"Chapter One" "Once upon a time... in Nazi-occupied France" "1941" "(DISTANT RUMBLING)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Go back inside and shut the door." "Julie, get me some water for my wash up then get inside with your sisters." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Ready, Papa." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Thank you, my darling now you go inside with your sisters." "Don't run." "(MEN SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Is this the property of Perrier LaPadite?" "I am Perrier LaPadite." "It is a pleasure to meet you, Monsieur LaPadite I am Colonel Hans Landa of the SS." "What can I do for you?" "I was hoping you could invite me inside your home and we may have a discussion." "Certainly." "After you." "Colonel Landa, this is my family." "Colonel Hans Landa of the SS Mademoiselle at your service." "The rumors I have heard in the village about your family are all true." "Each one of your daughters is more lovely than the last." "Merci." "Please have a seat." "Suzanne, would you be so good as to get the Colonel some wine?" "But no." "Merci beaucoup, Monsieur LaPadite, but no wine." "This being a dairy farm, one would be safe in assuming you have milk?" "Oui." "Then milk is what I prefer." "Very well." "Julie, would you mind closing the window?" "Merci." "Monsieur, to both your family and your cows I say, "Bravo."" "Thank you." "Please join me at your table." "Very well." "Monsieur LaPadite what we have to discuss would be better discussed in private." "You'll notice I left my men outdoors." "If it wouldn't offend them, could you ask your lovely ladies to step outside?" "You are right." "Charlotte, would you take the girls outside?" "The Colonel and I need to have a few words." "Monsieur LaPadite I regret to inform you I've exhausted the extent of my French." "To continue to speak it so inadequately would only serve to embarrass me." "However, I've been led to believe you speak English quite well." "Yes." "Well, it just so happens, I do as well." "This being your house I ask your permission to switch to English for the remainder of the conversation." "By all means." "While I'm very familiar with you and your family," "I have no way of knowing if you are familiar with who I am." "Are you aware of my existence?" "Yes." "This is good." "Now, are you aware of the job I've been ordered to carry out in France?" "Yes." "Please tell me what you've heard." "I've heard that the Fϋhrer has put you in charge of rounding up the Jews left in France who are either hiding or passing for Gentile." "The Fϋhrer couldn't have said it better himself." "But the meaning of your visit, pleasant though it is, is mysterious to me." "The Germans looked through my house nine months ago for hiding Jews and found nothing." "I'm aware of that." "I've read the reports of this area." "But like any enterprise, when under new management, there is always a slight duplication of efforts," "most of it being a complete waste of time, but needs to be done nevertheless." "I just have a few questions, monsieur LaPadite." "If you can assist me with answers, my department can close the file on your family." "Now, before the occupation, there were four Jewish families in this area, all dairy farmers like yourself." "Doleracs, Rollins, the Loveitts and the Dreyfuses." "Is that correct?" "To my knowledge, those were the Jewish families among the dairy farmers." "Herr Colonel, would it disturb you if I smoked my pipe?" "(CHUCKLES) Please, monsieur LaPadite, this is your house, make yourself comfortable." "Now, according to these papers, all the Jewish families in this area have been accounted for except the Dreyfuses." "Somewhere in the last year it would appear they've vanished." "Which leads me to the conclusion that they've either made good their escape or someone is very successfully hiding them." "What have you heard about the Dreyfuses, monsieur LaPadite?" "Only rumors." "I love rumors!" "Facts could be so misleading, where rumors, true or false, are often revealing." "So, monsieur LaPadite, what rumors have you heard regarding the Dreyfuses?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Again, this is just a rumor, but we heard the Dreyfuses had made their way into Spain." "(MATCHSTICKS SCRAPING)" "So, the rumors you've heard have been of escape?" "(AGREES IN FRENCH)" "Yes." "Having never met the Dreyfuses, would you confirm for me the exact members of the household and their names?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "There were five of them." "The father, Jacob." "Wife, Miram." "And her brother, Bob." "How old is Bob?" "Thirty, 31 ." "Continue." "And the children," "Amos and Shosanna." "Ages of the children?" "(SIGHS)" "Amos was nine or 1 0." "And Shosanna?" "And Shosanna was" "1 8 or 1 9." "I'm not really sure." "Well, I guess that should do it." "(ZIPPER CLOSING)" "However, before I go, could I have another glass of your delicious milk?" "But of course." "Monsieur LaPadite, are you aware of the nickname the people of France have given me?" "(SIGHS)" "I have no interest in such things." "But you are aware of what they call me." "I'm aware." "What are you aware of?" "(THANKING IN FRENCH)" "That they call you "The Jew Hunter."" "Precisely." "I understand your trepidation in repeating it." "Heydrich apparently hates the moniker the good people of Prague have bestowed on him." "Actually, why he would hate the name "the Hangman" is baffling to me." "It would appear he has done everything in his power to earn it." "Now I, on the other hand, love my unofficial title precisely because I've earned it." "The feature that makes me such an effective hunter of the Jews is, as opposed to most German soldiers," "I can think like a Jew where they can only think like a German." "(CHUCKLING) More precisely, a German soldier." "Now, if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk." "But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat." "The Fϋhrer and Goebbels' propaganda have said pretty much the same thing." "But where our conclusions differ, is I don't consider the comparison an insult." "Consider for a moment the world a rat lives in." "It's a hostile world, indeed." "If a rat were to scamper through your front door, right now, would you greet it with hostility?" "I suppose I would." "Has a rat ever done anything to you to create this animosity you feel toward them?" "Rats spread disease." "They bite people." "Rats were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that's some time ago." "I propose to you any disease a rat could spread, a squirrel could equally carry." "Would you agree?" "(AGREES IN FRENCH)" "Yet, I assume you don't share the same animosity with squirrels" "that you do with rats, do you?" "No." "Yet, they're both rodents, are they not?" "And except for the tail, they even rather look alike, don't they?" "It's an interesting thought, Herr Colonel." "However interesting as the thought may be, it makes not one bit of difference to how you feel." "If a rat were to walk in here, right now, as I'm talking would you greet it with a saucer of your delicious milk?" "Probably not." "I didn't think so." "You don't like them." "You don't really know why you don't like them." "All you know is you find them repulsive." "Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews." "Where does the hawk look?" "He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar, he looks everywhere he would hide." "But there are so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide." "However, the reason the Fϋhrer has brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me." "Because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity." "May I smoke my pipe as well?" "Please, Herr Colonel, make yourself at home." "Now, my job dictates" "that I must have my men enter your home" "and conduct a thorough search before I can officially cross your family's name off my list." "And if there are any irregularities to be found, rest assured they will be." "That is unless you have something to tell me that makes the conducting of a search unnecessary." "I might add, also, that any information that makes the performance of my duty easier will not be met with punishment." "Actually, quite the contrary." "It will be met with reward." "And that reward will be, your family will cease to be harassed in any way by the German military during the rest of our occupation of your country." "You're sheltering enemies of the state, are you not?" "Yes." "You're sheltering them underneath your floorboards, aren't you?" "Yes." "Point out to me the areas where they're hiding." "Since I haven't heard any disturbance," "I assume, while they're listening, they don't speak English." "Yes." "I'm going to switch back to French now, and I want you to follow my masquerade." "Is that clear?" "(SNIFFLES)" "Yes." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Monsieur LaPadite I thank you for the milk and your hospitality." "I do believe our business here is done." "Ah, ladies." "I thank you for your time." "We shan't be bothering your family any longer." "So, Monsieur Mademoiselle." "I bid farewell to you and say adieu." "(SHUSHING)" "It's the girl." "(SOBBING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "(PANTING)" "Au revoir, Shosanna!" "Chapter Two" "INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS" "(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)" "ALDO:" "Ten-hut!" "My name is Lieutenant Aldo Raine." "And I'm putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers." "Eight Jewish American soldiers." "Now, you all might've heard rumors about the armada happening soon." "Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier." "We're going to be dropped into France dressed as civilians." "Once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhacking guerrilla army, we're going to be doing one thing and one thing only." "Killing Nazis." "I don't know about you all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross 5,000 miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fucking airplane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity." "Nazi ain't got no humanity." "They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hating, mass-murdering maniac and they need to be destroyed." "That's why any and every son of a bitch we find wearing a Nazi uniform, they're going to die." "Now, I'm the direct descendent of the mountain man Jim Bridger." "That means I got a little Indian in me." "And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance." "We will be cruel to the Germans." "And through our cruelty, they will know who we are." "And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us." "And the German won't be able to help themselves but imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels and the edge of our knives." "And the German will be sickened by us." "And the German will talk about us." "And the German will fear us." "And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us that they are tortured with." "Sound good?" "ALL:" "Yes, sir!" "Yes, sir!" "That's what I like to hear." "But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors." "When you join my command, you take on debit." "A debit you owe me, personally." "Each and every man under my command owes me 1 00 Nazi scalps." "And I want my scalps." "And all y'all will get me 1 00 Nazi scalps taken from the heads of 1 00 dead Nazis." "Or you will die trying!" "(SHOUTING IN GERMAN)" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "How much more of these Jew swine must I endure?" "They butcher my men like they were flies!" "Do you know the latest rumor they've conjured up in their fear-induced delirium?" "The one that beats my boys with a bat!" "The one they call "The Bear Jew" is a Golem!" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "My Fϋhrer, this is just soldiers' gossip." "No one really believes "The Bear Jew" is a Golem." "Why not?" "They seem to be able to elude capture like an apparition." "They seem to be able to appear and disappear at will." "You want to prove they're flesh and blood?" "Then bring them to me!" "I will hang them naked, by their heels, from the Eiffel Tower!" "And then throw their bodies in the sewers for the rats of Paris to feast!" "(INTERCOM BUZZING)" "Kliest!" "(KLIEST SPEAKING GERMAN ON INTERCOM)" "Yes, my Fϋhrer!" "I have an order I want relayed to all German soldiers stationed in France." "The Jew degenerate known as "The Bear Jew,"" "henceforth, is never to be referred to as The Bear Jew again." "(KLIEST SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Yes, my Fϋhrer!" "Do you still wish to see Private Butz?" "Who and what is a Private Butz?" "He's the soldier you wanted to see personally." "His squad was ambushed by Lt. Raine's Jews." "He was its only survivor." "Indeed, I do want to see him." "Thank you for reminding me." "Send him in." "(BUTZ speaking GERMAN)" "Sergeant Rachtmann, Ludwig and I were the only ones left alive after the ambush." "While one man guarded us, the rest removed the hair." "(BASTERDS LAUGHING)" "Hey, Hirschberg." "Send that Kraut sarge over." "HIRSCHBERG:" "You." "Go." "Sergeant Werner Rachtman." "Lieutenant Aldo Raine." "Pleased to meet you." "You know what "sit down" means, Werner?" "Yes." "Then sit down." "How is your English, Werner?" "Because if need be, we got a couple of fellows who can translate." "Wicki here, an Austrian-Jew, got the fuck out of Munich while the getting was good." "Became American, got drafted, come back to give y'all what for." "Another one up there you might be familiar with." "Sergeant Hugo Stiglitz." "Heard of him?" "Everybody in the German Army has heard of Hugo Stiglitz." "(BASTERDS LAUGHING)" "MALE NARRATOR:" "The reason for Hugo Stiglitz's celebrity among German soldiers is simple." "As a German-enIisted man, he killed 13 Gestapo officers." "Instead of putting him up against a wall, the High Command decided to send him back to Berlin to be made an example of." "Needless to say, once the Basterds heard about him, he never got there." "(GASPING)" "Sergeant Hugo Stiglitz?" "Lieutenant Aldo Raine." "These are the Basterds." "Ever heard of us?" "We just want to say we're a big fan of your work." "When it comes to killing Nazis," "(MAN GROANING)" "I think you show great talent." "And I pride myself for having an eye for that kind of talent." "But your status as a Nazi killer is still amateur." "We all come here to see if you want to go pro." "(BASTERDS LAUGHING)" "Can I assume you know who we are?" "You're Aldo the Apache." "(BASTERDS WHOOPING)" "Werner, if you heard of us, you probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-taking business." "We in the killing Nazi business, and, cousin, business is a-booming." "HIRSCHBERG:" "(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah." "Now, that leaves two ways we can play this out." "Either kill you or let you go." "Whether or not you're going to leave this ditch alive depends entirely on you." "Up the road a piece, there's an orchard." "Besides you, we know there's another Kraut patrol fucking around here somewhere." "If that patrol were to have any crack shots, that orchard would be a goddamn sniper's delight." "So if you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you got to show me on this here map where they are." "You got to tell me how many they are, and you got to tell me what kind of artillery they're carrying with them." "(SCOFFING)" "You can't expect me to divulge information that would put German lives in danger." "Well, now, Werner, that's where you're wrong, because that's exactly what I expect." "I need to know about Germans hiding in trees." "And you need to tell me." "And you need to tell me right now." "Now, just take that finger of yours and point out on this here map where this party is being held, how many is coming and what they brought to play with." "I respectfully refuse, sir." "(BAT TAPPING)" "Hear that?" "Yes." "That's Sergeant Donny Donowitz." "You might know him better by his nickname." "The Bear Jew." "Now, if you heard ofAldo the Apache, you got to have heard about The Bear Jew." "I heard of The Bear Jew." "What did you hear?" "Beats German soldiers with a club." "He bashes their brains in with a baseball bat, what he does." "And, Werner, I'm going to ask you one last goddamn time, and if you still respectfully refuse, I'm calling The Bear Jew over." "He's going to take that big bat of his, and he's going to beat your ass to death with it." "Now, take your Wiener-schnitzel-licking finger, and point out on this map what I want to know." "Fuck you." "And your Jew dogs." "(BASTERDS LAUGHING)" "(BASTERDS APPLAUDING)" "Actually, Werner, we're all tickled to hear you say that." "Quite frankly, watching Donny beat Nazis to death is the closest we ever get to going to the movies." "Donny!" "DONNY:" "Yeah?" "Got us a German here who wants to die for country." "Oblige him." "(BAT TAPPING)" "(CONTINUES TAPPING)" "(BASTERDS CHEERING)" "Did you get that for killing Jews?" "Bravery." "(BASTERDS EXCLAIMING)" "Yeah!" "BASTERD 1 :" "Oh, no!" "BASTERD 2:" "Oh, no!" "Donny!" "BASTERD:" "Yeah, Donny!" "About now I'd be shitting my pants if I was you." "(LAUGHING)" "Teddy Fucking Williams knocks it out of the park!" "Fenway Park is on its feet for Teddy Fucking Ballgame!" "He went yard on that one, on to fucking Lansdowne Street!" "You!" "Damn it, Hirschberg!" "Donny, bring that other one over here." "Alive!" "Get the fuck up!" "Batter up." "You're on deck!" "Two hits." "I hit you, you hit the ground." "English?" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "ALDO:" "Wicki." "Ask him if he wants to live." "(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Tell him to point out on this map the German position." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(BASTERDS LAUGHING)" "Ask him how many Germans." "(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Around about 1 2." "What kind of artillery?" "(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "How did you survive this ordeal?" "They let me go." "Now, when you report what happened here, you can't tell them you told us what you told us." "They'll shoot you." "They're going to want to know why you so special, we let you live." "So tell them, we let you live so you could spread the word through the ranks what's going to happen to every Nazi we find." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "You are not to tell anybody anything." "Not one word of detail!" "Your outfit was ambushed, and you got away!" "Not one word more!" "Yes, my Fϋhrer." "Did they mark you like they did the other survivors?" "Yes, my Fϋhrer." "Now that you've survived the war, when you get home, what you going to do?" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "I will hug my mother like I've never hugged her before." "WICKI:" "He's going to hug his mother." "(SNIFFS)" "Well, ain't that nice?" "Ask if he's going to take off his uniform." "(WICKI SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(BUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Not only shall I remove it, but I intend to burn it." "WICKI:" "He's going to burn it." "Yeah, that's what we thought." "We don't like that." "See, we like our Nazis in uniforms." "That way you can spot them." "Just like that." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "But you take off that uniform, ain't nobody going to know you's a Nazi." "And that don't sit well with us." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "So I'm going to give you a little something you can't take off." "You know, Lieutenant, you're getting pretty good at that." "You know how you get to Carnegie Hall, don't you?" "Practice." "Chapter Three" "GERMAN NIGHT IN PARIS 1 944" "JUNE" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "What starts tomorrow?" "A Max Linder festival." "(EXCLAIMS)" "I always preferred Linder to Chaplin." "Except Linder never made a film as good as "The Kid."" "The chase climax of "The Kid," superb." "I adore your cinema very much." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Merci." "Is it yours?" "Do I own it?" "Oui." "Oui." "How is it a girl as young as you owns a cinema?" "My aunt left it to me." "Merci for hosting a German night." "I don't have a choice but you're welcome." "I love the Riefenstahl mountain films especially Piz PaIϋ." "It's nice to see a French girl who's an admirer of Riefenstahl." ""Admire" would not really be the word I would use to describe my feelings towards Fräulein Riefenstahl." "But you do admire the director Pabst, don't you?" "That's why you include his name on the marquee when you didn't have to." "I'm French." "We respect directors in our country." "Even Germans." "Even Germans, oui." "Merci for your assistance, soldier." "Adieu." "You're not finished." "I'll finish in the morning." "May I ask your name?" "You wish to see my papers?" "(LAUGHS)" "Emmanuelle Mimieux." "That's a very pretty name." "Merci." "Are you finished with my papers?" "Mademoiselle, may I introduce myself Fredrick Zoller." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Well it's been a pleasure chatting with a fellow cinema lover." "Sweet dreams, mademoiselle." "Adieu." "(SIGHS)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Hello, mademoiselle." "May I join you?" "Look, Fredrick... (CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)" "You remember my name?" "Yes." "Look, you seem a pleasant enough fellow..." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Regardless, I want you to stop pestering me." "I apologize, mademoiselle I wasn't trying to be a pest." "I was simply trying to be friendly." "I don't wish to be your friend." "Why not?" "Don't act like an infant." "You know why." "I'm more than just a uniform." "Not to me." "If you are so desperate for a French girlfriend I suggest you try Vichy." "(EXHALES)" "(SPEAKS FRENCH)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(LAUGHING)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Who are you?" "I thought I was just a uniform." "You're not just a German soldier." "Are you somebody's son?" "Most German soldiers are somebody's son." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "You're a very lucky girl, catching a brave war hero." "No, no, no, no, the mademoiselle is not my girlfriend." "Can you write "Amour Babette"?" "(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "(OFFICER EXCLAIMS)" "(OFFICERS CHATTERING)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "So you're a war hero." "What did you do?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "I was alone in a bell tower in a walled off city." "It was myself and a thousand rounds of ammo, in a bird's nest against three hundred enemy soldiers." "What's a bird's nest?" "A bird's nest is what a sniper would call a bell tower." "It's a high structure, offering a three hundred and sixty degree view." "Very advantageous for marksmen." "How many did you kill?" "Sixty-eight." "The first day." "A hundred and fifty the second day." "(EXHALES)" "Thirty-two the third day." "On the fourth day they exited the city." "(CHUCKLES)" "Naturally, my war story received a lot of attention in Germany that's why they all recognize me." "They call me the German Sergeant York." "Maybe they'll make a film about your exploits." "(LAUGHS)" "Well, that's just what Joseph Goebbels thought." "So he did and called it "Nation's Pride."" "And they wanted me to play myself so I did." "Joseph thinks this movie will be proven to be his masterpiece." "And I will be the German Van Johnson." ""Nation's Pride" is about you?" ""Nation's Pride" is starring you?" "I know." "Comical?" "Well, good luck with your movie, Private." "I hope all goes well for Joseph and yourself." "(SAYING GOODBYE IN FRENCH)" "(DRIVER SPEAKING FRENCH)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Goodbye!" "Do you need help?" "No, it's okay." "If you need me, I'll be in the storage room." "Okay, my love." "(CAR APPROACHING)" "(BRAKES SCREECH)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Mademoiselle Mimieux?" "Yes?" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Is this your cinema?" "Yes." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Come down!" "Please." "I don't understand." "What have I done?" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "She wants to know what she's done." "Get your ass in that car." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "It's only the offspring of slaves that allows America to be competitive athletically." "American Olympic gold can be measured in Negro sweat." "(LAUGHING)" "(GOEBBELS LAUGHING)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Good, you came." "I wasn't sure whether or not you'd accept my invitation." "Invitation?" "(GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Is that the young lady in question, Fredrick?" "Yes, it is, Dr. Goebbels." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Emmanuelle, there is somebody I want you to meet." "Emmanuelle Mimieux, I'd like to introduce you to the minister of propaganda the leader of the entire German film industry and now that I'm an actor, my boss, Dr. Joseph Goebbels." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Your reputation precedes you, Fräulein Mimieux." "(FREDRICK LAUGHS)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "And normally, this is Herr Goebbels' French interpreter Mademoiselle Francesca Mondino." "Hello." "(PANTING)" "(BRAYING)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Hello." "And you've met the Major." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Actually, I didn't introduce myself." "Major Dieter Hellstrom of the Gestapo." "At your service, mademoiselle." "Please allow me have a seat, please." "Try the champagne, mademoiselle, it's quite good." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "I must say, Fräulein, I should be rather annoyed with you." "(TRANSLATING IN FRENCH)" "I arrive in France and I wish to have lunch with my star." "(TRANSLATING IN FRENCH)" "Little do I know he's become the toast of Paris." "And now he must find time for me." "(TRANSLATING IN FRENCH)" "People wait in line hours, days to see me." "For the Fϋhrer and Private Zoller, I wait." "So finally, I'm granted an audience with the young Private." "(TRANSLATOR SPEAKING FRENCH)" "And he spends the entire lunch speaking of you and your cinema." "So Fräulein Mimieux, let's get down to business." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Herr Minister Doctor Goebbels..." "I haven't informed her yet." "Unless the girl's a simpleton, I'm sure she's figured it out by now." "After all, she does operate a cinema." "Francesca, tell her." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "What they are trying to tell you, Emmanuelle, is Private Zoller has spent the last hour at lunch trying to convince Monsieur Goebbels to abandon previous plans for Private Zoller's film premiere and change the venue to your cinema." "(COUGHS)" "What?" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "I wanted to inform her." "Shit!" "I apologize, Private, of course you did." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "What's the issue?" "The Private wanted to inform the mademoiselle himself." "Nonsense!" "Until I ask my questions, he has nothing to inform." "Let the record state, I have not agreed to switch cinemas for my premiere." "Duly noted." "You have opera boxes?" "(TRANSLATOR SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Yes." "How many?" "Two." "(TRANSLATES IN GERMAN)" "More would be better." "(GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN)" "How many seats in your auditorium?" "Three hundred and fifty." "(TRANSLATING IN GERMAN)" "(SCOFFS)" "That's almost four hundred less than The Ritz." "But Dr. Goebbels that's not such a terrible thing." "You said yourself you didn't want to indulge every two-faced French bourgeois taking up space, currying favor." "With less seats, it makes the event more exclusive." "You're not trying to fill the house, they're fighting for seats." "Besides, to hell with the French." "This is a German night, a German event, a German celebration." "This night is for you, me for the German military, the high command their family and friends." "The only people who should be allowed in the room are people who will be moved by the exploits on the screen." "I see your public speaking has improved." "It appears I've created a monster." "(CHUCKLES)" "(LAUGHING)" "A strangely persuasive monster." "When the war is over, politics await." "Well, Private though it is true, I'm inclined to indulge you anything..." "I must watch a film in this young lady's cinema before I can say, yes or no." "So young lady, you are to close your cinema for a private screening tonight." "(TRANSLATING IN FRENCH)" "What German films do you have?" "Ah, Landa, you are here." "(FREDRICK SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Emmanuelle, this is Colonel Hans Landa of the SS." "He'll be running the security for the premiere." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Charmed, mademoiselle." "HANS:" "Au revoir, Shosanna!" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "And now I must get the Reich Minister to his next appointment." "Slave driver." "French slave driver." "(LAUGHING)" "(HANS SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Actually, in my role as security chief of this joyous" "German occasion, I'm afraid I must have a word with Mademoiselle Mimieux." "(FREDRICK SPEAKING GERMAN)" "What sort of discussion?" "(HANS SPEAKING GERMAN)" "That sounded suspiciously like a Private questioning the order of a Colonel." "Or am I just being sensitive?" "(FREDRICK SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Nothing could be further from the truth, Colonel." "Your authority is beyond question." "But your reputation does precede you." "Should Mademoiselle Mimieux or myself be concerned?" "(GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Hans, the boy means no harm he's simply smitten." "And he's correct." "Your reputation does precede you." "(HANS SPEAKING GERMAN)" "No need for concern, you two." "As security chief, I simply need to have a chat with the possible new venue's property owner." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Have you tried the strudel here?" "No, no." "It's not so terrible." "(CHUCKLES)" "So how is it the young Private and yourself came to be acquainted?" "Yes, two strudels." "One for myself and one for the mademoiselle." "For me a cup of espresso and for the mademoiselle a glass of milk." "So, mademoiselle, you were beginning to explain...?" "Up until a couple of days ago, I had no knowledge of Private Zoller or his exploits." "To me the Private was simply just a patron of my cinema." "We spoke a few times but- -Mademoiselle, let me interrupt you." "This is a simple formality." "No reason for you to feel anxious." "I apologize, I forgot to order the cream." "One moment." "Wait for the cream." "So, Emmanuelle." "May I call you Emmanuelle?" "Oui." "So, Emmanuelle explain to me how does it happen, that a young lady such as yourself, comes to own a cinema?" "After you." "Verdict?" "Like I said, not so terrible." "You were explaining the origin of your cinema ownership." "The cinema originally belonged to my aunt and uncle." "What are their names?" "Jean-Pierre and Ada Mimieux." "Where are they now?" "My uncle was killed during Blitzkrieg." "Pity." "Continue." "Aunt Ada passed away from fever last spring." "Regrettable." "It's come to my attention you have a Negro in your employ." "Is that true?" "Oui." "He is a Frenchman." "His name is Marcel." "He worked with my aunt and uncle since they opened the cinema." "He's the only other one who works with me." "Doing what?" "Projectionist." "Is he any good?" "The best." "Actually, one could see where that might be a good trade for them." "Can you operate the projectors?" "Of course I can." "Knowing the Reich Minister as I do..." "I'm quite positive he wouldn't want the success or failure of his illustrious evening dependent on the prowess of a Negro." "So if it comes to pass we hold this event at your venue talented no doubt, as your Negro may be you will operate the projectors." "Is that acceptable?" "Oui." "Cigarette?" "They are not French." "They are German." "I did have something else I wanted to ask you." "But right now, for the life of me, I can't remember what it is." "Oh, well, must not have been important." "'Til tonight." "(GASPING)" "(GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN)" "I must say, I appreciate the modesty of this cinema." "Your cinema has real respect, almost church like." "Not to say we couldn't spruce the place up a bit." "Maybe I'll go to the Louvre, pick up a few Greek nudes, and scatter them about the lobby." "(LAUGHS)" "So, Emmanuelle, how did you like "Lucky Kids"?" "(TRANSLATOR SPEAKING FRENCH)" "(SHOSANNA SPEAKING FRENCH)" "I quite like Lilian Harvey." "(GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Lilian Harvey!" "Never mention that name again in my presence!" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Hey what the fuck are we supposed to do?" "It looks like we're supposed to have a Nazi premiere." "Like I said, what the fuck are we supposed to do?" "Well, I need to talk with you about that." "I'm confused, what are we talking about?" "Filling the cinema with Nazis and burning it down to the ground." "I'm not talking about that." "You are talking about that." "No, we're talking about that, right now." "If we can keep this place from burning down by ourselves we can burn it down by ourselves?" "Oui, Shosanna, we could do that." "And with Madame Mimieux's 350 nitrate film print collection we wouldn't even need explosives would we?" "(SCOFFS)" "You mean we wouldn't need any more explosives?" "MALE NARRATOR:" "At that time, 35 millimeter nitrate film was so flammable that you couldn't even bring a reel onto a streetcar." "Hey, you can't bring those here on a public vehicle." "They're films, ain't they?" "Yes." "Then they're flammable." "Go on, hop off." "MALE NARRATOR:" "Because nitrate film burns three times faster than paper." "Shosanna has a collection of over 350 nitrate film prints." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "I am going to burn down the cinema on Nazi night." "And if I'm going to burn down the cinema which I am we both know, you're not going to let me do it by myself." "Because you love me." "And I love you." "And you're the only person on this earth I can trust." "But that's not all we're going to do." "Does the filmmaking equipment in the attic still work?" "I know the film camera does." "How about the sound recorder?" "Quite well, actually." "I recorded a new guitarist I met in a cafe last week." "It works superb." "Why do we need filmmaking equipment?" "Because Marcel, my sweet we're going to make a film." "Just for the Nazis." "Chapter Four" "OPERATION KINO" "(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)" "MAN:" "Right this way, Lieutenant." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Lieutenant Archie Hicox reporting, sir." "General Ed Fenech." "At ease, Hicox." "Drink?" "If you offer me a scotch and plain water, I could drink a scotch and plain water." "That-a-boy, Lieutenant." "Make it yourself like a good chap, will you?" "The bar is in the globe." "Something for yourself, sir?" "Whiskey." "Straight." "No junk in it." "It says here that you speak German fluently." "Like a Katzenjammer Kid." "And your occupation before the war?" "I'm a film critic." "List your accomplishments." "Well, sir, such as they are," "I write reviews and articles for a publication called films and filmmakers, and I've had two books published." "Impressive." "Don't be modest, Lieutenant." "What are their titles?" "The first book was called" "Art of the Eyes, the Heart and the Mind:" "A Study of German Cinema in the '20s." "And the second one was called Twenty-Four Frame da Vinci." "It's a sub textual film criticism study of the work of German director G.W. Pabst." "What should we drink to, sir?" "Well..." "Down with Hitler." "All the way down, sir." "Yes." "Are you familiar with German cinema under the Third Reich?" "Yes." "Obviously, I haven't seen any of the films made in the last three years," "but I'm familiar with it." "Explain it to me." "Pardon, sir?" "Well, this little escapade of ours requires a knowledge of the German film industry under the Third Reich." "Explain to me UFA under Goebbels." "Goebbels considers the films he's making to be the beginning of a new era in German cinema." "An alternative to what he considers the Jewish-German intellectual cinema of the '20s, and the Jewish-controlled dogma of Hollywood." "How's he doing?" "Frightfully sorry, sir." "Once again?" "You say he wants to take on the Jews at their own game." "Well, compared to, say, Louis B. Mayer," "how's he doing?" "Quite well, actually." "Since Goebbels has taken over, film attendance has steadily risen in Germany over the last eight years." "But Louis B. Mayer wouldn't be Goebbels' proper opposite number." "I believe Goebbels sees himself closer to David O. Selznick." "Brief him." "Lieutenant Hicox, at this point and time I'd like to brief you on Operation Kino." "Three days from now" "Joseph Goebbels is throwing a gala premiere of one of his new movies in Paris." "What film, sir?" "The motion picture is called Nation's Pride." "In attendance at this joyous Germatic occasion will be Goebbels, Göring, Bormann, and most of the German High Command including all high ranking officers of both the SS and the Gestapo, as well as luminaries of the Nazi propaganda film industry." "The master race at play?" "Basically, we have all our rotten eggs in one basket." "The objective of Operation Kino, blow up the basket." "And like the snows of yesteryear, gone from this earth." "Jolly good, sir." "An American Secret Service outfit that lives deep behind enemy lines will be your assist." "The Germans call them the Basterds." "The Basterds." "Never heard of them." "Whole point of the Secret Service, old boy, you not hearing of them." "But the Jerries have heard of them, because these Yanks have been them the devil." "You'll be dropped into France, about 24 kilometers outside of Paris." "The Basterds will be waiting for you." "First thing, you'll go to a little village called Nadine." "In Nadine, there's a tavern called La Louisiane." "There you'll rendezvous with our double agent." "She'll take it from there." "She's the one who is going to get you into the premiere." "It'll be you, her, and two German-born members of the Basterds." "She's also made all the other arrangements you're going to need." "How will I know her?" "I suspect that won't be too much trouble for you." "Your contact is Bridget von Hammersmark." "Bridget von Hammersmark?" "(CHUCKLING) The German movie star is working for England?" "Yes, for the last two years now." "One could even say that Operation Kino was her brainchild." "Indeed." "Got the gist?" "I think so, sir." "Paris when it sizzles." "The village of Nadine" "You didn't say the goddamn rendezvous is in a fucking basement." "I didn't know." "You said it was in a tavern." "It is a tavern." "Yeah, in a basement." "You know, fighting in a basement offers a lot of difficulties." "Number one being, you're fighting in a basement." "What if we go in there and she's not even there?" "We wait." "Don't worry." "She's a British spy." "She'll make the rendezvous." "Stiglitz, right?" "That's right, sir." "I hear you're pretty good with that." "You know, we're not looking for trouble right now." "Simply making contact with our agent." "Should be uneventful." "However, the off chance I'm wrong, things prove eventful," "I need to know we can all remain calm." "I don't look calm to you?" "(LAUGHS)" "Well, now that you put it like that, I guess you do." "This Jerry of yours, Stiglitz, not exactly the loquacious type, is he?" "Is that the kind of man you need?" "Loquacious type?" "Fair point, Lieutenant." "So you all get in trouble in there, what are we supposed to do?" "Make bets on how it all comes out?" "If we get into trouble, we can handle it." "But if trouble does happen, we need you to make damn sure no Germans, or French, for that matter, escape from that basement." "If Frau von Hammersmark's cover is compromised, the mission is kaput." "Speaking of Frau von Hammersmark, whose idea was it for the death-trap rendezvous?" "She chose the spot." "Isn't that just dandy?" "Look, she's not a military strategist." "She's just an actress." "You don't got to be Stonewall Jackson to know you don't want to fight in a basement." "She wasn't picking a place to fight." "She was picking a place isolated and without Germans." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "So, I'm male I'm a fictional, literary character from the past I'm American, and that's controversial." "No, it's not controversial at all." "The nationality of the author has nothing to do with the nationality of the character." "The character is the character." "Hamlet is not British." "He is Danish." "So yes, this character was born in America." "Well then." "(LAUGHING)" "Mathilda." "Schnapps?" "Schnapps?" "Schnapps..." "Schnapps..." "Schnapps." "(ORDERING IN GERMAN AND FRENCH)" "Five schnapps, please." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "If I had a wife would she be called a squaw?" "Yes!" "He's got it." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Three more questions!" "Is my blood brother Old Shatterhand?" "Yes!" "Did Karl May write me?" "Yes!" "So who are you?" "!" "I am "Winnetou," chief of the Apaches!" "Yes!" "That was good!" "That was good!" "That was good!" "Now down with the glasses!" "Cheers." "(MAN LAUGHING)" "(FEMALE SERGEANT SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Attention!" "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Hello, my lovelies." "Take a seat." "I will join you in moments." "I'm just saying goodbye to my five new friends here." "No hurry, Frau von Hammersmark." "Take your time." "Enjoy yourself." "We'll be just over here waiting." "(SPEAKING FRENCH AND GERMAN)" "Eric, my love." "Those are the friends I've been waiting for." "Please treat them to anything they like." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Frau von Hammersmark." "Your wish is my command." "Officers it would appear the drinks are on the fräulein." "What would you like?" "Whiskey." "Two whiskeys." "Three whiskeys." "Three whiskeys, very well." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "I wish you a wonderful evening." "Same to you." "I thank you." "Your card!" "Yes, you're right." "Let's see." "Genghis Khan!" "I would never have gotten that." "But of course you would have!" "Hello, darling." "How are you?" "So good to see you." "(PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN SOFTLY)" "I thought this place was supposed to have more French than Germans?" "Yes, normally that's true." "The Sergeant over there's wife just had a baby." "And his commanding officer gave him and his mates the night off to celebrate." "We should leave." "No." "We should stay." "For one drink at least." "I've been waiting for you in a bar." "(CORK POPPING)" "It would look strange if we left before we had a drink." "She's right." "Just be calm and enjoy your whiskey." "Mmm." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Mathilda... (SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "She would love to play the game." "(ALL CHEERING)" "I will translate...and protect." "Don't worry, pretty little thing." "If any of these wolves gets out of line, I'll kick their ass in." "Watch." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Rip off his nose." "Stop it!" "Schnapps, schnapps, take your schnapps in hand, comrades." "Before we go on playing we will drink." "We drink to our friend Wilhelm." "And his little boy Maximilian." "(ALL TOASTING IN GERMAN)" "To Max!" "To Max!" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "There's some new development." "The cinema venue has changed." "Why?" "No one knows but that should not be a real problem." "The cinema it's been changed to is considerably smaller than The Ritz." "So whatever explosives you brought for The Ritz should be doubly effective here." "Now the next piece of information is colossal." "Try not to overreact." "The Fϋhrer" "(STAMMERING)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN) ...I was just thinking could you sign an autograph to my son on his birthday?" "Of course." "I'd love to, Wilhelm." "This handsome Staff Sergeant just became a father today." "Congratulations." "(LAUGHING)" "Thank you." "Do you know the name of this progeny yet?" "I most certainly do, fräulein." "His name is Maximilian." "Maximilian, wonderful name." "Thank you, Lieutenant." "Nothing but the best for little Maximilian." "(THANKING IN GERMAN)" "Max may not know who you are now but he will." "I will show him all of your movies." "Good." "He will grow up with your films and this napkin on his wall." "I propose a toast to the greatest actress in Germany!" "There is no Dietrich!" "There is no Riefenstahl!" "Only Von Hammersmark!" "Cheers!" "Cheers!" "Cheers!" "Once again" "(EXHALING)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Frau Hammersmark, what brings you to France?" "None of your business!" "Staff Sergeant." "You might not have worn out your welcome with the fräulein with your drunken boorish behavior but you have worn out your welcome with me." "Might I remind you, Staff Sergeant, you are an enlisted man." "This is an officer's table!" "I suggest you stop pestering the fräulein and rejoin your table." "Excuse me, Captain, but your accent is very unusual." "Where are you from?" "You must be either completely drunk or mad to dare to speak to a superior officer with such impertinentness!" "Staff Sergeant." "I'm making you and you responsible for him." "I suggest you take hold of your friend or he'll spend Max's first birthday in jail for public drunkenness." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Might I inquire?" "(PHONOGRAPH CRACKLING)" "Like our young newly christened father here I, too, have an acute ear for accents." "And like him I, too, find yours odd." "From where do you hail, Captain?" "Major, this is highly --I wasn't speaking to you, Lieutenant Munich." "Or you either, Lieutenant Frankfurt." "I was speaking to Captain I-don't-know-what." "I was born in a village that rests in the shadow of the Piz Palϋ." "The mountain?" "Yes." "In that village, we all speak like this." "Have you seen the Riefenstahl film?" "Yes." "Then you saw me." "You remember the skiing torch scene?" "Yes." "In that scene was myself, my father, my sister and my two brothers." "My brother is so handsome the director Pabst, gave him a Close-Up." "Herr Major, if my word means anything I can vouch for everything the young captain has just said." "He does hail from the bottom of the Piz Palϋ." "He was in the film and his brother is far more handsome than he." "(LAUGHING)" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "You should rejoin your friends." "May I join you?" "By all means." "Wunderbar!" "So that's the source of your bizarre accent." "That's extraordinary." "What are you doing here?" "Aside from having a drink with the lovely fräulein?" "Well, that pleasure requires no explanation." "I mean in country." "You're obviously not stationed in France or I'd know who you are." "You know every German in France?" "Worth knowing." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Well, there lies the problem." "We never claimed to be worth knowing." "All levity aside, what are you doing in France?" "Attending Minister Goebbels' film premiere as the fräulein's escort." "You are the Fräulein Hammersmark's escort." "Someone has to carry her lighter." "(CHUCKLING)" "(LAUGHING)" "The captain is my date, but all three are my guests." "We are old friends who go back a long time." "(SIGHS)" "Actually, longer than an actress would care to admit." "Well, in that case let me raise my glass to the three luckiest men in the room." "I'll drink to that." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Queen Christina." "(HUMMING EXOTIC MELODY)" "Mata Hari." "I must say that game they're playing looks like a good bit of fun." "I didn't join them because you're quite right, Captain." "An officer should not fraternize with enlisted men." "But seeing as we are all officers and sophisticated lady friends of officers." "What say we play the game?" "Yes, great, one game." "Wunderbar." "Soldiers the cards." "Thank you." "So gentlemen the object of the game is to write the name of a famous person on your card." "Real or fictitious, doesn't matter." "For instance, you could write, Confucius or Doctor Fu Manchu." "Eric!" "More pens." "And they must be famous, not aunt Frida." "When you finish writing, put the card face down on the table." "And move it to the person on your right -Thanks." "the person to your left moves his card to you." "You pick up the card without looking at it lick the back and stick it on your forehead." "(ROCK music playing)" "(whip cracking)" "(GRUNTS)" "Write!" "Write." "(VON HAMMERSMARK LAUGHING)" "I'll start, give you the idea." "Am I German?" "No." "No." "Am I American?" "No." "No." "Wait a minute, he goes to " "Obviously, he wasn't born in America." "So..." "I visited America, aye?" "Yes." "Was this visit fortuitous?" "Not for you." "My native land, is it what one would call, exotic?" "(VON HAMMERSMARK AND HICOX SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Yes." "Yes." "That could be either a reference to the jungle or the Orient." "I'm going to let my first instinct take over and ask." "Am I from the jungle?" "Yes." "Yes." "Now gentlemen, around this time you could ask whether you're real or fictitious." "I, however, think that's too easy, so I won't ask that yet." "Okay my native land is the jungle I visited America but my visit was not fortuitous to me but the implication is that it was to somebody else." "When I went from the jungle to America did I go by boat?" "Yes." "Yes." "Did I go against my will?" "Yes." "Yes." "On this boat ride, was I in chains?" "Yes." "When I arrived in America, was I displayed in chains?" "Yes." "Yes." "Am I the story of the Negro in America?" "(HICOX SPEAKING GERMAN)" "No." "Well then I must be King Kong." "(LAUGHING)" "Bravo!" "Impressive." "Now, since I answered correctly, you all need to finish your drinks." "Cheers." "Now, who is next?" "Well, Major I don't mean to be rude." "But the four of us are very good friends." "And we haven't seen each other in quite a while." "So, Major I am afraid you are intruding." "I beg to differ, Captain." "It's only if the fräuIein considers my presence an intrusion that I become an intruder." "How about it, Fräulein von Hammersmark?" "Am I intruding?" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "I didn't think so." "It's simply the captain is immune to my charms." "(LAUGHING)" "I am just joking." "Just joking." "Of course I'm intruding." "Allow me to refill your glasses, gentlemen, and I will bid you and the fräulein adieu." "Eric has a bottle of thirty-three-year-old whiskey." "From the Scottish Highlands." "What do you say, gentlemen?" "You're most gracious, Major." "Eric!" "The thirty-three." "And new glasses!" "You don't want to contaminate the thirty-three with the swill you were drinking." "How many glasses?" "Five." "Not for me." "I like scotch, scotch doesn't like me." "Nor I. I'll stay with bubbly." "Three glasses." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(EXHALES)" "(ERIC SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Frau von Hammersmark." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Thank you." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "A thousand year German Reich!" "A thousand year Reich!" "A thousand year Reich!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "I must say I grow weary of these monkeyshines." "Did you hear that?" "That was the sound of my Walther." "Pointed right at your testicles." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Why do you have your Walther pointed at my testicles?" "Because you've just given yourself away, Captain." "You're no more German than that scotch." "(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Well, Major." "Shut up slut." "You were saying?" "I was saying that makes two of us." "I've had a gun pointed at your balls since you sat down." "That makes three of us." "And at this range, I'm a real Fredrick Zoller." "Looks like we have a bit of a sticky situation here." "What's going to happen, Major you're going to stand up and walk out that door with us." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "I don't think so." "I'm afraid you and I we both know, Captain no matter what happens to anybody else in this room the two of us aren't going anywhere." "Too bad about Sergeant Wilhelm and his famous friends." "If any of you expect to live, you'll have to shoot them too." "Looks like little Max will grow up an orphan." "How sad." "Well, if this is it, old boy," "I hope you don't mind if I go out speaking the King's." "By all means, Captain." "There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good Scotch." "Seeing as I may be rapping on the door momentarily," "I must say, damn good stuff, sir." "Now, about this pickle we find ourselves in." "It would appear there's only one thing left for you to do." "And what would that be?" "Stiglitz." "Say auf Wiedersehen to your Nazi balls." "(SCREAMING)" "(PANTING)" "(DOOR OPENING)" "(GUN COCKING)" "You outside." "Who are you?" "British?" "American?" "What?" "ALDO:" "We're American." "What are you?" "I'm a German, you idiot." "ALDO:" "Speak English pretty good for a German." "I agree." "So let's talk." "ALDO:" "Okay, talk." "I'm a father." "My baby was born today." "In Frankfurt." "Five hours ago." "His name is Max." "We were in here drinking, celebrating." "They're the ones that came in shooting and killing." "It's not my fault!" "ALDO:" "Okay!" "It wasn't your fault." "What's your name, soldier?" "Wilhelm." "Now, is there anybody alive on our side?" "No." "I'm alive!" "(SHOUTING IN GERMAN)" "ALDO:" "Who's that?" "(GRUNTS)" "Is the girl on your side?" "ALDO:" "Which girl?" "Who do you think?" "Von Hammersmark." "ALDO:" "Yeah, she's ours." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "ALDO:" "Is she okay?" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "ALDO:" "Wilhelm!" "(SHOUTING IN GERMAN)" "She's been shot." "But she's alive." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "ALDO:" "Okay, Wilhelm." "What do you say we make us a deal?" "What's your name?" "Aldo." "Okay, Wilhelm, here's my deal." "You let me and one of my men come down there and take the girl away." "No guns." "No guns me, no guns you." "And we take the girl and leave." "It's that simple, Willi." "You go your way, we go ours." "And little Max gets to grow up playing catch with his daddy." "So what do you say, Willi?" "We got us a deal?" "Aldo." "ALDO:" "I'm here, Willi." "I want to trust you." "But..." "But how can I?" "ALDO:" "What choice you got, son?" "Okay, okay." "Aldo," "I'm going to trust you." "Come down." "(SNIFFLES)" "Hey, Willi, what's with the machine gun?" "I thought we had us a deal?" "We still have a deal." "Now, get the girl and go." "Not so fast." "We only got a deal, we trust each other." "And a Mexican standoff ain't trust." "You need guns on me for it to be a Mexican standoff." "You got guns on us." "You decide to shoot, we're dead." "Up top, they got grenades." "They drop them down here, you're dead." "That's a Mexican standoff, and that was not the deal." "No trust, no deal." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "All right, Aldo." "Fine." "Just take that fucking traitor, and get her out of my sight." "(BOTTLES CLATTERING)" "(VON HAMMERSMARK GROANING)" "Not so goddamn fast, doc." "Tell him to go play with his dogs." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "(DOGS BARKING)" "Before we yank that slug out you, you need to answer a few questions." "Few questions about what?" "About I got three men dead back there." "Why don't you try telling us what the fuck happened?" "The British officer blew his German act and the Gestapo major saw it." "Before we get into who shot John, why'd you invite my men to a rendezvous in a basement with a bunch of Nazis?" "I can see since you didn't see what happened inside, that the Nazis being there must look odd." "Yeah, we got a word for that kind of odd in English." "It's called suspicious." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Everybody needs to calm down." "You're letting your imagination get the better of you." "You met the sergeant yourself." "Willi." "You remember him, don't you?" "Yeah, I remember him." "His wife had a baby tonight." "He had just become a..." "He had just become a father!" "His commanding officer gave him and his mates the night off to celebrate." "(GROANS)" "The Germans being there was either a trap set by me or a tragic coincidence." "It couldn't be both." "(GRUNTING)" "How'd the shooting start?" "The Englishman gave himself away." "How'd he do that?" "He ordered three glasses." "We order three glasses." "That's the German three." "The other looks odd." "Germans would and did notice it." "(VON HAMMERSMARK BREATHING DEEPLY)" "Okay, let's pretend there were no Germans and everything went exactly the way it was supposed to." "What was the next step?" "Tuxedos." "To get them into the premiere wearing military uniforms with all the military there would've been suicide." "But going as members of the German film industry, they wear tuxedos and fit in with everybody else." "I arranged for the tailor to fit three tuxedos tonight." "How'd you intend to get them in that premiere?" "Hand me my purse." "Lieutenant Hicox was going as my escort." "The other two were going as a German cameraman and his assistant." "You still get us in that premiere?" "You speak German better than your friends?" "No." "Have I been shot?" "Yes!" "I don't see me tripping the light fantastique up a red carpet anytime soon." "Least of all, by tomorrow night." "(DOGS BARKING)" "However, there's something you don't know." "There've been two recent developments regarding Operation Kino." "One, the venue has been changed from The Ritz to a much smaller venue." "Enormous change at the last minute?" "That's not very Germatic." "Why the hell is Goebbels doing stuff so damn peculiar?" "It probably has something to do with the second development." "Which is?" "DerFϋhrer is attending the premiere." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "I've been rethinking my position in regards to your Paris premiere of "Nation's Pride."" "As the weeks have gone on and the Americans are on the beach I do find myself thinking more and more about this Private Zoller." "This boy has done something tremendous for us." "And I'm beginning to think my participation in this event could be meaningful." "Fuck a duck!" "What are you thinking?" "I'm thinking getting a whack at planting old Uncle Adolf makes this horse a different color." "What is that supposed to mean?" "It means you getting us in that premiere." "I'm probably going to end up losing this leg." "Bye-bye, acting career." "Fun while it lasted." "How do you expect me to walk the red carpet?" "(SNORTS)" "Doggy doc's going to dig that slug out your gam." "He's going to wrap it up in a cast, and you got a good how-I-broke-my-leg-mountain-climbing story." "That's German, ain't it?" "You all like climbing mountains, don't you?" "I don't." "I like smoking, drinking and ordering in restaurants." "But I see your point." "We fill you up with morphine till it's coming out your ears and just limp your little ass up that rouge carpet." "I know this is a silly question before I ask it, but can you Americans speak any other language than English?" "We both speak a little Italian." "With an atrocious accent, no doubt." "But that doesn't exactly kill us in the crib." "Germans don't have a good ear for Italian." "So you mumble Italian and brazen through it." "Is that the plan?" "That's about it." "That sounds good." "It sounds like shit." "What else are we going to do?" "Go home?" "No, that sounds good." "If you don't blow it, with that, I can get you in the building." "Who does what?" "Well, I speak the most Italian, so I'll be your escort." "Donowitz speaks second most, so he'll be your Italian cameraman." "Omar, third most." "He'll be Donny's assistant." "I don't speak Italian." "Like I said, third best." "Just keep your fucking mouth shut." "In fact, why don't you start practicing right now?" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(CHUCKLES)" "You've moved up in the world." "Look at you, Lieutenant First Class." "And with your record of insubordination." "Truly remarkable." "And that one's name is Wilhelm Wicki." "He's an Austrian-born Jew, who immigrated to the United States when things began turning sour for the Israelites." "They are the two German-born members of the Basterds." "They've been known to don German uniforms, to ambush squads." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "What brings you all the way out here?" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "But that doesn't look like this." "This is odd." "It would appear somebody's missing." "Somebody fashionable." "Everybody out!" "(MOTORCYCLE ENGINES STARTING)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" ""To Max, with love."" "Bridget von Hammersmark." "(KISSES)" "(dramatic ROCK music playing)" "Chapter Five" "REVENGE OF THE GIANT FACE" "Night of "NATION'S PRIDE" premiere" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Remember...in English." "Yes." "Action." "But how do we get it developed?" "Only a suicidal idiot like us would develop that footage." "And suppose someone would develop the footage how do we get a 35mm print with a soundtrack?" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "We find somebody who can develop and process a 35mm print with a soundtrack." "And we make them do it or we kill them." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Bring that fucker over here!" "Put his head down on that table." "You either do what the fuck we tell you or I'll bury this ax in your collaborating skull." "(MAN SPEAKING FRENCH)" "I'm not a collaborator." "Marcel, do his wife and children know you?" "Yes." "Then after we kill this dog for the Germans we'll go and silence them." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Jannings, come on, show the ring." "Come on, come on." "There you go!" "Fredrick, have a look at it." "This is the highest artistic honor that I give." "Herr Doctor, I'm also feeling very honored." "You deserve it, my dear Jannings!" "But I believe after the premiere today, we have a new candidate." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Ah, Emmanuelle I'd like you to meet the greatest actor in the world Emil Jannings." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Mademoiselle, I'm pleased to meet you." "You have a beautiful cinema." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Thank you, Hermann." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Fräulein von Hammersmark." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Colonel Landa, it's been years." "Dashing as ever, I see." "So what's happened to your lovely leg?" "A by-product of kicking ass in the German cinema, no doubt." "Save your flattery, you old dog." "I know too many of your former conquests to fall into that honey pot." "Seriously, what happened?" "Well, I tried my hand, foolishly I might add at mountain climbing." "(LAUGHING)" "And this is the result." "Mountain climbing?" "That's how you injured your leg -mountain climbing?" "Believe it or not, yes it is." "(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)" "Forgive me, fräulein." "I don't mean to laugh at your misfortune." "It's just --- mountain climbing?" "I'm curious, fräulein, what could have ever compelled you to undertake such a foolhardy endeavor?" "Well, I shan't be doing it again, I can tell you that." "That cast looks as fresh as my old Uncle Gustav." "When were you climbing this mountain, last night?" "Very good eye, Colonel." "It happened yesterday morning." "And where in Paris is this mountain?" "No, I'm just teasing you, fräulein." "You know me, I tease rough." "So, who are your three handsome escorts?" "I'm afraid neither three speak a word of German." "They're friends of mine from Italy." "This is a wonderful Italian stuntman, Enzo Gorlomi." "A very talented cameraman, Antonio Margheriti." "And Antonio's camera assistant Dominick Decocco." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "Gentlemen, this is an old friend, Colonel Hans Landa of the SS." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "Hello." "Gentlemen, it's a pleasure the friends of our cherished star, admired by all of us, this outright jewel of our culture are naturally going to be under my personal protection for the duration of their stay." "Thank you." "Gorlomi?" "Am I saying it correctly?" "Yes - 'er, correct." "Gorlomi?" "Say it for me once please...?" "Gorlomi." "I'm sorry, again...?" "Gorlomi." "Once more...?" "(SOFTLY) Gorlomi." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "What's your name again...?" "Antonio Margheriti." "Again...?" "Margheriti." "One more time, but let me really hear the music in it!" "Margheriti." "HANS:" "Margheriti." "And you...?" "Dominick Decocco." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "Dominick Decocco." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Well, my two cameraman friends need to find their seats." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "Let me see your tickets." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "I suppose you getting premiere tickets for your friends wouldn't be the most difficult thing for a star of your status." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN) 0023 and 0024." "That shouldn't be too difficult to find, goodbye." "(ALL SAYING GOODBYE IN ITALIAN)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Ooh la la, Danielle Darrieux." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "I have to go down and socialize with these Hun pigs." "Let's go over it again." "Reel one is on the first projector." "Reel two is on the second." "The third one is on the spool." "And the fourth one is ready to go." "Okay, the big sniper battle in the film begins around the middle of the third reel." "Our film comes in on the fourth reel." "Somewhere towards the end of the third reel go down and lock the doors of the auditorium." "Then take your place behind the screen and wait for my cue." "Then burn it down." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Take your seats." "The show is about to begin." "Everybody, please take your seats." "The show is about to begin." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "We'll see you later." "(HANS SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Not so fast." "A glass of champagne to toast "Nation's Pride."" "(TOASTING)" "My fräulein, may I have a word with you in private?" "Certainly." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "Excuse us." "(USHER CONTINUES ANNOUNCING IN GERMAN)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Have a seat, my fräulein." "May I?" "Mademoiselle Mimieux allowed me to set up camp in her office for the time being." "Let me see your foot." "I beg your pardon?" "Put your foot in my lap." "Hans, you embarrass me." "(GASPS SOFTLY)" "Could you please reach into the right pocket of my coat and give me what you find in there." "May I?" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "What's that American expression?" ""If the shoe fits, you must wear it."" "(CHUCKLES)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "What now, Colonel?" "(HANS EXCLAIMING)" "(VON HAMMERSMARK GRUNTING)" "(VON HAMMERSMARK SIGHS)" "(HANS PANTING)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "The guy in the white smoking jacket." "ALDO:" "Fucking shithead." "Faggot fuck." "Fuck you!" "Bunch of shithead fuck." "Fuck you, too!" "Goddamn Nazi farts, sons of bitches!" "Get your hands off me." "You fucking bratwurst-smelling..." "God damn you!" "Get off!" "Hmm." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Clever." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "I informed the Fϋhrer that the audience has taken their seats." "He should arrive any minute." "Thank you, Hans." "ALDO:" "You Jerry-banging, Limburg-smelling... (SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Let go." "As Stanley said to Livingstone, Lieutenant Aldo Raine, I presume?" "Hans Landa." "(TRUCK ENGINE STARTING)" "You've had a nice long run, Aldo." "Alas, you're now in the hands of the SS." "My hands to be exact." "And they've been waiting a long time to touch you." "Caught you flinching." "ALDO:" "Touch me again, Kraut-burger." "ALDO:" "Utivich?" "UTIVICH:" "Is that you, Lieutenant?" "ALDO:" "Yeah." "UTIVICH:" "Do you know what happened to Donny?" "Omar?" "The woman?" "ALDO:" "No, I do not." "Tell me, Aldo, if I were sitting where you're sitting, would you show me mercy?" "Nope." "What is that English expression about shoes and feet?" ""Looks like the shoe is on the other foot." Yeah, I was just thinking that." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "You may leave us." "But stay alert outside." "So you're Aldo the Apache." "So you're The Jew Hunter." "I'm a detective." "A damn good detective." "Finding people is my specialty, so naturally, I worked for the Nazis finding people." "And, yes, some of them were Jews." "But Jew Hunter?" "(SNORTS)" "Just a name that stuck." "Well, you do have to admit, it is catchy." "Do you control the nicknames your enemies bestow on you?" "Aldo the Apache and the Little Man?" "What do you mean the Little Man?" "Germans' nickname for you." "The Germans' nickname for me is the Little Man?" "And as if to make my point, I'm a little surprised how tall you were in real life." "I mean, you're a little fellow, but not circus-midget little, as your reputation would suggest." "Where's my men?" "Where's Bridget von Hammersmark?" "Well, let's just say, she got what she deserved." "And when you purchase friends like Bridget von Hammersmark, you get what you pay for." "Now as far as your paesanos, Sergeant Donowitz and Private Omar..." "How you know our names?" "Lieutenant Aldo, if you don't think I wouldn't interrogate every single one of your swastika-marked survivors," "we simply aren't operating on the level of mutual respect I assumed." "No, I guess not." "Well, back to the whereabouts of your two Italian saboteurs." "As of this moment, both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in the very seats we left them in." "Double-zero 23 and double-zero 24, if my memory serves." "Explosives still around their ankles, still ready to explode." "And your mission, some would call a terrorist plot, as of this moment, is still a go." "That's a pretty exciting story." "What's next?" "EIiza on Ice?" "However, all I have to do is pick up this phone right here, inform the cinema, and your plan is kaput." "If they're still here, and if they're still alive, and that's one big if, there ain't no way you're going to take them boys without setting off them bombs." "I have no doubt." "And, yes, some Germans will die." "Yes, it will ruin the evening." "And, yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night." "But you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels, you won't get Göring, and you won't get Bormann." "And you need all four to end the war." "But if I don't pick up this phone right here, you may very well get all four." "And if you get all four, you end the war tonight." "So, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight." "So, the way I see it, since Hitler's death or possible rescue rests solely on my reaction, if I do nothing, it's as if I'm causing his death even more than yourselves." "Wouldn't you agree?" "I guess so." "How about you, Utivich?" "I guess so, too." "Gentlemen, I have no intention of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels and killing Göring and killing Bormann, not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies, only later to find myself standing before a Jewish tribunal." "If you want to win the war tonight, we have to make a deal." "What kind of deal?" "The kind you wouldn't have the authority to make." "However, I'm sure this mission of yours has a commanding officer." "A general." "I'm betting for..." "OSS would be my guess." "(EXCLAIMS)" "That's a bingo!" "Is that the way you say it? "That's a bingo."" "You just say, "Bingo."" "Bingo!" "How fun." "But I digress." "Where were we?" "Yeah!" "Make a deal." "Over there is a very capable two-way radio and sitting behind it is a more than capable radio operator named Hermann." "Get me someone on the other end of that radio with the power of the pen to authorize my, let's call it, the terms of my conditional surrender." "If that tastes better going down." "You know, where I'm from..." "Yeah?" "Where is that exactly?" "Maynardville, Tennessee." "I've done my share of bootlegging." "Up there, if you engage in what the federal government calls illegal activity, but what we call just a man trying to make a living for his family selling moonshine liquor, it behooves oneself to keep his wits." "Long story short, we hear a story too good to be true, it ain't." "Sitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing, and 999.999 times out of a million, you would be correct." "But in the pages of history, every once in a while, fate reaches out and extends its hand." "What shall the history books read?" "(PEOPLE ON film shouting)" "(GUNFlRE)" "(speaking GERMAN)" "(screaming)" "MAN:" "I implore you." "We must destroy that tower." "Sarge, that tower..." "MAN:" "The tower stands!" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Gum?" "Psst!" "Psst!" "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "It's time." "I should go lock the auditorium and take my place behind the screen." "(GUNFlRE)" "(PEOPLE cheering)" "HANS:" "So when the military history of this night is written, it will be recorded that I was part of Operation Kino from the very beginning as a double agent." "Anything I've done in my guise as an SS Colonel was sanctioned by the OSS as a necessary evil to establish my cover with the Germans." "And it was my placement of Lieutenant Raine's dynamite in Hitler and Goebbels' opera box that assured their demise." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "I informed the Fϋhrer that the audience has taken their seats." "He should arrive any minute." "Thank you, Hans." "By the way, that last part is actually true." "I want my full military pension and benefits under my proper rank." "I want to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor for my invaluable assistance in the toppling of the Third Reich." "In fact, I want all the members of Operation Kino to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor." "Full citizenship for myself." "Well, that goes without saying." "And I would like the United States ofAmerica to purchase property for me on Nantucket Island as a reward for all the countless lives I've saved by bringing the tyranny of the National Socialist Party to a swifter-than-imagined end." "Do you have all that, sir?" "I look forward to seeing you face to face as well, sir." "Lieutenant Raine?" "Right here." "Yes, sir." "GENERAL:" "Colonel Landa will put you and Private Utivich in a truck as prisoners." "Then he and his radio operator will get in the truck and drive to our lines." "Upon crossing our lines, Colonel Landa and his man will surrender to you." "You will then take over driving of the truck and bring them straight to me for debriefing." "Is that clear, Lieutenant?" "Yes, sir." "Over and out." "(GUNFlRE)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "(LAUGHING)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Herr Dr. Goebbels, excuse me." "Could I go out for a moment?" "Perfectly understandable, my boy." "You go now, and we'll see you after the show." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(CHIMING)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Who is it?" "Fredrick!" "Shit." "Are you the manager of this cinema?" "I want my money back." "That actor in the movie stinks." "What are you doing here?" "I came to visit you." "Can't you see how busy I am?" "Then allow me to lend an assist." "Fredrick, it's not funny, you can't be here." "This is your premiere, you need to be out there with them." "Normally, you would be right." "And for all the other films I do I intend to endure evenings like tonight, in the proper spirit." "However, the fact remains this film is based on my military exploits." "And in this case, my exploits consisted of killing many men." "Consequently, the part of the film that's playing now I don't like watching this part." "I am sorry, Fredrick, but..." "So, I thought I'd come up here and do what I do best annoy you." "And from the look on your face, it would appear I haven't lost my touch." "Are you so used to the Nazis kissing your ass you've forgotten what the word "no" means?" "No...you can't be here!" "Now go away!" "Fredrick, you hurt me." "Well, it's nice to know you can feel something." "Even if it's just physical pain." "I'm not a man you say, "go away" to." "There's over three hundred dead bodies in Italy, that if they could, would testify to that!" "After what I've done for you you disrespect me at your peril!" "Lock the door." "What?" "Lock the door." "We don't have much time." "Time for what?" "(SIGHS)" "Forget it!" "No, no, no...wait." "You want me to..." "lock the door?" "For the fifty-seventh time, yes." "(GUNFlRE ON film)" "(GROANS)" "(FREDRICK MOANS)" "(SCREAMS)" "When I kill that guy, you got 30 feet to get to that guard." "Can you do it?" "I have to." "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Champagne?" "(GUNSHOT)" "(SCREAMS)" "(screaming)" "(LAUGHING)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Extraordinary my dear, simply extraordinary!" "This is your finest film yet." "Thank you, my Fϋhrer." "Thank you." "Who wants to send a message to Germany?" "I have a message for Germany." "That you are all going to die." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Enough!" "Stop it!" "Turn off the projector!" "And I want you to look deep into the face of the Jew who's going to do it!" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "I don't know what's going on." "That does not belong in my movie!" "MarceI, burn it down." "Oui, Shosanna." "(laughing)" "(PEOPLE SCREAMING)" "My name is Shosanna Dreyfus, and this is the face" "of Jewish vengeance." "(SHOSANNA laughing)" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "These are the American lines, Colonel sir." "Excellent, Hermann." "HANS:" "Hermann, uncuff them." "I'm officially surrendering myself over to you, Lieutenant Raine." "We're your prisoners." "How about my knife?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Thank you very much, Colonel." "Utivich, cuff the Colonel's hands behind his back." "Is that really necessary?" "I'm a slave to appearances." "(GUNSHOT)" "Scalp Hermann." "Are you mad?" "What have you done?" "I made a deal with your general for that man's life!" "Yeah, they made that deal." "But they don't give a fuck about him." "They need you." "You'll be shot for this!" "Nah, I don't think so." "More like chewed out." "I've been chewed out before." "You know, Utivich and myself heard that deal you made with the brass." "End the war tonight?" "I'd make that deal." "How about you, Utivich?" "You make that deal?" "I'd make that deal." "I don't blame you." "Damn good deal." "And that pretty little nest you feathered for yourself." "Well, if you're willing to barbecue the whole High Command," "I suppose that's worth certain considerations." "But I do have one question." "When you get to your little place on Nantucket Island," "I imagine you are going to take off that handsome-looking SS uniform of yours." "Ain't you?" "That's what I thought." "Now, that I can't abide." "How about you, Utivich, can you abide it?" "Not one damn bit, sir." "I mean, if I had my way, you'd wear that goddamn uniform for the rest of your pecker-sucking life." "But I'm aware that ain't practical." "I mean, at some point, you're going to have to take it off." "So," "I'm going to give you a little something you can't take off." "(HANS SCREAMING)" "You know something, Utivich?" "I think this just might be my masterpiece."