"Ho-ooo!" "Pretty good, fella, but not good enough." "Homo!" "Yeah, because I rule, basically." "Shit bender." "Ah, Kelly, you're stankin'!" " What about you, you sweaty fuck?" "!" " Aargh!" "Get away, you scummer." "Later, then!" "What d'you think of that, then?" "Tone?" "What?" "Think of what?" "The moves... me, Jonno and Kel worked it out." "It's ok." "Hey!" "Nothing to worry about, dude." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "It's all right." "Everything's cool." "I want you to know when I look in your eyes..." " Hi, Maxxie." " Hey." "Hi." "Who's that?" "That's Tony." "Hey!" "What's up with you?" "I had a traumatic subdural haematoma with motor and perceptional complications." "Are you mental?" "Yes." "I'd still give you one." "Totally." "He's well fit." "Yeah, Queenie?" "Yeah." "He's buff." "Hey, come on, Tone." "See you later, girls." "See you, Maxxie!" "Bye!" "I wanna give Maxxie one." "You can't." "He's homosexual." "Bummer." "See?" "I remembered your favourite." "Thanks." "You've grown, Tony." "And there's another two inches in you, easy." " How's your mum?" " I don't remember you." "Oh, well." "We used to have lovely chats when I was cleaning your mum's place." " You were such a clever little lad." " I'm stupid now." "No." "Here you go, mate." "Thanks, Mum." "Oh, we used to giggle." "Well, you never did know what your mum was going to say next." "Ketchup, Mum?" "Yeah, right." "Bloody hilarious jokes she told." "Filthy!" "Oh, a right laugh, your mum." "Mum?" "I need to pee." "I can manage it myself, usually." "Yeah, sorry." "Oh, fucking... fucking... fucking thing!" "Oooh!" "Ooh, la la!" "One, two, three, go" "Move your feet, we're going for a ride, yee-hal" "Dip your hat and lean from side to side" "Kick up those heels and hit the floor" "Take the wheel, go round for more" "Nothing's gonna stop my Friday night" "Cos Friday night is made for dancing" "Yes, Friday night is made for fun" "My Friday night is for romancing" "My Friday night, my Friday night has just begun" "Yee-hal" "Oi, look out." "Here comes Batty Boy." "You wanna watch it, Dale." "He'll slip you a big fat cock!" " No fucking way, man!" " Cockety-cock-cock!" "Or he'll slurp you a big fat cock!" "A big fucking cock, yeah." "He'll be like, "All right, my lover!"" "Then wank you silly all over his face and then be like tying you up and shoving his big fat cock right up your arse and you wouldn't be able to fucking stop him cos it's fucking torture." "You're shrieking and..." " I'm just saying fucking homos, though, innit?" " Yeah, fucking homos." "Fuck 'em." "We'll fuck them up." "Fuckin' queers!" " Lads..." " Yeah, fuckin' 'omos!" " Nice one, Taz!" " Hey, Taz!" " All right, love?" " Tea's ready." "Nice routine, Dad." "Nice?" "It's gonna fucking slay them at the regionals." "Cool." "I just wanted to ask, is it ok if I drop out of my A-levels and..." "Come back?" "I wanna leave college and audition for musicals in London." "You're getting qualifications and you're coming to me on the building." "But how's a history A-level gonna help me be a builder?" "You'll be an educated builder." "Dad, I want to be a dancer." "They have dancing every Thursday down the centre." "You love that." " No, but..." " Pastimes." "That's what we're into." " Dad..." " The rest isn't for us." "Get the dog." "Taz!" "Fucking turd burglar." " Watch out, Dale." " Fucking dog!" "Quiet, boy." "You got something to say, kidder?" "Say what I like." "Free country, innit?" "Fair point." "But here's my suggestion, son." "You tell your dad what you said to Walter Oliver." "All right, my lover?" "Lads." " You got fucked up, man!" " Big, big time." "Big time!" "Sid?" "Sid!" "Sid!" "Tony?" "I need to pee." "My hands don't work." "Well, I always sorted you out when you were a baby." "I got to register for college, sign my name on a form." "But my head's forgotten bits of me." "All sorts of bits..." "Give it time, love." " Just..." " Oh." " I can aim." " Right." "All right?" "Oh, bloody hell, Tone!" "You always did make me laugh." "You're making me miss." "You and every other bloke in this sodding house." "Whatever happened to that nice lass you had?" "Oh, my God!" "Ok, watch this!" "Watch this, you bunch of pussy-fuckers, ok?" "One, two, three." "Go!" "Oh, my God!" " We on the right floor?" " Dunno, do I?" "All right, angry boots!" " I wanted to get ready for the party." " Well, that'll take all of about 30 seconds." "I get ready." "I dress up." "Nah... that's what we love about you, Jal-unstudied." "Fucking hell!" "I dress up!" "Is this the door?" "Whoa." "You don't see that every day." "It's open!" "That'll be Sid." "He's gonna take me home." "Oh..." "Chris..." "Jalander." "Oh, what a nice surprise." "Came just at the right time." "Right..." "Where's Sid?" " Ah!" " Hi, guys." "Hi, Tony, Chris." "Hello, funny name." "Where'd you lot spring from?" " Just finished seeing to Tony." " Ah." "Yeah." "She was... seeing to him." "Great." "How are you, lad?" "Better, thanks." "She's got warm hands." "Oh, they're lovely and warm." "Always say that." "So you're all dancing the night away tonight, huh?" "Yeah... bit of a party." " It's not really a party." " Yeah, that's right." "What party?" "Look, sorry, Tone, but your mum says we gotta take you home." "Maybe your folks think it's too soon to be going out." "Fuck my folks!" "Where's Sid?" "He couldn't make it, mate." " His dad made him stay in and..." " Mow the grass." "Yeah, that's it." "He's mowing the grass." "He couldn't make it, Tony." "All right?" "Sid couldn't make it..." ""Hey!" "Hi, Sid!" "When are you coming to see me?" "Everyone's so lovely in Elgin." "Here's my new friends, Rory and Lachlan." " All right, wee man?" " Hello, there, Sidney." " Rory's going to let me blow his chanter later." " It's easy." "Ye just need to learn tae finger it." " I've already been beating Lachlan's bodhran." " Magic!" "Aye!" " What?" "!" " I'm not very good." "Aye, ye are!" "Anyway, there's a present in there, Sid." "And watch what I can do."" "Mighty fucking Scotland." ""Hoots!"" "Don't you care what I want?" "!" "Don't I get to decide?" "Yeah." "You're gonna decide to be a builder who dances in his spare time." "I don't want to be a fucking builder!" " What's wrong with it?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "I just..." "I can do this, Dad!" " You don't think I can do it, do you?" " No, lad." "Fucking hell!" "Thanks, Dad." " It's not my fault, is it?" " What?" "That you're stuck in a fucking white van all your life." "Don't you speak to me like that!" "I'll clout you round the fucking earhole." "Like you clout the fucking dog?" "!" "Don't bring the fucking dog into it." "And I'll have no fucking swearing in this house!" "Mum fucking swears at you all the time!" "Don't wait." "We said we'd take you home." "Don't wanna go home." "Groove upon the party" "Yo, when I'm cruising in my Lamborghini" "The chicks see me, they go, "Mmm, wow, he's so sexy"" "I love the pussy" "I love the pussy, I love the pussy In the pussy, out of the pussy" "Phone... fuck" "Five finger" "Fi..." "Argh!" "Ow!" "Oh..." "Fuckin' hell!" "Sorry." "I gotta remember to stand pimp in these." "What's happening, "blood"?" "I'm in for some serious, slippy-slidey todger action at this party, man!" "It's not... really a party." "Are you pissing me?" "It's the biggest night of the year." "Everybody's going!" " Yeah, except Tony." " Yeah?" "Shame, man." "It's gonna be..." "Huh!" "Wah!" "Chugga-chugga-wah!" "Hit me!" " Ow!" " Tony can't go." "Remember?" "Fuckers!" "Yeah." "Come on, mate." "I told you to keep quiet about the sodding rave." " And why are you dressed as a crack dealer?" " You think it's too much?" "If I'd just met you, Anwar, I'd rather slit my wrists than give you one." "That's because you don't give anyone one." "Yeah?" " Watch out or they'll take your tits into care." " Huh?" "Because they don't get out enough." "You geddit?" "Your tits..." "Hello, Mr Stonem." "Wondered where you were." "Thanks for bringing him back." "That's all right." "No problem." "Maybe we'll pop round... tomorrow." "Let's go get fucked." "Are you not going to have anything, Tony?" "No." "Ok." "So, um, what did you get up to today?" "He shouldn't be going out!" "He's wandering around, God knows where..." " Jim..." " We don't even know who he's with!" " Jim!" " He could have a bleed or a fit or..." "Yeah, Jim." "He's here." "Oh, fuck it!" " Fuck it." " Fuck it." "All right, all right." "Just..." "for Christ's sake, eat something!" "Look, Mum's made it easy." "It's all..." "lovely and... bite-sized." "Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry." "Come on, let's talk about something else." "Come on." " Come on." " Yeah, ok." "What do you want to talk about?" " Dirty jokes." " What?" "Maxxie's mum says your jokes are filthy." "You saw Jackie Oliver today?" "Jackie probably was thinking about someone else." "Right, Anthea?" "Yeah, yeah..." "Anyway..." "This mate of mine's been going to the doctor." "Who's that?" "Er, don't think you know him." "Um, anyway, he had to have some tests, had palpitations or something..." "So he eventually goes back to the doctor to get the results and, er, the doctor says," ""Sit down." "I'm afraid there's good news and there's bad news." "The bad news is you've only got a month to live."" "My mate's like, devastated, he's gutted." "But he pulls himself together and he says, "What's the good news?"" "The doctor says, "See my new receptionist?" "Blonde." "Great arse." "Huge tits." "Well, I'm fucking her."" "That's crap." "Yeah." "My name's Anthea Stonem." "Thank you and good night." "They'll take her tits into care..." "They're gonna..." "They don't get out enough!" "I got it!" "I got it!" "Look, I've told you before, he's not leaving college." "That's it!" "You don't need to be such a monster man about it!" "Who's being a monster man?" " You is." " Bollocks!" "What's eating you, you big old bully?" "Nothing!" "Nothing." "Just leave it alone." "He's not leaving, that's final." "All right, Walter?" "Bandy." "How you doin'?" "Only passable, Walter." "It seems like my Dale has overstepped his mouth." "Little misunderstanding, that's it." "What have you gotta say, dildo-head?" "Sorry, Mr Oliver." "And?" "Sorry, Max." "He's baked a cake of remorse." " Very nice." " So we're all right, then, Walter?" "Water under the bridge, Bandy." "How's the wife?" "Oh, not bad." "They gave her early release." "Still gotta wear the electronic tag, of course." "Bummer." "And they've banned her for life from operating a concrete mixer or a cattle prod." "It's probably for the best." "Oh, Tony!" "For fuck's sake." "Come on!" "Stop!" "Fucking hell." "Get off!" "Oh, fuck!" ""Tony?" "Are you all right? "" "No." "Nobody wants me to come out any more." ""Oh, fuck it." "Come anyway." "My dad won't let me go back to college."" "And mine won't let me leave." "We're both bummed, bruv." ""Why doesn't Sid come any more?"" "Can't remember when he was here." ""He misses you, Tony."" "I miss me." "Come out." "I'll get you dancing." ""Yeah?" "You gonna gay me?" "Hey..." "Tony's here."" "Who's that?" "Hello, everybody." "I'd like to sing a little ditty that I hope you'll rather enjoy." "Alastair, would you mind pressing play, please?" "Thanks awfully." "Raaaas!" "Gimme a riddim, blud." "Mi gonna tear it up with a back ender." "I wanna hear it big, blud." "I wanna hear it hit out, blud!" "I wanna hear it massive!" "Cos we're takin' it uptown!" " Hey!" "Maxxie!" " Monkey Man!" "Fuck me!" "You're just a kid." "You're mental." "Thanks." "Ready?" "Hey, Jal!" "Where's your moves?" " Fuck me senseless!" " Whoa!" "Yeah." "He's hot, man." "Ah, you gay boy!" "Here I come, Cass." "I'm coming!" "It's ok, Tony." "Come on." "No way." "Look who's coming." "It's Tony Stonem." "Oh, my God!" "Tony, hi!" "You look... so, so ok." "Not like..." "Well, they said you were like a total mong, and I would have been so pissed if you were a vegetable and had to be switched off." " Do I know you?" " Tony!" "You do." "You know me really rather well." "Remember?" "You were a very naughty boy." "But I forgive you." " Is it all still working, yah?" " Sorry." "Can't place you." "You remember, Tony... how you said I was like your total dream shag?" "I said that?" "Because Michelle had the funny tits, and was so boring, and you wanted to go out with me because I had the longest tongue you ever..." "He can't... place you." "Oh." "Come on, Tone." "Tongue?" "Oh, yeah." "Ah!" "Get off!" "Ahh!" "Help!" "Wanna get out!" "Tony!" "Tony!" "Tony!" "Get the fuck out my way, will you?" "!" "Tony!" "Tone?" "Tone?" "Tone?" "Stop fucking about, yeah?" "All right, Blowjob." "Faggot." " Cocksucker!" " Wanker!" "All right, gay boy?" "Fucking get him!" "Get him!" "Tossers." "Sent them the other way." "The fucking cake." "I should've knew it when I saw the hundreds and thousands." "Lemon drizzle." "It's a piece of piss." "Dale." "You can't just treat me like shit and then just... just..." "Ah... fuck it!" "Jim?" "What's wrong?" "Sorry it's so late." "I've lost Tony." "He doesn't answer his phone." "I don't even know if he can." "I can't keep him in." "But..." "He's not right." "Who is?" "Everything's mental." "This competition last week." "Fucking break-dancing Chihuahua." "I mean, what's it come to?" "Right." "You never know what's gonna happen till you're sitting in a hospital." "And I'm thinking, "I've really, really fucked up here, because I'm supposed to stop this happening."" "And now I don't know where he is." "Something happens, suddenly you've lost them." "His friends'll look after him." "What you on?" "Cass sent me a tab." "She misses you, right?" "I don't know what I'm supposed to do." "I go to see him." "I went to see him." "Well, I suppose you deserve some fun." "Those guys just like my tits." "Oh." "Sweet." "You're avoiding me." " You make me think about him." " You're not the only one, Chelle." "I was there every day, trying to get him to say something." "And everybody really, really fucked up and I'm just trying to... to... and nobody comes but me, cos it's so terrible." "You should have fucking helped me." "All right!" "When it happened... before the bus... he was on the phone and he said something." "I don't think he remembers." " But he said..." " Chelle." "Fuck's sake, Sid, I'm trying to tell you this!" "Oh, Jesus!" "Tony?" "Hello." "Wait, I'll go back with you." "Effy's taking me." "I will remember everything." " Where are you going?" " Not now, Sid!" "Got lost." "Where do I fucking live?" "Walter will run him round in the morning." "Look, don't worry yourselves, ok?" "She's a bit upset." "Yeah." "College starts today." "He's in there, love." "Talking, not shouting." "Ok." "Lovely bit of cake, that." "Young Dale's got the magic touch." "He's got that all right." "You're good enough." "Yeah." "I am." "I'm bloody good." "Get it from your old man, probably." "Reckon?" "I'm artistic, yeah." "Not as artistic as you, mind." "Some things is just the way they are." "Yup." "I got lucky, didn't I?" "You didn't turn out like the fucking ASBO Army out there." "No, Dad." "I feel like taking some fucking credit for it." "Ok?" "I'm never gonna be a builder, Dad." "You'll understand this one day, kid." "You're everything I've got to show for my life." "And I'm not ready for you to go, because I fucking love you too much." "I'm an idiot, I know." "I love you, too, Dad." "So if you're not coming building, back to college." "Give me the last year." "And then it's game on." "All right?" "All right." "Taz." "On your bed." "At least the sodding dog does what he's told." "I can register if I write my name." "It's more than that, Tony." "It's not just signing your name." "Then fucking help me!" "Or are you going to be a complete fucking arse-wit" " like everyone fucking else I know?" " Whoa!" "He speaks." "You gotta slow it down." "Stop trying to write." "It's just a shape your hand makes." "Close your eyes and just kinda... dance it." "Tone." "Do I have to gay you now?"