"[Shouting, Chattering]" "[Shouting, Chattering]" "A little shrapnel to remove." "No problem." "J ust missed your tattoo." ""gloria," huh?" "That's funny." "You don't look like a gloria." "Come on." "I gotta keep this!" "I gotta keep mybag!" "Leave mybag!" "Come on!" "Leave mybag alone!" "I gotta keep it with me!" "Hey, you've got a nasty shoulder wound." "It's gonna require surgey." "I must insist that you check your luggage at the door." " Come on." "It's all right." " Well, okay." "But I gotta have it back as soon as I'm done." " Ifyou'd like, I'll insure it with Lloyd's of London." " [B.J.] Thompson?" " He needs me." " go ahead." " I'm freezin'." " It's okay." " Keep him on fluids and plasma." "Type and cross-match him." " Yes, Doctor." " What's up?" " Transfusion reaction." "Whileyou're at it, check that stuff, see ifit is what it says it is." " You want help with the leg?" " It's under control." " Corporal Levin?" " Yes?" "The blood they sentyou down with from Battalion Aid doesn't quite agree with you." "Don't wory." "Before we putyou on the table, we'll setyou up with a bottle of our finest red." "Let's get him out ofhere." " Is this too tight?" " No, that's fine." "You're in good hands, Mathes." "She used to be fashion coordinator to King Tut." "Hey, that joke is 4,000 years old." " At least give it a smirk of respect." " Don't stop there." "Cover that whole tattoo." "I don't everwant to see it again." " That's no way to treat a lady." " I just got a DearJohn letter." "The only thing I got left ofgloria is her name on my arm." "DearJohn letters are another painful part ofwar." "It happens a lot." "Well, not like this." "Listen." ""I'm engaged to Rob Webster." ""I doubtyou know him, but perhaps you've heard ofhis family." ""They own the bank." ""I'm sureyou can understand why it would be best..." ""if prominent people like that didn't know about my relationship with you." "Ifyou reallydo care forme, you won't mindsending back mypicture. '"" " Isn't she one for the money?" " What a scheming little social climber." "You can't really blame her." "I mean, I am a nobody." "That little hussy's the nobody." "You're a braveyoung man fighting foryour county." "Nice ty, Major." "I must have been nuts to think she'd wait for me." "Hey, take it from old love-'em-and-lose-'em" "You'll soon forget what's-her-name." "Listen to this man." "He's a doctor." " Margaret, can I see you a minute?" " Be right there." " Uh, anything else?" " Yeah, monitor his funny bone for any signs of mending." " I thinkwe've sorted out Levin's transfusion confusion." " What was it?" "Ifa guy's got B-positive blood, it'd be nice ifhis dog tags didn't say A-positive." " A mistake on his dog tags?" " Sort ofa blood typo." " Didn'tyou know theywere wrong?" " No, ma'am." "Don't wory." "Most guys don't know they have a blood type till they see these things." " Yeah, that's it." " So, Margaret, we have a decision." "Eitherwe get Levin new tags orwe drain him and refill his bodywith A-positive." "We'dbetterget those newtags beforeyou go back on the line." " No, I'm not going back there." " Oh?" "I mean, I'm, uh, goin' home in two weeks." "I got my orders in mywallet." " You lucky devil." " Wow!" "All the same, we better have "I" Corps do a rewrite on those dog tags." "All the same, we better have "I" Corps do a rewrite on those dog tags." " Major." " Major." " Well, Corporal Rice, how's that shoulder doing?" " Can I have my field pack?" "[ Chuckles ] It's impolite to answer a question with a question." " I believe I asked aboutyour shoulder." " It's fine." "Now, please, give me the bag." "gently, gently." "You're gonna ripyour sutures." "Just, uh, what is in that sack?" " Your key to security." " I beg your pardon?" "The name's Alvin Rice ofWhedon, Webber and Dunsmuir... investment counseling and mutual funds." " Mutual funds, eh?" " Haveyou thought aboutyour future?" "You'd be surprised how many g.I.s in your position haven't." "My good man, I'm not a g.I. I'm an M.D." "M.D., g.I." " It's all okay." "As I always say, "If opportunity knocks but once, go to bed with your pants on."" " Areyou having a bad reaction toyour medicine?" " Listen, Doc." "Back in Kansas City I was on myway to being Whedon Webber's salesman oftheyear... when my guard unit got activated." "But, as I always say, "A rose in a minefield is still a rose." "Just step lively."" " [ Forced Chuckle ]" " Ifyou've got a family, I'd recommend a growth fund." "Not...just now." "Saveyour strength." "Ty to get some rest before the market opens." "Save that." "Ifthey had to foul up a guy's dog tags, why couldn't it have been his name?" "Nobody ever died from getting the wrong mail." "With the exception of draft notices." "Sounds like the army could use a lesson in administration... from one Corporal Rice ofthe firm Whedon, Webber and Who Cares." "That guy's a real cutie." "He's got his arm in a sling, and he's twisting eveybody else's." "He tried to sell me something called Security Fidelity Fund." "I just don't trust that name." "I suppose one should admire his spunk and originality... butwhat kind ofan idiotwould invest hard-earned capital with a footslogger?" "I just made one ofthe smartest decisions ofmy entire life." "Any ofyou fellows familiar with Security Fidelity Fund?" "[ Chuckles ] Margaret, friend and client to the footslogger." "You didn't really buy anything from that guy?" "Sixty shares." "Why?" "Is anything wrong with Security Fidelity?" "Margaret, you should know better than anyone- there is no security in fidelity." "[ Chuckles ] go ahead, laugh now." "But we'll see who laughs last when I'm sitting pretty on Easy Street." "One thing I know" "If opportunity knocks but once, you better go to bed with your pants on." "I better go and change." "I'd be mortified to meet opportunity dressed like this." "You thinkyou're the only one who wants to be rich?" "I hate to scoff and run, but I gotta get to post-op." "Is there anything I should know?" "No, eveything was fine when I left, but I'm sort ofworried about Jim Mathes." " He's still so depressed over that little gold digger." " You're concerned about him." "Call me an old softy, but I think that woman ought to be tarred and feathered." "gee, Margaret, you're beautiful when you're vicious." "Somebody ought to do something to even the score with that scheming witch." "Quiet, Mrs. de Sade." "I'm thinking." " Corporal Levin?" " I'm sory, Father." "What is it?" "Just thought I'd introduce myself." "I'm the chaplain here, Father Mulcahy." " I understand you'reJewish." " Yeah, that's- that's right." "I thoughtyou'd like to know I do a wide range ofservices." "I'll be happy to accommodateyou." "Areyou Orthodox, Conservative or Reform?" " I'm-I'm sory?" " What form ofJudaism doyou observe?" " Oh, um, uh, Orthodox." " Ah." "Orthodox." "I think I should warn you, my Hebrew's a little rusty... but it gets the point across." "[ Laughing ] And I can promiseyou a proper Sabbath service." "Now, where did I put thatyarmulke?" "Uh, Father, thanks a lot, but I'm-I'm really" " I'm not that religious." "Oh, I'm sory." "I thoughtyou said you were Orthodox." "Oh, I am." "I mean, my family is." "I-I haven't really kept up." "Ah, I understand perfectly." "I saw TheJazzSinger." "Hey, Levin." "I gotta talk to you." "Oh, uh, excuse me." "I hope I'm not interrupting a fatherly chat." "No, no, no, no." "We were finished." "Ifyou need anything, just let me know." "Shalom." "Levin, there's a problem with your clothes." "We sent all the uniforms to be cleaned, butyours didn't come back." "Oh, yeah?" "We got one left over that's aboutyour size, but it's got somebody else's laundy mark." "Oh, that's gotta be mine." "Uh, up on the line we always swap clothes." "Hey, me too!" "I used to swap with the nurses." "That's another stoy." "When you're ready to go, there'll be a uniform withoutyour name on it." "You gotta think aboutyour future, pal." "As I always say, "People don't plan to fail." "They fail to plan."" "That's a great idea." "I'd be happy to help." "Which one doyou want- mywife or my girlfriend?" " This one'll be fine." " Ooh, my girlfriend. good choice." " Is that a sledgehammer she's holding?" " Sure is." "That's how we met- at the slaughterhouse." " We worked side by side on the stun line." " Romantic." "I'm sory to wakeyou, Father, but he said he had to seeyou, and it wouldn't wait." "No problem." "No problem." "The house ofthe Lord is open 24 hours a day." "Father." "You wanted to see me, Corporal Levin?" "I have to talk toyou, alone." "Excuse me." "Oh." "Well, what is it, Corporal?" "Or may I call you Josh?" " Father, will you hear my confession?" " Of course." "Many non-Catholics have, uh, unburdened themselves to me." "Aren'tyou gonna wearyour stole?" "Well, you understand, this is rather informal." "You're not a Catholic." "No, Father, please, I'd really appreciate it ifyou woreyour stole." "Oh." "Veywell." "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." " It's been one month since my last confession." " You've confessed before." "Father, please, please." "Just let me say it straight through, okay?" "Well, certainly, my son." "Night before last... me and my buddies went out on patrol." "It was real dark." "We got lost." "All of a sudden there was shootin' from all sides." "That's how I got hit in the leg." "My buddies got killed." "The Reds came out ofthe woods to see ifthey got us." "One of'em even kicked me in the head... but I-I didn't move." "I guess I fooled them, 'cause they left." "All the time I was layin' there..." "I swore to myself that ifl ever got out ofthat alive... there would be no way- there's no way that I'd ever go back to the fighting." "That was a terrifying experience." "Butyou mustn't reproach yourself for being afraid,Josh." "Josh Levin... was one of my buddies who got killed that night." "He was goin' home in just two weeks." "I took his dog tags and his discharge orders." "[ groans ]" "My name is gerald Mullen." "I must say, this is the most unusual confession I've ever heard." "Doyou understand why I did it, Father?" "Oh, yes, I understand perfectly." "Aren'tyou going to give me penance to do?" "Well, first I'd like to know when you plan to end this masquerade." "Never." "I'm gettin' out ofhere alive." "That's something we all want." "Areyou gonna give me penance to do or not?" "That wouldn't be appropriate." "I can't absolveyou ofa sin you have no intention ofstopping." "What doyou mean, "sin"?" "Is it a sin towant to stop killin' people?" "Of course not." "Butyour actions are sinful." "They include lying and deception." "What difference does it make?" "I'm not hurtin' anybody." "But what aboutyourself?" "Why, ifyou succeed in this charade... you will virtually stripyourself of all identity." "You can be neither Levin nor Mullen." "Yeah, well, first things first." "Whoever I'll be, at least I'll be alive." "Butwhat kind ofa lifewill it be?" "Listen, I didn't askyou here for an argument." "I want forgiveness." "My son, I wish I could give it." "But how can I?" "You arevirtually unrepentant." "What areyou gonna do?" "You can't turn me in." "Oh, no." "No, I would neverviolate the sanctity ofthe confessional." "But I'd likeyour permission to discuss this with you outside of confession." "Perhaps that'll giveyou a little more time to think about it." "We can talk about it... but I'm not changing my mind." "I'll prayforyou, my son... and for guidance." "good night,Josh- gerald." "And who is this?" "My cousin Num-Num, in her roller derby uniform." "Thatwas taken the day shewas voted "Miss Hell On Wheels."" " You must be vey proud." " Oh, yeah." "We always knew she was destined for greatness." "In grade school she was a bouncer in the cafeteria." "Okay." "These'll be just perfect." "Oh, ifyou need more, I got some great action shots of my grandmother's bowling team." "Keep those handy." " Dr. Hunnicutt?" " Mm-hmm." "We're having a problem with one ofthe patients." "Can you help?" "Sure thing." "What's up?" "Ah, the corporate corporal strikes again." "He won't stay in bed." "Evey time I turn around, he's bothering another patient." "Pretty soon tomorrow's gonna be yesterday, and what'll you have to look forward to then?" "Hi, guys." "Sory to break up the board meeting." "Rice, can't you leave these people alone?" " This is a bed, not a seat on the stock exchange." "Just tying to make a living." "No, you're tying to make a killing, and this is not the place for it." "Aw, come on, Doc." "This is restraint oftrade." "We're tying to run a quiet littlewar here." "Nobody is interested in mutual funds." "Corporal, I've thought it over, and you are right." "Put me down for 25 shares ofthat Security Fidelity." "You know, for the grandson." "Lot ofwisdom in whatyou said" ""People don't plan to fail." "They fail to plan."" "Oh, excuse me, Hunnicutt." "Am I interrupting something?" " No, I think I am." " Uh-huh." "Twenty-five shares." "Well, yourwounds are healing nicely." "How about the rest ofyou?" "I'm alive." "That's about it." "Yeah." "Well, remember, don't use that arm for anything." "Even writing could put a strain on it." "Ah, Father Mulcahy." "A little coffee after dinner?" " The undrinkable chasing the inedible." " Huh?" "Oh." "Oh." " MajorWinchester." " Uh, you seem in a daze, even foryou." "I'm sory." "I was just, uh, lost in thought." "Charles, I'd like to talk toyou aboutyour patient Corporal Rice." "Ah, ofWhedon, Webber and Ouijongbu." "He won't stay in bed." "He won't leave the other patients alone." "Ifhe keeps it up, I'm going to stage a new production of Death ofa Salesman." "Rice is an ill wind that blows no good, but I'm his physician and not his nanny." "I've talked till I'm blue in the face." "You want to take a crack at it, Father?" "Uh, actually, it's been my experience that when a person has decided to do something... it's vey difficult to make him change his mind." "Will you excuse me?" "I want to refill my coffee." "[ Chuckling ] Ah." " [Knocking]" " Come in, ifyou're on our side." "Ah, Padre." "Never locked a door in my life." "I ain't gonna start here." " Don't care how bad the neighborhood is." " Am I interrupting something?" "No, no, no." "Pierce was just here collecting snapshots." "Next thing I knew, I was sashayin' down Memoy Lane." "So, what's buzzin' in your bonnet?" "Well, I have a couple of questions I'd like to askyou." "Completely hypothetical, of course." "Oh!" "[ Laughing ]" "Here's a snap of me alongside the new barbecue." "Built it myself." "got complete plans out of an old PopularMechanics." "It seems to be tilting a little bit to the left." "Yeah." "Mildred noticed that too." "I told her it was to keep the smoke away from the house." "She bought it." "[ Laughs ]" "Problem was, had to use toothpicks to keep the burgers from sliding' off." " Yes, that's fascinating." " Ah!" "First Thanksgiving when Bob and Evy brought little Skip." "That's Mildred givin' the tyke a sample ofthe candied yams." "A minute later, she had to change her blouse." " Fine-looking boy." " Yep." "Kid's gonna be in clover too, with the mutual funds I bought him." "Seein' these makes me feel less like I'm halfway around the world." "I don't care how poor a man is." "Ifhe's got family, he's rich." "Now, then, Padre, what brings you here?" "Actually, I came in with a problem... but I thinkyou've just given me a possible solution." "Just remember, "Put something away before they putyou away."" "You know, you're really profound." "How charming." "Nurse Kellye on the bed of Rice." "Ifyou'll excuse me." "Corporal, do you thinkyou could find time in your busy schedule for an examination?" " Hey, no problem, Doc." " Right." "Now, don't go far." "And doyourselfa favor- read this." "I will." " Having trouble keeping up with the DowJoneses here?" " I'm doin' okay, I guess." "It's just tough selling' to some ofthese guys when they're unconscious." "[ Chuckles ] I could well imagine." "Will you?" "Please?" "Thankyou." " Oh, dear." " What is it?" " I was afraid ofthat." " Ofwhat?" "Well, it's rather difficult to explain." " Doyou know anything about anatomy?" " No." "It's your latrickium." "The latrickium subversus, to be specific." "What's that?" "It's an arterial connection between the vocal cords and the shoulder blade." "It's, uh, in spasm." "I can see it grating." " Wait a minute." "Myvocal cords?" " Oh, don't wory." "The chances thatyou'll lose your power ofspeech are one in 200." "Hey, myvoice is my life." "My career depends on it." "There's gotta be somethin' I can do." "Now thatyou mention it, there is one thing." " But it's rather strong medicine." " Name it, I'll do it." "Well, you would have to go 24 to 48 hours without speaking." "Thatwould relax the latrickium and take the stress offthe shoulder blade... thereby easing the spasm up." " Uh, doyou thinkyou could do that?" " Of course, of course." "It's myjob." "It's the only thing I can" "Wise lad." "You catch on fast." " What's the word on Rice?" " Mum." "Corporal Levin?" "Oh, hi, Father." "Well, it's almost time foryou to go home, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Tomorrow." "Oh." "I brought something foryou." " What is it?" " I had your mail forwarded." "Itwould be a shame foryou to go homewithout it." " This is Levin's mail." " You are Corporal Levin, aren'tyou?" "Yeah, that's right." "Well, there's one here from your father... and one from your sister, I suppose." "And this one that says "S.W.A.K." is probably from your girlfriend." " I don't want to do this." " Oh, I understand." "You're tired." "Why don't I read them toyou?" ""DearJoshua, Thanks forthe gifts you sent from Tokyo." ""I use the samurai sword letter opener all the time." ""And your mother is crazy about the kimono." ""She looks like a regular Anna May Wong." ""Your Uncle Marvin got so excited you were coming home..." ""that he gave us four quarts of free paint to redo your room..." ""and we can't wait untilyou're in it." ""There's lots more to say..." ""but I'll save it forwhen you come home." ""You know howyourmother worries..." ""but I told hershe'll see forherself..." ""whenyou come down the gangplank." ""We're counting the days." "Love, Papa."" " Well, shall I read the one from your girlfriend?" " No." "You said once that your actions were affecting nobody butyourself." "But these people will be waiting forJoshua Levin... to come down the gangplank, andhe won't." "And they'll never even know where he is... orwhat became ofhim." "Excuse me, Corporal." "Okay, your pictures are ready, Mathes." " What pictures?" " These pictures." " Who are these?" " They're women." "All kinds ofwomen." "Tall ones, short ones, blondes, brunettes." " They're for the letter toyour girlfriend." " I ain't writing' her no letter." "We thoughtyou might feel that way, so we took the liberty of composing one foryou." "See ifwe caughtyour style." ""Dear gloria, Congratulations on your engagement." ""I knowyourfiancé's enormous wealth andpowerwill makeyou happy." ""I would never stand in your way." ""And, as you requested, I am returning your picture." ""Since I cannot rememberwhat you look like, I'm not sure which one is yours." "Please pick it out andreturn the rest to me." "Yours truly'"" " Et cetera, et cetera." " Ready foryour signature." "Ifyou have no objection." "Hey, I got a great idea." "Let's send it postage due!" "Now departing gate number one, commuter service to the front... making stops at foxholes, trenches and no-man's-land." "At gate number two, the Freedom Express, sleeper service to Seoul... with connections to Mom, apple pie and home, sweet home." " Board!" " Hey, thanks for eveything, Klinger." "Okay, Mathes." "Board!" " Bye, Father." " good-bye, Corporal Levin." "I hope your decision is one you can live with." "Yeah." "So do I." "Can you see that Levin's family gets these?" " Ty to explain what happened." " Of course I will." "god be with you, gerald." "Thankyou, Father." " Hey, wait a second." "We got eveybody." " No, there was a mix-up." "Corporal Mullen." "Drop me off at Charlie Company?" "Sure." "Well, Corporal Rice, the time has come to say farewell." " Well said." " Dr. Winchester!" "Dr. Winchester, wait up!" " What is it?" " It's Corporal Rice's latrickiagram." "What?" "Stand fast there, Corporal." "This could be important." " You see there?" "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." " Ah!" "Oh, that's veryinteresting." "Wouldn'tyousay, Doctor?" "Miraculous." "I've never seen a latrickiagram quite like it." " Winchester, you're brilliant." " Oh, no." "Congratulations, Corporal Rice." "Your latrickium has healed completely." "Once again yourvoice will ring out like a cash register." " Let's hit the road." " Areyou sure it's all right, Doc?" "Absolutely." "It's as ifthere were never anything wrong with it." "I'll be right with you!" "Thanks, Doc!" "Thanks!" "I'll be right with you!" "Thanks, Doc!" "Thanks!" "Hi-ho there!" "Alvin Rice is the name." "Mutual funds is my game." "Let me askyou a couple of questions." "Areyou married?" "You're single, huh?" "You got any children?" "I've got apolicyforyou that'llknockyoursocks off.."