"# Serve it up Love potion number nine. #" "MAN:" "All I know is this isn't my fault." "WOMAN:" "You're blaming me because you're angry?" "I'm not angry." "Yes, you are. I'm not." "You are!" "Well, I am now because you're accusing me of being angry when I'm not." "So it's my fault?" "It's your fault I've got two days to save a marriage and only me and Puck to do it." "And me." "Yes, and you are such a great help!" "Fine. lf I'm no use, do it all yourself." "I didn't mean that." "Pity." "Because I did." "Two lessons in life, mate." "Two gold nuggets from the Bank of Puck." "One." "Never leave home without your love-juice." "Two." "Things aren't always what they appear to be." "The eyes are the window to the soul." "But now and again we all need a good window cleaner." "Hold still." "Don't want to have your eye out." "All I know is this isn't my fault." "So you're blaming me because you're angry?" "Oberon and Titania." "King and Queen of the Fairies." "Dance." "Ritual." "Magic." "Nature." "Danger." "A right old cosmic harmony vibe going on." "And me." "Yes." "Yes." "And you are such a great help!" "Fine." "If I'm no use, do it all yourself." "I didn't mean that." "Pity, because I did." "I told you things can look a bit different, didn't I?" "This is the gig." "We bring couples here in times of need." "We look after them when they've run into trouble, love-wise." "Help them see each other again." "Put them back on the right track." "We're kind of like a spiritual Relate." "We blessed this couple's wedding 26 years ago." "And we've brought them here to DreamPark to celebrate their daughter's engagement." "James will be driving." "He won't be able to text." "Yeah, yeah." "That'll be it." "Hello there." "Welcome to DreamPark." "Do you have your booking slips, sir?" "Yes, indeed." "Oh, yes, the Premium Villa." "Very nice." "It's a very special occasion, my daughter's getting engaged." "Oh, lovely!" "That's two villas in Foxglove and one in Bluebell." "No, no, sorry, that's not right." "Leave this to me." "I think you'll find everything's in order..." "I'd like to check, please." "Hey!" "You!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Come in!" "Over!" "Foxtrot?" "Tango?" "Hokey-pokey?" "Foxglove." "Foxglove." "Bluebell." "I'm no Alan Titchmarsh but it seems to me you've got your flowers mixed up!" "You booked in the same area?" "No." "I thought it'd be fun standing here arguing with you!" "Yes." "Three villas." "Same area." "Did you confirm by telephone?" "It's my daughter's engagement party." "I left nothing to chance." "Perhaps your accent confused the operator." "As you can see, Bluebell is very close to Foxglove." "It's clearly at least a mile!" "I find with a larger party a little privacy is no bad thing." "Listen, pal." "I tell you what I'll do." "Have another of our complimentary packs just to help soften the disappointment." "Not that you should feel any disappointment or that DreamPark is in any way in a position to admit any liability." "DreamPark?" "More like Nightmare Park!" "I'm the official welcome party and I think I should give Theo a welcome that he'll never forget." "It's the least I can do." "My daughter and James have known each other all their life, which, as they say, is a lifetime." "And today on this very special occasion we look forward to welcoming him once again..." "Dad?" "Yes, what is it?" "is this not a good time?" "No." "No. lt's fine!" "It's fine!" "Hey." "Come on, what's the problem?" "Well, I don't really know how to put this but..." "Are you OK?" "Yeah, of course I am." "The occasion's getting to me because I want everything to be just right, for you and for James." "Everything just perfect." "When you married Mum..." "Did you know?" "." "In your heart?" "Did you know that she was...?" "(Clears throat)" "Well, did you know that...?" "What?" "Dad?" "Sorry." "You were saying something about Mum." "I know this is a bit late but..." "Well, I sometimes look at James and..." "And I look at James and... and I think that..." "Dad?" "Are you even listening?" "Sorry, just feeling a little bit tense just now." "Maybe later, hey, darling?" "Yeah." "Sure." "Thanks." "Get a grip." "Get a grip." "Well, that seemed to go all right, didn't it?" "I'd know him anywhere." "Jeans, white trainers, climbed up the fence like it wasn't even there." "You are sure it was a man and not a...big cat or something?" "No way." "No." "I could tell he wasn't a cat because of the rucksack." "That's usually a clincher." "My lovely husband Theo is now going to say a few words!" "A few?" "." "That'll be a first!" "Oh, Geoff." "Well, thank you, Polly." "Our Hermia and this fine young fellow, James Demetrius, have known each other quite a while." "Well, all their lives as a matter of fact." "And when they used to share a bath together..." "What do you mean?" "Used to?" "We would joke that one day... ..that one day they'd get married." "And watching them grow up together and Helena too... I've always said that Hermia isn't an only child, because Helena has always been like a sister to her, the best sister that a girl could ever want!" "I'm never going to get this right for tomorrow, am I?" "You have to." "If we get it right for the engagement party," "I reckon the big-wigs are looking to make us full-time entertainers." "Not paying us any more though, are they?" "Not yet, maybe." "That's him." "That's him!" "Yes!" "Oi!" "Hey, you!" "We're onto you!" "Come on, son!" "The fun's over!" "You don't want us letting the dogs out!" "Should we call for back-up?" "We are the back-up!" "Back in the forest?" "There's no point." "He knows we're on to him." "He'll be halfway home by now." "Come on, I've got to talk to Quince about the running order." "As long as I'm not first up." "And if I could choose a man, if I was going to choose a man to marry my daughter, then it would be the one that she's chosen." "James Demetrius!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "What the hell..." "Don't do this!" "Stop this now!" "I'm begging you!" "Just don't!" "Please!" "Call Security, Polly!" "I love you!" "He's with me." "What?" "!" "He's with me." "I mean, who is he?" "What is he?" "Me and Zander... ..love each other very much." "Don't be stupid." "You cannot... I'm sorry, but it's true. lf there'd been any other way of doing it..." "Oh, let me think!" "What about standing on the table and urinating in the drinks?" "!" "Dad!" "Please!" "What is going on here?" "She can't just change her mind like that!" "I tried to tell you, and you wouldn't listen!" "Do you work with Hermia, Zander?" "is that how you met?" "No, I don't work at the moment. I've not found out what I want to do." "Oh, let me just lie down and die right here." "Hermia?" "James." "I'm really sorry." "I should've told you sooner." "You can't love somebody just like that. I've known you all my life!" "I've missed her all my life. ls he on drugs?" "He's talking scribble!" "Just calm down, Theo." "I love her." "Anybody can say that!" "But you never did." "That is not true!" "I was always telling you!" "I used to say, "I love you"." "And you used to say, "Me too"." "Hermia." "I just wanted to do something very special just for you and James." "That's all!" "Why do you want to ruin everything like this?" "I just want you to be happy for me." "You're about to make the biggest mistake of your life!" "How can I be happy?" "Please, Dad." "I would have told you sooner but I couldn't bear the thought of hurting you!" "You want to kill me instead?" "If I don't marry James, you'll die?" "You'll break my heart, I might as well be dead!" "Just let them go, Theo." "Let them go." "You can't bully her into loving James." "Nobody leaves!" "Nobody goes anywhere!" "There will be an engagement party tomorrow and we will be toasting the happy couple!" "Theo, you heard her." "They've split up." "James Demetrius and Hermia Moon will be getting engaged tomorrow at noon." "So in the meantime, please enjoy the holiday experience of a lifetime as per timetable." "Oh, don't." "One minute you're... or you think you're... and the next it's not been understood." "She is the one thing that I want." "She is it." "She's just..." "So whatever you had to say, it's not going to help." "Snug." "Between courses you give them card tricks and conjuring appropriate to the genteel surroundings." "David Blaine says to do magic, you make your mind go completely blank." "It's an engagement party so I'll open proceedings with Theme From The Deer Hunter, congratulations to the celebrants and then the highlight." "I'll storm it!" "I'm talking about the juggling." "I've mastered the diabolos and the three club chase." "It's a running buffet." "So unicycles are persona non grata." "Understood." "Now, Bottom, you come on after they've had a few drinks." "Just the clever gags." "No smut." "Family crowd." "Then Flute here rounds it all off accompanied by yours truly on my brand-new replica Les Paul." "You come into money?" "I thought I'd make the extra effort." "If The Rude Mechanicals are going to impress." "I'll see you at rehearsals." "And get there on time." "Yeah, yeah. I'm on the graveyard shift tonight." "Sure." "See you later." "Excuse me, do you want to get off those railings?" "This running order." "There will be room for my impressions, won't there?" "I've been entrusted to put together an evening of contemporary entertainment." "Contemporary?" "I do a David Brent now that has people roaring." "With all due respect, your impressions do not always measure up to DreamPark's exacting standards." "I'll see you at rehearsals." "When you see my Little Britain you'll be begging for more!" "The thing that Quince doesn't understand is that when I played the Alhambra, Bradford, I stormed it." "I tell you, they went to see Bernie and Schnorbitz but they came away talking about me!" "Who are Bernie and Schnorbitz?" "Not there!" "Best make a move, I suppose." "Hermia, I really don't think we should hang around." "Did you bring an extra towel?" "Hey, come on." "It's over now. lt's behind you." "You've got through the hardest bit." "You'd better be worth it, buster." "You are... ..so...so... lf you knew how much I wanted you." "Remember me?" "loyal friend, all-round gooseberry and voice of reason?" "Hi, Helen." "Helena!" "How well do you even know him?" "How come you've never mentioned him to me before?" "I knew you'd stick up for James." "I know how fond you are of him." "Fonder than you by the looks of things." "I'm not doing this to hurt James." "I'm doing it because I've found the person I really, really love." "Hermia." "Come on!" "You think I'm making a mistake with Zander, don't you?" "No." "I think you're making a terrible mistake." "When you find someone you love as much as I love him, then you'll understand." "At least go and talk to your dad before you go." "No!" "You heard him." "I've broken his heart. ln other words, you can't face him." "He thought James and I were perfect." "He thinks we are perfect." "But you wouldn't have gone through with the engagement, would you?" "We have to go." "Where are you going to go at this time?" "Zander's found an empty villa." "He's going to break in!" "Oh, very mature." "I love her." "So you keep saying." "Just be happy for us, Helena." "You're not going anywhere." "You'll do something you'll regret." "The girl clearly needs time." "Time to run off who knows where with a 'Big Issue' seller." "He's not a tramp." "He's just unemployed." "You say that like I should be reassured!" "She doesn't even know him!" "She's changed her mind." "Charging after her like a raging bull is not going to help her change it back." "Who is this Zander bloke anyway?" "It's as if he's brainwashed her!" "Maybe she just feels confused." "Pressured." "Maybe the man she thought she loved doesn't make her heart sing anymore." "It does happen." "Yes, well, last time I looked the heart was an internal organ." "The chances of it singing seem remote at best." "When you've finished mouthing off this new age drivel perhaps you could address yourself to the issues in hand." "She didn't feel she could come to us and talk about it." "Don't you think that's what we should be worried about?" "I suppose." "She's a headstrong girl, that's for certain." "And we both know where she gets that from." "Have you got any idea what's going on out there?" "It's falling apart!" "Theo and Polly need us!" "And I'm sure that you and that ruffian Puck are coping." "He seemed very eager to impress you." "And what about you?" "I'll be very active just as soon as I hear your apology." "Apology?" "Apology!" "I am the King!" "So start acting like one." "I am." "And I command you to get your act together and help me save Polly and Theo!" "You don't command me." "Nobody commands me." "I think you'll find that the King can, and that happens to be me." "So I command you to get your finger out!" "And why should I obey?" "Why?" "!" "It is tradition!" "Oh, yes, tradition." "The place we like to hide when we have lost the argument." "iii met by moonlight, Titania." "I am King of the Fairies." "Of course you are." "Anybody can see that." "That's right." "Your regal bearing." "Your authority." "Your eloquence." "Well, it's in the blood, that's true." "You don't need courtiers or servants or staff to tell the world you're a King." "You...just need to make an entrance and everyone feels inclined to bow." "Agreed?" "Agreed." "You don't need anyone." "That's right." "So you don't need me." "I would stop this, if I were you, Titania." "Or I will make you regret it!" "I'm getting bored." "So what are we going to do now?" "." "Cancel?" "No." "No. lt'll be fine." "You're joking, aren't you?" "Every time you two meet, you frighten the pixies!" "How can you help anyone?" "You just keep an eye on the mortals." "I'm going to find a way to teach my Queen a lesson!" "My advice to these two is move away from the forest." "Make a clean start." "Because there's something about this place that does your head in." "It's, like, all this nature, it's..." "Well, it's unnatural." "Isn't it?" "A double whisky." "No extras." "There you go, sir." "Pour it like you mean it." "Do I...?" "I know you from somewhere, don't I?" "Stockport Registry Office. 1 979." "I was at your wedding." "Really?" "You don't remember?" "Were you a friend of Polly's family?" "Not a guest in the traditional sense." "But remember, you were having one or two last-minute doubts so I talked to you about love." "Right." "What are you doing here?" "You don't know?" "." "Hasn't Puck been to see you?" "The weird, scruffy looking guy?" "practical joker fella, yeah." "I thought I was seeing things again." "No, he's as real as I am." "And that's what I'm driving at." "I didn't think you were real." "I mean, no disrespect but I was pretty off my head at the wedding." "Yeah, well, no, we were really there." "Blessing your nuptials." "And we brought you here too." "See, it's an obligation, Theo, a duty." "Spread peace and love." "And happiness." "So it's come to this." "The only man who'll drink with me is a hallucination!" "I am not an hallucination." "OK, OK." "You're my fairy godmother." "You know, I could really mess with your head, so less of the godmother." "All right?" "But you're a fairy, right?" "Oh, I'm King of the Fairies, Theo." "OK." "So where are all the other fairies?" "You should ask my lovely Queen about that." "Don't tell me the King of the Fairies has marital difficulties?" "Why do you think the weather's so weird nowadays?" "You think it's global warming?" "No chance. lt's me and Titania." "Really?" "Yeah." "Nature's got a way of biting back, you know what I mean?" "No, not really." "Nature has a way of..." "She has a way of teaching us lessons." "Of course she has!" "I've got it." "I know how to sort out Titania." "Something tells me it's not counselling." "I'm going to need you to get me some love juice." "Top plan." "How much are we talking?" "That way whatever Titania looks at when she wakes up, she'll be in love with." "And that's you, right?" "You remember that stuff I used the night I heard the mermaids sing?" "Those mermaids!" "We had a wobble on that night!" "In maiden meditation, fancy-free yet marked where the bolt of Cupid fell." "I can sort you for love-juice, no danger." "It fell upon a little western flower, before milk-white, now purple with love's wounds." "And maidens called it Love ln ldleness." "Do you want the bleeding love-juice or what?" "James!" "Please!" "Why don't you stay and try and make a weekend of it?" "My fiancee has just walked out on me and you think I can get over it with a swim and a game of ping-pong?" "Not suggesting you'd get over it, just..." "I'd like you to stay." "Why would anyone want to spend the weekend with dull, dumped James?" "You're not dull." "Well, who's she going to choose?" "Plain James or the glamorous smoothie who can do the love talk?" "Hey, words aren't everything." "Yes, they are." "And I should have said them when I had the chance." "What sort of things?" "That I need her." "That I can't live without her." "That would have been nice." "What's the point?" "I can't turn the clock back." "It's not over yet." "Well, that's just it." "It's very much over." "What if I told you that... ..I might be able to find her and that you could say those things?" "# Tender is the night Lying by your side" "# Tender is the touch of someone that you love too much" "# Tender is the day... # lt's not much further, OK?" "Yeah." "# Lord, I need to find someone who can heal my mind" "# Come on, come on, come on Get through it" "# Come on, come on, come on" "# Love's the greatest thing that we have" "# I'm waiting for that feeling to come. #" "I couldn't find her anywhere!" "Completely disappeared!" "Nice to see you took my words of wisdom to heart." "Have you just been sitting here all this time?" "She could be miles away by now!" "If she's got any sense she will be." "Well, she can pay the full balance on her villa." "That way she might learn that being a grown-up doesn't come cheap." "There are more important things than money." "Oh, yeah?" "Let's see how easy it is for you to set up your flotation studio without James's help." "I can't make Hermia get married to a man she doesn't love just so I can have a sympathetic investor." "I'll just have to find another way. "l'll just have to find another way"!" ""Build it and they will come"." "Good job one of us can deal with life's harsh realities." "That's you, is it?" "There are people who make things happen and there are people who let things happen to them." "And there are people who shout and get nowhere." "I told you not to go after her!" "How does she know we care, eh?" "If we don't go after her?" "They're probably hiding in a villa and laughing at me." "Don't talk like that." "Nobody's laughing at you." "Oh, aren't they?" "You might not say much, but I'll bet you're a very deep thinker." "Well, that's right!" "I've often worked out who did it in A Touch of Frost long before del Boy!" "And you can be funny!" "Well, you're the only one who seems to share my sense of humour." "Well, sometimes I think people find you a bit... ..hard to approach." "You just need to relax a bit." "I can't." "Well, you relax with me." "That's different." "You make it easy." "You're a lot of fun to be around, James." "Don't let anybody tell you different." "Why can't Hermia see any of this?" "Perhaps she just doesn't know where to look." "If Dad could see me now he'd..." "He'd what?" "His bark's worse than his bite, right?" "I don't know." "I've never seen him this angry before." "He wouldn't really come after us, would he?" "I wouldn't put it past him." "What was that?" "What?" "There was a sound outside." "Like a twig breaking." "Maybe it was a twig breaking." "I'll always remember this." "This will always be our sky, our night, our stars." "Can I ask you something?" "Of course." "Did you know about Hermia and Zander before tonight?" "No." "I promise I didn't." "If I'd known I'd have told you straight away." "Would you?" "Of course." "I'd never want to see you hurt." "I care about you." "Well, yeah, of course, and I care about you." "Oh!" "Oh, no." "You OK?" "Yeah." "I think so." "Let me take a look. I'm fine." "Well, there's nothing broken, I don't think." "I'm just clumsy." "What are we doing?" "I don't know, maybe we just got carried away." "Yeah, yeah." "That must be it." "Crossed wires, mixed signals, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "You didn't trip on purpose, did you?" "No." "Of course not." "You don't want me to get back with her, do you?" "I want you to be happy!" "I bet you don't even know where she is." "I bet you just tricked me so you could throw yourself at me." "No!" "That isn't true!" "I'm here because I couldn't stand to see you so hurt!" "Now let's forget what happened and just try and find Hermia, shall we?" "I'm not falling for that trick again!" "Don't you come anywhere near me." "I feel sick just to look at you." "Right." "Trick you." "Yeah." "Has this man got love-juice or has this man got love-juice?" "Take some of this." "This young woman here is in love with a young wet who doesn't want to know." "Yeah." "Odds and Evens, been there myself." "Fairies all over me." "I'm, like, you know, girls!" "One at a time!" "Drip some of this in the young man's eyes." "Let's make love our mission, eh?" "Puck." "What's the plan?" "Young wet." "Love juice." "Eyes." "Three steps to heaven." "Wet bloke alert." "Clothes drying, him still a bit damp round the edges." "Result." "It doesn't look like he hates her but then he is a bloke, she is needy and a jump's a jump, I suppose." "What you see when you wake, you will for your true love take." "Splish, splash, splosh." "Whoops!" "Get out of that!" "James, I've found them!" "I told you I wasn't tricking you, James!" "Hey." "Come on, babe." "Don't cry." "Why would someone as beautiful as you cry about James?" "I love him." "No." "You just think you love him." "What's the difference?" "This." "What are you doing?" "Just get off!" "I can't believe I didn't see it before." "I knew you couldn't be trusted." "How can I look at Hermia when I could be looking at you?" "Loving you?" "Why should I settle for second best?" "You have got some serious commitment issues." "Get some help." "But this is our sky!" "This is our night!" "These are our stars!" "You need a lesson, my Queen." "You think you've got power over me." "But I'm going to show you power." "You think I'm too proud?" "I will show you pride." "When you wake up, you will fall in love with the first thing you see." "I will make you feel so small that you won't ever dare to cross me again." "# He was beautiful" "# beautiful to my eyes" "# From the moment I saw him" "# The sun filled the skies. #" "You went a bit wrong there, love." "Make sure you tighten up on the night." "A man walked into a pub with a roll of green tarmac on his head." "The barman goes, "Don't talk to him, he's a cycle path."" "I don't get it." "What about the clever stuff?" "This is the clever stuff!" "In Wythenshawe, maybe." "Was this your card?" "No." "No, you're supposed to say yes." "But that wasn't my card." "You could be a bit more encouraging." "You've got the patter just right." "Excuse me, sir." "Could I possibly relieve you of your watch?" "Hey, up." "That's three!" "Count them, ladies and gentlemen!" "That is more like it." "Now we're talking a top hole entertainment package as befitting the number one short-break destination of the discerning family." "Now we're talking management calling and saying," ""Why don't The Rude Mechanicals perform the entertainment" ""on a regular basis?"" "It'll be my comeback!" "My agent'll be kicking himself!" "I said no impressions." "You'll love this." "I'm the only gay in the village." "What?" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Ta-da!" "That was a brand new watch!" "Didn't look cheap either." "Come on, what about it?" "Oh, give us a minute." "I know this one." "Oh, what are you doing?" "Are you getting the message here?" "What you seem to forget is I've done this for a living." "I know what plays to a live audience!" "If you know what plays, why are you a security guard?" "Wait." "Watch this one." "That was a bit harsh." "cruel to be kind." "My name is michael Caine." "My name is michael Caine." "Watch this!" "It'll be top." "My name is michael Caine." "My name is michael Caine." "My name is michael Caine." "My name is michael Caine." "My name is michael Caine." "My name is michael Caine." "That was really good, mate." "That was really good, mate." "You've not come to audition, have you?" "Only we've got all the impressionists we need." "I said you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!" "Hell on earth!" "What have you done to yourself?" "Told you it was good, didn't I?" "Can you see a difference?" "Yes, but it's not funny, it's just sick!" "Change back, it's freaking me out!" "It's supposed to be an engagement party, not the Edinburgh pigging Festival!" "That man shouldn't be allowed out at night." "It...it's only a guess." "But is it Ruud Van Nistelrooy?" "What's the matter with you lot?" "Come back and stop mucking about!" "I'm not going after you!" "I can entertain myself." "They'll be back." "# Strangers in the night" "# Exchanging glances Wondering in the night" "# What were the chances we'd be sharing love" "# Before the night was through... #" "We both like walking." "We both like reading." "Believe me." "I'd prefer illiterate but sincere." "All I'm asking for is a chance." "You turned my best friend's life upside down!" "She fell out with her dad for you." "She broke James's heart!" "Do you believe in fate?" "I believe in my judgment." "And I never liked the look of you from the start." "See?" "That's what I love about you." "I'd rather be slagged off by you than adored by Hermia!" "Oh, you came back." "Oh, thank God!" "Stay away from me!" "What?" "What have you done with him?" "What have you done to Zander?" "!" "Come on, calm down." "You're hysterical." "Ow!" "What did you do that for?" "# lt turned out so right" "# For strangers in the night. #" "What nightingale's song woke me?" "It was just me." "My God." "Tell me I'm not dreaming." "You talking to me, love?" "Don't tell me with a body like yours you aren't used to female attention?" "Well, I've had my moments." "You don't play second headline at the Poco a Poco Club without attracting your fair share of fanny." "And when you speak, it's like poetry." "That's what I've been trying to say to Quince." "Gift of the gab." "What's your name?" "Bottom." "But you can call me Bootie." "You like that one?" "I've got hundreds where that came from." "What do they call you?" "Titania. I'm not surprised!" "I love a rough man." "They don't come much rougher." "Ohhh!" "You're my ideal audience." "What you doing hanging round here, then?" "I live here." "I'm Queen of the Fairies." "Oh, yeah." "And I bet you've got gorgeous handmaidens, haven't you?" "If that's what would please you." "It's bang on, is... ..that." "Wait on him!" "Lead him to my love palace!" "It's not nylon sheets, is it?" "Because I get this rash." "You're not doing this for some kind of bet, are you?" "Because I fell for this once before on my stag night." "Of course I'm not married anymore." "She ran off with the bookie." "Love of my life." "The bookie, not my wife." "I like things to get out of hand." "You know, "I will lead you up and down", that's like my theme tune." "But, uh..." "This is all turning into a bit of a head-squeeze." "I've got a feeling when I tell Oberon what's happened, it'll be me getting my head squeezed." "Has Titania woken up?" "Oh, yes." "And?" "A bit of an animal vibe going on." "What has she fallen in love with?" "Well, this donkey man comedian type thing." "Good." "Slut!" "The more humiliated, the better." "Too right." "That's what I thought." "When he finally had the chance of having you to himself he ran away." "He would never leave me!" "It's me that'll never leave you." "If you have any feelings for me at all then you'll tell me what you've done to him!" "I wish I had hurt him." "I really do." "But I haven't." "I didn't." "Will you help me to find him, then?" "Just let him go." "We're better off without him!" "There is no we!" "Welcome to the Globe Diner, sir." "Did you drug this man?" "No." "I drugged the young wet bloke." "Like you said." "This is the wet bloke I was talking about!" "is it?" "But he's dry as a bone." "That's not the kind of wet I meant!" "is Puck short for Puck-up?" "This man is still in love with the wrong woman!" "All right, all right." "Mistake, you know." "No need to..." "You give me some more love-juice, or I will give you a midsummer night's dream where the moon doesn't shine." "I'll handle him." "You get the girl, get the boy, and get it sorted." "Now!" "Now this will help you see..." "..who your true love really is." "# lt's just a ride, it's just a ride No need to run, no need to hide # lt'll take you round and round" "# Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down # lt's just a ride, it's just a ride...#" "No-one gets hurt, Puck." "# lt may feel so real inside But don't forget it's just a ride. #" "The thing about the old love-juice, it's a ride, man." "It's a regular rollercoaster." "It all makes sense." "Don't you see?" "It's perfect." "I don't know what you're getting out of this but I'd like it to stop, right now." "James loves her and doesn't love you." "Zander!" "What are you doing here?" "Where did you go?" "Why did you leave me alone?" "I had better things to do." "What?" "So you're in on it too?" "What's going on?" "Oh, very good, Hermia." "What is it about you that always needs an audience?" "What gives you the right to treat me like this?" "Will somebody please tell me what's going on?" "I love Helena." "And she loves me!" "Don't be ridiculous." "Helena?" "I don't love Zander." "You know I don't." "That's right." "Because she loves me." "She always has." "Haven't you?" "And I've always known it, sort of, somehow, and now I see it." "Oh, I see it." "Hands off." "Go back to Hermia!" "Zander!" "It's you that I want." "Are you following this?" "I feel like I'm wrestling a sackful of monkeys here." "When did this remarkable change of heart come about?" "I think I first realised it at the youth club." "That time we kissed." "That was 1 2 years ago!" "Why are you dragging that up?" "It was before Hermia." "But part of me knew even then." "But it's taken till now for me to see what my heart has always known... ..what YOUR heart has always known!" "Why do you want to talk to me like this?" "He's a right old poet when he gets going." "You could write some of this on a card and sell it!" "Get off my girlfriend!" "All this time you were Miss Butter Wouldn't Melt with your nose in a book." "Friend!" "Some friend." "I don't know what he sees in you!" "is it your big brain and your sensible shoes?" "Perhaps he felt he needed a decent conversation every now and again." "You two-faced conniving little bitch!" "Helena!" "Wasn't me." "She's mine!" "The kid's fast." "I wanted to see a punch-up." "You wanted to see a punch-up." "But Oberon's got this old "nobody gets hurt" thing going on." "What you gonna do?" "# Some people are made for each other" "# Some people can love one another for life... #" "Where did you learn to make love like that?" "Dedication." "I've studied lots of books and videos over the years." "Peaseblossom, I've got a pain in me neck." "You wouldn't mind, would you?" "I don't know what I've done to deserve this." "But to tell you the truth, what I'd really like is a nice carrot." "I need a shave." "I know that much." "No!" "Don't change a thing." "You're perfect." "Give over!" "We must sleep now." "No." "I don't want to sleep." "This is the best night of my life." "I don't want it to end." "Sshhh!" "I give up." "I give up." "You were right." "I've gone about this all wrong." "Come here." "You did your best." "You did what you thought was right." "It's just nerves." "That's all it is." "I think if I could make her see that..." "Maybe marrying her first love was never the best of ideas." "It worked for us, didn't it?" "Yeah, it did." "But maybe she needs to find her own way." "She'll be all right, you know." "She will be all right." "Have you seen Helena anywhere?" "I'll bet she would know something!" "Helena will be enjoying the vast and extensive facilities, like you could be enjoying mine." "What do you think you're doing?" "Just what I always do." "Thinking of your own gratification." "No." "I'm thinking about you." "Thinking, "How can I distract you?" ""How can I make you feel better?" ""How can I make you happy?"" "Oh, don't go putting yourself out on my account." "You know what?" "I'm sick of this." "Join the club." "No." "I mean, I'm sick of your sarcasm." "And I'm sick of the fact that you never listen to me or anybody else!" "I always listen to you." "You don't listen!" "You just stand there and wait for me to stop talking!" "I'm sick of it." "And I'm sick of you having to control every second of every waking day!" "What's got into you?" "I'm the angry one." "You're the calm one." "Well, maybe after 26 years, it's MY turn to be the angry one!" "Because guess what?" "Inside I'm angry too!" "Except I've got to bottle it up because you're so irritable all the time we have to tiptoe around you." "Why do you think your daughter nearly got married to a man she didn't even love?" "Because of your temper, that's why!" "And that's why she's out there now in the middle of nowhere with a stranger." "It's your fault and nobody else's!" "Cos here is the news!" "We all feel angry!" "We all feel disappointed!" "But most of us just get on with it!" "Helena?" "Zander!" "Let's talk!" "Please?" "Dad!" "Dad, it's all gone wrong!" "It's OK. lt'll all be OK." "Why is it...?" "I mean, how can they...?" "When you do what you think is right over the years and it's been wrong all along!" "Why would she want to live with it all this time if that's what she really thinks?" "Maybe she loves you." "She doesn't even like me!" "That's the strange thing about women." "They can love us even when we're irritating the hell out of them." "When they love you, they love you." "No conditions." "That doesn't make any sense." "It's not supposed to." "With them, it's a force of nature." "It's a foreign language." "You think YOU'VE got troubles?" "My wife..." "Well, she's flirting with a low-budget circus freak." "is it possible to ask why?" "We fought." "She sulked, she refused to help." "So I thought I'd make her see sense by, you know, making a fool out of her." "So now she's in love with a bloke who looks like a donkey." "I'm no expert, but that doesn't sound like the best idea you've ever had." "I thought we'd established that you know nothing about women." "And you do, I suppose?" "Well, at least I know where your daughter is." "What are we waiting for?" "No." "She's got some things to sort out." "She won't come to any harm." "That's easy for you to say!" "She won't come to any harm." "So I just sit here and wait?" "Well, you could use the time making it up with your wife." "Oh!" "Here speaks the expert on marital bliss." "Hey, just because I got it wrong doesn't mean YOU need to get it wrong too." "You just go in there and you say the three magic phrases that all women love to hear." ""l'm sorry."" ""I love you."" "And "You were right."" "I'm not sure she deserves it." "There was this man." "And he lived his life always worrying that something bad was going to happen." "He had a beautiful wife, a wonderful family." "He was rich and he was successful." "But he couldn't enjoy it because he knew that something bad was going to happen." "So, after a full and charmed life, at the age of 1 20, he realised he was dying." "And as he lay on his death bed he looked his wife in the eye and he said, "See?" "I told you something bad was going to happen."" "And that's supposed to be me?" "Well, I'm not that rich for a start." "Just enjoy what you've got, Theo." "Just enjoy what you've got." "That's good coming from you." "Look how tenderly she holds him." "That's right." "And tenderly strokes his big furry ears!" "This is ugly!" "This is sick!" "I know." "It's the cat's nadgers, though, isn't it?" "My anger did this." "Not her." "I did it and I want it undone." "Oh, you're King of the Fairies." "You're supposed to be angry!" "Turn the clown back to normal." "Make him think he had a dream." "Sort of dream you never want to wake up from." "What did you say?" "Nothing, nothing." "Now go and put things right with the young lovers." "Oh, but they're funnier when they're all messed up on love juice!" "Apply the antidote to James and Zander." "And do it properly, Puck." "I haven't got time!" "It's nearly light." "Get this right or I'll have you turned into a novelty key ring!" "Coming up, love potion number nine." "# Serve it up" "# Love potion number nine... #" "A waste of perfectly good love juice." "He has his reasons." "Oberon always has his reasons, but if you ask me, he's losing his grip." "Right." "OK." "When you wake up, you shall delight in the sight of Hermia again." "Make your passion for Helena real." "Jack shall have Jill." "Jill shall have Jack." "Blah...blah." "I'm going to gather some mushrooms, have a good old boil-up and get a bit of a wobble on!" "See you in a bit." "Well, I, erm..." "I think I should..." "I just never knew I made you feel like that." "The way you said I made you feel, always having to be the calm one while I was blowing up all the time." "I just..." "I didn't realise." "I just thought that you were better at dealing with the bad stuff." "And I... ..I love you for that." "Hell, I'm in awe of you for that." "And now I know." "Now I know it's how you feel and I will try not to be so angry all the time." "And the bossing people around." "That's just my way of looking after you and Hermia and I guess it must have just got out of hand." "I'll give it up." "I promise." "I'll try." "Because..." "I want us to be happy." "I want you to be happy, Polly." "Hip?" "My love hippo?" "Hmm?" "Hippo?" "At least give me a sign." "I feel like I'm talking to a coma victim in Holby City." "Be as you are, see as you saw and awake to a new dawn." "I dreamt that I was in love with an ass." "And then I woke up." "And what do you know?" "." "I still am." "I'm sorry." "I love you." "And you were right." "What's happened?" "Why are you being like this?" "What if I were to tell you... ..no more stupid rage." "I'd say it was a start." "No more commands." "I never listen to your commands anyway." "No more jealousy." "Why should I believe you?" "Because I've seen the damage it does." "O, how thy worth with manners may I sing" "When thou art all the better part of me?" "Sweet love, renew thy force." "Be it not said thy edge should blunter be than appetite." "My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep." "The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite." "How I love thee!" "How I dote on thee!" "How did we all get back here?" "I don't know." "So you don't remember anything about last night?" "No." "No." "Not even saying I was boring?" "I was upset." "It was a strange night." "Do you really think I need an audience?" "No." "Well, maybe when we were younger." "Those times when boys were kissing me and you used to stand outside the phone box." "And in the next seat in the cinema, yes." "I liked you being there because it made me feel safe." "I wasn't trying to show off." "No." "I know." "What's up?" "Why are you being like this?" "That's rich after the way you behaved last night!" "What do you mean?" "Oh, so you don't remember saying that you loved Helena then?" "What?" "!" "Helena?" "I remember going to sleep in that cabin, then nothing till I woke up here." "So you don't remember pushing me away?" "Of course I didn't push you away." "I'd never do that." "You must have been dreaming." "Maybe I was." "What's going on?" "I don't know." "What?" "THEO:" "Hermia?" "Dad!" "Whoever you choose, whoever you want to be with, as long as you're happy." "Sorry, James." "That's fine." "I don't love your daughter anymore, Theo." "Oh, I see!" "What?" "Something happened." "I can't explain." "You lot!" "You nearly gave Theo a heart attack." "And for what?" "Polly." "I know you want to be the angry one now and then, but everybody's happy." "POLLY:" "Yes, they are." "Although I would like some sort of an explanation." "By some power, my love for Hermia has melted like snow." "Well, we better get moving, we've got a party to get ready for." "Your mother and I, we're going to renew our vows." "Oh, that's fantastic!" "Congratulations!" "Are we?" "Really?" "Really." "That's if you would like to celebrate our new start and all that." "Yes, I would." "Yes, I would!" "So when did you think of this then?" "If I told you a big fairy whispered it to me, would you believe me?" "Did you get that as well?" "There must be something in the air. (Laughs)" "Tripping off their heads, every last one of them!" "Maybe they've opened their eyes for the first time." "It's amazing what that can do for people!" "They can't just change their minds like that!" "They can and they have. lt's mother and father now, not daughter and son-in-law." "You got a new shirt, by the way?" "I just thought I'd make a bit of an effort." "It won't be easy without Bottom." "He was struggling, anyway, all that animal stuff." "Too alternative for this crowd." "Bottom's not turned up?" "He's run out on us." "Hopefully seeking psychiatric help." "We're stuffed without him." "I'll slip in a couple of extra songs." "We should pull out." "They'll make do with a disco and a 3-course gala dinner." "We can't do it without Bottom, anyway." "We can't cancel!" "If this is cancelled I'll get the sack!" "Nobody's gonna sack you for pulling out of a gig." "They are if you've already taken the fee." "What fee?" "You never said anything about any fee!" "You said this was new duties." "I was going to share it out after the gig." "I didn't want to put any pressure on you!" "Oh, yeah?" "And what paid for your new guitar?" "And the watch!" "And the shirt!" "You know what it's like when you get started on catalogues." "How much have you been paid?" "300." "Oh." "And what?" "99." "You thieving git!" "Right." "That's 1 50 each." "Me, Snout and Snug." "Otherwise..." "Well, we're just not going on." "That leaves me with less than what I started with." "It's that or the sack, Quincy boy!" "You look nice." "Thanks." "Was there anything else?" "A bit of cloud talk?" "Well, the main thing I want to say, the main thing you need to know is something's changed - in here." "What might that be?" "I don't feel angry or upset about Hermia anymore." "Because I realise that I've got you." "So, I'm what?" "The consolation prize?" "No!" "No, I didn't mean it like that." "I meant..." "It's like..." "James, last night you humiliated me!" "Well, there were one or two hiccups, admittedly." "And now you're talking to me like it never even happened." "But I've changed!" "Well, good for you." "Maybe I've changed too." "Maybe I've stopped being such a pushover!" "# Just when you're thinking things over" "# And you need a set of vows" "# And when the sweetness you're saving # ls all the sweetness you doubt" "# I'm coming home" "# You look good when your heart is on fire # lt's a matter of taste, yeah" "# You do it fine You don't follow the line" "# Find the sun... #" "I have loved you, Polly, for as long as I've known you." "But somewhere... somewhere along the way," "I stopped telling you." "And that is why I'm so glad that here, today, in front of our friends and our loved ones," "I am able to tell you exactly what is in my heart." "And this will surprise you, because it certainly surprised me." "I've written a poem." ""Yours is the voice I hope to hear" ""When my phone says one missed call." ""Yours are the hands I want holding my ladder" ""When I'm papering the stairs and the hall." ""Yours is the face I long to see when I'm delayed at Waterloo." ""Yours is the duvet I long to share" ""When my Calor Gas is through." ""Yours is the sartorial eye that I crave" ""When I'm having last-minute suit-doubts." ""Yours is the hand that I want to hold" ""During funerals and penalty shoot-outs." ""Long before my mind was made up," ""My heart belonged to you." ""At last I'm listening to all that it says" ""And I hope that you are too."" "You'll be all right once you get on." "I can't." "Just try and think about the money." "I know I am!" "OK, chaps." "Let's get moving on the old entertainment front, shall we?" "Yes, sure." "Any moment." "We do have an agreed timetable!" "OK, fine." "One second." "I can't do it without Bottom." "I could do it when he was here." "You'll be fine." "You're not getting it, are you?" "Bottom is not gonna turn up." "We will never hear his terrible gags ever again!" "All right, Quince!" "Or should I say, "Wince"!" "Bottom!" "Oh, mate!" "I knew you wouldn't let us down." "You made it then." "Where've you been?" "More a case of where HAVEN'T I been." "I've just had the night of my life." "Maybe, but we better get on with the show." "Oh, yeah?" "Like a dream." "From start to finish. lt was..." "Well, a dream." "That's the only way I can explain it." "So I take it there was a woman involved?" "No." "Three women!" "There'll be time for this later." "They left with smiles on their faces." "I take it you didn't tell any jokes." "Odd you should mention that." "I did try some material." "They couldn't get enough of me." "Thought I was hilarious." "You had me believing you till then." "Ladies and gentlemen, our first act here is ready to bamboozle you, to enchant you, to beguile you with some close-up magic." "It's Mr Snug." "Thanks." "Hi." "So, surely, erm... this is a bottle of, er, unopened water made of glass?" "Tell me something I don't know." "And, er, this is a metal coin of the realm." "So, how can it be, I hear you ask..." "ALL:" "How can it be?" "How can it be that when I do this..." "What, it makes a ringing sound?" "No." "That this happens." "This happens..." "Wait." "Thank you." "I thank you!" "Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to penetrate your mind." "Are you all right?" "Are you happy?" "Couldn't be happier." "Good." "I was worried about you." "Not because of you and James, but because you didn't feel you could come to us, or at least me, and talk about it." "Because you can, you know." "I know." "And I'm sorry about the engagement party." "You shouldn't be." "Besides, if you hadn't cancelled, I wouldn't be getting another wedding day." "I've never seen Dad like this, all romantic." "He was always romantic." "Was he?" "It just...sort of got buried." "But I always knew his romantic side would come back out again when the time was right." "Are you sure that wasn't just wishful thinking?" "You can't build a marriage on wishful thinking." "I thought you'd realise that by now." "He seems like a nice lad." "He is." "Amazing, really, given his upbringing." "I'm sure." "All that wealth and he's come out of the other end so sussed." "All what wealth?" "And I believe this is your card, sir." "It is indeed!" "Helena!" "No marks for originality, sunshine!" "# He was beautiful... #" "You and me, we sort of belong together." "Why have you always hung around with Hermia and me?" "And why did I never mind, eh?" "So what are you trying to say here?" "Well, basically... I'm..." "It's..." "You see, it's to do with the love thing, isn't it?" "The love thing?" "Yeah." "You know." "You and me." "Over the years." "And now it's obvious." "Although with one or two hiccups." "Well, maybe more than one or two." "And, not entirely to blame, personalities." "Mix-ups." "But..." "But?" "Well, isn't it obvious?" "Not really." "Why, I as good as said it." "But you didn'T say it." "I love you." "There!" "I LOVE YOU !" "Shut up!" "Right." "Other people's families, eh?" "Always a nightmare." "Oh, this is nothing compared to my lot." "My parents would never do anything like this." "Far too stuffy." "Oh, I'm sure that's not true." "It's all that money, you see. lt's crippled them." "Well, that can happen." "Thank goodness Grandad put my inheritance into a trust." "At least I can be more creative with my share." "Open up a gallery, maybe." "Or a flotation tank studio, perhaps." "I'm sorry?" "It's art, Zander." "It's just not hanging on a gallery wall." "Cheers!" "And now for some fun and frivolity," "DreamPark is proud to present..." "Mr Nicholas Bottom." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "Good evening!" "Aren't trousers funny when you think about it?" "Not really!" "Ah, I see we've got a comedian in the house." "That's a relief." "When does he come on?" "You may be quick-witted, sir, but that can't compensate for the fact you look like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle." "I got a job as a postman the other week." "It's not very much, but, you know, it's better than walking the streets." "Eh?" "Better than walking the streets?" "Did you ever deliver any French letters?" "No." "But I wish I'd delivered one to your father." "Because then he wouldn't have had you, see?" "Does anyone like impressions?" "As long as it's an impression of a comedian." "My little boy came home from school the other day and said he'd been learning about Columbus going 5,000 miles on a galleon." "I said, "You don't want to believe everything you hear" ""about those foreign cars."" "I was going down the street the other day and who should I bump into but The Office's Mr David Brent." "I wasn't born offensive." "I had to practise." "Some people get offended for no reason!" "But if you did get offended, the best thing?" "The third and final nugget from the Bank of Puck - pretend it were a dream." "It works every time." "Hold still." "All I'm saying is, that if we've upset you, then I can come round to yours and sort you out." "I'm not a liar." "I really will." "Trust me."