"Subs created by:" "David Coleman." "[Music]" "Sam, come here come here come here!" "Ugh!" "What?" "Put these chips out for our guests!" "Did I miss it?" "!" "Nope." "Oh!" "Hey, Opee." "So what you making?" "Lemonade." "I thought you forgot to buy lemons." "I did." "So I'm using mustard." "Hey, what time does our commercial come on?" "Uh, well, my guy said it'll be on during "Toilet Wars,"" "probably around 2:35." "It's ready!" "Who wants mustard-ade?" "!" "Hi, Nona!" "Hey, Joker, you just missed Batman." "What happened?" "!" "Humma?" "Cat texted me." ""Come over right now, I'm dying!"" "Of excitement!" "Oh, for heaven's sake." "Do you children know that it's after two o'clock in the morning?" "!" "Yeah." "They're about to show our commercial." "What commercial?" "I told you!" "Sam and I made a commercial to help us get more babysitting jobs." "But I thought you were just gonna put that online." "We were, but Dice knows a kid whose Dad runs the Shameless Network." "So I talked to him and I got him to put Sam and Cat's commercial on during "Toilet Wars"!" ""Toilet Wars" is on?" "Ooh, I love this show." " Great, sit on the floor." " Ah!" "Turn it up!" "Yellow beverage?" "Oh, thank you." "Did this come out of a horse?" "Where is he?" "!" "He was supposed to be here a half hour ago!" "If I knew where he was don't ya think I'd tell ya?" "!" "We're not gonna make it!" "We gotta make it!" "This is getting intense." "Because ya know, we promised Mister Wang we'd have his new toilet installed in his restaurant bathroom by 7 P.M." "I don't think we're gonna make it." "We gotta make it!" "Where's Pukeferd with the yank chain?" "!" "I don't know!" "Ooh, here comes our commercial!" "Everybody shut up!" "No one was talking." " If you're a parent..." " You probably love your kids." "But who wants 'em around all the time?" "_." "You got that right." "Yeah!" "Does this kinda stuff drive you nuts?" "!" "_." "_." "So why not bring your kids to... _." "Yeah!" "_." "_." "_." "_." "Hey, Opee, that was you, boy!" "You're on TV!" "Babysit your kids." "We feed them!" "Ah." "We burp them!" "[Burp]" "We change them!" "I don't do that." "I change them!" "[Bell dings]" "We'll even babysit pets!" "Arf!" "Arf!" "So if you've got kids or pets..." "And you don't want 'em around for a while..." "Bring 'em on down to... _." "Contact us at... _." "Dot net?" "Dot com was taken." "_." "♪ I'm never that far." "♪ No matter where you are." "♪ Believe it, we can make it come true." "♪ We'll do it our way, no matter what they say." "♪ Because no one's gonna do it for you." "♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!" "♪ But I, I, I, I... ♪ I'll never say, never." "♪ As long as we keep it together." "♪ Oh!" "♪ If you're living a dream, and you know what it means." "♪ Then you can't let them change your mind." "♪ It's the life that we choose, and we still break the rules." "♪ But it's all gonna be just fine." "♪ Just fine." "♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine." "♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine." "♪ Oh." "[Music]" "Will you check our email again?" "I've been checking every five minutes." "Man!" "We did all that work to make that stupid commercial for nothing?" "!" "We got the job babysitting Mister Nowak's plant." "I don't wanna babysit a stupid fern!" "Shh." "Plants have feelings." "And it's your turn to water him." "Ah!" "You can't just give a plant sugary soda!" "What if it's got diabooties?" "Betes." "I thought it was a disease that affected your butt?" "No, it's..." "Yes, it's a disease of the butt." "Dice coming in with Opee!" " Yo." " Yo-yo." "So, did the commercial work?" " No." " No." "Oh, hey, I think Opee's getting hungry." "Ya have anything he can eat?" "Yeah, there's a bowl of chili under my bed." "[Doorbell]" " Ding dong." " I'll grab it." "What's up?" "We're looking for Sam and Cat's Super Rockin' Fun Time Babysitting Service." "Hey." "Uh, sure." "Come on in." "Hi!" "Do you want us to babysit this... uh..." "Little girl?" "Because she's kinda old." "I don't need a babysitter." "I'm here about my dog." " We want our dog back." " What dog?" "The one that was in your stupid television commercial last night." "Yay, they saw our commercial!" "They called it stupid." "That's just street talk for good." "You know, like..." ""Yo man, that girl is stupid"." ""Yo man, that girl is stupid"." "Ya hear that a lot, do ya?" "We're not from the streets." "We live in a gated community." "And the dog that was in your commercial is my dog." "Uh, no, that was my dog, Opee." "His name is Cornelius." "Cornelius?" "Look, you wanna see my dog?" "Opee, come on buddy!" "Come on!" "Cornelius!" " Gimme my dog!" " He's my dog!" "No, that's our dog." "We lost him six months ago." "Well, Dice has had Opee a lot longer than six months, right?" "How long ya had him for?" "About six months." "Well, where'd you get him?" "I found him in the alley on my way home from school." "I saw him there like five days in a row, sniffing around for food." "And he didn't have a collar, so I just took him home." "Well, Cornelius is ours, and he happens to be a show dog." "We compete in the Winchester Dog Dancing Competition every year." "What is dog dancing?" "It's dancing with dogs." "Which word didn't you understand?" "Um..." "How would you like to see me do a really neat magic trick with this bottle?" "Are you threatening my wife?" "No, I'm threatening all three of you." "And he's not your dog!" " Dad, show them the video!" " Yes, sweetheart." "Look at..." "This." "This is Alexa Bickley and Cornelius's third year at the Winchester Dog Dancing Competition." "Look at Cornelius' form." "[Applause]" "They've won the last two years in a row." "[Cheering]" "Looks like another win for Alexa and Cornelius." "Well, no wonder he ran away." "Excuse me?" "That's abusive..." "making a dog fancy dance." "Oh, I'm sorry... fahncy dahnce." "Yeah, he didn't look very happy." "And look at him now." "Hey Opee, give Dice some sugar." "Mm." "Give me, give me." "Oh." "See?" "He loves Dice." "Oh, licking means nothing." "Yeah, you probably just rubbed meat juice on his face." " No, we didn't!" " Come on!" "Hold up, wait a minute!" "Is meat juice a real thing?" "Where would I buy that?" "All right, I know how to solve this." "Ooh, Dice has a plan, what's the plan?" "Alright, so we put Opee in the middle of the room..." "Cornelius." "We put him in the middle of the room, and then we both call him, and see who he comes to." " No, we're not..." " Hush Mother!" "Let's do it." " Good." " Fine." "Let's go." " Yay." " Sit." "Stay." "Ready?" "One..." " Oh!" " Yay!" "Did you see it?" "Look at that, came right over." "Cornelius!" "Bad dog!" "No, you're a bad dog." "Get out." "Oh, you wanna piece of me?" "Yes." "Careful." "Alexa's had three years of Jiu-Jitsu." "I don't care what religion she is." "We'll be back in 24 hours with a court order and a policeman." "Then you'll be forced to return our dog." "Wait!" "I remember something I learned in Sunday School." "Uh." "There were these two ladies and they both wanted the same baby." "So, King Solo Man said..." ""We shall cut this baby in half!"" "We're not cutting the dog in half." "That's an awful idea." "Yeah..." "I guess nobody wants the butt-half of a dog." "Especially if he has diabooties." "See ya tomorrow, when I come back and take my dog." "I'll deal with you later." "Well, hey!" "At least they saw our commercial." "[Music]" "Are you sure it's okay to bring him into a restaurant?" "I don't care." "This might be my last day with him, and me and Opee gotta spend every minute together." "Right, buddy?" "Aw." "And you can order anything you want off this menu..." "That's under five dollars." "Ooh!" "Don't let him order a hot dog." "Why not?" "Well, because he's a dog." "And if he eats a hot dog, that's carnivalism." "Humma?" "Cannibalism." "It's when people eat other people." " Gross." " I dunno." "One time I was really hungry, and me and my friend Gibby were stuck in an elevator." "After about 45 minutes he was looking pretty tasty." "Um..." "Yeah?" "No animals are allowed in this restaurant." "Animal?" "!" "How dare you?" "!" "I..." "I..." "This happens to be our Cousin, Opee." "He's foreign." "But he's small, and covered with fur." "Yeah." "Because he has a medical condition called..." "Furbalitis." "Oh no!" "He came here to America for treatment." "I am so sorry." "Welcome to our land!" "I will now wave and scoot away!" "[Laughs]" "We tricked the red robot." "Aw, poor Opee." "I can't let that mean girl take him away from me." "Oh... this is so sad." "Come on..." "Dice hasn't lost his dog yet." "No." "I'm sad about that old lady who fell down and can't get up." "Yeah." "So food?" " Yeah, I'm starved." " Let's get some fries." "Hey!" "Guy..." "Oh my gosh, hi, hello." "Welcome to this place." "Would you please adopt an animal?" "!" " Are you all right?" " Oh, yeah, why?" "Because you seem like you're having a heart attack." "No, no." "No." "It's just a little hot in here." " No, it's not." " It's kinda cold." "Ah jeez, then it's me." "I should've never worn this sweater." " Oh." " Oh." "Please don't leave!" "Look, we've been to seven different animal shelters today." "Because we're trying to find a dog..." "We have dogs!" "You can have any dog here ya like!" "What is wrong with you?" "Ah, it's my boss." "He says if I don't get more people to adopt the dogs, he's gonna fire me..." "And I can't lose this job." "I just bought a used Volvo." "Please take a dog!" " We wanna take a dog." " Hot biscuits!" "But we already have a dog." "Dang it!" "Actually, our friend Dice has a dog." "Dice?" "!" "Yes, and we need to find another dog that looks exactly like him." "Ah, the old doggie switcheroo!" "I get it, I get it, follow me!" "Follow me!" "I liked him better with his sweater on." "We all did." "Here we go!" "Dogs, dogs, and more dogs!" "Just pick yourself a dipsy doodle and we'll wrap him right up for ya!" "What's a dipsy doodle?" "Ah, it's a dumb old expression." "Why did I say it?" "!" "It's no wonder I got no friends." "I think there's a lot of reasons why ya got no friends." "Sam, come here!" "[Barking]" "Whoa, he is perfect!" "Yeah yeah, that's a wonderful dog." "And look!" "His name is Dang-er." "Hi little Dang-er!" " Danger." " Where?" "!" "?" "No, I'm telling you that this..." "Why does his cage say "danger"?" " Because he's dangerous." " Ah!" "But only if you pick him up!" "So long as you don't pick him up, he's sweet like candy!" "Please take him!" "Without my Volvo, I'm just a loser..." "Without a Volvo!" "Okay, we'll take him." "Yes!" "Who wants a hug?" "!" "She does." "[Whistle]" "There ya go, Opee." "Eat your lasagna." "Yeah, just hold still boy." "Man, I cannot believe how much that dog looks like Opee." "Doesn't he?" "Ya know we had to talk to a sweaty topless man to get him." "[Doorbell]" "Ah, it's them!" "The dog dancer!" "Just clam down." " Take Opee to our room!" " Right!" "All right come on Opee, you can finish your lasagna later!" " Here, I'll get the carrier." " I'll pick him up and I'll put him in..." " What?" "No-no-no-no-no!" " Oh!" "Remember?" "!" "If you pick him up he gets violent." "Ooh yeah, I forgot, he's dang-erous." "[Knocking]" "Hold your pants!" " Open the thing." " Okay." " Come on in, boy!" " Yeah, good boy." " Open the door." " Okay." " Hi." " I want my dog." "We have a court order that says you have to give him back." "And we can have a police officer here in 20 minutes if you don't..." " Oh, hey." " What?" "Shut up." "Your stupid dog's right here." "Take him." "You're just gonna give him back to us?" "Yeah, he's your dog." "What's right is right." "Why are you dressed all prissy?" "Because Cornelius and I are performing this evening." "At the Winchester Dog Dancing Competition." " Wait, that's tonight?" " Yep." "And I'm going to win again." "You don't even care about Opee, do ya?" "His name's Cornelius and what's your point?" "That the only reason you ever wanted him back is so you can use him to win your dumb dog dancing thing." "It's not dumb, you're dumb." "Perhaps you kids would like to watch my daughter dog dance tonight." "You're inviting us to the show?" "Oh no." "But you can watch it on television." "If you can afford cable." "I hate them so much!" "Don't worry about them." "Come on, let's go get Opee so he can finish his lasagna!" " Oh yeah!" " Yay Opee!" "Lasagna!" "Yeah, go get Opee so he can finish his lasagna." "Coming up next on the uh..." "Winchester Dog Dancing Competition." "I was just gonna say that." "Yet you didn't." "I'm done peeing!" "Hi!" "Where's Dice?" "I dunno, but if he doesn't get here quick we're watching this show without him." "And uh..." "I thought you were gonna put butter on this popcorn." "Oh we're out of butter so I put honey." "Yeah, not a good idea." "Why not?" "Now it's just a corn wad." "Well, pass the wad, man." "Oh." "We're here!" "Finally." "Did that girl do her dog dance yet?" "!" " No, we paused it." " Yeah, we've been waiting for you." " Well, press play!" " I'm pressing play!" "Anyway... our next competitor is a familiar face at this show." " She is a..." " Three-time champion, Alexa Bickley." "Alexa will be dancing with her delightful dog..." "Cornelius." "Alexa Bickley, and her dog Cornelius." "Holy shnikeys!" "Cornelius is one good looking dog." "Hey, don't hog the wad." "Alexa Bickley is a favorite at the WDB competition." "[Barks]" "Cornelius!" "Strike your pose!" "[Growls]" "Strange." "Cornelius failed to strike his opening pose." "Yes." "I hate it when dogs fail to strike their opening poses." "Ooh." "And now Cornelius just laid down." "I wonder if he's confused about being neutered." "Ha!" "She's got the wrong dog and doesn't know it." "How did you eat so much wad so fast?" "It doesn't look like Alexa and Cornelius will beat Lisa and Jackson's high score at 10.8." "Her dog is still refusing to participate in the dance routine." "Yep, this is not going well for Alexa." "No, but here comes the part where she picks up her dog, and dances about with him in her arms." "I know what comes next!" "[Growls]" "Oh here it comes..." "What is wrong with you?" "!" "She shouldn't have picked him up." "Good grief!" "Alexa's dog is out of control!" " Cornelius!" " Yes, he's acting quite vicious." " Uh..." " Whoa!" "This is truly getting ugly." "You, too." "[Growling]" "[Girl screaming]" "I told you!" "[Girl screaming]" "Now Alexa's dog seems to be trying to eat her foot." "Oh, that poor girl." "Hey, make another corn wad!" "Stop biting my tu-tu!" "I can't watch this." "Well, I know what we can watch." ""Toilet Wars"!" "We gotta get this toilet working by seven!" "We're not gonna make it!" "We gotta make it!" "We got an arbitrarily imposed time limit!" "This is such good television." "Yeah... toilets are funny!" "I ate so much wad." " [Dog growling] - [Girl screaming]" "Perhaps this would be a good time to go to a commercial." "I'm being told we can't go to commercial..." "So instead let's call Alexa an ambulance." "I have no signal." "Oh, well..." " [Dog growling] - [Girl screaming]"