"Three, two, one." "Happy new year!" "Of school!" "What are you doing?" "It's the first day of school!" "You're the government's problem now!" "Yeah!" "Free at last." "Free at last." "I can't believe we have to start another year of school." "I never learned anything at that suckshack." "Who taught you that language?" "Kid at school." "So you did learn something." "Homie, the insurance bill is due today." "Can you make sure to mail it?" "Absolutely!" "Insurance is the greatest deal ever." "If I get hurt, I get paid." "And man, do I get hurt." "Easy..." "What is it?" "What a week!" "Welcome to another school year!" "One important note:" "The flower-based names of the reading groups... are now barnyard-based." "Mr. Becker has protested the move... so his group will remain the Daffodils." "Where my Dils at?" "I never tire of that." "One other announcement:" "At the end of the month, we'll be participating in the..." "Vice-President's Assessment Test." "He stinks!" "We're assessing you, not him." "Withdrawn." "The VPAT is part of the federal government's..." ""No Child Left Alone" act." "It will be a rewarding day of pencil sharpening and "eyes on your own paper" keeping." "Cut the horse bull Seymour!" "Your scores on this test... will determine how much money this suckshack gets for years to come." "So we will spend every moment of the next two weeks... drilling the questions and answers into your soft little skulls." "Shy is to Gregarious" "As peaceful is to bellicose" "Children." "the answers of the standardized test fall into... 12 basic patterns." "Read after me:" "Accaca-Dabacca-Accacaca." "Accaca-Dabacca-Accacaca." "Number two:" "Dacacca-Adada-Badacad." "Dacacca-Adada-Badacad." "Biggest city in Montana?" "Helena?" "Wrong!" "912 divided by 6?" "You can't teach this way!" "Yes, I can!" "Pretty sure this works!" "Where are these studies conducted?" "Ball State." "So when you take your practice test, take your number two pencil, and..." "What kind of pencil do we take again?" "Number two, take a number two." "Looks like you took a big number two." "Yes, quite so." "As you can see, I'm holding a big number two in my hands." "enjoying the weight and feel of it." "Whoo-hoo!" "Test day at last!" "Now I can show-off on the federal level!" "Hey Bart, on the practice test yesterday, what did you pick as the best title for the paragraph about manifest destiny?" "Slurt my snot." "I wrote "slurt my snot" in the ovals on the answer sheet." "True story." "Dad!" "Bart's throwing away his future!" "Oh no, now who will sell oranges on the off-ramp?" "Great jokes make me hungry." "I wonder what's in the pantry." "Wait a minute..." "Wait a minute!" "Bart, we need to talk to you about your practice test." "I warned you." "You got a perfect score." "Wonderful job, son." "Just stellar." "How did I do?" "96." "What did I get wrong?" "Several answers." "Several?" "That's more than a few, and almost a bunch!" "Bart, because of your superior intellect..." "But, wait!" "I aced the math part right?" "Because I..." "Bart, you and the other perfect-scoring superstars... are exempt from taking the actual test today." "No test?" "!" "Don't be too disappointed." "We are throwing you a pizza-party at a bowling alley." "Well, it's about time." "Come, your helicopter awaits." "Check it out!" "Bart's a superstar, too!" " Bart's here!" " Awesome!" "Wait a minute." "This ain't no genius-copter." "This is con-air!" "Take it away, Willie!" "Enjoy your flight!" "Brilliant plan to remove all the underperformers for test day, sir." "Yes." "All of them." "Why Seymour, it seems I left my sunglasses on the bus." "Well I'd best retrieve them." "Yes, yes." "You'd best." "Sir?" "So long, superstars!" "Can't believe it." "Superintendent Chalmers betrayed me." "After all the wrapping paper I bought from his daughter." "Pizza party, pizza party!" "Helicopter, helicopter!" "Stop it, all of you!" "What's the matter, superstar?" "Feeling sorry for the normals?" "Don't you get it?" "There is no pizza party!" "This isn't a helicopter!" "No pizza party?" "Not a helicopter?" "Let me explain it to you... in terms even the simplest can understand." "We're hiding you in capital city for the day... so your numbskullary won't drag down the test scores... of the children who are our future." "Told you." "Will there be other numbskulls there?" "Sort of a numbskull Olympics as it were?" "Let's all act stupid!" "Guys, guys, save it for the competition!" "ID please." "Must be in the glove box." "This was due two weeks ago!" "I'm uninsured!" "For the first time in my life, I'm financially responsible for my own actions!" "Uninsured, uninsured!" "Idiot!" "I'm not in good hands." "I'm in no hands!" "Like a bad neighbor, no one is there!" "Dear stupid insurance company," "I meant to mail this... on time." "What do you mean too bad?" "Screw you!" "Heh heh." "Oh, I won't be insured until two o'clock!" "Okay, until then, I have to avoid any serious injuries... or accidents on my property." "Or I'm ruined." "Oh no you don't!" "Now, I know some of you may suffer from test anxiety." "Here's a helpful hint." "Imagine each question is a baby chick." "If you answer wrong, the chick dies." "Shut up, they would've died anyway." "Now the test will begin in 5... 4... 3..." "Oh, my God, we should've begun four minutes ago." "Go, go, go!" "You can do it, Lisa." "There's nothing in the room but you and the test." "Focus." "Pride is to downfall as overconfidence is to." "What?" "They're all equally valid." "That can't be!" "In life, everything only has one answer!" "Piece of cake, huh?" "Ah, I'm writing on my shirt!" "Hey Seymour, I just realized something." "You're stuck babysitting us losers, which makes you the real loser." "For your information, I am not a loser." "I am a successful principal who paints houses in the summertime." "You painted our garage and it was peeling by October!" "Your dad insisted I use an inferior primer." "Loser!" "Loser!" "Excuse me, Mommy, I have to go potty." "Otto, can you pull over?" "Pull over!" "Sorry." "I was mesmerized by the little boy's dance." "*Wannabe" " Spice Girls*" "Ralph, are you almost finished?" "I finished before we came in." "All right, now we can get back on the bus, and..." "All aboard!" "Hey Skinner, wanna see our impression of you?" "Well, I guess I can use an affectionate homage." "All right, stay calm boys." "Oh, God." "We're at the corner of Cesar Chavez Way and Martin Luther King Boulevard." "¡Ay, caramba!" "Homie, what are you doing home so early?" "Marge, I won't bore you with the truth." "All I can say is that until 3 P.M., we must avoid all accidents and injuries, or we're all going to the poor house." "You mean back to the poor house." "Fine, back." "And we can't let anyone else get hurt on our property." "I don't want anyone to ever get hurt." "Me too, baby, but we gotta get real." "We can discuss it later." "Right now, while you're here, you can help host my book club." "Book club?" "That's the most stupid boring thing ever!" "Oh, thank you." "Now, I would never say a bad word about Cletus and Brandine, but I hear he's been feeding slop to another woman's pig!" "I've been cleaved!" "Oh, my God, oh, my God, we're totally liable!" "Oh, yeah..." "I mean, no!" "Maybe I should just move onto question two." "Question two: using what you learnt in question one..." "Lisa, like Captain Kurk, I'm not supposed to interfere." "But like TJ Hooker, I say what's on my mind." "If you don't know the answer, just guess." "This test penalizes guessing!" "It does?" "All right, nobody guess!" "Just be right!" "Get down on your knees, pray to your God, and ask him-- no demand he tell you the answer." "And if he won't, he is no God of yours!" "What's your plan now, Skinrash?" "My name isn't Skinrash, it's Principal Skinner!" "And you will address me as such!" "Sure thing, Such." "I'll deal with your insubordinate wordplay later." "My first duty is to get you boys to safety, and that's..." "Where's Ralph?" "I'm playing with Elmo!" "Okay." "I just have to keep these tipsy witches safe for ten more seconds." "Van Johnson was never half the man Van Heflin was." "Knife!" "Apaches!" "Oh, Mr. Burns." "Why do terrible things always happen.... to wonderful people at 3:01 P.M." "Which, for the record, is the correct time." "So..." "Planning for the weekend?" "Marge, are you mad I forgot to send in the payment?" "No, sweetie." "At this point in a marriage, a wife should know what her husband can do and what he can't." "Who was I to think you can mail an envelope?" "Baby, I hope you've got snuggle insurance... 'cos I'm about to file a claim." " Bart, do you have your slingshot?" " No, sir." "I see it in your backpocket." "Just don't stretch it out." "I was once a boy, and like all boys..." "You like all boys?" "Shut up!" "I child is in danger under my aegis!" "Run, Ralph!" "Run!" "Okay." "Time to do what I've never done as principal:" "Something." "Skinner's spazzing out!" "I'm not spazzing out." "I'm using the principal of conservation of angular momentum to turn the container!" "That is so cool!" "That's the kind of stuff they should teach in school!" "We do teach it in school." "You're too busy eating sugar snacks and horsing around!" "He's right." "Learning can teach you things." "Education rules." "But I reckon I gotta light out for the territory ahead of the rest." "Because Aunt Sally, she's gonna adapt me, and civilize me, and I can't stand it." "I've been there before." "That book was awesome!" "Next stop:" "Springfield Elementary!" "Skinner!" "Otto!" "Me bullies!" "The cowerbunger kid!" "And a real nitwit!" "It's so good to see you all!" "All done." "And I've got two minutes to take care of these stray marks." "Well, that's it." "The test is almost over, and I haven't done a thing." "I've blown my whole future." "Right." "Oh, well." "Maybe it'll be more fun to be a regular, average, stay-at-home..." "This test is a joke!" "Skinner?" "!" "Today, I received an education in how children really learn:" "By seeing their principal run around on top of a shipping container." "So children, put down your answer sheet." "And drop that number two." "Yes, I know what that means." "I've learned so much today." "This is my school, and I'm throwing out the test." "Hurray!" "I'm a brainy outcast again!" "And finally, effective immediately," "I'm overturning this school's ban on dancing." "*Kenny Loggins" " Footloose*"