"Is this your stapler, Roy?" "No." "No, it's not." "I used it for one thing." "How many staples did you use?" "Six or seven." "One, two, three, four... five, six..." "Is that seven?" "Why do you need to know?" "I just do." "I need to know, you know I need to know, and you never count how many staples you've used." "Eight, nine..." "Oh, gonna have to do it in fives." "Five, 10, 15..." "Is that 20?" "There you go, Moss." "Awright, 'arry?" "See that ludicrous display last night?" "What was Wenger thinking, sending Walcott on that early?" "Fing about Arsenal is, they always try an' walk it in." "True." "See you later, Moss." "Mind 'ow you go." "What was that?" "What?" "You were saying football things, in a football voice!" "Oh, it's this new site." "It sends you a list of football phrases that you can use in normal conversation, updated daily." "It's great." "I only use it so I can say something to the postman." "It's got a pronunciation guide, or.." "pronunciation guide." "You can get it sent to your phone, so that even when I'm away from my desk I can still sound like I'm just a big, normal man." "45, 50..." "Oh, hey, Moss, send me a link for that, will you?" "Right, I'm off." "Bit early!" "Got a date." "Oh, right, with Michael?" "That's right." "Looks like a magician?" "Yeah." "What?" "He looks like a what?" "This is Michael, right?" "The guy that came in last week?" "He doesn't look like a magician." "Yeah, he does." "He does, doesn't he, Moss?" "Hmm?" "The guy that came in looking for Jen?" "Ah, Michael the Magnificent." "He doesn't look like a magician." "He does." "He doesn't." "He massively does." "He does, Jen." "Oh, shut up." "It's a lovely restaurant." "Isn't it?" "One of my favourites, actually." "One of the silly things I love about this restaurant, have you had a look at these salt and pepper pots, they're really beautiful." "There's something about the shape, and I'm probably a bit of a design freak but it's a kind of beautiful..." "What are they saying that could possibly be that funny?" "I'm funny, why can't I be over there making them laugh?" "They're proper men, Roy." "We're men." "We're proper men." "What's so different about us?" "Seven, 14, 51, 35, 42," "49, 35..." "Seven..." "'Did you see that ludicrous display last night?" "'" "..21, 28..." "Oh, referee - oh..." "Did you see that ludicrous display last night?" "What's Wenger doing sending Walcott on that early?" "The thing about Arsenal is they always try and walk it in." "Exactly." "Dan." "Roy." "But Chelsea, on the other hand, I like them suddenly." "Yeah." "Chelsea?" "You're having a laugh int'ya?" "I'll put money in it if you like?" "Nah, I've already got a pony on Liverpool, so I probably won't see that again." "Dan, Moss." "Moss, Dan." "Nice to meet you, son." "Want a drink, boys?" "We'll get this." "Nah, it's on me." "Whatever these boys are having." "Here he is." "Roy, Moss, Derek, Luke." "Moss here fancies Liverpool for the weekend." "Liverpool?" "You're having a laugh int'ya?" "He's put a pony on it!" "A pony?" "Yeah, I know." "Tell Barry!" "Tell me what?" "He's only put a pony on Liverpool." "You lunatic, eh?" "So, who do you support?" "Who do I support?" "Yeah." "West Ham." "Did you say West Ham?" "Is that all right?" "All right?" "What does that look like?" "A birthmark?" "Look on his face!" "Look on my face!" "Roy, can I have a natter with you?" "It's about private man's business." "I'm sure you boys will understand." "Excuse me, please." "I'm a little bit scared, and I want to leave." "What?" "We're in too deep, Roy." "I'm worried they're going to find out" "I don't know what a pony is." "We should go." "I'm not going anywhere." "I haven't paid for a drink all night, and besides, once you get over the whole football thing, they're actually surprisingly easy to talk to." "Maybe we're proper men!" "Look, we're messing with stuff we don't understand." "We're through the looking glass." "Just promise me you will not let this get too far." "I promise." "Hooray." "He's kicked the ball." "Now the ball's over there." "That man has it now." "That's an interesting development." "Maybe he'll kick the ball." "He has indeed and apparently that deserves a round of applause." "Will you shut up!" "This is the worst thing in the world." "What could I do?" "He bought the tickets on the phone when we were in the pub." "I could hardly say no, could I?" "Can I use this?" "I don't know." "Oh, they're singing!" "Maybe we should!" "Just promise me we won't do anything else with them," "I want to go back to being weird." "I like being weird, weird's all I've got." "That and my sweet style." "OK, look here, we'll make our excuses when the match is over." "How long do football matches last?" "A billion hours apparently." "Gonna play poker tonight, you game?" "I'm in." "Moss?" "I won't Dan, no." "Come on." "No, no can do." "I'm seein' a bird." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, why not." "What's she like?" "Well, she's, er, not much to look at but she is very kind 'arted." "So as I say, I've gotta vamoosh." "What, you're not watching it?" "They're 'aving a larf today." "We're winning." "No, they're having a larf." "Morning." "Oh, my word." "When did the English start drinking like that?" "You people drink like you don't want to live." "We do love to binge." "What happened to you?" "I've got Cockney neck," "I've been speaking too much Cockney and it's done my blooming neck in." "Oh,heresheis." "Debbie McGee." "Morning, all." "I'm off to break up with him." "What's wrong with you two?" "We've been hanging out with men." "Why are you breaking up with him?" "Why?" "What do you mean why?" "Because he looks like a magician." "Doesn't he, though?" "Oh, he totally does." "And ever since you two said it I haven't been able to get it out of my head." "So thanks, thanks a lot." "Another one bites the dust." "You're not breaking up cos of that?" "!" "I can't be seen with that...mentalist." "Do you know what he does for a living?" "He is a driving instructor." "A driving instructor who looks like a magician." "It's preposterous." "That's almost the worst look a driving instructor could have." "So distracting." "Only clown would be worse." "Mmmm." "Or mountie." "So, how was your night of poker with the boys?" "Yeah, good, good." "I mean, I didn't..." "I wasn't brilliant at the start because, you know, I was mostly vomiting." "Lovely." "But then I knuckled down and I brought my "A" game and, er, things got a lot better." "That's good, how much did you win?" "Er, no, no, I lost £200." "But it's less than I usually lose, so..." "Still, £200 though." "Mm, but listen to this, Dan let me off." "He just totally let me off." "Proper men are so cool." "They just don't care about money." "Hello." "Where's my facking' money?" "I want that money, give me my money." "Oh, really?" "I'm only joking, you muppet." "Ha-ha!" "Oh!" "You're funny." "'Oi, listen,' a friend of mine's let me down." "Can you meet me at lunch?" "Yeah, OK, OK." "What's your address?" "Here he is." "Hiya, Dan." "You got here." "Oi-oi, boys." "All right, mate." "All right?" "You all right?" "Yeah, er, pretty good." "Oh, hey, sorry again about last night." "Nah, don't mention it." "Listen, that favour, you wouldn't be available to do a little taxi job would you?" "You want me to drive?" "This?" "Yeah, yeah, I suppose so." "I wouldn't bother you with this, but someone's let me down." "It should only take a couple of hours." "It's no problem." "Oh, is it an automatic?" "Cos I can only drive an automatic." "Oh, it is an automatic." "I'm your man." "Oh, and you're sure that everything with the money is OK?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "This makes us totally quits." "You, sir, are a gentlemen." "This guy, huh?" "Here we go." "Pull over here, Roy." "OK." ""You have reached your destination."" "All right, everyone." "Take your time." "Oh, hey, how do you get the radio to work?" "Ah, I've got it, got it." "Oh, I love this one." " Yeah?" " Hey, man." "All right?" "Hey, do you want to meet up after this?" "Yeah, nothing's happening here." "The guys have this, er, lockup down by the gas works on Newcombe Road." "The gas works?" "Is there anything about them that's not manly?" "Jesus!" "Moss!" "Jesus Christ!" "What?" "What is it?" "There's a robbery!" "Across the road, right here." "There's a robbery." "There's some blokes in balaclavas." "Wow!" "They're, they're totally robbing this place." "Call the police, call the police." "Yeah, bye." "Police, please." "Yeah, hi, I'm on Denbury Road and there is a robbery taking place right now." "Three men, indiscriminate race, balaclavas, big guns." "Yeah, OK..." "Oh, my God, they're coming out." "They're coming out, OK, they're coming out." "They're running towards us." "They're running towards the car." "They're getting..." "DRIVE!" "Okey-dokey." "Straight ahead." "OK." "Yeah, go on, keep going, mate." "Right, swing a left here." "Right, drive up those ramps there." "Right, drive up the ramps into the truck." "Come on, Roy, quickly!" "Yep, okey-doke." "Come on!" "I'm climbing onto the truck." "Am I on it?" "Am I on it?" "I can't see." "Oh, no!" "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry." "What's the matter with you?" "Get driving, man!" "Just get it up!" "Up, up, up, up we go into the truck." "What's that?" "Is someone crying?" "No." "Did you see that ludicrous display last night?" "What was Wenger thinking bringing Walcott on that early?" "The thing about Arsenal is, they always try and walk it in." "But why?" "I don't understand," "I thought it was going so well." "Was it something I did?" "No, no." "It's hard to explain." "Tell me, Jen, for God's sake." "You owe me that much." "You look like a magician, Michael." "All right?" "I'm sorry, but you do." "I didn't notice at first, but then someone mentioned it and now I can't get it out of my head." "But I'm not a magician." "I know, that's why it's not good that you look like one." "Well, what is it, exactly, about me?" "It's everything." "There's nothing about you that doesn't look like a magician." "It's everything." "Don't you see it?" "Don't you wake up every morning and look in the mirror and think, "Christ, I look like a magician!"?" "No." "Well, you should." "I would, if I was a weirdy, beardy magiciany man." "I'm just trying to help you, Michael." "So it's over because of that?" "I don't see any way past it." "It's weird, it's weird for me." "I'm sorry." "No, wait." "Maybe we can think of something." "What if I actually learned some magic tricks?" " What do you mean?" " Perhaps if I learned some tricks, it wouldn't feel so strange that I look like a magician." "You'd have to learn a lot of tricks." "I mean, you'd basically you'd have to actually become a magician." "Do you really want to make that kind of commitment?" "What was all that about?" "We was stitched up, they knew we were there." "Oh, shut up, Barry." "It was always a possibility, that's why we had the truck." "We were barely out of there before the bill turned up." "Someone grassed us up." "Oh, is that the...?" "Oh, I've got to go, I don't want to miss Gok's Fashion Fix." "Yeah, you're too quick to trust people." "What do we know about this bloke?" "How do we know he didn't do it?" "Because he didn't know about it till this afternoon." "I didn't know about it till this afternoon." "That's why I chose him to do it after you shot Derek." "That's why he chose me to do it after you shot Derek." "Hello." "Hiya." "You remember Moss?" "So, tell me all about the big robbery." "What?" "Roy saw a robbery." "Did you phone the police like you said you would?" "I didn't say that, I said I was listening to The Police." "Look at all that money." "I wonder how much is there?" "Oh, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven..." "You and your bloody great ideas." "I mean, who's this bloke?" "All we know about him is he supports West Ham." "Or maybe that's a lie too." "Hey, hey now, little man." "You can stand there and slag me off all you like." "But don't you start talking about how I feel about my beloved West Ham." "Cos I love 'em." "I love 'em gooners." "That's bloody Arsenal." "Look, if you've got a problem with him, you've got a problem with me." "You're fucking right I have!" "Excuse me, I am trying to concentrate over here." "And will you watch your ruddy language?" "My ears are not a toilet." "Derek was right about you." "What are you after?" "My piece of the action?" "You want to end up in the boot with Derek, son?" "Do you want to make one?" "Yeah, I'll make one, mate." "I'll make one right now." "Oh, yeah?" "Let's have it." "Don't you mug yourself." "Let's have it!" "Don't mug yourself!" "I need to know how much is there." "No, you don't." "We need to get out of here, OK?" "We do not want to get mixed up in this." "What are we going to do now?" "Quick." "Get out of the way, you bloody poof." "OK, let's go." "Couldn't we have just have hidden behind those bins?" "I suppose." "Right, let's go." "So, er, if you just place these back into the pack." "Just pop it back in, that's it." "Sorry, I'm a bit nervous." "And before your very eyes, I shall do the magic shuffle." "And, er - ignore that - this will go in here and Bob's your uncle, abracadabra, is this your card?" "No, Michael." "I'm sorry, Michael, it's over." "I better make sure she's all right." "Anyone see the final last night, eh?" "Fuck off, Harry." "50, 100, 150, 200, 250, 300, 350, 400, 450, 500, 550, 600..." "I think my dentist lives near here, do you know him?" "That's a stupid question - why would you know him?" "It's not like you live in the truck." "So, what sort of truck is this?" "Are there different sorts of trucks?" "Is that a stupid question?" "Listen to me chatting away like Stephen bloody Fry." "Who closed the door?"