"ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR," "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX." "SHAKE IT, DUDE." "[ ?" "]" "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR." "Ted:" "INTERNET ACCESS:" "$38.00." "ADULT PORN SITE MEMBERSHIP:" "$29.95." "WATCHING MEN JERK OFF" "FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME:" "PRICELESS." "MASTURBATE THE POSSIBILITIES." "All:" "[ Chuckling ]" "Michael:" "ALL YOU'RE SHOWING IS A TWINK BEATING HIS MEAT." "AND YOUR POINT BEING?" "WELL, THERE MUST BE EIGHT GAZILLION GAY PORN SITES." "I-I PERSONALLY HAVE BEEN TO AT LEAST SEVEN GAZILLION." "WHAT MAKES YOURS ANY DIFFERENT?" "OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH." "ALL RIGHT, IMAGINE YOU'RE AT YOUR DESK," "LET'S EVEN SAY AT WERTSHAFTER'S," "AND YOU'RE WORKING ON THE LITTLEMAN ACCOUNT." "OKAY, IT'S DUE AT 5:00, BUT YOU'RE ALREADY DONE" "AND I MEAN, LET'S BE HONEST," "YOU DON'T REALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT LITTLEMAN ANYWAY." "WHO'S LITTLEMAN?" "Ted:" "SO, YOU LOG ON FOR A LITTLE AFTERNOON DELIGHT." "BUT SUDDENLY MR. WERTSHAFTER BARGES IN," "DEMANDING TO KNOW "WHERE'S THAT LITTLEMAN FILE?"" "AH!" "VOILA." "BOSS SCREEN." "THAT'S PRETTY SLICK." "ULTIMATE SAFE SEX." "JERKATWORK.NET." "FOR GUYS WHO DON'T ONLY WORK AT WORK." "Emmett:" "I-I THINK YOU NEED..." "SOMETHING BIGGER." "Brian:" "LOOKS LIKE HE'S DOING ALL RIGHT TO ME." "Ted:" "BIGGER, HUH?" "OKAY." "ROBBIE," "TIME FOR YOUR BREAK." "[ ?" "]" "[ Panting ]" "HOLY CUM SHOT!" "YEAH!" "[ ?" "]" "ALL RIGHT, DON'T FORGET YOU'RE BACK IN TEN MINUTES." "Michael:" "HE CAN COME AGAIN IN TEN MINUTES?" "WITNESS THE JIZZBALL." "[ Chuckling ] LITTLE TRICK OF THE TRADE." "PROOF THAT THE HAND JOB IS QUICKER THAN THE EYE." "YEAH WELL, LEAVE IT TO YOU..." "TO FAKE..." "AN ORGASM." "[ ?" "]" ""THE SQUID"." "THE SQUID?" "UH, ISSUE AND YEAR?" "ISSUE 21, 19... '67." "UM, RIGHT WALL BIN, ROW 3." "YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY SHOULD BE FILED" "ACCORDING TO SUPER- HERO FASHION SENSE." "SUPERHEROES WITH TASTE, SUPERHEROES WHO CLASH." "LET'S HOPE THEY NEVER LET YOU NEAR THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS." "HOW DID BUZZY RUN THIS PLACE?" "NOTHING'S CATALOGUED," "INVENTORY'S NON-EXISTENT." "THERE'S NO END- CAPS, THERE'S NO WINDOW DISPLAYS." "THE PLACE IS A FUCKING MESS." "YEAH, AND IT WOULDN'T HAVE KILLED THE MAN" "TO USE A LITTLE PLEDGE NOW AND THEN, EITHER." "WHAT WAS I THINKING BUYING THIS PLACE?" "HELL IF I KNOW." "SHITTY LITTLE STORE WITH A BUNCH OF OLD MUSTY COMICS." "Michael:" "THANKS FOR THE PEP TALK, MA." "BUT IT'S YOUR DREAM, SWEETHEART," "AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS." "[ Jingling of door bells ]" "[ ?" "on radio ]" "?" "..." "STRIP-TEASE FOR ME, BABY ?" "?" "STRIP-TEASE FOR ME, BABY ?" "?" "AH... ?" "[ Banging of toes ] AH-HA!" "EM, WHERE WERE YOU LOOKING?" "AH, AT HIM." "?" "..." "I WANT YOU BAD, I WANT YOU BAD... ?" "MM, THOSE GLASSES." "I JUST LOVE THE BOOKISH TYPE." "THERE'S SO MUCH TO LEARN..." "BETWEEN THE COVERS." "Emmett:" "HM." "SO WHAT DO WE THINK?" "Vic:" "MICHAEL?" "HM?" "YAY OR NAY?" "Emmett:" "HM, BROWN LEATHER JACKET, DENIM SHIRT," "THOSE SHOES." "YEAH, CLASSIC BREEDER WEAR." "I SAY STRAIGHT." ""SANDMAN"," ""BATMAN", "SUPERMAN"." "IF HE PICKS UP AN "X-MEN" I SAY GAY." "Vic:" "I GO WITH MICHAEL." "COMIC SENSE OVER CLOTHES SENSE." "Man:" "EXCUSE ME, UH," "I'M LOOKING FOR, UH, "WONDERWOMAN"." "YOU FOUND HER." "[ Chuckling ]" "JUST KIDDING." "UH, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR MY SON, HE'S THE OWNER." "HM." "MICHAEL!" "Debbie:" "YOU GOT A CUSTOMER." "Vic:" "YOU'RE ON." "HI." "HEY." "CAN I HELP YOU?" "UH, YEAH, YEAH." "I HOPE SO." "UH, I'M LOOKING FOR SOME COMIC BOOKS." "WELL, GOOD THING YOU DIDN'T GO NEXT DOOR." "YOU'D GOTTEN LEBANESE TAKE-OUT." "[ Chuckling ]" "ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR?" "UH, YES, YES ACTUALLY." "I'M LOOKING FOR WORKS THAT, UH, BASED ON THEIR..." "UH, NARRATIVE," "THEIR GRAPHICS, CULTURAL REFERENCES," "SUBTEXTUAL POINTS OF VIEW," "ONE MIGHT REGARD AS, UM..." "GAY?" "[ Ringing of bell ]" "RIGHT." "RIGHT." "UM, WELL Y-YOU MADE SOME GOOD CHOICES HERE." "UM, CAN I MAKE SOME SUGGESTIONS?" "PLEASE." "UM, YOU MIGHT TRY "ALPHA FLIGHT" 106" "WHERE NORTHSTAR TAKES CARE OF A BOY WITH AIDS." "OR, UH, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND "X-FORCE" 56," "WHERE, UH, RICTOR AND SHATTERSTAR ARE DESCRIBED" "AS BEING MORE THAN FRIENDS." "UM, THERE'S ONE WITH DESTINY AND MYSTIQUE YOU SHOULD LOOK AT." "OH, GOOD." "YOU KNOW, IT'S AMAZING" "HOW MUCH MICHAEL KNOWS." "WHAT CAN I SAY?" "MY KID'S A GENIUS." "Michael:" "...GOOD CHOICES HERE." "Students:" "[ Mixed chatter ]" "THESE DRAWINGS ARE, UH..." "VERY DISTURBING." "THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE." "AND QUITE DIFFERENT THAN THE WORK YOU SUBMITTED" "WHEN WE ACCEPTED YOU." "WELL, I DON'T SEE THINGS THE SAME WAY." "PROFESSOR STANLEY TELLS ME YOU'RE USING A COMPUTER." "IT'S THE ONLY WAY THAT I CAN WORK." "WE EXPECT OUR STUDENTS TO MASTER THE TRADI- TIONAL DISCIPLINES." "SOMETIMES THE TRADI- TIONAL DISCIPLINES" "CAN BE A HANDICAP TOO." "I MEAN, AS MUCH AS NOT BEING ABLE TO USE YOUR HAND." "I THOUGHT THAT I COULD NEVER BE AN ARTIST AGAIN." "BUT INSTEAD THIS HAS TAUGHT ME..." "NEW WAYS TO BE AN ARTIST." "WAYS THAT I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF OTHERWISE." "SO WHAT'D HE SAY?" "OH, MY APPLICATION WAS APPROVED." "HE SAID I COULD STAY." "[ Cheers ]" "O-O-O-OH, SUNSHINE!" "OH, HONEY." "OH-HO!" "THANK YOU." "THAT'S WONDERFUL." "THANKS." "Melanie:" "WAY TO GO, BABY." "OH, THANK YOU." "MMM." "WHAT'S WITH ALL THE KISSING?" "ARE YOU TRYING TO TURN HIM STRAIGHT?" "OH, SHIT, THEY'RE GONNA DO IT RIGHT HERE." "I'LL GET MY CAMERA." "Melanie:" "BETTER YET, GET A ROOM." "Michael:" "SAVE IT FOR TED'S WEBSITE." "Ted:" "YEAH, IT MIGHT EARN YOU A FEW BUCKS." "Justin:" "IT'D HELP PAY FOR COLLEGE." "DON'T PUT ANY IDEAS IN HIS HEAD." "OR MINE." "MAYBE WE COULD DO IT." "HELP PAY FOR THE WEDDING." "WHAT DO YOU THINK, TEDDY?" "SURE THING, MEL." "JUST GROW YOURSELF A NINE-INCH COCK AND..." "All:" "[ Chuckling ]" "COULD WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE OTHER THAN SEX" "FOR JUST A FEW MINUTES, YOU KNOW?" "[ Clearing of throat ]" "[ Clearing of throat ]" "SO, I-IF THE TWINK JERKS OFF FOR MORE THAN EIGHT HOURS," "DOES HE GET OVERTIME?" "[ Subdued chuckles ]" "DON'T YOU BUS HERE, HONEY." "YOU'RE NOT IN THE DINER, SIT DOWN." "IT'S OKAY, I DON'T MIND." "BRIAN, WILL YOU GRAB THAT?" "THAT?" "AH, NOT THAT." "THE PLATTER, PLEASE." "[ In falsetto voice ] YES, DEAR." "HOLY CRAP, THEY'RE LIKE FUCKING NEWLYWEDS." "I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD LIVE TO SEE IT." "I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL." "YEAH." "10 BUCKS SAYS THEY DON'T LAST A MONTH." "Vic:" "I GIVE IT..." "THREE WEEKS." "CALL ME A ROMANTIC." "FIVE." "I'LL RAISE YOU TEN" "AND SAY TWO." "Melanie:" "AW, YOU'RE ALL PUSSIES." "72 HOURS." "[ Chuckling ]" "DEB?" "I DON'T PUT A PRICE ON PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS." "AND CONSIDERING ALL THEY'VE GONE THROUGH," "I'D THINK THEIR FRIENDS WOULD BET FOR THE HOUSE" "INSTEAD OF AGAINST IT." "THAT'S A GOOD POINT." "Melanie:" "HMM." "SO, LINZ, YOU IN OR OUT?" "Melanie:" "[ Chuckling ] WE HAVE TO GO." "Melanie:" "OH, BUT..." "WAIT A MINUTE." "WE HAVEN'T HAD DESSERT." "THE SITTER HAS TO BE HOME BY 9:00." "MEL?" "[ Whispering ] SORRY." "Debbie:" "I MADE PIE." "LINZ, YOU OKAY?" "I'M FINE." "[ Clearing of throat ]" "CRAMPS?" "NO!" "YOU'RE ACTING CRANKIER THAN GUS WHEN HE NEEDS A NAP." "I JUST NEEDED TO GET OUT OF THERE, THAT'S ALL." "[ Chuckling ] I KNOW, DEBBIE'S TCHOTCKES" "KIND OF DRIVE ME A LITTLE CRAZY TOO." "IT ISN'T THE TCHOTCKES." "IT'S LISTENING TO THAT CON- STANT STREAM" "OF SEXUAL INNUENDO ALL EVENING." "AND FRANKLY I DIDN'T FIND THAT REMARK ABOUT PERFORMING ON TED'S WEBSITE" "IN THE LEAST BIT AMUSING." "WAIT, I..." "I WASN'T SERIOUS!" "CHRIST." "WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH A PRUDE?" "I'M NOT A PRUDE." "[ Chuckling ] YEAH, WELL MAYBE I AM." "A LITTLE." "A LITTLE." "I DON'T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE SPREADING THEIR LEGS" "FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE." "I KNOW IT EXISTS, BUT..." "THE IDEA OF ANYONE I KNOW" "BEING PART OF IT REALLY BOTHERS ME." "[ Sighing ] COME ON." "BACK SO SOON." "DON'T TELL ME YOU WENT THROUGH" "ALL THOSE COMICS I GAVE YOU ALREADY." "YEAH, WELL I'M..." "I'M PRETTY FAST." "OH." "I MEAN, I READ QUICKLY." "[ Chuckling ]" "HUH." "UH, HATE WASTING TIME." "LIFE'S JUST TOO SHORT." "WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN TOMORROW" "OR EVEN FIVE MINUTES FROM NOW, RIGHT?" "ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH." "UM, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE" "I CAN HELP YOU WITH?" "UH, YEAH I HOPE SO." "UM, I SHOULD EXPLAIN." "MY NAME IS, UH, BEN." "BEN BRUCKNER." "MICHAEL." "NOVOTNY." "HEY, MICHAEL." "UH, I TEACH GAY STUDIES AT CARNEGIE MELLON." "I KNEW IT!" "YOU KNEW WHAT?" "WELL, WITH ALL THAT TALK ABOUT CULTURAL REFERENCES," "I KNEW YOU HAD TO BE..." "A PROFESSOR." "OH, OKAY." "WELL, ANYWAY." "WE'RE, UH, EXPLORING HOMOEROTICISM IN LITERATURE" "FROM GREEK AND..." "MMM." "OMAN MYTHOLOGY." "THANKS." "UP TO AND INCLUDING COMIC BOOK CULTURE." "MODERN COMIC BOOK CULTURE, SO," "I'M DOING A LITTLE RESEARCH." "RESEARCH." "RIGHT." "MM-HMM." "GOT IT." "UM, WELL LET ME SEE WHAT ELSE I CAN FIND FOR YOU." "UH, ACTUALLY, UH, I ALREADY FOUND WHAT I WANT." "YEAH?" "MM-HMM." "YOU." "ME?" "YEAH." "I'D LIKE YOU TO COME SPEAK TO MY CLASS." "[ Chuckling ]" "ABOUT WHAT?" "WELL, WHEN IT COMES TO COMICS," "YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY THE EXPERT." "SO..." "I WOULDN'T SAY THAT." "IT'S JUST SOME- THING I KNOW ABOUT SINCE I WAS A KID." "HM." "NO, NO-NO." "IT'S..." "IT'S DEF- INITELY MORE THAN..." "THAN KNOWING." "WHEN YOU..." "WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT THEM, YOU..." "YOU HAVE A PASSION." "SO, UH," "WHAT DO YOU SAY?" "WILL YOU COME?" "UM..." "I'D LOVE TO COME." "[ ?" "]" "CHECK IT OUT," "I GOT A SECOND BOX OF PENNE FREE" "WITH A COUPON." "YOU CLIP COUPONS?" "YEAH." "YOU CAN SAVE A LOT OF MONEY." "I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE SO TIGHT." "SURE YOU DID." "WHY DON'T YOU TAKE" "THE TWO BOXES OF PENNE BACK" "AND GET ONE BOX OF RIGATONI?" "FUCK THE 50 CENTS." "AND BUY SOME CRISCO, EVEN IF IT'S NOT ON SALE." "SEE THAT GUY?" "THAT'S BRIAN KINNEY." "USED TO BE THE HOTTEST STUD ON LIBERTY AVENUE." "NOW..." "HE'S IN A RELATIONSHIP." "Older man:" "TSK-TSK-TSK- TSK-TSK-TSK." "Robbie:" "DID YOU INCLUDE MY EXPENSES?" "Ted:" "WHAT EXPENSES?" "A BOTTLE OF KERI LOTION." "IT WAS $8.50." "YEAH?" "YOU HAVE A RECEIPT?" "UH, YEAH." "THAT'S OKAY." "I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT." "OKAY, UH, PERCENTAGE OF TOTAL SUBSCRIBERS..." "AND TIME ON-LINE ADDED TO YOUR BASE..." "[ Buzzing of calculator ]" "IT COMES TO A GRAND TOTAL OF... $18.72." "ARE YOU TELLING ME I SPENT EIGHT HOURS WHACKING OFF" "FOR $18.00?" "A LOT OF PEOPLE DO IT FOR FREE, YOU KNOW." "YEAH, YEAH." "BUT YOU SAID I WAS GOING TO MAKE, LIKE," "$500.00 A DAY." "THAT WAS BASED ON THIRD QUARTER PROJECTED EARNINGS." "OKAY." "WHAT ABOUT THIS QUARTER?" "WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU COMMIT" "TO A..." "A FLEDGLING ENTERPRISE," "IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT THE MONEY." "IT'S..." "IT'S ABOUT INVESTING IN THE FUTURE AND NURTURING GROWTH." "YOU KNOW, YOU CAN TELL THAT TO MY DICK, TED." "BECAUSE IT'S WORN TO A NUB." "WELL, I KNOW A GOOD PHYSICAL THERAPIST." "IS THAT COVERED BY THE COMPANY HEALTH PLAN?" "COMPANY HEALTH PLAN?" "HUH." "[ Sniffing ]" "WHAT ABOUT THE 401K YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO OFFER?" "OKAY." "WELL..." "W-WE NEED TO DISCUSS THAT." "YOU KNOW..." "[ Sniffing ]" "I KNOW WHEN SOMEONE IS JERKING ME AROUND." "I QUIT." "AH..." "YOU'RE WALKING OUT ON A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY HERE." "BEING IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF AN EXCITING NEW..." "CREATIVE ENDEAVOUR." "[ Tapping of pencil ]" "Daphne:" "MY ROOMMATES NEVER PICK UP THEIR CLOTHES" "OR MAKE THEIR BED, OR OOH!" "WASH A DISH." "WE HAVE A CLEANING LADY, COMES TWICE A WEEK." "YEAH, I HAVE TO WAIT A HALF HOUR" "TO GET INTO THE BATHROOM." "AND WHEN I GET IN THERE" "THERE'S NEVER ANY HOT WATER LEFT." "WE SHOWER TOGETHER." "TO CONSERVE WATER." "[ Choking/ chuckling ]" "THEY PLAY THEIR MUSIC SO LOUD," "I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MYSELF THINK." "THAT SOUNDS AWFUL." "NO, IT'S WONDERFUL." "[ Giggling ]" "I'M GLAD TO BE LIVING WITH BRIAN." "HM." "YEAH WELL, DON'T..." "DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE." "YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT'LL LAST." "HM." "MMM." "THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY SAYS, BUT HE'S CHANGED." "MM. LIKE TODAY..." "[ Clearing of throat ]" "THERE WAS THIS REALLY CUTE GUY WITH A GOATEE" "AND A LEATHER JACKET AT THE SHOP N' SAVE." "NORMALLY, HE WOULD'VE LEFT ME IN THE CHECK- OUT LINE." "THIS TIME, BARELY EVEN LOOKED." "YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE YOU WERE, THOUGH." "[ Giggling ]" "OH!" "HERE." "HEY, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?" "I'M AT MY SEXUAL PEAK." "FROM HERE ON IN, IT IS ALL DOWNHILL." "[ Coughing ]" "YOU WANT ANY MORE?" "NO." "NO." "[ Giggling ]" "Daphne  Justin:" "[ Laughter ]" "[ ?" "]" "[ Panting ]" "[ ?" "]" "I TOLD YOU SO." "I TRIED TO WARN YOU." "DIDN'T I TRY TO WARN HIM?" ""YOU NEED SOMETHING BIGGER," I SAID." "DIDN'T I SAY THAT?" "BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN." "IF I DON'T COME UP WITH SOMETHING QUICK" "I'M GOING TO LOSE MY CONDO, MY CAR..." "MY ASS." "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING NOW." "NO ONE EVER LISTENS." "I..." "MIGHT AS WELL BE THE INVISIBLE MAN." "OR WORSE, WORSE..." "A MIME." "MIME." "THEY SAY YOU SHOULD, UH," "START A SPEECH WITH A JOKE." "HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?" "UM..." "HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A SUPER- HERO IS GAY?" "HIS BOOTS MATCH HIS PURSE." "[ Chuckling ]" "THAT'S FUNNY." "NOT FUNNY." "IT STINKS." "OKAY, IS NO ONE GOING TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY PRESENCE?" "PASS THE JAM." "PASS THE CREAM." "[ Snorting ]" "HE NEVER LISTENS." "Debbie:" "OKAY, GET 'EM UP, BOYS." "YOUR COFFEE CUPS, THAT IS." "HMM." "HERE YOU GO, HONEY." "Ted:" "THANKS, DEB." "Debbie:" "YEAH." "HI, HONEY." "[ Growling ] Ted:" "HEY, DEB." "MORNING, DEB." "Brian:" "FLOP TWO, SINKER AND SOME SUDS." "FLOP." "SINKER." "MY LIFE'S A BREAKFAST COMBO." "TWO EGGS," "A DOUGHNUT AND COFFEE FOR MR. WONDERFUL." "SOMEBODY GOT LUCKY LAST NIGHT, HUH?" "MM-HMM." "Michael:" "HOMOEROTICISM IN COMIC BOOKS." "THE MALE FORM HAS BEEN WORSHIPPED IN..." "FROM MICHELANGELO TO CAPTAIN ASTRO." "WHAT'S HE DOING?" "WHAT AM I DOING?" "WHAT'S HE DOING?" "MICHAEL'S GIVING A LECTURE AT..." "AT CARNEGIE GODDAMN MELLON." "THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING!" "[ Loud kiss ]" "I'M IMPRESSED, MIKEY." "NEXT YOU'LL BE RECEIVING YOUR HONORARY DOCTORATE." "I DON'T THINK SO." "ESPECIALLY SINCE THE CLOSEST I'VE EVER COME TO HIGHER EDUCATION" "IS WHEN I FUCKED THAT, UH, TEXTBOOK SALES- MAN FROM CLEVELAND." "Ted:" "WELL, ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS," "I'VE GOT JUST ABOUT ENOUGH MONEY LEFT FOR MY FUNERAL." "WELL, DON'T ASK ME TO DELIVER THE EULOGY." "NO ONE WOULD LISTEN." "HMM?" "DEB?" "MY BREAKFAST?" "Debbie:" "WORKING ON IT." "MORNING, SUNSHINE." "[ Clearing of throat ]" "CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING ELSE?" "UH, YEAH." "COME TO THINK OF IT..." "MMM." "I'LL BE LATE FOR CLASS." "Patrons:" "[ Mixed chatter ]" "HEY!" "DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU" "TO CROSS ON THE GREEN?" "WHAT DID HE DO NOW?" "NOTHING." "CUT THE SHIT." "I KNOW THAT FACE." "THAT'S THE "BRIAN KINNEY JUST FUCKED ME" FACE." "YEAH, EXCEPT IT WASN'T ME HE WAS FUCKING." "IT WAS SOME OTHER GUY." "I COME HOME, HE'S ON THE FUCKING COUCH." "ANOTHER HURRICANE OFF THE COAST OF FLORIDA," "ANOTHER EARTHQUAKE IN PERU." "SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?" "WELL, I GUESS I JUST THOUGHT THAT NOW THAT WE'RE TOGETHER..." "THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT." "BRIAN IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE." "YOU KNOW THAT." "THEN WHY AM I THERE?" "WELL, MAY..." "MAYBE BECAUSE YOU GOT BASHED IN THE HEAD" "AND HE FEELS GUILTY." "NO, I'M SORRY." "I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT" "TO SOUND LIKE THAT." "I..." "SORRY." "[ ?" "]" "8,000 DOWN THE DRAIN." "9,000 DOWN THE DRAIN." "STOP FRETTING, TEDDY." "I HAVE A PLAN." "AT THIS POINT IN THE STORY, I'M SO DESPERATE," "I ACTUALLY STOP WHAT I'M DOING," "TURN TO YOU WITH A PLAINTIVE EXPRESSION" "AND ASK, "YOU DO?"" "OF COURSE." "AFTER YOU LOSE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE IN THE WORLD," "YOU MOVE IN WITH MICHAEL AND ME." "WE HAVE AN IN- FLATABLE MATTRESS AND A SPARE KEY." "10,000 DOWN THE DRAIN." "11,000 DOWN THE DRAIN..." "Emmett:" "OKAY..." "I HAVE ANOTHER IDEA." "DOES IT INVOLVE BEGGING AT AN OFF-RAMP" "OR SLEEPING IN A CARDBOARD BOX?" "NO." "NO." "ACTUALLY, IT INVOLVES..." "ZACK O'TOOL." "UH, REMEMBER HOW I TOLD YOU YOU NEEDED SOME- THING BIGGER?" "MAYBE NOW YOU'LL LISTEN." "EXCUSE ME, BOYS." "EXCUSE ME." "UM, ZACK." "SO, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN." "DID YOU REALLY EXPECT A PORN STAR OF HIS MAGNITUDE" "TO REMEMBER YOU?" "WELL, MAYBE HE'LL REMEMBER THIS." "[ Clearing of throat ]" "[ ?" "]" "OH, YEAH." "YOU'RE THE GUY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BLOW ME." "RIGHT." "YEAH, AND I'M THE GUY WHO PAID YOU TO DO IT." "YEAH." "Emmett:" "TO WHAT, UH..." "W-WHAT BRINGS YOU TO TOWN?" "WORKING ON MY NEW FILM." "IT'S A FOOTBALL EPIC." ""BACKSIDES IN MOTION"." "CHECK IT OUT." "OH, UH, I-I LOVE..." "ANYTHING WITH SHOULDER PADS." "[ Chuckling ]" "SO..." "I GOTTA GO." "[ ?" "]" "HAH, DIDN'T I TELL YOU" "IT'S EVEN BIGGER IN PERSON?" "IT'S HUGE!" "IT'S GARGANTUAN." "IT'S JUST WHAT YOU NEED." "WHAT I NEED." "HUH!" "WHAT EVERYBODY NEEDS." "COME ON." "Emmett:" "[ Clearing of throat ]" "UH, SAY, ZACK..." "HEY, ZACK." "NOW WHAT?" "WELL, MY, UM..." "M-MY FRIEND HAS THIS LIVE," "UH, WEBSITE..." "Zack:" "NOT INTERESTED." "UH, WELL, S-SINCE YOU HAVE, UH," "YOU KNOW, A LEGION OF, UH," "OF FANS..." "NOT INTERESTED." "WHAT BETTER WAY TO PLUG YOUR NEW PICTURE?" "HUH..." "WHACKING OFF ON THE WEB IS FOR AMATEURS, BOYS." "WE'LL GIVE YOU 1,000 BUCKS, UH," "A LIMOUSINE, UH, CHAMPAGNE, AND, UM..." "YOUR OWN PERSONAL FLUFFER." "[ Whispering ] WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?" "THAT'LL COST ME A FORTUNE!" "WOULD YOU RATHER LOSE ONE?" "SO, ZACK," "HOW ABOUT SHARING YOUR MEMBER..." "WITH OUR MEMBERS?" "Michael:" "SEXY, PERFECT BODY." "ALOOF, DESIRABLE," "YET UNATTAINABLE." "OKAY," "OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH ABOUT ME." "I WAS REFERRING TO THE "SILVER SURFER"." "THIS SPEECH IS FOR SHIT." "WELL, WHY'D YOU AGREE?" "THE PROFESSOR'S REALLY CUTE." "REALLY?" "OH," "YOU CAN PUT THAT IDEA RIGHT OUT OF YOUR MIND, MISTER." "I SAW HIM FIRST." "BESIDES, YOU'RE LIVING WITH SOMEONE." "HE'S LIVING WITH ME." "WHATEVER." "EITHER WAY, YOU'RE ALL COMFY AND COZY." "EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE FUCKING OTHER GUYS." "WHO I FUCK IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS." "OR HIS." "NOW GET OUT." "WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?" "THIS IS IT." "OH." "[ Sighing ]" "THIS IS A REALLY DUMB IDEA." "COME ON, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE." "DON'T BE PATHETIC." "YOU MADE A COMMITMENT" "NOW YOU'RE GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH IT." "YEAH," "A LOT YOU KNOW ABOUT MAKING COMMITMENTS." "WHICH IS WHY I NEVER DO." "[ Sighing ]" "WHAT IF I MAKE A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF?" "WHO GIVES A SHIT?" "IT'S FUCKING COLLEGE." "NOW, GO SHOW THE FRAT BOYS" "WHAT THE REAL MEN ARE MADE OF" "AND GET ME SOME PHONE NUMBERS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT." "BYE!" "[ ?" "]" "?" "ALL THE THINGS THAT I'VE REGRETTED ?" "?" "ALL THE PLACES... ?" "Woman: [ Reading ] "HOMOEROTIC THEMES AND IMAGERY" "AS DEPICTED IN THE GRAPHIC NOVEL."" "Man:" "[ Chuckling ] YOU MEAN COMIC BOOK." "[ Chuckling ] I CAN JUST SEE" "THE BIG ESSAY QUESTION ON THE FINAL." ""COMPARE AND CONTRAST MICHEL FOUCAULT" "WITH BATMAN AND ROBIN."" "Man  woman:" "[ Chuckling ]" "HOW CAN YOU COMPARE HOMOEROTIC THEMES" "AND IMAGERY IN COMIC BOOKS WITH..." "GIDE AND GENET?" "Man 2:" "PROUST OR WILDE." "Woman:" "BALDWIN OR WILLIAMS." "SO WHO'S GIVING THIS LECTURE ANYWAY?" "SPIDERMAN?" "UH, IT SAYS SOME GUY WHO RUNS A COMIC BOOK STORE." "Woman:" "HAH, HE SHOULD BE A REAL BRAIN TRUST." "[ Laughing ]" "Woman:" "YEAH." "[ Closing of door ]" "[ Opening of door ]" "[ Jingling of keys ]" "Melanie:" "[ Sighing ]" "HEY!" "MMM." "MMM." "SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?" "SEXY." "TIMELESS." "EASY TO WRIGGLE OUT OF" "ONCE THE GUESTS ARE GONE." "DO YOU WANT US TO WEAR WEDDING DRESSES?" "WELL, WHAT ELSE?" "WELL, WE COULD WEAR STRAP-ONS." "GET MARRIED ON TED'S WEBSITE." "I DON'T THINK THAT'S FUNNY." "[ Chuckling ]" "HOW COULD A NICE AND INTELLIGENT PERSON DO SOME- THING LIKE THAT?" "COME ON, LET'S GO THROUGH SOME MAGAZINES TOGETHER." "ALL RIGHT." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "AFTER I CAME OUT," "BACK WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE," "MY DAD CUT ME OFF." "SO..." "HE TOLD ME HE NEVER WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN." "WELL, I FIGURED I HAD TO FIND A WAY TO SUPPORT MYSELF." "AND, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW JEWISH PARENTS ARE." ""NEVER" TURNED OUT TO BE THREE AND A HALF WEEKS." "[ Sighing ]" "BY THEN I'D MADE ENOUGH" "TO PAY FOR THAT YEAR'S TUITION" "AND THE NEXT." "IT'S NOT EXACTLY "MODERN BRIDE"." "[ Small groan ]" "OH, MY GOD!" "OH, MY GOD!" "OH, MY GOD, MEL." "[ Sighing ] 503 PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY LOGGED ON TO SEE ZACK O'TOOL." "IS THAT GOOD?" "UH?" "DO THE MATH." "$29.95 TIMES 500 IS $15,000." "JA, DAS IST VERY, VERY GOOD." "[ Chuckling ]" "AND ALL JUST TO SEE ZACK WHACK." "WOW." "WHEN'S HE GETTING HERE?" "ANY MINUTE NOW." "YOU KNOW, TEDDY, I'M, UH," "I'M SO PROUD OF YOU." "YOU TOOK YOUR DREAM, GRABBED IT BY THE BALLS" "SHAVED 'EM AND, UH..." "AND MADE IT COME TRUE." "[ Ringing of phone ]" "OH!" "I'LL GET IT." "JERKATWORK.NET. SEE ZACK O'TOOL" "Ted: [ On Phone ] live." "Hello?" "HELLO." "HELLO?" "TAD?" "NO, THIS ISTED." "Ted:" "Zack?" "YEAH." "YEAH." "UH, I'M HERE ON SET." "WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE..." "BEHIND." "W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN "A LITTLE BEHIND"?" "I'M ABOUT TO DO MY BIG SCENE WHERE I REAM THE TEAM" "FOR FUMBLING THEIR BALLS." "WELL..." "[ Buzzing of toy ]" "I MEAN, W-WE CAN START A LITTLE LATER." "BUT..." "ZACK, WE'RE READY." "UH, THE DIRECTOR'S CALLING." "UH, WE GOT A BIG WIDE SHOT..." "ZACK!" "CAN YOU LET TAD KNOW" "I CAN'T MAKE IT?" "THANKS." "Zack, no." "Wait, wait, wait." "Don't hang up..." "MY BOYS." "HE'S GOTTA BE ABLE TO TAKE IT OFF..." "[ Hanging up of phone ]" "TEDDY, WHAT IS IT?" "I'VE GOT 503 HORNY CYBER-GEEKS" "WAITING TO SEE ZACK O'TOOL JACKING THE BEANSTALK." "ONLY HE'S NOT COMING." "AT LEAST NOT HERE." "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?" "WELL, M-MY OFFER STILL STANDS." "THE INFLATO-BED" "AND THE SPARE KEY ARE YOURS." "GET ON THE BED." "EXCUSE ME?" "I SAID, "GET ON THE BED"." "WHAT FOR?" "WHAT DO YOU THINK?" "THE SHOW MUST GO ON." "TED, ARE YOU CRAZY?" "WELL..." "YOU LIKE JERKING OFF, DON'T YOU?" "I MEAN, YOU'D DO IT ANYWAY." "YES, BUT NOT IN FRONT OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE." "BESIDES, THEY'RE SIGNING ON TO SEE ZACK O'TOOL." "NOT ME." "OKAY?" "DOESN'T MATTER." "AT THIS POINT A DICK'S A DICK." "AND YOU'RE THE ONLY DICK I'VE GOT." "NOW HERE." "Y-YOU KNOW, I-I'M SORRY, TEDDY." "EVERY FRIENDSHIP," "EVEN ONE AS DEEP AND AS CLOSE AS OURS" "HAS ITS LIMITATIONS." "I'LL PAY YOU WHAT I'M PAYING O'TOOL." "THEN AGAIN, IF YOU CAN'T DO A FRIEND A FAVOUR... [ ?" "]" "Justin:" "STOP." "WHY?" "YOU GOT SOMETHING BETTER TO DO?" "HOMEWORK." "HUH!" "WE'RE IN DEEP- SHIT TROUBLE." "[ ?" "]" "YOU'RE NOT STILL UPSET ABOUT THE ZUCCHINI MAN, ARE YOU?" "I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT OR HIM." "IT..." "IT WAS NOTHING." "I KNOW." "YOU'RE JUST YOU BEING YOU." "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE." "I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO CHANGE." "IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN WANT YOU TO." "THEN WHAT?" "WHY AM I HERE?" "ONE NIGHT YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY WANTED TO MAKE A BABY..." "BRIAN." "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN." "IS IT JUST 'CAUSE YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED?" "ANSWER ME." "ANSWER ME." "IF I HADN'T GOTTEN BASHED IN THE HEAD, WOULD I EVEN BE HERE?" "[ ?" "]" "Ben:" "HEY, MICHAEL!" "MICHAEL." "HEY." "HEY." "I WAS, UH..." "I WAS TRYING TO CATCH YOU." "WELL, YOU CAUGHT ME." "YEAH." "YEAH, THE CLASS WAITED FOR YOU." "YOU NEVER SHOWED." "YEAH." "THINGS GOT REALLY BUSY." "I-I SHOULD'VE CALLED." "I'M SORRY." "WELL, I'D LIKE TO RESCHEDULE." "AND, UH, HOW'S THURSDAY?" "WELL, WITH STARTING A NEW BUSINESS AND ALL, UM," "I-I DON'T THINK I'LL HAVE THE TIME." "YEAH, UM..." "YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND." "IT WAS AN IMPOSITION IN THE FIRST PLACE." "W-WAIT." "WAIT." "LOOK." "LOOK, THE TRUTH IS," "I'M NO BRAINIAC." "WELL, WAIT, UM..." "ONE OF SUPERMAN'S ARCH-VILLAINS." "AM I RIGHT?" "SEE?" "I-I'M LEARNING." "YEAH?" "I'M IMPRESSED." "OKAY." "BUT, ME TALKING TO A BUNCH OF COLLEGE STUDENTS" "PRETENDING THAT I KNOW SOMETHING IS BULLSHIT." "WHY IS THAT BULLSHIT, MICHAEL?" "BECAUSE "THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA"" "ISN'T EXACTLY PROUST OR FOUCAULT" "OR..." "WHOEVER THE FUCK THEY ARE." "C-CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?" "WHAT YOU KNOW IS JUST AS VALUABLE." "YOU HAVE THIS..." "YOU HAVE THIS INCREDIBLE KNOWLEDGE" "OF GAY SEMIOTICS YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE." "GAY WHAT?" "NEVER MIND, IT DOES NOT MATTER." "THE POINT IS, YOU HAVE THIS..." "PASSION?" "YOU RADIATE IT." "IT'S..." "IT'S LIKE "THE FLAME"." "[ Chuckling ]" "WOW." "WELL, THAT..." "MUST BE WHY I'M..." "FEELING A LITTLE HOT." "NO-NO-NO." "THEY'RE BAILING FAST." "Emmett:" "WELL, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?" "THEY SIGNED UP TO SEE ZACK O'TOOL" "AND INSTEAD THEY GET ME." "I MEAN, I-I'LL BE..." "I'LL BE SCREAMING IN ECSTASY," "THEY'LL BE SCREAMING FOR THEIR MONEY BACK." "AND I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE IT TO THEM" "UNLESS YOU START DOING SOMETHING." "TAKE SOMETHING OFF!" "BETTER." "TAKE OFF YOUR GODDAMN PANTS!" "ALL RIGHT." "CAREFUL." "[ Nervous panting ]" "NOW YOUR UNDIES!" "GOOD." "RIGHT." "180 AND HOLDING." "ALL RIGHT, I THINK WE'VE STOPPED THE BLEEDING." "W-WHAT DO I DO NOW?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT DO YOU DO?" "YOU GRAB YOUR PUD AND YOU PULL!" "RIGHT." "[ ?" "]" "IT'S STARTING TO GO UP." "SO AM I." "HOLY SHIT!" "WHAT?" "WHAT?" "YOU'RE BIGGER THAN O'TOOL." "AHH." "OUR SUBSCRIBERS THINK SO, TOO." "OKAY, K-KEEP..." "KEEP STROKING." "[ Panting ]" "I-I ALWAYS TOLD YOU I WAS A..." "GROWER, NOT A SH..." "SHOWER." "[ Chuckling ]" "UM..." "W-WHEN DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOOT?" "NOT YET." "Emmett:" "OKAY." "Emmett:" "[ Moaning/ panting]" "H-HOW MUCH LONGER?" "NOW!" "NOW-NOW-NOW-NOW!" "GO-GO-GO-GO!" "SHOOT!" "SHOOT!" "[ Gasping ]" "[ Shout of ecstasy ]" "[ ?" "]" "[ Panting ]" "EMMETT, THAT'S AMAZING!" "THAT IS AMAZING!" "EMMETT, OH MY GOD." "[ Chuckling ]" "NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO KNOW THAT YOU USED THE JIZZBALL." "WHAT JIZZBALL?" "THE MALE FIGURE HAS BEEN WORSHIPPED FROM MICHELANGELO'S "DAVID"" "ALL THE WAY TO "CAPTAIN ASTRO"." "UM, THE STRENGTH AND MUSCULATURE..." "[ Yawn ]" "OF THE..." "OF THE, UH..." "UM..." "[ Mouthing silently ]" "I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW WHAT, UM..." "I HAVEN'T A CLUE WHAT "HOMOEROTICISM IN LITERATURE" MEANS." "I JUST KNOW THAT "THE FLASH" LOOKS GOOD IN TIGHTS." "Students:" "[ Chuckling ]" "Michael:" "UM..." "YOU SEE, I-I STARTED READING "THE FLASH"" "AND "SUPERMAN" AND "CAPTAIN AMERICA"" "WHEN I WAS JUST A KID." "UM, AT FIRST BECAUSE IT WAS FUN, YOU KNOW," "I LIKED THE STORIES AND I LIKED THE PICTURES" "AND IT WAS A GREAT ESCAPE FROM ALL THE SHIT THAT..." "UM, SORRY;" "THE STUFF THAT WAS BUGGING ME." "AND, UH, MY MOM DIDN'T WANT ME TO READ THEM." "BUT, LATER ON WHEN I REALIZED THAT..." "LATER ON WHEN I REALIZED THAT I WAS GAY," "UM, I READ THEM FOR A DIFFERENT REASON." "BECAUSE IN WAYS THAT MAYBE NOBODY INTENDED," "THESE SUPERHEROES WERE A LOT LIKE ME." "YOU KNOW, AT WORK THEY'RE MEEK AND..." "THEY'RE UN- APPRECIATED, AND..." "THEY'RE THE GUYS, UH, THAT NEVER GET LAID." "AND, UH, UM..." "WHEN THEY'RE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE, THEY..." "THEY CAN'T LET ANYONE GET TOO CLOSE" "FOR FEAR THAT THEIR TRUE IDENTITIES WOULD BE DISCOVERED." "YET WITH ALL THE..." "THE VILLAINS AND THE MONSTERS" "AND THE EVIL FORCES THAT ARE TRYING TO DESTROY THEM," "SOMEHOW THEY SURVIVE." "UM, EVEN THE ONE THING THAT CAN KILL SUPERMAN," "THE ONE THING TO WHICH HE HAS NO IMMUNITY," "KRYPTONITE, ULTI- MATELY YOU KNOW THAT HE'LL SURVIVE THAT" "AND HE'LL GO ON TO SAVE THE WORLD." "I BELIEVE THE SAME ABOUT US." "THAT'S WHAT THE COMICS HAVE SHOWN ME." "THAT DESPITE EVERYTHING..." "WE'LL SURVIVE." "AND WE'LL WIN." "UM, BUT, UH..." "BACK TO THE GUYS IN THE TIGHTS." "Students:" "[ Chuckling ]" "[ Ringing of doorbell ]" "[ Knocking on door ]" "SUNSHINE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "YOU HAVEN'T RENTED OUT MY OLD ROOM YET, HAVE YOU?" "NO." "COME ON IN." "Debbie:" "HASN'T THE KID BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH" "WITHOUT YOU CAUSING HIM MORE PAIN?" "STAY OUT OF IT." "THE FUCK I WILL!" "I CARE ABOUT HIM." "ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS..." "GETTING MY DICK SUCKED." "I THINK THAT'S BEEN FIRMLY ESTABLISHED." "NOW, CAN WE MOVE ON FROM THERE?" "LOOK, ALL I WANT IS TO..." "INTERFERE?" "YOU CAN CALL IT WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT." "I DON'T WANT JUSTIN HURT." "WELL, THAT'S LIFE, ISN'T IT?" "SURPRISE!" "[ Sighing ]" "YOU THINK YOU GOT EVERYBODY FOOLED, DON'T YOU?" "WELL NOT ME, HONEY." "I'VE KNOWN YOU TOO LONG" "AND REGRETTABLY, TOO WELL." "AND NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO DENY IT," "I CAN TELL YOU CARE AS MUCH ABOUT HIM AS HE CARES ABOUT YOU." "ONLY YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE BIG, HAIRY COJONESTO SAY IT." "OH, WELL, MAYBE I COULD BORROW YOURS." "[ Chuckling ]" "WELL, HEY." "WHATEVER IT TAKES." "TO ADMIT THAT YOU LOVE HIM." "AND I KNOW THAT YOU DO." "DESPITE ALL YOUR EFFORTS" "TO NEVER LET ANOTHER HEART TOUCH YOURS." "AND THAT'S ASSUMING, OF COURSE, YOU HAVE ONE." "THAT LITTLE," "PERSISTENT KID" "HAS SOMEHOW GOTTEN IN UNDER THE WIRE." "AND THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENED, HUH?" "ADMIT THE TRUTH." "[ Whispering ] YOU LOVE HIM, DON'T YOU?" "[ Sighing/blowing ]" "I THOUGHT SO." "THEN TELL HIM." "TELL HIM WHAT YOU COULD NEVER SAY TO MICHAEL." "[ ?" "]" "HEY, ENOUGH BROWSING." "LET ME GET YOU A DRINK." "YOU'VE HAD A HARD DAY'S WORK." "[ Chuckling ]" "HEY, COME BY, CHECK US OUT." "JERKATWORK.NET. HI." "JERKATWORK.NET. COME BY, CHECK US OUT." "COME BY." "WAS, UM..." "WAS THAT INCREDIBLY CUTE GUY CRUISING ME?" "NOT JUST CRUISING," "HE'S IN MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE." "EXCUSE ME, BUT WAS THAT YOU TODAY ON THE WEBSITE?" "Ted:" "UH, WHY YES, IT WAS." "AND COME BACK AND SEE US AT JERKATWORK.NET AGAIN REAL SOON." "YOUR PERFORMANCE WAS REALLY INSPIRING." "DO YOU MIND SIGNING THIS FOR ME?" "[ ?" "]" "OH..." "[ Chuckle ]" "'KAY." "[ ?" "]" "Man:" ""TO CHRISTOPHER."" ""TO..." "CHRISTOPHER." "THANKS FOR BEING..." "SUCH..." "A BIG FAN." "I HOPE..." "I CAN..." "LIVE UP..." "TO..." "IT." "ALL MY BEST..." "LOVE..." "AND LUCK," "EMMETT..." "HONEYCUTT."" "WOW, THANKS." "[ ?" "]" "MY LITTLE STAR!" "[ Chuckling ]" "YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET YOU A PORN NAME." "WHAT'S WRONG WITH EMMETT HONEYCUTT?" "NO-NO-NO-NO." "NO." "PORN LORE HAS IT," "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THE NAME OF YOUR CHILDHOOD PET" "AND ADD THE NAME OF THE STREET YOU GREW UP ON." "WELL, BACK IN HAZELHURST, WE HAD A LOT OF PETS." "OH, BUT, UM, MY FAVOURITE WAS THIS LITTLE MUTT" "NAMED FETCH." "Ted:" "[ Chuckling ] AND THE STREET?" "WE LIVED AT THE CORNER OF MASON AND DIXON." "FETCH DIXON." "A STAR IS..." "PORN." "[ Chuckling ]" "FETCH DIXON." "[ ?" "]" "[ Sigh of boredom ]" "HMMM." "[ Clearing of throat ]" "[ Panting ]" "[ Deep sigh ]" "I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE PORN." "OH." "LOOK..." "I DON'T." "AND I LIKE EVEN LESS THINKING ABOUT ALL THOSE STRANGE MEN" "AND PROBABLY EVEN A FEW WOMEN LOOKING AT YOU." "IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO BEFORE I KNEW YOU." "WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME?" "IT'S NOT SOMETHING I REALLY WANTED TO BOAST ABOUT." "I-I PRACTICALLY FORGOT ABOUT IT UNTIL NOW." "I DON'T LIKE US HAVING ANY SECRETS." "THERE AREN'T ANY MORE, ARE THERE?" "I SWEAR." "WHAT ABOUT YOU?" "WELL, THERE WAS THAT TIME..." "THAT I WAS A HOOKER IN ALASKA." "[ Giggling ]" "BUT THAT WAS ONLY A SUMMER JOB." "[ Snort/ giggle ]" "AHH!" "[ Moaning ]" "[ Giggling ]" "I USED TO HAVE A PRETTY HOT BOD." "YOU STILL DO." "[ Slapping of flesh ]" "[ Gasp ]" "WHY SETTLE FOR A MAGAZINE WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THE REAL THING?" "[ Moaning ]" "[ ?" "]" "Brian:" "HEY." "HEY." "HEY, FUCK OFF." "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "YOU WERE RIGHT." "THE REASON I TOOK YOU IN" "WAS BECAUSE YOU TOOK A BAT TO THE HEAD." "BUT IT'S NOT THE REASON I WANT YOU TO STAY." "BUT..." "DON'T GET THE IDEA THAT WE'RE SOME MARRIED COUPLE," "BECAUSE WE'RE NOT." "WE'RE NOT LIKE FUCKING STRAIGHT PEOPLE." "WE'RE NOT LIKE YOUR PARENTS," "AND WE'RE NOT A PAIR OF DYKES" "MARCHING DOWN THE AISLE IN MATCHING VERA WANGS." "WE'RE QUEERS." "AND IF WE'RE TOGETHER" "IT'S BECAUSE WE WANT TO BE," "NOT BECAUSE THERE'S LOCKS ON OUR DOORS." "SO, IF I'M OUT LATE, JUST ASSUME I'M DOING" "EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO BE DOING:" "I'M FUCKING." "AND..." "WHEN I COME HOME," "I'LL ALSO BE DOING..." "EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO:" "COMING HOME TO YOU." "OKAY." "I WANT SOME THINGS TOO." "YOU CAN FUCK WHOEVER YOU WANT," "AS LONG AS IT'S NOT TWICE." "SAME FOR ME." "AND NO NAMES OR NUMBERS EXCHANGED." "AND NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE," "NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE DOING," "YOU ALWAYS COME HOME." "BY 2:00." "4:00." "3:00." "ONE MORE THING." "YOU DON'T KISS ANYONE ELSE ON THE MOUTH" "BUT ME." "[ ?" "]" "HERE YOU GO." "THANKS." "OH, GOT SOMETHING ELSE FOR YOU HERE." ""R-U-1-2"." "R-U-1-2?" "OH, I GET IT." "Y-YOU WROTE THIS?" "YOU WROTE A BOOK?" "YES, YES." "IT'S MY FIRST AND, UH," "SO FAR, ONLY NOVEL." "THE "CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER" CALLED IT" ""A NOBLE EFFORT FROM A FRESH NEW VOICE"." "IT WAS ON THE REMAINDERS TABLE A WEEK LATER." "[ Chuckling ]" "I'VE NEVER MET ANY- BODY WHO'S WRITTEN A BOOK BEFORE." "OPEN IT." "[ Reading ] "TO MICHAEL." "BENEATH WHOSE MILD- MANNERED APPEARANCE" "BEATS THE HEART OF A SUPERHERO."" "BEN..." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY." "NO WORDS REQUIRED." "HOW ABOUT THIS?" "WAIT." "WAIT, HEY, HEY." "I SAID WAIT." "I SAID WAIT." "MICHAEL..." "WHAT FOR?" "I-I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT, UH..." "I'M HIV POSITIVE." "[ ?" "]" "CLOSED CAPTIONED BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS"