"Hey, kate, guess what i am ?" "Does it begin with "couch", and end with "potato" ?" "Cheap shot !" "I'm a type "t" personality." "What is a type "t" personality ?" "According to this, a type "t" is a thrill-Seeker." "Someone who looks for danger," "Who laughs in the face of death -- Ha-Ha-Ha." "Is this the same person who watched "aliens" from under the couch ?" "I thought i owed one of those guys money." "Am i a type "t" ?" "Well, let's find out !" "Let's jump off the roof." "If you land feet-First, you're a wimp !" "I'll get the ladder !" "No one is jumping off the roof." "Let me know when you'll let your son act like a man." "Ow !" "Paper cut !" "Paper cut !" "**" "How was work, honey ?" "What are you doing in my bed ?" "Your bed ?" "It's half kate's." "Did kate say you could lie there ?" "Does that sound like kate ?" "Get out of my bed." "Now, that sounds like kate." "Alf, did you take my pillow ?" "Yeah, it's under my tushie." "Keep it." "Don't go." "I'm depressed," "And willie's kicking me out of bed." "I'm sorry -- I didn't know you were depressed." "What's wrong ?" "I was looking through my photos;" "Seeing all the adventures ..." "I used to have." "That's me climbing mt." "Floppy on the planet griphard." "Climbing ?" "That mountain looks flat." "It is flat !" "The planet is tilted !" "The planet is tilted ?" "That's amazing !" "Try playing golf there sometime." "You're lucky to shoot in the low 600's." "What are you doing in this barrel ?" "I was getting ready to go up widow-Maker falls." "You went up a waterfall ?" "Yeah, the ride was so rough " "I almost threw down." "You really did have a exciting life." ""Did" is the operative word." "Those days are over, ma chere." "You had a pretty exciting day yesterday." "How do you figure that ?" "You built that bonfire in our back yard." "And you got to see the fire engines again." "That gets old." "Right, willie ?" "No, i get a lump in my throat every time." "Look who i'm talking to about excitement." "I won't be put down by some guy ..." "Who climbed a flat mountain." "I know my life may appear routine," "But i've had my share of adventure." "I've lived "on the edge."" "That's right !" "When i was born," "We lived on the edge of bakersfield." "You listen to me, young lady." "There's plenty about me that you don't know." "Like what ?" "Nothing you have to know about right now." "Does it concern you wearing kate's red pumps ?" "No." "Why would you say something like that ?" "I'm an instigator." "Dad, tell us what you did." "No." "Please." "I really want to know." "Well, uh " "When i was 17, i hopped a freight train." "I took it across the whole country." "You're kidding !" "What did you do for money ?" "I did odd jobs." "I washed dishes." "I played the piano in a texas honkey tonk." "Does mom know about all this ?" "Yeah, but she doesn't like me to talk about it." "She doesn't want you and brian getting any ideas." "How come ?" "She doesn't want them hopping trains." "How come ?" "It's not something you want your kids to do." "How come ?" "It's just kate " "Laying down these arbitrary rules." "Well, that's kate for you." "Is this the kind of train ..." "You used to hop ?" "Well, the others were bigger," "And they didn't run around in circles," "But basically," "Yeah." "How'd you do it ?" "Well ..." "Here's what i'd do." "I'd case the yard, and hide until dark." "When my train pulled out, i'd make a run for it." "Did it ever get so dark," "You jumped on the wrong thing ?" "Like a bus or parade ?" "Try to ask sensible questions, alf." "Okay." "Which one is the kitchen car ?" "There wasn't a kitchen car." "I sat in a box car, and ate beans from a can." "That's how i got my traveling name." "Bean head ?" ""Boxcar willie."" "Wow, what a cool name !" "Can i have your autograph ?" "Well, i guess." "Are you sure you don't want to go to mother's with us ?" "Positive." "If dad doesn't have to go, why do i ?" "Because you're my son, and i can tell you what to do." "Well, there you have it." "What's this ?" "It's my autograph." "Alf wanted it." "It's for a friend." "We'll be back in a couple hours." "Don't get into any trouble." "Don't worry about willie." "I'll keep an eye on him." "I was talking to you." "I know.I was being playful." "See you later." "Bye." "Now's our chance." "Let's go down to the train yard." "We're not hopping any train." "I'm not talking about riding the rails." "I just want to see them." "Please, willie." "Please ?" "No, we can't." "All right, tell me when this gets annoying." "Sure you hopped a freight train -- Right." "I almost believed that." "Yeah, look at mr." "Excitement " "Forget it, alf." "It's not working." "Okay, i'll try something else." "Please take me to see the train." "I haven't had an adventure in a long time." "All right, maybe this will work." "Willie, i'm dying." "[ Cough, cough ]" "I've only got 24 hours to live;" "25, tops." "Okay, come on." "You bought that ?" "I bought the 2nd thing you said." "What was it ?" "I might want to use it again." "Bring a sweater." "Okay." "There's nothing like a train yard at night." "Yeah, it is peaceful." "[ Train whistle ]" "Aaaah !" "What's that thing ?" "That's the train." "It makes yours look like a toy." "Hey, who's there ?" "Uh oh, that's the guard." "The guy with the seeing-Eye dog ?" "Big deal !" "That's no seeing-Eye dog." "That's a doberman pincher." "Yikes !" "Don't let him pinch me !" "Alf !" "Hey, get away from that train !" "Alf, jump." "Run, boxcar, run !" "All aboard." "I always wanted to say that." "You got your wish !" "You got yours, too." "We're riding the rails !" "Ain't it grand !" "No, it ain't !" "The train's going too fast to get off." "You're acting like this is all my fault." "Isn't it ?" "I was hoping we could share." "Who's on "letterman" tonight ?" "Probably, teri garr." "Maybe, hopping the train was a bad idea." "Maybe ?" "Maybe " "What ever possessed you to do such a thing ?" "I couldn't help myself." "You made riding the rails sound so exciting." "Well, as long as we're here," "We might as well enjoy ourselves." "That's the spirit." "Let's crack open a can of beans." "We've got no beans." "This trip was totally mis-Represented." "Let's just look out the door," "And watch the world go by." "It's dark out." "Let's just stare at the darkness." "Stare at the darkness ?" "Are you a beatnik ?" "This was your idea to ride the rails." "Can't you try to make the most of it ?" "All right !" "I'll stare." "Litchfield ?" "Flatcar ?" "Is that you ?" "Willie, it's a hobo." "Hide me !" "I'm sorry.We're not litchfield and flatcar." "Don't be sorry." "They got no teeth." "Where's your buddy ?" "He's there behind the crates." "He's terribly shy around strangers." "I'm no stranger." "You are !" "I know everybody who rides the rock island line." "Mighty good line." "What ?" "Never mind." "You're a funny guy." ""Gravel gus."" "Willie tanner." "I guess you got your name ..." "Because of your voice." "No, the 1st six times i tried to hop a freight," "I landed face-Down in the gravel." "Oh-H-H." "It could be worse." "Ask "cesspool steve."" "Double oh-H-H." "You guys want some beans ?" "I do !" "I do !" "Aaaaah !" "A loose kangaroo !" "[ Scream ]" "Is he all right ?" "Well, he fell face-Down in a pile of gravel." "This is a fine how-Do-You-Do." "No matter what happens, i get no beans." "I'm really getting tired of you whining." "I'm getting tired of whining.So there !" "I won't mention how cold it is." "Thank you." "Can i put my foot under your armpit ?" "No !" "Aren't you cold ?" "Yes, i am." "Wouldn't you like to wrap your armpit ..." "Around my nice warm foot ?" "If we don't think about the cold," "It's not going to be so bad." "Fine, live in a fantasy world." "Whoa !" "Ow !" "I bumped my head." "Let me see." "Ow, you're hurting me !" "For someone who's traveled across the universe," "Had all kinds of adventures, climbed a flat mountain " "You are an incredible baby." "I never climbed mt." "Floppy." "I saw you in the picture." "It was taken at a carnival." "I stuck my head through a cardboard cutout." "It cost me a wernick." "A wernick ?" "That's $10 on melmac." "What about the picture of you in that barrel ?" "I payed a matter for it." "What's a matter ?" "I've got this bump on my head." "Ha-Ha-Ha !" "Good one, huh ?" "This was when you were dating rhonda ?" "Yeah, but there was no such thing as dating on melmac." "If you liked a girl, you took her to dinner and a movie." "It sounds like dating." "We called it "taking a girl to dinner and a movie."" "Just like there were no telephones." "They were called "those things on the counter that ring."" "Of course." "It's as plain as this "breathing apparatus on my face."" "That's your nose." "Why must you needlessly complicate everything ?" "Please continue." "I just started going out with rhonda," "When my planet blew up." "Unlucky in love," "Unlucky in armageddon." "I'm sorry, alf." "At least i don't worry anymore." "When my planet blew up, i realized one thing." "You have to live every moment to the fullest." "Look, willie," "That's where melmac used to be." "Where ?" "That spot where it looks like there should be a planet." "Look, a shooting star." "Make a wish." "Okay." "What did you wish ?" "I wished i had my planet back." "Oh, alf." "Cheer up, alf," "At least you know your friends are still out there." "Maybe you'll meet up someday." "Maybe you and rhonda will get married." "Yeah, i'm still young." "If i'm not married ..." "By the time i hit the big 4-0-0," "Then i'll panic." "I guess you always knew ..." "You'd get married and settle down ?" "Actually, i didn't think i ever would." "No luck with the babes ?" "I had girlfriends." "I didn't think i wanted to do ..." "The things my father did." "What was he like ?" "He was married, 2 kids, lived in the suburbs." "Wow, and you're his son." "I'm sorry, go on." "I wanted my life to be more exciting than his." "That's why i started riding the rails." "So, what happened ?" "I met a girl in colorado." "We were working in this restaurant." "She was saving her money to be an actress." "We started going out together." "Before i knew it, i fell in love." "I never knew kate wanted to be an actress." "It wasn't kate." "It was linda evans." "That's the truth." "Really ?" "You dated her ?" "Way to go, willie." "What happened ?" "She set out to find the footlights ..." "And i set out to find the sky." "Well, you married the right girl." "Linda's much too busy." "She'd never be home in time to tuck me in." "Glad you approve." "Kate's made me a very happy man." "Yeah, but you better face it." "You did follow in your father's footsteps." "But i found out there's a lot of adventure ..." "Out there in the suburbs." "There is -- Buying our house," "Our first christmas," "Seeing lynn come out of the delivery room," "Hearing brian say, "dad."" "What about that pesky alien ..." "Crashing through your roof ?" "That's certainly been an adventure." "Yeah, for me, too." "Willie, do you ever wish ..." "I hadn't crashed through your roof ?" "Never." "Thanks ..." "Dad." "Ha-Ha-Ha !" "Yeah." "Captions performed by captions, inc.Los angeles, ca" "Captions copyrighted by alien productions." "All rights reserved."