""Tina screamed for Nurse, but little miss nurse didn't come." ""She was out in the back room, smoking and flirting with Doctor." ""The pain shot through her like a big bullet." ""She knew babies were meant to kick, but were they meant to scratch?"" ""No, they weren't."" "Salutations, friend." "I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer though I prefer the term dream weaver." "When I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace for TV back in the 1980s, I drew inspiration from the dyke of my dreams." "Other times, I copied the plots from dead authors whose copyright had lapsed." "Bite me." "Tonight's episode is based on a true-life story, so I banged it out in a day." "I was told when I was 16 that my balls didn't work." "They dropped, but they kept on going, and it was a question of having them removed or having really long balls, like marbles in a hiking sock." "I chose the latter, and fortunate favoured me, because the day I hit 30 they winched right back up." "The point is, I thought of myself as a freak, an other." "For years I wondered what my goolies would sire - would it be human?" "Thankfully, when I impregnated my wife Pam, she gave birth to twins, a huge relief, but for years, I couldn't help fearing that one might eat the other." "They didn't, which I put down to good parenting." "Tonight's teleplay is about others, or mutants." "It's also about my own desire for a son, which I'll never have because my wife's too old." "So here is my poem to the put-upon, with interviews from myself, my publisher Dean Learner and the actor Todd Rivers." "That way, Darkplace will finally get the critical acclaim it deserves." "Savour." "'l'm Garth Marenghi - author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor." "'You are about to enter the world of my imagination." "'You are entering my Darkplace.'" "'Memories.'" ""Dr Dagless to Ward B. Dr Dagless to Ward B."" "Thanks for coming, Dr Dagless." "I thought I heard voices." "Locked." "Funny. I don't remember locking this door." "And yet it is locked." "Oh, my God!" "Look at the size of that thing's rod!" "Not a word to anyone, capeesh?" "Poor man!" "Not only has he just been screwed by a giant eye, he's now giving birth!" "The actor who played that part was not happy." "However, I had taken him aside that morning and explained what was going to happen." "I would keep the crew down to ten, twelve people." "The guy in the eye was a man whom he knew and, until that day, trusted." "I think that scene's beautiful." "It's very sad that we had to pixelate out an erection, it's sad that people are too frightened of that, it's pathetic." "We've all got one." "I could have one now, you wouldn't know." "I've not got one." "'My name is Dr Rick Dagless, MD." "'That giant eye was once a young man." "'He was having experimental gamma-ray treatment for mumps" "'When the eye-ball of a sex offender got in the reaction chamber with him." "But if you sell your body for medical experiments, you've got a row with the punches." "'At least he was at peace now, on account of being dead." "'l couldn't work out how he managed to make another man pregnant." "'l guess we'd never know." "'You're not gonna find out later.' 'l should have given the kid up to hospital top brass, 'but it felt good to have this little fellow near to me." "'lt felt like I had a son again.'" "Don't play with the windows." "'Reed hauled us in for the morning debrief, but mine were staying on.' 'l was determined to stay sardonic, 'but if they found my baby they'd probably dissect him.'" "Won Ton's mumps programme went west and created a horny giant eye on legs." "Did they ever find it?" "Found dead last night, shot in the eye." "Good riddance." "That's done and dusted, then." "Negative, Sanch. lt's neither done nor dusted." "Won Ton believes the giant eye fathered a child." "Dag, any thoughts?" "I know nothing about it." "Besides, there are more important matters." "For example?" "Hospital bloody hygiene." "The gents had a pube on the pipes." "I found a piece of shit on the seat." "Someone'll have to pick the pube off and it ain't gonna be me." "Can't we discuss something more sanitary?" "As if your fanny never graced a pan." "What's crawled up your crack?" "She has." "Shut your mouth or I'll punch your lights out!" "Come on, Liz. I'll help you apply some more make-up." "Anyway, I'm out of here." "Not so fast, mister." "Where were you last night?" " Nowhere." " Nowhere?" "That's right, nowhere." "Nowhere can be a lonely place." " l get by." " l've been hearing some things." "What things?" "Strange things." "Crazy things." "Things, Dag." " Things?" " Things." "Don't believe everything you hear." "You're hiding something, Dag." "I'll give you 24 hours to get your sorry ship to shore." "After that, I'll do whatever it takes to hunt you down." " l dunno what you're talking about." " 24 hours, Dag. 24 hours." "23 hours, 59 minutes." "Don't make me stand here and count." "See you later. I would stay but the air's starting to stink round here." "Not from me, it's not. I just went." "'Reed was on to me. I needed to stash the sprog till the heat cooled off." "'l had to get my baby to the staff room.'" "'Attention all doctors - look out for a dangerous eye on the ward.'" ""This is a DEFCON 4 situation." "'l repeat, this is a DEFCON 4 situation.'" "'Make-up really is a godsend." "'Now my cheeks are freshly rouged, I feel like a real woman again, like I can face the world 'if the world didn't include Dr Rick Dagless MD- what was up with him?" "'" "'That's Liz." "Remember, Dagless, she's psychic." "'Don't think of anything or she'd read your mind." "'Have a thumb of this." "It looks like a tawdry horror paperback 'but it might just take your mind off things.'" ""'Romford is the cruellest of cities." Nice start." ""'Beneath its skyline's tattered shards lay a million broken dreams."" "'This is good!" "I've misjudged the genre like so many.' 'l'll find out what's going on.' l took those slides down to floor 6." ""'That morning it had rained." "But later it cleared up."'" "It will be great when that microscope arrives." ""'Romford, home to Trent Stockton." ""'injustice made anger rise up in him like a bad sandwich."'" "Word is it's coming Thursday." "But you know what deliveries are like." "'Unreliable.'" "'Specially these days.'" "'Remember, Liz can read your mind.'" "'He's onto me." "Change tack.' What are you reading?" "Some horror novel by..." "Gareth Marunghi." "Garth Marenghi?" "He's my favourite!" "I've read them all!" "I can take it or leave it." "'Shit, that was a bad throw!" "'l hope she doesn't see the photo.'" "Who's this?" " My son." " l didn't know you had a..." "He's dead." "He was born half boy, half-grasshopper, he never had a chance." "I think you'd better go, Liz." " l better had." " Well, go, then." " l'm going." "Bye." " Goodbye." "'Now she's gone I can think about the eye child.'" "'Eye child?" "'" "This episode is about my own desire to have a son." "I have four daughters and, whilst I don't blame them, I don't feel they're on my side." "You think this eye child is linked with the big eye that raped the man in B wing?" "Definitely. lt's what Reed feared." "But why would Dagless hide it?" "Today is the anniversary of Dagless's son's death." "Maybe he's using the eye child to fill a void left by his dead son." "It's all I've got." "We should tell Reed that Dagless is harbouring the eye child." "Aye-aye!" "Hey, this cat's got claws!" " Everything's a joke to you!" " Not everything, Liz." "I'm going for a shower." "I'll be with you in two secs." "You can scrub my legs." "Men!" "You'd better believe it. I'll phone Reed." "Get me Reed!" "Oh, it's you." "It's Sanch here. lt's about Dag." "Hey there, little guy." "We're family now." "You can call me Pops or Dadda." "And I can call you Skipper." "I had a little boy called Skipper." "He was different, too." "If you're different, people fear you." "Look at Michael Jackson." "Or the Krankies, but they're quite shrewd." "It is our duty to fight prejudice and injustice, whether it be in 'Nam, where l fought for my country, or here in Romford." "Come on, let's get you back to beddie-byes." "Day draws into nightfall" "Yonder stars shine bright" "You can be my baby I hope that is all right" "Daddy, don't forget me I haven't but you're dead" "You have a little brother now" "And one day we'll all meet in Valhalla." "I love you, Skipper." "Both of you." "Put the eye down and your hands up!" "I repeat, put the eye down and your hands up!" "Give it up, Dag. it's a potential killer." "Look at these lab results!" "If you're grabbing me by the balls, don't wave a piece of paper at me." "Don't get your panties in a scrunch." "There's nothing we can do." "My orders come from the top - Won Ton himself." "I remember the old Reed, who wouldn't kowtow to Won Ton." "You know how I feel about Won Ton - l wouldn't even slap his ass." "But believe me, he's one fiery dragon." "Trust me. lt won't be harmed." ""lt" has a name. lt's called Skipper." "Rick, you've been to hell and back with your dead son." "But that thing's dangerous." "Can't you see that?" "You can dissect a heart, but you'll never know what makes it skip a beat." "Dag, this is hospital business now." "Hand him over. 'Kay?" "'Kay." "'Kay." "'Kay." "'Kay." "'But when I'd finished saying "'kay" to Reed, I had a premovision.'" "Freak!" "Skipper!" "'l knew what I had to do.'" "'Look out, he's got a stick!" "'" "Sit there, little 'un." "Watch me glasses." "Keep away from me!" "Keep away!" "He's insane!" "He doesn't know what he's doing!" "Pin him down, man!" "For Christ's sake!" "Calm him down!" "You're acting like an ape, a wild ape!" "Just let me hold him in my arms one more time." "All right, get up." "Hello." "Dag?" "Dag?" "It's time to go." "If there's anything I can do..." "Anything." "There is one thing." " Just say the word." " The gents... lt's been taken care of." "I got John to give it a quick wipe." "I'll leave you alone to make your peace." "Actually, sorry, Dag, they've just asked me to move you out so they can bleach the sink." "I haven't acted since." "Some say I didn't act during, but er... those would be unkind people." "I did my best." "He couldn't interact with another actor." "I've never seen that before and I've never seen that since." "But I've just seen the tape and it looks OK." "Do you think that eye child took over Dag's mind?" "I don't know." "But it took over his heart." "For a while, at least." "Liz and I are gonna check on him, see how he is." "You wanna come too?" "No." "Hey." "Hey." "(Hey.)" "(Hey.)" "It's my fault." "I should never have let myself get this close again." "How's your head?" "It'll live. I've lost some vision in the left eye and I get headaches." "That's concussion." "There's some Panadol in my locker." " Thanks." " Replace them when you get a chance." "Thanks, Rick." "She's a good girl, Dag." "You're too hard on her." "I know." "I just don't find her physically attractive." "Memories." "They have a habit of sticking to you like..." "Like a pube on a pipe?" "Yeah." "Something like that." "Come on." "Let's get out of here." "I'll buy you a drink down The Drip." "Can I take a rain check?" "My guts are playing up." "Sure." "Here's a pound if you change your mind." "Thanks." "Are you sure you're gonna be OK?" "Can I take a rain check on that?" "You bet." "Sanch?" "Yeah?" "If you pass a postbox, can you post my pools coupon?" "Sure thing." "'l'd been pound foolish." "I could see that now." "'And that takes humility." "'Nothing could take my son's place, not even a pet, 'though I would like a Jack Russell." "They are clever dogs." "'l thought of the good times we had together, playing games." "'l beat him easily, but he learned something from each fresh defeat." "'The one thing he could do was outjump me." "'That would prove his undoing, 'but I'd need a scotch to tell you about that." "'lt involved a hop and the blades of a helicopter.'" "" "The pube-on-the-pipe metaphor came from a real-life incident at Dean's." "All I know is, er... the pube weren't mine." "Cos mine are grey, or indeed white." "So I can't take credit for that one." "In the end I picked up that pube and it made that gents a better place." "That's my question to the Government." "Will you get your hands dirty or let things clog up the system?" "'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a Garth Marenghi production 'in association with Dean Learner.'"