"( # Bagpuss theme )" "(Snoring)" "(Screaming)" " I'm sorry." " I'm hit!" " I'm blind." " Buffy!" "(Screaming upstairs )" "(Rattling and screaming)" " Amber." " Amber." " Amber." " Amber." "Woof." "(Car races off)" "(Marsha ) I knew this day would come." "Still." "She had to go sometime." "(Swishing)" "I met this girl when I was travelling, whose dad had to go to war, but he was crippled." "Because she wasn't what her parents wanted, not that Amber wasn't what you wanted, but you know she was different, like a tomboy..." "So she stole her dad's armour and went to war instead of him and they won the war because of her." " That's Mulan." " That's her name." "Do you know her?" " It's a film." " It's a Disney film." "Yes." "And there's a song in it... which is about how she wants to look in the mirror..." "# And see her real reflection #" "I think that's probably a bit how Amber's feeling." "Like Mulan?" "Yeah." "Eddie Murphy does the voice of the dragon." "To my mind, his third best film." "Does anyone want a drink?" "Phew." "Bit early for that, innit?" "Yeah, go on, then." "I'm thinking more like a tea." "Are you worried about Amber?" "Nah." "She's got three languages and a Dutch cap." "She'll be fine." "Cheers." "You are so blind!" "You so do not understand!" "You weren't there at the beginning." "You don't know how good it was." "How important." "This is it for you." "This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert." "People like you make me sick." "What's wrong with you?" "Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your 50p's." "Take your pocket money and get out!" "(Sobbing)" "What a prick." "Tim, can I have a word in my office?" "Yes." "Have a seat, Tim." " Twiglet?" " Better not." "I was like you once." "Blond hair." "Scraggy little beard." "Child-like ears." "Full of beans and spunk." "I let my principles get in the way sometimes." "I punched a bloke in the face once for saying Hawk the Slayer was rubbish." " Good for you." " Thanks." "But that's not the point." "The point is, I was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity, when what I should have said is, "Dad, you're right."" "Let's give Krull a try and we'll discuss it later." "The Phantom Menace was 18 months ago, Tim." "I know, Bilbo." "It just..." "It still hurts." "That kid brought in a Jaja doll." " Kids like Jaja." " Why?" "What about the Ewoks?" "They were rubbish." "You don't complain about them." "Jaja Binks makes the Ewoks look like fucking Shaft." " I've had enough, Tim." " Bilbo." "I know how you feel, I do." "But this can't go on." "What you trying to say?" "(Sigh) I'm gonna have to let you go." "Phew!" "I thought you were gonna fire me then." "I was like ergh..." "Phew." "Look at that." "(Sobbing)" "Right, Daisy. 0ff to work." "Should be back in a couple of hours." "Mike." "Mike, have you got any money?" "If you mean actual currency, no." "I was sure I had some, but it just seems to have gone." "0h, I should, you know, get off." "You didn't sort of borrow it?" "You know, go through my pockets and..." " Steal it?" " I'm sorry." "That sounded really bad." " Did you steal it?" " No!" "Sorry." "No, you're right." "Have a nice day." "Thanks." "Mike, what do you do?" "I've never asked." "If I tell you that, I'll have to kill you." "What, is it like secret?" "No." "Hi, Bri." " Gone." " What's gone?" " Can't paint." " Yes, you can." "You're very good." "Mind's just blank." "Haven't painted anything in months." "I don't know what's wrong." "Maybe you should try approaching the canvas in different ways." "I have." "(Wails)" "(Screeches )" "How do you tackle a creative block, Daisy?" "Well, I'm actually very, very fortunate." "I rarely suffer from writer's block." " I'm extremely prolific." " Very lucky." "Yeah, I know." "Have you got any money, Brian?" "I've got to sign on today and I can't afford the bus fare." "Can't you go to the bank?" "Please, just a tenner?" "I haven't got a bank account." "They closed it." "I'm really worried." "I haven't signed on for three months and I didn't tell them I was going away." "I'm sure you'll be all right." "They're reasonable people." "Please!" "Just a tenner." "Tim?" "(Shouts )" " Is everything all right?" " Yes!" "Why?" "!" "No reason." "I've lost my job." "What?" "Why?" "Not Phantom Menace." " Better go." " All right, Bri." "Good luck with your blockage." "0h, a letter came for you." "Thanks." "Sorry about your job, Tim." "Yeah." "I'm sorry about your uncle, Brian." "Come on, mate." "It's not as if he hasn't fired you before." "He's a reasonable bloke." "If you talked to him you could sort it out." "I don't think so." "Someone's got an interview this afternoon." "Well, one thing's for sure, they'll be no Tim Bisley." "Well, it all seems to be in order." "When can you start?" "Come on, Tim." "There'll be other jobs." "Anyway, what about your comic?" "I'm sure the comic industry's desperately in need of a giant, mutant bird with special claws." "You've just got to get out there." " Yeah, well, I'm scared." " 0f what?" "(Jeering)" "Nothing." "Come on." "I was about to go and sign on." "Why don't you come with me?" " OK." " Lend me the bus fare?" " OK." " Yeah." "You've got a very special talent." "Sooner or later it's going to make you a lot of money." "Yeah, thanks, Daisy." "I wish I had another special talent to fall back on." "(Woman ) 'Dear Brian, I hope this letter finds you well 'and that you're not finding being a lawyer too stressful." "'Sadly, I'm writing with bad news." "'Your Uncle Kevin died in his sleep last weekend 'whilst driving to Staines on the M4." "'We hope you can find time in your busy schedule 'to come to the funeral, which is next Thursday." "'Lots of love, Mum.'" "(Snarls)" "I'm frightened." "What are you gonna say?" "I'll tell 'em I was ill and start crying." " That's you." "New claims." " Where?" "0h, yeah." "0K." " Good luck." " You, too." "Hello." "I'm Daisy Steiner." "I had an appointment at 10:30." "I'm late." "Daisy Steiner, you must take an AB form from the stand and then join the queue." "How long will I have to wait?" "I'm sorry, I don't understand." "Just fill out the form." "How long have you been unemployed, Mr Bisley?" "About an hour and a half." "Have you been looking for work?" "(Chuckles )" "That's good." "No." "Why did you leave your last job?" " I got fired." " Why?" "Difference of opinion." " The Phantom Menace." " Yeah." " Didn't you like it?" " No." "Well, leave this with me." "I'll get you some money out in the next few days." "(Phone )" "Hello." " Brian, it's me." " Hello, me." " How are you?" " Very well, thank you." " I miss you." " Miss me, too." "Would you like to come out for drinks later?" " Yes, please." " 'I could stay at yours.'" "I'm not working tomorrow." "We could stay in bed all day." "(Laughs )" "(Giggles ) So don't forget to wash your sheets." " Right." " And your penis." " OK." " 'Bye.'" "Bye." "Ah, no." "This is the Ab form." "You need the AB form, capital B." "But..." "What?" "I've been here for over an hour." "Just over there on the stand." "Is this it?" "0K." "You wanna sign on again." "Yeah." "You last signed on three months ago." "What have you been doing since then?" "(Sobs ) I've been ill." "Do you have a doctor's note?" "No, I lost it." "Look, this shouldn't be a problem." "I just want some money." "You've always given me money before." "Sure you haven't been on holiday?" "Me?" "God, no." "I couldn't afford that." "Not on my income." "(Speaking Vietnamese )" " You...bastard!" " What can I say?" "She liked me." "How am I gonna pay the rent?" "Just write some articles." "It's not as easy as that, Tim." "I can't just pluck another Winter Skin Care Dos And Don'ts out of the air." "Why?" "Well, maybe poverty will inspire you." "(Sniffing)" "It's not that bad." "Mike's giving us a few quid every week." "What if he wants to move out?" "He doesn't at the moment." "He's happy." "It's not as if he's gonna get a better offer by the time we get back, is it?" "Eh?" "(Whistling)" "Mike, d'you mind... (Both) What are you doing?" "Marsha has kindly offered me the position of lodger, which I have duly accepted." " But Mike..." " No, no." "You've been kind enough to let me stay, but now you're back, I should move on." "But we like having you here." "It'll be fine." "I'm only upstairs." "We can see each other every day." "We'll be able to legitimately use our walkie-talkies without going to the park." " Ready then?" " With you in one second." "Here he is, then." "My new lodger." "Hardly see the other one." "Yeah, Brian's spending a lot of time with Twist." "I mean, I hardly see her." "I sometimes hear her." "(Twist screaming orgasmically)" "Yeah, he was up earlier on." "I think he's having some kind of creative crisis." "Serves him right for getting his knackers in a twist." "Come on then, Mike." "I'm looking forward to having a strong bloke round the house." "Who's that?" " You, you pillock." " 0h, right." "0ooooooh, he's funny, isn't he?" "(Sighing)" "Any thoughts?" "I'll have to get some new batteries for my walkie-talkie." "No, about our situation." "We're both unemployed." "I'm getting no benefit." "We need money." "How else am I gonna afford aspirational magazines?" "I'm gonna get a job." "Why?" "You've just signed on." "You don't have to." "I like working, Daisy." "The smell of the ink, the taste of the biscuit." "Giving the littl'uns advice." "(Tim ) 'People like you make me sick!" "'" "(Child sobbing)" "Yeah, well." "So do I. I love working." "I was a barmaid once." "I loved it." "The hustle and bustle of a busy bar." " Can I get some service, please?" " 0h, fuck you." "What can I say?" "We are good with people." " Absolutely." " That's what writers do." "They take unrelated jobs in order to make money and...gain experience." "I temped in this office once and there were some great characters, real fodder." "There was this guy Tony... 0h, what did he say?" "Anyway, that's what I'm gonna do." "Everyone does things they don't want to do sometimes." "Mike isn't doing what he wants" " but he makes the best of it." " Does he?" " Move, move!" " (Children scream )" "Don't look at me!" "Move!" "I am gonna go to one of those temping places and put my name down for a job." "That's the spirit." "New horizons." " Pastures green." "Change." " And not the small kind." " Why is that funny?" " I don't know." "(Man ) You worked in a comic shop before?" "Yeah." "The Fantasy Bazaar." "Fantasy Bazaar." "That's Bilbo Bagshot's shop, isn't it?" " Yeah." " Why'd you leave?" " Difference of opinion." " Phantom Menace?" "Yeah." "And I wanted a change." " 0K." "When can you start?" " I'm sorry?" "When can you start?" "(Woman ) So, what kind of work can you do?" "Sorry?" "What kind of work can you do?" "Well, I'm creative, but I'm at home in the normal office environment." "But equally comfortable in the hustle and bustle of an eatery." "So that's anything?" "Yes, yes." "Anything." "I'm desperate." "(Banging)" "(Drilling)" " Everything all right?" " Yes, thank you, Mrs K." "Give us a shout if you need anything." "OK." "Anything at all." "0K, then." "I like to think I'm an approachable landlady." "0K, then." "(Roaring)" " That's great." " So anything you want." "Just ask." "There a key to this lock?" "Hello, Brian." "Hello." "Aren't you gonna invite me in?" " Bit busy." " Doing what?" "Nice to see you've tidied up a bit." "Thanks." "Daisy was telling me you're feeling a little dry." "Everything 0K?" " Mmm." " Yes?" "Don't know, Marsha." "Can't seem to get inspired." "Used to come so easily." "Thought I'd cracked it this morning." "Got a letter saying Uncle Kevin had died." "Next thing I knew, I was painting." "Couldn't stop." "Twist called and lost it." "Just went." "You know what your problem is, Brian." "What?" "You're happy." "I think you'll find you dried up the minute you started seeing Twit." " D'you think so?" " It's obvious." "You cannot have your cake and eat her, Brian." "Contentment is the enemy of invention." "0h, my God." "Funny, innit?" "You were so prolific when we was at it." " This is awful." " Innit." " What a dilemma." " Can't believe this." "It's so depressing, Brian." "You must be really worried." " Yes." " Angst-ridden." " Yes." " Inconsolable." "Yes." "Right, I'm off." "Mike's cooking beans, then we're gonna polish his guns and watch The A-Team, bye." "(Wails)" "(Paint brush swishing)" "I love it when a plan comes together." "(Phone )" "Hello, Silent Reading." "Yes, we do stock Jaja Binks merchandise." "Yeah, we've got him in cuddly form, lunch box, action figure and key ring." "No problem, bye-bye." "Well done, Tim." "You've just taken your first step into a larger world." "All right, Derek." "Bilbo." "I was wondering if I could have a chat with Tim." "Certainly." "I'll put some tea on." " Want a cup, Tim?" " Yes, please." "(Scoffs )" "He should mount his collector's editions in full view, not hide 'em away." "Man's insane." "Why'd you want to talk to me?" "So, how's it going?" "Yeah, it's all right." " What's Derek like as a boss?" " He's 0K." "I don't really agree with his policy on vintage comic display." "Tim, I'm sorry I sacked you." "It was a mistake." "Things not working out with the new guy?" "You could say that." "Hawk the Slayer's rubbish." " I see." " Will you come back?" "Well..." "I like it here." "What makes you think I want to come back?" "This." "(Tim sobbing) 'Bilbo, this is Tim." "'Please can I come back?" "I don't like it here.'" " You got that?" " I would have come in anyway." "The place is just not the same without you." "I'm already there." "What?" "I mean, I'll come back." "0h, yeah." "Yeah, you frightened me for a bit there." "I'll have to give my notice here." "Can't you just get fired?" "Derek, Babylon 5's a big pile of shit." "Get out!" "(Cheering)" "(Whooping)" "(Whistling)" "(Cheering)" "I got me job back." "(Cheering)" " I got me own room." " (Cheering)" "How's Brian doing?" "He's standing in the garden with no clothes on." "(Cheering)" " What about Daisy?" " She got a job in a bookshop." " Think she'll be all right?" " Erm..." "Yeah." "(Cheering)" "Excuse me, can you point me in the direction of Personal Growth?" "Fuck you." "(Man ) 'S'il vous plaít.'"