"♪ Just pick your suitcase up and put your T-shirt on" "♪ We got a train to catch" "♪ Come on, don't be long" "♪ Sun's up, so head down" "♪ I'll meet you at the harbour on the Margate town" "♪ Happy hour starts at seven" "♪ Loving life at the Edge of Heaven" "♪ Happy hour starts at seven" "♪ Loving living at the Edge of Heaven" "♪ Doo-be-doo Doo-be-doop doop doop" "♪ Doo-be-doo Doo-be-doop doop doop" "♪ Doo-be-doo Doo-be-doop doop doop doop" "♪ Doo-be-doo Doo-be-doop doop doop doop... ♪" "(GULLS CRY)" "Have a frothy coffee, poppet." "Calm your nerves." "I'm not nervous, Mum." "Why should I be?" "I'm only going on my stag do." "I know!" "But it's like a train, isn't it, Alf?" "First stop Stag Do, second stop Wedding, third stop Committed for Life." "And in about two hours you'll be on that locomotive." "Toot-toot!" "OK, maybe I am a little bit nervous." "But that is just between us." "Agreed?" "ALL:" "Agreed." "Mph!" "Mum, what did you put in this?" "Only a bit of Taboo." "Take the edge off, you know." "And a smidge of Tia Maria." "And some Bailey's." "Lovely." "Thank you." "I think Mum's got the right idea, personally." "Start as you mean to go on, I say." "I'm getting your lovely bride-to-be majorly rat-arsed." "Cos let's face it, it's all downhill for the pair of you from here, soldier." "Ann-Marie!" "Don't listen to your sister." "Marriage is a wonderful thing... ..when you find the right person." "That is true, Tan." "Pity it only took her three times to find that out." "Gary!" "Well, I think it's mega, Alf." "It's like my Nana Bevander says." "As long as you've sown your seed in enough fertile fields, then it's time to tie your pig to the post." "Hm." "Cheers, Uncle Gary." "I think I can safely say I am ready to... ..tie my pig to the post." "Not that Carly is a pig, obviously." "Right!" "Well, on that romantic note, we'd better be going, or we'll never be ready for tonight." "Good idea." "Pass Gary his coat, Tan." "I'm putting the tongs on your mam's hair for the hen party." "I'll go with Beyonce, you know." "Ooh, nice, Gary." "Of course!" "There's such an overwhelming resemblance!" "Manners." "Rude." "right, we'd better get ready too, Ann-Marie." "I am ready, Mother." "If you say so." "It's all right, isn't it?" "Cheeky bastards!" "(CHANTING) Alfie!" "Alfie!" "Alfie!" "Alfie!" "(CHEERING)" "Hey, where's his surprise, Donk?" "On it." "What surprise?" "You'll see." "Oh my God - a stripper!" "No, no." "No." "It's a cock sock." "I'm so sorry, love." "I just " "In your dreams." "(LAUGHTER)" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "ALL:" "Speech!" "Speech!" "I just wanted to say - did Big Mac just take my beer?" "Ha ha!" "I just wanted to say," "I cannot wait to marry Carly." "Carly is like... ..the Marge to my Homer..." "That's real." "..the Buzz Lightyear to my Woody..." "I love Carly... ..and she loves me." "And I love all of yous too." "In fact, you are all my best men." "(ALL CHEER)" "Wait, isn't it me or Donkey?" "No, Span, I don't mean literally." "Just, just... just raise your glasses... ..to Carly." "ALL:" "To Carly!" "(GULPS)" "Man down, man down." "Up you come!" "I'm OK." "The Alfster lives to see another day!" "My nipple's buzzing, mind you." "That's your phone, you daft sod." "(LAUGHTER)" "Yo yo, sweet potato!" "What's up?" "I'll tell you." "I am beyond excited." "You big softy." "D'you think I'm mad?" "No." "I think it's lovely." "Do I get to speak to my wife-to-be?" "Not yet." "Carly's disappeared." "She's not in there with you lot, is she?" "'I have banned her from the bar!" "'" "That goes double for Mum." "Lucky you." "(RAUCOUS CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)" "Sounds like the Junemeister's on top form." "Oh, she is." "D'you want to meet out back for a smoke, calm your nerves?" "No, I'm being good." "It's like Charades." "Dick..." "(BIFF)" "Get it?" "Dick..." "(BIFF)" "Turpin?" "DickHEAD, Mum!" "Aha!" "Oh, maybe just the one, then." "Hey!" "Cool." "Outside." "You having a nice night?" "Yeah." "I just fell over." "(CLATTERING) Freaky." "Your mum just did that." "Is she all right?" "She hasn't split her drink." "Ah, she's fine then." "Second thoughts" " I'm not really in the mood for a smoke." "Eee!" "Oi!" "That's my beer!" "And my bird." "Oh!" "(DULL THUD)" "Let me see..." "I'll have the Muesli Selection, please." "No can do, soldier." "We're on a skeleton service." "Family wedding." "(CLICKS TONGUE) The usual service is interrupted." "Family wedding?" "Lovely." "Well, in that case, I'll just have a yoghurt and some fruit." "Skeleton service." "Perhaps a bit of toast?" "So exactly what is available?" "One Black Pudding Breakfast, Tan." "On it." "You told Mr Hargreaves we were on a skeleton service." "Loud and clear, Mother." "♪ Here comes the groom!" "Na-na-na-na!" "♪" "Hey!" "Who's getting married in the morning?" "Afternoon." "Who's getting married in the afternoon?" "Enough already!" "Sorry, I'm just a bit rough this morning." "Like mother like son, eh?" "What's wrong, poppet?" "Nothing." "It's just wedding nerves, innit?" "All right, I'm going out." "(SLAM) Oh, mind my foot!" "You mind the door." "Sorry." "She doesn't know her own strength." "I think it's the steroid cream she's using." "Morning, everyone." "Morning." "Please don't slam that - (SLAM)" "Carly, we need to talk." "Now." "Five across, useless object." "Bloke." "Ha ha ha!" "Me and your mum are going down Fishy Fingers for a frothy coffee." "I'd love to, but Tan's taking me to Carly's mum's boutique." "Oh!" "Am I?" "How generous of me." "When did I offer to do that?" "To pick up my wedding outfit." "I'd go myself, but Monique makes me ever so nervous, with her posh vowels and tiny waist." "I just end up babbling." "I thought you'd already bought two dresses." "No." "Course I haven't." "Liar." "The crossword. 4 down - untruthful." "Three dresses for one wedding, Judy?" "Have you got a costume change at half time?" "This dress is different, Tan." "Monique says it can double up as a tango outfit, for my classes." "It's got tassels." "You still can't dance." "I don't know why you bother." "I told you before," "I'm about to become an Empty Nester, Ann-Marie." "Alfie, my baby boy, is leaving." "I've got to fill that gaping void somehow." "What'll I have left when he's gone?" "Uh, me." "And me." "I'm not dead yet neither." "Oh, now you're just splitting hairs." "Right." "I want answers." "I want 'em now." "No one plays the Alfster for a fool." "I'm not leaving till it's sorted." "If you hadn't noticed, we're getting married in the morning." "BOTH:" "Afternoon." "Afternoon!" "(MOUTHS)" "Well, we don't have to." "What?" "When I said I wanted answers, I didn't mean those kind of answers." "I, I know it didn't mean nothing." "You were drunk." "Things got out of hand." "No wonder you ended up...snogging..." "(SLAM)" "You're still damp, Val." "Sorry, sweet." "(Alfie!" ")" "Look, all I'm saying is, nothing's set in stone." "We don't HAVE to get married." "Do we?" "We..." "We've got our whole life planned, Carl." "I know." "Our new build corner plot..." "We haven't bought it yet." "No, but we've bought the coasters and cushions." "Now, look, let's just forget last night ever happened, and... ..look forward to the wedding." "Alfie." "I'm gutted about what I did, but I can't help wondering why I did it." "I know why." "It's called ros-ay." "(SIGHS)" "Do you love me, Carl?" "Of course I love you." "You're amazing." "I just... ..don't want to get married if there's something missing." "Well, I'll find it!" "Whatever it is." "Things aren't that easy." "I'll make 'em easy." "I'll do anything." "Please, just say you'll marry me tomorrow." "Please." "I will." "Come here." "Ooh - watch my nose." "Sorry!" "So!" "What do you think?" "Very YOU." "Very bright." "What's he like, Monique?" "No style whichsoever." "So, Mon, is it as nice as yours?" "Uh..." "Oh no, it can't be, can it?" "Cos you're the mother of the bride." "Although the groom's mum's got to look good too, mind you." "You're babbling." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Now, Mon, I know the main event is tomorrow, but have you anything for Tandeep to wear to my tango class on Friday?" "I'm sure I can find something." "Lovely, ain't she?" "Once you get past the frostiness." "And them lips." "Never mind that - what's this about a tango outfit?" "It's Partners Night." "You said you'd come." "We have these fictional conversations!" "Oh, that's nice!" "I find us a hobby to take away the post-wedding blues, and you don't want to come!" "You know what'll happen next, don't you?" "We'll stop talking." "Then the argy-bargy in the bedroom'll go." "And then what'll we be left with?" "Countryfile!" "Keep your voice down." "Oh!" "You know what?" "Countryfile's an underrated programme." "Really?" "Fine!" "I'll dance with Dino with the gammy eye instead, then." "All ready for the big day, then?" "'I bloody hope so.'" "Gary done the vol-au-vents?" "Just a few." "'You've got a good man there.'" "More than can be said for some." "Gary!" "I'm on the phone, Gary." "We on rations or what?" "How's Mum?" "Hm." "Playing on her Xbox in her room." "'(RAPID GUNFIRE)' '(MAN SCREAMS)'" "She's settled in a treat with you boys, hasn't she?" "Mm..." "I'd have had her here, but you know what it's like." "Of course." "You've only got 12 bedrooms and we've got two." "Why keep one spare?" "True." "Gary!" "Royal summons." "Got to go." "For heaven's sake, what?" "I had to hang up on Judy cos of you!" "I'm gagging for it." "Fine." "Got drinks in?" "Check." "Blue Nun?" "I can't drink Savigg-non blanc." "It's not sweet enough." "It's Sauvign..." "Oh, never mind." "Snacks." "Cheesy Wheat Balls." "I take it they'd run out of Kettle Chips." "They don't taste of anything, Gary." "You could have at least put them in a bowl." "Just put the bloody programme on." "With pleasure." "True Blood, season five, episode six." "Sky Plussed and ready to roll." "All right, lads?" "Mother!" "You can't just barge in!" "I told you put a lock on that door." "I'm having a crisis." "My only grandson's getting married tomorrow." "I've been down for a present." "A guide book?" "It's where they're going on their honeymoon." "I've put a few bob inside the cover." "10 euros?" "Oh, you have splashed out." "What is it?" "Our favourite show, and you're ruining it." "What's it about, then?" "Horny vampires." "Actually, it's a rather brilliant metaphor for the continuing fight of ethnic and sexual minorities to be accepted in society." "Everyone gets naked." "It's mega." "There you go." "Turn it up, then." "Ooh, Cheesy Wheat Balls." "My favourite." "♪ I'm getting that feeling" "♪ My heart starts pumping and my knees start shaking" "♪ My pulse is racing I find it hard to breathe" "♪ Don't keep me waiting" "♪ The boys talk but it needs translating" "♪ Don't just a book by its sleeve" "♪ Cos I know what I want I want to understand" "♪ What he sees in me" "♪ I want that boy to hold my hand ♪" "Cannot believe it." "Best man." "I know." "It's mental, innit?" "She's not even a bloke." "♪ ORGAN:" "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" "What's he doing here?" "He's booked in, half-board." "So?" "I'm not cooking for him tonight, am I?" "I said if he came along he could have some of the hog roast later." "Good idea." "All right, cool it, soldier." "You're getting hitched, not hanged." "I can't help it." "Everyone's watching me." "I feel like Prince William." "There's a fair few queens in the audience." "Can you believe it's actually happening?" "I've waited for this day so long." "Alfie, what are you doing?" "Oh, sorry." "(CRACK) (ALL WINCE)" "Cheers, mate." "I owe you one." "Come here." "You know, I feel like the luckiest bloke in the world." "to have bagged a girl as classy as Carly." "(DOOR BURSTS OPEN)" "♪ LADY GAGA:" "Bad Romance" "Oh my God." "Katie Price must have had a boot sale." "She's perfect-a-mondo!" "This is it, then." "OK." "Game on." "It's not The Cube, you nutter." "You all right, babe?" "I..." "..I can't do it." "You what?" "I can't go through with it." "Carly?" "What's going on?" "It's Big Mac, innit?" "What, is she hungry?" "Don't think she's had lunch." "I only had muesli." "I got a banana." "It's not you, Alf." "I swear." "I just... ..I don't want to marry you!" "(GASPS)" "♪ And my heart starts breaking" "♪ I'm palpitating I can't take any more ♪" "(DOOR SHUTS)" "Oh!" "Excuse me." "I was just wondering about the hog roast." "It's a skeleton service this week." "Yes, I know." "So will there be..." "any dinner?" "Or..." "I couldn't say, my love." "Do you want a chocolate finger?" "Enjoy." "Um..." "(SOBBING) Any improvement?" "Not a lot." "Yeah, I'll hold." "It'll be all right, Mum, I promise." "Chin up, yeah?" "How can you say that?" "It's such a mess!" "400 vol-au-vents in the kitchen, and they only keep for 24 hours!" "Twelve." "Bloody Monique." "No wonder she didn't give me credit for the dress." "I don't understand." "Weren't they supposed to be made for each other, like Wills and Kate?" "Mm." "Brad and Angelina?" "Fred and Rosemary." "They run the Margate Shell." "They've been together for years." "Oh, what happened, treasure?" "We love her so much!" "Yeah, I'm after Big Lisa." "We booked a limo with her." "Well, we don't need it any more, and the driver's just sat outside and won't budge." "You been getting on OK lately?" "Yeah, I suppose." "What do you mean, can't we go for a spin in it?" "I've just been stood up at the altar." "I don't want to." "He SUPPOSES they've been getting on?" "What's that mean?" "They've not been getting on." "Is that true, Alf?" "Is it a sex thing?" "It's a sex thing, isn't it?" "No, it's not a sex thing!" "Sorry, not you." "Look, can you get Big Lisa on the line, or what?" "Oh, just - same to you, mate." "Sex is nothing to be ashamed of." "Your dad Snowy was a dead loss." "I didn't know what real physical love was till I met Tandeep." "Oh, come on, Mum." "I'm only saying." "Maybe they need a visit to Jan Summers." "Get a rabbit or something." "What's he want a rabbit for?" "Gary bought me edible undies from there, didn't you, Gar?" "I never got 'em, though." "Don't start!" "I hadn't had any lunch that day, and the train broke down, and the buffet car only had nuts." "I'm allergic to nuts." "What kind of a rabbit?" "Them big ones bite." "I know." "How about them furry handcuffs, Alf?" "Something a bit naughty?" "Carly cheated on me!" "All right?" "On her hen night." "I caught her." "So we don't need handcuffs or rabbits." "(SYMPATHETIC GROANS) Save it." "I'm going down the pub." "D'you want a lift, son?" "I got it covered." "♪ JOHN NEWMAN:" "Can You Love Me Again" "I'm in pieces, I am." "I haven't felt such shock since I found out my father might be Tom Jones." "Come again?" "The butcher, in Tred-y-gwaer." "Oh." "It wasn't him, though, thankfully." "It was Aled Jones." "The lollipop man." "Thanks for the potted history, Gary." "Now can we please..." "Sorry, Gar." "I just can't stop thinking about what's happened." "Which is why we're trying to take our minds off it." "It was your idea." "It's been your turn for ten minutes." "OK, OK." "Hm." "L, L, W, Y, T, H." "Oh no you don't." "Not again." ""LLWITH" is not a word." "It's "Chloith"." "And it's a word in Wales." "We're not in Wales." "We're in bloody Margate." "Don't be such a bad loser." "I'm not being a bad loser." "I'm simply playing by the rules." "If you think that makes me sound like a " "Twat." "Mother!" "T, W, A, T." "You're in third place now." "Right - that's it." "You enjoy your little game yourselves." "I need some fresh air." "BOTH:" "Ooo." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "I'm bored now anyway." "I much prefer Buckaroo." "And me, sausage." "I'll tell you what we COULD do." "Mm?" "Watch your favourite programme." "Project Runway!" "No, the other one." "Oh!" "I thought it was fate, you know?" "Like, in my gut, I just knew" "I'd marry the girl sat next to me in Geography." "Didn't Michelle sit next to you?" "Other side." "Look, what you want to do is get back on the horse, mate." "He hasn't got a horse." "Metaphor." "Is that the name of the horse?" "Donk, you don't get it." "I was never... ..on the horse, to get off it, to get back on again." "You what?" "Carly is the only girl I've ever..." "been with." "There is no one else." "There you go." "Thanks." "I'm just, like, gutted, Chelle." "Of course you are." "Most people would kill for what you had." "I know I would." "Exactly." "Two whole weeks in Ibiza at the Blancomar Beach Hotel." "You what?" "On honeymoon." "Gary and Gary were paying." "We can't even cancel." "I don't get it." "Who cares about the hotel?" "Ah, you would, if you went." "It's the only place in the island with a Jacauna - a Jacuzzi-sauna." "And they do phone parties every single night." "But what about Alfie?" "I don't think he was that bothered." "He's got a skin allergy, so he'd have to sit out anyway." "The thing is, I don't do single." "I haven't ever done single." "I'm like those birds that go around in pairs." "Lesbians?" "Swans." "It's over." "I literally haven't got a clue what to do with the rest of my life." "Rubbish." "It's true!" "In my head," "I was sorted, you know?" "I had a plan." "And now... ..I'm screwed." "And if I was wrong about Carly, maybe I'm wrong about other stuff." "Like what?" "I don't know." "I always thought" "I'd go on Britain's Got Talent." "That could happen." "And get ripped washboard abs." "That could still happen." "With a bit of work, obviously." "And I'd play for England one day." "I wouldn't put money on that." "See?" "Everything is just falling apart." "I don't understand!" "What's that blockhead Big Mac got that I haven't?" "Massive." "Huge." "It literally took my breath away when I saw it, Michelle." "It does sound like a big hotel." "Oh, but Carly - Three pools, four dance floors, a shots bar on every terrace." "Enough, Carly." "Please tell me you are upset about not getting married to Alfie today." "Oh my God, Chelle, of course!" "I'm in pieces!" "Ovs!" "For someone in pieces, you seem pretty together to me." "I bury my feelings, actually." "You know what I'm like." "That magazine questionnaire we did said I'm exactly like Kerry Katona, and that girl is as deep as an ocean." "I just wanted to make sure you knew what you'd done, that's all." "Cos you broke his heart today, in front of everybody." "It's not like I meant to." "I didn't even know I was feeling like this." "You should have, cos you hurt a really lovely, kind, amazing bloke." "Sounds like someone's not over him." "Uh, are you serious?" "We had one date, when I was twelve." "All right, I know." "Do you really think he's gutted?" "He's not GUTTED, he's devastated." "He's just too nice a bloke to show it." "You bastard!" "You should have seen me, Tan." "I was like Sugar Ray." "More like Sugar Lump, I heard." "He slaughtered you, the animal." "No he didn't." "OK, maybe a bit." "Fred and Rosemary sacked him." "That's one good thing." "What, for hitting you?" "No, for robbing from the till." "When he hit me, a bunch of fivers fell out of his pocket." "Shouldn't you be on your way to tango class, love?" "I can't go dancing!" "My son's been dumped by the town harlot and now he's laid up, half dead after being beaten to a pulp by her new lover!" "He's not her new lover." "How d'you know?" "You've not even spoken to her since the wedding." "And you're surprised because?" "She chucked me at the altar, Mum." "Well, I think you could patch things up, Alfie." "You never know unless you try." "What's a snog between friends?" "Are you off your head, woman?" "You let him speak to me like that?" "He's got a point, Jude." "I'm just trying to put a cork in the hole before the ship goes down." "It's exactly like - No no no no." "EXACTLY like - Don't do it, Mum." "Like Wham!" "They shouldn't have broken up when they did." "It's true!" "They could have got ten more years out of that partnership." "There'd have been no argy-bargy in the bathroom with George." "You don't get it." "I don't want another ten years." "If me and Carly are going to be together, it has to be for ever." "Do you want me to call her?" "No!" "Look, Jude, please don't meddle, love." "Go to tango and have a nice time." "You don't want to waste that outfit." "And if you don't go today, you won't be ready for the dance on Friday." "I suppose." "Although Friday's already ruined as someone that promised to come won't." "Not again, please." "You said you'd dance with Dino with the gammy eye." "Well, fine!" "I remember a time when you'd have killed to boogie with this." "It's your loss." "Loser." "Oh, excuse me - Beg pardon, Mr H." "I'm on a very important call." "Hello?" "Yes, I'd like to make an appointment, please..." "All right, soldier?" "You really should go to that thing on Friday with Mum." "In fact, you should go to all the classes with her." "Trust me." "I'm a soldier of love now, Tan." "I've been wounded in battle." "I don't follow, son." "You've got to be there for your woman, or you'll lose her. "Loser."" "Today it's Tino with the gammy eye - tomorrow it could be Big Mac the barman." "And trust me - you don't want that." "It hurts." "Oh, God, I really miss Carly." "Oh, come on now, Alf." "Don't cry." "It'll make your eye " "Oww!" "Yeah, that." "That's gorgeous." "Really great." "Right." "Blow dry, is it?" "(THUNK)" "Look, baby girl, I'm not here to have a go." "Besides, I haven't got long." "I'm en route to my tango class." "If I'm late Dino will go bananas." "I just came to see if there's anything, and I mean anything," "I could do to get you and Alf back together." "That's mine, Alfie's, Spanner's and Donkey's." "And our two make a full house." "Sorry about the beer on Alfie's." "Things got messy with that Big Mac." "Don't fret." "I'm sure it'll come out with a bit of elbow grease." "Or cockle juice." "My Auntie Jackie swears by it." "And what she don't use, she drinks." "You haven't lived till you've tasted her cockle juice creme de menthe." "Right." "I'd better be off." "Gary - you know your sister?" "Come again?" "Do you think Jude would ever have her head turned, like Carly did?" "For goodness' sake, don't be so ridiculous." "Judith's got everything she wants in you." "You're young, good-looking, you're easily manipulated..." "I meant that in a metaphorical sense." "Thanks, Gary." "I'm just being daft." "I'd watch her with anyone who can move, however." "She's a sucker for snake hips." "We practically had to drag her off that Redcoat at Butlin's the summer of '81." "Bye." "All ready for a bit of True Blood, season 5, episode 7." "I don't know, Gar." "It feels weird, carrying on like normal after what Alfie's been through." "He's been dumped, not given three months to live." "You're a cold fish, Gary Taylor." "Oh, come on." "It'll cheer us both up." "I've got Belgian chocolat especially." "Yeah, all right." "I got leftovers from the wedding." "I'd avoid anything with meat or cream in it." "And anything that smells." "Fine." "Whatever." "Hang about - it says there it's been part-viewed." "Does it?" "Look!" "Right there." "Strange." "You didn't watch it, did you?" "Without me?" "Because that would be incredibly out of order." "No!" "As if!" "Really?" "That would be like cheating, Gary." "You'd officially be Carly." "Gary, stop it." "It's a glitch, obviously." "You know what that digi box is like." "I couldn't keep up with the Kardashians for ages." "You swear?" "On Kim Cattrall's life?" "I would never swear on Kim Cattrall's life." "The ginger one, then." "I swear." "Excuse me, love." "I'm looking for Judy Taylor Chatterjee." "She does tango here." "Describe her." "About this high, blonde, filthy laugh." "Oh, Jude!" "Whose son got dumped, then beat up?" "That's not quite how I'd put it." "Slaughtered him, I heard." "Animal." "Mind you, I wouldn't mess with Big Mac." "He's massive." "Yeah..." "Do you know where Jude is?" "Last I saw, she was having a one-to-one with Dino upstairs." "The bloke with the gammy eye?" "I don't look at his eye, my love." "Not with those hips." "♪ (LATIN MUSIC) Cha!" "Cha-cha-cha!" "La-la-la!" "Ah-boom-boom-boom!" "Cha-cha-cha!" "Ah!" "You can do it!" "It's love you." "It's inside you." "You're about to explode!" "Oh!" "I'm literally dripping, Dino." "Yes!" "That's because Dino... ..is hot." "Oo-er. (LAUGHS)" "Come." "You buy me cappuccino." "Ooh!" "(GIGGLES)" "there we go." "You're in the Madonna suite." "Top of the stairs, sharp left." "Thanks." "What time will the evening meal be served?" "Oh, I'm afraid it's a - Skeleton service." "Actually, I was going to say, it's my tango party this evening, so the full menu plus buffet service is slightly later than advertised." "Say 8:00pm?" "Lovely." "Checking out?" "We hope you enjoyed your stay in the Michael Jackson suite." "Come again." "I give very good discounts in the winter months." "Unless it's sunny." "Oh, hang about - I forgot to give you these." "It's leftovers from the wedding, to make up for some of the missed meals, you know." "Sorry." "Thank you very much, Mrs Chatterjee." "That's very thoughtful." "No probs." "I'd avoid anything with cream." "Or meat." "And anything that smells." "See you." "Where d'you think you're going?" "Work." "I can't mope around." "I said I'd do the afternoon shift." "but we've got guests." "There we go." "(APPRECIATIVE MURMURS)" "Hello, matey!" "See the game last night?" "That was definitely a penalty." "Strangely, I missed it, Gary." "What's going on?" "More leftovers." "Waste not, want not." "More's the pity." "These Scotch eggs taste like farts." "Look, um, thanks, but the last thing I want is anything from the wedding." "I need to get on with my life." "(GASPS)" "Not late, am I?" "Oh my gaga!" "What is she doing here?" "This is better than an episode of True Blood." "No it's not." "Nothing beats a bit of Bill and Sookie." "Your mum invited me." "You didn't!" "Before you put me on the cross and get the nails out, hear me out." "Me and Carly had a little conflab yesterday." "I pointed out a few things to her." "That's all." "Didn't I, darling?" "Yes, you did." "What things?" "Well, you two planned the wedding for three years." "It was bound to be overwhelming." "Weddings are terrifying." "I think you both should just stop, have a break and realise why you got together in the first place." "And then get married." "(SHOCKED GASPS)" "Are you totally mental?" "Look, Alf, your mum thinks we should go on the honeymoon first." "Test the water, like." "Have a relax, bit of a party." "Get to know each other again." "What do you think?" "I'm not promising anything, but I'm willing to go to Ibiza if you are." "I'm sorry - after what you did to my brother, do you honestly think he'd consider going on holiday with you?" "I'm getting in the mood early." "Are you out of your mind?" "Carly dumped you!" "It's a perfect chance to start over." "Has she said she'll marry you?" "Well, not in so many words." "Then why are you going on honeymoon with her?" "It's the perfect place to put us on the road to recovery." "A 3-star hotel with phone parties every night?" "Don't you get it?" "The world doesn't start and end with Carly." "Are you...saying what I think you're saying?" "Well, what do you think I'm saying?" "I get on my horse again, like Donkey said?" "No, Alfie, that's not what I'm saying." "Oh, never mind." "Here it is!" "I'll come to yours straight after work." "Sorted." "Bald Gary's running us to the airport." "Great!" "Oh - my bag tag." "Look, are you sure about this, Alf?" "Course!" "Look, Carly is the only horse for me." "I mean - girl." "Didn't she want something bigger?" "On it like a car bonnet." "I have decided I am getting a... ..tattoo done for her!" "What?" "With our names conjoined." "Like Brad and Angelina" " Brangelina." "Posh and Becks" " Pecks." "Can't get bigger than that, can you?" "♪ (TANGO PLAYS)" "Yes, I'm loving it!" "Lovely." "Look into his eyes." "Come on, come on." "Yes, good, good, I like it." "Good." "On the floor, Doreen." "Make it your lover, your slave, your paramour." "Ah, you must feed it until it craves you." "Yes." "What does it do?" "Craves me." "Craves me." "Yes, and what do you do?" "Feed it." "Feed it." "Don't overfeed it." "Hello, Sexy Bum!" "Hey, Judy!" "I hope you're gonna show me some of your naughty moves tonight." "Oh, I'll do my best, Dino." "Or should I say, my worst?" "Ah!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Now, where do you want me?" "By my side, where you belong." "Tan!" "I don't know if anyone's told you, pal, but the senora is with me." "(GASPS) Is a shame." "You and I could have had a lot of fun together." "My God, did you see him?" "Mucho masculinos." "Gary, why are you still here?" "You're supposed to be taking Gary and Carly to the airport." "Fine." "I just want to sort these first." "I'll do that." "And get them mixed up with yours." "No thank you." "I don't think so." "Fine." "I'll see you later, then." "You can come in now." "Thank God for that." "I thought he'd never go." "Me too." "I'm champing at the bit." "Come on, let's get it on." "True Blood, series 5, episode 8." "Sky Plussed and ready to go." "Busted!" "I KNEW something was going on!" "It's not what you think." "With my own mother." "My mother!" "What's she got that I haven't?" "Nothing!" "The sense not to talk all the way through a good programme." "Gary!" "Sorry, Gar." "It's just, you're always intelligenise stuff." "Intellectualise?" "That's the one." "Sometimes I don't want to think about there being another TV show." "I just want to watch it for the - Naked men." "Well, if you feel like that, go ahead." "I don't care." "You two can watch it whenever you like." "I'll watch it on my own, in peace, with Saugignon blanc and Kettle Chips." "You see?" "I told you he'd be fine, Gary." "Thanks, Gary." "Not at all." "All you need is the new four-digit pin I've put on the Sky box." "Ciao." "BOTH:" "Gary!" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Cheers, Ann-Marie." "No sweat." "Hope you know what you're doing, soldier." "Course I do." "All right." "Now, look after yourself out there." "Stick to bottled beer, don't pay over ten euros to get into a club, and if you get into a fight, hit 'em here and here." "You won't kill 'em, but it might buy you some time." "Great!" "Thanks, sis." "Hey!" "Hey." "Michelle." "So, are you ready to rock'n'roll?" "I'm not coming, Alf." "You what?" "I said, I'm not coming on holiday." "Please, not again." "I'm sorry, all right?" "If I went, it'd be for the wrong reasons." "Like Michelle said." "Oh, cheers for that!" "I was just trying to help." "Don't blame her!" "I do know my own mind, Alfie." "I knew I shouldn't have come." "I'll see you later." "Michelle?" "Just, I don't get it!" "one minute we're getting married, next minute we're not." "Then we're going on honeymoon." "Then we're not." "What's going on?" "I wanted to go to Ibiza, all right?" "I'm horrible." "I know." "I wanted a holiday." "And..." "I didn't want to marry you cos I'm 23, Alfie, and Big Mac's the only other bloke I've snogged." "It's not right." "It's not normal." "We're...not normal." "But we're in love!" "Since we were 16!" "We was just kids." "We still are." "I know it sounds crap, but there's an actual world out there to see." "I haven't even been to Bluewater." "My nine-year-old niece has done that." "It's not all it's cracked up to be." "The Nando's there is tiny." "No it's not!" "Anyway, that's not the point." "(CAR HORN)" "(Whooo.)" "That'll be Bald Gary." "Look, if you leave now, there's time for you to finish packing." "You can take Michelle." "She'll only have to pay for the flight." "Don't be a nutter." "No, take it." "You might not love me any more, but I still love you, which means I want you to be happy, you know, and have a holiday." "I'm sorry." "Thanks, Alf." "Oh, no worries." "Oh, and stick to bottled beer, don't pay over 10 euros to go in a club, and if you get in a fight, hit them here and here." "I don't know why, but it works, apparently." "Thanks." "Where's Alf?" "Change of plan." "Change..." "(GIGGLING)" "Alfie?" "I hope he hasn't gone yet." "We've come home early specially." "Hola, hola!" "Thanks for the advice, son." "It worked a treat." "Alfie?" "Honeymoon's off." "Me and Carly are over." "No." "Oh, my baby boy." "Come here." "What's happened?" "Oh - watch the tattoo!" "Oh!" "What tattoo?" "This one." "Does that say..." "ALCY." "Oh yeah." "I was hoping to get this removed." "I could turn it into something else." "What, like a magician?" "You sold your wedding dress?" "When?" "On my mobile, while I was in Ibiza." "Amongst other things." "Hit the..." "Shut up." "Alfie!" "And you shut up." "Steady on, mate." "BOTH:" "Shut up!" "Does this look like a 47-year-old woman to you?" "No." "I'm 28, Mother." "It's not sherry, it's wine, Mother." "Sheila made it herself." "With her bush." "In her back patch." "I'm telling you, I'd be all over you if I was 15 years younger." "And not my mother." "♪ "Edge of Heaven" song"