"Even though I was the oldest," "I never felt like Drew's big brother." "I'll take him." "People expect a big brother to be better at everything." "Dominique Wilkins was the Human Highlight Show." "And Gerald Wilkins watched a lot of film." "Bill Clinton was the President of the United States." "But Roger Clinton needed a presidential pardon." "But with me and Drew, it seemed like no matter what we did, he always came out on top." "I'll take Drew." "He was better at sports." "He was better with girls." "Hi, Drew." "Hi, Drew." "Hi, Chris." "She's kind of cute." "He looked older." "Two for Scarface." "You can go." "But your little brother's gonna have to see something else." "But I'm older than him." "You want to see a movie, or don't you?" "I actually went to see Mr. Mom that day." "It was pretty good." "But worst of all, he was a better big brother than me." "I'm gonna get my big brother on you." "Chris!" "Go get Drew!" "1x19 Everybody Hates Drew" "Transcript:" "Raceman Adaptation:" "Sixe" "It was embarrassing." "When they heard Drew's name, they ran." "And you were standing right there?" "Just like I'm standing right here." "I've got to do something." "I get the crap kicked out of me here." "Even my little sister knows I can't fight." "That's why I'm gonna ask my mom if I can take karate." "Why don't you take boxing lessons?" "Nah." "If you tell people you can box, then everyone wants to fight." "How come nobody messes with your brother?" "Because he knows karate, and if they mess with him, they think he might kill them." "That's perfect." "If you learn karate, you'll never have to fight." "All right, Tonya, hold your ear." "I imagine this is how it must be before they hit the switch." "You burned my finger!" "Well, if you'd be still, that wouldn't happen." "Why can't I just go to the beauty shop like you?" "You got beauty shop money?" " No." " All right then." "Be still." "Your daddy barely wants to pay to get my hair done." "I know he's not gonna spend the extra ten dollars to get yours done, especially when I can do it here at home." "Hey, what's burning?" "My hair." "Tonya, stop fidgeting so much." "You're moving like a squirrel." "Sit still!" "Mom, can I sign up for karate lessons?" "Why don't you just learn from Drew?" "Why don't you just mind your own business?" " You need to shut up..." " Hey, enough, okay?" "Chris, go ask your daddy." "I can't be bothered with this right now." "Tonya, bend down, so I can get the kitchen." "Girl, I didn't even touch you." "Hey, man." "What's going on?" "Dad, can I sign up for karate class?" "Karate class?" "Why don't you just learn from Drew?" "I want to learn from a real teacher." "Drew just does stuff he sees in movies." "Everything Drew knew about karate, he got from the Masters of Channel Nine Asian Invasion." "Grand Master Lung Ti and the immortal David Chung." "What are you gonna do with karate, anyway?" "Just in case someone messes with Drew or Tonya," "I'm gonna be able to do something." "My father knew I couldn't fight, but he never said anything about it." "How much is it gonna cost?" "It's free." "Oh." "All right, go ahead." "For free, my father would let me learn almost anything." "What are you doing?" "Taking How to Knock Off a Liquor Store lessons." "How much does it cost?" "It's free." "Go ahead." "Get on the floor, now!" "Don't hurt anybody." "If I didn't want to hurt anybody," "I wouldn't be taking karate." "Baby, you should have listened to me." "I told you to keep still." "Hey, I'm headed to work." "All right, baby." "Baby, what happened?" "Mama burned me with the hot comb again." "Oh, let Daddy see." "Ooh!" "Rochelle, that looks bad." "Ah, she'll live." "I don't think it'll make a scar." "Yeah, but that's 18 cent worth of butter she's holding on her forehead." "What, you can't do her hair without burning her?" "I told you before that I wanted to take her to the beauty shop, and you told me no." "My father thought that going to the beauty shop meant that Tonya was growing up too fast, and she would end up like this." "She's ten years old." "Why I got to spend money getting her hair done?" "She's tender-headed, she moves around too much, and she keeps getting burned." "And I'm sick of this." "So, either you pay to get it done, or you do it." "If my father didn't want to do something, my mother got to decide how it would get done." "Why you cooking biscuits and ribs for breakfast?" "You gonna do it?" "Go ahead." "Why are you cleaning the tub with a broom?" "Are you gonna do it?" "Go ahead." "How much is it gonna cost?" "Ten dollars." " No." " Daddy... please." "That never worked for me." "Okay." "I am Mr. Jackson, your sensei." "Shotokan Karate is a very ancient art of combat." ""Karate" literally means "empty hands."" "Now what we're gonna do here today is learning how to whupp somebody's ass with your empty hands." "Matei!" "Matei!" "So, are we going to be learning how to break boards?" "You got something against boards?" "What has a board ever done to you?" "Has a board ever embarrassed you in front of your woman?" "Asked Yolanda for her phone number and dared you to do something about it?" "And did you just stand there and watch her get into the boy's car and just drive off?" "Uh... no." "That's why we ain't learning how to break no damn boards." "Now, I want each and every one of you to listen to me." "And watch." "It's call the Shaolin handbreaker." "Now this move is guaranteed to break anybody's hand." "But I don't want y'all to try this." "It's very dangerous." "Come here, boy." " Me?" " You." "If you don't want us to do this, well, then, why are you showing us?" "'Cause that's what martial arts is all about." "Learning ways to kill people." "And then not doing it." "Now grab my shoulder." "At that moment, I learned two things." "One-- I learned a great karate move." "And two, this fool was crazy." "Man, karate-- it sounds complicated." "I tried wrestling once, but I got knocked out." "Wait." "You got knocked out in a wrestling match?" "I'm as surprised as you are." "Well, I'm doing good." "My teacher says I have a lot of potential." "I think I might even be better at this than Drew." "Wouldn't you have to kill him to find that out?" "I never thought of that." "Mama, how long do we have to wait?" "Hush, girl." "My appointment was at 3:30." "It's only 5:00." "The only thing you wait for longer than a washer at the Laundromat is a chair at the beauty shop." "I'm ready for you, Rochelle." "About time." "Watch your mouth, girl." "Hey, Vanessa." "Hey, Rochelle." " Oh." "Okay." "Pam?" " Yes." "Can I make an appointment for Tonya?" "Uh, yeah, I can squeeze her in this week." "Girl, don't tell me, that's your daughter?" "Mm, sure is." "Isn't she beautiful?" "She's big, huh?" "Oh, she sure is." "Pretty soon she'll be old enough to date Richard." "Oh, do not tell me his old ass is still chasing after young girls." "Girl, I thought you knew." "They're the only ones dumb enough not to run when they see him coming." "He old, he broke." "He need a fool." "There's one thing that you get at the beauty shop that you don't have to pay for-- good gossip." "And I heard Peggy." "She said that she caught them in her house." "Wait..." "In her..." "In her house?" " Yes." " Well, did she stab him?" "'Cause you know I would have stabbed him." "Oh, I know you would have stabbed him." "Now he's staying with Lisa." "Light-skinned Lisa?" "Bow-legged Lisa." "Wait a minute." "I thought Lisa was with Darius." "She was, until Darius caught her with his brother." "The one with no job?" "Yeah, yeah, him, yeah, and he married, too." "A wife, a girlfriend, and no job." "You know these men-- they just ain't no good." "They ain't no good." "Get out of here." "Oh, I'd throw the hot grits." "Tonya never listened to my mother until she heard something she wasn't supposed to." "What are you doing?" "Working on my form." "Why do you take lessons, anyway?" "I saw some stuff in The Return of the Five Deadly Venoms." "It was way cooler than that." "Yeah, right." " I bet you can't hit me." " Now, I think I can." "Then try and hit me." " But I don't want to hurt you." " No." "I dare you." "Try to hit me." "All right, then." "Fine." "I was just getting warmed up." "What you do that for?" "What?" "Even though it was an accident, after breaking Drew's hand, I fell horrible." "I'm gone for ten minutes, and y'all are breaking bones." "I knew that karate class wasn't a good idea." "Rochelle, it was an accident, just boys being boys." "Do you even know what they're teaching Chris down there?" "Where were you when this happened?" "Asleep." "What's that supposed to mean?" ""Mm" means she's gonna blame him for the rest of his life." "Asleep again, huh?" "That's how Chris broke Drew's hand." "Rochelle, that was 45 years ago." "Don't worry about it." "I'll deal with it." "I'll go down there tomorrow." "It still hurts?" "Of course it hurts, it's broke." "Chris, help your brother with his Kool-Aid." "Daddy, do you have a girlfriend?" "What?" "!" "Well?" "No!" "Why would you ask me a question like that, baby?" "'Cause men ain't no good." "Where did you hear that?" "At the beauty shop." "And where were you when they were talking like this?" "Relax, it's just girls being girls." "I am not paying good money so my baby can get her hair done and come back hating men!" "She does not hate men." "What am I supposed to think when she comes home talking like this?" "Fine, I promise I'll talk to the girls at the shop and make sure that they don't gossip around her." "Even with a broken hand," "Drew still managed to come out on top." "Does it hurt a lot?" "If I had known you could get this much attention with a cast, I would have let him break my hand." "Mr. Jackson was an ex-Marine who taught karate when he was on his medication." "When he was off his medication, he did this:" "Yolanda!" "Yolanda!" "Jackson!" "Okay?" "Yolanda!" "Can I help you?" "Yeah, uh, my son Chris was taking your class here." "Chris?" "No, I don't..." "I don't know any Chris." "What, is there..." "is there a problem?" "It's just that the boys were fighting, and Chris accidentally broke his brother's hand." "He says you taught him." "Who was fighting?" "Chris and my other son, Drew." "No, I don't know any Drew." "Either way..." "I ain't had nothing to do with that." "No, man, I didn't say you had nothing to do with it." "I'm just saying that..." "Come on, baby, let's go." " Hey, baby." " ¿Que tu quieres?" "Let me get with that phone number." "Oh, God, help me!" "I can't believe she repeated all that to Julius." "I didn't even know she was listening." "She barely listens to a word I say." "Rochelle, I am so sorry." "Me, too." "From now on, we watch what we say in front of her." "Let me go pay half down on our light bill before they close." " She'll be okay, though, right?" " Oh, go ahead, she'll be fine." "We'll watch Lil' Miss Nosy for you." "Okay, Tonya, I'm gonna leave for a little while." "I'll be right back, okay?" " Okay." " All right, be good." "Y'all make her beautiful." "So is Richard still cheating?" " Is the Pope still Catholic?" " Vanessa!" "Oh, I'm sorry, it's a reflex." "Tonya, I don't think that we should be talking about Richard." " Why not?" " Because that's grown folks' business." "Oh, is that why my mom and dad got in an argument?" "An argument?" "About what?" "Well, I asked my daddy if he had a girlfriend, and he said, "Why?" And then my mama said, "Well, do you?"" "And then he asked me why I asked him that, and then..." "Although my mother told the girls not to gossip to Tonya, she didn't say anything about Tonya gossiping to them." "At that moment," "I was having more trouble coping with Drew's broken hand than he was." "Drew, if you need a nurse," "I'll be happy to come over and get..." "You'd better not let mama see that." "Drew still has that cast, and he hasn't finished calling all those girls yet." "Hey, you need any help with anything?" "I could tie your shoe." "Nah, I got it." "I can tie it with one hand." "Okay, um..." "I could write out your homework." "No, I'm fine." "I never wrote with my left hand before, but it turns out, I'm really good at it." "Want to see something else I could do?" "I always thought I needed two hands to do this." "I had to face facts." "Drew could do more with one arm than I could do with five." "Want to sit on my back?" "Your hair looks nice, baby." "Thank you." "So what you and the girls talk about?" "You and daddy." "What?" "What about me and daddy?" "I told everybody about the argument." "Tonya, you just can't go around telling our business!" "Why not?" "Everybody else does it." "Well, that's different." " How?" " Well..." "My father was worried about Tonya learning the wrong things, so my mother taught her a few things herself." "Tonya, you're a big girl now, okay?" "And you got to know that there is no difference between what they said to you and what you said to them." "It's still gossip." "But you got to remember two things." "You talk about other people, not yourself." "And number two, what you say in the shop stays in the shop." "Got it?" "So don't tell Daddy." "Right." " Hey, Mama?" " Uh-huh?" "Want to hear about what happened to Carla?" "What happened to Carla?" "Hey." "What happened to you?" "I had an accident." "What are you doing?" "I thought Drew's arm would get itchy under the cast, so I'm making him a hand scratcher out of a hanger." "Listen, you're going to have to be more careful, if you're going to be doing karate." "I know it was just an accident, but you could have really hurt Drew." "Dad?" "It wasn't an accident." "What?" "I hate that Drew can do everything better than me." "Tonya even calls on him when she gets in trouble." "We were fighting." "I tried the handbreaker on him, and I fell." "Chris, being brothers ain't easy." "All right?" "I had six brothers, and whether you like it or not, somebody is going to be better than you at something." "You can't be jealous." "He's the only brother you got." "Besides, I don't know if you realize it, but he looks up to you." "He does?" "I didn't realize that no matter how cool your little brother is, he still wants to be like his big brother." "It worked out for Keenan and Damon Wayans." "Not so great for Eric and Lyle Menendez." "You need to apologize to your brother, Chris." "2That's my boy." "Hey, Chris, watch this." "I love this cast." "Cool, but I have something to tell you." "What?" "I tried to break your arm on purpose." "How come?" "'Cause I'm tired of you being better than me at everything." "What are you talking about?" "I bet you're better than me at some stuff." "Like what?" "I don't know." "But you're still my big brother." "Yeah, but you're bigger than I am." "Yeah, but every time Mom and Dad leave the house, they always put you in charge." "I wish I could be in charge." "That's just a lot of work." "So?" "Plus, you get to go to school all the way in Brooklyn Beach." "I wish I could ride the bus to school every day." " You do?" " Yeah!" "That's so cool." "Everybody in my class is always asking me what it's like at your school." "You're the coolest big brother out of all my friends." "It never occurred to me that even though Drew was bigger and cooler, and better with girls, the coolest thing to him was that he had me." "Hey, Chris, can you show me that move?" "I'll try." "Just... it might not work, because I've had training." "So, basically, you take your opponent's hand and..." "Oh, I think I got it."