"And now "The Transcredible exploits of Zapp Brannigan"" "Brought to you by Bartley's Rocket Wax." "I wax my rocket every day!" "No one can save you now, Leela." "What about Zapp Brannigan?" "Well, obviously, Zapp Brannigan could save you, but" "Zapp Brannigan?" "!" "So, Emperor Chopchop, once again, we meet at last." "Drop that space gun or I'll shoot-- like so." "(revolver fires) Ooh." "Oh!" "Oh, Zapp." "Tie me back up and ravish me." "I'd like to, Leela, so I will." "(both giggle)" "(both moan passionately)" "(chuckles)" "Mmm, shake it, baby." "Shake it like..." "I surrender and volunteer for treason." "Emergency summons from the president, Captain." "Oh, it's you." "Just let me freshen up." "Computer, captain's musk." "(sighs wearily)" "The long, dramatic corridor." "That's never a good sign." "(electronic buzz, bell dings)" "FEMALE VOICE:" "Glove recognized." "Proceed, Mrs. Eisenhower." "Mr. President." "What the hell?" "At ease, Brannigan." "(sighs)" "What you're about to see is highly classified." "Reptilicus, hit the thingy." "At oh-zero-hundred hours," "Planet X-3 was attacked by a mysterious Death-Sphere." "Magnify that Death-Sphere." "Why is it still blurry?" "That's all the resolution we have." "Making it bigger doesn't make it clearer." "It does on CSI:" "Miami." "(groans)" "NIXON:" "They fought back with advanced military hardware, but it was like shooting BBs at Bebe Rebozo." "That poor, brave hardware." "The Sphere then fired some kind of hellish blackout ray." "Erased that planet like 18 minutes of incriminating tape." "Oh, I just wish I understood why." "Why I should care." "Because the Death-Sphere is now on course for Earth." "NIXON:" "Aroo!" "My God, we're defenseless, like fish in a barrel." "Options?" "My instinct is to hide in this barrel like the wily fish." "Ah, then we're down to our last hope:" "a radical new weapon built by a visionary scientist" "I once dismissed as crazy." "(Professor laughing)" "Let's see how crazy I am now, Nixon." "The correct answer is "very."" "All right, Professor, sock it to me." "Top secret news, everyone." "I've developed a tiny, one-man stealth fighter that's virtually undetectable." "How undetectable?" "It's right in front of you." "I find that-- (clank)" "Ow!" "...to belie." "(all oohing and aahing) Hubba, hubba." "But how exactly is this Happy Meal toy going to destroy a giant Death-Sphere?" "From within." "This ship should be able to sneak, undetected, through the Sphere's one vulnerable opening." "What vulnerable opening?" "All Death-Spheres have one vulnerable opening." "Well, sure, but who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a Death-Sphere?" "I say Brannigan." "I say no." "I say me." "I say Leela." "I say yes." "I say no." "I say Leela, too." "I say yes again." "I say I shall join her." "But it's only a one-man craft." "I say." "There'll only be one man-- me." "How would you feel if I rode rear as your personal tail gunner?" "Creeped out." "Then it's decided." "CAPE KNIEVEL FLIGHT TEST CENTER" "Are you sure I have to sit in your lap?" "It'll help us achieve maximum thrust." "(Leela and Kif groan)" "I made you some trail mix for the flight." "Also, this picture, to remember me." "You hold onto it." "I'll be back soon." "(scoffs)" "Aah!" "(grunts)" "Activating stealth shielding." "(beep)" "Liftoff!" "I'll roger that." "(rocket engines rumbling, whooshing)" "Does anybody else feel aroused and jealous and worried?" "I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died." "(beeping)" "Death-Sphere in range." "Engaging holographic targeting." "Activating the Force." "MALE VOICE (a la Obi-Wan):" "Feel the entrance, Leela." "Destination on your left in 0.3 miles." "Zapp to Leela." "Look at all that surveillance equipment." "(whispering):" "We better whisper." "(whispering):" "Switching to pillow talk mode." "Look!" "What are those huge letters?" "BRANNIGAN:" "V-GINY?" "Doesn't ring a bell." "Hmm, I don't like the looks of this V-GINY." "Does anyone recognize those call letters?" "Nope." "It's not in the Janeway's Guide either." "Deciphering that I.D. code is critical." "I'll be in the Chamber of Understanding." "(muffled disco bass line throbbing)" "This is it-- the moment we should have trained for." "Holy cr... (beep)" "Incoming yucky." "Firing pocket-rocket!" "(muffled explosion)" "Don't panic, Leela." "Go, go, go, go, go." "I hope this is the control stick." "BRANNIGAN:" "Captain's log." "We've lost control." "Addendum... (Brannigan screaming)" "Chapter Two:" ""The Heat Thickens."" "(groaning)" "Leela, wake up." "I can't face this mysterious planet alone without you or someone like you." "(breathing rapidly)" "Zapp?" "Zapp, wake up." "(kisses, snorts)" "Leela, where are we?" "We crashed on an uncharted planet." "When I woke up, I was pinned under this tree." "Can you help me?" "If anyone can move it, I can." "(grunting)" "No one can move it." "Are you hurt?" "No, but I'm so thirsty." "This space suit is making me sweat like a sow." "Me, too." "We'd better strip them off and continue surviving au naturel." "Uh..." "I suppose so." "Here, we can cover ourselves with these sticky, sap-covered leaves." "I'll try to avert my eyes from your nudery." "You will?" "Eh, what's the point?" "You'll have to look sooner or later." "Well, I promise not to abuse the privilege." "For now I'd better scout ound for food and water and help." "What a thoughtful and considerate thing to say." "What the hell's wrong with you?" "I'm not quite sure." "Perhaps it's the fresh air or a severe head injury." "In any case, I'm off." "If you see any steaks, that'd be good!" "(sniffs)" "Why isn't Leela back yet?" "Do you think she's okay?" "How should I know?" "And how come you ner ask if I'm okay?" "I'm feeling a little neglected here." "Oh, sorry." "Are you okay, Bender?" "Shut up." "What difference does it make?" "When that Death- Sphere gets here, we'll all be blown to Manwich meat." "Well, I guess it's time to indulge in some end-of-the-world debauchery." "Who's up for an orgy?" "(enthusiastic response fades to ambivalent muttering)" "Maybe a Parcheesi tournament." "PROFESSOR:" "Belay that Parcheesi tournament." "I've identified the Death-Sphere." "We may yet have a faint hope of survival." "Still, a Parcheesi tournament." "This is a top secret military satellite launched by the air force in 1998." "And this is a top secret FCC satellite launched that same year to censor indecent TV programs." "Like The Pimpsons and Ass-o-rama?" "Precisely." "However, the satellites collided shortly after launch and were never heard from again." "I found the board!" "Now I've simulated that collision using Shrapnel-vision." "(all shouting)" "BENDER:" "V-GINY!" "Granted, all that makes perfect sense." "But why is this Death-Sphere destroying planets?" "That makes the most sense of all." "Lookt the planets it's destroyed so far." "First came X-3 the nude beach planet, then Poopiter, and finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company." "You mean..." "(whispers)" "(all groaning) How dare you." "So the Death-Sphere is "censoring" indecent planets?" "Indeed, and we're next, if we can't keep it in our collective pants." "Our sole hope is to persuade the people of Earth to abandon their smutty ways." "(whip cracks)" "So the orgy's off?" "(groans)" "So thirsty." "Why couldn't a water fountain have fallen on me?" "I couldn't find any water, but the moisture in these fruit-nut-berries should sustain you." "Thank you." "I climbed perilously high into the trees to pick them, yet I saw no sign of intelligent life." "Bummer." "Moreover, the crash totally destroyed our ship." "So we're stuck here until someone finds us?" "Alas, that may never happen." "Stealth technology makes the ship impossible to locate, yet easy to stub your crotch on." "Well, there's worse places to be marooned." "Plenty of food, mild climate." "I's a veritable Garden of Eden." "It is?" "(beautiful choral music plays)" "Hello." "Did that snake say hello?" "No." "We're both delirious from dehydration." "Just like Adam and Eve." "PROFESSOR:" "We can still save Earth." "People are sure to clean up their act when presented with cold, hard facts by rational folks like us." "The end is near!" "Repent thy sins!" "I'll thinks it overs while I engages is five-dollar hooker." "Don't do it!" "It's not worth it!" "Okay, make it three dollars." "Yuck!" "I don't wants no three-dollar hooker." "I'm going backs to the adults bookstore." "Adult bookstore?" "I thought this was the public library." "No." "Pubic library." "Zapp?" "Where are you?" "Oh, God, I'm actually starting to miss him." "Maybe you two belong together." "We do not." "And you can't talk." "Oh, come on." "It must be an awful temptation." "Guess who just killed a woodchuck with his bare feet?" "(grunts)" "I thought I'd whip us up some shelter." "Make this a little more like home." "I do miss the Earth terribly." "I wonder if it's even still there?" "Let's find out together." "I'll brave the ship's wreckage to fetch you the telescope." "That's so sweet." "I'm just sayin', is all." "I know my new plan is a long shot, but it's the only hope left." "Well, now I've heard everything." "On my iPod." "So, do you have a new plan, Professor?" "And is there any hope left?" "Indeed." "We're here on Earth's last unspoiled acre to show the Death-Sphere there's still purity in the world." "Begin transmitting." "Commence purity chant." "(all chanting)" "Hey, I'm proud of you, Bender-- avoiding sin for almost a full minute." "Bender?" "BENDER:" "Oh yeah, baby, you're quite a dish." "(Bender and female voice giggling)" "(giggling):" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, no." "Oh, yeah." "Ooh!" "Oh, no." "PROFESSOR:" "Bender, stop!" "Stop!" "Eh, quiet your riot." "What's the worst that could happen?" "LEELA:" "No..." "No!" "(sobbing)" "Earth is gone!" "We're the only two humans left in the universe!" "(sobbing)" "Oh, God, I'm sorry, Leela." "Maybe..." "Maybe this was meant to be." "Maybe you and I were meant to build a new world here." "Ã We can avoid humanity's mistakes." "Like the tuba." "Yes!" "We'll be like Adam and Eve." "Only without the tuba." "And we'll beget little Zapp Junior." "And Leela Junior." "And they'll have kids of their own." "Yuck!" "Is that really what happened in the Bible?" "It's a sick and twisted book of holiness, all right." "Then we'll write our own bible." "With less Sodom and more go-more." "Let's do it." "I shall become the mother of a new world, trapped here, under this tree." "The Tree of Knowledge." "Look, it even has apples!" "Ow!" "Wow!" "Come here, Adam." "Partake of my forbidden fruit." "Thee will be done." "(passionate moaning)" "Wait." "One more bite before we begin the begetting." "Mmm." "Juicy." "Those nut-berries you found were so salty," "I couldn't think straight." "(passionate moaning)" "I mean, not to belabor it, but they were as salty as that bag of trail mix Frgave me." "Exactly as salty." "Hey!" "Wait a second!" "Uh..." "Oh... (tortured groaning)" "I have a terrible confession to make." "You see, when I first went foraging, what I actually found was the smoldering wreckage of the ship." "Ignoring all danger, I charged inside to liberate our provisions." "So this is the trail mix Fry gave me!" "Yes." "I exaggerated when I said I picked it from the treetops." "I just wanted you to think... (sniffling) a little better of me." "Well... your motives were good." "And we were both loopy from dehydration." "Hey, wait." "You've been doing an awful lot of urinating." "(tortured groaning)" "There's plenty of water." "You see, after I selflessly rescued the trail mix," "I braved the flames once more, in search of fluids." "(grunting)" "Then why didn't you give me any?" "(sniffles)" "I thought it might help you forget your intense hatred for me if you were a teensy bit delirious." "So you let me dehydrate while you washed down the trail mix with imported mineral water?" "(tortured groaning)" "Not exactly." "You see, besides the trail mix, the minibar also contained Doritos, beef jerky, and a generous assortment of fine chocolates." "I wanted to offer you the chocolates" "I truly did-- but I was concerned about your waistline." "Very concerned." "It's because I haven't been exercising." "If only this tree hadn't fallen on me by chance." "Oh, dear God!" "(tortured groaning, sobbing)" "It was just after we crashed." "I awoke first, to find you trapped." "Leela!" "Leela, wake up." "You could've moved this grub-infested log any time you wanted?" "Well, sure... but then I wouldn't have been able to provide the loving care you wouldn't have needed." "I'd leave you to rot in this paradise, if only the ship weren't destroyed." "The ship's fully functional, isn't it?" "(tortured groaning)" "You see, after re-trapping you and before feigning unconsciousness," "I paused to enjoy a cigar." "Though mellow and satisfying, it did parch me a bit, so I went in search of brandy." "That's when my keen senses detected the still-invisible ship." "Ow!" "So we can go back to Earth?" "But there is no Earth anymore!" "Everyone I know is dead!" "(sobbing)" "Ah, this seems like a good place to take a dump." "Leela?" "!" "You're alive!" "Fry!" "But how did you find this planet?" "Well?" "(tortured groaning)" "We're actually on Earth." "The ship's homing device brought us back." "But I saw Earth explode." "I'm actually kind of proud of this one." "You see, what you saw was merely a simulation I rigged up, using the ship's holographic targeting projector." "The alleged "telescope" was a toilet paper tube." "You said there wasn't any toilet paper!" "And that humanity was annihilated!" "My motives were pure." "I just wanted to you to think we had to save humanity so you'd be willing to have sex." "Please say you believe me." "Yes, I believe you." "Hee-ya!" "Yay!" "There must be something to steal on this island." "Hey, it's Leela." "(cheering)" "Let's go home, everybody." "At least the world wasn't destroyed." "Yet." "V-GINY:" "People of Earth!" "Hear the righteous word of the mighty V-GINY!" "(all gasping) BENDER:" "The mighty V-GINY!" "(giggling)" "V-GINY:" "Seeing you frolic in this unspoiled garden gives hope that this world may yet be redeemed." "Huzzah!" "The purity chant worked!" "Unacceptable wardrobe malfunction!" "I was referring to Adam and Eve!" "We're not Adam and Eve." "You see, due to a series of" "Consummate your union, or I shall destroy Earth." "(guns cocking)" "Well... if it's to save Earth..." "I guess I could take one for the team." "Uh, what?" "Right now?" "!" "But I need a romance first." "Maybe a vanilla candle or something?" "Commence intercourse!" "(clearing throat)" "Those giant guns are making me feel sort of inadequate." "I'm not sure if I can..." "Move it." "I gotta get home and do laundry." "(all groaning)" "For God's sake, censor it!" "Censor it!" "V-GINY:" "Approved for all audiences!" "No!" "(sobbing)" "ANNOUNCER:" "And now, the spicy finale of..." "That was a close call, but we saved Earth." "Was it as good for you as it was for the human race?" "Oh, Zapp." "Let's save another planet right now!" "(snoring)"