"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "Castle Duckula..." "grim, ghastly, gloomy, and ghoulish." "But even the grimmest and gloomiest place on earth... can seem a little less ghastly and ghoulish... when seen from the peace and tranquility of a garden." "And, yes, dear viewer... even the ghastly and grim Castle Duckula has a garden." "But what exactly is it that grows there?" "Igor, what exactly are those things that you're growing?" "Well, milord, here we have my fungus patch." "I'm particularly proud of the fly agaric and the death cap." "And over here we have some deadly nightshade and some death camas." "And here, milord, the pride of my collection... my carnivorous plant." "Huh, look at this." "Cabbages, carrots, beetroot, beans... and... wait for it... broccoli." "Yummy!" "My favorite!" " Oh, sir." " Oh, sir." "What are you "Oh, sir"-ing about now?" "Vegetables, milord." "Your forebears had no need of vegetables." "They shunned vegetables as night shuns the day... as evil shuns good." "The vegetable should be anathema." "Anathathemathema?" "Anathema, milord." "That's easy for you to say, Igor." "Now, I'm picking some of this broccoli... and I'm off to make myself a sandwich." "Huh, an anathathemathema, indeed." "Ah." "Aah!" "So, we add a little of this... und some of that... und a drop..." "Boy, is that ever powerful stuff!" "Now to try it out." "Heinrich!" "Heinrich?" "I am needing your assistance to try out... my Dr. Von Goosewing hair restorer und scalp youthfulizerer." "Heinrich?" "Ah, that boy's never around when you want him." "So, there is only one thing for it." "Nothing!" "Not a sausage." "Oh, back to the drawing board." "Wow!" "That's amazing." "So, I have invented... not the Dr. Von Goosewing hair rescalperer and store youthfulizer... but the Dr. Von Goosewing... rapid growth und quickly getting big fertilizer mixture!" "Duckula, you monster!" "Your doom is sealed!" "And the giant roared..." ""Fee, fie, foe, fum." "I smell"..." "Now, that's silly talk, isn't it?" "Fee, fie, foe, fum, indeed." "Huh." "And what's that supposed to mean?" "Shush, Nanny." "We're getting to a good part." "Get on with it, Igor." "I want to get to the bit about the goose and the golden eggs." "Oh, yeah, especially the golden eggs." "Anyway, who ever heard of a giant beanstalk?" "Oh, come on, Nanny." "Where's your imagination?" "Fantasize." "May I proceed with the narrative, milord?" "Yes, Igor, please do." "And the giant roared..." ""Fee, fie, foe, fum." "I smell the blood of an Englishman."" "Ooh, what's that, then?" "An Englishman?" "Well, he's a kind of..." "Well, he wears a bowler hat and carries an umbrella... and he talks sort of funny... you know, rather, jolly good show, what... pip, pip, tally ho, frightfully, don't you know of." "No, no, no." "What you said." "Something about size." "I think Nanny is referring to the word fantasize, milord." "Oh, I give up." "So." "So." "Und so." "This is your last and final end, Duckula, you monster." "So." "So." "What?" "What's that?" "Mmm?" "Ah." "Oh, it's just Goosewing in the garden." "Goosewing in the garden?" "What's he doing there?" "Igor, Nanny, quick!" "Duckypoos, what is it, my little dumpling?" " It's..." " Did he have a bad dream, then?" " No, Nanny, it's..." " Come here, then." "Oh, Nanny will give him a big cuddle, and the nasty dream will go away." "No, Nanny, please!" "I'm all right." "It's Goo..." "You yelled, milord?" "Milord?" "Where's the young master, Nanny?" "He's here, Mr. Igor." "The poor little dear had a nasty dream, didn't he?" "Put him down, Nanny." "Oh, boy, it was hot in there." "Now tell Nanny what the nasty dream was all about." "It's those scary books you reads before bed, isn't it?" "Bound to put nasty thoughts into your head, they are." "Nanny knows." "Nanny, I didn't have a dream." "Goosewing's out in the garden, and he's up to no good." "Oh, would that one could say the same for you, milord." " What was that, Igor?" " Oh, nothing, milord, nothing." "Well, I'm going out there to give him a piece of my mind." "Waking up the young master in the middle..." "No, Nanny, no." "I've got a better idea." "We'll all go out and find out what he's up to." "If he's been digging up my broccoli, I..." "So." "Und so." "There." "Now the castle entirely surrounded by garlic is." "Und what does a wampire hate?" "Garlic, that's what." "Now for the Dr. Von Goosewing... rapid growth und quickly getting big fertilizer mixture." "Ah, ha!" "Mein little beauty!" "All right, Goosewing, what's going on around here?" "Oh, boy, you gave me a nasty fright there." "And what's that you've just thrown on my broccoli plants?" "Oh, help!" "Hohenzollern zigmarunden!" "That stuff don't half work, all right." "Look at that baby grow." "Ooh, my poor old heart." "I regret to inform your Lordship that I think I'm going to be sick." " Nanny?" " What is it, Duckypoos?" "You know before when I said I wasn't dreaming?" " Yes?" " I think I must have been wrong." "This has to be a dream." "Oh, good, that's a relief." "So, all I have to do is pinch myself like this." "Ouch!" "Oh, that hurts." "Oh, dear." "Ah, help!" "Mmm." "It looks like cotton candy." "It tastes like cotton candy." "Aha." "It is cotton candy." "Yuck." "I just remembered..." "I hate cotton candy." "Ah!" "It seems to have stopped growing, too." "Thank goodness for that." "L..." "I beg your pardon, milord." "You've got cotton candy in your ears, Igor." "I said it stopped." "Ah, good." "I won't have to be sick after all." "No." "If the cotton candy had been stuck in your mouth, you would have been." "Oh!" "What is it, Nanny?" "Your new wig?" "Ha ha!" "Very fetching!" "My new..." "Oh, sometimes I just can't keep track of you." "No, look over there." "It's a castle." "Oh, don't be silly, Nanny." "A castle on a cloud." "It's a... it... it is a castle." "Fee, fie, foe, fum!" "Oh, whatever is that?" "If I didn't know better, I'd say it sounded uncommonly... like the giant in your Lordship's book." "Giants?" "Oh, dear." "I think, Milord, that all things being equal... a swift departure might be in order." "Oh, no, Mr. Igor." "I think we ought to get away from here as fast as we can." " Wow!" " Oh, Duckypoos!" "Don't shout like that." "I'm jumpy enough as it is." "Of course!" "The book you were reading to me, Igor." "What did the giant have?" "Huge sharp teeth that could bite you in half, milord." "Yes, yes." "Huge sharp teeth that could..." "But... but I mean what..." "Great big hands that could crush an ox." "Yes, yes, big hands that could crush..." "But what..." "Feet as big as fish ponds... that could squash a man as flat as a pancake, milord." "Yes, yes, yes, but as..." "We all know he was big, but what else did he have?" " A big hat?" " No." "He had a goose..." "a goose that laid golden eggs." "And you know what golden eggs mean?" " Double yolks?" " No, Nanny." "Golden eggs means money." "Money, money, money, money, money." "Mopus mazuma, and maybe this giant's got some, too." " What, money?" " No, golden eggs." "We're going to be rich, rich, and famous, too, probably." "Duckula the giant slayer." "The duck with the golden eggs." "Come on, you two." "What are you waiting for?" "Forward to the castle!" " Forward to fame and fortune!" " But, milord..." "I've told you before... no buts, Igor." "But, milord, are you sure this is wise?" "Wise?" "Wise, Igor?" "Wise?" "Was Dr. Stanley Livingstone wise when he went to discover Africa?" "Was Sir Walter Scott wise when he set out to find the North Pole?" "Was Colonel Wild Bill Custer wise... when he fought them pesky injuns at that battle of Little French Horns?" "Was Davy Crockett wise when he defended the Alamo?" " No, sir." " Davy Crockett was a man!" "Fought along the Rio Grande!" "Most unwise, milord, and all of them very dead." "Bun!" "Bing!" "Oh." "Well, that's beside the point." "We're still going to go to the castle to get those golden eggs." "More tea, dear?" "Thank you, mother." "I've got to keep my strength up." "We've got visitors, you know." "Oh, that's nice." "And it's all depending, really, isn't it?" "If you say so, dear." "I mean, if they're after the golden eggs or the singing harp... or what have you, then it's not so nice, is it?" " No, dear." " Especially when they think... they've got carte blanche to go round slaying folk... just 'cause they're giants." "No, it's not nice that, dear, is it?" "It's all they ever think of..." "giant slaying and egg poaching." "Mmm." "I quite like a poached egg now and then." "No, Mother, not poached eggs..." "poaching eggs." "You know, stealing them and that." "Oh, I see." "Right, then." "I'll just run through my lines... if you don't mind, Mother." "You go ahead, dear." "I think I'll have another fairy cake." "Ahem." "Fee." "No, no, no, no." "No, no, no." "Not fierce enough." "Fee." "Fee." "Fee." "Ahem." "Fee." "Oh, yeah, that's better." "Now, then..." "Fee, fie, foe, fum." "I smell the..." "Smell the..." "Blood, dear." "Blood." "Oh, yeah, that's right, mother." "I smell the blood of an..." " Englishman." " Englishman." "Englishman." "Yeah, I think I might have to write this down." "Be he alive or be he..." "Dead, dear." "Be he dead, dear." "Dead." "I'll grind his..." " Bones." " Oh, of course, yeah." "Grind his bones to make my..." " Bread." " Ah, bread." "More toast, dear?" "Now, from here on, we observe strict silence." "Understand?" "Strict silence." "Strict, understand?" "Silence." "Your Grandpa's governess was, too, you know." "Grandpa's govern... what?" "What about?" "Igor, what's she on about now?" "Oh, the workings of Nanny's mind... are as obscure to me as they are to your Lordship." "Yes, I know that, Igor, but what's she talking about?" "I don't know, milord." "Oh, very strict, she was." "I remember once when he'd raided his daddy's finest French hemoglobin." "Shh!" "That's enough, Nanny." "Do you want the giant to hear you?" "Ha ha." "Yes." "Quite a young scamp in his day, wasn't he, Nanny?" "Oh, yes." "Always in trouble, he was." "Quiet, you two!" "Do... do you remember the day he tied the werewolf's tail to..." " Quiet!" " Oh, yes." "Oh, he caught it for that, all right, didn't he, Mr. Igor?" "Quiet!" "Thank you." "Right." "That's better." "Let's keep it that way." "From here on, we proceed with silence, got it?" "Silence, stealth, slyness... and... say, how about that?" "He's left the door open." "Come on." "Hmm." "It's kind of spooky." "I don't know, milord." "It's quite like home, really." "Uh-oh." " Igor?" " Behind you, milord." "Ha!" "What?" "What is it?" "No, milord, it's me." "I'm behind you." "Whew." "Well, just stop creeping up on me like that." "You nearly made me jump out of my skin." "Oh, isn't it dark?" "That's because there aren't any lights on." "Oh, that's good." "Fee, fie, foe, fum!" "Oh, save us!" " Oh, dear." " It's a giant!" "Run!" "Run for your lives!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Fee, fie, foe, fum!" "Fee, fie, foe, fum!" "Oh, no, this is terrible." "Fee, fie, foe, fum!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Oh, there you are, Duckypoos." "We was wondering where you'd got to." "So sorry about the interruption, Mrs. G." " You were saying?" " Yes, well, you see... what with him being such a martyr to his leg and all... we don't get out as much as what we used to." "Nanny?" "Igor?" "What the..." "It's very rude to interrupt." "Do go on, Mrs. G." "Well, it was that bad last February." "He's coming." "He's coming!" "Quick!" "We got to get out of here!" "Now, then, young fella, me lad, where's Mr. Manners?" "Mr. Manners?" "Mister..." "There's a huge, ferocious, blood-curdling giant... coming to gobble us all up, and you're worried about Mr. Manners?" "I should think I am, indeed." "Now, you just say you're sorry." "Oh, for Pete's sake, Nanny." "Fee, fie, foe, fum!" "Madam, may I tender my most humble and abject apologies... for my outrageous and boorish behavior?" "There, satisfied now?" "Can we please get out of here?" " The giant!" " Oh, chasing you, is he?" "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" "Oh, I expect you'll be after his golden eggs, then, won't you?" "No, no, no, no, no!" "No, not anymore, I'm not." "All I'm after is getting out of here in one piece, preferably alive." "Oh, well, if you're not after his eggs, then there's no need to worry." "No need to worry?" "Do you hear that?" "Are you out of your... help!" "Any more tea in the pot, is there, mother?" "I've just brewed some fresh, dear." "Just a..." "I mean... well..." "Hold it, hold it, hold it!" "Hold everything!" "Where's the giant?" "Here I am." "You are not a giant." "I am." " You're not." " I am." "You are not." "I am." "I'm just small for my size." "But your voice!" "Those huge loud footie steps!" "I mean, how?" "Fee, fie, foe, fum!" "Oh, very impressive." "Very clever." "And you mean I've been scared half to death by..." "Oh, highly amusing... highly." "And how did you two get here anyway?" "Well, when your Lordship ran off in a blind panic..." "Blind panic?" "Me?" "Me?" "Ha!" "Oh, the very idea." "Ha." "Just a slight tactical retreat." "Of course." "When your Lordship made your slight tactical retreat..." "Screaming and shouting and carrying on..." "Well, I came out to see what the matter was." "And we got chatting about this and that." "Well, we don't get many visitors these days... and like I said, we don't get out a lot... do we, dear, with your leg and all." "So, we were invited in for tea and a chat." "I trust sir's leg is not over troublesome at present?" "Not too bad at the moment, thank you." "But you have to watch your stomach, don't you, dear?" "Oh, yes." "I have to watch my stomach." " Oh, no television, huh?" " Sorry?" "No television." "See?" "It's a joke." "Watch your stomach." "OK, forget it." "Right, Nanny, Igor and I will tie ourselves to this end of the rope." " But, milord..." " Quiet, Igor." "I know what I'm doing." "Then, Nanny, you will lower us gently to the ground." " Do you understand?" " Of course I do." "I gently lower the rope and tie the ground." "No, no." "You and Mr. Igor gently rope..." "No, I..." "I tie myself up, and..." "You understand?" " No." " No." "Look, I'll tie me and Igor up." "Now, you hold this and gently lower us to the ground." "Oh, dear, I don't like this." "I don't like this one bit." " Aah!" " Aah!" "There, Igor." "That wasn't as bad as all that." "No, sir, it was worse." "Oh, well, at least we're safe and..." "So, Duckula, you have returned!" "Oh, no." "Now prepare yourself to be blasted off the face of the earth... with mein wampire zapper." " OK, Igor..." " Sir?" "Prepare to be blasted off the face of the earth..." "Prepare to be blasted off the face of the earth with a... aah!" "Now just wait while I make a few little adjustments like so, und..." "Now, then, how do I..." "Oh, how am I supposed to..." "Oh, dear." "What did Master Duckula say?" "Oh, yes." "Tie yourself to the end of the rope... and gently lower yourself to the... whoo!" "There, it is fixed." "Now, you fiend..." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, that was lucky." "Oh, the ground broke my fall." "Yes." "It broke Goosewing, too, by the look of it." "Once more, gentle viewer... tortured screams of desperation and despair... assault the ears of the poor frightened peasant folk." "And once more, it's time to say... good night out there... whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"