"Hey, Yvonne, baby." "I know I haven't called you in a while, yeah." "Aww, I missed you, too." "But you know how crazy things get when you're at work." "Yeah." "(CHUCKLES)" "Sure, yeah, uh, it's Visa, 4-1-0-1..." "Hey, Dennis." "Call you back." "Hey, what are you doing?" "You know that "Executive of the Year" banquet I went to last night?" "Yeah." "Well, the guy they were honoring said the secret to his success was not having his own private office." "That's what shot me to the top." "I'm serious." "This guy increased productivity simply by moving his desk out with all the other workers." "Plus, this way I can catch the pervert who's been making sex calls on our company credit card." "Between you and me, I'd keep my eye on the big gal in shipping." "Dad, I need to speak to you about the Matt Bentley interview." "Oh, sure, step into my office." "Okay, I'm gonna need about two extra pages." "Oh, yeah." "Why is that?" "Oh, there's so much to cover." "Former basketball player turned senator." "Congressional Medal of Honor." "Plus, they say he might be running for President." "President, huh?" "I can see that." "Bentley's sharp, lots of integrity." "Of course, he played for the Celtics, so I wish him dead." "Oh, Dad, don't say that." "He's so compassionate and tall." "Maya, you don't have a crush on this guy, Bentley, do you?" "No, I just think it would be great to work for someone who's smart and has good ideas, you know what I mean?" "I'm afraid I do." "Good news, everyone." "I just got off the phone with my old TV agent." "Let me guess." "He wants to book you on When Plastic Surgeons Attack." "Hello, Finch." "Don't get up." "He wants me to audition for a commercial." "Oh, that's terrific." "Oh, that's great." "What's it for?" "Simple Time Stuffing." "The character is a homemaker." "Oh, that's too bad." "I'm sorry." "There'll be other ones." "Come on, have a little faith in the girl." "Nina can play that part." "Well, thank you, Jack." "I totally buy you as a home wrecker." "Homemaker." "Oh, you're no good for that." "Hey, don't sound so surprised." "Of course profits are up." "After all, we've got the best damn staff on the planet!" "Every once in a while you gotta tell them things like that." "They're like children." "Talk to you later." "Hey, Jack, Allie called." "That thing at the grocery store is all taken care of." "Oh, good." "What happened?" "Yesterday, Hannah stole a candy bar from a grocery store, so Allie took her back to return it and apologize." "You know what?" "It's just a phase." "When I was 12, my dad caught me stealing, grounded me for the whole summer." "What'd you steal?" "$18,000 in deutsche marks." "Hacked into Munich First National, moved some funds around." "You know, kid stuff." "When I was a kid, I stole a doll." "(CHUCKLES) I knew you played with dolls." "What was it?" "Barbie doll?" "It was a Six Million Dollar Man." "Ooh, with the bionic grip?" "I crammed it in my trumpet case." "But when I got home, I felt so guilty" "I hid it in my basement." "I could never watch the show after that." "I stopped watching when they gave bionics to the dog." "You spend six million bucks on an animal, it should talk." "So, was it seriously the regular Steve Austin or the one with bionic grip?" "The grip one, I guess." "I'm not sure." "I was so ashamed," "I didn't even take it out of the box." "(GASPS)" "You still have it?" "Unopened in the original box?" "Yeah, I suppose so." "It's a mint condition, vintage action figure." "Do you ever stop to think what a collector's item that is?" "No, actually, I was too busy dating women." "Hello, boys." "Who's hungry for a big bowl of stuffing'?" "Nina, there's nothing in that bowl." "And by bowl, he means head." "I have my audition in an hour and I thought I should just stay in character." "Listen." ""Simple Times Stuffin'." ""The easy way to spice up your next lynching'."" "The word is "luncheon."" "Oh!" "Oh, good." "That makes my character a lot more likeable." "Well, and if I ever do run for President," "I would want to give tax credits to those single mothers, so that they could get off of welfare and out into the work force." "Don't you think?" "Are you seeing someone?" "What?" "Uh, they just make me ask these silly things." "(STAMMERING) Well, no." "Actually, I'm not." "Glad we got that out of the way." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Maya Bentley." "Uh, Gallo." "I mean, I'm with Senator Bentley and I'll call you back." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "Anyway, um..." "Yes." "The polls show that much of your appeal is in the way you come off as an actual person and not a politician." "Well, I'm glad." "People are so turned off by politicians." "I think all the bickering between the parties, the personal attacks..." "Yeah, I mean, who cares if someone smoked a joint in college?" "Well, actually, I don't think that drug use is anything to make light of." "Oh, of course not." "But there's a big difference between hardcore drug use and experimentation." "I mean, in college even I once..." "Maya, your future is nothing to "experiment" with." "Well, I'm not sure I even felt anything." "I mean, I didn't even want to." "My stupid roommate... (KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Come in, please." "Maya, honey, be a rosebush and whip up some copy for..." "Oh, excuse me." "You have a gentleman caller." "Matt Bentley." "Oh, charmed." "Nina Van Horn." "Of the Oaksville Van Horns." "So, what are we talking about?" "The danger of marijuana." "Oh, well, I may come from simple times, but I believe the only thing you should smoke is a turkey, preferably served with a side dish of moist, fluffy stuffing." "Nina, now is not the time." "You know, Maya, you could learn something from her." "This is a woman who gets high off a drug called America." "Well, I do like my reds, whites and blues." "Watch your head." "What'd you say?" "Never mind." "Man, I can't thank you enough." "(GASPS)" "Look, look, it's my old sled." "I broke my leg on this thing." "(GASPS)" "Oh, and my ant farm." "Oh, look!" "My first-grade class picture." "Guess which one was me." "God, didn't you ever have hair?" "Come on." "We've got to find this thing." "I got an hour, max, before Jack kicks the boots in the bathroom stall and realizes I ain't in them." "Jackpot!" "Colonel Steve Austin!" "No, my old Playboys." "Dude, how many times I gotta tell you?" "We got to keep fo..." "Well, well." "Mrs. Jimmy Connors, we meet again." "No!" "Let's keep going." "Where is it?" "Don't worry." "I know where it is." "I hid it behind this cinder block." "It's stuck." "We need a crowbar or something." "No time!" "Yes!" "Oh." "It's beautiful." "Telephoto eye, flawless stitching on the jogging suit." "Have you ever seen anything so magnificent?" "Yeah, I guess." "I haven't seen a specimen this perfect since Sci-Fi Expo '87." "It's weird." "I feel kind of guilty." "Yeah, walk it off." "It's just that my mother always said, "Bad things happen to people who steal."" "Yeah, well, my mom always said," ""Finish college or you'll wind up with a dead-end job."" "(CHUCKLING) "Dead-end job."" "Jack said I can be his assistant forever!" "Yeah, it was a long time ago." "I'm sure everything will be all right." "Ow!" "Oh, my God, this is whiskey!" "Oh, my God, this is coffee!" "I gather your audition didn't go too well." "To say the least." "The director said the kiss I gave my 18-year-old son wasn't motherly enough." "And, by the way, if you don't have any plans tonight, I'm going to a kegger." "Maya." "Hi, what are you doing here?" "Did I leave my umbrella in your office?" "Oh, yeah." "I left it with the receptionist." "Hi, Jack Gallo." "I'm a big fan." "Oh." "Well, thank you." "Hey, could you pass me the napkin?" "Oh, that's right, you don't pass." "You know, actually, I led the league in assists for six seasons." "Oh." "Hey, could you shoot me some butter?" "Oh, that's right..." "Dad." "Sorry about that." "That's all right." "I get that from Knicks' fans all the time." "Although, it's usually a little more clever." "Listen, I didn't come here just to pick up my umbrella." "You didn't?" "Then why did you come up here?" "Oh, what the fudge." "Ms. Van Horn, would you allow me the privilege of taking you to dinner?" "Really?" "Yeah, I just felt that we were on the same wavelength and, well, heck, I've always been a sucker for a Southern belle." "Well, fluff me with a fork and season me to taste." "Yes." "But..." "Maya, now, isn't it a little early to be drinking?" "I pray for her every day." "Yeah, I took the morning off and played 18 holes." "Sometimes you just have to treat yourself." "Hey, Spancer, that's your eighth soda." "I'm not paying you to pee!" "Thank you, Matthew, for a most enjoyable lunch." "Oh, well, thank you for a wonderful week." "So, I'll see you tonight?" "Well, I must admit that I'm a little nervous about meeting your political supporters." "I just hope that none of them are those wild businessmen who come to New York and drink late at bars and sleep with those loose women in the fashion industry." "Well, no." "None of them." "Then I'm in." "Here's the book I was telling you about." "You won't be able to put it down." "The characters are so real." "And I gotta tell you." "I just love the heroine." "In 10 minutes I was completely hooked." "Oh, hi." "Heroin, Maya?" "What?" "Nina wants to help you, Maya." "Let her." "Wait a minute." "What do you think of me?" "I'm like a Girl Scout." "Did you tell him that I do drugs?" "Well, not on purpose." "What does that mean?" "Well, at dinner I was telling this fascinating story about a customs check in Thailand, and then I realized that it was about me." "So, thinking quickly, I made it about you." "You didn't." "Well, Maya, I panicked." "You know, and, well, drug use aside, there was no way he was gonna date you." "Why not?" "Well, because of your drinking and bizarre sexual habits." "What?" "I don't want this man thinking I'm a crazy freak in bed." "Well, then sleep with him." "That'll teach him a lesson." "Is that what you do all day?" "Make wise-ass comments?" "No." "I answer the phone funny." "Hey, where are you going with that?" "Back to the toy store." "What are you talking about?" "In the past three days, I bumped my head, I cut my finger," "I stubbed my toe and I ate the plastic around a piece of cheese." "Call it guilt." "Call it bad karma." "Call it whatever you want!" "I'm taking this back to the store." "Come on." "Do you know how much that thing is worth?" "I don't care." "Why are you gonna take it back to the store?" "What are they gonna do with it anyway?" "All they care about are those stupid Spice Girls dolls, which you can't even run a comb through." "Come on!" "No." "Come on." "No." "Come on?" "No." "NINA:" "Anybody home?" "Fiddle-dee-dee?" "In the kitchen." "Theresa, no te preocupes." "Bueno." "Sorry I'm late, cotton ball." "But you know how that pastor tends to go on and on." "What's wrong, sugarplum?" "Tonight's a complete disaster." "I just had to let my housekeeper go." "Darn it to heck!" "One of the most important dinners of my career and..." "Hey, didn't you say you were a gourmet cook?" "I may have." "I say a lot of things." "Oh, Nina." "Nina, you have to help." "Now, I wouldn't ask, but, gall darn it, I'm in a pickle." "I can relate." "Oh, thank you." "You are saving my political fanny." "Okay, where do we start?" "Oh, I don't know." "Where do you think we start?" "Preheat the oven?" "Right you are!" "That's the dishwasher." "Well, of course it is, silly." "That's just my way of saying, "Now stay out of my kitchen."" "And you're sure you don't want me here?" "Oh, I've never been so sure of anything in my life." "Okay, no problem." "I can do this." "Well, I'm stumped." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "NINA:" "Maya, thank God you're there." "I really need your help." "Matthew has asked me to prepare a gourmet meal and I have no idea what I'm doing." "Well, I'd love to help you, but the only thing I know how to cook is crack on a spoon." "Maya, I'm so sorry." "I shouldn't have told him those things." "I'm sorry." "What were you thinking?" "What are you trying to pull off here?" "Well, I don't know." "I just really like this guy." "But he's not at all your type." "I know." "He's so old-fashioned." "He hasn't even tried to kiss me yet." "Oh, come on, Maya." "Just this once." "Just for tonight." "I know you think this whole thing is crazy, but just help me make this work." "I don't know." "Why should I?" "Well, can't you just do it because I'm so pathetic?" "Okay." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you so much." "Okay, what have we got to work with?" "Okay." "Well, there's some chicken, a bunch of vegetables, a lemon, some rice and lettuce in a big ball." "Okay, Nina, first, chop the vegetables." "Okay, hang on." "I'm gonna do this." "Are you still there?" "Don't worry, Nina." "I'm not going anywhere." "I'll stay with you till the end." "Okay, Maya, what's next?" "Maya?" "Damn it, Maya, talk to me." "Oh, God, I'm all alone!" "Nina, is everything..." "Are you smoking?" "See, Matty, it's like this." "I don't know how to cook." "I'm not Southern." "I don't go to church." "I've never voted." "I drink like a sailor, often in the company of sailors, and I was peripherally involved in the abduction of Patty Hearst." "I don't know what to say." "You've never voted once?" "Look, I'm sorry I lied." "It's just that I figured it was the only way I..." "Oh, never mind." "Look, I'll just get out of your hair." "Goodbye, Matthew." "Nina." "Yeah." "I want to be bad." "Come on." "No." "Come on." "No." "Come on." "No." "Come on." "No." "No." "I'm gonna teach you a lesson in humanity, what it's like to do a good deed." "Hey, there, little fellas." "Hey, Mr. Leitner." "You probably don't remember, but I used to come in here as a kid." "Well, then I bet you'll remember these." "Oh, great, green." "Actually, there's something I want to give you." "You see, when I was a kid, I stopped in here for some baseball cards on my way home from a music recital and I..." "Well, when you weren't looking, I stuffed this in my trumpet case." "Pretty silly, huh?" "Oh, kids do dumb things." "One moment, please." "Wow, see?" "I feel better already." "Hey, what was that button for?" "Oh, that summons the police." "How's the lollipop?" "No, but you don't..." "You don't understand." "I'm returning this." "Someone has to teach you a lesson, and I know just the dirty cop to do it." "But I'm doing the right thing." "When you get to prison, be sure to knife the first guy you see." "Now, you'll spend two months in the hole, but they'll respect you." "What's happening?" "That's what you're going to say when they corner you in the laundry." "No, but you don't understand." "I... (SIREN WAILING)" "How much you want for the doll?" "It says here, $6.95." "I'll give you two bucks and a green lollipop." "Done." "That was incredible." "You know that last part is illegal in some states." "Maybe I can change that." "Oh, you'd have my vote." "I think you're gonna be good for me, Nina." "I think maybe I need to loosen up a little." "Aw, that's so sweet of you to say, but aren't you afraid that I'll hurt your political future?" "Heck, no." "Gosh darn it, hell, no." "I refuse to believe that following my heart could ever lead to my downfall." "Senator Bentley?" "The door..." "Good heavens, man." "Uh, Judge, may I present Ms. Nina Van Horn?" "Oh, that's not necessary." "Hi, Tom." "* Life keeps bringing me back to you" "* Keeps bringing me home" "* It don't matter what I wanna do" "* 'Cause it's got a mind of its own" "* Life keeps bringing me back to you *"