"You look smart, Mr Blackadder." "Going somewhere nice?" " No, I'm off to the theatre." " Don't you like it, then?" "No, I don't!" "A lot of stupid actors strutting around shouting, with their chests thrust out so far, you'd think their nipples were attached to a pair of charging elephants!" "And the worst thing about it is having to go with Prince Mini-Brain!" " Doesn't he like it, either?" " He loves it." "The problem is that he doesn't realise it's made up." "Last year, when Brutus was about to kill Julius Caesar, the Prince yelled out," ""Look behind you, Mr Caesar!"" "I can't see the point in the theatre." "All that sex and violence" " I get enough of that at home." "Except for the sex, of course." "I want you to give this palace a good clean." "It's so dirty, it'd be unacceptable to a dung-beetle that had lost interest in its career and really let itself go." "(GEORGE):" "Come on, Blackadder, or we'll miss the first act!" "Coming, sir, as fast as I can!" "Stick the kettle on, Baldrick." "Now, sir, give I this advice to thee:" "Never, never, never trust thine enemy." "Agh!" "Aaaaaagh!" "(MALE VOICE 1):" "Thy life is forfeit, sir..." "(MALE VOICE 2):" "Aaagh..." "Thy life is forfeit, sir, and at an end, like our poor play." "We hope it pleased you, friends." "Certainly not, you murdering rotter!" "Guards, arrest that man!" " Your Highness, it's only a play." " What about the poor fellow who's dead?" "Saying "it's only a play" will not feed and clothe the little ones he leaves behind." "Call the militia!" "Sir, he's not dead." "See, he stands, awaiting your applause." "Oh, I say, that's very clever." "He really isn't dead." "Bravo!" "Bravo!" " Blast, the Prince likes it!" " Shit, we'll close tonight." "(SCREAMING AND COMMOTION) Work for the weavers!" "Smash the Spinning Jenny!" "Burn the Rolling Rosalind!" "Destroy the Going Up and Down a Bit and then Moving Along Gertrude!" "And death to the stupid Prince who grows fat on the profits!" "I say, how exciting!" "This play's getting better and better!" "Bravo!" "(BLACKADDER):" "It's not a play any more, sir." "(BLACKADDER):" "Put the bomb down and make your way quietly to the exit." "Blackadder, your problem is, you can't tell when something's real and when it's not." "I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave." "Why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill you ?" " I think it might've been you he was after, sir." " Hogwash!" "What on earth makes you say that?" "Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words "Death to the stupid Prince"." "It was a bit rude, wasn't it?" "These are volatile times, Your Highness." "The American Revolution lost your father the Colonies, the French Revolution murdered brave King Louis and there are tremendous rumblings in Prussia, although that might be something to do with the sausages." "The whole world cries out, "Peace, freedom, and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie."" "Well, yes, quite, something must be done." "Any ideas?" "Yes, sir." "Next week is your royal father's birthday celebrations." "I suggest that I write a brilliant speech for you to recite, to show the oppressed masses how unusually sensitive you are." "Tell me about these "oppressed masses", what are they so worked up about?" "Because they are so poor, they are forced to have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas." "Disease and depravation stalk our land like...two giant stalking things." " And the working man is poised to overthrow us." " Oh my God, and here he is!" " Don't be silly, sir." "That's Baldrick, my dogsbody." " He looks like an oppressed mass to me." " Get him out of here at once!" " Shoo, Baldrick, carry on cleaning elsewhere." "By the end of tonight, I want that dining table so clean I can eat my dinner off it." "Crikey, Blackadder, I'm dicing with death here." "The sooner I can show how unusually sensitive I am, the better." " Oh, I just had another brilliant thought." " Another one, Your Highness?" "Yes, another one, actually!" "You remember that one I had about wearing underwear on the outside to save on laundry bills?" "Why don't we ask those two actors we saw tonight to teach me how to recite your speech?" " Brilliant, eh?" " No, Your Highness, feeble." "What?" "I would advise against it." "It's a feeble idea." "Well, tish and pish to your advice, Blackadder!" "Get them here at once!" "I'm fed up with you treating me as if I'm some kind of thickie." "It's not me that's thick, it's you!" "I'm the bloody Prince and you're only a butler." "Now go and get those actors here this minute, Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky." " Mrs Miggins, I'm looking for a couple of actors." " Well, you've come to the right place, Mr B." "There's more Shakespearian dialogue in here than there are buns." "All my lovely actors pop in on their way to rehearsals for a little cup of coffee and a big dollop of inspiration." "You mean they actually rehearse?" "I thought they got drunk, stuck on a silly hat and trusted to luck." "Oh, no!" "There's ever so much hard work that goes into the wonderful magic that is theatre today." "Still I don't expect you'd know much about that, being only a little butler." "They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain." "They are of course wrong, as you'll soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head." "(VOICE FROM OUTSIDE):" "Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome Mr David Keanrick." " And the fabulous Mr Enoch Mossop." " (MRS M):" "Hurrah!" "Gentlemen, gentlemen!" "Settle down, settle down, settle down." "I'm sorry, no autographs." " The usual, Mrs M." " Coming up, my lovely." "Well, if I can just squeeze through this admiring rabble." "Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition." "How dare you, sir." "You think just because we're actors we sleep with everyone." "I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone." "I come here on behalf of my employer, to ask for some elocution lessons." "I fear, sir, that is quite impossible." "We are in the middle of rehearsing our new play." "We could not possibly betray our beloved audience by taking time off." "Oh no, mustn't upset the punters." "Bums on seats, laddie, bums on seats." "And what play is this?" "It is a piece we penned ourselves, called "The Bloody Murder of the Foul Prince Romero and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife"." "A philosophical work, then." "Indeed yes, sir." "The violence of the murder and the vastness of the bosom are entirely justified artistically." " Right, I'll tell the Prince that you can't make it." " Prince?" "Sorry, yes, didn't I mention that?" "It's the Prince Regent." "Shame you can't make it." "No, no, no, please, no." "Please wait, sir." "Off, off!" " I think we can find some time, Mr Keanrick." " Definitely, Mr Mossop." "No, you've got your beloved audience to think about." " Sod the proles!" "We'll come." " Yes, worthless bastards to a man." "It's nice to see artistic integrity thriving so strongly in the acting community." "This afternoon at four, then, at the Palace." " Well, what do you think?" " Are you ill or something?" "No, I'm simply trying to look more like an actor." " I'm sure you don't need the false moustache." " No?" "Ow!" "Egads, it's that oppressed mass again!" "That is Baldrick spring cleaning." "Oh yes, so it is." " Finish the job later, Baldrick." " The cleaning or the being strangled?" "Either suits me." "This is all getting a bit hairy, isn't it?" "Are you sure we can even trust these acting fellows?" "Last time, three of them murdered Julius Caesar, and one of them was his best friend Brutus." "As I've told you about eight times, the man playing Julius Caesar was an actor called Kemp." " Really?" " Yes." "Thundering gherkins!" "Brutus must have been pretty miffed when he found out." "What?" "That he hadn't killed Caesar after all, just some poxy actor called Kemp." "Do you think he went to Caesar's place after the play and killed him then?" "Oh, God, it's pathetic!" "(KNOCKING)" "(KNOCKING CONTINUES)" " Is that the door?" " Don't worry, it's just the actors." "My uncle Baldrick was in a play once." "It was called Macbeth." " And what did he play?" " Second codpiece." "Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes." "So he was a stunt codpiece?" "Did he have a large part?" "Depends who's playing Macbeth." "Incidentally, Baldrick, actors are very superstitious." "On no account mention the word "Macbeth" this evening, all right?" "It brings them bad luck and it makes them very unhappy." " Oh, so you won't be mentioning it either?" " No." "Well, not very often." "You should have knocked." "Our knocks, impertinent butler, were loud enough to wake the hounds of hell." " Lead on, McDuff." " I shall." "Lest you continue in your quotation and mention the name of the Scottish play." "Never fear, I shan't do that." "By the Scottish play, I assume you mean Macbeth." "Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends." "Ow!" " What was that?" " We were exorcising evil spirits." "Being but a mere butler, you will not know the great theatre tradition that one does never speak the name of the Scottish play." "What, Macbeth?" "Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends." "Ow!" "You mean you have to do that every time I say "Macbeth"?" "Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends." "Ow!" "Will you please stop saying that!" "Always call it "the Scottish play"." " You want me to say "the Scottish Play"?" " Yes!" "Rather than "Macbeth"?" "Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends." "Ow!" "For heaven's sake, what is all this hullabaloo, all this shouting and yelling blue murder?" "It's like that play we saw the other day, what was it called?" "Macbeth, sir." "Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends." "Ow!" " No, no, it was called Julius Caesar." " Ah yes, of course, Julius Caesar." "Not Macbeth." "Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends." "Ow!" " Are you sure you want these people to stay?" " I asked them, didn't I, Mr Thicky Butler." "Your Royal Highness, may I say what a great honour it is to be invited?" " Why certainly." " Thank you." "What a great honour it is to be invited here to make merry, in the halls of our King's loins' most glorious outpouring." "Ugh!" "Now, Your Highness, shall we begin straight away?" " Now, I've got this..." " Before we inspect the script, let us have a look at stance." "The ordinary fellow stands like, well, as you do now." "Whereas your hero...stands thus." "Right, sort of like this..." "Excellent, Your Highness." "Even more so..." "Like that?" "(CREAKING NOISE)" " What was that noise?" " It wasn't me." "We are used to standing in this position." "(ANOTHER CREAK)" "It came from over here." " Anarchist!" " Cleaner!" "So you've had a wash, that's no excuse!" " That is Baldrick spring cleaning." " But look, he's got a bomb!" "It's not a bomb, sir, it's a sponge." "So it is." "Get it out of here at once before it explodes." "Now, stance." "I'm sorry about that." "I think we really had something there." "Yes, Your Highness." "Your very posture tells me "Here is a man of true greatness"." "Either that, or "Here are my genitals, please kick them."" "Sir, I really must ask that this ill-educated oaf be removed from the room." "Get out!" "Your presence here is as useful as fine bone china at a tea-party for drunken elephants." "Is that right?" "Well, yes, get out Blackadder, and stop corking our juices." "Certainly, Your Highness." "I'll leave you to dribble in private." " Something wrong, Mr B?" " I've had it up to here with that Prince." " One more insult, and I'll hand in my notice." " Does that mean I'll be butler?" "Not unless some kindly surgeon cuts your head open with a spade and sticks a new brain in it." "I don't know why I put up with it." "Every year at the Guild of Butlers' Christmas Party" "I have to wear the red nose for winning the "Who's got the stupidest master" competition." "All I can say is, he'd better watch out!" "One more foot wrong and the contract between us will be as broken as this milk-jug." " But that milk-jug isn't broken." " You really do walk into these things." "Excellent." "And now, sir, at last, the speech." "Right." "No, Your Royal Highness." "What have you forgotten?" "If I stand any more heroically than this," "I'm in danger of seriously disappointing my future Queen." "No, Your Highness, not the stance, the rosr." " You want me to roar?" " Of course we wish you to roar." "All great orators roar before commencing their speeches." "It is the way of things." "Mr Keanrick, from your Hamlet, please." "Ooooooo, to be or not to be." "From your Julius Caesar." "Ooooooo, friends, Romans, countrymen..." "From your leading character, in a play connected with Scotland." "That's Macbeth, isn't it?" "Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends." "Ow!" "Let's all roar together, shall we?" "One, two, three..." "Oooooooo!" "Excellent, Your Highness." "Now, shall we try putting it all together?" "Rooooaaarr!" "Unaccustomed as I am..." "No, no, no." "Alas, I fear you mew it like a frightened tree." "May I see the speech?" "Who wrote this drivel?" "Is there a problem with the speech?" "Well, yes, there is a problem, actually." "The problem is that you wrote it," "Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly- Can't-Write-For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed!" "Whoops!" "Shall I get their supper, sir?" "Yes, preferably something that has first passed through the digestive system of the cat." " And you'll have to take it up yourself." " Why?" "Because I'm leaving, Baldrick." "I'm about to enter the job market." "Right, let's see." "Situations vacant:" "Mr and Mrs Pitt are looking for a baby-minder to take Pitt the Younger to Parliament." "Some fellow called George Stevenson has invented a moving kettle, wants someone to help with the marketing." "Oh, there's a foreign opportunity here." "Treacherous, malicious, unprincipled cad, preferably non-smoker, wanted to be King of Sardinia." "No time wasters, please." "Apply to:" "Napoleon Bonaparte, PO Box 1, Paris." "Right!" "We're on our way!" "Oh, sir, about costume..." "Any thoughts?" "Well, enormous trousers, certainly, and perhaps an Admiral's uniform, because we know what all the nice girls love, don't we?" "I'll tell you what, why don't I go and try them on for you?" "Help yourselves to wine." "You'll need a stiff drink when you see the size of these damn trousers." " Oh, my dear, what a ghastly evening!" " You're so right, love." "Look, while he's gone, why don't we have a quick read-through of" ""The Murder of Prince Romero and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife"?" "Act 1, Scene 1?" ""Spring has come, with all its gentle showers." "Methinks it's time to hack the Prince to death."" "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and friendly companionship." "Ah, thank you, Mr B." "But as we both know, it'd be an utter lie." "I will therefore confine myself to saying simply, "Sod off", and if I ever meet you again, it'll be twenty billion years too soon." "Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard." "I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating those badly chosen words." "I wouldn't bet you a single groat that you could survive five minutes here without me." "Come on, Mr B, it's not as though we're gonna get murdered or anything the minute you leave, is it?" "Hope springs eternal, Baldrick." "(BELL RINGS)" "Coming!" " (MOSSOP):" "Let's kill the Prince." " (KEANRICK):" "Who shsll strike first?" "Let me, and let this dagger's point prick out his soft eyeball and sup with glee upon its exquisite jelly." "Have you the stomach?" "I have not killed him yet, sir, but when I do," "I shall have the stomach and the liver, too, and the floppily-doppilies in their horrid glue." "What if a servant should hear us in our plotting?" "Then shall we have servant sausages for tea." "And servant rissoles shall our supper be." "Murder!" "Murder!" "The Revolution's started!" " What?" "!" " A plot, a plot to kill you!" "Ah, so you've come clean at last, have you, you bloody little poor person." "Not me - the actors downstairs, they're anarchists!" "I heard them plotting." "They're gonna poke out your liver, turn me into rissole, and then suck on your exquisite floppily-doppilies." " What are we going to do?" " Mr Blackadder says," ""when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table."" " Blackadder, of course!" "Where is he?" " He's in Sardinia." " What?" "Why?" " You were rude to him, so he left." "Oh no!" "What a mad, blundering, incredibly handsome young nincompoop I've been." "What are we to do?" "If we go downstairs, they'll chop us up and eat us alive." "We're doomed, doomed!" "(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)" "(GEORGE WHIMPERS)" "Good evening, Your Highness." "Four minutes and 22 seconds, Baldrick." "You owe me a groat." "Thank God you're here!" "We desperately need you!" "Who, me, sir?" "Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky?" "Oh tish!" "Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly- Can't-Write-For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed?" "Yes, well..." "Mr Brilliantly-Undervalued-Butler who hasn't had a raise in a fortnight?" "Take an extra thousand... ..guineas per month?" "All right." "What's your problem?" "The actors have turned out to be vicious anarchists!" "They intend to kill us all!" " What, are they going to bore us to death?" " No, stab us!" "Baldrick overheard them." " Are you sure they meant it, sir?" " Quite sure." " How far apart were their legs?" " This far." " And their nipples?" " That far." " They meant it, all right." " All right, sir, I'll see what I can do." "To torture him, I lust." "Let's singe his hair, and up his nostrils... ..hot bananas thrust." " Rehearsals going well, gentlemen?" " Begone!" "A mere butler with the intellectual capacity of a squashed apricot can be of no use to us." "Indeed yes, sir." "Your participation is as irritating as a potted cactus in a monkey's pyjamas." "Well, in that case, I won't interrupt you any longer." "Sorry to disturb, gentlemen." "Blackadder, thank God you're safe!" "Well, what happened?" "Sir, there was no need to panic." "It was all perfectly straightforward." "They're traitors, sir." "They must be arrested, brutally tortured and executed forthwith." "Bravo!" "But Your Highness, there's been a terrible mistake." "That's what they were bound to say, sir." "It was a play, sir, a play!" "Look, all the words you heard were written down on that page." "Text book stuff again, you see." "The criminals' vanity always makes them make one tiny mistake." "Theirs was to have their entire conspiracy printed and published in plain manuscript." " Take them away!" " Mercy, we beg for mercy!" "I have got only one thing to say to you..." "Macbeth!" "Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends." "Well done, Bladder!" "How can I ever thank you?" "You can start by not calling me "Bladder", sir." "Macbeth!" "Of course, Bladder." "No sooner said than done." "No hard feelings?" "No, sir." "It's good to be back in the saddle." "Did I say saddle?" "I meant harness." "Bravo!" "So we're the best of friends as ever we were." "Hurrah!" "In fact, now that the evil Mossop and Keanrick have got their comeuppance, the Drury Lane Theatre is free." "I thought we might celebrate by staging a little play that I've written." "Excellent idea!" "And with my new-found acting skills, might there be a part in it for me?" "I was hoping that you might play the title role." "What a roaringly good idea!" "What's the play called?" ""Thick Jack Clot Sits in the Stocks and Gets Pelted with Rancid Tomatoes"" "Excellent!" "Oh God!" "Bills, bills, bills." "One is born, one runs up bills, one dies." "What have I got to show for it?" "Nothing." "A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo." "Sometimes I feel like a pelican - whichever way I turn, I've still got an enormous bill in front of me." "Pass the biscuit barrel." "Let's see what's in the kitty shall we?" "Nine pence." "Oh God, what are we going to do?" "Don't worry Mr B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem." "Let us not forget, that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head." "But this is a really good one." "You become a dashing highwayman, then you can pay all your bills and, on top of that, everyone'll want to sleep with you." "Baldrick, I could become a prostitute and pay my bills, then everyone would want to sleep with me, but I do consider certain professions beneath me." "And I fail to see why a thief should be idolised, just because he has a horse between his legs." "My favourite's the Shadow." "What a man!" "They say he's halfway to being the new Robin Hood." " Why only halfway?" " Well, he steals from the rich, but he hasn't got round to giving it to the poor yet." "Look, I've got a poster of him." "I have no desire to get hung for wearing a silly hat." "If I want to get rich quick, all I have to do is go upstairs and ask Prince Fathead for a rise." "(BELL RINGS)" "The bank's open." "Good morning, sir." "May I say how immensely rich you're looking?" "Was there anything you wanted?" "Anything at all?" "Yes, I was wondering if you could lend me a bit of cash." "But of course, sir, I..." "Cash?" "Yes, I'm rotten stinking stoning stinking broke." "What about the 5,000 pounds that Parliament voted you last week to drink yourself to death with?" "All gone I'm afraid." "You see, I've discovered this terrifically fun new game." "It's called "cards"." "You sit round the table with your friends, and you deal out five "cards" each, and then the object of the game is to give away all your money as quickly as possible." " Do you know it?" " Vaguely, sir, yes." "All the chaps say I'm terrific at it." "I was very bad at it." "I always seemed to end up with more money than I started with." "It's all down to practice." "I'm a natural apparently." "The only drawback is that it's pretty damned expensive." "So I was wondering if you could lend me a couple of hundred." "I'm afraid that's impossible." "I'm as poor as a church mouse that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese." " What am I going to do?" " It's a difficult one." "Let's see now." "You can't borrow money, you're not going to inherit any money and obviously you can't earn money." "Sir, drastic situations call for drastic measures." "If you can't make money, you'll have to marry it." "Marry?" "Never!" "I'm a gay bachelor, Blackadder." "I'm a roarer, a rogerer, a gorger and a puker." "I can't marry." "I'm young, I'm firm buttocked, I'm..." " Broke?" " Well, yes, I suppose so." "And don't forget, sir, that the modern Church smiles on roaring and gorging within wedlock, and indeed rogering is keenly encouraged." "And the puking?" "I believe still very much down to the conscience of the individual churchgoer." "Well, tally-ho then, Blackadder." "Yes, you fix it up." "You know the kind of girls I like, they've got to be lovers, laughers, dancers..." "And bonkers." "That goes without saying." " Oh God!" " Something wrong, Mr B?" "I can't find a single person suitable to marry the prince." "Please, keep trying, I love a royal wedding." "The excitement, the crowds, the souvenir mugs, the worrying about whether the bride's lost weight." "Unlikely with this lot." "If the prince had stipulated "must weigh a quarter of a ton" we'd be laughing." "Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80, they're out, 47 are under 10, they're out, and 39 are mad." "They sound ideal." "They would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse." " Which leaves us with two." " And what about them?" "Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin - we'll never get her to marry him." " Why not?" " Because she's met him." "Which leaves?" " Caroline of Brunswick." " What's wrong with her?" "Get more coffee!" "Change it!" "Take me roughly from behind!" "No, not like that, like this!" "Trousers off!" "Tackle out!" "Walk the dog!" "Where's my presents?" "!" "Which one do you want me to do first?" "No, that's what Caroline's like." "She is famous for having the worst personality in Germany." "And as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition." " So you're stuck then." " Yes, I'm afraid I am." "Unless..." "Pass me the paper, Baldrick, quick." "Why has half the front page been cut out?" " I don't know." " You do know, don't you?" "Yes." "You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive Shadow to put in your highwayman's scrapbook, haven't you?" "I can't help it, Mr B. His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation." "So is going to the toilet in the middle of the night, but you don't keep a scrapbook on it." "I do." "Now, let's see, society pages." "You see, it needn't necessarily be a princess." "All the Prince wants is someone pretty and rich." "Oh dear, that rules me out then." "Now, let me see." ""Beau Brummel in purple pants probe."" ""King talks to tree." "Phew!" "What a loony."" "God, the Times has really gone downhill recently." "Aha!" "Listen to this:" ""Mysterious northern beauty, Miss Amy Hardwood, comes to London and spends flipping great wodges of cash!"" "That's our baby!" "I don't know why I'm bothering to get dressed." "As soon as I get to the Naughty Hellfire Club" "I'll be de-bagged and radished for non-payment of debts." " Radished, sir?" " They pull your britches down." " And push a large radish right up your..." " Yes, all right, sir!" "There's no need to hammer it home." " As a matter of fact they do often have to..." " No!" "No!" " Your money worries are over, sir." " Well, hurrah for that." "I have found you a bride." "Her name is Amy, daughter of the noted industrialist, Mr Hardwood." "Dammit, Blackadder, you know I loathe industrialists." "Sad, balding, little proles in their damn-your-eyes waistcoats." "All puffed up because they know where to put the legs on a pair of trousers." "Believe me, sir, these people are the future." "This man probably owns half of Lancashire." "His family's got more mills than you've got brain cells." " How many mills?" " Seven, sir." "Quite a lot of mills then." "He has patented a machine called "The Ravelling Nancy"." " What does it do?" " It ravels cotton, sir." " What for?" " That I cannot say, sir." "I am one of these people who are quite happy to wear cotton, but have no idea how it works." "She is also a beauty, sir." "Well, if she's gonna be my bird, she'd better be." "Right, so what's the plan?" "I thought I could take her a short note expressing your honourable intentions." "Yes, yes, I think so too." "All right then, take this down." ""From His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales to Miss Amy Hardwood." "Tally-ho, my fine saucy young trollop." "Your luck's in." "Trip along here with all your cash, and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas, you lucky tart." "Yours with the deepest respect etc, signed George." "P.S. Woof!" "Woof!"" " Well, what do you think?" " It's very moving, sir." "Would you mind if I changed just one tiny aspect of it?" " Which one?" " The words." "I'll leave the details to you, Blackadder." "Just make sure she knows I'm all man, with a bit of animal thrown in." "Certainly, sir." "From his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales to Miss Amy Hardwood:" ""The upturned tilt of your tiny wee nosy, smells as sweet as a great big posy."" " Fanciful stuff, madam, but from the heart." " He says my nosy is tiny?" "And wee, madam." "Well, he must be an awful clever clogs, because you see, my nosy is tiny, and so wee, that I sometimes think the pixies gave it to me." "He continues:" ""Oh, Lady Amy, Queen of all your sex."" "I apologise for the word, madam, but Prince George is a man of passion." "Don't worry, I can get pretty cross myself sometimes." "I've heard a teensy rumour that the Prince has the manners of a boy-cow's dingle dangle." " What do you have to say to that?" " That is a lie, madam." "Prince George is shy and just pretends to be bluff and crass and unbelievably thick and gittish, whilst deep down he is a soft little marshmallowy, pigletty type of creature." "Oh, I'm so glad." "You see, I'm a delicate tiny thing myself, weak and silly and like a little fluffy rabbit." "So I could never marry a horrible heffalump, or I might get squished." "Tell me, when can I meet the lovely Prince?" "You want to meet him?" "If we're going to get married I think I probably ought to." "I know!" "Tell him to come and serenade me tonight." "I'll be on my balcony in my jim-jams." "Certainly, madam." "Eh up!" "Who's this big girl's blouse, then?" "Father, this is Mr Blackadder, he's come a-wooing from the Prince." " You have a beautiful and charming daughter." " Indeed I do." "I love her more than any pig, and that's saying summat!" "It certainly is." "And let me tell you, I'd no more place her in the hands of an unworthy man than I'd place my John Thomas in the hands of a lunatic with a pair of scissors." "An attitude that does you credit, sir." "I'd rather paint my bottom blue than give her to a man who didn't love her." "What self-respecting father could do more?" "On the other hand, if he's a prince, he can have her for ten bob and a pickled egg." " I can see where your daughter gets her wit, sir." " I thank you." "Although where she gets her good looks and charm is perhaps more of a mystery." " No one ever made money out of good looks." " You obviously haven't met Lady Hamilton, sir." "I tell you, Baldrick, I'm not looking forward to this evening." "Trying to serenade a light fluffy bunny of a girl in the company of an arrogant half German yob with a mad dad." " He is the Prince of Wales." " Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?" " No, but I've often thought I'd like to." " Well don't, it's a ghastly place." "Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrifying people with their close harmony singing." "You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place-names." "Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight." " So being Prince of it isn't considered a plus?" " I fear not, no." "But the crucial thing is that they must never be left alone together before the marriage." " Isn't that a bit unfair on her?" " It's not exactly fair on him either." "The girl is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume." "But you know, Baldrick, the world isn't fair." "If it was, things like this wouldn't happen, would they?" "What's the plan?" "Shin up the drain and ask her if she'll take delivery of a consignment of German sausage?" "No, sir." "As we rehearsed: poetry first, sausage later." "Right." "So, what do you think?" ""Harold the Horny Hunter" should do the trick." "Remind me of it, sir." ""Harold the Horny hunter, had an enormous horn."" "It is absolutely excellent, sir." "However, might I suggest an alternative?" ""Lovely little dumpling, how in love I am." "Let me be your shepherdkins, you can be my lamb."" "I think we'll be very lucky if she doesn't just come out onto the balcony and vomit over us." "Let's give it a whirl." "Just stand right here, sir." "Call for her romantically." "(GEORGE SHOUTS):" "Oy!" "Come on out here, you rollicking trolloping sauce bottle!" " (AMY):" "George?" " (GEORGE):" "Woof!" "Woof!" "Is that you?" "Yes, 'tis I, your gorgeous little love bundle." "Oh, George, I think you must be the snuggly wuggliest lambkin in the whole of toy-land." "Yucch!" "What was that?" "Nothing, there was just a little fly in my throaty." "Yucch, yucch..." "Do you want a hanky wanky to gob the phlegmy wemmy woo into?" "Phwoah!" "Crikey!" "What was that?" "Is there someone down there with you?" "No, it was just the wind whistling through the trees and making a noise that sounded like "phwoaaaah crikeeeeeey"." "Oh, joy!" "Then come, Prince Cuddly Kitten, climb up my ivy." "Sausage time!" " There is someone down there with you!" " Oh my God, so there is." " A filthy intruder spying on our love." " Hit him, George, hit him!" "Very well." "Would you mind screaming, Your Highness." "Take that!" "And that!" "And that!" "Oh, you're so brave!" "And I'm so worn out with all the excitement that I'd better go sleepy bobos, otherwise I'll be all cross in the morning." " Nighty-night, Georgy Porgy!" " Nighty-wighty, Amy Wamy." "I think it worked, sir." "In the morning I shall go in and ask her father, you go out and start spending his money." "I can't stand meanness when it comes to wedding presents." " And well done, sir, you were brilliant." " Was I?" " But I'm in agony!" " Well, that's love for you." "Sir, I come as emissary of the Prince of Wales with the most splendid news." " He wants your daughter Amy for his wife." " Well his wife can't have her!" "Outrageous, sir, to come here with such a suggestion!" "Mind, sir, or I shall take off my belt and by thunder me trousers will fall down!" "No, sir, you misunderstand." "He wants to marry your lovely daughter." "Ah, ah..." "Can it be possibly true?" "Surely love has never crossed such boundaries of class?" "What about you and Mum?" "I grant thee, when I first met her, I was the farmer's son and she was just the lass who ate the dung, but that was an exception." "And Aunty Dot and Uncle Ted." "Yes, he was a pig poker and she was the Duchess of Argyle, but..." "And Aunty Ruth was a milkmaid and Uncle Isiah..." "The Pope!" "Yes, yes, all right." "Don't argue." "Suffice to say if you marry, we need never be poor or hungry again." "Sir, we accept." "So obviously you'll be wanting an enormous ceremony..." "What did you say?" "Well, obviously, now we're marrying quality, we'll never be poor or hungry again." " Are you poor and hungry at the moment?" " Oh yes!" "We've been living off lard butties for five years now." "I'm so poor I use my underpants for drying dishes." " So you're skint?" " Aye." "In that case, the wedding's off." "Good day." "But what about George's lovey-wovey poems that won my hearty-wearty?" "All writteny-witteny by me-wee I'm afraidy-waidy." "Goodbye." "Sir, you know I told you to go out and spend a lot of money on wedding presents, well apparent..." "Yes?" "Nothing." "Crisis, Baldrick, crisis!" "No marriage, no money, more bills!" "For the first time I've decided to follow a suggestion of yours." "Saddle Prince George's horse." "You're not becoming a highwayman, are you?" "No, I'm auditioning for the part of Arnold the Bat in Sheridan's new comedy." "Oh, that's all right then." "Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?" "Yeah, it's like goldy and bronzy, only it's made of iron." "Never mind, never mind." "Just saddle the Prince's horse." "That'll be difficult, he wrapped her round that gas lamp in the Strand last night." "Saddle my horse then." "What do you think you've been eating for the last two months?" "Well go out into the street and hire me a horse." "Hire you a horse?" "For ninepence?" "On Jewish New Year in the rain?" "A bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague of Old London Town?" "With the blacksmith's strike in its fifteenth week and the Dorset Horse-Fetishists fair tomorrow?" "Right, well get this on then." "It looks as though you could do with the exercise." "Honestly, Papa." "Ever since mother died you've tried to stop me growing up." "I'm not a little girl, I'm a grown woman." "In fact I might as well tell you now, Papa:" "I'm pregnant, and I'm an opium fiend, and I'm in love with a poet called Shelley, who's a famous whoopsy." "And mother didn't die, I killed her!" "Well, never mind." "(GUNSHOT) (BLACKADDER):" "Stand and deliver!" "Oh no - disaster." "It's the Shadow - we're doomed, doomed." "Good evening, Duke, and the lovely Miss Cheapside." "Your cash-bags, please." "You'll never get away with this!" "You'll be caught and damn well hung." " I think he looks..." " Madam, please." "Not the jest about me looking pretty well hung already, we have no time." " Now, sir, turn out your pockets." " Never, sir!" "A man's pockets are his own private kingdom." "I'll protect them with my life." "Got something embarrassing in there, have you?" "A particularly repulsive handkerchief, hm?" "One of those fellows who has a big blow and then doesn't change it for a week?" " Aha!" " Highwayman, I also have a jewel." "I fear however, that I have placed it here, beneath my petticoat, for protection." "Well in that case I think I'll leave it." "I'm not sure I fancy the idea of a jewel that's been in someone's pants." "A single kiss of those soft lips is all I require." "Never, sir!" "A man's soft lips are his own private kingdom, I shall defend them with my life." "I'm not talking to you, grandad." "Oh, I am overcome." "Take me with you to live the life of the wild rogue, cuddling under haystacks and making love in the branches of tall trees." "Sadly I must decline" " I fear my horse would collapse with you on top of him as well as me." "I could try." " No, Quicksilver, you couldn't." " That's not fair then." "I had you on my back for ten miles, and I don't even get a kiss out of it." "All right, very well then..." " All fair now?" " Not really, no." "No pleasing some horses." "Hi ho, Quicksilver!" "Papa, you did nothing to defend my honour." "Oh, shut your face, you pregnant junkie fag-hag." "Well, Baldrick, a good night's work, I think." "It's time to divide the loot." "I think it's only fair that we should share it equally." "Which I suppose is highwayman's talk for you get the cash, I get the snotty hankie." "No, we did this robbery together, so you get half the cash." "Thank you, Mr B." "This robbery, on the other hand, I'm doing alone." "Hand it over, your money or your life." " There you see, all fair and above board." " As long as I haven't been cheated I don't mind." "Hands up!" "I'm the Shadow, and I never miss." "Oh no." " You, the one that looks like a pig." " He's talking to you, Baldrick." "Scedaddle!" "So...who have we here." "A well set up fellow indeed." "Sir, a kiss." " Sorry, I'm not sure I heard that correctly." " Oh dear." "Maybe your ears need unblocking." "Oh, a kiss!" "Of course." "Then perhaps a light supper, some dancing, who knows where it might lead." " Good Lord, it's you!" " Of course!" " But your voice?" " Clever, isn't it?" " Does your father know you're out?" " He had to go." " You mean he's dead?" " Yes." "Dead as that squirrel." "Which squirrel?" "(A SQUEAK, FOLLOWED BY A THUD)" "Oh, that squirrel." "Of course!" "You killed him for ruining your chances of marrying Prince George." "I despise the Prince." "Don't you know it's you I want." "I want a real man." "A man who can sew on a button." "A man who knows where the towels are kept." "And yes, I crave your fabulous sinewy body." "Well, you're only human." "Here's the plan, brown eyes, you rob the Prince of everything he's got, right down to the clothes he's standing in." "I'll get my stash and meet you here." "Then we run away to the West Indies." "Well, I don't know, I'll have to think about it." "I've thought about it, it's a brilliant plan." "See you here tomorrow." "Right, I'm off." "But what about the danger?" "Look, the reward is going up day by day." "I laugh in the face of danger." "I drop ice-cubes down the vest of fear." "Things couldn't be better, Baldrick." "She'll get me abroad and make me rich." "Then I'll probably drop her and get two hundred concubines to share my bed." "Wouldn't that be rather prickly?" "Concubines, Baldrick, not porcupines." "I still can't believe you're leaving me behind." "Don't worry - when we're established on our plantation in Barbados, I'll send for you." "No more sad little London for you, Balders." "You'll stand out in life as an individual." " Will I?" " Of course, all the other slaves will be black." "Oh, Mr Blackadder, what's all this I hear about you buying a bathing-costume and forty gallons of coconut oil." "Are you going abroad then, sir?" " Yes, I'm off." " Oh, sir, what a tragic end to all my dreams." "And I'd always hoped you would marry me and that together we might await the slither of tiny Adders." "Mrs M, if we were the last three humans on earth I'd be trying to start a family with Baldrick." "Here I am, all packed and ready to go." "Darling, I'm so pleased to see you." "And I've got a little surprise for you." "Close your eyes and open your mouth." "Hand over the loot, goat brains." "Ha ha ha!" "I always said the bedrock of a good relationship is being able to laugh together." " Good." "Well done." "So, which way to Barbados?" " You're not going to Barbados." "Get away from the cart, Mr Slimy, or I'll fill you so full of lead we could sharpen your head and call you a pencil." "This is turning into a really rotten evening." "You'd better make the most of it - it's your last." "And it's a pity, because it's usually against my principles to shoot dumb animals." " Except squirrels?" " Yes." "Bastards." "I hate them with their long tails and their stupid twitchy noses." "I shall return at midnight to collect the loot - when I'll fill you so full of holes I could market you as a new English cheese." "(EVIL LAUGHTER)" "Oh God, what a way to die." "Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll." " Morning, Mr B." " Baldrick!" "Thank you for introducing me to a genuinely new experience." " What experience is that?" " Being pleased to see you." " What are you doing here, you revolting animal?" " I've come for the Shadow's autograph." " You know, I'm a great fan of the Shadow." " Yes." "Just untie me, Baldrick." "Has he gone?" "What a pity." "I wanted him to autograph my new poster." "Look, his reward's gone up to ten thousand pounds." "Good Lord, ten thousand pounds - that gives me an idea." "Take this cart-load of loot back to the palace and meet me back here at midnight with ten soldiers, a restless lynch-mob and a small portable gallows." "Ha ha!" "Brekkers!" "I could eat fourteen trays of it this morning and still have room for a dolphin on toast." "Any particular reason for this gluttonous levity, sir?" "Well, what do you think, Blackadder?" "I'm in love." "I'm in love." "I'm in love." "Oh, Amy, bless all ten of your tiny pinkies." "Now, let's see what's in the paper." "Oh my God!" "She's been arrested and hanged." "Really?" " It turns out she was a highwayman." " These modern girls." "Apparently someone tipped off the authorities and collected the ten thousand pounds reward." "What a greasy sneak." "If only I could get my hands on him." " You can't trust anyone these days." " It says here that she had an accomplice." "But they don't know who it was." "Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy, I shall never forget you." "Never ever never ever..." " Right, what's for breakfast?" " Kedgeree, sir." "Great." "I didn't need to get married anyway." "I've got pots of money." " Really?" " The most extraordinary thing happened." "I was a bit peckish during the night, so I nipped downstairs to the biscuit barrel." "And do you know what I found inside?" "Ten thousand pounds I never knew I had." "I've got so much money now I don't know what to do with it." " How about a game of cards, sir?" " Excellent idea!" "Mr Blackadder..." "Leave me alone Baldrick." "If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable I'd have bought one at the market." " Don't you want this message?" " No, thank you." "God, I'm wasted here." "It's no life for a man of noble blood being servant to a master with the intellect of a jugged walrus and all the social graces of a potty." "I'm wasted too." "I've been thinking of bettering myself." "I applied for the job of village idiot of Kensington." " Get anywhere?" " I got down to the last two." " But I failed the final interview." " What went wrong?" "I turned up." "The other bloke was such an idiot he forgot to." "I'm afraid my ambitions stretch slightly further than professional idiocy in West London." "I want to be remembered when I'm dead." "I want books written about me, songs sung about me." "And then, hundreds of years from now, I want episodes from my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age." "Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard." " Quite." "Now, what's this message?" " I thought you didn't want it." " I may do." "It depends what it is." " So you do want it?" " Well, I don't know, do I?" "It depends what it is." " I can't tell you unless you want to know." "Now I'm so confused I don't know where I live or what my name is." "Your name is of no importance and you live in the pipe in the upstairs water-closet." "Was the man who gave you this, by any chance, a red-headed lunatic with a kilt and a claymore?" "Yeah, and the funny thing is, he looked exactly like you." "My mad cousin McAdder." "The most dangerous man ever to wear a skirt in Europe." "Yeah, he came in here playing the bagpipes, then he made a haggis, sang Auld Lang Syne and punched me in the face." " Why?" " I called him a knock-kneed Scottish pillock." "An unwise action, Baldrick, since Mad McAdder is a homicidal maniac." "My mother told me to stand up to homicidal maniacs." "If this is the same mother who claimed that you were a tall, handsome, stallion of a man," " I should treat her opinions with caution." " I love my mum." "And I love chops and sauce, but I don't seek their advice." "I hate it when McAdder turns up." "He's such a frog-eyed, beetle-browed basket-case." " He's the spitting image of you." " No, he's not!" "We're about as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod." "What's the old tartan throw-back banging on about this time?" ""Have come South for rebellion." Oh, God." "Surprise, surprise." ""Staying with Miggins..." "the time has come... best sword in Scotland... insurrection... blood..." "large bowl of porridge..." "rightful claim to throne..."" "He's mad." "He's mad." "He's madder than Mad Jack McMad the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition." "(BELL RINGS)" "Ah!" "The walrus awakes." "Blackadder, notice anything unusual?" "Yes, sir, it's 11:30 in the morning and you're moving about." "Is the bed on fire?" "Well, I wouldn't know, I've been out all night." "Guess what I've been doing?" "Wraaarrhhh..." " Beagling, sir?" " Better even than that." "Sink me, Blackadder, if I haven't just had the most wonderful evening of my life." "Tell me all, sir." "As you know, when I set out I looked divine." "At the party, as I passed, all eyes turned." " And I dare say, quite a few stomachs." " Well, that's right." "And then these two ravishing beauties came up to me and whispered in my ear that they loved me." " And what happened after you woke up?" " This was no dream, Blackadder." "Five minutes later I was in a coach flying through the London night bound for the ladies' home." "And which ladies' home is this?" "A home for the elderly or a home for the mentally disadvantaged?" "No, no, no." "This was Apsley House." "Do you know it?" "Yes, sir." "It is the seat of the Duke of Wellington." "Those ladies, I fancy, would be his nieces." "Oh, so you fancy them too?" "Well, I don't blame you." "I spent a night of ecstasy with a pair of Wellingtons and I loved it." "Sir, it may interest you to know that the Iron Duke has always let it be known that he will kill in cold blood anyone who takes sexual advantage of any of his relatives." "Yes, but big-nose Wellington is in Spain fighting the French - he'll never know." "On the contrary, sir." "Wellington triumphed six months ago." " I'm dead." " It would seem so, sir." " I haven't got a prayer, have I, Blackadder?" " Against throat-slasher Wellington, the finest blade His Majesty commands?" "Not really, no." "Then I shall flee." "How's your French, Blackadder?" "Parfait, monsieur." "But I fear France will not be far enough." " Well, how's your Mongolian?" " Mmm, chang hatang motzo motzo." "But I fear Wellington is a close personal friend of the chief Mongol." "They were at Eton together." "I'm doomed." "Doomed as the dodo." "(KNOCKING) Oh, my God, he's here, Wellington's here already!" "Oh, Your Grace, forgive me." "I didn't know what I was doing." "I was a mad, sexually overactive fool." "Sir, it's Baldrick." "You're perfectly safe." "Hurrah!" " Until six o'clock tonight." " Hurrooh." "From the Supreme Commander, Allied Forces Europe." ""Sir, prince or pauper, when a man soils a Wellington he puts his foot in it." "This is not a joke." "I do not find my name remotely funny, and people who do, end up dead." "I challenge you to a duel tonight at eighteen hundred hours in which you will die." "Yours, with sincere apologies for your impending slaughter, Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington."" "Sounds a nice, polite sort of bloke." "(GEORGE WHIMPERS)" "Don't worry, sir, please." "Just consider that life is a valley of woe filled with pain, misery, hunger and despair." "Not for me." "As far as I'm concerned life is a big palace full of food, drink and comfy sofas." " May I speak, sir?" " Certainly not, Baldrick!" "The Prince is about to die." "The last thing he wants to do is exchange pleasantries with a certified plum-duff." "Easy, Blackadder, let's hear him out." "Very well, Baldrick." "We shall hear you out, then throw you out." "Well, Your Majesty, I have a cunning plan which could get you out of this problem." "Don't listen to him, sir." "It's a cruel proletarian trick to raise your hopes." "I shall have him shot the moment he's finished clearing away your breakfast." "No, wait." "Perhaps this disgusting degraded creature is some sort of blessing in disguise." "Well, if he is, it's a very good disguise." "After all, did not our Lord send a lowly earthworm to comfort Moses in his torment?" "No." "Well, it's the sort of thing he might have done." "Well, come on, Mr Spotty, speak." "Well, Your Majesty, I just thought - this Wellington bloke's been in Europe for years." "He don't know what you looks like." "So why don't you get someone else to fight the duel instead of you?" "But I'm the Prince Regent!" "My portrait hangs on every wall!" "Answer that, Baldrick." "My cousin Bert Baldrick, Mr Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, he says that all portraits look the same these days, 'cause they're painted to a romantic ideal, rather than as a true depiction of the idiosyncratic facial qualities of the person in question." "Your cousin Bert obviously has a larger vocabulary than you do, Baldrick." "He's right, damn him!" "Anybody could fight the duel and Wellers would never know." "Baldrick's plan does seem to hinge on finding someone willing to commit suicide on your behalf." "Yes, but he would be fabulously rewarded." " Money, titles, castles..." " Coffin." "That's right, I thought maybe Mr Blackadder himself would fancy the job." "What a splendid idea!" "Excuse me, Your Highness." "Trouble with the staff." "Baldrick, does it have to be this way?" "Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle-grid in an extremely heavy hat?" "Mr Blackadder, you was only just saying in the kitchen how you wanted to rise again." "But, tiny, tiny brain, the Iron Duke will kill me." "To even think about taking him on you'd have to be some kind of homicidal maniac who was fantastically good at fighting, like McAdder..." "McAdder could fight the duel for me!" "My apologies, sir." "I was just having a word with my insurance people." "Obviously I would be delighted to die on your behalf." "God's toenails, Blackadder, I'm most damnably grateful." "You won't regret this you know." "Well, that's excellent." "There's just one point, though, sir, re: the suicide policy." "There is an unusual clause which states that the policyholder must wear a big red wig and affect a Scottish accent in the combat zone." "Small print, eh?" "Ah, Mrs Miggins." "Am I to gather from your look of pie-eyed exhaustion and the globules of porridge hanging off the walls that my cousin McAdder has presented his credentials?" "Oh yes, indeed, sir." "You've just missed him." " I hope he's been practising with his claymore." " Oh, I should say so!" "I'm as weary as a dog with no legs that's just climbed Ben Nevis." "A claymore is a sword, Mrs Miggins." "See this intricate wood carving of the infant Samuel at prayer?" "He whittled that with the tip of his mighty weapon with his eyes closed." "Yes, exquisite." "He bid me bite on a plank, there was a whirlwind of steel, and within a minute three men lay dead and I had a lovely new set of gnashers." "Just tell him to meet me here at five o'clock to discuss an extremely cunning plan." "If all goes well, by tomorrow the clan of McAdder will be marching the high road back to glory." "I'll do you a nice packed lunch." "Good news, Your Highness." "This evening I will carve the Duke into a piece of furniture with some excellent dental work." "Your Highness?" "Your Highness!" "Oh, thank God it's you, Blackadder." "I've just had word from Wellington, he's on his way here now." "The Duke must believe from the very start that I am you." " Any ideas?" " There's no alternative, we must swap clothes." "Fantastic, yes, dressing up." "I love it." "It's just like that story, "The Prince And The Porpoise"." ""..and the Pauper"" "Oh, yes!" ""The Prince and the Porpoise and the Pauper"." "Excellent, excellent." "Why, my own father wouldn't recognise me." "Your own father never can." "He's mad." "Unfortunately, sir, you do realise that I shall have to treat you like a servant?" "Oh, I think I can cope with that, Blackadder." "And you will have to get used to calling me "Your Highness", Your Highness." " "Your Highness, Your Highness."" " No, just "Your Highness", Your Highness." "That's what I said, "Your Highness, Your Highness", Your Highness, Your Highness." "Yes, let's just leave that for now, shall we?" "Complicated stuff obviously." "Big Nose is here..." " But what?" "Who?" "Where?" "How?" " Don't even try to work it out, Baldrick." "Two people you know well have exchanged coats and now you don't know which is which." "I must say I'm pretty confused myself!" "Which one of us is Wellington?" "Wellington is the man at the door." "And the porpoise?" "Hasn't arrived yet, sir." "We'll just have to fill in as best we can without it." " Sir, if you would let the Duke in." " Certainly, Your Highness, Your Highness." "And you'd better get out too, Baldrick." "Yes, Your Highness, Your Highness." "Oh, God!" "If only they had a brain cell between them." "The Duke of Wellington!" "Have I the honour of addressing the Prince Regent, sir?" "You do." "Congratulations, Highness, your bearing is far nobler than I'd been informed." "Take my hat at once, sir, and be quicker about it than you were with the door!" " Yes, my Lord." " I'm a Duke, not a Lord!" "Where were you trained, a dago dancing class?" "Shall I have my people thrash him for you?" "No, he's very new." "At the moment I'm sparing the rod." "Fatal error." "Give them an inch and before you know it they've got a foot, much more than that and you don't have a leg to stand on." "Get out!" "Now, sir, to business." "I am informed that your royal father grows ever more eccentric and at present believes himself to be "a small village in Lincolnshire, commanding spectacular views of the Nene valley."" "I therefore pass my full account of the war on to you, the Prince of Wales." ""We won." Signed Wellington." "Well, that seems to sum it up very well." "Was there anything else?" "Two other trifling affairs, sir." "The men had a whip-round and got you this." "Well, what I mean is, I had the men roundly whipped until they got you this." "It's a cigarillo-case engraved with the regimental crest of two crossed dead Frenchmen, emblazoned on a mound of dead Frenchmen motif." "Thank you very much." "And the other trifling thing?" " Your impending death, Highness." " Yes, of course, mind like a sieve." "I can not deny I'm looking forward to it." "Britain has the finest trade, the finest armies, the finest navies in the world." "And what do we have for royalty?" "A mad Kraut sausage sucker and a son who can't keep his own sausage to himself." " The sooner you're dead the better." " You're very kind." "Now, you're no doubt anxious to catch up with the news of the war." "I have here the most recent briefs from my general in the field." "Yes, well if you could just pop them in the laundry basket on the way out." "Tea?" "Yes, immediately." "Now, let's turn to the second front, my Lord." "Now, as I understand it, Napoleon is in North Africa." " And Nelson is stationed in..." " Alaska, Your Highness." "In case Bony should try and trick us by coming via the North Pole." "Perhaps a preferable stratagem, Your Grace, might be to harry him amid-ships as he leaves the Mediterranean." "Trafalgar might be quite a good spot." "Trafalgar?" "Well, I'll mention it to Nelson." "I'm beginning to regret the necessity of killing you, Your Highness." "I'd been told by everybody that the Prince was a confounded moron." " Oh, no." " Here's that tiresome servant of yours again." "Budge up, budge up." "How dare you sit in the presence of your betters!" "Get up!" " Cripes, yes, I forgot." " You speak when you're spoken to." "Unless you want to be flayed across a gun carriage." "Well?" "Sir, I fear you have been too long a soldier." "We no longer treat servants that way in London society." " Why, I hardly touched the man!" " I think you hit him very hard." "Nonsense!" "That would have been a hard hit." "I just hit him like that." "No, sir, a soft hit would be like this." "Whereas you hit him like this." "Please, um, I wonder if I might be excused, Your Highness, Your Highness." "Certainly." "I'm sorry about that, sir, but one has to keep up the pretence." " I quite understand." "You carry on the good work." " Very well, sir." "Hang on, this is bloody coffee!" "I ordered tea!" "You really are a confounded fool, aren't you?" "I'd heard that the Prince was an imbecile, whereas his servant Blackadder was respected about town." "Now that I discover the truth, I'm disposed to beat you to death." "Tea!" "Tell me, do you ever stop bullying and shouting at the lower orders?" "Never!" "There's only one way to win a campaign: shout, shout and shout again!" "You don't think then that inspired leadership and tactical ability have anything to do with it?" "No!" "It's all down to shouting." "(ROARS)" "I hear that conditions in your army are appalling." "Well, I'm sorry, but those are my conditions and you'll just have to accept them." "That is until this evening when I shall kill you." " Who knows, maybe I shall kill you." " Nonsense." "I've never been so much as scratched, my skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom." "Which is more than you can say for my bottom." "One point, sir." "I should, perhaps, warn you that while duelling" "I tend to put on my lucky wig and regimental accent." "That won't help you." "It would take a homicidal maniac in a claymore and a kilt to get the better of me." "Well, that's handy." "I'm not leaving this kitchen until that man is out of the house." "(KNOCKING)" "It's all right, Your Majesty, don't worry, I'll deal with this." "Hello, Baldrick." "I've brought your buns." "Where's Mr Blackadder?" "Oh, not upstairs still, running about after that port-swilling, tadpole-brained smelly-boots?" " I don't know who you mean." " Prince George, Baldrick." "His boots smell so bad a man would need to have his nose amputated before taking them off." " Well, that's what Mr Blackadder says." " As a joke." "Didn't you write a little poem about him last week?" " No, I didn't." " Oh, you did." ""In the winter it's cool, in the summer it's hot, but all the year round, Prince George is a clot."" "A lovely." "I said Prince George is a lovely." "I'd better be off anyway." "Tell Mr Blackadder to expect Mr McAdder at five o'clock." "As soon as that fat Prussian truffle-pig has got his snout wedged into a bucket of tea-cakes." "It must be next door you're wanting, strange woman whom I've never seen before, Mrs Miggins." "Baldrick!" "Is it true?" "Did you really write a poem about how lovely I am?" "Yes, and Mr Blackadder loves you too." "I must say I find that very touching." "I do." "(BELL RINGS)" "I wish they wouldn't keep on doing that." "Goodbye, sir." "And may the best man win - i.e. me." " Your tea, sir." " You're late!" "Where the hell have you been for it?" "India?" " Or Ceylon?" " Or China?" "Don't bother to show me the way out." "I don't want to die of old age before I get to the front door." "Ah!" "Miggins." "So where's McAdder?" "I thought he was going to be here at five o'clock." "Yes, I'm sorry." "He's just popped out." "You look ever so similar to each other, you know, it's quite eerie." " Look, did you tell him to be here or not?" " I did, you just keep missing each other." " I can't imagine why." " I'll tell you why!" "It's because there's no coffee shop in England big enough for two Blackadders." "Ah!" "Good day, cousin McAdder." "I trust you are well." "Aye, well enough." " And Morag?" " She bides fine." "And how stands that mighty army, the clan McAdder?" "They're both well." "I always thought that Jamie and Angus were such fine boys." " Angus is a girl." " Of course." "So, tell me, cousin, I hear you have a cunning plan." "I do, I do." "I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent and kill the Duke of Wellington in a duel." " Aye, and what's in it for me?" " Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides." " What do you think?" " Fourteen shillings and sixpence?" "Well, it's tempting." "But I've got an even better plan." "Why don't I pretend to be the Duke of Wellington and kill the Prince of Wales in a duel?" "Then I could kill the King and be crowned with the ancient stone bonnet of McAdder." "And I shall wear the granite gown and limestone bodice of MacMiggins, Queen of all the herds." "Look, for God's sake, McAdder, you're not Rob Roy." "You're a top kipper salesman with a reputable firm of Aberdeen fishmongers." "Don't throw it all away." "If you kill the Prince they'll just send the bailiffs round and arrest you." "Oh blast, I forgot the bailiffs." " So we can return to our original plan then?" " No, I'm not interested." "I'd rather go to bed with the Loch Lomond monster." "And I have to be back in the office on Friday." "I promised Mr McNaulty I'd shift a particularly difficult bloater for him." "Forget the whole thing." "I'm off home with Miggsy." "Yes, yes." "Show me the glen where the kipper roams free." "And forget Morag forever." "No, never." "I must do right by Morag." "We must return to Scotland and you must fight her in the old Highland way - bare-breasted and each carrying an eight pound baby." "Yes!" "I love babies." "You're a woman of spirit!" "I look forward to burying you in the old Highland manner." "Farewell, Blackadder, you spineless goon." "Oh, God!" "Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more." "Ah, Blackadder." "It has been a wild afternoon full of strange omens." "I dreamt that a large eagle circled the room three times, and then got into bed with me and took all the blankets." "And then I saw that it wasn't an eagle at all but a large black snake." "Also, Duncan's horses did turn and eat each other - as usual." " Good portents for your duel, do you think?" " Not very good, sir." "I'm afraid the duel is off." " Off?" " As in "sod"." "I'm not doing it." "By thunder, here's a pretty game." "You will stay, sir, and do duty by your Prince or I shall..." "Or what, you port-brained twerp?" "I've looked after you all my life." "Even when we were babies I had to show you which bit of your mother was serving the drinks." "Please, please, you've got to help me." "I don't want to die." " I've got so much to give." "I want more time." " A poignant plea, sir." "But the answer, I'm afraid, must remain:" ""You're going to die, fat pig."" "Oh, wait, wait!" "I'll give you everything." "Everything?" "The money, the castles, the jewellery?" "The highly artistic but also highly illegal set of French lithographs?" "Everything." "The amusing clock where the little man comes out and drops his trousers every half hour?" " Yes, yes, all right." " Very well, I accept." "A man may fight for many things:" "his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child." "But personally I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn." "You're on." "Here's the plan." "When he offers me the swords, I kick him in the nuts and you set fire to the building." "In the confusion we claim a draw." "Your Highness, let's be about our business." "Don't forget, Baldrick." "You... when I..." "Come, sir." "Choose your stoker." " Are we going to tickle each other to death?" " No, sir." "We fight with cannon." "But I thought we were fighting with swords." "What do you think this is, the Middle Ages?" "Only girls fight with swords these days." "Stand by your gun, sir." "Hup two three!" "Hup two three!" "Wait a minute!" "Stand by cannon for loading procedure." "Stoke!" "Muzzle!" "Wrench!" ""Congratulations on choosing the Armstrong Whitworth four-pounder cannonette." "Please read instructions carefully and it should give years of trouble-free maiming."" "Check elevation!" "Chart trajectory!" "Prime fuse!" "Aim!" " Wait a minute." " Fire!" " Mr B!" "Sir, please help me get his coat off." " Leave it, Baldrick." "It doesn't matter." "Yes it does." "Blood's hell to shift." "I want to get it in to soak." "You die like a man, sir - in combat." "You think so?" "Dammit, we must build a better world." "When will the killing end?" "You don't think I too dream of peace?" "You don't think that I too yearn to end this damn dirty job we call soldiering?" "Frankly, no." "My final wish on this Earth is that Baldrick be sold to provide funds for a Blackadder foundation to promote peace and to do research into the possibility of an automatic machine for cleaning shoes." "And so I charge..." "His Highness is dead." "Actually, I'm not sure I am." "That cigarillo-box you gave me was placed exactly at the point where the cannon-ball struck." "I always said smoking was good for you." "Honour is satisfied." "God clearly preserves you for greatness." "His Highness is saved." "Hurrah!" "Um, no actually, it's me." "I'm His Highness." "Well done, Bladders, glad you made it." "What in the name of Bonaparte's balls is this fellow doing now?" "No, I really am the Prince." "It was all just larks, and darn fine larks at that I thought." "I have never, in all my campaigns, encountered such insolence!" "Your master survives an honourable duel and you cheek him like a French whoopsy!" "I can contain myself no longer!" "I die." "I hope men will say of me that I did duty by my country." "I think that's pretty unlikely, sir." "If I was you I'd try for something a bit more realistic." " Like what?" " You hope that men will think of you as a thicky." "All right, I'll hope that." "Toodle-oo, everyone." "(A VOICE):" "Kneel for His Majesty, the King of England!" "Somebody told me my son was here." "I wish him to marry this rose-bush." "I want to make the wedding arrangements." "Here I am, Daddy." "This is the Iron Duke Wellington, commander of all your armed forces." "Yes, I recognised the enormous conk." " He's a hero." "A man of wit and discretion." " Bravo!" "You know, my son, for the first time in my life I have a real fatherly feeling about you." "People may say I'm stark raving mad and say the word Penguin after each sentence, but I believe that we two can make Britain great, you as the Prince Regent and I as King Penguin." "Well, let's hope, eh?" "Wellington, will you come and dine with us at the palace?" " My family have a lot to thank you for." " With great pleasure." "Your father may be as mad as a balloon, but I think you have the makings of a fine king." "Eine wunderbare Hochzeitja!" "Baldrick, clear away that dead butler, will you?" "There's a new star in heaven tonight." "A new freckle on the nose of the giant pixie." "No, actually Baldrick, I'm not dead." "You see, I had a cigarillo-box too, look." "Oh, damn, I must have left it on the dresser..."