"Good evening, America." "Tonight we present a full hour of Family Guy, beginning with a very special extended episode, followed by some never-before-seen musical clips." "That's right." "So, without further ado, here's a little episode entitled "Stewie and Brian."" "Well, actually, it's called "Brian and Stewie."" "Really?" "Shouldn't it be person before animal, like Turner and Hooch?" "I don't think that movie is a good example." "Of anything." "Besides, it's alphabetical." "You asked to have your name first, didn't you?" "Ladies and gentlemen, here's "Brian and Stewie."" "Pathetic." "Hurry up." "We still have to swing by Wyndham's before they close." "Relax." "I'm almost done." "And why do you have a safety deposit box anyway?" "What's in there that you can't bury in the yard?" "I have things." "You have a dead bird in there?" "What are you gonna do with that?" "I was gonna take it home, show it to Lois, make her proud of me." "Hey, I'm starving." "You want to grab a late lunch?" "Can't." "I'm Jenny Craig-ing." "Already paid for the meals." "And if I want to return this sweater, we've got to get to Wyndham's by half 6:00." "Half 6:00?" "Yes." "You have to return it within a fortnight for a refund." "I love it, but I feel like it was too much." "Cute, right?" "It's Thom Browne." "It was over $3,000." "You spent $3,000 on a sweater?" "!" "What's it to you?" "That's the most idiotic thing" "I've ever heard." "You're a moron." "A pretentious moron." "Drop dead." "I was returning it anyway." "Where'd you even get that kind of money?" "None of your damn business, that's where." "You know, today started as a really nice outing, but as usual, you had to ruin it." "I had to ruin it?" "Yeah, you." "You know, I-I was actually hoping that you'd talk me out of returning this sweater." "So, you're right;" "I guess I am a moron." "You know, it's the one time I ever splurged on myself, and you have to go and make me feel foolish." "Look, I didn't..." "Save it, okay?" "I'll be waiting outside under the porte cochere." "It's my own fault for thinking I could have pretty things." "I'm not having fun anymore." "I feel you should know that." "(door clanks)" "What was that?" "(grunting)" "I don't believe this." "Hello?" "!" "Hello?" "!" "We're locked in!" "(sniffs)" "Did you... did you just crap your diaper?" "I got scared when the door closed." "♪ It seems today that all you see ♪" "♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪" "♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪" "♪ On which we used to rely?" "♪" "♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪" "♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪" "♪ All the things that make us ♪" "♪ Laugh and cry ♪" "♪ He's... a..." "Fam... ily..." "Guy!" "♪" "Family Guy 8x17 Brian and Stewie Original Air Date on May 2, 2010" "(knocking)" "Hey!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Somebody!" "We're trapped in here!" "You're wasting your breath." "These bank vault doors close automatically at the end of the workday." "This thing won't be open again till tomorrow." "Well, there's got to be some way out of here." "Think!" "I don't know." "You think of something." "Well, I have no idea!" "So, you invented a time machine, but you can't get us out of a safe?" "Yeah, that's science." "I'm not Houdini." "Can't believe this." "We're locked in here until tomorrow and the only thing I've eaten today was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast." "It took me half an hour just to get the damn thing off the floor." "I'm uncomfortable." "You have to change me." "I'm not changing you." "We don't even have any diapers." "Oh, my God, that smell is making me sick." "(groans)" "Oh, thank you for making me more self-conscious." "I'm not gonna be able to stay like this until tomorrow, you know." "Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about it." "You don't?" "No, I don't." "Stop looking at me like that." "Look, I'm ing to propose something, and I need you to hear me out." "Will you promise me you'll do that?" "I guess." "You guess or you will?" "Yes, I'll hear you out." "Okay, well, I can't be in a soiled diaper until tomorrow, Brian;" "we both know that." "I'll get a rash, which could lead to an infection if left like this." "All-all right, fine, I'll take the diaper off." "That doesn't really solve our problem, now, does it?" "Yes, it does." "No, it doesn't though, really." "See, you're, you're not..." "(chuckles) you're not really thinking this through." "W-We would still be faced with the problem of the odor, you see." "And-and, of course, you know, then what am I gonna do with no diaper?" "I'm-I'm not gonna walk around here with-with my Tic Tac hanging out." "I-I need a clean diaper." "I told you, we don't have any clean diapers." "Well, well, no, I mean, not right now we don't, no." "But if-if the poo were to be removed..." "I'm not following you." "If the poo were to be removed..." "W-What does that...?" "What are you driving at?" "Eat it." "What?" "Eat it, Brian." "You're out of your (bleep) mind." "Now, you promised you'd hear me out." "Besides, is it really that big a deal?" "You just said yourself that you're starving." "And, you know, I've seen you eat poop before, Brian." "Yeah, mine!" "Is that really a huge distinction?" "It is to me!" "I can't even..." "How would..." "You..." "That's sick!" "That is sick!" "How messed up in the head are you that y-you would even ask?" "Look, okay, okay, just calm down, okay?" "(groans)" "We're not, we're not..." "we're just talking." "We're not doing anything yet." "All right, we're just talking." "Nobody's doing anything at this point." "Dogs sometimes eat feces." "It's not a judgment;" "it's just a fact." "So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my fanny and then put the diaper back on me." "Probably lick my fanny." "Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too." "There is no way any of that is happening." "Well, I don't see a way around it, do you?" "I would shoot myself first." "Well, how you gonna shoot yourself?" "There's no gun in here." "There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there?" "(both grunting)" "(gun cocks)" "Stewie, come on." "You don't know how to use that thing." "Oh, really?" "What if I hold it sideways like a black guy?" "Whoa, whoa, come on, man." "Take it easy, all right?" "I-I don't want any trouble." "There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo." "That's not happening." "Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you." "Go ahead." "There aren't any bullets in that gun." "I don't believe you." "Then shoot me." "I will." "I will!" "Do it." "Then do it!" "What are you waiting for?" "Go on!" "I will!" "I'll blow your (bleep) head off!" "Wait a minute." "Don't you have your cell phone with you?" "(gasps) You're right!" "Oh, no, low battery." "I have to make this call count." "Hurry up." "It's ringing." "Oh, thank God." "Come on, come on." "Yes, hi." "Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please?" "Thank you." "What are you doing?" "!" "This will just take a second." "Give me that!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin." "Uh, who am I talking to?" "Hi, Matthew." "I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago." "Yes, I was going to see" "The Bounty Hunter that night." "Well, I enjoyed it very much." "Thank you." "Good memory, my word." "Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and..." "Give me the damn phone!" "Hey!" "Stop it." "Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today." "Is it possible to get an extension on that refund?" "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "No exceptions, I see." "So you're telling me if I was James Franco calling," "I would still not be able to get an extension for one day?" "Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager." "(whispers):" "I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly." "Hey!" "Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back..." "It's dead." "You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?" "!" "A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with." "Oh, this day." "(grunts)" "Ow." "You stink!" "And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us!" "That really hurt." "Just get away from me!" "I can't even look at you!" "Well, I'm-I'm sorry." "Don't be mad." "Don't!" "(sniffles)" "(sniffles)" "(sighs)" "All right, I'll do it." "What are you talking about?" "(sighs)" "I can't leave you like this." "But you have to swear never to tell anybody." "(gasps) You mean, you're gonna eat my..." "Yeah, no, no, I won't tell anybody." "I swear!" "Okay, how should we do it?" "I-I guess it's dealer's choice, really." "I suppose the easiest way would be to use the diaper as a-a bowl of sorts." "Do you know how to take it off?" "No, I've never done it myself." "Mum does it." "All right, well, we should get your overalls off first." "I know how to do the snaps." "There." "I did it." "Okay, good." "Now let's get your feet out." "(giggles)" "I can't believe we're doing this." "Oh, really smells bad, doesn't it?" "Yeah." "You sure you can't stay like this?" "I'm getting a rash, Brian." "I can feel it." "Okay, okay, I can do this." "All right, lay down." "It's so amazing to me that you know how to do that." "It's-it's like watching someone do algebra." "I just have no conception of how it's done." "Oh, God!" "(gagging, coughing)" "Okay, you ready?" "Okay." "(breathing deeply)" "Ah, don't do it right here!" "I don't want to watch!" "What?" "Take it over there." "Do it in the corner." "It's gross!" "It's your poop!" "Yeah, but it's your..." "activity, you know?" "It's... it's your..." "it's your thing... (sighs)" "(gasping)" "(panting)" "I can't finish!" "You have to!" "How would we explain it half-eaten?" "There's no going back from this." "(gagging)" "(groans)" "(gasps)" "It's done." "Got some dessert for you." "You've gotta be kidding me." "Come on." "It's throw-up." "You like throw-up." "I do." "I do like throw-up." "All right, now let's get this diaper back on you." "Mmm, there's just one part left." "What are you talking about?" "There's nothing left." "Look, the diaper's completely clean." "Yeah, yeah, but my ass isn't." "You have to clean my ass." "Oh, God, Stewie, there's got to be a line!" "Brian, this is the most important part." "You've seen Lois with those sanitary wipes." "She gets all up in my biznatch with those." "No, no way." "I could get really sick." "Look, there's hardly anything on it." "This will take one second, and then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us." "If you ever..." "I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody ever." "Now go on." "Get started." "All right, here goes." "Oh, and just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be surpri... ♪ Moon river!" "♪" "Oh, by God, there..." "there it goes." "(sighs)" "Brian, you rock." "Thank you so much for doing this." "Oh, wait." "I-I can do this part." "So... yeah." "Thanks." "I feel a lot better now." "(sniffs) Smell's gone." "Look, I hope this hasn't created anweirdness between us." "I mean, it's not that strange what happened." "What'd you eat?" "Italian Wedding Soup." "Oh, actually, it wasn't bad." "I know, right?" "!" "Jenny Craig, can you believe?" "Only 220 calories." "Probably less for you." "You know, I think I missed my nap today." "I'm sleepy." "Well, why don't you lie down?" "I think I will." "(sighs)" "Brian?" "What?" "I just realized something." "What?" "Tomorrow's Sunday." "(bleep)" "(Stewie snoring softly)" "Guess this is as good a time as any." "Ah...." "Mmm, whatcha doin'?" "Oh." "Hey." "Just needed a little drink." "Was kind of saving it, but, uh... what the hell, right?" "Saving it for what?" "It's not important." "Want a sip?" "You're offering me some?" "It's liquor, isn't it?" "Yeah, it's liquor." "Babies aren't supposed to have liquor." "This would be the most naughty thing ever." "Do you want a sip or not?" "(giggles)" "Yeah, yeah!" "But I don't want to get too buzzed." "People take advantage of kids when they're buzzed." "It's so easy, and I wouldn't even remember." "So don't you try anything." "Try what?" "I already practically French-kissed your butt." "Yeah, there was no practically about that." "Mmm, smooth." "I like what comes out of Lois' breasts better, but I, I like this, too." "Ah..." "Oh, starting' to..." "starting' to feel that." "Oh." "You know," "I-I like, I like hanging out with you, Brian." "I feel like, I feel like a big boy right now." "Yeah, this isn't so bad, right?" "It's like a very private party." "Mmm, I feel like dancing." "Yeah, you know how to move." "That is real..." "You..." "Wow, that is awesome." "I'm really impressed." "Oh, wait, I can hurdle my own leg like they used to do in the '90s." "(slurring):" "Okay, all right, you know, this is gonna sound really weird." "This is gonna sound really weird, but I really want you to do it, okay?" "Wha... what?" "First you have to say that you'll do it before I tell you, no mat..." "no matter what it is." "All right." "Really?" "!" "Yeah." "Sure, w-what is it?" "I want you to pierce my ear." "Let's do it." "You mean it?" "Because I-I..." "Look-look at my face." "I'm totally serious." "Are you totally serious?" "I-I'm with ya." "I'm on the train!" "You have...?" "Do you have a needle?" "Uh, uh, ooh, there's a pin in the sweater." "Here." "Oh, my God!" "This is happening!" "This is really happening!" "Oh, you know, I think this is going to look so good on me." "This, this..." "You know what else?" "Oh, maybe I'll buy a glove with no knuckles." "Aren't we supposed to, like, heat it or something?" "I don't care." "I really..." "I don't give a..." "I'm all worked up right now, so we have to do it." "Just do it, okay?" "Before..." "Wha-what are we drinking anyway?" "Glenfiddich." "♪ Love her!" "♪" "Oh, you know what?" "I'll just sterilize it in the scotch." "You just sterilize it in the scotch." "Why didn't...?" "It's, it's..." "Bitch, sterilize that bitch up, you know?" "You know, I don't, I don't know why I told Matthew that I liked, that I liked The Bounty Hunter 'cause I hated it." "I just, I wanted him to like me in that moment." "And that's why I said it." "I don't..." "Why do I..." "why do I do that?" "Why do I...?" "Why am I such a people pleaser, you know?" "When, when is it Stewie's turn, you know?" "I, I, I'm..." "I voted for McCain." "Okay, left ear." "Left, left ear." "Right now." "Stick it in." "me on, dude." "Can I just..." "can I just say before...?" "Can we just, like, take two...?" "I-I love..." "You're so brave." "I just love how brave you're being right now." "This is like the closest I've ever felt to you." "Okay." "Oh, my God," "I was thinking the same thing." "We are so "us" right now." "Do you..." "do you know that?" "Okay, okay." "Okay, here we go." "(screams)" "Oh, my God!" "Oh!" "Are you okay?" "Is it over?" "I think." "I-I don't know where the pin went." "Mov..." "Wait, move your hand." "Oh, wow!" "Oh, (bleep)!" "What?" "What?" "What is it?" "There's so much blood." "Ew...!" "It's stuck in there." "I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through." "Ew!" "Get it out!" "(screams)" "Got it." "How's it look?" "Cool." "Really?" "Oh, that's good." "Oh, I knew it was..." "I knew it would look... it would look cool." "We don't..." "Wait." "Don't we have to put an earring in it so the hole won't close?" "I don't think it's gonna close." "I can't believe..." "I can't believe I have pierced ears." "I'm one of those people who I talk about." "Finally, no more clip-ons, you know?" "No..." "Hey, give me some of that." "Don't hog that there." "Give me some of that." "It looks... it looks really good, Stewie." "I wish we had a mirror 'cause I-I-I actually did a really good job." "Oh, yeah, it's awesome." "I'm not worried." "Mmm, cozy." "So, um, question." "Yeah?" "This is gonna seem stupid, but I've been dying to know." "The Dog Whisperer." "Wha... what is that?" "Is any, is any of that true?" "Oh, my God, I'm sorry." "I've offended you." "No, no, no, no, not at all, Stewie, no." "No, it's, some, some of that stuff, some of that stuff is right on." "Really?" "Wow." "Well, give me a "for instance."" "Well, the guy talks about..." "Cesar Millan." "Right, Cesar Millan talks about living in the moment because that's how dogs live, you know?" "We live in the moment." "I so don't live in the moment." "I'm always, "Oh, remember that petting zoo?"" "Or "I can't wait to go to Florida."" "I'm never, I'm never, like, really present." "You know, you-you gotta help me work on that." "Oh, definitely." "Definitely, man." "Live with purpose, you know?" "Celebrate every day." "He talks about all those things that dogs do." "Like, we do that." "Dogs do that." "It's instinctual." "In us, you know?" "It's like I can't not do it." "That's kind of what his whole thing is." "Such beautiful lessons." "I hope he's not Mexican." "There's something off about him, but I hope it's not that." "You know, people can learn a lot from dogs, you know?" "A lot." "Like, we're like, like here's us..." "We're, like, "Yeah!" "Yeah!"" "Like that. "Yeah!" "Yeah!"" "Okay, sure, sure, relax, relax." "It's just, well, you don't..." "I mean, you don't really do any of those things, do you?" "Yeah, I do." "Wait." "What are you talking about?" "It's just, I don't know..." "I mean, do you, you really live with purpose?" "How could you say that to me?" "Just callin' it like I see it." "Listen, why, why don't..." "why don't you..." "You know what?" "You can just go to hell!" "Hey, whoa, whoa." "Look, I didn't mean to start anything." "Let's just forget it, okay?" "We're... we're having a good time." "I don't want to forget it." "How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose." "No, that's not what I said." "That's what you're saying." "No, no, no." "Don't do that." "Don't try to turn my words on me." "And you know what, take that sweater off." "It makes you look queer." "Okay, well, now you're just bein' a dick." "Well, you might as well get used to it." "You're gonna be hearing a lot worse once you go to school." "Are you trying to hurt me?" "Because you've succeeded." "Oh, just calling it like I see it." "Oh, I see." "Is that what we're doing?" "All right, well, I'll play that game with you." "Oh, yeah?" "What are you gonna do?" "You think I care about you?" "I don't." "Yes, you do." "I know you do." "I don't really care." "No, you're just smart enough and you're just clever enough to occasionally amuse me." "If I had anybody else-- anybody else to choose from" " I would." "You are the best of a bad situation." "Nothing more." "I use you, man." "Yeah, I would know if you were using me." "Oh, oh, you would?" "I got you to eat my poop." "And you know why I did it?" "Yeah, you were afraid you were going to get sick." "Because I wanted to see if I could." "What?" "Come on, Brian, I spend half the day in a dirty diaper." "I was bored." "Just passing the time." "I thought, "How low can I get this douchebag to go?"" "Oh, my God!" "And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you." "There." "Your turn." "You're a monster." "Hey, you started this whole thing." "You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that!" "Oh, really?" "Well, how convenient." "You got a gun right there." "Here you go, Brian." "You want to kill me?" "Kill me with this." "Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there?" "Yeah, there are." "I lied." "Oh, you're so full of crap." "Besides, if you shot me, it'd all be caught on that security camera." "Security cam..." "Oh, my God, maybe somebody can see us!" "Hey, hey, somebody help!" "We're in here!" "No one's out there, Brian." "They would have come in." "Save your energy." "Oh, my God." "What?" "It's all on tape." "What's all on tape?" "(laughing) Oh." "Oh, my God, oh, that is gonna be on YouTube." "Oh, God." "Everybody that works in an office is gonna say to their coworkers," ""Hey, type in 'dog, baby, heinie lick.'" "Check this out."" "And then the boss is gonna say, "Hey, what are you doing there?" "Oh, yeah, that's funny." "I saw that in my room."" ""Okay, now type in 'Japanese, fish, ass.'"" "I am gonna be so humiliated." "Well, I could save you the embarrassment and shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets in this gun." "(both screaming)" "I'm sorry, Stewie." "Me, too." "How long is this gonna last?" "No idea." "(breathing deeply)" "Hope I'm not bothering you." "Nope." "Just doing some stretching." "Maybe a few poses." "You'll tell me if I'm bothering you, right?" "Uh-huh." "I know what you're thinking." "Stewie's so late to the yoga party." "I'm not even any good." "Right?" "I mean, I'm okay." "You know, I'm not the worst in the class." "I've even been singled out a few times." "Probably because it's mostly pregnant women in the group." "Still, Brody must see something." "Although I certainly don't." "But then again I'm not the instructor, am I?" "Oh, yuck." "What happened to my ear?" "We pierced it." "Oh, yeah." "Lot of crazy (bleep) went on last night." "Well, we were both drunk." "Oh, of course, of course." "Oh, yes, that's right." "We were four pillows to the breeze, my friend." "I don't know what the phrase is." "W-w-what're you..." "what are you reading?" "David Copperfield." "It looks old." "It's a first edition." "That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box." "It's by Charles Dickens." "Ha." "Giggity." "What are you doing?" "I was hungry." "You want one?" "You've had energy bars this whole time?" "!" "You idiot!" "Not energy bars." "Jenny Craig Anytime Bars." "And you just bitched yourself out of a bite." "All right, I'm sorry." "All right, can I have one, please?" "All right." "Can you give me a caramel one?" "No." "You can have... um..." "You can have..." "um... you can have strawberry yogurt." "I don't like strawberry yogurt." "Oh, picky for someone who eats the same food out of a plastic bowl on the floor every night." "Okay, I get it." "A bowl that starts in the kitchen at the beginning of a meal and ends up in the living room." "Shut up." "And then forgets four seconds later that he ate it." "Shut up!" "Ooh, harsh tone, you just got bumped down to coconut mint." "(sighs)" "Hey, Bri?" "Yeah?" "How come you have a gun?" "I don't know." "What do you mean you don't know?" "You... you..." "what about all that liberal crap you're always spewing about stricter gun regulations?" "You even cried after Columbine." "Because that was a national tragedy." "Oh, it was kind of a regional tragedy." "Whatever." "It's just weird, you know?" "I mean, you're the last person anybody would expect to have a gun." "Well, that's why I keep it here where it's safe." "That doesn't make any sense." "Why have it if you're not gonna use it?" "(gasps) Is it like a sexual thing?" "No." "Oh, that's a relief." "I hate the idea of you getting your thrills pressing a gun up against your crotch." "Ugh, just picturing it gives me the willies." "You know, I really don't want to talk about this with you, Stewie." "Okay, okay, I respect that." "Thank you." "Are you sure it's not a sexual thing?" "I'm sure." "Oh, good, 'cause that'd be strange if you had fantasies about pressing a gun up against your crotch and feeling your heartbeat through your balls." "Please tell me why you have it." "I said I don't want to talk about it." "But I want to know." "Just tell me." "Come on." "No." "Come on, please." "(sighs)" "I keep it in case..." "I ever want to commit suicide, okay?" "Wow." "Oh." "Oh, my God." "You're... you're serious." "But why, Brian?" "You wouldn't understand." "You're just a kid." "Well, I could try." "I don't know." "Sometimes it's... all too much." "What is?" "Life." "Everything." "Just having the gun here, knowing there's a way out, it... it helps." "Yes, but a gun... it's so messy." "What about pills?" "Even hanging yourself is better." "At least then you might grow an inch or two while you're hanging there." "Of course, when they find you, you might have those Illeana Douglas eyes." "Hmm." "So, um, why the gun?" "It just seemed the quickest way, I guess." "I suppose." "But I-I-I don't quite understand why you're so unhappy." "Yesterday when you said I don't live with purpose... you were right." "I don't." "What purpose does my life have?" "I don't like when you talk like this." "Oh, it's true, Stewie." "Dogs are supposed to be able to instinctively live with purpose, not even to have think about it, just born like that." "But I wasn't." "You know, I've tried to find meaning in my life, and I just..." "I just can't." "And that bottle of Scotch?" "I was saving it for my last drink." "Wow, heavy." "And, you know, I'm not talking about purpose in the shallow, Rick Warren over-the-counter self-help variety because that's..." "that's just delusion." "That's not real." "I mean, is there ever a time when we're truly in the present moment and not looking toward the past or the future?" "I mean, right there, in the moment?" "I get that way when I watch Handy Manny." "So is that why we came here?" "Were you gonna end it?" "No, I was just putting money in my Christmas club." "God, I have to get one of those." "You know, last year I only had $30 saved when the holidays came around." "I was so embarrassed." "I think I gave Meg tape." "Well, you're the... only person I've ever told this to." "Aren't you gonna say anything?" "Well, I don't know what to say." "Wanting to kil yourself, I..." "Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you." "How is that selfish?" "What would I do if you weren't here?" "Hmm?" "You're the only one who makes my life bearable." "I thought you said I was the best of a bad situation." "I was just trying to hurt you 'cause you hurt me." "But the truth is... you're my only friend, Brian." "If I didn't have you, I'd be lost." "You'd be okay." "No, I wouldn't." "I don't really care for anybody else." "Just you." "You're the only one I like." "Well... thanks." "I like you a lot." "I guess you could say I... really like you." "I would even dare to go a little further perhaps." "I care a great deal about you." "A very great deal." "Maybe even... deeper than that." "I..." "I..." "I love you." "I mean, not in like a "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party,"" "or whatever grownups do when they're in love, but I mean," "I mean, I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without." "Well, I...." "I love you, too, Stewie." "You give my life purpose." "And maybe, maybe that's enough." "Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another." "Thank you." "Hey." "What?" "Will you read to me?" "Sure." "Wait, wait, wait." "I want to get all snuggled in." "Okay, go." ""Chapter One:" "I am born." ""Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life," ""or whether that station shall be held by anybody else," ""these pages must show." ""To begin my life with the beginning of my life," "I record that I was born on a Friday, at 12:00 at night..."" "(vault door opening)" "We hope you enjoyed our very special episode." "And for the rest of the hour, we'd like to treat you to some of your favorite Family Guy musical moments." "That's right." "Some you may know, and others you've never seen before-- like this first one." "A few years back, Lois had a visit from her long-lost brother, Patrick." "He had an irrational hatred of fat people and began strangling them." "Though several of these hefty men were killed," "Peter and his friends from the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People never got to mourn for any of the victims." "Until now." "People, people, I know what will make us feel better." "Let us sing the NAAFP anthem." "♪ Stand up, all fat men ♪" "♪ Stand up straight ♪" "♪ Stand up because no chair ♪" "♪ Can hold your weight ♪" "♪ If God created us ♪" "♪ To be so big ♪" "♪ That's proof he must be ♪" "♪ A big fat pig ♪" "♪ God's real flabby ♪" "♪ With an ass so wide ♪" "♪ His arms look like pillows ♪" "♪ With cake mix inside ♪" "♪ God's man boobs are flabby ♪" "♪ And they hurt when he jogs ♪" "♪ And the back of God's neck ♪" "♪ Looks like a pack of hot dogs. ♪" "One thing we like to do at Family Guy is make fun of pop culture by twisting it and mocking it and commenting on it." "Yeah, and sometimes we just steal stuff and put our characters in it." "Here's a scene inspired by..." "Copied from..." "A Jerry Lewis film entitled The Errand Boy that was created for the episode where Peter takes over Pewterschmidt Industries." "Peggy, hold my calls for a few minutes, please." "(jazzy tune plays)" "(silently mouthing to the beat of the music)" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "(music ends)" "Several years back, Brian made friends with an elderly woman who had been homebound for years, and he attempted to bring her out of her shell." "Ah, yes." "Pearl." "She was a nice woman." "So vibrant, full of life." "We became close friends, and I sang this song to explain to her all the wonderful things that she was missing by shutting herself off from society." "And by the song's end, she felt the courage to venture out." "And did she get to see all those things you sang about?" "No." "She immediately got hit by a truck and died." "Ah." "Well, then, I'm sure she's glad she met you." "Here's the musical number that ended that poor woman's life." "Come on, Pearl." "There's so much you've missed in the last 30 years." "In fact, allow me to fill you in." "♪ The '60s brought the hippie breed ♪" "♪ And decades later, things have changed indeed ♪" "♪ We lost the values, but we kept the weed ♪" "♪ You've got a lot to see ♪" "♪ The Reagan years have laid the frame ♪" "♪ For movie stars to play the White House game ♪" "♪ We're not too far from voting Feldman/Haim ♪" "♪ You've got a lot to see ♪" "♪ The town of Vegas has got a different face ♪" "♪ 'Cause it's a family place with lots to do ♪" "♪ Where in the '50s ♪" "♪ A man could mingle with scores of all the seediest whores ♪" "♪ Well, now his children can, too ♪" "♪ You heard it from the canine's mouth ♪" "♪ The country's changed ♪" "♪ That is, except the South ♪" "♪ And you'll agree ♪" "♪ No one really knows, my dear lady friend ♪" "♪ Just quite how it all will end ♪" "♪ So hurry ♪" "♪ 'Cause you've got a lot to see ♪" "♪ The baldness gene was cause for dread ♪" "♪ But that's a fear that you can put to bed ♪" "♪ They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head ♪" "♪ You've got a lot to see ♪" "♪ The PC age has moved the bar ♪" "♪ A word like redneck is a step too far ♪" "♪ The proper term is country music star ♪" "♪ You've got a lot to see ♪" "♪ Our flashy cell phones ♪" "♪ Make people mumble, "Gee whiz" ♪" "♪ Look how important he is ♪" "♪ His life must rule ♪" "♪ You'll get a tumor ♪" "♪ But on your surgery day ♪" "♪ The doc will see it and say ♪ (phone ringing)" "♪ "Wow, you must really be cool" ♪" "(indistinct attering)" "There's lots of things you may have missed." "Like Pee-Wee and his famous wrist." "Or Sandy Duncan's creepy, phony eye." "That awesome Thundercats cartoon." "Neil Armstrong landing on the moon." "Neil Armstrong-- wait, was he the trumpet guy?" "♪ So let's go see the USA ♪" "♪ They'll treat you right unless you're Black or gay ♪" "♪ Or Cherokee ♪" "♪ But you can forgive the world and its flaws ♪" "♪ And follow me there because ♪" "♪ You've still got a hell of a lot to see ♪" "♪ You've got..." "a..." "lot to... see. ♪" "Brian, I've missed so much." "I wouldn't be standing here right now if it wasn't for you." "(gasps)" "Quahog is a wonderful example of suburban America-- full of neighbors who look out for each other and enjoy spending time together." "Like a big family." "Up next, we find Peter and Lois in need of a babysitter, and their kind, elderly neighbor, Herbert, offers to help out." "It's a musical number that will warm the cockles of your heart." "Yeah, check it out." "Herbert's got a raging cockle in this one." "So, it would only be till Monday, and we could pay you for it." "Yeah, and it's real easy-- I promise." "I mean, you-you've spent time watching children, right?" "Uh, yes, sir." "Yes, I have." "Ah." "Wonderful." "You mind stopping by tomorrow morning?" "I'll wear my snazziest duds." "♪ ♪" "♪ Got my tweed pressed ♪" "♪ Got my best vest ♪" "♪ All I need now is the boy ♪" "♪ Got my striped tie ♪" "♪ Got my hopes high ♪" "♪ Got the time and the place and I got rhythm ♪" "♪ Now all I need is Chris to go with 'em ♪" "♪ If he'll just appear ♪" "♪ We'll fill this big town ♪" "♪ Full of joy ♪" "♪ And if he'll say ♪" "♪ "My darling, I'm yours," I'll throw away ♪" "♪ My striped tie and my best pressed tweed ♪" "♪ All I really need is the boy. ♪" "And now we have a super special treat:" "a never-before-aired clip that may be the greatest thing we've ever done." "Featuring the last known recording of Michael Jackson, here is..." "Stewie, that number has been cut." "What?" "No way!" "But it had the Toy Story 3 sneak peek." "Sorry-- legal said no to all of it." "Well, that sucks." "What else we got?" ""Shipoopi"." "Seriously?" "Again?" "Fine." "Here's (bleep) "Shipoopi"." "♪ ♪" "♪ Now, a woman who'll kiss on the very first date ♪" "♪ Is usually a hussy ♪" "♪ And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out ♪" "♪ Is anything but fussy ♪" "♪ But a woman who'll wait till the third time around ♪" "♪ Head in the clouds, feet on the ground ♪" "♪ She's the girl he's glad he's found ♪" "♪ She's his shipoopi ♪" "♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪" "♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪" "♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪" "♪ But you can win her yet ♪" "♪ Walk her once just to raise the curtain ♪" "♪ Walk around twice and you make for certain ♪" "♪ Once more in the flower garden ♪" "♪ She will never get sore if you beg her pardon ♪" "♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do ♪" "♪ Si, la, so, fa, mi, re, do ♪" "♪ Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin' ♪" "♪ Get a squeeze back, that's fancy cooking' ♪" "♪ Once more for a pepper-upper ♪" "♪ She will never get sore on the way to supper ♪" "♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do, si, do ♪" "♪ Now, little ol' Sal was a no gal as anyone could see ♪" "♪ Look at her now, she's a go gal who only goes for me ♪" "♪ Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin' ♪" "♪ Get a squeeze back, that's fancy cooking' ♪" "♪ Once more for a pepper-upper ♪" "♪ She will never get sore on the way to supper ♪" "♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do, si, do ♪" "♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪" "♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪" "♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪" "♪ But you can win her yet ♪" "No!" "No!" "(blows whistle)" "♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪" "♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪" "♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪" "♪ But you can win her yet ♪" "♪ You can win her yet ♪" "♪ Shipoopi!" "♪" "You know, when it comes to road show episodes, you and I do most of the traveling." "True, but when Peter found out that his father wasn't Francis, the man who raised him, but instead a man in Ireland, Peter decided to visit." "And did we explore the effects of the difficult political and agricultural dynamics that have rent Ireland for centuries?" "No." "We just made them a country of drunken redheads." "Ah." "Groundbreaking." "You knocked up my mom and never called her again." "Yeah." "So what?" "So what?" "So, let's dance!" "♪ Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring ♪" "♪ And he never taught me anything ♪" "♪ But still I slap my chest ♪" "♪ And sing of my drunken Irish dad ♪" "♪ Oh, his face looks like a railroad map ♪" "♪ And he never shuts his freakin' trap ♪" "♪ But all the ladies catch the clap ♪" "♪ From your drunken Irish dad ♪" "♪ Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey, Morrison, Shaughnessy ♪" "♪ Riordan and Rooney, they'll tell you the same ♪" "♪ McNultey, Mulrooney and Cotter and Clooney ♪" "♪ All feel the same mixture of pride and of shame ♪" "♪ Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly and Flannigan ♪" "♪ Look to the ground when their dad passes by ♪" "♪ Cafferty, Rafferty, Joyce and O'Lafferty ♪" "♪ Fight for his honor and then start to cry ♪" "♪ Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm ♪" "♪ And our moods infect us like a germ ♪" "♪ 'Cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm ♪" "And we don't tan well, either." "♪ From our drunken Irish dad. ♪" "Do you remember when Peter got his own TV station?" "Yeah, and the FCC censored him." "We all sang a song about how they take the best parts out of everything." "I know, and the worst part is that after the song aired, we heard the FCC people liked it." "They liked the parody of them." "Doesn't that just suck?" "I mean, like, you know, like when-when... when you make fun of someone and then they laugh." "It's like, "No, man." "No, you don't get it." "The joke is on you."" "And then they're supposed to be like, "Oh, you got me." "Oh, now I've got to think about myself."" "And you're like, "Yeah." "Yeah, you do." ""Take that." "And stay out of our playground."" "But those FCC bozos liked the song." "I-I don't know-- it just..." "it ruins it for me." "Anyway, let's take a look." "Actually, because of your little rant, we don't have time for that song." "Really?" "So, what, that means the show is over?" "Yep." "Oh." "Okay." "Good night."