"Hello." "Hi, honey." "Bad news." "I have a lot of changes to make in the presentation so I have to work tonight." "Oh, sweetheart, that's a shame." "Shall I keep dinner warm?" "No, thanks." "I'll probably work past midnight." "I sent out for a sandwich." "I'm sorry about dinner tonight." "Well, that's all right." "It'll be just that much more fun tomorrow night." "It's a deal." "Anything new there?" "You'll be happy to know we got a postcard from your folks." "It says, "Having a très gay time." "Wish you were ici" "It's from Paris, and it's dated last week." "Oh, good." "Well, I'd better get back to work." "Bye-bye, sweetheart." "All right, sweetheart." "Bye-bye." "Good evening, Samantha." "Aunt Clara." "What were you doing in the refrigerator?" "I just came back from England." "I came back via the polar route." "Polar route?" "I hope I haven't crushed your lettuce." "My goodness." "Be careful, dear." "Yes." "I'm still a bit chilled." "Yes." "Well, here, sit down." "Sit down." "Aunt Clara, dear, don't you think it would've been safer if you'd used the front door?" "No, that would be like giving up the ghost." "Ghost?" "Oh, my." "Ghost." "What ghost?" "McTavish." "The one I wanted you to get rid of." "Aunt Clara, I'm afraid I'm not following this at all." "Why don't we have a cup of coffee and you can explain the whole thing from the beginning, all right?" "Ghost, huh?" "Yes." "And a very disagreeable one at that." "Now, wait, let me see if I've got this straight." "Your old boyfriend, Ockie, has just acquired a castle in England... and now he calls himself Lord Ockham, Duke of Dunstable." "Doesn't that sound genteel?" "Yes, very." "Anyway, he calls it Dunstable-on-Tyne." "And last night he opened it as a tourist hotel... but that dreadful McTavish" "He's the castle ghost." "And the guests are frightened to death." "Oh, Samantha, it's just not funny." "Well, Aunt Clara, I don't see how I can help you." "Witches don't have any power over ghosts." "Yes, I know, but I thought if you talked to him you being queen and all, maybe the prestige of the crown..." "You don't think so, huh?" "You know I can't go hopping over to England." "Darrin doesn't approve of these things." "By the way, where is Darrin?" "He's working tonight." "Oh, that's too bad, dear." "I'd keep you company if I didn't have to get back... .and give Ockie the bad news." "Aunt Clara, you're still here." "Well, I am the dumb witch." "Would you like me to help?" "Oh, Samantha, if you would." "And it wouldn't take long." "Only a half an hour or so." "Aunt Clara, for a dumb witch you're pretty tricky." "No, I'm not pretty." "Okay, Aunt Clara, I'll try and help." "Under the circumstances, I don't think Darrin will mind." "Oh, that's marvellous." "And Ockie will be so pleased." "Okay." "I'd better get going." "Now, you'll have to stay with Tabatha... till I get back." "Aunt Clara, wish me luck." "Good luck." "It seems so easy when she does it." "McTavish." "McTavish, old bean, I want a word with you." "Lord Ockham, I presume." "You needn't startle a chap like that." "Oh, Samantha, tallyho, old girl." "Delighted you could come." "Where's the ghost?" "I expected to find the place in an uproar." "It has been off and on." "You see, the place is so big, they can't pin him down." "He appears in one place, scares one of the guests half to death... then disappears before I can get there." "Why don't you just pop in when he does?" "Tried it once." "Ended up in the moat." "There he is again." "McTavish!" "Will you kindly materialize?" "There's someone here wants to talk with you." "Say something, Samantha." "Mr. McTavish?" "You'll never catch McTavish, you cursed intruders!" "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a pushy ghost." "Samantha!" "Samantha!" "I told Larry the presentation would just have to wait." "Darrin, what are you doing here?" "Aunt Clara, what are you doing here?" "I asked you first." "Oh, well, I decided that Sam was such a good sport... about my working late at the office that I..." "Where..?" "Where is Samantha?" "She didn't expect you until later, so she went." "Went?" "Went where?" "To England, of course." "England?" "Yes, that's right." "How did you know?" "What is she doing in England?" "She's helping Ockie to get rid of McTavish." "Who's McTavish?" "The ghost, of course." "Aunt Clara, I want you to listen carefully." "You're to find Sam and tell her to come home immediately." "Understand?" "I don't think I can get there from here, without Samantha's help." "She's there, and I'm here, and, well..." "I think we'll just have to wait until she gets back." "McTavish." "Well, you heard it yourself, Frank." "Something is laughing and clanking out here." "Oh, Phyllis, for heaven's sakes." "That stuff is all rigged for the tourists." "An English castle wouldn't be worth its salt without a ghost." "McTavish?" "Frank." "Frank, come back here immediately." "Phyllis, is it asking too much for me to get some sleep?" "Frank." "Frank, you're not going to believe this... but I just saw Samantha right down there." "I know what I saw, Frank." "She was right there." "I ought to know my own daughter-in-law." "Phyllis, this is pretty close to being the silliest thing you have ever done." "Silly, is it?" "I guess it isn't pretty silly that Lord Ockham told us the girl that I saw was the duchess of Stephens." "That's pretty logical." "Stephens is a fine old English name." "Yes, operator." "I'm waiting." "I don't think it's silly to want to know what she's doing in an English castle... when she should be home taking care of my son." "Hello?" "Hello, Darrin, it's Mother." "Hello, Mother." "Where are you calling from?" "England?" "Oh, that's marvellous." "I hope you're enjoying yourself." "Oh, we're fine, just fine." "Sam?" "She's fine." "She's fine too." "Fine." "Could I speak to her, dear?" "Well..." "Give me that." "Hello, son." "Son, this is Dad." "Now, just forget that we called." "We're staying in this English castle that's supposed to be haunted and it's got your mother all upset." "She actually thought that she saw Samantha... roaming around the halls." "Isn't that ridiculous?" "Yes, that certainly is ridiculous." "Well, you tell Mom just to relax and have a good time." "You too, Dad." "Goodbye." "Aunt Clara, my folks are there." "You've got to get to Samantha." "I'm working on it." "I'm working on it." "He said that she is in bed asleep, and that's exactly where I'm going." "Now, if you want to stay up all night and worry, be my guest." "I could have sworn..." "All right, Frank." "I'm coming." "Frank." "Frank, the suit of armour..." "Frank!" "Well, what do you know?" "I made it." "Bingo." "Mr. McTavish." "Mr. McTavish?" "Very impressive." "You're not terrified by my horrible visage?" "I don't think it's so horrible." "Perhaps if I removed my head from my Gaelic shoulders." "You have very nice eyes." "You have no sense of the proper way to act around a ghost." "What manner of lassie are you?" "My name is Samantha Stephens." "I'm a witch." "Oh, one of those." "Like that half-baked, puny excuse... for an English laird, Lord Ockham." "If you don't like Ockie, why don't you leave?" "Me leave?" "Kevin McTavish, the fifth Earl of Angus... that's lived in this castle for 500 years." "To please a weak-kneed warlock that sends a lassie to do his bidding?" "Never." "Well, if you won't leave, will you at least stop scaring the guests?" "That's what ghosts do, lassie, scare people." "What would you have me do at my age, learn a trade?" "You do have a point there." "But I must say, if I were a ghost I'd find a much better place to haunt than this." "What's the matter with this place?" "Well, for one thing, it's cold and drafty and damp." "You know, lassie, you may be a witch... but you have an understanding heart." "Mr. McTavish, you seem like a sensible ghost." "Why let your pride stand in the way of finding a more comfortable place to haunt?" "But where would I go?" "You have the whole world to choose from." "Italy, France." "You could even come to America." "Find yourself a nice airy place with central heating and air-conditioning." "You have those things in America?" "Sure, we do." "And America's a much younger country... so we don't have as many ghosts." "Lassie, I've got to admit it." "You've made a deep impression on me." "Samantha?" "Samantha, are you in there?" "Did you hear that?" "He's calling Samantha." "Well, there's more than one Samantha in the world, Phyllis." "We'll soon see." "Excuse me." "I'm looking for someone." "Wait, madam." "You can't go in there." "I'm sorry, Lord Ockham, but once she gets an idea in her head... just relax, let her have her way." "You think it over, because..." "Samantha." "Don't you ever knock before entering a room?" "Your Majesty." "Hi." "I guess Aunt Clara explained what happened." "Where is Aunt Clara?" "She's out looking for you." "Oh, dear." "She did explain that it was an emergency, didn't she?" "Sure." "Then you're not angry with me?" "Angry?" "Of course, it's gonna be a little difficult explaining to my mother." "Now, sweetheart, she only saw me for a second." "And the room was very dark." "She couldn't possibly have been sure it was me." "And that makes everything all right." "Then you aren't angry?" "How could I be angry?" "I don't understand." "If I had any vision, I would realize that you can't take a proud bird born to ride the wings of the wind, to live in the sparkle of a star and pen it up in a domestic coop and expect it to walk around with a smile on its beak." "Darrin, have you been drinking?" "Everything is very clear." "Your mother's been right all along." "You have been drinking." "Just enough to realize you can't snatch an eagle out of the sky and tie it to the ground." "Darrin." "Darrin." "Darrin, I am sorry about what happened tonight." "I thought you'd be working late, and I planned to be home before you got home." "And anyway, I really thought you'd understand and I was gonna tell you about it anyway." "The fact remains that normal housewives do not go to England to get rid of ghosts just because their husbands have to work late." "Are those for me?" "Yes." "Sweetheart, I said I'm sorry." "Now, what more do you want me to say?" "Say, "I love you. "" "I love you." "McTavish, what are you doing here?" "I decided to take you up on your offer." "I've had a look around and I think I shall be very happy here." "Well..." "No buts." "He's gotta be out of here by the time I get home tonight." "All right, sweetheart." "But every time I try and talk to him he goes on about how much he appreciates my inviting him here and what a nice house this is to haunt." "You have till sundown." "I'm sure I can convince him it was all a mistake." "Mistake?" "He's a catastrophe." "Don't worry, sweetheart." "I'll work it out." "I hope." "Yes?" "Mr. Stephens Mrs. Stephens is on the phone." "Thank you." "Sam, is he gone?" "Mother?" "Mother, isn't it awfully expensive to keep calling from England?" "We're not in England, dear." "We're at the airport." "We took a direct flight." "At the airport?" "We'll explain everything when we see you." "We're taking a cab to your house." "I'm so anxious to see Samantha." "No, Mother, don't do that." "Why not, dear?" "Isn't Samantha there?" "Sure, of course, she's there." "We just want to see you all at home." "Bye." "He's protecting her." "Let's go." "Hello?" "Sam, we have an emergency." "My folks are on the way there." "Your folks are in England." "Not anymore." "My mother won't be satisfied until she sees you at home." "Well, then what's the problem?" "I'm here." "So is that ghost." "Now get rid of him!" "Darrin, ghosts are very stubborn." "Couldn't you ward them off until?" "Maybe that's him now." "See you later." "See you later." "Mr. McTavish?" "Mr. McTavish, is that you?" "Ockie, for heaven's sake." "This'll teach me to use Clara's directions." "What are you doing here?" "We've had an emergency." "I've been completely wrong about McTavish." "The guests love him." "They expect an English castle to have a ghost." "He's turned out to be the main attraction." "I've gotta get him back." "Well, you can whistle for me, you puny lairdship." "I've got a new home now, right, lassie?" "McTavish, please come back." "I apologize for all the things I said about you." "Not on your life, laddie." "I'm well rid of you." "Looks like a buyer's market, McTavish." "It wouldn't hurt to dicker a little." "Hey, you're a clever lass." "Why should I leave a cosy wee place like this that has central heating?" "I'll put in central heating." "Aye, for the winters." "But what about the summer?" "The humidity's terrible for my rheumatism." "I'll air-condition the place." "Hurry up, Frank, tell him to keep the change." "You'll have to get rid of the moat, breeds mosquitoes." "How can I get rid of the moat?" "You're supposed to be a warlock, aren't you?" "Use an incantation!" "I'm afraid that's beyond me." "I'm semiretired." "Then so am I. Right here." "Samantha, please, you've got to make him come back." "We need him." "Frank." "Frank, that's Lord Ockham's voice." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "All right, McTavish." "I'll get rid of the moat for you." "Agreed?" "Agreed." "Now you'll both have to go." "Samantha?" "Why, Mrs. Stephens, come in." "Mr. Stephens." "Hello." "What are you doing here?" "Darrin said you phoned last night from England." "Who else is here?" "I distinctly heard voices." "Voices?" "It must have been the television set." "I was watching an old movie while I cleaned the house." "I tell you, Sam, we just gotta get him back." "He was the best sheriff this town ever had." "You know, for a second, Phyllis, you almost had me believing you." "Could I fix you some tea, Mrs. Stephens?" "Thank you, Samantha." "I think I'm having another one of my sick headaches." "I tell you, son, your mother got so carried away with this ghost business." "You know, they get it all up for the tourists." "It gives them a good scare, and they love it." "But your mom got so confused she actually thought that she saw Samantha there." "Made me take the first flight home to prove it to me." "Isn't it amazing what a vivid imagination can do?" "But I understand it." "There have been times when ghosts had me pretty scared too." "Well, I must admit I feel pretty foolish." "Don't worry about it, Mom." "We're glad to see you anyway." "Wonder who that can be." "Excuse me." "I took your advice, dear, and came in the conventional way." "Aunt Clara, what a surprise." "Come right in." "Look who's here, Darrin." "Aunt Clara, you remember Darrin's parents?" "Oh, of course, of course." "Hello." "Nice to see you again." "Thank you." "Samantha, dear, I have a present for you from an old admirer." "And he says, "Thanks for getting rid of the moat. "" "What a strange reaction." "I think he's rather handsome." "Well..."