" ( Traffic blaring ) - ( Birds chirping)" " ( switch clicks) - ( Static buzzes)" "Announcer:" "Now, more "Morning Sickness"" "with Dicky and Sludge." "Dicky: 7:35 a.m., that's 35 minutes past the hour, 25 minutes till the top of the hour..." " ( rooster crowing )" " Sludge:" "Hey, Dicky, we got a real live celebrity in here with us." " Dicky:" "Yes, we do." " Sludge:" "You all know him" " from the "Bro Show"..." " Dicky: "Bro Show"!" "Sludge: "Dude, Where's My Beer?" and "Dude, Where's My Beer?" "4."" "Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Madsen is here!" " Dicky, Sludge:" "Bruce!" " Yeah, hey." " So, Bruce, how are you, man?" " Good, good, man." "The last time I saw you, Bruce, you were with all those celebrities, you were raising barns." " What was the name of that show?" " "Celebrity Barn Raising."" ""Celebrity Barn Raising." I loved it." "But there was that mulatto chick." "Oh, my God, what was her name?" "I don't think you can say "mulatto."" " ( laughing ) - ( Alarm blares)" "Hey, Bruce Madsen will be at Hilarities Thursday through Sunday." "Jack Taylor..." "what is going on with that guy?" " He's "en fuego."" " On fire, he is." " ( Alarm bell ringing )" " So what about your old partner, man?" "He's hosting the Emmys." "What's the deal?" " This guy can't stop, right?" " He's, you know, a talented guy." " I knew it when I met him." " A long time ago, huh?" "Bruce:" "Yeah, I said, "This is the guy."" "Do you, like, ask him for loans?" "( Stammers ) No, I..." "I... well, you know, we..." "That's what I would do." "I'd be like, "Dude"..." ""Dude, where's my money?" ( laughing )" "I'm happy doing what I'm doing, he's happy doing what he's doing," " and, you know, God bless him." " And what are you doing?" " I'm doing stand-up, like, you know..." " That's what I hear." " So, you had this amazing career in TV." " Mm-hmm." "You obviously did tons of comedy before." " Now you're going back to your roots." " Yeah." "Well, you know, I started off as a stand-up, and I drifted away from my roots for a while..." " Dicky:" "You drifted." " Bruce:" "And I wanted to get back on the road with the fans." "That's where the electricity is." "You know, and I wanted to experience that rush again." "( Snoring )" "( music playing )" "♪ That truck is going somewhere ♪" "♪ I just can't be sure ♪" "♪ And tomorrow's just a day ♪" "♪ After all that's gone before ♪" "♪ And I always thought of leaving ♪" "♪ I never could stay too long ♪" "♪ Now her memory's catching up ♪" "♪ And our sweet dreams are all gone ♪" "♪ Like dust down a country road ♪" "♪ Blowing in the wind behind an ol' truckload ♪" "♪ Up before the rooster crowed ♪" "♪ There's an old dog staring at the dust ♪" "♪ Dust down a country road ♪" "♪ Blowing in the wind behind an ol' truckload ♪" "♪ Up before the rooster crowed ♪" "♪ There's an old dog staring at the dust down a country road ♪" "♪ God, there's an old dog staring at the dust down a country road. ♪" "Addison, Texas, see the rodeo's in town, yeah?" " ( Cheering )" " I like the bull riding." "We should all be more like the bull, man." "We should all be wired like that bull, 'cause that bull is living in the moment, man." "He's living for today." "I mean, think about us." "All we really are is just an accumulation of every shitty thing that's ever happened to us before today." "I don't remember getting married." "I remember getting divorced." "I don't remember when I got my television show picked up," "I remember when it was cancelled." "I just remember the bad shit." " ( laughter)" " But think about the bull." "It's just sitting there, cooped up in that aluminum pen, and he's like, "God damn it, I gotta get free, man!"" "And then at some point, a 140-pound racist from Wyoming gets lowered down onto his back, and the bull's confused." "The bull's like, "What the fuck has happened up there?"" "What is that?" "Shit, there's somebody on me!"" "And then that guy pulls on the rope and the bull goes, "Fuck, that guy just yanked on my ballsack!"" "( laughter)" ""Oh, my God, am I gonna kill this guy."" "And the bull's like, "Oh, man, if anyone was stupid enough"" "to ever let me out of this cage, I would... what?" "The door's open?" "Holy shit, it's killing time." "I'm going to take this horn, I'm gonna punch it through your sternum," ""I'm gonna wear you like a maxi pad."" "And at the last second, some guy in Wrangler "shants"" "and Robin Williams suspenders with rainbow paint on his face pops out and goes, "Hey, bull, over here!"" "And the bull's like, "Huh?"" ""Well, I was gonna... well, I guess I'll kill this guy instead."" "Imagine if every shitty thing that happened to you, you just had a rodeo clown for." ""What's that, honey?" "You want a divorce?"" ""Hey, look over here!"" ""What?" "Huh?" "What were we talking about?" "You're fucking my brother?" "I don't... there was a clown."" "Career's going in the fucking toilet, agent not returning my phone calls," "I'm doing six shows in a shitbox in Addison, Texas." "Hey, I got a rodeo clown!" "( laughter)" "Oh, sweetie, I gotta go." "I love you, too." "Okay." " Hey, great set." "Wow." " Thanks." "So, listen." "Gotta tell you, though, sad that we didn't quite make our guarantee." "We didn't make "our" guarantee?" "I have a guarantee." "I made my guarantee when I got on the Southwest flight and came to Addison, Texas." " Yeah, but think about how we did." " We sold out." "Sold out Friday, we sold out Saturday." "Whoa, whoa... early shows, okay?" "Now, the late shows, eh, about two-thirds." "I gave a lot of radio comps to get people in the seats, and we both know about tonight." " You were there." " ( Sighs )" "Oh, fuck." "Mark, I had an $8,000 guarantee." "Yeah, which we did not make." "Listen, don't worry about it." "You'll do better next time." ""Next time"?" "Oh, there's not gonna be a next time, Mark." "I..." "I guarantee there's not gonna be a next time." "Do you know that you're booked for the second week in August?" "Tender?" "(Spanish music playing )" "You gotta learn the definition of "guarantee" and "tender."" "(whirring )" "Hey! "Bro Show"!" ""Bro Show" was some funny shit." " Thank you." " What you been up to, man?" " I'm working." " Just chillin'?" "Don't worry." "Something will come up." "(whirring )" "Announcer:" "Kicks off a huge weekend with a lot of divisional rivalries." "Somebody's going to the playoffs and somebody's staying home." "Man:" "When your mother tells you to clean your room..." "Announcer #2:" "IBienvenidos, hombres!" "ise trata de la "Bro Show"!" "(dubbed voice speaking Spanish )" "Dubbed voice:" "Me llamo Jack." "Mi mejor amigo es..." "Announcer #3:" "What happens when you mix baked goods with murder?" " Joann Fluke knows." " All right, that's it, thank you." "That was our first-ever prime time special." "I hope you guys had a very good time." "That was the fastest two hours of my life." "And you know what?" "That was the greatest 10 years of my life." "I want to thank my guests George Clooney," "I wanna thank Zooey Deschanel, Jamie Foxx, Robert Downey, Jr., but most importantly, I wanna thank you." "You have made the "Jack Taylor Show"" "the number one late-night talk show." "From the bottom of my heart, thank you for doing this for me." "( Applause, cheering )" "(fan whirring )" "(classical music playing )" " How was the room, Mr. Madsen?" " Exquisite." "Great." "All right, if you could just review this and sign down there and then we'll just put a charge on the card you left when you checked in." "It's charging 250 for cleaning?" "Yes." "We are a 100% smoke-free environment." "You initialed the box saying that you would not smoke in the room." "Yeah, I..." "I don't smoke." "I didn't smoke." "Well, housekeeping did detect some smoke in the room, so..." "When I came in, I did smell something, like somebody had been smoking, like... ahem-you know, like secondhand smoke." "It's a courtesy to the next family who's gonna be in the room." "Right, but maybe they're smokers, too." "Maybe they like it." "Maybe they like ﬂuffing the pillow, going," "( sniffs ) "Finally, some nicotine," you know?" "You could just take that off, you know." "No, I'm sorry, sir, I can't." "You had guaranteed with your signature" " that you would pay the cleaning fee." " Right, guaranteed." " "Guarantee"" " I'm sorry, sir." "Word's been coming up a lot for me lately." "We are a 100% smoke-free facility." "Okay, I beat off 46 times when I was in that room." "46 times." "If you asked a family, "What would you rather have?"" "Guy smokes half a light cigarette in the bathroom or middle-aged frustrated comedian" ""attempts to shatter his high school jack-off record?"" "The bedspread looks like a Jackson Pollock." "You understand?" "But that's free?" "No box to check for jacking off?" "So, half a light cigarette..." "that's $250?" " Your signature, sir..." " Ma'am, would you rather stay in a room where a guy just smoked half a cigarette or tried to jack himself to death?" "Okay." "You know what?" "You're 100% smoke-free?" " Mm-hmm." " I don't know." "Maybe it's not quite that high." "Yeah... you're not 100%." " Sir, please." " No, I'm gonna smoke and then you'll be down to, what, the high 80s?" "But not 100." "It can't be 100." "I'm gonna smoke, all right?" "Ah..." "It's relaxing." "Should we just charge the second cleaning fee to the credit card we have on file?" "Hey, Molly." "Miss me, girl?" "How you feeling?" "Hanging in there?" "( Pop music playing )" "Sweetie, can you unlock the door for me?" "No." "You're not allowed in here." "Harper, unlock this door right now and let me into my house." " ( Clicks )" " Tina?" "You're such a pain in the ass, Harper." " Hey, Dad." " Hi, sweetheart." "Kim told us not to let you in." "Does your mom tell all your friends not to let me into my house that I paid for?" "We're under pretty strict orders." "Did you tell him?" "We both got into USC." "Oh, great, USC." "The super expensive private school?" "What is that, like, 50 grand a year?" "It's actually $60,000 a year." "Harper, don't you have something else to do?" "Facebook?" "Instagramming?" "Cutting yourself?" "( Music stops )" "What happened to our plan to go into UCLA for free?" "Dad, I was totally on board with that plan." " So what happened?" " Turns out UCLA wasn't." "You're female, you're a minority, you're a straight-A student." "They gotta take you." "Apparently, I'm not a minority at UCLA." "Turns out the place is crawling with Asians." "We need to find a school that needs Asians." "Pack your bags." "We're going to Grambling." " Mom wants me to stay local." " I need a beer." "Come on, Dad." "Don't get me in trouble." "Don't feel like you need to be loyal to your mom, you know." "We were looking through those brochures, she was eyeballing the Romanian kid." "What's with the O'Doul's?" "Where's Chad's Blue Moon?" "I think he's on some kind of master cleanse." "Well, I wish he'd marry your mother and stop the "master cleanse" of my wallet." "And by the way, I don't trust this Chad." "He's a bad influence." "A shaky role model." "I hate the idea that you're living under the same roof as a guy who drinks nonalcoholic beer." "He's gross, too." "I walked in on him masturbating in the bathroom." " Did he know you were at home?" " No, I came home early." "Eh, let's... let's not rush to judgment on that one." "I mean, Chad's a lot of things, but we'll give him a pass." "I've also been accepted to three other schools, but they're pretty far away." "And Mom likes the idea of USC because I can sleep in my own bed" " whenever I wanted." " Of course your mom likes USC." "She's like a waiter suggesting "surf and turf."" "It's the most expensive thing on the menu." " Harper:" "She's going to USC." " Fuck off, Harper." "I've actually been offered a pretty sweet scholarship from Bennington." "For the violin?" "I haven't played the violin since I was nine." "And they still offered you a scholarship?" " That's unbelievable." " It's for something I wrote, but Mom would be pretty bummed if I moved across the country." "She's gonna be disappointed no matter what." "I suggest we all stop tiptoeing around her like a cat on a hot tin roof, you know?" "We all just have to step up and look her in the eye." " ( Door opens )" " I mean, that's what I do." "Woman:" "Hello!" "We're home!" " Uh, shit." "Okay, I gotta..." " ( Door closes)" " oh"" " Bye, Dad." "Okay." "Don't tell her I was here." "Harper:" "Bruce is in the house again!" "( Door closes )" "I knew it!" "I knew you'd be in the house." "What are you gonna do, call the Feds?" "Good luck making that case." "I pay the property taxes." "Hey, half of that is Kim's money." "L..." "listen, Chad, can we just talk, man to barnacle?" "Bruce:" "How long you been living in my house?" " Three and a half years?" " 41 months." "Is that less than three and a half years?" "It's more... it's less." "You sell jewelry on eBay, right?" "Custom jewelry and dream catchers." "I gotta get me one of those dream catchers." "Those things work." "You caught my dream of living in my house." "You can sell that crap anywhere, right?" "Hell, yeah." "I'd like to do it in Montana." "Okay, so you don't need to be in LA." "See, my business forces me to live in Los Angeles." "You know, Bruce, for someone who says they have to be in LA," "I've noticed you spend a lot of time not in LA." "That house is worth five times what I paid for it." "Now, if you can convince Kim to sell it," "I'd be happy to let you wet your bald beak." "Kim and I don't have any secrets, and this is not going to be one of them." "So this is... this is gonna be one of the secrets or not gonna be one of the secrets?" "No secrets." ""No secrets." Okay." "Does Kim know about the time my daughter walked in on you beating off?" "That's an Iroquois purging ritual." "Yeah, and this is a fucking Leinenkugel." "(yells) Iroquois purging ritual!" "You should be comfortable with your own body!" "(jazz music playing )" " Michael." " Hey!" " What's up, man?" " Where's Phil?" "I don't know." "I've been here for a while." "Bruce:" "Oh." "Thanks." "Black guy beats a Jew to a deli?" "This is a first." "This isn't the first time I arrived before Phil, okay?" "Oh, no." "We've been coming here for 15 years." "You've been here before Phil one time and one time only." "And that's when you forgot to set your clock back." "All right, come on." "Let's hear it." "Black men... fastest people on the planet, right?" "Slowest pedestrians." "Listen, don't try your racist material on me." "I'm sure it killed at the Klan meeting." "You know what I do when I'm not onstage?" "I'm my real self." "I don't try material out on people" " and use funny voices." " Understood." " You see the new waitress?" " No "Maya Angelou."" "Waitress?" "Ahem." "I would like a BLT..." ""Belief, Love and Trust."" "Light on the mayo, heavy on the pride." "Freedom." "Okay, BLT." "And for you?" "Spanish omelet, and then our friend's gonna join us." " Just get him a bagel and lox." " I'll put that right in." "My child, I dream of the day when salt and pepper will one day live in harmony and share the same shaker." "Salt, pepper, and Tabasco will not have to be segregated, like they are now on the prison yard." "Okay." "I'll put that order in." "Carry on." "She got it." "She got it." "She doesn't know Maya Angelou." "She thinks you're fucking retarded." " Phil:" "Hey!" " Michael:" "Mr. Producer." " Bruce:" "Hey, Captain Sitcom." " Phil:" "Good news!" "Bruce:" "Oh, it's always good news with Phil, isn't it?" " Bulgaria is in." " Oh, my God." "You think the road we do sucks?" "Have fun in Bulgaria, Daddy Warbucks." "Oh, I don't have to go anymore." "They just adapt the show and send the checks." "But... you had to go to Russia, right?" "Yeah, that was miserable." "But then you don't have to go to Bulgaria?" "Well, we just e-mailed them the old scripts, and they wire us the money." "Now I have to kill myself." "Hey, enough already about "Right Behind You."" "Finally, enough about your crappy sitcom." "How about this guy?" "Did you tell him?" "What?" "We were talking about stuff more important." "Like what?" "What's more important?" " Maya Angelou." "Ahem." " Well, tell him." "Well, you tell him." "Michael's pilot is getting shot." "I told you... "Milk Chocolate"?" "It's about the only black dairy farmer in 1960s Wisconsin." "It's like "Green Acres" meets "Good Times."" "I thought that was a joke." "I thought you were kidding." "You're fucking serious about this?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "Well, I was gonna tell you, but I know how depressed you are when you come off the road, and I didn't wanna throw it in your face." "You didn't think I could handle it." "You didn't think I'd be happy for you?" "Are You?" "'Yes!" "No!" "I mean, I..." "I don't know." "I just... you know what?" "I'm not even hungry anymore." "Just eat my food." "I gotta talk to Baby Doll." "Sir, I beseech you, do not throw thyself on the "swo-ward" of despair." " ( Doorbell jingles)" " Uh, now that it's just the two of us, can you move over there?" "Come on, man." "♪ All out like Jenny did the Super Bowl ♪" "♪ All in on these hos like I'm D Roll ♪" "♪ You niggas bug me, I look better in my street clothes ♪" "♪ Pull up... ♪" "(doorbell rings)" "( knocking )" "(thumping )" "(whirring )" "(whirring )" "( whirring stops )" "Baby Doll, hi." "Let me just get rid of someone on the phone who isn't you." "( Chuckles )" " Bruce:" "Listen, I'm standing out..." " ( Beeps )" " ( beeps )" " Sorry." "Had to just get rid of someone who's not you." " Bruce:" "Really?" "Who?" " Well, that was another client." "The more important thing is he's not you." "I know everyone on your roster, Baby Doll." " Who was it?" " He's not you." "He's not as tall as you." " Who was it?" " Never mind who was it." "Stop with "Who was it?" It's someone who's not you." "It's someone who's not funny like you." "Really?" "You know I can see you?" "You're wearing your stupid Keith Partridge wig." "Hey, baby doll!" "( Chuckles )" " I saw what you did!" " Guess we don't need these anymore." "( Beeps )" "So you pretend to have someone on the other line?" "That's your move?" " I do it for you." " For me?" "You do it for me?" "It's like the boxing trainer who calls all his fighters "Champ."" " It boosts their confidence." " You didn't do it five years ago." "You didn't need it five years ago." "I gotta get off the road." "You gotta get me off the road." "It's killing me." "What happened to those deals?" "Remember the holding deals?" "Development deals?" "Remember those deals where you just stayed home and you made a bunch of money for doing nothing?" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "It was staring me in the face the whole time." "You know what you should do?" "You should open for Howie." "Howie Mandel loves you." "That's right, you'd be the opening act for Howie." "You know why?" "It's on the road, but it's the road done right." "The only problem with that is I'm a thousand times fucking funnier than Howie Mandel." "( Chuckles ) Really?" "You think the Who opens for Air Supply?" "Okay, and that makes you the Who in this analogy?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I'm the Who." " Howie is the Who." " Howie's not the Who." " Maybe you are the Who." "Last time I pitched you at a network, they said, "Who?"" "( laughs )" "Baby Doll, you're fucking insane." "I'm insane?" "You're sitting in a handmade house." "You see the new Jaguar in the driveway when you walked in?" "'Course you did." "You want it?" "'Course you do." "You know who's up in my bed right now?" "Everyone." "You should be thrilled because you draw so well on the road." "It's 'cause I used to be on TV." "But I don't wanna go on the road anymore, so I wanna get back on TV." "So get me back on TV." "Look, don't worry." "We'll come up with something." "I always do." "Now, come on." "You know why you came here?" "Let's see it." "Bring it in here. ( Chuckles )" "Baby Doll:" "My guy." "Hey... does one of us have a hard-on?" "( Buzzing )" " Kim:" "So..." " ( Buzzing stops ) you were in the house again?" " I was in my house." " Let me tell you something." "If you'd spent a little less time out here when we were married, you might still be living in the house." "I spoke to Tina and she said that you were encouraging her to go to school 3,000 miles away." "I was encouraging her to go to a school I could afford." " She wants to go to USC." " Well, USC is 60 grand a year." "( Sighs ) Well, can't you get another TV show?" "Another TV show?" "Why didn't I think of that?" "Well, maybe you need to start thinking more creatively." "I mean, look at that guy..." "that" that... "Tosh.0" guy." " Look at him." " Thanks for making my point." "I gotta compete with every 23-year-old YouTube Internet star and his talking fucking orange." "What do they need me for?" "Well, you better think of something, okay?" "'Cause I'm not having my little girl... my baby... go to school 3,000 miles away." "Right, because you wouldn't be able to justify living in 5,500 square feet with "Lord Sitar."" "What are you talking about?" "Sell." "Just sell." "You're living in a giant ATM and the PIN code is "Move your ass out."" "(Sighs)" "This is Tina's home, okay?" "And I am not selling it out from under her." " So this is just about Tina?" " Yes, it is." "Okay." "By the way, you look different." "Did you do something to your hair?" " Well..." " ( Saw buzzing )" "Attendant:" "May we have your attention?" "We'd like to point out our safety features." "To properly fasten your seat belts..." " Bruce:" "Hey." " Hey." "I think you're in my seat." "Oh, am I?" "I kinda like the window." "Are you cool with my sitting here?" " What's the difference, right?" " Thanks very much, man." " I appreciate it." " We're going to the same place." "( Sighs )'( my grunts)" "( chuckles )" " Come here, baby." " ( Growling )" "Good boy." " Do you like dogs?" " Yeah, I love dogs." "In yards... on the ground, you know?" "That's normally where he likes to be." "He doesn't like to be confined." "This is Raffles." "He's a service dog." "What's the service he provides?" " He's an anti anxiety dog." " Bruce:" "Mm-hmm." "He helps you." "See how he's just calm?" "Yeah." "You just want to fly with your pet, right?" "No, he's certified." " He's a working..." " He's "certified."" "You gave your doctor $50 and he certified him." "You don't even know my dog." "I mean, you barely even met." " ( Toy squeaks )" " Well, what about my anxiety?" "I have anxiety about flying with dogs." "How about that?" "I get a service pelican?" "Hey, I want you to meet Gilligan, my service pelican." "What about when the dog defecates?" "He's gotta defecate at some point, right?" " What happens when you defecate, sir?" " I don't shit in the aisle." "Aw, looks like we have a cute little furry traveler with us today." "Say hi." "Hi!" "(Coos)" "Sir, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and stow the backpack on the floor underneath the seat in front of you." "Thanks." " ( Toy squeaks )" " So, I gotta put the backpack under the seat in front of me, but the furry, farting, Lyme disease-spreading, shedding mutt... that can just stay on the gut the whole flight?" " Can we switch back?" " I'm good." "Bruce:" "How's the batting average with the hotel key card?" "For me, way under 50%." "Are you guys optimistic like me where you punch it in, you pull it out, the red light comes on and you go, "Fuck it, I'm going anyway"?" " ( laughter)" " It's just like "ka-chunk."" "Like, "What?" "Ll didn't work?"" "And then you do this move..." ""I'll just wipe this bad boy."" "Oh, yeah." "10 seconds of super denim." "Now it's gonna spring to life." "Push it in, pull it out again." "Red light again." ""Ka-chunk." Doesn't work." "And you know they're gonna make it your fault." " Key card's networking." " Oh, I'm so sorry." "The cell phone will demagnetize the little strip on the key card." "So if you can, you wanna keep those things apart from one another." " Do you carry a cell phone?" " Cell phone?" "I don't believe I know what that is." "Oh, it's one of those kind that don't have the cord on it?" "I think I have one, but I don't..." "I don't bring it outside the house." "Why would you want one of those when you travel?" "And then she tosses it back on you again." "Do you have a credit card in your wallet?" "I have a credit card." "It's in a Mason jar." "It's buried in my backyard." "I don't travel with it." "( Chuckles ) I wasn't born yesterday." "You wanna try and keep those apart from one another, if you can." ""You know what?" "You're right, sweetheart."" "I really should have just duct-taped it to a mop handle..." ""and carried it over my fucking head when I went out to dinner that night."" "And this one..." "You might have used it too quickly." " Did you go straight to your room?" " Oh, boy." "I got egg on my face." "I went right to the room." "I'm one of these maniacs that when you say, "There's your elevator."" "You're on the fifth floor," I just go to the elevator." ""Normally when I check in,"" "you know, I'll hit a local homeless shelter, maybe swing by the park and blow a tranny." "You're right, I should have killed at least seven hours before I had any business going to my fucking room" ""and beating..." "I mean, taking a nap."" "(audience laughing )" "And my agent said I need to get my eyebrows waxed, you know." "Or... sorry, my eyebrow waxed, you know, so I have two of 'em when I go out on auditions." "So I went into the waxing place." "They said, "What shape do you want them in?"" "And I said, "What do you mean?"" "They said, "We'll shape 'em." "What shape do you want 'em in?"" "And I said, "Oh, just shape 'em so it looks like I'm interested."" "( laughter)" "You know, that way, when my wife comes home and starts telling me about her coworker with a cat," " you know, I'm already..." " Bruce, you're divorced." "Yeah." " I guess it didn't work." " ( Laughter)" "Here you go." "You know, my son, he loves those "Bro Show" DVDs." "I bet you get a nice slice of that action?" "You'd think if you'd create and star in a show that you get a nickel on the back end?" "No." "I make a fucking penny on those things." "But you know that." "I'm here." "I'm playing your shitbox, right?" "Hey, guess what." "The job ain't over." "You gotta do a meet-and-greet with those radio contest winners." "Aw, fuck." " All right, let's get this over with." " Come on." "There you go." "Right over here." "Well!" "This is a surprise." " Look at you." " Great show." "I'm Sarah." "Yeah." "I'm Bruce." "You're... you're the contest winner." " ( Bottles rattling )" " I'm actually... ( yelling ) "Bro Show"!" " Oh, my God." " Is this the winner?" " That's her." " Yeah, Bruce!" " Makes sense." "Yeah." " ( Woman moans)" "Hey, if you don't shit, you don't have to wash your hands." "I'm Jane." "I learned that from the "Bro Show."" " And she's drunk." " She's drunk?" " But I love you." " All right, but you own it." "So what did they make you do, 'cause you gotta jump through some hoops to win those tickets..." "like "caller 107."" "No, I just called in." "But, like, hair-trigger finger dial, pow!" "Like you gotta jump on it, right?" " No, I just called in." " Bruce: "For the phrase that pays."" "No." "I got home, I made some salsa, and they said, "Do you want six?"" "And I was like, "Pfft!" "No!" "Two is good."" " They offered you six tickets?" " Yeah." "Jane:" "I just called 'em up, you know?" "They wanted-my mom..." " I understand that now." "Okay." " Okay." " You guys are an unlikely duo." " Yeah." "We used to work together." "I had to drag her out." "Like, she don't wanna come." " I had to drag her with me." " Bruce:" "Uh-huh, uh-huh." " Jane:" "She had a good time." " Now I'll be driving us home." "After you come to the bar and get a drink." " Jane:" "Huh?" "Come on." "No?" " No, no, no." "It's a really long drive." "We should get going." " This one lives in the sticks." " Oh, yeah." "I live in New Hampshire." "New Hampshire?" "No state income tax." "Yeah, that's right, the "Live Free or Die" state." "Right, but I'm guessing about midwinter, the second choice seems like a better option." " All right." " Sarah:" "Here we go." "Okay." "You gonna come by my house?" "Okay, come on." "Nice to meet you." " Bruce:" "All right." "Hey." " Jane:" "Bye." " Good to meet you." " Jane:" "I love you." " ( Door shuts )" " Bruce:" "Hey, buddy." "Hey!" "There he is." "My man!" "So good to see ya." "Wow, my gosh, you look thin." "Airline portions." "Hey, we should get a steak at Mastro's soon." "Let's do it." "Any night." "I'm free." "Not now." "You know, another time when I'm not so slammed." " I'm really busy." "Yeah." " Right." "Hey, have a seat." "Have a seat, sit down." "Sit down, my man." "So, what do I owe the pleasure?" "I need a favor." "All right, how much do you need?" " I don't need money." " You don't need money?" "I heard you were living in your garage." "It's a garage, but I turned it into a guest house." "I just wanna be close to Tina." "No, I was just thinking... you know, I got a ton of new material and it's been forever since I've been on your show." "Yeah, definitely." "Definitely." "Let me..." "let me run it up the flagpole, okay?" "But you're the ﬂagpole." "No." "Hey, man, when we moved to 11:30, everything changed." "Everything goes through the network now." "The network is the flagpole." "But I'll tell you what." "I'll run it up the network flagpole." " Sit tight." "You comfortable?" " Yeah." "You should be, man." "You're my man." " ( Phone ringing ) - ( Door shuts)" "( door opens )" "Jack:" "They're so much heavier than you think they're gonna be." " Yeah." " My man, I have great news." "So what night are we talking about?" "What night?" "Every night." "Every night?" "You come to work on the "Jack Taylor Show"" "every single night," "Monday through Friday..." "every night." "Cohost?" "Announcer?" "It's the "Jack Taylor Show."" "I'll just be like a sniper in the weeds just throwing in zingers." "I meant more... you come... okay, you... you do stand-up before the show." "On your feet, telling jokes in front of a live audience, you know, audience..." "audience warm-up guy." "You want me to warm up your audience?" "Of course." "I'd be honored." "Audience warm-up guys make a lot of money, Bruce." "( Scoffs )" "You want me to be your fluff er, Jack?" "That's fucking humiliating." "I can't believe this is how you look at me." "I don't look at you that way, Bruce." " That's how the business looks at you." " Then fuck the business." "I don't get you, man." "( Stammering ) You think this business is like a "punt, pass, and kick" competition where all that matters is being funnier than everybody else." "Isn't that what it's about, being funny?" "Wake the fuck up, Bruce." "Funny has, like, a little bit to do with it-this much." "It's like the figure skating compulsories." "You go around, you do a figure eight, yeah, that's cool." "But what you're judged on in this business is the long program." "You're using figure skating analogies, Jack?" " You've changed, buddy." " You haven't, Bruce." "You never wanted to put in the work." "The real work... of building a career." "So instead, what do you do?" "You hide behind your rebel flag?" "You're fucking "Cliché Guevara," man." "I'm offering you a job, Bruce." "It's a good job." "Take the job!" "Audience warm-up?" "I'd rather kill myself." " Who wants Jelly Bellies?" " ( Cheering )" "Sir, I can see you brought your own jelly belly." "Are you a big Jack Taylor fan?" "Not really." "I'm just here to see Rise Against." "Just here to see the band, huh?" "( Audience booing )" "Not here to see my buddy Jack Taylor, huh?" "All right." "Well, I'll ask Jack to power through the monologue so we can get the band out here for ya." "Yeah, and while you're at it, be sure to ask him for another job." "Like, maybe he needs his balls waxed." " ( laughter)" " Crowd:" "Oh!" "All right, yeah, that's good stuff coming from a guy who's wearing Crocs." "The thing about Crocs is, uh... it's a lot like being blown by a dude." "It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay." "Hey, fuck you, man!" " My brother's gay." " Relax, chill out." " ( Mic feedback squeals) - ( Audience gasps)" "(grunting )" "( audience gasps )" "(grunts)" "Announcer:" "Are you guys ready for your headliner?" "( Cheering, applause )" "You will recognize him from the "Bro Show"" "and his many appearances on "Jack Taylor Live."" "He was a nationally syndicated radio show host." "He was a "New York Times" best-selling author." "You may remember him from "Dude, Where's My Beer?"" "He is the voice of Toe Jam on Saturday morning's "Rumpus Rompers."" "He was named by "Rolling Stone" as a top-100 comedian of 1999." "Please give a warm "Wonkers" welcome to the first runner-up on "Celebrity Barn Raising,"." " Mr. Bruce Madsen!" " ( Cheering, applause )" "Thank you, thank you." " ( Man whistling )" " Thanks so much for coming... coming out with, uh..." "What do we got going here?" "Oh, uh, the hearing impaired." "Do you just say whatever I say?" "So I just say "cocksucker" and... (audience laughs)" "I just say cocksucker and... ( laughter)" "You..." "Huh?" "( laughter)" "Bruce:" "Come on." "I like my balls tickled." "Look at this guy." "No wonder he's not laughing." "He doesn't know what's going on right now." "All right, I'm gonna move on." "I wanna see some laughing out of him." "You better step up your game." "Ceiling fans." "Could we put a little LED light on these motherfucking devices so I can tell when it was shut off versus on slow versus on vortex versus on medium." "Why does it even have the goddamn mode where it moves no air?" "Shouldn't it just have medium and high?" "Do we need the "not doing anything"" "adding ambiance to me beating off in my bedroom?" "(audience laughing )" "Sucking my own cock." "Don't." "Don't short-trip my junk with that move." "That's fly fishing." "That's not cocksucking." "All right, now listen, I'm just saying this." "This guy's not fucking cracked a smile the whole night." "I've seen more movement out of an ice sculpture." "Guy's been a fucking cigar-store Indian dipped in liquid nitrogen and hung in outer space." "What I'm saying is..." "is are you screwing my jokes up?" "Don't ask him if you're screwing up." "I'm asking you." "What are you doing?" "I'm trying." "You're trying, but, I mean, do you..." "Why isn't he laughing?" " I can't make you funny." " ( Laughter, applause)" " ( dance music playing )" " Cheers, whoa!" " Yay." " This is the last one, though." " What?" " Come on." "Such a baby." " Damn, that's good." " Bartender." "Whoo!" "Isn't that that guy from that show?" "Oh, my God, that's totally that guy from, like, that..." "the "Celebrity Barn" thing?" "No, no, that's that guy, that, uh, "Bro Show" guy." "That's it!" "That's it!" " Hey, yo." "Yo!" " Women: "Bro Show"!" " Oh, my God!" " What's up?" "Our husbands totally love that show." "Except for Margaret's, but he's bi, though." "Fuck off, Nancy." "He is not bi." "Hey, come have a shot with us." " I'm just getting a nightcap." "I'm good." " Oh, come on!" "Tequila!" "Tequila!" " Come on." " Look, here he comes." "Nancy's divorce is final." "It's Carol's birthday." " We're celebrating." " Mm-hmm." "Just a little one." "Come on." "Let's celebrate!" "Cheers to the brew." "I must be really loaded 'cause these are actually starting to taste good." "You guys aren't driving tonight, are you?" "Oh, hell, no." "We got a suite." "Does it look like we drive?" "You're taller than you look in person." " Thank you." " Hey." "Hey, hey." "How about your buddy Jack Taylor?" " Now, that guy is killing it, right?" " Oh, my God." " He must be so rich." " No, you must fucking hate him." "No, why does everyone think that?" "I love the guy." "I mean, I'm thrilled." " Okay." " I am, I'm thrilled." "I am." "He's a friend." " I'm happy for him." " Uh-huh, yeah, you know what?" "Hey, Carol, if you were thin and rich, I'd hate you." "Well, we don't have to worry about that." "Oh, fuck you, Janet." "Fuck you." "Whoa!" " Bruce:" "Okay." " Easy, tiger." "Don't get jumpy." "What channel was that show on?" "I haven't heard of it." "It wasn't on QVC, Margaret, so how the fuck would you know?" "Oh, my God, I'm so fucking psyched to be divorced!" " ( Cheering )" " About time!" "It's about time." "I haven't been with another man since I was 19." " Not so sure about that." " Excuse me." " Well, intercourse, anyway." " ( Women laugh )" "19 couldn't have been that long ago, right?" " I mean, look at you." " Oh, my God, so sweet." "20 fucking years." "( Gasps )" "Um..." "I wanna suck your dick." "Me, too." "What?" " I mean, I want that for us." " Oh." "Hey, hey, another round of shots, please." "Come on." "You know what?" "Nancy and I are gonna head up to my room." "I'm gonna give her a tour of my minibar." " Oh, is that what you call your cock?" " ( Women laugh )" " She's funny." " "Minibar."" "All right, ladies, enjoy your evening." "I'm gonna suck his dick." " ( Retches, coughs) - ( Knocking on door)" "Bruce:" "Are you okay in there?" " Yep, I'm good." " ( Toilet flushes)" "You need... you need..." "so you want some help in there?" "I can get something from the minibar." "Do you want a Pepsi or something?" "No." "No, I'm okay." "I'm gonna be ready in just a minute." "Are you... is that a lighter?" " Are you... are you smoking?" " ( Doorknob rattles)" "Yeah, just one." "It helps to settle my stomach." "Okay, no." "No, no, no." "Put the cigarette out right now." " What?" " Cigarette out." "Sweetie, don't worry." "I'll finish your fucking blowjob." "I need you to put the cigarette out right now." " Throw it in the toilet." " Oh, my God." "You totally sound like my ex-husband." "Just fucking throw it in the toilet right now." "Just put it out right now." " ( Scoffs ) Relax." " ( Doorknob rattles)" "I only smoke when I drink." "What are you, the fucking Surgeon Admiral?" "I don't give a shit about your health, sweetie." "I need the cigarette out right now." "Fuck you, asshole." "I..." "I'm sorry." "I take that back." "I don't..." "I don't mean it." "I care about you." " ( Doorknob rattles)" " You do?" "I do, I do, I do." "Could you just..." "I'm sorry." "Just-just put the cigarette out and come on out." "You really do?" "I do care about you." "Ls the cigarette in the toilet?" "Tell me one more time." " I care about you." " Mm." "And I care about your health." "And just come on out." "Okay." "Whew!" " Now where were we?" " Oh, no, no, no." " ( Gasps)" " No, no." " You've got..." " Are you fucking crazy?" " We got the towels in here." " Oh, my God." " It's a..." " Why do I always find the crazy ones?" " I don't even get it." " We have a cloth shower curtain." " You're an asshole!" " Hey, listen, don't go." "Not the robe!" "Don't take the robes." "They charge for the robes." "( Whispers ) Fuck!" "( Card scanner beeps )" "Fuck!" "Fuck." "Fuck." "Shit." "(P.A. chimes)" "Oh, my God, it's "Bro Show"!" "Yo, I'm first class with "Bro Show"!" "Uh, I'm pushing onto coach." "You're not going to coach, man." "Stop fucking with me." "I watched you in college." "We would get high." "We would watch "Bro Show."" "Sit your ass down, man." "It's gonna be the best fucking flight ever." "Doctor's orders." "No leg room, no free booze." "He... he said it." "I'll see you on the way out, though." "Man!" "My boys are gonna freak." "Bruce:" "So, let me get this straight." "You just stand there and read?" "Yep." "That's why it's called a reading." "( Chuckles) I mean, you're 17." "You're a genius." "I-l... it's not that impressive." "If I read, that'd be a big deal." " I have a disability." " Okay." "You ever think about getting back in the game?" " Mixed martial arts?" " No." "Dating." "I don't know about that." "You don't think I'd get enough hits on Christian Mingle?" ""DWM with a sharp wit and a heart of gold"" "who can build or fix anything seeks SWF for a romantic second act" ""that will prove F. Scott Fitzgerald wrong."" "Bruce:" "How about this?" ""Divorced white male seeks Asian teen to honor his request to die alone."" " I wanna post this." " I don't know." "I can't see..." "I don't have time for a relationship unless it's with that security guard at LAX, you know." "'Cause her thing is "take your shoes off, empty your pockets."" "Actually, it's a lot like being married." " ( Chuckles) - ( Horn honks)" "( pop music playing )" "I knew I'd find you here." "I got a Range Rover!" "Harper's dad got her a Range Rover?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "What the heck?" "( Gasps ) God!" "This is amazing!" " ( Squeals )" " Let's go." "Bye, Dad!" "( Phone line ringing )" " Bruce:" "Baby Doll." " Baby doll!" "This is it." "This is the one... off the road and straight to syndication." "That's the kind of money, boy." "That's the spigot that never shuts off." "Great." "What's the show?" "Baby Doll, please come in the pool with us?" "Bless your heart." "I'm talking with the guy that helped buy the pool." "You know "Close Quarters"?" "The piece of shit about a family that lives in a submarine?" "No, that hit piece of shit on NBC." "They're adding a new character..." ""Gus, the maintenance man."" "Single-cam or multi-cam?" "Single, multi..." "who gives a shit?" "I told them you are offer only." " Good." "What was their offer?" " They laughed." "But then I said, "We'll do a chemistry test."" "All right, when's that?" "Well, that didn't ﬂy, either." "But I told them you don't go to the producer session." "You go straight to the studio." "Okay, so you got me an audition?" "You're a fucking magician, Baby Doll." "No, no, no." "I don't send you to any cattle call." "You cut in line." "You're in the finals." "You're in the front." "It's basically a layup." "You know, like a..." "like a formality." "Why?" "Because I never stop working for you." "That's why, buddy boy." "In fact, I'm going right back to work now for you." "Speak to you later." "( chuckles )" "But first... time to visit the girls." "I love show business." " ( Bruce chuckles) Hey." " Man:" "Oh, Bruce." "Good to see you." "Been a long time, Jeff." " Uh, Jeffrey." " Jeffrey." "It's "Brucery."" " ( laughs )" " Oh, I see what you did there." "Ahem." "So... oh." "Um, okay." "You're gonna sit for this scene?" "Oh, you want it standing up?" "( Stammers ) I'll do it sta..." "I... standing's fine." "I just thought 'cause the chair was here." "It's an out-of-the-box choice." "If you want to go with it, just..." "I..." "I figured with the chair there, you just wanted..." " Yeah, whatever works for your acting." " No, I'll stand up." "Okay, great." "You set to go, then?" " Mm-hmm." " Okay." "Here we go." "Gus, it's good to have you aboard." "It's great to be on board, Mrs. Waterman." "Please, call me Marina." "You know, after 25 years of working on Wall Street," "I never thought I'd be doing maintenance on a moth-bailed submarine in Long Beach." "All the talk in the world's not gonna fix that leaky torpedo hatch." "Are you telling me my fly's open?" "( laughter)" "No, we actually have a leaky torpedo hatch." "Speaking of torpedoes, Mrs. Waterman, that button on your blouse is begging for mercy." "Oh, is it humid in this submarine, or is it just me?" "Oh, Mrs. Waterman." "H-hold on." "Can I just stop for one second?" "The script's really funny, but it's weird, right?" "Doing it with a... with a guy?" "Listen, we've had over 15 people in here already for this today, and nobody else had a problem, so..." "Uh, wait." "Am I 15 or 16?" "Uh, you're number 16." "Would you like to try it again from the top?" "I'd like to try it again without the bottom." "Michael:" "Houston." "Oh, Houston always sucked." "Houston just passed LA..." "worst air quality in the country." "Yeah, thanks to you and your pussy friends with their Priuses, we're not number one anymore." "Nice going." "Hey, didn't you just play Houston?" "Yeah." "A guy fell out." "They called in a favor." "I was trying to help him out." "And anyway, I got this new bit that kills." "Have you ever noticed how many pharmaceuticals would just make great names for black kids?" ""Norethindrone... get your ass on this porch at the count of..." ""don't make me come off this porch."" ""Norethiserone!" "Norethiserone!"" "I think he knocked him out." "Norethiserone!" ""Wake up, baby." "It's Mama."" " ( laughter ) - "Esperol!" "Esperol!"" "Esperol!" "They hog-tied you 'cause you didn't listen to the policeman." ""Can he hear me through this plate glass?"" ""Lathenedestrol, this is your mama."" "Don't run from me." "Don't run from me." ""Don't run from me!" "Lathenedestrol!"" "( laughter)" "Where do you come up with all the drug names?" "Well, most of the drugs, I'm taking." "( Chuckles )" "Oh, also the Teddy Pendergrass bit." " What's that?" " Teddy Pendergrass, a black man." "He's a singer." "He was quite popular just 31 short years ago." "He was what we call "violently heterosexual."" "♪ Let me hold your hand, baby... ♪" " Woman:" "Sing it!" " ♪ Mm ♪" "♪ And then I will ♪" "♪ Bust out your uterus ♪" "♪ With my big, black, knobby ♪" "♪ Crook-ended, uncircumcised ♪" "♪ Motherfucking whiffle-ball-bat-looking ♪" "♪ Duralog dick muscle I'm packing, baby ♪" "♪ Oh... ♪" "♪ Ye-ye-ye-ye-yes, yes ♪" "♪ Yes, I would, yes, I would ♪" "♪ Skeety skeet-skeet all on your titty meat ♪" "♪ With my dick juices ♪" "♪ I will paint little stars and hearts ♪" "♪ On your motherfucking forehead, baby ♪" "♪ Oh... ♪" "♪ That's how much I love you, baby. ♪" " ( laughs )" " It's real love." "That will go very nicely into "Milk Chocolate."" "( chuckles )" "What's going on with "Milk Chocolate"?" "He got seven episodes ordered." " It's mid-season." " It's on the air." " No way." " The pilot was really funny." "You saw the pilot?" "I..." "I guess my DVD got lost in the mail?" "You could've just gotten a share file?" "Bruce:" "Fuck." "This just keeps getting better." " You couldn't send me a file?" " Why?" "So you'll have more fuel for your" ""this is why everyone's stupid, the networks are retards" fire?" "No." "TV executives seem pretty dedicated to make sure that fire never goes out." "It's like the eternal flame at JFK's grave, except for JFK's grave is funnier than a network sitcom." "No offense, Phil." "(cell phone rings)" " Bruce:" "Baby Doll." " Baby doll!" "I've got great news for you." "Uh, let me guess." "This one's about a family that lives in an MRI tube?" "( Baby Doll laughing )" "I have the guy who supplies all the outdoor furniture for Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware," "Crate and Barrel, and he thinks you're hysterical." "And affordable." "And he wants you to do their entire convention here in LA." "So you got me a one-nighter in town?" "Listen, this corporate circuit is big time." "This could be just the beginning." "Listen, Baby, I'm in no mood to talk to some asswipe from IKEA." "Burt, go ahead." "Uh, actually IKEA makes prefab entertainment units." "We manufacture premium outdoor furniture." "I'm..." "I'm sorry, I didn't... it's customary for an agent to tell..." "Baby, tell me when he's on the line next time, please." "Burt:" "I would like it a little personalized, so let me give you some background on my coworkers, okay?" " You got a pen?" " Um, no, but I can grab one." "Hold on." "All right, shoot." "Burt:" "When you run a company that sells furniture, you're literally a chair man." "Well, that would make me the chairman of the board." " ( Crowd groans ) - ( Scattered applause )" "Okay, you don't have to laugh, but it would... it wouldn't hurt." "And, you know, come your review at the end of the year, it could make a major difference." "Hey, sweetheart." "How are ya?" " What else have we got?" " Hi." "Remember me?" "Yes, I..." "I do." "From, um... from the club in, uh... in Buffalo." "No." " Uh, Houston, right?" " Mm-mm." "Rooster T. Feathers, San Francisco." "( Chuckles ) Boston." "Sarah." " Oh, New Hampshire." " That's right. "Live Free or Die."" " Are you stalking me?" " ( Chuckles )" "If you're stalking me, you're doing a horrible job of stalking me." " Do you know how to stalk at all?" " No, no." "You can't take long breaks in between stalking." "I'm supposed to know you immediately." "No, my boss asked me for recommendations for entertainment for our company retreat, and I suggested that guy from that crap TV show my husband used to make me watch." "Your husband obviously has fantastic taste." "Had great taste." "He passed away." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Oh, it's okay." "It's been a while now." "It does explain where my fan base went, though." "( laughs )" "So, you work with these people, then, right?" "Yeah, I'm the head of northeast sales." "Good, because your boss..." "Burt." "He gave me, like, a little rundown." "He wanted to do, like, a roast thing." "And I wrote it down, but I don't have it." "I'm just doing 12 minutes." "Maybe you could give me some info on some of these people." "Like, I wanna give..." " Burt." " ..." "Burt his money's worth." "Sure." "Mm-hmm." "Do you have something to write with?" "Here you go." "Okay, this guy has been a major Hollywood star for well over 20 years." "You got to love him from the "Bro Show" and... oh, uh, what's the one I love him from?" "Shoot." "Where the celebrities, they raise the barns or something." " "Celebrity Barn Raising." - "Celebrity Barn Raising."" "That's crazy." "So let's..." "let's give a big hand for tonight's entertainment, Bruce Madsen." "Bruce, come on up here, buddy." "( Cheering, applause )" "Burt:" "Good to see you, man." "Thank you." "Big hand for your boss..." "Burt." "Come on, he's paying for not only the chicken, the fish, and the spaghetti, but medical and dental as well." "A hell of guy." "Uh, we got Vince Stevens." "Vince, are you out there?" "Hey, buddy." "What?" "Are you flying solo tonight?" "With that beautiful redheaded filly 3,000 miles away?" "If I had a beautiful redheaded bride like that," "I'd keep both hands on her, boy." "Let me ask you something with the redheads." "I've never been with a beautiful young redhead." "Does the carpet match the drapes?" " ( Audience gasps)" " You give her a call, 'cause I guarantee she's getting it on with the pool man right now." "And, uh, Jenelle." "Jenelle's here somewhere, too." "Hey, Jenelle." "How you doing, girl?" "Look at you." "Hey, I don't judge, you know, number one." " L-l love lesbians." " ( Audience gasps )" "Just about every movie I see is about lesbians." "I watch a lot of Internet these days." "Top?" "Bottom?" "Do they have that?" "Ls everyone just a middle?" "'Cause if I was with you, I'd have a definite preference." "I'd be top." "I would be a snowcapped peak on top of you, baby." "I mean... is she going to the bathroom?" "How's it work with the lesbians in the bathroom?" "Like, what is the code?" "You know what I mean?" "There's got to be a code..." "Hey." "What are you doing?" " I..." "I'm roasting." " You're roasting?" "You know, Vince is going through a terrible divorce right now, and Jenelle is a devout Christian." "What happened to that stuff I gave you?" "I-I wrote it down, but I didn't..." "I didn't bring it with me." "I can..." "I know somebody rides a recumbent bike or something." " I think I can make this up." " All right, thank you." "Get the fuck off." "Uh, we're gonna... we're gonna have the raffle in just a minute." "Uh, Bruce Madsen." "Bruce Madsen, everybody." " Thank you." "Thank you." " ( Booing, scattered applause )" " Burt:" "Sorry." " Wow." "( Chuckles )" "There's a bar downstairs." "Come on, I'll buy you a drink." "Bruce:" "It's the least you could do." "Sarah:" "Okay, first of all, Jenelle and Vince are both assholes." "He hit on me no less than 27 times when he was married." "And she is a chain-smoking gambling addict who never stops talking about Jesus Christ." "All right, that explains them." "But then there's me." "What did I ever do to you?" "You walked in here totally unprepared, even though you're about to make more in one night than those poor schmucks make in four months." "You couldn't do 20 minutes of homework?" "All right, hold on." "You were just messing with me?" "I don't know whether to kiss you or just hit you over the head with a barstool." "Wow." "Well, if those are my choices, please pick up the little barstool." "Well, I should head out." "I have an early flight out of LAX." "You know..." "I do a little woodworking myself." " Really?" " Yeah." "Well, if you're ever in the neighborhood, you can give me a call and I'll give you a tour of the factory." "I got a better idea." "How about you and I just blow this place and I take you on a tour of my futon?" "So irresistible." " Fucking Phil Specter." " ( Chuckles )" "He fucked it up for every horny guy in LA." "Have fun working your wood." "So this is it?" "Like, how do I get a hold of you?" "My e-mail's on the company website." "I don't know the name of the company." "Oh, my God." "No homework." "How'd you even find the restaurant?" "Hey, praise the Lord, right?" "( Birds chirping )" " ( classical music playing )" " Mmm... huh?" "Just drink it all in, baby." "This is why I like to come up here once in a while." "It's beautiful, you know?" "So serene." "I don't need serenity, I need a gig." "What you need is some perspective." "Oh, you think I need perspective?" "Baby, showbiz ain't what it used to be." "We've all had to tighten our belts." "Downsize." "Sacrifice." "I've heard enough." "( Music stops )" "Bruce:" "Oh, yeah." "Everybody's downsizing." "You downsize any more, and this time next year, there's only gonna be a $500,000 car sitting inside your house." "You know how this whole thing with Burt made me look?" "Ridiculous, like you always look?" " Like you do in that fucking wig?" " Really?" "Getting a lot of pussy with that Brillo pad, are you?" "Listen, Burt was livid." "It was like you didn't listen to a word he said." "I got some bad information from a really sexy lady." "Oh." "I hope you came twice." " I didn't even kiss her." " Jesus Christ." "You didn't get paid, you didn't get laid?" "You broke every rule in show business." " I don't care." "I got a better idea." " Oh, good." "I play a big local theater..." "the Wiltern." "The Wiltern?" "The Wiltern has 2,000 seats." "You don't have that kind of juice anymore, baby." "I'm an LA boy." "I'll pack 'em with my fans." "Let me explain something to you." "Even though he's a dear, dear friend of mine," "I just can't call Goldie and have him book you in the shows." "He's gonna want to see a guarantee." " Like what?" " Like..." ""Can you get Jerry Seinfeld to headline the show?"" " Thanks, dickhead." " Baby Doll, I let myself in." "Baby Doll:" "Hey, look who's here!" "All right!" "Bruce, you know my newest client," "YouTube superstar Jenna Marbles?" " Nice to meet you." " Baby Doll:" "A billion hits, huh?" "A billion hits." "That's a billion with a." "Come here. ( Chuckles )" "Try and fuck me, I will slit your throat." "It'd be worth it. ( Chuckles )" "That's why the kids love her, by the way." "Get in the car." "We're going to lunch at the Ivy." " Oh, isn't she great?" " ( Car door opens)" "Well, you got the code." "You know how to get out." "So use the code and get out." "Hasn't taken me to the Ivy in 14 years." "Car's going down, how about you?" "Jenna:" "You're going to fucking get pepper sprayed." "( Baby Doll laughs)" "( hip-hop music playing )" "(engine starts)" "Tina:" "I don't understand." "If you're miserable on the road, why do you keep going out there?" "First off, everyone's miserable." "I mean, you think roofers and carpet cleaners aren't miserable?" "Well, you did those jobs when you were younger." "I know, and I was miserable." "I mean, I guess the good part about being a roofer is that at least you're around to see your daughter's violin recital." "You're not at Hilarities in Tennessee." "The bad part is, of course, you can't afford a violin, so..." "Well, there's got to be a way to do your job that doesn't make you unhappy." "If I could just scrub my mind of the '90s." "What does that mean?" "Well, if you would've got a hold of me in 1987 and said," ""You can travel the country and people pay you to tell jokes,"" "I would've been like, "I'll be the happiest guy on the planet."" "So getting paid to travel and tell jokes feels like a step backward?" "Feels like three steps backwards, but enough about my career decline." "What about you?" "Have you picked a school?" "I can be bored by "Moby-Dick"" "for 60 grand a year here in LA to try to make Mom happy, or I can save a bunch of money and be bored by "Moby-Dick" somewhere else." " Seems like a no-brainer." " Yeah, it is." "If I can go on the road, maybe you can get off the road." "Thanks, sweet pea, but there is the house." "Well, why don't you guys sell it?" "Another no-brainer." "No wonder your mom's struggling with it." "(Tina laughing)" "Bruce:" "A lot of guys out there are obsessed with "Does she swallow?"" "( laughter)" "I feel like we're setting the bar pretty high, fellas." "My question is, "Does she transport?"" "Forget about swallowing, 'cause once I'm done with it," "I don't care what you do with it..." "toilet, sink, potted plant," " somebody shorter than you." " ( Laughter )" "That's not..." "I don't need it once I'm done." "I" " I don't get..." "I don't get the obsession with actually ingesting the semen." "Like, uh, "Well, does your, uh..."" "your garbageman just picks up the garbage?" " "He doesn't eat it?" - ( Laughter )" "I mean, uh, I..." "I... you guys been watching a lot of TV?" " ( Bell dings) - ( Country music playing )" "Sarah:" "Yeah, I got your e-mail, and I had this meeting in the city, so..." "Bruce:" "Well, it was nice to see a friendly face out there." "I've been to your shows before, so I knew there'd be plenty of great seats still available." "It is so sad that that face is attached to such a mean person." "( laughs ) How did you get into stand-up?" "Well, the chief of cardiology at Johns Hopkins" " blackballed me." " ( Laughs )" " And after that, I just..." " No, really." "How did you become a stand-up?" "It's the same way every comedian gets into stand-up." "It's like we're fuckups." "We're fuckups in high school, and then we're fuckups past high school." "And then at some point, you wake up and you realize," ""I have one skill..." "it's making people laugh."" "And now that you've lost that?" "I know you think I'm funny." " How do you know?" " It's not the money." "I know you're not after half of the 118 that's left over after I pay my alimony and Uncle Sam." "What about all that TV money?" "Oh, that's long gone." "Really?" "( Bruce chuckles ) Oh, that's it?" "You're a gold digger?" "(Sarah laughs)" "♪ Dear heart... ♪" "Bruce:" "You know, I guess you just get what you want." "If I wanted to be famous and successful like my buddy Jack Taylor, then I would've been." "I just would've done the work." "I just..." "I just didn't do the work." "Then why stay on the hamster wheel in the smoggy cesspool that is Los Angeles?" "I think it's just-it's all I know." "It's just like repetition." " It's just... it's a habit." " Oh, like heroin." " Yeah, except for the fun part." " ( Chuckles )" "How far is your place from here?" "Little over an hour." "You promised me a factory tour, remember?" "The factory's closed till the morning." "I got a plan." "First thing tomorrow morning, you'll make me some eggs and we'll go take a tour of the factory." "Are you pitching that you would stay over after our first date?" " It's at least our third date." " How is this our third date?" "Well, we had Flappers... your huge friend physically assaulting me from behind." "Back of my neck still smells like Jéigermeister." " ( laughs )" " Date number two..." "LA." "Permanently banned from the corporate circuit." "And this is three." "So we're three in." "We're deep into this relationship." "And how would that work?" "Just run by the hotel, pack up my stuff, be back in your Volvo in five minutes." "( Music continues playing )" "What the hell are you doing?" "(cell phone ringing )" " ( beeps )" " Hello?" "Hey, did I catch you before you left your room?" "Yeah, I just..." "I just got into my room." "Are you still out front?" "No." "I panicked." "I'm sorry." "I'll come get you in the morning, though." "I just trust myself more during the day." "Okay?" "Bruce:" "O-okay." "Good night." "( Beeps )" "( piano music playing )" "Boston." "Hey, Dana, what's happening, man?" "I heard you choked out a heckler in the "Jack Taylor" audience with your mic cord." "( Chuckles ) Little bit of an exaggeration, but, you know, if I'm gonna look like a stud, run with it." "Audience warm-up?" "I just got to get off the road, man." " Really?" " Yeah." "Don't you want to get off the road?" "Not if it means no one will ever listen to anything I say ever again." "Let's face it." "We stand onstage with a microphone and talk." "When is it someone else's turn?" "Never." "It's not that we're the most important guy in the room, it's that no one else is the least bit relevant." "And we like that." "So, what you're saying is..." "is if I wanted to get off the road," "I'd get the fuck off the road." "Of course." "Unless you're a hopeless narcissist whose parents never listened to a thing he said, taking his revenge on humanity one shitty club at a time." "You know, like me." "Sarah:" "I think you're really gonna like this." "Roger worked really hard to convert the barn." "Yeah?" "All guys are proud of their workshops." "Some are better than others." "I mean, it's like all parents think their kids are cute, but there's a couple of dogs in there." "My place back in LA is pretty sweet." "Biesemeyer fence, oscillating spindle sander." "( Door creaks )" "Holy shit!" "(Sarah chuckles)" " You approve?" " It's okay." "Sarah:" "I was the MBA and Roger, he was the elbow grease." "And I was gonna leave Burt's company, and we were gonna start something together." "Bruce:" "You could just find someone else who can do what he did." "(Sarah chuckles) You know, it's harder than you might think for a gal to find a guy who can do radius work on dimensional lumber." "You kidding?" ""Radius work on dimensional lumber" is my middle name." "It's a little tough to fit on on my driver's license, but it's there." "I like woodworking because it's the exact opposite of comedy." "How so?" "Well, comedy's just about tearing everything apart." "And I'd like to start putting things together." "Oh." "I think I could spend 10 hours a day out here." "That's what my husband used to do." "It was awesome." "It was awesome?" "You didn't mind?" "Hell, no." "Women should love it when their men are working." "How about I put together a little sandwich for you back at the house?" "Yeah, you can go on ahead." " I'll be there in a couple of years." " ( Laughs )" "It's weird when you live in LA, 'cause everyone's like, "Could you imagine living out in Podunk?"" "And then you come out to Podunk, and you're like," ""Not too shabby."" "You're, by the way, Podunk in this equation." "Actually, Podunk is the next town over." "It's just a little bit bigger." "I could see living in LA if you were sentenced to live there, but I don't know why anyone would choose to live there." "The business." "You gotta live there for the business." "Oh, and the, uh, razor wire around the freeway signs." "I mean, you're not gonna find that in Podunk." " That's LA, baby." " Mm, that's true." " ( Bangs )" " Bruce:" "Whoa!" "What are you doing?" "What do you mean?" "What are you kicking the crap out of the door for?" "( laughs )" "I'm sure it's okay." "It just sticks a little." "Roger would've planed it for me." "Oh, Roger would've been wrong." "No offense, but that..." "that would've been a hack move." "It's a rectangle in a rectangle." "You gotta straighten it out." "I could pop the pins on this bad boy and have it fixed in a jiffy." " Let me see what you got." " Oh, yeah." "(whirring )" "Well, thank you." "Bruce:" "So, when did they start putting wine in a bottle?" "'Cause, I mean..." "I'm familiar with the box." "I understand the box of wine, but this seems dangerous to me." "This could break." " ( Chuckles )" " Cut your foot on it." "Got no..." "like, you know, for me, like, when I, you know, get into a barroom fight, it's like, "Boom!" I bust the box right over the guy's head." " ( laughs )" " Or I'll take a smaller box and just break it over the counter and go, "Who wants some?"" "♪ I knew her long ago ♪" "♪ Out on the edge of broken time ♪" "♪ I can see clear into her soul ♪" "♪ Through her dark-colored eyes ♪" "♪ We used to laugh together ♪" "♪ At the strangeness of it all ♪" "♪ Her laughter, light as a feather ♪" "♪ I can still hear it now ♪" "♪ Ain't it funny 'bout love?" "♪" "Sarah:" "So, thanks for changing your ﬂight." "I had fun." " Sounded like you were having fun." " ( Laughs )" "I think the neighbors heard you having fun, and you don't even have neighbors." "Well, you know, it had been a while." "Well, you still got it." "♪ Her mommy used to say to me..." "I" "This is probably a little too early, but, you know, I'm not really interested in seeing you once a year when you play Flappers in Boston." "Well, when I get back to LA," "I will not stop thinking about your smile," ""your body."" "and that woodshop." "Wow." "Oh, man, I miss that woodshop already." " It's so good." " Sweet." "Well, do you ever think about the next 20 years?" "Well, I didn't used to, but now that I quit smoking," "I guess I should." "Maybe a little companionship and a little radius work?" "That sounds really... nice." "Sarah:" "Oh, come on." "You just miss your strip mall." "This is my strip mall." "It's just more beautiful than yours." "You got your banking, butcher, post office... the whole shebang." "I like the handicapped mule parking myself." " ( Cell phone buzzes)" " Oh, whoa!" " My phone just sprung back to life." " ( Beeping )" "We must be entering civilization." "Wow." "Got a lot of messages." "Um..." "I'll just be right behind you." " Sarah:" "Hey." " ( Cell phone beeps)" " Baby Doll." " Baby doll... where the hell have you been?" "I'm in New Hampshire." "New Hampshire?" "What the fuck's in New Hampshire?" "They don't even have a comedy club in New Hampshire." " I know." "That's why I like it." " Anyway, never mind that." "This is it." "This is the big one, okay?" "This is the one that gets you off the road." "I hope you're sitting down." "This is beyond "fuck you" money, this is "fuck me" money." " What is it?" " Howie Mandel wants you to be the host of his new game show, "Renaissance Man."" "Now, this show is gonna be huge." "There's so much money, this show's gonna syndicate into countries that don't even have governments." "This is legit?" "This is serious?" "Howie is dying to work with you, but I need you out here ASAP." "Okay, yeah." "I'll be there as fast as I can." "(cell phone beeps)" "Sarah:" "Okay, thank you." "( Chuckles )" "See that?" "It only takes like two days to fall totally in love with New Hampshire." "( Chuckles )" "Oh, and you're gonna love Christmastime." "I can't wait to show you a real white Christmas." "Baby Doll:" "Hey!" "There they are, huh?" "The dream makers." " Hi, fellas." " Hey, Baby." "Baby Doll:" "Hi, baby." "I think you all know the funniest man on planet Earth..." "Bruce Madsen, hmm?" "Baby, tell me, why can't Howie host this thing?" "Howie is stretched too thin." "He knows this is the guy for the show." "He handpicked this guy for the show." "Are you gonna fuck me on this?" "Don't fuck me on this." "Okay, I'm not gonna fuck you, all right?" "Let's sit down." "Come on, now." "Come on, sit down." "As I think some of you may know, on "Celebrity Barn Raising,"" "Bruce was their highest-testing celebrity." "I was tested as being the most high." "( laughs )" "Isn't that great?" "Come on, he always does that." "He knows how to be funny." "He's got a million of them." " Howie:" "Hey, there he is." " Ah!" " No, no, no, no." " Hey ya, Howie." "Ryan Barkley." "He's new." "All right, I don't have a ton of time." "Everybody sit down." "I just wanted to drop by and let you guys know how much money this major talent right here is gonna make you guys." " Hallelujah!" " Yeah." "Bruce Madsen is "Renaissance Man."" "I created the show." "I know." "He is that guy." "He's funny." "He builds stuff." "He's got screwdrivers and cordless hammers." "All..." "Howie, all hammers are cordless." " ( Baby Doll laughs)" " Hammers." "This guy." "See?" "He is perfect." "Even if I could do this show, you're better off with Bruce, 'cause he's gonna make this a huge hit." "Howie, come on, you got to stop by the show at least once a week, you know." "Or we roll in a field piece with you." "I am not on the show." "This is your host." "Howie, Howie, we all know he's funny." "We know you're funny, but have you ever hosted a game show?" "Howie:" "Give them a little taste." "Oh..." "like, host?" "Yeah, a little patter." "A little game show patter." "It's weird doing it here, though, right?" "You know what?" "I'll be the contestant, you bring me out." ""My name's Harold, lam from Cherry Hill, New Jersey," " "and I collect Elvis decanters." - ( Laughs )" "Come on!" "All right." " Microphone." " Yeah." " Uh, Howie, this..." " Harold." " Harold." " ( Chuckles )" " ( Baby Doll chuckles)" " Harold, this is weird." "I'm just not in a headspace to do this right now." "Not in a headspace?" "So you don't wanna dance?" " Not really, no." " Come on, give 'em a little soft shoe." "You know what?" "You don't have to dance for these ass clowns." "Thank you." "But you're gonna have to dance for me, bitch." "How the fuck are you gonna tape five shows on a Friday when you have a 102 fever?" "You think I feel great every time I show up to one of my three shows?" "Well, guess what." "America can't know what I'm feel... want me to tell you something?" "I'll tell you something, and you keep this amongst yourselves." "There's an episode of "Deal or No Deal" where I shit my pants." "There is a point when I go, "Two more cases, and you can win $1 million."" "That's what I said." "You know what I was thinking?" ""Oh, my God." "I just shit myself on national"" "I have to dance." "That's the fucking game." "And now you're gonna dance, bitch." "All right, ladies and gentlemen, the "Renaissance Man" himself, Bruce Madsen." "Lights!" "Camera!" "Shit your pants!" "Welcome to "Renaissance Man,"" "where we are gonna find and crown the ultimate male." "Men, get ready to sweat, ladies, you're gonna get wet." " ( Man laughs)" " Our first contestant," " Harold..." " Yes." "From Cherry Hill, New Jersey." "Harold, are you ready to play "The Fuse"?" " Yes." " We have a rope hanging from a Huey helicopter over bin Laden's compound." "You're gonna scooch up it, we're gonna give you a 10-second head start, and then we're gonna light the fuse." "If... and that's if..." "you make it to the top, you're gonna have to solve a Rubik's cube..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Wait, wait, wait." "Is that-is that one of our actual contests?" " No." " I'm just making it up." "You made that up?" "Jesus." "That is so much better than any of the shit you idiots came up with" " in six months of preproduction." " Write that down." "He's a genius." "He is the "Renaissance Man."" "( applause )" "Baby doll!" "( Chuckles )" "Huh?" "This is gonna be your "Renaissance Man,"" "and that show is gonna run longer than "All My Children."" " Thank you." " ( Applause )" "Then the network pulled the plug." "They won't even air the episodes he shot, those assholes." "Wow." "Go ahead." "I'm sure this all makes you very happy." "No." "Not today." " I just feel bad for you, buddy." " Me, too." "All right." "Enough bad news for today." "He did get "Renaissance Man."" "Can you believe this motherfucker just won the lottery?" " Breakfast is on you." " Yay." "I think the greatest job in the world might be game show host." "Absolutely." "You bank five shows Thursday, five shows Friday, and you are done." "Then you get to schmooze with all the affiliates, and they give you lots of free shrimp." " And you're gonna get some pussy." " Oh, yeah." "Not "A-level" shit, though, you know." "You're gonna get maybe "fives" or "fours," but a lot of them." "You could get bald and fat," " the job is yours for life." " Michael:" "Mm-hmm." "Phil:" "You could be doing this for the next 35 years." "You don't have to write." "You don't have to prepare." " You don't have to care." " Just show up." "You don't even have to wash your ass... ♪ You'll get no answer from me ♪" "♪ About what I want or what I get ♪" "♪ Brave enough to speak, afraid to see ♪" "♪ Confuse the issue till you forget ♪" "♪ And I tried ♪" "♪ To finally decide ♪" "♪ Why ♪" "♪ You're gonna have to look around. ♪" "( Broom clatters)" " ( drumroll ) - ( Applause )" "Announcer:" "Welcome to the finale of "Renaissance Man."" "The time has come to crown the ultimate male." "Are you ready to make some noise for the host of the most popular competition reality show on planet Earth?" "The face of "Renaissance Man,"" "ladies and gentlemen..." "Welcome to "Renaissance Man."" "Skeety skeet-skeet!" "( laughs )" "Tina:" "Dad, I'm really happy you're close, but you're not gonna be hanging out here on weekends, right?" "I'm not gonna miss another one of your readings." "You're not gonna do a lot of readings, are you?" "Oh, yeah." "A lot." "That's pretty much all they do at this school." "( Chuckles ) That's so funny, 'cause when I was in junior college, we didn't read out loud for other people's entertainment." "We were sounding out words." "How's your mom holding up?" "You know, I think she's more upset about selling the house than about me going to college 3,000 miles away." " ( Door opens)" " Sarah:" "All right." "I think we got everything you requested except for the vodka." "Do you know what you could sell vodka for to college freshmen?" "You may not be the only MBA in this family." ""Family"?" "I'm parked in the loading zone." "Nice job, Dad." "Thanks." "I went with a dovetail joint on the drawers." "I meant Sarah." "I really like her." "She's a good one." "I knew what you were talking about." "This, I built." "Sarah... she was perfect when I met her." "Well, I'm really happy you found her." "I'll be back." "Just give me a few minutes alone with my baby." "I'll be right behind you." "Tina:" "Hey, Sarah!" "Take good care of him." "I don't think anybody ever has." "Oh." "You're such a good kid." " Have a great time in college." " ( Both chuckle)" "Bruce:" "Well, that's that." "Thanks for everything, Dad." "I'm so proud of you." "I'm proud of you, too." "So, listen, if there's anything you need, you just call Sarah's landline." "Ask your history professor what a landline is." "( Softly ) All right." "(engine starts)" " Tina:" "I love you, Dad." " Love you, too." "♪ Oh, there's a river that winds on forever ♪" "♪ I'm gonna see where it leads... ♪" "It's gonna be nice... just kicking back." "Put my feet up, relaxing." "Are you sure you're not gonna miss stand-up?" "No." "I like this stretch of road I'm on right now." "♪ To the ends of the earth would you follow me?" "♪" "♪ There's a world that was meant for our eyes to see ♪" "♪ To the ends of the earth would you follow me?" "♪" "(phone ringing)" "Recording:" "Hey, you've reached Bruce's cell phone." " Please leave a message." " ( Beeps )" "Baby Doll:" "Baby!" "Great news." "I found a comedy club in New Hampshire." "It's not a traditional comedy club." "They serve smoked meats..." "okay, it's a deli." "But on Tuesday nights, it's a comedy club." "( Music continues)" "♪ Oh, there's an island where all things are silent ♪" "♪ I'm gonna whistle a tune ♪" "♪ Oh, there's a desert, the size can't be measured ♪" "♪ I'm gonna count all the dunes ♪" "♪ Out there's a world that calls for me, girl ♪" "♪ Heading out into the unknown ♪" "♪ Wayfaring strangers and all kinds of danger ♪" "♪ Please don't say I'm going alone ♪" "♪ To the ends of the earth would you follow me?" "♪" "♪ There's a world that was meant for our eyes to see ♪" "♪ To the ends of the earth would you follow me?" "♪" "♪ Well, if you won't, I will say my goodbyes to thee ♪" "♪ I was a-ready to die for you, baby ♪" "♪ Doesn't mean I'm ready to stay ♪" "♪ What good is living a life you've been given ♪" "♪ If all you do is stand in one place?" "♪" "♪ I'm on a river that winds on forever ♪" "♪ Follow till I get where I'm going ♪" "♪ Maybe I'm heading to die, but I'm still gonna try ♪" "♪ I guess I'm going alone... ♪" "( Music continues)" "Alligators have to be confused at this point in history, right?" "Like, I'd like to be at the next alligator convention." "'Cause alligators have to be like," ""For four million years, all we did"" "was slide up on the shore of the riverbank and every fucking villager just pissed themselves and scattered." "They all just went for high ground." "That's all we had to do." "We didn't have to do anything." "We'd just slide up, catch a little sun, let a little gas go, and watch all the crazy villagers" ""climbing palm trees and running for the fucking hills."" "Now they can't make it to lunch without some jackass in cargo shorts jumping on their back... zip ties and fucking duct tape..." "wrestling with them." "Like, that alligator's gotta be going, "What the fuck is going on?"" "Fucking nuts." "All we do is yawn for two million years, and everyone would fucking die of heart attacks." "Now every jackoff in fucking a Kangol hat and cargo shorts and desert boots is diving out of a fucking fan boat on top of me?" "What the fuck is going on?" "We gotta do something." ""We gotta eat a couple fucking infants."" "( laughter)" ""Or don't eat them, but we maim them."" "Like, whatever we gotta do." "Somebody's gonna have to... somebody's gonna have to take out an infant." ""This has... this has gotten out of control."" ""12 Years a Slave" won Best Picture, and everybody knew that "12 Years a Slave" was going to win Best Picture, because nobody was gonna vote against a movie called "12 Years a Slave" for Best Picture." "Just not gonna happen." "And in that sense, I do think it was a little bit, you know, not playing fair with the title." "I think if you wanted to be a little bit more evenhanded, you could just as easily call it, you know," ""The Slave That Got Off Relatively Easy,"" "like, historically speaking, because... ( laughter)" "Well, listen, if anybody here tonight has been a slave for any period of time, I..." "I just want to say that joke is not meant to offend you." "I want to say thank you for your service, though it seems inappropriate." "Um... ( laughter)" "But the point is, most of the time, if you know your history, that was a life sentence." "So like, 48 years, or however long people lived back then." "It seems unfair to those people to spotlight this one guy." "Like, if you brought those people forward to today and they saw this movie, they'd be like," ""What the hell?" "Where's my movie?" You know?" "( laughter)" ""I earned this times four, or however long I lived back then."" "This has got to be like the second-greatest injustice" " "that's ever happened to me." - ( Laughter)" "The first being actual slavery." "I don't know if everybody's picking up on that." "I'm worried about the kids." "This is why I'm concerned about the kids, because I got a buddy, he's got some little kids, and he invited me to come out, watch them play soccer, right?" "Sounds innocent." "I got out there two minutes late." "I was like, "Hey, what's the score of the soccer game?"" "He goes, "Uh, listen, we don't keep score here."" "Uh, all these kids are winners."" "( laughter)" "I was like, "That kid's got his jersey on inside out"" "and he's chasing a butterfly." "That kid's not a winner."" "All these kids are winners?" "A school district in Connecticut... this is not made up..." "has outlawed the use of red pen, 'cause they say red is too aggressive of a color." "Kids are gonna see the color red and be reminded of their failure." "Then when they get older, they're gonna see red and be insecure." "Man:" "Boo!" "Yeah, you can boo that." "Yeah, sure." "Like, here was the grading system when we were coming through school... "A, B, C, D, F."" "Like, we skipped a letter to make sure kids knew they were failures." "That's the thing is, I do get excited when I see another little person, because I'm not thinking about this constantly." "I'm not." "I don't walk around all day in my head just, "I'm a midget, I'm a midget, I'm a midget..."" "Like, I don't do that." "I know." "If your life had a DVR, you would have all" ""15-seconds-ed" back in that exact moment." "( Beeps ) "I got to do that shit again." "All right." "Yeah."" "But I do." "I get..." "I get really happy." "Now if I see another dwarf and it's a male, if I see a male little person, I don't know why this is," " but I have to fight him." " ( Laughter )" "And I don't know why." "Like, I don't want to fight him." "He doesn't want to fight me." "But we see each other, we're like, "It's go time!" Like, why" why is that?" "Are dwarves like Highlanders?" "Like, "There could be only one."" " I don't know." " ( Laughter )" "( music playing )" "♪ I found it hard to bear ♪" "♪ When you tell me there's nothing there ♪" "♪ I called your telephone ♪" "♪ But I wasn't home ♪" "♪ Halos are burning high ♪" "♪ Follow my lead, that's right ♪" "♪ I'll step out in the rain ♪" "♪ But things just feel the same ♪" "♪ I nod my head in disagreement ♪" "♪ Noticing what's wrong and what's right. ♪" "♪ Oh, to see your face enter the frame ♪" "♪ Into the blaze I've searched for all along ♪" "♪ Be unafraid to call your name ♪" "♪ To take your hand ♪" "♪ And be unchained ♪" "♪ Unchained ♪" "♪ To let love free again. ♪" "( Music continues)" "♪ And I've been living alone and eating on my own ♪" "♪ And waking up to find another day is gone ♪" "♪ A life lived in absentia ♪" "♪ And I've been up all night dreaming of the life ♪" "♪ The one I thought I'd be living by now ♪" "♪ Enough to miss invention. ♪" "( Music ends)"