"Oh, come on." "What's keeping her?" "You know the Queen, sire." "Never on time for anything." "Well, this is the last time she'll keep me waiting!" "Yes, indeed, sire." "Unless she's late for her own funeral." "Ha, ha!" "(Gurgling)" "Oh, blimey, what a time to have one of her throats!" " She always was a weakly woman, sire." " You're telling me." "Once weekly." "Every time I felt like it, it was, "Not tonight, dear." "I've got a headache."" "No wonder Your Majesty did not consummate the marriage." "Yeah, marvellous, innit?" "After six months of married life, the only thing I'm having off is her head." "# Trumpet fanfare" "Nice day for it, Your Majesty." "Hardly any wind." " Good crowd, too." " Thank you, my Lord Cardinal." "But I feel we can dispense with the commentary." "# Drum roll" "I can manage, thank you, Cardinal." "I don't want you to trip and hurt yourself, ma'am." "# Drum roll" "Come on, then." "Do you, Henry, take this woman to..." "I do, and so does she." "Right, love, that's it." "Through there." "Her figure's all right." "What about her face?" "Oh, I am assured, sire, it is the fairest in all Normandy." " What about her..." " Fullest in all Normandy." " Has she been chaste?" " All over Normandy." "But I am assured never caught." " Call me at eight o'clock." " Very well." "Next Thursday." "Marie, Queen of England." "Oh, hello." "Oh!" "Who are you?" "Permit me to introduce myself, madam." "Sir Roger de Lodgerley." "Oh, how do you do?" "The King's personal equerry, madam, and already your most devoted admirer." "How nice." "May I?" "Thank you." "Other one." "Splendid." "And one more for luck." "Ha, ha!" "Splendid, splendid." "But if I might suggest, just a little more..." "Ooh..." "Perfect, perfect." " I can be a one when I want." " Yes, I thought you might be one." "Now, madam, as regards your actual duties..." "Sir Roger, you seem to forget I was brought up at the French court." "In fact, I had an excellent position there." "Oh, I know!" "And I hear the French position is very good." "Ha, ha!" "Still here, I see, Sir Roger?" "I was instructing Her Majesty in procedure, Your Grace." "Thank you very much, Sir Roger." "I trust everything is to your satisfaction, Your Grace?" " I'll let you know later." " You won't want that, will you?" " What?" " That." " Eh?" "Oh, no, course not." " Oh, thank you." "I suppose you're anxious to bed your queen." " Naturally." " Well, if you should want anything," " I'm only next door." " I don't think we'll trouble you further tonight." "Hm, hm, hm!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "And how's my beautiful queen, then?" "Well and eager to please, my lord." "Good." " Here we go, then." " Oh, just one moment, my lord." "There is something I must do first." "Eh?" "Oh, yes, right." "Well, I'll just go and wash my hands, then." "(Trickling)" " Well, all done, then?" " Yes, my lord." "I have waited for this moment for so long." " Cor blimey!" " Why, what is it?" "What ails my lord?" " That smell!" "What have you been eating?" " Smell?" "It is merely garlic." " Garlic?" " Yes, it is an old custom in Normandy." "I adore it!" "And taken regularly, no germs will come near one." " I don't blame 'em!" " Not only that, it is said to greatly increase one's sexual appetite." "I've got news for you." "Come the morning, you're going to be starving." "What means my lord?" "Nothing." "Just don't bother to make any more hairdressing appointments." "Roger!" "Sir Roger!" "Sir Roger, where are you?" "Come, come, my Lord Cardinal." "A glass of wine to celebrate." "You rang, m'lord?" "Ah, yes, Mistress Scrub." "Wine for myself and my Lord Cardinal." "Oh, yes, m'lord." " Will that be all, m'lord?" " For the nonce." "Oh!" "Ooh, Your Eminence!" "Come, let us drink to the King's marriage and an early issue." " You will not drink?" " After you, my lord." "My dear Cardinal, you surely don't suspect that I, your friend, would have poisoned your wine?" "Men in our position have enemies everywhere." " One cannot be too careful." " There." "Satisfied?" "To issue." " Issue." " All fall down!" "Oh, my God!" "Cromwell, Wolsey!" "Where are you, you blackguards?" "Oh, ho!" "Methinks the issue is already in doubt." "I'll have your bleedin' heads for this." "Why, sire?" "What is wrong?" "Is not this mating successful?" "Successful?" "As far as the Queen is concerned, I've had it." "Oh, well, it's all right, then." "Will you shut up and listen?" "She has got to go." "Go?" "But why?" "Why?" "Because it turns out that Her most gracious Majesty, Marie, Queen of England, wife of the Defender of the Faith, is also a basher of the garlic." "Garlic?" "What is garlic?" "A small bulb-bearing plant of the onion family, used extensively by the French." "I don't give a damn what it is!" "All I know is I had one pong of it and my ambition wilted." "But this need not be a serious problem, sire." "I'm sure if the Cardinal here were to have a word with Her Majesty." "Oh, yes, of course." "I'll go immediately." "I am confident he will be able to persuade her to give up this odious habit, sire." "Probably." "But I doubt I'll ever fancy it again." "Enter, my lord." "Pardon this intrusion, madam, but I come on a matter of some urgency." "Not at all, my lord." "We are pleased to receive you." "(Coughs) Phew!" "It was all going marvellously." "There she was, lying in bed waiting for it." "I said to myself, "At last, this is it, Harry boy." I'm just about to grab her... and boof!" " Right in the kisser." " Ooh!" "But don't upset yourself, sire." "Pray be seated." "Have a goblet of wine." "I tell you, it will make your spirits rise." "Ineed more than wine to make anything rise now, I can tell you." "Nonsense, sire." "Come!" "Drink!" "And it is rather a special one." " What did she say?" " No." " No!" " She refuses to give it up." "Refuses?" "That settles it." "Get her annulled." " An old what, sire?" " Annul the marriage, you fool!" "Oh, I'm afraid that would be out of the question, Your Majesty." " The Pope would be livid." " What's it got to do with him?" "When this match was announced, he declared it would be very bad for a man to have six wives." "How would he know?" "He's never tried it." "If I may be permitted to make a suggestion, Your Grace?" "This is no time to get suggestive, Sir Roger." "I was merely going to say, if she refuses to give it up, you could take preventative measures against the unpleasant odour." "Are you suggesting that I, the greatest monarch that England has ever known, should stoop to stuffing cotton wool up my hooter?" "Nothing so drastic, sire." "But I happen to know that if one also eats the garlic, the smell is unnoticeable." "Do you mean me give in to her?" "Never!" "Never!" "Not on your nelly." "No." "I've made up my mind." "Annul the marriage." "But the only way a marriage can be annulled is if they haven't, you know..." "Yes, yes, come on, spit it out." "To put it bluntly, sire, did you consume it?" "Did I what?" "Consume it." "Has the marriage been consumed?" "I fancy he means consummated, sire." "The verb "consume" means to eat." "That's all you know." "In my dictionary, it's to eat or to have a nibble." " Not that kind of nibble, you great fat ape!" " You steaming' great..." "Shut up, the two of you!" "The answer is no." "I have neither eaten, consumed or had a nibble." "So just you make absolutely sure you get rid of her by the time I get back." "But wait, wait." "Your Majesty's going somewhere?" " Yes, hunting." " Oh, nice." "What for?" "Something to eat." "I'm starving." "Ha, ha!" "This is terrible, terrible." "I cannot risk disfavour with the Vatican again." "Nor I with France." "Marie is their king's favourite cousin." "It would seem we must unite, my lord, to keep this marriage alive." " Of course, but how?" " By procrastination." "What?" "If he has that, he'll never be able to have an issue." "Oh, dear!" "You really must get another dictionary, Cardinal." "(Hunting horn and hounds barking)" "(Knock on door)" "It's only me." "Oh, I thought it might be the King." "Alas, madam, he's been called out on state business." "I just popped in to see if there was... anything you wanted." "Oh, yes, there is, Sir Roger." "But I doubt if you could supply it." "Oh, no!" "Oh!" "What a delightful odour." "Can it be... garlic?" "Why, yes!" "Do you like it, then, Sir Roger?" "Everyone should have it." "Oh, well." "Here, help yourself." "Thank you." "Ah, that's better." "Ha, ha!" "So now to work." " Why, Sir Roger, what are you about?" " I'm undressing, madam." " But to what end?" " Didn't you know?" "As the King's taster, I have to try everything before he does." "# Hunting horns" " We have found well today, Your Majesty." " Stop calling me Your Majesty." "At this sport, I'm always incognito." " Of course." "Will we wait for you, sire?" " No, I'll find my own way back." "It may take time." " Oh!" "Good hunting, sire." " Thank you." "I'll save the brush for you." "Walk on." "(Gasps for breath)" "Ha, ha, ha!" "Well, well, well, my pretty." "Ha-ha, ha-ha!" " Don't be frightened." " Who are you?" "And what do you want?" " Just a hunter looking for some sport." " You look like a gentleman." "Don't let the clothes fool you." "Come here." "Come here, come here." "Hey, not so fast there!" "I don't even know your name." "Call me Henry." "Henry, eh?" "Same as that miserable sot who rules us." " Miserable what?" " Sot." "Oh, sot." "Oh, he's quite a nice fellow, really." "Oh?" "You want to hear my dad go on about him." "The way he keeps screwing us on taxes." "Whatever else he does, I can assure you it's not screwing." "My dad says hanging's too good for him." "He'd like to see him fry in his own fat." "Really?" "I must meet your dad sometime." "I'd like to swap recipes with him." "My dad says him and Earl Cromwell are a right pretty pair." " Not half as pretty as the one I'm looking at." " Oh, no, you don't!" "We're not in the hay just to look for needles, are we?" "That's all very well." "But what am I going to get?" "What are you going to get?" "What do you normally get?" "You know what I mean." "People are prepared to pay handsomely for my favours." "Oh, blimey." "Here, I've only got a two shilling piece." "Oh!" "I haven't got any change." "Don't worry, darling." "You can owe it to me." "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "Ooh, aren't your hands rough?" "Eh?" "Oh, hang on, I'll take off my gauntlets." " Oooh!" " Is that better?" " Cor, you don't waste much time, do you?" " No, blimey, why should I?" "How many petticoats have you got?" "Blimey, it's like peeling an artichoke." "Ha, ha, ha!" "So that's the way of it?" "You varmint!" "I'll kill you!" " Hang on, just a minute." " It's my dad!" "Is it?" "Blimey!" "Before you do anything you'll regret, let me tell you who you're talking to." "I happen to be..." "Your dad, did you say?" " Yes." " Go on, you are what?" "I'm off." "Give me my money back!" "(Pigs oinking)" "Oh, blimey." "In it again!" "You may be seated." "Are Their Majesties not coming to dinner?" "I doubt it." "The King is still away hunting and the Queen has vowed to remain in her room until she's no longer a virgin." "Poor dear woman!" "Perhaps I could do something to get her down." "By way of verbal persuasion, I mean." "Any kind of persuasion from you would get anybody down." "No, let her stay there and stew in her own juice." "Her most gracious Majesty, Queen Marie!" "Good Lord!" "# Trumpet fanfare" " Good evening, my Lord Chancellor." " Your Majesty, this is an unexpected surprise." "We've not had the pleasure of your company for a meal as yet." "No, I've been having it in my room with Sir Roger." "He persuaded me to come down." "Oh, well, Your Majesty, all I can say is your loss is our gain." "Thank you." "The King is not home yet?" "Still away, ma'am, on urgent business." "State affairs, you understand?" "Excellent." "Then, Sir Roger, it is my wish that you be seated here beside me." "Ou?" "La, madam?" "No, that is the King's place." "Marry, Sir Roger, you did not show the same reluctance to take his place earlier." "Her Majesty jests, of course." " With your permission, I will take my usual seat." " Oh, do as I say and shut up!" "Pray be seated, ladies and gentlemen." "Mmm!" "Quite nice." "A drink, ma'am?" " Thank you." " I can heartily recommend the porter here." "Really?" "Then do send him up to my room later." " You're not eating?" " With your permission, ma'am." "(Murmuring)" " (Groans of disgust)" " You do not find it appetising?" "Oh, yes, madam." "But it has a somewhat unusual flavour." "Oh, that'll be the garlic." "(Cries of horror)" "I sent orders to the kitchen to have it put in everything." "I felt it might be a step toward..." "converting the King." "His Majesty, the King!" "Ah, my dear devoted husband has returned." "(Sniffs)" "She's stunk the whole place out with it!" "Haven't you got rid of her yet?" "A slight technical hitch, Your Majesty." "I shall explain later." "It better be good." "Or!" "All right, carry on eating." "I'm starving!" "What's good, Cromwell?" "Oh, I wouldn't recommend anything tonight, sire." "I'd just have a cup of tea and a bun in your room." "Don't be silly." "It looks very tasty." "Especially the roast peacock." "Definitely not up to standard, sire." "It's all cock and no pea." "That's exactly how I like it." "Sir Roger has tasted it, I suppose?" "Oh, yes." "As a matter of fact, he's tried everything." "Good." "That does it!" " Out!" "I want her out of here now!" " Do not worry, I am leaving." " Good." " But to go to my bedchamber, where, in due course, I expect you to join me." " Me join you?" "Hah, you'll be lucky!" " If I am not lucky, my lord, you may be sure my cousin King Francis will learn of it." "She threatened me!" "Get the executioner!" "I beg you, sire, do nothing now that you may regret later." "We can ill afford to fight France." "Are you telling me they will declare war if I don't bed her?" "Wars have been fought over less, sire." "The thing to do, sire, is to play for time." "Act the part of a loving husband." " Impossible!" " You don't have to enjoy it, sire." " Simply go through the motions." " How can I, without doing anything?" "Yes, that's true." "It would seem the Queen has got you by the well-known... chandeliers." "Exactly." "And if I do bed her, Wolsey won't be able to get the annulment, will he?" "Yes, well, that is liable to take time, Your Majesty." "I haven't got time." "I need another wife." "Yes, well, perhaps in the meantime you could make some other arrangements?" "What other arrangements?" "Like taking a mistress." "I am the King, with a proud family motto to uphold." " Never spit on your own doorstep." " But my Lord Cardinal is right, sire." "We must step cautiously." "Don't tell me." "How do you think we got the motto?" "No, I mean a hasty divorce would be disastrous, sire." "Besides, there is no immediate hurry for you to marry again, is there?" "No, tomorrow will do, I suppose." "Tomorrow?" "Has Your Majesty already got a new queen in mind?" "Well, I haven't had time to look around yet." "If you could keep the Queen amused for a while." "Just keep her mind off it." "She's a Frenchwoman." "Their minds are never off it." "There must be something else you could do together." " I have it." " Yes, what?" "There's that new game that's all the rage in the court." "What do they call it now?" "Ah, yes." "Tiddlywinks." "Tiddlywinks?" "It was just an idea." "Well, it was a lousy one." "Cannot you understand that I want something to keep me away from her until the annulment?" "Aha!" "That gives me an idea, sire." "There is one sure way by which she would never suspect that you were trying to avoid... you know." " Yes, yes, yes." "What?" " Suppose there were to be a plot against you." "Suppose you were to be abducted from her bedchamber before her very eyes." "That's it!" "But who do we get to do the abducting?" "It has to be somebody discreet and trustworthy." "I have the very man in mind, sire." "One of Your Majesty's most loyal supporters." "Lord Hampton of Wick." "That's it!" "Go to it, Cromwell." "Aye, sire." "But you must go to the Queen's bedchamber - now." "Yes." "Yes, I suppose I must." "Ah, well." "The things I do for England!" "Right, gentlemen." "We are agreed that for the good of England, Henry must go." "But how?" "How is it to be accomplished?" "I've had one idea, Lord Hampton." "You see, I have these barrels of gunpowder." "If we could smuggle them into Parliament when he opens the next session and blow the lot up..." "An excellent notion, Fawkes, but you overlook one small detail." "We all sit in Parliament." "(Knock on door)" " Who is that?" "I, Thomas Cromwell." "(Whispers) Cromwell." "Quickly." "My Lord Chancellor." "This is indeed an honour." "Yes." "Having a meeting, Hampton?" "Just the usual Friday night sewing circle, my lord." "Hmm, interesting." "You like the designs?" "Yes, but not as much as those that you have on the King's life." "What?" "My lord, I know not what you talk about." "Really?" "Then you won't be interested to learn the King has expressed a wish to be forcibly abducted tonight." " He's what?" " Purely to suit his own ends, of course." "I thought you might like the job." "Well, of course, I would be honoured." "But what about the palace guards?" "He has already removed them." "I see." "And after he has been abducted?" "Well, that's up to you, of course." "Accidents will happen." "HENRY:" "No, no, no." "You're not doing it properly." "QUEEN:" "I know how to do it." "Well, look, like this." "Look." "See?" "Now you have a go." "Into that bowl." "Are you sure this is really an old English pre-mating ritual?" "Of course it is." "It's traditional." "Before you can mate properly, you have to get one in." "I thought everybody knew that." "Oh, very well, then." " Ah!" "I've done it." " You cheated." "I didn't." "You saw." "So you can come to bed with me now, can't you?" " Er, no, you have to tiddle first." " I have tiddled." "No, no, no, that was winking." "Look, when we began, you told me I had to tiddle into the pot." "You have to wink in and tiddle out." "Oh, all right, then." " There!" "Satisfied?" " Very good, very good indeed." "Well, that's one game to you." "We start again." "First one to get 20 in." " 20?" "We'll be at it all night!" " Not if I can help it." " Well, I've had enough!" " What did you do that for?" "You can't fool me, Henry Tudor." "You are trying to avoid getting into bed with me." "How could you possibly get an idea like that?" "I'm just putting it off, that's all." " The great moment, I mean." " Oh, well..." "While you are putting it off, I will just write a note to my cousin Francis, the King of France." "Yes, well, perhaps we have waited long enough." " We won't be needing that, will we?" " Where are you going now?" "Empty the pan." "Leave it to the servants." "Yes, all right, then." "Well, here we are, then." "What shall we do now?" " What shall we do?" " Yes." "Any ideas?" "What do you do with all your other wives in bed?" "Ah, let me think." "Now, then..." "With old Jane, we used to play noughts and crosses." "Noughts and crosses?" "Yes, I kept giving her nought and she got cross." "That reminds me." "Have I told you about my other wives?" "Ah, yes, I can't wait to hear about them." "You see?" "All guards removed." "I'll leave you now." "But remember, I know nothing of tonight's venture." "One moment, my lord." "I would also like your word that if anything goes wrong, you will not divulge our real intent." "You have my hand on it." "And may good fortune attend on you." "Henry Tudor, I do not wish to hear about your past wives." "Come now, you're only saying that to make me feel better." "But it wouldn't be right to start our married life without you knowing about the others." " Now, where was I?" " Number two." " Now, let's see." "That brings us to number four." " That's enough!" "Henry, are you going to behave like a proper husband to me or not?" " Yes, of course, dear..." " Well, then, you can save all that till later." "Sire!" "I call upon you to surrender without a struggle." "That's what I've been trying to get him to do all night!" "What treason is this?" "It's a plot against me." "I'm about to be abducted." " How do you know?" " It's obvious." "They didn't come to watch." "We mean you no harm, ma'am." "All we want is the King's person." "There you are." "What did I tell you?" "Oh, Hampton, Hampton." "Put that thing away." "How could you do this?" "To tear me from the arms of my beloved at the very moment we're about to consummate our union!" "Oh, well, er we could come back later, of course." "Don't be stupid." "No, no, if it must be thus, thus be it." "May I know what is to become of me?" "You will be taken to a secret place and held prisoner." "Oh, how terrible!" "Will I never see my dear wife again?" "Go on, you're doing very well." "There you will be required to sign a confession of your wrongdoings." "Alas, I cannot help that." "I was born with the wrong doings." "That done, then you will be done - to death, as painfully as you have done others." " All right, don't overdo it." " Seize him!" "Not too rough..." "Ah, so this is the end!" "Farewell, dear wife." "'Twould seem we are fated never to be one." "You're going to let them take you without a fight?" " Alas, I can do nothing else." " Well, I can!" "No, no!" "And don't come back!" "They've gone." "You can..." "Henry?" "Henry..." "Hen..." "Henry, where are you?" "Ah, the wretch!" "Now, what am I going to do for the rest of the night?" "On my life, Your Majesty, if that isn't the best tunic I ever made, my name isn't Moshe Montmorency." " Yes, it's not bad." " Not bad?" "Never mind the quality, feel the cloth." " We've had worse." "What is it?" " This is the finest goats' hair." " I thought it had a familiar smell." " Ah, Your Majesty." "Look at the fit." "The bustline and the waistline, Your Majesty." " Without a lie, the goat it didn't fit as well." " Yes, it's quite nice up here" " but the skirt's on the long side." " Skirt?" "Long?" "We're proud of our royal legs." "We like the ladies of the court to marvel at their length." "I make the skirt any higher and they won't be marvelling at the length of the legs." "That reminds me." "Ineed a bit more length on my hose." "Your Majesty is much too modest." "His Excellency, the emissary of the Vatican," " Conte Filippo di Pisa." " You are welcome, Conte." "Please be seated, Conte." "You have come on the matter of the application for an annulment of His Majesty's marriage?" " I have, my lord." " I'd hoped as much." "And your master has given permission for it?" "He has requested me to say that he is most morally shocked and righteously outraged" " by this request." " Oh, dear." "But under certain conditions, he might be prevailed upon to overlook his deep-seated and inviolate sense of duty." "All right." "How much this time?" "5,000 pieces of gold." "5,000!" "Come off it, that's double last time!" "He is doubly shocked this time." "5,000!" "And how much have you added on for your own pocket, my dear Conte?" "My lord, I must protest most strongly." "I'm sorry, Conte." "But as a churchman, I cannot tolerate the thought of corruption in high office." "5,000 is the figure." "Take it or leave it." "Very well." "I shall go and consult with the Chancellor." "Well, Wolsey, the word is good?" "I think, if it's left to me, I can arrange the divorce satisfactorily." " Excellent!" " There's just one thing." "To do so, you'll have to let me have 10,000 pieces of gold." "10,000?" "It was only five last time." "Well, you know how it is." "Inflation, rising prices." " Indeed." "The ever-rising cost-of-loving index." " The sooner the better, of course." "Just a moment, my dear Cardinal." "Can I be assured this 10,000 is all for Rome?" "Are you suggesting that I..." "How dare you!" "You know well that I'm an honourable man." "My dear Wolsey, I learned long ago there is only one man in all England who can be completely trusted and that's me." "Well, I protest strongly at the implication that I would..." "Oh, never, oh!" "Oh, all right, all right." "You'll get your 10,000." "I'll go and see the King straightaway." "Pardon the intrusion, Your Majesty." "But I thought you would like to know I have had word from Rome." "The divorce, it's on?" "I am confident, sire, that left in my hands, I can get approval." " Marvellous!" " Of course, it will entail a certain expenditure." " How much?" " If you could let me have 20,000?" " 20,000!" " Well, rather more than usual, I know." "But little enough if you have it." "That's just the point." "I haven't had it!" "The money, I mean!" "I shouldn't have to tell you that, speaking royally, my mint has a hole in it." "Beautiful, beautiful." "Fit for a king." "20,000!" "What love pleasure could be worth that much?" "You should try it walking round the room a bit, Your Majesty." " Don't be filthy." " The coat!" "Of course we could raise a bit more by taxation." "Taxation?" "Everything's taxed to the hilt as it is." "Even swords." " Swords taxed to the hilt." "Very good!" " Oh, shut up!" "I've been thinking." "There is one thing you haven't touched yet." "We're back to the wife again." "No, a brand-new form of taxation I've just thought up." "S.E.T." "S.E. T?" "Sex Enjoyment Tax." "Sex Enjoyment Tax?" "Exactly, Your Majesty." "Like drinking or smoking." "Every time they have one..." "Yes, that could bring in quite a bit." "Might be a bit difficult to apply, though." "Oh, I don't think so." "No man wants to be thought lacking." "We give them a form and they submit some sort of weekly return." "Do you think they'd stand for it?" "Stand for it, sit for it, lie down for it." "As long as we get the money." "Halt, madam." "State your business with my Lord Cromwell." "Oh, get out of my way!" "I trust I am not disturbing you, my Lord Chancellor?" "No, no, Your Majesty." "I was just checking the weekly yield on my new Sex Enjoyment Tax." "A satisfactory one, I hope?" "Not bad, not bad." "The takings are down since we started the on -the-spot collections." "But then this business is bound to have its ups and downs." "Yes, though precious few come my way." "My lord, I will come direct to business." "I demand to see the King." "I'm afraid that's quite impossible today, ma'am." "He's busy in his privy... council." "I will not be put off any longer." "Do you realise it is three months since our marriage and he still hasn't?" " Hasn't what?" " Still hasn't." "Oh, yes, I quite understand of course." "But you must not be unduly alarmed." "These things take time." "My lord, I may seem a simple person, but could you, as a man, keep your bride waiting so long?" "I am not married, ma'am." "No, but you are a man." "I have been aware of that fact." "Please, ma'am!" "Oh, come, my lord." "Do you choose to forget that day at Hampton Court?" " Hampton?" " When you rescued me from the maze." " Oh, when you couldn't find your way out." " And you couldn't find your way in." "Yes, well, I..." "I hadn't done it before, you see." "Just think." "We might have been there yet had you not had the presence of mind to lay a thread to follow back out." "Yes, good old Fred." "Would you not like to try it again, Thomas?" "Without Fred?" "Ma'am, I beg of you, please forget that afternoon." "I got carried away." "Thousands of men have been carried away after only one hour with me, my lord." " Yes, but not feet first." " Oh, Thomas." "Tom!" "Take me in your arms and kiss me!" "No, no, wait, wait!" " Your Majesty, someone might come in." " I don't care!" "Oh, Thomas." "Tom." "You don't know how unsatisfying my life is." "I feel like a... a bottle of good wine that has been left to waste after only one sip." "Well, for heaven's sake, put the cork back in!" "Oh, you are a hard man, Thomas Cromwell." "What you're asking of me, ma'am, is wrong." "I am the King's friend." "He trusts me." "And I am proud of that trust." "Ah..." "But what if there were no king?" "What do you mean?" "If some accident were to befall him, what then?" "Well, then, as Queen, obviously you will reign in his stead." "Precisely." "And you in his bedstead." "What?" "What are you suggesting, ma'am?" "That I, the King's most loyal and devoted servant, should actually plot to... should stoop to..." "What kind of accident had you in mind?" "Ah, no, Thomas." "Before I divulge that," "I must first have pledge of your goodwill in the matter." "Well, what kind of pledge could I give?" "Just a taste of that good wine I spoke of." "Well, I don't usually drink before six o'clock... (Lustily) Whoar!" "Cromwell, I've just been thinking that..." "What goes on here?" "Nothing, sire." "Nothing." "I was conversing with the Queen when suddenly she came over faint." "Her emotions overflowed." "I just corked her in time..." "I just caught her in time." " Faint?" "Why should she feel faint?" " Lack of fresh air, perhaps." " True, she hasn't been getting any lately." " And that, too." "Well, do something." "She's making the place look untidy." "Ma'am, ma'am, you can come round now." "Ma'am, it's all right now." "Ma'am..." "Good heavens!" " What is it?" " She really has fainted." "She's unconscious." "Is she?" "Well, go on, then, get the court physician." "(Scots accent) Doctor Finlay!" "Doctor Finlay!" "Och, something terrible's happened..." "The physician has nearly finished, Your Grace." " He's taking his time, isn't he?" " There is rather a lot to examine." "Doesn't it make you sick?" "Just when I'd decided to cancel the divorce and have her head off." "Please, sire, you must not excite yourself." "You know it affects your metabolism." "And brings the poison to the surface and then you break out in these poisonous excrescences." " Boils." " I know what I'm talking about!" "I only said boils." "Oh, boils." "Oh, yes." "Well, what's happening?" "Your Majesty, I'm happy to report that I have bled Her Majesty." " Bled her?" "All this time?" " Well, it did take a bit of time, I know." "But one of my leeches is an absolute hog." "I am not interested in your bleedin' leeches!" " What about the Queen?" " No trouble there." "It often happens to a woman in her condition." " Condition?" "What condition?" " Why, Her Majesty's going to have a baby." "You hear that, everyone?" "I'm going to have an issue." "Congratulations." "Congratulations, sire." "Congratulations." " Thank you." "Do you think it'll be a boy?" " Most assuredly, sire." "At last, a son." "A son and heir." "I know I speak for all England when I say well done, sire." "We are proud of you." "Thank you." "Well, I didn't really do anything." "That's quite right." "I didn't do anything." "Are you sure she's going to have a baby?" " How did that happen?" " Your Majesty does not know?" " No, I do not know." " Well, let me see if I can explain it quite simply." "Let's take the birds and the bees." "I do not want a sex lecture." "I know how." "It's who that's worrying me." "Am I to understand Your Majesty has not?" "Not as much as a nibble." "If I may suggest, Your Grace, no-one outside this room knows that and I know we can be trusted to keep silent." "But she's mucked it all up." "How can I get a divorce now on the grounds of non -consummation?" "On the contrary, sire." "I think the Queen has played right into our hands." "She's played in someone's hands, that's for sure." "If I might have a word with Your Majesty confidentially?" "If we can obtain definite proof of unfaithfulness, the divorce will be automatic and it will not cost you a penny." " That's right." "But where do we get the proof?" " A confession from the man concerned." " Which man?" " Any man." "Preferably one who's been most constantly in the company of the Queen." "Yes, someone who's had the job of keeping her amused." "Well, Sir Roger, have you been dallying with the Queen?" "Certainly not, sire." " Your hand on it?" " Not even a finger on it." "Come, come, Sir Roger, it will be less painful for you if you were to confess." "Never!" "In the Tower, we have ways of forcing a confession, you know." " You won't get a thing out of me." " I'll wager those were the very words the Queen used to you." "Oh, no, as a matter of fact, she was ready and waiting..." "Ha, ha, ha!" "My Lord Cardinal, will you show the Queen to her apartment?" " Gladly." "This way, Your Majesty." " Wait." "What is to happen to Sir Roger?" "Nothing, if he signs a simple confession." " And if he doesn't?" " He will." "We have gadgets like the thumbscrew." "Fear not, ma'am." "I can stand any amount of screwing." "Well spoken, Sir Roger." "I will not confess." "And that's flat!" "Methinks you'll change your mind, Sir Roger, when it is flat!" "Take him directly below." " Thomas Cromwell, you are a cruel man." " Me?" "Cruel, ma'am?" "Why, I'm known as Cromwell the Considerate." "Considerate?" "You?" "What about all those poor martyrs you had burned at the stake last week?" " What about them?" " Call that considerate?" "Well, of course." "Didn't I go round every one of them and say, "How do you like your stake?"" "That's right." "He did, you know." "So, this is to be my home for the rest of my days?" "And what, pray, is this place?" " The Bloody Tower." " There's no need to be common." "No, no, that's what they call it, my lady." "And this is the best you can provide for... a Queen of England and cousin of the King of France?" "Oh, it's one of the pleasantest rooms in the Tower, my lady." "There's a lovely view from the window." "On a foggy day." "Oh, Wolsey." "What is to become of me?" "Will I ever look up to see the clear blue of the sky again?" "Will I ever again feel the blessed warmth of the sun on my tender skin?" "I really couldn't say." "The weather report isn't good." "Nay, my lord, do not try and spare my feelings." "You know well that as soon as Henry has his signed confession, it will be my head on the block and phut!" "No!" "No, don't speak of it, madam." "Please, I can't bear to think of it." "Your lovely head for that filthy old basket." "Nay, my lord, you must not speak of the King thus." "No." "Oh, no, no." "I meant the basket into which your head will fall." "Oh, that filthy old basket, yes." "This might have all been avoided if only you had renounced the garlic." "Dear Wolsey, you have always loved me, haven't you?" " Devotedly, ma'am." " Enough to do me a service?" "Oh, certainly." "What would you like?" "A matins or a quick vespers?" "Not that sort of service, my lord." "I would simply have you deliver a letter for me to the French ambassador." "I wouldn't dare do that." "I must appraise him of what has happened." "It is my only hope." "They're so strict on security here." "Even I'm searched from top to bottom when I leave." " Top to bottom?" " Well, almost." "There is in fact only one place I could put a letter where it might avoid detection." "And you could not bring yourself to do that for me?" "Yes!" "Yes, I will, I will." "Oh, thank you, my lord." "Here is the letter." "Ah, my dear Sir Roger." "I believe you know what this little toy is called?" " The rack." " Precisely." "An ingenious invention." "We simply tie you to it, hand and foot, and then each day, a turn on the wheel at both ends." "Yes, I know." "What criminals call "going for a stretch"." " Exactly." "Would you care to try it?" " Have I an alternative?" " Oh, yes." "Just sign this." " Without even reading it?" "I'll read it to you." "It's just a simple little confession." ""In as much as I, Roger de Lodgerley, of Bedside Manor, Wilts, referred to as the party of the first part, did unlawfully, with malice aforethought and without taking due precaution, admire, covet, blandish, cosset, seduce and otherwise get at Marie," "spouse to Henry Tudor, referred to as the party of the second part." "I do hereby solemnly declare, any witness thereof I append to my signature below, that the resulting issue, herein after referred to as the party of the third part, is the consequence of the joining together of the party of the first part's and the party of the second part's parts."" "As you said, very simple." " You'll sign, then?" " Not on your Bonaparte." "Very well, then." "Carry on." "His Excellency, the French ambassador." "Your Majesty!" "My dear Duc de Poncenay." "I trust I do not intrude upon Your Majesty's time?" " Not at all." "We're happy to receive you." " A thousand thanks, sire." " You're welcome." "Cup of tea?" " Mais non, sire." "I have but lately had elevenses." "Excellent." "And what brings you to our court?" "I am instructed by His Majesty, King Francis, to offer his most profound congratulations." "Yes?" "What on?" "Why, that your union with his cousin, Queen Marie, is to be blessed with issue." "And how did he know that?" "Good news travels fast, Your Majesty." "This is not exactly good news." "I'm not really..." "King Francis was so overjoyed that he proposed, on the occasion of the birth, to give you a personal presentation of 50,000 gold crowns." "I dare say, but the point is... 50,000?" "Gold crowns." " But Your Majesty was going to say something?" " No, no, nothing." "Bon." "And now perhaps I may convey our congratulations to your good Queen?" "Yes, well, er, she's not here at the moment." "She's away." "Oh la la." "King Francis did so desire an early confirmation of her good health and happiness." "I tell you what, you join us for dinner tonight." "She'll be back by then." "That will be most delightful, Your Majesty." "Your servant, sire." "And yours." "Don't just stand there." "Get to the Tower and fetch her." "He's given in, m'lord." "He's ready to sign." "At last!" "Bring him in." "Bring him in." "My..." "My dear Sir Roger, I'm very glad you decided to give in before things went too far." "There we are, my love." "Take it easy." "That's it." "We don't want anything to happen to our precious little bundle, do we?" "Your Majesty, your cousin King Francis wishes me to convey to you his most joyous felicitations." "What on?" "Being confined in the Tower of London?" "What?" "Er, now, dear, don't get excited." "Think of the baby." "Pay no attention." "They always act funny when they're in the issue way." "True, but I did not understand." "What is this about being confined in the Tower?" "Oh, that's just an old English tradition." "Queens always have their babies there." "True, but I think you meant confined, locked up." "No, no, confined - knocked up." "It's very different." "Your quaint English customs." "Yes, they are quaint..." "Yes, well, let's drink to the successful delivery of my baby." "Your baby?" " Naturally, who else's?" " You want a list?" "If you don't want to go straight back to the Tower, shut your drawbridge." "Then if it is yours, exactly what are you trying to make poor Sir Roger confess to?" "Me?" "I'm not trying to make him confess to anything." "Your Majesty, I have it." "The signed confession!" " What confession?" " Sir Roger's confession of fatherhood." "He's a liar." "I don't want it." "Get a retraction." "A retraction?" "You must be mad!" "You know perfectly well that your confession was a deliberate lie." "What?" "All that nonsense about the party of the first part." "You never even touched the Queen." "I beg your jolly pardon, but I most certainly did!" "Your affair with her was a figment of your imagination." "Oh, yes?" "Did you ever hear of a figment that left teeth marks in your neck?" "I don't wish to know that." "What I want is a signed retraction." "A simple statement like "The Queen and I are just good friends."" "Oh, no." "I am incapable of doing it." "Oh, even better." "Impotency, yes." "No, no, no." "I mean I could never sign such a statement." "My dear Sir Roger, you don't want to go back on the rack, do you?" " Not particularly." " Then do I get my retraction or not?" " Not." " Not?" " Not." " Not?" "Why do I always get knotted?" "Put him back on the rack." "# Court music" "You're a cunning old bastard." "I made a mistake, my love." "You're the only woman for me." "I just can't wait to take your loveliness into my arms." " Every stone of it." " I'll believe that when it happens." "Wait till I get you upstairs." "I'll show you something." "Like you did the last time?" "Playing all night with your tiddlywink?" "More music." "More, I say!" "Pardon, Your Majesty, but I should be greatly honoured if I could cut in." "Of course, my dear Duc." "No, no, Your Majesty." "I meant with Her Majesty." "Oh, yes, help yourself." "Well, everybody to his own taste." "Oh, Your Grace, it is indeed a joy to see you and the Queen so happily reunited." "Yes, she's not a bad old stick, really." "After all, youth isn't everything, is it?" "Indeed not, sir." "It is well said that there's many a good tune played on an old fiddle." "True." "Particularly when you haven't had your bow out for some time." "What do I want another wife for?" "Look at the shower here tonight." "Not one of them worth a second look." "Certainly not worth giving up 50,000 crowns for." "I tell you, Wol..." " Wolsey." " Yes, my lord." " Who's that with the two beauties?" " That's your third wife, sire." "Not her." "The fella that's just come in with the two beauties." "Fellow with two beauties, my lord?" "Ooh, I see what you mean." "Oh, that's old Charles, the Earl of Bristol, and his daughters." "Oh, so those are Charlie's." "Why haven't I seen them at court before?" "He's been our ambassador at the Spanish court." "They've only just come back." "Looks like one of them hasn't had time to unpack yet." "Ha, ha!" "Maybe I can give her a hand with it." "# Musicians play" " Ah, the pavane." "My favourite measure." "Mine, too." " Fancy that!" " Yes, I'm afraid he does." "May I have the pleasure?" "Oh, no, I only came here to dance." "The King is asking you to dance, Bettina." "Oh, well, that's..." "The King!" "Please excuse her, Your Majesty." "'Tis her first time at court." "That's all right." "There has to be a first time for every girl." "May I, then?" "Oh, well, of course, Your Majesty." "If I'd known who you were, I wouldn't have said no." "You keep on saying that and we'll be all right." "So they call you Bettina?" "Yes, but most people just call me Bet, Your Majesty." "If I'm going to call you Bet, you must call me Maj." "All right, Maj." "You dance very well, Bet." "Thank you, Maj." "I'll bet you got plenty of it in Spain, eh?" "Oh, no, they never let me be alone with anyone long enough." "No, dancing, I mean." "Oh, yes." "But it's very different there, you know." "You see, there's these two things..." "Yes, I'd noticed those." " They call them castanets." " Oh, that's a new name for 'em." "And all the time you're dancing, they keep knocking together." "Yes, I'd noticed that, too." "It's getting chilly in here." "Shall we go into the summerhouse and warm up a bit?" "Oh, no, I've heard what happens to girls who go into summerhouses with men." "Good, that should save a bit of time." "Oh, but I mustn't." "I promised my mother I'd be a good Bet." "You're the best bet I've seen in years, believe me." "Maj!" "Why is he taking her out into the garden?" "Oh, I expect just to get a little air, ma'am." "How many more heirs does he want?" "HENRY:" "That's it." "Now you're getting the idea." "BET:" "Oh!" "Oh, no more!" "BET:" "I'm not used to that much, you know." "HENRY:" "It won't hurt." "Just a bit more." "Nearly finished." "BET:" "Oh, no..." "BET:" "No, no!" "HENRY:" "Come on, come on." "Oh, no!" "My mother says I mustn't have too much drink." "It can lead to a girl's ruin." "I'm beginning to love your mother." "Drink inflames the ardour." "Yes, the more you have, the harder it gets." "To stop drinking, I mean." "Ha, ha!" "Ooh!" "Oh, I can hardly believe it." "Little me in the King's arms." "Well, it's the best boozer in town." "With all those beautiful ladies in there, why on earth did you pick on me?" "Well, there's a couple of things, I suppose." "Oh, Maj!" "You're only after one thing." "Why?" "What's the matter with the other one?" "Oh, I think you're one of those men with evil dimensions." "Intentions." "On the contrary, my dear," "I'm about to do you the greatest honour a benevolent monarch can do a subject." "I know, you're going to make me a lady." "Well, not quite." " What, then?" " To start with, I'm going to kiss you." "Oh, no, my mother says I mustn't start kissing men." "You never know where it will end." "I know where it will end." "No, she says I must save myself until I have a husband." " Well, that's all right." "I'm a husband." " That's right." " You are, aren't you?" " Yes." "There!" " That was a little one." " Yes." " Now, show me a big one." " Oh, no, not now." "I'm too hot." "No wonder you're too hot." "You're laced up too tight." "Oh, no." "Don't you undo those." "I've nothing underneath." "You must be joking!" "Go on, I won't look." "Oh, well, all right, then." "But I'll undo them." "If you promise to keep your eyes shut all the time?" "Yes, yes, of course, yes." "I won't be a minute." "There, that's better." "Come on, where are you?" "Cor..." "Ooh!" "Oh, Bet, my darling Bet, you are beautiful." " Ooh, what have I done?" " Hee, hee!" "You little devil, you!" "Come here!" "There must be an easier way to earn a loving." "Come here!" "Ah, good day, my love." "Good day indeed." "And where, might I ask, have you been for the past two weeks?" "Me?" "I had to go down to Bristol to lay a foundation stone." "Yes, I rather thought you might be laying something." "How good it is to see my dear wife so happily intent on her embroidery." "And why should I not be happy, my lord, when it is something to remind me of you?" "Me?" "Really?" "Let's have a look." "It is not quite finished yet." "No." "No, don't tell me..." "Oh, yes. "Henry is a sh... shining example to one and all."" "Oh, now you have spoilt my little surprise." "And talking of surprises, my love, I have one for you." " Yes?" " Something you've needed for some time." " Isn't it a little late for that?" " You'll never guess." "A new lady-in-waiting." "Come in, my dear." "There you are." "Now, don't say I never get you anything." "Go on, say your piece." "Your Majesty, it is a great honour." "The King has done me." "No, no, no." "No full stop." "A great honour the King has done me." "Oh, that's right." "Sorry." "It is a great honour the King has done me by making me." "By making me your lady-in-waiting." "Dear, oh, dear." "By making me your lady-in-waiting." "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "A whole month gone and nothing but an occasional wave do I get from her to still the fever in my blood." "Methinks, sire, it is high time we went hunting again." "No, I'm in no mood for that." "Ooh, I have such a passion for this wench, it rots my very socks." " Then make her yours." " Don't you think I've tried?" "But every time my eager hand lights upon her... flesh, you can hear the wedding march." " Oh, then you must marry her." " And lose 50,000 crowns?" "Perhaps for nothing?" "Oh, no." "I've been tricked by women before." "Too often have I split open a likely looking pod to find nothing but shrivelled peas within." "You have not seen her without?" "No, worst luck." "If I could only be sure that the were all they promised, I would indeed risk all." "Well, sire, there are more ways than one to peel a banana." " Over here, we have petunias." " They're lovely." " A little further down is the rose garden." " They're beautiful." "The gardeners are kept very busy." "There's quite a lot of them." "Well, there would need to be, wouldn't there?" "The swans should be coming up fairly shortly." " Over there, you see." " Oh, where?" " Oh, yes." " I've got the biggest swan in the country." " Come over here, I'll show it to you." " Yes." "Now, just over here, you get a beautiful view." "Just er... round about there, I would say." "Oh!" "You twit!" "Oh, you poor thing!" "You're all wet through." "Here, let me help you off with your cloak." "No, no, it's the wrong way round." "I was supposed to help..." "See?" "That is the window of the room where she daily bathes at this hour." "Ha, ha!" "Right, no mistakes this time." "Don't worry, sire, nothing can go wrong." "All right, let's go." " Well, come on, come on." " She won't move, sire." " Giddy-up, you lazy lump!" "(Horse whinnies)" "No!" "Argh!" "M'lord, Sir Roger's given in." "He'll sign a retraction statement." "Thank heavens!" "After all these weeks of waiting." "Well, bring him in." "Cromwell, you win again." "I warned you, Sir Roger." "We'll go to..." "We'll go to any lengths to get what we want." "You sent for me, my lord?" "Yes, Mistress Bet." "We're so well pleased with your services that we wish to honour you." " Oh!" "Oh, how lovely!" " Carry on, my Lord Cardinal." "It is Our most gracious Majesty's desire that you be given this." "Oh, isn't it lovely?" "Shall I put it on?" "Not yet." "A ceremonial gown goes with it that you must put on first." " Oh." "Now?" " Of course." "But surely Your Grace would not be so cruel as to ask me to take this one off before your eyes?" "Of course not." "That's what the screen is for." "Oh, I'm sorry I misjudged you, my lord." " Phwoar!" " Do you mind?" "Oh, I beg your pardon, Your Majesty, but I have ne'er seen one so beautifully endowed." "Those dimpled shoulders, that slender neck," "those shell-like ears..." "Later." "I'm going the other way." "Mmm." "Sire, I have it!" "I have it!" "Quiet." "There." "Is it all right?" "Absolutely perfect, my dear." "Cromwell, you couldn't have come at a better time." "Meet your future queen." "How do you do, ma'am?" "Here it is at last, sire." "Duly signed." "Future queen?" "That's right." "As from as soon as possible." "But I have Sir Roger's retraction here." "Look." "Retraction, you fool!" "What use is that?" "I want a divorce." "A divorce?" "But what of Queen Marie?" "Your issue?" "The 50,000 gold crowns?" "You charlatan!" "Would you put mere gold before the wellbeing of all England?" "Wellbeing of England?" "Certainly." "If I'm happy, everybody's happy." "What are you waiting for?" "Go and get that confession." "(Sobs hysterically)" "Well, there you are, then." "As you see, I've managed to get your old room back for you." " It's really quite..." " Please, my Lord Cardinal." "Spare me the bit about the view from the window." "I've seen it." "Well, it won't be for long." "Just until they get Sir Roger's confession of paternity." "My lord, you are still my friend, art thou not?" "Oh, I most definitely art, yes." "Then help me get word of my imprisonment to my cousin King Francis." "Oh, not another letter, please." "Oh, 'tis only a short one." "Oooh..." "Don't worry, I'll tell him." "What do you mean, he won't fit into it any more?" "The rack won't go any further, m'lord." "He's outgrown it." "That's ridiculous." "There must be some way." "Here, wait a minute." "What about the iron maiden?" "I've never tried that." "Well, I suppose we could give it a try." "Hello?" "Anyone in there?" "Oh, no, it says vacant." "Look." "That's a bit of luck." "Would you mind?" "Thanks." "The hat." "There." "I think I can manage it." "Mind you don't prick yourself." "Bye-bye." "Don't stay in there too long." "Others may want to use it." "Move the spikes in one inch daily." " Your Majesty." " Did you get the confession?" " I fear not, sire." " It's been a whole week." "I know." "His stamina's amazing." "But I don't think he can keep it up." "I don't think I can either." "How much longer are we going to stand here waiting?" "All right." "Take a break." "Back in an hour." "Then that is the plan, gentlemen." "We rescue Queen Marie from the Tower, confront Henry with her, and force his abdication in her favour." "Agreed." "But how will we gain access to the main gate?" "It's heavily bolted." "Yes." "That is the main problem." " Well, I still have those barrels of gunpowder." " Thank you, Fawkes!" "Well, well, I see you're keeping busy, ma'am." "Yes, it is a present for my cousin Francis." "When it is finished, I would like you to smuggle it out to him." "Oooh!" "Ooh, I do hope that won't be necessary, ma'am." " Sir Roger has not confessed yet, then?" " No, no." "No, ma'am, it's quite extraordinary." "Two weeks now." "Is it true, then?" "He is ready to sign?" "I think so, m'lord." "At the last turn of the spikes, he cried out, "Enough!"" "Oh, good." "Open up, then, quickly." "Open up." "Well, well, Sir Roger." " You've had enough, then?" " I'll say." "There was a shocking draught in the most extraordinary places." "Well, help him out." "Quickly, quickly." "Sign here." "Oh, do you mind?" "First, please, can I have a drink?" "Yes." "Water, quickly." "Go to the King immediately and tell him the good news." "Here, sign." "Sign here." " Sir Roger is to sign the confession." " That's it." "I'm divorced." "Here we go." "Come on, love." "Wake up." "This is it." "Where's Wolsey?" "Where is he?" "He said he had to go to Canterbury to try a witch." " Try a witch!" "Why?" " Oh, don't ask me." "I should have thought they'd be the same as any other girl." "He doesn't mean "try" in that sense." "Never mind, we'll do it without him." " We weren't going to do it with him, were we?" " I mean get married." " But how?" " Nothing to it." "Just stand there." "I'll show you." "She does." "I do." "I now declare us." "That's it." "In you go." "Through there." " Is that all?" " What do you want?" "Organ music?" " But I don't feel married." " You will in half an hour." "Beautiful, beautiful." "Every inch a queen and every inch accounted for." " Sh!" " What are you reading?" "Ball's Book of English Law." " Pardon?" " It says here that no marriage is legal unless it is performed by a member of the church." "Oh, that's just Ball's... outlook." " But it says it." " I know that." "But what you don't know is that I made myself head of the English Church." " Really?" "When?" " Right now." "Oh, so it's all right, then." "I really am Queen?" "That's it." "Bet, Queen of England." "You'll have to tell me what my duties are." "I'll do better." "I'll show you." "(Clang!" ")" "How many times do I have to tell them about that?" "It could have ruined my prospects." "Poor Henry." "Can I do something?" "If you can't, I've been wasting my time." "Hang on." "Oh, Bet." "Sweet Bet." "How long have I waited for this moment?" "Oh, dear Henry." "I do hope I shall not be a disappointment to you." " I'm sure you won't." " But it's all right for you." " You've had plenty of practice." " Oh, Bet, sweet Bet." "(Knock on door)" " Oh, no, go away!" "I'm busy." "Pardon, but it's King Francis." "He's riding into the courtyard." "Francis!" "It is Francis." "I'm sorry, love." "I'll have to go." "Keep it warm." "I'll be back as soon as I can." " Fanny!" " Gracey!" "Oh, pardon." "Lipstick." "How overjoyed I am to see you again, my dear friend." "And I you." "I hope you did not mind my coming unheralded?" "Not at all." "I am honoured to see my noble, well-loved ally at any time." "Merci." "Up ze glorious line of England!" "And up yours." "Well, I won't keep you." "I expect you're wanting to get back home." "True, true." "But I could not bear to leave without first paying respects to my dear cousin, Queen Marie." "Yes..." "Well, now, that's not quite possible at the moment." " No?" " Well, she's getting very near her time." "How you so quaintly put it." "In ze club of ze pudding?" "That's it." "Queen's pudding." "Ha, ha!" "And no doubt she will be resting up in her bedchamber now, eh?" "Naturally." "Where else?" "You know, this will make you laugh very much." "But..." " An absurd rumour has reached me..." " Yes?" "...zat she is being confined in ze Tower." "The Tower?" "Ha, ha!" "Absurd, I know." "Something about ze pudding not being yours." "Ha, ha!" "I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life." "Absurd, I know." "That is what I tell my advisors." "You see," "Bidet, I told you, there was no need to bring ze army." "Army?" "Just 20,000 men." "They are encamped at Dover." "Fancy." "I hope they're enjoying themselves." "Dover can be very nice at this time of year." "I thought ze change would do them good." "They're very restless, you know." "They have not fought for some time." "Yes, I've er... just had a thought." "I'll pop upstairs and see if Marie can see you for a while." "Oh, zat would be most kind." "I thought it might be." "Meanwhile, I'll have some food and wine brought in for you." " Oh, zat would be delightful." " Yes." "Get wine and food." "Keep them occupied as long as you can." "Yes, sire." " Wolsey, come here!" " Ooh, I'm so sorry..." "Never mind." "Go to the Tower fast as you can and bring Marie here." " What?" " Go on!" "Go on!" "Oh, Fawkes!" "You and your bloody gunpowder!" "Just a minute." "Come on!" "Well, well, well." "Looking after you all right, are they, gentlemen?" "Plenty of wine?" "Where's King Francis?" "I fear he grew impatient, my lord, and decided to go up and surprise the Queen." "Oh, no!" "Now it's war." "Haw-haw-haw!" "Surprise!" "Oh, pardon, madam!" "Oh, that's all right." "I..." "I thought this was the Queen's bedchamber." "Oh, it is." "Who are you, then?" "Francis," "King of France." "At your service." "Oh, I say!" "Two kings in my room in one night." "That's going it!" " Mon Dieu, you are ravishing!" " What, me?" "What we call in France, un petit raver." "Ooh!" "But tell me, I must know... who are you?" "Oh, I'm the Queen, silly." "Ze Queen?" "Oh, you've met." "Who is this and what does she mean by..." "she is the Queen?" "Did she tell you that?" "She's having you on." "Don't take any notice." "You're a naughty girl." "What are you doing in the Queen's bed?" "Waiting for you." "BOTH:" "Ha!" "Ha!" "lunderstand." "She is your mistress?" "She is not." "She's the Queen's lady-in-waiting, Mistress Bettina." "What are you talking about?" "You married me." "Ha, ha!" "Married!" "That's a laugh." "She's a nice, little thing but she hasn't got much up here." "But she makes up for it elsewhere, eh?" "Don't you think we ought to go back downstairs?" "No, no." "I wish to have a few words with Mistress Bettina." "My dear, are you hiding something from me?" "In this nightgown?" "You must be joking." "Then zere is something I want you to tell me very truthfully." "Yes, what?" "I wish to know where Marie is." " Marie?" " Oui, oui." "Oh, she's up the spout." "Er, no, no." "I don't zink you quite understand." "Where - is - she?" "Oh!" "Oh, she's upstairs." "Upstairs?" "That's right." "In the Tower." " So, it is true?" " Now, wait a minute, Fanny." "I can explain." "Don't bother!" "I shall return... with my army." "Big mouth!" "Gentlemen!" "We will rejoin ze army." "It is war." "Fanny, wait!" "Here, Fanny." "Fanny, come here." "Now, let me explain." "You are a liar." "You told me the Queen was not in ze Tower." " Only because I didn't want to worry you." " Worry?" "Me?" "You see, I had news of a plot on the Queen's life." "They were going to abduct her from the palace." " And?" " And well, to fool them, we put the lady-in-waiting in her room and Wolsey took the Queen to the Tower for safety." " I hope zis time you are telling me the truth." " Why should I lie?" "Your Majesty..." "Here's Wolsey." "He'll tell you." " Your Majesty, I have dire news." " I'm not interested in your personal complaints." " But, sire..." " Never mind." "King Francis would like to know whether the Queen is safely in the Tower." " No, she isn't." " Don't mess about." "You can tell him." "It's fine." "But she isn't there." "She's been abducted." "Well, Henry?" "What game is this, huh?" "I cannot believe it." "My dear beautiful wife, to lose her at such a time." " And it's all your fault, you Cardinal!" " Me?" "What have I done?" "What haven't you done?" "I entrusted her to you and you betrayed my trust." " I've been trying to get rid of her for a year." " There's only one cure for traitors." " To the Tower with him!" " Ooh, no!" "Get your hands off me." "Sire, look..." "Mind my hat!" "Listen, can I..." "I explain?" "My lord..." "My beloved Marie." "My only true love." "Bear up." "All is not lost." "She may yet be found alive." "I hope not... er, hope all is not lost." "I cannot bear the... thought of never holding that lissom form in my arms again." "Oh, the enormity of it!" "She was a bit on the large side, Gracey." "But I loved her, Fanny." "Every little acre of her." "I know how you feel." "I only recently lost my last queen, you know." " Oh, I didn't know." "How?" " It was quite sudden." "She... caught her neck in ze guillotine." " Her Majesty, Queen Marie!" "BOTH:" "What?" "Marie!" "Oh, dear cousin!" " Welcome, Francis." " What a joy to see you safe and..." " Well!" " Thanks only to Lord Hampton here." "My love!" "My own true love, I cannot tell you how delighted I am." "You may not be so delighted once you have heard what Lord Hampton has to say." " Sire, it is my painful duty..." " No, no." "No apologies, my dear Hampton." "It is enough that you have delivered my dear Queen safely back to me." " I do not think you can understand..." " And your grateful King will reward you." " I know you're a poor man." " Yes." "But actually, I came here..." "No, no modesty, my dear Hampton." "Give me your sword." "Kneel." "Hampton of Wick, we do herewith dub you" "Lord of the Duchy of Berkshire." "Arise, Hampton, Prince of Berks." "Sire, I am sensible to the honour but..." "And the 10,000 crowns a year that go with it." "I am your most loyal servant, Your Majesty." "You'd better be." "You now have our permission to withdraw." "Lord Hampton!" "Have you forgotten the purpose of your coming?" "I am sorry, ma'am, but I must live up to my family motto:" ""Non fartum contra tornaetrum,"" "which unhappily means "Fight not against thunder."" "Well, I'm glad that's all settled." "Now I must take you up to bye-byes." "Oh, no, you don't, Henry Tudor." "I am not yet finished with you or that puny little Hampton." "Now, steady, love." "Not in front of the visitors." "You may have been able to silence him." "But not me." "Cousin Francis, I must tell you..." "Sire!" "Sire!" "Sire, I have it." "Look, the confession." "All signed." " What confession?" "What do you mean?" " Sir Roger's confession of paternity..." "Oh!" "Yes, well, perhaps some other time." "Just a minute." "Let me see that." "So it's you that's been fermenting this dastardly lie." "Yes..." "What?" "Do you think I would have believed it possible of such a loving wife as she?" " But I thought..." " This is what I think of your base treachery." " No!" " And you will go the way of all traitors." "Guards!" " But I have done your bidding, sire." " Quiet!" "To the Tower!" "The Tower!" "Not the Tower!" "Anything but the Tower!" "Oh, I beseech you from my bowels." "Oh, hear!" "Hear!" "Would you credit it?" "My own Lord Chancellor!" "I tell you, you cannot trust anyone these days." "How very true." "And now, Marie, what were you about to tell me, huh?" "Only that Henry has been a most loving and devoted husband and will, I am certain, continue to be so for the rest of our days." " Right, dear?" " Yes, dear." "Of course, dear." "And will renounce all other seasoning and convert to the garlic?" "Right?" "Naturally." "In that case, I can return to France reassured." "Good." "Don't think that I'm not grateful for the concern you showed my dear wife." " If there's anything I can do in return?" " Oh, no, no..." "Oui." "There is something." " Name it." "She'll be yours." " Er, Marie has a lady-in-waiting," "Mistress Bettina, who has held my fancy." " Er, no, no..." " But of course you may have her." "She would make an excellent queen." "Do you not think so, Henry?" "Oh, no, not her." "Not for a great king like Francis." "Do you not think so, Henry?" "Yes, dear." "Wonderful." "Well, goodbye, Bet." "Bye, Henry." "Oh, isn't it exciting?" "Me, Queen of France." "Yes, innit?" "What a good job you found out we weren't really married before we did anything." "Yes, wasn't it?" "On avance!" " What I do for England." " Your Majesty, the Queen is in labour." "Don't worry, they'll never get back in." "No, no, no, in child labour, sire." "Eh?" "Blimey!" "Where is he?" "I must see the little b... er, fella." "My son." "The image of you, dear." "Dear wife," "I am eternally grateful to you." "To show my gratitude, I shall devote the rest of my life to you and you alone." " Who's that?" " The new lady-in-waiting, sire." "Her name is Catherine Howard." "Mmmmm!" " What do you mean, it's all my fault?" " Well, you arranged the match with Marie." " Rubbish!" "It was all your idea." " It wasn't!" " It was!" " Liar!" "Hypocrite!" "Stop!" "Stay the execution!" "What?" "Are we pardoned, sire?" "Yes, I have urgent need of your services." "Oh, well, I shall only be too happy to serve Your Majesty." "Me, too, sire." "You've only to command." "I want an immediate divorce." " Yes..." "BOTH:" "What?" "Carry on, executioner!" "Carry on!"