"I just finished my last final ever." "Whoo-hoo!" "Your diploma." "Can you keep it down?" "Some of us are studying." "Hey!" "Should we keep it down for the studier?" "No!" "The people have spoken." "I love the democratic process." "God bless America!" "Dude, I mean it." "It got to focus." "My poli-sci final is the last of the time slots." "It's Friday at 3:00." "Oh, man, that's cold." "Hey, since when have you cared about finals?" "Since it's the final final of my entire school career." "After this, I am never taking a test again." "Except those Internet quizzes to find out which Power Ranger I am." "So I want to go out strong." "So I've been studying like I've never studied before." "'Cause I have never studied before." "No, you have not." "I had no idea there were all these great ways to remember stuff." "You know, highlighting, study groups, reading the material." "I just really want to do well." "It's a matter of pride, so could you maybe," "I don't know, just show a little respect?" "All right, man." "I got you." "Yo, everybody!" "Can we give the guy a break?" "Let's cut it down with all that joy!" "Thank you." "Don't need any more distractions." "Whoo-hoo!" "I'm done!" "Oh!" "Let's go celebrate." "Take me somewhere fun." "Lex, I can't." "You know I got to study." "What?" "You were serious about that?" "Yeah." "But I'm not gonna see you all summer." "It's just one more exam." "I promise we'll have time to hang before you go on your fancy Caribbean yacht trip." "It's not a yacht." "It's just a 75-foot catamaran." "And it's not like we have a whole crew or anything." "It's just the captain, the purser, and the chef." "That's it." "And for breakfast, we're totally on our own." "Mm." "Well, just so you know..." "When you pour your cereal, you tilt the box like this." "Okay, okay." "Go study." "I don't want to get in your way." "Okay." "Whoo-hoo!" "I am done!" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "Are you freaking kidding me?" "What, is it the power company again?" "We've done everything short of paying them." "No, the Prairie Scouts put the wrong number on the curb." "They came by yesterday." "I gave them 5 bucks to redo it, and they put the Donahues' number instead of ours." "Why'd you let them take us for 5 bucks?" "The old number looked fine." "Well, they said it needed to be brighter so that emergency vehicles could see it at night." "You know those Prairie Scouts and their scare tactics." "I guess you better get them back here." "How the hell do you track down Prairie Scouts?" "We're just gonna have to fix it ourselves." "Put it on the list." "Whoo-hoo!" "I'm done!" "Hey." "Didn't you hear me?" "I said, "Whoo."" "And I said, "Hoo."" "Did you take your last final?" "Yeah." "Think I aced it." "Well, then, why aren't you rejoicing?" "This isn't the Sue I know." "The Sue I know would be singing "Celebration"" "into a hair brush right now." "Why such a sad panda?" "Pbht." "I don't know." "It's just, like, every year at the end of the year," "I look back to see how well I completed the goals I set for myself, but this year, when I look back, it just feels like the year was kind of "meh."" "Wow, this is serious." "I've never heard you" ""meh" about anything." "I know, right?" "But the "meh" kind of fits." "I almost got kicked out of school for not paying." "I didn't join any new clubs." "I broke up with two guys." "Maybe it was my fault because I didn't label it." "I mean, my second Year of Sue was my best Year of Sue, and my first was my second, so I thought this would be my first, but it turns out it's my third." "Actually, you know what?" "I can't even call this a Year of Sue." "If I had to label it," "I would call it a Sue Sue So-So Sophomore Slump." "Judge, I object!" "I submit this year's been fun." "Has it?" "You crapped out at NYU." "You got food poisoning three times." "And your roommate is in ROTC, and you're scared of him." "Also slightly attracted to him." "Face it." "Things are kind of sucky." "We're not going back to Dollywood because "Ramblin' Jack's Banjo Review"" "wanted to go in a "different direction,"" "which apparently just means a direction away from us." "I am gonna be working at Spudsy's all summer, and you're gonna be doing hot-tar roofing with your dad." "How has "whoo-hoo" gone to "boo-hoo" so quickly?" "Whoo-hoo!" "Save it." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Frankie, why we getting HBO?" "You didn't upgrade our cable, did you?" "Yeah, I did it when I was having the Bentley detailed." "Let's see what else we're getting." "Hey-o." "Yeah." "We're getting all the channels." "Well, I don't know why." "I certainly didn't order them." "I wonder if we're getting..." "No way." "What?" "What?" "We're getting NBA League Pass." "Ooh." "I wonder if we get Hallmark Movies and Mysteries." "That will remain a mystery 'cause I'm not changing the channel." "It might go away." "Mike, come here." "No!" "The microwave is working without holding the hair dryer up to it." "It hasn't done that in years!" "Mom, you won't believe this." "I have the best news." "Cindy just got back from her doctor." "He believes she's stopped growing!" "Wow." "What's going on?" "I mean, free premium channels, the microwave's working, you have a topped-off girlfriend." "You know what this is?" "Mike, you know what this is?" "Timeout." "No." "Don't you see?" "All these good things are happening because we have the Donahues' number on our curb." "The universe is confusing us with the Donahues." " You're nuts." " No, I'm serious." "You think this is a coincidence?" "We've never had three good things happen to us on the same day ever." "Or one." "That's not the way the universe works, Frankie." "We're all born with a crap sandwich." "Some people get a big one." "Others get a small one." "You eat your way through it, and then you're dead." "Oh, yeah?" "Okay, fine." "I'll prove it to you." "Ha!" "Not rancid." "Huh." "Finally, after two kindergartens, five years of grade school, three years of junior high, four years of high school, and four years of college," "Axl was ready for his final final of his final year." "Hey." "You got get out of here so I can lock up the room." "Uh, there's supposed to be a final in here in 15 minutes." "America and the Cold War?" "That was at 9:00 this morning." "I'm getting hungry." "What are we doing for dinner?" "Oh, sorry, Brick." "I didn't even think about it." "I've been microwaving popcorn all day." "Well, can we order something?" "I'm starving." " Me, too." " Yeah." "Me, too." "Got your eight pizzas." "Uh, we didn't order any pizza." "Well, I got eight pies, half pineapple, half pepperoni, for "Johnson."" "Okay." "We're not Johnson." "Yeah." "You know what?" "I'm sick of this." "It's another one of those stupid teenage pranks." "That's it." "I've had it." "I quit." "Here." "You can just keep these." "They're yours." "We just got eight free pizzas!" "Hey, Professor Kepley." "Axl Heck." "I'm in your America and the Cold War class?" "You probably don't recognize me 'cause I sat way in the back, but I was always there." "Okay." "Pig in a blanket?" "No, thanks." "Listen." "Here's the thing." "I was supposed to take your final this morning, but, uh, I hit a bit of a snag." "You see, I can't really go into details here, but my dad is actually an astronaut with the International Space Station, and, uh, NASA lost contact with him this morning." "Ah." "They're still trying to decide whether it was a technical error or our enemies in space." "And I can't really say any more for security reasons, but you're in luck, 'cause I could take the test now, and..." "Stop." "I've been a professor for 29 years, and I've heard every excuse." "All of you millennials coming into my office thinking you can get a pass by making up some lame excuse." "Just once, it would be so refreshing if someone were to come in here and tell me the truth." "Okay." "You're right." "You're right." "I'm gonna be honest with you." "I accidentally wrote down the wrong time." "And I am so sorry." "Thank you." "So, can I take the test now?" " No." " What?" "So you won't accept B.S. or honesty?" "I mean, is there a third option I'm missing here?" "Yes, you can take the class again in the fall." "No." "I can't graduate if I get a zero on the final." "I've never said this before in my life..." "Please let me take that test." "You see what's going on here?" "The music, the drink in my hand, the relaxed vibe..." "All of this is to convey an atmosphere of a man who is done... done." "The test was at 9:00." "The students who were prepared showed up at that time." "And now the test is done, and so am I." "See ya." "Axl." "Any news from your dad, the famous astronaut?" "Thanks, buddy." "Mission aborted." "Brad!" "Brad!" "You're not gonna believe this." "Beyoncé released another secret album?" "No." "But we should check." "Orson High e-mailed me." "They want me to come back and speak." "What?" "Seriously?" "Check it out." ""Dear alumni from 2010 to 2016." "We'd like to invite any of you to come back and speak to the members of the class of 2017 to give your thoughts and reflections on your time at Orson High and beyond." "Please contact the front desk to arrange a time." "Signed, The Counseling Office."" "Oh, my God." " What an honor." " I know." "You should do it." "You'd be so perfect." "No one loved Orson High like you did." "You'd have so many great things to say." "And I bet it'd break you out of your Sue Sue So-So Sophomore Slump." "Exactly." "Time for me to leave the pity party." "I have a purpose." "It's giving back to my alma mater." "Wow, Sue." "You're gonna help shape young lives." "What do you think you're gonna tell them?" "Label every year." "Oh." "Mm-hmm." "Guys, guys, guys." "I still have dibs on the TV." "I'm only in here for a minute." "No, no, look." "That bruise I've had for years is gone." "Mom!" "I-I-I checked the other hip, to make sure I wasn't confused, and I still had that one weird spider vein that looks like Lester Holt, but the bruise is gone." "If that's not magical Donahue healing," "I don't know what is." "Sure about that, Frankie?" "We just got something from the IRS." "Oh, boy." "How bad is it?" "We overpayed in 2009." "It's a refund check!" "Are you serious?" "Make sure that's our name on it." "Michael and Frankie Heck." "Oh, yeah!" "You're at my house now?" "Really?" "School's over." "Didn't you pick up on the vibe I was giving off?" "It's summer, brah." "And I can call you brah 'cause I'm not your professor anymore." "Okay, but I..." "Ah." "I don't want to hear it." "No." "No, I'm sorry." "I won't go away!" "You got to hear me out!" "Look, I admit it!" "I screwed up!" "But it was in the context of trying really hard not to screw up!" "Please!" "You can't let me not graduate!" "I am begging for your compassion!" "And I'm not leaving here until you let me take that test!" "Fine." "I can wait." "I got nothing but time!" "Sue couldn't wait to go back to high school and impart her wisdom." "And since she was the only one to reply to the e-mail, she didn't have to." "Hello." "My name is Sue Heck." "Class of 2015." "I am a sophomore at East Indiana State majoring in hospitality and hotel management with a minor in theater." "Mm-hmm." "And I just wanted to say thank you so much for inviting me back to good old Orson High!" "Go Hens!" "Okay." "So, um, let me just start by saying I know how tough high school can be." "You know, you walk into the lunchroom with your tray, and your best friend Carly's sick, and you're like, "Ah, who am I gonna sit with today?"" "What do you mean?" "We all just sit together." "Oh." "Oh, okay." "That's good." "Well, that makes it easy for you." "Because I know socializing in high school can be so hard." "But let me just tell you, it gets a lot easier in college." "I mean, you guys are young now, so there aren't a lot of parties, but when you get to college..." "Um, but we go to parties all the time." "Yeah, pretty much every weekend." "Oh." "Okay." "Well, I guess things have changed since back in my day." "But, you know, it doesn't matter that I didn't go to parties in high school, because my world really opened up in college." "I mean, when I went here," "I had, like, 50 Instagram followers." "But now I have almost 150." "Pretty cool, huh?" "Actually, I have 2,000." "2,000 followers?" "Oh, you like a cheerleader or something?" "No, I'm in cross country." "Cross..." "Uh, anyway, there are so many activities you can do." "Uh, I actually started my own group... the Wrestlerettes." "Is that like a comedy improv team?" "No." "I mean, people did laugh at us, but no." "Um, the point is, yeah, there were some trying times, but I have so many great memories of Orson High, like I will never forget walking down West Hall..." "What?" "No offense, but nobody really walks down West Hall unless they're kind of a nerd." "But I walked down West Hall all the time..." "Okay, Mike, what do you want me to make you for dinner?" "I can microwave you anything you want." "Mac and cheese, frozen burrito, Lean Cuisine." "Mm, I don't know." "I guess I'll have a hot dog." "Oh, come on, that's like 30 seconds." "Let me microwave something that takes longer." "Great news." "There's a radon gas leak in school." "Will our luck never cease?" "How's a toxic gas leak a good thing?" "Ause they cancelled school for tomorrow, and it was rope-climbing day in gym." "Sorry, humiliation, you've been postponed to a later date." "Okay, now, come on, Mike." "You got to admit it." "There are forces at work here." "Ever since we've had the Donahues' address on our curb, it's been one good thing after another." "I want to hear you say it." "We got the Donahues' good luck." "I'm not saying anything." "It's superstitious nonsense." "Oh, really?" "Says the guy who believes that by clutching a magical Colts towel, he can help them win a game." "Hey, hey, hey." "That is sports." "That's an energy transfer from a towel to a team." "Completely different thing." "They've done studies." "Enough people holding a towel can alter the course of a game." "Okay, fine." "Then, if you don't believe there's some cosmic force at play..." "Here." "Go repaint the curb." "Go ahead." "Do it." "Look, I don't know what's causing it." "All I know is there's a playoff game tonight and a "Godfather" marathon tomorrow, so why don't you fire up that microwave and nuke me some food?" "Axl was so desperate, he did something he had never done before." "He persevered." "That's right, I'm still here!" "You hear me, Kepley?" "I'm not going!" "Got to let me take that test." "I have to graduate!" "Oh, are you kidding me?" "!" "Fine!" "Bring it!" "I've been thirsty anyway!" "Rain, baby, rain!" "You don't understand!" "I've worked for this my whole life." "For some kids, school comes easy, but not for me." "I never studied this hard for a test in my whole life." "What are you trying to teach me anyway?" "Hard work doesn't pay off?" "What kind of sick teacher are you?" "I know this stuff!" "I swear!" "The North Atlantic Treaty was signed April 4, 1949, as an act of collective defense against foreign invaders." "The signers were the United States, Italy," "Canada, Norway, Denmark, Portugal, Iceland, and the five nations of the Treaty of Brussels..." "United Kingdom, France, Belgium, the Netherlands, and, uh..." "Agh!" "Damn it!" "What is it?" "Um..." "Oh!" "Luxembourg!" "Yes!" "Come on!" "Let me take the test!" "People think I should." "Everyone thinks I should take this test!" ""Let him take the test!" "Let him take the test!"" "Even this little worm." "He's saying..." "He's saying it..." ""Let him take the test." "Let him take... the test."" "Fine." "Come to my office tomorrow at 10:00." "But you've got to get an 85% or you're not graduating." "75%." "Yah-ha-ha-ha-ha-hess!" "Yes!" "Yah-ha-ha-hess!" "Come on." "Come on." "Go for three." "Go for three." "Bango!" "Oh, no." "No." "No, no, no." "What happened to all my premium channels?" "You don't think..." "School is back on." "They tested the air and found acceptable levels of radon." "Our troop leader told us we messed up and accidentally gave you your neighbor's address." "Sorry." "We didn't mind." "No, we felt really bad, so we painted an American flag on there for free." "I hurried when I got your text." "What's wrong?" "You were so excited about talking at school." "Brad, I found out something shocking." "I was a nerd in high school." "What?" "But you were friends with me." "News flash..." "You were a nerd, too." "How is that possible?" "I was in color guard." "I was vice president of Magicians Club." "I played Sky Masterson in "Guys and Dolls."" "Apparently, those things weren't as cool as we thought." "Okay." "Well, maybe that was true in high school, but this is college." "We're very different people now." "We're in no-cut a cappella." "You're a Dragonette." "There was only one person who didn't make Dragonettes, and that's 'cause she was a Nazi sympathizer." "Oh." "I can't believe it." "All this time, I had no idea." "I mean, I knew I wasn't the most popular person in school." "And that was fine." "But I didn't realize I was a nerd." "Sue, I'd like to tell you a little story about two other nerds I know..." "Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone." "What?" "♪ Can't you picture Ryan Gosling as a freshman ♪" "♪ Sitting at the lunchroom table all alone?" "♪" "♪ And far across the country ♪" "♪ With her head gear and her braids ♪" "♪ Was an also somewhat awkward Emma Stone ♪" " ♪ Do you think they let the populars define them?" "♪" " Well..." " ♪ Do you think they let the cool kids give 'em guff?" "♪" " I don't know." "♪ Did they hide their sweet crossbite-corrected smiles ♪" "♪ When they felt down?" "♪" "♪ Bet they sang a song like this when times got rough ♪" "♪ If you're bummed when you look into the mirror ♪" "♪ You just shout into the glass with no regrets ♪" "♪ Who's that junior peer leadership advisor?" "♪" "♪ She's the person who invented Wrestlerettes. ♪" "♪ So you know every sonnet from "The Tempest" ♪" "♪ And you wear your heart upon your puffy sleeve ♪" "♪ Don't let others' slings and arrows ♪" "♪ Put a damper on your day ♪" "♪ Throw your hands up high ♪" "♪ And shout out, "I believe" ♪" "I believe!" "♪ What's this obsession with labels?" "♪" "♪ Labels are nothing to fear ♪" "♪ Tell those Tom, Dick, and Harry, and Mabels ♪" "♪ The only thing that really should be labeled ♪" "♪ Is a year ♪" "♪ And if you don't believe me ♪" "♪ If you don't think it's true ♪" "♪ Here's a list of some great march-to-their-own-drummers ♪" "♪ Just like you ♪" "♪ Albert Einstein, Tina Fey ♪" "♪ Neil deGrasse Tyson..." "Hip-hooray ♪" "♪ Zuckerberg..." "Yeah, now you're talking. ♪" "♪ Give it up for Stephen Hawking ♪" "♪ Elon Musk, Bill Gates, and Yanni ♪" "♪ George Takei, Kumail Nanjiani ♪" "♪ Ah-ah-ah-aah ♪" "♪ And just think, next September when we're juniors ♪" "♪ Think of all the great things we can do ♪" "♪ Perhaps I'll take up cello ♪" "♪ Perhaps I'll meet a fellow ♪" "♪ And we'll tell ourselves whenever we're blue ♪" "♪ Put that frown upon the shelf ♪" "♪ And celebrate yourself ♪" "♪ And the march-to-their-own-drummers ♪" "♪ Who are just like ♪" "♪ Sue!" "♪" "But not everyone on campus was celebrating." "There was still one person who was not quite done." "Axl wasn't lying." "He knew the material." "He got an 86%." "He was graduating." "Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" "I'm done!" "I'm free!" "Who wants to party?" "Anybody?" "Hello?"