"[###]" "Here's to the one-year anniversary ofyou running out on our wedding." "At least we're finally using the free honeymoon suite." "Not exactly the way I thought we'd be using it." "Hey, guys." "Get some shrimp." "Happy anniversary." "Happy anniversary." "Happy anniversary." "I'm glad you could be here to commemorate the worst day of my life." "I thought the worst was when you didn't get on-stage at that Spin Doctors concert." "Or when your mom taught our sex-ed class." "What about the day we made you stop wearing your visor upside down?" "I thought the worst was the day you got that haircut you have right now." "Remember that time when I got my shirt caught--?" "Wait a minute." "Why am I participating in this?" "Who wants an oyster?" "Me." "No, none for me." "I am extremely allergic to shellfish." "Ah, yeah, she gets all pukey and twitchy, and I then gotta take care of her all night, which I find very rewarding." "Wait, wait, keep them away from Dave also, he's super allergic." "Yeah, super allergic." "Why didn't you get these pre-shucked?" "This is so much work." "Penny, you're sweet, but so, so dumb." "You wanna eat your oysters as soon as they've been shucked." "That's true." "Now, when shucking an oyster, you wanna make sure you get in there." "These oysters are from the northern part of Or" "[BRAD screaming]" "You stabbed me, dude." "ALEX:" "Oh, my God." "I stabbed you, dude!" "You stabbed me, dude!" "I stabbed you, dude." "Guys." "Guys." "MAX:" "Oh, my God." "What do I do?" "Get my EpiPen." "It's in my purse." "Okay." "JANE:" "On the chair." "Get this knife out of me!" "MAX:" "Okay, wait, wait, wait." "I got it." "I got it." "JANE:" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "I got it, what do I do?" "Dave, you can't touch shellfish either." "Oh, right." "What do I do?" "I only have one shot!" "Throat's closing." "PENNY:" "Oh, my God." "What do I do?" "!" "All right, I'm not allergic to shellfish." "What?" "Oh, God, here comes the pukes." "ALEX:" "Why'd you lie?" "When you do it, it makes me..." "ALEX:" "What do I do?" "I can't hear the sound." "Okay, everybody chill." "[###]" "Should we order a movie?" "Lincoln Lawyer." "I love these opening credits." "[###]" "[###]" "[###]" "Ladies and gays, welcome to my new home." "Excuse me, but Max is the only gay aqui." "I don't know, a lot of people think you're on the low." "Hm?" "This is surprisingly nice." "Agreed." "Yeah." "It's two bedrooms, two and a half baths, ltalian-marble countertops." "In a word, amazing." "Again?" "Just gonna ride that into the ground." "It's always been my dream to be a homeowner." "Why do I have to wait to get married to buy my first place?" "We are so proud ofyou." "This is gonna be the year of Penny." "Who wants to twirl with me?" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "[BRAD GlGGLlNG]" "Whoo!" "Ha, ha!" "Hooray!" "What?" "Oh, now a brother can't twirl?" "You psyched for movie night?" "I got all the best black-and-white classics." "I got Lethal Weapon, Trading Places, Beverly Hills Cop." "Ah." "Beverly Hills Cop is black and white and white." "What about Men In Black?" "That's black and white in black." "Erin Brockovich?" "That's just white as hell." "Royal Tenenbaums?" "Come on, that's white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, black, brown and white." "Damn, trick." "I'm not gonna make it to movie night, I gotta work late." "This is the third time you bailed on me in two weeks." "We never hang out anymore." "It's just getting crazy over there." "Is this because I stabbed you?" "I said I was sorry." "You did not say you were sorry." "I did say-- No, you said, "Comme ci, comme ca." "That was cool how it went in your leg." "I thought there'd be more blood."" "That's my version of an apology, and it's pretty heartfelt." "Come on, let's hang out." "Come on, I don't do well when I'm alone." "[###]" "So how's Penny's new place?" "Oh, it's awesome, but you're probably allergic to it." "I only lied to you because I didn't have the heart to tell you your jambalaya is the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted." "No offense." "Offense." "Guys, every couple has little lies they tell each other." "Not Brad and me, we're perfect-- Last year Brad bought a motorcycle, crashed it, and then sold the parts to his cousin Randall." "Pfft!" "I knew that." "I mean, he is a wild hog." "Anyway, you two have a chance to start over as friends." "So why don't you just clean the slate and just be honest with each other?" "I guess we could try." "Trust me, you will feel better." "Okay." "I never really liked your goatee." "Oh." "Didn't-- Was not really aware of that." "Um, okay, I don't really love your favorite perfume." "I hate your mom." "Oh, ho-ho-ho!" "I think that's a good start for today." "No, no, no." "She wants to play, I can play." "All right." "I'm not really afraid of dogs." "I was just afraid ofwhat would happen to a dog ifyou owned one." "[SCOFFS]" "Okay." "You know those stupid webbed barefoot-running socks?" "They weren't bad for your calves, they were bad for my ability to wanna have sex with you." "Oh!" "[ALL laughing]" "Okay." "Richard Gere is not a Hurricane Katrina denier." "What?" "I said that so we didn't have to watch Pretty Woman for the 74th time." "Know your friend Glazer?" "He didn't steal my bra and sell it on Craigslist." "I just couldn't spend another Sunday watching you two play frolf." "Frolf?" "ALEX  DAVE:" "Frisbee golf." "You know that thing under your mantel that I told you was a tiny brick closet?" "It's a working fireplace." "I was afraid you were gonna burn the building down." "I hated that song you wrote for me." ""Love to the Power of Love"?" "You said it made you cry." "It was 12 minutes long." "Oh, and terrible." "You wanna know terrible?" "Yeah." "That stupid hula hoop dance you do." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "This one where I take the hula hoop, put it on and do this?" "And I shake it, shake it." "Still terrible." "Bring it up." "On the neck." "Look, I take it to the neck." "Hey, let's hoop it on down." "You don't like this?" "You don't like this?" "Wow, that was healthy." "God, now that you guys aren't together, you are able to sing your songs and hoop around and watch your Gere movies and play your frolf." "I mean, phew!" "You feel great?" "I feel great." "I might get bangs." "No, I'm not gonna do that." "Jane, you crazy." "I'm gonna go back to work." "Go to work." "Ahem." "Thanks for helping me pick out this lamp, Jeremy." "Thanks for your number." "Thanks for asking." "I'd say this afternoon has been illuminating." "We're gonna quit while you're behind." "It's a lamp." "See?" "Year of Penny is firing on all cylinders." "I buy a condo to prove I don't need a guy to get on with my life, boom," "I meet a guy I wouldn't have met if I hadn't bought a condo." "We get it, you have a condo." "It's a pretty big deal." "What the hell?" "What?" "Brad said he was gonna be working late." "So?" "So ifthat's work," "I should be considered one of Chicago Business Weekly's top 30 under 30." "He's just hanging with some guys." "Don't make a big deal out of this." "Are you gonna make a big deal out of it?" "I don't think that's a very bright idea." "I gotta buy a bulb and take this lamp bit to the next level." "I am on fire." "Year of Penny." "Get out of here with that, man." "BRAD:" "You crazy, man." "MAN:" "Thanks for the beer." "BRAD:" "That's what's up, man." "Hey, keep it cool, brother." "MAN:" "All right-- I'm sorry." "I'm s-- [lN SOUTHERN ACCENT] L'Bradford, I do declare." "[lN NORMAL voice] You must be coming from your office." "This is a really nice office." "Is this yourfax machine right here?" "You mind if I have a sip ofyour fax machine?" "Okay." "What a delicious fax machine." "Just calm down." "You lied to me, and now I find you at a sports bar with a bunch of very attractive black men, one who looks like Dwyane Wade." "Why can't I hang out with you?" "Because I'm white?" "No, Max." "This is a networking thing." "I didn't not invite you because you're white." "It's because you're not professional." "I could be professional." "You have a better chance of being black than professional." "That's not a challenge." "Not a challenge." "I feel you." "What was that?" ""Chi-City." Don't do that." "The Rock is definitely in the building." "Unnecessary." "Watch the Throne." "Watch your step." "You know what I'm saying?" "I don't know this man." "It's in my blood." "Africa." "Africa." "Welcome." "You are my first gentleman caller." "That made me sound like a prostitute." "I'm not a prostitute." "Wow, this place is amazing." "Thanks." "Do you have any roommates?" "Nope." "It is just me and you." "Really?" "Wow." "I live with five guys." "Ooh, I love guys." "Again, not a prostitute." "Is this Italian marble?" "Sure, yeah." "I guess." "How many square feet is this place?" "Oh, I don't know." "You really have your life together." "Is that a bad thing?" "No." "I just need to go work on my resume." "Oh, no, Jeremy." "Jeremy, wait." "I know it seems like I have my life together, but I am a mess." "Psycho." "I will friend your mom on Facebook and start showing up at events I was not invited to." "You know what?" "These cabinets are not even that nice." "I mean, look at this." "Ooh!" "Is that a wine fridge?" "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Jer?" "Jer-bear?" "Hon, Jeremy was clearly a loser." "Yeah, most guys would kill to date a girl with a place like this." "Last girl I dated lived on a boat." "That's romantic." "Docked in the parking lot of the pet store where she worked." "I don't know where you find people." "You know what?" "You guys are right." "I don't even know what I was thinking." "I mean, this place is great." "I'm great." "Year of Penny back on track." "Year of Penny." "Yes." "I am gonna take these into the bedroom." "What's happening?" "These are the running socks" "Alex didn't want me to wear." "Can you believe that she hated these?" "Hate?" "No." "Those are, uh, great." "Right?" "Yeah." "So I got you a pair." "Just to say thank you for freeing us from our lies." "Wow." "Let's go for a run." "Oh, good, yeah." "What's this--?" "What's this color?" "Like, an aquaflage?" "Yeah." "I hope you like the color." "Oh!" "Yeah, no, Jane loves a good aquaf" "I'm gonna go" " I'm gonna give-- I'm gonna try them on." "[DOORBELL rings]" "Hi, I'm Mrs. Sarner from 3G." "Welcome to the building." "It's nice to see a couple buying this place." "Oh, no, we're not" "Because the last two ladies who owned this condo were so sad." "They both died alone." "That's something that was not disclosed to me." "Some people in the building even think this unit is cursed." "Isn't that crazy?" "As if a condominium could turn a gal into a sad spinster." "These cookies are cran-apple." "Thanks." "Enjoy." "Thank you." "See you at the mixer." "Penny, relax." "This place is not cursed." "Penny, you didn't tell me you got a cat." "He is so cute." "Aww!" "You are cute." "Wait." "I didn't get a cat, because cats are for spinsters." "Is it cold in here?" "I need a housecoat and a hot tea with lemon." "Should I get an AOL e-mail address?" "What's happening to me?" "So this isn't your cat?" "PENNY:" "No." "[###]" "[SHUDDERS]" "Why do we keep watching the same Lethal Weapon scene over and over?" "Because I lost my Murtaugh." "I don't understand what my friends say." "Brad doesn't want me joining his stupid professional networking group." "Oh, fuzzy face." "Come on, you said you'd watch Richard Gere movies with me." "I heard Primal Fear has a very cool surprise ending." "Norton was lying about his split personality and murdered the archbishop." "What about Unfaithful?" "Gere bashes the French guy with a snow globe." "You're killing me." "Just like tumors killed Winona Ryder in Autumn in New York." "Why are you doing this?" "Hello, Alex." "Nice socks." "You look like a gay ninja." "I am gonna go for a run with Jane." "Oh, and I called Glaze earlier." "Good convo." "Tough, yes." "There were tears because ofyour lies, but I'm gonna go play frolfwith him, make him feel better." "I wish I could watch you nerds, but I've gotta make jambalaya." "People are going crazy for it at the store." "Really?" "Women are going crazy for trying on clothes and eating hot seafood soup?" "[CHUCKLES]" "Can't get enough of that hot seafood soup." "Yeah." "[###]" "I've had the worst day ever." "Eww." "Morning started with frolf." "Dave, Glaze, myself." "[###]" "And since I told Alex she'd be a great dog owner, we went to the shelter." "Turns out she's only qualified to take care of a snake." "I'm naming him Tyler." "Then I stupidly encouraged Dave to record his song." "# Love times love #" "# Divided by love #" "# Equals love to the power of love ##" "Then it was back to Alex's, where she wanted to prove she could make a fire." "I'm not sure you should be feeding Peeps to the snake." "He seems a little bit off." "No, he loves them." "What about the flue, Al?" "Snakes don't get the flu." "Did you even open it?" "What?" "Did you use charcoal to make a fire?" "Oh, Jane." "Kind of ironic, isn't it?" "You pushed Dave and Alex to stop lying, but now all you can do is lie to them." "[BRAD CHUCKLES]" "You're doing exactly what you don'twant them to do." "Look at you, all dirty, just covered in lies." "I see, that's funny." "You wanna tell me about that motorcycle you bought last year?" "Hmm?" "What?" "Run you a bubble bath?" "Okay." "All right." "Mm." "Mm-hm." "[###]" "[MAX laughing]" "Maxwell Blum." "JD, DDS, Esquire." "How's it going?" "JD, DDS?" "You're a lawyer and a dentist?" "I like cleaning teeth." "Sue me." "Max, can I talk to you for a second?" "Talk is cheap." "Let's get down to brass tacks." "What's going on with this debt ceiling?" "Does China own us?" "I wanna join your professional group." "You guys network so well." "Professionals' group?" "I haven't had a job in, what, like five years?" "Unless you count sleeping till 1 and trying to bring back the phrase "bust a move" as a job." "Oh, my God." "You're, like, black Max." "You're" "You're Blax." "Hold up." "Is this white Daryl?" "[###]" "I am not white Daryl, and you lied to me again." "Look, sometimes I justwanna hang outwith the brothers." "Why are you talking like that?" "Because I was hanging out with the brothers and it takes a while to go away." "It's gone." "Sometimes I just need a break from talking about NPR and recycling or that awesome chest pass Steve Nash made." "Oh, really, fam?" "Yeah." "You gonna pull that Steve Nash card." "Why are you talking like that?" "Because everybody's with the brothers and we're hanging out and talking like that." "I didn't tell you because you get crazy anytime you feel excluded from something." "Hey, Brad." "If I hook you up with a partially used Borders gift card, think you could give me a ride to small-claims court?" "Crap." "Damn it." "I am white Daryl." "[###]" "I'm totally fine, Jane." "I took the cat to a shelter, and I know my apartment's not cursed." "Oh, and I decided to have a housewarming party, roaring '20s theme." "So it looks like the year of Penny is back in full" "Oh, no, no, no." "What the hell is with all the cats?" "[CATS MEOWlNG]" "No." "Come on." "Just get to stepping." "Get on now." "Move it along." "Come on." "Get out." "Get out." "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "Okay, Penny." "Calm down." "Get some wine." "Take a breath." "Just watch some TV." "[SCREAMS]" "[GROWLlNG]" "Why is the DVR filled with The Good Wife and The View?" "I didn't record these." "These are for lonely women who talk to themselves." "Oh, my God, I'm talking to myself" "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "[THUNDER CRASHES]" "[###]" "[PENNY GASPS]" ""Single meals for one"?" ""Personal pizzas"?" "Personal pizzas." "[WOMAN SCREAMS ON TV]" "[DOORBELL ringing]" "Jane, you're notwearing your running socks." "Oh, yeah." "I am bummed too, Glaze, but Penny wanted it to be historically correct with the 1920s theme, so, grr." "Well, then I'll just go polish the china in the servants' quarters." "You don't polish china." "What's up?" "What's up with you?" "Shouldn'tyou be readyforyour party?" "It's already happening." "Pen." "Pen." "You okay?" "Like anybody cares." "Give me the ice cream." "Okay." "Got another one." "Okay, how did you--?" "All right, give me the couch ice cream." "And let's get you dressed." "Just leave me alone, Jane." "Give me the ground ice cream." "And let's get you dressed." "Go." "Go." "Come on." "Let's go." "Hey, Brad." "How's it going?" "Oh!" "Where are my manners?" "These are my gay friends." "Sometimes you just wanna hang out with your peeps." "Right." "Anyway, this is Connor." "He's enormous." "This is Joel." "He's silent." "And this is Steve." "We call him gay Brad." "No, we don't, and my name's Ken." "And he's Asian." "He's Asian?" "Pfft." "I don't see skin color or eye shape." "Anyway, let's get out of here, guys." "These straight folks are bringing me down." "Let's go talk about gay stuff." "Ooh." "Gay stuff?" "That's right, Brad." "Gay stuff." "Come on." "Don't you wish they made trading cards of designers?" "Whoa." "Really, Alex?" "You're gonna serve that disgusting jambalaya?" "This is a housewarming party, not a house-clearing party." "Boom." "Poetry slam." "I heard you went to the shelter, and they wouldn't let you have a dog, so you had to get a snake instead." "Had to?" "No, no, no." "I chose Tyler." "Dogs are played out with their whole soft, cuddly, best-friend thing." "Honestly, on a scale offur to scales, I prefer scales." "Well, things have been going pretty awesome with me too." "Been frolfing and jamming and my song turned out so great that Glaze put it on his website." "Been getting tons of hits." "Don't make a big deal about it." "Awesome." "Maybe you should play it for everyone." "Yeah." "No." "Bro." "No." "Yeah." "Bro." "Bro." "I didn't bring my guitar, I can't" "That's okay, he's got one." "Why don't you ask him?" "Uh..." "You really think I can pull off that James Perse crew-neck T-shirt?" "As long as I can be there when you pull it off." "What's happening here?" "Just talking Ts with my Bs who went G because they like D." "Pound me." "No." "Gay Brad, you do not pound Brad Brad." "Gays, inside." "Go." "You guys can pound me." "Why can't I pound your friends?" "Because they're not my friends." "They're just guys I met at the gym who are way too into the '20s." "What is going on?" "I'm freaking out." "About what?" "We used to hang out all the time, right?" "Then you got married to Jane and you got this big fancy job." "I barely ever see you anymore, and the free time you do have you spend it with other people." "Dude..." "We're always gonna have stuff going on in our lives, man." "Well, me, you know, my life." "Your life's pretty much" "Of course." "Yeah, yeah." "But you're my Riggs, trick." "I am, ho?" "Come on, fella." "You know Murtaugh would never bail on Riggs, even when real-life Riggs gets super racist and verbally abusive towards his boo." "I love you the most, man." "Bring it in." "You sure you're not on the low?" "That's my cell phone, man." "# Love times love #" "# Divided by love # # Divided by love #" "Look, everyone's having a great time." "What is wrong with people?" "This song is so sad." "The square root of love is love." "DAVE:" "# Buddha's Christian ##" "Here, try this." "I put peanut butter in this batch." "Just a little bit of horseradish in there." "Why?" "Okay, enough." "Dave, stop, okay?" "I love you, but that song is really bad." "Those running socks are hideous, frolf is not a sport." "Hey, we have a newsletter." "Shut up, Glaze." "Dave, all those things Alex said, they're true." "Thank you, Jane." "You see, Dave-- Calm down, Al." "Everything you've done in the past few days has been stupid." "You almost burned down your apartment." "And, Penny, oh, my God." "Is your breakdown sponsored by Dreyer's?" "You're not gonna turn into an old spinster just because you bought a condo, which, by the way, is not cursed." "Yeah, Jane?" "Then you wanna explain about all the cats?" "Wait." "You found my cats?" "I live next door." "I've trained them to crawl into vents and open windows." "Fair enough." "Okay, then what about all the episodes of The View on my TV?" "You didn't erase those, did you?" "I can't DVR The View at home anymore because my DVR is filled with episodes of The View, so I DVR it here." "Then does someone wanna explain to me this coupon for personal pizzas which is really just a really great deal." "Uh, I'm..." "I'm sorry." "You guys, thank you for coming." "I hope everybody has a great time." "Year of Penny!" "Play something." "One, two, three" " Actually, guys, I'm sorry, I don't know any other songs." "[JAZZ music playing OVER SPEAKERS]" "You know, your jambalaya wasn't all that bad." "There were a couple of good batches back in '07, I think." "Yeah, and your song" " I mean, the lyrics are actually really touching." "We're lying, right?" "Yeah, it works for us." "Stop having a moment, you two." "Toast." "Thank you." "To my friends." "I know I'll never be sad and alone because I'll always have you." "You know you're not gonna be alone." "Ahh." "Thanks, Al." "No, literally, I need to move in." "Jane wasn't kidding." "I smoked out my apartment and there's a snake loose that's mad at me because I gave him diabetes." "Roomies?" "Ifyou'll have me." "Yes, yes." "Aww." "Yay!" "Bring it in." "Okay." "Cheers." "ALL:" "Cheers." "Cheers."