"Good evening, Haskell." "How was your day?" "It was delightful..." "Peanut." "Aw, that's so cute." "You know, my ex-wife and I used to have pet names for each other." "I used to call her" "I was offering you a peanut, you freak." "Sit down!" "Uh-uh-uh-uh, not there." "That's Phil's seat." "How come he always gets to sit there?" "It's the power seat, and he's the pack leader." "Now, put your head down, pull the sled, and pray for scraps like the rest of us." " Hey." " Oh, oh, the king is here." "Sire, your chair awaits." "I don't know what went down before I got here, but I'm liking your attitude." "What's going on?" " Hey, you guys." " Hi, Holly." "Ooh, hot wings." "Aah-aah..." "Oh!" "Put down the wing, Hask" "Put it down!" "Put it down!" "This happens to be my dinner." "I'm starving." "Holly, you're eating bar food for dinner?" "Well, you know, it didn't seem that pathetic until I heard it out loud." "I'm a very high-paid divorce attorney, okay?" "I don't have time to shop and cook." "You got time to chew and swallow?" "Oh, she's back." " Who's back?" " What?" "Who?" "This woman I've had my eye on." "Oh, which one?" "The blonde with the black dress." "Oh, okay now, she's pretty." " That's some good taste, Stuart." " Thank you." "Thank you." "And I promised myself the next time I saw her," "I was gonna make my move." "All right, you go, man." "Go get her!" " I can't wait." " He's not moving." "Why is he not moving?" "You know, maybe next time." "What?" "You know, Stuart, we all had a rough time dating after our divorces." "And by "we," I mean Haskell." "But we eventually slept with dozens of women." "And by "we," I mean Phil." "Yeah, well, since my divorce," "I haven't even gotten on the scoreboard." "I'm trying to get back out there, but I keep getting shot down." "And that's not exactly a confidence builder." "Sweetie..." "Picking up women isn't rocket science." "I'm gonna show you how it's done." "No, no." "You guys..." "Women do not want cheesy lines and sleazy innuendo." "I mean, we want to be listened to and understood." "We want a man who is smart and sensitive and caring." "No, that's what womenthink they want." "When it comes down to it, you want a man" " who's gonna put it on you." " Ugh." "You want a man who's gonna take you there." "You want a man with a little bit of bow-chicka-wow-wow." "Well, okay, no-- Don't listen to them, Stuart." "Come here." "Come here, listen." "Women are attracted to what's between the ears, okay?" "Just go be your sweet, smart, sensitive self." "Okay." "All right." "Thanks, Holly, I will." "But..." "I don't plan on going in unarmed." "Smile on." "Smile on, women off." "Oh, he's talking to her." "That's good." "Don't look." "Don't look." "She's smiling." "She's laughing." "Oh, I like her." "Oh, she's getting up." "Wait, she's leaving." "Sit down, you bitch!" "Sorry, buddy." "You struck out again, huh?" "Not entirely." "She said to "friend" her on Facebook." "Oh, congratulations." "You got to eighth grade with her." "♪ We lost our homes, we lost our wives ♪" "♪ three strangers, what we gonna do?" "♪" "♪ our divorce lawyer said ♪" "♪ she'd put a roof over our head ♪" "♪ yeah, she came to our rescue ♪" "♪ she's where we go when our hearts are broken ♪" "♪ where we turn when we finally learn ♪" "♪ we lost the battle of the sexes ♪" "Yay." "Oh, Stuart, I'm starving." "Oh, those look great." "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." "Drop the eggs!" "How's it feel?" "Aah!" "Take it." "Take it!" "Take it." "Holly, this is ridiculous." "You can't live on bar food and table scraps." "You need to learn how to cook." "Tomorrow, I'm gonna teach you how to make" " some quick, simple meals." " Okay, sounds good." "Haskell, you gonna eat that bacon?" "We both know that's not a question." "All right, Stuart, bathroom's all yours." "Sorry it took so long, but let's face it..." "It was worth it." "You know, if you would have listened to me last night, you'd be showering at that beautiful baby's apartment." "Uh-uh, honey, you did fine." "You're not helping him." "If he wants to talk to hot chicks, he has to learn how to get his swagger back." "Yeah, I know, he needs some chitty-chitty-boom-boom." "It's bow-chicka-wow-wow." "And you just ruined it for me." "Well, I think I know what women want, and it's what's between the ears." "You got the between part right." "Listen..." "I think I know what I'm talking about." "I'm the lady here." "Oh, boys.." "All right, so tomorrow at 10:00, you have the Rosen divorce, and a deposition at 11:00." "And for lunch we're gonna get matching "Keep on Truckin'" tramp stamps." "Sounds great." "Holly, are you even listening to me?" "Sorry, what?" "What is with you?" "You have been distracted all morning." " No, I haven't." " Yes, you have." "Something is going on." "Tell me, tell me," " tell me, tell me." " Nothing is going on." "Yes, it is." "Tell me." "Tell me." "I'm not stopping until you tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me" "Shh!" "All right, I'll tell you." "So this morning, I'm at the guys' apartment, and I walk into the bathroom just as Stuart is getting out of the shower, and I saw his" "Oh, my gosh, you saw little Stuart?" "Little?" "That thing looked like it was taking him for a piggyback ride." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "Stuart's got a king-size giggle stick?" "Yeah." "How big are we talking?" "Well, any bigger, you could feed it peanuts." "Okay, I need to see a picture of this." "Draw it." "Uh, you know what, we're gonna need a bigger pad." "Okay." "And that marker-- the thick kind." " Oh..." " Yep." "Okay..." "Happy?" "I'd like to take some personal time." "Ha ha." "Are you sure you're not exaggerating?" "I mean, it's been a long time since you've seen one face to-- in person." "Yes, I'm sure." "I mean, it's been a while since I've seen the Chrysler building, but I'd recognize it getting out of the shower." "All right, well, I'll let you get back then to fantasizing about Stuart." "I'm not fantasizing." "Look, the whole thing just caught me by surprise." "It's kinda like the first time you see jaws leap out of the water." "Anyway, just forget I mentioned it." "It's already been forgotten." "Uh, no." "My pad." "Oh." "What?" "Just gonna stick it up on my wish board." "Hi hi." "Hey, Eden, what are you doing here?" "Oh, I'm here to see Stuart." "I've got some divorce papers for him to sign." "Stuart's divorce was final a few months ago." "Yes, well, but, um, some of the forms fell through the cracks." "Like the--like the I-95s and, um, the B-52s and such." "Anyway, where's big Stu?" "Wait, I thought I heard you." "Eden, what are you doing here?" "Oh, she's here to see big Stu." "Big Stu?" "You told them, didn't you?" " Told us what?" " Yeah, what?" "Nothing." "Nothing to tell." "Holly saw Stuart's schlong, and it's ginormous." "How ginormous?" "Tall enough to ride Space Mountain on its own." "No way!" "Yeah, it's true." "I walked in on Stuart this morning in the bathroom by accident." "I'm not buying it." "Stuart doesn't carry himself like a man who just hit the junk jackpot." "So Stuart's well-endowed." "Big deal." "It doesn't change anything." "It changes everything!" "Haven't you ever seen animal planet?" "There's a pecking order in the species." "We have to know who the Alpha male is." "It settles down the pack." "Otherwise, there's chaos." "Scratching and nervous digging." "All right, look, I don't know what kind of macho thing you guys have about a man's size, but as a woman, it's not that important." "I mean, what really matters is what you do with it." "I like 'em big." "Real big." " Hey, guys." " Hi, Stuart." "Ugh, I had a long, hard day." "I'll tell you, I am dragging." "That's the rumor." "Eden, what are you staring at?" "Nothing." "She's not staring at anything." "Oh, no, it's okay." "It's okay." "I, uh--I think I know what it is." "It's the new cords." "First of the season." "Check 'em out." " Oh, okey-dokey." " No, that's it, we're leaving." " I want to stay." " Get a grip." "I was trying to." "Wow." "Who knew?" "The ladies love the cords." "And I'll tell you, I just bought 'em because they look super cool with turtlenecks." "Yeah, there's no way Mr. corduroy's swinging a big bat." "Suddenly I'm feeling very vulnerable and unsettled." "Winter is coming." "Who will lead us through the hard season?" "All right, Stuart's gonna be in here any second, so just act natural." "Natural." "We just lured a man to a health club to take a peek at his baby maker." "We're not peeking, we're verifying." "Well, did we have to spend an hour and a half doing cardio and weights?" "Don't you think it would be a little suspicious to invite the guy to the gym, skip the workout, and head right to the sauna?" "No." "That's my normal routine." "Phil, this boys day at the gym was a great idea." "We should do this more often." "So listen, now that it's just us guys, tell me..." "How can I do better with women?" "I mean, really, really." "What have I got that's gonna make me stand out from the average Joe?" "Make a woman really go, "Wow!"" " I gotta go." " Me too." "You took him to a sauna?" "How'd you find out?" "Haskell's tweet." "People like to know my whereabouts." "Look, we had to know, and now we do." "There's a change in the pecking order." "Isn't that right, number two?" " Hey, guys." " Hey, Stuart." "Ooh, let me get that bag for you." "Thanks, Haskell." "Would you like a beer?" "Uh, yeah, I'd love one." "I'd like one too, please." "Get your own." "And straighten those magazines." "So, Holly, you ready for your first cooking lesson?" "Oh, am I ever." "I mean, considering that for lunch today" "I had a slim Jim and an antibiotic." "Terrific." "Hey, you guys remember Susan, the girl from the bar that I friended on Facebook?" " Yes." " I poked her." " Is she still alive?" " Stop." "Yes." "Yeah." "I plan on seeing her tonight at the bar." "You asked her out?" "No, she posted on Facebook saying she's gonna be there, and if anybody else wanted to drop by" "So guess who "anyone else" is." "I'm kind of nervous." "I mean," "I can't bear to strike out again." "Well, then you need to start acting like you got what the ladies want, 'cause you do." "All right, you got a seriously" "Sweet disposition." "Yeah." "And when you meet the right girl, she's gonna be all over you." "Thank you." "Thanks, guys." "So I guess now I just have to come up with some snappy conversation starters." "How 'bout "Lookee here"?" "You don't get it, do you?" "That's not what women want." "Holly, come on, tell me you don't look at Stuart a tad different." "When women know stuff like this, it affects them." "Do I look affected?" "I mean, come on, it's the same loveable Stuart." "Nothing's changed." "Stuart will see you now." "Don't make him wait." " Okay, Stuart." "I'm all yours." " Okay, great." "Let's get this party started." "Now, we begin with the cornerstone of any great meal-- the baguette." "Wow." " Yeah, it's a beauty, isn't it?" " Yeah." "You want to stop waving that thing in my face?" "So, if you have a baguette and a salad, you got an easy meal." "So let's see what we have here, lettuce..." " Oh." " Yeah, mushrooms..." " Mm-hmm." " Heirloom tomatoes, baby carrots." " Baby carrots." " And the soul of any great salad-- the mighty cucumber." " Oh, my God." " Yeah." "So you know what we're gonna do with this bad boy?" "Nu-huh." "We're gonna wash it." "Here you go." "Go ahead, go ahead." " I don't--oh..." " There you go." "Nothing wrong with this." "Just washing a veggie with my buddy." "Most natural thing in the world." "Holly, you don't have to handle it so gingerly." "Go ahead, it's not gonna bite you." "Come on, here, let me help." " Okay." " Look, all you have to do is move your hands back and forth." "There you go." "You see?" "There's a-- there's a rhythm to it." "Atta girl." "Atta girl." "You're a natural." "I tell you, it's like you've done this a thousand times." " Stuart?" " Yeah?" "I gotta go." "Hi, guys." " Hey." " Hey." " Oh, so..." " Huh?" "How was the cooking lesson?" " Fine, jeez." "Fine, jeez." " Really?" "Because Stuart said you got all flustered, and you just ran out." "And I was like, "She's probably got a reason."" "A really, really big one." "Okay, okay, you were right." "I wanted to believe I was more evolved, but it turns I'm no better than an alley cat in heat." "Well, the important thing is I was right." "Mmm." "And the other important thing is" "No, that's it." "I was right." "Will you two stop babbling?" "Stuart has approached a willing female." "The courting ritual has begun." "It's begun!" "That's it, we are canceling animal planet." "Look, he's talking to her, you guys." "That's good." "That's good." "Yeah, but she just checked her watch." "That's bad." "That's bad." "Uncross your arms, you ice queen." "I can't watch this anymore." "If only she knew he has a Ferrari parked in those corduroys." "She's going to." "Oh, sorry." "Oh, Stuart!" "I didn't even see you there." " Hi." " Hey, Holly." "Susan, this is my good friend Holly." "Hi, how are you?" "Nice to meet you." "I'm sorry to interrupt you guys." "Hey, would you mind grabbing me a glass of white wine?" " Of course." "Susan?" " No, thank you." "So Stuart's quite a guy, isn't he?" "Oh, yes, he's very nice." "Oh, nice." "Well, he's more than nice." "Much more." "Much more." "See what I just did there?" "Much more." " You follow?" " Not really, no." "Susan..." "He's enormously gifted." "Enormously." "What are you trying to tell me?" "For God sakes, the man has a huge penis!" "Holly, what are you doing?" "Talking you up." "Susan, Susan, look" "What's-- what's going on?" "I thought you were a really nice guy." "I mean, you send over your psycho wing woman" " to brag about your size?" " No." "No, no, no." "And you really think that's what women want?" "I don't know what we want anymore!" "Well, I know what I want." "To get out of here." " No, Susan" " Susan" "Don't look at me like that, Stuart." "Smile on?" "Okay, let me get this straight." "You looked a grown woman dead in the face and said--and I quote-- "He has a huge--"" "I know what I said!" "It's all your fault." "You're the one who said that he would never get anywhere with women unless they knew what he had." "You imply it, okay?" "You suggest it." "You don't take it out and smack her over the head with it!" "Stuart, oh, my God," "I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart." "I real-- I was just trying to help." "I can't believe you guys told her." "I thought the sauna was a sacred place." "No, she told us she saw you in the bathroom getting out of the shower." "We only went to the sauna to verify it." "And may I say, sir, bravo." "Look, I know I really screwed up, but please don't let it stop you from getting out there." "No, no, it didn't." "After you scared Susan off, I tracked her down." "I apologized, and we talked, laughed, and I took her out for coffee." "Oh, good for you." "You took her out for coffee." "Yeah..." "Right after we had sex!" "I'm back, baby." "Yeah, you are!" "You know, if you think about it, if I hadn't opened my big mouth and completely embarrassed you, you never would have chased her down and bonded over how completely inappropriate I was." "So I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're welcome." "Wow, you've got balls." "I think we have a new leader." "Oh, hey,"