"¶ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ¶" "¶ Songs that made The Hit Parade ¶" "¶ Guys like us We had it made ¶" "¶ Those were the days ¶" "¶ And you knew Where you were then ¶" "¶ Girls were girls And men were men ¶" "¶ Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again ¶" "¶ Didn't need No welfare state ¶" "¶ Everybody pulled His weight ¶" "¶ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ¶" "¶ Those were the days ¶" "Well, I got to say it for you, Edith." "You done it again." "That there one was a two-notcher." "Oh, thank you, Archie." "Linda, would you like another piece of pie?" "No, thanks, Aunt Edith." "Save it for Gloria." "She's the one that's working overtime." "Wait a minute." "The meathead's working overtime too." "Look at him with his knife and fork." "Come on, will you?" "I just like to eat." "Well, so does a tapeworm, but we don't need one of them in the house neither." "Are you sure, Linda?" "Just a little piece?" "It was delicious, Aunt Edith, but I've already gained four pounds since I've been here." "I have to watch my weight." "The airline is very strict about that." "That's right." "You know," "I've never seen a fat stewardess." "That's because you live in America, Meathead." "The fat dames are flying in them Polack planes." "Archie, that's a cheap joke, and for your information, Polish State Airlines is rated one of the finest airlines in the world, all right?" "They have a perfect safety record." "Good." "I'll buy you a ticket anyplace, one-way." "Look, don't start with me, Archie, all right?" "Mike, would you like another piece of pie?" "Oh, no, thanks, Ma." "It was a great dinner, but I couldn't eat another bite." "Wait a minute." "What was that I hear?" "He can't eat another bite?" "Hold it, world." "One minute of silence." "What for?" "Out of respect, Edith." "The meathead's stomach just died." "Very funny, Arch." "Yeah, well, I thought so." "[BELCHES]" "Archie, we have company." "Linda ain't company." "She's family." "Bring me another coffee, huh?" "Oh, let me do that, Aunt Edith." "I need the practice." "Oh, thank you, Linda." "Okay, Uncle Archie, you're on my plane." "Now, pretend that you're a gentleman flying first-class." "That's gonna take a lot of pretending." "Go ahead, Linda." "Another cup of coffee, sir?" "Yes, thank you very much." "I think I will." "Oh, jeez." "Will you clam up?" "I'm helping the kid with her homework here." "There you are, sir." "And if there's anything else you need, just ring." "Yeah, well, thanks a lot." "Now, that's some style there, huh, Edith?" "Oh, yeah, that was very good, Linda." "Hey, Linda, why don't you let me call up your father and ask him if you can stay with us a couple extra days?" "I'd love to, but I really have to go." "What's your hurry?" "Ain't you having fun with us here?" "Oh, sure, I am, but I'm scheduled to fly out of Baltimore tomorrow." "Besides, think of poor Mike." "Because of me, he's been sleeping on that couch for two weeks now." "That's all right, Linda, really." "I don't mind." "Yeah, down here on the couch, he's getting some sleep." "Don't you sleep good upstairs?" "Forget it, huh?" "Maybe their bed ain't as comfortable as ours is." "I said, forget it." "Because you don't have that trouble." "You drop right off." "Will you stifle yourself?" "Anyway, Linda, you tell your father that whenever you're up in this neck of the woods, you're always welcome to stay here with us." "Thanks, Uncle Archie." "I just might do that." "Yeah, and by the way, you tell your father he ought to come up for a visit too." "You know, when we was kids, we was always together." "He always was hanging around me, wanted to be just like me." "Now I hardly never see him anymore." "Just remind him, Baltimore ain't that far from New York." "Then how come we don't visit there?" "New York ain't that far from Baltimore either." "That's different, Edith." "People from New York don't go to Baltimore." "Besides, he's the youngest brother." "It's only right that he come and visit me." "Well, Linda, as long as they ain't serving no cigars on your airplane here," "I think I'll just jump down to the corner store and pick myself up a few." "I'll be back in three or four shakes, there, Edith." "EDITH:" "All right, Archie." "Ooh, I better get going." "It's five to 7." "Are you going out, Linda?" "Yeah, I'm going dancing." "Come on, Ma," "I'll help you clear the table." "Thanks, Mike." "Ain't it strange?" "What?" "Well, Archie looks just like his brother, but Linda don't look like either one of them." "Of course, I never looked like my mother or my father." "I look like my brother, Harry, but Harry didn't look like me." "He looked like my sister, Gertrude." "Wait a second." "If you looked like Harry, and Harry looked like Gertrude, then the three of you kids looked alike." "Only when we was together." "Hi." "MIKE:" "Hi, honey." "The career woman is home." "How are you?" "Would you like a piece of pie, Gloria?" "Maybe later." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "I'll get it." "You're busy." "Oh, hi, Mrs. Bunker." "Oh, hi, Lionel." "Come in." "BOTH:" "Hey, Lionel." "How are you?" "My, don't you look nice?" "Are you going somewheres?" "Yep, going dancing." "Ain't that a coincidence." "Linda's going dancing too." "Hi, Linda." "Hi, Gloria." "Hi, Lionel." "Did I keep you waiting?" "No, just got here." "Let me help you." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh!" "Anything wrong, Ma?" "No, but for some reason, your father just popped into my mind." "Oh, Linda, I've got something for you." "Oh, I bet I know what it is." "Oh, I knew it!" "Look, everybody." "GLORIA:" "Oh, that's a nice picture." "MIKE:" "That's really nice, yeah." "What do you think, Aunt Edith?" "Oh, it's very nice!" "Lionel's got his arm around you, don't he?" "When was this taken?" "At the party we went to last week at Trudy's, remember?" "That's where Linda met Lionel." "Oh." "Well, excuse us, everybody." "We ought to be going." "Come on, Linda." "Aunt Edith, would you please put the picture in the bedroom for me?" "I'll put it in your suitcase so you won't forget it." "Don't hide it." "I like it." "Just put it on top of the dresser." "Bye-bye, everybody." "MIKE:" "Bye." "Have fun." "I didn't know" "Linda and Lionel was dating." "Well, they're not really dating, Ma." "They just like to go dancing together." "Oh, I see." "What's the matter, Ma?" "Oh, nothing." "It's just so strange." "I guess I'm not used to it." "You see, in my old neighborhood where I was brought up, we all had the same skin, except some was clear and some had bumps." "Ma, was your father strict with you?" "I mean, about who you went out with?" "Oh, yeah." "The boy had to be kind and thoughtful and a gentleman." "How did Archie ever pass that test?" "Well, Daddy died a year before I met Archie." "Ma, when you say" ""Kind and thoughtful and a gentleman,"" "you're describing Lionel." "I am, ain't I?" "Don't worry, Ma." "Daddy will be asleep when Linda comes home, and she's leaving tomorrow, so he'll never know." "I hope so." "Well, I" " I better get the dishes done." "Oh, now, Ma, you sit right there and relax." "Michael's gonna do the dishes." "What?" "I'm only kidding, Michael." "I'll help you." "All right, well, we'll do them together." "Yeah, you wash and I'll watch." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Fred." "Oh, fine." "[YELLING] How is everybody in Baltimore?" "No, no, Archie is out." "Wait a minute." "I think I hear him." "Wait a minute, yeah..." "Archie, it's your brother." "Huh?" "Who's that?" "Freddy?" "Yeah." "Oh, wait a minute." "Give me the phone." "Let me talk..." "Hiya, Freddy there." "Archie here." "How's the boy?" "Yeah." "Oh, no, no, wait a minute, don't tell me nothing." "I got one for you." "Listen to this one." "Why did the Irish farmer spray booze on his vegetables?" "You give up?" "He wanted to raise stewed tomatoes." "Yeah, I knew you'd love it." "Huh?" "Linda?" "Yeah, yeah, she's fine." "Wait a minute." "I'll put her on the line." "She ain't here, Archie." "Oh, where is she?" "She went out." "Ah, Freddy, she went out someplace." "What are you talking about?" "I'm looking after her." "I'm her Uncle Archie here." "Yeah, she's having a wonderful time" "Edith, come here." "Tell Freddy she's having a wonderful time." "[YELLING] She's having a wonderful time." "Did you hear that, Fred?" "Tell her what?" "Oh, you're going to meet her at the plane in Baltimore." "Yeah, sure, fine, Freddy." "Yeah, nice talking to you." "He's a good father, that guy." "A real good one." "Worrying about his kid the way a good father should." "Where is she, anyhow?" "Out." "Well, it's nice to know she had a little fun while she was staying with us here, and it's also nice to have a cute-looking relation around the house for a change, not like them lulus" "on your side of the family." "Yeah, Archie." "Do you mind if I sit down?" "No, I don't mind, Archie." "Well, would you mind getting out of my way?" "Sure." "Get out of here!" "Sheez." "It's like you were hit with a brick or something." "What are you gawking at?" "Go out and get me a can of beer." "Right away." "I can use some matches here too, Edith." "They're right there on the table, Archie." "No!" "What do you mean, "No"?" "Here they are." "Here you are, Arch" "Here you are, Archie!" "What is wrong with you?" "I thought you'd like it on this side for a change." "Well, is it going to taste better on this side?" "I take my beer always on this side here." "Jeez, I don't know what's coming over you, Edith." "Sometimes I think you're coming unwrapped." "Is that so, Archie?" "Ain't that interesting!" "[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]" "What is ailing you, anyhow?" "You ain't going through that change thing again?" "Because if it happens again, you're going to the hospital this time." "To hell with them "groinecologists."" "What is this?" "It's a picture of some people." "Tell me who the people are." "Linda and Lionel." "Now, what are Linda and Lionel doing in the picture?" "They're sitting together" "Together on a couch!" "I know that!" "Stifle yourself!" "They're sitting together on a couch!" "Mike, Gloria, come quick!" "Oh, this is the kind of fun she's having in our house, huh?" "What's wrong?" "What's all the screaming about?" "What's going on?" "This... is going on." "And this is going on!" "Jefferson, is that you?" "Listen, this is Archie Bunker here, and I got to talk to you right away." "No, no, no, I don't want to hear nothing from you." "I got a lot of things to say to you." "You get right over here!" "Listen, Jefferson, it's about Lionel, and it's important." "You better haul it over here "toute-dee-suite"!" "Yeah!" "Arch, why do you have to fight with him tonight?" "We got to get some sleep." "Nobody's going to sleep in this house till we get this thing cleared up." "Daddy!" "For the millionth time, there's nothing wrong with Linda and Lionel going out together." "Nothing wrong?" "Try and make her father believe that." "What the hell am I talking about?" "Try and make me believe it!" "Oh, come on, Daddy, they were only going dancing." "Only dancing?" "Wiggling and jiggling up together like that?" "No, Archie." "Archie, they don't dance like that no more." "Sometimes they're so far apart they don't look like they're together." "Will you stifle yourself?" "I'm telling you that whites should only dance with whites." "You don't believe me?" "Look at the movies." "Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers." "Gene Kelly and Rita Hayworth." "Shirley Temple and Bill Robinson." "That was before Shirley was old enough to know she was doing something wrong." "I guess that's when she started dancing with George Murphy." "All right, all I'm saying is if God had intended white people to dance with colored people" "He'd have given us rhythm too." "Get away from me, you!" "Daddy, the only hope for this world is for people to come together." "Well, let them come together in some other family up in the Bronx!" "Oh, come on, Archie, for Pete's sake." "They're only dancing together." "Even if they were making it, so what?" "What are you saying?" ""Making it!"" "Don't you say a word like that in this house." "What?" ""Making it!" Shh!" "Take a walk, will you?" "Fine." "It's obvious we're never gonna get through to you." "Come on, Gloria." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "That must be Mr. Jefferson." "I'll get that door." "Get away from here." "We'll go out the back, all right?" "All right." "You!" "Sit down in your chair." "Keep your yap shut." "I didn't order you on the phone." "I ordered your brother." "Well, what you see is what you get." "Well, I got something here for you to see." "I want to know what your family is going to do about him." "Well, I want to know what your family is going to do about her!" "You ain't even the head of your family." "Why didn't Lionel's father come over here?" "You don't want to know the answer to that." "Yes, I do." "All right, he said he ain't never stepped into a honky's household and he ain't about to start at the bottom of the heap." "Jefferson, I don't like that!" "He said you wouldn't like it." "What are you going to do about that nephew of yours?" "Never mind." "You tell your niece to stop chasing Lionel." "Lionel's the one doing the chasing around here, and he's got to stop it." "You're damn right it's got to stop." "We don't want Lionel mixed up with no white girl." "You got some nerve" "Hey, what's all the yelling about?" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Uncle Henry, what are you doing here?" "Lionel, you got to come home this minute." "Where did you get that picture?" "Your father found it." "I don't care who found it" "All right, pull the plug on that." "I want to see Lionel right now out in the kitchen." "Lionel, you're coming home with me." "Hold it, Jefferson." "This is my house." "I want to see him in that kitchen." "He's my nephew and he ain't gonna go." "Wait a minute." "All right, all right!" "Be cool, Uncle Henry." "I'll be right back." "Let's go, Mr. Bunker." "Yeah, let's go." "Linda, when I'm finished out there," "I got a few things to say to you here." "And you, Jefferson, ain't invited." "Lionel, sit down." "I'm very disappointed in you, Lionel." "And I thought you was one of the good ones." "But I've been wrong." "I thought I was your friend." "I mean, I have you into my house here, and I mean through the front door as well as the back." "You sit here at my table, you break bread with me, all of that, and then you go and you do a thing like this?" "Thank you very much, Lionel." "Are you talking about me taking out Linda?" "Yes!" "Oh, you don't have to thank me for that, Mr. Bunker." "I'd do it again, but she's leaving tomorrow." "Lionel, let's cut the funnies out, huh?" "This is very serious." "You know what I'm saying to you." "I'm saying that youse guys ought to stick with yourselves." "You mean guys ought to stay with guys?" "You know what I'm talking about, Lionel." "I'm saying that whites ought to stay with whites and coloreds ought to stay with coloreds." "Look, Mr. Bunker, it's been a year and a half now since we moved into this neighborhood." "I was just 19 then, and I got a big kick out of you and me for a long time, but I'm pushing 21 now, and I'm not getting that big a kick out of it anymore." "Put a lid on all of that." "No, no, wait, I'm not finished." "Now, we've been friends, and we can go on being friends, but when it comes to black and white and all the other wonderful thoughts you have in between, put a lid on that, Archie." "Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, Lionel." "What went on in there?" "What did he say to you?" "I got more to say to you there." "I ain't got nothing more to say to you except this:" "It's your fault for raising that boy so submissive." "Don't you call him "boy," Bunker!" "I don't mean "boy" boy." "Wait a minute!" "What's everybody getting so upset about?" "I mean, so Lionel and I went dancing." "It's no big deal." "No big deal?" "What would your father say if he heard about this?" "Well, Dad wouldn't mind." "What a terrible thing to say about your father and my brother!" "It's true." "It ain't true!" "I go out with anybody I want to." "Don't tell me that." "You don't go out with no colored guys when you live in your father's house." "You don't know anything about my father's house." "You haven't seen Daddy for years." "Uncle Archie, four kids have grown up in that house, and he's changed." "He ain't changed!" "Since he was 8 years old, he always wanted to be like me, and he was like me, and he's still like me!" "He's not like you!" "He doesn't care what color a person's skin is, and he's not 8 years old anymore." "Your father sounds like a great guy, Linda." "He ain't so great to me!" "Now, listen, you got a lot to learn, boy." "Boy, boy, boy, boy." "I don't mean "boy" boy." "Now, listen, Lionel, this is important." "If they want to mix up the races, let them." "But we're going to keep ours pure." "No more of that cream into the coffee, right?" "Why don't you tell that to Mr. Bunker?" "You two got a lot in common anyway." "Good night!" "Hey, Lionel, you better listen to your uncle here." "It's the first time I knew him that he made any sense." "Bunker, I got one thing to say to you." "If you don't learn to keep your mouth shut, we ain't never gonna get rid of the pollution." "I got something to say to you, and you better stick around to hear it too." "You ain't getting away before you hear the last word I got to say to you." "Get out of my house!" "Where is that chick?" "Linda, get down here." "I want to talk to you." "I can't let that kid out of my sight." "Archie, you don't have to worry about her." "She knows where she's at." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Well, where have you been?" "I was saying good night to Lionel." "Well, now you got a few things to say to me, young lady." "All I have to say to you, Uncle Archie, is... good night." "Oh, no, that ain't all." "That ain't all." "We're gonna have a little talk, you and me." "Good night, Uncle Archie." "[GRUMBLES]" "Archie" "Don't say nothing to me!" "You ain't got no control over the goings-on in this house." ""And I want to thank you" ""for taking such good care of my little girl." "Your brother, Fred."" "Ain't that nice?" "Your brother sounds like a nice guy, Arch." "He's one member of your family" "I'd like to meet." "I'd like you to meet him too." "I'd like you to move in with him." "[¶]" "ANNOUNCER:" "All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience."