"[ALAN LAUGHING]" "ALAN:" "Oh, oh, that is so true." "I know exactly what you mean." "Oh, hang on, I'll get you an ashtray." " Oh, hey, Charlie." " Hey, what's going on?" "Oh, I have a friend over from my single-parent support group." "Oh, yeah, unattached moms." "I gotta check out that group." " But you don't have a kid." " Are they really strict about that?" "Because at the dog park, you show up with a leash and say, "That's him by the tree."" "It's a single-parent group." "You need to be a single parent." "Seems a little prejudiced if you ask me." "Hey, Alan, can I use your bathroom, or should I just pee off the deck?" "Heh, it's right down the hall." "Oh, uh, Greg, uh, this is my brother, Charlie." "Charlie, Greg." "CHARLIE:" "Hey." " Hey, nice place." "Thanks." "She's a little butch for you, isn't she?" "Greg is a divorced dad." "He's got a daughter around Jake's age." "Well, you can understand my confusion." "You think I joined a group to pick up women?" "No, I think you joined a support group because you're a whiny little wuss." "But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few." " Sex is not what the group's about." " Oh, grow up." "You put single men and women on chairs in a church basement they're gonna start mounting each other." "The depths of your degeneracy continue to astound me." "Really?" "Still?" "So, Charlie, I'm guessing by the stack of racing forms next to the can you bet the ponies." " Hey, I'd bet on rabbits if you could get them organized." "[CHUCKLES]" "Is there a story behind that riding crop hanging on the wall?" "Oh, yeah, that's a souvenir from a wonderful weekend in Louisville, Kentucky." " Oh, you went to the Derby?" " No, it was a Hilton by the airport." "[CHUCKLES]" " How about you?" "Do you hit the track?" " It's actually my second-biggest expense after alimony." " So all your money goes to the nags, huh?" "[LAUGHS]" " Hey, your brother's funny." " At first." "I'll get us some more beers." "Charlie, you smoke cigars?" "I'd smoke rabbits if you could keep them lit." " So divorced dad, huh?" " Yep." " How long were you married?" " Sixteen years." "Whoa." "What ended it?" "Cheating?" "Drinking?" "Gambling?" "Gay." " Oh, her?" " No." "Ah, ahem." "So, what, you didn't wanna try drinking or gambling?" "So, what about you, Charlie?" "Ever been married?" "Ha, are you kidding?" "My brother is definitely not the marrying kind." " Oh?" "Confirmed bachelor." " No, no, nothing's confirmed." "I mean, I just think variety is the spice of life." "And as far as spices go, some people like salt, some people like pepper some people like salt and pepper." "Me, I like women." "Ahem." "Me too." "Some of my best friends are women." "No, no, don't..." "Don't misunderstand." "None of my friends are women." " Oh, I see." " No, you don't." "Oh, damn." "I have to take a rain check on that beer." "I gotta get going." "Oh, oh, okay." "Uh, we still on for Sunday?" "Looking forward to it." "Really nice meeting you." " I'll see you at the track sometime." " You never know." " Santa Anita or Hollywood Park?" " Which one do you like?" " Oh, I'll go either way." " Apparently." "Oh, he's bad." "You have no idea." " Okay, so I'll see you Sunday." " Bye-bye." "Adios." " Great guy, huh?" " Yeah, yeah, terrific." " How much do you know about him?" " Well, I know he's a successful architect his daughter's a soccer player, he's gay, he has a boat, he went to UC Berkeley... okay, okay, back up a little." "Oh, it's a sailboat." "Well, it's more of a sloop." "He's..." " He's taking me and Jake out on Sunday." " No, no, no, one more." "What?" "He's gay?" "What about it?" "Nothing, I'm just looking out for you." "I mean, does he wanna take you sailing, or does he wanna take you..." "[SINGSONGY] ...sailing?" "Don't be silly." "He knows I'm not gay." "Are you sure?" "For 16 years, he didn't know he was gay." "You don't believe two men can be friends, just because one of them is gay?" "It has nothing to do with gay." "Imagine he were a straight guy and you were an attractive young woman." " Do you think you could just be friends?" " How attractive?" "What?" "I mean, uh, you know, am I kind of cute in a tomboy sort of way or am I smoking hot and working it?" "[SIGHS]" "Okay, okay, let's start again." "Imagine you were a straight guy." " And...?" " No "and." That's it." "Berta, how long have you been working for me?" "Define "working."" "What kind of hair conditioner do I use?" "I quit." "[SIGHS]" "I use a wash-out conditioner, then blow-dry with a dab of styling gel." "But you got me a leave-in conditioner." "Why would you get leave-in conditioner?" " The truth?" " Please." "It came with a free Lady Schick." "Berta, my hair is important to me." "All right, don't get your panties in a bunch." "What is that supposed to mean?" "It means don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack." "Hey, hey, hey." "I am not agitated, I just like having extra body without you know, stiffness." "Okay, why don't you guys hang outside while we throw together some lunch?" "Okay." "Come on, Sophie." " This is a cool house." " Yeah, it's my weekend place." "I have a second home in the valley." " I think they like each other." " Oh, Jake is smitten." "I usually only see that look on his face when we go to the pancake house." " Hey." " Hi, Charlie." " Hey, how'd the sailing go?" " Oh, great." "Perfect weather." " Here, I, uh, brought you a present." " Really?" "Yeah, it's one of those Cuban fellas you like puffing on." " That's very sweet, thank you." " You're very welcome." "Did you do something different with your hair?" "Looks nice." "Don't get me started." "So when did you find out about your dad?" " Find out what?" " That he's gay." "My dad's not gay." "You sure?" "My dad is." " No kidding?" " Yep." "You smell like strawberries." "It's my lip gloss." "Cool." "Does it taste like it smells?" " You wanna find out?" " Sure." "Mm." "Can we watch a soccer game instead of basketball?" "What are you, nuts?" "Sophie says soccer's the most popular sport in the world." "Well, then they don't need us to watch it." "You know what would be a good idea?" "Maple-syrup lip gloss." "Your mom will be here any minute." " I told you to get ready." " I'm ready." " Did you do your homework?" " No." "[GRUNTS]" "Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done." "Well, next time you'll know better." "[SIGHS]" "I think Jake has a thing for your boyfriend's daughter." "He's not my boyfriend." "We're friends." "Friends, huh?" "Alan, when an intelligent, successful, attractive man wants to be friends with you something is amiss." "Excuse me, but if Greg were to be interested in anybody around here it would be you." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." " What are you talking about?" " Heh." "Come on, Charlie, you got to admit you put out a special kind of vibe." "You don't mean special, you mean:" "[SINGSONGY] Special." "And I don't." "You're 40 years old, you've never been married you play the piano, you're meticulous about your appearance..." "Hey, hey, hey, I've got a riding crop in my bathroom that never touched a horse." "Your bathroom also has two kinds of skin moisturizer various hair gels, colognes, powders and emollients." "I only have one moisturizer." "The other one is a sun block with moisturizer." "Ah, right, you need that sun block for when you lean out the front door to get the paper." "[SIGHS]" "There's no shade out there in the morning, Alan." "Uh-huh." "Excuse me for not wanting to spend my 50s looking like a catcher's mitt." "All right, all right, let's, uh, scoot away from the Clinique counter for a minute and, uh, discuss some of the people you've attracted." "Okay." "You're thinking about that time at the House of Blues and there's no way I could've known that was a guy." "He was 6'2" and could palm a medicine ball." "I was drunk, he was tucked, taped and gorgeous." "Charlie, you brought home a dude in a dress." "A dude who wanted to be a woman which means he was looking for a straight man, which is me." "Rationalize it any way you want, but he still sends you flowers on valentine's Day." "Only because I was a gentleman." " So how was your weekend?" " It was okay." " We went sailing." " Oh, how nice." " What else?" " Nothing." "Oh, yeah, I think Dad's gay now." "That was a red light, Mom." "So, Charlie, I haven't seen you in a while." "What's up?" "Why does something have to be up?" "Can't I just drop by and say hello?" "For $350 an hour, you can say anything you want." "Okay, well, there is something that's been kind of gnawing at me." "Mm-hm." "Well, this friend of mine..." "Your friend?" "Yeah, a friend." "It's your money, Charlie." "Okay." "Okay." "Is it possible that I could be gay without knowing it?" "Why do you ask?" "Well, my brother's got this friend..." "We're talking $ 7 a minute." "No, no, no, this friend's real." "He's gay, and apparently I triggered his gaydar." " Well, I can understand that." " You can?" "[IN DEEP VOICE] You can?" "Let me ask you something, Charlie." "Have you ever had sex with a man?" "No." "No." "Absolutely not." "[SIGHS]" "All right, I copped a feel once, but I was drunk and he had breasts." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" " Hey, is Jake ready?" " Jake, your father's here." " He'll be right out." " Good." "So, uh, how've you been?" " Good." "And you?" " Good." "Oh, come here." "I am so proud of you." "Thanks." "What did I do?" "Alan, you don't have to hide anymore." "Jake told me all about you and Greg." "I want you to know I completely support you." " Oh, gee, Judith, um..." " Is that him in the car?" "Gee, he's cute." "Hello." "That must be his daughter." "I can see why Jake has a crush on her." " Yeah, we're taking them to the movies..." " This makes so much sense." "I can't believe I didn't see this when we were married." " See what?" " Oh, come on, Alan." "You picking out my clothes, your neat fetish, the show tunes, the sex." " There was no sex." " Exactly." "All those years you were so miserable, and look at you now." "You're glowing." "No, wait." "Hang on a second." "The reason that there was no..." " Really, I'm glowing?" " Well, yeah." "To think, all this time I've been blaming myself because the marriage didn't work." "No, I'm pretty sure you've been blaming me." "It was nobody's fault, Alan." "I'm just so glad you've finally accepted who you really are." "JAKE:" "Hey, Dad." " Hey, buddy." "Hey, Sophie." "You boys are so cute with your double dates." " Listen, Judith..." " I almost forgot." "Your mother told me to tell you that she's behind you a hundred percent." " When did you talk to my mother?" " Well, after Jake told me, I called her." " Why?" " We had a little bet." "It's not important." "[LAUGHS]" "Bye-bye." "I mean, okay, I do care about my appearance." "Plus I've got mother issues and a bit of a flair for interior design." "You know, sconces, throw pillows, bric-a-brac." "Mm." "But when it comes to penises, I am pretty clear that the only one I want winking at me is my own." "Who are you trying to convince here, Charlie?" "Me or you?" "You, and then I want you to convince me." "Why do you need convincing?" " Wow, good question." " Thanks." "Once in a while I get a little wood on the ball." "I mean, it has been suggested to me that all of my womanizing is just my way of overcompensating." "Who suggested that?" "Uh, mostly the women I was overcompensating on top of." "Well, this is a very interesting area, but I'm afraid we're out of time." "What?" "No, no, we can't stop here." " I have a patient waiting, Charlie." " Right." "Hold on a sec." "Here, go get yourself something to eat." "Come back in an hour." "Okay, new clock." "[CHARLIE CLEARS THROAT]" "My mom took my temperature the baby way till I was 8 years old." "[FILM SOUNDTRACK PLAYING ON STEREO]" "[QUIETLY] Hey, Dad." " Yeah?" " It's okay if I'm not gay, right?" "Jake, listen, you and I need to clear the air about something." " After I call Sophie." " You just saw her." " What do you need to talk about?" " Boy-girl stuff." "You wouldn't understand." "Hey, Alan." "Your mom called." " She gave me the news." " Oh, God." "Come here." "I'm proud of you, Zippy." "The world is a happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion." "Good night." "Charlie?" " Yeah?" " I think I might be gay." "What did you do, Alan?" "Nothing, but I'm starting to put the pieces together." "Which piece did you put where, Alan?" "I'm just thinking that..." "[SIGHS] ...I've failed at every female relationship I've had." "Oh, come on, that makes every man in the world gay." "Let me finish." "I've been unappy for most of my life." "I've never really fit in anywhere and now, suddenly, I'm happy." "Some might even say I'm glowing." "There is a big leap between glowing and flaming." "I'm just saying that this friendship with Greg has been so easy and fun, and everybody else just seems happier thinking I'm gay." "Maybe that's the answer." "What was the question?" "Who is Alan Harper?" "That's easy." "Alan Harper is an idiot." "Why is my sexuality so threatening to you?" "It's not threatening." "I am not threatened." " Is that so?" " Okay." " Okay." " Hmm?" "Now, you listen to me." "You're not gay, I'm not gay, nobody's gay." " Nobody's gay?" " Not in this house." "Where are you going?" "I have to buy some new hair conditioner." " That was a good meeting tonight." " Yeah, it was okay but some of those single moms get real gossipy." "Oh, oh, like, uh, Rebecca Milford:" "Yakety-yakety-yakety." "And did you see what she had on?" "Who could miss it?" "A woman that size should not wear paisley." "[CHUCKLES]" " Okay, thanks for the ride." " Oh, oh, no problem." "We still taking the kids to the mall Saturday?" "You kidding?" "I'm taking Jake to the mall Friday so he can have cool clothes to wear to the mall Saturday." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" "So maybe I'll see you there Friday." "Okay, bye-bye." " Greg, wait." " Yeah?" "[GREG GRUNTING]" " Alan?" " Yeah?" "What are you doing?" "Uh, I was just, you know checking." "Checking what?" "Well, it's not important." "I just thought, uh, that, you know, possibly I might be..." "Never mind." "Alan, you're not gay." "Are you sure?" "Do you find me sexually attractive?" " No." " Do you find any man sexually attractive?" "No." "Well, maybe George Clooney." "Clooney doesn't count." "Trust me, you're not gay." "Okay." "You seem disappointed." "I just..." "I feel like I'm letting a lot of people down." "Alan it's okay to be straight." "Yeah, I guess." "So just to put all our cards on the table, you're not at all attracted to me?" "No." "You're not my type." "Now, Charlie on the other hand..." " What about him?" " He's, uh, very pretty." "Get out of my car." " What?" " You think Charlie's so pretty?" " Go to the mall with Charlie." " Oh, come on, Alan, we're friends." "No, I'm always the friend." "Everybody wants Charlie." "Alan, you're not gay." "Yeah, well, there's a principle involved." "Good night." "[SIGHS]" "Suit yourself." "Well at least I know who I am." "A heterosexual nut job." "[ANNOUNCER CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]" "I can't believe you broke up with Sophie's dad." "I didn't..." "[STAMMERING]" "I'm not..." "I'm sorry." "You know what would help this room?" "Get rid of all these lamps and put in some track lighting." "Much more flattering." " What are you eating?" " Lip gloss." "[ENGLISH SDH]"