" Hey." " Hey." "What are you doing here?" "What, can't a guy visit his big sister at work just 'cause he feels like it?" "The day-old sandwiches already went to the shelter." "Oh, gotta go." "Yeah." "Oh, wait, Nick." "Don't go this way, okay?" "Rob's over there." " Oh, that's the famous Rob?" " Yeah, yeah." "Now just go, 'cause I don't want you to say anything to embarrass me." "Oh, what am I gonna say, that you wanna tackle him and wrap your nordic legs around him?" "Stop reading my Diary!" " Hey." " Hey." "Rob, perfect timing." "Yeah." "I just wanted to introduce you to my brother Nick..." " Oh, hey." " ...who was just leaving." "So that was fun, huh?" "Wow, cool shirt, man." "What is that, a Les Paul Jr., about 1956?" " It's '58." " Yeah." " That's a good eye." " You play?" "Ah, I used to play back in my Stanford days." " How about you?" "You play?" " Whenever possible." "And sometimes music." "Hey, Nick, have you ever seen soy milk?" "There's a whole bunch of it over here." "Maybe you and I should get together and jam sometime." "Really?" "Oh, sweet." "How about Saturday afternoon at my house?" "Since when do you have a house?" "Sounds great." "4:00 work?" "Oh, let's see." "Up at 2:00." "Shower." "Quick lunch." "Let's say 4:30." " Awesome." " Oh, make it 4:45." "Saturday's a shaving day." "Uh, listen, Rob, see, the thing about saturdays at our house..." "Are you gonna be there?" "Yeah, that's the perfect day for you to come over." "Yeah." "All right?" "'Cause Saturday's also my shaving day." "Legs, not face." "And my big hairy toe knuckles." "Which is something you don't need to know." "Just come over." "All right." "I'll see you then." ""B..." "Big hairy toe knuckles"?" "Smooth." "Oh, they will be Saturday." "♪ This is my day ♪" "♪ This is my life ♪" "♪ This is my one chance to get it right ♪" "Okay, this is what's gonna happen when Rob gets here." "You're gonna go down to the basement, you're gonna strum a few chords, and then you're gonna make up an excuse and disappear for a while." "And why would I do that?" "Because I'm still paying for the roof over your head and your never-ending supply of chocolate vampire cereal." " Okay, so we good?" " No, we're not good." "What am I supposed to do when I disappear?" "I don't know." "Here." "Look." "The new Valpak came today." "Take your pick." "You can get your teeth whitened or some art framed or get your carpets or air ducts cleaned." "Hah." "Ooh." "Well, hello." "Mom?" "Uh-huh." "I've been called worse." "Hell, I've done worse." "Mom, you look great." "Oh, tell me something I don't know." "Wow." "You've got a really nice new place here." "Yeah." "Yeah, Mom." "Actually, everything is going really, really great." "In fact, I was just made" ""Employee of the Month" at my new job, so..." "Ohh, look at you, my sweet, handsome baby boy!" "Well, it's clear." "You got all my good looks." "And it's clear you got my sweet tooth." "Yeah." "Mom, don't start with me." "Not everyone can exist on a diet of breath mints and those truck stop energy shots." "So this is great." "What are you doing here, Mom?" "I'm on my way to Vegas!" "All right." "Mom, you know what?" "This is just not a great time for a visit." "I mean, we're all really busy." "And you know what?" "Scott... he's not even here." "He's at basketball camp." "That gives me more time with Pam and my precious little Bill." "Will." "Just kidding!" "God, you're so funny." "Oh, you get me." "She doesn't get me." "Why don't you get me?" "My jokes not reach up that high?" "Perfect." "Okay, listen, Mom." "That is my boss, so behave." "When have I not behaved?" "Um, my 3rd-grade Christmas pageant, my sweet 16 party, and both of my weddings." "And by the way, I didn't appreciate your objections." " Hey." " Hey." " You made it." " Yeah." "I wouldn't miss it." " Course you wouldn't." "Come on." " Thanks." "Hey, Rob." "Hey, man." "Hey." "Are you gonna introduce me, or do I have to set my hair on fire?" "Well, it wouldn't be the first time, Mother." "Hair spray, birthday candles, Jägermeister." "Not a great combination." "I'm Barbara." " She's my mom." " Oh." "And a grandma." "Delighted to meet you." "See?" "Thirty seconds, he's delighted." "35 years, she still doesn't get me." "So, I bet you guys are dying to get started." "Oh, Rob, are you a police officer?" "I bet they don't just let anyone carry these guns." "Wow." "Really?" "Okay." "Listen, I bet you guys wanna start jamming." " Why don't I join your jam?" " Oh, no, no, no, Mom." "Why don't you stay up here, and I'll make you that drink you wanted, and we can catch up, you know?" "'Cause, God, I've missed you." "Pleasure." "Is that a request?" "Mother!" "Mom, Rob is my boss, okay?" "Please do not hit on him." "I wasn't hitting, I was hitting back." "Oh, please." "Oh, come on." "It's obvious he was flirting." "I was just being friendly." "Friendly?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "You were flashing so much cleavage back there, it looked like a job interview at Hooters." "Healthy cereal, whole-grain bread, dried fruit." "What kind of a mother are you?" "Where's the bourbon?" "Mom, I'm home." "Honey, we're in here." "Hear that?" "Most daughters are happy to see their mothers." "And most mothers don't demonstrate how to do a shot with no hands at 5th-grade career day." " Grandma!" " I hate that word." "I mean Barbara!" "What are you doing here?" "Just trying to get this party started." "Pam, honey, how was your field trip?" "Oh, great." "The university library is so much better than the one at school." "Yawn." "Anyway, um, I was studying with this really nice guy." "His name is Alex, and he invited me to go with him to this Renaissance fair tonight." "Can I, Mom?" "I guess that would be all right." "Great!" "He said he'll pick me up in an hour." "Wait, wait." "Pick you up?" "On what?" "His bicycle?" "In his car." " Oh, no, no, no, no, no." " Ooh, a car!" "Okay." "Okay, Pam, hold on." "What freshman has a car?" "He's a freshman in college." "No, Pam, I'm sorry." "You're not going out with an older guy." "Oh, Carli, come on." "She's a good girl." "Let her go." "No." "You don't get to weigh in on this." "I'm her mom." "You had your shot, and you blew it." "No, Pam, I'm sorry." "It is not happening." "You're being totally overprotective." "Why can't you be more like Grandma?" "Because I don't know how to count cards or get hit by a taxi without getting hurt." "Oh, they never proved that." "Oh, come on." "You've got a neck brace for every outfit." "I'm sorry, Pam." "The answer is no, and that's final." "Pam, sweetie, since your mom is being such a major buzzkill tonight, why don't we just grab dinner, see a movie?" " We'll have some fun ourselves" " Great!" "'Cause we're never going to have any around here." "Fine." "Go." "Enjoy." "But her curfew is 10:00, sharp." "Well, I'll have her back at the monastery by then." "Wait." "My wallet." "Well, look at that." " How did that get in there?" " Ahhh..." "And the cash." " How did that get in there?" " Ahhh..." "Why are you like this?" "Because I'm your mom." "♪ I hopped on a train ♪" "♪ My tears were the rain ♪" "♪ My freight was the pain ♪" "♪ Tulsa ♪." "Whoa." "Wow." "Pretty heavy." "I had some hard times in Tulsa." "A woman?" "I blew my transmission on my BMW." "But she was my first love." "Yeah." "7 Series." "How's it going down here?" "You guys tearing it up?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna go grab some beers." "And some earplugs." "So, are you having fun?" "This is great." "I think Nick really digs my stuff." "Of course he digs your stuff." "Your stuff is worth digging." "Wow." "You look great." "Do you always dress like this on Saturdays?" "Yeah." "You should see me on Sundays when the Lord's looking." "Holy cow!" "So, alone with a boy in a basement." "Reminds me of high school." "Except I didn't have to lock you in, and you're not crying and calling your mom to come pick you up." "Come on, Carli." "I mean, you must've had guys just lined up outside just waiting to get in." "Only because my mom gardened in a macramé bikini." "She does seem like quite a character." "Yeah." "I'm sorry about all that." "No, you don't have to be sorry about that." "I know how parents can be." "My mom had a bit of a mimosa habit." "A mimosa habit." "Really?" "Yeah." "I didn't know that orange juice came without champagne until I was 18." "That's interesting." "You know, I would've thought that you had that perfect childhood." "No, no, no." "Far from it." "My mom got thrown out of the country club for violating the dress code." "What, she didn't wear a gown to the gala?" "No." "She didn't wear underwear under her tennis skirt." "Oh." "Actually," "I wrote a ditty about her." "Would you like to hear it?" "Oh, I would love to." "This one's called "Mimosa Mama."" "♪ Never pleased ♪" "♪ Unless it's fresh-squeezed ♪" "♪ That's my mornin' mimosa ♪" "♪ Mama ♪." "Oh, my God." "That's beautiful." "Nick, don't laugh." "That's not polite." "Rob put a lot of heart into that song." "No, I'm laughing at a picture that Mom just texted me." "Of course you are, because that song is awesome." "Aw..." "She's dressed like a wench." "Oh, what, so it's just a regular picture of Mom?" "No, no." "She's actually dressed like a wench." "Look at that." "Damn it!" "She took Pam to that Renaissance fair." "Look, I'm sorry." "I have to go." "No..." "This is all your fault." "Never put a return address on a Mother's Day card." "Okay, look, I'm not staying." "I just need to go in there and find my daughter, okay?" "So..." "Milady shall not enter our Shire without first paying the King's tax." "Okay, you know what?" "I don't have time for this." "I just need to go in there and find my daughter, and then we're leaving." "Six pounds 16, and thou shall pass." "Okay." "Here's what I'm gonna do." "I'm gonna give you five bucks." "If you don't open that gate," "I actually will go medieval on your ass." "Let her in, guys." "Do it." "Go flog yourself." "Oh, go sit on your Lancelot." "Hey, um, I know this is a loaded question, but where would the biggest nerds be?" "If you are referring to the scholars of the Trivium and Quadrivium, they may be found, oh, she of golden hair," " in Charlemagne's Pavilion." " Thanks." "Hey, what are you doing after the fair?" "Happy hour at Applebee's." "You still live with your mother, don't you?" "That's temporary." "No, it's not." ""Amicus verus"..." ""Est rara avis"..." "Okay, I don't know what "rara avis" is, but it better not be dirty." "Mom, what are you doing here?" "You don't get to ask that, I do." "This is Alex." "We're practicing Latin phrases." "Can you give us a minitus alonus?" "Catch you later at the joust?" "Yeah." "You know, listen, Harry, get your potter outta here, okay?" "Mom, this is so embarrassing." "I don't care." "You disobeyed me, Pam." "You're still 14, you know." "I make the rules." "But they're stupid rules." "Why can't you just trust me?" "Because I know what I did when I was your age." "But I'm not you." "I mean, I'm learning a dead language for fun." "How much trouble can I get into?" "Nerds can still get pregnant and drop out of school, Pam." "They drop out with a higher GPA, but it still happens." "But I'm not gonna make the same mistakes that you did, because you're my mom, and you raised me to make good choices." "But you have to trust me to make them." "All right." "You're not me." "You're in a candle-filled tent with an older boy, without adult supervision, and your clothes are on, and you're reading." "Definitely not me." "You know, Pam, you have to remember this..." "I'm still your mother." "You have to listen to me." "But you're right." "I shouldn't worry about you so much." "It's your grandma I should be worried about." "Where is she?" "At the Monk's Cow." " What's that?" " The Pub." "Ye olde shocker." "♪" "So my village is being pillaged," "I'm tied to a stake, and my clothes are half ripped off." "What'll you do?" "Mom, what are you doing?" "Oh, I'm just having fun with my new friend." "This is Mike." "He's a Knight of the Venerable Order of the Sacred Ram." "And a baggage handler." "I'd love to handle your baggage." "Mom!" "Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?" "Oh." "Get away from my guy." " It's all right, Tammy." " Shut up, Mike." "This is between me and Grandma here." "Okay, whoa." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Okay." "This is my mother, and she hates being called Grandma." " 'Cause I'm only 30." " Okay." "Well, Grandma's been hitting on my boyfriend, and I don't like it." "Well, I'm not too happy with her myself right now, but she's still my mom, so you're gonna need to back off." "Oh, yeah?" "And who's gonna make me?" "Okay, you know what?" "You do not want to do that." "You did not just do that." "All right!" "You all heard me warn her, right?" "Huh?" "Yeah." " All right." "Yeah." " Oh, yeah?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "I have never been so proud of your mama." "You okay, champ?" "I think I still have a little mud in my ear." "Or maybe a piece of mutton." "Thanks for standing up for me." "Well, I had to." "You're my mom." "Even though I'm still mad at you for bringing Pam here behind my back." "I mean, if anyone's gonna dump you in mud, it's gonna be me." "Oh, Carli, Pam's a good kid." "Let her have some fun." "You don't have to worry about her the way I worried about you." "You didn't worry about me." "And look what happened." "I got pregnant at 18," "I blew off high school, I didn't go to college, and I have a tattoo on my hip that says "Jessie's Girl."" "You should have worried about me." "I'm sorry." "Maybe I wasn't always there for you." "Look, I did the best I could." "And I think you've turned out to be a bright, beautiful, gutsy young lady." "And you must've done something right, because those three kids are terrific." "You deserve a lot of credit." "Thanks, Mom." "Wow." "That might be the most generous, selfless thing you've ever said to me." "I think I deserve a lot of credit, too." "Maybe most of it." " Unbelievable." " No, no, no." "No." "Because I must've done something right, too." "I made you." "Am I gonna grow up to be you?" "You could do a lot worse." "Ah, fair maiden, we meet again." "How would you and your Chambermaid like to check out my broadsword?" "Well, I don't know." "What do you think, Chambermaid?" " I think we should do it." " Really?" "Absolutely." "♪ Fluorescent lights ♪" "♪ Linoleum floors ♪" "♪ Well, why don't you ♪" "♪ Come around here no more?" "♪" "♪ Is it because there's a "closed" sign on the door?" "♪" "♪ I've got a MBA ♪" "♪ Working in a grocery store ♪." "Well, that was, uh..." "That was pretty mind-blowing." "Yeah, yeah." "This was great tonight." "You know, we should try and gig somewhere." "No, no, no, no, we should not, because, I mean," "I'm really busy." "I gotta get these carpets and air ducts cleaned." "Are you sure?" "'Cause I have a buddy who owns a bar in Jackson Hole." "I'm sure we could play there." "He's flying out in his Gulfstream next week." "We can catch a ride with him, stay at his place, maybe do a little skiing." "And he's a photographer, so there's always models hanging around." "I mean, unless, of course, you're just not feeling the music." "We'll open with "Tulsa."" "♪ Hopped on a train ♪" "♪ My tears were the rain ♪" "♪ My freight was the pain ♪" "♪ Tulsa ♪."