"This is my story." "I remember Mom zipping me into a snow suit to send me off to the doctor with Dad when I was around two." "We were waiting for Dad to fire up the car." "He was broke and racing a supercharged Corvair." "a mid-sixties flat six Chevy." "When he turned the key the engine erupted." "I'd squeal with joy while Mom murmured the Lord's Prayer." "When I was around four." "the old man left." "I imagine him with his head held high, defiantly making his mistake." "He did do two things right. though:" "He left without a scene and without a dime." "ON E YEAR EARLIER..." "What's up with you and these American cars?" "." "The bigger the steering wheel, the better the car." "Everybody knows that!" "But the fucking thing won't even start!" "Why don't you try the choke?" "Here we go!" "They're all doped anyway." "Yeah, that's right." "That way everybody plays by the same rules." "A formula one car doesn't run on diesel either." "Bullshit." "Only a sissy like Armstrong would dope." "A true cyclist swallows his pain." "That's called heart." "Winners use EPO." "That's what you call effective." "I think your friend's right." "Remember cyclists like Pantani who did 1 50 km on his own, no support from his team, no hope of winning, up the peaks." "That was real cycling!" "It's pretty obvious what the deal is here." "Forget it." "I'm sure she's got a boyfriend." "Oh yeah?" "." "Watch this!" "." " Alright." "Excuse me?" "." "My buddy and I are skipping the tour this year." "Oh yeah?" " We've changed our priorities." "And the new ones are...?" "." " We've converted to Buddhism.." "and we strongly believe in reincarnation now." "Very interesting!" "." "In fact, when I look at you, I'd love to be reborn as your tank- top." "When do you finish?" "." "Who's asking?" " I am." "Suggestions?" "." " We could begin by driving you home." "Buddhism?" "." "What kind of a bullshit pick- up line is that?" "." "Well?" "." "I just finished." "PHANTOM PAIN" "Hey!" "." "I haven't seen you in so long." "Is your Mom angry?" "." " A little." "Can't you ever be on time?" "Six o'clock." "Not a minute later." "It won't happen, but at least I said it now." "Bye honey." "Have fun." "He won't help you with your homework, so be back on time." " Yeah, alright." "Your last payment arrived, what?" "Six months ago?" "I'm paying her school fees and everything else, while you're playing with cars!" "." "I'm sorry!" "I have to write a poem for school." "I thought maybe you could help me?" "." "Not a chance!" "Please, s'il vous plait, per favore..." "No, nein, nyet." "Is that a peacock feather?" "." "It's beautiful." "Can I ask you something?" "." "'Course." "Anything." "Did your dad take you here, too?" "." "So I can't ask you anything after all." "Okay, anything except about the old man." " That's not fair." "Look..." "The peacock has the most beautiful feathers, the envy of all other birds." "And it knows." "When it shows off its plumage, it's really arrogant." "The problem is, the peacock also has the ugliest feet." "They say when he looks down at his feet his plumage contracts immediately and he becomes all humble and modest." "So life is fair and everything balances out?" " Exactly." "And if it doesn't, just think about my kiss on your forehead." "Will you help me with the poem?" "." "I can't hear you!" "." "Promise?" "." "You'll write something?" "." "I promise." "I waited at least an hour for you!" "I'm sorry." "What about the poem?" "You promised." "And I really tried, but..." "I just can't write." "Can you give this to your mom?" "Yeah, great." "Get home safely." "Hey Angus!" "Thanks for dinner!" "Are you out of your mind?" "." "I'm living on dried mole these days." " Do you need any money?" "." "I'll take you up on that later." "Sleep well." "By the way..." " I know," "AC/DC is the best rock band ever." "No, not AC/DC..." "Angus Young!" "." " Angus Young, okay." "Fact!" "Dad had never been around much to begin with, so it was years before I noticed he was gone." "Always a man of ritual, he probably took four V-neck T-shirts, a Zippo lighter, a carton of Craven cigarettes and not much else." "Mom said he was on a business trip, which was true in a way." "That's all I ever got by way of an explanation, and I suppose it was enough." "I 'm sorry, Vinny." "Won't happen again!" " What was up Saturday?" "Let me guess." "The first stage of the Vuelta?" "." "Get your ass in gear!" "For that price, I'd recommend a yoga weekend in the Maldives." "Anyway, a woman like you needs a racing bike, not a mountain bike." "You'll want to sell me a ladies' bike next, right?" "." "We don't even have any." " Whatever." "I've always wanted a mountain bike." "Follow me." "I'll show you something." "Just needs some love." "Well, it's not bad." "How much?" "For you... 28 euros and 50 cents." "What's the catch?" "." " No catch." "They call me the cyclists' Robin Hood." "Cute." "And where are your tights?" " Left them in the forest." "Alright Robin, that's it." "Get your stuff!" "He was selling me a bike!" " Too cheaply." "I'll have two gyros with plenty of tzaziki." "And moussaka for you?" "." "Two cold sakes?" "Okay." " Two cold sakes please." "Where do the lobsters come from?" "." "Canada." " I mean from the west coast or east coast?" "East coast." "Because there's no lobsters on the west coast." "They've only got ordinary crabs." "The fishermen there were pissed, because there's more money in lobsters." "So they petitioned their government to bring lobsters to the west." "The government carried out a study of the marine environment on the west coast:" "salinity, oxygen content..." "And they concluded that conditions for introducing lobsters were perfect." "So they chartered a huge plane to carry 50,000 lobsters, fitted with oxygenated water tanks and everything." "They tied the lobsters' claws with rubber bands, so they wouldn't get hurt during the flight." "And to make sure they wouldn't get bored, they put on special lobsters' in- flight entertainment." "They had movies, music..." " Table dancing?" "Not as far as I know, but they had Play" " Stations." "No alcohol was served, they don't take well to that." "Anyway, the plane zipped across Canada and landed in Vancouver." "There, they were taken aboard a ship and out to sea." "Each lobster was carefully lowered into the water with a special lobster crane." "And just as the last lobster was sinking, like a leaf on the wind, one of those smart- ass university types asks," ""'How are they going to feed with the rubber bands around their claws?" "'" "Helpless, they could only club their prey over the head..." "So that was the end of lobster fishing on the west coast." "And the moral is?" "Don't mess with Mother Nature." "True story?" "." "You travel around the world to go cycling..." "Only to places that have mountains." "That's Tourmalet." "Haven't done that yet, it's my big dream." "Sounds good." "The Little Prince." "I love Saint" " Exupery." "You know, he was terribly in love with this countess once, and one day he asked her shyly, "Do you love me?"" "She answered, "'Oui, mon cha rie, I love you with all my heart ...tonight!"'" "I could have said that." "Why do you like him?" " Because of his double- decker plane." "Nah, he was a man of letters and action all in one, that's why." "What's this?" "." " That..." "It's just a travelogue I once wrote about a cycling tour of Sri Lanka." "You write?" "Not anymore." "Can I read it?" " Better not." "Let's go to bed." "It's beautiful!" "." "Really?" "." "Who took these notes?" "A friend sent it to a publisher." "The editor didn't agree with you." "Why?" "." "The notes are good." " "'Explain the word punkah"'?" "." "If you don't know what that is, go look it up!" "What is a punkah?" "." " A human- powered ceiling fan." "What did the editor say?" " Don't know." "I never called them back." "Because of the punkah thing?" "Did you write anything else?" "." " No." "Haven't touched a pen since." "What do you mean, "since"'?" "." "For about ten years." "Nothing?" "." "I'll go cycling." "It's raining." " It'll break up soon." "Will I see you later?" "." "Maybe." "Any urbanite with any sense sometimes feels like a savage." "The only cure is to go and get out there, alone." "So I hauled out my atlas and there it was:" "Sri Lanka." "like a teardrop hovering over the equator." "a locket hanging from India 's neck." "its belly full of rugged mountains." "Villages with names like mouthfuls of mango, all linked by asphalt snakes." "As I whizzed down from the Horton Plains." "cycling down cinnamon-colored paths past endless rice fields," "I realized what the greatest luxury about traveling solo was:" "Nobody there to point out that your happiness is unfounded." "I have a friend who's an agent." "I told him about you." "He'd like to meet you." "Why?" "Why what?" "." "Why would he want that when he hasn't read anything by me?" "In fact, he has." "We're off to a great start here!" "." "Come on!" "I'm sorry." "Will you meet him?" "No, I don't have time right now." " Why?" "I'm too busy reading." "Marc, please!" "When and where?" "The CafA mira, tomorrow at noon." "When I was eight, Dad flew me out for two weeks." "and after that we went every August." "The visits were the high points of my year." "For Mom they were an annual source of resentment." "In a priceless maneuver." "the old devil had upstaged her:" "next to no responsibility but guaranteed stardom courtesy of a red sports car, an apartment by the sea," "Suzie Quatro and a boat." "Around 1 890, there were so many dead bodies floating in the Ganges that the Indian government decided to use the infamous snapping turtle." "Once released into the river, the turtles started eating up the bodies." "But one day, a fateful incident happened:" "A turtle accidentally bit a peasant swimming in the river and realized that humans were tastier alive than dead." "Word spread quickly among the snapping turtle society and the turtles embarked on a feeding frenzy." "Two weeks later, 25% all Indians were dead." "Okay guys, back to work!" "." "Anyhow, that was the start of Operation Turtle, during which the army caught all male turtles and neutered them." "The snapping turtles died out, but by the time the last one died, only 75,000 people were still alive in India." "75,000!" "In India!" "." "That story is complete nonsense." "Straight from the Herald Tribune!" "." "Funny story!" " Oh yeah?" "I didn't hear you laugh." "You're fired!" "We're talking about a polytrauma here." "His condition is serious." "His chances of survival... aren't high." "What are they?" "." "I'm very sorry." "We'll do everything we can." "He'll live, you'll see." "We tried everything, but there's no circulation in his lower thigh." "If we want to save his life, we'll have to amputate his left leg." "The problem is, we're obliged to inform Mr. Somner." "But how?" "." "He's in a coma." " An induced coma." "We'll reduce his intake of drugs until he's in a state in which he's able to make a decision." "He'll die if we don't do it." "Which one of you is closest to Mr. Somner?" "." "What's this about?" "." " When he wakes up," "I'd like you to help us make him understand what we recommend." "What do you mean?" "." "Over 90% all patients refuse when confronted with a limb amputation." "We can't afford that in our position." "To be precise, we're hoping he'll trust you and you'll help him to make the right decision." "Where are you going to amputate?" "." " Unfortunately, above the knee." "Shit!" "Holy shit!" "." "Mr. Somner?" "." "Can you hear me?" "." "I'll extract the tube now." "Hey, Marc." "You had an accident." "Your left leg's in bad shape." "They'll..." "They'll need to amputate it if you want to live." "Are you nuts?" "There are more needles stuck in me than a voodoo doll." "This is difficult enough for me." "If you agree, just nod." "Please!" "." "You'll have enough time to write now." "Shit, I can't laugh." " What?" "." "My ribs are broken." "Sorry." "At least I'll get 50%ff on pedicures now." "How's the leg?" "Don't know." "I haven't had the courage to look under the blanket yet." "I don't remember a thing." " Don't worry about that now." "It'll be alright." "At least the Heuer didn't break." "You've got to get some sleep." "Alex?" "." " Yes?" "It's the Tour's ninth stage today!" "." "It'll be the fifteenth tomorrow." "What he's experiencing is called phantom pain, actual pain sensations in the amputated leg." "That's perfectly normal." "How is that possible?" "." "He's feeling the pain he actually experienced prior to the operation." "What a rip- off!" " What?" "." "His leg's rotting away in a trash can, but it still hurts him." "That's a pretty bad deal, right?" "." "How long's this supposed to go on?" "." " Maybe six months or a year, sometimes it never goes away." "At 17 I'd had enough of school and deserted Mom on the sly." "Manic as she was. if I'd told her I was moving in with Dad, she 'd have seen it as defecting." "She caught me packing late at night." "As she was crying." "she lashed me softly with her bathrobe." "It was humiliating and unforgettable." "What does the leg look like?" "." "Like a giant ham." "Want to see?" "Could you tell another story?" "." "Nah, I don't know..." " Please!" "You know, I also hit my head and I think all the stories fell out." "I could tell a story." "Get the children out!" "." " Listen up!" "." "Here it goes." "In Indonesia, rats are considered sacred." "But of course money is even more sacred, and that was the problem." "The rats were eating the sugarcane, the local farmers' main source of income." "Nobody wanted to commit the sin of killing a rat, so they released mongooses into the fields to eat the rats." "Eventually they realized that there were even more rats and therefore less sugarcane." "They tried to observe the rodents at work at night." "There wasn't much to see, though, as mongooses sleep at night and hunt during the day and rats vice versa." "Hang on, I got it wrong there." "Mongooses hunt at night and sleep during the day, rats sleep at night and hunt during the day." "So, the moral is..." "Don't mess with Mother Nature." "I can't believe you remembered that story." "I told it five years ago." "Hello Mr. Somner, here we go again..." "If you want to take a peek, it's now or never..." "Alright." "Let me have another sip first." "Looks like a pussy!" "." " You're welcome to finger fuck it." "Not quite yet!" "." "Sorry." "Done in a minute." "How are you?" "I should ask you that." "Good to see you." "I'm so sorry." "Where've you been?" "." "I tried out my new bike by the sea." "Nice." "By yourself?" "How did it happen?" "." "No idea." "It's a blank." "And you don't want to know?" "." " The leg's gone, what can I do?" "Of course, Captain Ahab felt differently." "Spent his whole life chasing Moby Dick." "For me?" "." "A CD?" "." "Can I open it?" "It's more of a symbolic present." "Thank you." "Well, it's not all that symbolic." "I'm hoping you'll use it, too." "When will you be out?" "In a week." "They can't keep me here any longer." "I've got so much to do." "Good luck, okay?" "Bye." "See you." "You look like my surgeon!" "." "Cut the other leg off too?" "." "Good to have you here." "I prepared the guest room." "A cripple doesn't take up much space." "Welcome home." "When the bailiffs knocked on his door, Dad did another vanishing trick." "Years later. when he came back, things initially went according to plan." "He endured family responsibilities. went fishing and tried his best to fight back his demons." "What they were, I'll never know." "Who ever really does?" "But they were there." "they were formidable and when they took hold." "he tried his best to drown them." "...and she goes, "'Ham and cheese."' He goes, "I haven't even started."" "I'll pick you up in an hour." "Alright." "Promise you won't have a crisis." "Can I stare out of the window longingly?" "Yep." "It's not like you'd manage to throw yourself out." "There's always the old blow dryer in the bathtub trick." "This dump has a bathtub?" "." "See you later!" "." "Hi Marc, it's Oliver." "I just heard what happened." "I can't believe it." "I'm really sorry." "I don't know what to say, but..." "At least you're still alive, right?" "." "I know a guy who lost both his legs...." "This is Mr. Meyerhofer." "You're behind on the rent again!" "If I don't get the money in the next two days, you can look for a new place." "Bye." "Marc, it's Nika." "I don't know if you're back yet, but..." "I'd like to see you, alright?" "." "Oh yeah: 8371432." "The Rheo Knee is equipped with state- of- the- art sensors." "Its joint can think and learn." "The leg will adjust to the way you walk." "Trouble is, your insurance won't cover the full costs." "But the most important thing is rehab." "You'll have to go five days a week for at least three hours." "And how am I supposed to make money?" " Make money?" "That should be the least of your worries right now." "But it's number one on my list." "Poverty is a full- time job." "I need that leg!" "." "I'll manage to scrape it together somehow." "How did your leg break off?" "." " Don't say that!" "." "He's losthis leg!" "I'm really sorry." " It's alright." "Your mom's right." "I lost my leg, and now I can't find it anywhere." "You can have one of Barbie's legs if you want." "Do you also have Ken?" "." "You see, I'm a boy." "No." "Can I help you?" " I'm alright, thanks." "Can I help you?" " I'm alright." "Marc?" "." " Deepak!" "." "Are you getting on or off?" "." "What happened?" "My leg broke off." "Come see us sometime." "We miss your stories." "Let's drink to the chef!" "Thanks Marc, that was fantastic." "Let's hope it stays down." "You're not doing too badly." "I wouldn't have made it to the life boat on the Titanic, that's for sure." "Morning." " Morning." "I'll make you some coffee." " I'm fine, thanks." "If he can fuck, he can make his own coffee." "Let's hear it." " Were we that noisy?" "." "Pretty noisy." "Those are just mercy fucks." "Details, please!" "Why are you so interested?" "." " Go on!" "." "I'm a one- trick pony: she rides me." "I think I'll try doggy style in two weeks." "With big Masha." "Lots of padding and handles." "Makes for a soft landing if you slip." "Looks like your performance wasn't affected." " On the contrary!" "." "Same sprinkler, smaller lawn, more pressure." "It gets so hard, not even a cat could scratch it." "I've got to go." "Bye." "Thanks for the leg." "It's practical." "If you step in dog shit, you can clean your shoe without taking it off." " Right." "Another round!" "." "Where did the legless man get fucked?" "On the beach, when the tide came in." "What's the matter?" "I'll go talk to him for a second." "Hey Marc." "Sorry I didn't call you." "Forget it." "So?" "." "Have you guys become friends?" "." "How about a quick test drive?" "Okay." "May I?" "." "Tomorrow's New Year's Eve." "Made any resolutions?" "." "Luckily, I've made so many that I'll forget them all." "I won't be able to become a firefighter." "By the time I'm down the pole, the house will be in ashes." "But you wouldn't have to worry about burning your left foot." "What about the writing?" "Hey, what's your problem?" "It was just a question." "I don't think you understand." "I don't have time to write!" "I need to make some money." "That's bullshit!" "." "It's a matter of principle." "You sound like my girlfriend." "I have a problem with that word." "Dad's final descent was painful." "We'd fought over money, and a two-year cold war ensued." "We established a "alking zone. """ "During this time. he nearly kicked the bucket twice, and I went to the hospital to silently cradle the former middleweight's emaciated frame." "Let's party!" "It's New Y ear's Eve!" "." "I'd rather stick a frozen squirrel up my ass." "Forget Nika and call Caprice!" "Caprice has her period and she's given up smoking." "Bad combination!" "You're not having a crisis?" "You say that one more time and I'll have one!" "." "No crisis here!" "." "Is that clear?" "." " Yep." "Have fun." "Hey, Marc..." " What?" "." "I almost forgot..." "Now the automatic makes sense." "Thanks, Alex." "The night he died." "Dad was seen staggering drunk around the port." "They found him the next morning bobbing in the oily water." "The coroner was discreet." "He called it a heart attack." "Maybe it was." "maybe it was suicide." "It doesn 't matter and was probably for the best." "My brother and I collected Dad's worldly goods from the port authority's office:" "the gold Dunhill lighter that wouldn 't light, the Ray Bans with one lens missing, a seawater-filled Heuer watch." "and his wallet with 15 marks and a Viagra prescription in it." "A few months later, I took Dad's boat out to sea and, as per the old man's wish, scattered his ashes." "As I was dumping the last bits in." "the wind turned and I took a blast of diesel fumes mixed with Dad's ashes in the face." "As I looked at the cheesy urn, I noticed Dad's name engraved on it." "I threw it overboard, a future conversation piece for beachcombers." "Mr. Somner!" "." " Mrs. Simon!" "You can be very proud of your daughter." "I am proud of her." "She's very talented." "Her poem won a prize today." "A year later, imagine!" "." "What poem?" "." " Didn't she tell you?" "That's funny, she said she's got it from you." "What?" " The talent for writing." "She writes from the heart." "That's a great gift." "Well, I have to go." "I'll leave you her notebook." "You can give it back to her." "Has it really been a year?" "Your words carry me to sleep, and I hope life will be fair." "I dream of the day we laughed." "of peacocks and feet," "I know I'll get confused." "But then I wake up and all is well." "I know it was your kiss on my forehead..." "TH IS IS MY STORY..." "TH E N IGHT H E DIED..." "You look ridiculous." "I had higher hopes, too." "I cut it myself." "Your poem is beautiful." "I remembered something about Dad." "I know it took a while, but..." "I'm ready now." "Well, my father..." "My father was kind of a weekend crab fisherman, and I wanted to impress him." "So I decided to work on a commercial fishing boat for a year." "Now, if you want to catch a crab, you need to grab it by the ass." "I picked out the biggest one the crab didn't hesitate, grabbed Dad's knife and ran towards me." "Then it stopped and looked me straight in the eye." "...and Dad collapsed laughing." "So I'm running and running." "Suddenly, the crab keeled over." "Heart attack." "That's it, guys!" "Back to work!" "." "Go on!" "." "You cooked all that up!" "." "Well, I padded it out a little to make it more interesting." "You know, father and I never talked much, so I never learned much from him." "But in the only letter he ever wrote me, he told me if I ever thought that life was unjust or unfair," "I should think of that day... when that crab chased me." "Like that day at the cycling track?" "I think about that a lot." "That's nice." "I'm very proud of you." "And I'm proud of you." "I almost forgot." ""The top 100 rock guitarists."' In writing!" "Jimmy Hendrix, Eddie van Halen, Jimmy Page..." "What?" "Angus Young at number 50?" "." "Were they on crack?" "At times I thought Dad's demons had got to me too." "But I know one thing for sure:" "I'm not going to try drowning them." "This is my story." "and Ia ll stick to it." "I don 't want to travel alone anymore." "I want somebody to contradict my tall tales, somebody to cut me down to size." "I need your help to climb the mountain of all mountains, the Tourmalet. so to speak, and I hope you'll come." "Because I think..." "I'm in love with you!" "There, I said it, or at least wrote it..." "The L word."