"Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye." "Ladies and gentlemen, this station has the honor to present a weekly report on the New York scene by Alexander Woollcott, The Town Crier." "This is Woollcott speaking." "This evening, instead of reporting to you on the new plays along Broadway I want to say a word about the swarm of young hopefuls who arrive in New York each year determined to make good on the stage if it takes a leg." "I have here over 1000 letters from such young people asking what to do, where to start." "Every one of these people thinks that he has more talent than 90 percent of the actors on Broadway." "Broadway." "They call it "The Great White Way."" "But it shines with a radiance no electrical company can inspire." "It comes from the likes of you." "One word of advice, take what you can get." "Grab the chances as they come along." "Act in hallways, sing in doorways  and if you have to, dance in cellars." "Hello, everybody." "How do you do?" "We're gonna do a song and a dance and all for you." "Never seen a better crowd at any place." "We just wanna see you have a smile on your face." "So here comes our bag of tricks." "We turn on the show." "Drop the nickel in, Nicky, and here we go." "Hey!" "Hey!" "New York, New York Fascinating city" "Magic castles rising in the air" "Wall Street, Broadway Guys are sittin' pretty" "Every window hides a millionaire" "So when defeatists holler "There's no chance"" "Just tell them this But with a dirty glance" "Once Mr. Woolworth Didn't have a dime" "And Irving Berlin Didn't have a rhyme" "And Thomas Dewey Didn't have a crime" "But anything can happen in New York" "Once Rockefeller Didn't have that oil" "And Tiffany He didn't have a pearl" "And Ziegfeld Didn't even have a girl" "But anything can happen in New York" "You, too, can be that big ball of fire" "You, too, can have your name In Who's Who" "You, too, can climb up higher and higher Until you reach that Rainbow Room" "The Wall Street bankers Didn't have a trust" "The Automat It didn't have a crust" "The Hall Of Fame It didn't have a bust" "But even you can be one in New York" "Yes, sir You can be one in New York" "You, too, can be that big ball of fire" "You, too, can start from scratch And get rich" "You, too, can climb up higher and higher" "Like Lord  Taylor, Bonwit Teller Gimbel, Macy, Rockefeller" "You can even be an Abercrombie Fitch" "Once Mr. Morgan Didn't have a yacht" "And Joe DiMaggio Didn't have a swat" "The pot of gold Didn't have a pot" "But anything can happen in New Don't mean innuendo" "We mean only in New York" "Yes, sir!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "That's the show!" "Hey, hey!" "Hey, that's us." "Feed the little kitty, folks." "We take anything." "Hey, all the way." "Well, Nick, you got the armored car outside for us tonight?" " Boys, I've got bad news for you." " What's the matter?" "I want you to resign." "You mean, you want us to quit working here?" "Oh, no, sir, Nick." "We love you too much." "We wouldn't let you sit in this cellar all by yourself every night, would we?" "Then I got to fire you." " Fired?" " Why?" "Look, I got the business, yes?" "I got the wife, I got the three kids I got myself, I got you, yes?" " Yeah." "But I only got three customers eating my spaghetti." "So, I've got to go out of business." "That's too bad, Nick." "Don't worry, Nick." "Spaghetti will come back someday." "Hey, what's this?" "Five bucks." "Wait a minute." "Who put this money in there?" " Five dollars?" " Yeah." "It couldn't be that icky from Waterbury, could it?" "I don't get it." "She probably thought it was a buck." "I'll have to give it back to her." "Hey, you're not gonna cast that nice, fresh folding money back on the waters." "I hate to do it, fellas, but things aren't that tough." "And I better do it quick, before my stomach talks to my willpower." "Hey, wait a minute." "Just let me hold it." "Goodbye, Mr. Lincoln." "Excuse me, lady, but I think you made a mistake." " I found that in the kitty over there." " Anything wrong with it?" " It's a 5." " The kitty says you take anything." "You mean?" "Gosh, that's an awful lot of admission just to watch us when you can see the top shows on Broadway for $4.40." "I think your show is as good as some I've seen on Broadway." "You do?" "You do?" "Oh, gosh, thanks." "We kind of think we're pretty good too." "The straw hats around here won't even listen to us and the out-of-town trade very seldom gets down this way." "Where are you from?" "What part of the country?" " I was born in Wisconsin, but I..." " Wisconsin?" "Well, that's funny." "My mom was born in Wisconsin." " You like New York?" " I get tired of it sometimes..." "Wait til you start swinging out." "You know something?" "You talk just like my mom." "She said that God made New York just so that the good people would enjoy Wisconsin." "Your mother might have something there." "No place like it." "That's what I tell her in every letter." "Where else can a fellow shoot out of a firetrap like this into a top spot on Broadway?" "Sure, it happens every day." "Fellow comes in, sees something he likes." "Says, "That's it." Your name goes up in lights." " You're a hit overnight." " Really?" " Sort of like Horatio Alger, isn't it?" " Yeah, yeah." "Only it hasn't happened to us like that yet." "The roof caved in on us tonight." "This bin's gonna close up." "But we're on the upbeat." "When we become headliners, we'll send you tickets, get your money's worth." " You do that." "I'll give you my address." " Swell." " There." " Well, thank you very much." "Miss Jones from Wisconsin." "You've been darn swell to us." "If you need a couple of fellows to show you the city or anything like that..." "Well, here, I'll give you one of our cards." "There you are." "Which of the Three Balls of Fire are you?" "I'm the one you can't get any insurance on." "Tommy Williams." "You can phone me at Pitt-Astor Drugstore." "I'm there all the time." "It's kind of like an actors' clearing-house." "I'd like to show it to you sometime." "That's very nice, Tommy." " I'm much obliged." " Why, not at all." "You liked our act, didn't you?" "You give a fella a lot of heart." "You know, the last person that made me feel this good was my mother." "That's a nicer compliment than I paid you." "You'll hear from me." "You just drop your hat and I'll come running." "Oh, and thanks again for this fiver." "You know, you made Santa Claus seem like a schoolboy." "It won't seem so much when you split it three ways and deduct the income tax." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." " Hello." " Hello." " Hi, Tommy, Hammy." " Hi, ladies." " Tommy, I got that part." " Swell, Sally." " Wonderful." " Great." " Hi, sexy boy." " Oh, hello, fellas." " Been making the rounds?" " And how." " Anything new?" " Yeah, did you have any luck?" "I saw 14 producers, but nobody's producing." "Oh, dear." "That's..." "Hi, Bert." "Keep those sidewalks hot enough nowadays, don't they?" " Stop looking at that 85c dinner." " Boys, what will it be?" " Steak, medium." " Chicken, fried." " Squab, broiled." " Yeah, I know." " Three hams on rye and heavy on the ham." " Oh, that's very funny." " There was a call for you guys." " Call for us?" " Yeah, the Thornton Reed office." " Thornton Reed's office." " Thornton Reed?" " Easy, buddy." "Don't you think it's too warm for jokes?" "I don't know, but she says Thornton Reed Productions wants you before 6:00." "How can we lose?" "We've been turned down by every producer." "Look here, Shorty, if this is a gag, you've seen your last banana split." "Hey, excuse me, ma'am." "This may sound crazy to you, but did you call us?" "Well, who are you?" "Well, we're the Three..." " Balls of Fire." " Balls of Fire." "Right in there, please." "Well, go ahead." "It's only a doorknob." "Well, hello." "But, miss, I thought that you were..." "In Wisconsin?" "I'm afraid not, not for 20 years." " But, Miss Jones, I..." " Hey, you're not Jonesy?" "Not the famous Jo..." "Holy..." "Well, aren't you going to sit down?" "Oh, yeah." "And I was gonna show you New York." "Maybe you will someday." "You know, I've never really seen it all." "Now, boys, to get down to business." "Mr. Reed is producing a new musical revue." "I have spoken to him about you." " About us?" " Thornton Reed?" "This is getting to be like Alice in Wonderland." "So if you'll be at the old Amsterdam tomorrow morning at 11:00 I may be able to get him to watch your act." "But please, you mustn't tell a soul." "This is a very private audition." "Mr. Reed doesn't like actors." "Well, do you think you can make it?" " Make it?" " Right now, we've been there for hours." "Hello." "Oh, yes, Thornton." "See you tomorrow morning at the theater." " Thank you very much." " Yes, Thornton." "You don't know what you've done." "What did you say, Thornton?" "I mean, what did you say, Thornton?" "Oh, I don't know." "I don't see any objection to Philadelphia." "Read that, please." "Read that." " Thanks very much." "Goodbye." " Bye." "Sorry." "Come on." " Hammy." " Hiya, Jenny." "You look as if you swallowed the Academy Award." "I'm really riding." "Thornton Reed has just asked us to come over to a little audition tomorrow at the old Amsterdam." " Thornton Reed?" "Listen, you better come over." "You never can tell." " Thanks." "That's one I owe you." " But you better keep it quiet." " Don't forget kids, 11:00 sharp." " Thanks, Tommy." "That's all right." "Shorty, remember those ham sandwiches we ordered?" "Trade them in for top sirloins." " How do you want them?" " On a plate with a lot of potatoes." "I'm not kidding." "Tomorrow at the old Amsterdam." "Don't forget to tell Eddie." "Keep this under your hats, kids." "Thornton Reed's new musical, the old Amsterdam, tomorrow." "Actors working, yeah!" "Wait a minute, Shorty." "That's kind of quick, isn't it?" " Pitt-Astor's super service." " What did you do, send out for it?" "This is what I've been telling you fellas about, eating acting." " Yes." " Yeah." "What's that?" "Excuse me, I'll be back in a minute." " Hey, you can't do that." " Go away." " What are you crying about?" " None of your business." "All right, come on, come on, break it up." "You've gotten your laugh." "I don't think I like you." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " Now that we know each other..." " But we don't." "My name is Williams, Tommy Williams." "What's yours?" "It doesn't matter." "I'm just a failure." "Oh, well, I was a failure yesterday." "Now look at me today." "You mean, you even looked worse yesterday?" "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." "But I was a success yesterday." "You mean, you even looked better yesterday?" "Oh, I worked and I slaved." "There were only three words in the part, but, oh, they were such beautiful words." ""I love you"?" "No." ""The telephone, madam."" "I never got past "the telephone."" "I just haven't got any talent." "Well, you cry awfully pretty." " You think so?" " Yeah, no question." "And I wouldn't worry about three tired little words." "You have talent." "Why, you're steaming with it." "It's coming out all over you." "And don't say you can't act, because you can act." "You're not unhappy, you're only making yourself believe you are." "And that's acting." "And that's why it's wonderful." "You mean I don't really feel badly at all?" "Oh, of course, you do." "Of course, you do." "Excuse me." "But those are 14-karat tears and you don't wanna waste them because someday, they'll come in awfully handy at the curtain of the second act." "But don't you have to feel better to be able...?" "Sure you do, but you don't want to let them touch you." "Why, I'll bet right at this minute you have more talent than Katharine Cornell." "I'll bet at this minute I've got more talent than Barrymore." "That's what you've got to keep dreaming and thinking." "And when things get so bad that you just wanna holler murder that's when you sell yourself a bill of goods." "And if you can do it then, you can sell anybody." "I guess I'm getting to be quite a speechmaker." "You know, you don't talk like an actor at all." "Oh, but I act like one." "You're through with that?" " Oh, yeah, here." " Thanks." "Well, now that I've straightened your life out, what's your name?" " Penny." " Penny, just like that?" " No puns." " All right, one-cent." " Where do you live?" " I live down that way." " Would a nickel swing it?" " No, but two might." "All right, I'm declaring myself a partner." " Come on." " All right." " Hey, where you going?" " I'm gonna fly this little sparrow home." "Well, stay out of the stratosphere, Cock Robin." "We've got an act to rehearse." " You live far from the subway?" " I practically live in it." " Hiya, Mary." " Hello, Penny." " Hello, Johnny." "How's your mother?" " Much better." " Thanks for the cake." " Okay." "Well, here we are." " How are you on steps?" " Terrific." "Hello, Papa." "Papa." "Oh, hello, dear." "Oh, hello, hello." " Papa, this is Mr. Williams." " How do you do?" " How do you do?" "I hope we didn't interrupt." " No, not at all." "Barbara Jo is late again." "Penny, if she comes, you tell her she's a bad girl." "You know, every time I have an orchestra rehearsal for those children, why, I'm late." " Goodbye, young man." "Glad to know you." " Bye-bye, sir." " Oh, my." " I hope I didn't drive him out." "He was just afraid I was gonna ask him if he collected from Mrs. Mulligan." "He just won't ask for money." "Boy, I'll bet this piano has played a lot of empty stomach music." "Yeah." "Would you like a piece of cake?" " Cake?" "Did you bake it?" " No, but I bought it." " Oh, bring it on then." " All right." "Where's Papa Morris?" "I'm late." "Well, excuse me." "Are you taking a lesson?" "No, no, I'm just tuning the piano." "You mean I won't be able to take a lesson?" "You certainly won't." "Where've you been?" "This is the third time in a row..." " It's wonderful, wait till you hear." " What?" "They got the thing passed." "We're all going to the country." "Two weeks, for free." "Isn't that marvelous?" " All the kids?" " The whole settlement house." "Mr. Stone just told me." "And I'm president of the whole thing." " Congratulations." " This is Barbara Jo." "This is Mr. Williams." " Pleased to meet you, Mr. Williams." " Mr. Williams is an actor, you know." " A real actor?" "On the stage?" " Well, I..." "Here's your cake." "Here, Barbara Jo." "Gee, you don't look like an actor." "That's what most of the producers think." " Won't you sit down, Mr. Williams?" " Thank you." "You know, Mr. Williams, there's a couple of things I don't understand about acting." "Only a couple of things?" "When you're on the stage you have your arms around the girl and say:" ""I love you more than anything in the whole world."" " Yeah?" " Do you really mean it?" "Well, that depends upon the girl." "Yeah, I suppose so." "But, gee, when Robert Taylor says it, he makes me believe it." "You know, Penny's gonna be an actress." "She's always acting." " Eat your cake, darling." " Well, I am eating it." "Oh, well, got to be going." "Big meeting tonight." "Wait until the kids find out they're really going." "Some of them never even seen the country." " Tell Papa I couldn't help it." " I'll tell him, but you better practice." "Why, Penny, you know I love to practice." "Goodbye, Mr. Williams." "Sure like to see you act sometime." "Well, thank you." "Bye, Penny." " Won't you sit?" " Won't you sit?" "Here we are, just as if we had planned it." "Yeah, you mean just as if we didn't." "You know, I have a feeling that you're gonna be that unknown quantity in my life." "What's that?" "Something that brings a fellow good luck." "The springboard." "The inspiration." "The thing that everything adds up to." "Gee, that's quite an assignment." "Not with what you have." "Just what have I, Mr. Williams?" "Well, it's a combination." "A combination of something sweet and warm." "Plus a quality that's far away from everybody." "Reflection of talent, that's what it is." "There's something special lighting everything around you." " I didn't know I had that." " Sure, that's what you have." "And as soon as I see Thornton tomorrow why, I'm gonna tell him to take a good look at you." "Before you know it, we'll be dancing on top of the world, together." "Oh, gee, that would be fun, if it ever came true." "As soon as I get through with the audition why, I'll come back over here and you'll see how true it is." "Well, just so you won't get lost." "I'll be at the settlement house filing envelopes." "And you can park your dream boat right outside the entrance." " Now, will you do something for me?" " Lf I can." " Will you sing me a song?" " How do you know I can?" "Because you sing when you talk, when you walk." "Why, you're eyes are..." "Why, they're singing right now." "They are?" "Well, I'll be darned." "When a girl meets boy" "Life can be a joy" "But the note they end on" "Will depend on Little pleasures they will share" "So let us compare" "I like New York in June" "How about you?" "I like a Gershwin tune" "How about you?" "I love a fireside When a storm is due" "I like potato chips Moonlight and motor trips" "How about you?" "I'm mad about good books Can't get my fill" "And Franklin Roosevelt's looks Give me a thrill" "Holding hands in the movie show When all the lights are low" "May not be new But I like it" "How about you?" "I like Jack Benny's jokes" "To a degree" "I love the common folks" "That includes me" "I like to window shop on 5th Avenue" "I like banana splits Late supper at the Ritz" "How about you?" "I love to dream of fame Maybe I'll shine" "I'd love to see your name Right beside mine" "I can see we're in harmony" "Looks like we both agree On what to do" " And I like it" " And I like it" " How about you?" " How about you?" "I'm so delighted I've ignited the spark within you" "Let me continue to make it burn" "With you, I will be like a Trilby So let's not dally" "Come on, Svengali I've lots to learn" "When you're arising Start exercising daily" "For example Just a sample" "Bend and touch the floor Fifty times or more" "A fine start To be a Bernhardt" "A dictionary's necessary But not for talking" "It's used for walking The Ziegfeld way" "Is this okay?" "That's the trick You're catching on quickly" "Should I take a bow?" "Oh, let me show you how" " Just like partners on the stage" " Yeah." "If you can use a partner I'm the right age" "Hey, don't go under there." "The way our luck's been running, I wish it was Friday the 13th." " Oh, no, you don't." " Wait a minute, what's the idea?" " This happens to be Friday." " And the 13th." "It is?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Strange." "Well, here we are." "Remember, this Thornton Reed is big-league." "This is a private audition." "No mugging, no pressing." " Don't look anxious." " All right." "Quiet!" "Quiet!" "Quiet!" "Look's like somebody's been reading our mail." "Easy, folks." "Easy, folks." "Do you realize you're getting on Mr. Reed's nerves?" "Mason, where's the boy with my sandwich?" "He'll be here." "I think he got lost in the crowd." " I can't even get a 10c sandwich." " Thornton, remember your headache." "Don't rub me down." "You're the cause of all this." "You and your discoveries." "I don't want to discover anyone." "I give you my word." "This time, I only told three boys." "Where, in Yankee Stadium?" "This is wonderful." "Every actor in New York will love you." "I don't want every actor in New York to love me." "I want my wife to love me." " Drink this." " I don't want it, I want my sandwich." "I'm..." "Mason, you've got to keep them back." " Please, please, please." " I'm keeping them back." "People, you must stop this nonsense." "All I'm doing is a little intimate musical, not the Passion play." " Quiet, quiet, quiet!" " Listen, we want to give everyone a chance." "But unless you line up so I can see you, I'll have to call the whole thing off." " Come on, Jenny." "Let's get in." " Get in, Helen." " Quit shoving back there, you pig." " What's the big idea?" "Mr. Reed, you don't know us, but we just closed the Tip-Top Inn in Albany." "Yeah, we're the Four Hot Licks." " May..." " Ray..." " Fay..." " And Kay." "Oh, sextet from Madam Lucia" "Oh, sextet I love you, yeah" "Please, please, some other time." "Mason, have them pass by in one line so we could get through with this." "Mr. Reed will see you." " Keep in one line, keep moving." " No, I'm sorry." " Make it snappy." " Yes, I could use you." " Yes, no, too small." " Just keep on going." " No, too short." "No, boys." " No." " What do you mean, no?" " But, Thornton..." " I mean no, I can't use you." " Well, how do you know?" " How do I...?" " You haven't seen us do anything." "We're the Three Balls of Fire." "Once we get started, you can't put us out." "But I can put you out before you get started." "Mason." "Thornton, wait." "These are the boys I've been telling you about." "They're tremendous." "In three years, they'll be greater than Astaire." "Then bring them back in three years." "I'm sorry, lad, some other time." " Not now, that's all." "I'm sorry." " Mr. Reed, I..." "All right, keep them going." " Just keep on going." " No, no, no, I'm sorry." "No, I can't use you." "No, no children." "No, no children." "Wait, wait, don't send my brother to the chair." "Don't let him burn." "Please, please, warden, please." "Mr. Reed, I have some clippings here." "This is Maxine when she was a little girl..." "Mason, Mason." "Maybe we ought to change our name to the Three Puffs of Smoke." "Private audition." "How do you like her, giving us that?" "It's not her fault." "It's those producers." "They're all the same." "Just send out nonchalantly for 1000 actors every time they get lonesome." "Well, I guess we're cooked, fellas." "Yep, on both sides." "What do we do now, Tom?" "I've been pedaling that hocus-pocus about talent and ambition." "They don't want talent." "They wouldn't know talent if it was wrapped up in the mailbox." "I guess it's back to the bulrushes." "Maybe I don't belong in show business." "I don't know." "It's all right, I'll do something else." "Drive a truck, dig ditches, sell shoes, anything." "Take it easy, Tommy." "You know you're not serious." "We'll be back making the rounds again tomorrow." " Something will turn up." " Not me, brother." "What are you trying to do, split up the axis?" "How long you gonna go through life singing?" "How long are you gonna keep yourself in hock to producers?" "Until you become a producer yourself." "Until you become a producer yourself." "That's very funny." "Until you become a producer yourself." "Sure." "Why not?" "There's nothing magic to it." "All you need is a little courage, taste, money." "Yeah, and we're loaded with courage and taste." "We've got lots of talent." "So why don't we sign ourselves up?" "Four months ago, when we came to this city, we devoted our lives to the theater." "Here comes the Gettysburg Address." "We got the brush from the New York producers." "Living or dead." "We've got a satchel full of talent and no place to display it." "So we'll build our own showcase." " Have you forgotten about money?" " Or are you planning to win a raffle?" "Money?" "Well, anybody can put on a show with money." "Let's not be corny about this thing." "Oh, certainly, can't be corny, so let's forget about money." "What do we use instead?" "Well, anything." "We can use..." "Well, you know..." "like a... a cause." " A what?" " A what?" "A cause." "A great, big beautiful cause." "Something that'll tug at their heartstrings make them dig down in their jeans and bring tears to their eyes." "You better stop eating that salami." "Don't you realize that America is cause-crazy?" "Why, they give shows for everybody." "China, the Red Cross, Bundles for Britain." "There must be some place they haven't thought of." "Right here." "Now you're talking." "How about a cause for eatless actors?" "Actors?" "No, nobody cares about actors." "It's gotta be something solid." " Like widows, orphans, dogs." " How about mailmen or motormen?" " No, no, glamour." " How about ball players?" "They've all got chicken farms." " Hey, I got it." "I got it." " Well, what is it?" "How about chorus girls?" "Well, how about them?" "I'm sorry, Hammy." "I guess I'm just blowing bubbles again." "If only I hadn't written that big buildup to Mom promised the city hall to everybody." "Hey, where are you going?" "I'm gonna get a little air." "I'm a little flat." "What's your claim?" "Look, look, things can't be as bad as all that." "You don't know what happened." "Something awful happened to me, but I'm not crying, look." "You're a boy." "You know, you cry awfully pretty." " I do?" " Sure, you cry beautifully." "Why, if I thought I looked that pretty, I'd be crying my eyes out all the time." "You know what?" "I'm gonna make you my official crier." "Well, and as soon as things get tough why, I'll give you the signal and you can turn it on." "Why, everybody can cry if they're unhappy themselves." "It's not me so much." "I've seen it." "But some of the other kids, they never even been there." " And those old trustees..." " The who?" "The Board of Trustees." "They promised we were going to the country for two whole weeks." "And now they tell us they can't give us the money." "Well, don't you worry about it." "You're still young." "You have lots of time to go to the..." "Hey, what did you say?" "We were gonna see cows and brooks and milk them and everything." "You mean, they backed out on you?" "Why, I've never heard of such a thing." "Why, how dare they do that?" " Come on, we'll go see about it right now." " See about what?" "These kids have never seen the sunlight, babbling brooks, blade of grass a bluebird flitting from tree to tree." "What has happened to the milk of human kindness?" "Where is he?" " Where's who?" " The whatchamacallit, the number one guy." " The superintendent?" "He's inside." " That's our man." "Why, the idea of these people, these children..." "So all you have to do is give us the word and we're ready to go." "I like your enthusiasm." "I'm afraid it's a much bigger job than you imagine." "No, it isn't." "You see, Tommy's a professional." "Yes, I know, but where are you going to get all the talent?" "Talent?" "Why, the world is riddled with talent." "You can shake it out of trees." "It's right here." "This girl right here, she's the greatest singer of songs I ever heard." "You've got the greatest crying act in show business." "And as for myself, well..." "And if that isn't enough, I can walk into a drugstore on 44th street throw a rock, hit more talent than on any Broadway show." "Well, that takes care of the talent." "Now, where do you propose putting this show on?" "In the auditorium?" "They couldn't seat over 100 people there." "No, this has gotta be big." "This isn't gonna be any amateur night." "It's gotta be gigantic." "Like the World Series or the Aquacade." "This is Rose Bowl stuff." "Why, it looks as if you'll need a whole city block." "Yeah." "City block." "Yeah." "Sure, that's it." "Right in the neighborhood." "We'll rope it off." "Everybody will come to it." "We give them a sample, then pass the hat." "With the money we take, we'll hire the hall." "Put on a show for half a buck that'll send those kids to the country." "Well, I must admit you have a wonderful platform." " Couldn't we, Mr. Stone?" " Please, please?" "Well, in the face of all this enthusiasm, what can I say?" "But I'm not guaranteeing that Mr. Busch will be swept off his feet." "Mr. Busch?" "Who's Mr. Busch?" "The district leader." "He's the only one who can give you a permit for a block party." " Tough customer?" " A very tough customer." "Come on, we'll go there, see if we can cut him down to our size." "Bye." " Thank you." " That's quite all right." "So here's this character sitting there, Simon J. Busch." "Typical ward heeler." "Heater sticking out the side of his mouth, big black derby with heart to match." "So I go to work on him." "I say:" ""Mr. Busch, if you donate this city block, it'll send you to Congress."" "He keeps on smoking." "I try to appeal to his sense of chivalry." "He can't even spell it." "I talk to him about his school days." "He never went." "Things are desperate and Barbara Jo was crying so hard she looks like a road show edition of the Johnstown flood." "So I slide right into the theme song." ""Mr. Busch, you're not gonna keep these starving kiddies away from the babbling brooks, and the birds that sing and the vitamins A, B, C, and D." "You're not gonna be responsible for young America growing up with rickets." "Oh, no, not you, Mr. Busch." "Not you." "Not a man who reminds me so much of Thomas Jefferson."" "Then I had tell him who Jefferson is." "I tell you, he folded up like a wet tent." "He started to cry, tears came as big as Ping-Pong balls." "He just couldn't resist the cause." "It's the sucker shot of the century." "If we play our cards right, use those kids right we'll land right in the middle of Broadway with four-forty written all over us." "And all the time, Mr. Busch just kept sitting there, smoking that smelly old cigar." "And just when I was sure he was gonna say no Mr. Williams got right on top of the desk and he told him what wonderful kids we were." "And if we didn't all get sunshine and fresh air, we'd wind up with pickets." " With what?" " Pickets." "Darling, you mean rickets." "Well, anyway, he was wonderful, and Mr. Busch finally said he'd go it." " And you know what, Penny?" " What?" "All I could think of was was Abraham Lincoln freeing the slaves." "I'm gonna tell him you said that." " He'll like that." " Oh, I wish you would." " Gee, he's exceptional." " Yeah." "Too bad he isn't better-looking." "Why, Barbara Jo, he's fine-looking." "He's got character in his face." "You know he turned down an opportunity in a Broadway show just to do this?" " Honest?" " Yes." "And you'll never know what that meant to him." "I couldn't have done it, not even my three little words." "Gosh, he never stops to think of himself." "But he'll be paid back." "You know, Penny, if it was anybody else but you, I'd be jealous." "If it was anybody else but him, you could have him." " Is it all right?" " Yeah." " Let's get it on the pole." " Okay." " How's that?" " Swell, Tony." "The tempo's perfect." "Just right." "I know my dance all right." "Can I go now?" "Sure, Ronnie." "Sign your name over here." " I'll have to take the children." " Right." "Thank you, Mrs. Crainen." " Come on, children." " Jenny, give me that." "Everybody, can I have your attention please?" "After you get through with your work whether painting a sign, practicing a song or dance, you can leave." "Other performers are coming in." "They have to rehearse too." "After your work, sign one of these cards before you go out." "Thanks, everybody." "Oh, Penny, get your costume on." "We're gonna do our skit." " All right." " Will you come and see my costume?" "I have no time now." "All right, everybody, let's have it quiet, please, quiet now!" "Everybody, take those signs and banners and posters and put them in the anteroom." "Move that piano here in this corner." "Hurry up, now!" "All the rest of you, come on down here by the stand here." "Come on, right up close to the platform." "That's it." "Now let me have your attention please!" "Quiet!" "Now, look, we're gonna do the number first, so all of you get in your aprons and overalls." "Come on, now, let's move." "And don't forget, give us lots of zambo." "Go ahead, take it, Johnny." "When our grandmas and our grandpas Were just girls and boys" "They seemed to have A lot more fun than we" "Their party clothes were calicoes And homemade corduroys" "And a big event Was called a husking bee" "A banjo and a fiddle And a big old-fashioned barn" "Was all the preparation that they made" "And if they tell you otherwise Dismiss it as a yarn" "Refreshments were confined to lemonade" "Now, you may say it's corny And I guess I must agree" "But it was good enough for grandma" "It was good enough for grandpa" "And it's good enough for me" "Hoedown The country's gone hoedown" "It's puttin' its toe down And kicking' its heel" "Hoedown is really a rare dance" "A pioneer square dance But with a new deal" "One, two Swing your partner lightly" "While you hold her ever so tightly" "Hoedown And bring your best beau down" "We're facing a showdown And gotta make hay" "'Cause hoedown's on its way" "Stand in line and do the turkey Like a Yankee Doodle Dandy" "When you turkey, do it jerky" "That's the trick Now you're hoein' on down" "Sashay, sashay, sashay around While you're hoein' on down" "Form a circle in the middle Everybody allemande" "Boys keep tempo with the fiddle And your gal in the calico gown" "Hoe on down with your calico gown" "Do-si-do around It's very romantic" "Do-si-do" "Do-si-do some more And maybe she'll fall" "Now it's time to do your honors" "Then when you've gone Through your honors" "Promenade the hall" "Hoedown The country's gone hoedown" "Its putting' its toe down And kicking' its heel" "Hoedown is really a rare dance" "A pioneer square dance But with a new deal" "One, two Swing your partner lightly" "While you hold her ever so tightly" "Hoedown And bring your best beau down" "We're facing a showdown And gotta make hay" "'Cause hoedown's on its way" "Hey!" "Hoedown And bring your best beau down" "We're facing a showdown And gotta make hay" "So hoedown Showdown" "Hoedown on its way" " Mr. Stone, you sent for us?" " Yes, I did." "I just received this letter from the Board of Trustees." "I'd like to read it to you." "Oh, here we are." ""We are sending you 20 refugee youngsters from the British war relief on the Fourth of July." "We want you to entertain them and show them what a real American Fourth of July is like."" "This is a great honor for us." ""A shortwave broadcast has been arranged and the English children will talk to their parents in London directly from the settlement house."" "The only difficulty is that the broadcast is scheduled for 3:00." "But that's the time that the block party is scheduled for." "Yes, I know, and I'm very sorry, Tommy." "But can't you postpone the block party till the following week?" " No, that's no good." " We'll never get a permit again." "Wait a minute." "You say they're gonna broadcast, huh?" "Well, why not hook up the broadcast with the block party?" "From the sidewalks of New York, straight to the Lambeth Walk, huh?" "Tommy, that's an excellent idea." "I'll speak to the board about it." " But, Tommy..." " Wait a minute." " You do that, will you?" " I will." "And I'll take care of everything." "Now, go on." "Go on, now." " I don't get it." " Neither do I." "Those Bundles from Britain will be a fine act for us to follow." " I hope they're a sensation." " What?" " Don't you get it?" " No." "Three Balls of Fire." "Flashlights, newsroom, radio." "Kids torn from their mothers, thrown into our laps and an international hookup." " I never thought of the publicity angle." "What a showcase." "This is the cause we've been looking for." "We've been worrying about kids that nobody cares about to the country." "We don't need them anymore." "Penny, it'll be no time until we'll be dancing right up on top of the..." "Penny, what's the matter?" "Did you say we don't even need those kids anymore?" "Penny..." "Why didn't you guys shut me up?" "Penny, I..." "If you'll only..." "What's the matter, did you run out of speeches?" "You know, you make me feel pretty awful." "Well, you shouldn't." "You're getting everything you wanted." "First, you wanted a cause." "Well, you got it." "Then you wanted a showcase." "Well, you got that too." "Then you wanted to get to Broadway." "Well, you're gonna get there." "Of course, you may knock down a few people and climb over them but you'll get there." "You're gonna be a big success." "You ought to be very happy." "Penny." "Gee, you said that as if you hated me." "That's silly." "I don't hate you." "I think you're wonderful." " Your talent, your ambition..." " Well, then, what's the matter?" "Nothing." "I just don't think you're Abraham Lincoln anymore, that's all." "Go on, there's your cue." "No, no." "This is your party." "Ladies and gentlemen I think it's wonderful the way you've turned out for our block party." "The purpose of this was to give you a sample of what you're gonna see later on." "And of course, to collect enough money to hire a theater." "We're gonna pass the hat now." "Everything we collect will go towards putting on our big show." "And we hope to raise enough money from that to send the settlement house kids to the country." "And now, there's someone that Mr. Stone feels that you ought to meet." "And nothing would have been possible without him." "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. Tommy Williams." "You really gave me away." "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you." "Thank you very much." "I, well..." "Well, in the face of all this, there's just nothing I can say." "For the first time in his life." "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a big surprise for you." "As our special guest today we have a group of young people all the way from London, England." "In a few moments, their mothers and fathers will be with us too by way of shortwave transatlantic hookup." "I now take great honor in presenting to you at this time our little cousins from across the sea." " Hello." "Hello, Mrs. Downing." " Yes, this is Mrs. Downing." "We have your daughter here." "All right, Elinor." " Hello?" "Mommy?" "Is that you?" " Hello, darling." "Yes." "How are you?" "Oh, splendid, Mommy." "I've gained 5 pounds." "How's Daddy and Rex?" "Daddy's fine." "Rex is wagging his tail right now." " How are you getting along, dear?" " Oh, hunky-dory." " What did you say?" " Hunky-dory." "That's American for "okay."" "Okay, Elinor." "Hello, Mr. Phillips." "Come in, Mr. Phillips." " Hello?" " Hello, son." "How are you, old boy?" "Fine." "I..." "I..." "Is that all you have to say for yourself?" "How do you like America?" "Fine little place." "Only they drive on the wrong side of the road." "Anything you want me to tell Grandmother?" "Oh, yes." "Tell her to change the mark on the kitchen wall." "I've grown a whole inch taller." "Good enough." "Keep growing, Robert." "We'll be seeing you soon." "Righto, governor." "Oh, tell Billy Hammond I'm learning to roller skate." "Thank you, Robert." "That was swell." "And now, London, I want to introduce little Barbara Jo Conway who is acting as official hostess to all your children at the Fourth of July celebration down here on the East Side of New York." "Hello?" "Hello, London?" "Can you hear me?" "Gosh, it's wonderful to have your children here." "We really wish you were here too." "And now we've got a special song for you and Penny Morris is gonna sing it for you." "Really, folks, I wish you could see her." "She's beautiful." "From the dark cafes of Paris" "From the streets of Amsterdam" "From the homes of old vienna" "To the shores of Uncle Sam" "Wherever freedom's hope is true" "Each heart cries out to you" "Don't give up, Tommy Atkins" "Be a stout fella" "Chin up!" "Cheerio!" "Carry on!" "Keep a stiff upper lip When you're in doubt, fella" "Chin up!" "Cheerio!" "Carry on!" "Oh, the sun's sure to smile On your tight little isle" "So hang on to your wits And you'll turn the blitz on Fritz" "There's a whole world behind you Shoutin', "Stout fella!"" "Chin up!" "Cheerio!" "Carry on!" "Don't give up, Tommy Atkins Be a stout fella" "Chin up!" "Cheerio!" "Carry on!" "Keep a stiff upper lip When you're in doubt, fella" "Chin up!" "Cheerio!" "Carry on!" "Oh, the sun's sure to smile On your tight little isle" "So hang on to your wits And you'll turn the blitz on Fritz" "There's a whole world behind you Shoutin', "Stout fella!"" "Chin up!" "Cheerio!" "Carry on!" "Don't give up, Tommy Atkins Be a stout fella" "Chin up!" "Cheerio!" "Carry on!" "Keep a stiff upper lip When you're in doubt, fella" "Chin up!" "Cheerio!" "Carry on!" "Oh, the sun's sure to smile On your tight little isle" "So hang on to your wits And you'll turn the blitz on Fritz" "There's a whole world behind you Shoutin', "Stout fella!"" "Chin up!" "Cheerio!" "Carry on!" "Carry on!" "I knew I never should have opened this show." "Thornton, don't let these small-town critics get you down." "Oh, a Boy Scout could tell what's wrong with this turkey." "It's tired, it's stale, it needs air." "All we need is a couple numbers and jokes." "Jokes?" "I expected someone to come out and say:" ""Who was that lady I seen you with last night?"" "Mason, call New York." "Get Jonesy on the phone." "I'll make a show of this yet." "Get me New York, Plaza 66601." "Say, how about changing the costumes on that hotel number?" "Sure, only we'll change the costumes and the music and the backdrop and the actors, every mother's ham of them." " What are you gonna do, close?" " Thornton Reed never closes." " Hello?" "Hello, Jonesy?" " Give me that." "Jonesy." "Oh, yes, Thornton." "Yes, I've seen the notices." "Yes, Thornton." "We need a new first-act finale and a new number in the second act." "Call every agent in New York, if you have to." "But be here tomorrow night sure and bring some performers with you that can sing and dance." "Yes, and for the love of Philadelphia, don't bring them in wheelchairs." "Get Marelli." "See if he can get Lane and Abbot for Mr. Reed immediately." " Excuse me." " Well, Tommy." "Have you seen your pictures in the papers?" "Yeah, say, how about that?" " Look, look." "Oh, I've got more too." " I suppose you'll send them to your mother?" "Yeah, she'll think I'm running for president." "All hokum aside, Jonesy, how did you like us last night?" "I was really impressed." "Well, if you like us, then we're on our way." "We got $42 last night and with your contribution, it makes 67." "All we need is a theater." "You find out about the old Duchess?" "Yes, and Mr. Reed still owns it." "But I'm afraid it won't be any good to you, Tommy." " Why not?" " Well, it hasn't been occupied in years." "Hasn't even any seats in it." "Well, it has a stage, hasn't it?" "Yes, but it's a warehouse." "Oh, we don't care." "We'll take it." "Here, I got the bread right with me." "Here." " Sixty-seven dollars." " No, Tommy." "I'd have to ask Mr. Reed." "And I can't bother him now." "He's having so much trouble." "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Marelli." "Did you get them?" "But Mr. Reed will give them 1500 and feature billing." "All right, Marelli." "Yes, I know you tried." "Thank you." "Don't see why he wouldn't let us have it for one night." "We'd fix it up and everything." "The Duchess?" "No, no, Tommy." "That's completely out of the question." "Poor Thornton." "I don't know what I'm going to do." "Look, you don't happen to know of an act a good group that could be spotted a couple of times in Mr. Reed's show?" " Sure, I do." " Who?" "Where?" " Right here." "The Three Balls of Fire." " No, no, Tommy, I need a big act." "Twelve, 15 people, and a singer." "What about our group and Penny?" "How about the act we did yesterday?" " It stopped traffic." "You said so yourself." " I wonder..." "No, no, no." "Thornton wouldn't..." "I don't know why not, though." "Look, could you get that wonderful girl?" "What's her name?" " Penny." "Penny Morris?" " Yes, could you get her?" "Your gang from the drugstore." "Get them together and rehearse." "Do the number tomorrow afternoon at a matinee exactly as you did it last night." "You mean that?" "You mean?" "You mean it?" "We're gonna...?" "!" "Yes, for Mr. Reed's show tomorrow in Philadelphia." "Tomorrow." "Sure, why not?" "All right." "Get them all together." "Be here in my office at 5:00." "We're taking the 6:00 train for Philadelphia, and may heaven have mercy on my soul." "Six o'clock, 5:00." "We'll be here." "Okay!" "All aboard for Philadelphia!" "Don't move!" "Stay where you are!" "Stop me if I sound crazy but tonight, you, me, and all the kids from the drugstore are leaving on the train and tomorrow in Philadelphia, we open in Thornton Reed's new show!" "You think I'm crazy, but I'm not." "We're going tonight." "No luck, eh?" "Hallelujah." "Truth will out, talent will tell!" " Now, wait...?" " I can see it now." "Tommy Williams, Penny Morris, the Balls of Fire in lights as big as coconuts!" "Success!" "Success, in three easy lessons." "Now what do you think of Williams?" " I think Williams is still Williams." " What?" "!" "You're going to Philadelphia?" "Without me, because..." "Without you?" "Penny, are you crazy?" "This is it." "What are you talking about?" "The same thing." "Those little kids we promised..." "That was before." "Thornton Reed, he's in trouble." "If we can save this show, we can land our own ticket." "What about Hammy, Ray, all the kids at the drugstore?" "They waited all their lives for a shot like this." "But Reed's got a million dollars." "And you and I and Hammy and Ray can hang on till we get another chance." " But, gosh, those little kids..." " No." "Oh, Tommy, don't you see?" "It's not the two weeks in the country that's gonna cure them." "It's giving a kid something he's dreamed about so maybe he won't feel like there's nothing left to go on for later." "Gosh, I wanna go to Philadelphia just as much as you do." "But if I did it, it would be just like stealing their stockings off the Christmas tree." "I can't do that." "I just can't, that's all." "You don't get the point at all." "I'm talking about the lives and careers of 15 people." "Artists." "I'm talking about Tommy Williams and Penny Morris, the performers." "That has nothing to do with kids getting to the country." "Let's get to be stars first and then we can..." "Never mind, don't bother." "You haven't heard anything I've said." " Don't make me do anything I regret..." " Go on!" "Go to Philadelphia!" "I hope you stop the show!" "Well, all right, then." "I'll get it fixed!" "Mr. Williams!" "Mr. Williams!" "Mr. Williams, I've been looking for you all morning..." " I'm sorry, I'm awfully busy." " Please, it's awfully important." "Everybody's waiting in the auditorium." "Well, all right, hurry up, I've got an appointment." "Thanks a lot." "It'll only take a minute." "Hey, what's this all about?" " What do you want?" " Come on." " Look, here he comes!" "Here he comes!" " Here he comes!" " Yeah." " Come on!" "Well, Mr. Williams, all the kids and myself we had a meeting of the executive committee and we were talking about how you gave up a big Broadway show to do all this for us and we weren't doing anything for you." "Well, that's not right." "There's been a lot of talk around this place about getting us to the country." "But nobody ever did anything about it except you." "You just walked right in and didn't listen to anybody." "And now we're going." "After all the promises, we're really going." "Well, well, we just wanna say thank you." "But with 50 kids to do it, it would take an awful long time." "We know you're a busy man." "So we all chipped in and bought you a present, and here it is." "You shouldn't have." "You shouldn't have done this, because I..." "Don't you like it?" "Sure, sure I like it." "It's swell." "In fact, it's one of the nicest presents I've ever seen." "You shouldn't have spent the money on me, though." "But I'm glad you did, because every time I look at this watch I'm gonna see every one of your faces and gonna remember what a swell gang you are." "Honest, you'll never know what it means to me." "All I can say is that I haven't even started to earn it." "But I will." "And after it's all over with and all through I hope that you'll be glad that you gave it to me." "And you don't have to worry about the country because you're not only going, but you're gonna go first class too." "Penny." "Penny." " Hello, Mr. Stone." " How do you do?" "Oh, excuse me." "Is Penny here?" " I think she's up on the roof." " Oh, thanks." "Penny..." "You better hurry." "You're gonna miss that train." "I just have one more speech to make and I have to make it." "You don't have to listen if you don't want to." "Go ahead, I'm listening." "All my life, I've been rehearsing myself to be a big man and it's taken me just five minutes to find out that I'm only a heel." "Bunch of little kids chip in their nickels and dimes to buy me a $5 watch marked down to 3.50." "There it is." "And I'm so ashamed at myself that it took a bunch of 6-year-olds to make me realize that there's more to life than just a song, a dance and an encore." "And that there's more to people than just sitting out front, being an audience." "Well, it's half past 1 and that's the end of my speech." "Oh, Tommy, that's a wonderful speech." "And life begins at half past 1." "Penny, I've got a couple of words I wanna say to you just this time, sitting down." "Only a couple?" "Well, really three." "Well, go ahead and say them and get them over with." "Oh, I could say "I love you" just like all the rest of them." "That's still good, you know." "But it wouldn't tell you what I really mean." "I'll settle for it." "Oh, no, you're not gonna talk me out of my love scene." "Were you ever in a rainstorm and you felt like you were the only person in the world that wasn't getting wet?" "Did you ever look up and see a full moon and well, it only looked like a half a moon to you because you were looking at it all alone?" "Penny, did you ever find someone and and all of a sudden, you felt like you were taking off, right out into space like a propeller going round and round and round, 30,000 revolutions a minute and there wasn't any landing fields left in the world?" "I've had that feeling." "And it all started in a drugstore." " Penny." " Yeah?" "Tommy." "Oh, isn't it wonderful what you can find these days in drugstores?" " Yeah." " Oh, gosh." "And that's about all there is to it." "I know, it even sounds crazy to me, but that's the way it has to be." "Well, I guess I'll have to send these railroad tickets back, then." "Gee, I hate to have you do that." " Maybe if I..." " Tommy." "I hope you don't think we're ungrateful, Miss Jones because you've been simply wonderful but this is the way Tommy and I have decided to do it." "Isn't it, Tommy?" "Yeah, yeah, that's what we've decided." "You're giving up this great opportunity to help a bunch of kids you hardly know." "Helping people's hard work, isn't it?" "Don't you worry." "You'll find it's worthwhile at the oddest times and the strangest places." "How soon can you get your show together?" "Our show?" "Oh, in about 10 days." "Yeah, our only problem is getting a theater." "Well, there's no problem now." " You mean we can have the old Duchess?" " Yes." "No, put your bread away." "If the theater's any good to you you can have it as Thornton's contribution to the cause." "He doesn't even have to know." "It's on Gilmore Street, about seven blocks from the settlement house." " How about that?" " It's wonderful, I don't know what to say." "Don't say anything." "Just get your show started and make it good." "Thornton doesn't know it, and he won't until I'm ready to tell him but he's gonna see your show in his theater from the front row." " Oh, you see, Tommy?" " Yeah." "But Miss Jones, won't Mr. Reed be angry?" "Very likely." "That's why it's got to be good." "Otherwise, I'll find myself in the country with the rest of the kids." "Gosh." "Isn't it beautiful?" "It's kind of run-down, isn't it?" "It's wonderful." "Well, maybe after we clean it up and brighten it a little but right now, it's giving me the creeps." " It does?" " It's kind of like a haunted house." "Penny, every theater is a haunted house." "Ghosts with greasepaint ghosts that sing and dance and laugh and cry." "You should think of all the shows that have been in this theatre." "Flops, successes, bad shows, great shows." "You can't tell me that that ever dies." "It's all around us right now, all the laughter and applause, cheers." "Why, it's on every inch of this old stage up here." " Do you see what I mean?" " Yeah, I see what you mean." "Then when new ones come along, kids like us that love the theatre just as much as they did they're glad and they're rooting for us." "They're saying, "This is your chance." "Go on out there, we've had ours, now it's your turn." "There's your audience." "They're waiting for you."" "Can't you just see it now?" "Look." "The leader taps his stand with his stick." "The music starts." "The footlights gradually come up." "This is that one breathless moment when everything in the world comes to a stop." "Over in the wings, the light man at the board reaches for the switch." "Now the hands that pull the curtain are on the rope, waiting for the cue." "The curtain rises slowly." "I never saw them, but I feel as though I'd been here watching them every night." "Richard Mansfield in Cyrano de Bergerac." "I know just how he felt, standing there, waiting for his cue." "Your nose is rather large." " Have you quite finished, sir?" " I should say that is sufficient." "You humdrum dolt." "How dare you insult a splendid nose with such meager, piddling words?" "Let me show you what you might have said had you had an ounce yes, even an ounce of imagination or wit." "To wit, insolent." "What do you do with that nose when drinking?" "Does it go above the glass or below the glass, for surely, it does not fit inside." "Descriptive." "It's a rock." "It's a mountain." "What am I saying, a mountain?" "It's a peninsula." "Eloquent." "What is that dazzling thing, sir?" "Is it a torch?" "A bonfire?" "A volcano?" "Stamp it out before it blinds my eyes." " Buffoon." " Who, me?" "So be it." "Prepare to die exquisitely." " Poet." " Yes, poet." "Swordsman, take your choice." "No, wait." "You shall have both." "For while I fight with you, I shall compose a ballad and with the last line of my poem, my sword shall run you through." "Swiftly, my hat is tossed aside." "Slowly, my cloak is allowed to fall over my left free arm." "And to draw and we stand on guard." "Lunge, and my sword is met with yours." "Dancers of steel that dazzle the eye." "Back you go, in time to my verse." "And then, when I have finished my song, you die." "Pray now, while you still have life." "Prince, pray, with your final sigh." "Stay, look sharp, I've run out of verse." "And now, as I finish my song, you die" "For it is Mary, Mary" "Plain as any name can be" "But with propriety" "Society will say "Marie"" "But it was Mary, Mary" "Long before the fashions came" "And there is something there That sounds so square" "It's a grand old name" "But it was Mary, Mary" "Long before the fashions came" "And there is something there" "That sounds so square" "It's a grand old name" "For she's my Daisy" "My bonnie Daisy" "She's as sweet as sugar candy" "And she's very fond of Sandy" "And I worry for my dearie" "I would rather lose my kilt Than lose my Daisy" "For I would rather lose my kilt Than lose my Daisy" "Sure, I've got rings on my fingers And bells on my toes" "Elephants to ride upon My little Irish rose" "So come to your nabob On next Patrick's Day" "Be Mistress Mumbo-Jumbo Jij-Ji-Bo J. O'Shea" "Sure, I've got rings on my fingers And bells on my toes" "Elephants to ride upon My little Irish rose" "So come to your nabob On next Patrick's Day" "Be Mistress Mumbo-Jumbo Jij-Ji-Bo J. O'Shea" "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy Yankee Doodle do or die" "A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam I was born on the 4th of July" "I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart She's my Yankee Doodle joy" "Yankee Doodle came to London Just to ride the ponies" "Say, I am a Yankee Doodle Boy" "He's a Yankee Doodle Dandy A Yankee Doodle do or die" "A real live nephew of his Uncle Sam Born on the 4th of July" "I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart" "She's my Yankee Doodle joy" "Yankee Doodle came to London Just to ride the ponies" "I am a Yankee Doodle boy" " Come in." " Oh, Tommy, they're beautiful." " Maybe I should have got a dozen more." " No, one would have been enough." "Once, you told me I was gonna be dancing on top of the world and tonight, I'm all filled up with things I've been saving to say but now that the time is here, I guess I'll just go on and say them, huh?" "But, Tommy... oh, no, don't go." "I want to thank you too." "You've done so much and I guess I'll never be happier than I am tonight." " Hey, Tommy, your mother's here." " Oh, Mom!" "How are you?" "Wait a minute." "What are you doing, working your way through college?" "I bought them all on the train." "I was saving them for you." "You've grown a little, haven't you?" "Mom, I'd like you to meet some of my friends." "No, no, no." "Don't tell me." "This is Penny, of course." "I'm awful glad to meet you." "How'd you know it was me?" "Tommy writes such wonderful descriptions." " And of course, this is Hammy." " No, Mom, that's Ray." "In back of you, that's Hammy." " Of course, the one with the blank verse." " That's him." " Fifteen minutes." " I've got to go." "Excuse me." "I'll see you after the show." "And here." "This is for recognizing me." "You go on out and get your seat now." "See you after the show." "You come back, if you'll talk to me." "Here it is, son, this wonderful minute, just as we talked about it so many times." "Yeah, sort of jumped up on top of us, huh?" "Yes, and the funniest thing is I'm not the least bit nervous." "No, no, of course, you're not." "Of course, you're not." "Here." "Give me a kiss for good luck, huh?" " You got your tickets?" " Yes." " I'll see you after the show." "Bye." " All right." "Gosh, what a peach of a mom, huh?" " I wish Jonesy and Reed would get here." " Don't worry, Jonesy won't let us down." " You think he'll go for us?" " He'll go for us." "I hope they don't leave before our big number." "With Jonesy on one side and mom on the other, I'm taking the short end of the bet." " Ten minutes." " Hey, we'd better hurry." "I'm gonna go out front and see the house, huh?" "Be right back." " Mr. Williams, how do I look?" " You look swell, Barbara Jo." " Good luck to you." " Thanks." "Tommy Williams." "My boy." "Acting since he was that high." " Tommy." "Hey, Tommy." " Yeah?" " She's here." "Jones." " Oh, swell." "Excuse me, Maria." "Jonesy, am I glad to see you." "Where is he?" " He's not here, Tommy." " Not here?" "I'm terribly sorry, Tommy." "Does that mean he's not coming?" "You promised us..." "I know I promised you, Tommy, but I just couldn't ask him." "The poor guy is going crazy in Philadelphia." "The show isn't doing any business." "They're rewriting, recasting." "On top of all that, he twisted his ankle." "I had to sneak out of town myself." "Never mind, we'll put the show on, it'll be great and he'll hear about it." " Won't he, Jonesy?" " Overture's in." "Come on, Tommy, you're gonna be late." "Hurry up." "Everybody, come here for a minute." "Come on around me." "Come on." "Wait a minute." "I got something to tell you." "This is the first time in years that the curtain's gone up in the old Duchess." "Let's make them glad they didn't tear it down, huh?" "What do you say?" "Come on, places, everybody!" " Run for your lives!" " Stay where you are!" " Make a lot of noise!" " Keep still!" "A bombshell just fell over Brazil" " Lay down your arms" " Run up your flags" "You'll surrender to this jill" "This bombshell that fell over Brazil" "Her contribution To the art of elocution" "Is apt to start a revolution Among the ladies at the Ritz" "In Rio de Janeiro When she sings "Mamae Eu Quero"" "Every local caballero Admits that it's a blitz" "So give up the ship Throw in the sponge" "Get ready for a great big thrill" "For here comes That bombshell from Brazil" "Hey, Ma!" " How was it?" " Sensational." " You murdered them." " Come on, we only got a minute to change." "I was nervous." "I forgot the second chorus." " You were great." "Keep on being nervous." " Don't forget..." " Who's Tommy Williams?" " I am." "I'm Inspector Moriarity." "Who are these two apples?" " They're my partners." " Your partners?" "What do you think you're doing?" "We're in the middle of a number." "We're on stage in a minute." " Come back around..." " Slow down, Mr. Ziegfeld." " You ain't putting on any show." " What do you mean?" " We're not putting on a show?" " Who says?" "State of New York, City of New York, board of health, and fire commission." "Shall I go on?" "We're putting on a show." "People bought tickets." "They're out in front now." "That's what I'm talking about." "You can't lock people in a firetrap." "This theatre's been condemned for 15 years." " I don't believe it." " It's a plot." "Mr. Moriarity, you can't stop the show." "Please, don't stop it." " Fifty little kids that never saw the sunlight." " With rickets." "We've worked day and night like dogs, like slaves." "My mother, she..." "I know all about the kids and I've got a mother too but if that audience isn't out of there in 15 minutes, I'll have to call the 8th Precinct." " Mr. Moriarity, couldn't you...?" " I'm sorry, fellas, I know how you feel." "I almost was in a show myself once." " Tommy." "Tommy!" " Come in." "Come on." "The orchestra's played your cue three times." "Aren't you coming out on the stage?" "Yeah, I'm coming out." "Bet I get a million laughs too." "Ladies and gentlemen I'm terribly sorry, but something unexpected has come up and we will not be able to continue the show." "It's some fire regulation or something like that, something we knew nothing about." "And I'm awfully sorry that we can't give the show because it's really a wonderful show and I'm sure that you would have all liked it." "Anyhow, we want to thank each and every one of you for coming here and having faith in us and trying to help the send the kids to the country." "Everybody did their best." "So if you will stop by the box office on your way out why, your money will be cheerfully refunded." "Thank you." "Tommy, don't eat your heart out." "You did the best you could and we're awful proud of you." "Yeah." "Everybody did their best and where did it get us?" "Right out in left field." "No, don't help yourself, help everybody else." "Be a Santa Claus, make sacrifices." "If you can do that for the rest of your life you'll be a big success, when you're about 165 years old." " Tommy, you don't mean that." " You can bet I do." "Where did it get us?" "No money for the kids, no show chance with Thornton Reed blown right out of the window." "Tommy, you mustn't let it make you bitter, please." "Faith, hope and charity." "Take those kids and wrap them in cellophane and give them back to the Indians." "From now on, it's the old rules for me." "I'll get a chance again." "When I do, look out." "Because I'm gonna take anything from anybody, at any time, any place." " Tommy, I..." " No." "Mr. Williams." "They didn't take it." "They didn't take it." " Didn't take what?" " Come on, you tell him, Mr. Stone, tell him." "Tommy, it's amazing." "Everybody went right by the box office." " They wouldn't take their money back." " Some of them gave money besides." "Seven hundred and forty dollars." "Isn't it wonderful?" "We got all the money to go to the country." "Now there's no need for putting on a show at all." "Yeah." "You're right." "There's no need in putting a show on at all." "Tommy." "Mr. Stone, there's something I'd like to say." "I know that the main purpose is getting Barbara Jo and the kids to the country but there's something else that we have to take into consideration." "Tommy and his friends gave up a lot more than most of you know about." "Getting this show on to them is just as important as going to the country." "So I think that it would be fair if we let him decide if he wants to use this money to hire a theatre and get his chance to put the show on." "And they can go to the country later on, maybe next year." "Well, I don't know what to say." "What do you think, Josephine?" "Well, I suppose if it's fair." "Sure, we can go later on." "You'd give this to me?" "Sure, if it's fair." "No, Jo." "You're not only going to the country, but you're leaving tomorrow morning." " Mr. Williams." " Splendid." "Where are they?" "It's ridiculous, fantastic fabulous." "I absolutely can't believe it." "I want to find how anyone could do a thing like this to me." " Where are they?" " Thornton." "It's Thornton." " Mr. Reed?" "I thought he was in Philadelphia." " Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit." "Who'd...?" "There you are!" "I knew you had a hand in this fiasco." "Now, Thornton, don't get excited." "We only..." "I've got a $ 100,000 turkey in Philadelphia and what do I get?" "Fire commission, board of health, police department, warrants for my arrest!" "Thornton, I'm terribly sorry, it's all my fault." "But there's no harm done." "No harm done?" "They bring me back to town as though I were a criminal!" "I thought they were crazy." "A show in my own theatre and I don't even know it." "Thornton, unravel." "There isn't any show and there isn't going to be one." "Wait a minute, maybe..." "Mr. Reed, will you listen to me for just a minute?" "Mr. Reed, I'm so glad you're here." "It's against the law to put our show on for an audience." "There's no law against putting it on for you." "You didn't buy a ticket!" "Now she wants to sell me a ticket!" " Mason?" " Yes, sir." "No, no, Mr. Reed, dear Mr. Reed, we spent weeks and weeks." "We gave up everything." "All we want you to do is just sit down." "I've got trouble enough without amateur...!" " Quick, Tommy, get them ready." " Yeah." "Bring the curtain down." "Mr. Morris, hurry." "Get the orchestra in the pit." "Please, just watch this one number, especially Tommy Williams." "And I give you my word of honor, it won't hurt a bit." "Come on, Daddy, the overture." "Here we are, six characters Depressed and melancholy" "Here we are, six characters In search of a finale" "We've racked our brains And taxed our minds" "To find a trick that's new" "But still we haven't got The slightest idea what to do" "We might try a Russian ballet But a ballet might disclose" "That I am more athletic Than aesthetic on my toes" "Say, how about a circus?" "We could all go acrobatic" "Now, here's a trick I learned in school To strengthen my sciatic" "We could all go South American And cut a South American rug" "But I'd never arrive I ain't hep to their jive" "I'm just a Brooklyn jitterbug" "Hold everything..." "I've got it, pals Let's do an aquacade" "It's true that I can't swim a stroke But you ought to see me wade" "What's wrong with doing something old?" "Something tried and true" "Well, how about a minstrel show?" "Does that appeal to you?" "A good old-fashioned minstrel show" " That suits us" " Well, then let's go!" "Go and tell New York To grab a piece of cork" "And join that blackout over Broadway" "Everybody's gonna be dancin' on air" "When they hear them Playing "Swanee River" in Times Square" "Every southern lass Is gonna cook with gas" "And boy, that southern cookin's okay" "And when you hear that moan On the slide trombone" "You'll wanna black up For that blackout over Broadway" "Go and tell the town They ought to come on down" "And join that blackout over Broadway" "You'll see Andrew Jackson Brown Straight from the south" "And if he don't entertain you You can shut my mouth" "There'll be so much fun That long before we're done" "Those angels up in heaven will say" ""Ain't got no time to stall Spread your wings, you all" "And start to black up For that blackout over Broadway"" "Every southern lass Is gonna cook with gas" "And boy, that southern cookin's okay" "And when you hear that moan On the slide trombone" "You'll wanna black up For that blackout over Broadway!" "Gentlemen, be seated." "Mr. Tambo, Mr. Tambo How do you do?" "And incidentally, how do you feel?" "Well, now, I feels just like a stovepipe Nothing else, buddy" "You feels just like a stovepipe?" "Yeah, sooty" "Now, Mr. Bones, Mr. Bones It's good to see you" "And incidentally, Mr. Bones How do you feel?" "How does I feel?" "Well, man, I feels just like A fireplace here of late" "You say you feels just like a fireplace?" "I said it, I feels grate" "We all expect some dancing When the minstrels come to town" "So now may I present to you" "Mr. Rufus Rastus Jefferson Davis Brown" "By the light of the silvery moon" "I want to spoon By the light of the moon" "To my honey, I'll croon love's tune" "Honey moon, keep a-shinin' in June The month of June" "Your silvery beams Will bring love's dreams" "We'll be cuddling' soon Oh, make it soon" "By the silvery moon" "By the silvery moon" "By the silvery moon" "Oh, Mr. Interlocutor Could there be something wrong?" "We are waiting just To hear Mr. Tambo do his song" "Mr. Tambo Do you feel good and strong?" "Then get right up and show the folks How you can sing that song" "I hear tell there's a stranger In the Jones household" " Yes, sirree, yes, sirree" " That's what I'm told" "I hear tell there's a new arrival Six days old" " Yes, sirree, yes, sirree" " Worth his wait in gold" "Come right in And meet the son" "Christening's done Time to have some fun" " Yes, sirree, yes, sirree" " Yes, sirree" "Yes, sirree, yes, sirree" "It's a big holiday everywhere" "For the Jones family Has a brand-new heir" "He's a joy, heaven-sent And we proudly present" "Mr. Franklin D. Roosevelt Jones" "When he grows up He never will stray" "With a name Like the one that he's got today" "When he walks down the street Folks will say" ""Pleased to meet Mr. Franklin D. Roosevelt Jones "" "What a smile And how he shows it" "He'll be happy all day long" "What a name I'll bet he knows it" "With that handle How can he go wrong?" "And the folks in the town all agree" "He'll be famous As famous as he can be" "How can he be a dud Or a stick-in-the-mud" "When he's Franklin D. Roosevelt Jones?" "Go to sleep, my baby" "And maybe you'll balance the budget By and by" "Oh, you're a lucky baby With Franklin D. For your name" "Mrs. Jones' baby boy Is a welcome resident" "Give him a fishing rod for a toy He's the future president" "When this rascal goes to school ABC's won't matter" "Teach him plain old 'rithmetic And of course, some fireside chatter" "My friends, my friends Let's all shout hooray!" "It's a big holiday everywhere" "For the Jones family Has a brand-new heir" "We'll be proud to affirm When he serves his fourth term" " Just you wait and see" " Yeah!" " He'll make history" " Yeah!" "'Cause he's Franklin D. Roosevelt Jones!" "Oh, ring, ring the banjo For Franklin Roosevelt Jones" "But when you hear the banjo" "It's played by Mr. Bones" "Way down on the levee In old Alabamy" "There's Daddy and Mammy There's Ephraim and Sammy" "On a moonlight night You can find them all" "While they are waitin' The banjos are syncopatin'" "Oh, what's that they're sayin'?" "Oh, what's that they're sayin'?" "While they keep playin' And humming' and swayin'" "It's the good ship Robert E. Lee That's here to carry the cotton away" "Watch them shuffling' along See them shuffling' along" "Go take your best gal Your real pal" "Go down on the levee I said to the levee" "And we'll join that shuffling' throng Hear that music and song" "It's simply great, mate Waitin' on the levee" "Waitin' for the Robert E. Lee!" "We're babes on Broadway" "We're goin' places When our new faces appear" "It's a wonderful street For babes like us to be on" "We're here because We want our names in neon" "We left Topeka We left Eureka" "And came to seek a career" "Oh, we're milking' applause Instead of milking' a cow" "'Cause we're babes on Broadway now!"