"♪ Men. ♪" "Morning." "Oh, morning, Lyndsey." "Have you two officially met?" "We have, actually." "Remember when you were stalking Alan and you followed him to a restaurant to catch him with his whore?" "I was that whore!" "(laughing) Oh, my God." "That was you?" "Yes." "You know, I remember thinking," ""What is such a beautiful woman doing with Alan?"" "I thought the same thing about you." ""What are we doing with Alan?"" "And here I was worried you two would have nothing in common." "Care for a mimosa?" "Oh, no, thanks, I'm recently sober." "I'm cutting down on the self-destructive choices in my life." "Morning." "And she's down to one." "ALAN:" "Oh!" "Oh, this is so uncomfortable." "What?" "Well, I'm about to have breakfast with my current lover, my former lover, and my husband." "Oh, my God, I'm turning into my mother." "Well, to be fair, your mother slept with a lot more women." "Oh, hey, our, uh, three-month anniversary is on Valentine's Day." "What should we do?" "I don't know." "I was thinking we could get dressed up and put on some cologne and get some flowers and go to a romantic dinner..." "Ooh, I like it." "...with our girlfriends." "Our girlfriends?" "But it's Valentine's Day." "I can't believe I'm in a relationship with a married man." "Eh." "By the third time, you get used to it." "WALDEN:" "You know what, that's actually a really good point." "Since Louis' adoption's final, why are we still married?" "Uh, because we love each other." "See?" "They always promise they're gonna get out of their marriage, but they never do." "Alan, I want a divorce." "Wow." "Just get right to it." "Happy Valentine's Day to Alan." "Oh, come on." "This was never a real marriage." "And these aren't real tears, either." "I'm a stone-hearted bastard, too!" "You know what, Walden, you can keep him." "(sighs) All right." "I'll go get him before I find him masturbating in a pool of his own tears." "Been there." "Been there." "♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪" "♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪" "♪ Two and a Half Men 12x14 ♪ Don't Give a Monkey a Gun Original Air Date on February 12, 2015" "== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man" "♪ Men. ♪" "Can we make pancakes?" "Oh." "You know, I'm sorry, buddy." "I can't right now." "I'm k..." "I'm kind of busy." "Y-You remember how I told you that Alan and I aren't gonna be married anymore?" "(sadly):" "Yeah." "Are you sad about the divorce?" "No." "I'm sad about the pancakes." "Hey." "Oh, hey." "Great." "Uh, you know what, I'm working on our divorce papers." "I need you to sign right here." "What about dividing our assets?" "Well, we both get what we had when we came into the marriage." "So you get the house and the car and the billion dollars and the private jet?" "Yep." "And you'll get that shirt." "You know what?" "I'll go first." "You know, this isn't easy for me either." "Does the beach house and the private jet and the billion dollars make it easier?" "Duh." "But this is still the best relationship I've ever been in." "Hmm." "It's funny." "When Judith and I got divorced, she said," ""If you don't leave, I will kill you."" "I believed her." "Here." "Your turn." "I can't." "My hand knows it's wrong." "Your hand does a lot of things it knows is wrong." "Just sign it." "(sighs)" "(sighs) Good-bye..." "Dr. Alan Harper-Schmidt." "I hardly knew ye." "Thank you." "I really appreciate you doing this whole thing." "You know, in fact, I'd like to get you a gift to say thank you." "Well, that's very nice, but I didn't do it for a gift." "You're my best friend, and I would walk through fire..." "What kind of a gift are we talking about?" "Whatever you want." "Don't worry about the cost." "You deserve it." "Oh, wow." "This is exciting." "You're like a genie." "What do I rub to make my wish come true?" "I heard it." "Oh." "I-I already know what my wish will be." "You can't wish for more wishes." "Damn it." "So-so what are the limits?" "Are we talking a trip to Disneyland?" "More than that." "Owning Disneyland?" "Less than that." "I really want to own Disneyland." "Then the Little Mermaid can't tell me," ""Pictures with children only."" "Okay, I-I know my parameters, I just have to think about it." "Can I have a wish?" "I'll give you a hint:" "it's pancakes." "You know what, fine, I'll get you pancakes." "That's how it's done." "♪ Men. ♪" "I'm sorry, so, after living in his guesthouse for free for four years, your billionaire friend is granting you a wish?" "(scoffs)" "Just one." "(scoffs)" "This is so hard." "Yeah." "What do you get for a guy who has... nothing?" "No, I'm serious." "This is a very tricky negotiation." "He'll-he'll hate me if I ask for too much, but I'll hate myself if I ask for too little." "I mean..." "I'll hate myself either way, but I could be hating myself while Michael Caine is my butler for a day." "(imitating Michael Caine):" "Shall I bring the Volvo round then, sir?" "Okay." "What do you have so far, besides Michael Caine?" "Well, right now there's a range of things." "A new computer, a real bed, um, $10,000 to my favorite charity..." "Wow, that's very generous." "That was just in case somebody else saw my list." "Don't you think it should be something that lasts for a while, something that sets you up for the future?" "Uh, number five, penis enlargement." "Just promise me you'll pick something practical." "Right." "Right." "Practical." "Got to think practical." "Hey, um, if you had the right kind of saddle, could you ride a giant panda?" "♪ Men. ♪" "Don't peek." "I want it to be a surprise." "Please don't be a panda." "Please don't be a panda." "It's not a panda." "But that would be awesome." "Can you ride a panda?" "(scoffs)" "I wish." "Apparently it's animal cruelty." "PETA ruins everything." "Can I uncover my eyes?" "Uh, ooh, one second." "Is he getting naked?" "If he was, I'd be covering my eyes." "ALAN:" "Okay, open your eyes." "Wow." "What do you think?" "I think he should've gotten the penis enlargement." "This thing must have cost a fortune." "Oh, it's not as expensive as you think." "Plus, I traded in my Volvo." "Yeah, it paid for his first tank of gas." "You had one wish and this is what you asked for?" "Yeah." "Five people flipped me off on the way home." "It was awesome." "WALDEN:" "Oh, plus, you won't have to explain your relationship to your friends anymore." "Mmm." "They all ask," ""What are you doing with Alan?" But nobody asks," ""What are you doing with the guy in the Ferrari?"" "BERTA:" "Oh, wow." "Sweet ride, Walden." "Finally a car as pretty as you are." "It's actually mine." "There is no God." "Alan, we talked about this." "I thought you were gonna get something practical." "I thought so, too." "But Michael Caine is out of the country shooting a movie, so here we are." "Couldn't you have talked some sense into him?" "I told him to get whatever he wants." "Don't hate the genie, hate the wish." "Right now I hate the idiot who wasted it on a Ferrari." "Lyndsey, w-wait, wait." "We can take it for a spin." "I'll let you drive!" "Not a chance." "What the hell?" "I really thought she was gonna like it." "I know." "Me, too." "Hey, Berta, uh, if you had one wish, what would you get?" "Have you signed the divorce papers yet?" "I did." "Then I'm good." "Men. ♪" "Oh." "Hey." "Have you, uh, heard from Lyndsey?" "No." "I even pulled out the big guns." "I texted her a picture of my penis with a sad face on it." "Why would that work on her when it never worked on me?" "(door opens)" "Hey, Walden." "Alan, why did you send me your sad penis pic?" "I-I'm sorry." "That was for Lyndsey." "Come on, man!" "Grow up." "She's seen it in person." "Yeah, and it was sad then, too." "Yeah, well, that sad penis is driving around in a brand-new Ferrari." "Why can't you talk like a person?" "Wait, so you used your wish on a Ferrari?" "And how did Lyndsey feel about that?" "Well, she hated it, and I just don't know why." "I-It was like our anniversary lunch at Hooters all over again." "Don't you know anything about women?" "Uh, you and I dated" " I think you know the answer to that." "You had the chance to do something for you and Lyndsey, and instead you did something just for yourself." "WALDEN:" "You know what?" "This is my fault." "I gave you too much power." "You don't give a monkey a gun." "Did we learn nothing from Planet of the Apes?" "So how do I make this right for Lyndsey?" "Oh." "Maybe you could paint a smiley face on her vagina." "If she had one wish, what would it be?" "To be married to him." "Okay, that's probably true, but she can't have Walden." "(chuckles)" "And make sure she knows that." "But I think you might be on the right track that she would like a commitment." "Wow... a commitment." "(chuckles)" "For years, I-I felt I should marry Lyndsey, but, uh, it's never the right time." "Maybe now is the right time." "I just... wish I had the money for an engagement ring." "I'm not getting you an engagement ring and a Ferrari." "How 'bout a promise ring and a Beemer?" "♪ Men. ♪" "♪ Men. ♪" "Wow." "I've never been to a high-end jewelry store like this." "Really?" "Where'd you get your engagement ring for your ex-wife?" "Well, when I met Judith, I was working at a funeral home." "I'll let you figure out the rest." "(clears throat)" "(lock buzzes)" "I don't think I belong here." "You know, I-I feel out of place." "Just follow my lead, and keep it classy." "Hi." "Welcome to BJ's." "(muffled laughter)" "I'm sorry." "(both laugh)" "(laughing):" "Um, what does "BJ" stand for?" "Bountiful Jewels." "Oh." "You know, I..." "I love your ads." "Uh, uh, "Want a diamond, give a BJ."" "Uh, uh, how about this one?" "If you're gonna get down on your knees, you better be giving a BJ." "(both laughing)" "We've heard them all, sir." "So, what can we do for you guys?" "Uh, well, to celebrate our divorce," "I'd like to get my ex-husband an engagement ring for his on-again, off-again girlfriend." "Oh, and I might need your card, in case I propose to my girlfriend, his ex-girlfriend, our social worker." "Also, do you validate?" "We do." "So, what kind of cut were you thinking?" "Oh, well, a-a cushion cut is très in vogue right now." "Oh, on the other hand, ever since I was a little boy," "I had my heart set on a princess cut." "I think that she's asking what Lyndsey would like." "Oh, uh, right, um, uh, the bride, uh, Lyndsey." "Um, uh, well, you know, she has very common taste, so, you know, probably round." "Well, what do you think of these?" "They are both a minimum of four carats each." "Oh, and, uh, how much are they?" "Oh, dear Lord!" "I think I just dropped four carats in my pants." "Don't worry about the price." "Just get what you want." "Wow." "Lyndsey is very lucky to have a man like you in my life." "So, do you see anything you like?" "They all look good under these showroom lights." "I need something that looks good in a rent-controlled apartment in Van Nuys." "Then I suggest this one." "It's flawless." "Oh." "Well, I'll take it." "It'll remind her of me." "Why?" "Does the diamond fart a lot?" "I'll just go wrap this up." "Wow." "Wow!" "(laughs)" "It's really happening." "Yeah." "You're getting married." "I know." "I know." "Pretty soon, I'll be moving out of the house." "(laughs) I mean," "I certainly wouldn't expect you to let Lyndsey and I live in your guest room." "I mean, that'-that'd be ridiculous." "(laughing):" "Wouldn't it?" "(laughs)" "Wouldn't it?" "Hm..." "I have the house all to myself." "I hadn't thought about that." "ALL:" "Yay!" "Thank you." "Well, we should do this more often." "We never get together anymore." "Oh, we wouldn't miss your 50th birthday, here in the year 030." "Why are you telling us what year it is?" "I don't know." "I was just providing some context, in case people missed the subtitle." "Well, I really appreciate you all being here." "And, Louis, I'm glad you could take time away from college." "I wouldn't miss it, Dad." "Although, today is the big game between Jupiter State and Moon University." "Go..." "Craters!" "Wow." "Things sure are different in the year 2030." "Yeah." "Lots of things are different." "(sputters)" "BERTA:" "All right." "I'm out of here." "What?" "!" "No." "You're leaving?" "Yeah." "I want to get home and watch the series finale of The Big Bang Theory." "Matthew McConaughey is guest starring." "I didn't know President McConaughey could act." "We should really get going, too." "Yeah." "Oh, no!" "No." "Come on, stay, guys." "The-the..." "Wait, wait." "Why don't you..." "why don't you stay the weekend?" "I've have all these extra rooms." "God, Walden, I am a successful businessman." "I don't need to live in your house for free anymore." "I live in Lyndsey's house for free now." "Bye, guys." "Happy birthday." "Well, I guess it's just you and me." "And Louis." "WALDEN:" "Oh, yeah, but he's just a hologram." "I've got to go." "(echoing):" "It's pancake day in the cafeteria." "Now it's really just you and me." "Hmm." "You want some cake?" "Hey, babe." "Ready to go?" "I sure am." "Rain check on the cake?" "How the hell did you not age?" "I'm Michael Freakin' Bolton." "(laughs)" "And thanks for introducing us." "Mm." "Get out of my house, Bolton." "Bye, Walden." "Yeah, bye, Walden." "♪ When a man steals a woman. ♪" "Wait, no!" "No, no, no, don't leave!" "I don't want to be alone!" "I don't want to be alone." "Oh, Walden, what-what are you talking about?" "No." "You can't leave me." "I'll give you anything you want." "You can sleep in the master bedroom, and I'll sleep on the futon." "Just, you can't marry Lyndsey!" "Wait..." "you can't ask that of me." "I'll give you the house!" "What's your return policy?" "You can't give back a BJ." "Oh, God..." "I'm gonna die alone!" "Well, Walden, relax." "No, I can't relax." "I have seen the future!" "Ms. McMartin has beautiful new boobs, but I don't get the boobs." "Bolton gets the boobs." "And Louis-- he won't come home from Moon College!" "Oh, calm down." "Calm down, Walden." "Now, I want you to take a deep breath and tell me every detail about Ms. McMartin's boobs." "I can't breathe." "I need air." "(high-pitched gasping)" "Everything is spinning!" "My whole world is coming apart!" "Could you please buzz me out?" "(lock buzzing)" "♪ Men. ♪" "Hey, hey, don't beat yourself up about this." "I mean, everybody freaks out a little bit every now and then." "I mean, it's like..." "it's like when I, uh, lost Louis for two hours at the mall." "What?" "Uh, he found a Wetzel's Pretzel in the trash." "It was fine." "I'm sorry I caused a scene back there." "Everything hit me all at once, and I had this terrifying vision of the future, where I-I ended up all alone in this house." "Terrifying?" "Next to my mother dying, being alone in this house is my favorite dream." "Oh, it's just, when I think about the rest of my life, you're the one constant." "And I know" "I joke a lot about you moving out, but the only thing..." "worse than... you staying is you leaving." "Don't you think I'm scared, too?" "I mean," "I'm trading you for someone ten years older and a billion dollars poorer." "Don't put it that way in the proposal." "Good call." "See?" "I'm always gonna need you." "And look, it's not like I'm leaving tomorrow." "Plus, even after Lyndsey and I are married, we're still gonna see each other." "You mean it?" "Of course." "I gotta do something while Lyndsey's at work." "♪ Men. ♪" "Thank you both for inviting me to dinner." "Well, we just wanted to cheer you up." "I'm really fine." "I'm pretty used to Alan disappointing me." "That's Alan." "He disappoints us, then he redeems himself, only to disappoint us again." "Yeah." "It's the great circle of Alan." "Hello, Lyndsey." "Alan!" "Why are you dressed like the waiters?" "That's an unfortunate coincidence." "I didn't know the restaurant was gonna be this nice." "What's going on?" "Hold that thought until you hear this." "Um, everybody, this is Scott." "Uh, he is available for lessons at the Valley West Community College." "Uh, please inquire after the performance." "There you go, paid in full." "Now play." "(playing romantic melody)" "Lyndsey Ruth Anne McElroy..." "What are you doing?" "The right thing for once." "I've been in a lot of relationships..." "Oh, three of whom are at this table." "But none of them even come close to what we have." "From the moment I met you, I knew you were too good for me." "Oh, that's so sweet." "And so true." "Walden asked me to pick anything in the world that I wanted, and I pick you." "Ah." "Will you marry me?" "That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me, but I hope you didn't do anything as silly as waste your wish on ring..." "(gasps)" "I'm a princess!" "I'm a pretty, pretty princess!" "(yells) Is that a yes?" "Yes!" "Ah!" "(laughs)" "That is so sweet." "It's so beautiful." "So moving." "So... romantic." "In fact..." "Ms. McMartin, will you...?" "No." "Right, it's too soon." "Don't leave me." "I'm so happy." "This is really a new beginning." "It is." "We get our own place, our own things, new jobs..." "Oh, perfect." "Started the day with a Ferrari, ended it with a wife and a job." "♪ Men. ♪" "♪ Men. ♪" "Thanks again for the engagement ring." "Thanks for being such a great friend." "Oh, please." "You gave me a new lease on life." "I mean, after we lost Charlie, I thought we were done." "We?" "Well, you know, me, uh, Berta, Jake, my mom, Lyndsey, all the crazy characters who've walked into this amazing house." "Yeah, it's been a pretty wacky last four years, huh?" "Yeah. (laughs)" "Had a lot of laughs." "Imagine how weird it would be without the laughs." "== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man"