?" " Hit the button!" " Take the deal!" "Take it!" " Take it!" "Take it!" "Take the deal!" "Hit the button!" "Take it." "No deal!" "Oh, great!" "By the time I'm finished with you, Sparta will be annihilated." "It will be as though you never existed." "I will see to it that you are written out of the history books." "Well, that's fine by me, Xerxes because I can't read." "Xerxes didn 't take rejection well." "From every corner of his empire, he sent his most vicious warriors to fight." "Your mama's so ghetto, when she breast-feeds, Kool-Aid comes out." " Yo, baby, that felt so bad." " You got it." "Take him." "Your mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday." " Get her, Dilio." " Your mama's so fat her pants size is:" ""Bitch, lose some weight!"" "Your mama's so butch, Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't even date her." "No, you didn't!" "No, you didn't!" "No, he didn't!" "Well, your mama's titties is smaller than yours." "Got some D's on that bitch." "Your mama's so fat, Sir Mix-A-Lot decided he doesn't like big butts." "And he ain't lying!" "Kiss that." "Oh, my eyes!" " Walk it off." " How you like that, huh?" "Yo, your mama's so fat that when she farts AI Gore accuses her of global warming, dog." "Yes, well, that may be the case, but your mama's so hairy the only language she speaks is Wookiee!" " And that's it!" " Well, your..." "Your mama..." "Goodbye." "Back to the line." "Xerxes watched as his warriors were defeated." "It sent an all-too-human chill up his spine." "Or perhaps that was the Dentyne Ice with cool mint crystals." "The Loyalist said you wanted to see me." "That's my urine sample." " Tastes like asparagus." " Leonidas needs more troops." "Without reinforcements, Sparta will fall and..." "I'll do anything for my husband." "Anything?" "Awesome!" "I'm so getting laid." "Goodbye, virginity." "I promise you, you're not going to enjoy this but I suffer from premature ejac..." "That's okay." "I have crabs." "Betray your beloved Spartans..." "Nice." "...and I will give you anything you desire." " That's hot." " Bow down to me." "Bow down to the great god-king Xerxes." "I'm a Hilton." "I don't bow." "But I do bend over." " Good." " There's a secret path into the Hot Gates." "You could totally use it to defeat Leonidas." "And what do you desire?" "I want my record expunged." "Oh, and I want that new Chanel purse." "Thank you." "I want throwing up to be fun." "You got something to say, say it." "I got things to do." "What was it?" "I can't re..." "Oh, God, jeez, yeah." "I wanna get this hump removed." "Would you please just do it." "It's really heavy and really hard to keep clean." "Done." "As long as Xerxes doesn't find the secret path to the Hot Gates their vast numbers won't count for shit." "My king!" "Catch your breath." "Vanilla Blended." "What is it, boy?" "Xerxes found the secret path to the Hot Gates." "Shit!" " Damn that Paris Hilton!" " I hate her." "He's deployed thousands of Persian soldiers that'll be here any minute." "Dilio." "How bad are your injuries?" "Oh, it's..." "It's just a scratch, my king." " You've got no eyes." " The gods blessed me with a spare." "No, they haven't." "You just had the two." "Jeremy has the spare." "I can still fight!" "Dilio!" "Dilio!" "Dilio!" "Dilio, walk with me." "No, no, no." "Your fate is the most important." "You must go back to Sparta and tell of our tale." "Yes, my king." "Any message for the queen?" "None that need be said." "Now go, Dilio." "Tell how 13 Spartans fought for honor for glory, for freedom!" "Good luck, Dilio." "Spartans!" "This is your final chance." "Bow down to me or you will die." "I bow for no man!" " Take a knee." " No!" " Curtsy." " Enough!" " Well, your sandal is untied." " Oh, thanks very much." " See?" "Was that that difficult?" " No, wait, no!" "No, I wasn't bowing!" "I wasn't bowing!" "I was just doing my shoe!" "No!" "You acknowledged me as your god-king." "High-five!" "What?" "What?" "What the hell is so funny?" " You!" " Me?" "You greet like women." "You idiots wear banana hammocks and you laugh at me?" "Now you're pissing me off." "I'm getting everybody." "Hello." "Where you at?" "I know where I'm at." "Bring in my vast army." "You 13 putz are no match for my massive Persian army." "They number in the millions!" "That's just a blue screen." "Stupid, it's a visual effect." "It's going to be digitally inserted later." "And the army is quite impressive, as you can imagine." "Gentlemen, may I present Queen Margo." "All right." "Come on, baby." "I'm getting a chubby." "Boner alert!" "Boner alert!" "Okay, boys, make it rain." "Good councilmen, I implore you." "Your king, my dear husband, needs your help." "Sparta will fall if you don't agree to send the rest of our army." "Gentlemen, our only hope for survival is to surrender to Xerxes and beg for his forgiveness." "Do not be swayed by the words of this common, pretties with crabs all up in her coochie." " Oh, no, you didn't." " Yes." "Yes, I did." "Queen Margo unleashed a venomous rage  much like Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 3." "I'm evil." "Made of sand." "Oh, no." "Oh, cute." "Gross." "What is it?" "Oh, God!" "How horrible." " How do you like me now, Sandman?" " Oh, no." "Dust-busting bitch, no!" "No!" "Well, tickle my nipples with a feather." "Xerxes is in Traitoro's top five." "Grumble, grumble, grumble." "Traitoro was a traitor?" "All in favor of sending more troops, say aye!" "Aye!" "Aye!" "Aye!" "Spartans!" "We have you surrounded." "Lay down your weapons." "Come and get them!" "Formation!" "A Spartan always protects another man's rear." "Adjust your sword, boy." "It's digging into my back." "But I'm not wearing my sword." " Carry on, then." " My son." " Today, you are truly a Spartan." " Thanks, Father." "Attack!" "Steady, Spartans!" "Remember this day, boys!" "For today is the day you die!" " What?" " What?" " What?" " I mean, they die." ""Today's the day they die," that's what I meant to say." "Go!" "Oh, what a bunch of dumbshits." " God, that smarts!" " I am gonna go Hercules on your ass!" "Ghost Rider." "You're going to hell." "Stop, drop and roll!" "Stop, drop and roll!" "Yo!" "No!" "Yo, Sonio." " I'm gonna knock your block off." " Oh, shit." "Sonio!" " You'll pay for this, Balboa." " Go for it." "Adult diapers?" "Botox overdose." "Yes!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "Xerxes!" "It's a beautiful death." "It's actually not that attractive." "Shit!" "Enough of this gratuitous video-game violence!" "The Transformer cube." "Okay, baby, let's transform." "I am Xerxestron equipped with advanced alien technology." "Leave Britney alone!" "He is a god-king." "Please." "Leave her alone!" "She's a human!" "Oh, ain't that a bitch." "Leonidas was true to his word, a god-king did fall." "But unfortunately, right on them." "L..." "I..." "I just..." " Queen Margo." " Yeah." "Leonidas and the Spartans died for honor  for glory." "They died a beautiful death." "Today, we stand against 30,000 Persians." "But we now have 100,000 soldiers!" "To victory!" "Follow me, boys." "And thus Dilio blindly led the Spartans away from the Persians  to Malibu  just as Lindsay Lohan was leaving rehab again." "What's up, dog?" "It's Britney, bitch." "Like this." "That's right, dog!" "As the Spartans kicked major ass, even Leonidas believed victory was theirs." "Victory is ours, boys." "Let's celebrate." "For tonight we dine at Hooters!" "Eat from them everything and tip them nothing!" "It's two for Tuesday." "Oh, isn't that sweet?" "That's my boy." "Where do you think you're going?" "You little pussy." "No!" "No!" "That's it." "Yay!" "If you can dodge a golf ball, you can dodge a sword." "You missed." "He can outflank us now, my king." "Men!" "We are facing certain death." "Cherries." "But the joke's on them, because they don't know that dying in battle is the greatest honor for any Spartan!" "God, that's a shitty plan." "Look, Leonidas war is not the answer." "Trust me, I know." "No, war is the answer." "Where am I?" "Spidey, you're fired." "Hi." "How are you, Leonidas?" "Ellen." "Don't know why you're upset." "You look great." "The cape is great." "Love the diaper." "I wear something very similar for Portia on Friday nights." "We get frisky." "Hello, Leonidas." "Is it hot in here?" "Okay, Portia, Portia." "Women, women, women." "Women." "You like women." "I can see by your reaction you're not amused." "It's the same reaction anyone who went to see Mr. Wrong had." "Let's play a game." "Maybe we could play a game." "How about "Who sneezed?" We close our eyes someone sneezes and you guess who." "If it was you, you win, because you know." "Listen." "Chill out." "Let's just dance, shall we?" "Come on." "That's right." "Oh, boy." "Okay." "There you go." "You're getting it." "Back and forth." "No, I can't do this." "Your mama's so ugly, if she was in the Spice Girls her name would be Dookie Spice." "Leonidas." "You should try Scientology." "I'm gonna set Katie free." " Yes!" " Yes!" "I had to buy a million and one glitters with my own money..." "I put them on by hand, Simon." "And my reputation is all I have." "And for you to sit here telling me that I'm not "intellident"..." "Inte..." "That I'm not intenni..." " Let me start over." " Intelligent." "I love everyone." "Don't you hate being on an airplane and the captain's like, "If you look left, you'll see another plane?"" "Am I right?" "Know what I'm talking about?" "Another plane?" "Don't you hate being in the supermarket in Aisle 3?" "They're like, "Clean up in Aisle 3."" "And you're like, "What am I doing here?" "I'm in Aisle 3. " Right?" "You're all my fans?" "You love me?" "Who saw Employee of the Month?" "Okay, that's cool." "Right?" "Yo, what's up, Leonidas?" "Superfingers to you." "No." "Superfingers to you, Dane Cook." "This is a metaphor for my career." "You're off my MySpace page." "I'm really 42..." "Sorry, I didn't hear what you said." "I can't understand because you talk like this." "Your mama's such an old, sloppy drunk, I thought she was David Hasselhoff." "From Knight Rider?" "Dineleedas." "Do that..." "Dingleidas." "Dingladick." "Dingle-dangle." "Do leg squats and then you will be a star." "You will be a star!" "The last episode of Sopranos was most disappointing." "I mean, did Tony get whacked or live or what?" "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." "You just..." "You keep doing the thing you do because the do is the thing you do." "When you're pushed, killing's as easy as dancing." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "[ENGLISH]"