"[Telephone ringing]" "Oh, great." "[Panting]" "[Continues ringing]" "Oh." "Ok." "[Exhales]" "Cake." "Yeah?" "[Panting]" "Who is this?" "Hey, bud." "That was my dog Allen." "[Motherese] He just wanted to say hello." "[Grunting]" "Here, it's for you, Arthur." "A. Spooner speaking." "[Panting]" "Lillian?" "♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪" "♪ my back is gettin' tight" "♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪" "♪ on the queensborough bridge tonight ♪" "♪ but I don't care, 'cause all I wanna do ♪" "♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪" "♪ 'cause, baby, all my life" "♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪" "What's goin' on?" "Usually in the morning you're a little like," ""go away."" "I know, but I just feel good today." "I think that I am maybe ready to start trying to have a baby." "What?" "Yeah." "Well, the miscarriage was, like, 4 months ago already." "And the doctor said it would be safe, right?" "So I--I guess I just woke up this morning feeling ready." "Are you?" "Not now, not now, stupid." "You sure?" "No." "I meant tonight or something." "Oh?" "I'll have you knocked up and on the subway in, like, 10 minutes." "Come on." "We'll make a night of it." "We'll go to fiorello's for dinner, get in the mood." "Food and sex, those are your favorites, right?" "Yeah." "In--in that order, too." "I'm glad you're feeling ready, Carrie." "Me, too." "Good morning." "Ok." "Dad, what's with the pajamas?" "How come you're not dressed?" "Darling, if you can think of a reason why I should get dressed," "I'd be delighted to know what it is." "I got nothin'." "Well, come on." "At least walk down to the senior center and play chess with Mickey." "I'm afraid that's out of the question." "He moved to yonkers to live with his daughter." "Oh, I'm sorry, dad." "He was your last real friend around here, wasn't he?" "Yeah." "Afraid so." "Gonna miss that crazy lug, that silly laugh of his." "The way his teeth would come part of the way out." "And that's gin." "Ok." "See you tonight." "Mmm-hmm." "8 o'clock, fiorello's?" "Actually, I'm heading out, too." "Oh, ok." "See you later, Arthur." "Yeah, have a good day, dad." "Yeah." "You have a good day, too." "I'll mind the store." "So you've been wined and dined, all that, you, uh, you good to go?" "I am ready to get back on the horse." "Or, in this case, have the horse get back on you." "Give it your best shot, Eddie." "All right, break it up." "We got big doings in here." "What's goin' on, dad?" "Come on in." "Hurry, on the double, chop-chop." "Ta-da!" "What are you ta-daing about?" "W-w-what is that?" "El backo, the new board game you ordered for me on the interstate." "Internet, dad." "So, shall I set up in here or in the..." "Or in the living room?" "Uh, dad, it's really late." "What are you still doing up?" "I napped for 6 hours." "I'm bursting with energy." "Come on, one quick game." "No, forget it, Arthur." "Not tonight." "Yeah, maybe another time, dad." "Good night." "Oh, that's just dandy, isn't it?" "I've been alone in this house since 8 a.m., and all I ask is for a few moments of human interaction when you come home, but apparently, that's more than you can spare." "Good night." "[Door slamming]" "Ready to head up?" "Come on." "7, 8, 9, and 10." "Back to start." "I have to go back to start again?" "You landed on El backo." "Now get goin', missy." "Mush!" "[Chuckling]" "(Arthur) 8, 9, 10." "I've landed on the alamo, which at the moment you're defending, Douglas." "So?" "Don't kill the messenger, but I'm afraid you're out of the game!" "Well, that was fun, daddy." "All right, well, rematch next month." "Don't try to duck us." "Hey, wait!" "Wait, wait." "What?" "Douglas is out, only Douglas." "[T.V. Playing]" "I won." "[Sighs]" "Oh, good work." "All right, so, uh, can we get this sex thing goin' now?" "It's late, so don't expect the sports package." "Yeah." "Ok, get ready." "This is gonna be hot." "Come on, baby." "Ow, ow, ow, ow." "What?" "W-what is it?" "Nothin'." "I just got a peso from the game in my pocket." "In your pocket." "Did you cheat?" "Well, I'm here now, aren't I?" "You know what, honey?" "Honey?" "Would you mind if--if we didn't do this tonight?" "3 hours as the El backo banker has pretty much shut me down for the night." "Oh, come on, keep the bank open, one more angry customer." "Honey, look, if it was just sex," "I would push through, ok?" "But we're trying to make a baby." "I want it to be special and wonderful and--and right." "You wanna sneak one in, in the morning?" "No, I don't wanna sneak one in." "Our--our kid is gonna ask me one day how he or she came to be, and I don't wanna say," ""well, your dad had at me while I was brushin' my teeth."" "We need to set aside you know, special time, without distractions." "Without my father clawing at us for attention." "When the hell is that ever gonna happen?" "Ever since Mickey moved, your dad spends all day napping." "By the time we come home, he's cocked and loaded." "I know." "I--I hate this." "What are we gonna do?" "Hey, why don't we hire a nurse to come by during the day, spend time with him?" "You know how expensive a private nurse is?" "Maybe your insurance from work will cover it." "No." "They'll only cover it if he's disabled." "So I'll disable him." "Ah, maybe we're--we're just not meant to have a baby." "Or actually, maybe we are meant to have a baby." "And my dad is our baby." "The only difference is we don't change him, yet." "So, sex-wise," "I'm definitely on my own tonight, or..." "(Deacon) Yo, Spence!" "Sandwiches." "Hey, who wants a little side salad?" "Show of hands." "Ok, more for me." "Oh, this thing with Arthur is driving me nuts." "Mmm." "It's rough, huh?" "It's brutal." "I'll have to drive him out to the woods if I'm ever gonna get any more schnick schnack." "[Key jingling]" "Yo, Spence." "Someone's here." "Oh." "Fellas, prepare to meet the new lady in my life." "W-what?" "You--you got a girlfriend?" "Dog Walker but things are brewing." "Hey, holly." "Oh, hey." "I didn't know you were home." "Oh, yeah." "I just rolled in a few minutes ago and grabbed something' to eat." "Oh, yeah." "Ok, no!" "Cupcake, no." "Cupcake, no!" "Sit!" "...a few minutes ago from work." "So, uh, how was my little Allen's walk today?" "Oh, it was great." "It's weird, though." "Both the male and female dogs like to hump him." "Kind of like you, Spence." "It's a-- it's a couple of blue-collar guys" "I hang out with." "You know, just keepin' it real." "Uh, you know, I was wonderin' some night if maybe you're free-- [cupcake whining]" "Cupcake, cupcake!" "Sit!" "Sit!" "Sit!" "Listen, you know," "I better get this one home." "He just had a long day." "Oh, ok." "I will see you Thursday, Allen." "Mmm, I love you." "I love you, Allen." "I miss you." "I'll see you soon." "Oh, hey." "Yeah, um, it's thur" " Thursday it is." "Yeah, she's way into you." "So, uh, when did you hire a dog Walker anyway?" "Uh, about a week ago." "Allen was going crazy being cooped up while I was at work, and now he's so tired out from the walk, he just sleeps straight through until morning." "Hey." "[Moaning]" "Come on, sweetie." "I'm tryin' to work here." "I was thinkin' maybe you'd knock off." "I was thinkin' maybe you and I head upstairs." "I think my boys are in the mood for a little egg hunt." "I can't." "My dad's home, and I promised him that El backo grudge match at high noon." "Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that." "Arthur!" "What's going on?" "You just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show." "Yes, Douglas." "[Doorbell ringing] Come here, there's someone who wants to meet you." "Hey, holly." "Hello." "Arthur, this is, uh, holly." "She's a friend of Spence's." "How do you do?" "Uh, holly's writing a paper on world war ii, and she wanted to speak to someone who was there." "Right?" "Right." "Yes, yes, I--I do." "Well, uh, are you interested in the real story or just the patriotic crap they want you to believe?" "Um, the first one." "Mmm-hmm." "Oh, a fellow skeptic." "Well, let me just take my kettle off the stove, and we'll get to it." "Ok, Spence says you get 10 bucks a day, right?" "What?" "No, it's fine." "It's fine." "Hi." "Listen, can we talk about something for a second?" "Here is $30 advance for the first week, and you'll come by every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday." "And, if you could, do me a favor, really wear him out." "What?" "No, it's fine." "It's fine." "Ok, so are we all set here?" "Well, I-it's just-- w-what's the matter?" "I--I just don't usually do this with people." "Hey, look, you do it with dogs, you can do it with people." "It's fine." "I'm all set." "Shall we talk in here or in the kitchen?" "Would--would you like to go for a walk?" "A walk?" "Fabulous idea." "See you later, kids." "All right." "Well, you guys have a good time." "What is she doing to my father for $10?" "She's walkin' him." "She's a dog Walker." "A d-dog Walker?" "A dog Walker?" "Yeah." "You hired a dog Walker to walk my father?" "I thought you'd be happy." "My--my father is not a dog." "I know he's not a dog." "He's a human being who needs walking and who possibly has fleas." "You are talking like this is a normal thing to do." "I know it seems weird, but think about it." "This solves all our problems." "I mean, he-- he's out getting exercise and getting companionship." "I mean, it's like we hired a nurse without all the book learnin's." "And take a look around." "He's gone." "He's gone." "The entire war effort, every dollar spent and every life lost was orchestrated by the international can goods industry." "That's a fact." "Yeah, I think I heard that." "(Man) Oh, hey, holly." "Day off, today?" "Um, not exactly." "[Sighs]" "Holly, hello." "Good to see you." "Hi, Arthur." "Ready to go for a walk?" "You bet." "Hey." "Douglas, see you in 2 hours." "Holly and I are off for a walk." "Wow." "Are you?" "That's so nice." "Here you go." "How's everything goin' with him?" "Oh, it's great." "It was a little weird at first, but I gotta say," "Arthur is such a pleasure to walk." "I think he and ranger are my favorites." "(Arthur) Holly, are you comin'?" "I'm comin'." "Bye." "All right." "Bye-bye." "Carrie!" "Hey, Carrie." "He's gone." "He's gone." "Great." "Bye." "Whoa, whoa, hey, where you goin'?" "Spinning class." "Your father's out gettin' walked." "I know, that's why I'm going now." "Last time he was out, you went to the book club thing." "Yes, and I asked you to come with me to that." "But you said you didn't feel like putting shoes on." "What's all this going out stuff anyway?" "I thought you wanted to have a baby." "I do, and we've tried." "It's just that I'm not ovulating this week." "You aren't, or you won't?" "Yeah, Doug." "You caught me." "I'm holding my eggs in." "Can I get to spinning now?" "If I'm late, all the good bikes will be taken." "What--what?" "You spin on bikes?" "Yeah." "What'd you think, we just stand on the floor and just spin around?" "As a matter of fact, I did, yeah." "Ok?" "Look, the point is," "I paid for this no-Arthur time, ok?" "I don't think you should be cashing' in on it for other things." "Doug, I finally have some free time and I am just trying to enjoy it." "I mean, I'm--I'm reading again." "I'm exercising." "I don't read or exercise." "Where does that leave me?" "Here." "Have a party." "I paid for the time!" "Oh, hey, Spence." "Sorry, I'm late." "I ran long with Arthur." "What a shock." "Oh, did Allen make on the rug again?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "It kind of forms a pattern from the other day." "It looks like Florida if Florida were made out of urine." "Hey, Spence, can I talk to you about something?" "Yeah, what?" "Well, it's just that I've been tryin' to walk, you know," "Allen and Arthur on the same day, and it just hasn't really been working out and--and I feel like I need to make a choice." "And you're choosing Arthur." "Well, it's a lot of things." "I mean, uh, he lives closer to my house." "Uh, he's a person." "He's also an unwitting pawn in--in Doug and Carrie's sick little charade." "Yeah." "Anyway, um, here's a number of another dog Walker." "Chuck." "Yeah." "He's great." "He's really cute, too." "I don't know if you're gay, but if you are, he is super." "Bye, Allen." "Hey." "How was spinning?" "Great." "I feel happy, healthy, and more alive." "How was sitting on the couch rotting?" "I'll let you know when I'm done." "Hey, dad, how was your walk with holly?" "Not so good." "I got a little problem on my hands." "What?" "I think I may have to tell her not to come by here any more." "What?" "Why?" "Because she's falling for me, that's why." "Holly?" "No, no." "Dad, no." "Of course, she is." "Why else would she insist on seeing me every single Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday?" "She's obsessed." "She's working on that paper." "It's that paper." "Oh, please, there's no paper." "Of course, there's the paper." "There is no paper." "Her questions about the war are ludicrous." "The other day, she actually asked me who won." "She's learning." "Oh, how did I let things get so far?" "I'm 50 years older than that girl." "It could never work out or could it?" "I'm so confused." "Ok, dad, look, I--I don't know what's going on, but I don't think you should do anything hasty like--like tell her not to come by here any more." "Definitely don't do that." "Oh, I don't know about that, car." "You know, maybe he should end it with her." "I don't think this arrangement's doing anyone any good here." "What is going on?" "Why are you telling him to end this?" "Well, maybe if this whole deal were working out more the way I hoped it would, my advice would be a little different." "Fine." "What do you want?" "You can keep the spinning, but lose the book club and replace it with more sex and t.V. With me." "Ok, but I'm spinning Tuesday and Saturday, and for the sex thing to work out, there are a few pair of underwear" "I'm gonna need you to get rid of." "Done." "Now, was that so hard?" "Hmm?" "Ok." "All right." "What are we gonna tell my dad to get him back on board with this?" "I just want you to know, holly, that I'm honored that you regard me as the father you never had." "But I have a father." "They told me you'd say that." "Oh, hello." "Hello, Spence." "Hi, Spence." "W-what are you doing here?" "Oh, I'm just, uh, walking my dog myself." "So, you 2 have struck up quite a friendship, haven't you?" "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah." "It's a bit odd, though, isn't it?" "It's just a bit odd." "Spence, don't." "I'm a father figure to this girl, that's all." "Oh, I see." "And I suppose she needs a father figure at exactly 2 P.M." "Every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, right here in this park." "Is that it?" "What are you driving at, son?" "Oh, for..." "Arthur, don't you see what's going on?" "I mean, for God's sakes, look around you." "[Dogs barking]" "I still don't know what your point is." "What are you, blind?" "This is a dog park." "She's been walking you for money." "She's a pro." "Arthur, can I explain?" "No!" "No!" "Arthur." "Arthur!" "(Man) Rascal!" "Arthur!" "Rascal!" "Arthur!" "Rascal!" "Dad, you're late." "Dinner's on the table." "Why's my food here?" "What do you mean?" "Why isn't it there?" "That's where you want me to eat." "Isn't it?" "Isn't it?" "[Door slams]" "[Sighs]" "Well, we had a nice ride." "How long do you think he'll stay mad at us?" "3,4 hours." "Oh, I can spin." "[Dogs barking]" "Hi, Arthur." "Hello." "You're looking well." "So are you." "Listen, I'm--I'm really sorry about everything." "Oh, no need to apologize, my dear." "We all have to make a living, I suppose, not me personally, but most people." "I--I--I swear that it wasn't just about the money." "I mean, I really enjoyed talking with you, learning about buzz bombs and trench foot." "Trench foot, yes." "The scourge of the European battlefield." "That was quite a time." "Hey, listen, um, would you wanna take a walk with me?" "Are you throwing me a freebie?" "Of course." "Then I'd like that."