"1x11 'An Affair To Remember'" "New York is a crowded city." "Millions of people competing for a tiny amount of space." "Nobody cuts you any slack." "Nobody gives you a break." "Everybody's out for themselves." "Day in, day out, it is you against the world." "In a city like this, the only way to survive is with the help of your friends." "What do you mean you're kicking me out?" "You've been crushing with us for three days and it is Mounique's appartmenr and she wants some alone time with her boyfriend." "Yeah, but you shag constantly." "How much more alone time do you need?" "Not me, her boyfriend." "He gets back from Thailand tomorrow." "Yeah, but my sublet is up." "Come on, where am I supposed to stay?" "No, never again." "All I'm saying is hair on the soap." "What does it bother you?" " I couldn't even see the soap!" "It's a sight of my masculinity." "I'm not gonna apologize for that." "You could stay with me." "I mean, we'd have to sleep head to toe, but hat fun for me, like scouts and all." "Jim, I'm gonna have to decline your homo-erotic offer." "I appreciate your loyalty." "Did you sign for these?" "What answer won't get me yelled at?" "Apparently that one." "I am not paying for damaged goods!" " What?" "I said I'm not paying for damaged goods." " What?" "Are you nuts?" "Which ones are damaged?" " This one." "Stop!" "And this guy right here" " What are you doing to my truck?" "This one." "Hey, I'm walking here!" "Oh, God, I'm sorry, I didn't..." "Minchione!" "Nice arm." "Oh, God, I'm sorry about your jacket." "Why don't you come inside?" "I'll put club soda on it." "No need." "I live right upstairs." "Oh, you're the one I hear cursing in Italian!" "I also walk around naked, but that's more of a visual thing." "Hello, Jack." "After all this time, you're still frightened of me." "This is good." "Why do you smell of tomatoes?" "A problem with the vendor outside." "I'll make a call." " Great." "In return I have a small favor to ask of you." "Feel free to say 'no'." "Really?" " No, it's a large favor." "You have to do it." "A private party?" "That's our dark night." "We are not working a private party." "You do it for Pino." "Just think of it as a party you're all invited to, except you'll be working and your not invited." "Cool." "Still not feeling it, Jack." "Yeah?" "Well, my mother's in town and my father is throwing her a party and I am setting the menu." "So you're gonna do it." "Set her straight, Tea Bag!" " Okay, again with the nicknames." "Why can't you be a human being?" " And why can't you just be a Tea Bag?" "What does that mean?" " Guys, let's not turn on each other." "It's her we hate." " Great." "Hate me, as long as you fear me." " We don't fear you." "Why do you hate me?" "Private party tomorrow night." "New menu, short fuse." "This is what I live for." "I love what I do." "Yeah, about that... we think that you should quit the business." "What?" "You're horrible." "You're just not chef material." "Your food is..." "Band, obvious, boring." " It tastes like you, if you were food." "Guys, you're smashing my dream." "It won't hurt so much if you just stop struggling." "Okay, I will not stop struggling, ok?" "Cooking, this, this is my everything." "Cooking isn't about struggling, it's about pleasure." "It's just sex with a..." "wider variety of sauces." "Well, I wouldn't know about that." "Wait, are you saying you're a virgin?" "Well, I haven't had coytus, if that's what you mean." "That's not funny." "That is why you're a terrible chef!" "You're a virgin!" "That..." "I... you know..." "I don't think that would matter." "Because you're a virgin!" " If you wanna be a great chef, your only hope is to have sex immediately." "Can't I just use more salt or something?" "You want the shrimp Fra Diablo delivered where?" "But that's our address." "What's wrong?" " Somebody's calling for takeout." "Okay." " Inside the restaurant." "Pull yourself together!" "Excuse me... this is..." "Sorry, the kitchen's closed." "Oh, it's naked cursing Italian lady." " Cursing Italian lady?" "In that case, I'll put my best man right on it." "Hello?" "Hey, it's Jack Bourdain from restaurant downstairs with you're, uh..." "Don't worry if you're naked, I have my eyes closed." "Yeah, well then I have plans tonight too, and they also involve a cheap blonde." "Just put that right down there." "No, it's too late for that now." "It is too late for that you selfish son of a bitch!" "Probably your mom?" "Guys, I really don't wanna do this." "Opie, Opie." "You wanna be a great chef?" "You must first experience carnal pleasure." "But I can't talk to women." "I'm not good at tooting my own horn." "I'm not a tooter." "Relax, buddy." "Steven's doing the tootin' for you." "It's a sad story." "Two weeks to live." "That is so tragic." "You know, he doesn't really look sick." " Yeah, he does." "Because the real tragedy is he'll he'll die without even knowing the warm embrace of a female." "Breaks my heart, really." "You are the most sensitive man I've ever met." "Wha...?" "He's kissing her?" "How is that gonna help me?" "God, that is just so selfish, man!" "Did he forget that we are here to help Jim?" "Yeah, he's using how pathetic you are to score with the ladies." "And it's working." "Because he looks so totally normal." "And yet the IQ of an eggplant." "Aw." "Thistle milk!" "And I just don't feel right, you know, letting him waste away in that special chair." "After all, it was... my nail gun." "You can't keep blaming yourself." "So when I found him, he was covered in his own filth." "So, you tell me that kid was raised by wolves?" "Darn me!" "What I'd like you to focus on is my sympathy for my friend." "Thanks for staying." "I really needed someone to talk to." "Hey, look, I might just be the guy who brought your shrimp, but... your boyfriend sounds like a real jackass who doesn't deserve you." "Fresh pepper?" "You really think so?" " Yes." "And I think that deep down you know that he's not gonna leave his wife for you." "So what does it boil down to?" "It boils down to you and your lack of self-esteem." "Shall I grate some Parmigian?" " You're right!" "Why should I be loyal to a man who is disloyal to me?" "You want more." "You want better." " I want dessert." "Sex is like any other hunger." "If you're starving and someone serves it up on a platter," "you're gonna dive right in." "The problem is... there's no such thing as a free lunch." "Pino is your boyfriend?" "Actually, I started out as his accountant." "No, you are his concubine, your his "account-cubine"!" "Bellissima?" " You can go to hell!" "I'm home." "Where are you, darling?" "Get off!" "Get off me!" "Morning." "That's good." "Just get my laundry." "So you nailed Pino's mistress." "Brilliant, feed the chicken." "No, no, no." "I will not feed the chicken." "There is no chicken." "This never happened." "Then why did you tumbled from the sky in you underpants?" "I don't have a convincing response to that." "Even if Pino does find out, who cares?" "He's European." "They're very open-minded about these things." "Good." "Open-minded." "I'm probably worried about nothin'." "Europeans!" "What happened to you?" " Nothing." "About the tomatoes..." " What?" "Tell your boss there'll be no trouble in the future." "None." "And also I got him this clock-radio." "I want to thank him for not killing me." "Thank you!" "Yeah, you're a dead man." "You have to promise not to tell anybody about this... not the night of Pino's party." "Who am I gonna tell?" "You slept with Pino's mistress?" " Did you ever stop to think about us?" "How's that gonna affect me and Tea Bag?" " Just stop it." "And it's never gonna catch on." "I went upstairs to drop off some shrimp Fra Diablo and sex was... just unintentional, man." "Did it ever occur to you that if Pino kills you, ...we are all out of work." " Out of work!" "No, but next time I risk my life by sleeping with the boss's mistress," "I'll make sure to think about how that's gonna affect Seth and Tea Bag." "Thank you!" "Tea Bag." "It is kind of catchy." "Excuse me." "I just came tu return these." "Ok, we really need to." "No, no don't..." "Why can't we be together?" "Baby, I can think of literally a thousand reasons why." "No!" "what are you... no sweeping." "Don't sweep." "You're sweeping." "Don't sweep." "What are you doing with your leg?" "No, no, no." "You need to be with Pino." "You said Pino was a kackass." " I didn't." "He is a jackass." "No, I didn't say that!" "But you said I deserve loyalty." " You want loyalty?" "You give it." "But I already cheated on him." "After the canceled dinner, so technically that's not cheating." "And even if it was, it's OK, because... sometimes the absence of loyalty is the highest form of loyalty." "What?" " I believe Jesus said that." "This is all so confusing." "Love is confusing." "And you are in love with Pino." "So you need to forget about me and destroy every shred of evidence that I was ever upstairs." "Oh, hey Tanya." "Are you okay?" "Tanya, if you had a box of cookies that you were saving to share with... someone special, but your friends wanted you to open the box right away... what would you do?" "I'd probably open it immediately and jam my face in there and eat 'em all, 'cause when it comes to cookies," "I can't get enough." " Oh my God." "But I'd regret it, 'cause nothing tastes as good as that first cookie, and you'll never have that cookie again." "Yeah." "I should wait." "Thank you, Tanya." "That's, that's good." "Or... you could take 'em out and lick 'em and put 'em back." "That way, even if somebody else gets them you know that you had 'em first." "So you told her he was raised by wolves?" "And she actually bought that?" "Oh, yeah, she bought it." "And she paid retail gladly." "With Jim, you can say anything." "So did you go home and..." "What's wrong with the baby spinach salad?" "There's not enough baby in it?" " All right, look." "Tonight is my one chance to prove to my father that I am something more than a waitress." "Don't touch me." "So I'd appreciate it if you guys could work with me just, just this one time." "No." " It's not gonna happen." "There you are!" " Oh, hi." "Busy." "Will you stop hiding in the kichen?" "Okay, I..." " I want to introduce my new chef to my friends and family." "Come on." "You're right." "I will cover the kitchen." "All right, people, keep doin' what you're doin'." "Hey, Ramon, those dishes aren't gonna wash themselves." "Ramon!" " Nobody's gonna miss her." "Grace, this is our head chef, Jack Bourdain." "Jack, my wife, Grace." "Oh, a pleasure." "Pino has such exquisite taste in women." "Woman!" "Woman!" "Just you." "There's just one." "Jack, I can't belive it's taken this long to meet you." "I've heard so much about you." "Oh, and I've heard so much about you." " You're right." "He is a good liar." "No, no, I'm not a liar..." "So, what's the secret to a happy marriage?" " His and hers cities." "God." "You see, that comes from knowing and loving for a long, long time." "Oh, here's to Pino and to..." "Gia!" "Oh, my God!" "I didn't expect to, uh..." "I didn't expect to see you here." "Yes, what a complete and total surprise." "Who is this?" "This is Gia." "Oh, cacchio." "She's our accountant." "Nolita's accountant." "We were working together today and I just thought, why not invite her?" "Yeah, why not?" "Jack." " Yeah?" "Perhaps, you'd like to show my mom around the kitchen." "Okay." " No, my mom." "Kitchen." " Okay." "Show her." "Now." " Yeah, I know." "I'm just gettin' ready." "Okay, let's go." "Ladies." "So, this is the kitchen." "This is Jim, your tour guide." "He's the only one I trust to give you thorough and accurate tour of the kitchen." "Really?" " Huh?" "Really?" " Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "And don't skip anything." "Hi." " Hi." "I'm, I'm Jim for starters." "And, uh, welcome to the magical world of cooking." "Let's do this thing." "Look, she's here, she's here." " Uh, what, the crazy mistress?" "And the ball-busting wife." "Don't look." "Help me." " Why'd you tell me to look?" "I'm not sure which to expect first, castration or unemployment." "This is Seth, our pâtissier." "This is Grace, Pino's wife." "Pino's wife?" "No, no." "That's impossible." "These guys." "They do stuff like this all the time." "You okay?" "Jack, my father wants to see you." "Does he look like he wants to kill somebody?" " Does he never not look like that." "Hey." "Look like you own the place." "Jack, you're loyal to me, uh?" "A man I can trust." "That's right, I am." "No matter what you hear from anyone." "I have a small favor to ask you." "Feel free to say no." "So, you have a large favor and, uh..." "I have to do it." "Does it involve food or the mistress?" " The food I can live with." "You wanna go over the books now?" "I'm the chef!" "I can't be in here with you alone!" "I don't care anymore." "I'm gonna tell him everything." "How may of those have you had?" "4 upstairs, 3 down here." "That's 12 all-in." "And you're an accountant?" "You know." "Maybe tonight wasn't a good idea for you to be here." "You're the one who said I should try to get him back." "I've got a plan." " A plan?" "Good." "Plans are constructive." "I'm gonna burn his marriage down." "And this is Ramon de la Cruz which, if I'm not mistaken... is Spanish for "King of the Dishwashers"." "Let's move on, shall we?" " Yes, why don't we?" "So, you see now why this is not a good plan?" "Yes, I do." "You've convinced me." "So, you're not gonna to destroy the marriage and burn the house down?" "I've been shtuping him." " What?" "He's my new boyfriend." "What do you think about that?" "What is she talking about?" " What is she talking about?" "I asked you first." " Our plan." "You see." "Grace will think that she's sleeping with me, so then she can't know if she's sleeping with you." "That's brilliant." " It is?" "Dad?" "A word." "God, I'm good." "Why is your mistress here?" " My mistress?" "Oh, bellissima." "No, no, no." "I have been covering for you for years." "I am not gonna do it anymore." "You bring her to mom's party?" "That is the final straw." " She wandered down from upstairs." "Upstairs?" "She's the reason why I didn't get that apartment?" "She's the tenant who won't move out?" "Fine." "The apartment's yours." "I don't want it now." "That's disgusting." "Well, what do you want, darling?" "And so, I'd like to introduce you to the new owner of Nolita... my daughter Mimi." "Yeah, she is gonna be insufferable." "Oh, sweetie, I'm so happy for you." "I know." "It's crazy." "Can you belive it?" "I have something to say." "Pino, I'm..." "I'm gonna be sick." "You are definitely going to be audited." "You made Mimi the boss?" "After all I've done for you, you made Mimi the boss." "You're right Jack." "I owe you." "Come with me." "It's all yours." "Are you serious?" " As a heart attack." "What about Gia?" " I'm moving her to my place in Milan." "You're moving to Milan?" "Ready for the big night out, huh?" "No." "No." "Hey, buddy, check the board." "I got him tonight." "No, no, no, there'a a mixer in NYU." "Coeds love him." "Ok, you know what?" "That's enough." "I'm not going out with either of you tonight." "I've officially retired as sex mascot." "Hey, don't be like that, man!" "I got you fudge." "Huh?" "You can keep your stupid fudge." "I don't care if you guys don't think I'm a good chef, I don't care." "I'm, I'm gonna wait until I find the right woman." "Because... if I give that cookie away..." "I'll never get it back." "Well, you keep a firm grip of your little cookie." "Don't need that, eh?" "Dead weight." "I'm really proud of you." "Yeah, well, you gave me the courage." "Hey, where's Jim?" " Uh, he's bailed." "Loser." "He doesn't know what he's missin'." " I know." "So, mixer..." "NYU?" " Yeah." "You wanna be my deaf cousin?" " Nah, I'm always the deaf cousin." "Why?" "Why?" "Think about it." "Here she comes." "Here she comes." " No." "Forget it." "I'm not gonna do it." "I'd do it to help you get some." " I don't wanna get some." "Yeah, and I do." "So, we're on the same page." "Do it!" "Do it!" "Come on!" " Fine!" "Nice!" "Help, quick!" "Someone!" "Hey, you!" "Oh, my goodness!" "What happened to your friend?" "Oh, he's not my friend." "He's, he's... my brother." "Oh, you poor thing." "Hey, what are you idiots doin' out here?" "The party starts in three hours." "Is he havin' a seizure?" "Oh, I fell in poop!"