"SCHULTZ:" "Floyd!" "( prisoners murmuring )" "Walters!" "He's right here." "Come on." "Slim." "Hurry it up!" "Carter!" "Yep." "Oh." "( sighs ) There, this one's for me!" "That's from my Colette." "Oiseau de Lys!" "Wow." "Ooh." "Oh, there's another one for me." "This one's from my Renee, amour, amour." "Amour, amour." "( chuckles )" "Carter, wouldn't you like to get a letter like this?" "I'd be happy just to get an envelope." "( chuckles ) Hey, Schultz, my girl said she was sending along a plum pudding." "Now, where is it?" "It's been held for inspection." "Oh, come on." "What are you going to find wrong with a plum pudding?" "I can't find anything wrong." "It was delicious." "Schultz, I want that plum pudding released at once." "You'll get it, you'll get it." "I just ate a little crumb." "Yeah, that crumb would feed a family of eagles for a bloody month." "Come on, Schultz, hurry it up." "We got to finish digging that tunnel by Thursday." "Colonel Hogan, I do whatev..." "Tunnel?" "What tunnel?" "Shh." "Don't tell me." "We all will be much happier if I see nothing here, nothing!" "We'd be a lot happier if you ate nothing." "The last piece of mail... woolen socks from your Aunt Alice, hand-knit." "What's the matter, Schultz?" "Didn't they fit?" "Oh..." "( chuckles )" "They fit all right, but, uh, red, white and blue are not my colors." "( Schultz laughing )" "( prisoners muttering )" "( door shuts )" "Aunt Alice's knitting is getting a lot better, huh?" "Well, let's hear what Aunt Alice has to say, huh?" "( humming )" "( humming continues )" "Okay." "There you go." "Plug it?" "Plug it in." "Okay." "( whirring )" "MAN:" "Aunt Alice here." "This assignment's a big one, Colonel, but you'll have to go it alone." "Baron von Aukburg is giving a party Saturday night which you will attend." "Sounds good so far." "You will go in the guise of Colonel Wilhelm Klink." "Just took a turn for the worse." "The baron has complete plans of Operation Dragonfly." "Sometime during the evening, he will turn them over to you." "Simple enough, huh?" "Should be a rather enjoyable night's work, if you don't get shot pulling it off." "Ha-ha." "Aunt Alice knits a funny sock." "You think you ought to go it alone tonight, sir?" "This job sounds pretty risky to me." "I wouldn't mind going to a party with plenty of food, plenty of drinks and plenty of women." "And plenty of Germans." "That's right." "I'm not going to have time for wine and women tonight." "Well, then Carter is right." "You shouldn't go alone." "You'd better take me." "I always have time for that." "So far this is just a dangerous assignment." "Let's not turn it into a suicide mission." "Hey, what if somebody at this party knows Klink?" "People who know Klink aren't invited to parties." "I imagine the baron has picked his guest list pretty carefully." "Well, you wouldn't get a better fit than that in Savile Row." "How does he look?" "Eh, good enough to shoot." "Aren't you going to give him any medals?" "Yeah, mate, medals." "What sort of medals does Klink wear?" "Borrowed." "I'd better get over to Klink's office now, get into his mail to get my invitation for the party he's not going to." "( typing )" "A letter?" "I already have." "This the one you wanted?" "Oh, you're a doll, Hilda, a doll." "I owe you a gift for this." "You already owe me six pairs of nylons, 17 pounds of candy, three gallons of perfume and that leaves jewelry." "How about a nice cocktail ring?" "I don't drink." "How about a nice engagement ring?" "I don't drink, either." "( footsteps approaching ) Uh-oh, talk to you later." "Hogan!" "What are you doing here?" "It's about the Red Cross cookies, Colonel." "We were six boxes shy again this month." "Now, robbing the mail is not only a civil crime, it's a violation of Article Nine, Section Three." "Hogan, I will investigate the matter." "Investigate a few missing cookies?" "Seems to me you have something more important to do." "I was just about to say that, Herr General." "Hogan, I cannot be bothered with those trifles." "I have many more important things to do." "Trying to hush up the cookie scandal, huh?" "Hogan, are you accusing me?" "You are putting on weight, sir." "Hogan!" "You're dismissed!" "Okay, you can get rid of me." "But there's one thing you won't get rid of-- the pangs of a guilty stomach." "He's crazy." "I had nothing to do with those stolen cookies." "I don't even like cookies." "I got sick from eating a sour lady finger once." "I haven't had a cookie since." "As a matter of fact, I don't like any desserts." "Oh, once in awhile, I'll have a little piece of strudel, but that's all." "Honestly, I do not know what Hogan is talking about." "And I don't know what you are talking about." "Neither do I." "Then you don't mind if I talk about something?" "Of course not, Herr General." "Talk as much as you like." "Thank you." "Oh, may I help you to the door?" "( chuckling )" "Who's on the air today?" "Burkhalter and Klink." "Turn it up a bit." "They're my favorite comedy team." "BURKHALTER:" "How well do you know" "Baron von Aukburg, Klink?" "KLINK:" "I don't really know him at all." "Oh?" "Not even slightly?" "No, sir." "Then why are you invited to the party he's giving tonight?" "I have not been invited to any party." "The Gestapo showed me the guest list." "Your name is right on the top." "That's very nice of him." "Why you, I wonder?" "You're certainly not a man of any importance." "Yes, sir." "No offense intended, Klink." "None taken, Herr General, none taken." "Intelligence thinks this party could be some sort of a cover-up." "A cover-up?" "Come closer." "( softly ):" "I don't like to say it too loud." "The Gestapo has reason to believe that Baron van Aukburg is giving information to the enemy." "There's been a leak." "Kinch, radio headquarters, tell them to get to the baron to cancel the party." "Right, Colonel." "I can't believe it." "The baron is one of our national heroes, the idol of every German boy." "The symbol of loyalty, fidelity, honor." "Now, why would a man like that give away military information?" "He is not giving away any information, Klink." "He's selling it for a quarter of a million dollars." "A quarter of a million dollars?" "Well, that's a little different." "Why is it different, Klink?" "Because it's, uh..." "so much worse." "I mean, to give away something is one thing, but to sell it is something else." "General, when you said the party was a cover-up, what did you mean?" "A cover-up for what?" "The payoff." "Among the guests, there will be the baron's contact." "He's there to pick up the information." "We'll be there to pick up the two of them." "I still can't believe it." "Baron von Aukburg a traitor?" "Could the Gestapo possibly have made a mistake?" "The Gestapo never makes a mistake." "They pride themselves on being right every time." "And half the time, they are. ( laughs )" "That's a little joke I heard... and I don't think it's very funny." "I'd advise you to carry a gun tonight." "A gun?" "!" "Baron von Aukburg is not going to give up without a fight, and there is no telling how many others might be in with him." "Mm-hmm." "What are you doing?" "I am calling Headquarters." "They will send a division and surround the house." "And arouse suspicion?" "You're right, General." "A squad would be plenty." "Klink... the Gestapo will have men all around us." "I would feel a lot easier if they had a few in front of us." "Sorry, Colonel, but London says they got no way of contacting the baron." "Swell." "The baron's walking right into a trap and taking Klink with him." "Maybe we can stop Klink from going?" "No... but we can stop him from staying." "Now, you're sure you did not misplace it, Fraulein Hilda?" "Oh, quite sure, Commandant." "( chuckles ) Well... can't go to a party without an invitation, can I?" "Perhaps you could call the baron, and he could..." "Just don't give me any suggestions, Fraulein Hilda." "Just say "yes" or "no." And don't say "yes."" "Don't you want to go to the party, Colonel?" "Not really." "There'll just be a lot of drinking, talking and shooting." "Shooting?" "Shouting." "Shouting." "From what I hear, there's going to be a very noisy crowd at this party." "HOGAN:" "Oh, Colonel?" "Didn't I tell you Schultz couldn't be trusted with the mail?" "I found this just outside our barracks." "It's addressed to you." "Oh, to me?" "Yeah, looks like an invitation of some kind." "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "It's a lucky thing I happened to find it." "Yes, it is lucky, isn't it?" "What is it, a party?" "Yes, you might say it is." "You look more like it was a funeral." "Yes, you might say that, too." "Well, whatever it is..." "have fun." "( waltz playing )" "Well, it looks like a marvelous party, Colonel." "Don't be jumpy." "Oh, I'm all right." "It's just..." "Ooh!" "Your coat, Colonel." "Oh, oh, yes, yes." "Oh, it is, it is, it is." "A marvelous party, simply a marvelous party." "Why don't we go out and have a smoke?" "Klink, don't make a fool of yourself." "We are here to watch the baron." "We can watch him through the window." "That way he won't know that he's being watched." "Stop, Klink." "Look like you're enjoying yourself." "I'm trying to, but it's just waiting for something happening that's so difficult." "Once I'm in action," "I don't have a nerve in my body." "Colonel Klink?" "I surrender." "There is a telephone call for you, sir." "A telephone call?" "Yes." "You can take it right over here." "Oh, uh, excuse me, General." "Colonel Klink speaking." "Yes." "( barking ) ( mimicking alarm )" "( like Schultz ):" "Herr Kommandant, there's been an escape!" "An escape?" "A big one!" "A riot?" "Oh, that's marvelous!" "Yes, I'll be right over." "Oh, thank you so much for calling." "General." "I'm afraid I have to go back to camp." "My coat, please." "There has been an escape, a big escape." "Oh, I'm sorry to be leaving this way, but, uh, it sounds like it's an absolute disaster." "Thank you." "Excuse me." "Just got word from the underground, Colonel." "The baron is safe." "What about the plans?" "Well, they're not so safe." "He left instructions for the maid to hide them in the lining of Klink's overcoat." "He still thinks you went as Klink." "If Klink got out safe, the plans will be hanging on his coat rack." "And if he didn't, they'll be hanging in a Gestapo cell." "Hey, we're in luck." "Klink just drove in." "Break out the champagne, LeBeau." "What are we celebrating?" "You and I are about to steal a quarter-of-a-million- dollar coat." "If you didn't call me, Schultz, who did?" "I don't know, Herr Kommandant." "Maybe someone was playing a joke." "A joke?" "You think it's a joke telephoning me that prisoners are rioting, that they're escaping?" "You think that's funny?" "Oh, no, Herr Kommandant!" "Good." "But do you think..." "Schultz, I will ask the questions!" "Yes, sir." "Well?" "Well, what?" "Schultz, I said I'll ask the questions." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "You sent for me, Colonel?" "He will ask the questions." "I'm not interested in questions." "What I want are some answers." "Answers for what?" "Just a minute." "I'll ask the questions." "What's all this talk about a prison break?" "How do you know?" "Schultz!" "Oh, I know, you ask the questions." "No, I'll ask the questions, right, Colonel?" "Of course." "Now, what was the question?" "I resent the implication there was any attempt by the prisoners to escape from this camp, and I demand that you publicly apologize to the men." "Apologize?" "It's the prisoners who tried to escape." "That isn't true!" "When there's an escape, you'll be the first to know." "I'll personally call you from London." "That's very good of you, Hogan." "What else is an enemy for?" "It's a little hot in here." "Why don't we open the window, huh?" "There, that's better." "Schultz, why don't you take the commandant's coat?" "I don't want my coat off!" "Oh, I'm freezing." "Now please close the window." "See?" "You've got chills." "You ought to get out of that topcoat and into something warm." "I was warm until you opened the window." "You shouldn't be sitting here." "You should be in bed." "If you'll just close the window!" "Forget about the window." "When you're sick, I'll give the orders." "Right, Schultz?" "I thought you are going to ask the questions." "You're not well." "Probably too much party, sir." "( clears throat ) Hogan, what are you doing?" "You're tight." "You've got tense muscles here." "Schultz, why don't you help massage these muscles, hmm?" "I don't want any...!" "Ooh." "Ooh, ooh, Schultz, that's very relaxing." "Mmm." "See?" "Mmm." "It's been a very long day, sir." "Here, let me help you with your coat." "Get out!" "Klink, you stay." "I have some questions to ask you." "Now he will ask the questions." "Out!" "Why did you leave the party in such a hurry?" "There was a call." "I know." "A call about a phony prison break." "But I didn't know that until I got here." "Herr General, surely you don't believe that..." "You better worry what the Gestapo believes." "The Gestapo?" "Baron von Aukburg has disappeared." "He's disappeared from the party?" "Baron von Aukburg wasn't even at the party." "What do you know about this, Klink?" "I know nothing." "The Gestapo thinks you do." "They will be stopping by in the morning and asking you some questions." "You better have the right answers." "You won't get any help from me." "Of course not." "I have nothing to hide, sir." "Don't tell me." "Tell the Gestapo." "I couldn't help overhearing, Commandant, and I know just what you need." "You need some sleep, sir." "Here, let me have your coat." "Hogan, get out." "You don't need sleep?" "I am suspected of being a traitor, and you expect me to sleep?" "Who could sleep?" "I could sleep, Herr Kommandant." "Get out." "Everybody, out, out, out, out!" "Just nerves." "He really doesn't get enough sleep." "Klink's still wide awake, Colonel." "Still wearing the topcoat, I suppose?" "No, he finally took it off." "He must be getting warm from all the pacing he's doing." "He must be getting tired, too." "He's been at it all night long." "He's got to sit down sometime." "Now, once he does, he's going to start to doze off." "I can get in and out of there in ten seconds and grab that coat." "He's going to keep pacing that floor until he's clear about the Gestapo." "Well, there's something about facing a firing squad that makes a person kind of restless." "Look, since there's no evidence against Klink, what can the Gestapo do?" "Well, they'll simply ask him a few questions, they'll leave, he'll faint, and we'll grab the coat." "I don't know." "Klink's kind of panicky." "One sign of guilt, and off he goes." "Topcoat and all." "What we need is a nice, friendly, understanding Gestapo agent to question him." "Those kind are a little tough to find, aren't they, sir?" "Oh, I don't know." "Just have to know where to look." "Why you looking at me, sir?" "Wardrobe?" "Yes, sir, one Gestapo outfit, medium." "Makeup?" "Coming right up." "Property man?" "KINCH:" "Right, sir." "I don't think..." "I need some military secrets titled Operation Dragonfly." "Get 'em right away." "Come on..." "Hmm." "Colonel Klink?" "Marvelous reflexes, sir." "Break something?" "What do you want, Hogan?" "I know you're worried about this business with the Gestapo, sir." "If there's anything I can do..." "Why should I be worried about the Gestapo?" "I've done nothing." "I don't feel guilty about anything." "Of course not." "In my opinion, there isn't a more loyal officer in the Luftwaffe." "That is very good of you to say so, Hogan." "I'd say it here, I'd say it at your trial." "Well, I appreciate it." "Trial?" "There isn't going to be any trial, Hogan." "Well, then I'd insist on one, sir." "Surely you're entitled to a trial before they shoot you." "Shoot me?" "What for?" "Now, you said yourself that I was a loyal officer." "I have served my country faithfully and honorably." "Of course, sir." "I just hope General Burkhalter realizes what a good man he's losing." "That's right." "Maybe now he will appreciate me a little bit more when I'm-I'm..." "I'm innocent, Hogan." "That's why I think you should ask for a trial, sir." "Yes, I will." "Fight it." "Fight it with everything you've got." "Yes, I fight it." "What have I got?" "How are you at screaming hysterically?" "Colonel Hogan!" "I would rather die than beg for mercy." "A German officer does not plead or crawl just in order to..." "Herr Schmidt of the Gestapo." "Please send him in." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "You are Colonel Klink?" "Me?" "Oh, oh, yes, I'm Colonel Klink." "And the Luftwaffe never has had a finer officer ever." "None more brave, none more honorable, none more innocent." "( laughs nervously )" "CARTER:" "The Colonel's record speaks for itself." "That's very nice of you to say so, Herr Schmidt." "Who is this man?" "Colonel Hogan, Senior Prisoner of War Officer here, sir." "Oh." "What do you know about Baron von Aukburg?" "Nothing." "I don't know him personally at all." "Why were you invited to the party?" "I don't know." "Why were you called away from the party by a fake phone call?" "I don't know." "Who does know?" "I don't know." "Colonel Klink, is there anything else you can add to what you've already told me?" "Nothing, I swear to you." "I don't know anything about this." "You sure?" "I'll give you my word of honor, Herr Schmidt." "Well, that's good enough for me." "It is?" "You hardly look like the type of man who would sell out his own country." "Never." "I appreciate your cooperation." "I hope I haven't taken up too much of your time." "I like to be at the, uh, disposal of the Gestapo." "I always like to cooperate." "( laughs ) Yes." "It's a shame more people don't feel that way, Klink." "It would save me so much time and trouble." "Well, I have nothing to hide." "My conscience is clear." "I've always said, there's no reason for an innocent man to be afraid." "Very true, Colonel." "Uh, thanks once again for all your help." "My pleasure, sir." "If there's anything else I can tell you, please let me know." "Now, there's an agent who knows his business." "Obviously a man of superior intelligence, wouldn't you say so, Hogan?" "I'm not sure." "I didn't like his looks." "The important thing is that he liked mine." "He knew that I was innocent." "There's something very wrong about that guy." "Something very wrong." "What do you mean, wrong?" "He was right about me." "He knew I was not involved with the baron." "( snaps fingers )" "That's it." "He was no Gestapo agent." "He's Baron von Aukburg." "Von Aukburg?" "He was here pumping you for information." "Information from me?" "You're close to Burkhalter." "You'd know about all the roadblocks that were set up, how many troops were called out." "You'd know all those things." "I would?" "I must say, though, you certainly didn't tell him anything." "Well, I didn't have anything to..." "I, uh, don't tell, uh, everything I know." "Especially the Gestapo." "No, you don't." "We may still be able to stop him at the gate." "Right." "Fraulein Hilda, get me the main gate." "Main gate, this is Colonel Klink speaking." "Has a Gestapo agent come through there lately?" "Good, good." "Now, when he does, you hold him till I get there." "He's medium height, early forties, gray mustache, and he wears glasses, and he's dressed in, um..." "Black hat, black topcoat." "Black hat, black topcoat." "Oh, yes." "There is a long, thin scar down the middle of his face." "Let's go, Hogan." "Colonel Klink, that topcoat." "That's not my coat!" "It's not?" "Are you sure?" "Well, of course not." "Look, this is a black coat." "It doesn't have a fur collar." "It doesn't even have an insignia on the shoulders." "By golly, you're right." "Do you think the baron took your coat by mistake?" "I don't know." "There have been a lot of people in and out of here lately." "That's true." "But I go along with your hunch about the baron." "See if there's any name on the label." "No." "Anything in the pockets?" "Oh, here." "A letter, but there's no name, no address." "The baron's secret papers!" "Secret papers?" "Operation Dragonfly?" "Sly one." "You knew the papers were in there all the time." "Well, I..." "I..." "But how did you manage to switch coats with the baron?" "Well, I..." "Oh, you're going to get a medal for this, you know." "Yes, I should, shouldn't I?" "You knew Schmidt was the baron all the time." "I knew it the moment he came through this door." "But how, Colonel Klink?" "How did you know?" "The baron was obviously an old Heidelberg man." "That long, thin scar." "A dead giveaway." "Yes, the baron was clever, all right, but not quite clever enough." "Now, I don't want to sound like I'm blowing my own horn, but, uh..." "You sound like a whole brass band." "Well, I just wanted you to hear that I-I-I..." "A shut mouth, Klink." "That's what I would like to hear." "Not another word out of me, sir." "Good." "What are those plans, Gruber?" "Operation Dragonfly." "I've never seen them before." "If the Gestapo hasn't seen it, it really must be top secret." "Without question." "If the enemy had gotten these papers, who knows what might have happened?" "Well, Herr Gruber, I'm glad to say" "I was able to prevent that." "I think the hofbrau band is tuning up again." "Excuse me, Colonel." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't know you were busy." "Come right in, Hogan." "We were just discussing the little incident of this morning." "Yes, Colonel Klink was brilliant." "Mm-hmm." "So he has been telling us." "This stuff must really be dynamite." "What all is here, huh?" "Hogan, it is top secret." "What do you think I am, some kind of blabbermouth?" "This must be destroyed immediately." "Yes, sir, an excellent idea." "May I, sir?" "The only way to get rid of secret papers." "Mission accomplished." "Come, Gruber." "I sure have to hand it to you, Colonel." "You certainly know how to dispose of secret papers." "It's the efficient way." "You must have a lot of them in your desk, sir." "My desk?" "You just set it on fire." ""(End of Episode)""