""Asspen"" "Thanks for having us all over for dinner, Chris and Linda." "Yes, it was fabulous." "Oh, we're just really happy that your boys have become such good friends with our little Butters." "Yeah, we figured that if our boys are gonna be great friends we should all get to be friends too." "Friends by default." "Well, our boys do seem to be spending a lot of time together lately." "I think ever since their friend Kenny died they've been looking for someone to fill the void." "Well, our son is a perfect void-filler." "It's nice that he finally has your sons to be his best buddies." "Look, you guys, Butters is asleep." "He's such a douche bag." "Hey, you guys ever seen this trick?" "When someone's sleeping you can take a glass of warm water." "And you put their hand in it." " Yeah, and then what?" " And then you pee on 'em." "Heh-heh, heh-heh." "No, dude, you're supposed to put their hand in warm water" " and it makes them pee." " Oh, really?" "Oh, well." "And we were thinking since they've all become such close friends how great it would be for us to all go together to Aspen for a ski weekend." "Aspen?" "We can't really afford that." "No, you see, Linda and I found this ad where you can get two nights free in a condo in Aspen if you attend a time-share presentation." "They let you stay for free?" "Yes, and all we have to do is attend a 30-minute meeting." "Well, that sounds like a good deal." "Sounds good to me, let's go this weekend." "Oh boy, skiing in Aspen, I can't wait." "Hey, boys, we're all going to Aspen for the weekend." "All right!" "Wow, a ski trip with my new best buddies!" "Oh, I'm all sticky." "Here we are everyone." "Oh, this is gonna be so much fun." "I haven't skied in years." "Where are Butters and Eric?" "They're still asleep." "Butters, Eric, come on, we gotta get to the powder." "Hello, folks, I'm Phil and this is Josh." "We're with the Aspen Timeshare company." "Hello." "You folks enjoying the condo?" " It's lovely, thank you." " You guys, you guys." "You're not gonna believe this, this is so funny." "What?" "So last night while Butters was asleep" "I gave him a "Hitler"." "What's a Hitler?" "You know, when somebody's sleeping you put your finger up your butt and then wipe it on their upper lip to give them a little Hitler mustache." "You've never Hitler'd anyone?" "No, I never have." "Shh shh, here he comes." "Good morning, fellas!" "All set to go skiing?" "What's so funny?" "Nothing, Butters." "Right, guys?" "Well, we can't wait to show you what Aspen timeshare is offering investors." "Shall we do our 30-minute meeting?" "Oh, do we have to do it right now?" "Well, best to do it and get it out of the way." "Okay." "Boys, we have to go to this timeshare presentation real quick, but you go meet your ski instructor on the bunny hill." "Okay." "We'll meet you boys on the slopes." "Hey, do you guys smell that?" "Smell what?" "It kind of smells stinky in this condo." "I don't smell anything, do you, guys?" "You guys smell that?" "It smells bad out here too." "I'm starting to think this whole town smells like doo-doo." "Yeah, well, you see, that's why they call it Ass-Pen." "All right, little dudes, great to see you out here." "My name is Thumper, and I'm gonna be your cool ski instructor." "His name is Thumper?" "We're gonna take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a good time." "'Cause what is skiing about?" "Having a good...?" "Time, that's right." "Now just a few safety things to keep in mind." "First of all, look straight ahead when you ski." "If you look down you're gonna fall." "You're gonna have a bad time." "Also, be aware of skiers around you." "If you run into another skier your skis are gonna cross" "Gonna have a bad time." "So where's the part where we have a good time?" "Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here." "That's my face, sir." "Okay, we're gonna do this without any poles until we know our two primary feet positions." "To go slow, we wedge our skis together in the shape of a slice of pizza." "Then to go faster, we put them parallel like..." "French fries." "You see that?" "Pizza, french fries..." "Pizza, french fries..." "Hey, this is gonna be just like eating at Shakey's, huh, fellas?" "Okay, let's have the little dude on the end try it first." " What's your name?" " Iiiike!" "Okay, Mike, ski down to me." "Go on, Ike." "Pizza, french fries..." "Pizza, french fries, french fries!" "Pizza!" "Okay, you see what he did?" "He french fried when he should've pizza'd." "You french fry when you pizza, you're gonna have a bad time." "And so we think we can convince you to buy one of our condos that's opening right here in phase four." "That sounds like a great investment opportunity." "I'm sorry, but none of us can really afford" " to own our own vacation condo." " Yeah, to be honest, we're just doing this meeting because of the two nights free deal." "Oh, I know, that's what everybody says." ""Not me, I can't afford it."" "But what if I told you could own one of our properties" " for only $8,000." " Wow!" "For $8,000, we can buy a condo here?" "Well, you see, timeshare means you buy the condo with about 20 other people like yourselves." "You share the condo with other investors and pick the time you want to stay." "Share, time..." "Timeshare!" "So then, it's not really ours." "Sure it is, 1/24th- and-a-half yours." "You see, timeshare has made it possible for even working-class people like you to say, "I've got a little place in Aspen."" "Try it." "Try saying it." ""I've got a little place in Aspen."" "I've got a little place in Aspen." "Rolls off the tongue nicely, doesn't it?" "Say, guys, how you'd like to tell that hot secretary," ""I've got a nice little place in Aspen."?" "Ha ha ha!" "Just kidding, wives." "Listen, ah, it's been 30 minutes." "We'd like to go hit the slopes now." "Well, you still gotta come to the timeshare luncheon." "We did give you a free condo for the weekend." "Your ad said we only had to attend a 30-minute meeting." "Right, but this isn't that meeting." "The luncheon is that meeting." "Don't worry, you're gonna have a great free meal at the luncheon." "French fries, pizza." "French fries." "Come on, Cartman!" "Ah, no more." "Looks like you think you're a pretty good skier, huh, kid?" "Well, I'm catching on pretty fast I guess." "I've been skiing for 22 years." " Think you can beat me?" " Ah, no." "What's your name, hotshot?" "Stan, Marsh." "Stan Marsh." "Stan Darsh is more like it." "Ha, Darsh." "All right, how about a race then, you and me?" " Dude, I'm just learning." " Ooh." "Looks to me like you're not such a hotshot after all." "I never said I was." " Ooh!" " Ooh." "You may think you got what it takes but as long as I'm around, you'll always be #2." "See you later, Darsh." "And that is why owning a piece of an Aspen condo is not only possible..." "It's downright smart." "Uh-huh." "Oh, here it is, as promised, a fabulous free lunch." "Wow, filet mignon and lobster." "Not bad." "It's nice to feel rich, isn't it?" "Oh, y'know, this is really great." "It sure is." "What?" "You see, that's the great thing about timeshare." "You get a little taste of luxuries you can't afford." "And then share it with the people that come tomorrow." "All right, look, we've been here for over three hours." "Yeah, could we go now, please?" "Of course you can, go hit those slopes." "If you could just please show me the backs of your table place cards real quick." "Oh my God, you got the red sticker!" " They got the red sticker?" " They got the red sticker!" "What's the red sticker?" "Well, that means if you come up to the condo sales office you'll receive one of three great prizes." "No, no, no" "We did your meeting, we did your lunch." "We're finished, okay?" "Okay, okay, fine, I mean." "It would only take a second, but I mean, y'know, what did we do for you except give you a free condo for the weekend?" "Seems like you could just at least come up and see what prize you got." "Oh, all right!" " Pizza... french fries..." " French fries... pizza..." "Pizza, french fries." "I wonder where our parents are." "Who cares?" "I'm having more fun on my own." "Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan Darsh." "Oh, no." "Say, Darsh, you don't mind if I take Heather out for some fondue tonight, do you?" "Heather?" "Sorry, Stan, it's just that when it comes to skiing" "Tad has all the right moves." "I just might show her my moves tonight, if you know what I mean." "You aren't mad, are you, Stan?" "I mean, a girl's gotta look out for her best interests." " Who are you people?" " Still don't want to race me?" "I told you he was chicken, Heather." "Stan Marsh the Darsh." "All right, dude, if I race you will you leave me alone?" "Ooh!" "All right, fine." "You and me at the summit, now." "Okay." " Race, race!" " Race, race!" "Ladies and gentlemen," "Aspen now presents another extreme racing showdown." "Seven-time world Aspen champion Tad McCowski versus eight-year-old Stan Marsh." "Ha!" "You're going down, little boy." "Yeah, probably." "Do you think Stan has a chance?" "Go, Stan!" "Fries... fries." "He's got him, Tad's gonna win it!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "You lose, Darsh." "Yeah!" "Uh, Stan, you gave it your best shot." "And that's all Jesus asks of you." "Dude, I'm just happy this whole stupid thing is over with." "No hard feelings, right, Darsh?" "Yeah!" "Stan, for whatever it's worth, I think you were really brave." "Thanks, who are you?" "Hey, all the cool teens are gonna be at the youth center tonight for a dance." "I hope you'll come because you're just so..." "Well, you're just so-- Well, that's all." "Finally, we get to go skiing." "Oh my God, look how long the lift lines are." "Yeah, I guess these passes the timeshare salesmen gave us will come in handy." "Can I help you?" "Yes, we have the special passes to use the exclusive lift from the timeshare company." " Oh, go right on ahead, folks." " Thank you." "Well, this certainly is nice." "Yeah, we may not have gotten to ski earlier, but with this lift we'll get more runs in than anybody." "Have fun waiting in line, suckers!" "Oh, Chris." "Heh-heh, heh, heh..." "Hey look, this chairlift goes right into a building." "Welcome back, folks." "We've got a special new offer we can't wait to tell you about." "Oh, Goddamn it!" "Dude, it's been 12 hours." "Where the hell are our parents?" "I'm glad you guys came." "Do you like our youth center?" "Seems fine." "Yeah, too bad we're getting shut down." "That hotshot skier Tad's father is gonna bulldoze the building." "Where are all us kids supposed to go?" "Don't care." "What do you wanna do now?" " I don't know." " Let's dance." "Butters, I hate you with every inch of my body." "All right, Aspen, as a special treat tonight we're proud to have the winner of today's race," "Tad McCowski!" " Yeah!" " Oh God." "Hey, everyone." "I'd like to sing a little song if I may." "Ooh." "Oh God, let's go, you guys." "This is a song I wrote about..." "Stan Marsh." "# Staaan Darsh #" "# Stan Darsh Darshy Darsh #" "# Stan Darsh" "# Stan Darsh Stan Darsh #" "# Stan Darsh, Darsh #" "# Stan Darsh #" "Dude, what the hell is your problem?" "Ooh!" "I raced you, you won." "A rematch?" "Oh, Darsh, you're even dumber than I thought." "He'll ski you anytime, anywhere." "Yeah!" "But this time if he wins you get your dad to not close our youth center." "What?" "All right then, let's make it interesting." "Tomorrow afternoon, on the K-13." "The K-13?" "But that's the most dangerous run in all of America." "Well, I'm not chicken." "Are you, Darsh?" "I'll be there, you queen." " Oh yeah?" " Yeah!" "Oh, Darsh, you're even dumber than I thought, again." "See ya tomorrow." "You're not really gonna go down that K-13 run, are you, Stan?" "Dude, I have to." "Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you." " Screw him, dude." " Dude, he's got Heather!" "You don't even know Heather!" "I know, I know, it's" "Look, I can't explain it but I have to do this." "I'm not gonna die, I mean, how bad can the K-13 be?" "The K-13?" "You don't wanna go down that run." "That run's got a history." "35 people have died going down it, and some say you can still see their ghosts up there." "It was on that very ski run that a group of students were killed by a wolf boy who escaped from the mental institution." "You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire Wichika Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes." "Yup, a lot of history on that ski run." " Thank you." " Yeah." "Look, Stan, when Kenny died, I learned how important friends are." "I'm not gonna lose another friend." "This isn't about you, Kyle, I have to do this, okay, I have to!" "And so you see, it's the investment opportunity that keeps on giving." "How many times do we have to tell you this?" "We don't want to buy shares in a condo." "And we certainly don't want to pressure you." "Pressure us?" "You kept us all day yesterday and then had a chairlift bring us back." "Hey, you can leave any time you want." "Of course, that is if you don't want the super-secret fun prize for attending the slide show." "No, we don't want the super-secret fun prize, all right?" "We just want to ski!" "Come on, everybody." "I know, have you ever considered going in on a timeshare?" "That's only a couple thousand each, Josh." "Don't listen to him, let's just go." "My God, can you believe those people?" "I hope you don't blame me for all that." "I mean, the ad did just say a 30-minute presentation." "Let's just get out of here." "Folks, I'm glad you're back because we forgot to mention timeshare condos are still deeded properties." "Ahh!" "Ooh, you folks really lucked out this time." "You're visitors #1,000." "That means you can listen to our special offer for privileged members only." "That does it, I'm calling the police." "Mr. Ski Instructor, I need a lot of training fast." "I'm gonna race down the K-13." "The K-13, but you're just a beginner." "If you ski out of your league, you're gonna have a bad time." "I have to do this, okay, I have to." "All right, well, if you gotta get good at something really fast, there's only one way to do it." "Come on!" "# The day is approaching #" "# So give it your best #" "# And you've got to reach your prime #" "# That's when you need to put yourself to the test #" "# And show us a passage of time #" "# We're gonna need a montage #" "# A sports-training montage #" "# Show a lot of things happening at once #" "# Remind everyone of what's going on #" "# And with every shot show a little improvement #" "# To show it all would take too long #" "# That's called a montage #" "# Even "Rocky" had a montage #" "# In any sport if you want to go #" "# From just a beginner to a pro #" "# You need a montage #" "# A simple little montage #" "# Always fade out in a montage #" "# If you fade out it seems like more time has passed #" "# In a montage #" "# Montage... #" "All the ad said was that we had to attend a 30-minute meeting, right?" "And it's been a day-and-a-half." "These guys won't let us leave." "That's not true, officers, we said they could leave at any time." "All right, let me see if I got this straight." "You two gentlemen are offering part-time limited liability ownership in one of your fabulous condos for the one-time price of $8,000?" "!" "That's right!" "Sounds to me like if anybody should be arrested, it should be you people for passing up such a great deal." "That's right, you're practically stealing condos at that price." "Book 'em, Danno." "Oh, Jesus." "No, no!" "The police work for timeshare too?" "The police, the mayor, the president of the United States." "Perhaps now you see the severity of your situation." "I think we shall all sit down and listen to the presentation." "Sit!" "Now, you're probably asking yourselves, can my timeshare condo turn into a profit?" "What kind of cash flow can I realize from my investment?" "The answer might astonish you." "For over 10 years, investors have seen their" "The powder is fresh and the stage is set for Tad versus Stan on the K-13." "This time you're not just gonna lose, you're gonna die." "I can't lose another friend." "First Kenny and now Stan." "All I'm gonna have left are you two douches." "Ready, set, go!" "Pizza, pizza, pizza." "Tad's got the lead." "Come on, Stan!" "Ha ha!" "This should slow down Darsh a bit." "And it looks like Tad is way out in front." "Now I'll win for sure." "Oh dude, I can't look." "Let's see what some sand does to your speed, Darsh." "He doesn't stand a chance now." "I'm gonna beat him!" "The race is half over and Tad is still out in the lead." "Ha, when Darsh skis by here, I'll let all these hamsters go." "That should distract him just long enough for me to win the race!" "Oh, Tad." "What are you doing up here?" "Oh, nothing." "I just thought maybe I could distract you with these." "Whuu... uhh, Whoa..." " Good job, dude!" " Thanks." "You did it, Stan." "Thanks a lot, Stan." "Now we're gonna be able to keep the youth center." "Well, that does it." "Looks like the spirits of the Wakichaw Indians can finally rest in peace." "Thank you..." "Stan." "Stan, I was wrong about you." "Would you like to go out again?" "Go ahead, Stan, she's everything you ever wanted." "There you are, boys." "Mom, Dad." "Where the hell have you guys been?" "We got a little held up at the timeshare sales office." "Yeah, but the good news is we finally came to our senses and brought some shares in a condo." "So we all get to come to Aspen for two weeks every year." "Ahh!" "What's the matter, didn't you boys like skiing?" "No, we can't keep track of when you pizza and when you french fries." "And when the hotshot asshole skier takes your girl, if you're supposed to race him the first time, or train first to beat him on the really difficult mountain so you can save the dorky, but hot girl's youth center." "Skiing sucks!" "Yeah, what a stupid sport." "I heard that you were the one responsible for making Tad lose the race." "Thanks." "Yeah, well, he really flipped when he saw these." "Quaid..." "Start the reactor."