"Boy:" "I'm going to play with my boats." "Are you all right, Jack?" " Aye... just about." "It's nearly there." "Good." "Bottle, Jack, please." "Thank you." "Got it... and..." "All right." "Good, that should do it." "Ow!" "She didn't like that much, did she?" "You can let go now, thanks." "It's the only way, eh?" "If thou's ever to get in calf." "You're a grand old lass, aren't you?" "Eh?" "That's me girl." "She didn't hurt you, did she?" " Nay..." "It's not her fault." "And I've still got the other one if she had." "We're not done yet, Mr. herriot." "We've still got one or two jobs for you." " Right." "Hello, Mr. herriot." " Hello, Mr. herriot." "Hello, Tony." "Hello, Sheila." "Where're you going, dad?" " What are you going to do?" "Can we come as well?" " Can we come, dad?" "Mr. herriot's only gonna to take a look at bramble." "He won't be wanting you two under his feet." " It's all right." "I bring my kids here often enough." "You're not sending aught to the knacker?" "Naught goes the knacker here." "You know that." "Now go tell your mom to put kettle on." "We won't be long." " All right, dad." "How's he coping?" "He'd be first in a three-legged race, any day of the week." "Isn't that right, lad?" " I'll get him x-rayed in about a week." "It's a clean break." "Should have started knitting together by now." "It's not the first time he's had a belt from t'bull." "Have to learn to keep out of his road, won't thee, old lad?" "Right." "Here she is, Mr. herriot." "Got her at market last week." "Can't see as she'll turn out to be much of a milker, but there was just something about her face as I liked." "I still like 'em with a twinkle in their eye." " Who doesn't?" "You've certainly dropped onto a good heifer here." "I can't see anything wrong with her." "Gordon, vet's here." "Hello, Mr. farnon, come in." "Morning, Mr. farnon." " Cyril." "Good morning, Gordon." "Where are your shorthorns?" "Got shot of 'em." "Got myself friesians now, all t.T." "What about this then?" "New units, pumps, milk cooler." "I could bottle it if I wanted, you know." "What do you think then?" "It must have cost you a pretty packet, all this lot." "£207.10 for the lot." "Not counting cows of course." "And what does cyril shout when he brings them in for milking?" ""Come in number seven"? "Time's up, number three"?" "Got to move with the times, Mr. farnon." "Got to move with the times." " Right, so have I." "Is that my patient up at the gate?" "Hello, darling." " Hello." "Any idea whose this is?" " I saw siegfried parking it earlier on." "He's already got the rover." "It's so unfair." "A second car, and I'm stuck with that." "Come on, darling." "At least you've got a car." "I know, but... two cars?" "Siegfried's impossibly generous about everything else." "I know, he's just got this ridiculous blind spot about cars." "There we are." "Oh, it's only the one quarter affected." "So, you'll have to milk her last, keep everything spotlessly clean, dip the clusters twice a day, otherwise it'll spread." "We do that, Mr. farnon." "They're that clean" "I could put them on baby's bottles." "Glad to hear it." "Come along, girl." "If you don't mind my asking," "Gordon, where did you get them?" "Place near throughten." "Old fella had a stroke." "Couldn't cope." "Went to t'bank and came out 10 minutes later with t'money." "Good lord, you'd better give me the name of your bank manager." "I put the deeds of the farm up, mind." "They don't give aught away, you know." "I don't like it much, but I" " I reckon that's the way it's going to be from now on." "I suppose you're right." "Well, I'll look by again in two or three days." "She should be all right by then." "And I'll get you half a dozen more of these little tubes from the car." "All right?" " Right." "What's this then?" " Two dozen eggs from the boss." "That's really very kind of her." "That's all right." "She's got 200 Rhode island reds out there as are laying like clockwork." " My word." "The future really has come in a big way, hasn't it?" "Well, thank her." "Thank her for me." "We've never met, but I've seen you walking around darrowby on market days." " Aye, you will have." "This is my husband, Ron." "Pleased to meet you, Mr. Buchanan." "Pleased to meet you, Mr. cundall." " Call me Ron." "There's your patient Herman." " Herman?" "We thought Herman were a good name for a German sausage dog." "It's an excellent name." "He looks like a Herman." "Now, let's see." "He looks fine and healthy." "What seems to be the trouble?" "He's fine in himself." "He eats all we put in front of him, but over the last week, he's gone a bit funny on his back legs." "He sort of flopped and he couldn't get up again." "Oh." "His forelegs are strong enough." "It looks like his back." " Aye, that's my trouble." "Has he hurt himself?" "I mean, has somebody hit him?" "Possibly." "Any injury can cause a minor hemorrhage, but there are other causes." "He could have a fractured vertebra, but I don't think so." "What's his prospects, then?" "It's very difficult to say at the moment, but I'll give him an injection, put him on a course of tablets, and then I'll come back and see him in a few days time." "Now... if you'd just like to hold onto him for me," "Mr. cun-- uh, Ron." "Come on, old lad." "It might hurt thee, but it'll make thee better." "Now then, Mr. Buchanan, Ron has a bottle of beer every day around this time." "Would you care to join him?" "Oh, that's very kind." "As long as I'm not intruding." "Nay, thou's not intruding." "We'd love for a bit of company, hadn't we love?" "Aye." " Well, then, thank you." "We come from South Yorkshire." "Uh-huh." " Come here after me accident eight year ago." "Oh, what happened?" " I were a Collier." "I worked down in t'pit for 15 year..." "Till the roof fell in on me." "Broke me back, damaged me kidneys." "Oh, Ron." " Aye, well, two of my mates were killed in that fall, so I reckon I'm lucky to be here at all." "Doctor says I'll never walk no more." "Oh, Mr. cundall, I'm sorry." " I count me blessings." "I've a lot to be thankful for." "I've got the best wife in the world, and I've got old Herman here-- just listen to him, Mr. Buchanan." "We're right glad we came to gilthorpe, though." "We used to come for our holidays in the dales." "We were great walkers." "And it were lovely just to get away from smoke and tips." " It's a lovely place." "It were a grand idea getting little Herman here and all." "I used to get a bit lonely when the missus had to go for her shopping, but..." "This little fella's made all the difference." "Haven't you, ol' love?" "You're never alone when you have a dog." " How right you are." "I used to be a six-pint man when I were out with the lads." "Oh, aye?" " But I think I prefer this one bottle just as much." "Ain't it funny how things turn out?" "You've had to mend your ways all right." "You're a reformed character now." "Cheers." " Both:" "Cheers." "New car, siegfried?" "A little runaround?" "Both actually, James." "She's a beauty, isn't she?" "Oh yes." " Do you know, I really don't understand how you can bear to drive around in an old boneshaker like that." "It's not good for business." "The image of the practice is irretrievably tarnished every time you start that thing up." "Siegfried!" " I'm just explaining the economic facts of life." "I can't count the number of times I've begged you to do something about that car." "Siegfried" " James." "You don't seriously imagine that I would spend an extravagant amount of the practice's money on myself, do you?" "Oh, James, it's for you." "For me?" "Helen!" "Helen!" "Come look at this." "It's for me." " James, it's wonderful." "You are an angel." "James:" "And do you know the best thing of all?" "You can have my old one." " See, James, I tried to tell you." "A new car for you, and a runaround for Helen." "Siegfried, I don't know how to thank you for" " Not another word, James." "It was very, very gen" " I insist." "You've eaten?" " Yes, I'm afraid so." "We had to eat early so I can get there on time." "Get where?" " The drovers arms." "The drovers arms?" " Yes, the drovers arms." "I just felt like an egg-flip with a cherry on top." "Helen" " James, I've told you four times already, it obviously hasn't stuck in your brain box." "Refresh my rheumatic memory." "I am on the organizing committee for this year's show." "Oh God, it hasn't come around again already, has it?" "Yes, already." "Now, the children are in bed." "One story, then light's out." "And there's a lamb stew in the oven." "Bye." " Bye." "Go easy on the egg-flips, darling." "You know what you're like." " What am I like?" "Rosie:" "Daddy, daddy." " Mom says we can have a story." "Better go." "You get into bed and you get a story." "James:" "It's all right, rip." "It is broken, Jack." "How'd he do it?" "A milk lorry ran over him." "He always runs after it every morning." "Just couldn't get out of the road quick enough this time." "It weren't alf's fault." "He couldn't see the beggar." "He dragged hisself in here and Sheila heard him crying." "You won't cut it off, will you, Mr. herriot?" "No, Sheila, I won't cut it off." "But I will have to put a big plaster on it." "Have to take him with me." "Can you come, too?" " I'll come, all right." "Won't I, old man?" "Siegfried:" "Now steady the buffs, James." "X-rays first." "Well, let's hope this has knitted enough for him to walk on." "Oh my God." "Oh, damn." "One of those and just when we didn't want it." "How long ago did he break it?" "Six weeks." "It ought to have formed a healthy callus by now." "Instead of which, it must be moving like a hinge." "Yeah." "That's no good, is it?" "Jack, would you come in now, please?" " Aye." "Right, what's up, Mr. herriot?" "We've seen the x-rays of the foreleg now, and the bone hasn't united at all." "Then we won't be able to take any weight on that leg either?" "I don't see how he possibly can." "Aye, aye..." "Well, we'll just have to see how he goes on then, won't we?" "He can't go on, Jack." "You see, there's no fashion in which a dog can get about with two useless legs on the same side." "Is he suffering?" " No..." "Not really." "He won't be able to walk, don't you see?" "I'll go down to church and I'll say a little prayer for him." "No one's better qualified than you are, Jack." " Plaster him up." "We'll give him a chance." "Ta." " Bye, Jack." "Remember what coleridge said, James?" "No, siegfried, I don't." ""He prayeth best, who loveth best, all things both great and small."" "Siegfried:" "Ace, king, queen, Jack." "Full house." "You can start milking her whenever you like." "Oh, thank God for that." "I was havin' to feed her milk to the calves." "What about the others?" "They're all right, are they?" "Aye." "Fine." "One short are you?" "Number 10... took her out." "Put her on her own, to get her ready for builing." "Whatever for?" " What for?" "These beasts are sensitive animals, Mr. farnon." "I've got something to show thee." "I've never heard such rubbish in my life." "Who told you that?" " Read it somewhere." "What about that then?" "That's very nice, Gordon." "Aye, she's a good sort." "You know, she's the one you ought to be putting in calf." "Nay, not yet." "I'm putting her in the darrowby show." "She'll sweep the board!" "Tell me, why don't you put number 10 in calf by artificial insemination?" "Oh, her?" "Nay, I don't believe in it." "Life's short enough for 'em as it is." "They don't want hands poking up inside 'em." "Tell you what, next time I'm passing, I'll drop in the a.I. Leaflet on you." "No harm in reading about it." "See you then." "What's your verdict then?" "He doesn't seem to have responded to the treatment at all." "If anything, he seems worse." "That's what we think as well." "He could have some kind of bony growth sticking into his spinal canal." "Actually, I think that's what it is." "But the only way we can tell..." "Properly, is to give him an X-ray." "So, I'll take him back to the surgery, if you don't mind." "We'll keep him in overnight and give him a thorough check up." "You'll have him walking again, won't you, Mr. Buchanan?" "I'll do my best." "So what are the symptoms, Jack?" "Bangin' in to the wall, and goin' round and round." "Is she daft, or what?" "There's that wild look about the eyes, isn't there?" "I've seen this before in calves." "It's a thing called listeriosis." ""Circling disease" is the other name for it." "It's a brain disease." "That's why they keep bumping into things." "Must be something in the air here." "Stock goin' off their heads." "That's obviously why nobody wanted her at the auction." "Someone must have spotted it." "Is there aught you can do for her?" "Yeah, I've got something in the car that might help." "Jack:" "Look at these little fellas." "Aren't they grand?" "How's the mother?" " Abandoned them." "Do you want me to" " Nay, nay, Mr. herriot." "There's no need for that." "I'm keeping 'em." "They'll be contented here till I can find good homes for them." "Jack:" "What do you make of that, Mr. herriot?" "He's walking." "How does he do it?" "How the hell does he do that?" "He's doing all right, isn't he?" "It looks like your prayer worked, Jack." "Oh, don't know about that, but, well, I think I might just have grabbed his attention." "I don't understand it at all." "No fracture, and I can't even see any sign of any bony exostoses, can you?" "Well, there is a bit of a..." "Narrow space there." " Mm-hmm." "That could be a disk protruding." "Or not, beats me." "All I do know is that all long-bodied dogs are prone to this sort of paralysis." "It could be anything." "I'd say you had two alternatives..." "It gets better or it doesn't." "There must be something I can give him." "Er... siegfried?" " What?" "What's this duck egg doing here?" "That's no good for dachshunds, that's part of Tristan's collection of useless objects." "It must be exceptionally ripe by now." " Aye." "Oh, there, there now." "Nux vomica?" "Nux vomica." "Somewhat out of the ark, is it not?" "Well, Noah managed all right." "Bloody hell!" "Oh no, have you read this?" "What is it, darling?" "You know very well what it is, darling." ""Dear Mr. herriot, the president and committee of the annual darrowby show cordially invite you to act as judge of the dog section and present the prizes..."" "So?" " You're on the committee." "Why didn't you stop them?" "I hate doing things like this." "I was outvoted." " Supposing Mrs. pumphrey enters tricki-woo?" ""Sorry, Mrs. pumphrey, he's so overfed, you'll have put him in with the pigs."" "Oh, she may not even enter him." "What about all the others?" "We treat half the dogs in north riding." "I cannot judge one dog to be better than the others." "They'd take their business elsewhere." "Talk about conflict of interest." "It's not crufts, you know." " You try telling them." "I haven't finished with that." " Oh... sorry." "Well, what do you think of him now?" "I don't know what to say." "I'm really sorry, Mrs. cundall." " Nay, lad, it's not you." "It's this." "Ron:" "What do you think of that, Mr. Buchanan?" "Do you agree with it?" " I don't like the look of it, but..." "I suppose the owner thought it the only thing to do." "I'll tell you one thing," "I don't want old Herman to finish up like that." "No, sir... it's hopeless, isn't it?" "These cases are always very difficult." "I'm really so sorry." "I'm not blaming you." "You did what you could." "But it were no good, were it?" "What do we do now?" "Put the poor little beggar down?" "Ron, forget about that picture." "Sometimes paralysis cases just recover on their own." "Well, what I mean is, we shouldn't give up." "Not yet." "I believe there's still hope." "I mean..." "Sometimes a bit of good old-fashioned nursing will do the trick." "Now there is just one thing, Mrs. cundall, and that's Herman's natural functions." "You'll have to take him outside into the garden for that." "Now..." "If you press each side of his abdomen gently, you'll encourage him to pass water." "I'm sure you'll soon learn how to do that." "We know all about that, don't we, love?" " We do, that." "Morning, Gordon." "I brought you the a.I. Bumf." "Oh... thanks." "I'm on my way to Jim Turner's." "He's thinking of using a.I., you know?" "Right... well..." "What's the matter?" "What's this, Gordon?" "Getting so much you're having to pour it away?" "Just a gallon as went off, that's all." "Machines let you down, did they?" "Come on, Gordon." "What is it, tell me?" "I might as well shoot meself." "Have a look." "I noticed she were goin' lame." "And when she started slavering'," "I didn't rightly know what to do." "But I do know this, if it's foot-and-mouth, I'm ruined." "I'm bloody ruined." "Why on earth didn't you telephone me the moment you suspected something?" "They don't put pockets in shrouds, Gordon." "Come on, old girl." "Let's have a look at you." "Vesicles." " Is it foot-and-mouth?" "It could well be." "But it's out of my hands now." "What do you mean?" "I'm afraid I shall have to inform the divisional veterinary officer." "He'll come here for a sample and until he knows the results, he'll put a standstill order on this farm and all the farms round about." "You know what that could mean, don't you, Gordon?" "Oh my God." "I'll finish up living in a tent." "I can see it now." "I can see it now as clear as day." "What a pity your clairvoyant powers didn't extend to the materialization of a vet." "I'm right capped with her." "It's stopped her bumping into the wall, but, well, she's not perfect, thou knows, not by a long chalk." "How do you mean?" " I mean there's just a little something." "You keep watching her face." "I can't see anything wrong with her." " Hang on a bit." "She doesn't always do it." " Doesn't always do what?" "No, there's nothing." "Good lord." "Well, did you see it?" "She winked at me." " I reckon you've never seen anything like that before." " You're right, I haven't." "God, it's extraordinary!" "How often does she do that?" "Oh, every now and again." "I suppose it will go away in time, like all other things." "I suppose it will." "It is strange, though, isn't it?" "There's something right cheeky about it." "I get the feeling she's trying to ask me something." "That's it." "That's it, exactly." "It must be the last traces of her condition." "The main thing, Jack, she's a grand heifer." "She is that." "I'm thinking of putting her in for t'darrowby show." "What does thou think?" " I would if I were you." "Do you reckon?" " Mm-hmm." "Come look at kittens, Rosie." " Aren't they lovely, daddy?" "Do you think we could have one?" " I don't know about that." "Come over here." "I have something to show you." "Now you remember dumbo?" " * I've seen an elephant fly. * now if you look very carefully, you can see a cow who can wink her eye." "Rip!" "What a place you've got here, Jack." "Aye, I suppose I have." "Afternoon, Mrs. pumphrey." "Mr. herriot, I was hoping I'd run into you." "Ah, how's tricki?" " Hello, Rosie." "Hello, Mrs. pumphrey." "I understand you're judging at this year's show." " Yes." "Well, I think it's only fair to tell you" "I'm thinking of entering tricki." "Oh, well, the more the merrier." "Of course, I don't expect any favoritism." "Of course." "But as he's clearly such an obvious champion," "I was wondering whether it was really sporting of me to enter him at all." "Mrs. pumphrey, that's an extremely generous gesture." "On the other hand, there's no point in having a competition without some opposition." "No... no, I suppose not." "Daddy!" "Oh sorry, darling." "Must go, Mrs. pumphrey, Rosie needs to..." "Of course, of course." " Right." "Bye, and may the best dog win." "May he indeed." "I didn't really have to go to the toilet, daddy." "Really?" "The d.V.O. Sent unwin's sample to purbright yesterday." "As far as I know, there's no result yet." "How did he send it?" "By carrier pigeon?" "Isn't he there now?" "He's out sticking up restriction notices." "I don't believe it." "They're probably trying to reach him at this moment." "Don't worry, you'll be the first to know as soon as he gets the results." "How's James?" " What?" "James?" "James!" "...has drawn the short straw at this year's show." "If there is a show." " Oh, indeed, if the good lord lets us off with anything less than total catastrophe, he has been appointed to judge the dogs." "Oh my God!" "How did he allow that to happen?" "Dog owners are the worst." "And Mrs. pumphrey's showing tricki." "Well, if I were him I'd catch myself a large dose of sleeping sickness." "Yes, we shall not need a dose of that if the results are positive." "I wonder if there's a test for margarine?" "Probably a chrysanthemum." "Look at them." "You give them a stick and a piece of cotton, a bent pin and imagination does the rest." "Still, without fantasy the whole world would die of boredom, wouldn't it?" "You're not bored, are you, darling?" "How on earth can I be bored with the threat of foot-and-mouth?" "I had hoped this would take your mind off things." "Oh it does..." "For a while." "Hmm?" " Mm... thank you." "Greetings to the castaways!" "Any news?" "No, not yet." "Dropped in for a piece of pie, have you?" "Oh, that would go down very nicely, thanks." "Hello, Helen." " Hello, calum." "Are you checking the flock for wolves?" "No, I'm just looking the grouse over before they finish up in the cooking pot." " Oh..." "Fine flock of birds up here, you know?" "Ah, if only I could speak their language." "And if you were Dr. Doolittle, what would you say to them?" "I'd tell them all to migrate before the glorious 12th." "Where's Deirdre?" "I thought she always came with you on these rambles." "One of the many disadvantages of a desk-bound job, James, regularly ties her down." "Jimmy:" "Dad!" "Dad!" " What?" "Jimmy." "Calum:" "Caught a whale yet?" "I think we're using the wrong bait." "Oh no, you should try using your fingers." "Oh no, not our fingers." "Oh yes, special tickling fingers, that's what you need." "Darrowby 3" "oh good afternoon, missus." "Come in, come in, do come in." "I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. farnon, but will you have a look at Tommy, please?" "He's taken right sickly." "Yes, of course, I will." "Mrs. herron!" "Yes." " Yes, come on into the surgery." "He's done nothing but cough and sneeze for the best part of a week now." "He hasn't eaten a thing." "We'll have a look at him." " I wouldn't have brought him, but there's naught I can do with him." "There we are." "Come on out, pussums." "Come on, old pussums." "There we are." "You settle down there." "'Cause he is very old, isn't he?" "I've had him 14 years, since he were a kitten." "14 years, you know, is a good age for a cat." "Just hold him happily there." "He's the only thing I've got, is old Tommy." "Can't you do aught to buck him up a bit?" "I'm afraid, Mrs. herron, anything I might give him wouldn't do him any good at all." "He's come to the end of the road, you see?" "He were a good cat, were old Tommy." "Why don't you leave him here with me?" "He won't be drowned, will he?" "Of course he won't." "I promise you that." "Then I'll stay with him till he goes." " All right, my dear." "Now, what have we got down here?" "Right." "Now we must all be as quiet as mice." "Not a sound." " All right, calum." "Are you fishing with your fingers?" " Shh!" "A fish!" "He's caught a fish, dad!" " A fish!" "A fish!" "You see, special tickling fingers." "Is it a whale?" " Of course it's not a whale!" "What is it, calum?" " It's a brown trout." "But he's too small to eat." "Will I let him go?" "Can you catch us another one big enough to eat?" "Can you catch us a whale?" "Well, a whale's a pretty tall order, but I'll try." "Thank you, Mr. farnon." "It may sound a hard thing to say at a moment like this, but I believe the best way to get over it is to find yourself a new kitten to tangle your knitting and give you hell." "Aye, I were beginning to think on it meself." "Well, I'll see what I can do for you." "Thank you, bye-bye." "Goodbye, Mrs. herron." "Goodbye!" "Darrowby-385." "Yes, it is." "Ah, thank heaven for that!" "Yes?" "Yes, yes, thank you, goodbye." "Helen:" "Come on, time to go home, you two." "Just a minute, mom." " If you don't come now, you'll have to walk." "James:" "Come on." "Come on, Sonny." "That's a good boy." "He only caught six, dad." "Only six?" "Oh, what a shame." "He didn't catch a whale, daddy." "Well, thank goodness for that." "I didn't know you were a poacher too, calum." "I didn't take 'em by force." "They came out of their own accord, right, kids?" "They jumped right out of the water." "God's honor." "Soon they will jump straight into the frying pan." "Do you want a lift?" "I've got room for all of us." "Thank you very much, James." " Come on." "Jimmy:" "Can you tickle a crocodile, calum?" "Well, I might, but I would make sure I had my gloves on first." "Rosie:" "How about a walrus?" "That might be a bit difficult because of the-- oh no... stop the car, James." "Stop the car." " What?" "What's the matter?" " I've forgotten something." "But we collected everything up." " Hm." "I've... forgotten my motorbike." "Look at this." "Look what calum caught!" "Good lord alive!" "He's in the wrong job." " Helen:" "Come on." "James?" " Yes?" "I just had the telephone call." " Well?" "Negative." " That's fantastic!" "I'm off to give Gordon the good news." " Excellent." "Oh, James." "I've had to put down old Mrs. herron's... cat." "So if you come across a kitten in need of a good home, hang onto it, will you?" "Right, siegfried." "Bye." " Bye." "Well, Mr. farnon?" "It's all over, I suppose." "I'm ruined, am I?" " Gordon, what would you say if I told you..." "Let's put it this way-- you mean it's not foot-and-mouth?" " No." "Beasts haven't to go?" " No." "Oh, Mr. farnon, you're a right Saint, Mr. farnon!" "I don't believe I qualify for canonization, at least not yet." "But there's still the question of this blistered mouth, isn't there?" "Oh aye, there is still that." "Siegfried:" "I want you to think back and tell me exactly when it happened." "Think very carefully." "It was when she went lame." "Lame?" "Which leg?" " This one." "What did you do about this lame leg?" "I were treating it." "Rubbing it like." "What with?" "Mafeking oil!" "You've been treating an animal with mafeking oil?" "Me dad swore by it, he did." "Do you know something, Gordon?" "The Germans only did one good thing in the war-- they bombed the factory that made this." "Dear God, it's almost pure acid!" "This is poison, Gordon!" "She's been licking this stuff off her leg, and she's burned her mouth severely." "I'm very sorry, Mr. farnon." "Gordon, what do you do when your milking machine goes wrong?" "I get a man in to mend it." "And when the clutch goes on your motorcar?" "I phone the garage." "When one of your cows goes lame?" "If you don't feed the cat, Gordon, you'll end up feeding the mice." "James:" "Hello, Jack." " Hello, Mr. herriot." "Mrs. herriot." " Hello, Jack." "Naught amiss, is there?" "No, we found a home for one of the kittens, that's all." "Oh aye?" "Who is it then?" " Old Mrs. herron, malermby cross." "Mr. farnon had to put her tom down this afternoon." "Oh." "Well, I'm right sorry about that." "He was very old, Jack." " Aye, I know." "Hello, Mr. herriot." " Hello, Mr. herriot." "Hello, you two." " Take Mr. herriot into the barn and help him choose a kitten." "Tony:" "Why dad?" " Sheila:" "I thought we were keeping them all." "Look, Mr. herriot knows an old lady that has just lost a cat." "So she needs one of blackie's kittens to keep her company." "Now you wouldn't want her to be lonely, now would you?" " Will she look after it?" "Oh, aye." " Sheila:" "Can Rosie come too?" "Of course she can." "Now go on." "Come on." "Jack:" "Are you going, Jimmy?" " I wish there were more like you, Jack." "Well, we better make sure they pick the right one." "What about this one, dad?" "Aye, nice little tom." "Grow up with a right nice temperament, will that one." "I think that's the one for her." "Have you seen what our bramble can do, Mrs. herriot?" "I don't believe I have." "No, what can bramble do?" "Rosie:" "She can wink her eye, mommy." "Come and look, Mrs. herriot, you'll see." "James:" "Go on, darling." "Jack:" "Look her straight into the eye, Mrs. herriot." "Well, I never did." "You teach her to sing, Jack." "You'll make yourself a fortune." "No, if the good lord wanted me to be rich, he'd have taken care of it a long time ago." "I'm happy with what I've got, Mr. herriot." "I am that." "Tristan?" "Morning." "It's James." "What do you mean "James who"?" "It's me, James!" "Oh, that James." "I'm sorry, I thought you were announcing your surname first, bit of a habit around here." "Good news about the f-and-m, isn't it?" "Absolutely." "Siegfried's blood pressure is back to normal." "I hope you bled him just to make sure." "So what can I do for you, old chap?" "I'm ringing to confer a social honor." "A social honor, eh?" " That's right." "When?" " Saturday." "Saturday... ah, let me see." "I've got a report to write on llama farming in Peru." "What is it exactly?" "Well, it's judging the local dog show." "It's a very prestigious event, not like your family pets." "It'll only take an hour or so." "Judging the dog show, eh?" "An honor indeed." "Let me see." "Ah, here it is." "I knew there was something after the llamas." "It's a firm booking, not even penciled in." "A firm booking for what?" " Tennis, old chap..." "Partnering rachael bosworth." "You know rachael, surely?" "Colonel's daughter." "So sorry, no can do." "Any other day I'd have been absolutely delighted, but, well, let's face it, between rachael and a pack of mutts, there's no contest." " Look, Tristan, it's a really long-standing arrangement." "It's a pity, really." "We could have made a lovely day of it." "Look, James, I'm sorry, I must go." "Work's absolutely piling up here." "Calum:" "Morning, Ron." "How are you?" "I couldn't be better, Mr. Buchanan." "I couldn't be better." "But how's Herman, though?" "Shall we show him, huh, luv?" "Go on then." "Remarkable!" " Isn't it grand?" "Come on." " By heck, it were a worried time, though." "Whew!" " That's the medicine I've been giving him." "It stinks, but it's supposed to be good for dogs." "Oh yes?" " It were a pal of mine bill noakes, he put us on to it." "It's there, look on the sideboard." "There." "He keeps a few whippets, does bill, and he sent it round." "I've been giving it to him three times a day." "He doesn't like it much, but bill's got great faith in it." "He's cured hundreds of dogs with it, he has." "Well, I've never come across this one before." "You don't mind, do you, Mr. Buchanan?" "I mean, it was something for me to do." "Mind?" "Not at all." "It worked, didn't it?" " Aye." "Now I really must be going, Mrs. cundall." "Nay, nay, don't rush off." "Stay and have a beer with me." "Aye, go on." " All right then, thank you." "I don't suppose we'll be seeing you again." "I can always drop in when i5:'M passing, you know?" "As things have turned out so well," "I think we ought to drink a toast, don't you?" "I agree." "Now, let's see..." "I know... to bill noakes." "Both:" "To bill noakes!" "Gordon:" "Mafeking oil." "Bulldoze bloody place to the ground." "Helen:" "James, it's the telephone." "It certainly is." "Darrowby-385." " Man:" "Herriot?" "Speaking." " Now listen carefully, herriot, 'cause I'm only going to say this once." " Who is this, please?" "Never you mind!" "You're judging dogs in the show tomorrow, aren't you?" "Who is this?" " You mark my words, herriot, if that Chinese chop suey dog, that tricki-woo, wins as much as a dog biscuit, you'll be in it right up to your earholes." "I hope you got that, herriot." "Wh-- idiot." "Idiot!" "Now, I won't tell you two again." "One spot on your clothes and you don't go." "That is final." "Why are you leaving so early?" " I have to be there as the organizing committee to see everything's under control." "Besides which, I am running the cake stall." "I have to see the ladies' has been set up, sell raffle tickets, and 101 other things besides." "Come on, we'll be late." " That phone call-- sorry, I haven't got time to talk now." "Bye-bye." "Come on, quick!" "Kids:" "Bye, dad!" " Yes, bye." "All right, go and get shoe Polish, Tony." "What do you want that for?" " The judge is an old army man." "First place he'd look is at their feet." "We can't have her parade with dirty boots." "And Tony, tell your mother to iron me white coat." "Man:" "Mr. herriot?" "Come in." "Know anything about tenesmus, Mr. herriot?" "Tristan, I thought I was in for a prolapse at least." "I don't think you've met rachael bosworth." "James herriot, veternaire extraordinaire." "Pleased to meet you." "I've heard a lot about you." " How do you do?" "I've heard" " Number one uniform today, is it?" "Tristan tells me you're judging the dog show." "That is correct, yes." "I firmly believe from time to time one should do one's duty for the community, not always according to one's wishes, more according to one's ability." "Prior engagement." "Rachael here is winding up for wimbledon, aren't you?" "As a spectator." "I'm not ready for that yet." "Mr. herriot, may I come in?" "Mrs. pumphrey, what brings you here?" "We're leaving, James." " No need to leave on our account." "I'm rather worried about tricki." "He's trembling all over." " Let's have a look at him." "Come on, tricki." " Do you think he could have developed stage-fright?" "Perhaps you could give him a little something to calm his nerves." "Think what the newspapers will say, James." "The only thing the newspapers will say is that tricki won first prize." "Mrs. pumphrey, I have discovered the problem." "It's this ribbon, it's pressing on his trachea, causing slight muscular spasms." "He'll be as right as rain in about 10 minutes." "Mr. herriot, you're an absolute genius." "Oh, my poor boy, mommy almost strangled you, didn't she?" "Will you ever forgive her?" " I'm sure he will." "Tricki will see his clever Uncle herriot at the show." "Bye-bye." " Bye-bye, tricki." "So will chop suey be the dish of the day, Uncle herriot?" "Chop suey, eh?" "No, not the egg, James." "James, not the egg." "Anyone for tennis?" " No, James!" "Jimmy, come on." "Let's go and have some tea." "Thanks, mister." "Announcer on p.A.:" "The results of the best fat lamb contests are as follows:" "Hello, three teas please." " In third place, Mr. John Brinkley, in second place, Mrs. lambert of high top, and in first place," "Mr. Fred appleton of bankside farm." "A big round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, for Mr. Fred appleton." "Morning, herriot." " Morning, brigadier." "Excuse me." "You've got the damn dogs, eh, herriot?" " Yes, afraid so." "I've got best of breeds." "Between you and me, I won't be able to tell the breeds apart." "P.A.:" "Next is the dog show, judged by James herriot." "On parade, herriot." " Yes, of course." "Excuse me, brigadier." " Mr. Edwards, morning." "Hello." "Mrs. pumphrey:" "Tricki, where are you going?" "That's certainly narrowed down the field, hasn't it?" "Right." "Let's get on with it, shall we?" "Hello, little fellow." "Did that nasty big Dane chase my tricki?" "There, there's a first prize for you." "Oh go on, tricki, don't you like it?" "Lovely, good boy." "Mommy's proud of you." "P.A.:" "Supreme champion judging starting in the show ring now." "That's bramble." " That's right." "Which one's that?" " That's Gordon unwin's." "Number 23 and 32." "Man: 23 and 32." "Everybody else, thank you." "Very smart turnout, Mr. Scott." " Thank you, sir." "Fine heifer, Mr. unwin." " Thank you, brigadier." "Reserve champion, Mr. unwin." "Supreme champion, Mr. Scott." "Thank you, sir." "We've won, dad!" "We've won!" "Our bramble's won!" "She's won!"