"My name is Earl." "Mama!" "Come on, Son." "Come on!" "You're gonna enjoy it." " Hey, Earl." " Hey, Crabman." "Think there's something wrong with these books." "Oh, the Camden Library couldn't afford actual classics, so they bought knockoffs." "That explains The Adventures of Chuckleberry Flynn." "I'm gonna read Trazan the Ape-Man." "He's got a pet cheetah named Monkey." "All right." "Let's get started." "Trazan the Ape-Man." ""You may be shocked as I describe this strange and unusual tale..." ""but I assure you that every word is true." "And you may be shocked I'm reading to kids." "Well, like all good adventures, it starts at the beginning." "Back before my list, me and Randy got sentenced to community service... in the Humiliate to Rehabilitate Program." "Hi, Dad!" "How big's a body part gotta be before we're supposed to report it?" " Fist or larger." " Never mind then." "It was crappy work, but one guy made it kinda fun." "That guy's doin' the theme song from that show that comes on every couple years... about the different colored people with super powers... like swimming faster, throwing sticks real far." "Oh, yeah." "I saw an episode of that once." "Come on, fellas." "They're only gonna burn it later on!" "Why should those bastards at the dump have all the fun, eh?" "Yeah, those guys at the dump do have all the fun." "Gimme that lighter." "Whoo!" "This is a huge misunderstanding." "Raynard was so cool... he let us crash with him when our dad threw us out for the eighth time." "Come on in!" "Earl, there's a bathtub in the living room." "And he's got outside plants growing on the inside." "I didn't grow them on the inside." "I just opened up the window and gave the plants a choice." "Did you open the bathroom door and give the tub a choice, or are you just crazy?" "I'll tell you what is crazy is lettin' somebody tell you where you can put your tub." "Believe me, the news isn't so depressing when you're surrounded by bubbles." "Hmm." "I think your globe is upside-down." " Is not." " No, I'm pretty sure it is." "Geography was the only class I went to in high school." "The teacher was hot and had a touch of the palsy." "She was always dropping stuff... bending' over to pick it up... droppin' it again." "Mmm." "Anyway, the North Pole should be on top." "There is no up or down in space, man!" "Look at my hand." "It's a spaceship, and it's comin' at the Earth like this." "Okay?" "And, okay, this is the top." "But if you come at it like this- the top becomes the bottom." "Wow." "Makes you think." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "A globe is the Earth?" "# Oh, Susannah #" "# Don't you cry for me #" "# I come from Alabama #" "#With my banjo on my knee ##" "As fun as Raynard was... he was a little nervous around the ladies." "Hey, nice, um" "Let me handle this." "We're in a band." "We're opening for U2." " U2?" " Yeah, me too." "All of us." "That's right." "So who wants to party with guys that are gonna be sharing a shower with Bono?" "Sweet!" "Do you guys have a tour bus?" "'Cause we don't party with garage bands no more." "Uh, no." "But... we take the bus." "Raynard." "He's kiddin'." "Yeah, we got one." "A big, shiny one." "It's, like, a hundred feet long." "Okay, everybody stop talkin'." "Meet me outside in 10 minutes." "I went out and stole the first bus-like thing I could find." " Whoa!" " Whoo!" "We wanted to party where we wouldn't be disturbed... so we drove out to the old abandoned Camden Scout camp." "Next morning we got the girls to leave by telling them we had to rehearse... and that we'd call 'em later." "Neither one of those things were true." "And we didn't want to get caught driving a stolen bookmobile, so we walked too." "My girl bit me." "Is that hot or scary?" "And that's where our tour bus stayed until me and Randy went out to do number 219- stole a bookmobile." "But I don't understand why I can't have one." "I promise I'll feed it and walk it, and if it's bad, I'll hit it with a shovel." "I'm not sure you're ready for a puppy, Randy." "Let's see if she'll start." "Aah!" "What the hell?" "Raynard?" ""No one who saw him could say for certain ifhe was an ape or a man." ""Perhaps he was neither one of those things." "Perhaps he was both. "" ""Even though we were paralyzed with fear..." ""we couldn't help but gaze with wonder at this most odd creature... that looked so much like a man but acted so much like a beast. "" "Raynard?" " What are we gonna do?" " Well, Raynard always told us to think for ourselves." "I think we should set this thing on fire and run." "We can't leave him, Randy." "I got a feeling this might be all my fault." "Turns out it was all my fault." "The last time I saw Raynard was right after me and Joy got married." " Earl!" "Buddy!" " Shh!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Great to see you, Raynard." "But we gotta keep it down." "I" " I got a wife now." "Pregnant." "Hormones." "Little touchy." "Super hearing." "What's with all this chitter-chatter?" "Hey, sugar." "It's my friend Raynard." "Who cares?" "I'm back there workin' my ass off... trying to grow this baby, and you're out here havin' a party?" "I need peace and quiet!" "I mean, what if I'm growing something' really important on the baby today... like his brain or his wiener?" "Do you even care?" "I need a glass of Chablis!" "She seems nice." "So, Earl, buddy, I was wondering if I could crash with you guys for a while." "I got evicted." " Cheers!" " Stop talkin' funny!" "You can see what I'm up against here." "Joy's not gonna like it if I let you stay." "But..." "I've tried everywhere." "I've got nowhere else to go." "Earl, my water broke!" "Oh." "Never mind." "Never mind." "I just peed the bed." "Come clean it up." "After that night, Raynard wandered broke and homeless for days... until he stumbled across what was left of Camden's library outreach program." "And that reminded him of the bookmobile." "I gotta put him on the list, Randy." "When we were in trouble, he let us crash at his place... but when he needed somewhere to stay, I didn't help him." "But that's Joy's fault." "She was so mean when she was pregnant." "And when she wasn't." "We coulda tried harder." "We should've been there for him." "R" " R-Raynard, don't be scared." "It's" " It's" " It's Earl and Randy Hickey." "Do you remember us?" "We stole this bookmobile with you." "We're your friends." "You're... friend!" " Friend!" " What's the matter, buddy?" "You been living in the woods so long you forgot how to speak?" "I" "No one... speak... to... me." "Cool." "He figured out a way to talk out here using less words." "What a time-saver." "Me like you talk." "Me like you talk too!" "Smell Raynard?" "No, thanks." "Just like talk part." "So, what are you doing out here?" "Y" " You okay?" "Yeah." "Happy." "It's, uh, paradise." "Yeah, it's- it's beautiful." "But where do you find food and stuff?" "Food?" "Food." "You hungry!" "I be back!" "Weird." "I think he's gone crazy." "I don't know, Earl." "He seems happy." "Plus he's got a pretty sweet set-up." "Maybe we're the crazy ones for not living like this." "Friend, this is my hot wife, Charlene!" " Nope." "He's the crazy one." " Yeah." "Food." "Mmm!" "Hot wife." "Perfect life." "And then I realized why he was crazy." "Me and Randy had seen those berries before." "Back when I was married toJoy and the bill collectors got to be too much... sometimes we'd go campin'." "Y'all be honest." "Is the bottom half of me a horse right now?" "Joy, what's wrong with you?" "Joy, say somethin'." "You're weirdin' me out." " # Rainy day mushroom pillow #" " Hello." "Anybody home?" "# Colors green, brown and yellow #" "# Poisoned dreams Distorted dreams #" "Freak head!" " # Mushroom dreams #" " Baby, no!" "How about we skip the berries a- and go in my car and-and get a pizza?" " Huh?" " Earl, you're usin' too many words." "Pizza." "Come on." "We go." "Rubber face!" "Poor guy." "Living out here eating crazy berries... and doing God knows what with a raccoon." "We gotta bring him back to civilization." "Hey, Earl, when we catch Raynard, can I keep him for a pet?" "What?" "No!" "He's a person!" "Here, Raynard." "Here, boy." "Come with us and see what you've missed." "Remember how you used to like puttin' a lime in your beer?" "Well, now they make beer with the lime already in it." "Crazy, huh?" "And everybody's got a phone in their pocket and a dog in their purse." "And cars fly, and everybody's rich." " Don't oversell it." " Well" "Aah!" "Raynard, just try to fight through the crazy berries and listen." "It's Earl." "I'm your friend, and I wanna help you!" "All right, you know what?" "You're not the only one that can climb a tree." "I'm coming up there after you." "Randy!" ""We watched in awe as he ran away..." ""as sure-footed as a mountain goat, as fast as a jackrabbit." ""And we knew we wouldn't be able to catch him with our strength." "We would have to use our brains. "" ""The ape-man used his primitive skills to escape..." ""but we knew we were smarter." "So we decided to set a trap, and that required bait. "" "Don't mention this to my boss." "There's a strict policy at the club against letting people lure you into the woods." "#Jump, jump, jump, jump #" "# Jump, jump, jump Jump, jump #" "# Jump around #" "# Jump around Jump around #" "# Jump up Jump up and get down #" "# Jump, jumpJump, jump, jump #" "What kind of freaky crap is that?" "I guess there was more to that relationship than I thought." ""In an effort to civilize this beast-man, we brought him back to the city." ""To see such a monster paraded through town made people stare." ""Most were disgusted, but some were overcome with curiosity." "We knew for the creature's own good, we had to tame it quickly. "" "The hell is that idiot doing with a wild man tied up in the back of his car?" "That Earl and his list." "He gets himself in so many predicaments." "We were in a hurry to get Raynard back to normal." "Luckily, Catalina knew about something called a colonic... that gets all the bad stuff out of your body." "Oh, man." "Bad news, Raynard." "The hose goes in the other end." "Don't worry." "I got a G.I. Joe stuck up there on accident once." "This hose is a lot smaller, and there's no gun to get caught on anything." "While I hope to never have to give another dude a forced colonic... it was good to see Raynard back in his right mind again." "Married?" "To a raccoon?" "Those must be some powerful berries!" "It was a girl raccoon, right?" "Yeah." "The next step to gettin'Raynard back on his feet was getting him cleaned up." "Now is that one a tick or a mole?" "Aaah!" "Whoa!" "Mole." "And after we got him cleaned up, it was time to find him a job." "So I got him a deliveryjob at Camden Foreign Foods." "I figured he couldn't mess it up... 'cause all he had to do was hand people food and take their money." "You don't give them the food if they don't give you the money!" "Yeah, but she gave me something better than money." "We give her half a chicken, she gives us a whole chicken." " That's two for one where I come from, buttercup." " You are fired!" "After Señor Lo Mein didn't work out, I got Raynard a job... somewhere that standards were so low I didn't think he'd get in trouble." "You put the little soap on the pillows?" "Yeah." "It forces you to get out of the shower, walk in here naked... feel the delightful sting of the air conditioning on your privates!" "Really pulls the drawstring tight on your coin purse, huh?" "It's always candy on the pillow!" " # Don't bring me down # Finally I found Raynard a job... where it didn't matter how you did it as long as thejob got done." "The hell are you doin'?" "That's the rat hole I was talkin' about." "You gotta spray the poison in there." "I'm not gonna spray it in the hole." "I'll spray it around the hole." "If the rat comes out of the hole and he steps into the poison... he steps in the poison of his own free will." "I don't give a rat's ass about that rat's ass and his free will." " You won't do it, I'll do it myself." " That's not your choice to make!" " It's the rat's choice!" " Give it!" "How would you like it if someone sprayed you inside your house?" "Aaah!" "Aaah!" "Darnell, call the police!" "Exterminator sprayed me in the face with rat poison again!" "# I'll tell you once more before I get off the floor#" "I'd had enough of Raynard's free thinkin'." " # Don't bring me down ##" " I decided to post his bail and call it even... until I found out they hadn't taken Raynard tojail." "Well, my official diagnosis is A.P.D." "That's antisocial personality disorder... and a pretty advanced case of that." "Oh, here." "See for yourself." " Earl." "Earl!" " Randy, enough." "Santa Claus would not be working in a mental institution." "Why are you so afraid of me, man?" "'Cause I'm different?" "Because I sound funny?" "I can talk just like everybody else here if I wanted to." "Would you be more comfortable if we talked about hot dogs and apple pie?" "Or we could tailgate and drink some light beer!" "Or are youse afraid of me because I don't blindly follow your rules... because I'm not a sheep like you?" "Huh?" "Ho ho ho ho ho!" "That was a good one." "Luckily society has a place for people like your friend." " Do they make toys there?" " Randy." "Don't worry." "He'll be well taken care of." "After a couple of days on the meds, he won't even need the straps." " Can I talk to him?" " Of course." "I'll have my assistant take you in." "Karen!" "Would you like to follow me?" "Okay, Randy, that's weird." "I admit it." "It was sad seeing Raynard all drugged up... but after trying to help him fit in..." "I had to agree that hejust didn't belong in the normal world." "I like candy." "Do you have candy?" " No." "Do you?" " No!" "Do you?" " No." "Do you?" " No!" "Do you?" "No." "Do you?" "Hey there, Raynard." "How you feelin'?" "Put out your hand." "You didn't think I was gonna let these dillweeds... take me for a ride on their monkey train, did ya?" "How 'bout you untie me and let's get out of here?" "I don't think that's the best idea." "The best idea would have been for you to leave me in the woods where I was happy, man." "I've tried living in your world." "Look where it got me." "I don't know if you were really better off out there." "You were hallucinating on crazy berries." "Look, I'm not gonna eat any more of those damn berries." "Please." "The next time I see a raccoon, we're just gonna be friends." "Come on, Earl." "I'm dying here." "Raynard was right." "He didn't belong locked up and pumped full of drugs." "He belonged in the wild." "I just had to figure out how to get him back there." "Yo, buddy, will you help me do a magic trick to entertain the folks?" "Sure." "Hey, everybody!" "Check this out!" "Whoa!" "Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, man!" "This guy is full of candy... like a giant piñata." "Candy!" "Candy!" "Candy!" "Candy!" "Candy!" "You're supposed to share a piece!" "Sorry I gotta take the bookmobile back." " Are you sure you're all right with the tent?" " Yeah, man." "Take it back." "That thing's way too restrictive." "Besides, I already read or ate most of the books." "You hear that?" "Hear what?" "Exactly." "That's the sound of freedom." "That chirping' is the sound of Charlene in heat." "That's gonna be a tough conversation." "I could hit her with the bookmobile on my way out." "I don't wanna know." "Thanks for everything, Earl." "Thanks for bringin' me home." ""A t last he was returned to where he belonged." ""What we had once feared we came to admire." ""He had the courage to think freely, to live freely..." ""to truly live." "He was Trazan, king of the jungle. "" "The end." "I was glad to bring the bookmobile back." "All those books were gonna help the kids see the world in a whole new way... kinda like Raynard did for me." "Where did Trazan live?" "Well, the story takes place in Africa... which is down here." "Or another way to look at it... is that it's up here." "Makes you think, doesn't it?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "A map is also the Earth?"