" I have to see the Mayor." " He's in a council meeting and he can't be disturbed." " I demand that you let me through." " I've ridden all night, 80 miles." "That's the orders." "Get out of my way." "Stop!" "I said STOP!" " I must see the Mayor." " But the Mayor is in council meetings." "Let go of me." "You'll be sorry, I'm a relavtive of the Mayor's." " So am I, so is the whole council." "Where's the council room?" "Cousin Bryo." " Stop making so much noise, they're in a meeting." " What is all this commotion?" "Counsin Gregor, cousin Bryo." " This is my cousin, the Mayor of Trebin." " I'm sorry, this man he tried to..." " Come in here." " Counsin Gregor." " I've been riding all night." "It's a disaster." " Come and sit down." "Fetch brandy and water." "No water...." "Come on, tell what's happened." "Speak up." "Like thunder, he appeared among us." "The postmaster was hanged, and the chief of police was let off with 200 lashes." "I was sentenced to the firing squad." "Lucky for me, the rifles blew up and I escaped." " I need a fresh horse." "I must be off at once." " A fresh horse for our cousin." "Sit down, sit down." " I must go." "Even now, he may be here in your midst." " Who?" " Speak up man, who?" " The Inspector General." "Yes, he has full power from the Emporer himself." "And where ever he finds bribery and coruption, that's where the gallows and firing squads go to work." " More!" " What does he look like, this Inspector General?" "Who knows?" "A man of mystery." "Five days he was in our midst and no one even suspected it." "He went everywhere, saw everything and uncovered such coruption that even I was shocked." " Now don't get excited." " Don't get excited!" "How I envy you, secure in your clean town and fear no one." " The horse is ready, Uncle Byro." "I must be off." " Oh Gregor, where will you go?" "Far away anywhere, Africa, China..." "Good-bye cousin Byro." "Farewell Uncle." "Good-bye cousin." "Do you need any money?" "I have a few crowns." "Thank-you." "City Funds." "Farewell." "I would like to take this opportunity to tend to my resignation." "SIT DOWN!" "What would you do?" "Go back to rolling pills in that stink shop of a chemist?" " I promised my wife......." " I have to talk to my sister....." "STAY WHERE YOU ARE!" "Nothing is to be gained by rushing around blindly." "We must proceed according to system." "You Lazlo, clean up the square." "You Toleki." "Get the children back into school." "Start teaching them something, anything." "You two deliver the mail, all of it, whether you've read it or not." " I never read the mail." " Yes you did, don't you remember?" "Kovak, come back here." "I want all roads policed day and night." "I want a report of everyone who's entered this town in the past 24 hours." "Check the tavern. investigate all strangers." "Bring your reports to me personally, do you understand?" " es, but first I would like to....." " First you will obey orders." "Now get out of here." "Thank-you." "Order double guards at the city gates and patrol all roads to Brodny at once." "AT ONCE!" " Come with me." " What goes with Uncle General?" "I said come with me." " Anything wrong." " Quiet." "Quiet you." "I shall investigate here." "You men go on to the next town." "Countrymen approach." "Step up, step up." "Come close for the greatest experience of your life." "You will tell your children and grandchildren about this." "First you will be entertained by the greatest musicians in the country right from the court of the Emporer." "Yakov's exlixsir, the best that can be had." "Yakov's elixsir is good for what is bad." "Now my good people, step closer so that you may see with your own eyes." "I Yakov Guli, positioned to Princes and crown heads come among you to... exhibit absolutely free of charge the wonder of the world and parellel since the dawn of time." "Are you ready my friends?" "The Egyptian marvel, the treasure of the Pharohs." "Behold!" " tep right up people." "Examine, observe." " You there!" "Who are you?" "Let me see your peddlar card." "Here you go Captain." "Yakov Guli." "An honest professional man from Pribirk." "I have testimonials from the Emporer himself." " Never mind." " What about your friend there?" "Who him?" "Captain, don't run away, come back." "We welcome all investigations." "Look my friends." "It lives, it breathes." "It laughs, it cries, it thinks." "Watch his left ear." "How much is 2 + 2?" "Correct!" "This is not just an old head." "This is Prince Ahmed of ancient Egypt." "Beheaded by the cruel Pharoh, because of his forbidden love for the crown Princess." "And now my friends you ask yourselves, How has this miracle survived for over 2000 years?" "An excellent question." "Only this." "Yakov's Golden Elixsir." "Look how his eyes plead with me to give him a dose of my elixsir." "He really yearns for its richness." "I am a simple man my friends." "I do not make extravagant claims for my medicine." "If a person is already dead, for instance... there is only a slim chance that my medicine will do him any good." "But if only a spark of life remains...." "Yakov's Golden Elixsir will fan it into a roaring fire of health." "How can Yakov cheat those poor people like that?" "Why what's the matter?" "Well this is the furniture polish he sold yesterday?" "Come on, hurry up." "He's almost through." " No, you don't wear this." " Here is the testimonials from my grateful customers." "Even from the great Napoleon himself, written on the battlefield of Austerlitz." "He gives the elixsir full credit for the victory." "For years I've suffered terrible digestive depress."" "However since taking Yakov's mircle elilxsir, I no longer find it necessary to..... continuously hold my hand on my stomach."" "Kindest personal regards:" "Napoleon."" "But why do I tell you these things my friends when there is someone here.... a sufferer on whom I've looked with compassion when he lay on death's door." "Unable to move a muscle." "Paralyzed!" "Friend, are you aware that you are losing your hair?" "Do you need money?" "Have you been on a diet?" "Are you bothered by quiet?" "Quiet....." "QUIET!" "Nice dancer that fellow." "Do you get colds, or prickly heat, a burning brow, blazing feet, a leaping pulse... or Hic-cups?" "Do you get Hic-cup?" "A touch of laryngitis, asthama, or appendincitis, or hic-cups...... or hic......cups." "Or measles, a diagnosis of phycosis..." "Have you ever been short of breath?" "Well, cheer up, cheer up, cheer up." "No matter how bad your condition." "I have news that will tickle your ears." " I was dead." " Dead?" "Well, pretty sick." "Til I saw a famous physician, who hadn't seen a patient in years." "He was near-sighted." "He said, hello young man, you are possibly the plumber." "I'm a patient Dr. Hummer." "Dr. Hummer said, hhhhmmmmmm." "Dr. Hummer said hmmmmm, with a C. Dr. Cinger." "Dr. Cinger said aaaaaahhh." "You have something with your nose and something with your sneezes." "Tell me young man." "You've had some diseases?" "Have I had....." "When I was one I had a....." "When I was two I had a.." "When I was three I had.." "By the time I was four..." "When I was six I had a...." "At seven I developed..." "When I was eight I got a...." "By the time I was nine...." "Doctor, why am I always so tired?" "Doctor Cinger said aaaaaaaaahhhhh." "And gave me the following perscription." "Zalaminhalticnol, twice a day." "Since that day I haven't been sick sir." "And that medicine did the trick sir." "What was it, don't ask me." "I'll tell you." "Yakov's Golden Elixsir." "Come my friends." "Who will be the first to buy Yakov's Elixsir?" "I have 12 pennies." "My husband is sick." "Maybe if he had your medicine, he'd get well." "Go away please." "Will you take one here?" "Sell it to her." "Why, I did very well I sold three." "Ooooohhhh." "Here you go mother." "What ever is wrong with your husband, he is now cured." "All right ladies and gentlemen, here it is." "The most wonderful, the most miraclous all cure." "The Golden Elixsir." " Mother, I'll give you your pennies, give me back the medicine." " No!" " The medicine is no good." " It's for my husband." "He needs it, he's sick." "I know and this will fi nish him off." "Take the pennies and buy milk." "It will be better than the medicine." "Do you remember me?" "I'm the fellow with all the diseases, but there is nothing wrong with me." "The medicine is a fake, I'm a fake, Yakov is a fake." "This is no good." "I tell you mother, we are cheating all the people, don't you see?" "We wash windows with it, furniture polish." "All the people." "Pardon me." "All the people back there." "Yakov!" "Yakov..." "Yakov!" "Georgi..." "Georgi!" "You...." "Look Yakov, a fish." "We can have supper now." "Put it near the flame." " It's mine Yakov." " It's mine now." "Yeah, but I caught it." "I took it." "When you learn a little more about taking and a little less about giving, you can come back." " I'm sorry about that poor old woman." " Being sentimental is not good." "In this life it's dog eat dog." "Bite and scratch." "Grab everything for yourself and hold on like a leech." " You can't even pick a pocket." " Yes I can so do it." "I'm a good thief Yakov." "Even better than you, see?" " That's my watch." " When did you get it?" "In the water." "Please Yakov don't send me off." "I'll do anything you want." "I'll be hard as nails." " I'll steal my own mother's teeth." "I'll believe it when I see it, get out." "Oh all right, I'll go." " Right after supper." " You get out of here." " Why you iliterate numbskull you." " I'm not iliterate!" "You're not huh?" "Read that." " Read it?" " Read it!" " Who can read on am empty stomach?" " Read it and I'll give you supper." "It's say ah, ah." "Oh this is very interesting." "Your handwriting shows defi nite character, it shows... your generous and wouldn't refuse a hungry man..." " Read it!" " It says, dear sir." " It says, "To whom it may concern"." " That's right, I was testing you." "Best personal regards, Napoleon." "Here you are." " Maybe I can't read or write, but I'm not iliterate." " You're nothing just a mill stone, get out of here." " GET OUT!" "Good-bye Yakov." "To Whom It May Concern." "What a silly way to start a letter." "To Whom It May Concern." "What a silly way to start a letter." "The sailor loves the sea when the wind blows fair." "The Arab loves the desert and the sand which is there." "The Farmer." "Sandwiches..." " Go get it." " Oh, just the bottom of the barrel." "What do you want?" "I thought you men wouldn't mind sharing a little of your food with a...." " On your way you tramp." "We hardly got enough for ourselves." " Go on, get on your way." " Well you just gave a little piece to the dog." " The dog does something for his food." "What'd I tell you." "Go on." "Go away." " Oh he's moody." " If I could just have a little piece." "Wait a minute." "Otto, come here." "Roll over." " Can you do that?" "Could I have a little piece?" " Can you do that?" "Roll over?" "Let's see you do that." "Hurry up." "Lie down, lie down." "Wait a minute." "I bet he can run faster than you can." "No thanks Otto." "You won it fair and square." "A bargain is a bargain." "Any good?" "Would you mind if I tasted a few?" "I haven't had anything to eat in a couple of days." "I appreciate this." "Thank-you very much." "Don't put that heavy stuff on top of the crystal." "Where's the wagon?" " Now please go back." " Stop thief!" "Go get him." "Stop that thief." "Is there somebody over there that can stop that thief?" " I caught you, you thief!" "Who me?" "You have the wrong person." "The horse followed me, I'm innocent." "Then you'll hang with a clear conscience." "Take him to jail." "Take him away." "Hold it, hold it." "I'm innocent." "Stop!" "Ask the horse, I'm innocent." "Gentlemen." " To business." "Gizzy or is it Izzy?" " I'm Izzy uncle." " You can always tell by the strawberry mark." " Never mind." "The hospital, have you cleaned it up?" "We cleaned up the floor, put sheets on the bed and got the goats out of surgery." "And I put charts on each of the patients beds, indicating the nature of their illness." "Good, at least now they'll know what they die from." "Kovach..." "Well, I've patrolled all the roads leading to and from Brodny." "So unless the Inspector General decides to disguise himself like a bird and fly into the city, he'll never get past me." " Good." "And the jail?" " I've had new locks fitted to all the cells, burned all the rubbish." " I even have a prisoner." " Good, who is he?" "Oh I don't know , just a tramp." "I apprehended him in the city square." "He was trying to make off with a horse and wagon, the one we were loading with silver." " My silver?" "My valuables?" " Yes, but I got him before he....." " Who is he?" "Where did he come from?" " Oh I don't know he's just...... a common tramp." "Dressed in rags." "You idiot!" "Did you cite him, question him?" "It was so near lunch time and he was just a common tramp." "The Inspector General?" "Well that's ridiculous." "Why not a tramp?" "In Falsburg he appeared as a travelling shoe salesman." "In Clamatti he was disguised as a peddler." "And here, why not a tramp?" "My horse and wagon." "The wagon I loaded with valuables to ship out of town." "Of course, the evidence he needed." "Now he knows." "I would like to take this opportunity to tender my resignation." " To the jail." "Who's there?" " Want some water?" "Water?" " I want some food." " I'm sorry." "The prisoners are fed promptly at 3 o'clock." " I guess I can hold out til then." " Wednesday and Saturday." " But today is Thursday." " What is time?" " Look I haven't eaten in two days." "What kind of jail is this where they won't even give a man a crust of bread." "All I want is a little piece of food there." "This is a nice jail." "Really it is." "We've had some nice hangings here." " What's nice about the hanging?" " Oh, you should see the ceremony." " And the last meal." " The last meal?" " Can you order anything you like?" " Anything!" "The town of Brodny may have its faults, but they certainly do it right when they hang a man." "The Mayor and all the commissionaires come dressed in their finest clothes." "And the town band assemblies at the door of the jail." "Such beautiful music." "And they play the prisoner right up to the gallows." " I'll never forget one hanging we had a few years ago." " What's that?" " What's what?" " What's that music?" "What were you arrested for?" " Nothing, I'm innocent." "It the commissionaires and everybody and they brought the band." "Who are they going to hang?" " There's only one prisoner here." " Well, if he doesn't fi nish his last meal..." "HELP!" "HELP!" "HELP!" "You let me out of the jail, you hear, or I'll go right to the Emporer." "Help!" "What a fine crooked village this much be." "The thieves you must have here." "Let me out!" "Help!" "Help!" " A common tramp eh?" " Why was I put in this jail?" "Help!" " Open the gate." " No trial, no justice." "I will report this to the Emporer." "This is a crooked village, this is." "Don't any of you come near me." "If any of you come near me." "I demand to be released." "If you have been put to any inconvience, I assure you that my colleagues and myself are deeply destressed." "This is just a small community." "Not rich or powerful." "Be it citizens or travellers, be they humbled or clothed to the highest degree of nobility.... be they vagrants or inspector generals appointed by the Emporer... in our village they find courtsey, honor and strict adherence to the principals of justice." "Command us you Excellency and we will obey." "Believe me your Highness, I nderstand and value your desire to remain incognito." "Permit me to compliment you on your amazing disguise." "It's most convincing." "In a corrupt city, with dishonest officials, such a strategy would be most effective." "But here in our fair village of Brodny, we beg you to accept our hospitalilty." "Why don't we discuss the entire situation at dinner." "Go to my house and tell my wife we have an honored guest." "To her to make a feast, a banquet." "Your Excellency, how can we talk in these sordid sourroundings?" "At my home, dinner will be just about ready." "A roast, a turkey, several kinds of game, a rack of lamb and a magnificent pot-roast." "You will probably want a change of clothes." "Quick, some suitable clothing for His Excellency." " Where will I get the clothing?" " Your uniform, take it off." "Now?" "Your Excellency." "Our chief of police regrets his mistake." "He will be delighted for you to wear his uniform until your luggage arrives." "He's tall, I know he is." "Is he going to stay long?" " I hope not." " What's taking you so long, hurry." " But I can't get it, it's too tight." "I wonder if the Inspector General will think it's too tight?" "Tell me did you notice the color of his eyes?" "Are they blue?" "What are you staring at stupid?" "Get busy and set the table." "And you two." "When you serve, see that your hands are clean." "You Bela, you remove the dishes when I ring." "Lateues, you bring on the fresh course and move quickly and see that you don't spill anything on our guests." " Did you hear me?" " What did I say?" "I take a bowl of fruits." " When?" " When you ring the bell." "Lisa you serve the wine and do anything else to make yourself useful." "Come Burbus." "Put on a clean apron." "Did he say anything about Paris?" "Budapest?" "Vienna?" "That dress was too tight." "So tight, it made her eyes pop out." "This is my humble home, Your Excellency." "It isn't large, I've only a small pittance of a salary." "Maria, my jewel." "Maria." "You're Excellency, this is my wife, Maria." "His Excellency, The Inspector General." " Oh Your Excellency, this is such a pleasure." " Let me take you hat and sword." "Your Excellency, this is my wife Catherine." "Laslo..." "We must get rid of him." "I'll give him plenty of brandy, anything to stop the inspection." "You get the glasses." "A toast Your Excellency." "Something to prepare the pallate." " I'll see about the dinner." " Dinner?" "Your Excellency, this way." "A toast to His Excellency." "Love live His Excellency." "Laslo, get the wine, the brandy, quickly." "Quickly." "More brandy Bela." "Now Your Excellency, how charming it is...." "May I present Mrs. Burbus Your Excellency." "She's the wife of our tax collector and chemist." "Here we are." "Your Excellency, a little more wine." "And a toast to His Majesty, The Emporer." "Long live The Emporer." "This is Izzy and his twin brother Gizzy." "They're in charge of our postal department." " The Inspector General Izzy." " I'm not Izzy, he is." " It's very easy to tell by the strawberry mark." " No, no, no, some other time." "One more aperitif just before dinner." " Dinner is served." "One last drink Your Excellency." "Here's to the righteous." "Here's to the evil-doer." "I suppose after Paris and Budapest, your returning here must be very distasteful?" "What do you think of Switzerland?" "I have relatives there." "The Berghoffs." "Did you ever run across them?" "Your uniform is just beautiful One husband has one just like it." "I hope you're not disappointed in the simple fair we serve here." "Ladies and gentlemen!" "I would like to propose a toast." "To the fairest city in all the land." "To the home of courage, integrity and honesty." "To Brodny." "Even if I'd had time to prepare the proper kind of dinner, I don't suppose...." "Your Excellency would have found it comparable to the table they set at The Emporer's Palace." "I do wish my husband had given me a little more time." "Maria!" "His Excellency's glass is empty." "Lisa more wine." "Quickly, quickly." "After you've eaten, perhaps you'll tell me about your life in Vienna?" " I'm so sorry." "I didn't mean to." " That's all right, it was just an accident." "Why you clumsy druge." "Oh it was nothing, just merely an accident." "I always spill wine all over my suit." "She didn't mean it." "It was just an accident." "Water is very good for wool." "Just that she didn't mean it, it was just an accident." "She really didn't...." "Latus, bring on the meat course." "Bela the meat courses." " Bring on the meat courses, quickly." " Pardon me." "Is it true about the women in Paris?" " Is there something wrong Your Excellency?" " Oh try this." "I always carry it with me, it'll cure anything." "Good-morning Your Excellency." "I thought you would like a glass of milk before breakfast." " How did I get here?" " We carried you up after dinner, Your Excellency." "We undressed you and you were in a very playful mood, Your Excellency." "What a naughty Inspector General." " What!" "?" "Maria." "All right, all right." "Good- morning Your Excellency." " May I express the hope that you spent a comfortable night." " What time is it?" "It's just past nine." "But you've ample time for a substantial breakfast," "Our program is 11 a.m., reception at the Town Hall, and an inspection of the Guard of Honor and a town concert." "At 11:30 a parade to the jail and 12:" "15 a public hanging." " Hanging?" " Followed by lunch." " This hanging?" "It isn't anyone I know, is it?" " It's just some rascle the police arrested." " He was impersonating a police office." " Impersonating?" " He made off with a sack of apples from the local fruit merchant." " Hanging is much too good for him." "I realize that His Excellency wants to continue his journey as soon as possible." "Yes, I must go immediately." "No receptions." " Your Excellency I'm broken hearted." " I was looking forward to you inspecting our little village." "It's a wonderful village." "Finest village I've" " Would you be kind enough to say so in your offical report?" " Yes of course, but I must get dressed." "Of course." "Assemble the villagers and band to speed His Excellency on his way." " Where are my clothes?" " Kovach!" "The uniform." " Well it's badly stained, I was having it cleaned." " Well then a fresh uniform for His Excellency." " Where will I get one for His Excellency?" " Yours will do." " This is brand new, this wouldn't fit His Excellency." " Izzy, Gizzy, take care of this." "They are tailors Your Excellency." "They will retify that." "A new uniform for His Excellency in a half an hour." "Even in the short time you've been here, you've captured the hearts of our people." "A pity you have to leave." "I thought I might be coming back again soon." " Don't change your plans on our account." "Quick, His Excellency's horse." "The Inspector General's horse." " I'll send the horse back as soon as possible." " No, no keep it." "Help His Excellency to mount." "Oh Your Excellency, great star of wisdom." "Exhaulted one, do not be angry with your devoted servants." "I've hunted for you everywhere." "Forgive me great master." "Forgive me." "Show mercy on your unworthy servant." " Forgive me you numbskull, or I'll break you in half." " It's all right Yakov." "I am the lowly servant of His Great Lord, The Inspector General." "Due to my negligence, we were separated on the road." " I was just leaving." " I must speak to you first master." "The Emporer has sent you confidential instructions." "A secret message." " But he was just leaving." " The Inspector General will decide that for himself." "What are you doing?" "Yakov, I'll never be able to get out." " Yakov why did you stop me?" "I had a chance to get away and now they may hang me." " Be quiet you idiot." "Why should they hang The Inspector General." "They lay the whole town at your feet." " I've got everything I want." " You've got everything you want?" "What have you got?" "I didn't let anything slip through my fingers." "What have you got?" "See!" "Three spoons?" "And these fat thieves are loaded with gold." "But you don't understand." "We can sell the spoons, buy a new wagon and leave this town." "Go on run away." "I was right in the first place." "You haven't got an honest bone in your body." "Wait a minute Yakov." "A few days ago you kicked me out because you said I wasn't a good thief." "I kicked you out?" "I do everything for you and this is the thanks I get?" "For once in your miserable life you have a chance to do something really good." "What happens?" "You want to run like a rabbit." "Never a thought to the people in the village." "Nothing but selfishness." "I crawled through every corner of this village." "Georgi, what misery exists here." "The Mayor has taxed the very life out of this town." "And not content with that, they steal." "35,000 crowns they collected from the little children and their parents to buy a pipe organ from the church." "And they trump up a cock and bull story that the organ was destroyed and that they sold it in another town." "By tonight we can make them pay 35,000 crowns for protection." "Then I buy back the organ, you present it to the town and we expose these rascals." " May I become a wandering gypsy if I'm not telling the truth." " But you are a wandering gypsy." "That proves I'm telling the truth." "Now to work Georgi." "The most important thing that you make them understand is that you know how crooked you are." " They'll shower you with gold." " 35,000 crowsn Yakov, do you think they'll give it to me just like that?" "They will give you more." "It never fails." "They will give you more because you are The Inspector General." " I don't know how to be an Inspector General." " That's very simple, you have to behave like one." " But how?" " Oh how, why what." "Don't bother me with silly technicalities." "You're The Inspector General." "Be big, strong, fair." "Gentlemen, I have good news for you." "The Inspector General has decided to remain indefinitely." "He demands an inspection of the financial affairs of Brodny and he will meet with you at the town hall at 2 o'clock." "Big big, be strong, be firm says Yakov." "But if it doesn't work, whose neck will they jerk?" "Whose block will they knock off." "Not Yakov." "Be an Inspector General." "What does an Inspector General do?" "lnspect Generals?" "An Inspector General generally inspects that is..... they expect them to inspect generally." "If they're expecting a General Inspector." "But an exceptionally generous Inspector General who made an exception and had no inspection would cause suspision and in my condition I couldn't accept." "Thank" "However If people aren't suspecting now accept without detecting an imposter who's not posted as a pedigree inspector." "Could this pabable imposter say a gypsy or acoster could possibly get past them by his posture?" "In two words-unlikely." "So it is not a question to fl ee or not to flee, but to be or not to be." "And if so, how?" "Should I be arrogant?" "Should I be elegant?" "Should I be smart?" "A rolling Russian Czar, or very British impar" "Or like the KGV in Nice who already eats the cheese while he says "No thank-you please"." "Very smart." "I must examine every side of me." "The long, the narrow , the wide of me." "The Dr. Jekyll and Hide of me." "If I value my anatomy, the skinny and the pal of me, how shall I start to play the part?" "Should I be arrogant?" "Up off your knees." "Stop licking my boots." "Elegant?" "Sugar?" "A lump more." "Lemon?" " Cream?" " A dribble." " Tea?" " Never touch it." "Or smart?" "If they don't know what they should know, they don't know what you know." "Arrogant, elegant, smart." "If you say so." "And it's not so!" "So what?" "!" "If you talk to them pa-pa-pa, you only waste your breathe." "Laught at them they're all you probably need." "Talk and you show your ignorance, laugh and you show your teeth." "Gentlemen, if you would just step aside for one moment, I should be very happy to talk to this unfortunate wretch." "The course of action you should act on that'd actually planned is a smasher." "A lot of thought I put in it." "If you casually cover up your mouth with your hand," "You will never put your foot in it." "Really gentlemen, please." "Sneak a sniff in of snuff." "And so have you no more disease." "Just stand around and wait for them to sneeze." "And you'll see which way will blow the breeze." "Pay no attention to what he tells." "Do it my way." "Stooooop!" "Please stop!" "You're confusing me, please stop, please stop." "Please say no more." "You're so pleased with yourselves." "You don't care about me." "This isn't true." "If we didn't care, would we talk this way?" "Things are not as bad as they look." "No sir, they are much worse." "And remember an ear in the eye is worth two in the bush." "Then how do I play my roll." "With you I agree with me, you need no longer linger." "I'll give them the fist." "Give them the wrist." "Give them the finger." "To the Town Hall." "You'll find everything in order, Your Excellency." " Just a moment!" "What was that?" "What was what?" "I thought I saw something." "How do you account for this?" " There were no taxes that day, Your Excellency." " If you put your official signature to the books, Your Excellency." " What is this?" " It's the very best we have Your Excellency." "We're not a very rich community." "I think I'd better not sign this, until I've..." " Until you've examined the books more closely at the house Your Excellency." " Yes and excellent idea." "We shall see, what we shall see." "And all I saw was this gypsy show." "The fat gypsy was selling this stuf and his partner.... had his head on a plate." " Who is that man?" " That His Excellency, The Inspector General." "Military Training Quarters." "Dear Yakov." "I can not stay any longer." "Love Georgi." "This is the kitchen isn't it?" "Well you go right ahead, I'm just inspecting." "Fine, just fine." " Now tell me, is there another way out?" " Out?" "!" " Out out." " Oh you're not leaving Your Excellency." "I can't stay another minute." "There's another town I have to inspect." " People are waiting." "How do I get out." " I can't believe it." " Can't believe what?" "You can't believe I have another town to inspect." " Of course I do Your Highness." "Please don't be angry with me." "I wasn't angry." "You were so kind to me last night." "I thought you would stay." "And it gave me new hope." "Why the whole village is looking to you for help." " Yes, well I thought perhaps on my way back." " Oh Your Excellency such plundering and misery." "It's terrible." "But you should see this other town." "They need me very badly." " People are waiting and receptions." " I see." "I really mustn't disappoint them." "Well, I'd better be going." "I'm sorry you won't be more friendly." " Friendly?" "Why should I be friendly?" "I don't care if I hang for what I say I think." "You're as bad as the rest of them." "Worse, because you have the power to do good and you run away." "I'll stay." "I can get the organ back. lt didn't burn, I know where it is." " Then you do care about the people." " Of course I do." " The whole town will be so happy." "I want you to be happy Lizzy." "I don't count Your Excellency." "I'm just a kitchenmaid and I'll always be one." "But that's no way to look at life." "Things can change over night." "After all I wasn't born an Inspector General." "It just happened." "Come on smile." "Reach for the moon and look for the golden rainbow." "You will find happy times." "You'll hear a tune, that lives in the heart of a bluebird." "And you'll find happy times." "Thought things look very dark, your dream is not in vain." "For when do you fi nd a rainbow?" "Only after rain." "So wish on the moon, and someday, it may be tomorrow.." "You will suddenly hear chimes" "And you'll find your happy, happy times." "Latus, Bela, see to the carriage." "Where is everybody?" "Oh Your Excellency." "Just look what I found in the Brodny library." "It's the new almanac of The Emporer's official staff." " Emporer's official staff?" " Both histories of their families and portraits of their celebrated families." "The portraits are very bad, very bad." "You wouldn't recognize the one of me." "And it's terrible." "I thought women were only vain about their portraits." "Now I've got to see how bad they've made you look." "You know you've never even told me your name." "Doesn't matter." "I'll soon recognize you and find out all about you and your beautiful wife and lovely children." "I have no wife." "None of my familiy had wives." "My father didn't like wives." "I mean my mother didn't like my father's wife." "May I have this book?" "This looks a lot like you, but older of course." "A relative of yours?" " This is my father." "Your father?" " Madame Knabe?" "Married with Peter Knabe, 46 years old and mother of 12 boys." "That was a disguise." "My father was a spy in the war." "He always used to disguise himself as my mother." " I was 19 before I could tell them apart." " Knabe, is that your family name?" " Yes, Farple Knabe." " Farple, what an unusual name." "Sounds like a morning breeze, rustling through the leaves of the willows." "What does it mean?" "Some kind of soup, I think." "Where were you born?" " Well let me have the book and I'll tell you all about it." " Some night when we're alone, perhaps tonight." " I want to hear everything Farple." "You don't know how I yearn to live." "What it means to be married to a man who doesn't understand." "He's a peasant, a course, uncultured, a pig." "I was forced to marry him." "I'm an attractive woman, am I not?" "I'm still in the first bloom of my youth, am I not?" "Could a man wish for a more lovely, intelligent, responsive woman than I am?" " No!" " Oh Farple, you say the most beautiful things." "I really must be going." " You will help me Farple, won't you?" " Promise!" "I promise." "When we get to Paris, I won't be a burden for you." "I swear." " Forgive me." "May I have a word with Your Excellency?" " What do you want?" "I throw myself on your mercy." "Please Your Excellency, for the sake of my family." "What is it?" "What have you done?" " The tax records, it wasn't my idea to falsify them." "It was the Mayor, my own uncle and Toleki." "I admit I take bribes, but what kind of bribes?" "Puppy dogs, just puppy dogs." " I like puppy dogs." "You can have them." "Oh forgive me." "All 60 of them." "And here's a little gift just to show you how much...." " Who is it?" " It is I, Toleki, superintendant of the school." " He mustn't find me here." " Oh he's just a member of the council." "Come in." "Your Excellency, may I have a moment of your time." "I have something that may interest you, look." "I have the best interest without a stain on my heart, or I would never tell you this." " Come to the point Tacky." " Toleki." "Sometimes a man must decide between duty and friends and I feel it is my duty to advise you of the corruption in the city of Brodny." "This isn't much, but if you will just accept it as a loan." "May I see you a moment Your Excellency." "It's Gizzy the postmaster." "Gizzy!" "He may not find me here." "Come in." "I'm a poor man Your Excellency." "Please accept this, this is all I have." "The temptation was too strong." "The others stole more than I did." " Who is that?" " Come with me, you have to hide." "Get in the closet here." " Come in." " Oh Inspector General." "Yes?" "I must speak to you." "My uniform looks very nice on you." " I'm having one made in black, with silver across here." " What is it Kovach?" " I may as well make a clean breast of it." " Won't you sit down?" "You see it wasn't for me." "It was for my wife." "My wife is not a contented woman." "She wants clothing and money and jewels." "I'd give my 6 kids to get rid of my wife." " There's only 1 000 crowns here." " A 1 000 crowns?" " If you just give me a chance to sell the jewels." " Won't you sit down?" "In the bed!" "Come in." " Your Excellency." " I thought I just put you in the closet?" "Come in." " I didn't know you were resting Your Excellency." " I always rest, the doctor said it's good for my liver." " Maybe I'd better come back?" " No, it's all right." "What do you want?" " I just wanted to make a confession." " I'll take it." "Thank-you." "I'm as guilty as the rest of the others." "Oh, I mustn't be found here, where do I hide?" "On the bed!" "No!" "On top of the bed." "Come in." " You don't have to put on any act for me." " Has the message come yet from The Emporer?" "Go downstairs and see if my luggage has arrived." " What's the matter with you?" "What's the weather outside like?" "There's a lot of men hiding in there." "The councilmen came with a lot of bribes." "Bribes?" "Money?" "Where is it?" "Why?" "Come in." "Your Excellency, may I speak with you for a moment?" "Privately." " They all brougth him money." " Gentlemen, I'm going to ask you to leave the room." "Oh Mayor and you too Chief of Police." "His Highness can not tolerate dishonesty." "Then why did he accept the bribes?" " His Excellency has many private charities." "I can assure you that not a penny of that money will ever find its way into the pockets of The Inspector General." "What do you want us to do?" "It's possible that a few contributions from you might...." "How much?" " Shall we say 100,000 crowns?" " 100,000 crowns!" " I'll be a pauper." "Well keep your money." "You can jingle it in your pockets all the way up the steps of the gallows." " He wouldn't do anything like that." " He would, and he has." "But he might be inclined to show lieniency if he can realize the charitable dream of his life." "A much needed addition of the Catherdral he built in Vienna." "A new church organ." "A fire-proof organ." " Fire-proof!" " He knows." "He knows." " We can get rid of him without leaving a trace and none of us will be involved." " Who will do it?" "Vetalo, the woodchopper." "You do as I tell him, he has to." "I can get him tonight, during the reception and confusion and noise." " But if something goes wrong." " Nothing will go wrong." "Are you sure?" "After midnight, as soon as everybody has had plenty to drink, we'll get him into the barn where Vetalo the woodchopper is waiting." "He will dispose of the body." " What are you doing?" " What, you think I want to steal it?" "I want to count it." " I already counted it." "You can't count." " Well, it's very heavy so there must be enough here to buy back the organ." " Right, you give it to me and I'll go get the organ." " Oh no, not without me!" " You can't leave here." "They need you for the reception." " Well then we'll go after the reception." "There's an old Hungarian proverb:" "Trust everybody but keep the organ money in sight." "Come in." " What is that?" " It's just a letter." " What kind of letter?" " Well a love letter I suppose." "No Yakov, it's private." "Yakov you might tear it." "Well?" "Would you read it for me Yakov?" " Oh Georgi, you are such a lucky guy." " What is it?" " That a beautiful girl like that would fall in love with you." " Read it to me Yakov." "My dearest darling Inspector General." "From the moment I fi rst saw you, I knew you were the one." "At night I dream of your manly figure, and your handsome gentle features drive me mad with passionate love." "The sound of your voice thrills me beyond words, and if I can not have you for my very own, I will surely die." "Is there any more?" "Does she say anything else?" " Yes, P.S., please meet me in the barn at midnight." "Please meet me in the barn at midnight..." "Yakov, what does P.S. mean?" " Please Sweetheart." " Please sweetheart meet me in the barn at midnight." " I have the carriage waiting Farple." " The carriage?" "My things are all packed." "I'll meet you at the stable after the dance." "Cousin Byro...." "I have the money." "Has he sent in his report?" "Then I'll deliver them to him tonight." "We can't settle the matter in here." "Where would you suggest?" "Outside, in the barn." "At midnight?" "At midnight!" "He'll be there." "I'll go and get ready." "I'll see you later Farple." "I got your note." "You're wonderful At the barn?" "Thank-you." "Out of my way." "I am Colonel Franz Castine." "Comrade, life-long friend of The Inspector General." "We were friends for many, many years." "Announce me at once young lady." " Yes Colonel." " Oh...young man." " Problem with the eyes are there Colonel?" " Yes, I was snow-blinded in the Alps with the Italian campaign with His Majesty, The Emporer." "The Emporer!" "Long life to The Emporer." "You idiot!" "You blithering idiot!" "Now where are my glasses?" "I am so blind without my glasses." "Now don't step on them." " Oh, I am so sorry." " You stupid fool!" " I'll have to go and get another pair." " No, no now you just stay right there." "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have the honor to announce the unexpected arrival of Colonel Franz Castine of The Emporer's Royal Guard." "Comrade in arms and life-long friend of Your Excellency, The Inspector General." "The Colonel is quite near-sighted and has had the misfortune of breaking his glasses." "Imagine, he broke his glasses." "Oh no Colonel, you're kissing the wrong man." "This is The Inspector General." "Oh yes of course." "How stupid of me." "The Inspector General is really a much shorter man." "Leopold, this is indeed a joy, a joy." "I noticed that you shaved your moustache." " It used to tickle, not me that is." "It's all right, it's makes you look much younger." " Your voice seems to sound more youthful" " I've had laryngitis." "This is the man, who single- handed, routed an entire regiment of the Italians at the battle of Lavengretto." "And then he pushed their own cannon into position and fired at the retreating enemy." "Do you remember that my boy?" "And Austerlitz?" "He just dove into a raging river and rescued 4 wounded soldiers." "And then on the way, he cut down 10 Spaniards with his sabre." "Morale was very low, but with his magnificent courage he plunged into the fray and led his men with a song." "The victory song of the 94th regiment." "Onward, onward never looking back." " How does it go Leopold?" " He doesn't like to be reminded of that tragic day." " But he might be persuaded to sing something a little lighter, gay." " In a little while." " Oh splendid, then I can get my glasses from the inn." " Why don't you sing something now and honor the Colonel?" "Sing something before he gets his glasses." "Could I borrow your drink for this song?" "AND NOW.....and now for my friend and comrade in arms I would like to do a gypsy drinking song." " My wine, he took my wine." " There's plenty more." " Why are you trembling for?" " The wine is deadly poison." "Is it?" "You did it?" "How very thoughtful of you." "Why I misjudged you all these years." "No it was for me." "For you?" "Yes, I couldn't stand it any longer and I even wrote a confession." "Whisky drew the whispering woods on a wild Romany pony... ride the gypsy." "The world thinks him tipsy and careless and free...." "But oh the poor gypsy.... his lot is not, what a heart should be." "night and day and day and night there's a man with a whip.... in his hand, over gypsy he stands and this is what he says...." "Crawl gypsy, sing gypsy, dance gypsy, laugh gypsy..... cry gypsy, live gypsy, die gypsy." "Drink!" "Drink to good-byes and drink to hellos." "Drink you alone with thine eyes and I will drink with my nose." "And so he drinks!" "But first we sing." "How can you sing gypsy song without gypsy chorus?" "Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you a little favor and we have a chorus." "It will sound beautiful, wonderful." "I will give you a little "b"." "All right?" "Very nice, but we get a little sharper, a little more nose." "Very nice, now short huh?" "I like it." "Once more please." "Very pretty." "This group here, I will make for you stock, stock." "Please?" "Everybody understand, stock, stock." "Very nice." "NO I DIDN'T MAKE IT YET!" "Please, I didn't make it yet." "Small stock, stock." "Very nice." "Loud." "I'll be with you in two minutes." "This little group here, I would like you to make me a favor with all your sweet gentle little faces." "Make for me ha, ha, ha." "This way, all right, please everybody." "Wonderful." "Now everybody please once again." "Very pretty." "I love you to pieces." "Please" " Want something to drink, maybe?" " No thank-you Excellency." "And so we drink." "But first we play." "Pardon me, I slipped my bow." "My fingers need a reason." "I like it." "Makes me cry." "Who me?" "And so we drink." "But first we dance." "Pardon me." "And so we drink to eveything we love." "To everyone we admire." "To the girl who sets your heart a glow, and sets your heart on fire." "And so we drink." "I like it." "Will you excuse me ladies, I have something..." " I beg your pardon Your Excellency." " I hope you are enjoying the evening." "Yes, I ah, very much." "Lisa?" "Why you clumsy ox." "What's the matter with you, are you crazy?" "You could have killed me with that." "Why do you have to work so late at night, anyway?" "Whatever you have to chop can wait til morning can't it?" "Now go on to bed." "I have to meet someone here." "Go on." " Aren't you The Inspector General?" " Yeah." "That doesn't mean I can't meet anybody here, does it?" " No?" " You don't believe it do you?" "Read that!" " "Don't go near the barn."" " "They're going to kill you."" " Yeah, and only two hours ago she...." "Would you read that again please." "It says, "Don't go near the barn, they're going to kill you."" "Yakov....." "My best friend." " Where's your master?" " My master?" "How did it?" " You know how." "Now gentlemen, let's get down to business." "For a price, I'll get rid of the evidence." "The money." " I don't think I want any supper." "Oh no." " What are you doing Yakov?" "Where are you going?" " Get away from me." "Georgi, I'm your best friend." " Where are we going?" " To get the organ." "Make way for The Inspector General." "Make way for The Inspector General!" " What did he say?" " It must have been an eccho." "Attention!" "Announcing the Emissary of The Emporer." "General Leopold Nikolai Tarantino, His Excellency, The Inspector General." "He took bribes, he drank all my wine, he yelled out the window , he even made love to my wife." "How could I doubt that he was The Inspector General." "I mean, he gave us no chance to think of deception Your Majesty." " Isn't that right Gizzy?" "Izzy, he's Gizzy." " You can always tell by the strawberry mark on my leg." "Why it's as big as a...." " I'm Gizzy, he's Izzy." " Silence!" "Excuse us Your Excellency." "Well Mayor, I want that tramp." "Send out every man available." "Meanwhile, I will write out an order for his excecution." "He'll hang today Your Excellency, I promise you that." "Test the gallows." " I'm Izzy, then he is...." " SILENCE!" "Citizens, here is the organ." "The one that was stolen." "We gave them money and...." "I'll see you in a minute." "Here, take the organ to the church and I'll be back in a minute." "Come on men, I may need you." "Follow me." "Wait here." "Ten hut!" "Oh, never mind that." "I'm glad I found all of you gentlemen together." "This town is going to be cleaned up from top to bottom." " This is The Inspector General." " Yes, Mr. Mayor, I would like you all to know that the corruption in this city is at an end." "I want a complete and honest report from you and a complete and honest report of your tax records." "And a report from you in the morning." "Who is this man?" "Tell him to get out, this is official business." "Mr. Mayor!" "In the name of The Emporer, I call upon you to produce all the tax records and books of this village immediately." "Permit me to interrupt." "Let me show you this communciation which has just arrived." " Silly girl." "And now to business." " You filthy bag of bones, this is The Inspector General." "How do you do?" "We must have a long talk together sometime." "I want to look at all these books..." "Inspector General?" "Open up the cell." "Hurry man." "Guards." "Take them away." "This is what I. Two hangings at once." "You'll regret this you fat-faced villiage idiot!" "Take your hands off me you misbegotten peasants." "The Emporer will tear this stinking village down over your ears." "Heads will roll here like marbles, and yours first." "And this flea-ridden sack of nothing, you call Inspector General." "This isn't The Inspector General, don't make me laugh." "The Great Emporer wouldn't appoint such a thing like this, to a position so important." "This is your Inspector General here!" "His courage, his manner, his bearing." "Gentlemen take your choice." " I don't know what to think." "You don't have to think." "If this man is The Inspector General, then were are his credentials?" " Where are yours?" "Come on show them, they have a right to see." " Come on and show them." "Produce them." "Here they are, see?" "Your Excellency." "I would like to take this opportunity to tender my resignation." "I'm so sorry Your Excellency." "It was our mistake." "The imposter will hang!" " This is preposterious!" " If Your Excellency will be so good to write out the death warrant." " Arrest that man." " I'm warning you, I'm warning all of you." "This will be reported to The Emporer." "Lock him up!" " I can't do it." " Why not?" "For one thing, I can't write." "I can't read either." "And even if I could write, I wouldn't sign his death warrant." " I'm not The Inspector General." " He's just soft-hearted, here I'll sign it." "You can't it's all over." "I couldn't sign this." "That man is completely innocent." "I only did it to get the money to buy the organ back." "Lock them up, put them in chains, send them to the gallows." "Oh Your Excellency, I'm so sorry." "Why this has never happened in Brodny before." "I can assure you that they will go to the gallows, Your Excellency." "The gallows will wait its turn, but not now." " But Your Excellency...." "This man will not hang." "This is the first honest man I've met, since I left Budapest." " My chain of office Your Excellency." " We'll put something else around your neck." " Thank-you Your Excellency." " With band music?" "What did you say?" "With band music?" "With band music." "I couldn't take this Your Excellency." "I can't even read or write." " I have no education." " What you have is much better." "My medal and my sash." "Citizens of Brodny." "I have the honor to present to you, your new Mayor!"