"# My thoughts may stray #" "# My eyes may roam #" "# The neighbors' grass may seem much greener #" "# Than the grass right here at home #" "# If pretty girls excite me, well, that's life #" "# But just in case you didn't know #" "# I love my wife #" "# If rosy lips invite me, hey, that's life #" "# But just in case you couldn't guess #" "# Or hadn't heard or didn't know #" "# I love my wife, I love my wife #" "# I love my wife. #" "Really?" "Donna's cold to your new assistant?" "What do you mean by cold?" "You know, unfriendly, not sweet." "All my other assistants she's nice to, but to this one, for some reason, she's cold." "So, she's like, distant?" "Yes, good." "She comes by the office the other day, and we're all excited about this letter the mayor wrote me in response to a column." "Donna comes in, not all that interested, and basically, she's very cold to Missy." "Ladies." "What's up?" "Micky's wife's cold to his new assistant." "That's too bad, I know your wife." "That means she knows you want to fuck the assistant." "Yeah?" "How does she know that when I don't know it?" "You wish you didn't know that." " What's up with you?" " I'm stressed." "This money thing, it's getting me down." "Carol and I got into this silly tiff over some new dress she bought." "All right, here's how we fix this thing." "We get a three-way... your wife, your assistant and Carol." "Lots of hair, a lot of negligees, a lot of Greco-Roman wrestling maneuvers." "Then the three of us get our camcorders out and we film it." "It works out perfectly." "Your wife and your assistant are instantly bonded for life." "Meanwhile, Carol takes the proceeds of the video that we sell, blows it on clothing." "On top of that, my wife is happy that I figured out how to use the camcorder in time for Christmas." "It's great." "You realize this is big time, right?" "The first guy getting an interview with the new mayor?" "No, I know." "It is big time." "You're a stud, what can I say?" " It is big time, don't tease." " I'm not teasing." "You are." "You are a mayor-interviewing stud." "I am a stud." "Keep that in mind over the course of the next 15 minutes." " Why, why?" " Why?" "Yeah." "Okay, let me go and check on Bobby." "No, no, Bobby's fine, I checked." "He fine." "He wants us to have sex." "It was... out of nowhere, he started talking." "He did not... he did not tell you that." "C'mon, honey, he's fine, I..." "Honey, I was..." "Honey, he's fine." "He's..." "Aw, his t-shirt's soaking." "He's drenched." "He sweats in his sleep, okay?" "So does every other guy on the planet." " I didn't want to wake him." " He'll catch cold." " Now don't let him roll off." " Thanks for telling me." "Thanks." "I didn't know not to let you roll off." "I figured I should throw you against the wall or something." "Silly me." "What, are you gonna do a kidney transplant, honey?" "Honey, he's fine." "We're not gonna do that, are we?" "There we go." "Get your arms out." " Can I ask you a question?" " Uh-huh." " You and Missy." " Who's Missy?" "My assistant." "How come you're cold to her?" "All of my other assistants you're nice to." "This one you're cold to, how come?" " I'm not cold to her." " You were, you were cold to her." "Can you get me a clean diaper?" "His diaper is clean, honey." "I checked him." "C'mon..." " Go!" " Anything else you want to do to him, that he doesn't need while you got him up?" " Want to give him a haircut?" " We don't want a haircut, do we?" "We don't want a haircut." "So what's so special about Missy?" "Nothing is special, why do you ask?" " Why do you care if I'm nice to her?" " I don't." "You do." "You obviously do or I wouldn't be being judged for being cold." "It's obviously important to you that she's treated nicely." "No, nothing special." "I just... it's odd to see you cold, you know?" "You're usually so nice to people." " Just be nice to her." "She works hard." " Fine." "Good." "Are we going to mess around?" " You seem to be making overtures." " Overtures?" "Yeah, actually, yeah." "I mean, it's been a while." "Yeah." "You could just tell me if we're not, because then I'm gonna put some face cream on." "Yeah, uh, yeah." "Can I finish this chapter?" "I have three pages left." "Do." "I was with that fine babe last night." "You know the girl from Circulation I was telling you about?" "The one with the pierced earring in her tongue?" "Mouth jewelry, Micky, and yeah, that's the one." "You know I can feel that jewelry right now, as we speak." " Oh!" " It's funny though," "I didn't think I was gonna be able to crack this one." "At first, she would not give it up." "Oh yeah?" "So how'd you close?" "She saw me having dinner with Sammy Sosa." " Oh." " This girl is as hot as she is shallow." "The mouth jewelry I don't get." "On paper I can see how it would be good, but something could go wrong." "Yeah, well of course you'd say that, Mick." "You're a married man." "You can't get the kind of wild pussy I get." "So you've sold yourself on how it won't work for you." "It's like the guy with no money who tells himself a Mercedes is a waste of cash." "No, it's like the guy who gets his dick cut up by a rusty piece of mouth jewelry and has to have a tetanus shot." " That's what it's like." " See, this is why marriage isn't presently in my game plan." "There's too much crazy pussy out there in the world." "And every year, a whole new crop comes ripe." "I'm talkin' grade-A dick-nutty crazy pussy." "That's Saul Bellow's line." "Every 20 years or so, the earth renews itself of young maidens." "I got to tell you, I like the way Kevin says it better." "Gentlemen, I am into some new craziness myself." " What are you talking about?" " Ilene Rosenberg." "The new entertainment reporter from New York?" " The little Jewish girl?" " Yes, sir." "How can you be messing around with her already?" "She's here, what, two months?" "Does she know you're married?" "Yeah, that's what she likes about me." "She is a whole hell of a lot wilder than a pierced tongue." "I brought her here the other night, and she tells me regular sex bores her." "She needs a little adrenaline to get off." "She ends up going down on me under the table," " in that booth, right over there." " Just remember what they say about messing around with someone you work with." "They haven't met Ilene Rosenberg." " Hello." " Hey." " How are you doing?" " Good, how are you?" "Quick cup of coffee before we go on this run?" " Yes." " You're not going to work today?" "No, I am." "I'm gonna go in when Bobby wakes up," " and Tilda gets back from market." " Mmm." " Can I ask you something?" " Yeah, sure." "As long as it doesn't involve me writing a check." "Doug's playing banker again this month." "Would you consider me a cold person?" "You're British." "That's genetic, right?" " No, I'm serious." " I don't know, I mean..." "I wouldn't say you're a huggy, touchy-feely kind of person, but you're not cold." "Who told you that?" "Micky says I'm cold to his new assistant." "Micky said this?" "Captain Sensitivity himself?" "It took him a year to get my name right." ""Hey Carolyn, how you doing, Karen..." "Cookie?"" "I know, he's terrible." "Terrible with names, dates, anniversaries, birthdays." "So what if you are cold to his assistant?" "It is his assistant." "I know, but I don't want to look jealous." "Or arrogant or something." "Don't be." "Make a friend of her." "Who better to tell Micky what you want for your anniversary or birthday than his own assistant?" " You're good." " Hey, I got this down." "No, read the column again." "I did not say that all Republicans were fat and stupid." "No, I was talking about you in particular." "Yeah, read it again." "Okay, bye." "Call me later, bye." "I loved your column." " Thanks." " No, I mean it," "I don't want you to think I'm saying that just 'cause you're my boss." "Even though I'm not a great writer yet, I know great writing when I read it." "Thanks, that's nice." "Donna, hey!" "Hi." " How're you doing?" " Good." "I should do a piece on how much cleaner this is than our editorial room." "Only thing I miss about working here." "Hi, Missy." " Hi." " You look nice." " I do?" " Yeah, gorgeous." " Thank you, you do too." " How do I look?" "Tired." "Here, I dropped by to show you these." "Bobby's first dental x-rays." "Oh, dental records, good." "We'll need this in case of a plane crash." " Don't be smart." " Did I just say that?" "You are as proud as I am and you know it!" "Look." "Aw, those are great." "I was in the area and I thought you'd like to see them." "Hey Missy, you know what I was thinking?" "We should have lunch together." " Lunch?" " Lunch, good idea." "Have you been to Pizano's?" "We should go there, a proper girl's lunch." "I'd love that." "I've wanted to go there, like, my whole life." "Good, then we'll go..." "end of the week." "Thank you." "Excuse me, the phone." " Happy?" " Very." "Good, see you at home." "Oh yeah, you've got to kill that." "That's got to be dead..." "dead fast." "He's right, don't let that shit happen." "It crosses the line, it's like church and state." "Nobody wants their wife and their assistant to be friends." " You have no wiggle room." " What I don't get is, why?" "You said Donna was cold to her." "Now all of a sudden she asks her lunch, why?" " 'Cause I told her to be nice." " Lunch nice?" " No, I did not mean lunch nice." " I wouldn't think so." "Why'd you want her being nice?" "I didn't want her to think something was going on." " Is there something going on?" " No." "I figured she was cold 'cause she was threatened." "I figured if I made a big deal about her being nice to Missy, it would make her think there wasn't anything going on." "Listen to you." " You so want to fuck this girl." " No, I don't." " Yes, you do." "You do." " I don't." "Micky, you do and I think it's gonna happen." "I don't want to fuck her." "I don't!" "I am gonna kill the lunch though." "Hi." "Wanna have some fun?" "When do you work?" "Just curious." "Exact same thing I asked him." "Ilene wants to do me in the elevator." "When you hear the alarm go off, wait about 10 minutes, then head down to the elevators, okay?" "What is it with you and these women?" "I'm serious." "I seen you in the shower at the gym, it's not like you got a third arm." "That's the thing..." "I'm a regular guy, but I have big-dick mentality." "You, on the other hand, have small-dick mentality." " What are you talkin' about?" " It's a killer." "It takes out more guys than heart disease." "Ask your doctor." "I'm gonna ask my doctor about big-dick mentality?" "I don't think so." "Someone writing a column on that elevator there?" " No." " Nah." "I didn't think so." "Maybe you guys ought to get back to work, like your buddy Jake there." " That's a good idea." " It's a good..." "Micky." "Micky, wake up." " Hey." " Hi." " Hi." " Listen, I was wondering, in terms of sex, what do you like?" "Do you like a finger in your ass?" "Excuse me?" "Some guys do." "They like it when you're having sex, and then you reach down and put a finger in, just a little bit." "Do you like that?" "Or... do you just like your balls rubbed?" "Yeah, I like my balls rubbed." "Would you like me to do that now?" "Could I rub your balls?" "Yeah, maybe, I mean..." "Actually no, now is not a good time." "Oh." "How about tomorrow at work?" "Could I rub your balls at work?" "I don't think that's a good time either." "Or we could get a blanket." "I could put it over your lap, and I can rub your sweet balls on the L-train." "Okay, you know what?" "You've got to go." "Okay, you really do." "You really got to go." "I just want to rub your balls." "I know, but you gotta go." " Okay, bye." " I'll see you later." "So, this lunch thing with you and Missy, you excited about it?" "Mmm, very." "'Cause she is." "She wants to be a reporter, you know?" "Mm-hmm." "Probably gonna bombard you with a bunch of really goofy questions." "That's fine." "Is she a good writer?" "I assume she is, she's smart." "She likes my stuff." "She's gonna be persistent though." "Get ready, I tell you." "This lunch thing, it's gonna turn into, like, a regular lunch thing if I know Missy." "You'll be getting all kinds of calls, messages here at the house." "Trust me this girl has the ability to make herself a real pain in the butt so get ready." "Why are you telling me this?" "'Cause I want you to know what you're getting into, before you get into it, so you can cancel if you want." "I wouldn't be mad." " That's all I'm saying." " I don't understand, Micky." "First you want me to be nice to her, so I ask her out to lunch," " and now, you want me to cancel?" " Yeah, so?" "So what do you want?" "I'm being practical, that's all." "Okay?" "I'm thinking ahead." "What if you two become good friends, like really good friends, like you and Karyn?" "What happens if something goes wrong and I have to fire her, okay?" "I just don't want to see you get hurt." "That's all, that's all I'm saying." "You know me well, Mick, well enough to know how well I know you, yeah?" " Yeah." " So right now, I know that you know that I know that you're aware that you're absolutely full of shit!" "Not that that makes any sense, but you're dead wrong." "Missy!" "Missy?" "Can I see you for a minute?" " Yeah." " Okay, listen... have a seat, listen." "l-l..." "I think..." "I think you should..." "you should call Donna" " and postpone the lunch at Pizano's." " Yeah, I'll postpone it." " Until when?" " Until never, actually." "Until never?" "Why?" "I don't think it's a good idea, okay?" "Church and state, okay?" "I just..." "I would prefer to keep things separate." "Separate, sure." " Yeah, cool." " Okay." "I was just really looking forward to... lunch at Pizano's, but whatever, you know." "Why, is this a big deal for you?" "To have lunch at Pizano's?" "Yeah, it is." "Okay look, how about I take you to Pizano's... you and I go to Pizano's on me?" "How's that?" " Yeah, really?" " Yes, really." "Okay, yes!" "I think it's a mistake, Micky," "I don't think you should be having lunch with this girl." "She's my assistant, why is it a mistake?" "It's a mistake because you have to ask." "You obviously doubt yourself." "You doubt your... integrity." "That's not true, I don't doubt my integrity." "I just... she's very hot, this girl." "I've been thinking about her a lot lately." "Thinking about her in what way?" "What way do you think I've been thinking about her?" "That's not good." "Thoughts like that are not good." "You got to guard your mind, Micky, like it's a fortress." "Yeah, the problem is the fortress is running 80 channels of porn, eight hours a day." "That's the problem." "I got the secret of the universe, Micky, you want it?" "The secret of the universe?" "No, I don't want that." "You have any gum?" "Everything starts first in the mind, and then it becomes a reality." "You've got to guard your thoughts like they're diamonds." "You know what, better yet, guard 'em like they're missiles." "You want to know what Carol and I do?" "You want to know what we do sex-wise?" "Tell me slowly in case I have to cut you off." "We watch tapes." "Positive programming." "These tapes, they deal with intimacy, and the tools a man needs to keep things fresh in his brain as well as his shorts." "Is that a man with big-dick mentality, or small-dick mentality?" "You know how long I've been standing here?" "No." "I've got a prostate that looks like an old Chicago Bears practice ball." "Are you gonna be okay putting in extra hours to get that fourth column out every week?" "I mean your wife gonna be okay, you never coming home early?" "She'll have to be." "God, was it always this hard to raise a family and to make ends meet?" "I remember being 20 years old having to get by on a G.I.'s salary, freezing my ass off in Korea, and wondering if the wife and kid got the allotment check." "You're right, I got nothing to bitch about." "You've got plenty to bitch about." "You don't need to get shipped overseas to legitimately feel you got too much weight on your back to stay afloat." "Hell, you're a young white man trying to keep it together in an era where no one wants to hear shit about your problems." "Yeah." "Thank you." " Hey." " So... you just a white man trying to make it in a white man's world, huh?" " It's not easy." "Good luck." " Thanks." "Give it your best shot." "White people." "Hey, what are these?" "Hmm?" "Oh, those are those goofy-ass marriage tapes that Doug gave me." " He and Carol watch those." " Let's see Doug's idea of goofy." "Oh honey, you know what?" "I know you, you're gonna hate them." "Well, let's just see." "Well, the fact is a good marriage is yours for the asking." "It's all here in the head and the heart, the two organs we need to work to find a place of love and intimacy." "Now what I want to teach you today is how to make those decisions..." "I can't do this." "I got a stomachache." " Oh!" " This... this... this is like watching a pony die, this guy." "Each one of you will do one good deed..." "This is marriage therapy homework for losers." "Doug obviously felt that this video had tools that we could use." "Tools?" "Honey, c'mon, what are we, a muffler shop?" "This is ridiculous and you know it, look at this guy." "...when two people become one." "Okay, so they're not brilliant, but a good marriage needs work." "Work?" "You want me to do work, I just got home from work." "I don't want to work." "I want to lay on the couch." "I'm not asking a lot, Mick." "I'm not one of those demanding pain-in-the-ass wives I see out there." "You say you love me, you say it all day long, which I appreciate, but show me." "I'm sick of hearing it, I want to see it." "...and the husband will not have a clue, why his wife is angry with him." " In the first case..." " Fine." "trust supports the marriage, the family, and to a greater extent, society at large." "A firm foundation of trust will ensure that a couple makes it through any of life's challenges." "Oh God." "Oh Micky!" "Micky!" "Oh God, this guy's good." "Oh, he really knows what he's doing." "Heart plus head equals big-dick mentality." " Okay, ready to go to lunch?" " Yes." "I can't wait, I'm gonna pick your brain." "I have so many questions to ask you." "Like where'd you get your ideas for stories?" "Where'd you do your research?" "Do you go to the library, or do you have a whole internet thing, or do people do research for you?" "Hey, uh..." "Doug go to lunch?" " Yeah." " Good." "#..." "Is me alight in effigy #" "# I suppose baby don't want me around #" "# She threw my stuff into a pit #" "# And laughed aloud as I dove after it #" "# I suppose baby don't want me around #" "# This is the place you want to be #" "# Out of the woods, out of control... #" "There you go." "Okay." "Okay, good night." "You got to lay down, you got to lay down." "Lay down." "You got to go to sleep." "Here, look at this." "Okay, good night." "Here." "How about this?" "Here, here." "Okay, go to sleep with the bear." "Ugh!" "All right, okay, go to sleep, honey." "Is he down yet?" "He's on his way down." "What do you do, overstimulate him?" "No, I didn't overstimulate him." "Why would I do that?" "You don't think I know how to put my own son to bed?" "Are you gonna tell me what's going on?" "You haven't said two words all night." " What's wrong?" " Nothing's wrong." "C'mon, honey, last time you said nothing was wrong was when you found porn on my laptop and something was wrong, and you were upset." "I'm not upset." "Wrap the fish." "This is you not being upset?" "C'mon, you're the big-time emotional tool girl." "Tell me if something's going on?" "What's going on?" " Believe me you don't want to know." " I do." "I want to know." " No, you don't." " I do." "I'll tell you what's wrong." "You took your assistant to lunch, didn't you?" "Karyn saw the two of you leaving Pizano's." "What's going on, Micky?" "Nothing's going on." "Nothing." " Nothing." " Good." " Where are you going?" " Out for some air." "It's okay, Tilda, you can come through." "She's poquito loco, a little crazy." "Tilda, you're married, what does she want?" "Because the last time I followed her, she went ballistic." "The time before that I didn't follow her and she went ballistic, so what does she want?" "I don't know, Mr. Micky." "My husband and I, these are not the kind of problems that we have." "What kind of problems do you have?" "You know, feeding the childrens, paying the rent, how to staying in this country." "These kind of things." "Oh." "Okay, that makes sense." "Okay, I'm actually gonna go follow her then." "Thank you, that's good advice." " You're doing a good job." " Gracias, Mr. Micky." "Okay." "Hey." "Hey." "Come here." "Here's your cell phone." "Call Karyn." "C'mon, take your cell phone." "Call her again." "Ask who else she saw me coming out of Pizano's with." "C'mon, do it." "Karyn, hi." "Yeah, it's me." "Listen, I'm sorry to ring but when you saw Micky with his assistant, was he with anyone else?" "Thanks." "You were with Doug and Missy." "What was I supposed to do?" "Doug invites me to lunch, Missy's standing there," " and out of nowhere, he invites her." " Why'd he ask her?" "I don't know." "He's Doug, he's weird, he's nice." "She was low and he asked her to come." "Why was she low?" "Because I made her cancel lunch with you." "Why'd you make her cancel lunch with me?" "Why?" " You want the truth?" " Yeah." " Honestly?" " Yeah." "Because I need some space, okay?" "I need some space, I do." "I need some separation." "She's my assistant." "I need some s-s-space." "Why do you need that space?" "Micky, why do you need separation?" "Why do you put this wall up between us?" "You always do this." "We're married." "We have a family." "It hurts." "This hurts deeply." "I'll see you at home." "Where are you going?" "Just wait, okay?" "You know what, I didn't even pay for her lunch, just so you know." "She didn't shut her mouth once." "I did not have a good time, if that means anything to you." " I just..." "I want to be alone." " No, you don't." "Yeah, you know, actually I do." "I want to be alone with myself right now." "It's a lot less painful than being alone with you." "All right, well, I'm gonna go with you in case you get mugged." "Actually, I'm just gonna follow you in case I get mugged." "Well, fine!" "As far as I'm concerned you're out of the will." "You're out of my will." "I'm leaving everything to that dog there." "That dog, right there." "This dog gets the entire Micky Barnes Foundation fortune and you... are left with nothing, just so you know." "You get nothing if I die." "Just the memories." "# We laughed so much, then we cried #" "# All night #" "# And you left your shoes #" "# In the tree #" "# With me #" "# I'll wear them to your house #" "# Tonight #" "# Tonight #" "# Magic in the air #" "# Tonight #" "# Feels right. #"