"♪" "♪ gonna have some kind of dreams ♪" "♪ gonna be a slow poke" "♪ I know living so far away ♪" "♪ I'm leaving the sky today" "♪ ay ay ay ay" "♪ day wah" "Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, jonah ray and kumail nanjiani!" "Hey!" "Thanks so much for coming." "Oh, my god!" "So, this is just a normal show." "Why did they laugh so much at that?" "You're funny." "You sound funny." "He's a funny looking guy." "All right, so we're already at the racism." "What?" "It's just like a regular show, guys." "Jonah gets racist and you guys laugh." "Or kumail thinks everything's racist and you guys laugh." "That's racist!" "( audience laughs )" "No-name beer..." "Unidentifiable no-name beer." "Have you gone to anybody's website?" "I don't go to anybody's website." "I was at yours today for about three hours, buddy." "Rory's, too." "Just kidding." "Oh, you mean my tumblr account?" "Where I just re-blog pictures of bmx bikes?" "You don't have a website?" "No, I was told I needed one." "By who?" "By the future." "So what we decided we're going to talk about..." "When we've been most scared watching a horror movie." "The horror movie you saw that just messed you up, for the rest of your life." "What-- what's yours, jonah?" "Mine is candyman." "Yeah, candyman messed me up." "'cause he's, uh..." "Yeah, mostly because he's black." "I didn't know many at the time." "I'm so scared that he would come and get me..." "Because he got you through the mirror." "You would say his name five times." "So, if you say it five times, he shows up." "Yeah, and then he murders you with his hook hand." "My brother knew I was so scared of it, that if I was in the bathroom..." "He'd run in, yell candyman five times, run out..." "Turn off the light and then hold the door closed." "As I'm going, "no!"" "Why didn't you just turn on the light?" "I don't know, maybe I wanted to die." "Maybe I was a fuck" "Like a 12-year-old with a death wish." "It's way scarier, though, if you turn on the light and he is there." "Yeah." "And you're like, "oh, fuck."" "What if you turned on the light and he was like, "oh, hey, this is embarrassing."" "Todd, did they call you, because they said backstage is boring..." "And we need to turn it up a notch?" "Or what happened?" "You think I knew we were gonna shoot back here?" "How dare you?" "No, seriously, how dare you!" "See?" "This is why" " I wonder why you don't work more." "Wow." "How dare you?" "You got a lot of fucking nerve!" "And I like you..." "But to think that I'm-- yeah, I ran down from my house..." "Because I heard that I'm gonna get some backstage fucking shot of me." "That's how desperate I am for tv." "Fuck you, tom, and I like you." "I swear to god, I did not know they were recording back here." "Todd, you came with make-up." "So, you did it in the car, and you came in." "Yeah, you do look great." "Up next, one of our favorites!" "Kumail (o.S.):" "Please welcome to the stage, tom lennon!" "Jonah (o.S.):" "Tom lennon, everybody." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Whoa, jesus!" "Insurance!" "Insurance!" "I've been doing stand-up comedy for a long time..." "But tonight was the first night ever I said, "you know what?" ""I'm not going to drink, at all, before I go on stage."" "And what happened was... ♪ it didn't work out it didn't work out ♪" "♪ it didn't work out it didn't work out ♪" "♪ it didn't work out" "♪ it didn't work out" "I have a series" " I'm gonna do some jokes in a second." "But kumail and, uh, the white guy..." "Asked me to make a quick announcement before more jokes happen." "Right after the meltdown show, is the official meltdown..." "Suck and fuck in my prius." "My prius is parked directly behind the building." "It has two bumper stickers on it." "The first one says, "don't blame me, I voted for hillary."" "And the other one says, "my other car is a quidditch broom."" "You might have a couple questions..." "About the after-show suck and fuck." "The first one, "is it mandatory?"" "Not at all, no." "Number two, the golden rule at the suck and fuck..." "Treat everybody the way you would treat dame judi dench." "This used to be, "treat everybody..." "The way you wanted to be treated"." "But I feel like people have super, low self-esteem these days." "Hey, todd, we told you you're..." "Not here until next week." "Oh, I know, I'm sorry." "You're not here until next week." "Get out of here!" "No, no, no, no." "I just" " I got-- I thought" "D-don't even film, he's not here until next week." "You're making me feel horrible." ""don't even film"..." "That's very unprofessional." "I swear to god, I'm being serious." "Oh." "Don't adjust the radio." "You should have thought about how much you like ani difranco..." "Before you came to a suck and fuck in a prius." "Rule #6, and this is a giant-- this is a huge umbrella rule." "No grinches." "You're probably wondering, you're saying..." ""hey, tom, why do I have to pay $15 to go..." "To the after-meltdown suck and fuck..." "In your prius?" "And the answer is, because it's a benefit for music education." "♪" "♪" "When I was a little kid..." "My dad and I used to stay up all night watching movies..." "And we" " I watched silence of the lambs." "What?" "How old were you?" "I was like 12." "So, I was watching, it wasn't really making sense to me." "And I asked my dad, I was like, "what's happening?"" "My dad, instead of coming up with something else." "He said, "oh, this guy is kidnapping fat women and starving them..." "So their skin gets loose and then he cuts off their skin and makes a woman suit for himself."" "Jeez." "Can you pass the red vines?" "And I was like, "why is he doing that?"" "And my dad said, and I quote..." ""because he has a screw loose."" "And what does your dad do?" "He's a psychiatrist." "That was his professional diagnosis." "Yeah." "Uh, your honor..." "He is not guilty by reason of looseness of screw." "Oh." "I'm gonna go ahead and use that slide whistle, is that cool?" "( plays slide whistle )" "Adam, that's not necessary." "Come on, I was-- ( plays slide whistle )" "Because I have one." "Don't exhaust yourself, adam." "I've got this." "Jonah (o.S.):" "Adam cayton-holland!" "Hello, everybody." "I don't like when you have a beard and you go in to get a haircut." "Nobody knows what to do with the distribution of hair around the head." "So I always wound up getting these hatchet jobs that I have right now." "I feel like I look like a soldier who is just starting to question the war." "So what were we doing over there in the first place?" "Oil?" "You're being a real asshole." "This is what happens when you do a pun with that." "Ow!" "My father and I, back when I was in college..." "We engaged a really misguided attempt at father-son bonding." "We decided, hey, were both a couple of cool cats..." "We should smoke some weed together." "So we went on a camping trip and went off for a hike." "We came back and made a camp fire and we smoked some weed." "And true story, we got so paranoid..." "We'd left the campsite and stayed in a hotel." "Came back the next morning very silently..." "Shamefully put everything away." "The year after that, though, we came back..." "And we camped with confidence, because we were on cocaine by then." "I was like speed-organizing firewood." "My dad skipped a stone 13 times in a row, I was like..." "Do it again!" "Do it again!" "I love camping, we should always be camping." "How come we're always not camping?" "The year after that, we didn't even make plans to go camping..." "We just ran into each other in the woods." "Stuff will mess up your life, guys." "When I was a little kid, I'd always be like, "hey, dad, I'm bored."" "And he'd go, "you're boring."" "Shut me right up, every single time." "If anybody in this room is a parent, take that little gem..." "Use it with your kid." "Next time they say they're bored, tell them they're boring." "Cue their first existential crisis." ""I am boring." ""how come I'm so boring?" ""I should start a fire." ""nobody will think I'm boring if I start a fire."" "In my first five minutes, I have to say, "yeah, I know, I'm that guy from back to the future..." "And I'll do all the lines from the movie for you, and I'll do the song about it..." "And I'll do this like, "okay, are we over that chunk now?" "Because now, I will do a show." "Right." "My grandmother is not racist..." "But, like all of your grandparents..." "She comes from a more racist time." "So there's sort of a residual racism that remains." "It's like when a fat man spends his entire life sleeping on a mattress." "When he dies, there's still the indentation of that fat man in the mattress." "And you want to throw that mattress away, but you can't throw that mattress away..." "Because that mattress is the south." "Red lobster, richmond, virginia, Sunday, it's packed." "My grandma and I are watching as bus after bus..." "And van after van of post-church goers..." "Are pouring into this red lobster." "And by and large, most of them happen to be black southern baptists." "And all of a sudden, my grandma blurts out, she goes..." ""it must be black week at red lobster."" "I was like, "grandma, what did you just say?"" "And she's like, "it's true, look how many of them there are."" "I was like, "grandma, you can't call them "thems"." "Here's an ipad, distract yourself!" "I don't know, draw pictures, doris!" "But god help her, you guys, she suffers from dementia." "She's actually senile." "So every two minutes, she has this realization again..." "As if for the first time..." "And she just keeps blurting out, "it must be black week at red lobster." ""adam, I think it's probably black week at red lobster."" "I was like, "grandma, shut the fuck up."" "And finally, we got sat, and I asked the hostess..." "I was like, "is it always this crowded at this red lobster?"" "And she was like, "only during black week."" "And I was like, ah." "♪" "Yes." "E.T. The extra-terrestrial." "Yeah." "That's exactly what happened to emily." "She was scared, and so they kept giving her, like, e.T. Toys." "And she says she was terrified of his wrinkly penis body." "Anybody else have a fun" "( amp buzzing )" "( audience laughing )" "How is it working a minute ago, and then not working now?" "( buzzing continues ) oh, I know how to fix the buzzing, hold on." "( buzzing continues )" "( audience laughing )" "( buzzing continues )" "( audience applauds )" "Ooh, bee-hive!" "Could you "bee" any stupider?" "Ooh, that stings." "I'm not gonna a-pollen-gize for his stupid joke." "You shut up!" "That was great!" "You put pollen in the middle of another word!" "I give that joke a..." "C." "( piano plays )" "Yeah!" "La-la-la." "I do a lot of very strenuous exercises..." "Before my sets, always." "So, please, don't use all of this in the show." "Hah-eeh!" "I don't" " I don't-- I just stand around." "Kumail (o.S.):" "We're very excited to welcome to the stage..." "Jonah (o.S.):" "Ladies and gentlemen, tom wilson!" "( piano playing )" "♪ hey what's happening people I just got on the stage ♪" "♪ I'm a major showbiz figure" "♪ and I got an open end song hooray hey ♪" "♪ hello folks here we go" "♪ howdy hey hi there starting' the show ♪" "♪ I've been in movies been on tv ♪" "♪ and that makes me a celebrity ♪" "♪ tom wilson starting' the show he is very important kapow ♪" "♪ excitement popping in the air ♪" "♪ lose your worries forget your cares ♪" "♪ you people in back should have sat up here ♪" "♪ because sometimes I spit when I sing ♪" "♪ you can sell it on the internet uh uh ♪" "♪ the spotlight is my lover I know just what to do ♪" "♪ I'm a guy you've seen on tv and face it ♪" "♪ people on tv are better than you ♪" "♪ people on tv are just better than you ♪" "♪ kumail nanjiani jonah ray ♪" "♪ anderson cooper and me" "♪ I've survived in show biz I paid my dues ♪" "♪ you gotta give me credit you can't refuse ♪" "♪ hey I know a guy who knows a guy who knows tom cruise ♪" "♪ yes I'm that connected" "♪ back to the future freaks and geeks ♪" "♪ I was in that movie called the heat ♪" "♪ my resume is longer than 50 feet ♪" "Longer than anybody else on this show." "♪ you might think I'm self-centered ♪" "♪ you think it's an ego trip" "♪ well I don't care because I'm famous hey ♪" "♪ and that's more important than relationships ♪" "♪ fame is more important than relationships ♪" "♪ tom wilson he's sort of famous ♪" "♪ he has lost all of his friends big whoop ♪" "♪ tonight is going to be the best ♪" "♪ a show biz party a big success ♪" "♪ just lower your standards start expecting less ♪" "♪ let those lowered expectations start with me ♪" "♪ me eeh eeh" "♪ I have asthma yeah" "♪" "Anybody got another scary movie?" "The shining." "Inside the stanley hotel." "That's horrible, that's like on the plane, they're just replaying..." "Alive." "Air force one." "Let's do that again." "That's crazy, that would be like, if on a plane, they're replaying..." "Passenger 57." "Executive decision." "That's crazy, that would be like if on a plane they were playing..." "Cars 2." "I can't-- I can't think of any more." "You can't?" "All right, enough!" "You're all fucking showing off now!" "Everyone is like googling plane movies, like" "Ciri, plane movie!" "Going to airplane mode." "Uh, so but that's like-- the" "No, don't!" "Don't do it!" "Don't!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "It went around the world!" "There's stamps on it from the congo." "You can keep that, kid." "No!" "Everything going all right?" "Yeah, except for the tech thing that just happened..." "Everything went great." "Ah, who needs it?" "Everybody's cool." "Right?" "Everybody's so cool." "Everybody's mellow." "Everybody's so mellow." "You guys work it out." "We are working it out currently." "I moisturized with a coconut lotion." "Do you use coconut oil?" "It's my special lotion." "No, I use whatever is free in the hotel, that I take with." "Got you." "And this particular one I've gotten to, finally..." "It's of coconuts and I enjoy it." "Can I smell your beard?" "Kumail (o.S.):" "Please welcome to the stage, kyle kinane!" "Jonah (o.S.):" "Kyle kinane, everybody." "I recently got warren buffett drunk." "Which is where you get drunk enough that you actually become fiscally responsible." "Where you're just nude in a hotel room..." "Just screaming out at your reflection in a sailboat painting." "Don't even fuck around with those chicken soft tacos..." "When you got your big money tied up in a crunchwrap supreme." "I'm in a very strange place, like I just got my rap game together." "Um, only rap from when I was younger." "So, like, not new rap, but just like cypress hill." "I'll just be in the parking lot of the mall, like..." "They played the bong sounds, 'cause it's hits from the bong." "And there's a bong sound in it, and it's funny." "But then, I'm also old enough where I'll just scratch my ears with my car keys." "Be like, "oh, this is better than sex."" "So, I either look like somebody's awful dork dad..." "Or like a weird assassin." "Just like listen to rap that's just" " I'll be like a pelican case coming out like..." "Have you heard nwa?" "Never listened to it." "That stuff is crazy!" "That stuff is nuts, man." "I know." "Oh, that's him?" "Okay, screw, screw, screw, poof." "God, nobody will remember me." "I look like skate dad." "I'm fine, put that back together." "So boring without me." "I don't think the show has any legs." "I mean, I'll come if I can..." "But sometimes I gotta take road work." "I found the key to happiness, I think is what it is." "You just gotta loosen up your definition of what a miracle can be." "That's all it is." "Everybody's like, what's a miracle?" "Well, probably like a statue that cries." "Stop it." "Turn that way down." "Stop going top shelf with your miracles." "Start going well with those miracles." "All a miracle is, is the world letting you know it can still surprise you." "I experienced a miracle recently." "I burnt my laundry." "And that should have been something that would have pissed me off..." "But I didn't even know that you could do that." "I just sat at the laundry mat with a meteorite of my favorite t-shirts..." "And instead of being frustrated, I chose to have a sense of wonderment about it." "Instead of being angry, I was just looking at everybody else, holding this meteor like..." "Did you know this could even happen?" "I used the same quarters in the same machine as everybody else." "You all got fresh smelling laundry, I created a new element for the universe." "And that was followed by a half hour of me just holding it up..." "Going, "I am the alchemist!"" "Which that put everybody off a little bit..." "But that's all you need to be happy." "Thank you very much." "Cheers to the meltdown." "Thank you." "That's our show!" "That's our show, everybody!" "Thank you so much for coming, guys!" "Thanks for coming and hanging out."