"Mmm." "That's so good - it tastes like chocolate." "Are you breaking up with me?" "What?" "Are you breaking up with me?" "No, I heard you but why would you ask me that?" "Why wouldn't you answer that?" "OK, um, no, I'm not breaking up with you." "Are you sleeping with someone?" "Where the hell is this coming from?" "Does that mean you are?" "It's complicated." "So, you are." "Look - why all this sudden ambush?" "I don't understand." "I can't believe you would do this to me." "Do what?" "I'm not doing anything" "You're fucking someone else!" "I'm not doing anything to you!" "Then why are you lying about it?" "I'm not lying!" "Admit it." "No." ""No," you're not sleeping with someone or "no," you won't admit it?" "I don't even know how to answer that question." "I liked you, Maxine." "And now you're fucking someone else." "You know what?" " I didn't even know we were in a serious relationship, OK?" "I didn't know we were exclusive." "Yes, you did." "No, I didn't - we never talked about it." "You know what, Maxine?" "Sometimes you just know things, and you know that I think we're a couple." "How am I supposed to know that when we didn't even discuss it?" "Uh-uh." "Don't hide behind that as an excuse." "I'm not hiding behind shit." "Who is she?" "Look, it only happened once." "Is it Evan?" "Where the hell are you coming up with" "Oh, my god!" "You're fucking Evan?" "!" "I didn't mean to, OK?" "It just happened!" "I thought you guys were history!" "We were!" "So now you're breaking up with me to go be with Evan?" "I'm not breaking up with you." "Yeah, but... now I have to break up with you." "Like, I didn't mean for this to happen." "You know what?" "I'm geting out of here." "Here, I'll pay for dinner." "Oh, no please." "Allow me." "I'm getting out cheap." "Shit!" "[THEME SONG]" ""See the lilies, how they grow." "They toil not, neither do they spin." "Yet even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these."" "Hey - have you ever had a sex dream about someone you know?" "And they're like, you know, like, you would never have sex with them in real life, and then you're like you wake up you're all grossed out, you know?" "Yeah, and like the next time you see that person, like, you're going to act all weird and then they're like, why're ya acting weird?" "And you're like, it's cause I'm upset about the sex dream about you." "Evan, you're phone's ringing." "Yeah, I hear." "You want me to get it?" "It's whatever." "Hello?" "Yeah, this is Bender." "You wanna talk to Evan?" "Evan, am I supposed to tell this chick that you're here?" "OK, bye." "Yeah, this is Evan - ugh!" "Hi, Evan." "[Evan] Hey, Avery." "What's up?" "Not much." "You know, I was thinking we should go out on a date." "That sounds good... so you're not mad anymore?" "I am mad..." "I'm mad about you, baby." "[EVAN] OK, sweet." "[AVERY] Sweet." "I'll see you at your place." "Au revoir, ma belle." "Time's up!" "Ling?" "Who names their child Ling?" "Somebody does." "That's what her parents were calling her." "OK." "And you talked to them?" "I told them who I was and that she was staying with me, and, like, they didn't care." "Like, I could be a psychopath." "It's because she's a lesbian?" "Oh, my god." "Oh, my god." "What is wrong with these people?" "I need to ask you for something..." "Susan." "... Evan?" "[MAXINE] Evan..." "Who the hell are you?" "I'm Ling." "I'm the homeless gay youth who Evan decided to take under her wing." "Well, are you gonna fix me a drink or what?" "You must be Maxine." "[MAXINE] I think I'm just like Evan." "I'm..." "leave a trail of heartache and tears everywhere I go." "It seems like you want to be that way." "Of course I don't." "I think you're deriving a sense of identity and empowerment through the knowledge that you're capable of inflicting pain on other women." "What, what are you?" "Like some kind of Freudian..." "Psychoanalyst?" "No, I'm more into Carl Jung." "There will be no blaming mommy and daddy tonight." "Why the hell am I even listening to you?" "You're a teenager." "Why are you talking to me?" "It's because you have no one else to talk to." "The crazy thing is - you're having all of these problems with women, you're miserable, and yet I'd kill to be in your shoes." "I've never even had a girlfriend." "I've never even had sex - although I'm dying to." "All I've ever done is kiss a girl." "Which was totally awesome!" "But still it's the only thing I've ever done." "I can't wait until I'm as emotionally distraught over a woman as you are." "You're weird." "Have a drink." "It's all right, go ahead." "You need something in your life." "Don't get food on my bed." "I apologize, all right?" "All right." "You live with a woman." "What made you say that?" "But you're not married." "Uh-uh." "Do you have a girlfriend?" "I have not had a girlfriend in over 25 years." "Don't tell me you live with your mother." "I have my little girl staying with me." "I didn't know you had a daughter." "How old is she?" "She's your age." "I take care of her." "Why?" "Because she's in pain, full time." "OK?" "She takes every drug known to man." "She's miserable." "What happened to her?" "She has an inoperable tumor at the base of her brain." "It's probably been there, according to the doctor, since she was born." "I guess as she got older, it grew." "We didn't even know it was there until three years ago." "She's a tough cookie, you know." "She always to shake it off, take aspirin, say it really didn't her hurt that bad." "We finally got it to stop growing, but I can tell  it still hurts her." "And there's not a goddamn thing i can do about it." "That's my job: to protect her." "And I am completely powerless." "You make me feel safe." "What?" "You make me feel safe." "I just thought you should know that." "Can I see it?" " [SUSAN] Not yet." "[SUSAN] All right, you ready?" "Close your eyes." "[LAUGHTER]" "[SUSAN] OK, you ready?" "Turn, turn." "Stop." " [SUSAN] Ready, OK, open." " [LING] Oh, my room!" "My room!" "I love it!" "Oh, my god." "Come here!" "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" "I'm calling Bender!" "[EVAN] Hey." "It's OK, it's OK." "She's happy." "You made her really happy." "Look at her." "Who would do that to someone?" "I don't know." "I just don't understand." "That's a good thing." "That means you're not like them." ""Tell me not in mournful numbers," "Life is but an empty dream." "For the soul is dead that slumbers, And things are not what they seem." Did you write this, dude?" "[EVAN] Huh?" "So, she's meeting you here." "[EVAN] Yeah." "Why?" "[BENDER] I don't know." "Most chicks want you to pick them up." "[EVAN] She already knows where I live." "Right, but still something peculiar about that." "How's this?" "Dude, you look great!" "You think?" "Yeah." "Guys should take lessons from you on how to dress like a pimp." "Yeah, it's like, this part is like..." "Do you want me to help you tie that tie?" "Yeah, that'd be great." "All right." "This is called the double Windsor knot." "Don't fucking ask me how I know how to do this, like, I don't remember." "I consider myself a modern-day cad, or dandy." "A metrosexual, in the parlence of our times." "What was that?" "Dude, I don't know what I was doing, I just ..." "I've been really lonely lately and, I mean you remember that one time we made out?" "I mean, come on, just" "Dad?" "Don't call me "dad." What?" "Your date's here." " Hi." " Hi." " It's good seeing you again." " You, too." "You didn't tell me you have a kid." "Huh?" "Did you tell her you were my kid?" "I am." "What, did you have her when you were five?" "No!" "She's just, you know, a minor residing in my home." "Hey, I know you." "No, you don't." "Yeah, I'm pretty sure." "I don't know where from, but uh... why are you shaking your head?" "You know I" " I don't think we've met before." "No, I'm pretty sure we're well-acquainted." "You know, I think I would remember you." "You're pretty memorable." "Are you the babysitter?" "Me?" "No, no I totally tried to fuck Ling before I found out she was seventeen." "That doesn't sound right, taken out of context." "Yeah, that doesn't sound right in any context." "Let's go." "Yeah." "Nice meeting you Ling, Bender." "Hey, how the fuck you know my name?" "Let's go!" "The night is young!" "And so are we." "You are so explaining this to me." "Hey, baby." "If this bar were a meat market, you'd be the prime rib." "Oh, god." "You reek of cannabis, Bender." "Cannabis?" "Hey Maxine, you've got something on your chest - my eyes!" "Go away." "It's never going to happen." "Hey, are you like a parking ticket or something?" "Cuz you've got "fine" written all over you." "I have a headache." "You can stand here but don't talk to me." "Look, you look a lot like my next girlfriend, you know what I'm saying?" "Oh, my god." "How long does this go on before you actually quit?" "I never quit." "That's one thing that you're gonna learn about me." "I never quit." "Never." "Fuck it." "[BENDER] Fuck what?" "Fuck it - let's do it." "What?" "Where we going?" "We're gonna go to your place." "We're gonna go- we're gonna go to my place?" "Mm-hmm." "Sweet." " Now." " Oh, now." "You don't talk much." "Neither do you." "You've figured it out haven't you?" "The less you say, the more people will reveal about themselves." "Until little by little, they have divulged every last bit of who they are." "Because what people want most..." "Is to be known." "So, do you use that knowledge for good or for evil?" "I use it for myself." "Kiss me." "Where?" "Well, put your hands here, like that, and then" "I go like this." "And you pull me in like that, and close your eyes." "You wanna smoke a J?" "No, that's not really my thing." "You said you had a headache, though." "This is perfect for that." "Honey, I'm already on so many painkillers;" "I don't need anything else." "See, that's where you're wrong - marijuana is the safe alternative to that." "Plus, you inhale it, so it works faster." "What the hell?" "Live dangerously, right?" "Ugh... it tastes like shit." "No, no - it tastes good." "Actually I got it from my friend and he got it from a friend from another friend off the coast of Madagascar." "I guess it came up on a piece of driftwood." "I do feel better." "Is that- is that normal?" "Oh yeah, that's normal." "Well, in that case." "OK." "Nice." "That feels good." "Are you gonna fuck me now?" "Yup." "Hi." "Hi." "Can I stay up late watching movies?" "Yep." "You're not gonna make me go to bed?" "Do whatever the fuck you want." "What's wrong?" "It's... you know my friend you met here tonight, Bender?" "Yeah." "I can't believe I'm telling you this, but she was here before you got here and she kissed me." "She kissed you?" "Yeah, she was tying my tie and she pulled me in and kissed me." "Did you kiss her back?" "No. [LAUGHING] Of course not." "But it was- you know, it was peculiar." "Well, girls do funny things sometimes." "Yeah." "There was this once, a long time ago, actually when we first met, she and I made out." "Nothing really came of it... [SIGH]" "She and I - we don't make sense as a couple." "Do we make sense as a couple?" "Yes." "Yeah?" "Water!" "Please, let me get water." "I'm so not done with you yet." "What, what?" "No..." "No!" "[AVERY WHISPERS] You OK?" "What's wrong?" "[AVERY SCREAMS]" "[AVERY] What are you doing?" "Evan, Evan, what are you doing?" "Stop it!" "Ling!" "[AVERY] She's having a seizure." "[AVERY] Put something in her mouth." "No, never do that to someone who's having a seizure - you'll hurt her." "She's going to hurt herself!" "[LING] She's unconscious." "She can't feel anything." "[AVERY] I'll call 911!" "[LING] Don't!" "Just... stay calm." "[MUSIC]"