"(Crow caws)" "Frankie:" "Summer's coming, and that means one thing" "Time to kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labour with three months of stress-free living." "If you think you're laying around all summer, you got another think coming." "You're getting a job." "My mom said the exact same thing, which is kind of why I came over here." "I thought you were gonna lifeguard at the pool again." "Dude, that job sucked." "My boss was always on me." ""That chair's not for sleeping." "Stop hitting on girls and save that kid."" "(Scoffs)" "My boss sucked, too." ""Stop eating all the bologna samples." "Don't make boobs with the produce."" "Yeah, mine was all, "thanks for your great work." "We need a photo for your 'employee of the month' plaque."" "(Scoffs)" "Hey, I got an idea" " This summer, why don't we ditch our bosses and just start our own business?" "But who'd be the boss?" "I vote all of us." "Nice!" "Three-way co-bosses!" "Boom!" "(Chuckles)" "Jobs." "I'm not kidding." "(Speaks indistinctly in mocking voice)" "Aw, look, Mike." "We got a wedding invitation." "(Mouth full)" "We know anybody in love?" "Uh, it's your brother." "Rusty?" "Get out of here." "Rusty's not getting married." "Well, this says he is." "Hey, you never told me his real name was Orville." "Oh, yeah." "I think I heard that in court once." "Thought it was odd." ""Marlene Ludlow"?" "Who the hell's Marlene Ludlow?" "I don't know." "Well, how long have they been dating?" "I don't know." "Well, how'd they meet?" "I don't know." "Honestly, I don't get your family." "You don't know each other's names, you don't know when you're getting married..." "Next weekend?" "Your brother's getting married next weekend, and we didn't even know he was dating anyone." "Learn to share." "Look, we're not showboaters..." "But yeah, that's definitely weird." "Uh, Mike, did you see where he's having it?" "Oh, no." "I'm not driving out of state." "Won't even have to drive out of the garage." "Our house, Mike." "It says he's having the wedding at our house." "What?" "Yeah, look, that's our address." "That's where we live, right?" "Are you sure you didn't know about this?" "Yeah, Frankie, I was just keeping it a secret so I could surprise you." "Surprise." "Mike, we can't have a wedding at this house." "I'm too ashamed to even open the door for the UPS guy." "You've gotta talk to him." "Relax." "I will." "Seriously, who Springs a wedding on someone at their house without even telling them?" "Orville." "(Sighs)" "You're getting married." "Oh." "Well, when you know, you know." ""When you know" what, "you know" what?" "Rusty getting married." "Oh, yeah?" "Does that mean I can get my tire room back?" "So you didn't know either?" "Well, it's not really my business." "Ah." "I don't want to pry." "So you're getting hitched, huh?" "Any toaster on the second floor is yours." "You see that, Mike?" "That's the way you congratulate a guy." "Don't tell me how to do things." "You didn't even ask me if you could have your wedding at my house." "I had to find out through the mail." "Are you sure I didn't ask you?" "Who-- who was I talking to about it, then?" "Oh, I know." "It was the guy from the liquor store." "Yeah." "His name's Mike, also, or Spike." "Anyways..." "Rusty, you're not having your wedding at my house." "Come on, man." "That's what families are for-- houses, kidneys." "You didn't even show up at my wedding." "It wasn't at my house." "You know, listen." "Once old junkyard Joe kicks it under a pile of newspapers, we're only gonna have each other." "You know?" "I mean, you're my brother, Mike." "You're my best man." "Yeah, y-you're the best man I know." "(Thud)" "How'd it go?" " Well..." " Oh, you did not." "What can I say, Frankie?" "You do for family." "Oh, now you do for family?" "You never want to do for family when you have to miss a football game to go visit my sister, but all of a sudden, you're captain do-for-family?" "Do what for family?" "Uh, having Uncle Rusty's wedding here on Saturday." "(Gasps)" "The wedding is happening at our house?" "Aah!" "See?" "Even Sue can see it's ridiculous." "And-- and what do you plan on feeding 'em?" "Huh?" "And how many people are even coming?" "You don't know." "I don't know." "Look, don't make a big deal." "It's Rusty." "(Sighs)" "Just nuke some pizza rolls and be done." "Oh, right, and let's not even have plates." "People can just stand around in the yard and graze like cows." "Don't worry, mom." "As the newest Heck woman, I can help." "I'll go get my wedding notebook from when I thought me and Matt were gonna get married." "Uncle Rusty is getting married here on Saturday." "Cool." "Take lots of pictures for me." "Yeah." "Why?" "Where you gonna be?" "I have a previous commitment to an end-of-school party for which I have already RSVP'd "yes."" "You want to go to a party?" "With people?" "You?" "It's at Hayley's." "Oh." "The biter." "Oh." "Well, sorry, buddy, but you can't go." "What?" "But it's been on the books for weeks." "And let's be honest" " I don't make a lot of demands, socially." "Mike, you really think this dump is fit for a wedding?" "It's Rusty." "The man lived in a tent for two years." "Then no reason he can't have his wedding in said tent." "Small, intimate... sans me." "Look, we'll just do the bare minimum, like always." "The bare minimum's for our private lives, Mike." "We can't let others see how we really live." "It's embarrassing." "Look, I don't like this, either, but you, of all people, should get this." "You're the one who's always saying you do for family." "I meant my family." "Good afternoon." "We're the bosses of Boss Co., and we're here to inform you we've recently begun services in your area." "Okay." "What do you do?" "Uh, let me ask you a question." "What do you need done?" "And we'll do that." "That's actually our motto." "And with Boss Co., you don't get any employees-- just bosses, bringing the savings to you, the customer." "I'll give you $100 to remove that stump." "(Scoffs)" "I'm sorry." "I thought you said, $100." "I did." "(Lowered voice)" "Ohh." "Hi, Hayley." "I wanted to talk to you about your party." "Oh, yeah." "I'm really glad you'll be there, Brick." "The bouncy house starts at 4:00, then the ice cream sundaes, then from 5:00 to 7:00, we're having a bookmobile." "I am not coming to the wedding." "I will not be having the beef or the fish." "You're coming, and it's hilarious you think there's a choice of food." "It's gonna be pinwheels from the Frugal Hoosier." "But there's gonna be a bookmobile." "I don't think you get this." "I'll be moving with books." "Sorry, Brick-- your weird Uncle's getting married, and you gotta be there." "That's the last word." "Fine, then this will be my last word, because I'm never speaking to either of you ever again." "Farewell." "Actually, that's not a very good last word." ""Farewell" has been a lot of people's last word, but it will not be mine." "I'm gonna go think of a more haunting last word and then say it to you." "Until then, good day..." "Which is not my last word." "Mom?" "What are you doing?" ""What am I doing"?" "There's 50 people coming here, Sue-- 50 people." "That's a hundred eyes judging us." "99 if you count Uncle Burt." "Well, not to worry." "I know we're in crunch mode, so I called in the cavalry." "(Door closes)" "Hi, Mrs. Heck." "I just have one question-- what is your flower budget?" "Whatever we can steal from the park without getting caught." "(Whistling)" "Axl?" "!" "Axl!" "(Objects clatter)" "I need you to get your crap out of here so I can see the underneath crap I'm dealing with." "Oh, my God." "Everything looks a thousand times worse from up here." "Mom." "Brad has so many great wedding ideas for a boy." "Wow." "I'll bet he does." "You know, if you really want to help, that stupid porch light has been out for five years, so go buy me a new light bulb." "And I just flung a fly-covered sponge over, and I think it landed on Brick's sandwich." "Can you get that for me?" "Okay, but that's not very wedding-y." "Fine." "You can also pick up the cake." "Aah!" "We scored cake duty?" "!" "Aah!" "The sweetest of duties." "When's it ready?" "What time should we pick it up?" "I don't know, Sue!" "You're supposed to be helping!" "Just figure it out!" "Ew!" "Who put a band-aid on here?" "!" "(Gasps)" "(Glass shatters)" "(Sighs)" "Oh, right." "(Sighs)" "All right!" "Let's grip it, rip it, and lunch it!" "Hah!" "(Crack)" "(Grunts)" "Oh!" "Okay." "Wait, I got it." "Boss train!" "I get behind Darrin." "Sean, you get behind me." "On three, we pull!" "One, two, three!" "(All grunt)" "Come on, boss train!" "We can do it!" "D'oh!" "I think it moved." "No, that was my shoulder popping out." "Oh." "Ooh." "Okay." "Uh, on three..." "Push Darrin's shoulder back in." "One, two, three." "(All grunt)" "D'oh!" "(Grunts)" "So with only two days left till the big day, it was time for Rusty's bachelor party..." "While I was in the kitchen, getting to know the blushing bride." "So hi, sister-in-law." "(Laughs)" "(Clink)" "Oh, and just so you know, by Saturday, this will all look so much better." "Oh... (Scoffs)" "Thanks for doing this." " I mean, we were this close to going to Vegas, so..." " Really?" "That close?" "Yeah." "Oh." "So... how'd you meet Rusty?" "(Chuckles)" "Oh, well, uh, he drove through my tollbooth one day, short a quarter, so I loaned him one." "Then the next week, he borrowed another one." "Then the next week and the next week." "Then he took me out for a beer, I slept with him, he passed out, and I got my dollar back." "Oh." "So you got a dress?" "Oh, I'm just gonna wear the one from my first wedding." "I didn't like number two, and three was just a bikini, so... oh, wow." "You got married on the beach?" "No." "You guys need anything?" "(Tv playing indistinctly)" "Hey." "Look at us, huh?" "Three dads." ""Dads"?" "Oh." " She's..." " No!" "Shame on you." "We're not even married yet." "No, no." "She has, uh, a couple of teenagers." "I didn't do it." "Another guy did it." "Actually, two other guys." "(Raises voice)" "Hey." "Hey, dad." "You're gonna be a grandpa." "I'm already a grandpa." "(Chuckles)" "Well, you know what I mean." "Nobody knows what you mean." "Look, Rusty... having teenagers-- It's a lot to take on." "Really?" "Well, the boy's an All-Star basketball player, and the girl's a straight-"A" student, so I think I'm doing something right." "Oh, yeah?" "What are their names?" "Well, I'm not quite sure, but I do know that one is all white, and one is pretty much white." "Well, I've decided on my last word, and that word is... "Pusillanimous."" "(Whispers) Last word." "Shoot." "Aah!" "(Grunts)" "(Grunting)" "(Grunts)" "Gotcha." "I wonder if Marlene has any idea what kind of a moron she's marrying." "Well, she's a bit of an odd-y herself." "I feel like we should warn one of 'em, but I don't know which." "You should just have heard Rusty going on like he's dad of the year or something." "Well, it's Rusty." "Nothing he says or does makes any sense." "Why is this bugging you so much?" "'Cause I've been a dad for 17 years, and he's been one for what?" "11 days?" "And he acts like we're the same." "He's got no idea." "Being a dad takes hard work and patience... yeah, yeah." "Last word." "Go to bed." "I mean, if he thinks raising kids is easy, he's in for a real shocker." "Wait a second." "Did you plant any doubt in his mind?" "You better not have, 'cause I just spent all day covering the cracks in the ceiling with Wite-Out, so this wedding better be happening." "Relax." "It's happening." "Frankie, I told you not to go crazy with this thing." "Why are you going crazy?" "Because I just..." "I just want our house to look nice." "I mean, I look around, and it's just... scary." "The way it creeps up on you, bit by bit, and year by year, everything around you just crumbling, and you see those pictures in the magazine, and their homes look so nice, and you think, "ooh, maybe I'll put a vintage green bowl of fruit" "on the kitchen table, like Goldie Hawn," and you try it, and you know what?" "You realize your fruit is never gonna look like Goldie Hawn's fruit." "I'm never gonna have Goldie Hawn's fruit, Mike!" "Never!" "And... that's just my life!" "Frankie, you just need to sleep." "You're right." "I know." "No more being nuts, okay?" "Okay." "Thank you." "I think this might be a bigger job than mom thought." "Keep peeling!" "The wedding's tomorrow!" "Yeah, enough for a medium-sized dining room." "Two weeks?" "For any wallpaper?" "But you're wallpaper world!" "Well, not much of a world, are you?" "Hello?" "Ah!" "I think got the hang of this!" "Stop peeling." "We gotta put it all back up." "What made you think you could repaper an entire room in one day?" "What made you think we could throw a wedding in one week?" "!" "Mom, it's gonna be totally fine." "David Tutera of "My Fair Wedding" does this all the time." "Well, where is he?" "We still have everything to do" " Put out the chairs, decorate the mailbox..." "Did you get the new light bulb for the patio?" "Oh." "I meant to ask you-- do you want the regular kind, or the squiggly pigtail energy-saver kind?" " And they come in different colors-- Pink, yellow..." " I don't know, Sue." "I can't hold your hand on every decision." "Figure it out." "Oh, and, Mike." "I heard something else drop into the pool last night." "Seriously, how many squirrels have to die before we get a cover?" "More..." "little more..." "little more..." "Eh, just dump the whole thing." "(Match sizzles)" "(Boom)" "So the big day had arrived, and things were finally under control." "Are you sure this is a wedding cake?" "Yeah." "And this serves 50 to 60 people?" "Depends on how you slice it." "It's just" " I'm pretty sure my mom never would have ordered a hamburger cake." "On any other day, I'm sure she would find this hilarious, but we have a wedding in four hours." "You gotta make me a new one." "Sorry." "Baker's out today." "Oh, my God, Sue." "This is a disaster." "We gotta call your mom." "No, we don't, Brad." "WWDTD?" ""What would David Tutera do"?" "Exactly." "He'd figure it out." "We're down 20 bucks for shovels, 60 bucks for axes, and 30 bucks in gas and burn cream." "We gotta get this thing out just to break even." "Don't forget the 15 bucks for t-shirts, which were Sean's stupid idea." "Better than your stupid frisbee idea." "Frisbees are whimsical and would get our message out to the college community!" "Dudes!" "Listen to us!" "We're turning into the very bosses we hate." "Axl's right." "Sorry, Darrin." "(Sighs)" "Let's all bring it in for a boss hug." "With less than an hour till the wedding, all that was left were a few tiny details." "Did you put the chairs out?" "I put out the chairs." "Four rows of five, or five rows of four?" "Oh, my God!" "The ice!" "The ice!" "I got the ice, Frankie." "The chairs, the table, the ice" " It's all out there." "Okay, I'll give you one last chance to avoid the last word, because you do not want the last word." "It will go through you like a permanent pain arrow." " Brick, you're not going to the party, and" " What if I get a ride back?" " What if I take a piece" " Brick, enough!" "(Pants)" " Wrong cake... hamburger..." " What if" " What if I skip the ceremony..." "Guy was like, "I'm so sorry,"" "and I was like, "no, no, no."" "And make it back for the reception?" "Baker gone" " Three different stores " " Hungarian bakery" " Plain cake..." "Picked flowers" " Decorated ourselves" " Figured it out!" "Whew!" "Isn't it pretty?" "Where's the light bulb?" "Hamburger." "Sue, I've been telling you all week-- Light bulb, light bulb, light bulb!" "Fine!" "(Sighs)" "Psycho." "Hey." "Don't talk to your mom that way." " But she doesn't even care about" " And don't talk back to me." "(Sobbing)" "You happy?" "!" "Now you made her cry!" "I was defending you!" ""Psycho"" " Now that's a last word." "All right." "Gun it!" "(Engine revs, tires screech)" "If I got you your light bulb, then can I go to the party?" "Damn it, Brick, I don't have time for this!" "People are gonna be here any second!" "Hi." "(Door closes)" "Am I early?" "Wow." "Your wallpaper's sagging." "(Engine revs, tires screech)" "More, ax!" "Frankie, stop." "We're out of time." "Darrin:" "Go, go, go!" "(Tires screech)" "It's fine!" "Everything is fine." "Aah!" "(Tires screech, crash)" "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the presence of God and these witnesses, to join together Orville Rusty Heck and Marlene Kiki Ludlow in holy matrimony." "...so remember, marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning." "(Laughter)" "Now how about a few words from the groom?" "Uh, thanks." "Now the groom's father?" "Ditto." "And finally, the groom's brother and best man, Mike." "Same here." "(Scattered applause)" "You know, uh..." "I do actually have..." "Something to say." "Um, growing up as, uh, Rusty's big brother, I was always having to teach him things that I learned before him-- how to tie a fishing fly, how to to slide belly-first into home plate..." "Anyway, the other day, when he said that he was now gonna be part of a family, I figured, well, maybe..." "There's a thing or two I could tell him about that." "'Cause see, Rusty, family..." "(Clears throat)" "Isn't easy." "Kids think they don't get to do what they want, but the truth is parents don't get to do what they want, either." "Parents gotta drive kids around and help 'em with their homework after a long day at work." "You think we like doing that?" "But that's family" " A bunch of people not doing what they want." "I'm--I'm--I'm getting there." "See... (Sighs)" "You're gonna piss each other off." "You're gonna say horrible things, you're gonna make each other cry, 'cause there's no one in the world that'll make you more miserable than your family will." "(Indistinct conversations)" "I'm getting there." "See, I don't even get to give the toast I want." "(Laughter)" "My point is, we're all gonna die, and we're all gonna have a gravestone with a dash on it-- "1942 dash 2016,"" ""1963 dash 2038"" " And that dash represents your life, and the thing I know for sure is, 'cause of these four people right here, my family..." "(Clears throat)" "Is that that dash will have meant something... and, Rusty, I wish that for you, too." "That's it." "I told you I was getting there." "(Stevie Wonder's "For Once In My Life" playing)" "♪ For once in my life ♪" "♪ I have someone who needs me ♪" "♪ someone I've needed so long ♪" "♪ for once, unafraid ♪" "♪ I can go where life leads me ♪" "♪ somehow I know I'll be strong ♪" "You know, for all our house has been through this year, I think it looks pretty great tonight." "It's a good house." "♪ Ohh, someone warm like you ♪" "Here's the thing-- Family is like a stump." "Sometimes it's an eyesore, sometimes it drives you nuts, but when you really get in there-- All those tangled roots going back years and years-- you can try cutting it, burning it, even ripping it out with chains, but if it's a strong" "stump, it's not going anywhere."