"Are you sure it was my turn to buy?" " I bought yesterday." " But I bought the day before." "No, Ponch." "That was Sunday." " So?" " So we weren't on duty." " Then I bought the day before that." " No, that was a holiday." "We were off." "Well, like I said, it was my turn to buy." "Hey, Jon." "See the notice about the bowling tournament?" " Yeah." "Well, what do you say?" "I mean there's gonna be a trophy in it." "It could have your name on it right underneath mine." "I don't know." "I used to work in a bowling alley when I was in high school." "I think I had my fill." "Come on." "I need a partner partner." " You aren't gonna give up, are you?" " No way." "Attention, Ventura Freeway units." "A 211 just occurred at Ratner's Market 1300 White Oak." "Two 211 suspects on motorcycles southbound, Hollywood Freeway, Vermont." " Hey, we were just there." " Let's go." "Hey, I could pull you over and cite you for that." "Hey, Ponch." "It's them." "L.A., 7 Mary 3 and 4 in pursuit possible 211 suspects on eastbound Ventura and Reseda." "10-4, 7 Mary 3." " Off your bikes!" " Now!" "And grab some sky!" "Move." "Over here." "Okay, turn around and take off your helmets." "Male suspects, huh?" "Oh, yeah." " Something funny, ladies?" " No, sir." "L.A., 7 Mary 3." "Pursuit is Code 4, negative on the suspects." "Eastbound Ventura, west of Haskell." " 10-4, 7 Mary 3." " Let me see both your driver's licenses." "Mine too." "Why didn't you pull over?" "We really didn't think you were serious." " Oh, you didn't think we were serious?" " Right." "Don't you know what red flashing lights mean, huh?" "That your pants are on fire?" "You ladies aren't doing anything to help yourselves." "15-40, L.A. There's a hitchhiker, northbound Santa Ana Freeway..." "Kind of cute." "Might start a trend." "Well, what do we have here, a laugh-in?" " Thought they were the suspects, sarge." " Oh, is that right?" " The suspects were male, remember?" " Well, we didn't know they were girls." "How long did it take you to figure that out, Baker?" "We pulled up behind them and they had their helmets on." "Hey, Frank, I like your underwear." "How did that happen?" "A guy flipped a cigarette out of the car window and it landed on my lap." " And..." " Come on." "I would like to know, Frank why a cigarette, when it has the whole freeway to land on decides to land on your lap?" " The whole world's got it in for me, huh?" " No, Frank, just a few of us." "I hate to break up this friendly chit-chat but Ponch has to be in court in 30 minutes." "I don't think those hot pants are gonna go over too well with Judge Linda." " I'll go home and change." " You don't have time." "Borrow a pair at the office." "Hey, sarge, got any salve in your first aid..." "Forget it, okay?" "Boy." "And therefore, Your Honor if the officer were parked at La Brea that is 0.76 miles from where he stopped me." "And, if in fact he clocked me for half a mile it is clear, Your Honor that the officer's motorcycle must have had an average velocity of approximately 175 miles an hour." "I can calculate again if you wish." "No, that won't be necessary, Mr. Wee." "The court is convinced that reasonable doubt exists." "Case dismissed." "Sidney M. Engelhardt." "Want to borrow the "Wee" abacus?" "Are you kidding?" "This case is open and shut." "Just watch me." "Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of." "State your name, please." "Officer Frank Poncherello, California Highway Patrol." "Assigned to Motorcycle Enforcement." "Central Division." "Would you describe for the court the circumstances surrounding Mr. Engelhardt's citation." "Yes, sir, Your Honor." "There was a minor accident near Stadium Way." "I finished laying down a flare pattern to control traffic when Mr. Engelhardt cut through the flare line and tried to merge with cars waiting to get into the baseball game." "When I tried to stop him, he ignored me and charged ahead even further." "I cited him for violation of Section 2800 failure to obey a traffic officer." "Mr. Engelhardt, be patient." "You'll get your turn." "Officer Poncherello, do you have anything else to add?" "No, Your Honor." " It's your turn, Mr. Engelhardt." " Thank you, Your Honor." "With your permission, I'd like to make some corrections in the diagram." " Feel free." "Okay, because..." "First of all, the flare line is completely and incorrectly stated on here." "The flare line is out of place." "It's not right." "The flare line, here, I'll tell you exactly..." "You see..." "If the court pleases, may I?" "Please, feel free." "You see, the flare line is right..." "The chalk is..." "Flare line is completely wrong it's not here as he said." "See." "The flare line is here." "This is the flare line." "See?" "It comes right down here." "See?" "Flares, flares, flare, flare." "That's the flare line, see?" "Ain't that right?" "That's the flare line." "No, it's wrong." "See, it's not..." "It's because it's coming over the turnoff here..." "Here..." "Here is the flare..." "Now I see..." "I see flare, flare, flare..." "The turnoff is not here like he said." "Here is the turnoff." "It was north of the flare line." "See?" "And the flares come all the way down here, you see that?" "Center divider here." "I'll tell you what happened, Your Honor." "See, now..." "I was standing..." "I was right over here." "I was trying to come off the freeway." "All of a sudden, I saw these flares." "So I was gonna stop because the flares were there." "And..." "You know." "When the..." "And then..." "I looked in my rear-view mirror and I saw this giant, black-and-orange tanker right over here." "So naturally..." "Black-and-orange is right over..." "It's like this." "I had to get out of line, or I'd have been creamed." "It's really barreling down on me, behind me." "Suddenly, I saw this cop coming at me, waving his flare like some kind of a pyromaniac, you know, yelling his head off." "At first, tell you the truth, Your Honor." "I thought he was some kind of nut." "Tell you the truth, I just tried to get out of his way." "But then, I saw the things, the junk hanging..." "I knew he was an officer." "So I stopped then immediately." "And I said, "What can I do?" " Anything, I'll do." "But he didn't... "" " Thank you, Mr. Engelhardt." "Yes." "The court has heard sufficient evidence." "Thank you, Mr. Engelhardt." "Officer Poncherello, did you see the oil tanker that he described?" " No, Your Honor." " Of course, he didn't see." "He was busy yelling like it was Fourth of July." "All I saw was the defendant's camper." "He crossed my flare line." " It's his word against mine, right?" " That's right." "Unless you have a witness." "In that case, Your Honor I respectfully beg the court's indulgence for a continuance." "What would be the conditions for continuance?" "I need some more time to gather evidence, Your Honor, is what I..." "This is a very unusual request, Mr. Engelhardt." "Your Honor justice demands it." "The court grants a 48-hour continuance." "Thank you, Your Honor." "You do your best, you bust your butt, day in and day out, to make the grade." "What do you get?" "Some jerk calling you incompetent." "Ponch, just do yourself a favor and forget it, all right?" " The guy is crazy." " Yeah, you're right." "Crazy." "You're not gonna give me the shaft too, are you?" " We're a team, right?" " Now you're talking." "Don't worry, you won't be sorry." "I better warn you, I need some practice." "I'm a little rusty." "Don't worry, I'll teach you all my tricks." "You'll bowl 300 every time." "Anything you say, old buddy." " Good afternoon, sir." "May I see...?" " How are you, young fella?" "Fine, thank you." "May I see your license and registration, please." "Look, don't you recognize me?" "Yes, sir." "May I see your driver's license, please?" "Just a minute, now." " Here's the license." " Thank you." "The registration too." "And here's the registration." "Thank you." "This is expired almost two months now..." "I don't believe it." ""21-50, over," right?" ""21-50, over," right?" "Right?" "You're almost right." "And how are you today?" "Wow, this is really something." "What an honor." "Hey, Jon, this is Broderick Crawford." "Yeah, I knew when I came up here." "I gotta write..." "Boy, oh, boy, I have watched you for years over and over and over." "Hey, hey." ""21-50, bye." "21-50, over." "21-50 to headquarters. "" "Yeah, that's right." "I was making those Highway Patrol shows long before you guys were born." "They don't make Tv shows like that anymore." "That's right, they don't, do they?" "Say it for me?" "The guys at the office will never believe it." ""21-50, bye." "21-50 to headquarters. "" "All right, all right, all right." "21-50 to headquarters." "21-50 to headquarters." "Headquarters, bye." "Boy, that was great, huh?" "Hey, I'll be right back." "Don't go away." "That's great." " Can I borrow your pen?" "It's out of ink." " What?" "Your ink pen, please?" "You gotta be kidding." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, nothing." "Nothing at all." "If you're not doing "nothing at all" and you don't have car trouble, move out." "I could write you up." "And we don't want people to say I'm harassing you, do we?" "Oh, no, no." "Move out." " 21-50, over and out." " 10-4." "13-6 Edward LADO T has a number one lane closed..." "Hey." "Hey, Jon, I wanted to get his autograph." "And how could you?" "How could you do it?" "My hero, Mr. Highway Patrol, and you give him a ticket." "I only gave him a warning." "See, I just gave him a mechanical to get his autograph." "I'll give you a Xerox copy." "Beautiful." "Yeah, pretty good." "Not that." "Over there." "Fantastic, they're coming this way." "My luck is about to change." "What we need is a foursome." "If we're gonna work as a team we ought to find a team to compete against, right?" " We play a little better under pressure." " You got it." "Oh, hi." "Ignore him and he'll go away." "I'll bet you never had the opportunity to bowl against a three-time national champ, huh?" "No." "Now that you mentioned it, never." "Well, isn't that a coincidence." "I never have either." "Look, I'm telling you, that's what our policy is." "Don't tell me about your policy." "I want my money back." "But you had them all day." "You still owe us five bucks." "Give me my money." "I got a mind to throw you down one of your alley." "Excuse me, sir." "Butt out." "My money." "I said, excuse me." "Butt out." "My partner." " You guys aren't on duty." " Twenty-four hours a day." "What seems to be the problem?" " Guy won't give me my deposit back." " Because he doesn't have it coming." " He's a thief." " Have you been drinking?" "There's no law against that." "Depends on what you do afterward." "What am I doing?" "This guy's ripping me off." "Buddy, why don't you go home and take a little rest, all right?" "And I trust you aren't driving?" "I'm walking." " Thanks, fellas." " You betcha." "Listen, we need a couple pairs of shoes." " Three-and-a-half C?" " No." "Nine-and-a-half C and a 10 D." "The first key to great bowling is finger spread." "You need the strength of an eagle's talons and the finesse of a watchmaker." "The second key to great bowling is form." "Form combined with perfect harmony of motion." "Why don't I just show you how." "The third finger was snug, I..." "Warm-up." "That's very important for a good game." "You see, Ponch is such a perfectionist." "He's kind of the Beethoven of bowling." "We got a bad lane, folks." "Hey, Jon, if you shift your weight on your left leg, you'll get a better takeoff." "Okay, Ponch." "Not bad." "Can you do it again?" "I don't know, the release didn't feel right." "But I'll give it a shot." "That's great." "Exactly what was your job when you worked in the bowling alley?" " I was an instructor." " Instruct...?" "You're a natural, you can't miss." "Being on a team with you is like having a license to steal." " What are you talking about?" " The tournament." "What else?" "We can clean house." " What?" "What..." " Oh, you'll see." "You'll see." "Look what you've done." "Are you crazy?" "You could have killed me." " And my car." "Oh, my car." " I did just what you told me to." "You said you were stalled, weren't you?" "That is exactly the reason you were supposed to push me." "You are so stupid." "Don't call me stupid, I was doing you a favor." " Lf anybody's stupid, it's you." " Look what you've done." "You smashed up my car." " I'm gonna sue you." " It's not your whole car it's just your bumper there." "How can you sue me?" "You asked me to do it." " Please, ladies." " You said 25 miles an hour." " That's exactly what I did." " Ladies..." "The book says, push me up to 25 miles an hour not hit me at 25 miles an hour!" " Ladies, please." " Well, then, you should have told me..." " All right!" "Enough!" "Stop!" "Now, will you please step on the curb, ladies?" "Officer, she told me to push her." "And I did." "Push." "Push." "That's exactly what I said." "Push, not smash." "Don't move and don't make a sound." "3 Adam 42, 1 X 45 in pursuit, 211 suspects." "And not only that, I'm gonna see my doctor." "Because I'm sure that I have a whiplash." "In fact, I know I have." " Well, I'm injured too." " L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3." "Roll one 11-85, Vineland and Riverside." "Ladies, stay on the curb." "Get back." "Ponch, there goes a hot roller, and we're stuck here with the debating society." " I'm gonna call your husband." " Yeah, our luck, partner." " Don't you dare." " Lf you think I'm going to keep quiet..." "Hey, Bar, we drew a bye on the first round." "How about that?" "Yeah, we got lucky this time." "Hope our luck holds." " Morning, fellas." " Hey, Ponch." " How you doing?" " All right." "You guys gonna be in that bowling tournament?" "Me and Fritz are teamed again." "That's right, you guys won it last year, huh?" "Hey, why don't you give the rest of us a break?" "Because it's too much fun watching you eat humble pie." "Well, I think I'm gonna give it a try again this year anyway." "I might even be interested in a little side bet." "Careful, there're cops in here." "A week's lunches at Gitnick's?" "What do you say?" " Wait a minute, who's your teammate?" " Oh, Jon." "I've never seen Jon bowl." "Is he any good?" "Well, he's got potential." "But I'm gonna have to give him some pointers." "Wanna double the bets?" "Later, okay?" "Looks like somebody's south 40 is about to get plowed." "Yeah, well, at least it isn't yours this time." "Jonathan Baker." "Yeah." "Please answer this, yes or no." "Do you or do you not have in your possession a gold-plated, monogrammed ballpoint pen belonging to one Broderick Crawford?" " "21-50, over. " - "21-50, bye. "" "Will you kindly return it, huh?" " "21-50 to headquarters. 10-4. 10-4."" " Hey, you, turn around." "Okay, let's get down to business." "Those two robbery suspects on motorcycles well, they've been working overtime." "They hit another supermarket this morning." "They got a real bag of tricks up their sleeves." "They used a pedestrian overpass to lose sheriff's units." "Then they lost an L.A.P.D. Unit in the Newhall wash." "And while he sat up to his hubs in mud, they disappeared in a cloud of dust." "These characters are armed and considered dangerous." "So if you spot them, call for backup." "11-79, with injuries westbound Santa Barbara off-ramp at Chester Street." "Two motors..." "Poncherello, Baker, you wanna take it, please." "Someone's in there." " Hey, stay back!" " Look out!" "Careful, Ponch." "Don't touch him." "We got it." "Okay." "All right." "All right." " Electric shock." " Okay." "I can't get it open." "Help." "Would someone help?" "Do you got anything to get that wire out?" " Yeah, pike pole in back of the squad." " I'll get it." " Help me." "My baby's here." " Stay in the car." "Stay in there." "The car is grounded." "If you get out, you'll get electrocuted." " No!" "My baby's caught..." " Stay in the car!" " No!" "Let me go!" " Stay in the car!" "No!" "I wanna get out!" "Stay in the car!" "If you get out, you'll get electrocuted!" "Help!" "No!" "Calm down, would you?" "Ponch!" "Let go!" "Calm down, ma'am." "Just a minute." "Hurry up, Ponch!" "Okay, go!" "Okay." " Come here, baby." " Here, I'll get him out." "Come on." "Come on, ma'am." "He's all right." "Lady, come on." " Everything's gonna be fine." " I'm scared." "I know." "Now, calm yourself." "Here." "Just relax." "But I could have killed him." "Just take it easy, all right?" "Look at the baby." "Hey." "Hey, he's a cute little tyke, huh?" "You're out of danger now." "Calm yourself." "Today's the first day of my new job." "I was late." "I was trying to get the baby to the sitter's." "We gotta be more careful." "Late is nothing..." " I've gotta go." "Let me have my baby!" " Hold on." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "But my boss." "You don't understand." "My new job..." "Only place you're going is you and your baby are going to the hospital." "You don't understand." "My baby depends on me." "Hey, we do understand." "And if your baby depends on you, then give him a break, all right?" "Okay." "I'm sorry." "Let's go." "15, 6 Mary is 10-7 at IHOP's." "The baby seems fine." " I think she's okay too." " All right." " We'll take them in just to check them." " Okay." "Let's get our gear and get this traffic squared away." " See you at the doughnut shop." " Right, partner." "Hey, pull it over." "Yeah, you." "I said pull it over!" "I said pull it over right now!" "What?" "You don't speak English?" "You speak Français?" "Français?" "No, I don't understand." "No, you didn't do anything wrong, sir." "You're safe." "You're okay." "Safe." "Lookit here, lookit here." "Okay." "Well, you..." "You're missing a tire." "See, that's all." "See, the little tires..." "Yeah." "No, no, no, see..." "Your car..." "Your auto?" " Auto, auto, oui." " Your..." "Auto." "Your auto has only one two, three tires." "But most cars..." "All these..." "See, all these cars..." "All of the cars, they mostly have one, two, three, four:" " Yeah." " Understand?" "Right." "Hold on a minute, just let me show..." "You know..." "You understand "open"?" "Open." "Yeah." "Let's see." "Where's number five at?" "I don't believe you, monsieur." "Listen is that the way you drive in France, with just three little:" "What's the problem, Jon?" "Oh, nothing." "Just a little language barrier and three quarters of a wheel allotment." "Says he got his wheel stolen." " What?" " He got his wheel stolen." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "It's all yours, Shain." "Tell him to drive carefully and merci." "Jon!" "Look, Your Honor, it was almost 5:00." "Your Honor, 65 miles in heavy traffic like this, it's a hot rodder's dream." "I mean, the day we were stacked up like sardines, bumper to bumper." "Look at the clock." "The officer must have made a mistake." "Look, I was only going 20 miles per hour." "Traffic was crawling." "So as Your Honor can clearly see at 5:00 on the Ventura Freeway no one could possibly go 65 miles an hour." " Lf the Court..." " Enough." "I've seen enough, Mr. Connell." "I suppose next you're gonna show us pictures of your fa..." "Family." "Lights, please." "The court will take this case under submission." "The verdict will be sent to you in the mail." "Bailiff, would you help Mr. Connell with his equipment?" "You take care of this, I'll get the screen." "Sidney M. Engelhardt." "Excuse me, I was..." "Excuse me." " Mr. Engelhardt, you have your evidence?" " Right here, Your Honor." "I've been following this so-called officer around for the last couple of days." "I have proof right here as to his total incompetence." " I don't think the court is..." " Look at the pictures." "See for yourself." "Officer Poncherello, would you like a look at these?" " You don't have to comment, you know." " I'd be delighted, Your Honor." "In this one, I was helping this lady fetch her spare." "There was an accident at the top of this ramp." "I had to get there in a hurry." "Your Honor, the beer can was evidence." "And here, my partner was giving a ticket to Broderick Crawford." "He didn't." "Thank you." "Mr. Engelhardt, do you have anything to add?" " No." " The Court finds you guilty." " Please see the clerk." " But Your Honor..." "The clerk." "Driver's license, please?" "Would it be possible to get a dozen shots of me with Broderick Crawford?" "No." "Oh, I'm sure you guys could join the tournament." "It's just the fellas in the office." "Sounds like fun, side bet and all." " Tomorrow night you say?" " Yup." "You're on." "All right." "Excuse me." "Jon, I found a couple of hot bowlers." "Oh, yeah?" "Coffee and doughnuts for a month." "All right." "Attention, Hollywood units." "211 just occurred at Ocean Savings." "Two male suspects on motorcycles wearing black jackets and visored helmets." "Hollywood units, L.A.S. O. Reports two 211 suspects on motorcycles, southbound on the Hollywood Freeway at Vermont." "One Highway Patrol unit is in pursuit." "Suspects are armed." "Which one do you want, Sundance or Cassidy?" "I'll take Sundance." "Hey, Ponch, you still taking bets?" "Are you kidding?" "Sure." "You know, I always suspected you were crazy but now..." " Is that so?" " You wanna double the bets?" " You got it." "Well, for your information, gentlemen, me and old Jon are gonna clean up." "I'll take all the action I can get." "Come on." "You've got a bet with every guy on this shift..." " ... whether they're bowling or not." " Yeah." "You're gonna have to open up your own hamburger stand, Ponch." "Here comes my loyal teammate, and ace bowler." "Guess what?" "I got all these fish to double their bets." "I wanted to talk to you about..." "We're gonna eat free for the rest of our bike-riding lives." "When we finish with you we're gonna take on the sheriff's department." "And then who knows?" "Maybe Bowling for Dollars?" " Ponch." " Yeah?" "Remember that mishap at Griffith Park?" " Yeah?" " It's not serious, but..." "Oh, Jon."