"PUDDLE:" "Steve hated the fact that my mother was engaged to Andy." "Oh, she's coming." "Yeah, give me that gnome." "A man who, kind of, looked like this." "Perfect!" "He'd even come up with a theory about why they were together." "Your magic spell is about to be broken, gnome." "And he was about to see if he had been successful undoing the spell." "Oh, there she is!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Sleep well?" "Have any, uh, interesting dreams?" "You've asked me that same exact question for two weeks now and I keep telling you that..." "Wait a minute." "I do remember my dream." "Was it horseback riding, or...?" "It was!" "How did you know?" "PUDDLE:" "He knew it because, believe it or not, he'd actually spent the last few weeks trying to make her have that dream." "And let's get my scent and pump it into her tree house." "And pictures of me." "Change all the photos we have framed into photos of me." "Done." "Oh, no, what's going on here?" "It's an idea I got from this book about mind control." "For some reason, I felt compelled to buy it before I even knew why, but now I do." "This is clearly what Andy's been doing to control Emmy into staying engaged to him." "Well, now it's my turn, and I'm gonna permeate her subconscious mind with hidden images and secret suggestions to point out how wrong Andy is for her and how I'm her knight in shining armor." "Like in a romance novel." "STEVE:" "That is a great idea." "I'll have a romance novel written about star-crossed lovers who deserve to be together, but can't." "Not unlike ourselves, but less premise-heavy." "And I'll leave it around for her to read." "PUDDLE:" "And so, operation dump-Andy began." "And pack it full of subliminal sex stuff, you know." "He hired a romance novelist to write a novel." "You don't need to shy away from double entendre." "Like have her eating a banana while he's making love to her." "He posed for the cover of the book." "Of course, he got Andy in there, too." "He even redid his kitchen so he could have these placed all around the mansion." "All to lead up to this." "So what happened while you were horseback riding in this dream last night?" "Okay, we were in the woods, and the rider and I" "(WHISPERING) made love." "Who is this rider that you clearly prefer to the..." "Was there some kind of a..." "I don't know, like a..." "Like an eco-gnome that you were being rescued from?" "GNOME: (IN SQUEAKY TONE) Aw, come on!" "That's right." "It was Andy." "Andy?" "Andy saved me from you, and then he took me into the woods, and he (WHISPERING) made love to me." "No!" "That can't be!" "That's not the way this romance goes." "It's like hearing that Prince Charming dry-humped Sleeping Beauty right before he" "(WHISPERING) kissed her." "Yes, it is disappointing." "As bad as finding out that someone would try to subliminally manipulate your unconscious with mind games!" "What gave me away?" "I don't know." "Maybe the fact that copies of this book are on the floors of every bathroom in this house." "Why did I buy so many copies of this?" "Hey, wait." "Emmy, hang on." "Wait, I shouldn't have tried to control your mind." "Emmy!" "Look, Emmy, Emmy, Emmy, I'm sorry." "Okay, yes, it was a bad idea." "I should have been more direct." "I was only worried that Andy had already done it to you." "Because my mind is so weak and I'm that easy to program?" "Does that seem like who I am?" "Not when you say it like that." "I couldn't think of any other reason why you'd be with a guy like him." "I mean, I'm sorry, but where's the romance?" "Okay, first of all, not that it is any of your business, but he and I have a mature relationship." "It is not one based off of dreams and fairy tales, horses and gnomes, like that little romance novel you left lying around, about the King of, what was it, Banana-land?" "Interesting that you'd remember that." "Did it ever occur to you that I'm engaged to Andy because I love him?" "No." "I can honestly say that it's never occurred to me that you love him." "Well, I do." "Okay, well, then forgive the schoolyard quality of this taunt, but if you love him so much, why don't you marry him?" "What are you talking about?" "I'm engaged to him." "For six years." "There's a reason that you haven't married this guy." "Yeah, we can't afford it." "We always imagined that our wedding would be this big celebration with all of our friends, and, no, we haven't had a lot of time or money to make that happen." "Well, then you're in luck, because those are two things that I have a great deal of." "Yes, but I don't want to marry you, Steve." "Hey, look, I don't want to marry anyone." "What I'm saying is, if it's important to you," "I'd be happy to pay for it and take care of everything." "So it wouldn't bother you if I ran off and married Andy." "If it would make you happy, I'd be thrilled." "Thrilled now?" "Wow!" "That's right." "I would be careful if I were you, because if you offer to throw me a wedding," "I will take you up on it." "Well, then consider it offered." "Consider it taken." "PUDDLE:" "But Migo was concerned." "Wow, man." "You just got manipulated." "No, you were right." "I just needed to be more direct." "Once she asks me not to throw this wedding, she's gonna have to admit that she doesn't love this guy." "No, Steve." "Being direct is looking somebody in the eye and saying, "You don't want to do this, Steve."" "Yeah." "First of all, even an idiot would get that, although you did say "Steve"." "Look, I'm telling you as a friend, weddings are powerful, archetypal type things." "You know how I ended up getting married?" "I met with my girlfriend to explain how I'd never get married!" "You don't mess with weddings." "Don't worry." "It's just a game of chicken." "Yes, but it will become a game of chicken or fish." "PUDDLE:" "I had just found out that Steve was throwing a wedding for my mom and Andy." "What are you rushing into that for?" "You've only been engaged for six years." "Look, Andy and I are gonna get married someday, but now is not the time." "And I am certainly not gonna let the guy who's trying to drive me away from Andy throw the wedding." "The priest would probably end up being Fa'ad in disguise." "Well, you better stop Steve if you don't want to get married." "I can't do that." "He'll think I don't want to get married." "See, the thing is, he won't admit that he would be devastated if I did something like that." "So I am going to call his bluff." "Don't worry." "I won't let him spend any real money." "I don't know if this is such a good idea." "That's because you're a child, and what you don't understand is that sometimes when somebody tries to make you do something, you do the opposite just to prove you don't want to be told what to do." "PUDDLE:" "I did understand." "And that's why when my mom said..." "Don't you go telling Steve that's what I'm doing, because I know you're gonna want to." "I did the mature thing." "So you're sure she's bluffing." "Absolutely." "She said she wouldn't let you spend any real money." "She just wants to hear that you'd be hurt if she married Andy." "Oh, thank goodness." "I've gotta tell you, Steve," "I went to go tell my wife about how crazy this thing was that you're doing, and we'd like to invite you to a party in which we'll be renewing our vows, you bastard." "Well, I hope it's not on the same day that I'm throwing Emmy's wedding." "Oh, no." "Yep." "Lunt's already been brainstorming." "What do you got?" "I'm thinking maybe they could hunt and eat the doves we release." "Are you out of your mind?" "I've never done a hippie wedding before." "I don't know." "No, Steve, I don't think you understand what I was saying." "He does." "Oh, I did." "I am this close to getting Emmy to admit that she doesn't want to marry Andy." "But what if she doesn't do that?" "Oh, she will." "You said it yourself." "Once I spend any real money, she'll put an end to it." "So it's time to start spending." "Do you think that's a good idea?" "It's not, and he does." "I don't get it." "Oh, honey, you're a child." "You don't understand that in a situation such as this, it becomes incumbent upon the adult who's accused of bluffing to say," ""I know you are, but what am I?"" "So we're on again for the responsible eco-wedding?" "I think it's time for us to do what I do best." "Irresponsible." "PUDDLE:" "It's times like these I wish I could stop worrying about everything and just be a grown-up." "(CHATTERING)" "In the days that followed," "Steve started throwing money at a lavish wedding planned for my mom, who turned out to be more interested in saving her pride than spending Steve's money." "First, she started adding names to the guest list." "Steve countered by adding more." "Then my mom wanted to redo the place settings because they clashed with the architecture of Steve's house." "Yeah, this is..." "No, no, no, no, no." "So Steve suggested going medieval with the whole wedding and created a fairytale theme." "So my mom acted like she was all for it and suggested adding shows and games of skill." "So Steve pretended he loved that and decided to open it to the public." "And that's how my mom's little family and friends eco-wedding became,  Things to do on Long Island This Weekend's number one family fun pick." "But neither one ever blinked in the game of chicken, until this." "This is how much you've spent on this wedding." "Sometimes, Migo, in a game of chicken, you gotta be willing to..." "No, no, no, I'm not gonna spend that." "Yeah, it's more like a game of lobster." "And she doesn't look like she has any intentions of backing down." "Yeah, but Puddle said she wouldn't let me spend any money." "Puddle also said she doesn't know why Mr. Lunt has never been married after all these years." "Yeah, perhaps I have put too much faith in the wisdom of this tent-schooled jungle child who combs her hair with a stick." "Yes." "I think so, too." "You know, I think it's time that you admit that it would kill you if she married Andy." "You're right." "I'll go feel it out." "(SIGHS)" "Or..." "Or you could just admit it." "I'm going to end up wearing tights." "I just know it." "PUDDLE:" "My mother was also having a change of heart." "(SIGHING) This is really beautiful." "Maybe a little more lace at the hem." "Mom, isn't this enough?" "You're right." "The veil will have lace." "God, this is so beautiful." "I mean, this whole thing, it's like (SIGHS) a fairy tale." "(GIGGLES)" "Hey, cute dress." "Listen, I've been thinking, this whole thing started because I thought you were bluffing." "I know you did." "And you know what?" "I was." "Really?" "PUDDLE:" "And that's when Steve decided to up the ante." "Well, that's why I really do want what's best for you as a friend." "And if that means marrying Andy, well, then that's something that you absolutely should do." "I'm so happy to hear you say that, because this is my dream." "I want this wedding, all three separate admission days of it." "And the most moving part of it to me is that this is actually something that you're giving to me, aside from your take at the door." "You truly are my dearest friend, and I had no idea you were capable of such maturity." "(CHUCKLES) Oh, well." "PUDDLE:" "Nothing subliminal there." "Yes." "(PHONE RINGING)" "PUDDLE:" "Steve had gone from pretending to throw a wedding for my mom to actually throwing one." "If you're calling about additional parking, there's still plenty of room available in the Sir Lance-lot." "FA'AD: (OVER PHONE) I have no idea what you're talking about." "I'm calling to invite you to my Last Three Days of Pompeii extravaganza." "You don't have anything going on this weekend, do you?" "Fa'ad, is that you out there?" "No..." "Yes." "I just thought I'd pop by and see your little renaissance..." "What is it, a cute birthday party for Puddle or something?" "No, Fa'ad, please." "I'm not competing with you." "This is a wedding that I've backed myself into throwing." "(SIGHING) Oh, thank God." "I had nothing." "My entire staff want the weekend off for some reason." "Look, just come inside." "PUDDLE:" "And so Steve explained how preparing for a wedding Front door, you fool." "had gotten my mother in the mood for one." "Well, I suppose the conscious mind can be pretty powerful, too." "Ah, looks like Andy's pretty serious about getting married." "It's funny you should say that." "Because during this whole wedding planning, his name has hardly come up." "It's like I'm much more of a groom in this thing than he is." "I'm even standing in for the guy at the wedding rehearsal today." "Wow, talk about subliminal." "Perhaps you're the one she wants to marry." "Oh, do you think..." "No, come on," "I'm definitely not ready for that." "Oh, of course not." "But all you have to do is to convince Emmy that you're the man of her dreams and not Andy." "Right." "And once Andy's out of the way," "I can see if there's anything real between us, while having lots of sex and stuff and telling everyone she's my girlfriend." "You're growing more mature every day." "I know I am, but what are you?" "Mmm, yes, and when I'm filling in for the groom at the rehearsal today," "I could just say something moving." "In fact, that little romance novelist owes me a second rewrite." "Maybe I'll have him take a crack at it." "I mean, all I need is a little speech about how there's only one real love that needs to be celebrated." "And each day, that love grows stronger." "Well, I pledge to you on this day that my heart will be as full as this free collector's tankard I hold before you now." "For it's our destiny to be here together." "And it's a destiny born of the deepest love." "PUDDLE:" "And it actually did kind of get through to somebody." "Well done, man." "Wow, that romance novelist can really shovel it out, eh?" "Actually, I came up with that on the spot, and I meant every shovelful." "It just got through to the wrong person." "I really want to marry Emmy." "Emmy, wait, I just..." "Oh, that was really..." "Yeah, no, I, uh..." "Just never expected to hear you..." "Oh, I just never thought I'd say those words." "God, you know, if you weren't flying out your family and Andy, I'd..." "Oh, I'm not flying out anyone" "I thought you took care of that." "Wait, do you mean that Andy doesn't know about this wedding?" "Not a word." "And yet here we are." "We've done everything but seal it with a kiss." "Well, since nobody told the groom, maybe I should just keep filling in." "Oh, I phoned the groom." "I even sent him a bus ticket." "He should be here any time now." "Oh, there he is!" "Oh, my god." "This is all for me?" "(LAUGHING) Hey, thanks for warming her up, Steve." "I'll take it from here." "Come here, my little burning man." "Oh!" "PUDDLE:" "Steve was throwing a rehearsal dinner for a wedding he didn't want to throw." "A song on the lute for the man who has none." "Although everyone else kind of got swept up in the mood." "* The man who's paying for your wedding" "* Shall not be doing any" "* Bedding *" "Thank you, Fahrud." "And I would like to make a toast to my fair maiden, Emmy." "Soon you shall be in my bed once again." "(CHUCKLING) It's been a while." "Last few years have been difficult, and having your daughter in the tent, uh, doesn't exactly help, but, um, just wanted to say that I'm ready to go again." "Also, to the man who's throwing this wedding for reasons I don't completely get, please raise a glass to pig, Steve Wilde." "He's the one who calls me a pig, and yet he's content to stuff his snout in the trough of my inheritance." "Yeah, well, you didn't exactly inherit Emmy, did you, big guy?" "She belongs to me." "Belongs to you?" "Yeah." "Oh, so she's a possession who belongs to you now, is that it?" "Hey, excuse me." "She lives in my tree house!" "Stop it, both of you!" "I hate what happens when the both of you get together." "I'm not gonna do this the day before my wedding." "Honestly, we have a little theme for my wedding, and the two of you just get carried away with this whole medieval rivalry." "Well, I shall have none of it!" "For tomorrow, I wed thee!" "Huh." "Rivalry." "It takes someone of equal stature to be a rival." "What I lack in height, I make up for in my lady-pleasing." "Oh, my lady-pleaser is doing just fine, thanks very much." "Besides, she's not some prize to be fought over." "No, she's a prize I've already won." "Then perhaps you'd be willing to wager such a prize." "And what's the nature of this challenge?" "This challenge?" "This challenge could be any number of..." "I see you're noticing that sharp pole out yonder window way." "Yes, I am indeed." "So it shall be a dance around the maypole." "* A dance, a dance" "* Two men in tights shall prance" "* Though what they think's a maypole" "* Is clearly just a lance *" "He's right." "That's not a maypole." "That's a jousting pole." "Then even more perfect." "Let's joust." "And the loser walks away from Emmy forever." "And the winner marries her forever." "Tomorrow at dawn." "Dawn is for duels." "Then high noon." "Great, high..." "No, high noon's really sticky around here." "Oh, I've noticed that." "Uh..." "How about, like, 10:30 or 11:00 or something?" "Oh, that's fine for me." "Right after brunch?" "After brunch!" "After brunch!" "PUDDLE:" "So the joust was set." "Unfortunately for Steve, he didn't know what a joust was." "MIGO:" "I think you're getting a little carried away here, Steve." "Don't you feel a little unprepared?" "Not at all." "Been working all morning with that romance novelist, and I got some real zingers, like, uh," ""Poor Andy." "His head is nothing but cheek." ""Yeah, you heardeth me." "Butt cheek."" "(LAUGHING)" "No, I get it." "I wouldn't close with it." "But this isn't a contest of wits." "I think you're thinking "jests"." "This is a joust, where two men charge at each other on horses, carrying long wooden lances and trying to knock each other off." "Oh, my God, wait." "I could really get hurt in this thing." "Yes, but if you win, you get to marry Emmy." "No, that's what I'm talking about." "I'm not ready to get married." "I think I just got a little carried away." "I think everybody had a little too much mead last night, so if you want to call it quits on this thing..." "No, I gotta go through with this." "I mean, okay, I don't want to marry her, but if I don't show up, I'm gonna look like a coward, and I can't have that." "Okay, but I shall go with you, for I am but your humble servant." "You lost your wristband again, didn't you?" "You know, I told the guy I work for Mr. Wilde." "He says, "Oh, yeah?" "Well, tell him to tell me that."" "FA'AD:" "* Lunt heard that Steve ran off" "* To joust instead of to jest" "* He ran to Emmy as fast as he could" "* While basically wearing a dress *" "(PANTING) I need your help." "Are you okay?" "Do I need to call an ambulance?" "Yes, but not for me." "For Steve." "He's engaging in some crazy challenge of skill with Andy for your hand." "He is?" "How sweet." "Wait." "No, it isn't." "How dare he." "How dare either of them." "They think they can just have a competition to decide who I'm gonna marry?" "I don't get it either." "Throw a stick at any organic co-op, you'll hit 10 of you." "Excuse me." "I meant hairbrush." "So, wait, they think I'm just gonna be swept away by some knight in shining..." "Oh, my God, that is exactly what I'm doing." "Maybe that's what they're doing with this whole stupid challenge." "What is the challenge exactly?" "They're mounting horses, they're waving giant poles at each other." "It couldn't be more phallic if Sigmund wrote it himself." "And remember, Steve's a pretty good horseman." "Didn't you meet Andy..." "When he was jousting at medieval times in Lyndhurst." "He was the black knight Wednesdays and Saturdays, and he always lived to marry the ketchups." "Steve is gonna get killed!" "Come on, Puddle!" "FA'AD:" "* The maiden raced across the land" "* But was stopped for want of a blue wristband" "I have to get through there!" "This is my wedding." "* For none shall pass" "* No lord, no lass" "* That haveth not the three day pass" "* And Steve mounted his steed" "* And readied to parry" "(CHEERING) * For the hand of a wench" "* He now hoped to not marry" "* And Andy, too, knew deep inside" "(CHEERING) * Despite his prior lies" "* That although he soon prepared to ride" "* He did not want the prize" "* And so the two began the strife" "* Both scared of a thing that's called a wife" "* Steve in yellow did look quite deft" "* Till he heaved his horse off to the left" "* When Andy did his horse command" "* To veer off to the churro stand" "Stop following me!" "* And as they raced it was hard for any" "* Without the aid of glasses" "* To work out which were the men" "* And which were the asses *" "PUDDLE:" "But even a competition among two losers must have a loser." "I call this the total loser." "(SCREAMS) Steve!" "Steve!" "ALL: (SHOUTING) Steve!" "Steve!" "Steve!" "Are you okay?" "No, I lost." "Why don't you go to..." "Are you kidding me?" "Where the heck is Andy?" "FA'AD:" "* Andy kicked and spurred" "* His sweaty beast to drive" "* Soon west onto the LIE" "* Then north on I95 *" "Are you sure you're okay?" "Yeah, fine." "Well, what were you doing?" "I don't want to marry you!" "I don't want to marry anyone!" "Not even Andy?" "Of course not." "(SIGHING) Good, 'cause that would have killed me." "(SIGHS) Well, why didn't you just say that?" "Why didn't you just say that?" "I don't know." "Because I'm stubborn, and I guess I just got caught up in this whole fairy tale." "FA'AD:" "* Which is what Andy said" "* That night in Canada" "Do I look like a terrorist?" "I mean, come on!" "* As he went to jail *" "I think this was all just a little too much for all of us." "Can we just agree never to play these stupid games of chicken again?" "Absolutely." "Although one good thing that came out of it was that Andy showed his true colors." "He was a little overwhelmed." "We both were." "It's one of the issues we need to work out." "Well, if you were serious about working out your issues, wouldn't you be in therapy?" "We would, but, you know, we can't afford it." "Well, if that's important to you," "I'd be happy to pay for your therapy." "Oh, you'd want us to work out our problems." "Well, as much as you'd want to work 'em out." "I'd be happy to work them out." "* And so it all begins again" "* And now stay tuned for the news" "* At 10:00 *"