"Ted:" "Okay where were we?" "and life had just taken an unexpected turn can't you just skip ahead to the part where you meet Mom?" "I feel like you've been talking for like a year all this stuff I'm telling you is important." "It's all part of the story." "Could I go to the bathroom?" "No." "The summer of 2006 was both wonderful and awful." "it started out great day one was amazing." "I'd finally gotten together with Robin. your uncle marshall had been having one of the worst nights of his." "marshall:" "So that's it?" "We're breaking up?" "I'm sorry." "I just..." "I just need to go to san francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us." "And the only way that I can do that is if... if we don't talk for a while." "For a while." "okay?" "and we're done." "You're never going to hear my voice again." "I should call her." "no." "Ted it is-- if you call her when she asked you not to you're just going to look weak and you're going to regret it." "you come find me first." "And I will punch you in the face." "ted." "did you hear the big news? I think he knows." "my god." "I-I'm so sorry." "Wh-- what happened?" "she left." "And I don't even know if she's coming back." "I didn't get your message until I woke up." "I am so sorry." "Thanks. but will actively excite you?" "Sure." "the three of us are single at the same time." "and it's going to be legendary." "we will own this city." "we'll be there." "we will be there. new york?" "We will be what is up new york." "we are about to embark on... didn't you?" "One thing I learned that summer is that when love is beginning... the first 30 days are remarkably similar." "you spend most of your time in bed." "your friends can't stand to listen to you." "He's so ticklish." "It was a really beautiful song." "So... man." "and you never seem to wear pants." "marshall." "ted." "You hungry?" "What's the point?" "I could eat some food." "It's just going to leave me." "at least in that scenario you get to do the dumping." "it's sunday.It's pancakes day." "Lily always made the pancakes." "I loved her pancakes." "So soft." "So warm." "So perfectly shaped." "Are we still talking about her pancakes?" "you got to eat something; what can I get you?" "Beer." "that's what you had for dinner." "Fine." "Then I'll just have leftovers." "he stays home all the time not getting laid?" "that's what you do when you have a fiancé." "He should be down here celebrating." "He's free." "He got that redheaded tumor removed." "You should write and illustrate children's books." "You know what marshall needs to do." "He needs to stop being sad." "I stop being sad and be awesome instead." "True story." "It's only been a month." "He just needs to go at his own pace." "lily's the one who caused this whole mess." "too." "She's just trying to figure out who she is." "Figure out who she is?" "she should call me;" "I got a whole list." "She's selfish." "She's immature." "She'S..." "What?" "your eyes are so blue." "teddy bear." "oh that's A... it was hard to feel too bad." "and things were going great." "for the most part." "I found her shampoo." "I guess she left it here." "It smells like her." "Like lavender and seashells and hope." "erotic and comforting all at the same time." "That's my shampoo." "sorry." "I thought he'd never go to sleep." "Already?" "He's calling her." "I don't hear any-- he's calling her." "No." "I won't call her." "I will not call her." "I called her." "she changed her number." "or something?" "Like she's so special." "Like she's the only lily aldrin out there. and they all seem a lot better than her based on the brief conversations I had with them." "Does he know I'm in here?" "robin." "one of the lily aldrins said... this has to stop." "we just started dating." "we have a baby." "He can't feed himself." "he keeps us up all night." "Have you tried breast-feeding?" "Nailed it!" "they were together nine years." "It's only been a month and a half." "He just needs to go at his own pace." "ted." "He watched a scary movie." "It is time for some tough love." "We need to get him out of that apartment." "He needs fresh air." "He needs sunshine." "sunshine." "sunshine." "I really don't think this is going to help." "Do you know why you're not over lily yet?" "It's 'cause you can still picture her naked." "You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs; it's a scientific fact." "The average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images or "b-pegs"." "And your hard drive's filled to capacity with lily'S." "There are a lot of them." "they won't go away until you overwrite them with images of other women's boobs." "my friend." "Two at a time." "Those count as four." "This is fun right?" "it's a beautiful day." "The indians are winning." "it is really nice to be outside." "please turn your attention to the diamond vision for a special seventh-inning-stretch surprise." "no." "it's all a big lie!" "She's just going to break your heart." "but she has no soul!" "strippers." "The guy still won't eat a damn pancake." "I think he's beyond repair." "this is the problem with guys." "You don't know how to deal with heartbreak." "dr.Estrogen?" "till your periods sync up." "that's the stuff." "my god." "How long have you been doing this?" "my dad taught me to me shoot when I was a kid." "and it reminds me that... guns are fun." "ted is kind of against guns." "And that's why ted's never going to find out about this." "didn't it?" "please don't tell ted." "You want to try?" "Only hell yeah." "this is what I needed." "but this... this is power." "This is..." "I should of mentioned the recoil." "marshall was smiling-- did you sleep with him?" "three days away from suggesting that." "all you need is to get in touch with your feminine side." "yeah!" "congratulations." "You're the first person to cheer him up all summer." "what do I win?" "I'll tell you what you win:" "I'm taking you away this weekend." "You are?" "That's so nice." "it's really romantic." "My uncle's had like three affairs there." "I've seen pictures of your uncle." "This is going to be so great." "We'll finally get some time alone." "Are you sure marshall's going to be okay with this?" "absolutely." "I'm doing much better." "take my car." "Really?" "Yeah." "thanks... please don't call me." "What?" "What's wrong?" "lily's credit card bill." "She must have forgotten to switch her address." "So?" "I wonder what kind of charges she's making out there in san francisco." "no good can come from looking at this." "You've made too much progress already." "maybe the-- no!" "You're going to thank me for this." "ted." "one charge-- tickets." "To what?" "George clinton and the p-funk all-stars." "one charge:" "Tennis emporium." "pet palace." "right?" "mario's bistro." "What a perfect place to whore around." "Only the best for my little lily pad." "I am so glad you spotted me at your concert and dragged me onstage to dance with you courtney cox-style." "And I'm so glad you agreed to play tennis with me. because I never truly loved him." "I got you a gift." "A ferret." "I'll buy it some food next door at the pet palace." "but marshall had this secret phobia of ferrets." "I bet that's something he made you promise not to tell nobody." "It was." "funk legend george clinton." "lily." "she's all mine." "Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair." "that's the craziest thing I've ever heard." "why are you afraid of ferrets?" "They're adorable." "tube-shaped rats." "a month ago." "Exactly." "you have to go to her online account." "two hours ago." "don'T." "Why do you talk?" "He needs her password.It's not like he has her password." "he has her password." "There's a charge from earlier today:" "The kellett hotel on 5th." "I don't believe this." "Lily's back in new york." "I can't believe this." "Lily's in new york?" "she'd call me." "That's really the only reason I've been able to hold it together so far this summer." "This has been "holding it together"?" "you know what?" "I'm calling her." "give me the phone." "this changes nothing." "come here." "make sure he doesn't call that hotel?" "You want me to babysit him?" "20 bucks." "An hour." "And money for pizza." "you have to watch this?" "Come here." "sugar..." "I'll do it!" "Stop being a couple." "Marshall." "marshall!" "but I have to!" "You call her we were together for nine years!" "And everything we've been working so hard for is completely flushed down the toi... please." "Thank you." "I can't hang up now." "and I know that you don't approve." "Hello." "a guy answered." "There's-there's a guy in her room." "I'm going down there." "you can't do that." "and I have to tell her I love her;" "even if I have to get down on my knees." "you can't do that." "why not?" "Ted: 56 days." "That's how long it took me to get right about here." "Because you're pathetic!" "you are not marshall. a guy like you doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like lily." "You know who might have a shot somewhere down the line?" "Marshall." "The real marshall." "and he's never going to forgive you." "so have a great weekend." "Good luck screwing up your life." "robin." "is it still okay if we borrow the car?" "Bold." "Bold to go for the car." "What?" "I didn't say a thing." "You think I was too hard on him." "I didn't say a thing." "I can't believe you're accusing me of being too hard on him." "You're the one who said "tough love." "not "hand the guy a noose." "but it's okay to hand him a nine millimeter?" "he told me." "So you're a gun nut?" "I'm a gun enthusiast." "Do you know how many people are killed each year the second amendment protects my right to bear arms... all right." "I was too hard on him." "A little." "see how they're doing." "go for barney." "where are you guys?" "helping young women raise money for community college." "nice." "Is marshall okay?" "hang on." "Marshall?" "Tell ted that" "Already?" "What?" "What uh-oh?" "He's gone." "You lost him?" "I can't believe this.He's going to go down to that hotel." "you're right." "here's the plan." "You go down to the hotel and find him." "I'll stay here and get a lap dance." "two..." "barney!" "Was there a hot tub at your uncle's place?" "A really nice one." "could you tell me what room lily aldrin's in?" "Marshall." "What happened?" "and I had this little speech in my head-- respect." "I knocked on the door." "So you knocked out lily's new boyfriend?" "Yeah." "It wasn't lily's boyfriend." "What?" "Who-- who was it?" "although he went by a number of aliases in his years as an identity thief." "earlier in the summer... this is so embarrassing." "I-I could have sworn I had some change." "I know.I'm sorry." "here we go." "that's-that's a button." "It was a button." "take credit cards?" "I do." "and she doesn't have a boyfriend?" "right?" "Yeah." "I don't know." "Those credit card charges were the only remaining connection I had to her." "I don't know where she is or what she's doing." "and now she's-she's gone." "and- lying on the bed with his feet up on the wall." "big smile on his face like he just didn't give a crap." "Happy." "Confident." "Not afraid of anything." "That guy was you." "You before you met lily." "Ted?" "Yeah?" "I was high that day." "I was." "I thought you were the dean." "and it's not this." "You can't let lily steal your identity the way that guy stole hers." "Okay." "resolved." "I'm going to start being okay." "Cheers." "'cause that's not how life works." "and we were back to square one." "one morning..." "I think you should see this." "what now?" "what are you doing?" "It's sunday." "It's pancakes day." "It took him 67 days and one really disgusting batch of pancakes... so good." "So good." "But marshall had come back from the dead. the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time."