"[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo." "Please put your hands together and welcome on stage" "Dara O'Briain." "Lovely!" "How are you?" "You in good form?" "Good evening, good evening..." "How are you?" "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen," " to the Hammersmith Apollo!" "Good form?" " [all] Yeah!" "My name is Dara O'Briain, It is a pleasure to be in front of you, after a tour all over Ireland and the UK, to be back in London," "It's a delight to be back at home, in one regard," "It's interesting to be back in London now, 'cause we left you and when we came back things had changed in a subtle way," "Like short stories you read as a teenager, science-fiction stories, you'd go into the past and then you'd sneeze on a pterodactyl or step on something, you come back and the world is changed," "We went to Basingstoke, Croydon, Aylesbury," "We came back, you elected fat Andy Warhol as mayor, [laughter]" "Frankly, if I knew that's what you could get from hosting Have I Got News For You" "I wouldn't have settled for Mock The Week." "[laughter, applause]" "It is a pleasure, Hello, people at the front, We'll come to you in a moment, [laughter]" "But it is a delight be back, particularly in this part of the world," "I live near here, Hello, Hammersmith," "Hammersmith, one of the economic engines that is keeping this country going," "By Hammersmith, I mean that newsagent on King Street" " where Polish guys get their jobs, - [laughter]" "The most..." "I'm not slagging off Poles, I'm Irish, I love Poles," "They've kind of stolen our act just a little bit, Know what I mean?" "They're cheaper then we are, work harder and they had a Pope," " They're more Catholic then we ever were, - [laughter]" "But now we find ourselves back here," "We will be talking to you, people in the front," "Don't feel scared by that," "It's not some corny comedy thing where I slag you off, I'll make gods of you," "You know that?" "I'll render you extraordinary," "You'll be carried out of this building, You'll be legends by the end of it," "That's what you do, one of the joys about live comedy is that you mess with people and find out about lives," "It's fun and it changes every night, In Oxford, for example..." "A tip for comedians:" "always ask another question," "I asked, "What do you do?" He goes, "I'm a food scientist,"" " The entire room went, "Ooh..." - [laughter]" ""We don't like that," I went, "You done anything interesting as a food scientist?" He goes, "l invented the Solero,"" " [laughter]" " That's exactly..." "Everyone went, "Well..." I went, "Really?" "All of them?"" " He went, "No, just tropical," - [laughter]" "I said to him, "That's incredible," We had a long discussion about the ratio of ice cream to stick and how you get the frozen-y bit to keep the ice cream in, Technical issues were raised," "I was going, "There's so many issues, Did you do this yourself?"" " He goes, "No, I led the team," - [laughter]" "Which I thought was a fantastic way to describe devising an ice cream," "Shackleton led a team, Edmund Hillary led a team," " Wolverine, he leads a fucking team, - [laughter]" "But this man invented an ice cream, and sitting beside him was his wife who had this look on her face, this glorious look of, "Here we go again with the fucking Solero, Jesus,"" " [laughter]" " This is people we've met," "We met in Manchester the man who put the thin metal strip into notes," "What a weird gig that was, We met a guy in Halifax who works for the Halifax." "It's that kind of town, Oh, here's one of my favourites," "We met a guy in Tunbridge Wells who works in business continuity," "Have you ever heard of it?" "A few of you," "Business continuity is brilliant," "It's a new, invented industry, It's my favourite industry in the world," "These guys go round to large companies and tell... scare them by going, "Are you ready for a nuclear attack or a terror attack or a flood?" "We'll look after you," That kind of stuff," "Basically, army guys with a very vivid imagination scaring the shit" " out of corporate types, - [laughter]" "Going, "Are you ready for a killer bee attack?"" "The CEO of Woolworths, "What the fuck would killer bees want in Woolworths?"" ""Pick-n-Mix." "Fuck it, you're right!"" " [laughter]" " It's a brilliant industry," "It's a superb industry, But it is that kind of stuff," "We talk and hopefully things occur and it's great," "Things occur tonight that didn't occur last night and won't occur next week," "Different things occur, I don't have a title for the show," "There is a show, It isn't just me going, "Hello, hello," We don't all get a turn," "There is a show, I don't have a title, I was going to call the show" "You Had To Be There." "Half of that was so that in a week's time people would see the posters" " and go, "Ah, fuck." - [laughter]" "But the other half was that stuff will occur that won't occur any other night," "You shout things, I'll react, create fantastic stuff that won't occur again, That's the joy of live comedy," "It's different every night, If you buy Superbad or Anchorman on DVD, you'll get a funny thing, but the same one each time," "Here, it's different, I'm trying to reclaim that phrase," "I know that most of us use "You had to be there" as a bit of a get-out clause when an anecdote hasn't quite kicked off as royally as you thought it would," "You go, "l was in the pub last night, It was magical," "Mick put a pint glass on his nose and ran around going, 'Rah, rah, rah," "Rah, rah, rah, rah.'" " You had to be there." - [laughter]" "Random choice, What's your name?" " [man] Matthew," " How are you?" "Are you a local?" " [man] I'm not," " You're not a local," "There's an air of mystery already about you, Where are you from?" " I live in Reading," " You've come here for the gig?" "You've come for the gig, But I did Reading," "That makes no sense at all, Don't feck with my..." "The idea is I tour, I go to you, That's surely the way it has to work" " [applause]" " If I..." "If I thought you were going to come to me, I wouldn't have left the house," " [laughter]" " If all I had to do was go to a hilltop and go..." "[imitates horn] then you just flock towards me..." "Jesus, I fucking drove on that M4 for up to 45 minutes to get down to that town," " And what do you do in Reading?" " Proposal manager," "You're a proposal manager, Some guys have fear of commitment," " [laughter]" " What kind of proposals do you manage?" " Engineering company," " For an engineering company," "What do you make?" "Big things?" "Tiny things?" " Oil refineries," " Oil refineries in Reading?" " [laughter]" " Reading is about 400 miles inland," "Surely your first proposal would be "Move the company to the shore", [laughter]" "That's the first thing you could do," "Here are you wandering around with a divining rod in the middle of Wiltshire or whatever county, I'm not sure," " Is Reading in Wilshire?" " Berkshire," "It's Berkshire?" "Oh, Yeah, Have you heard the accent?" " I'm not from round here, - [laughter]" "I haven't learnt all the counties, OK, in Y orkshire, where you're from..." "Walking with a..." "Where's the nearest oil to you?" " Nearest oil?" " The nearest oil," " Esso," " In the garage, Thank you very much," "People are queuing up to give out to you for this ridiculous business plan," "Complete strangers are giving out to you, Is there any oil near you?" " Not really, no," " Not really," "It's a rather relaxed job you've got for yourself," ""What do you do in Tenerife?" "l look after the polar bears."" " [laughter] - "Are you kept busy?"" ""Nah, I get a lot of time to do whatever I want," "It's quite relaxing." Have you done one in Aberdeen?" " No," " That seems to be the closest to where you are, Aberdeen, brilliant town, fabulous place," "Two industries, which is oil and lap dancing," " [laughter]" " The two major economies in Aberdeen are oil and lap dancing, Half take it out of the ground and the other half rub it on themselves, It's just fantastically circular," "It's very ecological as a whole, No, it's great," "Thank you for taking the journey, Pick a number between one and ten," " Four," " Four?" "One, two, three, four, How are you, sir?" "Are you well?" "It could have been any other number, and we will judge you on whether or not this one works out well, God knows, What's your name, sir?" " Paul," " Hi, Paul, Where are you from?" " I'm from here," " Here," " Fulham," " Fulham?" " Limerick, originally," " Originally," "I'm beating you down here, Slowly..." "The more questions I ask, you're driving further away, "I'm not of this planet."" "You'll rip your head off and your antennae will flap wildly in every direction, [hissing]" "Sorry, Doctor Who." "Sorry," "You're from Limerick, How long are you over here, Paul?" " Three years," " Three years, What do you do?" " What skills did you bring to London?" " Software engineer," "Software engineer, How's that working out?" " Good," " What have you made?" " What have you done?" "Software for what?" " Um, banking stuff," "Banking?" "It's getting more and more excciting, Comedy gold," " [laughter]" " You could have gone for three, fucker!" "Look at him, This guy is gold here," "And this guy has a perfectly reasonable technical job that's the bane of a comedian's life, This kind of it slices of career stuff," "Just for banking, for God's sake?" "Any particular type of banking?" " I work for Visa," " You work for Visa," " We're familiar with their work - [laughter]" "We don't have an emotional response, They didn't turn into panto crowd," "Whereas "l dig for oil in Reading,"" "the whole place was going, "That's fucking nonsensical."" " [laughter]" " The lT thing intrigues me 'cause they're sticking it into anything," "Here's my favourite current application," "There's a company called Clearblue, Are you familiar with Clearblue?" " [laughter]" " Come on," "Half of you know who Clearblue are, right?" "Half of you don't want to shout and the other half, the deeper-voiced half, are kind of going, "I'm sure I've seen the box around the bathroom."" " [laughter]" " Paul, do you know what they make?" " No," " You don't?" "Want to take a guess?" " Uh, it stuff?" " lT?" "They make it?" "Well..." "In a manner of speaking, there's information, and there's technology used to get the information," "They make pregnancy tests, A specific form of information that you're requiring here, There's a guy in Dublin I asked," "He went, "Are they an hternet service provider?"" " [laughter]" " Difficult to check pregnancy over the hternet, You'd have to scan yourself in," "But Clearblue came up with a new pregnancy test, a more advanced one," "Judging by the response, it's a product 1 00 per cent brought by women," "Women buy pregnancy tests," "It's marketed to them, They came up with a slogan which I thought was the worst slogan for a product aimed at women," "It was, "Clearblue: the most sophisticated piece of technology" " you will ever urinate on." - [laughter]" "No woman finds that appealing as a marketing strategy, whereas to men, that's the Holy Grail," "We've been urinating on things our entire lives and we have never thought to grade them technologically," "Already we have a winner, But women go into Boots and you go into a wall of pregnancy tests, You don't go," ""l want the one with the liquid crystal display that'll download MP3s," "That's the pregnancy test for me,"" "You want the one that gives you discretion and accuracy," "The major things you want in a pregnancy test," "You don't go, "l want the one that will play It's R..aining Men" " by the Weather Girls." - [laughter]" "That's how you sell shit to men, It is embarrassing how you advertise to men," "Men are still advertised to as if we were autistic 1 2-year-old boys," "We're up to five blades on our razors, [laughter]" "What in the name of Christ can the blades four and five possibly contribute that blades one, two and three didn't pretty much cover already?" "Does blade four remove a layer of epidermis entirely before blade five instantaneously cauterises the wound so that no hair" " will ever grow there again?" " [laughter]" "Do you have to unlock blade five by defeating a boss on blade four?" "[laughter]" "And even the name of the five-blade razor is depressingly patronising," "They just took every boy word and rammed them together in a line," "It's called the Gillette Fusion Power Stealth," " [laughter]" " It was tragic enough that it used to be called Fusion Power, It's a razor blade!" ""This razor blade harnesses the power of the atom," "But now with new stealth mode, click, vroom, it's gone!"" ""Where has my razor blade gone?" "Who knows where my razor blade is now?" "You'll not track it down," "It's gone deep cover, No radar can find it," "We'll have to listen to the dull hum of the reactor core."" "I made that comment in a gig in Manchester and somebody sent me a link to a new Kenwood kettle called the Kenwood Stealth, It's a kettle!" "What the fuck does it do, hide in the garden behind the grass, just looking at you and waiting till you look thirsty?" "And then it suddenly jumps out at you and gives you a cup of tea," " You go, "Where did that come from?" - [laughter]" "The kettle looks and goes, "You'll not see me again," and disappears," " Who needs stealth mode in a kettle?" " [applause]" "That's how you sell shit..." "That's how you sell shit to men," "By the way, on the pregnancy test point, just on the pregnancy test, men envy women the pregnancy test 'cause there's no parallel technology," "Nothing we use is the same, We would love to use pregnancy tests," "Don't get me wrong, We've all had a go," "Fuck it, They sell them in twos and threes," "Once the result is in, why let the others go to waste?" " [laughter] - "Let's find out if I'm pregnant," "Oh!" "Turns out I'm not, I'm going for a pint."" "Men would love if the major junctions in their lives were illustrated to them by peeing onto a stick We'd kill for that," "To be able as a man to walk out of a bathroom to a wife or partner or girlfriend and wave a stick in the air, as a man, and turn to her and go," ""Guess who's regional lT manager for the mid-west area," " [laughter]" " Two blue lines, Yeah!"" "Quality, absolutely quality," "We never got to you because you could have been two or three, What's your name?" " [man] Michael," " Hi, Are you local?" " Harrow," " Grand, You've come down, Thank you," "Another person from Harrow, Something to talk about on the train home," " Great, What do you do in Harrow?" " I'm a lorry driver," "You're a lorry driver?" "Fantastic, You drive a big lorry?" "How many wheels?" " Six." " Six?" ", There's room for inflation," "Does it work that way?" "Do you look at the 1 8-wheels and go," ""Some day I'll have that." What's in the back of the lorry now?" " Food," " Food?" "How long can it stay there?" " [laughter]" " About an hour," "We won't have you for long, will we?" "You're looking very fidgety already," "Jesus Christ, that yogurt's not gonna keep itself warm," " What kind of food's in the back?" "," " Sorry?" " What kind of food?" " Eurostar," "Eurostar food, For the train?" "The little compact meals?" "How many?" " Hundreds," " Hundreds!" "How many people can we feed tonight?" "What a gig that would be!" "If we got you to back the van up to the door and we fed everyone during the interval and you got some fake croissant and something slightly French, slightly English for the Eurostar," "Do ever eat?" "Do you ever tuck in?" "Ever open the back?" "," " No, you don't, - [laughter]" "I'm with you, I bet you're stuffed with vol-au-vents," "I bet you've got nothing but the little cartons of orange juice," "Is that what it is?" "How do you know if you don't fucking open them?" "You've given yourself away, I've foiled you, I put a trap and, vroom, I took it away and you fell onto spiky ground," "Is it mainly food that you have at the back of the truck?" "," " Yeah, food," " Food," "Do you dream of something else, of something less perishable?" "Something you could drive for miles, It's a short journey but food goes off," "It's an hour window, You can't get far from Harrow," "You can't get close to King's Cross from Harrow in an hour," "If the traffic is bad does it start to smell?" "Can you hear it coming in?" "The smell coming in, "Fuck it, it's off." Tip it onto the side of the road," "Do you go to a residential area and see if anyone's building something and tip it into a skip?" "Middle of the night, you're shovelling Eurostar meals into a local skip," "Eurostar meals, old Christmas trees, anything just goes into the skip," "Then you go, "lt was robbed!" Who would rob it?" "It's a ridiculous story, I don't know why you said it," "You didn't say it, I'm doing most of the talking in this relationship," "It's kind of the way it works, Who should I talk to next?" "Lads at the end, should I talk to them?" " Which one should I talk to?" " Two," "Number two, He picked you out exactly," " What's your name?" " Alex." " How are you?" "What do you do?" " I'm a student," " Student of?" "Of what?" " [indistinct]" " Say that entirely again, - [indistinct]" "I like the way you're saying it quieter and quieter the closer I get," "It's like trying to lure a badger out of a set," "The nearer I get, the quieter I have to go," " What is it?" "What do you do?" " [laughter]" " [indistinct] - [whispering]" "This is gonna be a weird bit in the DVD," "People will be leaning into their television, turning it up and up, going, "Something wrong, Technical fault."" "We'll have to run a little subtitle, "Quiet man." It's a school you're in," " Yeah," " OK, cool, I'm still not getting it, but I'm liking the way that it's a discreet school, I'm liking that," " So you're doing A-levels?" " No, GCSEs," "You're even younger, Good to have you here, What are you gonna do after?" "I'm going to college to be an electrician," "Very good, It's excciting, What made you want to do that?" " My dad's an electrician," " That's very imaginative of you," "It gives you a bit of start, anyway, Jeez, the lack of drive there," "What's your favourite type of light bulb, plug-in or bayonet?" "These are the questions people are gonna ask you," " Haven't a clue," " You haven't?" "You're like just putty at this stage," "You haven't decided your favourite, Your dad had, Five or 1 3 amp?" "Which one is the best?" "Fuck's sakes, man!" "Do you not know anything at all?" "Did he not sit you down on his lap and go, "lf you want to get involved in this, you're gonna have to know"?" "Do you have those screwdrivers" " that light up?" " No," "You don't?" "What kind of fucking electrician is he?" "Does he just guess?" "Does he just lick his finger and go," ""OK, if I die, you won't owe me a penny," "Ah..." "I'm still here, The current is off, Fantastic, Hoo!" "That's not gonna work every time I do it like that."" "What's your favourite, alternating or direct current?" "[laughter]" " "What's that?" - [laughter]" "You're gonna be the blankest canvas they've ever had in electrician school," "They'll be thrilled, They can tell you anything, Fairies carry the charge from deep inside the earth and they mine it and then they bring it up in lifts and then they present the light to other little elves who run up the wall," "Then they just wave their arses until they light up and then light has spread all over the place, Any fucking fairy tale at all, they're gonna tell you, [applause]" "Don't clap because I'm taking the piss out of the fact that you don't know anything about..." "You don't know the different types of light bulb, It's gonna be brilliant, amazing," " The shit they're gonna teach you, - [laughter]" "They do do that, Some of the sciencey nonsense that's taught to people," "It's fantastic, We were talking about marketing a minute ago, the selling of these things technically," "Here's my absolute favourite piece of marketing nonsense," "I'll do it as melodramatically as I can," ""When?" "When will we ever win the war on bacteria?"" " [laughter]" " We're up to 99,9 per cent," "Surely it's only one final push and we can eradicate that last, 1 per cent of bacteria which is clogging up our kitchen work surfaces at the moment," "And I mean the bad bacteria, not the good bacteria," "No, there was some sort of propaganda war where we lured L casei immunitas" " onto our team, - [laughter]" "What happens if you pour Dettol into a Y akult?" "[laughter]" "Is there a massive explosion of bad bacteria, and then there's just one good bacteria at the bottom of the pot going," " "Thank you for saving me"?" " [laughter]" "There's so much bullshit we read about that stuff," "Particularly if you've got kids," "Here's a tip: if there's bacteria in your house and you have kids, rub their faces in the bacteria, They're supposed to get sick," "You're not supposed to spray every single surface near your children and wipe out everything, It's not good for their immune systems," "There's so much fear about these things," "Parents in this country must be going bananas with it," ""Oh, my kids!" "Don't come into the kitchen!" "There's bacteria all over here!" "Don't go outside, there are murderers out there, Just stay in the hall."" " [laughter] - "How long do I have to stay?"" ""Until you're 1 8, Then you can do whatever you want," "OK, you can go to the shops, but be careful nobody follows you," "I shouldn't have let him go, I'll follow him."" "There's a general lack of knowledge about science," "Not just specifically you, who thinks that fucking pixies bring electricity from one side of the room to the other, You've got to stop believing that," "With their little flapping of wings and fucking wiggling of tails," "That's not the way it works, You think there's an elf in the bulb who dies, and then you take the elf down and replace him with a new one?" "No, of course not," "There's a general..." "In the media, there's a lot of stuff people don't know about, numbers," "I'm a numbers guy, I'm a dweeb, I apologise," "I'm a bit of a nerd about these kind of things, I get really pissed off when people give out about crime going up and say the numbers are definitely going down, If you go, "The numbers are going down,"" "they go, "The fear of crime is rising." So fucking what?" "Know what I mean?" "Zombies are at an all-time low level, but the fear of zombies could be high," "It doesn't mean we have to have government policies to deal with the fear of zombies, It's ridiculous," "The NHS, there was a survey in the NHS about dentistry, where they found that some people are removing their own teeth," "They brought on some senior dentist onto Sky News and gave out to him and said, "This is terrible, People are removing their teeth!"" "This guy stood there and went, "Systems should be put in place to deal with it."" "Which is stupid, He should be going, "These people are fucking morons!"" " [laughter] - "Who removes their own teeth?" "I'm a dentist, I don't remove my own teeth."" "But there's a notion that everyone's opinion is valid, My arse!" "Bloke who's a professor of dentistry for 40 years does not have a debate with some eejit who removes his teeth with string and a door," "It's nonsense, They'll have this all the time with medical stuff on TV," "They'll talk to the doctor, "Doctor this and Doctor that, what happened?" "lsn't it awful?"" "The doctor will be talking about something with the benefit of research and medical evidence, and they'll turn away from the doctor in the name of balance," "And turn to some quack, witch doctor," "Inomeopath, horse-shit peddler on the other side of the studio," "I'm sorry if you're into homeopathy, It's water!" "How often does it need to be said?" "It's just water, You're healing yourself," "Give yourself the credit, Homeopaths get on my nerves with the whole, "Science doesn't know everything."" "Science knows it doesn't know everything, Otherwise it'd stop," " [laughter]" " But as well as that..." "Why would they bother?" "Just because science doesn't know everything doesn't mean you fill in the gaps with whatever fairy tale most appeals to you," ""The great thing about homeopathy is you can't overdose on it."" " You can fucking drown, - [laughter]" "I'm sorry, it seems harsh, and I used to be much more generous," "Right now, I would take homeopaths and I'd put them in a big sack with psychics, astrologers and priests and I'd close the top of the sack and I'd hit them all with sticks!" "I wouldn't worry who got the worst of the belt of the stick" "Anyone, in answer to the difficult questions in life, the "l don't know what happens after I die"" "or "What happens if my loved ones die?" or "How can I stop myself dying?"" "The big questions give you an easy bullshit answer," "You go, "Do you have evidence for that?"" "They go, "There's more to life than evidence." Get in the fucking sack!" ", [laughter]" "I'm sorry, herbal medicine has been around for thousands of years," "It has and then we tested it all and the stuff that worked became medicine, [laughter]" "The rest of it is just a nice bowl of soup and some potpourri," "Knock yourselves out, Chinese medicine," ""There are billions of Chinese, Chinese medicine must be working."" "The skinny on Chinese medicine:" "1 00 years ago, the life expectancy in China was 30," "The life expectancy at the moment is 73, and it's not fecking tiger penis that turned it around for the Chinese, Didn't do much for the tiger either, if you don't mind me pointing out," ""But they're so wise, one word for crisis and opportunity."" "Yes, but they also have one word for China and Tibet," " And it's China, so fuck them, - [laughter, applause]" "Yeah, like we're gonna take them on, come on," "I do love it when I get a round of applause, as if we're gonna go," ""We'll take on the Chinese!" "The Hammersmith Apollo," "We'll go bananas and go over there, lt'll be fantastic."" "You can supply the food out of the back of the truck" "You can find the oil for the car, I don't know what you'll do at that stage," "You'll do some it and you can light it up with your fairy bulbs," " [laughter]" " It's one of these ridiculous things," "You never see that balancing with science," "You never see it with physics, a guy from NASA talking about a space station," ""Mr NASA guy, you've built a new space station."" "They go, "That's very interesting, But for the sake of balance, we must now turn to Barry who believes the sky is a carpet painted by God," "What do you think of this space station plan?"" ""It's clearly ridiculous, They're gonna hook it onto the carpet?"" ""You're absolutely right, Barry, you really are."" "Ridiculous, By the way, I love psychics," " Do you know Watchdog?" " [all] Yeah!" "Of course you do, Thank heavens, The comedian feeds off the energy of his audience, and right there I slipped into a coma, [laughter]" "Watchdog." "I'm not sure why you'd whoop that particular sentence," "That seems an unusual thing to want in a performer: "Go to the coma again."" " It's excciting theatre, - [woman] Energy!" "Energy?" "OK, if you want, I'll do more jumping around," "It seems an unusual request, OK, I'll do it more!" " [laughter]" " Sorry, that was you giving me energy," "Thank you, I'm charged!" "See the way it works," "Somebody at the back of the room goes, "Energy!" Bulbs kick off in a huge way," " It's magic, - [applause]" "You know, you're right, It is just magic," " And maybe there is oil in Reading, - [laughter]" "Why can't we just dream?" "Anyway, that'd be great if you went home after the gig and you're in the bathroom and suddenly up out of the toilet..." "And you go, "Mary, Mary, This couldn't be..." "That'd be too lucky, wouldn't it?" Just started shooting up out of the thing," "Where was I?" "Oh, Yeah," "I was talking about the whole..." "psychics, Ah!" "That was it," "There was a thing on, I got thrown by a woman shouting "Energy!"" "as if we were in the middle of a 1 970s glam disco review, Yeah!" "Sorry!" "Fusion, exccitement, energy, power!" "[laughter]" "Any other buzz words you'd like me to give a physical expression to?" " Stealth!" " [laughter, applause]" "That was fairly shit, wasn't it?" "Let's face it, that was a pretty poor expression of stealth," "You'd be a really bad ninja if all you did was like that, [laughter]" " Don't mind me, - [laughter]" " [woman shouts]" " What did you say?" " Sexy!" " Sexy?" "Please!" "With every move," "Now... this has taken a weird turn, hasn't it?" "The gig was going as it normally goes, nice and bit fucking preachy about the whole medical thing, All of a sudden, people shout buzz words and I do mime, This sudden weird direction I have taken in my career," ""When did you change, Dara?" "When did you stop being a stand-up and get trapped in a glass box?"" ""lt was in the middle of a gig, I'm sorry, I'd love to talk longer but there's a giant gale coming and I've got to walk against it."" "Sorry, that's just weird," "Anyway, that was a crap stealth," "Good stealth would be if I did the rest of the gig over here," "That would be very good, quality stealth," " That's fucking great stealth, - [laughter]" "You know I'm here, but you've no idea, For all you know, I'm gonna walk..." "Round the back, Oh, Yeah, Right, OK, Then we're behind the big board," "We're behind the big board, No, I haven't gone anywhere!" " [laughter]" " Jesus, this is weird," "People at home will be going, "What the fuck is going on here?"" "That's the problem with "You had to be there" moments, You really had to," "I think we've had ours, the woman shouting out "Energy!" So..." " [woman] psychics," " Psychics," "How did you know I was going to say that?" " [laughter]" " It's incredible!" "Some people just have a gift, a remarkable talent for being able to draw that information out," "On Watchdog, which is what I was going to talk about, there was a really good item about two months ago about a woman who would look at you, just look, and tell you if your aura was cracked," "[laughter]" "Then she'd charge you $$680 to repair your aura," "Now, that's not a "consumer" issue, That's a "fucking eejit" issue, [laughter]" "If you're getting fooled by that, you don't deserve the $$680," "My favourite thing about it was the item had a headline," "The item was titled "Bogus psychic scam"," "As if there's any other kind of psychic," "As if you could have finished it with a real psychic going," ""On behalf of genuine psychics, we'd just like to say we're very angry about this" " and so are the dead." - [laughter]" "I did a TV show a few years ago in Ireland called The Kelly Show." "On The Kelly Show that night was a woman called Sharon Neill," "Sharon Neill sells herself as the blind psychic," "The host turned to her and said, "Would you do a reading for the audience?"" "Sharon turned to the audience and says, "Has anyone here lost a Mary?"" "In Ireland!" "A forest of hands shoot up," "People are always losing Marys in Ireland," "Some had lost a couple on the way to the studio that night," "If you sit down too quickly in Ireland," "Marys will roll out of your pocket into the gap in the couch," "Even then, she kept getting stuff wrong, and the host said a brilliant thing, something nobody ever says to psychics, "You got a lot of that wrong."" "Sharon said an amazing thing on national television," ""Sometimes there are so many voices, it's difficult to know which is which."" "Basically, she went on the telly and went, "I'm so psychic," "I'm shit at being a psychic, I'm too psychic for my own good."" " [laughs] That's not her laugh, - [laughter]" "I love that kind of stuff, but all that nonsense of the fairy tales, homeopathy, chiropractor, all of this kind of stuff, ridiculous, and they make billions every year in the welhess industry," "If you're not sick, you've got welhess," "Sure, we all like to talk to somebody and have a rub, but that doesn't mean you're any better or worse after, Ridiculous stuff," "Nutrition, I was talking about this, Here's my favourite fact," "If anyone describes themself to you as a nutritionist, be slightly wary," "What they're saying may be true, but nutritionist isn't a protected term, Anyone can call themselves nutritionist," "Dietician is the legally protected term," "Dietician is like dentist and nutritionist is like toothyologist," " [laughter]" " I could call myself a nutritionist and I'd be a popular nutritionist, People would come from miles around," ""You look fantastic, Let's have a pint," "Come on, come on, come on, You fat bastard, I'll wrestle you."" "It's ridiculous, Though there's lots of evidence for this kind of stuff, we still would sooner believe the story our mother tells us about the woman who had a headache and rubbed a cat on the side of her head" "and the headache was gone the next day," "We take things for granted about our health," "There's a thing on the cover of the London Evening Standard, this thing which said, "Ten symptoms you should not ignore."" "You think, "There's gonna be something which I've had for a while but it's been low level and I've never done anything about it," "I should get that checked out." That's what you presume it is," ""That pain in my arm is still there, I can't seem to clear that chesty cough."" "The first three symptoms you should not ignore" " were rectal bleeding..." " [laughter]" ", loss of height..." " [laughter]" ",and sudden blindness, - [laughter]" " Who ignores sudden blindness?" " [laughter]" "Who sits in the office at lunchtime going, "Who turned out the lights?" "I can't see a thing, It's awful, I'm no use to anyone today," "I'll answer phones, That's all I can do, That's all I'm good for today," "Don't make a fuss, don't make a fuss,"" "[laughter]" "I wouldn't dream of lecturing you on how to live your lives, about health," "That would be arrogant, like these people," "Look at me, I'm a big guy, I'm no model for anyone when it comes to health," "I winter well, as we say euphemistically," "And this gets reflected to me in weird ways," "We went to buy a car, myself and the wife," "We're sitting in the garage, and on the forecourt is a two-seater sports car," "I said, "l know we're not gonna buy it, Can I just sit in it?" "I've always wanted one, Can I just sit in it?"" ""You can." I sat in the little two-seater, and I just went," ""How do I look?" She goes, "You look like Noddy."" "[laughter]" "I went into Harvey Nicks, like a fool, I went into Harvey Nicks," "I was sitting in Harvey Nicks and I saw in the menswear department this jacket," "I went to the guy at the counter and said," ""Sorry, would you have this in my...?"" "Which is as far as I got, for a hand shot up to my mouth," "He went, "Don't say another word, Just get out, Just get out now," "We've nothing for you here, Just leave now, Shrek, before I light a torch and chase you out of the building, What?" "For you, that?" "I'd have to sell you seven of them and stitch them together into some sort of pelt that you could wrap around yourself in your cave for the winter, Get out, Get out, You're blocking the light to the shop."" "[laughter]" "And I've tried the gym, Jesus, I've tried the gym," "I just couldn't take the amount of holding, They're obsessed with holding," "In the real world, I pick up a heavy thing, I know where it's going," "I bring it there immediately, I don't stand around counting to ten with the thing in my hand," "I don't want to be a removals man for an indecisive client going," ""Ooh, piano there, piano there, I can't decide."" "I'd go, "That's OK, I trained for just such a situation."" "And the Day Two pain of the gym, when you go back to the gym and you're in agony and every bit of you is in pain, and the gym guy you go up to, and go, "Why am I in so much pain?"" "He goes, "That's because you're using muscles you haven't used in years."" "You look at him and go, "Why the fuck are we wasting our time with those?"" " [laughter] - "Clearly I don't need them," "Market forces have driven them to waste away."" "[cheering]" ""Let them die," "Just give me one big one on each leg and a couple in the arms," "That's all I need." But no, I spend hours skiing," "That's all they make me do, ski like I'm moving to the Arctic at some stage," "You're on that machine praying for snow, dreaming of snow, going," ""Someday the snow will come and then they'll need me," "I'll be the one who's trained to get help on that day," "I'll be the one they need to rescue everyone else in the gym," "Not you, rowing machine man, you're feck all use to us that day."" "[laughter]" "I'm sorry, I got very angry towards the end of that bit," "Listen, you're a really good crowd, There's some crowds you have to work and meld them together, but you're there already," " [cheering]" " No, hey, hey, Please," "Please, I don't want you to take that..." "That's not meant to be some shitty show-bizzy, "You're a great crowd"," "I indicate that I judge you as much as you judge me, so we're equal," "No, no, 'cause there are gigs you do..." "I did a nightmare gig in London, terrible gig, on the day that England won the rugby World Cup, about four and a half years ago, All right, all right," "Let's not kick it off, It was fucking ages ago," "Besides, it's rugby, I couldn't give a fuck about rugby," "There's a lot of people like that, In Ireland, it's played by well-off guys from well-off schools, Frankly, if they lose, it's like, "Boo hoo, rich kid."" " [laughter]" " It's difficult to get the emotion," ""Oh, no, you'll have to go to your job in the city and cry now."" "But it is..." "Besides that, here's my major problem with rugby," "Why is the ball pointy, exactly?" "Is that to introduce a fun random element into it all?" ""The ball's gonna bounce!" "Where's it gonna bounce?" "It's gone mad!"" "[laughter]" "It's just like a muscular form of crazy golf, [laughter]" "I did a gig when England won the rugby World Cup four and half years ago, five years ago, and it was in a pub called The Bedford in Balham," "There's a very good comedy club there, Great pub, great club," "This wasn't its finest hour, before we get too exccited," "I arrived at ten to do the gig, not knowing that the room was filled with people who had been watching the rugby match since nine that morning," "There's a bit of a myth that a bit of booze helps the comedy crowd along," "A bit of booze is a window of opportunity of one to five drinks," "These people had been drinking for 1 3 hours by the time I arrived," "They were so drunk they couldn't remember the beginning of a joke" " when you got to the end, - [laughter]" "Which is unhelpful in what I'm trying to do," "I'd hit them with a punch line and they'd go, "Hm, sorry, what?"" "And you'd go, "Do you not remember a minute ago when I said I was allergic to rabbits?" "Do you not remember that?"" "They'd go, "l didn't hear that, Y eah, that would have made it funny."" "So I'm standing in front of this crowd trying to do a gig, and it was tough, and I can mess around with people and I can have a bit of fun," "If worst comes to worst, I'll do my series of award-winning mimes, [laughter]" "But this was not working, This was tough and I got out of there and stood at the end of the room, cold sweat, "That was horrible."" "Normally, if it goes badly you don't hang around, You get out of there," "There's no way you want to hover and be in the venue of where you just may have almost died," "But I made an exception that night," "I said, "No, I want to watch the rest of this show," "I want to see how the guy who comes on after me does."" "Because the guy who's coming on after me is a magician," " [laughter]" " And comedians hate magicians," "You may not know this, but we can't stand magicians 'cause they practise and practise and practise and then they pretend that it's magic, That gets on my tits in a huge way," ""Where's the card gone?" "It's magic."" "No, you were lonely as a teenager and practised for hours," "That's where the fucking card has gone," "Concert pianists also practise for hours, but they don't go out on stage and go, "Where is the music coming from?" "This is incredible," "It's like it's flowing out of my hands, It's amazing."" "So the magician goes to somebody in the front row with a pack of cards, fans out the cards like that and goes, "Pick a card."" "And the guy picks a card and he shows the crowd and it's the ten of clubs or something, The magician takes the card and makes it disappear, and then he makes the pack disappear, and then he launches into a standard-issue magician horseshit bit" "about, "Where have they gone?" "Are they here?" "In another realm?" "Maybe they are taken apart particle by particle in a separate dimension," "Shall we ever see them again?" All this kind of guff, this really irritating bit where they pad out the middle," "During which time the audience... pfoom!" ", have completely forgotten not only that it was the ten of clubs, but really that they were shown anything at all," "So when the magician eventually goes round to his finale, where he gets a melon, a fresh melon, and he opens the melon up and from within the fleshy pulp of the melon" "Ine withdraws this thing which he unfurls and, "Oh, my God, it's the ten of clubs,"" "the entire room just goes, "Ooh, melon!"" "[laughter]" "They haven't eaten in 1 3 hours," "They're staring at this food just going, "Ah,." Drooling," "Some of them are dying of scurvy at this stage and now there's a source of vitamin C open on the stage in front of them," "They're just looking, going, "Jeez, melon, this is fantastic," "Is this what he does?" "Is this a buffet?" "Is this what he's going to do?" "He's going to bring out more food, I wonder what's next, I hope it's chips," "A little bit of chips now, Chips, chips, chips, chips, chips, chips!"" "You have not lived until you've been at a gig where a magician's trying to show off a soggy ten of clubs that smells of melon to a crowd going," ""Chips, chips, chips, chips, chips, chips, chips, chips, chips!"" "And I was at the back going..." "[laughs] Sorry," "Listen, let's expand our realm even more, What's your name?" " [man] Danny," " How are you?" "You local?" " Yeah, not too far," " It's cool, What do you do?" " I owe my own shoe repairing company," " Shoe repairing company?" " [crowd hooting]" " Bizarrely, you turned the crowd into a panto crowd," " [laughter]" " Ooh!" "But it is quite a panto thing, Like an elf, We're back to fucking elves again," "Do you have a team of elves or little cobblers like that?" "Quite a Brothers Grimm kind of situation," "Do you repair for princesses who dance the entire night through?" "Do you go, "l fix these shoes every day." And the princesses go," ""But we dance." What's the biggest shoe you've ever repaired?" "[laughter]" " Maybe a size 1 3," " Maybe a size 1 3," "But this is a size 1 3, Is this is big as it gets?" "Are you scared or are you looking at that in a lustful way?" "Are you looking at that shoe thinking, "This is incredible, If I could just get my hands on this man's leather needs!" Is it leather?" " What's the sole made of?" " That is leather," "Thank you very much, That's grand," "Do you have enough?" "Is there a cow large enough or do you have to graft cows?" "Do you have to genetically modify a cow to make some sort of super-cow with more leather than has ever been seen on a cow before?" "Is that what you do, you monster, are you breeding some freaky super-cow at the back of the thing where your elves kill the cow and then skin the cow and make shoes for angry princesses?" "Is that what you do, Danny?" "Is that what you do?" "Just say Yeah, Danny, just say Yeah, just say Yeah, you monster!" "Do you have a little hammer?" "Do you have a guy in the window, one of those things in the window, do you have one of them?" " No, not any more," " Not any more?" "Did he expose himself to some children?" " [laughter]" " Did the man behave inappropriately?" " Scaring children, - [laughter]" "They've always freaked me out, those things, Wrong," "Just this old man going, "You fucker, you think I like doing this every day?" "Just one nail hammering." Did you have one for a while?" " Yeah, It broke," " It broke?" "Ah!" "And where is he now?" "You haven't thrown him out?" "You've kept him?" " Back of the garage," " The garage, where a child will discover it, What a wonder it'll be for an eight-year-old," "He moves a box and there's this old man there with his little moustache," "They have moustaches, don't they?" "The world's least cheery Christmas decoration, "Ah, fucker."" "[laughter]" "And he never quite hit the nail either," "He was the worst cobbler I'd seen, He'd get close to the nail, and then he'd pull away, like he was teasing the shoe," ""l might repair you, I might not this time, I might repair you," "Fuck you, you're not getting repaired this time."" "Danny, it's good to have you here, Very good to have you here," "Danny, for God's sake, stand up straight," "Anyway, where were we?" "Ah, we were in London," "One of the joys, by the way, of this as opposed to..." "Danny, are you with me?" "One of the joys of being in London is that, hey, this is where I live," "That's nice, although, actually, when you tour, you get to hang out in places and that's kind of cool," "Weird stuff happens when you're hanging out," "In Manchester, we went into the hotel, my wife came with me," "We walked into the hotel and she stops and goes," ""This is very familiar." I said, "Have you been here?"" "She goes, "No, this is where Leanne Battersby came" "when she was a prostitute." - [laughter]" "The weirdest things happen when you go away, Where were we?" "Liverpool, we were talking to the guy in the hotel after the gig," "We said, "What should we do in Liverpool?"" "And the man goes, "You want to go for a drink?" "," "Down the corner there's VlPs." We said, "What's VlPs?"" "He said, "It's a lap dancing club open till six in the morning."" "He said it like that, And I went, "Ugh, That's like the most depressing thing" "I've ever heard in my life." Who needs to be lap-danced at six in the morning with sunlight streaming in through the window and some Eastern European girl pressed up against the bar trying to sleep... [snores]" ",with her arse going in auto pilot, trying to get any kip at all," ""Jesus, any cash?" "It's quarter to six, can I please sleep?"" "Some of those places are so depressing, There's one in Birmingham called Medusa," "A lap dancing club called Medusa, Google it," "Would it kill you to look up who Medusa was before you name the business and you print the napkins and the menus?" "Possibly the worse choice of icon for a fucking lap dancing club," ""Our dancers are sexy, They've got snakes for hair and turn you to stone," "You have to look at your lap dancer in your shield."" " "The tits on her are fantastic," - [laughter]" "Ridiculous idea," "There was one, the best name I've ever seen for a lap dancing club, which I didn't go into, was one in New Y ork called Mixed Emotions, [laughter]" "No name better sums up the journey you go on visiting a lap dancing club," "Mixed Emotions, You're in there going, "You're so hot but I love my wife, No!"" "In Newcastle we were staying in a hotel called The Malmaison, and it was the hotel in which Gazza had a moment a couple of months earlier," "I've had a weird time in that hotel, A weird thing happened on the last tour," "I was in the hotel after the gig, half twelve at night," "I'd managed to lock the DVD player," "I'd managed to shut the machine down, I don't know what I was doing," "I was trying to fast-forward past the anti-DVD piracy ad at the start," "You know that horrible compulsory thing, where you've spent $$1 4,99 on a film, and the first thing it does is go..." "[imitates music]" " "You wouldn't steal a car!" - [laughter]" "You're looking at it going, "l didn't fecking steal you," "I don't know how I'm going to steal a car."" ""You wouldn't kill a man!" It's a ridiculous warning," "If they even vaguely kept it in proportion... [imitates music] "You wouldn't steal some Post-it notes."" "[laughter]" "And you sit there going, "Feck it, I might," "If I'm in the cupboard and they're shiny and yellow, I might have them," "I might have some biros while I'm there, Who are you to judge, Mr DVD?"" "The best thing about buying illegal DVDs is you don't have to sit through the warning not to buy illegal DVDs," " [applause]" " You're straight into the film," "I locked the machine trying to get past this," "I found some mode and shut the thing down and I ring down to the guy at the desk who's just some guy who works at a desk in a hotel," "He's not Newcastle's leading audio-visual expert," "He just comes up and does the same four things I'd do," "He does in-out, on-off, takes the back off, rubs the batteries, push, push and then turns and goes, "You fucked the DVD."" " [laughter] - "What am I supposed to do now?"" "He goes, "l don't know, Read a book or something."" "So I went to bed and I'm reading a book in bed," "About half an hour later, there's a knock on the door," "So I walk over to the door and I just go... [squeaks]" "Lift up the little thing and I look out, and all you can see..." "There was nobody there," "It was a fish-eye view of the door on the other side of the corridor," "I go, "That's really weird," and then vroom!" " A naked man runs past the door, - [laughter]" "You start tilting and squinting your head thinking, "There must be some angle" "I can look down here that will make light bend down the corridor and I can see who that was."" "But of course there isn't, As I'm doing this, looking at the fish-eye view, vroom, the naked man runs past again," "I open the door and I go, "Hey,"" "The guy turns around and I looked at him and I knew him," "I worked with him on the gig that night, I'm going," ""What are you doing in the corridor?" "Come in."" "I said, "What are you doing out there in the nip?"" "The man goes, "l was asleep, I went to the bathroom," "I closed the door, I went, 'There's a lot of doors in this bathroom."' [laughter]" "So now he's naked in the corridor and the only useful piece of information he has is that I am somewhere on that floor," "So he hatches a brilliant plan to knock on every door and run away until eventually he finds me," "He basically just cups and knocks and runs down the corridor like that," "So I give him a towel and he wraps it around himself," "And I ring down to the desk and I say, "Hello, my friend is here," "He's locked himself out of his room, Could you bring a key?"" "The guy goes, "No problem at all, I'll be up in a minute."" "That's a long minute, by the way, when you're with a guy you kind of know" " trying not to look at his nipples, - [laughter]" "But eventually the guys turns up with some little magnetic key and opens the door and comes in and sees me and goes," ""How are you?" And then sees my friend and just goes," ""There you go, sir, get you back into your room, Night, now, Night."" "And he just looks at me, gives me a look, a look which says," " "So you broke the DVD player?" - [laughter]" ""This is how you decided to kill the time?" "You haven't even got the decency to hold him for the night," "Come on, I'll take you away, Let's bring you back to your room now."" "Which isn't the weirdest thing to happen to me in a hotel," "I was once in a hotel doing a gig and I arrived an hour early, and the gig was running an hour late, The woman who was my liaison met me, and she goes, "We've got a two-hour gap." She gives me her room key," "She goes, "Go to my room and you can watch television."" "I went up to the room and I watched Shaun of the Dead for a couple of hours," "Then there's a knock at the door and they bring me down to do the gig," "After I finish the gig, the woman comes and goes," ""l have a spare key, Take that, go up to the room and get your stuff and go," "You don't have to come down." I went, "Thank you."" "I left and I went back to the room," "In the time I had been gone, the turn-down team had been into the room," "Are you familiar with the work of the turn-down team?" "A few of you are, Grand, For those of you who are less familiar, the young men here, you probably haven't done much hotel stuff, the turn-down team..." "You know about chambermaids?" "Chambermaids around 1 1 in the morning will come into hotel and they clean the bathroom and they make the bed and get the duvet and the sheet and tuck them underneath the mattress and they'll go round and they'll do it at the back and the other side," "Then you come back to the hotel about nine, ten, midnight, after the wedding or the dinner, and you try to get into the bed, [laughter]" "But there is no way this mattress is going to yield the duvet," "You're tugging furiously at the thing, "l can't get into this thing!"" "Twang!" "Vroom!" "Twang!" "Vroom!" "You're lying on top of the bed going, "What kind of envelope have I rented?" "This is ridiculous, I can't get into the damn thing, This is a nightmare."" "You slide the one arm in just to feel the good of the cotton against your skin," ""That feels fantastic, Jesus, if I could just get into the bed," "I'd be the happiest man in the world,"" "You can't, You've the one arm in, you're on top of the bed trying to sleep, but then you go that way and it goes wrong," "The next morning, the manager goes, "How did you sleep?"" "You go, "My arm slept fantastically, The best night's sleep my arm's had," "The rest of me's in fecking spasm at this stage."" "So they invented the turn-down team who are like nice chambermaids who come round to the room at nine at night and loosen up the duvet, and loosen the sheet and get the whole ball rolling and the going-to-bed process, They fluff up the pillows and they're the ones" "who put a mint on each pillow because that's what you want just as you're going to sleep," "Just a little injection of sugar into your bloodstream to kick the whole journey to the Land of Nod off," "In really good hotels, lads, they rack up a line of cocaine on the table beside the bed," "You go, "Time for bed now?"" "I had the misfortune of being in a hotel room at about eight or nine at night once, and there's a knock, I open and there's a woman in a chambermaid's outfit with a trolley," "She looks at me and goes, "Turn-down team?"" "I'd heard all those words, but never in that context or in that order," "I genuinely didn't know..." "Part of me thought" "I was supposed to go, "Turn-down team!"" "Then we'd link up like a crime-fighting unit and we'd travel across the hotel turning down crime, Y eah!" "But I couldn't be entirely sure that that's what she meant," "So to play it safe I just went, "Y eah."" "The woman walked into the room, and now I'm on the back foot," "There's a woman walking into the room, she turns and she walks into the room," "I'm walking beside her going, "What's going on here?" "What have I said yes to?" "What exactly are we doing here?"" "As we walk along, we seem to be walking directly towards the bed," "I'm going, "What service have I agreed to?" "This is weird, now."" "And we're walking across the room and then she bends over the bed, which doesn't make me feel any more comfortable, and pulls down the duvet and turns to me and goes, "Good night,"" " and then walks out again, - [laughter]" "I'm left bereft in the middle of the bedroom going," ""What in the name of Christ just happened?"" "I was puzzling over it and I thought, "My God, that's her job," "How did I look?" "I must have looked like the worst kind of rich middle-class prick."" "She arrives at this door to do this stupid job and she knocks at the door and I open and she goes, "Turn-down team", and I essentially went, "Y es!" "Get in here now," "I am too powerful and lazy to take my own duvet cover down," "You shall do it for me, and not only will I make you do this," "I shall walk with you to the bed," "I shall accompany you on the long commute from the door over to the bed," "And I shall judge your work, Hmm, Do not take the duvet down too far," "I do not wish the bed to be naked, Get out, get out."" "So when I got back to the room that time, the turn-down team had been in," "They'd done all their bits and bobs and the whole thing," "They'd taken the duvet down and done the sheet and fluffed up the pillows and out were the mints, and they were gone," "So I'm looking around the transformed room going, "They've been in."" "Then I noticed they'd done a thing which I've never seen in any hotel in the world ever, They had gone through this woman's stuff," "They had found the most intimate items she had, pyjamas, a little cami pyjama top and her cotton pyjama bottom, and they had built something, a shape," "They had made them into a thing on the bed," "You're looking at this going, "What the hell is that?"" "I mean a three-dimensional thing, I don't mean they'd laid them out" "like a crime scene flat on the bed," ""This is where the woman was murdered,"" "They had built an origami thing with them, and you're circling around going, "What?" "It's a bird!"" "They have made a bird out of her underwear and put it on the bed," "It was the single creepiest thing I'd ever seen in my life," "It looked like the kind of thing a serial killer called the Pheasant" " might leave, - [laughter]" ""l am the Pheasant, I can get into wherever you are," "I can find you and I will leave the Pheasant to prove that I was there," "I am the Pheasant,"" "I'm looking at the thing going, "That's wrong, that's just..." "I hate that, that's a bit intrusive, I'm out of here,"" "I picked up my stuff to leave and the thought struck me," "I've never seen that done in any hotel room, so there's a pretty good chance that the woman whose room this is" "Inas also never seen that done in any hotel in the world ever," "And she is naturally going to presume... [laughter]" ",that in the two hours I had to kill before the gig, the only thing I could think to do to make the time go faster was go through her stuff, find the frilliest, delicate, most intimate items of clothing she had" "and then make a fucking duck with them on the bed," ""This is what I made for you, Do you like this?" "See how I made a beak out of the gusset, Do you like that?"" "[laughter] [squawks]" "I'm looking at this thing going, "This is going to finish my career," "This bird here is a vulture for my comedy career," "That is going to end it, If word gets out that this is what I like to do if I'm left alone in somebody's room,."" "People will ring her and go, "Did you use Dara for that gig?"" "She goes, "Yeah." They go, "Funny?" "Not important," "Let me tell you what he's really like."" "And that's it, I don't work again," "I'm looking at this thing going, "I've got to do something."" "Obviously your initial reaction is take the bird apart, rip the bird apart, flatten it, put it away somewhere," "But then I thought A, don't touch the thing, and B, I don't know where she took it from," "I don't know if it was in a drawer, a cupboard in the kitchen," "What if I put it in the wrong place?" "What if I take her stuff and end up hiding it on her?" "Surely that's even worse, that she comes back and I've created an underwear treasure hunt," "She's tearing the room apart trying to find her stuff and the phone rings and it's me going, "Getting warmer."" "[laughter]" "So I do the only thing I can do, I walk down to tell her I didn't do that," "I pick up my bags and I walk through the hotel, through the crowd going, "Hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya."" "Trying to find this woman who's at the far corner of the room surrounded by senior people from her company, grey-haired middle-management men going," ""Well done, Mary, That was an exccellent event, Congratulations."" "She's going, "Thank you."" "Enjoying this significant moment in her corporate career that I burst into, thinking," ""I'll be quick." I just burst into the circle, "Exccuse me..." "Hiya."" "She goes, "Hi." I go, "Listen, I just wanted you to know I didn't make a swan" " out of your knickers." - [laughter]" "And then walked off going, "That'll settle that, That's good."" "You've seen comedians before, we have stories about hotels 'cause that's our life, But even in real life I've moved 1 2 times in the last ten years, Ridiculous amount of house moves I've done," "which is depressing, To young men here, you may have heard about how it's the most stressful thing to move, and it is and it isn't," "But there's some upside, and this may bore you because you haven't done it, but there is an upside," "You get to look around other people's houses," "We all like looking around other people's houses," "You can tell by the amount of property shows, whether it's" "Location, Location, Location or Grand Designs." "Property Ladder is my favourite, not just because there's property there but also because uniquely there's an expert that nobody pays any attention to," "Very few television shows employ somebody to go in and go," ""Magnolia", and be completely ignored by the people there who go," ""No, not magnolia, We're going to paint it black, tarmac the floor and then create hooks that people have to drag themselves up," "And we're still going to make 70 grand profit."" "Sarah Beeny's getting furious, going, "It's not real profit!"" "She's pregnant, she's not pregnant, she's pregnant again," "She's like a one-woman continuity disaster area," "You watch Property Ladder going, "Sarah, how long does it take to paint this house?" "You've had three kids in the time that they've been doing up that outside toilet."" "But it is just nice to look into other people's houses," " How many of you live in a house?" " [cheering]" "The majority, How many of you live in a house that has a ground floor?" " [cheering]" " The majority of you," "Here's a little hint, a little request:" "put up some curtains or some blinds or Venetians or something, and if you're not going to do that, don't have a miserable puss on your face staring out when I stare in, [laughter]" "I can't understand people who look miserably at you when you look into their house," "Put up some curtains or I'm looking into your fecking house," "Don't get me wrong, I don't vault over the garden wall and run up to the window and squeak my face across the glass, [squeaks]" ""l like what you've done with the place."" "If you're walking past a house, it has no curtains, you look in," "People are always sitting there going, "What the fuck are you doing?"" "I'm sorry, I'm going to look in," "Just 'cause you're sitting there reading like a slut," "You knew I was going to look in, didn't you?" "Put up some curtains," "Otherwise, it's like cleavage on the front of your house," "I'm going to look in, Here's the most extreme example of that," " Has anyone been in Miami?" " [scattered cheers]" "A few of you have, Did you do that boat trip where you see famous people's houses?" "You did," "For those of you who haven't seen it, Miami is a collection of archipelagos and islands and bits of land and loads of water," "And there is one part that's just houses owned, incredibly expensive houses owned by American celebrities like Gloria Estefan and Shaquille O'Neal and all these people who live on this island," "It's incredibly private, You can never drive up to it or walk up to it 'cause there's men with guns and shutters and all sorts of protection," "But all the houses back onto the water," "So every hour, four times an hour, boats pull up to the bottom of the garden and a guy goes, "That's Gloria Estefan's house."" "Everyone in the boat goes, "Ooh!" Click, click, click, click, click," "And they play a bit of Gloria Estefan, [laughter]" "You're going, "What manner of idiot is Gloria Estefan to spend 20 million dollars on a house so that every 1 5 minutes she's doing the drying-up in the kitchen and a fucking boat pulls up to the bottom of the garden and a voice goes, 'Gloria Estefan'?"" "And 400 people go, "Ooh!" Click, click, click," " R.hythm is gonna get you - [laughter]" "It does, It's very addictive," "And if it's bad for her, two doors up from her lives this guy, Not a celebrity, just a rich guy, Johnny Vanfoogle Moogle of the Vanfoogle Moogle Finance Corporation, The boat pulls up to his garden," ""This house is owned by Johnny Vanfoogle Moogle of Vanfoogle Moogle Finance."" "And the entire boat goes, "Oh, I've never heard his singles," "I've never seen his movies, An idiot, I don't like him at all."" "How quickly would you go insane if you spent 20 million dollars on a house and you're sitting on a deck chair in your garden just looking out and a fucking boat pulls up to the bottom of the garden and 400 people" " look at you and go, "You're shit." - [laughter]" "You'd go mad, You'd be at the end of the garden flinging your own poo at the boat by the end of the first week, You'd be going, "l know I'm not famous," "I know I'm not Gloria Estefan, but I know Gloria Estefan," "See that strimmer?" "That's Gloria Estefan's," "I'm not giving it back to her." [imitating strimmer]" "The people there, you were on that boat," "Did you see any famous people?" "You didn't," "Oh, it's a rare treat, We saw Gloria Estefan, Mm," " She swam with the boat, - [laughter]" "It was magical, She suddenly shot out of the water, and everyone went, "There's Gloria." The boat sped up and Gloria was shooting in front of the water and she went under the boat," "We ran to the other side, she popped up and you could reach down and stroke her," "Her skin was like tarpaulin, like leather, It was smooth but hard," "A kid in the boat was a bit simple in the head," "They lowered him into the water and she swan with him for a while," "It seemed to calm him down," "At the end, she shot out of the water and the rest of the Miami Sound Machine shot out of the water behind her," "I may be mixing it up with a different holiday, [laughter]" "But you want to look around these houses if you're moving," "There are things you don't want in a house," "When you're moving, whether you bought it or not, there's things you don't want," "What's the one thing you don't want to have happened in a house before you move in?" "Murder, Always murder, Every night, murder," "You don't want an estate agent going, "This is bedroom number one and this is bedroom number two," and he opens the door and there's plates spinning in every direction and a voice going, "Avenge me, avenge me."" " [laughter]" " The estate agent goes," ""Mainly storage," and then walks out, [laughter]" "What else do you not want to have happened in a house before you move in?" " [man mutters]" " Skid marks in the toilet, [laughter]" "I'm not saying you're mad to say it," "I'm just saying it wouldn't take a lot of cleaning for them or the seller," "It doesn't turn up on a HlPs report, Is the house sufficiently insulated and have you given the toilet a bit of a wipe, for Christ's sake?" "Don't judge me, He said skid marks in the toilet," "I didn't say it, I think it's revolting, I'm with you on that one," "Other than skid marks on the toilet and murder," " what do you not want to have happened?" " [crowd shouts]" "Fire, Y es, of course, Who wants to view a house on fire?" "You're walking around going, "It's a bit hot, It's a bit warm."" "They're going, "lt won't be warm for long," "God, Do you mind if we do the rest of it from outside?"" "Murder, fire, skid marks in the toilet, What else?" " [shouting]" " What did you say?" "Floods," " What did you say?" "Ghosts, - [woman] Ghosts," "Like they're going to fucking tell you," "Like they're ever going to go, "It's a south-facing garden," " but boo in the middle of the night!" - [laughter]" "Ghosts, for fuck's sake!" "The estate agent goes, "We have one house,."" " And lightning goes off behind him, - [laughter]" ""But I don't know if you want to stay in the murder house, [cackles, coughs] Sorry, I'll get the keys, Sorry."" "Other than ghosts, flood, fire, skid marks in the toilet, murder, what else?" " [woman shouts]" " What did you say?" "Germans?" "[laughter, applause]" "Whoa!" "I can fucking top that, What did you just say?" " [man] No Irish," " No Irish?" "[laughter, booing]" "Thanks for splitting the fucking crowd," " Sorry, What were you gonna say?" " [man] I'm an Irishman as well," "You're from Ireland?" "I love that, a self-hating lrishman," " [laughter]" " What did you do to your last house?" "Skid marks, you filthy devil?" "Skid marks and ghosts," "You released bees into the bedroom, What the hell did you do to the house?" "You burnt it down, Great, 'Cause the skid marks couldn't be cleaned," ""Fuck it, Let's burn the thing down." Paraffin everywhere," ""Get rid of the thing, I can't be arsed selling this thing."" "[laughter]" "We went to the estate agent and said, "We're looking for a house," "We'd sooner it didn't have any Germans, any Irish, bizarrely, any Irish, any skid marks in the toilet, any ghosts, fire, flood or murder."" "We eventually did get a house," "You're the first audience not to say brothel, Congratulations," "We moved into our house, when we found a house that fulfilled all those very picky requirements that you just mentioned," "We moved into the place, Here's the weirdest thing," "As a 36-year-old man, first time I've ever known my neighbours," "This will happen, In your 20s, when you move house year after year, particularly 'cause you do dodgy wiring and you keep having to move on in case people find you, you don't bother to get to know your neighbours," "You don't bother 'cause you think you're gonna be there for a year, Who cares?" "I moved into this place, suddenly neighbours came round in a "Here's a potted plant, here's a bottle of wine, let it die, drink it, knock yourself out, Welcome to the area."" "In a way that I found just disorientatingly friendly," "I go, "What?" "Oh, Yeah, Thanks, Hi." I've never had that before," "Luckily for me and my cynical nature, there was one nice weird thing about it," "We know these people and these people and these people and these people," "We know nobody from the other side of the road," "None of them have come over and said hello," "I live in a residential area, It's not like they're gonna go," ""We'd love to go over and say hello but we might get hit by the monorail."" "We went out with these people, There were drinks, We met up with everyone and I got tipsy and mischievous and said, "Does anyone know anyone on the other side?" They go, "l don't know anyone."" "No one knew anyone on the other side of the road," "I wanted to get a posse together where we'd march across to one house randomly and ring a doorbell until they came out," ""Are we not good enough for you?" "Are we not good enough for you?" "Stuck-up even-numbered pricks." And walk away," "But now that I know the neighbours, you kind of feel, "First time, Should I get involved at a local level?" "Should I get involved in the community?" I'm of a generation that doesn't really do community, We do communities in a MySpace, bibo, that kind of community," "Facebook, perfect example, For those who don't have it, it's like having a butler," "Previously my friends would email me, Now they email Facebook and Facebook emails me," "It's like he walks in with a tray, "John sent you a letter."" "I go, "Not now, Facebook, I do not wish to hear from John."" "But actual community?" "I don't know how that works," "My parents did it for years in Ireland, Nothing happened in my town that my parents didn't know about, That was all parish stuff, and I can't do parish stuff because I'm an atheist," "We're not popular on parish committees," "We have a tendency to produce short but very popular nativity plays, where a child walks out and goes, "There is no God,"" " and then walks in again, - [laughter]" "They get tense about that on the parish committee," "But, generally, I don't know what parish I'm in," "Who knows what parish you're in?" "Unless you catch the priest marking out" "Inis territory by spraying onto a wall," "Then other priests smell it and go, "Jesus, no O'Connells," and back away," "That's a joke I don't do in Ireland, by the way," "I tried it a few times in Ireland but they did not..." "We're not as into priests as we used to be but there was a reaction to me saying priests use their smell glands to mark out the parameters of a parish, They thought that was a bit much," "They do, In my area, they're feral, Ridiculous, You can't get them out," "I caught one at the bins the other night, I pulled my car into the driveway and in the headlights, the priest was there and he went... [hisses]" "And then he hopped through the garden and it was amazing," "But actual community stuff, I don't know how that works," "I don't know how that works, I don't know what the organisations are," "What is the big one in the area?" "What is the big neighbourhood organisation?" " [crowd shouts]" " Neighbourhood Watch," "Neighbourhood Watch has been around as long as I've been alive," "What in the name of Christ is Neighbourhood Watch?" "Is it just a sticker?" "Is that all?" "Do you put up the sticker and, like vampires, burglars are repelled magically by the sight of the sticker, or do you get a gun or a stick or a Taser or some sort of walkie-talkie where you go," ""Jesus, Mick, there's someone in your garden," " Relax." "It's only a priest, It's OK." - [laughter]" ""What do you do?" "This time of year it's terrible," "Spray them with a hose, it's the only language they understand, apart from Latin, They also understand that."" "Is it just watching?" "That seems like more of an insult then anything else," "Come back after holidays and your neighbour goes," ""l wouldn't go in there." And you go, "Why?"" ""They took everything, There's nothing left in there."" ""How do you know?" "We watched, They pulled a van up and they took it, hcredible to watch, They couldn't get into the attic," "I lent them a ladder, I'll not see that again."" "Or are you supposed to get involved, pitch in, whatever?" "I ask this question at every gig, I'll ask it again," "Has anyone ever interrupted a crime?" "You did?" "Hang on, Mr Fucking I Hate The Irishman, What was the crime?" "A jeweller's two doors from me, the fella stole a ring," " The guy stole a ring?" " Yes, and I chased him up the street," "You chased him up the street?" "Whoa, Let's rewind here for a second," "You can put the hand down, It's not a classroom situation," "It's good to have you here..." "Now we're both doing it," "You've started me doing it, For a second, down, No!" "Fucking stop!" "Fuck, down, right, Both of us," "There's a guy two doors up from you stole a ring?" "I presume he doesn't live two doors up, He went into the house?" "There's a jeweller's two doors up from me," "He'd have rings, That would be harsh if you went," ""What are you doing with all the rings?" "I'm a jeweller."" "There was a fella that wasn't a jeweller, He went into the jeweller's," " He took a ring that wasn't his," " That wasn't his?" "That is almost a dictionary definition of ring theft," "It couldn't be better expressed, A man went into a jeweller's who wasn't himself a jeweller, therefore had no right to take that, Wasn't buying it," "Inadn't excchanged money for it, took a ring that wasn't his," "Where were you, in the jeweller's?" " No, I was in my shop," " In your shop, What kind of shop?" " [woman laughs, man laughs]" " It's a laughing shop!" "You sell waves, Is that what you do?" "It's grand," "You're not going to tell me what your shop is?" " I fix shoes as well," " You fix shoes as well?" " Nothing to do with him," " You're like a little posse?" "Yeah!" "[man] Nothing to do with him," "So you see a guy, you hear the commotion of somebody stealing a ring?" "My friend who owns a jeweller's, he..." ""Ah!" Like that," "Ahhhh!" "Did he want to call forth the animals of the world?" "Ahh!" "And off in the African plains elephants go, "Mm?"" "Then they head off," ""Tarzan the jeweller has been robbed, We shall go there." Ah!" "So the cobbler ran after the thief going, "My shoes are better then his, His shoes will give out at some stage," "But the exccellent leather uppers of mine will keep me running for many hours."" " How long did you keep running for?" " It wasn't that long," "It wasn't that long?" "OK, Is that from here to here?" " Or is it... ?" " Not as far as that," "Were you there for this?" "Why the fuck didn't you run after him?" " You're younger than he is," " I ran after him!" "You ran after him?" "That makes no fucking sense, What, with a spare pair of shoes?" ""Here, try these, these are faster!" "Thank you!"" "So now there's a jewellery thief being followed by two cobblers," "You should have brought the guy out with a hammer, That would have scared the jewellery thief, Advancing like Pac-Man down the road," " Did you catch him?" " Y es," "You did?" "What did you do to him?" "Don't laugh at that bit," "That sounds fucking sinister, "What did we do to him?"" "I actually brought him back to the jeweller's," "Did you make him give back the ring?" " No, he ran away again," " He ran away again?" "You weren't going to tell me that bit of the story," " The guy ran away, got away," " We caught him again," "You ran after him again?" "Like a cat with a mouse?" ""We'll give you a head start, now we're after you again."" ""Stop fucking running after me!" "We've got you again!"" " How often did you catch him and run?" " Twice," " Only twice, Did he get done for it?" " Yeah," "Well done to the cobblers," "The cobblers, protecting the city against crime," "There's a crime-fighting outfit," ""With these magical shoes, we can chase anyone down any number of times."" "Every night I ask that question 'cause there's always brilliant stories," "Like the stories in every audience, In Ireland, there's a tendency to be a tiny bit more whimsical," "There was a woman in Dublin who said, "Somebody was stealing my tomatoes."" "I said, "How did you know?" She said, "The alarm went off."" ""Fuck, you take those tomatoes seriously."" "You have a matrix of lasers that you have to get like Ocean 's Eleven." "You have to somersault your way through," "Can't do it in these, They're too tight," "And then I came to England thinking, "Will this bit work as well?"" "It does, Everyone has great stories about this," "I was slightly nervous 'cause the Irish will yab-yab-yab, We're grand for talking," "My first gig was in Coventry in the Warwick Arts Centre," ""Anyone interrupted a crime?" "A guy goes, "l have."" "I said, "Here we go, What was it?"" "He said he walked into his house, up his drive, and there was a man stealing his wife's car, I said, "What did you do?"" "He said, "l shouted," The car thief climbs into the car," "The thief is in the car with the car door locked and the guy is outside," "I said, "Quite the standoff, How did it resolve itself?"" "The man goes, "l punched in the window, pulled your man out of the car, dragged him into the house and tied him to a chair."" "[laughter]" "Now, I'm looking at your man going, "Fucker, let's keep it light," "It's a comedy show, Did anything amusing happen about this?"" "And your man goes, "Yes, I asked my wife to fetch me a meat cleaver," "And she brought me a carving knife!"" "And he said it in an "Oh, the little featherhead" kind of way, as if he'd spent ten minutes cutting at your man's ear," "looking at his wife going, "Am I cleaving?" "Does this look like cleaving?" "No, I am carving the ear off."" "And the way it resolved itself, this hideous situation, was that the guy robbing the car wasn't on his own, He had a mate with him," "His accomplice ran to the police going, "I'm a car thief but my mate is being tortured in that house over there."" "The police knocked and said, "ls there a thief?"" "Your man opened the door and said, "Oh, hello..." "Y es," "It's only a carving knife."" "I don't know if I'd do that for my community," "I don't know them well enough to risk everything," "I kind of also..." "Even though I've been here six, seven years at this stage," "I kind of also feel I don't fully feel like I'm at home here," "I apologise if this seems distant, I do on some very subconscious level that I've just recognised regard you as a foreign country," "And I've only just noticed that, and I don't mean to push you away," "I just mean a thing happened, I noticed a thing that I still do," "I live here, I'm married to an English woman, I speak the language, we converse all the time, it's the same language, I understand that," "But yet, for some reason, every time I send a letter home..." "Other Irish people might still do this as well," " Are there any Irish people here?" " [cheering]" "I don't know how long you've been here, but do you do this?" "When you send a letter, do you still write, "Mammy's house," "Mammy's street, Mammy's town" in your normal handwriting, and then write Ireland in massive capital letters at the bottom?" "As if I walk into British post offices and slam the envelope up against the glass and then reach my hand in and go, "Hey, hey, hey, you, Hey, you," "See this bit here?" "You don't have to worry about that bit at all," "That's not for you, Just get it to Ireland," "They'll know what to do with it there."" "Which is just stupid, ridiculous," "But we're very aware of retaining our identity and not losing that, I mean, I can't change my accent," "I can't let my accent change 'cause I live over here," "People in Ireland would kill me," "Sometimes there's nothing I can do, Certain things you just say differently," "You don't have the letter "oar"," "You use the letter R, which performs many of the same duties, but I really don't know how you can survive," "I've got two letter "oars" in my name, I spell it out on the phone over here and I go, "D-A-Oar", People go "Oar?" "Like an oar?" "I draw a picture of an oar?" "What kind of hieroglyphic, pictographic shite is this?"" "There's an oar and then a man walking like that and then a moon and then a cat," "And I go, "R", and they go, "Good!"" "It's like when you book train tickets and you use those character codes you read out with the confirmation, with different letters and numbers," "When there's an accent or a bad phone line a lot of letters sound the same," "B sounds like D sounds like E sounds like G," "So you've got to use that A for Alpha, B for Bravo, C for Charlie thing, which is fine, We all know A for Alpha, B for Bravo, C for Charlie," "We kind of improvise the others as the situation demands it," " P for Pneumonia, - [laughter]" "I'm on the phone to bmi, I'm on the phone to bmi," "I have one of these codes in front of me and the woman says," ""What's the first character?" "It's a G."" "She goes, "B?" "D?" And I go, "No, G, G, G for,."" "Blank!" ", I suddenly can't remember a single word in the English language that begins with a G, There must be some," "It's not like a dictionary with a really good F like filibuster and fenestration, and then you turn the page and it's blank," "You turn it again and the Hs start with "hardvark'"," "There has to be something beginning with a G," "So I'm looking at this thing going, "G for,."" "I have a moment of inspiration and I go, "G for G-string."" "[laughter]" "And the woman on the other end of the phone gets really tense," "You can hear her hand over a big red button marked "Record for training"," "And she goes, "Golf", and I went, "Let's move on."" "She said, "What's the next character?" It's a B," "It's the middle of the World Cup, so I went, "B for Brazilian."" "Now she's slamming the button down," "She's going, "Bravo." I went, "Thank you very much."" ""No, B for Bravo." I said, "What did I say?" "Oh, my God, I just said G-string," "Brazilian to this woman,"" "She goes, "What's next?" I don't want to tell her 'cause I can see the next letter and it's a V," "Suddenly there is no dictionary, There are no choices of words beginning with V, There's just a giant neon sign flashing inside my head going, "Vagina, vagina, vagina!"" "And I'm going, "l cannot say G-string, Brazilian, Vagina," "There must be another word in the English language that begins with a V," "Sure, vulva, No fecking help at all."" "I'm going, "l can't say G-string."" "She's going, "V for Bravo?" I go, "l fucking wish it were!" "What I wouldn't give for it."" ""Give me their tickets just to get out of this conversation," "I don't care where or what holiday, I'll go there," "Just give me their tickets!" "V for what?"" "I'm going, "Don't say vagina." She goes, "What?"" " I panic and go, "Fanny," - [laughter]" "Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a joy, Thank you very much, good night!" "[cheering]" "Listen, Can I just quickly say one thing?" "Oi!" "Not so fucking fast, putting on a coat just there," "I saw you, Technically speaking, it's not an encore," "Nobody said the word, On every row there's people going, "What the fuck?" "," "Are we finished?"" "Just very, very quickly, very, very quickly," "I just want to say thank you, I know you're thinking," ""Who the fuck are we thanking?" "It's not a big show, It was just you," "We've thanked you already, Who the fuck are we thanking now?"" "I know you're thinking, "Was there a choreographer?" "There was a choreographer at the bit where you walked?" "Fantastic."" "No, There are people that you need to get a show like this done, people you need to get the whole thing working, Who do you need?" "I won't do a show, I cannot do a show unless I know that if a situation goes hideously wrong and we get trapped in the theatre for days on end, there is somebody who can get at a large amount of food ready to eat," "It's vital to me that there is some sort of croissant, maybe some meat, some cheeses, something exccitingly fresh, maybe 1 6 minutes of freshness left in it that he can get, from Harrow, drive down and open the back of the doors and we'll be fed!" "Luckily, such a man exists, and he was in the room tonight," "A man with a van, he has food for the Eurostar," " give it up for my friend in the front row!" " [cheering]" "People say to me, "That's all very well, man having a van, but how the fuck is he gonna power the van?" "Is it just on goodwill alone?" "Where the fuck are we gonna get petrol to bring the van from Harrow?"" "There's one place in this country where we can find enough petrol to bring a van, one place, if we're brave, if we're brave and there will be blood," "If we're brave enough to dig right here, right here in the Berkshire countryside, then I guarantee that black gold will come spouting forth," "That's my proposal and I put it to the proposal manager here," " the oil man from Reading!" " [cheering]" "People say, "That's all very well, We've got the van, we've got the oil," "But who's going to do the programming for the lT for the finance?"" "All the way from Limerick, give it up for the lT finance man!" "[cheering]" "People say to me, "It's a big show, Look at the size of the theatre," " It's enormous, How is it illuminated?" - [laughter]" " It's a magical story, - [laughter]" "In the beginning, far underground, there are vast pools of light tended by unicorns and griffins who fly across them, and then occasionally a foraging band of imps will climb down and will stick them into sacks, Then they'll climb into magical elevators" "and they'll throw them out to the world," "I know one man who manages an army of those imps," "He is the most magical electrician-ologist that the nation has ever produced," "And it's going to be beautiful to watch his career, He's only 1 5," "Maybe he'll find out that this is not the way it works or maybe he won't," "Why would we shatter his illusions?" "Give it up for the kid from school!" "[cheering]" "People say to me..." "People say to me, "You're a long time standing up on stage," "You must have some tremendously comfortable shoes."" "I do and they're large, You cannot get normal shoes," "I'm size 1 3, ladies and gentlemen, For that we need a special type of cow, a super-cow, a cow grown only under the watchful eye of a man who knocks a hammer on a nail repeatedly just looking at the cow," "just waiting for the cow to make a mistake," "The notion of two cobblers running down the street after a jewel thief, then catching the jewel thief, then releasing him, taunting him and then running again," "That will stay with me for a long, long time," "Our streets are safer than they've ever been 'cause some men with a tiny hammer and a lot of keys..." "You can probably cut them as well, I'm guessing you can do key cutting," "Ironic if you're a crime-fighter that this is your front, that you cut keys," "The guy who robbed the jeweller's goes," ""Could you cut that?" "Lovely, don't ask questions."" "And then went into the jeweller's and you mop up your own mess," "Where would we be without the crime-fighting cobblers?" "Give it up!" " [cheering]" " It's been a pleasure to talk to you," "You've been a fantastic audience, Thank you very much!" "Good night, See you again," "Thank you very much, thank you very much, We'll see you again, good night," "Good night, folks, see you again."