"Hey." "Something smells good." "What are you making?" "Turkey surprise." "That just looks like turkey chili." "The surprise comes about three hours later." "Mmm." "Good." "I got a pair of pants I want to fit into tomorrow." "Hey." "Hey, girls." "Wow, mom." "Full day of work and now you're making us dinner?" "How do you do it all and look so good?" "So, mom, will you let me go to" "You know, it sounds more natural if you pause between the compliment and the request." "Gosh, you're so, so smart." "Did I wait long enough?" "What do you want, Sophie?" "Remember my last birthday when you said that I could start dating in a year?" "I do not remember that." "Yeah, I didn't think you would, which is why I made you put it in writing." "Uncle Jack helped me notarize it so it'll hold up in court." "Wow." "I'm so happy I didn't read to you as a baby." "Mm." "Too bad you won't stop talking to me as a teen." "This says you can date when you're 15, and you're not, so sorry." "Come on." "That's just a month away." "Hunter Miller asked me out to a movie this Friday." "Well, how are you gonna get there?" "I can't drive you." "I have to work." "Oh, that's okay." "He can drive." "He's 16." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "I'll see you in court." "You know, it's really not a big deal." "My mom let me go out with a 16-year-old." "Nikki!" "Well, he was a very nice boy." "And you know what?" "It's kind of nice having a kid around who can drive." "He ran errands for me." "That's why I had bread and milk and loads of tampons." "I wanted to see if he'd do it." "Look, I'm sorry, honey, but it's my house, my rules." "When you turn 18, you can date as many 16-year-olds as you want." "You know, I take back what I said earlier." "You look tired." "You really can't do it all." "Yes, I can, and I am doing a kick-ass job at it!" "I am so tired, Nikki." "Well, if you're not comfortable with them going out, have him come here for a study date so you can meet him." "Ask him to bring a box of tampons." "See how serious he is." "Sync by hale" "That's Hunter!" "Please don't tell him any boring stories of me as a kid, and please don't do anything else that you usually do that embarrasses me." "Oh." "I'm not gonna do any of that stuff." "I've got plenty of new stuff." "Hey, did you know that I can put my ankles behind my head?" "Mom!" "And you are Hunter." "Yep, that's about right." "What's up, Mrs. Cooper?" "Oh, nothing much, just, you know, keeping a close eye on everything happening in my house." "You feel me?" "Totes." "What?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "It means "totally."" "Oh!" "Of course." "You know what else means "totally"? "Totally."" "So basically, you just adjust the coefficient in front of the chemical until the number of atoms is the same on either side of the equation." "(Peeler clicking)" "You're in Sophie's chemistry class?" "No, he's in AP chemistry." "He's super smart." "All of his classes are advanced placement." "Really?" "You?" "God, mom." "Rude!" "Oh." "No, it's okay, Sophie." "I mean, I get it." "It's probably my hair." "I-I don't normally keep it this long." "I'm just growing it out for locks of love." "You know, they, uh, make wigs for people that are going through chemotherapy." "Well, that is very nice of you." "I give all my stained clothes to the church thrift shop." "So I guess you win that round." "Why don't I go in the kitchen and whip us up some bagel bites?" "Mom, we're not 10." "Come on, Sophie." "Don't roll your eyes." "Your mom's just trying to be nice." "She does it all the time." "I know." "I used to do it, too." "I drove my mom crazy." "Not cool, Sophie." "Okay, fine. (Giggles)" ""Okay, fine"?" "I have been begging you to stop rolling your eyes for years, and suddenly, "okay, fine"?" "(Gasps) Hunter!" "She did it again!" "Tell her, "not cool"!" "(Mackenzie sighs)" "Hey, mom, how much do you know about the law?" "(Door closes)" "Oh, God." "It's happened." "Don't say another word." "I have cash in my purse." "Get in the car." "We'll drive to Mexico." "No, no, no, no." "No, I have to write this paper on the stupid court system, and I don't know where to start." "Ahem!" "Just go online." "Ahem!" "Or I could record "Judge Judy."" "Ahem!" "Oh, for God sake, Nikki, please acknowledge Jack's a lawyer before he coughs up a lung." "It's really not that big a deal." "(Chuckles)" "But if you want to learn about the legal system," "I can take you to court sometime." "Cool." "Can we come today?" "(Nikki) Oh, that'd be great." "Can you get us tickets, or should I call my guy?" "You don't need tickets." "It's open to all, because "in all criminal prosecutions," ""the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial." """ "Amendment VI, the US Constitution." "Might want to write that down." "Can you text it to me?" "Sure." "Why don't I just write the whole paper for you?" "Oh, you know, actually, that would take a lot off my plate." "Thank you." "I wasn't aware you even had a plate." "Sit down." "Let's get started." "Wow!" "Mackenzie, you have a real lawyer helping you with your paper." "(Under breath) God be with you." "So how's Sophie's older man?" "You know what?" "Hunter's really great." "I mean, he has been such a positive influence on her." "She's doing better in school." "She's being nicer to me." "Last night, she hugged me, and I let go first." "Aren't you so happy you opened your mind and listened to me?" "I have really good instincts when it comes to men." "Yeah, you dated the North Austin Groper." "Dave." "His name was Dave." "Yeah, I should've sensed that one." "He always smelled like bushes." "Hey, mom." "Oh." "(Door closes) Sophie, you're dressed so appropriately." "Yeah." "Hunter likes this look." "Oh, my God." "I get to do something I've never been able to do before." "Everyone, this is my daughter Sophie!" "Cute, mom." "I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to the library, and I'll be home at 6:30." "Can Hunter have dinner with us?" "Sure, honey." "Thanks, mom." "(Gasps) Oh, my God." "(Door closes) The library, telling me when she's gonna be home, asking permission to bring a friend over?" "So much just happened right there." "I died and went to heaven, didn't I?" "I gotta be honest." "I did not expect to see you up here." "What happened?" "I thought we were meeting in front of the courthouse after my trial let out, but you girls were gone." "Well, mom said I had to say something nice about the job you were doing, but I couldn't think of anything." "She said it was better to leave than to hurt your feelings." "Mission accomplished." "I'm sorry, Jack." "She has no filter." "Personally, I don't think you were that bad." "No, I was pretty bad." "You're always gonna be harder on yourself than other people." "I can't keep this up." "You were terrible." "You know, I don't understand what's going on." "I feel like I'm losing the jury." "They--they seem distracted." "Whenever I start to talk, their eyes glaze over like they would rather be anywhere else." "Well, it sounds like you understand exactly what's going on." "Please, I need your help." "Juries usually love me." "What am I doing wrong?" "What do we know?" "We're not jurors." "We're just regular people sitting in a courtroom, listening to arguments on both sides, weighing the evidence, and formulating an opinion." "Jack, it's not that you were bad." "It's just that the other attorney was so dramatic and charming and that folksy accent." "You know what that guy had?" "Flash and pop." "I-I don't know what that is." "Clearly." "He had these deep-set blue eyes under luxurious eyebrows." "He was wise and spoke from the gut." "It was like Peter Gallagher and Foghorn Leghorn had a baby that Matlock raised." "I can't change the way I look." "Jack, my plastic surgeon has "before" pictures of me that would curl your plain, lifeless, dishwater brown hair." "(Mouths words)" "Yeah, mom's right." "Uh..." "Maybe if you darken there, your eyes would jump out at us." "Put a little gray in his hair to distinguish him." "Oh, definitely." "Some concealer." "This is so much fun!" "For who?" "Honey, listen, take this card." "Call my girl Carla." "She'll give you a little flash and pop." "And concealer." "What the hell is concealer?" "!" "You know what?" "Forget it." "I do not need to put on a superficial show." "I have the facts and a good case." "And I have a good heart, but when it was encased in a fat, sweaty body, nobody paid attention to me." "Yeah, I never listen to fat people." "I don't know if I've ever told you this, but you're doing a bang-up job with this one." "(Keys jangle and clatter)" "Oh, gosh, you guys aralways doing homework." "Nerds." "I'm just kiddin'." "I love it." "Please don't stop." "Mom." "You know, I'm just passing through on my way to the kitch." "Oh, my gosh!" "Babysitting your little brother." "You are such a doll." "Oh, that's not my little brother." "You're kidding." "He looks just like you." "Well, that's because he's my son." "Oh, he is adorable." "(Chuckles) Excuse me." "Nikki, get in here!" "Look, I know this is a shock, but maybe there's an explanation." "Yeah, Hunter had sex with a girl, had a baby, and now it's in my living room!" "Well, there's your explanation." "(Sighs) This is not gonna happen." "Sophie is not gonna date a boy with a kid." "So what are you gonna do?" "I don't know." "What would you do if this were MacKenzie?" "(Deep voice) Don't even say it!" "Hey, uh, Mrs. Cooper," "I feel like you were a little surprised about Owen." "Oh, more surprised than finding out you were in AP classes, but less surprised than finding out about evolution." "I wasn't trying to keep him a secret or anything." "I just figured everyone knew." "Mom, what is the big deal?" "Oh!" "It's the Christmas card I never wanted to send!" "Okay, you know what?" "I'm sorry, Hunter, but I think you should probably leave." "You're being really rude." "No, it's all right." "I understand." "I'm a parent, too." "I get it." "Okay." "That's it." "Everybody out." "Let's go." "Sophie, you go to your room." "Hunter, you go to your home, and, Nikki, you go to your liquor cabinet and bring back something very large." "No, no, no, no, no." "No, ma'am." "You are not allowed to take that in there." "We have two rules in this house-- no eating in the living room, and no dating boys with babies." "The baby rule is a stupid rule." "I don't get it." "Hunter having a baby means he got a girl pregnant once, which means he can do it again." "Don't they say the safest time to fly is after a crash?" "He's scared to death of babies and sex." "He even wears a lame chastity ring." "It's kind of redundant with the minivan." "Sophie..." "Teenagers having kids is a big deal." "I know it doesn't feel that way 'cause there's teen moms on tv and all over the covers of tabloids, but I don't want you anywhere near it." "I don't want to be on "Teen Mom."" "I wanna be on "Real World."" "Lord in heaven, Sophie!" "You are 14 years old." "You have no idea what you're getting yourself into." "(Sighs)" "Look, after I had you, people were always judging me and--and saying mean things." "There was one woman in particular who was very cruel." "Grandma?" "Yes." "I don't get it." "I thought you liked Hunter." "I did until I found out he had a baby." "Then you're doing the exact same thing to Hunter that people did to you." "I don't..." "I don't think so." "Hunter knows he made a mistake, mom." "He's trying to do the right thing." "Doesn't he get some credit for that?" "Yes, but" "And doesn't the Bible say, "judge not, lest ye be judged"?" "Quoting scripture, Sophie?" "That is low." "All right." "You know what?" "Maybe I am being a hypocrite." "But everything in my heart tells me this is not a good idea." "(Sighs)" "All right, fine." "You can go out with Hunter." "Thanks, mom." "But I'll be damned if I ever send you to vacation Bible camp again!" "(Indistinct conversations)" "Isn't that precious?" "Yep, adorable." "What we all want for our kids." "Hey." "Can I ask you a question?" "Do I lack flash and pop?" "Oh, God, have you been talking to Nikki?" "(Door closes)" "You can't listen to her." "We're talking about the same woman who put eyeliner on her chihuahua." "But maybe Nikki's right." "That other lawyer is really connecting with the jury." "When I talk to them, they just tune me out." "Yeah." "Sophie used to do that to me, too." "You know what got her attention?" "Hand puppets." "Annie, this is a murder trial." "Look, you don't need flash and pop when you're the real deal." "And I know it doesn't matter what I think, but if I were on the jury, I'd watch you." "Thanks, Annie." "Especially if you had hand puppets." "Hey, mom, can I ask you a favor?" "Sure." "What's up?" "Hunter and I wanna go to the movies tonight." "Can you babysit Owen?" "Nope." "This is exactly what I was talking about, Sophie." "You're in the teen parenting world now." "You're gonna have to figure it out on your own." "Fine." "I will." "And by the way, where is this child's mother, and why can't she watch him?" "She's having her quinceañera tonight." "Okay, I am done." "(Rattles)" "Nikki?" "Hey." "Why is your door locked?" "It's never locked." "Um..." "I don't wanna seem rude, but I have a man in here." "(Baby fussing)" "And he's very hungry." "My man needs his bottle." "Nikki, open the door." "All right." "Hold on." "You're babysitting Owen?" "You are unbelievable." "Look, I know I went behind your back, but when Sophie and Hunter came over and said they needed someone to watch him," "I just couldn't say no." "(Baby voice) Wook at his chubby wittle wegs." "I told Sophie she was on her own with this one, and here you are, undoing the whole thing." "Just hold him." "No, Nikki." "I don't want to." "No, you have to." "He smells so good." "He's like a living, breathing cinnabon." "(Sniffs)" "Hold him for a minute." "You know you want to." "No, no, I don't want to-- don't dwop me." "My skull is still f worming." "Okay." "I get it." "It's a baby." "Very cute." "Oh, my God." "(Baby voice) What is that face you're making?" "Yeah!" "Do you love miss Annie?" "Miss Annie loves you!" "Yes, she does!" "You look like you love miss Annie." "Hello!" "Hey, let's you and me go home, huh?" "Say "bye-bye" to this lady." "No, no, no, no." "I'm the babysitter." "You had your chance." "You were too busy teaching lessons." "Okay, fine, we can both watch him." "Isn't it amazing?" "Do you even remember Sophie being this small?" "Not really." "I mean, I was so overwhelmed." "Matt was on the road, and my mom came in to help, which meant secretly trying to baptize her in any available body of water." "It was a blur." "Yeah, I know." "We spent the first year with Gary's family." "I barely got to hold her." "His mom kept telling me," ""don't be touching my grandbaby, white woman."" "Isn't Gary's mom an English Professor?" "Let me tell my story the way I want to." "All right, my turn." "Oh, God." "I just wanna snort him like a diet pill!" "You know what?" "That's it." "I'm having another one." "(Laughs) Yeah, right." "Why not?" "Still plenty of gumballs left in the old machine." "Oh, it's so amazing having a baby in the house." "They're just these little miracles filled with unconditional love." "Mom!" "How many times do I have to ask you not to wear my sweaters?" "You stretched them out with your big, gross, disgusting boobs!" "Take it." "Look what I got for baby Owen." "(Gasps)" "(Laughs)" "I can fit the whole thing in my mouth." "I tried it at the store." "That's why I had to buy 'em." "Yeah, that's why I had to buy a new iPhone." "Hey, mom." "(Door closes)" "What, um..." "Why are you dressed like that?" "(Scoffs) God, mom." "Eye rolling?" "Okay, you know what?" "I'm telling Hunter you did that." "Go ahead." "Tell him." "We broke up." "What?" "Wh-what happened?" "And what about the baby?" "What about these tiny, partially digested shoes?" "What about MacKenzie?" "Would he like to date MacKenzie?" "He said he can't date anyone right now." "He doesn't have time to do anything fun." "It's all about the baby." "So go ahead and say it." "You know you're dying to." "I'm so sorry, honey." "That's it?" "You're not gonna say, I told you so"?" "Or "this is what happens when you don't listen to your mother"?" "No." "I mean, I'm dying to, but..." "But I know how much you liked Hunter." "Whatever." "He was okay." "Yeah." "I liked him, too." "Thanks for being so cool about this mom." "I gotta go." "(Sighs) Oh." "Can I have 20 bucks?" "What do you need it for?" "To spend." "It's how I grieve." "(Sighs)" "Go buy some pants." "Well, we'd better get used to this." "The boy drama has begun." "Yep." "(Door closes)" "Sophie's very first boyfriend was a 16-year-old father." "I am so tired, Nikki." "Ladies." "What the hell happened to you?" "You went to see Carla!" "Now there's a man who jumps out at you." "From what, a haunted house?" "What happened to me is flash and pop." "I won my case." "But I think you lost so much more." "(Southern accent) I believe I will celebrate my victory with a coffee of the iced variety." "Still got your crush?" "I think so." "But he is not making it easy." "Sync by hale"