"( theme song playing )" "* *" "LeBEAU:" "Close up the ranks." "We've got work to do." "Close up the ranks." "Come on, let's close up the ranks." "Come, let's close up the ranks." "Guten Tag." "( horse neighing )" "Guten Tag, Mein Herr." "What are you doing here?" "SCHULTZ:" "We are baking a cake." "What do you think we are doing here?" "What are you doing here?" "MAN:" "I'm just on my way to the market, selling the hay." "SCHULTZ:" "Oh." "You spend too much money on war." "If you know how to conquer the world cheaper, write to Hitler." "( laughing )" "That's telling him, huh?" "( laughing )" "That's a good one." "You have to remember that." "That's a good one." "I enjoyed it." "Colonel Hogan, there's one more prisoner than before." "Count them again, Schultz." "But I did already, twice." "There's one man extra." "That's impossible." "You must have made a mistake when you counted them on the way out." "Yeah?" "You think so?" "Yeah." "Come on, fellas." "But wait a minute, Colonel Hogan." "It couldn't be." "Sure, it could." "Did you ever hear of anybody sneaking into a P.O.W. camp?" "Doesn't look so special." "What are they?" "A building material of some kind." "That's my guess." "No, zinc oxide, with a high percentage of uranium." "What's uranium?" "Sounds like a country in the Balkans." "It's used in atomic research." "Ja." "The Germans found deposits of uranium in the occupied countries and they had tons of it made into these blocks to be hidden away." "Those bloody Krauts." "They're always keeping busy, aren't they?" "MAN:" "Now London needs this for analysis, and they also want to know where the Germans are hiding the stuff." "Do you have the locations?" "22 of them..." "here." "And if it's important enough, they'll send a plane to pick you up." "Maybe tonight." "BAKER:" "Not tonight they won't." "London just finished transmitting." "There's a big weather front moving in." "Everything grounded for at least 48 hours." "Well, Hercules, you and your little friend here, may as well make yourselves comfortable." "" ...and effective immediately," ""all military establishments on the home front" ""will give senior noncommissioned officers" ""command training" ""with full responsibility and authority."" "There it is." "Hmm..." "I can't believe this." "This order is insane, absolutely insane." "It is signed, "Adolf Hitler."" "Insane, yet sane." "Excuse me, General." "What does it mean?" "All Luft Stalags will begin command training at once." "Now, who is your senior noncommissioned officer?" "General Burkhalter, I don't know how to tell you this." "I can't say it." "You're in a lot of trouble." "Ja, lot of trouble." "Do you expect me to turn over command of the most escape-proof P.O.W. camp in all of Germany to him?" "It is so ordered by the Fuhrer." "General, perhaps he didn't feel so well on that day." "Could you ask him to change his mind?" "Schultz will assume command at once." "Klink, you will act as advisor." "Hmm... how can I advise a man who is asleep on his feet most of the time?" "I need a lot of rest." "He even sleeps on guard duty." "It wouldn't surprise me if someone came along and threw a horse blanket over him." "You'll do it, Schultz." "Excuse me, General, but I'm only a sergeant." "Who should be a private... in somebody else's army." "There is no choice in this matter." "General Burkhalter, I request permission to write to the Fuhrer directly, asking him to rescind this order." "Denied." "I should have that right, sir." "I'm a highly efficient, well-trained officer." "And I have made a valuable contribution to our war effort." "Contribution?" "Klink!" "Single-handed, you cut the thousand-year Reich down to a mere six months." "In fact, we may not last until Christmas." "Congratulations there, Kommandant." "Oh, Colonel Hogan, I'm afraid." "I don't know how to command." "Oh, there's nothing to it, Schultz." "You come on strong, act big." "Bigger than I am?" "Well, let's not get into science fiction." "Look, Schultz..." "what are you worried about?" "I am not an officer like Klink." "Go on-- you're twice the man he is." "Maybe three times." "Suppose the prisoners disobey my orders?" "I'll guarantee they'll obey." "Schultz, don't you realize sergeants run every army?" "They do?" "Of course." "You know all the details of the military operation." "You have all the information." "I have?" "Now is your chance to use that special knowledge." "You're right, Colonel Hogan." "But I'm afraid I can't." "Schultz, remember the children's story about the train that came to the big hill and was afraid?" "The train said, "I think I can," "I think I can, I think I can."" "And when it got halfway up, it said, "I know I can, I know I can I know I can."" "Beautiful." "But I'm not a train." "You'll do until one comes along." "Prisoners, achtung!" "Report!" "All present and accounted for, Herr Kommandant." "Carry on..." "Herr Kommandant." "Danke, Herr former Kommandant." "Let's hear it for bloody old Schultz." "( cheering )" "Silence!" "The next man who opens his mouth will get three days in the cooler." "Any questions?" "Commandant Schultz, I have a question, sir." "Put your arm down." "Forget it." "But you asked for questions." "I didn't mean it." "You will learn in time." "Now, attention..." "Prisoners, I am your new Kommandant." "In case you have any idea of escaping, forget it!" "I've ordered the patrols outside the gate to be doubled with orders to shoot to kill!" "Now... attention!" "Dismissed!" "Dismissed!" "Not bad." "How about that?" "Our own private Kraut has turned on us." "It will be a cold day when I give him any more strudel." "He's a hard case under all that blubber." "Colonel, he's ordered patrols out there." "That means we can't use the tunnels." "What about Hercules?" "London's sending a plane for him tonight." "How do we get him out of camp?" "We don't." "He's right, sir." "We haven't got a chance." "Wait a minute." "Hold it, hold it." "You guys give up too easily." "Let me figure something here." "How about... how about using Schnitzer and the dog trucks?" "That's a good idea." "All right." "It might just work." "All right, Baker, contact the underground." "Tell them to get in touch with Schnitzer." "Will do." "We'll coordinate it with the courier plane." "There's more than one way around a Schultz." "No matter which route you take, it's a long trip." "We'll take you out through this tunnel here." "You'll surface under a doghouse, we raise it, and you're just a couple feet from the truck." "Don't worry about the dogs, we feed them, they're tame." "Colonel, thank you for your help." "Hercules, if you're ever in this neighborhood again, forget it." "Carter, he's here, stand by." "Schnitzer's here, stand by." "You don't have to shout it out at the top of your voice, do ya?" "Schnitzer." "Schultz, what's wrong?" "Stay in the truck." "My men will unload the dogs." "Mach schnell." "They're unloading in the middle of the compound." "It's fouled up!" "Schultz has stopped the truck!" "It's gone bad, sir." "Schultz has stopped the truck in the middle of the compound." "They're unloading it." "That tub of lard is going to put us out of business." "All right, Newkirk, scrub the escape." "Tell them to close the trap." "Right away, sir." "Baker, try to make contact with the plane on the radio." "Will do." "Hercules, I'm sorry, you're going to have to stay a little bit longer." "No charge for the room." "Papa Bear to Cannonball, Papa Bear to Cannonball." "Condition red." "Package not ready." "Return to base." "Repeat, return to base." "Jawohl, General Burkhalter." "Of course." "Jawohl." "Ja, I checked that." "Ho-ho, of course I checked it." "Ja." "Achtung!" "How's it going, Schultzy, all right?" "It is customary to rise when a commandant of a Luft Stalag enters, and to call the commandant, Kommandant." "Do us a favor, it's only us." "Remember me?" "I'm your strudel connection." "On your feet!" "Put them on report!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Now, do we understand?" "Sure, we understand." "You're heating up the war, Kommandant." "What are you doing here!" "Get out of here!" "Get out!" "He's everywhere at once." "No matter what we do, we run up against that big wall of flab." "He's turned into a flipping Frankenstein, that's what he is." "No, Schultz is taller, and a lot heavier." "There's only one consolation:" "he'll be back to sergeant in less than a week." "That's the trouble, he might not be." "What?" "Krauts need officers on the fighting front." "This could be Hitler's way of breaking the news." "Schultz?" "A commandant permanently?" "A possibility, unless we do something about it." "Like what?" "Discredit him." "Put the pressure on." "Make him look bad." "It's just not possible." "With a little bit of help, it might be." "Help from who?" "Help from the one man who has more to lose than we do, his miserable life." "Hitler would never do a thing like that." "No?" "Every morning his horoscope reads," ""Today would be a good day to send officers to the Russian front."" "I can't believe it." "Just outside Stalingrad, there's an igloo with your name on it." "General Burkhalter would have told me." "Maybe he doesn't know." "They need generals at the Russian front, too." "I never thought this would happen to me." "Yeah, that's war." "You might as well just relax." "There's nothing you can do about it now." "Unless..." "Unless what?" "Unless there were a crisis, an escape," "Schultz went all to pieces." "Aha." "That would prove that Schultz could not command this camp." "Brilliant, brilliant." "I don't know how you come up with these ideas." "It's amazing." "Wait a minute." "You just said an escape." "It would mean pulling the patrols out of the woods, sir." "Does that mean that you and your men would be willing to help?" "That's why I'm here." "He's pushing us around, too." "( chuckles ):" "Hogan, you must think I'm an awful dummy." "Well, let's not get into that now, sir." "Trying to use me in this crisis for your miserable escape plans." "Suppose I gave you my word as an officer, there'll be no escape?" "I wonder if you really mean that." "Maybe you'd like some time to think it over, sir." "You can always write to me." "There's still mail service by way of Minsk." "All right." "Now, we've got to plan this very carefully." "Yes, yes." "First, pull the patrols out of the woods." "Me?" "I couldn't even do that without Schultz's approval." "Tell him it's by order of the commandant." "Oh, this is so degrading." "Having to relay orders of a man like that." "Honestly, I could cry." "I wouldn't do that, sir." "What good is a rusty monocle?" "LeBEAU:" "He's really calling them off, Colonel." "NEWKIRK:" "He means business." "That's right!" "Baker, get London on the radio." "Ask them to send the plane for Hercules tonight, if possible." "Will do." "Newkirk, LeBeau, take him out to the emergency tunnel and into the pickup point." "Oui, Colonel." "I hope it works this time." "If it doesn't, we're in a lot of trouble." "The nice thing about that, we'd have company." "Report!" "Herr Kommandant... an emergency." "Two prisoners are missing." "What?" "Count them again." "I did, three times." "There's no question, they are gone." "Prisoners Newkirk and LeBeau." "Prisoners!" "Achtung!" "Prisoners are missing." "Where are they?" "!" "Who is hiding them?" "!" "Two prisoners missing?" "Let's find them, fellas." "Two prisoners missing." "They've got to be here somewhere." "Prisoners are missing." "Keep looking." "Lose something?" "Two prisoners." "But don't worry, we will find them." "Mm-hmm." "In the meantime, I will have to report it to General Burkhalter..." "Herr Kommandant." "There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13," "Herr General." "And I promise you we will find these men no matter how long it takes." "How?" "I have no idea." "You don't exactly fill me with confidence, Schultz." "Me either." "What procedure do you have in mind?" "Well... ( chuckles ):" "first I will..." "No, I can't do that." "Ah, and then I will ask him, uh..." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "( laughs )" "He won't answer." "Of course," "I could... uh..." "That sounds brilliant." "I like it." "What do you know about this escape, Hogan?" "Yes, what do you know about this escape, Hogan?" "HOGAN:" "Absolutely nothing." "We didn't even discuss it at our last escape committee meeting." "We have ways and means of making you talk." "Unpleasant ways." "You've been watching captured American movies again." "Schultz." "I regret" "I must relieve you of command." "Aha!" "You will resume your duties as Senior Sergeant, and you will again take over full command." "Jawohl, Herr General." "I will get those men back, I promise you, and quickly." "I will hold you to that." "Keep me informed." "Well... these prisoners... ( groans )" "Shut up." "Close, but no cigar, Schultz." "And now, Herr Kommandant..." "Achtung, right there." "Come on, Colonel, take it easy on him." "Silence." "We will now divest you of your badges of rank." "I think he's trying to tell you something, Schultz." "( grunts )" "And now, the helmet." "There." "That's more like the Sergeant Schultz we all know, and love." "Kommandant, I was just following orders and advice." "Ja." "And now, you will follow more orders." "Orders of mine." "You will walk a post for 12 hours a day until further notice." "And no more leaves for the next five years." "The war won't last that long." "We'll extend it if necessary." "I hate to be responsible for a longer war." "You are already." "Yes, Herr Kommandant." "There." "This chair feels good again." "( creaking )" "One spring is broken." "And we know the man capable of breaking it, don't we?" "It will be on your bill." "In addition to the following items." "14 of my best cigars, three bottles of red wine, four bottles of champagne, and one-half pound of caviar." "What, were you making pattycakes with it?" "KLINK:" "Your total bill, Herr Kommandant, is 842 marks and ten fennigs." "I will pay it back, sir." "If you live that long." "I will try, sir." "All right, Sergeant Schultz." "Post yourself outside this door and guard it." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Now, Hogan, I promised General Burkhalter" "I would find those escaped prisoners." "Where are they?" "Before we talk about that, aren't you being a little rough on Sergeant Schultz?" "That's none of your business." "Well, it would help me to remember where the prisoners are, if you only gave him four hours guard duty a day." "Impossible." "And if he was eligible for leave again in a year." "Out of the question." "And if you didn't charge him full price for the wine, cigars and caviar." "Request denied." "Now, where are those prisoners?" "Request denied." "Unless..." "Come on, Commandant." "He was only doing his duty." "What do you say, is it a deal?" "All right, I have no choice." "Thanks." "Now, where are those prisoners?" "Don't worry, they'll turn up." "Hogan." "Have I ever failed you before?" "See you later, Mr. Lucky." "(German accent):" "Colonel Klink, I cannot give you my name." "Just say I am a friend of Stalag 13." "I am at the hauselhorf in Hammelburg." "There are two strange men hanging around." "That's all I can tell you." "Heil Hitler." "Amusing, amusing..." "Mm." "Uh, Louis, I believe our ride home's arrived." "I guess we'd better make it look good." "That's a marvelous idea." "Ta-ta." "Thanks, you've been darling." "Take care." "Au revoir." "( mumbling )" "( accordion music plays in the background )" "Stay where you are." "Nobody move." "Stay where you are." "Nobody move." "Schultz, what are you doing?" "You're liable to hurt somebody." "Now give me that thing before you do any damage." "( rapid gunfire )" "( glass breaking )" "See, Schultz?" "That's how you handle a machine gun." "LeBEAU:" "Come on." "Come on." "Don't shoot." "BOTH:" "Don't shoot." "I give up." "I give up, too." "Ah, there you are." "Take them away." "Colonel, you've done a thousand marks worth of damage." "Schultz." "You allowed those prisoners to escape." "You pay." "A thousand marks?" "Mm-hmm." "Next time you're a commandant, Schultz, you better shop around for a cheaper war." "And I demand to know how those two men got out of the camp." "Well, I guess you'll find out anyway." "But you won't believe it." "How did they escape?" "Pole-vaulted over the wire." "( laughs )" "I don't believe it." "Neither do I." "See, I told you, but that's how they did it." "All right, prove it to me." "Where's the pole?" "Satisfied?" "You know, I used to pole-vault when I went to school." "That fence seems a little high." "That's how they did it." "See for yourself." "( crashing and thudding )"