"* My name is Cleveland Brown *" "* And I am proud to be *" "* Right back in my hometown *" "* With my new family *" "* There's old friends and new friends *" "* And even a bear *" "* Through good times and bad times *" "* It's true love we share *" "* And so I found a place *" "* Where everyone will know *" "* My happy mustached face *" "* This is The Cleveland Show. *" "Lester, I like your stupid Kid Rock hat." "My boy, Ernie, bought it for me." "He's been pulling double shifts at the slaughterhouse." "Ernie has a job?" "!" "Man, I sure wish Cleveland Jr." "showed initiative like that." "He just sits around the house like a fat." "Like a fat what?" "I don't know, just a fat." "Hey, if I wanted to talk about kids," "I would've become a pediatrician." "Or a pedophile like my uncle Wendell." "He was a bad man- no point talking about it now." "He also molested Jerry O'Connell, so, you know." "Little bit of a connection there." "That'll be $12.50." "I'll put it on your "tab."" "Great, we'll "pay you" at the end of "the month."" "Good, I need it to pay "my rent."" "Oh, Gus, what a crazy bar owner you are." "To the Stool!" "The Stool!" "Green Day!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Hey, Dad, Ernie just got a new bike." "Can I get one, too?" "It's the electric kind, so it does all the pedaling for you." "It's like the player piano of bikes." "Hmm, is he stupid or smart?" "I can't figure it out." "Maybe if you got a job like Ernie, you could buy that bike for yourself." "I work for everything I have." "Look around-- I bought everything in here." "Excuse me?" "!" "You most certainly djd not." "How about the cutlery?" "Nope." "I use it." "Oh, I definitely bought that wrought-iron Golden Gate Bridge that's hanging in the hallway." "Cleveland, my uncle made that." "Uncle Leonard did?" "Damn, he ain't bad." "He couldn't do an Eiffel Tower, could he?" "Probably." "Let's call him!" "Leonard, hey, it's Cleveland Brown." "Hey, it has been a long time." "Listen, you still making wrought iron representations of world-famous landmarks?" "Yeah?" "You think you could make a wrought iron Eiffel Tower like the one they got in Paris, France?" "How tall we want the tower?" "I don't want it." "No, we, we, we're getting it." "All right, yeah, uh, maybe not too tall, 'cause we don't want it to break up the flow of the room." "But I guess we don't want it too short, either, 'cause it is the Eiffel Tower, after all." "How much is this gonna cost, anyway?" "$700?" "!" "Hmm, I'm gonna pray on this and I'm gonna call you back." "$700." "The point is, Cleveland Junior, you need a job and I'm gonna help you find one." "I'll do anything but government work." "Well, you're too skinny for that, anyway." "If Lester's boy can get a job here, so can you." "It will be so cool to work with Ernie." "Cow got out!" "No, fellas, that's not a cow!" "Ah, no!" "Help!" "Moo!" "Moo!" "Stop mooing, you fool!" "I moo when I get scared." "Moo!" "Moo!" "So you wanna be a paperboy." "No better job for a boy your age." "When I was your age, guess what I was." "A paperboy?" "Smart kid." "Chief, I just read online the newspaper business is officially dead." "There's your headline." "Well, I guess I'm out of a job." "Are you hiring?" "Hiring for what?" "Oh, come on!" "If you're not hiring, then why am I even here, when I could be at Kinko's updating my resume?" "Moo." "Oh, I need a drink." "Getting you a job has been more annoying than going to the bathroom in a Chinese restaurant." "Heads up, buddy-- there's no paper towels in there." "Thank you." "Things out of place!" "Things out of place!" "* *" "Here you go, sir." "These were cluttering the tables and my mind." "Thank you, young man." "How's about as a reward, we do some coloring?" "Can you believe that something so fun can be made of paraffin wax?" "Aren't crayons remarkable?" "Whiskey on the rocks." "That'll be three dollars American." "You should pour smaller drinks, so you can get more out of every bottle and make more money." "So you're saying by putting less alcohol in each drink," "I could make more money?" "Does every bar know about this?" "I don't know." "Huh, this crayon says "peach,"" "but it doesn't taste like a peach." "You're right." "It should say "wax."" "All right, let's go home." "Your son's a sharp little fella, Cleveland." "Really?" "Hmm, Gus thinks he's smart, but is Gus smart?" "He just saved me a lot of money." "Junior, how would you like to come work for me here at the Stool?" "Well, all right!" "Look at you, a working man, thanks to me." "Now, Junior, if you take this job, you might see your father do some strange things, like swear a lot or vomit on stuff or dance with some ladies that aren't your stepmom and maybe aren't even ladies." "Might dress up like a lady himself to win the confidence of an out-of-town businessman, and then swindle him out of his inheritance." "All of this needs to stay a secret." "Is that something you can handle?" "I suppose so." "Great, he can start tomorrow." "Drinks are on the house, everyone." "I've just inherited a large sum of money." "Go wait in the car, Junior." "What's your problem, sourpuss?" "You haven't sent a text all breakfast." "Lacey Stapleton was at the mall yesterday." "That bougie private school ho from around the way?" "Mm-hmm, she got a new puppy." "Ooh, I hate her!" "Who's Lacey?" "Put it this way:" "We're the Paris and Nicole of Stoolbend." "Who?" "You know, like Tim and Sheree?" "Come again?" "Kristin and Heidi-- hello?" "!" "Oh, from Aesop's fables." "No, you idiot!" "They're on The Hills." "The foothills of Appalachia?" "It's a show on MTV!" "The channel with the Phil Collins videos?" "Ooh, your country ass don't know anything!" "I need to get out of this podunk cow town." "Cow town?" "!" "We got a Best Buy." "They don't put those just anywhere." "Cow town." "Like a cow walks into a store and says," ""Moo, I need a stereo."" "Mom, I'm never gonna amount to anything unless I get a puppy, too." "Now, Roberta, you don't need to copy what Lacey does, that's childish." "What you need to do is one-up her sorry ass, put that bitch to shame!" "Go on..." "When I was in high school, there was this girl, Courtney Bebb." "She got a nice pair of shoes," "I got a nicer pair of shoes." "She got a fancy coat, so I got a fancier coat." "She got a fancy car, so you know what I did?" "You got a fancier car?" "No, couldn't afford that so I spread a rumor that she had an abortion and her parents sent her to live with her aunt." "Take that, take that, take that, take that!" "There's one thing you need to know about Tubbs women." "We take all kinds of from men but never from another woman." "Hey, one of you hoes go down to 7-11 and get me a Diet Dr. Pepper." "Right away, sir." "Boy, getting wasted with my buds while my son cleans up." "You know, that quirky Holocaust movie was right-- life is beautiful." "Daddy, this is gonna sound crazy but Gus wasn't even keeping track of your tab." "And without a tab, there's no way to know how much you owe." "But now there is, thanks to your boy." "Which is thanks to you, Cleveland." "Yeah, thanks, Cleveland." "He said sarcastically." "What are you gonna do about it?" "The only thing I can do" "I'm going back to the island." "Sorry, Mr. Bear, but that's our only pair of house pants." "And with our new dress code, all customers are required to wear pants." "We're trying to draw a more upscale crowd." "Well, they're, they're a little tight." "When I go home, it's gonna take me a few minutes just to peel my slab off my bag." "How come the football game isn't on?" "This is football." "In Europe." "We'll get more customers if we appeal to an international clientele." "Still zero-zero!" "Uh, son?" "One sec, Dad." "Rebecca, I need you to break down that four top into two twos and to marry the ketchups." "Alberto, where's my heirloom tomato salad?" "Necesito pronto!" "Mira, que estas haciendo?" "!" "Yeah, Dad?" "Son, I need to talk to you." "I need to talk to you, too." "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." "We need to free up that table for paying customers." "What?" "!" "I'm not going anywhere!" "Then our bouncer will show you out." "Dick Clark!" "Happy New Year!" "Look, she's Lady Gaga ...with less fleas." "Nice backpack, lesbo." "Yeah?" "Well, meet what's inside the backpack, trick." "My adopted Malawian son, Dikembe, from the village of Motumbo." "Let me at the white women." "Wow, you adopted an African baby." "That's right." "Just like that old British transvestite." "Madonna?" "Yup, that's his name." "Big deal." "This kid probably has AIDS." "I don't." "This place is dead." "No tunes." "And the chicks are all the wrong kind of Asians." "Yeah, and I think that the man over theris really into the microfiche." "Hmm." "We need to get the stool back to the way it was." "I'm sorry, could you guys keep it down?" "I'm trying to "reek."" "Well, the Stool's never gonna be the same as long as" "Cleveland, Jr." "is working there." "You're right." "I got us into this." "You'll get us out." "Just kidding." "My show." "I'll do it." "Hi, Roberta, I'm Lacey's mother." "And you must be the African boy." "Hello, African boy." "I chair an organization called Caucasian Heroes" "Offering Dollars Everywhere." "CHODE?" "Ooh!" "Smart one." "I'd like you both to be honored guests at my fund-raiser tomorrow night, and tell your story." "In front of people?" "Yeah." "Lots of people." "See you tomorrow." "Could you pull my car around, please?" "I'm not a valet." "That's not what I asked." "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Junior." "You may want to sit down." "You know, I don't think sitting was quite right." "How about if you crouch like a baseball catcher?" "Uh, I was thinking a little less Gary Carter and a little more Tony PeÃ±a." "Wrong leg, but close enough." "Now, I received an anonymous call." "The man threatened to tell the police that I have a 14-year-old working at my bar if I didn't fire you." "Really?" "Yup." "And then he asked me if I thought that $700 was too much to pay for a wrought iron Eiffel Tower." "Then I said, "Your voice sounds familiar." "Who is this?"" "He said, "This is Cleveland Brown, oops."" "And I said, "Well, Mr. Oops," ""I don't know why this is any of your business," ""but I don't want any trouble around here, so I'll let him go."" "I'm sorry, Cleveland Jr." "I understand." "You're not going to cry, are you?" "No, I'm not." "For the first time in my life, I'm not going to cry." "What are you gonna do?" "I'm gonna get even with that candy-ass, son-of-a-bitch!" "Hey, baby." "How was the Stool?" "It... was... awesome." "It's back to the way it used to be." "All gross and free." "And no more of that bogus bogusness that this one did to the place." "Hey, Junior, why weren't you there tonight?" "You're not working there anymore?" "No." "I was fired." "Oh, you know why?" "'Cause you were awful and it was a bad job you did." "You suck." "I'm proud of you, son, you did a good job." "You did a bad job!" "Water, water, water, water." "Water, water." "No more water." "* *" "* *" "Sweet eggs and chicken legs!" "What happened to your mustache?" "!" "I don't know!" "It's just gone." "It's gone!" "And what's wrong with your voice?" "My mustache must have provided a natural filter!" "You've got too much face without your mustache!" "I know!" "That's why I wear it!" "You sound and look like a man I don't want to be with!" "Oh, rats!" "Sudden weight gain, balance problems, and your body has rejected the mustache." "I'm afraid you have DMA." "DMA?" "!" "Depilatory Mustachical Alopecia." "Heavens!" "Listen, lots of DMA-positive men go on to live very full lives." "What's on your lip?" "Uh, eyeliner." "Come on, Cleveland." "You're better than that." "Stop it." "Stop it." "There you go." "I'll write you a prescription, but until then, here's a prosthesis." "You want the Fred Goldman or the John Waters?" "Mmm." "I guess the Fred Goldman." "Oh, that's better." "Nice, very natural." "Now, you're going to have to pay in cash." "Our insurance machine is broken." "* *" "All right, everyone, okay." "CHODE is just tickled pink to have this inspiring young lady with us." "So, please, put your wealthy hands together for Roberta Tubbs!" "Thank you all for coming." "So... uh... what's up?" "Ms. Tubbs." "What measures have you taken to preserve your son's tribal identity?" "Uh, he... sleeps in the dirt?" "I've never heard of the village of Mutombo." "The Village of Mawhozits?" "Okay, look, the thing is..." "I..." "I..." "I..." "My name be Dikembe!" "I journey many mile to be here." "With the help of a farting warthog and a wisecracking meerkat," "I escaped my war-torn village to a hotel in Rwanda." "So, I say unto you as my forefathers said unto me," ""Mama se, Mama sa, Mama coo-sa!" "Coming to America out of Africa!" "" Good night!" "I can't believe" "I've got Depilatory Mustachical Alopecia." "Why don't you shut up or get the hell outta my country?" "Hey, fellas." "Brought you another round from your secret stash." "Those is some loose-ass caps." "I don't know, Gus." "Normally after a few of these," "I can tolerate these sons of bitches." "But for some reason, right now I just want to punch them in the head." "Do it then." "Punch me in the head." "My head!" "Stay out of this, Dinklage." "What the hell was that for?" "This is what's happening." "Deal with it." "Bravo, gentlemen." "Junior?" "Wh-What are you doing here?" "Dad, I did all of this-- the mustache, the T-shirts-- everything." "I've been teaching you a lesson." "What?" "!" "And guess what?" "You're all sober." "Wha...?" "That's right." "I replaced your beer with that nonalcoholic crap" "George W. Bush pretended to drink." "But..." "But why?" "I wanted to get you back for getting me fired." "Wait, you did this all by yourself?" "Well, I did have a little help." "Dr. Fist?" "!" "That's right, I was in on the scheme the whole time." "I was acting, Cleveland." "I studied drama at Northwestern before I went into medicine." "How was the performance?" "Was I believable?" "You were very good." "Very natural." "But you are my doctor." "Right." "But I was acting like a different doctor." "Of the same name." "Exactly." "I'm proud of you, son." "Maybe he is smart." "It was stupid of him to tell me, though." "I'm glad you're all made up and everything, but can someone get me to a hospital?" "Well, as a doctor, I prescribe a round of shots." "Nobody's afraid of shots around here, are they?" "Oh, gosh darn it!"