"(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "There is something we could show you?" "Pajamas." "Will you be so good as to step this way?" "May I call monsieur's attention to the fact we are featuring a special sale at reduced prices of raincoats, umbrellas, tennis racquets and portable phonographs." "I want some pajamas." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "May I interest monsieur in a new men's perfume?" "In these days of greater equality between the sexes, perfume should not be the privilege of ladies only." "It is the contention of our management that the man who smells is a thing of the future." "You ought to go a long way." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Service, Mr. Lelong." "Pajamas, size 42." "Thank you, monsieur." "Monsieur interested in neckwear?" "A very becoming tie, monsieur." "We have the same in maroon, dark green, orange, blue, and a very discreet pink." "Perhaps monsieur would prefer a bow tie?" "No, thanks." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Not even in Paris could monsieur find a wider selection." "(CLEARING THROAT) I'll take this one." "How much?" "200 francs." "Here's 100." "I just want the tops." "What?" "I don't want the pants, just the tops." "Oh, I'm very sorry, monsieur, but we don't sell the jackets without the pantalon." "But I don't sleep in pantalon, and I don't buy stuff I don't use." "What monsieur wants is a nightshirt." "No, I don't want a nightshirt." "Take the 100 francs and wrap it up." "Why, it's a case without precedent." "We have no authority." "I've had this argument all over the world." "If it's a question of price, monsieur, there are cheaper pajamas." "It's not a question of price, it's a matter of principle." "This pajama business is a racket, and I don't fall for it." "90% of the male population don't sleep in pajama pants, don't want pajama pants, yet buy pajama pants." "Be honest." "How about you?" "I'm an exceptional case, monsieur." "I sleep with just a muffler." "And I, for my part, sleep with..." "Never mind." "Do I get the coat or don't I?" "This is a revolutionary request, monsieur." "I must consult my superior." "Just one moment." "(INAUDIBLE)" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Residence of monsieur de la Coste." "Very well, monsieur." "They're calling from your store, monsieur." "Monsieur the Vice President wishes to speak to Monsieur the President on a very important matter." "Yes, what is it?" "What?" "Oh, no, no." "Never, never." "Why, that is communism." "Can't you sell him anything else?" "What about a straw hat?" "Monsieur, the management feels that to sell a pair of pajamas without the trousers would create a precedent, and the consequences might prove disastrous." "Now, our president says we've had enough trouble in Europe as it is, and he wonders if you would be kind enough to look at a selection of straw hats?" "You tell your president that if I can't buy pajamas without the trousers, I'll..." "I'll buy the trousers." "Yes, I may buy the trousers." "How do you do?" "How do you do, madame?" "How do you do, madame?" "How do you do?" "I'm looking for pajamas for a gentleman, and for his purpose the trousers are enough." "SALESMAN:" "A very fortunate solution." "Yes, it certainly is." "Provided we can agree on the color and the pattern, of course." "Well, how about this blue pair?" "Oh, heavens, no." "It's too dark." "I like to see something gay in the morning, don't you?" "Not too darned gay." "There's not a laugh in me before breakfast." "Oh, you should try to brighten up your life." "Now, let's see." "How about this one?" "Stripes?" "I hate stripes." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, now, that's funny." "When I was standing at the other counter," "I was watching you." "You were?" "Oh, I hope you don't mind." "Not a bit." "Well, I said to myself, now if I had to select pajamas for that gentleman, what would I choose?" "And let me tell you, if ever there was a stripey type, it's you." "(GIGGLING)" "(MUMBLING)" "Why don't you try it on?" "All right." "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "What do you think?" "Stunning." "These things are so loud I'd hear them in the dark." "I have enough trouble getting to sleep." "(EXCLAIMS) You don't look like a martyr to insomnia." "Really." "It's no joke." "I don't sleep well." "Well, surely you can't blame it on the pajamas." "I guess you're right." "It's probably the climate." "Now, don't blame it on the Riviera." "I resent that." "We have the best climate in the world here, and we're very proud of it." "I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I don't sleep." "Maybe you should see a doctor." "(SIGHS) By the way, how many pillows do you use?" "None." "Did you ever try putting two pillows under your feet?" "No." "Don't do it." "It's very bad." "Oh, do you know what might help you?" "The method of Professor Urganzeff." "What's that?" "Well, you take a long word, like "Czechoslovakia" for instance, and you spell it backwards." "I can't even spell it forward." "Oh, you should try it just once." "As you spell it backwards, you stretch and yawn between each letter." "(GASPS) You'll drift off in no time." "Sounds swell." "You'll take the stripes?" "I'll take the stripes." "All right, I'll take the coat." "And I'll take the trousers." "How shall we divide the charges?" "Well, that should be simple." "The whole pajamas cost... 200 francs." "Well, 50-50." "Oh, that's not fair." "You should pay more for the coat." "But there's more material in the pants." "But don't forget I threw in Professor Urganzeff." "Oh, about this "Czechoslovakia." When do I do it?" "You go to bed and turn out the lights, and then you start." "Oh, it's wonderful and so easy." "A- l-K... (MOANING)" "You only have to worry about "Slovakia."" "By the time you reach "Czech" you're fast asleep." "All right, I'll pay 125." "Very well, monsieur." "That makes 125 for monsieur, and 75 francs for madame." "Will you be so kind as to pay cashier number nine?" "Right here, please." "You will receive your packages at the adjoining counter." "Thank you." "It must be pretty nice for a husband to have a wife who picks up bargains for him." "Kind of restores your faith in marriage." "I'm sorry to shatter your illusions." "I'm not buying these trousers for a husband." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Well, you see, madame..." "Or is it mademoiselle?" "It's kind of tough for a foreigner." "Sometimes you say madame when it's mademoiselle, and sometimes you say mademoiselle..." "Now, look here, I think I can help you." "You want to know if I'm married?" "Yes." "I'm not." "(EXCLAIMS) Well, I'm a pretty tall man, you know." "(LAUGHS) Oh, so I see." "Well, it's kind of hard to believe that someone who is as little and as dainty and, as you French say, as petite as you could have such a big brother." "I have no brother." "Well, don't tell me you're buying those pajamas for yourself." "After all, I'm 6'3"." "(LAUGHS) There are other tall men in the world." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Goodbye, monsieur." "Goodbye, mademoiselle." "Goodbye." "Make it snappy, will you?" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Tell me, who was that lady?" "Oh, she's very charming, isn't she, monsieur?" "Well, I know that, but who is she?" "The story writes itself, doesn't it?" "What do you mean?" "Well, a beautiful lady buys a pair of pajamas for a gentleman." "She has no husband." "She has no brother." "Voilà." "Voilà what?" "A lady in love." "(GRUNTS) You Frenchmen always think the worst." "Maybe it was for an uncle." "Oh, no, monsieur." "For an uncle, you buy a pipe." "But why did she buy just the pants?" "Love has its own secrets, monsieur." "(CHUCKLES)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "How about a straw hat, monsieur?" "(SHOUTS) Leave me alone." "A" " I K A..." "(YAWNING LOUDLY)" "...V..." "A- l-K... (YAWNING)..." "A-V... (BRANDON SNORING)" "It doesn't work." "Give us one more chance, monsieur." "I'm certain that you will like Apartment 418." "There's nothing wrong with the apartment downstairs." "It's that ocean." "But this is a different floor." "But it's the same ocean." "But don't forget, monsieur, that up here you're 22 feet higher." "What sounds like a wild ocean on the third floor, on the fourth, sounds like a little difficulty with the plumbing." "There." "Voilà, monsieur." "This is the most exquisite suite on the Riviera." "Show me the bedroom." "If you please, monsieur, this way." "This, monsieur, is the most elegant bedchamber in our entire..." "Hello." "Hello." "And now if monsieur would inspect the rest of the apartment?" "If you please, monsieur." "Does he go with the place?" "No, no, monsieur." "It is nothing." "Just a slight misunderstanding." "If you please." "(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)" "Monsieur le Marquis, you have caused this hotel grave embarrassment." "You had ample warning to move out." "I have not yet given up this apartment." "You have been moved to Apartment 53." "Next to the servants' quarters?" "Never." "May I remind you that you haven't paid your bills for the last two months?" "And may I remind you that I am heartily disgusted with the food in this hotel?" "You are in no position to complain." "Last Wednesday, for instance." "That steak was tough." "Maybe it was." "But that was no reason for you to disturb the whole dining room by calling for a hammer and chisel." "I do not permit any such criticism of my behavior from a hotel employee." "Then why don't you leave the hotel?" "I will." "Not before you've paid your 60,000 francs." "You're going to be paid, to the last sou." "(SCOFFS) I've heard that before, monsieur." "Oh, you'll regret this, my good man." "I am in communication with an American multi-millionaire." "(GRUNTS)" "I have submitted to him a business proposition of such magnitude that the mention of 60,000 francs makes me laugh." "Has he accepted?" "Well, he hasn't refused." "I mailed my letter Monday." "Well, you can wait for your answer in Apartment 53." "I will not." "Unless these rooms are vacated in one hour, we'll clear them by force." "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "This is the Marquis de Loiselle speaking." "Mr. Brandon?" "Oh, Mr. Brandon, how do you do?" "Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour, Mr. Brandon." "Did you get my letter, Mr. Brandon?" "What do you think about my proposition?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "You're talking from New York?" "From New York?" "(TALKING LOUDLY) Oh, I thought you were in Nice, Mr. Brandon." "I said, I thought you were in Nice, Mr. Brandon." "Can you hear me?" "Hello?" "Mr. Brandon." "Mr. Brandon." "What?" "You want to speak to Mr. Brandon?" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Hold it." "I'm coming." "Thanks." "New York?" "Brandon speaking." "How's the market, Jeff?" "Canadian General dropped to 85?" "Buy 300,000 more." "How's Pacific Limited?" "Fine." "Sell it." "Add another $500,000 and buy Gusher Petroleum to the whole amount." "Yeah." "Did you get an estimate on the tin factory at Peepeck?" "$2,125,000?" "It's a bargain." "Buy it." "Operator." "Don't interrupt, Operator." "I know it's three minutes." "Hello, Jeff." "Say, did you read the Sunday paper?" "How did Flash Gordon get out of that burning submarine?" "He didn't?" "Oh, not till next Sunday?" "All right." "Send me a wire." "So long." "Thanks." "(STUTTERING) Just a second." "Mr. Brandon." "Yes?" "I am the Marquis de Loiselle." "How do you do?" "I'm very glad to have met you." "Well, well, well, don't you know who I am?" "Well, you just told me." "A marquis." "Well, that's somewhere between a count and a duke, isn't it?" "I wrote to you about a business proposition." "Well, I get 100 business propositions a day." "What did you say your name was?" "De Loiselle." "L" " O-I-S-E-L-L-E." "Oh, Mr. Loiselle." "Sure, I remember." "Well, what do you think about my idea?" "Great." "Isn't it?" "One of the best projects ever submitted to me." "Terrific possibilities." "It's a gold mine." "Millions in it, millions." "Then you'll do it?" "No." "Why not?" "It isn't worth a nickel unless it's handled right." "Oh, naturally, Mr. Brandon." "But with my experience?" "Let me tell you what I've done." "Don't bother." "I know everything about you." "For instance, in 1924, why did you induce a Mr. Bernier to finance automobile races?" "Why, he was a very rich man." "He had the money." "I had the experience." "When the races were over, you had the money and he had the experience." "Your bank account is overdrawn 10,675 francs." "How did you know that?" "If a man wants to do business with me," "I have to know everything about him." "Always check up." "Always investigate." "Oh, that's an excellent idea." "This world is full of scoundrels." "You bet it is." "So long, Mr. Loiselle." "But, Mr. Brandon..." "I'm sorry, I'm a busy man." "Mr. Brandon, if you won't finance my business project, would you be interested in buying a bathtub?" "A what?" "I have in my possession one of the glories of France, the one and only bathtub of Louis XIV." "Sorry, I use a shower." "Oh, but you wouldn't have to use it as a tub." "You could put it in your library, use it as an ashtray." "Always throw my ashes on the carpet." "Carpet." "Carpet." "I can sell you a carpet." "Mr. Brandon." "Mr. Brandon." "Mr. Brandon." "Mr. Brandon." "No, no, no." "I'm sorry." "I tell you I can't..." "Aren't you ashamed?" "A man of your age fooling around with a sweetheart." "You know that, too." "I only have to look at your pants, and I know everything." "My pantalon?" "Oh, I must apologize, of course." "They certainly don't match, and they are very much too long, but you see..." "Well, you know my financial situation." "My daughter tries to economize." "Your daughter?" "She bought these for me yesterday." "My coat's still good, you see." "The girl who bought those pants..." "Is my daughter." "Is she married?" "No." "Engaged?" "No." "In love with anyone?" "No, no, no." "I'll buy the bathtub." "You'll buy the bathtub, Mr. Brandon?" "Don't call me Mr. Brandon." "Call me Mike." "We're gonna be related." "It's only a matter of form." "Do you want to know something?" "I'm beginning to believe in pants." "If you hadn't worn those pants," "I never would have bought that bathtub." "Do you want to know something else?" "We're going to celebrate our honeymoon in Czechoslovakia." "Yes, sir." "(YODELING)" "Albert." "Nicole." "Hello, Nicole." "Hello." "I'm sorry I'm late." "I was detained at the beauty shop." "That's all right, Nicole." "Right in the middle of a manicure, the proprietor came in and presented me with last month's bill." "Did you pay him?" "What do you think?" "You know, the same thing happened to me once with a doctor, in the middle of an operation." "Do you realize I'm probably the only living man with just one tonsil?" "(LAUGHS) Albert, I'd like to talk to you seriously." "Do you think that's possible, by any chance?" "Money troubles?" "Let's sit down." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "Oh, it's terrible." "We owe everybody." "Have you ever had a waiter look at you with un-tipped eyes?" "And the elevator boy." "When I say, "Fourth floor," he says, "Yes, mademoiselle, "" "and makes a detour through the basement." "It's humiliating." "Oh, I wish I could help you." "You can." "You're the only person I know who works." "Albert, how does one get a job?" "Well, what can you do, Nicole?" "Nothing." "Absolutely nothing." "You know, it's incredible how useless I am." "I was thinking about it last night, and I got terribly depressed." "And then I remembered that you found a job, and that encouraged me a lot." "Hello." "Hello." "Someone you know?" "I met him once." "Who is he?" "All I know is he only sleeps in the tops of his pajamas." "Oh, I see." "Hey, you." "Are you speaking to me?" "(CHUCKLES) I beg your pardon." "I mean him." "Oh, he can't talk to me like that." "I should hope not." "Well, don't worry, I'll show him." "Good." "Well?" "Well?" "Well, good morning." "(CLEARS THROAT) Morning." "Mind if I sit down?" "Sit down." "You know, I was just saying to the lady I'm with, I said," ""Look, who's that good-looking chap over there?" Yes." "You know, your face looks familiar to me." "Oh, I know where we met." "At the races at Deauville last summer." "I wasn't at Deauville last year, and neither were you." "I beg your pardon." "You can't speak to me like that." "How dare you?" "(RAISING VOICE) I said I was at the races last summer." "You weren't." "I wasn't?" "No." "(EXCLAIMS)" "(GROANS)" "(SOFTLY) How do you know?" "I know everything about you." "You're the Count de Regnier." "You're a bank clerk, Paris branch of the New York Discount Bank." "You get 2,000 francs a month, and you're not worth it." "You work in Room Six at the desk by the window, and you spend most of your time looking out the window." "Are you a detective?" "No, I own the bank." "(STUTTERING) Oh, Mr. Brandon." "It's my boss." "Better not be too rough with him." "Well, I don't know." "At your service, Mr. Brandon." "What are you doing on the Riviera anyway, when your vacation was over last Friday?" "Oh, was it?" "It's amazing how time flies, isn't it?" "Since you're here, you might as well act as my secretary." "Yes, sir." "Take a letter." "Yes, sir." ""Museum of Fine Arts, Hannibal, Michigan." That's my hometown." ""Gentlemen, within the next few days," ""I am shipping you the bathtub of Louis XIV."" "You bought it?" "Soon as I saw your father's pants." ""They tell me said bathtub is genuine." ""I can't guarantee this because I wasn't around when Louis was bathing." ""But, in any case, it cost plenty." "Yours truly," and so forth." "Go to Room 307, type that and wait for me." "Here's the key." "Yes, sir." "Sorry, Nicole." "I understand." "Still crazy about me?" "(LAUGHS) Oh, it would be hard to resist a man of your natural charm and finesse, Mr. Brandon." "I love the delicate way you talk to your employees and still indicate that you're not quite pleased with them." "You seem to be a man full of innuendos." "I just try to make myself clear." "Are you staying here long?" "Well, you never can tell." "You know, I'm pretty glad I came to the Riviera." "Oh, yes, it's a lovely place." "Beautiful." "But the class of people who come here gets worse every year." "And this year we seem to have next year's crowd already." "It's been interesting to meet you, Mr. Brandon." "How about marrying me?" "How did you get here?" "Just called the French navy." "A battleship dropped me." "Oh, yes, I forgot." "You're an important person." "Say, can I talk business with you?" "Business?" "I have a complaint." "Czechoslovakia." "Didn't it work?" "It made matters worse." "It reminded me of you, I never shut an eye." "I couldn't get you out of my mind." "A couple more nights like that and I'd be a nervous wreck." "I'm in a bad way." "You know, I'm crazy about you." "Why, poor Mr. Brandon." "It's no joke." "The minute I saw you in that store, I said to myself," ""There's the girl I'm going to marry."" "Does that seem kind of sudden?" "Oh, no, no." "A man in your position can't waste time." "I believe in snap judgments." "That's the foundation of my business and the secret of my success." "I act on the spur of the moment." "I act on impulse." "Now, Mr. Brandon, don't be too spontaneous." "I hate overtures." "Lovemaking is the red tape of marriage." "It doesn't get you anywhere." "I could take you out for three months and send you flowers and all that flapdoodle, and I wouldn't know any more about you than I do right now." "It's only after the marriage that you find out." "That you've got the wrong girl." "Or the right one." "Love and business, it's just the same, you have to gamble." "You have to take chances." "Only yesterday I took a chance in oil." "(EXCLAIMS) How is oil?" "Fine." "Went up five points." "How's steel?" "Not so good." "Say, are you interested in finance?" "(LAUGHING) I should say I am." "Gee, that's swell." "We're going to have a great time." "Yes." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "What do you say?" "Pardon me, Mr. Brandon." "Was it "Yours very truly" or "Very truly yours"?" "Make it "Sincerely." Yes, sir." "Now, where were we?" "On the stock market." "Oh, stop kidding." "I'm asking you to marry me, seriously." "Oh, let's not be too hasty, Mr. Brandon." "Don't you want to know a little something more about me?" "Ask me a few questions before you definitely make up your mind?" "No." "Not even how I feel about this matter?" "(LAUGHS) Well, I..." "Oh, no, perhaps that doesn't occur to a man with $50 million." "I haven't $50 million." "You haven't $50 million?" "Not quite." "Oh, well, Mr. Brandon." "A man with your manners can't possibly afford to have less than $50 million." "You're behaving beyond your income." "I'll make the rest of it if you say so." "I'm sure you will, any morning before breakfast." "Mr. Brandon, you're terrific." "You're gigantic." "You're breathtaking." "I wish someone would tell you what I really think of you." "(MOTOR WHIRRING)" "(BELL DINGING)" "Come in." "How do you do, Mr. Brandon?" "(DOOR CLOSING)" "BRANDON:" "Hello, Albert." "(GROANING)" "Don't you feel well, sir?" "Is there anything I can do for you?" "I'm all shot to pieces." "I can't sleep anymore." "Well, about that letter, Mr. Brandon, to the Museum of Fine Arts..." "Albert, if you want to keep your job with me, don't you ever remind me of it." "Never mention the Marquis or that daughter of his." "No, sir." "Lay off of pajama pants." "Yes, sir." "I don't want to hear any more about the Riviera." "No, sir." "Don't speak to me about France, and keep away from Czechoslovakia." "Well, if it meets with your approval, sir, I won't say anything." "Albert, you're a very sweet guy." "I forget, how much salary do you get?" "2,000 francs a month." "Well, that's enough." "I shouldn't have come to the Riviera in the first place." "Now don't talk about it anymore." "I want to forget the whole darn..." "What's that?" "The bathtub, sir." "(SHOUTS) The what?" "The bathtub of Louis XIV." "To say no to a man like that, a man who wasn't even hit by the Depression." "I counted on it." "I know you did." "Well, what are we going to do now?" "I thought we'd have all the money in the world, so I bought a few little things." "I had to have several new suits." "We needed a new car, Nicole, and I've always wanted to have a billiard table." "Father, you're going to cancel everything you bought." "Oh, not everything." "I still have my 60,000 francs." "What 60,000 francs?" "The check for the bathtub." "Give me that check." "He bought it." "He didn't want that bathtub." "That check is his down payment on me." "That's not true, Nicole." "He insisted upon buying it." "He's crazy about that bathtub." "Come in." "Is there any message?" "Yes." "Mr. Brandon said that you are..." "Maurice." "Why make an enemy?" "Oh, all right." "Leave it here in the anteroom." "Give me that check." "What?" "Oh." "But the family, Nicole." "I promised to pay all their hotel bills." "What hotel bills?" "I telephoned Paris and asked them all down for the announcement of your engagement." "(SIGHS) Well, you call them up this minute and tell them not to come." "Oh, Nicole, you know the family." "With their expenses paid, they're on the train by now." "Give me that check." "Oh, well..." "BRANDON:" "Come in." "Hello." "I imagine you're surprised to see me." "Not at all." "I expected to." "Oh, you did." "Sure." "Well, you see, I've changed my mind about you." "I knew you would." "I thought you were a good businessman." "What's that?" "Here's the check, Mr. Brandon." "And let this be a lesson to you." "Never buy a saddle on a chance that the horse will be thrown in." "Now, look here." "I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me." "I never renege on a deal, but in this case, it so happens that it..." "Oh, don't worry, we release you." "What do you mean, you release me?" "You haven't got a leg to stand on, legally." "(SIGHS) Now, look here, Mr. Brandon." "I came here in the most friendly spirit." "Yes, you did." "But that was a closed deal." "You bought a bathtub." "And I got a washbasin." "Why don't you call an expert?" "All right, let's get the plumber." "Mr. Brandon, I know nothing whatsoever about your education, but King Louis XIV... (LAUGHS) By the way, have you any idea when Louis XIV reigned?" "Well, from..." "From..." "To..." "Well, I tell you, it's a washbasin." "I warn you, Mr. Brandon, if you question our business ethics, we'll force you to go through with the deal." "You're practically claiming that we've sold you something under false pretenses." "You bought a wash..." "I mean a bathtub." "No, you don't." "You mean a washbasin." "Give me that check." "Say, what kind of a hotel is this, anyway?" "The shower doesn't work, the bathtub's out of kilter and..." "Well, connect me with the head mechanic." "Never mind." "Take a letter." "Yes, sir." ""Dear Mademoiselle Nicole." "You were right, and I was wrong." ""It can be done." "So please let me apologize" ""from the bottom of your bathtub."" ""From the bottom of your bathtub."" ""Whether the darn thing is too short," ""or I am too long, is a question" ""I would like to discuss with you at dinner." ""I'm sure that this more formal approach will meet with your approval," ""so shall we say 8:30 tonight?"" ""...shall we say..."" "(CRASHING)" ""I remain sincerely yours, Michael Brandon." I'll sign it later." "It was a washbasin." "(WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING)" "1643 to 1715." "What?" "Louis XIV." "You looked it up." "Born September the 5th, 1638." "Came to the throne at the age of five." "Won the Battle of Steenkirke in 1692." "Got mixed up with madame du Barry." "Died at 4:00 in the afternoon on Friday, May the 10th, of smallpox." "That's sweet of you." "Michael." "Yes, Nicole?" "Ninety-five to ninety-seven and a half." "What?" "Oil." "It went up two and a half points." "I'm so glad." "Oh, I've never been happier in my life." "And not on account of those two and a half points." "Oh, wait a minute." "Louis XIV didn't die of smallpox." "That was Louis XV." "Oh." "Well, I must have skipped a page." "Forgive me?" "Oh, you know, when I saw you first..." "Do you mind if I skip a few pages?" "No." "I'm crazy about you." "(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Mesdames et messieurs." "We are ready for the photograph." "When is this wedding going to be?" "In two weeks." "You'll get your money." "I'm surprised to say I rather like you, Michael." "Thank you, Grandmother." "Michael." "Don't call her Grandmother." "That's Aunt Hedwige, the head of the family." "If she had said "no" to our engagement," "I still would marry you." "(CHUCKLES) Darling." "And when you talk to my uncle from Vienna..." "Oh, I know." "I should say "Your Highness."" "No, that's not necessary." "Just call him Uncle Auguste." "But never say to an Archduke, "Hey, Archie."" "You just give me time." "I'll learn." "(SIGHS)" "(LAUGHS) I haven't worn this suit for quite a while." "What's that?" "Rice." "Rice?" "Sure." "Don't you use it over here?" "Why, of course we do, for puddings." "Oh, we use it for weddings." "You throw it at the bride and groom for luck." "(EXCLAIMS) Did it bring them luck?" "Well, we had a pleasant six months." "What?" "You..." "PHOTOGRAPHER:" "Smile, everybody." "Smile, please." "That's fine." "One..." "Two..." "Just a moment." "We'll be right back." "Come, Michael." "Michael just wants to tell me something." "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "Michael, you've been married?" "Yes, but that's all right." "My decree's final." "Do you mind?" "No, I suppose not." "I thought you knew." "You didn't tell me." "Don't you read the American newspapers?" "It was front-page stuff." "I thought your father was very well-informed about me." "He only knows about your bank account." "And all I know about you is I liked you in a department store," "I hated you on a float, and I fell in love with you over a bathtub." "Darling." "(SIGHS)" "Oh, darling." "(SIGHS)" "What was her name?" "Marjorie." "I called her Mug." "Why did you divorce?" "Oh, well..." "Did she do something wrong?" "No, no." "She was a little jealous, but there was no reason." "I told her I was crazy about Linda." "Linda?" "Yes, Linda." "Then why didn't you marry Linda?" "I did." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Now, let me get this straight." "You divorced Marjorie because she was jealous of Linda, and you divorced Linda on account of Marjorie?" "No, no, you've got it all wrong." "You see," "I knew Marjorie long before I met Linda." "Yes." "And I was going to marry Marjorie when Elsie popped up." "(EXCLAIMS) And Elsie..." "Am I boring you?" "Oh, no, no." "No." "It's all very interesting." "I like to get your point of view." "You see, to me this is a very important step." "I happen to believe in marriage." "So do I." "Where were we?" "Elsie just popped up." "Say, this may take some time." "We'd better go and have the picture taken." "Michael, in one word, how many times have you been married?" "Well, you've heard about Henry VIII?" "You mean, six times?" "No, seven." "You do believe in marriage." "Seven marriages and seven divorces." "No, only six." "One died." "I beg your pardon?" "A natural death." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Well, shall we get the picture over with?" "Get it over with?" "You mean just like a marriage?" "Say, you're taking this whole thing too seriously." "Oh, no, no." "I'm just being practical." "You see, today if I'm walking on the street and someone calls" ""Mademoiselle de Loiselle," at least I know that's I." "But if someone calls "Mrs. Brandon," it might cause a traffic jam." "And 10 years from now, if you continue like this," "I might be trampled to death." "I'm just too much of a coward." "No, Michael." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "(WOMAN SCREAMING)" "What's the matter?" "It's a fainting spell." "Everyone out." "Out." "Everyone out at once." "Where is this Mr. Brandon?" "Where is this Mr. Brandon?" "Young man, we've been humiliated quite enough." "Now, just a minute..." "Don't interrupt me." "I'm speaking as the head of the family de la Loiselle de la Vertinier de la Courtoisie, including the branch of the Faussignac de Gascony, and I suggest that you take your hat and leave." "Get out of here." "Oh, getting tough, huh?" "I'm not afraid of you." "Do you know what you are?" "Now, look here, Grandmother..." "Don't call her Grandmother, I told you." "And don't you call him..." "Well, anyhow, be careful." "And stop screaming at each other." "If you want to quarrel, go somewhere else." "(WHISPERS) Michael." "(WHISPERS) Yes, Aunt Hedwige?" "You're the lowest human being I ever met." "Is that so?" "I never realized the depths to which depravity could sink." "So I'm depraved, am I?" "Well, what's a man gonna do when he falls in love with a girl?" "Why, marry her and stay married." "And if he finds he's made a mistake?" "Carry on behind her back, lie, make excuses?" "Not me." "I think that's immoral." "Besides, I'm too busy." "And how about your poor wives?" "They're much better than before I married them." "Financially, I suppose." "You mean financially?" "BRANDON:" "Exactly." "Keep quiet, Father." "You see, I make a clean-cut pre-marriage settlement." "Pre-marriage settlement." "Oh, that's so romantic of you, Michael." "Well, I try to be fair." "And in case of divorce, she gets..." "We're not interested in your money." "Well, $50,000 a year for life isn't to be laughed at." "We're discussing a matter of the human heart." "What's $50,000?" "Yes, what's $50,000?" "Why, that's a million francs." "From government bonds." "You mean tax free?" "Father, I want you to keep out of this." "Achille de Loiselle, if you let financial considerations influence you for a moment..." "Why shouldn't we consider this proposition from all angles?" "Are you a father or an auctioneer?" "MARQUIS DE LOISELLE:" "I defy anyone to question my motives in this matter." "Then you defy me." "I forbid this marriage, absolutely and unconditionally." "I've had enough of your tyranny." "Aunt Hedwige, if you oppose this marriage..." "Will you be quiet, both of you?" "After all, it's my life that's being decided." "And will you stop walking?" "I'll make my own decision." "Now, look here, Michael Brandon." "You think that all you have to do is wave a check and no woman can resist you, but let me tell you something." "There are still women in this world who have other standards." "I refuse your $50,000." "AUNT HEDWIGE:" "Bravo!" "I want $100,000." "Bravo!" "Nicole!" "What's that?" "$100,000?" "$100,000 guaranteed in the marriage contract and I'm Mrs. Michael Brandon." "You can leave me whenever you wish." "Oh, that'll never be, I hope." "(LAUGHS) Oh, that's very gallant, Michael, but it's $100,000 just the same." "Well, that's quite a jump." "Make up your mind, Michael." "Think fast." "If you wait much longer it will be $150,000." "My price goes up every minute." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Well, Nicole, you got me on the spot." "I'm so crazy about you..." "Don't rush, my dear boy." "Take your time." "It's a deal." "It's a bargain." "It's a scandal." "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "Oh, Father." "Goodbye." "I want you to write, dear." "Yes, I will." "Goodbye." "Goodbye, Michael." "Goodbye." "Send a telegram." "Send several of them every now and then." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)" "Nicole." "Thank you, Albert." "Goodbye, Nicole, and if anything should happen..." "It won't." "Well, if you get unhappy, just send me a telegram, 'cause you can rely on me." "Nicole, I know that man." "He can be very nasty." "Anyway, don't worry about it." "And I wish you lots of luck." "Don't wish me luck, wish him luck." "He doesn't know it yet, but this time he's bought a washbasin." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hello, Mr. Brandon." "Hello." "Glad to see you back in Paris." "I hear you've been in Czechoslovakia." "Yeah." "What's wrong about that?" "Why, nothing, Mr. Brandon." "By the way, may I offer my congratulations?" "On what?" "Well, you got married." "Oh, yes." "Thank you." "You're very happy, I suppose?" "Sure, I am." "Don't I look happy?" "Why, yes, very happy." "Anybody said anything?" "Oh, no, no, no." "Now, look here, no more cracks out of you." "Here, madame." "Thank you." "Will you charge it to me, please?" "Very well, madame Brandon." "Hello, Michael." "Hello." "Are you by any chance buying books?" "(GRUNTS)" "I thought you never read anything but the financial page." "Doctor's orders." "He thinks it'll quiet my nerves." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Yes, monsieur?" "I want some books." "I'd say about a half a dozen." "What sort, monsieur?" "Fiction?" "We have some very exciting new detective stories." "No, no, nothing like that." "I want something to quiet me down, something to put me to sleep." "Something to put you to sleep?" "Oh, what you want are the classics." "Yes, and put in one volume of poetry, in case you need a quick nap." "There's nothing like blank verse right after lunch." "Very well, I'll make up a selection." "If you'd be a little nicer to me," "I wouldn't have to buy all those books." "How about it?" "Michael, I have no gift of prophesy, but I see you ending up with a library." "Now, why don't you try to be reasonable, Nicole?" "Let's not quarrel again." "We fought all over Europe." "You've presented your arguments in every historical spot." "The pigeons in Venice are still frightened." "Will you glance over them, monsieur?" "No, that's all right." "You don't need to wrap them." "Charge them to me." "Very well, madame Brandon." "(DOOR CLOSING)" "(MUMBLING) If you'd be a little nicer to me books..." "Well..." "It was a pleasure to run into you, Michael." "Oh, by the way, you've done over your boudoir, haven't you?" "Yes." "It's all in turquoise, blue and silver." "Oh, it's really quite stunning." "But what about that green carpet, though?" "Why, green and blue are charming..." "How did you know?" "Well, your maid told my valet." "They're very friendly." "That sometimes happens, even when people live in the same apartment." "(CHUCKLES) Yes." "I think we're very lucky with most of our servants, don't you?" "Oh, you bet." "The new cook's fine." "Really?" "I'm hardly in a position to tell." "I've eaten here so little." "Oh, yes, I see by the papers you've been stepping out a lot lately." "(CHUCKLING) Yes, quite a bit." "Having a good time?" "Oh, it's wonderful not to be under parental control anymore." "That's what I love about marriage." "How's your father?" "Fine." "Rest of the family?" "Fine, thank you." "How's your business?" "Okay." "Anything else new?" "No, nothing I know about." "Well, goodbye." "Hope I run into you again sometime." "Goodbye, Michael." "Oh, Michael." "If you have any complaints about the household or the servants, just drop me a note." "And in case anything of importance comes up and you have to see me, it's perfectly all right." "Just give me a warning." "Hey, you." "Come here." "Are you Mrs. Brandon's new chauffeur?" "No." "Oh, you don't have to hide it from me." "I'm quitting the job anyhow." "But let me tell you something." "Don't take it." "You never get home before 3:00 in the morning." "(SHATTERING)" "Shakespeare." "(NICOLE EXCLAIMING) Oh, Michael!" "Michael, don't do that!" "Stop it!" "Where is it?" "Here." "(CLICKING TONGUE)" "Hurt?" "No." "This is awfully nice of you, Nicole." "Oh, no." "I always put iodine on people when I bite them." "Oh, your bark's worse than your bite." "No, it isn't." "Good evening, Mr. Brandon." "Well, Mrs. Brandon, this is certainly an honor." "(EXCLAIMS) I'm delighted you accepted my invitation." "Thank you." "What are the plans for tonight?" "Well, first I thought we'd have a little dinner here, and then the choice is yours." "I have tickets for the Russian ballet, and tickets for the prize fights." "It's absolutely up to you." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Here's to our agreement, no lovemaking, no quarrels." "Just like an ordinary married couple." "I said no quarrels." "(EXCLAIMS) It's rather strong, Mr. Brandon." "Do you think so?" "Mmm-hmm." "Well, if you keep your part of the agreement, I'll be very generous." "We'll go to the prize fights." "But the slightest slip and you'll find yourself at the Russian ballet." "Oh, I must explain." "This is sort of a buffet supper." "Buffet supper?" "You see, the servants are going to a ball tonight." "(EXCLAIMS)" "I think one should consider them now and then." "After all, these are pretty unsettled times." "You can't ride them too hard." "That's what starts revolutions." "Yes." "Michael, let me warn you." "The Russians are dancing three ballets tonight." "Cupid and Psyche," "A Toy Shop in Old Moscow and The Glow Worm's Birthday." "I'll behave." "(SIGHS)" "(SNIFFING)" "What's the matter?" "Do you smell something?" "No." "There must be onions around here." "Oh, yes, right there." "Onions!" "That darn fool knows I can't be in the same room with onions!" "Oh, Michael, Michael, be calm." "I can meet this crisis." "Very nice of you." "It's all right." "Oh, no, no champagne." "The cocktail was quite strong enough." "Now, let's keep the conversation very impersonal so there won't be the slightest temptation to quarrel." "All right, any subject you want." "Oh, the choice is entirely yours, Michael." "Art, music, history, the League of Nations." "Anything that doesn't interest you." "Fine, I'll make it as dull as I can." "Thank you." "And here's to you." "1643 to 1715." "1643 to 1715?" "Louis XIV." "Won the Battle of Steenkirke in 1692." "Got mixed up with madame du Barry." "Michael." "Well, that's history, isn't it?" "It's a sad chapter." "Oh, this caviar is salty." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Oh, speaking of music, do you remember the waltz they were playing when King Louis died of smallpox?" "I don't remember any waltz." "And after the king died, oil went up two and a half points." "I don't remember any waltz." "I'll play it for you." "(WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING)" "I don't suppose you'd be interested in a purely impersonal dance?" "Michael, the prize fight starts at 8:30." "Oh, what if we do miss the preliminary?" "(GIGGLES) All right." "But let me warn you, don't make this a preliminary." "Michael, I warn you." "(SIGHS)" "(GIGGLING)" "Oh, that caviar was so salty." "(SINGING) Looky, looky, looky Here comes Cookie" "Walking down the street" "Looky, looky, looky I call her Cookie" "'Cause she's sweet" "Oh, Michael, you're making me cry." "Oh, that's not fair." "Looky, looky, looky I call her Cookie" "'Cause she takes the cake" "In a department store, that's where I met you." "Yes, you called me the stripey type." "Oh, and I meant every stripe of it." "Oh, I could've taken you in my arms and kissed you right then and there." "Looky, looky, looky Here comes Cookie" "Gotta fix my tie" "Why, Michael, you look so different." "I don't understand it." "You don't look like a multi-millionaire anymore." "You look like a man with $100,000 or even less." "(GIGGLING) Oh, no, Michael." "No, no, Michael." "No." "You promised me, Michael." "No." "Now, you promised." "No, no, no, Michael." "No." "Let me go." "Michael." "You don't want me to, you're just pretending." "No, Michael." "Between you and me there's a whole world of seven wives." "Stop being jealous." "I tell you I've forgotten they exist." "Oh, that's just it." "You buy wives just like shirts, and after you've worn them, you toss them away." "Don't talk yourself into a laundry complex." "(NICOLE GIGGLING)" "Nicole." "No, Michael." "No, Michael." "Don't do that, Michael." "Oh, Nicole, be sensible." "I mean, don't be sensible." "Don't hide your emotions." "Oh, Michael." "Oh, why did I eat that caviar?" "BRANDON:" "You're nothing but a silly little thing." "How can a girl be so foolish?" "Why aren't you nice to me?" "Nicole." "Please, Nicole." "You love me, I can tell it." "You're trembling in my arms." "Now, tell me you love me." "Say it." "You're my wife, Nicole." "Michael?" "Yes?" "Kiss me." "What's that?" "Kiss me, Michael." "Kiss me." "(EXCLAIMS) So you want me to kiss you, eh?" "Well, not so quick, young lady." "You kept me waiting." "So you thought you could master Michael Brandon, eh?" "Kiss me." "Well, what does a nice girl say, eh?" "Please." "Please." "That's better." "If you're going to talk to me like that, okay." "(LAUGHING)" "You animal." "You double-crossing animal." "Just one low trick after another." "You've cheated the life out of me, you've bitten me, and now this." "Why don't I... (GRUNTS)" "(SIGHING)" "Well, now, let's try to be calm." "Let's behave like human beings." "Now, look." "Now, look here, Nicole, I married you..." "No, you didn't." "You bought me." "Well, then, fulfill your contract." "Oh, Michael, now you're Mr. Brandon again, the multi-millionaire." "Oh, cut it out." "You can't be so stupid as to believe that I made a contract which guarantees you $50,000..." "No, $100,000." "Well, you're not going to get a cent of it." "Oh, no, of course not." "Not before the divorce." "I knew that's what you were driving at." "From the minute we signed the marriage license." "And do you think that's honest?" "No, but it's good business." "Do you know..." "Careful." "Do you know what we call people like you in America?" "Crooks." "You mean crooks?" "I mean crooks!" "That's exactly what we call them in France." "(GIGGLING)" "Oh, Michael, I'm your worst investment." "I don't pay any dividends, and I'm proud of it." "That's robbery!" "It's a swindle!" "It's a holdup." "You're much too rich, Michael." "Oh, Michael, let's have some of that money." "If you want a divorce, Nicole, you're going about it the wrong way." "Oh, really?" "You don't understand my fundamental characteristic." "It's tenacity." "I'm tenacious." "That's why I'm where I am today." "Where's that, Michael?" "Well, it's..." "The more trouble a thing gives me, the harder I fight for it." "If I let the word "failure" creep into my vocabulary just once, I'm lost." "And as long as you treat me as you do," "I'll give up eating and drinking, but I won't let you go!" "Well, then, I'm afraid we're tied together for life." "If necessary, I can always hang on a half hour longer than you." "Oh, it promises to be quite a fight, Michael." "And remember, my nerves are made of iron." "I fought Canadian Tin singlehanded and left them yelling for help!" "Oh, but I won't be fair." "I'll knife you in the back." "I'll kick, I'll bite, I'll scratch." "I'll fight you with every vegetable at my disposal." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Is it possible to talk to you quietly?" "Yes." "Now, listen." "You want a divorce as soon as possible." "Yes." "Let me give you a tip." "Stop keeping me at a distance, be nice to me, and in three weeks" "I'll probably beg you on my knees to give me a divorce." "Oh, that's very tempting, Michael." "That wouldn't be fair to my future husband." "Your future husband?" "Why, naturally." "I'm going to marry again someday." "A woman can't take care of $100,000 a year all alone." "Why don't I take you right here and crush you like a matchbox?" "What's preventing me?" "These walls are pretty thick." "We'll settle this..." "Elysée 34530." "Hello." "Pepinard and Pepinard?" "This is Mr. Brandon speaking," "I'm still waiting for Mr. Pepinard." "He left 10 minutes ago?" "Well, you told me that a half an hour ago." "Nicole." "Hello, Albert." "You wouldn't mind giving a poor bank clerk a lift?" "Come right in." "They say at the bank that your husband's going to Brussels." "Yes, this afternoon." "Well, Brussels is 400 kilometers from Paris." "Why, Albert, you're an atlas." "Well, if he takes the afternoon train, he can't possibly catch the night train, which leaves there at 12:45 for Paris." "You're a timetable, too." "Nicole, don't you see what I'm driving at?" "No." "Oh." "(CAR HONKING)" "Nicole?" "Yes, Albert?" "Well... (GIGGLING)" "Now, look here, Albert." "Even if my husband went to China, which is 10,000 kilometers away, it still wouldn't do you any good to... (MIMICS GIGGLE)" "I've told you so a dozen times." "(DOORBELL BUZZING)" "Oh, hello." "Hello." "Oh, you've grown a mustache." "Mmm-hmm." "(TURNING KEY IN LOCK)" "(SLIDING BOLT)" "(SHUSHING) Say, I've..." "You're a fine detective, monsieur Pepinard." "Please, Mr. Brandon, don't use the word "detective."" "I told the butler I'm your doctor." "Listen, I'm in a hurry." "I've got to catch a train to Brussels." "What did you find out about my wife?" "Mr. Brandon, your wife's conduct leaves nothing to be desired." "There is no other man." "I can guarantee it." "How about those anonymous letters?" "You know who writes those letters?" "Who?" "Mrs. Brandon herself." "I don't believe it." "Have you any proof?" "Sure." "Please." "Here it is." "It's the same handwriting as the others." "I saw Mrs. Brandon deposit this letter in the mailbox this morning at 11:18." ""Mr. Michael Brandon, Hotel Metropole, Brussels."" "Intended to greet you upon your arrival at Brussels." "How did you get this letter?" "Mr. Brandon, the letter is here." "How I got it, let that remain a secret between me and the mailbox." ""Mr. Brandon." "Tonight at your business conference," ""when you are trying to put something over" ""on your associates in Brussels," ""your wife will be putting something over on you." ""Too bad you didn't stay at home." "A friend."" "Perfectly simple." "Neglected wife wants to make husband jealous." "Jealous, nothing." "She wants a divorce." "She wants to shake my nerves to pieces so I can't attend to my business anymore." "(SCOFF) But I'm going to fool her." "I'll go to Brussels, all right." "That's what I'll tell her, only I'm not going." "I'm coming back unexpectedly in the middle of the night and surprise her with this mysterious Mr. X." "But there is no Mr. X." "That's just it." "I'm going to laugh at her." "I'm going to have some fun." "And will she be embarrassed." "I'm gonna make her feel that small." "That's very small, Mr. Brandon." "I'm going to cure that young lady." "Thank you very much, Mr. Pepinard." "Goodbye." "Au revoir, Mr. Brandon." "By the way, my wife doesn't suspect that you followed her?" "She doesn't even know that I exist." "Don't forget Pepinard and Pepinard is a first-class firm." "You will find that out when you get our bill." "Don't worry, Mr. Brandon." "There is nothing wrong with your kidneys." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Goodbye." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "NICOLE:" "Come in." "You must have mistaken me for someone else." "Sit down, monsieur Pepinard." "Sit down." "You followed me, monsieur Pepinard, so I followed you." "You live at 110 Rue du Regard, a nice apartment, but it doesn't get much sun." "But please, madame..." "Oh, I know that doesn't mean much to you but don't forget, monsieur Pepinard, your wife has to stay home all day and she's such a pretty little woman." "Oh, thank you very much." "A little plump." "But it gives her a certain charm." "And what an engaging smile." "(CHUCKLING) Yeah." "It's too bad she has such a vile temper." "Hasn't she?" "I can imagine what she's like in an argument." "Oh, no, you can't." "You'd better be careful, monsieur Pepinard." "If she ever finds out that you're going around with that little salesgirl from the delicatessen store on the corner, who, by the way, is going around with someone else..." "With whom?" "What did you tell my husband?" "You're asking too much, madame." "Please." "Well, if your wife finds out about the delicatessen store..." "Well, madame, in order to save my home," "I confess I told him everything." "He knows about the letters." "He knows there is no other man." "He's coming back unexpectedly tonight to surprise you and to laugh at you." "Well, maybe we can surprise Mr. Brandon." "You're going to help me, monsieur Pepinard." "I need a man for tonight." "Oh, no, not me." "When my husband comes back..." "And he finds somebody here." "He won't laugh anymore." "But you must consider that Mr. Brandon is a very strong man." "There is apt to be a terrible fight." "Well, then, get me someone who can fight back." "I'll pay him 5,000 francs, and I won't tell on you." "Very well, then." "A prizefighter will be the best way out." "How much does your husband weigh?" "I don't know him that well." "I had better get a heavyweight." "Yes." "Have him here at 10:00 and have him as well-dressed as possible." "You can rely on me, madame." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Yes, Michael?" "You shaved your mustache." "Well, goodbye, Nicole." "I'm starting for Brussels." "I'd forgotten all about that." "How long will you be gone?" "Does that really interest you?" "Frankly, no." "You think I'm pretty much of a fool, don't you?" "Yes." "Well, goodbye, Nicole." "Goodbye, Michael." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(DOORBELL BUZZING)" "I'm Kid Mulligan." "Oh, yes." "I'm Mrs. Brandon." "Come in." "(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)" "Yes." "Come in." "Sit down." "Thanks, madam." "We may have to wait a little while." "Oh, that's all right." "You understand the situation, I suppose?" "Yes, madam, I get the whole setup." "And I certainly appreciate this opportunity, Mrs. Brandon." "You don't know how tough it is for an American to get a fight in Paris." "And I won't disappoint you." "I'm all steamed up, ready to go." "Yes." "You know, I don't want you to really hurt my husband." "Oh, I'll carry him along, just keep away with a left jab." "A left..." "What does that do, exactly?" "Well, I might split his lip or cut his eye a little." "Oh, that sounds terrible." "You mustn't do that." "Well, I gotta defend myself." "Oh, of course." "Oh, but split and cut." "That sounds horrible." "Couldn't you do something a little more civilized?" "You know, just pick him up and throw him in a corner?" "Oh, no." "That's wrestling." "I'll tell you what." "Why don't you let me knock him out?" "Knock him out?" "Oh, for heaven's sake, no." "Oh, all you people got the wrong idea about a knockout." "If you hit a guy on the right spot, down he goes like a light." "No pain?" "Pain?" "No." "You dream like a baby." "I can't believe it." "Well, I'm speaking from experience." "Have you been knocked out?" "Plenty." "And believe me, there's nothing like it." "What a sensation." "Once I hit the canvas with a bang, and the next minute there I was in a Japanese garden with them pink cherry blossoms." "Another time, I was floating over Constantinople." "I tell you, you get to see countries you otherwise couldn't afford to visit." "It sounds perfectly wonderful." "And the time I fought Battleship McCarthy." "Boy, I'll never forget that second round." "Now, I ask you, Mrs. Brandon, where is there another racket where a man of my weight can feel like a flying fish?" "All right, then, do it." "No, don't do it." "It's too good for him." "Come on, Mrs. Brandon, don't be so hardboiled." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "He doesn't deserve it." "Why should he dream he's in a Japanese garden?" "After what he's done to me?" "I should pay 5,000 francs so that he can feel like a flying fish?" "No, no, never." "But, Mrs. Brandon, he's your husband." "You must have loved him once." "Let's not talk about it." "Come on, Mrs. Brandon, give him a break." "Have a heart." "All right, knock him out." "Sit down." "(DOOR CLOSING)" "(SHUSHING)" "(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)" "Come in." "Come in." "What's the matter with you?" "Why don't you come in?" "Surprised, huh?" "What are you staring at?" "(THUDDING)" "I love you, Michael, but it's good for you." "Good night." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "(NICOLE GRUNTING)" "Oh, you've ruined my whole plan, you idiot." "It serves you right, bringing me a handbag in the middle of the night." "You've spoiled everything." "I'm tired." "I want to go home." "(CAR APPROACHING)" "Albert." "Oh, I'm so sorry, Albert." "Poor Albert." "Where did he hit you?" "Show Nicole." "Here." "Here?" "There." "Right here?" "Right here, Albert?" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Hello, Nicole." "Hello, Michael." "I thought you were in Brussels." "Surprised to see me back?" "Naturally." "Oh, but it doesn't make any difference." "You look a little nervous." "Why should I be nervous?" "Husband comes home unexpectedly." "Why, you don't think for a moment that I have anything to hide?" "No, I really don't." "Well, I think I'll go and get some sleep." "If you have the slightest doubt, why don't you go in?" "Let me tell you something, I'm gonna fool you." "I'm going in." "Oh, no, Michael." "No, Michael, you can't do that." "(LAUGHING)" "Quiet, please." "Oh, no." "You worm." "You miserable little pipsqueak." "I'm going to..." "Here." "Oh, Michael, please don't hurt him." "Hurt him?" "I'm gonna wring his neck." "No, Michael." "He just came to bring a handbag." "Now, look here." "You made a nervous wreck out of me, you tortured me, you took my pride away, my self-respect and I stood for it, but if you try to tell me that he just came here to bring a handbag, I'll kill you." "Get out." "Yes, Albert, get out." "Go home." "I can't go." "I said go!" "I can't go while you're sitting on my pants." "Well, Nicole, you win." "Someone had to win." "I've got to hand it to you." "You're the first person that ever licked me." "You wanted to hurt me, and you did." "Well, come on, why don't you laugh?" "I'll send my lawyer round in the morning." "You can get the divorce." "Oh, no, Michael." "After all, I'm the guilty party." "It's only fair that I should take the blame." "Well, now look here, Nicole." "For several reasons, I think I should appear to be the guilty party." "Oh, I forgot." "Your reputation." "Oh, of course, Michael." "Naturally, I'll get the divorce." "The world will never know what really happened." "As far as the public is concerned," "Michael Brandon has tired of another wife and walked out." "Another feather in your cap." "Well, goodbye, Michael." "Goodbye, Nicole." "Well, goodbye, Professor, and thank you a thousand times." "You really feel well, monsieur Potin?" "Well, simply wonderful." "I must have been in pretty bad shape, though." "Now, tell me, have you ever had a case like mine before?" "Frankly, no." "It's common enough for people to believe that they are Alexander the Great or Napoleon." "We're prepared for that." "But for a man to imagine he's a chicken..." "Well, I should say that's quite out of the ordinary." "Professor, I'll never forget that terrible morning when I flew into the kitchen and said to the cook," ""Anna, where are the noodles?" "Quick, make soup out of me."" "Strange what the stock market can do to one." "Well, well, that's all over now." "Thanks to you and your splendid system of self-suggestion." "Goodbye, monsieur Potin, and good luck." "(BOY SHOUTING IN FRENCH)" "Hey, boy, come here, give me a paper." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "POTIN:" "Cock-a-doodle doo!" "Cock-a-doodle doo!" "You keep quiet or I'll come down." "And not another egg out of you." "(SIGHS) I feel fine." "It was a nice day yesterday, it'll be a nice day today, it'll be a nice day tomorrow." "I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine." "I feel fine." "It was a nice day yesterday, it's a nice day today, it'll be a nice day tomorrow." "I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine." "How are you today, Mr. Brandon?" "Not so good." "I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine." "It was a nice day yesterday, it's a nice day today, it'll be a nice day tomorrow." "Your luncheon, Mr. Brandon." "(GRUNTS) Mutton stew." "Now, Mr. Brandon." "I feel fine." "I like mutton stew." "I liked mutton stew yesterday," "I like mutton stew today and I'll like mutton stew tomorrow." "(GRUNTS IN DISGUST)" "I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine." "Oh, please, Nurse." "Won't you be human?" "You are not to see Mr. Brandon under any circumstances." "Oh, you must let me in." "Can't you take me as a patient?" "I'm very sorry, madame." "Even if I were to let you in, it wouldn't do you any good." "He wouldn't listen to anything you had to say." "Why, the mere mention of your name makes him violent." "If Mr. Brandon knew you were under the same roof, he'd jump out the window." "We can't take the risk, so please, madame." "Goodbye." "It's no use, Father." "They won't let me see him." "They won't even let me talk to Professor Urganzeff." "So, Professor Urganzeff won't talk to a de Loiselle." "Well." "(MIMICS DOG BARKING) Yes, sir?" "Will you step in, please?" "(INAUDIBLE)" "(DOG BARKING)" "Yes, Father?" "(CLICKING TONGUE)" "Nicole." "What happened?" "You bought it?" "It was a bargain." "Nothing." "Hello, Michael." "How..." "Oh, I beg your pardon." "You get out." "But, darling..." "And get out of here quick." "Do you know what you are?" "You are a..." "I've never said that to a woman before, and I won't say it now." "I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine." "Get out of here!" "Now, be reasonable, Michael." "No, no, there's no use struggling." "You have to listen." "You know, it cost me a great deal to get this interview with you." "You ought to be proud." "Why do you think a woman puts a man into a straitjacket?" "Because she loves him." "Love." "You're a fine one to be talking about love." "Wouldn't be my wife when you should have been." "The only kiss I got out of that marriage was smothered in onions." "Well, let me kiss you now." "Get out of here!" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "Oh, just a moment." "New York." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Hello." "Oh, it's you, Jeff." "What I've decided about oil?" "Well, listen, I don't feel like talking business right now." "No, no, I'm not sore." "I'm in a straitjacket." "Call me later." "And now, clear out, please." "Michael, is it Albert?" "Is that what's troubling you?" "No, no, I know that was a put-up job, and it's just as bad." "Now, look here, you got your money, that's what you wanted." "That's what you always thought." "Believe me, Michael, I loved you from the moment I saw you, but you made it impossible." "I had to break you down." "I didn't want to be just another girl in the Brandon Follies." "Well, you haven't broken me down." "No, things have changed for us both, Michael." "If I take you now, you can be sure I love you." "I'm free, independent, rich." "We're on equal terms, Michael." "(GIGGLING) Oh, no, we're not." "You're in a straitjacket, and my arms are free." "As a matter of fact, you're in my power, darling." "Sit down." "You..." "No, no, you never said that to a woman before, and don't say it now." "Please, Michael, have a chair." "Get away from me." "No, now don't be afraid, Michael." "Whatever may happen, I'm willing to take the consequences." "I'll marry you." "I hate you." "No, no, no, no, no." "You love me." "You ran away from me." "That proves it." "You've stayed single for six months for the first time since you were thrown out of college." "And why?" "Because you couldn't forget me, Michael." "And they've been six miserable months for me, too." "Why?" "Because I couldn't forget you." "That's love, Michael." "Stop tickling my face." "That's not tickling, that's caressing." "Then don't caress me." "Then don't pay any attention to it." "You'd better save your energy." "I'm never gonna marry again." "You've never been married before, not my kind of marriage." "For keeps, forever, Michael." "Stop caressing me!" "No, that's tickling now." "You're so mixed up in your emotions, darling." "Wait till I get out of this straitjacket, what I'll do to you..." "Oh, I can hardly wait, Michael." "Michael." "Michael." "Get away from me." "Stop doing that." "Nicole, please." "This doesn't mean a thing to me." "No, no, no." "And it's not gonna mean a thing to me." "No." "I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine." "Oh, please, Nicole." "Stop." "That isn't fair, Nicole." "(NICOLE SCREAMING)" "Nothing." "Let me up, Nicole." "Nicole, let me..." "Michael..." "Shut up!" "Nothing."