"the good game." "And by "game" I am not referring to shader affects, high polygon counts, compelling story or any of other irrelevant nonsense I don't give a submarining fuck about." "I mean the actual game play, the part were you control stuff and have it interact with other stuff and then your brain generates fun." "If I wanted a compelling story I'd read a book." "Theres only a few million of them already in existence the majority of which are written by people whose talents compare to the best video game writers the same way Kobe Bryant's penis might compare to to a poorly endowed tit mouse." "If enduring 90-minutes of CGI cut scenes dubbed with pornography grade voice acting sound exciting to you," "I suggest you immediately navigate your web browser to the neighborhood torrent site and start downloading something called a "movie"." "Any of them really, because apparently you are very easily satisfied." "Perhaps I'm romanticizing the past here but I remember a time when most games were about being challenged to explore new game play mechanics, about learning and solving new puzzles, about improving your skills against all types of adversaries," "and about feeling proud of your accomplishments." "Now, the most shiny particle effected vessels guiding any soccer-mom-caliber gamer through a generic 3rd grade level story where anyone with a brain the size of a steroid shrunk testicle can pretend to be a hero and maintain a fantasy" "OF NOT SUCKING BALLS AT VIDEO GAMES..!" "But.. but Nahtzee need I see a reason for what I am doing" "Motivation for my character." "A back story!" "Would you really need a back story to play Donkey Kong you twat?" "How 'bout football, or poker?" "If the process of playing a game isn't fun for you, well maybe your not a "gamer"!" "Of course, not to say I'm unappreciative of all my free kills in CoD4 but lately I've become rather miffed at the notion that this overwhelming number of noobs has negatively influenced the direction of video game design for ever." "Instead of humanity pursuing the development of the next chess we have an endless supply of 8-hour long interactive B-movie experiences at 60 dollars a pop with unimaginatively reskinned sequels announced exactly 3 seconds after the current product is launched." "Congratulations noobs!" "You have effectively raised an army of consumer gaming zombies who conveniently seem to lack not only artistic standards but opposable thumbs." "I'd be inclined to look the other way and ignore the thumbless zombie parade, but these bundling post bouts have the audacity to hate on us!" "The gamers who play games for game-play and so we're subject to the endless abuses of idiotic whiners." "Rusher fag" "Hacker" "No life loser" "IMBALANCE!" "But the truth is the only imbalance here is coming from your underdeveloped inner ear you" "UNCOORDINATED BALL of GHEY." "I'm truly sorry you had your clumsy ass kicked around in gym class like a hacky sack in the 1980's but thats no reason to be a sandy cruch vagina while i'm kicking your virtual ass in super smash brothers brawl." "Even more infuriating then the consumer zombie noobs are the noobs who's job involve playing video games then critiquing them for mass public consumption." "These champions of mob mentality shouldn't bother me since I've grown rather accustom to unqualified nitwits performing undeserved jobs." "Except that within gaming media circles being a noob seems to have become some fucking prerequisite." "I know going through life with a lack of pin script can be frustrating, but calling a 3 hour single player experience the height of game design and comparing the dialog in GTA4 to that of the God Father in nothing less than absolutely retarded." "Heres the unpleasant truth, your teachers lied to you when they said that anyone, even you, can become an astronaut." "Some people are just naturally better at certain things then others." "Theres something called talent." "No matter how hard I try I'll never paint the Mona Lisa or invent the quantum computer." "No matter how hard you try you'll never finish Contra without cheating." "Many people have a genuine desire to challenge themselves to be better." "This does not make them alien or cruel, and certainly not rusher fags." "It just makes them Uber Gamers." "It no reason to resent them, at least no more then you resent John Holmes for his enormous cock." "So the next time you think 'I could beat all the pro gamers if I just played as much as them.'" "Think again..." "That belief is as pathetic as the accent I am talking in right now." "All the basketball training in the world wont help your pudgy 5'4 dimpled bottom make the NBA." "Just like all the Starcraft training in the world couldn't prevent Park Sung Joon from sticking his golden mouse up your ass." "Well Dave." "Its up to you." "Are you sure you want to do this?" "That was close Dave." "I mean you almost touched me." "Jeremy and I play a lot of brawl." "And he thinks he's pretty good." "But come on!" "See that?" "That's how you win." "Yea, that's how you win 1 in 10 games." "If you wanna win the rest you watch me." "1 in 10?" "!" "What are you talking about?" "Oh it was 1 in 6 then?" "Huh." "So that's how its going to be." "You want to count." "Lets count!" "Ok..." "There's a lot of noobs in the world that are training to be like pro." "So teh_masterer he's got like this exchange program thing." "Where they are all coming in." "And they are assigned to peeps like me and Dave who are uber pro." "so they can train and be better." "So Dave, can I.. can I play now?" "Nope." "Now is time to watch." "So my kid..." "He's named, like, Chris." "And he's coming from like.. uh, California." "And apparently he's like the best of like, all the young pros." "So I mean obviously, like, they are going to give him to me to train." "Right?" "And I'm totally going to train him up, like real good." "And then he's gonna kick like, Dave's kid's ass." "And It'll kinda be like having my own little Pokemon." "Also they got to do like, everything we say." "So..." "Like, I'm totally going to get him to like, do my laundry..." "And like..." "Totally clean me and Kyle's toilet." "and stuff like that." "While your at it why don't you get him to wipe your ass?" "Ohh Dave... hahahaha" "Ooop!" "150 Dave!" "Can't run forever." "Can't run forever!" "Lucky number 14." "Here comes 14." "Dave, your.. he's Chinese you're good at math right?" "You tell me, is 14 bigger then 3 or..." "Let's go get ice cream." "Hahahaha" "Hahahahaha... ohohohoh... ehehehehe...." "I can't believe that!" "I shot you how many times?" "!" "Uhhh, zero... hahaha" "Yea... zero.." "Ohohohoh" "Oh man..." "Yea!" "Ok dude I got it, nades and knives." "Nades and knives?" "Ok, nades and knives." "Oh I know you want some Stabby McStaberson, Doug." "Ohhhh, hahahahaha" "That was awesome!" "Doug, you just shot me." "Yea I know." "I.." "I thought we were playing nades and knives" "Yea I'm using those too." "Pfpt hahahahhaha." "Pay attention dude!" "Hey." "What do ya say, want to go take a break maybe?" "Go play some 360?" "Sure." "Ahahahahah" "Woo, woo, woo.." "Woooooo....." "Wha..." "What?" "Let that be a lesson to ya Doug." "And let that be a lesson to you at home too." "Jeremy, you're not actually teaching anybody anything." "What do ya mean?" "Well I mean you think your being so awesome teaching all these people how to play games, but you're not actually accomplishing anything." "Well..." "I'm giving them the privilege of watching like, the two best people in the universe play CoD4." "Yea, well there's more to teaching then showing somebody how to do something." "Why don't you give the audience some actual advice." "Ok..." "Don't play me." "No I mean something that will actually make them better." "So apparently, Kyle thinks that just watching me and Doug own everybody dosn't, like, teach you guys, aah.." "You know, how to own everybody." "And then maybe if we help you guys, and show you what we do and how we do it then you guys would suck less." "Me and Doug are awesome, like let me tell you right." "But that dosn't mean that you can't like, be a little bit... awesome too." "If.. you.. try to.. imitate what me and Doug do." "So we're gonna kinda go through the basics with you." "Of the stuff that you need to do... uhh.." "to not, like, suck... as much as.. you do... stuff..." "If you are getting tired of the taste of balls, cause your licking um like so much in the games you play you know, you can listen to me and Doug's advice on how to get better." "And the first bit of advice is to kinda, get involved in the community of the game that your trying to get good in." "Cause on the internet there's all these forms for all the games, right." "And then if you kidna read what all these people are figuring out, and then you add it to what you already figured out that's how you get ahead of everybody else." "'Is it cheap if you defend the bomb in S and D and just hang around the objective your supposed to defend?" "'" "*Doug exhales loudly*" "Well I donno!" "Is it cheap in an FPS to maybe shoot the guy in the head?" "!" "I donno." "Is it cheap in an FPS to maybe use your nade?" "!" "Doug!" "Doug." "You forgot to turn the caps lock on... fffffFFFFFFFUUUUCCCKKKK!" "Ohhh.." "Oh this is a good one, this a good one." "'Sniping is a joke with my killcam and spawn points" "So I'm going to join the masters and go camping with my M16.'" "First of all, sniping is for pussies." "Second of all, camping is for pussies." "Which pretty much makes you.. the biggest pussy on the planet." "If a pussy had a pussy.." "that would be you.." "And to be clear here, *clears throat*" "Doug's not saying that he's a pussy that has a pussy, he's saying he IS the pussy's pussy." "How is this a question?" "!" "'Can someone give me tips for getting headshots?" "'" "You know that thing on top of the guy's shoulders?" "That's his head!" "Shoot that!" "Owning noobs is... probably like the most fun that's ever been invented." "But if you really want to get better, you gotta kinda play people that are about your skill level or better then you." "Cause if you just play noobs all the time you're not goinna really learn anything." "You kinda notice me and Doug, we play each other a lot." "That's cause we are both so good, that the only way to get... more good.." "Is to play each other." "But for you guys... you'll probably want to play Kyle." "Or.. your Mom." "Or Kyle's Mom... which is my mom... too..." "Life's going pretty awesome right now, you know it." "Got my best friend back, and..." "I got a job." "You know..." "It makes me money and stuff, and..." "I got Tagi." "You know, she takes care of me you know..." "She loves me..." "Starcraft 2 is coming out." "Really?" "When is Starcraft 2 coming out?" "I donno Kyle." "When It's done, I guess..." "Probably a couple years or somethin, but..." "You know, I was even thinking..." "That that might be a good time to maybe maybe even have like, some nooblets of my own." "Wha, what?" "No um..." "You now." "I got to pass on like, my awesomeness genes at some point, you know." "That makes a good time, right?" "If.." "If my nooblets are born when Starcraft 2 is born, then they can kinda grow up together." "With my training they'll be like the best players in the universe!" "Dude!" "And by that time CoD 6 will be out if we can get them on that!" "Yea!" "Uncle Doug can come over and show um the headshots, right?" "Heashot by two!" "That would be so wicked..." "Ohhh!" "Best id..." "Best idea ever." "Can you imagine if me and Doug had some nooblets?" "Ohh Dude!" "The skills man!" "Oh that'd be so... crazy ownage!" "That would be awesome..." "Guys." "I hate to burst your bubble but I don't think thats genetically possible." "What?" "Well.." "Thats what people said about fire." "Then a couple guys rubbed their sticks together... boom!" "Pshh, there you go!" "A couple guys rubbed their sticks together..." "Thats how it works." "Yea Kyle..." "It gets real hot." "I think you'd know that." "I'm kinda hungry." "Do you want to get some food?" "Dude, I'm starved man." "I'll eat anything." "Man!" "White Pearl!" "DIM SUM!" "Lets do it!" "Oh dude." "What?" "Is that Dave?" "Don't be racist man." "It is Dave." "Its Dave!" "We.. we gotta hide." "Kyle!" "Oh shit!" "Hey Kyle." "Whats up?" "Hey Dave." "Not much..." "Where's Jeremy?" "Uhh..." "He's umm.." "Hey Dave." "What ya doin?" "Not much man." "What's goin on?" "Oh I'm just... shopping..." "For like.. clothes and stuff..." "OK, well I was just about to cut this guy up." "Are you hungry?" "Oh." "No I'm... totally full." "Like uhh.." "But you know, next time your making... uh, Metroid..." "Give me a call." "Like I'll totally eat that." "Its totally not because I think.." "It's gross." "Guys!" "You guys are missing out huge man!" "Huge?" "Uhh.." "We're gonna like, walk now.." "Cause we gotta keep shopping and stuff." "Cool." "I'll just walk with you for a bit man." "Dave..." "There's... there's kinda something like, I've been meaning to talk to you about." "Ok..." "You know how... sometimes like... you feel like one way, for like a long time..." "And then... you kinda find like, you start feeling like a different way, like about stuff..." "You know?" "But sometimes like, in our society like, people get real judgmental.." "Like about this kinda stuff." "You know?" "Like, well I'm just saying like sometimes like," "You know you can be on like one team right?" "We are all on like one team." "But then," "You know, someone decides they are going to go to the other team." "You, you know?" "And, and people might not understand that... too good..." "Ya, you know?" "Oh, its, this is my turn." "I'm gonna go." "I'll cya later." "No, but Dave." "This is kinda important..." "Whoa.." "Dude." "That was close." "I was trying to tell him like, about how we are friends again but.." "He wasn't listening." "So, dim sum?" "Probably just get my own key pretty soon, like..." "In stead of waiting here." "It'll just be faster." "Hey!" "Hey girlfriend." "How were you?" "Pretty good." "Didn't expect to see you." "Yea I know." "I was just in the area, you know." "I thought I'd just stop by play some games, hang out." "Yea, I can't tonight." "I have plans." "Oh..." "Going out?" "Yea." "I'll just go with you." "We can hang out there." "No, no, no." "It's a girl's night out." "We planned it at my graduation and you'd know if you'd been there but" "Oh.. the grad..." "Yea." "No I totally didn't forget, I was just soooo busy." "Yahahah hehehee yayayaya!" "Well I..." "I kinda..." "Ohh no!" "I also forgot..." "I got guy's night out tonight." "Yea.." "No its just the guys so you can't come." "Sorry but..." "Oh." "Yea, I gotta go do that." "I'll probably be late, so..." "Ok." "Well, well have fun with the boys." "Pffft It'lll be so much fun." "Alright." "Bye." "Goodnight." "Hey Doug." "Yea, I was wondering if you wanted to go out." "Like, like side..." "Like, maybe to a bar or something." "Have a beer." "Oh..." "Well I mean I could..." "I could probably bring my laptop but..." "But, no." "I don't think they let you set up your PC." "Yea." "No I understand." "Thats... pretty important." "Ok." "Later." "Hey Dave." "Yea, I was wondering you wanted to go out to a bar tonight." "Maybe get some beer." "Dave?" "Dave?" "Sup T?" "Yea, I was wondering if wanted to like go" "Yea." "No, thats what I was gonna" "Yea I know where that is." "I'll see you there!" "*sung* Oh its guys night out." "Oh it's guy's night out." "Its nothin but the guys." "Nothin but guys." "*grunts to the beat*" "So..." "Nice night." "Drinks..." "Lights..." "Breeze..." "What's the plan?" "Hahaha." "I brought Mario Kart for us man." "Just for you." "Hey, wait wait wait." "Heh..." "Heheh" "I brought some Tetris." "Wannna play some Tetris?" "NO!" "Naw." "Why don't we just do something different." "I don't have a psp..." "No." "What I mean was that we don't have to play video games." "Just different... shit." "You know?" "Check out the girls." "Like scope." "Scope the women." "Scope them." "What are the girls trying to say to us?" "Like what are they sayyingggg." "Well that girl over there, um" "She asked her friend if she wants some food 'cause she's real hungry." "Your probably right because she does look a bit hungry." "And she's got one eyebrow!" "And that girl has a mullet!" "Have you seen the golden girls?" "Oh..." "That guy's pretty funny looking too." "Eww." "Its, its pretty funny." "Thats a girl." "Thats a girl!" "You know what Jeremy man..." "This place sucks... fat... nut sack." "I now a much better place we got to go to man." "The place is called Skanks." "The girls are good to go." "We should go there man." "I mean they're everywhere." "Like they'll be on you." "Like, you don't even got to pay to get in." "The girls are off the chain." "Ok." "Lets go!" "We're goin to Skanks." "*techno music plays*" "*tough to hear but Tbag is telling Jeremy to watch the women*" "Jeremy." "Jeremy!" "Girl's night out?" "Yea, look like you're having fun with all those girls..." "I was just dancing with some guy." "I don't even know who he is." "It was just dancing." "Oh, oh you don't know him!" "She dosn't know him!" "That makes it so much better!" "Yea, well I should have I expected this from a WoW player?" "A WoW player?" "This has nothing to do with Wow." "Why don't you get your head out of the gaming world for like a second!" "Oh and join the real world!" "Oh with the flashy lights and all the loud music." "That I can't even talk." "Oh thats real fun Tagi!" "Thats so much fun!" "It is for me and it is for a lot of people." "Well..." "Apparently you're fun for a lot of people." "What is that supposed to mean?" "It just means..." "You know." "I didn't know my girlfriend was a slut." "Great..." "For dancing with somebody." "I can't do this." "Wait wait wait!" "Whoa, hold on." "You guy's need to both calm down." "*inhales deeply*" "And talk about this tomorrow." "Right Jag?" "Chill Yoooo." "There's nothing to talk about." "It's over." "Yea you... you walk away."