"Okay, Michelle, now, the key to house hockey is no high-sticking no cross-checking, and breaking a lamp will cost you 10 minutes in the penalty box with Comet." "Daddy said no hockey in the house." "Right, but the beauty part is, Daddy's not home." "So if you don't tell, I won't tell." "This is very sneaky, but I like it." "[JOEY CHUCKLING]" "[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Now, you must try to shoot the puck past the world famous goalie, moi." "You must be very, very tricky because nothing gets by Pierre de le Pâté." "Look!" "Daddy's home." "Score!" "In your face, Pâté." "[JOEY CHUCKLING]" "You think you are too tricky, sacré bleu les enfants...." "[PLAYING KEYBOARD]" "[IN MUFFLED VOICE] Okay, Comet, this is how you fetch the morning paper." "You bring it into the house, bring it to your master and drop it in his lap." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Like that." "Good boy, Danny." "Would you like me to rub your tummy now?" "No, but I could use a little scratch behind the ears." "In the living room." "Good boy." " Hi." "DANNY:" "Hi, Becky." " Hi, sweetheart." " Hi." " We'd better get down to the station." " Great." "You know what I love about our show?" "We take a hard-hitting look at the important social issues facing our society." " What's on this morning's schedule?" " Celebrity pasta salads." "All right." "Free food." "[BECKY LAUGHING]" "BECKY:" "See you later, honey." " See you, guys." "Oh, Jess, why did I eat this candy apple for breakfast?" "I don't know." "Maybe to wash down the corn dog?" "No." "Because it was calling me." ""Psst, hey." "Joey." "[CHUCKLES]" "Come here." "Look, I'm juicy, and I'm gooey and I'm on a stick."" "That's the same thing the corn dog said." "Anyhow, that sticky goop pulled out one of my fillings." " That must kill." " Only when I go like this:" "[INHALES SHARPLY]" "Ow!" "Don't go like that." "The dentist can see me this morning." "You gotta cover for me." "It's my day to be parent volunteer at Michelle's preschool." "No, no, no." "I'm not gonna waste my free morning with a bunch of whiny, sticky-fingered, runny-nosed ankle-biters." "Jess, you leave me no choice." "Michelle!" "I'm ready, Joey." "Whatever you two bozos have cooked up, it ain't gonna work." "Uh, Michelle, how would you feel if your Uncle Jesse went to preschool with you?" "I'd be the happiest girl in the whole world." "Joseph, I've lived with this kid for four years." "I'm cute-proof." "Well, then you won't mind my asking." "Michelle, how would you feel if your Uncle Jesse didn't go with you?" "I'd be the saddest girl in the whole world." "Michelle are you just saying that because Joey told you to?" "And because I love you." "Oh, beautiful save." "All right, call her off." " I'll go to preschool with you." " Thank you." "[WHISPERS] That was easy." "Here you go, Steph." "Hot off the press." "Your free copy of our school newspaper." "Gee, thanks." "News about kids I don't know at a school I don't go to." "Check out my new column, "Madame Kimmy's Horoscope."" "Oh, if the words are too big for you to read, you can always color on it." "[LAUGHING]" "Horoscope?" "What's that, Kimmy?" "A telescope that can only see your face?" "[LAUGHING]" "Well, as editor of the school paper, I must say, Kimmy did an excellent job." "She got all the astrological signs right, except for "aquarium, the fish tank."" "Are you saying Kimmy can tell the future?" "She can barely tell time." "D.J., read Stephanie's horoscope." "I bet you all of Madame Kimmy's predictions come true." "[IN FOREIGN ACCENT] Let's see what the stars foretell, young Capricorn." ""Your day starts with good fortune."" "Wrong already, Kimmy's here." ""Afternoon brings unpleasant surprise."" "What happens?" "Kimmy comes back?" ""Then, a misunderstanding will occur at home." "Exercise extreme caution after dark."" "Go now, I must rest." "Your day starts with good fortune." "Maybe you should check your pocket." "Wow, a dollar!" "Just like my horoscope said." "Uh-oh." "Does this mean all that bad stuff's gonna happen too?" "Chill, squirt." "I put that dollar in your pocket." "Now the joke's over, give it back." "Not so fast." "Kimmy, your horoscope says:" ""You will make a financial blunder."" "Your blunder, my buck." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Let's see what mine says." "[IN FOREIGN ACCENT] "You will talk with a bad accent."" " Let's go, we're missing all the fun." " All right, all right." "Michelle, I'm not really into this preschool gig so don't make a big deal that I'm here, okay?" "You got it, dude." "[KIDS CHATTERING]" "Hey, everybody, this is my Uncle Jesse." "ALL:" "Hi, Uncle Jesse!" "Hi, rug rats." "I'm Mrs. Manning." " Welcome to preschool, Uncle Jesse." " Huh, okay." "Nice to meet you." "Listen, I'll just, uh, stay out of your way." "Wake me up for naptime." "Uncle Jesse, you're our special helper today." "And special helpers get to join in all the fun." "Aw, no, I'm not really that experienced in the, uh, "special helper" field." "I'm really a musician by trade." "That's perfect, because today is music day." "Perfect." "Okay, everybody, gather around the magic carpet." "Pick up your instruments." "Uncle Jesse, you get to sit in the magic chair." "It'll be magic if I can fit into this thing." "[JESSE EXHALES THEN CLEARS THROAT]" "GIRL:" "Hey, you have to have it Indian style." "[KIDS SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]" "[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]" "Sitting in a magic chair, on a magic carpet with the Munchkin Tabernacle Choir." "I feel like a doofus." "Let's play music, Uncle Doofus." "[CHUCKLING]" "Very, very cute." "Never say that again." "Uncle Jesse can sing like Elvis." "Wonderful." "Why don't you play the children a song?" "Oh, I don't think the King played a lot of preschools." "He's chicken!" "Oh, yeah, like I'm really gonna respond to the challenge of a 4-year-old." "[CLUCKING LIKE A CHICKEN]" "Give me that guitar." "Uncle Jesse, Aaron took my tambourine." "Hey, be cool, man." "There's no stealing on the magic carpet." "Keep that up and you're gonna end up in magic prison." " Thank you very much." " All right, here we go." "We're gonna do a tune about a cat we know." "He goes by the name of Farmer." "Guess where he lives?" "Know where he lives?" "Oh, you don't?" "In the dell." "That's where." "The fabulous, crazy, wacky dell." "That's where the cat lives." "All right, let's do it, a little like this:" "[PLAYING GUITAR]" "[SINGING]" "[KIDS  MRS. MANNING CHEERING]" " Thank you." "Thank you." "KIDS [CHANTING]:" "More, more!" " More, more, more!" " The farmer has left the building." "Thank you." "[KIDS LAUGHING]" "[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]" "Uncle Jesse, while I get ready for puppet time why don't you hand out these animal cookies?" "Sounds easy enough." "All right, who wants a cookie?" "KIDS:" "Me!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Watch the hair." "All right, who was first?" "KIDS:" "Me!" "Stupid question." "All right, all right, all right." "Here you go, you get an elephant." "You get a camel." "You get something with its head missing." "Come on, follow me." "Follow me." "What happened to my life?" "Hey, you ate my elephant." "It's in my tummy now." "[LAUGHS]" "Uncle Jesse, Aaron ate my elephant." "That's not fair." "Uh, go eat his cookie." "Somebody does something to you, do it back to them." "Works for me." "Here you go, clean hands." "Clean" " No, the clean hands." "Give me your cookie." "That was my camel." "It's in my tummy now." "[LAUGHS]" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "BOTH:" "Ow!" "What's going on here?" "Michelle pinched me." "Michelle, did you pinch Aaron?" "Yes, I did." "Wait a minute." "Did Aaron pinch you first?" "Yes, he did." "You both know that pinching is not allowed." "Uncle Jesse said to do it back." "The kid's been bugging her all morning." "And he called me Uncle Doofus." "Well, that's not how we settle things here." "I think both of you are going to have to sit in the corner for time-out." "Now, Aaron, over there." "Michelle, over there." "Me?" "I'm the good one." "Yeah, she's the good one." "Michelle, go." "You call this justice here?" "The kid was trying to defend herself." "It's not appropriate behavior for my classroom." "Hey, teach, I think you've been spending too much time on the old magic carpet." "There's a real world, these kids have to stick up for themselves." "They also have to learn that violence is not the answer." "Oh, you're saying anybody can just come and eat her elephant?" "I want my niece to stand up for herself." "The punishment stands." "I'm sorry." "I'm in charge at this school." "Oh, yeah?" "Maybe Michelle shouldn't be at this school." "Come on, Michelle." "We're out of here." "Kids, say goodbye to Michelle." "KIDS:" "Bye!" "This is great." " Hi." " Joey, you're back from the dentist." "You have got to try this Ted Koppel capellini." "[MUMBLING] I can't." "I had Novocain." "And then they went:" "[IMITATES DRILL BUZZING]" "[IMITATES SUCTION HOSE]" " And then I had a root canal." " What did he say?" "You heard him, he said he had:" "[MUMBLES] "Root canal."" "Thanks for clearing that up." "[PHONE RINGING]" "I got it." "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Lulu." "Yeah." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]" "Uh-huh." "[LAUGHING]" "DANNY:" "Hi." " Hi." "BECKY:" "Hi." "DANNY:" "Hi, Michelle." " Where did you get all this stuff?" " At the zoo." "I saw lions and tigers and bears." "Oh, my." "What happened to preschool?" "I quit preschool." "You quit preschool?" "She didn't actually quit." "I kind of pulled her out of there." "Danny, this preschool thing is-- Is way overrated." "Tell your daddy what you learned today in the real world." "A camel can spit." "One day you're gonna be glad I pulled her out." "How could you do this?" "It happens to be an excellent preschool." "Michelle's getting a foundation that's gonna carry her through grades K through 12, college, Harvard Law School." "You have robbed our nation of one of the finest legal minds the Supreme Court has ever known." "I gotta go potty." "I know you're upset, but I'm sure that Jesse had a very good reason for pulling her out of preschool." " Yeah, I'm sure." "He's out of his mind." " Tell him, honey." "They were gonna make Michelle sit in a corner." " And then?" " That's it." "You're right." "He's out of his mind." "You guys weren't there." "This kid was bugging her all morning." "Told her to stick up for herself, kid pinched her, she pinched him." "A real good one too." " Oh, that's a great lesson." " Oh, it worked for me as a kid." "An eye for an eye, a pinch for a pinch." "That's the only way you can survive on those streets." "What streets?" "Michelle's not even allowed out of the backyard." "I want the kid to learn to stand up for herself." "So do I, but that's no reason to pull her out without consulting me first." " I thought I was here to help my nieces." " Those happen to be my daughters." "What am I?" "Just hired help?" "You know what?" "I'll cook dinner." "Chicken or pork chops?" "I'd hate to make a big decision without consulting the king first." "Jess, just cook whatever you want." "I" " I do kind of feel like chicken though." "[MOANING]" "Oh, it's childproof." "Joey, I'm freaking out." "Kimmy's horoscope said I'd have an unpleasant surprise." "And it happened." "Instead of pizza, the cafeteria served pimento loaf." "It was like eating bologna with eyes." "I know what you mean." "I hate pimento loaf." "It's the worst." "Joey, I can't understand you." "Hey, wait a second." ""A misunderstanding will occur at home."" "I'm at home." "I'm misunderstanding you." "I'm freaking out again!" "[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]" "Kimmy, what do you think about this for next week's editorial?" ""Tardiness:" "Are we really late or does class start just a bit too early?"" "What are you doing?" "Practicing for the nerd Olympics?" "Kimmy, everything in your horoscope came true." "Now it says to exercise extreme caution after dark." "That's why I'm sleeping with Michelle's night-light." "Well, I guess I better tell you the truth, kid." "I don't know anything about astrology." "I just copied those horoscopes out of old newspapers." "You mean, thanks to this woman I spent my whole day freaking out over nothing?" "How rude!" "Hey, you stole my clown light." "Michelle, I just needed to borrow it." "That's mine." "You're in big trouble, mister." "Ow." " What's going on here?" " Did you see what Michelle just did?" " No." "Michelle, what did you just do?" " I did this:" "Ow!" " Michelle, stop pinching Stephanie." " You said I could." "No, no, it was different." "I" " I said you could before because Aaron took your cookie." "Stephanie took my lamp." "But in one case, somebody took something that was yours but in the other case, somebody took something that was yours." "Oh, boy." "Give it back or you're getting it again." "Crab girl, put away those pincers." "Come on, follow me." "We're going to my room." "I'll be back for the clown." "All right, Michelle, we have to have one of our world famous talks." "Now I'm not very happy about it, but, uh, your Uncle Jesse was wrong today." "I know." "I'm as shocked as you are." "But I lost my cool today and I acted like a big jerk." "No problem." "It is a problem." "See, when I was a kid, I used to get in a lot of fights." "And looking back, I realized that I handled those fights all wrong." "I should have led with my jab." "No, just kidding." "I'm not proud of those fights." "No problem." "What I should've said was, if you have a problem you should try to solve it with words." "Like" " Like "Knock it off," or the ever-popular "Buzz off, bucko."" "If that doesn't work, you should try to find a parent or teacher to help you." "But absolutely no hitting or pinching." " Capiche?" " Capiche." "No more pinching." "Jess, I called Mrs. Manning and I straightened everything out." " You're going back to school tomorrow." " Okay, but it's Saturday." "Make that Monday then." "Danny, uh, I straightened a few things out with Michelle." "Michelle, tell your Daddy what you learned today." "Uncle Jesse is a big jerk." " You taught her that?" " No, I didn't teach her that." "No, actually, yeah." "Well, yeah, I did teach her that." "But I taught her no pinching." "That's what I taught her." "Danny, I'm sorry." "I owe you an apology." "I should've talked to you before I turned Michelle into a preschool dropout." "That's okay, Jess, I know you were just trying to protect her." "I wish there was some way I could make it up to you." "You know what?" "There is." "You are a very lucky man." "Because I told the school you're gonna be the special helper all next week." "[DANNY CHUCKLING]" " Isn't that good news, Michelle?" " That makes me very happy." "Come here." "Oh, boy, are you gonna have fun next week." "You can play guitar for the kids." "Do a lot of Elvis songs and sit in those little chairs." "It's great." "You could paint with the kids." "Is that right, Michelle?" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "[ENGLISH SDH]"