"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "Our next program was written and performed by 6 young Englishmen." "The title is:" "'Monty Python's Flying Circus'" "The show first appeared on English television 2 years ago." "Since then, these young men made 25 shows for the BBC in London." "However, tonight's show has been specially written filmed and produced for German and Austrian television." "It is the first time an English comedy team has produced a show entirely for German television." "The show will last for 45 minutes and was filmed in colour at Bavaria Film Studios in Munich." "The young men who wrote the show all live in London." "Four of them are married and two of them have children." "Their average age is 27." "Two of them are over 1.80 meters..." "And now for something completely different." "Live from Athens" "Albrecht Dürer." "Born 1471, died 1530." "The Nuremberg painter who captivated Europe with his sharp eye, ...his master of line and texture, ...as well as his car hire service..." "We apologise for the inaccuracies that have crept into this portrait of Albrecht Dürer." "Dürer never operated a car hire service." "Thank you." "Dürer drew his inspiration from his birthplace, Nuremberg." "None of his work can deny its influence." "Portraits" "Landscapes" "The detail of nature" "Social themes" "Religious themes" "But always present his fascination with the grotesque." "To find out more about Dürer the man, as opposed to Dürer the insect..." "Watch it!" "To find out what went on in the mind of this great artist we spoke to a person in Sydney." "Hello, I know as much about Dürer as I know about a kangaroo's rectum." "Well, a kangaroo's bum is a pretty tight little number..." "Personally I prefer to say 'arse'." "Bum." "Arse." "Arse." "Bum." "Arse." "Bum." "Bum." "Bum." "Arse." "Arse, bum, bum, arse." "We apologise for the inapposite style of that appraisal of Dürer." "We'll start again with an appreciation of his life and works sung by Anita Eckberg." "Albrecht Dürer, Albrecht Dürer, Riding through the glen" "Albrecht Dürer, Albrecht Dürer, With his band of men" "Feared by the bad" "Loved by the good" "We must apologise for this song." "It's not sung by Anita Eckberg but by a man crouching behind Miss Eckberg." "This appreciation has been abandoned." "Instead we bring you Part 4... of 'The merchant of Venice'" "Starring:" "The Bad Ischl dairy herd" "What?" "Is Antonio here?" "At your service, your grace." "Call Shylock the Jew to Court." "He comes, my lord." "I crave the law!" "The penalty and forfeit of my bond." "AND NOW..." "A WORD FROM A FRENCHMAN" "All my life I have been French" "And I have only once been to the toilet." "Yes... as his doctor, I can testify to it." "These papers prove he is French." "And this certificate here says that he has not gone to the bathroom in five years." "Yes, it's true." "He has not been to the toilet for five years." "As judge, I can confirm that he has not visited the toilet in 5 years." "Five years ago was the last time that he has visited the toilette." "It's true, he has not gone in five years." "As Chancellor of West Germany I corroborate the statement that it is five years since he last went to the toilet." "We, the American people, we sincerely believe that he has not gone to the bathroom in five years." "In the five years that I know him not once did he visit the toilet." "Five years?" "Yes, five years." "A FAMOUS BERLIN SPECIALIST" "Yes, it's definitely five years since he's been to the toilet." "Five blissful years which we spent together in idyllic happiness." "Each day there were so many exciting things to do." "But I knew it could not last." "It wasn't natural for doctor and patient to find such happiness in each other." "Soon I felt the pull of my own destination signalling me to return." "I knew it would hurt him." "But there was no other way." "I was born a doctor and will always be a doctor." "Our joy was an illusion a dream from which we had to awake." "I've been breeding doctors for 10 years now." "I've a fine herd of obstetricians... and short-horn gynaecologists." "Although they produce little milk, they are..." "I'm sorry to interrupt." "I'm glad to announce that we're returning to the profile of Dürer which we abandoned earlier." "Some changes have been made, and certain people sacked." "Ladies and gentlemen, one more time:" "'The Life and Times of Albracht Dürer'" "The Nuremberg painter who captivated Europe with his sharp eye and his mastery of line and texture." "His birthplace, Nuremberg." "None of his work can deny its influence." "Portraits" "Landscapes" "The detail of nature" "Social themes" "Sorry, I've just heard what's happened." "All I can say is..." "I'm sorry." "I wasn't watching this time." "I was just in the canteen eating a bun, and somebody informed me." "I really do apologise." "I suppose I ought to stop it, but I didn't see what happened so I'll hope it was a mistake made in good faith." "So let's hope we can probably return now to 'The Life and Times of Albrecht Dürer'." "Religious themes" "Enough!" "Stop it!" "I should have stopped it earlier." "Sorry, sorry." "Back to the programme." "...short-horn gynaecologists." "Although they produce little milk..." "Sorry about the interruptions." "...doctors are much easier to muck out and they allow cows more time to spend in the hospitals." "A ventricular valve is diseased." "We must operate immediately." "'Tis true." "Come, Antonio." "THE MERCHANT OF VENICE END OF ACT 1" "It's always a joy to see a new interpretation of Shakespeare." "But seldom do we find something so refreshingly original as this production by The cows of Bad Ischl." "'The Merchant of Venice' has always been a difficult play for animals." "I remember three years ago some chickens from Kaiserslauten trying it and failing miserably." "But these cows have avoided the pitfalls that the chickens fell into." "They haven't tried to dress up." "They haven't tried to turn it into an allegory about eggs." "And they don't run away all the time." "I loved it." "I can't wait to see these fine dairy cows get to grips with Wagner at Bayreuth next week." "Ladies and gentlemen, we present..." "The doctor's version of "The merchant of Venice"." "Noble Antonio, how is't with you?" "I'm suffering from inflammation of the alimentary tract..." "For those who tuned in hoping to see 'The Life and Times of Albrecht Dürer' we regret that, although two attempts were made to show it both were abandoned." "No more attempts will be made." "...perforations of the bronchial tubes could lead to pulmonary which we wish to avoid." "That is why we want to take his blood pressure..." "The end" "Get off!" "Get off!" "And you with that trick camera, get lost!" "Get lost!" "There's a man outside with a trick camera and he won't go away." "Really?" "Get lost!" "Once upon a time, there was a deep dark forest." "In this forest was a little house." "In this house lived a humble woodcutter and his wife  and their pretty daughter, Little Red Riding Hood." "In the middle of this deep dark forest lived a vicious wolf." "One day, Little Red Riding Hood went to take some things to her old grandmother who lived deep in the forest." "The vicious wolf saw Little Red Riding Hood." "'She looks good to eat.'" "'Where are you going, my pretty?" "'" "'To see my grandmother, kind sir.'" "'Ha ha ha!" "' smirked the wicked Wolf, and dashed off to the old woman's house." "Knock, knock, went the Big Bad Wolf" " The door opened wide." "But it wasn't grandmother who opened the door, it was Buzz Aldrin..." "American Astronaut Number Two." "For this wasn't Granny's house, but the Headquarters of NASA the American space research agency." "The bad wolf was shot by security guards." "The American space program carried on unmolested by wolves and other forest animals that are only trying to damage American prestige at a time when development of inter-space communications is of vital strategic and political significance for the free world." "Meanwhile, Little Red Riding Hood had her arms so full of flowers that she didn't notice Heinz approaching the Stuttgart rapist." "Poor Heinz, with his bad eyes." "Already that morning he had assaulted seven pines trees." "How pleased he was to find something that moved." "Poor Heinz." "But soon all the other rapists in the forest heard about his awkward situation and came from near and far to set him free." "So all was quiet in the forest again." "The humble woodcutter and his wife sold their story to 'Der Spiegel' for 40,000 Marks." "NASA agreed to limit the use of chemical propellants in unmanned launchings from Granny's house." "And Little Red Riding Hood became Telefunken's sales rep to the United Arab Republic, where she lived in a 3 room appartment in Cairo's El Akra district." "Dirty postcards?" "No, thanks." "Dirty socks?" "Dirty underpants?" "Dirty Woodcuts?" "Dirty engravings?" "Pictures of Albrecht Dürer?" "(Arabian accent) Albrecht Dürer." "Born 1471, died 1530." "Wadi-El-Misbih, the birthplace of Dürer." "None of his work can deny its influence." "Portraits" "Landscapes" "The detail of nature" "All very clean, all very cheap." "No thanks." "MUNICH 1972" "Hello, sport fans." "We're here on this beautiful morning at the 27th Silly Olympiad." "First, the high point of the day the 100 metres for men with no sense of direction." "Olafsen, the Silly Swedish gold medallist, is in the 1st lane." "And now the next final the 5000 metres for the deaf." "We're just in time for the start of the 2000 metres breaststroke for non-swimmers." "We'll bring you back here when they fish out the bodies." "Now over to the start of the marathon for incontinent people." "There are many entries this year, 44 competitors from 29 countries, ...all with very weak bladders ready for the world's longest race and aching to go." "A second attempt to start the deaf." "Here the first leap of the German master in Reverse Jumping." "And here's the 3000 metres for men who think they're chickens." "Slow so far" " This is the 3rd day, we expect a result in five weeks." "One snag has been that Abe Seagl, the Canadian champion spotted some corn, and they've been pecking away ever since." "The British hope, Martin Anthill, started well but has now settled on the waterjump." "Although the starter of the 5000 metres has tried machine gun, cannon, nothing will get these men moving." "Now he's going to show them." "The marathon incontinents have left the stadium, led by Ian McKellan." "No, Sven Bordlander." "No, Kwame M'Boko." "No, Manuel Gonzales." "No, Ferenc Kocsis..." "No..." "We leave this event now, because it's time to see the finish of the 1500 metres for people with their mothers." "And in the last 200 metres, Lungis and his mother are at the back because she wanted to go shopping." "Pirelli's mother took her shoes off, her feet were killing her." "The one came from the other side of the stadium from the 'Throwing the hammer at America' event." "Albrecht Dürer, born 1471, died 1530." "The Nuremberg cowboy and deputy sheriff of Dodge City..." "Stop!" "I've already said that there'll be no further attempts to do a Life and Times of Albrecht Dürer." "That's been totally abandoned." "Now let's have some proper entertainment, like a panel game." "Good evening, and welcome to 'It's all in how you say it'." "No, no, no, no, no." "Forget about this Western scene." "That sign is wrong." "Do it in the studio." "That's better." "Good eveing, and welcome to 'It's all in how you say it'." "Don't mind me." "Good evening, and welcome to 'It's all in how you say it'." "First we have with us Mr. Schultz who claims he wrote all of Shakespeare's works." "That's right." "I wrote all his plays and my wife and I wrote his sonnets together." "Mr. Schultz, these plays are known to have been performed in the early 17th century." "How old are you?" " Forty-three." "Well, how could you have written plays performed over 300 years before you were born?" "That is indeed the only weakness in my argumentation." "There is no way to answer that argument." "I was hoping you would not make that point." "But you're more than a match for me." "Thank you for coming along." "My pleasure." "Next we have Mr. Hase who claims to have built the Taj Mahal." "Erm, no." "Sorry?" "I thought you claimed to..." "I did, but I can see I won't last a minute with you." "Next..." "I was right." "...we have Mrs. Mund, from Peeneberg, who claims..." "What is your claim?" "That I can dig a tunnel through an elephant." "You've changed your claim." "You know we haven't got an elephant." "Oh, haven't you?" "Oh dear!" "You're not fooling anyone." "In your letter you have clearly claimed, that you could be thrown off castle Schwangau and be buried." "No, you can't read my writing." "It's typed." " It says 'elephant' here!" "This is an entertainment show and I am not prepared to sit here bickering." "A round of applause for Mrs. Mund." "Excuse me." "What?" "I'm Catherine the Great." "The programme's over." "I can kill bats with an egg spoon." "Sorry." "All right, then I claim I only wrote the 1st act of Hamlet and not the rest." "Go away." "What?" "I told you to go away, you uninteresting person." "I didn't want to be on your stupid panel game you know." "No, I wanted to be a lumberjack." "Yes, a lumberjack, leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of South Tyrol." "The giant sequoia, the larch, the fir, the mighty pine..." "The smell of fresh cut timber" "The crash of mighty trees" "With my best girl by my side" "And we'd sing, sing, sing!" "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK" "I sleep all night And I work all day." "He's a lumberjack and he's OK" "He sleeps all night and he works all day." "I cut down trees, I eat my lunch" "I go to the lavatory." "On Wednesday I go shopping" "And have buttered scones for tea." "He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch" "He goes to the lavatory." "On Wednesdays he goes shopping" "And has buttered scones for tea." "He's a lumberjack and he's OK" "He sleeps all night and he works all day." "I cut down trees, I skip and jump" "Put flowers in a vase" "I put on women's clothing" "And hang around in bars" "He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps" "Puts flowers in a vase" "He puts on women's clothing" "And hangs around in bars?" "He's a lumberjack and he's OK" "He sleeps all night and he works all day." "I cut down trees, I wear high heels" "Suspenders and a bra" "I wish I'd been a girlie" "Just like my uncle Walter." "He cuts down trees, he wears high heels" "Suspenders and a bra?" "Shocking!" "Shame!" "Oh, Franz!" "I thought you were so rugged." "Dear Sir, I protest in the strongest terms about the sketch about a lumberjack dressing as a lady." "I have known many lumberjacks and only 70% were transvestites." "The others formed relationships with farm animals in the usual way." "I also knew two weightlifters who dressed as kangaroos and performed intimate acts on a trampoline each Easter Sunday." "How long must society tolerate this pseudo-marsupial behaviour?" "Yours sincerely, Customs Inspector Heinrich von Salzenfels (Mrs.)" "Hold still... thank you." "Hold still... thank you." "Monty Python's Flying Circus written and performed by:" "THE END" "They started writing at Oxford and Cambridge and through the years have contributed to many British comedy shows." "But this is the first time they've all got together especially for German and Austrian television." "I hope you enjoyed it." "And now, Albrecht Dürer..."