"( theme song playing )" "Oh, Schultz, I just heard that... ( chuckling ):" "This is very nice." "Germany is locked in a death struggle with her enemies, and you're practicing to be a trained seal." "He's got to have a trade for after the war, sir." "Hogan, what are you doing here?" "Shopping for a trained seal act." "If you don't mind, I would like to conduct some Luftwaffe business." "Okay." "Major Strauss called from Stalag 4." "General Burkhalter and Captain Ritter are on their way over here." "Have the VIP quarters been cleaned?" "All is in order, Herr Commandant." "And lucky for you." "Carry on." "You-- out!" "Dismissed." "Who's Captain Ritter?" "Luftwaffe staff officer, Intelligence Section." "Any idea why he's coming to Shangri-La?" "The big shot doesn't tell us anything." "Yeah." "I can see you're busy." "I'll see you later." "( moans )" "Ah?" "Intelligence officer?" "Right, and due here in a few hours." "Could be important." "Kinch, radio London, tell them to stand by." "We may have something for them." "Right." "LeBeau, Carter, when Burkhalter and this Captain Ritter arrive," "I want you to get in the office and clean it-- ears open." "We already did that once, sir." "Clean it again, Carter." "Hasn't anyone ever told you war is a dirty business?" "Bonjour!" "Hi, folks." "What are you doing in here?" "We've come to clean the office." "But you cleaned it this morning." "That's right." "Where does the time go?" "SCHULTZ:" "Out!" "The officers are having a meeting." "No one allowed in here." "Well, with all that brass here, you want everyone to look busy, don't you?" "Never mind." "We'll tell Colonel Hogan you wouldn't let us clean it." "And he'll tell Klink." "And Klink will tell you." "Oh, boy, will he tell you." "Hey, drop us a postcard." "Let us know which combat unit you've been assigned to." "Bye, ma'am." "Au revoir." "Wait a minute!" "Come in." "Go ahead." "Clean-- but make it fast." "Would you move your great bulk aside, Sergeant?" "Wh-Wh-What for?" "We have to clean inside the closet." "Thank you." "KLINK:" "What brings you to Stalag 13?" "Captain Ritter has been ordered to acquaint himself with Luftwaffe prisoner-of-war facilities." "The general was kind enough to let me tag along on the inspection tour." "( chuckles ):" "I'm at your disposal, Captain." "I will give you any information that I have." "Danke, Herr Colonel." "You may learn a few things anyway." "Hmm!" "( chuckles )" "Will you be filing a report with Headquarters, sir?" "I mean, are they contemplating any changes?" "Klink's a very secure man." "No report, Colonel." "My work is Luftwaffe Intelligence." "( chuckling )" "There, there is nothing more intelligent than Intelligence, I always say." "Unfortunately, that's what he always says, among other things." "The general knows me so well." "It has not been easy." "Well, Captain, we shall try to make things as comfortable as possible for you." "Now, if there is anything I can do." "There is one small thing, Colonel." "Mm-hmm." "I have a Luftwaffe code book with me." "Top secret, of course." "I wonder if you could put it in your safe." "Captain." "I shall make it my personal responsibility." "Voilà." "In the safe it goes." "In the office safe." "Oui." "Wrapped in a nice waterproof package." "Luftwaffe codes." "Just what London wants for Christmas." "It's not what I want for Christmas, boy." "Can we get it?" "I'd have to steal it long enough to copy it." "Boy, what I'd like for Christmas is some new tires for my motorcycle back home." "Newkirk could open the commandant's safe." "I've done it before." "Very risky." "A man could get killed that way." "Not if you don't speed." "It's worth a try." "All right, Newkirk'll get the book." "Kinch, you handle the switchboard." "We need Klink out of his office for about ten minutes." "That's it." "Boy, wouldn't do any good to get those tires to my motorcycle for Christmas." "I'd have to be back home to enjoy them." "Boy, that's what I wish." "I wish I was a civilian again." "So do we, Carter." "So do we." "Just answer my question, Newkirk." "Do you call these windows clean?" "I do the best I can, sir." "Well, if that's an example of your best, maybe you ought to try your worst." "That's very funny, Colonel." "I don't mind being knocked about with a touch of humor, sir." "What is going on here?" "Just a minute, Commandant." "When you do a job, don't you try to be perfect?" "I mean, when you're working, what are you thinking about?" "Girls, mostly, sir." "It's been a long war." "This is my office, you know." "What's going on here?" "The colonel doesn't fancy the job I did on your windows, Commandant." "Well, if the windows in the nerve center of Stalag 13 can't be clean, I give up." "They look all right to me." "Commandant, do you want Burkhalter to tell that gang in Berlin that you've got DW?" "DW?" "Dirty windows." "Oh, never mind." "Get on with it." "Commandant, would you like to step outside for a few minutes while I do the job?" "No, the commandant would like to continue his work." "Now, clean the windows and do it quietly." "( phone ringing )" "Colonel Klink speaking." "Heil Hitler." "Sergeant of the guard, Herr Commandant." "General Burkhalter requests that you report to his quarters at once." "I'll be there immediately." "Schultz!" "Yes, Herr Commandant." "Schultz, did you send for me?" "Me send for you?" "I never send for anybody, not even if I need them." "I was told the general wanted to see me." "I walked in there and interrupted his nap." "Ooh, how terrible." "Interrupting a general's nap could cost a promotion." "If it costs me a promotion, Schultz, imagine what it would cost you." "I've got to build up my efficiency rating." "What do we have on the disciplinary file?" "The prisoners were writing nasty things about you on the barracks walls." "Old stuff." "Old, but true." "Oh, shut up." "Who cares?" "Oh..." "There are five silver spoons missing from the officers mess." "No, that's not..." "Wait." "That could be it." "Call a special formation of all prisoners at once." "Everyone must be there, no exceptions." "Tell Kinch to start sending that to London immediately." "I'll stay here and cover." "Right." "Oh, Colonel." "If you ever get anything valuable," "I wouldn't keep it in that bloody crackerbox if I were you." "Not with you around." "Where do you think you're going, soldier?" "!" "I'm going to the barracks." "Halt!" "There has been a special formation called at once!" "Right, Herr Schultz." "I'll be there and if I'm not there, start without me." "( blows whistle )" "Hold it, now..." "Get this man to the special formation at once!" "Take it easy, take it easy." "There's no need to get alarmed." "Good Lor..." "See what you nearly made me do." "Achtung!" "Prisoners, the mess sergeant reports that five silver spoons are missing from the officers mess." "The guilty man has 48 hours to return those spoons and report himself to the sergeant for suitable punishment." "If he fails to do so, the entire camp will be restricted to quarters and all privileges revoked." "Dismissed." "Why did you have to throw it in the well?" "I was making a wish." "I couldn't eat the bloody code book, could I?" "The question now is, how do we get the book out of the well?" "We could tunnel up to it, Colonel." "Yeah, it'd take too long." "Find an excuse to work over there-- above ground." "We start digging and tell them we're trying to get the well started again." "Carter, go away." "Help the Krauts find those spoons." "Well, hold it, hold it." "We could dig that well, but they'd have to need water." "Okay, we cut the pipes." "No, we need more time for digging." "Something bigger." "How about the water works at Hamelburg?" "Hey, that's marvelous!" "Hey, see, guys, I did have an idea." "Blow up the water works in Hamelburg." "Uh-huh." "The water works in Hamel..." "Colonel, wait a minute!" "Don't listen to me!" "I don't always know what I'm saying!" "( explosions continuing )" "( exhaling )" "( faucet rattling )" "( faucet rattling )" "Klink!" "( sputtering )" "And you expect people to go without water?" "What?" "I see." "Heil Hitler." "How long will the water be turned off, Herr Kommandant?" "Oh, it may take days." "But we do have wine, General Burkhalter." "I've never tried brushing my teeth with wine." "We have several bottles of Riesling 1936." "And I have no intention of walking around with drunken bridgework." "( knock at door )" "Come in, come in, come in." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "A word with you, Commandant?" "Not now, Hogan." "I'm busy." "It's very important, sir." "It's about the water supply." "I said not now." "Well, I mean, my men are without water." "We want you to turn on the reserve supply." "Reserve supply?" "There is no reserve supply." "No reserve supply?" "That's shocking." "What are your plans to meet the emergency, sir?" "Well, we are considering the problem right now." "This is a high-level meeting for just that purpose." "A high-level meeting with low-level thinking." "Have you suggested the dry well, sir?" "I haven't gotten to that yet." "Might be reactivated." "Give us the tools, we can start digging." "Of course, start digging... a tunnel." "Request denied." "No escape today." "Thank you, Hogan." "Just a minute, Klink." "You think there is a chance you could reach water?" "What do we got to lose, General?" "This high-level talking isn't going to solve the problem." "See that tools are issued to them at once." "Yes, sir." "And I think it's a excellent idea." "Thank you, General." "We'll get to work on it right away." "Dismissed, Hogan." "Well, gentlemen, to consider the problem..." "Klink, get me a bottle of that Riesling." "At once, sir." "I would like to wash up before lunch." "( chuckling )" "I got the book, Colonel." "All right, good." "Hold on to it." "Hey, Colonel, water's seeping into the bottom of the well." "How about that, we really did a job." "Let's get back to the barracks." "Just a minute, Colonel Hogan." "They are not going back to the barracks yet." "Line up." "Schnell." "What's the idea, Schultz?" "Spot check." "Orders by the Kommandant." "Come on, we've been working for hours!" "( all arguing )" "Quiet!" "Still looking for the spoons?" "Yes." "Klink says he's going to look for them till the end of the Earth." "And let's hope it's a one-way trip." "Now I'm going to make the search." "Hey, just a moment, Schultz." "Am I in the right place?" "No." "I stand over there." "You're not over here." "I mean, you're always on my right." "No, no, I..." "SCHULTZ:" "I don't care where..." "I don't, I don't care where you stand!" "Line up!" "Keep it that way!" "That's better!" "( water splashing )" "I say forget the code book, Colonel." "It's lost." "Okay, Ritter checks out, he asks for it, no book, big investigation." "You know how it ends?" "They shoot us as spies." "Well, we're not spies, Colonel." "We're just POWs." "Blowing up bridges and factories in our spare time." "Well, it keeps us out of trouble." "There's no choice." "Somebody's got to dive for it." "By now there's ten feet of ice water in the well." "He'll need earplugs, a flashlight." "We'll waterproof it with wax and gum." "Who's "he," Colonel?" "He's you, that's who he is." "Me?" "!" "Dive for that book in that ice water?" "!" "Carter, you're in good physical shape." "I know you're not afraid of water." "Just because I take a bath every Saturday-- that doesn't prove anything." "We have to get most of the Krauts out of camp." "I've got an idea." "Who hasn't escaped lately?" "I don't care to escape." "I like it here." "I've got a plan for a diversion." "It may involve shooting." "Makes it sound like fun." "What about me?" "I'm going to be under that ice water." "Andrew, you look better that way." "An escape?" "Which prisoner?" "LeBeau, the Frenchman." "The cockroach wants to leave us?" "I thought he liked it here." "Oh, shut up." "Go on, Hogan." "Well, he's dyed a blanket to make a crude uniform." "Tomorrow night he wants me to report a prisoner missing." "The alert starts, in the confusion, slips out of the barracks, joins the search party and leaves camp with them." "Yes, yes." "Once outside the wire, he slips away, takes off the uniform, he's gone." "( fingers snapping )" "Brilliant." "Stupid." "Uh, stupid and brilliant." "Schultz, arrest the Frenchman." "Throw him into the cooler." "Give him a chance to think it over." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Wrong, Commandant." "Smarter to let him go through with his plan." "Arrest him outside the wire tomorrow night." "What for?" "Well, if he has any outside contacts, pick them up, too." "We are the Luftwaffe, not the Gestapo." "I don't like it." "And it would look better on your efficiency rating." "However, I like to keep an open mind." "We'll try it." "Good thinking, sir." "Hogan." "Why are you reporting one of your own men?" "I don't want him to get hurt." "I've learned from bitter experience-- nobody escapes from Stalag 13 and the Iron Colonel." "Iron Colonel?" "Who's that?" "Schultz, I wish you would escape." "I wouldn't raise a finger to stop you." "Oh, Florence Chadwick, I presume." "Huh!" "The Krauts are all standing by, sir." "Good." "That uniform is perfect, LeBeau-- just bad enough." "Where'd you get the gun?" "Belongs to Schultz." "What's he going to use?" "That's his problem." "All right, let's get organized." "Newkirk, you'll be in charge of the flashlight, the rope and the blanket." "Right, sir." "Kinch, London all set for the code?" "Standing by, Colonel." "Okay, this is it." "LeBeau, let's move out." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "Please don't be too German." "They'll never believe it." "Almost set, Carter?" "Yes, sir." "Okay." "Good luck with your Channel swim." "Thanks." "Oh, that's charming." "Schultz!" "Schultz!" "There's a man missing." "He's gone." "Looks like an escape." "Prisoner escaped!" "Prisoner escaping!" "SCHULTZ:" "Search party, schnell, schnell, schnell!" "( alarm ringing )" "Search party, come on, let's go!" "Schnell!" "Prepare to move out!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Schnell, schnell!" "Let's go!" "SCHULTZ:" "Come on, let's go." "Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell!" "Search party, let's go!" "Come on, in the truck!" "Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell!" "Come on, let's go!" "Schnell!" "( alarm ringing )" "( engine revving )" "Forward!" "( whistling tune )" "Come on." "( bushes rustling )" "Now, got the signals?" "Two tugs on the rope means we'll pull you up." "Three tugs means trouble, stay down." "Good luck." "Think a short prayer might be in order, sir." "Is he in the water yet?" "It's a half mile down there." "( water splashing )" "Any more questions, Colonel?" "We've given him enough time." "Schultz, over there." "The rest of you come with me." "That cockroach is here somewhere." "I think I hear breathing." "I bloody well hope so." "He's ready to come up." "I got that impression myself." "Let's get him up." "( sputtering )" "Hey, he's got it." "Watch it." "Kraut coming." "Take cover." "( water splashing )" "( crickets chirping )" "LeBeau!" "Can you hear me?" "I know you're in there." "Now come out with your hands up and you won't get hurt." "LeBeau, don't be a fool." "You haven't got a chance." "I will count till three." "If you do not come out," "I will have the patrol fire." "SCHULTZ:" "Prepare to fire." "( rifles cocking )" "All right, LeBeau." "At the count of three." "One... two... three." "Don't hurt him." "He makes marvelous strudel." "Oh, shut up." "Fire!" "( gunfire )" "Cease fire!" "Get London working on that right away, huh?" "Right." "Let's get this blanket on him." "( gasping )" "Nice going, Carter." "Nice going." "( shivering )" "There you are, champ." "You did a great job." "He's got an affinity for water." "A natural frogman." "Be a smash in the Navy." "If they ask for him, I'll have to sign the transfer papers." "If you guys don't mind," "I'll see myself home." "Colonel Hogan, I'm not in..." "Newkirk, what are you doing here?" "I was just inspecting your windows, sir." "Out." "Dismissed." "Commandant, you knew about the escape in advance." "30 days in the cooler is too stiff." "The man did try to escape." "But I tipped you off." "And what's more, LeBeau stole those spoons so he could finance himself once he got out." "Now, nobody steals the property of the Third Reich and gets away with it!" "The spoons." "Will wonders never cease." "But how did they...?" "Good fairies must have returned them during the night." "I knew I would get them back." "Yeah, you've had a big week, sir." "The spoons have been returned, you recaptured the prisoner, we struck water." "Come on now, reduce LeBeau's sentence." "All right, 15 days in the cooler." "Come on, Commandant, that's not like you." "You're so strong and compassionate and efficient and likable and warm and human and just and fair." "Now, come on, you can afford to make a gesture." "Why, thank you for the compliments, Hogan." "One week-- and believe me it's not easy for me to reduce a sentence." "Believe me, it's not easy for me to think up those compliments for you." "( slaps desk )" "Dismissed!"