"Many years ago, a strange comet appeared in the sky." "It struck the earth, and out of the crater crawled a child." "From nearby woods came a mysterious and enchanted people." "They took the boy as their own and taught him the ways of the forest." "(jaunty music)" "(suspenseful music)" "("Psycho"-style music)" "Soon it was time for him to leave." "An hour later, he was bitten by a monkey." "As he tried to fight the effects of the monkey venom, he lost his footing and stumbled into a swamp of toxic waste." "When he emerged, he had gained special powers." "From that moment on, he was able to fight off the most ferocious monkey attack and do kung fu." "(kung fu music)" "Armed with his new skills, he spent his time fighting the forces of evil." "Many came to destroy him, but he could not be defeated." "So they hit him with a car." "Left for dead, scientists took his body to a secret lab and rebuilt him using old fridge parts." "He promptly escaped and disappeared underground." "His whereabouts remained unknown." "That is, until now." "(dramatic drumbeat)" "please welcome radioactive kung fu fridge boy and monkey slayer," "Ross noble." "Oh, yes." "Hello there." "How are you?" "Well?" " ( audience) Yes." " Yeah!" "Brilliant." "What about you lot up the top?" "Alright?" "( audience) Yeah!" "That was brilliant." "You all went, "Yeah!"" "And I just detected one woman down there just went, "Yes, thanks."" "That's fantastic." "How gloriously theatre-crowd is that?" ""Yes, thanks. I'm very well indeed."" ""Would you like to see my medical records?" Excellent." "Was that you, madam, over there?" "Posh lady." "You're not posh?" "I wasn't even pointing to you." "That's what I like to see." "Fantastic." "A very defensive common woman." ""l'm not posh!" "Leave me alone."" ""l'm the most common woman you'll ever meet in your life."" ""Look at me. I was selling flowers outside before the show started."" ""Wandering around the streets, flogging lucky heather and stuff."" "You were..." "It's quite alright." ""l'm not posh!" "Just leave me alone!" "Everything's fine."" "I'm sure it was the woman behind you." "That leads me to believe you might be the poshest woman alive." "You're going, (posh accent) "l'm not posh."" ""How dare you?" "I'm ever so common."" "And we just look down, like that, and you're actually riding a little pony." "Just... lt'd have to be a Shetland pony, obviously, to get the..." "Otherwise, the people behind you would be really pissed off." ""Excuse me, could you just get out the way?"" "You'd just be sat there like that." "That's always a giveaway, when you walk out and there's somebody just sat there, just slowly, just oscillating gently, like that." "You know, you look down, usually they're holding reins like that." "Either that or they've rigged up some sort of odd pneumatic system, and their friend is pumping away on a little thing, like that, forcing them to just gently rise and fall." "Just to deliberately irritate the people behind them." "That'd be quite good, if you went out to shows and, like, your entire outfit was just a way of annoying people." "Just get a haircut, that kind of, like, a massive haircut, like that, but ravel it all up, like that, into a tiny little bun and then have a quick-release system, so you just slowly... lt'd just go, na-na-na-na-na, just bigger and bigger." "People going, "Jesus, that haircut's growing."" "You could keep releasing more and more, like a pulley system, letting it out, and then it just gets bigger." "It would really piss the people off next to you cos it would actually land in their laps." "And they'd be trying to eat their Maltesers through it all." "You could stand up and go to the interval and you'd be dragging people with you, like that." "Like a kind of a haircare-based trawler system." "Like that." "That'd be a good way of dispatching ruffians that you didn't like." "You could just, like that, and then trawl them out." "Excellent. I'm gonna implement that." "It's a shame this is the last night, really, of my run, otherwise I could've employed you." "You could've got on your phone to your dad and gone, "Father, I'd like a pulley system and a massive haircut."" "So, are you a common lady or are you very posh?" "What...?" "Which one would you go for there?" "Yes, I am talking to you." "Fantastic." "That was brilliant." ""Are you talking to me?" Like that." "You were responding there." "Or were you just...?" "Were you reading from the script of Taxi Driver?" "Like that." "(posh voice) "Are you...?"" ""Are you talking to me?"" "The poshest..." "The poshest nutter ever." ""Excuse me..."" "Mebbes you're a shit drama student." "You haven't quite..." ""Are you...?" "Are you talking to me?"" ""Er, would it be alright if I changed 'talking' to 'conversing'?"" ""Would that be fine?"" "That'd be excellent." "They should do, like, a period-costume-drama Taxi Driver, with a big top hat on, like that, and just a silver cane and him standing there in a beautiful gilt-edged mirror, just going, "Excuse me, dear sir," "but are you conversing with myself?"" ""Hmm." "Not really."" "So, er, yeah..." "No." "Yes, you." "Yeah." "Sorry." "What's your name?" "Rochelle?" "Ah!" "Rochelle?" "!" "You're the poshest woman on earth!" "Rochelle?" "is it genuinely Rochelle, or were you trying to think of something posh?" ""What's posh?" "Ambassador's functions." "Ferrero Rocher." "Rocher."" ""Rochelle!" "That's it!" "That's it!"" "You can tell somebody really common cos Ferrero Rocher is, like, the poshest thing." ""Roche..." "Rochelle." "Yes, that's me."" ""Ambassador, with these Rochelles, you are spoiling me."" "You know... (chuckles) I'd love to see that. I'd love to see them come out at a really dowdy do," ""Ah, Ambassador, with these pickled eggs, you are spoiling us."" ""They really are quite tart, it has to be said."" "There's loads of people shovelling..." "But it'd be very hard to balance pickled eggs in the triangular formation, wouldn't it?" "Rochers are almost designed for it." "I think they have a special sort of non-stick kind of..." "Oh no, a stick surface." "Non-stick, whumph!" "They'd be off." "But a special sticky surface so that you can get them in a pyramid formation." "But pickled eggs..." "Well, any sort of peeled egg is always... lt doesn't have a lot of purchase, does it?" "Not that that's an important thing for an egg to have." "It's not like you're gonna require it in a mountain-climbing scenario." "You're going up the face of K2, like that, and you just," ""Ah!" "I've run out of crampons and little..."" ""Those things."" "What are those things?" "When you're climbing and you have a wire thing" " and then they go like that and..." " (man speaks)" "There's one bloke down there, (mumbles) and you lot going," ""We didn't realise it was a mountaineering quiz."" "The, er... lt doesn't take long to run out of crampons because you only have two." "One on each foot." " Sorry, mate, what are they called?" " (man) Friends." " Friends?" " Yep." "Friends?" "is that what...?" "Or are all your friends made of wire?" "is that what it is?" "(chuckles) We haven't got a rogue nutter in tonight, like that?" "Are you sat there and all the seats next to you are coat-hanger people?" "Just kind of..." "Or..." "You've got another..." "You've..." "(laughs)" "You've just rigged up, like, strings over the top of the balcony and you're just..." ""Hey, Mr Wire Man, do you wanna get some peanuts at the bar?"" "With your wire puppetry." "is that what they're called?" "Friends?" " (man) Yes." " (mimics) "Yes, they are!"" ""Yes, I am the all-seeing oracle of mountaineering."" ""Yes, I have spoken and therefore, there must be no more."" ""There must be no more conversing."" ""Are you conversing with me?" "Are you?"" ""l don't see anyone else here who has the privilege of our company."" "The... (laughs)" ""Somebody else to enjoy the merriment of such a fine day."" ""l don't see anyone else here."" "The, er..." "Friend?" "Really?" "Are you a mountaineering sort of man?" " Used to be." " Used to be." "Ooh." "There's a slight touch of sadness about that." ""l used to be."" "You're not sat there all in plaster, are you?" ""l used to be." "Not any more."" "(whimpers) "All my friends are coat hangers now."" ""That's because if I get an itch inside the plaster..."" ""Could you help me with that?"" ""Thanks very much." "You've itched me up a treat."" ""Now I've only got to have some pipe-cleaner children and my life is complete."" "What made you give up mountaineering?" " (man) Er, beer." " What?" "Getting drunk." "Beer and getting too drunk?" "Was that, like, in between excursions or...?" "Excursions?" "Surely "expedition" would be more an appropriate word to use." ""l was thinking of going on a mountaineering excursion." "Yes."" ""Yes, we'll climb Everest but we'll do it with a couple of fat bus drivers from Leeds."" "(Leeds accent) "Aye, don't you worry, son."" ""This is the most popular excursion, climbing the north face of Everest."" ""We take pensioners up there all the time."" ""There's a lovely gift shop up the top."" ""Doesn't sell much." "Mainly snow." "But, er..." "You know..."" "What, you became a mad alcoholic and all your friends became coat hangers, and you just stopped that there?" " Something like that." " Summat like that." "I'm sensing you don't really wanna talk to me tonight." ""Yeah." "Summat like that."" "I could've made up any old bollocks and you would've agreed." "I could've gone, "You were mountaineering but thought," "'Hmm, I really wanna be an ornamental-clog maker."'" ""'l wanna run away to Holland and get the finest chisels in all the land and make a beautiful pair of clogs, but not any pair of clogs, a pair of clogs with a spirit level in the end" "so that I could always stand properly, even on cobbles and difficult surfaces."'" ""'The kings and queens of the world will rejoice and say," ""There's the greatest clog maker in the world,"" "and I'll be invited to the court and the Ambassador will come and we will have pickled eggs, and everything, everything will be amazing."' ls that right? "Yeah, pretty much." "Anything you want."" ""l'm not really bothered."" "So, anyway..." "Seriously, go on, what did you...?" "No, no, look." "I've got to point out, right, at this stage, I'm not taking the piss, right?" "I just wanna get to know people." "I just wanna have a bit of a chat." "No, seriously, I don't wanna take the piss." "You've got to be very careful." "I like meeting people, having a chat." "But I was taking the piss recently." "I was." "There was this bloke and I was like, "Whay!"" "And he was like, "Whoa." And I was like, "Whay!"" "And I almost got stabbed." "Yeah." "Seriously." "I almost got a, "Dargh!" Like that." "Just cos l was having a bit of a joke and he took it the wrong way and... I mean, it wasn't actually at a show, you know." "It was actually a drug dealer." "Er..." "And I was in an alleyway at the time." "But, you know, it sort of kicked off." "I thought of something funny to say and he was clearly a dangerous man, and, er, you know..." "But I was torn cos l was thinking, "This is hilarious!" "I might die."" "You know." "And that's a real, "Aw!" You know?" "If you think of something funny to say and don't say it for any particular reason, you think, "l'd better not,"" "that's the worst thing, that's the worst crime you can..." "Other than murder, that's probably a bit worse." "I just think doing that is a bit like having laser eyes, like laser vision,..." "(mimics screech of laser)" "..and then only ever using it to heat soup." "D'you know what I mean?" "It's like a waste." " "There's a child in trouble!" - "Hang on a second."" ""Whoooo!"" ""l've got some lovely lobster bisque on the go."" "Yeah. I said "lobster bisque" just to see how posh you were." "Just in case you went, "Hmm, that's an excellent soup."" ""My favourite of all the bisques."" ""l eat nothing but lobster."" "So, what's your name, lovely lady?" "Go on." "You did tell me before." "Go on." "Rochelle." "That's right." "Yeah." "Sorry." " (woman) She's from Bradford." " She's from Bradford?" "There's posh people in Bradford." "Look at her going, "No, there isn't."" ""There's nothing there." "There's one shop."" "You're from Bradford." "Do you live in London now?" "Well, there you go." "Poshness." "Sorry, Rochelle." "What do you do for a living?" "What's your thing?" "Excellent! "Well..." Like that." "I was imagining some sort of scroll to be produced, like that." ""Well, it has been decreed that I very much work in the industry..."" "Sorry." "Go on." "What?" "You're a nanny." "What?" "A nanny." "At the moment you're a nanny." "You said that quickly and it was, "O ma-na-na-nee." "O ma-na-nee."" "I thought you were doing some weird ceremony." ""O ma-na-nee." "O ma-na-neera!" (speaks gibberish)" "And a demon starts rising up." "(growIs)" "(speaks gibberish)" "(growIs)" "Great way of getting out of talking to me." "Like that, "Ah, shit!" "Noble seems to be paying too much attention to me."" ""lf only I was able to summon up a demon." "That'd make him go away."" "(speaks gibberish)" "(growIs)" ""You have summoned me up."" ""What evil work must you want me to do?"" ""Could you just get him to leave me alone?"" "(growIs questioningIy)" ""Bit of a shit request, isn't it?"" ""Don't you want me to release the fires of hell from my mouth and use my huge claws and hoofed legs to kick people in the face and destroy everything?"" ""Not really, no."" ""l'd just like this Geordie bloke to talk to somebody else, if possible."" ""Oh, alright, then."" "(growIs unconvincingIy)" "That was the least frightening demon in the world." "(growIs unconvincingIy)" "For some reason, he's Blakey from On The Buses." "(groans)" "(mimics BIakey) "You're gonna burn in the eternal fires of hell."" "( Cockney) "Come on, Stan." "They're only a coupla birds!"" "(demon) "No." "They are demons, as well."" "The, er..." "Sorry." "Go on." "You're a nanny." "Who do you nanny for?" "(woman answers inaudibIy)" "You what?" " You don't think..." " ( audience laughs)" "That's..." "That's a good point." "If you didn't hear that, she went, "l don't think you'll know them."" "You never know." "I might've been following you." "As is my wont of an afternoon." "You know." ""Hmm, what'll I do today?" "I might follow some nannies."" ""Yeah." "Brilliant."" "Have you got a proper outfit?" "Mary Poppins style?" "is that the way you have to walk?" "You have to go to a special nanny school." ""Right then." "You have to do this..."" "Right." ""Any questions?" "lf l was to dance with penguins, erm, what would be the best dance to do?"" ""Just see what happens."" ""lf you could befriend a chimney sweep, that's always helpful."" ""And it's always nice to, you know, make sure all your friends can do this..." Like that." " That's pretty much what..." " (crowd cheers)" "(laughs) Look at you!" "(cheers) You're easily pleased, aren't you?" " l just went, "Wahey!" - (cheering)" " Oh, for God's sake!" " (laughter)" "You must be fantastic when you go to athletics events." "I mean, if you're impressed with some scruffy Geordie bloke going, you'll go, "Look at the athletic prowess that that man possesses."" "Seeing somebody doing the old Fosbury flop, you're like, "Yes!"" "You'd just explode, like, you can't even... lt'd be better if at the athletics somebody did the high jump like that." "That'd be..." "That'd be pretty cool, wouldn't it?" "There's the leap, the straddle leap, I believe it's called." "And then there's the old, you know, the old over-and-whey." "Like that." "The flop." "But it'd be better if somebody actually thought," ""l'm gonna go out on a limb and change this."" ""l'm gonna make high jumping a bit more comical."" "(mimics commentator) "Here comes the Cockney entrant,... ..limbering up."" "That's not the pole, that's his sweeping brush." ""Here he is, limbering up, on the start line."" ""Whoa-ah!"" "(cheering) lt's really hard to do it the other way." "I can't..." "Do you ever have those moments where you go, "What the fuck am I doing?"" "(laughs) I look up and see you lot just going," ""Have you quite finished?"" "Could be worse. I could be doing it in like a really trendy skate park." "Like that." "All the kids are trying to do that..." ""l'm an extreme sweeper!"" "Some sort of late-night event on Channel Five." ""Hi." "Join us now with extreme sports."" ""We've got chimney sweeps coming up at midnight."" "And they're all there, getting ready." "In, like, Kevlar top hats." ""Whaa!"" "You lot are looking quite frightened down the front." "You're going, "Alright, Noble, just calm down."" ""Stop with your bloody leaping." "That'll be no way to..."" "I'm out of breath now." "Jesus!" "I don't know how they do it, them chirpy Cockney bastards." "Dick Van Dyke must've been some sort of Adonis." "How the hell did he keep that going for two hours with, you know...?" "And singing to all them little birds and everything?" "You know." "# "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"" "Amphetamines." "That's what helps the medicine go down." "That's how he did all that for two hours." "Mary... # "Just a tiny little bit of speed helps"" "# "Dick Van Dyke go... "" "# "Dick Van Dyke go... "" "They edited that from the film." "It's on the DVD, if you, er..." "You know." "It's just Dick Van Dyke in a mad drug-fuelled frenzy." "Just going, "Come on, Mary, come on!" "Let's do it!" "Come on!"" ""Come on." "Let's find some penguins." "Come on!"" ""lt'll be brilliant." "We'll dance with them and everything."" ""lt'll be brilliant!" "Come on."" ""Alright, Dick." "Calm down." "Calm down."" "# "Chim-chimmeny, chim-chimmeny Come on!" "Let's go!"" ""Jesus Christ!" "I can't believe her!"" "(sings maniacaIIy)" "So, go on." "Who do you nanny for?" "Sorry. I sometimes kind of..." "My mind tends to wander, but I do..." "Well, it doesn't just wander, it completely fucks off on its own." "It actually goes on a short rambling holiday." "Yeah. lt just goes off... lt buys a credit card." "It buys a credit card?" "!" "It buys a caravan, I was gonna say, on my credit card." "No. lt buys a credit card." "That's how..." "See?" "I was talking about my mind wandering, and it wandered while I was wandering off." "You know?" "That's wrong." "That's, like, I was actually..." "I was, like, a tangent on a tangent." "And then my mind disappeared there." "It's all very confusing." "If at any point your ears should start to bleed, just take a moment and go," ""Hang on a second." "He's actually deviating within the sentence."" "Ah." "Dear me." "So..." "Yeah, is it a nice little fam...?" "Don't think I've forgotten about the drug dealer in the alleyway." "I'll get back to him." "It's like the circle of life that Elton John sang about." "It's not, actually." "It's nothing like that." "# "The circle of Iife"" "# "Is like a Geordie bloke"" "# "Attempting to tell people about something"" "# "But then he doesn't and he tells them about something else"" "# "And then something else on top of that"" "# "But then he said he'II get back to what he was originally talking about"" "# "And that's the circle of Iife"" "# "It's the wheel of... "" "And all the antelopes in the background, like that..." ""How do we dance to this bit?"" "# "The circle of Iife"" "I don't play a piano." "As you can probably tell." "That might not be a piano." "That might be Elton John fighting off a couple of angry midgets." "# "That's the circle of Iife"" ""Quickly!" "Quickly!" "I'm being attacked by midgets!"" "# "There's a wheel of fort... "" ""Get off!" "Come on 'ere!"" "# "There's..." "Quickly." "Get me help!"" ""l can't fight them off much longer."" ""My arms are growing tired and the song's nearly finished."" ""You owe us money, Elton!"" ""No, I can't..."" "# "That's the circle of Iife"" "I dunno why Elton John would be involved in midget-based friction, but you never know." "Probably hired them for his tour." ""We'll need a couple of midgets."" ""Right." "Yeah." "No problem." "Get 'em."" ""Spend the money on flowers and midgets. I just don't care."" ""As much money as you want."" "Oh, God." "There's a Saturday-night TV show, if ever I saw one." "Imagine that." "You turn on the telly, six o'clock, Saturday night." ""lt's live!" "Elton John fighting midgets!"" "# "The circle of Iife"" "While he sings his popular hits." "You could be in charge of the midgets." "You could be head midget-nanny." "(laughs) Look at you lot just going," ""You've gone a bit weird to be honest, Noble."" "I like that, when you go..." "God!" "Imagine if the lights came on and you were all midgets!" ""l can't believe he's saying this."" "You hadn't actually folded the chairs down and you were all standing up." "(laughs)" "How annoying would that be?" "I mean, if I came on, right, and I didn't even realise I'd got a standing ovation." "I'm just going, "Hello there."" "And you all go, "We're on our feet." "Oh, I didn't realise."" "Especially when you started gently oscillating on your pony." "Ah!" "They'd have to wear stilts behind you." "Like that." "Yes." "They would." "Cos they're only little." "Like that." "Circus-based..." "Or have a cannon." "With a midget in there." "Facing straight up in the air." "As soon as I start saying something, "Fire me out now!"" "(mimics cannon fire) "Whay-hey!" "Oh, right, I can see."" "Then they'd be back down again." "I've not really thought that through, to be perfectly honest with you." "All you'd get is a very fleeting, "Whay-hey!" "Oh, that's it."" "And then that would be no good for the rest of the show." "You'd just have a bruised-up little fella on the floor going," ""l don't think that was the best idea we've ever had."" ""We should've used the trampoline."" ""lt would've saved us on the gunpowder."" ""We would've had the necessary height..."" "You're doing it again." "Look at you." "I like that look." "I like that kind of... I tell you what that looks like, that kind of slightly confused but at the same time a little bit scared, that kind of... lt looks to me like somebody that has just received a phone call" "to say they've won a competition to lick the Dalai Lama." ""The Dalai Lama, you say?"" ""Hang on a second." "I never entered that competition."" "See, there was a little bit of anger just after there at being duped." "I reckon he'd let you, personally." "He's the most chilled-out Buddhist man on earth." "If you went up to the Dalai and went," ""Excuse me, is it alright if I give you a bit of a licking?", he'd probably go, (gentle Chinese IiIt) "Of course."" "Cos that's how he talks, the Dalai." "He's quite camp." ""Hello there. I'm the Dalai Lama."" ""l'd like to talk to you about Buddhism."" ""And disco!"" ""Yes, of course you can." "Go on." "Give me a good licking."" ""Thanks very much, Dalai."" ""That's it." "Go on." "Lick me." "Lick me."" ""Lick me like the holy bitch I am." "Come on."" "See the way I did that?" "Just gently." "Just a little..." "Like that." "Don't take the piss." "Don't just go... (grunts)" "Or a couple of Buddhist bouncers will move in." ""OK, step away from the Dalai." "Step away."" "(grunts) "l'm enjoying it. I'm loving it."" ""l'm licking the holiest man on earth."" "(grunts)" "(DaIai) "Stop it." "You're hurting me."" "(grunts)" ""Salty!"" "Don't do that." "Don't shout, "Salty!"" "Under any circumstances." "Unless, of course, you're on a guided tour of a salt mine." "In which case, that's the right thing to do." ""Salty!"" ""Ooh, they're obviously enjoying it today."" ""We'll give them a few extra minutes in the salty alcove."" "Yeah." ""How do I sign up for this competition exactly?"" ""lt sounds great."" "That's the sort of thing British Telecom ring me up with when I'm trying to sleep." "Usually about lunchtime, I get a phone call." ""Hello." "This is British Telecom."" ""We'd like to offer you the new Lick the Dalai Lama service."" ""l don't need it." "Leave me alone."" "You know." "Do you get that unnecessary kind of...?" "I'm sure that British Telecom just sit in a room, get pissed, and think of new schemes to flog people." ""What'll we do today?" "I'll ring Noble." "This'll be a laugh."" ""Hello." "This is British Telecom." "I was wondering, would you be interested in our new, erm," "Friends and Pets service?"" "That would be me looking at the thing." ""Er, yeah." "What is it?"" "I'm confused." "Hang on a second." "I've rung myself there, haven't I?" ""Hello there." "Yes?" "What?"" ""Hello?" l mean, "Hello!"" "I've just got two phones. "Hello?"" ""Would you like a Friends and Pets service?"" ""l dunno what it is." "You're a bit mental, aren't you?"" ""Yes. I just like to stand on my own and talk to myself, and pretend I've got a telephone beard."" "It's just bollocks, isn't it? "What's the Friends and Pets service?"" ""Well, what it is, you know when you open the front door and, like, your pets run out into the street and die?"" ""Well, when you're about to leave the house, we ring your phone and the pets, they look round like that and then you get out the door, and they don't die."" ""1 7 pence a day."" "Random numbers, that's what I like about..." ""lt's only 1 7 pence a day."" "And you go, "l don't care." "Just say it's $1 .70 every 1 0 days."" ""Don't tell me 1 7 pence a day."" "They try and equate." ""That's about the same price as if you were to buy a pack of Cup-a-Soups and then only use one." "That's how much..."" "You go, "l know how much 1 7 pence is." "I'm not an idiot."" ""Let me rephrase it." "Imagine you went to a supermarket and there were some beans that'd been dented and they'd been put in a special 'all items 1 7..."'" ""l know how much 1 7 pence is!"" ""No, no." "Just calm down."" ""1 7 pence. lf you imagine 1 7 pounds, right, and then divide..."" ""Stop telling me how much 1 7 pence is!"" ""lt's the price of 1 7 really bad prostitutes."" ""Leave me alone!"" "What was I on about?" "Oh, that's right." "I was asking you about your nannying." "Go on." "So, what sort of family is it you've got there?" " Two boys." " (woman answers inaudibIy)" "A mum and a stepdad." "But you're only in charge of the two boys." "It's not like a very elderly couple that have got a mum and a stepdad and the kids, and you have to look after all of them." "And the dad dresses up as a big baby." "Like that." ""Oh, I need some rusks."" "And you're going, "l think you're taking the piss out of me."" "And are the kids right little bastards?" "They're lovely." "is your boss with you tonight?" "I'm sensing they might be." "Somewhere." "Probably in a box." "Going, "Just be very careful what you say."" "And are the kids really posh kids that do, like, piano lessons and...?" " No?" " (woman answers inaudibIy)" "Lightsabres?" "You teach them lightsabres?" "Wow!" "You're a Jedi nanny!" "That's fantastic." "That must be good for getting them to do their homework." "They go, "We don't wanna do our homework!"" "(mimics Obi-Wan Kenobi) "You will do your homework."" ""Yes." "We will do our homework."" ""And then you will go to bed."" ""Yes, we'll go to bed."" ""Yes..." And then you just go off, like that." "Do you ever dress up as Darth Vader and come in in the night?" "(Darth Vader-styIe breathing)" ""l will destroy you."" "Does the stepdad ever go, "l'm your father"?" "And they go, "No you're not." Does that ever...?" "Have they ever accidentally chopped your hand off?" "You can really tell the Star Wars fans in, going, "Oh, yes, nice reference." Some of you just going," ""We've got no idea what you're on about to be perfectly honest."" "How many people haven't seen Star Wars?" "On the count of three." "One, two, three." "(man shouts)" "What?" "Somebody down there just went, "No one." Like that." "You're a very, very committed fan." ""No one!" "That's just madness!"" ""The very idea of somebody not seeing Star Wars?"" ""That's simply ridiculous."" ""l mean, what, are you Amish or something?"" ""Have you had your eyes blinded?"" ""Had somebody stuck a spear in your face and you were unable to see it?"" ""Surely it is the law?" "!"" "Or is that Queen Amidala sat down there?" "(regaIIy) "Everyone, everyone has seen it."" "Oh, not so many of you have seen Episode I. interesting." ""Who the fuck's Queen Amidala?"" "Have you ever had to dress up as Queen Amidala?" "Sorry." "This isn't a pervy thing." "I know you're sort of going, "Jesus, Noble, back off."" "Have they ever made you do that with the two little..." "No." "Somebody's finding that hilarious up there." "Do you work on a make-up counter?" "And I just went, "Those two..." (laughs)" ""He's a fool."" "No, for those of you that haven't seen Episode I, one of the costumes Queen Amidala wears, she has this white face, and then she has two little, sort of, red dots on there, like that," "and her hair's parted in the middle." "I don't wanna ruin the film for you, but if you remember Worzel Gummidge, she's a dead spit for Aunt Sally from WorzeI Gummidge." "That put me off." "Everyone was going, "lt's not as good as the original."" "And I was just thinking, "Ooh, it's Aunt Sally."" "I was expecting Anakin to come in and go," "(mimics WorzeI Gummidge) "l is gonna put my Jedi head on today."" ""l is thinking of fighting."" ""l is thinking of fighting some dark lords of Sith."" "is that close to Gummidge?" "Have I...?" " (scattered applause)" " No." "There's nothing like a half-arsed round of applause, is there?" "There's nothing I like more than about four people going..." "And everyone else just going, "Oh, shit."" ""Ah, shit!" "We're gonna have to join in."" ""Oh no, it's fine." "They're just clapping on their own."" ""Oh, God, no!" "I've done it again."" "Turning up to shows and going, "Yeah... !" "Oh, no."" "You know what it sounds like, that, that kind of just, that, one...?" "It sounds a bit like, just some, some kind of slightly arthritic German oompah dancers." "You know the ones that..." "Like that." "( German accent) "Hans, I'm not feeling very well."" ""l don't zink zat I am able to slap in ze vay that I vould like to."" ""Come on, come on." "It is fine, Gustav."" ""l feel zat you still have some slapping left in you."" "(sniggers bemusedIy)" ""You really are quite very, very German, aren't you?"" "(high-pitched) "Yes, I am."" ""And you vent a little bit camp like ze Dalai Lama, didn't you?"" ""Yes, I did."" ""l tell you vhat, Gustav, I very much like vearing ze lederhosen."" ""lt..." "It makes me feel so free."" "What, are you like an old man now, are you?" ""Yes, yes, I am." "Oh..." "Oh, yes."" "That was Deryck Guyler from please, Sir." ""Oh, yesh." "Yesh."" ""Ah, Gustav, I vould like to clap and do ze slapping dance."" ""But I simply do not have ze energy."" "Now I'm down, I'm quite comfy, I don't mind telling you." "Imagine if I had just genuinely been paralysed from the neck down and I'd just done that as a way of covering it up." ""Jesus."" ""Nobody needs to know."" "Getting off stage would probably be a bit of a problem." "It's Christopher Reeve, The musical." "( audience groans)" "What?" "!" "Oh, come on." "Oh, behave yourselves." "I'm only joking." "Jesus Christ. (groans) "That's terrible." (groans)" "You just... (laughs) The dancers, it'd be great." "Please just stop me if I go too far at any point." "I'm... (laughs)" "Oh!" "I can't believe I've actually licked quite a lot of the stage." "Imagine that's some bizarre charity challenge." ""What's he doing?"" ""He's attempting to lick an entire West End stage."" "God, that'd take some explaining, wouldn't it?" "Going to the doctor's, "l think I've got stage poisoning."" "I think I've actually licked the entire stage." "I've licked hundreds of years of show-biz tradition off of the stage." "My doctor would just be going, "You're a freak." "Get out." (groans) I wouldn't go." "To be honest with you, I could be paralysed from the neck down and I wouldn't go to my doctor, I'm that sort of person." "Not that I don't want to bother him." "He's a twat." "No, he is." "My doctor is the biggest twat on the face of the planet." "I hate..." "This is..." "I got this ear infection, right?" "It's appalling. I got this..." "What happened was, both my ears got completely infected." "I was in this hotel, right, and I threw back the quilt, like that, and I stood up. I'm naked. I like to sleep naked. I'm not ashamed of it." "I'm a man of the world. I, er..." "You know, I put my pants on the side." "And I stood up..." "I'm giving you unnecessary information." "I feel I'm sharing a little bit too much, you know." "I like to stand completely naked in front of a mirror looking at my beautiful... (laughs) No." "Beautiful what?" "You'll never know." "The, erm... (laughs) That was like some question on BIankety blank." ""Staring at his beautiful blank or blanks."" "Don't know." "But, no. I got this ear infection." "Shocking, it was." "And I stood up." "And because both the ear canals were knackered, I'd lost my balance but I didn't realise until I actually stood up and I found myself just going, "Whoa!" "Which way is up?"" "Which would have been fine if I'd gone back on to the bed, but I didn't." "My entire body was out of control and I went... (screams) across the room and charged naked into my television, right?" "Seriously." "One minute I'm in the bed and I just went... (screams)" "(thud) Like that." "Which would have been fine, right?" "But the maid came in just at that moment to see a naked man fly out of his bed, like I'd gone, "Better hump the television."" "(thud) Like that, you know." "What do you do?" "You go, "You took your time!"" ""Look at the state of this TV." "It hasn't been cleaned in weeks."" ""The static electricity is so bad, I was lying in the bed,... ..the quilt was off." "Whoof!" "I felt my pubes twitching."" ""The next thing I know, I'm being dragged across the room." "No!"" ""And I was forced to hump the television."" ""l know PIaydays is on but don't hold that against me, you know."" "Luckily it was on one of those revolve things, like that." "And I was able to just turn around and cover my modesty, you know." "She left straight away. I didn't let her clean the room and me just..." ""Could you get them cups?"" ""Whoa, cheeky."" "Did you see that?" "She went for the cups and then she darted back." "Hey." "Quickly." "The TV is starting to cool off a bit now." "But I went to the doctor's." "I went in there, right?" "I said, "l've got this ear infection." "It's killing me. I'm in agony."" "You know what the cheeky bastard said?" "He went, "Oh, is it?"" ""Your ears are sore, are they?" l went, "Yeah."" "He went, "How would you describe the pain?"" "I thought, "That's not my job, is it?"" "Surely he should get out a big dusty book and go, "Ear infection, is it?"" ""E. E. Ear infection." There should be a thing. "Pain level, quite bad."" "In brackets, "quite bad"." "Like a sort of top trumps system, you know, of medical things." "So if your doctor does that to you, you say, "l'm in a lot of pain,"" "and he goes, "How would you describe the pain?", this is what you have to do." "You have to go, "How would I describe it?" "Erm..."" ""lt's a moonlight evening, dark in the forest." "Nothing stirs."" ""Then, out of the moonlight, a tiny bird swoops down, its beak pecking my ear."" ""Deeper and deeper." "Pecking, pecking." "Deeper and deeper."" ""Help me!" "Help me!" "I have got sparrows in my mind!"" "You know, off and on." "Anyway, listen, we should have an interval." "We should have a little bit of a break there so you can get a drink and get, you know, toilets as well." "And, er, you can..." "I was gonna say you can go first, but all you need to do is just put your umbrella up and slowly float over everyone's head." "Like that. (hums)" "You could actually go to the top bar without even..." "Help yourself." "Get yourself a pint, peanuts." "Anything you want." "A pint and some peanuts." "Don't get a pint of peanuts." "That'd be a bit odd, wouldn't it?" ""Could I have a pint of peanuts?" "Alright, then."" "Start wandering around the bar. "Pint of peanuts." "Drink that." "Drink it."" ""l'd rather not. lt looks a bit dry."" ""Drink it!" "Drink it!"" ""No, I will not drink it!"" "See, the anger, the anger at being forced to drink a pint of peanuts..." ""No!"" "It might be that or it might've been the sight of nuts out of context." "Somebody might have just gone, "Pint glass." "Peanuts." (screams)" "Start smashing the place up." "The only way to calm them down is to talk about nuts back in context." "(screams)" ""Brazils covered in chocolate, given to a pensioner at Christmas time."" "(sighs)" "You know, some cheeky so and so sneaks up behind them." ""Pecans Sellotaped to the face of a farmer."" "(screams)" "You know, I have to rush back in." ""Almonds, sugared up nice, and given to an old lady in sheltered accommodation." (sighs)" "Anyway, do what you have to do and I'll see you in the second half." "I'll see you in a bit." "(organ music)" "(guitar music)" "Hello." "Oh, yes." "Welcome back to the second half of the show." "(whooping)" "Yay." "Excellent." "Blimey, look at you two, coming in under the wire." "That's what I like to see." "Two coming in from that side as well." "Brilliant." "That wasn't choreographed, was it?" "You didn't go up the back and went, "Let's make a big entrance"?" ""Go!" "Go!" "Go!"" "Or did you meet up and decide to have a race back to your seats?" ""Wait. wait." "He's not on stage yet." "Get ready." "Get ready." "Go!"" ""Oh!" "fuck!" "Right." "Hey-hey. 2.9" Excellent." "Mebbes we could get some people in the boxes to hold up some cards." "1 .2." "Not a very high-scoring round there for you." "1 .2." "The shittest return to a seat of anyone in town. 1 .2." "So, how was your interval?" "Was it good?" "Not really sure there." ""Don't know." "We've got nothing to compare it against." "But..."" ""lt's a bit of an odd question, to be honest, Ross." "Not really sure."" "Did nobody sneak through into the Adelphi next door to Chicago to see how good their interval was?" ""l'll have a little look."" ""Ha-ha!" "Not so much as a half-pint of peanuts in here." "Yes."" ""What have they got?" "Just singing Americans."" "I've not seen Chicago." "That's what it is, is it, singing Americans?" "Look at you lot. "We don't know."" ""This is the first time we have ever been to a theatre in our lives."" ""To be honest, we're frightened just being indoors."" "I think so." "I think it's about Chicago..." "Oh, blimey, you really..." "I hope you three weren't part of that race, cos you've really fucked that up, haven't you?" "Come in dressed as tortoises." "I'm guessing you were next door at Chicago." "Am I right?" "No, I didn't think so." "The, er..." "I don't know." "Has anyone seen Chicago?" " (crowd) Yeah." " Quite a lot of you in that section, but chose not to tell me any information about it at all." "Thanks." ""Don't tell him anything." "Just let him try and work it out."" "I know Marti Pellow and Denise Van Outen..." "They... ls it like loads of people trying to dance but in a windy environment?" "Quite a lot of that?" "(laughs)" "# "Oh, here in Chicago"" ""Oh, I've lost my brolly."" "I don't know. I'm guessing." "is it?" "Really?" "OK." "Could you all stare at me like I've killed a puppy?" "is that possible?" ""What's he on about?"" "Oh, dear." "How was it for you, Rochelle?" ""lt was a bit..." lt was what?" "It took a while to get to the bar." "It was fine." "Were your feet knocking against people's heads as you floated...?" "Piss off, Rochelle!" "Like that." "Well done, mate." "That's what I like to see." "You're relax... (laughs) That's funny." "I was just gonna compliment you on your relaxed attitude." "Your feet up on the stage and his missus just went, "l told you!"" ""Get your feet down!" "This building is hundreds of years old."" ""You can't put your feet on there."" "Well done, mate." "There's not enough lazy bastards in the front row." "They're sitting, slightly nervous, going, "We're in the front row."" "But I like what you've done. lf you can get your feet up even further, please feel free to cross them and, er, just use this unnecessary shelf that we have at the front here." "That's a nice look, actually." "Nice leather shoes, no socks." "Class." "Nice work." "I'm guessing you live in the Algarve and you're visiting." "Either that or you've made a lot of money in the porn industry." "One of the two." "Lounge-lizarding around town, like that." "With your lack of socks." "Wow." "Normally I'm fond of going out sans socks but, you know, I'm wearing a sort of rubber slipper this evening." "And that makes it very difficult, you know, lack of socks." "Quite a lot of chafing involved." "What do you do, mate?" "What's your thing?" "Do you work?" "Yeah. it." "So this is probably the first time you've been out without..." "What..." "That's not it!" "Yeah, probably the first time you've been out." ""Yeah, it is."" ""l've been locked in a tiny room, tapping away."" ""Tapping and tapping." "The only way I could possibly escape was to get the cables from the back of the computer and weave them in with my socks and then slowly escape."" ""Slowly escape."" ""And due to the hours of sitting on one of those ergonomic chairs, my legs have completely packed up and I have to rest them on the front of the stage, like that."" "(groans)" ""Just completely go underneath."" "But feel free..." "In fact, if you actually want to lie on the shelf... (laughs) That'd be quite good." "Imagine if I'd come back after the interval and you were just lying..." ""Thanks, Noble, for putting this shelf in. lt really is fantastic."" "Wipe that up cos you lot up there can see a bit of gob on the stage." "(laughs) Tidy as you go." "There you go." "That's always important." "Oh, God." "So I'm glad it was a good interval all in all and you finally got to the bar." "I've had a fantastic time." "It's been brilliant..." "That's funny, is it, up there?" "(laughs) "He's had a fantastic time."" "There isn't even dressing rooms back there." "He goes off, he's straight in the street." "There's old tramps and that." "Oh, yeah, I was telling you about that drug dealer in the alleyway." "So I'm in this alleyway. I'll tell you what I was doing in the interval." "No, I was, basically, what I've been doing is, Stomp were in here." "Do you know the Stomp fellas?" "The old...?" "For those of you that don't, you're looking confused." " How many people have seen Stomp?" " (crowd) Yeah." "(deep) "Yeah." lt was obviously great fun for you." "(groans) Are you all cows?" "(moos)" "The..." "For those of you that haven't seen it, right, it has toured all over the world." "It's a big fancy hit and everything." "It's like drumming with dance." "It's like fancy dancing and there's some drumming." "They use old bin lids and brooms, just household objects." "They do all this percussion and stuff." "They do this thing with the brooms where they go... (mimics drumming) lt really is quite good apparently." "She's looking at me going, "That sounds shit!"" ""What, you pay to watch two hours of people just sweeping up?"" ""lt's just bollocks." "I'll hire a cleaner."" "The, erm..." "No, it's meant to be very good." "But what I've been doing, right, is I've got the shitty old brooms out of the cupboard in the back and I've mixed it in with their stage brooms." "I've just loosened the head slightly." "Like that." "So if you come and see Stomp when I finish, right, basically, you'll see a kind of Russian-roulette broom scenario." "They come rushing out... "Whoa!"" ""Oh, I've killed a child!"" "Somebody in the front row gets a full-on old mop head in their face." ""ls this part of the show?"" "What I'd like to do, right, I think it'd be quite a laugh, is just hang around in here and when they come out with their brooms, giving it all that, I'd like to just come on at the back with an electronic buff-o-matic." "(mimics buff-o-matic)" "(mimics drumming)" "(revs)" "Just mebbes..." "You know, they're doing the percussion, I could actually just rev the buff-o-matic. (revs)" "Like, actually do the melody, you know." "That'd piss them off, wouldn't it?" "They're doing rhythm and I'm just at the back, like that." "(revs "Amazing Grace")" "That's quite hard, getting in the very high note there." "You have to actually push down on the buff-o-matic, like that, so that the disk creates more friction. (revs higher note)" "Or get a harder surface, you know." "Go from linoleum to, er, teak." "(revs)" "Or just take a corner quite quickly, like that." "(revs low / revs high) I went a little bit higher there." "I took it too quickly." "I was showing off." "I was doing a stunt." "(revs high) I'm a fool to myself cos the cable wouldn't be long enough." " lt would come out and..." " (revs trail off)" "And then Stomp would come after me with bins." "Smacking me about." "That'd be a good one to do." "When they have a big pile of bins and they're just about to do percussion, you could dress as a tramp and stagger out... (roars) "That's my house!"" ""l'm sorry."" ""Sorry about that." (roars)" "Larging it up." "I've got quite a lot of time on my hands, to be honest with you." "Yeah." "I'll tell you what I've been doing of late." "This is a good one you can do." "This is what I do in the daytime, right?" "I go into muffin shops, right?" "And I try and find human faces in the tops of the muffins." "Yeah. lt's harder than you think, you know." "Yeah. I've got a real gift for it, you know." "Cos the blueberries throw you off." "It's kind of like..." "You look like that and you kind of... (hums)" ""There's a face." "Next muffin." You know." ""There's a face." "Next muffin." That's the speed I go at. I'm quite good." ""There's a face." "Next muffin." "There's a face." "Next muffin."" ""There's a face." "Next muffin." "There's a face, you know."" "I'm a bit slower when I'm doing, like, celebrity faces, you know." "That's quite hard to do, you know." ""There's a face." "Next muffin."" ""There's a face." "Next muffin." "There's a face."" ""Next muffin."" "I did that wrong there, didn't I?" "I saw the face and then I lingered and then I went on." "It should be..." ""There's a face." "Next muffin." Like that." "There's a face." "Next muffin." "That's the speed." "Not..." ""There's a face."" ""Next muffin." You know, that... (laughs)" "Almost like the face reminded you of a loved one in passing." ""Now, there is a face."" ""Next muffin."" "Possibly someone, you know, a recent bereavement." "No, not a recent bereavement, a bereavement from a long time past." "You wouldn't just go, "Oh, yeah, they died."" ""Oh!" "He's dead as well." "Next muffin."" "Like you had some sort of macabre muffin-based illness." ""Oh, yeah, there's another one dead."" "Or you start seeing the faces of people that will die soon. "Oh, God."" ""John?"" ""l've see your face in the top of a muffin, mate."" ""l know." "Yeah." "I'd stay indoors for a bit."" ""Yeah."" ""Next muffin."" "(laughs)" ""Hello." "This is British Telecom." "We were wondering, would you be interested in our" "Your Friends Who Are About To Die Represented ln The Tops Of Muffins... ..service?"" ""Yes, please." "1 7 pence a day."" ""Next muffin."" "The trick to doing celebrity muffins is, er..." "Like you want to know." ""Yes, what is that, Ross, exactly?" "Yeah, we were wondering, if we wanted to get into the whole muffin-spotting business."" "No, the trick to celebrities is to do celebrities that already look a bit like muffins before you start." "Clever, you see?" "Erm, the Elephant Man." "Elizabeth Taylor." "Er, Steve McFadden from TV's EastEnders, you know." "Look at you lot, all racking your brains now, going, "Hmm."" "People reaching down for a book of who's who on TV, in brackets, "that look like muffins"." "Be a very slender volume, like that, wouldn't it?" "Anyone want to offer one up?" " Russell Crowe." " Hang on." "What?" " Russell Crowe." " Russell Crowe." "He has a certain muffin quality." "I wouldn't say that to his face, to be honest." "How cool would that be if you got asked to present an Academy Award?" "That'd be brilliant." "That'd be my ultimate dream. I'd love to do that." ""Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ross Noble."" "I'd walk on like that and I'd go, "Hello, there."" "Erm,..." "I probably wouldn't be as nonchalant as that." ""Alright, there." "Yeah, whatever."" ""Right, then." "Hello, there." "Hello."" ""The world's most famous people."" ""Don't you worry." "We'll have a cracking night."" ""Later on, a couple of strippers and a meat raffle." "So..."" ""Okey-dokey."" ""l'll tell you what, let's give away all this shit and get partying."" "I'd probably be a bit more..." "I'd be a bit cooler about it." "(deep) "Hello."" "I'm just pretending to be Nigel Havers." ""Hello."" ""Ladies and gentlemen, and some bullshit thing about cinematography, or some..." "The people that cinematographise really are..."" ""They use light like an easel, like a..."" ""Surely they use it as a palette."" ""No, they use it like an easel." "They..."" ""They get light and..." (laughs)" "You'll have Jack Nicholson going, "What is he on about?"" ""This bloke here." "They use it like an easel?"" ""Yes, the cinematographer uses light like a small wine rack."" "Not really fully... (laughs) ..fully explaining what you mean." ""Right, then, the job of sound editor is a bit like that of a miller."" ""ln the same way that flour is gathered and put through..." (laughs)" ""Stop a second." "Who is this bloke and why is he presenting an award?"" ""Hang on." "I've got to give this one away."" ""The Oscar goes to..."" ""And he's got a face like a muffin, please welcome Russell Crowe."" "Cos they never do that, do they?" "They always go, "The Oscar goes to..."" "They just say the name." "But they should stick another descriptive thing." "It's a missed opportunity, I think." ""And the Oscar goes to, he once was a postman, Tom Hanks."" "Everyone would go... (cheers)" "Everyone will be going, "Was he a postman?"" "He'll be trying to give his speech and everyone will be going," ""Was he a postman?" People crying, going," ""This is the best thing that's ever happened to me."" "They go, "Did Gwyneth Paltrow really make little china monkeys?"" ""Really. I just want to..."" ""Are you lot listening?" "What?" "Sorry, Gwyneth."" ""We were trying to get our head round the whole simian porcelain business."" ""lt's confusing us, to be perfectly honest."" ""And the Oscar goes to, he once covered himself in goose fat and ran around Lithuania," "Jack Nicholson."" "The rest of the show can just be me giving away bogus Oscars." "Imagine that, if the whole show was the length of the Oscar Ceremony." "And you're all going, "Jesus!"" ""How many more awards is he gonna give away?" "Please welcome..."" "I'll stop now." "So, anyway, what was I on about?" "Look, none of you can remember." ""We have no idea, to be perfectly honest, Ross."" ""We were still thinking about Gwyneth Paltrow and the monkey business."" "Oh, dear me." "Oh, that's right. I was in the alleyway with the drug dealer." "Yeah." "So what happened, this bloke that almost stabbed me, was I went into the..." "I was going... I always check out alleyways, right, wherever I am." "That's what I do." "I, er..." "Like I say, look for faces in muffins." "When I say, right..." "When I say that I see human faces in muffins, I mean muffins that look like human faces." "I don't mean actual human faces in the muffin." "I don't want to frighten any of you, going, "What kind of freak is he?"" "Anyway, that's cheatin'." "Yeah." "Gettin' tiny kids and baking them into muffins, like that." "A good, honest muffin-based spotter like myself standing there," ""There's a face." "Next muffin." Somebody walks up behind me," ""There's a face." "Next muffin." "There's a face." "Next muffin."" ""Jesus, you're good." "Yeah." Hang on a second!"" ""Hello."" ""There's a tiny muffin child baked into the pastry."" ""Oh, I've been rumbled."" "That's how..." "They take them from little incubators, like that, and they go, "Where else is warm and full of air?"" ""Why, the mixture of a muffin."" "Place them in there, tiny little muffin children, like that." "I say we start a charity to rescue these little babies and release them back into the wild." "Well, just find them homes, not actually into the wild." "They'd just be eaten by a deer." ""Go free!" "Oh, shit!" "A stag's had that one."" "I told you we should have just put them in someone's house." "Not woodland creatures." "Oh, blimey." "So the, er... I'll tell you what else I do." "This is something else I do, I, erm, invent dances." "Yeah." " (woman cheers) - (cheers)" "OK. (laughs) Are you a choreographer?" "Are you? "Yeah." "No."" "Excellent." "You would make a shit spy, you really would." ""So, are you in any way a spy?" "No." "Yes." "Fuck!"" ""l've done it again." (laughs)" "You'd be rubbish on an interrogation scenario." ""Have you got the secret microfilm that tells us where the test jet is?"" ""No." "Yes."" ""Oh!"" "This is one I invented." "See what you think of this one, right?" "That's not it." "That's just me." "That's just me limbering up." "Don't turn up to the dance floors of London's fashionable West End." "Just walk up to people and this will impress them." ""Freak!"" "This is it, right?" "Here we go." "See what you think." "It's called the fork-lift." "Do you want them up the top, Terry?" "I do that little bit just to get myself in to the feeling of it." "I'm using a gas-powered fork-lift, you know." "Better than the electric." "They're a bit more free flowing." "With the wheels there." " That's just a bit I added." " ( applause)" "No." "You were quite happy to sit there in stony silence as I did that." "And then as soon as I went like that... (light applause)" "What? "Dick Van Dyke?" No, that's more... (crowd cheer)" "For fuck's sake!" "(feebIe cheer)" "That's not part of the fork-lift." "Unless you were fighting off a young YTS lad trying to have a go." ""Get off!" "I'm in charge of the fork-lift."" ""Give us a go!" "No." "Piss off!"" "See that?" "He crept around the back." "Or mebbes that was his mate." ""You get that way and grab him." "Whay!"" "Do you ever wonder what happened to Billy Elliot?" "Imagine if it was..." "I'd love to see the sequel to billy elliot." "Imagine billy elliot II, where he twists his leg and ends up back in the mine." "Be great." "Just two hours of the other miners ripping the piss out of him." ""Billy man, you cannae turn up to the mine wearing spangly pants."" ""l'm sorry, Dad. I've let you down." "But I just wanna dance."" "(thud) "Oh."" "(groans)" ""How many times have I got to tell you, Billy?"" ""You cannae go leaping in the small tunnels."" ""You'll smack your head open and bleed to death."" ""l'm sorry, Dad, I just love to dance."" ""Well, it's just not acceptable, you big leaping twat."" "But he can't help himself." "He loves the spirit, he loves the dance." "Every lunch break, he gets the pit ponies and teaches them dance routines." ""A-one, two." "A-one, two." "A-one, two." "A-one, two."" ""Come on, Sparky!"" ""A-one, two." "A-one." "A-one..."" "It's not easy teaching ponies to dance, it has to be said." "Cos they've got four legs and that's confusing." "You can't get two lots of choreography and Sellotape them together like that." "You know. "One, two." "A-one, two."" ""A-one, two." See how I'm doing it?" "One, two." "That's it." "A-one, two." "A-one, two." "A-one, two." "Don't "One, two, three, four."" ""One, two, three, four." They'll overstretch themselves." ""Billy, my side is hurting."" ""Come on, Sparky." "Dance, you bastard!"" ""l can't do it, Billy." "I've got a sore pony side."" ""l can't do it." "Do it for me, Spark."" ""l can't, Billy." "Stop."" "(slap)" ""Oh, Billy." "l'm sorry, Sparky."" ""l didn't mean to hit you."" ""You've let me down, Billy."" "That got quite moving there, didn't it?" "That'd be a great time to turn up late." "Somebody peeps their head through the door." ""l wonder what this show is."" "See the most moving piece of theatre they've ever experienced." ""l'm sorry, Sparky." "I didn't mean to let you down."" "(sneezing)" "You can't sneeze at a touching point like that!" ""l've let you down." (sneezes)" ""Sorry, sorry." "I'm allergic to abused horses."" "(sneezes) "See, it's happened again."" ""l'm sorry, Sparky."" "They'd be at the door, going, "Oh, my sweet God!" "I could cry."" "Obviously the effect would be somewhat ruined when they found out that was a dancing horse." "You know, that would be a bit of a fuck-up." "Or worse still, instead of "A-one, two." "A-one, two."" ""Five, six, seven, eight."" ""l can't, Billy." "I don't stretch that far."" ""Do it, Sparky!" "Alright. (yeIps)" "(ripping noise) "Oh, shit!" "I've ripped Sparky in two."" ""What have you done, Billy man?" "You've ripped Sparky in two."" ""You've destroyed him." "You've got two halves of a severed pony."" ""l'm sorry, Dad, I didn't mean to."" ""l was just trying to teach him the ways of the dance."" ""All is not lost, Billy." "Don't you worry."" ""Give us the back end." "I've got an idea."" ""Look, I'm a centaur!"" ""Join me, Billy, in a cavalcade of weird, bizarre creature antics."" ""Come on, get the front half."" ""l don't think that's gonna be very effective, to be honest, Dad."" ""lt's essentially just me humping half a severed pony, to be honest."" "Make a helluva third film, wouldn't it?" ""billy elliot III:" "Pony Loving. "" "(makes seedy guitar noises)" "(Eastern European accent) "Hey there, Billy!" "How's it going?"" ""Not too bad, Sparky, ja."" ""You're liking the fancy mining-pony loving."" ""Hey, let me stroke your mane."" ""Thanks, Billy." (makes seedy guitar noises)" ""What are you doing, Billy?" "Nothing, Dad."" ""l was, er..." "It's, erm, contemporary dance."" ""Erm..." (stutters)" ""lt looks a bit weird to me." "l'm just, er..."" ""Erm..."" ""The pony, right, erm, represents the coal industry that has been cut down so much in the past couple of years."" ""And I,..." "I represent the government slowly but surely humping the remnants of what is left."" ""To be honest, Billy, it just looks like you humping half a pony."" ""Yeah, pretty much, Dad, but you've got to think of a way out of these things, haven't you?"" " "Sparky's getting a bit cold now." - (woman groans)" "Oh, for God's sake!" "What, have I done it again, have I?" "What, are you all part of the Countryside Alliance?" "You've all travelled down early." "(posh voice) "l say, let's see a show before we protest about fox hunting."" ""That's appalling." "He doesn't realise the country ways."" "I went to see contemporary dance once." "Oh, God, what a waste of time that was." "The, er..." "What happened..." "Well, it was not their fault." "It wasn't, like, a proper show." "It was, like, a student production." "Like, honestly, the leap between student dance and the professional, certainly the one I saw..." "Oh, it was horrid." "I made the mistake of taking my mate Tony, right, who is the most Geordie man on the face of the planet." "He was really pissed off cos l was trying to impress this woman." "I thought I'd take him along and show him some culture and that." "He was well cheesed cos he wanted to see Under Siege." "There's a big problem, there." "And..." "But..." "Tony's brilliant." "He's one of those blokes that..." "He says..." "He sort of says weird stuff." "Then, when you go, "Huh?", he flicks the Vs at you and leaves." "It's brilliant!" "It's such a brilliant thing he does." "He goes like..." "Like, once, he had this shit watch, right?" "It was, like, off a market or something." "So shit you wouldn't even have got it in Argos." "Do you know what I mean?" "That's the level of shitness of this watch, right?" "You know Argos jewellery?" "You can actually cut a picture out and wear the picture from the catalogue." "Wear the picture from the catalogue." "That's worth more than the actual jewellery itself." "He turned to me and he went, "How, Noble."" ""Sports watch." "Sports action."" "And I didn't see him for, like, a fortnight." "He just... I said, "What was all that, 'Sports watch...'?"" "He went, "l've never had a watch."" "Brilliant, you know?" "And..." "They should put people like him in parliament." ""l'd like to ask the right honourable gentleman..." "We feel that..."" ""How do you feel about the whole selling arms to foreign regimes, when we supply them and then..."" ""Sports watch." "Sports action."" ""l don't feel you're answering the question."" ""l refer the Right Honourable gentleman to the answer I gave some moments ago."" "So we went to see this show." "Show!" "(scoffs)" "There was..." "It started, right?" "The first dancer came out, right?" "Now, I'm not being rude, right?" "She was a slightly larger lady." "You know, she was a bit of a winter warmer." "She was..." "Which is fine, don't get me wrong." "I've been a fat man myself in the past." "But she was taking the piss." "She..." "No, I have." "I'm not knocking the fat people." "I've lost a bit of weight recently on the fantastic new diet that I invented." "It's brilliant." "I'll tell you what it is." "Basically, you're only allowed to eat foods, right..." "That's not it." ""You're only allowed to eat foods."" ""That's a crazy idea." "How does that work?"" ""Are you allowed to eat railings?" "No, just foods."" ""Are you allowed to eat a small brass representation of Thora Hird on a stair lift?" "No, just foods."" ""Are you...?" "No, it's just foods."" ""Chicken tikka?" "Yes."" "No, what it is, you're only allowed to eat foods that contain the names of mythical winged beasts, right?" "It's mainly fairy cakes and Angel Delight." "I dunno if you've ever tried eating nothing but Angel Delight for, like, six months." "After a while, it starts to mess with your head." "You start to just..." "You can't actually physically take any more on." ""God, no!"" ""Please don't make me eat any more Ang... (groans) "Please deliver me."" "What you can do for a laugh, if you know somebody that's on the Slim Fast plan, right, just mix a bit of Angel Delight in there." "They never lose any weight." "It's brilliant." "(groans)" ""lt's not working!"" ""And I seem to have grown tits."" "But I've actually got a problem with Angel Delight." "No, I have." "Firstly, the name, Angel Delight." "There it is, Angel Delight." "As far as I'm concerned, that's a bit of a grandiose claim." "Do you know what I mean?" "I've never been visited by an angel, but I'm guessing that a shitty powdered snack... ..isn't actually enough to bring great joy to a celestial entity." "I mean, you know, you're there, right?" "You're a shepherd, right?" "Cos they're the ones that tend to be troubled the most by unwanted angel interference." "Oh, God, shepherds all the time..." "You go to a shepherd bar." "They're all going, "Bloody angels again!"" "They have to put up anti-angel fencing... ..in the area." "It's like a Perspex wall." "( angeIic singing / thud)" "Barbed wire doesn't work cos they just go sideways and through." "( angeIic singing)" "So there you are, shepherding it up." "You're just there, tending your flocks." "Just, you know..." "Yeah, that's how you tender." "With a special tendering device." "I dunno how it works, but you know..." "It's quite difficult to control." "It's got like a sort of a pistol-grip thing." "Then, like, all notes there that you just play." "Then there's, like, bellows, there." "And a cymbal." "Like that." "And an oscillating head." "You can get them on QVC late at night." ""Hey!" "Ring, ring, ring and get the new George Foreman Sheep Tenderer."" ""Ring before midnight and we'll give you this optional baby George Sheep Tenderer for the little lambs."" ""lf you ring before 1 1 :00, we'll give you this extra sheep plinth for raising the sheep up to a more manageable tendering level, you know, to avoid stooping and the causes of shepherd back,..." "..which can put you out of action for quite a while."" ""Ring before 1 0:00 and we'll give you these lovely hoof guides to place the sheep in position so you don't tender them off the side."" ""How many times, with the old style plinth, have you placed the sheep on without guides and... whumph!" "Like that."" "(groans) "l've hurt my side, Billy." "Well, never again."" ""Just..." "Six in a pack for your delectation."" ""That's right, six in a pack."" ""Four and two spare." "That is the quality promise that these hoof guides provide."" ""Or you can put all six on." "Have the sheep on there and a littler sheep with just its front legs."" ""Just do one and a half." "It's up to you."" ""Or three chickens."" ""Warning!" "Do not use this device on poultry or it'll knack it and your warranty won't be covered." "Don't do it, you bastard."" "That's a subtitle running across the bottom of the screen." "It looked like puppets were telling you that." ""Hey, don't use this device on poultry under any circumstances."" ""lt'll cause problems if poultry is used. lt is specifically for sheep."" ""Yeah, you said it."" ""How many times have we received broken agricultural equipment full of feathers when it was meant to be for sheep?"" ""Yes, it just ain't on." "It makes me so mad!"" ""Yeah."" ""To be honest, I just don't like this job at all."" ""No, me neither."" ""Hey, how comes we've got the same voice?"" ""l don't know."" ""Sound kinda like Huggy Bear."" ""Yeah!"" ""l'd much rather be fighting crime on the streets of New York than peddling this bullshit."" ""Yeah, but, you know, I can think of worse jobs."" ""And what's more, it means I get to spend time with you."" ""What?" "Yeah."" ""l've always loved you."" ""Don't be shy."" ""l think I love you, too."" "I'll stop there if you don't mind." "One, cos it was getting a bit sexy." "Two, the fact that I could see some of you going, "Go on."" "So there you are, tending your flocks, right?" "And the Angel of the Lord appears." "( angeIic singing) "l am the Angel of the Lord."" ""l have come to tell you about the news."" ""This boy, right?" "News, the tidings about the boy who..."" "He'd know it better than this, probably." "He probably looked at the card that God gave him and went," ""'Tidings of great news...' l'll busk it. lt'll be fine."" ""Hi, I've got, er..." "A tide of boys are coming." "No, that's wrong."" ""Hi, I've tied a boy to..." "No, I haven't."" ""The News of the world have got some boys..." "No."" ""To be honest with you, I haven't really mastered this messaging lark."" ""lt's a bit of a shit job, to be honest."" ""My arms are bloody knackered from all the flapping."" ""l should use my wings." "I'm a fool to myself."" ""l've nicked a moped." "That's no good."" ""l can't get the helmet over the halo."" ""Have you got a message?" "l've forgotten it."" ""lt's all gone to shit."" ""Would you like this shitty powdered snack?"" "( angeIic singing)" ""That's the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me."" ""l'm truly delighted."" ""You sound a bit like that lass from M People, if you don't mind me saying."" ""Well, I'm not." "Don't go putting that about."" ""Alright, then, read off this card, then. 'Search for the hero..."'" ""Read that." "l'd rather not."" "(yells) "Read it, you big shiny bastard!"" ""OK, then."" "# "Search for the hero inside yourself"" ""l bloody knew it!" "It's that lass from M People."" ""Don't tell anybody."" "False face." "Kinda looks like a miner's lamp, doesn't it? "Don't tell anybody."" ""Why have you got a miner's lamp?" "Well, I'm not a real angel and I don't shine, so what I've done is I've turned this on."" ""l've fitted a bracket to the back of my head and I've put it on there."" ""l turn it on and stand like this..." ( angeIic singing)" ""Sorted."" ""l've got torches Sellotaped to my elbows and I've got a candle in my arse crack."" ""l have to give the news quickly or the hot wax runs down into my undercrackers." (yeIps)" ""Quick, give us that!" (sizzIing sound)" "(groans) Angel delight!" "And the other thing, right, on the packet for Angel Delight, it actually says," ""Angel Delight." At the bottom, it says, "Serving suggestion"." "And there's just a picture of a bowl of Angel Delight!" "How retarded do they think we are?" "Do you think there's people going," ""l can't work it out!"" ""This Angel Delight..."" "Do they think people rip the top off the packet and pour milk in, and then Sellotape it back up and put it on a string?" ""Right, then, get ready." "Kids, line up."" ""Prepare for the milky bolus."" ""Thanks, Mum."" "Anyway, the point is, this fat lass came out, right?" "There she was." "Me and Tony are sat there ready for dancing." "Out she came, this big chunky woman, ready for contemporary dance." "Now, I'm not being rude." "I like the slightly larger lady." "I prefer those little ballerinas." "I like them ones." "They're good." "Know those women...?" "The ones that look like they can't support the weight of their own head." "(moans) lf you go backstage at the ballet, they don't have dressing rooms." "There's just a big pile of spindly women like that." "It's just a bloke gathering them up like that." ""What is it tonight, Swan Lake?" "Lovely. I'll chuck a few extra in."" ""OK." And there's a bloke and he's got a fan." "He stands at the side of the stage like that." "He goes, "Here we go. I'll just chuck a few more dancers in there."" ""Ready with the...?" "Turn on the fan."" ""Turning on the fans!" (whirring noise)" ""Ready?" "Cue the music!" (hums "Swan Lake")" "Another bloke blows them back." "(whirring noise)" "(hums "Swan Lake") "Spin her round!"" "Oh, yeah." "No one can leave cos if the door shuts, the gust of wind is enough to blow them off." "They have to turn the air conditioning off, as well." "One of the dancers gets under a light breeze coming from the ceiling... (hums "Swan Lake")" ""Whoa!"" ""l'm down."" ""l'm not getting up from this one."" ""lt's too, too strong of a gust."" "What's more, my head is actually too heavy." "Yeah." "I'd love to see Swan Lake, actually. it'd be brilliant." "I'd love to go just at that moment when all the swans come out on the stage, like that, and all the posh people are just sat there." "The swans are... (hums "Swan Lake")" "They're all just sat there, totally transfixed, not even putting their crisps in their mouth." "(hums "Swan Lake")" "When the stage is just full of swans, I'll just be waiting like that." "Hiding at the back of the auditorium, just pretending to be a bit pissed, right?" "I kick the door open. (pow)" "And stagger down the aisle with a big bag of bread." ""Come on, you swan bastards!"" "(hums "Swan Lake")" "So, anyway, out came this big fat lass, right?" "Now, the problem that I had with this woman was not the fact that she was dancing and she was large, the fact that she was dressed head to toe in silver Lycra." "Not a good look." "To be honest, she looked like a baked potato." "Yeah." "A lot of people were going, "Ooh, culture."" ""l was going, "Ooh, coleslaw!"" "She..." "She came out like that, freshly buttered, right?" "She was..." "And she starts doing this." "(sings in a weird style)" "She'd stop but keep going at the same..." "Now, after about 45 minutes,... ..that began to grate and I could tell Tony wasn't happy." "He started chuntering." "Something was gonna happen. (chunters) I'm thinking, "Don't do anything." "Please don't say anything."" "(chunters)" "Then it happened, right?" "He just exploded." "I looked across and Tony just went, "Oh, for fuck's sake!"" "Now, I've never read the dance reviews in the fancy papers, but I'm guessing that's not how they start, you know." "Posh people going, "What does it say about Rambert's latest production?"" ""Well, it says, 'For fuck's sake!"'" "(mutters) "'l should've gone to see Under Siege and got a pie."'" "Now, obviously, it kicked off." "The baked potato was furious!" "She looked like the microwave door had pinged and opened." "There was steam coming off her, the lot." "A few beans around..." "The entire audience turned and looked at Tony at this stage, right?" "And they were both pretty cheesed off." "They were like that." "Tony was in the spotlight." "What was gonna happen?" "They were looking at him. "You've made some interesting comments."" ""l was wondering if you could follow it up with something a little bit more cohesive."" "Tony didn't let me down." "He looked at the baked potato and he looked at the audience." "He just went,... .."These are the worst fucking strippers I've ever seen in my life!"" "That's all from me." "It's been a pleasure talking to you." "I'll see you again." "Thank you very much." "Good night." "( applause)" "Give it up for the nanny and for that fella there." "Cheers." "Thank you." "I never finished telling you about the drug dealer." "I'll just pause at this point." "Are there any more muffin-faced celebrities anyone wants to throw in?" "I bet a few people went, "Oh, shit, he's gone. I've just thought of one."" "Any now?" "Cos it is the last night." "There's no coming back and going..." "(yells) I'll probably be on the other side of the world in Australia." "I'll walk out on the stage and someone will go, "Beryl Reid!"" " (woman) Uri Geller." " Uri Geller?" "He's got a very pointy face, Uri Geller." "I think you've confused muffins and crackers." "(man) Johnny Vegas." "I mean, I'm talking about muffins, the American ones, not the English breakfast muffin." "That would..." "Unless Uri Geller's got very bad skin and you've confused it." " Probably not." "So..." " (man) Johnny Vegas." "Look..." "For fuck's sake!" ""Johnny Vegas!" "Donkey Tramp!" Donkey Tramp, did you say?" " What was that?" " (distant talking)" "That wooden don...?" "Somebody's just pushed a wooden donkey on." "Stomp couldn't wait to get ready." "The wooden donkey?" "What?" " (man shouts) Mule!" " Oh, Muffin the Mule." "No, he doesn't look like a muffin." "He merely has a name that has the word muffin in it." "As well you know." " (woman) John Wayne!" " That's not even a..." "For fuck's sake!" "Lock the doors." "We're staying all night." "This is like some weird version of KiIroy, this." ""l think it's John Wayne." "He looked nothing like a muffin."" " (man) Peter Reid." " Peter Reid!" "Aye aye, the coach parties are in." ""Peter Reid!"" "Anyway, as I was saying, I almost got stabbed by this fella." "It was my own fault." "Basically, what happened was I'm in this alleyway." "I always check out the alleyways, in case of Triad pursuit." "Followed by Chinese gangsters, not..." ""An exciting new board game for all the family." "Triad Pursuit."" ""Answer questions about Chinese gangland incidents."" ""Alright, then, here we go." "This one..."" ""This one's for a cheese."" "Probably be more prawn toast, you know..." "Triangular Chinese food." "Anyway..." ""What sort of cleaver would you use to put in the leg of a man who had wronged your family?"" ""ls it a big cleaver?" "Yes, it is!"" ""Hang on." "AII the answers to the questions are 'a big cleaver'."" "I'm in this alleyway, right, and I'm walking along like that." "This drug dealer comes up to me." "Cos he was quite bouncy, this fella." "He actually had a small trampette." "Actually, he had two next to each other." ""Do you want some drugs?"" "He had them all the way up the alleyway to escape from the police." ""They'll never catch me!"" "(chuckles) He was dressed as Zebedee." ""Hey!"" ""l'm only doing this till I can afford a roundabout, a dog and a snail."" "Who buys a snail?" "They're free." "Just take one." "So he comes up like that." "When I say trampette, that's a small trampoline, not a lady tramp, so..." ""l only wanted 30 pence for a cup of tea."" "So up he comes like that." "(mutters) "Alright, mate?" "Are you chasing, like?"" "(continues to mutter)" "What he was saying is, "Are you chasing?"" "It's short, it's slang, clever drug speak for chasing the dragon." "Ah, you see?" "I was confused cos round my way they go,... .."Would you like some crack?"" "Clever drug speak, right?" "So he's going," ""Are you chasing, mate, are you?" "Are you chasing?"" "Now, at first, he was mumbling." "I didn't pick him up on that." "That would be somewhat churlish." ""Excuse me, dear boy, could you enunciate?"" ""How do you expect to sell any drugs?" (mutters) I thought he said, "Are you Jason?"" "But what kind of way is that to flog drugs?" "Going up to somebody," ""Excuse me, are you Jason?" "Yes, I am!"" ""lf you like my powers of deduction, you'll love my fancy drugs."" "I thought he'd know if I was Jason, wouldn't he?" "I'd either have a big hockey mask on." "I'd be like, "Yeah!"" "Or I'd have a couple of Argonauts in tow." "So he's come up to me like that, "Are you,... are you chasing, mate?"" ""Are you chasing?" "Are you chasing?" "Are you chasing?"" "Now, obviously, at that point, I thought of something funny to say." "I had this devil on my shoulder." ""Go on, say it. lt'll be hilarious!"" ""Go on, say it." "You might die but it'll be funny." "Go on!"" "On the other shoulder, there's an angel going, "l'd quite like some pudding."" ""Now's not the time."" ""Alright, then." "My life's rubbish." "Stop that!"" "I'm faced with that dilemma." "I'm thinking, "Oh, God!"" ""Big laugh." "Might die." "Ohhh!"" "It's like that thing." "If a tree falls in a forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound?" "If you think of something hilarious to say to a drug dealer and there's no one there to laugh their tits off, will you still get stabbed?" "You know, it's that level of higher thinking." "You know..." "What I should of done is gone, "Look, you're a very scary man."" ""Leave me alone." "I'd quite like to live."" "But I didn't, cos there's something wrong with me." "He looked at me and went, "Are you chasing?"" "I just went, "Oh, go on, then."" ""Ten, nine, eight, seven, six..." "Coming ready or not!"" "That really is all from me." "I'll see you again." "Thanks very much." "Cheers, now."