"[Moaning]" "[Moaning]" "[Dog whine]" "Oh, oh, ouch." "Oh, not again." "Trump just says what he feels." "You know what I'm talking about?" "Yeah, totally." "Hey, cousin." "Oh, hey guys." "Surprised to see you on the couch, Jeff." " Not!" " [Laughs]" "Oh hey, aren't you guys supposed to be on a date?" "We just were." "We went to the range." "Donnie made me shoot his gun." "At first, I was scared, but then I was grateful he forced me to do it." " Mm." " Cool." "All right, well, I'm late for my night watch shift, so, uh..." "Call me after your wife goes to sleep." "Bye." "[Horn honks "Dixie"]" "[Engine revving]" "Ooh, come to Mommy." "Does Donnie still not know you smoke weed?" "Of course he doesn't." "I can't implicate Donnie." "He's an officer of the law." "No, he's not." "He runs a volunteer neighborhood watch." "You're just a perma-hater 'cause you haven't gotten laid since high school." "Just let me put you on OkCupid." "No, I hate that it's the only way people meet nowadays." "You know, I was born in the wrong decade." " Born in the wrong decade." " I know." " Well, I was." " I hate when you say that." "You know what?" "Let me..." "let me..." "Um, I'll open my mail, and I got to close my..." "[Woman moaning]" "[Audio skipping]" "Jeff!" "This is the third time." "This is the third computer you've broken." "What is wrong with you?" "Hey, I'm sorry!" "It's disgusting." "It's not my fault everything's shitty and made in sweatshops nowadays and breaks if a drop of jizz hits it." "Aim, Jeff, or do it away from my computer." "I can't get off without hd porn, Sharee." "It's the only good thing about 2016." "Ew." "Please, stop." "And I'm not alone in that, you know." "[Jars rattle]" "Did you eat my buffalo chicken bites?" " No." " Well, now you owe me [bleep] Buffalo chicken bites, you bitch." "Okay." "Chill out." "I'll go to wawa and buy you new bites right now." "Yeah, we will." "Both:" "But I'm too high to drive." "[Sighs]" "[Bicycle bell dings]" "[Dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "[Whooshing]" "♪ ♪" " Watch out!" " Hey!" " Holy shit!" " Holy shit!" "Oh, my god!" "Oh, my god!" "[Bleep]!" "[Indistinct police radio chatter]" " And then these two people..." " They just came out of the sky." "I mean, they fell, like, smack down on the ground." "They landed..." "There was all this smoke," " and they just materialized - out of thin air." " And they just appeared." " I mean, it was unbelievable." " It was, like, - extraterrestrial." "Look, I'm gonna write down," ""one white male killed, jaywalking."" "Again, there was also a black woman." "And they weren't jaywalking." "They literally appeared out of the sky." "Are you high?" " Definitely jaywalking, yeah." " They were jaywalking." "We're done." "Get out of here." " God, okay." " Okay, Jesus." "[Siren wailing]" "Whoa." "Oh, my god." "Hey, hey!" "Oh, hey." "I found a clue!" " This is from the people." " Evidence!" "I said get out of here!" " Jesus!" " Jesus Christ." "♪ ♪" "Both:" "Whoa." "[Funky music]" "♪ ♪" "[Dramatic music]" "Looks like Chinese." "I have an app that translates languages in real time." "Look." "Huh, "pencil case."" "It was supposed to say "destiny."" "I'm gonna kill that [Bleep] bitch." "Dude, just tell people it says "destiny."" "No one's gonna know." "It said "destiny" in the catalog." "You know what?" "Actually, why don't you just get it removed?" "I'm just gonna tell people it's "destiny."" "Why are you being aggressive?" "I just gave you that idea." "It meant something to me." "Well..." "And now it's meaningless." "No, it means "pencil case."" "Okay, just look." ""Time traveling bong."" ""Smoke once to travel." "Smoke again to return."" "You don't think..." "That this bong we found on the street is a functioning time machine?" "No, Jeff." "I'm an American citizen." "I'm not an idiot." "We got to try it." "Sure, yeah, right." "It's not real, so yeah, fine." " Great." " That's fine." " Great." " [Dog whimpers]" "You're gonna feel like a real schmuck pussy if it doesn't work, so..." "I'm not gonna feel like a schmuck pussy if this doesn't make us time travel." "Fine." "Go." "♪ ♪" "[Whooshing]" "♪ ♪" "[Whooshing]" " Oh." " Ah!" "Oh." "Wow!" "[Both shouting]" "Oh, my god!" " What is this?" " Oh, oh, what is this shit?" "There's a footprint." "I think it's a dinosaur." "[Growling]" "[Roars]" "[Both scream]" "[Roars]" "[Whooshing]" "Ah!" "Oh!" "[Both scream]" " Oh, it's real." " Oh, my god!" "It's real." " Oh, god." " Oh!" " That was insane!" " Oh, my god." "I have to call Donnie." "What?" "No!" "No, no, you can't call Donnie." "He's just gonna call the FBI so he can get a key to the city or some shit." "We should call the FBI or... or NASA or the police or..." "I don't know." "We shouldn't have this." "What are you doing?" "Are you kidding?" "I'm going again." "Sharee, that was the coolest 12 seconds of our lives." "Sorry, Jeff." "I have a boyfriend, and I have a job." "What, you're not gonna time travel because of your shift at hertz rent-a-car?" "Sharee, we have to." "Think about it." "Anything would be better than the twenty-teens." "We could go anywhere!" "We could see..." "King tut, you know?" "I don't care!" "We could have so much fun, Sharee, like we used to have." "[Groans]" "Listen, if you don't go, I'm gonna go, and then you're gonna miss out, like that time you blacked out when you were at karaoke and Britney Spears came in and they didn't wake you up." "Don't even bring that up." "That is so dick of you to bring that up!" "I'm just saying, you're gonna miss out big-time." "[Bleep]!" "And we can come right back, right?" "Yes, we can come right back, and it's as if no time has passed." "Okay, okay." " Okay, I'm in." " Yes!" "Yes!" "I'm in, as long as we come right back." "Yes." "I promise." "Maybe I'll call hertz rent-a-car first, just let them know I'm not coming in tomorrow." "You're gonna be back before tomorrow." "And even if you weren't, who cares, Sharee?" "It's hertz rent-a-car." "It's gonna be really fun." "It's gonna be safe." "It's gonna be safe and chill." "Just first let me prepare." "Let me prepare." "[Breathes deeply]" "[Hair straightener sizzling]" "Ah." "Perfect." "Okay, so how does this work?" "Like, why'd we just go to Dino times?" "I saw "Jurassic world" last week." "It must have been on my mind." "Oh." "You know, like, in the folds of my brain?" "Maybe if we visualize where we want to go, we'll go there." "[Exhales forcefully] Oh, my god." "You know where I'd love to go?" "Old Hollywood." "It is so glamorous." "I feel like I'd fit right in." "Sure." "Okay, old Hollywood." "Both:" "Old Hollywood." " Old Hollywood." " Old Hollywood." " Old..." " Old Hollywood." "Old Hollywood." "[Whooshing]" "[Mystical music]" "[Dog whines]" "[Whooshing]" "Whoa." "[Dramatic music]" "[People murmuring]" "♪ ♪" "Ew." "This isn't old Hollywood." "Witch!" "Witchcraft!" "No, no, no, no, no!" "[With foreign accent] Good... good sire, we're from the future." "You're a lying witch!" " Yeah!" " Yes!" "No, no!" "No, we're not." "I can prove it." "We're from 2016." "[Hip-hop music playing]" "A trick most satanic!" "♪ ♪" " Hey!" "Come on!" " Ooh!" "Jesus!" "That was a new phone!" "That filthy witch has a tiny cauldron." " No!" " Burly man!" "Let's go." "Let's go." "Go, go, go, go, go, go." "Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke." "No!" "No!" "[Glass shatters]" "Both:" "No!" " No!" "God, no!" " Oh, god!" "Oh!" " Burn the witch!" " Oh, my g..." "Hey, hey, what are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Stop!" "Taking her away from you, handsome stranger." "I'm his cousin." "We just came here together." "Quiet, you crinkum-crankum, you fat witch." "I'm not a witch." "If I'm a witch, he's a witch." "[Crowd gasps]" "Tell them, Jeff." "Come on." "Does she speak the truth, sir?" "Are you also the vicar of Satan?" "[Ominous music]" "Nope, she's the witch, not me." " What?" " Good enough for me." "Jeff, you [Bleep]..." "[Muffled screaming]" "Take her to reverend hale." "All:" "Aye!" " Burly man!" " [Muffled grunting]" "Aye!" "[Muffled screaming]" "I'm sorry." "What is your name, good sir?" "Jeff." "What strange garb you wear." "From where do you hail?" "Uh, Jersey?" "Sir Jeff, the bailiwick of Jersey." "Sure." "Welcome to Salem, the Pearl of Massachusetts." "Wait, this is Massachusetts?" "Has anyone seen my [Bleep] Pete?" "Ooh." "Definitely Massachusetts." "Yeah." "[Sighs]" "Oh, god." "Is everything all right, sir Jeff?" "Ugh, no." "This wasn't the witch's cauldron." "It was my pipe..." "My vase-pipe." "You could bring it to the glassblower to have it fixed, sir Jeff." "Silence, woman!" "Ooh, Jesus." "I have an idea." "You could bring it to the glassblower to have it fixed, sir Jeff." "Wait, you guys have a glassblower here?" "Ah, that's dope!" ""Dope"?" "Oh, um, of course you don't understand." ""Dope" is like "good,"" "you know, "chill," "all chill"?" "It's good." "It's great." "Chill." "Yeah." "Well." "Dope." "[Muffled screaming]" "And so we brought her to you." "[Muffled screaming]" "Jesus!" "She's lain with Satan!" "Forsooth, the balls of beelzebub have bounced upon her chin." " What?" " Silence!" "If witchcraft has come to Salem, we will stamp it out." "But we must not be hysterical." "We must investigate the accused with scientific tests." "Oh, thank god." "Someone reasonable with logic and... and science." "[Screams]" "Oh, god!" " Ow!" "God!" " Hmm." "Ow, ow, ow!" " She bleeds." " Ow, my tit!" "'Tis a human quality." "We must continue the tests." "If she survives, then she is a witch." "If she dies, then she wasn't." "Oh, [Bleep]..." "All:" "Aye!" "[Muffled] Oh, my god." "♪ ♪" "So water goes in here, tobacco here." "You suck out of here..." "This will be a quickie blow job for me." "[Laughs] Great." "Thank you so much." "Should I wait here, or should I..." "Not probably." "First I'll have to gather some dried kindling to start the fire." "And then I'll have to travel to Brewster to get the coal, which could take almost half a day." "Then I'll have to stoke the fritter furnace." "Okay, um..." "Then Thursday I have a thing." "[Goat bleats]" "Sorry." "We have a thing." "Okay, well, then..." "Let me finish!" "Gotcha." "The whole thing could take almost half a fortnight, but it will be done..." "[Glass shatters] Oh." "Expertly." "You know what?" "I'm gonna do what I have to do, which is trust you." "You have amazing teeth." "Two rounds of braces." "What?" "Um, metal things you put on your teeth to make them straight." " Don't worry about it." " Okay." "All right, well..." "Oh, could you tell me where they took my cousin, you know, that witch?" "Don't worry about her." "If I were you, I'd go to town, have some fun." "She's in good hands." "[Screaming]" " Dunk her again!" " Oh, god!" "[Screaming]" "[Sprightly bagpipe music]" "♪ ♪" "Oh, god!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, god!" "Oh, god!" "♪ ♪" "[Laughter]" "♪ ♪" "[Laughter]" "Oh!" "Scat, ye devils!" "Leave the witch alone!" "[Screaming]" "Girls, help." "Please help me." "Girl power." "Hi, witch." "Gonna help me?" "Gonna help me out?" "Come on." "As a matter of fact, we were hoping you could help us." "Huh?" "We have our hearts set on some of the men in town." "And we are hoping you could put a spell on them so they would love us." "And also fix my back." "But if you can only do one thing, definitely the men one." "God, I'm not a witch!" "If I was, don't you think" "I'd [Bleep] Fly out of your shitty town?" "Also, why would you want to be with these guys?" "They're disgusting." "They [Bleep] stink..." "Their breath." "God, when do you get toothpaste?" "So you can't fix my back?" "What are you girls doing near the fat witch?" "Um, we're beating her, sir." "Good!" "Put your back into it, ladies." "Please, no." "Come on, dude." " Sorry, witch." " Sorry, witch." " Sorry." " Sorry." "[Wolf howls]" "Dee, diddle-diddle-diddle." "Oh-ho, there she is!" "Whoo!" "Sharee!" "Sharee, it's me, Jeff." "How are you, bae?" "Oh, gosh!" "God, I'm glad to see you." "Dude, we did it." "We time traveled." "We're in the 1400s." "It's 1691, sir Jeff!" "Elias!" "[Laughs]" "Sir Jeff!" "[Moans]" "God, the people here are so friendly." "Am I right?" "Look at this." "They gave me this cravat and this vest." "[Moans]" "I look good, right?" "I got a confession, Sharee." "I love it here." "Right?" "[Moans]" "Yes, high five." "[Sighs] I'm so glad we did this." "You know what?" "Thank you for doing this with me." "I'm glad we're finally having fun again together, you know?" "Oh, and, dude, the food..." "Have you had any of this Turkey?" "Do you want some of this?" "Oh!" "Oh, Jesus, Sharee!" "Dude, I didn't know it was this bad." "I'm so sorry." "We're gonna get out of here, okay?" "There's a glassblower, and I'm gonna get the bong fixed." "I think he's gonna do an amazing job." "Oh, Sharee, you're really bleeding." "You know I get faint if I see bloo..." "[Panting]" "[Groans]" "[Dramatic music]" "[Bell tolls]" "[Bell ringing]" "Witness the trial of a filthy witch!" "Witness the trial of a filthy witch!" "Witch trial?" "Sharee..." "[Bleep]!" "Witness the trial of a filthy witch!" "Witness the trial of a filthy witch!" "Shit." "[Crowd murmuring]" "You know, it really feels like you've made your decision already." "[Gavel pounding]" "Order!" "The smelly wench has survived many of our tests, which only a witch could survive." "But we have decided we want to hear witness testimony." "Who here has been afflicted?" " [Crowd murmurs]" " Ah!" " Line up!" " Oh, [Bleep] You." " Nice and neat." " [Bleep] You." "I want to see a clean line." "[Bleep] You." "[Dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "I need my..." "Sir Jeff." "I think you'll be very happy with me." "Oh, yes, thank you." "[Goat bleats]" "What the [Bleep] is that?" "Why, it's your vase-pipe, sir Jeff." "Looks like shit." "This looks like shit!" "What did you do?" "Oh, god!" "You... [bleep] You!" "[Spits]" "Oh!" "[Goat bleats]" "When erect, my eavesdropper once scored the length of two barleycorn." "Now 'tis but five poppy seeds, all lined up." "Ooh." "I blame the witch." "This is not about me." "Thank you for your testimony, Ezekiel." "You are dismissed." "I would like to call our final witness..." "Sir Jeff, the bailiwick of Jersey!" "[Crowd cheering]" "Thanks." "[Crowd cheering]" "We just wanted to say..." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "That having you here has been so tight." "As such, we have named our main roadway" "Jeff street." "[Crowd cheering]" "I have made my decision." "I hereby find..." "Don't I... don't I even get the chance to defend myself?" "Of course not." "Hold on, guys." "Wait, wait, wait." "I think she should at least be able to defend herself, right?" "Okay." " [Gavel banging]" " I have an idea." "I think she should be at least able to defend herself, right?" "Okay." "Well..." "I'd like to read a statement that I've written." "[Crowd gasps]" "A woman who can read and write!" "There's the proof." "Burn the witch!" "No, no, no, wait!" "Wait!" "Stop!" "Sharee!" "[Crowd clamoring]" "[Dramatic music]" "[Hissing]" "[Muffled screaming]" "I put to death this witch." "May this be a message to Satan." "We reject ye!" "[Crowd cheers]" "Wait, wait, wait." "I was the first afflicted." "I want to set the witch aflame." "Okay, cool." "Yeah, cool." "[Muffled screaming]" "Uh... [Clears throat]" "Here goes the witch." "[Whooshing]" "[All screaming]" "Witchcraft is real!" "Burn all the women!" "[Women screaming]" "Keep one for birthing!" "[Women screaming]" "[Whooshing]" "[Both grunting]" " Oh, god!" " Ow!" "I saved you!" "You almost got me killed, you asshole." "God." "I found your phone." "I forgive you." "No service." "Where are we?" "[Bird screeches]" "We're... we're not home." "This is not home." "[Bleep]!" "That glassblower must have messed up the bong when he blew it." "Ugh." "This is not my fault." "It is your fault." "You said we'd smoke right back." "So now what, the structural integrity of the bong has changed, so we can't get home and we have no ability to control where we go, forcing us to bounce around the space-time continuum indefinitely?" "I don't know." " [Ground rustling] - [Both gasp]" "[Both grunting]" " Cavemen." " Holy shit." "Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke." "Okay, okay." "[Bleep], it's cashed." "Didn't you bring more weed?" "No, I thought we'd be right back." "[Both grunting]" "Lie down." "Pretend you're dead." "[Both grunting]" "[Hooting]" "[Grunting]" "[Both sniffing]" "[Dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "I'm peeing!" "Me too!" "♪ ♪ [funky music]" "♪ ♪ [roars] [caws]" "♪ ♪ [rapid percussive music]" "Jesus, no." "Oh, my God." "We're dead meat." "Oh, shit, they're horny." "How do you know?" "Their boners." "Whoa." "Hi." "Hello." "Hello, hello." "Hi. [chuckles] [groans] Okay, okay." "Hi." "Sharee, what's happening?" "I don't know." "Just go with it." "[moans]" "Okay, hi, ladies." "Okay, shh, shh, shh." "Hello." " Yeah, right there." "Ooh." " Oh, oh, ow." "Ow, ow." "Oh, no, my cravat!" "That's okay." "You can keep it." "Let's go down." "Gentle, gentle." "[moans]" " Oh, oh, God." " Sharee, what's happening?" "Okay, shush." "Shush, shush, shush." "Yeah, but no teeth." "No teeth!" "It's fine, it's fine, it's fine." "[moans] Oh, gosh." "[sniffs] Ooh." "Jesus, that knuckle's huge!" "Whoo, that is piping hot." "Ah!" "Oh!" " [moaning]" " Ow, ow." "[moaning crescendos]" "[bird caws]" "Oh, Sharee." "Sharee, put your shirt on." "We've got to find something to smoke and get out of here." "Mmmmm..." "No." "What are you talking about?" "It's horrible here." "It's amazing here." "I had..." "I had my first orgasm last night." " What?" " I'd never had one." "I didn't know what it felt like." "Donnie never asked." "He said he didn't need my life story." "Look, I'm really happy for you." "That's great, but I can't stay here." "Last night started out kind of nice, but then it got really rough." "These women almost sucked my dick off, okay?" " They were hungry for it." " Okay." "They were jamming their pussies into my mouth." "Okay." "And fingering my asshole so hard." " All right!" " My penis is raw and blistered." "It looks like a hamburger hot dog." "Okay, I don't need to hear about your dick skin." "Also, what the fuck is a hamburger hot dog?" "It's a hot dog made of hamburger meat." "Where the fuck is that sold?" "Wawa." "I've never seen it." "Please, Sharee, I can't stay here, okay?" ""No" doesn't mean "no" here." "It doesn't mean anything." "Can you imagine how terrifying it is to be in a sexual situation where at any moment you could be overpowered?" "As I'm saying it, I realize... yeah." "I can picture that, Jeff." "I can..." "I can picture that." " Right?" " Sorry, yes." "Okay, all right, give me a few weeks, and we'll revisit the issue." "Is this because of the 1600s?" "Are you still mad?" "I thought you were over that." "I was stabbed in the tit yesterday." "I was dunked." "I was pressed by rocks." "I almost died." "You get one shitty blowjob, and you gotta go!" "No, no, no, fuck you, all right?" "We don't even have weed anyway." "We'll... we'll figure it out." "Just go jerk off in a cave or something." "It'll feel just like home." "I can't jerk off here, Sharee." "This is their porn." "Porn?" "You don't need porn here." "These people are professionals." "They're not human, Sharee!" " [deep moan] - ugh, she sounds horny." "I've gotta hide." "I'm gonna find weed." "[grunting] [sniffing] [grunts] [chuckles] She's thirsty." "[percussive music]" "♪ ♪ [all grunting, sniffing]" "[flatulence] [laughter]" "♪ ♪ [screams] [cavemen grunting]" "[moaning] Forget it." "[grunts] [animal roars] [yells]" "♪ ♪" "Yes!" "[snoring]" "Sharee!" "Sharee?" " [growls]" " Holy shit!" "[grunting]" "What the... [both grunting] [purring] [grunting]" " [purrs]" " What the fuck?" ""Tayeena ween." "Tayeena ween!"" "Wait, are you doing "Nell"?" "You got me, Jeff." "I'm improvising." "Okay, whatever." "Look, I found paleo nugs." "Yeah, there's a bunch over there too." "Cool, Sharee." "All right, look, you've had your weird, shitty fun." "Now let's get the fuck out of here." "No!" "No, wait, Jeff!" "No, no, I love it here." "The raw meat made my period come back." "I've had two rock solid ones already." "It's been a week." "I don't need Klonopin to sleep here." "I don't need Accutane." "Look at, my backne's gone!" "Oh, Jesus, you're covered in scratches, Sharee." "I know." "[sniffs]" "Ugh." "I don't want to leave, Jeff." "Every guy I've ever been with wants me to shave my pubes off." "The guys here love my body hair." "I don't have to shave or wax." "There's no need to Veet or Nair, which means no Nair burns, no threading, no plucking, no bleaching." "[yells] [grunting] fuck, one of them found me." "Come on, we've got to go right now." "I don't have to electrolysis, Jeff." " No need to no!" "no!" " Come on, she's getting closer." " We gotta go, come on!" " No sugaring, no lasering!" " Please, Sharee!" " Oh, fine." "Come on, Sharee, we don't have much time." "Ugh, do it." "[whooshing] [grunting, panting] [yells]" "Oh, Miss Paula D., come on, I ain't even did nothing." "I was thinking about you hotly, and now you got to be punished." "It's your fault, dressing the way you was." "[whooshing] [both groaning]" "Oh, God, ow." "[screams]" "Interlopers!" "Ohhh." "Oh, God, oh..." "Slaves?" " This is slave time." " These are slaves." "These are slaves, yeah." "Shoot 'em, Clyde!" "Shoot 'em!" "Give me a second." " Get away from her." " We can save you." " Get over here." " Come on, hold onto us." " Come on, hurry!" " Come on." " We're gonna save you." " Shoot 'em, shoot, 'em," " shoot 'em!" " It's stuck." "Leave the uggs." "I think we've got a little time." "Ah, here we go." "Shoot 'em now!" "Shoot 'em!" "Hold on tight, guys." "[whooshing, gunshot]" "Oh!" "Paula D.?" "[all screaming]" "[screaming continues]" "[all groaning]" " Where are we?" " I don't know." "[upbeat '60s music]" "Whoa." "♪ Get out of the coal mine baby ♪" "♪ We got a new fad going around ♪" "♪ Going around, going around, going around ♪" "♪ ♪" "Oh, my God, it's 1963." "We did it." "We're white saviors." " You're free." " You're free." "What's happened here?" "Sorry, we time traveled from slave times to free times, 1963." "Yeah, there's no slavery here, guys." "You're liberated." "It's an awesome time for black people." " It's not great actually." " Not awesome." " In fact, even our time is bad." " That was too far." "There's, like, a lot of police..." "It's maybe better than slave times by a little bit." "I've been writing about it on my blog, it sucks." "You gotta take me back." "My children." "I got eight children." "That's not counting the mulattos and the quadroons!" " I'm so sorry, but we can't." " I'm sorry." "We're stuck here." "We don't know how the bong works." "It's kind of broken, and you guys are gonna just have to blend in." " [sobs]" " We ain't got nowhere to live." "We ain't got nowhere to work." "I don't even know how to read." "Ooh, you got to learn." "Excuse me, miss." "Would you like to join the army?" "Get a hot meal and a gun with your name on it." "You mean, like, a musket?" "I like your spirit." "You'll be great on the front lines." "Plus, we'll give you new, snazzy fatigues." " Hey, let's do it." " No, no, no, no, no." "Hold a second." "This is a death wish." " You don't have to go to war." " I mean, you could model." " Yeah." " We ain't got no money!" "Now this is a job." "You wanted us to be free?" "Well, we is gonna be free in..." "Vietnam." "We is gonna be free in Vietnam." "[sighs]" "And I'm gonna greet every day with a hearty, "Good morning, Vietnam!"" "all chanting:" "Vietnam!" "Ohh!" "Vietnam!" "[sighs] That's really bad." "But we win Vietnam, right?" "I don't think we do." "I mean, it..." "Oh, of course, no service." "This is getting really annoying." "Oh, God." "all: ♪ Tweedle Dee-dee-dee ♪" "♪ Tweedle Dee-dee-dee, Tweedle Dee-dee-dee ♪" "♪ Tweedle Dee-dee-dee, Tweedle Dee-dee-dee ♪" "♪ Tweedle Dee-dee-dee, tweet, tweet ♪" "♪ Tweet, tweet ♪" "♪ He rocks in the treetops all day long ♪" "♪ Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singin' his song ♪" "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" "What the hell are you doing?" "You and your big nose missed your step-ball-change." "Dance like a man!" "All right, kids, back in the car." "Michael done fucked it up for everybody." "Sorry about that." "Let's go!" " Thanks a lot, Michael." " Come on, Michael!" "Move your fat asses, Jackie and Rebbie!" "Let's go, Tito!" "Hustle, Jermaine." "Come on, La Toya, with your little fat head." "Get up... move it, Michael, Marlon, and Randy!" "Let's go!" "Pick up the pace!" "[car door slams]" "Let's go, Jacksons!" "Let's go!" "You missed your step-ball-change with your big nose." "That was..." "Oh, my God, that... [both scream] [both hyperventilating]" "That was The Jackson 5." "Wow, La Toya, Jackie, Marlon." "Singing to me." "Shining out his beautiful eyes." "How did I not take a picture?" "My phone works." "At least the camera works." "Joe." "God, Joe." " Ooh, he was scary, man." " Yikes!" "Ooh!" "Really living up to the stereotype." " Just like the movie." " Ah." "Ooh, God!" "Wait." "Maybe that's the reason we were sent time traveling in the first place." "To write The Jackson 5's music and get super rich, yes!" "That is really hard not to do now that you said it." "But what I meant was to save Michael's childhood because he was robbed of his, yeah." "Which is why he robbed so many children of theirs." "We'd be saving Michael and all of his victims." "Maybe we're supposed to be changing history for the better." "We're not doing great so far." "We just sent those slaves to Vietnam." " Ugh, that was so bad." " That was more you than me." " That was more you than me!" " That was dumb, that was bad." " God!" " You know what though?" "They might make it out." "You know, we have to do this, right?" " We have to make up for our sins." " We're gonna do it." "God, we were two New Jersey dildos, and now we have the chance to make history better." "Yes." "We are gonna save Michael Jackson." "By kidnapping him." "Love it." "Huh." "But Joe Jackson did see us." "Well, we're gonna need disguises." "Really subtle disguises." "Ooh, good afternoon!" "Can I help you?" "Oh, well, we were just looking for the home of a Mr. Joseph Jackson." "That's me." "Oh, is it?" "Well, how lucky are we?" "Ha ha!" "My name is Beverly McClellan, and this is my colleague, Simon Cowell." "We are producers of a television program called "The Bee's Knees."" ""Bee's Knees."" "Yes, "The Bee's Knees."" "We were just wondering if perhaps your children would perhaps like to audition to sing and dance on our show." "Sing and dance." "Yes, sing and dance." "Like I said." "How much?" "Oh." "The payment would be about 60." "Yeah." " 60?" " Thousand!" " Thousand?" " What?" "Mm-hmm." "Kids!" "Get out on the lawn now!" " 60,000?" " Let's go, Jacksons!" "Jackie, Rebbie, Tito, Jermaine, La Toya, let's go!" "Michael, Marlon, Randy, let's go, Jacksons!" "Let's go!" "Definitely Michael." "Yeah, Michael, Michael, bring your ass on, come on!" " What about Janet?" " Who?" " Hoo-hoo!" " Not born yet." "Ha ha, just kidding, daddy-o." "Jacksons!" "Come on, let's go!" "Get out there on the lawn!" "Ooh." "Are you Michael?" " I'm Jackie." " Ooh, good luck." "Hey, are you Michael?" " I'm Tito." " Who's Michael?" "I am." " Daddy!" " [muffled shouting] [children shouting]" "We got the King of Pop." "We got the King of Pop." "Shamoa!" "Top of the evening to you." "I'm Beverly McClellan." "We would like one motel room for us and our son here," "Michael Jackson." " Fuck!" " Language." "[gentle music]" "Thank you so much." "Well, my dogs are really killing me." "Oof, these shoes, mm." "You have such a pretty voice, Mrs. McClellan." "It's Ms. McClellan, but, look, we're not who you think we are, okay?" "My name is Jeff, and this is my cousin, Sharee." "Hi." "But thank you so much for saying I have a nice voice." "It is insanely flattering coming from you." "I'm gonna sing for you later." "You might like my voice as well." "Look at that skinny nose." "My dad would love your nose." "He always makes fun of mine." "Oh, no." "No, Michael, your nose is perfect." "Your face is beautiful." "Just as it is right now." "Michael, we had to take you, okay?" "We had to make sure that you weren't abused and you were nurtured." "You are so insanely talented." "Check it out." "You're superhuman." "No." "No, no, no, no, no." "Excuse us just one second." "What are you doing?" "I'm hanging out with Michael Jackson right now." "His music is disappearing." "No." "No, fuck!" "Language!" "[sighs] We gotta take him back." " No!" " No, Jeff, how can we?" "How can we now?" "Come on, we have to weigh the pros and cons here." "Okay, fine." "Pro, Michael seems like a healthy, happy, normal child away from his family." "Yeah, con, bringing him here is making his music disappear, Sharee." "His music brought joy to literally billions of people." "Okay, pro." "The dozens to hundreds of children that Michael molested would be saved." "Allegedly molested." "Alleged, what are you talking about?" " Google it." " I can't, Sharee." "It's 1963." "Here's a con, if we bring him back, he might still molest kids, you don't know." "Pedophilia might be an inborn thing." "The jury's still out on that, right?" "I don't know, Jeff." "I can't Google it." " You just covered that." " Okay." "But the point is we have the chance to make things right." "That sweet little boy out there, he doesn't want to be the Neverland Ranch guy." "I know, he became so weird, his tattooed beard." "The makeup, and the vitiligo." "And the nose, the glasses and the glove." "Elizabeth Taylor and the wheelchair." "The Blanket incident, I'm like, "What are you doing?"" "He really was abused by his father." "But his father was abused by the system." "Ugh!" "But his music!" "But "Thriller"!" "The dance!" "It doesn't matter." "That's a sweet boy." "Okay, you're right, you're right." "You're right, we've got to do the right thing." "Yes." "We are going to raise Michael Jackson as our son." " Ooh." "Yikes." " Ooh." "I'm just gonna..." "Take this." "♪ Oh, Henry was a renegade ♪ [all shouting]" "♪ Never liked to play it safe ♪" "I haven't seen that on the big screen." "It's gonna be all the birds." "♪ ...at a time ♪" "♪ There's got to be a better way ♪" "♪ Oh, people came from miles around ♪" "♪ Searching for a steady job ♪" "♪ Ooh ♪" "♪ It's gonna take it but we'll make it one day ♪" "♪ It's gonna take a long time ♪ [ding]" "♪ It's gonna take it but we'll make it one day ♪" "♪ ♪" "All:" "Two, one!" "Happy 1964!" "[noisemaker honks]" "♪ ♪ [warning alarm blares]" "♪ ♪ [doorbell chimes]" "Good morning, ma'am." "Can I interest you in a hairbrush... [screaming]" "♪ Wherever we're going ♪" " You ready?" " Yeah." "Ah!" "[groaning]" "Ooh, you okay, Michael?" "♪ Whatever we're doing ♪" "Ah." "♪ It's gonna take it but we'll make it one day ♪" "♪ However we want it ♪ [sighs]" "And that's the story of Peter Pan." "I want to go to Neverland." "[sighs]" "Fuck,I didn't even think of that." "Language." "Okay, yeah." "Thank you, good night." "Jeff." "I said, "Jeff."" "Yeah, I heard you." "You're a good boy, Michael." " Mm." " We love you." "I love you, too, White Mommy and Daddy." " Good night." " Okay." "Night-night." "['60s music plays] [both sighing]" "♪ ♪" "Jeff..." "I can't do this anymore." "Oh, thank God." "Me either." "♪ ♪ [music stops]" "I've been wanting to say something for weeks." "This is horrendous, okay?" "Today I sold one hairbrush, and I got a lead for another hair brush sale." "Today I made $3 in tips, and I was groped relentlessly all day." "When do men stop groping women?" "When?" "Tell me!" " The '90s." " I hope so." "Maybe post-9/11." "I don't know." "Everybody's red." "All the white people are red." "Yeah, 'cause they're in the sun with no sunscreen." " It's like..." " And then they're..." "Everybody's a fucking alcoholic." " I tried to buy sunscreen." " It doesn't exist yet." "When do they invent SPF?" "That guy's gonna make a fucking mint." "Ooh." "If I have to eat one more Jell-O mold or plate of Spam, I'm gonna fucking kill myself." "I have a spare tire made of mayonnaise." "And you know this shit doesn't work." "Thank God for the diet pills." "Ugh." "I can't wear this gabardine shit anymore!" "Everything is itchy." "I've been uncomfortable since the first day we got here." " Being a parent is so hard." " Ugh!" " The PTA meetings." " Ew." " Making lunches every day." " Ew." "Avoiding the cops 'cause we stole a child." "Yeah, I don't know what we were thinking." "Yeah, we should have spent that belt machine money on more diet pills." "No, I'm talking about kidnapping Michael Jackson." "Oh, yeah, that." "Ugh." "We took a human child." "Should we kill him?" " No!" " Yeah, no." " We're not gonna kill a child." " No, no." "We're not gonna kill the King of Pop." "Yeah, yeah, no." "Who are we to say what history should and shouldn't be?" " No us." " No." "I don't trust us." "We are idiots!" "When we get to a place, we should not touch anything." " Yes." " We should just look around." "We should look around and go." "It's like we smoke, if it's not home, we smoke out." "But we can't just bring him back." "Now before we go, Michael," "I want you to remember you're beautiful just the way you are." "Also, publishing rights." "Buy The Beatles' music." "It's just a little tip from White Daddy." "I hope you learned something from us." "I learned that it's okay to take little boys from their homes." " Oh, fuck" " Shit." "Language!" " Okay." "Good-bye, Michael." " All right, bye." "[doorbell chimes]" "Michael." "Oh, my God, Michael." "[dramatic music]" "I see you!" "Oh, I'm gonna get you." "Yeah, uh-huh." "Go, smoke." "Get the bong, get the bong, go!" "Nobody steals my son!" "I'm gonna get you!" "Go, go, go, go." "[whooshing]" "The fuck?" "[whooshing] [both groan]" "God." "Ooh, doesn't get any easier." "For once I wish we'd land in a pond." "Where the fuck are we?" "Holy shit!" "Sharee, this is it, the best time period there is in human history." "Ancient Greece, the era of symposiums that gave birth to philosophy and literature." "Plus they have plumbing." "And Greek salad." "Oh, I would kill for a Greek salad." "both:" "Greek salad!" "Wow, great view." "Yeah, it's okay." "Huh." "I can read this." " What?" " Yeah." " I know the Greek alphabet." " Wait, how?" "From my one semester at SDT at Rutgers before I dropped out." "I'm a sorority girl, remember?" "Right." "Yeah." "There's an event or something?" "Hold on." "Excuse me." "Wow." "Okay." "There's a really hot party tonight." "Free wine, beans, chestnuts, and toasted wheat!" " Yes!" " Nice!" "Dude, I could so use a party after that child rearing." "My God." "We earned this time period, right?" "Yeah, we did." "Yes." "I'm gonna do a smoky eye and a nude lip." "What are you gonna do?" "I guess I'll put on a toga." " Greek salad." " Greek salad." "♪" "♪ Hey ♪" "♪ Hey ♪" "♪" " This party is great, huh?" " Yeah." " Thank you." " Except for all the kids." "No, it's good, you know?" "Greeks are way more enlightened." "Kids should mingle with adults." "We should treat them like real people." "She literally doesn't know anyone else here." "♪" "♪ Hey ♪" "♪" "♪" "♪ Hey ♪" "♪" "Oh, it's that kind of party." "Oh." "Mm." "Well, when in Rome, right?" "Wait, we're in Rome?" "No, we're in Greece." "Oh, yeah, I thought Greece." "I just..." "I got confused when you said Rome." "No, yeah, Greece." "Okay." "Okay." "Bye." "♪" "♪" " Hey!" " Oh, hi!" " How are you?" " Oh!" "I'm great." "This is crazy, right?" "I know." " Do you think it's safe?" " I don't know." "I mean, I'm wearing a sheep's bladder as a condom, but I mean, I hope it works." "I think people are really drawn to my teeth, because I don't..." "I'm, like, doing really well." "Yeah, everybody's doing really well." "It's an orgy." "Well, yeah." "Good point." "You know what?" "I don't think we've partied together since high school." "Whoa." "Is that true?" "How can that be true?" "I don't know." "We just started hanging out with different groups, you know?" "Yeah." "And then when Grandma died..." "We became roommates, and when you're roommates, you never make plans to hang out." "You just complain and..." "Talking about how you leave piss on the seat." "Or how you never take out the trash or do the dishes." "Or how you ejaculate on my electronics..." "Repeatedly." "Sorry." "I know." "Sorry." "Well, you know what?" "It has been really great seeing you blossom on this trip." "And how about you, dude?" "Back at home, I feel like you were... stuck." "But here you put yourself out there, and it pays off." "I mean, a girl is sucking your dick right now." "I know!" "It's crazy." "This has been so fun." "I wouldn't have wanted to time travel with anybody else." "Aw." "That's cool." "Me either." "Best cousins." "Best cousins." "Greek salad." "Greek salad." "♪" "Ooh!" "♪" "Huh." "Oh!" " What is that?" " Oh!" "Is that a b..." " Did we..." " Did we f..." "Oh, my God." "Did we f..." "I don't know." "I don't think so." "I don't think so." "Oh, God, but it's hard to remember." "It's such a blur." "Bodies and passion and..." "We're cousins, Jeff." "I know, Sharee." "I knew I shouldn't have come with you." "What?" "I knew this was a bad idea!" "Before you time traveled, you'd never had an orgasm and you were dating a married guy." "I like my life." "I like my job at Hertz." "I like my shitty married boyfriend." "You were the one trying to escape your sad life." "Now we're both weird loser fuck-cousins." "Alleged!" "Ew!" "Ew!" "You didn't seem to mind when your finger was in my butthole." "That was you?" "You said my butthole was tighter than a dime and I need to loosen up." "Stop!" "Oh, God!" "Listen." "If we ever get back to 2016," "I think you should move out." "Fine." "You know what?" "If we ever get back to 2016, I will." "In fact, I think we need some space right now." "Great idea." "But let's maybe get it somewhere else." "Yeah, there's some serious abuse happening here." "Oh, it's rough." "♪" "Oh, I forgot to get a Greek salad!" "♪" "It does not get any easier." " Ah." " God." "Is that a flying car?" "It's the future." "Oh, my God." "♪" "This must be a dump." "God." "Let's get out of here." "Yikes." "♪" "Ugh." "Nope." "Another dead end." "Maybe we should get high." "Ooh, there's got to be something to smoke out of here." "No, I mean get higher up and see if we can see where the exit is." "Fine." "All right, come on." "♪" "Oh, my God." "Did you just fart?" "No!" "I think you're probably smelling the huge pile of trash you're on." "Duh." "Sorry." "It's okay." "♪" "Ooh, God." "God, it is redonkulously hot." "Oh, my God, you're really red." "Holy shit, so are you." " Ah." "Ow!" " We're burning alive!" "Ooh!" "Ow!" "Get in the shade." "Get in the shade." "There's no shade." "It's just trash." " Shit." " Oh!" " Oh!" " Oh, God!" "I can smell your skin." "Ooh, it's sizzling." "Oh, my God." " Oh." " Good idea." "Let's get out of here!" "Give me the bong." "Give me the bong." " Go!" " I can't." "My fingers are too sweaty." "Oh, my God." "♪" "Oh, thank you." "_" " English." " Do you speak English?" "Yes, English." "I am Dasani." "This is my friend Aquafina." "And that's JoJo." "Are you guys doing an accent?" "Yeah, I know we just met, but that's kind of racist." "I'm not doing accent." "Chinese is first official language of America." "You use accent like drunk uncle does at holiday." "It's very passé." "Me so sorry." "Ah, it is almost noon." "We must get inside." "Come." ""Me so sorry"?" "It just came out." "I don't know." "We are so happy to meet new defectors of the evil corporation Nomsanto." "Now that you're out, you can finally learn the truth." "Yeah, walk us through some stuff." "Pretend like we don't know anything." "Nomsanto is agricultural biotechnology company that rules our world." "In 2009, Citizens United allowed corporations to sponsor elections." "Nomsanto gained influence and abolished the Environmental Protections Agency." "So Earth grew too hot for plants to grow, and the world was plagued with famine." "Corporations kept merging until there were only two:" "Nomsanto and Vivid Entertainment." "The porn company?" "Yes." "That's awesome." "Why did you defect?" "Is the resistance forming?" "Actually, we're not defectors." "Are you spies?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "We're not spies, okay?" "We're not spies." "No." "No, no, no, no." "Well, who are you, then?" "We're time travelers." "Did you employ the principles of the Tipler Cylinder?" "Can you confirm our Schroedinger equation in QM?" "Mm... no." "We've been working on a time traveling tool to save our world." "And we developed this." "The bong but fixed." "We can go home." "It's a time traveling bong." " We know." " Yeah." "It started as a silly idea among friends when we would drink gasoline." "But then it actually turned out to be a thing." "Which is pretty hilarious." "Since nothing can grow on Earth anymore, we cannot use it 'cause it's fueled by the ancient herb marijuana." "Oh, my God, I have weed." "♪" "Sticky, right?" "So fucking sticky." "_" "_" "We should use your sweet bud to time travel immediately." "Or we could keep the seeds and synthetically replicate it." "There's a huge market for it." "I know some guys who could distribute." "We don't have to be "dealers."" "We would just sell enough that we smoke for free." "No, no, no, no, or you guys could do your original plan, which is to time travel." "Well, we don't know if the bong works yet, so we might as well get high first anyway." "No, it does work." "Look." "We used it to get here." "Uh, what the fuck is that?" "It's your bong." "It looks like shit." "Yeah, well, we broke it." "But we used it to get here." "We got it from these future people, this black lady and this white dude." "They're wearing "Star Trek" stuff..." "♪" "♪" "Sharee." "Sharee!" "They took the weed." "Yeah, and Sharee." "Where did they take her?" "There's an incinerator room at the core of the Nomsanto Center." "Oh, my God." "I have to save her." "Sharee!" "_" "_" "_" "_" "Hey, actually, I don't know my way around here." "Can you guys show me how to get to the Nomsanto Center?" " Oh, yeah." " Yeah, definitely." "All right, let's hurry, though." "Get my gloves." "Guys, please, no." "What are you gonna do to me?" "You were found in possession of plant life, which is illegal." "That is such bullshit." "Nature rules us, not the other way around." "♪" "We can go no further." "Our ID chips might sound the alarms." "You must go alone." "I don't know if I can do this alone, guys." "Here, take this." "It is your only hope to escape." "But promise us, Jeff, you will come back for us." "Together we must save the planet." "Uh, I mean, I'll try, yeah." "I gue..." "I'll try." "Okay?" "Cool." "So is there, like, a secret entrance, or, like, can you override an access code?" "Can you hack into the system and shut down security so I can..." " Nope." " That'd be great, right?" " We can't." " Just can't do it." " I wish." " That'd be so cool." "Oh." "But there is one way you can get inside undetected." "You must climb through the biohazard chute." "This shit?" "Through there will take you straight to the n'energy core." "I can't climb up there." "There's condoms and syringes and shit." "What if I get AIDS?" "What?" "Oh, no, AIDS has been eradicated." "It has?" "Wow, I guess that's one good thing about the future." "Okay." "Thank you, guys." "I'll never forget you." "You are coming back for us, though, right?" "Yeah, I'll do my best." "Oh, this is just open." "Whoof." "This is the only way?" "No other way?" "Wow." "Wow." "Okay." "Okay." "Oof, Jesus." "God, it stinks!" "Oof!" "AIDS hasn't been eradicated." "I know." "It's worse than ever." "But he was freaking out, so that's life." "_" "_" "_" "Oh, God." "Please, no." "Please, please, please." "Please, please." "What are you doing?" "No!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God damn it!" "That was just starting to heal." "I can't do this." "Mm-mm." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Where am I?" "Oh!" "Okay." "Oh." "Oh!" "Oh!" "_" "♪" "_" "_" "You are an illegal citizen, and possession of plant life is punishable by death." "♪" "This is the third computer you've destroyed." "Destroyed." "It's not my fault everything breaks if a drop of jizz hits it." "Drop of jizz hits it." "Aim, Jeff." "Aim." "♪" "♪" "Oh." "You can do it, Jeff." "Come on." "I can't get off without porn." "I can't get off without porn." "♪" "♪" "Oh, please." "♪" "♪" "Oh!" "Oh!" "_" "_" "Come on." "Come on, Jeff." "Come on." "Come on." "Sharee, I came without porn." "I saw." "I literally couldn't look away." "I have the bong." "Yes!" "We can smoke it and go home." "It's going to be hard without this." "No!" "I'm gonna kill you, bitch!" "_" "Yes!" "Ow, God." " Oh!" " Oh!" "Oh!" " Oh, my God!" " We're home!" "We're home!" "Oh!" "We're home!" " Wait, wait." " Yes." " Did you just smoke your hair?" " Yeah." "Remember in 2007 when Britney Spears had her meltdown?" "She saved her head 'cause she didn't want to be tested for THC 'cause she would lose her children." "And I realized I must have enough THC in my hair, so I smoked it, and it worked." "That's genius." "You are so smart." "I am." "I'm smart now." "Oh." "Crispin!" "Crispin!" "Hi!" " Oh, Crispin!" " Oh, my God!" " Hi!" " Oh, we missed you, buddy." "Oh, my God, there is so much I missed." "Me too." "Running water." "Medicine." "Toilet paper!" "Food!" "Oh, God, yeah." "Come on, let's go." "Applebee's happy hour ends in 30 minutes." "I'm not paying full price for shit." "Jesus." "Okay, we're not dating anymore." "I'm breaking up with you." "Cut the bullshit, fat tits." "Come on, let's go." "You know, I might have fucked my cousin, and it was a healthier situation than this." "Wait a minute." "What did you say?" "Mm, sorry." "This is the best time." "It really is." "You know, I didn't realize before how shitty the world has been for women forever." "Mm." "Yeah." "I really learned that I need to be the best woman that I can be." "I owe it to the women who've suffered before me." "I learned... how to masturbate without porn." "That's something." "That's huge." "It's something." "That's huge." "I always said I was..." "Born in the wrong decade." "I know." "But I was just blaming my stupid life on that." "And the fact is, I'm really lucky to have been born now, and I need to take advantage of it and not make excuses, you know?" "Totally." "That's amazing." "Thank you." "Another classic from the king of pop, Michael Jackson." "Whoa!" "One of his greatest hits from 1986..." "Our son." ""Left Behind."" "♪ You took me ♪" "♪ Then you left me ♪" "You don't think that's about us." "♪ My mommy, my mommy ♪" "♪ My mommy and my daddy ♪" "♪ Hee-hee ♪" "That's about us, yeah." " Okay." " Ooh." "I'm definitely done with time travel." "Me too." "What should we do with the bong?" "Hmm." "♪" "Okay, I have to talk a couple things through." "Yeah." "Why aren't there doubles of us?" "Oh." "Also, how did the future people get here in the first place if they didn't have weed?" "Mm-hmm." "Also, I'm like, "Why didn't we land" ""where the future people landed in the street when we first saw them?"" "You know, aren't there parallel, alternate timelines that we're dealing with here?" "Yeah, there's a lot of theory about time travel, right, and I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I think I figured it out." "Here's the airtight logic." "So..."