"ANNOUNCER (V.O.) At Mega-Melt's Sizzling Hot Plates... we know you want your fajitas... extra steamy, with extra sizzle." "That's why we've got the hottest plates in town!" "Come on down and try one of our fiery flaming fajita platters!" "Guaranteed to melt your heart, and scorch your taste buds!" "Mega-Melt's Sizzling Hot Plates..." "Sizzle is our bizzle!" "Hey, what the..." "I definitely ordered before that dweeb." "Aw yeah!" "Sir, I must warn you, this plate is extremely hot." "Shut up, nerd!" "All right, just..." "just sign right there." "All right, sign right there." "And... sign right there." "You know what?" "We'll do that another time, if that's okay." "Alrighty then, we all set?" "Whoa, what's your rush there, champ?" "You just made your first child support payment." "You get visitation rights." "Visitation with Charlotte?" "When?" "Today, 3:00 to 8:00 PM." "I don't know what the heck to do with a 15-year-old girl." "Well, I got pamphlets here... to tell you what not to do with a 15-year-old girl." "Read that, it's great." "Uh..." "I'm gonna be honest with you." "I'm a little low on funds right now." "Vernon, I'm gonna take off my friend hat for a little bit... here and I'm gonna put on my hard-ass hat." "Your visitation is a right, we know that." "But it's also a privilege." "And it's a privilege that can be taken away from you... faster than you can say Mitchell Doily." "Will you... will you say Mitchell Doily?" "Mitchell Doily?" "Ah, that's cool... you said my name." "Anyway, yeah, one bad word from your baby momma... and that's it, kiddo." "Which means you drop 'em off, or you pick 'em up one minute late and that's it, you know?" "You might never see your daughter again." "Hm." "Whoa... heavy!" "Friend hat back on." "Come on, get out of here, go live your life, you crazy nut!" "And don't be late!" "Seriously... seriously, don't be late." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hey, man." "VERNON (OVER PHONE) Hey, Walt." "What's going on, big dog?" "I just had the craziest dream, man." "Great!" "Can't wait to not hear about that." "Hey, I just found out I'm supposed to hang out... with Charlotte today." "Don't suppose you can spot me a little cash... so maybe I could take her out to lunch?" "Sorry, man, I'm a little low on the U.S. currency right now." "I guess I'm gonna have to get creative then." "Thanks, bud." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "RADIO HOST (V.O.) Welcome back to Paranormal Pick-Me-Up!" "Where we delve deep into questions... most people just don't want to ask." "RADIO HOST (V.O.) We're talking to a caller... in Kentucky with a confirmed Squatch sighting." "This guy witnessed all the classic signs... of Squatch activity!" "Broken trees, animal carcasses, and a strong, pungent odor." "CALLER (V.O.) I don't think there were animal carcasses." "RADIO HOST (V.O.) Oh, I bet there were!" "CALLER (V.O.) Yeah, I guess there coulda been." "My man... it's Vernon." "STARMAN (OVER PHONE) Vernon Brown?" "I thought you were dead!" "Yeah, my recent incarceration... has put a dent in my performance schedule." "Yeah, I really need you to find me a gig, Denny." "Eh, I told you, you call me Starman, all right?" "'Cause you are a star, and I am your man." "VERNON (OVER PHONE) Well, my man..." "I need to bring in some fast cash." "My current gig doesn't exactly have the best tips... if you know what I'm saying." "Well, I've got a Quinceañera in Bowling Green... that's looking for an Elvis." "You speak that Espan-yo?" "Not gonna work for me, hoss." "Seems I can't cross state lines for a little while." "You know, I'm just gonna have to work my magic, then." "But I got you, okay!" "You just sit back and you let the Starman drive." "You're gonna love this one." "Dad!" "I told you, I'm doing business in here!" "This is not your office, Denny!" "This is the model R.V." "Which I can get you in for zero percent financing." "And you're supposed to be selling it... not filling it with the stench of failure and Nachos Supremos." "I told you, you know, those are Nachos el Grande, Dad." "And I don't need to sell your stupid R.V.'s!" "Because I'm gonna make it in the music business!" "Let's just step outside." " I'm so sorry." " You don't support me!" "(KNOCKING)" "You hurt my baby... and I will make sure you can never have babies again." "Well, howdy, don't you girls look pretty today." " Bye, Mom." " You ready to go, Charlotte?" "It's gonna be fun." "You'd better act responsible, Vernon and have her back here... no later than 8:00 o'clock, or I will call the police." "Baby, you just text me if you need anything, okay?" "(PHONE CHIMES)" "No, I can't get you out of it, all right?" "But it'll be over soon." "Oh, you're a gentleman, since when?" "Well, Debbie, I don't believe we've ever had the chance... to go on a proper date, but I'd be happy to change all that." "Us?" "Please, just so happens, I have a date tonight." "Ronnie's taking me to a fancy dinner." "He is?" "Yes, he is." "That's nice." "No wonder you're wearing that pretty pink lipstick." "♪ I'm a firecracker You better back up off ♪" "♪ Because I'm a firecracker Yeah I'm about to go off ♪" "♪ Because I'm a firecracker Y'all gonna lit my fuse ♪" "♪ I'm about to blow it up I can't lose I refuse ♪" "♪ Because I'm a firecracker ♪" "You're taking me out on a date." "And it better not be where we always go!" "Cool." "I know just the place." "Really?" "That's right." "Well, hell, I'm gonna wear my good shorts!" "♪ Because I'm a firecracker Yeah I'm about to go off ♪" "♪ Because I'm a firecracker Y'all gonna lit my fuse ♪" "♪ I'm about to blow it up I can't lose I refuse ♪" "(COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "All right!" "I love this tune!" "Not your thing, huh?" "What kinda music you listen to?" "Nobody you've ever heard of." "Now, come on, try me." "You might be surprised." "I know a thing or two about music!" "I've never listened to your stuff, not really my thing." "We don't even need music, really." "We could just talk!" "Get to know each other." "You ready to have some fun?" "Yeah... in three hours and 45 minutes." "Ouch." "See?" "Just take that, put it in there." "Pull it back, aim and fire." "Rock and fire, as they say." "Ah, you hit the table." "Whew!" "Dare to be dazzled, girl." "Got 'em!" "Two crawdads, one cup!" "Woo-hoo!" "That sh[BLEEP] don't happen by luck." " Woo-hoo!" "Yah!" " (TIRES SQUEALING)" "Woo-hoo!" "Are we having fun yet?" "Woo!" "Hear ye, hear ye." "This meeting of the Paranormal Men's Society is now in order." "Hey, before we get started..." "I had some pretty compelling thoughts on..." ""Non-standard Uses of Aluminum Foil" from last week's..." "Yeah, yeah, hold on there, Walt." "Because we have a last minute addition to the agenda." "Who ordered the steak?" "Yes, that's for the table." "Table steak is not a thing." "Stop ordering it." "Sorry, I'm late!" "I got a grappling hook stuck in a tree." "Did we kick him out yet?" "Dammit, Kenny, you just stole my moment!" "What?" "Nothing." "Just go get the urine for the chupacabra stakeout, okay?" "Yeah, those chupacabra are coming... across the border in droves." "That's right, thanks, Obama." "Yeah, thanks, Obama." "Just go." "We're kicking you out, Walt." "Why?" "You shot a lumberjack in the neck with a tranq dart, dude." "It was an honest mistake." "He looked just like a Squatch!" "P.M.S., we have a reputation to uphold, okay?" "I got the deer urine." "Watch the steak." "It's gonna be a good stake-out tonight." "Look, Walt, we can't have you be a part of our group anymore." "Okay?" "You're making us all look crazy." "This is ridiculous." "Just... all right, please rise for the Dismemberment Ritual." "All right, forget it, forget it!" "Just please sit for the Dismemberment Ritual." "Just give me the scissors." "Come here." "Wouldn't it just be easier if I..." "Ssh!" "We're in a ritual right now." "You can no longer be a part of the unexplained." "Go." "Be understood." "All right!" "Are we here?" "Can I take the blindfold off?" "No, no, no, not yet!" "Let me get the door for you, honey!" "We made it." "Dammit, Ronnie, I can smell the fah-jeeta meat." "After you, my lady." "I don't know why I washed my hair." "Welcome to Tepid's Lukewarm Grille!" "The only reason you love this dump... is because they give you free food for life." "Well, they did burn my fingerprints off pretty good!" "Least they can do is give me some free food." "Oh, um, excuse me, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you... to put that shirt back on." "I'm gonna have to ask you to put that shirt back on." "Um, that's Ronnie." "He doesn't have to wear a shirt since the "fajita incident."" "Hello, Ronnie." "Oh, my god, I learned about you in orientation." "Time out." "What's that buncha dweebs doing in my booth?" "Uh... it's her first communion." "If you could maybe make an exception..." "We gonna have a problem?" "Put your hand up." "Put it up!" "Bring it down." "Bring it lower." "Hee-yaw!" "Now imagine that... was your face." "I'm sorry." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Starman!" "Tell me something good!" "STARMAN:" "My tests came back mostly negative." "I meant about me." "Oh, right... no, got you." "I got you a gig." "Great!" "When?" "Uh, ten minutes." "Oh, c'mon, man." "I'm a little tied up right now." "It's a helluva gig." "It's at a supper club!" "I mean, you don't want to miss it." "No, seriously, please don't miss it." "I really..." "I did you a solid here." "All right." "Hey, let me ask you something." "How pissed will your momma be... if I get you home just a little late?" "You must really love jail." "You might not want to tell your momma about this part." "Is that guy... dead?" "I believe he might be." "There he is!" "My money-maker!" "Did you book me a funeral?" "No!" "Of course not!" "A funeral, that's about death." "This is a biker wake." "It's a "Celebration of Life!"" "You, my friend, are set to make a pretty penny here." "What the hell am I doing in this joint?" "Oh, c'mon, Vernon!" "What, do you really want to deny Spider... his last, final, dying wish?" "Plus, I brought you a surprise!" "You take that off the king himself?" "Naw, let's just say I borrowed it off a mannequin... outside of Memphis." "Just for you, hm?" "Uh... excuse me!" "Thank you!" "Nice." "Looks like I'm driving." "Let's go get you suited up, Vernon." "Say, is there any chance I could get my cut up front?" "Hey, I gotta go to work now." "So I'm gonna set you right here beside this nice lady." "You seem very... protective." "C'mon, Vernon, let's go, buddy." "Protect her, please." "[VERNON] Thank you!" "Hi." "You want me to pierce something?" "[DEBBIE] I mean, what could Vernon possibly know... about being a father, anyway?" "I'm the one who raised her." "Day-in and out, while he was romping all over the country... snorting who-knows-what off of who-knows-who... all while Charlotte's bawling her bald, little head off... and vomiting on my favorite LA Gears." "Bless her little heart." "I guarantee you she is having the worst time... ever and cannot wait for it to be over." "Ah, babe, you're ruining' my food mood here... and you know I wore my fat pants." "I didn't come here to talk about Vernon." "I've got something else on my mind." "Is it about boats?" "No." "Okay, then fine, what is it?" "Never mind." "Here we go!" "Two sizzling fajita platters." "All right!" "Feel free to touch your skillets as much as you want... with no risk of physical injury." "(SIZZLING NOISE)" "Brenda, could you turn your sizzle down?" "I can't hear myself think!" "Oh..." "[DEBBIE] Thank you." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hi, there." "Dale, right?" "I just wanted to come by and apologize for... shooting you in the neck with a tranquilizer dart." "My friends are right, it was a stupid thing to do." "I thought you were a sasquatch." "You probably think I'm crazy." "You're not crazy, man." "Thank you." "Really means a lot." "RADIO HOST (V.O.) This guy witnessed all... the classic signs of Squatch activity!" "Animal carcasses. (ECHOING)" "Broken trees. (ECHOING)" "And a strong, pungent odor." "DALE (V.O.) You're not crazy." "Spider, he was a rider." "Yeah!" "He was a warrior." "Yeah!" "And we can all agree, he was a freaking angel... on the dance floor." "Amen, brother." "No one could take six bullets to the face like Sp..." "Spider said if he was ever gonna leave this earth... he was gonna get sung out by Johnny Cash." "Johnny Cash was booked this week... but he also kinda liked Elvis, so..." "let's bring him out!" "No... way." "Hell, if your daughter wasn't sitting here..." "I'd throw my panties at you!" "But I am, so please don't." "Oh, I ain't wearing no panties." "Hey, I'm sorry those people wanted all those encores." "You okay?" "What time is it?" "Oh, uh..." "I actually don't know, um..." "Crap." "Uh-oh, I'm in big trouble, ain't I?" "Vernon, you get over here!" "Oh, man!" "I could kiss you... but I do have this little predicament on my lip... hasn't quite healed yet." "Anyway, it's payday!" "Wish you'd a showed up a couple hours ago." "I had to find out the hard way that catching crawdads... ain't the daddy-daughter good time I thought it was." "Say, Vernon, I never knew that you had a daughter." "Believe me, neither did I." "Hey, baby... you wanna give me a private encore?" "Ma'am, I am truly flattered... but I gotta get this young lady right here to the house!" "Come on, baby, we gotta go." "Nah, we got time." "Say, has anybody ever told you... that you could definitely pass for a young Tanya Tucker?" "Hey, it's 8:30, we're in big trouble." "Your momma's gonna kill me." "We gotta get out of here." "Get all your stuff." "Let me see if I got you..." "What are you grinning about?" "Did I miss something?" "Don't worry, I texted mom." "Wait a minute, that mean you covered for me?" "No, I covered for me." "But it was fun watching you sweat." "Goodnight, Charlotte, I had fun." "You've got quite the young lady there." "See, that's what I was doing while you were out... flushing your career down the toilet." "Well, you did a great job bringing her up." "Thank you." "Are you looking at my boobs?" "Was I?" "Well, I reckon some things were meant to be appreciated." "How was it...?" "Was it bad?" "Was he awful?" "Eh, he wasn't terrible." "What do you mean, it wasn't terrible?" "What'd you guys do?" "I don't know, Mom, it was fine." "Was he responsible?" "Yes." "Why are you wearing lipstick?" "Don't you worry about me." "You just get to your homework, Missy." "Whatever you say."