"_" "[ Gurgling and coughing ]" "All:" "Whoo!" "Another successful victim of the waterboard shot!" "[ All cheer ]" "Yeah!" "Hey-o-o-o!" "Welcome to Tig Bittley's-- where it's your birthday, your spring break, and your Bar Mitzvah all rolled into one." "Get in here and let's get some food!" "Okay, here we go-- one coyote shrimp steak with dynamite-infused [bleep] sauce and some chipotle ejaculate." " Anything else?" " Uh, yeah." "Where's our nachos?" "I don't know if you know, but, like Señor Dicks, they give you, like, a free nachos." "Hmm." "Yeah." "[ Mimicking ] Oh, Señor Dicks." "Oh, oh." "My vagina hurts." "Heh heh heh heh." "I don't have a vagina." "Let me tell you something about Señor Dicks, all right?" "It's run by a two-bit shyster who doesn't know the first thing about family-friendly, party-centric, sports-themed, large-portion, affordable restaurant hot spots." "Jerk-off!" "But we do know how to keep our customers happy." "Enjoy this nachos and salsa flight, compliments of Señor Dicks." "Wow, thank you." "Now, what were you saying about my fine establishment?" "Broger-- [ Chuckles ]" "Good to s-- When did you come in?" " Shh!" " I didn't" "I told you to shut this place down." "Unless, of course, you want to end up like the last manager of Tig Bittley's." "What?" "He accidentally got tangled up in some rope and fell into his trunk and then drove off the Coronado Bridge." " Didn't he?" " No, I murdered him." "[ Gulps ]" "[ Whistles ]" "[ Body thuds ]" "The truth is, I don't like your brand." "Aaaah!" "[ Sizzling ]" "Diego!" "♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "[ Bottle rattling ]" "Piper:" "Savages turned over the nachos." "Trent:" "Hey." "I came as soon as I heard." "Alphonse:" "POTN is in the hospital." "He's... in stable condition." "That means he's like a horse in a stable, waiting to be shot and turned into glue." "Trent:" "Yeah, I know." "I'm not an idiot." "Piper:" "We need to protect this place until the President of the Navy gets back on his feet." "Trent:" "I'm out." "I vowed never to step foot in a bar again." "I was a "cooler."" "They brought me in when bars got too hot." "I had a lethal move that stopped anyone in their tracks." "Hey." "ID." "ID, please." "All:" "Head pop!" "Head pop!" "Trent:" "What happened next..." "I'm not too proud of." "All:" "Head pop!" "[ Blood splatters ]" "Oh, you killed him." "Trent:" "Turns out, it wasn't a short, hairy biker." "It was a dog in a hells angels vest." "Whoa, hang on." "How do you mistake a dog for a person?" "Trent:" "You put sunglasses on anything, it looks human." "That's why I never could step foot in a bar again." "Piper:" "I mean, technically, you are in a bar right now." "Trent:" "Good point." "I'm in." "Let's do this." "Piper:" "Okay, first of all, the soccer moms are about to arrive." "We're gonna need a bouncer at the door." "Secondly, the bar needs to be livened up." "Otherwise people are gonna be staring into their mugs." "And thirdly, all of the waiters have been murdered." "Trent:" "All right, if we're gonna do this, let's look the part." "We have to make sure we keep Broger's men out, so there's one rule we have to live by-- punch first, ask questions never." "Now, there's three holes in the human body-- three holes, three ways to die." "I'm sorry, man." " Three holes?" "Trent:" " Yeah." "I mean, from top down, you got two eyes, you got two ears, you got two nostrils, and a mouth." "That's seven in your head alone." "How the hell you come up with three?" "Trent:" "Look, I'm not an anatomy expert, okay?" "What I am an expert at is kicking ass and crushing trachea." "I'm not confident you even know what a trachea is." "Trent:" "Moving on." "Sir, that'll be $7, please." "We're never gonna make any money this way." "Piper:" "Sweet little dumb little Daisy." " Whoa-- hey!" "What are you doing?" "Piper:" " Shh!" "If you want people to pay, then you've got to get their attention." "Isn't using your body just prostitution?" "Piper:" "No, not if you're inside." "All right." "♪ My girl likes to... ♪" "Piper:" "From here on out, your name is Red, and you love to party." "♪ She likes to bump me all the time ♪" "Piper:" "Come on!" "Dance with me, Red!" "It's a bar!" "It's not for dancing!" "Piper:" "Oh, that doesn't sound like something Red would say." "Be Red, Daisy." "Be Red!" "I want to be Red." "Alphonse:" "Welcome to Tig Bittley's-- where the beers are" "Smile for me, sweetie." "Alphonse:" "My name's not "Sweetie," it's Alphonse." "Your name tag says that you're from Alaska." "Do you have any Alaskan king crab?" "Alphonse:" "I'm so sorry." "That's not on the menu." "Oh, it's not?" "It should be." "You should put some king crab on the menu." "Alphonse:" "Oh!" "You see what I mean?" "'Cause I'm gonna suck on something from Alaska tonight." "[ Laughs ]" " Alphonse:" "I am a server, and I" " What's going on down here" "Some of that pepper?" "Oh!" "[ Laughing ] Oh ho ho ho!" "Alphonse:" "No one touches my grinder!" "Oh ho ho!" "Alphonse:" "No one touches my grinder." "Why don't you bring me a bib?" "'Cause it's gonna get juicy." "It's gonna get real juicy!" "I'm gonna just say it, man." "Butthole." "Trent:" "Can we just drop the whole holes thing?" "Well, you brought it up, man." "We're trying to create a baseline here." "Don't shoot the messenger." "Trent:" "Legally, I can shoot whoever I want." "Any other questions?" "I heard you killed a dog." "Trent:" "Yeah, I killed a dog." "Big deal." "It was dark, he was heavily costumed, and that's all everyone wants to talk about-- "Oh, you killed a dog."" "You know, we've all done it, right?" "[ Crowd cheering ]" "[ Rock music plays ]" "♪ I'm gettin' hot.♪" "Piper:" "We're partying like crazy right now!" "♪ You want to do me with some attitude ♪" "♪ you want it hard ♪" "♪ don't like it slow ♪" "♪ rev up your motor you're ready to go ♪" "♪ too many girls ♪" "♪ they don't have a clue ♪" "♪ but I've got a girl that knows what to do ♪" "Daisy?" "Dad?" "Dad, I can explain." "My entire life, I thought you were a loser, a real nerd." "But now, after this, [Sighs]" " proudest I've ever been." " Really?" "Get back up there and..." "make your father proud." "And, hey." "Take this." "It was your mother's glow stick." " ♪ ...bump and gri...♪" " Whoo!" "Alphonse:" " You'll never believe what just happened out there." " What?" "Alphonse:" "This woman sexually harassed me." "Well, it's the 5:30 rush." "The kids are at soccer practice, and those moms want to play with balls of their own." "Those moms love getting offsides." "Alphonse:" "I am a server, not a whore." "Please, honey." "You're a whore." "Every whore's a server, and every server's a whore." "Keri Russell in "Waitress" was a whore." "All of them are." "You want my advice?" "Give them the goods, get the tip, and then go home, wash off the night." "[ Chuckles ]" "Just like my mama used to say, "86 that frown and 69 it upside down."" "[ Slaps ]" "[ Techno-style "La Cucaracha" plays ]" "[ Engine revs ]" "Trent Hauser?" "Todd Broger, proprietor of Señor Dicks." "Trent:" "I know who you are, Broger, and you and your goons, they're not welcome here." "So get out." "Yeah, I heard about you." "Trent:" "So what?" "Big deal." "I killed a dog." "You make a big, federal case out of it?" "Everyone's done it." "No, your bouncing skills-- they're unmatched." "Trent:" "I don't do that anymore." " But you're doing it now." "Trent:" " Right." "But this is more of like a limited-time, special-engagement thing-- like a-- like a McRib." "Someone with the power to shoot off a man's head could come in very handy in the slow fast-food world." "Trent:" "No." "These hands will never remove another man's head." "I promised myself and the people of PETA that." ""No." [ Scoffs ]" "That's a word I don't like to hear-- just like "Hypoallergenic."" "But I guess if you won't join us, then we go to Plan B." "Trent:" "Broger." "What are you doing?" "Ha ha!" "[ Glass shatters ]" "With all the framed polyester hockey jerseys in this place, your whole restaurant will burn to the ground in less than five minutes!" "[ Laughs evilly ]" "[ People screaming ]" "Trent:" "Alphonse!" "Look around for anyone who's trapped." "Alphonse:" "Okay." "Trent:" "Save any sports memorabilia you can find!" "Daisy!" "Piper!" "Stop your dancing!" "Piper:" "No, we're having the time of our lives, Trent!" "Daisy just made a flaming mojito!" "Trent:" " No, that's an actual fire!" "Piper:" " What?" "!" "Trent:" "This place is on fire." "[ Gasps ]" "Piper:" "Trent, we're too scared to get down!" "Trent:" "Just imagine this whole bar is a bar... and dance your way out." "Use the kid rock music in your head..." "Trailer Parks..." "Jack Daniel's..." "Rebel Flags..." "Triumph..." "Once You Were Poor, Now You Are Rich..." "Tramp Stamps..." "Vacations to Virginia Beach." "Way to go, girls." "Piper:" "Red, go!" "Save yourself!" "Trent:" " Drums..." "Steel Guitars..." " Sherell!" "Where are my bitches?" "!" "I'm dying!" "Help me!" "My beads are caught on the chair!" " Alphonse!" "Alphonse:" " You!" "I can't move!" "Please help me." "Please help me." "Help me, Alphonse." "Why don't you use that fishing rod that's tucked in your pants-- that Alaskan fishing rod?" "Alphonse:" " I am a person, not an object!" " I'm sorry." "I have a hormonal imbalance, and I'm an alcoholic." "And I'm free!" "I'm free!" " I want to die..." "Alphonse: - [ Stammers ]" "I want to die doing it with you!" "Alphonse:" " No." "Let's go!" " Thank you." "Alphonse:" "You didn't even leave me a tip." "Trent: [ Coughs ]" " Hey, anyone here?" " Guess who?" "Trent:" "What are you doing here?" "You started the fire." "Get out of here." "I wanted a front-row seat to see this place burn!" "[ Rock music plays ]" "Trent: [ Growls ]" "[ Grunting ]" "Nothing?" "Come on, that had to hurt." "When you've eaten as many deep-fried dishes as I have, nothing affects you anymore!" "Admit it." "I won." "There'll be only one family fast-food place on this block." "Unless... you head-pop me." "[ Chuckles ]" "But you won't do it, will you?" "You're too scared." "[ Flames crackling ] [ Dog barking ]" "Trent:" "Sorry, but I got to." "[ Roar!" "]" "Alphonse:" " To Señor Dicks." "Piper:" " To Señor Dicks." "I got to tell you." "I'm glad my Tig Bittley's burnt down." "I mean, the insurance money was sweet, and this place is awesome." "I kind of regret getting my brand removed." "Piper:" "Yeah, this place looks just like Tig Bittley's, but with more sombreros." "I don't get why you had to kill Broger." "Trent:" "What?" "Daisy, forget it." "I made a mistake, okay?" "I learned my lesson." "I won't do it again." "Hey, that guy didn't pay his check!" "Trent:" "I'm gonna head-pop that guy." "All:" "Head pop!" "Head pop!" "Head pop!" "Head pop!" "Head pop!" "Head pop!" "Head pop!" "Aah!"