"Hey let me ask you something." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place huh?" "Huh?" "Boy these conservatives are really something aren't they?" "They're all in favor of the unborn." "They will do anything for the unborn but once you're born you're on your own." "Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months." "After that they don't want to know about you." "They don't want to hear from you." "No nothing." "No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing." "If you're preborn you're fine." "If you're preschool you're fucked." "You're fucked." "Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach military age." "Then they think you are just fine." "Just what they been looking for." "Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers." "Pro-life." "Pro-life." "These people aren't pro-life they're killing doctors." "What kind of pro-life is that?" "What they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it?" "They're not pro-life." "You know what they are?" "They're anti-woman." "Simple as it gets." "Anti-woman." "They don't like them." "They don't like women." "They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a broodmare for the state." "Pro-life." "You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses do you?" "No you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies do you?" "No that might be something Christ would do." "And you won't see... you won't see a lot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire." "You know morally committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a Goddamn demonstration didn't they?" "Huh?" "Hey." "They knew how to put on a fucking protest." "Light yourself on fire!" "Come on you moral crusaders let's see a little smoke to match that fire in your belly." "Here's another question I have." "How come when it's us it's an abortion and when it's a chicken it's an omelet?" "What?" "Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden?" "When did this happen that we pass chickens in goodness?" "Name six ways we're better than chickens." "See nobody can do it." "You know why?" "Cause chickens are decent people." "You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs do you?" "You don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery do you?" "When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen?" "Doesn't happen cause chickens are decent people." "Well let's get back to this abortion shit." "Now is a fetus a human being?" "This seems to be the central question." "Well if a fetus is a human being how come the census doesn't count them?" "If a fetus is a human being how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a funeral." "If a fetus is a human being how come people say we have two children and one on the way instead of saying we have three children?" "People say life begins at conception," "I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process." "Continuous, just keeps rolling along." "Rolling." "Rolling." "Rolling along." "I said you know something?" "Listen, you can go back further than that." "What about the carbon atoms?" "Huh?" "Human life could not exist without carbon so is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all this coal?" "Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments." "See the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization." "Fertilization when the sperm fertilizes the egg, which is usually a few moments after the man says," ""Gee honey I was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me."" "Fertilization." "But even after the egg is fertilized it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins and not every egg makes it that far." "80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has." "They wind up on sanitary napkins and yet they are fertilized eggs." "So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who's had more than one period is a serial killer." "Consistency." "Consistency." "Hey, hey if they really want to get serious what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man and one of these pro-life guys who's watching comes in his pants huh?" "Here's a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnie's and Debbie's and nobody's saying a word to the guy." "Not every ejaculation deserves a name." "Now speaking of consistency" "Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason," "Catholics" "Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals." "Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?" "Leave these fucking people alone for Crist sakes." "Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside." "You'd think they'd make natural allies." "Go look for consistency in religion." "And speaking of my friends, the Catholics, when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of these other cardinals and bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they've raised a couple of children" "on a minimum wage then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion." "I'm sure it will be interesting and enlightening too but but in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys." "Keep your hands to yourself Father you know?" "When Jesus said," ""Suffer the little children come onto me,"" "that's not what he was talking about." "So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people?" "I say, Hey, hey if you think a fetus is more important than a woman try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear." "For no pay and no pension." "I tell them to think of an abortion as term limits, that's all it is." "Biological term limits." "But you know the longer you listen to this abortion debate the more you here this phrase sanctity of life." "You've heard that, sanctity of life." "You believe in it?" "Personally I think it's a bunch of shit." "Well I mean life is sacred?" "Who said so?" "God?" "Hey if you read history you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death." "Has been for thousands of years." "Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians all taking turns killing each other cause God told them it was a good idea." "The sword of God, the blood of the Lamb, vengeance is my millions of dead motherfuckers." "Millions of dead motherfuckers all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question." "You believe in God?" "No." "Dead." "You believe in God?" "Yes." "You believe in my God?" "No." "Dead." "My God has a bigger dick than your God." "Thousands of years..." "Thousands of years and all the best wars too." "The bloodiest most brutal wars fought all based on religious hatred, which is fine with me." "Hey anytime a bunch of holy people want to kill each other I'm a happy guy." "But don't be giving me all this shit about the sanctity of life." "I mean even if there were such a thing" "I don't think it's something you can blame on God." "No you know what the sanctity of life came from?" "We made it up." "You know why?" "Cause were alive." "Self-interest." "Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea of somehow life is sacred." "You don't see Abbott and Costello running around talking about this shit do you?" "Were not hearing a whole lot from Mussolini on the subject." "What's the latest from JFK?" "Not a Goddamn thing cause JFK, Mussolini and Abbott and Costello are fucking dead." "They're fucking dead." "And dead people give less than a shit about the sanctity of life." "Only living people care about it so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view." "It's a self-serving, man-made bullshit story." "It's one of these things we tell ourselves so we'll feel noble." "Life is sacred." "Makes you feel noble." "But let me ask you this." "If everything that ever lived is dead and everything alive is going to die where does the sacred part come in?" "I'm having trouble with that." "Cause I mean even with this stuff we preach about the sanctity of life we don't practice it." "We don't practice it." "Look at what we kill." "Mosquitoes and flies cause their pests." "Lions and tigers cause it's fun." "Chickens and pigs cause we're hungry." "Pheasants and quails cause it's fun and we're hungry." "And people." "We kill people cause their pests and it's fun." "And you might have noticed something else." "The sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells does it?" "You rarely see a bumper sticker that says," "Save the tumors or I break for advanced melanoma." "Nah viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, ecoli bacteria, the crabs, nothing sacred about those things." "So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing." "We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred and we get to kill the rest." "Pretty neat deal huh?" "You know how we got it?" "We made the whole fucking thing up." "Made it up." "The same way" "Thank you." "The same way we made up the death penalty." "We made them both up." "Sanctity of life and the death penalty aren't we versatile?" "And you know in this country now there are a lot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers." "This is really stupid." "Drug dealers aren't afraid to die." "They're already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds." "Drive-bys, gang shootings, they're not afraid to die." "Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die like the bankers who launder the drug money." "The bankers who launder the drug money." "Forget the dealers." "You want to slow down that drug traffic you got to start executing a few of these fucking bankers." "White middle class Republican bankers." "And I'm not talking" "I'm not talking about soft American executions like lethal injection." "I'm talking about fucking crucifixion folks." "Let's bring back crucifixion, a form of capital punishment that Christians and Jews of America can really appreciate." "And I'd go a little further." "I'd crucify people upside down." "Like Saint Peter, feet up head down." "And naked." "I'd have naked, upside down crucifixions on TV once a week at half time on the monday night football game." "Monday night." "The monday night crucifixions." "You'd have people tuning in don't even care about football." "Wouldn't you like to hear" "Dan Deardorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle?" "And I'll guarantee you one thing you start executing, you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross on national TV you're going to see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking quick." "Pretty fucking quick." "You won't even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore." "Now I don't care about capital punishment one way or another cause I know it doesn't do anything." "It doesn't do anything except maybe satisfy a kind of a biblical need for revenge." "You know if you read the bible you see that it's full of retribution and revenge so really capital punishment is kind of a religious ritual." "It's a purification rite." "It's a modern sacrament and as long as that's true" "I say let's liven it up a little." "I honestly believe if you make the death penalty a little more entertaining and learn to market it correctly you just might be able to raise enough money to balance the stupid fucking budget." "Balance the stupid fucking budget." "And don't forget the polls show the American people want capital punishment and they want a balanced budget and I think even in a fake democracy people ought to get what they want once in a while just to feed this illusion" "that there really in charge." "Let's use capital punishment the same way we use sports and television in this country to distract people and take their minds off how bad their being fucked by the upper 1%." "Now unfortunately unfortunately monday night football doesn't last long enough." "What we really need is year round capital punishment on TV every night with sponsors." "Got to have sponsors." "I'm sure as long we're killing people" "Marlboro cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to participate." "Proud to participate." "Balance the stupid fucking budget." "And let me say this to you my interesting Judea Christian friends not only not only do I recommend crucifixions" "I'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings." "Beheadings on TV, slow motion, instant replay and maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill and fall into one of five numbered holes." "Yeah." "Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into." "And you do it in a stadium so the mob can gamble on it too." "Raise a little more money and if you want to expand the violence a little longer to sell a few more commercials instead of using an axe you do the beheadings with a hand saw." "Hey don't bail out on me now God damn it." "The blood is already on our hands all were talking about is a matter of degree." "You want something a little more delicate?" "We'll do the beheadings with an olive fork." "That would be nice." "And it would take a good Goddamn long time." "There's a lot of good things we could be doing." "When's the last time we burned someone at the stake?" "It's been too long." "Here's another form of capital punishment comes out of a nice rich religious tradition, burning people at the stake sponsor," "Bridgeford Charcoal." "And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings." "The Sunday morning Evangelical" "Send Us An Offering" "Praise Jesus Human Bonfire." "You don't think that would get big ratings in this sick fucking country?" "Shit you'd have people skipping church to watch this stuff." "And you take the money they send in the offerings and you use it" "To balance the budget." "What about boiling people in oil?" "Boy those were the days weren't they?" "You get the oil going real good, you know?" "A nice high rolling boil and then slowly at the end of a rope you lower the perpetrator head first into the boiling oil huh?" "You talk about fun shit." "And just to encourage citizen participation you let the mob in the stadium control the speed of the rope." "Good clean, wholesome family entertainment." "The kids will love it." "The kids will love it and at the same time their enjoying themselves were teaching them a nice Christian moral lesson." "Oiling people in oil." "Sponsor, Crisco." "And maybe instead of boiling all these guys every now and then you could French fry a couple of them." "French fried felons." "Dip a guy in egg batter just for a goof you know?" "Kind of a tempura thing huh?" "Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of this shit did he?" "Jeffrey Dahmer eat your heart out, which is an interesting thought in of itself." "All right enough nostalgia what about some modern forms of capitol punishment?" "How about we throw a guy off the World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the Publishers Clearing House huh?" "Okay something a little more sophisticated:" "You dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a small room with a wolverine who's high on angel dust." "There's one guy that's not going to be fucking with too many kids at the bus stop for a while huh?" "Here's something really nice you could do." "You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult right into a brick wall." "Trouble is it would be over too quick." "No good for TV you know, you'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row." "Rapid-fire capital punishment." "Fifteen catapults while you're shooting off one you're loading up the others." "Of course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall." "Cleanliness right next to Godliness." "All right high tech." "I sense some of you's are waiting for high tech." "I got it." "You take a small tactical nuclear weapon and stick it up a guy's ass." "A thermal nuclear suppository." "Preparation-H Bomb." "You talk about fallout huh?" "Whoa!" "Or you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy's dick you know?" "Yeah." "A bomb in a dick." "When it goes off the guy wouldn't know whether he was coming or going." "Get out of here." "I got you." "Hey listen" "Hey" "I got a lot of good ideas." "Balance the stupid fucking budget." "Here's another idea." "I'm going to save you a whole lot of money on prisons but at the same time we are still going to remove from society many of our more unannoying citizens." "Four groups are going away permanently." "First group violent criminals." "Here's what you do with these Emmy Award winners." "You take the entire state of Kansas, you move everybody out." "You give them a couple hundred dollars for their inconvenience you know?" "That'll be fair and then you move them out, you put a big ten-story electric fence around Kansas and Kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals." "No parole, no police, no supplies the only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition so they can communicate in a meaningful way." "Then you put the whole thing on cable TV." "The violence network, VNN and for a corporate sponsor you get one of those company's that loves to smear its logo feces all over the landscape," "Budweiser will jump at this shit in half a minute." "All right next group, sex criminals." "Completely incurable you got to lock them up." "You could outlaw religion and most of these sex crimes would disappear in a couple of generations but we don't have time for rational solutions." "Much easier to fence off another rectangular state." "Rectangular states are cheaper to fence, saves the taxpayers money you know?" "This time Wyoming but only for true sex offenders." "We're not going to bother consenting adults who like to dress up in leather Boy Scout uniforms and smash each other in the head with ballpeen hammers while they take turns blowing their cat." "There's certainly nothing wrong with that." "It's a victimless hobby and think of how good the cat must feel." "No were only going to lock up rapist and molesters, those hopeless romantics who are so full of love they can't help getting a little of it on you." "Usually on your leg." "You take all these heavy breathing fun seekers and you stick them in Wyoming and you let them suck, fuck and fondle." "You let them blow, chew, sniff, lick, whip, gobble and corn hole each other until their testicles are whistling" "O'Come All Ye Faithful." "Then you turn on the cameras and you got the Sperm Channel and don't forget our corporate sponsor, were going to let Budweiser put little logo patches on the rapists pants right here," "This Pud's for You." "All right next group, drug addicts and alcoholics." "Not all of them, don't get nervous, just the ones who are making life difficult for at least one other person." "And were not going to bother first offenders." "People deserve a chance to clean up." "Everyone will get twelve chances to clean up." "Okay." "All right." "Fifteen... fifteen." "That's fine and that's it." "If you can't make it in fifteen tries off you go To Colorado." "Colorado, a perfect place for staying loaded." "Each week all of the illegal drugs confiscated in the United States that the police and DEA don't keep for their own personal use, will be air dropped into Colorado." "And were going to turn the Coors Brewery over to the beer drinking assholes and everyone can stay wasted, wired, stoned, bombed, hammered, smashed and shit-faced around the clock on another new cable channel," "Shit Faced Central this is the real Rocky Mountain High!" "Okay I've saved my favorite group for last." "The maniacs and crazy people." "Yeah." "The ones who live out where the buses don't run." "And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people." "A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo." "A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time." "So you can't put them all away." "You know you got to keep some of them around just for the entertainment." "Like a guy who tells you that the King of Sweden is using his penis as a radio transmitter to send anti-Semitic lesbian meatloaf recipes to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlish." "A guy like that you want to give him his own radio show." "No the maniac farm will be reserved strictly for hopeless cases like a guy who gets a big tattoo on his chest of Liza Minnelli taking a shit." "You know?" "And he tells you if he wiggles a certain way it looks like she's wiping her ass you know?" "A guy like that you want to get him into custody as quickly as possible." "Now for the maniac farm" "I think there's no question we got to go with Utah." "Utah, easy to fence... easy to fence, right next to Wyoming and Colorado and Colorado is right next Kansas and that means all four groups of our most amusing citizens are now in one place except for the big fences" "and I think I have another one of my really good ideas for cable TV." "Gates." "Small sliding gates in the fences." "Think of what you got here." "Think of what you've got." "Predators, degenerates, crack heads and fruitcakes." "Nine hundred miles of fence separating them." "Every fifty miles you put a small sliding gate but the gates are only ten inches wide and there only open once a month for seven seconds." "And you know something fuck cable this shit has got to be on pay-per-view." "Because if those gates are only open seven seconds a month you are going to have some mighty interesting people pushing and shoving to be first on line." "Deeply disturbed, armed, cranky lunatics on drugs." "You know the ones." "A lot of tattoos, lot of teeth broken off at the gum line, the true face of America and every time you open the gates a few of the more aggressive ones are going to get through." "The crème da la crème." "The alphas." "They're going to get through." "Their going to find each other and their going to cross breed and pretty soon you have a melting pot." "Child killers, corpse fuckers, drug zombies and full-blown wackoloons wondering the landscape in search of truth and fun." "Just like now." "Everyone will have guns." "Everyone will have drugs and no one will be in charge." "Just like now." "But at least we'll have a balanced budget." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "I appreciate it." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey time for a few fart jokes." "Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?" "Question" "Did you ever have to fart on a bus or an airplane or in some public place but you hadn't been farting all that day so you didn't really know the nature of the beast." "You only knew there was lots of it." "In a situation like that what you have to do is to release a test fart." "You have to arrange to release quietly and in a carefully controlled manner about ten to fifteen percent of the total fart in order to determine if those around you can handle it." "Or... or if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency." "When releasing a test fart it is often good to engage in an act of subterfuge, such as reaching for a magazine." "Say, is that Golf Digest?" "That doesn't smell too horrifying." "In fact in an odd way it's rather pleasant." "I think they ought to enjoy the rest of this baby." "And it turns out to be one of those farts that would strip the varnish off a footlocker." "A fart that could end a marriage." "And everyone around you heads for the exits." "Even the people on the airplane." "As you realize it is time to review your fiber intake." "It might not be necessary after all each morning to eat an entire wicker swing set." "I have no ending for this so I take a small bow." "Thank you." "I appreciate that." "Thank you." "Okay." "And this next thing this next thing is about the English language." "It's about little expressions we use." "We all say them." "The little sayings and expressions that we use all the time most of us and we never really seem to examine these expressions very carefully at all we just sort of say these things as if they really made sense." "Like "Legally drunk."" "Well if it's legal what's the fucking problem?" "Hey, leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk." ""You know where can stick it."" "Well why do we always assume everyone knows where they can stick it?" "Suppose you don't know." "Suppose you're a new guy." "You have absolutely no idea where to stick it." "I think there ought to be a government booklet entitled," ""Where to Stick It."" "Now that I think of it I believe there is a government booklet like that." "They send it to you on April 15th." ""Undisputed Heavy Weight Champion."" "Well if it's undisputed what's all the fighting about?" ""It's the quiet ones you got to watch."" "You know that one huh?" "Every time you see a story about a serial killer on TV what do they do?" "They bring on the neighbor and then the neighbor says," "Well he was always very quiet." "And someone in the room says," "It's the quiet ones you got to watch." "This sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption." "I will bet you anything that while you're watching the quiet one a noisy one will fucking kill you." "Suppose you're in a bar and one guy sitting over on the side reading a book not bothering anybody, another guy standing up at the front with a machete banging on the bar saying," "I'll kill the next motherfucker who comes in here." "Who you going to watch?" "You're God damn right." ""Lock them up and throw away the key."" "This is really stupid." "Where you going to throw the key?" "Right out in front of the jail?" "His friends will find it." "How far can you throw a key?" "Fifty, sixty feet the most." "Even if you lay it flat on its side like that and you scale it what do you get an extra ten feet tops." "This is a stupid idea." "Needs to be completely rethought." ""Down the tubes."" "You hear that one alot, people say," "Awe the country is going down the tubes." "What tubes?" "Have you seen any tubes?" "Where are these tubes?" "And where do they go?" "And how come there's more than one tube?" "It would seem to me one country one tube." "What does every state all of a sudden have to have it's own tube now?" "One tube is all you need." "But a tube that big somebody would have seen it by now." "Somebody would have said," "Hey Joey..." "Joey look at the fucking tube." "Big ass fucking tube over here." "You never here that." "You know why?" "No tubes." "We don't have tube one." "We are essentially tubeless." ""Takes the cake."" "You know?" "Say, Boy he really takes the cake." "Where?" "Where do you take a cake to the movies?" "You know where I would take a cake down to the bakery to see the other cakes." "And how come he takes the cake?" "How come he don't take the pie?" "The pie is easier to carry than the cake." ""Easy as pie."" "Hey wait, cake is not too hard to carry either." ""Piece of cake."" ""The greatest thing since sliced bread."" "So this is it huh folks?" "A couple hundred thousand years." "The fucking pyramids for Christ sakes." "Panama Canal." "The Great Wall of China." "Even a lava lamp to me is greater than sliced bread." "What's so great about sliced bread?" "You got a knife:" "You got a loaf of bread slice the fucking thing!" "And get on with your life." ""Out walking the streets."" "You know guy gets a parole." "They say, Now instead of being in prison this guy is out walking the streets." "How do we know?" "Maybe the guy's home banging the babysitter." "Not everybody that gets a parole is out walking the fucking streets." "A lot of times they steal a car you know?" "So we ought to be glad." "Thank God he stole a car." "At least he's not out walking the streets." ""Fine and dandy."" "That's an old fashioned one that ya hear." "Say to a guy, How are ya?" "Just fine and dandy." "Not me." "I never say that." "You know how come?" "Cause I'm never both of those things at the same time." "Sometimes I'm fine not dandy." "Close to dandy." "Approaching dandy." "In the vicinity of dandy hood not quite fully dandy." "Other times I am indeed highly dandy." "However, not fine." "One time" "One time in 1965" "August for about an hour" "I was both fine and dandy at the same time but nobody asked me how I was." "And I could have told them." "Could have told them." "Could have told them." "I could have said to the person, fine and dandy..." "I consider it a lost opportunity." ""Walking papers."" "You know?" "Guy gets fired." "You say, Gees poor guy." "Well they give him his walking papers today." "Did you ever get any walking papers?" "Seriously?" "Believe me in my life" "I got fired a lot of times." "You can tell." "Never got any walking papers." "Never got a pink slip either." "You know what I would get?" "A guy would come around to my desk and say," "Get the fuck out of here!" "You don't need paper for that." "It's like "The Riot Act."" ""The Riot Act."" "They keep telling you their going to read that to you." "Have you heard this thing at all?" "Especially when you're a kid they threaten you." "You wait till your father comes home." "He's going to read you the riot act." "Tell him I already read it myself and I didn't like it either." "I consider it wordy and poorly thought out." "He wants to read me something how about" "'The Gentleman's Guide to the Golden Age of Blow Jobs.'" ""More than happy."" "I bet you say that sometimes don't you?" "Once in a while you say to somebody," "Oh I'd be more than happy to do that." "How can you be more than happy?" "To me this sounds like a dangerous mental condition." "We had to put Dave in the mental home." "He was more than happy." "One more of these." ""In your own words."" "People say that to you?" "You know when you hear that a lot in a classroom or in a courtroom they'll say to you," "Tell us in your own words." "Do you have your own words?" "Hey I'm using the ones everybody else has been using." "Next time they tell you to say something in your own words say," "Nik flak flarnee kloundo floo." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Now this next piece of material is real simple it's called free-floating hostility." "Twenty-four minor culture items" "I'm bored with tired of and pissed at." "So I hope you're ready for a little random anger." "People" "People" "People who make quote marks in the air with their finger." "Are you tired of these people yet?" "He said he was, "Sober."" "Hey lady," ""Eat me."" "Budda-boom budda-bing." "Next guy says to me budda-boom budda-bing is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts." "Budda-boom mother fucker!" "You want to try budda-bing?" "Bad hair day." "Where did this shit come from?" "What a superficial culture." "Put on a hat and go to work you shallow cunt." "It's a good thing Lewis and Clark never had a bad hair day or Daniel Boone huh?" "Kuster he had a really bad hair day but he had it coming that blond, blue-eyed criminal fuck." "What about these guys that tell you," "I heard that." "I heard that." "Ah you did, did you?" "Well isn't this exciting." "What is this a fucking hearing test?" "Did I wonder into a Beltone commercial here?" "Of course you heard you fucking nimrod" "I'm standing right next to ya." "I'm going to move down here." "I'm going to move a little farther away." "Blow me!" "By any chance did you here that?" "What about these people who tell you their needs aren't being met?" "You run into this stuff?" "This is support group shit." "Twelve steppers." "My needs aren't being met." "Know what I tell them?" "Drop some of your needs." "Life is a zero sum game." "What else is troubling me?" "Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced on the television news as if it's an actual event." "I don't give a shit." "If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday" "I'd have memorized it years ago and I'd send him a card." "Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday." "Love, George." "I don't do that why?" "I don't give a shit." "Fuck Mickey Mouse." "Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick." "Then break it off and beat him with the rest of it." "I hope Mickey dies." "I do, I hope he Goddamn dies." "I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese and dies lonely and forgotten behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom in a poor neighborhood with his hand in Goofy's pants." "Mickey Mouse, no wonder no one in the world takes our country serious." "Do we waste valuable television time informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent!" "Now let me ask you this, the two pandas in the zoo do you care if they fuck?" "I don't." "Why don't they stop telling me on the news the pandas didn't fuck again this year?" "I'm not concerned." "I have no emotional stake in panda fucking all right?" "If they want to they will." "If not they'll watch the Price is Right." "Probably the only reason they're not doing it on time is cause some jack off from the environmental movement has moved into the cage with them." "Could you get a hard on if some guy in a green T-shirt with a stopwatch was taking your girlfriends rectal temperature?" "Leave these creatures alone." "And let me get a sip of water here, hold on." "All right." "And as long as were talking about the news" "I don't want to hear anything more about sperm egg donor surrogate invetro test tube biological adoptive foster parents who want their baby back." "Baby Jane, Baby Ruth, Baby This, Baby That," "Baby It's Cold Outside, I don't give a shit." "Leave me alone and keep it off my TV." "Sick American shit." "I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims." "This is an outmoded idea." "There are no innocent victims." "If you live on this planet you're guilty period." "Fuck you." "End of report next case." "Next fucking case." "Next case." "You're birth certificate is proof of guilt." "And what happened in this country that now suddenly everyone is walking around with their own personal bottle of water?" "When did we get so thirsty in America?" "Is everybody so dehydrated they have to have their own portable supply of fluids with them at all times?" "Get a drink before you leave the house." "Another crime against society, hyphenated names." "Hey lady pick a fucking name would you please?" "Pick a fucking name." "Hi I'm Emily Jericho-Fordescu." "Hi I'm George Jerk-Me-Off-Fuck-You-Too." "You don't acquire personal dignity by adding a name to your name." "Feminists think it's a radical act." "It's not." "Castrating a guy in a parking lot with a Coke bottle is a radical act." "Hyphenating your name is pretentious bullshit." "And what is going on with all these telephone-calling plans?" "MCI, AT T is this shit really necessary?" "When did the phone bill become life's most critical document?" "In a country where you can buy cinnamon dental floss, cheese in a spray can and eatable women's panties are people really breaking their balls to save nine cents on a fucking phone call?" "You know?" "Talking to your mother once a year might not be the most pleasant thing in the world but it should not be seen as a critical spending decision." "Something else I don't understand motivation tapes." "Motivation books." "What happened here?" "Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated?" "It's a fairly simple thing." "Either you want to do something or you don't?" "What's the big mystery?" "Besides if you're motivated enough to go the store to by a motivation book aren't you motivated enough to do that so you don't need the book?" "Put it back." "Tell the clerk, Fuck you." "I'm motivated." "I'm going home." "I'm going home." "And can anyone explain to me the need for one hour photo finishing?" "You just saw the fucking thing." "How can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept like a little while ago?" "Another complaint, too many vehicles." "There are some families in this country own entirely too many vehicles." "You see them on the highway in an RV." "But that's not enough for them." "RV's not enough." "Behind them they're towing a motorboat, go-cart, dune buggy, dirt bike, Jet Ski, snow mobile, parasail, hand glider, wind surfing equipment, a hot air balloon and a small two-man deep-sea diving bell." "Doesn't anyone just take a fucking walk anymore?" "The only thing these people lack is a lunar excursion module." "Too many choices America." "It's not healthy." "Another abomination, white guys over ten years of age who wear their baseball hats backwards." "Listen to me." "White guys let me tell you something." "You're never going to be as cool as black guys." "It's not going to happen." "You're white and you're lame." "It's a fucking law of nature." "Turning your hat around and learning a complicated handshake will not make you cool." "And you black guys since you started the whole thing" "I'm going to let you stay with the hats a little bit longer but I think really once you qualify for social security it's time to spin that motherfucker around to the front of you." "All right?" "Yeah." "Another tip... another tip for the men." "The earring." "The thing with the earrings." "It's over." "It's been over for a long time." "Doesn't mean anything anymore." "It was supposed to piss off the squares." "The squares are wearing them now." "Doesn't mean anything." "It's just fucking jewelry." "Unless you have an earring with a live baby hanging from it it's just jewelry." "And I want you to know" "I'm in favor of self-mutilation and personal disfigurement." "I've always said there's nothing like puncturing and perforating your skin in a dozen or so places in order to demonstrate your high self-esteem." "When I see a young man decorating his scalp with a soldering iron I say," "There's a happy guy." "Thinks highly of himself." "And haven't we gone a little overboard with these colored ribbons for different causes?" "Every cause has it's own colored ribbon now." "Red for AIDS." "Blue for child abuse." "Pink for breast cancer." "Green for the rain forest." "Purple for urban violence." "I got a brown one." "You know what it means?" "Eat shit motherfucker!" "Eat shit motherfucker!" "And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose." "Not a word." "You never hear them say," "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." "According to these guys Jesus is undefeated." "Meanwhile, these assholes are in last place." "Must be another one of those miracles." "And speaking of delusional people what about a guy who hears a voice in his head tells him to kill his entire family so he does it?" "Is this the only thing a voice in the head ever tells these people to do is to kill others?" "Doesn't a voice ever tell a guy?" "Go take a shit on the salad bar at Wendy's." "Doesn't a voice... doesn't a voice tell a guy to take out his dick on the merry-go-round once in a while?" "Well some guys do take out their dicks on the merry-go-round but usually it's their own idea." "Something else I can do without, aftershave and cologne and this disgusting shit that men put on their bodies." "Just what I need in the elevator some guy standing next to me smells like a fucking pine tree." "I say, Go home and wash you smelly prick." "You smell like the urinal in a Portuguese cathouse." "Goddamn guys are stupid." "Guys are really fucking dumb." "They think they're going to get laid with stuff you know?" "Oh yeah they put it on at home." "Oh boy, oh boy I'll get laid tonight." "I'll get laid tonight." "You don't get laid with green shit that comes out of a bottle okay?" "The only smell that's going to help you get laid might be your own natural scent." "You have pheromones it's a secondary sex characteristic." "People in America they're all nervous about sex." "They want to cover it up and disguise it." "Guys in Europe they know how to live." "Guy gets in an elevator over there he smells like a pile of dog shit." "Those people are sophisticated." "Getting pretty tired of these guys walking around in cowboy hats and cowboy boots." "You ever see these jack offs?" "Can't we kill some of these motherfuckers?" "Walking around in a fucking cowboy hat." "Grown men." "It's not even Halloween for Christ sakes." "I say, Hey Tex grow up and get yourself a wardrobe consistent with the century you're living in." "Why do certain men feel the need to dress up as mythic figures?" "You don't see anyone walking around in a pirate costume do you?" "When was the last guy you ran into had on a Viking outfit?" "Make believe cowboys, closest they ever got to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's." "And camcorders." "Here is technology gone bezerk." "Everywhere you go now there's some dick, some yo-yo, some putts with a camcorder and he is going to tape everything." "Doesn't anyone in this country just stop and look at things anymore?" "Sort of take them in." "Maybe even remember them." "Is that such a strange notion?" "Does experience have to be documented and brought home and saved on the shelf?" "And do people really watch this shit?" "Are people's lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already did?" "And these guys are so intense you know?" "It's always guys they won't let women touch the cameras." "It's a highly technical skill." "Look for a hole, push on a button, big skill and there they all think there Federico Fillini you ever see" "Low angles, zooms and pans and it's the same ugly three children in every Goddamn shot." "All the George Lucas magic in Hollywood is not going to change the unfortunate genetic configuration on the faces of these children." "Keep these unfortunate youngsters out of public view." "Now a lot of these hold on a second a lot of these cultural crimes" "I've been complaining about can be blamed on the baby boomers." "Something else I'm a little tired of hearing about, the baby boomers." "Whiney, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy, Give me that it's mine." "Give me that it's mine!" "These people were given everything." "Everything was handed to them and they took it all." "Took it all." "Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll and they stayed loaded for twenty years and had a free ride but now there staring down the barrel of middle age burn out and they don't like it." "They don't like it so they've turned self-righteous and they want to make things hard on younger people." "They tell them to abstain from sex." "Say no to drugs." "As for the rock-n-roll they sold to television commercials a long time ago so they could buy pasta machines and Stairmasters and soybean futures." "Soybean futures." "You know something?" "They're cold, bloodless people." "It's in there slogans." "It's in there rhetoric." "No pain, no gain." "Just do it." "Life is short play hard." "Shit happens deal with it." "Get a life." "These people went from do your own thing to just say no." "They went from love is all you need to whoever winds up with the most toys wins." "And they went from cocaine to Rogaine." "And you know something they're still counting grams only now it's fat grams." "And the worst of it is the rest of us have to watch these commercials on TV for Levi's loose fitting jeans and fat ass Docker pants because these degenerate yuppies boomer cocksuckers couldn't keep they're hands off" "the croissants and the Hagendass and their big fat asses have spread all over and they have to wear fat ass Docker pants." "Fuck these boomers." "Fuck these yuppies and fuck everybody now that I think about of it." "Well sometimes in comedy you have to generalize." "Now there's one thing you might have noticed" "I don't complain about, politicians." "Everybody complains about politicians." "Everybody says they suck." "Well where do people think these politicians come from?" "They don't fall out of the sky." "They don't pass through a membrane from another reality..." "They come from American parents and American families," "American homes, American schools," "American churches, American businesses and American universities and they're elected by American citizens." "This is the best we can do folks." "This is what we have to offer." "It's what our system produces." "Garbage in, garbage out." "If you have selfish ignorant citizens if you have selfish, ignorant citizens your going to get selfish, ignorant leaders and term limits ain't going to do you any good you're just going to wind up with a brand new bunch of" "selfish, ignorant Americans." "So maybe, maybe, maybe it's not the politicians who suck." "Maybe something else sucks around here like the public." "Yeah the public sucks." "There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody." "The public sucks, fuck hope." "Fuck hope." "Because if it's really just the fault of these politicians then where are all the other bright people of conscience?" "Where are all the bright honest intelligent Americans ready to step in and save the nation and lead the way?" "We don't have people like that in this country." "Everybody's at the mall scratching his ass, picking his nose, taking his credit card out of his Fannie pack and buying a pair of sneakers with lights in them." "So I have solved this little political dilemma for myself in a very simple way on Election Day" "I stay home." "I don't vote." "Fuck them." "Fuck them." "I don't vote." "Two reasons... two reasons I don't vote." "First of all, it's meaningless." "This country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago." "The shit they shuffle around every four years" "Doesn't mean a fucking thing." "And secondly I don't vote cause I believe if you vote you have no right to complain." "People like to twist that around" "I know they say... they say," "Well if you don't vote you have no right to complain." "But where's the logic in that." "If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people and they get into office and screw everything up well you are responsible for what they have done." "You caused the problem." "You voted them in." "You have no right to complain." "I on the other hand, who did not vote, who did not vote, who in fact, did not even leave the house on Election Day am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain" "as loud as I want about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with." "So I know that a little later on this year you're going to have another one of those really swell presidential elections that you like so much." "You'll enjoy yourselves." "It will be a lot of fun." "I'm sure as soon as the election is over you're country will improve immediately." "As for me I'll be home on that day doing essentially the same thing as you the only difference is when I get finished masturbating" "I'm going to have a little something to show for it folks." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you everybody." "See ya later"