"[birds chirping]" "[sighs happily]" "Hey, kid." "Yaou want to hang out in the alley until my friends get up?" "I'm working!" "Hmm." "[grunts] [gasps]" "[whimpers] [exclaims]" "Hank, Peggy, Bobby!" "I just met a woman!" "Dale, Nancy, Joseph..." "I just met the woman who will bear my children!" "Is this a good school district?" "[humming] [grunts]" "Boomhauer, there's a dead wolf on your lawn." "I'm lying." "I met a woman!" "[grunts]" "Whoa, whoa." "Yao, man." "Still here?" "I thought I'd make you breakfast." "No." "I got an old hang-gliding lesson, man." "I'm gonna teach this little old blind kid." "I'm talking about that old Special Olympics, too, man." "[birds chirping]" "[exclaims]" "Mom, Dad, the ice cream lady's here." "I need $1.50." "Quick." "Bobby, I don't think the Mrs. Dippy Cone lady is on duty." "Her and Mr. Boomhauer are..." "dating." "even better." "She'll be here all the time." "I can get to know her on a personal level." "[exclaims] Maybe she'll let me do a ride-along!" "Why can't Boomhauer date someone smart for once?" "Like a congresswoman, so I could get my law passed." "And then she nodded like this... and then she smiled like this... and then she jogged like this." "[beer sloshing]" "It was magic." "Man, give it a God dang old rest." "Man, you're talking about it... just going on and on, just yack, yack, yack, blah, blah, jogging and...." "Just hush." "Exactly." "Why should we have to listen to Bill blather on... about some nonexistent she-jogger that doesn't even exist?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, let's face it." "We'Ve been down the imaginary friend road before." "There were those guys you claimed you played soccer with." "Larry and Wayne." "Yaou know, Larry and Wayne may have been imaginary... but they were a lot more supportive than you." "Yaou didn't hear what they were saying behind your back." "Peggy, can I borrow a coffee cup?" "I need a second mug 'cause I got a lady friend now." "Oh, a lady friend." "Bill, that is so wonderful." "Oh, no, wait." "This one's dirty." "give it to me!" "Guess who had coffee with his special lady this morning?" "The coffee stains on your shirt are a nice touch, Bill... but we're still not buying." "I knew you guys wouldn't believe me, which is why I taped her." "I brought coffee for the two of us." "No, thanks." "If you're worried the caffeine will make you need to move your bowels..." "I Iive right across the street." "That's very sweet, but I gotta keep up the pace." "See you." "Remember when you fell in love... with that speed skater on the Wheaties box?" "Turns out she was real, too, but that didn't make her your girlfriend." "Look, in a perfect world, we could both be married to Peggy." "But this is reality, and I haVe to find someone here." "All right, all right, I'll do it." "Bill, I'm gonna help you win her over." "Here's a sure-fire way to sweep her off her feet." "Yaou will tend to her wounds." "What wounds?" "The one she got from falling in the hole." "What hole?" "The hole you dug in the alley." "But I didn't dig a hole in the alley." "Not yet." "Oh!" "Huh?" "Look, we will dig a minefield of some 20-odd holes." "She'll fall, twist her ankle, and you will come to her rescue... with the first-aid kit of love." "Bill, you'Ve got enough problems without this lady suing you." "Man, holes is dang old cheap, man." "What you need is, like, them good old rap, man." "Talking about something like this." ""Yao, how you doing, baby?" ""Know what I'm talking about?" "It's gonna take two to make it out of sight..." ""you know, man?"" "Oh, God." "Man, that dang old ball and chain." "Man, cover for me, Hank." "Tell her I, like, moved to denver or something." "I'm not really much of a liar." "Hey." "Do you know if Boomhauer's back from his safari yet?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "He's...." "Yaou see" "He moved to denver." "There, Hank, is that so hard?" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Come back!" "She's not coming back, honey." "Of course she is." "She's Mr. Boomhauer's girlfriend." "Let's see, how can I explain this?" "Yaou know how you can be happy eating Vanilla ice cream day after day after day?" "Well, Mr. Boomhauer isn't just like that." "See, he likes to try different flavors." "But he can have a new flavor every day." "He's dating the ice cream lady." "Mr. Boomhauer had grown-up sex with the ice cream lady... and now he's dumped her." "Yaou're never gonna have ice cream again, Bobby." "[gasps]" "This'll be great." "Nancy and I haVe been dying for another couple to hang out with." "What about Hank and Peggy?" "Between you and me..." "I'Ve run out of things to say to that woman." "Oh!" "I'll help you, ma'am." "[yells]" "I'm down." "[grunts]" "My name is.... [yells]" "Just tell me where it.... [yelling]" "(Bill) Damn it!" "Here we go." "We're just gonna get you inside, man." "Man, just go ahead and you just keep them ankles elevated." "I'm gonna help you out now." "Please, come back." "No, wait." "[Thank Yaou playing] [wailing]" "[car horn honking] [moaning]" "Well, I see she's a bit of a hellcat." "Scratched you up good." "After all I did for her, all these holes I dug... he just comes in here with his..." ""dang old this" and his "dang old that" and he steals her away from me!" "Hank?" "No." "Boomhauer." "All he's gonna do is give her one night of marathon lovemaking..." "I would have given her the same amount of love... but stretched out over a lifetime." "I usually run five miles every morning, but I think that counts." "[birds chirping]" "Hey, man, just put it on my dang old account, man." "How could you, Boomhauer?" "[yells] [groans]" "I loVe her!" "But to you, she's just another notch in your belt." "Yaeah, I tell you what, man, you dug your own grave... when you dug them dang old potholes, man." "Fellows, Bobby's trying to nap." "This stupid jerk stole my woman!" "I haVe never done that to you." "Dang it, Boomhauer." "Now we'll never hear the end of this." "No." "Yaou will not hear the end of this." "Hey, Boomhauer, here comes that lady jogger." "Oh, man." "Dang old denver, man." "[whistles]" "A Jaguar." "Man, you're talking about a dang old sweet ride." "Man, you got a fully synchronized four-speed with cast housing... and dang old diaphragm clutch, man." "I'm Bill DauteriVe." "And I'd be honored if I could have some of your hair... for my collection." "What are you doing?" "I am flirting." "I didn't know you liked classic cars." "Then again, the only thing I do know about you..." "is where you're ticklish." "I tell you what, man." "Why don't we go on back to my place, you gonna make me laugh?" "Go, Boomhauer!" "Sorry, Bill, but I gotta back a winner." "Please, don't put on Dido." "Please, don't put on Dido." "[music playing]" "Oh, Dido!" "[whimpering]" "And then I said, "l know you." ""Yaou're the weatherman from Channel 7, right?"" "And then he says, "No, I'm not."" "And then I said, "What are you talking about?" ""Of course, it's you." "Yaou are that guy."" "And he said, "No, I am not." And you know what?" "It wasn't." "Hank, why aren't you in the alley?" "Is it raining?" "Oh, speaking of rain, I ran into this guy today...." "Oh!" "I can't listen to this story again!" "I got to walk eight blocks to Carter's Market now... and get my ice cream." "Why am I in the middle of this?" "I bet Bobby wishes Boomhauer dumped the asparagus lady." "[laughs]" "There's not really an asparagus lady, Peggy." "It's funny." "Oh!" "Oh, okay." "So you think Boomhauer's promiscuity is amusing?" "Not really." ""Not really"?" "So, what then?" "Do his stories entertain you?" "Does hearing about his bedroom antics excite you?" "ls that how you get your freak on?" "My what?" "No." "No!" "I, I...." "I loVe you." "I'll leave you alone with your dirty thoughts." "Yaeah, you know, the minute I turned 18, man... my little old mama saying, you know..." ""Get into...." "Go into electrical engineering, Boomhauer." ""Dang old make me proud," you know?" "But I just don't do it, man." "Thank goodness." "Engineers are way too uptight." "Yaou wanna do some shots?" "Ooh!" "Dang old...." "Dang." "There's OJ in the fridge." "Make yourself a little something to eat." "Take a swim." "Just do me a favor and press "activate" to set the alarm on your way out, okay?" "Bye." "[door closing]" "Dang old...." "Yao, Hank." "Hank, man." "Hey, man, talking about it's me, man." "Dang old Boomhauer, man." "Huh." "I just turned on the backyard grill from the swimming pool." "And Peggy said man would never be able to do that." "Boomhauer, this is the coolest fling you'Ve ever had." "Oh, yeah, man." "Dang old cool fling, man." "I was using the master bathroom... which, by the way, I should have been master of... and I found this." "Hey, man." "Put them little old things back!" "For a rich woman, she buys pretty flimsy underwear." "Where's her ass supposed to go?" "No!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "[grunts]" "This is a digital watch." "I could have been electrocuted." "I'm never talking to you again." "Yaeah, I tell you what, man." "I tell you, just...." "Good riddance, man." "Yaou're not normally so touchy about your girlfriends' unmentionables." "Yaou getting serious with this gal?" "Oh, man, what are you...." "What are you guys doing here?" "Oh, man." "I'm sorry, baby." "Yaou know, I just...." "Hot day, you know." "I thought, maybe, I'd invite a couple of my friends over, man." "It's my bad." "Yaeah, I'm sorry, man." "I'm not leaving without my urine." "I left it sitting in the toilet." "[ice clinking]" "Oh, thank you, baby." "Why don't you go on ahead, and make yourself one, too?" "I'm sorry." "Did you forget something?" "Oh, man, I'm sorry." "Yaou need to go ahead." "Go ahead and unwind, man, I'm sorry." "Yaou got my digits." "Yaou just go ahead and you call me." "[birds chirping]" "I saw this news promo last night... that said something's going on in restaurant kitchens... that might really surprise us, but then I fell asleep." "Boomhauer, you stay up late." "Are rude customers really getting more than they bargained for?" "Ring, man." "Come on, baby, please, man, don't...." "Now, talking about, it's been nearly...." "It's been two days, man." "I don't feel like...." "A dang old lifetime, man." "I remember when I fell in love with Peggy." "I'll never forget that first handshake." "I wanted it to last forever." "love, man?" "That's what this is, man?" "Talking about, old pit of my stomach, man." "And I don't know if I'm coming or going." "I'm getting out of my mind, man." "love?" "Me?" "Hey, dang old Mee-Maw." "[gibbering]" "What, Mee-Maw?" "I didn't...." "Little Boomhauer...." "Coming up." "HaVen't seen you in so long." "Now, Mee-Maw, family matriarch...." "And, well, it's about time I'm gonna ask you for that dang old ring." "Oh, Boomhauer!" "Yaou...." "Talking about, I thought I was gonna be buried with the dang old thing." "Yaou little old...." "Wow." "[dog barking]" "[doorbell ringing]" "All right, all right." "It's a pizza, not a kidney." "Boomhauser?" "Marlene, I dang old...." "I can't stand being apart from you, not one moment longer, man." "I'm talking about, just like this ring." "It ain't got no beginning and no end, man." "Okay." "I'm gonna be honest with you." "I only understand about half of what you say." "The other times I just nod and smile and wait for your pants to come off." "What I'm talking about, Marlene, is dang old...." "Won't you marry me?" "Whoa, I understood that." "I see the pizza guy, but I don't see the pizza." "[Marlene giggling]" "[Marlene giggling]" "steven." "Yaeah, that's cool, baby." "Plenty of dang old fish in the sea, man." "[music playing on car radio] [tires screeching] [sobbing]" "Dang old...." "Yaep." "Yaep." "Yaep." "Oh, dang old." "Come on, Marlene, man." "Come on, man, talking about them old times, man." "Barbecue sauce." "[voices laughing]" "Yaep, I know that sound." "She's got you on the office speaker phone." "Yaou're a loser!" "[chuckling]" "[sobbing]" "Come on, Boomhauer." "Yaou're still the same old tomcat you always were." "Hey, tell us that story about the girl from the Radio Shack." "Yaou know, "l was buying batteries...."" "Yaeah." "Yaeah, okay." "Well, you know, my dang old Norelco died... and I went out to get me some of them old triple A's, you know?" "So I...." "Oh, God." "Marlene." "Boo-hoo-hoo-hauer." "I bet now you wish you'd only slept with 100 ladies... instead of 101." "Now you know how they all felt, except for that one that did it to you!" "Bill is picking on Boomhauer?" "He hasn't done that since he had hair." "We gotta do something." "The alley was balanced before." "A cool single guy, and a cool married guy... a loser single guy, and a loser married guy." "Now, it's me and three losers!" "Dale, go sign out with Nancy." "We're going tomcatting, and I'm gonna need a wing man." "Got you." "Wait." "If you think for one second, that I'm gonna stand by... while you go on a floozy hunt for Boomhauer, why" "Peggy, do you want another Bill on your hands?" "Take my car." "It's a chick magnet." "Boomhauer, where do the girls hang out?" "Nursing school, magic store?" "[sobbing]" "Hey, there's a woman." "All right." "Do that thing where you compliment them..." "and they come home with you." "Yaeah, yeah, yeah." "I once told Peggy her hair looked nice." "She still mentions it." "She's hugging him." "Look at him go, Hank." "Don't look at me." "Look at them." "He's bringing her back." "Pretend you're asleep so they can make out." "Yaou guys should get this poor fellow back to bed... after what that cold-blooded witch did." "Oh, turning down his grandma's ring." "[sobbing]" "[sniffling]" "Oh, man." "There, there." "[footsteps approaching]" "Amateurs!" "[grunting] [sighing]" "Thank God we're married." "Yaeah." "It's rough out there." "I know how dark it is for you right now." "Curled up, lying in your own emotional Vomit." "Yaou're in hell now, Boomhauer." "And the only way out is through a long, dark tunnel." "And you're afraid to go in because there's a train coming at you... carrying a boxcar full of heartbreak." "Well, let me tell you something, all you can do is let it hit you... and then try to find your legs." "I know." "I'Ve taken that hit more times than I can remember." "Look at me, Boomhauer." "I'm fat, and I'm old... and every day I'm just gonna wake up fatter and older." "But, somehow, I manage to drag this fat old bald bastard... out into the alley every day." "I'm out there digging holes, falling into them... climbing out, trying again." "And tomorrow I'm gonna hang outside at a lady's prison." "And the first thing those lady cons are gonna see after 20 years... is me." "Will I get one?" "Experience says no." "Will I be out there next month?" "If I'm alive, you better believe it." "Yaou gotta get right back up on that tanning bed... slip into a tight T-shirt, wash off some of that cologne... and get yourself out of that tunnel and into some strange woman's bed!" "Hell, yeah, man." "Yaeah!" "Dang right, man!" "That's what I'm talking about!" "Get out there, boy!" "Yaeah, yeah." "Yaeah!" "Yaeah!" "Yaeah!" "[birds chirping]" "He's gonna make some lucky lady Very happy... then Very, Very sad." "What you got, Boomhauer?" "A hot date with that attractive garbage lady?" "No, man." "I ain't ready to get back on my dang old horse just yet, man." "I got a little old business I need to do first, man." "Boomhauer?" "Now, I thought I'd never see you again." "Yaeah...." "Listen, man, I want to talk about...." "I done went off and walked a mile in your shoes, man." "I felt that old...." "That old big hurt, and, you know..." "I just want to tell you, man." "I want to tell you...." "Well, I'm...." "I'm sorry." "And how about, you know, just be dang old, you know, friends, man?" "[gate opening]" "Welcome back to society." "May I offer you a ride home?" "I'm driving." "So, what were you in for?" "Killed my boyfriend." "Does that mean you're single?" "(Dale) Pretend you're asleep so they can make out."