"Yes?" "Hel-lo ma'am." "We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service." "Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?" "Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep." "How about ten dollars?" "Ooo, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls!" "Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!" "How about fifteen dollars?" "It's a deal!" "All right, guys, let's get to work!" "Yeah, it's so totally awesome." "Craig crapped his pants when he saw it." "Yeah, sweet." "So what's goin' on over there?" "Yeah, that's pretty cool." "No way!" "He did not!" "Aw dude, that is so weak." "What?" "You've been on your fucking phone since we started!" "Dude, I'm takin' a break." "A break from what?" "!" "You haven't done anything!" "Kyle, how many times do we have to go through this?" "I'm the negotiator." "I negotiate our price with the customers." "All you ever do is talk about your balls!" "It works, doesn't it?" "Did I not just get us an extra five bucks?" "If you want your share of the money, then you're gonna shovel snow like the rest of us!" "Hey!" "Don't boss me around, you fuckin' Jew!" "I will kick your ass!" "Ma'am, do you have a rag and some bandages?" "Oh goodness, what happened?" "Shoveling accident." "Oooh no, come on inside." "Wait right here, I'll be right back." "You're so lucky I have a... sore shoulder, Kyle, or I'd totally let you have it." "Cartman, just keep your mouth shut." "This is breaking news." "Here's Anchorman Aaron Brown." "Incredible, absolutely amazing news today." "A man from the future has come back in time and is in a government hospital after being hit by a car." "Whoa." "Christina Naylon has more." "The news is incredible, Aaron." "Experts and scientists have been with the man from the future for several hours now, and have been able to learn that he is from the year 3045." "His condition is stable, and speculation continues as to why he has come." "Has he come to deliver a cure for cancer?" "Or to fix something wrong with the past?" "Have to interrupt you there, Christina." "Apparently, Brad Morgan is inside the base with breaking news." "Brad?" "Aaron, the scientists have been able to communicate further and have uncovered that the man from one thousand years in the future has come to our time... looking for work." "Now, uh he has said that the future is so overwhelmingly overpopulated that there are simply no jobs in his time, and so he built a time portal and has come back to 21st century America, uh to find a job here." "Heheh, it's absolutely astounding." "He came back here for work?" "Huh... that's right, Aaron." "Hi-his plan is to get a job here, in our time, so that he can put the money he earns into a savings account, uh, which will earn interest, and by the year 3045 be worth billions of dollars," "uh which of course in the future will be worth only hundres of dollars, but uh enough, he says, to feed his family." "And now I understand we're going to Harrison Moore, uh, for an explanation on how the time portal works." "Harrison?" "Aaron, I'm standing at the time border which scientists say follow Terminator rules." "That is, it's one way only and you can't go back." "This is in contrast, say, to Back To The Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course, Timerider rules, which are just plain silly." "Anyway, it appears that the man from the future is here to stay." "Mom, Dad!" "Did you see?" "They found a man from the future!" "We know, Stanley." "We've been watching." "If you're just joining us, a man from over two thousand years into the future has come through a one-way time portal looking for work." "Uh, the President is expected to give an announcement at any time." "Breaking news here at the time portal, Aaron." "It appears that another person from the future has just arrived!" "It looks as if the job at Wendy's did work for the original immigrant;" "this second arrivee claims that man's family is now much better off, and wishes the same for his family." "There you go." "All set, sweetie?" "Mom, can we go try to see the people from the future?" "I have a bunch of questions I wanna ask 'em." "I'm sure a lot of people do, hon." "It's pretty exciting, isn't it?" "Now, you just get some sleep." "You've had a busy day." "Goodnight, sweetie." "Night, Mom." "Wow, two people from the future." "How cool." "Yes?" "Hello, Mrs. Landis." "Would you like snow-shoveling service again today?" "Ooo, oh dear, I'm sorry boys, but I've already hired someone else to do it." "What?" "Who?" "One of those immigrants from the future." "He said he would do it for twenty-five cents." "Twenty-five cents?" "Well that's not even worth it." "All right guys, come on." "Let's go to the next house." "Dude." "Son of a bitch!" "Still more immigrants from the future arrived at the time border today, some even bringing their entire families. the purplish goo that they have on their bodies when they arrive is an ectoplasmic side effect of the time-travel process." "This is all giving scientists a great opportunity to learn even more about American life in the future." "Chris Holt joins us now." "Chris?" "Yes, there are incredible things we're learning about Americans in the future," "Aaron." "Eh it appears that in the future," "Americans have evolved into a hairless uniform mix of all races." "They are all one color, which is a yellowy light-brownish whitish color." "Uh it seems race is no longer an issue in the future, because all ethnicities have mixed into one." "Perhaps most interesting is how this has affected their language." "The people in the future speak a complete mix of English," "Chinese, Turkish and, indeed, all world languages, which sounds something like this:" "Back to you, Aaron." "Apparently the people from the future are having a pretty easy time finding work." "Since they offer to work for such low wages, they're being hired all over America." "This is bullcrap!" "I ain't standing' for this!" "All right, folks, my name is Darryl Weathers and I'm with the Construction Workers' Union." "I work with a lot of fine men who have families to feed." "Now I don't know about you all, but we worked long and hard to get our pay up to a level where we could make a decent living." "And now these people from the future are showin' up and offering' to do the same work for next to nothin'!" "They took our jobs!" "We're in the moving business!" "Fourteen years we've been workin' our butts off!" "Now these future folk come in and we can't get work nowhere!" "They took our jobs!" "They took your jobs!" "Well what about us in the fast-food business?" "!" "The restaurants are firing us 'cause the future people work for a lot less!" "They took our jobs!" "They took your jobs!" "It's affecting kids too!" "Me and my friends started our own snow-shoveling business." "We were trying to be responsible and make money, you know?" "But then the people came along and, and now we're out of work too!" "Oh, they took our jobs!" "They took yer jobs!" "Stanley, it's almost eight o'clock." "Where have you been?" "I was at a rally to protest all the immigrants from the future coming in and tryin' tuh" "Oh yes, the laundry machine is down in the basement and our son is home." "Could you please set the table for dinner?" "Who is that?" "That's our new housekeeper, Mrs. Gruhd." "She's gonna help around the house on Tuesdays and Thursdays." "And she'll do it for ten cents an hour." "Oh, but that's the problem!" "Those goobacks are taking our jobs!" "What?" "Oh my God!" "Stan Marsh, how dare you use that time-bashing slur?" "!" "Who taught you to talk like that?" "!" "Well dude, they are taking people's jobs away." "They're only taking the small menial jobs that nobody else really wants to do." "I wanted my job!" "Hey, Stanley, you need to understand something:" "Those people from the future have had a hard life!" "Where they come from is dirty and overpopulated and poor!" "You can't even imagine the kind of depression they come from!" "So for us, who have everything sooo good, to judge them, is wrong!" "Do you understand?" "!" "Next time you think about calling them goobacks, you might just wanna stop for a second and think about how crappy the future really is!" "That's right!" "We're not raising our son to be an ignorant timecist." "Timecist?" "You know, a racist, but against people from the" "People from the future." "Right, got it." "All right, good." "Now, let's all go eat some of Mrs. Gruhd's great future cooking." "And now, here is Bill O'" " Reilly." "Welcome welcome to the No-Spin Zone, all right?" "And what we're talkin' about today are the immigrants from the future." "All right?" "Now, most people are more than happy to give a helping hand to these people who obviously need it." "All right?" "But others are starting to say that the time portal should be closed off." "All right?" "Now, I've got two guests with me tonight who have opposing views on the matter." "On my right is pissed-off white-trash redneck conservative." "Thanks for having me, Bill." "And on my left is aging hippie liberal douche." "Hello." "Now, pissed-off redneck, you say we shouldn't allow anyone else through the time portal, aright?" "You're Goddamned right!" "These people from the future are takin' all the work away from us decent present-day Americans!" "They took our jobs!" "They took our jobs!" "Those jobs belong to people from the present!" "Aright." "What say you, aging hippie liberal douche" "Heh it's typical for conservatives rednecks like these to view the immigrants as the problem, heh, but really, the problem is America." "It is our greedy multinational corporations that keep everyone else in poverty." "Your ancestors came to America as immigrants." "What right do you have to turn these people away?" "Aright, redneck, your rebuttal?" "They took our jobs!" "They took our jobs!" "Too-kourderb!" "All right, children, the school board has mandated that I must now teach class in both present-day English and Futurespeak." "What?" "!" "So, with that in mind, let's continue our lessons on verbs." "Remember that there are transitive verbs such as" ""The boy threw the red ball," which in Futurespeak of course, is..." "Everyone say it with me?" "Aaand there are intransitive verbs, such as" ""The 11:15 bus from Denver arrived twelve hours late." "" Or in Futurespeak, "Vvut. "" ""Vvut. "" "Dude, hold on!" "This is bullcrap!" "If they wanna live in our time, then they should learn our language!" "Yeah!" "That's right!" "Hey now, these immigrants have a right to retain their culture." "Who are we to say our language is best?" "They deserve to have an education just as much as you do." "Thank you, aging hippie liberal douche." "You betcha." "Timmih." "Okay, now let's get back to it, kids." "What kind of verb is this?" ""The sad girl puts balls in her mouth. " Or, in Futurespeak of course, "Gluch gligh balls glych gligh. "" "This is bullcrap!" "Listen up, everybody!" "We've just received a reply from our congressman." ""Dear intolerant rednecks, we sympathize with you all losing your jobs." "However, we feel your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the time border is inhumane. "" "What?" "That's ridiculous!" "They can't do that!" "That was a good idea!" "So it appears the government ain't gonna help us!" "Which means we gotta take matters into our own hands!" "The only way to stop people from the future is to stop the future from happening!" "Hey that's right!" "If there is no future, then there'll be no people from the future to come back and take our jobs!" "Take rjurbs" "All right!" "So, any ideas how we can stop the future from happening?" "How about we cause more global warming, so that in the future, the polar ice caps melt, and and it ushers in a new ice age?" "How the hell is global warming gonna cause an ice age?" "!" "Well you know, the... global warming could bring on like a climate shift or somethin'?" "Chet, you are a fuckin' retard, you know that?" "!" "Even if global warming were real, which all proven scientific data shows it isn't, it would take millions of years for a climate shift to happen!" "You think an ice age can just happen all of a sudden-like?" "Well I was just tryin' to be helpful." "Well help yourself to a fuckin' science book, 'cause you're talkin' like a fuckin' retard!" "Now, come on people, we've got to think!" "Damnit, they took our jaorbs!" "They took our jobs!" "Aw, dude." "Gaur da'ka?" "Can you speak in present-day English please?" "Uh oh..." "Can I help... you?" "Uh yeah, I want a double cheeseburger and fries." "Chicken sandwich?" "No, a double cheeseburger and fries!" "A cheeg- fry?" "What?" "!" "A cheeg- fry?" "We can't understand you, asshole!" "Can I help you?" "I'm trying to order a double cheeseburger!" "Chicken sandwich?" "No, it's not a chicken sandwich!" "I want a Goddamned cheeseburger and some Goddamned fries you fucking goobacks!" "Stan Marsh!" "Come on, people, think!" "How are we gonna stop these immigrants from takin' our jobs!" "Hey, I got an idea." "Uh maybe we should all take off all our clothes, scramble into a big pile and start gettin' gay with each other." "Did you say "get gay"?" "Hey yeah." "Well that's not a bad idea!" "What?" "Gettin' gay?" "Think about it:" "These people are from the future, right?" "Well, if we can git everyone to turn queer, then there won't be no children to have no children, and the people from the future won't exist to take our jobs!" "I ain't turning' queer." "You have to, Jimbo, or else we won't be able to stop them!" "They too 'r jaobs!" "Yeah, they took our jobs!" "Took our jobs!" "Let's go over to that part of town that all the future people moved into and start humping' each other until they disappear!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "You want your jobs back or not?" "!" "All right, you future bastards!" "Think you can take our jubs?" "!" "Well, we'll show you!" "Come'ere, Earl!" "." "How do you like that, gooback?" "!" "Come on, you guys!" "Everyone who believes in America, join in with us!" "We're gonna make these future bastards nonexistent!" "Aw, come on, Dad!" "How come I have to go to work with you?" "Because you're being grounded, Stanley!" "Now I don't wanna hear another word out of your intolerant mouth!" "You just sit right there, Stanley, and you thnk about what you've done!" "You'll find all the copiers and printers in the next room over and then uh" "Hey, Mr. Nelson." "Oh..." "R-Randy..." "Uh I'm surprised to see you here." "Why?" "This is my office." "Ooohh boy, didn't you get my phone message?" "Ooo, this is awkward." "Well, the thing is, Randy, you've been- replaced." "What?" "Well we found an immigrant from the future who knows geology and he offered to work for next to nothing." "Uh, this is Mr. Glughgogawk." "Gheglo." "You can't be serious." "I'm... sssorry, Randy." "It's just, with all the budget cuts and all, we'll give you some time to clean out your desk." "Follow me, Mr. Glughgogawk." "I'll show you to the copy room." "Oh my God." "They took my jarb!" "They took yer jarb!" "This is CNN." "Breaking news at the time border." "We go now live to Harrison Moore." "Aaron, I'm standing at the time border where some kind of mass protest has broken out." "Hundreds of men who have lost their jobs to time immigrants are here having sex with one another." "These men have apparently sucked and screwed their way across the state and are now here at the time border trying to get national attention." "These unemployed men have been having sex for several days." "Joining me is their spokesperson, Randy Marsh." "Mr. Marsh, what exactly are you trying to accomplish?" "We're doing the only thing we can do." "If our government is just gonna let anybody into our time who wants to come, then we have to take matters into our own hands." "We're trying to turn everyone gay so that there are no future humans!" "Present-day America Number One!" "Yeah America!" "Take our jobs!" "Do you really think you can get enough people to turn gay to destroy the future of humanity?" "All we can do is try, Harrison." "Trying to stop immigration is intolerant and ignorant." "Those immigrants have a right to pursue happiness." "Young man, what do you think about all this?" "I I think it's wrong to call them goobacks because they're no different from us." "They're just humans trying to make their lives better." "Look, it sucks that the immigrants' time is so crappy, but the cold hard truth is that if we let them all come back to our time, then it's just gonna make our time crappy too." "Maybe the answer isn't trying to stop the future from happening, but making the future better." "Huh?" "I mean, maybe if we all commit right now to working toward a better future, then, then the future won't be so bad, and, these immigrants won't need to come back here looking for work." "Hey." "He's right." "If we build for a better future, the immigrants will stay there." "Yeah." "We've got to start working towards a brighter tomorrow." "Well what are we waiting for?" "We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow." "Take the first step and you will see the future begins with you and me." "We can start to make a difference if we want it for our children" "Recycle that can and plant that tree, 'cause the future begins with you and me." "Look, it's working!" "The future begins with you and me." "The immigrants are fading' away!" "We're doing it!" "We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow." "Take the first step and you will see the future" "Dude, wait wait ho, hold on." "Wait a second." "This is gay." "This is really gay." "Yeah, this is even gayer than all the men getting in a big pile and having sex with each other." "Okay, sorry, my bad, e- everyone back in the pile." "Back in the pile everyone!" "We're going back to the pile." "Jump in!" "Come on, everybody!" "Never mind, we're going back to the pile!" "Took ur jurb!" "willow:...) January 24th, 2005"