"Version: 1.1 Date: 16.12.2008 Subtitles by:" "Boomstick10" "In the mining town of Gold Lick the year was 1870." "The Chinese came to work and rid themselves of poverty." "Then one night it happened, the disaster struck." "A rumble from below, the Chinese were stuck." "An old Chinaman prayed all the loved ones he so cherished." "Asking the Saint of curd to protect to souls who perished." "Guan-Di is his name." "Guan-Di is his name." "Guan-you, Guan-me, Guan-Di." "Guan-Di is his name." "WELCOME TO GOLD LICK POPULATION 339" "Bull's eye!" "Yeah!" " Have a swig, man." " No, that's ok." " Come on, it's just pretty pussy." "Have a drink." " All right, fine." " I love beer." " Yeah, I can tell." "I though I told you to ditch all this monster movie crap." " What's wrong with it?" " Jesus, Jeff!" "When you're gonna grow up?" "Can't you even laid as hard enough - without having to explain the whole Bruce Campbell factor?" "What's wrong with Bruce Campbell?" "Death of the Dead?" "Maniac Cop?" "Moonwarp?" "Bruce Campbell is the greatest actor of his generation." "Man With the Screaming Brain?" "Alien Apocalypse?" " Here's a good one:" "Cavealien." " That is a good one!" ""Bruce Campbell is lieutenant Jack Striker, a rogue clone warrior, - the mankind's last hope against the deadly Cavealiens."" " So?" " Dude, for get thumbs, Ebert wouldn't wipe his crack with this trash!" " Get out of the car." " What?" " If you don't like Bruce, you walk!" " Hey, take it easy, man!" " Besides, I kinda like Bubba Ho-tep." " Everyone likes it!" "Calm down!" "Okay." "Fine." " Now, can we please go get laid?" " Right." "Holy shit!" " Dick!" " Dude, just fucking with you." "Come on." "You scream like a girl!" "Jeff, Little Debbie." "Clayton, Big Debbie." "Come on, let's go check out this creepy graveyard." "When I told her I've scared green about this old graveyard, - she practically drive home to me on the spot." " She's sorta cute." " Yeah, don't worry Hard One, " "Morticia's all yours." "I'm gonna go practice my Human Fly on little miss Skyscraper over there." "Don't it look ancient?" "Historic?" "Yeah, these graves have been around since the cave in of..." " A long time ago." " It must've meant a lots of these people." "Let's break something!" "As long it's not my heart." " What do you say?" "Give some sugar, baby!" " What?" "We can play the hard to get all night, but..." "This game's called eye tag, - then let's say I'm in." "Your loss, baby!" "Your loss." "So, uh..." " Why haven't I seen you in around the school?" " That's because I'm never there." "Cool." " Seeing anybody?" " No." "Cool!" "Groovy!" "Christ!" "Shit!" "Come on!" "Get the hell out of here!" "Freak." "Shit!" "Clayton, run!" "Yeah." "Try, Romeo." "Shit!" " What's up with that fucking lightning?" " That's heat lightning, baby." "What the fuck?" "Get off me!" " Jeff!" "Don't leave me!" " Come on, Clayton!" "Run!" " Jeff, don't leave me, man!" " Come on, man!" "Don't fucking leave me!" "No!" "Shit!" "What did I do?" "Hold it right there!" "What's wrong with you, Striker?" "You've got the Cavealien cornered." "Ok, so transmit the scans up to Delta-Baker, - plant some bio-blasters and send out for Chinese." " Colonel Parker is still trapped down there." " Cry me a river, toots." "Last time I ran into colonel Parker, he had me in front of a firing squad!" "Coward!" "I should've left you on the Regular 9." "You know you couldn't do that baby." "That's right." "You knew they'd build me out your old man's DNA." "Don't you?" "So I say we're keeping the family search swapping some spit ASAP." " You're disgusting!" " I'm a man, - and I've wanted to do this ever since we landed on this rock." "Damn it!" "We're surrounded!" "Behind you!" "Get down!" "Can't you die?" " Cut!" "Cut!" " Cut!" " Dude, light me, don't fight me." " Hey, bite me!" " Bruce, that was sweet." " Don't you think it was little over the top?" "No, it was very Caligula meets the Apple Dumpling Gang." " That's not an answer." " It was perfect for Cavealien 2." "Moving on!" "Hey, Tiny." "Fetch me another lemon water, will you?" " They'd just run out, man." " Well then do... you run out." "Capisce?" "Nice shot, baby." "I'll tell you, - what a relief on these down and dirty shows to be working with a pro." "I wouldn't know." "Goddamn it." "Give me some lemon water." "Give me some sugar, baby." "Perfect!" "You don't want this, butch..." "I know this bar out of Kawaga where the drinks are cheap and..." "I'll be there." "Hello?" " No, you're not interrupting anything." " At least, think it over!" " There's a cap that refreshing lemon water that you asked for, sir." " Thanks." " This is warm!" " Sir, I'm sorry." "I'll make sure - you'll get a ice cold case of it in your trailer by the morning." "You're lucky." "See to it!" "Man!" "That's good!" "You're on!" "Hey guys." "How you're doing?" "Here you go." "One for you..." "When you were in Army of Darkness and were stuck down in the pit,   how did you get your shotgun back?" " Talk to the writer, man, I don't know." " Did your work with Allen turn you gay?" " No, but your stupid question did." " Why did you do Serving Sara?" " Why did I do it?" "For the money, mouth breather, why else?" "Love of God, what is that stench?" "Here, it's called deodorant." "Look it up on your internets." "See ya boys." "Late, bonsoir." " Hey, mister Campbell!" " Yeah?" "Gimme your autograph." " You've got a pen?" " Why?" "You ain't got no pen?" " What's your name?" " Gerad." " Here you go, Jerad." "Have a good one, buddy." " It's Gerad with a G." " Here you go, Gerard." " Hey, Mr Campbell, you've got a - more recent picture than this?" " Let me ask you something." "Ever seen Rawhide?" " Yeah." " You like it?" " Yeah." "Well then you know you've got to keep them doggies rolling!" "Freak!" "Yo, babycakes!" "How about a Bourbon with a..." "How about you wait your turn, jerk?" "There's more where that came from." "You." "You, give me some sugar, baby." " How you're doing?" " Good, good!" "Hey, good news." "I made the trades today." " Really?" " Check the obituaries, you'll find my career there." "You know Bruce, I just talked to the studio." "They saw the dailies for Cavealien 2, and they said   you have never been better." " That's because unlike most action stars, " "I can speak, what's the word..." ""English"." " Will that be in cash?" " Oh yeah, that will be in cash." "My friend and agent, Mr. Mills Toddner here will take care of that." "That's perfect, you keep the change." "Don't be a stranger." " Sure, it's a special occasion." " Sure it is." "It's a night I'll fire your polyester ass." " I'm sensing a little hostility coming this way." " You think so?" "Maybe that's because I spent last six days of my life - making a sequel to one of the crappiest movies ever." " You make lots of crappy movies." " Oh, that doesn't help." "Liquor, liquor, please!" "Look, the customer reviews on Amazon were great." "Yeah, the ones you posted!" "BC, I sense that you wanna unload." "I sense that - you have a lot on your mind." "So, " "I'm here." "Give it to me." " It's just that I think that..." " Excuse me, I gotta take this." "Jean Paul, bonjour!" "I'm sorry." "It just that I think I'm losing my muse." "Do you know what I mean?" "It child-like innocent quality, - that all great artists have to create." "If an actors life is like a painting, then it's a work in progress." "But how can I create my great masterpiece, - if my paint is drying up, my canvas is cracked - and all my brushes are covered with a fake monster blood!" " It's Cheryl, isn't it?" " No." " You can't stop thinking about her." " If I say "no" three times, - will The Candyman come out?" "You were fired before, now you're fired twice." "Okay, you'll never know what I got you for your birthday." "My birthday?" " You actually remembered my birthday?" " Compadre, hello!" "Loco?" "I am your agent." "You are my number one client." " If this another Matthew Perry movie..." " Better." " Gimme a hint." " But you fired me, so..." " Goddamn it!" "Just tell me!" "Let's just say: this is gonna be the best birthday present you've ever had." " Nice." " You're crazy." " No, you are!" "I love you man!" " How about it!" " Excuse me." "I got to take this." "Sorry." "Crisp bean curd's kinda watery and gross." " But you did get the wadding cold, didn't you?" " Yeah." " Finnish your bean curd." " It's still gross." " What was that, mom?" " I'm not sure, Skippy." "You stay here." "BEAN CURD IT'S GUAN-DI-LICIOUS!" "I don't know why I'm complaining." "I'm a lucky guy!" "I got my health." "Jesus!" "My divorce is final." "Lousy whore!" "And I got my loyal fans." "I hated my last movie." "I hated my last five movies, yeah!" "Me and my wonderful, wonderful fans." "That was easy." "Hey buddy." "Hey little Sam 'n Rob." "Come here boy!" "Come on!" "What's the matter?" "You thought I forgot about you, didn't you?" "Time for some hooch!" "Come on!" "Hooch for the pooch!" "There you go." "Some for Dad!" "What's on the poop tube?" "And now part nine of an ongoing, exclusive, investigative series." " Oh, who wants to watch that horse shit!" " Next, we take a scary look - at the life and times of B movie horror star Bruce Campbell." "Hey, I know that guy!" "Yeah, that's entertainment." "I'll drink for that!" "Campbell, best knows for his parts in a horrific Evil Dead films, - appears to have disappeared from the entertainment scene." " What?" " Tonight our Where Are They Now reporter Charlie Payton - takes an affectionate look back on a promising career - that many feel was squandered on low budget trash." "You shut your face!" "They're treating me like..." "Like I'm a has-been!" "Like I'm..." "like I'm all washed out!" "They're trying to make me look pathetic!" "Yeah, they are!" "Not me." "Not me!" "Oh, God!" " Hallo?" " Hello, Cheryl!" "It's me." " Bruce, what now?" " I was just, you know... celebrating the almost wrap of my latest movie, you know." "Just one more day." "You got into the dog's bowl again, didn't you?" "Shut up, you selfish blot!" "It's your birthday, isn't it?" "Every year it's the - same old Poor Me routine." "Come on." "Can't a guy get bombed and call his ex-wife at 3 'o clock in the morning   without it meaning something?" " Bruce." " I talked to Mills today." " Yeah?" "What did Old 10 % have to say?" "Just that you were depressed." " So he's planning something special for your birthday." " Yeah?" " Did- did he say what?" " No, it's a surprise." "Come on, Shewyl!" "Tell me!" "Tell me, please, Shewyl!" " I'm hanging up!" " No!" "No!" "Don't, baby!" "I'm sorry." "How did things get so messed up between us?" " You slept with a dog sitter, Bruce!" " One lousy mistake." " All of them." " Okay, 12 lousy mistakes." "Come on baby!" "I was confused then." "I'm fine now!" "God, I miss you and the kids." " What kids?" " The ones we would've had, if you've just hung on!" "You wanna know the truth about us, Bruce?" "It wasn't the cheating, or the boozing, - or ever the endless whining, that killed our marriage." "You just couldn't commit." "To your career, - to our relationship, to much of anything." "So, the cheating, boozing and endless whining were ok?" " Who was that, baby?" " Nobody." "Come on Millsy." "Introduce me to Big Jim one more time." "I already set up a meeting." "I'm gonna make a call!" "What could you possibly want at 4:30 in the morning?" " Mr Campbell, we need your help!" " I need my sleep!" "Gold Lick needs you!" "A group of teenagers unwittingly unleashed Guan-Di, - the Chinese God of war and protector of the dead!" "And unless you help us stop him, he will kill every one of us!" "Okay, settle down." "I'm gonna give you some advice." "Keep it under 1,5 million." "Get one name actor, - and if you go straight to DVD, - you might break even." "Now, fuck off!" "I've heard some lame pitches in my day, but that takes the cake." "I said get lost, you little..." "A quarter!" "The Chinese believed there is a God of every thing." "A God of the sun, the moon, the wind and rain." "It's hard to imagine, and it may sound absurd, - but there's even a patron saint of bean curd." "Guan-Di is his name." "Guan-Di is his name." "Guan-you, Guan-me, Guan-Di." "Guan-Di is his name." "What the hell?" " Hey, let me outta here!" " Mr. Campbell?" " Are you ok?" " Who are you?" "This is Jeff!" "Look, umm..." "I'm sorry about the whole baseball bat thing." "Look, I left some Twinkies back there." "And there's a flashlight next to a spare." "I also left an empty bottle back there, if you need to..." "You know." "Look, Mr. Campbell..." "I know you're propably tired - and sore and suffering from a concussion, - but is it true, that you're making a sequel to Cavealien?" "Oh my God!" "He's a fan." "This finally happened." "Help!" "Help!" "Oh, for God sakes, kid." "At least go easy on the bumps!" "I'm sorry Mr. Campbell." "I do my best." "CAUTION ROUGH ROAD NEXT 75 MILES" " Gin!" " Dang, Ed." "That's three in a row, Edna!" " What was that, Hank?" " I don't know." "Sounded like something up by the barn." "You close that door." "You lock it." " What if you need to come..." " Just close the door, - don't open it, no matter what you hear!" "Open the door!" "Open the door, Edna!" "But Hank, you said, don't open the door!" "For Christ sake, woman!" "We've been married for 35 years!" "Open the goddamn door!" "Gotcha!" "There were nothing out there." "I was just funning with you." "You old fool." "I can't believe you got me like that!" "You should've seen the look on your face!" "You sure..." "Hey Luigi, paint the sign." "I tell you something, you paint the damn sign!" "But I do." "I paint the beauty sign." "There he is!" "He is here!" "Welcome to Gold Lick, Mr. Campbell." " Gold Lick?" "Where the fuck is Gold Lick?" " Hey, easy man, that's the mayor." "I don't give a shit if he's the king of Kiss My Ass." "I just spent the last six hours in a trunk and I want some answers." "Chop, chop!" "Well, hello!" "Consider yourself officially except for my wrath, sweetcakes." "And if you're lucky little later, I let you play with my boomstick." "What?" "Now, I don't imagine, you get "moving pictures" here in this fart hole, - so let me explain something." "What you just did..." "You just kidnapped a movie star, you got that?" "So you didn't just committed a crime against me, - which was pretty frigging huge, - you committed a crime against art itself!" "In fact, I was due back on the set of my latest motion picture hours ago - and you can bet your bottom dollar, - they're gonna be doing everything they can to get me back!" "What are we waiting for?" "A hole Campbell didn't show up." "Time to plan B, my friend." "Okay people." "Big energy, let's go!" "Action!" "That's good!" "As much as I'd love to hang around here, until the FBI   rips to you grit eaters a new one..." " Mr. Campbell, I don't understand!" "Your agent said you were free." "What does my agent have to do with any of this?" "He just said, not to book you on your birthday, or something like that." "My birthday?" "My birthday!" "My birthday, that's it!" "Mills, you magnificent bastard." "When you said there was a surprise in store..." "Holy moly!" "That's a great tie, by the way." "I gotta make a phone call." "I'll be right back." "Don't do anything quaint until I return." " Mills Toddner's office." " Yes, Mills Toddner, please." " Who's calling?" " Bruce Campbell." " Who?" " Bruce Campbell." " He's not here." "Is voice mail ok?" " Yeah, voice mail is fine." " Mills, thrill me!" "Mills, Campbell here." "I gotta tell you, pal..." "This is without a doubt the most outrageous birthday present I've ever got." "So, thanks man, you're beautiful." "And that whole firing thing, what are you crazy, it's a joke!" "I know you guys propably can't break character, but I gotta tell you..." "Man, you really had me going." "You really did." "I don't understand." "For a minute there I though I was in a sequel of The Deliverance, - and someone was about to say:" ""Squeal like a pig, boy!"" "Yes, there is no reason beating around the bush." " And I realize this is rather unorthodox..." " Say no more, Mr. Mayor." "My hero senses are tingling." "I sense that the town of Gold Lick is in trouble." "Big trouble." "And you need my help." " Do you?" "You need my help?" "Yes or no?" " That's exactly right!" "How about that?" "Put the words right into your mouth." "But not just any help, huh?" "You need someone special." "Someone who can take on a heinous monster - and stop him in his tracks and take him to justice." "That will be me." "Mr. Mayor, your worries are over." "'Cause there's a new sheriff in town, and his gonna clean up this mess." "Gold Lick, it's a good day." "I'm here to help!" "Let's hear it for mister Bruce Campbell!" "It's just another day in the life of a hero." "Mr. Mayor, tell us what's next." "We'd like to show you exactly what you're up against." "GOLD LICK CITY HALL" "Leather, red, leather." "Yellow, leather, red, yellow." "Red, leather, yellow, leather..." " My foot!" " Pardon me there..." "Excuse me, Cooper." "Boy, this is exciting, huh?" "You think they're gonna give the key to the city?" " I doubt it." " How about the key to your place?" "I'm sorry, we haven't met." "I'm Kelly Graham." "Graham, voilà!" "Bet all the boys go cracker over you!" "That was funny." "When I was six." "Well, I was six once." "Hey, we already have something in common." "Oh, heck, I'm..." "I'm Bruce." " Bruce Campbell." " Yes, I'm well aware of that." "Jeff's been bragging about you for years." " Uber fan's connected to you, huh?" " I'm afraid so." "Younger brother?" " Son." " Young mother!" " It's a country life." " Oh, hey a milf is a milf." "But I don't see a wedding ring." "Are you married or happy, Kelly Graham?" "I'm not sure I'm comfortable answering that." " Mr. Campbell, if you're ready?" " Yeah, knock yourself out, chief!" " Show time, huh?" " Mr. Trepping, let's start the slide show." "As we all know, Gold Lick is a mining community." "In the late 1850's hundreds of Chinese immigrants - came to our shores to help work the claims." "At her height, the Triple T mine employed hundreds of Chinese immigrant laborers." "They worked long hours in primitive conditions, - surviving on rise and bean curd." "Then disaster strike." "You want disaster?" "Anyone here seen a Assault on Dome 4?" " Don't answer that." " A mine shaft cave in." "Over a 100 Chinese were buried alive, - and remain there today." "Gold Lick has never been the same since." "That guy's pretty good." "Did he come from dinner theatre?" "No, Iowa." "They go all the trouble to kidnap somebody, " "I'd kidnap that Jake character for Evil Dead 2." "My money bet on that blacksmith from Army of Darkness." " Now, that one stud!" " You're damn straight." "I wish I could quit you." "Soon after rumors begin to spread of a curse." "Okay!" "When did my ex-wife start modelling?" " No, that's it." "That's the thing." " Legend has it, - that the Chinese demon was summoned - to protect the spirits of all those who had died." "A warning." "He who would confront Guan-Di, - would also confront death itself." " Well, hello Mr. Plot Point." " His name is Wing." "He's one of the last surviving descendents of the dead laborers." "Guan-Di has been unleashed from his grave." "I'm sorry, was that "unreached"?" "Unleashed!" "Unleashed!" "What's the matter?" "Don't you speak English?" "Guan-Di great warrior." "Guan-Di protector of dead, - savior of the innocent and - the bean curd." "Bean curd?" "Bean curd a popular Chinese dish." "You " "You chatter like monkey." "I call you Chattering Monkey!" "His grave has been disturbed." "And Guan-Di will not stop until every last relative of the one who did this - are rotting in the earth." "What could be so bad about that?" "Okay, blood relatives, raise your hands." "Guan-Di knows that you and I are not related, right?" "I shall do an ancient Chinese dance which will free you all - of the curse of Guan-Di." "Has it been dispelled?" "No?" "Okay, you're all going to die." "But know this:" "Guan-Di goes stronger with every person he kills." "Until all of you will die!" "Will die!" "He's gone!" "No, actually he's- he's right..." "Well folks it-it-it- it looks like the presentation is over." "Just be careful on you way home." "And- and look out for your neighbors." "Well, that was exciting." "As you can see, Mr. Campbell, the future of Gold Lick rest in your hands." "We sure appreciate your being here." "We're thinking, you might wanna freshen up   and get a bite to eat before you lead us in the battle." " That's a good idea." "because I always freshen up before I go in the battle and kill monsters." " You don't wanna leave a bad impression." " Lordy, you're good people." " You're welcome to wash up at my tavern." " That's good because   as you can see, I'm a dirty little boy." " I got a nice little place upstairs." "You can wait there until dinner." "No one will hassle you, or anything." "If you insist, Jeff." "I'd say the only thing missing is a stool sample." " I guess I'm kind of a fan." " Yeah, do you think?" " That's not familiar." " Hey, that's personal!" "Look, Mr. Campbell." "I fixed you up a room back here." "I gave you some fresh towels and clothes and..." "Look, I know this is a big imposition for you, so..." "What ever I can do to make you feel at home, just let me know, okay?" "First of all, kid..." "Mr. Campbell makes soup." "My name is Bruce." "Secondly, you wanna get on my good side, - you'll dig up a bar of soap and a bottle of Jack." "And not in that order." "Nothing like a shower to wash the blues away." "Jeff, where in the heck did you find this Evil Dead shampoo?" "Bruce, that's drain cleaner." "Maybe that would explain the burning sensation..." "What?" "It's just that you're going up against Guan-Di, and you're not even scared." "You don't know fear, kid." "You've never worked with Sam Raimi." "Compared to most Hellspawn this Guan-Di cat's no biggie." "Really?" "You know, in the hero business, you only have to remember two things." "One: most monsters are just a guy in a rubber suit." "Two: you can't fight a guy in a rubber suit on an empty stomach." "So this particular hero needs some food and some drink." "Mr. Campbell!" " Pick your poison, Mr. Campbell." " Oh, I hardly ever touch the stuff." " It's on the house." " In that case I take a Slow Screw   against the wall, and make it a double." " Maybe this is all a big joke to you, - but Jeff has talked whole town to thinking you're gonna save us from Quan-Di." " Yeah, and?" " As far as I can tell, you're pretty much full of shit." "Sounds to me like you're wondering from the script, sister." "Didn't you read the fine print:" ""Never piss of the hero."" " Kelly's been known to speak her mind." " Sounds to me like she needs to be recast." " She ad lib's to much." " Walk with me, Mr. Campbell." "If I wanted to take shit from a bunch of bogus actors, " " I'd go back to LA." "Get that out of my face!" " Sure, I understand, Mr. Campbell." "But, you see, Kelly's been through a rough patch." "Her whining, cheating, boozing husband left her and Jeff in a lurch, - and she just hasn't been herself lately." "Go ahead, and have a seat!" "We're gonna treat you so many ways, you bound to like one." " We appreciate you being here." " You could've spell my name right." "Hey, Kelly." "Like it or not, that man is our salvation." "Good gravy, you got to play ball!" "He's talking like he's crazy, like none of this is real!" "Great war heroes are often on a different plane than you and I." "Service, please!" "Eccentricity is often the brother to greatness." "And obnoxiousness is often the brother of a black eye!" "I admit, he's a bit of an odd dog." "But hopefully he'll be gone lickety-split   and we can get back to our normal life." " I just hope you're right." "Could it possibly get worse?" "May I have another sandwich parilla?" "Ding-ding, game's all up, buddy!" "For crying out loud..." "Hey, sometime today, Big Ray!" "Hey, you old ball sack, I've been honking' for ya!" "I want some gas!" "Oh, I got you!" "You're still upset about your little sister Wanda." "Well, truth is, it was late, - she was lonely and I was using a wrong head!" "Head!" "Head!" "Head!" "Can't a guy get something to eat around here?" "Time for some dancing." "How rude!" "Ma'am, may I have this dance?" " Do you believe in reincarnation?" " Why?" "'Cause it's not gonna happen in this life time!" "Well, there's a cold wind blowing in Cold Lick tonight..." "What's the matter?" "Can't you take a joke, mister Actor Boy?" "I'd love to dance with you." " Do you really mean that?" " Like my life depended on it." "I gotta warn you, I'm not a very good dancer." "Oh, I bet you all country girls say the same thing." "Come on, show me some stuff." "Sorry, sorry..." "You weren't kidding." "You really suck." " Let's see how the city boy fares." " All right." "Around we go!" "Watch this..." "You all right, honey?" "I've heard of break dancing, but this is ridiculous." " I hope, you're better actor than you're a dancer." " Obviously, " " I have no idea what I'm doing." " Maybe we should try something... together." "You better lead." "Okay!" "Now we're getting somewhere!" "Hey, everybody!" "We're dancing!" "Hey lady, ten cents a ride, no exceptions." " Hey, what was that?" " Nothing." " Oh, no." "Corners of your mouth turned up at the edges." "There's old an Indian saying for that phenomenon." ""Kahu-ta-ei-smiley"." "That's Cherokee for:" ""She who smiles at one, she no longer continues to hate."" "Shut up and dance!" "Well, I don't know about you, but I could use some fresh air." " Me too." "And just fresh air." " Of course." "Even after everything that's happened..." "God I love this place." "I grew up in a town just like it." "Little Place in Michigan." " Ever heard of it?" " Michigan?" " No, Little Place." "It's just north of Flint." " Sounds nice." " Made my first movie there when I was still in High School." " Really?" "Oh, we were young and naive, and we wanted to make a movie - that represented our hopes and dreams..." " What was that called?" " Blade of The Skull Ripper." " That's when I got the acting bug." " You've come a long way since then." "You haven't seen much of my recent stuff, I guess." "Believe it or not, Jeff has shown me a couple." "I don't know about the plots, but..." " You're usually pretty good in them." " You really mean that?" "I wouldn't say, if I didn't." "You're just full of surprises, aren't you, Kelly Graham?" "Well, here's one for you." "I actually think..." "I'm a little shy." " That's why I come on so strong." " I came on kinda strong myself." " It's not easy for me to..." " Yes?" "Express my... true feelings." "You wanna move that hand?" " Yeah." "Sorry about that." " Well, I'll let it slide." "This time." "Mr. Campbell?" " Sure, Mr. Mayor." "Just give me five minutes." " It's time." "For the love of God, I can smell her ChapStick!" "I'm so gonna take a rain check." "All right, come on!" "All right, small town America." "Show me what you've got." "No matter which way you wanna go, Mr. Campbell, " " I think we've got you covered." " All right." "You might wanna slip this little Beretta .22 into your pocket?" "It's for that close range, last minute desperation stuff." " What's your name?" " Frank." "Frank, nice gun." "For a girl." " You wanna step it up a bit, do ya?" " Hello!" "There's .45." "Long slide, widow maker." " I think it'd be just right for ya." " Close, Frank, but no cigar." " World of secrecy you want?" " Duh!" "There's Marlin 336." "Shoot a pig's eye off from a 1 000 yards." "And who wouldn't wanna do that?" " Frank, you're holding out on me." "Come on." " Well, then again..." " If you're taking out the Chinese God of war..." " And we are." "Wrap you hands around this Parker 12 gauge double barrel beauty." "That's for people that don't call 911." "I think we get the idea, Frank, and thanks for that, - but I'd be willing to wager that Mr. Campbell is more than capable of - telling us which weapon should be used under the circumstances." " Of course." "I'm sorry, Mr. Campbell." " That's okay." "Go ahead Mr. Campbell." "Tell us exactly what we need." "Don't you think Frank really... said it all with the guns and everything..." "Of course for personal protection, you may have never heard of this gun..." "I always use a..." "It's permanent press." "But I can see that you - obviously don't have that gun here, so..." "I'll just have to limp along with this..." " .31" "long bow. - .45" "long slide." " Long slide, like I said, so..." "Come on Gold Lick, get your guns!" "Gimme a big one!" " One at the time!" " Bruce, can I show you something?" "We've got you covered." "All right!" "My goodness, Jake..." "Now we can slide off to San Francisco." "And I'm riding shotgun." "I thought you might wanna use this." "I had it made special." "Bricks 'n striding'." "Two stroke." "The half inch claw." " What do you think?" " Wow!" "It's really something." "You know Jeff..." "I've gotten lot of use out of chainsaws over the years." "Killed a lot of zombies." "Saved a lot of lifes." "But at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, - they're just too damn heavy!" "So..." "Thanks just the same, kid." "See you out there." "Yeah..." "Don't be late!" "All right!" "You guys ready for some violence?" " Yeah!" " That's right!" " Sure you're ready for this, Bruce?" " Kid, I've made a movie in Bulgaria." "I'm ready for anything." "Put yourself on ice, sugar lips." "'Cause when I come back " "I'm gonna lay claim to the prettiest pair of green eyes I've ever seen!" " Let's do it!" " Be careful!" "And my eyes are brown!" "Dumbshit!" "All right folks, listen up." "It could get ugly out there tonight." "Real ugly." "So if something happens and you don't think you're gonna make it, - just remember this:" "Even though you don't have a medical insurance, - emergency rooms are mandated by a federal law to treat critically injured patients, so..." "Techically, you got nothing to worry about." "Beside from that:" "Bruce Campbell's got your back." "Now, come on Gold Lick." "Let's kick some Guan-Di butt!" "Yeah, this is Henderson crossing old state road." "No sign of the demon, over." " Oh, my God, Henderson!" "He's right behind you!" " Where?" " Oh, Jesus!" " Just kidding, chief." "That ain't funny!" "Jeff, after this is over, I gotta meet your sound guy." " We don't have a sound guy." " We're gonna try to smoke him out!" " He's got a sword, over!" " Stay to courage, Chicken Little." " He's a big sucker!" " What'd you expect?" "He's Chinese God of war." "Oh, no!" "He spotted me!" "He's coming before me!" "No." "No!" "Give it a rest, Shatner." "Bruce?" "Let's do something?" " What the fuck is that?" " It's Guan-Di!" " You mean the son of a bitch is real?" " Shouldn't we shoot it?" "No!" "Retreat!" " Bruce, where are you going?" " Shoot him!" "Shoot him!" "Daddy?" "Daddy?" " My ear!" " Stop shooting!" "Stop shooting!" "Keys!" "Keys!" "Come on it's the country!" "Don't you keep your fucking keys in your trucks?" "Coil where... to the ignition." "What could possibly go wrong?" "Man!" "That always worked in the movies." "Gimme that!" "Thank you!" "Give me back my bike, you old prick!" "And McHale's Navy sucked!" "Young man, are you all right?" "Lady, you've gotta give a ride out of here, right now!" "I'm sorry, but there's no room." "Oh, yes there is." "Get out of there!" "Get out of there!" "Get out of here!" "Oh, my kitty... my kitty cat!" "You horrible man!" "And you were the worst thing about Moontrap!" "Yeah! "Come to Gold Lick."" ""Help us fight a monster." What the hell were they thinking?" "Now this supernatural son of a bitch is after me!" "Oh, man..." "I've gotta blow this pop stand fast!" "I'm so screwed!" "Oh, that cheapskate old lady." "Hey, guys!" " I need a car." "Pronto!" " Hey, ain't you that   demon-fighting-son-of-a-bitch?" " Yeah, I am..." "I came back 'cause I needed some garbage bags and shovels, 'cause we..." "We killed" " Hold that thought, guys!" "Nice talking to you!" "Suckers!" "You won't have me to kick around any more!" "You can take this little crappy ass town, and shove it right up" " Bruce!" " Yeah?" " Where's Jeff?" " You just left him out there?" " It depends - what the definition of "out there" is." "Lady, you never told me that this monster was real!" "Shoelace!" "There he is!" "Stop that truck!" "Bastard!" "Mom!" "Where's Bruce?" "Stop that truck!" "He's just a damn coward!" "Ennore been here five year." "Nobody die." "Now, everybody die." "Nobody else better die." "I got a half of the winter to the wage." "Bullshit." "There's some crazy shit going down in this town." "What are gonna do with that?" "With flashing red eyes and a flowing white beard - everyone knew he was a God to be feared." "Guan-Di is his name." "Guan-Di is his name." "Guan-you, Guan-me, Guan-Di." "Guan-Di is his name." "Cute little Sam 'n Rob." "Least I still have you." "Come here boy!" "Come on!" "Son of a bitch!" "Maybe I feel better after breakfast." "Most important meal of the day." "This is Bruce Campbell, actor extraordinaire." "If you're young, female and not currently incarcerated - page me at *998." "Otherwise, leave a message after the tune." " Bruce, it's Cheryl." " Cheryl?" "There's something I've been meaning to tell you." "Something that's been weighing on me ever since our divorce." " Of course I'll forgive you!" " It's the alimony payment." "It's just not cutting it." "So my lawyers filed a motion to have it increased." "Along with the fresh restraining order." "So, don't even try to - returning this call, you fuckhead!" "Oh, you heartless Hellspawn." "Get the fuck out of here!" "Sleep with the scorpions, bitch!" "Who does she think she is?" "Thinks I'm some low budget, two-bit actor." "I'll tell you what..." ""From the desk of Mills Toddner." "Pack your bags, baby." "Back to back in Bulgaria."" "Cavealien 3." "And 4." "Oh, no." "No!" "No!" "Hang on a second!" "What the hell do you want?" "I'm busy." "Hey, I'm Kasey, the famous singing prostitute." "I'm here to offer birthday greetings and wish you lots of luck." "And if you're really, really lucky, I even toss in a free" "Who sent you?" ""Your fan and agent, Mills Toddner." "Here's some birthday sugar, baby."" "That's it?" "That was my special gift?" "A woman?" "Actually, I'm only half way through my transgender surgery, so technically..." "For the love of God!" "Just stop." " Campbell residence." " Bruce, it's Jeff." "You little bastard." "You're the one who dragged me into this nightmare." "Now, what are you calling to chew my ass out for taking a powder?" "No, I..." " I just wanted to thank you." " Thank me?" "For what?" "For teaching me the meaning of courage." " I ran like cheap mascara." " That's just it!" "When I was trying to dodge my responsibilities by dumping them on you, - you showed my I have to face this thing on my own." "Yeah!" "Glad you learned the error of your ways, kid." "I'm the one who unleashed Guan-Di." "It's up to me to kill him." "You're gonna take on to sure that fuckhead solo?" "Thank you, Mr. Campbell." "All I needed was a push." "No, no, no!" "Kid, kid!" " Son of a..." " Boyfriend troubles?" "No." "Stupid kid's gonna get himself killed!" "What do I care?" "I got problems of my own!" " Who are you?" " I'm your good nature, Bruce." "Now you heed my warning." "If Jeff goes up against Guan-Di all by himself..." "Oh, he'll be cut to ribbons." "You've got to help a dear boy." "Don't listen to him." "He's an asshole!" " Fuck 'em!" "Nobody lives forever!" " How can say such a thing?" " You awful Devil!" " I got some for you right here, Angel!" "Bruce, you've got to help Jeff." "He's your biggest fan!" "Get off over me, freaks!" "You, nurse Ratched." " How would you like to make a 100 bucks?" " Story of my life." " No, no, I need a ride." " That's why I'm here." "In your car." " Kinky!" " No, I need a ride to a town called Gold Lick." "I need to kill me a Guan-Di." " Keep away from him honey!" " All right, stay here." "Try not to blow anybody till I get back." "Hey, Kelly." "Why don't you go home?" "Go find yourself some fake Hollywood girl, - 'cause you and me were never real." "Kelly, please..." "I'm not one of those shallow sex machines like all those other Hollywood types." "Hey, mister you still owe me a hundred bucks!" "And we still have to have sex!" "Would you excuse me for just a second?" "For the love of God!" "Just take the money and go." "I'll take a rain check on exsay a little atterlay." "What ever dude." "Kelly, look." "We don't have much time..." " Hey, that's all my stuff!" " Well, " "Jeff asked me to purge his loft." " It was my pleasure." " Oh, sweet Jesus!" "That's a limited edition!" "Anymore where that came from." "Are you still here?" "Don't you have a bad movie to make?" "Listen, I know I let you down." "And I'm sorry." "But the callow movie star who came into your life yesterday - is not the same man who's standing here today." "It took the faith of a teenager and the decency of a good woman to open my eyes." "Believe me, in the last 24 hours I've learn a lot about - decency, respect." "Even..." "Love." "A man isn't much of anything unless he can learn from his mistakes - and make 'em right, so..." "Look, I'm to say I'm sorry." "But more importantly, I wanna make it right." "So, I'm not asking you for second change, Kelly." "I'm beggin' here." "Maybe it doesn't make much sense, - because we don't know each other, but..." "I think I..." " I think I..." " Move the hand." "Sure." "Well, even if we're over, at least help me rescue Jeff." " What, Jeff needs to be rescued?" " He's gone after Guan-Di." " I thought you knew." " Oh, my God!" "Wait!" "Okay..." "Maybe this was a bad idea." "Okay, this is definitely a bad idea." "Big ass, self-obsessed movie star!" " Haven't you ever heard of a telephone?" " Look, I'm not self-obsessed." "You really think I have a big ass?" "Do you even know where we're going?" "Jeff's friends were killed outside that old Chinese graveyard." "I'm guessing that's where they went." " Move the hand!" " Okay, okay!" "My God..." "Jeff!" "Jeff?" "He's not in there!" "If he has any sense, he's propably hightailing back to town." "If he'd had any sense he'd wouldn't called you." "Stand back, Kell." "Mr. Winchester is itching for some action." "What?" "Where am I..." "Hey, you big son of a bitch!" "Pick on somebody your own size!" "Jeff, come on!" " Are you okay, baby?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I'm okay in a scared to death kinda way." "Okay, here's the deal." "I'm gonna stall the one turn one time - which should give you maybe - 30 seconds to find a way to stop him, before he - rips my head off and shoves in face, so..." " Better get busy." " Bruce." " Yes, Kelly?" " Before you go..." "You'll need ammo." "I knew that." "Okay, Jeff, you know this stuff way better than I do." " How do we stop it?" " Okay..." "Hollywood writers have spent countless hours - writing stories about defeating monsters." "There's gotta be something we can use in here." "Hey, stay where I can see you!" "Okay Doofus, here I am!" "How we're doing team?" "Bruce, I think this might work." "Where's the nearest oceanic oil drilling platform?" "About 1 000 miles away." " Do we have any abandoned steel mills of giant vats of molten metal?" " Come on!" "How about extensive mine shafts systems of cannibal bats   underneath the active volcanoes?" " You've gotta be shitting me." "PROTECTED FOR THOSE WHO DIED BEWARE THOSE WITHOUT BEAN CURD" "Died..." "Release." "You can't bowl for shit!" "You should go back to dig." " Hello." " Hello." "You here for me?" "No, this!" "My mess." "Thank you." "You trick me!" "An island full of giant mutated gorillas?" "Wait, no." "You died now." "Hollywood writers spend all day in dark rooms by themselves." "They have no concept of reality whatsoever, so..." "You'd better think of something else, and pretty damn fast!" "Bruce!" "The sign." "He's also the protector of bean curd." "I'll be a horse's ass!" "Pardon me, big guy." "Nice to know that tofu really is good for your health." " Here he is." " Hey lady!" "Forget you?" "Give me back my bean curd!" "Afraid of Wing?" "Wing powerful." "More powerful than Guan-Di, - who is Wing's servant and must listen to anything Wing say." "Right Guan-Di?" "Bean curd?" " Hey, that gives me an idea." " Yeah, what?" "Look, I know I'm throwing a real Hail Mary here." "But do you got any dynamite in this truck?" "Of course I don't have any dynamite." "What kind of freak..." " I do." " What?" "Bruce, I got dynamite, wire and a plunger." "What, I was going up against Guan-Di, mom." "I brought all kinds of shit." " I mean "stuff"." " Good, you get the dynamite." " Meet me at the entrance of the mine shaft." " You're gonna use yourself as bait?" "Well, yes and no." "We're gonna get a little help from my friend here." "When Guan-Di spots my ass on his doorstep, he's gonna go totally Pearl Harbor." "That's when we drop the mountain on his demon ass." " Sounds little risky." " You're telling me?" "This is our only standee." "When hairy carry Larry takes a dirt nap, we take this sacred amulet - you know, the entire reason why we're here - we put it right back where it belongs." "That way we can all get back to - our normal, miserable lifes." "Well, this is it." "I'll keep him away from entrance until you give the signal." "Now, look..." "No matter which way this goes, I want you both to know one thing." "I'll never forgive you for dragging me out here." "Okay, it's just you and me, Top Ramen." "You're the protector of bean curd." "Get busy!" "Nice catch!" "Half grounder!" "That's gonna mean some extra runts." "Another one!" " Oh, bad hap." " Almost ready!" " Let's go, mom." " We're ready!" "Just walking along..." "Minding my own business..." "Look, a mine shaft!" "Hey asshole!" "Go fuck yourself!" "Wait, wait." "Let him go all the way in." " He's not buying it." " That's weird." "I approved that likeness." " Bruce, what do we do?" " Looks like we're gonna have to do this the old fashion way." " Mano a monster." " But that's suicide!" "Only if I die, kid." "Wish me luck." " Bruce?" " Yes?" "For luck." " You wanna move that hand?" " That's not my hand." " Okay Jeff, do it!" "Now!" " Mom, I can't!" "Not the face!" "Not the face!" " It is Bruce Campbell!" " I know how much he means to you." "How much he means to all the audiences across the world." "How much he means to me..." "But look, - you gotta just think of one question right now:" "What would Bruce Campbell do?" " Run away?" " No!" "I can't believe he's gone." "Stay there." "Bruce!" "Well..." "I'm glad that's over." " Jeff, I'd just have one request." " Anything, Bruce." "Next time you unleash an ancient demon..." "Call that Buffy chick." "Stop, stop!" "What's the problem, Bruce?" "Look, I'm sorry." "But these shock endings are rip off." "We just killed the creature like 30 seconds ago, and now it's back?" "The fans deserve better." "And come on, for once - could we please have a happy ending to a horror film?" " Yeah." "A happy ending is a great..." " I'll think about it." "Think about it though." "Oh, I never knew life could be so swell." "Once you'd made love the Bruce Campbell way, you never go back." "Father, Mother!" "I've just been accepted to Harvard." "I told you that C average was nothing to worry about." "Group hug!" " Are you happy?" "Are you happy?" " Oh, yes!" " We're all happy." " One big happy family!" "Wow!" "Now I ask you:" "What could be a better ending than that?" "Oh, my God!" "HAIL TO THE KING!"