"( theme song playing )" "* *" "Ah... ah, here's our fine chef." "Corporal..." "do you know for whom you have the honor of cooking tonight, huh?" "General Wexler and his aide, Captain Richter." "I'm so thrilled I may cry into the champignons." "Champignon-- "mushroom," of course." "These French are so emotional." "Now, Corporal, what is the pièce de résistance tonight, huh?" "Tournedos Rossini et les pommes de terre frites." "Meat and French-fried potatoes." "It loses a little something in the translation." "WEXLER:" "The sergeant eats first?" "Some local tradition?" "Uh, no, no." "You see, our very fine chef is also a very dangerous prisoner, and I think it is wise to have a food taster around just in case." "I risk my life for the Fatherland." "And gain a few pounds on the way." "Mmm, wunderbar, Kommandant, wunderbar." "Not a sign of poison." "Excellent!" "You see, whenever Schultz does not fall down, it is safe." "CARTER:" "Providing he falls in the other direction." "Proceed, proceed, Herr General, please sit down." "Danke schön." "Danke." "A food taster-- no detail escapes you, Colonel." "You have command thinking." "Thank you, Captain, thank you." "Commandant?" "Yes, please." "Thank you, Sergeant." "thank you." "Everything under control, Captain?" "Danke." "Cor blimey, you scared me half to death." "Sorry." "Richter's very, very messy with his papers." "Well, just find them." "I'm looking." "Having a proper bash out there, are they?" "Klink's still bucking for promotion." "Good luck to him, the silly old sod." "Oh, here we are-- these look interesting." "Yeah..." "Yeah, that's great." "Okay, I'll see you." "What do you mean?" "Get back here quickly" "I got to replace these." "I know." "KLINK:" "Ah, I think a little bit more wine might be in order." "Thank you." "You have another dinner party going on in the camp?" "Oh, no, Herr General." "I send a little of the food to our senior POW officer." "A little bribe for permitting us to use his, uh, chef." "Oh, very good, yeah." "Anything, Colonel?" "Yeah, mostly low-grade stuff." "A new ball-bearing factory, locations of two ack-ack units-- all this we've already seen." "Well, I don't understand it." "Richter gave us the signal to go ahead." "He's given us good intelligence before." "I guess even traitors have their bad days." "BAKER:" "Colonel... there's a note on this one." "Hmm..." ""Next dinner, same procedure." "Plans... for West Wall underwater obstacles."" "That could be interesting." "Hmm, if he delivers." "Yeah, well, let's pay him for this stuff anyway." "How are things going over at the festival?" "Boy, is Klink working for that promotion." "Can you imagine him making general?" "Yeah, how would Klink look with a red stripe on his pants?" "Like a bald-headed Kraut with a red stripe on his pants." "* *" "* *" "HOGAN:" "Not the greatest information we ever had, but pass it along." "Oui, colonel." "A courier will meet me tomorrow or the next day." "We have a pretty hot contact," "General Wexler's aide." "He promised us something important next time." "Bonne chance." "Oh, one moment, Colonel, there is one more thing." "It concerns Louis and myself." "Me?" "Mm-hmm." "Would you two like to be alone?" "General De Gaulle has broadcast an important message to Frenchmen all over the world." "He's ordered that we pass it on." "What did he say?" "I wrote part of it down." ""We have reached a crisis" ""in the fight to regain our precious homeland." ""I now call upon Frenchmen everywhere." ""Rally to the tricolore." ""Come to England," ""and together as free Frenchmen" ""we will liberate our homeland." "France and I await you."" "Vive la France." "Vive la liberté." "Vive la France." "Vive De Gaulle." "Old Charlie sure knows how to get people home." "You off to England then, Marie?" "No, my work is here;" "I will stay." "De Gaulle does not need women." "That's new kind of Frenchman." "Mon colonel?" "Yes, Louis." "Marie stays, but I, Louis LeBeau, am going." "Vive LeBeau." "Vive la France." "You can't take off just like that;" "it isn't done." "Watch me." "Oh, come on, Louis, you know you'll miss us and the Krauts and the lice and the stinking food and the bloody awful weather." "What about all that?" "What about it?" "Need a man to carry your chafing dish?" "Hey, come on, look, buddy, you don't seem to realize, you've been fighting for France right here, right along with us." "True, I have done my duty here" "I have killed the enemy, sabotaged him, blown up his guns, been captured by the Gestapo, risked my life to defeat the Boche." "Now my own people ask for me." "Et voilà, it's time to go." "Louis, I don't blame you one little bit." "He has a point, Colonel." "Point is, you are fighting, Louis." "And what happens après la guerre?" "What?" "After the war." "I find a girl, get married, we have a child and the baby says to me," ""Hey, what did you do in the war, Papa?"" "And I must answer, "I made crêpes Suzette."" "Lie to the kid." "LeBeau, if you go, we'll have to tell Klink you've escaped." "Then his record is ruined." "The Krauts might replace him and really give us a hard commandant;" "then we're out of business." "Very simple, Colonel, replace me." "Find another Frenchman your size who can cook?" "That would be a problem." "Good luck with it." "Aw, come on, LeBeau, be reasonable." "We got this thing going with Richter." "So?" "The next time he comes to dinner with Wexler, he's going to bring us the West Wall underwater obstacle plans." "Oh là là..." "You don't care?" "Of course I do." "Write me all about it in care of the Free French, London." "I could order you to stay, LeBeau." "With all due respect, sir, you are a colonel, De Gaulle is a general." "He's also taller." "Don't you care anything about this place?" "Nothing." "All the fun we've had, all the laughs." "Ha!" "It's been hilarious." "Especially that time when the Gestapo had me strung up by my thumbs and was ready to torture me." "Everybody has bad days." "LeBeau, I'm really shocked by your attitude." "You're making it very difficult for me, Colonel." "I'm trying." "I realize that cooking for this Kraut general is important." "Without you, we haven't got a chance." "Voilà, I can solve the problem:" "Before I leave, I will teach one of the others to cook." "Are you kidding, LeBeau?" "You seem to miss the whole idea of the war." "We're fighting the Germans, not each other." "LeBEAU:" "All right." "Attention, écoutez-moi." "Come here, Peter..." "listen to me." "We are going to cook steak with sauce bordelaise." "Louis, I'll never learn about French cooking." "I don't even like it." "You can learn." "I get heartburn watching Maurice Chevalier." "Come on, let's give the little fellow a chance." "Merci, Carter." "Now, put some seasoning on it." "Let me see what kind of touch you have." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "This is wrong." "You have to use the seasoning with a delicate touch." "Now, in a case like this... a little salt... pepper..." "And when you are ready, your butter and parsley should actually dance across the meat." "And when you are finished, your meat will lie there like a sleeping beauty, waiting for the sauce to bring it to life." "Cockroach!" "Oui?" "Will you marry me?" "Are you joking with that?" "Well, all right." "So then he'll stay with me until it's safe to move him." "Good." "The sub's been alerted." "Contact them by radio, usual procedure." "Oui, Colonel, I understand." "Aah, this is one escape I don't feel good about." "C'est la guerre." "Right." "Another rotten thing to charge to the war." "I'm ready, mon colonel." "Marvelous job, isn't it, sir?" "He looks just like a Kraut traveling salesman." "Yeah, in small appliances." "( chuckling )" "Well, this is it, LeBeau." "Au revoir, mon colonel." "It's been an honor to serve in your command." "Yeah, yeah, thanks, and, uh, take good care of yourself, huh?" "Maybe we'll see each other again after the war." "Well, Andrew, I know you'll be a great cook." "Take it easy, buddy." "Good luck, Louis." "Hope to see you sometime." "LeBEAU:" "I hope so, too." "Bonne chance." "Peter..." "We're really going to miss you around here, you know." "Au revoir, mon pote." "Take care, huh?" "Au revoir, mes amis." "Don't forget to write..." "in code." "Au revoir." "Bonne chance." "Bon appétit, Herr Kommandant." "Ah, thank you, Schultz, thank you." "Mmm... ( gasps )" "It looks fantastic, huh?" "A little parsley garnish... lemon, pimento..." "Mmm... and the capers nestled in the lemon, huh?" "Mmm!" "Alles in Ordnung." "You won't believe it." "This is terrible." "The man who cooked this should get 30 days in the cooler." "60 is not enough, Herr Kommandant!" "Get the little Frenchman out here!" "Hey, Cockroach, come out here!" "You called, Monsieur Commandant?" "You prepared this?" "Oui, Monsieur Commandant." "Uh, it's called chicken à la princess-ee." "But how could you've..." "Wait a minute, you're not the little Frenchman." "No, sir." "But in high school, I took one year of..." "Schultz!" "Get Hogan in here at once." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "And you, take this away... and bury it." "Just as I said, Herr Kommandant, he's gone." "Escaped?" "!" "Impossible-- nobody escapes from here." "My guess is he went out hidden in one of the garbage trucks." "Schultz, it is your duty to inspect the garbage." "Herr Kommandant, the cockroach..." "I mean, Corporal LeBeau-- he is so small, he can hide in a potato peel." "Idiot, I have invited General Wexler to have dinner here next week and I have no chef." "Sergeant Carter could cook the meal for you." "He's coming along nicely." "I want to entertain the general, not poison him." "Schultz, sound the general alarm!" "Alert the troops-- shoot on sight." "That will be the end of our wandering Frenchman." "Also the end of your promotion." "They can bury LeBeau and the red stripe for your pants at the same time." "Nobody escapes from Stalag 13." "Red stripe?" "Cancel the shoot-on-sight order." "But I want a maximum search effort!" "We'll capture him." "Schultz, don't just stand there-- get on with it." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Oh, Schultz, before you start, uh, bring me back two poached eggs." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "And an order of toast." "And an order of toa..." "Out, Hogan!" "Oh, that Boche!" "I am to leave for England day after tomorrow," "Marie arranged it." "You're safe unless the Krauts search the area." "Why did this have to happen?" "Carter should have learned to cook by now." "You kidding?" "He can't tell the difference between caviar and K rations." "I will have to move from here." "When Marie comes back," "I'll find out if there's another safe place." "A shame." "The two of you are nice and cozy here." "She's been good to me." "Huh, a little romance developing?" "You can tell me, I'm a full colonel." "She's a beautiful, warmhearted woman." "She cooks for me, stands guard, worries about me." "You don't need a colonel;" "you need a chaplain." "Ah, I better get back to the mother ship." "Thanks for the warning, Colonel." "( coded knock at door )" "Marie." "Karl, what are you doing?" "Oh, Colonel Hogan." "Oh, bad news, Louis." "The Gestapo has picked up Marie." "What?" "!" "Well, she was coming out of a store, a Gestapo patrol was checking papers and they stopped her." "Where'd they take her?" "Gestapo headquarters." "They have called the Vichy Security Police for identification." "Karl, get a car, park it around the corner from the headquarters." "Wait a minute, hold it." "I'll get her out of there if I have to kill every Gestapo animal in the place." "Clever way to commit suicide." "Now, take it easy, Louis." "Oh, the Colonel's right, Louis." "You can't swing this alone." "Go in there like gangbusters, knock off a few goons, and they take it out on her." "I'll take that chance." "Will you calm down a little, Louis?" "Maybe we can work out something." "They called Vichy for identification." "They probably won't work on her." "Gives us a little time, a day or two." "Gives us a little time?" "Right." "If you're ever in trouble, call Stalag 13-- open 24 hours, we never sleep." "How can I ask you to take such a risk?" "Because I'm going to ask you something." "Anything." "Come back to camp and cook the meal for Klink." "And give myself up?" "You said "anything."" "You have my word you can go to England after we get the West Wall plans." "A deal?" "Deal." "MAN:" "Marie Bizet?" "We're holding her here." "Her papers, bitte." "Sergeant Duclos, Vichy Security Police." "And that is the order for the release of the prisoner." "We cannot release her without proper authorization." "We had no word from Berlin on this case." "Marie Bizet is wanted for sabotage against the Vichy government." "We are very anxious to question her." "I'm sorry, I can't help you." "( door rattling )" "Heil Hitler." "Heil." "Major Hoganburger, Berlin, Section 8." "We were on our way to Düsseldorf and had some engine trouble and..." "Wait..." "Have we met before?" "Sergeant Maurice Duclos, Vichy Security Police." "Liaison officer in the Marceau case." "It's a pleasure to see you again, Major." "Heil." "Steiner, you remember Sergeant Duclos?" "Yes, his face is vaguely familiar." "Abend." "Bonjour." "What are you doing so far from home, Sergeant?" "Orders to transfer a prisoner from here to Vichy." "Rotten work." "Perhaps we can have a drink together later?" "I would enjoy that, Major, but I can't leave for the moment." "I'm caught in red tape." "His authorization papers have not been properly countersigned, Herr Major." "What can we do about this?" "Perhaps I should call Berlin." "No, I don't like to get Himmler out of bed." "He needs his sleep and I need my job." "( chuckling )" "I'll vouch for Sergeant Duclos." "But, Herr Major, I'm afraid I can't." "The only thing you have to be afraid of, Captain, is a transfer eastward." "There's your counterauthorization." "Release the prisoner to Sergeant Duclos." "Unless you enjoy winter sports." "And how did you get out of the camp?" "That is what you're going to tell me-- how." "Is it true you hid out in one of the garbage trucks?" "Oui, one of the garbage trucks." "Merci, mon colonel." "Hogan, you were right." "Now, tell me, why did you decide to honor us with your return, hmm?" "I escaped on an impulse." "I had no money, no food, no place to go, no help." "You are breaking my heart." "All right, ten days in the cooler for attempted escape, sentence to start immediately after you cook a fabulous dinner for General Wexler." "When you want a favor, Commandant, you're irresistible." "That is an order!" "There will be a guard in the kitchen with you every moment." "Nobody stands guard over me when I cook." "You dare to defy me?" "20 days in the cooler on bread and water." "I cook alone or not at all!" "All right, dinner is off, sentence to start now." "Schultz!" "And so we say farewell, aloha, to the red stripe on Colonel Klink's pants." "Herr Kommandant." "Schultz, take this man to the kitchen... and leave him alone." "WEXLER:" "Fabelhaft!" "Another perfect dinner, Klink." "Ah, thank you, Herr General." "I am so pleased you're pleased." "Well, now I'm ready for a cigar." "Ah, have one of these, Herr General." "Danke" " I prefer one of my own." "Uh, did you bring them, Hans?" "Ja, Herr General, they are in my briefcase." "I will get it." "No, sir, please, allow me." "Stay seated, please, I need the exercise." "Could I help the general find his cigars?" "Out of my way, solider." "I said I'd get them myself." "He said they were in his briefcase, sir." "WEXLER:" "I don't see it." "Here we are, sir." "Ah, yes-- young eyes are always the keenest." "Thank you, sir." "Ah." "Psst..." "Kraut's gone." "I'll be back in a minute for the papers." "Oh, great." "By that time I should be conscious again." "HOGAN:" "Locations of underwater mines, anti-sub nets, obstacles," "West Wall fortifications, the whole bag." "Richter really came through." "Ah, that's great, Colonel." "You guys did a great job, too." "BOTH:" "Thank you, sir." "We'll see that it gets to London, Colonel." "Well, these are important enough to ask London for a courier plane." "Baker, make radio contact." "Will do." "Tell them that they'll have a passenger on the return trip, General De Gaulle's new cook." "No, Baker, wait." "I've changed my mind, Colonel." "I'm not going." "What?" "!" "What do you mean?" "Well, I have a responsibility here." "Without me, you'll all wind up in a Gestapo jail in about two weeks." "He's a cheeky devil." "He's right, this stuff proves it." "The way to a Kraut's briefcase is through his stomach." "But I don't want to be just a chef." "Oh, I promise, LeBeau." "We won't ask you to cook anymore unless it's absolutely necessary." "Merci, mon colonel." "Vive LeBeau!" "OTHERS:" "Vive LeBeau!" "Merci, merci." "What's our next job, Colonel?" "Well, how about whipping up some hors d'oeuvres to go with the champagne?" "Would you do that for your old mates, would you?" "Oh, you guys..." "Done nothing about it?" "Not even the possible list?" "I understand." "Danke, Major." "Sir, LeBeau's been in the cooler two days now." "Wexler has done nothing about my promotion." "I just don't understand what happened." "All that food, the wine..." "You picked the wrong man." "Obviously Wexler has no muscle in Berlin." "But he's on the promotions advisory committee." "About LeBeau, sir." "Maybe I should reach a little higher the next time." "Possibly Colonel General Flamm." "How about Göring?" "Old fatso appreciates good food, when he's not killing people." "Excellent idea, Hogan." "I'll put an invitation through channels immediately." "Tell the little Frenchman to start planning." "The little Frenchman is not about to start planning while he's in the cooler, sir." "Hogan, I'm still the commandant here, and LeBeau will plan the Reichsmarschall's meals anywhere I tell him to." "All right... when Göring wakes up in the middle of the night with heartburn, you'll be the worst insurance risk in Germany." "I'll see to it that LeBeau is released at once." "Colonel Klink..." "you're too kind."