"Oh my God!" "I'm getting too old for this." "You'll never get old." "You just say that 'cause you love me." "It's true, I love you." "You know what?" "I'm happy." "Know why I'm happy?" " Umm..." "Yes, that." "And you and the kids and Christmas" "and everything." "Tell me you want a baby with me." " You know I do." "A love child." "Tell me you want a baby." "I want to have a baby with you." "Are you doing it again?" "Ah, Richard." "It's Christmas!" "That's true." "MESSY CHRISTMAS" "Morning, sweeties!" "Morning, Mommy." "You girls know what day it is?" "Christmas Eve." " Right." "And you know who is coming today?" " Santa Claus is coming today." "Right." "It's Christmas Eve and Santa Claus is coming." "You know who else is coming?" "When can I open my presents, Dad?" " When everybody else does." "Morning, Inge." " Morning, Inge." " Morning, Richard." "You were very loud." "If you want to show me that you don't care that I'm here, it's working." "May I go in the bathroom now?" "Yes, of course, Inge." "...an old stall was free for them." "There, she bore her child." "She named him Jesus." "Mary swaddled him and lay him in a manger." "But high above the stall..." "I do like your mother, but..." "Why does she come every year if she doesn't like it here?" "She wants to see her grandchildren and it's Christmas." "It would be so nice if the two of us..." " Hey!" "No peeking!" "...and the kids... just us." "The presents are ready." "Anything else?" "I'll open a bottle then." "Is there a competition, Sara?" "A goose devouring competition?" "Or will your mother eat a whole one by herself?" "Sara?" "You'll get your sausage and your potato salad." "We said one goose." "Who are the others for?" " It's a surprise." "But I don't like surprises." "The fathers of our children are coming to celebrate with us." "All of them?" " Yes." "Andi?" " And Erich and Gunnar." "And their new wives and children." " No." " And Eva." "Jan, it'll be fun!" "You call them now and cancel everything." "Say we're sick or dead or I don't care what." "Sara, please." "Merry Christmas." " Hello." "Richard, little man!" " Mom," "I grew three centimeters!" " I can't tell." "Merry Christmas." " You, too." "Welcome." "Come in, Daddy." "Hello!" " Yes, hand me..." "Nice of you to come." "Come in." "Merry Christmas." " And this is little Patrizia." "Sweet!" "Hello, Andi." "Hey, how are you?" "Gunnar!" " Can I give you this?" " Of course." "Hello!" "Hold this?" " Yes." " You know, I dream of my house a lot." "You mean my house?" " Let's say Sara's house." "Men are only ever guests in Sara's house, right?" "Emily!" "Nice that you're here." "Sara!" " Hello, Rita!" "Thanks for the invitation." "Nice of you to come." "Thanks for the gift." "Here..." "Suits you." "C'mere, sweetie." "I don't understand." " You don't?" "Woman plus man equals child." "Woman plus three men equals 3 children." "But this man plus this woman equal nothing." "I thought this was a Christmas party, not a rejected-husband harem!" "You know..." "Why don't you answer?" "They hung up." "Come little children..." "How is your father?" " He's dead." "Come to the manger..." "Yippee!" "Come, Aunt Anne! in Bethlehem's stall..." "Come, Emily." "Dance!" "Heavenly Father brought in the night!" "Why don't you want to?" "Come on, Dad!" "How is he doing in school?" " He got a B+ in German." "German?" "English is more important." " Mommy!" " Richard..." "Don't pull on it." "You'll stretch it out." "He just wants attention." " Why don't you give it to him?" "Are you happy?" " Yes." "And the other way!" " How's the sauna?" "I finished it." " Wow!" "Try this, it's delicious." " I know, I made that, too." "Oh!" "But you didn't make all the children, did you?" "Everybody join the polonaise!" "Let's go!" "Polonaise!" "Come!" " Come on!" "Polonaise." " Yeah, polonaise." "Mom, come on!" "Come on, Jan!" " Jan has more important things to do." "You only live once." "I know you're only doing this for me." " Yes." "I'm so happy with you." "I have never been so happy as I am with you." "Did you ever tell them that?" "Why don't you show them the sauna?" "None of them managed to finish it." " Andi already asked." "You could christen it." " Christmas in the sauna?" " Why not?" "No." "And it has to be heated anyway." "I already did." "85 degrees." "Anything else you've done and not told me today?" "Good luck in your new home!" "Oh, God!" "You know him?" " No, just "New house, new life."" "Touching." "Hello, sweetie." " Daddy!" " Merry Christmas." "Hey, Richard." "Hello." " Hello." "May I?" "You must be Jan. I've heard a lot about you." "Yes." "Me, too." "This is for you." "Here." " Thanks." " Hello." "I'm Jan. Welcome." " Hello, I'm Isabel." "Andi." "Andi is always like this when he's here." "It must be the house." "But don't worry." "Andi only wants to play." "This is for you." "Thank you." "Come in." " Thanks." " Erich!" "I didn't even notice who opened..." " You could have opened it yourself." "This is the famous Sara." "This is Isabel." " Hello, Isabel." "Hello, Sara." " No family here?" " Something like that." "Single." "No kids, no cats." "Thanks for having me." "Oh." " Isabe..." "Sorry." " Isabel is our new neighbor." " I hope that's okay." "Yes, of course..." "Nice to have you." "I'll have a look around." " Yes, of course." "Should we let you in on the family secrets?" "You're all related somehow, right?" " A poly-nuclear family structure." "Poly... what?" " "Many nuclei, one family."" "Johanna's godfather." " Thomas, sociologist." "The only man here who hasn't slept with Sara." "Why not, actually?" ""Never say never," right?" "Yes." "Well, I'm happy to be here today." "Here comes Gunnar, my brother." " My ex." "My brother." " Hello, Isabel." " I'm Johanna's godfather." "Yes, Eva used to be with Jan." "They were very briefly married." "It was terrible." "And their son, Richard, um... he doesn't live with them, he lives here with Jan... because he likes it better here." "Right?" "More mothers should be so selfless." " Yes!" "What good is a mother who sits around the house all day?" "One must set an example." "Richard, come and say hello!" "Richard!" "Why is he scuffing his feet?" " Let him." " He should stand straight." "Hi." " Hello." " Hey!" "Mom, I don't want you to be with this fat jerk." "Wait till he gets his present." "Children's affection can be bought." "Ouch!" "Hey..." " Richard!" "Leave my dad alone!" "Stop screaming." " Don't tell me what to do!" "Mommy, they're hitting me again!" " Johanna, stop it!" "Johanna!" "C'mere..." "Richard!" " Enough." "Richard, what's up?" "Listen up!" "Everybody listen!" "Jan has a surprise for you." "Let's play, Dad." "I'm coming." "Yes, well..." "Men, the great task that separates the wheat from the chaff;" "the boys from the men;" "the task you all failed..." "it is done!" ""Jan, hero of Scandinavian bathing culture!"" "My God!" "The stupid sauna is done?" "I cut the boards ten years ago!" " Yep." "It's ready and we're going in." " No way." "Yes, you're going in the sauna." " What?" "Now?" "You're not wanted." "We have women's work:" "Cooking, snotty noses to wipe, cleaning..." " No!" " To the sauna, men." "Guys!" "Here we go..." "Yeah!" "Great!" "The boards were cut well, it all fits." "Go down." " Why?" " Get down, let me sit on top." "Here." " It looks like a 70s basement." "Working through childhood traumas?" "Pounding in a couple of nails wasn't so bad..." " Come on." "I met the carpenters here last week." "A good manager knows how to delegate." "He lets others do the nailing for him!" "Sara made a wise choice." "Erich, you're looking kinda scrawny." "Did you join the joggers?" "I train a little." " For the next famine?" "So I won't be fat and flabby." "Erich, as long as we're not flabby when it counts!" "Daniel, come in." "Close the door." "The heat." "But it's really hot in here." " We're coming." "Go to Mommy." "But I want to stay here." "Fine, stay here." " But it's too hot!" " Damn it!" "Do what you feel like!" " You're supposed to play with me!" "Yes, our children..." "where would we be without them?" " Demographically speaking, we'd be doomed." "Jan, how did you manage not to have a kid with Sara yet?" "Maybe we can control ourselves?" " So why are you with her?" "If you want self-control, take Pauline, right, Erich?" "I can tell!" " I thought Sara only has to think about sex and she's pregnant." "But when she is pregnant..." "I remember when she was pregnant with Johanna... a wild animal!" "You know she's an animal anyway, but when she's pregnant..." "You know what she liked best?" "Fucking in the wardrobe!" "In my wardrobe?" " Yep." "Emily was conceived in a garage." "Do you guys know the story?" "Sara and Andi were waiting for the car to be fixed, when they lost their self-control and went for it on the car's hood." "They only noticed afterwards that the mechanic in the pit below was jerking off instead of changing the brake pads!" "What's so funny?" "The brake pads of the Golf 2." "They braked really well anyway." "Didn't you know that story?" "No." " Do you know about the first time?" "Andi made two discoveries in one day:" "That Sara had a hymen and a clitoris!" " You learn something new every day!" "We were fourteen or fifteen." "She was the first red cross in my diary." "Sara was not impressed." "She made him a big diagram of her primary targets." "I had it the wrong way up." " The diagram or Sara?" "Were you ever given a diagram?" " Hey, Rita is pretty damn fit... to look at her." "Yes, she is." "You know what's the best part?" "That you have no idea how fit Rita really is." "It's a great feeling, knowing none of you clowns has had her." " How do you know?" "How do you know Fit-Rita hasn't had one of us clowns?" "Not bad." " I've had enough, guys." "I'm going outside." " Me, too." "C'mon!" "C'mon!" " Go!" "Go!" "Go!" " Go now." "Get on with it." "Hey, Max." "Come quick." "Come!" "What is it?" " Look." "Oh!" "Noodles in the wind." "Super how they celebrate Christmas here." " Maybe we should wait before we visit." "Merry Christmas!" "..." "Man!" "No!" "Don't!" "No!" "Erich!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Let's get outta here." "Man!" "You always go too far!" " So cry, little brother!" "Come on!" "Hey, this isn't funny!" "Man!" " You pigs!" "We're freezing our butts off!" "Open the fucking door, damn it!" "I'm going to kill you!" "The snow will be crimson with your blood, you pigs!" "May I?" "Or is it boys only?" " I was going." "How long have you been in here?" "Dunno." " Solid." "If Andi had made this..." " Thanks, I'm fine." "If I don't get a drink, I'll die." "I won't tell a soul." "You got any cold beer down here?" " There's a draft." "Alright." "He'll tell everyone now." "Why do men always want all the attention?" " You're asking the wrong man." "Right." "You're one of the good ones." "Apropos!" "When is your baby coming?" " Who wants one?" "Sara doesn't want any more kids?" "For Sara pregnancy is like summer rain." "It happens when it happens." " I see." "I'm too old for a baby." "You don't have any say in it." "If she wants one, she'll have it." "Be a sport about it." " I am a very good sport." "You don't want any more." " I won't have any more!" "You're not ill, are you?" " No, I'm fine." "Are you infertile?" " I'm going." "You've been sterilized." " Bullshit!" "You coward!" "Who's a coward?" "It was a pragmatic decision." "A pragmatic decision for nothing!" "I'm not castrated, just tied." "Old parents are a genetic risk." "How noble!" "What does Sara say?" "I can't believe it!" "You are such a..." "Coward." "I couldn't ask!" "You know her!" "Sterilization is as good as child-murder to her!" " Hold on!" "You had it done after you already knew her?" "Don't say a word, is that clear?" "Since when does Sara talk with me?" "It's your problem, eunuch!" "A man's worth is not based on the function of his genitalia..." "What are you doing?" " Having a sauna." "Everyone else came up 30 minutes ago." " I'll be right there." "You can't stay here all night, you know?" " Yes." "You'll have a heart attack." "You alright, Jan?" "Your face is so red." "I was in the sauna with your Rita." "She is really fit." "It was so hot!" "I have to recover some lost liquids." "Would you say a few words?" "Please." "You're always so funny." " I don't find him funny at all." "I am the man of the house now, Andi." " Are you coming?" "I found a clove." " I bet Dad will give a speech now." "Which dad?" " Mine." " No, mine." " It doesn't matter!" "Speeches always suck." " When are the presents?" " Sweetie, we have to wait for Santa Claus." " How boring!" "Can we have fries?" " Monsters, it's Christmas, no complaining, okay?" " Yes, okay." "We're getting recorders." "Isn't this a great bunch?" " Sure." "If you like aging sex communes." " Mom!" "Well, that's all very interesting." "Dear family..." " Andi thinks he's a great speaker." "Dear family," "I call you that, although I am very happy not to be related to most of you." "Andi was Sara's third, he cheated on her and got Rita pregnant the same day." "Difficult times." "I think everyone here can sympathize." "What binds us together now are not dull conventions, no bad habits, no ties of blood, perhaps only memories of rage..." " Same day, same man..." " Same hospital, two babies." "Yes, yes." "What binds us together for the feast of love, that is..." "Love itself." "And that love is Sara." "We drink to her today." "Cheers!" "Oh!" "And of course to our Jan, her fourth husband." "And I thank you for the incredibly original and discreet commentary, also in my wife's name." " Cheers!" "Say something." "Something funny." " Cheers." "And to our wives, who put up with us although there are younger and prettier, cleverer, richer and even thinner ones." "How true!" "But none better." "Yes." "Well..." "Um..." "You all have been Sara's friends for years and only for that reason you are also my friends." "Welcome to our house." "Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas." "To even more children!" " Cheers!" "What?" "More children?" " We have so many already!" "Merry Christmas, children!" "I'll be grown up someday, fat bastard." " I heard that, my friend." " Merry Christmas, darling." " Dig in." "Bon appétit." "Jan, I have something to tell you." "I only found out yesterday and could hardly keep it to myself." "It is my Christmas gift to you." "A... wonderful gift." "We are having a love child." "Isn't that wonderful?" "A baby." "Oh, God!" "Another sister." "Well, I am thrilled, Sara." "I'm thrilled about the tyke." "How do you manage it every time?" " Congratulations, Sara." "Yeah..." "Jan is just shocked." "It..." "When I heard about..." "my first child, I was like that, too." "Funny way to show his joy." " Yes..." "He needs to let off steam, then he'll be back." "What can you do?" "Let's get started." "I'd like one, please." " Here you go." " Thanks." "Aren't you happy?" " Can't you tell?" "I'll get more wine for your guests." "These lovey-dovey couples always have problems." "Like one kid more makes any difference in this stall." "Depends on who was the stallion." " The stallion?" "I didn't say anything." " What?" "Jan isn't the father?" "I only know one thing:" "It wasn't Jan." "And he knows it." "Great!" "The Queen of Pregnancy is getting her comeuppance." "Your son lives with her." " Yes." "A boy can take that." "I didn't have a mother at all." "You know you aren't very nice?" " Yes." "My daily prayer, "Please don't let me be nice and dumb."" "You think I could survive Gunnar if I were nice?" "How does Jan know for sure?" "Was he tested?" "Come on!" "I didn't say anything..." "That's wicked." "Dear old Jan is up to his neck in it." "Silent night, holy night." "All is calm, all is bright." "Round yon Virgin Mother and Child..." "What did you tell Eva?" "What do you care about women?" "You're a eunuch." "If I were you, I'd want to know who it was." "I hope you understand that your husband is high on the list." "...sleep in heavenly peace." "Not yet." "Not yet." "Your turn." "Dear Mommy, dear Daddies, dear Grandma, now we will play something for you." "Merry Christmas." "Richard." "If it was Andi, the kid's in trouble." " If it was Gunnar, it's you." "You'll have a cuckoo in the nest, throwing the rest out." "You'd be lucky with Erich." "Sensitive, but sickly." " But the only sex addict here is your husband." "Did Sara tell you that?" "You know what?" "Even junkies take better stuff when they can get it." "Thanks." " Encore!" "That was fantastic!" " It brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it, Erich?" " I've never felt more superfluous than here." "I sang great, right?" "Sara is a wonderful mother." "...not a single mistake." "You were really good." "Mom..." "You can smoke in there if you want." "It's fine." "Wasn't it beautiful how the children sang together?" "Your husband doesn't want the baby." "Of course he wants the baby." "He loves me." "He's just confused." "He's a psychologist." " He'll be fine." "Once the others are gone and we're alone..." " Is it his?" "You've had a lot of men." "I've had exactly four men." "One at a time." "And I married all of them." " Yes." "Now they're all in your house, singing and emptying your fridge." "If I were him, it'd be too much for me." " You don't understand." "I do!" "You always want everything." "All your men, all the children and now another baby!" " Exactly!" "Mom, children are the best thing in the world." "What are you doing?" " I'm tidying up." "That's my dad's coat." " He hung it up untidily." "That's my dad's calendar." " Yes, it fell out of his pocket." "Daniel?" "What are you doing?" "Mommy, Uncle Jan is stealing." "Daniel!" " Andi's coat fell down and his cal..." "Don't look at me like that." "You should teach your son not to spy on people." "Come on, sweetie." " Hello." "Hello." " Hello." " Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas." "We're your new neighbors, Max and Helena." " And Josephine." " Yes." "Your wife invited us to come over." " Right." "My wife is very giving." "Yes." " Come in." "Welcome." "Hello." "Helena." " I'm Jan." "We brought a little something." "So!" "A glass of champagne..." "And a beer for Gunnar!" " Look!" "..." "Our cat, Otto..." "Thanks." "...he's striped like this." "Black and gray?" "...he's gotten so fat, that he has to go on a diet so he can walk again." "Thank you." "Everything is so wonderfully decorated." "I wouldn't have the time." "If you have a family, you have to do everything to make them happy, right, Sara?" "Coffee?" " It gets easier." "You even stop asking who and how it happened." "I would adopt." " It's not yours." "We don't live in the stone age." "It's not about genes, it's about love." "Love for a child." " Can't you have children?" " I can." "But I find it totally selfish to have a child knowing how many are suffering." "So I'm selfish?" " Yes, but don't take it personally." "It's about love, between a man and a woman, then you want a child." "Not to save the world." "Dragging children around the world." "Playing the good Samaritan..." "How noble!" "Show the world how tolerant you are!" ""Look!" "My child isn't even white!" "I am cool and multi-cultural!"" "You think one of those people would adopt a handicapped child?" "No, the love stops there." "But an exotic, colored child as a fashion accessory, then they say, "Wow!" "I am such a noble, noble human being!"" "Do you know what I see?" " Sara?" " I see a sad, pathetic, sterile couple with a purchased baby and purchased feelings." "It has nothing to do with love..." "Our new neighbors." "Helena and Max." " We just wanted to say Merry Christmas." "Yes!" "Merry Christmas!" "She is so cute!" "Well, Merry Christmas." "Thank you." "Where is she from?" " Kenya." " Ah, Africa." "Nice that..." "We have to go." " Please stay." " Merry Christmas." "There's plenty to eat for everyone..." " Some other time." "Good job, Sara." " I only said that the baby is cute." "Did I miss something?" "Whoa!" "What a monster!" " Where did the palm tree come from?" "I want my cactus back!" " Helena, please!" "She has to apologize!" "And I'm reporting her to the police!" " What for?" "Racism and torturing the handicapped." "Josephine isn't handicapped." " She said we are!" " My semen is perfect." "It was tested." "What are you doing?" " What does it look like?" "You're leaving us alone next to them?" "I can't... can you help?" "Thanks." "It won't take long." "It's all nearby." "She has to apologize." "And my cactus isn't staying there." "Understood?" "Yes." "I do everything wrong." "It wasn't that bad." "And nobody appreciates my Christmas dinner." "Of course." "And you're not happy about the baby." "Don't you want the baby?" "It's not that simple." " Answer me!" "Do you want the baby?" "I..." "No." "I... don't want any more kids." "What?" "I'm sorry." " This morning you told me you wanted a child with me." " Yes." " You said it this morning!" "That was more... symbolic." "Symbolic?" " Yes, symbolic." "Like..." "When someone says, "You're the most beautiful woman in the world,"" "or, "I can't live without you." They don't mean it literally." "What do you mean "literally"?" "Why are you here if you don't like children?" "I like kids." "I drive them to kindergarten, our children." "And to hockey, basketball, volleyball, horse riding, and flute lessons and..." " Drama club." "Yes, that, too." "Drama club." "I do everything for our kids." " That's true." "And why don't you want our child then?" "Huh?" "Because..." "Because?" "Because..." "Maybe I'm a bad father." "Andi, could you get me another beer?" " What?" "Again?" "What's up?" "Everyone can see it." "I can't." "What is it?" "Does he have someone else?" " He gets calls all the time." "But when I'm around, he won't answer." "Shit." "How about Jan's performance in there?" "Pretty weird, right?" "Not when you know the inside story." " What inside story?" "Did they fight?" "Not a fight." "More like you two." "How do you know?" " I can't tell you." "Just this:" "Big Jan is a little tiny weenie." "I'm going to kill her." "Whom?" "Don't you get it?" "Erich!" "The baby!" "It's Sara!" "When he visits Liselotte!" "Jan can't manage anymore, so Sara uses her resources!" "Erich has always pined for the monster!" "Can I help you?" " No thanks." "I'll manage." "Having fun?" " Yes." "Tons." "You'll never grow up." "Looking for patients?" " When are you going to do her?" "I think the bedroom is free." "You know every spring in the mattress." "It's like homecoming." "Don't tell me you're passing up this chance." "Are you on drugs?" " I'm reading you." "It's my job." "Oh yeah?" "And you earn money doing that?" " Buckets of it." "For example, you know what I was thinking during your speech?" "I thought you were telling the truth." " Yes, sure." "About Sara and love and all that." "You're a really good friend." " Yes." "Go open the door or you'll cry again when I do." "Ho, ho, ho!" "Any good children here?" "No." "No good children?" " No." "Sorry." "Wrong house..." " That'll be it." "Who was that?" " Santa Claus." "Halt!" "Come back, Santa!" "The children are waiting for you." "Hello." "Merry Christmas." "Santa, the presents are there." "This is Jan." "Jan, this is Santa." "Hello." " Hello." " I got him from an agency." "Great." "So children, shall we see what I've brought from the North Pole?" "Yes!" "What did you wish for?" " Lego!" " Animals!" " A laptop!" "That Mom leaves fatty and that Dad and Sara stop doing it in the wardrobe." "I'm sure you wished for something else." " I already told you." "Let's get started." "Daniel..." "That's me." " Merry Christmas from Mommy and Daddy." "Come on." "Wow!" " Hey!" "The helicopter I wanted!" " What's wrong?" "How're things in construction?" "Fine." "How's the brainwashing going?" ""For Liselotte."" "Merry Christmas from Mommy and Daddy." "Will Johanna be happy?" " Maybe they'll help unwrap it." "Next..." "Emily!" "Merry Christmas." "Do I get a present, too?" " Something wrong with your eyes?" "You haven't visited Johanna here so often lately." "Maybe you come when I'm not here." "What?" " I only saw you a couple of times all autumn." "True." "You're hardly ever here when I am." " That's what I mean." "Is that a problem?" " I'm a psychologist, I don't have problems, I solve them." "That's a good one!" "Not bad!" "Oh, skates!" " Super!" " I hope they fit." " Yes." "Can you get a trash bag?" " Yes." " You know where they are." "They are nice!" " Do you know what I..." "Cheers, Santa." " Thanks." "What idiot hid the trash bags?" "Do you have something to tell me?" "What a mess!" "The vacuum cleaner bags go here!" "How long have you been seeing Sara?" "What do you mean?" " Don't treat me like an idiot!" "That's the least you can do!" "If you want to know something, ask." "Mommy, it's so nice!" "Is this right?" " Sara, it's backwards..." " What's up with you?" "Emily!" "Emily, take it off again." "Jan, I'm talking to you." " This is for Richard." "Dad!" "I'm getting my present!" "Merry Christmas!" " Are you mental?" " Gunnar, slow down, alright?" "Your heart..." " I want to see it!" "That's a big present, Richard." "May I?" "Thanks." "What's with him?" " Our little Jan has big problems." "We have to be very nice to him." "Why?" " He had himself sterilized!" "A laptop!" "Look!" "A laptop!" " Oh, wow!" "Thank Gunnar." " Fatty bought it for me?" " Yes, you little pisser." "Fatty bought you your dream present." "Isn't that mean?" " Thanks." "Now he loves me." "All the men in this family are weaklings." "Ow!" "Are you crazy?" " Calm down!" "Calm down now." "I'll be calm when I want to!" " This is the wrong way." "Sit down and shut up!" "Did she seduce you?" " Yes, she did." "I knew it!" "I am so relieved that you could be honest, Erich." "I am so confused." "And so relieved that it's out..." "And she seduced you?" " Yes. 14 years ago." "You pig!" "Peace on earth!" "May I get past you?" "What are you doing with that?" " None of your business... my wife..." "Put it down!" "Actually, my mother raised..." " Out!" "Open the door!" "Helena!" "Open the damn door!" "Honey, I'm cold!" "It's freezing out here!" "You're drunk." "Go get my cactus!" "I tried!" "Honestly!" "Really!" "Helena!" "I'm Santa Claus, damn it!" "Did you have a nice time?" " Yes." "You sang so well!" "So." "Grandma is off to bed." " But there's still the soup." "No one will miss me." " But Mom!" "We both know it's true." "And that's just fine." "Good night." "Night, sweetie." " Good night, Grandma." "Night." "Hey!" "You like it?" "Let's get you to bed." "Night, my man." " Good night." "Um... you have experience with unusual women..." "Um..." "I thought you were the psychologist." "I only see the normal ones who don't like themselves." "Make me an appointment." " Say..." "Um..." "Have you been seeing Sara recently?" "Because I'm the only one who hasn't slept with her?" "No." "Just wondering." " Yes." "What do you mean?" "Something new is always more exciting." "You should know." "Did she say she wants to become intimate with me?" " Of course not." "Pity..." "But if she ever does..." "Pauline, hey..." " How can you take it?" "Take what?" "That Sara and..." "What?" "What?" "That Sara..." "...and?" "...and Erich..." "I can't stand the thought!" "Excuse me?" "Since when?" "It's been going on for months." "Months?" "I didn't know he was cheating with Sara of all people!" "So tasteless!" "I miss him so much!" "...monogamous relationships are based on people's fear of getting old." "I bet you think we're all very immature, right?" "Must I answer?" "No, we don't have to talk." "But we'll be talking." "After, at home." " Of course, dear." "Hot soup!" " Sara's goulash!" "Erich..." "No, I'm training." "You can't train what you ain't got!" " Gunnar, please!" "Can I stay with you all?" " Richard, don't you want to play with your sister?" " I'm not related to her." "Richard, you know..." " Richard, my poor Ione wolf." "Let's go to your room." " You always take her side." "Let's go howl at the moon." "The poor, neglected child." "What did you say?" "No one is neglected here." "It's not easy being there for them all with so many." " It's simple actually." "You have to empathize." "Richard did look sad." "So do something." "Don't just lecture me." "Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the atmosphere." " It's okay." "I admire that you are raising them under such unstable conditions." "What do you mean unstable?" " Honestly?" "Everything." "It is..." "more like a fluctuating balance." "Or an extended family with sex." "They all seem okay on the surface, but I think insisting on having all these children..." "Insisting?" " Yes." "Children are... a special responsibility, and your relationships all fail..." "You act like it's Noah's Ark here, but they're just orphans of failed marriages and divorces." "I love my children." "What was Noah's wife's name?" " Didn't you say before that biological parents don't matter?" "You're at the right Christmas party." "What?" "Our child is our child!" " I know." "Whore!" "What are you doing?" "Be yourself again!" "Be my clever, strong, funny husband!" "Please don't hug me." "Should I get an abortion?" " It's none of my business!" " Are you insane?" "You think I don't know what's going on?" "What do you know?" " It's clear you're hiding something!" "Just like you hid losing your virginity to Andi!" " It's not important!" "You never told me about your first time!" " Lotta!" "Class trip to Amsterdam!" "We all chipped in!" "Alright?" "Well..." "Whose baby is it?" "Which of these clowns did it?" "What are you talking about?" " Tell me the truth!" "You cheated on me!" " What?" " Yes!" "Admit it!" "How on earth..." "Can you prove it?" "You want proof?" "So there is proof!" "Admit it!" " You're crazy!" " Is it Erich's?" "Or Andi's?" "Or Gunnar's?" "Just say, "It is from Gunnar," say it!" "Say something!" "That's it!" "You don't know whose it is!" "Be honest!" "You do it with everyone when I'm not here!" "I'm not even worth that much to you!" "You cheat and can't even be honest!" "Fine, Jan. I'll tell you." "Just be honest." "I can handle it." "I never ever cheated." "Not one single time." "Not in word, not indeed, not even in my thoughts." "I have been faithful to you." "You can ask anyone here." "I don't want to see you anymore!" " You don't want to see me?" "Get out of my house!" "Get out!" "It's my house, too!" " Out!" "You're insane!" "This is your guilty conscience talking!" "Cookies!" "Rita made them herself." " Yes." "Thanks." "Oh, my darling..." "Give me a hug." " Cookie?" "Cookie?" "Rita baked them." "Cookie?" "Rita baked them herself." "Another drop?" "You drink too much." "What's it like when all the men want you?" "They're only men." "And if it were women?" "Then..." "Then that would be a funny feeling." "Where?" "Where?" "Here?" "Or here?" "Or here?" "Gunnar, you're still gonna drive?" " Yeah, of course!" "I can fit a lot of booze into me!" " Right!" "I have to come in." " Maybe next year." "Hey, come on!" "Just one!" "Hey!" "You okay, buddy?" " So, dear children... 'scuse me." "Ouch!" "Show me." "Poor big Sara." "I'm not dead yet, alright?" "Jan!" " Jan." "What are you doing?" " Shameless!" "Whore." "At Christmas!" "Be reasonable, Jan." " Oh, I am." "Daddy!" " Kids, go to bed!" "You're the most beautiful woman in the world." "Look who's here." " God, is she drunk." "You wanna make both of us happy?" "You're drunk." "Let's go home." "Only if we take Isabel with us!" "Yes, please!" " Please, please!" " I need fresh air." "Bad news in the papers?" "That is my suitcase!" "Stay right there..." "Hey, hey!" "It's my car!" " Your house, your wife, your kids..." "No." "Just my car." "Everything else was my imagination." "Over." "Done with." "Hocus-pocus!" "The damn key!" "Where is that damn key?" "Shit." "There it is..." "Where are you going?" " I'll know when I get there." "They always rode back there." "The whole bunch." "Every morning..." "Every morning on the way to school." "It's all over now." "Rubbish." "They'll be back there tomorrow." " Tomorrow is a holiday." "How could she?" "With Erich!" "No way." " But I saw them." "What did you see?" " Kissing." "You get kids from kissing?" "Then I'm in for it tonight." "With Sara?" "Sure." "We'll take her, too." "The baby is yours?" "If it's a boy, we'll name him Jan." "Silent night, holy night..." "Are you happy with your presents?" " Daddy took a suitcase." "All parents fight." "It doesn't mean they don't love each other or have to get divorced or something." "You got divorced from my daddy." " From mine, too." " And from mine." "...holy infant so tender and mild..." "Sleep in heavenly peace..." "Does Sara Meinold live here?" "Sleep in heavenly peace." "What do you want from her?" "There's no humanity in the world anymore!" "I've been treated unjustly!" "Excuse me." "Who are you?" " Carina!" "Carina Schmitz!" "I know you from the tennis club." " My husband... left me today." "Christmas!" "What do you have to say?" " You're cheating with her?" "No." " Don't lie!" "You sleep with my husband." " Pauline, no." "Can we talk outside?" "Isn't Sara enough for you!" "Erich!" "Do you need a harem?" " I never thought you could fuck so much" "I am not fucking Sara or Carina!" " Oh yeah?" "That would take the cake!" "Not me!" "No?" " No." " I want my husband back, Erich." "I will fight for him." "You should know that." "Stop it." "You can't stop him." "I love Bernd and Bernd loves me." "I only fuck men now, alright?" "Alright." "I'm sorry." "You are totally sick." "You're too fat." "Don't get your hopes up." "We train together." "So romantic!" "So Erich is out of the picture." "Right, Jan?" "I was in the sauna with you!" " Promise to stay out next time?" "You could have told us." "Please, Sara, whose baby is it?" "Jan, is there something that you want to tell us?" " Yes, why isn't it yours?" "Jan?" "He hasn't got any balls now..." "You told everyone, didn't you?" " I did not!" "Anne, tell him I didn't tell you anything." "What are you talking about?" "You..." "You were sterilized?" "And you all knew?" " We only heard today." "I was the last to know... except for you, of course." "No, I don't believe it." "It's more of your psycho tricks to find out if I was faithful." "Admit it's not true." "My life, my decision." "And me?" "Sorry." "I didn't want to tell you like this." "Every month, I asked myself why I wasn't getting pregnant." "You can't do this to me." " Yes." "But I did it." "I wanted your child so very much." " We have enough children." "You decided alone that I shouldn't have more children." "Do you think you're God?" "How could you?" "Yes, how could you?" "Mom!" " What's up?" "I can't take it!" "There, there..." "Jan never wanted a child with me." "So, we're going home now." "Stay where you are!" "I want you all to swear that it wasn't you!" "Understand?" "Swear?" " Yes." "Stand up." "Raise your hands and repeat after me." " Got a Bible?" "Raise your right hand and swear." "Stand up!" "Now!" "Not you!" "The others!" "What is stopping you?" " Come on." "Stand up." " C'mon, let's do him the favor." " Stand up!" "Get on with it!" "Repeat after me..." " I'll be right back." "Repeat after me..." "We hereby swear..." " We hereby swear..." " We hereby swear." "...that we haven't fucked Sara Meinold." "But we all have!" " I mean now." "Fucked her now!" "You mean recently." " Yes!" "Say it!" "That we haven't fucked Sara Meinold." "Recently." " Yes." " I never have actually." "We talked about it." "So who was it?" "Hey, Santa!" "You have to apologize." " What should my wife apologize for?" " Our baby." "Hey, how do you know Sara?" "I'm not telling!" " What's going on?" " Listen!" "I know you." "I..." "You..." "I..." "It was you!" "It was you!" "You even fucked Santa Claus!" "You!" "Please stop it!" "You're crushing me!" "Stop it!" "Jan!" "Stop!" "I was artificially inseminated!" "What?" "I was artificially inseminated." "More and more time was passing." "We tried for two years and nothing happened..." "I thought you'd be depressed that everyone but you had a baby with me." "Nothing about you ever depressed me." "I had to have a child with you because I love you so much." "I don't need a baby to know you love me." "You won't be having one either." "Oh, my baby..." "Sweetie, what did they do to you?" "Did you get hurt?" "Do you know who the father is?" "London Sperm Bank." "London..." "London is okay." "You think?" "Yes." "The paper towels are finished." "Come little children," "Oh come one and all," "Come to the manger," "In Bethlehem's stall." "And see what has come on this holiest of nights..." "Come and visit." "Our place is great." " I'm coming." " With a balcony." "You can take our cat, right?" " Of course." "They'll take the cat." "I've been stammering ever since I got pregnant." " It's the hormones." "Go!" "Drink?" " Yes." "Are you hungry?" " Yes." "...you can't just dismiss being in love." "You went to Jamaica?" " For four weeks." " Great." " So nice." "I really want to go to Jamaica." " First we're going to Rio." "I wouldn't go to the tourist parts, I prefer to go where the locals go." "But not with children, right?" " They all have children!" "To Mama?" " C'mere..." "Mama is the best." "Dear family..." " Andi thinks he's a great speaker." "Dear family." "I call you that although I am very happy not to be related to most of you." "So Andi was Sara's third husband..." " Bernd knows the story." "I think most of you would agree." "What binds us together now are not dull conventions, no bad habits or ties of blood." "Perhaps only memories of rage in some of our heads." "Oh, yes..." " We had that again last year." "Welcome to the club," "Jan!" "What binds us together for the feast of love is love itself." "And we call that love..." "...Sara!" "Yes, Sara." "My Sara." "And there's Andi, giving his speech again." "I invited them all this year." "Sara wanted to celebrate alone, with the children, of course..." "But once you're used to these lunatics, it's hard to do without them." "Merry Christmas." "Directed by" "BASED ON THE SCRIPT OF THE SWEDISH FILM "IN BED WITH SANTA"" "Subtitles Jeffrey A. McGuire" "Film und Video Untertitelung Gerhard Lehmann AG"