" May I have the ring, please?" " [moaning] [all shouting]" " Laverne has passed." " You're much more beautiful than I ever could have imagined." " [gasps] [laughing]" " Now it's time to make us official." " You're right." " They're divorce papers." " Shit on my tits!" "This is Father Black..." "Donohue Black." "This is my simplest daughter, Beatrice." " The best thing you can do for those you love is forcefully push your beliefs upon them." " This is Mitchell P. Spiritwalker." " I am with child." " My husband and I are going to raise this child together." " Welcome home, Lady Dodo." " You gave all my money away to charity." " I'll just take the Abbey, then." " No, you get nothing." " Well, I suppose there's only one respectable way to settle this:" "with a duel." " [shrieks]" " Keep your little Abbey." " Lady Beatrice locked up the liquor." " I want to go where nobody knows my name." " Where is she, Mary?" "Where is she?" " ♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪" "♪ I want the whole world to know my name ♪" "♪ This is mine, I got to get it ♪" "♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪" "♪ "Another Period"" " [murmuring, whining]" "What is this hellhole?" "Who are these people?" "Why are they dressed so terribly?" "[gasps] Why is that man's face so woolly?" " Um, this was a bad idea." "I think we should go." " No, alcohol must always trump judgment." " Um, Miss Lillian, I really think we must go." " No, I'm staying here." "Garfield, leave me here!" " I would never leave you." " You can and you will!" "Innkeeper!" "This... this Greek fellow is bothering me." " All right, out you go, you dandy." "Come on." " No, Lillian!" " [rapping indistinctly] [dramatic musical swell]" " [gasps] [panting]" "[moaning] [dishes clatter]" "[blowing, whimpering]" "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." " Oh, I never thought I could have it all, but now I do." "[tires screeching]" "Husband?" "Darling?" "What's wrong?" " Um, just my eyes..." "I'm having a hard time seeing." "Beginning to think maybe I shouldn't have taken those bandages off so soon." "[chuckles]" "The doctor did say to wait a week." " [gasps] Whoa!" " Uh, Hortense, I've gone blind." " Oh, my goodness!" " I can't see." " Oh!" " I need you to get the drops." " Oh, the drops!" "Oh, no!" " Oh... my love, please!" " I finally found happiness only to careen into a ditch!" " Wait, wait!" "I can see." "I can see." " [gasps]" " Hortense, you've saved us." " Oh, that was close." " [chuckles] [sighs] Thank you, Hortense." "I mean..." "Mrs. Fusselforth." "[slow rock music]" "♪" " Oh, thank goodness I found you." " "Thank goodness I found you." [laughs]" "Chancellor Fong, meet my wife." "This is the prime minister of Taiwan." " Hello." " [laughing]" " Um, my water..." "it's broken." " And?" " And I..." "I need you to deliver my baby." " Oh, Blanche." "I would love to." "I..." "I would, I just... [chuckles] It's the Sabbath." " But you're a doctor... and my husband." " And I... and I get that." "I do, I just..." "I can't do any strenuous labor on Shabbat." "You understand." " [whimpering] Can you light a pipe on Shabbat?" " I'm impressed that you know the Hebrew." "Uh, but no, technically not." "One can always make exceptions, though." " Can't you make an exception for the birth of my child?" "Please?" " Blanche..." "I'm going to give you 30 seconds to get out of this room before I get physically violent with you." "That I'm allowed to do on Shabbat." "Out!" " [screaming]" "I'm going to give birth alone." "So that's what's happening right now." "[dramatic musical flourish]" " Do you have the champagne with the gold flecks in it that Peepers serves on Spaghetti Sundays?" " Oh, yeah, I have exactly that." "Right here." " Oh, my." "You have less teeth than a usual man." "You must save a pretty penny on toothbrushes and toothpaste." "[shrieks]" "♪ Turn up, turn up, turn up" "♪ Turn up the bass" " I can't believe this is all really happening." "I am married to the most powerful man in media." "Oh, I can't wait to start publishing my columns and books." " [chuckling]" "Hortense, you make me laugh." " Pardon me?" " Well, we're married now." "It's time for you to start popping out those babies." " But I thought my writing was why you married me." " Well, yeah, but you're mine now." " But I told you I'm barren." " Well, we'll adopt." "Ha ha!" "I don't know why you're being so difficult about this." "The point is, you're going to stay home and rear our children." " But you kept saying how much you admired me being a strong, single woman." " You hit the nail on the head with that word, "single."" "You're not single anymore, are you, Hortense?" "[sighs] This is making me very aggravated... very aggravated." "It's too much excitement." " I'm sorry, darling." "You're right, of course." "I was being a mouthy wife." " Well, yes." " I know what will make you feel better." " Oh." "Huh?" "Oh." "Hortense." "Well... [inhales] [grunts] Not, not so much... not so much teeth, Hortense." "Ahh!" "Gah!" "Aaaah!" "[tires screeching] [both screaming] [boom]" " When I think about how close we came to foreclosure, my balls become pancakes." "[both giggling]" " Yes... [both murmuring, giggling]" " What?" "Can you not see we're celebrating?" " Right." "We're sorry to bother you at this hour, but there's been an accident." "Hortense and Bertram... they're daid." "[dramatic musical flourish]" "They're daid!" "[dramatic musical flourish]" "They're died-ded!" "[dramatic musical flourish]" " They're walkin' in the green fields with baby Jesus." " Right." " And we can only imagine how sad it must be to lose a daughter." " Actually, I'd imagine it's roughly one-tird as difficult as losing' a son." " And just a little bit harder than losing a kitty-cat." " Right." " Oh, my sweet, brown gal." "I wish I'd appreciated you more in life." " Bright side:" "we still have all of Fusselforths' money." "Hmm?" " No." "There's no money." "They were married just today." "There's no will." "There's nothing." " Oh, don't you say dat." "You take heart!" "There's always sometin." "There's whiskey." " Aye, and there's, uh, lambs and whores." " Shepherd's pie." " Aye, and the wink you get from a redhead when you know you're taking her home." " Aye, living all your days from dis day to dat without telling your family you looved 'em." " Yes, you've still got hope." " Get out!" " Good evenin'." " Aye." "Sorry about your daughter." " [groans]" " No." "[sobbing]" " [moaning]" " ♪ Opa, opa, opa" "♪ Mama, mama, mama, mama" "♪ That's how the sailor ♪" "♪ Eats a beaver [all cheering] crowd:" "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" "Hey, hey!" "[cheers and applause]" " [shouts] [pitcher shatters] [laughter]" " Lillian?" "What's going on?" " Who are you?" "What is this?" "Some kind of ladies' night or something?" "["Seinfeld" -like sting]" "Ladies' night?" "I think I just coined a phrase." "[laughter] [applause] [energetic music]" " [shrieks]" "Ow, ooh, ooh." "Ooh, ooh, ooh." "Yogurt spoon, pudding spoon, fish fork, crab tong." "Yogurt spoon, pudding spoon, fish fork, crab tong," "Yogurt spoon-pudding spoon- fish fork-crab tong!" "[screaming] [liquid gushing] [baby crying] Oh, my God, oh, my God." "Oh, oh, oh, oh... [baby crying]" "Ah!" "I never thought I'd get a chance to do that again." "It feels so exhilarating." "Uh!" " Beatrice, just leave me alone." "Let me live my life." " Lillian, you are my sister and my best friend, and I don't want you to go to Hell." "Now please, just..." "just drop the bottle and let God slip inside you." "If you just let him in, it feels so good." " Leave me alone." "These are my new best friends now." "See this guy?" "His name's The Gorilla, and he's my new sister." " No." "No." "No, that's Mr. S. talking." "That's Satan." "[dramatic music]" " Oh, so you're crazy now." " [shouting]" "No more... [glass shattering]" "Alcohol!" "[glass shattering] [dramatic music]" "Lillian, give me the bottle." " No." " Give me the bottle." " No." " Give me the bottle!" " No!" " Lillian, give me the bottle!" " Ah!" "[thud]" " [panting]" "No." "Lillian?" "Lillian, stop joking." "Lillian!" "Lillian?" "Lillian?" "Lillian, come here." "[melancholy notes] [dramatic music]" "♪" " Now that's what I call a ladies' night!" "[electric guitar riff] [chuckles] Drinks on the house, huh?" "[all cheering]" "Oh, wait, no." "She broke 'em all." "Never mind." "all:" "Aww." " ♪ Oh, my, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪" " Hello, my love." "Hello." "David?" "No, not David." "Erasmus?" "That's a good name." " Blanche!" "Oh, what is this mess?" " Oh, I just gave birth to my baby." " [sighs] Fine, but Lady Chair requests your presence in the parlor and pool room." " Yes, but..." " Your seven minutes of maternity leave are up." "And you recall what happened when Esther took 13 minutes of maternity leave, and when she returned, her position had been filled by Marcello, who works here to this day." " Well, yes, but I haven't even gotten to feed what's-his-name yet." " Well, how hungry could he be, Blanche?" "He just got here." " Peepers!" " [gasps] It's Lady Dodo." "Hide that child!" "Hide it!" "No, not in the silver!" "Oh, Blanche!" "That's fine, that's fine." "Now go, go!" "And clean yourself up." "You reek of amniotic fluid." "[gasps] Lady Dodo, you're dying!" "Let me cut my wrists so I may serve you in heaven." " Peepers, you've always taken great care of me." "You've been the finest butler a lady could ever have, except for your predecessor, Jones." "Oh, and his predecessor before him, Josephat." "Oh, and that butler over at Digsby Manor." "I've always loved him." "Marvelous mustache." " I will do anything for you, Lady Dodo." " Ah, well, I need only one more... [baby fussing] Is that a child?" " No, that's Blanche's baby." " Ugh." "There's only one more thing" "I need from you." " Oh, Dorothea." "I would love to dance with you." " No, you fool." "I need you to sign some papers, mister..." "Spiritwalker." " [crying]" "The one thing we didn't lose in this terrible tragedy is our very real love for one another." " Love?" "I could never love you." "I am a rare beauty, and you are a leathery plum... a constant disgusting reminder of the depths I'm willing to sink for money." " What?" " Crisis averted." "The money's saved." " Ha!" "Just joshin'." "Commy?" "Hmm?" "[giggling]" " So this morning, I get a call from the Bank of Newport." "Now, they say there is some unusual activity in your account." "For the past 15 years, Dodo has been giving millions of dollars away to charity:" "the Street Dwellers Charity," "Unwed Mothers of Newport, the United Coloreds of Benetton." "It goes on and on and on." "Well, all of the companies folded this afternoon... all of them." "And they all transferred their funds to one place:" "the Abbey, your Abbey." "You're going to be okay." "[somber music]" "♪" "You own the property!" "This... this is wonderful news." "This is all... this is so good." " [laughs]" "Looks like Dodo won that battle after all." "♪" " Celine?" "Don't." "Don't go." "Chair?" "Celine?" "Don't leave me!" "No!" "No!" "Celine!" "[screaming]" "Aaaaahhhh!" "[somber music]" "♪" " Dear God, Jesus..." "I think you're the same guy." "It's kind of confusing." "Anyway, I think I killed my sister, but I'm very, very sorry, so please bring her back to life." "Amen." "Lillian?" "No, I... okay." "I think..." "I think I'm doing this wrong." "Let me..." "let me try again." "Um..." "Mr. Christ, it's me, Beatrice, who you promised nothing bad would ever happen to." "Remember?" "Because I'm following all your rules." "So please bring my sister back to life right now." "Wait." "Hello?" "I apologized." "Now bring her back to life." "You did it for yourself." "Now do it for my sister!" "Please, Lillian." "Please." "You know what?" "[bleep] you, God." "[bleep] you." "You don't mean anything you say." "I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I just do it anyways, because you said so, and then you just don't help me." "I don't understand." "And you know what?" "You're not real, mother[bleep]." "And I [bleep] know it now, so [bleep] you!" "[dramatic musical build-up] [techno music]" "♪" " Money?" "[panting]" " Lillian, you're alive!" " Beatrice." " I should've known the only thing that could save you was the smell of banknotes." " It is my favorite thing." " Me too." "Thank God churches are so stacked with cash." " Let's go home." " Yes." " It's the only thing that matters... just you, me, and Bellacourt." " Mm-hmm." " [whimpering]" "Come on." "Let's get out of this stupid place." "Lillian!" " I'll meet you there." " Oh, my God." "[gentle notes]" "Huh." "[dramatic music]" "♪" " How could this happen?" "♪ [crying]" "No." "♪" "Who the [bleep] is Mitchell P. Spiritwalker?" "♪ [screaming] Who the [bleep] is Mitchell P. Spiritwalker!" "[sensual music]" "♪" " More wine." " As you wish, Madam." "[both giggling]" "♪" "God bless the Abbey." "[clink] [giggles]" "Oh... [soft growl] [both moaning, groaning]" "Oh!" "[laughing]" " Oh, our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name." "Thy kingdom... [strained] c-come... [popping sound]" "[upbeat music]" " Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome feminist, abolitionist, perfumer, and most recently, best-selling Man Tub manufacturer," "Ms. Harriet Tubman." " Ha ha." "Hi!" " Thank you." " Yeah!" " Thank you all so much." "Ladies and gentlemen, something truly incredible happened here last night." " Yes." " In a symbolic gesture, two women, one a bride, the other a nun, destroyed this haven of sin." " Sin!" " They took a stand against alcoholic drink and against the men who spend their paychecks on whiskey and turn into abusers." " I hate men!" " These two are as of yet unidentified, but I assure you that they are the new face of feminism." "The fate of all women could very well be in their hands." "[applause] [inspiring musical build-up] [both laughing]" "[heavy thud]" " Ow!" " Thank you." "[giggling] [continues giggling]" " Mmm... mmm!" "Yeah, ooh." " Mmm..." "Mmm... mmm, mmm, mmm!" " Mmm, mmm!" " Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!" "[giggling]" "Ooh-hoo-hoo!"