"In last week's episode of Soap, much to everyone's surprise," "Chester confessed to the killing of Peter." "Of course, no one's surprised he was sent to prison." "Danny tried to convince Elaine not to marry him by faking impotency, but it didn't work... the plan, that is, and now he has to marry her." "Jodie and Carol are now sharing an apartment, but what they're not sharing is Carol's secret that she is pregnant, and Jodie's the father." "Meanwhile, back in prison, Chester's cellmate, Dutch, is hoping to escape." "Chester, who hates him, hopes he will, but is horrified to hear that he has to go along." "Confused?" "You won't be after this week's episode of..." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "Wake up." "Huh?" "Oh!" "Shh." "Aah!" "Get up, Tate." "We're ready." "Ready for what?" "The escape." "We're escaping n..." "Shut up!" "It's night time, for God's sake." "What do you want to do, escape in broad daylight?" "You moron." "Well, at least we could see." "Have a little dinner first." "Listen, Tate," "I want you to attract the guard's attention." "How?" "Scream." "I can't scream." "Scream, Tate!" "No, I can't." "Really, really." "No sound comes out." "My mouth opens and nothing." "I'm a... a silent screamer." "Watch." "See?" "Nothing." "All right, what's going on?" "Get the keys, Tate!" "Hey, Danny?" "Yeah?" "Hey, Danny, your mother's got our bathroom all tied up in her crying." "Can I use yours?" "Yeah, sure, but what's the matter?" "Why is she crying?" "Why is she crying?" "Danny, you're getting married." "She's been crying since last night." "She's crying because I'm getting married?" "Well, last night she was crying because you're getting married." "Tonight she's crying because her eyes look so bad from last night's crying." "I don't know, we're all a little excited and upset." "Look at me..." "I got dressed, forgot to shave." "I love the commercials for this razor, huh?" "Two swipes, a guy has shaved his entire face." "Of course, the man's a eunuch." "You know, I've been thinking, Danny." "Danny, I've been thinking, you know, I'm not going to work forever," "I mean, you know," "I'm gonna retire someday, and I don't want to sell my business." "I want to be able to pass it on, so, uh, I don't know, I've been thinking... how about we become partners?" "Partners?" "Yeah." "You and me?" "Yeah." "Gee, Burt, that's wonderful." "I mean, what a surprise." "Only thing is, right now," "I'm afraid I can't see my way clear." "You can't see your way clear?" "Yeah, you see, uh, I have a couple of interesting prospects of my own." "I'm thinking of becoming a banker." "A banker?" "Yeah." "Come on, Danny, what are you talking about?" "You just don't go out and be a banker." "Of course you can." "You rent a place..." "You hire a few tellers... you put up a sign that says "bank", and the people come by and drop off their dough." "Danny, first of all, the government controls the banks, and secondly, you need a lot of money to open a bank." "I could borrow some." "You're going to go to a bank to borrow money to open a bank?" "No good, huh?" "Well, I have another very interesting idea." "Opening up a supermarket." "Opening up a supermarket?" "Yeah." "No good?" "I have a very exciting idea that could revolutionize travel." "Revolutionize travel?" "Yeah." "I'm in this department store yesterday, right?" "And they take my money and put it in a tube, and then they put the tube in a chute and... thwack!" "Back it comes with my change." "So?" "So?" "So, I'm thinking, what about a tube like that, but bigger, carrying passengers from New York to LA?" "Thuh-wack!" "Be there in seconds." "Listen, Danny, Danny, Danny." "Please, you've got to grow up." "I mean, what do you know?" "Your entire experience is driving a car for the mob, and suddenly, you've got all these kind of fancy ideas." "You know how to parallel park, Danny." "That's it." "Danny, I'm offering you a partnership here, to be my partner." "Your partner, huh?" "Hey, I admit it's not a bank, but it's a start." "Campbell and Stepson." "No, Danny, you don't say "Campbell and Stepson,"" "you say "Campbell and Son."" "Okay." "Huh?" "We're partners?" "Partners." "There you go." "Hey." "Hey!" "No good, huh?" "No..." "No." "You making those knots secure, Tate?" "Oh, yes, yes." "I make wonderful knots." "That's good, because you're gonna test it." "No, no, no, no." "Come on." "Ow." "Oh, my God..." "Tate, are you all right?" "Wonderful." "This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life." "I know." "It's not." "I know." "It's the worst." "There." "I always thought I'd be nervous, but happy." "I always thought I'd be happy, but sad." "I'm just miserable." "So am I." "I always thought I'd love the girl I married." "I always thought the girl you'd marry to be a little like me, but Elaine is..." "I don't know." "She's a pig." "Danny." "That is a terrible thing to say." "It's awful." "Yeah, but it's true." "She is." "She's a pig!" "She is not a pig." "Don't say that." "Don't say that." "She's the girl you're going to marry." "You can't call her a pig..." "Even if she is one." "Mr. and Mrs. Burt Campbell are happy to announce the marriage of their son Danny... to a pig." "What are we laughing at?" "How terrible it is that Danny has to marry a girl he hates." "Sooie!" "Sooie!" "Hey, Burt..." "So what's the big joke?" "You are, dear." "Get your flaky sister out of here, please, and for God's sake, get dressed." "The ceremony's gonna start." "I am dressed." "You're wearing that?" "Come on." "Now, wait a minute." "You're not supposed to see the groom before the wedding." "It's bad luck." "And this marriage has got enough going against it already." "Come on, dear, let's wait outside." "You." "You'd better move it." "The Rabbi says he's gotta leave in 10 minutes." "He's got a bar mitzvah, two funerals, a bris, and tickets to Pippin." "Come on, dear." "They'll be along in just a moment." "Oh, you do look lovely." "You know, no one would guess you're trash." "Listen, uh... what were we laughing about?" "I'll tell you later." "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "I'll go." "Well, one thing doesn't change, no matter who you marry." "You're moving out." "I'm losing my baby." "You're not losing me, Ma." "I am." "I am." "I am." "You'll have your own home, your own family, your own refrigerator..." "You'll never call." "Don't be silly." "Of course I'll call." "When?" "What do you mean, "when"?" "I'll call every day." "You will?" "Of course I will." "And you'll come to dinner?" "Sure." "Every night?" "Oh, Ma." "Mrs. Gorney's son got married and moved to California." "She hears from him once a year at Christmas." "He sends her a card with a picture of his Mercedes." "That's it." "And Mrs. Kadish, poor soul... her son got married and moved away." "She's hasn't taken a bath in two years." "She's afraid he'll call, she'll be in the tub." "Come on, Ma." "That'll never happen." "Oh, I know I sound very silly to you." "But someday, when you have children, you'll understand that you say goodbye to a bit of your life when you say goodbye to your child." "But it's not goodbye, Ma." "I'll see you." "Yes, of course you will." "We'd better go." "There are 400 Swedish meatballs getting cold out there." "I love you, Ma." "And I love you, Danny." "Oh, perhaps you know, Mr. Lefkowitz." "Could you tell me why Jewish sculptors work in chopped liver instead of marble?" "So, what about you?" "Did you make up your mind yet?" "About what, Burt?" ""About what, Burt?"" "You're living with a girl and dating a boy, so which one's your girlfriend, the boy or the girl?" "Because if it's the girl, her father gives the wedding, and if it's the boy, just because he's a football boy, don't think you're the bride and I'm giving the wedding," "because forget about it." "I'm not." "Hey, Elaine, these are my cousins, Corinne and Eunice." "So?" "Charlie, a black man you invite?" "A schwartze?" "It's their side of the family." "Their side?" "A black man?" "A blood relative?" "Nah, you're kidding." "The man's a schwa..." "Schwartze." "Uh, Benson, I'm sorry." "I really hope you're not offended." "Listen, you're the one who's marrying into this family." "If you're happy, I'm tickled pink." "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make a toast." "This is an occasion I've looked forward to for a very long time, the marriage of my daughter." "When my wife died, I promised her on her deathbed" "I would take care of Elaine till the day she married, that she would never want for anything." "I've kept that promise." "And so, I hand my daughter over to a fine young man who, from now on, will take care of her, because I'm completely cutting her off." "She'll never get another penny or hear another word from me as long as I live, because she is a disgusting person and nothing thrills me more than to be rid of her forever." "Le'chaim." "This is high." "How do we get down?" "We jump." "Wha..." "Forget it." "Go ahead and jump, Tate." "Please..." "After you." "Okay." "Uhh!" "Don't get up." "Why?" "I need something soft to land on." "Oof!" "I'm telling you the truth, Dennis." "Elaine's father cut them off completely." "And now they have to go live with my parents because Danny doesn't have a dime." "I..." "Hi." "Hi." "What are you doing up so late?" "Waiting for you." "Uh, well, maybe I should go, huh?" "Don't go." "Go." "Carol..." "That's all right." "I could use a good night's sleep anyway." "I'll talk to you tomorrow." "Good night, Carol." "I've had it with you, Carol!" "I can't live like this anymore." "I'm moving out." "Now, listen, I'll pay half the rent until you're able to get yourself to..." "Don't do that, Carol." "What?" "All right, Carol." "All right." "Carol, okay." "We'll give it another few weeks." "But you've got to understand that we each have our own lives." "No." ""No," you don't understand, or "no," we don't have our own lives?" "Would you talk to me?" "Things have changed." "What things?" "Things." "Could you be more specific?" "I..." "I'm gonna have your baby." "What?" "I'm..." "gonna... have... your... baby." "You're pregnant?" "Up until now, that's how you usually had babies." "Y-you're sure?" "The rabbit died." "Uh, Carol?" "Uh..." "Carol, uh, how do you know that it's, uh..." "I mean, how can you be sure that it..." "It's yours." "How can you be sure?" "Jodie, you were the only one." "But it was only once." "That'll do it." "A baby?" "Yes." "A baby." "Right." "You went to the doctor?" "Yes." "Well, what did he say?" ""You're pregnant."" "Besides that." "I mean..." "Carol, are you okay?" "Oh, yeah, I'm fine." "Healthy as a horse." "A fine, healthy... mother-to-be." "Right." "Well, the father-to-be is not your standard model here." "I mean, considering he's in love with a man and, up until a few months ago, was wearing his mother's clothes, but, hey, that okay." "Oh, Jodie." "Maybe they made a mistake." "I mean, doctors can make mistakes." "If you're not an investment banker, sometimes they don't pay attention." "It isn't a mistake." "I see." "Uh..." "Um..." "Wh-what you want to do?" "I'm gonna have the baby." "You're gonna have the baby?" "She's gonna have a baby." "Be calm?" "How can I be calm when, right after your husband escapes, several other criminals go right out through the same bars that they cut, and escape too?" "And several of them were killers." "But don't you worry, we're gonna catch all of them." "Well, most of them... well, just some of them." "Oh, I don't know." "I can't believe that Dad's an escaped prisoner." "We must shoot escaping prisoners!" "Set an example!" "I know this is bending the Geneva Con slightly, but so what?" "Where is Benson?" "It's time for our dessert." "He's down in the basement, Mom." "Oh, darling, would you go down and get him?" "All right." "I hate the basement." "It gives me the creeps." "The basement doesn't bother me a bit." "It's the attic I hate." "I don't like the ocean." "The ocean always scares me." "I wonder where Daddy's gonna go." "Probably Mexico or South America." "Oh, I don't think so." "Your father and I went there once, on a cruise, and he never got out of the bathroom." "Well, what is keeping Billy?" "Corinne, please, go and see where your brother is." "Oh, only if Eunice comes with me." "Oh, honestly, Corinne..." "I once escaped from a POW camp." "I dug a tunnel with a spoon and carried the dirt out in my shorts." "And after 10 months of digging," "I finally made my escape through the tunnel." "Oh, it was a beautiful tunnel." "There was only one thing wrong with it, though." "It came out right in Hitler's dressing room." "That's nice, Daddy." "Eunice?" "Billy?" "Children, come on now." "I'm ready for my dessert." "That's strange." "I also ruined my only pair of shorts." "Hello?" "Yoo-hoo!" "Where is everybody?" "Is this a surprise party?" "Because if it is, I'm not telling you my age." "All right, now, come on... fun's fun, but everybody come up." "Hmm." "Strange." "All right." "I'm coming down now... but, please, don't anybody scare me." "Billy?" "Eunice?" "Corinne?" "Will Danny and Elaine find happiness, even though he thinks she's a farm animal?" "Will Burt and Mary find happiness living with Danny and the farm animal?" "Will Jodie have to change his life once he's changing diapers?" "Will Sheriff Tinkler find Chester, Dutch, and the other escaped criminals?" "And if he does find Chester, what kind of shape will he be in?" "What's happened to Benson, Billy, Eunice, and Corinne in the basement?" "And what's going to happen to Jessica?" "These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."