"Dunder Mifflin, this is Rolando." "Oh, yes, she's been expecting your call." "Yeah." "Karen?" " He's on line one." " Thanks, Ro." "Hey, we finally connected." "How's Scranton?" "I am the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Utica branch." "Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else." "Look, all I'm saying is it would be a great opportunity, and we'd love to have you come aboard." "So think about it, okay?" "Okay, bye." "Look, for the record, a certain Scranton salesman approached me, okay?" " This is perfect!" " He looks like your twin." "This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's day off." "We have tied a string to the wrist which goes to the door." "When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring." "Now nobody knows whether I am here or whether I am gone." " I will know." " But you will not tell anyone." "I won't need to, 'cause we'll be together playin' hooky!" "Well, sometimes." "Most of the time, I will be with Ryan." "Or Darryl." "Yes." "Oh, good, good, Stanley!" "First victim!" "This is what I want you to do." "Go out, come back in." "We're gonna hide." "I want you to tell me if this looks like me." "I don't understand why sleeping is better than you not being..." "Just go out and come back in." "I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it." "What?" "T" "Transcript" "Transcript :" "Transcript :" "SwSub Synchro" "Transcript :" "SwSub Synchro :" "Episode 4x06 "Branch Wars" (1.00)" "Hey, everyone, can I have your attention, please?" "I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there." "Okay!" "No, no, no, no, no, no-no, no, no." "You completely misinterpreted my tone." "This is a horrible thing." "Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her." " I don't think that's what's happening." " Okay, well, smarty pants." "Then why?" "Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?" "I think it's because of my sales record." "That could not possibly be it." "You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office." "Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary." "The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big, watery red eyes." "I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left." "And if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another think coming." " How can I get you to stay?" " Money." "Yeah." "We all want money." "But there is none in the budget, so..." " Tell me why you're really leaving." " Money." "Mo money, mo problems, Stanley." "You of all people should know that." "Let me ask you this." " If I were..." " Money." "Oscar." "Did you bring it?" "To be Edwardian." "His best work." "I've the tablecloth, don't forget the flatware." "Sure thing." "Can't wait." "Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club." "We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way." "Sometimes the debate can get heated." "But we're always respectful." "There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed." "It's very exclusive." "Besides having sex with men," "I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me." "So tell me again why I can't be a part of your club?" "Because some people think that you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny." " Oscar?" " Some people." "Hello?" "Filipellers, how they hangin'?" " Michael." " To the left?" "To the right?" " Listen, I'm reall..." " Okay," " enough small talk." "Go ahead." " You called me." "Yes." "Listen." "You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this." "I'm pretty sure his family's coming with him." "No, his work family." "Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man." "You may have Toby." "Toby's not a salesperson." "You can train him." "He's very, very smart." "And funny, and charming." "You know..." "I can't do it." "Toby is the worst." "That..." "That was a bluff." "Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys," "I am going to poach one of yours." " Good-bye, Michael." " Okay, good-bye." "Wait, wait!" "Karen." "Could you transfer me to one of your salespeople, please?" "Your best one?" "I have Ben Nugent on the line." "He is the top salesman in Utica." " Hi, Ben." "Michael Scott." " Hi, Michael." "I'm going to cut right to the chase here." "Do you like magic?" "Because I am a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes:" "to move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend." "Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?" "Get out." "Yeah." "I also saved her life." "But I guess that's not as grabby." "Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden." "Didn't everyone from Stamford quit, like immediately?" "No, I fired them, and you're next." "So what do you say?" "Seriously?" "What is that guy talking about?" "Scranton is not lame." "Scranton is the cool, fun branch." "We're like animal house." "Found him!" "Jim." "We're getting crapped on." "Word is our branch sucks, and we've to do something about it." " What you're gonna do?" " What we're gonna do?" "We are going to make a monster sale is what we're going to do." " Corcoran dropped Staples." " Did they?" "Yes, they did." "Oh, yes, they did." "And we are going to murder it!" "You, me, Dwight, are going to jump into my PT Cruiser." "We are going to crush this sale." "We are going to prove..." "What the hell is that music?" "It's Vivaldi." "For Finer Things." "That's the problem." "That's the problem." "We need rock and roll, Pam." "Rock and roll!" "All right?" "Oh, my... god." "That's why people are leaving." "I..." "I have no words." "We just passed the exit for Corcoran." "What?" "We did?" "Surprise!" " Yes!" " Look at his face!" " Look at his face!" " What are we doing?" "What are we doing, Dwight?" "What are we doing?" "Oh, well, gee, Jim, I don't know." "I guess there's no sales call today." "We are going on a panty raid to Utica is what we're doing." " We're going to Utica?" " Uh-huh!" "I'm not going to Utica." "Yes, you are." "Oh, buckle up, Jim." "We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you." "Utica!" " Utica!" " Utica!" "In your face." "I can't believe you guys." "I'm not gonna go further piss off my ex-girlfriend." " Are you calling Karen?" " No." " He's lying." " Yep." "Get it." "What are you doing?" "Stop it, Dwight!" " Are you kidding me?" " No communication with outside world." "It had to be done." "It had to be done." "Well, that kinda sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it." "So..." "Oh, no." "That is too bad." " Okay." " Hey, Dwight, he found it." " I'm just gonna call a cab from here." " All right" " You're gonna miss the best prank ever." " All right." "Wait." "What are you planning on doing?" "Do you really wanna know?" " Oh, god." " Follow me." "Come here." "Here's what we brought." "We brought uniforms from the warehouse." "I brought silly string." "Dwight brought gasoline and rubber to make stink bombs." " Or real bombs." " No, no." "Not real bombs." "Yeah, come on." "It'll be so badass." "Maybe." "I don't know." "Could be badass." "Well..." " Yeah, it will!" " No!" "Absolutely, we're not doing this." "I already filled bottles with gas." "It's gonna be so badass!" "You kidding me?" "We've been driving with this in the trunk the whole time?" "Teach her to offer Stanley more money." "So..." "the deal was," "Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume." "And a moustache." "So why did you and Karen break up?" " Was it the sex?" " What?" "I can't imagine the sex being bad." "Her body..." "You know what, why don't we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?" "Okay." "I will start." ""A."" ""A," my name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice." "We live in Alaska, and we sell..." "Damn it." "What do we sell?" "Doesn't matter." " I try to think of what we could sell." " It doesn't matter." "What is that?" "That sound..." "The air conditioning leaking or something?" "That doesn't make sense." "It couldn't be." "What is that?" "Dwight, are you peeing?" " I'm peeing in this empty can." " Oh, my god!" "That is disgusting, Dwight." "You said we couldn't make any more stops." "Watch the road!" "Hey, you're making me spray!" " I'll kill you, man!" " Oh, my god!" " Michael, Michael, pull over." " That is just so disgusting!" "I think I cut my penis on the lid." "Can you imagine a life where all you have to do is summer in the italian countryside?" "I know, right?" "I just wanna go and look at art... and swim in the Adriatic." "And spend time with George Emerson." "That's what I would do." "I mean, it's the best male protagonist we've read, right?" "Totally!" " I mean, come on, such a free spirit." " What are you doing?" "Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forster novel." "Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious, Pam." "I'm sorry, Andy, but this is a closed club." "The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office." "Naturally, it's where I need to be." "Party Planning Committee is my backup, and Kevin's band is my safety." "Fine." "I'll just... sit here, in the common area and read my book." "Which happens to be the very same book you're reading." "All right, just know you're not in the Finer Things Club." "Why can't I be in the club?" "I can't believe we're here." " I can't believe this is happening." " Believe it." "Do you want the afro wig?" "No, Michael, I'm not leaving the car." " God." "All right, Dwight." " Yeah." "Here's how it's gonna go down." "You and I..." "Guy's going by." "Shh." "You and I are gonna sneak inside." "We'll pretend to be warehouse workers, and we'll string the bejesus out of the place." "If we've to defend ourselves," "I'll stab the security guard in the eye with the jumbo chalk." "No!" "No, you won't do that." "Nope." "Then I'll grind up it and blow it in his eyes." "Dwight, nothing with the eyes." "Please?" "Okay, Jim." "Oh, my god, that's her." "That's her, go, go, go!" " Let's move, move, move!" " Shut up!" "This is the dumbest thing we've ever done." "I think it's interesting how Forster uses" "Italy to represent sexuality and passion." "And that also brought up themes of... you know, fate and coincidence." "And Lucy's torn between these two things." "She's torn between passion and convention." "Damn it!" "It just..." "To be making the case for passion in Edwardian times," " I thought was..." " Yes!" "Damn it." "Made him sort of ahead of his time as writer." "Very brave." "Very brave choice I thought also." "And George, his..." "His youthfulness, his..." "His freedom evokes... feelings," " What are you microwaving?" "!" " Popcorn." "Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis?" "Someone needs to clean it." "It smells like popcorn." "So, Stanley, you really outta here?" "Yep." "Looks that way." "I'm gonna miss you, man." "You've been like an uncle to me." "Like a kind old... uncle Remus." "I wanna stay in touch." "We are in a stairwell." "We are climbing some stairs." " I'm breathing heavily." " Know what?" "You really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me." "There's a guy." "There's a security guard coming by." "Hello, we're warehouse workers." "Would you like more proof?" "Oh, my god." "That was very close." " I can see the security guard's eyes." " No." "No." "Don't do anything to them." "I have to do something to his eyes!" "The eyes... are the groin of the head." "All right, great Scott." "If you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home." "We got something far better." "Their crown jewel." "Their industrial copier." "Isn't that thing huge?" "It's enormous." "But it's got wheels." "We're wheeling it down the hall into the stairwell." "Get the car ready." "Keep the engine running." "No." "That is a terrible idea." "Don't do this." "My hip bone!" "We're wedged between the copier and the railing." "Ow!" "God!" "Ow, my leg!" "Jim, leave us!" " Don't leave us!" " Save yourself!" "Don't leave us, help us!" "We need help, Jim!" "Okay, first of all, stop using my name." "And second of all..." " Dwight, you gotta move..." " Damn it, guys!" " Dwight, just move over a little bit!" " I'm losing control of my bladder!" "Oh, my god, oh, my god, Karen is back." "Did you say Karen?" "Take her to a motel." "Make love to her, Jim." "No, I'm not doing that." "Just say you wanna get back together." "No!" "I'm not doing that." "It doesn't have to mean anything." "Just... do it for Stanley." "Come on, Jim." "Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley." "Jim, this is it for me." "Promise me something." " Jim?" " Host the dundies." "Hey, Karen." "Uh..." "what are you doing here?" "First of all, hi." " What are you doing here?" " You good?" "I'm just checking on the other branches." "Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so..." "Jim, don't tell Karen about the industrial copier!" "Copy that." "I cried for weeks over that guy." "So, yeah..." "Seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies' warehouse uniform... felt pretty good." "Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?" "Listen, lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people." "I'm taking Stanley." "Then we will burn Utica to the ground." "Dwight..." "Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them." "And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head... we will burn Utica to the ground." " Jim, hang on a second?" " Yes." "So you're still doing this kinda stuff, huh?" "Yeah." "Trying to quit, though." "If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult." "No, I didn't wanna see you." "Not that I'm not happy to be seeing you." "Right now." "I'm just saying, ultimately, I was here for the copier." "Equal." "I'd say it was equal." "So, good to see you..." "I mean, it's just that..." "You know, Pam and I are still dating, so... and, I just mean that... things are going really well, so I didn't want to see you..." "Things are going really well?" "Are they?" "They are." "That's great." "That's so great." "I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam." "Can you tell me more about that?" "Thank you so much for coming to Utica and breaking my copier and telling me how well things are going in your relationship." " Really." "Thank you." " All right." "You are welcome." "I'm going to go because of..." " traffic." " Traffic." "Yeah." "Oh, def..." "Go..." "Go 'cause of traffic." "Definitely." "Beat..." "Beat the traffic." "I... will..." "We tried, and we failed." "Stanley, you may go." "Here is a box... for your things." "But I doubt that that box will be able to contain... all the memories that you have of this place." "Fly away, sweet little bird." "Fly away and be free." "Pam..." "I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad." "Wanted... middle-aged black man with sass." "Big butt." "Bigger heart." "I can't... do this." "Michael?" "A word." "Of course." "I changed my mind." "I wanna keep this job." "Really?" "I wasn't really planning on leaving." "All I wanted was a raise." "How on earth did Michael call my bluff?" "Is he some sort of secret genius?" "Sometimes I say crazy things." "Hey." "I'm so sorry." "Rolando told me everything." "How humiliating." "Would it help you to return to another age?" "A time of... refinement and civility?" "Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club?" "Oh, come on!" "Angela's ashes." "Top of the mornin' to it." "Frankie's prose is finer than a pot of gold, say I." "Okay." "Did you get it out of your system?" "Yep." "No, I mean I really liked it." "Thought it was a fun read." " Fun?" " Mm-hmm." " Really?" " Yeah." "What was fun about it for you?" "Was it the death of the twins?" "No, that wasn't... fun." " Did you even read it?" " Course I read it." "How does it end?" "Who was the main character?" "Angela." "Nope." "Ashes."