" Okay, we need to get some water." " Oh, I forgot to fill my water bottle up." "No, you don't need to." "There's meant to be a tank around here." "Oh, I'm sorry, Josh," "I'm just a bit nervous about everything." "No, it's all right." "We'll be fine." "Let's do it." "I'm just afraid we might have forgotten something." " That's all." " Nope." "One, two." "One, two, three, four." "Ooh, yeah." "Oh." "I'll be fine." "Yeah." "Ooh-ooh-ooh, oh yeah." "Oh, the good Lord knows it." "Oh, the good Lord knows it." "I left the bad behind." "I'll be fi-i-i-ine, oh yeah." "May the momma get another buck." "Fi-i-i-ine, yeah." "Left the bad behind." "I'll be fi-i-i-ine on mon's own." "Ma, Ma." "You don't..." "Don't feel like you need to fill out all the quiet space, okay?" "There's only five days of quiet space, okay?" "Sorry, just... try not to be the donkey to my Shrek, yeah?" " All right." " Okay." "Ma, are you okay?" "There's a big hill coming." "Do you want me to take some of your stuff?" "Ma?" "Hey, Ma." "Ma, do you need a rest?" "Ma?" "I'm sorry, Shrek." "I was just trying to give you some quiet space." "What are you making?" "Macaroni and cheese." "Oh, macaroni and cheese, yes, please, macaroni and cheese." "What a tease." "Macaroni." "That's beautiful." "Mac is back with cheese." "Yes, please." "Do you remember you when you were a scout?" "Yeah, of course I remember." "Did you get your mac and cheese badge?" "I got my camp cooking badge, yes." "Were you ever touched?" "Pardon?" "By a scout master?" "No." "No, I was not touched." "Why?" "Just thought maybe you had but nobody ever asked you about it." "No." "I was never touched." "And I was never touched as a kid." "People don't generally like touching me." "Oh, here we go about Patrick again." "No, we're not going about Patrick." "Patrick!" "Patrick!" "What a prick!" "Patrick!" "You're a prick teaser." "Actually, that's pretty clever." "Yeah." "Joshua, can you help your mother, please?" "Yup." "You know why I wanted to come on this hike, don't you?" "Mm, after Ginger killed herself, you couldn't stay in that hospital 'cause that's depressing." "But it's a horrible idea for you to be home alone so, here we are, in a creek." "Yup." "It's getting late." " Let's keep moving." " Yeah." " Like a shark." " Okay." "Stop it." "What are you reading?" ""History of Sexuality."" "You're reading an erotic book?" "No." "How much have you read?" "About half." "What's it about?" "I have no idea." "I don't know why she didn't tell me." "Okay." "We're talking about Ginger, yeah?" "I knew this would happen." "I am prepared." "I thought we were friends." "I just don't know why she didn't tell me." "I dunno." "You didn't tell anyone when you did it." "It's different." " How?" " I didn't plan it." "She planned it." "Okay." "She left me a note." "Okay." "I haven't read it." "Well, maybe the note will tell you why she didn't tell you." "She didn't want to tell me because she knew I'd stop her." "Yeah, wouldn't you have stopped her?" "Yeah, of course." "Yeah, so that makes sense." "It's just that I would have thought that she'd want to be stopped." "You never really wanted to be stopped." "It was different." "All right then." "You know I'm sorry about when I tried?" "Yeah, I know." " Okay." " Okay." "It's okay to be angry if you want." "No, I don't want to be angry, okay?" "I always assumed it wasn't about me." "Morning!" "Oh, God." "How are you awake?" "There's a side walk we can do today to a waterfall." "It's an extra seven kilometers." "Are they all drugs?" "No wonder our packs are so heavy." "Do you want to go?" "It's a lot of walking." "I don't mind." " Whatever you want." " No, I don't mind either." " It's up to you." " No, I don't mind." " Do you feel up to it?" " Just tell me what you want, Josh." " I want whatever you want." " Why can't you just tell me what you want instead of carrying on like everything you do to me is a big fat favor?" " Just trying to be easy." " Yeah, well, you're being a shit." "Alright, well, let's not go to the waterfall." "No, let's not go to the bloody waterfall then." "Yeah." "Fuck the waterfall." "Yeah." "Have you ever wanted to try and kill yourself?" "Oh, gosh." "No." " Not really." " Never?" "Um, there's been times where, like, I didn't want to feel anything anymore and it seemed like a nice idea but all those times, they passed." "Oh, okay." "Yeah." "So how did they pass?" "Um, well, I dunno." "Maybe "Everybody Loves Raymond" came on." "Maybe someone offered me pancakes." "I love pancakes." "But you never wanted to do anymore than that?" "Uh, oh, once when I was 19, I wrote a suicide note." "Oh, I'm sorry." "No, I don't think that's a big deal, is it?" "To want to kill yourself for an afternoon?" "That's normal." "As long as you don't actually try." "What did your note say?" "I can't remember." "Probably something very teen angsty." "You must remember what it said." "Okay, fine." "I remember but I just..." "I don't want to reflect on it." "I don't really want to reflect on any of the decisions I made as a teenager, to be honest." "What, like when you started dressing like Eminem?" "Yeah." "Or that shirt." "Do you remember that shirt you made and then you wore it." "It said, "Some people think that we only use 10% of our brains but I think we only use 10% of our hearts."" "Of our hearts." "Yes." "Insightful." "It's an insightful quote." "I was an insightful teenager." "Sorry, the beans." "Don't want to talk about it." "Lucky we're not sharing the same sleeping bag." "Not listening." "So you never have opinions on anything." "Like, I don't think I've ever heard you have an opinion on anything." "Oh, there's too many opinions these days, Josh." "Everybody seems to think that they have to have an opinion." "Okay, good, you have opinions on opinions." "Oh." "No, it's..." "I mean, it's fine if they want to have opinions." "And I do have opinions, by the way." "Maybe you've just never heard them." "Okay." "Well, let's play a game where I ask you about something and you have to have an opinion on it." "Yeah, okay." "Yeah, I can do that." "Okay?" "So, Mother, what's your opinion on "Australian Idol"?" "The judges are too mean." "Okay." "In the first two seasons but then they became, like, sickly nice." "I knew you didn't really want my opinion." "What about..." "God?" "Oh, well, I don't believe in God, but," "I don't like it when you go around telling people that He doesn't exist." " But He doesn't exist." " Why do you bother them?" "Well, the other day, a Christian politician said that God sent AIDS to kill gays." "I hate-I just-I think I'm allowed to rebut that." "Well, that guy sounds like an idiot." "You're allowed to bother him." "Okay." "Just, mostly I'm just surprised that God couldn't come up with a better plan than AIDS, you know?" "It's not very efficient." "It doesn't just kill gays." "No, it kills a lot of Africans but, you know, God is clumsy like that." "He's notoriously clumsy." "Also I don't understand, like, they got AIDS in the '80s, you know?" "It took God six days to make the universe and that long to come up with AIDS?" "Like, what was it about the '80s?" "Think he saw George Michael and was, like," ""No!" "This shit has gone far enough." "AIDS!"" "Not all Christians believe that." "It's just that one guy." " Yeah." " Jesus was fine with gays." "Was he?" "Yeah, like, he hung out with all those blokes who drank wine and washed their feet." "Is that a gay thing?" "Washing feet?" "I've never washed a foot." "Is that what you think we do?" "You think we wash feet?" "Let's swim, Josh." "Oh, God, no." "It's freezing." " I don't have any swimmers." " It doesn't matter." "You just go in your clothes." "It'll clean them." "Nah." "No, that is freezing." "Come on, it'll be fun." "Nope." "Don't want to." "You are giving me the shits." "I want to have a nice time." "Yesterday I was getting in trouble for doing activities just 'cause you wanted me to do them." "I just want you to want to do things." "I don't want to do a thing, you know?" "I don't know how to want to do a thing I don't want to do." "I know how to lie about it." "You told me not to do that." "Oh!" "Oh!" "It's fuckin' freezing." "Hmm." "Yeah, I said, right?" " Shut up." " I said, "It's freezing."" "Shut up!" "It really warmed up, Joshie." "Good." "Good." "I'm gonna go to the other side, okay?" "Okay." "Okay." "What's up?" "There's a snake, Joshie, there's a snake." " Where?" " Oh, my God." " It swam away." " Okay." "Good." "Good." "No, no, it's in the water." "Eugh!" "Freaky." "Well, how am I gonna get back?" "I dunno." "You just have to swim, you just have to swim back." "No, I can't do that." "Joshie, can you come and get me, please?" "How will that help?" "I can't do it on my own." "Come on, please." "I get in there, it's just gonna make a... double-size target." "Well, what do I do?" "You just have to swim." "You just have to swim back." "No!" "Okay, when I was a scout, they told us that snakes are, like, scared of people so if we just make some noise, you'll, like, scare it, it'll piss off." "Go away." "Go away, snake, go away!" "No, not like that." "You need to, like, on the ground, jump and stomp or something." "Oh, geez." "It's in the water." "Okay, fine, I'll come in and scare the snake." "Oy, snake!" "Snake, snake!" "Did you have to hit it like that, Josh?" "Yeah, sure." "I learned it in scouts." "Plus, there isn't a fuckin' one." "All right, okay." "The snake's scared." " Come in." " No, I'm too scared." "Fucking do it." "Don't you swear at me, Joshie." "All right." "Snake, get outta here, snake!" "Okay, what are you... keep going." "No, I'm too scared." "I'm too scared." "Oh, shit." "Okay." "C'mon." "Let's go." "Jesus Christ." "You're my hero, you know that?" "Yeah." " Am I your hero." " Sure." "Why not?" "You're my hero." "I don't understand how you never got angry with me." "I'm so angry with Ginger." "You're really stuck on this, yeah?" "Do you want me to get angry?" "Do you wish I was angry?" "I just want to understand what's going through your head, Josh." "I just try and understand when you do things like this that you're doing them because you're ill and then I don't get angry the same way you wouldn't get angry at someone with a cold for having a runny nose." "That's sort of unfeeling." "No." "I mean, like, sure, sometimes, I got angry, like, it seems like a pretty crazy way to get my attention but also I promise my anger just never felt like a priority." "I wasn't trying to get your attention." "Really?" "No, look, see, a psychiatrist I saw early on asked me if I was trying to get attention." "That really surprised me." "What were you trying to do, then?" "I was trying to kill myself." "Oh, yeah, of course." "I can't use attention if I'm dead, can I?" "The third time, you tried to kill yourself, there was, like, a day where we didn't know if your stomach had been pumped in time." "If it had been pumped in time, they assured me you would be fine." "But if it hadn't, you were gonna die slowly over two weeks." "Yeah, I know." "Yeah." "I just... you're my mum." "Yeah?" "Just imagine if I had to watch you die slowly over two weeks." "Watch you kill yourself over two weeks." "'Course, like, I was scared." "I was fuckin' terrified." "But then, when I found out you were fine, then I got angry." "That was an angry day for me." "And sometimes, when I call you at 2 p.m." "and you're still in bed, not working at getting better, then I get angry then, which I know is harsh because that's your disease." "It's very hard for you to get out of bed but if we keep excusing it because it's your disease, then you're never gonna get better." "No, I have tried to get better." "Sure." "Just don't do it again, right?" "Do you want some chili?" "Yup." "I brought a little surprise." "Mm-hm." " Is that marijuana?" " Yes, I always wanted to try it." "Where did you get that?" "Tom." "He rolled it for me too." "He's such a nice boy." "I don't really smoke it." "Oh, it's all right, lovey, I don't mind." "I know you smoke it." "No, I don't." "It makes me cough and it makes me scared." "Oh, don't be such a pussy." " A pussy?" " Yeah." "No." "I just-I'm worried we'll eat all the food, Mom." "We have rations." "Ah-ha." "Extra chocolate." "I thought ahead." "Oh, I don't know how that's gonna mix with your medications." "Jesus fuckin' Christ, Joshua." "I am trying to build a fuckin' bonding moment here." "It's just already so scary here." "All right, all right." "We're gonna need some water." "What?" "Nothing, it's nothing." "Here, don't hog it." "Don't hog it." "So when do I start feeling high?" "Now-ish." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Mm, that's good." "It's good." "Already?" "That was sudden, wasn't it?" "I'm having fun." "This is really fun." "Peer pressured into doing drugs by my mum." "This really is fun, Josh." "Why did you and Patrick split up?" "I don't want to go over it again." "But you really liked him." "Yeah, I was so happy." "My tummy felt so nice." "Sun was shining, you know, like, flowers were doing, like, flowery-type stuff." "Bluebirds were giving each other hand jobs." "It was good." "I don't get that." "What?" "Why were they giving each other hand jobs?" "It was a joke." "I don't get your jokes, Josh." "Yeah, I know." "You know, I can sort of see it from Patrick's point of view." "What?" "Well, it's hard to imagine you having sex." "Yeah, good." "You shouldn't be imagining it." "Because, you're bad at interacting with people when you feel self-conscious, that's all." "Suddenly, she has opinions." "Lots of opinions." "Still, you're always questioning things and seeking approval." "I don't do those things when I'm having sex." "Well, once I had to apologize but that was... that was warranted." "What'd you do?" "No." "No, I'm not telling you." "Ohh, I'm so sad, Joshie." "No." "I'm just not gonna talk about it." "Don't be such a baby." "I'm not a baby." "Not a baby." " I'm not a baby." " "I'm not a baby."" " I'm not a baby." " "I'm not a baby."" "You're a fuckin' baby." ""You're a fuckin' baby."" "It's our last day tomorrow." "Yeah, and we didn't see a Tasmanian devil or a wombat or nothing." "I'm really looking forward to the boat." "I'm looking forward to moving, not with my legs." "I'm gonna read Ginger's note tomorrow." "What do you reckon it'll say?" "I dunno." "Could be anything." "Hope it's a treasure map." "You may be bisexual." "No." "Gosh, you've really kept your hopes up." "Well, it's just that I've never understood." "You dated Claire for so long." "I just didn't know I was gay yet." "Well, what changed?" "I got older, you know?" "I got bored with girls." "And also, I just, at the time, I didn't want to be gay." "No one wants to be gay." "Geoffrey was so pretty." "He forced me to come to terms with it." "Well, did you enjoy having sex with girls?" "Yeah, at the time." "Well, doesn't that make you bisexual then?" "No." "That's a teenager." "Putting your penis anywhere when you're a teenager is fun." "Plus I tried to have sex with a watermelon." "I wasn't fussy." "I'm gonna go back to the mental home." "And get better." "Yeah, you have to, otherwise, they're gonna force you to stay in a public hospital." "Ohh, okay." "Yeah, that's a point." "No, I want to." "Great." "That's great." "I wasn't trying to hurt you when I attempted." "I didn't... it wasn't like Ginger." "It wasn't planned." "Okay." "Just hadn't been out of bed for two weeks so I hated myself so much" "I just thought everybody would be happy if I was dead." "I was trying to do you a favor." "Well, I guess that's... quite selfless of you." "Hah." "Ginger's note." "Okay, let's do it." "I thought we'd have a little ritual, like," "I'll read it out and then we can burn it and just let it go." "And keep moving like a shark." "Okay." ""Rose, you fat bitch."" ""Thanks for keeping me company." "Take care of yourself." "Ginger."" "That's it?" " Yeah." " Ah, it's hardly closure, is it?" "No." "No treasure map?" "No." "No." "We're not getting anything out of this." "Yeah." "All right."