"I, as a citizen of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republic am joining the ranks of the USSR's armed forces." "I take this oath and swear solemnly to be an honest, courageous, disciplined and vigilant soldier;" "to faithfully maintain state and military secrets;" "to observe the terms of the Soviet constitution and its laws." "The decree of the Council of Ministers of the USSR of the 25th of September, 1990, number 961, Moscow, Kremlin... regarding the honourable discharge from the armed forces of the USSR of servicemen who have carried out their prescribed term of active duty" "and regarding the conscription of new recruits for winter 1990" "Congratulations, Comrade Sergeant." "The Council of Ministers decrees to give a honourable discharge to those servicemen" "who have carried out their prescribed term of active duty" "Give us discharge!" "We want our walking papers!" "Wake up, freaks!" "I can't see your happiness!" "Reveille, shitheads!" "Move your asses!" "Everybody up and out!" "Faster, faster!" "Work with the knees." "Don't stick your ass out." "Catch up with Petrushyn." "Higher!" "Higher!" "The Sergeant's coming." "Clear out!" "Get in bed!" "Now!" "And shut up!" "Orderly!" "Lick everything clean in here." "I want it to shine like a tom-cat's balls by morning." "So you wanna get your beauty sleep?" "Get up!" "Move, motherfuckers!" "Everybody to the mess hall!" "Do you need a fucking invitation?" "Our player passes to the center." "Our player has the puck again." "He passes to the left." "A pass to the center." "Look at him go!" "Haven't let go of mommie's apron strings, have you?" "So, you think you know what the army is all about, don't you?" "When I was in your place, I scurried around like a fucking mouse carrying out orders." "I serve the Soviet Union!" "Petrushyn!" "What day is it today?" "It's Command Day!" "And what do you say to a civilian?" "Thank you, Petr Andreyevich!" "Good stuff!" "Move out - 45 seconds." "Thank you, Petr Andreyevich." "Where do you think you're going?" "Get back." "Thank you, Petr Andreyevich." "Attaboy!" "Move out." "Another crucial play." "He scores!" "Thank you, Petr Andreyevich!" "Fucking A." "Me wants learning Russian because Lenin speaking it." "Move out - 45 seconds." "Thank you, Petr Andreyevich!" "Don't mention it." "I don't get it." "What's with you?" "All right, carry me over to the table." "Come on!" "Did you see that, men?" "Fire at the Ukrainian nationalist pig!" "Insulting his superior." "How dare you?" "Take this!" "See the kind of recruits we get now?" "That's enough!" "Take this, asshole!" "Shut your trap!" "Bilyk, say "thank you" and you can go to bed." "No one will lay a finger on you." "I can't hear you." "I can't hear you, Bilyk!" "Can't hear you, Bilyk!" "Shut up back there!" "Ostap, hand me the spoon." "Eat this, Bilyk." "And say "thank you"." "Everybody get out of here." "I won't touch you." "Guys like you end up hanging themselves in here." "Clean up this place." "Fall in line." "Battalion, about face!" "So, wise guys, you think I don't know what happened here?" "Thank God I've spent 20 years in the Army, so I know all your dirty schemes." "Koshachiy?" "Yes." "Tell me, why does Bilyk have a fat lip?" "Why do Saidov and Dzhafarov have black eyes?" "I don't know, Comrade sir." "I was asleep and saw nothing." "Then why do you reek like a fucking distellery?" "Bunch of criminals!" "Criminals, eh?" "You belong on the chain gang, not in our prestigious battalion." "What are you laughing at, buttheads?" "You're a disgrace to the Soviet army!" "What do the Americans need their missiles for, when you idiots are our only defense." "Quit laughing!" "I was only gone home for a couple of hours to screw my little woman..." "Don't fucking laugh!" "Astapenko, your discharge is as good as lost." "Got it?" "I don't." "Why only me?" "Where's the justice?" "You want justice?" "Attention!" "About face!" "Eyes left!" "At ease!" "I'm fucking tired of repeating myself." "The way a soldier looks says everything about him." "Our enemies should shit their pants and women should get hot at the sight of you." "Tighten your belt, comrade soldier." "Take a look at your seniors." "They look sharp." "They make an impression." "And you rookies?" "Where did you get that black-eye?" "Sergeant, when will you make a civilized man out of this gook?" "He can't understand a fucking thing!" "Well, Saidov?" "One for stone and two for sand, me be master of the land." "Move." "All right." "We march for two hours, and go back to work." "Listen, Sarge, if any of the brass ask for me, tell them I'm working." "Go on, get to work, son." "Stop singing!" "Forward march!" "Keep going!" "Left face!" "Who ordered you to stop, Bilyk?" "The wall made me stop, sir." "So you think you're pretty sharp." "Just when were you booted out of the institute?" "I wasn't expelled." "I dropped out myself." "So couldn't you fly over the wall?" "Stop giggling!" " Boyko!" " Yes." "Do you want to go home with the first detachment?" "Of course!" "Why only Boiko?" "I wanna go too!" "I already told you that your discharge is as good as lost." "Besides, I plan to dress you up as Santa Claus for New Year's." "As fucking Snow-maiden." "Stop it." "So, I'll give you an automatic and you'll shoot all the neighbourhood dogs." "Got that?" "Yes sir!" "As soon as the last dog bites the dust, you'll get your discharge." "Understand?" " You should all be shot, you fuckers!" " Koshachiy!" "Your discharge depends on how well you train the reserves." "Make a special effort with Bilyk, since he's such a wise-ass." "We'll talk about the others later." "The principles of the Soviet Army reflect the policies of the Communist Party and the government of the USSR." "Our goals are humane and geared toward world peace." "One of the primary reasons behind our insistence" "on a constantly vigilant and well-armed force is the ever-present adherence of the most reactionary forces of imperialism" "to an aggresive strategy." "Look." "It's you." "Hey!" "What's so funny?" "Just you try laughing again." "Imperialistic propaganda attempts to condition our thought and feelings;" "to suppress our love for the Motherland and to create hostility between our peoples." "Saidov, what are these fucking hieroglyphics?" "Get up!" "So, what now?" "Maybe you need to introduce yourself." "Your name?" "You no understand?" "But you understand, when you're told to eat?" "What is your name?" "!" "Sit down!" "Stand!" "Sit!" "Stand!" "Sit!" "Dress!" "Attention!" "That's it." "Stand a while." "So, Petrushyn, have you found New York?" "Carry on." "Right, put down topic number sixteen" ""Perestroika and the Army"" "We've got four hours to go over it." "The processes of Perestroika have touched..." "Bilyk." "Bilyk!" "Get up!" "Private Bilyk, repeat what I just said." "What?" "Are you another non-Russian cretin?" " Koshachiy?" " Yes." "Do you give a fuck about your duties?" "Don't you want your discharge at all?" "I don't see you working hard." "You don't work hard enough on Bilyk." "Sorry." "I'll do better..." "Yeah, right." "And you work on this:" "pick up a mop, a rag and get your ass in gear!" "What are you gaping at?" "Did Lesha send you?" "Lesha?" "The captain." "Did he send you to wash the floor?" "Come in." "I..." "I'll come back." "Why are you breaking form?" "Stand at attention!" "They sent us children, not soldiers." "Whose laundry are you doing, Petrushyn?" "My own, sir." "EGOROV" "Oh, you Petrushyn." "Get the greenhorns together in the common room." " Petrushyn!" " Sir!" "Why were you washing Egorov's uniform?" "Is he retarded and can't do it himself?" "He asked me." "Asked you?" "Next time he asks you to do something, you come to me." "Say "Please sir, this son of a bitch asked a favour again"." "And I'll give him shit, got that?" "Yes sir!" "Which one of these assholes gave you a black eye?" "Let me guess, you fell on your face." "Did Astapenko punch you?" "No, he didn't." "Next time he hits you, you tell me right away." "We'll kick his ass, OK?" "Who gave you a fat lip?" "I couldn't see." "It was dark." "You're a fucking fool." "I'll give you 24 hours." "Think carefully and write down the names of the bad-asses who did this to you." "You don't have to sign the paper." "Just drop it off in the complaints box." "Well, why the long faces, scouts?" "Never mind, boys." "Your day will come!" "That's all for today." "Off you go!" "Bilyk, come back." "Come in." "Sit down." "I need your help." "I won't rat on anybody, sir." "In the Soviet army, we speak the almighty Russian language!" "Well, alright." "If it amuses you to yap in that bumpkin language, go ahead" "I'm a former Ukrainian myself." "As for squealers, I hate their guts too." "You can think of yourself as the mailman." "You'll cruise down to the post office, the station..." "You'll be sitting pretty." "But you have to help me." "How can I "help" you?" "Look at it this way." "Let's say a soldier gets a letter from home." "It says that his Mashka was gang-banged by ten of his fellow villagers." "He's an 18-year old dork who thinks that his Mashka's the only cunt in the world." "He's ready to blow his brains out." "I have to know about his emotional state." "It's a worthy cause." "You understand, don't you." "It's despicable to read other peoples' mail, sir." "Okay, get lost, you smart-ass!" "Remember, though:" "if you help me out, no one will dare to touch you." "It's me, sir." " Is that you, Boiko?" "¦ That's right!" "Look at this, sir!" "Well, well." "Keep it up." "You may learn at least something in the army." "Asshole." "Assume position." "Stand up." "Start excercising." "One, two, three, four..." "Bilyk, get your act together." "One, two, three, four..." "Continue on your own." "Egorov!" "Egorov!" "Can you see the walking papers from up there?" "Your walking papers are as good as lost!" "I'm fed up with this place!" "I'd fucking walk home if they let me go." "At home, people are harvesting potatoes..." "For a goddamned Belarusian, happiness means fucking potatoes." "Our potatoes feed your whole dog-hungry Russia." "What?" "Don't give me that bullshit!" "Guys!" "A broad!" "A broad?" "No shit?" "What broad?" "Hey, girl!" "Take me away from here, baby!" "Oh shit!" "Everybody out." "Move your asses!" "I'm asking you for the last time." "Who's responsible for this?" "Koshachiy!" "Sir!" "Look, dump all your stuff in here." "Yes sir." "Start with your own things." "You've made a fucking storehouse of your pockets." "You need a filing cabinet for all that paper." "These are my letters!" "You have no right to read those!" "Listen, boy." "You'll have enough of these by the end of your service." "You'll haul them around like a goddamned ton of bricks." "So, I think the logical sequence is:" "The more letters you get from your sweetheart, the cleaner the soldiers' asses will be." "So it's better just to get rid of them." "Like this:" "One, two!" "Any questions?" "What's the use of asking?" "Koshachiy?" "Sir." "You'll get your discharge on the 31st of December." "Fuck!" "To hell with you, asshole!" "You got me screwed again, you fucking maggot." "Get dressed, all of you." "Faster, faster!" "Move your ass!" "You'll be up here all day, fuckhead!" "Petrushyn!" "Get closer." "Come on." "Throw it, Petrushyn!" "Fuck you!" "Mission accomplished." "The enemy tank has been demobilized." "Good job!" "We appreciate your service." "We've got another task for you." "See the barbed wire and the "zone" sign over there?" "Go there, get through and bring me a red and a white wire." "Is that understood, soldier?" "Yes, I understand!" "Good." "Move it!" "Petrushyn!" " Where the hell are you going?" " Alexander Ananievich sent me..." "Go on then!" "Hustle, Bilyk!" "You're wasting time." "Watch it." "Grab a bucket and get on top." "I don't get you, Bilyk." "I told you to grab a bucket and get on top." "Quit faking it." "Enough, I said!" "Get up!" "Look!" "He's croaking!" "If you keep on working so slow," "I'll throw a match at you!" "What?" "You accept?" "Think you're a hero?" "Exactly." "I'll just barbecue your balls then." "I'll fucking fry all your balls." " Bilyk, what the hell are you doing?" " Say your prayers." "Get back!" "It's gonna blow in a minute." "Come down!" "Bilyk!" "Kosha, stop him!" "Bilyk!" "Might as well hang yourself, kid." "Scared you shitless, didn't I?" "It's me, Petrushyn." "Take a look at what I've found!" "There were broads in here, see?" "The guys that launch the nukes are supposed to be so fucking careful." "But they screwed broads in here." "No more America." "London's gone." "Canada's gone!" "There's nothing fucking left!" "If only they would let us off on leave after shooting everything to hell." "My girl messed around with someone." "Besides, I dreamt that we were riding a bike with her straddled on my dick." "Oh well, enough screwing around." "Let's look for those fucking red and white wires," "Or Egorov will come down on us like a sledgehammer." "Are you fucking sleeping?" "Get Bilyk over to the depot." "Move it, gook!" "Bilyk." "What?" "Go to the depot." "What's at the depot?" "The senior officers?" "Yes." "Drunk again?" "Oh God!" "I'll get this safe busted, get my papers and I'm on my way home." "I'm with you, Kosha." "I've got my walking boots on." "Home, sweet home." "Let me help." "Wait..." "We need something to blow this up with." "My papers are in there." "You will get your discharge on the 31st of December on the last stroke of midnight." "What's that, you freak!" "Have you gone completely nuts?" "!" "Have you shot down all the dogs already?" "So you're here, you fucking kamikaze!" "Get in here!" "I get shit because of you everyday." "Get up and stand straight!" "Why are you talking to him for?" "He almost got us all killed." "What are you smiling for?" "Thank you." "Are you mocking me?" "That's enough, men!" "Orderly's coming." "Get off him!" "Move!" "Ostap, hide the bottle!" "You just lie there." "Don't make a sound." "So, where's your orderly?" "There no orderly." "It's not nice to deceive your companions in arms." "I'm getting tired of defending the Motherland." "Everyone up!" "Reveille!" "Up and out!" "Let's move!" "Kosha, what time is it?" "It's four." "Come on!" "What's this alarm?" "How am I supposed to know?" "Come on." "On the double, shitheads!" "Get into formation!" "Move it!" "Hurry up!" "Get your asses in gear!" "Fall in!" "Attention!" "Colonel, the battalion is ready and waiting." "Deputy battalion commaned, first lieutenant, captain Golikov." "Hello, comrades!" "Good morning, comrade sir!" "I extend my greetings to you all on this fine day commemorating the Soviet constitution." "Halt!" "Why are you in formation?" "Walk by yourselves." "We're celebrating democracy today." "Disperse!" "Hold on!" "Don't fall, you shit!" "COMPLAINTS AND PROPOSALS BOX" "Sorry to bother you, Alexander Sergeyevich, but do you know where private Bilyk is?" "Who?" "Private Bilyk?" "At the disco, spinning plates." "Understood!" "Hey, DJ!" "The sergeant wants you." " May I?" " Come in." "Sit down." "You don't look so hot." "Your face is a mess and you've got a fat lip again." "Didn't see anybody this time either?" "I did." "Who was it?" "Petrushyn checked me with his elbow when we were playing volleyball." "Speak Russian!" "I see you don't want to help me." "Not everyone is as big and idiot as you are." "There are those who delivered information." "I'm a human being, sir." "Don't insult me." "Speak Russian, goddammit!" "A human being, you say." "You're a piece of shit." "Get out!" "Mark my words, asshole, only those that learn to kiss ass survive in the army." "Out!" "Orderly!" "Vishnevsky, clean up my room!" "Orderly!" "Get Bilyk in here!" "You've come." "Take this hot-water bottle and the cash." "You'll go get booze." "For us to celebrate." "Do you know where to go?" "Straight down the road through the forest to the station." "There's a store there." "Don't be late for the mess call." "Wait!" "Take my jacket." "Thank you." "Are you nuts?" "He's gonna snitch on you." "No, he won't." "We reached Berlin." "You should take Washington." "Understand?" "Cheers!" "Look!" "A soldier!" "Hey, soldier!" "Come over here!" "Let's beat the shit out of him!" "How's the service, soldier?" "Fine." "You look a bit done over." " Where are you from?" " From Ukraine." "So you're a goddamned nationalist pig!" "Russian bastards!" "Get over here, soldier!" "Follow him!" "Take it easy!" "Let the bastard run for a while!" "Belts." " Shoe-laces." " I've got my boots on." " Cigarettes, matches." " I don't have any." " Any sharp objects?" " No." "You are jailed for 10 days by order of the commander." "The water's coming." "Go right." "I've brought you water." "I'd be better if you brought some fucking food!" "You'll get to eat tomorrow." "Sit down!" "Comrade Sergeant, I already have short hair." "Take off your jacket!" "My girl's supposed to visit me soon." "It's not as if I was going to shave your groin, you dumbass!" "Don't move, or I'll nick you!" "Turn around!" "Now you look like a human being." "A real Ukrainian punk." "Cossack, I think your sweetheart will love it." "Alright, follow me, you fucking freak." "Leave the jacket here." "It's gonna be warm in your cell, real warm." "You will obey all orders and instructions." "Any insubordination involves an additional term of arrest." "Halt!" "Face the wall." "No smoking in the cell." "Reveille is at five, lights out at eleven." "Hey, belly-robber!" "Let's have some food!" "Bring us our fucking dinner!" "What did you get?" "Ten days." "How long have you served?" "Six months." "Listen, Siava." "We've got a rookie." "You'll clean the pisshole, kid." " Got a smoke?" " No." "That's bad, fucking bad." "No matter." "You'll get some for us." "You know, you should always listen to me and Siava." "Got it?" "We're a cut above you in here." "Big time ass-kickers." "Get the message?" "Hey belly-robber!" "We wanna eat!" "Get our dinner!" "Give us our food, motherfucker!" "Our stinking slop!" "Son of a bitch!" "We wanna stuff our faces!" "We wanna eat, you scum!" "Why didn't you join in with your mates, boy?" "I didn't want to." "You'll yell all by yourself now!" ""Fucking scum, give us food!"" "Go to hell, fuckhead!" "That's no way to talk to your superiors, kid!" "Who in here hollered for food?" "He did." "You, little Cossack?" "Bring it in." "Why the long face?" "Your hair looks like it needs cutting." "Enjoy!" "Yet again this puree is from poisonous plants." "Hey green-ass, let's swap!" "I'll give you my potatoes and you give me your fish." "What do you say, Siava?" "Is the tea made from poisonous plants too?" "No, it's full of bromide." "It makes us stop wanting women." "What about men?" "He's getting weird again." "He's just passing through." "For some reason he can't make the loony bin." "Is he ill?" " What?" " Is he ill?" "He fakes being crazy." "He puts on a good act, though." "So, did you clean the pisshole?" "Now we'll all watch some TV." "The news is on." "When I come back, you'll tell me what was said." "It's a dog's life." "I've been in this cell for 13 days." "I've forgotten my own mother's name." "Don't touch me." "I love green grass." "Take your stone." "Shut up, you freak." "Leave me my bread." "What the fuck?" "Have you really gone nuts?" "Snake!" "Snake!" "Don't touch me, snake!" " Who's yelling?" " It was probably this one, comrade." "If you're really sick, to hell with you." "But if you're faking it, I'll fix it so you'll crack up for real." "I'll make you a fucking vegetable!" "What is this?" "Watching cartoons, are you?" " Disinfect the premises!" " Understood, sir." "Since you understand, carry out the fucking order." "Blow your minds, boys." "How are you feeling, toxin junkies?" "Inmate Bilyk!" "You play chess?" "Yes." "Good." "Let's have a game." "Come on." "Jump to it, Kasparov." "E2-E4." "Here are the pawns." "First channel!" "Good evening, dear viewers." "And now we offer you a song." "Second channel!" "Granny and grandpa are sitting together..." "This is Radio and TV Big-House." "Hurray, dear comrades!" "Hurray, dear comrades!" "Bilyk, are you sleeping?" "Are you cold?" "Come over here." "We'll be warmer together." "Come on!" "You hear?" "Maybe it would be better if I want over there." "We can't let each other die." "We might freeze to death by morning." "Don't be scared of me." "What are you doing?" "I'll kill you, scum!" "Snake!" "I'm asking you for the last time." "Who sent you to get booze?" "Nobody, sir." "I wanted it myself." "Alright." "Turn around." "Drive Boiko to the station." "Look!" "The sergeant is bringing Bilyk back from the slammer." "So, which one of them sent you?" "You've already asked me for the last time." "Fine." "Dismissed." "Koshachiy!" "You've got duty in the boiler room." "The son of a bitch snitched after all!" "I'm free!" "Why'd you stop?" "Keep going." "Maybe you'll wise up by New Year's." "Discharge!" "Three, four, up!" "Finish stuffing your faces." "These are your assignments." "Chief of the guard, sergeant Koshachiy." "First post - "criminal" Bilyk, privates Kolotukhin and Erekhin." "Second post" " Kibalchich, Zolotopukh, Nusubaliyev." "Corporal of the guard Taravitov." "Fall in line." "Attention!" "Eyes left!" "At ease!" "Check on the change of guard!" "Pay special attention to "The Criminal"." "If he skips off after booze, you can waste him." "Stop your fucking giggling!" "Koshachiy, continue!" "Turn left!" "Forward march!" "Wheel right!" "At ease!" "Load your weapons one by one." "Step up." "Mine is loaded and I've got the safety on." "Forward march!" "Come on, move!" "Faster, faster!" "Halt!" "What's this?" "Is your head cold?" "Tidy up, boys!" "Hats on." "Fall in!" "Turn left!" "Keep going straight!" "Assume lying position." "Get down, I said!" "Give me twenty!" "One, two!" "Lower!" "One, two..." "Lower!" "Lower, I said!" "You're a fucking snitch!" "Down!" "Up!" "Into the water!" "Stinking motherfucker!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Go ahead and shoot!" "It's all your fault!" "Your fucking fault!" "Left." "Left." "Left, right left..."