"For some time now, Stephen Turnbull has been a man of routine." "Every day he showers for 27 minutes brushes for four..." " ... gargles for eight and flosses for seven." "He then files the floss stacks his urine and notes its pH." "Next he washes everything that has so tar touched his body, completes a 200-page book of bumper crosswords and watches eight episodes of Ray Mears'Extreme Survival on video tape." "Remember, you should always carry a parachute." "Then it's time for lunch." "Every day Stephen eats the same meal - a freeze-dried vegetarian lasagne, hermetically sealed for maximum life expectancy." "But today something is different." "Today there is a break in his carefully orchestrated routine." "Today Stephen will attempt to do something he hasn't done for over a year." "Today..." "Stephen will try to leave the house." "Ahoy there, matey, and welcome to Captain Crab." "He sails the seven seas so you don't have to, bringing you the freshest produce which will have you hooked, line and sinker." "Before we hoist anchor, tell me your name, sailor." "Stephen Turnbull." "And where do you hail from?" "15B Limestone Road," "King's Cross, London," "N19KM." "Would you like to order fish - such as cod, sole, haddock, halibut, mackerel, catfish, krill..." "No." "Would you like to order crustacean - such as crab, lobster, prawn, scallop..." "No." "Would you like to order the vegetarian option?" "Yes." "Great choice, shipmate." "Today's vegetarian option is..." "Mixed vegetables." "Mm, sounds delicious!" "There's nothing that the Captain likes more than to chow down on a hearty plate of..." "Mixed vegetables." "My personal favourite!" "To complete the order, just say, "Feed me."" "What?" "Say, "Feed me." Say, "Feed me."" "Feed me." "We surely will, shipmate." "Now relax, your order is sailing your way." "Welcome to Captain Crab, sir." "Please take a seat." "Oh, hey dude." "You look gorgeous." "She's gonna love you." "This is it?" "What?" "You told me you'd booked me a table in a world-class seafood restaurant." " And?" " This place is a dump." "What the fuck are you talking about?" "It's incredible." "I eat here all the time." "I've been waiting for this day for three years, Bunny." "I'm hardly going to tell Melanie I love her in a Captain Crab." "Hey, come on." "I've saved you the best table in the house, buddy." "Hit the lights, Ray." "Now, listen to me." "You're ready, all right?" "You're gorgeous." "You've carried this girl's library books for three years." "You've even got a PhD to impress her, for God's sake." "It this piece of chicken don't wanna work your joint after that," "I'll cut off my right nut." "Thank you." "Fuck her, dude." "The "Friend Zone"." "Well, it was three years." "In my book, it you haven't had snogsies by closing time it's game over." "Maybe there's a way back." "No way back from the Friend Zone, dude." "She doesn't see you as a sexual being." " But I am one." " I know." "I think you're gorgeous." "So do loads of girls, just... not in Britain." "That's why we need to hit the road, man." "Find ourselves a country where you can do something about those walloping great Space Noppers you've got clanging around in your pants." "I'm having a year off sex." "Another one?" "Come on, man, give yourself a break." "Let's go on holiday." "I thought you were broke." "All that's about to change." "Who have you got in the 3:40 at Ripon?" "Future Proof." "Atlantis Rising." " Are you mentally ill?" " That horse is a shoe- in." "I know that horse." "It's 50-1 for a reason." "Well..." " Is this the Heindberg Theory again?" " No." "There's no way the jockey with the most aggressive face always wins." "All right, you were right." "I've accepted that now, thank you." "But this is a bona fide tip." "Masouda reckons he's a dead cert." "Who's Masouda?" "Remember when I was in the Yemen?" "Masouda's this really sexy stable girl out there." "And she says in training he's dynamite." "They've been slow running him just to get the odds up." "And this is the race they're gonna let that donkey fly." " Isn't that illegal?" " Massively illegal, dude." "We'll probably go to jail." "That's the point." "Think about it - 50 quid at 50-1." "That's two-and-a-halt grand." "Easily enough for a little jaunt round Europe for a couple of fellas like us." "All right, yeah. 50 quid on the nose." "That's my boy." "Last bets, please." "Last bets for the 3.40 at Ripon." "When were you in the Yemen?" "Last summer." "I thought you were on a fishing boat." "Yeah... fishing boat in the Yemen." "Oh, right." "So you must know the song, then?" "The song that Yemenese fisher folk sing almost constantly as they labour." "Oh, yeah." "Good tune, that." "How did it go?" "Wahey... fishy-fishy" "Come on to the boat" "Please come on" "To the boat... why?" "I don't know" "Because we are hungry for our..." "Tea" " There is no Masouda, is there?" " No." " Ever been to the Yemen?" " No." " This is the Heindberg Theory again." " Fine, yes." "But look at his face." "That is one mean motherfucker." "There's the 50-1 outsider, Atlantis Rising, trying to get to know the favourite, who doesn't seem to be having of it." "And they're off." "A clean start, apart from Atlantis Rising, who seems stuck but finally gets under way." "The running's being made by Future Proof, followed by Henley's A Washout and Doodlebug Dreamer, while Atlantis Rising brings up the rear." "As they head to the first fence," "Future Proof is pulling away from Henley's A Washout and Woggletok, while the little fancied Atlantis Rising is some way back and out of the running." "Useless." "He's way back!" "They haven't let him fly yet." "They haven't let him fly." "...between himself and the field." "Atlantis Rising struggling way back." " Come on!" " Come on!" "...whip has had an immediate effect." "A sterling run from Atlantis Rising, moving up through the field to join the front runners." "Almost neck and neck with Future Proof." "One more!" "One more!" "Hit him harder!" "Coming up to the second to last." "They land neck and neck." "The favourite is pulling away again." "Future Proof has pulled away." " Don't do that." " Come on." "Come on." "Barring a miracle, it looks like the favourite has won this race." "He's down!" "Future Proofs down!" "He's fallen, leaving a clear run now for the 50-1 outsider Atlantis Rising, who has taken the spoils." "Yeah!" "We did it, man!" "We did it!" "We did it." "We did it." "They're not gonna put that other horse to sleep, are they?" "No." "God, no, it's not the '60s." "They don't do that any more." "Come on, why don't we grab a drink while they count our cash?" "There we go." "Where's your luggage?" "You're an idiot." "The book says there are 31 essentials you should always have about you." "Money belt, passport, tickets, camera, bug spray, sun cream, flashlight, string, waterproof matches, lighter, tripod, life jacket, compass, maps, spare string, sleeping bag, ground sheet, bivouac, jerry can," "first-aid kit, loo roll, spade, strong string, camper stove, whistle, binoculars, sketch pad, water pills, galoshes and a personal flare." " Got any string?" " Yeah." "Got plenty, actually." "That's very funny." "Very good." "Fancy a tinny?" "A going-away present from Captain Crab." " That's nice." " When I say present..." " You nicked them." " I did." "No, I'll make one of my cocktails." "Not one of those things." " I thought you said you liked them." " Yeah, but they take ages." "So?" "By the time you've finished making that, I will already be drunk." "Care to make it interesting?" "Yeah, fiver." "OK." "Hey, look." "We're moving." "Cheers." "Alka Seltzer." "What's this for?" "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to France." "Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue en France." "Yes!" "Fuck you, England!" "They are good, actually." "I'm gonna have a little doze." " Where are we?" " Belgium." "Europe is our oyster." "Oysters!" "I need a bacon sandwich." "So, come on, where do you fancy?" "This is your holiday, buddy." "I'm just your wing man." "Then you are in for a treat." "This is 1,500 pages of pure fun." "Come on, girls, join us." "Hi, Melanie." "Oh, great." "We're having a really wonderful time, me and Bunny." "I wondered what you were..." "what you're up to." "Oh, wow!" "Who with?" "You know, I'm not really worried about it or..." "All right, well..." "I'll leave you with a wish of a great evening." "And..." "Bye." "Hang on!" "Bunny!" "I said hang on!" "What's your beef?" "It's our stop." "All right, I'm just finishing." "Oh, my God!" "Finished!" "This better be good." "From the early sandal to the latest hi-tech trainer, shoes have always been top of the world's agenda." "It's a big subject." "There's obviously a hell of a lot to get through in the next three or four hours, so let's start off with some of the basics." "What is a shoe?" "Well, it's a hot topic and no doubt that debate will rage on." "But I find it's best to take things one step at a time." "Cobblers." "Mind my language, but we are in the cobbler's workshop... what I like to call the heart and sole of the shoe museum." "All kinds of shoe are made here." "Now many different types can you name?" "Let's kick off with a couple." "Clogs, moccasins, brogues, deck shoes, loafers, winklepickers..." "Are you having fun?" "Yes." "You don't look like you're having fun." "Well, I am." "...rugby shoes, lacrosse shoes, ping-pong shoes..." " What do you want to do?" " Eat." "Fine." "There's a place downstairs where we can dine like 19th-century cobblers." "Why would I want to do that?" "So you can learn while you eat." "The only thing I want to learn is just how much bacon one man can shovel into his cake hole without falling into a coma." "Should've gone to Denmark." "Is a ski a shoe?" "Well, there are two camps - the "yes" camp, and the "probably not" camp." "It I'm such a dead weight, why not just go to Denmark without me?" "I'm not saying that." "This is your holiday, buddy." "I just think we need to chance our arms a bit." "Whatever you say." "Right, give me your map." "Now, this is where we're eating." "How about that?" "Welcome to Captain Crab." "He sails the seven seas so you don't have to." "We hope you enjoy your meal which may contain traces of nuts, soil and bone." "My name is Eloisa." "May I take your order, please?" "Yes, I'll have one Harbour Master's Delight one glass of prawns..." "Hello, Captain Crab." "Fuck you, Pawel, you son of a goat!" "You donkey fucker!" "You bald-faced fuck!" "I'm going to chop off your penis and put it in a sandwich." "Then I will make an omelette with your balls and feed it to you, so you know what your balls taste like in an omelette... which is shit!" "I hope your father dies of cancer and your mother explodes with a terrible period!" "...the deep- tried calamari and a cod shake." "And I'll just have the vegetarian option." "No, Pawel, I'm leaving." "I've spent two months working in your shitty restaurant, where the fish comes from a canal and the chef pisses in the vegetarian option." "And then you cheat on me!" "Fuck you, you bald, fucking stumpy-dick monkey!" "Sorry." "What was that?" "I'll just have a glass of tap water, please." "OK, let's go." "Ah, she just argued with her boyfriend." "This is Captain Crab, dude." "He has standards." "Whoa... that was prompt." "They make all the food on Monday and keep it warm." "You can't eat that." " Who says I can't?" " Look at it." "I don't want to look at it." "It I look at it, I will bottle it." "Look at it." "It's trying to move on your fork." "Look at it." "Oh, my God!" "I think it's trying to communicate with me." "I really think we should go." "Bunny!" "Whoa, hang on a minute." "These fellas look all right." "I'm not gonna watch you kill a crab." "I'm not gonna kill 'em." "I've got a better idea." "Trzy, dwa, jeden..." "Come on!" "Yeah!" "You should go talk to her." "What?" "She was looking at you." "No, I don't think that she was." "Well..." "Come on, you fucking lazy crustacean!" "Yeah, well, maybe I'll just get some air." "Oh!" "Sorry, sorry." "Excuse me." "Do you have a light?" "What?" "Do you have a light?" " Puego?" " Oh, yes." "Yes, I do, actually, as a matter of tact." "Yeah." "It you ever want any welding done..." "Welding?" "It's when you join bits of metal together." "Why would I want to do that?" "No, you wouldn't." "It was more about the..." "I was referring to the blowtorch." "It was a... joke." "It was very funny." "Can I borrow that?" "So... do you... go out after work?" "Is that the sort of thing you do?" "Are you going to go to a bar or anything?" " No." " Good." "Good." "I'm going back home to Spain for a fiesta." "Tonight?" "Yeah." "I don't know how I'm going to get there." "But I will." "Fiesta is wild." "People come from miles around to see the bullfighting." "And they go crazy." "They drink a lot, they dance a lot." "They make poo, they make wee." "They make love in the street." "Yeah." "It sounds awful." "Well... it's a good thing I didn't invite you along, then." "But I mean it sounds fascinating, anthropologically." "Oh, anthropologically, it's incredible." "Well..." "I'd better be going." "See you around." ""See you around"?" "You were gone for ages." "I thought you were getting your balls in." "What are you still doing here?" "You should be halfway to Spain by now." " What could I have done?" " Got a car, given her a lift." "How would I get a car?" "Leave that to me." " Bunny..." " Hush now!" "You're in disgrace." "Right!" "Which one of you tinpot Polacks wants to raise the stakes?" "Jedz." "I need fucking lemon!" "Lemon!" "Just one more." "Come on!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Who's your daddy?" "I didn't want a car." "You don't know what you want." "All right now." "Just be cool." " Hey." " Hey." " Fancy a lift?" " We thought we'd check out the fiesta." "Oh, I thought you didn't like wine or dancing or making love in the street." "We've had enough of the crabs." "We wanna bet on the bulls." "Yes." "OK." "Thanks." "All right, dude, relax." " Talk to her." "You'll be fine." " OK." "Just don't go into another long rant about the demise of the semicolon." "Right." "Girls don't like grammar chat." "You know that now." "Oh, and try and keep your lips moist." "You have a tendency to get very dry around the mouth area." "Do I?" "Try not to do that thing you do when you're nervous, when you clear your throat all the time." " What do you mean?" " You know." ""Hello, my name's Stephen."" "I don't do that." "You do do that, dude." "Sorry." "But whatever you do, don't go into the Friend Zone." "What's the Friend Zone?" "It's nothing to worry about." "Right..." "let's see what this baby can do." "Hey, dude." "Hey, dude." "Hey, dude." "Hey, dude." "What?" "Four o'clock, dude." "Nearly time for the big race." "Got a dead cert." "I've had too many of your dead certs." "I've won on horses, I've won on crabs." "What more do you want?" "Just nip down the bookies." "It'll only take you five minutes." "Unless you can't leave the house." "I can." "Go on, then." "I bet you." "All right." "Hey, dude." "You weren't gonna leave me out there, were you?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I love what you've done with the place, by the way." "Little tip for you." "I think what you need is more boxes tilled with random old shit." "It's important to stay organised." "I take it you're not entertaining much." "Not that women don't love boxes." "I mean, what is all this shit?" "Stamps, rubber bands drinking straws '95-'96." "Yeah, that was a vintage year for the old straw." " Please, Bunny, just leave them." " Oh!" " Captain Crab." "Bingo!" " Put it back!" "Please don't be a vegetarian option." "It's not food." "Oh, maps." "Oh, I remember these." "Jesus!" "I've just worked out that it all these bets come in," "I'm gonna win... £3.4 billion." "Are you fucking my face?" "I am not fucking your face." "Wow!" "Obviously they're all long shots, but I am feeling lucky today." "I think you will win." "Yeah?" "Why's that?" "Because yesterday a gypsy sold me a foot of a rabbit." "She said it will bring luck to me and all my friends." "Maybe you will win £1 billion." " Primo!" " Primo!" "A rabbit's foot." "Yeah." "They are very lucky." "Not for the rabbit." "What?" " Let it go, dude." " I said, not for the rabbit." "On account of the rabbit being killed and dismembered." "No, lucky for me." "I don't know about the rabbit." "Maybe he is OK." "Maybe he is happy." "A happy hoppy." " Dude..." " Just rabbits, or would any animal do - a dog, kangaroo, a cat..." "Cat?" "What are you, a silly bottom?" "Cats are very unlucky." "In Spain, it you step on a cat, you have to spit on him or it's very bad luck." "What?" "I did that yesterday." "What'll happen?" " You will die." " Die?" "We've gotta turn around." "I'm not turning around so you can spit on a cat." " I'm gonna die." " No-one's going to die." "Don't worry, I have the San Cristobal." "What?" "It you believe in St Christopher, you will not die." "It's stronger than a cat." "Oh, thank God." "No." "Oh, my fucking God." "Where is my St Christopher?" " Have you stolen him?" " Have you stolen her St Christopher?" " I haven't taken anything." " Pull over." "We have to find it!" "We need to find it." "I don't know it you are really aware what is happening here." "It we don't find my St Christopher, we're going to die!" " You have to pull over!" "Pull over, buddy!" " Stop the car!" "Stop this!" "Nobody's going to die of a cat!" "The only thing that's going to cause an accident is you two larking around!" "Sit down and shut up!" "I am not pulling over!" " Why are you pulling over, dude?" " Need some petrol." "Bit embarrassing after your little speech." "A quiet word, dude." "Why are you fucking this up?" "Fucking what up?" "So she's got a few lucky charms." "So what?" "Come on, man." "You finally meet someone you stand a chance with and what do you do?" "You crawl straight into the Friend Zone like a scared little guinea pig." "Listen." "I'm not interested." "OK?" "Even it I did like her, which I don't, I'm having a year off sex." "So just back off." "OK?" "All right." "Won't say another word." "All I'm saying is, we don't want another Melanie on our hands." "I'm not you, Bunny." "I don't have to fuck something every five minutes, like a dog with a bone." "OK." "Jesus." "I'm sorry." "He has gone." "I am not going to drive, very unlucky." "It's all right." "We don't need a St Christopher." "St Stephen will drive." "He's very safe." "Come on in." "Ah, you've got a lovely big bear." " Yes, I'm beating her tomorrow." " What for?" "For being a bad bear." "Really?" "No, you bloody idiot." "To get the dust off her." "Come through." "You three are upstairs." "I don't know who's doing what with whom, so I've given you three singles." " Night, dude." " Night-night." " Night." " Night." " Good night, baby." " Night." "Just a minute." "Hey, dude." "Hi." "Are you after Eloisa?" "No, no." "No, I just wondered it you needed any laundry done?" "Laundry?" "Yeah." "Good idea." "Hang on." "There she is." "Great." "Well, I'll just go and put a load on." "Oh, listen, dude." "You haven't got a johnny, have you?" "What for?" ""What for?"" "Oh, right." "Yes." "Yeah, I think me and Eloisa are about to... get it together." "Great." "Good." "Yep." "Well, I do, yes, as a matter of fact." "Great." "Cheers, buddy." "You haven't got any more, have you?" "Sure." "Thanks, man." "I don't wanna take the piss here, but..." " Why don't you just take the lot?" " Great." "Oh, that's brilliant." "What have you got all these for, dude?" "Oh, well, I just thought it you were bored... you might want to have a... water fight." "All right." "Come here." "That does me good." " Night, dude." " Night-night." "Oh, hey." "Maybe we could have that water fight tomorrow, yeah?" " Great." " Yeah." "It there's any johnnies left!" "There should be." "There should be." "Hi, Melanie." "Oh..." "Hi, Neil." "Sorry, Neil, I know I said I wouldn't call again, but is Melanie..." "Well, send her my... best." "Dude." "Dude, wake up." "What?" "Got you a present." "Come with me." "Come along, then, bear." "It's time for your beating." "Who are you?" "You gotta love the bear." "She's all yours, buddy." "Sign of our friendship." "But you stole it, Bunny." "It's fine." "People take shit from hotels all the time." "Lighten up." "Come on, dude." "Put your foot down." "The limit's 50." "Everyone knows you can get away with 10 per cent." "Is true." "You're right." "Let's all just do what we want." "Fuck." "I'm so sorry." "This is what happens when you don't have a St Christopher." "I know." "I'm sorry, really." "I just lost control." "You were going so slowly." "I know." "I think maybe I'm a little bit drunk." "Drunk?" " You're drinking and driving?" " No." "I mean, I had a few last night, but I'm sure I slept it off." " Drinking alone, dude?" " How sure?" " I'm pretty sure." " "Pretty sure"?" "Yes." "Pretty sure is not good enough, not for the police." " Oh, my God." "I'm going to prison." " You're not going to prison." "I'm going to prison." "I'll be raped." " No-one's going to be raped." " This is Switzerland!" " These people are Nazis." " They're not." "They were neutral." "Their neutrality was a charade." "Their banks are full of Jewish gold." "He's right." "He's fucked." "All right, so we might have a slight situation here." "Listen." "Bunny, will you please tell them that you were driving?" " No way, dude." " Why not?" " I'm hammered." " So you're drinking alone?" " Hey, I'm not driving." " What are we going to do?" " Listen, darling..." " Are you fucking my face?" " No, I'm..." " You are fucking my face!" "Well, maybe slightly, but we're in a bit of a pickle here." "Oh, OK." "So I was driving on ice, I skid, and I hit a tree." "Exactly." "Could happen to anyone." " Thank you so much." " OK, OK, OK." "But you'd better get out of here right now." "A woman alone they can believe, but not you two fucknuts." "Cheers, babe." "Listen, see it you can get the van fixed while you're in town." "And... if you pass a bookies, there's a horse running in the..." "OK." "Here." "Just... we're going." "See you in town, baby." "Hey!" "And take your fucking bear with you." "Why do you have to ruin everything?" " What the fuck did I do?" " I didn't need this!" "Everything was just where I wanted it." "We're finding loads of great stuff." "Look." " Here's all your old combs." " I'm not gonna do this any more." " Can I have them?" " Just leave me alone." "Hello." "Yes." "Hello!" "Please..." "Thank you." "I need five minutes." " We've got to leave the bear." " What?" "No way." "Then keep moving." "Eloisa will be in town by now." "Hello." "Hello." "We're trying to get to town." "Do you know anywhere we can get a taxi or a bus?" "Bus?" "No." "Or a taxi?" "Taxi?" "No." "Oh, Christ!" "I like." "Very beautiful." "Can I have?" "No, no." "Mrs Brown stays with us." "Come, come with me." "Food, shelter, good times." "Come." "Follow me." "Come along." "This right way." "Here we go." " I'm not sure about this." " Come on, it will be fine." "Welcome to my home." "Simple home." "Sorry for mess." "Take seat." "Not there!" "Over there." "In lounge." " Here." "Drink this." " Thank you." "Nice...warm milk." "It's delicious." "From dog." "You not like my milk?" "No, not at all." "It's just I'm more used to cow's milk." "This milk from cow." "This is Cow." "She has most productive teat of all my bitches." "Ah, great." "Now you." "You haven't got anything else, have you?" "You not like Cow?" "Not really, no." "Can of medium strength lager?" "Ah, yeah." "Great." "Thanks." " Cheers." " Cheers." "Good times!" "After I'd been sick a couple of times, I actually started to quite like that milk." " Not bad, these dogs." " It's getting late, though, man." "We ought to push off." "We're gonna have to say goodbye, Wooffles." "I see what is going on here." "Yeah." "All night I watch you." "Flirting." "What are you talking about?" "And now you want to fuck her, huh?" "Your dog?" "Shut your mouth, you tainted bitch!" "Honestly, I really don't want to sleep with her." "Then why you make explosion in your trouser?" "Dude." "Jesus." "I'm sorry." "It was cold, she was lying against me, I..." "I don't know." "You fuck my wife?" "I fuck your wife." "I haven't got a wife." "And who is this beautiful woman here?" "Hey." "You keep your hands off her." "Oh, big man, huh?" "Big curly man." "You gonna fight me for her?" "I'll bet you for her." "Bet?" "Yeah, you know, you got any playing cards?" "Dice?" "Couple of conkers?" "I don't play these games." "I am man - real man." "All right, then." "See that island over there?" "I bet I can swim to that island under the ice." "This is impossible." " No man can do this." " Well, we'll see." "And it I make it, we keep the bear." "It not you may do with her as you wish." "Just a quick word." "What the fuck are you doing?" "You can do this, can't you?" "Well, I don't know." "That's why it's a bet." "Deal?" "Deal." "Good strong arms." "Perhaps we will be fucking later." "She loves you." "That's nice." "Who am I to stand in the way of love?" "You would like to lie with her, yes?" "Maybe later." "She is warm and clean." "I clean her myself this morning." "How are you feeling?" "Your friend is dead." "Drowned." "I'm sorry." "It is you and I now." "There is nothing we can do for him." "Oh, man." "How about that?" "Keep going, we're nearly there." "Incredible!" "One man risking his life, all for the beauty of a bet." "Two." "Two men risked their lives." "Yeah." "I'm telling you, buddy, there's no way back from here." "I feel like I've finally become a man." "Real man!" "Oh, my God, she actually got that thing started." "Where the fuck have you two been?" "Are we going to this fiesta or not?" "Just a sec, baby." "Listen." "I won't be pissing around in the bookies any more." "I'm raising the stakes." "When we get to Spain," "I'm gonna fight a bull." "If you really want to be a toreador, you should talk to my brother." "Cos I remember, when we were growing up, all he would ever talk about was bullfighting." "Wow." "It sounds great." "He's technically retarded." "We're supposed to be having fun." "Bullfighting is fun." "There's plenty we can do that doesn't involve the slaughter of an animal." "You're so naive." "Name me one thing that could be halt as much fun as doing battle with an angry cow." " Fairground." " Fairground?" "I love fairgrounds." "There's one in the next town." " Cool." " We're not stopping for a fairground?" "Who said you get to decide where we stop?" "It you two want to go to a fairground, be my guest." "But count me out." "I'm serious about this, dude." "I'm in training." "For tomorrow, I shall fight a bull." "Olé!" "Come on, you'll like this." "OK." "What's going on?" "Don't worry, it's an old ride." "No, this is odd." "No, it's fine." "Listen, there's..." "OK, so this is a bit odd, actually." "What do we do?" "I don't know." "Have a drink?" "We might be a while." "You want?" "No, thanks, I've got my own." "What are those things?" "You should try one." "I don't know." "You'll like it." "It's very blue." "And very tasty." "So... you must be looking forward to going home." "Yes." "I never wanted to go travelling in the first place." "So why did you?" "It wasn't my idea." "It was Concita." "Who's Concita?" "OK, so one night in the fiesta, when I was 15," "I had lots of drinks, lots of trippies, and I was walking home alone." "And my shadow froze... like this." "So I said, "Hey, are you going to come with me or what?"" "And my shadow... does this." "And I do this." "She was like..." "I was like..." "We were like for three hours." "It wasn't as much fun as it sounds, actually, but." "This is Concita." "The first time I see her." "Right." "After this, I start to see her many times." "And she says that she knows everything - what places I should go, what men I should see..." "Everything." "And she took me to Poland." "But she's a hallucination." "No, Concita is real." "Concita is always with me." "Is she here now?" "No." "She doesn't like you." "She's on the dodgems." "What did I do?" "Nothing." "You're really nice." "But she sees you more like a..." "like a friend." "You know, like a brother... or a gaylord." "Right." "Does she like Bunny?" "Yes." "She loves Bunny." "She thinks he's... hot stuff." "Right." "Sometimes I think she has very bad taste in men." "Home time." "Here we go." "At last!" "Where the hell have you been?" "I've had to entertain your guests." " Food!" " I've told you, there is no food." " Bowl for dog!" " Top cupboard, there." " Bloody junkie!" " What's she doing here?" " She's a tigment of your imagination." " Figment?" " Yeah, we're all in his head." " I'm not." "I am real." "What do you think you're doing here?" "Holiday?" "Good times?" "Holiday?" "You think they'd let you through Customs looking like that?" "Where's he gone?" "Come on, dude." "We're having fun." "Come on, dude." "Let's hit the bars." "Stephen, come with us to the fiesta." "Yeah, I'm going to introduce you to my brother." "Paulo." "Hey, Javier!" "It's my beautiful sister!" "Look at you." "You look wonderful." "Do you think she looks sexy?" "Si." "How dare you?" "She's only 23." "Get the hell out of my bar, filthy pervert." "Que haces, Javier?" "A small amount for medicinal purposes." "Que no deberias beber." "Te lo dijo el doctor." "The doctor!" "Maybe I could get you a lime and soda." "Oh, yes, that would be very lovely." "Very refreshing on a hot day like today." "Which one of you is making the bulls and cows with my sister?" "That's me, matador." "It's been a long time since anyone called me this." "But it's true." "I once dreamed of becoming a great matador." "But... sadly..." "Ah... gored in the leg." "I tell back onto a coffee table." "Oh, right." "But you have fought bulls, yeah?" "Only you English call it fighting." "For us in Spain, it is a dance." "A dance?" "You see, when the matador enters the ring with the bull, there is a moment when everything disappears, and the bull looks up at the matador, and the matador looks down at the bull." "And the bull rises up onto his hind legs, grabs the matador close with his silver hooves, and for a moment they dance... in only the way a bull and a man can dance." "Yes, my friend." "It's not a fight." "It is a dance." "I thought the main attraction was the sight of a defenceless animal being stabbed repeatedly with a sword." "It is a peculiar dance, I'll give you this." "But it is a dance, nevertheless." "Let me show you something." "This belonged to Juan Belmonte, the greatest bullfighter who ever lived." "He tried to retire many times." "But he could not stop." "Even on his 69th birthday, he still wants to face the bulls." "He asks his friends to bring him one." "But they tear he will be killed and so they make excuses." "And they bring him a small one." "They say, "Juan, er..." "all the big bulls, they are sick."" "But he knows in his heart... his life as a torero is over." "So this night... he drinks three bottles of wine makes love with two womans takes a gun... and he shoots himself." "This is what it means to be a matador." "Wow." "Can I try it on?" "Maybe in ten years, when you have faced a thousand bulls." "Then you'll come back, I open the cabinet, and you can maybe touch... the hem of the inside pocket." "Will you teach me?" "No." "Nip flask of tequila?" "Meet me in the car park at midnight." "Because of the complicated techniques involved in bullfighting, it can take up to ten years to become a fully-trained matador." "Unfortunately, we only have ten minutes, as I have to pick up my auntie from the airport." "I know what you are thinking - we have no bull." "Well, think again." "Now, much has been written about the art of bullfighting" "But I can sum it up in one sentence." ""Get out of the way of the bull, you idiot!" "Otherwise he will rip open your anus, like it was a cheap Velcro wallet."" "I will now become the bull." "Like this!" "What are you doing?" "Use the cape!" "Fucking idiot!" "What are you, a child in a swimming pool?" "Cover his head!" "Eloisa!" "Eloisa, go and get your auntie." "She's at Terminal 4." "I've been wanting to say thank you for the St Christopher." "Yeah, I..." "I sort of guessed it wasn't from Bunny when he tried to put it in a slot machine." "Well... you're welcome." "Thank you." "So... where do you see this thing with Bunny going?" "Well..." "I don't think Bunny is the sort of person you really make plans with." "Yeah." "You know..." "Concita always said I should sleep with 12 people." "13 would be very bad luck." "And Pawel was number 12." "That's why I stayed in Poland, even when I found out that he was a... donkey-fucking prick." "But then..." "I start to think that maybe Concita's not right." "Maybe she is just scared of number 13." "Maybe I'm scared of number 13." "Maybe." "Anyway..." "I realise, once I get over number 13," "I can start looking again." "Bunny is a perfect number 13." "I should go and find Bunny." "OK." "Buenas noches." "Good night." "Hey." "Hey." "Put it back." "It you want to be a bullfighter, you've got to dress like one." "I'll put it back when I've done it." "You're not going to fight a bull, Bunny." "I most certainly am." "Why not?" "Because it's dangerous and cruel and insane." "I don't want to kill it." "I just want to have a little dance with it, yeah?" "It's not the bull I'm worried about." "OK?" "Why are you always beeting on about this?" "Just trying to stop you doing something that could get you seriously hurt." "No, you're not." "You've been boring my tits off since Switzerland." "You used to be fun." "What the hell happened to you?" "Yeah, well..." "There is something." "Finally." "Come on, then." "I'm in love with someone." "Yeah, I know." "Melanie." "No, not Melanie." "Someone else." "Right." "Yeah." "Oh, man." "I'm sorry, Stephen." "I guess it's a bit awkward." "I know." "I mean, I'm flattered." "What?" "I'll do snogsies for the wank bank, but I've got to draw the line at penetration." " That's so messy." " It's not you, Bunny!" "Oh, thank God!" "You're not just saying that?" "Not everyone wants to sleep with you, you know." "Or are you so profoundly..." " You know what?" "It doesn't matter." " No, go on." "You're on your high horse." "You may as well talk down to me while you're up there." "Can you name one thing you've ever done for anybody other than yourself?" "Yeah, loads." "Go on, then." "Not off the top of my head." "Thank you." "At least I do something." "At least I didn't spend three years mooning after some girl who isn't even that good in the sack." "What?" "Well, yeah." "You spent so long banging on about her, I thought I'd better give it a go." "Let me tell you, I was severely disappointed." "You're not missing out on anything there, buddy." "You're unbelievable." "Do you know what?" "I'm fucking sick of being patronised by you." "It I wanna borrow this suit, then I will, OK?" "It I wanna fight a bull, then I will." "And it some hombre's caught your eye, then just man up and fuck in." "No-one's gonna judge you here, dude." "This is Spain." "Let's all just do what we want, shall we?" "Deal." "Melanie?" "Hey, dude." "Nope you're cool with this." "Just doing what I want." "Sorry." "There was nothing I could do." "She just went for him." "Dirty girl!" "Hey, we both wanted to do this." "She real slut." "Chill out, dude." "Just do what you want." "Stephen." "Everything all right?" "Hang on." "I've got my foot caught in your panties." "Wow." "Nice penis." "Oh, thanks." "No, I mean it." "Good size, good weight." "It's much better than Bunny's." "Right... that's good to know." "What's your problem?" "I'd rather not think about him right now, at this particular juncture." "What?" "Let's just fuck, OK?" "OK." "Here goes." "Oh, Bunny." " Bunny!" " Right, that's it." "It's coming out." "Yeah, funny." "I'm just kidding." "Really, Stephen... this is nice." "Yeah?" "Yes." "Dude." "Dude!" "Dude." "So you finally got your balls in." "What?" "Oh, God." "Yeah, Bunny, look, I'm really sorry." "It just happened." "I didn't mean..." "Well, I did mean for it to happen, but I should've spoken to you..." "Hey, it's fine." "It's not as it she's my girlfriend." "Really?" "Yeah." "It's what we came here for, isn't it?" "Proud of you, man." "Thanks." "Hey... that's what friends are for, dude." "Bunny?" "Why is your face so close to mine?" "What you talking about?" "It's unnaturally close." "Yeah, this is what's wrong with the world, isn't it?" "A couple of buddies can't cuddle up together in the middle of the night without tongues wagging, people judging..." " Have you been drinking?" " Yes." "Look, Bunny, can you just get off me, please?" "Oh, my God." "Why are you naked?" "Yeah, I had a bit of bad luck." "What happened?" "Where's the suit?" "I can't lie to you, dude." "I lost it to a tat gypsy." "What?" "It wasn't my fault He cheated." "Well, I'm pretty sure he cheated." "Either that or he's just really good at cards." " You've got to get it back." " No dice, dude." "The fucker wouldn't let me keep my pants." "Technically that's not even part of the suit." "But you try reasoning with a big fat gypsy at 4am in the nuddy-nud." " It can't be done, dude." " Javier's gonna go mental." "I know." "I know he's gonna go mental." "That's why we've gotta get out of here before he wakes up." "Pack!" "I'm not going," "Bunny." "What?" "Sorry." "Come on, buddy." "You've gotta help me out here." "I'm staying." "You can't abandon me." "Look at me." "I need you." "I'm sorry." "At least give me some pants." "And buy me a train ticket." "Give me some pants, dude." "Give me some pants!" "Train is not for a couple of hours." "Sure I can't tempt you into one last little drinkie?" "I've got to go, Bunny." "I want to be there when she wakes up." "Explain what's happened." "Look, why don't I give her a call?" "Bunny, don't." "Seriously, I'll explain what happened." "I'll smooth things over." "It'll be fine." "Really." "Please." "OK." "Well..." "Have a good trip." "Yeah, you too." "I hope everything works out for you." " Si?" " Eloisa." "It's Bunny." "Listen, there's something I need to tell you." "About your brother's suit." "Hey." "What's up?" "I just spoke to Bunny." " He told me everything." " What?" "You can't abandon me." "I just spoke to Bunny." "I need you." "Hey, buddy." "What am I gonna do without you?" "I can't believe she flew off at you like that." "I fessed up and everything." "Guilt by association, I suppose." "I mean, there were a couple of things" "I could have been clearer on, in hindsight, but it was a very bad line." "You know, very crackly." "And I was very drunk." "Throw all that into the equation whole thing was a bit of a blur, to be honest." "The important thing is, we're back on the road." "Boys on the train." "Olive?" "Come on." "Feel like I'm hogging them here." "No?" "Come on." "Chin up, dude." "You'll be over her in no time." "I mean, honestly, hand on heart, can you even remember what she looks like?" "I know I can't." "And I was closer to her face a hell of a lot more often than you were." "Not to put too fine a point on it, but..." "We both know what I'm talking about." "There's no need to dwell on that at this stage." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Tell you what, we can go anywhere you want." "Anywhere you want." "No." "Listen to me, being insensitive." "I'll choose." "Let Bunny take charge for a change." "Here we go." "What is it you actually do, Bunny?" "You talk about me not doing anything, but what have you ever achieved?" "You go to Spain to fight a bull and what happens?" "You get pissed, fuck around in a car park, nick a suit, and then head out to play cards." " You want me to fight a bull?" " I don't..." " I'll fight a bull now." " It's not about the bull." "I thought you said it was dangerous and morally repugnant, but what the hell!" "There's bulls out there now." "Fields chock- full of them." "Let's go, amigo." "I don't..." "I don't want to do this any more." "You can't help it." "I want to go home." "Hey." "Stop." "There's one." "Got him." "This is fucking ridiculous." "Let's go back." "No, no." "I'm going to fight this bull." "I'm not going to save you, Bunny." "You won't have to." "Hey." "Toro!" "Have I missed anything?" "No." "Toro!" "Again." "Not long to go now, buddy." "Come on." "I'm sorry." "What for?" "I should have stopped you." "You couldn't have." "Anyway, it was a pretty good way to go." "Gored by a bull." "I mean, I had always hoped to be sucked out of an airlock or gunned down by some demented tan." "But..." "I'll take a bull." "It was a great bet." "You wanna do something for me?" "Go get laid!" "Have you any idea of the mileage you can get out of this?" ""Hi, my name's Stephen."" ""My best friend just died." "I don't know it I'll ever love again."" "Balls in, balls in, balls in." "Fun time!" "It you'd have been killed, I'd have shagged a thousand women by now." "I don't want to shag a thousand women." "I don't wanna shag any women." "Apart from Eloisa." "I haven't spoken to her in a year." "Last time she saw me, she kicked my arse, remember?" "You can talk her round." "I wouldn't even know what to say." "Just tell her that I died and you had a really tough time dealing with it, and... you hope that somehow she can find it in her heart to..." "Naughty, naughty, naughty." "At least give her a call." "Have a good trip." "You not coming?" "No." "I don't think that's the deal." "I'll miss you." "Listen..." "Will you do one last thing for me?" "Yeah, of course." "Bunny..." "What?" "Anything." "There's a horse running in the 5:05 at Epsom." "It's lost its last three races, but they just lowered his handicap." "He's blinkered for the first time." "The jockey's face is a real nightmare." " How much?" " Everything you've got." "Seriously." "Put the house on it." "It's a shoo-in." "Well, got to be at least worth a fiver." "OK." "Well... you ready?" "Yeah."