"There's something scary going on in houses all over America." "Nobody's talking about it, but it's happening." "I can't sleep." "I'll go." "That's right." "I'm talking about the 3 a.m. shuffle." "If you're a parent and you've never done it, you're lying." "Yep, there's something scary going on in houses all over America." "And we're putting up with it." "You all right?" "Ugh." "Brick got into our bed last night and I had to sleep on the couch." "Weekend's coming up." "You can catch up on your Zs then." "No." "Brick's got a book fair he needs to get to and Sue needs jeggings, whatever those are and Axl has this science project due Monday and needs a poster board and an idea." " What're you and Mike doing?" " Uh, that." "Can't you just tell them no?" "Bob, Bob, Bob." "You so don't have kids." "That I know of." "Ha, ha." "What you doing?" "Well, cross-country is over and like a caterpillar, I've shed my sweatshirt to emerge reborn for the next challenge that lies ahead." "I'm trying to decide what to try out for next." "Ooh." " So, what do you think?" "Cheerleading?" " What else?" " Basketball." " Next." " Synchronized swimming." " Keep going." "The Everybody-Makes-It Follies." "Hello." "Now, that one there seems interesting." "It's this talent show at lunchtime." "I don't even think there are tryouts or anything." "You just sign up." "I'm really liking the sound of that." "I made dinner." "Come get your bags." " In here." " Hey." "Okay." "Here you go." "We got tacos, burgers and fries, sub shop." "I thought we were getting chicken." "I wanted chicken." "The kids called and they all wanted something different." "I went to three different drive-throughs." "I wasn't about to go to a fourth place so we got this." " What's this?" " Chicken salad from the taco place." "This isn't chicken." "Chicken comes in a bucket." "Way to go, Mom, they forgot my shake." "No, are you serious?" "They didn't put it in?" "The reason I wanted you to go was for the shake." "I dip my fries in the shake." "Fine, I'll go back." "Wait." "Hold on, Frankie." "This is crazy." "You just got home, you went to three places, you're not going back out." " I'll do it." " Can I have pop?" " I'll take more fries." " Wait." "What are we doing here, Mike?" "What?" "Uh, shake, more fries, the pop from the taco place, not the burger place." "I got it." "When did this happen?" "When did the kids become our bosses?" "Napkins." "Bob was right." "What about us?" "We never do anything for ourselves anymore." "We're always catering to them." " As soon as I said it," " I realized it was true." "Somewhere along the way, we had become second-class citizens in our own house." "Sue, how many times do I have to tell you to take your backpack?" "I'm not doing it for you." "Is Wizards of Waverly Place over yet?" "No." "Oh, thank God, a rest stop." "Pull over." "I really gotta go." " We are not stopping." " We're 52 miles from home, Mom." "Fine." "If traffic's good, I think I can hold it." "We're pathetic, Mike." "Pathetic." "Our parents would have never put up with this." "I hated green peppers, but my mom always made me eat them because that's what we had." "On Thursdays, I had to choke down those green peppers." "My dad watched Hoosier Farm Report every night." "Guess what I watched?" "Hoosier Farm Report." "And here's our kids, stretched out on our couch watching our big TV eating like kings, and we're hunched over the counter eating crappy shreds of chicken from the taco place." "How did we let this happen?" "When did this start?" "I don't know." "But I'll tell you when it stops." "No." "That clock is broken." "Axl was playing ball in the house after I told him not to." "What are you doing?" "I'll tell you what we're doing." "We're taking back the house." " Come on, get up." " Hey." "We were here first." "You were?" "I don't remember seeing you in 1991 when I bought this house." "What does that even mean?" "It means we've been letting you get away with too much, but that is over." "It's our house, our TV and we're gonna watch what we wanna watch." " You mean after our show is over?" " No, I mean, like, now." " Picture-in-picture?" " We call the big picture." "No, you do not get a picture." "You are out of the picture." "Well, we..." "But what are we supposed to do?" "We'll be bored." " We don't care." "That's the beauty of it." " Ha, ha." "This is unfair." "You're parents." "It's your job to put your kids first." " Who says?" " I'll tell you who says." "The Giving Tree." "You're the ones who read us the book." "The tree gave up all its leaves and its apples and its branches and it let the little boy cut it down so it could be a canoe." "And it didn't complain and go nuts and kick anyone off the TV." "No." "It wanted to be a stump." "It was happy." "Ha." "I don't think he was happy." "I think he didn't have the guts to do what we're doing, say no." "Well, your dad and I aren't stumps." "Not anymore." "That night we slept better than we had in weeks." "And the next day, I took it further and started  a little extreme home makeover of my own." "Oh, hey, honey." "How was school?" " What's going on?" "What is this?" " Oh, I'm taking back my house." "I thought that was just yesterday." "No, no." "I have tripped over my last tennis ball I have sat on my last joystick." "You guys are gonna start keeping all your crap in your rooms." "So dig in this pile for what's yours because anything that's left is going in the trash." "Oh, my God." "What did you do to the family room?" "What did you do to the family room?" "You like it?" "I've always wanted it this way." "No, I don't like it." "It's like you're trying to pretend you never had us." "Dad." "Look what she did to the family room." " Oh, hey." "Looks great." " I know, right?" "We actually have a nice family room." "I'm not embarrassed to have people over anymore." "Don't worry." "We're not having people over." "Can one of you take me to the library?" "Brick, do you not even notice what they did?" "Oh." "Weird." "So can one of you take me to the library?" "I feel like reading about Peru." "No." "Brick, sorry, can't." "Actually, won't." "I just got home from work and I am going to eat my pizza for once while it is still hot." "That is really annoying." "If you're really dying to find out about Peru, look it up online." "But I like books." "I like the feel of the paper in my hands." "I like the feel of pizza in my hand so nobody's taking you anywhere right now." "If you won't do anything for us, why'd you even have kids?" "Because babies are cute." "If you'd have come out teenagers, we might've had to rethink." "You got the wrong pizza." "It has yellow things all over it." "What is this?" "Oh!" "Pineapple pizza?" "Oh, Mike." " Ha, ha." "Still good, huh?" " I still don't get it." "Why are you doing this?" "You trying to teach us some kind of lesson?" "Ha, ha." "You think we have nothing better to do than sit around thinking up lessons to teach you?" "This isn't about you." "Your mom and I love this pizza and we never get it." "Now we're getting it." " But we don't like this pizza." " You'll eat what we provide." "In the wild, when the lion brings back the zebra he just killed the cubs don't get to say, "Oh, we don't like zebra." "We wanted wildebeest."" "When the lion brings back zebra, everybody eats zebra." "But I don't like zebra." "I want wildebeest." " Well, all we've got is zebra." " But the zebra has pineapple on it." "Wait, who's the lion in this story?" "I'm the lion." "I'm the lion in all the stories." "What're you doing?" "We're afraid to go in." "We don't feel welcome." "They're not backing down, Axl." "I don't even know who they are anymore." "You know, Carly and I are working on this dance for the Lunchtime Follies." "We saw polka dot umbrellas at the mall that are essential to the number so I called Mom and asked if she could pick one up." "She said no, I should just use whatever we have in the closet." "Today she doesn't remind me to bring my lunch and when I text her, she refuses to bring it to school." "I had no lunch." "No lunch." "No one's taken me to the library in two days." "Just complaining about it is not gonna help us." "The more we complain, the stronger they get and the longer they live." "The Internet has no paper." "It doesn't smell like paper, it doesn't feel like paper." "Okay." "Here's the plan." "We're taking back the house from them taking back the house." "It's a double take back." "Starting today, we're not gonna react, we're just gonna play along." "They'll never know what hit them." " Hey, Axl." " What you watching?" "It's Southern belle week on Say Yes to the Dress." " Everyone's from the South." " Oh, awesome." "Mind if I join?" "Mm." "Last week on Say Yes to the Dress..." "Ugh!" "Can't do it." "Yup, it was a strange new world." "Brick knew if he had a hope of surviving in it, he was gonna have to adapt." "P-E-R-U." "You may think Mike and I were crazy for what we were doing  but the only crazy thing is that we hadn't done it sooner." "I was dreaming of the night" "Would it turn out right?" "Mom, can you please change the station?" "I can." "But I won't." "I wanna build my world around you" " Is that the last cookie?" " Yep, it is." " Dad." " My mistake." "There's one more." "Mom, Dad, a Nigerian prince desperately needs our help." "He needs our bank account information in order to transfer millions out of his country and in exchange for our help, he'll give us $3000." "Hurry." "The bank closes in half an hour." "It's a scam, Brick." "Not everything on the Internet is true." "So there's not beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?" "I have to update my blog." "Oh, shoot." "My bus is outside and nobody packed me a snack." " I need a paper towel roll for science." " Good luck with that." "Fine." "Just sit there, sipping your coffee while we run around." "That's the plan." "You know, I'm pretty sure we could sue you for this." "I..." "Well, Brick found this website with a lawyer who'll take our case for 29 bucks." " And I'm pretty confident we would win." " Oh, no." "I hope I don't lose custody." " Mom, about the polka dot umbrella?" " No." " Brick." " Huh?" "What're you doing?" "You have school." "I woke up in the middle of the night." "You won't let me in your bed so I came here to look up Native Americans which linked me to the Albuquerque Balloon Festival which linked me to stars, which linked me to Us magazine." "It took me all night to finish clicking on Who Wore it Best?" "That's just great." "You missed the bus." "I voted for Ashley Tisdale, but now I'm second-guessing myself." "I should make up a new user name and vote for Scarlett Johansson instead." "It's hard because they both wore it well." "Scarlett Johansson." "I'll meet you in the car." "Uh-uh." "I'm not driving." "You've got feet." "You're gonna use them." "Actions have consequences." "Maybe not before, but they do now." "Frankie, what's going on?" "I saw Brick walking to school." "Said he missed the bus and you wouldn't drive him." " That is correct." " Oh, no." "Are you and Mike having problems?" "Did you lose your job?" "Are you drinking mouthwash to get drunk?" "No, Mike and I have decided not to be stumps anymore." "If Brick misses the bus, he has to walk to school." "Oh, look." "The Little River Band Cover Band is playing at T.J. Schnausers on Wednesday." " I love Little River Band." "Me too." "Mike and I used to make out to them when we made out." " We should totally go." " On a Wednesday night?" "We'll get Sean and Axl to babysit." "It would be so fun." "I haven't been to a concert since the state fair." "I don't know if Sean'll want to." "That is stump mentality." "We put a roof over their heads and food on their table." "We will tell them they are babysitting." "Are you with me, Nancy?" "We're not just gonna take back our house." "We're gonna take back our lives." "They were awesome." "You'd never know the Little River Band Cover Band is not the Little River Band." " Why haven't we done this before?" " We should." "We should do this every Wednesday." "Mike, we're doing it every Wednesday." "Beer and dollar wings?" "Hell, yeah, we're doing it every Wednesday." "Oh, no more for us." "We gotta head home." " What?" " What?" "No." "You can't leave." "They haven't done "Lonesome Loser."" "You can't leave before "Lonesome Loser."" "It's just we told Dottie and Shelly we'd be home in time for their bedtime ritual." "They love the way Ron says goodnight in the voice of their lambie-pie." "I say good night." "It's like a sheep?" "They like it." "Oh, come on." "You should at least stay and..." "Oh, shoot." "I have to go too." " What?" " Nicole needs help with her homework." "This is exactly what I'm talking about." "You are allowed to put your happiness first once in a while." "Is that true?" " Yeah." " Yes." "We took our lives back a week ago and it has been like being on vacation in Paris or Myrtle Beach." "It's that good." "And just last night, we kissed." "On a Tuesday." " She's asking if we've left yet." " Think about when you were kids." "Did your parents spend their weekend entertaining you?" "Did they cater to your every whim?" "No." "Somewhere along the way, we started drinking the Kool-Aid." "How about the weekends we spent at the zoo?" "They don't remember any of it." "We took Sean to the Space Needle." "He said it was boring." "Oh, God, now she's texting me." "Algebra homework." "I hate algebra." " What're we gonna do?" " Shh." "Let me think." "What?" "You did your homework." "You studied algebra." "You made the bus." "Now it is our time to take a night out for ourselves to dance to the sweet sounds of the Little River Band Cover Band." "Are you joining the revolution or not?" "I'm texting her back no." "I'm shaking." "Ha, ha." "What did she text back?" "I don't know." "Turning it off." " All right!" "Yeah." " Yay!" "Have you heard of the lonesome loser?" "We're changing the world, Mike." "One couple at a time." "Have you heard about the lonesome loser?" "He's a loser But he still keeps on trying" "I know." "I can't believe you are just getting home." "It is 10:20." "Wow!" "No wonder I'm so tired." "You leave me alone with Sue and Brick." "You're out doing God knows what and I just don't understand what I'm supposed to be learning from this." "What do you wanna hear?" "I appreciate you." "I'm bad, you're good." "I haven't been focusing on my grades, I should call Grandma pick up my pants, what?" "What do you want from me?" "Just tell me and I'll do it so we can go back to our normal lives." "Okay, Axl, well, uh, here's the truth." "This whole thing has been about um, your grades." "Thank you." "God, you're always on me about my grades." "Ugh!" "Mom, Dad the Follies are tomorrow and I have to have that polka dot umbrella because the twins have matching scrunchies..." "Go to bed, Sue." "Brick." "Bed." " Okay." "Hold on." " I'm just bidding on a speedboat." "I think I'm gonna get it." " Morning." " Whoo." "Was I drumming last night?" "My wrist hurts." "No, you slipped in Nancy's vomit." "You know, I don't think we're gonna be able to do this every Wednesday." "Did you guys know that you can find anything on the Internet?" "And I mean anything." "Like what exactly?" "Like I looked up Moby Dick, the hard edition." " Ugh, you didn't." " And you can't believe what came up." " Oh, I'm afraid we can." " All these first editions and stuff." "It's all right there on RarePrintBooks. com." " See?" " Oh." "Good for you, Brick." "That's what the Internet's for, books." "Oh, and then I met some guy online who wants to meet me at the park." "Maybe we should've taken him to the library." "I can either bring a black umbrella or a Hello Kitty one." "No, it's okay, Carly." "They don't have to match." "Well, I have a pink raincoat." "Maybe I can cut it into dots and staple it on." "I know it's not exactly what we wanted, but our dancing will make up for it." " No." "It will." " Frankie." "Be strong." " I am." "I totally am." " We really suck at choreography." "The truth is, I sort of felt bad." "But it was ridiculous." "What was I gonna do?" "Go late to work so I could drive by the mall  and buy a stupid polka dot umbrella for a one-time lunch performance?" " Yes, I was." " Oh!" "Oh, my gosh." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "You're the best mom ever." "Oh." "Honey, you're welcome." "We don't need to tell your dad about this." "Got it." "I gotta go find Carly and tell her." "Oh, whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hold up there, mister." "You're a little too big to hide." "Aha!" "Well, look what we have here." "Looks like what we have here is a stump." "Oh, I'm the stump." "No, you're the stump." "I can't believe that you would do this." "That you go behind my back and get the umbrella for her so I look like the bad guy?" "You mean like you went behind my back, stump?" "Okay, look, we were weak." "But this doesn't mean that we still can't be strong." " This is a one-time thing." " Just an umbrella." "We're not giving up the whole revolution." "And now we own the umbrella." "After the show, we can still use it." "Yeah, you can't have too many umbrellas." "Never." "Just because we're giving up on this doesn't mean we gave in on everything." "It's not the beginning of the end." "It was the beginning of the end." "In a few weeks, we had slipped back into old habits." "Yay, cheese." "Don't worry." "The pineapple slice is for your dad and me." "What?" "I love pineapple on pizza now." "Oh." "What's the matter, sweetie?" "You want your binky?" "Your bottle?" "Tell me what you want and I will get it for you." "Stop." "Don't do it." "Give him what you want him to have." "It's too late for me, but you're just starting out." "It's not too late for you." "Tell your friends." "Spread the word." "She won't." "Mom!" "Coming." "So why do we keep running around  doing for our kids even when it makes our lives hard?" "Because we love them." "And it makes you happy to make them happy." "Damn it." "That's how they get you." "If you happen to be dancing the tango" "At least in the end, it's worth it." "Umbrellas are impossible things" "They're hard to handle And they sway"