"(BEEPING)" "Look, there's probably a very simple explanation to all this, it's just a case of retracing your steps." "But I've told you, I just woke up and he was gone." "What was the last memorable thing Donald said to you last night?" ""Hold that position, I'll just go and rinse this under a tap."" "I mean, it's just not like him to go wandering off, never mind miss a meal." "What time did you wake up?" "8:00." "Okay, it's 1 0:30 now so we know one thing for definite." "What's that?" "He's been missing for two and a half hours." "Well done, Holmes, another case solved." "Which one of you is Jacqueline Stewart?" "Oh, and here's Dr Watson." "That's me." "There is a phone call for you." "Your husband's clothes have been found on the gay nudist beach." "Oh, what a relief, thank you!" "You see, I knew he'd turn up." "Well, I wish he'd said he was going." "It is not your husband who has been found, just his clothes." "Oh, and there is a note from him, too, saying he has been committed to suicide." "(GASPS)" "Another Screaming Orgasm?" "No." "I think I've had me last one." "Aw." "Natalie, I need to speak to you." "She doesn't wanna talk to you." "I can speak for myself, thanks." "I don't wanna talk to you." "Do you want me to knock him out?" "I'll knock him out if you want me to knock him out, just say the words and I'll knock him out." "Don't be stupid." "But I can explain about last night." "I saw you getting pushed in a police van full of prostitutes wearing a dress and high heels." "What is there to explain?" "But this was not for me." "I mean, this was a mistake." "This is why you are no good as a girlfriend, always jumping on conclusions." "Listen, stay away from Natalie or it'll be me jumping on your greasy head." "Why are you so angry?" "It's a little thing called loyalty, you wouldn't know about it." "Hey, I know about this loyalty, last night I was helping a friend." "She needed a date." "I mean, he needed a date." "I mean, he had a friend who needed..." "Hey, amigo, what happened to you last night?" "What happened to me?" "Yeah, I came out of the restaurant and you'd gone." "I expect you got cold feet." "No worries though, we had a great night." "I'm seeing them both again tomorrow." "You have no idea the trouble you cause me." "I was speaking to a man outside then the next thing I know..." "You are seeing both of them?" "Yeah, turns out they're cousins." "As me old granny used to say, "Keep it in the family."" "(LAUGHING)" "(SIGHS)" "Are you sure this is all true?" "And not just your sad attempt to get in with Nat, 'cause I'll tell you now, you and her, it's never gonna happen." "I swear to you, he said he just has flings with girls here 'cause he's married." "He's got kids and all." "Right." "Hey, barman, another white wine and another shot of Windolene." "That's not Windolene, that's top quality Ouzo." "Do I look as though I give a shit?" "No, you've got me on that one. (LAUGHS)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Hey, son, you're cutting it fine, aren't you?" "What time's your flight?" "Approximately two hours ago." "Right, you stay here, I'll give Dodgy Dave a ring." "He does a good taxi run to Alicante for 40." "Right." "Hang on, you did say," ""Two hours to go"?" "Two hours ago." "I missed me flight." "Dad, I don't want to leave." "Ah, come on, son, don't be like that." "Your Mum'll be missing you." "She hasn't rang or texted once since I've been here." "Well, because she knows you're on your holidays." "She doesn't wanna be bothering you while you're having fun in the sun." "I text her every day." "What do you want to stay here for?" "There's no work, you've got nowhere to stay, you don't know anybody." "Son, there's nothing here for you." "You." "You're here." "I miss you, Dad." "Really?" "Yeah." "Well, I thought I was just a bit of an embarrassment to you, like." "What?" "Just 'cause you dress up in women's clothes?" "What's that got to do with anything?" "It doesn't change the person you are inside." "I have never heard you say a bad word against anyone." "You do the things that make you happy but never at the expense of others." "You are the most generous, kind," "patient, thoughtful," "loving person I have ever met." "You're no embarrassment to me, Dad." "(SNIFFLES) You're my hero." "(PAULINE SOBBING)" "What's a woman got to do to get a drink around here?" "Right, where's this Tricky Dicky or whatever he's called?" "Lucky Kev." "He was supposed to be leaving a set of keys to the bar behind reception." "I'll ask." "Look, why don't you lot stay here?" "We're only putting a lick of paint on the place." "Oh, no, you're not going anywhere without me." "Don't want your sticky fingers in the till, creaming off the profits." "What profit?" "It's not gonna be open today." "They haven't got any keys." "I knew it." "This whole venture is going to be a disaster, I'm surrounded by amateurs." "If you wanna open this bar completely on your own, you go ahead." "I'm very happy sitting on me arse with a beer in the sun." "Oh, that'll make a change, you've done little else for the last week." "What do you want me to do?" "I'm supposed to be on holiday!" "My husband was right about you, bone idle." "Right, goodbye." "Oh, that's right, abandon me." "A poor defenceless widow left to fend for herself." "Is she taking the piss?" "Mick, come back here." "Hiya, sorry I'm late." "Right, I've got the keys, shall we go?" "What happened to you?" "Hey?" "Oh, this?" "Somebody in the pub last night bet me 1 00 that I couldn't lick the back of me own head." "Did you manage it?" "No, no." "It's impossible apparently." "Get away." "Hey, listen, I brought you some free passes for Terra Mitica." "You know, the big theme park." "Oh, yeah!" "No." "They've all got to come with us to make sure I keep me hands out the till." "I didn't think we were opening today." "I don't mind taking Michael to the theme park, you know me, anything for the kiddies." "Yeah, that's you, Madge, you're all heart." "See you later." "Come on." "Here, give them here, how many have we got?" "We might be able to sell some." "Do you think he's topped himself?" "Well, he had three months to live, who knows what was going through his mind." "What would you do if you were told you only had three months to live?" "I don't know." "I suppose I would travel as much as my health would allow." "There's so much of the world I haven't seen." "Animals migrating in the Serengeti, the Great Coral Reef, the dunes of the Sahara, the Taj Mahal, Petra." "You'd wanna see all them places plus the dog from Blue Peter?" "The ancient Nabatean city of Petra." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I think I'd just wanna get as much sex as was humanly possible." "(SIGHS) Oh." "They say they can't start looking for him until he's been missing for 24 hours." "But I know he's gone." "He left a note." ""My darling Jacqueline, the time has come to say goodbye." ""I kissed you as you were sleeping before I left." ""This is how I will remember you." ""I want you to remember me as the life and soul of the party," ""not some unrecognisable figure wasting away in a hospital bed." ""Until we meet again on the other side, forever yours, Donald."" ""P.S." ""If my body is ever found I'd like to be buried in Benidorm."" "Aw." ""Flying bodies back to the UK can be hellishly expensive."" "If he is washed up on the beach you can always pop him in a wheelchair and just tell the cabin crew he's absolutely rat arsed." "I mean, flying back from Benidorm, he wouldn't be the first." "Thank you, Kenneth." "Jacqueline, if there's absolutely anything we can do, just let us know." "Well, actually, there is one thing." "I know it sounds silly, but I just can't bear the thought of him without his hat." "Of course, it's not silly." "Sorry, we are assuming he's dead, aren't we?" "I mean, the hat didn't help him swim or anything like that?" "Kenneth!" "Well, I don't know." "It's a shame we couldn't hire a boat or something." "You know, get a bit further out to sea." "Why don't we go up to the jetty and do it from there?" "For once he has a good idea." "I knew it had to happen at some point." "I could have a go on that skiing thing while you do it." "I think not." "This is supposed to be a dignified ceremony, not some kind of 1 8-30 beach party." "Now, how do we get to the jetty?" "(WHOOPING)" "(ALL WHOOPING)" "Oh, my God, it looks brilliant!" "I knew it, queues all around the block." "It'll be like that time me and Mel went to Knowsley Safari Park," "£20 to get in and a monkey shat on the windscreen, it's all a con." "There aren't that many people, it won't take long." "Here, give me them free tickets, I'll wave them at her." "Mother, we're still going to have to queue even if we've got free tickets." "Here, look, free!" "Gratis, no queue!" "Mother, will you give over, we're just gonna have to wait our turn." "There you go." "Nobody queues when they're with Madge Harvey." "Nice one, Nana." "(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)" "As my Mel used to say, it's not what you know, it's who you know." "Would you mind if I said a few words?" "What's it got to do with you?" "Oh, yes, I'd love that." "(CLEARING THROAT)" ""The Moving Finger writes;" "and, having writ," ""Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit" ""Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line," ""Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it."" "(MOUTHING)" "Until we meet again." "Beautiful." "Hey, hey!" "Please move back, this area is very dangerous, okay?" "So what you got planned for the rest of the day, anything good?" "Kenneth, what an insensitive question." "What?" "I was only asking!" "The police said something about meeting up with the British Consulate, but I can't face that today." "I'm absolutely drained," "I just want to spend some time on my own, gather my thoughts, let it all sink in." "You know, quiet, peaceful reflection." "Okay." "Go!" "(SCREAMING)" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "(MEN SHOUTING)" "(SHOUTING)" "(SCREAMING)" "What the bloody hell's going on there?" "Oh, that's them young Spanish lads, they're bloody fearless on that thing." "Hey, I've just realised I gave your Mrs the wrong envelope." "These are the free tickets to Terra Mitica." "So what did you give them?" "Must have been the application form I filled in to work there when I thought this place was going under." "Oh, they'll be all right, Janice has got some money." "That's not a Spanish lad, it's a woman." "(SCREAMING)" "Oh, yeah." "Bloody hell," "I've never seen anyone do it on their back before." "If that's who I think it is, she's had a lot of practice." "(GROANING) Oh, oh." "Hey, these are all right, aren't they?" "I didn't know they gave you fancy dress." "It's like Clash of the Titans." "Can you take me picture?" "Oh, thanks for taking the last of the togas." "You look all right." "You look like Charlton Heston." "(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH)" "MICHAEL:" "Wow." "(CROWD APPLAUDING)" "Nana, how come we are the only ones in fancy dress?" "They must have run out of costumes for everyone." "Oh, yeah?" "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "(TAKING OATH IN SPANISH)" "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "(YELLS)" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "(CROWD APPLAUDING)" "So you see, I was helping my friend." "It was all a case of taking my identity." "Mistaken identity." "My English, it is getting worse, you must think I am so dumb." "No, I think you're cute." "Natalie, I know you will not take me back, but could we spend just one more night together?" "I miss the touch of your soft skin, my lips touching yours." "If I did take you back I'd need to know you were serious." "But you have already said you will not take me back." "I must respect your feelings." "But to spend one more night with the woman of my dreams..." "But what I'm saying is, if I did take you back... (SHUSHING) It is no use me begging," "I know you have made up your mind." "Well..." "But just to spend one more night with you in my arms, it is all that I ask." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Freeze, greaseball!" "Are you talking to me?" "Well, I don't see any other dirty, sneaky, lying pigs around here." "I do not know why you do not like me," "I have never done anything bad to you." "Leave it, Sam, he's explained everything." "Oh, has he?" "Absolutely everything?" "Including his wife and three kids?" "What?" "A wife?" "Me?" "Are you crazy?" "Someone told me, but not wanting to go around listening to tittle tattle," "I thought I'd make my own enquiries." "Natalie, you know she is lying." "Mr Mateo Castellano, 42, of Avenida De Naraja," "La Nucia." "Next of kin, Mrs Daria Castellano, brackets, three children." "I can't believe you're married!" "Daria is my sister." "I live with my sister and her three children." "Now, who is the one with the tattle tittle, huh?" "Is that why when I said to the guy at reception you'd had an almost fatal accident on the road, outside the hotel, and had been taken to hospital, he took out this file and said, "Are you sure it's Mateo?" ""I'll call his wife."" "You told my wife I was in an accident?" "What is wrong with..." "So you are married?" "All this time, you've been married with three kids." "Natalie, I can explain everything." "How could you do it to me?" "How could you that to them?" "If you just listen, I can explain." "SAM:" "Go!" "Just go." "I'm sorry, Nat." "You did not have to read out my age." "(YELLING)" "Who do you think's gonna win, Nana?" "I dunno, I don't think I'd put any money on that one with the daft hat, though." "(YELLING)" "(GROANS)" "How the frig did I get roped into this?" "Always the same, you never could keep your nose out of an argument!" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, you think so, do you, big lad?" "(GRUNTING)" "Right, get on with it, we haven't got all day." "Some of us have got rollercoasters to go on." "Shut up!" "Go on, Mum, you can do it." "Come on!" "(GRUNTING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(CROWD APPLAUDING)" "Oh, I can't kill him, Mum, he's gorgeous." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Sorry, love, have to give them what they want." "(WHOOPS)" "No way is me Dad gonna believe this!" "Did you get any pictures?" "Yeah, loads." "Come on, we've got to find a shop, I've run out of cigs." "Hey, where are you going?" "What the frig's it got to do with you?" "You have another six shows to do today." "Piss off, we don't mind joining in once, we're not doing that all day." "You can say that again." "But you are here to work?" "Do you want the job or not?" "No, we frigging don't." "Then why did you give me the application form?" "If you are not working you need to pay to get in." "And you are wearing our costumes!" "(SIGHS)" "Well, don't just stand there, go and get them." "You have to be joking, that is one mean bitch." "Careful now." "What I can't understand is why didn't they stop it." "Eight times I went round." "It was 1 1 ." "Was it?" "Yeah, I counted." "I think the thing was, by your fourth time around, they'd started taking money from people to watch." "It was absolutely barbaric." "They could tell by the noise you were making you weren't exactly enjoying yourself." "Well, that's not 1 00%%% true." "Amongst the agony there was just a little bit of ecstacy, if you know what I mean." "You're joking?" "You know what they say, water can get into just about everywhere!" "(GROANING)" "Quick, Kenneth, hot, sweet tea." "Oh, I couldn't drink anything hot, not in this heat." "Not for you, you idiot, for Jacqueline." "Oh, yeah." "Steady, steady now." "Oh, that's better." "You're obviously in shock." "Today of all days for this to happen." "Yeah." "I must say, when I was first yanked off the jetty it did come as a bit of a surprise, but the first couple of times around weren't that bad." "It brought a lot of memories back." "Feeling the salty spray in my face again." "I'm sorry?" "My uncle Magnus was a Danish deep sea fisherman." "I used to spend most of the summer holidays grinding his chum." "Did you?" "Oh, yeah." "Would never let me handle his tackle, though." "I should hope not." "Shame, 'cause he had one of the most impressive rods I've ever seen." "Here you go, four sugars." "Oh, thank you, darling." "Oh, I forgot to ask, what time is Troy back?" "He was supposed to be here tonight, but he's changed his flight to tomorrow." "He has to sign some papers, didn't say what for." "Aw." "How's his father?" "Still dead." "Is he?" "Oh, I am sorry to hear that." "(STOMACH GROWLING)" "Oh, dear, I think I'm gonna have to go again." "Oh!" "I mean, I'm not going to get graphic, but I'm sure" "I must still have at least another gallon swishing about in there." "Thank God she didn't get graphic." "Large white wine, over here." "How did you get on?" "They still won't tell me what's going on." "Oh, what is going on?" "You know I don't poke my nose into yours or Geoff's business, but I'm worried about you." "It's not just the divorce, is it?" "I'm waiting for the court to decide on what I get from that bastard Bashir." "Not that fella who interviewed Diana?" "What?" "Martin Bashir." "I remember him doing that lovely interview with Michael Jackson." "Smashing head of hair." "Martin Bashir, I mean, not Michael Jackson." "What are you talking about?" "Martin Bashir." "I'm talking about my soon to be ex-husband, Bashir Mahmoud." "He's got every penny of my life savings." "What did you give him that for?" "He was going to invest it for me." "I should know within the next 24 hours whether or not I'm left without a penny to my name." "Oh, heck." "Every cloud has a silver lining, you can always come and stay with me." "Are you asleep?" "Yeah." "Are you?" "How did it go today?" "It was all right." "Gave the bar a lick of paint, ordered the new sign." "Watched a 60-year-old woman get dragged at 40 miles an hour across the Mediterranean on her back." "You know, the usual." "What are we doing?" "Well, I'm lying in a Spanish bed sweating cobs trying to remember if we left the gas on." "You know what I mean." "Your mother wants to stay in Spain." "We can't leave her on her own." "Anyway, our Michael doesn't have to be back in school for another six weeks." "It'll be nice to spend the summer here." "What do you think?" "My honest opinion?" "Yeah." "I think by then the bar will have gone down the pan, we'll all realise that living in Spain is completely different from being on holiday here." "We'll all have gone home and taken up where we left off." "But if the business is a success, we'll spend each day kissed by the Spanish sun, live a more healthy, relaxed pace of life, and we'll all live happily ever after." "You're still drunk, aren't you?" "Absolutely hammered." "Hmm." "(JACQUELINE CLEARS THROAT)" "Ah, Mrs Stewart." "Please, sit down. (CHUCKLES)" "I've been expecting you." "Oh, hiya, I nearly didn't see you there." "What you doing?" "Nothing." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "Did you get your legs done?" "What do you think?" "(GROANS)" "I had a Brazilian instead." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Is it sore?" "Put it this way, I won't be going for a jog before me tea tonight." "Hey, you'll never guess who works in that salon." "You remember Kerry Bentall?" "Very high fringe and no dress sense?" "Not really." "Kerry Bentall." "Got suspended for stabbing a cow on a field trip to Harrogate?" "(GASPS) Mental Bentall?" "Works in that salon." "No." "Yeah." "What, you let her near your cat flaps with a tub of hot wax?" "She was brilliant." "I got her number, she said she'd come out with us tonight." "Look, she gave me this for you." "Free back, sack and crack?" "Thanks, just what I've always wanted." "Or..." ""Free eyebrow shaping or upper lip bleach." Thanks." "Not the lips, get your eyebrows done." "Nat, what's wrong?" "Oh, God, forget about that dick." "I talked to him while you were out." "He told me he'd separated from his wife ages ago, but he couldn't afford to move out, that's why they still lived together." "He said he wanted to be with me." "He said he loved me." "I said okay, if you really love me then let's live together," "I'll move to Benidorm, I'll rent us a flat, I'll get a job here." "I said, if you really love me, then you've got me." "I'll start looking for a flat today." "Do you know what he said?" "Nothing." "He just looked like he was gonna be sick." "I felt so stupid I started to cry." "And he just looked embarrassed." "God, I'm such an idiot." "I'm gonna rip his balls off." "Sam, don't, please." "You're just going to make it worse." "I'm gonna go up to the room." "Oh, Nat!" "Actually, why should I bother ripping your balls off?" "How can I help you?" "Have you seen a voucher anywhere, I think I left it here?" "For a free beauty treatment?" "No." "(EXHALES) I'm sure I left it here." "It's worth like 40." "No." "Oh, okay." "Well, if you see it, will you give it back to me?" "It has to be used by 8:00 tonight." "Okay, no problem." "Hiya, Kerry?" "It's Sam Wood." "(LAUGHS) Hiya." "Listen, I need you to do me a favour." "(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH)" "I'm awfully sorry, but I can't understand a word you're saying." "(SIGHS)" "One finds oneself wanting to make an effort with the language but one rarely finds the time." "(CHUCKLES)" "Now, where were we?" "My husband, Mr Stewart." "Ah!" "Yes." "Yes." "As much as I'd like to help you I'm afraid running naked down the Avenida del Mediterraneo waving a blow-up sheep, and shouting "up the Arsenal" is not the kind of behaviour we condone." "I'm afraid your husband will have to serve his six days' prison sentence without any intervention from the Consulate." "Donald Stewart." "Oh, I beg your pardon." "Donald Stewart." "Ah, yes." "Um..." "The clothes on the beach." "I'm sorry, but your husband appears to have been missing barely 24 hours, Mrs Stewart." "The Spanish police will no doubt snap into action within the next month or two, but I'm afraid we can't begin any investigation until at least 48 hours have passed." "This is of course Benidorm, 48 hours missing here is merely a night out." "So, I don't understand why you asked to see me." "Ah, yes." "Well, of course, that brings us to a slightly delicate matter." "Yesterday morning when you reported your husband missing, we sent a chap out to, well, see how you were coping." "GAVIN:" "Jacqueline has been amazing." "Kenneth and I spent most of yesterday comforting her." "Yes... (CLEARS THROAT)" "Now, look." "What are you trying to say?" "Donald had a terminal illness, he's killed himself and this woman is in bits." "There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this photograph, and I think you're bang out of order." "Would you mind awfully if I asked you to be quiet?" "Sorry." "I hate to be the one to point the finger of suspicion, but there have been an appalling spate of false insurance claims over the last few years." "I blame that couple with the canoe." "Are you trying to say that Donald faked his own death?" "Lots of quietness in very large amounts, please." "What goes on between yourself and your insurance company is naturally your own business, but the police have so much paperwork to get on with between fiestas, if we don't nip this kind of thing in the bud," "they end up beating us over the head with a big Spanish stick." "(CHUCKLES)" "Not literally, of course." "I know this picture looks like we're having fun, but grief affects people in different ways." "Donald had three months to live, and half of me is thankful his final day on earth was spent on a sunny beach in a place he held close to his heart, rather than lying in a hospital bed." "Then there's the other half of me that's absolutely furious with him for leaving me on my own." "Then there's the other half of me... (SOBBING) The half that is going to miss him so much that I'm not sure I want to carry on living myself." "(JACQUELINE SOBBING)" "Oh, dear." "I appear to have upset you." "Well, I think everything is in order here." "(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)" "Can we go now?" "But, of course." "Do let me know if I can be of any further assistance." "(SIGHS)" "(FUNKSOUL BROTHER PLAYING)" "♪ The funk soul brother" "Do you know if I had a dog with a face as miserable as yours," "I'd shave it's arse and teach it to walk backwards." "Oh, just go away!" "All right, keep your hair on." "She has got a point." "Troy!" "(SIGHING)" "Oh, I've missed you." "I've missed you so much." "Hey, don't get upset." "Sorry, I'm sorry." "How are you?" "I wish you had let me stay, I wanted to be there for you." "Has it been hell?" "I don't know how to explain it." "What do you say to a dying man you last saw when you were six?" "Whether he's your father or not." "I'd like to say we made our peace, but we didn't really." "I tried to talk to him about him and me Mum, about why he left us, but he wasn't interested." "He just kept saying," ""I have 1 00 reasons why I have not been there for you," ""when you are in business you will understand."" "I told him I had a business." "I said, "I run a very successful business with my partner."" "Of course, by then he had always moved on to something else." "So, why did he want to see you?" "That's what I kept wondering." "I assumed it was because he had nobody else and he didn't wanna die on his own." "Oh, my goodness." "Of course, I wasn't there." "I mean, when he did actually die, I wasn't with him." "I'd gone out to move the car so I didn't get a ticket." "His last words to me were," ""I've had the wrong teeth in for four days."" "When they were clearing out his stuff in the hospital, there was a box with my name on it." "I opened it up and inside it were keys." "Bunches and bunches of house keys." "Turns out he was one of the most successful landlords in Derby." "Never used a letting agent, did it all himself." "Collected all the rents, did all the repairs, maintenance, the lot." "God forbid he should give any of the profits to somebody else." "Anyway, turns out, in his will, he left everything to me." "Well, us." "About £400,000 in savings, and, of course, all the houses." "Exactly 1 00 of them." "So, what's been happening here?" "I, uh..." "Um..." "It's all right, you can tell us later." "Come on." "I think we both need a drink." "(RIPPING OFF WAX) -(MATEO SCREAMS)" "Please, no more!" "What is your problem?" "My cojones are on fire." "Excuse me, where are my clothes?" "Hello?" "(SPEAKS SPANISH)" "I need to shower, can I have a towel, please?" "Please bring my clothes." "What are you doing?" "Open this door!" "Open this door!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Hey!" "Come here!" "(STAND BYME PLAYING)" "♪ When the night has come" "♪And the land is dark" "♪And the moon is the only light we'll see" "♪ No, I won't..." "How's it all going?" "Yeah, really good." "Not all free sangria, is it?" "No, we've taken about 200." "Not bad for the first couple of hours." "(LAUGHING)" "Sorry, love, can I get to the bar?" "You got your wristband?" "No." "'Course you can, darling. (CHUCKLES)" "♪ Darling, stand by me" "You're doing well, lad, you keep that up and you might get a regular gig." "Thanks, Madge." "There you go." "What have I told you about that raspberry?" "You won't enjoy your holiday if you're constantly fretting about stuff." "It's over." "What?" "He didn't show up at court." "What does that mean?" "It means I get everything." "My money, my investment in all the property, everything." "I get my life back." "Oh, lovely!" "Hey, if you're quids in you know what that means?" "What?" "We can afford to come back here together again next year." "♪ Stand by me Oh, stand by me ♪" "(SIGHS)" "How you doing?" "I miss him." "Mmm." "Yeah, I know you do." "Do you think Gavin and Troy will come over?" "No, I think they might be having an early night." "Will you be going home now, then?" "I mean, you were using Troy's place on the holiday, weren't you?" "Yeah." "No, I wanted to stay, but someone's got to go back and take care of their business." "I'll definitely be back though." "I think I've caught the Benidorm bug." "Oh, Donald had that last year." "You need to get some lotion from the chemist, it'll clear up in 48 hours." "Do you think he'll be all right?" "Who?" "Mateo." "Uh, I think you're mistaking me for someone who gives a shit." "Yeah, yeah, all right." "You liked him, didn't you?" "Not really." "It's a bad boy thing, innit?" "I mean, who wants a wet, boring, spineless, predictable mummy's boy?" "Hiya!" "I thought it was you." "I saw all your hair and I saw your face, and I thought, I bet that's them!" "I thought you were going home today?" "No, I'm staying here, in Spain." "With me Dad." "(CROWD CLAPPING)" "Do you wanna come out with us tonight?" "Yeah, why not." "We've both given up on men so we may as well come out for the laugh." "Aw!" "Don't be so hard on yourself." "We're going up to one of them tranny bars in the old town." "I think you'll do really well." "I'll see youse later." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Can I have your attention, please?" "Your attention, please." "Thank you." "I'd like to say a few words." "I want to thank everybody for your support in this new business venture." "Although it's not just that, it's a new way of life." "When I first moved to Spain with my husband Mel, we had a dream." "A dream we'd live happily ever after." "And we got close." "We got so close." "I miss my husband more with each passing day." "We had our good times and not so good times." "But as I stand here, in front of this tiny rundown bar," "I know just how proud he would have been that I've done it all on my own." "Janice, Mick, Michael," "I know sometimes you think I take you all for granted." "And I suppose I do, from time to time." "But I need you all to know one thing." "I love you." "And seeing you standing here beside me as I enter this new chapter in my life," "I'm well aware of just how much you must love me." "So, please, raise your glasses and toast my wonderful family." "And the finest man I ever knew, my husband, my soul mate," "my Mel." "Mel." "ALL:" "Mel." "♪ What would you do if I sang out of tune" "♪ Would you stand up and walk out on me?" "♪ Well, I'm gonna... ♪ Get by with a little help from my friends ♪" "I checked into the hotel and got your note." "Oh, it's been so difficult not to ring you, Donald, but you're right, we've got to be careful." "What a brilliant disguise, by the way!" "Black suits you, it's really slimming." "Jacqueline!" "(GASPS)" "Oh." "I've been looking for you all morning." "I missed the first ferry, then I couldn't find the hotel, and then a man on the train offered me six camels to sleep with him." "Oh, my goodness!" "I know!" "I haven't a clue how he's gonna get them to us." "But you weren't followed?" "No, of course, I weren't." "And everyone at the Solana bought the story, the terminal illness?" "Oh, yeah!" "I had to meet with the British Consul, who at the beginning had a suspicion it might be an insurance scam, but I managed to convince him we'd all seen the last of you." "All my training with the Middlesbrough Swingers Association Drama Group paid off." "Yes, I knew all those years under Gordon Stanislavski would be worth it." "Yeah, and the acting lessons came in handy, too." "(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "(CLEARS THROAT) So..." "I've been over the insurance policy with a fine tooth comb, and all we need to do is sit tight here for six months." "And then because of the terminal illness clause they'll pay out, no further questions asked." "And then we can go back to Benidorm?" "And live in very low profile paradise for the rest of our lives." "£500,000 richer!" "Do you know, If I'm absolutely honest, I didn't think we'd pull this off." "As I told you when we decided to go ahead with this, absolutely nothing can go wrong." "A new beginning." "A new beginning." "Somehow I think not."