"(INAUDIBLE)" "I know, but it's coming." "When is it?" "It's not gonna be too much longer." "Spit your gum out." "Come on." "Thank you." "(INDISTINCT)" "Oh, here comes the train!" "Get behind me." "Ally, stay behind me." "Just take it." "Take it." "Give me your purse." "Give me your purse." " Give me the ring!" " What?" " Don't talk." " It's gonna be okay." " Ally, don't look at them." "No, no..." " TEENAGER:" "Better not, lady." "CONDUCTOR: (ON PA) This is the Coney Island-bound F train." "Next stop Avenue I." "No!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Daddy!" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)" "Hello?" "Fifteen minutes." " How are you, Mom?" " You look good." " How you doing, Les?" " Good to see you." "Thanks for the wake-up call, Maestro." "You smell like Listerine and beer." "You couldn't wear a tie?" "I could have." "DIANE:" "This is nice." "Michael would like that we still do this." "Did you tell Tyler what your art teacher said about your portrait?" "Mom!" "DIANE:" "Tell him!" "She said I captured the moment like a young James Whistler." "TYLER:" "Well, at least it's a young James Whistler, because, God, I mean, Whistler, he fell off in the latter half of his career." "He is the Boyz II Men of European art history." "She recommended your sister to Steinhardt's Summer Art Intensive," " and that's hugely prestigious." " It's fantastic." "It's great." "I'm going to do a drawing called "My Brother and His Favorite Cigarette."" "And, since I'd be the youngest person ever, practically, to be studying there..." "CHARLES:" "Tyler, would you please pass the sugar?" "She still has a couple of minutes left on the clock, Dad." "Just a couple of seconds." "Caroline's perfectly capable of speaking up if she's feeling slighted in any way." "Have I slighted you in any way, Caroline?" "I'm fine." "(SCOFFS)" " I didn't mean to change the subject." " What was the subject?" "CHARLES:" "Excuse me?" "The subject we were discussing." "What was it?" "Now is not the time for your heroics, Tyler." "TYLER:" "Actually, now is the perfect time." " All right." "I gotta go." " DIANE:" "Tyler." "Caroline, do you want me to take you anywhere?" " I'm okay." "I'll stay with Mom." " All right." "I'll see you soon." "The sugar." "Eat something." "TYLER:" "Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it." "I tend to agree with the first part." "Michael, you know what day I'm staring at." "By 22, Gandhi had three kids," "Mozart, 30 symphonies, and Buddy Holly was dead." "You once told me," ""Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch. "" "Is that true for everybody?" "Or was that just poetic bullshit?" "AIDAN:" "I sold your girlfriend a toothbrush." " You sold my who?" "What?" " You know, your girlfriend." "That voluptuous, delightfully oblivious little blonde you left in your bed yesterday?" " Yeah." " Yeah, I sold her a toothbrush." "I got three bucks." " Congratulations." " Yeah, are in order." "'Cause that sale inspired our newest business venture." "The S.L.U.T." "It's a Single Lady's Universal Tote." "It's a one-night-stand travel pack for women." "You know?" "We throw in makeup and toiletries, a cell phone charger, cab numbers..." "We retail it for $19.95." "Maybe we'd do an infomercial." "Do you think women will buy this with actual money?" "Okay." "Yeah." "You know what?" "Fine." "Be cynical." "But think about it, at one point in history, two people had a conversation, a lot like this one, about the light bulb." "One went on to fame and fortune, the other probably went to work at Mickey D's or something." "In the wake of recent terrorist attacks, do you guys think there's a place for a discussion about ethics when we're talking about the root causes of terrorism?" "ALLY:" "Wasn't it a moral question, not an ethical one?" " PROFESSOR:" "How so?" " Well, morals define personal character." "PROFESSOR:" "And ethics?" "ALLY:" "The standards of behavior expected by a group." "And in the end, personal character is more important?" " Absolutely." " PROFESSOR:" "That's a good point." "Does knowledge of the past limit us or benefit us?" "WOMAN:" "Can we make this a non-smoking statue?" "Yeah, Tyler." "Can we make this a non-smoking statue?" " You promised you'd quit." " I know." "Why do you think Dad doesn't wanna listen to me?" " Dad loves you." " So?" "You can love someone and not want to spend time with them." " Yeah, you got that right." " Mom loves Aunt Sara." "But at Christmas last year, she wouldn't let Les leave them in a room together 'cause she said that there'd be a "Yuletide homicide."" "That's 'cause Aunt Sara drinks." "You don't drink, do you?" "I'm 11." "So why would anyone ever want to avoid you?" "Michael used to drink." "That's 'cause Michael was 21." "When you're 21, drinking's new and exciting, and everybody does it." "Aunt Sara drinks 'cause she wishes she was 21." "You're 21." "Okay." "AIDAN:" "Hey, what about Atlantic City for your birthday this year, man?" " Really?" " Yeah." "We'll get a suite." "You could call Toothbrush Girl." "I think I'd rather be sodomized with a toothbrush than that." "It's your day, man." "We can work something out." "The schematic for these particular shelves is of authors who have slept together and ended up dead or in prison." "No shit?" "Shit." "See, that's why chicks dig you, man." "No, seriously." "They love this freaky poetic crap." "Oh!" "I ran into Megan yesterday." "She's bartending at Don Hill's tonight, man." "Wants us to stop by." "She practically begged me." "Yeah, poor thing." "Hey!" " TYLER:" "Hey!" " "Hey," nothing, man!" "What's... (MAN SHUSHING)" "What?" "All right, look, you've been a ghost the past couple of weeks, all right?" "You never wanna go out anymore." "I've had enough of this brooding introvert shit, okay?" "I'm ready to set up an intervention here." "(LAUGHS SOFTLY)" "What?" "You do realize that interventions typically don't involve binge drinking." "Look, one drink." " Okay?" "Just one." " When was the last time you had one drink?" "Communion." "(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)" "Megan!" "Megan." "Wow!" "You look great!" "MEGAN:" "Do not speak." "AIDAN:" "Okay." "Two beers?" "Is she mad at me or something?" "She's not mad." "That's how people act when they're really into you." " Yeah." " GIRL:" "Excuse me?" "Oh!" " Hello." "Excuse me." "Hi." " Could you get a picture for us?" "AIDAN:" "Yeah, sure." "I just push the button?" " Turn it..." " You gotta go the other way." "AIDAN:" "Beautiful." "Save that for your collection." "So, what are you girls drinking?" "GIRL:" "Mojitos!" "LAUREN:" "Mojitos!" "AIDAN:" "No, no, no, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with any other city." "I'm just saying that this is the greatest city in the world." "All right?" "I love this street!" "I love this street!" "Where are you guys from?" " Miami." " Miami." "AIDAN:" "That was great." "You did it in unison." "Miami." "That's a big suck fest." "No, this is the greatest city." "I don't know, like Barcelona, Rio," " they got nothing on this town." " What are we doing?" "I'm freezing." " Hotel bar." " WOMAN:" "Michael!" "Yeah." " Should have worn a coat." " WOMAN:" "Michael!" "(CAR HORN HONKING)" "AIDAN:" "It's warm in here." "MAN 1:" "Get your hands off my car!" "MAN 2:" "What's your problem, asshole?" " AIDAN:" "You'd be warmer if you snuggle up." " Asshole!" "MAN 1:" "What the hell?" " Get back in your car." " MAN 3:" "Yeah?" " What?" " MAN 2:" "Go back to Long Island" " where you come from." " MAN 1:" "I'm from Queens, asshole!" "MAN 2:" "Shut the hell up, Yank." "MAN 1:" "Why don't you go back to England, huh?" "Hey, you wanna go back to my hotel room?" " MAN 2:" "That's my bloody guitar!" " MAN 1:" "Eat shit and die!" "GIRL:" "Whoa!" "(MEN GRUNTING)" " Tyler..." " This is messed up." " I'm gonna go." " AIDAN:" "Tyler!" "LAUREN:" "Let's go..." "GIRL:" "Lauren!" "Where are you going?" " Come here!" " GIRL:" "Don't walk over there." " Get off me!" " Lauren!" "AIDAN:" "Get off of me!" "GIRL:" "Oh, my God!" "MAN 1:" "Get off of me!" "Come on, now!" "Right now!" "Hold him down!" "GIRL:" "No, I really think that it's done." " It's not bleeding as much." " Here you go, ma'am." "I hate New York!" "Listen, Officer, those two were with us." "They were just trying to stop it." "OFFICER:" "Leo." "Cut those two loose." "LEO:" "Curly, turn around." " Anything in here gonna stab me?" " Nope." "Get out of jail free." "You're very, very lucky my partner is on a tear." " How about you two?" " It wasn't us, man." " Take a hike." " MAN 1:" "That scumbag kicked my car!" " Shut up, genius." " Eat shit, wanker!" "All right!" "That's it!" "Everybody's going!" " MAN 1:" "What?" "You're bloody shitting me!" " Come on!" " Hey!" "Hey!" " MAN 2:" "They attacked us!" "These two didn't do anything." " It was everything was these assholes." " MAN 1:" "Hey, star witness, shut up!" "What are you still doing here?" "This is bullshit." "These two guys were just walking across the street." "Well, Mr. Hawkins, what makes you think I give a shit?" "'Cause you're a cop." " You're supposed to give a shit." " You hear that, Leo?" "That's a great relief to me, Mr. Hawkins, to know that you're on top of the situation." "Now, go home!" " Take a hike, fellas." " Why don't you..." "What..." "(SIGHS)" "PRISONER 1:" "Hey, pretty boy, you ready to grab your ankles?" "Come here, sweet potato." "You can have your call now." "No, I'm good." "I'm good." "Don't worry about it." " You all right?" " You're good?" "You're good?" "Okay." "Now, thank God you're good." "'Cause I wouldn't want you to get upset about anything, like being in jail." "I wouldn't want you to worry about that." "(CHUCKLING)" "You want to tell me what you were doing?" "I would like to know." "You wanna tell me what you wanted from that cop guy?" "Nothing." "It was just a messed-up situation." "I mean..." "Yeah, I'll say." "It was frigging stupid, is what it was." "These guys, you know, they're just pussies." "You pussies!" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "That's great." "That's good." "Okay, Green Hornet..." "Lantern." "Asshole!" "You know what?" "You might actually be having a nice time not matriculating in school." "But I actually would like to graduate." "It must be nice living at the bookstore by yourself with all your stacks of books and all that, but, see, I actually plan on having a career, and a wife, and a girlfriend, and, I don't know, a divorce" "and a mid-life stalking episode, and erectile dysfunction." " PRISONER 2:" "Little bitch!" " Shut up!" "PRISONER 3:" "Faggot!" "PRISONER 2:" "Asshole!" " So I will thank you, as a friend..." " OFFICER:" "Shut up!" "...to keep your complexes and your nihilistic bullshit to yourself!" " Did you just say "nihilistic"?" " Yeah!" "All right?" "I got it off a cereal box!" "Hawkins." "Hall." " Oh, you..." " Yeah." "I called your dad." "Sue me." " MAN:" "Good boy." " PRISONER 2:" "We didn't do anything!" "AIDAN:" "Hey, nice to meet you." "ALLY:" "Is she looking for a roommate?" "In the city?" "Really?" "Hey, I gotta go, but I'll call you back." "Okay." "Bye." "So, what'd you tell me you were gonna do when things got tight?" "What, breathe?" " Did you?" " I did." "I'm breathing right now." " Who was that?" " Marie." "Oh." " How is she?" " She's good." "Mrs. Lippman's gonna drive me." "No." "I'll drive you." "Hey." "(CAR RADIO PLAYING SLOW SONG)" "This drive is too long." "(SIGHING)" "You know you can't smoke in here." "Why do you have an ashtray?" "It's a bowl." "It completes the room." "OPERATOR:" "Good morning, Hawkins, Stevens, Jacob." "This is a bowl?" " Well, I'm sorry." " JANINE:" "Tyler." "I guess it was just here to tease me." " Hey, Janine." " He's ready for you." " You okay?" " Yeah." " Really?" " Yeah, I'm fine, Janine." "You look like hell, and you smell like beer and cigarettes." " Thank you." " You want me to lie to you?" "Try not to give him a heart attack." "I only came to see how much it cost." "I'm gonna pay you back." " How much what costs?" " The lawyer." "Ah." "That lawyer, Tyler, costs $450 an hour." "Oh, for Christ sake." "CHARLES:" "Tell me about it." "I just wanted you to know that I didn't call you." "It wasn't me." "You could do worse than have a father who bails you out of jail." "That's not even..." "I don't want to be bailed out of anything." "I'll get an invoice from Janine." "TYLER:" "Hey, Michael, remember that Greek myth you read to me about the god who banished all his children to the underworld, and how his youngest son, to get even, castrated him with a sickle?" "It's a little excessive, maybe, but I get it." "(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)" "(STUDENTS CHATTERING)" "(WHISPERING) You're so weird." "Caroline, we have to go to surgery right now." "What did you do to your face?" "I had a horrible threshing accident." " It was horrible." " It was so horrible." " The worst." " You're so retarded." "Hey, I got you something." "This is my favorite book, ever." "Michael used to hit me over the head repeatedly with it until I read it." "It's about all these gods and goddesses who go around acting jealous and petty, and otherwise like regular human beings." " illustrations are pretty cool." " Yeah." "These are cool." "(GIRLS GIGGLING)" "Thanks." "Uh..." " Where are we meeting Mom?" " The Guggenheim." "What's up with these girls?" "They think I'm weird." "Sometimes I sort of space out." "What, when you're drawing?" "Yeah." "Other times, too." "Mademoiselle Fleishman had to snap her fingers at me a lot today, and everybody laughed." "They all think I'm a freak of nature." "Mademoiselle Fleishman." "Ma petite soeurette, une freak of nature." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "French toast." "What are you gonna tell Mom about your face?" " "I finally found something I'm good at"?" " Really?" "PROFESSOR:" "I have a class now." "AIDAN:" "I know." " Are you listening?" "I have a class now." " I know by all numerical measurements, I didn't pass." "But I was hoping that maybe you could give me a grade on my trying-to-pass, my commitment to effort." "It's..." "My commitment to commitment." "You know?" "I don't..." "Look, I'm not..." "I mean..." " Patricia." "Can I call you Patricia?" " No." "I..." "Life is about people and..." "And it's about what people put into people." "And I wanna put something into you." "And I..." "Not..." "I don't wanna..." "I won't put anything into you." "I just wanna..." "You look great." "I love that jacket." "I will..." "I will say you're an angel, Patricia!" "An angel!" "He has got a daughter!" " Who's got a daughter?" " The cop!" "The cop that busted your face all up." "He's got a daughter." "What do you want me to do?" "Kidnap her?" "Of course not!" "We don't have closet space for that." "Just introduce yourself." "You know, go on a few dates." "I don't know." "Be your charming, gentlemanly self, and then flip the script on her." " What's "flip the script"?" " Screw her brains out." "Make her call you Daddy, I don't know." "Just steal her panties and sell them on eBay, or post them on her high school's home page." "I don't know." "Just be creative." "Yeah, you should be incarcerated just on general principle." " I was incarcerated." "You might remember?" " Yeah." "You tell me you don't wanna get back at this asshole, and I'll drop it." "Where's the trash?" "I don't wanna get back at this asshole." " Just meet her." " I don't wanna meet her." " She's cute." " I don't care." " You're meeting her." " No, I'm not." " Yeah, you are." " No, I'm not." "Are, too." "Look, just meet her." "This is one of those things that I'm already regretting." "All right, she was here the other day." "I don't care." "What do you want me to say?" ""Hey, doll face, your dad trampled all over my civil liberties." ""You wanna make out with me?"" "Don't call her "doll face"!" "Moron." " Look, I'm leaving." " (STAMMERING) Would you..." "Look." "All right, there she is." " Who?" " (WHISPERS) The blonde." "I know her." "She's..." "I don't know her, but she's in my global politics class." "There you go!" "Something to open up with." "All right?" "Go get her." "Excuse me?" "Can I bother you for a sec?" "You're already bothering me." "Listen, I'm doing this sociological experiment, and I was just wondering if you could help me out for a second." "You're kidding me, right?" "Can I ask your name?" "Anonymous." "Anonymous." "Is that Greek?" "Okay, Anonymous, you see the guy sitting over there, pretending to read a textbook, looking in this general direction?" "Yeah, he's staring at us." "Subtle." "I have this theory that an objective third party such as yourself could determine how much of an asshole he is just by looking at him." "See, I'm his roommate, and I think I've witnessed too many glaring examples of assoholic behavior that I'm biased as a subject." "But I'm convinced that he has an aura that you can actually perceive." "Who else do you plan on asking?" "I don't know." "I don't think anybody else here fits the criteria." "Attractive, early-twenties female..." " Ah!" "Nineteen." " Nineteen." "I'm..." "That's fine." "Teens." "I can do teens." "(SIGHING) Okay." "Well, typically, you get something for being involved in one of these surveys." "I ran out of my foam fingers a while back, so..." "I don't know, can I take you out to dinner or something?" "Or maybe just have a conversation on the off-chance one of us says something interesting?" "Yeah, see, there is a problem, though, because I don't date sociology majors." "Lucky for you, I'm undecided." "So..." "About what?" "Everything." "I'm Ally." "Ally." "(SOFT SHOULDER PLAYING)" "Don't be mad!" "ALLY:" "Dad, we've seen Erin Brockovich twice already." "You cried both times." " I did not." " It's embarrassing." "(SOFT SHOULDER CONTINUES PLAYING)" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" " Hello?" " TYLER:" "Hello." " Hey, it's Tyler." " Hi." "You're gonna stand me up." "I can feel it." "I can feel it in my bones." "I'm gonna be devastated." "No, no..." "I was just..." "What?" "You were sitting around watching TV in your sweatpants?" "No, I'm not watching TV." "I am just getting dressed and I'm gonna meet you at the place at..." " What time again?" " 8:00." "Right. 8:15." "Okay." "MAN ON TV:" "Remind me." "WOMAN ON TV:" "Erin Brockovich." "Car accident." "Not her fault, she says." "Hey, I'm going out." "I can see that." "Well, you are a trained investigator." " Who are you going with?" " A boy from school." "Okay." " I wasn't asking for permission." " I know." "Just have a good time." "You want cab fare?" "Should I wait up?" "(LAUGHS)" "(HINDI MUSIC PLAYING)" "What desserts do you have?" "(SPEAKING hindi)" "Mango ice cream with nuts and raisins." "Great." "I'll have that and a glass of skim milk." "And then the lamb vindaloo." "Thanks." "Can I have a chicken tikka masala and a Kingfisher, please?" "I have my dessert first." "Oh!" "Is that a political statement?" "Or a medical condition, perhaps?" "I just don't see the point in waiting." "What if I die eating my vindaloo?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" " Is that probable?" " It's possible." "Embolism bursts, asteroid hits the restaurant." "I'd die without having eaten the one thing I wanted most." " I mean, the odds are..." " Tell you what." "Guarantee me, swear to me on your eternal soul that I make it through my entree, and I'll wait." "(SHUSHING)" "Before you answer, if I die, you're gonna have to live the rest of your life knowing not only did you lie to me, but you denied me of my one last indulgence." "My last wish." "Are you prepared to shoulder that kind of responsibility to prove a point?" "(CHUCKLING)" "Don't worry." "I'll share." "I had a nice time." "Yeah?" "You had a nice time, or you're having a nice time?" "'Cause if you're having a nice time, why rush to end it?" "Take a shot." "Three for one. $1." "Okay, come on." "Win a prize." "Win a prize for the pretty lady." "Yeah." "I want the panda." "TYLER:" "How many do you need to get for the panda?" "Three for three." " Let's go." " I knew that." "Almost." "Yeah." "Give me three more." "If I give up, he wins." " Who?" "The attendant?" " The giant freaking panda." "Take it easy, tough guy." "I'm sorry." "All right, three more." "Three more." "Let's do it." "That's another $1." "Yeah, I don't know what you're smiling about." "I won." "Paying off the attendant is not winning." "It's cheating." "By the way, when were you gonna tell me what the hell happened to your face?" "I just got into a bar fight." "Do you want to go for a beer or something?" "No, wait, you can't." "You're too young." "I'm 21." "No, you're not." "You're..." "Did you lie?" " I was trying to get rid of you." " Oh." "(STAMMERING) That hurts." "I'm wounded." "Well, it's getting pretty late, so..." "I'll walk you to the subway." "I'll take a cab." "I never take the subway anyway." "(WHISTLES)" "Okay." " Thanks." " Yeah." "(SIGHS)" "So..." "Uh..." " Not tonight." " Okay." "Not never, just not tonight." " CAB DRIVER:" "Are we going or what?" " Turn on the meter." ""Not never"?" "So dessert first, for fear of asteroid, yes, but kissing a guy you seem to be attracted to, at least," "before driving off into the unknown New York City night alongside a panda you only just met, no?" "Great." "Good." " You're really weird." " Yeah, I know." "I'm going to Queens." "Don't wanna hear about it." "(ON RADIO) Hello, this is Jackie Mason." "Buckle up..." "(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)" " Happy end of 6th grade!" " Finally." "I got into that art program summer thing at Steinhardt." "Yeah, I heard." "It's very prestigious, due to my artistic greatness." "Mmm..." "Don't pretend you're not proud." "You should be." " There's, like, a thing." " A thing?" "A show where you show what you've done and stuff." "Will you come?" "Um..." "I'll have to check my book." "Abso-freaking-lutely." "What, are you insane?" "I'm gonna be there the day before." "I'm gonna camp out." "Your school's over, right?" "Mom and Les are gonna get the beach house again?" "Yeah." " What are we gonna do for your birthday?" " Nothing." " Can we have a party?" " No." "A little one." "At Mom's, with Aidan." " I'll make Mom behave." "No crying." " Like that's even possible." "(HANGING WITH THE WRONG CROWD PLAYING)" "TYLER:" "I know." "We live like pigs." "But" "I do have a coaster, if you want a coaster." "Don't do coasters till the third date." "(LAUGHS)" "Hey, who's that?" "That's Michael." "That's my brother." "He kind of looks like you." " Does he play around here?" " Not anymore." "Do you play?" "(LAUGHS)" "Well, it depends who you ask." "It turns out that you need talent." "So, what talents do you actually possess, Tyler?" "Not a lot." "I, uh..." "I used to do a bit of falconry when I was a kid." "I mean, I come from a long line of Irish falconers." "No, there is..." "Oh!" "I don't know if this qualifies as a talent, but..." " What is that?" " This is our appetizer." "I mean, it used to say, "In case of Asteroid,"" "but Aidan, my roommate, got high, and I was in the shower." "(SIGHS)" "So..." "What kind of grade did you get from Vogelstein?" "I don't really get grades." "I'm not technically enrolled." "I just worked out this auditing thing." "Huh." "So the Strand isn't a significant career choice, either?" "No, I just like the books." "What are you doing?" " You don't need to help me." " Yeah, well, at the rate you're going, dishwashing's gonna be, like, your life's vocation." "(SCREAMS)" "What?" "Huh." "So, this is the whole playful "you get me all wet" part, right?" " Why make it sound cheap?" " It is cheap." "I've seen this scene 100 times." "You know what never happens in this scene, though," "Tyler-who-doesn't-really-go-to-school?" "Tyler-who-doesn't-really- care-about-his-job?" " What?" " Nope?" "That." "(ALLY SCREAMS)" "You better apologize!" " Never!" " Apologize!" "Your middle name is Keats?" "God, your parents are pretentious as hell." " You better apologize." " Never!" " Apologize!" " I'd rather eat monkeys!" "Oh, God." "Not in the plans!" "Not in the plans!" "(ALLY LAUGHING)" "I surrender." "I surrender." "Jeez." "(ALLY LAUGHING)" "You're relentless." " Victory at all costs." " Oh, man..." "Now I'm pissed." "You should quit anyway." "Why is that?" "Are cigarettes bad for you or something?" "Do you want a sweatshirt or something?" "I'm okay." "Thanks." "You know, the only time I ever smoked was at the roller disco at the Y." "I choked so bad, Mr. Demmick gave me the Heimlich." "On skates?" "That's actually quite impressive." "I never really thought of it that way." "Tattoo, huh?" "Let me see." "What is it, like a Chinese character or something?" "'Cause I know this guy who got a Chinese character, and he thought it said..." "(STAMMERING) Sorry." "I didn't know." "(SIGHS)" "He killed himself." "When?" "On his 22nd birthday." "He'd just started working for my father." "I thought he was a musician." "Yeah, he was." "But he wasn't making any money." "And my dad's a pretty compelling guy." "Yeah." "So is mine." "(EXCLAIMING)" " (IN IRISH ACCENT) Damn, you're not naked!" " You're not Irish." "What the hell happened in the kitchen?" "It looks like somebody's water broke in there." "It's gross." " Hi." " ALLY:" "Hi." "Aidan, this is Ally." " Ally, Ally..." " Ally, Aidan." "This is my roommate." "Nice to meet you." " I work out." " You're the assoholic." "Yeah." "Well, I..." "Wait." "What?" "(ALLY LAUGHING)" "Okay, "Around The World" party, third floor." "Come on, let's go." "There's a whole lot of ugly, but there's a lot more alcohol, so..." "Come on, let's go." "Yeah, I would, I'd love to, but I should get home." "What?" "No, no, no." "All right, listen, listen, listen." "Ally?" "Ally, Ally?" "One drink." "Any country you want." "I'll even put France on the table." "Come on." "And then we'll go." "One drink?" " One drink?" " One drink." "(RETCHING)" "How are we doing?" "What?" "What?" "What do you want me to say?" "You want me to say I'm sorry?" "You want me to apologize for showing a nice girl a good time?" " I'm sorry." " ALLY:" "Tyler," "I need you to call my dad." "Yeah, sure." "Where's your phone?" "(COUGHING)" "Ally, your phone's dead." "Ally?" "What's his number?" "(SIGHS)" "God damn." "NEIL:" "Do you think I give a shit how late it is?" "I know she's a smart girl, Leo." "She's supposed to be back." "She's not back." "Leo, don't go there." "All right?" "I want..." "I want you to call Ted Proferes!" "Yeah." "And call me back." "God damn it, just do it!" "Oh, shit." "Shit!" "(GROANS)" "I'm sorry." "I fell asleep." "Asleep where?" "My phone died, so..." " That's mine." "That's from my desk." " I was trying to find some information." "What am I now, one of your suspects?" "When you act like one." "Are you on anything?" " Oh, for God's sake." " Don't use that tone with me, Ally." "I smell alcohol." "Yeah, so do I." "What's going on here, Ally?" "Are you trying to tell me something with this?" "You're all grown up now?" "Yeah, maybe it's time you get used to it, Dad, before you give yourself a heart attack." "Who's the guy?" " God, what makes you think there's a guy?" " Yeah, he's a real prince." "He gets you drunk, sends you home smelling like a brewery, smelling like God knows what." " You sure can pick them." " Yeah, I take after my mother." " I'm not a child, okay?" " Hey!" "In this house, you are!" "You'd love that!" "You're pathetic!" "Would you strangle me 'cause you couldn't save Mom..." "Ally?" "Ally?" "(PANTING)" "Don't touch me!" "Don't..." "(ALLY CRYING)" "So, what?" "She just left?" "No goodbye?" "You were the one dumping Jell-O shots down her throat." "Hey, there are sins of omission and sins of commission." "I've forgiven myself, okay?" "You should do the same." "All right, here we go." "Come on!" "(GRUNTING) Come on!" "Here we go!" "Here we go!" "Got it!" "Okay!" "Okay..." "Don't think I can..." "Crushing!" "It's crushing!" "I need a little help here!" "Tyler!" " What the hell, man?" " It's penance." "I'm going to work." "Help!" "TYLER:" "Well, if you had another one of those protein shakes..." "Yeah, but it was freaking crushing my sternum, you jackass." "Hey." "(SOFT SONG PLAYING)" "How's she doing?" "She's pretty shaken up." "We need to fix that deadbolt." "Yeah." "That's my bad." "Don't worry about it." "Do you think she's gonna sleep?" "You know, you realize if she'd had the S.L.U. T..." "Is it too soon?" "I told her she can stay here." "Is that all right?" " Yeah." "As long as she needs." " Thank you." "You're up." " Can I get you anything?" " No." "Aidan left." "So, yeah, I'll be in here if you need something." "(BOTH PANTING)" "Thanks, honey." "See you later." "I can't believe you still come down here." "I can't believe he still drinks that stuff." "Well, you know how it goes." "You can take the kid out of Brooklyn..." "You're not writing anything bad about me, are you?" "Not today." "I gotta run." "Early meetings." "In case I don't see you before Saturday, happy birthday." "I'll tell your father you said hello." "Bye, doll." "AIDAN:" "Bialy." "Thank you." " Hey." " Hey." " Where you been?" " Downtown, near Wall Street." " Why?" " I went to a coffee shop." "I got you a bialy." "Thanks." "Yeah." "You realize New York's full of coffee shops?" "Yeah, it was me and Michael's place." "We used to go there for breakfast all the time." "I mean, probably not as many times as I think we did, but enough." "We went there on the morning that..." "It was the last place I saw him." "You go there to write to him?" "I just wanted to tell someone about you." "My mom was murdered 10 years ago." "You don't have to say anything." "You're sorry." "I know." "And my dad..." "My dad's the kind of guy who needs to take care of people." "I know that sounds kind of weird right now, but he's not that guy." "You know, I trust him." "I really do." "And I just don't want you to think that I'm here 'cause he's some crazy, belligerent person." "He just doesn't understand, or..." "I don't know, just doesn't know what's going on right now." "What's going on right now?" "I don't know." " Did you call dispatch to check?" " I..." "You're gonna have to testify to this!" "And they're gonna ask you, "Are you sure of the time?"" "And you're gonna say what?" " 8:15?" " Come on, you..." " Neil." " What?" "Hey," " Ally called Sharon." " What?" "She said to tell you that she's with friends and she's doing fine." " Which friends?" " She didn't say." "That's all?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry, buddy." "Look, why don't you come out for the weekend?" "We'll get the grill going." "Sharon wants to see you," " and we'll call some nice people up..." " No." " Come out to Patchogue, Neil..." " No, Leo." "Stop!" "(SIGHS)" "CAROLINE:" "Make a wish!" "DIANE:" "Come on..." "AIDAN:" "All right!" " Yeah!" " Big two-two!" "CAROLINE:" "Big 22!" "AIDAN:" "Yeah!" " Wait..." "Right, two, three..." " Think one, two, three..." "DIANE:" "Look at her." " One, two, three..." " Tyler?" "I'm worried." "I'm concerned her father isn't gonna come to her show." "Well, yeah." "I'd be worried, too." "I was hoping for some reassurance." " One, two, three..." " Spin." "Got that." "DIANE:" "She's gonna be heartbroken." "TYLER:" "Listen..." "I'll get him there." " You will?" "Really?" " Yeah, Mom." "I'll get him there." " Thanks." " Aidan." "Aidan, get your..." " One, two, three." "One..." " Two, three..." "Get your filthy hands off my sister." "Thank God." " Madame." " Tyler." "So, you're actually the second member of the family that I've washed dishes with." "Tyler?" "He's never washed a dish in his life." "He must have tried to impress you." "Ah..." " He says you're in social work." " Mmm-hmm." "ALLY:" "Did you go to school for that?" "(CELL PHONE KEYS BEEPING)" "MAN:" "They're afraid to move at all." "They're certainly not gonna come down." "CHARLES:" "That's why they're gonna come down." "Charles, it's your son." " What?" " JANINE:" "He's on the phone." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Tyler, you're on speakerphone." " Yeah, I'm calling about Caroline's art show." " What about it?" "Hold on." "(INAUDIBLE)" "No." "Yes." "Tyler?" "Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner beforehand." "What?" "Do you want to have dinner before?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that would be fine." "I'll have Janine make a reservation somewhere nice, like the..." "I don't know, the Oak Room." "No, that's not what I mean." "How many?" "Tyler, how many?" "Three." "All right." "Three it is." "It's 22 today, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Happy birthday." "Yeah, thanks." "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "Enter." "TYLER:" "We're gonna go." "Thanks for the party, Maestro." "Did it suck?" "(LAUGHING) Ha, ha!" " ALLY:" "Hey." " Hey." " I'll go and get us a cab." " Okay." "Wow!" "Can I see?" "That's exactly him." "It's like the cigarette's the last Coke in the desert." " I can't believe he smokes in front of you." " Don't worry, I'm not that impressionable." "You know, when I was younger, we didn't have air conditioning in the house, so during the summer, my mom and I would go to museums to cool off." "She loved them all, but the Met was her favorite." "Yeah." "The Met's one of my favorite places" " in the world." " Yeah?" "So, you've got an art exhibit coming up?" "Yeah." "You mind if I come?" "I mean, I understand if you don't want some random girl there." "You're not random." "You're Tyler's girlfriend." "GEORGE W. BUSH ON TV:" "And while we must devote enormous energy to conquering disease, it is equally important that we pay attention to the moral concerns raised by the new frontier of human embryo stem cell research." "Even the most noble ends do not justify any means." "Embryonic stem cell research offers both great promise and great peril..." "Have you ever been to the Oak Room before?" "Oh, yeah." "I come here all the time with my dad and his bowling buddies." "He can stand me up, but he can't stand you up." "And he can't stand my sister up." " Can I get another whiskey, please?" " CHARLES:" "Give me the same, Sean." " Laphroaig." "Neat." " Yes." " And for the lady?" " I'm still good." "Thanks." "Alyssa Craig, this is my father, Charles Hawkins." "Ally." " It's a pleasure." " Pleasure." "So, you're going to be a social worker?" "Yeah." "But with a focused area of responsibility." " Makes it easier to get a job." " I see." "What area is that going to be?" " Criminal justice." " That's a..." "That's a tough area." "When I was a kid, I wanted to play shortstop for the Mets." "I don't think it's any harder than that." "The Mets!" "(LAUGHS)" "I'm from Queens." "My father's a Yankees fan." "It has something to do with the payroll." "It has something to do with significant ball-playing." "Right." "You were a Yankees fan when you were little." "You were Lou Piniella for Halloween." "Just blind familial allegiance." "That's before I knew what overpaid, overfed, fat bastards they were." "Who's fat?" "What Yankee is fat?" "Tell me." "It's a metaphor." "Roger Clemens." "(SCOFFS)" "Luis Sojo." "Shane Spencer." "He's big-boned." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Dessert now?" " Does this still count as your entree?" " People can change." "So how long has your dad been a cop?" "Twenty-two years." "Would you excuse me?" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "I'm so sorry." "Hey." "It's just a phone call." "At least he waited till dessert." "You're killing me." "Look, you're killing me right now." "Okay?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" " I'm so sorry." "And your mother?" " She passed away when I was 11." "She was murdered, and I was there." "I never mentioned that part." "Why are you saying this now?" "I don't know." "And here you are." "Here I am." "He's not so bad." "Oh, God." "No, don't say it." "I've got to go to the office." "(SIGHS)" " Listen, the exhibit runs till 9:00." " No, you have somewhere else to be." " You guys take my car, and I'II..." " I don't believe you!" " That's all there is, Tyler." " That's all there is?" "That's all there is?" "Take the car." "I'll get a cab, and I'll meet you there." "It's not enough." "It's not enough." "LES:" "Do I actually look like that?" "ALLY:" "Oh, no." "It was probably just the lighting." "I brought you every single flavor." "I'm ready to go home now." "TYLER:" "Ally." "God, Tyler?" "Can we at least talk about this?" "Where are you going to go right now?" "And what are you gonna do that's actually gonna help anything?" "Do you really think..." "You better look after yourself for an hour." "Are you capable of doing that?" "Are you guys telling me you get the call at 6:00, and I don't get it till 8:00 tonight?" "Now, I don't know what's going on, but someone's dropped the ball here..." " Tyler!" " Mr. Hawkins!" "It's fine, Janine." "It's fine." "She drew you a picture." "She drew you a picture, and you didn't come." "Put it on the table." "You have a daughter who sincerely believes that you don't like her." "I mean, she's trying to communicate." "She's speaking." "But why aren't you listening?" "I mean, why aren't you riveted?" "Why is this not the most important thing, just for one night?" "JANINE: (SOFTLY) Tyler." " We can come back." " No, it's fine." "Sit down." "Sit down." "It's okay." "Who's this display for?" "It's for you." "She knows I'll take care of her." "And?" " MAN:" "We really can come back another..." " Sit the fuck down!" "Now!" "And that I love her." "I love her." "Good God, you toss that word around, but you have no idea what it means!" "Maybe I don't." " And maybe Caroline doesn't, either." " I have provided her world, and yours." "That doesn't mean you can just shatter it whenever you feel," "(STAMMERING) Whenever there's something better to do!" "Who the hell do you think you're talking to?" "You pedaled down here on your bike, for Christ's sake!" "You gotta take care of nothing!" "You're responsible for no one!" "You're a kid!" "You think you're the first one to lose anything?" "You think that whatever you feel in your heart, I don't also feel it in mine?" "You didn't find him." "See, I found him." "And you're so just tragically blind that the rest of your children are gonna hang themselves on your watch." "You little piece of..." "Come over here, I'm gonna smack you." " What?" "What?" " JANINE:" "No." "No!" "Tyler!" "Get out of here!" "Get out of here!" "(GRUNTING)" "God, there's no frigging air in here!" "Hey!" "Hey." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey." "Come here." "It's okay." "It's okay, baby." "Come here." "It's okay, baby." "Baby, it's okay." "It's okay." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Okay?" "It's okay." "ALLY: (ON SPEAKER) Dad, it's me." "I just wanted to let you know I'm okay, and..." "I'm going away for Labor Day." "Yeah, well, I hope you're good, and I'll talk to you sometime." "Okay." "Bye." "Dad, it's me." "I just wanted to let you know I'm okay, and..." "I'm going away for Labor Day." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "LES:" "Second word." "DIANE:" "Long-armed?" "LES:" "Trunk?" "DIANE:" "Breathing?" " Referee?" " Direction?" "LES:" "The wall..." "The wall." "DIANE:" "High?" "LES:" "You're climbing over the wall." "Over the hill..." "I want a girlfriend." " What?" " Dinners out." "Movies." "Regular sex." "I could handle that for, like, a summer." " You're such a romantic." " Yeah, damn right." "I've been romantic with all the races." " Excuse me?" " I have planted my flag in every continent." "(LAUGHS)" " So, white girl." " Please." "It's like falling off a log." "Asian." "(SPEAKS FRENCH)" "Um..." " Eskimo." " CONDUCTOR:" "Next stop, Patchogue." " No!" " Monica Impellie." "She works at the public library on 96th Street." " You slept with an Eskimo?" " You went to the library?" " ALLY:" "I don't believe you." " Fine." " She's a nice girl." " ALLY:" "Prove it. 10 bucks." "AIDAN:" "You wanna go to the library?" "ALLY:" "The second we get off this train." " AIDAN:" "Fine." " Are you coming?" "No, I'm gonna skip this particular bloodbath, thank you." "SHARON:" "Leo." "You're off duty." "CONDUCTOR:" "Station stop is Patchogue." "Where is she?" " What are you doing in my house?" " Where is my daughter?" "She's at the library." "Does she know?" " No." " No, I didn't think so." "I figured you'd probably leave it up to me when you're done with her." "I'm not going anywhere." "Boy, that's true." "Tyler Hawkins." "Son of Charles and Diane." "Brother of Caroline and Michael, deceased." "Suicide by hanging." "You're kind of lost, aren't you?" "Take a little vacation in coach before finding your way back to first class?" "You think you know me, but you don't." "But I do know you." "I know you got nothing." "I know you threw away the one person that gave a shit." "Now you wanna blame me." "That's all right." "But you know what?" "I did the whole thing for a bet anyway." "(NEIL GRUNTING)" "(GASPING)" "(CHOKING)" "Get a fucking deadbolt!" "Tyler Keats Hawkins!" "You are never gonna believe this!" "He banged an Inuit!" "And she's really nice and really smart, and I really don't get it." "What's wrong?" "Your dad was here." "Wait..." "What?" " Your dad was here when I got home." " Shit." "Shit!" "Okay, what did he say?" "I know him." "He arrested me and Aidan before I met you." "(STAMMERING) The gash on my eye?" "That was him." "(STAMMERING) I don't really understand." "I mouthed off to him and he responded." "And then Aidan saw you guys at school, so he suggested that" "I introduce myself to you." "I feel sick." "Ally." "Ally." "Ally." " What are you doing?" " What does it look like?" "But you don't need to do that." "Do you even realize what you've done?" "Ally." "I mean, did you really think I would never find out?" "I had to find out eventually." "You set it up that way." "Ally, it doesn't mean anything." "It's not a big deal." " I didn't mean to hurt you." " That's exactly what you meant to do." "AIDAN:" "You had to tell her eventually, man." "She'll be back." "You're not supposed to use that on nonstick pans." "It takes off the Teflon." "You gotta let it soak." "Okay." "I'm gonna..." " I don't feel so good." " Oh, come on." "It's supposed to be fun." "You know, maybe if you tried to meet people halfway, you know, put a little bit of effort in?" "If you tried to grow up a little?" "Maybe..." "Caroline." "(GROANS)" "Emily." "Emily!" "Come on, the door." " CAROLINE:" "Happy birthday." " Hi, sweetie." " Can you hold on a second?" "Yeah." " Thank you." "Thanks." "Okay." "Come on in, sweetie." "Come on in." "The party's right in there." "Yeah." "I know." "I need ice." "Ice." "Yeah." "Napkins would be good." "GIRL 1:" "Oh, wait!" "Liz has gotta find her." "GIRL 2:" "Yeah." "(POP MUSIC PLAYING)" "(GIRLS CHATTERING)" " I didn't do this for you." " Thanks, dude." " Where's my big guy?" " GIRL:" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, no." "(GIRL SCREAMING)" "JIM'S DAD:" "Jim!" "I got here a little early." "JIM:" "Get out!" " JIM'S DAD:" "I'll wait in the car." " JIM:" "Go, Dad!" "Oh, my..." "GIRL:" "Who is that?" "Is that your dad?" "JIM:" "Yeah..." "JIM'S DAD:" "So, I'm just..." "I'm not embarrassed." "JIM:" "I am!" "Mom?" "I'm okay." "Don't panic." "I'm gonna be fine." " I just need you to come get me right away." " WOMAN:" "You've gotta get over here." "Someone cut a chunk out of this little girl's hair." "CAROLINE:" "Come quickly." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Hi." "Is..." "Alyssa Craig, does she live here?" "Okay." "Great." "That's..." "I'm..." "You think I don't remember you?" " No, sir." " ALLY:" "Who is it?" "It's okay." "So, what do you want?" "Look." "I'm a prick." "You know?" "And..." "And?" "(NEIL CLEARING THROAT)" "Dad!" "Look, Tyler's not." " Look, I..." " (STAMMERING) Would you just wait?" "Shit!" "All right, I'm not..." "I'm not any good at this." "All right?" "It's not my thing." "He lied to me." "Big time." "He's in love with you." "I have only seen him look at one other girl the way he looks at you." "And she's a lot shorter and shares his DNA." "You don't have to forgive him today." "Just forgive him." "Yeah." "She's pretty traumatized." " DIANE:" "No!" "I'm trying." " I wanted to pull some names together in case we all decided she should talk to someone." "DIANE:" "I just talked to her." "No." "LES:" "Diane's pretty upset, too." "DIANE:" "That's what I'm trying to tell you." "LES:" "No, the girls are saying Caroline did it to herself." " DIANE:" "But it's not true!" " Yeah." "All of them." "TYLER: "...he sang almost as beautifully."" "LES:" "It didn't happen on school property, so..." ""When he was grown, he left his mother..."" "LES:" "The school's not gonna do anything." "Yeah, they're probably gonna get away with it." ""...and his eight loving aunts," ""and he went to live in his father's kingdom of Thrace" ""to bring the joy of music to earth." "His voice rang so pure and true" ""that the fiercest warriors put down their swords" ""and savage beasts lay spellbound at his feet."" "AIDAN:" "You give me the word and I will steal their bikes." "DIANE:" "Ally." "It's so sweet of you to come." "It's my last one ever." "I swear." "Look, I..." "I know you're not here for me." "And I don't..." "Just thank you for being here anyway." "And for what it's worth, I think you're amazing." "How is she?" "Huh?" "TYLER:" "She's asleep." " Are you okay?" " Yeah." "All right." "Did you do something different with your hair?" "I love it." "GIRL:" "Yeah, it's beautiful." "(GIRLS LAUGHING)" "TEACHER:" "Okay." "Okay, that's enough." "Enough!" "Excuse me!" "What are you doing?" "Stop!" "(TEACHER GASPING)" "BAILIFF:" "Hawkins." "You posted." "Destruction of private property." "Felony trespassing." " I didn't call you." " I know you didn't." "I have unleashed a raging shit storm of epic proportions on the board of trustees of that pissant school that will not abate until those girls seek enrollment elsewhere." "I give them a week." "I know you think I'm a prick, but I have my uses." "Can you come by the office and talk to the lawyers?" "Okay." "Try not to vandalize any more schools in the meantime." " Thanks for bailing me out." " No problem!" " Hi." " ALLY:" "Hey." "Hey, using your little sister is dirty pool." "Is it working?" "Maybe." "Hey." "Hey." "I gotta go to my dad's office." "Say hi to him for me." "I love you." "Good." "I love you, too." "Hey, French toast or pancakes?" " It doesn't matter." " AIDAN:" "French toast." " Hey." "Good morning." " What are you doing here?" "Well, Tyler's coming by the office, and I just thought I'd ride to school with Caroline." " Is that okay?" " Okay." "Sure." " Yeah." "Great." " Good." "Good." " All right..." " She's not ready, though." " Don't worry about it." "That's okay." " She's gonna need at least 20 minutes." " I'll wait." "I'm here, right downstairs." " Okay." "Okay." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Are you running late, or are you canceling altogether?" "CHARLES:" "Are you already on your way?" "I'm already here." "I'm taking Caroline to school." "Okay." "I'll wait in your office." " It may be a while." " That's okay." "That's fine." " Is Janine in?" " She went for coffee." "She getting me any?" "Just kidding." "AIDAN: (CHUCKLING) You're bad." "Dirty girl." "What?" "Of course I was gonna call you!" "You didn't think I forgot about you?" "How could I forget you?" "(GIGGLING)" "Good morning, ladies." "GIRLS:" "Good morning, Miss Giglio." "Settle down." "JANINE:" "Good morning, Mr. Hawkins." " TYLER:" "Do you know about these?" " Who do you think scanned all the pictures?" "Look at you." "How old would he be?" "He would've been 28 in May." "It's really been that long?" "I could've sworn..." "It was May 20, 1995." "I should be able to remember that." "I'm sorry." "(SIGHS)" "It's all right." "(SIGHING) What a day." "TEACHER:" "Caroline?" "Hello?" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON THE STREET)" "TYLER:" "Whatever you do in life will be insignificant," "but it's very important that you do it, because nobody else will." "Like when someone comes into your life, and half of you says, "You're nowhere near ready,"" "but the other half says," ""Make her yours forever."" "(INAUDIBLE)" "Michael," "Caroline asked me what I would say if I knew you could hear me." "I said I do know." ""I love you." ""God, I miss you." ""And I forgive you."" "(INAUDIBLE)"