"Have I told you about the fancy dress?" "No." "I've not told you about the fancy dress?" "No, you ain't, babe." "The fancy dress party when I was living at me mum's?" "No." "I have told you!" "You ain't told me." "Mum, he said Iain't told him about the fancy dress party!" "She must have told you about the fancy dress party." "No, she ain't." "He says you ain't." "I have told him." "She says she has told you." "She ain't told me." "She ain't told you?" "No!" "What happened?" "A fancy dress party, that's what happened." "We had a fancy dress party." "No!" "Can you imagine?" "Don't make me laugh!" "Don't start me off." "Don't start him off." "You started him off!" "Here we go." "I nearly died, it was so funny." "Iwas in agony, I laughed so much." "Are you ready for this?" "I don't know if I am." "Go on, Dad." "Melanie has come as Shirley Temple licking a big lollipop and tap dancing all over the gaff." "Who's Melanie?" "Melanie Baker, Mum's friend from aerobics." "Worked in the multiplex." "Got a cat with double paws." "She done that fun run dressed as a bottle of Cinzano..." "And forgot to get sponsored." "Pauline, with the big hands, she's come as Posh Spice." "which is a bit much, because she must be 11 stone." "Anyway." "Half-way through the day she says she ain't Posh Spice, she's Carol Vorderman, before she went on the detox." "I nearly died." "She's walloping herself round the kitchen saying, "Consonant or vowel?" It was lethal." "Lisa Jackson, she's gutted she ain't got a costume and wants to know if she puts some ink toner on her face, can she come as Ainsley Harriott?" "She can't say that." "She don't mean nothing by it, she's deaf in one ear." "Shut up, will ya!" "We ain't got to the funny bit yet." "Well, don't tell me there's more." "This is a classic." "Lunchtime right, I've sent me mum down Sainsbury's to get the food," "I'd have gone meself, but I promised Shelley I'd do her highlights before the party because she wanted to come as Kylie and I said I'd do what I could, but I couldn't promise nothing, 'cause she's got hair like cotton wool." "So, I've gone armed with a list." "I've got specific instructions to get..." "ALL:" "Four packs of sausage rolls, eight bags of chicken drumsticks and an unwaxed lemon." "Stop it!" "Well, you know what she's like when she gets in the shops, guaranteed she's gonna bump into someone she knows, and when she starts yapping, that's it, list or no list, game over, it is out of control." "What are you like?" "You know what she's like." "What are you like?" "You know what I'm like." "She's come back from the shops, she's put the bag on the table," "we've opened the bag, we've looked in the bag..." "What's in the bag?" "ALL:" "A tray of vegetarian chipolatas and a strawberry cheesecake." "Well, I've looked at her like that." "She's looked at me like that." "I've looked at both of them like this." "ALL:" "We're all looking at each other like this." "You know what she's done, don't you?" "What's she done?" "She's bought the wrong thing." "Oh, my God!" "I know!" "I know!" "You are mental!" "Stop it, I'm gonna wet meself!" "I'm gonna wet meself as well!" "I have wet meself." "What's an unwaxed lemon?" "ALL:" "We dunno!" "FEMALE INTERVIEWER:" "E/a/ne F/gg/5 /5 one of a growing number of women prepared fo go {o exfraord/nary /eng!" "75 fo find love." "Sadly, however, lasf year she suffered a 5e!" "back, when her husband of nine days was e/eofrooufed on deafh row in his Texan pen/fen!" "ary." "Bu!" "E/a/ne hasn '!" "given up." "This is Gummidge, he's my computer." "Although don't call him a computer, he'll take offence." "My friend Tex at line dancing class, that's his country name, his real name's Rowland, he says that Gummidge is my "global pimp"." "I'm not exactly sure what a pimp is, to be honest, but, although I know Gladys Knight had three of them." "(F'INGs)" "Oh, hang on, Paulo'sjust signed on." "I'd betterjust tell him I'm busy, otherwise I'll never hear the last of it." "There." "Do you know, I've met people from all over the world, all from this little chair." "America, Brazil, Australia, Africa even." "INTERVIEWER:" "And where is Paulo from?" "Reading." "Hank'sjust signed on." "He's from Wisconsin." "He's a lovely man, but keeps sending me pictures of his penis." "Do you get a lot of that?" "No, as I say, I don't get to meet many of them because of the distance involved." "Oh, you mean pictures of them?" "Oh, yeah, I get tons of them." "I don't encourage it, but I'm very broad-minded." "Mind you, if it continues like this," "I am going to have to get myself a bigger hard drive." "(F'INGs)" "Oh, hang on, who's this?" "Oh." "Oh, that's Kyle." "He's an actor." "Well, at least he says he is." "Do you find a lot of people lie about themselves on internet chat rooms?" "I think, at the end of the day, you have to take everything with a pinch of salt." "I mean, for example, this is the picture I use on-line." "Now strictly speaking, that isn't actually me." "It's my friend Cath's daughter, but we're both Sagittarius with Gemini rising, so you can't get much closer than that." "Okay, what time does the film start?" "2200." "Right, we've got enough time." "Hi guys!" "Welcome to BBj's." "I'm your waitress for today." "My name's Amanda, but my friends call me Zebedee." "I'm a fiery Taurean with my moon in Uranus." "Careful, I'll do thejokes." "Um, can we see the menus?" "Okay, guys, here's the deal." "I can give you the menus, but we've got a special promotion on this week, where if you can tell us what we've got on the menus, you get entered into our special mind-reader draw." "\/\/e'lljust have some menus if that's okay, thank you." "Table nine ducking out of the mind-reader draw." "(DUCK CALL)" "Okay, guys, here's your menus, and here's your menu, you cheeky little munchkin." "What's your name?" "Robbie." "And how old are you, Robbie?" "—Eight." "—Eight?" "I was eight when I was your age." "Okalie dokalie." "And what does little Robbie want?" "I want a Captain Octopus fish burger, please." "Aye, aye, captain, and would you like soapy fries with that today for yourself?" "What are soapy fries?" "They're like curly fries, except they're straight and they taste of soap." "Just normal fries." "I'll have a Hot Hot Hot burger..." "Table nine going for Hot Hot Hot burgers!" "(H07 H07 H07 PLAYING)" "# Ole, ole, ole, ole" "# Feeling hot, hot, hot" "Look, A. A is for apple." "Yum, yum." "And aeroplane." "(IMITATING PLANE)" "T is for train." "(IMITATING TRAIN)" "And also for tired." "Hmm." "H is for haven't slept in weeks." "And house." "Hmm, that's right darling, because Mummy doesn't sleep anymore, does she, Molly?" "Hmm?" "N is for no sleep for Mummy." "R, what's R for, sweetheart?" "Do you know what R is for?" "It's for rabbit, floppy floppy bunny rabbit." "And really need to go to bed." "P is for parents, F is for forever." "K, well, K can be loud like kayak, or silent, as in knackered." "I is for igloo, that's where the Eskimos live." "And also for I need to sleep so much I could vomit." "B is for bags under the eyes." "E is for exhaustion and eternal suffering evermore and elephant." "Good morning." "Oh, hi, how's it going?" "Very well, thank you." "Been here long?" "Five or 10 minutes." "Oh, you may as well bed yourself down for the night, then." "I beg your pardon?" "I didn't mean with me." "God, I'm not that easy." "I can see I'm going to have to keep me eye on you, aren't I?" "No, Ijust mean we're really understaffed at the moment." "Really?" "Sorry, where are my manners?" "would you like a rhubarb and custard?" "Not for me, thank you." "No." "I'm not a big fan of boiled sweets meself, but it's nice to have something to suck on in between blanket baths, you know what I mean?" "(BUZZING)" "Oh, it's you." "(BUZZING CONTINUES)" "Aren't you going to answer that?" "No." "It's on vibrate." "(BUZZING CONTINUES)" "It must be a relief, er, to find time for a break." "Oh, God, no, we're too busy for breaks, no." "I'vejust been sent here to meet a new member of staff." "Oh, any luck finding him?" "Her." "She's a her, a female doctor, more trouble than they're worth, if you ask me." "I take it you get on better with the male doctors, then?" "Well, how can I put it?" "They don't allow pets in here, but I've had a cockatoo, you know what I'm saying?" "(SNORTS)" "Oh, I'vejust thought, you're not a doctor, are you?" "No, I'm not a doctor." "Why?" "No, it's just that you have that look about you, you know, the look of authority." "Can be very attractive in a man, if you know what I mean." "You're very kind." "Um, you must have a continual supply of admirers." "Well, I am seeing someone here at the moment, but it's not common knowledge." "I don't kiss and tell." "Good for you." "I shag and shout!" "So you better be careful." "No, no, but seriously, it's rare to see an attractive man around the place without a wedding ring." "Oh, I'm married, Ijust don't wear a ring." "Oh, I see what you're saying." "You like to keep your options open." "No point in being in a stable if you can't ride a few of the horses, you know what I mean, though?" "You do much riding?" "Sorry, I was talking about sex." "Yes, I know." "Oh, nice one." "Well, you know, you're only young once." "Mind you, you can play many a good tune on an old fiddle, if you know what I mean." "I was talking about sex again." "Yes, I know." "Great." "So how about me and you have a bit of a fiddle tonight then, say 7:00?" "You could pick me up outside AE." "Ah, Bernie, I see you've found each other." "Dr Walker, I got your memo about the new doctor, but I'm very sorry, she's not here yet." "What do you mean, she?" "Um, Dr Hilary Donovan." "Bernie, this is Sir Hilary Donovan." "(STAMMERING) What?" "Sir..." "Hilary..." "You said you weren't a doctor." "And I'm not, I'm a surgeon." "I do hope Nurse Bernadette hasn't been bothering you, Sir Hilary." "On the contrary, she's been more than friendly." "Thank you, Your Majesty." "Shall we?" "Yes, let's." "Excuse me, Your Highness, are we still on for that fiddle at 7:00?" "Oh, please!" "Nice one!" "Have any of your on-line relationships turned into anything more serious, Elaine?" "Well, as you know, Tanya, I had met my Prince Charming." "But he was cruelly taken away from me." "Jerry, God rest his soul, was a one-off." "I was convinced no one could ever take his place, until I met Mohammed." "Where is Mohammed?" "He's in Egypt." "He's 24 and he sells spices outside Luxor Temple." "I mean, it's so romantic." "I sometimes think I'm living in a Barbara Cartland novel." "How are you finding the cultural differences?" "We've both had to make our sacrifices." "Mohammed's had to buy a six-month pass for his local Internet cafe and I've had to change my religion." "That must have been a very big decision." "Not really." "I've had to change to halal meat," "I pray to the east five times a day, and a couple of weeks ago Mohammed told me I'm not allowed to do the lottery." "I still do the odd scratch card." "I mean, he's not a fundamentalist." "So has a date been set for the marriage?" "Not yet, no." "We've not been without our setbacks." "I keep sending him money to keep him going till he sells his spice stall, but apparently Mohammed thinks that the man who delivers his post is a bit light-fingered." "Are you sure it's safe to be sending large amounts of money to someone you've only been chatting to for a few weeks?" "Tanya, you've got to understand something about being a Muslim." "The word Islam actually means "love"." "I send him money and he loves that." "(DOOR OPENING)" "All right, Nan?" "Oh, hello darling, there's a nice surprise to find you here." "I didn't want you coming home to an empty flat." "How are you?" "Not bad, thank you, darling." "It was very emotional, but, yeah, I'm all right." "was it a big funeral?" "Oh, it was beautiful." "Church was packed." "She had seven cars follow her, seven." "I didn't think she knew that many people." "And you want to see the food they laid on." "Oh, it was out of this world." "Here you are, sit down, I'll make you a cup of tea." "Yeah, I'm all right for the minute, thanks, love." "I had a couple of Guinness when we came back from the ground." "I didn't want 'em, really, but young Charlie Ford got 'em for me and I didn't want to be rude." "No, course not." "Oh, it don't seem real, does it?" "I only see her last week, she was out there mopping that landing." "Poor old Lena." "Still, it's a happy release for her, though, I suppose." "Yeah." "She weren't never the same after her Jackie died." "She only went out once a week, got her pension, knocked it out on Babycham, came back, came back, sang the top of her voice till 3:00 in the morning." "Oh, I will miss her!" "Did you manage to eat anything, or shall I make you something now?" "No, I had a little something while I was there, love, a nice plate of boiled bacon and potato salad, bowl ofjellied eels, nice bit of crusty bread, couple of sausage rolls." "You don't like to be rude." "I can't believe she's gone." "Come on, Nan, it'll be all right." "I suppose it'll be me next." "Now, don't talk like that." "She didn't have anyone, did she, poor old Lena?" "She went from week to week without a living soul come up and see her." "God help us, that ain't no way to go, is it?" "Oh, well, rest in peace, Lena love." "She owed me money!" "What?" "She owed me money, the woman!" "What are you talking about?" "I gave her 15 quid beginning of last week, she never give it back." "Nan, it hardly matters now." "What a fucking liberty!" "That's typical of her, that is." "She hardly knew she was going to have a heart attack and die" "before she could pay you back!" "Not fucking much she didn't!" "I bet she felt the first twinge go down her arm and thought, "That's it," ""I'll go and tap her across the road."" "She was artful cow!" "Fifteen quid." "I sent a wreath worth £25, and, oh, it gets worse." "Nan, just leave it, I'll give you the money." "I don't want your money!" "Don't you dare, don't you dare," "I've got more money than the lot of you put together." "Great, well, you won't miss that 15 quid, then." "'Ere, any more talk like that and I shall leave it all to the cat's home." "(CACKLING)" "What about them old girls who leave all their money to the cat's home?" "Oh, that do make me laugh." "What do the cats want with it?" "What do they care?" "They're fucking cats!" "What are they going to do, go on a cruise?" "All the little cats sailing round the world on a cat yacht, sipping champagne, getting all dressed up to have dinner with the captain." "They're fucking cats!" "Great, well that's all sorted, then." "would you like a cup of tea now?" "Yeah, lovely." "Oh, there's a good boy, go and put the kettle on, that's it." "Here you are, we can have a couple of these with it and all." "You've not brought those back from the wake?" "Course I did." "Didn't fancy them while I was there, but I knew I'd want some later." "Always the same whenever I have a drink, always fancy a nice bit of cake a couple of hours after." "Oh, that's beautiful." "God, I hope no one saw you." "Oh, get in there and put the kettle on, you, or I won't let you have any of this quiche." "(CACKLING)" "Do you mind?" "Very noisy, terribly distracting." "For goodness sake!" "We're trying to watch the film back here." "Honestly, I've never known such rudeness." "Unbelievable." "(FARTING)" "Have you been eating garlic?" "IRENE:" "You're late." "Yeah, I had to take a woman up to Uxbridge." "Onlyjust got back." "Oh, it has been chocka here." "Absolutely chocka, hasn't it, Vernon?" "Yeah, you're lucky you just missed the rush." "Double cheeseburger?" "Yes, please." "Double cheese for Neville." "Thanks, Vern." "Yeah, you missed it all go off earlier." "You'll never believe who was here." "Go on." "Oh, what's her name?" "American woman." "Vernon, what's the name of that woman that was here earlier?" "You know, that big, blonde woman, off the telly." "Off the telly, you say?" "Married to a funny-looking little bloke with ginger hair." "Madonna!" "Oh, right." "So what was she doing up here, then?" "They were on their way to the garden centre." "She bought one of them bolt-together barbecues last Saturday and they've not given her enough nuts." "Well couldn't she havejust got some nuts from BQ?" "Well, that's what I said, but she said they're a funny size." "Anyhow, they have a burger each, get back in their car and it wouldn't start." "They run out of petrol." "Oh, dear." "Apparently she knew they needed to fill up, but she wouldn't because they'd been passing Esso garages and she only uses BP." "Oh, right." "Is that a political thing?" "No, apparently she's collecting the Nectar points." "So, anyway, Vernon gives the little ginger bloke a lift up to Sainsbury's garage." "Meanwhile, I'm left here with her for 20 minutes and she starts banging on about Iraq." "Oh, dear." "I said, "Don't talk to me about Middle Eastern policies," ""I met Geoff Hoon in a cash and carry last Thursday, I'm up to here with it."" "And what with him wittering on all day, me head's banging." "Any sauce?" "No, that's smashing." "Right, see you tomorrow." "See you later, take care." "I believe, Elaine, that some of your friends are worried about you marrying a man who lives 2,000 miles away and who you've only spoken to via the internet." "Tanya, this is the 21 st century, people should realise anything is possible." "We've got cordless phones, compact discs." "I mean, just last night I was watching Sky Travel and they've got a chimpanzee in Las Vegas who can ride a bike while smoking a cigar." "We're not living in the dark ages anymore." "So what's the plan?" "Well, the plan is I meet Mohammed at Heathrow and then we go straight to the registry office and get married." "(MOBILE BEEPING)" "Oh, it's from Mohammed." "No last-minute nerves, I hope?" "Hmm?" "No, no Ijust asked him to let me know if the money I sent him yesterday went into his bank account." "How much did you send him, Elaine?" "Well, what with tomorrow's airfare and various bits and bobs, it did come to a couple of thousand this time." "What did the text say?" "Hmm?" ""Yes."" "He's a man of very few words, and not all of those are in English." "I must be mad!" "Right, well, I'm off." "I've got to go and pick up my outfit, and yes, it is very special and no, you can't get a sneak preview." "Right, I shall see you lot tomorrow." "Once more into the bridge, dear friends." "Is it..." "Is it all right?" "I've got to go." "Yes, right." "Lauren, I'm sure you don't like staying behind any more than I do, but until you learn to focus more when you're in class and do the work set for the lesson, you're going to stay behind and do it in your own time." "Are you are a Northerner, Miss?" "Excuse me?" "You're from the North, innit?" "Do your work, Lauren." "Are you a Northerner, though?" "Why do you ask, Lauren?" "'Cause you speak funny, is it." "That's enough." "Only asking a question." "Can't I ask a question?" "I'm only asking a question, though." "I'm from Bristol, Lauren." "Does that answer your question?" "Yeah." "Good." "Are you a farmer, Miss?" "Lauren." "Are you a farmer, though?" "Don't be ridiculous!" "You talk like a farmer." "Carry on with your work." "Why do you talk like a farmer, then?" "I'm not going to tell you again." "Do you live on a farm, Miss?" "Lauren, be quiet." "Miss, are you the farmer's wife?" "If you don't be..." "Are you the farmer's wife?" "No I'm not!" "Are you Old MacDonald, Miss?" "Don't be..." "Do you know Old MacDonald, Miss?" "Stop this." "E-I-E-I-O, Miss." "Stop this nonsense." "You know perfectly well I'm not a farmer, now get back to your work immediately." "I'm not being funny or nothing, but you do smell like a farmer." "Now, that's enough!" "Is it the pig swill?" "Right." "Miss, do you eat pig swill?" "Be quiet!" "I am not from the North and I am not a farmer, now let that be the end of it." "No doubt you think yourself very amusing, but look around, Lauren, no one's here to see your little show." "Now I suggest you pick up that book and start reading, because you are well on your way to coming bottom of your whole year." "Am I bothered?" "Am I bothered, though?" "Lauren." "I ain't bothered." "I ain't bothered, though." "Can you..." "Look at my face." "just..." "Is my face bothered?" "You..." "You sound ridiculous." "You sound like a farmer." "You're making a fool of yourself." "I don't care, 'cause I ain't bothered." "Lauren." "Stop this." "I ain't bothered." "I ain't bothered, though." "Right now." "Come on." "Look." "Farmer." "Face." "Look." "Farmer." "just stop it!" "Face." "Farmer." "Iain't." "Bothered!" "No, Lauren, you're not bothered, but you're 15 years old and you don't even know where Bristol is!" "I don't need to know, I ain't a farmer." "Right, that's it." "I'm washing my hands of you, I've had just about enough of this." "Read the book, don't read the book, it's not my problem anymore." "Miss?" "Have you got to go and milk the cows, Miss?" "(s/+5 PLAYING)"