"AFFAIRS OF THE HEART" "Excuse me, cutie." "Cutie?" "Who do you think you're talking to?" " Her." " Better be." " As long as you're here." " I ain't here." "What's the matter?" "Did we get up on the the wrong side of the web this morning?" " I hate it when they call me cutie." " I know how you feel." "Earlier, a customer had the effrontery to refer to me as "honey"." "But that makes sense." "Honey is bee barf." " Did that snort mean we were amused?" " No, definitely not." "That was a snort of disapproval." " Afternoon, everybody." " Norm!" " How's life, Norm?" " Ask a man who's got one." " Here's mine now." " About that, Norm." " He raised the prices." " I was going to say." "You would have found a way to cushion the blow." "Sure, Sam." "Why not?" "It's Get Norm Year." "Join the fun." " Come on." "It's only a quarter." " Only a quarter?" "Easy for you to say." " Maybe this will change your tune." " He's going for his gun." "It's my calculator, Coach." "I'll figure out how much I can drink and still stay within my suds allowance." " What have you got?" " I'm going to have to cut back 8.7%." "Comes out to one beer every half hour." "I'm going to have to drink a little more slowly." "Slowing down isn't so bad." "Sam, you've got one of the cutest waitresses I've ever seen." "Oh, stop." "I'm blushing." "I meant you." " So what?" " Sorry." "You sure are." "Romance is in the air, Sam." " Well, I'm a little busy, but I suppose..." " Oh, Sam!" "If you could see past your codpiece you'd notice I was referring to that gentleman there." "He's been watching Carla all week." "Haven't you seen him give her those looks?" "It's embarrassing." "If he were any more overcome with desire, there'd be drool on his chin." "Excuse me." "What were you saying?" "For whatever reason, he's attracted to Carla, but he can't get started." " I should help him." " You shouldn't." "We'll compromise." "I'll help him." "I knew we could work this out." " Excuse me." "I'm Diane Chambers." " Hello." "Henry Zenzola." " Nice to meet you." "Mind if I sit down?" " No, please." "Henry, I'll put it right on the line." "How do you feel about Carla?" "The waitress with the foul mouth and nasty disposition?" " That's her." " She's the hottest thing walking." "Do you want to get to know her?" "I can arrange it." "You think so?" "I've tried all week." "She acts like I'm contagious." "Has she actually made any retching noises?" "You're in." "I'll be right back." "What a nice person." "Is she always like that?" "Yeah." "Coach, give me a beer." "You're ahead of your one-beer-a-half-hour schedule." "No, I'm on London time." "God save the Queen." "His name is Henry." "He's interested in you." "I think you should talk to him." "I don't." "If he's interested in me, there's something wrong with him." "Carla, I assure you he's charming." "I think he's attractive." "Don't you?" "As cue balls go, he's a looker." "For some reason, guys I'm interested in, or guys interested in me, always have something seriously wrong with them." "Carla, I can see that, but stop feeling you're undesirable." "Are you kidding?" "I'm too desirable." "I'm a vermin magnet." "Come on, Carla." "This guy's not like that." "He's attractive, charming, intelligent and opposites attract, so go for him." "He's always talking there about the Sox." "He knows Yaz personally." " Yaz?" " Yaz." " OK, I'll talk to him." " Oh, goody." "Just long enough to find out what's wrong with this loser." "I like a person with an open mind." " You're Hank?" " Yeah." "How do you do." "Shut up and answer a few questions." "Where'd you come from?" "We never saw you here before." " I don't really get out that much." " He's married." "No." "I'm single." " Ever been married?" " No." "Gay as a goose." " What?" " I like women." "Some women very much." "Hooker bait." "I don't mind being put through my paces." "I'm always one to enjoy a good game." "I hope this one gets better." " This proves nothing." " He is great and it's killing you." "I admit he is tough, but I'll crack him." "We're going for a cup of coffee on you." "Sam, I'm taking a break." "You got a criminal record?" "Any mental illness in the family?" "OK, open your mouth." "Who's the world's greatest matchmaker?" " Say it." " I'm not going to say it." "Admit Carla and Hank have been an item since they went out to dinner." "I hate to see that." "You think Carla's making a mistake?" "No." "I just had my last beer of the 20th Century." "Hey, everybody." "We came from the game." "We killed the Oilers 28 to 3." "Hank has great season seats." "Spitting distance from the visitors' bench." "Listen, Hank, thanks a lot." "I had a great time." "I did, too." "Do you want to meet for a light supper?" "I'm sorry." "I forgot to tell you before." "We're through." "Beat it." " What did you find wrong with him?" " Nothing." "I do not want to talk about it." "Sam, what do you need from your office?" " Nothing." " I'll see if you have any." " What happened?" " I don't know." "We got along so great." "Hank, sit down." "Coach, pour him a beer." "I'll see if Carla needs help finding that nothing." "Hey, Hank, you know, when I'm really kind of depressed," "I usually like to buy a beer for a friend who's a little behind on his beer budget." "Well, I'm not really feeling all that depressed." "You're not?" "You fall hard for a girl, you think you've got her where you want her and she cuts you off at the kneecaps in front..." " Set them up." " Thank you." "This'll help." " I want to be alone." " I'll only be a second." "I've got something important to do." "I have to fix the... immediately." "OK." "All right." " What are you doing here, Sam?" " I wanted to see if you wanted to talk." "I don't." "Sam, this guy is perfect in every other way." "The only thing left is that he must be lousy in bed." "Who needs it?" "You know, from over here, it seems like you're just afraid to go with this." " Being vulnerable." " Vulnerable?" "It's just a word I picked up somewhere." "I'm scared he's going to be so crazed with desire, I'll never get rid of him." "That's not it." "You're afraid you're going to fall for him." "No, I'm not going to fall for him." "I've already fallen for him." "You're afraid he'll turn into a jerk?" " No, smart guy." "He's already a jerk." " Why's he a jerk?" " Because he's dishonest." " Why is he dishonest?" "Because he's hiding the fact that he's a jerk." "Who's jerking who here?" "You always say you're tough." "You act tough." "You're not tough." "Tough guys take chances." "You're chicken." " Don't ever call me that." " That's what you are." "You're chicken." "Hey!" "I want to go with you." "You have been cruising on your looks for too long." " I'm not going to fight you." " Let's go!" "Come on." "You're half my size." "That's dirty!" "Nobody calls me chicken." "I'm going to go out there and be vulnerable." "I'm going to go open myself to happiness like a banshee." "Can I have the night off?" "Thanks." "feel better now?" "Yeah, I thought so." " Want to go to my place?" " You bet." "We can't." "My kids are there." "Your place?" "I'm staying with a friend until my apartment's ready." "Diane, give me the keys to your place." " I will not." " You're the matchmaker." "You want this thing to work out or end up with a broken heart?" "And a broken lip?" "Enjoy." "And, Carla, when you're done, just burn the place." "Come on." "You made me the happiest man on earth." "Just wait." " Are you all right?" " Don't worry." "She didn't hurt the good stuff." "Romance in this bar is kind of an inspiration." "You, Diane, Carla, Hank there." "Seeing you makes me think somewhere out there there's somebody for me." "There are those that would disagree." "I'm sorry, Cliff." "Just a picture came to mind of you in the sack." "I see your mailbag draped over a chair, next to your gabardines." "That's as far as I wanted to look." "Wait a minute." "I agree with Cliff." "Cheers is a romantic bar." "Take a poor guy like Hank with his terrible problem." "He can get a girl." " Coach, what terrible problem?" " I can't talk about it." "Hank said not to." "Coach, this could be important." "Can you give us a hint or something?" "A hint?" "OK, I got one." "Lefty Cramer." "The old third baseman?" "Right." "Lefty has the same problem that Hank has." "Hank can't hit a breaking pitch?" " Oh, yeah, poor Carla." " She'll be crushed." "Come on." "Keep thinking." "Think." "What problem did Lefty have?" "Well, he was ugly as a mud fence." "I remember that." "He was a bad dresser." "He used to spit tobacco juice all over." "Could we forget Lefty?" "What's wrong with Hank?" "Wait a minute." "I got it." "Coach, Lefty had a heart problem." "Hank has the same thing." "The least bit of excitement, it's curtains." " Coach, how about sex?" " Diane, I thought you were Sam's girl." "I'm talking about Hank." "Hank is seeing Carla." "Are you listening to this?" "Coach, she's trying to say, is Hank in any danger with Carla tonight?" "Not at all." "Not unless he gets overexcited about something." "Sam, we've got to stop them." "Hank wouldn't have gone with Carla if he thought it was risky." " We've got to stop them." " We've got to warn Carla." "What a shock if the guy drops dead in Carla's own bed." " Oh, God." "She's in my apartment." " You're kidding." "That's the last time I let somebody have a great time in my bedroom." "Call." " Just call." " What am I supposed to say?" "Tell her to look on the next pillow and count the dead people." "Norman." "Just ask her if everything's all right." "All right." "The line's busy." "Then maybe she's calling an ambulance." "Stop it." "We don't have to jump to conclusions." "A lot of people take the phone off the hook so it won't interrupt their intimacies." " How come we never did that?" " I might miss an important call." " Go and see what's happening." " You're right." "Stay on the line." " It's my fault." "I pushed them into this." " I'm going, too." " I'll go with you." "I know CPR." " I'll go." "I'm a CPA." "Stay here." "I can handle this." "If we need you, I'll call you." "Please, God, let Hank be all right." " Stop!" " Oh, no..." " I wonder if we're too late." " Well, there's only one way to find out." "No, Sam." "We can't just burst in on them." "That's a gaucherie." "Besides, we might actually see them." "What were we planning to do?" "Let's make loud noises to draw their attention." " Fire!" " No, Sam." "You'll startle him." "My God." "I hope I didn't blow it." "Sam, that's so disgusting." " Can you hear anything?" " Not a thing." "I thought Carla would be the type to make noises." " Hello there." " They're just starting." "What the hell's going on here?" "We thought you were in there." "Were you looking for pointers?" " We saw wine glasses..." " We had a drink and went out to eat." " So you didn't actually..." " Let's pretend it's any of your business." " No, we didn't." " Why are you here?" "What's wrong?" "Hank, I'm sorry for intruding, but Coach said you had a heart condition." " Did he?" " Did he make a mistake?" " He's right." "I have a serious problem." " You do?" "He also said that any exertion would be very dangerous for you." "We thought we'd catch you before you and Carla..." "Exerted." "Wait a minute." "Are you trying to tell me you could have died?" "Yeah." "It could have happened." "Sex is OK for most people with heart problems." "For me, it's chancy." " If we didn't get wild..." " Are you kidding?" "I've almost killed off guys with good pumps." "Would you butt out?" "I am not going to forget this." "Of all the rotten things guys have done to me." " I was right." " I didn't want to spoil it." "spoil it?" "I would have felt great, waking up tomorrow next to a stiff." "You wouldn't have had to feed him breakfast." "Hank, why would you take such a risk?" "How could I not?" "Carla, I've been so careful for so long." "Then I met you and I just didn't care." "The more I got to know you, the more I wanted to take the risk." "You're nuts." "I got so carried away, I didn't think what it might do to you." "I don't know what to think about all this." "I guess I'd better leave." "Couldn't you just be good friends, real good friends?" "No." "I don't want to be just friends with Carla." "It would drive me crazy to not touch you." "Hear that, beanpole?" "Carla, I'm sorry I disappointed you." "Wait a minute." "I just thought of something." "In a way, I think maybe you and I were perfect together." "See, we never had an argument, right?" "Not a harsh word." "No one looking in another direction." "Yes." "It's like an incredibly delicate flower." "It doesn't matter how long it lasts." "Hey, whitey, this is my moment here." "I'm sorry." "In a way, Hank, I'll always remember you as the best lover I ever had." "Goodbye." "Well, now I've seen past your little masquerade and there's a bond between us that can never be broken." "I'm going to capture my feelings while they're fresh and put them in my diary." "Wait, Diane." "It's right here." "We were laughing about it at dinner." "English"