"Humphrey, we've got to discuss this ceremony for the start of work on the Channel Tunnel." " The Foreign Office is stalling." " They say things still haven't been finalised." "About time they were." "Big occasion." "The inauguration, the laying of the foundation stone by the Prime Minister, James Hacker." "This historic link between our two great sovereign democracies." " Great coverage." " F.O. Haven't agreed everything with the French." "The only solution is for me to have a meeting with the French president and sort it out myself." "I had no idea that you were considering such a stimulating approach." " Well, I am." " Are you capable of concluding this negotiation?" " What are the outstanding points?" " Mainly they're concerned with sovereignty." "Where do you believe the frontier should be?" "The frontier between Britain and France." "What's wrong with wherever it is now?" "The three-mile limit." "Who would own the middle of the tunnel?" "The British position is that we should own half each." " That seems fair." " The French don't think it's fair." " They want the frontier to be at Dover." " Ridiculous." " Who would have sovereignty over the trains?" " Um..." "If a crime was committed on a French train in the British sector, who'd have jurisdiction?" "The British." "Well..." "No, the French." "No, the British." "And if a body was pushed out of a British train in the French sector?" "Well, the French." "Um... no, the British." "Um..." "If a British lorry was loaded onto a French train in the British sector?" "A British lorry, the British... or the French." "Could jurisdiction be divided into two legs?" "Home and away?" "Yes, thank you, Bernard." "Should we have a frontier post in the middle of the tunnel?" " Well, yeah." "Er, no." " Halfway across?" "Should we have customs and immigration clearance at one end or the other or both ends?" "With respect, these are points for the lawyers to discuss." "Precisely, but I thought I heard you say you wanted to handle it yourself." "I don't want to discuss points of abstruse international law." " I want to get the political points settled." " So sovereignty's not political?" "How interesting." "The French want the signs to be in French first and English second." " No!" " Then you can't have your ceremony." "Well, French first at the French end and English first at the English end?" " What about on the trains?" " Oh, does it matter?" " And the menus?" "French or English?" " Couldn't they be changed halfway?" "No." "The French are adamant." "That is why the British and French Concorde are spelt the French way with an E." " Don't we ever get our way with the French?" " Sometimes." " When was the last time?" " Battle of Waterloo, 1815." " The French may raise the question of hijacking." " Hijacking?" "What if terrorists hijacked the train and threatened to blow up the tunnel?" "Give the French jurisdiction over the lot, then it's their problem." "If you'd handled the negotiations, you'd have just handed everything over to the French." "I personally believe the French will come up with a totally underhand ploy to gain the advantage." "But no doubt you've anticipated that." "I don't think it's necessary for me to conduct these negotiations." "If humiliating concessions have to be made, let the Foreign Secretary make them." " Very wise." " Let's have a glass of sherry, Bernard." "May we discuss the vexed question of your predecessor's memoirs?" " What now?" " The final chapter concerns his resignation and your accession to the premiership." " He wants access to certain papers." " Can't we stop these bloody memoirs?" " Memoirs, alas, are an occupational hazard." " It's the betrayal that upsets me." "Until I'd read the first seven chapters, I thought he was a friend." " He says some shocking things." " Such as?" " He calls me two-faced." " That was very wrong." " You admit he was wrong?" " Yes, indeed." "Cheers." " Unforgivably indiscreet." " Have you seen it?" " Oh, and wrong." " How can he tell such lies about me?" " What lies?" "Oh, yes, I see." " What's in it for him?" " Bestseller?" " No, it's not that." "He lies because it's in his nature." "He's treacherous, malevolent... and vile." "If he thinks he'll get any more honours or quangos, he's got another think coming!" "He's not getting one ounce more recognition!" "Yes." "Look, is this important?" "Because..." "Oh." "No?" "Oh." "He was dead on arrival?" "I see." "Thanks." " Bad news, Bernard?" " Yes... and no." "Your predecessor, the previous Prime Minster of Great Britain, has just died of a heart attack." " Tragic." " Tragic." " He was a great man." " Great man." " He'll be sorely missed." " Sorely missed." " So will his memoirs." " Which will never be finished." " Alas." " Alas." "Apparently, just before the end, he expressed a hope that he might have a state funeral." " But in view of your wish to pay him no..." " No, you must have misunderstood me." " Many people will want to attend his funeral." " To pay tribute to a great Prime Minister?" "Yeah and to make sure he's dead." "Seven Commonwealth Prime Ministers, the American Vice President, six European Prime Ministers." " Pretty good." " Very good, Prime Minister." " I am the host." " Yes, indeed." "Amongst all the world's leaders, centre of the world stage." " Bearing your grief with dignity and fortitude." " Quite." "Dignified grief goes down very well with the voters, especially when it's shared by world statesmen." "It's a wonderful thing, death." "So uncontroversial." "What's this query against the French Prime Minister?" "The French ambassador's coming to see you." "Plenty of room for TV cameras." "Outside No. 10, outside the abbey, inside the abbey." "One pointing directly at my pew." "Um... wouldn't that mean putting the cameraman in the pulpit?" "Will that be all right?" "It won't leave a lot of room for the Archbishop." "Well..." "So where will he preach from?" " He'll need to be in the pulpit." " Where will my camera be?" "There's always the high altar, but I think the Archbishop may need that as well." "Who does he think he is?" "He thinks it's a religious ceremony." "Nobody's told him it's a party political." " The French ambassador here, is he?" " Yes, but could I have a word first?" "The French PM isn't coming." "The President's coming instead." " President?" "Marvellous!" " No, it's terrible!" "When the Queen visited France, she presented him with a Labrador puppy." " Now he's bringing her one of its puppies." " No!" " Afraid so." " I knew it!" " It seems to be rather a nice gesture." " It's a gesture, but hardly a nice one." " Why not?" " She'll have to refuse it." " Why?" " Quarantine!" "You can't import dogs!" "It'll have to spend six months in quarantine." "The French will understand, won't they?" "They'll understand it privately, but they'll refuse to understand it officially." "The Foreign Office must sort it out." "Get Peter." "Humphrey, they're creating a diplomatic incident so they can get their own way over the tunnel." "Of course, Prime Minister!" " Peter, you've heard the news?" " Yes." " What are we going to do?" " I don't know." "You're my Foreign Affairs Secretary." "Yes, but the Home Office is responsible for quarantine." "Get Graham." "Can't you get them to withdraw this gift?" "We've suggested a painting of the puppy, a bronze, a porcelain model." "Not a hope." " Couldn't you get them to stuff it?" " Well..." "Oh, taxidermy." "No, no chance." "Tell the Home Office they must find a way round quarantine regulations." " Out of the question." " What do you mean?" "We enforce them vigorously with all British citizens and foreign nationals." "Also the Quarantine Act is signed by the Queen." "She can't be the only one to break her own laws." "Out of the question." " The French ambassador's here." " Ask him to wait for a moment." "Get back to the Foreign Office." "Say we've got to find a way round this." "Keep in touch with Bernard." "Bernard, liaise with the palace." "Humphrey, coordinate it all." " I'll set up an operations room." " Anything else we ought to do?" " I think you should see the ambassador now." " OK, wheel him in." "Don't you go, Humphrey!" " Do I need any papers?" " No, just a sponge and a towel." " His Excellency, the French ambassador." " Excellency." " You're most kind to give me your time." " Enchant?" "You're anxious to finalise the agreement for the tunnel?" "Very much so." "In fact..." " There's no real hurry." "It would be nice if..." " Quite." "My government feels that if we took advantage of the funeral..." " My condolences, by the way." "A tragic loss." " Oh, tragic, tragic." "If we took advantage of the funeral for you and our President to speak..." "Of course, I will be host to a large number of distinguished people." "It may not be easy." "You do not wish to speak to our President?" "Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course." "Well, yes... and no." "Speak, yes, of course, but negotiate..." "Don't you think these quarrels between friends are best resolved by just talking together?" "Between friends, yes." "Otherwise the President may be hurt." "Not personally, but as a snub to France." "No intention." "Great friends." "Excellent." "The second point is the security of our embassy during the visit." "Yes, everything's in hand." "My government requests that the French police be permitted to guard the embassy." " French police?" "No, that's not possible." " It is surely not impossible?" " Don't you trust the British police?" " We make no comment on the British police." "But our President would be happier if the French police were in charge." "The problem, Excellency, is that there are well over a hundred embassies in London." "No doubt they'd all want their own police." "Most of them would carry machine guns." "Her Majesty's government is not..." "totally convinced that that would make London a safer place." "My government will be most disappointed." "But now I can turn to a happy matter." "Our President will be bringing a little present which he will be presenting to Her Majesty." " How charming." " A little puppy." "Her name is Cocotte." "Cocotte." "She comes from the litter of the same Labrador that Her Majesty presented to the President on her last state visit to France." "Let him know the arrangements for the presentation." "Oh, delightful thought." "The presentation won't be possible for another six months." " Our quarantine laws." " Absurd." "Your Queen gave her dog during her visit." "Why can our President not do the same?" "Delightful thought, nothing we'd rather..." "but the law is the law." " Surely it exists to exclude infected animals?" " Er... yes." "Do you suggest the President of France would present the Queen of England with a diseased puppy?" " No, no, no..." " Then it is settled." "No, it is not." "Suggest to your President that he brings a different gift." "Out of the question." "Were it the President alone, perhaps." "The President's wife, our first lady, has set her heart on it." "She is determined." "We'll make every effort, but it may not be possible." "I cannot tell you the gravity of the affront my government would feel if Her Majesty were to refuse a gift in exchange for the one our President accepted from her." "I fear it would be interpreted as both a national and a personal affront to the President and his wife." "Excellency, you must ask the President not to bring that bitch with him." "No, no, the puppy." "I meant the puppy." "We have to lay on visits for the wives." "The Foreign Office like it." "Keeps them out of the way." " Why can't they be with their husbands?" " They're busy." " Only at the funeral." " They're not coming for the funeral." "They're coming here for the politics." "This is a working funeral." "At that funeral in Norway, we were all so busy, the French, Germans and I, talking about quotas, we forgot to go to the cathedral." " Did they notice?" " They noticed, all right." "We got there late." "Blamed security." "You can blame security for anything nowadays." " So this funeral will be a sort of summit." " Yes." "It's a heaven-sent opportunity." " Literally." " Yes." "Better than a summit because there are no expectations." "People don't expect leaders to come back with test-ban agreements or quota reductions, so we can have some meaningful discussions." " A summit is just a public-relations circus." " Isn't anyone coming to pay tribute to a friend?" "A friend?" "If only his friends came to the abbey, we wouldn't even fill the vestry." "He's done much more for the world by dying than he ever did in the whole of his life." "Have you agreed the service?" " Yeah, lots of music." " That's nice." "Mm, you can have useful discussions when the organ's playing." " Have to shut up for the lesson." " What about the sermon?" "That's when you catch up on jet lag." "This funeral's come at the right moment." "We've all sorts to discuss - about NATO, the Warsaw Pact, the Middle East." "And what if you don't sort it all out?" "We'll just have to hope that before too long somebody else important snuffs it." "I've spoken to the Home Office." "They say there's no grounds to pass an act to allow this dog into Britain." "I know an enabling act can enable anything, but the PM feels it would merely enable him to lose the next election." "Have you thought of turning Buckingham Palace into a quarantine zone for dogs?" "Just a thought." "What about the corgis?" "Hang on." "Graham, check with the palace that Her Majesty's not been told officially that this gift's been proposed, then she can't be implicated in refusing it." "Yes, we will want simultaneous translators." "Er, no, not when the PM meets the leaders of English-speaking nations." "Yes, they can be said to include the US with a certain generosity of spirit." "Got to go." "Yes, 10 Prime Ministers are flying in today." "Special Branch are going crazy." "So is the Royal Marines band who play all the national anthems." " I see." "Argentina's not coming." "A bit of luck." " Because of the Falklands?" "No, because their anthem goes on for about six minutes." "I know you're worried about this dog." "So am I." "Talk to our ambassador in Paris." "See if he can think of a way to nobble it." "You know, slip it something." "See if the Bulgarians have got any spare umbrella tips." "If we made the palace an extension of the French embassy, the dog would be on foreign territory." "The PM is fighting for the sovereignty of the tunnel." "How would he feel about palace sovereignty?" "How do you think the sovereign would feel?" "No, we can't have alphabetical seating in the abbey." "You'd have Iraq and Iran next to each other." "Plus Israel and Jordan all sitting in the same pew." "We'd be in danger of starting World War III." "I know Ireland begins with an I, but it doesn't make it any better." "Ireland doesn't make anything any better." "If the papal envoy says, "We desire to wash our hands", it means he wants a pee." "Yes, a royal "we", followed by a royal flush." "Watch out for the South Africans." " Problems with human rights?" " No, they're trying to unload grapefruit." "The palace wants to know if there's a problem about the red carpets." "The Ivory Coast wishes to award Her Majesty with the Order of the Elephant." "Hang on." "We can't have another animal, especially an elephant." "Whitehall, the Home Office, Foreign Office, the DHSS, have been tied up with one puppy for nearly a week!" "No elephants!" "The mode of address to a Cypriot archbishop is not Your Ecstasy, it's Your Beatitude." "For God's sake, what is it..." "Oh, sorry, Prime Minister." "I'll come in straight away." " What on earth is that?" " The Channel Tunnel file." " No, no, the other one." " That's the puppy file." " Where have we got to?" " It weighed in at three and a half pounds." " The puppy?" " No, the file." " What's happening?" " We've told the French that airport security will have to keep the puppy in quarantine." " What do they say?" " No reply yet." "It is on the route from the palace to Windsor, so the Queen could visit it." " Can you visit quarantined dogs?" " Well, if she can't, she can sort of wave to it." " What do you think they'll do?" " Threaten to publish the story if we don't give in on the tunnel." " I have urgent news." " I hope it's good news." "Yes and no." "The police found a bomb in the French embassy grounds." " What?" "!" "Who put it there?" " We don't know yet." " Lots of people could have a motive." " Me, for a start." "It's a good thing we found it..." "I suppose." "The other news is worse." "The President is not flying in for the funeral." " That's marvellous!" " He's not flying, he's driving!" "Secretly!" " The plane is just going to be a decoy." " Good idea." " A brilliant idea!" "He can bring the puppy!" " No!" "Are you prepared to give permission for his car to be stopped and searched?" "Will you violate their diplomatic immunity and search the diplomatic bag?" " Even they wouldn't put a puppy in a bag." " It'd be a doggy bag." "If we found it, that'd put the cat among the pigeons." "Let the dog out of the bag." " But just suppose it wasn't there?" " Yeah." "I can't take the risk." "If it was there, they'll drive into the French embassy and that puppy will be on French territory here, right in the middle of London!" " Hanging over our heads." " Better pray it's house-trained." "I'm so sorry, would you excuse the Prime Minister?" "We have a problem." "Have you spoken to the French President yet?" " A couple of well-chosen words." " What, precisely?" "Bonsoir, actually." "You can't put it off." "It'll be one more thing for him to take offence at." "He can't be that easily offended, can he?" "No, but in exchange for dropping this dog nonsense, they want sovereignty over the tunnel from the three-mile limit." " Absurd." " That's the negotiating position." "They'll concede to a 50-50 split midway across the Channel if we agree to French as the first language on all signs, information, menus, everything." " French comes before English." " Must I concede?" " If you want your foundation-stone ceremony." " All right." "Where is he?" "Mrs Hacker, have you met Monsieur Berenger from UNESCO?" "Such a good funeral." "Much better than Andropov's." " That was gloomy." " So glad you're enjoying it." " Prime Minister, got a minute?" " The American Vice President." "I was talking to the Soviets." "Gromyko's got a great Polish joke." " What is it?" " Jaruzelski!" "Commissioner... can I introduce you to Monsieur Berenger from UNESCO?" "UNESCO?" "Ah, yes." "Gallant little country." " Ah, Sir Humphrey!" " You remember the Soviet ambassador." "You know, the death of the past Prime Minister is a very sad occasion." " Oh, yes, yes, very sad..." " But it is no loss for Britain." " You know what his trouble was?" " Hm?" "He had plenty here, plenty here but nothing here!" " Ahh!" "Yes, Bernard?" "Forgive me, I must talk to our French friends." "I did want to talk to you about the NATO bases in Germany." " Tomorrow, Westminster Abbey." " You got a deal." " You need to see this security file." " I'm about to talk to the President." "You should see this file first." "That bomb in the French embassy was planted by the French police." "You're not serious?" "Why?" " To catch us out, prove our security inefficient." " Smuggling explosives into the UK?" " Correct." " Got proof?" " We found a detonator in their hotel." " This is wonderful!" "Give me two minutes alone with the President." "When I give you a signal, bring that file in." "What will the signal be?" "Um..." "I'm so sorry, Monsieur le President." "I'm sure he's just coming." "Monsieur le President... the tunnel." "Indeed, but first of all, can we clear up this misunderstanding about the puppy which I am presenting to Her Majesty tomorrow?" "I'm very sorry, but I can't ask her to break the law." "I do not want the Queen to break the law." "I merely ask the Prime Minister to bend it." "I'm deeply sorry." "If I possibly could." "If the French people learn of this rejection, a national slap in the face..." " The tunnel." " The tunnel?" "You make it difficult for me." "The French will not accept a second slap in the face and you are rejecting our very reasonable proposal for French sovereignty as far as Dover." "However, setting that to one side, there is the question of which shall be la langue de pr閒閞ence, the first language." "Sir Humphrey, I have just seen this order of service for tomorrow." "It is deeply embarrassing." "This hymn." ""On Jordan's Bank, The Baptist's Cry"?" "Why?" "Don't you know the Jordan Bank went bust yesterday?" "Surely, if we have half the signs in French first and half the signs in English that's fair?" " It's not logical." " Does logic matter?" " Does law matter?" "Yes." "Britain is the only country in Europe still... free of rabies." "Bernard will handle this for you." "Bernard..." "Monsieur le President, will you forgive me?" "Prime Minister, I think you ought to see this." "No, I don't believe it!" "Mr President, I shall have to ask you to explain this." "I need hardly say how grave this matter is." "Prime Minister, I ask you to believe I had no knowledge of this." "An attempt by a guest to deceive our government?" "Smuggling explosives into the UK?" "You must know that the French government never knows what French security are doing." " You can't take responsibility for them?" " That's not what I mean." "If this report is true, accept my profound regrets." " It's true enough, I'm afraid." " Thank you, Prime Minister." "It makes it so difficult for the Prime Minister..." "over the Channel Tunnel." "After news of this bomb, the British will want to make few concessions." "They won't know whether it's safe to... go through." " It could be full of official French bombs." " Absolument." "Of course, in the interests of Anglo-French friendship, we could overlook the crimes of your security men." "I suppose... sovereignty halfway across?" "I'll just write that down, if I may." "Half the signs in English first and the ceremony in two months... in Dover." "As an expression of the enduring warmth and trust between our two countries." "Let us have a draft communiqu?" "tomorrow." "Mais oui, Prime Minister."