"Wrong thigh, sucker." "Well, if caressing your thigh is wrong, then I do not want to be right." "Ugh!" "I can't believe that I have to go to stupid work." "Is there a job where you get paid to make out?" "Yeah, we could be ladies of the night." "Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much." "Oh, I'm gonna miss you, too, Boo." "Mmm. "Boo."" "Aww." "Doesn't it just make you want to vomit, Boo?" "How long am I gonna have to hear" ""I love you more than there are stars in the sky"?" ""I love you more than there is sand on the beach."" ""Oh, no, no, no." ""I love you more than there are raisins in the new Raisin Bran, now with more raisins."" ""I love you more than there are drops of water glistening down your cheek."" ""No, I love you more than there are green in your eyes."" "âª What I like about you âª You really know how to dance âª âª When you go up, down, jump around âª âª Talk about true romance âª" "âª Yeah âª âª Keep on whisperin' in my ear âª âª Tell me all the things that I wanna hear âª âª 'Cause it's true âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª That's what I like about you âª âª That's what I like about you, you, you âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª That's what I like about you âª âª That's what I like about âª âª Uh-huh âª" "âª Uh-huh âª âª It's what I like about you âª" "Okay, here you go." "I'm so sorry it took so long." "We're renovating, and not everything's working, including the staff." "Lauren." "Lauren!" "What are you doing?" "[ laughs ]" "I wasn't working." "Are you talking to that poker guy online again?" "You have been e-mailing him for, like, three weeks." "Why don't you just meet him?" "Then you can talk to him and even see him, ooh, after work." "No." "W-what are you afraid of?" " You already love his personality." " I know." "And he loves yours, so what's the problem?" "Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, uh... he just has this thing, you know?" "Ew." "No." "On his what?" "What's he got?" "Oh, you know." "It's just kind of, um, you know, a... a wife thing." "He's married?" "Mm-hmm." "Let's get back to work now, lazy." "And you're still makin' time with him?" ""Makin' time"?" "Oh, yeah, see." "Yeah, doll." "We went to go see the Andrews sisters, and then we made some time." "You are in love with a married man." "I am not in love, okay?" "We're friends." "We talk." "Do you have any idea how dangerous this is?" "Look, I'm not hurting anyone." "No, no, Lauren, you're hurting yourself." "La la la la la la la la!" "I'm trying to help you!" "This is good." "This is good." "It's nice to know I'm not the only one you fight with." "I am fighting with her because I love her." "The poker guy she's been e-mailing is married." "I've got to stop it." "Lauren is a beautiful girl." "She deserves to be in a healthy relationship." "Like ours?" "Look, baby, what's happening with Lauren is classic, okay?" "The married guy is just filling an emotional void in her life." "All she needs to do is find someone else to fill it." "That is incredibly sensitive." "Where'd you come up with that?" "We got a gay dude on the squad." "Hey, do you have any straight ones?" "One that could maybe fill Lauren's void?" "Uh, well, would she like someone 6'2", 180, Italian?" "Mmm." "She loves Italian... on her salad and in her men." "Uh, no, you know what?" "I forgot -- he's terribly shy." "I tried to fix him up one time, and he wouldn't even go because he wasn't comfortable one-on-one." "What other kind of date is there?" "Double." "[ laughs ]" "Great, you can take the gay guy from your squad." "[ drill whirs ]" "[ exhales sharply ]" "Oh, my God, oh, my God," "Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God." "I know." "You already told me that on the message." "Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay." " Say it!" " Okay." "Remember this morning when Vince and you were acting all in love and disgusting and stuff?" "Uh-huh." "Well, when you left for work," "Gary and I started making fun of you, and then something horrible happened." "It was something hideous." "It was something repulsive, something grotesque." "Worse than the time we found that hand?" "Way worse." "This morning, when you guys left," "Tina and I were making fun of y'all." "And we started joke love-talking and then we started joke love-kissing and... all of a sudden, little Gary did the wave." "It started out as a joke, you know?" "But then Gary got really close to me, and, Holly, I may have feelings for Gary other than hate." "Oh, my God." "Tina, that's fantastic!" "You know, I always thought that there was something happening there." "I hate him!" "I hate her!" "Then you may be sending mixed signals by making out with her." "Come on!" "The four of us can go skiing, bowling, miniature golfing." "No!" "No four of us!" "No two of us!" "I despise him!" "Do you think he likes you?" "'Cause if he likes you " "Holly, I hate him!" "[ gasps ] The four of us can go to Ixtapa!" " Oh, you get the best deals for four!" " Stop talking!" "Look, man, you have got to have my back on this." "Uh, tell Tina that now that you're dating Holly, you are very discomforted by seeing her strutting her butt around in her tiny bikini, which only covers half of her delicious, scrumpdiddlyumptious, round, bubbly..." "Oh, my damn." "Oh, don't go there, little "G." Don't go there." "I hate his personality." "I hate his stupid laugh." "I hate how he wears his t-shirts all tight, and they make his big, beautiful, chocolaty muscles..." "All we have to do is tell him that you like him." "No, no, no, no." "You can't tell anyone." "I swear to God, Holly, if you tell anyone..." "All right, I won't, but..." "No buts." "You like his butt, too, don't you?" "I swear to God, dude, I won't tell anyone." "The only ones that will know will be you, me, and little "G."" "Hey!" "What are you doing here?" "Nothing." "He's doing nothing here." "Hey, babe." "Gary didn't happen to mention anything about Tina, did he?" " I got to get to work." " No, no, no." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Before you go, I have some information that could very possibly get us a good deal at Ixtapa." "Holly, I'm really late." "Okay, Tina has the hots for Gary!" "[ gasps ]" "You've been standing out here with him." "He didn't say anything about her, did he?" "I love you, baby." "We have to fix them up." "They will be so cute together." "But we have to play it cool because Tina told me not to tell anyone." "But you just told me." "Yeah, but you're not anyone." "You're my boyfriend." "We don't keep secrets from each other because we have that intimate bond." "I love that we have that bond." "Yeah, love it." "Love the bond." "Mmm!" "Something smells good." "Are you and the missus having company over?" "The only reason that him and I are doing this together is to set Lauren up and get her away from her online guy." "He's married." "[ Lauren laughs ]" "Lauren, are you on my laptop?" "[ computer chimes ]" "Come on." "A handsome single guy is gonna be here any second." " Now get yourself together." "It's showtime!" " Whoo!" "[ knock on door ]" "Hi..." "[ chuckles ]" "Have fun." "Hi, is this the Meladeos' apartment?" " Who are the Meladeos?" " We are, baby." "Hey, Joe, welcome." "This is my " "Um, Val." "I'm Val." "Hi." "And this here is the Tyler residence." "Thanks for the invite." "This is for you." "Oh!" "That's so sweet." "Strawberry preserves -- did you make these?" "No, we got a gay guy on the squad." "Joe, I want you to meet my very special, very lovely friend, Lauren." "Wow." "Oh, "wow" back at you." "[ computer chimes ]" "Bro, I think I finally figured it out." "Every time I think of Tina, I snap this and associate Tina with pain." "Ow!" "Oh!" "Now, wouldn't that be more effective if you put it around little Gary?" "How about we get you to a club, hook you up, and forget about this girl?" " Good looking out." " That's my man." " Hey, guys!" " Hey!" " What's she doing here?" " What's he doing here?" "All right, I'm gonna go fake pee, and when I get back, I'm gonna real kill you." "[ chuckles ]" "Okay, how hot is Tina?" "Don't tell me you didn't notice, Gary?" "W-w-why you asking me?" "I just think it's interesting how, lately, you light up when Tina walks in the room." "Come on, man!" "You went and told Holly that I have unwanted feelings of a desirous nature toward Tina?" "What?" "No, I didn't tell her." "You just did, Gary." "Oh, no." "I just blurted out my own secret?" "Aw, I can't tell me anything." "Wait." "You knew?" "!" "I stood out there and asked you if Gary said anything about Tina, and do you know what you said?" ""I love you, baby"?" "How could you not tell me, especially after I told you that Tina had the hots for Gary?" "Say what?" "!" "W-who has the hots for who?" "Tina has the hots for you, and you have the hots for Tina!" "Oh, my God!" "I hate you." "I hate you." "I was talking to Holly, but I hate you, too." "I hated you first." "Tina!" "Great!" "Now look what you did!" " Me?" " Yes!" "Now Tina hates me!" "I don't blame her for being pissed at you." "You should never have told me." "If Tina didn't want me to tell you, she should have said," ""Don't tell anyone, including Vince."" "Without the "including Vince," of course I'm gonna tell you." "We're a couple!" "Which obviously doesn't mean the same thing to you." "Holly, when somebody says, "Don't say anything to anybody,"" "I don't say anything." "What about our bond?" "You said you loved the bond!" "[ laughter ]" "See?" "Do I not know when two people should be together?" "Yes, you do not know when two people should be together." "So how about you give me your number?" "Uh, is that the Blackberry with color screen and wireless internet access?" " Can I hold it?" " Sure." "Want me to show you how it works?" "[ laughs ] I'm very familiar." "Thank you." "Why'd you let him bring a Blackberry?" "You should have frisked him." "Lauren!" "I'm just putting in my phone number." "Hey, um, why can't I get online?" "How come I can't get online?" "Connect, bitch!" "Get her back." "Get her back." " Poker." " Poker?" "No." "Poker is the drug that got her hooked on the married guy in the first place." "Exactly, but a taste of the drug will keep her here with Joe, which might make her like him and forget all about the married guy." "That's really good." "Where'd you get that?" "The gay guy on the squad gets Cosmo." "Tina!" "It's me -- good old best friend Holly." "You're dead to me." "Come on, Tina." "Open the door." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to " "I'm only opening this door so to show you the international sign of not speaking to you." "That was the sign." "Okay, just tell me one thing." "What the hell were you thinking?" "Apparently, I wasn't." "Tina, I never meant to hurt you." "I didn't set out to do that." "I set out to make you and Gary happier." "By betraying my confidence?" "Yeah, it was a byproduct." "A very, very bad byproduct." "Listen, I honestly thought that you and Gary would be so good together." "Okay, but that is between me and Gary." "Obviously Vince understands that." "He knows if his friend tells him something in confidence, that trumps everything, girlfriend or not." " I know." "I know." "I know." " Holly!" "Listen, I was in a cab the other day, and I read something on the hanging deodorizer that really stuck with me." "It said "A true friend is someone that you can trust with your life."" "You're not my true friend anymore now just 'cause you have a boyfriend?" "No." "I was an idiot -- an immature idiot." "I now know that "don't tell anyone"" "has the implied "including Vince."" "I never want you to not trust me." "One who has found a true friend has found a treasure." "Wow, that's really profound." "Where'd you get that?" "A Dove bar stick." "Look at us reading." "[ both laugh ]" "Okay, so let's see." "I have won four, and you have won none." "Yeah, well..." ""Yeah, well"...what?" "Yeah, well...you!" "Okay, how many cards you want, Val?" "Uh, two, Vic." "There's two, Val." "Thanks, Vic." " Lauren, how many cards you want?" " [ laughs ]" "Lauren." "Hold on one second." "Okay." "Okay, what?" "Listen, I got to get going." "I'm on duty in the morning." "Can I have my Blackberry?" "Mm-hmm." "One...second." "Uh, I really got to go." "Okay, I am almost " "Give me the Blackberry!" "I am so sorry." "Vic, why don't you walk him to the elevator?" "Give him back his jam." "We don't deserve it." "What is the matter with you?" "I gave it a shot, Val, okay?" "Joe's just not my type." "He's too...you know." "Uh, ruggedly handsome, charmingly polite?" "He had freckles on his arm, okay?" "They were bugging the hell out of me." "And remember that time when he yelled at me about the Blackberry?" "I did not care for that." "No, no, no." "This is not over, okay?" "What you're doing here is not healthy." " You are gonna end it." " Oh, no." "I'm not ending it, okay?" "I am in love with my married poker man." "Lauren, you don't even know him, okay?" "You don't even know if him's a him." "It could be some old lady whose grandson taught her how to use the computer." "Well...she's funny, she's sensitive, and she's more romantic than anyone I have ever been with." "What do you think -- a match made in heaven?" "You know, why don't you go to bed?" "I'll clean this up." "Really?" "Yeah." "Go have a hot bath." "That always makes you feel better." "Okay." "Hey, I'm already clean." "Well, we could play another hand." "I could let you win." " Oh, I can win on my own." " Oh, I don't think you can." "Shut up and deal, fireman." "Well, I've already taken all of your cash, so..." "Okay, so we can play for something else." " Like what?" " I don't know, like, um..." " A kiss?" " What?" "You win, you get your money back." "I win, I get a kiss." "Where?" "The loft would be fine." "[ clears throat ] Okay." "Hmm." "Hmm." "[ excitedly ] Hmm-hmm!" "[ devilishly ] Hmm-hmm-hmm." "Unh-unh." "[ disappointedly ] Hmm." "Okay, how many cards you want, baby?" "Hmm...two." "There you go." "Hey..." "Thank you for having Joe over." "He seemed really nice." "Oh, Lauren's so stupid." "She could be sitting here right now having fun with a handsome, sweet, funny fireman." "Someone who makes her laugh, makes her forget about stuff." "Well, unless you've got four of a kind, you have got to kiss your hubby." "Well, crap." "[ chuckles ] Let me see." "No, no, no, no, no." "Never show your cards in poker." "Okay, you won fair and square." "Come on, a bet's a bet." "You get the pot." "Lay it on me." "[ chuckles ] Okay." "[ clears throat ]" "No." "No." "Um..." "you know what?" "When I kiss you, I want you to want me to kiss you... not because you got some bad cards." "Yeah, well, that's never gonna happen." "Not on this date." "Not on the date after that or the one after that." "But maybe on the one after that." "Hey." "Hey." "You were right." "I know, Boo." "I should have never gotten mad at you." "I love the fact that your friends can trust you with a secret and that I can trust you with a secret." "You know that's how I roll, baby." "You know another thing that I love about you?" "The fact that you can actually keep a secret." "I find it incredibly masculine and very sexy." "Really?" "Well, it just so happens I have another secret." "[ gasps ] You do?" "What would that be?" "I'm not gonna tell you." "Come on, tell me." "Nope, and it's really juicy." "Will you tell me now?" "I'm sorry, Holly." "When people tell me something, I take it to the grave." "Don't tell me more." "Don't tell me more." "âª When I get that feeling, I want sexual healing âª âª Sexual healing âª âª Oh, baby âª"