"You've read it?" "I've read it." "Have you read this?" "He's read it." "Let me read it to you!" "We've read it." ""Let's get rid of Jim Hacker", by John Pilgrim special investigator." "The Right Honourable Jim Jacker MP, promised to carry out the government's plans to slim down the Civil Service, listen, to wipe out the interference from the Whitehall and" "Town Hall busybodies." "But how many people realise that the detectives want a example more people serve in the Inland Revenue than the Royal Navy?" "Is it true?" "I believe it is, Minister." ""Perhaps the government thinks that a tax is the best form of defence"." "That's rather witty." "And have you read this bit?" "I have read it." ""I have discovered that no less than four ministries check the supply of the same army uniforms." "The Ministry Defence checks to see they get what they ordered." "But the Department of Industry checks to see they have been manufactured according to government regulations." "The Treasury checks the bills." "And Jim Hacker's mob just checks up on everyone else." "Jim Hacker is the most obvious case of overmanning in Whitehall." "Let's start by getting rid of him and save at least one salary"." "Frank, why did you read me that?" "I told you I'd read it." "Because I'm yourpolitical advisor." "Do you realise how politically damaging for you." "Good morning, Minister." "Have you read this?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "I have read it!" "I have read it," "You have read it, he has read it!" "We have all bloody read it, do I make myself clear?" "Abundantly, Minister." "I'm sorry." "Sit down." "Humphrey, we have got to slim down the Civil Service." "Howmany people have we got in this department?" "This department?" "Oh, we're very small." "Small?" "How small?" "I don't know... 2.000?" "3.000?" "about 23.000 I think, Minister." "23.000?" "In the Department of Administrative Affairs?" "23.000 people just administering other administrators?" "We'll have to do a study to see who we can get rid of." "We did one of those last year, minister." "And?" "It transpired we needed another 500 people." "However, we could always close your Bureaucratic Watchdog Office." "No, you don't." "The office just opened." "It's the one thing I've done since I got here." "But as you wish minster, it has been criticised as a trouble maker's letterbox." "I know." "It's very popular with the voters Humphrey" "This is a chance to help us find ways to stop wasting government money." "But public doesn't know anthing about wasting government money." "We are the experts." "That's not what I meant." "Well, the Bureaucratic Watchdog Office stays." "Well, offhand I can't think of what else to suggest." "Are you seriously telling me that there is no way we can cut down?" "I suppose we could lose one or two of the tea ladies." "Oh, Humphrey," "I do wish you'd take this seriously." "Tea ladies!" "I want the facts." "I want to know who works here, what they do, what buildings we have, what goes on in them." "And comlete record." "Then we'll know where to cut costs, cut staff, cut procedures..." "The Civil Service, Minister, exists to implement legislation enacted by Parliament." "As long as Parliament continues to legislate, the Civil Service..." "However, I am fully seized of your requirements, minister." "and if you excuse me I'll go and set the wheels in motion." "Thank you." "Good morning, Mr. Weasel." "Weisel." "Did you know that a northwest Regional Controller has achieved cuts of 32 million pounds in his region alone?" "And that the Civil Service is suppressing the story?" "Is it true?" "Well if it is, I'm aghast!" "Why does it suppress news?" "Because if he can save money,everyone else will have to do it." "Why don't you look into it, have a bit of a ferret around?" "Do you think I could?" "I think that's a very good idea," "Mr. Ferret erWeasel." "Hey!" "He told you 32 million pounds?" "Yes, Sir Humphrey." "I'm aghast!" "So was I." "It's incredible we didn't know about it." "I knew about it." "Then why are you aghast?" "I'm aghast that it got out." "We might get less money from the Treasury next year." "Oh, it's afterhalf past five." "Sherry?" "Oh, er, yes." "Thank you." "You still look worried, Bernard." "Well... yes." "I mean, surely we want to save money." "Bernard, You know perfectly well there has to be some way to measure success in the Civil Service." "British Leyland measure their success by the size of their profits, or, to be more accurate, they measure their failure by the size of their losses." "We don't have profits and losses." "We have to measure our success by the size of our staff and our budget." "By definition, Bernard, a big department is more successful than a small one." "Are you saying that the northwest Regional Controller boobed by saving so much money?" "Well, of course." "Nobody asked him to." "Suppose everybody did it!" "Suppose everyone went around saving money irresponsibly all over the place." "That's what the Minister wants, isn't it?" "Do sit down, Bernard." "Ministers come and Ministers go." "The average Minister lasts less than 11 months in any department." "You see, Bernard, it is our duty to assist the Minister to fight for the Department's money despite his own panic reactions." "You mean help him overcome his panic." "No." "No." "No." "No, we must let him panic." "Politicians like to panic." "They need activity." "It's their substitute for achievement." "We must just ensure that it doesn't change anything." "But they are the people's representatives, democratically chosen." "MP's aren't chosen by the people, they are chosen by their local party." "35 men in grubby raincoats or 35 women in silly hats." "And the government are selected from the best of them." "Bernard, there are only 630 MP's." "If one party has just over 300 it forms a government." "Of that 300, one hundred are too old and too silly, one hundred too young and too callow which leaves just about a hundred MP's to fill 100 governmental posts." "There's no choice al all." "They've had no selection, no training." "We have to do the job for them." "But how can we explain saving 32 million pounds to the Minister?" "We can explain they've changed their accounting systems in the northwest." "Or that they've redrawn the regional boundaries so that the current figures aren't operable." "There are all sorts of possibilities." "I see." "Useful chat, Bernard, good job it never took place." "Yes." "Yes." "Of course." "So what else is our friend Weasel up to?" "Oh, he's ferretting." "Ferretting?" "Where?" "It's a roving brief." "Then we shall have to provide Rover with a government car." "So that we'll know where he's digging." "How... how are you getting on with your Minister, Humpy?" "Got this economising no sense under control?" "Yes, I think so, Jumbo... more or less." "What do you mean more or less?" "Well... yes and no." "Presumably it's like all the other government economy drives?" "Three days of press releases,three weeks of memos, a crisis in the Middle East and back to normal?" "This one's slightly different." "I'm afraid He's beginning to see slimming down the Service as his main task." "Dammit, we don't need slimming!" "I think you might have to conduct another Operation Hair Shirt." "Operation Hair Shirt." "What a good idea." "Guide him towards painful personal economies." "Yes, you know." ""Economy begins at home, Minister"." ""Set an example, Minister"." ""Can't expect others to do what we can't do ourselves, Minister"." "Yes, yes." "Just what he needs, self denial." "Splendid." "Right." "Item 3." "The economy drive." "Frank has come up with some really startling indications of wastage in our very midst." "Has he confirmed?" "And I think you gonna be pretty surprised of what I uncovered" "And I must say Hamphrey" "These facts are a frightening indictment of bureaucratic sloppiness and self indulgence." "Dear, yeah." "But as you'll see, they do give us enormous scope for some really dramatic economies." "Good show!" "Two files, one on manpower, one on buildings." "Let's start with the buildings." "Chadwick House, West Audley Street." "A huge building only a handful of people working there." "Yes, 20..." "I'm so sorry." "I do happen to know about Chadwick House." "What do you know?" "It's obviously underused at the most, but it's the destinite office for the new Commission for the Environment." "And we're actually wondering if it's going to be big enough for all the staff." "O.K." "What about Ladysmith Buildings, Walthamstow." "Apparently that's empty." "Of course." "What do you mean, of course?" "Security, minister." "I can say no more." "Do you mean Ml6?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "We do not admit that Ml6 exists." "Everybody knows it exists." "Nevertheless, we do not admit it." "Not everyone round this table has been vetted." "I thought that was something you do cats." "Yes, indeed." "But not ferrets, Minister." "Ladysmith House is top secret." "How can a sevenstorey building in Walthamstow tobe top secret?" "Where there's a will there's a way." "What about Wellington House and Westminster Old Hall?" "Wellington House, Hyde Park Road, estimated value 7.5 million pounds." "Westminster Old Hall, Sackville Square, estimated value 11 million pounds." "Each building with a tiny staff, and both filled entirely with filing cabinets." "May I ask the source of these valuations?" "Going rate for property." "But neither of these properties would fetch the going rate." "Why not?" "Wellington House has no fire escape or fire doors and the building wouldn't stand the alteration." "It can't be used as offices." "How are you able to use them?" "Government buildings do not require fire safety clearance." "Why not?" "Well, perhaps because Her Majesty's Civil Servants are not easily inflamed." "I hope it is right." "What about Westminster Old Hall?" "Class one Registered Building." "Can't change current user designation." "I see. 3 to 17 Beaconsfield Street?" "Ah, yes." "Now that has a three-level reinforced concrete basement." "So?" "It is there in case." "In case?" "Well, you know, Minister." "Emergency Government Headquarters, if and when." "If and when what?" "If and when... you know what." "What?" "If and when you know what." "I don't know what." "What?" "What?" "What do you mean, if and when you know what?" "Minister, when the chips are down, and the balloons are up and the lights go out..." "There has to be somewhere to carry on government, even if everything else stops." "Why?" "The government just stops just because the whole country's been destroyed." "Annihilation's bad enough, without anarchy to make things even worse." "you mean a lot of rebellions cinders?" "That's right." "Who would be there for you to govern?" "Well, some ordinary people around." "What about central registry?" "No planning permission." "How did he know always?" "You knew where I'd been." "Obviously we knew where he'd been." "Why, was he supposed to be spying?" "We do believe in open enquiries, don't we?" "Let us turn to manpower." "Yes, let's!" "Aparently there are 90 Civil Servants in Sunderland except the duplicating the work of 90 more here in Whitehall." "That stems from a Cabinet decision, job creation in the northeast." "Let's get rid of them." "We'd get rid of 90 Civil Servants at a stroke." "Yes, or indeed, at a strike." "Yes." "What?" "Well, personally I would be hope heartily in favour of such a move, minister." "It would be a splendid economy." "And show great political courage to sack staff in depressed marginal constituencies." "I just don't believe it that" "There is nowhere we can cut down." "I see waste everywhere." "Well I agree with you, Minister." "There's certain diseconomy" "Well, where?" "Well." "I sometimes feel that the very way we do things is on too lavish a scale." "You know, cars, furnishings... entertainments, private office staff..." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Fine." "Yes." "That's where we'll start." "Magnificent." "Yes, unfortunely there is a difficulty." "I knew it!" "It does cause profound resentment if those at the top continue to enjoy the comforts, the conveniences, they with draw from those below them, not to mention the deeply damaging publicity..." "You mean you and I should..." "Set a personal example?" "Economy begins at home?" "We can't expect others to do what we don't do ourselves, can we?" "Does it really save all that much?" "Well, not directly, no." "but as an example to the whole public service incalculable." "Well, I don't know..." "Jim, there'd be a lot of great publicity in it:" ""The Minister shows the way"." ""Slimline Government"." ""Hacker sets an example"." ""Save it" says Jim." "Yes." "Yes, that's it." "Great, where do we start?" "Turn the..." "Sorry." "Were you asleep?" "Yes." "I missed my train." "Had to walk all the way to Euston." "What happen to the chauffeur driven car?" "Got rid of it." "Why?" "Got rid of all the chauffeur, too." "and all that grand office furniture, drinks cabinet, half the staff in my private office." "You've been sacked." "No, no..." "Then why?" "It's an economy drive." "I'm setting an example." "No luxuries, no frills, no privileges..." "You're mad..." "For 20 years you've complained you had no facilities." "Now you have been given them and you are throwing them away." "20 years you've wanted to be a success." "Why did you want it, if it brings no greater comfort than failure?" "You don't really understand politics to you." "This way's gonna bring me much more power in the end." "Yeah, darling." "And how are you going to travel when you are Prime Minister." "Hitch hike?" "Bernard coming here for a diary cession..." "Yeh, Minister." "As soon as I've done this typing." "Can't you get..." "Not really, it's rather urgent." "And since the cutbacks there's just the two of us." "I have to do everything." "Well, come to my office I must talk to you." "Mandy!" "Mandy!" "Yes?" "Where's W?" "Top left." "Bernard!" "Come in here!" "Now!" "Bernard, we got to get these to my appointment." "I was double booked and is half an hours' late for that thing." "What thing is?" "The Business Efficiency Exhibition!" "I do apologise, but what with the... staff economies in your private office, it is awfully difficult to keep track." "I can't help that." "What's happening in the afternoon?" "I'll get the diary, minister." "Not now, dear!" "Not now!" "Morning" "Do you have to do that now?" "Yes." "Yes." "They've cancelled the night shift." "Some idiot's started another of those economy drives." "I'm Nellie." "Good." "Well, the point is..." "Who are you?" "I'm the Minister." "Oh, really?" "Oh, I'm ever so pleased to meet you." "I voted for you." "Oh, good." "Thank you." "You can call me Nellie." "Thank you." "What do I call you?" "Er..." "Jim." "Here's the diary, Minister." "Right." "Turn that off, would you, dear?" "Turn it..." "Nellie!" "What?" "Would you excuse us?" "This is confidential." "I've got to get on you know, Jim." "So have I." "Jim?" "Well, I won't use the hoover." "I'll tiptoe, you'll never notice me." "Go please." "I'm light as a feather." "Go!" "Now!" "All right, Jim." "I can take a hint." "It's just a Mr. Brough this morning Minister." "our Director of Manpower Planning to the northeast region." "Brough?" "Yes, staff reductions." "Oh, yes." "And then straight to the House." "for question time for 7 o'clock division." "at 8 o'clock the France prime minister reception at his Embassy." "Right." "Would you excuse me." "Minister" "I must take the schedules down to the Whips Office." "Bernard Bernard..." "Yes, Minister?" "It is worth it, you know..." "Centre page spread and three pictures." "Yes, I have read it, Minister." "See this one of me, with a cheese roll on a cardboard plate?" ""No luxury lunches in Hacker's new austerity regime"." ""Economy begins at home" said Jim Hacker today, as he set an example to Britain's pampered army of bowler hatted bureaucrats"." "Terrific, isn't it?" "You have read it to me already." "Great, isn't it?" "Yes, Minister." "Economise on the beaches..." "Excuse me." "Yes?" "Yes?" "I would like to see the minister." "Do you have an appointment?" "My name is Ron Watson, I'm the General Secretary of the Union of Civil Service Transport Workers." "Yes, Mr. Watson." "We're disturbed about rumours of redundancies affecting our members..." "I'm sorry,Mr. Watson. you can't see the minister." "You must have an appointment." "Phone me tomorrow." "Why can't I arrange it now?" "I'm sorry." "Oh, really!" "Mandy, make an appointment for Mr. Watson to see the ministerfor next week." "Next week?" "Hello..." "Mr. Brough." "Yes, we're expecting Mr. Brough now." "When's it due in at Euston?" "We'll just have to cancel it for today then." "Yes, yes, I'll tell him." "Goodbye." "Sorry to keep you." "Now, about your appointment." "When would be convenient..." "The meeting's cancelled then?" "Yes." "So I can see him now." "I'm afraid not, you see..." "Would you excuse me just a moment?" "Yes?" "No." "He's not here." "He's gone over to the Whips Office." "Would you like the extension?" "Ah, Mr..." "Brough?" "No." "Mr. Brough's had to cancel the meeting." "My name's Ron Watson." "I'm..." "I'm glad you could get here instead." "Do sit down, won't you." "Oh, thank you." "Now, Mr. Er..." "Watson." "Mr. Watson, Before we start there's one thing I must make absolutely clear." "This must not get out." "If the unions were to get to hear of this all hell would be let loose." "Oh, yes." "Of course there'll be redundancies." "You simply..." "You simply can't slim down a giant bureaucracy like this without getting rid of people." "Ultimately, a lot of people." "Won't you be holding discussions with the Unions first?" "We'll go through the charade of discussions, but you know what Trade Unionists are like;" "thick as two short planks and bloody minded." "All of them?" "Pretty well." "Good lord, you should know." "They're interested in poaching each other's members and they can't keep their big mouths shut." "What about drivers and transport service staff?" "First to go." "Good lord." "We waste a fortuna on cars and drivers." "And they're all on the fiddle." "Oh, I see." "Because, as I was trying to explain that," "I'm not Mr. Brough's deputy." "I'm the General Secretary of the Union of" "Civil Service Transport and Associated Government Workers." "Ah." "I..." "I came here to check there was no truth in the rumours of redundancies for my members." "Well..." "I..." "I..." "All I meant was..." "Oh, God." "He quotes me, word for word:" ""Of course there will be redundancies." "Lots!"" "I'm most terribly sorry." "Are all the drivers on strike?" "100 % response." "How could you allow this to happen?" "C.B.E., Minister." "C.B. E?" "Can't be everywhere." "Of course, in normal circumstances..." "Yes." "Yes." "I know, I know." "Would you mind if I remind you." "You and Mrs. Hacker are due at the French Embassy at 8." "Oh, yes." "Get me the car, will you?" "Oh..." "Better ring Mrs. Hacker, ask her to bring our car into town." "Well I have to ignore the possibility, minister." "Mrs. Hacker said she had dropped it off at the garage." "She'll have to do that tomorrow." "It'll get us as far as Kensington anyway." "At least there are no problems about that." "Annie, it's no good." "We'll have to walk." "Have you got the umbrella?" "No, haven't you?" "Terrific." "You're going the wrong way." "I'm not, I'm going home." "Annie!" "I think I've found what's wrong." "I know I have!" "Oui, Monsieur?" "Her Majesty's Minister for Administrative Affairs." "My car broke down." "Mr. Hacker, you look as if you need some champagne." "I do." "Lots!" "Mr. Hacker?" "Thanks, mate." "Gutter press!" "All right, what do they say?" "Mr. Economy falls down in gutter after champagne party"." "Oh, my God!" "This one is better." ""Hacker tired and emotional after Embassy reception"." "Is that better?" "It's different." "Do any of them say anything other than "tired and emotional"?" "William Hickey said you were overwrought, Minister." "Just "overwrought"?" "Nothing about being drunk?" "Just "overwrought"." ""Overwrought as a newt", actually." "It couldn't really be any worse." "I don't want to depress you, minister... but there is just this lead story in The Times." "It is worse!" ""Hacker recruit 400 new Civil Servants in, quote, "economy drive"!" "400 more Civil Servants?" "You asked for them." "You demanded a complete study, facts and figures." "These measures cannot be taken with non people." "You create more jobs." "More people have to be employed." "It's common sense." "If you persist with the Bureaucratic Watchdog Office, there'll be another 400 new jobs there as well." "What are we going to do?" "Well, Minister..." "If we were to end the economy drive and close the Bureaucratic Watchdog Office, we could issue an immediate press announcement that you'd axed 800 jobs." "Now, if you'd care to glance at this draft proposal..." "But nobody's doing those jobs." "Nobody has been recruited yet." "And even greater economy, we've saved 800 redundancy payments as well." "That's foully it's cheated, it's dishonest, it's just... cheating with figures, pulling the wool over people's eyes." "A Government Press release, in fact." "Fine." "What do we actually going to do to slim down the Civil Service?" "Minister, after you get announce at this entirely fresh proposal." ""Proposal for the Reduction of the Number of" "Tea Ladies"."