"Yo dude what up?" "Just follow my lead" "Oh this is awesome" "Eh it's just a little surf shack where I keep my board beer and brother" "How they breaking' today Bro-heim?" "How are what breaking?" "He smokes way too much weed" "The waves Poindexter" "Oh oh the waves... the waves are... knarly?" "Well all right let's hit it" "Oh I intend to" "Why don't you head out I'll throw on my suit and meet you there Awesome" "Mm bodacious and tubular" "Uh excuse me Moon Doggie- quick question." "Yeah" "You don't surf do you?" "Not a bit" "So how did Gidget get the idea you were the Big Kahuna?" "I hold her I hang ten and I guess she misunderstood" "You're going to Hell you know" "I don't think so" "I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex" "You really want to drag God into this?" "Who gave me the penis Alan?" "Since when do you have a wet suit?" "Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks" "If I lived next to Jellystone Park" "I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket" "Would you get the door?" "Oopsie" "Smooth" "So just out of curiosity how exactly do you plan to pull this off?" "Simple- paddle out yell "shark" and paddle in" "So you've thought this through?" "I'm not an idiot" "Whoopsie" "Over here" "What happened?" "I don't know" "This tiny wave came at us" "I let it go" "He screamed like a girl and fell off his board" "I had to give him mouth-to-mouth he swallowed a lot of water" "He's going to be okay?" "I think so" "He tried slipping me the tongue" "Charlie can you hear me?" "Sha..." "What?" "Sha..." "I think he's trying to say shark"" "Want something to drink?" "Oh yeah" "Ugh" "What is this?" "Water" "Are you crazy?" "I almost drowned in that stuff" "Where's my little hard body?" "He took off with that girl you brought home" "Other than that your plan worked like a charm" "Fine Go ahead and mock me" "But I could have died out there" "Well the sea is a harsh mistress" "And... you're a moron" "What?" "You said to mock you" "It's no joke Alan" "Oh come on" "You tried to scam your way into a surf bunny's shorts and ended up French kissing a handsome young lifeguard" "How is that not a joke?" "It's not a joke because..." "Something happened out there while I was drowning" "What did your entire sordid, degenerate life flash before your eyes?" "I wish" "No no no" "It was..." "Oh you're not going to believe me" "Try me" "I saw Dad" "Oh baloney" "You know what?" "Just forget it." "Oh come on it was probably just a hallucination caused by you know brain cells dying" "No I'm used to that" "Thisas no hallucination" "Dad was right there in the water with me" "All right, all right, for the sake of argument let's assume that you saw the spirit of our dead father" "What did he do reach a hand out to guide you to the great beyond?" "Don't be ridiculous" "He didn't have hands" "It was just his head kind of floating there like the great powerful Oz" "Or one of the Pep Boys" "Wow" "Manny Moe or Jack?" "Jack" "And he spoke to me" "Oh oh you were able to hear him underwater?" "How weird" "Oh that's the part that bumps you?" "I'm just saying that you were able to hear him because you were imagining it" "It was in your head" "No Oh no" "In a million years my mind could not have made up what he said to me" "What'd he say?" "Something that made my blood run cold" "What?" "Never mind" "I probably heard him wrong" "Charlie..." "Please don't make me say it" "Come on Charlie I am your brother" "Whatever it was, we'll deal with it together" "He said..." ""Take care of your mother"" "Good luck with that" "Hey" "Dad said you almost drowned today" "Yep" "Are you okay now?" "I'm fine" "Can I ask you a question?" "Sure" "It's about what happens when you die" "Okay" "Who gets your car?" "Go away" "You're right Not a good time to ask" "So what you doing?" "Thinking about Dad" "Yeah about that" "I was wondering when you saw him assuming you saw him did he... ask about me?" "No" "He just said "Take are of your mother"" "Huh" "Didn't... didn't mention me at all?" "Nope" "Typical" "Oh here we go" "I'm just saying the guy doesn't get in touch for 30 years- it wouldn't kill him to throw in a quick "Hello, Alan"" "Dead or alive that's just rude" "Tell you what" "Why don't you go fill up the tub" "I'll hold your head under the water till the bubbles stop and then you can tell him how offended you are" "Oh no I have nothing to say to him now" "How does he expect me to take care of her?" "I don't know" "Why don't you try treating her like a human being?" "Nah that can't be it" "What if I put her in an assisted-living facility?" "That's ridiculous She's a healthy woman" "I'm not saying she wouldn't put up a fight" "But hey crumble up a few Xanax in her mimosa and we could probably coax her into a cave full of bats" "I don't think that's what Dad meant" "How do you know?" "Did he talk to you?" "No he talked to me" "Sure rub my nose in it" "How about this- when was the last time you called her just to see how she was doing?" "Uh... what's today Sunday?" "Then never" "Why don't you start with that?" "Okay Fine" "Remember her number?" "I've got it on speed dial 6-6-6" "Cute huh?" "Hey Mom it's Charlie" "Nothing's the matter" "I just called to see how you're doing" "No I'm not drunk" "I was just thinking about you and I thought I'd call" "I swear to God I'm not drunk" "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers" "You happy?" "So what's going on?" "I haven't talked to you in awhi..." "Well I'm talking to you now" "Okay Okay Okay Okay" "Excuse me?" "Okay Okay Okay" "So... everything okay?" "I'm taking her to lunch tomorrow" "Voluntarily?" "Wow you must have really had a spiritual experience out there" "Let's face it Alan when Dad was alive I was a rotten son" "Oh you sure were" "You were horrible" "Boy I remember the time..." "The point is... maybe I've got a chance to make up for it now" "He wants me to take care of Mom then that's what we're going to do" "Well that-that's gr..." "Wait a minute did you say "we"?" "I'm not going" "Fine" "Next time I see our father's floating head" "I'm going to tell him you refused to help" "I'm going to tell him I'm going to tell him" "God, you're such a child" "So you're coming?" "Yeah" "I can't tell you what a treat it is to have lunch with my two favorite sons." "You have others?" "It's an expression Charlie" "Although I do sponsor a little boy in Africa" "No kidding?" "Oh yes Little Mobutu" "He's in the middle of a civil war and I still hear from him more than you" "Hey Alan tell Mom what that little rascal Jake's been up to" "He hasn't been up to anything" "Okay" "So..." "I think I'll go to the bathroom" "Why?" "What do you mean why?" "I have to go" "When was the last time you had a prostate exam?" "Feels like I'm having one now" "I'm just expressing concern for your health" "You don't have to get snippy" "I'm not being snippy" "Is it just me or is he snippy?" "Try living with him" "Excuse me" "All right what's going on?" "What makes you think something's going on?" "When one of my sons calls me for no reason and agrees to take me to lunch something heinous is going on" "Hey, I took you to lunch two weeks ago for no reason other than I love you" "Oh yes the tacky little chain restaurant in the Valley" "That fish shot out of me like there was a fire drill" "The point is I love you" "The point is I lost four pounds in two days" "Well you do look thinner" "It's too late for flattery darling" "Now what is going on with your brother?" "I don't think he'd be very happy with me if I told you" "Sweetheart, you're not his favorite person now" "Okay here's the thing" "Charlie almost drowned yesterday" "Oh dear Lord" "I've told him over and over again two drinks max in the hot tub" "No he was surfing" "In the hot tub?" "In the ocean" "Start again" "He was trying to impress some girl" "Ah oh okay" "Like the time he broke his nose playing tetherball" "Exactly" "Anyway he was convinced he was near death and that he saw Dad" "He saw your father?" "Wow" "How'd he look?" "Uh he was just kind of a floating head" "Yeah that's pretty much how I remember him" "Fairly useless from the neck down" "Anyway Dad told Charlie to take care of you" "Really?" "Anything else?" "Nope that's it" "Just for him to take care of you" "It's like I might as well not even exist" "Oh Alan you can't take that personally" "First of all Charlie was a planned baby" "What was I?" "Well dear you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom" "I had a nice solid stream of urine thank you very much" "What?" "My prostate is fine" "What kind of table talk is that?" "You're the one that brought it up" "It doesn't matter who brought it up" "I don't want to hear about it when I'm eating" "You know what?" "This lunch was a bad idea" "No don't say that darling" "It was a wonderful idea" "If I'm being ungracious I apologize" "All right let's call it "ungracious"" "but we all know what we're thinking" "I guess I'm just a little edgy because well..." "No never mind" "What?" "Forget it My problems are my problems" "I don't expect you to "take care" of me." "Mom, just for the sake of argument, let's say that I "wanted" to take care of you." "What's going on?" "Nothing" "I'm just having a little minor surgery tomorrow" "What kind of surgery?" "It's a woman thing" "Is there anything I can do?" "Just keep me in your prayers" "No no no" "I will drive you there and then take you back to my place so you can recuperate" "Oh, sweetheart that's very generous but I don't want to be a burden" "Mom, please that ship has sailed" "Well, then I accept" "Thank you" "Who buys condoms at a gas station?" "!" "Watch your step here" "Thank you darling" "What happened to your mouth?" "I just had a little procedure" "What kind of procedure?" "They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips" "What did they do use the whole ass?" "They're just a little swollen" "In two days they'll be plump luscious and ready for action" "What boy doesn't like hearing that from his mother?" "Charlie, I need to sit down" "Okay got you covered" "I thought you said it was a woman thing" "You know any guys dumb enough to do this" "Good Lord!" "What'd you do fellate a beehive?" "Fellate?" "I read." "I can conjugate" "Man, the last time I saw a mouth like that it was trying to eat Jacques Cousteau" "Here you go Mom nice bite-sized pieces" "Thank you darling" "Dad said you got your butt in your lips" "Just eat your dinner" "Hang on" "So if you burp now it'd really be a fart right?" "Eat" "Charlie my doughnut's too soft" "So Jake has your mother succeeded in turning you against me yet?" "Mom" "What you don't think she talks?" "You don't think he listens?" "Trust me Alan even the mind of a dull child can be poisoned by a malicious parent" "Can we just please change the subject?" "Although, I must say I prefer your mother to that postpubescent knucklehead your father replaced her with" "Okay okay that's it" "What?" "I changed the subject" "Come on Jake We're going to the movies" "On a school night?" "Why not?" "You're flunking anyway" "Wait wait wait." "You're just leaving me?" "You're taking care of Mom, remember?" "That's not fair?" "You got a complaint?" "Take it to the floating head" "So how's work?" "Fine" "You seeing anybody special?" "Nope" "Charlie did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained because you won't let me in." "You won't share" "You know why I won't share with you, Mom?" "Because anything I say will be used against me" "Oh please" "I have go to the bathroom?" "Maybe I have a prostate problem" "I buy a new Mercedes you call it a Nazi phallic symbol" "I'm seeing someone new you ask if I'm paying her by the hour or per shtup" "Charlie when I say those things it's because I want to help you" "You're my son" "I want you to be the best you can be" "I appreciate that but you can stop worrying" "I'm doing fine" "I am the best I can be" "Oh, darling that just breaks my heart" "Why would he do this to me?" ""Take care of your mother. "" "Not like she ever took care of him" "She nagged him humiliated him emasculate him" "The main reason he died so young is 'cause he wanted to" "Charlie!" "My donut's soft again" "Be right there" "Why?" "Why do you want me to take care of her?" "Charlie!" "I'm coming!" "Come on Talk to me" "Give me a sign" "ROSE Marry that cute girl down the beach." "Rose" "Yes that's her name" "You know what?" "You can tell me in person because I am this close to sticking my tongue in a light socket!" "ROSE Why don't you stick your tongue in my mouth instead?" "ROSE I mean, Rose's mouth." "What are you watching?" "Some old gangster movie" "Any good?" "Not really" "Just gives me a warm feeling to know that all those young beautiful actors are now dead" "MAN The dame knows too much" "Want I should take care of her, boss?" "Yeah take care of her but make it look like an accident" "Don't worry about a thing" "I'll take care of her" "Sorry" "I misunderstood" "What's that dear?" "Nothing" "Hi" "Hello" "I don't know if you remember me but I'm the one who pulled you out of the ocean the other day" "Oh right, right right Thanks" "It's okay it's my job" "Well I'm-I'm glad you did it" "Anyway I was just checking in on you, see how you're doing" "I'm doing fine" "Good" "So you want to walk down to the pier maybe grab a cup of coffee?" "Gee uh I don't know" "Charlie it's time to change my butt dressing" "Ah what the hell." "Let's go"