"( theme song playing )" "SCHULTZ:" "It's going to snow again." "The weather is getting a little nippy." "Yes, good thing the mail arrived." "Why?" "Are you expecting any warm clothing?" "No, I use the letters to cover the holes in my underwear." "I could use a few letters myself." "Yeah, in your case, Schultz, you'd need the New York Times, Sunday edition." "VENDOR:" "Gentlemen." "Gentlemen, what is your pleasure?" "Okay, fellows, time for an eggplant break." "Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein." "Verboten." "It's against regulation." "But Schultz, if you don't let him in, we can't buy his vegetables." "And if we don't buy his vegetables, he doesn't buy from the farmers." "The farmer has no one to sell to, he stops planting crops." "Without crops, there's no food." "And without food, the army starves." "HOGAN:" "You see, Schultz, if you don't let him in the front gate, you're going to blow World War II." "All right." "Ah, that's it." "You're a good old boy." "( all praising Schultz )" "Hey, you're a good one." "Here we go." "Come on." "Come on in, then." "We'll help you." "It's cucumbers, tomatoes... ( all clamoring )" "I'll have a tomato." "I'll take two tomatoes." "Yes, certainly, yes." "Um..." "Cucumbers, tomatoes..." "CARTER:" "Oh, I'll have this cucumber." "Carter, that's a little small." "Here, take the big one." "I'll take the little one." "Oh no, it's fine, sir." "Carter, I think I'd better have that cucumber." "Oh, no, sir, you take the big one." "But Carter..." "This is fine..." "What kind of crazy cucumb..." "I told you I should have this one." "Some celery..." "Production figures for the Luftwaffe." "Some cucumber." "Get this to the underground after roll call." "Right, Colonel." "Schultz!" "Schultz!" "What is going on here?" "Herr Kommandant, we are saving the German army from starvation." "What?" "You see, Herr Kommandant, if the prisoners do not buy from this man, this man is not going to buy from the farmers, the farmers are not going to do any planting, and if the farmers do not do any..." "Schultz!" "Throw that peddler out." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "VENDOR:" "Ich geh schon, ich geh schon." "SCHULTZ:" "Geh schon." "KLINK:" "No one goes in and out of here today without my permission." "Sounds like we're going to have company." "Is it Two-Ton Herman or the little sign painter?" "Hogan, it is not the Führer or Marshal Göring." "Don't tell me it's Himmler with the laughing face." "We are honored tomorrow by the presence of Field Marshal Kesselring." "He's coming through here on his way to Berchtesgaden." "Ah, Major Feldkamp, very good to see you." "Klink, what are these prisoners doing here at the gate?" "Oh, they're here on a work detail." "You see, it's the maid's day off and we thought with the field marshal coming..." "Are there any other state secrets that you think the prisoners should have?" "Major Feldkamp, I assure you..." "Why don't you give them the plans of the Normandy fortification, hmm?" "Thanks, anyway, Major, but we already have those." "Hogan!" "Confine these prisoners to barracks and double the guards." "Confine these prisoners to barracks and double the guards." "I confine you to the barracks and I double the guards." "Raus!" "How do I get this to the underground now?" "I suggest you consult with the chaplain." "I got an idea." "We sneak into Klink's quarters." "Now, we got the figures on the Luftwaffe's production." "we slip it into his bathing suit and we very carefully sort of cut the drawstring." "Then when he goes for a swim and he dives in the water, the drawstring breaks, his trunks float away, and we've got another underground agent waiting downstream." "You have gone crackers." "Well, I just wanted to see if anybody was paying attention." "I'm almost desperate enough to go with the plan." "I say we slip the message into one of the dog's collars, round up some fleas, put them on the dog." "They'll send him to a veterinarian, and we have an agent waiting at the doctor's office." "I think I liked the bathing suit plan better." "Come back later, Schultz, we're busy." "Just a moment, Colonel Hogan." "I'm inviting your men to a cocktail party." "Is that the bash for Field Marshal Kesselring?" "That's correct." "What time you sending the car around for us, Schultzy?" "Boy, I hope it's not formal, because this is the only outfit I have." "Don't worry about your outfit." "You are all going to wear white jackets." "What, the old busboy routine again?" "Well, you can tell Klink I'm out." "And I'm not going to be a waiter again either." "And you can get yourself another bartender." "Oh, come on, you're going to spoil" "Kommandant Klink's whole evening." "He planned a cocktail party for Marshal Kesselring in his quarters, and then a dinner party in town at the Hauserhof." "KINCH:" "If we don't get to go to the dinner, Schultz, forget it." "Oh, Colonel Hogan, please talk to the men." "Now, wait a minute, fellows." "You shouldn't let Colonel Klink down." "After all, he's done a lot of nice things for us." "Yeah, you're right." "I haven't thanked him yet for my scurvy." "How about you, LeBeau?" "Are you going to make those little hors d'oeuvres, eh?" "For the party?" "Of course." "Oh, good." "And Klink will serve me breakfast in bed on Bastille Day." "LeBeau!" "Turnabout's fair play." "Please, Colonel Hogan, tell them." "All right, Schultz, but in private." "I hear nothing!" "Adolf Hitler wears clip-on bow ties." "What did you say, Kinch?" "Just testing, Schultz." "This may be a way to get that paper to the underground." "But we're not going to the Hauserhof." "I know, but Klink is." "We could use him as the courier." "But Major Feldkamp, I don't understand you." "Why invite Colonel Hogan to a cocktail party?" "I thought you were afraid of giving him secrets." "I thought it would be nice for a change if we got some secrets from him." "But we've never been able to before." "A change of atmosphere, a few glasses of schnapps might loosen his tongue." "Very clever-- it's always loosened mine." "Ja." "We have all that in your bulging dossier." "Well, that's not what I meant, I..." "Just see that Colonel Hogan is there." "I've sent Sergeant Schultz with a personal invitation." "Any idea how we can plant the paper on Klink?" "In his belt." "That may be difficult." "Not if we switch belts." "Carter, you think you can duplicate Klink's belt?" "Oh, I don't have any leather." "I used the last piece I had to make a carrying case for my Dear John letters." "No problem, for Newkirk." "Hey, uh, Schultz, got good news for you." "Huh?" "I've got good news for you." "Oh, they're going to serve at the party?" "That's right." "( all affirming at once )" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much." "LeBEAU:" "What time shall we be there?" "What?" "What time shall we be there?" "At 6:00." "Yeah, well, tell Klink to start icing the champagne." "Oh, that's wonderful, wonderful." "Thank you from the bottom of Marshal Kesselring's heart." "So long, Schultz." "NEWKIRK:" "Ta-dah!" "No problem, Colonel." "Great." "Hey, hey!" "Excuse me, did... did anybody see my belt?" "No, I was surprised when you came in without it, Schultz." "But don't worry, we won't tell Klink you were out of uniform." "Thank you, Colonel Hogan." "Funny, I could have sworn I was wearing it when I came in." "Must have lost it, Schultz." "Hey, just be grateful it wasn't holding up your trousers." "Ta-dah!" "( belt pockets fall to floor )" "Oh, beautiful." "Thank you, Herr Kommandant." "Uh, uh, uh, Schultz." "This is for the brass." "Schultz." "Herr Kommandant, I came to tell you that all security measures for Marshal Kesselring have been taken." "What he really came for is to swipe a few of the hors d'oeuvres." "That's not true." "I had a lovely dinner at the mess hall." "Schultz, please, help yourself to the hors d'oeuvres." "Herr Kommandant..." "Quiet, Cockroach." "You mean it, Herr Kommandant?" "Why, of course." "Class distinction between officers and unlisted men is old-fashioned." "We're all in this together, comrades-in-arms, fighting for the fatherland." "How's it going?" "Do you feel anything cutting your gums, huh?" "Any nausea?" "Dizziness?" "Double vision?" "How many fingers do I have?" "You're using him as a food taster." "I'm shocked!" "SCHULTZ:" "T-T-That's all right." "Let him do it." "I'll show you, Herr Kommandant, there's nothing to worry about." "Have some stuffed eggs, Colonel." "Oh, thank you." "You see, Herr Kommandant, there's no poison in the hors d'oeuvres." "And no hors d'oeuvres in the hors d'oeuvres." "Well, I have another tray in the kitchen if you want to take a chance." "Then go out and get one, Cockroach." "Herr Kommandant, I go, too, to see there is no funny business going on." "Um, am I the first, sir?" "I don't want you to cause any trouble while Field Marshal Kesselring is here." "It'll mean the cooler." "Me, cause trouble?" "And none of your jokes, Hogan." "The Field Marshal has no sense of humor." "I wouldn't say that." "He's got some pretty funny planes in the Luftwaffe." "What are you saying, Hogan?" "Well, take the Messerschmitt 110-- has no maneuverability with a bomb load, and that's just for openers." "Yeah, it's only good as a fighter." "I don't want you to mention one word of this in front of the field marshal." "And the ME-109-- it has no air brakes." "It's no good as an escort." "No?" "!" "They're no match for our planes, that's for sure." "Kesselring selected those planes personally." "And you said he didn't have a sense of humor?" "Hogan, I order you not to mention one word of this while the field marshal is here." "Relax, Colonel, it's our secret." "FELDKAMP:" "Achtung." "Ah, welcome, Field Marshal Messerschmitt." "Kesselring." "Kesselring." "Nice to see you again, Colonel Klink." "Thank you, sir." "May I present Colonel Hogan." "Colonel." "Fräulein Ziegler," "Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan." "Sir, would you care for some hors d'oeuvres?" "Thank you." "We switched the belt on old Klink's coat." "Good." "Mmm." "Ah, Colonel Hogan." "The Field Marshal and I were having a friendly little argument today." "Tell me, why are your American airplanes so inferior to those of the Luftwaffe?" "Well, I think it's the speed." "Our new planes can't go over 500 miles an hour." "You have a plane that goes 500 miles an hour?" "Did I say 500?" "I meant 300." "You Gestapo have a way of tricking us." "Well, this is just a friendly little conversation." "Tell me, have you ever flown a radar-equipped airplane?" "I understand they are very hard to maneuver." "Um, have you known the field marshal long?" "A year." "I always seem to be attracted to military men." "How nice." "Especially a military genius like the field marshal." "Uh, did you know that the Luftwaffe considers us both military geniuses?" "Oh?" "I think my stock went up when Kessie picked the Messerschmitt 110 and 109." "You feel that was a mistake?" "It is a known fact that the 110 has no maneuverability with a bomb load." "I thought that was a military secret." "You're right, you are an expert." "No, it's, uh, genius." "This is fascinating." "Tell me more." "Well, you see the 109 has no air brakes and it's very difficult to use as a bomber escort." "And you know all these things about all our planes?" "Of course, my dear." "Will you excuse me for a moment?" "I'll be right back." "I want to hear more from my genius." "Anything you wish to know, just ask me." "Will you excuse us for a moment, Colonel?" "Of course." "How are you doing with Fräulein Ziegler?" "She thinks I'm a military genius." "Really?" "Oh, she's fascinated by me." "I hope that the field marshal is not jealous." "Well, maybe he'll retire early and you can make your move." "I don't need you, Hogan, to tell me when to make my move." "Colonel Klink." "KLINK:" "Ah!" "Your coat." "Major Feldkamp, how very, very nice of you." "And now we're off to the Hauserhof." "No, we are off to the guardhouse." "You have revealed military secrets." "You are under arrest for treason." "Just a minute, Major." "Colonel Klink didn't discuss any military secrets with me." "Ah, no, but he did with Fräulein Ziegler, who is one of our top Gestapo agents." "After you, Colonel." "You know, Klink has a good chance of being shot." "Yeah, and we planted that paper on him." "Maybe we can get him to leave that belt to us in his will." "You have a visitor, Herr Kommandant." "KLINK:" "Dismissed, Hogan." "Don't be too hasty, sir." "Hogan, I don't need your sympathy." "Please go away." "All right, but I just brought you a little something to eat." "Something to eat?" "Open up, Schultz, open up." "Leftover hors d'oeuvres, sir." "A shame you had to leave the party so early-- it really started to swing after you left." "Mmm... you have any more?" "Oh, yeah." "A little desert." "Mmm, thank you." "Here, uh, let me loosen that belt." "You seem a little stuffed from all that food." "What food?" "It's the first thing I've had all day." "Yeah, well, then let me take your coat." "It's a little warm in here." "Warm in here?" "It must be freezing." "Well, it's not the temperature, it's the humidity." "Hogan, please leave me alone." "You've caused enough problems." "Well, you're the one that shot off his mouth-- had to try to be a big man to that little blonde." "You're cruel, Hogan." "Well, it's the truth." "All a dame has to do is say hello to you, and you're ready to give her a road map to Hitler's bunker." "So I like women-- kill me." "I wouldn't say that too loud in here." "Hogan, the saddest day of my life was the day you got captured." "Are you kidding?" "Before I arrived, you had so many escapes they were going to put a revolving door at the front gate." "You told me about the Messerschmitt 110!" "Who asked you?" "Thought you'd like to know what's going on in the Luftwaffe." "I am the commandant of a prisoner-of-war camp, not a military expert." "That's "genius."" "Mein Herr Ex-Kommandant." "What is it, Schultz?" "I've good news and bad news." "Give him the good news first, Schultz." "They ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning." "That's good news?" "What's the bad news?" "They're not giving you a blindfold." "That's hard to believe, even for the Gestapo." "They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad." "Hah!" "They'll never get eight volunteers from my men." "I beg to report, Herr Kommandant, they did." "How many volunteered?" "Seventy-six." "How many men do you have?" "Eighty-two." "At least six of my men are loyal." "No, Herr Kommandant." "Two are in the hospital and four are on furlough." "Well, that makes it unanimous." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "We only have 80 men." "Not counting the two deserters, but they came back this morning when they heard that you were going to be shot." "Gin." "Gin?" "Did I catch you with much?" "I got so many kings and queens, it looks like a dance at Buckingham Palace." "You didn't get Klink's belt." "No, I didn't, and to tell you the truth, I'm just as glad I didn't." "Why?" "He may have to eat it for dinner." "They're really putting the screws on him, aren't they?" "They have the firing squad taking target practice outside his window." "That's cruel, even for the Boche." "Worse yet, they're using a monocle for a bulls-eye." "How's Klink taking it?" "He's taking it like the man that he is-- on his knees, sobbing hysterically." "We've got to come up with a plan for Klink's escape or we'll never get that belt." "Aw, he could never handle an escape." "Yeah, the colonel is right." "Some guard would shoot him in five minutes." "I think he's safer in front of the firing squad." "Hi, Schultz." "Shh." "Shh!" "What's up?" "I have a plan to get Commandant Klink to Switzerland, but I need your help." "Forget it, Schultz." "It won't work." "You haven't even heard my plan." "All right, let's hear it, Schultz." "Shh." "I put a little something into the dogs' food that will make them sleep." "Then when Corporal Wolfschmidt comes on guard duty," "I offer him a little schnapps." "He goes into my room-- that will give me the chance to plant some dynamite in front of Commandant Klink's cell and blow it up." "Then I'll take the Commandant Klink and put him into my brother- in-law's car outside the fence and off he goes to Switzerland!" "Don't like my plan, huh?" "Uh, Schultz, why don't you just use the key you have here to unlock his cell door?" "If you got enough dynamite to blow up the door, it'll blow up Klink." "How about the part with the dog?" "They hate you, Schultz." "You couldn't get within 20 feet of them." "He's right." "I have a plan." "Come here." "Stay with Wolfschmidt and the schnapps bit, forget the dogs-- they bite the hand that feeds them-- and also cancel your brother-in-law's car." "But what do we use to get Klink to Switzerland?" "Field Marshal Kesselring's car." "Oh, wunderbar, wonderful!" "Now, have Klinky in the car exactly 9:05 and leave the rest to us." "Oh, thank you, thank you." "I knew I could count on the prisoners to help the commandant to escape." "I thought we were not going to try to help Klink escape." "Well, you don't think that Laurel and Hardy can really make their plan work, do you?" "But if they try, they'll be shot by the ruddy Gestapo." "No, they won't." "I've got another plan." "It's going to save Klink's life, and we wind up with the belt." "SCHULTZ:" "Care to have some schnapps, Wolfschmidt?" "I have a bottle under the pillow in my room." "Go and get it." "What's the word, Schultz?" "I have good news and bad news." "This time give me the bad news first." "Headquarters turned down your reprieve." "So what could be good news?" "They're giving you steak with your last meal." "Oh, Herr Kommandant, I have a very good idea." "Herr Kommandant, I have a plan." "If you follow me, you will be in Switzerland in the morning." "Me run?" "Huh!" "Schultz, you forget" "I am a German officer." "My father before me was a German officer." "All the Klink men have always served in the military, and the one thing that has set them apart from all the others was their courage." "How would you like your steak?" "What do you want me to do?" "Stand back." "Ooh!" "Ooh, ooh." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I-I wanted to break down the door." "You don't have to." "Use the key!" "Oh, I'm sorry-- I forgot." "Just a moment, Herr Kommandant." "Shh!" "We've got five minutes left." "Any sign of them?" "Not yet, sir." "( metal crashing )" "Sounds like Stan and Ollie now." "Clumsy idiot." "I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant." "I didn't see the can." "Next time watch where you're going." "Shh." "They'll be shot before they even reach the car." "( cans crashing )" "Ooh... shh!" "( can bangs )" "Here they come." "Stand by." "Ow!" "( shushing ) Ah, ah, ah, ah!" "Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh." "Herr Kommandant, they have wonderful doctors in Switzerland." "Dismissed." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Herr Kommandant, good luck, and I hope we meet again." "Never mind, I'll do it." "( starter cranking, car doesn't start )" "Something wrong?" "The car won't start." "( starter cranking )" "We can push it." "That's right." "Now, push hard, Schultz." "Hurry up." "( straining ):" "Push, Schultz." "( grunting )" "HOGAN:" "What happened, Colonel?" "KLINK:" "The battery's dead." "HOGAN:" "All right, come on, everybody, push." "KLINK:" "All right, fine." "I'll get in now." "Oh, no, not yet." "What?" "But wait!" "Hey, wait, wait!" "My car, it's gone." "My only chance for freedom." "Ah... oh!" "( explosion )" "FELDKAMP:" "What is going on here?" "Klink, what are you doing out of the cooler?" "Well, for one thing, saving the life of Field Marshal Kesselring." "What are you talking about?" "It's obvious." "Colonel Klink looked out of his cell window, saw somebody planting a bomb in the field marshal's car, overpowered the guard, and at the risk of his own life ran out to save the life of the man" "who condemned him to death." "Is that what happened, Colonel Klink?" "Sir, I couldn't have told it better myself." "I am very grateful to you, Colonel." "You are a brave man." "Thank you, sir." "All right, Schultz." "Take the colonel back to the cooler." "No need for that, Major." "I am dropping the charges and reinstating him as Commandant of Stalag 13." "Thank you, sir." "Well, I think this calls for a celebration." "Why don't we all go to the Hauserhof?" "I'm sure Colonel Klink and I will be glad to buy the drinks." "Excellent idea!" "We can go in my car." "What are you talking about?" "This man is a prisoner!" "I keep forgetting." "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to host this party yourself." "Dismissed, Schultz." "Get in touch with the underground?" "They're at the Hauserhof waiting for Klink and his belt." "SCHULTZ:" "Well, gentlemen, we have good news and bad news." "What's the good news, Schultz?" "Colonel Klink is back." "What's the bad news?" "We have to call off the firing squad."