"What's this about?" "Um, I guess... professionalism." "At least going through the motions of doing the job and pretending it matters." "You're firing me?" "Henry, I need this job." "Well, I am sorry." "Okay, this's kind of what I'm talking about." "Am I un-fired?" "No." "I just lost my job." "I need a drink." "Please, Henry, don't" "Look, I warned you three times, Tim." "What am I supposed to do?" "Not give a shit like a human being." "All you had to do was be on time and not get drunk." "It's not a difficult job description." "It's because I was born short." "What?" "No, no--!" "You think it's easy holding that fucking tray up so high--?" "Tim, this is only because you're a shitty worker." "Henry?" "That's it." "The promoter's looking for you." "Yes, just in a second, Lydia." "Boss's busy firing me 'cause I make him uncomfortable." "It's, it's not true." "My car payments." "I'm gonna lose my car and my life will collapse because of you." "Are you happy?" "No, I'm not happy." "You love the power." "The big boss man." "You're gonna think about this tonight and jerk off." "And we are back..." "Does this seem okay to you?" "Oh, you look so handsome, sweetie." "Really?" "No." "No Hot Pockets, honey." "Just salad, study the Hannah Montanas, and bed." "You got new headshots again?" "Yeah, when my base jumping movie comes out," "I'll move up to B list." "Gotta rebrand, you know" "It's described in his contract." "Not only does this have six layers, not five, but it has four sides." "Okay, I understand." "You don't." "The man's a practicing Satanist." "Five is very important to them." "Five layers." "Five sides." "The pentagram." "You give a Satanist a four- sided sandwich, that's like giving Golda Meir a fucking baked ham." "We're on it." "We have new ones ready to go." "Henry, thank you." "If Jackal Onassis bitches to me about one more thing..." "No problem." "Those ready to go?" "No." "No?" "Hey, Henry, check this out, what do you think, man?" "Kyle, not now." "Roman, encore's over, I need these right now." "What the fuck do you want from me?" "I'm alone." "Where's Tim?" "Henry fired him." "What?" "Okay, Alan's sending a replacement." "Actually, it's someone we know." "Why'd you fire Tim?" "Tim's awesome." "Because he didn't give a shit about the job, which is something I actually wanted to talk to everyone about." "Okay, attitudes have been getting a little lax around here, so I just wanted to ask everyone if we could just act more professional." "What, I'm trying to be serious here, Roman." "I know, that's why it's funny." "Your posture and" "Just for tonight, can you please try and pretend to give even one millionth of a percent of a shit." "Wow, did Knute Rockne show up?" "Casey." "Welcome, thank you, for, you know, the short notice." "Everybody, you remember Casey?" "Oh, Lydia, I'm sorry, Casey Klein." "Hi." "Oh, welcome." "Thank you." "Casey's the replacement?" "Dude, isn't that kind of awkward?" "It's not, I knew she was coming." "Hey, Casey." "Yes." "Tell me if it's cool or--?" "Cool, yeah." "You're wearing a blouse, but... that's cool." "No, they said it was a unisex chemise." "I think it's lovely." "Thanks." "Hey, team leader." "That's fuckin' crazy that you're team leader." "Yeah." "We're kinda slammed, tonight so" "Okay, is there something I should do?" "Shit." "Goddamn it!" "Kyle, Roman, you take that one." "Here, can you pick those up?" "Cool." "Thank you." ""Born out of Satan's anus."" "Jeez, that's stupid." "Satan is a fallen angel." "He can't poo, he doesn't have an anus." "Must be awkward seeing Casey again, yeah?" "I think I'll be able to manage." "So, Uda must be fierce in the sack, huh?" "Actually, this isn't a conversation" "I'm going to participate in." "You don't have to." "It's common knowledge that uptight, controlling women are sexually explosive." "Casey!" "Hey!" "God, I'm glad to have a girl in this big boys' club." "Yeah." "You're so pretty." "You have to be an actress." "Oh, God, thank you." "I'm actually a comedian." "Oh." "Like Whoopie Goldberg?" "Sort of." "Ed, my ex, hates Whoopie Goldberg." "He said that women shouldn't do comedy because they're not naturally funny." "Well, club owners, many of them think that way." "And he has issues with blacks." "Oh!" "So why he would have an affair with one..." "That is a question for a psychologist." "Yeah." "Or as Ed would say, a "Jew faggot."" "I'm serious, Jackal, it was brilliant." "It was fuckin' brilliant." "Ah, thanks, Todd." "Thanks for being so full of shit, man." "And I wanna fuck your wife, so..." "Blah, blah, blah, bullshit from you, man." "Uh, corrected sandwiches." "Very sorry for the mix-up." "Oh, come on, man, I get bullshit from everybody in my life!" "You can't seriously be very sorry about sandwiches!" "This is your ex-husband?" "Very ex." "Yes, very ex." "Ug." "Me and Escapade left him back in Wapato." "Escapade, that's your car?" "My daughter the future star." "Your daughter!" "She acts, sings, dances." "Does comedy." "We sure would love some pointers on being funny." "Oh, God, I don't" "Ohh." "I mean, I can try." "I don't know what I can tell you guys." "Ohhh..." "Okay." "Mmm..." "How are you doing?" "Because Kyle told me that you and Henry used to" "It was a really long time ago." "It's really not a big deal." "I know--how it is because, No..." "After my divorce," "I still worked as the receptionist at Ed's exterminating service," "Cramped together, hate and lust all" "Yeah, that doesn't-- sound great, but it's so not" "We'll do a sign." "A sign?" "We'll do a sign." "If you feel uncomfortable at any time, give me the sign." "Great." "So you're not sorry." "Finally, some reality, thank you." "Well, you're welcome." "Is there there anything else--?" "You know, I wanted all this." "It's my fault." "I wanted this fame." "Success." "You guys know the gypsy's curse?" "Your body's covered with warts." ""May you get everything you wish for."" "That's my curse." "Sorry to hear that." "We actually I have to go" "Oh, what, do you have real-life responsibilities?" "Yes." "I wish I had those." "I want those." "I have a fake life." "I have fake friends, fake conversations, fake experiences" "The pussy, the money?" "That's real." "Look, the pussy's here for the fame." "And what the fuck is money?" "It's mortar holding up stinking walls of bullshit." "Know what I wish I could buy?" "This." "It's being you guys." "A real guy, an ordinary job." "This is a day job." "I'm a writer, hard sci-fi." "But you deal with reality, you know what I'm saying?" "Yeah, I know what you're sayin', and that's why I think this is actually not all that bad." "Okay-- okay, so then let's switch, man." "Just for tonight." "I mean, being me's easy, man." "All you gotta do is throw on some make-up, act like a total dick, and let girls throw themselves at you, what do you say?" "Yeah, I'm in." "What?" "I can do it." "You have a girlfriend!" "Excuse me." "Hello?" "What?" "Okay...hold on." "I am very sorry." "I have to go." "Roman, on the back bar?" "Don't worry about me." "Now?" "Okay." "Ron?" "Yes, Henry Pollard!" "The big boss man!" "Ah, shit!" "Oh!" "Yeah..." "I saw the van and I was like, please let that be Henry's crew!" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "Wow, it's been a while." "Hey how's Soup R' Crackers?" "Great experience." "Yeah?" "Yes." "I need you to get me backstage." "Oh, I don't know, Ron." "It's a crazy night, and I could get in trouble." "No, I get it, I was team leader, sure." "Absolutely, I get it." "I need you to do me a favor." "Will he do it?" "I could call Paco." "No, no!" "Do not call Paco!" "I got it." "It's Mandy." "It's my lady friend." "She's a big Jackal Onassis fan." "I promised to get her backstage for an autograph." "Henry, come on, buddy, I need a miracle." "Just...try to keep a low profile, okay?" "I'm backstage at Jackal Onassis!" "Jesus." "I'm gonna get my drink on!" "Uh, excuse me, where's Roman?" "He's in make-up." "We switched." "Jackal Onassis?" "I want to be called "Dennis."" "Oh, fuck." "Hey listen, don't be mad at Roman." "I said I'd have you all fired if he didn't switch." "Or if you tell anyone, so don't tell anybody." "I just wanna be a real guy, man." "But this isn't real." "This is fake." "It's kind of real." "It's not real." "It's realish." "Can I get a beer?" "Yes, you may." "In the cooler, check wristbands." "Cool." "Ahem." "Coming right up." "There you go, sweetie." "Don't "sweetie" me, asshole." "Oh, that is real." "She just called me an asshole." "That is fantastic." "So what is your girlfriend's name, man?" "My girlfriend?" "Yeah." "Uda." "Why?" "Just shooting the shit with my co-workers." "That's what I do." "What line of work is she in, buddy?" "Also catering." "So it's kind of boring." "Consider the shit shot." "That is great." "Know what's actually boring?" "Fucking models in penthouses." "Really, that's boring?" "Yep." "That doesn't sound boring to me." "Try doing it hundreds of times." "Still not boring." "Malibu and coke, and a Goldschlager shot." "Coming right up." "Hey, how's my boy doing as team leader?" "This guy is terrific." "I used to be his boss." "Where the fuck is ckal Onassis?" "The show ended, like, an hour ago." "Hey, what did I say, sweetie?" "We'll get that autograph." "Why?" "Why do you want his autograph, anyway?" "He's just a guy." "He's awesome and fucking famous?" "God, who're you?" "A bartender nobody who makes shitty drinks." "Ooh!" "I'm a bartender nobody!" "Okay, how awesome is that?" "Is is really fun." "I want you so bad." "Yeah, great." "I want you." "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "There he is." "Hey." "You are so awesome." "Yeah." "I'm freaking out." "Could I please get your autograph?" "Yeah, why don't we go to my dressing room, the three of us." "I'm gonna do you first." "Does that turn you on?" "I was just joking." "You know, jokes." "Hey, um, we need glasses at the back bar, please." "Okay." "So, what, we don't see each other for nine months, and that's your big opening line?" "Um, yeah, I'm sorry." "I had to fire a guy, and Roman's..." "doing something weird, and there's a new guy." "Mm-hmm?" "New guy... it's a weird night." "Very weird." "How, how have you been?" "I've been fine." "The cruise was good." "You know, I worked my act, didn't get a stomach virus, which I consider to be some kind of coup." "That is terrific." "And now I'm back here." "I'm working the grind." "Great." "Oh, I'm seeing somebody now, which is purely by way of information." "That's not to make any sort of awkward" " Hi, Lydia." "Hi!" "Do you need something?" "No." "Nope." "How are you?" "I'm good." "Yeah, how's acting?" "Acting?" "Yeah." "Um, no, I'm just, uh, you know, team leading." "Right." "This is where the magic happened." "I call this "the prep zone--"" "âª The prep zone âª" "Hey!" "Casey Klein, Casey Klein?" "Oh, my God!" "Ron?" "What are you doing here?" "Oh, Mandy, Casey." "I was her boss." "Are you guys back togeth--?" "No." "Oh, no." "No." "How's Soup R' Crackers?" "Great experience, unbelievable." "That's great, Ron." "I'm really happy for yo" "But this is the best part, this beauty." "Mandy came in and applied for a cashier job and I just had this feeling." "I just" "I just wanted to make her happy." "So he hired me." "Yeah, mission accomplished." "Until it cratered, which sucks, because now I'm at IHOP and it blows." "But what do you mean it cratered?" "What happened?" "Nothing!" "Nothing, nothing happened." "I did everything right!" "It should've been huge." "Bad economy, what do you think of?" "Soup kitchens, bread lines, all-you-can-eat salad, right?" "And what does corporate do with this opportunity?" "They fuckin' go bankrupt." "Ron, we gonna get the autograph, or just look at bars and kitchens?" "Yes, yes, autograph!" "Good to see you, Ron." "Ah, good memories." "I'm coming, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, so it's a weird night." "That girl is, like, eleven." "Um, glasses?" "Glasses." "Glasses." "Henry." "Hey." "Can you remind your guys to lock the door when they go to the van?" "Because people try to sneak in." "Of course, sir, I'll take care of it." "And can you tell the bartender to go easy on the booze," "'Cause it's-- Sure, yeah." "Good, good." "No picnic, being boss, huh?" "That's true." ""Are we having fun yet?" You look like that guy." "From the beer ads." "Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot." "I mean everything you said, I'm doing it." "They're just not going for it." "The contempt part's really is important." "I have total contempt for these dumb bitches." "They're brainless morons." "I don't know what to tell you, Roman." "You want to have sex with them?" "Yes!" "Okay, well that's the problem." "You have to not want it." "If you want it, they're not into it." "It's like Xeno's paradox." "I can't see shit without my glasses." "Is that blonde over there hot?" "The one with the tights with the eyeliner?" "I don't know." "I can't tell." "It's a man." "Fuckin' shit." "I think I saw some pretty damaged-looking sluts over by the snack tray, though." "That's my type." "Do it." "Mr. Jackal, Mr. Jackal," "I have a very special lady friend, who'd love your autograph." "Fuck off, loser." "Excuse me." "Hey, you must be the new guy." "Yeah." "Hey, hey, how's it going with Henry?" "It is going fine with Henry." "Thank you for asking again." "I'm Dennis." "You must be Uda." "What?" "No." "I'm Casey." "Oh." "That's so weird that you'd say Uda." "I just" " Well, I know Henry is dating a caterer named Uda, so" "Henry's dating Uda Bengt?" "Blonde, works for Valhalla catering?" "Isn't it something how guys always rebound to your opposite?" "My ex, his new girlfriend is a professional athlete." "She's got triceps that would make her hat fly off." "Hey." "How's it going, guys?" "Fine." "Casey, may I speak with you in the next room for a moment?" "Yeah, sure, Lydia." "What do you need help with?" "Nothing, I don't need anything." "I thought we were doing the getaway." "What are you talking about?" "What does that even mean, doing the getaway?" "Didn't you give the sign?" "I didn't do the sign." "I don't know what the sign is." "You totally did the sign!" "It's this." "There's no way that" " I've never done that in my life." "So, the host complained you're making the drinks too strong." "Am I gonna get fired, man?" "How intense would that be?" ""You are terminated." "Give me your key card."" "He just wants to save on booze." "Okay, well, pinching pennies." "I never thought about that." "That is fuckin' adorable." "This whole thing is awesome, thank you so much." "No problem." "Hey what's going on with you and Casey?" "Nothing." "Why?" "When I talked about your girlfriend, she got a little weird." "Weird like upset or-- Just weird." "Weird." "Just those eyes, those vacant eyes." "So what do I do?" "I give them something to live for, sort of a direction, a hope, a future." "You guys ever heard of Nietzsche?" "Hey, Jackal Onassis, man!" "Hey, I just wanna say I really respect your act." "I'm in a band myself." "Yeah, I bet you are." "What is it, emo pop bullshit?" "Right, yeah." "It's kind of like emo, but more like power emo?" "That sounds shittier than emo." "You guys play arou?" "Yeah, at Cherry, Ice Castle." "You should check us out." "You guys would fuckin' love us." "Wait, how many albums have I sold?" "Eight million." "That's right, eight million," "So why the fuck are you talking to--?" "We have a show coming up next weekend." "You guys should come." "I'll put you on the list." "Wait, were you on Society Kids?" "Yeah, yeah." "You were the Harvard guy." "I do a lot of acting, and some modeling." "Uh, security!" "What's the problem, sir?" "I'm trying to talk to these girls." "The problem is--?" "He's talking to them." "But, from a security angle" "Hey, man, I just wanted to say I have mad respect for you." "Lemme get your names." "Yeah, let's go!" "Are you fuckin' serious?" "Oh, my God, I'm like your hugest fan." "I'll do anything for an autograph." "Yeah, anything?" "Home sweet home." "Lemme just find a pen." "Those skulls are awesome." "Yeah, I'm thinkin' of getting rid of them." "They're old." "Oh, you want me to sign one of these photos?" "Actually, would you mind doing two?" "Okay, your want one for your friend?" "For my twins." "Sorry." "She says she's okay, but I worry." "You know what, Henry's the one I'm worried about." "Henry?" "Why?" "Yeah, she dumped him." "Yeah, booked a gig, left him high and dry." "It was fuckin' cold." "He did not mention that to me." "He probably feels emasculated and super embarrassed and stuff." "I'm sure he does." "That's classic Henry, right, Kyle?" "That's right." "And now they have to work together." "Can you even image what he must have done to her?" "Malibu and coke." "Has anybody seen my little lady friend?" "What are you looking" "Ah..." "I warned him." "Workplace romance." "Bad idea." "I've got a team to run, these two are screwing in closet." "Seizing that desperate moment amidst the drudgery." "That is some real life, you guys." "Henry and Casey aren't right for each other." "Henry's much better off with Uda." "You can tell there's something still there" "They're totally awkward together." "Wait..." "Henry's dating Uda Bengt?" "Yeah." "Totally." "Uh, can I talk to you for a minute?" "Yeah." "Look, if this is weird for you," "I can totally get Alan to send somebody else." "No, no." "It's not a big deal." "Not at all." "Well, Dennis told me you're seeing Uda, so, I mean, if you told Dennis that and you didn't tell me, then I figure things are probably kind of weird for you." "Well, I going to tell you, but" "What?" "I didn't want it to be awkward." "Well, I don't want it to be awkward either, obviously, but it kind of is." "So..." "I don't know." "Well, if it's too weird, I can call Alan, and have Mundo here for tomorrow." "It's up to you." "Not the sign." "I don't know." "Okay, I don't, I can't" "Here, look." "I have a coin." "I'll flip a coin?" "How 'bout that?" "Whoo!" "I got it!" "He is so cool!" "You got the autograph?" "Yeah!" "On my tits!" "Oh!" "On both of them." "That doesn't say Jackal Onassis." "Maybe it's his real name." "I don't know what it is." "It's Arnold Shirling." "And look." "Lucky I shaved yesterday." ""Roman DeBeers."" "What's that?" "Roman DeBe" "Roman!" "What?" "Roman!" "Who's that?" "Heads." "So I'll stay." "So heads we stay." "Was I heads?" "Yeah." "Okay, good." "Come on, you asshole!" "You fucking weasel!" "That's my lady friend!" "What the fuck, man!" "She didn't say anything about a boyfriend." "Ron, God!" "Don't embarrass me." "God, is that Roman?" "I told you, crazy night." "You can't be jealous, he's a superstar" "No, listen to me!" "That isn't Jackal Onassis!" "It's Roman." "I was his boss!" "I knew it." "See, he had no aura." "Wait, so who signed my tits and my vee-jay wasn't Jackal Onassis, it was just some guy?" "The difference is what, folks, come on?" "Oh, yuck!" "Kill him, Ron!" "I'm gonna fuckin' rip your" "Baby?" "What the fuck?" "How long does this last?" "Jackal, I'll handle it." "All right, where's her wristband?" "Do they even have passes?" "How'd they get in?" "How'd you get in here?" "He let us in." "Henry!" "Come on, you're suppose to be the leader and set an example." "Now I gotta call your boss." "Okay, she meant me." "I let them in." "Yeah, it's the bartender." "I'm really sorry, boss." "Please don't fire me." "Right." "Right." "Don't worry, Jeff, I'll take care of this." "Dennis." "You're fired." "His first day." "Poor Dennis." "What a night." "And I got fired." "Thanks for that, man." "Glad you enjoy it." "You picked the right career choice." "Actually, I wanted to be an actor." "Nah." "Fame's a curse, man." "I go back to the gilded cage." "You get to go home, hang out with Uda." "Eat leftovers and watch The Mentalist on TiVo." "I don't know what that is." "It's a show." "A guy solves crimes using his mind." "It's Uda's favorite." "Okay." "I envy you, Henry." "So here's what's happening." "We're going to the hotel, we're gonna order some food, then we're gonna watch some-- what is it?" "The Mentalist." "I love that show." "Let's go." "Well, I don't feel uncomfortable about a lot of this." "So, I personally looking forward to being friendly co-workers." "Okay." "Working side by side in the trenches." "Well, side by side, technically." "I am your boss..." "So don't forget that." "She is gonna be the death of me." "But I can't help it." "I love her so much." "Henry, can you do me a favor?" "I can try." "Mandy's all I got." "I just, I just wanna make her happy." "And I have no money coming in." "She's bleeding me dry." "Can you talk to Alan Duck and see if-- see if maybe he'll give me my old job back?" "I'll see what I can do." "Yeah?" "The autograph." "If she still wants it." "Henry." "Thank you so much." "Sure." "Mwah." "Ahh!" "Mandy, I got it!" "Didn't I say I was gonna get it?" "!" "I got it, I got it!"