"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪" "What an idiot!" "Of all the lamebrained, moronic dopes." "If ever I wanted to reach right through the phone and strangle somebody." "Not really a morning person, are you, pussycat?" "It's this caterer that I hired for my Save the Wetlands banquet." "He's a week late with the menu, now he tells me that he's going to serve wild duck and crayfish." "They come from the wetlands." "It's like holding a Save the Whales function on a Japanese trawler." "Is there an open bar?" "You know, Ma, that's part of the problem." "Nobody cares." "Do you realize what would happen if there were no swamps?" "New Jersey wouldn't have a state smell." "I'm just in over my head." "What with the banquet, press releases, petitions to be signed." "Ma, what am I gonna do?" "I'll help." "Blanche, that's sweet, but, honey, aren't your hands tied with all the work that you're doing for... you?" "I know I'm not always the first one to volunteer, but I happen to have an affection for bayous." "Matter of fact, I became a woman in one." "I thought you lost it in a hot-air balloon." "I thought you lost it at a pancake breakfast." "Well, those don't count." "I mean, they did at the time, but this is the definitive where-I-lost-my-virginity story." "It's really nice of you to share something so personal with us, Blanche." "In a bayou?" "You slut." "Mail call." "Oh, Rose." "You're here." "That's good." "I am absolutely snowed under with this wetlands thing." "And, as usual, I know I can count on you." "I'm sorry, Dorothy." "What?" "But Rose, you always help out with these things." "You're involved in all the charities." "You send a contribution to Save the Rich." "I have charity-work burn-out, Dorothy." "In the last three months I have helped with raffles and bake sales and car washes." "I have to draw the line." "Well, I guess I'll manage somehow." "What is it, Rose?" "Is something wrong?" "I'm not sure." "St. Luke's hospital wants me to come in for some kind of test." "That's where I had my gallbladder out six years ago." "Can I see it, Rose?" "They throw organs out after surgery." "The letter, Rose." "Oh." "Hm." "Seems you had a transfusion while you were there." "The hospital thinks the blood may have contained HIV antibodies." "HI..." "V?" "Wait a minute." "You're talking about AIDS." "This has to be some kind of mistake." "Don't panic." "There's just a possibility." "This is a precaution." "Well, what do I do?" "We just call up the hospital and make an appointment." "Everything will be fine." "You think so?" "Why, I'm sure of it." "Now, let's plan Dorothy's fundraiser." "Hey, I know what would be fun." "Uh, Blanche, we're gonna try to raise all the money in one night." "I know." "Yes, but this is a very important" "Yes." "Yes, I understand." "I understand." "Oh, boy." "Some people." "What's wrong, Blanche?" "Nobody gives a damn about this Save the Wetlands thing." "I sat in our booth of ours at the mall for three hours." "Not one soul came by and asked for information." "What we need is some kind of swamp gimmick, like..." ""Guess how many leeches are in the jar."" "I don't think so, Blanche." "All right, then." "How about a celebrity auction?" "Hey, if you could buy a celebrity at an auction," "I'd be showering every morning with Trini López." "Ma, I didn't know you liked Trini López." "I don't, but who can I afford on a fixed income?" "You don't understand, Sophia." "A celebrity auction is where famous people donate personal items to bid on for charities." "That's a great idea, Blanche, but it's a little late." "I mean, how are we gonna find celebrities to donate stuff and donate it fast?" "I can pull some strings." "It so happens I know some famous people." "Who?" "I don't want to divulge his name, but..." "I'll give you a clue." "I know what the F stands for in William F. Buckley." "Does someone want to drive me to the hospital?" "Your appointment's not for three hours." "Well, I'd like to get there early." "But if you don't want to take me, I'll go without you." "I might as well get used to being by myself." "What does that mean?" "Well, come on." "If that test turns out positive, you won't want to be around me." "You or Miles or anybody." "Now, that is not true." "And I'm sure Miles will feel the same way." "How am I gonna tell him?" "You don't have to tell him anything now." "You're just going for a test." "It's not just a test, Dorothy." "I know just how you feel." "I remember how nervous and scared and panicked I was when I went to that neurologist to have my memory tested." "How did you handle it?" "Well, usually, I add a cup of bleach." "Can I help you?" "I think so." "I have a two-o'clock appointment for an AIDS blood test." "My name is..." "Well, it's..." "You know, we encourage anonymity, so if you'd like to give us a fictitious name for our files." "Oh, that'd be great." "Dorothy Zbornak." "Fine." "We'll call you in." "You'll be seeing a counselor and then the doctor." "Meanwhile, just take a seat, Ms..." "Zbornak." "Dorothy Zbornak." "Z-b-o-- Let's go, Dorothy." "Boy, this is creepy." "I mean, fake names." "Well, honey, it make sense." "People who test positive have trouble getting insurance, jobs." "It's terrible." "The whole process is terrible." "I wish it were over." "It will be soon." "I haven't been this scared since 1952, when St. Olaf's most active volcano threatened to erupt." "Luckily, there were some Druid priests who were in town for the opening of Stonehengeland." "They said they could stop it if they could sacrifice the town's dumbest virgin." "I don't know why I raised my hand." "It must have just been the excitement of the moment." "But they said the only way to prevent the eruption was for me to crawl through their legs, up the volcano, while they gave me my birthday whacks." "Well - and you're not gonna believe this - it turns out they weren't Druid priests at all." "Just a bunch of Shriners looking for a good time." "That's a scary story, Rose." "Why don't they call me?" "I want to get this over and go home." "Rose." "Come here, honey." "Come here." "We need to talk." "What, Blanche?" "This is the kind of thing I tend to keep to myself, but I want you to know." "I got tested too, so I know what you're going through." "What did you do?" "Well, I just had the test, and then I had a nice long talk with myself about being with so many men, and now when I'm with a man," "I know his complete history and... we take all the necessary precautions." "I just wanted you to know" "I understand this is not an easy time." "Thank you, Blanche." "Mrs. Zbornak." "Dorothy Zbornak?" "Rose." "Well, this is it." "All right, darling, come on." "I'll go with you." "Dorothy." "Ma!" "Where have you been?" "I always think it's nice when you're in a hospital to walk around and cheer people up." "Ah." "That's nice, Ma." "So after I had my prescription filled," "I went to up to Geriatrics and sang" ""Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better."" "Ma." "What a tough crowd." "They threw Jell-O at me." "If you could call that throwing." "What are you reading?" "This pamphlet on AIDS and teenagers." "It's really so discouraging." "Parents don't talk to their kids about sex." "This is so important you'd think they'd get past their embarrassment." "Thank God I was one of those progressive parents." "I was amazed at how you used those technical terms." "You told me never to let a boy touch me "you know where."" "And you spelled "where."" "Maybe I used to be old-fashioned, but times have changed." "So when I was at the pharmacy I bought you some condoms." "Your boyfriends are supposed to put them you know w-h-e-r-e." "Rose, I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better." "Say I'm OK." "You know, we always tend to think the worst so that when the news does finally come, it's never as bad as we thought it was gonna be." "Well?" "Well... the good news is you appear to be in fine physical shape." "Do you have any more questions?" "Of course." "Do I have it?" "We'll have the results when you come back in three days." "Three days?" "What are you talking about?" "I expect when I go to a hospital for an AIDS test to find out." "I'm sorry." "I wish it was faster, but it takes us that long to be sure." "I thought you knew." "Well, I didn't know." "First you give me that transfusion, and now you tell me this." "Honey, I guess there's really not much you can do." "Well, sure there is." "There's plenty I can do." "Like, sit around the house for the next 72 hours, scared to death he's gonna tell me" "I have something that's gonna kill me." "How am I gonna do that, Blanche?" "How am I gonna get through the next three days?" "Thank you." "What do you mean, you're canceling?" "Is there anything I can say to change your mind?" "I understand." "Yeah." "Goodbye." "Swell." "Now I don't have a band for the banquet." "What happened?" "They decided to play at the Free Noriega benefit." "Hi, girls." "Rose, what were you doing out so early this morning?" "I couldn't sleep so I went for a spin last night." "To Alabama." "Blanche, do you know at a truck stop in Tuscaloosa they have an egg dish named after you." "Really?" "How are they prepared?" "Overeasy." "Rose, are you OK?" "I'm fine." "Never better." "In fact, I'm so fine that I've decided not to even get my results." "Oh, now, Rose-- Oh!" "Look at all this stuff for the celebrity auction." "Linda Evans' compact." "Now, look, Rose" "What about the dress Jamie Farr promised us from M*A S*H?" "It hasn't come yet." "But he promised." "Honey, we have a lot of other stuff." "It's OK." "No, it's not." "He let you down." "Well, I'm not surprised." "You couldn't trust Klinger on guard duty, you can't trust him now." "Rose, take it easy." "Oh, I'm the one who's supposed to take it easy?" "Me?" "When the Klingers of the world are kicking us in the teeth." "Rose, you're hysterical." "Wait, I've seen this in the movies." "How could he do this?" "What is wrong with the man?" "Ma, you almost got it." "Listen, I think we're all under a little stress here." "Now, I have an idea." "How about lunch and a movie?" "My treat." "Why not?" "I still have another 52 hours to kill." "Oh, this is rough." "I feel terrible." "Yeah, I really feel guilty." "Jamie Farr's dress did come." "I just remembered where I put it." "Where?" "How do I look?" "Ma, what were you doing in my bathroom for two hours?" "The hokey-pokey." "What do you think I was doing?" "Why were you using my bathroom?" "There's something wrong with mine." "What?" "Rose used it." "Ma, that is just ignorant paranoia." "Hey, I'm making progress." "Yesterday I used the bathroom down at the Shell station." "It's attitudes like that that add to the panic about this." "Now, what is wrong with you?" "Hey, one little slip and you're all over my back." "It won't happen again." "Relax." "Why is there an R on some of our coffee cups?" "Uh, R for "Regular." Blank ones are decaf." "I don't believe you." "Look." "I know intellectually there's no way I can catch it." "But now that it's so close to home, it's scary." "Well, Sophia, I'm afraid you're just gonna have to get over that." "I'll try." "I'll try." "I'm usually not like this." "I've been using your toothbrush for months." "Hi, Rose." "What's going on?" "Oh, I'm just sitting here kicking myself for not taking care of my gallbladder." "For going to that hospital for the operation, and for letting them give me blood without asking first:" ""Oh, excuse me, are you sure this isn't gonna kill me one day?"" "Now, now, Rose." "Take it easy." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "I don't feel like taking it easy." "I might have AIDS, and it scares the hell out of me." "Yet every time I open my mouth to talk about it, somebody says, "There, there, Rose." "Take it easy."" "I'm sorry, honey." "Why me, Blanche?" "I'm tired of pretending I feel OK so you won't say "Take it easy."" "And I'm tired of you saying "Take it easy"" "'cause you're afraid I'm gonna fall apart." "Dammit." "Why is this happening to me?" "I mean... this isn't supposed to happen to people like me." "You must have gone to bed with hundreds of men." "All I had was one innocent operation." "Hey!" "Wait a minute." "Are you saying this should be me and not you?" "No." "No, I'm just saying that I am a good person." "Hell, I'm a goody two shoes." "AIDS is not a bad person's disease, Rose." "It is not God punishing people for their sins." "You're right, Blanche." "You're damn straight I'm right." "I'm sorry I yelled at you." "Don't apologize." "This is what I want." "Oh, God." "This waiting is driving me crazy." "Blanche, when you were tested, how did you make it through?" "Just kept it to myself and acted like a real bitch to everybody else." "No wonder we never knew." "These three days are killing Rose." "What she needs from us are calm heads." "Then that's what she'll get." "Oh, God." "You gave me an R cup!" "Ma, will you stop that?" "Here." "Listen, we are the only family Rose has here, so we have to help her through whatever she's going through." "Right." "Sure." "So, here's to Rose." "Whatever happens, whatever those tests show, we're here for her." "Dorothy, gimme that." "Oh, Rose, excuse me." "I didn't know you were out here." "It's OK, Dorothy." "I was just praying." "Trying to put in a good word for tomorrow." "What are you doing?" "Oh, just working on this stupid flier for my stupid banquet." "It's not important." "Sure it is." "It's OK, Rose." "No, it is important." "What's the matter?" "I've rewritten this thing three times, and the most persuasive slogan I can come up with is:" ""Save our swamps." "No, really, we mean it."" "I like it." "No, you don't." "No, I don't." "It sounds like I'm selling mosquitoes, Rose." "Not that they don't serve a purpose." "All life is precious." "I care about our wetlands." "I just wish they were more glamorous, you know?" "I mean, I'm trying to save something that you can't go into without wearing hip boots." "Well, some people might chuckle, but I think what you're doing is important." "I mean, people laughed at me back in St. Olaf when I spearheaded the drive to get our very own missile silo." "Oh, sure, some gloomy Gusses muttered about the plutonium thing." "But I figured if we could make our sleepy little hamlet into a first-strike target, it would help tourism." "You know, it sounds like we both have a little trouble with groups." "Maybe so." "You know that, in school, I actually joined the math club so I could meet guys." "Really." "Oh, I can beat that." "I joined the Four-H Club to be hip." "The Aldo Ray fan club." "I can beat that too." "What?" "No, I can't." "That's pretty bad." "That felt good." "It's been a bad week." "It'll get better." "It's weird." "I wanted those three days over, and now that they are," "I kinda feel I'd like some of it back." "I mean, any second, that door is gonna open, and that doctor is gonna tell me my future." "Your future's gonna be filled with nothing but joy and laughter." "Thank you, Sophia." "Don't thank me, thank The Miami Herald." "It's your horoscope." "Good morning, ladies." "Good morning." "I hope you don't mind." "These are my friends." "Not at all." "Your test results were fine, Mrs. Zbornak." "Oh, that's great!" "Well, sure, that's great for you, Dorothy, but what about me?" "Rose." "Rose, you used my name." "You remember?" "Right!" "Well, then, I'm fine too." "I'm fine!" "Oh, thank you, God." "I wish you'd told me on the phone." "The last couple of hours were the hardest." "I know." "But even people who test negative often need more counseling." "Oh, I feel wonderful." "I feel great!" "Well, evidently, you had all the emotional support you needed." "I know what you've been through." "I'm very happy things turned out." "Thank you, Doctor." "Hey!" "Oh!" "Oh, he's right." "You guys were terrific." "Thank you for being there for me." "And thank you for making me feel you'd always be there for me, no matter what happened." "Bet you'd like to go home and rest." "No!" "I haven't felt like I've been living for the last three days." "I want to go with you to the fundraiser." "Great!" "It's going to be a success." "Ma must have stuffed and mailed over 500 invitations." ""Stuffed"?"