"VIRGINIA:" "Jimmy, wake up, sweetie." "Jimmy!" "JIMMY:" "What happened?" "I don't remember anything." "We were watching TV and you fainted." "Welcome back to Inside Probe." "We looked at a small town in the grips of a serial killer named Lucy Carlyle." "JIMMY:" "Oh, yeah." "We were watching Inside Probe." "I remember that." "We got to know the simple family who brought her down." "This is familiar." "I-I remember that." "But not before the son, Jimmy Chance, got her pregnant." "Lucy was tried and convicted." "There was even a jailhouse wedding." "Okay." "Yep, it's all coming back to me." "I remember that." "And we showed you the incredible news..." "Lucy was somehow not executed." "I'm alive!" "I don't think he remembered that." "Whoo!" "♪ Here we go ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "♪" "What is this on my head?" "Maw Maw's hemorrhoid pillow." "You keep banging your head on the floor." "Lucy's alive." "Deal with it." "So, you're a scumbag who murdered your boyfriends and the good people of America found you guilty." "And yet you survived execution." "What was that like?" "It was pretty wild, Nancy." "Pretty (bleep) wild." "LUCY:" "I was nervous because things didn't look good." "And then... everything went black." "The next thing I knew," "I was being drawn to this light at the end of a very long hallway." "It was just like you see in those news magazine show reenactments." "Oh, and there's this faint whiff of lavender in the air." "Love lavender." "Got a candle in my office." "Go ahead" "Well, I got to the light and he appeared." "Hello, Lucy." "She got to meet Ed Begley Jr.?" "I hate her." "I hate her so much." "You are not welcome here." "Hop on, sugar boobs." "We've been waiting for you." "I ran as fast as I could." "(laughing)" "And the next thing I knew," "I was back." "GUARD:" "Oh!" "Oh, oh!" "Well, needless to say, everyone was a little shocked." "I don't mean shocked like..." "(imitating electric current)" "I mean shocked like, like surprised... (gasps)" "I mean, she was "shocked."" "W-We were surprised." "(laughs)" "Anywho." "We didn't handle it very well." "NANCY GRACE:" "Fueled by fear, the guards gave Carlyle a beating that no decent human being could feel was justified." "Kick her ass!" "Yes!" "Harder!" "In the head!" "In the head!" "Come on!" "(laughs)" "Back from the dead and brutalized by prison guards, the scumbag serial killer lawyered up." "And who better to represent a scumbag than this skid mark of a bleeding heart defense lawyer, Sylvia Barnes." "Well, here we are again, Sylvia." "That's an ugly scarf." "Anyway, this was a dream case: a beautiful client, abuse of power, and a defendant with pockets deep enough to pay for my experimental foot reduction surgery." "You did have some fat, old sidewalk slappers, sister." "Guilty." "The state screwed up and wanted to cover it." "So they dropped all charges and cut Lucy Carlyle a fat check." "But she's been gone two years." "W-Where's she been?" "Shh!" "Nancy will get it out of her." "So it's been two years." "Where you been?" "Well, the last thing" "I wanted to do is stick around town where everyone would look at me like I was a serial killer." "And after almost going to Hell," "I decided I probably needed a little spiritual guidance." "Ed Begley Jr. gave me a second chance and..." "I wanted to make the most of it." "NANCY GRACE:" "So Lucy Carlyle's odyssey of faith brought her to these men." "These monks taught her to love rather than hate, much like TV's Monk taught America to laugh." "We miss you Tony Shalhoub, you were a treasure." "But something was missing in her life and no amount of meditation and tofu could fill it." "But now you're going back to Natesville where you have some unfinished business to take care of." "That's right, Nancy." "I'm gonna fight for custody of my daughter." "Son of a bitch." "He popped my ass pillow." "A serial killer suing for custody?" "It's a joke, right?" "I wish it were." "But Lucy's lawyer doesn't joke." "I know," "I dated Sylvia Barnes in law school." "I lost her respect in the bedroom by trying a few things that I should have asked permission for first." "I'm not gonna lose her respect in the courtroom." "But you're the only lawyer we can afford." "Most attorneys don't list their hourly fees with "or best offer" next to it." "And there's a reason I do that." "I'm a terrible lawyer." "I make most of my money selling antioxidant super juices." "Which, by the way, are guaranteed to improve your health." "Doctors proved that..." "with science." "We don't need any juice, we need a lawyer." "I agree." "You don't need any juice." "But this isn't just any juice." "Wally, she's a serial killer." "This is a slam dunk." "And this is your chance to finally beat a famous ex-girlfriend." "Once she sees what a man you are in the courtroom, maybe she'll give you another shot in the bedroom." "All right." "I'll do it." "(quiet laugh)" "Let's celebrate... with a couple of glasses of liquid healthiness." "We're not paying for that juice." "Got my courtroom outfit down." "Maw Maw bought this to be buried in." "I don't think she expected to be living past the '80s." "I like it." "You look like the hooker from Pretty Woman but in the movie where she's a lawyer, so... (doorbell rings)" "What the hell are you doing here, you crazy lunatic!" "If you're here to kill someone," "I'm ready to go." "I wanted to see if we could talk and... maybe avoid the craziness of court." "See if there's another way to deal with Princess Beyonce's custody." "Her name is Hope." "Aw, aren't we adorable, arguing like a married couple?" "Maybe that's because, technically, we are still a married couple." "Till death do us part." "And I didn't die." "Can you still say that Iranian guy's name?" "Mama Ramabadmamajama..." "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." "2,000 volts through her skull, she's still got it." "Anyway, here's my plan:" "You and Hope come with me to Tibet." "Excuse me!" "He has a girlfriend." "I'm talking to my husband, bitch!" "Well, you want to..." "Easy!" "She's a murderer and you weigh 60 lbs." "Are you stupid?" "My daughter and I, we're not moving halfway across the country, to Tibet, to live with a serial killer." "I was in a marching band that went all the way to the state championships, but all you can see is a serial killer." "Yeah, well, murdering three men kind of trumps a flute solo." "Well, you know what?" "You're never gonna see me again." "'Cause I'm taking my daughter to Tibet, where people are spiritually evolved, bitches." "Namaste." "What the hell is "Namaste"?" "Sounds like some kind of fancy pepper." "Why would she say "pepper"?" "I don't know, Jimmy." "She's nuts." "This shouldn't take long." "Once the jury finds out what she did, we'll be out of here by lunch." "That should leave time for you to stop on the third floor and get a quickie divorce." "You made a big mistake leaving me." "Admit it." "Our time together was the highlight of your life, baby." "Did we go out or something?" "Twice." "I took you to a Journey concert." "You let me sit up on your shoulders." "I used to look like this." "Doesn't ring a bell." "Well, I'm not gonna lie." "That stings." "Are we Quakers now or something?" "Why the hell does this church have no music!" "(gavel banging)" "Does counsel have any motions to bring before I call in the jury and start the trial?" "Motion to suppress evidence of my client as a serial killer." "SYLVIA:" "The charges were officially dropped as part of our lawsuit against the prison, so she cannot be characterized by crimes that technically never happened." "That's stratospherically illogical and I don't like it." "JUDGE:" "But it's legally sound." "Motion upheld." "JUDGE:" "There may be no mention of Ms. Carlyle's string of cruel, heinous murders." "Yeah, b-b-but she killed a bunch of people!" "Your Honor, he mentioned the heinous murders and you told him not to." "Strike that from the record." "Unreal." "I can't believe this is happening." "Relax." "We're still gonna beat these jerks, right, Wally?" "It's a small town." "There's not a juror around who's not gonna remember her face from the Boyfriend Killer trial." "I mean, you'd have to be living under a rock this whole time." "What?" "It's the Natesville Dozen." "The miners who were trapped for six months?" "You picked 12 men who were literally living under a rock during Lucy's trial?" "I didn't pick them." "I thought the gentlemanly thing to do was to let the lady select the jurors." "They do have a choir!" "Oh, goody!" ""This Little Light of Mine."" "JURY:" "♪ This little light of mine ♪" "♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪" "♪ This little light of mine... ♪" "This is all blowing my mind, man." "It's blowing my simple human mind." "♪ Let it shine, let it shine. ♪" "I don't believe this." "We can't bring up that she's a serial killer?" "That was our whole case." "Everybody just relax." "Look, this jury is gonna see you as a lovely family who does a great job taking care of this girl." "No one will be able to change their minds about that." "I'm sure you all see these people as a lovely family who does a great job taking care of this girl." "Well, today..." "I'm gonna change your minds about that." "Well played, counselor." "SYLVIA:" "My client and I have spent the last 12 months researching these people, and have found a number of witnesses who can testify to this family's character, or lack thereof." "And then he grabbed my shirt and he said if I flirted with his girlfriend, he'd kick my ass." "And who did that to you?" "That man." "That full-grown man." "What up, girl?" "Did you notice I got my braces off?" "Would you say that the Chance family was addicted to illegal sports gambling?" "I'd bet my ass on it." "And trust me, honey, that's a bet I'd love to lose." "But I wouldn't." "And there she was, just peeing in a bucket in the front yard." "I took a picture with my phone!" "(guffawing)" "They used their baby monitor to eavesdrop on my conversation." "Then that crazy bitch threw the monitor through my window." "Uh, the great grandmother paid me to pretend to kidnap Burt and he went right along with it and abandoned the little boy." "And then when I came back to apologize for it, 20 years later, they hit me with a TV... a bunch of times." "They did that to me, too." "That's because we just found out you were..." "Don't say it!" "Then Jimmy and his friend suddenly jumped me and started hitting me just because I used to have a penis." "Man, I miss that thing!" "Talk about a hasty decision." "Man, that smack on the head still makes me so dizzy," "I got to take prescription drugs that I actually have prescriptions for." "Anyway, it really sucks 'cause I drive my own tour bus now." "Yeah." "Of course the gigs are drying up." "So I use it to deliver pizzas." "In fact, I got some, uh, coupons here, if you don't mind." "Yeah?" "These are good through the end he month." "JIMMY:" "It took awhile but eventually, Lucy's lawyer ran out of people to make us look bad." "And then it was our turn to call up people who had good things to say about us." "And James has never broken an egg bagging groceries." "Those are the same delicate hands that handle Hope." "JIMMY:" "Friends know all the best things about you." "But they also know the worst." "Yes." "I was hired to pretend to be their caterer on Thanksgiving when they broke into a nice house in order to convince" "Burt's parents he was wealthy." "B-B-But when we ran out of there, we left a ton of gourmet spices and a Japanese knife I miss like crazy." "Jimmy Chance is a jerk and he should lose his daughter." "Sorry, buddy, but I feel like we'd be able to hang more if the kid was out of the way." "♪ Lucy's lawyer is compelling ♪" "♪ Her legal command is ♪" "♪ Impressive but those are lies she's telling ♪" "♪ About the Chances. ♪" "You were asked to state your name." "It's Shelley." "Yeah, Jimmy, he's a great guy." "He's really honest." "He even told me about the time he tucked his penis between his legs and danced around to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."" "(laughter)" "(whispers):" "Sorry, Jimmy, I'm under oath." "But you only have to tell the truth about things they ask!" "Don't ask me about his porn collection." "If it weren't for Jimmy and his parents," "I wouldn't have my seeing-eye pig." "In my opinion, the Chances are a strong, close-knit" "African-American family." "Sir..." "the Chances are Caucasian." "Really?" "What about Eminem?" "Caucasian." "Really?" "Bryant Gumbel's white, right?" "African-American." "Well... obviously I'm not a reliable witness." "JIMMY:" "Our friends couldn't help us, so we tried to help ourselves." "Look, maybe we weren't the perfect parents." "Maybe my son has some issues, and maybe he made some mistakes and accidentally put his daughter in danger." "But... (sighs)" "(whispers):" "The rest of the speech washed off." "JIMMY:" "Mom practiced answers for anything they could ask her, but when the pressure was on, she went blank." "I personally believe that..." "U.S. Americans..." "in our nation... are unable to do so because some parents... in America..." "Out there... are not... having wet naps." "Is she speaking in tongues?" "So I believe that..." "our wiping products, like..." "such as, in South Africa... and in the Iraq..." "JIMMY:" "Eventually, I took the stand, and I realized that I was Hope's only chance of staying Hope Chance." "I showed pictures I drew of the cool things I had done with my daughter." "And I mentioned Hope's collection of interesting rocks, which I think impressed the miners." "And finally, I just spoke from the heart." "I-I'm sorry, I mean, is it a crime to live at home with people you love?" "Look, we're broke." "Hope is stuck living in a tiny, crowded house." "And when you're stuck in a tiny space with a bunch of people, a lot of stuff happens that you don't want anyone to know about." "Probably stuff you wish no one ever found out." "But she's with good people, who stick together, and find ways to laugh, and we work out our problems even when we're pissed." "And when you have people like that in your corner, then you've got the important stuff, a-and you'd be fine stuck living in a cave." "(applause)" "JIMMY:" "We were warned it could take the jury a while to come to a decision, so we were very surprised when we were called to come back in so quickly." "Turns out the miners that have been trapped underground together don't really want to be stuck in a small room together." "(snoring quietly)" "The jury awards custody of Hope Chance to her mother, Lucy Carlyle." "JIMMY:" "I thought my big speech had won the jury over, but apparently the thing miners miss the most when they're trapped underground are their moms." "Maybe this will finally convince you to stop coming to me for legal help." "(clamoring) JUDGE:" "Order!" "Order!" "Do you validate parking?" "!" "The next person who talks will be found in contempt!" "You can't do this!" "♪ I saw her today ♪" "♪ At the reception ♪" "♪ At her feet was her ♪" "♪ Footloose man ♪" "♪ No, you can't always get what you want ♪" "♪ And if you try sometimes ♪" "♪ You'll find ♪" "♪ You get what you need ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ I saw her today ♪" "♪ At the reception ♪" "♪ A glass of wine... ♪" "Yeah, sure, you're gonna miss your father." "But he could've come with us to Tibet." "♪ She was going to meet her connection ♪" "♪ At her feet was her ♪" "♪ Footloose man ♪" "♪ You can't always get what you want ♪" "♪ You can't always get what you want ♪" "♪ But if you try sometimes ♪" "♪ You might find ♪" "♪ You get what you need ♪" "♪ Oh, yeah ♪" "♪ And I went down ♪" "♪ To the demonstration ♪" "♪ To get my ♪" "♪ Fair share of abuse ♪" "♪ Singing we're gonna vent ♪" "♪ Our frustration ♪" "♪ If we don't, we're gonna blow ♪" "♪ A 50-amp fuse ♪" "♪ Sing it to me ♪" "♪ You can't always get ♪" "♪ What you want ♪" "♪ You can't always get ♪" "♪ What you want ♪" "♪ You can't always get what you want ♪" "♪ But if you try sometimes ♪" "♪ Well, you just might find ♪" "♪ You get what you need ♪" "♪ Oh ♪" "♪ Baby, yeah ♪" "♪ Oh, yeah ♪" "♪ I went down ♪" "♪ To the Chelsea Drugstore... ♪" "You love her, don't you?" "Yeah." "Of course I do." "But I love my daughter, so... this is what has to happen." "I want you to know that what I'm about to do," "I'm doing for my daughter." "Because she... deserves to grow up in a happy family." "♪ I sung my song to Mr. Jimmy ♪" "♪ Yeah, and he said one word to me ♪" "♪ And that was dead ♪" "♪ I said to him ♪" "♪ You can't always ♪" "♪ Get what you want ♪" "♪ You can't always get what you want, no ♪" "♪ But if you try sometimes, you just might find ♪" "♪ You get what you need ♪" "♪ Oh, yeah!" "Whoo!" "♪" "(tires screeching)" "Dude!" "You were right, Carl, that was a bad idea." "Trevor, you're up, buddy." "♪ You get what you need ♪" "♪ Oh, yeah... ♪" "Okay, well, that worked out, huh?" "So, I'm gonna give you custody back, but I saw some disturbing things during the course of the trial." "So promise me that you'll try to do a better job raising Hope in the future." "Definitely." "We make mistakes, but we always learn from them." "That's true." "It seems like every week we learn a new lesson." "I would like to confess to killing my husband." "JUDGE:" "Okeydokey." "Well, I guess that does it."