"[percussive music]" "Good morning, Rosa." "Whoop, whoop, whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop!" "It's the caffeine police." "You have the right to a cup of coffee." "Oh, thanks." "You didn't have to do that." "Hey, that's what friends are for, and, uh, the lady likes extra soy, right?" "[sobs] Mm-hmm." "There's also almond milk." "I could go back for almond." "[sniffles] I'm sorry." "Oh, my God this is so embarrassing." "Um. [chuckles] [inhales sharply]" "Uh, I broke up with my boyfriend last night." "You what?" "[whispering] What?" "[sighs] Yeah." "What?" "Oh, my God." "[whispers] Yeah." "I am so sorry, Rosa." "[feet tapping]" "You sure it wasn't just, like, a bad fight?" "I mean, I'm..." "I'm just floored." "You guys are so perfect together." "It always seemed like that." "But..." "It's over now." "[feet tap]" "If there's anything I can do, anything at all, just let me know." " Thanks." " Sure." "That's really sweet of you." "Hey, stay put." "I'll get you a tissue." "[Irish jig]" "Here you are." " Oh, thanks." " Sure." "Appreciate it." "[feet tap] [downtempo electronic music]" "♪ ♪" "Ah!" "♪ ♪ [squeaks]" "♪ ♪ [growls]" "♪ ♪ [phone buzzing]" "Mm." "Mm." "[buzzing continues] [sighs]" "Hi." "The thing about love, Liz, is that sometimes fate is the ultimate matchmaker." " Mm-hmm." " Think about it." "The girl of my dreams comes to work in my office at the exact same moment that I have worked on myself and am ready to enter a serious, long-term relationship." "That's really great." "You've had a crush on her for a long time." "Oh, no, no, no, no, this isn't just a crush, Liz." "We're soul mates." "Rosa loves coffee;" "I love getting her coffee." "Rosa loves Junot Díaz;" "I, for a long time, have really wanted to read something by him or her." "[snoring]" "I know Rosa isn't flashy like the "Maxim" magazine type most guys are into, but that's kind of what I love about her." "It's like I'm the only one who can see how special she is." "Uh, I got to go." "Hey, hey, man, uh, what are you guys all waiting for?" "This is the line to ask out Rosa." "What?" "You guys all want to date Rosa?" "What I like most about her is that she isn't flashy like the "Maxim" magazine type most guys are into." "I guess we're all just the only one who can see how special she is." "Gentlemen, I need one straight line here." "We're gonna get as many of you guys in to ask Rosa out as possible, but for now," "I need you to remain in line till she's ready to date." "Also, gentlemen, please stop using the Starbucks bathroom down the street." "Starbucks has informed me they will press charges if you continue to do what you've been doing in there." "I need order;" "I need respect." "O.R." "Hey, no cutting!" "[all groaning]" "He's cutting the line!" "What are you doing?" " Hey, man, when..." " Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "When... when... when do you think they're gonna start letting people in?" "First off, I need you to back off and keep your hands to yourself." " I w..." " If you touch me with your hands, I have the authority to tase you." "Jesus Christ." "Uh, okay." "Uh, but what do you think, ballpark?" "Could be a little while." "You know, Rosa's still dealing with the heartbreak." "I think right now she just wants to be" " with family and friends, okay?" " Yeah." "Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." " I'm a friend." "I'm a..." " Sir, your hands." "Okay, I know, yeah, my hands." " Gotta keep 'em." " Gotta keep 'em." "I'm a friend." "You're her friend?" "Yes." "What's your name?" "Josh Greenberg." "Hold on." "Yeah, got a guy here says he's a friend." "[babbling]" "Josh Greenberg." "That's Golf, Romeo, Echo, Echo..." " Check." " Yeah, you got it." " [babbles]" " Okay." " [babbling]" " Okay, are you sure?" "[babbles] 5'10", 145." "Maybe 5 1/2, 6." " [babbling]" " Okay." "All right, fine, I'll let him know." "Stevie?" "Take one of these." "Put that on." " Let's do it." " Follow me." "Hey, cool, cool." "[all groaning, booing] All right, come this way." " This is a friend, guys, relax." " Sorry, sorry, sorry." "It's a platonic friend." "We got Greenberg." "Sorry." "[elevator bell dings] Coming through." " Platonic friend coming through." " Sorry, sorry, guys." "Look out, friend coming through." " I need you to move." " Sorry, sorry." " Purely platonic." " I'm a friend." "I got one of these." "I don't make the rules." "I don't make the rules." " You can go right that way." " Thank you." "Hey, Rosa." "Hello, Josh." "How's the scanning going?" "Tedious." "Just got to do these and those, and then I am done." " Oh." "It's okay." " Oh!" " Oh, shit." " It's okay." "It's okay." " Oh, my God." " Ahh." "[light instrumental music]" "Oh, no." "I had to do it." "I'm so sorry." "Uh, have... have a good weekend." "Yeah, I hope so." "I just found out I have to move out of my ex's on Saturday." "Oh, no, seriously?" " Yeah." " That sucks." "Uh, do you... do you want a hand?" "Moving?" "You don't have to do that." "You would do that?" "Yeah, that's what friends are for, right?" "All right, thanks." "All right, I'll just..." "Yeah." "I'm a friend." "We're best friends." "I will shoot. [Taser crackling]" "I told you guys to stay in line!" "Bunch of freaks." "This is what happens." "Ow, ow, ow, ow." " Got it?" " Yeah, yeah." "Ow." "[upbeat music]" "Whoo!" "♪ ♪ [box clatters] [rug thuds]" "♪ ♪" "So what's your favorite guilty pleasure movie then?" ""Titanic."" "Mm-mm, no, because any movie that's won an Academy award..." " Yeah." " Can't be considered a guilty pleasure." "All right, uh, then, uh... if pressed... [clears throat]" "I would say that I have a passing affinity for, uh... "Must Love Dogs."" "Are you serious?" "You asked me. [chuckles]" " I love "Must Love Dogs."" " No." "I've never met anyone else who loves "Must Love Dogs."" "You really love "Must Love Dogs."" "Yeah, like, you give it a chance, it's actually... both:" "Surprisingly not bad." " Yes!" " Yes." "And John Cusack is just... both:" "Doing his best with the material!" " Yes!" " Hey." "[laughs] That's it." " Yay!" " Yes!" "That is a television for watching programs on." "[laughs] Thank you." "Yeah, of course." "I really appreciate all the help today." "My pleasure." "It was my... no, I... actually had a lot of fun doing it, so..." "Me too." "Yeah." "[indistinct chatter, laughter on TV]" "Yeah, okay, uh, so I'll split then." "All right." "Um, I'll see you on Monday." " Yeah, Monday, all right." " Yeah, Monday." " Yeah, Mondays." " [laughs]" " All right, so..." " All right, so..." "Great story, Bob." "Well, that's it for the local news." "Both:" "Yeah." "Stay tuned for tonight's late-night movie," ""Must Love Dogs."" "[dogs barking] Are you" " Holy shit." " That's scary." "That's... [both laugh]" "I didn't plan this." " Yeah." " [laughs]" "Um, I mean, should we..." "Oh, just watch, like, the first scene." "Or watch until the part where the... both:" "Dogs pull her into the pond." " Yes." " Oh, my God, all right." " So that's clearly..." " Yeah." " What's going to happen." " [laughs] So sudden." "All right. both:" "Ching ching." "[laughs] [puppies squeaking] [sweeping orchestral music] [dog barking] man:" "I don't know why I didn't see it sooner." "I don't know why I waited so long to kiss you." "Woman:" "Stop talking about kissing and just kiss me already." "[groans] [dog barking]" "♪ ♪" "Boy, these two sure do love dogs, don't they?" "[whispering] They love those dogs." "♪ ♪ [dogs barking] [dramatic musical fanfare]" "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you some breaking news." "An asteroid is headed towards Earth and will destroy the planet in exactly seven minutes." " What?" " What?" "Oh, my God, look!" "Mother of shit!" "[people screaming faintly]" "Asteroidologists have advised that you all remain right where you are for these, our last seven minutes on Earth." "We also advise that if there's something you've been meaning to do, even something a little risky, to use these last few precious moments and go for it." "We repeat, this is your last chance to do that thing you want to do." "Uh... [grunts]" "Uh, Rosa, I've been thinking about this all night." "There's something I need to know." "Um... [asteroid rumbling]" "What is the name of the actor that plays a veterinarian in the "Must Love Dogs"?" "[rumbling continues]" "I don't know." "Yeah, no, we'll figure... we can..." "We'll figure it out later." "We got..." "We got five minutes to figure that out." "Yeah." "Again, we cannot stress enough, do that thing you want to do." "[dramatic music]" "Oh, what the hell." "[romantic music]" "Bret, I wanted you to do that for so long." "Oh." "I couldn't not do it." "I'm a man, after all." "Yeah, you are, Bret." "Yeah, yeah." "♪ ♪" "Rosa?" "[sighs] Yes, Josh?" "Um..." "Ah, what the hell." " Whoa." "No." " Oh." "Oh, oh." "No, no." "No, no." " I'm so sorry." " [groans]" "I'm sorry I gave you that impression." "I think you are so great..." " Oh, good." " And so sweet..." " Thank you." " And so funny..." " Thank you." " And so..." "But I want to be your friend so bad." " Yeah." " Because that's, like, the highest level of intimacy, really, if you think about it, and I'm..." "I'm really sorry." "No, stop." "Would you stop?" "I'm sorry." "I'm the one..." "I'm..." "I'll tell you what." "Uh, at least we won't have to have that awkward conversation at work on Monday morning..." " Ah." " You know, 'cause... [rumbling continues]" "We'll all be dead." "[dramatic musical fanfare]" "Some heroes have successfully exploded the asteroid." "The Earth is saved. [sighs]" "We'll all be able to go to work on Monday." "[bleep]." "I think we'll remember this moment for the rest of our lives... where we were, who we were with, what they tried to do to you." "We now return to "Must Love Dogs."" "[goofy music] [dogs barking]" "So, yeah, I'm..." "I'm gonna take off, I think." "Okay." "I..." " Okay." " All right." "Wait, Josh, I'm..." "Yeah?" "[gentle music]" "Thank you so much for helping me move..." " in today." " Yeah, no, you're welcome." "Um... ♪ ♪ [bright instrumental music] [people cheering]" "Yahoo!" "Whoo!" "[upbeat whistling]" "♪ ♪ [fireworks booming]" "♪ ♪ [upbeat whistling]" "♪ ♪" " Whoo, whoo!" " Whoo-hoo!" "[upbeat whistling]" "♪ ♪" "And then she flat-out turned me down." "It was, like, maybe one of the worst moments of my life." "Bummer, man." "Oh, can I have a chicken burrito?" "It's just not fair, you know?" "I put in the man hours." "All right, I got her coffee every morning." "I listened to her problems about her stupid ex-boyfriend." "I-I helped her move, for God sakes." "Michael, I helped the woman move." "What... what more does she want from me?" "For real." "You know, plain truth, girls just don't want to date nice guys." "Never have, never will." "For real." "Like, why... why isn't it just that you date the guy who's nicest to you?" "There should be a law." "For real." "For real." "And then she rejected me on the very couch that, earlier that afternoon, I had helped her move, so I ask you, please consider my bill, because in my America, fair is fair." "Thank you." "So you want us to enact a law that would require women to date nice guys?" "Yes." "Interesting." "Seems rather reasonable." "Nice guys being rewarded for being nice guys." "And the girl would get something out of it." "She'd get to be with the nice guy." "That doesn't make any sense." "Just because a man is nice to you doesn't mean you..." "Good point, Louise." " Now a question for you." " Mm-hmm." "Hypothetically, if a guy was very nice to, say, another judge, was always complimenting her on her good points, would that mean that she would have to date that man?" "Absolutely." "From this day forward, if a guy is really, really nice to you, he gets to be your boyfriend." "The "Nice" law is officially passed." "[triumphant music]" "That isn't even how we pass a law." "Another good point, Louise." "♪ ♪" "Yeah!" "[upbeat techno music]" "♪ ♪" "♪ Shake it ♪" "♪ ♪" "Mm, thanks, man." "[line trilling]" "Hey, this is Rosa." "I'm away from my phone right now, so please leave a message." "Thanks." " Hey." " Oh!" "Jesus!" "Oh, sorry, you just... you scared me." "I didn't mean to scare you." "I just wanted to say you're welcome." "What?" "I held the door open for you out there." "Oh, yeah, uh, that was very nice of you." "You're welcome." "Hey, hey, hey, oh, whoa, what are you doing there, man?" "Just following the law." "If a guy's nice to you, he gets to be your boyfriend." "Okay, okay, okay." "Very good." "I now see where you might've gotten a little confused." "All right, I came up with that law... because there was this girl named Rosa that I was very nice to..." "Like how I was nice to you." "And I really liked her." "Like how I really like you." "Okay, mister..." "Chainsaw." "You seem like... you seem like a nice man, but I really think we would be better off as just friends." "Oh." "[melancholy music]" "I get it now." "I get it now." "Just because I was nice to Rosa doesn't mean she has to sleep with me." "She has the right to sleep with or not sleep with whomever she wants; it's up to her;" "and I just have to live with it." "Wow, sounds like you really learned something today." "I think I really did." "Okay, let's go before my balls explode." "[zipper buzzes] Oh, my God." "Wait, help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Is everything okay in here?" "Oh, thank God." "Officers, you came just in time." "This..." "lovely man..." " Chainsaw." " This man, Chainsaw, in a bit of irony that is not lost on me, has just proven to me that a law I came up with was actually a really horrible idea." "Sounds like you really learned your lesson." "Good." "Phew, good." "All right." "Uh, so can things just go back to how they used to be?" "Absolutely, yeah, yeah, once the law is repealed, which, as you know, is a lengthy and complex process." "You know, you can start by writing to your local congressman." "Thank you." " Well, have a good sex." " Yep." " Thanks, officers." " Thanks, guys." "[light instrumental music]" "I... do you like to make out a bit, or..." "Sort of." "You'll see." "Hey, babe?" "Yeah?" "I was kind of thinking Belcourt for brunch because they have those great Bellinis." "Yeah, okay." "And then maybe swing by the flea market." "Wait a second." ""Nice law repealed." "Nice law repealed."" "Chainsaw, you and I... are officially broken up." "What about Jackie's wedding?" "What?" "So... okay." "Uh, we just won't go then." "Well, we already RSVP'd for two." "You can't back out on RSVPs." "They paid ahead for each person." "[chuckles]" "Yeah, right." "Um..." "Okay, so, we... we'll go, uh, but we'll go as friends." "Friends." "Yeah." "[tense string music] [voice breaking] I'll see you at the wedding." "Yeah, it doesn't have to be like that." "♪ ♪" "I gave you everything!" "[door rattles closed]" "You know, I'm happy he's gone, but that guy made the best boot stew I ever had." "Mm-hmm, those were some fun dinner parties too." "But the main thing is, Rosa and I are back to normal." "I actually even invited her to..." " Hey." "Hi." " Hey, there she is." " What's up, Josh?" " Hi." " Rosa, this is my friend Mike." " Hi." "Friend Mike, this is my friend Rosa." " Nice to meet you." " You too." "I'm gonna go get some chips." "I'll be right back." "You know, I just want her to be happy, you know." "I... so I'm saying it." "Rosa should date whoever she wants." "For real." "[Mr. Dream's "Palace Complex"]" "[upbeat rock music]" "♪ ♪"