"(music) Thank you for being a friend" "(music) Traveled down the road and back again" "(music) Your heart is true" "(music) You're a pal and a confidante" "(music) And if you threw a party" "(music) Invited everyone you knew" "(music) You would see The biggest gift would be from me" "(music) And the card attached would say" "(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)" "Oh, hello." "We have a 2:00 appointment with Dr. Ashley." "The name is Zbornak." "My name's not Zbornak." "My name is Devereaux." "But the appointment is in the name of Zbornak." "Why your name?" "It was my idea to get counseling." "Take the appointment for Zbornak and change it to Nylund." "You satisfied?" "The appointment should be under Devereaux." " Under Nylund." " Change it back to Zbornak." "Put it under Lipschitz and buzz the head shrinker." "We got an emergency here." " [Door opens]" " Ladies." "I'm Dr. Ashley." "Come into my office." "I'm Sophia Petrillo, and my idea of a good psychiatrist is a bartender who pours without a spout." " Doctor, I'm Dorothy Zbornak." " Dorothy." " I'm Rose Nylund." " Rose." "I'm Blanche Devereaux." "It's not pertinent at the moment, but I'm double-jointed." "That's very interesting." "Dr. Ashley, the reason we came is that we're roommates having problems at home that we need to work out." "Before we get to the nitty-gritty, tell me a little about yourselves." " Fine." "I'm a teacher." "I'm divorced." " [Blanche] I'm a widow." "No man would leave me unless he absolutely had to." "I'm 41 years old, I'm 5'6", I weigh 108 pounds, and my hair is its natural hue." "Sure, Blanche." "Yours and Lucy's." "What about you, Rose?" "Well, to be perfectly honest, I use a touch of peroxide." " Oh, shut up, Rose." " You shut up." "Now, stop it." "Stop it!" "I cannot stand it anymore!" "You know what I can't stand?" "That phony accent of yours." "What is this, Designing Women?" "We have been together for five years." "We're getting on each other's nerves." "Why is that?" " Dorothy is impossible to live with." " That's right." "The real problem is you, Blanche." "You are selfish." "Oh, please." "Everybody says what a giving person I am." "She's talking about when you're in an upright position." "Dorothy, give an example of how Blanche is selfish." "All right, fine." "Let's say, oh, about a month ago," "I was not feeling very well." "I was sick as a dog." "[Door opens]" "I'll be ready in a minute." "I had Hannah do my makeup while my pedicure was drying, so all I have to do is change my shoes." "Wait a minute." "What are you doing?" "I think I'm dying." "But then again, this 104 fever may be clouding my judgment." "Look at what you're wearing." "You can't go like that." "I think the funeral home has someone who handles that, Blanche." "But thank you for caring." "I'm talking about our double date." "Good grief!" "This place looks like a hospital ward." "Mike and Larry will be here any minute." "Blanche, I can't go out tonight." "Look at me." "But, Dorothy, you've looked much worse than this." "Remember that time you gave yourself a home perm, burnt your hair right down to the roots and ended up looking like Buckwheat?" "I meant, Blanche, that I am sick." "I can barely stand." "You'll just have to go on without me." "Go on without you?" "This is not a wagon train." "This is a double date." "It doesn't work that way." "It's both of us or nothing." "You'll just have to cancel your date, too." "Cancel my date?" "With Larry?" "Dorothy, how long have you been inhaling this VapoRub?" "Blanche..." "Dorothy, I have been waiting for Larry to ask me out ever since our eyes first met at Del's Route 1 Chevron." "I climbed on the hood of his LeBaron and wrote my phone number on his windshield with the heel of my Pappagallo pump." "Isn't that how Mrs. Simpson met the Duke of Windsor?" "You promised you would double-date with Larry's friend Mike." " I am holding you to that promise." " Blanche, I'm sick." " Oh, you just have a cold." " [Coughing, wheezing]" "See?" "You just have a little tickle in your throat." " All right, come on!" "Let's go!" " Blanche, please!" "Please!" "My body aches." "So does mine, honey." "That's why I wanna go out on this date." "Blanche, I am miserable!" "It is mind over matter." "Now, you can do it." "You can get up." "You feel better already." "You're not sick anymore." "You can heal yourself!" "Walk, Dorothy!" "Walk!" "Just because you put your makeup on with a butter knife doesn't make you Tammy Bakker." "Oh, forget it, Blanche." "I'm not gonna kill myself because you have the hots for some guy in a fancy car." "Dorothy, Larry is very important to me." "You picked him up at a gas station." "He must've been impressed with your spare tire." " I cannot believe you are doing this." " I can't believe you are so selfish." "Pussycat, drink this." "It'll make you feel better." "Oh, Ma, another hot toddy?" "I think I've had enough." "Shut up and drink." "This is the fourth one." "That's a lot of whiskey." "I only put whiskey in the first one." "We ran out." "Oh." "The second and third were vodka." "[Groans] No wonder my head is spinning." "This one's part Amaretto, part Sambuca." "That should kill everything." "Killed your father." "Dorothy?" "Dorothy!" "She's out cold." "The fever takes a lot out of you." "Sophia, help me get her into the bedroom." "She's comfortable here." "Oh, all right." "I'll just prop her up a little." "Mike's not that particular." "He just got out of prison." "It was absolutely dreadful." "I spent the evening going in and out of consciousness while a guy with a silver tooth and a scorpion tattoo on his arm tried to grope me through the Vicks VapoRub." "Oh, stop your complaining." "Mike was a very nice man." "He burned down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were runny." "Blanche, you owe Dorothy an apology." " Shut up, Rose." " Don't you tell me to shut up." " Okay, I will." "Shut up, Rose." " You see the way they pick on me?" "They're always telling me to shut up." "Why is that?" " Well, it could be..." " Every time I open my mouth," " Rose..." " they jump on me." "They say I babble." "I don't babble." "People who babble..." "Shut up, Rose!" "I mean I think things would be more productive if we conducted things in a more orderly fashion." "But you see what we put up with." "She's an airhead." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, you're a barbell." "That's a dumbbell, you twit!" "Ladies, ladies, please calm down." "Who can give us an example that will illustrate exactly what you're trying to say about Rose?" "I've got the perfect example." "Dorothy was on vacation, looking for a part-time job, so she asks Rose to put her ad in the classifieds." "Well, that was a mistake to begin with right away." " Rose, it is not here." " Look again." "It has to be." "I have read every want ad in the paper." "Mine is not here." "Are you sure you dropped it at the newspaper?" "You told me what you wanted me to do a dozen times." "Any idiot could've done it." "I know, but you were the only one going downtown." "Are you sure that you dropped it off at the newspaper office?" "Yes." "Six people called while you were out." "Give that to me." "I'll try and find it for you." "[Doorbell rings]" " Dorothy?" " Have we met?" "Not yet." "I'm here because of your ad in the paper:" ""Willing to do anything, $8.00 an hour, no job too big or small."" "Of course." "Please come in." "I didn't expect people to actually come here." "I just figured that I would be going to them." "That's the way it'll work in the future when my video camera gets back from the shop." "What type of work is it that you need done, Mr..." " Toto." " Mr. Toto." "Oh, no "Mister." Just Toto." "You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto." "At least for the next $8.00." "Dorothy, you owe me an apology." "Your ad's right here." "Oh, Rose, this is the personals column." " So what?" " So what?" "You put an ad in the personals that said I will do anything for $8.00 an hour?" "Look." "It's right under an ad that reads," ""History professor seeking nonsmoking Oriental woman" ""who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."" " Is that signed "Doug"?" " Yes." "I know him." "He's a sick man." "Well, I'm terribly sorry for this mix-up." "Good-bye." "Oh, my God!" "I don't believe this!" "I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here, you pervert!" "Hi, Father Rossi." "Here's the canned goods for the needy." "Oh, no." "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." "I promise I will say Hail Mary's until Madonna has a hit movie." "Hi." "Here's my $8.00." "Let's get started, Dorothy." "Oh, I'm not Dorothy." "She is." "I'll give $4.00." "Let's get started." "How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?" "Great!" "Here's the other $4.00!" "Girls!" "Girls!" "There is a busload of Greek sailors out front." "They wanna know how many drachma there are in $8.00." "It didn't turn out well, but it was an honest mistake." "Besides, something good came out of it." "We learned to make souvlaki." "Rose, you do this kind of stupid thing all the time." "If you're not doing something stupid, you're wearing something stupid or cooking something stupid." "Rose, what do you think of Blanche saying these things?" "I think she's a garconanokin." "What exactly does that mean?" "Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white." "But in general, it refers to the kind of person you don't wanna share your hoogencoggles with." "Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words..." " Blow it out your tubenburbles!" " [Arguing]" "If I have to live with her one more week..." "Ladies!" "Ladies, please!" "We're not going to get anything more accomplished unless you sit down, take it easy and discuss this rationally using only English words." "Now, we talked about Rose." "We talked about Blanche." "Nobody has said a word about Dorothy." "They're afraid of her." "We are not." "But we do have a problem with her." "What specifically is it about Dorothy that is disruptive to the household?" "It's nothing specific." "It's her entire general attitude." "Yeah, like that time a couple weeks ago, week before last." " [Knocking]" " Come in." "Hi, Dorothy." " Oh, hi, Rose." " How's the studying going?" "I have a lot to cover." "I'm gonna be up for a while." " Okay." "I'll keep you company." " I don't want any company." "Just pretend I'm not here." "Oh, goody." "A slumber party." "Mind if I join you?" "What is the matter with you two?" "Something's the matter?" "Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!" "The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is... we're scared." "Scared?" "Of what?" "Dorothy, don't you laugh, but..." "we're scared of the aliens." "How many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"?" "They are the Chungs, and they happen to be very nice." "They're not very nice." "They eat dogs." "Ma, they do not eat dogs." "Right." "It's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn." "Ma, you made that up." "Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway." "We're talking about aliens from space." "Oh, those aliens." "Get out, both of you!" "Have a heart." "Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death." "Scared me, too." "That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup." "I don't have time for this!" "Now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning." " You're kicking us out?" " Rose, I have to study." "That's my Dorothy." "Always with her nose in a book." "Unlike your brother Phil, who was with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper." "I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this, their time of need." "I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate you would disturb me with something ridiculous when you know how important my exam is." " If I don't pass, I don't get my raise." " That's it." "Everybody out." "Sophia, we're scared!" "I'm scared we won't be able to afford meat on the table." "You wanna wind up swapping recipes with the Chungs?" "Out!" "Out!" " Ladies, I'm not sure I understand." " What do you want, subtitles?" "What I mean is Dorothy was perfectly reasonable." "She was more than patient." "Exactly." "And I've had it up to here with her." "It's not easy living with somebody who's always so together." "She's so efficient, so organized." "She even balances her checkbook." "Since when is competence a crime?" "Look, Dorothy cannot be blamed for being capable." "She doesn't have to lord it over us and criticize us for not living up to her standards." "She's always harping on us to do everything just right." "I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house." "Those of you who wear underwear." "Maybe I am a perfectionist and maybe I do take charge, but if I did not, our whole household would fall apart." "To tell you the truth, Doctor," "I'm the glue that keeps these women together, and I am totally unappreciated." "Oh, Ma, please!" "Look, you may be smart, but I'm wise." "When it comes to a real problem, I'm the one who has to set it straight." "Let me tell you a little story, Doctor." "[Door closes]" "Sophia, are you busy?" "No." "Just drawing a line on the Milk of Magnesia bottle." "Why?" "I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips." "I have a problem." "All right." "Take a sip." "I'll draw another line." "No." "It's not that." "My boss at the center made a pass at me." "Maybe you misunderstood." "What did he do?" "He called me in his office, threw me on the couch and kissed me." "That's a pass." "Okay, I think I can help you." "I'll tell you a story, Rose." "Picture it:" "Sicily, 1922." "Sophia, I have a problem." "I saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman." " What do you think I oughta do?" " Sit down and picture Sicily, 1922." "It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times." "It was Sicily, 1922." "Oh, Ma, I have a problem." "Just sit down and listen." "First, is everyone who lives in this house here at this moment?" " Yes." " Then for the last time, picture it:" "Sicily, 1922." "A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen, except hers moved when she skipped," "she comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls-Royce pulls up and blocks her path." "Oh!" "Who was in the Rolls?" "Robert Goulet, for all I know." "It's not important to the story." "Anyway, the Rolls-Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing." " What happened to it, Sophia?" " Bambi ate it." "How should I know?" "You keep missing the point." "The thing is, she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table." "She gets hysterical." "She starts to run." "She runs through the field, the meadow, over the hill until she comes to a raging river filled with pepperoni swimming upstream." "Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?" "I know it's odd." "Pepperoni is a land meat, but there it was." "She wades into the river, grabs an armful and races home to feed her family." "When she tells the story, they think it's an act of God." "But as it turned out, a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer had blown up the factory in a neighboring town, causing pepperoni to rain down over a hundred square miles, which is where the Sicilian saying" ""It's raining cats and pepperoni" comes from." "Is this helping anyone yet?" "Because this sure feels like an ending to me." "It's helping me, Sophia." "What I got out of the story was that I should take a bad situation and make it better." " I'm gonna tell my boss off." " That's not what I got out of it." "You were trying to tell me to dump my boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea." " That's what I was trying to tell you." " Thank you, Sophia." "Dorothy, did I help with your problem?" "You sure did." "I didn't know what to have for dinner." "How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?" "Sure." "You buying?" "Does a pepperoni swim upstream?" "Did once." "Let's go." "I'm afraid I don't understand, Sophia." "They look up to you." "They seek your advice." "They respect your opinion." "What exactly is your complaint?" "That I don't get $150 an hour like you." "What do you think we should do?" "In my experience, most domestic problems can usually be resolved through a willingness to cooperate and hard work." "You're saying if we become more tolerant of each other, we can work things out?" "In your case, there's really no point." "You are totally incompatible." "What?" "You are incompatible." "You bring out the worst traits in each other." "I'm surprised you were able to live together this long without killing each other." "But, Dr. Ashley, we came here for you to help us." "Ladies, I like you." "Save your money for the moving expenses." "Well, thank you, Doctor." "It was difficult to hear, but... [sighs] you're probably right." "I knew you were a quack." "A legitimate shrink would've strung us along for months." "Well, then, I guess tomorrow morning we can start to pack, can't we?" "Yeah, I guess so." "That's probably the best thing." "Uh, Dr. Ashley was right, wasn't he?" "Oh, absolutely." "'Cause..." "It doesn't mean we can't still be friends." "You know, we'll visit each other." "It's just that we can't live together." "Right?" "What's going on?" "We were just discussing going our separate ways." " Interesting." " You think that's what we should do?" " I didn't say that." " You think we should stay together." " I didn't say that either." " What should we do?" "It's not for me to say." "But I'll tell you a story." "Picture it:" "Miami, 1987." "A house, the only one in the neighborhood without a pool." "But I digress." "Four women, friends." "They laugh, they cry, they eat." "They love, they hate, they eat." "They dream, they hope, they eat." "Every time you turn around, they eat." " Sophia, are those four women us?" " Look in the mirror, blubber-butt." "The point I'm trying to make is, what's going on here is living." "Just because you have some rough times doesn't mean you throw in the towel." "You go on living... and eating." "I'll get the cheesecake." " I'll get the whipped cream." " I'll get the chocolate syrup." "I'll get the Polaroid." "This is a time to remember." " Ma, you don't have a Polaroid." " I'll get mine." "It's under my bed." "I have to go in there for the whipped cream anyway."