"(HORN HONKING)" "Nurse!" "Will you call psycho ward and tell Captain Newman his lousy flock's on the loose again?" "Okay!" "Let's go." "Hendricks will drop your bag off at the BOQ." "Thanks, Captain." "Sure." "Six copies, please." "Colonel Larrabee, please." "I'm Lieutenant Alderson." "I'm Larrabee, Lieutenant." "Air Surgeon's Office wired you were coming." "Come on in." "PYSER:" "Larrabee." "Sir?" "Who the devil's in charge of this hospital?" "You or Dr. Newman?" "His Ward 7's got the lowest return-to-duty rate in the entire Area Command." "Psychosis, he says." "Neuroses!" "Psychogenic syndrome!" "Colonel Pyser, base commander." "And a prize..." "Why don't you take a look around, Lieutenant, and come back later?" "All right." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Admission's free." "Come on in." "What's on your mind, Lieutenant?" "Nothing, sir." "That's dandy, but hardly plausible." "Have a chair." "Thank you, sir." "Well, how do you feel?" "Quite well, sir." "How do you feel?" "Okay." "Okay, let's play games." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Are you under the impression I'm here as a patient?" "Well, aren't you?" "Why, certainly not." "I'm Lieutenant Alderson," "Air Surgeon's Office, Statistical Section." "(LAUGHING)" "Well, what do you know about that?" "And here I was, making a brilliant spot diagnosis." "Guarded, a little tense, nice party manners, not quite so secure as you'd like me to think." "Statistical Section?" "Sit down." "We're making a survey of the capacity of stateside base hospitals to handle the flow of overseas casualties." "Well, that's quite a mouthful for a report you could write on a cigarette paper." "We're short of beds, doctors, orderlies, nurses, everything." "Except patients." "Particularly in your field." "Our charts show an alarming increase in neuropsychiatric cases." "Far beyond the norm." "How do you data demons determine a norm?" "Well, sir, we have facts and figures and..." "Yes, Gavoni?" "Haskell's hallucinating again." "He's under his bed fighting the Japanese, yelling and screaming he wants to go home." "Does he have a favorite in food?" "Chocolate malts." "Well, then, you get him a nice, big chocolate malt with cookies." "Put it on the floor near his bed where he can see it." "Tell him he'll hurt my feelings if he isn't back in his bed by the time I come round." "Roger!" "Roger." "We say Roger quite a bit around here." "Makes us feel like heroes." "Why don't you loosen your tie before you suffocate?" "Sir, our charts show..." "You can forget about that "sir."" "My first name is Joe." "What's yours?" "Belden." "What?" "Belden." "Is that what your friends actually call you?" "Belden?" "No, my friends call me Barney." "Congratulations!" "You've got fine friends." "Now, about that alarming increase in N.P. Cases, Barney, here's the reason why." "Now, during the first 18 months of the war, the files were almost empty." "So was Ward 7." "In those days, these men weren't considered to be sick." "Some tossed their cookies every time they had to go up." "Some of them had nightmares." "Some of them shook so hard they couldn't even hold a spoon." "But they went up!" "No mollycoddling in the Air Corps." "No, sirree!" "You couldn't convince anyone that these were symptoms!" "Symptoms!" "And that a symptom is a red flag with danger written all over it." "Now you wouldn't think it'd take much brains to comprehend that, would you?" "So acute anxiety cases were sent into combat, and sooner or later, they began to crack up." "Now they're streaming back from Europe, from Africa, from the Pacific." "And when we do get them, we get six weeks to get them back into duty, discharge them or send them to a permanent hospital." "And every time I hold a man over, all hell breaks loose." "Excuse me, Captain." "What do you say, Blodgett?" "Time for morning rounds." "Well, all right." "Roger." "You ever been inside of a psychiatric ward?" "Well, no..." "Come on." "You're invited." "KOPP:" "Hey, Doc." "A new man checked in around 9:30 this morning." "Violent?" "No, he's not a patient." "He's a hospital orderly." "What?" "Where?" "Well, right now he's on his way to administration to report in." "He's scheduled for Ward 4." "A mere detail." "Now look, you promise him girls, furloughs, anything." "Wrap him in cotton wool and deliver him to my office." "Roger." "We had to put Miller in wet packs." "That major in 4G became pretty violent around 4:00 p.m." "And Wilkinson made that phone call to his father." "If you're a member of the club, it means sodium pentothal treatment." "PYSER:" "Newman!" "Excuse me." "Colonel?" "Captain Newman." "This report of yours on Colonel Bliss, that the only basis you have for grounding him?" "Yes, sir." "Because of a trivial incident at the Officers' Club last night?" "Well, I don't recall using the word "trivial" anywhere in there, Colonel." "(CHUCKLING) Come now, Newman." "He chewed out a second lieutenant for spilling his drink." "So what?" "He apologized to him a moment later, didn't he?" "Yes, sir." "And he apologized again and again and again, until the lieutenant, in sheer embarrassment, had to leave the place." "His behavior was out of proportion, to my mind..." "I know, I know." "Symptomatic of mental disturbance." "Quote, unquote." "You're bound and determined to get Colonel Bliss into that Sunnybrook Farm of yours, aren't you?" "Well, you're not." "Because he doesn't belong with your prize collection of oddballs, malingerers and yellow-bellies who get themselves a rest cure by coming to you with a cock-and-bull story about how they get the sweats every time they think of home and mother." "Colonel, every man in Ward 7 is sick." "I think that Colonel Bliss may be sick, too." "You think he may be sick?" "I'm sorry I can't be more specific, but the kind of sickness we deal with doesn't show up in X-rays or fluoroscopes." "It shows up in behavior." "Colonel Bliss is one of the most brilliant tacticians fighting the air war in the Pacific." "And he's needed back at his command!" "Well, if he is unstable, he shouldn't be back at his command." "The lives of too many men depend on his judgment." "Larrabee." "Sir." "I'm ordering a special medical hearing for Colonel Bliss." "I don't want Captain Newman present or anyone influenced by Captain Newman." "Just stay close to me, Barney." "Try to look as if it's all old stuff." "(WHISTLES) Rise and shine, men." "Bombs away." "He's in." "(ALL CHEERING) Captain Flak Juice rides again!" "(WHOOPING)" "(SINGING) Captain Flak Juice came to town with Blodgett and Gavoni" "Stuck a patient you know where and called it macaroni" "Step right up and get your shot..." "It will hurt an awful lot" "'Cause we say baloney" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "You guys seem a bit depressed this morning." "Let's hear it for Captain Newman." "(ALL BOOING)" "One of these days you guys are gonna drive me nuts." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Gentlemen, prepare for morning rounds." "Well, Arthur, how's everything?" "Patient slept fine." "Appetite good, digestion marvelous, drainage system sensational." "Arthur Werbel, ready for discharge, sir." "But he ain't moving an inch out of this beautiful bed, Doc, because he's got it made." "Made." "You can say that again, sailor." "But you're gonna have to develop some symptoms." "Now, how can I keep you in here unless you show me some symptoms?" "Well, symptoms..." "You describe them, I'll develop them." "I got talent, Doc." "Look." "Oh, gee." "Oh, Doc." "Right here in the gut, they got me." "Oh, I'm dying." "Blodgie." "Blodgie, give me a kiss before I kick off." "Now, that alone proves I'm off my rocker." "Right?" "Wouldn't fool an intern in Ward 2." "You know how dumb they are." "They got me in the back, Doc." "I'm burning up." "Oh, Doc." "I'm dying." "No, don't touch that." "Drop dead, buster!" "No jerk is getting this hat off my head!" "I'm getting out of here, see." "I'm busting out of here and heading for the Navy to be with my brother Frank." "Frank is my brother!" "Who's helping him, huh?" "Who's looking after him?" "Now take it easy, sailor." "In a pig's eye." "I didn't ask to be in this cheesy Air Corps." "I should be out looking after Frank." "Doc, I'II..." "I'll do anything, honest." "I'll do anything in the Navy." "I'll swab the decks," "I'll take top deck ack-ack, I'll stay down in the sub." "You got to fix it." "You, please, got to get me out of here." "Please." "We need a little more time." "Why don't you tell the lieutenant here that you didn't really want him to drop dead?" "Hmm?" "I'm sorry, Lieutenant." "I..." "I take it all back." "I don't want you to drop dead." "See, I'm apologizing, Doc." "Attaboy." "Would it help any if he could see his brother?" "It might, except he doesn't have a brother." "Well, Bobby." "So what's the good word today?" "That's right." "Try." "Come on, Bobby." "Let Captain Newman hear how nicely you can say it." "You said "hello" for me this morning." "Remember?" "He did, Doc." "I heard him say "hello" plain as anything." "It'll come, Bobby." "Morning, Captain." "How you feeling?" "I got a few pains." "You know, right here." "Captain, you're not eating right." "How'd you sleep?" "All right." "Any bad dreams, Captain?" "The usual." "Dry." "That's good." "No sweat." "That's the first thing to look for, right?" "You're handling your tensions better, boy." "Nurse, give this patient 20 ccs of flak juice and a high colonic." "He's a good boy." "(CHUCKLING) Just a little wacky." "Thinks he's a captain." "Thinks he's a psychiatrist." "Well, it's all that stuff you've got me on, Carrozzo." "It gives me delusions of grandeur." "(MIMICKING MACHINE GUN FIRING)" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "It's all right." "It's all right." "Come on." "Attaboy." "BLODGETT:" "Come on, back to your beds." "Get that little yellow-belly out of here." "He makes me sick." "That "little yellow-belly," as you call him, racked up 26 missions." "Now, what the devil have you done, except beat up on some kid half your size?" "It's tough enough around here without..." "Baloney!" "All you do is beef, bulldoze and feel sorry for yourself." "Now when are you gonna wise up?" "The next time this character pulls something like that, you bring him to my office." "Can't a guy have any fun around here?" "Not that kind." "Now look, I'm stuck with you and you're stuck with me." "One of us has got to change, and it's going to be you." "Okay, Doc." "Thanks, Gavoni." "Hey, Doc." "I got that orderly." "We've been playing gin and he's beating my brains out." "Well, never mind about that." "I'll pick up the tab." "Just send him in." "Fine." "I'd better get squared away." "Thanks for the tour." "Roger." "Yeah." "By all means." "Roger." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Come in." "Good morning." "Well, what's your name?" "Leibowitz." "First name?" "Jackson." "Sit down." "How old are you?" "Twenty-seven." "I believe that it's customary for a soldier to address an officer as "sir."" "Sir." "Well, what's customary for a soldier is tough for a civilian." "But you're not a civilian." "I feel like a civilian." "Congratulations." "I assume that you've worked in a hospital before." "Yes." "Sir." "Go on, Corporal." "Go on where?" "Tell me about your experience." "What's to tell?" "Let's see." "The camp I just came from..." "I don't want to knock the government, you understand, but the animals in the Bronx Zoo had it better." "They had me working in the wards day and night for 10 months steady." "I didn't like it." "You mustn't hide your feelings." "That's what I figured." "Well, what kinds of wards did you work in?" "All kinds." "Give me a hint." "General, surgery, infectial diseases, that's where I caught everything." "OB." "That was for the officers' wives." "The rate they're getting pregnant, they're not gonna need a draft in 20 years." "Have you ever worked in an N.P. Ward?" "A mental ward?" "Psychiatric cases." "Nuts?" "They are not nuts." "Gee, Doc, you're not gonna put me in a nut house." "It is not a nut house." "I'll drop dead." "Inside of one hour I'll drop dead." "Sit down." "You better ask me to lay down." "Already I'm a patient." "Now, listen." "Doctor." "(LAUGHS)" "I don't know where you guys get all these cockeyed ideas." "The boys in my ward are just depressed." "So am I. Miserable." "They're miserable?" "Look at me." "Sit down." "Doc!" "Leibowitz, this is a perfectly safe ward." "There is no danger involved." "Patients in my ward are not allowed to have matches or razors or sharp objects of any kind." "But teeth they got." "We've been here for some time and we haven't lost an orderly yet." "Don't spoil your record, Captain." "I'll take my chances." "Now, do you have any questions?" "You don't have to raise your hand." "I'm as surprised as you that I still have the strength." "Ask the question." "Captain, I appreciate you trying to boost my morale, but let us face facts." "It goes against my grain." "You are putting me in a booby hatch." "Leibowitz, what the devil is the matter with you?" "You look like an intelligent..." "Don't be fooled by my looks." "But you'll get the best food on the post..." "Who's got an appetite?" "You have my deepest sympathy." "From a plumber I expect sympathy." "From a psychiatrist I expect understanding." "Corporal Leibowitz has just volunteered to work with us." "But Captain..." "Would you like Sergeant Kopp to show you around now?" "No." "No, what?" "No, sir." "Good." "Start with the ward, Arkie." "But, Captain, I've..." "Let's go, Leibowitz." "Glad to have you with us." "(SHEEP BLEATING) You think so, huh?" "People always make that mistake until they get to know me." "Hey." "Already I'm hearing things." "What's that..." "You're not hearing anything yet." "We keep sheep in the back yard for tests for the lab." "How about a nice game of gin tonight?" "Who plans that far ahead?" "LEIBOWITZ:" "I'm living from minute to minute." "He'll make a good orderly, Blodgie." "He understands suffering." "You're leveling, Doc." "I'm all right now?" "You're as normal as fleas on a dog." "All that's left is for you to realize it." "You better get around to it." "I've got you marked fit for duty." "You're going back to your outfit." "I am?" "When?" "I think I can steal you a 10-day pass." "Ten days at home with your family and after that..." "So, start packing." "I need your bed." "You've got it, sir." "And I got a 4:10 bus to catch." "LEIBOWITZ: (SINGING) Old MacDonald had a farm, E- l-E-l-O" "And on that farm he had some chicks" "Your new orderly is standing on a chair, conducting the Colfax Glee Club." "Next, he'll be passing out lollipops." "MEN: (SINGING) Here a chick, there a chick" "Everywhere a chick, chick" "LEIBOWITZ:" "Come on, you guys." "Louder." "Everybody." "Come on, you crazy bums." "Don't you want to get well?" "Sing!" "Old MacDonald had a farm, E- l-E-l-O" "Well, yes, we set up a medical hearing for Tuesday, but Colonel Bliss begged off." "And after all his yelling to get out of here." "Did he say why?" "No." "I offered to set up another hearing at his convenience." "He was to let me know, and that was three days ago." "How is that for a puzzler?" "It worries me." "Whatever was behind that Officers' Club thing," "Colonel Bliss doesn't think it was trivial." "(EXCLAIMS) Sorry, sir." "Oh, Colonel?" "Yes." "I finally solved the mystery of the missing orderly." "Corporal Leibowitz didn't vanish into thin air." "He was somehow maneuvered into Ward 7 and he's been working there ever since." "Isn't that so, Captain Newman?" "Well, is it?" "Well, I couldn't call an attractive girl like that a liar." "Joe, you can't just hijack a soldier and put him in your ward without telling anyone." "As far as the Army is concerned," "Leibowitz has been AWOL for two weeks." "You're absolutely right, Colonel." "Excuse me for just a moment." "BARNEY:" "Joe!" "Well, I'll be shoving off." "Thanks for everything." "Pleasure having you, Barney." "Say hello to the Pentagon." "(CHUCKLING) We don't speak." "Well, so long." "So long." "Lieutenant Corum, I'm truly very sorry." "I'll check my staff, I'll find out who's responsible for this." "Try sodium pentothal." "It's wonderful stuff for getting at the truth." "If that is what we're after, Captain." "Well, Leibowitz probably just happened to drift in." "Guess we'll have to put the whole thing down to a foul-up in paperwork." "All right." "The truth is, we needed him." "You needed him?" "My ward and all the others are shorthanded, too." "Well, I'll tell you what." "We'll make a deal." "The very next orderly that checks in..." "You'll let us have him." "Now what could be fairer than that?" "The next two." "A deal?" "A deal." "I'm due back." "Oh, Corum, I wouldn't stew about that Leibowitz thing." "You'll get the next orderly that comes in, if I have to deliver him to you personally." "A pair of them are due in the morning." "Mmm-mmm." "They're arriving at 7:00 tonight, sir." "Thanks." "You're welcome." "Call on me anytime." "Did you get Haskell's lab report?" "I sent Arkie for it." "You know, this stuff is A, B, C." "I don't know why they make such a big thing about it." "Leibowitz, since when does a corporal send a sergeant on an errand?" "Don't answer that." "Since Leibowitz came to Ward 7." "What do you mean, A, B, C?" "You went to medical school for this?" "Well, it helped fill in some time." "I was small for my age." "You see, Captain, it's simple, if you're good with people." "You see, I was always good with people." "Even in the fifth grade the kids used to open up to me." ""Jake, what should I do?" ""I feel lousy, I feel great, I feel funny, I'm all mixed-up." ""Jake, what's happening to me?"" "You see, in my group, I was the unofficial couch." "Captain, I could write one of these." "Will you autograph me a copy of the book when you get around to it?" "Sarcasm is for children." "From a psychiatrist I expect honestness." ""Honesty," Jake, not "honestness."" "So flunk me in English." "Get Lieutenant Corum in Ward 4 on the phone." "You want me to phone?" "Yes, if you're not required in surgery." "(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)" "I hope you're thirsty." "Mmm-hmm." "Ordered it in advance." "Here, I'll do that." "Thank you very much." "Thanks." "Since when does the Blue Grotto serve imported champagne?" "Since Leibowitz came to Ward 7." "I don't know where he got it, and I've learned not to ask any questions." "You want this now?" "Oh, my goodness." "How beautiful!" "There we are." "Thank you." "It's a little silly, I suppose." "I read somewhere that a girl never forgot those flowers once she'd been to the Islands." "It's true." "How did you know I was stationed in Honolulu?" "Well, I heard it somewhere." "The Officers' Club, I suppose." "I thought maybe you pulled my 201 file." "That would be an invasion of privacy." "It's a compliment, in a way." "Anyway, it would have said that I'm single, my blood type is B. NEWMAN:" "B." "And that I wear a size..." "A size 10 dress." "Your blood type is A, and you were in the glee club at Farragut High School, you have an appendix scar right about here, maybe a little farther over, and you did your residency at Tulane." "You read my 201?" "Mmm-hmm." "All of it?" "Don't be silly." "You should know no girl ever reads past the space marked" ""married" or "single."" "Well, if we're both peeping Toms, let's have a drink to that." "Francie, you're a good-Iooking woman." "Thank you." "It's important to have a good-Iooking woman around." "Big morale factor." "It gives a man incentive." "Now, you take a man cowering under a bed." "I beg your pardon?" "Cowering under a bed." "You've seen Blodgett." "Who'd come out for her?" "But one look at your legs and they'd come shooting right up through the mattress." "Any man in that ward." "I think I understand, but I'm not sure." "And you're thoroughly qualified." "Two years of premed at Barnard, a full course at Saint Vincent's." "Year and a half at Massachusetts General, plus your service duties." "Is that the reason you pulled my 201?" "You're perfect for it." "For Ward 7." "You'd like me to transfer?" "And that's the reason for the flowers and the champagne." "Come on, let's dance." "No." "Let's fight." "It's not gonna do anybody any good if you're gonna be cross..." "Just what makes you think I'd join that big funny farm of yours?" "You're all off in a world of your own." "Joining your crowd is like taking the veil." "Not for me, friend." "I don't regard that as a "no" answer." "That is a reaction, not a judgment." "Don't give me any of your..." "And as far as your legs are concerned," "I have never seen a better example..." "Are you Captain Newman?" "Yes." "There's a telephone call." "You can take it right over here at the bar." "Excuse me, fellows." "Newman here." "Boy, we got trouble." "Some colonel's gone berserk." "Who?" "Bliss." "He got into the ward with some cockamamie story, then he turned the place upside down looking for you." "He's got a knife six inches long, believe me." "What are you doing on the phone?" "Get him out of that ward." "We did." "We got him in the shower room." "Arkie and Gavoni are holding the door shut." "Meanwhile, he's on the other side trying to bust out." "There are three of you and one of him." "Get that knife away from him." "Doc, that could be dangerous." "I know it's dangerous, but you've got to do it." "He might kill himself." "If I try to take that knife away from him, he'll kill me." "All right." "Hold him in the shower till I get there." "Right?" "Jake!" "Jake!" "Let me out of here!" "Damn you." "(SHOUTING)" "Doc said take away the knife." "Who?" "He didn't say." "All right, all right!" "I'm elected." "Let go." "Are you sure?" "No, I'm not sure, you dumbhead." "All right!" "One, two, let go." "Pigs!" "(GRUNTING)" "(MEN GROANING)" "Pharmacy key." "KOPP:" "Come on." "Everybody, get back." "Come on." "Back in your beds." "Come on." "Doc, look at this baby." "I better go in with you, that Bliss is as strong as an ox." "Bleeding to death, I'm not." "You just wait here." "You..." "You filthy, scheming meddler." "I'll kill you, kill you, kill you..." "You are not gonna kill anyone, do you hear me?" "Where the devil do you think you are?" "In some jungle free-for-all?" "What do you mean, coming in here endangering my men?" "Who asked you to meddle in my life?" "Who gave you the right to probe and to spy on me?" "You did." "By your actions." "Take a good look at yourself, Colonel, and then tell me I did the wrong thing." "Look at yourself." "Is this what you would have done overseas?" "Damn your eyes." "God shrivel your heart and consume your monstrous brain." "You're vile." "Vile!" "Vile!" "Vile!" "Vicious contempt." "Get hold of yourself." "Remember who you are." "You are Colonel Norval Algate Bliss." "A command officer." "Remember that." "Colonel Norval Algate Bliss." "Now behave yourself." "Put your arms down, Colonel." "Put your arms down." "You swine." "You..." "You clever, scheming swine." "Take it easy, Colonel." "You need lots of sleep." "Why do you fight me?" "Here we go." "Let's get to bed." "Right now." "Into bed." "Into bed." "Peppy." "All right." "Show's over." "Everybody back to bed." "Okay, Doc." "That's all." "All right." "You better have Blodgett take a look at that cut and hit the sack." "I'm on duty, Doc." "Well, get Ruskin to relieve you." "I'm relieved enough already." "Come on, Stan." "I suppose you..." "You had to shout at him like that." "I wasn't shouting at him," "I was shouting at his symptoms." "Good night, Doc." "Good night, Ralph." "Everything's fine." "Mama?" "Mama, please get me out of here." "Hello, Dave." "Hello, Dave." "Mama, please." "Mama." "Please, Mama." "Get me out of here." "Did you write to your girlfriend today, Dave?" "Please, Mama." "Get me out of here." "Mama, Mama, please." "Did you write to your girlfriend today?" "You said you would." "Did you write to her?" "Yeah." "Yes, the same old malarkey." "(LAUGHING)" "Same old malarkey." "Well, why don't you write to her again tomorrow, huh?" "NEWMAN:" "Give her a break." "DAVE:" "Okay." "Good night, Dave." "Good night, Doctor." "Good night." "GAVONl:" "This way, fellows." "Can you spare four beds and a room, Lieutenant?" "I think so." "Good." "Here." "Come on." "Straight ahead, fellow." "Everybody's your friend here." "Just follow your buddy in there." "It's okay." "Straight ahead." "Come on, buddy." "Nothing to worry about." "Straight ahead." "Room C, Arkie." "All right." "Jordan is scheduled for pentothal at 2:00." "Okay." "Do you want me to give you the rest of the scam on that kid in Ward 3?" "Leibowitz, it's not part of an orderly's duties to run around the hospital drumming up new business." "From such business, who, but the sick, can profit?" "His name is Tompkins." "He's a corporal, like me." "Now, for five nights in a row, he has snuck out of his ward and got himself plastered." "They seem to think they've got an ordinary lush on their hands, but in my opinion, he is a disturbed personality." "Cocky, but tense." "But he doesn't fool me." "My diagnosis is depression, agitated, troublemaker." "Well, I hope you didn't tell him that." "Maybe I'm fresh." "Stupid, no." "What I did tell him, though, was to come over and take a load off his emotions and see you." "Boy, did I give you a terrific recommendation." "Thanks." "Young doctor starting out needs all the help he can get." "Say, I thought I told you to shave." "I beg your pardon, Captain." "What you said was, "Why didn't you shave this morning?"" "That's not an order." "That's a question." "To which you have an answer which I've already heard," ""If God had intended men should have clean cheeks," ""would he have invented hair?" Shave." "I understand, Doc." "You are releasing your hostilities on me." "Very good." "I want you to do it because I don't want you should develop an ulcer." "I don't want you should develop a beard." "You'd better get into the ward." "Bliss has started to move and talk." "When did it happen?" "Must have been in the last hour or so." "I pulled Blodgett's morning report." ""Sixteenth day of observation," ""patient still lethargic, still refuses to speak."" "We'll need 15 replacements for operational aircraft." "Recent strikes at Rabal suggest that a monthly quota be set up for this unit." "Ground personnel is adequate but borderline." "I granted no appointment for this hour." "Dismissed." "(CHUCKLES)" "I'm dismissed before I've even come in." "Oh, the caduceus." "You're a doctor." "I'm Captain Newman." "And from my dreary abode, I conclude that you're one of the perceptive ones who babble brightly." "You see, Doctor, I'm thoroughly conversed with your psychiatric jargon." "Please, do come in." "Come in." "Well, proceed." "This should be refreshing." "I'm bored, Doctor." "I am bored with being beleaguered by brainless, benighted blockheads." "And I'm bored with B's." "I think I shall concentrate on P's for the rest of the afternoon." "How do you feel?" "(CLICKING TONGUE)" "Standard opening." "You disappoint me." "Have you no imagination?" "I'm holding it in reserve." "You've got enough for both of us, Colonel." "Colonel?" "Colonel?" "My name is Future, not Colonel." "I see." "What a pity Mr. Past is not here." "He'd be amused by you." "Mr. Past." "Who's he?" "He's a friend." "A very close, very special friend." "I gave my word, sir, as an officer and a gentleman, never to reveal his whereabouts." "Lips sealed." "Ergo, in your hospital, you have me, Mr. Future, about whom you know nothing, while in your files rests a dossier on Mr. Past, who is nowhere to be found." "One patient with no case history, one case history with no patient." "(LAUGHING)" "What a paradox?" "No." "What a triumph." "Well," "I can see that we're just wasting time." "Oh, no, now please, don't go." "I'm enjoying your visit." "Well, I don't doubt it, but, you see, I didn't come here for the purpose of providing a patronizing patient with a plethora of private pleasure." "Bravo, bravo, seven P's." "Is Mr. Future mad, sir?" "I repeat." "Is Mr. Future mad?" "Or is he not mad?" "Mr. Future is an invention." "Bless my soul." "Oh, penetrating prophet of the psyche." "Is he incurable?" "I can't tell yet." "You see, most people talk to reveal." "You talk to conceal." "But to a good psychiatrist, isn't the act of concealment very revealing in itself?" "Mr. Future, you're too intelligent a man to spend the rest of your days in a mental hospital." "Is that likely?" "That's what usually happens when people split themselves in two." "Daylight recon flights will continue." "Lieutenants Bergman, Brady, Oswald," "Reinhardt will patrol Sector A." "Sector B, Lieutenants Grace, Newhouse," "Captains Moore and Leary." "Oh, Jackson." "Can you get a hold of one of those radio techs and have him wire this room for playback?" "I want to know everything that Bliss says." "Okay." "Oh, and tell him yourself." "The light seemed to bother him." "He's more comfortable this way." "Paul" "Cabot" "Winston." "Tired." "Captain Winston." "Paul?" "Paul." "It's happened before." "Once at the evac hospital, he went to sleep for three days." "His case file is on your desk, but it doesn't give you much to go on." "His plane crash-landed in France." "Missing in action 13 months." "Liberating forces found him in a cellar." "He identified himself and blacked out." "The evac N.P. Tried shock, then pentothal." "Negative." "He can't or won't respond." "Anything from French locals?" "Nothing in the report." "He was 13 months in a cellar." "That's all there is." "Oh, Francie, Leibowitz thinks we have another customer." "Check on a boy named Tompkins, Ward 3." "Mmm-hmm." "Which one is he?" "Just take a look and guess." "He's all yours, if you want him." "Bed eight." "Thanks, Katie." "Hello, there." "Hi, fellas." "Pick a card." "(MEN WHISTLING)" "Darling." "Hi." "Darling." "Darling." "FRANCIE:" "Evening, Corporal." "I'm Lieutenant Corum." "Well, how are you, beautiful?" "Are you gonna take care of me?" "No." "I'm in Ward 7." "Hurray for you." "How are you coming along here?" "I've been in worse places." "Well, is there anything you need?" "Yeah." "Some cheaper booze and some juicier broads." "In that order?" "Okay, so you don't shock easy in Ward 7." "Big deal." "First it was that Corporal Leibowitz." "Now it's you." "Maybe you're prettier than he is, ma'am, but I'm gonna give it to you like I gave it to him." "You tell Captain Newman I said to shove it." "Ain't nobody gonna slap no needle in me." "It's getting a little crowded in here." "I think I'm gonna go for a walk." "BLISS:" "To include Captains Trabert, Adler, McDonnell," "Lieutenants Jacobs and Hassmiller." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Tompkins' file." "And a message for you," ""Shove it."" "Sounds rude." "I can't read him." "I don't know if there's anything wrong with him or if he's trying to live up to his reputation as a stinker." "Severe gastrointestinal pains." "Insomnia." "He's 20 years old?" "Mmm-hmm." "Something wrong with him, all right." "In that case, you'd better drop by and see him." "I'm sure he won't come here." "I can't help him unless he comes to me." "If I go to him, I'm the weaker." "Lost him before I start." "It's his move." "Now help me with these names, will you?" "Joe, you don't intend to write to everybody Bliss mentions?" "Now I've written to the Senior Air Surgeon in New Guinea, and asked him to talk to all the people who were close to Bliss." "The key to his split is somewhere in his past." "So, if I can't get it from him, I have to go elsewhere." "Now, is this third name McDonnell or MacDonald?" "BLISS:" "To include Captains Trabert, Adler, McDonnell," "Lieutenants Jacobs and Hassmiller." "(ALL CHATTERING)" "Leibowitz." "Later!" "It's Gavoni." "Gavoni?" "He's outside!" "He must've found out." "(SHUSHING) Now, wait a minute, fellas." "We've got a small crisis on our hands." "Now, let's deal with it." "Everybody go back to their places." "Go ahead." "When I find my salami, I'm gonna make..." "Go." "Up the sleeve." "Good boy." "Leibowitz!" "LEIBOWITZ:" "Hi, Gavoni." "Don't "Hi, Gavoni" me." "Somebody stole my salami." "Are you accusing one of my patients of being a crook?" "I ain't accusing them." "These men are in the service of their country." "I know who took it." "One of these men may turn out to be another Eisenhower." "Leibowitz, I want that salami and I ain't kidding." "Now, will you take it easy?" "Now, to begin with, are you sure you had a salami?" "Gavoni had a salami!" "My sister sent it to me!" "She sends me one every week without fail." "Well, in that case, why don't you check with the post office?" "Have them put a tracer on it." "I don't need no tracer." "That salami's right here in this room." "And what's more, it was stolen." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "It was stolen, huh?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Well, in that case, we're gonna help you find your man." "Now let's start at the very top." "Do you think Colonel Pyser stole your salami?" "You know who stole it." "You did." "Now, just a minute." "Don't try to back out." "You already accused these men." "Who blamed anybody in this..." "Don't try to weasel out of this." "Did I blame anybody in this room?" "Did I?" "The damage is done." "You've already thrown the whole ward into a trauma." "Right, men?" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "All right, all right!" "I've heard it a thousand times." "Gavoni, that's very bad psychology." "You've given everybody a guilt complex." "The least you could do is apologize." "Now apologize." "Come on." "All right." "I'm sorry." "Words, words." "Nothing but words." "Sorry." "Gavoni, if you're really sorry, show it." "How?" "Share your salami with these men." "How can I share a salami I don't have?" "Gavoni, Gavoni." "That's beside the point." "Let's get to the meat of the question." "Would you share it?" "Yeah." "Good!" "Okay, men, you heard Gavoni." "He's gonna share the salami." "So let's give him a hand and find it." "Arkie, no one leaves this ward till we find that salami." "Men, let's look!" "Under the beds, in the pillowcases, check your pockets." "Remember Lost Weekend?" "Check the fixtures." "Come on, let's go!" "Everybody, look!" "Look under the beds." "Look in the pillowcases." "Let's find it!" "I found it!" "That's it." "Now just a minute, Gavoni." "Just a minute." "Gavoni, are you sure this is your salami?" "It's a Genoese." "(ALL LAUGHING) It's your salami." "See." "All that fuss, all that screaming?" "No one stole your salami, Gavoni." "You lost it." "Butterfingers." "How could I lose a salami in somebody's bathrobe?" "Gavoni, may I remind you of a cardinal rule in the field of psychiatry?" "In the words of Sigmund Freud," ""Show me a man that can lose his temper" ""and I'll show you a man that can lose his salami."" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Gavoni, come here." "Start cutting." "Do you mind?" "Oh, by the way, Gavoni." "Yeah?" "I promised Bobby the first slice." "GAVONl:" "Roger." "MAN:" "The one in the middle's mine." "And give my best to your sister." "They're all yours, Captain." "Thank you, Doctor." "Oh, excuse me." "This came this morning." "I think it's for you." ""Big shot, cuckoo squad."" "That's me, all right." "It's from Tompkins." "He wants me to meet him tonight in the rec hall." "In my opinion, Tompkins..." "I leave it entirely in your hands." "I have every confidence." "Excuse me." "At 11:00." "Hey, douse the light, will you, Doc?" "It's all right." "Come on in." "They gig me if they find me." "I'll take care of that." "Okay." "You know something, Doc?" "A man should never drink alone." "It turns him into an alcoholic." "Have a shot." "All right." "Oh, no, I brung you a cup." "You're an officer and a gentleman." "No gentleman should ever drink from a bottle." "But you better drink it fast before it rots the paper." "Tompkins, this stuff won't turn you into an alcoholic." "It'll turn you into a corpse." "Not me, Doc." "Why, me and Big Jim, we used to knock off a couple of these pints every night." "Turn the light out, Doc." "Just turn it out!" "You know something?" "Big Jim was the only buddy I ever had." "Only guy ever treated Little Jim real good." "Yeah." "And you know what I done?" "(SOBBING) Don't let me..." "Don't let me talk no more, Doc." "If I talk, I'll blow my top." "I'll just smash the lamps and throw the chairs around." "I'm gonna pump my fists right through the glass in the window." "Sure, sure." "You throw the chairs around, you put your fists through all the glass, and it won't do you a bit of good." "Not one bit and you know it." "Now, why don't you get it off your chest once and for all?" "Come on." "What happened?" "I'm in a sweat, Doc." "I don't want to talk about it." "Oh, God, I don't..." "I don't even want to think about it." "I'll bet you are thinking about it all the time." "Day and night, week after week." "You play the guitar to use up your thoughts." "You fight off sleep so you won't dream." "You get swacked to run away from memory." "That's a stupid way to live." "That's a damned stupid way to live." "Doc, you gimme the flak juice." "I'm asking for it." "Give it to me now." "Right now." "Okay." "You lay off the booze for a couple of days." "Not a drop, you understand?" "I'll tell them to stop medication." "And more pills to help you sleep." "Then we'll give you the flak." "You mean you ain't gonna give it to me now?" "I mean, when I'm asking for it?" "Nope." "It'll hold." "Well, if you ain't gonna give it to me now, well, you can forget it." "In fact, you can shove it." "Boy, they sure picked the right guy to boss the loony squad, didn't they?" "Yeah." "All right, Jim, you can roll up your sleeve now." "I'll do that." "Boy, that's a hot one." "Two officers putting me to bed." "Say, is it all right if I take off my shoes, Doc?" "Sure." "I kind of sleep better without them." "That's all I'm gonna do, isn't it, Doc?" "Just sleep?" "That's right." "Hey, that's enough, Doc." "I don't want to wake up an old man." "All right, Jim." "Here we go." "Now, this'll make you drowsy." "When I tell you to start counting, start counting, but backward from 100." "Have you got that?" "Backwards from 100." "100, 99... 100, 99," "98." "It's hot." "Feels hot, Doc." "100, 99... 100, 99, 98, 97," "96..." "It sure is getting hot, Doc." "Five." "Four. 97." "NEWMAN:" "That's all right, now." "Let that old prop wash hit you." "Yeah, that's better." "I'm getting wind off number two inboard." "94, 93," "92..." "All right, Jim." "Come on now, Jim." "You're gonna take us for a ride." "Come on, boy." "Tuesday, November 17, 18:05." "Come on, now." "Let's go, let's go." "Come on." "Can't keep a war waiting." "That's a sweat job." "Nothing to it." "Ride on over there and drop a few of them little old firecrackers on them." "Cream 'em, boy." "Okay, Big Jim." "Here goes." "Me and Buck in the waist," "Big Jim up front with Lieutenant Bates." "Up, come on, get up." "Come on!" "Get this two-bit coffin off the ground, Big Jim!" "Come on, get it up." "Hey, we're up now!" "(EXHALES)" "Waist to pilot." "Waist to pilot." "You mind if I take me a couple of practice blasts?" "Roger." "Waist working okay." "Over." "Hey, Buck." "You and me gotta get us a couple of broads when we get back." "Yeah, with builds on 'em that won't quit." "I mean real balloon smugglers." "And they gotta swing this time." "Not like that last time." "All them two wanted to do was drink." "I don't sure like what the war is doing to dames." "They just want to drink, that's all." "Hey, what's that, Buck?" "Down there at 4 o'clock." "Coming at us now at 3." "No, at 2 o'clock." "It's a ME 109." "I got him." "Yeah, I got him." "Hey, he's going down, Buck!" "Go ahead, now." "Fry!" "Fry!" "Burn, you Nazi!" "Fry!" "Holy Jesus." "There's three more of 'em." "Hey, we're hit." "Hey!" "Oh, dear Jesus." "The oil!" "The oil!" "(SCREAMING)" "Buck!" "Hey, Buck!" "We're going down!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God." "My dear Jesus." "Dear Jesus, save me." "Save me." "Oh, God, don't let us crash, please!" "I'll be good!" "I'll be good!" "I promise I'll be good." "Big Jim, Big Jim, bring it up." "We're gonna crash!" "We're gonna crash!" "Take it up, you crud!" "Take it up!" "Get this up, dear God!" "Don't let it crash!" "(SCREAMING)" "Come on, Jim." "Come on." "You're down." "It crashed." "You're in that plane." "Gotta get out here." "I gotta get out." "The escape hatch." "We gotta get out of here." "Yeah, the escape hatch." "Hey, Buck!" "Come on!" "Buck?" "Oh, no, no, no." "He got..." "Oh, God!" "He got no head!" "Oh, God!" "God!" "Oh, God, put back his head, please!" "God!" "Somebody?" "God, please!" "Please put back his head." "He don't look right." "Oh, fire." "Fire." "Oh, I gotta get out of here." "I gotta get out of here." "I'm out." "Oh, God, I'm out." "Thank God." "Thank God." "I'm out." "Who's yelling?" "Who's yelling?" "Big Jim?" "Big Jim?" "Little Jim." "Little Jim, help me!" "Little Jim, save me." "Oh, I gotta go back." "Gotta go back." "Go back and get him!" "Go back and get him, you yellow-belly." "No, run, run, run, run!" "Yeah, run!" "Look out!" "Look out." "Run, run, run." "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "(WAILING)" "Hey, Doc, I must've dozed off." "I sure feel good." "That's the best I've slept in months." "Hey, Lieutenant." "What do you know?" "You been here all night?" "Hey, Doc, did I gab a lot in my sleep?" "Uh-huh." "What did I say?" "Oh, you guys all think you're the worst." "I'm not handing out any prizes around here." "If I were, you wouldn't have a chance." "I was expecting stuff that'd blow me right off of that chair." "You're not even in the running." "I've got guys in this ward that make you look like Little Orphan Annie." "I thought that..." "Yeah, I know." "I know." "But it'll hold." "I'll see you Monday, same time, my office." "Come on, now." "Get your tail off of there." "Get some hot coffee from Leibowitz." "Run around the track, play volleyball." "I got work to do." "So that was flak juice, huh?" "Uh-huh." "Big deal." "Best shot I ever did get from old Uncle Sam." "Beats booze." "NEWMAN:" "When they wake up, they feel great." "And then your problems begin." "Hell, I'm a doctor." "That's all." "They ask too much of me." "No." "No, they don't." "Not when you think of what we ask of them." "And they have to go up, hang in the air, and get shot at." "You don't get shot down in a psychiatric ward." "Nobody ever crashed behind a desk." "But the boy on the cot." "Should we send him back?" "Should we make him well and strong again?" "We protect the sick." "We feed them, and we love them and we keep them safe." "Our job is to make them well." "Well enough to go out and be killed." "My God, what an awful shame." "Kind of you to drive me home." "All right." "I..." "I thank you." "I thank you." "Thank you for a lovely evening." "FRANCIE:" "Oh, Joe." "Joe, we'll be court-martialed." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "There's a shortage of doctors and nurses." "It's true." "Aren't you the fellow who just fell off a jeep?" "Yep." "Remarkable, isn't it?" "Oh, you've got a beautiful neck." "Good try, old man." "Tomorrow, around 2:00." "Excuse me, Captain." "I have Corporal Tompkins in your office." "He's waiting for you." "Well, how's it gonna look if you're late?" "It's gonna look as if you're not interested." "Like you don't care." "That can give a patient a feeling of insecurity." "Yes, Leibowitz." "Thank you." "Thank you." "That Captain Winston, I never saw a patient look so sad." "You mustn't confuse sadness with depression, Professor." "Is there a difference?" "Looks, Leibowitz, can be deceiving." "Can a man look sad and still be happy?" "Yes." "Example?" "You." "Hi, Doc." "I feel sharp as a tack today." "You talk." "I'll just listen." "I got nothing more to say." "Nothing." "Take your feet off my desk, soldier." "You heard me." "And sit up straight in that chair." "Take that cheap cigar out of your mouth." "Go on." "Put it out." "Now don't ever pull that act again on me, Tompkins." "When you're in this room, you'll show some respect for me and for yourself." "I'm not gonna let you cheapen any man who did 34 missions and who wears all those decorations on his chest." "You understand?" "All right." "Clam up." "I'm gonna help you even if you fight me every inch of the way." "I can be just as rough on you as you are on yourself." "So every day for the next couple of weeks, we're gonna take off the gloves and give little Jim Tompkins a real shellacking." "I ran out on him, that's what I done." "I ran out on him just like a punk chicken." "Oh, you were scared when the plane crashed!" "Who wouldn't be?" "You panicked." "You ran for your life just like any guy would." "But not Little Jim." "He's not allowed to be human, is he?" "I should have gone back." "Holy mother of God." "That was Big Jim in there and I just should have gone back and pulled him out." "What makes you so sure that you could've pulled him out?" "The plane would still have exploded." "And you'd have been blown up into those pieces that nobody ever found." "Just like Big Jim." "You could've avoided the whole mess we're in right now by the simple process of getting yourself blown up." "Stop it." "Stop it!" "You feel the need to suffer." "Go ahead." "But let's be fair about the thing, man." "Let's work out a reasonable amount of misery to pay off the guilt." "Now, I have an idea, Jim, and it's a beaut." "Why don't you chop off a foot?" "Well, you heard me." "Get yourself an ax and go out here somewhere and have an accident and come back without a foot." "Doc, you're talking crazy." "Why, is a foot too much?" "How about some toes?" "Or some fingers?" "How about just one lousy little finger?" "You're nuts." "That wouldn't bring Big Jim back." "Neither will what you've been doing to yourself." "Look at me, Doc." "Me crying just like a little kid." "You're just crying for Big Jim." "And you ought to." "You loved him and he's dead." "Now you can let yourself feel, Jim." "Have you got a minute, Joe?" "Yeah, sure." "Oh, Francie, will you promote some coffee for Little Jim?" "The answer to that New Guinea letter." "Can we schedule a board hearing?" "Whenever you say." "As soon as possible." "Colonel Bliss, will you please state your name, rank and serial number?" "Colonel, would you identify yourself for us, please?" "Mr. Future, would you, please?" "Delighted." "Alonzo Archimedes Future." "United States Army, World Victory Two." "Expert in tactics, tautology, logistics and semantics." "Colonel, we'd like you to understand the nature of this hearing and its purpose." "I am not interested." "It's Mr. Past you seek, of course." "He spurns your invitation and he damns your inquisition!" "But enough of this prattle of idiots." "I put an end to this tristimanic farce." "Dismissed." "Proceed, Larrabee." ""It is recommended that subject officer be granted a medical discharge," ""to be committed to a veterans' hospital for prolonged treatment" ""under full custodial care."" "I've asked that he be sent to a hospital near where he was born and went to school." "Records, plus additional information from New Guinea, will be transmitted." "What information?" "Pertinent data from the Senior Air Surgeon." "It gives us a key." "Based on this, a slow, careful pattern of treatment is indicated." "The removal..." "Captain!" "It's Colonel Bliss!" "I don't know!" "He pushed me." "He whacked Arkie and made a break." "This way." "Colonel!" "No, Colonel!" "Don't!" "Arkie, get down." "Mr. Future." "I want to talk to you." "Mr. Future?" "Wait." "Wait, Mr. Future." "Don't." "Let's talk." "Wait." "Please." "Please." "Please." "I'd like to ask you a question, Newman." "Would this have happened if you hadn't bumped into him in the Officers' Club that night?" "Would he be leaving like this?" "I'll be very interested to see how you wrap up your report on this." "Colonel Bliss, not Mr. Future, but Colonel Bliss, did what he most wanted to do." "He..." "He got rid of his guilt." "He joined his men." "That list of names that we sent to New Guinea, they were all men he'd ordered into combat." "All dead." "Now you tell me if I could have saved him." "Did I..." "Did I play it too safe?" "Did I gamble too much?" "Could I have spotted the moment he'd turn back to the past?" "Could I have pulled one more thing from his brain?" "Was there a way?" "I wish to hell I knew." "This is a pretty thin turnout, Larrabee." "The Air Surgeon General'll be coming in on that airplane." "Where are the rest of your people?" "Still making the morning rounds, sir." "They'll get here as soon as they can." "I don't want them straggling in here one by one." "This is supposed to be an inspection." "Let's at least give a hint that we're in the Air Corps." "Sir, the Under Secretary's plane is in the traffic pattern." "It's coming in to land now." "Good." "(SHEEP BLEATING)" "What the devil is that?" "Do not, repeat not, attempt landing at this time." "Over." "I'll circle your field." "What's cooking?" "Over." "Sheep." "Over." "Sheep?" "Over." "Roger." "Sheep on the runways." "Sheep?" "Sheep?" "Yes, sir." "Sheep." "Sheep?" "My sheep?" "Well, who the devil else has got sheep around here, sir?" "All week long we've been cleaning up for inspection." "So how do you clean sheep?" "I tell Gavoni to take the sheep, put them on the other side of the field to graze." "With no fence?" "Sheep drift!" "Don't you know anything about sheep?" "In Jersey City, I should learn to be a shepherd?" "Don't scare 'em!" "They'll stampede." "They'll stampede!" "(SOLDIERS LAUGHING)" "Don't worry, Doc." "Now would you behave yourself?" "This is no time to be neurotic." "One more passenger for you." "All you men with the vehicles." "Surround them." "Surround them." "Now, this is an order." "You're the leader." "You lead and they'll follow." "Do you understand?" "(BLEATS)" "Very good." "Okay, Captain." "All right, boys." "Now move them out slowly." "Now lead." "Hiya, Barney." "Hello, Joe." "I thought you didn't speak to the Pentagon." "Oh, well, I still stutter a little." "Look, I've got to rush." "I just wanted you to know that General Snowden is coming by to see you later." "About a patient of yours, a Captain Paul Cabot Winston." "He's VIP, Joe." "Very VIP." "Now I've got to rush." "See you later." "The key is what happened to him in that cellar." "Yes, sir, but I can't get through to it." "If I question him, he falls asleep." "Sodium pentothal negative so far." "Well, it looks like it's going to be a long haul for him." "Yes, sir." "He's on the transfer list for extended hospitalization." "But at least he'll be close to his home and family." "It might help." "Newman, Winston's staying on here." "May I have the General's permission to ask why?" "The father flew down from Washington when they first brought Winston back." "He decided that it would be best if no other member of the family see Paul in his present condition." "Including his wife?" "Including his wife." "Well, it's too bad we don't have a place in Outer Mongolia." "You're missing the point, Newman." "The Winstons would feel the same about the Congressional Medal of Honor." "They'd want it to be a private matter." "Sir, we're scheduled to take off in 10 minutes." "Be right with you, Barney." "Newman, what are your plans after the war?" "Well..." "As of January 1, Colfax is going to be deactivated as a training base." "It becomes a permanent mental hospital." "I'd like you to stay on and run it." "You're dedicated, highly qualified." "Well, no offense, sir." "I..." "Oh, I like to think of myself as a qualified civilian." "Well, you don't have to make up your mind now." "You can send word to me in Washington." "We'll leave it open till I hear from you." "Please consider the matter carefully." "Yes, sir." "Roger!" "Hurry it up there!" "On the double!" "Move it!" "(CAR HORN HONKING)" "We came to say goodbye to you." "I sure appreciate that, Lieutenant." "And I want to thank you for all the nice things you done." "I didn't do anything." "Well, yes, you did." "You come up and talk with me when I was alone and I just wasn't alone no more." "And, Captain?" "No." "You did it, Jim." "We just showed you the way." "Well, I don't believe I would have found it myself." "In my humble opinion, you were in the hands of quacks in Ward 3." "You came to us and we knew what to do." "Now, you got everything?" "Uh-huh!" "Toothbrush?" "Yeah." "Candy bar, soap and nylon." "Jake, you're a wonder!" "Remind me to recommend you for procurement officer." "I accept." "You better get moving, Jim." "Yeah." "Jake, so long." "Goodbye." "Lieutenant." "Goodbye, Jim." "Thank you, Captain." "Thank you." "Oh, Jackson, you take the jeep back." "Think I could use a walk." "Poor Jake." "You've got him worried." "The word is you've been asked to stay on." "That'll just ruin Operation Penthouse." "Operation Penthouse?" "His post-war plan." "A huge psychiatric cartel to be known as Newman  Leibowitz." "He'll be glad to fill you in on details." "Now, don't tell me." "He'll be the business-getter." "A neurosis tout." "He's already got you located in San Francisco, with a branch office in Beverly Hills." "Well, that's nice." "Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do." "What about you, Francie?" "They'll want you to sign up again." "I'll have to be fair about it." "I'll flip a coin." "If it stays in the air, I'll sign on again." "I'm serious." "So am I." "When this is over, I want to get out and have some babies." "I suppose you might be pretty good at that, too." "If not, it's the kind of thing I could learn." "Do you think it's wrong of me, Joe?" "To want to close out my 201 file when this is over?" "KOPP:" "Hey, Captain." "What is it, Arkie?" "Blodgett asked me to find you." "You're wanted in your office." "She's probably looking for me, too." "It's 10 minutes into my shift." "Mrs. Winston is here." "Oh, Francie, perhaps you'd better bring Captain Winston into Room A." "Good evening." "I'm Helene Winston." "I'm Captain Newman." "But we weren't expecting you till tomorrow morning." "You called." "You said to come." "There's no virtue in delay, is there?" "Well, no." "I suppose not." "You found a nice place to stay?" "A tourist court." "Clean, from what I could see." "May I see my husband now, Captain Newman?" "Mrs. Winston, before you see your husband, I feel that I should mention that you'll find him strange," "listless, remote." "He may not even answer simple questions." "I'm afraid you just don't understand him, Captain Newman." "Paul was always given to reticence." "This is only temporary, I'm sure." "He's basically sound and well." "Don't you agree?" "In his mind, I mean." "His faculties." "Mrs. Winston, this is a psychiatric ward." "Oh, I know, Captain." "I'm aware of that." "I'm sure many men's emotional reverses require this kind of medical attention, but my husband," "no." "We are not people who pamper themselves, Captain Newman." "We're proud that we can draw on our inner will." "Mrs. Winston..." "I should like to see my husband now." "Oh, Mrs. Winston, Lieutenant Corum." "Good evening." "The ward itself is beyond that door but we thought you'd prefer to see your husband in here." "It's Helene, dear." "Aren't you going to ask me to sit down?" "You sent for her?" "But didn't General Snowden..." "I sent for her because he wasn't responding to anything else." "I had reason to believe he'd respond to her." "But how could he?" "She strolls in and asks for a seat." "She hasn't seen that man in two years." "It's her husband." "It's her lover, if we may speculate." "Well, it's strange for her." "What did you expect her to do?" "To behave like a wife." "Instead, she acts like a referee at a chess match." "He says he's tired." "Very tired." "I really shouldn't have come this late." "I'll take him back to his room." "He'll feel better in the morning." "Good night." "Can I give you a lift?" "Thank you." "I've rented a car." "Hup!" "Hup!" "Hup, two, three, four!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "Hup, two, three, four!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "Hup, two, three, four!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "Hup, two, three, four!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "Hup, two, three, four!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "Hup, two, three, four!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "Hup, two, three, four!" "Detail, halt!" "Package of goodies for you, Newman." "Compliments of the C.O." "Sign here, please." "Sign for what?" "Fourteen Italian prisoners of war." "And what the devil are 14 Italian POWs doing in the middle of the Arizona desert?" "Well, you see, according to the Geneva Convention, prisoners should be sent to a climate similar to the one in which they were captured." "We picked up 300 of those jokers in the Libyan Desert, and those 14 out there need hospitalization." "Are they mental cases?" "No." "Leibowitz, get me Colonel Pyser on the phone!" "Ask and you shall receive." "He's on the phone, calling you." "Captain Newman speaking." "Now what..." "Yes, they're here." "Just one question." "Isn't it a violation of the Geneva Convention to put prisoners of war in a psychiatric ward?" "I'm sure it is." "But you have the only ward where they can be kept under lock and key." "Does that make any sense to you?" "Some, sir." "Good." "Oh, and by the way, Newman, the United States is at war with Italy, so they're enemy, not houseguests." "And don't go probing around looking for any symptoms." "If they hate their fathers, that's all right with us." "They're enemy." "Period." "Leibowitz." "LEIBOWITZ:" "Yeah, Doc." "Take this bunch into the ward." "Have Blodgett check them in after they've been showered." "Sure, Doc." "(LEIBOWITZ SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "You see, in the neighborhood I came from, you had to know at least six different languages in order to do business." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "NEWMAN:" "Mrs. Winston, I'd counted on you for a..." "A breakthrough, some emotional reaction." "And as long as you've been here, nothing has happened." "Nothing from him and nothing from you." "I'm a patient woman, Captain." "Maybe too patient." "I beg your pardon?" "Mrs. Winston," "I hope that you're going to understand, and I don't want to embarrass you, but if your answers will help me to understand, if they'll help Paul, then, of course, that's the most important thing." "Of course." "What is it that you want to know?" "The room where you two meet has a chair, and it has a cot, a bed, and it also has a lock." "Mrs. Winston, have you ever locked that door?" "I was not aware, Captain, that you were one of those who reads sex into everything." "Well, you're his wife." "He's a man." "Not just now, is he?" "Well, that's the whole point!" "What have you done to change that?" "This is most embarrassing!" "There is no point in continuing this conversation!" "Oh, I think that there is, if you love him, if you really love him, if you really want to help him." "There is nothing in the world that I want more!" "Then act like a woman to him and not a choir companion." "Buy some perfume." "Get a nice new dress." "Something feminine, something flattering." "You mean erotic, don't you?" "Why not?" "I am hardly the kind of woman who can be expected to act like a prostitute!" "Good night, Captain!" "A verbal and then a teletype from Area Command." "You're not to contact her, and you're to stay away from Winston." "Joe, you can't treat a woman like that." "It makes the hospital look bad." "It makes the service look bad." "Aren't you all missing the point?" "No one is worrying about the patient." "He's not a poor, sick, groping boy." "He's Paragraph Two in some damned fool teletype report." "It's only until we get this thing straightened out." "What do we do in the meantime?" "Feed him some aspirin?" "LEIBOWITZ:" "That's what I said." "I'll be the one in charge." "Both fine, Doctor." "Good." "You know, it's gonna be a very nice tree." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "Popcorn." "Popcorn." "Leibowitz!" "He is busy with the tree." "He is also wanted by Captain Newman." "He is coming." "Leibowitz, I gave you three bucks, and you also got a dollar from every other orderly and from every patient so that Ward 7 could have a tree to match the big one that Colonel Pyser put in the rec hall." "Correct." "Is that the best tree you could buy with all that money?" "Who said I bought it?" "Well, where did you get it?" "From another tree." "From another..." "What..." "What tree?" "When?" "Where?" "Leibowitz, is there some connection between this tree and Colonel Pyser's tree in the rec hall?" "You better sit down." "I stay mad better standing up!" "You look like Captain Bligh." "Quit the stalling!" "Now, just tell me the whole story." "The tree in the rec hall was a good 20 feet high." "A guy lying on his back couldn't even see the top." "It's really not a very interesting story, I mean..." "Oh, I find it a fascinating story." "How did you do it?" "I got a ladder and a saw." "I climbed up the ladder and..." "Saw?" "What kind..." "What kind of a saw?" "How many types of saws are there?" "I mean, a saw for sawing..." "Where..." "Where did you get it?" "The ladder or the saw?" "The saw." "The saw." "I got it out of surgery." "You stole a surgical saw?" "Well, I..." "Only borrowed." "It's already been returned." "It's a little bent." "Oh, that's nice." "Nothing better for a surgeon, of course, than a bent saw." "For crooked patients." "He can saw his way around corners!" "Are you so blasted stupid that you think that" "Colonel Pyser won't see that his tree had its top chopped off?" "But, Captain, if I've done anything," "I've improved the appearance of the colonel's tree!" "How did you get it out of the rec hall?" "Oh, it was terrific!" "I took it out the back window, through the sheep pen, up the back stairs." "No one got a peep at what I was doing." "No?" "Not one of the 5,000 blind men on this installation saw you carrying around a five-foot tree?" "We didn't carry it." "What did you do?" "I put it in an ambulance." "An ambulance?" "Mmm-hmm." "Who was the driver?" "Cooshy." "Cooshy?" "Cooshy Flinn?" "He's a wonderful driver." "Cooshy Flinn is a patient!" "But that's the reason I chose him." "I could always claim he was off his head when he stole the ambulance." "Then Gavoni told me that we would..." "Gavoni?" "Yes, Gavoni." "He was in charge of the stretcher." "The what?" "The stretcher." "We put the tree on the stretcher." "You would never think it was a tree." "Why not?" "Did you dress it in a uniform?" "Oh, no, no." "We covered it with a blanket." "You would be the first one to swear it looked exactly like a corpse." "You may go." "Thank you." "No, wait." "Excuse me for asking so hostile a question, but since you didn't spend one red cent on that noble tree which you wrapped in a blanket and conveyed in an ambulance, what did you do with all the money?" "The money I saved by not buying a crummy tree went for presents for my patients." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Here you are, Doc." "Thanks, Arkie." "(THUDDING)" "It's Winston." "Who's with him?" "Stop him!" "Stop him!" "For God's sake, stop him, please!" "I revolted him!" "I revolted him!" "Have a smoke, Paul." "Go on, take it." "Now, you've raised quite a rumpus in here." "Now, suppose you tell me what it is that you were trying to prove." "What?" "Want her to go away." "Why, Paul?" "Why?" "Go back to room now." "Hide." "No." "You've turned that room of yours into another cellar." "You're out of the cellar now." "What cellar?" "No!" "No!" "What happened in the cellar, Paul?" "Don't remember." "You do." "You will." "Thirsty!" "Later." "What happened in the cellar?" "Nothing!" "You were in there for 13 months and nothing happened?" "You were never in any danger." "You were always safe in there." "Go to hell!" "Is that what's tearing you apart?" "That you were safe in there?" "That is it, isn't it?" "No more war." "No more flights, no flak, no danger." "Yes, yes, yes!" "It was deep, dark, safe!" "Could you have escaped, Paul?" "The town was occupied by Germans." "Could you have escaped?" "Could anybody have escaped?" "I never tried." "I should have." "I never tried." "But don't tell God." "Don't tell, please." "Damn them for finding me." "I don't want to hurt her." "She mustn't know." "Don't you understand?" "She mustn't know that" "I was a coward." "I told you it wouldn't work but you wouldn't believe me." "I knew it was wrong." "Wrong!" "Mrs. Winston," "I want you to go in there and see Paul." "Now." "Another experiment?" "Hasn't he been through enough?" "Hasn't he suffered enough?" "No, not by his standards." "You see, he's a Winston." "And?" "Fear is a normal thing in ordinary men." "It's something else in a Winston." "It's cowardice." "Paul couldn't be a coward." "He's never done a shameful thing in his life." "No." "But he thinks that he has." "That's the whole point." "That's why you have to go in there." "You saw the anguish on his face." "The hatred." "That was shame." "Mrs. Winston, that man became a vegetable rather than have you know." "He loves you so much, he was willing to stay that way the rest of his life." "How is it possible?" "They didn't know each other at all." "Yeah, maybe we could all use a new language." "(SINGING) We three kings of Orient are" "Bearing gifts we traverse afar" "Fields and fountain" "Moor and mountain" "Following yonder star" "Guide us to thy perfect light" "Attention!" "Edgar, that's a perfectly lovely tree." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you, my dear." "I must say it took quite a bit of doing to find a tree that..." "Uh-oh!" "(SINGING) O come, all ye faithful" "Joyful and triumphant" "Howard, how tall do you figure that tree to be?" "Come ye, O come ye 15, 16 feet, tops." "They told me it was 20 feet." "What happened to the other five feet?" "Born the King of angels" "Do you think it could have shrunk indoors?" "Don't be an idiot, Howard." "How..." "O come let us adore him" "Somebody chopped the top off of that tree." "Darling, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna chop your top off!" "Christ the Lord" "Now, we bring you a number by the Caroling Carusos led by Major Alfredo Fortuno, and produced under the supervision of Corporal Jackson Leibowitz." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "Officers, medici, and the beautiful signore." "We prisoners, but no slave." "We lose, but no punish." "We very happy in Ward 7." "We have our own Christmas tree." "Yes." "Is not big, is a little one, but is nice." "Very nice." "We are italiani, but hurray America!" "Newman." "How little is that Christmas tree?" "Five feet, sir." "Well, consider it my contribution to the ward." "And a Merry Christmas to you, sir." "We like to sing for you old, very old American Indian song, that which the Caporale Leibowitz, very kind, is teach us." "(SINGING HAVA NAGILA)" "That's Hebrew, isn't it?" "To Geronimo Leibowitz, it's Indian!" "(MEN SHOUT)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Bravo!" "Come on!" "Excuse me." "Joe?" "It's Little Jim." "Oh, no!" "Remember the letter that he gave me?" "Well, he named me his next-of-kin." "Didn't have anyone else." "Dear God!" "It's all so hopeless, Joe." "You said it yourself." "We cure them, make them strong," "so they can go out and get killed." "And you've been through this time and again, haven't you?" "Knowing it's all so meaningless?" "Little Jim didn't think so." "In the letter, he..." "He thanked us for saving him." ""Back on the ball again," he said." ""I'm not a nobody going nowhere."" "No, he..." "He found some meaning, Francie." "Man's need to matter, and have it make some difference that he lived at all." "(AIRPLANE WHIRRING)" "Leibowitz, you're not gonna get away with it this time!" "All right!" "Where is it?" "Gavoni!" "Where is it?" "Doc, take care of him." "He needs help!" "Gavoni!" "Gavoni!" "Not only my sister's package, but all the presents my family sent me." "I..." "I gotta kill him!" "I gotta kill him!" "Gavoni, it's Christmas!" "Well, then, right after Christmas." "Hello, everybody!" "Santa Claus is here!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Let's sing!" "(SINGING) Jingle bells, jingle bells" "Jingle all the way" "Very good." "Oh, what fun it is to ride" "In a one horse open sleigh, hey" "Jingle bells, jingle bells" "Jingle all the way" "Oh, what fun it is to ride" "In a one horse open sleigh" "Dashing through the snow" "In a one horse open sleigh" "O'er the fields we go" "Laughing all the way" "Bells on bobtails ring" "Making spirits bright" "What fun it is to ride and sing" "A sleighing song tonight" "Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells" "Jingle all the way" "Oh, what fun it is to ride" "In a one horse open sleigh" "Jingle bells, jingle bells" "Jingle all the way" "Oh, what fun it is to ride" "In a one horse open sleigh"