"( theme song playing )" "Right now, there are at least a dozen holes in the roof." "You've been promising to fix it for months." "Colonel?" "Mm-hmm." "Colonel." "What are you doing?" "I was asking about a new roof." "I'll look into it." "Dismissed." "Hey..." "I didn't know you went in for astrology." "I've heard Hitler's a big believer." "Mm-hmm, and Goering and Himmler." "And now Klink." "Germany's men of destiny." "Hmm." "You all take from the same fellow, sir?" "Oh, Hogan..." "Be cheaper;" "you get a group rate." "Hey, form a carpool, too, save on gas." "Colonel Hogan, I will not stand for any of your insubordination." "And stop looking at my chart!" "I didn't mean to pry, sir." "I was just trying to see if there are any roof repairs in your future." "Out!" "Very cranky." "And his horoscope said he was going to have a good week." "Well, he takes that very seriously." "Every night, he goes to his astrologer." "He told him that he might be promoted to general." "Klink a general?" "Sure, and then there's the one about the three bears." "Oh, Colonel Klink really believes in astrologers and fortune-tellers." "He said that some people are gifted, that they have a sixth sense." "Yeah, I know how he feels." "I used to be that way about fortune cookies, right up till my fourth birthday." "( door opens, closes )" "( door opens, closes )" "Captain Gruber, third engineers." "Sergeant Shriner, my aide." "Welcome to Stalag 13." "Well, gentlemen..." "Hogan..." "Huh?" "This is a restricted area." "I'm sorry, Colonel." "New men." "Just trying to be friendly." "Hi." "Colonel Hogan." "Hogan!" "Sorry, sir." "Colonel Hogan." "Hi." "( grunts )" "What's inside the half-track, Colonel?" "I wonder why they're covering it up." "Must be something real special." "Yeah, we'd better check it out." "How?" "I thought of the idea." "Was hoping you guys have the answer." "Hike!" "( yelling )" "Get up!" "All right, here we go, here we go, fellas." "All right, Carter, we'll keep Schultz busy." "Get underneath that tarp and find out what you can." "Work fast." "Here we go." "Hike!" "Hike!" "( yelling )" "HOGAN:" "Hey, Schultz!" "NEWKIRK:" "Hey." "Yeah, yeah." "Hey, Schultz." "Yeah." "How you doing with the new barmaid in town?" "Oh, Colonel Hogan, that woman is a hunk of wiener schnitzel, but she's running around with a corporal." "He has a few medals, and she is impressed." "Eh, choco..." "No, no, no, no, not when I'm on duty." "Oh, Colonel Hogan, you should see that woman." "Oh, I would give a month's pay just for one date, but... she loves heroes." "Mm." "SCHULTZ:" "American chocolate?" "Mm." "Maybe one little bite." "Colonel Hogan, your football looks like fun." "And that little Carter... (laughs)" "You should see him run-- he was flying by me..." "Where's Carter?" "Well, he's looking for the ball, Schultz." "Schultz?" "( Schultz muttering )" "Go get him." "Colonel Hogan?" "Yeah?" "What is that?" "Yeah, well, it must be the wind." "Very lumpy wind." "Yeah." "Oh, come on, you're getting jumpy, Schultz." "That is the wind." "Perhaps the half-track is haunted, huh?" "Could be." "( chuckles ):" ""Could be."" "Here, hold this." "Carter!" "Carter!" "Carter?" "Carter?" "What?" "Come ou..." "How could it be?" "( chuckles ) He went..." "Uh, yeah, I think it is haunted, Schultz." "Okay, fellas, back to the football game." "Bye, Schultz." "See you, Schultz." "Schultz." "HOGAN:" "See anything?" "Well, there's some sort of antenna on the top, and the control panel's in the side hatch." "It looks awfully complicated." "Could you describe it to London?" "Yeah, it's got a lot of dials and switches." "What kind of dials and switches?" "I don't know, dials and switches." "You know, you see one, you've seen 'em all?" "Well, what'd it say on 'em?" "Some German words and things." "You know, you're a bloody fountain of information, you are." "Well, I couldn't remember everything." "Nobody could; there's too many dials." "You-you could sit out there for hours making diagrams." "We won't have to-- LeBeau, get your camera." "Take pictures?" "Schultz is not going to let us go near that..." "Yes, he will, if we ask him nicely." "Mush, mush." "You want to take a picture of me?" "Uh-huh." "Oh, gosh." "Wait a minute." "No cameras allowed in camp." "You sold it to us, Schultz." "The silk stockings, remember?" "What do you say, Schultz?" "Yeah, come on, we want to have it to show to our kids someday." "Ah." "Um, how 'bout, uh, this?" "Not very artistic." "What do you think, fellas?" "Nah." "No." "No, sir, it's too ordinary, isn't it?" "Wait a minute." "How 'bout, uh, this?" "It's not quite right, Schultz." "What we need is a picture that captures the carefree, devil-may-care look." "Yeah, but yet enables one to sense that underneath is Sergeant Schultz, super-soldier." "You know what it is, sir?" "It's the setting." "It's too mundane." "What if he was in the half-track?" "In the half-track." "Yeah, it'd look like an action shot." "( men clamoring ) No, no, wait a minute!" "Hold it, hold it, Colonel Hogan, no, no, no, no, no!" "Please, Colonel Hogan!" "Colonel Hogan, no, no, no, no, no!" "This is top secret!" "That's even better, Schultz." "What could be better than Sergeant Schultz in front of Germany's newest secret weapon, huh?" "( men agree ) Boy, that'd really impress that little barmaid." "NEWKIRK:" "More than any medal." "All right." "Make it fast." "It'll only take a second." "Okay, okay, keep your face this way." "Up, up." "Oh, how can one man have so much?" "NEWKIRK:" "Okay." "Good." "Look at the birdie." "Look at the birdie." "This-this-this profile is..." "No, no, no, no, no, please, please." "Oh, that profile's dynamite!" "( camera clicks )" "NEWKIRK:" "Beautiful." "One more, buddy, and we'll be done." "Oh, boy." "Oh, that barmaid will crumble!" "( men laughing )" "Oh, I can hardly wait to see those pictures." "Neither can I, Schultz, neither can I." "( thunder rumbling )" "Another leak, and right over my bed." "Why don't you complain to the management?" "Give them an ultimatum." "Get the bellboys, get your bags, and tell him you're checking out." "I'm tired of waiting for Klink." "I'll fix the rotten holes myself." "( tapping )" "BAKER:" "Colonel?" "Yeah?" "Photographs did the job, and London's cracking." "Good." "Germany's got something new in that half-track:" "a magnetic deviator." "It's used to throw off the aiming mechanism on our radar." "They want us to destroy it?" "They want us to send it to them." "Is that all?" "Ha!" "If they can look one over, they'll be able to figure a way to neutralize it." "How are we supposed to get it?" "Carry it across the compound right out in the open?" "That's suicide, Colonel." "Klink's off to see his astrologer, while I have to go and fix the roof." "Tomorrow, we may be dead, but at least we'll be dry." "Colonel, what are we going to do?" "HOGAN:" "We got to figure a way to get that gadget out of the half-track." "Thank you, Carter." "I needed that." "( thunder rumbling )" "( thudding outside ) It's LeBeau!" "BAKER:" "Are you okay?" "Did you see that bolt of lightning?" "Missed me by that much." "You sure you're all right, Louis?" "Yes, but if it came an inch closer," "I would have my ears pierced-- the hard way." "That bloody Klink." "He should be here seeing our roof being fixed instead of fleeing off having his flaming fortune told." "Bleeding idiot." "I'd like to tell his bloody fortune for him." "You just might be able to do that." "Huh?" "Tell his fortune for him." "LeBeau, I think that lightning did hit you." "But it didn't." "It missed me by that..." "It hit you!" "The lightning hit you, LeBeau, and a strange thing has happened." "Your Basque blood has mysteriously awakened." "You're now psychic." "Boy." "A gypsy who sees all:" "past, present and future." "What are you talking about?" "Klink believes in fortune-tellers." "You're going to win his complete confidence." "I don't get it." "We've got to get Klink to move his guards so we can get that gadget out of the half-track, right?" "Now, if Klink believes our little gypsy knows everything, he'll do whatever our little gypsy tells him." "And our little gypsy's going to tell him to move the guard." "Uh-huh." "Well, one problem, Colonel:" "how do I make him believe I know everything?" "But you will know everything." "Let's see what we have here." "Application for a furlough here." "Letter from his mother." "Another one from his mother, and another one." ""Dearest Wilhelm, how are you?" ""My back is giving me a little trouble," ""and your brother Wolfgang is out of work again." ""In fact, so's the whole factory." ""They think they were hit by bombs," ""but your brother was mixing chemicals in the cellar." "Hope to hear from you soon." "Love, Mom."" "Army directives." "The lost cigars are here." "Right." "See how easy it is to be psychic?" "Tomorrow, we start Operation Gypsy." "Vier, funf, sechs, sieben, acht, neun, zehn." "Uh..." "KLINK:" "Report!" "Report!" "Schultz." "Yeah, yeah." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "What's going on here?" "Sorry, Herr Kommandant." "All present and accounted for." "Then what's the difficult...?" "There's no difficulty." "Hogan, would you please tell Rudolf Valentino here he's out of uniform?" "Crazy thing, Colonel." "He's been that way ever since last night." "He was up fixing the roof, got hit by a bolt of lightning." "Lightning?" "Seems to have stirred something in him." "He's Basque, you know." "Great-grandfather was a full-blooded gypsy." "He seems to have reverted." "And he thinks he's a gypsy?" "( laughs ) Isn't that something?" "And not just your average, everyday gypsy." "He thinks he's psychic." "NEWKIRK:" "Uh, sir, there might be something to it." "After all, he did tell me where to find me ring, didn't he?" "We lost it about three months ago, sir." "We tore the camp upside down looking for it." "I forgot all about it." "And then, last night, voilà, LeBeau says," ""Look behind the tool shed," he said, and sure enough." "Hmm." "It's meaningless-- he could have put it there." "Exactly what I said." "How's your mother's back?" "Not too good." "Now, Newkirk, to be truly psyc..." "What did you say?" "I was asking about your mother's back." "My mother?" "You know..." "She's depressed, but she'll feel better when your brother gets another job." "My brother?" "You know about him?" "He's raving again, sir." "He's been doing that ever since..." "And your visit home next month will cheer her up." "That's incredible, Hogan." "He knows about my furlough, and I haven't even filed a request yet." "Come on, Colonel." "You're not gonna pay any attention to that." "No, no, no, no, there's something to this." "He knows about my brother, my mother, and a furlough I was just thinking about." "How do you explain that?" "Lucky guess." "No, no, no, Hogan." "This man is something special." "Thank you, General Klink." "Now, Hogan, let me..." ""General Klink?"" "You did say "General Klink," huh?" "Ah, LeBeau, please come in, come in." "Make yourself at home." "Sit down." "Can I get you anything?" "Uh, some brandy, huh?" "No." "How about a cigar, huh?" "Behind the filing cabinet." "Incredible." "Oh, come on, Colonel." "He could have put 'em there." "No, Hogan, I was watching him all the time." "I still think he's faking." "LeBeau, just a minute ago, out there, you called me a general." "I'm only a colonel." "I must tune into your wavelength." "( soft groan )" "Klink..." "Klink..." "Klink." "I'm in the future." "You are a general." "I see it clearly." "Berlin." "Hitler himself promotes you." "Hmm." "Exactly what my astrologer said." "I'm at your promotion ceremony." "Your brother is there... still not working." "Well, it wasn't his fault." "You see, the bombers were..." "Hitler is saying, "You are a hero."" "You saved a secret weapon, something from this very camp." "A magnetic..." "D..." "E..." "V-V..." "Deviator." "He knows about that?" "Unbelievable." "There is something to this." "I'm getting static." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Wait." "I'm on your mother's wavelength." "( whispering ):" "Any messages, sir?" "LeBeau-- the magnetic deviator-- how do I save it?" "The Allies know about it." "They are sending a group of commandos to capture it, but you've set a trap for them." "A trap?" "How?" "Where?" "Come on, Commandant." "You're taking unfair advantage." "This is illegal, using a gypsy in time of war, and against his own side yet." "Quiet, Hogan." "This man has got to come out of his trance." "Now, wake him up." "Hogan, out!" "That's an order." "Okay." "Okay." "But I'm gonna report this." "There's got to be something in the Geneva Convention about a big-mouth gypsy." "Now, LeBeau, you tell me... the commandos-- when are they coming?" "Very soon." "It's tonight." "They will attack at the front gate, but it will fail because of a Klink master stroke." "You've ordered every man in the camp to the front gate." "Every man?" "The front gate?" "Everyone?" "You will need them all to spring a trap and save the magnetic deviator." "And leave the rest of the camp unguarded?" "There will be no escapes." "You have the prisoners cowed." "True, true." "But that's risky." "Oh." "As Hitler will later say," ""Only a great hero would dare try it,"" "and in years to come, this maneuver will be known in military parlance as the "Klink Dipsy Doodle."" "Hmm." "The "Klink Dipsy Doodle."" "Lovely night for a battle." "They're ready for anything." "Hello, Phantom." "This is Papa Bear." "Are you ready?" "Over." "Hello, Papa Bear?" "This is Phantom." "All set." "Awaiting orders." "All set, Colonel." "Well, let's wait a few minutes." "Give it a chance to get darker." "It's getting late, Herr Kommandant." "Perhaps the commandos are not coming." "They will be here." "I just hope nothing has happened to them." "All right, you know what you have to do." "Disconnect the magnetic deviator and bring it back here." "Mm-hmm." "But leave the nitro in the half-track." "Okay." "Kill the lights." "Let's go." "Good luck." "They've made it." "Let's get the war started." "Right." "Hello, Phantom, this is Papa Bear." "Commence firing." "Will do, sir." "( hissing )" "( screeching and popping )" "KLINK:" "They're here." "Schultz, give the order to commence firing." "( screeching and popping )" "Schultz, get up!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Commence firing!" "( gunfire )" "( whistling )" "( gunfire, whistling, and popping continue )" "( high-pitched whirring )" "( gunfire )" "Hello, Papa Bear?" "This is Phantom." "Over." "How's it going?" "Over." "Bloody marvelous." "You never told me they were gonna fire back at me." "Klink is anxious for that promotion, but you can hold out." "You're joking." "Errol Flynn would have trouble." "I got three pittance of fireworks here." "They got an armory full of live ammunition." "You can take off the minute the boys get back." "One more thing:" "keep your head down." "Roger." "( gunfire and screeching continues )" "Schultz, tell the men to prepare to attack." "Attack?" "You mean to go out there?" "I will lead you." "Herr Kommandant, perhaps it would be much better if you go out there alone." "After all, you are the colonel, and it would mean much more if you give the order to attack." "Schultz, there's nothing to fear." "I know." "My gypsy told me." "Cease fire!" "All right, men, follow me!" "( screeching and popping )" "( screeching and popping continues )" "They're on their way." "So are the bleeding Germans." "You've got to hold them off just a little longer." "( hissing )" "( explosion )" "Duck, Herr Kommandant!" "Schultz!" "He's not here." "Schultz, I'm ordering you to advance." "Herr Kommandant, may I first talk with my gypsy?" "If you can find one at the Russian front." "Forward!" "Keep going." "Tell Newkirk to get out." "Hello, Phantom." "Take off." "I thought you'd never ask." "They've gone." "They didn't even stay and fight!" "Somebody up there likes us!" "It's a rout!" "It's a rout!" "Oh, I can't wait to report this to headquarters." "Wait until General Burkhalter hears about the Klink Dipsy Doodle!" "You sure you set the explosives?" "It should go off any minute." "KLINK:" "Hogan!" "Your commandos have failed." "The half-track is still here, and my promotion is assured, thanks to my little friend..." "Shh." "I see a cloud on the Klink horizon." "It's a plane, an English plane, a bomber." "It's headed this way." "It's right here." "Well, I don't hear any..." "No!" "It's dropping a bomb." "Hit the deck!" "( loud explosions )" "Oh, my sympathies, Colonel." "I think your promotion just went up in smoke." "But I don't understand it, Hogan." "The gypsy didn't say anything..." "LeBeau, please, tune in on my wavelength." "Listen, will this help my promotion?" "How would I know?" "What's this doing on my ear?" "The explosion must have brought him back to normal." "But it can't." "I need him as he was." "Hogan, what will I do?" "Wait for another rainstorm." "We could always put him back up on the roof."