"(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown" "♪ And I am proud to be" "♪ Right back in my hometown" "♪ With my new family" "♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪" "♪ And even a bear" "♪ Through good times and bad times ♪" "♪ It's true love we share" "♪ And so I found a place" "♪ Where everyone will know" "♪ My happy mustached face" "♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪" "== sync, corrected by elderman == (chuckles)" "♪ The Cleveland Show 4x18 ♪ Squirt's Honor Original Air Date on April 21, 2013" "And then to accelerate the fire, you can use grease, which you might find in ground beef, which you might find in my pocket." "(audience gasps)" "Thank you, Cleveland, Jr." "I'll have to send you to my ex-wife's house." "Just kidding." "Never had sex." "Clean Team, advance." "Boys doing chores." "Mm." "And looking right in their crisp uniforms." "Yep, everyone looks good in khaki." "Especially lady zookeepers." "Mm." "Excuse me, ma'am." "Can I freshen up your Dixie cup of trail mix?" "Thank you." "No yellow raisins." "All these Scouts are so well-behaved and polite." "Ugh." "How about you, young man?" "A little trail mix?" "Gorp... aka "Good Old Raisins and Peanuts"?" "Uh, no." "I prefer Gofu, as in Go F" "Rallo!" "You know, you could learn a thing or two from these boys." "Yeah, like how to be a kiss-ass." "Dork." "Rallo!" "You could use some of that." "Give you a better attitude." "The world's got enough critics." "Little bastard left a yellow raising in here." "Attention Freedom Scouts," "Freedom Scout families-- it's time for the raffle." "First up, our third prize, a massage from a man." "Ticket number... 412." "Number 412." "No one wants a massage from a man?" "Second prize, a walk-on on The Cleveland Show." "Number 713." "Hi, Gene Oshman." "Big fan, Cleveland." "Mm-hmm." "First prize, a complimentary weekend at Stoolbend's new romantic luxury hotel," "The Bendit Inn, and a massage from a man." "Number 232." "That's me!" "Thank God we can be away from our children." "Hooray." "Congratsies!" "The winner is Donna Tubbs, mother of one of our Scouts." "Correction:" "two of your Scouts." "My son Rallo will be at your initiation ceremony on Sunday, so he, too, can become a Freedom Scout." "What?" "How old is he?" "Five." "Then he shall be a Freedom Squirt." "Hi, Karen, hi, kids." "Get your ass out my shot." "But Mama, I don't want to join his stupid club." "It's for squares." "Or circles, in his case." "You can do this, Rallo." "All we got to do is complete your" "Freedom Squirt task checklist." "Oh, is that all, Junior?" "Is that all?" "You heard him." "Now, I am going to a fine hotel, and when I come home, I'm gonna have two things:" "one, a new bathrobe, and two, a polite, respectful Freedom Squirt for a son." "Or else, no more dinosaur guys in the bath." "Ever!" "Ugh." "Just me and the soap?" "(shudders) You're a monster." "A monster on vacation." "See ya!" "(quietly):" "Donna, I didn't pack any pajama bottoms." "Roberta's in charge!" "Bye!" "We better get cracking if we want to knock out eight tasks by tuck-in." "I don't want anything to do with your goody-goody khaki cult." "What?" "!" "It's a sham." "Kids being forced to do "good things"" "to get badges and a pat on the head." "That is, as long as they pay the initiation fee." "I'm going to open your heart, Rallo." "And when I'm done, you'll be a Freedom Squirt." "You know what?" "I'm gonna take the bottoms." "I don't want Donna seeing my pimply backside." "It's embarrassing." "Not gonna lie, nicest place I've ever stayed by a lot." "Two lamps." "Honestly, I thought it would be a little nicer." "(truck beeping)" "Cool!" "Cars!" "Lightning McQueen." "Hey, Mater, you're my friend." "Okay, now that I've put you in the mood." "Uh-uh!" "Not in this room." "Donna, no, they'll hate us." "Hello, this is contest winner Donna Tubbs." "We were really hoping for a garden view." "Please don't spit in our bed." "Oh, you'd move us to a new room?" "Great!" "Thank you." "That other room better have two lamps." "Four lamps?" "!" "Now this is more like it." "That room over there has a terrace." "I am so sorry that one of our maids left a hair dryer on in the sink." "Well, I appreciate that, but still," "I was badly electrocuted." "Look what happened to her head." "Oh, my God, you look horrible." "Well!" "Rest assured, we have upgraded you to a nicer room." "Can you upgrade her?" "How am I supposed to sleep with that?" "(laughing)" "Kidding." "Please let me have some later." "We're at a hotel." "It worked!" "And this is the best room we've had." "So far." "Hi, we've got birds." "All right, six more." "Next up, "Citizenship."" "How about helping that homeless gentleman over there?" "He ain't homeless." "He just been at the beach all day." "Look at that tan." "He's just trying to scam us, Junior." "Rallo, what's wrong with you?" "I'm so sorry about that, sir." "Have a chocolate bar." "Thanks, Black Santa." "Wow, Junior, that's a lot of chocolate, even for you." "I bought 40 boxes of these to support the Troubled Youth Orchestra of Stoolbend." "I'm singlehandedly sending them to perform in Norfolk." "Oh, okay." "Some "troubled youths" sold you these?" "Yeah." "And I'm sure they gave you a great deal on these 50-cent candy bars." "(chuckling):" "Oh, child... these are not 50-cent candy bars." "They're five-dollar candy bars." "I see." "And if I were inclined to support their organization, where might I acquire such candy bars?" "Send the Troubled Youth Orchestra of Stoolbend to the Norfolk Music Festival." "One year from tonight." "So, you're the kids who have been taking advantage of my step-brother, making him believe you're an orchestra gonna go play in Norfolk?" "What?" "!" "We're legit." "We got a concert one year from tonight." "Name an instrument." "Uh... trumpullet?" "Lucky guess." "What you want?" "What do I want?" "!" "You messed with my step-kin!" "What do you think I want?" "I want in." "50/50 split on the first six boxes I sell, 60/40 after that" "And at 20 boxes, I get points on the back end retroactive to right now." "Kid knows his stuff." "Let's see your begging face." ""Pweez" buy my candy." "I'm "hon-gwy."" "I'll take two." "No, Puffs." "You in." "Stay tuned, "Ame-wica."" "We need the "watings."" "Oh, gee, this tub was filled with candy bars this morning." "But they're gone." "What's in there now?" "Boom!" "♪ Rallo's in a tub of money!" "(high-pitched):" "♪ Money." "(both laughing)" "Wow, Rallo!" "All that cash is for the" "Troubled Youth Orchestra?" "(evil laughter)" "(sarcastically):" "Yeah, right." "I mean, uh... yeah, right." "Always happy to keep the youths in trumpullets." "I'm so proud of you, Rallo." "You were so cynical, but I touched you." "And if I could touch you, think of how many other boys I could touch." "(Junior whistling happily)" "(chuckling)" "Mm, best vacation we've ever had." "With all the" ""ammeminenities."" "(sighs)" "Glad we upgraded to the Presidential Suite." "How could they expect us to stay in a room where a "dog" had scooted across the carpet?" "(both laughing)" "(siren wailing in distance)" "We're here." "Time for your surprise for all your hard work." "This looks like Norfolk." "Are we in Norfolk?" "Yeah." "For the big Troubled Youth Orchestra concert." "What?" "!" "Last year, when I bought my very first candy bar, they said, "See our big concert, one year from tonight."" "Look, Junior, I think you might be a bit disappointed." "How could I be?" "Just to see the smile on your face as you listen to these needy kids that we've helped." "That will be music to my eyes." "Ooh, here's the address." "Say, Jim, you standing in my moon shadow." "Uh, is this where the Troubled Youth Orchestra is performing?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "They're just tuning up." "Listen." "(farting)" "Rallo, there is no orchestra, is there?" "No, big guy." "And the money I've been giving for candy bars, you and the rest of those guys have just been keeping all of it?" "And making it rain at Toys "R" Us." "Huh." "Good one, Rallo." "You got me." "The old Troubled Youth Orchestra Trick." "(chuckling):" "Welp, better get home to bed." "Got that initiation in the morning." "Hm." "Fatso's rolling with it." "And I best get my ass out of this neighborhood." "Checking out?" "How was your stay?" "Oh, it was very relaxing, thanks." "Even my husband's hair is relaxed." "Hi." "That's what we like to hear." "Okay, your balance is $3,217.00." "Come again?" "Oh, I think there's a misunderstanding." "See, we're contest winners." "Right, so your room was free, but you do have to pay for incidentals, including in-room dining, minibar, seven couples massages, dry cleaning, midnight swim with the dolphins, as well as the 72-hour porn pass you ordered." "For the record, I only used three minutes of it." "Guess my eyes were bigger than my hands." "We don't have $3,200!" "Don't worry." "I got this." "Birds!" "Uhp." "Look, if you can't afford to pay your bill, you're gonna have to work it off." "Standard sitcom policy." "Really?" "This is really the only uniform you got for me?" "Yep." "Lots of beefy gals come through this place." "Now, I believe the toilet in 416 is clogged." "Lots of beefy guests, too." "(both sigh)" "Hiya, a-roonie-yah!" "Hiya, a-scoonie-yah!" "Hiya, soota dada yo-yo da-baba, yah!" "So you're sure you're cool with me going through with this?" "So cool." "And now to launch our Pre-Squirts into full-fledged Freedom Squirtdom," "Chief Scout Cleveland Brown, Jr.!" "(applause, mic feedback whines)" "Well, here they are, Freedom Squirt badges-- symbols of trust, honesty, and integrity." "In other words, total bullcrap!" "(all gasp)" "Hiya, what the...?" "!" "That's right, kids-- might as well tell you now:" "It's a soulless world full of bad people who screw you at every turn." "Scout's honor." "I quit!" "(all gasp)" "(woman gasps, audience murmuring)" "Junior, wait!" "Buy some chocolates for the road?" "Screw you, Rallo!" "Yeah, I'll take seven." "Oh, look, there's cheese stuck to the top of the box, cooling and congealing, turning into cheese gum." "Gee, who's gonna eat that?" "I'll take it!" "(sighs)" "Thanks, bros." "Pizza-pizza!" "So, you're really quitting the Scouts?" "I thought that was, like, you know, the most important thing in your life." "A lot of stupid crap was important to me before I woke up." "Thanks for opening my eyes to what the world's really like, Rallo." "Well, I gotta admit, it's nice to finally have someone around this house who sees things the way I do." "It's every man for himself, right?" "Yeah, it is." "(clears throat)" "Okay." "You got me." "Hey, you forgot Larry the Leopard!" "(screams)" "I bet Nell Carter didn't have to do this (bleep)." "All she had to do was vacuum the fish tank once a week." "CLEVELAND:" "Help!" "It happened again!" "I cannot figure out these hospital corners!" "(gasping)" "I'll make the bed, Cleveland." "You go over to 414 and start wiping out the bathtub with the comforter." "Mm, warm oysters." "Don't mind if I do." "Probably not much has happened on this carpet." "Ah..." "Does that butt go all the way around?" "Aflac!" "(both scream)" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I thought you were a woman I could victimize." "How dare you?" "!" "Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm." "Hungry..." "And I'm getting that oyster underneath the dresser!" "No funny business!" "Ooh, there's two down here!" "Oop!" "No, that's an ear." "Muppets, huh?" "You know, Kermit's dead." "What?" "Guy who did his voice died of a bacterial infection." "Sore throat one day, next day, he croaked." "Ha-ha." "Aw... (sighs)" "Oh, and all those phones and tablets?" "Made in Chinese factories where conditions are so bad, the workers commit suicide." "Can you hear me now?" "No?" "Oh, right!" "'Cause you're dead." "How's a man supposed to fling a bird at a pig after that?" "What?" "At least he's not the chump he used to be." "Oh, yeah, he was a chump because while you were being too cool for life, he actually tried to see the best in people and was happy." "And he walked through the world carrying the tiny candle of hope, shielding it against the bitter winds of negativity." "He kept it alive for so long, through his parents' divorce and his mom's death and a 200-pound weight gain, always with a sweet smile and that little candle." "And then you come along, Rallo, and what do you do?" "(blows air)" "Aah!" "You're right!" "I broke his big fat heart!" "I'm a bad person!" "I'm going straight to heck!" "Holy (bleep), man!" "(Cleveland sobbing)" "He touched you through three layers of clothes." "There's nothing to wash off!" "He harassed me, Donna!" "No, actually, since I'm a man, he "hisassed" me!" "I'll sue him!" "Wish you could." "Then we could pay off this hotel bill." "And we could stop him from harassing other women with irresistible butts like mine!" "All we need is proof." "But he'd never do it to me again after I rejected him so rudely." "Wait!" "Donna, you could pass for a woman!" "(knocking on door)" "(sultry):" "Housekeeping." "The sting is on." "All right, Donna, shake your large-settlement maker." "Well, what about the financial earnings projection numbers?" "Down?" "Damn, I was hoping for up." "Wow, sounds like you're a really hands-on manager." "Hold on." "Could you come back later?" "I'm on a business call." "I bet you're in the donkey business, because you seem like a real ass man." "Hey!" "Get the hell out of here!" "Damn it, Donna!" "She's losing him!" "Guess he likes 'em pimply." "Gals, we're going in!" "Hi, here I am." "Another maid." "I've got what you want, and I'm about to give you what you need." "Wait." "It's you!" "You're sick!" "Am I?" "Am I sick?" "!" "Or are you sick, because you're starving for $3,217 worth of this!" "You people are crazy!" "I'm a businessman!" "After him!" "(elevator bell dings)" "(grunts)" "Please, just leave me alone!" "(whimpers)" "Come on, just one grope!" "CLEVELAND  DONNA:" "Ass, ass, ass, ass..." "HOTEL MANAGER:" "Needless to say, this is odd." "And unacceptable." "We did this to stand up for women and butts everywhere!" "Well, all you've done is out-creep a serial ass-grabber." "You're fired!" "But I love it here!" "What about our debt?" "No amount of money is worth ever again having to visualize the two of you having sex." "Yeah, we had all 16 lamps off in the Presidential Suite." "Get out!" "Fart that." "We not playin' nothin'." "Huh." "Sure would be a shame if your parole officers found out about your little scam." "'Cause we all know that everyone with a nickname is on parole." "That means you, Blades, Puffs, Loafer, even you, Plurals." "I only got one strikes!" "I'm not rolling back to juvie!" "Those 'mos will take away my blades!" "Then you all have four hours to learn this song." "You're gonna convince an alarmingly gullible 14-year-old that you're the most musically talented scam artists since the Mormon Tabernacle Choir." "That dudes is a dicks." "Great!" "A community center." "Is this the one with the asbestos or the one where all the senior citizens were clubbed to death?" "No, it's the one that had e coli in the swimming pool." "Now I'm glad you got that negativity out of your system, 'cause you're about to see something inspirational." "Fart that." "Just sit down." "Junior, you've lost your way." "But I'm gonna make you believe again." "It's show time!" "(gasps)" "You got them to sit with instruments!" "Wait, there's more." "And one, one, one-one-one-one." "(playing "A Moment Like This" off-key)" "♪ What if I told you it was all meant to be?" "♪" "Okay, less trombone." "♪ Would you believe me, would you agree?" "♪" "Strings, lay back." "All the way back." "♪ It's almost that feeling" "A'ight, skip to the chorus." "♪ A moment like this..." "Aw, screw this." "♪ Some people wait" "All right, troubled youth!" "♪ For a moments like these ♪" "♪ Some people... (inhales)" "♪ One special kiss" "♪ Oh, I can't believe it's happening to me!" "♪" "You see that?" "There is a Troubled Youth Orchestra." "They weren't just scamming people!" "I guess people are good, huh, Junior?" "I don't know about them." "But I know you're good." "What?" "I wasn't born yesterday, Rallo." "Those guys sounded awful." "I don't know how you got them to play, but I know you did." "Which means you've got a good heart." "(gasps)" "And if you do, then maybe everybody does." "And if that's true, the world is a beautiful place." "Welcome back, Freedom Scout." "You got me a new sash!" "Actually, it's three, sewn together." "A perfect fit." "Hold on" " I was sucking my gut in." "(exhales, groans)" "(eerie music playing)" "(blinds banging against window frame)" "== sync, corrected by elderman ==" "(deep, raspy voice):" "I'm gonna kill you, Junior."