"Previously on Studio 60" "Would you like to go out on a date with me sometime?" "Pardon?" "I'm leaving Juilliard,I'm giving up the viola, and I'm going to study improvisational comedy." "You want to meet with Tom Jeter,Kim, have him tell you about life in comedy?" "I would be indebted to you." "You'll have your daughter back." "So she's auctioning off a chance to go to an awards dinner?" "As her date." "It opened at $500." "Bid $501." "Are you and Darius having a problem?" " Not as soon as I'm done - with him,we're not." "I don't know what that means." "You don't have to." " You're trading up." " That's not true." " I'm not good enough to write for?" " Come on." "Get your head out of your ass." "Did you get my fax recommendation for Danny?" "Yes,I did,Matt... along with 38 others, including Martin Scorsese,Lauren Bacall and Lord Dickenson,the Third Earl of Kent." "You have to stop." "This is embarrassing to me,Danny." "Will you please stop?" "No." "THE HARRIET DINNER" "Kent converted the three-point play." "Stays at a three-point game,29-26." "Good evening,Mr. Rudolph." "Good evening,George." "You don't have to sign in." "I'm here to see Tom Jeter." "Yes,sir,your office called." "He's in a wardrobe fitting." "That's the end of the hall,then downstairs." "Thank you." "Almost done?" "Jill!" "You want it good or you want it fast?" "I'm a bunch of grapes,Jill." "Good's out of the question,now." " I want it fast." " Stop moving." "Jack Rudolph's coming here to see me." "He already thinks I'm an idiot." "I'd rather I wasn't wearing this thing when he..." " Jeter!" " That was predictable." " What are you right now?" " I'm one of the Fruit of the Loom." "We're working on a sketch about a militant new fruit." "Genius." "It's gonna be funny by Friday." " You wearing anything under there?" " Boxers and a T-shirt." "I guess that's a little more dignified." " Jill,can I..." " Yeah." " A militant Fruit of the Loom?" " I can take that." "A mongongo." "It's an African fruit." "It was Simon's idea." "No kidding." " Do you want to go in my dressing room?" " Please." "Probably wondering what the drama's about, why..." "I wanted to see you." "Yeah." "There comes a time in every great man's life when he needs a favor from someone like you." "What does someone like me usually say?" "Well,they're usually too scared to say anything but yes." "I hear that." "You remember Zhiang Tao and his daughter Kim?" "Yeah." "I need a favor from Zhiang." "Well,you should ask him just the way you're asking me." "No,'cause he's a person of considerable importance." "Sure." "A little help?" " They're here in town." " Zhiang and Kim?" "Yeah." "The Juilliard Orchestra played a concert tonight at UCLA." "The family's here till the end of the week." "That's nice." "The family came all the way over from..." "Yeah,I'm going to keep talking until I'm done, and then if you feel like there's something you need to say, I'll give you a moment." " Have I done something wrong?" " Probably." "That's not what this is about." " Kim is a viola prodigy." " I know." "That is a huge source of pride for her father." "I'm sure." "She wants to give up the viola and take up doing what you do- comedy." "That would be a huge source of shame for her father." "Mm-hmm." "I'm going to say something now, and when I do,I want you to look at me, because when you look at me,you're gonna know that I'm not employing hyperbole." "The fate of Western civilization rests on you talking her out of it." "Harriet's getting an award at a dinner Thursday, and you're going to take Kim as your date." "By the end of the night,she's going to be back at Juilliard playing the viola and making her father happy, because that's what you're going to tell her to do." "During the course of this date, you're gonna describe for her a life of rejection, humiliation,unemployment and wretchedness." "You will at no time touch her in a sexual manner." "I have a date Thursday night." "A date with destiny,Tom." "No,a date with Lucy Kenwright." " Break it." " Yes." "What if I screw up?" "No problem." "I'll be right there at the next table to make sure that doesn't happen." "Excellent." " Tom?" " Yeah?" "You have to know I'm someone that..." "doesn't like to rely on other people." "Yeah." "So you have to know..." "I appreciate this." "Yeah." "Okay." "Tom..." "Sorry!" " =The Last Fantasy=- Proudly Presents we can****** the******" "There was already a show that used it." "Damn it to hell." "All right,well,it was a great idea anyway,Hallie,better luck next time." " Shut up." " All right." "Keep going." "Former gang member Dusty D of the Venice 15, paralyzed a boy named Reggie Dobson in a drive-by shooting." "You've got pictures of them both in your packets." "Dusty D is out of prison and a born-again Christian." "Reggie Dobson's starting medical school at Albert Einstein in the fall." "Dobson's eager to make peace with his assailant, but his grandmother hasn't forgiven Dusty and has vowed to kill him if she ever meets him." "How old is the grandmother?" "87." "She and Dusty should do it." "All right,we've got..." "We've got the...... gang member and the shooting victim, the Michigan football player, and you've got the girl" " Jordan?" " Meeting adjourned?" " Jordan." " Sales." " Sales loves it." "What were the odds?" "The adjacencies work well over the two hours, and we've run it past the O  O's and they like it." "And it's worth mentioning that the last three two-hour specials we've had have won the night." "Jack,you should be aware of a trend study that shows that adults 18-34 are increasingly concerned with being good and doing good." "And this show is a quantum leap in that direction." " No,I meant that..." " She knows what you meant." "Philip,do you think..." "I'm sorry,is it Philip?" "Phil." "Your company can do this one-eight?" "Production is one-eight plus fees,two-six all in." "And it's ready by May?" "It's ready to test the end of April." "I want to talk to Jordan alone and don't kid yourselves, this is her call." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Okay." "Bye-bye." "Thank you." " Well,I appreciate that." " What?" "Your reminding me that it's my call." " Yeah,you're doing it." " I had a hunch." "There's a hole in May because of your spectacular Dracula blunder and we're..." "Hey,I didn't trade Romanian currency." "Yeah." "I didn't cause their market to tank." "I wasn't the one who couldn't pay the crew, and I didn't run off with the sets and the cameras." " You just..." " Oversaw the whole thing." "Yeah." "It didn't go well in New York,did it?" "The board came pretty close to removing Wilson." "He had to adjourn the meeting." "The deal in Macau would make them a lot of money instantly and the FCC would have to approve that deal, so the board doesn't want to go round and round with the FCC." "You know what you should do?" "You should get Zhiang Tao to say he won't make the deal with TMG unless..." " Unless they back Wilson." " Appeal to his sense of honor." "I'm,like,20 hours ahead of you,and I think he's going to do it, but first, I've got to get his daughter Kim to not drop out of Juilliard." " Seriously?" " Yeah." "Tom Jeter's taking her to a... a dinner where Harriet Hayes is getting a good guy award, and if Tom told her to eat a viola,she would do it." "Wait,is this Catholics in Media,the dinner for Harriet?" " Yeah." " I'm going to that." "Harriet auctioned off a chance to be her date that night, and because it'll be a strange guy,she asked me to..." "Here's what's incredible." "She auctioned herself off to raise money for an abstinence program being sponsored by Women United Through Faith, an organization that had disowned her because she,during the whole Pahrump thing..." "This is all coming together in a way that doesn't interest you at all." "Wow,did I think that was gonna go on for a while." "Anyway,I'll be at that dinner." "I'll be there,too." " To support Harriet?" " Yeah!" "The guy says he can do it for one-eight." "Sales projects $375,000 minutes." "You need a calculator?" "We're gonna do this show." "It's event TV." "I love event TV." "I don't watch it, but I'm crazy about it." "Hey,Jack." "When the time is good,you're gonna tell me why you brought Hallie here,right?" "I brought Hallie here..." "I brought her here for exactly the reason..." "To run alternative programming." " Okay." " There's no other reason." "I'll give her a green light." "This is a film segment,a commercial parody." ""Dora's Hammer of the Gods for Playstation 3."" "Can you do it for $72,000 if you shoot at the botanical gardens?" "I saw this." "We don't need to spend $72,000." "If you shoot exterior night..." "We can do it right here." "I can shoot it on tape and we'll save $18,000." "The last shot has to be creepy,snakes and vipers." "It's going to be creepy." "We run it through a film-look process." "We have the money for this,we should go out." "We can do it right here for 54." " Really?" " Yeah." " You're gonna bring snakes into the building?" " I knew that was your problem." "Of course that's my problem!" "And these snakes aren't the little ones, 'cause I've read the script, I know what the shot needs to be." "All right." "Do it." "Last thing is that Harriet's getting an award Thursday night." "Some people are going to the dinner,so work's gonna gonna start again at 11:00 or so." " Anything else?" " No!" "Thank you." " Are you going?" " To the Harriet dinner?" "Yeah." "I am,but very cleverly." "I've been telling Harriet I can't go, but I've been bidding online and I'm gonna show up and surprise her as her date." "You know the money's going to Women United Through Faith?" "Yeah,it's for an abstinence-only program, but I'm off-setting it by setting a matching check to a group that promotes polyamorous activities." "Like what?" "I don't want to know, but I'm sure it bothers abstinence people." "I screwed up." "What did you do?" "The recommendations yesterday." "I embarrassed her." "I'm sure you didn't." "No." "I did." "She told me I did." "She was pretty mad." "I gotta change what I'm doing." "It can't be like a barbershop quartet or skywriting." "No." "Maybe the letters were a soaker." "You know,it'll take her a while, then it'll hit her?" "Maybe." " But you don't think so." " I do." " I'm asking for honest advice." " Look." "What?" "I think she's asking you to stop." "Yeah,I know." "Any chance you can just stop thinking about her?" "Show me how to stop thinking about Harriet." "Yeah,all right." "I'll leave her alone." "Tell her I'm sorry,I'll leave her alone." "For what it's worth,I like seeing you..." "the way you've been." " In pain?" "No." " You know." "I don't know." "All right." "Tom,what did Jack want to see you about last night?" "Zhiang Tao and his daughter Kim are here." "He needs me to take Kim to the Harriet dinner Thursday night and convince her not to give up the viola." "It's always something like that." " I asked Lucy out for Thursday night." " Yeah?" "I'll just tell her what happened." "I know it seems like the truth is always the best way to go, but it hardly ever is." "Well,look,this is,you know,our first date, and it's not like..." "What?" "I'm not choosing to go out with another woman." "The only words in that sentence that mean anything are "another woman. "" "All right." "Hey,I read the first draft of "Dolphin Girl. "" "That was just for construction and wardrobe." "I don't have it yet." " It's close." " It's not there,but it'll get there." " Suzanne!" "?" " Yes,sir." " Has he dropped out yet?" " No,but everyone else has." " What was his last bid?" " $5,300." "You know,for $5,300, I could take her to dinner in Maui." "Have you explored the possibility that LUKES5858 isn't Luke Scott?" "58 was his NYU grad school film." "The only way someone could know about that movie is if they were either him, or obsessed with him." "You know about it." "Bid $5,301 dollars." "And $5,302 to the sex club?" "It's not a sex club, it's a polyamorous movement supporting the choice to engage in responsible,multi-partnered relationships." "They wanted me to ask you if you'd be willing to accept an award at their next meeting." " I should tell them no." " Eh,an award's an award." "You got the letters?" " The stack you want has the Post-It." " Thanks." "Good morning." "Lucy has a date with Tom Thursday night." " I heard." " Will you settle down?" "What are you going to wear?" "I was going to dress like a girl." "Do you have anything I can borrow?" " What's this?" " Viewer mail." "It's been opened." "I pay Suzanne an extra five dollars a week to check our mail for anthrax." "Everyone who writes to us gets a personal note back from someone on the staff." "Take an hour this morning and dive into it." "This one begins,"Matthew,you are a god. "" "Yes!" ""Matt,enclosed you will find a recent snapshot. "" " Is it a girl?" " Yes,but she's a prisoner." "What's yours say, Darius?" "What's this?" "I was just messing with you,that's some of Simon's mail." "This was sent to Simon?" "Over the years he collects them." "He gets "you're a god" and "here's a picture,"" "but he also gets that, and he asked me to let you know about it." "Can I see,uh,go see him a minute?" "Yeah,I think we're done with viewer mail." "*******" "And action." "Join me,Masi Oka,as I host Studio 60 this Friday night with musical guests John Legend." "Save me,save the world." "Great." "Still rolling." "Let's get another one." " And ready?" " Yes." "And action." "Join me,Masi Oka,as I host Studio 60 this Friday night, with musical guest John Legend." "Save me..." " Wait,sorry." " Still rolling." "Am I the one who can travel through time?" "No." " Which one am I?" " You're indestructible." "Who's the one who can travel through time?" " Me." " Cool." "Guys..." "Hey,I heard you're playing Anita Pallenberg." "Yeah,it's exciting." "You know you're going to need to act." "You can't just do your funny voices." "Just read the card." "And action!" "Join me,Masi Oka, as I host Studio 60 this Friday night, with musical guest John Legend." "Harriet Hayes will be here,too." "And cut!" "Great!" "What the hell is that?" "Dolphin Girl." "It's a funny new voice." " Really." " Yeah." " You're wrapped." " Thank you." "Bevo!" "Morning,Cal." "What do we got?" "I'm shooting a quick commercial parody for a video game." "The last shot,I'm using this bone yard set." "I need the vipers crawling over the bones and the game box." "How long is the shot?" "Three-eighths of a page." "How many you want?" " How many'd you bring?" "Two - dozen." "Well,let's start with all of them and see what it looks like." "Sure." "Hey,it turns out Danny Tripp's afraid of snakes." "These are harmless,right?" "No,they're vipers." "Harmless vipers?" " No,regular vipers." " Uh-huh." "So if they bite you,you'd what?" "Go into anaphylactic shock." "But they would only bite if they're provoked?" "They'll strike at any kind of movement." "Okay,you know what,let's get this done." "Okay,sure." ""Do we call you Mongo?" ""No,you do not." ""You call Mongongo." ""You do not abbreviate my name "like The Man abbreviated Black History Month." ""Gee,I'm pretty sure February was always 28 days." ""Check again,racist mofo." ""Where you from,Mongongo?" "Your mama's house,white rice. "" " Hang on a second." "Lucy." " Don't stop." "No,I just need to talk to you a second." " Is anything wrong?" " No, we just have to pick another night." "I can't go out with you Thursday." "That's all right." "What happened?" "What happened?" "Oh,you don't have to tell me." "No,I'll tell you what happened." "I'd already agreed to do an appearance for NBS." "Ooh,what kind of appearance?" "A personal appearance,uh,celebrity waiter." " Waiter?" " Yeah." "The TCA is in town." "The networks have dinners,and at the NBS dinner..." " They use their actors as waiters?" " That's right." " Well,that's adorable." " Yeah,well..." " You think?" " Th-that's sweet." "And do you wear the whole outfit?" "Oh,yeah,tie... vest,apron..." "Okay,um,well,how about the weekend,or are you..." "You must be tired after?" "No,the weekend's great." "Saturday night?" "You're not too tired after the show Friday?" "No,no,I'm young, I'm very young and physically fit." "All right." "Saturday night." "Great." "Okay,relax." "Did you think I'd be angry?" "Well,I wasn't..." "You're really very sweet." "And I'm looking forward to our date." "Thank you." "I mean,me,too." "I'm going to try very hard to make it a good one." " Hey,why is Lucy working on this?" " Why not?" "Seems like Darius's thing." " I asked Darius." " And?" "Darius asked Lucy." "Any more questions?" " No." " No." " Looks like I got your mail." " Ah,anything good?" "Look..." "I won Publisher's Clearing House or..." "If you have something to say to me, how about you just say it... sir?" "I think you're a moron?" "Yeah?" "I can do more than just the black stuff is all I meant by it." "Well,right now,I don't see you writing much of anything at all." " I'm new." " You're off to a good start." "Look,I didn't want to write your damn "Mongongo Fruit" sketch." "I'd pay more attention to your general tone of voice with me." "You're right." "I apologize." "It's just,I'm saying..." "You don't want to work on my sketch,that's fine." "But you don't want to work on it 'cause it's black, well,that makes you the pool boy at the Little House of Uncle Thomas." "*********" "Okay,good,good,get ready." "Try it." "What i is it?" "It's called majoun." "It's also called honey and hash,though,isn't it,Keith?" "How many times have you thought about making love to me?" "I don't know." "Put down your guitar,and be in my movie." "What's it called?" "It's called Majoun." "It's also called Honey and Hash,isn't it?" "All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun." "It's the show you like,isn't it?" "That was Goddard." "All that schooling." "I'm not going to paint his eyes black now." "We're going to do it eventually." "It's a big Keith Richards moment." "Yeah,that's fine." "You want POV footage from Anita's camera?" "I think we should have it." "All right,Harriet,we lose you now." "You go back to your night job." "Thanks,guys." "Let me talk to you a second?" " The scene's coming along." " It is." " You want to have dinner Thursday night?" " Thursday night I can't." "I'm actually..." "There's..." "I'm getting an award from Catholics in Media." "You're not Catholic." "They feel I'm good enough to be Catholic." "You are." " Yeah." " Where is it?" "On a soundstage at Warner Brothers." "How about I come by afterwards and we get a drink or something?" "No?" "Friends of Matt saw us at that New Year's Eve party." "I didn't know that mattered." "I'm just mentioning it." "Can I be your priest for a second?" "Sure." "You and Matt broke up a long time ago." "Except you see each other every day at work and you do a show every Friday night." "Breaking up hasn't broken you up." "It's just become a new condition of your relationship, and it's comfortable now." "Mostly,it's all you have left." "It's not hard to understand, but you got to ask yourself..." "What?" "Don't you deserve a lot more?" " Well,you know..." " Don't you want a lot more?" "DORAS HAMMER OF THE GODS" "All right,let's keep rolling,let's keep rolling." "Still rolling,back to one." "Smoke." "Tommy,I want you to do the voiceover again for time." "And,camera,action." "Dora's Hammer of the Gods, new for PlayStation 3,rated "T" for Teen." "You know what?" "Cut." "Let's clear some of the snakes out,I want to see the box a little better Bevo?" "I want to take out some of the snakes." "Honey,how many vipers did you send me with this morning?" "That Tessie?" "Hey,Tessie!" "She says all 24." " What does that mean?" " Okay." "Is everything all right?" "I'm only counting 23." "23 snakes?" "Tessie sent me with 24." "That was my count this morning, but now I'm only getting 23." "Are there any places around here a snake might hide?" "Yes,Bevo,it's... it's a 90-year-old theater." "I think we got a loose one." "There's a loose poisonous viper in the building?" " Whoa,what?" " Nothing." "It's slang." "Why don't you guys take a ten-minute break... away from here?" "Why don't you have a look around?" "They were all given sedatives,so we're fine for a while." "The sedative wears off,right?" "Oh,yeah." "Let's find him." "That's going to be easy,Cal." "They leave a trail." "If the trail leads to my boss's office, just have the viper bite me on the face." " Hey,Cal." " Matt." " What's going on?" " Getting the last shot." " Good,don't skimp on the snakes." " Yeah." "I was just coming to get you." "They closed the bidding." "They weren't supposed to close it until tomorrow." "They were moved by the generosity of the two highest bidders, and they've announced online that Harriet's agreed to have them both as her guests." "It's a tie?" "LUKES5858 and BossSexy." " Are you kidding me?" " Congratulations." " Hey." " It's a tie!" " What's a tie?" " Your online auction." "Oh,yeah,two people have been bidding each other up through the roof." "I thought,"This is so sweet,let both of them come." "The church gets twice the money. "" "This is fantastic." "See ya." "And the sex people want to know if you've got any clips they can put together for a tribute reel." "Yeah... he went down this grate." "There's a grate on your stage underneath the set." "Has this ever happened before?" "It happens all the time." "You should mention that up top to the client." "Yeah." "What do you usually do?" "We use a ferret." "The animal,a ferret?" "They hunt snakes." "I send the ferret down the grate, he'll get the snake." "Okay." "I should tell you,it's going to be another $6,000 to replace the snake." "Why do you have to replace the snake?" "The ferret's going to eat it." "You lost the snake." "Okay." "I'm sure he'll come out eventually." "We can just wait." "All right..." "********" "THURSDAY" "e hehe Yeah,he's still down there." "The snake?" "The ferret." "Where's the snake?" " The ferret ate him." " Eaten by the ferfet." " Let me try the whistle again." " No,don't try..." "Nope,he's not moving." "Yeah,it's been two days." "I don't think he's responding to the whistle." "They usually do." "Two days,Bevo." "I've had a viper and a well-fed ferret under the stage, who's almost certainly rabid at this point." "It's been two days,and I need to start telling people what's going on." "It's time for me to tell them the truth." "Cal,what the hell's going on?" "Uh,electrical problem." "Soon,it's going to be time for me to start telling them the truth." "He was just showing me a whistle." "Okay." "I saw the cut." "Looks good." "You were right,you saved us some money." "Okay,well,bye now." "Okay." " Danny." " Yeah." "You know about this promo?" "I took care of it." "She did the dolphin voice." "Yeah,I asked Promo to stop running it." "Well,it aired once,and it's on the Internet." "People like it." "That's great,but it doesn't exist yet." "What's going on?" "They're painting my office." "Oh." "You staying here?" "I'm going to wait for you guys to get back so we can work a little, and now I'm waiting for Jordan." "Yeah?" "She and Harry are going over together." "I'm going to talk to her a second before she leaves." "You know you don't have anything to apologize for." "Yeah." "Well..." " Who is that guy down there with Cal?" " I don't know." "I recognize that guy." " Hey." " Hey,you look nice." " Have fun tonight." " Thank you." " You did the dolphin voice." " When?" "In the promo with what's-his-name." " I was just kidding around." " Well,they aired it once." " Jordan." " You ready to go?" "You mind if I talk to you for a second?" "Yeah." "You know,I'm going to head on over." "Why don't we just meet there?" " Sure." " Have fun." "Thank you." "You should be going for her." "I know,I'm the worst." "I'm selfish and unsupportive." "What was that?" "Don't worry about it." "In your office?" "Uh,they're... they're painting in there." "I can,I can say it out here." "Uh..." "I just want to say that..." "Uh,I'm sorry." "Uh..." "Sorry." "I wanted to say..." "COME ON" "What's up here?" "The roof." "I wanted to tell you I'm sorry." "I feel terrible I embarrassed you with the letters and it'll all stop now and go back to normal." "Well..." "Okay." "Okay." "We should go." "Okay." "Danny?" "It's locked." " Are you kidding me?" " No." "Are you kidding me?" "Hey!" "Sorry." "Hey!" "Hello?" "!" "All right,here's the good news: this right here is a crucial scene in any romantic comedy." "Please get us out of here." "Yeah." " Let me say something." " What?" "I'm not sure he was so off-the-charts wrong." "Is that right?" " Why can't he write what he wants?" " He can write what he wants." "He didn't want to work on a Fruit-of-the-Loom sketch." "Give me your manhood,right now." "and give it to me,because you're not gonna be needing it." "Let's let somebody else use it." " Oh,my God." " What?" "That... that can't possibly be Kim." " Where?" " There." " That's Kim?" " Oh,my God." "All right,you're gonna need your manhood." "No,no,I'm not allowed." "Kim." "Hello." "You look very nice." "Thank you." "Nice?" "That is the adjective you use?" "Girl,you are on fire." "The guy who designed that dress,he looked at you and he said,"I've got an idea. "" " Sim." " Yeah?" "Why don't you go find Huey Newton or something?" "I LOOK AROUND" "You look very nice." "I was hoping you'd like it." "So I need to talk to you." "Harriet,over here!" " I don't know where Jordan went." " She'll be here." "She was right there, then she went to talk to Danny a second." "What's going on with Danny and Jordan?" "I don't know,we should talk about it a little closer to the microphones." "Ms. Hayes,over here." "Ms. Hayes." "Oh,my God." "Surprise." "Matt,can we get you in there with Harriet?" "Sure." "Hey,Sam." "GET OUT ~~" "You decided to come." "I won you." "What do you mean?" "Well,I didn't win you,but I tied." "Wait,you're kidding." "I've been bidding on you since Monday." "I had to cut into my donut fund." "Matthew,this is so sweet." "Yeah." "Where's Luke?" " Luke?" " Yeah." " Luke's not coming." " Yes,he is." "No,he's not." "He was the other guy bidding,Harriet." "Harriet." "Luke is the other guy?" "Yes." "Wait a second,what's going on?" "Harriet Hayes,I'd like you to meet Cody Kyle." "Cody was the winner in the online auction." "Whoa,you're LUKES5858?" "Star Wars,dude." "Luke Skywalker." "Yeah,Skywalker Ranch is... 5858 Lucas Valley Road." "Can you believe nobody else copped that username?" "You're Luke?" "Yeah,who are you?" "He's BossSexy." "This isn't happening." "How old are you,Cody?" "15 going on." "Doorstep of my sexual prime." " Hey,me,too." " Awesome." "Where does a 15-year-old get this kind of money from?" "Dude,I'm Cody Kyle." "Cody's a professional snowboarder." "He bronzed in the half- pipe at the X Games." "Really?" "Gentlemen,which one of you would like to escort me to our table?" " I call it!" " Look..." "Sorry,Matthew,he called it." "Kim,you're... 20 years old,right?" "Yep." "Well,just 'cause I'm a little responsible for you tonight," "I wanted to tell you that the drinking age in California is 21." "What's the age for taking you back to my hotel room and dancing for you?" " Eighteen." " Thank you." "Let's talk about you and the viola." "Let's talk about you and your cute ass." "Anything?" "No service." "No service." "No service." "No service." "And... no service." "You know what?" "Maybe the wireless companies should take a quick break from putting movies on my phone and spend a little time seeing to it I can make phone calls with my phone." "You thought Luke S. was Luke Scott." "It was LUKES5858, and his NYU graduate film was 58." "How did you know that?" "Because I know that." "You've become obsessed with Luke." "I haven't become obsessed with him," "I was obsessed with him the last time you broke up with me to go out with him." "We're not going out now." "So?" "You said "the last time" I broke up with you." "You're implying I'd be breaking up with you now." "You know what I meant." "No,as a matter of fact,I don't." " I meant..." " This exactly what he said." " Who?" " Luke." "After rehearsal Tuesday." "This is exactly what he said." "We haven't broken up." "But we're in a new condition where we're acting like we have 'cause it's comfortable." "Sounds like Luke really focuses at rehearsal." "This was after rehearsal." "Talk to Danny." "He's directed two pretty good movies it's hard." "You really don't have time to cover for Dr. Phil." "It's true though,right?" " No." " It is." "Damn,Harriet." "I paid $11,000." "Yeah." "You paid..." "Why did you pay $11,000?" "I had to." "You were at $5,500,but I didn't like where..." "You know,I didn't agree where the money was going- abstinence - so I found a group that opposes..." "What group?" "They're called Loving More." "Loving More?" "They're at the forefront of a national polyamorous movement." " Oh,dear God." " They're giving me an award." "Of course." "I secretly bid online to be your date on a night that's important to you." "You don't think that's sweet and a little cute?" "It wasn't either one,Slick." "You didn't start bidding until after you thought Luke had." "Our date's got a sound point,dude." "Do me a favor." "Don't call her "our date" or me "dude," okay?" "Excuse me,Harriet." "This is a beautiful event,Shirley." "Oh,thank you." "And we're so happy you're here,Mr. Albie." "I'm thrilled to be here." "Jordan McDeere isn't here yet,and she was to present you." "I know." "We're looking for her." " If she's late,would you mind?" " Not at all." "Thank you." "See,the problem is brwe're facing the alley." "If we were facing the street,we could just shout down there." "I think the problem is that we're locked on the roof." "Sure." "I was just breaking down the game film." "Tell me you didn't do this on purpose." "I didn't." "Really?" "I wanted to talk to you so I could apologize,which I've done." "I fell for you." "I told you." "I courted you every hour of every day." "What a jackass am I." "You felt sorry for me." "You ambushed me." "You embarrassed me every hour of every day." " Felt sorry for you?" " Yes,you are a jackass." "I felt sorry for you for what?" "Being pregnant by myself." "How can someone so smart and beautiful" " Is this you courting me?" " No." "I quit that." "How are we going to get down?" "Is there a way to climb down the wall?" "If I hadn't left my Bat-rope in the office..." "Well,think of something." "You know,I just remembered who that guy is." "What guy?" "The guy down on the stage with Cal." "That's Bevo." " He's an animal wrangler." " So what?" "We shot a film segment on Tuesday,but he's here on Thursday, and Cal wasn't shooting anything." "There's a snake loose in the building." "Oh,my God." "It's all right." "We're in the best place possible." "We're on the roof." "You think snakes don't know how to crawl up?" "Kim,becoming a comedian is hard." "I know,getting in Juilliard is hard,too." "Yeah,it is,but ten children per class were accepted into the Central Conservatory of Music in Beijing." "You think it's hard getting into Juilliard, imagine if America was five times bigger, and Juilliard was five times smaller." "Well,that's a compelling stat." "Excuse me." "Can I talk to you a second?" "What are you doing here?" "Harriet gave us tickets." "Well,go back to your table,Amos." "Yeah." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "What did he mean,Harriet gave us tickets?" "Tom?" "Lucy." "A celebrity waiter for the TCA?" "I hope,uh..." "You'll be wearing the outfit and everything." "I hope... it's..." "God,Tom." "We hadn't even been out on a date yet." "Aren't you supposed to wait until you've slept with me to start acting like a creep?" "Was that your girlfriend?" "No." "But I lied to her and broke a date so I could be here." "This is easily fixable,Tommy." "Yeah." "Take this." "Sure." "Hey,Kim." " Hi,Mr. Rudolph." " Hi,Tom." "Tell him I'm being a gentleman." " He's an animal." " I'm not an animal!" " Progress report." " I'm doing my best." "Your best isn't going to do it,Tom." "You need to do somebody else's best." "Fine." "What are you doing?" "I'm going to jump." "We're three stories up, and that's concrete down there." "All right,you jump." "Help!" "Hey!" "When did it happen?" " What?" "When did you,you know...?" " Fall in love with you?" "You're not in love with me,so stop saying that." "I'll be in charge of who I'm in love with,if that's okay?" "It's not okay." "Then call the cops." "When did you decide this?" "It's not a decision." "You're not buying a snow blower." " Then when did you...?" " The first time I met you." "The first time you met me,you hated me." "You didn't trust me." "You thought I was a network bitch." "You thought I was blackmailing you." "You proved me wrong." "So your only recourse was to fall in love with me?" "Ironic." " I'm asking when you suddenly...?" " Jordan,what do you want from me?" "!" "You've rejected me." "I'm stuck up on a roof." "I have a snake loose in my studio." "If I deserve punishment,I'm getting it." "I didn't say you deserved punishment." "And I wish you hadn't run that promo with Harriet doing the Dolphin Girl." "Yeah,what's Matt's problem?" "He doesn't know what it is yet." "It's a funny voice." "And Harriet did the funny voice on the promo." "Yeah." "Now they're talking about it on the Internet, and the sketch it's bound to be in, and it's not finished yet." "It's not the end of the world." "No,it's not,but it's a continuation of the one-sheet world." "What's a one-sheet world?" "You know." "A movie poster." "A one-sheet." "I think we'll do The Green Lantern." "I can see the one-sheet now." "Don't worry that we don't have a story." "We're going to make all our money before word-of-mouth can kill us anyway." "We elect presidents the same way." "He's got a big name." "He'll raise money." "He'll get the nomination." "We'll teach him how to be president later." "It was a TV promo,you tremendous doofus!" "I understand!" "I was making an analogy!" "I think you got him." "They got to be wondering where we are." "Right?" "Matt and Harriet?" "Yeah." "Maybe they're having too good a time." "Matt and Harriet?" "I'm not worried about that." "Here you go." " Thank you so much." " You bet." "What was going to happen then?" "Should I go?" "What was going to happen then?" "I'll tell you..." "I really didn't think you..." "You know,there was an online charity auction for this dinner with you." "I gave whatever money it took to win." "What..." "What damn Harriet crime have I committed now?" "You were bidding because you thought Luke was bidding,too." " Yeah." "That's right." " That's right." "What happened to your sense of flattery?" "What was going to happen then,after you flattered me,Matt?" " I was going to go home,right?" "Alone." " Look..." "I was going to go home and think about how much I want you." "Gee,Harriet,I was just..." "Don't play stupid,Matt." "It's incredibly rude." "I deserve your best right now,and you know it, so knock it off." "All right,settle down." "Come on." "Hi." "That's what was supposed to happen,right?" "Why don't you just enjoy the night?" " Please answer the question." " What was the question?" "That's what was supposed to happen?" "Yes." "And then what?" " Harry..." " And then what?" "We're going to be finished tonight." "Don't be scared." "The grate used to be a part of the original heating system, so it's sealed at the bottom." "The opening is 24 inches in diameter,runs at a ten degree incline, so I don't see how we can send a man down there unless we rip up the floor,which I won't be able to fix before people get back here tonight." "Cal,I can go to my place,get him, be back here in 45 minutes." "This will all be over." "All right." "All right,get the coyote to get the ferret that was sent in after the snake." "But,Bevo,here's my question,just so I know:" "Yeah?" "What goes in after the coyote?"