"Previously on Boston Legal." "You know why she dumped me?" "Because I'm a lousy kisser." "Maybe you could use some... pointers." " We had sex." " Yes." " Mkeba was only attacking Armus in revenge." " My first trial." "I blew it!" "I've never been involved in a case that was going as badly as this one." " So what do I do?" " You could run." "Do you have any evidence that Mr. Shore is hiding Mr. Mkeba?" " Not yet." " Sorry I'm late, good people." "Edwin, everything all right?" "Hunky-dory." "Hunky-dory." " Did he escape?" " He did not." "He was released." "Are we to assume that he's recovered?" "We are." "Gentle, soothing tones." "No sudden movements." "We don't want to startle him." "Bonjour, mes amis!" "Edwin Poole is back!" " Edwin, welcome back." " Shirley." " Edwin." " Paul." " Edwin." " Brad." " Glad to see you're" " Well?" " Well, yes." " Shirley, this is for you." " What is it?" " It's a signed, certified letter from New Beginnings... stating that I am 100% mentally healthy." " How lovely." "You had it framed." " Mm-hmm." "That would make you the only certifiably sane person here." "Oh, my God!" " Edwin Poole." " Denny Crane." " Name on the door." " Mine too!" " Crane" " Poole and" " Schmidt!" " Man, you look great." " Still mental?" " Over it." " You?" " Never." "Mad cow." " Denny Crane." " Edwin Poole." " Crane" " Poole and" " Schmidt." " Take a picture." "So, Edwin, is the plan to come back full-time?" "Big-time." "I'm coming back big-time." " Ah." " Shirley." "I must admit during my many long nights at the laughing academy... as I lay in bed, in want" "Oh, yeah." "It helped to think of... all those times you and I were... carnal." " We were never carnal." " But it helped to think of it just the same." " Edwin" " Yeah?" "It's important to take things slow at first." "No worries." "It's not lost on me how the world is moving too fast these days." "Everyone on their P. D. A.'s, their cell phones." "Competition, overworked, underpaid, running, running, running." "I was just the first one to react to the artificial way we're living." "The canary in the coal mine." "The sensitive one." "Um, this is Phil Mickle." " He's here to hook up your computer." " Good God." "Will you look at the size of that?" "Phil, you remember Edwin, the sensitive one." "Look, I paid my taxes." "Whatever this is about, I did not do it." " We're looking for Alan Shore, please." " Huh." "Alan!" "Men with guns again." "It wasn't me." " What's going on?" " Alan Shore?" " It depends." " You're under arrest." " Arrest for what?" " Aiding and abetting a fugitive... obstruction of justice and conspiracy to aid a defendant to avoid prosecution." "You just described anyone who's ever given money to Tom DeLay." "Please put your hands behind your back." "Do I have to?" "It makes me feel so pretentious." "Alan, please, don't joke." "They don't look funny." " You have the right to remain silent" " Must you?" "I'll waive reading." "I'll get you a lawyer." "Evidently he advised a client to flee the country." " Told him to go where?" " Nimmo Bay." " The arraignment's at 10:00." " Which I'll handle." " Which you won't." " He asked for me, Shirley." "We better call the managing partners and present this to them... before they hear it on the news." " That doesn't make sense." " I don't date men at the office." " That's stupid." " Well, just the same." "Look, in order for relations to be as compatible as they were, two peop" "Let me just stop you right there." "Any man that I would be with, he would use the word "sex. "" "He would never say "relations. " And certainly not to describe what we did." "Come on, Brad." "We were like a couple of wild apes." "Exactly." "And if you're so quick to measure a man by a kiss... why not attach a little bit of weight to his ability to intercourse?" " I don't want to sue." " Stop making it about you." "I need to sue." "I need to make money for this firm." " For that, I need a victim." " But I'm not a victim!" " Of course you are, Paul." "You're gigantic." " "Phil. "" "Something has gone amiss here." "People simply do not grow this large." "For God's sake, you need to blame somebody." "This is America." "42444, the Commonwealth versus Alan Shore." " Aiding and abetting." " Waive reading, Judge." "The charges depress me." "Douglas Kupfer representing the Commonwealth, Your Honor." "Well, well, well." "Now it all makes sense." "Denny Crane for the defense." "Glad to be back, Judge." "What's going on here?" "Last week, he was in here defending you." "Yes, Judge." "He gets me off, I get him off." " We're flamingos." " Don't ask, don't tell." " Silence." " Your Honor, they've already started... making a farce out of this matter." " You made the farce by bringing the charges." " Silence!" "Mr. Shore, you are the defendant." "I don't wanna hear another poop out of you." " How do you plead?" " Not guilty by reason of the district attorney's insanity." "All right then." "We'll schedule" " That's not a real plea." " Not guilty then." " Do you wish a trial?" " If it's not too much trouble, speedy." " The Commonwealth stands ready, Your Honor." " Bail?" "I ask to be released on my own recognizance." "I assure you I will not flee." " No objection." " Fine." "R. O. R. is granted." "We'll resume at 10:00 tomorrow." "Adjourned." " This is a happy day." " Yes." "People like you always bring themselves down, Mr. Shore." "And just in case we don't, we've got you." " You're a diabetic?" " Yeah." "So you are a victim." "We can sue!" "Brother!" "Congratulations." "You have a real disease." "We'll file in the morning." "This is wonderful, Phil." "I'm gonna make you a very rich man." "Edwin, you can't sue a disease." "But he has it, Shirley." "The man's a diabetic." "I mean" "You cannot file a lawsuit against diabetes." " That's a disease." " There are foundations, okay?" "The American Diabetes Association." "That's a deep pocket." "We go after them." "The American Diabetes Association is trying to cure it." " They don't cause it." " So they'll settle out of court." "Trust me." "They all pay to avoid a trial." "Edwin, you seemed less crazy with your pants down." "Thank you." "I don't think you're ready to resume the practice of law." "What do you mean?" "I have no defense, Denny." " I broke the law." " So?" "So, usually in these situations, I go with jury nullification- persuade the jury to focus on the moral, not the legal." "But here it makes no difference." "What I did was unethical, immoral, illegal" " You're being so negative." " I need you to close." " What do you mean?" " I'll try the case." "But at the end, I need somebody else... to stand before the jury and say, "Let the man go. "" "And you want me to do that?" "There was a day when all you had to do was say your name." "That's still all I do." "Denny, I find in life, and I know you must... that craft doesn't matter so much if one is a big enough star." "You've spent your entire life getting away with who and what you are because you're a star." "Big star." "I blow solar flares out of my ass." "I need your star power here." "I need you to stand up before that jury when we're done... and tell them, "Let Alan Shore go!"" " Really?" " I have a gut feeling it's my best shot." "Let him go!" "Denny Crane." "I'll do it." "They have offered me two years if I testify against you." " Two years for attempted murder?" " Yes." " And you took it?" " I have a family." "Alan, I am so sorry." "That's all right, son." "Here, look at me." " I know where your family lives." " Denny." "Mr. Mkeba, you'd be insane not to take that deal." "All I can say to you is that if you plan to tell the truth... which I think you should, please tell it exactly." " Try not to misquote me." " Because we know where your f" "Denny." "Well, I guess we'll see you in court." "I'm sorry." " You should've let me break him." " You were breaking me." "Alan." " Jerry." " I'm so sorry." " Don't tell me you've turned quisling." " It's all my fault." "If I hadn't screwed up the case, you never would've advised him to flee." "I feel so terribly responsible!" "Jerry, I made the decision to do what I did here." " As such, I take full responsibility." " Good God." "Nobody does that." "I have done it!" "I have cracked the case." "I'll assume, for the sake of argument, one cannot sue diabetes." " Thank you." " Better to sue the cause of the disease." " The proximate cause." " Now there's lawyer talk." " Thank you." "So I sat down with Pete last night." " "Phil. "" "Right." "And I went over his diet going way back to when he was a child." "Together we dissected his eating habits, which" "So I think we found it." "We found the cause of his diabetes." "High fructose corn syrup." "We're filing today." " You're suing corn syrup?" " Yes." "The makers of it." " Do the makers of corn syrup market directly to the public?" " Well, no." "But I don't see how- All right." " You're a partner." " You're a hypocrite." "You lecture me in not being able to express my feelings." "Meanwhile you keep yours bottled up like one of Denny's kidney stones." " You're touching me." "That's battery." " We had sex." "Happy?" "I said the word." "I am 34 years old." "When I meet a man..." "I think long term, is he potentially the father of my children?" "You're not." "Every now and again, I'll think..." ""What the hell?" "Have some fun in the short term. "" "But not with somebody from the office." "Too messy, too complicated." "We should know better." "He never told me he advised Mr. Mkeba to flee the jurisdiction." " He did not." "He did not!" " Okay." "Okay." "Well, after Mr. Mkeba did flee... did the defendant indicate to you in any other way... that he might have proffered this advice?" " No." "No, no, no." " Well, then can you tell us..." "Mr. Espenson, why, after Mr. Shore was arrested... did you come racing to me to say it was all your fault... that Mr. Shore told the client to run?" "What I said was if Mr. Shore gave such advice- and I have no knowledge that he did- it was my fault... since I had so totally screwed up Mr. Mkeba's trial... leaving him no option but to run." "Mr. Espenson, do you typically take responsibility... for what others do, even when you think they haven't done it?" "Nothing further." "Denny, not now." "The closing." "No questions." "The truth is we could sue the soft drink manufacturers... and the wheat and corn growers and the makers of all those sugary cereals." "We could even perhaps sue the federal government for not regulating these foods." " Did you know about this?" " Of course not." "We need to contact his doctor." "Find out what the hell is going on." "...with LittleJimmy's Yum Dingers." " Because this is what Bob- - "Phil. "" "Phil Mickle grew up eating more than anything else." " My client has been consuming three packages" " He's suing a snack cake?" "of these delicious treats every day since he was five years old." "And we are going to prove that they... are as deadly as cigarettes." "Did you see that turnout?" "It'll be on every network news tonight!" "Edwin Poole is back!" "You know what?" "It's a niche, Shirley." "I can feel it." "I'm gonna be the lawyer who brings down big sugar." " Edwin, have a seat." " Yeah?" "Okay." " Ah!" " Edwin." " Mm-hmm?" " You just sued the Lillian Corporation." " And it feels good." " You called their snack cakes poison." " Deadlier than cigarettes." " I stand behind it." "They could sue you, Edwin, and us." "Oh, stop it." "Don't be silly." "I have qualified immunity." "Only for what you say in court." "That immunity does not extend to press conferences." "You just accused the world's largest... vertically integrated conglomerate of selling poison... and you did it in your capacity as a lawyer of this law firm." "They've brought a motion to dismiss... and they've counterclaimed for defamation." " Now we're the target." " They didn't waste any time." " They're also deposing Phil this morning." " What about notice?" "I waived it in the hopes of getting them in the room today." "If we agree to dismiss Phil's claim... maybe I can get them to drop the suit against us and this whole thing will go away." "Now, how do we get Edwin to go away?" "Let's just deal with this case first." "Then we'll turn to Edwin." "Mr. Shore informed me... that we would lose the trial and that I would be convicted." " Of attempted murder?" " Yes." "What else did Mr. Shore say, Mr. Mkeba?" "He told me that perhaps my only option to avoiding prison was to run." "But as a member of the bar, he could not advise me to do so." "Now, you interpreted Mr. Shore's statement... to mean that you should flee the jurisdiction" " Objection." "Leading." " Sustained." "How did you interpret Mr. Shore's statement?" "You are under oath." "I guess I felt that if he were in my shoes, he would run." "But as a lawyer, he was not allowed to advise me to do so." "Yes." "And as a result of this communication... with Mr. Shore, what did you do?" " I fled to Canada." " You were captured and brought back." " Yes." " Thank you, sir." "Denny, not until the close." "So, Mr. Mkeba, as I understand it..." "I specifically told you I could not advise you to run." " That's correct." " Nothing further." " Mr. Kupfer?" " Prosecution rests, Your Honor." "The witness is excused." "Your Honor, at this time, the defense moves... for a directed verdict of not guilty." " The prosecution has failed to make a case." " Denied." "Fine." "Then we'd liked to call our first witness." "Ladies and gentlemen, A. D. A. Douglas Kupfer." " You can't call him." " It's not unprecedented, Your Honor." "Especially when defense goes to bias." " The only reason I'm on trial" " Objection." "Sustained." "Mr. Shore, the court instructed you not to poop." "Sidebar, Judge." "Oh." "The only reason I'm on trial is him." "I should be allowed to cross-examine him on motive." "My courtroom will not be turned into a sideshow." " I told you" " Your Honor, I have no problem testifying." "In fact, since Mr. Shore rang the bias bell in front of the jury..." "I'd appreciate the chance to refute the attack." "It is highly unorthodox" "Yes, but as Mr. Shore pointed out, not unprecedented." "Your Honor, let's just do this." "Let the, uh, defendant take his shot." "I think if we agree to withdraw the case now... before generating massive attorney fees" "It's a little late to be singing" "Your colleague declared us to be poison manufacturers to the whole world." " Which he regrets." " I do." "It was all my idea." "Yes, well, if only contrition could make us whole." "We have assembled to conduct Mr. Mickle's deposition." " You waived notice." "I see" " If this goes forward... it'll only bring more publicity to an idea" "Mr. Mickle is not the first overweight person... to pin the responsibility for his obesity on us." "We look at it as a test case." "Shall we proceed with the deposition... or shall we take a break for a snack?" "Let's dismiss and then pay court costs." " I don't want to settle." " If they go after you for defamation" "They already are." "The fight is on." "So how would you describe me to your friends?" "I'm curious." "I really don't see what difference that would make." " I'd like to know." " Brad" " I'd like to know, please." " Okay, well, um..." "I guess I would describe you as, uh, Buzz Lightyear." " You think I'm Buzz Lightyear?" " You're very military." "Brad, my idea of how to wind down after a tough day... is to pour a glass of wine... light a candle and get into a hot bubble bath with my partner." "Can you ever see yourself doing that?" "Well, it's just alcohol and extreme temperatures." "We're complete opposites." "You know that." "Come on." "You haven't the slightest idea of who I am." "I'm not saying I got fat only because of LittleJimmy's." "I ate the bad cereals, soda pops, brownies, cookies." "I've had a sweet tooth since I was two." " Yes, but LittleJimmy's is the only one you're suing." " I was addicted to them." "Whenever I had a sugar low or I was feeling depressed, I'd eat a box of'em." "And that's what caused your diabetes?" " She's a skinny." " Phil" "No." "I know the way skinnies think of fat people." "And diabetics, like lung cancer victims and smokers" " We did it to ourselves, right?" " I didn't eat three boxes a day." "Did you read the labels on those boxes, Mr. Mickle?" "Did you see the calorie count?" "Were you able to perform basic math?" " I was addicted, Thin Mint." " Let the record reflect that he called me food." " A cookie, no less." " Miss Marino, you've been rude." "I might also point out that we are not the first people to connect junk food with diabetes." "Did a medical professional ever connect your diabetes... specifically to LittleJimmy's snack cakes?" "Well, my doctor said my intake of sugar was too high and that" "But did he connect specifically your dia" "Yes!" "He knew I was eating box after box of LittleJimmy's... and he told me to stop, but I was addicted." "Did he use the word "addicted," or is that yours?" " It's mine." " Did he ever say, "Eat less"?" "Objection!" "Rudeness!" "What?" "You can answer." "And when you claim our product poisoned you... do you have any evidence of that?" "Do you talk dismissive like that to everybody or just me?" "I wasn't in a dismissive mood when you tried to wiggle out of this lawsuit, was I?" "You know what, Vivian?" "You're starting to piss me off." "Your client sued us." "Did you think I was gonna come in here all sugar and spice?" "Oh, perhaps you would've liked that." "Consider my willingness to drop this case revoked, you skinny little bitch." "You were wonderful, Shirley." "No, I'm serious." "You were brilliant!" "My God, it was- What's the word?" "You" "Escalated a situation I was hoping to quash?" " That's it." " Edwin?" " Yo?" " Do you have any medical... or scientific research to back the claims laid out in your complaint?" "Not a shred, but we're just getting started." "We'll do that research." "You and I burning the midnight oil like the old days, huh?" "You may not get an opportunity to do research if the claim is dismissed tomorrow... which, at the moment, seems extremely likely." " Tosh." " Edwin, have you prepared anything for the hearing?" "Not a thing." "Okay, then, I'll have to prepare something myself." " Yes." " Uh, and, Edwin?" " Hmm?" " I'll need you to leave me alone so that I can concentrate." " Yes." " And, Edwin?" " Hmm?" " What I really need... is for you not to sue anyone else." "Yes." "You can do it, Shirley." "I know you can." "Thank you." "You're thinking." "There was a day I used to do that." "I'm thinking this may be a mistake putting Kupfer on the stand." "It gives him the opportunity to put prior bad acts in evidence... which is obviously why he so readily agreed." "If he does that, he gives you grounds for a mistrial." "Not if I've opened the door." "I've gotta be very careful, Denny." "I could end up sinking myself here, which I have a feeling he knows all too well." "Maybe we should just rest." "This case is thin." "But possibly enough." "And if I lose, never mind jail." "These are felony charges." "My law career would be over." "And that never used to bother me." "It bothers you because as you get older, your priorities change." "You begin to realize what really matters- money." "I've never seen you look so nervous." "Well, except for the night terrors and the clowns... and the girl and the word salad." "I've never kidded myself." "I've always known how it would end for me." "I'm just not ready for it yet." "But what you keep forgetting... is at the end of the day, you always have me." "I'm into rock climbing, competitive biking." "I want a woman who can keep up with me both physically... as well as intellectually and who is also incredibly hot." "That's who I am." "I've given it some thought, and you're right." "There's no romantic future between us." "I value our friendship." "I don't want to screw that up." "So, if you're okay... with going back to the way things were, so am I." " Just friends?" " Just friends." "Conspiracy to aid a defendant to avoid prosecution." " Isn't that a defense lawyer's job?" " Within the bounds of the law." "Okay, but certainly, if I were to advise a client..." ""Do not tell the police the truth," that would be okay." "But if you advised him to lie, it would not." "And you took it a step further." "You advised your client tojump bail, to flee thejurisdiction." " No." "I told him it was his only option." " Same thing." "No, but come on." "If the client comes to me and says..." ""Gee, as I look at things, seems my only real shot at avoiding prison is to run"... and it happens to be true, I have a legal obligation... to lie to my client, to disagree?" " No, but" " And yet if I agree, I've committed a crime." "If that agreement can be construed as advising him to flee, yes, it's a crime." "And your client didn't come to you and lay it all out." "You laid it out to him, which crosses the line." "I expressly told him I was not allowed to advise him to flee." "While conveying to him all the while that that is exactly what he should do." "But I'm a kidder." "You know that." "I offered you $10,000 to drop this, did I not?" "Yes, as either a transparent attempt to entrap me... or a demented plan to have me recused." "The point is you didn't take me seriously." "But you claim I was serious with Mr. Mkeba." "You seem to know this beyond all reasonable doubt, in fact." " You weren't even there." " Do you think you're fooling anybody?" " Do you, Mr. Kupfer?" "This is a personal grudge." " No, it isn't." " However much" " It's becoming jibber-jabber." "Did you not say in Judge Thompson's courtroom... two weeks ago that you would like to see me suffer?" " No." " You said your only fear... was that someone would stab me before you would get the chance to take me down." "Is it your testimony to this jury... that you do not hold a grudge against me?" "It's my testimony that that grudge is not in play." " It's not in play?" " No, it is not." "Admittedly, I do not like you, it makes me happy to be prosecuting you" " You despise me." " All right." " Tell us why." " You would love for me to tell you why." "That would be grounds for a mistrial." "No." "My grudge makes this prosecution a little more thrilling... but you're on trial because you broke the law." " Objection." "Calls for a legal ruling." " Sustained." "You advised a client accused of attempted murder to flee." "That's a crime." " Objection." " Sustained." "Perhaps you'd like to take the stand now, put your character in issue." "My client trusted me to tell him the truth, which trust I honored." "That's my character, Mr. Kupfer." "We'll have the calendar meeting for later on this afternoon." "No." "I know it's bogus." "I can be there in about a half hour." "I love it when he goes to court." "No doctor or medical professional... has ever linked his diabetes to LittleJimmy's snack cakes." "And even if they could, so what?" "All the information Mr. Mickle needed... to make his informed dietary decision was right there on the label." "My God, when are people going to start taking responsibility?" "This man snorted down three boxes a day... not to mention the soft drinks and the potato chips." "The only exercise he got was reaching for the cookie jar." "And he wants to blame us?" "Then what?" "We outlaw desserts altogether, we criminalize the cupcake... because people cannot be expected to eat in moderation." "It's ridiculous." "Mr. Mickle... wants to be able to snack and sue." "He wants to have his cake and eat it too." "And enough is enough." "That's one word this plaintiff can't seem to appreciate" ""enough. "" "Yellow dye tartrazine, which is a coal tar derivative." "Blue dye triphenylmethane, which is a petroleum-based product." "Red dye carminic acid, which is derived from the carcasses of the cochineal beetle" "I'm sorry." "Did you say "the cochineal beetle"?" "Carcasses." "That's right." "Partially hydrogenated... vegetable or animal shortening, which is beef fat, pork gelatin... which is made from boiled bones, tendons and skin of pigs." "So far, we're up to motor oil, bugs... road tar and pig bones." "So far, she hasn't named a thing that isn't in the majority of cookies and snack cakes." "And isn't that scary?" "No, what's scary is that we're being singled out." "Yes." "It has us all terrified." "May I continue?" "Bleached white flour" "The common ingredient used to bleach flour is chloride oxide... the use of which has been linked to the destruction of the pancreas... and a form of type 2 diabetes." "And finally, the biggie, high fructose corn syrup." "This product does not metabolize as a normal sugar in the body." "And it prevents a certain hormone- leptin- from reaching the brain." "This hormone normally sends a signal to the brain... that your stomach is full and tells you to stop eating." "But whenever you eat anything with high fructose corn syrup... your brain thinks it's not full, and so you keep eating... and eating and eating." "This product, like many dessert cakes, is addictive and causes diabetes." "That is what this lawsuit will show." "As for defense counsel's remark that the whole thing is ridiculous" "Is it?" "The rate of diabetes... has increased 80% in the last decade." "Nearly 21 million Americans have diabetes." "One in three children will get it in their lifetime." "I just want to say that again." "One in three children." "These companies are corporate drug dealers." "Their products are killing our children." " Objection." "This is beyond inflammatory." " Is it?" "One in three children?" "You market to children." "At least tobacco companies say on the packages... that cigarettes can kill you." "And you have the temerity to accuse my client of not taking responsibility?" "He effectively counseled his client to skip trial and run." "Now, he prefaced this by saying... he was not legally permitted to give such advice." "But come on." "He gave it all the same." "And the client did, in fact, flee." "Now, do I have a grudge against the defendant?" "Yes, I do." "But as I said in that witness chair... we are not here today because of my hard feelings." "We are here because Alan Shore broke the law." "A law he is not above." "A law that the 12 of you took an oath to uphold." "Denny." "It's the closing." "This would be the time to talk." "Pregnant pause, man." "Who the hell are we kidding?" "Defense attorneys make their living... helping their clients get away with murder." "We put rapists back on the street knowing they're gonna rape again." "Let's not pretend we don't aid and abet crime." "The key is make sure we cover our asses." "Attorneys do that better than anybody." "Now, Alan Shore covered his." "He knew he couldn't legally advise Mr. Mkeba to run." "He expressly said he couldn't give him such advice." "Did Mr. Mkeba get the message anyway?" "Sure." "But technically, Alan Shore didn't break the law." "Ass covered." "Over and out." "Not guilty." "Simple as that." "Oh, and here's another thing about asses." "Not you." "We'll get to you in a second." "If you have too much success against the D. A.'s office" "Alan Shore has had a lot, especially against this putz" " Beats him every time." " Objection." " Sustained." "Mr. Crane." "I'm sorry, Your Honor." "Too much success." "Eventually, you get a giant bull's-eye painted on your bottom." " Objection!" " Sustained." "Mr. Crane!" "I'm just trying to make a point, Your Honor." "Alan Shore was a target." "He's got a bigger bull's-eye on his ass than I have on mine." "And this man, Douglas Kupfer, is aiming for it." "He said he wanted to stab him." "That's subtle." "This is a vendetta." "He wants my client any way he can get him." "And that's the only reason we're here." "Over and out." "Reasonable doubt." "You all know that." "Last name Crane, first name Denny." "Not guilty." "Over and out." "I've read the complaint." "I can see no detailed evidence... which would allow me to hold the defendant liable." "Nor can I conclude these charges cannot be established during discovery." "The emerging research today is increasingly indicating... that the major cause of disease... and death in the United States is our national food supply." "The defendant's motion to dismiss is therefore denied." "We'll confer and set a trial date." "Adjourned." "You did it, Shirley!" " So the fight's on?" " The fight is on." "If you dismiss the claim of your own accord... we will agree to withdraw our defamation suit." "How sweet." "We'll dismiss for a number with a lot of zeros in it, Miss Marino." " Otherwise, we have a trial." " I covet trials." "As do I." "I'm thinking class action." "We should start rounding up fatties." " What are your thoughts?" " Edwin, my thought is... let's get you back in the hospital." " That's a put-down." " You're not stable yet, Edwin." "Unless you want your name to come off the door permanently, it's back in the hospital." "I am not kidding." " Hey." " Hey." "What's up?" "Nothing." "Just wandering." " You want this?" " Sure." "You don't want it?" "I've already had two." "Thanks." "I really liked what you said earlier." "And you could say it, because, um, we can be honest with each other." "You know, the way- the way friends should be." " Cool." " It's funny... 'cause I've been talking to some of my girlfriends." "And, um, it turns out... there's a lot of different kinds of friends." "Like, my friend Alyssa has a friend... that, um, she goes to museums with." "That's it." "Just museums." " Do you want to go to a museum with me?" " No." "God, no." "I have another friend, uh, Melanie" "Mmm" "She, uh" " She has a friend- this guy- and they have an understanding." "It's, um" " It's called friends with benefits." " You've heard of it?" " Uh, friends with benefits, yes." "But maybe it's not what you're talking about." "Actually, you should just tell me." "Well, we would, um, as friends do... help each other out when... in need." " Need of" " Intercourse." " Which would be the" " Benefit." "I have never had that kind of friend before." "But I have to admit I can imagine circumstances where that would be beneficial." " Great." " Great." "Great." "So when do these benefits kick in?" "Tonight too soon?" "Miss Foreperson, has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?" " We have, Your Honor." " What say you?" "On the matter of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Alan Shore... we, thejury, find the defendant, Alan Shore... not guilty of all charges." "This concludes thejury's service as well as this trial." "You are dismissed with the thanks of this court." " Mr. Shore, you are free to go." " Thank you." "Ooh, what a nail-biter." "Mr. Shore, one day I hope to speak at your funeral." "Thank you, Denny." "You pulled it out of, well, your ass, I guess." " Scotch?" " Indeed." "I was lucky." "IfJavert hadn't decided to prosecute me himself" "Nah, the case was too thin." "The simple truth is you did cover yourself." "They never would've got you." "Not beyond reasonable doubt." " I was lucky I had you." " Still undefeated." " Never lost, never will." " It was a deft touch with the underwear." "All's well that ends well." "Two years of jail time didn't exactly end well for Mr. Mkeba." "Well, he nearly beat a man to death." "He deserves to go to jail." "People need to take responsibility." " Hell, that's what you did, right?" " No." "In the end, I didn't have to take responsibility for my actions." "I'm drinking scotch on the balcony." "I bared myself in open court for you." "If you haven't got the decency... to celebrate your own victory, celebrate mine, for God's sakes." " To triumph." " And to me." "King of the world." "Are we setting a bad example?" " I shoot people." " I bribe them." " We drink." " Smoke." " I'm unfaithful." " Not to me." " Never to you." " We're not setting examples, Denny." "We're just being true to who we are." " Who are we?" " Denny Crane." " Alan Shore." " Leaders of men." "With bull's-eyes on our asses." "You stinker!"