"(Indistinct conversations)" "(Man) ♪ a stick pony ♪" "♪ stick pony ♪" "♪ do you want to ride... ♪" "Hey, get me a real waitress!" "Sir, please sit. (Chuckles)" "You're a danger to yourself and those around you." "Get me another pitcher, hot stuff." "Twin peaks is giving us attitude." " Is she?" " Yeah." "(Laughs)" "(Grunts) Ohh!" "(Groans, panting) Her name is Sapphire, and what she'll give you is your check." "Good night." "(Strained voice) You ain't gettin' no tip." "Oh, honey, your butt headed out the door is gratuity enough." "(Man) Sorry, Amanda." "Hey, Ripp." "I didn't see you come in." "Way to take him down, Amanda." "Well, every now and then you gotta bust some balls." "(Chuckles) Oh, God." "Pastor Tudor." "I couldn't agree more." "Matthew 21:12... uh, Jesus threw out thieves and robbers." "Sometimes you gotta cleanse the temple." "I'm a little thrown." "I've never seen you undressed." "Well, he wanted to do a little research for his sermon, so I'm treating him to dinner." "Oh." "If you'll excuse me, gotta see a man about a horse." "Well, you know where it is. (Chuckles)" "No, I mean I gotta talk to Bubba Richardson about buying his horse." "Sermon research?" "Here?" "About what?" "Uh, communication in relationships." "Seems like a lot of married men. (Chuckles)" "Married guys love coming here, and it ain't for the food." "Well, it's all about sex." "Um, can I get you another beer?" "Uh, appetizer?" "I'm finding people have a hard time talking about sex." "Don't you?" "No, not at all." "(Chuckles) I've been watching you, ever since you moved to town." "You've got such grace under pressure." "You're good with difficult people." "The way you handled those drunks tonight... that... that was just perfect." "Look, I'm sure you get a lot of propositions here, but I'll bet you've never gotten one like this." "And then he offered me a job... church secretary." "I start tomorrow." "Church secretary is the worst job in the world." "How can that be?" "(Chuckles)" "All I do is answer the phone and deal with the church stuff and help pastor Tudor, who I like." "Yeah, but you work nights." "Now you'll be working days." "Yeah." "When am I gonna get to see you?" "(Whispers) I'll squeeze you in." "(Sighs)" "All right." "I... are you sure you're ready for this?" "(Whispers) I think so." "(Chuckles)" "(Chuckles)" "Maybe we should talk." "Pastor Tudor was saying that communication about sex is key. (Sighs)" "(Both panting)" "Mm." "(Both chuckle)" "(Door closes)" "Hey, hey, hey!" "I've been noticing how dark it is down here in the guesthouse, and I've been meaning to bring this lamp, so you could have more light for reading and... (Click) Well-lit activities." "Sis, got company." "I know that, silly." "My security cameras don't miss a thing." "(Chuckles) Gotta watch out for unwelcome intruders." "Barn door's open." "(Laughs) Okay." " To be continued." " Ohh." " Carlene." " Mm." " As always." " Mm-hmm." "(Gasps) Oh, was I..." "Did y'all..." "What qualifies you to carry our child?" "Oh, well, I'm a triathlete." "I'm vegan." "I've only eaten organic for the last 11 years, and I just love the idea of helping an infertile couple find joy." " Oh, we are not infertile." "(Chuckles)" " No." "I am just not in a position to give up alcohol, sushi, or grabbing stimulus dollars for nine months." "You gotta be on your toes for that one." "Mm-hmm. (Chuckles)" "Uh, Emma, you took a year off between hockaday and S.M.U." " Mm." " Could you tell us why?" "Oh, that was just for the election." "(Chuckles)" "I campaigned for Obama." "We'll be in touch." "Bye-bye now." "(Mouths word)" "Well... (Sighs) That's it." "The last of our a-list applicants." "We have to widen our search, baby." "(File clatters)" "We might have to go outside Texas." "No." "We agreed we would not lower our standards." "Maybe there just isn't anyone good enough to carry our baby." "Hey." "Hey." "That is not my girl." "Now we'll find somebody." "Don't you give up hope." "Can I warm up your coffee?" "Nah." "How about I top off your tater tots?" "(Clangs)" "No, I'm trying to cut back, maintain control." "Did you know that Blake only eats egg whites ever?" "Oh, poor Cricket." "All those yolks gone to waste." "(Clears throat)" "Anything else you'd like?" "Yeah, can you give me a little bit of that brown, crunchy sugar?" "Zack Peacham, you notice my jeans right now!" "Hey." "They don't even look like pajama bottoms." "They even got a zipper and everything." "I haven't been able to fit into these bad girls for five years, and I owe it all to the holy word." "Is that fish?" "Mm-hmm." "Lemon-grilled, just like Jesus served at Galilee." "At 8:00 in the morning?" "Well, it's the only breakfast food that's mentioned in the scriptures." "When I was volunteering for pastor Tudor," "I came across this book, "Foods of the Bible."" "The holy land was filled with high fiber and low carb, but you have to be careful of new testament entrees." "They break a lot of bread." "For lunch, I'm doing ground lamb, which my research shows was served at the wedding of King David." "What'd they eat for dessert?" "Nothing good, so what I've done is," "I've put a sweet Bible verse in each basket." "Genesis 9:3..." ""every moving thing that liveth shall be food for you."" "And then each basket is inspired by the one built by Jochebed to float baby Moses down the Nile." "Sharon, you might just be on to something." "I don't recall any fat people in the Bible." "I know, right?" "(Rings)" "(Clears throat) Accountants." "(Sighs)" "Everything okay?" "Yeah." "Gotta go." "Basically, you just keep my schedule, oversee booking the church facilities for events, and here's the real, uh, challenge of a church secretary..." "I must always be accessible to my congregation, but I also have to have time for pastoral concerns..." " uh, to write sermons." " Mm-hmm." "You gotta have the wisdom of Solomon and the patience of Job." "(Chuckles) It can get kinda tricky." "Hey, I worked Boobylicious after the Texas-O.U. game." "Nothing scares me." "I served 18 months in Iraq." "Some of ladies around here do." "(Carlene, Cricket, and Sharon speak indistinctly)" "Oh." "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda. (Chuckles) Oh." "I just keep walking in on you in the most unnatural situations." "(Amanda chuckles)" "Amanda's the newest addition to my staff." "She's working for you?" "You're paying Amanda to do what you got from me for free?" "It's the way of the world, darlin'." "Way of the world." "(Sighs) What can we do for you, ladies?" " We?" "(Chuckles)" " Mm-hmm." "John..." "Sharon, Cricket, and I have just returned from the Women of the Church Outreach Committee meeting, and we are bursting with ideas we're dying to share with you. (Sighs)" "Blake and I would like to establish a scholarship for young, unwed mothers." "We already have an aid program for unwed mothers." "But our program would be for unwed mothers who aren't pregnant yet." "They need to be from the best families with a minimum score of 2,300 on their S.A.T.s." "Gettin' pregnant would be part of the program." "That makes no sense, Cricket." "It makes sense to Blake and me, and we're writing the check." "Oh, and, John... (Grunts) Do you remember my "condos for Christian living,"" "which I was forced to relocate?" "Well, uncle Burl has just returned from unincorporated Juarez with some very exciting news... (Whispers) I'm dying to share with you." "Carlene... (Sighs)" "You know how many laws you'd be breaking selling apartments only to christians?" "Not in Mexico." "Stay in your lane, sweetie." "I've lost weight." "Can you tell?" "Okay, ladies." "The pastor needs to work on his sermon now." "(Carlene, Cricket, and Sharon speaking indistinctly)" "Ladies!" "I have a topic." "In fact, it was kinda inspired by a conversation I had with Amanda." "Me?" "I see." "I'm sure she's a bottomless pit..." "Of inspiration." "But I doubt she's ever gone down a whole dress size 'cause of the Bible." " Let's go." " Ladies, give a call, and we'll get a time on the books." " Uh..." "(Scoffs)" " Uh..." " I have never..." " It's time to go." "(Women speaking indistinctly)" "Uh..." "God be with you, ladies!" "(Chuckles)" "Whew." "♪" "GCB 1x07" " Sex is Divine Original air date April 8, 2012" "So, kids, that's what it means when we say it's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven." "(Cricket and Carlene mouth words)" "Now off you go to Sunday school." "The rest of the youth, go enjoy tweens and teens fellowship." "(Indistinct conversations)" "So it's just us grown-ups now, right?" "(Door closes)" "'Cause this message is adults-only." "People who've seen the sermon board this week have asked, "what is divine?"" "I'll tell you." "Sex is divine." "(Congregation murmuring)" "(Lowered voice) Inspired by Amanda." "(Lowered voice) Surprise, surprise." "Sex is a gift from God." "He created it to strengthen the union between two people who love each other, to increase their intimacy, improve their communication." "But look around at the world today." "Are we making the best use of God's gift?" "I wonder." "I want to try an experiment for all you committed couples out there." "I'm talkin' married or otherwise entwined." "Now everyone here is an adult, so you can determine if this exercise is for you." "Here's my assignment." "From today till next Sunday," "I'm challenging you all to have sex with your partner once a day, every single day." "Touch each other." "Look into each other's eyes and souls." "Truly share one another, and let's see what happens." "(Bells tolling)" "So I was thinkin', for our next date, maybe we don't go to my sister's house." "And we don't go to my house. (Chuckles)" "(Chuckles) Way too much Gigi." "And there's my kids." "I mean, they've never even seen me with another man." "I don't even know how they feel about it." "Will they think that I'm bringing home a new stepdad," " or will they think that I'm just..." " O... okay." "Slow down." "Slow down there, light speed." "We're just talkin' a date." "That's it." "I know." "I know." "Sorry. (Chuckles)" "I obviously bring a lot of baggage, and sometimes it just rolls away from me." "Listen, I'll tell you what. (Sighs)" "I'm heading back to Austin for a few days." "When I get back," "I'm gettin' us a suite at The Ritz... room service, "do not disturb" on the door." "We can check in under a fictitious name that Carlene can't figure out." "Ohh." "(Chuckles) Mwah." "(Inhales and exhales deeply)" "Tudor's sermon got me thinking about" " our little surrogate issue." "(Lowered voice)" " Shh." "(Lowered voice) And I realized there's only one womb that's good enough to carry our progeny." "Taylor Swift is not from Texas." "I'm talkin' about you." "Why outsource when we can go in-house?" "We did it the old-fashioned way once." "This dream team can repeat." "Are you talking about... you and me... doing what comes naturally?" "Why not?" "We're fabulous." "I think you understand better than anyone just how complicated that proposition is." "Last time, it was the '90s." "We were young and drunk." "Hello." " Hi there." " Hi." "Things have changed." "Not everything's changed." "I still love you, Crick." "We can do this." "I'm in if you are." "Then let's kick this pig." "(Both chuckle)" "Hey, did you hear about the sermon?" "I don't know why everybody's weirding out. (Chuckles)" "Who cares how many times married people do it?" "Wait." "Is it just old people?" "I'm not sure about the details... (Chuckles)" "But pastor Tudor knows what's up." "Totally." "He's pretty awesome." "Churro?" "(Chuckles and crunches)" "(Indistinct conversations)" "(Heather) When I saw this property, Burl," "I thought of you." "Now you know that I would never pressure you, but full disclosure..." "I just booked another showing for this evening, so if you love it, you better jump on it." "It's gonna go fast." "(Rings)" "Oh." "Excuse me. (Beep)" "Heather Cruz." "Talk to me." "(Lowered voice) You like it?" "(Sighs)" "Good bones, nice land, great party flow." "You don't think the leather floors are too much?" "(Chuckles) For a man with stingray hide on the walls of his yacht?" "No, Burl." "It's your style all the way." "(Laughs)" "Can you see yourself here?" "I'm imagining some very neighborly visits..." "Sleepovers, even..." "A medicine cabinet filled with a standing supply of very expensive eye cream, which you shall never see me apply." "But do you love it?" "Could you be happy here?" "(Chuckles) It's your house, Burl." "You're the one who has to be happy here." "Yeah, but I wouldn't be without you." "What are we talking about here?" "Are you asking me to move in?" "Lord, no." "No, I-I would never." "I... (Chuckles) I would never ask you to spend the night unless... (Inhales deeply)" "I was gonna wait for the right time, the perfect time, but Heather's right." "When you find what you want, you have got to jump." "Jumping's the other way." "You've dropped down." "Marry me, Gigi." "(Both panting)" "That pastor Tudor is one smart man." "Yeah, sex is so damn divine." " It's amazing." " Whew." "Where did you learn to do that thing that you just did?" "Well, uh... sometimes when... when things are slow at work," "I watch movies that are... kinda adult." "And things have been really slow lately." "Oh." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I..." "I..." "I shouldn't have said that." "I..." "I'm sorry." "I..." "I f..." "I'm kinda embarrassed now. (Chuckles)" "Oh, it's okay." "If they... teach you to do... that," "I'm not opposed to educational films." "What else have you learned?" "Well... (Clears throat) there was this one move that this lady archaeologist did in "Romancing The Bone"..." " Mmm!" " Mmm." "(Don Derby) ♪ Hey, babe, whatcha say?" "♪" "♪ let's go down and roll in the hay, come on!" "♪" "(Spritzing)" "♪ Hey, babe, whatcha say?" "♪" "♪ let's go down and... ♪ (Beep)" "All right." "♪ I was thinking maybe we can get crazy ♪" "♪ just you and me, baby ♪" "It's showtime." "♪ I'm your man, you're my girl ♪" "That's good." "So... where do we start?" " You don't know Tae Kwon Do?" " Mnh-mnh." "Let's try massage." "No eye contact." " Ooh, I like rules." " Mm." " All right, that good?" " Okay." "Yeah." " Mm-hmm." "That all right?" " Mm-hmm." "(Giggles)" "No giggling'." "Giggling is not hot." "Well, I am ticklish there, remember?" "No, I don't remember." "I'm sorry, honey." "Um, you know, you wanna try lying down?" "On my front or back?" "Well, w... uh..." "I guess, for you, on your back." "That'd... okay." "(Giggles)" "Giggling." "Sorry." "Keep going." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Mmm." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." " Can I ask you a question?" " Oh, come on now." "Cricket, I am trying to get in the mood." "I just can't stop wondering, what are you into?" "(Sighs) What you wanna know?" "Okay." "All right." "Let's say sex was a... was a football game." "Where are you during the snap?" "Do you play offense or defense?" "Depends on the game." "Fascinating." "You know, this sports metaphor's kind of doing it for me." "That right?" "You wanna kickoff or should I?" "I will flip you for it." "(Laughs) Oh, Crick." "This is harder than I thought." "Yeah, or not." "(Both laugh)" "Ohh!" "Oh!" "Oh." "There ain't gonna be any dancing in the end zone tonight." "Nope." "Burl proposed?" "(Gasps) What did you say?" "I said, "get up off your knee before you hurt yourself."" "Then I said I'd have to think about it." "Oh, mama." "Uh..." "Burl is crazy about you, and you are crazy about him." "Why didn't you just say yes?" "I have been "not married" as long as I was married." "I like "not married" just fine." "I'm not gonna rush into anything again just because some man hands me something sparkly." "Okay." "Well, maybe it is a little fast, but you two both love each other." "Why you have to beat around the bush?" "I just don't like feeling pressured to make big decisions." "I don't even buy a car without a test-drive... (Whispers) especially a stick shift." "(Click) Mother." "What?" "It's an important part of any relationship." "I'm just taking my cues from the pastor." "You can thank him tomorrow for inspiring me." "(Ace of Base's "The Sign" playing)" "Ohh!" "(Pants)" " Ooh!" "(Panting)" " Look at us." "(Sighs) Oh!" " You play some Ace of Base on the radio..." " Huh." "and it's like high school all over again." "(Sighs)" "Do you think I'm fat?" "What?" "No, you are not." "You are better than me." "Oh." "I mean... no." "You... you try so hard to make us work, and I just... let things slip." "I mean, I... let my body go." "I let our marriage go." "I let my..." "What?" "No." "Don't stop now." "No, it's weird." "I keep wanting to talk after sex." "It's like I'm turning into a... a woman." "It's beautiful." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "Oh, now." "Mm!" "Mmm. (Moans)" "(Alarm blaring) (Groans)" "She said it inspired her?" "Mm-hmm." "And Gigi's not the only one talking about the sermon." "You have gotten 46 calls since lunch." "Ignoring the 12 from Carlene, that puts us at 16 pro, 18 against." "Nothing brings out the passion of a community like controversy." "Okay." "Time to get my fingers a-dialing." "Excuse me?" "I'm from the 2:00 land of milk and mommies breast-feeding class, and Carlene Cockburn just kicked us out of the fellowship hall." "Ah, ah." "What's going on in here, Carlene?" "Yes!" "In light of the pastor's sermon," "I decided our community's youth needed a pure influence." "So I founded Hillside Park Purity Pioneers." "(Laughs) Or H.P.P.P." "Pioneers... come, come." "I want you to read your pledges." "Ready?" "Landry?" "Son?" "You can start." " Hello, Mrs. V." " Landry!" "As a purity pioneer, I make a commitment to God, to myself, my family, and to my friends... to my future mate and my future children to a lifetime of purity." "I will refrain from fantasizing, talking about, or have sexual intercourse from this day on until the day I marry... or a thousand years from now, whichever comes first." "Seriously?" "A thousand years?" "Science is very advanced these days... if you believe in that kind of thing." "P.P.s... (Claps hands) Thank you." "Okay, here's the deal." "The fellowship hall was signed up several weeks ago in advance for the land of milk and mommies classes." "I recognize that they usually use the fellowship hall for that." "But I didn't think exposed bosoms were appropriate the first day of my soon-to-be annual purity week." "And the sound of anything suckling is... just gross." "You didn't sign up for the room, so I have to shut you down." " Sorry." " Amanda... (Whispers) Yes?" "Why do you hate purity?" "I don't hate purity." "I'm just a stickler for the rules." "Okay, everybody, out!" "You'll have to pretend sex doesn't exist somewhere else." "I..." "I never imagined that I'd be persecuted inside my own church!" "Oh, stop being so dramatic." "Dramatic?" "I have a right to be here." "Do you?" "Where is it carved in stone that this room belongs to you?" "See?" "You can't kick me out." "Paper covers rock." "You have five minutes to clear up or I'll call security." "(Scoffs)" "(Key jangle)" "(Singsongy) Oh, Zack." "(Click)" "Sharon?" "I went online today and I watched "Romancing The Bone."" "Fascinatingly naughty." "Sharon... (Chair thuds)" "I have been waiting for you to come home all night so we can do a little archaeological digging." "Now what... (Briefcase thuds) is so important... (Keys clatter) at work that's keeping you away from your loving, lovely wife?" "Big day, big deals." "Super savings spectacular. (Mouths word)" "All 2011 models must go." "Well, I called your secretary, and she said things were quiet." "I can't." "I'm afraid." "You have a fearsome power over me in bed, and it's just too much." "(Blows air)" "Ohh." "Mmm." "(Both moan)" "Zack, you know how you've been all warm and open after sex and wanna talk about your feelings and your needs and your wants?" "Makes you wanna barf, right?" "No!" "It's just the opposite." "Makes me wanna open up to you, too." "And I've just been thinking, well, now there's something missing in our family." "And, you know," "Bozeman and Mckinney are gonna be gone soon, and I'd really like to have a... outdoor pizza oven." "And that way, I can bake like the israelites." "(Exhales deeply)" "And I think we could do it for about $50,000." "Or I could just get a new blender." "You know... (Grunts)" "I would shower you with diamonds and pizza ovens and gold-plated blenders if I could, but I just can't." "We're in the hole." "What do you mean?" "I'm not the only NFL vet selling cars in Dallas anymore." "The... damn fullback from the Texans has been poaching all my business." "I mean..." "The Texans." "Come on!" "The dealership is going under." "Oh, my lord." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have said anything to you." "(Sighs deeply) No, but after sex, you can't help yourself." "Oh, it just feels so good to get it off my chest." "(Sighs)" "And what are those?" "A very natural and very expensive solution to our reproductive problems, courtesy of Dr. Wang of Lijiang, Yunnan Province." "That's China." "I'm listening." "You're looking at a mixture of 14 herbs, 16 minerals, shark pheromones, and an orchid everybody thinks is extinct." "Apparently, we won't be able to keep our hands off each other." "Let's take these babies and make us some babies." "Why is it so hot in here?" "I've got the air set to frigid." "(Gasps) God, I am so thirsty." "I don't get it." "They're organic." "They give 'me to pandas to get 'em to breed!" "If this is what it takes for pandas to hump, no wonder they're almost extinct!" "Don't yell at me!" "I'm just trying to get us in the mood!" "What are you doing to help?" "I am trying not to have an aneurysm!" "(Plastic bottle crinkles)" "Mm." "Ugh!" "I need to drink the Gulf of Mexico!" "(Panting)" "Ahh!" "(Gasps)" "I do not... feel sexy." "Burl, darling." "Where are you?" "Push your plate back and come see for yourself." "Gigi Stopper, you are... beautiful." "But what are you doing?" "Why don't you come on up here?" "And I think you'll figure it out." "Oh, I take one step in your direction, it's gonna be hanky-panky all the way." "What about your grandkids?" "Laura's sleeping over with a friend." "Will's got headphones and a new wraparound plasma screen TV." "And never say the word "grandkids"" "to a welcoming woman in a negligee." "What about Amanda?" "Out." "What about my proposal?" "You know I need a little more time on that, Burl." "(Chuckles) I like my life." "I like sharing it with you, exclusively, intimately." "Can't that be enough for now?" "No." "I believe what we could have, what we could do, what... what I... (Chuckles)" "I could do to you right now belongs in a marriage." "And I believe it belongs to us to do with as we choose, respectfully... (Whispers) lovingly." "I think you should stop right there before I surrender to temptation." "And I think you should get up here right now before I change my mind." "(Chuckles)" "What's the worse thing that could happen?" "(Chuckles)" "Oh, yeah." "Burl." "(Laughs)" "Burl." "(Groans)" "Burl!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Heavens!" "(Siren wailing, police radio chatter)" "Burl?" "I'll see you at the hospital!" "You hear me, Burl Lourd?" "I'll see you real soon!" "I'll see you real soon." "Hey, mom." "Hey, honey." "What are you wearing?" "Oh, this?" "Miss Carlene gave it to me." " You've gotta be kidding me." " Why?" "What's the big deal?" "The big deal is you becoming a purity pioneer." "What are you thinking?" "(Scoffs) I was thinking my mother wouldn't care if I joined an organization that promoted abstinence." "I don't mind abstinence." "It just has to go hand in hand with education." "Carlene's organization isn't interested in that." "Alexandra and Mckinney asked me to join." "If I said no, I'd wind up in popularity jail." "Okay, but, honey, you know... we can talk about sex if you want." "I was a teenage mom." "Let me be an example for you." "Don't take this the wrong way..." "I don't wanna talk about your sex life when you were my age, now, or ever." "I have a pioneer meeting to go to." "Excuse me." "(Gigi) What is that you're eating?" "Beans, rice, melted cheese, and some very salty meat." "I had a glitch in my pacemaker." "Doctors give it a twist or a jolt or whatever they do, and I'm fine." "Well, thank the good lord... and the desk nurse who told me you'd checked out." "I know you're mad, Burl, and I was wrong and pigheaded and clinging to my independence when what I would've been doing was holding on to you." "The answer is yes." "Answer to what?" "Your proposal." "(Chuckles) You're just saying yes because of my bum ticker." "It's a pity yes." "It's not a pity yes." "It's a real yes." "And just the other day, it was, "I need more time."" "You know when I say that, Gigi?" "During business negotiations when I have respect for my opponent but not the deal." "It means "no."" "Burl... how can I count on you?" "(Chuckles) You're here, worried about my heart, and you don't even know your own." "Proposal's off the table." "Then so is this." "You can share your new home and your new grotto with whoever you please, but not a gordita." "Believe it or not, I care about you, and I will not have you eating your way into an early grave." "There's more where that came from." "But there's only one me." "(Utensils clatter)" "Honey, I need you to set that box of props out in the hall." "And open this up." "I need a good flow past the "perils of promiscuity" attraction." "Ripp!" "Carlene, why did you suck my daughter into your creepy celibacy club?" "I can handle sex educating my teen, thank you very much." "Kind of busy here." " What..." " Ripp, darling, that goes outside so we can welcome our visitors." "That's where it was goin', kitten." "(Giggles)" "What the hell is a heck house?" "It is a realistic representation of the consequences of premarital promiscuity designed to send our community's youth down a righteous path." "Now I'm bussing in kids from all over the city to witness the horrors of teenage sex." "The mormons call this H-E-double hockey sticks house, but I'm not that liberal." "Get on about yourself." "Oh, hi!" " Let me see." "Let me see." " Hi!" "(Chuckles) What is this about?" "Oh, Carlene asked Bozeman to represent gonorrhea, the silent killer." "And kudos on Bozeman's hickey makeup, Sharon." "It's so realistic." "Makeup?" "I didn't... (Clicks tongue and scoffs)" "Bozeman!" "I'll just go wait with the other S.T.D.s." "Let me get this straight." "You are trying to scare our children into being celibate?" "Where would you like this, kitten?" ""Roofie nightmare." (Scoffs)" "Okay, okay." "If you want to fill your kid's mind with horror stories, that is up to you..." " Where are my girls?" " ...but leave mine out of it." " Shh." " Oh, my God." " Ohh!" "And here are our little streetwalkers!" " Huh?" "It was so sweet of you to loan them your clothes, Heather." "Do all whores wear couture?" "Oh, is she playing our madam?" "Good idea, Alexandra." "Perfect casting." "I... you should get to makeup." "Makeup, makeup." "We got Heather comin', makeup." "Shove it, Carlene." "This is for charity." "I'm not a whore." "Okay, you know what?" "Carlene, all you're doing here is demonizing sex, making it out to be something horrible and dirty." "Why can't we just be honest with them about how to prevent these things?" "Oh, Amanda, sweet Amanda, this is America." "Fear works better." "Oh, my God, Carlene." "(Carlene) Girls, hang that outside." "Carlene." "You said you were holding a simple seminar on the ramifications of premarital sex." "I appreciate the message, but this is extreme." "I'm not exactly sure what kind of secretarial influence Amanda has you under, but with all due respect, after your sermon last Sunday," "I don't think anything is too extreme when it comes to the safety and future of our children." "I'm not telling you how to raise your kids." " Good." " I'm just telling you, you can't recreate Sodom and Gomorrah in here." "Take this all down, please." "Thank you very much, pastor Tudor." " I hardly think this is Sodom and Gomorrah, John." " Laura, you're coming home!" "Girls, please put some clothes on." " You're going into herpes." " Are you..." " No, that's crabs." " Laura, you're coming home with... (curtain rings swoosh)" " Um..." "(Carlene)" " Landry!" "Laura!" "Hey, mom. (Chuckles)" "(Amanda and Carlene gasp)" "You here to gloat?" "(Sighs) No, Carlene." "I don't think either one of us wants our kids having sex." "At least we caught them before it could go very far." "What difference does it make?" "Clearly my message didn't sink in." "My son is headed down the path toward being one of... (Whispering) those boys, and your daughter... she's gonna be one of those girls." "(Normal voice) I guess this isn't shocking to you." "(Chuckles) I came in here to try to find some common ground with you, but I am so sick of you saying I am a fallen woman." "Do you want to know what?" "I have only ever had sex with one man... my husband Bill." "So not even with Luke?" "Not yet." "Well, I guess I misjudged you." "Maybe it's the way you dress." "We're not so different." "I mean, you've only ever been with Ripp." "You... you... have only ever been with Ripp, right?" "(Whispers) Ohh." "(Mouths words and inhales deeply)" "I cannot tell a lie in church." "(Lowered voice) Before I came into the fold," "I... sinned a little bit." "(Echoing voice) A lot!" "(Gasps)" "(Lowered voice) There was a time in my youth when I needed affirmation, and I sought it in all the wrong places." " I can't believe it." " Let me be clear." "Only my beloved husband has ever gotten to home plate, but there are boys that made it to other bases." "Some even ran around in the outfield a bit." "Oh, I really, really can't believe it." "I guess when I heard the pastor's speech, my past came flooding back." "I would give anything to keep young ladies like your Laura from making my mistakes." "See, I wish she could hear that story." "I think that would mean a whole lot more to her than a heck house full of fake scares." "Then why don't you tell her what you've gone through?" "You know kids." "They can't hear the truth if it comes from their own parents." " Don't I know it?" " Right?" "Try as I might to scare Landry onto the right path, he just won't take me seriously." "You know what?" "We might be able to help each other out." "Heather?" "You here?" "No." "She asked you to come over as a favor to me." "Well, I guess I'm not signing any closing documents today." "(Sighs) I should go, Gigi." "We've said everything there is to say." "Come on, Burl." "You think I go runnin' around willy-nilly, asking women to marry me, hmm?" "You know, it's not something I take lightly." "I know I hurt your pride, but there's no reason to let that or my stubbornness get in the way." "I love ya." "You know that, so here's how it's gonna work." "At your discretion, you are going to ask me to marry you again." "This time I will say yes without hesitation and not out of pity, because I know a perfect thing when I see it." "Fine." "I returned the ring." "Fine." "We'll go up a carat." "(Both laughing)" "Now how about that hanky-panky?" "You're on." "My son obviously likes you." "(Chuckles)" "It feels good when a boy likes you, doesn't it?" "It sure does. (Chuckles)" "Be careful." "It's a dangerous time when you're young and your hormones aren't in pill form." "(Inhales deeply) Here goes." "Carlene Cockburn... cautionary tale." "Mrs. Vaughn?" "I heard you wanted to see me." "(Clicks switch)" "Landry." "Cort Highlander was the first boy that ever asked me out." "Sophomore dance." "(Chuckles)" "God hadn't seen fit to sculpt me into the porcelain perfection that I am now." "Oh, I wanted Cort to like me so much that after the dance, we went behind the bleachers, and I let him stick his..." "(Whispers indistinctly)" "(Whispers) Really?" "Twice." "(Gasps)" "(Clicks)" "You know about my husband, right?" "Uh, that money guy who died?" "Did you know he started out as a QB1 for the Hillside High Hornets..." "your very same position?" "He had quite a bright future until he got his girlfriend pregnant and ran off to California with her." "(Clicks tongue)" "Are you talking about you?" "Mm." "Then there was Jack Massey, a senior." "Alls we did was go to the Burger Shack, but right there... in the parking lot..." "Oh, uh, I don't know what happened to my self-esteem." "I slid... (Whispers indistinctly)" "(Gasps) Ohh." "No way." "It takes two hands to handle a whopper." "I wasn't much older than you when I had Laura." "God, how Bill must have felt, married to his high school sweetheart, and staring down the barrel of the rest of his life." "I don't have a daughter, Laura, but if I did," "I'd tell her exactly what I'm telling you right now." "Honey, you don't want a boy like Landry to dump you when he's done with you, and you don't want the boys' Varsity Lacrosse team to call you... (Whispers indistinctly)" "Oval office?" "(Voice breaks) I know." "(Exhales deeply)" "Do you know what the problem was?" "Bill never got a chance to sow his wild oats before becoming a dad, and do you know how he dealt with it?" "He cheated on me with my best friend, and then he cheated his investors, and then he got his junk bitten off, and then he died." "Oh, that's... dude, that's wrong." "(Chuckles) Isn't it?" "(Sighs) Ohh." "So you and Laura... you two gonna take it slow or what?" "Yes, ma'am." "Hi, honey." "Did you and miss Carlene have a good talk?" "Wonderful." "Landry, say good night." "(Door closes)" "(Crassus) Do you steal, Antoninus?" "(Antoninus) No, master." "(Water splashing)" "Do you lie?" "(Clatters)" "I like your style." " Mm." " Hit me." "Not if I can avoid it." "I must have watched "Spartacus" 100 times." "(Chuckles) I've watched it 200 times." "(Chuckles) You think they really fought wars like this in olden days, all naked and oiled up?" "Yes, master." "It's a good look. (Chuckles)" "Mm. (Chuckles)" "(British accent) - "Do you eat oysters?"" " Do you eat oysters?" "When I have them, master." "(British accent) - "Do you eat snails?"" " Do you eat snails?" "(Chuckles)" "No, master." " "Do you consider..."" " Do you consider..." " "The eating of oysters..."" " The eating of oysters..." " "To be moral..."" " To be moral, and the eating of snails..." " "and the eating of snails to be immoral?" - to be immoral?" "No, master." "Of course not." " "It's all a matter..."" " It is all a matter" " of taste, isn't it?" " "of taste."" " "And taste is not the same..."" " And taste is not the same" " as appetite..." " "as appetite..."" " and therefore..." " "therefore, it's not a question..."" " not a question of morals." " "of morals."" " "My taste includes..."" " My taste includes..." ""both snails..."" "both snails and oysters." ""and..."" "♪" ""oysters."" "I... am..." "Spartacus." "(Panting)" " Mm." " Mm." "(Dish clatters, candy rattles)" "(Crying)" "Zack?" "Zack, what's wrong?" "Oh, Zack." "We don't need a pizza oven." "I am so sorry for everything I've done." "I've never meant to use God's gift of postcoital conversation as a weapon." "Sharon." "I lost 5 pounds. (Chuckles)" "(Gasps)" "(Chuckles)" "(Chuckles)" "It's those blessed meals of yours." "I've been eatin' 'em, and... and I haven't even cheated, because they're so filling, and the raisin loaf is actually a satisfying dessert." "(Gasps) Well, it's what Abigail gave David to appease his anger." "It helped me realize that..." "we're gonna be okay." "Who needs to sell cars when you've got these?" "I mean, they taste good." "They work, and... (sniffles) they've got a message." "Proverbs 15:17..." ""it's better to be invited to herbs with love"" ""than to a fatted calf"" ""with hatred." (Mouths words)" "It means you... you don't need food when you have love." "Oh, congratulations on dropping 5 pounds, and I think it is wonderful that we are both losing weight with Jesus." "Sharon, we've got a business." "We can sell these things." "I..." "I know we can." "W..." ""Losin' it with Jesus"... (Exhales deeply)" "(Whispers) is our future." ""Losin' it with Jesus."" "(Whispers) I love it!" "I love it!" " And I love you!" " I love you!" "Oh!" "(Chuckles) Mwah." "Ohh." "Ohh!" "(Laughs)" "(Sighs)" "I knew I shouldn't have worn the cuff links." "(Both chuckle)" "Oh." "Sorry." "I... (Chuckles)" "I started to get dressed up, and then I realized, I..." "I don't know if I'm ready for this." "Okay." "Well, I..." "look, this..." "this room was very expensive, so we... might as well talk in it." "(Closes door)" "I had an illuminating chat with your sister about being honest when it comes to sex, and the truth is, I've only ever been with one man, and jumping into bed with you terrifies me." "(Sighs) Oh, my God." "That came out wrong." "I'm s..." "I would love to jump into bed with you." "That came out wrong, too." " I'm so sorry." " No, no." " A..." "Amanda." " I'm just..." "Amanda, it's okay." "I get it." "You do?" "Yeah." "Yeah, we can wait as long as you want." "Look, if all... all we do tonight is wear those comfy robes, order room service, and watch pay-per-view, that's fine with me." "You're worth the wait, and waiting actually sounds good," "I mean, because your revelation... it kinda ups the stakes for me to be extremely satisfying and worth it, so... it's all right." "Thank you." "Ohh. (Pants)" "But I'm done waiting." "Well, that was easy." "Shut up."