"[laughter]" " Hi." "Good evening." "Welcome to "The Meltdown."" "My name is Mike Rosenstein." "I am the producer of "The Meltdown."" "Tonight is kind of a special episode." "It's called, uh, "Meltdown and a Murder."" "You will be led from this venue through a series of labyrinths." "And just a couple of ground rules:" "when you're led out of this venue, there is a solid chance that Todd Barry is going to touch your genitals." "These are just general rules." "Uh, you might--there's also some squirt guns that might get pulled out in these labyrinths." "By the way, I hope-- does anyone have a hard out of a time they have to be home?" "Like, an absolute, like, hard out?" "You turn into a pumpkin, you can't get..." "You can't have Todd Barry touching your genitals, or being squirt-gunned by the guy from "Reno 911!"" "Behind a 7-11 that they're telling you is a labyrinth." "Great, so your laughter is your consent." "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the hosts of "The Meltdown" last ever show," "Kumail Santorini and Jonah Hex!" "[JacuzziBoys'"Vizcaya" playing]" "♪♪" "♪ Gonnahaveasmoke♪" "♪' Causethetrain's gonnabeaslowoh♪" "♪HereIgo♪" "♪Livin'so faraway♪" "♪ Viva, Vizcaya today ♪" "♪Ay♪" "♪Ayay ♪" " Give it up for your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" " Yay!" " Oh, God!" "Look at these beautiful faces." " Yeah, we got an old "Meltdown" shirt right there." "Got a "Meltdown" shirt." " Oh, my God." "Wow." "You're cool." "What's your name?" " Twan." " Twan?" "How do you spell that?" " Uh, T-W-A-N." " Okay, you had to think about it." " It's not using a little apostrophe thing, it's" " Oh, you were like, should I-- can Kumail Nanjiani handle a non-standard name?" " How many apostrophes are in your name?" " I left them out." "My stage name has none." " What is it?" "Is it Ku'umail?" "Na'anjia'ani?" " No, I'm not from Hawai'i." " We don't use an apostrophe." "It's called an 'okina." "And it's our 13th letter, kind of." " How many letters are there?" " 12." " Your entire language has 12 1/2 letters?" " Who needs more than that, bruddah?" "Cheehoo!" " The world." "Don't clap for that." " Nah, nah, these kind of bruddahs, they know what up, eh?" " That's why whenever-- I went there once, and all street names were like five Ks, and then a couple Us." " Yeah, you'll never see longer street signs than in Hawaii." "They'll be about this long" " Yeah." " 'Cause it's, you know." " [mimicking Hawaiian]" " That's--that's most likely a word." "That's most likely..." " Yeah, we were driving, and we would get lost, and they were like, "Oh, you--I understand." ""You went to [gibberish]." "You should have gone to [gibberish]."" " Yeah." " "You're such an idiot." "See ya, bruddah."" " You applaud his blatant racism?" " I can't be racist." " Why, 'cause you're Italian?" " I'm first up tonight." " How exciting." " Yeah." " You need any tips?" "I've been, uh..." " How do you?" "Tell me." "Give me tips." "What would you want to hear?" " Want any tips?" " [laughing]" " It's her first TV set." " I don't think anyone else wants tips." " It's her first TV set, I figured it'd be a great..." "First of all, you seem relaxed." " I shouldn't have" "I shouldn't have said it." "I've, uh, recently become, uh, woke." "I don't know if you guys know that term." "I just got woke." "If you don't know the term, it's a black Twitter term." "It originated on black Twitter, and basically just, like, a bunch of black-- black people on Twitter got really angry about, like, all the injustice that's going on in the country, and the hashtag is #staywoke, so basically," "you just get, like, really angry about injustice, and then you just don't go to sleep, um, 'cause you're so awake 'cause of everything that's going on." "And I got super woke right before I went to India." "I went to India--I was, like, shitting on America so much." "I was just, like, America's garbage." "You know, like, uh, Sandra Bland, and, uh, Flint Water crisis, this is fucking bullshit." "Two days in India, and I was like... ♪ God bless ♪" "♪ America ♪" "Oh, my God, I pledge allegiance to the stands." "Guys, third world countries are rough." "It was rough." "I'll tell you guys a little bit about me." "I used to be made fun of a lot when I was in middle school." "A lot of people used to call me an Oreo." "They'd be like, "Charla, you talk white." ""You're white on the inside and black on the outside." "You're an Oreo."" "Which I just find so ironic now because I was recently diagnosed with a gluten allergy, which is literally the whitest ailment, like, on the planet." "I'm from New York." "A lot of people have a lot of, you know, misconceptions about New York." "I'm originally from Massachusetts, and when I moved to New York, I was really nervous." "Like, people always tell you that" "New Yorkers are so mean." "And I remember my first show in New York City," "I got off stage, and this, like, old, crinkly white man came up to me afterwards, and he was like, "You want to do some blow?"" "Just, like, right off the bat." "No "Hi" or anything." "Or "Great show." Nothing." "And I was like, is that cocaine, sir?" "And he was like, "Yeah."" "And I was like, well, what do you expect me to do for it?" "And he was like, "Nothing." "I just want to party."" "And like, seriously, I was like, people in New York... are the nicest people" "I've ever met." "Like, how sweet was that man, right?" "Like, namaste, sir." "Peace be with you." "I would love some free cocaine." "Oh, my God." "There was one time when I was eating fried chicken in public, though." "Um, and this black guy came up to me, and he was like, "Really?" "Are you really gonna eat fried chicken right now?"" "And I was so embarrassed, because, like, white people were sitting right next to me, and I was like, are you really gonna chicken-shame me in front of these white people?" "Like, white people would never do that to each other." "They'd never be like, really?" "Are you really gonna eat hummus right now in front of these black people?" "[electronicmusic] [upbeatmusic]" " So, there's a tattoo shop right next door." "And we are gonna give one person from the crowd a free "Meltdown" tattoo." "Do--do you want it?" " Yeah." " All right." "Come on up." " All right." " We have a couple of designs picked out that you can pick from." " Okay." " And they're gonna walk you over." " You're gonna have to also get our names." "Gonna have to get "The Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail."" " Oh, really?" " Is that real?" " Is that part of it?" " That's real." "Are you prepared to do that?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" " Can it go-- can it go on my leg?" "both:" "It can go wherever you want." " All right." "Probably the whale." " Probably the whale?" " That seems most" " What about Krampus?" "Gramp--Grampus?" "Grandpa?" " I love that one." "I have that poster up in my apartment." " Do you want that tattoo up on your leg?" " [laughing]" "Yeah, I'll get the whale." " I'll take a picture, and I'll let you know how you look so you can see it, okay?" "See?" "I actually like that." "I think that's a great pic." "I think you look good in that." " [laughing]" " God, it's a penis, isn't it?" " No!" " No, it's Kumail." " It's not a penis!" " Oh, God." "It's a butthole?" " It's a butthole." " Who is that?" " Yeah, it's a butthole." "I wanted to introduce you guys to my favorite homophobe in the world." "His name is Fred Phelps." "He was the minister of the Westboro Baptist Church, which was famous for going around the country and protesting funerals of soldiers and all these people because America is a country that supports homosexuality." "Fred is crazy, but some people take him, like, very seriously, which I think is a really big mistake." "So, to further exhibit my point and to better introduce you to Fred," "I wanted to play a couple clips." "So here's a clip from a sermon that Fred gave literally three days after September 11th." "Andhowmany,doyousuppose, ofthose130orso thatdiedin thePentagon werefagsanddykes?" " That's a good question." "And it also depends on who you ask." "If you as the Pentagon how many gay people died during 9/11, they'd probably tell you zero." "A social scientist would say between 4% and 8% of the population is gay." "The Kinsey Report says about a third of all people--of all men have had some form of homosexuality at some point in their life." "So your options are:" "A, zero," "B, 4%-8%," "C, 33%, or D... all of them." "It'sverylikelythat every lastsingleoneof' em  wasa fagor adyke ora fagenabler." " Okay." "Allow me to clarify some terminology before we continue." ""Fag enabler" is a more formal term for "Fag hag."" "And it's defined as anyone who isn't actively punching gay people." "So for instance, uh, my mother." "Ja Rule." "Of course, "Fag enabler" is one of the more colorful pieces of terminology that Fred uses to refer to the enemy." "Let's play another one." "Rumsfeld'srumprangers." " "Rumsfeld's rump rangers" was a division of the government during the Bush era that was purely in charge of just fucking Donald Rumsfeld." "Uh...why?" "Well, because he worked for the government, and he's a gay man, that's why." "Let's play the next one." "Faggy-lookingturkey." " That's a gay turkey." "That's just, uh, just a gay turkey." "No ifs, ands, or buts about it." "And I think it's important to note at this point that fags, and dykes, and fag enablers alike, they can be human, they can be animal..." "I havenotthe least hesitancy inboldlydeclaring thatCookieMonster isinhell." " They could be Muppets." "And I--the reason why I love Fred so much is that he and I have a history." "He came to my university senior year, and he protested my entire university because--and I'm not making this up" "Elton John had been there once." "That was the whole reason why he came." "So I went, uh, to the counter-protest, 'cause this is when I still took him seriously, and I got a little bored during it, so I started calling Fred Phelps a "Gaywad" to his face." "Assuming that was gonna get a rise out of Fred Phelps." "Then, like three or four iterations in, he actually dropped his sign, he looked me dead in the eyes, and he said," ""I'm not the gaywad, gaywad."" "Greatest comeback of all time." "It was so good that my dad, who was next to me, actually leaned in and said," ""He's got you there."" "Uh, that's it." "That's it for me." "Thanks, everyone." "[cheersandapplause]" " I was like, I don't care about the scar." "I just want to make sure-- get the cancer out of my cheek." "And then when I woke up, I was like," ""Oh, I don't like this scar." [laughter]" " It's--that-- it's a tight stitch." "all:" "Yeah." " I'm literally Batman's doctor." " Oh." " You're fine." " Yeah, he-- what that guy goes through..." " Yeah, imagine." " [laughing] That's no-- he has melanoma's removed all the time." " All the time." " Most of what I do as Batman's doctor is skin stuff." " Yeah." " Yeah, people don't know that." " So pale." "You know he's that rich guy too." " What?" " Oh, nothing." "[cheers and applause]" "Oh, man." "I was sexting with this girl today." "And I was like, send me a picture of that ass, right?" "I want to jack off, so send me a picture of that ass." "So she sent me a picture of a donkey." "Now that's just wrong." "But I won, 'cause I jacked off to that." "Now when I watch "Shrek," I'm like, who your hottie friend?" "I smoke weed, though, you know?" "This was basically my day today, right?" "Smoked weed, jacked off, took a shower." "I was in the shower, I looked at the shampoo bottle, it said "Rinse and repeat."" "So I rinsed, smoked weed, jacked off, took a shower." "After a couple cycles, I was like, this shampoo is gonna make my dick fall off." "You do some crazy jackoffs when you high, though." "You do some crazy jackoffs when you high." "You look at your computer history the next day, and you're like, damn, that's nasty, but you didn't care when you was high!" "I don't actually think these are my cards." "[buzzing]" " This is when you start going, did I spell-check any of this?" " If it's misspelled, way funnier." " Way funnier." " This is not my material." "These are not my cards." "I do not stand behind any of that." "I feel like a lot of it was misogynistic, and I'm very sorry." "I can remember, uh, my set, um, like everyone else." "Uh..." "So let's see." "[sighs]" "My mom calls me all the time, and she leaves, um, these voicemails, especially this week, because I had a, um, a sc--a scary surgery on my face, and, um, it's all gonna be all right," "but my mom's been calling a lot, and most of her voicemail is just the time that she called, and, um... and time--time zone math." "And, um..." "Um..." "I--the worst part about it is that, um, um...[mumbling], time zone... the worst, uh... the worst part about it is..." "I'm sorry." "I got to use the cards." "I can't remember." "I can't remember." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "These are not mine." "I didn't--I can't--I'm sorry." "My God damn dick is something, though, you know?" "Telling you, it's like the list of nominees for the Academy Awards, right?" "Big, long, and white, all right?" "Smack that ass!" "Smack that ass!" "I didn't like that one." "Uh..." "Check it out, my mom always calls me, especially 'cause of my face surgery-- oh, these are my cards." "I guess that's, um, how I think and feel." "[electronicmusic]" " Hi, Todd." " Charla." " Yes." " What?" " Yeah." "Todd Barry?" " Hi, Todd." " Little--I see Emily's rubbing off on you." " [laughing]" " Yeah." " The snippiness and the rudeness." " You make it too fun." " I do." "I make everything too fun." "Except comedy." "[laughter]" "Todd Barry, special out-of-town celebrity guest." "I did think of an idea on the way over here." "It sounds impressive, but when it's a six hour fucking flight, six hours is actually a long time." "I've seen shows here-- if you combined all the writing done for every set ever done on this stage, probably two hours." "So I had three times as much time to write something on the way over here." "Anyway, what I'm trying to say is let's do some crowd work." "Lady, what's the deal with the tattoos?" " Me?" " Yeah." "What do they mean to you?" " Music?" " A Modest Mouse one?" "Oh, my God." " And the Mountain Goats." "Holy shit." " You like animal bands." " Yeah, I know what you meant by "Animal bands."" "I came up with this idea on the plane over here." "I know--I'm smart enough to know what animal bands are." " Uh, what are you getting?" " I'm getting a whale drawn by Dave Kloc." " Yeah." "A whale." "There you go." " This is just cool because, you know, it's the show that I've gone to every week for like three years." " You're getting emotional." "I like that." " How you doing, smiley?" " You're good?" " Do you like that I called you "Smiley"?" "I'm really quick." "See a dude smiling, I go, "Hey, smiley."" "What's your name?" " Ryan?" "That is not what I expected." "What do you do, Ryan?" " You drive a Lyft?" " Yeah." " Oh, my God." "What do I tip those guys?" " A dollar?" " No, you can-- I've tipped way more than that." "For, like, an airport run?" "Yeah." "But now that I know I don't have to..." "I can get that new kitchen for my apartment." "This was funded completely by money saved by stiffing Lyft drivers." ""Ah, you got one of those double freezer things."" "Yeah, I do." "$1 tips." "On an airport run." "What else do you do besides ride Lyft?" " Figuring it out?" "Let's figure it out together." "Let's figure it out." "Ryan, let's figure it out." "Seriously." "You seem like a nice guy." "Okay, what interests do you have, Ryan?" " You're in the right town for it." "What do you--what do you mean you like movies and TV?" "I like Thai food, I'm not opening a Thai restaurant." "He's like, "Wow, I never thought about that." ""He likes Thai food, but he--yeah," ""why would he open a Thai restaurant?" ""Sort of making me re-think" ""this whole 'movie and film career'" ""that I--that I haven't really started thinking about yet."" "What do you want to do in movies and film?" " Write cool stories?" " Yeah?" " Have you written anything?" " Nothing good." " Yeah." " You're still in the right town." "Thanks, everyone." "Good night, everyone." " That's our show!" " That's our show, everybody." " Thank you so much for coming." " How'd that tattoo go?" " Emily Gordon, and also... there's the tattoo!" " Can you see it?" " Everyone see it?" " Can you see it?" " Oh, there he is." " Yeah!" " There's the tattoo." " [imitating motor]" " Yeah!" "[ imitatingmotor]"