"Hey." "Yeah, that's nice." "Where'd you get that?" "This lady, Mrs. Bermance." "Somebody broke into her apartment." "Al and I caught the guy." "So she sent me this to say thanks." "Hey, that's a beauty." "That's not just saying thanks." "That's saying something else." "Like what?" "She's looking for a little police action, baby." "You stop by, thank her for the robe, five minutes later you'll be in her bedroom playing search without a warrant." "Aw, come on, guys, this lady's 60 years old, maybe older." "Yeah?" "Those old broads, they're the worst." "I had this one up on seventy-Fourth street." "You remember this?" "Oh yeah." "She calls me up." ""Detective Harrigan, I'd like to thank you for your help." "Please come by and see me."" "I go over there, open up the door." "There she is, standing there in the buff." "Eighty years old if she's a day." "What did you do?" "I puked." "Picked my eyeballs up, and went on a three-day bender." "Over here." "Here?" "Mm-hmm." "Okay." "You want something to drink, some water?" "No." "You look familiar." "Yeah, I used to be a spice girl before this." "Hey, Jan." "Yeah?" "What you got?" "Nothing." "He's sleeping outside a building on eighty-fifth, had a fight with the doorman." "I'm all set." "Alright, what's your name?" "John." "John doe?" "John Yellin." "John Yellin, where'd you go to high school?" "The Bronx." "Spellman?" "Yeah." "What year'd you graduate?" "Eighty-Eight." "John Yellin, Jan Fendrich!" "I knew it!" "I knew there was something familiar about you." "Oh, is that incredible?" "Yeah, it's a small world, huh?" "Small world." "I can't believe it." "John Yellin!" "How are you?" "Great." "Uh, right." "Sorry." "Uh, hey, Michael, I went to high school with this guy." "Really?" "Let me guess." "Most likely to succeed, right?" "Who's not busy?" "I got a nuisance complaint." "Uh, this ain't the complaint department." "Only when you're here, McNEIL." "Chief, come on." "This is a massage parlor." "Mayor wants it shut down." "Part of his new user-friendly new York." "You can't any more user- friendly than these people." "They should be funded by the mayor's office." "This one's up on 59th." "Go in undercover." "See if they offer you sex." "What kinda detective spends his time trying to get a hand job?" "Hey." "It helps with my blood pressure." "?" "This modern day America?" "so, what do I do?" "I don't know, Mikey." "I haven't been to a massage parlor in a couple years." "Come on, Frankie." "How do I get her to know that I want more than the regular massage?" "Well, you got to hint around." "You know, I might ask for the special massage, or I may say I want the full release massage." "When you used to go?" "Yeah, when I used to go." "Yeah." "Exactly." "So what, she'll, she'll start massaging me, and then-- yeah, and then, you know, once her hands go down around Mexico way, it's no longer a massage, so you let her finish." "What?" "Whoa, what?" "No." "Well, you don't want to be rude." "I mean, you know." "When she makes he move, you got her." "You make the call to public morals." "They come over and bust the place." "Okay." "Full release?" "Full release." "Yeah, ask for Susie." "He's five, and he kinda has me wrapped around his little finger, and unfortunately, he sort of knows it." "So, how do you manage all by yourself?" "Oh, I do all right." "Uh, fortunately my mother's still up in the Bronx, so, she helps out." "So you went to high school with this one, huh?" "Yep." "What was she like back then?" "I'm guessing slut." "Uh, actually, I didn't hang out with Jan all that much." "She didn't like me, 'cause I came up with her nickname." "You came up with that nickname?" "I, I thought that was Arthur wood." "No." "Arthur spread it around." "I came up with the nickname." "Oh, so it was you." "What was it?" "Oh, no, no." "Do not say anything to him." "Come on, tell me." "No, seriously." "I have a gun right here." "I will shoot you." "Twenty bucks." "We called her "duck."" "Oh, thank you, thank you very much." "You know what Jan's nickname was in high school?" "No." "Duck." "Duck?" "Why'd they call you that?" "'Cause I had a voice like a duck." "Had?" "Oh, all right, get away from me, all of you." "You had to say something, right?" "Al, will you keep an eye on this guy for me?" "Hello, sir." "Oh, hi." "Hi." "Susie?" "Oh, Susie isn't here today." "She has jury duty." "I'm Diane." "What's your name?" "Uh, Dave." "Ow, easy." "Oh, sorry." "Ow, nice to meet you, Dave." "Where are you from?" "Um, Canada." "Oh my god!" "I'm from Canada, too." "What part?" "Uh, Vancouver." "Oh." "B.C." "Oh my god, that is crazy." "Yeah." "Couple of canucks, huh?" "Yeah." "All right, well, what kind of massage do you want today, Dave?" "Uh, I was hoping for something special." "Upper body?" "Yeah, upper body." "And, you know, if you feel like throwing in some lower body, you know, feel free to, to do that, and maybe, the full release mas--uh, massage." "Uh, I see." "Well, why don't you just relax?" "I'm pretty relaxed." "Good." "Well, let's see what makes you happy, okay, Dave?" "Okay." "Oh, okay, now?" "Okay." "Wait, um, okay." "Okay." "Um... ow." "Wow." "That was quick." "Sorry." "I'm telling you." "I, I can't even describe it to you guys." "It was like I was, I wanted to open my eyes, but I was frozen on the table." "I've never had a woman touch me the way this woman touched me." "It was over in like, five minutes." "And this was Susie?" "No, no." "Susie had jury duty." "This was Diane." "Diane?" "Yeah." "I, I don't know Diane." "You should know Diane." "Everybody should know Diane." "And this was all manual labor?" "Totally." "I mean, if she was a kid, she'd be like a, a prodigy." "She'd be like Mozart." "That's right." "She'd be like the Mozart of that particular ability." "Yeah." "Hey, what are you guys talking about?" "Nothing." "Yeah-- so, did you call public morals?" "No, no, no, I'm not calling them." "This is not a crime." "This is, this is a miracle." "I'm gonna go over there right now." "Cover for me." "Second floor." "Diane." "I know where it is." "You're gonna thank me, pip." "Hey, I'm married." "Yeah, so?" "So, that means something to me." "This has nothing to do with marriage." "This is, uh, this is nothing." "This is like going to the dentist." "You think so?" "Yeah." "What happens when you go to the dentist." "You, you lie there while somebody plays around with part of your body." "Same thing." "Except without the little bib and the pain." "Actually, there was pain." "Wow." "You must be Diane." "Yep." "You must be frank." "That's right, I am." "Let me help you with your jacket, frank." "Oh, thank you." "G.G. Tells me you're one of our regulars." "Oh yeah, I'm in here all the time." "Oh really?" "She says you're in real estate." "Yes." "Yes, I am." "How's business, frank?" "Oh, it's booming." "Say, I'm in a little bit of a hurry, so what do you say we, I just strip down and we let the games begin?" "Do you want to, uh, take your shoes off first?" "Just work your magic." "All right." "Excuse me." "I'm looking for detective Sommariba." "You know, I don't think he's here right now." "Can I help you?" "Uh, well, I, I just wanted to drop this off." "Oh, you know what?" "I'll put that in a nice, safe place for him." "Thank you." "Mrs. Bermance." "What are you doing here?" "Just wanted to see if you got the robe, and I brought you another-- ma'am, we're very, very busy." "Could I talk to you for just two seconds?" "Um, yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure." "Come this way." "Oh my god." "I'm speechless." "Never in my life." "What did I tell you?" "Oh, it was incredible." "Did you see the white light?" "No." "Oh." "I saw the white light." "I started walking towards it." "But then I remember you don't do that." "I am telling you, I feel like a newborn." "That's how refreshed I feel." "Do I look younger?" "Hey, what are you guys talking about?" "Nothing." "Nice." "She's amazing, huh?" "Incredible." "It was all I could do to hold out for like two minutes." "They were all talking about some guy who came in there this morning and went in like five seconds." "Was that you?" "Right." "No, I know the guy they're talking about though." "That was a, a little short guy, went in there, came right back out." "You got to go, pip." "I'm telling you." "Yeah." "No thanks." "What's wrong with him?" "Married." "Oh, why did you have to remind me?" "You spoiled the moment." "Now I got to go back." "I'm glad you like the robe." "It's very nice." "But you don't have to give me things." "I was, you know, just doing my job." "Do you find me attractive?" "Excuse me?" "Do you find me attractive?" "As a woman?" "Can I get you some coffee?" "I'll come right to the point, detective." "Men of Hispanic descent have always been my partners of choice, and I don't know if you're attached or not." "I should open the door." "And I don't know if the difference in our ages would be too great a hurdle for you, but I'll tell you that I am a compassionate and caring lover who knows how to please a man." "With all due respect, Mrs. Bermance-- call me peg." "Mrs.--Ma'am, I am really flattered." "Don't answer now." "I'll, I'll give you some time to think about it." "I'll be in touch." "Buenos dias, senor." "So." "What are we gonna do?" "You gonna give me a break, or what?" "Why?" "We went to high school together." "Come on." "Look, john, it's great to see you and everything, but stuff has changed." "You know, I'm not the same girl you knew in the Bronx." "I have responsibilities." "I'm a cop, you know." "Is this because I called you duck?" "Oh." "Is that why you're not helping me out?" "Are you kidding me?" "Come on." "Do you really think I care about that?" "So you gave me a nickname." "So what?" "So people laughed at me." "So, sometimes I'd come home from school crying." "So you pretty much ruined four years of my life." "Get up." "Where are we going?" "Lockup." "Oh, you're hurting me now." "Oh really?" "Gee, I sure wouldn't want to do that." "Will you drop it?" "I don't need any other woman." "My wife is all the woman I need." "Pip, this is not cheating." "It's research, okay?" "Drop it." "Look, do me a favor, okay." "Go to the second floor, massage sophisticates, ask for Diane, tell her you want the special release massage." "Last time I mention it." "Promise?" "Look at you." "You're going Amish on me." "So, how do you know frank?" "We work together." "He told me business was booming." "Yeah, yeah." "We can't make things fast enough." "He told me you were in real estate." "Yeah, real estate slash manufacturing." "Uh, listen." "Are you sure you're giving me the special massage?" "Yeah, and it's been 20 minutes now, and you're totally relaxed." "Don't look at me, lady." "You're the one that's supposed to make it happen." "I'll tell you what." "How about 15 more minutes?" "Nothing goes, we call it a draw." "Deal." "That a girl." "Garrity." "Yeah, it's tommy Manetti from the two-one." "Listen, massage sophisticates on second avenue." "I was just in there and it's a whack palace." "No, I didn't." "Now get over here and shut this place down." "All right." "Out into the hall, please." "New York city police, public morals." "What?" "This business is closed, effective immediately." "Let's go, get out." "Let me get my shoes." "Come on, outside here." "Ma'am, I need you to come out of here." "Grab your coat." "Come on, sir." "So, where's your friend from high school?" "I put him in lockup." "So much for school spirit." "Mm, frank, don't." "I feel guilty enough as it is." "I mean the guy kind of made my life miserable, so I want him to suffer, but, I can't do it." "The guy's sleeping on the street." "I got to help him." "Wow." "You're a good person." "I'm going to talk to the doorman he assaulted, try and convince him not to press charges." "Very good." "I had a friend one time." "His life fell apart." "He ended up out in the street." "I'd see him out sleeping on a heating grate in the middle of the winter." "I'd beg him to get help." "I'd say go to a shelter." "Go someplace indoors." "He wouldn't listen." "Couple years ago, I'm walking down the street, there he is in a three-piece suit." "The world on a string." "Turned it all around." "Oh, that's great." "Yeah, that's what I thought." "Turns out he killed a guy." "That's where he got the suit." "He was a real nut job." "They put his ass away for life." "Well, thanks for that story, frank." "Not a problem." "God's speed." "Grab your coat." "All right." "Inside." "I didn't even take off my clothes, man." "I, we were just talking." "Talking about what?" "I don't know." "Stuff." "I was kind of nervous." "What were you nervous about?" "I was just nervous." "I guess I haven't been with as many women as you." "Well, how many you been with?" "No, I don't want to talk about it." "No, I mean, come on." "Like what, 20?" "No." "Fifteen?" "Ten?" "What, single digits?" "All right." "Six?" "Five?" "Four?" "Man, don't tell me it's four 'cause that's unnatural." "Three?" "Oh, pip." "Gay guys have been with three women." "I mean, uh, Liberace had three women, they still get together and talk about it." "I told you before, my wife is all the woman I need." "So you've only ever been with your wife?" "That's right." "Wow." "Wow, what do you mean by that?" "Just--wow, man." "All the crap you pull, drinking, popping pills, sleeping with a sister, I don't judge you." "Now you gonna turn around and judge me?" "No." "I'm going home and telling my wife." "Pip, don't do it." "Look, if you can't respect my life, and my choices," "I don't need your damn advice." "All right, man, I'm just telling you, you're gonna regret it." "Pip." "Oh boy." "Frankie, I feel bad for these girls, you know." "Me too, Mikey." "It's just not right." "No, it isn't." "Don't you know somebody at central booking maybe you can call, get him off the hook?" "Yes." "Yes, I do." "Guy owes me a favor, I'll send him a bottle." "Good." "Hey, that's him." "That's the guy." "Hi, speedy, hi." "We got to go." "Speedy?" "Who, who the hell's speedy?" "Oh, no, I think she said Petey." "Petey?" "Who-- yeah, that's the fake name I used, you know, instead of using my own name." "Petey is your fake name?" "Yeah." "Listen, I really appreciate this." "Thank you." "You're lucky that doorman's a reasonable guy." "And you don't need to thank me, you need to stay out of trouble now." "Okay." "Thanks." "Take care of yourself." "All right, thanks." "Oh, john, wait a minute." "Let me give you a couple of bucks." "I'll feel better if I know you have some money on you." "No, no, no, I'm fine." "Where's my money?" "I just went to the-- oh, you son of a bitch!" "What's going on?" "He stole my money!" "I'm gonna beat the crap out of this guy!" "Well, you're a cop." "Shoot him." "Something happened today." "It's kinda, it's kinda hard to talk about." "What?" "What is it?" "Well, we got this nuisance complaint about a massage parlor." "And one of us had to go down undercover to see if they were, um, having sex with the customers." "Was it you?" "No, no." "Mike went." "But while he was there, this woman did something to him, and he told me I had to go down there and have the same thing done to me." "What is wrong with that man?" "Oh!" "I don't like him." "Mm, I don't." "He's my partner, baby." "I don't like that either." "The lord is going to smite him sooner or later." "And I don't want you standing next to his ass when it happens." "Excuse my language." "Anyway, a couple guys, they go down, they get this special massage." "Mm, mm, mm." "And I guess somebody called public morals, 'cause they raided the place." "And, the thing is-- what?" "Uh, one of our guys was there when the bust went down." "Hmph, I'm not surprised." "It was McNEIL, wasn't it?" "I'm not gonna lie to you, baby." "Yes." "Hey, Ruben." "You had a female visitor in there this morning." "Who was it?" "Let's just say she remembers where she was on V.J. Day." "Don't worry about it." "She won't be coming back." "What did you say to her?" "Well, I told her that you were flattered, but it would be unprofessional of you to get involved with a member of the community in the capacity that she was-- ah, hell, I told her you were a fag." "Thanks, frank." "Yeah, you'd do the same for me." "Well, hopefully not exactly the same thing, but, you, you know what I mean." "Yeah." "Hey." "Hey, man." "So, uh, did you tell her?" "Yeah." "How'd she take it?" "It was rough at first, but we, we worked through it." "Good, man." "Good." "Hey, um, I want to apologize for yesterday, man." "You know, I do respect how you live your life." "You know, I know you live by a certain set of rules, and, uh, you know, I guess because my life's kind of a mess right now, I, you know, sometimes," "I wish, you're my friend, my partner," "I just wish you were out there getting into trouble with me." "Like you want my life to be screwed up too?" "Yeah, kind of." "So she took it well, man, that's amazing." "Look, I'm not gonna lie to you." "You didn't tell her." "No, no, I told her." "But I, I said it was you." "You know what?" "There's hope for you yet, brother." "Hey, who's that from?" "Mrs. Bermance." "She says she accepts my lifestyle choice, thanks again." "No problem." "And in case I ever change my mind, she wants me to give her a call." "She says she wants to take me on a trip to Europe." "Mm." "I can think of a lot worse things than being the plaything of a wealthy older woman." "I couldn't do it." "Look at this." "She wrote her phone number after her name." "I think that's sad." "Hey." "She knows what she wants and she's going after it." "You got to respect that."