"JUST THREE FRIENDS" " Hey, everybody." " Hey, Sam." "I think I found the answer to the robberies in this neighbourhood." " I'm gonna get an alarm." " This is better." "This friend of mine has a gigantic attack dog." "He's gotten so mean that he can't handle him." "That would be perfect protection." "Coach, maybe so, but where are we gonna keep a dog?" "I figured the office." "It's vicious!" " Get that dog the hell out of here." " How?" "I don't know." "How did you get it in here?" "He was in a cage when he came in but he ate it." "This is ridiculous." "How will I use my office?" "In my profession, I've grown accustomed to dealing with bellicose canines." " Allow me." " What are you gonna do, mace him?" "That's much too cruel." "I find, dealing with animals, it's better to be kind yet firm." " Sit!" " He is sitting, Cliff." "Nuke the beast, Sam." "Gee, Sam." "I'm so sorry." "Get on the phone." "I want the owner to get the dog out of here." " Hello, everyone." " Goody, Diane is here." "This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend." "Meet her this morning?" "That's Carla." "She likes a little witty repartee, she's just not capable of it." "And Heather, I want you to meet someone else, over here." " Coach Ernie Pantusso." " How do you do?" "Hi." "Call me Coach or my other nickname." " What other nickname?" " Satchmo." "Coach, you're thinking of Louis Armstrong." "No, but I like that even better." " Can I get you something to drink?" " Coffee, thank you." "Now, down here are Cliff and Norman, two of our most regular regulars." " Hi." " Hiya." "Pleased to do you." "I mean, how do I meet me." " Forget it." " Smooth, Cliff." "I hate her." "I love this place." "It's got a great feeling." "Yeah, I knew you'd like it." "Sam, I tried reaching the owner." "No answer." " Thank you, Coach." " You can call me Louis Armstrong." "That must be Sammykins." "He is gorgeous, just as you described him." " Hey." " Hi." "You didn't do justice to his cologne." "And you wanted me to switch." "See?" "Heather Landon, meet Sam "I reek, therefore I am" Malone." "How do you do?" "Heather, I've heard Diane babble about you a lot." "You grew up together, right?" "Practically." "We were in grade school." "Heather hasn't changed a bit." "Must have been some grade school." "She moved into town." "Isn't that wonderful?" "I have to warn you." "When we get together, we get a little goofy." "I should have brought a big Goofy." "I hear they're on sale." "Cute and funny." "I think you got lucky this time, Diane." "Just like the rest of them." "Hung up on looks, personality and style." "Heather and I were best friends in the fourth grade." "We always got in trouble." "Some of the things she got me to do!" "Remember the prank phone calls?" "This is the WTRM radio contest." "For a trip to Hawaii, name three cars that start with P." "Go ahead." "Porsche, Plymouth and Pontiac." "No, I'm sorry." "Those cars start with gas." "It's pathetic." "I'll show you the place." "Nice meeting you, Sam." "Sorry Diane got to you first." "I often regret there are so many women and only one of me." " Oh, boy." " What's wrong, Sam?" " You're kidding." "You didn't see that?" " See what?" " What are you talking about?" " Guys, Diane's friend came on to me." " You're crazy." " You're with Diane." "For her you're safe." "Forget about that." "I'm talking about vibrations." "I know women." "Diane's friend wants me." "I know a thing or two." "I've had experience of this sort of thing." " You, Norm?" " Yeah." "When I was dating Vera, her sister used to prance around wearing a bikini or flimsy little shorts or something." "She used to sit on my lap." "Whisper in my ear how sexy I was." "So I did it." "I asked her out." "She turned me down flat." "Vera know this?" "Yeah, Coach." "She was there and she was really furious." "I'm surprised she even married you." "The ceremony was in progress." "Wasn't much she could do about it." "I know what you are talking about, but there's more going on here." " She seems like such a sweet kid." " Yeah." "Just as every author has had to work among common people for material." "Muscles!" "I think Sammy's on to something here." "She's a vixen, undressing every man with her eyes." "No wonder I felt such a chill." "That's our little pub." "Diane, she hasn't seen all of it yet." "You didn't show her Sam's office." "No, Carla!" "Just some of that witty repartee you love." "That was a lousy thing to do." "What the hell is that?" "It's an attack dog a friend of mine gave me." "He's good." " Excellent." " Coach, get on the phone." " Diane, are you all right?" " Yes." "You trained me well." "Listen, I've really got to be going." "Oh, right." "You and I and Sam will have dinner tonight." "I'm going to cook." " Why?" " Well, to celebrate." "Now that Heather's living here I want us all to be good friends." "And I have a special recipe to try." "My own veal Oscar." "That's the award you get if you can act like you like it." "Heather, do you mind hanging on?" "I want to talk to Diane in private." "Sure." "I know what you're gonna do." "I'll finish my coffee." "OK." "All right." " Sam, no answer yet." " Just keep trying." "Look, sweetheart." "Hey, hey, come on." "Heather's OK, but I don't think we should hang out too much." " Why not?" " I don't think the two of us hit it off." " You hit it off." "She's nuts about you." " I bet she is." "I didn't want to have to tell you this because you're pals." "But she's coming on to me gangbusters." " Why do you look at me like that?" " I can't believe you're saying this." "I need help here." "I don't have much experience saying no to women." "The closest I've gotten is, "Not now, we're landing. "" "I'm just telling you this because I think you ought to keep us apart." " What?" " This is staggering." "Do you think every woman you see is attracted to you?" "I've had enough women come on to me to know when it's happening." "Well, I guess there's only one way to convince you." " Heather?" " Wait a minute." "What are you doing?" " I'm going to ask her." " No, don't do that." "I'm sorry if it embarrasses you but it serves you right." "Heather, I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but I want to get it out of the way so we can proceed to a lasting friendship." "Sam just now mistook your innocent flirtation for a sexual overture." "Will you please explain to him your real feelings?" "Sam, I want you and I don't care who knows it." " What?" " Gotcha!" "You're very attractive, but for me to give up my friendship, you'd have to be rich." " See you tonight for dinner." "Bye." " See you later." "No, ma'am, I'm sorry." "Those cars start with gas!" " Let's call your mother now." " Get out of here!" "Whitey, whitey." "You're making a mistake." "What do you mean?" "That so-called friend of yours is hot for Sam." "Everyone here is insane." "Why would you think that?" " Sam thinks it." " Not any more, he doesn't." "I trust his first instincts." "When it comes to dames, he's got an antenna that picks up things we miss." "Dogs and cats know there's an earthquake coming." "No one can explain." "It's simple." "There are cracks on the surface of..." "Your brain." "Please, don't distract Diane from her suffering." "Believe me, you're being dense." "If Sam says she's hot for him, bank on it." "It's ludicrous." "The more I think about this, the more I'm looking forward to tonight." "I've never had a woman who's just a friend." " This will be really good for me." " Tonight?" "Remember, you're cooking that Oscar Mayer thingy." "veal Oscar." "Sam, I've had second thoughts about that." "Did you know that veal comes from baby cows?" "If you think I would take part in such a senseless slaughter..." "Open a can of beans." "The important thing is getting to know Heather." "I think just being friends with a sexy woman is a big step in my maturity." "We've got to get into the office to get some stock." "We're out of gin and the Kahlua martinis aren't moving." "I don't think you should come to dinner when there's so much on your mind." " The dog and everything." " I'll take care of the dog now." "I'm one step ahead of you, Sammy." "Mix a little complimentary cocktail for the mutt." "I got hold of the owner." "He said booze calms him right down." " I hope the guy's thirsty." " Be careful." "Oh, look at him." "He's just a big puppy dog." "You're a big doggie, yes, you are." "There's only one problem." "The owner said booze makes the dog amorous." " Yeah?" "Right." " Good boy." "Yes." "He's a good boy." "Wait, not that good." "Come on in, Heather." "Something smells great." "I thank you." "Dinner's almost ready." "Make yourself at home." " Well, what do you think?" " About what?" "About this dress." "I saw it and had to have it." "Why did you buy a dress today of all days?" "You meet everybody, go out and get a come-get-me dress." "Explain." "I just saw it today." "Of course." "You did what anyone in your position would have done." " Diane, is everything all right?" " Yes." " Are you sure?" " Of course." "Back to work." " I sure like Sam." " Slut." " What?" " I said thanks a lot." "You're welcome." "Malone." "One for dinner." " Do you have reservations?" " Plenty, but I came anyway." " How are you doing?" "Here you go." " Nice." "Thanks." " Hey, buddy." " Hey, Sam." "How are you doing?" "I want to apologise for this afternoon." "I was a little crazy." "Here you go." "I think the three of us are gonna be real good friends now." "Yeah, I think so too." " Me too." "Well, let's get to dinner." " What's the rush?" "The sooner we begin, the sooner we can finish." "And then we can be finished." " Isn't friendship great?" " Yeah." "What's that saying about friends and lovers?" "Friends and lovers." "Don't leave home without them." "Very funny." "You're ticklish." "You are." "You are." "Oh, no." "Please, please!" "Dinner time!" "You don't have to shout." "We can hear you." "Of course." "Hunger makes me want to shout." "Now, come on." "Sorry I don't have place cards." "We'll put Sam in the middle so we can share him." "Excusez-moi." "I think this is gonna be great." "Just the three of us." "Three good friends." " Like Quartos, Athos and Aramus." " There you go." "I don't think Sam knows that reference." "I may not read books, but I know good music." "Supremes, right?" " Fabulous." " Sometimes I surprise her." " I bet you do." " Here we go." "Hope you didn't have spaghetti for lunch." " I thought we were having veal Oscar." " There are remnants in the sauce." "I thought we weren't gonna do anything with veal." "This sucker was already dead." " Well, it looks divine, Diane." " Thanks." "Bon appetit." "Remember the way we used to eat "pasghetti"?" " No." " Like this." "That was good." "All right." "Let me try." "You got some sauce on your blouse there." "Thanks for your discretion." "This is wonderful spaghetti." "And the pasta is cooked just perfectly." "It's firm yet it yields to the bite." "That's exactly the way it should be." "Here." "Take a bite off the end of this." " See?" "Perfect." " Try mine." "Yours is good too." "Boy." "This garlic bread is magnificent." "Here, have some of mine." " Hot, hot, hot." " You don't even have to chew it." "You just set it in your mouth and it melts." "Goodies, goodies." " You have a little sauce right there." " I don't wanna waste it." "No, on the other side there." "There we are." "Come on!" " Stop it right now." "I mean it!" " What?" "What?" "You know what." "You know perfectly well what." "Think I don't know what's going on?" "Spaghetti, sauce, bread." "Have you no shame?" " What the hell's the matter with you?" " I know what that was all about." "You think I don't know what noodles mean in sexual lingo?" "And sauce." "I read my Freud." "We were just enjoying the meal." "Don't give me that." "That meal's inedible." "You're doing the same thing I did this afternoon and you called me nuts." "No, Sam, it's all right." "It's not surprising." "I'm an outgoing person." "People misinterpret it." " I'm just surprised it came from you." " Yeah." "Me too." "What am I saying?" "I must really be paranoid, mustn't I?" "It's happened to me before." "It's happened to everyone." "Heather..." "I'm so sorry." "She didn't mean it, Heather." "How can you be eating now?" "I've eaten through worse than this." " Goodbye." " Heather, where are you going?" " You're not leaving, are you?" " Paranoid or not, she's uncomfortable." "Honestly, no." "Our friendship is the most important friendship in my life." "And I would never, never do anything to intentionally hurt it." "Please forgive me and stay." "Of course." "I can't throw away 20 years." "That's beautiful." "You know, I just wanna thank you for letting me be part of this." " That was very sweet." " Sam." "You are so sweet." "Hey, well..." "English"