"WOMAN:" "What do you see here?" "DAPHNE:" "It's two bunnies clawing each other to death over a lima bean." "Forgive me, Dr. McCaskill, but this game seems rather silly." "I understand how you might feel that way, but it's helpful to me." "Now, last one." "It's a woman." "Okay, then." "She's skinning a pigeon with a hatchet." "Are we done now?" "I think we still have some work to do." "I just don't think there's any good reason for me to be here." "The judge felt differently." "Oh, what does he know?" "Saying I need anger management." "I'm not an angry person." "I never have been." "Daphne, wasn't it anger that led you to cause that four-car accident?" "Oh, yes, but I was provoked into that." "Mm-hmm." "I'm not angry anymore." "Well, there may be a level of emotion you're not entirely in touch with." "Let's talk about your life in general." "You said you had a fiance?" "Yes, Donny." "He's a wonderful, generous man." "In fact, he did the sweetest thing for me last week, totally out of the blue." "PEOPLE:" "Surprise!" "Welcome to your shower, honey." "Oh, my God, you're trembling." "Yes, well, I'm absolutely blown away." "Oh, come on Daphne." "You were on to us." "No, really." "You had me completely fooled." "We may have an even bigger surprise for you later on." "Oh?" "Yes, but first things first." "Let's get you some champagne." "DAPHNE:" "I'm not usually much for surprise parties, but I could see how much trouble Donny went to." "He invited all my friends, made the food." "He even planned some games." "We played this one game where everyone's in groups, then each group dresses one person in a bridal gown made out of toilet paper." "Can't remember what it's called." ""Toilet Paper Bridal Gown."" "Yes, that's it." "Have you played?" "I'm familiar with it." "Then, you know, as the bride," "I had to judge which group made the best dress while another woman was in charge of... (whistle blows)" "Time!" "Stop right now or be disqualified!" "Designers, present your brides." "Team A." "Ta-da!" "Oh, very nice, Donny." "Team B." "We're not finished yet." "You shouldn't have spent so much time with the sketches." "MEL:" "Team C." "Where's Team C?" "Team C, time!" "(humming "Bridal March")" "You'll notice that I used the quilted variety for the bodice and the edging on the veil." "Well, you all look fantastic, but I think we have a winner-- Team C." "(Team C cheering)" "Oh, Donny, I'm sorry." "Holly, it's not your fault." "I should have been more radiant." "Daphne, listen, if there happens to be another game that we play, do you think you could arrange for me to be on the same team as your friend Holly there?" "Oh, developed a little crush, have we?" "As a matter of fact, I have." "It's just that I haven't had much of a chance to get to speak with her at all." "Well, I'll do what I can, but I'm not really in charge here." "(blows whistle)" "All right, people." "Next game, bridal charades." "(guests moaning and cheering) (doorbell ringing)" "Oh, oh!" "Roz, you know, someday you're going to make a beautiful bride." "'Course, your dress won't be made out of toilet paper." "Or be white." "DONNY:" "Everybody." "Daphne... your big surprise has arrived." "Now, this is someone that I know that you are dying to see." "Your parents?" "No, not till next week." "My mother?" "No, someone good." "My brother?" "Your favorite brother." "Oh..." "Yay!" "Stephen!" "Ste..." "No." "Billy." "Um..." "DAPHNE:" "Michael?" "Well..." "Nigel?" "David?" "MAN:" "Hello." "Thirsty man waiting out here." "Simon." "Hello." "Daphne... come here." "Ah!" "I got you again!" "Everyone, this is my brother, Simon." "ALL:" "Hi, Simon." "Ah, Stilts, aren't you a sight?" ""Stilts"?" "Growing up, I was a bit tall for my age." "Giant, like she was on stilts." "They follow you, Simon." "Yeah, right." "Well, it's nice to meet you all, especially whichever one's the bartender." "Oh, that would be me." "Oh, and a pretty little bartender you are." "Right this way." "After you." "Oh." "I'd rather walk behind you, anyway." "I just love your accent." "It's so sophisticated." "Oh, right." "DONNY:" "Oh, boy, I really screwed up, didn't I?" "Isn't Stephen the favorite brother?" "Yes." "Even I knew that, and I barely listen to her." "I know, I know, I know." "I got the names mixed up, but you have mentioned Simon, too." "Yeah, as a freeloader who just sits around the house drinking beer all day." "Well, that's a lot of people." "You're retired." "You have such a dirty mind." "And that would be a terrible thing to waste." "Uh, Simon..." "Yeah, right." "This is Dr. Frasier Crane and his father, Martin." "Oh, yeah." "Pleasure to meet you." "Simon, how are you?" "Pleasure to meet you." "These are the people I work for." "And you've met my fiance, Donny." "Oh, thanks for flying me over." "Yeah, about that..." "Didn't it seem unusual to you when he called you my favorite brother?" "Mm." "Now that you mention it, it did strike my ear as a bit odd, you being so partial to Stephen." "But then I thought, women change their minds all the time." "Brothers fall in and out of favor." "Maybe it's my turn." "And a good thing, too, as it was an especially good time for me to get out of England." "God, he talks just like a prince." "So, uh, Simon, where are you staying?" "Thanks, mate." "Uh, Donny here says that Frasier's offered to put me up." "Yes, well, I mean, when he told me that he was inviting Daphne's favorite brother," "I-I didn't hesitate." "'Course, well, the sad truth is, we don't really have a bed for you." "Oh, a couch will suit me just fine." "Well, I mean, you wouldn't really be comfortable there for more than a day or two." "Oh, don't worry about that." "I once slept on a couch for three months before I even realized it pulled out." "The main thing is that I spend as much time as possible with my baby sister!" "Oh!" "Simon, look what you did!" "It was my absolute favorite dress-- one I save for special occasions." "He wasn't in the door five minutes before he ruined it." "And yet you still felt responsible for putting him up." "I didn't have much choice." "If I turned him out," "I'd never hear the end of it from Mum." "I'm hearing that your relatives are a source of some anger for you." "So?" "Aren't yours?" "Well, they might be if I still talked to any of them." "Anyway, uh..." "I can see how your brother's presence was adding stress, but what I'm not sure of is how you got from there to causing a four-car pileup." "DAPHNE:" "Well, things got much more difficult once Simon settled into the house." "Good evening, Dr. Crane." "I hope you had a pleasant day." "Where's Simon?" "I think he's out with Mr. Crane again." "They seem to have taken quite a shine to each other." "Simon's introduced him to rugby." "Yes, I really must thank him for that." "After all, poor Dad, before he came, had no sport to watch between the hours of 2:00 and 6:00 a.m." "Did you happen to see the kitchen this morning?" "Yes." "I guess they got some take-out." "It looked like a kung pao bomb went off." "I still have moo shu stuck in the tread of my driving moccasins." "I'm sorry Simon's been such an imposition, but he's leaving soon." "He's decided to tour the West Coast until the wedding." "Oh, Lord, that's a relief." "Yes... (sighs):" "Oh..." "Oh, by the by," "I invited my friend Holly over for drinks tonight." "Maybe you could join us." "Might give you two an opportunity to get better acquainted." "Daphne, if you're offering up your attractive friend as some sort of a peace offering, well, then, I accept." "Perhaps I'd better go and make myself irresistible." "Well, you won't have time for much." "She's on her way now." "Well, it's probably better that way." "You know, give her a fighting chance." "Mr. Crane," "I thought you were out with Simon." "Nope, just Eddie." "Then where's Simon?" "FRASIER:" "Daphne!" "Your brother is in my bed!" "Nude!" "Simon Moon, get out of Dr. Crane's room!" "MARTIN:" "Oh, that poor guy." "He probably just needed a nap." "It's the jet lag." "Couple of days, and he'll be on our time." "A couple more days, he'll be on our sidewalk." "Oh, sorry about that." "I'm a bit sleepy today." "I think I'm coming down with a cold." "(clearing throat and sniffling)" "Nothing another night of drinking won't cure, I'm sure." "Well, let's hope." "Is that my robe you're wearing?" "Yeah, yeah." "You want it back?" "No, no." "It's all right." "I got shorts underneath." "FRASIER:" "Oh, God." "Are those my shorts?" "Well, I didn't think you'd mind." "I found them on the bathroom floor." "Look, if you need to lie down, you can use my room." "Yeah, well, all right, yeah." "Don't forget to wake me for dinner." "I woke you for lunch, didn't I?" "Yeah, right." "(doorbell ringing)" "Oh, dear God, that'll be Holly." "Dad, please, make yourself scarce." "Ah, Holly, hello again." "Hello, Dr. Crane." "Nice to see you again." "Yes, yes, Uh, please, call me Frasier." "Come on in." "Hi, Holly." "I'm glad you could make it." "Me, too." "My boss can be such a pain." "Oh, too bad." "This one here keeps me in stitches all day long." "Wocka-wocka!" "Let me bring you girls some drinks." "Oh, no, no, no, let me get them." "Could you keep Holly company?" "All right, uh..." "Well, Holly... um, please have a seat." "Uh, gosh, uh... you know, we didn't really get much of a chance to talk at the shower, but, uh, let me see..." "You're in the music business, aren't you?" "Yes." "Right now, I'm planning a reggae festival on Mercer Island." "Oh, well, I'll have to remind myself to take the rasta-ferry over to catch it." "Frasier just told the cutest little joke." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I came back as quickly as I could." "Oh, I just remembered I left a tray of hors d'oeuvres on the kitchen counter." "Oh, no, let me, Daphne." "I'm not going to let you wait on me all night." "DAPHNE:" "Well, thank you." "Allow me." "Well?" "Well, I like her." "Actually, you know what?" "I think she likes me, too." "So, are you going to ask her out?" "Oh, now, now, Daphne." "Can't rush things with a girl like Holly." "After all, she's the kind of girl you just don't do that to." "She has to be wooed." "You know, to be honest, this is the-the part of the dance that excites me the most-- the coy verbal volleys, the subtle body language, the probing glances as we explore our mutual passion." "Um... that jacket you're wearing might be a bit too conservative." "Really?" "Why don't you go and change?" "Well, all right, all right." "What do you think, maybe-maybe, uh, maybe a sweater?" "Do you think I'd look more freewheeling in my blue and my...?" "Good God." "He has a cold, you know." "I had no idea that Simon and Holly had gotten so cozy at my wedding shower." "Of course, try telling that to Dr. Crane." "He blamed you for what happened?" "Of course he did." "The tension in the house was just getting worse." "Then two nights later," "I thought I was getting a break from it all." "I had the house all to myself for a change, which was a good thing, because I was meeting Donny's parents the next day." "I decided I'd use the evening to take a nice hot bath, give myself a manicure... you know, how you do." "Dr. Crane, what happened to your concert?" "Simon happened." "I've caught his wretched cold." "I'm just going to go curl up in bed." "After all, if I don't take care of myself, who will?" "Make me some tea and honey, won't you?" "Hey, Daph." "I thought you and Simon were watching the game down at McGinty's." "Nah, the cable went out." "I'll just watch it here." "Then where's Simon?" "He's at the bar." "He met some people." "Oh, listen, if you're going in the kitchen, would you get me a beer?" "He's got a real knack for making friends... and a great storyteller." "Is it true you wet your pants the first time you saw a Chinese person?" "He told you that?" "Oh, he's going to kill me." "He was going to try to work it into his wedding toast." "(shouting and laughter)" "Come on in, make yourselves comfortable." "Hey, Stilts," "I didn't know you'd be home." "God, what a sight." "If you took your teeth out and put them in your pocket, you'd look like Mum." "Oh, sod off, Simon." "Who are these people?" "These are some new friends of mine." "They've come 'round to watch the game." "This is Dan." "This is, uh..." "Judd." "Judd, yeah." "And this here is Paris." "MARTIN:" "Oh, Paris-- does that make you French?" "No, but a couple of beers might." "Brilliant!" "Brilliant!" "(laughter)" "What on earth is going on out here?" "Oh, it's no big deal." "A few people just came over to watch the game." "Well, you might have consulted with me first." "Let's get you back to bed, Dr. Crane." "I'll bring your tea in a minute." "Very well, Daphne." "It seems I've caught a cold from someone." "Well, you might've mentioned that before I took a nap in your bed." "If you don't mind me saying, Marty, you're a saint for putting up with that man." "Your life must be very trying, very trying indeed." "Oh, do not get me started." "(doorbell rings)" "Could someone get that?" "I have a tray to make for Dr. Crane." "Bring out some beers, would you?" "Hi, Simon." "Hello." "Are you ready?" "To go to dinner?" "We made a date." "Of course." "Our date." "Uh, just-just hang on there a minute, uh..." "Hello, Roz." "Roz, yeah." "I forgot where I put me jacket." "Right here." "Right." "Well, I'm just going out for a bit, love." "Make yourself comfortable." "I won't be late." "I don't believe this." "I got dressed up, I got a sitter, and you don't even remember we made a date." "Some classy brother, Daphne." "Now you're making me feel bad." "I'll tell you what-- dinner's on me tonight." "Daphne, can I talk to you for a minute?" "Don't bother, Simon." "Hey, will you keep it down?" "The game's on." "Right." "Daph, how about some snacks?" "Maybe a couple of sandwiches." "Oh, get it yourself." "I have laundry to check on." "Hey, did you do my delicates?" "(huffs)" "I thought I'd cool off while I was in the laundry room, but no such luck." "Look at this!" "My favorite dress ruined!" "(loud cheering)" "Just when I'd gotten the wine stain out, someone pulled it out of the machine and tossed it into a puddle of bleach." "(loud cheering)" "I got them back, though." "I pulled all their clothes out of the dryer and threw them onto the dirty, wet floor." "Oh, what do you care?" "I need a drink-- a big one." "(doorbell rings)" "Oh, that'll be my date again." "I knew she couldn't stay mad long." "Coming, Rose!" "Hi." "Hello, Donny." "Who's this, then?" "My Mom and Dad" " I was picking them up at the airport." "They couldn't wait to meet Daphne." "This is Simon," "Daphne's brother." "Oh, nice to meet you." "Yeah, hello." "How are you?" "Hey, word to the wise:" "Daphne's in a bit of a mood tonight." "Why don't I just let her know that you're here?" "There." "That's the last of that bottle." "Daphne, thanks for bringing in my whiskey." "It's mine if you want it, you'll have to fight me for it, old man." "Honey, honey..." "Um, Mom, Dad, uh... (chuckles nervously)" "This is my fiance... (chuckles)" "Daphne." "Hello." "Donny, I thought we were doing this tomorrow." "Well, I wanted to surprise you." "Why, because your last surprise worked out so well?" "We should have called first." "This is so embarrassing." "I'm such a mess." "Come on, honey, you've looked worse." "Donny!" "Maybe we'd better go." "Oh, no, no, please come in." "The more, the merrier." "(doorbell rings)" "Oh, for God's sake, who the hell is that now?" "She's very lovely." "I know what you did." "Someone saw you leave the laundry room." "You threw all my wet clothes all over the floor!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't realize they were still wet." "Here..." "let me help." "What are you doing?" "Ooh-hoo, that's nice and hot." "WOMAN:" "Stop it!" "What, not fast enough for you?" "Here!" "WOMAN:" "Stop it!" "Maybe if we air-dried them!" "There...!" "That should do it!" "You happy now?" "!" "(horns honking) (tires screeching)" "(cars crashing)" "Fine!" "I guess I'll just have to make my own tea!" "It never occurred to me that stuff would fall on people's windshields." "Well, I can certainly see why you felt provoked." "Thank you." "Now, if the judge had seen it your way, we could have all saved ourselves a lot of time." "There's something that confuses me just a little." "Yes?" "This dress that was ruined-- you keep saying it was your favorite." "That's right." "So... why were you wearing it at your bridal shower?" "Well, it's a momentous event, don't you think?" "But you said it was a surprise." "Well, yes... it was." "So... just what were you expecting when you went over there?" "Daphne." "Right on time." "I'm glad you're here." "Come in." "Let me, uh, take your coat." "I brought the recipe." "Hmm?" "Oh, uh, uh, for, uh, sticky toffee pudding." "Mm, mm, mm." "Well, that's why I'm here, isn't it?" "To teach you to make it?" "Yes." "You're not buying it, are you?" "No, not really." "So, uh... you know why I asked you here tonight?" "I think I do." "I mean, when a man asks you to his house to make pudding on a Saturday night, you..." "Pretty flimsy excuse, wasn't it?" "Well, it got me here." "Well, I'm glad." "Make yourself comfortable." "All right." "ALL:" "Surprise!" "DONNY:" "Welcome to your shower, honey." "(laughing)" "Oh, my God, you're trembling." "Yes, well..." "I'm absolutely blown away." "Oh, come on, Daphne, you were on to us." "No, really... you had me completely fooled." "(others laughing)" "My God..." "Dr. Crane..." "You know, it might be time to start calling him "Niles."" "This is so confusing." "I mean, what about Donny?" "He's the man I love." "Are you sure about that?" "No." "Oh, I have so many questions." "What does this mean?" "What do I do?" "I'm sorry, but our time is up." "# Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' #" "# Tossed salads and scrambled eggs #" "# Oh, my #" "# And maybe I seem a bit confused #" "# Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged #" "(laughing)" "# But I don't know what to do #" "# With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs #" "# They're callin' again. #" "Scrambled eggs all over my face." "What is a boy to do?" "Frasier has left the building."