"Happen we should..." "..just get on with the wedding, and not tell anyone until it's all over and done with." "I've never been a best man." "It's something I'd like to do, once, before I die." "When I come back we really do need to work out what's what and whose is what, and all the rest of it." "I think I'm a little bit in love with you." "I need to tell you this thing." "She slept with John." "It's just a disappointment, isn't it?" "An ongoing disappointment." "Who?" "Ellie." "Girlfriend." "She's not my girlfriend." "Gillian's coming." "Gillian?" "Yes." "Oh, and Kate's moving in." "They've got an appointment to get married at 11 o'clock this morning." "KEYS RATTLE" "How long will it take?" "Oh, I don't know." "Not long, I shouldn't think." "DOOR OPENS" "This is Dave." "He's kindly agreed to be our other witness." "This is, er, Celia." "How do you do?" "And this is Azeem." "Do you know how long it's going to take?" "Er..." "Half an hour?" "20 minutes?" "About that, yeah." "I'm wondering if you'd be better off finding somebody else." "Oh." "Sorry." "Are you on duty?" "Is he on duty?" "He shouldn't be wasting half an hour being a witness in a Registry Office if he's on duty." "I don't mind." "Would you be all right finding somebody else if I do bugger off?" "Well, yeah, obviously, I'll have to." "What if I gave you a £20 note?" "Oh." "Well..." "Yeah." "OK." "A £20 note?" "Yeah." "Each?" "Yeah." "Not between us." "Yeah, both of you." "Well, that's sorted!" "And now we're ready!" "He's a policeman!" "He shouldn't be fleecing pensioners." "And Azeem obviously needs to be somewhere else." "You're fine, love." "I'll just say I got delayed." "Do you know Paul Jatri?" "Should I?" "Celia Dawson and Alan Buttershaw?" "Yeah, that's us." "Oh, that's us." "Are you ready to come up?" "Yep, yeah." "I'm not too late?" "Alan Buttershaw and Celia Dawson?" "Just...just up the stairs." "And could you just confirm your date of birth for me, please, Alan?" "15th December, 1936." "No, fine, you carry on!" "Don't tell us." "We don't mind." "We're just your daughters." "Is Caroline here?" "No, Celia." "She isn't, because you can't get from Harrogate to Halifax in the space of 15 minutes." "Not unless you're Captain Spock, and you can disappear up your own backside in a cloud of glitter with a cheesy sound effect, and land on another planet two seconds later." "I don't think even Caroline can do that." "I may be wrong." "She means Mr Spock." "Who's he?" "!" "That's Azeem." ""Halifax's Finest Halal." Rawson Street, just on here." "Well, it's not mine, it's me uncle's." "How did you know...?" "Down the side of the settee." "I thought..." "I didn't know what to think." "And you know what, Dad?" "It's fine." "You go live in Harrogate with your posh pals, don't bother speaking to me for two weeks, don't invite me to your f... bloody wedding." "We used to talk to each other." "Do you remember?" "Before you had your head turned." "Don't you start on Celia." "I suppose it hasn't occurred to you to ask why...?" "I don't want to hear your crappy little excuses." "Y-you would never have done something like this before!" "You would never not have thought about me and Raff." "But that's fine, if that's the way they do things in Harrogate." "Enjoy." "Have you any, ANY idea how worried and upset I've been, eh?" "You haven't a f... bloody clue!" "Are we, er..." "carrying on, then, or what?" "Oh, damn." "I feel a bit shaken now." "Would you like a few minutes?" "Just to gather your thoughts?" "Maybe I should ring Caroline." "That's up to you." "Have a seat." "She'll be busy." "I haven't turned your head, have I?" "Ignore her." "Oh, damn." "It must have fallen out of my pocket." "It was just meant to be a bit of fun, you see, getting married in secret." "Well, and romantic." "And we were just going to tell 'em all afterwards." "We thought they'd think it was funny." "We thought they'd be pleased for us." "It doesn't seem the same now, if they know." "Well, they do know, clearly." "We weren't doing it just for effect." "We are actually in love with each other." "We have been since we were kids." "I don't think we should let it make any difference." "SHE SOBS" "SHE SNIFFS" "PHONE RINGS" "SHE GROANS" "Oh, you can do one." "'I can't take your call just now, but if you leave a message, I'll ring you back.'" "Gillian, it's Caroline." "I'm sorry I couldn't talk properly earlier," "I was just, erm..." "Are you all right?" "Look." "Ring me if you want to, I'm sure it's..." "They'll just..." "Oh, I don't know." "I'll try you again in a bit, OK?" "Bye-bye." "KNOCK AT DOOR" "Caroline?" "John's on the phone." "Put him through." "PHONE RINGS" "'Ello, 'ello." "'Hiya.'" "You all right?" "'Been better.'" "What time's your dinner break?" "John." "It's me. 'Yes.'" "Hello?" "'Can I talk to you?" "'" "Yes." "No, I meant face-to-face." "When?" "Sooner rather than later." "Are you having a lunch break today, or just working through?" "What do you want to talk about?" "'Me." "Us." "Everything.'" "I can give you half an hour at 1:30 if it's important." "Where?" "'Well, it'd have to be here, in my office.'" "I think you're over-reacting." "He thinks the sun shines out of her arse, and I'm just scum." "Well, he might think the sun..." "whatever, but why does that mean he suddenly thinks that you're scum?" "Oh, just..." "He's taken up with her, he's in love." "It's nice." "You can't be jealous." "I'm not jealous!" "Well, what is it then?" "Well, is it normal, not inviting any of your nearest and dearest to your wedding?" "Well..." "I could understand you being upset if they'd invited Caroline and not you, but they didn't." "They obviously wanted this little secret...do." "I think it's romantic." "I think Caroline's right, they just want..." "Oh, f..." "Bloody Caroline." "What's up with Caroline?" "I thought you were mates?" "Nothing!" "She walks on water." "She's perfection in human form." "And I'm just braindead low-life trailer-trash." "Oh, yes." "Is there something else going on?" "He's been in Harrogate two weeks." "I've rung him four or five times, because I'm worried about him, and he knows I am, and he barely has time to speak to me." "And when he does it's all very... tepid." "Have you argued about something?" "No." "Have you said something that's upset him?" "No!" "SHE SIGHS" "I think she thinks I'm a bit of a one." "Which I might be, sometimes." "But so what?" "Me dad's never minded before." "Well, he has, but..." "I think she thinks our house is a right muck-hole," "I can tell by t'look on her face." "It's a farm!" "Get over it." "Just cos I'm not sodding...perfect like Caroline." "Do you want me to ring him?" "No." "No." "Oh, it's..." "No." "Shall we get married and not tell anyone?" "I don't know what's happening to me." "I don't know who I can..." "I can't..." "There's no-one I can..." "What do you want?" "I didn't mean..." "I meant generally, in life, now." "What do you want?" "Focus on the future, not the past." "I want you." "I want everything to go back like it was." "Right." "I've moved on." "You are going to have to get used to that, and when you do..." "My publisher's dropped me." "Really?" "Really?" "Yeah." "Oh, shit." "Well, I'm..." "God, I'm sorry." "I've squandered everything that mattered." "I don't recognise myself." "Could you get more work at the university?" "Yes, that's..." "It's..." "I can ask." "But..." "Would you like some tea?" "DOOR OPENS" "I may have... ..over-reacted." "You going to say anything?" "It were just meant to be a bit of fun." "Bit of an adventure." "Nobody was excluding anybody... as such." "It were just..." "Yeah, right." "Why would you think it was all about you?" "I didn't tell Caroline." "Cos of..." "Cos of that what you said last time I saw you... about me mother." "And then you don't speak to me for two weeks, hardly." "And I have to rely on Caroline, this woman who... let's be honest, I hardly know." "Having the courtesy to pick up the phone to me to know you're not..." "back in hospital, or worse." "We came up wi' t'plan before we ever even had that conversation about your mum." "We just didn't want a fuss, love." "Your dad didn't, and neither did I." "It were nothing to do with anything else." "This is between me and him." "I really would appreciate you not speaking to Celia like that." "I don't believe you anyway." "Right." "You don't..." "You don't want a fuss?" "Fine." "But why would you not want to share all of that with any of us?" "With Raff, with your mates?" "Not just me." "I mean, Harry and Maurice were wetting themselves, they were..." "I've said what I've said." "It's t'truth." "If you're not prepared to accept it, there's very little I can do." "What have you done to him?" "He didn't used to be like this." "You'll be voting for Snooty Dave and his chums soon, Dad." "You'll be buying the Daily Mail." "I think we better go." "Back to Harrogate, is it?" "I'll phone you when we arrive so you'll know we've got there safely." "If you've time." "I don't know how you can fashion talking to your dad like this, when you know how poorly he's been." "Don't go..." "Dad." "Well... the thing is, we're married now, so..." "You did it?" "Yeah, course we did it!" "So I'm going back to Harrogate with Celia, because that's always what t'plan were." "Plan were to come and tell you first, because you're here, and Caroline second, because she's there." "We had a bit of a debate about that, the logistics." "Because we didn't want Caroline to feel she was any less important." "But we couldn't think of a way round it...short of telephoning, but we wanted to see people's faces when we told them, because..." "I thought they'd be happy for us." "Right." "Well, if you'd had us all there you could have seen all our faces all at the same time, but obviously that wasn't what you wanted." "Well... perhaps we have made a mistake." "Well, we have, clearly, because this doesn't resemble, in any way shape or form, the happy moment we hoped it might be." "SHE SNIFFS" "I'm sorry." "I've over-reacted." "If I hadn't found that card, I'd never have known, and you'd have just turned up all happy, and I'd have... probably been very happy to see you." "But still...pissed off that you hadn't spoken to me properly for two weeks." "Yes, you don't have to remind me that there was a... reason for not speaking to me." "PHONE RINGS" "Hello?" "'Mum?" "It's me.'" "Hiya." "Is it all right if I bring Ellie home?" "For tea?" "'Ellie?" "' Yeah." "She's not a vegetarian or anything dozy, is she?" "Well, actually, yeah, she is." "'Right, well, I might have a carrot somewhere." "'Your grandad's got married.'" "Me grandad?" "!" "'Yeah.'" "What?" "!" "Yeah. 'When?" "'" "This morning." "The jammy old b...!" "Were you there?" "Who were there?" "Nobody." "Nobody was there." "WHISPERS:" "Me grandad's got married!" "How come?" "ELLIE LAUGHS" "Your grandad?" "Is she laughing?" "ELLIE GIGGLES" "Married?" "Well, I don't know whether they actually did." "Granny's got her mobile permanently on voice mail, so you know as much as me." "Ring Alan's mobile." "I don't think I've got his number." "Ring Gillian again." "I've rung her four times." "I don't think she's speaking to me." "Why?" "Oh, she was upset because they hadn't invited us, whereas I thought, well, I wouldn't have time to go anyway." "Yes, you would!" "Kate, I haven't got time to get divorced, never mind going to other people's weddings." "You are going to find time to get divorced." "Where's Dad?" "He's at Judith's, I expect." "I don't know." "Angus said he saw him in school today." "Yes, he was." "Briefly." "Why?" "We had something to discuss." "Angus said he looked hungover." "Yes, well, Angus has a very fertile imagination." "What did he want to discuss?" "I'll tell you later." "I know why they didn't invite us." "Why?" "It's not rocket science, is it?" "You don't think they didn't invite anyone because of me?" "Us." "You and me." "What makes you think that?" "Thanks." "What's she like?" "The lady he's married." "She's kind of glamorous." "How?" "!" "Me grandad thinks she is." "And look at that car she persuaded him to buy." "Well, he's mesmerised by her, isn't he?" "She's nice." "She's funny." "She's a bitch." "What you on about?" "That's a bit strong." "He'd never have had that heart attack if she hadn't been so nasty and small-minded...about Caroline." "She's got this daughter." "She's posh." "Really brainy, really clever." "Really nice." "On what planet is Caroline "nice"?" "!" "She is!" "That night Celia and me grandad went missing, she was really supportive and kind..." "She was the one sat in this very chair, blubbing her eyes out, going," ""Oh, I've been depressed." It was me, me, f... bloody me." "Do you mind not swearing at the dining table, Mother?" "Do you mind not cracking these people up to be things they're not?" "She's got a doctorate in chemistry from Oxford." "So what?" "!" "I bet she doesn't know how to deliver breached twin lambs at 3:00 in the morning, in a blizzard." "I bet she does." "THEY GIGGLE" "HE SIGHS" "Well, Mrs Buttershaw." "Well, Mr Buttershaw." "It's been quite a day." "Every day with you seems to be quite a day, one way or another." "I can't remember what I did with myself all day before I met you." "No, I don't think I can." "I just used to fart about and do bugger all." "Oh, I'm quite fond of farting about and doing bugger all." "I think it relaxes you." ""Hobbies include farting about and doing bugger all."" "I might put it on my CV." "Have you got one?" "Have I hell!" "I don't need one, I'm a woman of leisure." "And means." "Have been for some significant time." "I'm quite a catch, let's face it, in oh so many ways." "And modest, too." "Hell, no!" "When did being modest ever get you anywhere?" "So." "The wedding night!" "Hmm." "60 years later than anticipated, maybe, but..." "Well worth the wait." "Well, we'll find out, won't we?" "THEY LAUGH" "Had we not better knock on Caroline's door first?" "Oh, God." "I wonder what Gillian's told her?" "CORK POPS Where's Kate?" "Oh, she's gone home." "Just tonight, just to sort out a few things." "And the boys?" "William's got a job in town, washing up in a restaurant." "Good for him!" "He won't be back until gone midnight." "And Lawrence is upstairs sulking." "Oh, why?" "Cos I've taken him off at the knees, I wiped the floor with him." "What's he done?" "He's upset Kate." "Why, what's he said?" "Apparently" " I didn't hear it, I was trying to fathom the gas bill - he said the reason you hadn't invited any of us to the wedding wasn't rocket science, it was because you didn't want Kate there." "Cheers!" "Congratulations!" "Here's mud in your eye." "Which I said was nonsense." "It is nonsense." "It were nowt to do with anyone else, it was just meant to be a bit of..." "A bit of fun!" "I know." "As long as we're clear that it is nonsense." "It's nonsense." "And you can tell her that from me." "Or you can tell her yourself the next time you see her." "Right." "Right." "So, just out of interest, now you're married, where were you thinking of living?" "Ah, well..." "We've not really... ..that's one of the things, you see." "We were getting that bogged down in t'practicalities of this, that and t'other, we ended up thinking," ""Well, we'll never get wed at this rate."" "OK, well, I'm just going to run this past you." "John's publisher's given him the shove." "Oh, shit!" "So, this is the thing..." "He can't afford to buy me out, my half, my share, which I always imagined he could, but he can't, so, wahey." "Anyway, now I'm contemplating ways in which I can buy him out, rather than...sell up, which, obviously, is an option." "OK..." "I've not had the house valued yet, but based on what I imagine we'd be looking at, and if you did want to live in the flat together..." "We'd have to make a contribution?" "It's..." "That's..." "I have already put money into this house." "The bottom line... unless a number of factors kick in, financially, is that we would have to sell up." "What sort of figure would you be looking for from me?" "From us." "100,000." "One along here sold for 850,000 a few weeks ago, it's ridiculous." "And you could afford the rest yourself?" "No, I was going to ask Kate." "Ask Kate what?" "To sell her house." "I haven't said anything to her yet." "I wanted to talk to you first." "Look, don't..." "Nobody has to make any instant decisions." "I just..." "It's the boys, you see, as well." "I'd like to be able to give them that stability, at least until they've finished their education, and..." "Oh, God, I'm sorry!" "It's your wedding night." "I shouldn't be inflicting all that on you now." "We'll talk about it tomorrow." "Take this." "Oh, thank you." "Could you give us a minute?" "Eh?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, of course I can." "Thank you, Caroline." "It's a pleasure." "I'll see you in t'morning." "I'll see you in the morning." "What?" "It wasn't about Kate, us getting married like this." "It hadn't occurred to me." "It was because of what the consultant said that morning Alan left hospital." "What do you mean?" "We just wanted to get it done with, quickly, with as little fuss as possible." "Why?" "Look, you're not to say anything." "He won't talk about it." "He likes to pretend there's nothing wrong with him, and we just got married for a bit of fun." "Which we did!" "And Gillian doesn't know this." "What?" "A sensible approach is the key, Mr Buttershaw, because, not to put too fine a point on it, you wouldn't survive another heart attack." "Even a relatively small one." "Oh, good Lord." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I just wanted you to know." "And you can tell Kate, so she knows." "It really wasn't about anything else." "I need to tell you something." "How's she getting home?" "Can she stop?" "Here?" "Yeah." "Tonight?" "Yeah." "No." "You can give Ellie a lift down Ripponden when you go, can't you, Robbie?" "Yeah." "I'll be setting off in about half an hour or so." "Sorted." "Right." "OK." "Well... the thing is..." "She's pregnant." "It's mine." "She's eight months." "She told her mum and dad and they went mad." "They've chucked her out." "Has something happened?" "'Not..." "No, not..." "Well, yeah, yeah." "'Something's..." "Raff's got himself into a bit of bother.'" "It's nowt to worry about, Dad." "I don't want you getting stressed." "Just...it might benefit him if you're around a bit, that's all." "If... if you..." "Right." "OK." "Well, we can pop over." "Who is it?" "Gillian." "That'd be..." "'Can you give me general, erm...?" "'" "It's..." "It's..." "It's..." "He's wanting to leave school, and chuck his life down the drain." "Like I did." "And I don't want him to." "Why?" "Why's he suddenly thinking of doing that?" "I thought he was doing very well with his A-levels?" "'He is!" "He is." "'It's...a bit complicated, and there's a girl involved." "'It's...a man thing.'" "It's best if you come over, if you can." "I'm going to have to drive over to Halifax." "Is Robbie not around?" "You can't drive, you're not allowed." "Bugger that." "'You're the only person he ever really listens to.'" "I'll drive you." "Sell my house?" "I know it's mad." "But you see, I think this is working, you and me, don't you?" "Well..." "There's Lawrence." "And the ever-constant threat of John dropping by, pissed, with Judith." "I'm dealing with all that." "And your mum." "Although maybe Celia and Alan will want to go and live somewhere else anyway, now they're married." "Well, no, thing is I'd probably need her input as well, financially." "So she'd be staying?" "Well, I..." "I think she's been on a steep learning curve." "Really, I do." "They'd probably spend most of their time over at Gillian's anyway." "I don't know." "Fine." "I'm not saying no." "I shouldn't have asked." "CHILDREN SING HYMN" "OK, good, it's fine, forget it, let's not dwell on..." "No." "Actually..." "If it was just about you and me," "I'd be worried that it was far too quick and that you'd regret it." "Kate, I wouldn't have asked you if I thought I'd regret it." "I like that house a lot, but I'm not blinkered." "It's..." "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." "I hope I'm not shallow enough to be asking you for the wrong reasons." "It's just a bit sooner than we might have anticipated." "That's all." "Really?" "Really." "Look." "Say no." "If you really think it's wrong, say no." "But think about it." "It's not something we have to decide this second." "I can't kiss you here." "No." "No." "You really can't." "Nope." "We'd need to know the exact figures." "Mm-hm." "I've got someone coming to give me a valuation later this afternoon." "I'll get mine valued." "So is that...?" "There's just one other thing to say." "Which I would've brought up further down the line had things progressed... but seeing as we're possibly moving forward slightly faster than..." "What?" "You know I'm 42 next week?" "Yes." "I did know that." "OK." "This is equally..." "OK." "I want a baby." "I want to have a baby." "I've always wanted a baby." "And if we are going to do this properly, permanently, you need to know that." "And it's good that it's cropped up now because time is not on my side." "No." "Caroline." "I'm serious." "You better go." "So, what's up?" "Celia." "Gillian." "You know I told you Raff's got a girlfriend?" "Is this the one that blows hot and cold?" "That's right." "Ellie." "The one who only bothers with him - if she hasn't got a better offer on the table." "Well, what about her?" "She's here." "She's inside." "She's pregnant." "Eight months." "They both reckon it's his." "Her mum and dad gave her an ultimatum, which allegedly she didn't like." "It involved not seeing our Raff any more." "So..." "Did she not..." "think to get shut of it?" "She didn't know she was pregnant." "She says." "She managed to convince herself it was any number of other things." "And you can't tell till you know to look." "She's hardly showing." "So it's too late to...?" "Five months too late." "I've made her an appointment at the surgery." "I'm driving her down in half an hour." "And...is it definitely his?" "He is convinced that it's his." "But you're not to get upset." "Whatever's happened, we'll sort it." "What's the plan?" "The plan." "Well..." "He's not leaving school." "I've told him." "He's a bright lad, he's going places." "I'll do what I can for 'em, but..." "I've told them in words of one syllable, I am not a nanny." "That's two syllables." "I'm not made of money." "What about her parents?" "They obviously think our Raff's not good enough for her." "Which is interesting, cos frankly I'd have said it was the other way round." "Did he not take precautions?" "These are the wrong questions, Dad!" "The time has passed." "She's inside." "Raff's gone to school." "D'you want to come and say hello?" "Ellie." "This is Raff's grandad." "Hello, love." "Alan." "And this is Celia." "My wife." "Celia." "I've just had a bath." "Congratulations." "I think it was a bit hot." "I think I'm having like..." "contractions." "Oh, heck!" "We'll get her up to the hospital." "You go pick Raff up from school." "It's a mess, that's what this is." "A right total fff...sodding mess." "Yeah, I know, I know, all right." "I know!" "And how do we know it's yours?" "Really, eh?" "We've been through this." "I told you, I know the night." "No, come on, maths - if she's only eight months, why's she gone into labour now?" "It's early!" "You so want to believe it, don't you?" "She probably isn't even eight months, size of her!" "She's never slept with anyone else." "She says." "Yes." "She says." "Happen you better ring her mum and dad." "I'm not ringing her mum and dad." "Oh, well, that's grown up." "They hate me." "Well, they need to know, they need to share some of the responsibility, she's their daughter, that'll be their grandchild." "Unequivocally, theirs." "Whereas I don't have the luxury of such certain knowledge." "She wouldn't lie!" "Why would she lie?" "Because she knows she can rely on you, you pillock!" "Cos you're so bloody smitten with her!" "So I'm reliable!" "And that's bad..." "why?" "Because you've got your whole life ahead of you!" "You've got choices!" "What choices will you have if you're saddled with a baby at 17?" "And it's not even yours!" "For sure." "She dumped you for this other lad, who else has she been... wriggling around with, eh?" "No-one." "God, you're naive." "Yeah, and you're a dirty-minded old cow." "I beg your pardon?" "Didn't say owt." "You haven't to stress your grandad." "I'm not stressing me grandad!" "If anyone'll be stressing me grandad with shouting, it's you!" "WOMAN:" "You're doing what?" "Delivering babies." "Well, a baby." "Unless it's twins, which I'd be very surprised, size of her." "Well..." "Why're you...?" "What're you...?" "Whose is it?" "That's the 64 million question." "Shall we start at the beginning?" "Well, surprise, surprise, it turns out Raff's a bit of a... muck lump just like his mother." "And..." "You know what?" "She insisted on Alan racing over here." "She'll be wanting to tap money off him." "They're already hard up, and now with a baby on the way." "Sorry, so...?" "Raff's put his girlfriend in the pudding club." "And she's not dared tell anyone until it's too late, and she's just gone into labour." "Just now, just this morning, that's why we're here." "But you needn't worry, love." "On the money front." "I'll not be taken in." "Did you talk to Kate?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "And...?" "Is she on board?" "In..." "Yeah, theory." "You don't sound convinced." "No, she's..." "Obviously it's a big thing to ask." "Don't take this the wrong way..." "What?" "Isn't it a bit soon?" "To be asking her to buy a house with you?" "I know you're very fond of her, and I'm not saying anything about that." "But you've only been together five minutes." "I can't sell that house." "Oh, I'll have to go, love." "I'll talk to you later, bye." "Where is she?" "They're through here." "He'll be here any minute." "Sorry, what was your name again?" "Alan!" "I'm Grandad." "Apparently." "Deep!" "Really inhale it." "Great-grandad." "Sorry?" "Great-grandad." "Won't you be its great-grandad?" "Oh, aye." "It's one of these." "Are you looking for someone?" "Ellie." "Ellie Weaver." "Just down here." "I don't want a baby." "I'm too young to have a baby." "I don't even know what you do with babies." "You'll work it out soon enough." "What if I don't like it?" "What if it's got something wrong with it?" "What if it's got more than one head?" "Well, there's no sending 'em back." "It won't have." "Why haven't we evolved better?" "This is medieval." "I'm going to be split in two, I'm going to die." "No you're not." "I'm not ready for this, I'm not even here." "You're going to be absolutely fine." "Did you two get married yesterday?" "We did, yes." "And not tell anyone?" "That's right." "Why?" "Just...to be different, really." "Romantic." "And was it?" "Well..." "MAN:" "Everybody happy." "Say cheese!" "..it was memorable." "Now who've we got?" "Ah, this is my grandson." "This is so weird." "And you're the father?" "Yeah." "You all right?" "And I'm his mother." "I'm not really comfortable with the fact that this is happening." "In fact, I'm inclined to suggest that it isn't." "I am firmly of the opinion that I'm not really here." "She's been at the Entonox." "Right, so, she's between three and four centimetres dilated." "It's going to be good few hours before the fun really starts, so..." "I'm not actually her mother." "Her mother isn't actually here." "Ellie?" "Have you rung your mum?" "No." "D'you think you should?" "Because if you don't, I will." "The night Caroline was born, I lost three pints of blood." "I nearly died." "Did you?" "Mm-hm." "I could feel myself going down this tunnel." "Odd thing was, I didn't mind." "I just thought..." ""So this is it, this is what it's like."" "And I nearly got to the end." "And then it got slower, and slower." "I realised I was going backwards." "Back the way I'd come." "And that must've been when they gave me the blood transfusion." "D'you think it is his?" "Raff's?" "They were at a party." "I asked him." "They'd been drinking." "Malibu or something." "And...." "I think they're genuinely very fond of each other." "They're the same age we were that day when you asked me out at the top of Elizabeth Street in 1953." "D'you remember?" "I'd just started at Jessops." "I had a new suit." "You'd just started at Co-op." "God." "We'd have never carried on like that at that age, would we?" "No." "But they do now." "So..." "People had more self-respect." "Well, we hadn't had the benefit of the swinging '60s in 1953, had we?" "You're not going to make out like it's a good thing." "I'm very good with babies." "I'm sure you are." "They tend to like me." "I don't know why." "They can probably sense you're as daft as they are." "Yes." "That'll be it." "I never thought I'd live to be a great-grandad." "Well..." "We're not entirely sure that you are one yet." "Are we?" "I'd have to help 'em out." "In the money department." "If that's what's needed." "You know that, don't you?" "I'm not having that lad leaving school, he could get in at a university, the way he's heading." "Well, OK." "Just as long as you know that I can't see Caroline short either." "Over this house business." "How's it going?" "Slowly." "Poor kid, she's terrified." "I can't get hold of her mum and dad." "I've left messages to ring me on both their mobiles, and their landline, and nothing." "What's up with 'em?" "They're probably in shock, aren't they?" "Same as everybody else." "Still, you'd not think they'd turn their back on her, would you?" "Perhaps they're Christians." "Listen, I've got stuff to see to at home," "I haven't fed stock in lower field, it won't take me long." "Can you hang about here?" "Just for a couple of hours?" "Just until I get back?" "Just in case Raff needs a bit of support." "Can we?" "I don't think he believes it's happening either." "Course we can." "I let myself in." "What's all this?" "I've collected some of my stuff from the house." "I'm going to look at getting a flat near the university." "What happened to digging your heels in and pissing her off?" "They've dropped me, Kershaw and Whittle." "Francis Hilliard sent me an e-mail last week." "They've...?" "I don't know why I'm that surprised." "It's been obvious for ages that you've lost it." "What're you talking about?" "I don't even know if you ever really had it." ""Had it." What?" "That fire." "That real passion." "I think you were just lucky for a while." "You have no idea." "You know... the trouble with you is that you've never really lived life on the edge." "Have you?" "You've never really taken a risk with anything." "You've never really dared to do anything properly dangerous." "You just..." "You just fiddle-faddle around near the boundaries a bit, don't you?" "Pretending." "But you never actually push them like a real writer." "You're terrified." "Given the choice, if she'd have you back, you'd go crawling back to Caroline, wouldn't you?" "With your tail between your knees." "What do you want, John?" "What do you really, really want?" "You don't have to answer that," "I'm not really interested." "But whatever it is, can you piss off out of my flat and chase after it for once in your life?" "Instead of just clinging on to what's familiar." "Do they snog?" "I don't know." "Do they do sex?" "I don't know." "Why don't you go and live with your dad if Miss McKenzie's going to start telling the boss fibs about you?" "I might do." "Like I say, if you think it's a non-starter, then I..." "I mean, I do know it's a minefield." "I do know that you might not want to go through all that again." "And certainly not with a child that isn't..." "But it would be yours, is the point, ours." "How?" "I mean, how would...?" "Oh, well, obviously a donor." "Who?" "OK, so, there's this person I was at university with." "And ever since I've not been married to Richard any more, I've often... occasionally thought that if I ever did manage to have a baby, he's someone I would ask, possibly." "Who is he?" "He's called Greg." "And I went out with him for a bit when we were at Durham." "We slept together, is the point, so he's nice, he's clever, he's good, he's a really good person." "He's..." "That's why I thought of him." "He's like you." "He's one of the grown-ups." "Why didn't you marry him?" "Will you meet him?" "I'm not part of the equation." "No!" "No." "God, Caroline." "The only people who are part of the equation are you and me and the baby." "So..." "OK, so, have you... done any research as regards...?" "We could go down the medical route." "Which is...?" "Complicated." "Lengthy." "And the thing is... because I have slept with him before, 300 years ago, we could just do it." "I mean, he might not agree to any of this." "I think he probably would." "He's not married, he has been, and apparently that is the best way of getting pregnant rather than any sort of artificial..." "Has he got children from his marriage?" "No." "Is he firing blanks?" "Oh." "Does he want children?" "I don't..." "It's not really about whether he wants children, is it?" "It's more about whether he's willing." "Why did his marriage break down?" "I don't know the ins and outs." "He's obviously someone you keep in touch with." "Yeah." "Christmas cards." "When we still did Christmas cards." "Now it's just the odd e-mail." "When?" "When his marriage broke down." "When mine did." "He knows about you." "I need to meet him." "You will!" "And this is all..." "I've not discussed it with him." "He might just say no." "Maybe I shouldn't meet him." "It so isn't about him." "No." "It is." "I don't want you getting sperm from just anywhere." "No, course." "Do we know anyone else?" "No." "Why didn't you and Richard?" "We did." "Four times." "I lost them all." "I didn't know that." "I never got beyond 12 weeks." "Oh, God." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Caroline, if you think it's a daft idea, just say..." "I don't think it's a daft idea." "You've obviously... thought about it a lot and it obviously means a lot." "I mean, it's fundamental, babies, isn't it?" "Who am I to say no, it's your life, it's your body." "no, I know." "It is, but..." "I wouldn't want to do it on my own." "No." "We would be talking sleepless nights and nappies." "And years of angst and teenage tantrums." "Oh, I can do all of that." "You're 46." "It's not really what you'd planned to do next, is it, babies?" "No." "I wonder how my mother's getting on?" "She was delivering a baby last time I spoke to her." "Your mother was delivering a baby." "Well, she said she was." "Whose?" "Is there anything that woman doesn't get up to?" "Somebody else'll be doing all the hard work." "She'll just be standing near the door making droll comments." "I think we're ready to start pushing, Ellie!" "PHONE BEEPS" "Can you turn that off, please?" "I'm sorry." "Can you feel the contraction coming?" "Yeah!" "Right, well, I want you to push." "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to sit down." "Perhaps you could take Raff out into the corridor for a few minutes." "Come on, lad." "What about me?" "Grandad's still here." "It's all right, love!" "You're doing very well." "Put your head between your knees." "I should be able to do this, I can deliver lambs, no problem." "SHE SCREAMS" "Would you like a mint imperial?" "I want a thing!" "I want an injection!" "I want painkillers!" "I want everything!" "I think it'd be better if you can do it without." "Keep pushing, love." "Keep pushing!" "Yeah, you just keep squeezing Grandad's hand." "He's not me grandad!" "No, I know I'm not, but I don't mind, we can pretend." "I want my grandad." "Well, I can ring him if you think he'll answer his phone." "Look in my phone book." "You'll have to go out into the corridor to make that call." "What's it under?" "Grandad!" "What do you think?" "Good, it makes sense." "And what's his name?" "Harry." "Harry Wallace." "Harry Wallace is your grandad?" "!" "What's up with that?" "Nothing." "We're..." "Hurry up!" "Get him rung!" "Hello?" "Gillian." "Speaking." "How's things?" "Why?" "Just wanted to run something past you." "Quickly." "OK." "Well." "I know you said you're seeing Robbie." "But frankly..." "I think you and me both know that's just a disaster waiting to happen." "Really?" "Really." "You also indicated that you were in need of some sort of investment... in the farm." "Your publisher's just dumped you, I'm not thick." "Caroline wants to buy my half of the house." "I think we'll be looking at... 400, 450,000." "Cash." "You think you can just buy me?" "No." "I just thought..." "Are you doing anything this weekend?" "What did y'have in mind?" "Anything." "All sorts." "Can we have this conversation later?" "What are you doing here?" "It's a girl." "Six pound, three ounces." "Did you know?" "Ellie's my grandaughter." "This is her mum, my daughter, Yvonne." "Yvonne, Gillian." "I've been ringing you." "We had no idea." "We didn't even know that she was pregnant." "She said you'd chucked her out." "She never even told us!" "Did you not get my messages?" "I've been in meetings all day at work," "I only got wind of it when Dad phoned my secretary." "Alastair's going to go mad, he's going to go through the bloody ceiling." "Has your son never heard of condoms?" "Eh, don't you start on my son." "What's your daughter doing putting it about so much?" "Now, steady on." "We don't even know it is Raff's." "Keep calm." "And you an' all." "So...it's a girl?" "They're just giving her a few stitches, Ellie, then we can go and have a look." "PHONE BEEPS" "Yeah, but it's a bit interesting that she did lie, isn't it?" "Don't you make judgement about me, about my family." "Nobody's making judgement, love." "I'm just saying." "It's a bit interesting that she couldn't tell her own mum." "Are you listening to this?" "Dad!" "I'm staying out of it." "Well, we've got married and had a baby in just 48 hours." "We're on fire." "We're cooking with gas." "There's no stopping us." "You're..." "It's poisonous saying something like that, you don't even know us, you don't know me." "You know she doesn't like you." "Shit-stirrer." "Don't you dare!" "Oh, they know it all, don't they?" "Except how to avoid getting pregnant." "I want to be somebody's mum." "It's true, she does want a baby." "How?" "It's going to get very confused about who its mother is." "Ambulance."