"In last week's episode of Soap," "Carol told Jodie she's pregnant and he's the father, presenting Jodie with a problem that won't disappear." "Because Elaine's father cut her off, her inheritance disappeared, so Elaine and Danny had to move in with Burt and Mary, who wish she'd disappear." "Tim and Corinne are going to be married, and Tim's mother wishes Corinne would disappear." "Chester and Dutch disappeared from prison and had the police looking for them." "Benson, Billy, Eunice, and Corinne disappeared from the dining room and had Jessica looking for them." "Then Jessica disappeared." "Confused?" "You won't be after this week's episode of..." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[♪]" "[SHOUTING]" "All right, Mrs. Tate, you scream for help, and I'll blow your head off." "Do as he says, Jess." "Chester?" "Is that you, Chester?" "Oh, darling, darling, you did escape." "That's right, and we're hiding out here." "Now, all of you just go about doing whatever it is you do, and remember, one word of this, and somebody gets killed." "Oh, don't be silly, but you don't have to hide down here." "We have a perfectly lovely guest room upstairs, with a private bath." "Jess, we've escaped." "We have to hide." "Okay, everybody, get up." "Now, all of you just go about your lives as if nothing was going on." "Fine, I'll go get dessert." "You hold it right there." "Okay, now, everybody, you're all to live perfectly normal lives." "Sure, a normal life with a gun up my nose?" "Billy, don't be rude." "After all, Butch is our guest." "I'm Dutch." "Dutch?" "Hold it right there, buster." "No, you fool, this man is Dutch." "The Dutch are on our side." "I'm very sorry, captain." "Get over there." "Okay, now, remember, one word... one word from anybody, and he dies." "Anything in particular we'd have to say?" "Uh, it's a great meal, darling." "It's really just a wonderful dinner." "[SPITS]" "This stuffing's the pits." "I'll kill her." "I swear, I'll kill her." "Easy, now, Mary, Mary, Mary." "Come on, now." "So we didn't know that Elaine doesn't like stuffing." "She's probably allergic to it and had a reaction." "Just..." "Elaine, please." "Have a nice day today, darling?" "Darling?" "[CLINKING]" "Nice day?" "It was okay." "Come on, Elaine, my mother worked hard on this meal." "I'd rather starve to death." "Why don't you?" "You could stand to lose a few pounds." "Let go of me." "Hey, she didn't mean it, Elaine." "She didn't mean it." "I meant it." "Take it easy." "How was work today, darling?" "[VOICE SQUEAKING] Oh, it's... the usual." "Let's go out for dinner." "Elaine, the way you've been spending dough," "I can't afford it." "You can't afford it?" "You can't afford anything." "That's because you've got the brain of a flea." "Okay." "Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny!" "She's a girl." "Easy, fellow." "So... how do you two guys like working together?" "Oh, it's terrific." "Great." "Sure, one's got a flea brain, and the invisible man's got none at all." "[LETS OUT A WHOOP]" "Easy, easy." "Darling, she's a girl." "[SQUEALS]" "You through with that?" "Uh-huh..." "Uh..." "Why don't we just have some dessert." "It's your favorite, Danny:" "chocolate cream pie." "Oh, God, I hope there's a stomach pump handy." "Take it easy, boys." "Come on, now, we're adults, and for the time being, the four of us are sharing this house together." "We have to learn to live together." "We have to have respect for each other." "We're adults." "Sit down." "We really need that." "Why don't you just apply it directly to your hips?" "[LAUGHING]" "It's not for me, dear." "It's for you." "[GASPS]" "What are you doing here?" "I don't know." "You came all the way up those stairs, and you don't know why?" "Maybe I came up here because I like to look at you." "To look at me?" "Yeah, you're pretty." "No, I'm not pretty." "Sure you are." "No, I'm not." "Hey, you're very pretty." "Listen, you, if you came up here intending to rape me, let me tell you right now it's not going to be any fun at all, because I'll spit in your face." "I'll scratch your eyes out." "Hey, hey." "I'll kill you before I let you..." "Hey..." "Yeah, what?" "I happen to be a killer, not a rapist." "Oh, I love it." "A killer looks down on a rapist." "And if I was a rapist, let me tell you something, I wouldn't rape you..." "But I'm not a rapist." "Oh, and how come you wouldn't rape me?" "Because I'm not pretty?" "No, you are pretty." "You're very pretty." "Why would you think that you're not pretty?" "Because when I was a little girl," "I was fat and I had buck teeth." "I looked like a blowfish..." "And it doesn't matter what anyone says or how I look or what I do." "I still feel like a fat little funny-looking 7-year-old girl." "That's funny." "That's not a bit funny." "No, but that's how I feel." "Like a fat little 7-year-old girl?" "No, like a puny, little, skinny little 9-year-old." "You see, when I was a kid," "I had all these terrible allergies." "I had asthma and hayfever and hives." "You name it, I was allergic to it." "I spent my whole childhood just trying to get a breath, and I was real sickly looking too." "The kids used to call me Worm and beat me up." "Oh..." "When I was 11, I changed my name to Dutch." "They still called me Worm." "It used to make me so mad." "And so you became a killer." "What are you, crazy?" "I was 11." "Oh, yeah." "Worm..." "Can you imagine that, being called Worm?" "Well, listen, they used to call me Butterball." "[CHUCKLES]" "They called you Butterball?" "Mm-hmm." "Everyone except Corinne." "She used to call me Lardo." "Butterball..." "[LAUGHS]" "I think that's kind of cute." "That is not a bit cute." "[LAUGHS]" "How you doing, Butterball?" "Knock it off, Worm." "I can't believe I'm sitting here laughing with a killer." "I can't believe I'm sitting here laughing with a rich girl." "Well..." "You're really very nice." "So are you..." "And you're very pretty." "No." "It's too bad I'm not a rapist." "Oh, Burt." "I know, Mary, I know." "Three meals a day." "I know." "That's 21 meals a week." "I know, Mary." "I wonder how many meals a year that is." "1092." "BOB:" "Chuck." "BOB:" "Chuck!" "Bob, I have a date." "Now, go back to bed and don't wait up, okay?" "I'm going with you." "You're not going." "Yes, I am." "Look, Bob." "Wait a minute, Bob." "No more." "We have been through this how many times?" "You know what I think?" "I think it stinks, that's what I think." "Come on, Bob." "Now, look, if you had the date, I wouldn't go with you." "I mean, I just want to be alone with her." "You'll be alone." "I won't say a word." "I just want to see the movie." "Gee, I got all dressed up and everything." "Chuck, Chuck, go." "I can babysit." "Hey, thanks, Dad." "Yeah, okay, fine, fine, don't take me with you tonight..." "Yeah, yeah." "And I don't go with you to the audition tomorrow." "Come on, Bob." "I mean, that could be a big break for us." "No, you want to be alone." "Well, you can be alone there too." "We'll just see how your career takes off." "Okay, okay, okay, you can come." "Yeah?" "Yeah, but this time, keep your hands off her." "Burt, do you think Chuck might need some professional help?" "No, no, no, no, no," "I just think he's got to discipline Bob more." "That's all." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Oh, my God, they're back." "Oh, Jodie." "How you doing, fellow?" "Fine, great." "Hiya, Ma." "Hello, honey." "How are you?" "Fine, terrific, never felt better in my life." "You know, I felt so good, I had to drive up and say hello." "You've got a problem." "Boy, do I have a problem." "Well... you know, you two guys talk, you know..." "No, Burt, it's okay, you can stay, but please, no cracks, huh?" "I mean, this is serious." "What is it?" "Carol's pregnant, and I'm the father." "[STIFLED WHOOP]" "[CHEERING]" "I knew it, I knew it!" "I knew he wasn't a pansy." "Look at this guy now." "Look at him!" "Burt, this doesn't mean I'm not gay." "Jodie, please, what it means is you're good at it." "The first time, she's pregnant." "It's beginner's luck." "How about this man?" "Look at him here." "Mary, he made a girl pregnant." "Well, I must say, it wasn't something I expected from you." "From Danny, yes, but you..." "Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do about it." "You just do it a few more times, you'll be hooked." "It's like pretzels." "Burt, this is serious." "Burt, Carol is pregnant." "I'm in love with Dennis." "Aww..." "This is not the perfect match." "I mean..." "Mom, what do I do?" "I don't know what to tell you." "I mean, when you were 6, and you came home from day camp because Perry Miller was splashing you," "I could say, "Splash back,"" "but this..." "How can I tell you how to spend the rest of your life?" "I have no frame of reference for this." "I know." "There are not a lot of books written on the subject." "Who'd want to read them?" "I'm going to get some coffee." "Oh, Jodie, I'm sorry." "I don't mean to let you down." "I love you." "I wish I had an answer." "It's okay, Ma, really, it's okay, and your answers aren't so hot anyway, lady." "If you remember, when I splashed Perry Miller, he broke my nose." "He did." "Hi." "Hi." "Were you sitting there watching me?" "Yeah, I guess." "Oh, I look terrible." "I look so awful in the morning." "No, you don't." "You look pretty." "No, I don't." "Sure you do." "You look real pretty." "You've got real pink cheeks, and your eyes are real sparkly." "You look very pretty." "Your breath just smells a little." "Oh..." "That's just because" "I haven't brushed my teeth." "You know, listen." "I'm sorry about last night." "I'm really sorry." "You're sorry?" "Yeah, I shouldn't have, I really shouldn't have." "I mean, I ain't got no business being with a girl like you." "You're used to a whole different class of guy." "It was the best ever, with you." "Well, that's because you probably haven't been with a guy before that hasn't seen a woman in two years." "Where are you going?" "Back to the basement." "Oh, don't go." "What do you want with me?" "I like you." "Come on." "I do." "You like me?" "Get out of here." "I do." "Well, if you like me, I guess I can't be all bad." "You're not bad." "Will I see you tonight?" "I don't think so." "Why?" "Eunice, I'm wanted in 10 states." "10 states!" "I ain't got no future, and if I ain't got no future," "I don't want you to start being special to me." "Am I special to you?" "Am I?" "Go brush your teeth." "Well, Mary, tell me, what is it?" "I mean, you sounded positively frantic over the phone." "You won't believe it." "You will absolutely not believe what is going on in my life." "This is big." "Big?" "Oh, Mary, you don't know what big is, because, of course, you don't know what's going on in my life." "What?" "That Corinne is marrying a priest?" "Corinne?" "Oh, that is nothing." "Well, what is it?" "No, Mary, you tell me yours first, because after I tell you mine, you will not be able to talk." "Okay, but put your cup down first." "Otherwise, you will spill your tea." "Jodie is going to be a father." "Dennis is pregnant?" "No!" "Carol." "Oh, because if it was Dennis, you're right, that's big." "He got a girl pregnant." "My gay son is going to be a father." "That's your news?" "You don't think that's big news?" "No, that's news." "I think that's news, not big news, but news." "Not big news?" "Not compared to mine." "Oh, really?" "Get ready, Mary." "I'm ready, I'm ready." "Mary, what do you think that I have in my basement?" "A thing." "Your big news is about a thing?" "No, Mary, not a thing." "Well, what is it?" "Two killers." "Jessica, what are you talking about?" ""Two killers."" "Two killers, Mary." "I mean, I have two killers in my basement." "Who are they?" "Well, Chester is one of them, but Dutch is the other one." "You mean they came here?" "Yes, Mary, they're hiding out, and Dutch said if we went for help, he'd kill us." "You're kidding." "Uh-uh." "Jessica, that's awful." "You see, I told you." "Mine's bigger." "Well, I don't know if it's bigger, Jessica." "It's awful..." "But I don't know if it's bigger." "Two killers, Mary." "I mean, I think two killers is bigger than a gay guy and one pregnant girl." "Yeah, I guess it's bigger." "Although, yours is big." "Of course it's big." "It's just not bigger." "I would have had you if it had been Dennis." "Ma, it's not your fault." "Oh, Corinne, I'm sorry." "I..." "I mean," "I wanted to give you a wonderful wedding, and now your very own father can't even be here." "Ma, it's all right." "I wonder, do you think it's too late to have the reception down in the basement?" "Oh, Corinne, it's so hard to know what to do when there's an escaped prisoner in the family." "Sorry." "Ma, all I want is to marry Tim, and it's finally going to come true." "I'm happy, Ma, and if you gave me the most elaborate, the fanciest wedding in the whole world, it couldn't make me any happier." "Oh, I love you, Corinne." "I love you." "I love you too, Ma." "I know." "I'll wave to you." "Okay." "[ORGAN MUSIC BEGINS]" "Well, you're about ready?" "Yeah." "How does it feel to break your word?" "What?" "Don't your remember?" "You told me when you were 9 years old that you'd never get married, not in a million years." "Did I really say that?" "Yeah." "It was all on account of a fight you'd had with Tommy Gibbs." "You and he had made some lemonade, and when the fight started, he ran home, and you gave me his share, but what I remember most about it was... we sat on the porch and drank lemonade," "and you called me your best friend." "Oh, Benson..." "You are." "You really are." "Oh, my gosh." "Who is that?" "That's Mrs. Flotsky." "That's Tim's mother." "We never thought she'd come to the wedding." "This is wonderful." "Tim will be so happy." "[ORGAN MUSIC TEMPO QUICKENS]" "Father Tim, what are you doing here?" "I'm getting married." "Didn't you know, Father?" "You mean priests can marry now?" "No, Father, I'm no longer a priest." "Oh." "I thought it seemed too good to be true." "[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]" "And now, if the father of the bride could please take his place with the other guests..." "Excuse me." "[WHISPERS]" "Oh, will the best friend of the bride please take his place with the other guests, yes." "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony." "If any person can show just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now declare it or forever hold his peace." "And now, if the groom..." ""Just cause?" "!" I'll give you just cause." "What right does that bimbo have to take my son's life and turn it into garbage?" "Oh, you could have been a bishop, at least, by now, if it weren't for this tramp, or maybe even a cardinal." "Ma..." "There should be laws against you." "You're a terrible, terrible person." "Yes you are." "Terrible!" "There be no just cause." "Let us proceed." "Tim... do you take Corinne, here present, to be your lawful wife according to the right of the holy church of God?" "I do, Father." "[♪]" "Will Danny and Elaine ever have a relationship that works?" "Will Chuck ever have a relationship with Bob around?" "What will be left of Burt and Mary's relationship living with Danny and Elaine and Chuck and Bob?" "What kind of a relationship could Eunice and Dutch ever have?" "Will Tim's relationship with his mother destroy his relationship with Corinne?" "What kind of relationship can Chester and Jessica have with Chester living in the basement and Jessica living upstairs?" "These questions and many others will be answered on next's week episode of..." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"