" Just come, Nick." "Why not?" " Angie and I are not romantic weekend types." "Sounds like you need some fresh air." "In a cabin." "[GRUNTS, THEN BLOWS RASPBERRY]" "You're dating a stripper." "I'm dating a tall, handsome doctor." " We're both living the dream." " We're not "dating."" "What Angie and I have together is pure anarchy." " In, like, a sexy, cool way." " Oh, yeah?" "Look what she did when I was sleeping." "Look at how cool that is." " Doodled on your armpit." " Not a doodle, it's a tat." " Of poodle hair?" " It's not poodle hair." "It's like the, uh..." "Anyway, no to the cabin." "Why do you want us to come on your romantic weekend?" "It was supposed to be you and the doctor." "Okay." "I'm a little nervous." "I just need back up." "I want this weekend to be fun and perfect and lovely." "And I want him to look at me at the end and go:" ""That was the best weekend I ever had."" "Glad you're keeping your expectations reasonable." " Come on." "It'll be fun." "Roast marshmallows." " Yeah." " Make a fire." " Oh, yeah." " Sleep on a bear rug." " Ooh." " You in?" " Jess, I'm sorry." "We're not going this weekend." " But it's free." " You say free?" " Yup." " We're 100 percent in." "I'll pack." "Okay." "[SINGING] Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " It's Jess" "Oh, wait, wait, wait." "But keep this in mind." "I have a spatula in my hand the entire time." "I'm looking her directly in the eye and I said: "You're damn right I want some cake."" "[ALL LAUGHING]" "What's up, guys?" "This is Schmidt." " Hey." " Ready to go?" " Let's do it." " It was nice meeting you all." "Hey, uh, Winston." "Who are those guys?" "I don't know." "I met them on my way to the bathroom." "But you were so light and charming." "You were like Pixar." "We were just chilling." "Just having a conversation." " We can stay if you want." " No, I don't wanna stay." "I wanna eat." "Come on, man." "White Nick." "Brown Cece." "I'd like to have a frank discussion about race." "[NICK GROANS]" "Do you think we're allowing Winston to be his blackest self?" " I'm not gonna do this." " Make sure Jess gets these." " Guys, please." "I'm being serious." " Schmidty." "I know you're being serious but Winston has been black his entire life." "I think he knows how to handle it." "We were out the other night for drinks and he encountered some members of his own and you should've seen the way he lit up." "I mean, he was like a glow-stick." " This is terrible." " Whatever you are gonna do, please don't do it." "I wanna create an environment where Winston feels free." "Where the gates are open." "Let's let Winston turn on his black switch." "And let his black light shine." "JESS:" "This is perfect." " This is a weekend in the woods." "I'm just glad that we get to spend some time together." "JESS:" "Yeah." " Hey." " Yeah." "Oh, look, it's Jackie O." " Me." "JESS:" "Yeah." "You." " Thanks." " Sorry we're late." "Had to stop and buy this bitch-ass a helmet." "He wouldn't stop being a bitch-ass." "The helmet we got at a rest stop, the shades are mine." "Yeah." "Free cabin!" "Whoo!" " It's actually my boss' cabin." "ANGIE:" "Let's drink!" "NICK:" "U.S. A!" "U.S. A!" "Indian food." "Dinner." "You down?" "I thought maybe we'd eat at a place where you wanted to eat tonight, Winston as a strong, black man." " What are you talking about?" " I get it." "There are just some nights when I'm dying for my tsade's egg salad pastrami piled a mile high some matzot, kreplach." "Let's eat some soul food." "Schmidt, I want Indian." "Southern Indian." "Also, I got you something." " Jah Rastafari." " Take this thing off my head." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "You're right." "Forget the hat." "I made a mistake." "I just..." "[SIGHS]" "Winston, tonight is about you." "I wanna be the black friend you never had." " I have black friends." " I want you to feel supported." "I want you to be able to do the things you don't feel like I understand." "Okay." "So that means you're gonna do whatever I say?" "I mean." "As long as it's gangster." "Or not." "It doesn't have to be gangster." "Thank you for allowing me to be me and I look forward to sharing my people's culture with you tonight." "I've never played sexy Boggle before." "I'm gonna get into... that later." " Ow." " Oh!" " Hey, guys." " Sorry." "We were just unpacking." " We could hear very clearly." "Very clearly." " Hey, you've got a high-pitched scream." " Yeah, I do." " So you guys." "We're playing best of 35 um, because I thought you guys were gonna hang out with us." " Oh!" " Oh, Angie." "This is my boss' cabin." "[YELLS]" "JESS:" "This is it." "Where were these when we were having sex?" " That's how I feel." "What?" " Let's go shoot things." "NICK:" "Yeah." "ANGIE:" "Okay." " Not scared." " Just be careful, please." " Good." "Yup." "Yup." " All right." "Well, ahem..." "NICK:" "Yeah." "ANGIE:" "Whoo!" " All right." " Sam are you having fun?" "I want you to have fun." " Of course I am." "I'm here with you." " Okay." "Good." "[GUNSHOT]" "It's not much fun without someone firing back." "You're amazing!" "[GUNFIRE]" "That is not safe." "That is really reckless." "You wanna shoot guns, don't you?" "Go on." "SAM:" "Guys, guys!" "Save the bullet!" "Get a little bit closer?" "Gotta be kidding me." "How do you keep missing?" " Come on!" " Hey, guys." " Hey." "ANGIE:" "Hey." " No gun safety for us, right?" " You wanna shoot?" "Do not give her a gun." "She cannot handle having a gun." "Trust me." "All right." "You know what?" "Give me the boomstick." " Not called a "boomstick." It's a rifle." " What?" " Give me the rifle." " Oh, right." "Whoa, yeah." "You know what?" "I feel powerful." " Come on, man." " Hey." " Okay." " Can you hold it better?" "NICK:" "Hey." "Hey, Jess." "You nuts?" "SAM:" "Jess." "Thanks." "ANGIE:" "Here." "See that can?" "JESS:" "Yeah." "But I need, like, a backstory." "Like, why am I mad at the can?" "That can is your ex-boyfriend and, uh, he did not respect your space and, um, thought that your arts and crafts section of your house was ridiculous and..." " What?" " Done?" "Enough?" " Yes." "Let me just square your hips right there." "All right." "Center." "There you go." "Let me just move your hair." "So pretty." "Really curly." "Fantasy and nightmare colliding." "ANGIE:" "Take a deep breath." "Congrats." "We have no power." "Jess, that's it." "Let go of the rifle." " We're done." " I mean it." "You're done." " Jess, I'm having a great time." " I'm so mad at you right now." "I think this turned into an adventure!" " Look what I found in the owner's closet." " Yes." " Thank you so much." "JESS:" "You rule." " Making the best of the night." "Sweaters." " Mothy." " Look what else I found in the owner's closet." " What?" " Crème de Menthe, guys." " Get in here, girl." " Ah, body warmth." " Take a pull." " Ooh, yeah." "Pass her over." " Ooh, that's..." "[NICK LAUGHS]" "That is not Crème de Menthe." "That is, uh, the Green Fairy right there." " It's absinthe." " It's absinthe." "Absinthe." "Absinthe has killed so many of our most famous painters." "Last time I tried absinthe, I tried to put my car in my pocket." "Come on." "Let's get crazy." "SAM:" "Come on, babe." "[YELLS]" " Yeah." "Okay." "Yeah." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Yeah." " Perfect weekend." " Yeah!" " Whoa, too much." " Whoa, guys." " I don't feel anything." "Those were just the best ribs that I've ever had!" "You ain't lying, child." "Thanks for dinner." "I really appreciate it." "I do feel supported." " So, what's next?" " There is this one thing that I miss." " I probably shouldn't say it." " No, come on." "It's us, man." "[SIGHS]" "Schmidt." "I could really go for some crack." "What?" "Crack cocaine?" "I remember when I was a kid." "Me, my mom and her mom." "And her mom and her mom and of course her mom." "My little cousin Peanut." "They'd all rush back to that flaming trash can where we'd sit around and harmonize and just..." "[SINGING] Shoo wop" "One of those nights, we ran out of crack I'd grab my scarf and run on down to the liquor store where the thugs hang out and I would try to get a good deal on some crack." "Ha, ha." "Whoo!" "They never would give me a good price, man." "But, uh, I'll tell you what there's nothing like the feel of a fire, a fresh-baked cookie, and and that sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs." "Okay, okay, Winston." "Yeah." "Sure." "I mean if if that is something that you want to do..." "See." "I knew you were gonna judge me." "I knew it." " No, Winston." " I knew you were gonna judge me and just..." "Winston." "Listen to me." "Look, if crack cocaine is what you want then crack cocaine is what we are going to get." " How do we do this?" " Here's what we do." "We go to the projects, okay knock on some doors." "I'll wait in the car and take lookout while you do all the legwork." "Because as you say you are in much better shape than I am." " You have the body of a Smurf." "We could get frozen yogurt." "It's not a big deal." "Schmidt ain't about no frozen yogurt." "I wanna go score some crack cocaine." " Really?" " We're gonna do this." " Look at them." " This is a cabin, guys." "Getting wasted on a couple shots of absinthe." "Word games." "Word games." "Word games, word games." "Doctor." "Oh, I'm saying and you..." "[JESS SQUEALING]" " I don't think I feel..." " I can't believe I'm the sober one." "JESS:" "Word game." " That's actually never happened in my life." " Who wants to play Charades?" " I can't think of..." "Me." "One syllable, one syllable, movie." "[LAUGHING]" " Gattaca." " Oh, I wanna be them." "I have to run upstairs for a sec." "I have it on good authority my bed has disappeared." "I need to go check it out." "I gotta head up there and take care of that." " Oh, you're..." "You're gonna go upstairs?" " Yeah." "Yeah." " Now?" " Yeah." " Ha, ha." "Yeah." " Okay." " Have fun." " I will, I guess." "[CHUCKLES]" " Up." " Ha, ha." "Doesn't sound good." "Jess, that sounded terrible." "The absinthe has found a new host." "The toilet." " Oh." " I like Angie." "She's cool." "It's kind of like riding a horribly maintained carnival ride." " I'm glad you get it." " I think she really likes you." " Jess!" "I'm with Jess!" " What?" " Hey, Nick." "Look." "We switched." "SAM:" "Take a look." "Look." "What is the big deal?" "Why else would we all go to a cabin together?" "To hike?" "Guys." "I'm still really feeling it." " I can't believe you'd do that to Nick!" " She didn't do anything to me." "We have an open relationship." "She can do whatever she wants." "Enough." "I'm tired of you acting like this cool guy with an open relationship." " That is not you." " Yes, it is, Jess." "Why won't you just let me be me?" "This is me." "I'm sorry." "I just don't believe you." "You're not this guy." " I'm not feeling well." "Anyone..." " At least we don't pretend to be this perfect couple." " I do not pretend to be a perfect couple." "The only reason we're here is because you asked us to come because you didn't wanna be alone with Dr. Sam then you'd have to be real with him." " Jess, is that true?" " Yes, but no." "It's out of context." " It's out of context, Nick." " You think you know everything about me I'm a rock and roll guy." " You're the guy who asks me to light matches because you're afraid your fingers are gonna get too hot." " One time." " Multiple times." "I was on the back of a motorcycle earlier and I wasn't that scared." " You don't think I'm crazy?" " No." "Would a sane man do this?" "Ho, whoa!" "Whoa, hold on." "You're doing it." "A lot of it." "You need to just pace it a little..." "Oh, well." "You're really doing it." "Whoa!" "Well?" "I suppose we could get out and ask any of these street youths." "WINSTON:" "I'll let you get out first." "Do your thing." "Don't wanna ask the wrong person and end up with subpar crack." "I want the fresh crack, you know, not crack that's been laying around all day." "Ooh." "I'm really starting to schwitz." "We could turn this car around, forget this ever happened and get you some frozen yogurt." "I will not let you deny who you are any longer." "Not on my watch." " You're an idiot, Schmidt." " Hey." "Psst." " Yes." "Skee-o, skee-o." " Schmidt." " You, dude." " Don't call that man to this car." "How are you this evening?" " What do you guys need?" " Get in the car, man." "Yeah." "We're cool." "Don't invite this guy." "He could have a gun." " That's racist." " Stop, please." "Assuming that this man has a pistol." "Hi, sir." "How are you this evening?" "Um, the two of us are interested in purchasing some crack cocaine." " You guys cops?" "Okay." "Let me out." "Right." " Schmidt, I was just messing with you." "I was just trying to see how far your stupid white guilt would take you." "You never done crack?" "Why do you think I've done crack?" "Because I'm black?" "You told me that whole story." "I thought you guys just needed directions." "Let me out." "Okay, sir, just calm down." "Be cool." " You want it." "You want my wallet." " Oh, my God, no." " No, no." " Shoot the white dude!" " Shoot him." " No." " That's your wallet." " That's your wallet." " You not robbing us?" " You're not robbing me?" " I don't wanna rob you." " I thought you guys..." "I misread." "Thought you was robbing me." " No, man." " I'm Schmidt." "Robert, man, nice to meet you." "Pleasure." " Robert." "Nice to meet you." " What a nice smile he has." " I'm just gonna..." " Child lock." "I don't have kids, but..." "ROBERT:" "You guys have a great night." "Be safe." " You too, Robert." "Take care." "Take it easy." " That was insane." "I was terrified." " Oh, my goodness." "I judged..." "[BOTH SCREAM]" " God, Robert." " Robert." " The wallet..." " Oh, your wallet." " Just give him the wallet." " I'm sorry." "I get it." "I'd want my wallet back too." " Thank you." " All right." "Thanks, Robert." "Whoa, man." "What a hilarious misunderstanding." " Schmidt, drive the damn car." " No." "You're right." "I feel so much better after throwing up into the fire." " Uh, Sam, can you pass the bread?" " Oh, sure thing." "I'll pass the bread, Angie." "Just keep your hands to yourself, and let the bread come to you." "Why do you keep taking my bread?" "I thought you and the bread had an open relationship." "I said I was sorry." "I thought this was an agreement." "I thought we were all cool." "I don't..." "Absinthe." "Thunder, thunder." "Fight the cabin." "Wanna pick my brain?" "I like dogs more than cats." "I like chipmunks more than squirrels." "I believe in UFOs." "I once had a bass teacher when I was younger who did the standing bass and he had a very weird smell and I still think about it." "His name was Mr. Hilton." "I don't like the fact that you tried to kiss Sam." "Because I have feelings for you, Angie." "Um, I had no idea." "I'm sorry." "I know." "We said it was open." "I'm proud of you for saying that." "Dr. Sam." "If you were a hat, you'd be a top hat." "But, like, a really big Monopoly one." "I say that with the deepest compliments." "Appreciate it." " Winston, I'm sorry, I was just trying to help." " What?" "Help me realize that I'm black?" "Believe it or not, I've known that for a while." "I feel bad." "You're forced to live here with Jess and Nick." "They're honky as hell." "Look at our people." "Look what we've given to this country." "Jazz." "The management of jazz musicians." "Look, Schmidt." "Being black means whatever I want it to mean." "Yeah." "The fact of the matter is I live in a loft with three people who happen to be white but believe you me, there's so much more I find annoying about you that I haven't even gotten to race." "Now, I'm going to get some frozen yogurt." " Would you like anything?" " Yeah." " I'll have a vanilla-chocolate swirl." " No." " What?" " No." "I'll have strawberry with jimmies." "Did you get that?" " Hey." " How you doing?" "Much better." "That alcohol got on top of me." "I'm a little embarrassed by that." "I'm sorry about Sam." "I thought it was cool and I try to ruin things as soon as they get good." "I'm working on it." " Believe it or not, I'm working on stuff too." " Yeah, I just wish I was working on less stuff." "You know I've been arrested three times." "Four times." "Four to five times." "I have tattoos of bands that I don't even like anymore." "You've been cool about the Jamiroquai tattoo on my butt." "I'm not asking you to change." " Just meet me in the middle a little bit." " What do you want me to do?" "Go to brunch?" "We supposed to read articles and then talk about them together?" " I'm never going to be that kind of girl." " I just wanna do something normal." "How about not drawing pubes on my armpit while I'm sleeping?" "You think you could do something like that?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Because I would really like to keep this going." " You want to move your twin bed over here?" " Sexy, sexy, sexy." "Ha, ha." "Bird, bird, bird!" " Oh, my God." " Help." "Help." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I got it." "I'm on it." " Just a boozer's opinion." "It's not really how I wanted the weekend to go." "I thought the worst thing was someone wouldn't like the cheese I brought." "I wanted it to be perfect." "Jess, when Nick said that you invited them, because you were nervous..." " No, don't worry about that." " Jess." "We're not perfect." "I think the first time we slept together, I didn't even know your real name." "Kind of a pretty sassy detail." "Can we just concentrate on the fact that I was tripping pretty hard on absinthe and I said no to a stripper." "I mean a stripper was rubbing my leg." "That's, weirdly, the most romantic thing I've ever heard." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" " Got it." "JESS:" "I left a Post-it note on the transformer that said "broken." SAM:" "Is there any way that we can make look like raccoon bites?" " A few announcements." "Uh, Angie left." "Me." "And she took the motorcycle, and a few of my belongings." "I'm still wearing my underwear, so she comes up short-handed on that treasure hunt." " I'm sorry." " I'm so sorry, Nick." "It's fine." "I'm a grown man." "I will need a ride home." " Yeah." " Obviously." "I'd love to pitch in with gas." "Don't have any money, so I could pay in "Nick Bucks" fully redeemable for smiles and any one item from my bureau." " We'll hold you to that." " Thank you, doctor." " Don't." "I'm good." " I know you don't wanna be hugged." " I don't wanna be hugged." " I respect that." "Okay." "Because I'm fine." "Jess, no." "I'm good." "I promise you I'm good." " This is very weird for you." " I'm not hugging you." " I know." " I'm sorry." "I promise you I'm okay." "Stop making this a thing because I'm not sad." "This is for the best." "Yeah." "Ahem." " I'm fine." " She didn't deserve you." "Whatever that means." "SAM:" "Okay." "Almost there." " Thank you." "Hey, let's go." "Hey." "The potato salad's accidentally in the, uh, garbage." "Look at that." "You guys mind if I eat this in the back seat?" "You can eat salad in my backseat any time." " Didn't mean that to be sexual." "SAM:" "All right, guys." "That's a little bit gamy." " Okay." "The garbage here." " Hold on." "Hold on." "The absinthe." "You almost threw that out by accident." "Wow." " All right." " All right." "Yup." "I'll be right with you guys." "That was a mistake." "Whoo!" "I'm gonna poop weird tonight." "Yeah." "Oh, that was a mistake."