"Checking the road's clear and what's next?" "Is it a signal?" "Signal." "Good lad." "And into our manoeuvre." "Nice and slow." "But not that slow." "Hurry up, will ya?" "Sorry, I'm a learner." "Easing her round to the left." "Can we swop over?" "We'll have none of that." "You must learn the U-turn at some point." "We're keeping calm, feeling confident." "Oi, drive, you dickhead!" "Ignoring that, if you can." "I'm not sure I can." "Come on, kiddo." "I'm telling you you can do this." "Which means one of two things, either you can or I'm a liar." "And am I a liar?" "No." "No, I'm not." "I'm the best in the bizzle." "So, easing around." "OK, yeah." "I'm doing it." "I'm doing it." "Sort it out, you goon!" "No, I can't do it." "I'm sorry." "Swapping over, then." "Out you pop." "Watching out for any pedestrians." "Ow!" "Sorry!" "Sorry." "Really sorry." "I'm a learner." "Albus reckons, at this rate, I can be in the arena in three months." "Are you that bad?" "It's only across town." "No, as a charioteer, obviously." "Marcus, quick question." "What?" "Will you be my best man?" "Sorry?" "Will you be my best man?" "Didn't know you were marrying." "I am." "Didn't know you had a girlfriend." "I have." "I am." "Will you be my best man?" "Who is she?" "Her name's Drusilla." "And why is she marrying you?" "Cos I'm amazing." "Yeah, but seriously, why?" "Cos I've known her for ages." "Then why have we never met her?" "She doesn't go out much." "You keep her locked in a box?" "No, because she has brittle bones." "Brittle bones." "Of course!" "Did you go over your brittle boner?" "No." "So that's what you have in common?" "How brittle is your boner?" "It's not." "Did I snap it off?" "Like a little icicle." "My boner can break a man's arm." "Gosh." "Only in self-defence, I hope." "Absolutely." "He's getting married." "Oh, how charmingly naive." "Thanks." "Marcus will be my best man." "I haven't agreed to it yet." "Oh, why not?" "Yeah, why not?" "Um..." "Because - You think he's an insufferable prick and you want nothing to do with it?" "No, I don't think that." "We're good mates, aren't we?" "Big time." "Please do it, mate." "You're my best man." "Oh, look how desperate he is." "It's making me nauseous." "Y-eee-s?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Get him there!" "Yes..." "Sorry." "Yes." "Salve, Grumio." "All right, landlord?" "Stroking the chickens again?" "Yeah, it's making me well hungry." "Understandably." "What were all that about?" "Oh, we're dealing in seeds." "Selling them." "It's all perfectly legit." "Seeds?" "What for?" "Well, for food." "It's no wonder he's so bloody skinny." "They're more of a delicacy than a slap-up meal." "Who'd want that?" "Well, these... chefs." "Oh, he's a chef, is he?" "That he is." "Davus, see to the chef, would you?" "Oh, chefs." "Yeah, right." "Yeah, it's a real foodie favourite." "A bit gourmet." "Dead tasty, then, is it?" "Oh, it's very moreish." "It's his third lot this week." "I'll give you a sample." "First lot's for free, then I'll rinse ya." "Enjoy." "Gourmet." "Well, la-di-da." "Got to plan the stag, write a bloody speech." "What can I say?" "I've only ever seen him pour water." "Maybe say how little he spills it." "Is that Cynthia?" "Cynthia!" "Hey." "Cynthia?" "Cynthia?" "Oh, hi." "Didn't see you there." "OK." "Think you did, but " "What's with the cat suit?" "Just promoting a piece of theatre where I play the part of a talking cat who serves drinks." "So you're a waitress?" "Yep." "It's a bit embarrassing." "Ah, waitressing's all right." "In my heart, I'm still an actress." ""Kitten Club Casino and Bar Caturday Miaowdness."" "Saturday madness." "A bit ambitious." ""Half-price drinks to get you feline good." Hey, purrfect." "No." "No way." "Bringing pissed-up pricks to Cynthia's workplace will not reflect well on me." "She was looking for punters." "Last time, Aurelius stuck his tongue down her throat." "We're not taking the stag do there." "No way." "Mmm." "This is... weird." "It is, actually." "Why is it weird?" "As you always slag off me food," "I've added gourmet seeds landlord's been flogging to the chefs." "Chefs?" "What chefs?" "Them pale, skinny blokes outside." "What, the drug addicts?" "Have you spiked our dinner with drugs?" "Oh, he said they were chefs." "Sorry." "Don't be." "It's awesome." "No, spit it out." "But I want to eat the drugs." "On a Thursday?" "At home?" "You wanna take loads of drugs?" "It'll screw up your driving." "And shrivel your penis." "Yeah, it was inevitable." "After 15 years of marriage, she now finds me physically repulsive." "Just creeping out." "So, what about the kids?" "Oh, they're troopers, they really are." "Minding the kerb." "They're putting a brave face on it." "Obviously, at some point they'll crack. "Give us back our daddy!"" "They're not saying it yet, but..." "Stuck in the gutter." "Don't worry." "This is the biggest bitch of all." "I'll take the reins." "Just easing around." "Easing around there." "See?" "Easing around." "Yeah!" "On the plus side," "I'm psyched about being single." "I'm like a kid in a sweet shop, me." "You're single, right?" "Always." "Can I have the reins now?" "Me and you should hit the town." "If you reckon you can keep up." "Oh, don't you worry about me, kiddo." "You're looking at a man who whilst on holiday in Crete had sex with identical triplets." "Minding your speed." "It's hard." "I kept forgetting which one I was working on." "Oh, watching out for the pedestrian." "Nevertheless, I brought all three to climax and then I made them a casserole." "So, ooh, hang on, yeah." "Reckon I could keep up." "Now, on your trot." "Staying in your lane." "Yeah?" "I want cocktails, costumes, fun." "I want the whole night to just scream Aurelius." "Yeah, I'm ready to do that now." "Want a club full of hotties." "Yeah, you said that." "All dancing with me." "Harder to arrange, but OK." "Marcus, mate, this has to be the night to end all nights." "So, my bitches, how's the stag coming on?" "My best man's being a bit negative." "I'm just worried about cost, given the small guest list." "Who's coming?" "People have been tricky to pin down." "All his closest friends are serving overseas in the army." "That's true." "They are." "They are." "It's basically us three, paying for everything." "Really?" "No, I'm not paying." "I'm the stag." "The stag doesn't pay." "Of course not." "Maybe ask the other guys from work." "From the main office." "They love me." "They'll be well up for it." "And bring your slave, Goonio." "I know him quite well." "Sort of." "His name's Grumio." "And he doesn't have any money." "So..." "He's good value, though." "What are you doing?" "Is that a trick question?" "Hello there." "All right?" "Hang onto my seeds." "Are they drugs?" "They are, yes." "Keep the safe, OK?" "Where?" "Up the arsehole's quite good." "In me pocket." "Pocket's good too." "Follow me!" "Open the door, now." "So, gentlemen." "Entrez." "OK, go ahead." "Male members of staff are invited to a stag do to celebrate the marriage of Aurelius." "Now, Aurelius..." "Brackets, the one with the jug." "And the weird beard." "Got him." "Uh, bring lots of cash and get ready for the night to end all nights." "Ooh, gosh." "Hey, you should come." "Well, I have my mother staying." "But I could leave her for an hour." "What's planned?" "Still locking that down." "Because, recently, for my maiden aunt's 65th birthday, the whole family did a ghost tour around the historic parts of Rome." "It was both terrifically entertaining and informative." "Ye-ah." "This is more of a megalash nightclub crawl." "But thanks anyway." "Yep, so she got the house, the witch, but I got my freedom." "Both hands on the reins." "And I'm loving it." "I'm sleeping under the stars." "On the streets?" "No, in my chariot." "Which is on the street." "But, no, it's great." "When I was married, I was never allowed out." "Now..." "You're out." "Exactly." "And you get used to washing in the river." "Checking your blind spot." "And hanging out with young guys like you is a real tonic." "So, all in all, I'm having a whale of a time." "I'm going on a stag do tomorrow." "You can probably come." "I love a stag." "I'll have to check." "No, no." "I'm very good on a stag." "You won't regret bringing me along." "So you're up for it?" "I'm up for everything." "You name it, I'll down it, snort it, fuck it." "Staying in your lane." " It won't be anything too fancy." " Hey, staggy, staggy." "Yeah, sort of." "Come on." "Staggy, staggy." " Minding the kerb." " Staggy, staggy, staggy." "Is this it, then?" "No, the guys of work should come." "Who's the middle-aged man with the bag?" "Balbus, my driving instructor." "Driving instructor by day, lash instructor by night and the best in the bizzle at both." "Everyone put one of those on." "What are they?" "They're little dicks." "Dicklets." "Everyone tie one on." "Um..." "Why?" "Because we're the Dickhead Brigade." "Which one's the groom?" "I am." "Stick it in your ear." "Dick in your ear, dick in your ear." "This guy's great." "Is this guy great?" "I'm not sure." "Your missus out on a hen, is she?" "Got a face full of cock?" "She's with her nurse." "She's got brittle bones." "Too much shagging?" "No, it's a congenital condition." "Can she even have sex?" "Yeah, I mean..." "What?" "Probably, yeah." "You've not done it yet?" "She's always with the nurse." "Most marriages end up without sex." "Yours will start that way too." "Sorry I'm late." "Good evening all." "Oh, lovely outfit." "Are there no other office guys?" "Sadly not." "There were several redundancies this week, so no-one's in the mood." "Fucking geeks." "20 into the kitty." "I'm very much ready to eat, drink and be a bit ribald." "Yeah." "Especially eat." "Chuffing starving over 'ere." "No, we're not eating." "Course not." "Eating's cheating." "And expensive." "If we're low on cash, we can go to Cynthia's." "Shut up." "We're not going there." "We just need to be a bit frugal." "Are we downing these, then?" "Sipping's fine." "Down in one." "Hold onto your dicks." "And we're here." "Here?" "What happens here?" "There's a stripper hiding somewhere, I can smell it." "Isn't this Servius Tullius?" "That's right." "Because..." "On this spot, King Servius was murdered by Tarquin." "And they say the wind that whistles through the portico sounds like his dying screams." "What's this you're doing?" "It's a ghost tour." "What?" "!" "A ghost tour." "Oh, great news." "You see?" "I don't want to do a ghost tour." "We should be grinding with hotties." "And stuffing our faces." "Just give it a chance." "Servius Tullius is most famous for his series of tax reforms." "I'll skip this bit." "However, a full three years after Caesar's murder " "This is rubbish!" "Stick with it." "A local reported that, "I was walking past the senate at the dead of night and saw a robed figure covered in blood, wearing a crown of laurels." # You don't know what you're doing #" "You might learn something." "A small suggestion." "When we did this for my maiden aunt's 65th, the guide did lots of voices." "Are we doing something aunts do?" "It's getting good." "We're about to look for blood stains." "They'll have cleared them up." "Shh!" "Everyone look for blood stains." "I'll just have the one." "There aren't any blood stains." "OK, so, carrying on..." "Fuck this, I'm sobering up here." "Yes, agreed." "Let's move on." "It's just... money-wise..." "We could go to the Kitten Club." "Yes, what's that?" "Let's go there." "It's a bar where the waitresses dress as cats." "Yes!" "No." "Let's skin a cat." "We're not going there." "I'm best man, this is my show, we are not going." "Then you're sacked." "Be my best man?" "Sure thing." "Let's go." "Yes!" "Kitty Club, Kitty Club!" "I put a lot of effort into this stag, you know." "I'll just have the two." "Right, let's keep a low profile." "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "OK." "Perfect." "Marcus, you came down." "Yeah." "I wanted to support you." "Pussy time!" "Pussy time!" "Can you stop chanting, please, mate?" "It's a stag do." "He's a bit... much." "Oh, well, thanks for coming." "Maybe take the dildos off?" "Yeah." "Dildos off!" "Dildos off!" "We won't stay long." "Is that your mate I met at New Year?" "Um..." "No, I don't think so." "Let's get some half-price drinks." "Half-price drinks!" "Whoa!" "The old witch never used to let me gamble." "Let's make up for lost time." "Too right, kiddo." "Let's roll." "It is her." "Think she's still up for it?" "What?" "You're getting married." "Yeah, I know." "And I'll never have sex again." "Drusilla's got brittle bones." "You'll make it work." "It'll be fine, won't it?" "Well, I'm no expert." "Maybe you could employ some sort of harness." "See?" "A harness." "My father should have warned me." "Why?" "It was his idea." "He does business with her dad." "It's more tax-efficient if the families are legally joined." "Very shrewd." "And romantic, in a way." "So, cheers to that." "All of it." "Evens." "Hey, whoa!" "Don't do that." "Really?" "Put it on odds." "Odds is better odds, hence the name." "Good call." "Everything on odds." "If I win, pay off me debts, sort me life out." "If I lose..." "Can't lose." "Come on, you odds." "Oh!" "Yeah." "No, wait." "I need that." "No, no." "You can't do this." "My wife's left me, for Jove's sake!" "Steady on." "I didn't mean it." "Just give it back!" "Can you control him, please?" "Sorry." "Oh, you're back, are you?" "Couldn't keep away, is that it?" "Excuse me?" "Aurelius, stop it." "She loves it, mate." "Ah!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Miaow!" "Ah!" "Aaaah!" "Oh, my nose." "Sorry." "You hit me." "I'm really sorry." "I'm the stag." "You can't hit the stag!" "Cynth, I'm really sorry about that." "I've just been fired because of you." "He was trying to grope you." "I loved that job." "It was a stopgap." "In your heart, you're an actress!" "Fuck yourself, Fish Face." "This is your fault." "It was to save us from your tour." "Where is it?" "Well, that's what I call a shit stag." "It ain't over yet, kiddo." "We're making a night of this." "Yes." "Lead us." "I don't think he's in the right frame of mind." "And I'm sacking you, doing nothing while the stag's getting decked." "You." "Balbus." "Will you be my best man?" "Yes." "Finally!" "Yes, I bloody will." "Well, I'd best be off." "Thank you all for a lovely evening." "You're staying." "I've got to tuck my mother in." "And I'll tuck in your mother if you leave now." "You ain't going nowhere." "Soft cock." "You're staying!" "Oi!" "Right." "Fix up and look sharp." "You're following me." "Where to?" "To the wall of glory, the best-kept secret in Rome." "Up you get, Numb Nuts." "Oi, oi." "Yes!" "There are spaces." "Pick your hole, then, gents." "Sorry, what is this place?" "This is the wall of glory." "Just edge forward and park up." "What?" "In the hole?" "Are you serious?" "They're clean girls." "I do it all the time." "They won't bite it off." "I'm really not into this." "What?" "Come on!" "Nah." "Nor me." "I don't put my dick in a wall as a rule." "Staggy, then?" "Oh, I'm not sure." "Once you get hitched this is all the action you'll get." "Well, I am the stag." "That's it, kiddo." "You're in for a treat." "Coins." "Uh..." "Come here." "Yeah." "You put your coin in one slot, you put your boy in the other." "And then you brace yourself." "Ooh!" "Right." "Yes." "Mmm." "No." "Ah..." "No." "Sorry, can I...?" "I don't like it." "I've changed my mind." "No, you don't." "We've paid now." "Be as quick as you can, please." "Salve, Grumio." "All right, landlord?" "Yeah, I am, actually." "Finally got rid of the rozzers." "Still got my package, I see." "I'll have that back now." "Been helping yourself, then?" "You've got a beak." "I'll take that as a yes." "Centurion!" "Oi!" "Shit sticks!" "Get that into your arsehole." "Pocket!" "Pocket." "We should go." "Oh, God." "Wait." "That can't be it." "Where are the girls?" "There are hot girls behind there." "Yeah." "I don't think there are." "Argh!" "Stop where you are!" "Argh!" "Shoo!" "Argh!" "Oh." "Oh." "I feel sick." "Where's Balbus?" "I thought he was with us." "Balbus!" "I'm going to do it!" "Oh!" "What are you doing now?" "I'm gonna bloody jump." "Whoa!" "Don't jump." "I've got nothing left, kiddo." "The witch has taken everything, my money, my kids, my house." "And it turns out I've spent most Friday nights getting sucked off by old men!" "You can't pin that on her." "I'm gonna do it." "Wait!" "You can't!" "Give me one good reason not to." "You haven't taught me how to reverse yet." "You don't need me." "No-one does!" "Hey!" "That's not true." "You're the best in the bizzle." "Learner drivers everywhere need you." "And you're great on a stag." "Isn't he, Marcus?" "You?" "Yes." "You're a bloody legend." "I mean, that can't be all there is, though." "I need more than that." "I'll give you a big bag of drugs." "OK, I'm coming down." "Right." "Good." "Let's get him home before the wedding." "No, it's off." "I'm not getting married." "What?" "Not if that's the result." "It doesn't always do this." "This is quite a special case." "I'll tell Dad in the morning." "I don't love her." "I don't want to have sex in a harness." "All this for nothing?" "Pretty good stag, all told." "The wedding's been cancelled and someone tried to kill himself." "I kept having fucked up visions of chickens everywhere and people getting noshed off by old men." "Unfortunately, most of that happened." "Shit." "Dead end." "So, do a U-ie." "I've never managed one before." "All right." "Let's do this." "Tsk, tsk."