"OK, OK." "How about this for chapter four?" "Now I know you're going to think this is a bit cliché, but why don't we have our Spitfire pilot meet up with his English rose the night before he gets shot down over occupied France?" "Well, jeez." "Don't sit there shaking your head." "Alright." "Let's have them sleep together." "What?" "Don't worry." "I'll have them parachute out." "Come on." "Sorry, mate." "No Sinatra." "The Big O." "Don't worry, we'll be home soon, Lance." "No!" "Mad bugger!" "Lance, you alright?" "You're always asking for trouble." "What?" "I said you're always asking for trouble." "Hey, Suze." "Let me show you some shots." "God." "If Artie thought I was over here playing pool..." "Hey, you work for me, not Artie." "Come on." "Ruby!" "Tushy tushy." "No, you don't!" "Come here!" "Jack." "You ruined my bloody paint job!" "Give it a break, you two!" "Right!" "Right, gotcha!" "A truce." "A truce." "No more fertiliser, I promise." "You and that plane of yours." "You do one more and I swear I'll..." "What?" "Put sugar in your fuel tank." "I'd crash." "Yeah?" "Flying around there like a mad bugger." "You're just like your old man." "He would've used cow shit." "Put me down!" "Jack, I swear I'm going to kill you." "Don't you dare!" "No." "You going to do it again?" "No." "Don't." "OK." "You bloody child!" "Jesus." "Now we have a truce, kiddo." "Whoa!" "Don't call me kiddo!" "You wait till Hamish hears about this." "And don't bloody think you're invited to my wedding." "When's that going to be?" "Anyway, I've got to be there, Rube." "I'm the best man." "You two have scrubbed up a treat." "Where are you off to?" "Pre-wedding party?" "Very funny." "Everybody's ready for this event except you two." "We'll do it when we've got the dough." "Isn't that right, Hamish?" "You don't need loads of dough to get married, love." "She knows that." "No, if Ruby wants the whole catastrophe, then that's what she's going to get." "Hello." "That's very romantic, Hamish." "Yeah, well, that's me." "Hamish." "It's for you." "Again." "He's got a point, love." "What?" "About spending heaps of money." "If it doesn't happen soon," "I'll be too old to be the matron of honour." "Bullshit." "Hey, Suze!" "Stop bloody yapping and fill glasses." "Don't worry." "He only does it in public." "I'd walk out on the bugger." "G'day, stranger." "What are you doing here?" "Mmm." "Does it still work?" "It's hard to tell with your music, kiddo." "Here you go." "Thanks, Suze." "Cheers." "Hey, Jack." "Morning." "Morning." "Can I help you, miss?" "I'm looking for Miss Ruby Vale." "He's harmless." "What can I get you?" "An iced tea, thanks." "Excuse me, girlie." "Did you park your car out the back?" "Joe." "Will you leave her alone?" "Thanks." "Milk and sugar's on the counter." "Could you tell me where I'd find a Miss..." "Hey, there!" "What?" "Where's me egg?" "Pete." "Put your teeth in." "Where's me eggs?" "I'm not your missus, OK?" "They'll be ready when I say so." "Isn't she great?" "Yeah." "Excuse me, girlie." "I really..." "Excuse me." "Look, I really just want to find a Miss Ruby Vale." "You want Ruby." "Rube, there's someone here to see you." "Now what can I do for you?" "Arggh!" "You know, Girlie, where did you say you parked your car?" "You didn't miss it, Jack." "Is it yours?" "What if I'd been in it?" "You'd be dead." "Someone call the police." "Police!" "Very funny." "Well, actually, girlie, I'm the police." "Where's your uniform?" "I'm off duty." "Well, thank God you're here." "Charge this idiot with negligent driving." "I'm sorry about your car." "What am I going to tell the rental company?" "Well, you can tell them that you parked in Jack's spot." "Anyway." "What's your name, girlie?" "You're going to deal with him." "Ruby." "Ziggy Keane." "I'd love to have a chat with you inside." "OK." "Rube, Rube." "Jack, you don't think I've finally won the lottery?" "No." "This is what they do." "They drive around Australia handing out cheques the size of witchy warts." "Rube, Rube." "She'd be more friendly if she was handing out money." "Rube!" "What?" "!" "What's the matter?" "She's not a lottery girl." "How do you know?" "She's a publisher from Sydney." "A what?" "A publisher." "God, you know." "Books and stuff." "Well, what does she want me for?" "She doesn't." "You heard her." "She said Ruby Vale." "For fuck's sake, listen to me." "She wants me." "I've written a book." "What kind of book?" "A novel." "Anyway, anyway." "It's got your name on it." "A book with me in it?" "No, a book with your name on it." "On the cover." "Like I wrote it?" "Yeah." "Shit." "Shit!" "Shh." "Jack!" "Rube." "Why didn't you put your name on it?" "It's a..." "It's a..." "A romance novel." "Right, see?" "I'm going to get laughed out of town here." "How could you write anything romantic?" "Rube, you've got to help me out here." "No." "Go in there and tell her yourself." "Rube, I did..." "Go and tell her." "I didn't know they'd buy it." "I reckon she only wants something else signed." "Have you been forging my name?" "Once." "When?" "On the contract." "Jack!" "Don't complicate this." "Bugger off." "Hey, Rube." "Bugger off." "Rube." "That's Ruby and her dad." "He taught her how to fly." "Excuse me, miss." "Sweetie." "Rube." "Flying must run in the family because your romance book is about to fly through the roof." "With the money you'll make, you won't slave over a hamburger grill." "I don't believe it." "It's a bestseller." "Look, I realise your advance wasn't huge, but the reaction has been so positive we'll need you in Sydney for publicity." "Publicity?" "We'll do cover signings, TV." "You'll look sensational on TV." "TV." "I can't go on TV." "We'll fly you first class." "First class." "All you've got to do is be yourself and answer questions." "Look." "I don't know about this." "We're only talking a couple of days at the most." "I've got a wedding planned." "Whose?" "Mine." "When?" "Soon." "Is this the man you're...?" "No, are you kidding?" "So why don't you and Hamish get hitched in Sydney?" "Brilliant!" "Jack, I don't think so." "Alright, then." "Why don't you let us contribute by engaging a professional?" "Ruby, that'd be lovely." "A professional what?" "Well, they do everything." "They do the flowers and the food." "Could we have a big tent?" "A marquee." "Suze." "It's what you wanted." "Sorry I spoke." "I'll be in the pub." "Sweetie, we have a serious window of opportunity here." "Where's your phone?" "Phone's just outside." "Jack." "Ruby." "I'll throw in and help pay for your wedding." "Alright?" "Ruby Vale." "$3,000?" "That's the book advance." "You get that and a cut on the next book." "Next book?" "Rube, shh." "A cut of the profits and your wedding paid for." "What sort of cut?" "80/20." "50/50." "60/40." "Rube." "This is a great opportunity." "For who?" "For both of us." "I get my book sold, you get a trip to Sydney." "I mean, all expenses paid, nice hotel." "Come on." "Once you get married, you're going to be stuck over the border." "You know what Hamish is like." "Look." "What do I know about writing?" "You know, I read flying manuals." "Rube, this is a trashy romance novel." "You said it was romantic." "Yeah, whatever." "Anyway, blokes aren't meant to write them." "Look, I'll talk to Hamish about it." "You can't do that." "Rube, what if he tells somebody?" "Hey, Hamish and I don't have secrets." "Surprise him." "Yeah." "Why would he believe I've written a book?" "'Cause you're smart, Rube." "Come on." "I promise not to ask anything else of you, ever." "OK." "You promise?" "Cross your heart." "It's on the other side, Jack." "At least that's where my heart is." "Any contribution will impress them, Errol." "They're basically beer and finger food people." "Yeah." "OK." "Don't you say goodbye to each other in the city?" "Goodbye." "I need a lift back to town." "I've got a flight at 4:00." "Yeah, I'll take you, miss." "OK." "I'll just get my things." "Yep." "First thing tomorrow." "Anyway, as I was saying, this sheila, she said to me..." "It's funny, you know." "I never thought I could..." "you know." "What?" "Be a writer." "There's a book in everyone, Ruby." "Jeez, Suze!" "How many times have you got to be told?" "You silly woman." "We always get four cases." "Suze." "I've got a guest for you." "Hello." "Bloody hell." "Well, what are you looking at?" "Ruby!" "Come on, Artie." "Come on, you like humiliating women." "Come on, try me!" "Ruby, no." "You..." "Come on." "Take a shot." "Take a shot, you mongrel!" "Excuse me." "Do any of your rooms have a bath?" "You little bitch." "You wimp!" "You OK, Ruby?" "Yep." "So, I'll get you settled in?" "A great opportunity this afternoon." "Mr Reece has bred these sheep for 50 years." "We're sad to see them go." "Great sheep." "Represents great value." "Go into lots of different areas." "Could do a great job." "$ 28 to start me?" "A bidder at $ 28, surely." "$ 28 to go, surely." "Starting at $ 28." "Surely $ 25." "Hamish." "I've got to talk to you." "Not now, Ruby, I'm busy." "The sheep must be sold." "He's bred these sheep for 50 years." "Hey." "What?" "What would you say if I'd written a book?" "Well, that'd be good." "Come on, $ 25, surely." "$ 25 to go." "Start me off at $ 25." "Start me off at your price." " Start me off at your price." " $ 20!" "$ 20, $ 20 bid now." "Bid $ 20, bid $ 20..." "They're looking pretty good, Mr Reece." "Who?" "The sheep." "They look good." "I'm bid $ 20, bid $ 20 now." "I'm bid $ 20." "Whoa!" "I'm bid $ 22." "$ 22, thank you." "I'll be $ 22 bid now." "$ 22, I'm bid $ 22." "Whoa!" "I'm bid $ 23. $ 23 the bid now." "I'm bid $ 24." "Whoa!" "$ 24 bidder. $ 24 bid now." "I'm bid $ 24. $ 24 bidder." "I'm bid $ 24 now." "Whoa!" "$ 25." "The bids are in front." "Bid's up the left hand side." "$ 25 bidder. $ 25, $ 25. $ 25." "Stopping at $ 25 - sold." "That's illegal, you know." "What, swatting flies?" "Guess what!" "What?" "I've got this book." "What, about flying?" "No, but it'll pay for our wedding." "The wedding?" "The book?" "Hamish." "We need you up here." "Is this a joke?" "It's all sorted out." "I've just got to go to Sydney for a few days." "The wedding's paid for?" "Yep." "Everything you wanted?" "Hamish." "Come on, mate." "So we're getting married?" "You getting hitched?" "Yep." "Whoo-hoo!" "Yeah!" "One, two, three!" "Come on, Hamish!" "Watch my light fittings." "Hey, Hamish." "Scull that, scull that." " Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up." " Hamish." "Hamish!" "Hamish, straight ahead." "Is that you, Jack?" "Straight ahead." "Come on." "Keep going, that's good." "Keep coming!" "Bugger." "I hope we don't get an offer on this place during a rainstorm." "It's funny you should say that." "Why?" "Do you know someone?" "You're looking straight at her." "Suze." "I'm dead serious." "I want to buy it, Rube." "What about Artie?" "I've got a bit stashed away." "Not enough." "Just need a little more time." "He doesn't know about this, does he?" "He'll come round." "Hamish!" "Hamish!" "Hamish!" "Hamish!" "Go left!" "Come on." "Turn around to your left!" "Straight on!" "Hamish, to your right!" "Whoa!" "Arggh." "Shit." "I didn't get laid, Jacko." "You're here for our enjoyment, not yours." "Enjoyment?" "Christ." "I'm going to be a married man." "Half your luck, mate." "I'm buggered if I know when Ruby had time to write that book." "Mmm." "Maybe I should read it." "Nah." "It's girlish schmalzy crap, mate." "Have you read it?" "No." "God, no." "It's..." "Seen them in supermarkets." "Yeah." "Yeah, girls hanging off gay, fine-looking blokes." "Yeah, that's them." "Wankers." "Hey, maybe I'm in it." "Nah." "Brave-Hamish-heart." "It might be a bit of an earner." "You never know." "Well, I need a new Landcruiser." "Are you still giving Ruby a lift to Sydney?" "Absolutely." "I'm going there anyway." "Thanks, mate." "No worries." "No." "I really appreciate it." "Yeah." "Alright." "Mmm." "Might get you to look after Lance." "Yeah." "Hey." "How does a bloke really know if he's..." "What?" "...ringing the bells?" "Come on, Hamish." "I've been with lots of girls, but..." "What are you talking about?" "Orgasm." "What?" "They fake it, don't they?" "No." "It's not what I've heard." "Hamish, it's all to do with chemistry." "Jeez, are you alright?" "Chemistry was my best subject." "Lance." "Lance." "Tom." "G'day, Jack." "Morning." "Where's Miss Ziggy?" "Not up yet?" "What are they doing?" "Chatting about the book, I guess." "Where did Hamish sleep last night?" "Dunno." "In the... in the pub?" "I found him lying in the street." "Whoopsie." "Well, a couple of years back I lost my dad in a car accident and, ...about eight years ago my mum ran away to be a club singer." "Actually, Ruby, I just wanna know about when you started writing." "Where you get your inspiration..." "Don't you know this stuff?" "OK." "Sweetie, what about we start with your next book?" "Hi, Jack." "Had breakfast?" "I don't eat breakfast." "This is great." "So you reckon our Ruby is a good writer?" "Terrific." "Where's my ride?" "Pete." "He won't be long." "He's probably out the back." "Taking a piss." "Filling up." "How's it going, kiddo?" "Ziggy was just asking me about my next book." "Yeah." "So if you'll excuse us..." "Sure." "Yeah." "Well, it's about, love and the war and honour and all that stuff." "Which war, did you say?" "Boer." "The Boer War." "Good setting." "You think so?" "What's it called?" "'African Lovers... '.." "In Africa'." "I'm looking for a selling point here, Ruby." "'Love In Africa'." "'Love In Africa'?" "Yep." "'Love In Africa'." "You know what my favourite bit about your story was?" "What?" "The big argument." "Great female perspective." "They're slugging it out, absolute equals, and then he leaves her... still filled with so much love for her." "Mind you, we are stretching the reality parameter a little." "I don't know about that." "I reckon some of the best lovers in history fought like bloody dogs on heat." "Of course." "Kate and Petruchio." "Yeah." "You wanna know what my favourite part of the book was?" "The ending." "Perfect." "I know." "I slogged my guts out over that one." "Jack, your eggs are ready!" "I suppose he was the one making all that primal noise last night." "I hardly slept a wink." "Don't you like him?" "Hey, miss!" "Let's get going?" "Rube?" "Where the hell have you been?" "You're so un-bloody-reliable." "Where's the book?" "What's this?" "Well, it's my book." "Don't you have one with a cover and... and all that?" "Had a whole box of them till Lance pissed in it." "I didn't take it personally." "Mmm." "Don't believe it." "What?" "Do you reckon Ziggy smells a rat?" "Nah." "No way." "What do you think of her?" "Who?" "Ziggy." "She's not your type." "How would you know?" "Jack, you live in a truck with a smelly dog." "Is that a 'no'?" "She wouldn't see you as a catch." "Well, I don't wanna get married." "You blokes never do." "Have, er... have you and Hamish set a date yet?" "Yeah." "23rd." "What the hell's she doing?" "Why's she still up there, Mack?" "She's meant to be driving to Sydney." "I think she's just having fun." "I'd be as sick as a dog." "What?" "It's just stalling." "Want a ride?" "What... what were you doing up there?" "I was flying." "You scared the hell out of me." "It's safer than driving." "It'll be dark soon." "Jack's been waiting." "I had to spray Patterson's place." "Anyway, Jack can wait." "I won't see you for a few days." "You can't go like that." "No." "Ha!" "Ta-da!" "I haven't had a chance to tell you how amazing I think all this is." "What?" "Well, you know... the book." "Hi, Jack." "Sorry I'm late." "No worries." "Go on, boy, get down from there." "Go on." "I'll miss you." "Lance loves a bit of Sinatra." "Yeah?" "Thanks, mate." "Give us a kiss, Hamish." "I really love you, Ruby." "Yeah." "Me too." "Jesus, Jack." "So you like Sinatra?" "Don't worry, mate, he's gone to heaven." "Go on, get in the truck." "Go on!" "Good dog." "Bugger!" "What?" "I forgot my walkman." "I can't lie and cheat without my music." "OK, what's my next book about?" "Let's just concentrate on the first one." "Bloody hell." "You'll have to watch your mouth... no bloodies, buggers, Jesus..." "Fuck." "If I can't say bugger or Jesus, what can I say?" "Stop it." "I'm going to be your manager, OK?" "What do you know about being a manager?" "More than you know about writing books." "Whose name's up there, Jack?" "It's just a name, Rube." "Yeah!" "But it's mine!" "You should've been a Traveling Wilbury." "Don't wanna get bulldust in there, do we?" "Wow!" "It's just like a little house back there." "Hey." "Hey." "Mind your own business." " Have you read my book yet?" " Yep." "Just started." "For fuck's sake, Rube!" "Bugger." "I've read those pages." "Yep." "I've read them." "What kind of questions are they gonna ask me, Jack?" "The usual stuff." "Yeah?" "What's that?" "Your background, the book's characters..." "Story analysis - what dictates your influence on the main body and structure of the story." "The use of romance clichés, which I should tell you are expected in this type of rubbish." "But those questions you can gloss over." "I don't know." "Just be yourself, Rube." "You should see this country from the air, Jack." "No, thanks." "Gazing out of God's window... that's what Dad used to call it." "You know what?" "This Virginia girl's just like me." "Virginia?" "This girl's just like me." "Rube, she's from an Adelaide shipping family." "Well..." "She's me with money." "Ha!" "Jesus, this is like looking in a mirror." "I like this bloke Brian." "How do you write sex scenes?" "What?" "Well, do you look at 'Playboys' and read erotic books and stuff?" "I read 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' when I was 10." "That must've been an eye-opener." "Mmm." "Women mature earlier." "This Virginia girl says 'bugger' all the time." "I do that." "Brian's kind of like you." "He's nothing like me." "Drives a truck." "Anyway, he gets killed." "You get killed?" ""I felt purged by her persuasive scent"" ""that lingered in every crevice of my being,"" ""stirring my emotions into a whirlwind..."" ""something exquisite, an ecstasy beyond my experience."" "You wrote this on a Shell napkin." "Jesus." "It's not meant to be read out aloud, alright?" "Why not?" "Hey, hey." "Your thing's on fire." "The character's," "He's kind of thinking it to himself as he... as he rides along." "My God." "Jesus!" "Brian's drowning in the swollen river." "I'm gonna hit the hay." "You, take care of the fire?" "You can sleep in the cab." "No, no." "I want to sleep up there on the trailer." "OK." "Don't whinge to me in the morning when you're covered with mosquito bites." "Jack!" "What?" "'Night." "Go to sleep." "What do you think?" "Hey, no, no, no!" "Not that one..." "I'll..." "I'll learn this page by heart." "I'm a pretty good writer, aren't I?" "Don't let it go to your head." "Jack!" "What?" "I don't know why you had to kill Brian." "God." "Promise me you won't babble on with these publishing people." "Oi." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Come on." "Just be yourself." "My God!" "Wow!" "Yeah!" "Look at the size of that poster!" "Where'd they get that awful picture of me?" "Jack?" "!" "Can I help you, sir?" "Yeah." "I'm here with Ruby Vale." "We wanna see Ziggy." "You are...?" "Jack." "Jack Willis." "Jack..." "Ruby... you should've called from the airport." "I could've sent a car." "No, we came down in Jack's rig because Jack can't fly." "He gets airsick, don't you, Jack?" "You didn't park outside?" "Yeah." "Yeah, there was just enough room." "Right." "Welcome to Sydney, Ruby." "Thank you." "I'm sure you'll approve of what we've prepared." "Yeah." "Invitation..." "list." "Yes." "The big wedding." "We're supplying a guy to organise everything." "195 guests." "Shit." "Sorry." "You live in the outback and you know 195 people?" "She'll probably cut down on that, won't you, Rube?" "Maybe." "Except that's not counting Hamish's brother's family." "There's six of them and they live in Singapore." "I should call Hamish." "Well, Ruby, I think these reviews will buck you up." "Read them out loud." ""A timeless raw lust to her work" ""that doesn't kowtow to vogue niceties." ""No Rodeo Drive sexual caresses for this woman."" "Mmm." ""Her primal sexual overtones are the stuff of epic romance." ""A female Wilbur Smith of the love jungle."" "Wow." " We're very proud." " Wow." "OK, Ruby, why don't you tell us how you modelled your "sacrificed hero"" "on your fiancé?" "It's very romantic." "Hamish is nothing like Brian is he, Jack?" "No." "No." "Who is he like, then?" "I don't know." "Kind of..." "Jack?" "Come on, Ruby, you must've had someone..." "Well, he's more like an antihero." "Yeah." "An antihero." "An antihero." "Right." "Jack's my manager." "He knows a lot about business, don't you, Jack?" "Absolutely." "OK, then... your itinerary... we've got you in a great hotel." "You can settle in there this afternoon and I'd like to include you both in a publishing reception tonight." "That means a new dress, sweetie, and a complete makeover." "A what?" "Makeover." "Lance, stay in the car." "Hamish." "G'day, Mack." "Big day looming?" "Yeah." "I'll just grab Ruby's gear." "Right." "Just wander in?" "I'll show you where it is." "How're you goin'?" "No complaints." "They're under the bench." "There's a trunk and a box." "But leave the log books." "She's going to need them." "Yep." "Hamish, what do you think of this?" ""I was never one to believe in love at first sight." ""That first explosive moment" ""when eyes locked for what seemed..." ""..an eternity."" "I found it out on the highway." "I reckon it's Ruby's." "Thanks, mate." "I'm gonna miss this old girl." "Yeah." "I wish she'd get rid of it." "I'm the last bloke to know anything unless some dog's got a disease." "That's Jack's writing, isn't it?" "Lord!" "I tell you who's been writing romance novels." "Not you, that's for sure." ""I was never one to believe in love at first sight."" "Bloody hell." "I do." "What do you reckon?" "In like Flynn." "Room service." "Rube?" "Come on, Rube, it's getting late." "Bloody hell." "Rube, what's happened?" "Bloody hell." "All you had to do was just turn up and smile." "Well, ready when you are." "Jack, I don't know anything about, like analysis and all that stuff." "I'm just bullshitting you." "They don't give a bugger about that kind of stuff." "Ziggy said romantic books sell." "Yeah." "Absolutely." "Lots of people like them." "Yeah." "You should be out there telling them you did it." "I mean, they're your words, Jack." "And I reckon if you're writing from the heart, who gives a stuff about the others?" "I don't write from the heart." "Why not?" "OK, kiddo, I'm going to sort this mess out and get you on a plane home." "Sorry about your wedding." "Thanks, mate." "Hi there." "Hi." "No, thanks." "Just excuse me, Bobby." "Where have you been?" "I got to talk to you." "Nice suit." "Kind of retro." "Antihero, I'm here to talk about Ruby." "Don't worry about her." "She's doing just fine." "I'll leave you to chat to your client." "Ruby!" "I'm Wilbur Smith of the love jungle." "So where the hell have you been, mister?" "Rube." "Go and grab me a drink." "A champagne, please." "Who did that?" "Thanks for coming." "The Lone Ranger's arrived." "What are you going to do with him?" "He's only some trucker friend along for the ride." "Whatever." "Our Ruby's the darling of the night." "Henry." "You really think there's another book in her?" "The partners want her on the dotted line, Ralph." "Thanks." "Sorry I was mean about your suit." "Vodka martini, thanks." "Thanks." "Jack, let me give you the statistics on who actually writes romance novels." "Ziggy, can we discuss business later?" "No." "At least 10º/o of romance novels are written by men." "So?" "So..." "I'm just trying to work out whether you're a truck driver who writes books or a writer who drives trucks." "What do you mean?" "Your secret's safe with me." "Now, all of this is what we call hype." "Without it, I don't have a job, you don't have a book and Ruby doesn't have a wedding." "Right now, it's all moving like the proverbial freight train." "You can't stop it, really." "Not without looking stupid." "So here's the deal." "I keep zipped about your rather fraudulent activity... which I commend you for, I have to say." "And you refrain from telling Ruby that I know anything at all." "Lie to her?" "Don't say anything." "She's as nervous as hell as it is." "Deal?" "Deal." "Excuse us, Bob." "Just a quick..." "Alright." "Thanks." "How's it going?" "You just saved my life." "Just think of me as your guardian angel." "Ruby, you need a strong team behind you now." "You know what I'm saying?" "Mmm." "You've got to evolve." "You've got to shed your skin like a..." "like a..." "A snake?" "No, more like a butterfly." "Yes, a butterfly." "You've got to fly, Ruby." "You know what I'm saying?" "Mmm." "It's a dog-eat-dog world out there." "Jack?" "I guess so." "Right." "I, could be your man." "That would give us a cosy feeling, wouldn't it, Ralph?" "Yes!" "Wasn't that successful?" "Well, I hope I'm not a one-hit wonder." "No chance of that, is there, Jack?" "Ha ha." "No way." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "Got so many stories to tell." "I'm sure you do, sweetie." "And we just can't wait to hear them all." "Eugene, drop me on the next corner, will you?" "Now, I'll see you first thing tomorrow." "And, Jack, it's your job to make sure she gets there." "Jack doesn't need to do that." "I can look after myself." "Yes, darling, I'm sure you can." "Goodnight." "'Night!" "What are you staring at?" "Very touchy-touchy, isn't she?" "I saw you two at the bar." "Clinking glasses and grinning and..." "I think she fancies me, Rube." "You don't even like her." "What's there to like?" "You want to play pool?" "Get off!" "Hey, get her off!" "She's a joke!" "Let's sing." "Good on you, Sandra." "Great effort." "Give her a big hand, everybody!" "Thanks, mate!" "There's got to be some other great singers out there." "We've got the big frozen turkey for the winner." "So any volunteers?" "Why don't you have a go, miss?" "You're dressed for it." "I just might!" "Play pool, kiddo." "Give the scarlet lady a go." "What are you going to sing?" "Look at that dress, everyone!" "Let's get her up here." "It's a catchy little number." "It's called 'You're An Arsehole When You Drink'." "You are nothing but trouble." "Jack, I could take him." "No, you won't." "You should listen to your big brother." "How about a bloke?" "There's got to be a guy out there." "Do the Big O for them, Jack." "Yeah, right." "He reckons he can sing like Roy Orbison!" "Come on!" "Hey, hey, hey." "Give them heaps!" "Shut up, Ruby!" "I'm not bloody singing." "Jack!" "No!" "Come on." "This is your big change to be a Flying bloody Wilbury." "Come on." "Traveling Wilbury." "What's your name?" "Jack." "Jack, what are you gonna sing for us?" "You guys know 'Crying'?" "Course they do." "OK, Jack's going to do 'Crying'." "Let's give him a big hand." "Come on, Jack!" "Come on, Roy!" "Where's your glasses?" "Jeez, that's a strong start, mate!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "How come you don't want all this for yourself, Jack?" "I couldn't eat it." "No!" "All the attention and stuff." "I'm happy with the way it is, thank you very much." "Frightened of success." "Frightened of success." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are." "No, I'm not." "Don't think anything." "Jack, you're a liar." "Well, we're not bad singers." "I wouldn't make it a career move." "Jack, we killed it." "Whoo-hoo!" "We killed it!" "Thanks, Rube." "That's for not calling me 'kiddo'." "Get out of here." "Jack..." "Can you hear that?" "Has anyone seen Jack?" " We are on in five." " Stand by, Ruby." "On 2JD, the King of Sydney Talkback Radio," "Wensley Parkes with you until midday today and joining me in the studio now, hot new romance author Ruby Vale, author of the new book 'Bird In The Hand'." "Hi, Ruby." "Hi." "We're taking your calls." "You're caller one." "Hi." "Hi, Ruby." "My name's Harmony." "And I think your book's just wonderful." "Thanks, Harmony." "Virginia and Brian are really brave characters." "Only a woman can write such beautiful romantic things." "Yeah." "You're so right, Harmony." "Only a woman can really get down to business." "Your work reminds me of Daphne Du Maurier." "Really?" "She's not a romance writer, but..." "Is she from Sydney?" "Thank you." "And next on the phone this morning, it's Thelma." "G'day, Thelma." "It's me, Ruby." "Suze." "I'm incognito." "Suzie?" "Where are you?" "I'm in the Boomerang, love." "I've got something important to tell you." "Hey, Suze, I can't really talk right now." "Is this talkback radio?" "Yes!" "Well, you just listen to me." "Thelma, have you read my book?" "No, but your husband-to-be read some of it." "Did he like it?" "No, Rube." "He's seen the handwriting." "He knows." "What?" "Thank you, Thelma." "We must move on." "We have other callers waiting." "No!" "No!" "What have I done?" "Bloody hell!" "He's found out!" "I know." "I know." "I should have told him." "Why did I listen to you?" "Everything's a bloody lie!" "Hey, no, it's not." "Well, what is it, then?" "Ruby!" "Ruby." "Jack, I just want to settle down." "I want to have a comfortable life with Hamish and fly my bloody plane." "If none of this happens, I'm blaming you." "Might as well." "What am I going to do about Hamish?" "Come on." "You're the romance writer." "You do nothing." "You get married." "Move down over the border, have lots of kids, live happily ever after." "Hey, great news!" "Guess what!" "I've got you on 'The Clive Rooney Show' tonight via satellite to London." "What about my wedding?" "It's coming along beautifully." "So is bloody Christmas." "I spoke to the Special Events Coordinator this morning." "He wants red roses." "I said check with you." "There you go, Rube." "What - are you getting cold feet?" "OK." "I'll do this bloody 'Clive Show'." "And that's it." "I'm going home." "Arrange my wedding and give the bill to him." "Pre-wedding jitters." "'The Clive Rooney Show' segment 3 starting in 10 minutes." "Daphne, Muriay - she's not from Sydney, is she?" "Not even alive, love." "Shit." "Just here." "Hamish!" "What are..." "What are you doing here?" "Don't I get a kiss?" "Yeah." "Sorry." "Come in." "Mel, this is my..." "my fiancé Hamish." "Hamish, this is Mel." "Ruby, I've got to finish your face." "There's nothing wrong with her face, mate." "Give us a minute." "Hamish, I've been trying to call you, like to explain, but it..." "Jack said I..." "Jack!" "Yeah, I know what he's about." "He's a weak bastard." "Yeah, I reckon." "Why did you pretend you wrote this stupid book?" "It's not stupid." "Who'd have thought from a landscape of red dust and annoying bush flies, an Aussie romance writer could evolve with more beating hearts than Barbara Taylor-Bradford, more sizzle than Joan Collins?" "And all this mixed with a dash of Du Maurier." "'Clive Rooney Show'." "Stand by." "After the break, via satellite, we'll meet this remarkable young woman who's also a crop-duster pilot and the owner of the Boomerang truckers' cafe." "Come back." "So you've pulled the wool over this bloke's eyes too." "Well..." "This is all bullshit, Ruby." "There's a cafe over the road." "I'll be there for as long as it takes for me to have a cuppa." "OK?" "Stand by. 60 seconds." "Thanks." "Remember, it's TV." "You can't say 'Jesus', 'fuck', 'shit', 'damn', 'bloody' or discuss sexual organs." "Well, that's a bloody lot to remember." "Ruby, we all get nervous." "You don't, you silly bitch." "And stop calling me sweetie." "I bloody hate it." "Ruby." "What?" "Jack, this is not about the book." "It's about being true to yourself." "Problem?" "Now is the time, Jack." "You've got to be able to become your dream." "Rube, we are nearly finished." "What - our lives as we know them?" "Clive Rooney, stand by - one minute." "Ruby!" "Hamish is right." "This is bullshit." "What do you mean?" "Hamish - he's out there waiting for me." "Great, then." "Well, bugger off." "Ruin your big wedding." "I don't want a bloody wedding!" "Then why agree to come down here?" "You're as blind as a bat." "Our Father, who art in heaven..." "Shut up, Ziggy!" "Ruby, listen to me!" "If this is the only way to hype Jack's book and get you a wedding..." "No, no, no!" "She knows?" "How could you think so little of me when I've always thought so much of you?" "Ruby!" "'Clive Rooney Show' - live, 50 seconds." "Want me to buy you dinner before I lose my expense account?" "You might as well." "You can buy me a drink." "God, have I stuffed up!" "Nup." "YOU haven't." "Thanks." "Now I'll be one of those people who sleep in on weekdays." "They've got to give you severance pay." "Severance pay?" "!" "I want a career." "No, I don't." "Yes, I do." "Have you ever wondered?" "About me?" "Like what?" "Well, you know, like..." "You don't know anything about me, do you?" "Nup." "OK." "First of all, I don't cook." "That's number one." "Number two - I'm not in therapy anymore." "Ziggy, I don't need a list." "Whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "God." "I'm sorry." "Where did that pop from?" "We agreed to a drink." "Of course." "Taxi!" "No." "Liberating," "I've still got some stuff to get." "It's a nice shed." "Warehouse." "I made you breakfast." "I thought you said you didn't cook." "I lied." "Is that why you were in therapy?" "Man." "Did we drink a lot last night?" "I won't tell if you don't." "Is that it?" "Yeah." "With coffee." "Mmm." "Caveman!" "Jack." "Mmm?" "You know those characters you write about in your book?" "Mmm." "Are they really out there?" "Sure." "Hey, Mack." "Hamish." "Ruby hasn't called in yet?" "No - another couple of runs yet, mate." "This is George West." "He's prowling round the State looking for a crop-duster." "G'day." "Any luck?" "No." "Missed out on a beauty in Moree." "Yeah." "So they told me to come down here." "I can't think of one." "Can you, Mack?" "Well, who's this bird with the Tiger?" "Ruby?" "Yeah, she's got one." "Yeah, but she's welded to it." "You'd have to take her too!" "I dunno." "Everything's got a price where I come from." "That must be a great place, George." "Ruby, do you read me?" "Over." "Shut up, Lance." "Lance!" "Lance!" "Lance, no!" "LANCE!" "Move!" "Shit!" "Ruby!" "Bugger me!" "No!" "Ruby!" "Ruby!" "Ruby!" "What?" "You're alive." "Of course I'm bloody well alive!" "Let's get you out of there." "OW!" "My ankle!" "Jeez, what a mess?" "Who are you?" "Don't worry about who he is." "George, ring the Flying Doctor." "I love cities." "Out there, you can be anyone you want to be... no questions asked." "You reckon you can still get me on the 'Clive Rooney Show'?" "Are you serious?" "One condition." "That I sign with you for my next book." "We're back in business!" "Old bush rule, Ruby - don't jeopardise your life for a dog." "It was Lance." "And you call yourself a vet!" "I do love you, Ruby." "You're a sweet man, Hamish." ""Sweet"?" "Mmmm." "Doesn't sound very sexy." "Come here." "Mmm." "The surgery cottage has been confirmed." "What, we don't get to choose our own house?" "Comes with the job." "Hame, has this place got an airstrip?" "I don't know." "'Cause I was thinking I could work for the Flying Doctor Service." "No." "They saw you doing barrel rolls Anzac Day." "Dad used to do that." "No." "We'll just get settled in, have a nice, quiet wedding - something we can afford." "Looks like we'll get something for the biplane." "What do you mean?" "That bloke George - carting it to Brisbane for spares." "Brisbane?" "Is that who that guy was - a buyer?" "Yeah." "I didn't..." "What, you're trying to sell my plane?" "Hamish?" "!" "Ruby, you've wrecked it." "I did not - I broke the undercarriage." "We can't afford it, Suzie." "The bank manager said..." "I don't care what he says." "We owe enough here without spending money on a place like that." "Anyway, it's only popular because of your little friend." "That's a steaming pile of wisdom, Art." "I'm not trying to start an argument, but you're not paying a penny for a dump like that." "Anyway looks like you're too late." "Hi, Suze!" "You're supposed to be still in hospital." "No, I'm fine." "What's going on?" "So..." "Who bought it, love?" "Do you think they'd want me to stay on?" "Absolutely." "That's what Jack would say." ""Absolutely."" "What's this?" "Take a look." "It's, it's got your name on it and everything." "Lord!" "Just pay me something when you can." "That's bloody great." "What if she doesn't want it?" "I'll pay you back" " I promise." "What?" "!" "I want this, Artie." "Who'll do my bar at nights?" "You, you big lug." "No, I don't think so." "Yes, you are." "Because you're looking at a brand-new woman who won't take any more shit from you." "If you excuse me, I have a cafe to open." "I wouldn't mess with her, Artie." "What about if I divorce you?" "Artie, that's the only decision I'll leave up to you." "Bloody hell!" "G'day, Rube." "I think you should give a speech, love." "Hi, Mack." "Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention?" "Suze, my wife, would like to say a few words." "As I start my new life at the Boomerang thanks to Ruby and, of course, Hamish, so will they." "When our lovebirds finally decide on a date and place, we'd all like to know about it." "Here's to Ruby and Hamish." "Ruby and Hamish!" "Hey!" "Hey, that's our Jack on the tellie." "Is that the sort of thing truckies do down there?" "No, it's not." "But you've had a huge success with this romance novel." "Were you pulling over at truck stops, jotting it down on paper napkins?" "Yeah, pretty much I was, actually." "What do your mates think about you posing as a woman?" "Well, this is the first they've heard about it, so, you know, I have no idea, actually." "What finally made you decide to come clean?" "It was a good friend of mine." "She," "Yeah, it was a very good friend." "She made me realise that I that I needed to..." "I needed to own my own words." "Right, all that "from the heart" stuff." "Who is that, then?" "Someone... someone I've known a long time." "Yeah, she knows who she is." "No wonder the world is sexually confused, when a female Wilbur Smith of the love jungle sets new standards for romantic love and turns out to be an outback trucker of the male variety." "G'day." "Sorry I'm late." "I just keep forgetting stuff." "Hardly a bowerbird, Ruby." "I left lots of things for Suze." "Strange thing is, I didn't think you were gonna show." "What do you mean?" "Well, you know, even thinking of selling your plane... what sort of bloke am I?" "Well, you didn't know it wasn't a total write-off." "People don't realise it, Ruby, but you and I really don't have that much in common." "You know when I was waiting for you in that cafe in Sydney?" "Yeah?" "For some bloody reason, I drank six cups of tea." "You know me - I hate the stuff." "But she just kept on bringing it and..." "I've let you down, haven't I?" "No." "No, you couldn't let me down, Ruby." "That's what I love about you." "But this old Land Rover here... a bit of a worry, don't you reckon?" "I don't think it'll make the trip." "Take care." "OK." "I'll see ya." "OK." "Hamish." "Jack." "Thought that was you." "Did you get a paint job?" "Yeah, kind of." "Where's Ruby?" "She's not coming." "It's not your fault." "It's chemistry, mate." "Jack!" "Hello, stranger." "Suze." "Guess what." "Where's Ruby?" "Guess what, Jack." "What?" "She gave me the cafe." "I'll pay for it as I go." "That's great!" "Where is she?" "She's long gone, love." "She left this morning - to rescue her plane." "What do you mean?" "Mack!" "You mad bugger!" "That's Ruby alright." "Hang on - I gotta get some height here." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Come on, baby!" "I don't believe the old girl's doing this." "Lance." "Mack!" "Mack!" "You look as sick as a dog, mate." "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" "Mack..." "Mack, how much more?" "That's up to you." "Put me down, Mack." "Shit!" "You want an exclamation mark?" "No!" "Drop me on the road up ahead." "Shit!" "Whoa, whoa!" "OK, hang on, mate." "Come here." "Come on." "What the hell are you doing?" "You're a bastard, Jack!" "I love you, Ruby." "No, you don't." "I always have." "Where are you heading?" "What do you care?" "Can I come?" "No!" "Why not?" "Well, you can't leave us here." "OK, Jack Willis, you bloody well come and get me." "Right, where are we going?" "Am I in your next book?" "No." "Yes, I am." "No, you're not." "Ask Lance." "Lance?" "See?" "Yeah, but one bark is a no." "Bullshit!" "Lance?" "See?" "He said yes." "He said no." "One bark is a no!" "Is that right, Lance?" "I was right!" "Yes, Ruby, you always are."