"Okay, here's the drop-off order for tonight :" "Penny, movie ;" "Paige, mall ;" "Parker, Patton, party ;" "Pearce... wait" "Where are you going tonight?" "Life isn't about destinations." "It's a journey, an open road full of opportunities and surprises." " What does that mean?" " I have no plans." "Listen,drop me off a few blocks from the party so Lauren doesn't see me show up in this gas guzzler." "Lauren, the environmentalist babe?" "If she's into recycling, she can use me over and over again." "Mom, my friends are waiting for me." "Can you please drop me off first?" " Fine." " What?" "No way." "That's not fair." " Quiet!" " What?" "Or nobody's going anywhere." "Bob, why'd you stop?" "It was just an idle threat." "Carol, check the side view mirror." " See that thing on fire?" " Yeah." "What is that?" "Our transmission." "What's so funny?" "Nothing." "I just don't want to cry in front of the kids." " Hi, mama." "What you doing?" " Looking for a new van." "That's a little cold, isn't it?" "I mean, it's only been a day, and you're already replacing q-mobi?" "Q-mobi?" "The quint-mobile." "God, you don't even know its name." "Pearce, honey, I'm sorry, but we need a car." "Oh, okay, well, maybe you can use it to drive to oz and get a heart." " Hi, honey." " Hey, honey." "Listen, I found a minivan in our price range." "It's a '91 with only 280,000 miles on it." "Bob, I've been wanting a '91 since '97." "Well, honey, you can put away the classifieds, because I am getting us a brand-new minivan." "Check this out." "Remember how we got the old minivan for free for doing that commercial with the quints when they were babies?" "Well, I was thinking at work today, why don't we do another commercial and get another new car?" "So, I called the car company and pitched them the idea of a sequel, and they loved it." " Bob, that's fantastic." " Yeah." "Now, here, check this thing out." "Four-wheel drive, dual climate control, map lights, makeup lights, reading lights, and all leather interior." "and yet porno does nothing for you." "A car commercial?" "This is awesome!" "Once it airs, every lady in town's going to want to take the turbo Patton for a little test drive." "I hear it goes from zero to 60 in one second." "Oh, my god, a commercial?" "Listen, I've never told anyone this, and I know it's going to come as a shock to you all, but I think I might want to be a model." "Oh, man!" "There's going to be one less brain surgeon in the world." "Now, the commercial's not a done deal, but it's looking pretty good." "I called the car people, and they want to see us tomorrow for a little meet-and-greet." " Wow, that's pretty exciting, Bob." " Thank you." " Who are you?" " Tyler, Paige's boyfriend." "Since when?" "For over a month." "I've had dinner here, like, ten times." "I think the whole idea blows." "Do you remember why we stopped doing commercials in the first place?" "Yeah." "The Helbergs." "They came along with their perfect little blond quints and stole all our business." "They thought they were so much better than us 'cause they were natural, not cooked in a lab like you guys." "Well, that didn't stop you from trying to peddle us wherever you could, like the time you had us dress as the five stages of grief for that psychology convention." "Hey, we got a lot of free therapy for Pearce out of that." "That was a therapist?" "I thought he was just a friend with very limited time." "Look, we need a car, and this is the only way we can afford to get a new one, so we're all doing the commercial." " Sorry, but I'm not doing it." " Yes, you are." "I mean, every lady who sees this commercial's going to want one of me." "Oh, Patton, it's an ad for a minivan, not a mini-man." "Hey, guys, guys, guys, I think I know what this is about, okay?" "I miss q-mobi, too." "But she wouldn't want us to be sad." "She'd want us to be brave and... damn it!" "Look, look, I'm sorry, but I'm dating an environmentalist, and I'm not going to go on tv and promote an oil-burning, ozone-depleting smog machine that could ultimately destroy my chances of scoring with her." "Fine." "We'll do the commercial without you." "Yeah, damn straight, we will!" "You know, there's something you kids got to know." "You're all replaceable." "Just watch." "You." "You're Parker now." "Bam!" "So no need to be nervous." "We're just going to go in there and shake hands and smile." "Do you want us to dance around and throw our own feces, too?" "Only if they ask us." "Pearce, what are you wearing?" "It's a seat belt from q-mobi." " It's like she's still hugging me." " Well, you look psychotic." "Well, you-you didn't say anything on the car ride over." "Yeah, because I thought you were wearing a seat belt." "I am." "I should've recast more of 'em when I had the chance." "Oh!" "You must be the Chase quints." "Hmm." "I thought you'd look more alike." "Oh, well, they can." "Ha, see?" "And look at this one." "Aren't you adorable?" "Yes, I am." "You likey?" "That's Patton." "He'll be sedated for the shoot." " I'm Parker." " Yes, you are." "Anyway, we are really excited about the ad, so just give me a couple of minutes, and we'll schedule your audition." "Uh, what audition?" "Oh, it's going to be between you and another family we did a commercial with 15 years ago." " What family?" " The Helbergs." " Hello, Bob." " Francis." "I haven't seen you around the audition circuit lately." " Decided to take a little break." " Oh, it's just as well." "We were kicking your ass anyway." "Hey, see this watch?" "You know what it cost me?" "Nothing!" "Kids did a Rolex ad." "Show 'em, kids." " Uh, you remember my wife, Carol." " Carol." "I sure do." "Figured you would've dumped this guy by now." "Kidding." "So, Francis, where's your wife?" "Uh, she, uh... she left me." " Oh, well, that is too bad." "Yeah." "For a two-week vacation in Italy!" "You wouldn't believe what it's costing me." "Nothing!" "Kids did an airline ad." "Free travel around the globe." "Okay, mr." "Chase." "Why don't you all come inside?" "Not to complain, but why should we have to audition?" "I mean, this commercial was my idea." "Oh, what's the matter, Chase, afraid of a little competition?" "What, against you guys?" "Come on." "Look at my kids, and then look at yours." " I'm Parker." " I miss q-mobi." "I can't see." " I love your hair." " I love your hair." "It's like looking in a mirror." "This is one commercial that the Helbergs are not going to take from us." "We're going to rehearse till we're perfect, and we're going to get that car." "And not for us, but for your father." "This man has given up all his dreams for you kids." "I mean, look at him." "He has no car, no friends, a dead-end job." "This man needs a win." "Okay, everyone in the car." "Whoa." "Shouldn't I sit in the front seat so all the lady viewers can dream about getting me in the back seat?" "Keep it up, thumbelina, you'll be sitting in the glove compartment." " Now, where's Penny?" " Where isn't Penny?" "What does that mean?" "How should I know?" "I don't even know who Penny is." "What's going on?" "We have to audition for the commercial now, and we're up against the Helbergs." "The Helbergs." "I hate them." "You know, especially Bucky." "That little weasel super-glued me to my big wheel right before an audition." "I want back in." "What about your environmentalist babe?" "Oh, forget about Lauren and her crystal deodorant, which works not at all, by the way." "Anyway, thanks for filling in, Tyler, but I will take it from here." "No, it's-it's too late." "We can't switch you out now." "Why not?" "They're not going to notice." "Are you kidding?" "This guy said, "I'm Parker" 15 times in a ten-minute meeting." "I mean, like it or not, he made an impression." "Okay, let's just rehearse, please." "Pearce, what's the matter?" "It's just that everything in this car reminds me of q-mobi." "Chairs, pillows... fireplace." "Damn it!" "You okay?" "Look, I know how upsetting it can be when a car only lasts 15 years." "But you got to get past it." "It's just a car." "Just a car, dad?" "The first time I ever saw snow was through the windows of this car." "The first time I heard mom laugh was in this car." "I told my first knock-knock joke in this car." "Do you remember it?" "Knock-knock." " Who's there?" " Orange." " Orange who?" " Orange juice." "That still kills me." "Look, Pearce... what you need is some closure, so why don't we just take a minute and say good-bye?" " Can I sing?" " No." "Bye, q-mobi." "Well, that's just very weird." "Penny!" "Oh, my god!" "First time I saw Penny making out with a Helberg was in this car." "Chad Helberg." "Pearce, I want to talk to your sister for a second." "Could you go inside, please?" " Francis." " Hey, Carol." "So, this is casa de Chase." "You know, I got a boat that sleeps more than this." " Know what I paid for it?" " Nothing?" "What planet are you from?" "It's a freaking boat, lady." " Francis, what are you doing here?" " Oh, look, look the family's rehearsing." "So, what are you, the hood ornament?" "No, that would be you, baldilocks." "He's funny." "You're funny." "You know, aside from my kids, I represent some other acts." " You juggle?" " No." "You mind being juggled?" " Listen, Francis..." " I'm just looking around, Carol." "Hey, we haven't met." "Who are you?" " Oh, uh, I'm..." " Uh, that is Paige's boyfriend..." "Tyler." "So, how long have you two been dating?" "H- uh?" "Oh, uh, about a month." " But I haven't slept with him." "It must be pretty serious, 'cause, uh, you're in the family portrait already." "Yes, it is." "It is very, very serious." "They're inseparable." "Hey, wait a second." "Why isn't he in the picture?" "Uh... he painted it." "He's my little Picasso." "Uh, it's Parker." "A Helberg?" "How could you?" "Do you really hate me that much?" "Yeah, everything's about you, dad." "Did it ever occur to you that I might really like him?" "Oh, please." "What could you two possibly have in common?" "Uh, gee, I don't know." "We both like sushi and no doubt, and we're both quintuplets." "Mr. Chase, I know your family's poor and all, but I really like Penny." "She changed my whole outlook on life." "What, you've known her, like, six hours." "Yeah, but really well for the last two." "All right, that is it." "You're not seeing him anymore." " Or what?" " Or you are no longer my daughter." "Fine." "Good luck getting that commercial with four quintuplets." "Hey, where you going?" "Come on, it was just an idle threat." "First time I was naked in a minivan was in this car." " He's in this picture, too." " Francis, why are you here?" "'Cause I think my kid Chad's here somewhere." "What are you talking about?" "There's my boy." "Why is he here?" "And why are they holding hands?" "Why is he here?" "And why are they holding hands?" "Bob, don't be such a prude." "You know it's okay for Paige and her boyfriend, Tyler, to hold hands." "Of course it is." "It's perfectly natural." "So, Chase, looks like our two kids hooked up, huh?" "Yeah, Francis." "You're taking it better than I did." "Aw, Chad, let's go." "Hey, thanks for understanding, dad." "What, are you trying to dilute the Helberg gene pool?" "Go!" "You know what you're getting for dinner tonight?" "Nothing!" "Penny, I cannot believe you're dating a Helberg." "Parker and Paige are hooking up, and you're giving me a hard time?" " What are you doing here?" " I couldn't stay away." "A Chase doesn't run from a Helberg." "All right, but you're here as Paige's boyfriend." "Don't mess this up for me." "Oh, I don't plan on messing it up... for you." " That's a little ominous." " Is it?" "Well, now it's just creepy." "Okay, mr." "Chase, we're ready." "Okay, Chases, you'll audition first, and then the Helbergs." "Uh, no way; we go second." "That is non-negotiable." " Okay, great; we'll go first." " Ha, no way." "You can't just change the order." "This woman's got a schedule." "Some people." "I want this car, Bob." "I've smelled it." "I've tasted it." "I can't go back to pre-owned." " "Tasted it"?" " I licked the upholstery." "Happy?" "Look at her." "Flaunting that Helberg in my face." "What does she see in him?" "It couldn't possibly be those six-pack abs and that rock-hard butt." "I bumped, I bumped into him." " Hey, Pearce, want to have some fun?" " Yeah!" "Let's wrestle." " You be the 'gator." " What?" " Pearce, get off me!" " Hey, quiet!" "'Gators don't talk." "What?" "No, no, Pearce, no." "Just watch when Bucky Helberg tries to get up from that chair." "Okay, Chases, let's get in the car." "We're going to tape this so we have something to send to the higher-ups." "Paige, listen." "I think we should break up." "What?" "!" "I like you; it's just... for some reason, I think of you more as a sister." " You're breaking up with me?" " Now?" "You're doing this now?" "Well, yeah." "I wanted to wait till the audition was over." " It hasn't started yet." " Then why are we driving home?" " You are the stupidest person that I have ever..." " and, action!" " Hi." "I'm Bob Chase." " And I'm Carol Chase." "These are our quintuplets." "You're a jerk." "Do I kiss like a sister?" "15 years ago, my wife and I... whoa!" " I've never seen so many buttons." " My god, you people are idiots." "...and cut!" "Cut!" "Thank you, Chases." " Can we try that again?" " No." "Ah, that's got to hurt, Chase." "Hey, you know what'll make you feel better after an audition like that?" "Nothing!" "Okay Helbergs, let's show 'em how it's done." " Bucky, lose the chair." " I can't, dad." "I'm stuck to it." "I said lose it now." "God, they're monsters." "Well, good luck, Chad." "Not that you'll need it." "Thanks, Penny." "See you after." "Why are you talking like that?" "Penny suggested I get my tongue pierced, and it's still slightly swollen." "What?" "You know you cannot change your appearance in any way, shape, or form." "It is clearly stated in the contract you kids signed with me." " We were six!" " Okay, we'll work around it." "Just keep your mouth closed." "Get in the van." "No!" "I'm tired of being your little slave." "Penny told me that I'm a person, a human being." "And I'm not going to do any more commercials." " I'm thick of thelling things." " Okay." "Okay, fine." "Leave." "But you better get a good lawyer, 'cause I'm taking you down." "Okay, Jill, we're ready." "Uh, mr." "Helberg, we really can't do a quint commercial with only four kids." "So I'm afraid we're going to have to go with the Chases." "Well..." "Francis." "Tough break." "You know how sad that makes me?" "Nothing!" " That doesn't even make sense." " Who cares?" "We get the car." "Oh, Penny." "You weren't using chad to torture me." "You were using him to bring down the Helbergs." "Actually, dad, I was doing both." "It was a win-win." "Well, I appreciate your mean-spirited loyalty." " You were great in that commercial." " No, you were." "I hate when we fight." " Me, too." "I love your hair." " I love my hair too." "What the hell?" "Jill?" "Jill, Jill, Jill... did you see that?" " See what?" " Two of their "kids" were frenching." " You are sick." "They're brother and sister." " I don't think they are." "He was in the family portrait." "And they were making out." "I think he's the brother, and he's the boyfriend." " They've been lying to you." " Don't believe this, Jill." "Now, let's go sign those contracts." "Did I mention that Carol is a notary?" "W-wait a minute." "Nobody's signing anything." "I want to know who's who here." "Well, it's very simple, really." "This is Parker, Paige's brother." "And-and this is Tyler, Paige's boyfriend." "Oh, really?" "They're boyfriend and girlfriend?" "Then I want to see them kiss." "Well, you get your jollies somewhere else, sicko." "Mr. Chase, this is getting kind of weird." "Maybe we should just call the whole thing off." "Paige?" "Kiss your boyfriend." " Mom?" " Kiss him!" " I love this car." " Me too." "Merci à Raceman pour les transcripts."