"Dr. Katz?" "Yeah?" "Um, it's probably a mix-up, but you got a message inviting you to speak at an adult education class next week." "Really?" "Yeah." "They asked you to send a recent article so that the class could familiarize themselves with your work." "Huh, that sounds..." "I mean, there has to be dozens of Dr. Katzes in the phone book, so the odds are pretty..." "No, I don't think it's a mix-up, Laura." "I think that somebody is..." "Out there is familiar with my work and is interested in hearing what I have to say." "I'm not surprised." "In fact, I'm pleased." "Well, I didn't realize that you had theories." "Well, of course I have theories." "Well, what kind of theories?" "Well, you know, over the years," "I've put forth many different theories on a vast range of subjects." "But, you know, to describe to a layperson, such as yourself." "What about the "recent article" part of the invitation?" "Well, see recent in this field really means post-Freud, and for your information, young lady, my work has been published all over the world in seven different languages." "Well, would you like to fax them an article?" "Well, unfortunately, English is not one of them." "Oh." "But you must be very, very happy about this development." "We're... you know, we're very excited." "'Cause we had tried for almost three years before my wife finally got pregnant." "And I'll tell you, those were the best three years of my life." "It was funny, when she was first pregnant," "I didn't realize." "I mean, she wasn't feeling well, and I didn't think anything of it, and then she started throwing up every morning and putting on weight." "And then it occurred to me, she's got a drinking problem." "Hmm!" "We had that ultrasound done, so we knew we were going to have a little boy..." "Um, or a little girl with a penis." "Hmm." "But we're very excited, especially... a year ago, my wife and I, we were told that we were unable to have children..." "By our landlord." "It turns out he was completely mistaken." "But this kid is..." "He's up all night." "He's either got a bottle in his mouth, or he's throwing up." "It's like living with a nine-pound college student." "We are kind of worried about how we're going to pay for his college tuition." "We're kind of hoping he becomes a plumber." "Yeah." "We've been trying to encourage him." "We've been pulling his diapers down low, so he gets used to having his little butt crack showing." "Uh-huh." "About a week before he was born, we went to buy a baby carriage, and the really nice baby carriages." "Were $400 or $500." "So that's when we decided to have an indoor baby." "We've been clipping his nails." "And keeping him in the house." "Yeah, well, Brian, let's just try to relax." "And just let your mind go back to your childhood." "You're little... there must be some good memories there." "Well, I remember on my seventh birthday, my mother dropped my birthday cake..." "Mm-hmm." "And the kitchen caught on fire..." "Yeah." "And she had put those trick candles on the cake, so the fire department had to keep coming back to put the fires out." "Mm-hmm." "I had a lemonade stand for about six weeks." "Yeah." "I made no money." "I had to burn it down and collect the insurance." "Sure." "I used to play doctor..." "Yeah." "With this little girl in my neighborhood all the time, and one time we got caught." "But, luckily, it was a Wednesday, and we were just playing golf." "Mm-hmm." "We had a little dog, patches." "Yeah." "We called him Patches 'cause he was always trying to quit smoking." "In a recent study, using a fairly broad cross-section..." "Hey, dad?" "Dad?" "One second, Ben." "Of the..." "Yeah, dad." "Seriously, dad, can you..." "Can you take it down a notch?" "Can you keep it down?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Ben." "I didn't realize you were..." "Yeah, I'm taking notes on the TV guide here, so I just..." "I'm trying to concentrate." "Oh, forgive me." "Yeah." "I just want the best possible scenario for tonight's viewing pleasure so..." "Oh, please." "To me, it's like a puzzle, dad, you know." "And I take the pieces, I put it together, and I see what I'm going to watch..." "Do you think this is a good use of your time?" "Well, you know," "I got a full hour and a half before prime time starts, so this is the time I can prepare." "I don't think it's..." "Well, go ahead." "You do what you got to do, Ben." "It's an outline, dad, you know?" "Yeah." "What are you doing?" "I'm actually working on a talk I'm giving." "I'm making some notes." "I'm giving a talk next week at the adult ed school downtown." "You're giving a..." "Like a lecture, really." "You know, about a theory." "About a theory?" "Well, they asked me to talk about theoretical work I've done, and..." "Dad..." "So I'm just putting together a little..." "Don't you think at your age, dad, that you don't have time for theories anymore, hmm?" "No, not like that..." "I think it's time to start having sure things, huh?" "Are you getting paid?" "I'm getting a small stipend." "Yeah." "A small stipend?" "What is that?" "Uh, it's like a suspender?" "Oh, okay, good." "No, I don't know what a stipend is, but that's the expression they used..." "Really?" "And I didn't want to start haggling over a thing..." "Well, maybe you should know what it is." "To be honest, you should hold out." "For maybe..." "For a bigger stipend." "Well, where would we keep it?" "This might be convenient for us." "That's true." "And that's the thing, Ben." "It's not just the fact that I'm going to be talking publicly, but it's sort of forced the issue." "I've really..." "I think I have a great theory, and I'm going to..." "You have a new theory?" "A new theory about human intelligence, Ben." " Human intelligence?" " Yes." "Jeez, that's a whole new concept, huh?" "Well, there's a lot of that going around," " Yeah." " And I think..." "If we can harness it," "I think you'd yank that TV guide out of your hand, and, uh..." "I think you've stumbled on something huge, dad..." "Human intelligence." "What about it?" "I mean, what..." "Well, here's how it works." "Human intelligence as we know it..." "And I think you know who I'm talking about..." "Really can be enhanced immediately following a strong emotional experience." "In other words, right after a..." "If someone were to experience anger or profound shame or sorrow..." "Uh-huh." "That their mind would actually be accelerated in a certain area..." "Their ability to solve problems, simple logic, mathematics." "Well, dad, you know that sounds interesting." "And I'm sure if I were in adult education," "I'd be thrilled to hear..." "To a lecture like that." "Well, you know, you could be in adult education." "There's nothing stopping you." "I don't mind education, you know." "You just don't want to hang out with a bunch of grown-ups." "That's exactly right." "Okay, Ben, look." "Yeah." "Okay." "I have three apples." " Yeah." " You have two apples." "I give you one apple." "Do we now have the same number of apples?" "Um..." "Repeat it one more time?" "See, this is why" "I should have sent you to a private school." "No, no, no, repeat..." "I feel like there were too many kids, not enough one-on-one instruction..." "No, it's not that I can't..." "I can figure it out." "It's just that..." "Usually, I would have had things memorized before I was tested." "You should be able to do this just in your mind." "This is a logic game, and I'm not good at..." "Okay, just try to visualize the things I'm talking about." "Okay." "Mm-hmm." "I have three apples." "You have two apples." "I give you one of my apples." "Do we have the same number of apples now?" "You have two left." "That's... that's right." "Mm-hmm." "You gave me one." "How many did I have in the beginning?" "You had two to begin with." "So how many is that?" "That's three." "So how many do I have?" "You have three." "Gotcha." "Now you have three..." "You answered it for me." "Dad, what do you have when you got three apples..." "Yeah." "Two oranges..." "Don't get obsessed." "Some sliced pineapple." "It's not just about fruit." " Okay." " Some cheese?" "A couple pies, and a bottle of chardonnay, what do you have?" "You have a good time, my friend." "All I'm saying is a little human kindness." "Shown toward your patients would go a long way." "So, I mean, it would help because, I mean, after all, this costs me a fortune." "Mm-hmm." "And like, you know, you just take my money, and I never get anything back from you." "I feel like the last few months, in particular, we've made enormous progress." "I don't know..." "You remember when you used to come to the old office?" "Yeah." "You'd walk in, and you would sit down, and you would start crying for 45 minutes, and then the last 10 minutes we'd speak, and you'd go home." "And now..." "And now what?" "You cry a little bit in the beginning, and then you talk, and you cry some more." "You break it up." "You consider that progress?" "I don't consider that progress." "Now you know what it is..." "At least you know what it is that's making you so unhappy." "Yeah?" "What is it?" "You want me to tell you what's making you unhappy?" "What am I paying you for?" "If you can't tell me why I'm miserable, what am I paying you for?" "That's the way therapy works, you know?" "I'm not going to make any incredible discoveries here." "You're going to do all the discovering." "Look, let's look at the facts, okay?" "I've been coming here how many years now?" " Six years." " Six years." "Twice a week for six years." "That's a lot of water under this bridge." "Mm-hmm." "And I still can't seem to have a relationship going with a guy." "Yeah." "Maybe I'm a lesbian." "Did you ever think of that?" "I don't think you've ever presented me." "With that possibility, that I might be a lesbian." "The reason I sort of discounted that theory." "Is your attraction to men, for instance" "I'm not attracted to you." "You never miss the opportunity to point that out, do you, joy?" "No." "I have to tell you, I'm not attracted to you." "Now, truthfully, I have had sex dreams about you over the past three years." "Mm-hmm." "They have been..." "I don't know if you'd call them sex dreams exactly, but, I mean, they're sort of..." "A dream could mean something, it could mean nothing." "That's the other thing about dreams." "You're never always able to attach any significance to these dreams." "One of them was, um, you had..." "Your head again, it was always your head." "Your bald head is sticking out of, like, turtle's body." "Mm-hmm." "And, um, I put you in a big aquarium with other turtles." "Mm-hmm." "And then one of the other turtles bit your head off." "Why do you accuse me of dressing provocatively?" "I think that you..." "You are provocative." "That you try to dress provocatively." "You wear tight shirts..." "Yeah." "Tight pants, tight shoes, tight socks." "So it's just the whole issue of tightness?" "Tightness is provocative to a woman." "I didn't realize that." " Dad." " Ben?" "Hi." "How are you?" "Did I catch you at a bad time?" "No, I'm just... actually just making some notes here." "Oh, man." "Ow." "Working on the, uh..." "I just have..." "I just wanted to..." "What are you doing?" "I just threw out my shoulder." "How'd you that, Ben?" "I tied my hands behind my back, and I fell off the bed, you know, trying to induce some pain." "Ben, you got to be careful." "So I..." "The point is I'm trying to get into this theory pretty heavily now." "I don't want you to hurt yourself." "I mean, this is..." "I'm excited about it." "No, I think some..." "I have come up with something here, though, because I think that when I felt the first rush of pain," "I did feel smarter, but I had no way to prove it." "So, dad, quickly, quickly, I'll..." "I'm going to poke myself." "You ask me a question, and let's see if that works, okay?" " Okay." " All right." "Here we go." "Ow!" "God!" "Ben, where did you poke yourself?" "I missed the hand." "Where did you poke?" "Into the wrist." "So how would you scare yourself?" "Here, hold on a sec, dad." "I'll do this." "Can you stay on the line?" "I'm listening." "Okay, I'm going to put this blanket over my head." " Okay." " Okay?" "Can you hear me?" "I can hear you." "Okay, uh, so go ahead, give me a scare." "Aah!" "Okay." "No, you didn't get me." "It's just..." "Um..." "Hey, dad, you know, I propped up a ladder?" "The ladder that we have in the basement." "Right." "You know it says, "Do not use this side of the ladder." "Do not climb this side"?" "Right, that's a warning." "I climbed it." "You're nuts, Ben." "Yeah?" "I'm not one of these guys that brags about sex." "I hate that." "My neighbor does this to me every day." "He gives me these detailed stories." "About him and his wife from the night before..." "Like I wasn't watching." "My brother always brags about sex." "He always brags the first time he had sex, he was in the seventh grade." "I'm always like, "Yeah, but you were 19 at the time."" "I bought some low-sodium soup, and have you ever had low-sodium soup?" "Yeah." "It needs salt." "Mmm." "Not just a little, I had to keep pounding salt into it." "Finally, I had to put salt there." "On the rim of the bowl." "And drink it like a Margarita." "I bought a box of animal crackers." "Mm-hmm." "It said, "Do not eat if seal is broken."" "And I open it up, and, sure enough, the giraffe was fine." "Mmm." "The implication of limbic involvement..." "Mm-hmm." "Has sent many a scientist..." "Mm-hmm?" "Period." "No, I'm kidding." "Has sent many a scientist down that slippery slope." "Ha, now you're kidding." "No, I'm..." "I mean it." "It's a metaphor for something else." " For what?" " I'm not sure." "The implication..." "Mm-hmm?" "Oh, you know, you start." "To say something enough times, and it sounds... starts to sound crazy to you?" "You know what I mean?" "Yeah." "The implication of limbic involvement..." "Mm-hmm?" "Has sent many a scientist." "Mm-hmm." "Ohh!" "That makes no sense to me anymore." "I don't know what I'm talking about." "You know what, let me get." "A cup of coffee and a breath mint, and we'll start from the top." " Okay." " Okay?" "Yeah." "Do you want to write this time?" "You want to read it to me, and I'll type?" "Sure." "Okay." "Okay." "Oh, yeah." "What Ben said, and this is, I guess, different tricks work for different people, is that the idea is to get up there, and you picture everyone in the audience naked." "Oh." "That's good, but I've refined that." "I found that if you picture them naked, and that they're about to stand up and sing." ""Impossible dream" from Man of la mancha, that adds the extra urgency to it, and you'll find that." "That really will calm you way down." "Well, what is it in particular that scares you?" "Well, honestly, I feel like..." "I feel a little fraudulent, you know." "I don't know if what I have to say is that interesting, or if I can sound like an expert on the subject." "That's the main thing is..." "No, you see what you do is you dazzle them with some big psychoanalytical-type words, and then by the time they catch on to you, uh, poof..." "You're gone." "You can do that, right?" "Sure." "I mean, I guess." "Yeah." "All right, come on, Katz, give me your best shot." "Well, I don't know." "If I could do it off the top of my head." "Sure, you can." "Come on, come on." "Okay." "Um, this is how I'm planning to open." "Go ahead." "The brain is divided into two halves." "Mmm, ooh, that's going to wow them." "Maybe you could say "hemispheres" instead." "You know, maybe that sounds like a little..." "Okay, the brain..." "That's a good idea." "The brain is divided into two hemispheres." "Yeah." "Much better." "Yeah, I like that." ""A" and "B."" "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "That's the theory?" "And from there," "I just launch into the work I've done, the theory part of the theory." "This is very exciting, really." "I think it's going to kill." "Ahem." "First of all, sorry about the..." "My sincere apologies for not having copies of the article for everybody." "My copier is on the Fritz." "But I would like to, uh..." "I'd like to open with a joke." "Ha ha!" "Yeah?" "I'd like to open with a joke now, Ben." "Oh, sorry, yeah." "Uh..." " Keep the flow." " Okay." "But I'm going to take questions." "If anyone wants to ask me about..." "The young man in the back there." "Yes, sir." " Right here, sir." " Yes." " How are you?" " I'm fine." "Ben Katz." "Uh... that's odd." "I have a son by that name." "Same." "Okay, son, what's your question?" "Did you have any help in your research?" "More than help." "I had the superb collaborative efforts of one Benjamin Katz." "That's me." " That's me." " That would be you." "That's right." "Okay." "But any questions for me, then?" "How was that collaboration?" "How did it work out?" "It was a good collaboration." "But I thought..." "I was wondering if you want to ask anything that might enlighten the audience." "Do you think perhaps that I would have a career in something like this?" "I think maybe you could." "Any questions for me though?" "Young lady in the back." "No question?" "Okay, I just want to acknowledge you in some way." "Tell the story when I poked my hand, and you..." "Oh, yeah." "Can I come back to that?" "Okay." "I'll sit down." "So go ahead, dad." "That's okay." "They're leaving, Ben." "You know, a lot of people would consider this good news, getting cast in a play." "I don't know why you're so..." "Well, I'm nervous about it." "Because I have to, like, memorize a lot of lines, and I only have a week to do it." "Yeah." "And I feel like my memory is not what it used to be when I was younger." "I still think this is the wrong place to run lines, you know." "I can't..." "But you're the only person." "That will sit with me this long." "You know, it's just..." "I have all this training, and you're paying this money, you know." "It's just..." "It doesn't seem like the right thing to do." "Well, I don't know if you realize this, but your fee is equivalent to an acting coach's fee." "I'll try it just this once, but I just don't want you to count on this." "I have to learn it, and then I have to go into the show." "Other actors are already, you know, in sync." "And they're doing the play, and I have to just walk in in the middle of it." "And you feel like you'll be on the spot, that they'll..." "What if, like..." "What if I blank out?" "What if, um, I walk the wrong way?" "What if I miss a cue?" "What if you do?" "What is the worst thing that'll happen?" "The audience will think I'm terrible, and the actors will hate me." "And then your life will still continue." "It will?" "Yup." "But what about the humiliation of the moment?" "I hadn't thought of that." "Would it really hurt your feelings tremendously." "If I told you that you have an odor about you?" "I got to tell you, joy, that I am a human being." "I am a therapist, and I try to maintain some air of neutrality here, but I am a person with feelings." "You're making me feel bad." "I was..." "I was like on a roll, and now I have to backtrack and be nice." "The way I have to be with my mother and everybody else." "You don't have to put on any airs." "Oh, god!" "I hate this now!" "I'm sorry, you know what the music means."