"[MUSIC PLAYING]" "Say you could pick any superhero to be your dad." " Who would you choose?" " Batman, no question." "Live in a cool cave, borrow the Batmobile." "He lets Robin hang out with him and play with all his stuff." "And Robin's not even his real kid." " He's his ward." " How do you get to be a ward?" "Batman?" "Is he faster than a speeding bullet?" "I don't think so." "Is he more powerful than a locomotive?" "Uh-uh." "I'd Want Superman." "Sees through walls." "You'd never get away with anything." "Because I'd make somebody a very cool ward." "I'd like to have Superman for a dad." "Hey, there's Minkus." "Ow." "Whoa!" "The 2000-X Hydro-Saturator." "Careful." "If Feeny sees this baby... on school grounds, he'll shag it... and I'll have to sit out the water wars." "Gentlemen, meet the Hydro-Sat 3000-Z." "Blow your head clean off." "The 3000?" "That's not even supposed to come out till Christmas." "I know a guy." "You really shouldn't do that." "What, are you going to melt?" "No." "I'm going to retaliate." "Go ahead... make me Wet." "Wise choice." "Ah, who needs one of those?" "For your information, a well-placed water balloon... can give you just as much splash for your cash." "Like everyone's gonna have a humongous water gun." "How are you?" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Stop!" "I'll get one!" "I promise!" "Oh, my G..." "I'll get one!" "Stop!" "I promise!" "Mr. Matthews... the drinking fountain is not a toy." "[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "Hi, hon." "What's horrible?" "Hmm." "The plumbing in the boys' bathroom is leaking again." "I'm on it." "You are an amazing guy." "Hey, Dad, how about some quality time with your son?" "I can't." "I'm spending some quality time with your toilet." "But you just got home from work." "Hi, Mom." "Wow, dinner smells terrific... and that thing you're wearing is really lovely." "What is that, a dress?" "Oh, Cory, what a lovely and sincere compliment... and I just know that you wouldn't spoil it... by asking me for something." "Eerie how she always knows, huh?" "What, do all women have antennas... hidden somewhere on their bodies?" "I don't know." "None of them Will let me look." "Look. ok, look, say you're in the kitchen... and the living room burst into flames." "Why?" "I don't know." "Maybe lightning hit it." "Why?" "Because it was attracted by the metal plate in your head." "And you can't escape 'cause your legs are broken." "What will you do?" "Why are her legs broken?" "Because she tripped over your dead body." "Cory, spit it out." "What do you want?" "Just a water gun." "You know... so you can put out that fire in the living room." "Fine." "I'll buy you a water gun." "Cool." "Here's the brochure." "Color chart's on the back." "How much do these things cost?" "How can you put a price on the safety of your family?" "$50?" "$49.95...plus tax, but..." "I'll take my chances with the lightning." "Come on, Mom." "You and Dad blow that much money on food every week." "Your bathroom sink doesn't leak now." "Wow, Dad." "You fixed it all by yourself?" "Yeah, and your toilet... doesn't do that geyser thing anymore, either." "You never cease to amaze me." "How much do you figure you saved on a plumber?" "What's he want this time?" "A $50 squirt gun." "A $50 squirt gun?" "No, really, what's he want?" "Dad, we're not talking an ordinary squirt gun." "We're talking the Hydro-Sat 3000-Z." "It's the big boy on the block." "That's nice, Cor." "Pretty steep, though." "Maybe for Christmas." "Hey, great, a water gun in December." "I'll be the little boy spreading pneumonia." "If they can't afford to buy toys for three children... why did they have three children?" "Leave me alone." "I'm trying to put Heather in my watch." "What?" "I can't get it out of video baseball mode." "[BEEPS BASEBALL CHARGE]" "Hey, how'd you get Mom and Dad to buy that for you?" "I bought it for me." "I cashed my first week's paycheck... went down to the mall." "Welcome to the wonderful world of stuff." "Mom and Dad just let you buy that?" "Yeah, they said it's my money." "I can buy anything I want... except that "Buns of Steel" video." "Eric, you know, I'm thinking." "Now that you're raking in the big bucks... maybe you'd like to consider... this exciting investment opportunity." "Call my broker..." "Shearson, leave me alone." "Big man... doesn't even know what time it is." "I do so." "It is...12:00." "12:00, 12:00." "[BEEPS BASEBALL CHARGE]" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "See?" "I'm not getting any kind of pressure here." "You had to have a house." "Remember the apartment?" "Remember before the children?" "Before We Were married?" "Before We knew each other?" "Remember how happy We Were?" "Ooh!" "ow!" "You remember when you knew when I was kidding?" "Dad, you busy?" "No." "I'm just relaxing with my wrench." "I want a job at the market." "You're too young for a job at the market." "You let Eric be a box boy." "Son, you're young." "Enjoy it." "It doesn't last long." "Well, I could work after school." "Cory, I don't have any openings." "Well, you're the manager." "Fire somebody." "Fire Eric!" "Why don't I fire myself and make you manager?" "Cool." "What's it pay?" "Not enough to keep me out from under the sink... or the car or the mortgage payments." "Dad, nobody likes a whiner." "Now, I need a job." "You need to be a kid." "I don't Want to be a kid." "That's too bad, because once it's gone... you can never get it back." "I want to be able to afford stuff!" "So do I!" "Hey, Mr. Feeny." "Whatcha doin'?" "Immersing myself in the tranquillity... of my rose garden... in the vain attempt to offset my evening ahead... drudging through two dozen sixth-grade essays... on Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven."" " I think you'll like my paper." " oh?" "What a major freakoid that Ed Poe must have been, huh?" "You have no idea how major a freakoid." "So, are you cutting your flowers?" "I am pruning my prized eglanteria floribundas... a fragile hybrid that I have meticulously cultivated... over the past few seasons." "Well, for a small fee..." "I can hack off the rest of that dead stuff." "You stay away from my roses!" "Uh, you know, Mr. Feeny, I was thinking." "Autumn's here, and winter's just around the corner." "That's typically the pattern." "And if you give me fifty bucks now..." "I'll shovel your snow all winter." "Payment in advance?" "For a task linked to factors as unpredictable as the weather?" "Hardly seems fair." "Come on, Mr. Feeny, have some pity." "I've been out of work for eleven years." "Well, I do have some shutters that are in dire need of paint." "Cool." "What's it pay?" "Well, I could go as high as, oh, five." "Dollars?" "Get a pulse!" "Five bucks to paint all those?" "$5 apiece, Mr. Matthews." "That's five times two shutters times eight windows." "Five times two... times eight." "What's that, like, 58 bucks?" "$58 it is." "You are worth every inch of that C-plus I gave you in math." "Thanks, Mr. Feeny." "You won't regret it." "Oh, I expect I shall." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "Well, Mr. Matthews, I must confess..." "I'm pleasantly surprised." "Your first foray into the work force... is a rousing success." "You completed your task ahead of schedule... and with a modicum of skill." "Cool." "Does that mean you're giving me a bonus?" "Get a pulse." "Good morning, Alan." "George." "Kid did ok, huh?" "Oh, yes." "He acquitted himself like a young Earl Scheib." "Three coats, like you said... and they don't even stick or anything." "See, Dad, this work stuff is a piece of cake." "Nothing to it." "I may just start up my own business." "Yeah?" "Well, don't start printing up... those business cards just yet." "Doesn't even stick." "Remarkable." "Well, got to go." "Water war's starting, starting real soon." "Gotta go." "See ya." "I'm gonna be late, aren't I?" "[MUSIC PLAYS]" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "You know how you've been talking about... maybe redoing the backyard." "Yeah, but now that I look at it..." "I don't think I want to go with this zebra motif." "Well, nobody told me... the paint was gonna go through the shutters." "Cory, when you open the shutters in your bedroom... does the sunlight go through?" "Well, you got me." "I'm an idiot." "No, you're not an idiot." "You're a kid." "I'm a kidiot." "Water war time, Cory." "War!" "War brings out the beast in Minkus." "You kids and your water wars." "I'd love to join you... but I'm having way too much fun here." "You're bailing on the water war?" "To paint a fence?" "You say paint a fence." "I say party." "And, by the way, even if you wanted to..." "I wouldn't cut you in on this action." "Why not?" "I thought we were friends." "Yeah, how come you're cutting us out?" "People, people, am I the only one... who read the summer reading list?" "Tom Sawyer?" "He's sucking you in to do the work for him." "Guys, who are you gonna listen to, me or the banana?" "Well, let's see." "The banana says play." "You say work." "We're gonna hang with the big yellow guy." "OK, look, I got seven bucks left after buying my Hydro-Sat... and it's yours if you help me paint the fence." "I say we hold out for lunch... and that's Mr. Banana to you, bud." "One bunny ear... goes around the other bunny ear." "Will you just tie the bow?" "I'm late for the market." "Dad's going to kill me!" "I don't know how to tie a bow." "So, why did you tell me you did?" "'Cause I'm self-confident." "[SIGHS] Now they want dessert!" "How's work going, man?" "Work." "I love work." "Paint the shutters, paint the fence." "You want paper or you want plastic?" "Don't drip the paint on the roses." "Don't put the cans on the produce." "I'm with you, man." "I hate being an adult." "Can I have an ice cream?" "Another mouth to feed." "What flavor did you bring us?" "Vanilla." "They're vanilla with chocolate on the outside... just like they've been for 1,000 years!" "I really prefer a Heath Bar Crunch." "You do?" "Here you are, Minkus." "Crunch on this." "Is it just me, or is he copping an attitude?" "I'm beginning to feel unwelcome here." " Water war?" " Water war." "Hey, come on, come on!" "I paid you." "I brought you sandwiches." "I brought you ice cream." " Yeah, so?" " So I'm gonna sue you!" "Fine." "Have your lawyer call my mom." "Fine." "You want something done, you do it yourself." "I don't need them." "I don't need anybody." "Stupid water war." "Water wars are for kids." "Mr. Matthews..." "I sold you my childhood for 58 bucks!" "A paint drip, Mr. Matthews... an acrylic dribble has appeared on my side of the fence." "I like it." "I don't." "I Want it removed." "You do?" "Yes." "Either that, or perhaps you'd care to paint... the rest of my side to match the offending spot." "Oh, come now, Mr. Matthews." "I've hardly asked you to descend into the stygian coal shafts... of West Virginia with a pickax and a flashlight." "What's something like that pay?" "What did you do to my kid, George?" "Overwork, stress-related injury." "You know, Alan, when I was a boy... my father had a strong puritanical belief... in the Work ethic." "He used to work me from sunup to sundown... and look how I turned out." "[DOOR SHUTS]" "I don't want you working anymore." "Shutter marks still showed after one coat." "Had to borrow from Mom to buy more paint for second coat." "I worked two days, painted sixteen shutters and a fence." "Know how much money I made?" "I owe eight bucks." "Welcome to adulthood." "At least you came out of it with this water gun you wanted." "Yeah." "You like it?" "So this is the big boy on the block, huh?" "Very slick." "Too bad I can't go to the water war to use it." "You can if you run." "Isn't it my responsibility to finish painting the fence?" "I think your first responsibility... is to stay eleven years old as long as you can." "Hoo hoo, cool." "Go on." "Ahh!" "Whew!" "The water war to end all water wars." "Both sides are claiming victory." "I'd kill you, but I can't move." "Bagging groceries..." "chasing carts... price checks... spill on aisle seven!" "Oh!" "It's a nightmare." "I only worked half a shift today." "I don't know how he does it." " Who?" " Dad." "Twelve-hour days..." "never sits... eats his Lunch standing up... never takes a break." "It's Like he's not human." "It's Like he's..." "It's like he's Superman." "Huh?" "Superman's my dad." "I know you finished painting the fence for me today, Dad." "That's all right, Cory." "No." "It's not all right." "You work all day, then you come home... and work some more, and then you do my work." "You're hogging all the work." "And I'm calling you out." "Huh?" "I'm calling you out." " Cory..." " Draw." "What are you talking about?" "[ALL SHOUT]" "What do you think you're doing?" "I think I'm being a kid, Ma!" "I think I'm living up to my responsibility... of being eleven years old." "Hey, hey!" "No, listen, I'm serious!" "I've had a very rough day." "We do not shoot water pistols at the dinner table." "You would if you had one." "What?" "Go ahead." "Maybe there's a little surprise... taped underneath the table for you." "Hey, where'd you get this?" "Traded my 3000 for two 1500s." "Cool!" "Dad, I know you said you had a rough day... and that you only get to be a kid once... but I thought it'd be ok if you came back to visit." "Visiting hours are outside in the yard." "[ALL SHOUT]" "No shooting water guns in the house!" "Maybe you wouldn't feel that way... if you checked under your side of the table." "There's nothing there." "What do you think, I'm made of money?" "[ALL SHOUTING]" "Don't hit my hair!" "MORGAN:" "Hit his hair!" "Yaah!" "Yaah!" "I don't even have a gun!" "Trade the stupid Watch!" "[SHOUTING CONTINUES]" "Cookies, Morgan?" "Sure, I'd love some." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "9-1-1." "Hello?" "Yes." "I'm stuck here, and I can't get down." "My parents are outside fighting." "Listen." "You're drowning my floribundas!" "They just shot the neighbor!" "Hold on." "Let me ask." "Mommy!" "What's our address?" "[MUSIC PLAYS]" "[Theme music playing൝ഊ㤊㤹ഹ《㨰〰〺㔬〰ⴠ㸭〠㨰〰㈺〬ര㰊潦瑮挠汯牯∽昣晦て∰猠穩㵥㐱眾睷琮獶扵楴汴獥渮瑥⼼潦瑮ാ"