"Where's Dad?" "It's almost time." "Well, the shoe store closed about five minutes ago." "He's gotta count the day's receipts so he should be walking in any second now." "The day has finally come." "Perhaps the proudest day in the history of the Bundy household." "I want the whole family to share in this." "Buck, you ready, boy?" "Calm down, Buck." " Where's Mom?" " She's out shopping." "Good." "Then the whole family is here." "Man, what a day." "After all the praying, the dreaming the saving of every penny, the Bundys have finally arrived." "Today we get cable TV." "Yes." "Yes." " Can I get a "whoa cable"?" " Oh, yeah." "Whoa, cable!" "All right." "Now, kids, the cable should come on any minute." "But to make every day our birthdays, I have a very special gift." "May I present the Cadillac of television controls:" "The Channelmaster 2000." "Hey, don't touch it, you swine." "It's mine." "Man, this baby can do anything." "Changes channels backwards, changes them forward." "It's like having a wife crouching by the TV except I wouldn't mind sleeping with this." "And it's got a half-a-mile radius." "Why, I could control Marcie's TV sitting right here by my command post." "Matter of fact..." " Oh, Dad, you shouldn't do that." " Oh, Dad." "All right, enough frivolity." "Kids, man the cable book." "I am turning on the TV." "What's this?" "It's the Japanese Channel, Dad." " What's this?" " It's the Polka Channel." " What's this?" " That's the Stained Glass Network." "There doesn't seem to be much on cable either." "Kids, fear not." "We still have 78 more channels to go." "Well, what's wrong, Dad?" "I just never thought I could be so happy sitting next to you two." "All right, guys, get ready." "In front of us lies all the entertainment that the great minds of show business can provide." "Well, Dad you've been sitting there for 36 hours straight now." "I will not give up." "I am paying $60 a month to be entertained and I will be entertained if I never enjoy another day in my life." "Oh, now, this is better." "Yeah, here's the Sally Struthers Whining Channel." "Oh, look at the starving children." "Boy, man, now we're having fun." "And stay tuned for Cagney  Lacey." "Oh, Daddy, I have been so wronged." "You have been so wronged?" "Look what I'm spending 60 bucks a month for." "Well, at least I..." "At least I got this." "Now I feel lucky." "Today on the Medical Channel, Doctor Bob removes an ovary." "Well, you may as well bore me with your problems." "Okay." "Well, my whole modeling class went down to be on public-access television." "You know, for our poise-and-personality tests." "So, what'd you do?" "Spin diaphragms on your fingers while singing "Somewhere in the Night"?" "Anyway every girl was supposed to be on TV." "But did I get a turn?" "Ask me if I got a turn." "Ask me." "Just go ahead and ask me." "No, I did not." "And you know why?" "Because my teacher, Mrs. Jones, doesn't like me." "Because one day she wore a pair of jeans that said "Guess" and I guessed size 42." "Instead of giving me a prize, she cops an attitude." "Anyway..." "So every girl got to be on TV but then they ran out of time before my turn." "Now I don't even have a tape for when it comes time for my grade." "Now, come on, Kel." "There's gotta be plenty of videotapes of you lying around." "Now, what's wrong with the "I can make my dress go this high" classic from the third grade?" "Gee, Bud, it's Friday night." "Shouldn't you be taking a shower, getting dressed up and going to bed?" "Oh, Daddy, my life is over." "I wish I was dead." "What should I do?" "Well, honey, I'm glad you've come to me." " Because I have plenty..." " Look, Dad." "Look." "Hooters!" " Where?" "Where?" " Right there." "That's an elbow, son." "Well, look whose word you were taking." "Hi, Al." "You know, the weirdest thing's been happening over at my house." "The channels on the TV began changing all by themselves." "Would you do me a favor?" "Could you turn on the Public Access Channel?" "Marcie's gonna be on." "Oh, great, even the old and boring get on before me." "Welcome back to Short-Haired Women in Banking." "And now for the question our financial experts have been dying to ask:" "How does a short-haired woman juggle a career, carry a baby and still manage to sexually satisfy her man?" "Well, it's not easy." "Actually my husband has been feeling a little left out because the baby's coming." "So we've been playing out my role as Mommy in bed." "Sometimes he's a bad boy and needs a good spanking." "Well, I guess I was wrong." "Marcie's not gonna be on." "As a matter of fact, he used to have a little problem with, shall we say, hang time." "But I told him not to worry, it's not him." ""I just have some banking problems on my mind."" "Hey, how'd she get on TV anyway?" "It's public access." "Anyone with $35 and a pack of lies to tell about her husband can get on." " Here we go." " Can I have $35 to be on TV, please?" "Honey, we're not millionaires." "Now, honey, I know you're disappointed." "But if this counts for anything, you'll always be my little girl and I'll always have time for you." "Oh, Daddy." "Now that's a hooter." "You see what I mean?" "Oh, my gosh." "And stay tuned for The All White Guys Slam Dunk Contest." "Dad, you haven't left the house in three days now." "Not that it would matter if you lost your job but it's embarrassing having your old Dodge parked out front all day." "I mean, what if people start thinking it's mine?" "I am not getting off the couch until I find something to watch." "Well, there you go, Roger Ebert's Dance Party." "It's almost time for Kelly's debut on the Public Access Channel." "Oh, good." "That won't bring any more shame to the family." "What do you think she'll do?" "A scholarly discussion of Ezra Pound's poetry?" "Or getting her hair stuck in her mouth and chasing it around the way a dog chases its tail?" "Like a dog." "Am I on yet?" "Am I on yet?" " Is that me?" " It's a cartoon, honey." "Oh, it's coming on." "It's coming on." "Everyone expected a piece of fluff, but we wanted to do something important something the youth of America could relate to." "You know, issue stuff." "Today's topic:" "Cute butts and the men they're attached to." "Hi, welcome to my show." "I'm Kelly." "Now, as you all know, it costs $35 to put on a show so I asked my Dad for the money, but he's a shoe salesman." "So I had to turn to my unemployed teenage friends for the money." "I just plugged you, Daddy." "Yes, you did, pumpkin." "And now I would like to introduce my guests." "Cyndy, she gave $10." "As did Roberta." "And Samantha, who's rich because her dad knocks off convenience stores gave $14.50." "And my very special guest, who gave an eye-popping 50 cents Mr. Vinnie Verducci." "So, what would you like to talk about, Vinnie?" "Well, I'd like to take the pro or con side whichever is against the enforcement of motorcycle helmet laws." "I mean, say I pull up to some chick." "Now, I'm doing a conservative 75 in a 30-mile-an-hour zone so of course I only have seconds to seduce her with my eyes." "You see this look?" "How are they supposed to see it with Tupperware strapped to my head?" "I'd look like that dork the Rocketeer for God's sakes which, by the way, was death at the box office." "Now, I've fallen on my head 100 times and you don't hear me crying, "I can't think." "I can't think."" "What were we talking about?" "Men's butts." "I'd like to see them try and get a helmet on my butt." "Thank you, Vinnie." "Your 50 cents is up." "Get out." "And now I would like to introduce our band:" "Joanie and the Slashettes!" "One, two, three, four." "Soda!" "Do you believe that they wrote that in the elevator coming up here." "The mind wobbles, doesn't it?" "Okay." "Now, as I recall, we were right in the middle of men's butts." "Cyndy who do you think has the cutest butt?" "I do." "No, we're talking about men's butts." "Mel Gibson." "Lethal Weapon..." "Okay." "Okay, girls." "Let's get serious." "Two, three, four." "Serious!" "Which brings us to a tragic story." "A girl..." "We'll call her Jeannie." " got a bad perm." "I know that this must be very hard for you, Jeannie." "Thank you for being here today." "Now what went through your mind when you first saw your perm?" "I screamed." "I cried." "I ran the gamut." "You poor thing." "Remember, folks, it's up to you to help." "You can make a difference." "Phone your pledges in now." "Call 555-PERM." "Ladies and gentlemen this could happen to you!" "And now another number from our band." "Two, three, four." "Spit!" "Makes you think, doesn't it?" "Okay, now it's time for my favorite part of the show." "We're gonna talk about girls that we don't like." "The Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff with Kelly slut of the week is:" "Two, three, four." "Slut!" "Thank you." "Is Vicki." "Now, not only is Vicki too cheap to give $1.50 to be on the show but she also borrows clothes and doesn't give them back." "And if she does she doesn't give them back with the hanger." " She's trash." " She's dirt." "She gave me this perm." "So for all these things we all give you, Vicki, a big get-a-yeast-infection salute." "And now on to career talk." " What?" " Ask me the question." "Oh, right." "Say, Kelly we understand that you go to modeling school." "Well, I'm glad that you brought that up, Roberta." "My classmates are a bunch of skanks." "And my teacher stinks." "They wouldn't let me be on TV." "It's because they're jealous." "But I'm on now, aren't I?" "Well, I can see by the clock on the wall that it's..." "Five, 10, 15, 20..." "But before we go I would like to do a number with the band that I wrote myself." "Ladies." "Two, three, four." "I'm on TV and you are not Drop dead, Mrs. Jones" "Die!" "Size 42" "Two, three, four." "So, what'd you think?" "I mean, it was great, right?" "Well, honey we're gonna have a little meeting over here." "Kelly, you go over there." "Now, she tried really hard." " We can't hurt her feelings." " Yeah." "We gotta think of something nice to say to her." "How about, "At least they didn't send the Energizer Bunny through the show"?" "Let's be nice to her this one time." "Now..." "I know." "Let's go over and say that we didn't see it." "Honey, we have something to tell you." "Well, I have something to tell you too." "They love me." "I'm gonna be on every week." "So, what were you gonna say?" "Dad's dramatic reading in a pathetic attempt to get on Kelly's show." "Take six." "Thank you, Daddy." "Thank you." "Honey, now to help you choose do you think I should do "The Girl from Ipanema" again?" "No." "Please, no, Daddy." "Now, listen, I appreciate whatever it was that you were doing but the station wants a show with me and the girls." "And I'm really having fun." "Why can't you just be proud of me?" "Well, I am proud of you, pumpkin." "I hope the show does even better so that I can be more proud of you." "Little untalented and ungrateful flash in the pan." "Out of the way!" "Oh, boy, that was painful." "I'm glad I don't have to go through that again." "Kel you gotta picture the whole thing in a pair of Speedos." "That's what we think." "Tell us what you think on the subject:" "Briefs or boxers?" "Don't let it be his decision." "Dad, it's been three weeks and Kelly's show is still on." "I think it's taken off." "Can it be that we were wrong?" "Can this be a success?" "Well, son, I don't know anything about TV don't know anything about the world don't know anything about Siegfried  Roy's home life." "But I do know that Kelly is a Bundy." "And there's no way in the world a Bundy will succeed at anything." "Does that make you feel better, son?" "Oh yeah, Dad." "I'm high as a kite now." "Good." "Because any time now, she's gonna come through that door crying:" ""Daddy, Daddy, it's all over." "People realize my show stinks." "I should have had you on." "Only you, the mighty duke of Earl, could have saved my show." "But now it's too late and I failed."" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Well, pumpkin, what could have happened?" "They contacted me down at the station." "And?" "A real network wants to put my show on prime time." " I'm going to Hollywood!" " What?" " Yes!" "Yes!" " Hollywood?" "Get on out of here!"