"Oh, boy." "You know, Donny, you and the Angles are starting to look not terrible." "His name is Danny." "Who?" "Your grandson." "His name is Danny." "Well, what did I say?" "You know what you said." "What, you never heard of nicknames?" "Donny is a name, not a nickname." "What's the difference what I call him?" "He knows who I'm talking to." "Y-you know, mom, I really don't mind." "But that's not the point." "It is a sign of respect to call someone by their actual name." "Look." "People call me the Cannon." "I rest my case." "I call people what I call them for a few reasons." "What, like you can't remember their names?" "That's one." "It's also a sign of familiarity, uh, a bond, if you will." "It's old school." "The old school of insensitivity?" "The Bronx." "Mm-hmm." "So, what are we practicing today?" "Some old-school ideas." "Here you go." "Here's the way we throw." "See... right, left." "This is called the elephant walk, guys." "This is way we hit..." "left." "It's all rhythm." "All right, hold it." "Hold it." "Hold it." "Black kid, come up." "You've seen a lot of elephants in your native country, right?" "You lead the way." "Go ahead." "Left, right." "Come on, rhythm." "You got to bend over." "Make believe the grass is cheese." "Get down." "All right, hey, boys." "This is an old-school exercise." "It teaches us how to release the head of this bat so we get full extension, a straight line out." "Throw it over that tree." "Release the head of the bat, okay?" "Towelhead, let's show them how to do it." "Ready?" "All right, just let it go just like a tomahawk." "Boom." "Just let it rip." "Let it go." "Whoa!" "That's great." "Take that, Israel, huh?" "No?" "Block the ball." "Block it." "Don't flag it." "Don't flag it." "Good, good!" "Wax on, wax off." "You got it." "The kid gets it." "You see?" "It's in his blood." "Now we can begin to play baseball." "Black kid, listen up." "Feel the ball, throw it to the bag." "Towelhead, come over to second, fire the ball to coffee and cream, all right?" "You got that, girly?" "Dong, when I hit the ball, you're gonna run to first... straight." "Remember, you're not driving, you're running." "Run." "Cannon, language." "What?" "They talk English." "Name-calling?" "I got to deal with this now, too?" "Well, half of youth baseball is dealing with complaints from parents." "You knew that, Dick." "Don't tell me things I know, Stan." "That's not helpful." "I haven't seen a buildup of parent hysteria like this since Van Halen toured with AC/DC." "I blame myself." "Uh, I blame you, too." "I should have said something to the Cannon." "But, quite frankly, he terrifies me." "Shut up, Stan." "All right, fat kid, ball." "All right, let's see it work." "Oh!" "Oh!" "All right!" "Way to go!" "Way to go, Angles!" "First double play." "Yes!" "All right!" "Way to throw, big guy!" "You'll be the captain." " See what I did?" " What you did?" "What do you think I've been doing with these kids the whole time?" "Losing." "Hey, you walked into that one, all right?" "Yeah." "Listen, I am so proud of you guys." "I'm so proud." "Dick, did you see that?" "Uh, no." "I must have turned away at just the right moment." "Terry, look, can I talk to you for a second?" "It's about league business." "About my hotness?" "I'm actually serious." "About my serious hotness?" "Are you done?" "Done with my hotness?" "Terry!" "I'm actually stressed out about something." "Can we talk, please?" "It's about your dad." "All right." "Cannon!" "Cannon!" "Cannon!" "Cannon!" "Cannon!" "Uh-huh!" "Oh, yeah!" "Cannon!" "Cannon!" "Cannon!" "Okay." "Terry, why don't you have a seat..." "There?" "So, look." "There have been numerous reports that your assistant coach... and father." "I can handle this, Stan." "Sorry." "I was giving context." "I know that!" "Look, just assume from now on that I know... everything." "I'll go ahead and shut it down." "Okay." "So, some parents have..." "Some parents have been filming your dad's insensitive behavior with their phones." "And, um, well, you know what?" "Just push "play" on there and you'll see what I'm talking about." "You, put the helmet on." "Go pinch run." "Why are you sending hunter in to pinch run?" "He's black." "I mean..." "Come on." "Get your glove ready." "Soft." "Soft hands." "Like you're picking strawberries." "Well, that's..." "If you damage them, you go back to oaxaca, all right?" "Oh." "Ready?" "Catch it!" "Catch it like Liza was throwing it off the stage." "Won't you do that, Broadway?" "Please!" "Right." "Look, I know this looks really bad, but he doesn't mean it." "I mean, he loves these kids." "It's just his old-school ways." "Just his old-school ways?" "Isn't that what all racists say?" "Look, I can't have him coaching with you anymore." "I can't do it." "Look, I've already talked to him." "I promise you..." "i promise you it will stop." "No, this could explode into a huge lawsuit, okay, and it could devastate the league." "I'm not gonna let that happen." "It is over." "No, it is not over." "League charter dictates that if there is a perceived offense, the parent or coach can apologize first to the team." "If all kids vote to forgive the offender, then he/she can apologize to the board at the next league meeting." "At which point, it would be put to vote to decide on reinstatement." "You just recited the charter word for word." "I knew this day would come." "Mm." "Dad, I saw something today." "That was old-school great double play, thanks to me." "Yeah, well, the league wants to kick you out because of your old-school ways." "What are you talking about?" "Dad, you can't refer to the members of our team by the color of their skin or their ethnicity." "I don't do that." "Chinaman kid?" "He's a kid from China." "It's a nickname." "Dad, that's old-man racist talk." "No." "No, it is not." "It's them being oversensitive." "Politically correct crap, okay?" "This is all about the way I was raised." "That's what it's about." "I am so sick of the "I was raised that way" excuse." "And then what?" "You went to sleep for 50 years?" "Dad, the world has moved on and so should you." "For goodness sakes, we have a black president." "Black president, see?" "That's exactly what I call him." "The league has suspended you." "You can no longer go on the field until you apologize." "Well, fine." "I'm suspended 'cause I'm not apologizing for calling my kids nicknames." "As a matter of fact," "I think everybody on that field owes me an apology." "I'm not walking on that field until people apologize to me." "Oh, God." "I don't need this, you old goat, and I don't need you." "Oh, hey!" "Enjoy your "matlock" reruns." "Ugh!" "Okay, Angles, today, we are gonna have a new-school kind of practice, okay?" "There will be no name-calling and nothing negative." "It's just gonna be you and me." "We're gonna get out there, we're gonna be positive, and we're gonna get better!" "Now, Angles, take the field!" "Hit it!" "You're a winner." "You're a winner." "You're a winner." "You're a winner." "You're the big winner." "Oh, thanks." "All right, all right." "Good." "Okay, Angles, let's get two!" "Oh, uh, dong?" "Uh, sweetie?" "Could you please stand up?" "And, uh... and no texting!" "Hey, look over there." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Oh, guys!" "Guys, guys, guys!" "Hey, if you don't break them up, they're going to have a cain/abel incident." "Ow!" "Coach Terry, I'm going home." "Why?" "I don't know." "It's not safe out there." "Angles!" "We need to stay focused!" "Okay, can we focus?" "This is new school!" "W-we need to stay positive!" "Oh, oh, guys!" "Guys!" "Guys!" "Guys!" "You need the Cannon back." "I do not!" "Sweetie." "Okay, who hasn't gotten a game ball for practice yet?" "No one deserves a game ball." "That was anarchy out there." "Oh, but you guys gave it 100%." "It was a great effort." "That never would have happened if the Cannon was here." "This is going in the wrong direction, mom." "You're not yelling at us enough!" "Or calling us enough names." "What?" "It seems we respond to that." "You're being too nice." "We miss the Cannon." "The Cannon rolls old school." "Well, that old school got him kicked out of here." "So, from now on, we're gonna do it my way, and my way's gonna be fun." "Blah, blah, blah." "We need a coach, not a cheerleader." "So, are you gonna be stubborn, or are you gonna get the Cannon back out here?" "Hey, I am not the one being stubborn." "Well, I guess we know who the better coach was." "He means the Cannon." "Shut up, Stan." "So, practice didn't go very well, huh?" "How did you know that?" "Uh, the chinaman kid..." "he just texted me." "And he was, you know, very upset." "You text with dong?" "Yeah, you know, he helped me set up my phone." "And, uh, we both like Jackie chan movies." "Awesome." "So, listen." "You say you need me and I will strongly consider apologizing." "Why don't you just apologize because you know you are wrong?" "Wrong?" "Listen." "I'm helping these kids." "I'm trying to get them through life." "You think their bosses are gonna call them by their first names?" "Yes!" "No." "Yes." "No." "Not on the docks." "Not in the coal factories." "Coal factory?" "That's not even how coal is made." "I see." "So, now you know how coal is made." "Look." "This all boils down to you being selfish." "What?" "!" "And, quite frankly, it's not helping the team." "You just will not admit that that new-school stuff doesn't work and that the only thing that does work is the old-school stuff." "That's what gets it done." "Dad, the kids are responding to you, not what you are calling them." "Well, I am who I am and I'm not changing, all right?" "And if you continue teaching this new stuff, it's gonna get worse and worse and maybe even worse." "And then, my dear, you will be calling me." ""Oh, dad?" "Dad?"" "Worse and worse." "Maybe we haven't gone new school enough." "And they will get worse." "Ha!" "What do you think, darling?" "Too much?" "Mother, heels would be too much." "You're practically understated." "Wow, Lulu." "You look like Elton John in drag." "Let's go warm up." "So, why exactly have you asked me to help coach, darling?" "Because you know absolutely nothing about baseball." "Great." "Fabulous." "What?" "Yep." "I need this team to get worse quickly." "Once the Cannon sees what you have done with them, he will not be able to get here fast enough." "So, basically you're using me." "Well, I figured you'd be up for it." "Not my first day at the rodeo." "All right, Angles!" "Bring it on in!" "All right." "Lulu here is your new assistant coach." "Listen very closely to everything she has to say." "Okay, well, I want you to hold hands and form a circle because we are going to play a little game called" ""skip around the cricket pitch."" "Dong..." "Do your magic." "Cannon." "Cannon!" "Listen to me." "I'm gonna speak for all the parents in this league." "You shouldn't be out there." "Your kids deserve better lessons." "You're bullying, insensitive, and mean." "You gonna stop me?" "Yeah." "Nope!" "I'm gonna call a park ranger." "And huh and huh and knee." "Lulu, what are you doing here?" "W-what's that black Richard Simmons doing out on my mound?" "What is he doing?" "Cardio then core." "Cannon, y-you got to help us, okay?" "Lulu's making us look even weirder than we already are." "Right." "I..." "Cannon, you're not allowed to be here." "Dick's gonna call the cops." "Oh, the cops are the least of my worries." "Did you take a look at this?" "Look at this." "Well, you said you wanted new school, so here you go." "Look, I had to bring Lulu on because you didn't give me a choice." "I'm a single mom." "I can't do this alone." "Hello!" "Oh, Antoine, darling!" "Mwah!" "Mwah!" "Mwah!" "Mwah!" "Who are you?" "Antoine." "Pilates... listen." "I know what you're doing." "This show of freaks here, this whole thing, you're just doing this to get my blood to boil so I have to apologize." "And why can't you?" "I've had to talk to each of these kids' parents just to keep them on the team." "They love you." "I-I didn't do anything wrong." "I need you, okay?" "Cannon..." "Help us, please." "Hey, Angles!" "Come on around." "Come on, everybody." "Look, uh..." "The league, uh, they..." "they threw me out, you know?" "I mean, I-i can't be here because I wasn't calling you guys by your names." "So, I, uh..." "I'm sorry." "You know, I didn't mean to insult anybody." "You know, I want to coach you guys, and, uh..." "I like it and I want to come back." "Okay, so, uh, show of hands... and everyone has to vote... if you want the Cannon to come back." "Parvu?" "You forgot to raise your hand." "No, I didn't." "I don't want him back." "Coach Cannon, your words hurt me." "Without every kid's vote, Cannon, you got to get off this field." "Yeah." "The league of dorks." "League of idiots, morons, communist bloodsucking pigs!" "Dad, what are you doing?" "I am making veal piccata." "Here." "Wow, that is the thinnest veal" "I've ever seen." "I-it's like meat paper." "Cannon, I know this world is changing in ways that you don't like, but maybe changing with it wouldn't be the worst thing." "I tried." "I apologized." "And it's not my fault that your shortstop is stubborn and wears a weird towel hat." "Okay." "So, I guess it's over then." "So, why don't you just quit?" "And we already covered racial insensitivity earlier in the week." "This would just be another great lesson for Danny." "What would you like me to do?" "Figure it out." "It's not that hard." "Figure it out, Cannon." "Please." "I'm taking a walk." "Wow, you are really good at pushing his buttons." "Hey, you were not so bad yourself." "High five." "Yes." "That was really good." "Yeah, that was..." "don't touch that." "Parv, got a visitor." "What is he doing here?" "Hey." "Manners." "Sorry, father." "How you doing, parvu?" "Don't you mean towelhead kid?" "Or is it camel jockey?" "Or curry muncher." "Yeah." "Dot head." "And we got cow kisser." "We got mushroom head." "And flat-out genie." "I get it." "I don't know." "I just came by to say, uh, I think you're a great kid and, uh" "I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings." "Y-you're really my favorite ball player out there and I think you really got some talent." "Then why do you insult me?" "No, see, I..." "i-i don't mean it like that." "In my old neighborhood, everybody had a nickname." "Stevie the gimp, Sammy the black guy, franny the whore... uh..." "Whores know money, you know?" "Anyway, the point is I-i loved them all." "Here's what you don't get, Mr. Gannon." "Look at him." "It's hard enough for him looking different while still honoring your faith." "It hurts when a coach who he likes very much says stuff like that." "You know, it took a lot of guts for you to stand up there today and not raise your hand." "And, um..." "Anyway, you have a-an awesome son." "Good night." "Hey... hey, coach?" "Yeah?" "You know, there's a sikh teaching that says, "love me when I least deserve it"" "because that is when I really need it."" "And in that spirit," "I'd like you to come back and coach." "Okay, uh, please state your name." "What is it with you?" "You know my name." "All right." "Let the record note that Terry Gannon Sr." "Is at the lectern." "Take it away, Cannon." "Make your case for reinstatement." "Right." "Well, you said I had to come down here and apologize for some of the names I've been calling my kids on the Angles." "Correct." "Well, I'm sorry." "I am sorry..." "That all you people are bunch of wacko hypocrite asshats." "Oh, boy." "Here we go." "Apologies do nothing." "Change is different." "I guess I've been emotionally asleep for quite a long time... something my daughter's been trying to tell me." "But because of her and the Angles, I think, uh..." "I think I'm just starting to wake up." "So, uh, better than apologizing, um, I'm gonna try to change." "That's fine, Cannon, but, you know, we're actually looking for remorse." "We have a moral obligation to these kids." "A moral obligation?" "Yeah." "If these kids are so special to you, if they're so special, how come you haven't drafted any one of them?" "Not one of them." "Nobody wanted these kids." "My little girl had to start a new team just so these kids could play." "I mean, you've got six teams in this league and five of them are all white." "Is that true?" "Uh, yeah." "Oh, that's not good." "Hit there, dong." "I think it's time you guys took a... just a real good long look at yourselves." "Okay." "Well, the Angles... well, they're the face of America, and your team..." "I don't know." "They're like Norway." "I mean, I may have used some questionable language, but it's something I grew up with." "But as far as, uh, these big apologies go, it's not happening." "But I will to my kids." "So, hunter, Vanessa, dong, Danny boy parvu michael, angel," "Vince and Vance, and the fat kid." "Dudley." "What, the guy's white?" "Okay." "Dudley." "I'm really..." "Really, uh, very sorry, guys." "Very sorry." "And, uh..." "I'm so damn proud of you." "That's pretty much all I got." "So if you want to kick me out for that, kick me out." "Boy, I don't know." "That was a great speech." "Mm, you're out." "Dick, we have to take a vote." "Okay, fine." "All in favor of Terry Gannon Sr." "Being reinstated to coach the Angles, raise your hands." "Double dang it!" "Terry Gannon Sr. Coaches the Angles." "Don't hug me in public, okay?" "Oh, shut up, you old goat." "Hey, boys." "Cannon!" "Cannon!" "Cannon!" "All right, you guys." "It's your turn." "Take your best shot." "Who's going first?" "I'll go first." "Go ahead." "You're so old that when you tell people you saw "Titanic,"" "they think you mean from a lifeboat." "Whoa!" "Oh!" "Good." "You have so many blue lines on your arms, you could be a road map." "Ohh." "Ohh." "Ohh." "Ohh." "When people say you look like a million, they mean years old." "Ohh." "Ohh." "Ohh." "That's cold." "All right." "I've seen dead birds with clearer eyes than you." "Ooh." "When are you gonna tell your hair that it's dead?" "Good." "Your mama's so fat... what'd you say about my mama?" "Well, I've never met her in person, but I'm assuming she's big and fat." "Nice."