"( romantic music playing )" "Well..." "How about a little of that wine I promised you?" "I had it imported from Napa Valley, California." "Lips that touch wine shall never touch mine." "Oh." "Well, that might make drinking this a little difficult." "How about a cigarette?" "I don't smoke." "I don't think I understand." "This is health food." "Those matches are for nibbling." "Try one." "Hmm, not bad-- peppermint." "Try one of my cigarettes." "It's, uh..." "tutti-frutti." "Just full of quick energy." "The road to better health is a healthy diet." "Okay, why don't we wash it all down with a little aqua pura?" "Mr. Smart, you are so handsome, so sophisticated..." "Je t'adore." " Oh, is it open?" " No." "( speaks foreign language )" "Enchantée." "( thumps )" "Oh, Mr. Smart-- may I call you Max?" "That was a wonderful kiss." "It did seem to send sparks all through me." "Well, I'll drink to that." "What was that, Max?" "Oh nothing, really." "Someone just trying to poison me." " Really?" " Yes." "While I was kissing you, he shot this wire over my head and sent down a poison pellet, but it missed and fell on the bar, right here." "At least, it was right here." "Unless, of course-- don't tell me you put it in my drink." "I put it in your drink." "I asked you not to tell me that." "That poison is a gift from KAOS," "Mr. Smart, compliments of Mr. Hercules." "At exactly 1:00 tomorrow, you will be dead." "( theme music playing )" "What are we doing here, Chief?" "I don't need entertainment, I need an antidote." "Max, Backstage at the Follies is our front for the CONTROL lab, and it works perfectly for Dr. Steele." "Dr. Steele?" "Our head toxicologist-- the best there is in the field of poison and antidotes." "Well, does this doctor practice or rehearse?" "Relax, Max." "Nine out of 10 doctors who get poisoned" " come to Dr. Steele." " Shh!" "Well, I've heard of big suitcases, but this is ridiculous." "It's the only way we can keep KAOS from discovering the location of Dr. Steele's lab, Max." "Oh, Doctor." "This is your patient-- the case I was telling you about." "I'll be right with you, Mr. Smart." " That's Dr. Steele?" " Yes." "The chorus line is her cover." " Not much of a cover, is it?" " Max!" "Well, I'm not dead yet, Chief." "Have a seat, Mr. Smart." "I'm working on your case." "I'm trying to analyze exactly what poison is in your system." " You haven't finished yet?" " No." "Unfortunately, the opening number ran a little long." "Yes, well, could you please hurry, Doctor?" "Oh, one does not hurry the process of scientific research, Mr. Smart." "Oh, would one remember that one is going to die at 1:00 tomorrow afternoon and I'm the one who's the one?" "Max, please, Dr. Steele can't find the antidote until she discovers what kind of poison you took." "Try to cooperate." "Imagine... a deadly poison released into the bloodstream every second, building, building to its inevitable end, and it doesn't even upset your stomach." "Will you forget the commercial?" "What about the antidote?" "There." " The antidote." " No, it's the poison." "The very same poison the KAOS scientists invented." "I don't understand." "The same poison?" "Yes." "I succeeded in discovering the formula weeks ago!" "However, I haven't yet been able to master the secret of the delaying action." "Mine is fatal in exactly 30 seconds." " But I'm certain that I can" " Man on P.A.:" "Onstage in two minutes." "You're on, Miss Steele." "Dr. Steele, what about the antidote?" "Don't worry, Mr. Smart." "Since I know the formula for the poison," "I have no doubt that I can find an antidote." "Well, that's great." "When?" "Shouldn't take me more than six months." "Six months?" "!" "Well, that is, if the show doesn't go on the road." "Maybe I can get another dancing doctor in to help you." "I'm gonna die at 1:00 tomorrow." "I know, Mr. Smart." "I said six months, but it could happen any time." "I'm going to find an answer." "What I don't know is when." "It'll be just my luck to find it tomorrow at 2:00 after you're dead." "You don't know how badly that makes me feel." "It could be tomorrow, or it could be the next day, or it could be in a week, or it could be a month." "Well, as long as it could be, could it be in a half an hour?" "Doctor, there must be something you can do." "( sighs )" "Well, I've already checked the computer." "Unless I can find an answer between the shows..." "I'm afraid this is official." ""Maxwell Smart," "Classification:" "dead."" " Man on P.A.:" "Onstage." " Whoo!" " Excuse me." " Onstage for rehearsal, Miss Steele." "( show tune playing )" " But" " This is the big finale." "This is crazy." "She's crazy!" "You're all crazy!" "I don't believe I'm gonna die!" "I'm gonna get out of here and find another doctor-- a real doctor." "One with funny legs." "( door opens )" "Man's voice:" "You have at least nine hours, perhaps as much as 18, Mr. Smart." "Max's voice:" "The first doctor gave me from one to two days." "Man's voice:" "He may be right." "I hope so." "But frankly, I think you'll die at 1:00 PM today." "Max's voice:" "I have no family-- haven't had a day off since spy school." "There's no way I can crowd 30 years of living into one afternoon." "The only thing I can do is check out quietly." "Help!" "Home early, Mr. Smart?" "Getting ready for a big evening?" "Yes, John." "You might say this is the big one." "I wish I were going." "You will be going someday." " Huh?" " Listen, John, if I don't see you again, I wanna thank you for everything." "You're moving?" "Yes, well, you might say I'm moving on." "After tonight, John, well..." " this is goodbye." " Wait a second." " What about the five bucks you owe me?" " I'll pay you tomorrow." "Max?" "Max?" "!" "I just got back from a case and I heard you were sent home." " I hope you're not ill." " Not ill, 99." " Oh, good." " Dead." "Max, what are you saying?" "!" "I'll be dead in one hour and 14 minutes." "Make that one hour, 13 minutes and 59 seconds." " Max, there must be some mistake." " There's no mistake, 99." "21 doctors have confirmed it-- I've been poisoned and there's absolutely no chance of finding an antidote in time." "But there must be something that can be done." "There's nothing that can be done." "At 1:00 Maxwell Smart will be dead." "Only his legend will live on." "Max, you just can't take your death lying down." "You're right, 99." " There is something I can do." " What's that?" "Kill the man who's responsible for trying to murder me." " Do you know who he is?" " No, we've never met, but the girl who poisoned me told me his name was Mr. Hercules." "What girl?" "The girl who was in my apartment last night." "I thought you were working last night." "Uh, yes!" "Well, a man needs a little relaxation." "After all, all work and no play" "Makes Max a dead boy." "Oh, I'm sorry, Max." "I shouldn't have said that." "Do you know where we can find the girl?" "No." " Well, maybe she left a clue." " ( doorknob turns )" "Shh!" "All right, turn around, put your hands up against the wall." " Come on, move!" "Move, turn around!" " But" "( laughs ) Don't." "All right, turn around." "Just who are you?" "What do you want?" "What are you doing in my apartment?" "I'm Elwood Box, and this is no longer your apartment." "This is government property." " Do you know who I am?" " Yes, I do, Mr. Smart, and you were a wonderful man." "Believe me, my heart broke when I heard that you were dead." "That's not so!" "Max is not dead!" "Please, let's not complicate matters." "I have orders here from the CONTROL Termination Department to pick up your body." "Not until 1:00, you don't." "Mr. Smart, don't be selfish." "Please don't waste my entire day." "Now can't I have the body a little earlier?" "No, you can't have the body a little earlier." "I'd like to use it to try and find my killer." "Very well." "I'll see you at 1:00." "And please do me a favor-- while you're looking, wear a dark suit." "Uh, shoes are optional." "You got a match, 99?" "Oh, here's one, Max." "99, these matches-- that girl left them here." " They're peppermint." " Max, are you delirious?" "Here, try one." "You're right." "And these cigarettes are tutti-frutti." " What do you think it means, Max?" " It's our clue, 99." "Happy's Health Food Shop." "( coughing ) Good afternoon." "The road to better health is a healthy diet." "99, that's the same thing the girl said to me." "Is one of your customers a girl?" "Sometimes." "Describe her, Max." "I really didn't pay that much attention to her, 99." "Let's see." "She was about 5'6", soft blonde hair, 38-23-36 measurements, deep blue eyes and delicious lips." "Max, she tried to poison you!" "Well, it's not all gravy, you know?" "What can you tell me about this?" "( coughs ) Oh, it's certainly not poison, sir." "It-- it's organically grown peppermint." " Yes, but what I wanna know" " Max, look!" "Didn't you tell me that the girl told you that the poison was with the compliments of a Mr. Hercules?" "Of course-- Hercules Gym." "Listen, can you tell us how we can get to 718 Beacon Street?" "( coughing ) It's... a pretty far trip." "You-- you go down 14th here... and turn left on Clark Street." "And then you want to go further to the-- watch the crossroads." "Forget it!" "I'll be dead before you finish!" "Come on, 99." "How's the formula for the antidote going, Dr. Steele?" "Mm..." "Looks pretty hopeless, but she's still working on it." "Is there anything I can do to help?" " Can you dance?" " I don't think so." "Then forget it." " Chief?" " What?" "It's a miracle!" "I found the antidote!" " Are you sure?" " I'm positive." "I'll have it ready for you in a few minutes." "Great work, Dr. Steele." "Now all we have to do is find Max." "Is there time?" "We still have 25 minutes." "His homing device!" "We'll zero in on him by triangulation." " Larrabee, turn on the locator." " Right, Chief." "Man on P.A.:" "Onstage for rehearsal, Miss Steele." "Dr. Steele, I can't tell you what this means to CONTROL." "You've done it again." "I'm grateful." "Dr. Steele, the antidote?" "!" " Oh, it's right there on the table." " Oh." " I'll be back in a few minutes." " ( beeping )" " There it is!" " ( buzzing )" "Southwest corner of Z Street and 15th." "Come on." "Hold it!" "That's this building." " He's here!" " It's pinpointed right in this room." "What a time for him to forget his coat!" "Wait a minute, his shoe phone." "Woman's voice:" "I'm sorry, the number you are calling has been disconnected." "The subscriber is deceased." " But" " This is a recording." "What's wrong, Chief?" "The line's dead." "And if I can't find Max in exactly 23 minutes, he'll be dead too." "( door opens )" "Oh, good morning." "May I help you?" "Yes, well, we'd just like to look around." "Yes, sir." "Are you a member?" " No, as a matter of fact I'm not." " Today is your lucky day." "Yes, well, so far it's been just about average." "Because today only, you can buy a lifetime membership-- usually a $695 value-- for only $500." "That's almost $200 off." "That's quite a savings, 99." " I think I might just" " Max, you have no time." "Oh, right." "How much will it cost to join for 17 minutes?" "Oh, we don't need any money down, sir." "We bill you later." "Just sign here." "Yes." "Well, in that case, I'd like to take out a membership for this young lady." "You can just bill me anytime after tonight." "You check that door, I'll check this one." " ( 99 gasps ) - ( woman screams )" "Oh, pardon me." "On second thought, you'd better check this one and I'll check that one." "Mr. Smart." "Well... if it isn't the health-food Lucrezia Borgia." " Please raise your hands, Mr. Smart." " And what if I don't?" " I will shoot you." " Big deal." "I'm afraid that doesn't worry me anymore." "You see, I'm already dead." "Killing me could become a very bad habit with you." "There's nobody-- ( gasps )" "99, this is the girl I was telling you about-- the girl who poisoned me." "Janet, 99; 99, Janet." "Mr. Smart, I know you're not concerned about your own life, but I am sure you are concerned about hers." "Now, both your guns, please." "Now move this way." "Hold it." "You go in here." "You, in there." "You, continue down the hall." "Go." "Through the door, Mr. Smart." "Gentlemen, this fight will have to be short." "I have less than 10 minutes, and I have nothing to lose." "Sit down, Mr. Smart." "You're right on time." "I've been expecting you." "Well, you'd certainly never know it from the reception I just got." "Merely a small delaying action." "I wanted you to arrive precisely at this moment so I can personally watch my poison take effect." "What are you, some kind of a nut that likes to see people die?" "Yes, it's such a marvelous contrast to my own splendid health." "You have just three minutes, Mr. Smart." "Will you join me in a last drink?" "Most certainly not." "That's against regulations." "I happen to be working on a case." "Not even the antidote that will save your life?" "Uh, yes." "Well, uh, come to think of it," "I think I might have just a little nip." "Not so fast, Mr. Smart." "I want the key to CONTROL's new secret code." "Give me that and the antidote is yours." " Forget it." " You haven't much time, Mr. Smart." "Right now your vision is blurring and you're becoming uncoordinated." "Oh, really?" "That's what you think." "The information?" "Hand me that pad." "Fine, Mr. Smart, now drink up." "Mr. Smart, I thought you were a man of honor." "This is the key to your old code." "That's right, Mr. Hercules." "CONTROL Procedure #3." "I have swallowed the antidote and you have phony information." "The game of espionage is such fun, isn't it?" "While you gave me phony information," "I gave you a phony antidote." "You've been reading the CONTROL Handbook." "You're wasting precious time." "Play fair with me and I'll play fair with you." "Here's the real antidote." "You have exactly... one minute and 30 seconds left." " Well?" " Well, that's a tough decision to make." "Could we have that drink now?" "Well, certainly." "What'll it be-- carrot juice, onion juice or farkleberry juice?" "Farkleberry juice?" "!" "From the bark of the farkleberry tree." "Oh, yes." "Well, that will be fine" "I'll have farkleberry juice." "Good." "I'm a carrot-juice man, myself." "I wonder if I could have my farkleberry juice on the rocks." "Of course." "Cheers." "Ahh..." "Here's your chaser, Mr. Smart." "You have exactly 45 seconds to get the bitter taste of death out of your mouth." "Well, that's 15 seconds more than you have, Mr. Hercules." " What?" " That's right." "I put the same poison in your drink-- only it kills in 30 seconds." " ( pounding on door ) - 99:" "Help!" "Let me out." "Somebody let me out!" "Stand back, 99!" "Stand back." " What happened?" " I was locked in there by the girl who poisoned Max." " Do you know where she went?" " She must be somewhere in the building." " What does she look like?" " She has blonde hair and she's wearing a candy-striped dress." "Larrabee, go find her." "Where's Max?" " I don't know, Chief." " Let's look in the gymnasium." "It's too late, Chief!" "He is dead!" " ( whispers ) Chief." " Huh?" "What did he say, Chief?" "He said would I get my knee off his chest." "Chief, what happened?" "Did I die?" "No, Max, it's all right, you're alive!" "Dr. Steele discovered the antidote, Max." "It came to her during the finale." "You owe her your life." "Well, I'll have to think of a way to repay her, Chief." "Maybe a new cane or a test tube-- what do you think?" "You can start by paying her bill." "What bill?" "$48?" "!" "For what?" "!" "For your life, Max." "But she works for CONTROL." "She developed this on her own time, Max." "But this is ridiculous." "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of." "I'm not paying this bill!" "$48?" "That's out of the question!" "Forget about it!" "I wouldn't pay it if my life depended on it!" "It does, Max." "You have to take another dose of this tomorrow, and she has to give it to you if you're to complete your cure." "99... do you have $48 you could let me have until payday?" "( theme music playing )"