"It began in London during the war." "I had been wounded and discharged out of the Army." "But I stayed on in London, for I was a writer, and had become interested in another group fighting the battle for England's survival, the men on the home front, the civil servants." "A week earlier I had been introduced to one of these, Henry Miles, and he had asked me to a sherry party he and his wife were giving." "Thank you." "You have a charming house." "I didn't quite imagine you in a house like this." "Well, that's my wife's doing." "She found it." " Which one is your wife?" " The one in grey." "Goodbye." "It was so nice..." " I am so sorry." " Oh, I'm so silly." " Don't worry." "It's not..." " How are you, Jeffrey?" " I'd like to meet her." " Oh, of course." "Haven't seen her in such a long time." "Sarah dear, I'd like you to meet Maurice Bendrix." " My wife." " Oh, the writer?" "The graceful memory of a civil servant's wife." "I must remember that." " Will you excuse me?" " Yes." "That's right." "You're writing a book about a civil servant, aren't you?" "I'm afraid it's going to be pretty dull." "I mean, my writing will make it so." "Of course." "I mean, I know that's what you meant." "I'd half expected a sort of professorial type, complete with cap and gown." " I can see Henry's been maligning me." " He wouldn't have meant it that way." " Could I get you a sherry?" " No." "No, thanks." " I've got to go on doing this for hours." " You do it very well." "Well, I like it." " Oh, excuse me a minute, will you?" " Surely." "Excuse me." "Bendrix." " You're not leaving, are you?" " I'm afraid I have some work to do, Henry." "I envy you writer fellows the ability to put down what you think." "But you see, we often put down what we don't think." "I don't believe I could do that." "Still, I suppose if one put one's mind to it." "Well, thanks again." "And I thought your wife was charming." " Oh, she's a great help to me." " I'm sure she is." "As a matter of fact, I believe she could tell you more about my life than I could myself." "She's much more observant than I am, and after all we've been married 10 years." "Maybe I should have a chat with her." "By all means." "Why don't you arrange something?" " I think I will." "Goodbye." " Good night." "I'm glad you don't always order sherry." "It's a dull drink." "Well, I don't really like it, but for some people..." "Especially civil servants?" "Especially." "You wanted to ask me something?" "Oh, yes, yes." "You see, no matter how inventive a writer thinks he is, there are always certain things he has to know." "In my novels..." "Which ones have you read?" "Well, I haven't read any." "Well, let me think." "What about domestic routine?" "What time do you have breakfast in your house?" "Oh, about 8:30 as a rule, except on Saturdays." "And does Henry go to the ministry by tube or taxi?" "By bus." "Now, look." "When your husband introduced us, and you heard my name, you said, "The writer?"" "Well, I've read some of the reviews of your books." "And never felt like going beyond that?" "I don't really like novels, and I have a lot of reading to do for Henry." "Some papers and things." "Does he carry them in a briefcase with the royal arms on it?" "Well, he has a briefcase, but I think it just has his initials on it." "You know, Henry will be frightfully pleased if you put him in a book." "Will you?" "And will you trust him to me without having read my books?" "Trust is a variable quality." "Wipe your mouth." "The last time I saw you was in a mirror." "Really?" "You were kissing someone." "Was I?" "Is that why you kissed me?" "I thought it was." " Will you come this way, please?" " Our table's ready." "I never knew a woman so pleasant to be silent with." "You know, when I invited you out to dinner tonight, it was with the cold-blooded intention of picking the brains of a civil servant's wife." "But I begin to think I'm in a strange country without a map." "It's not so strange, really." "I didn't think so at first." "Maybe it's you that makes it seem so." "I can't picture your life." "It's quite ordinary." "Of course, the war has made a difference." "For me, too." " Yes, I meant to ask about..." " Why I'm not in uniform?" "No, if the limp came from a wound." " You noticed." " Do you mind?" "It's only when I'm tired or keyed up." "I got it early in the war." "I watched you walk down the stairs." "It shows then." "I thought, "He's leaving."" " I had hoped..." " What?" "I felt there was something unsaid." "Then you knew it first." "Yes." "There's a taxi." "Taxi!" "I can't take you home yet." "No." "The Albion Hotel." " Good afternoon." " Oh, good afternoon, sir." "Mrs Miles is upstairs in the drawing room, sir." " She's expecting you." " Thank you." "Oh, I thought the time would never pass." " You realise you were away nearly a week?" " Five days." "Oh, how I missed you." "Three years I've lived down the street from you." "Your house was just one of a row of houses, a number I never even saw." "And now when you're away, the whole street feels empty." " Don't ever leave me again." " No." " Oh, the blackout." "I almost forgot." " I didn't realise it was so late." "I really shouldn't have come here." " Well, why not?" " With that maid hanging around." "She always knocks." "And Henry, he might have come home any minute." "We should have heard him." "There's one stair that always creaks." "Still, we..." " You haven't yet told me where you were." " A very dull place." "Brighton." " What were you doing there?" " It would bore you to hear." "Someone you've known a long time?" " Longer than Henry?" " Much." "Does he know where you were?" " No, not exactly..." " Secret visits, huh?" "In a way." "You know, it's funny." "I could be asking all these same questions in a different tone of voice, and we'd be having a jealous scene." "Where were you?" "With whom were you?" "What's his name?" ""What's his name?" I was with my mother." " You're kidding." " Why?" "What did you think?" "I wasn't thinking." "I was just talking." "Well, Henry and she don't quite hit it off, and so every now and then I go and spend some time with her." "Look." "It's a shell I brought back for my collection." "I think I am jealous after all." "I'm jealous of someone who's known you so long, so well." "Known you when you were little and defenceless and uncomplicated." "Henry." " Sarah." "Oh, hello, Bendrix." " Henry." "How are you, darling?" "And how are you?" "How's the war going in your department?" "Oh, well, I'm in Pensions, you know, so I keep busy." "Henry and his widows." "It used to be old ones, and I didn't mind so much." "But now, all these young widows, most of them with so little to remember." " It's very troubling." " Whisky, gin?" "I should be going." "It's my fire-watching night." " You do need a drink." "Whisky." " I hear they do a good job." "I'm getting a fine view of London rooftops." "If I were a painter I might put it to some use." "Oh, that reminds me." "There's something I meant to suggest to you." " Something you might like to use." " I?" "In your book about the civil servant." " Oh, yes." " Thank you, dear." "Well, a lot of our chaps have hobbies." "In fact, it seems to be rather the thing among civil servants, music, painting, writing." "We even have an amateur geologist and quite a fair poet." "And what's yours, Henry?" "What do you have for a hobby?" "I haven't any." "I don't seem to need one." "I should be leaving." "Thank you, Henry." "It was very kind of you to think about my book." "Well, that sort of thing rounds off a character, doesn't it?" " It helps." "Don't bother." "I know the way out." " Oh, I'll see you down." "What is it, darling?" " Didn't you mind?" " Mind?" "You don't even know what I'm talking about, do you?" " Henry?" " Only the moment matters with you, Sarah." "First the moment with me, and now the moment with him." " Oh, Maurice, please." " Not here, Sarah, not again." "Anyplace but here." "In the months we spent together, there was hardly a part of London that we didn't explore." "I knew now that whether for joy or misery, I was committed to this one woman for as long as she would have me." "And I marvelled that a love I had entered into so lightly could grow into a deep and abiding passion, one which dominated my whole life." "For, as other men have done, I convinced myself that Sarah was a woman made for peace and permanence and for lasting love." "If only it were with me." "Isn't life absurd?" "To think one could buy a whole day's happiness with three gallons of petrol." "Your friend has good taste." "Do you come down here often?" "When I can." "She's very accommodating." "Besides, she's away a lot." "Aren't you glad I made you put your work aside?" "Maurice, do you remember when..." "I like it when you start a sentence with, "Do you remember."" "Why?" "Well, it gives continuity to our lives together." "It means we have a past as well as a present." "We lack only a future." "We're not the only ones living from day to day." " What were you saying before?" " Oh, I don't know." "Something foolish." "I like the foolish things." "In the beginning, it's all so serious and tense." "Then the fun creeps in, the foolishness." "Tell me." " But I've..." " Go on, tell me." "Well, I was thinking about that wintry day when we walked across the fields and everything was all icy." "Even the bristles on your chin were covered with ice." "And there was a little hollow under a tree and you made a pile of leaves for me to lie on." "And you held me and warmed me." "And when we started on our way again, we saw footprints, and we knew that someone had walked by quite closely." " We never even noticed." " You're making it up." "Could be true." "Anything about us could be true." "What made you think of the footprints?" " I had to think of something." " Couldn't have been imagination." "Oh, Maurice, everybody imagines things, not only writers." "Oh, it is nice being here, and I do love you." "You say that as if you were saying, "It's a nice day."" "Well, why not?" "It's a simple fact, like saying the world is round, or that the grass is green, or the rain is wet." "Is there no special way?" "Well, now, let me see." "It isn't because you're handsome, which you're not." "It isn't because you're clever, which you are." "Not why, how." "Like salt in my food." "When I'm not with you everything seems flat and tasteless." "Well, Miss Palmer, I've kept my word." "Though I did have to hide behind a hedge when I saw the vicar passing." "But I promised you the first one I had to spare." "And it's a beauty, if I do say it." "Why, it's Mrs Miles!" "Yes, and it's so nice to see you again, Mrs Tomkins." "Well, I'm sure I can say the same." "And you've brought Mr Miles with you this time." "That is nice." "I expect you're finding a breath of country air refreshing after all the bombs." " Well, he's been needing a holiday." " Oh, I am glad I saved this." "I can't imagine anyone I'd enjoy having a treat more than one of the men who is winning this war for us." "But mind you, we shall win." "Darling, I think you should take a bow for that." " You're much too kind." " I'll just put this in the meat safe for you." " Shall I, Mrs Miles?" " Lf you will, and thank you, Mrs Tomkins." "It's a pleasure." "And it's a pleasure meeting you, Mr Miles." "Darling, do you think you can trust me to roast a chicken for you properly?" "I see your kettle's just on the boil, so I'll stop and make your tea." "Thank you." "Oh, she is a nice woman." "But I do think you might have been a little more pleasant to her." "What did you want me to do?" "Ask her to have tea with the Miles'?" "Why are you angry?" "What have I done?" "That you can even ask is..." "Letting that woman..." "But it was she who made the mistake, darling." "I'm sorry." "But if I'd explained, it would only have embarrassed her, besides it wouldn't have been kind." " You're always kind, aren't you, Sarah?" " Oh, Maurice, please." "You must bear with me, Sarah." "This is the first time I've ever seen you lie." "That is, to know it." "Never to you, Maurice." "Only the truth, always." "Even as you say that, your face is full of truth." "Just as it was when you lied to that woman." "There." "You can sit down and be cosy." "I always say to my husband when we have our tea together by the fire," ""It's the best part of the day."" "Thank you, Mrs Tomkins." "You've been very thoughtful." " I'll be off then." "Goodbye, Mrs Miles." " Bye." " Goodbye, Mr Miles." " Goodbye." "May I compliment you on your performance?" "Maurice dear, you're making a great deal over nothing." "The woman made a silly mistake, and I didn't correct her." "What's the harm?" "Only the ease with which you did it." "How you could stand there and look at me like I was Henry." "All the love washed out of your face." "I could feel myself turning into your dull husband, and you my..." "Maurice." "And that story about the day in the woods." "I don't believe you made it up." "You haven't that kind of an imagination." "Something that happened to you, and with whom?" " Or don't you even remember?" " You have no right..." "I have no rights where you're concerned, Sarah." "I'm just a passenger in your life, someone you picked up on the way, someone you'll drop off when it suits you." "Oh, my poor Maurice, how you torment yourself." "It's the uncertainty of being apart and Henry." " Do you love me?" " Yes." "Why do you stay with him?" "I want time." "Time?" "Time for what?" "Time for trust." "You have no real trust in me." "It's because we're not together all the time." "It's because I'm not the man for this hole-in-the-corner love." "Oh, Sarah, if only we were married, we could be happy for always." "Can't we be happy just a day at a time?" "Come in." " Sarah." " Oh, I'm too early after all." "No, no." "I lost track of the time." "I'll put my work away." "You're lovely." "Oh, I couldn't resist these." "Aren't flowers sensible?" "The whole world in chaos, and they just keep right on blooming." "It gives me a kind of faith." " In what?" " Oh, I don't know." "That lilacs bloom every year, and apples keep growing on apple trees." "I can't imagine how anybody could be angry on a day like this." " I'm not." " Oh, I didn't mean you." "All those soapbox orators in the park." "I walked by that way and they were all furious about something." "Capitalism, military service, foreign aid." "There was even one man who was angry about God." "Yes." "Actually, it scared me a little, hearing him." "It seemed so, well, risky at a time like this, being rude to God." "I suppose you could picture him getting ready to hurl a thunderbolt." "You don't really believe all that stuff, do you, Sarah?" "It's like not walking under ladders." "No, but then, I don't walk under ladders, either." "Come on." "Come out of your corner." "You've been playing games long enough." "It's that we've looked forward so long to these few days together." "I've been at this window a dozen times since noon." " Oh, I mustn't." " Mustn't what?" "Muss up your hair." "You've just had it done." " I didn't go." " Oh, then I can muss it up." "What happened that you didn't have it done?" "I got the days mixed up." "You did the same thing with the dentist last week." "Yes, I know." " I'm afraid you're hopeless." " Quite." "If you found you were free, you could have come out here." " You said you were gonna work all day." " So I did." "Shall we go to Ruhl's for dinner?" "Why don't you book a table while I go in and brush up?" "All right." "Those don't sound like ordinary bombs." "There's something different." "Please don't go near the window, Maurice." "It's dangerous." " I'll be careful." " Please." "They look like planes on fire, only, they're not." "I can't think of a..." "I think you better get out of here, Sarah, while it's quiet." " I don't like the look of those things." " No, I'd rather stay here." "If anything should happen and you were here." " I'll see you across the square." " Let me stay here with you." "Well, if you won't go home, Sarah, we'd better go to the basement." "It's safer." "Your landlady may be there." "I can't face her." " I'll go down and see." " Maurice, don't go." "Don't leave me." "I'll be right back." "I must go, Sarah, while there's time." "I'll be right back." "Sarah?" "Sarah?" "You." "Oh, God, Maurice, you're alive!" "It's really you." "You're not dead." "Oh, but you're hurt." "Come in here and let me bathe your face." " What were you doing on your knees?" " I don't know." "I was praying, I think." "You should have come downstairs." "I did, but I couldn't see you." "Only your arm stretched out from under the door." "I thought you were dead." "I couldn't lift the door." "I was certain you were dead." "The door wasn't holding me." "At least it didn't seem to be when I crawled out." " How long was I down there?" " I don't know." "Five, ten minutes." "I had such an odd sensation when I came to." "A terrific sense of space and distance, like I'd been on a long journey." " Oh, I wish I could remember." " What?" "I don't know exactly." "Like a dream." "All of this looks a little unreal, even you." "I must go." "I don't like you to leave with these things still hitting." "Still, I don't think you should be here, either." "I'll see you across the square." "No, Maurice." "Please don't." "It's nearly daylight." "Besides, you've had a bad shock." "I begin to feel I have." "Shall I see you tomorrow?" "I don't know." "So this is the end of the three days we'd hoped for together." "Yes, the end." "I'll see you tomorrow." "It may not be safe." "I survived this." "Yes, you did." "But when shall I see you?" "Don't look so frightened." "Love doesn't end just because we don't see each other." "Sarah!" "Sarah!" "She had disappeared." "It was almost as though this were all happening in some bad dream." "But then as the effects of the bomb began to assert themselves," "I found I couldn't think about Sarah clearly." "For the next several days, I had what the doctors called "delayed shock."" "I was bruised from the shoulders to the knees, and they couldn't understand why every bone in my body wasn't broken." "But worse than all this was not being able to reach Sarah." "As soon as I could, I tried to get to her." "But it was always the same." "Mrs Miles is not at home." "Mrs Miles left no message." "Mrs Miles is out of town." "And then the memory came, the memory of that look on Sarah's face when she said, "Maurice, you're not dead."" "And suddenly I knew." "I knew that she'd been lying in that expert way of hers when she said she loved me." ""Maurice, you're not dead," she said." "And all the time, at heart, she'd been hoping for my death, so that she could leave me with an easy conscience." "And with that thought, my jealousy turned to hate." "And my hatred turned inward, and I even thought of killing myself." "But the moment passed, and I decided to go away, to forget Sarah and that I once loved her." "A year had passed." "The war was over, and the lights were beginning to come on again." "I came back to my rooms on the square since I was convinced that I had pushed Sarah out of my life." "For I thought of her only rarely now, and always with hate." "I had worked all day at my new book, but it had gone badly." "The words were heavy, and I pushed them along until I was bone-tired." "I needed to stretch my legs and escape from my own company." "Halfway across the square, I saw Henry Miles walking ahead of me." "My first instinct was to avoid him, for I told myself that I hated Henry, too, as much as I hated his wife, Sarah." "And then it was as if a hand plucked at my elbow, almost as if a voice whispered," ""Speak to him." "Catch up with him." "Speak to him. "" " Henry!" " Bendrix." "Well, you're almost a stranger." "What are you doing out in the rain?" "Oh, just wanted a spot of air." "And Sarah's out for the evening somewhere." " The cinema?" " Oh, no, no." "She hardly ever goes." "She used to." "Well, it's been a long time since we've seen you, Bendrix." " A long time." " Well, well." "They sound happy, don't they?" "When you're miserable, you envy other people's happiness." "Are you miserable?" "I'm worried." "I'm worried about Sarah." " Is she ill?" " No." "I don't think so, not ill." "I can't talk here, Bendrix." "Come back to the house with me." "Will Sarah be back?" "I don't expect so." "Come in, Bendrix." "Sarah." "Sarah." "She's still out." "Take your coat off, Bendrix." "We'll go in here." " I don't think I've seen this room before." " It's my study." " You spend much time in it?" " Yes, quite a good deal." "Whenever Sarah's out." " Bendrix, I'm afraid." " What are you afraid of?" "Well, I've always thought that the worst thing that any man could do, the very worst..." "You know, you can trust me, Henry." "Read this, Bendrix." ""In reply to your inquiry," ""I would suggest that you employ the services of a fellow called Savage," ""159 Vigo Street." ""From all reports, he has the reputation of being both able and discreet."" "Well, I haven't done anything about it, but that letter has sat on my desk reminding me." "It seems so silly, doesn't it, that I can trust Sarah absolutely not to read it." "She comes in here a dozen times a day, and yet I can't trust her." "Well, she's out for a walk now, Bendrix." "A walk." "You mean you want a private detective to follow Sarah?" "Yes." "They always say, don't they, that the husband is the last person to know." "Really, Henry, you amaze me." "One of His Majesty's most respected civil servants." "I imagined that your mind was as neatly creased as your trousers." "Well, I thought tonight when I saw you in the square that if I told you and you laughed at me, I might be able to burn the letter." " You do think that I'm a fool, don't you?" " No, I don't think you're a fool, Henry." "After all, Sarah's human." " Do you mean you think it's possible?" " Well, I..." "And I always thought you were a special friend of hers, Bendrix." "Well, I only said it was possible, Henry." "I know." "I'm sorry." "But you can't think what it's been like all these months." "I never know where she is or what she's doing." "And she's away at all hours, Bendrix, with no explanation." "Why not go and see this Mr Savage yourself?" "Then you'd know." "Oh, but just think." "Sitting there in front of a desk, in a chair all the other jealous husbands have sat in?" "No, I couldn't." "Why not let me go, Henry?" " You?" " I could pretend to be a jealous lover." "They're less ridiculous than jealous husbands." " Would you really do that for me, Bendrix?" " Of course I would." "I don't know what I'm thinking about." "One can't spy on one's wife through a friend, and that friend pretend to be her lover." "Well, it's not done, Henry, but the not-done things are done every day." " I've done most of them myself." " Oh, no." "No." "You're a good chap, Bendrix, but it's unthinkable." "It's quite unthinkable." "All I needed was a good chat just to clear my head." "Put it down to nerves, I haven't been sleeping very well, you know." "But I'll be better now." "There." "Now let me pour you a drink." "The name was Savage, 159 Vigo Street." "There's Sarah." "No, it's the maid." "She's been out this evening." "That's Sarah's step." "You." "It's nice to see you." "Sarah, darling." "Bendrix and I met in the square." "And I just brought him in for a drink and a chat." "How did you ever get so wet?" "You know, one of these days you'll catch your death of cold." "I went out for a walk." "Just the night for a walk." "Good night." "I assume we are discussing Mrs Bendrix." "No, no, she's the wife of a friend of mine." "Her husband thinks she's deceiving him." " You said the husband sent you?" " No." " Then you and the lady are..." " No." "I've only seen her once in more than a year." "I don't quite understand." "This is a watching case, you said." "Well, can't suspicion or curiosity last as long as that?" "Of course, if you prefer to think of me as one of your jealous clients..." "Now, please, there is nothing wrong with jealousy." "I always salute it as the mark of true love." "As a matter of fact, my dear sir, it completes the circle." "You see, one cannot be jealous without being in love." "To be in love is to desire, and to desire is to want to possess." "And to want to possess is to want to protect." "And to want to protect is to be suspicious of others." "And to be suspicious of others is to be jealous." "You see, it all ties back to love, man's noblest frailty." "Besides, without this noble emotion, we would be out of business in a week." "I'm afraid I don't know your charges." "Three guineas a day and the expenses, which, of course, must be approved, the odd coffee, you know." "Hello." "Is Mrs Miles in?" "What time do you expect her?" "Around 2:30." "I'll call back around then if I can." "Thank you." "Sarah." "This is a surprise, our meeting twice in so short a time." "Yes, we don't meet often." "I've been away." " You're looking well." " Thanks." "So are you." "I couldn't, really." "I've got this dreadful cold." "It's the weather you keep." " Homeward bound?" " Yes." " Are you on a new book?" " Yes." "Did you ever finish that other one?" "The civil servant thing, the one I hated?" "No." "I was afraid you might have." "A book takes a year to write." "It's too hard work for revenge." "If you knew how little you had to revenge." "I'm joking." "We had a good time together." "Now, you see, we can meet like old friends." "After all, we're adults." "We knew it had to end sometime." "What happened to us, Sarah?" "Why haven't I seen you all this time?" "What did I do?" "Nothing, nothing." "You did nothing." "I was to blame all the way." "I..." " Sorry." " You ought to take care of that." "I'll be all right." "Bye, Maurice." "Come in." "A Mr Parkis to see you." "I'm Mr Savage's man, sir." "Oh, yes." "Well, come in." "I'll just finish shaving." "Have a cigarette." "There are some there on the table." "Oh, no, sir, not on duty." "Except, of course, for purposes of concealment." " You're not on duty now." " In a manner, sir, while I make my report." " You've something to report?" " Well, it's not quite a blank sheet, sir." "Well, sit down." "You make me uncomfortable." " Shall I start now, sir?" " Yes." "Go right ahead." "I'm just finishing." "I had ascertained, by means which I shall go into later, that the party in question was lunching at a restaurant known as The Bagatelle, and I thought it highly likely that she was lunching with the other party in question." " So me and my boy..." " "Boy"?" "Oh, yes." "I let him help me on school holidays." "Sir, I'm training him in the business." " How old is he?" " He's gone 12." "A youngster can be very useful, you know." "It sure costs nothing except an odd comic now and again." "Besides, no one notices him." "Boys are born lingerers." "Seems odd work for a boy." "Well, sir, he doesn't understand the real significance, you know." "I mean, if it came to breaking into a bedroom, of course, I'd leave him behind." "His mother's dead." "Well, now, to get back to the work at hand." "I kept a sharp lookout and I hadn't long to wait before the party in question came out." "But she was alone, sir." "Of course, it's quite customary, you know, for people in their situation to separate inside the restaurant." "To paraphrase an old adage, if I may, sir, "Practise makes caution."" "What then?" "Her next move was to hail a taxi." "And, of course, I stood by, all ears, ready to catch the address." " Yes?" " But she changed her mind and turned away, walking briskly." "Me and my boy following at a discreet distance." "You know, I was really disappointed when I saw her take a bus." "I nearly abandoned the search then." "I mean, not much use in following a lady home, if you know what I mean." "But acting purely on impulse, so to speak, me and my boy hopped on." "But when she got off, she walked a few paces, where a gentleman was waiting, obviously by appointment, although, of course, he pretended it was a surprise meeting." "That's quite a usual trick, you know." "The parties greeted each other in an offhand, nonchalant way." "Pitiful performance, I thought." "Then after a moment, they moved on." "Me and my boy following while they walked..." "Toward her house." "Well, you're very sharp, sir." "You know, I was under the impression that they were labouring under great emotion." " Both?" " Oh, yes, sir." "Then the gentleman made, what seemed to me to be, a desperate plea." "So that's how it looked." "At this point, my boy ran ahead, bouncing his ball." "And you know, sir, he said the lady looked ready to weep her eyes out." " Is that all?" " Oh, just one thing more, sir." "After this incident, I thought the gentleman was going to kiss the party in question." "But the moment passed, and they separated, going in opposite directions." "The gentleman barged into me, actually knocking my hat off." "You know, it occurred to me, sir, that they might be separating for good." "A very happy ending to this investigation, if I may say so." "Possibly." "But you're wrong about the separating." "The party in question and I separated some months ago." "Oh, really, sir?" "Well, that's very..." "Oh, gorblimey." "It was you, sir." " Oh, this is dreadful." " Not at all." "If you look at it from the outside, it's really rather funny." "Yeah." "But I'm on the inside, sir." "I mean, it's my boy." "He started with great ideas about me." "You know, the kind of reading they do, sir." "Nick Carter and the like." "Why should he have to know about this?" "Well, you've got to play it straight with a child, sir." "Besides, he's bound to ask questions." "Oh, couldn't you tell him that I've been able to identify the man, just that, and that I wasn't interested?" "Well, I'm sorry, sir, taking up your time with my problems." "I've enjoyed it, Mr Parkis." "Now, try not to worry." " I can see that your boy takes after you." " Well, he's got his mother's brain, sir." " Well, good night, sir." " Good night." "I watched him from my window." "His thin raincoat turned up against the weather." "And I thought with something like pity of this floater." "And yet the little man had an odd kind of perception, thinking we had wanted to kiss, for instance." "When it was my hope and my desire that he sensed, and the memory of all Sarah had once meant to me." "And with the speed of unwelcome thoughts, my mind went back to the real beginning, and I wished as I had so many times, that I'd never met her." "That I had never gone to Henry's house in the first place." "Then Sarah would be only a name." " Hello?" " This is Parkis speaking, sir." "I'm in a phone booth opposite number 12 Cedar Road." "May I suggest you join me here at once, sir?" "Because in a few moments, the party in question will press a bell at number 12." "I'll have a cab waiting, sir." "We can remain inside for purposes of concealment." "You see, sir, the house is divided into four flats." "But so far, we've not been able to ascertain which bell-push she uses." "But today we shall find out." "I've put a bit of flour on each push button, sir." "When the party in question goes inside, we shall see which bell-push has been used." "We shall then know the party of the other part." " In short, the man." " Brilliant." "Thank you, sir." "But there's something even better, sir." " Better?" " Yes, sir." "Me and my boy have been able to make friendly contact with the domestic." " With the what?" " The maid, sir." "A very important person in cases like these." "And she's been able to tell us a great deal about the habits of the party in question." "It's not always easy, you know, sir." "Some domestics are very standoffish, but, well, I seem to have a way with them." " I'm sure you have." " Thank you, sir." "Well, as a result of this friendly contact," "I've been able to inspect the contents of the party's wastepaper basket." "And I've pieced together what I think is a very interesting exhibit." "A letter, sir, written by the party in question herself." "I don't think you quite understand, sir." "A letter, especially of this character, is something one doesn't often come across, you know." "I regard it as a very choice find." "Don't burn it, sir!" "In view of possible proceedings, all documentary evidence should be preserved and observations noted." "Oh." "Oh, sorry, sir." "I know that I must face up to all my old loyalties, all my old fears and promises, and see them in their true perspective." "For I realise that nothing matters, except that we should be together, now and forever." "Here she is, sir, right on the dot." "I should give it a few moments, sir." " Now should be all right." " I'll go." " But, sir..." " You wait here." " Which one, sir?" " Smythe." "I plumped for Thompson." " Will you be bursting in, sir?" " No." " Oh." "You'd rather I burst?" " No." "Is Mr Miles there, please?" "Hello, Henry?" "Bendrix." "Could you arrange to see me this afternoon?" "I think you'll find it very important." "We could meet at my club." "Good. 5:00, then." "Goodbye." " Hello, Bendrix." " Henry, how are you?" " I ordered you a sherry." "Sit down." " How nice of you." "Thank you." " How's Sarah?" " Oh, she's pretty well." " And you, Henry?" "Are you still worried?" " Worried?" " You were worried." "You told me so." " Was I?" " Did you ever consult that detective?" " I hoped you'd forgotten about that." "I wasn't well." "Frightfully overworked at the time." "Cheerio." " It's rather good sherry." " You remember I offered to see him for you?" "We were both a bit overwrought." "I've never been in this club of yours before, Bendrix." "I went to see him a few days later." "Bendrix, you had absolutely no right." "But you had confided in me, Henry." "And you were quite right in your suspicions." "This is unspeakable, Bendrix." " Slandering a man's wife to his face." " I know, I know, it isn't done." "One doesn't talk about one's wife." "But you did." "You talked to me." "I think you ought to read this report." "If it isn't true, you should let Sarah clear herself, if she can." "You owe her that, if you believe in her." " The facts are still there, Henry." " I don't believe they are facts." "Not for one moment." "And now if you'll excuse me." "Just a minute, Henry." "This is Sarah's writing?" ""For the first time in my life, I am not unsure or afraid of the future." ""I realise that nothing matters, except that we should be together," ""now and forever."" "Now, will you please let me pass?" "I really brought it off this time, sir." "It was a bit risky, but I thought with so many people coming and going," "I could always say I was looking for the bathroom." "I had to do it hastily, you know, sir, for if the party in question had seen this in my hand, the game would have been up good and proper." " I don't understand." " Through the maid, sir," "I ascertained that Mr and Mrs Miles was giving a cocktail party this afternoon." "And, sir, I crashed it." "Now, see here, my boy, if you're going to fidget, you can go straight down the street and wait for me there." " But, Dad, I..." " Mind what I say." "We'll have an ice cream on the way home, eh?" "I'm sorry I had to speak a bit sharply to him, sir." "But I do like to have him out of the way when I'm disclosing a pièce de résistance." "And if this isn't one, then my name's not Albert Parkis." " What have you got there?" " You just wait and see, sir." "Of course, it would expedite matters if you had a knife." "Oh, yes." "If I may say so, sir, it's moments like these, when a man feels his work is really worthwhile." "Thank you, sir." " What's this?" "Household accounts?" " Better than that, sir." "Far better." "The party in question keeps a journal." " You mean a diary?" " In a way, sir." "And it goes back quite a time." " Have you read this?" " Oh, no, sir." "It's not my business to pry into people's private affairs." "But I've ascertained its nature, and from one entry alone," "I should say she wasn't exactly what one might call the cautious type." "Well, I'm glad to have this, of course." "Very glad." "Well, thank you, sir." "It wasn't too difficult, you know, sir." "There was quite a crush." "And Mrs Miles thought I was one of Mr Miles' friends from the ministry, and Mr Miles thought I was one of her friends." "I related one or two humourous anecdotes I reserve for social occasions of this sort." "As a matter of fact, although I say it myself, I think I contributed in no small way to what turned out to be a highly successful party." " But..." " But what?" "Well, I don't know whether this is relevant, sir, but..." "Well, I didn't like the look of the party in question." "I didn't like it at all." " What do you mean?" " A very nasty cough she had, sir." "And her face, well, it was all peaked and drawn." "I didn't think she ought to have been out of bed, sir." "I see." "Well, you know, I think we can close our account now." " Do I pay you or Mr Savage?" " Oh, Mr Savage, sir." "But if you've been satisfied," "I wonder whether you'd be good enough to write the office." " It does help, you know, sir." " I'll write." "Thank you, sir." "Oh, and thank you, sir, for being so kind to Lance." " Lance?" " The boy, sir." "After Sir Lancelot of King Arthur's court." " That's an odd person to name the boy after." " Well, he found the Holy Grail, sir." "That was Galahad." "Lancelot fell in love with another man's wife." "I hadn't heard." "Well, you've done very well." "I'll write a fine report." "Oh, thank you, sir." " Well, goodbye, sir." " Goodbye." "Even as I write this page, it is already tomorrow." "And I am afraid of reaching the end of yesterday." "As long as I go on writing, it is today, and we are still together." "I woke this morning with such a sense of happiness that it spread like sunlight over all the hours of the day." "I wasn't even impatient to get to Maurice, for we were, at last, going to have an undisturbed time together." "As I did the flowers, I chatted on to Maurice just as if we had nothing better to do." "I didn't even kiss him when I arrived, for I knew just by his lighted cigarette on the windowsill that he had been watching for me and was only pretending to be busy." "Dear Maurice." "I love him in such a special way when he thinks he's being clever." "When the sirens began, we paid no attention to them." "They didn't matter." "We were used to the bombs, and we weren't afraid of dying that way." "But then the raid went on and on, and we knew it wasn't an ordinary one." "Maurice begged me to go home, but I wouldn't." "So then he said he'd go down to the basement to see if anyone was there." "He was afraid about me, and I was afraid about him." "I knew something was going to happen." "Oh, God, don't let him be dead." "Never to be happy again, not with anyone." "Someone else could have loved him and made him happier than I did." "All I ever brought him was misery and suspicion." "Give him that chance." "I love him, I'll do anything, only just let him be alive." "I'll never quarrel with him again or make him unhappy." "I'll be sweet and kind and good." "I will be good." "I'll live as you would want me to live." "I'll give Maurice up forever, only just let him be alive!" "Just let him be alive!" "Sarah." "Sarah." "I imagined it all." "It was sheer hysteria." "That and fear." "He wasn't dead." "He couldn't have been." "It was all stupid and childish, and tomorrow it will seem absurd." "I'll tell him about my promise, and he'll laugh at me, and then I can laugh at myself and forget the whole thing." "I'll go into his arms and pick up where we left off and everything will be the same again." "Oh, God." "He's trying to remember something, and I know what it is." "He's trying to remember what it was like to be dead." "Oh, my darling, I wish you were safely back dead again, under that door." "Now the agony of being without you starts." "It's hardly decent for a man to rush into God's presence without even a prayer to announce his coming." "We can pray now." "Not much more we can do for those in there." "From sudden death, oh, Lord, deliver us." "You wish to speak to me?" "I'm not a Catholic." " Lost someone in the bombing?" " Yes." "I have lost someone." "Given him up." "That's what we must all do sometime, give up those we love." "But I needn't have." "You see, I followed him downstairs after the bomb hit." " I'm very sorry." " But he wasn't killed." "I mean, I thought he was." "I found him under a door, a heavy door." "Only his arm showed." "His dead arm." "I touched his hand." "I could have sworn it was a dead hand." "When two people have loved each other, wouldn't I have recognised?" "He was your husband?" "We'd planned for the very first time to spend these few days together." "Only, we never had them." "Just a few hours." "But I was more certain than I ever had been before, that we could have made a lasting happiness together." "You see, I've made him very unhappy." "That's why I promised what I did." "It was..." "Of course, it was all hysteria." "People always are hysterical at times like this, aren't they?" "What did you promise?" "Well," "I know that it sounds absurd now, but..." "I thought I'd prayed him alive." " That is absurd, isn't it?" " No." "But people don't come alive." "When they're dead, they're dead as mutton." "At any rate, I..." "I prayed." "I made that stupid promise, and then he..." "He walked into the room." "So it was all a mistake." "I'm sorry." "I shouldn't be wasting your time like this." "You must have been up half the night." "You look very tired." "I know when I'm wasting my time." "You haven't told me yet what it was you promised, or to whom?" "I promised that if" "God gave him back his life," "I mean, let him not be dead," "I wouldn't be with him again." "I suppose that doesn't sound like much of a sacrifice to you, but to make a sort of reckless promise like that and to a God I made out of my own fear..." "I don't see that you have any problem." "If you made a vow to someone you don't believe in, why keep it?" "Are you telling me to break it?" "God gave us our free will to use for him or against him." "God, always God." "Can you priests say nothing else?" "There is nothing else." "If there is a God, then he put the thought of that prayer in my mind and I hate him for it." "Of course, I took the first train back." "Well, the reports down in the country were pretty surprising, you know." "No, mine wasn't hit, I'm thankful to say." "Oh, yes, quite a bit of damage nearby." "The house of a friend of mine, as a matter of fact." "Oh, yes, we'll have to make some sort of announcement." "Well, people know already they're not the usual thing by the way they're hit." "Yes, indeed." "Well, I shall be going back as soon as I see my wife." "I will." "Thank you." "Goodbye." "Sarah darling!" "Sarah, you've been out." "I've been walking around for hours." " Darling, you know that's not safe." " I had to see what happened." "Did you go by Bendrix' house?" "I looked in, but they'd carted him off to hospital." " Hospital?" " There's no injuries." "Delayed shock, they called it." "I say, Sarah darling." "You look pretty done in yourself." "Are you quite sure you're all right?" " Your tea, sir." " Bring another cup, please." "Yes, sir." "I came up to town as soon as I heard about it." "Fortunately, it all happened near daylight, so you were at home." "I tried to telephone, but I couldn't get through." "There were so many priority calls." "Here you are, dear." "You drink that." "What's the matter with your hands?" "They're all scratched and grubby." " I tried to help someone." " There's not much one can do, I'm afraid." " Your cup, sir." " Thank you." "It's the suddenness of these things." ""From sudden death, oh, Lord, deliver us."" "Yes, we all pray for that." "Do you pray, Henry?" " One is taught to." " But do you now?" "In church, whenever I go." "You don't believe it's all superstition?" "The church and prayers, and promises to God," " and the whole business?" " Really, Sarah." "What do you believe in, Henry?" "All these years I've been married to you, I've never really known." "I've never even asked." "Do you believe that there's a Hell and a Heaven?" "And an immortal soul and a God who rewards and punishes and answers prayers?" "Well, it's not exactly the sort of thing to go into over a cup of tea." "Well, why not?" "If there is a God, he made us as we are, eating and drinking and sleeping." "Not just sitting in a church on Sunday." "What is your religion, Henry?" "What do you believe in?" "It's all quite simple, really." "One just does one's best." "Sarah, what is it?" "Sarah, darling, this business has all been too much for you." "I'm taking you back to the country with me." "It's no good saying no, because I've made up my mind." "Now, let's see." "Yes." "If you pack quickly, we can catch the next train." "I'll be away at a lot of meetings, but it's a quiet area." "And you can rest." "I tell you, it's all a delusion, a trick!" "Do you think a merciful or an all-powerful God would permit these mass murders?" "These mutilations?" "If man was made in God's image, was it in order that he might be blown to bits?" "People are longing for a message of hope." "Can't you see what hope there'd be if everyone in the world knew there was nothing else but what we have here?" "No future rewards, compensations, punishments." "Then we'd begin to make this world a real heaven!" " So you've heard me speaking in the park?" " Yes." "I have to put things very simply there, sting people into thinking for themselves." "You've started thinking for yourself?" "I suppose so." " You say you don't belong to any church?" " No." " You have no fixed religious belief?" " No." "Well, then I don't see why you regard a promise such as yours as binding." "Well, it was more than just a promise." "It was a kind of prayer." " And it was answered?" " Yes." "By whom?" "God, I suppose." "You mean, above all the bombing and the cries of men in battle, some supreme being heard your little cry of help?" "You make it sound very foolish." "A being who said, "Oh, dear." "She's asked for it so prettily," ""I suppose I must take time off to arrange whatever it is she wants."" "My dear Mrs Miles, you don't actually believe that, do you?" "I don't want to believe it." "That's why I'm here." "From what you tell me, you've been through a disturbing experience." "And it's natural you should be confused." "Particularly since you imagined you had an answer to prayer." "It's like a child who's scared of the dark, calls out, "Mother."" "And when she brings the light into the room, the child thinks she's all-powerful." "But are we to be children all our lives?" "Sometimes one wants to be." "But go on." "Convince me." "I'm the most willing convert you ever had." "And then it was over, the war had ended." "And Henry and I went down to St James' Park and watched them celebrate VE Day." "The crowd was rather quiet at the palace." "Nobody shouted too much or sang too much or got too drunk." "They were just happy because this was peace and there were no more raids." "People stood with their arms about each other or holding hands, not worrying whether they'd be seen or not." "And then the royal family came out on the balcony." "They weren't leaders like Hitler, Stalin, Churchill, or Roosevelt." "They were just a family who hadn't done any harm to anybody." "And there was a big, affectionate murmur from the crowd as if they were saying," ""We did it." "We pulled through." "We stuck together. "" "And suddenly, I wanted Maurice beside me." "I wanted to be one of the family, too." "It was very moving, wasn't it?" "Well, we can all sleep at night now." "Can we?" "Sarah dear, something rather pleasant has happened to me." "I was going to tell you about it, but with all this going on it seemed rather unimportant." " Well, don't you want to know what it is?" " Oh, yes, of course." "I'm sorry, Henry." "I've just been told they're recommending me for an OBE." " How nice." " It's only the first step, you know." "In a year or two, it'll be a CBE, and if all goes well, when I retire, they'll probably make me a KBE." "It all sounds very important, but awfully confusing." " Couldn't they stick to the same initial?" " Really, Sarah." "Wouldn't you like to be called Lady Miles?" "That's all I want it for." "Whatever little I may have accomplished," "I couldn't have done any of it alone, you know." "You're far too modest, Henry." "You might have done much better without me." "I feel as if I were without you now, Sarah." "What do you mean?" "You're out so much." "You keep such odd hours." "Always taking long walks." " One goes through restless phases." " Oh, no, I'm afraid it's more than that." "You're not overdrawn at the bank or anything like that?" "Oh, no, no, no." "I spend practically nothing." " Is your mother leaving us?" " Oh, no, dear." "Of course not." " Sarah dear, if I can be of any help." " Yes." "Yes, thank you, Henry." "So you've come back." " You remember." " Naturally." "Well, if you're going to ask me if I kept my promise, the answer is yes." "Only, there's no virtue in it." "I'd do much better to turn back and be a cheerful sinner than go on in this dreary way." "Now that I'm what they call good, I'm no good to anyone." "You've had a great experience, you know, and you're trying to reject it." "You can't." "In that one moment of acknowledgement of God, you took the first step of a long journey." "You can turn back, but nothing will ever change the fact that you once took that step." "You may find it further and more painful to go back than to go on." "Oh, no." "The time ahead is endless." "Prayer could help to make it shorter." "I prayed once too often." "When we seek God, it means we've already found him." "But I don't want him." "And what does he want with me?" "What can I offer him except a shabby second best?" "I'm afraid he's used to that." "How sad for him." "As I was leaving, I couldn't think why I had lighted the candle." "Bravado, I suppose." "But I should have known better." "Whenever I have a good impulse, I get punished." "I prayed once and promised once, and see what happened to me." "And then..." "Well, what's the harm in a six-penny candle?" "There was even a rather nice thought to it." "A tiny flame reaching upward in the darkness." ""Sarah, Sarah, burning bright In the forests of the night"" "Then I began to wonder if what the priest had said had any truth in it." "Perhaps I should take a step." "Perhaps I should give God a chance." "After all, if there were nothing in it, what harm would it do?" "And if there were something in it..." "For the first time in months, I felt a little tremble of happiness." "I was almost afraid to put it into words for fear it would vanish." "As I turned in at the house, I remember saying," ""It's only a tiny flicker, no more than a candle flame," ""but it has light and it has warmth." ""If I can only keep it burning just for a little while. "" "All those months of loss and longing, and all I could say was, "You."" "Good night." "It took everything I had to make my legs carry me up those stairs, away from him." "It isn't fair!" "It isn't fair!" "Don't you want my belief?" "Maurice, darling." "Just to feel my hand form these words brings you close to me again." "And even though I find it hard to forget the look of misery on your face when we met in the square, I know that you still love me." "For you wanted so to hurt me." "And now, my darling, for the first time in my life, I am not unsure or afraid of the future." "I know that I must face up to all my old loyalties, all my old fears and promises, and see them in their true perspective." "For I realise that nothing matters except that we should be together, now and forever." "You were right." "We can find peace and permanence and lasting love." "Maurice dear, this is the first love letter I ever wrote in my life, and I find it difficult." "Too difficult." "I couldn't put such things on paper." "I wanted to say it all, to speak the words to him, to see the desolation leave his face." " I've been waiting for you all week." " Yes, I know." "I've been very busy making plans." "What is it, Sarah?" "What's happened to you?" " I've come to say goodbye." " Goodbye?" " You look very happy about it." " Yes." "Yes, I am, suddenly." "Quite happy." "You see, I'm going back to Maurice." " So I did convince you after all?" " You helped." "Helped you to find your way out of that swamp of fear and superstition?" "No, Richard." "You helped me to find God." "You taught me to believe in him." " I taught you?" " By your hate." "Richard, you can't hate something that isn't there." "No, don't be angry with me." "I tried." "I sat here and listened." "I know the whole argument, and I don't believe a word of it." "So the bag of tricks wins in the end." "But you made a vow, and now you're deliberately planning to break it." "Well, that's what you've been persuading me to do, isn't it?" " That's why I've been coming here." " Yes, yes." "But to break it on rational grounds." "That's believing in God and then defying him." "That frightens you, doesn't it?" "But it doesn't frighten me." "It all seems very simple." "If I can love God after all he's made me suffer, why shouldn't he love me, too, even if I do disappoint him a little?" "It's easy for you to accept the idea of God." "You have no complaint." "But why should I love a God who let me be born with this?" "Oh, my dear Richard, your belief is far deeper than mine." "I can't bear your pity." "Goodbye, Richard." "Sarah?" "Sarah?" "Where are you, Sarah?" "Sarah?" " Sarah?" " What is it, Henry?" " Oh." "You're here." " Yes, I'm here." "You're home early." "Yes." "I had a drink with Bendrix at his club." "And when we'd finished, it wasn't worthwhile going back to the office." "My head aches so badly." "It's because you're not wearing your glasses." "I broke them." "I love you, Sarah." "Do you know that?" "Yes." "I know I'm dull for you." "My friends are dull." "We no longer, you know, do anything together." "Well, it has to stop sometime in any marriage." " We're good friends." " Oh, no." "No, I can never think of you as a friend." "You can do without a friend, and I can't do without you." " Henry, what is it?" " It's nothing." " Did Maurice say something to upset you?" " Of course not." "How could he?" "It's just that I can't do without you." "Because you see, Sarah, it's too late to begin again." "And I don't want anyone else." "I don't even mind not having a family, not having a child, because I know you can't." " Who told you?" " It doesn't matter." " My mother?" " It doesn't matter." "And you knew, you always knew?" "It made no difference." "I had you." "Dear Sarah, I haven't been much of a husband, but stick it out a few more years." "I will try." "I won't leave you, Henry." "I promise." "Another promise to keep." "And once again, the door has closed against Maurice." "Only, I can't put the blame on God this time." "I closed the door myself." "I cannot write in this book any longer." "It has become only a record of pain." "I want to be with Maurice, as I used to be in the old days." "I want to be eating sandwiches with him." "I want to be drinking with him in a bar." "I'm tired and I don't want any more pain." "I want Maurice." "I want ordinary human love." "Good evening." "This is Mrs Miles speaking." "I know." "I know your voice, Sarah." "You!" "What, no." "Please, no." "I can't see you." "I'm in bed." "I'm speaking from there now." "I mean, I'm ill." "Well, no, it's nothing." "It's just a very bad cold." "Listen, Maurice, please don't come here." "I can't see you." "Well, I won't be here." "I'll get up." "I'll tell the maid not to let anyone in." "Please, Maurice, I'm asking you." "I haven't asked anything of you for a very long time." "Maurice dear, please promise you won't." "I swear I'll get up." "I'll get dressed." "I'll leave the house, if you don't promise." "Taxi!" "Sarah." "Oh, Maurice." "You've driven me out of my house, out of my bed." "At least leave me in peace here." " Peace is for the old and defeated." " And for me, if I can hold to it." "But it's not life, Sarah." "There's peace and forgetfulness in a grave." " Yes, yes." " But not yet." "Not for us." "This is where we begin again." "All the misery is behind us now." "It was my fault, Sarah." "I didn't trust you." "I didn't know enough about you." "But I'm secure now." "And so are you, Sarah." "So are you." " No, I'm afraid." " You needn't be, not any longer." "Listen to me, Sarah, very carefully." "You cannot move about with a cold like this." "I want you to go home and take care of yourself for a few days." "I'll find a place somewhere in the country where you can be quiet and rest." "I shan't come near you until everything is straight with Henry." "I don't mind waiting." "I can wait for years, now that I know the end of the story." "No, Maurice." "It's too late." "Because he won't let you?" "You're afraid of him?" "It isn't faith you've found, but fear." "Oh, Maurice, please let me be." "For him to destroy?" "You called me a jealous lover." "But I never demanded of you what he demands." "You complained that my love was too possessive, but it's a shadow compared to his." "I only wanted your love." "He wants your life!" " Have mercy on me!" " Has he shown you mercy?" " Yet you cling to him." " I won't listen." " Because you're afraid of the truth." " Oh, Maurice, please." "Please don't drive me away from here." "Why not?" "This place isn't a refuge, it's a prison." "Oh, Sarah." "There's a life for us together." "A good life." "Don't let him cheat you of it." "What has he ever given you but suffering, loneliness, and despair?" "I created it all." "I made my own loneliness and my despair." "I didn't seek God." "I invented a God to suit my own purposes." "Oh, no, Maurice, don't tempt me." "I fought belief longer than I fought love, and I haven't any fight left." "I love you, Sarah." "No one has ever loved you as much before." "We're going to be happy." "Henry won't mind, except in his pride." "Pride soon heals." "He'll find himself a new habit to take your place." "We're going away, Sarah." "No one can stop it now." "You love me." "We'll be together for a lifetime." "No one can stop us." "You ought to go home now, Sarah." "It's cold." "I don't mind the cold." "And it's dark." "I can believe anything in the dark." "Just believe in us." "That's what I meant." "You shouldn't have run away from me like that." "It wasn't you I was running from." "Please, Maurice, leave me now." " You ought to be in bed, Sarah." " I shall be soon." "I just want you to leave me here." " Promise you won't stay long." " Yes, I promise." "Are you telling me the truth?" "You're not planning to run away from me again?" "Maurice, dear Maurice, I haven't got the strength." "I'll plan everything." "You have nothing to think about but getting well." " God bless." " God bless." "I had forgotten how sunny this terrace is." "And quite sheltered from the wind." "Sarah always enjoyed it." "It seems odd to think of Sarah being ill." "Not ill, really." "More a matter of nervous strain, I think." "That's why I thought of you, Miss Palmer." "She needs looking after." "Sarah always needed that." "Well, such an unsettled childhood." " You knew her then?" " I knew her father." "Her real father." "She's very like him, loyal, and affectionate, and gay, but always needing someone." "He died when she was two." "What time are you bringing her down tomorrow?" "When I wrote, I suggested the noon train." "Then I can get back to town the same day." "Sarah should get well here quickly." "You know how to make a place really homelike." "That's a gift old maids seem to have." "That along with another." " What's that?" " Being nosy." "Wait here." "There'll be some luggage coming out." "Would you tell Mrs Miles I'm here, please?" "Mr Miles will see you, sir." "He's upstairs in the drawing room." "Thank you." "Oh, come in." "I'm Sarah's mother, Mrs Bertram." " My name's Bendrix." " Oh, yes." " Will you have a glass of port?" " No, thanks." "I don't often get up here, but Sarah was ill, and Henry sent for me." " Henry sent for you?" "Is it serious?" " Very severe cold." "She's been in and out of bed with it for weeks." " It's a bad winter for colds." " Oh, here's the doctor." "Morning, Mrs Bertram." "How's our patient today?" "The nurse said she'd had a much better night." "Good." "That means she's responding to the penicillin." "But I can't help wishing that I'd been called in sooner." " Oh, Sarah doesn't think much of doctors." " No." "Most healthy people don't." "She was always healthy." "Nothing but measles and chicken pox." "And even those, nothing to speak of." "That's what will pull her through now." "Is Mr Miles upstairs?" "Oh, yes." "He won't leave her." "He's a great worrier, you know." "I must say he was very annoyed when she got up from her sick bed with a raging fever and went out into the rain." "Frightful night it was, too." "That's when he called in Dr Collingwood." "The doctor doesn't seem to be worrying." "No, and he's a specialist, too." "Henry had the best." "I must say, he's given Sarah everything." "I console myself with that." "When things go wrong, I say, "Well, at least Sarah's had everything."" "All but one thing, that is." "Worried about it, in a way." "It's nagged me." "What has?" "I never told another soul." "I think I'm a bit tight." " Do you think I'm a bit tight, Mr Bendrix?" " No, no, of course not." "You see, I was a Catholic once, but my husband wasn't, and he wouldn't let me be." "And he kept on seeing his first wife all the time, and I got so cross." "I said to Sarah, she was only two, "This will be a secret between you and me."" "But it was a good revenge, though, wasn't it?" " Revenge against whom?" " My husband, of course." "We were in France, and I didn't know all the right words, but the priest did it there and then, we took the bus back to lunch." " Did what?" " Baptised her." "Of course, she didn't know what it was all about, but I knew." "I always had a wish that it might take..." " Like a vaccination." " Yes." "I thought it would keep her from making my mistakes." "All those husbands, you know, and not a good one in the lot." "You can't mark a two-year-old child for life with a splash of water and a mumbled prayer." "Besides, it doesn't seem to have taken very well with you." "Oh, I've had a lot of temptation in my life." "Besides, I didn't believe much, you see." "But I expect it'll come all right in the end." "Do you think I should have told Henry?" " A little late in the day, isn't it?" " Yes, you're right." "I see that now." "Unless she gets very sick." " I have a great favour to ask you." " Yes, Mrs Bertram?" "I came up from Brighton today in such a hurry" "I forgot to change the money into my other bag." "Oh, anything I can do." " Lf you could lend me £2?" " Surely." "It's suddenly very quiet up there." "You were so sure." "I've never seen anything like this before." "Her life just seemed to run out." "Just before the end, she started calling, "Father, Father."" "It couldn't have been her own, could it?" "She never knew him." "Sarah, I'm afraid." "Dearest Maurice, I'm writing instead of telephoning." "I can't telephone and hear your voice go strange when I say I'm not going to go away with you." "Because I'm not." "I love you, and I can't see you again." "I don't know how I'm going to live in this pain and longing, and I'm praying to God all the time that he won't be hard." "And I've learned that you must pray the way you make love, with everything you have." "Maurice, my dearest, I believe there is a God." "I believe the whole bag of tricks." "There's nothing I don't believe." "I've fallen into belief the way I fell in love." "I've never loved before as I love you." "And I've never believed in anything before as I believe now." "Maurice dear, don't be angry." "You were on his side all the time without knowing it." "You hated in me the things he hates." "You worked for our separation with your anger and jealousy and your love." "So you see, you're a part of it all, Maurice, just as you're a part of me, and we both are a part of God." "Goodbye, my dearest, dearest love." "Have it your way, Sarah." "I believe that you live, and that he exists." "But I'm tired." "Just give me a little time, Sarah." "Give me a little time."