"Inthebeginning, God created heaven." "ThenHesaid,"Lettherebelight! "... andtherewaslight." "Then God created the Earth." "AndHesaiditwas a good thing." "Hecreatedtheseasandoceans, and filled them with fish." "HeseparatedHeavenand Earth, and said it was a good thing." "Andthenhe wenton to create his masterpiece ..." "Man." "Thank you for having created me in your image!" "Indeed,theAlmighty realized that His child ...  hadnotbeencreated as perfect as He had hoped." "Heattributedtheerrortofatigue..." "Anddecidedto tryagain after a day of rest." "Thesecondattempt went almost perfectly..." "Heobserved a big difference." "Forthenewcomer,the Lord created a new paradise on earth...  andgavehimamate ." "But... the..." "Alright,fine..." "Sorry, but you took from me one of my... ribs... over here..." "Tomakeawoman for you." "Turn around, she is yours." "Excepttotakethe forbiddenfruit... theLordgaveman  all freedoms..." "Eventonameall the  things created by Him." " Flo-wers." " Flo-wers." "Flo... wers..." "Straw-berries." "Watch out." "Sh-it." "Sh-it." " Fan-to-zzi." " Excuse me, but why..?" "Shit..." "Fan... to... zzi..." "Now what was done, was done." "Ifyouareashamed,youcould  cover youself with a leaf of ficus ..." "Athornyone." "The apple..." "Fantozzi, You disobeyed!" "Thereisno placefor you  in the Garden of Eden anymore." "That whore, Eve!" "Thusoccurredthefirsteviction in the History of the World." "Sorry, Sir ..." "but how come they don't...?" "No!" "They are different!" "You,man,willwork by the sweat of your brow...  forthemtoo, for all eternity." "Nowgetout!" "Goaway ." "Very huma..." "You are most divine..." "Goforthandmultiply... aslittleas possible!" "Why..?" "Screw it!" "Realizing he is an intelligent animal ...  hetriedto improve his hellish life...  forhimandhis fellows." "Hop!" "Hop!" "Astimepassed, things for Fantozzi...  wentfrombadtoworse." " Ugo!" " Dad!" " Ugo!" " Dad!" "Ugo!" "Where are you, dad?" " Dad!" " Here he is, Mariángela!" " Who is it?" " Ughino, it is me, your Pina!" " How so?" " Don't you remember?" "I had a horrible morning." "I got beat up by 15,000 people." "They were Persians." "Stop thinking about it." "It's over now." " Everything?" " Let's go home." " Are you sure?" "." " Let's go home." " Yes, but... are we walking?" "." " Yes." " Because I..." " I can barely stand." " I'll help you." "Lean on me." "Give me your paw!" "No, I mean your... your hand ..." "Lean." "Thatday,Fantozzi finally received from his superiors..." "Ajobthatwouldpromise great satisfaction." " Soldier, you who are volunteering!" " Eh?" "Volunteer?" "Let's just say it's more of..." "Run to Athens and tell them that the Battle of Marathon is won." " I'm sorry, but that's 42 kilometers away." " And 195 meters." "Ah, well, then... that's different!" " Whoa." " I'll get going." "Won't you even kiss Mariangela goodbye?" "A kiss?" "Listen, I'll do that at a later time." "I'll explain later." "Have mercy!" "Don't run, Dad!" "Water, water..!" "Water..!" "Water..!" "Water!" "Who is it?" "Who rang the doorbell?" "Who called?" "Athens!" "Athens!" "ATHENS - 20 KM" "Oh, Zeus..." "Oh, mommy..." "Oh, Zeus..." "Oh, mommy..." "A chariot!" "I'm saved!" " Excuse me!" "Please, charioteer!" " Yes?" " Are you going to Athens?" " No, sorry, soldier." "I'm going to Delphi." " But... excuse me, are you by chance going to Athens?" " Yes, why?" "Do me a favor, since you're headed there... take this column to the Senate for me, alright?" " No!" " And make haste!" "Bye!" "How considerate!" "I am very unfortunate..." "For pity's sake!" "The entrance to Athens..?" " Right ahead." " Ah, yes!" "Oh, mommy..." "Oh, Zeus..." "By Artemis!" "Mercy!" "Mercy!" "No, wait!" "Do not help him, or he'll be disqualified." "What the hell are you talking about..?" "Just 20 more... 10 ..." "Just 3 more..." "Just four ..." "Just 1 ..." "And I'm here ..." "Speak!" "Wait..." "a moment..." "I bring news from Marathon." " What happened?" " Where?" " At Marathon!" "Tell me!" " This... uh..." "I don't remember..." " How come you can't remember?" " It slipped my mind." " He can't remember..." " Well, did we win?" "Who?" "No." "Uhm, yes." "No." "I mean, yes." "No." "Neither." "Did we lose?" "No... and yes." "No." "There, I remembered!" "It was a draw." "One to one." " Draw?" "What is he saying?" " He's crazy!" "What does "one to one" mean?" "GUARDS!" "Arrest him!" "No, have mercy!" "I have a proposal..." "I'll make the trip back to Marathon." "42 km and 195 meters..." "I'll get more detailed information, maybe I'll write it down... and I'll return with the news ..." "TAC!" "Accurate!" "Go, then!" "Let's haul ass..." "195, 194, 193, 192 ..." "Whois it ?" " The "T.C.R.P."" ""Tax Collection of the Roman Provinces"." "Open up!" "Good day, soldier!" "My husband is not home and I should..." "No jokes, Jew!" "Render unto Caesar what is of Caesar!" "But this house is mine, not of this César..." "I have not had the pleasure ... ..." "Anyway, how much does this gentleman want...?" " It's based on what you possess!" " Nothing!" "No, wait!" "Eh... here... here... take this." "So... then Send my greetings, alright?" "To this greedy Mr. Caesar..." "How considerate, Sir Praetorian, eh?" "Very considerate!" "Bye!" "Thatcabinwashis onlypossession, together with a small plot of land by the lake." "You!" "You stand here ... and So you just stay ... well..." " Dad, what should I do?" "." " Nothing, nothing." "Just stand there, and be casual... and scare..." "You do it very well." "Come on, Pina, we still..." "Alright... so..." "Ready!" "Bring it on!" "Steady..." "Ahoy, Pina, faster!" "Heavytaxes, the Roman invaders...  shortages,andthecrows which ate his seeds..." "Nottomentionthe damnedkids  from the school across the street..." "MadeFantozzi'slifeverydifficult." "Oh, Pina!" "We did it!" "Butpeopleweresayingthat , someone would finally come ...  andultimatelyset everything right." "Do you see that?" "It was tough, but they're growing!" "It took much effort, But... they're growing... here t" "Letthelittlechildren come to me." "The strawberries!" "Watch out!" "No, no!" "Keep off!" "Stop!" "Watch out!" "Excuse me, ma'am." "What?" "Sorry!" "Pardon!" "Excuse me, but what's happening?" "We are stoning an adulteress!" "I do not like these things." "I'm leaving." "Make way!" "Excuse me, excuse me!" " Adulteress!" "Die!" " Stop!" "Hewhois withoutsin  cast the first stone." "Help!" "Help!" "Are you ready, Dad?" " It's almost done!" " Ugo!" "You must be strong." "I have some terrible news." " No!" " Yes!" " You invited someone to dinner?" "No." "Rebecca passed by and brought us dire news." " What happened?" " Your uncle..." " Died." " No!" " Yes!" " NO!" " YES!" " NO!" " YES!" "YEESSSSSSSSS!" "Uncle is dead!" "We're rich!" "We are the sole heirs!" "We are the sole heirs!" "Away with this disgusting house!" "Burn!" "Who cares?" "!" "We'll buy another house!" "Out with this dump!" "We'll eat roasted venison for the rest of our lives!" "And then I will find a good husband for Marian-- maybe..." " A... a dowry hunter." " Yes!" "Anyway, uncle Lazarus is dead!" "We're rich!" "Uncle Lazaro is dead!" "He's dead!" "Here I am!" "Come on!" "Here we are!" " Come!" " Come, Mariángela." " Come, little one!" " Easy..." " This is my family!" "We are the heirs!" "I inherited all!" "I am the heir!" "And you are the notary, yes?" "Did you bring documentation ...?" " What's happening?" " Lazarus!" "Rise up and walk!" "Walk?" "Wait, who..?" "Who will walk?" "Is he crazy?" "Look, he's dead..." "like ..." "But... is..." "is the guy... he's the guy..." "Notary!" "Notary!" "Please listen!" "It's not fair!" "I already..." "made some upfront payments..." "Uhm..." "Hi, Uncle... he..." "he doesn't shake hands." "You look... well?" " Ugo, don't dwell on it." " No, and who dwells on anything?" "Who cares." "Let's go home!" "To what house?" "The house with the garden." "Reducedtouttermisery, Fantozzi accepted help...  fromhisoldfriend, Moses Filini ...  whohiredhim as an apprentice in his workshop..." "Theymovedto Jerusalem." " That would be all..." " Look!" "Look!" "Look!" "Oh, tell me..." "Does this require a finishing touch?" "Yes, it does." "Let's check." "Another small touch?" " NO!" "No..." " Are you alright?" " Yes, I'm fine!" " Then come, Fantozzi!" "." " Quickly!" "Hurry!" " Excuse me, but can I put a hat on?" " Excuse me?" " Like, a turban or something..." " Why?" " I am ashamed of this..." " Of what?" " This... spot here..." " Alright." " Well, thanks." " Put a hat on." " Doing that." "Come on, Fantozzi, stop wasting time." "The judge told me that the next... watch out!" " Sorry, my bad!" " Be careful!" " I gave you a cross in the face." " Whoa, whoa..." " Ah, the address." "Do you remember it?" " Yes, Via..." " Via..?" " I don't remember the name." "It was Via ..." " Via Crucis 8." " Eight." " Whoa!" " And get the money, please." " Okay." "Don't you lose it on the street like last time!" " Here we go." " What's going on?" " Hurry up!" "Excuse me." "Pardon me!" "Pardon me!" " What's happening?" " They caught two thieves." "I see!" "Very well done!" "Pardon me..." " I will continue..." " Scoundrel!" "What are you doing here?" "!" "Get in line with the others!" " Come on!" " But I was..." " COME ON!" "Where are we going..?" "Conscriptedforan awful and futile crusade to the Holy Land," "Fantozzi finally got back home." "After12years of total sexual abstinence,  withtheexceptionofa  fleeting and violent romance  withthefierceSaladin:but even that had left untouched  thedesireto see his beloved wife again." " Pina!" "Pina!" " That's my wife, asshole!" "Here it is!" "Here's our door!" "Pina!" "Here I am!" "Open up!" "Pina!" "Wh-what did they do to you..?" " Ugo!" " Woman!" " But... wh-what... is that?" " It's your little girl." "Welcome home, Dad!" " Hi there." " It's your daughter Mariángela," "She became a woman!" "A woman ..." " Ugo!" " Huh?" " So happy to have you back!" "Pina, TWELVE years!" "The monke-- the little girl." "Wait." "Come here, child." "Go play with other monke-- brats." "Go play outside and return tonight!" "The lights..." "Mmm ..." "TWELVE years!" "Come here!" "Pina!" "Pina!" "Pina... mmm!" "Pina, I'll split you in half like an APPLE!" "The chastity belt!" " Do you have the key?" " Help!" "The key!" "Ugo, did you lose it?" "Wasn't there a duplicate of the damned key?" "No!" "Wait, maybe Filinus, the blacksmith, has one." "He made it!" " Filinus!" " Who is it?" "It's me!" "Ah, Fantozzi, welcome!" "How's it going?" "Hey, sorry... but..." "I need... to..." " I don't get it." " It's been 12 years since..." " 12 years old..?" "No?" " The key!" " What key?" "For the chastity belt of my wife!" "Ah, I understand!" "Hold on, I have to finish this little job." "Can you do me a small favor?" "It will be just a second." "You have good eyes... could you check if this iron is straightened?" " No!" " Why?" " I don't know why..." "I said no..." " Are you refusing to do me a favor?" " Come on, check!" "Check!" "." " No, no, no..." " Check." " Excuse me..." " I would give a tap... here." " Where?" "Look, right here." " How's it doing?" " Pretty well." "Take these keys." "One might fit." " And if not, I'll bring pliers." " NO!" "I prefer..." "The keys?" "All right." "Here they are." " Now I..." " Ah, how's the finger?" "Let me see." " Well, well." " Excuse me..." "Tell me about it later!" "Where are you going, lousy pig?" "Do you not know who is inside?" "No, who is it?" " Princess, shall we flog him?" " Yes... yes!" "20... even 25 lashes!" "I deserve them!" "No." "These days should be of celebration and joy." "I forgive you." "Come on!" "The handkerchief!" "ShewasPrincessSerbelloni Mazzanti Viendalmare," "Thedaughterof theprince, who at that time had organized  a great tournament to give her hand in marriage toa braveKnightwho  would defeat every opponent." "Fantozzifellmonstroulyinlove ." "Devouredcompletely by that mad passion," "Hestoppedsleeping," "Hestoppedeating" " Ugo, why don't you eat?" " Huh?" "Leave me alone!" "andfinally,duringnightswith  a full moon, he began to howl." "KNOCKITOFF!" "Until,realizingthesheer impossibility of this love...  hedecidedto  end his suffering." "Excalabar." "Excansoar." "Exquicibut." "Excansala." "Excalibur,youmoron!" " Thank you!" "Excaliburwasthemagical, invincible sword  guarded by the Lake's Magician." "But... sorry..." "but... for me..?" "Money?" "Ah, I understand." "How much?" "Five?" "Well, excuse me for a second." "But, could you turn around?" "Because, you know, I don't trust people and... here, I got the money." "But there is a problem." "I only have a 10-piece..." "Alright." "There you go." "Give it to me!" "Here it is!" "Here it is!" "But, sorry..." "What about my change?" "Ah, no change." "Alright." "Ecubitus!" "Trumbulus!" "Escarmity!" "Excalibur,youmoron!" "Yes... but don't insult me in front of the sword." "With the magic sword, I will win the tournament and the Princess will be mine!" "TheRedDragonwas the winged sign of the terrible knight  whowasacrowdfavorite and was expected to win." "Here it is!" "Here it is!" "Orderofdemolition:" "Bull, Unicorn, Hydra, Eagle." "Andfinally Fantozzi's turn!" "Itwasthesymbolofthe catering and BBQ service "Spiedo"" "whowasFantozzi'ssponsor for the competition." "You're up next!" "Come on!" "Fantozzi'sarmor:" "Awindvaneasa helmetplume , ahorridvikinghelmet with zero peripheral visibility,  astolenbronzesuspenderfrom  the statue of Pepin the Short,  andonhisfeet," "Molten-leadcastironingimplements." "Fantozzi'sarmor's total weight:" "432kilosand7anda halfounces ." " What do I do?" "Do I release?" " Release!" "Your turn!" "Quick give me the sword." " What sword?" "The lance goes first!" " No, no, no..." " I want only the sword." " No, the lance, the lance!" "They will not change the rules." "You will first use the lance, and later, the sword." "Here you go." "But I wanted the sword..." "Thank you." "Yay dad!" "Go!" "Come on..." "Excubidus!" "Excacibus!" "Exqui..." "Excalibur" " Thank you." "Come, come!" "I'm not afraid of you!" "Ugo!" " Go dad!" " Ugo, hang on!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Come on!" "This sword isn't working!" "The Lord of the Lake scammed me!" "I suspect that you are a little angry with me..." "TIME OUT!" "I need a one year time out..." "Enough!" "Pina, it's halftime!" "I'm saved!" " Die, piece of shit!" " I asked for a time out!" " You're not playing fair!" " Die, fucking commoner!" "Rubbish!" "Faggot!" "Die, scum!" "Scoundrel!" "Ouch!" "Ugo, take this!" "This is the true sword!" "Forgive me!" "I did it because I love you!" "I don't care if you divorce me, it's better than seeing you dead!" " Excalibur!" "Verygood." "Thanks." "Finish him!" "Now let's see who is the piece of shit!" "You're scared now, huh?" "Come here!" "Pig!" "Commoner!" "I'll teach you!" "Come here!" "Poof!" "Scum!" "Commoner!" "Poof!" "Mercy!" "Victory!" "Victory!" "My Daddy!" "That's my Daddy!" "No, don't go!" "Stop!" " But it's my dad!" " Stop it!" "Dad is no longer ours." " I will not marry that rat." " You will lose all your privileges, then." "My word is sacred." "This is your wife." "Thank you." "But I do not want her." "I'm happily married." "Pina!" "Wait for me!" "Come here!" "Ugo!" "Ugo!" "Ugo!" "This is my wife... and I..." "I hold her in the highest esteem." "In addition, she gave me a Beaut--...iful daughter." " Yes." " So you are rejecting me?" " No offense." " Why did you enter the tournament then?" "For pure sportsmanship." "Come on, Melisande." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " Thank you Ugo, I respect you so much." "Excuse me, excuse me!" "Here is the winner of this tournament!" "Let us carry our champion in triumph!" "Slowly, slowly..." "I weigh a ton!" "The food is ready!" "END OF PART ONE" "PART TWO" "Fantozzi,becauseof  a terrible financial crisis  fellintoabjectpoverty." "A penny!" "Give me a penny!" "Mercy!" "I am poor!" "I am poor!" "Who's there?" "But... what's happening?" "I am Robin Hood." "I rob the rich and give to the poor." "Thank you!" "Pina!" "Money!" "Look here!" "Look how wonderful!" "Misery is over!" "We're rich!" "We're rich!" "We are ri" "What are you doing?" "I am Robin Hood." "I rob the rich and give to the poor." "It hasn't even been 20 minutes!" "Death to the aristocrats!" "If I catch you, I'll break your ass!" "Asshole!" "If I catch you, I'll kill you!" "Death!" "Death!" "To the guillotine!" "To the guillotine!" "Death to the aristocrat!" "Death!" "Death!" "Cuckold!" "Piece of Shit!" "Kill him!" "Damn, citizen Fantozzi, The blade is stuck!" "Death!" "Kill him!" "Now they will pardon him!" "If so, citizens!" " Damn." " Allow me..." "What pardon?" "What pardon?" "Excuse me... allow me..." "Come on!" "Do something with this son of a bitch Come on!" " No, Ugo!" " Move over!" "I'll take care of this!" "Come on!" "Move it!" "Shit, it's stuck!" "Out, out, I'll take it!" "Come on!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Wait a minute." "How the hell...?" "Wait!" "Excuse me..." "Wait a second ..." "Out, out!" "Piece of shit aristocrat!" "Let me!" "Bitch of a guillotine." "How the fuck does it work?" "Damn guillotine... that won't work!" "Damn guillotine..." "Withthepowerful recommendation  andthegoodoffices of Cardinal Ortona Natta  whofanciedhimmonstrously" "Fantozzi,finallygot assigned an apartment  alongthewallsof the Papal State, in Porta Pia." "This is our home." "Pina, take this portrait of Father Ortona Natta, and you, Mariángela... carry this, and I've ... the ... the ... the ..." "What IS this..?" "This is a special bottle!" "Today I want to celebrate!" "Today is a big day!" "Mariángela, stay here." "The glasses!" "The glasses!" "Today is a great day!" "Today, September 20, 1870..." " What's happening, Ugo?" " Celebration!" "Fireworks!" "However, today is a great day" "Because finally, the Fantozzis have a home!" "Viva!" "A toast!" "Theywerein thediningroom  right on the front line of Porta Pia." "Hey!" "The... bott--... bott- forgot..." "Did you see?" "Such a hole!" "Withtheannexation of Rome...  totheKingdomofItaly, management changed  butFantozzi'slifedid not ." "Watch out!" "Up..!" "AlthoughtheMayorchanged from the ferocious Cardinal Ravelli Carta...  totheTurinknight" "GreatChantapuf.,Hom.,Lob .," "DukeModestinoBalabam." "Let's go." "Hetriedto have Garibaldi poisoned  gainingthesympathy of Count Cavour." "Then,throughMasonicintrigues and terrible machinations" "Heestablishedabrilliantcareer, whilealsostillabletocultivate his great passion: rowing ." "ThefoundingmemberofthePoRiver Rowing Club, he wanted to found a similar one  ontheTevereriver." "You Romans are nothing more than spineless mollusks." "And worst of all, you're all priest-butt kissers!" "But this ends NOW!" " Do you like rowing?" " Yes!" "It's wonderful." "Yes!" "My motto is: "Rowing in Rome"!" "That's my motto!" "So... you are experts." "Well... well..." "Can you prove it?" " I need a volunteer." "You!" " Me?" " No, behind you." " Me?" "No, further back." " Behind thi" " ME?" " Come here, moron." " I've chosen." " Me?" " The Expert!" " Wait, what..?" " Well, well." "This... uh..." "You are the expert in rowing?" "If... almost... sort of..." "more of a... pretty much." " Sit." " Thank you." " But... there's... no... no chair." " SIT!" "Thank you." " Here I am." "Comfy." " What are you doing?" "You told me to sit down and..." "I didn't see the chair." "Sorry." "I'm coming." "God, it weighs a ton!" "I'm going to throw up!" "HELP ME!" "They are slightly heavy chairs..." "Eh..." "What is a "scalmo"?" "(EN - "Rowlock": a brace that attaches an oar to a boat.)" "It's a man who ..." "lost some ... hair?" "(IT - "calvo")" "If you do not know, do not make shit up!" "." "Tell me then..." "who invented the boat?" "That... that..." " Yes?" " Francesca of Rimini." "Francesca of Rimini?" "!" "She said a young..." "It is a rumor." "I overheard it." "Now, excuse me..." "Can you ask another question?" "I want to leave a good impression." "Last question." ""Eight rowers Iole"..?" "(A type of boat)" "Ah, yes!" "Terrific!" "This is... is easy." "So... (gibberish) nothing... nothing, whisper ..." "So... it's like this... okay?" "It is said ..." "Yola ..." "Yola, is a friend." " She's a woman who is a little..." " What?" "Uhm, she lives in... next door There's a door..." "Knock, knock!" "If you knock, she opens it..." "and she's with eight... sailors..." " Eight." "They are Russian." " Russians?" " No, no." "One was Polish." " One was Polish?" " Uh, yes, but... the others threw him out." "Ah, they are colored!" " They are black sailors." " Black?" "What ignorance!" "How could you not know something so simple?" "!" "Ask them..." "Now, another question." "Now, I will ask..." "I will ask ..." "STOP RIGHT THERE!" "Starting today, things will change!" "Your careers will be depending on your rowing performance!" "Tomorrow, Sunday, we are meeting on the Tevere for the first Balabam Rowing Cup!" "My employees... to the boats!" " Good luck, Dad!" " Let's go." "Come, Fantozzi." "Toinauguratethefirst Tiber Rowing Circle," "Balabamselectedagruelling counter-current regatta  witha distanceof over 7 nautical miles." " Now, what is it?" " You have to order the start." "Thestartingsignalwouldbegiven  at 12:00 by the Gianicolo Cannon." "(A cannon that would fire each noon.)" " Almost time..." " Yes." " It's hot here." " Of course!" "Noon sharp!" " Ultraprecise watch, see?" " Yes, and a wrecked boat, see?" " Ready?" " Ready!" " Come on!" " Come on!" "AttheSistoBridge, the Colsi brothers  werethevictims of a slight... oversight..." " How are we doing?" "Are we on course?" "." " Yes, we'll pass right in the middle!" "Sorry!" "You're breaking my kidneys!" "And you're drenching me!" " Why don't you coordinate?" " Same goes for you!" " Okay, let's coordinate." " Coordination... are you coordinated?" " Ready?" " Ready!" "Come on!" "Sorry!" "Be patient, I'm trying to improve." "I'll change!" "I'll change my companion!" "AtCastelSant'Angelo in a fatal coincidence" "Withthepassingofthe Fantozzi-Filini team" "Ananonymousman decided to take his own life." " Excuse me." " Yes?" " What time is it?" " Why?" " Is it noon again?" " Why do you ask?" "Why did you stop?" " Because..." " Wait." "What is it NOW?" " A man..." " A sir." "Where..?" " That went..." "like, down" " Nonsense!" " I'll explain later." " Let's go!" "." "Where are you going?" " One second, I'm here to..." " ..." "Because I must put this thing back." " Forget it!" "Come on!" " Come on!" " There is a big mess here." "Leave it!" "it's not the time to tidy up the boat!" " Look." " Where did you get that?" " I'll explain later." " It must be put back in its place." " Where did you get it?" " Fantozzi!" " The oars." " All set?" " Ready!" " Did you put everything back?" " Everything is ready." " Okay." " Go!" "AtRipetta and in the first place" "ClerkTrota(" trout")and transcriber Sogliola ("flatfish")" "Ina dreadfulmisunderstanding, were caught and sold  atthefishmarketintheVatican by amateur fishermen." "Excuse me, Mr. Commander!" "I hate to say it, but we're monstrously delayed." "Do not worry about it." "I know a shortcut, you'll see!" " Okay." " Thank you." "PonteLivio:theArchivist Mughini and his colleague, Belotti Bom  decidedtoresorttothehelp of a mechanical contraption  recentlyinventedby  engineers Barsanti and Matteucci." "Itwasthefamousfirstprototype of the diesel engine..." "it was a blast." "Excuse me." "Aside from the odor, Are you sure that this" " is a shortcut?" " Enough with your doubts!" "I told you, I have a map." "Do you see the map?" "Ah, it is mapped!" "Okay, But then, when do you reckon we'll be out of this sewer..." "uh, this shortcut?" "Oh, don't worry!" "In a half hour, we're out." "58daysafter,intheatrium of Fantozzi's office,  astatuewasunveiled inmemoryof the Missing Employees." "Actually,thetwo wandered many years yet  throughtheworld'ssewers before exiting into the ocean  wheretheywerefinally rescued by a transatlantic  whichwasmakingits maidenvoyage:" "The "Titanic"!" "Finally,thelatestfad from France arrived ...  aclamorousevent, sensational news: the motion pictures ." ""Watered Gardener"" " Pina." "Pina!" "Shall we go?" " No, Ugo..." "Look how beautiful it is!" "It's fun!" "But Pina, do not tell me you like this foolery." "It's a thing for children." "For retarded children, on top of that!" "This is something that will not last." "What'shappening?" " Ugo!" "Ugo, I'm afraid!" " Why?" " The train!" " It's all fake, don't you see?" " Let's run away!" " But Pina, it's fiction, right?" "Hey!" "Have you all gone crazy?" "It's all fake!" "But don't you see?" "It's just a simple optical illusion!" "Mark it!" " Two notches!" " Roger!" "Two!" " Notch!" "Notch!" "Notch!" " Yes!" "Three!" "One, two, three!" "Aftercenturiesof  suffering in his life in Europe" "Fantozzifinallydecidedto try his (mis)fortune in America." "It's here, we arrived!" "We arrived at our house!" "Ughino, are you sure this is home?" "It's a rich people's neighborhood!" "No, no, no, I'm quite sure!" "We owe everything to Mr. Adams!" "The lender, who offered me a very low price!" "Come!" " Can you take the girl?" " I cannot." "It is very hard..." "also for me!" " Want some milk?" " Scottish, yes." "This is the place." "Last night, informants saw the delivery of two trucks full of bottles of whiskey." "They have no way out." "This time they shall not escape." "For safety, let's wait a few minutes before entering." "# You are welcome door to mine ... #" "My house!" "Pina, I am happy, We're in America!" "Pina, let us officially celebrate" " Our first, true, American home!" " Yes, yes, yes, yes!" " I have a surprise!" " What, what, what?" " I'll do something foolish..." " What, here?" "!" "You misunderstood, love." "Here it is!" "But alcohol is prohibited!" "It's banned, Dad." "Cover up, it is best to cover yourself!" "For the rabie-... ehm, the cold!" " Pina, a toast!" "The glasses!" " Isn't it dangerous?" "Who would find us here?" "This is an iron cage!" "A glass!" " Me too, me too!" " Cover up!" "Cover up, you!" " The Police." " Oh, God..." " Easy." " I want to drink!" "I want to celebrate!" " Enough, Ugo!" "I'm so happy!" "Ah, come on, what's up with you?" "Come on, come on!" "Cheers!" "Come on!" "# Toast, toast, a toast to love... #" "# And to this house, it is in my heart. #" "# And we that are happy ... #" "# Provide, provide, offer!" ". #" "# Offer, drink, drink, drink!" ". #" "What do you want?" " Where do you hide the alcohol?" "!" " Where are the bottles?" "!" " Do it!" " You're not talking, huh?" "You are guilty of everything!" "What do you want from me?" " Come here!" " Let me go, monster!" "MOMMMYYYYYYY!" "Just a moment!" "Let's talk about this!" "Murderers!" "Murderers!" "Just a question, what time does the first steamship to Italy leave?" "We were here for too short a time, but it was good!" "We just arrived and he gets the house destroyed..." "Withtheoutbreak of the Second World War" "Fantozziwascalled back to aviation." "This is the name of the first lucky one who will have the honor of dying crashing against an American ship." "Moonbeam!" "("Hikari!")" "Noise of thunder!" "("Kaminari")" "Tozzi Fan!" "Tozzi Fan!" "Banzai!" "Banzai!" "Banzai!" "Banzai!" "Banzai!" "KamikazeTozziFan decided to hide  andawaittheend ofthewar hiddeninthatcheerful, quiet provincial town." "HIROSHIMA" "Fantozzihadignomiouslyskippedwork that day,  unbeknownst not even his own family  andwasslowlyapproachingthestadium." "Ah, finally we are out of the office!" "We will spend a great day of sun and sport!" "Feel the fresh air!" "Open, open!" "Breathe, breathe!" "Close!" "Close!" " Listen, will we arrive on time?" " What do you think?" " There are only 7 hours before the game." " Do not be afraid, I'm a master of stadium approaches." "There's an opening!" "Go!" "Stuck!" "Come on, come on..." "We're stuck!" "Come out!" "Come out!" " We're stuck!" " The roof!" " What roof?" " Damn." "Through the engine!" "Right place." "Well, well." "Come on, hurry!" "Get going, Fantozzi, do not waste time!" "Sorry, I don't know this route very well!" " Very comfortable over here." "Come on." " Yes, I'm coming." "Come out." "Here." " What are you waiting for?" "Come on, come on." " Hey, what about the car?" " Leave it here." " But they're going to fine me." "Who cares, Fantozzi?" "The car is yours." "Come, come." "Let's see..." " The blankets" " What?" " Damn, the blankets!" " Excuse me, for the stadium?" " I'll guide you, do not worry." "Fantozzi, come!" "As I said, this is our lucky day!" "Climb in!" " Good day." " A pleasure." " Accountant Ugo Fantozzi." " Nice to meet you." "Excuse me, is this occupied?" "." " Please, pass, pass." " Thank you." "How kind." "Thank you." " Very kind." " Please." "Thank you." " Let us sit there." " So kind!" "Itwastheday oftheterriblefriendly match, Italy vs Scotland!" "Here they are, our loyal adversaries!" "How do you say: "May the best man win"?" " "Win the best"." " "Win the best"!" " Are you sure that's correct?" " Sure, "win the best"." "I'll try again." ""Win the best"!" "I think I have a very heavy lisp." " In English?" " Scottish." "Guys, let's show them..." " Who We Are!" " TOURIST TOUR" " HOOLIGAN TOUR" "Man the starboard stations!" " Aye aye!" " Hurry up!" "But how do we "man the battle stations"?" "Keep your head down!" " All aboard!" " Attack!" "Onwards!" "I still do not understand how this device works." "Excuse me, sir, could you tell me how it works, because we did not ..." " It's easy." "Put the torch right there." " Here?" "What did you do, Fantozzi?" " Hey, he won't shake hands." " Not the handshaking type." "You may feel like you have a hole in your stomach." " A great vacuum, yes." " Bye." "Good day." " Accountant!" " What's up?" " Come here!" " Where?" " All aboard!" " How?" " Wow!" " Tackle!" "Here you go, Accountant!" "Now we're at the Scots' gate." "We need a battering ram." " Excuse me." "What's happening?" " Right on time." "You know how to "battering ram"?" " Battering ram!" " Me?" "." "No, no, not the ram!" "I never did the ram!" "Look Fantozzi!" "Accountant Fantozzi, what are you doing?" "Come on!" "Come Fantozzi, I'm here!" "Come Fantozzi, we conquered the Scots' own bus!" "Climb, climb upstairs, it will take us to the stadium." "Here it is so peaceful!" "Viva Italia!" "Go?" " All is well." " Watch out, Filini!" "." " No problem!" "Do you mind... if I climb downstairs?" "AftertheferociousItalianattack that broke the enemy lines,  anunstoppable Scottish counterattack  withheavyartilleryand tanks emergedfromtheHeadquartersofthe Scottish forces" "Thanks,Ciotti." "On thenorthside  of the Italian fans  thereisan intense exchange of gunfire  supported by helicopter bombing." "Ferrettihere,southside," "I'mhearingthebellicose war chants of the Scots" " But where are we?" " What does it say?" " Excuse me, which tickets did you buy?" " What?" "These are the tickets." "Audible." "Fascinating, huh." "I have to give you rather disturbing news." "We are in the Scottish trenches!" "Animals!" "Animals!" ""How do you do?"" "Do... some Scot music." "The Scottish anthem." ""You know it." Touch." ""Win the best!" I play the anthem" ""Hymna Scottish"" ""Moment"" "Sorry" ""God"! "Strangers in the night"!" ""Scotch Whisky"!" "Beautiful and talented." "Ahistoricceasefireagreementinthe Philippines between the government  ofCorazonAquinoand communist guerrillas was signed today,  thatcoversthewhole archipelago for 60 days." "Itisthefirsttime in 17 years since the guerrillas  andthegovernment have come to an agreement" "Ugo!" "What happened?" "What do you think happened to me?" "Nothing happened to me!" "Just work!" "Overtime, all day!" "What do you think I do?" "You think I have fun, huh?" "You just arrived for the little rehearsal." "Don't bother me with the monk-- the little girl's test!" "I would also like to see, if I do not work," "Who will eat in this house!" "Quie..." "Who... who... co... eats?" "You're right." "I'm sorry, Ugo." "No, Pina." "I'm sorry, it's my fault." "I am very tired." "Thesearejusthooligans that are not affiliated  withtruesupporters, and they have ruined  withthisunforgivableattitude, something which should be a celebration of the sport." "Wecandisplayimages, several very eloquent photographs,  documentingoneof  the most reprehensible incidents." "Theprotagonistis aman , that looks like an Italian supporter." "Rowdy,violent,and as you can see on his face,  aloadof hatredthatisnot suited at a sporting event." "Thatisall." "Inothernews..." "Can I tell you something?" " Yes?" " You suck." "...weshouldreallyaskourselves, with growing concern,  isthistheroadwewanttowalk ?" "." " Happy birthday, Ugino!" " Congratulations, Dad!" " Thank you." "# Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you ... #" "Enough, enough!" "Pina, set the table!" " Let's sit down, sit down." " Yes." "Sit down, come on..." "Well done." "Fuck." "Why doesn't mine ever work?" "I'm sorry, Ugo." "Like this." " Ugino, you cut the cake." " Knife!" "By Alpha Centauri, do you ever sharpen that knife?" "!" "Where is... the chair... the ...?" "Here?" "It is very... comfortable." "No." "I'll close it." "It is down here." "We must remember, Pina." "You close them, for Pete's sake..." "Now you sharpen." "I told you to disconnect the videophone, didn't I?" "At least today." "Excuse me." "Now what?" "What is that?" "How is it?" "Which number is it?" "Goodmorning." " The Sidereal Manager." "DidI disturbyou,dearFantozzi?" "No, no!" "It is an honor for us." "Icalled,firstofall,  to wish you a happy birthday." " You remembered?" " Of course." " Thank you." "And,forone morereason." "A most personal one" " No." "Really?" "VERY...personal." " Me?" " Ah, yes, I understand." "Out, out, out," " We need to talk about work." " I understand." "Go on." "Look,Fantozzi." "Youmust lend me your house for an hour." " Excuse me?" "I 'mherewithalady ... andI havenowheretotake her." " Why not take her to your house?" "Please?" "My... my... house... my house?" "Immediately..." "Hey ..." "Could you, please, just come tomorrow?" "No, I'll explain." "Today, for me, is a special day." "It's my birthday." "we got cake and champagne." "Right." "Leaveeverythingthere and keep the champagne cold." "On ice." "On ice." "I'llbethereinfifteenminutes." "Leave the key under the mat." "Under the mat." "Pina, I... it's not my fault." "I was so happy, with this feast." "It doesn't matter, Ugo." "You know how these things go." " No, this is ...my birthday." " All right, all right..." "This is my drink to his face." "That arrogant asshole that..." "It's because you have to." "I will have my party." " Take the helmet, Dad." " No, I don't want to." " It's mandatory." " Eh, open the hatch." "Come!" "Come on, Pina, Why the long face?" "Nothing happened." "Who cares, let's celebrate!" "We are fortunate!" "We are fortunate!" "Fortunate...!"