"(thunder crashes)" "(clears throat)" "(both shivering)" "MALORY:" "Woodhouse?" "WOODHOUSE:" "Mum." "MALORY:" "If I see this glass empty again, I will be very unhappy." "WOODHOUSE:" "Perish the thought, mum." "MALORY:" "Now, then." "Who'd like to go first?" "(Cyril coughs)" "No?" "All right, then I will." "Idiots!" "(both yelling)" "Thank you, dear." "For a moment there, I thought" "I was going to be unhappy." "Now, then." "Who's next?" "ARCHER:" "Okay, so, uh..." "I guess I'll go if..." "MALORY:" "If I can just stop you there." "Will you please cover yourself?" "!" "CHERLENE:" "With what?" "I don't have any..." "(spraying)" "There." "Happy?" "MALORY:" "No!" "I didn't mean with whipped cream!" "PAM:" "It's actually whipped cocaine, so... (Malory groans) MALORY:" "That explains where some of it went." "CHERLENE:" "Mmm, and the tingly numbness of my nipples." "MALORY:" "And why are you dressed like the whore the rest of the trailer park finally decided they had to stone to death?" "CHERLENE:" "Duh, we were shooting my album cover." "KRIEGER:" "Yes!" "Good, yes, that is perfect!" "PAM:" "Perfect for what?" "Come on, it's an album cover, not a..." "Amish Bible!" "PAM:" "You got to sex that shit up sexy." "KRIEGER:" "Um..." "CHERLENE:" "I think it's pretty sexy." "PAM:" "You think that's sexy?" "With the rocket pops... outside of you." "CHERLENE:" "I mean..." "KRIEGER:" "But if she eats them, we lose the whole red, white and... okay..." "PAM:" "Yeah, not talking about eating them." "CHERLENE:" "Wait, what are you..." "You want me to put a rocket pop in my vagina?" "!" "PAM:" "Well, for starters." "But let's not rule anything out." "You know?" "Let's kind of see where that leads." "We've got a shitload of film." "KRIEGER:" "I'm supposed to have film in this?" "CHERLENE:" "Goddamn it!" "PAM:" "Krieger!" "LANA:" "So, I have a question." "PAM:" "The butthole, Lana, is what I was..." "LANA:" "Yeah, I got that." "But do you think the cover for a country album should be hardcore...?" "What do you even call that?" "Food porn?" "PAM:" "I do." "LANA:" "You think it makes a good country album cover or you call it food porn?" "PAM:" "Yes." "LANA:" "Are you...?" "(Cherlene squealing) CHERLENE:" "These things are freezing!" "KRIEGER:" "Film, film, film, film, film!" "LANA:" "Quit putting rocket pops in your ass!" "CHERLENE:" "I'm eating them." "Jesus, what is wrong with you?" "LANA:" "I guess I just don't get art." "PAM:" "You obviously don't." "And it's not that we don't appreciate criticism." "It just needs to be constructive." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, Lana." "MALORY:" "Shut up." "And then tell me what happened to the hundred pounds of..." "BOTH:" "Kilos." "MALORY:" "Kilos, thank you, shut up." "Of cocaine that you took to" "Colombia." "LANA:" "Which..." "MALORY:" "Lana, when I want you to talk, I will tell you, and until then, zip it!" "LANA:" "Wha...?" "What did I do?" "MALORY:" "Nothing!" "ARCHER:" "Yeah, Lana." "MALORY:" "Which is why these feckless idiots lost 200 kilos of cocaine!" "ARCHER:" "Yeah, La..." "Oh." "Uh, okay, technically, but then we stole a plane loaded with, like, twice as much cocaine!" "MALORY:" "Is this the part where you tell me to look under my seat?" "ARCHER:" "No, unfortunately we ran into some..." "CYRIL:" "Assholishness." "(all yelling)" "RAY:" "Archer, I swear to God!" "I will crash this plane right into the goddamn ocean!" "ARCHER:" "I'll take my chances with the ocean!" "The ocean isn't full of alligators!" "And do not even think about it," "Cyril!" "CYRIL:" "Ray, what do I do?" "!" "RAY:" "Uh..." "I guess hang on." "(grunts) ARCHER and CYRIL:" "Whoa!" "(both grunting) RAY:" "Sorry, Cyril." "ARCHER:" "Ow." "CYRIL:" "Oh, shut up." "It's your own fault." "ARCHER:" "Debatable." "CYRIL:" "No, it's..." "ARCHER:" "Shut up." "Come on, Ray, there has to be somewhere to land besides the middle of the damn Everglades." "RAY:" "Well, not within fuel range, so..." "ARCHER:" "And who's fault is that?" "RAY:" "Isaac goddamn Newton!" "You see that airstrip?" "The one that's circled?" "That's the only one in range, and we've only, barely, got enough fuel to make it there, so..." "ARCHER:" "But Miami's, like, right over here." "CYRIL:" "We can't land at a real airport!" "Even if Ray had filed a flight plan..." "ARCHER:" "Why didn't you file a flight plan?" "!" "That's like Airplane Stuff 101." "CYRIL:" "Not when the airplane is stolen and crammed full of guns and cocaine!" "ARCHER:" "Ah." "I will concede that point." "RAY:" "Damn it." "ARCHER:" "What's up?" "CYRIL:" "What's going on?" "RAY:" "Burning too much fuel-- we're heavy." "CYRIL:" "What do you mean, heavy?" "ARCHER:" "You said we had enough fuel to..." "RAY:" "I said barely!" "I bet the Colombians didn't count on three passengers." "CYRIL (sobbing):" "Oh, my God, we're gonna crash!" "ARCHER:" "Cyril, do not panic." "Just get out." "CYRIL:" "What?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Do the right thing," "Cyril." "You have nothing to live for." "CYRIL:" "Get your hands off me." "ARCHER:" "Okay, relax." "Jesus." "Whatever happened to Team Archer?" "CYRIL:" "Please tell me that was never a real thing to you." "ARCHER:" "Eh..." "I mean..." "RAY:" "Hello?" "Time's a bit of a factor here!" "ARCHER:" "Cyril, for the love of God, man, jump!" "CYRIL:" "Just throw out the cocaine." "ARCHER:" "What?" "!" "No!" "I'm not telling Mother I lost the original hundred pounds of..." "CYRIL and RAY:" "Kilos!" "ARCHER: ...whatever unit of measurement-- of cocaine!" "Plus, all this cocaine!" "Do you have any idea how mad she'd be?" "RAY:" "Well, the alternative is a belly-landing in a swamp filled with alligators!" "ARCHER:" "No." "No, no, no." "No." "What if, um..." "CYRIL:" "Archer!" "Alligators or your mother!" "ARCHER:" "What's the difference?" "They're both cold-blooded prehistoric monsters." "(Malory clears throat loudly)" "MALORY:" "Excuse me?" "ARCHER:" "I meant the pain of disappointing you would..." "bite... alligator... ish... ly." "MALORY:" "Uh-huh." "ARCHER:" "Anyway, right about then..." "RAY:" "Okay, I can see the airstrip." "CYRIL:" "Well, can we make it?" "RAY:" "Maybe, if you..." "ARCHER:" "Wait!" "Ray, you said the Colombians were flying to this airstrip?" "RAY:" "Yes!" "Why do you think it's marked on the chart, you idiot?" "ARCHER:" "Okay, well, let's circle back to who's an idiot, and talk about who's probably waiting at this airstrip." "(Cyril gasps) RAY:" "Dukes." "ARCHER:" "And what their reaction will be to three total strangers showing up in their plane without their coke." "CYRIL:" "They'll kill us!" "RAY:" "Well... maybe not." "ARCHER:" "Wait, why?" "CYRIL:" "Why maybe not?" "(sputtering) (Archer and Cyril shout)" "RAY:" "Because that." "(sputtering)" "(Archer and Cyril shout) And that." "Happy?" "ARCHER:" "What, like, in general or...?" "MALORY:" "Ooh, this is exciting." "I hope everyone dies." "ARCHER:" "Uh, we obviously d..." "Oh." "Hardy har, Mother." "(slurps)" "MALORY:" "And so our heroes, such as they are, have run out of fuel and... what." "RAY:" "No, no, no!" "What are you doing?" "!" "CYRIL:" "Throwing out the guns!" "RAY:" "No, no, no, no, no!" "You're screwing the trim all to hell!" "ARCHER (chuckles):" "This no-phrasing thing is killing me." "RAY:" "Best case, our glide ratio's maybe ten-to-one." "But it's a lot less with the damn door hanging..." "Oh, no, no, no!" "(automatic gunfire) CYRIL:" "Yeah!" "ARCHER:" "Woooooo!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "(Archer and Cyril grunt) RAY:" "You idiots!" "CYRIL:" "What did I do?" "ARCHER:" "Don't." "There's no talking to when he gets like this." "RAY:" "Dump the damn guns!" "CYRIL:" "Uh, I am, if you'd shut up!" "ARCHER:" "Wait, wait, wait, wait, Cyril!" "CYRIL:" "What?" "Archer!" "RAY:" "We're coming in!" "Brace for landing!" "ARCHER:" "Tell you in a minute." "RAY:" "Gear down!" "(Cyril moans) RAY (strained):" "We're not gonna make it." "(Cyril whimpers)" "ARCHER:" "Exciting, isn't it?" "(Cyril yelping)" "(Archer chuckling) ARCHER:" "Oh, so, Cyril... what I was gonna say was..." "maybe don't throw out all the guns because you know what they say... it's better to have a gun and not need it than to be the world's biggest dickhead, and inside your head there's a" "million more dicks, like, uh, if you cut open a golf ball, only instead of those little rubber bands in there, it's just, you know..." "CYRIL:" "Dicks?" "ARCHER:" "Oh, so you have heard that." "MALORY:" "And so Gillette lands safely" " I'm sure there's a joke in there about fairy dust-- and then what happens?" "CYRIL (chuckles):" "Yeah, tell her what happens next." "ARCHER:" "I will if you shut your... mouth." "(quietly):" "Okay, listen up." "Say what you will about my skills as a drug kingpin..." "RAY:" "You don't have any." "CYRIL:" "Completely nonexistent." "ARCHER:" "Are you done?" "RAY and CYRIL:" "Yes." "ARCHER:" "Good, because if there's one thing I'm good at, out of the million other things I'm good at, it's infiltrating the enemy with an assumed identity." "RAY:" "Named Randy." "ARCHER:" "Named shut up, it's not always Randy." "GILLETTE (chuckling):" "Oh, my" "God." "CYRIL:" "Always." "(others agreeing) ARCHER:" "That's because" "Randy's awesome!" "And I'm the best in the world at this, so shut up and follow my lead." "Hey, guy... (grunts) (Ray and Cyril squeak)" "SLATER:" "Anybody else in there?" "RAY and CYRIL:" "No." "(others reacting in shock)" "MALORY:" "Sterling, how are you not dead?" "ARCHER (sighs):" "Because I didn't get shot with buckshot." "I got beanbagged." "(Pam growls)" "Beanbagged, Pam." "(others gasp, groan)" "MALORY:" "Oh, my God." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, I could've died." "CYRIL (scoffs):" "It was a beanbag." "ARCHER:" "Medical fact, Cyril." "If you get hit in the chest between heartbeats, you can die." "Go ask Houdini." "PAM (chuckling):" "Ask him what, how to get AIDS?" "MALORY (sighs):" "So who were these goons?" "ARCHER:" "They were..." "They kind of looked ex-military, now that you mention it." "MALORY:" "American." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, and the leader's name was..." "SLATER:" "Slater." "Just call me Slater." "And sorry about the beanbag." "Man, that must kill." "ARCHER:" "Yeah." "Yeah, you hear beanbag," you think Beanie Baby, not... internal bleeding." "SLATER:" "Well, the door was shot off, and we didn't know who you were." "Still don't, I guess, formally, uh..." "ARCHER:" "Uh, Rand... o." "SLATER:" "Rando." "ARCHER:" "Yep." "SLATER:" "Rando...?" "ARCHER:" "Uh, no, that's it." "It's a mononym, like Cher." "CYRIL:" "Pliny." "RAY:" "Cantinflas!" "SLATER:" "I know what "mononym"" "means." "What I don't know is who you people are." "ARCHER:" "Uh, I'm Rando" " I think we covered that fairly well-- and these are the, uh," "McCracken brothers, Phil and Odie." "CYRIL:" "Hello." "RAY:" "Odie, hush." "SLATER:" "So why do you guys have my cocaine?" "ARCHER:" "We..." "SLATER:" "I'm not done." "ARCHER:" "Sorry." "SLATER:" "What have you done with Gomez..." "What, you're just not gonna answer?" "ARCHER:" "Oh!" "S-Sorry." "You kind of trailed off like there was, like, a third..." "SLATER:" "Why do you have my cocaine and where the hell is Gomez, full goddamn stop!" "ARCHER:" "Gomez was gonna steal it." "SLATER:" "Says who?" "ARCHER (chuckles): "Who."" "Nice." "Anyway, they called us in, uh, to address that, which we did and now we're here and..." "Full stop?" "TOUGH GUY:" "Okay, this is the last of it." "The weight's good." "We tested ten of the bricks." "Looks like it's all here." "SLATER:" "Well, either you guys are the shittiest coke thieves on the planet..." "CYRIL (chuckles):" "Which we are not." "(chuckles) You know, I mean, if that was..." "I mean, if we put our minds to it." "Look, here's the thing about the McCracken brothers..." "ARCHER:" "Odie, hush!" "Uh, you were saying?" "SLATER:" "Hey, between you and me, I thought Gomez was hinky from the get-go and, since the coke's all here, let's get you fellas loaded." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, now you're talking." "About something else entirely." "Apparently." "SLATER (chuckles):" "What, did you nerf-nuts think I was talking about getting drunk?" "ARCHER:" "Uh, yeah, on money." "SLATER (laughing):" "Oh, man, classic Rando." "And don't worry, Calderon's good for the money." "At least for now." "Am I right, fellas?" "ARCHER:" "Are you?" "SLATER (laughs):" "Classic Rando." "ARCHER (chuckles):" "Yeah, Rando's awesome." "SLATER:" "So, obviously you're not gonna be able to pressurize this baby, so, uh..." "RAY:" "I'll keep it under 8,000." "SLATER:" "Still gonna freeze your asses off." "Good thing you're flying south, huh?" "ARCHER:" "Mmm... yep." "SLATER:" "You do know where you're going, right?" "ARCHER:" "I absolutely know where we're going." "CYRIL:" "Yeah, back home to ask Mommy what to do." "ARCHER:" "Hey, shut up!" "CYRIL:" "You shut up!" "ARCHER:" "Ow. (grunts) Ma, they done killed old Rando." "LANA:" "So, you leave here with a bunch of the first load of cocaine, which just mysteriously appeared at ISIS and that Malory swears wasn't hers..." "MALORY:" "Because it most certainly was not!" "CYRIL:" "Wait, then where did it come from?" "MALORY:" "Obviously from Sterling." "ARCHER:" "Obviously from Mother." "MALORY and ARCHER:" "No, not from me!" "Well, I certainly..." "(high-pitched whistle)" "(others groaning) LANA:" "Sorry to break that up." "I love Freaky Friday as much as the next gal, but let's just press on, operating under the assumption that one, or more likely both, of you are lying and that..." "MALORY and ARCHER:" "Lana, I swear..." "LANA (whistles):" "Pressing on." "So then you stumble into another bunch of cocaine in the jungle and then continue stumbling into a beanbagging arms dealer, so that now, almost inexplicably, we have enough weapons to invade Quebec." "KRIEGER:" "Wait, literally?" "LANA:" "No, Krieger, not literally." "PAM:" "Aww." "CHERLENE:" "Lame." "KRIEGER:" "Well, if we ever do, the best time to invade is right after brunch, when they're all logy." "LANA:" "Archer?" "ARCHER:" "I don't know." "I mean, it couldn't hurt, but..." "LANA:" "Still talking about this." "Not invading Quebec." "ARCHER:" "Oh, yeah, then they loaded the plane with the weapons, said we were heading south and that Calderon would pay us." "LANA:" "Calderon?" "(gasps) As in Gustavo Calderon?" "ARCHER (burps):" "Should I know who that is?" "CYRIL:" "How could you not?" "ARCHER:" "I don't know, Cyril." "Maybe I was busy saving your life once, and then you shot me." "MALORY:" "Gustavo Calderon, aka Baby Gus, is the president of" "San Marcos." "(Archer burps)" "ARCHER:" "Should I know..." "MALORY:" "Oh for God's sake," "Sterling, it's a country in Central America." "ARCHER:" "Mm, not according to this." "LANA:" "Because that thing's a hundred years old." "It still says "German East Africa."" "KRIEGER:" "We will never recognize Tanganyika!" "LANA:" "Well, it's Tanzania now, so..." "PAM:" "Aww." "CHERLENE:" "Lame." "KRIEGER:" "Well, whatever, as long as they don't nationalize the ivory trade." "I don't think my portfolio can take the hit." "LANA:" "Trust me, San Marcos is a country." "MALORY:" "And it's in the middle of a civil war." "Communist rebels are tearing through the countryside like..." "like..." "PAM:" "Cows." "Bees." "Hang on." "Bees." "MALORY (sighs):" "How do you not know about San Marcos?" "It's all over the news every night." "ANCHORMAN: from San Marcos tonight, as the Communist rebel forces consolidate their gains in the countryside, and now prepare to move on the capital." "We spoke with President Gustavo" "Calderon, seen here volunteering at the hospital, comforting the wounded." "CALDERON:" "Oh, hello, I did not see you there." "I was comforting this brave young man here, the fruit of San Marcos, wounded by a Communist sneeper." "I think he has died." "Yes." "But let me say this, to the" "Communists who are murdering our brave young fruits, and to the puppet masters in Moscow and the capital of China, you cannot kill the spirit of San Mar..." "PAM:" "Aww." "CHERLENE:" "Lame." "As in who cares." "MALORY:" "The United States." "Apparently Calderon is barely clinging to power." "ARCHER:" "Huh." "You think this is somehow related?" "(chuckles)" "I'm kidding, obviously." "RAY:" "Are you?" "PAM:" "Yeah, right." "LANA:" "I don't think you are." "ARCHER:" "Yes, I'm kidding." "Because you want to know what I really think is going on here?" "CHERLENE:" "You're all jealous!" "My album's coming out, and it's gonna be huge, and you're all jealous, and so you just want to ruin it for me." "MALORY:" "Why would I want to ruin your album?" "I get 50% of the profits." "LANA:" "Archer?" "ARCHER:" "I don't know, maybe a little jealous." "It's an exciting time for her." "LANA:" "This." "Still talking about this." "ARCHER:" "Oh, right, right, right." "So what I think is..." "MALORY:" "I think you've managed to stumble backwards into a CIA-backed, anti-Communist, drugs-for-arms operation." "ARCHER:" "Wow, that actually makes more sense." "LANA:" "Than...?" "ARCHER:" "No, no, let's just go with her thing." "CYRIL:" "Which, if it's true, is..." "MALORY:" "Wonderful." "CYRIL:" "I was going to say terrible." "MALORY:" "Because you are a timid man, Cyril." "CYRIL:" "What?" "No, I'm not." "PAM (laughing):" "Dude, your balls are made of pussy." "(Archer laughs) ARCHER:" "Aah!" "Ow." "Oh." "All kidding aside, I maybe should go to a hospital." "MALORY:" "Cyril, this is an opportunity to finally make some money." "Even if we had a buyer for the cocaine, do we even still have half of it left?" "KRIEGER:" "Eh..." "MALORY:" "What?" "KRIEGER:" "It's, um, you know, not..." "It's..." "MALORY:" "Krieger!" "KRIEGER:" "Mm?" "MALORY:" "Tell me what's going on or I will literally emasculate you." "KRIEGER:" "Well, no, if you literally emas... (coughs) Okay, so, for a few weeks, I've been working on a bit of a side project." "I give you..." "the Red Kriegtober." "LANA:" "Um..." "KRIEGER:" "Or the Red" "OctKrieger." "I can't decide." "It's a narco-sub." "For transporting cocaine." "It's totally undetectable by the Coast Guard." "Thoughts?" "LANA:" "How you gonna get it out of here?" "KRIEGER:" "Hm?" "LANA:" "How does that thing leave this room?" "KRIEGER:" "Goddamn it!" "MALORY:" "Oh, for the..." "How much money did you waste on that little boondoggle?" "KRIEGER:" "Well, it's not that so much as..." "MALORY:" "Krieger?" "KRIEGER:" "Well, I needed ballast, and what better to simulate bricks of cocaine than, you know, bricks of cocaine?" "MALORY:" "Krieger..." "KRIEGER:" "And when I realized it would never feel the wind on its face, or taste the salty spray of the sea, I..." "I... (explosions) MALORY:" "You what?" "KRIEGER:" "I blew it up!" "Goddamn you all to hell, I blew it up!" "(all exclaiming)" "CHERLENE:" "I'm not cleaning it up." "PAM:" "You mean it's all gone?" "KRIEGER:" "I... (sniffles)" "No, no, not all of it." "(Pam sobbing)" "PAM:" "Why?" "KRIEGER:" "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh." "There, there." "MALORY:" "Woodhouse, dear, I need some more ice." "WOODHOUSE:" "Straightaway, mum." "MALORY:" "Oh, and a small bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor." "CYRIL:" "Whoa." "RAY:" "Just calm down." "ARCHER:" "Whoa, whoa..." "LANA:" "You're not emasculating" "Krieger." "KRIEGER:" "What the hell was the mirror for?" "MALORY:" "So you could watch." "(thunder rumbles) (Krieger squeaks)" "(Malory sighs) MALORY:" "The perfect ending to the perfect..." "(laughs)" "I almost said "evening." More like months, though, isn't it?" "Since we started scrabbling for coins because the damn government took away our... everything." "They took everything." "And the only thing that was left, you idiots either lost, gave away, ate or just blew up and sank." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, Krieger." "LANA:" "Archer." "MALORY:" "And so, starting now, in addition to the country music business, which..." "CHERLENE:" "Right?" "MALORY:" "We are in the arms business." "KRIEGER:" "There's still a little cocaine left." "LANA:" "Krieger." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, Krieger." "LANA:" "And do we want to talk about this or..." "MALORY:" "You're welcome to." "I, personally, am going to bed." "It's been a long night." "ARCHER:" "Oh, yeah, wh-why are you all dressed up?" "MALORY:" "Well, not that it's any of anyone's business, but I had dinner with Ron." "ARCHER:" "What?" "CHERLENE:" "Ooh." "CYRIL:" "Sounds delightful." "ARCHER:" "Wait-- you're still getting divorced, right?" "MALORY:" "No." "We have decided to give it another chance, and so we will be going to marriage counseling and... (mumbles)" "ARCHER:" "Wait, what?" "PAM:" "Huh?" "CYRIL:" "Marriage counseling and what?" "ARCHER:" "I didn't catch that." "MALORY:" "Oh, for..." "We've decided to have an open marriage." "CYRIL:" "Okay." "PAM:" "Nice." "KRIEGER:" "Gross." "CHERLENE:" "Oh, my God." "MALORY:" "Well, it was either that or... (phone rings) CHERLENE (gasps):" "Oh, my God." "It's Ron." "Hello... (all gasping) ARCHER:" "Oh, no!" "MALORY:" "And so..." "ARCHER:" "Jesus." "Hope he doesn't call me." "Why would he call you?" "(phone ringing)" "(clears throat)"