"Hey!" "Man." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Yaah!" "God!" "Damn it!" "# Evil women and whiskey" "# Surely drive me to my grave #" "# Evil women and whiskey" "# Will surely drive me to my grave #" "# Wherever I go" "# Trouble seem to follow" "# Wherever I go" "# Trouble seem to follow" "Shit." "What's going on?" "I don't know, man." "Think it just died." "Holy shit." "Come on." "Oh, my God." "What is it?" "It's like angel-hair pasta in here, brother." "Um... here." "Try it now." "Anything?" "Nothing." "Okay." "Oh, this is terrible." "All right." "So..." "Um..." "Why do we even bother to pop the hood?" "I thought I heard something." "Yeah, well, unless there's a flashing neon sign that says, "Here's your problem,"" "what the hell do we know?" "Fuck, that's hot." "Careful." "What you got?" "I got no service." "What about you?" "I hardly get service in the city, let alone the desert." "Yeah, I got nothing, man." "Where the hell are we, anyway?" "Uh... let me see." "Okay." "We, um..." "We passed this dot... about an hour ago." "I think we're in here someplace." "That's like 60 miles back." "Wow." "It's like a hundred miles to the next dot." "What the hell are you doing driving us through the middle of nowhere?" "We're taking the scenic route, remember?" "Yeah, by scenic, I was thinking..." "I don't know, more trees, mountains, people, dots a lot closer together." "By scenic, I meant rarely seen." "I'm gonna get you a dictionary when we get back." "Okay." "Holy shit, it's hot out here, man." "It's gotta be, like, 115 degrees." "I know." "Not even noon!" "No wonder the truck died." "Something probably melted." "Have we even seen any cars?" "Ow." "No, but, uh, it's a road, right?" "I mean, someone'll be along soon." "Well, we got about 20 jelly beans and 6 ounces of melted ice." "That should last us 10 minutes." "Oh, good." "It's pretty." "Yeah." "It's beautiful." "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "What flavor is this?" "Bacon and margarita." "Oh, my God!" "I saved those two just for you." "Tastes like that cake you made with the onions." "Remember that shit?" "Yeah, I remember." "I think that brings your total of veiled references to things I did with Karen up to three, so feel free to stop, please." "You never think about her, man?" "Ever?" "I probably think about her about as much as she thinks about me." "Well, she thinks about you a lot, dude." "I ran into her last week, and, uh, you were all she can talk about." "She said she was floored to hear you had a wife and kid." "Yeah, well, it floors me sometimes, too." "You all right?" "Yeah." "Don't overexert yourself." "I can't believe you got us out of roaming." "Huh?" "Never been out of roaming." "That even possible?" "Where are you going?" "What are you doing?" "I'm gonna go up here and see if I can get a signal." "No!" "Let's sit, and let's wait a few minutes, man." "Well, why?" "I don't know." "We'll hang, and we'll wait for a car." "No, you sit and wait." "I'm gonna go up and check." "Ah, shit." "You remember last time we drove cross-country and we went, like, 200 miles out of the way because we were so into whatever we were talking about?" "Yeah, and now neither one of us can remember what it was." "Might have been when, uh..." "Might have been when you claimed that art can reach a point where its quality became fact rather than opinion." "That sounds like a couple hours of my life" "I'd like to have back." "Or it might have been better defense, '85 Bears or Steel Curtain?" "Ah, that's hardly debatable." "Bears." "Yeah." "Well, there hasn't been much of that this time." "What?" "Pointless conversation?" "Any conversation." "How are things in high finance?" "Ah, put it this way... there's this motivational poster in my office with, like, this eagle soaring out of the sky and shit." "Yeah." "I'll spend some days just staring at it, trying to decide whether or not" "I'm more suicidal or homicidal that day." "Nice!" "So quit." "Quit?" "And do what?" "You ever do that thing when you were in second grade, where you, like, drew a picture of... of what you wanted to be when you were adult, you know?" "Like, I heard that that's the truest reflection of what you really want." "Like, if you're doing what you drew back then, then you're probably really happy." "Yeah?" "And what'd you draw?" "Me?" "I think I drew a fat, unemployed writer, so I'm killing it." "Come on." "Nothing." "So Joanne didn't like your music, huh?" "We just have different tastes." "More likely, she has taste." "Well, I liked it." "Karen liked it." "Would you stop that?" "What, man?" "I mean..." "Joanne didn't like your music, and she made you get rid of your guitars." "I'm just trying to get up to speed here." "No, she didn't make me do anything." "It became clear that I wasn't gonna have a lot of chances to play, so I got rid of the stuff." "You know, she's not a music critic." "She's a receptionist." "She's my wife, Carter, my wife." "I'm just saying." "I know exactly what you're saying, and I'm telling you to stop." "Davey said he saw you guys at the store, but you just kind of walked right on by." "Yeah?" "Well, tell him I say hello." "Why don't you tell him?" "You live less than, like, 10 miles away from the guy." "Yeah, we're pretty busy." "Well, he thinks that your wife hates him." "No." "No?" "She's just not much on gatherings, that's all." "What about your parents' house?" "There's never less than a hundred people there." "Ah, we don't visit very often." "Okay." "Uh, so no Davey, no family." "Sounds like the list of people she does like is kind of short." "I hope you're on it, buddy." "Seriously, would you knock it off?" "You don't even know her." "You're right, man." "I don't know her." "Every time I come to visit you guys, you're too busy." "I'm surprised she let you get away to do this thing with me." "Here we go!" "Here we go!" "Oh, thank God." "Come on." "Here we go." "Whoa." "Wait a minute." "Oh, shit." "Wait." "Wait." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "God damn it!" "Agh!" "Ow!" "God damn it!" "Dude, are you okay?" "Hold up!" "Hold on!" "Shit!" "Hold on!" "Wait." "Wait!" "Hey!" "Wait!" "Hey!" "Hold on!" "Hey!" "Yo." "Whoa." "Whoa." "Hey." "Car trouble?" "Yeah." "We, uh..." "We broke down a few minutes ago." "Well, I-I'm not much good on cars." "I'll give you a lift into town." "That would be great." "Thank you so much." "Just let me grab my bag." "Hey!" "Look, a ride." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Sorry." "Hold on." "We don't need it." "What do you mean we don't need it?" "Sorry, sir." "Nothing to worry about, son." "I" " I'm harmless." "No, it's not..." "No." "I, uh..." "No, it's all right." "It's not that." "It's just that the..." "The truck, it's not broken." "What do you mean it's not broken?" "It's..." "I took a wire out." "It's not a big deal." "What are you talk..." "Um..." "One second." "What are you talking about?" "I thought that we were gonna have some good conversations like the last time, you know?" "But instead I got cellphones and freeways and motels and fucking sports radio." "And, uh, I mean, I tried to get off the beaten path." "You just decided to go to sleep, so I thought this would give us a chance to catch up." "Thank you, sir." "Are you out of your f..." "You sure everything's all right?" "Yes." "Oh, yeah." "I..." "I am definitely sure." "Okay." "Ta-da." "All right, thank you." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Wait." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Put it in." "It's no big deal, man." "Put it in!" "I want to see it start." "It's just a wire." "Sorry about this." "Just give us a second." "It's just a wire, man." "Look." "Okay." "Here." "Happy?" "You boys good?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "I appreciate it." "Have a good day." "Sorry." "Thank you for stopping." "Are you insane?" "!" "Huh?" "You stage a breakdown in the middle of the desert so that we can talk?" "Yeah, and we've had our longest conversation in the whole trip." "I guess that's a coincidence." "I could have broken my neck falling down that goddamn hill." "I told you not go up there." "We could have had a perfectly good talk sitting right here..." "Talk?" "!" "but you had to go up and climb a fricking mountain." "That was not a talk." "That was you stopping us a hundred miles from nowhere so that you could spend a few uninterrupted minutes bashing my wife and job!" "What kind of a ring was it?" "What?" "The engagement ring." "What kind was it?" "What do you mean, what kind?" "Was it a diamond?" "Why does that matter?" "Why won't you answer?" "Fine." "I got her a diamond." "So what?" ""So what?" So you just forgot all about the gumball doctrine?" "The gumball doc..." "Oh, my God." "You gotta be kidding me." "Has nothing happened to you in the last 10 years?" "So you do remember?" "Yeah, I remember it as something cooked up by a couple of losers who had nothing better to do on a Friday night." "Uh-uh." "Uh-uh." "I didn't cook it up." "You did." "You're the one." "You're the one that said that you would never buy an engagement ring that didn't come from a gumball machine." "You're the one that said the poorest people on the planet are hacking off each others' limbs to give you something to spend two months' salary on." "Look, just because you took some conversation we had over beer and macaroni and decided to make it your religion doesn't mean the rest of the world gives a shit." "Okay, fine." "So you gave up on diamonds." "Okay." "Who gives a shit, man?" "You give up on your music, your friends and your family, and for what, the rebound girl?" "Come on." "The rebound girl?" "Yes." "Really?" "Yes, the rebound girl." "I was there." "I saw you and Karen together." "You were insane for the girl." "And..." "And when she left, you know..." "You were messed up." "Okay?" "People get that." "But four months later, and you're engaged to the secretary?" "Listen, take a step back, and see that for what it is." "I fell in love." "You panicked." "Why do you insist on listening to the words you're putting into my mouth rather than the ones I'm actually saying?" "You got a goddamn dog." "So what?" "You're allergic!" "Take a pill." "What's the dog's name?" "Sun..." "Fuck you." "No." "No, "Fuck You"..." "No, "Fuck You," I would believe." ""Fuck You" is exactly the kind of name that you would name a dog." "No, but your dog's name is Sunshine." "Fucking Sunshine." "Are you gonna look at me with a straight face and tell me that your opinion was actually considered in the decision that resulted in an animal you're allergic to being named after a Care Bear?" "Oh, my God, you're right." "I didn't get to name the dog." "My life is a sham." "No, no, let me just get this straight, okay?" "J" " Just for me." "So the love of your life leaves." "Okay?" "And, um, less than a year later, you're married to a secretary who loves dogs and hates your fucking music." "I think it's reasonable at that point to have some doubts, right?" "I think it's reasonable to email your good friend Carter." "You remember that?" ""Hey, what the fuck, man?" "What am I getting into?" "Did I make a mistake?"" "And before I can hit reply, you buy a fucking house!" "That's great!" "I understand." "Right." "Okay, fine." "You're..." "Focus on..." "You want to focus on fucking square footage, rather than the fact that you have nothing in common." "That's okay." "You..." "It's marriage counseling by HGTV." "I get it, man." "I get it." "And now, you know, after all this home improvement, you realize, you know, you haven't improved a goddamn thing." "And now you got no distractions." ""What am I gonna do?"" "Oh, yeah, I forgot." "It's the next chapter in the off-the-shelf life plan you got from Home Depot!" "Right." "Procreate!" "That's the job that's never finished." ""Keep my face down." "Keep my nose to the grindstone. "" "Just focused on the kid, and maybe you can go the rest of your life ignoring the fact that you fucked up, man." "You made a colossal mistake, and you married, literally, the first chick to come along." "What..." "Hey, hey." "Come on." "Come on." "Fucking..." "I'm not saying anything you don't know already." "Just swallow your pride, and you'll see how true it is." "You ever talk about my family like that again," "I will kick the shit out of you." "You hear me?" "Okay." "All right." "Listen, I'm sure that Cole is great." "I'm sure he's the best thing to ever happen to you, but he's not a substitute for loving your wife." "Joanne was right." "You're nothing but a piece of shit." "Okay." "That's okay." "Get in!" "I'll get in when I'm..." "I'll get in when I'm good and fucking ready." "That's when I'll get in." "So it's you and Joanne against the whole world." "That's all right." "That's okay." "You know, you're so scared to admit that you made a mistake, that you just keep on making it over and over and over again." "But that's fine." "That's fine." "You want to keep on believing your own bullshit, we'll get you home, get you back to your perfect little life and your "motivational posters,"" "and you can tune back out and... and try to forget all about the fact that your life is a complete shit hole." "Then maybe, maybe you can call me in 20 years when you've fucking lost your hair and you've come to your senses." "I don't think we'll be talking much anymore." "Whatever." "Stupid motherfucker." "It probably just came loose, man." "Are you insane!" "Calm down!" "Why are you..." "Calm down?" "You want me to calm down?" "!" "You go fucking around with the electrical system in a 30-year-old piece-of-shit truck in the middle of the desert with no food and no water, and I'm supposed to calm down!" "I didn't fuck around with it." "I disabled it, briefly." "You should be thankful that I'm willing to go to these..." "Thankful!" "I should be thankful?" "!" "lengths to try to help you." "Who the fuck are you to be giving me some sort of life intervention, huh?" "You're unemployed!" "You're homeless!" "Yes, and you hate your job, and you have a house that's apparently too small for a guitar!" "This is so typical." "This is so typical." "You're constantly doing something for you and then saying that it's for everybody else." "You don't like my wife, we don't get to hang out anymore, so you want me to get divorced, right, for my own good..." "Yeah." "Because I can do better, but it's all bullshit." "You want me to find somebody you like better." "It's for your own good." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Shit." "I got a good job." "I make good money." "I have a house, a family, and it kills you, because you're a 30-year-old failure who lives in his car." "Right." "So you turn your anger on everybody else and try to make us feel like our achievements aren't worth a shit because we didn't draw a picture of ourselves doing them in the second grade." "You actually think that if I quit, took up music and actually made it, that you'd be happy for me?" "Mm." "Fuck that." "You would be just as blind with jealousy then as you are now." "You'd probably..." "I don't know... run me over with your car-slash-house..." "Probably." "and then tell me that it was for my own good, right?" "Yeah." "This is not about me." "You don't give a shit about me." "This is all about you and how everybody else can accommodate your failure." "Hey, I'm not a failure, okay?" "I could have everything you have and more, but I decided long ago that it would be better to follow my dream rather than try to buy enough shit from fucking Pottery Barn to be comfortable with the idea of being" "a meaningless, lever-pulling, button-pushing cog!" "I was a day away from..." "From law school." "No, no." "We all know the story." "Fuck!" "You took a test." "You blew it away." "You had your choice of schools, but walked away for the sake of art, right?" "Right?" "I followed my dream instead of a paycheck." "Yeah." "No, no, no, no, no." "Enh!" "wrong." "You're a scared and insecure little freak who couldn't get anywhere with writing and so desperately needed somebody to approve of you, to say that you were still intelligent, still capable..." "Come on." "that you took a fricking test." "You know what you should do?" "You should tattoo that test score on your forehead." "That way, when somebody says, "Wait a second." "You live in your car?"" "You can say, "Yeah, but look." "I chose to be a loser, so its okay. "" "You think you've got the rest of us pegged, right?" "You got the rest of us pegged, and it's your job to make sure we all face reality?" "The reality is your writing sucks." "You're not gonna be famous." "You're not gonna sell a book." "You are wasting your time." "You're the one that needs to face facts, pal." "But every time those facts get too close, you just hop in your car, and you run off." "Well, here are the facts." "A 30-year-old loser living in his car is about the last person that I'm gonna be looking to for advice on how to fix my life." "So unless you want to put out a book of don'ts based on all the ways you screwed up, which is the only thing you're ever likely to publish, you should probably just shut the fuck up." "Are you done?" "Fuck!" "Shit." "Shit." "Shit." "Sh..." "Someone'll come along." "You make me sick." "Hot enough for ya?" "They say the nights kill more people than the days." "Okay." "I'm so thirsty." "My tongue feels like a two-by-four." "Here." "Eh..." "Man, finish it." "How long can you go without water?" "Two days?" "I don't know." "It doesn't matter." "I'm going for help in the morning." "Oh, 60 miles is a pretty long walk." "That's only if I don't see a car." "I think I saw some cones on the way in, man." "I don't know." "Hey, I know it..." "I know it doesn't really change anything, but, uh..." "I'm sorry." "It was definitely not your brightest idea." "I mean I'm sorry about what I said." "Are you sure you don't want to apologize for getting us stuck?" "I'm not freezing to death because you insulted my wife." "I'm sorry about the whole goddamn thing." "You really think my writing sucks?" "It's..." "It's not bad." "It's just... all... all your characters get, like, cancer and die." "Don't all get cancer and die." "In that one thing, I'm pretty sure about 75% of the people die..." "That was about an oncologist." "Yeah, and that other one with the woman who was high and her baby crawled out the window." "I mean, it was good writing, but... kind made me want to kill myself." "Look, that shit really happens, all right?" "It's just hard to get the message out if nobody reads the book." "The idea that "I might not have it,"" "it's... it's not news." "It's just that... you go your whole life with everyone yelling at you to follow your dream and then to never give up." "But to be honest, if everyone followed their dreams, we'd just be a planet of pro athletes and... and astronauts." "You know, there's gotta be someone there to clean the toilets, am I right?" "It's like you said, you know." "Sometimes it's better to go after something you care about than to be handed something that you don't, right?" "Really?" "What if my lifelong dream was to be point guard for the Lakers?" "Would you tell me to keep chasing that?" "No." "Exactly." "Because "Never give up"" "looks a hell of a lot better on a coffee mug than it does in real life." "Because failing... daily failing, it's..." "it's just... it's a lonely... miserable business." "Look man, if I thought you should quit, I would say so." "But sometimes, you know, inside all that other stuff, sometimes... you'll say something in just a few words that I realize I've been thinking for years." "And that's not just you reading my mind." "That's you reading a part of it that I never would have known how to express." "Now, that's not just some fat kid with no jump shot." "That's..." "There's something there." "Some of the things you put out there, man..." "I think a lot more of them stick than you realize." "I cheated on Joanne." "Are you kidding me?" "No." "Six months ago at this conference." "Just... just sort of happened." "We're freezing our asses off in the middle of the desert." "You think you're gonna get away with," ""It just sort of happened?"" "It was just..." "It was this woman..." "Girl, really, 21, 22, somebody's intern." "Long brown hair, these long, skinny legs, and she had this huge smile." "And she walks up to me, and she introduces herself, asks what firm I'm with, blah, blah, blah." "And I said, like," ""Listen, if... if you're looking for a job, I'm the wrong guy,"" "and she goes, "No, I just think you look interesting. "" "And she says, "Would you like to have dinner?"" "And I realize that I've had my hands in my pockets this whole time, so she has no idea that I'm even married." "Mm-hmm." "And suddenly I get this feeling, you know, like I told you I get with books and movies, like I..." "I finally had a chance to escape, to be somebody else for a while." "So I go back up to my room, and suddenly I feel this wave of guilt, like the spell breaks, and I start thinking this is crazy." "Then all of a sudden, my phone rings, and it's Joanne." "And I answer, and I say," ""I'm so glad you called," because I was." ""I miss you, and I wish you were here right now. "" "And she says, "Well, I wish I were there right now, too," ""because the disposal's broken again." ""Do you want me to call a repairman," ""or do you want to try and fix it?" ""Oh, and did you ever talk to our neighbor" ""about whether or not they stole our recycling bin?" "Because it's getting a little awkward walking with... "" "And she goes on like this for, like, five minutes." "So when I hung up," "I practically ran to the elevator." "And Annie..." "her name was Annie... we have this whole dinner, and you know what we talked about?" "College football." "Mm." "College football." "No car insurance, no day care, no gossip about other parents I don't even know." "Just simple, effortless conversation." "I've never..." "The first one that I've had in a long time." "Scale of 1 to 10?" "10." "Plus the fact that she was 21, makes her, like, an eleventy-zillion." "Hello." "Don't get me wrong." "Joanne is very attractive." "And this is gonna sound shallow, but... pregnancy is bad for a body." "You know, sometimes I'll catch myself staring at her thighs or belly, and I'll be like... whatever happened to the woman I married, you know?" "You do realize you're the one who made her like that." "I know." "That's why I feel like an asshole even saying this." "I feel like an asshole even thinking it." "And don't get me wrong." "Cole is the best thing that's ever happened to me." "It's just he's the worst thing that ever happened to our sex life." "I used to look at Joanne and just want to jump her, but now I look at her, and sometimes..." "And this is embarrassing, but sometimes" "I have trouble... getting ready for her." "And Annie?" "I could be ready just thinking about her." "I was ready when she asked my name." "I guess when you get married, you're supposed to say that the relationship goes beyond tight thighs and a skinny waist and that, when all that goes, the rest of it will sustain you." "Well, it just isn't phrased that way." "But if... if it was, would you still have married her?" "Yeah, of course, but... you just don't realize how much you'll miss things, you know, little things, like kissing." "Y" " You don't kiss Joanne anymore?" "Yeah, we kiss all the time, but it's habit." "It's like a handshake." "You don't even think about it." "But when Annie kissed me... fuck." "It was like the hairs on the back of my neck stood up." "It's hard to say, but there's more in that first kiss with someone new than there is in the whole shebang after four years." "That's how everything was." "It was just exciting, you know, touching her, taking her clothes off for the first time." "And then the... the rest of the weekend at... at the conference," "I'd be sitting in some stupid speech, and all I could think about was those tiny, little legs and those little black panties, and I just..." "I felt like I was going fucking crazy." "So then, at lunch, I found her... and we blew off the rest of the conference, just blew it off." "Did it four times on Sunday... once an hour before we went to the airport." "Now, you have to understand, if Joanne and I do it four times a month, it's a fucking miracle." "But it's like I knew that it was gonna disappear forever, and I just..." "I couldn't get enough." "And did it disappear forever?" "Yeah, we email sometimes, but... nothing serious." "But every time I see her name in my in-box, it's like my heart doubles up, man." "Are you gonna see her again?" "Why?" "That would just ruin it, you know?" "Everything I felt for Annie, I used to feel for Joanne." "So, what, I just run off with this gorgeous little football fan." "Then what?" "Next thing you know, talking to Annie is like talking to Joanne, kissing Annie is like kissing Joanne." "It's..." "That's just what marriage does." "You asked if I ever mention the music to Joanne." "Well, I have." "Hmm." "I do." "It's like clockwork." "Every couple of months, I'll wake up, freaked out that my life is meaningless." "She'll try on some clothes, have a breakdown, swear she's gonna lose 20 pounds, swears off food." "I swear that I'm gonna turn in my tie for a guitar strap." "We both say, "Good for you, honey." "I'm with you,"" "not believing a single fucking word the other person's saying." "That's the problem with marriage." "You..." "You can't do it without learning to lie to the one person you're supposed to trust." "Can I ask you something?" "What?" "And I don't..." "I don't mean to upset you." "Um... if it's so bad, why don't you get out?" "Let me see your keys." "I told you, I tried a million times." "Just..." "Just let me see 'em." "It's not gonna work, brother." "That's it?" "Two keys?" "Yeah, why?" "Jesus." "Yeah." "It's like you mugged a locksmith." "Yeah, I know." "It's, uh..." "Okay, there's my..." "my house keys." "I got my gym locker." "I've got my toolshed." "I've got my boat keys." "I don't know what the hell that one's for..." "Jesus." "or that one." "I mean, it's like..." "You know when people say they're gonna put down roots?" "Well, that's what it looks like." "Shit." "You know what I always wanted?" "What?" "Mohawk, fucking Mohawk, just like that dude from..." "from "Taxi Driver. "" "Travis Bickle?" "The nutcase?" "Yeah." "Mm-hmm." "But I could never do it." "Why not?" "Well, because my parents would have killed me." "Then when I got to college, I was working." "Then I was working as soon as I got out of college." "Then of course I got married and had a kid, so..." "So?" "So you don't see many responsible parents or functioning members of society with Mohawks." "So?" "So forget about doing something crazy and life-altering like quitting my job or leaving my wife." "I can't even get a haircut anymore without thinking about the keys, and the keys, they don't like Mohawks." "Well, how long do you have to listen to the keys exactly?" "U" " Until you retire?" "Until Cole goes to college?" "Oh, I'll probably be bald by then." "Exactly." "You know, I used to have something on my key chain, but it kept falling off." "Do you know what this is?" "This is a multi-tool." "And do you know what one of the tools is?" "Shing." "Mohawk?" "Dude, put away the multi-tool." "It's not happening." "Why not?" "Because I just told you two pounds of why." "So what, man?" "Nobody's here." "We're freezing our asses off in the middle of the desert." "There's not a soul to stop you." "Whoa." "Mohawk!" "It's not something that I think Cole needs to see, is his old man with a Mohawk." "So what?" "You'll..." "Man, you'll... you'll prove to him that.." "that it's good to be your own man." "What about Joanne?" "Joanne's probably as bored with you as you are of her." "You're probably one Mohawk away from fucking like rabbits." "Okay, well..." "Mohawk!" "Mo..." "Come on." "Just say fuck it, man." "Fuck it." "Fuck the keys." "Do it for you." "Oh, God, you don't..." "You're pulling on it." "Just re..." "Just relax." "Don't be a pussy." "There we go." "Whee." "That's looking good, man." "Here we go." "Ow!" "Yeah, that's gonna leave a mark." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Is it straight?" "It's fairly straight." "Yeah?" "Does it look like Travis Bickle?" "Heh." "You look pretty crazy." "What do you think?" "Oh, no." "Do you love it?" "Yes." "Oh, my God." "I'll give you 100 bucks if you let me come to work with you on Monday." "You don't have $100." "I know!" "I'll sell something." "You gonna sell a book?" "Something of value, like my kidney, maybe." "God." "Oh, my God." "This look is never gonna make it to work." "Oh, come on, man." "This is new Mitch coming through." "Oh, my..." "I can't believe how many times you cut me." "The lacerations will fade, but the memories will last us a lifetime." "Oh, we can't say nothing happened on this trip, huh?" "God." "Yeah." "What?" "Have you ever been this thirsty?" "No." "Really?" "It tastes like water." "Gimme." "Yeah, tastes like water." "It's blue and soapy." "Yeah, well, it's washer fluid." "What do you expect?" "That's horrible." "I don't..." "I don't want any more." "All right." "I don't like it." "Well..." "I" " I'm gonna save mine for tomorrow, in case I have to go for a walk." "Yeah, well, we should pro..." "We should probably get some sleep..." "Yeah." "in case you do, huh?" "Yeah." "Holy shit." "Hold on." "Hello." "Hello?" "Hi." "Oh, God." "Thank you." "Wait." "Hi." "Hi." "Hold on." "Hi." "Hi." "How..." "How are you?" "It's so good to see you." "We had..." "Ow." "Okay, don't go anywhere." "Um, we had a... problem last night." "It's so good to see you." "I'm sorry." "Um, oh, my God." "We had a bit of an issue with the engine." "I guess I tampered with it, or..." "I didn't really dismantle it." "It's fine." "It's all good, but, uh," "God, we were here all night, all day and all night last night." "Maybe you have food or water or something?" "Just..." "Just anything?" "A ride, you know?" "We..." "We'll..." "Wait!" "No!" "Where are you going?" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Oh, God." "What the fuck are you doing?" "!" "I..." "I thought she was gonna take us with her." "She was!" "Until you scared the shit out of her!" "You couldn't wait one minute to get into the car, man?" "Come on!" "I don't..." "I don't know." "I thought she..." "I thought that..." "You look like a goddamn fucking horror movie extra!" "Let's remember why I look like this." "This..." "This was your idea!" "What am I afraid of?" "What can it hurt?" "Well, there you go." "That is exactly why you can't have a Mohawk in the real world." "I gave you a haircut, not a lobotomy." "I don't feel well." "Ahh." "Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I spent a day in the oven and the night in the freezer with nothing but fucking washer fluid in my system!" "I told you not to drink that shit, man." "Oh!" "It tasted like soap!" "Okay, so this is all my fault." "I got us stuck in the desert." "Well, you certainly got us stuck for another 20 hours." "Hey, do me a favor." "If you see any more cars coming, try not to be such a fucking moron!" "This is exactly what happens when you let a homeless person cut your hair!" "Don't worry." "I'm gonna call Joanne for you." "I'll tell her you're just fine, you'll be home soon, but you won't be able to get it up looking at her fat fucking thighs..." "Hey!" "unless you think about your girlfriend Annie." "Hey, You better keep your mouth shut!" "Then maybe she'll give you that divorce you're so scared to ask for." "Then you can give those keys you love so much to Cole's new dad!" "Hey!" "You fucker." "Aah!" "Oh, shit." "Hey." "You son of a bitch." "Hey." "Come here." "Hey!" "Come here!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "You son of a..." "You..." "You just broke my nose!" "Fucking..." "Yaah!" "Damn it." "Hyah!" "Come on!" "Aah!" "Oh, my eye!" "Time-out!" "Are you all right?" "Damn it!" "I think you broke my nose." "Now I'm going to have two casts and a fucking Mohawk." "Hey, quit fucking around, and get up." "Come on." "Get up!" "Carter." "Carter?" "Hey." "Get up!" "C..." "Hey." "Hey!" "Come on." "Come on." "Carter." "Oh, shit." "Oh, man." "I'm so sorry." "Carter, come on, buddy." "Wake up." "Wake up." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Carter, come on, buddy." "Get up." "Get up." "Get up!" "Oh, fuck." "Oh, fuck." "Oh, my God." "H" " Hey..." "Ah, fuck." "What the..." "It's gonna be okay, buddy." "It's gonna be okay." "You know, I was thinking about it, and it's really funny." "We should have thought about it sooner." "We scared that old lady, man." "We scared her." "I mean, look at me, right?" "I'd be scared of me." "I'm..." "I look fucking crazy." "But that's okay." "That's good." "That's very good, because she probably went straight to town and told somebody about it, right?" "She probably went to the first house or store or whatever and was like, "Ohh, you gotta help me." ""Some crazy guy with a crazy haircut tried to get in my car. "" "But I wasn't trying to get in her car." "I was just..." "I was just feeling it, you know." "I was just trying to make sure it wasn't one of those, what, mirages, like in the cartoons, you know?" "But that's okay." "That's good." "That's very good, because she probably told somebody, and they're gonna come out here and check it out." "They're probably sending somebody right now." "They're probably..." "They're probably sending the police." "The police are probably coming right now." "Carter." "Carter, hey," "I think the police are coming." "Carter, I need you to wake up, buddy." "I need you to wake up!" "Carter!" "The police are coming." "The police are coming!" "I need you to help me make them understand how this happened." "Carter, come on!" "Come on!" "Hello!" "Do you hear me?" "'Cause if you don't help me explain, they're not gonna understand, Carter." "Come on!" "You remember my keys?" "Do you remember my keys?" "I got a lot of things to worry about." "Come on, buddy." "Wake up." "Wake up!" "Fucking..." "I am sorry." "Carter?" "Carter." "Holy shit!" "Holy shit!" "You're alive!" "You're alive!" "Carter!" "Oh." "Okay." "J" " Just wait here." "Just..." "You're okay." "You're okay." "You're okay." "You're okay." "Everything's gonna be okay." "All right?" "What's happening?" "You scared the shit out of me!" "That's what's happening." "Ow, my head." "Ohh." "Oh, my God." "Quit it." "I can't believe it." "I have the worst headache I've ever had in my life." "Okay." "All right, well, just..." "Just stay right there, okay?" "We'll get you taken care of." "Oh shit." "Oh, fuck." "Um... is this all mine?" "Yeah." "Yeah, mostly." "Ohh." "Jesus." "What the fuck happened to you, man?" "You." "Wow." "Okay, just..." "Keep breathing." "Breathe in." "Breathe in." "Breathe in." "Okay." "There you go." "All right." "Good job." "Good job." "I hope I don't look as bad as you do." "Let's just say we're tied." "Let's just..." "Um... what the fuck happened to my hand?" "Oh." "Uh, it... looks broken." "Yeah." "It looks really broken." "Yeah." "Look, I'm just..." "Look, it d..." "It doesn't matter, okay?" "I'm just happy that you're alive and okay." "W" " What the fuck happened here?" "W" " We were arguing." "You don't remember?" "No." "It really hurts to think, actually." "Well, then don't." "Just..." "Just sit here." "Rest." "It doesn't matter anyway." "It's over." "Oh, my God." "It's almost dark." "Yeah." "And nobody's come?" "No." "I hoped that lady was going to send somebody, but she, uh..." "Just take it easy." "I" " I'll keep lookout." "Oh, watch out." "Oh, God." "Maybe I just need to..." "No, no." "You stay." "Just stay..." "I just need to sit up for a second." "What the hell is that?" "Uh..." "Well, it..." "What the fuck is that?" "!" "You don't understand." "I thought you were..." "What the fuck is that?" "!" "Listen." "Listen." "Stay back!" "Listen." "Get away from me!" "Come on, Carter." "I thought you were dead." "I thought you were..." "Stay back!" "I..." "I didn't feel a pulse." "I checked your..." "And there was no pulse." "I didn't know what to do." "So you were just gonna fucking bury me in a hole?" "!" "No, no." "It's not like that." "Listen." "Are you fucking crazy?" "!" "We were fighting, and you pulled the knife on me!" "You broke my fucking nose!" "You get the fuck back!" "You bit my fucking cast!" "What was I supposed to do?" "Come on." "Just..." "You tried to fucking kill me!" "I wasn't trying to kill you, buddy." "Just..." "Where you going?" "What are you..." "Stay the fuck back!" "Okay!" "Okay, okay." "Listen..." "I'll kill you." "I didn't know." "I panicked." "I panicked, okay?" "I panicked." "I didn't know what to do." "I wasn't feeling all right." "'Cause I thought you were dead." "You thought I was gonna do it." "Didn't you?" "Didn't you?" "!" "You thought..." "You thought I was gonna do it," "I was gonna fuck up your..." "your perfect little life, and so you were just gonna... gonna bury me, bury me out here in the middle of nowhere." "Your stupid, loner, novelist friend..." "No." "who no one would ever miss." "Hey, hey." "Hey." "I didn't." "You stay the fuck away from me!" "All right." "Where you going?" "Get back!" "Where are you going?" "I'll kill you!" "Okay, I'm..." "I'm sorry." "Don't follow me." "Hey." "I'm..." "Please don't go!" "Carter." "Carter?" "Carter?" "Quit fucking around, man." "You're freaking me out." "Ah, fuck!" "Get out of here!" "Hey, Mitchell." "I'm not well." "It'd be so fucking easy." "I just pull this right across your throat, and I cover you in this hole, Mitchell, and leave you in this godforsaken hellhole forever." "You'd have to be out of your mind." "No." "That happened a while ago... and I still can't do it." "Why are you in the hole?" "Because it's warmer." "We're in here." "You..." "Do you hear something?" "I would have done things differently." "I'd have made changes." "Yeah." "Me, too." "You know, It wasn't that bad of an idea." "It's just we..." "We just didn't do it right." "Well... next time." "There's gotta be something." "Carter." "Carter." "Carter." "Can you walk?" "Look." "I found another dot." "That might not even be a town." "Well, then, what is it?" "It might just be a dot." "Y" " You can't have a dot if there's nothing there, can you?" "I don't know." "Okay look, the sun set over there, so that's west, so we got..." "Never eat shredded wheat." "Okay, so it's..." "I" " It's southwest, so we... we gotta go that way." "What if we get lost?" "Or eaten or... or something?" "Okay, no, w- we use the sun to make sure that we stay in a straight line." "Okay?" "I figure in this condition, we could probably go, like, a mile an hour, okay?" "That's one day to get there." "We should just stay near the road, and then s-someone will come for us." "Okay, we haven't seen a car since that lady." "And what if you're right?" "What if..." "What if this road was closed down like you said?" "I can't..." "I can't keep doing this." "I can't do it." "Look, if we're gonna go out... if we're not gonna make it," "I want to go out trying, all right?" "Okay." "You go." "What?" "You go." "I can't." "Shut the fuck up." "I'm not going without you." "I'll be fine." "No, you're not fine." "You're lying in a fucking hole." "Come on!" "We got three hours until the heat rolls in." "You can do it." "This is our best shot." "I won't make it." "Yes, you will, Carter." "You remember the Grand Canyon?" "Remember that?" "When you tied the rope to me and you pulled me up?" "Mitchell." "Do you remember that?" "I lost a lot of blood, okay?" "You go." "Come on." "Get up." "Get up!" "Come on." "Get up!" "Ow!" "Come on." "Wait." "Wait." "Wait." "Fuck you." "Come on." "Help me up." "Come on." "I'll carry your ass." "Come on." "Come on." "Come here." "What?" "I hear something." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "# I tell her that I loved her #" "# And lived with no regret" "# Oh, Laura" "# You just look away" "# Just look away..." "No!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "# Oh, Laura" "# You just look away" "# Just look away" "# Oh, nothing" "# Will get you to stay" "Forward or backward?" "Hmm." "Hey." "Hey." "Got you something." "I got you something." "Hey." "Hey." "I found something." "Heh." "I saw something." "See?" "Look." "They go to the town, probably." "Oh, my God." "Jesus." "Come on." "We good?" "Yeah." "Let's go." "After you." "All right." "Let's just..." "Is it heavy?" "Yeah." "Heh." "Answer it." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello!" "Ah, you remember Uncle Carter?" "Huh?" "Hey, doggie." "Ha ha." "Hey, what's up?" "How are you, man?" "Oh, I'm good." "Remember Uncle Carter?" "Real good." "Hey, Cole." "Hi." "Hi." "Low five." "This is everything." "Yeah?" "That's it, huh?" "Yeah." "Are you sure about this?" "Hey, Cole." "Yes?" "Why don't you show Uncle Carter his new room, huh?" "Yes." "Yes?" "Good boy, Cole." "All right." "Let's do it." "All right." "Thanks." "You got it." "So is this it?" "This is it." "All right." "All right, buddy, let's go." "There you go." "You ready?" "Are you sure you're okay with this?" "Are you kidding me, man?" "It's the least I can do." "Besides, it'll give me a chance to knock out a big chunk." "Yeah." "I'm proud of you, man." "Well, it's just flowing from me now." "How long is it gonna take you guys to circumnavigate the world?" "Uh, you know, we're gonna stay with the parents for a couple days, and I'm still not entirely sure we're gonna get through that, but if we do, the tickets are open-ended," "so we'll just pick a continent and stay until we get bored or, you know, run out of money." "You know, she's... she's not... what I thought, you know?" "I mean..." "I never really knew." "Yeah, well, she said the same thing about you." "Yeah." "All right, come here, you." "All right, man." "See you." "Be good." "All right." "Be safe." "All right." "All right." "Hello." "Hey." "I wake you?" "No, I just..." "I'm finishing some stuff up." "What's going on?" "Eh, you know," "I just wanted someone to talk to." "I'm feeling... weird." "Has it occurred to you that maybe you need some sleep?" "I guess..." "I thought that I was past the point where I really believed that people could change, you know?" "At least, the point where I thought that I could." "Sounds like a pleasant surprise, no?" "Yeah." "Absolutely, but I'm just not sure I believe it." "Believe what?" "That I'm really doing this." "Well, what exactly is the alternative?" "Well, this is gonna sound a little crazy." "Imagine that." "You called me in the middle of the night with something that sounds a little crazy?" "Part of me believes that... we never made it out of that desert... that we're just lying there, overcome... and this is just all part of our imagination." "I told you this was gonna sound crazy, but..." "And you didn't sell it short." "A" " Are you telling me that you're not at all suspicious that things have gone so smoothly?" "Suspicious?" "No." "I'm stunned, I'm impressed, but I'm not suspicious." "Well, maybe you should be." "I mean, think about it." "Things may be just a little too good to be true, you know what I mean?" "Believe me, if I was making this up, there'd be a lot more lottery winning and supermodeling." "Well, at least convince me that it's probable, you know, that life really can turn on a dime, that you really can..." "I don't know..." "reinvent yourself." "Which is harder to believe, that things are finally going the way you always wanted them to or that the only way it could be this good is if it's all in your head?" "I don't know." "You don't have an opinion on that?" "Well, I don't know about you, but this better be reality for me, because if we're still out in the middle of the desert somewhere," "I just finished an imaginary book." "Wow, that's..." "That's really, really fast." "So tell me how it ends." "Well, that's the funny thi..." "Carter?" "Carter?" "Piece of shit."