"(MALE VOICES SHOUTING IN GERMAN)" "(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)" "(MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN)" "DIRECTOR:" "Cut!" " Oh, for fuck's sake." " Okay, we'll get it on that, thank you." " Was I in it?" " I don't know." "No, I wasn't in it." "What is the point in getting all tarted up like this" " if you're not going to make it to the scene?" " You look quite dapper." " It's a Nazi uniform." " I know." "It's a bit natty, though, isn't it?" " Natty?" " I bet it's more comfortable than this." "This is riding up my clunge." "Can you imagine hiding from the Gestapo for weeks on end dressed like this?" "Yeah, it must have been awful." " It's actually very slimming that." " Yeah?" "I'll wear it out Friday night." "She's right." "I can see what she means." "Yeah?" "You think I look good in this?" "You should see me with a white sheet over my head setting fire to a cross." " Who's that?" " Not sure." "Seems nice." "I've got to get out of this, it's doing my back in." "Okay, take care moving on now." "Thanks, chaps." " Do you know what worries me?" " Don't know." "Where do baby ants go to school?" "Go on." "No, all these people going about pretending to be nuns." " What do you mean?" " Do you think that's right?" " It's a film." " I know." "But they're all wandering around as holy ladies." "Wouldn't that offend God or someone?" " Offend God or someone?" " Does it not worry you a bit?" "No." "What, offending God?" "I'm an atheist." "What one's that?" "Is that the one where you haven't decided what..." "No, that's agnostic." "I'm an atheist." "I firmly believe there is no God." " Why?" " Wh..." "The burden of proof is not on me." "The burden of proof is on the people who say there is a God." "I don't believe in God, I believe in science." "Do you not believe in anything like ghosts or spirits or anything?" "No, I don't believe in ghosts or spirits or elves." "Certainly not God, no." "So what do you think happens when you die?" "Well, if you're buried, you go in the ground and you're worm food." "See, I don't like that." "I would rather believe that there is a God and your soul just floats away on to eternity." "All your friends from school will be there, all the ones you haven't seen for ages, and all your dead pets and just, like, all nice people." "You don't have to worry about worms." "You believe in God, then." "I think I need to go for a wee." "Oh, that's the third one already." "Good." "Well, keep me posted throughout the week." "Maybe keep a journal." "Oh, God!" " What have you done?" " What?" "What's happened?" "Are you all right?" "No, I've got cerebral palsy." "Don't worry." "Oh, good." " I thought you'd had a fall or something." " No, I'm cool." "Really." "Oh, hello, then." "I'm Maggie." "I'm Suzanne again and this is my sister Fran." " Hello." " Good to meet you." " Are you in this as well?" " Oh, she's just here to watch." " I was going to say..." " Oh, I have a bit of spare time, you know, because my tap dancing class was cancelled so..." "Right." "Joke, tap dancing, me." "Right." "Yeah, yeah." " I've got a question about your props." " Go on." " Where's all this stuff come from?" " You just buy it." "What, there's a shop for a 30 foot swastika is there?" "No, I got that from home." "It's my Nan's." "Here she is." " All right?" " Yeah." "Hey, do you want to have lunch with us later?" "I can't." "I've got to go and see my fool of an agent." " Still going well, is it?" " I went in the other day, right, and he said to me, "Andy," he said, "if I don't get a decent client soon," ""I'm going to have to go full time at The Carphone Warehouse."" "Unbelievable." " Here, got to go." " See you later." " Go and move some props around." " Will do." " Going well, is it?" " Yeah, it's good." "That's longer than a day you've been going out with this one." " Three weeks." " That has got to be a record for you." " Cheekiness." " No, well done." "Good bloke." " Well, I'm glad you like him." " Yeah, good." " What?" " Nothing." " Married?" " No." " Gay?" " No!" "It is something, though." "He likes to talk dirty on the phone." "He'll call me up and he's coming out with all this filth." "Why would you tell me that?" "What does he say?" "What does he say?" "He calls up and says things like..." ""Ooh, what are you doing?"" "What do you say?" "I didn't know what was going on at first, didn't realise, and I was just honest with him and I said, "I'm just cleaning out the vegetable drawer of the fridge."" "Well, he probably thought that was a euphemism." ""Oh, I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer." "Oh, I am scrubbing my front step."" " Have you talked dirty back to him?" " No." " Have you?" " No, I have not." "I don't know what to say to him." "It's too embarrassing." " Yeah." " What if I say something and he laughs at me or something and it's too much and he gets all offended?" "Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Oh, I'm playing with myself."" "Oh, that sounds interesting." " Hi." "Not me, her." " Go on." "Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him." "Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward." "Why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like..." ""I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas."" "You know, something a bit jokey and then you can get more hardcore." "Rattle off the old classics like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows."" ""I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb ferret." And then go straight in hard," ""Get round here because I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it."" " All right?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Anyway, better get on." "Good luck." "Love to Sam Mendes." "Kate Winslet just talking dirty to..." "Anne Frank and Joseph Goebbels." "Just... another normal day." " Guten Tag, Fräulein." " Oh, hi." "(WITH GERMAN ACCENT) What is this "Oh, hi"?" "Sorry, is that meant to be German?" "You are resisting the great German sense of humour." "You are English, ya?" "Then I have something for you that will make you roll in the aisles." "This is funny to you, yeah, because it looks like a thingy." "Yeah." "Actually, this will make you laugh." "Jesus, look, pissed up nutter over there." "She's had a few." "Actually, is she pissed or mental?" "Oh, here she comes." " That's my sister." " Huh?" "She's got cerebral palsy." "No... not... her." "Another nutter that was..." "Not another nutter, she's not..." "She's gone now, the one I meant." "Shot on and just shot off again." " Hi." " Hi." " This is my sister." " Hiya." " Francesca." " You all right?" "Hiya, you all right?" "What do you do in this, then?" "What Judith...?" " No, she said what do you do in this?" " Oh, a background artist." "Oh, right." "And what does that entail?" "What does that entail?" "Yeah, just standing around, really." "Although it's not what I do." "I'm a real actor, this is just sort of like pocket money." "Yeah, well I bet they all say that, don't they?" "All right, mate." "Come and check this out." "I just typed in 58,008 into a calculator... and lo and behold, amazingly, it comes up "boobs"." "You see that?" "That's worth knowing, isn't it?" "Good." "What can I do..." "Oh, sorry." "Better get that." "Hang on." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Just..." "Hello?" "It's gone." "That's... annoying." "It's weird that, it always happens with that one." " Turn it off." " Okay, I'll put it on vibrate." "How do you do that?" "Erm... what can I do for you?" "You called me in for a meeting." "Did I?" "What was that about?" "I don't know, you said you wanted to see me." "All right." "I'll just check on here." " What's the gist of it?" " It'll be on here." "I've got everything organised on there so it's all..." "I'm looking at the wrong date." " Erm... it's the third today, isn't it?" " Fourth." "Fourth." "Yeah, I was looking at the wrong date." "Tuesday 3rd, blank." "What does it say here?" "It just says, today, "catch-up meeting"." "Just to catch up, really, with you and find out what's been happening" " tell you about what's coming in and..." " Okay, what's coming in?" "Nothing's come in according to that." " Nothing's come in?" " No." "Okay, good." "Well, that was well worth it." "Apart from sitting there waiting for the phone to ring, what have you done?" "Have you called anyone?" "Have you sent the script out?" "What script?" "Sorry?" "Oh, man, the script I gave you two months ago." "That sounds good." " The sitcom." " Yeah?" "Funny?" "You haven't read it?" "What's it called?" "Because I can get on to that." " When the Whistle Blows." " I'll just write down "When the 'W' Blows."" "Don't put "W", you'll forget what the "W" stands for." "Write it out." " No, When the Wind Blows." " Whistle." "I'll put that in. "W" equals wind." " Whistle!" " Whistle." "It's there." " It's in." " That's safe then, is it?" "That's done." "I can forget about that." "That's on its way, yeah?" "I've got my best man on it?" " Yeah." " Safe hands, safe hands." " Do you want to put another meeting in?" " Any point?" "May as well." "And then when nothing comes in, just phone you up and cancel it." "That's a plan." "I don't think of him as an agent now." "I think of him as a bloke who had some cards printed up in a vending machine in the garage with the word "agent" on them." "That, to me, is his qualifications." "He sent me up for the lead role in Billy Elliot." "Yeah, right, the man in charge of my career." "I'm glad you're finding this funny." "She's laughing at my life." "Aw." "It must be lovely to see her laughing." "She laughs all the time." "She lives to laugh." "Well, you have to be able to laugh, don't you?" "Keeps you sane." "I thought she was sane?" "No, I mean, it keeps anybody sane." "Oh, right, yes." "People laughing and..." "You know, don't you reckon if you can laugh, you can cope with, like, anything?" "It's a God-given gift, isn't it?" "Laughing in the face of adversity." " You're quite religious, are you?" " Yeah, we both are." "We both really believe, right, that God gives us a struggle and that's the point of life, isn't it?" "You know, to overcome the difficulties thrown at you and the greatest thing is you know that in heaven, everything will be all right." "Maggie, do you believe in God or...?" " Yes, I do, I think, yes." " Oh, great." "And what about you, Andy?" "Do you believe in God?" "Like, do you believe everything will be okay in heaven?" "Yeah." " What faith are you?" " What...?" " What faith are you?" " Catholic." " Oh, really?" "So are we." " Oh, excellent." "Lot of us about and I am definitely one of us." "Catholicism, the "C" word." "Not the "C" word, a "C" word." "Heaven, yeah, amazing." "It's going to be brilliant up there." "You're going to have an amazing time, you'll love it." "Be like Ibiza or something." "Please, Lord... let us know that you have seen what we have seen." "Please, Lord." "You have to let us know that we are not alone." "Thank you, Lord." "DIRECTOR:" "Cut!" "Christ, that is bloody hot." "Oh, fuck, my fucking knees." " Can we go again on that?" " Not now." " Does it have to be that hot?" " It's okay now." "I'm sweating like a bastard." "No wonder they lose their rag sometimes." "Oh, hiya." "How did it go with your dirty phone call?" "Oh, I haven't done it yet." "I'm working up to it." "Well, here is another one that's always good." "Just do all the preliminary stuff and then you go, "Hang on," ""why is the slut from next door just coming into my bedroom and is taking her bra off?"" "Then you just pretend you're getting it on with her." " I couldn't do that." " Course you can, you're an actress." "No, I'm not." "I'm just an extra." "You're the actress." " A brilliant actress, by the way." " Yeah, she is." "I'm an actor as well as..." "If there's a line going in this film, I'd love to be part of this." "I'd just like to say, I think, you know, you doing this is so commendable." "Using your profile to keep the message alive about the Holocaust." "My God, I'm not doing it for that." "I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we?" "It's, like, how many have there been?" "You know, we get it, it was grim, move on." "No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust, guaranteed an Oscar." "I've been nominated four times, never won." "And the whole world is going, "Why hasn't Winslet won one?"" "Definitely, yeah." "That's, er, that's why I'm doing it." "Schindler's bloody List." "The Pianist." "Oscars coming out of their arse." "Well, good luck, then." " It's a good plan." " Thank you." " Good luck with your phone call." " Okay." " See you later." " Bye." " Can we go again?" " Yeah, let's do it." "DIRECTOR:" "And action." "(BOOTS SQUEAKING)" "Sorry." "DIRECTOR:" "Cut there, thank you." "All right, reset, please." " Are you married or single?" " Why?" " I think my sister might like you a bit." " Really?" "She's only human." "...square head, I must say." "Anyway, I meant to ask you actually, a couple of friends of mine are having a get together tonight." "Wondered if you were free, would you like to come along?" " Yeah, yeah." " Great." "Definitely." "Ya!" "Oh, my God, I've got Jeremy Clarkson's clothes." " I can't..." "It's awful." " Well, what sort of a party is it?" "Well, she said a get together with some friends, probably casual, but I want to look good, don't I?" "Ooh!" "I know." "You said she was quite a classy, stylish..." " Yeah." "...type of lady." "This." "Look." "Lead us, heavenly Father, lead us, over the world's tempestuous sea." "Guard us, guide us, keep us, feed us for we have no help but Thee." "Yet possessing every blessing if our God our father..." " Lovely suit." " Thanks." "I like to look good for a prayer meeting." "...our God descending, fill our hearts with heavenly joy." "Love with every passion..." "How long is this going to take, out of interest?" " An hour and a half." " Hour and a half!" "Time for a drink afterwards?" " Yes." " Yes?" "...nothing can our peace destroy." "Isn't that lovely?" "Thank you, Lisa, it was lovely." "Hi, it's me." "Yeah, no, I'm good." "You?" "Good." "Yeah, I'm ready." "Okay." "I'm not wearing anything." "No, you're not wearing anything?" "Hey, both of us are not wearing anything." "What am I doing?" "Yeah." "Er..." "First off, I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." "Fudding." "I think she wanted me to wear my uniform." "You told her how good I looked in my...?" "Really nice." "Yeah, she really liked it." "Do you know what uniform it is?" "German." "I know, yeah." "With what they did, you should be ashamed of yourself." "I don't think you two have been formally introduced." " This is Andy, Father." " How are you, son?" "You don't have to do that." "I'm not the Pope." "No, old habits die hard." "My old priest used to make me kiss him on the ring." "On his finger." "There was none of that going on." "That makes me sick as well, people saying priests are paedophiles and kiddie fiddlers." "There's probably, I mean, there probably are." "I mean, you probably know some, but it's no higher percentage of perverts in..." "But they, you know..." "They're in all walks of life, aren't they?" "You know, there are nonces everywhere but let's not exaggerate it is what I'm saying." "I've never been touched by a priest." "I've been touched by God." "Not in that way." "In the heart but, you know... or..." "Er..." "Oh, condoms." "It's just..." "Do we need them?" "I don't think so." "Let the free seed of love gush forth." "Who was your confirmation saint?" "Mine?" " Saint Bernard." " Saint Bernard?" "Who was your priest growing up?" "Father." "Flaa-heer-ty." "Flah..." "Father Michael Flatley." " Michael Flatley?" " O'Flatley." "Irish fellow." " And where was his parish?" " Just the parish of where I grew up my town, the holy parish of Wokingham." "I've done a lot of work in the London and Thames area..." "Oh, yeah?" "...and I've never heard of a Father Michael O'Flatley." "No, he died." "Dead." "Untraceable." "He won't be replaced." "Not by me anyway." "He was a great man." " Can I ask you a personal question?" " Go for it." "And it may seem blunt, but honesty is a cornerstone of the Catholic faith." "Amen to that." " Are you a Catholic?" " Am I a...?" " Are you a Catholic?" " Am I a Catholic?" "Well, if you're asking to see some official documentation, you're going to be gutted." "Have you been confirmed?" "Have you ever taken Communion?" "No, actually." " Did Father Flatley exist?" " O'Flatley." "Did he ever exist?" "No." "Why have you been pretending to be a Catholic?" "Because it does no harm." "Does it?" " We've all had a laugh." " Was it just to get close to me?" "Well, I do fancy you if that's..." "Even you must think..." "And I thought you might not get off with someone who wasn't Catholic." "Sorry, I wouldn't get off with you anyway." "I don't believe in sex before marriage." "Really?" "In this day and age." "Bit annoying, to be honest." "I can't believe you lied to me just to try and sleep with me." "I'd already lied before I tried it on with you so..." "Well, what was the first lie?" "The f..." "I didn't want to upset her." "Sorry, what do you mean?" " Sorry, what the what?" " What do you mean?" "Oh." "Oh, well." "She was saying the only thing that keeps her going is the thought that one day she'll be in heaven and everything will be all right." "And I didn't want to go, "No, you're barking up the wrong tree, love." ""There's no God, there's no heaven." ""You're not going to be up there talking normally and running around..." ""Legs and playing volleyball and everything."" "So, I didn't..." "I said..." "It's like a white lie, isn't it?" "Look, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then you shouldn't do it." " But I want to make you happy." " I'm happy if you're happy." "It's just a silly little thing, isn't it?" "I mean, it's a bit of fun." "If you're not into it, so be it." "That's cool." " Really?" " I'm going out with you because of you." "My God, really?" " Do you know what?" " What?" "You're cool." "I like to think so." " Am I interrupting?" " Yes." " Good." " All right." " How are you?" " Good." " Oh, how was the date?" " The date?" "Erm... oh, good." "Let me just go over some highlights for you." "Lied to a priest in front of a room full of Christians." "Some of them elderly, some of them just weird and bewildered." "So insulted them and their belief system." "Made a woman hate me for the rest of her life." "Yeah?" "Didn't believe in God before." "Definitely going to hell." "I liked her as well." "Oh, here, listen, but don't worry." "I know someone who'd be perfect for you." "She's desperate and she has trouble hanging on to men 'cause she's clinically depressed." " Have you got her number?" " I do." "I think it's in my phone." "I'm being sarcastic because I don't want to go out with a psychopath." " She's quite nice underneath." " Oh, she just cuts you if she forgets to take her lithium." "Hi." "How did it go?" "With the phone?" "Oh, oh, this is my boyfriend Mike." "This is Mike, I don't think you've met before." "Mike, this is the actress Kate Winslet." " Hi, Mike." " Hiya, great to meet you." " How you doing?" " Do you want a tea?" "No, it's fine." "So, it's the weekend, you all got any big plans?" "I tell you what we're going to do, we're going to have a big spring clean." "Yeah, my husband's going to be rummaging around in my basement while I polish his Oscar." "I see what you mean." "No, I'm going to be in the garage probably." "Just cleaning the car." "Giving the old girl's headlamps a good soaping up." "Giving them a good seeing to." "Can I just say, I mean, you probably get this all the time, but can I just say I'm a big fan." " I've seen Titanic, like, five times as well." " Oh, that's sweet." " Have you seen Titanic?" " Yeah, great, brilliant." "A lot of it was..." "It's, erm..." "A lot of it is CGI actually, you know that?" " Half the boat..." " Really?" " What you doing?" " Just checking that." "Is it all right?" "Yeah, I think so." "So you've told them, have you?" "About the phone call?" " No, no, I haven't." " You've told them about the phone call." "I can't believe you told other people." "Hey, where you going?" "Just..." "You know everything anyway so you might as well watch the break-up." " What?" "No, listen..." " Well, how can I trust you now?" "Were you really doing anything?" "When you said you were rubbing it, were you really rubbing it?" "No." "I don't know what to do." "I don't know what to do, this is such a betrayal." " You're just laughing at me behind my back." " I'm not." "Then what's all this with her?" " I was getting advice." " Off Kate Winslet?" "Are you proud of yourself?" "Are you?" "You think because you were in the biggest film ever you've got the right to mock the little people?" "No." "So that stuff about your husband polishing his Oscar," " was that supposed to mean wanking?" " Yeah." "And your basement meant?" "My fanny." "Pathetic." "Thanks very much." "I keep seeing her around." "What is up with her?" "She's got cerebral palsy." "Oh, that's worth remembering, I tell you." "That is another way you win an Oscar." "Seriously, think about it." "Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot." "Oscar." "Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, Oscar." "John Mills, Ryan's Daughter, Oscar." " Yeah." " Seriously." "You are guaranteed an Oscar if you play a mental." " See you later." " Cheers." "(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS)"