"Look!" "It's Turbo Man and Booster!" "Kill them both!" "Turbo discs, anyone?" " Stop him!" " Go, go, Demon Team!" " No!" "Help, Turbo Man!" "Help!" " I'm coming, Billy!" "Ta-ta, Turbo Man." "Five seconds to ignition." "It's turbo time!" "Got you." "You haven't seen the last of me, Turbo Man!" "I'll have my revenge!" "Here you go, Mr. President." "Mom, Dad, Booster." " Thank you, Turbo Man." " You can always count on me." "Hey, Jamie, why don't you go upstairs and change, hon?" "It's almost time to leave." "But Dad's not home yet." "Now he's probably gonna miss me get my belt." "He misses everything." "Well, he's not gonna miss this." "He's probably just working really hard." "Hello, Mr.Jacobs." "Oh, yes, we've been busy, but, you know, I like that." "I'm gonna make it." "I hear you." "Yes." "So what can I do for you?" "200 king-sized by next Friday?" "No problem whatsoever, but only for you, Mr.Jacobs... because you're our number one customer." "Andrea, hi." "Well, if you think the fabric is too dark, then we'll just recover it." "And no extra charge." "Well, what do you expect?" "You're my number one customer." "Don't you forget." "You're my number one customer." "You're my number one customer." "Liz." "Hi, honey." "How are you?" "Howard, where are you?" "I know- Jamie's karate class." "Don't worry." "I'll meet you there." "I promise." "And don't forget, you're my number one customer." "Liz!" "I" " Look, I didn't mean that" "Liz?" "I gotta get out of here." "I'm gonna make it." "I'm gonna make it." "He's not gonna make it." "What the" "Johnny!" " The kids look great, don't they?" " Yeah, they do." "Ted, I baked you some cookies" " You know, to thank you for fixing my screen door." " Yes, sir!" "Well, thanks, Judy." " One!" " One!" "Ted, I was wondering if you'd mind... taking a look at my porch light." "It just doesn't seem to be working... and you being such a handyman" "Sure." "I've got just the tool for the job." "I'm gonna make it." "Damn it." " Hai!" " Two!" " Hai!" " Three!" " Four!" " Hai!" "License and registration, please." "Look, sir, I'm in kind of a hurry." "I'm really late for my son's karate class." "Oh, I do apologize if I've caused you some sort of delay." "How thoughtless of me." "Because the last thing that I want on my conscience right now... is for a private citizen to somehow be disappointed... in the performance of my duty." "Look, I was not criticizing you, Officer." "It's just that" "Step out of the vehicle." "That's my boy!" "There." "Are we finished now?" "Recite the alphabet." ""A," "B," "C"" "Backwards." "Way to go, Jamie!" "I didn't make it." "Hey, neighbor!" "Ted?" "What the hell are you doing on my roof?" "What's Ted doing on your roof?" "Ta-da!" "I had some extra lights in the garage... and since you didn't put up any yourself, I thought, what the heck?" "Why not spread a little Christmas cheer around the neighborhood?" "Aw, gee, Ted, how thoughtful." "Hey, sorry you missed the karate class today." "But don't worry." "I got it all on video for you." "What would I do without you?" "Did you tell Ted that he could put lights up on our house?" "Howard, do you have any idea what time it is?" "I know." "You should have seen the traffic, and on top of that, I got a speeding ticket." "Don't explain it to me." "It wasn't my karate class you missed." "We'll be back right after these messages." " Hi, buddy." " It's turbo time!" "Now it's your chance to save the universe with Turbo Man!" "Battle evil with America's favorite superhero... and his sidekick Booster." "Jamie, about that karate class tonight..." "I was trying to-Jamie." "Jamie, stop!" "Listen." "It was not my fault." "Jamie, don't walk away from your father." "Jamie." "Can I come in?" "So, champ... are those hands registered weapons yet?" "Oh, is this it?" "Wow!" "This is really cool." "How do you do this?" "Like this?" "No." "I know." "Like this." "What do you think, Jamie?" "How about this?" "Ya!" "I've done something really stupid today, huh?" " I don't care." " Oh, come on, Jamie." "I hope this is not true, because I really wanted to be there." "Look, believe me, I" "But you always say that, and you never come anyways." "Purple was important to me, Dad." "That's one away from green and three away from black." " But I saw you get yellow." " But you missed blue." "You're right." "I really blew it." "I'm really, really sorry." "You think you can let me make it up to you?" "Like how?" "Well, like letting me do something special... just for you." "Like, if there's something really important... you've been wanting for Christmas, hmm?" "Ah, don't worry." "I got it covered." "I wrote Santa." "Ah." "But Santa gets very busy this time of the year." "Sometimes he even has to ask moms and dads to help out a little bit." "Nah." "It's not that important." "Tell me." "What do you want?" "I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move... and the boomerang shooter and the rock-and-roar jet pack... and the realistic voice activator that says five different phrases... including, "It's turbo time!"" "Accessories sold separately." "Batteries not included." "Well, I'm glad you had to stop and think about it." "Johnny's gonna get one, and so is everybody else I know." "Whoever doesn't is gonna be a real loser." "Well, that definitely won't be you." "Thanks, Dad." "I love you." "I love you too, Jamie." "I love you!" "Whoa!" "Liz, you should have seen us in there." "I mean, we were really bonding." "We were drawing." "We were laughing, having a great time, talking about that Turbo guy." "Turbo Man." "Which reminds me- you got the doll, right?" "The doll?" "Yeah." "That Turbo Man doll." "I asked you to pick one up two weeks ago." "Oh." "That doll." "Of course." "Howard, you didn't." "Please tell me that you did not forget that doll." "No, no." "I-I" " I got it." "I" " I got the Turbo Man doll, the one that has those things that shoot out in front... with that rock 'em, sock 'em jet pack... and with that realistic voice box that says, "It's turbo time."" " I got it." " Oh, good." "There you are." "I mean, you thought for a minute... that I would not do something that you tell me?" "I got it right away." "Good." "Because at this point... they'd probably be impossible to find." "KQRS, Minneapolis." "We'll do the rocking while you fill the stocking." "Wait." "Whoa." "Where you going?" "I just have to run to the office quickly." "That's it." "Howard, it's Christmas eve." "You can't be going to the office." "I have to pick up the D-O-L-L." "I left it there by mistake." "Oh." "Okay." " All right." " Bye." "Dad, you can't go to work today." "What about the parade?" " The parade?" " The Holiday Wintertainment Parade." "We go every year." " Oh." " Well, you didn't go last year or the year before." "But Mom and I always go." "Anyway, this year Turbo Man's gonna be there." " Yeah." "Turbo Man." " Turbo Man." "Yes!" "It's turbo time." "Dad, you can't miss it." "It's gonna be really cool." "I won't miss it." "I'll be there." "I promise." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" " Sorry about that, Howie." " What's that- a reindeer?" "A little Christmas surprise forJohnny." "You just think of everything, don't you, Ted?" "Howard, I'm of the mind-set you can never do too much... to make a child's Christmas magical." "So what happens to Blitzen after Christmas?" "I've been watching a family of deer down by Lake Minnetonka." "I thought I'd take him down there and set him free." "If nature's kind, they'll take him in like he's one of their own." "How touching." "Hey, buddy." "How are you?" " Hey!" " Whoa!" "That's odd." "Reindeer are usually such gentle animals." "There must be something about you he doesn't like- aftershave or something." "Yeah." "All right." "Got to go." "Where you off to so early?" "Picking up a Christmas present forJamie." "Whoa!" "Nothing like waiting till the last minute, Howitzer." " So, what'd you get him?" " One of those Turbo Mans." "Oh." "That's great." "I got a Turbo Man forJohnny months ago." "It's nestled safely under our tree." "Good." "Howard, by the way, they say it may get icy later." "You might want to wrap some chains around those tires." "Maybe I should wrap some chains around you." "What?" "Come on." "Hey, what are you doing?" "What time you opening up?" "Come on." "It's freezing out here." "There's a hundred people" "Because of two minutes?" "Because of two minutes you're not" "Hey." "Give the man a break." "He's a dad trying to get a toy." "Go ahead." "Have cuts, man." "Last-minute shopping, huh?" " Yeah." " Enough to drive a man insane, ain't it?" "Myron Larabee." "Howard Langston." "See, I have to shop late because it's the busiest time of year for me." "All these important Christmas letters that people send to folks... they don't even talk to but once a year... not to mention relatives sending presents they're going to have to send back anyway." "How many toiletry kits does a man need?" "And how about those little, stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole?" ""Dear Santa, could you send me a bike and a Slinky?"" "No!" "Your father's been laid off!" "And as if I didn't have enough pressure in my life... my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy... some fruity robot named Turtle Man." "That's Turbo Man." "My son wants one too." "You know it's all a ploy, don't you?" " A ploy?" " Man, where have you been?" "Don't you watch TV?" "We are being set up by rich and powerful toy cartels." "Oh, come on." "You got these big fat cats sit there using working class just like me and you." "They spend billions of dollars on TV advertisement... and then they sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out!" "I know what I'm talking about because I went tojunior college for a semester... and I studied psychology, so I'm right in there." "I know what's going on." "Then they sit there and make a kid feel like garbage... because you, the father, who's working 2 4-7... delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment... to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office but me... and then when you get the toy, it breaks, and you can't fix it because it's cheap plastic!" "Know what I'd like to do?" "I'd like to walk up in that office... grab one of those guys and just choke him, choke him until an eye pops out!" "What's the matter with you?" "You shouldn't wear fur." "Back off." "I'm first." "Turbo Man, you're mine!" " Move it, move it, move it!" " Whoa!" "Get out my way!" "Get out my way!" "Booster?" "Who wants Booster?" "The Turbo Man dolls, they're all gone!" " There's got to be another one here somewhere." " There are none here!" " Excuse me." "I'm trying to find a Turbo Man doll." " Yes?" " Me too." " Do you have any more in the back?" " What?" " What's he laughing about?" " What did I say?" " These guys are looking for Turbo Man." "A Turbo Man doll, yes." "They're looking for Turbo Man." "Hey, everybody." "These two are looking for a Turbo Man." "Shut up, man." "Now what's so funny?" "Where have you guys been?" "Turbo Man's only the hottest selling Christmas toy ever." "Duh!" "But you know what?" "We got plenty of Turbo Man's faithful simpleton partner Booster." "Where's your Christmas spirit?" "That's better." "Now, there must be a Turbo Man around here somewhere." "Uh, duh- The last one just left." " Um, some lady had it on layaway." " A lady?" "What lady?" " Uh, uh, sh-short, uh, with a fur coat." " Fur coat." "Sorry, buddy." " Give me this." " Hey!" "This is war." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Cool." " Oh, poor baby." " Turbo Man." "Ah!" " Excuse me, lady." " What!" "What do you want?" "I'm not a robber." "I followed you all the way from the store." " Oh, really?" " Yes, really." " There's something I wanted to ask you." " Would you like my phone number?" "Oh, no." "I mean, no." "It's, uh, I would like your bag." " My bag?" " Yes." "I'll offer you twice what you paid for it." " Twice?" " Okay, three times." " Three times." " Oh, I get it." "Oh, sure." "What the heck." "For that kind of profit, knock yourself out." " Oh, thank you." " And just in case." "Here's my phone number." "Ah." "Booster?" "I don't want Booster." "Turbo Man." "Hey, lady!" "Hey, hold it." "Wait!" "Wait, lady!" "I need that Turbo Man!" "Wait!" "Come on!" " I'm Turbo Man." " No, I am." "You're always Turbo Man." "Hey, hey, hey." "Cut it out." " Hi, Liz." " Oh, hi, Ted." "Look at you." "It's Christmas eve, and you're slaving over a hot stove." " Is this the mom of the year or what?" " It's no big deal." "And modest too." "Liz, looks like you could use a little you time." "Why don't you go upstairs, take a shower?" "I'll keep an eye on the boys, finish up with the cookies." " Oh, no" " Da-da-da." "Go on." " You deserve it." " Uh" "Oh." "Well, o-okay, but listen for the oven timer" "I know." "Sugar cookies." " Bake 1 2-15 minutes till golden brown." " Yeah." "Ted's got everything under control." "Oh!" "Pipe down in there!" "Merry Christmas." "Langston residence." "Hi, I-Ted?" "Howard!" "Hey, buddy." "How's it going out there?" " Everything okay?" " Yeah, fine." "Ted, I need to speak to Liz." "Could you get" "Howard, excuse me, but your wife's cookies are out of this world." "What-Who told you you could eat my cookies?" "I'm just helping Liz out a little in the kitchen." "She's baking up a storm here." "Ted, I need to speak to my wife... so could you get her on the phone, please?" "I think she's in the shower." "Do you want me to go check?" "No!" "I mean, no, that's fine." "On your way out, just tell her I will be a few minutes late... but she shouldn't worry." "Oh, she won't worry." "I mean, I'm here, and" "Mmm!" "Oh, these cookies!" "I got to get the recipe from Liz." "Put that cookie down!" "Now!" "Howard, is there something bothering you?" "Because this time of year, there's a very high incidence of stress-related breakdown." "Oops!" "There's the next batch." "Gotta go, Howard." " I'll give Liz your message though." "Bye-bye." " Yeah, but" "Hey, hey, hey, look who it is!" " Still on the hunt, huh?" " Yeah." "Hey, sorry about whacking you at the toy store." "I got caught up in the friendly spirit of competition." "That's all right." "Don't worry." "But I was thinkin', you'd have done the same thing." "That's when I realized-you and I, we're the same kind of person." "I sort of doubt that." "I was thinking about that brouhaha at the toy store" "I was thinking we could join up as a team... like Starsky and Hutch, likeJonny Quest and Hadji, man... like Bonnie and Clyde, like Ike and Tina" "Not Ike and Tina, because she left, but we could do it!" "Search and destroy." "Divide and conquer." "Me and you." "What do you say?" "Thanks, Myron, but, no, thank you." "Come on, man." "Let's do it." "Let's be a team!" "Gee, Myron, I think you're a good guy and all... but this I would like to do by myself." "You understand, right?" "Oh, yeah, I understand you, man." "I understand plenty." "I know what's going on here." "Mr. Wear Your Little Fancy Cashmere Coat And Your Nice Little Suede Shoes." "I was good enough to talk to in line, but I'm not good enough to be on your team!" "See, that's racism!" "That's whatJesseJackson was talking about." "Good news!" "They got a late delivery ofTurbo Man at Toy Works!" "Let's go!" " Turbo Man!" " Turbo Man!" "Whoa!" "Whoo, whoo." "Piece of junk!" "Oh." "Oh!" "Officer." "You broke my little mirror." "License and registration, please." "Whoo!" "Is there a problem, Officer?" "Listen up, people." "To answer your first question- yes, the rumors are true." "We have received a small quantity of the action figure known as Turbo Man." "Yes!" "I am not going to ask you people to be quiet again!" "Do you hear me?" "Here's how things are gonna work." "You will form an orderly line so that an employee can hand you a numbered ball." "These balls will then be drawn in a standard lottery fashion to see who gets a doll." "If you're not one of the lucky few... we have plenty ofTurbo Man's faithful pet tiger Booster in stock." "We don't want it!" "We don't want it!" "And by the way, in accordance with the laws of supply and demand... the new list price on each figure just doubled." "What?" "That's against the law, buddy!" "Hey, give me a ball!" "Whoa!" "Give me that ball!" "I got it!" "I got it!" " He maced me!" " I got it!" "I got it!" "I got it!" "I got it!" "Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo." "He got two!" "He got two!" " Get the mailman!" " What?" "No!" " Get him!" " He's lying." "He's lying." "That's my ball!" "Rodney King." "Rodney King." "Ah." "Hey!" "Hey!" "This is my ball!" "Yeah." "Stay." "Hi, little girl." "Look what I've got for you- a shiny red ball." "Do you want to trade?" "No, no!" "Just give me the ball." "I got it." "Ow!" " Sicko!" "Pervert!" " Ow!" " Get your hands off my kid!" " I need the ball." "I need that toy!" "Stop!" "Stop hitting me!" "Stop hitting me!" "No!" "Get out of here!" "You wacko!" "I need that ball." " Pervert!" " I'm not a pervert." "I just was looking for a Turbo Man doll." "Hey." "Psst." "Buddy, come here." "Come here." "You want a Turbo Man for Christmas?" "Forget it." "I'm not gonna sit on your lap." "Hey, chief, that's not my bag." "Get it?" "But, you know, little boy, with your attitude..." "I don't think I want to give you access to this." "Tony, show him." "That was taken this morning." "How do I know this is not some kind of a scam?" "Forget it, Tony." "This guy doesn't want our help." " Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Wait a minute, guys." " Merry Christmas." "We're all businessmen." "I'm sure we can work out some sort of an agreement." " You got the cash, we got the doll." " How much?" "Ho, ho, ho, ho!" "Merry Christmas." "Ho, ho, ho!" "A merry Christmas to you, Officer." "What are you, crazy?" "Santa never delivers a gift out in broad daylight." "Excuse me." "I may be wrong, but you are not the real Santa Claus." "Really?" "And you're not the kind of guy who's got enough foresight... to get his kid a Turbo Man before Christmas eve, are you?" "Hey, show a little respect for the suit, huh?" " Yeah." " Now, you want that doll or not?" "We've been driving around now for 20 minutes." "How much longer?" " Name isn't Buddy." "It's Santa." " Fine, Santa." " Thank you." " But it's getting late." "I've got a parade to go to... and I've yet to see a sign of that supposed Turbo Man doll." "Meanwhile, all this time, my "in touch with his feminine side" neighbor- he's busy attacking my wife's cookies, all right!" "Hey, spare me the details of your twisted life, pal." "Okay?" "Hey, yo, is this genuine leather?" " Don't touch anything back there." " Hey!" "That's Santa's helper!" "You wanna see the doll, don't you?" "Up here." "Oh, I love this time of year." "Christmas carols, snowflakes, Santa Clauses." " Now what?" " What are you, Dan Rather?" "What is this, 60 Minutes?" "What are you, the question king, huh?" "Chill." "All right." "Keep your hands where I can see 'em." "Password." "Jingle bells, Batman smells." "I know what you're thinking." "Oh, no." "You have no idea." "Tony, get the man his Turbo Man." "Got it." "I gotta tell you, Santa... there is something here that doesn't seem quite, uh, kosher?" " Kosher?" " Yeah." "This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a superball?" "Listen, bub, we provide a service here." "We're not doing this for us." "We're doing this for the kids." " For the kids?" " For every kid who ever sat down on Santa's lap... for every little girl who left cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas night... for every little boy who opens a present Christmas morning... and finds clothes instead of toys." " Aw." " Have you ever heard that song..." ""The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot"?" "No." "I can't say that I have." "That's beautiful" "Please" "Very moving." "There it is." "Ah!" "That will be 300." "Dollars?" "No." "Chocolate kisses." "Yes, dollars!" "I can't believe this." "Whatever happened to your lofty ideals, huh?" "I thought you were doing all this for the kids." "Sure, but I don't see why we can't pick up a little loose change in the process." "Take it." "Count it." "Put it in the safe this time." "Don't open that up!" "No, no, no." "Ces el tiempo del hombre de turbo!" "Oh, well, that's the multilingual version." "It's fun and educational." "I wouldn't" "Uh, well, of course, there's some assembly required." " Let me get that for you." " Just put it back in the box and just go" " Here." "Give me the money back." " Ah-ah-ah." "Whoa!" "All sales are final." "You know what you guys are?" "Nothing but a bunch of sleazy con men in red suits." "What did you call us?" "You heard me right- con men, thieves... degenerates, lowlifes, thugs, criminals!" "In the North Pole, them are fighting words, partner." "Put 'em up." "Relax, buddy." "I'm not about to hit a Santa Claus." "Come on." "Come on." "What are you, chicken?" "Chick, chick, chick." "Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick!" "Get him." "Shut up." "Yeah!" "I'm gonna deck your halls, bub." "Oh, man." "Oh!" "No!" "Little buddy." "You naughty boy!" " Get him!" "Get him!" " Who's gonna be next?" "Dog pile!" "Yeah!" "It's the Grinch!" "Scatter!" "Hey!" "Hey, who are you?" "Huh?" "Hey." "Hey, buddy." "This must be the sloppiest bust I've ever seen in my entire career on the force." "Detective Howard Lang- undercover." "I have been working on this case for the last three years... and you guys come barging in here... like a bunch of terrorists at a tea party." "Wait till the commissioner finds out about this." "He is going to hit the roof." " Now get your act together and arrest someone." "Go!" " Yes, sir." "I'm not going back to the joint, do you hear?" "All right, put them in a van and lock 'em up." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Not now!" "You're so considerate, bringing all this holiday cheer to the neighborhood." "Christmas comes but once a year." "You're an amazing man, Ted." "I wish every husband were more like you." "Thanks." "We should get together and swap recipes." " What's the reindeer's name?" " I named him Ted after my dad." "Your dad is so cool." "I wish my dad did stuff like this." "Oh, he never used to, not till he and my mom split up." " Really?" " Hey!" "Maybe your parents should get a divorce." "Did wonders for my dad." "Jamie!" "Hot chocolate?" " Hello?" " Jamie, how are you doing, old buddy?" "Hi, Dad!" "I knew you'd call!" "Hey, listen, let me talk to your mother." " You can't." " Why not?" "She's next door petting Ted." " She's what?" " Listen, Dad, are you on your way?" "The parade's gonna start soon." "Jamie, get your mother, please." " Well, are you?" " Am I what?" " Coming home soon." " Yes, immediately!" "Now please get your mother!" "'Cause, Dad, before you left... you promised that you were gonna be at the parade." "You haven't been here all day, so you can't miss it." "Jamie, please." "'Cause, Dad, when someone makes a promise, they definitely should keep it." "You know, it's like what Turbo Man says:" ""Always keep your promises if you want to keep your friends."" "Enough!" "Enough of this Turbo Man, okay?" "I had it up to here with this Turbo Man!" "If there's anyone I don't want to have advice from right now, it's Turbo Man!" "Now get your mother!" "I'm sorry, Jamie." "Look, I didn't mean" "What would you know about keeping your promises?" "You never keep your promises!" "You never do anything you say you're gonna do!" "Ever!" "Damn you, Howard." "Here you go, my man." "This will warm you up." " Thanks." " Cheers." "You?" "Peace!" "'Tis the season to be jolly." "Yeah." "Any luck in finding that doll?" " No." " Me neither." "Maybe this will help." "Oh, yeah." "So I couldn't find the kid a doll." " Does that make me a bad father?" "No." " Nah." "But yelling at him for no good reason?" "Now, that makes me a bad father." "Look, we get one chance a year to prove we're not screwups." "And what do we do?" "We screw it up." "I remember a few years ago..." "I wanted to do something really special forJamie." "So, I built him his own clubhouse." "It came out great." "Oh, it-Well, I mean, the door was a little crooked, right?" "And the roof didn't sit quite straight... but you should have seen his face light up." "Oh, when he saw that, he was so excited." "We played in that clubhouse the entire day." " He even made us have Christmas dinner in it." " No!" "Oh, yeah." "I was the hero then." "Look at me now." "You're right." "That kid's gonna need some serious therapy, man." " Oh, don't say that." " Mm-hmm." "I know what I'm talking about." "See, I never forgave my father." "I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy- a Johnny Seven O.M.A. gun." " You remember those, don't you?" " No." "I still remember the commercial like it was yesterday." "Two kids playing out in the backyard." ""Johnny to Peter.Johnny to Peter." "Enemy sighted."" ""Roger there!" "Open fire!"" "And then Johnny would whip out his Johnny Seven O.M.A. one-man-army gun." "Seven guns in one- count 'em!" "One- it's a grenade launcher." "Two- it's an anti-armor gun." "Three- it's an antitank gun." "I see ya, buddy." "Four- it's a rifle." "Five- it was a tommy gun." "Six- it's an anti-aircraft gun." "Just in case somebody survived, seven was a cap-firing pistol." "Thing looked like a blast." "But" " Of course, for my old man..." "Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down." "I never did get thatJohnny Seven O.M.A." "Sorry to hear that." "Hey, don't mean nothin'." "You ever heard of a guy named Scott Sherman?" "Yeah." "C.E.O. of Sherman Industries." "He was my old neighbor... and his dad got him a Johnny Seven O.M.A. gun." "You know what happened?" "He became a billionaire." "And me?" "Well" "I'm just a loser with no future." "Here's to you, Dad." "I can't let this happen." "It's just a doll." "It's just a stupid little plastic doll!" "Uh-uh-uh." "That's "action figure."" "There's got to be one around here somewhere!" "You say you've been looking everywhere for a Turbo Man doll?" "Yes." "You say you'd do just about anything to get your hands on one?" " Yes, yes." " Well, KQRS has good news for you." "If you're the first caller to correctly identify all eight of Santa's reindeer... you will be the winner of the hottest toy sinceJohnny Seven O.M.A." "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen." "All right." "It's easy." "Just call 555-KQRS." " No!" " I don't think so, buddy!" "My arm!" "Give me the phone!" " Give me the phone!" " There you are!" "Comet, Cupid, Prancer" " KQRS." "Hello." " Okay, I got the answer!" "No, you don't!" "You!" " Why did you do that?" "I got through!" " 911!" "911!" " I got through!" " Help!" "Hey, look, you guys, the radio station's just two blocks down on Wabasha." "I got the... answer!" "I got the answer!" "Bye-bye." "Sorry." "Oh, he barked up the wrong tree!" "Oh, I can run like this for miles!" "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!" "Ha, ha!" "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!" "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!" "Ha, ha!" "I'm having a good time!" "Bye!" "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen..." "Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!" "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen." "KQRS." "You're on the air." " Dasher, Dancer" " Uh, Randy, Jermaine, Tito" "Nope, not even close." "Sorry." " Maybe this will put us in the mood" " I got the answer!" "Let me in!" "Let me in!" "I got the answer!" "Come on!" "I got the answer!" "Yes, I got the answer!" "Come on." "Open up!" "Open up!" "Yeah, I got a madman in my studio, and" " Help me!" " You can't just" " Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!" " What?" " You see, I couldn't get through on the phone." " Did I win?" " Oh, no, it's not that simple!" " No, it's-Wait, wait, wait!" " You're too late!" "I've already got the right answer!" "I won!" "Yeah!" "I don't need the right answer to win!" "I got this!" " And what's that?" " This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device!" " A bomb?" " Good Lordy!" "Yes, in layman's terms- a bomb!" "So back up!" " You built a bomb?" " I didn't have to build a bomb." "Don't you read the news?" "Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day." "I just kept one in case I ever needed it." "So give me the doll, or I'm gonna blow up everybody in this place!" "Are you out of your mind?" "Put this thing away!" "This is not worth it!" "Maybe not to you, but to me it is." "So back up!" "Myron!" "Come on, old buddy." "Give me the package, all right?" "Come on." " Did you call me buddy?" " Yeah." "I am not your buddy!" "I tried to be your teammate!" "I wanted to be your friend!" " But no!" "You had other plans for Myron Larabee!" " No, I had no plans." "You were no different than the rest of those civilians... those common letter writers who make fun of my kneesocks and my safari hat in the summer!" "Are you laughing at me?" " Huh?" " Oh, no!" "Lord, no." "No, not at all." "Mr. Ponytail Man, I know you!" "I know your kind!" "You're the kind that puts the trash can in front of the mailbox... so I have to get out of myJeep, don't you?" " No, not true!" "I recycle!" " Shut up!" "That's right!" "Shut up!" "Why do you think the window's there?" "So I can just put the mail in there!" "But you act like everything's okay!" ""Hey, Mr. Mailman!" Like I have no feelings of my own!" " Hit the deck!" " Oh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Look, I'm" " I'm sorry." "I've been under pressure since this Zip+4 thing." " You twisted" " Don't hit me!" "I got sickle cell!" " Don't hit me!" " Excuse me." "Gentlemen." "Are you two under the impression... that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?" " Yes." " That's what you said on the radio." " Oh, no." "No, no." "No, no, no, no." " Yes, you did." "What I actually said was whoever won would get a doll eventually." "You see, what we have here" "Ha!" "Oh!" "Is a gift certificate." " A gift certificate?" " Right." "As soon as they get some in the stores" " Did you call the cops?" " Well- kinda." "Let's get outta here." "But I'm going first, buddy!" "Better luck next time, loser." " Freeze!" " Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, guys!" "Just can't stay out of trouble, can you?" "You wouldn't want to hurt a fellow civil servant, would you?" "What's all this violence?" "It's Christmas." "I was just delivering some Christmas" " Hey!" "Back up!" "This is a homemade explosive device!" "And I'll blow it up!" "Know why?" "'Cause I work for the post office!" "So you know I'm not stable!" "Tell them!" "This man is totally insane." "Thank you!" "Now put the guns down." "Now!" "Put them down!" "Brother man, put your gun down!" "Everybody!" "You, too, BarnabyJones." "All right, just stay there." "And I'll know if you move, 'cause I have the ears of a snake!" "Ciao, baby." " Oh, you shouldn't mess with that." " Relax, Sparky." "I was on the bomb squad for 10 years." "I'm the man!" "I'm the man!" "Gentlemen, we've been duped." "This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package." "That was really a bomb?" "This is a sick world we're living in." "Sick people!" "How many years on the bomb squad?" "Liz, honey..." "I did everything within my power to get the doll forJamie." "But look, I got a gift certificate, which is just as good." "Eh!" "Too happy." " Show a little emotion." " Emotions." "Oh, Liz, I'm so sorry I didn't get one." "I failed as a husband, and I failed as a father." "Could you ever forgive me?" "Please?" "Why don't you just put on a dress and weep like a little girl?" "Thanks a lot." "That son of a" " What are you doing?" " Your star wasn't up." "It's Christmas eve." "You've gotta have your star up." "I'm out all day... and he's in my house... putting up my star on my tree." "I got a Turbo Man forJohnny months ago." "It's nestled safely under our tree." "Nestled safely under our tree." "Safely under our tree." "I'll show him." "Ha!" "Oh, I-I'm sorry, Ted, but that's Howard's job." "He always puts the star on." "He's adamant about it." "Too bad he's not as adamant... about spending time with his family on Christmas eve." "It's turbo time!" "Liz, do you hear that?" "Carolers!" "The back door." "What am I doing?" "Look at me." "Stealing from a kid?" "I can't do this." "You're gonna go back." "Nice doggy." "Nice." "Oh!" "No!" "Oh." "Balthazar." " Howard?" " Hi." "Uh-oh." "Uh!" "What are you doing?" " I, uh" " What's that?" "Oh." "You can always count on me." " That is Johnny's Turbo Man." " What?" " It's not what you think it is." " Oh, it isn't?" "Really?" "Then do tell me what it is, because as far as I know... you gotJamie his own Turbo Man weeks ago." "What it looks like is that you've broken into our neighbor's house... and you're stealing presents from under the tree." "Liz, if you just give me a second, I could explain it to you." "I know parts of this are going to sound completely ridiculous... but let me tell you the truth." "Howard, I've been listening to your version of the truth for far too long now... and honestly, I don't want to anymore." "All I want is to salvage what's left of Christmas eve... and go to the parade with my son." "Liz, please." " Ted, would you drive us?" " Of course." "You can't bench-press your way out of this one." "Oh, God." "You picked the wrong day." "Uh!" "Oh." "You started it." "Mom, do you think Dad's gonna be at the parade?" "I wouldn't count on it, honey." "Hey, Turbo Man's gonna be there." "You can always count on him." "Hey, Rudolph, can I buy you another round?" "Here." "Sorry, buddy, but you're on your own." "It's time I start keeping my promises." "There." "You see?" "Well, it looks like it's that time of year again- the 1 2th annual Holiday Wintertainment Parade." "I'm weatherman Gale Force here with the lovely Liza Tisch of A.M. Live." "Merry Christmas, Gale." "We're high atop Channel 29's parade central... to keep you updated on all of this year's parade action." " Let's watch" " And listen." "The parade's already started!" "Hey, Dad, there's Owen and his dad." "Can we get out and stand with them while you park the car?" " Please?" "Please?" "Please?" " Yeah, please?" "Please?" " Okay." " Okay." "We'll meet you there." "Yes!" "Yeah!" " And don't go wandering off." " Okay, Mom." " And, Jamie, put on your hat." " I know." "Owen!" "Owen!" "All right, kids." "Come on." "Oh, wow!" " Check it out!" " You see Turbo Man?" " Nah." "They're saving him for last." " Ah." "Oh!" "This is awesome." "Cat in the Hat!" " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Couldn't you just take Fourth Street?" "Sorry, pal." "All the roads are packed." "Everybody's trying to get to the parade." " You know, Turbo Man's gonna be there." " I know." "Go ahead." "Come on." "Let's move it up." "Liz, I'm sorry you had to go through that back there." "Here." "Have some nonalcoholic eggnog." "Oh." "I'll be fine." "You can't hide your feelings from me." "Go on." "Let it out." "Get it out of your system." "No, really, Ted." "I'm okay." "I don't think so." "Liz, you're like a lost and frightened foal." "I can see it in your eyes." "Don't worry." "Ted's here." "That's... very sweet." " You deserve better, Lizzie." " Lizzie?" "Someone you can talk to, a shoulder to cry on." "It's useless, Liz." "We can't hide our feelings any longer." "Feelings?" "You know, Liz, I don't have to tell you, I'm a very eligible bachelor." "There are lots of women who would give anything to be in your position right now." "Well, I'm a lucky, lucky girl." "For me, it all started months ago... at your Labor Day barbecue, remember?" "And you asked me how to marinate ahi tuna... and I said, "All you need is Italian salad dressing."" "You!" "Come here." "Stop that man!" "Enough talking." "Ow!" "Well, that didn't exactly go as well as I'd hoped." "You!" "Who are you?" "Are you the guy?" " Huh?" " Oh, thank God." "Hey, we got him, people!" "Okay." "Okay, listen up." "We're running late here, so pay attention." "You already read the instruction manual we sent you... so you know all about all the important controls." " Let me just go over a couple of the changes." " What changes?" "There are three cutoff valves to the nitro fuel." " What are you talk" " Here, here and here." "The normal reading on the pressure gauge should read anywhere below 50." " But I" " Not 70 like we told you earlier." " The emergency cutoff switch is here." " But you don't understand." "The primary controls are gonna be right here." "And there's also a microphone inside the helmet... that will alter your voice to the proper tonality." " Procedure-wise-same as we talked about over the phone." " Procedure?" " Stick to that, there shouldn't be any problems." "Questions?" " Yes." "Before you say anything, let me just take a moment and speak for everyone... when I thank you for filling in for Pete on such short notice." "It was a total freak accident what happened at rehearsal." " We're confident we got all the kinks worked out of the system." " Accident?" "You should know the doctor said Pete actually showed some brain activity this morning." "Yeah!" "That's a really good sign." "Move it out, people!" "Finally!" "Where the hell have you been?" "Geez!" "I've been sweating like a dog in a Chinese restaurant... waiting for your sorry ass to show up." "Well, it's show time." "I know you." "You're Booster." "Yeah, and who the hell do you think you are" " Mary Poppins?" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "Let's do it!" " Go!" "Go!" "Go!" " Wait a minute." "Let's talk about this." "Have a great show." "And now, the moment you've all been waiting for." "Here he is, boys and girls, live and in person" "Turbo Man!" "Wow." "Wave, you idiot!" "Wave!" "Wave?" "Yes." "This is cool." " Yeah!" "Whoo!" " Look, Mom." "It's Turbo Man." "I can get into this." "Liza, in a few moments, Turbo Man himself... will select a special child from our audience." "That little boy or girl will be the lucky winner... of a special edition Turbo Man doll." "Aw, man!" "Awesome!" "Hey!" "You're supposed to be holding this!" "Oh." "Yes!" "Yes!" " Hey, rock star." "Better be on your toes." " Yeah?" " Dementor's gonna be jumping on the float." " Who?" "Oh, what's he doing?" "Look, would you pick a kid already?" "Pick a kid?" "Pick a kid so he can come up here and get his prize!" " Pick me, Turbo Man!" " Over here!" "Turbo Man!" "Turbo Man!" "Pick me!" "Pick me!" "Over here!" " He's looking at me." " Here!" "No." "He's looking at me!" " See that?" "He's pointing at me." " Nah, it's me!" " Me!" "Me!" " Me!" "Me!" " Me!" " Me!" "Jamie!" "He knows my name." "Liza, I think Turbo Man has selected a winner." "Go ahead." "Go ahead, honey." "Go." "Go, Jamie!" "Merry Christmas, Jamie." "Wow." "How did you know my name?" "Well, Jamie, you see, I'm your fa" "Oh, no, kids!" "It's Turbo Man's archenemy" " Dementor!" "Oh, shut up!" " Shut up!" " Was that in the script?" "All right, kid." "Give me the doll, and nobody gets hurt." " Myron?" " That's right, Turtle Man." "Thought you could outsmart me, didn't you, huh?" "Thought your little suit idea was so slick." "But you know what?" "I'm one step ahead of you... because I've got a bigger brain." "Just stay here." "Come on, Myron." "You're taking this too far." "Hey, I'm not going home without that doll!" "Hey, buddy!" "This ain't the way we rehearsed it!" "You know what?" "Nobody likes you, Booster." "Whoa!" " We don't like you, Booster!" " We hate you, Booster!" "Hey, where do you think you're going, kid?" "Come back here, my little pretty- and your little doll too!" " Hey, Myron!" "Leave the kid alone!" " Gotcha!" "Ta-ta, Turtle Man." "Uh-oh, Liza." "It looks like Dementor has beaten Turbo Man." "Oh, no, Gale." "This could be the end of civilization as we know it." " Do something, Turbo Man!" "Use your turbo discs!" " My what?" "On your arm!" "Hey, Myron!" "I have a special delivery for you." " Huh?" " Hah!" "All right!" "Yeah!" "Oh!" "It appears that Turbo Man has saved the day." "I'm going to take you back to your mom, okay?" "Go!" "Go!" "Demon Team!" "It's the Demon Team- Dementor's evil henchmen!" " What you gonna do now, kid?" " Hyah!" " What about my son?" " Don't you know the choreography?" " Mom!" " Jamie!" "I ain't through with you, kid!" "Get out of my way, box!" " That's it!" " Come here!" "I'm sorry I hollered." "Get out of my way!" "Get out of my way!" "Get out of my way!" "Come here, boy!" "Get that popcorn out my face!" " Come on!" " Go ahead!" "Go ahead!" "You know what, kid?" "You need a time-out." " Jamie!" " Don't worry, ma'am." "It's all part of the show." " Please." "Get back up on the sidewalk." " That's my son up there!" "Oh!" "He's wonderful!" "He's not part of the show!" "I'm scared ofheights." "You ever see the movie Vertigo?" "That mean anything to you?" " Let's get this guy!" " What are you doing?" "Oh!" "Look." "Uncle Myron wants to talk to you." "All right, kid!" "End of the line!" " Just give me the doll!" " Never!" "Fly!" "Fly, Turbo Man!" "Use yourjet pack!" "It's turbo time!" " Wow!" " Whoa!" "I think I'm getting the hang of this!" " Turbo Man!" "Help!" " Jamie!" "I got you!" "Jamie!" "Uh!" "Out of my way!" "Let us pray." "What the" "Whoa!" "Ha, ha!" "I got you, kid." "Just give me the doll, kid!" "Get up!" "Get up!" "Turbo Man!" "Use your turbo-rang!" "Come on!" "Ha, ha!" "Missed me!" " Oh!" " Ha, ha!" "Victory is mine!" "V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Wow!" "I got it!" "I got one!" "I finally got one!" " Turbo Man!" "Help!" " Jamie!" " Gotcha!" " Yes!" "Thanks, Turbo Man." "I knew you'd save me." "You can always count on me." "Awesome!" "Here you go, ma'am." "Mom!" "Did you see that?" "I was flying with Turbo Man!" "He saved me from Dementor!" "It was the coolest!" "Did you see it?" "Did you?" "I saw." "I saw." "Oh, thank you, sir." "I don't think you know how much he means to me." "Oh, I think I have an idea." "What's the matter, Jame?" "It's just" " I wish that Dad could have been here, you know?" "To see me fly and all." "But he didn't come, and it's all my fault." "He's mad at me." "We had a fight on the phone... and I kind of yelled at him." "Jamie, your dad is not mad at you." "He loves you more than anything in the whole wide world." "You're his all-time favorite person." "How do you know all that?" "Well, who would know better than me?" " Dad?" " Howard?" " I'm right here." " Howard!" "Oh, Liz, you two mean more to me than anything." "I'm so sorry if I haven't shown that lately." "I know I've been neglecting both of you." "But no more." "I love you." "I love you both." " Johnny, what's goin' on here?" " Look!" "Jamie's dad is Turbo Man!" " Let's get outta here!" " Dad, you smell like barf." "Young man." "I think I have something that belongs to you." " Thanks!" " You're welcome." "And as for you, Turbo Man... we could use a man like you on the force." "Thanks." "I'll keep that in mind." "Oh, I'm sorry about the bike... and the coffee... and the bus... and, uh, the bomb." "I had it!" "I had it!" "I had it right here in my hands!" "What am I gonna tell my son on Christmas morning?" " How am I gonna look him in the eye?" "How?" " Wait." " Did you see?" "I had it, man." "I was so close." " Wait." "Merry Christmas." " Wow." "Wow." " But" "Hey, thank- thank you." "Thank you." "You know, this is gonna make my son really happy." "I'm sorry about that, uh, little tension we had on the roof." "Hey, it's cool." "But, Jamie, I thought you wanted this doll more than anything." "What do I need the doll for?" "I got the real Turbo Man at home." " Oh!" " Turbo Man!" "That-That's my husband." "Turbo Man!" "Turbo Man!" "That's my dad!" "That's my dad!" " Hey!" " Yeah, look at that." "There it is." " Voila!" " Beautiful." " Perfecto!" " Mmm!" "Howard, I've been thinking." "Everything that you went through today forJamie... really shows how much you love him." "And, uh-And if you're willing to go through all of that for him... just for a present... well, that makes me wonder." "What?" "What did you get me?"