"DEE:" "My apartment is not a spa." "FRANK:" "Dennis and I are gonna take a soak." "You and Dennis are going to bathe together?" "It's that Turkish bath thing." "What are you worried about?" "Not worried about anything, but my apartment is not a" " Turkish bath, okay?" " Well, you know, this is" " Dennis's apartment now, too." " No." "No, goddamn it, it's not, all right?" "Mac and Dennis do not live here." "Just..." "Sick of you guys doing your stupid shit in my place." "(all grunting rhythmically)" " What the hell is this?" "!" " MAC:" "One more!" "Wah!" "CHARLIE:" "Stop!" "(whooping, glass breaking)" " Hey!" " Oh!" " Good set, boys!" " What are you doing?" "Oh, Dee, this is Joe-Joe, Tiny, Charlie you know." " I don't care." " Together, we are Ass Kickers" " United." " Oh, you guys, come on, please, I don't want you doing your weird routines in here!" "It's not a routine, Dee, and there is nothing weird about this, okay?" "Ass Kickers United is a way of life, based on the life improvement teachings of the" " Master." " What kind of cult shit is" " that?" " No, no, it's not a cult," "Frank." "The Master is the only human to ever achieve enlightenment through the way of the warrior." " Stop, two, three." " One, two, three, four." "Stop." "Come on!" "Goddamn it!" "Frank, I can't get this fight milk out of the goddamn couch!" "Oh!" "Shit!" "It burned a hole in the cushion!" "That's probably the crotein." "Don't get that on your skin!" "DENNIS:" "Oh!" "Frank, Frank, sorry I'm late, man, but, uh, good news." "I brought checkers." "Oh, what's up, Dee?" "I got dominoes, and what the hell is going on?" "Your place looks like shit." "What happened?" "Yeah, yeah, it does." "I'll tell you what happened." "Mac and his goddamn Ass Blasters Incorporated were in here" " jerking around all day." " Mac, Charlie and a bunch of" " goons started a queer club." " Hmm." " They got a newsletter." " Oh, shit." ""Ass Kickers United"." "Oh, my God." " What?" " Dee, Mac didn't start this club." "I did." " What are you talking about?" " Yeah." "I, uh..." "I just made this shit up about Ass Kickers United to get Mac to stop eating" " my thin mints." " Huh?" "You know how Mac is all irritating and shit?" " Of course." " The worst!" "Right, well, he was doing all this irritating shit, and he was driving me crazy." "Worst of all, he was eating all my thin mint cookies, and, so, you know, playing on Mac's physical insecurities, I decided I would get in his head a little bit, so I created this Master character, all right?" "I typed up this newsletter, which was, you know, mostly about fitness and, like, just kicking ass at life in general, just kind of speaking Mac's language." "But mostly, I was speaking of the dangers of consuming too many thin mint cookies." "And I'll tell you, man, it worked like charm, 'cause he stopped eating thin mints almost" " immediately." " That is extremely impressive." " Oh." " Dennis, I missed most of that last part." "Run it by me again." "Frank, I just spoke for five straight minutes." " I'm not doing it again." " Dennis started a cult." " No, I didn't start a cult." " Yeah, sure sounds like a cult." "Hey, I got a great idea." "Why don't you type up another newsletter and tell Mac and his dumb-dumb friends to go and fix up your apartment, right?" "That way, you guys can get the hell out of my place." "Or maybe get some broads involved." "Cults are great for attracting new-age tail." "No, guys, you can't go straight to fixing apartments and getting young, new-age tail." "You can't do that." "That takes years of brainwashing." "But here's the problem." "If you don't do that and write the newsletter and fix up the apartment, then I'm just gonna" " rat you out." " No." "Come on, Dee." "I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to." "You know why?" "'Cause I'm up to here." "All right, I've had a very bad day, all right?" "!" "I'm at the end of my rope, if" " I'm being honest." " Okay, okay, Dee, calm down." "All right, look, I'll test the waters a little bit, okay, see" " if we can get 'em there slowly." " Maybe you can get 'em to eat a shit sandwich." "That would be fun." "Why the would I...?" "What?" "!" "No, this isn't about fun." "This is about... it's about thin mints, goddamn it!" "Right?" "And the reason I'm so good at this is because I take it seriously." "Now, just watch and learn." "Listen up!" "According to the Master, guys, we're not getting enough vitamin D, so, these stickers harness the power of the sun and deliver it directly to our bodies, okay?" "And, apparently, guys, there's another exercise." " Yes, sensei!" " Yeah!" "All right, now, they're called hammer jerks, and it's sort of like a... hammer, then you bend." " Mm-hmm." " Then you snap, then you jerk." " Ow." " Then a hammer." " Hammer." " Ow!" "Bend." " Bend, snap." " Damn it." " Jerk." " Oh, yeah." "Hammer, bend, snap, jerk." "Hammer..." "I can't believe they went for the sticker thing." " Thank you." "Thank you." " Okay, so, time to dial it up a notch." "Let's put 'em to work and get" " 'em to your apartment." " Yeah, we can't just dive into that shit." "We talked about this." " It's a slow burn." " They're wearing sticks on" " their heads." "They're there." " Look, look, look, stop." "You guys are going crazy." "You're gonna blow the thin mint thing." "Will you just trust me?" "I got this." "I am the master." "I'm gonna get you what you want." "You just got to let me do my" " thing." " That-that-that sounds good." " Mm, yeah, okay." " You gonna goddamn blow this for me?" "No." "You're gonna blow the thin mint thing?" "No." "(keyboard keys clicking) - "The Master sayeth." Mm-hmm." ""Kicking ass in life is all about drywall."" " And pussy." "Put "pussy"." " Goddamn, Frank, don't say" ""pussy"." "It's disgusting." "I'm not putting it." ""To be a total badass, you must learn carpentry."" " Hmm." " "Fixing apartments is what" " you must do."" " And buy Wolf Cola." " Let's make some coin." " Okay." ""And buy Wolf Cola, the only cola for true refreshment."" " That's good." " "Splash into the beast."" " Mm-hmm, that's great." " I know it is." "Cool it with the jerky, will you?" " You're driving me nuts." " Now, put-put bring pussy." " Now, put it in." " Goddamn it." "All right, fine." "Hey, listen, this is what I'll do." ""Ladies are now mandatory." "Each of you dick bags must recruit at least one woman." Should we put anything else?" " Make 'em eat a shit sandwich." " What is it with you and the shit sandwich?" "Do you really want to see somebody take a roll and stick doody in it, and then they put it in their mouth?" "God, you are so gross." "Okay, so, how much for the" " Wolf Colas?" " Five bucks a piece." "Okay, great." "Ma, how many you want?" " I'll take three." " Okay." "And Mrs. Mac?" "(coughs) She'll have one." " Huh?" " One." "Any more caffeine than that, and she will not stop talking." "Really?" "Oh, kind of want to see that." "Hey, Charlie, can I talk to you for a second?" " Yeah." "What's up?" " Um, does all this seem kind" " of strange to you?" " Huh?" "Uh, oh, you mean, the" "Wolf Cola thing?" "Yeah." "I was wondering." "Like, how does the Master know about Wolf Cola?" "Oh, he's an aficionado of all beverages." "He's gonna know the finest of colas." "Oh, oh, you mean, the carpentry thing." "Yeah." "No." "Throughout history, uh, Ass Kickers have always known carpentry." "Jesus Christ, Harrison Ford." "Right, okay." "What are you talking about?" " The women." "The women, dude." " Oh." "This is supposed to be a men's club, you know?" " Who wants that around?" " Oh." "Uh..." "I don't know. (chuckles) I'm kind of cool with it." "Also, I don't ever remember anything in the newsletters" " about no women." " It could not have been more" " clear:" "No women, no gays." " I don't ever remember you" " reading anything about that." " It was implied, okay?" "Look, in these kind of texts, you need to be able to in-infer what's be..." "Look, I'll explain it to you later." "I think I'm just gonna..." " I needed some time off." " Whoa." "Hey, man, you can't take a day off from kicking ass, okay?" "Look, an Ass Kicker must be present every day." "An Ass Kicker must do the exercises." "An Ass Kicker must avoid thin mints." "I know the rules, okay?" "I don't need to..." "I'm gonna go." "I'm gonna go." "I'm just gonna go." " You're just gonna go?" "!" " I mean..." " I mean..." " Okay, I'm taking the men with" " me, and Frank's got the women." " Oh, cool." " Are you an Ass Kicker now?" " I'm an Ass Kicker now." "Sweet." "All right." "Who signed you up?" " The dumb one." " Oh, Tiny?" "No, no, no." "The one eating paint chips off the wall." "(crunching) It tastes like paint." "Uh, yeah, those are paint chips there, pal." " These are?" " Yeah." " Oh, they're delicious." " Yeah, that's the good thing." " Let's go." " All right, let's go." "Hey, we're gonna, uh, go swing some hammers." "Oh, you guys are so great that you do construction." "I mean, this is just gonna be easy-- just slap a couple coats of paint around, maybe a couple of new doors." "You're gonna be in and out in a few hours." "(gasps):" "Oh!" "Wow!" "Shit." "Whoa-ho!" "No wall!" "That's... pretty awesome." "Okay, boys, let's get to work." "Look, I do construction for a living." "I mean, I thought Ass Kickers was just some sort of fun workout club-- you know, like..." "CrossFit." " CrossFit." " Hey, man, you don't want to take this seriously?" "Hey, that's fine." "Why don't you give me those stickers back, then?" "Uh, no, I'm coming down with a cold and I need mine." "Did you do, like, your deer antler spray?" " Some." "But I'm running lower." " Have some of mine." "Here." "All right, you know what, I overreacted, boys." "I overreacted." "I snapped at you, and the Master wouldn't like that." "And I'm sorry." "I think maybe this is my mission and my calling, so why don't you guys find some other mission and I'll handle this one, okay?" " Thanks, Charlie." " All right, cool." " Good luck." " Thank you." " Goddamn it, Charlie." " It's fine." "You know, the guys have been working their asses off." "I got this." "Look." "Dee, the Master says fix it... (sighs) I'm gonna fix it." "♪ ♪" "Frank, is that you?" "I missed you in there, pal." "Still pretty steamy, though, if you want to hop in and..." " What the hell's this?" " Just watching a little TV." " Are those Thin Mints?" " Oh, yeah, big time, dude." " I love these things." " I notice, uh... you look a" " little out of shape, there, bud." " I am?" "Yeah." "Yeah, and it's a shame, too, because you've been looking so great lately." " So sexy." " I was?" "Yeah, so to see this is just disappointing." " To me, but you know..." " This disappoints you?" "Yeah." "What-what are you doing?" "You taking a day off or something, is that okay?" "I'm sure the master allows for that, though, right?" "Well, I'm not really sure about that." "Oh, you're not sure, yeah." "Did the master not make that crystal goddamn clear?" "In all those newsletters?" " Was that not clear?" " I didn't..." "I didn't read" " into it like that." " Wow, wow." "I mean, I haven't read the things, but I've just... you guys have been telling me and..." "Thin Mints, from what I understand, that was a whole thing." "I think that was, like, rule number..." " Oh, shit." " I... yeah." "I-I..." "I may have..." "I messed up a little bit." "I hope he doesn't notice the fat that I'm noticing sort of accumulated all over." "But hey, maybe he won't notice." " I noticed, but maybe he won't." " Y-You don't think he would," " or..." " No, I think he will." "Uh, do you mind if I use the computer?" "I'm just gonna grab this and take it over here for a little bit, okay?" "Mmm." "...and snap it back!" "Bend and snap." "(grunts) How's that neck, Cindy?" "Everything good?" "How are the muscles?" "You feeling okay?" "You may want to soak 'em a" " little bit." " Actually, I feel great." " Oh, you feel great." " Frank, I'm in tremendous" " pain." " I'm not talking to you." " I'm talking to her." " I can't breathe." "Oh, she needs a cigarette break." " Could we stop, please?" " I don't care what she needs," "I'm not talking to you, do whatever you want." " I'm trying to hurt her." " What?" "Uh, well, it's... it... you have to tear the fascial tissues in order to tone the muscles properly." " According to the master." " Oh." "Okay." "So you bend and you snap." "But snap your head back." " Bend... you see it?" " Frank..." " And snap!" " Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank." " We need to talk." " Uh, yo, Cindy, you keep" " working." "Go ahead." " Yeah, okay, you got it." "Hey, listen." "We gotta make a bit of an adjustment." "Tiny and Jo-Jo, they don't want to do the construction, so I was looking into what cults do to force people into labor when the mind tricks don't work, and one of them was a personality test, right?" "You basically just get a bunch of dirt on people and you hold" " it over their heads." " So, blackmail." "Yeah." "♪ ♪" "So this is a basic personality test." "It's really simple." "It just measures the amount of guilt stressors that you're feeling." "You know, I took it, and I just... it's changed my life." "(whispering) Yeah, Dee, what... what are" " guilt stressors?" " Oh, great question, great question." "Apparently, secrets and lies lead to guilt stressors and that's not good, you guys." "You know why?" "It impedes muscle development." " I have read that." " Oh, really?" "Yeah, yeah." "Well, it's science." " Oh, shit." " Yeah." "It does sound like good science." "So you guys just hang on to that machine and talk about all" " your regrets." " And what are regrets, again?" "Y-You just talk about things you feel really guilty about." " Oh." " Oh, okay." "Uh, okay." " Do you want to..." " Yeah, I'll go." " Dee, where do my feet go?" " Oh, it doesn't matter." "Okay, uh..." "I ate a baby toad once." "I'm not proud of it." "It just kind of happened." "It pains me to think about how scared and confused it was and wondering, "Why am I not home, and why am I in some sort of" " acid pond..."" " Okay." ""...that's burning my skin?" And what if it was looking for its mother?" "It was just a baby." "Oh, yeah, I got an idea." "How about we let one of these" " guys, uh, give it a shot." " Oh." "Are you sure?" "'Cause I don't really feel better, but..." "I'll go." "Yeah." "Where do my feet go, Dee?" " Dee, his feet?" " It doesn't make a goddamn" " difference." " I ate a toad, too." " Oh, God." " Really?" " I did." " Am I good, am I good?" " Yeah, yeah." " Okay." "Go ahead." "(Cindy exhales)" " Oh, I feel the burn." " Yeah, how's-how's the neck" " feeling?" "How's the neck?" " You know, it's not bad." " It's actually a little tight." " It's a little tight." "Well, how 'bout if we hop in the healing pool..." " Okay." " ...and I'll give you some touch therapy, so you don't seem too weak for the master." " Yeah." " Yeah." "I don't suppose that could hurt." "No, that won't hurt." "(meditative music playing)" "(Frank chuckles) Oh, shit." "Oh, hi." "The water's wonderful." " When did you get in here?" " Oh, you don't mind that we came in first, do you?" "There's plenty of room." "No, how long are you gonna be?" "(groans) Oh, man..." "Well... she thinks she has a tear in her uterine wall, so it" " might be a while." " All right." " Let's-let's go... (muttering)" " I'm gonna go do a few more sets of kettlepops while, uh, running the block a few times." " Yeah, nice." " Don't want to disappoint the" " master." " Mm-hmm." " You want to come?" " Go, you go get yourself good" " and banged up." " Okay." " Oh, yeah..." " Guys, guys, guys, there's been a mistake, a terrible mistake." "I got a new newsletter from the Master." "There's gonna be no more women, no more Wolf Cola and no more carpentry in Ass Kickers United." "This has all been a test designed by the Master to figure out who the true believers are." "I passed, you failed and that's why I'm going to level two." "(Dennis grunting) Oh, also, uh, Dennis will be level two as well, but he'll be directly under me." "Wh-What?" "Where'd you get that from?" "Uh, it was implied in the newsletter." " No." " Well, how is Dennis in level two?" "Or an Ass Kicker, for that" " matter?" " Oh, he bought in." " He... bought in?" " Come on, Ass Kickers, let's get out of here before we're tainted by this disgusting" " woman." " All right." "Crazy." " Cool!" " Failed that test." "Kick some ass, huh?" "Go kick some ass!" "(chuckles) (Frank grumbles)" "Thought you could outmaster the Master, idiots?" "So you swayed 'em back." "Uh, whatever." " We can do that, too." " Do you think this is easy?" "You need years of practice to even sniff my talent for manipulation." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a cult that needs a charismatic leader." "(chuckles) Yeah." "Goddamn it, Frank." "Goddamn it!" "No." "No, we cannot let him get away with this." "No, this is about something different now, something much" " more important." " Shit sandwich?" "What?" "Why?" "What is that?" "No." "God." "No, this is about control now." "This is about control and it's about beating Dennis." "I know exactly what we need to do." "(snoring)" "(quietly):" "Deandra, we're all set." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " He's out?" " He's lit." "I have so much alcohol, and I gave him three bottles of Fight" " Milk." " Whoa." "That's a lot." "Okay, you ready?" "Got your cards?" "Okay." " Okay." "Here we go." " (eerily):" "Charlie." " Charlie." " Say it louder." " Charlie, wake up!" " Huh?" "What's... what's..." "What's happening?" " It is I... the Master!" " Am I dreaming?" " You're having a vision." " Am I peeing?" " Uh..." "(whispering):" "Is he peeing?" " Just read the card." " You and the other Ass Kickers must con... con..." "What's that word?" " Congregate." " Congregate, what does that" " mean?" " It doesn't matter, just say it." "...congregate." " What does that mean?" " Oh, God." "You know what?" "Just..." "Hey, Charlie, hey." "Get all the Ass Kickers together and meet at Mac and Dennis's apartment, okay?" "Lord Zolo is gonna get you on" " the mother ship." " Lord Zolo?" "Charlie... you've graduated to the next level." "Congratulations." "And your reward is to get to know all the secrets of the universe." "He's gonna put all those brains in my head." " Sweet." " Yeah, there's just a few" " things you have to do." " Okay." "I'll do them." "I'm peeing." " Uh-oh." " Oh..." "Hey, you guys ready..." "Holy shit!" "Whoa!" "What the hell happened in here?" "Hey, do you like it?" "Yeah, well, before Master Rex said that we weren't supposed to do carpentry, I talked to Tiny and Jo-Jo and they got their construction crew in here." " There's a wall." " Oh, you're goddamn right there's a wall." "I'm good." " Dennis is gonna shit his pants." " Yeah... why?" " What are you good at?" " Good at my..." "I'm a good person, and you know what?" "It's time to... to do the plan" " that the master laid out." " I'm gonna take Tiny in the other room and make the pods ready." " Come on, Tiny." " Oh, we got pods?" " Yeah." " Of course we got pods." "Lord Zolo's gonna take you guys on that mother ship with him, you need pods." "Am I right, Master?" " Do-Do I get a pod?" " Okay, guys, guys, guys..." "We got a... wow." "Holy shit." " That's a wall." " Yeah." " This place looks great." " You're goddamn right this" " place looks great." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty impressive stuff, Dee, but, uh... it doesn't seal the deal." "Guys, I've got an announcement to make." "Yeah, we've got some big news here." "The Master texted me while we were on our way over here." "Oh, interesting." "Uh, I wonder how it's possible that the Master could've texted you when he's been here with us" " the whole time." " Rex is the Master?" " That makes so much sense." " Yep." "Yes." " Oh, my..." " Of course I know that Rex is the Master, and of course I would never question the word of someone so... wise." "But I actually got a text from the Supreme Overlord Master." "And that's Rex's master." " Oh, shit." " "Oh, shit," is right, you guys." "That's the... he's the big guy." "He sits right at the tippy-tippy-top, and he made it very, very clear to me that all of you are going to need to..." " commit suicide." " I knew it!" " The final circle." " Yeah, okay, sure, but hang on a second." "Can I please talk to you for" " just a quick second?" " Sure, sure, sure." "Now, why don't you guys get yourselves all lathered up in lighter fluid and, uh, you're gonna get ready to light yourselves ablaze." " All right." " Thank you for trusting me." " Yeah, of course." " I did it." "I won." "I am the most charismatic leader." "I got Tiny to eat a shit sandwich." " Ugh!" " Oh!" "(Dee sputtering) I got him to eat a poopy." "You idiot!" "I got these guys to think they were going to another dimension." "I'm the winner." "Are you kidding me?" "They were gonna light themselves on fire for me." "I'm the winner." " Oh..." " Guys, guys, hang on a second." " The winner of what?" " The... the Ass Kickers, okay?" "The winner of the Ass Kickers." "It-it's mine, it's not theirs." " What?" " It's mine, it's... the whole" " thing's made up, I made it up." " Master Rex, is this true?" " Oh, don't ask Rex, what...?" " The fire is started." "Thank you so much for trusting me with this." " This is good-bye!" " No... goddamn it, no!" " No, man, don't do it!" " Oh, shit!" "(Jo-Jo screams) Run!" "We'll get you some help, okay?" " We'll call the fire department." " Yeah." " Oh, God." " Yeah." " And then we'll go to Dee's." " Yeah, right?" "No, no, can't we go anywhere else?" " No, Dee." " What if the Supreme Overlord tries to contact us?" "He has to know where we are." "Yeah, exact-exactly." "All right, well, at least he's" " on the mother ship now." " Oh, my God!" "Unbelievable!" "Come on, let's go." "(Jo-Jo screaming)" " Good luck, Jo-Jo!" " Thank you!" "(screaming) ♪ ♪"