"Hey, Peter, are we having fun now or what?" "Oh, lots of fun, Dad." "That's my boy." "Listen, Peter, your mom tells me that you found daddy's special magazines on the top shelf in the garage and took them to school." "Yeah, they were awesome at show and tell!" "Listen, Peter, you've got to promise me you won't ever do that again." "Sorry, Dad." "Hey, Dad, can we go look for the nude beach?" "I heard it's down there somewhere." "Peter!" "Oh, right, Dad." "Um, Dad?" "Yeah." "Dad, I'm kind of hungry." "Uh, do you think maybe I could have a hot dog?" "Yeah, sure, pal." "Come on." "I'll race you to the hot dog stand." "Well, actually, do you think" "I could stay here and finish my fort?" "Please?" "I'll be right back." "Don't move." "OK." "Naked chicks!" "Cool!" "Peter?" "Peter!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God!" "Yeah, we were busy last week." "Lifeguard!" "Lifeguard!" "I can't find my Peter!" "Don't worry, sir, that's just from swimming in the cold ocean water." "No, see, I was playing with my Peter and I..." "And if you keep playing with it, it'll come back before you know it." "No, listen!" "My son is missing." "You lost your son and your Peter?" "No, Notch, his son's name is Peter." "Oh." "Why didn't you say so?" "[Blows Whistle]" "Tonight's episode..." "[Announcer] No real actors were used in the filming of tonight's episode." "Your full name?" "Joseph Anthony Gozigna." "[Notch] Nice work, Kimberlee." "Now you would enter his name into the computer." "Thank you, Notch." "Kimberlee's new on the job, but trust me, sir, you're in good hands." "Sir, my name is B.J. Cummings." "I'm a lifeguard slash sketch artist slash model." "I drew a rough composite of your child." "Finally, we're getting somewhere!" "Hope you like it." "That looks like Ally McBeal!" "And Peter's a boy!" "That's exactly the kind of detail I need." "Nice work, B.J., but I don't think Peter's Jewish." "Sir, how 'bout I drop by your crib and pick up some of those pictures of the boy, huh?" "That's a great idea." "I live on Webster Street." "Webster Street!" "Oh, dog!" "You are livin' large!" "Hey, everybody!" "I found a body down in Hummus Cove!" "Oh, Lord!" "They took the boy way too soon!" "Jamaica, it wasn't a boy." "Oh!" "No, the body found was a female Caucasian pilot." "She was wearing this jacket." "[Notch] Earhart." "Any other clues?" "Just this love letter signed by someone named Roberta." "Roberta, huh." "She must have been reading it while she was going down." "What's with you people?" "Isn't there anyone here with a brain in their heads?" "Sir, we're gonna circulate photos, scour the beach, and alert the media." "Trust me, sir." "We are gonna find your son, and that's a promise!" "All promises subject to rules and regulations and contain no guarantees." "This offer does not apply to friends and family of S.P.F. -30." "Miles may vary." "Void in Nebraska." "Now let's go save a kid!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "I like it." "And I like you, Mayor." "But why do you think my Legion of American Decency should support your run for congress?" "Because, Reverend Green, an organization like L.O.A.D. Has the same values I do." "In a way, I am LOAD." "[Reverend Green] Well, if you really are LOAD Material, you've got some work to do." "What is it you want me to do?" "Ban those awful bathing suits." "The kind that display the behinds of young women, save for a tiny strand of material over the "buttal" area." "Are you talking about thongs?" "The devil's floss!" "This is not what God gave us tuchises for!" "It's a sin!" "Perpetrated on decent, God-fearing folk by our "friends" in New York." "I never realized the kind of public disturbances thongs can create." "Consider them gone!" "In that case, I'd love to offer you the full support of LOAD." "How much support?" "$50,000 to start." "Ooh!" "I'll take your LOAD." "[Notch] Seen a lost boy, anybody?" "Lost boy, lost boy." "Niño perdito." "[Kimberlee] Excuse me, have you seen this child?" "No, sorry." "Well, he's missing, OK?" "Oh, guys, guys!" "Thank God you're here!" "You know, we could sure use your help." "Hey, hey!" "I thought you were gonna help us find this man's little Peter!" "[Officer] OK, hands behind your back." "You're under arrest for breaking the law." "[Notch] You're cuffing them?" "What is the charge?" "What are you doing?" "The same thing you're gonna be doing." "Enforcing the new no thongs policy on this beach." "No thongs?" "No, thanks." "I won't do it." "Well, then we'll just find a new head lifeguard who will." "Help!" "Unh!" "Naked girls, can you hear me?" "Naked girls!" "So let's take notice, everybody." "First we have the standard issue thong." "Easy to spot, easy to remove." "Next to it, its cousin, the T-back." "Note the "T."" "Requires special handling." "And last, but certainly not least, we have the Lewinsky." "I can't believe the cops are more interested in arresting women in thongs than finding a missing boy." "Yeah, that really blows." "B.J., as usual, you've said a mouthful." "I strongly disagree with the mayor on this!" "But we must follow orders!" "It's always important to follow orders." "[Barks In German]" "Chip, calm down!" "God, it's only a thong!" "Big deal!" "Yeah, before me and my homie B.J. Were S.P.F. -ers, we used to model thongs." "Really?" "What was that like?" "Let's see..." "as I remember..." "[Techno Music Playing]" "Wow, it's really hard... being a thong model." "[Kimberlee] Uh, getting back to the mayor," "I think she's being influenced by Reverend Green." "[Gasps]" "Reverend Ralph Green?" "Oh, my God." "B.J., why are you afraid of Reverend Green?" "Don't worry, B.J." "I've had the same fear of the clergy ever since Father Kevin's slumber party." "Did he bother you in some way?" "Father Kevin?" "I mean, Reverend Green." "'Cause I'll smack him upside his head." "No, it's not like that." "I'm gonna tell you guys something that I've never told anyone." "It's about Reverend Ralph Green." "I'm his..." "I'm his..." "I'm his illegitimate daughter." "Help!" "Can anyone hear me?" "[Chanting] Wear your thong, the mayor's wrong!" "Wear your thong, the mayor's wrong!" "Wear your thong, the mayor's wrong!" "Wear your thong, the mayor's wrong!" "[Chanting]" "Look at the size of that demonstration!" "I just wish that more Americans would adopt the values of Mayor Massengil." "In fact, I'm hoping the mayor will accept my LOAD support in her run for Congress." "Why, Reverend Green!" "I had no idea!" "Oh, I hardly know what to say." "Ha ha ha." "[Notch] B.J." "Are you going to confront Reverend Green, your illegitimate father, the man who planted his seed in your mother's unwed womb?" "Oh, Notch, I don't know if I'm strong enough." "B.J., I want to show you a little thing I have in my shorts." "It's a fortune cookie from when I was a lifeguard in Vietnam." "It's a little complex, but see if you understand." ""Be honest."" "Be honest." "Be honest?" "Oh, I get it!" "Be honest!" "Like you've got to tell the truth!" "You gotta tell the truth, man." "Thanks." "I knew I could count on you, Notch." "Notch Johnson, we've been watching you enforce the thong ban." "Do you personally agree with this policy?" "Well, I mean, I have a job to do here on the beach." "And sometimes that job requires things other than..." "[B.J.'S Voice] Be honest." "Be honest." "Be honest." "Be honest." "Oh, forget what I just said!" "Look, in this country we have a thing called the Constitution!" "And it gives us the right to bare arms and legs and breasts, and, yes, even heinie bum-bums!" "And so, to show my support for the protesters," "I'm wearing a thong!" "[Wild Cheering]" "[Gasps And Screams Of Revulsion]" "Johnson, this is it!" "You're fired." "Fine, fire me!" "But this thong thing really stinks!" "[Peter] Help!" "Is anyone up there?" "!" "Lady!" "Lady, wait!" "Hello!" "I'm down here!" "Can you hear me?" "Lady, help!" "[Muffled] Can't you hear me?" "Hello?" "Get off the hole!" "Reverend, can I talk to you?" "If it's about saving your boss'job, that issue is closed." "No, it's about me." "Actually, it's about my mother," "Flo Normandie." "Florence N. Normandie?" "Why, I have no idea who that is." "Now, get out of my way!" "You're not going anywhere, Papa!" "[Rock Music From Walkman Plays]" "Lady, you sat on the hole!" "Get off." "Can't you hear me?" "I'm down here!" "[Fart]" "[Louder Fart]" "[Loud, Extended Fart]" "Ugh!" "Come on!" "I even know your real name." "Earl Haney." "Here, I want to show you something that's very important to me." "It's the authentic zirconium locket that you gave Mama." ""To Florence, thanks a bunch." "Maybe I'll call." "Earl."" "That's just so romantic." "Listen, darlin'," "I dearly hope that you find your daddy." "But I am not him." "Bullcrackers!" "You are my daddy!" "Am not!" "Now stay away from me." "Then keep this to remind you of the daughter that you never wanted to be reminded of." "B.J.!" "Wait!" "[Sobbing]" "[Sobbing]" "God, if you get me out of here," "I won't look through Dad's dirty magazines or search for nude beaches." "And, Lord, I'll never ask to see a beautiful woman if you just get me out of this cave." "[Screams]" "OK, Lord, I like your idea better." "B.J.!" "[B.J.] We're down here!" "I'm going!" "Wait!" "[Peter] Take your time!" "Well, that's it." "30 years of lifeguard memories are in this bag." "Skipper." "Don't go." "I love you." "[Back Cracks]" "[Pained] Oh, I love you, too, Chip!" "Well, this is it, homegirl." "[Crying] Why are you going away?" "[Reverend Green] Johnson!" "You gotta help me!" "Somebody fell in a hole up on the bluffs." "Anybody you know?" "Yes, B.J. Cummings the lifeguard, also my daughter." "B.J. And your daughter both fell in?" "No." "B.J. Is my daughter!" "B.J., can you hear me?" "[B.J.] Notch, you've gotta get us out of here!" "The water's rising!" "High tide's in at 5:00 today." "We really need to hustle, Notch." "Don't worry!" "I'm on it!" "But you're off the force, Notch." "Maybe I'm not doing this as Notch Johnson, lifeguard." "Maybe I'm doing this as Notch Johnson, human being, a guy whose only fault is caring." "A guy who can't walk past hungry homeless people without giving them a big smile and a hearty "howdy-do."" "A guy who..." "[Peter] Hey, dude, today!" "OK, let's go." "[Reporter] Reverend Green, you came here to get rid of thongs, but now you've joined the search for little Peter Gozigna." "Quë pasa?" "Because now, not only is little Peter in that hole, but lifeguard B.J. Cummings is in there, too." "And she's my daughter." "OK, take me up." "[Reverend Green] See, when I was a young man," "I saw B.J.'s mama Florence on the beach." "There she stood, pretty young thing wearing a... thong bikini." "[Reporter] So, B.J.'s mother was wearing a thong bikini like that one over there?" "[Notch] Waah!" "Uh-oh." "Notch." "Notch!" "[B.J.] I'm strapping it on!" "OK, take him up." "You'll be all right." "Ha ha!" "Here he is!" "I love you, Dad!" "Oh, I love you, too, son." "Now can we go to the nude beach?" "Sure, pal, anything you say." "OK, B.J., you're next!" "We've got a problem!" "Notch is unconscious!" "I've been telling people that for years." "There you have it." "Former Chief Lifeguard Notch Johnson lies unconscious as treacherous water continues to storm in." "Come on, Notch, wake up!" "Mama, Mama, Mama." "[Excited Babbling]" "Notch, it's me, B.J.!" "B.J., where's Peter?" "He's been pulled to safety." "Is he OK?" "Yes, but we've gotta get out of here, or we'll drown." "OK, B.J., you go first!" "No, Notch, you go." "The world needs Johnson!" "OK, good idea." "Hey, B.J. There's your dad up there!" "Come on, guys!" "Get down the rope!" "Come on!" "[Notch] All right, guys, take her up now!" "Move it!" "Move it!" "[Grunts]" "Daddy's here!" "Oh!" "Oh, I love my B.J." "Go back, water!" "Go back!" "So we wait with diminishing hope that Notch Johnson will pull through this." "As we reported earlier, this hero was fired in a bonehead move by Mayor Massengil." "That's nonsense!" "Not only is Notch Johnson still head lifeguard, he's going to get a big raise." "But only if he lives." "OK, I got it." "Take me up!" "Ow!" "Come on, guys, now!" "Get ready for that raise, sucker." "Here comes Notch Johnson now!" "[Cheering]" "Citizens of Malibu Adjacent," "I hereby reinstate thongs on one condition:" "That Notch Johnson never wear one." "It's a deal." "Well, gang, it's been quite a day, huh?" "We reunited an illegitimate father with his bastard daughter." "How 'bout it, huh?" "That's nice." "And in the process, we resolved a really sticky situation." "But you know, why talk about a thong when you can dance about it?" "[Cheers]" "* Let's do the dance that is so much fun *" "* In the U.S.A. It's number one *" "* Moving to the front or to the back *" "* You'll feel it riding up your crack *" "* Tho-ong *" "* It's a thong!" "Yeah, yeah!" "*" "* Do the thong!" "Yeah, yeah *" "* Shake your naked booty all night long *" "* Kinda sleek *" "* Show some cheek *" "* Everybody do the thong *" "* Everybody do the thong *" "* Everybody do the *" "* Thong!" "*" "Oh, hi, teens." "Notch Johnson here." "You know, tonight's show was about not being embarrassed by your looks." "So I've taken off the makeup to show you this small freckle here." "Can you see it?" "See, I'm not embarrassed by it." "Or here." "I've got a mole that looks like the black guy on Miami Vice." "Or on my back, I've got an extra Johnson." "Can you see?" "It's my not-fully-developed twin brother Lloyd." "Can you say hi, Lloyd?" "[High Voice] Hi, Lloyd!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "See, I'm not embarrassed by it, either." "So until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying, "Ride the big one.""