" Man, I tell you." "It is... it is hard." "I hear her... her voice in my head all the time." "I walk in the door, and she's asking me something to do." "When the... when the lock turns, she's like, "can you"..." "it's unbelievable." "I mean, it's... and then, you know, I don't have a job." "And I can't get a job because I'm constantly watching the kids." "And..." "I mean, I got to tell you, man, sometimes it feels like I threw my whole life away." " Oh, Jason, that's ridiculous." "Come on, man." "You're doing the right thing, man." "You got a beautiful family." " You really think so?" " Yeah." " Thank you so much for saying that." " Ooh, you know what?" "I'm supposed to fuck this chick on the other side of town." "So I'm gonna take off." "Unless you want me to stay here." "'Cause I don't have to fuck her." "I can stay here with you." " No." "No, of course." " Okay, yeah, 'cause I-i got to go." " Okay." " You let yourself out, right?" " Yeah." "How... see you later." " Two, three, four." " I have this joke I do in my act, and it goes like this:" "People used to ask me, "you look so happy with your wife."" "What's the secret?"" "And the secret to a great marriage is very simple, and here it is:" "One person eats shit over and over again, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and the other person soars like a bird, higher and higher, flying horizontally between two canyons, and then coming back around and feeding off the lost dreams of the first person." "And if you don't have that, well, then, you'll never be happy." "I was married for seven years." "It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do." "There's no right and wrong in marriage." "It's just what will work." " Hello?" "I'm open for business." " Yeah, I know, and you look great." "I just... you know, we've been getting along so well lately." "I don't want to ruin the friendship." "And that's not to say I'm not to blame." " Jason, you look amazing." "Ooh, seriously, though, busy." "How do you keep your hands off this guy?" " Well, you know, he doesn't make any money, so it's not hard." " I could've got a job, and I could've ditched my dipshit friends." "Arthur, it's Jason Nash." " It's Jason fucking Nash!" " Yeah, what's wrong with you, huh?" " What's happening?" " Let his kid in your school!" " I don't have much control over..." " ah, yeah!" " See, unlike me, busy knew exactly what she wanted at all times." " Jason, I can't go." "I have work." "I have work." " It's really a great quality." "Okay, so mommy's gonna stay here, okay, guys?" "And we're gonna go." "But if she wasn't doing what she wanted..." " All right." "She was very unhappy." "Isn't this great?" " It's really, really not." " And in the end, I did what a lot of guys do." "I fucked things up." " Do you have someplace to go?" " Ah!" " Hey, whoa." " Ah, ah." " Sorry, neighbor." "Didn't you hear me knocking?" " Yeah, I did." "I didn't want to talk to anybody." " Hey, I'm scooter." "Official single-guy welcoming committee." "Little known fact:" "I've had my dick out in every apartment in this building." " Scooter, I just moved in, and I'm actually going through a separation, and I'm just feeling a little depressed." " All us divorced guys, we look out for each other." " Yeah, I'm separated." " What's with the dick sweeper?" " Well, you know, we're just living in a cool part of town now, so I was just trying to do, like, a silver lake hipster kind of thing." " Mm, more like a "gargle another man's balls"" "kind of thing." "Not that I haven't been there." "HUH?" "Just fucking with ya." "Shit." "What's this?" " That's my wig and costume box, but please don't touch that." " Dude, since we're gonna be bro-ing out together, we should write a sitcom about our exploits." " Ah, no, I'm not gonna do that with you." "That sounds terrible to spend that much time with you." " Seriously, do you know anybody in the TV business?" " Uh, me?" "No." "Nope." "I don't know anybody in the TV business." " We got to find someone." " TV is what busy does." "She's a producer." "I would've loved to have done something like that, but I could never get a job doing it." "Before I got married, I had a lot of promise." "I tried to get my own show many times, but..." "Every time I get into a room with people, something happens." "So what'd you think?" "Did you like it?" " It's like hope has run so far away from this guy that it's actually gone... it's, like, sunk beyond the horizon and he's in a land of endless night, you know," "no wheat's growing, no engines are running." "Everything's dying." " I had this voice in the back of my head, and it always says the same thing." ""You have no business being part of society."" "I know what you're saying." ""Oh, why doesn't he quit and just get a job at a bank?"" "A bank?" "A bank wouldn't hire me." "I've spent the last ten years making status updates." "I'm unhireable." "Besides, you think that's the answer?" "To go work somewhere where you're miserable?" "Nah, I'm sorry." "That's... that's not what life is about." "Life is about following the thing that you're passionate about until the very end, at any cost, no matter how stupid you look." " All right, you ready?" " I'm ready." " We are good." " This look good?" " Yeah, yeah." " Okay." " That's a real gun, by the way, so be careful." " What?" " I said, it's a real gun, so be careful." " You got a real gun?" " Well, it's my dad's." " But why would you use a real gun?" "This is a silly sketch." " BECAUSE..." "YOU SEE BLACK RAIN?" " BLACK RAIN?" " THE MOVIE." " WITH..." " Michael Douglas." "YEAH." " Did you see the guns, how fake they looked?" "Looks real..." " just take this." "I don't..." "I don't..." " J!" " Hey." " What are you doing?" "What is this?" " What are you doing home?" "I thought you were at work." " Yeah, I was." "Charley had her checkup, remember?" "Why are you wearing that ridiculous wig?" "What... hi." " You know Dennis." " Hi." " Uh, we're shooting a video for a contest for a comedy website." " All right." "Well, what's the contest?" "What's the prize?" " A tote bag." "Jason, I just saw this." "Were you gonna tell me about this?" " I want to pay that." "I do." " You owe $30,000 in back taxes?" " I know." "I know." "I saw that bill." " You have to get a job." " I know." "I got to do something about that." " You have to." " I know." "You know, I'm gonna get a job." "I'm gonna get a job." "Right after we do this, I'm gonna send out some emails." " Okay, you're just..." "that's how... you're gonna send off some emails and get a... what are you gonna do?" "What's the plan?" " Look, I want to reassure you that totally responsibly Jason is here, and I'm going to grow up, starting now." " Shit, man." "This is loaded." "I forgot to take the clip out." " Oh, my God." "Jason." " You're not around a lot of children, are you?" " Ball." " I got an idea." " What?" " I want to get you a meeting at blazers media." " Oh, to pitch a show?" " No, dude." "To be a receptionist." "My law firm represents this guy who just opened this new company." "He's running this company." "It's called blazers media." "I'm gonna get you in there." " Hey, hey, I know." " My shot, dude." "My shot." " I know." " I'll pitch a show with Randy Plymouth." "That'll be great." " Randy Plymouth, the comedian?" " That'll be great." " That's insane." "He's drunk all the time." " He smokes crack." "No one smokes crack anymore." " He's clean." "He's totally clean now." " Didn't you just see he just got caught taking a picture of an 18-year-old boy on his roof?" " Yeah, so what?" "He's 18." "That's cool." " I don't think you're hearing me, okay?" "This is a receptionist job." "That's it." " Dude, Randy Plymouth, variety show." "It's a slam dunk." "What's up?" "Is that a bigger ball than normal?" "Is that a bigger size?" "Is that regulation?" "Shit, 'cause it feels bigger." " Thanks for coming over here, 'cause blazers won't be set up for another couple weeks, so I won't physically be in the office until, you know, two or three weeks from now." "I'm on hold right now." "I'm getting a shark tank." "I mean, it's a fish tank, but it's gonna be big enough to hold a shark." " Do you want to go?" "Do you want to take that?" " No, no, no, I'm listening." "I'm still listening." "So what have you been up to?" " Oh, um, you know, I've been making videos for this website." "You know, it's funny." "I was actually gonna go pitch something with David Fincher, maybe." " Adventure baby?" "I like the sound of that." "Adventure baby." " No, no, I said, "David Fincher, maybe."" "Not "adventure baby."" " YEAH, I WOULD DEFINITELY WATCH SOMETHING CALLED ADVENTURE BABY." "So that's a good idea." "And then as far as this Randy Plymouth thing goes, he's an icon." "I mean, I love him." "I've been a fan since I was six or seven." "Really, seven." "The problem is, at the end of the day, is he sober?" " Randy?" "Oh, yeah." "Randy is... he's totally clean." "He's been clean for a couple months now, and..." " really?" " Yeah." " That sounds great." "Well, I tell you what, why don't I go over to his mansion..." "to Randy's mansion... meet him." "We'll hash the whole thing out and see if we can get something going." " Oh, my God." " Awesome." " That's awesome." " That's great." " It's great!" " Now I'm on the..." "that's so great." " Okay, that's awesome." " Oh." " All right, they got it." "They have it." "Okay, great." " They have the shark tank?" " Yeah, well, it's a fish tank, as a mentioned earlier, but it'll be able to hold a shark." " Randy, come on." "You got to get out of bed." "Let's go." "You got to get dressed." " Mm-mm." " Oh, my God, you're really depressed." " Yeah." "Yeah, I am." "'Cause I haven't done any drugs in a month, okay?" "You know what that's like?" "Guess what." "I don't like who I am without substances." " Come on." "We agreed that we were gonna do this show from your house." "I mean, you were all excited to do it, and I really need you to step up for me right now." "Come on, I got to make something happen for my family." " Why do I need you for a TV show anyways, huh?" "What are you bringing to the table?" " Well, I'm a writer." "You don't write." "You don't even know how to work a typewriter." " Typewriter?" " Yeah." " Who uses a typewriter anymore?" " Well, you can't even type." "And I'm punctual." "I'll get you to meetings on time." "I'll remember when the meetings are." "I know when it's appropriate and when it's not appropriate to touch a woman's breast." " That's low." " Yep." "All right, okay, look." "He texted me." "He's here." "He's outside." " Let's go." " I'm going." " Let's go, Randy." "Let's do this." " I'm going!" " Randy, get down here." "Hey!" " Hey." " What's up?" "All right." " How are you?" " Thanks so much for coming over, man." " You remember Trisha, my new girlfriend." " Of course." "Hey, we met last time." " We did?" " Yeah." " I don't remember." " Oh." " Nice." "Oh, Randy Plymouth!" "Huge comedy boner alert!" "I've got a comedy boner right now." " Get out of my house." "I'm not up for this." " Hey, I'm a huge fan." "I love it when you play "pull my finger."" " You don't know me." "You don't know me." " Okay." "This is a side of Randy Plymouth that I haven't seen." "I like." "You guys want to party?" "I brought a six-pack and some pretty good white stuff." " Oh, my dear God." "I'll show you the coke room." " Hey, hey, hey, Randy, no." " I want to show you..." "I'll show you the coke room." " There's no coke room today." "Hey, tidal, I told you, Randy is clean." "He's a month sober." "He's doing great." " Okay, hey, so he really is sober." "Jason, you want to..." " No, I'm good." "I'm great." "It's the middle of the day." " Okay, well, now I feel like a jerk." " Oh, no, no, I'm sorry." "Don't feel like a jerk." "I mean, have fun." "That's cool." " Oh, no, I just feel like a jerk 'cause I brought so much." "I'm still gonna..." " You know what?" "This is probably not the best thing for Randy to be watching." "Randy, what are you doing?" " All right, now somebody's ready to party." " Randy, Randy..." " get the fuck away from me." "I'm not gonna sit here and..." " Put it down, Randy!" "Put it down." "You know what?" "I feel really bad." "We shouldn't be doing this in front of him." " All right, let's finish off these lines, and then we'll do a couple more, and then we'll be good to go." "Slide!" "Yeah!" " They have to leave, okay?" "The nanny's bringing the kids over." " Okay, good." " Randy Plymouth, it's been an honor." "I can't wait to make comedy genius with you." " All right." " Wait a minute." "So we sold it?" " Yeah, of course you sold it." "Hell yeah, you did." "I love the mansion." "I love the concept." "I love Randy Plymouth." "LIVE FROM RANDY PLYMOUTH'S PLAYHOUSE." "It's gonna be good." " Ah, that's great news." " Do you guys have any rubbers?" " No, I don't have any rubbers." "That was really fun." "So much fun." "Just hanging out is fun too, you know?" "It doesn't have to be all business all the time." " Yeah." " Yeah." " So listen, it's not gonna work." " What's not gonna work?" " Well, just the whole thing with Randy." "I mean, he's different, isn't he?" "Don't you think?" " Yeah, he's not, like, out of control Randy." "He's, like, super depressing." " Yeah, he's just not the same force of nature that he used to be, you know?" "Just tell him it's not gonna go, and, you know," "I just didn't want to embarrass him." "Hey, do you have any rubbers?" "Did I already ask you that?" " Yeah, you already asked me that." "No, I don't have any rubbers." " It's just a different way of saying condoms." " Yeah, I know what rubbers are." " Okay." "This is embarrassing." "I left my keys in the house." "Can you go get 'em?" " Hey, buddy, listen." "I'm..." "I'm really sorry that it didn't work out." "I know that you tried really, really hard." "And, look, I know you're gonna get a break." "I know you are." "All right, I'll just..." "I'll see you later, okay?" "I'll make dinner." "Love you." " Hello?" " Jason, congratulations." "We sold the show." " The show with Randy Plymouth?" " No, no, remember, I said that wasn't gonna work out." "NO, WE SOLD ADVENTURE BABY." "I pitched it to my boss." "He loved it, bought it." "It's a go." " I said "David Fincher, maybe."" " NO, I LIKE ADVENTURE BABY BETTER AS A TITLE." "DAVID FINCHER, MAYBE?" "Like, what is that show about, you know?" " There is no show, tidal!" " Well, you better come up with an idea," "BECAUSE YOU JUST SOLD ADVENTURE BABY." "I love hanging up on somebody right after I tell them something." "It gives it more gravitas." " Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yeah!" "Yeah, I sold a show." "Look, it's not so bad being single." "I mean, who wants to be married?" "Who wants to do half of what they want to do at all times?" "I mean, unless you have no legs or something." "I didn't want to get married." "But all I knew was, when I wasn't with her," "I was bummed out." "She was that great." "She was that much fun to be with." " It's done." "Two tickets to Springsteen, Friday night, sold out." "We got vip backstage passes." " She was on your side." "It was the best thing in the world." " Excuse me." " No, it's okay." " Excuse me." " It's fine." " I'm sorry, my husband was next." "He was just about to pay for his protein powder." " This is just gonna take a second." " Oh, no, no, I get that, you know, all things being equal." "Even when you call ahead, you still have to wait in line like a decent fucking human being." " And if she was against you..." " GOOD LORD, Jason, THAT MUSTACHE IS RIDICULOUS." " Watch out." "Oh, was that good?" " That was it?" "No, that was awful." " Even when she nagged you, you sort of liked it, because out of all the suckers in the world, she chose you." " Can't we just do something quiet, like go to a nice restaurant and look at each other and talk and eat delicious food and drink wine?" " Yeah." "We had an unexplainable connection." "And then all this shit happens, and it goes away." " So I have a fun little project for us." " Oh, cool." " I got all these architectural magazines and stuff, and I thought what we could do is, go through them and cut out our favorite tiles and countertops and faucets and things like that for the house, and you could put what you like, and I can put what I like," "and then it would be sort of like our dream book for the house." "You know, like a dream." " I'm not into that, you know?" "And quite honestly, it's very superficial." "You know, wanting stuff, buying stuff." ""I want this." "I need that."" "I mean, is that really what it's about, busy?" " I'm sorry that it's superficial for me to want to build a nice life for us together." " I know, but you wouldn't want me opinion anyway." " I do!" " No, you don't." " That's why I'm asking." " We've been through this." "You don't like..." "and I have no idea." "I don't know how to pick things out." "I pick stuff out, and you go, "oh, that's not right."" "And I just don't know." "So..." " You can like architecture and design, and it doesn't make you not funny or..." "like, you know?" "Brad pitt is an amazing actor, and he's super into architecture." " God, CAN WE STOP WITH..." "Can we stop with talking about Brad pitt in this house?" "I mean, believe me, the guy's... the guy's got rocks in his head." "Honestly, you know." " Are you kidding?" " No, I'm not kidding." "He's like a bunch of yahtzee dice in a cup." " Do you know that Brad pitt has almost single-handedly raised millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars for new Orleans and built..." " that's not hard." "I'm talking about..." "I'm talking about brains." "I mean, I'm sure he's a nice person." "I'm just saying, you know, intellectually..." " Yeah, intellectually, I'm sure you have him beat." " Well, I probably do." "I don't see him on Twitter." " When you're not just posting jokes about shitting." " Well, you know, it's funny." "It's just not my thing." " Whatever." "Fine." " No, don't be mad." "Don't be mad about it." "I'm not trying to be a jerk." "I'm just telling you the truth." "You don't want... a dream book?" "You want me to spend my time cutting out pictures of things from a magazine that we may or may not get?" "I tried to tell her that material things were not gonna make us happy, that we needed to keep our relationship simple." "And I get it." "I understand that she wants certain things." "And I wanted to give it to her." "I wanted to care how the house was decorated." "But I just didn't." "I owed the government $30,000 and had to come up with a TV show based on a title." " OKAY, OKAY, ADVENTURE BABY." "I got this." " Nice." "So you sold a show." "I bet you that burns busy's ass, right?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Ah-ha, in your face, busy!" "Boom." " Steve, we're not competing against each other." " You kind of are." " Wait, I got it." "I got it." "OKAY, OKAY, ADVENTURE BABY, OKAY?" "We stick a baby in the middle of a mall, right, and we let it crawl around, figure its way out." "People bet on it." "ADVENTURE BABY." "BOOM!" " Here's one that's better." "Okay, the baby is like the crocodile hunter, and every week it's got to kill different, dangerous animals." " Why do all your ideas involve putting the baby in harm's way?" " Hey, it's your title, dude." " Yeah." "Now in your face, busy." "Boom!" " I got another one." " Ah, ah!" "What are you do..." "what are you doing?" " Why would you do that?" "That's not funny, scooter." "Not funny at all, you know?" " You should see the fucking look on your face." " You don't go in and grab somebody's nuts like that." " Yes, you do." " You know, man, I'm tired..." "I'm tired of you, man." "You come in here, you mess with me, and then... and all you do is tell me really depressing stuff." " Buddy, I'm not the enemy, all right?" "There's this chick I've been scoping out for you." "She lives in this building." " Yeah, I'm really not ready to start dating anybody, so I don't want to do that." " I know you're not." "That's why we're doing it together." "A little two-on-one action." "You ever barbeque on the same grill, huh?" "Ah..." "Ah..." "Switch!" "Not yet." "Switch again!" "RIGHT?" " I don't know what's going on in that scenario, but, um, I just..." "I wouldn't be into something with another guy." " What?" "Dude, you should talk to someone." "You know, like a therapist." " Okay, I need to talk to a therapist." " Yeah." " Okay, sure." " All right." "Fucking weirdo." " ♪ I..." " See you later." " ♪ I sit with you" "♪ and feel that I should feel... ♪" " Hey, on Thursday, I want you to come to my therapist with me." "Really, I just want you to meet Dr. Glenn." " You want me to go somewhere where you've been going for the last two years, building a case against me, and go in there and face an ambush?" "Is that what you want me to do?" " Really?" "I thought you were more evolved than that." "Come on." "Fine." "Just forget it." " So I'm here, and, uh..." " So, Jason, busy tells me that you might have some reservations about therapy, and I want you to know that I am going to be impartial, always, because my job is to make things better for the two of you." "Busy tells me that sometimes you find her to be controlling." " Uh..." " I think that's far." " Yeah." "Okay, yeah, sometimes I do find her a little controlling." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Well, that can be a tough thing, and believe it or not," "I'm that way with my wife sometimes." " Oh, yeah." " Shoot." "You know what?" "I'm sorry." "I think I left my phone in the waiting room." "I'm just gonna grab it." "Two seconds." " Mm-hmm." " Come right back." " I will." "Of course." " Okay." " Come here." "Come here." "Listen, dude, I want you to know that I totally have your back." "Okay?" "No matter what is said in here, I'm on your side, bro." "Okay?" "Do you know what I'm saying?" " What do you mean?" " What do I mean?" "She's in her own world." "Look, we're a couple of guys." "Dudes back each other up, okay?" "We're dudes." "I'm gonna back you up." " Oh, no, no, you don't have to do that." " No, I'm going to do it." " No, no, no, that's okay." " Shut up." "Here she comes." "Oh, my gosh." "Thank you." "Sorry." "Embarrassing." " Any calls?" "Everything okay?" " Oh, no, I just didn't want to leave it because I have lost, like, four phones." " So, Jason, go on." " Um, well, yeah, she's a little controlling sometimes, in that, you know, I just kind of... it feels like it encroaches on my freedom a little bit and..." " Mm-hmm." "Do you feel that's an accurate characterization?" "Do you feel that sometimes you are controlling with Jason?" " Well, yeah." "I mean, to be fair, we have two children." "We have a lot of responsibility." " Yep." " I'm the one that..." "I mean..." " she makes all the money." " Right." "I'm over here, and I'm doing this thing, and I'm over there, and I'm doing that thing, and I'm parenting the kids, and so when I ask you to pick up milk, it's not an order." "It's not me being controlling when I ask you to come home at 10:00 P.M., as opposed to staying out till 3:00." " Right, right." "I just have..." "I'm working when I'm out that late." "I mean, I'm, like, doing stand-up." " I mean, like, hanging out in a club is work." " I don't know." " Yeah." " I don't know." " A big component of your job, as I understand it, is hanging out." "There's a lot of..." "there's a social component to stand-up comedy that is... it's being in those clubs, and that's a big part of how connections are made, getting work and securing future work." " I just haven't thought of it that way." " That's right." " Like, it was more..." " you know, I'm sure you would be able to tell busy that there's an unpleasantness to this hanging out." "You wish you could be home sometimes." "But that..." "it's all part of the... it's all part of the business." " Do you see why I love him?" "Isn't he the best?" " He's the best!" "This is great." "Dr. Glenn!" "I know I should've said something about Dr. Glenn, but it was so much easier not saying something." " I don't know." "I just have never thought about it like that before." " GIVE HIM SOME SPACE TO SELL THIS SHOW ADVENTURE BABY." "Just... he's so close." " See, with Dr. Glenn on my side, busy eased off a bunch." " It's a little bit more simple." "And then..." " I told you, you do the tiles." "I don't care." "I don't have an opinion, and I have to get this pitch done" "FOR ADVENTURE BABY." "I don't..." "I don't even know what I'm doing." "Listen, this guy's the man." "Whatever he says goes." "You're driving the ship." "And it made no sense to say anything because we were getting along better than ever." "Looking good." "That's the old..." "that's the old nightie." "That's our little action nightie." "And busy was tough." "You know?" "You needed two people to..." "I don't even think I have to come anymore." "I feel like mostly the work is being done over here." " I'm sorry." " Hey, you know, there's no right and wrong here." "We're in it together, you know." " Buddy, oh!" " Exactly." "Thank you." "Have you heard about this thing, your mourn?" " No." "What is that?" "What does that mean?" " Your mourn." "It's like, if I died, who would you go to for consoling?" "And then, like, ultimately, who would you be with?" "Like, who's your mourn?" " That's not a..." "I don't think that's a thing." " It is a thing." "I thought of it." " OH." "Well, there you go." "It's not a thing." " I'm trying to get it out there." "I think it's a good thing." "It's kind of interesting." "Who's your mourn?" "Who would... who's yours?" "Who would you go... if I died... if I died, I got hit by a truck... boom, gone... where do you go?" "Who do you go to?" "What guy?" "Go." " Ugh..." "I don't..." "Chris Olsen, maybe?" "Does that work?" " Chris Olsen." " Does that work?" " I love it." "I can see it." "He's totally successful." "And he's a nice guy." "He's handsome." "He doesn't have..." " doesn't have kids of his own." " He doesn't have kids." " Fuck." " That's important." " Fuck that." " Fuck someone else's kids." " Someone else's kids?" "Ugh." " 'Cause I'd already be dealing with you dead." " Yeah." " And I don't want the kids to have to adjust to somebody else's kids." " Somebody else's weird kids walking around." " All right, who's yours?" "Whatever." "This is the point, right?" "You want to tell me who..." " okay, you want to know who mine is." "Okay, I'll tell you." " You know who mine is?" " Huh?" " I thought about it." " Erica savage." " Ugh." " Erica savage?" "Gross, J." " Erica Sav... you don't like Erica savage?" " No, she's crazy." "I don't like Erica savage." " She's great." " No, she's not." " She's the opposite of you." "She's, like, really free." "And like... you're great." "You're great." "But you're a little rigid." "But she's..." "I would go in the other... if you died, I would go in the other direction." "I'd be like, "I get somebody free."" "Like, she's barefoot." "She likes to write songs." "She always has a guitar in her back seat." " So gross." " She loves the beach." " Yuck." " And you know I love the beach." " I do not love the beach." " Right." "So that's... mine would be Erica." " Erica savage is bonkers." "I think she's cra..." "I mean, like, do you remember that she gave back her foster child?" "Who does that?" " Oh, yeah, I think I remember something about that." "But, you know, that foster child was really rude." "She said those things to the rabbi." "That was..." " she's a child, like, an abused..." " she called the rabbi a Jew to his face." "That's..." " All right, well, I can't even..." "I don't even know how to begin with that." " It didn't work out." "It didn't work out with..." "you know, what are you gonna do?" " Jason, Erica's crazy." "Just don't tell her about the mourn thing." "Just don't..." " don't tell her?" "What do you think of me?" "You are sensational." "I was just saying to busy last night that, um..." " what?" "You guys were talking about me?" " Well, I'm not..." "I'm not supposed to tell you this." "I said, "if anything ever happened to you"," "I would love for Erica savage to be my mourn."" " Your what?" "Your mourn?" "What's that?" " You never heard that term?" "Your mourn?" "It's, uh, your mourn." "It's like... it's like, you know, if your husband or wife dies, it's like, who will be your mourn?" "Who will you go to?" "And I said, "Erica savage."" "'Cause I think we would get along great." "So..." " Uh..." "Thank you, I guess?" " You're welcome." " That's kind of an awful thing to think about." "It's pretty morbid." " Yeah, it's a little morbid." " Kind of weird." " It's a little..." "yeah, it's a little morbid." " Kind of effed up." " Sure, sure." "But I mean, you know..." " thanks for sharing that with me." " Yeah." " So if your wife dies, I'm the one." "I'll be waiting for that." "I'm gonna be waiting for that." "Thanks a lot, Jason." " No, no, that's..." " No, I really appreciate it." " Erica, that's not what I meant." "You..." "I was trying to cheer you up, Erica." "Good talk." " Jason, I want you to do something for me." "I want you to say, out loud, "I am good enough."" "Go ahead and do that." " I really don't want to do that." " Mm, I know you don't want to do it, but I think you should." "Go ahead and say it, out loud." ""I am good enough."" "Say it out loud." "I am good enough." " How'd that feel?" "I... okay." " That's right." "Say it again." ""I am good enough."" " Are you serious?" " Yes, I am." " I am good enough." " How'd that feel?" " Good." " It felt pretty good, right?" " Yeah." " Say it one more time, louder." ""I am good enough."" " I AM GOOD ENOUGH." " Now how'd that feel?" " Good." " "I am a funny comedian, and I can do anything."" " I am a funny comedian, and I can do anything." " Right?" "Does that feel good?" " Yeah." " "I can be successful at comedy."" " I can be successful at comedy." " That's right." "How'd that feel?" " Good." " Give me some more." "What else can you do?" " I can, uh, get up on stage and make people laugh." " That's right." "What else can you do?" " I can do anything I put my mind to!" "I can write screenplays!" " Mm, screenplays are pretty hard." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Too hard for you." " I just think it's really solid here." "I think we got..." "I mean, I really think we got..." " it writes itself, right?" " Pretty much, and I think we have a really good handle on it." "It's just, we need to go over a couple of these notes and..." " do you have any key points?" " Hi." " Hey." " Oh, good." "Okay, so you remember Chris." " Jason, yeah, good to see you." " Hi, Chris." "Good to see you again." " CHRIS IS ONE OF THE CREATORS OF VORTEX." " Oh, yeah." " AND WE GOT THE NEXT VORTEX RIGHT HERE." " YEAH, DID YOU SEE THE VORTEX FINALE?" " OH, YEAH, VORTEX." "We've... we watched..." " what was your favorite part?" " Um..." "Well..." " You liked the surprise at the end." " Yeah." " And the cliffhanger." " The end." " Thank you so much." " When they all ended up just being in the same place they started..." " It has huge, huge numbers." "I mean..." " Now I'm blushing." "What are you working on?" " Well, I went and pitched this thing to this guy, and he sort of misheard me." "I said..." "I said I was working on something with David Fincher, maybe." " I love David Fincher." "I've seen all of his stuff." "That's great." " Yeah." " So it's sort of like a David Fincher meets... like, updating it for..." " well, we'll see." "We'll see what the idea is..." " I SAW SOCIAL NETWORK." " Okay, yeah." " So good." " IT'S ACTUALLY..." "THE SHOW HAS TO BE CALLED ADVENTURE BABY 'cause he misheard me." " Cool." " But maybe I can..." " well, as long as you bring in that David Fincher structure." " I don't know if they'll..." "I don't know if they'll be any..." " uh, so, J... so, listen, we're just nailing out this pitch, 'cause we have it on Monday, and we need to work for two, maybe three hours tops, if you could watch the kids." " By the way, this tile, unreal." "I love that you guys are tile people." " Yeah." " We love it." "We love... we love doing what busy wants to do." "So..." " J, it's gonna be two, three hours tops, work here, and then if you can just keep an eye on the kids." "And we'll... - yeah." " We'll be done very soon." " Of course." "Oh, looks like there's somebody here." " Let me get that." " Okay." " Do you guys want something to drink?" " Arnold Palmer." " Arnold Palmer?" " What do you want?" " Gatorade." " Gatorade." "I don't have..." "I'll see if I have gatorade." " Hey!" " Hi." " How are you doing?" " Really, really good." "How are you?" " I'm doing great." "Are you doing better since the other day?" " Yeah, yeah." "You know, I thought about what you were saying, and I get it now." " Oh, my God." "What I was saying was so stupid." "I am so sorry that..." " it's not stupid, Jason." "I love you too." " No, no, Erica, that's not what I was saying." " I know you weren't saying it because you couldn't say it." "We have to tell busy." " Tell busy what?" " That we love each other and we want to be together." "I can try to get Ariel back." " I..." "I'm in love with busy." "I'm not..." "I don't want to be with you." "I just..." "I just was saying it in a hypothetical scenario." " It's okay." "You don't have to be scared." " Erica, you have to go." "You've taken this to the wrong place." " Sometimes the wrong place is the right place." " And so we have to..." "hey, who was at the door?" " Oh, uh, nobody." "Nobody." "Um, you know what?" "Let me get, uh..." " Ow." " Oh, uh, nobody." "Oh, you know what?" "I didn't get the drinks." " Okay." " Let me get those drinks for you guys." " Erica?" "Oh, my..." "what are you doing here?" " Hello." " Whoa." " Oh, Jason didn't tell you he just slammed the door in my face?" " No." "No, he didn't tell me that." "Jason..." " and that we're in love with each other." " Oh, good lord." " That's not what I said, Erica." "I simply said, if busy died, that you would be my mourn, that I would want to be with you." " I know." " Just like if I died..." " No." " Chris would be busy's mourn." "That's all I said." " Jason, I want to be with you too." "Let's just all tell the truth to each other." " Okay, I'll tell you the truth." "Busy was right." "You are crazy, and you need to leave." " Yeah, right." " Just..." " Hey, are you dating anyone?" " How do you mean?" " Erica, go." " I'm right across the street, if you want to come over after your meeting." "ASSHOLE." " She's cute." " I am so sorry." " IT'S FUNNY, THAT WHOLE MOURN THING WE DID ON MY SHOW, VORTEX." " No, no, that's my thing." "That's my idea." " You must've taken it from the show, because we did it years ago." "OH, MY God, HE'S RIGHT." "It was, like, the end of the first season, right?" "There was a whole episode about your mourn." "It was just... it was one episode, to be fair." " Yeah, I guess..." "no, I guess that's yours, so..." " How about those drinks, man?" " Yeah." "Yeah, the drinks." " Thanks, man." " Busy was around successful dudes all the time." "It was like a parade of white guys exactly like me, only they all had health insurance." "I knew if our relationship was gonna survive," "I HAD TO MAKE ADVENTURE BABY WORK." " Ha!" "That's great." " It's funny, right?" " Yeah." " So that's it, you know." "ADVENTURE BABY." "He's a baby, but he's really subversive, and, you know, he gambles and he smokes cigarettes and he fights crime." "And he smokes... he smokes pot." " Yeah." " I love that." "And obviously, it doesn't have to be real pot, because the parents of the babies that you get to play this are not gonna..." "they're obviously gonna say," ""I don't want my baby smoking real pot."" " The... uh, the cartoon." " What?" " This is gonna be a cartoon." "ADVENTURE BABY WILL BE AN ANIMATED PROJECT." " Oh..." " Yeah, I had a feeling..." " Oh!" " 'Cause we said that, but I feel like you maybe you didn't hear it." " The whole show is a cartoon." " Yeah." " So you're just drawing the baby." " Yeah, this is..." "this is animated." " I thought this was just, like, a reference drawing for casting." " No, it's not live action." " Yeah." " Okay, that makes it..." "that's a good change, because it makes it a lot easier to shoot, you know, than if it had to be a real baby." " IT'S ALL LOONEY TUNES." " Well, whatever." " Yeah." " But you know what?" "I don't care whether you draw it on a cave, whether you hand it out on pamphlets, or whatever you do with it." "I think this is great." "I really love this." "I'm so glad that tidal brought this to me." " I want to do this." " Booyah!" "Oh-oh, yeah!" "Oh, man." "I..." "I'm sorry." "I really needed a sale this week." "I am this close to foreclosure." "This is just..." "this is exciting." "GOOD." "OKAY." " L'CHAIM." " It feels good, man." "This is it." " That was a good day." " I feel like I can just breathe." " Hey, speaking of, it turns out" "Karen and I go to the same therapist as you and busy." " Okay, yeah, yeah." "Dr. Glenn." " Dr. Glenn." " Yeah?" "You guys are going there?" " Yeah." "So he said something kind of weird." ""Listen, man, whatever you say, I'm with you."" "Did he do that to you?" " Yeah, yeah, he said..." " he did that to you too?" " He said the same thing to me." "She walked out of the room, and he leaned in, and he was like, "you're a bro." "I'm your bro."" "He did that to you too?" " Yeah, he was totally like, "whatever you say," "I'm gonna take your side."" " Isn't that amazing?" "He's cool." " I got to tell you, man, I'm not comfortable with that." "That feels like lying." "We got to come clean about this, man." " Mm-mm." " This is just eating me up inside." "I can't sleep from the guilt." "We need to talk about this." " No, no, you'll be fine." " You want to say something?" " I don't." "I don't want to say anything." "Do you?" " I'll keep my mouth shut, but..." " Yeah." " Yikes." " Yeah, I think that's best, 'cause, you know, he's the professional." "I would like to make a toast to my wife, busy." "You have been incredible through this whole thing." "Thank you so much for standing by me." "And, um, you're awesome." "I don't know what I would be without you." "So thank you." " Okay, I got to get something off my chest." " No, no, no, no, no." "Ted, you don't have to say anything." " I have to." " Ted, you don't have to." "You don't have to do that." " That therapist we've been seeing is lying to you." "He told Jason and I..." "took us aside and said that he was on our side no matter what and he would always take our side in any argument that arose, and it has been sitting on my chest." "I'm SO SORRY." " Jason, did he say that to you?" " Um..." "I'm trying to think." "Did he say that?" "I mean, I thought... yeah." "Yeah, he did." "He did say something like that." " And you lied to me?" "You thought that that was okay?" "You lied to me?" " No, no, wait, wait, wait." "Now, that's not lying." "I played within the confines." " Um, I think it's time for me to take care of my side of the street." "It's truth time." "None of my part of it is real either." " What... what do you mean?" " Just blazers media, all that." "I have a disease." "I'm a pathological liar, and my therapist told me to confront the people that I've lied to." "And so there's no blazers media or any of it." "None of it's real." " We went over there." "We went to the building." "We... there was a sign." " There was a sign and a couch and books on the walls." " I mean, there are couches in most buildings, and then as far as the sign goes," "I'm pretty handy with Photoshop, 'cause I was a graphic design major." "You know what?" "That's not true either." " Ted..." " I didn't really go to college." " Ted, I thought you checked him out." " I mean, I gave him a call, but we had to cut off the Internet at work, man." "I had to cut everything out." "We haven't had Internet at the office for..." "I don't know." "I want to say three..." "three, four weeks now." "Yeah." " No, no, no, what about Marty Denman?" "Who... we talked to Marty Denman." " Yeah, he owes my father $200,000, so he'll basically do whatever I ask him to." "I mean, he'd bury a body if you guys had one." "I don't know if you..." " wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "You're a pathological liar, and..." "Then this is a lie right now." "You're lying." " This is another lie." " It's another one of your lies." "Because this is all... it couldn't possibly all be fake." " It'd be awesome if this was..." " this is one of your lies, right?" " It's really not." "This is one of the only true things I've said in three months." "It's hard to be around people who make excuses." "It's even harder to think that you might be one of those people." "And as far as my relationship, you can only fail in front of the same person so many times." " Hey, look out!" "Underwear shot." " Hey." "Hi." " Hey, did you just throw these at me?" " I'm sorry." "We know each other." "We know each other, so I thought..." " Oh, okay." "All right." "We know each other, okay." "We met before?" " Yeah." " Yeah." " Through your podcast." " So you were on the podcast?" "You..." " no, um, actually, no, I'm a listener." "So..." "So I know you through that." " Right." "So I wouldn't know you." "I wouldn't..." "I wouldn't..." "I wouldn't know you through... necessarily, unless we had some interaction or..." " no." " Do we... have we spoken before?" " No." "No." " Don't be upset." "That's okay." "I love it." "Listen." "Honestly, this is, like... that's probably the coolest thing that's happened to me in two months, so..." " whatever." "I think you're really funny." "So right now, I'm doing the dog-walking thing, but I'm also working on this astrological handbook and I'm also doing this sex toy business with my best friend, Ethnie." "But I'm also just trying to keep time open for a boyfriend 'cause I really want a boyfriend." "Is it bad to say that I want a boyfriend?" " No, no, not at all." "I think that's really good." "Say exactly what you want." " I mean, I'm not one of those women that's like," ""I must get married."" " Yeah." " I mean, I will eventually fucking kill you if you don't marry me." " Yeah, well, maybe don't say that." " HEY." "Oh, you still wear your wedding ring." " Oh, yeah, you know, I... honestly, I didn't even know it was on." "I probably should take that off." "OH." "PROBABLY SHOULD..." "NO." "She's not coming back." "Throw it away." "I really should keep it on here, though, 'cause it's the best way to not lose it." " Right." "Listen." "Let me give you..." "if I have one... a card." "Um, only if you want some advertisements on your podcast because another job I do is to help people find sponsors." "So that's my number." " Um..." " Okay." " You have a ton of jobs." " I do." "I mean, I don't want you to think I'm, like, one of those people that's all over the place." "'Cause I am a really solid person." " Yeah." "Your panties are over there still." " Oh." " You want to hear my Neil diamond song?" " Jason." " ♪ Food!" "♪ I been eating some" " Jason." " ♪ I love you, food" " Jason, I have to tell you something." "Please, I just need to say this and..." " what is it, baby?" "Um..." "When I was in Arizona for work..." "I cheated on you with Dan morrison." " Oh, my God." "Really?" " I didn't sleep with him or anything, Jason, we just..." "I was really drunk, and we fooled around." "And I feel..." "I don't know." "It was so weird, and I'm..." "I'm so sorry, Jason." "And I just..." "I've been beating myself up about it for two weeks, and I just didn't know if I should even tell you." "And, God, I'm just so sorry." "I can't believe I would..." "I don't know why I... it's just so stupid." "I'm so sorry." " Hey." "It's okay." "No worries." "Who cares?" " What?" " I don't care." " What do you... what do you... what do you mean, "who cares"?" " It doesn't bother me." "Do you love him?" " No, of course I don't love him, Jason." " Okay, so then what's the big deal?" "So you hooked up." "No big deal." "Oh, God." "You know what?" "I'm gonna go to sleep before I eat the fridge." "All right." "Will you lock up and, you know, do the lights?" "I love you." "I'll see you upstairs." "To be married, you got to be normal." "You got to care about normal things that normal people care about." "Like tile and thank you notes." "And, yes, I cared that she was with someone else." "But saying that I didn't was the only way I could have some power." "I was the shit spouse in that relationship, the person who waits for the cable guy or takes an animal to the hospital when he needs to be put down." "And with busy, everything was about her and her life." " I'm so glad that we finally worked this out and you guys could make it over." "It's great." "And, Andy, seriously, we would love to work with you on something this year." " Oh, I'm glad somebody wants to work with me." " Everybody wants to work with you." "I'm just glad that we're getting to know you guys, because friendship is so important." "I had to cut off a friend this morning." " Oh, no." " What happened?" " Remember how I told you I took a picture of my kid watching the shake weight commercial?" " Right." " So funny." " And it's like, you know, a woman is shaking a weight, like, doing this gesture right in front of her breasts." "Anyway, I put it on Facebook, I told my friends." "Like, I locked the privacy down." "I said, don't share this with anybody." "It's a picture of my kid, but it's so funny." " Of course." " And this woman put it on her tumblr blog." "OH." " A picture of my kid." "That's the ultimate invasion." " You don't do that." " No." " You don't do that." "There are so many pedophiles out there." " Right." " And believe me, I know how perverted I am." " Just cut 'em off." "That's it." "I said, no more." " Really?" " Yeah." " Wow." " Burn me once, you're out of here." " Just like that." "Just..." " YEAH." " Cut 'em out, huh?" " Sure." " Wow." "That's awesome." "You know, 'cause..." "that's so funny, 'cause, like, I mean, I don't know you that well." "But you seem... you seem so nice." "Like, it's just..." " I am nice." "But don't cross me." "Cross me once, and you're gone, Jason Nash." " Okay, Sarah." "I..." "I won't..." "I won't cross you." " SHE'S NOT KIDDING." " Okay." "J, why don't we get some drinks out here." "Andy doesn't have anything." "What would you like?" " Water's fine." " Water?" "Great." " Oh, my God." "Andy Richter and his wife, Sarah, are so cool." " I know." " Hey." "I think he really likes me." " Okay, no." "No, please, do not ask him to do your podcast." " That's not what I'm saying." "I can see the little wheels in your brain turning." " Well, why can't I ask him to do my podcast?" " Because you do it with Dennis, and that guy is a moron." "He's the worst, especially with celebrities." "What did he say to Liam Neeson?" " HE TOLD HIM HE THOUGHT SCHINDLER'S LIST WAS TOO LONG." " See?" "That's what I'm saying." "That's crazy." " It is a little long." " Oh, hey, look at you." "You are, like, king of the dipshits." " King of the dipshits?" " It's pretty..." " is that a reference to me and my friends?" " Yes." " Really?" " You are." " Yeah?" " Look, all I'm saying..." "this is my point." "Don't blow your wad with Andy Richter on some stupid podcast that no one's gonna even hear." " You know, I sort of think you owe me, considering..." "What happened in scottsdale." "So, Andy Richter, thank you so much for being here for the hour." " Thank you for having me." "It was great." "Had a good time." " Yeah, it's good, right?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "It was painless." "Painless." "I expected more pain." " I just want to say" "I SAW NEW YORK MINUTE LAST WEEK, AND, UH..." " Here comes the pain." "It was pretty unfunny." "I mean, well, when I said "pretty unfunny,"" "I mean, really, really unfunny." " WHAT'S NEW YORK MINUTE?" " It's a movie I did with the Olsen twins..." " What is it?" " A number of years ago." " Wait." "What's the movie?" " IT'S CALLED NEW YORK MINUTE." "The Olsen twins." "It was a feature film that they did, and I was in it." " I guess it was an artistic choice to do an Olsen twins' movie." "Oh, and also the Chinese accent you do is really offensive." " Wait, you do a Chinese accent in it?" " Yeah, a really offensive Chinese accent." " Nah, it wasn't that offensive." " What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" " It was kind of funny." " What are you doing?" "Why are you doing this?" "Why... why... don't do this." "This is our guest." " I just kind of brought it up." " Don't be..." " why would a man your..." "a man with gray in his beard be watching the Olsen twins' movie just a couple of weeks ago?" " Oh, why would a man your age be doing the Olsen twins' movie?" " Dennis." " No questions... why would... - just stop, okay?" "Dennis, just do the..." " Is that perv?" "Is that some kind of perv..." " Andy, I'm really sorry." "I'm just... just do the technical end of the podcast." " Anyway..." " Sorry." " Andy, it's been a great hour." "You know, Andy and Sarah were, Dennis, they were up at my house the other day." " We had a very nice time." " What a beautiful wife." " Oh, thank you." " She is..." " I hope she didn't have a little too much to drink." " She had a little to drink." "She's fun." "She's fun." " She gets a little crazy." "She likes her white wine." " Yeah, she does." " Sometimes, you know, she gets a little feisty, but you know, it's got its upside too." "Sometimes it makes her a little frisky." " Really?" " Yeah." "So I get to... you know," "I get the benefits of that sometimes." "The insistence." " Like sex?" "She's sexual?" "She's a little... gets horny?" " I maybe have been pulled into a couple of bathrooms here and there." "Which is really..." " Are you serious?" " At, like, a party?" " A joy." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I... but..." " wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "So Sarah, nice Sarah the wonderful, charming Sarah will go to a party..." " Yes, I'm... oh, I'm in so much trouble for saying that." " And pull you into the bathroom, and you'll have sex in the bathroom?" " I will leave it up to your imagination as to what we do." " Oh." "I love..." "I mean, I just..." "I love her so much more now." " Well, don't love her too much." " I thought I loved her a lot..." " Yeah." " And now she's, like, a ten in my book." " Great." "Okay." " Sarah." " Fuck!" " Fuck." " What?" " Shit!" "It's gone." "Fuck!" "Oh, no, no, no." "Don't crash!" "It crashed!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "It crashed!" "It's gone!" "Everything we just did, it's fuckin'..." " all right, so take it easy." " You fuckin' take it easy!" "You fuckin' take it easy!" " Right?" "Take it easy?" " Calm down!" " It's gone!" " Stop yelling." " Fuck, man!" "Fuck!" "Oh, fuck!" " Dennis, will you stop?" " Will you calm down?" " Shit!" "You don't even know what I'm doing!" "You don't even know what "crash" means!" " Yeah, I..." " You don't even give a shit!" " I know what "crash" means." " Neither does this fuckin' asshole." "Jesus Christ!" "It's fuckin' gone." "No fuckin' way." "FUCK!" " Is he okay?" " Oh, yeah, he... yeah." "No, he flips out every once in a while." " Yeah, yeah." "Uh, he might need some help." " He's actually really good technically." " Okay." "Um, I wanted to ask you before I go." "Uh, it's totally my fault." "I brought it up." "But could you please cut out the part where I talk about my wife and the drinking and the sex and the..." "I should not have brought it up." "I'm sorry." "But I do not want that on the podcast if that's possible." " I totally understand." "Of course." "And you know what?" "The whole episode is lost, so..." " Oh." "So he wasn't able to get it..." "he was..." " no." " It's gone." " Yeah, so I don't even have to cut anything out, 'cause nothing is..." "nothing is going out." " So this has all been a waste of everyone's time then." " Yeah." " Wow." "That... that is a drag." "That is a real..." " Yeah, I know." " I... um..." " Uh..." " And I would say "let's go back in and do it again," but..." " no, no, no, I can't." "I can't." " Yeah, of course." "No, I get it." "I get it." " All right, well, thanks." "See you later." " See you... see you later, Andy!" "We'll talk soon." "But... we'll be able to do it again or..." " no fuckin' way!" "Fuck!" " Jason, I just don't get it." "Did you really not care that I was with someone else?" " Um, I mean, I guess." "I guess I..." "yeah, I mean, I cared." "I mean, I care about you, but I mean, what do you want me to do?" "You want me to go over there and start a fight with the guy?" " I don't..." "I don't know." " Yeah, maybe." "Sure." " Oh, that's..." "that's ridiculous." "Oh, and what... no, I want you to do something, you know?" "I just feel like your reaction..." "I don't know, Jason." "Maybe there's something wrong with you." " Well, you know, I'm not possessive." "I'm not a possessive person." "If you want to go be with that guy, you go be with him." " I don't want to..." " I know you don't." "I know you don't want to be with him." "I know that." "But it's like, um, you know, this is our thing, you know what I mean?" "Like, this is... remember when we first started dating, and, like, I didn't care?" "Like, that got you more interested in me." "Like, when you think about it..." " that's really not true, Jason." "And I don't want you to get out of this by doing bits." "I want to have a real conversation with you." " Let's have it." "Let's have an adult conversation." "Oh, God." "Okay, I got to..." "I have to take this." " Jason." "Just..." " hey, Dennis, what's up?" " Hey, man, good news." "I was able to recover that Richter episode, and I uploaded it." " What?" " Yeah." "A couple of sites already picked it up, so it's going crazy." "Must be all that stuff about him having public sex with his wife, which is disgusting." " No." "Dennis, no." "He wanted that stuff taken out." "You got to take the episode down right now." " I can't." "I already put it up." "It's already out there." "I can't." " Oh, jeez." "This is Andy Richter calling me right now." "Take the episode down." "Hi, Andy." " Yeah, hey, Jason." "Uh, you told me you were gonna take that down." " Andy, I am so sorry." "I know what I said." "And it's a funny thing with me." "Things seem to go poorly when I'm around them." "Don't know how else to say it." " Yeah, Sarah wants to talk to you." " You know what?" "I don't need to talk to Sarah." "Just tell her I'm very, very sorry." "Send her my..." " You lying piece of shit." "Sad sack asshole." "You betrayed our trust." "I told you not to cross me, Jason Nash." "Uh-huh." "You're dead to me." "You're dead to me!" "And you're dead to Andy." "Tell him he's dead to you." "He's dead to you." " You're dead to me." " HELLO?" "Hello?" " I want a divorce." "Do you have someplace to go?" "What do you care?" "When you get separated, two voices go off in your head." "The first voice goes, "don't be a dick." "You're not as important as you think you are."" "And the second voice goes," ""fuck this." "This is not what I wanted my life to look like."" "I have a friend who doesn't come see me anymore because his wife is afraid that they'll hit a deer on the highway." "It's a totally irrational fear." "And he'll call me, and he'll say," ""oh, man," ""j, I'd love to come down this weekend," ""but, you know," "Megan's worried about the deer."" "And he's fine with that." "He totally accepts that as his reality." "And that's what marriage is." "It's basically what you're willing to put up with." " ♪ Hold on" " I was really excited that you asked me out." " Yeah?" "Why's that?" " I don't know." "I just..." "I feel like I've dated so many baby men." "And you're, like, mature." " Well..." " You know?" "And I would be lying if I didn't say how much I love seeing your chest hair snake out of your shirt." " Oh." "OH, YEAH." "Hey, you like the front, you should see the back, huh?" "IT'S LIKE..." ""YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK."" " Did you think that was funny?" " That was really funny." " You like that one?" " It's really, really, really funny." "Look, and I'm sorry that I was arguing with you before." "You know, I just..." "I think you're being too hard on yourself." "Like, you're a guy." "You don't want to go antiquing." "You don't want to pick out some stupid tile bullshit." "And that's just... that's it." " Yeah." " I mean, honestly, your wife sounds like a lot." "Like she was difficult." " I don't know." "That's what it is." "You know?" "Your marriage is this crazy compromise." "And, like, one person wants Italian and one person wants Chinese, then they argue for a little while, and then they just end up somewhere that nobody wanted." "So two people are just sitting in a restaurant, and they're like, "did you want this?"" "And the other person's like, "no."" "And then, like, "did you want"..." "like, "no."" "And that's why we have cheesecake factory." " You're completely wrong." "I feel sorry for you." "I mean, that... that's not what marriage is at all." "It's not supposed to be that hard." "Marriage is supposed to be where two people fall in love, and they are together." "And together, they can accomplish anything that they've ever wanted." "They can... they can accomplish their dreams." "And I'm sorry, but it sounds like, you know, your marriage just, like, it's a good thing that it didn't work out." " You really think that?" " Yeah." " Oh, you poor feygele." "I feel so bad for you, Jason." "I can't believe..." "this is such a nightmare." "I can't believe that this is happening." " It's okay." " This is a terrible thing." " No, no, don't be upset." " Oh, my God." "This is awful." "What about the kids?" "The kids." "Oh, my God." " They'll be okay." " Why is this happening, feygele?" "It... you're so perfect in every way." "You're a perfect father." "You're a perfect husband." "You're such a wonderful person, and you're so handsome." " Do me a favor." "I want you to tell me... tell me something negative about myself." "I want you to tell me." " Well, the only thing I can think of is, you're so smart, and you're so fast and your mind works so quickly and you're so far ahead of everybody else that, you know, sometimes that may be intimidating to someone." " Right." " They're intimidated by me." " Yeah." " The fact that I..." " It could be." " The fact that I don't have a job, and I owe the government $30,000." " So listen, while we're talking," "I have an appointment at saks, and I have to get..." "I have a new product that I'm promoting." "It's called delectable face." " So what do you..." "do you eat it?" "Is it... do you eat it?" " No, no, no." "It's... a pleasant product." "Delectable means to be pleasant on your face." " It's an odd name." " One of the things I'm gonna do today is," "I'm gonna interview people because I need people to work for me to promote the product." " I could do something like that." "I mean, maybe I could work for you... do you think I could do that or..." " yeah, you could use your improv skills to sell the product." "It would be great." "With your looks and your personality" " yeah?" " And you've got comic timing." "You know what the best part of this whole thing is, doll?" " What?" " We're gonna get to spend time together!" "Oh, I'm so excited!" " This is it, man." "This is it." "This is the ticket." " I think that's the worst name of any product of all time." " Really?" " Yeah." " Delectable face?" "No, it's really good." " No, it sounds like somebody's going to eat your face." " You got... you don't know a lot about words, but words..." " did you even know what that meant before you started working there?" " No, I had to look it up." " Right." "Yeah." " Nash?" " Hey!" " Hey!" "Oh, my gosh." "So good to see you." "How are you doing?" " Jeff Grayson." " Yeah, uh, Jeff Grayson." " Hey, Walter." " How are you doing?" " Hey." " I'm headed right over to the Nick Swardson show." "We're just..." " you know, I'm not in the industry, so I don't care." " All right." "You know, I don't know if you would be interested in this." "Would you want to submit for the show as a writer or a writer/performer?" " Oh, you know what?" "I'm not..." "I'm not doing that anymore." "I'm out of the comedy game, and I'm working over at delectable face." " Oh, is that... so it's like food you put on your face?" " No, it's not like food." "It's... it's a different meaning of "delectable."" "Like "pleasing."" ""Delectable" also means "pleasing."" " I always think of... delectable as, like, a culinary connotation or it makes me think of..." " there's a couple meanings of "delectable,"" "and you need to use the other meaning." "It's... you know what?" "It's really gonna work out." " Okay." "Well, if you..." "I mean, if you ever want to submit," "I would read anything that you wrote." " Thanks a lot." "That's a really nice thing to say, and... thank you." "That means a lot." " So good to see you." " Yeah." " It was nice to meet you." " See you, Jeff." "Slap!" "OW!" "Oh, my God." "What the hell was that for?" " What the hell was that for?" "First you let some guy sleep with your wife and now he's offering you a writing job?" " I'm not gonna get that job." "That job is a waste of time." " That guy was begging you to take the job." " No, he wasn't." " You got to get back to crazy Nash." "Level-headed crazy." "That's what works, okay?" "That's our friendship." "If it's just level-headed, level-headed, it doesn't work." " Look, I'm sorry, dude." "I didn't mean to hit you in the face." "I get it." "Just drop me off here." "There's a bus." " There he is." "That's Dan morrison." " Who's that?" " That's the guy busy cheated with." " Wait." "Dude." "Okay, man, listen." "This is not a good idea." "Okay, I know what you're doing." "I know I said I wanted crazy Nash back, but this is the wrong way to go, dude." " I'll be right back, Walter." " No, no, no, no, no." "It's a bad idea, dude." " Hey!" " Hey, can I help you, buddy?" " Yeah, you could tell me how this tastes for lunch." " Smack!" " OH!" "Oh, my God." "Oh." " Are you all right?" " What the fuck, man?" "Why'd you hit me?" " Stay away from my wife, Dan." " Dan!" "Dan, you got to get out here." " I'm not Dan." "I'm bill." " Almost done with this..." " Huh?" " I'm not Dan." "I'm bill." " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "What did you do?" "What did you do?" "Are you all right, bill?" " He hit me." "He hit me." " Oh, my God." "You got the wrong guy." "I'm Dan." "This is bill." "YOU HIT THE WRONG GUY." " What did you do this for?" " You hit..." "you hit a guy with cancer." "He's got cancer." " Really?" " Yes." " But I..." " we've met a ton of times." "You don't recognize me?" " Really?" " Yeah, like, 20... you came to my wedding." " I did?" " Yes." "You came to my wedding." " I don't remember." " Are you that self-involved, Jason?" "Huh?" "That you don't even recognize the guy you're beating up?" " Well, listen, you guys..." "I mean, you look exactly alike." " NOT REALLY, ACTUALLY." " NO." " We look nothing alike." "Just 'cause we're bald?" " Shut up, Walter." " Yeah, you could throw me in, I mean..." " yeah, do we look alike?" " That's enough." "Okay, shut up right now." "You fooled around with my wife, and that's unacceptable, unacceptable to me." "I'm sorry I hit your friend who has cancer." " It's okay, I just lost my cool for a second." "You know what?" "I'm in remission five years." "Thank God for that." " Five years?" "I mean, you don't really have cancer anymore, right?" "Kind of... - what?" "Yes, it's cancer." " Of course it's cancer." " Just..." "I live a life of fear." " You're kind of in the clear, though." "I mean, right?" " Not in the clear." " No." " You do kind of use it as a crutch sometimes." " All right, that's enough!" "That's enough!" "Okay, well, you stay away from my wife, all right?" " You got that?" " Yes." " Okay?" " Of course." " Or I'll come back and hit your friend in the face again who may or may not have cancer." " He has..." " I have cancer." " Definitely, definitely has cancer." " Not as much anymore." " Okay, you know what?" "You just calm down, Andy, okay?" " One day, you wake up and you realize that life is not about the big swings." "Life is about doing exactly what's in front of you at that moment." "I would get that job, pay back the money I owe to the government, and then maybe busy would take me back." "Hi, I'm Jason Nash..." " Uh, can you take a seat?" " Uh, yeah." " Jason, they're ready for you now." " Oh." "Okay." " In here?" " Mm-hmm." " Yeah, you can totally do your alien voice." " Oh, yeah, like that..." "WELCOME TO THE PLANET EARTH." "HEY!" " Jeff, how you doing?" " Hey, you're here." " This is Jason Nash, everybody." " I'm Frank." " Hey, what's up, man?" "Nick." " Hey, Nick, nice to meet you." " Yeah, good to meet you." " Yeah." "Thanks so much." " Yeah, of course." "Thanks for coming in, man." " Uh, we loved everything that you did." "You really nailed it." "The packet was hysterical, so great job on that." "Nick, uh..." " Hilarious, dude." "Hilarious." "Like, Jeff doesn't recommend anybody, and he was, like, gave me the full pitch, and we loved it." "Yeah, really funny." "Really original." "Really psyched, and you got the job, dude." " Yeah." " Congratulations." " Congrats, man, welcome aboard." "SO GREAT." " Welcome." " Oh, my God." " Congrats, man." " Are you crying?" "Oh, my God." "I'm so sorry." "I just had a really hard year." " It's cool." "Could you not cry?" "Just... it's bumming me out." " Yeah." "I'm so sorry." " It's okay." "You don't have to write down "crying."" " I didn't mean to cry." "I just... it just means so much to me." "I'm a huge fan of yours." "And I've been..." "I've been, like..." "I've been watching your career for so long." "And you're so funny." "And it's like, you know, to have you... to have you approve me..." "It just... it just means the fuckin' world." "Oh, Nick, I'm so sorry I'm crying." "Jeff, I'm so sorry." " It's okay." " It's okay." " It's okay, buddy." " It's a big moment." "It's just this means so much." "You know what?" "I'm just..." "I'm just gonna go." "Thank you." " Oh, yeah, thanks, man." " Hold on, hold on, hold on." "Stay, stay, stay for a second." "It's okay." " Oh, yeah." " It's okay." " Yeah." " It's okay." " No, I shouldn't..." " We understand." " I shouldn't leave yet." " No." " It's a big deal." " Yeah." " Take a second." "Just take a second." "There's a lot of stuff to go over." "Do you have any questions about how it works or anything about the job?" " Yeah, what..." "what are the hours?" " Um, we come in about 9:00 A.M. Every day, and we leave around, what, 10:00 P.M., 10:30?" " Yeah." " That's..." "that's a lot of hours." " Yeah, it's a full hour of originally programming every day, so..." " is that too many or..." " no." "I mean..." "I mean, yeah, it is." "BUT, OBVIOUSLY..." "I want the job." " I mean, it is a lot." "It's a lot for me, you know what I mean?" "It's tedious, but, you know." " I just..." "I worry about it, 'cause I was really fat as a child, and I actually went through a lot last year." "I lost about 30 pounds." "Yeah, and I did Nutrisystem." "So I just worry that, you know, like, I'll..." "I won't be able to go to the gym with those hours." "He's messing with us." " WHAT?" " He's doing the..." "he's saying the most... he's saying the most... not is it only the most awkward thing, it's the thing that we're also the most sensitive about." "Oh!" "It's a character." " You've gained weight." "You gained weight." "So he's making everybody..." " I'm messing with you guys!" "Yeah." "I was messing with you guys." " That is a bit." "Which is... - awkward guy." " Awkward." " Awkward?" " The most... not..." "the most awkward." " Love the show." "I can't wait to start working on it." " Cool, man." " Is this you right here?" " This is me." " This is great." " Yeah." " Great part of town." " I love it." " Yeah." "Really nice." " Thanks." " It was really fun." " Yeah." " Yeah." "I had a really good time." " Me too." " Good." "So we should do it again." " Well, did you want to come in?" " Uh..." "Yeah, I don't know." " Yeah, okay." " Yeah, good." " I'll COME IN, I GUESS." " Come in." " Come on." " I'll check it out." "Hey!" "Great news." " Jason, what are you doing here?" "I thought we agreed that you were gonna call before you came over." "You can't just walk in like this." " I know." "I know." "I wanted to come over in person and tell you something." " This is just... hi." " You... j, you remember Chris, right?" " Hey." " Hey." " How you doing?" " Good." " I thought you guys weren't working together anymore." " Yeah, no, we're not." " No." "No, I wanted to come check out the tile..." "Again." " Oh." " It's so... it's... your tile..." "I'm redoing my bathroom." "And I wanted to see a bunch of tile." " Yeah." "Came over to check out the tile." " Yeah, it was..." "I needed another look." "It's really great." " Jason, what'd you want to tell me?" " Oh, um..." "I just came from the interview." "I got the job." " Wow." " Yeah." "Well, congratulations." "That's really good for you." "We're kind of in the middle of this, so maybe I can just call you later?" "All right?" " Yeah." " Okay." " Yeah, okay." " All right." " Um..." "So I'll just..." "I'll call you on the cell?" " No, I'll call you..." "j, I'll call you later." " ♪ I am my mother's only one" "♪ It's enough" "♪ I wear my garment so it shows ♪" "♪ Now you know" "♪ ooh-ooh" "♪ Only love is all maroon" " Oh, wow." "This is great." " Rose is okay." " We have a connection." " ♪ She's the moon" "♪ I am my mother on the wall" "♪ With us all" "♪ I move in water" " you know what?" "Actually, I have..." "let me just throw some toothpaste in my mouth, 'cause I don't know..." "I don't know what's going on with after dinner right... just real quick." "I'm so sorry." "Just give me one second." " ♪ Only love is all maroon" "♪ Lapping lakes like leery loons ♪" "♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh" "♪ sky is womb and she's the moon ♪" "♪ Ooh" "♪ Only love is all maroon" "♪ lapping lakes like leery loons ♪" "♪ Ooh-ooh" "♪ sky is womb and she's the moon ♪" "♪ Ah-ah-ah" "So that's it." "I still live alone." "I still see my kids almost every day." "I still love her." "And I can make a grand gesture and go to the drugstore and buy some magazines and cut out little pictures of all the things that she loves..." "Show her that I can participate..." "And tape them all into a book..." "Take it down to her work." "Hey." "Is, uh..." "Is busy around?" " Okay, they're having a really hard time there right now." "They're in crisis mode." "So if you want to just leave that thing with me," "I'll make sure she sees it." "She needs to see that." " Mm-hmm." " So you make sure that she gets that." " Okay, have a great day." "Thanks for stopping by." "And she would know, in that moment, that I loved her more than anything in the world." " ♪ I need to bring you back into ♪" " The only thing I ever really wanted was to take care of her." "And I'm sorry if it's too late." "And she would run." " Oh, my God." "Jason!" "Jason!" "You did the book." " You did my book." " Yeah." " You did my book." "Thank you." " I could do all those things..." "But it's not that simple." " ♪ If you are serious" "♪ I'll be serious too" "♪ I'll rip your heart out like you want me to ♪" "♪ I am serious" "♪ are you serious?" "♪ I'll kiss your mouth" "♪ and you'll be better for it" "♪ If you are serious" "♪ I'll be serious too" "♪ I'll rip your heart out like you want me to ♪" "♪ Why are you laughing?" "♪ This is serious" "♪ I can love you like I want to ♪" "♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "♪ ooh-ooh" "♪ ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "♪ ooh-ooh" "♪ ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "♪ ooh-ooh" "♪ ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "♪ ooh-ooh go!" "♪ If you are serious" "♪ I'll be serious too" "♪ I'll rip your heart out like you want me to ♪"