"All right, the suspense is over." "I've chosen the school musical." "You wanna guess what it is?" "No." "Ok, I'll give you a hint." "I don't know." ""Raisin in the Sun."" "What?" "No." "Something with Nathan Lane." "No." "Meow." "Meow." "Cat. "cat on a..." it's..."cat on a..."" "Oh, for cryin' out loud." ""cat on a hot..."" "It's a roof." ""roof."" "No." "Not "cat on a hot tin roof."" "No. "Cats," the musical." "Do you guyknow anything about theater at all?" "Maybe we haven't met." "I'm Eddie Stark." "Stop it." "It's going to be an extravaganza" "The likes of which the multi-purpose room has never seen." "Got an idea for you." "Why don't you get" "The kids to round up some stray Cats" "And then shave 'em to make the costumes?" "Funny!" "No, it's not funny." "It's disgusting." "You should be ashamed of yourself." "And yet, I'm not." "Come on, Joy." "Theater is something we had" "Before we invented television." "Yeah?" "Well, I'm gonna change both of your minds about that, ok?" "Oh, excuse me." "Hey, Raj," "Just the man I wanted to see." "I tried." "I cannot get the happy meal smell out of your car." "No." "Not that." "I'm doing "Cats."" "Mr. Katz, the french teacher?" "I thought he was gay." "No, not that." "The musical, "Cats."" "And who do you think's gonna sing "Memory"?" "You're going to do it?" "Yeah." "I am." "Oh, how did I guess?" "So what does this have to do with me?" "Oh, I'll tell you what it has to do with you." "I'm gonna need all of your mop heads." "I wanna add them to the costumes for gritty authenticity." "So you want me to mop the gritty floors with a stick?" "Yeah." "You don't mind, do you?" "No." "I like coming here at night and cleaning up" "After these filthy children without the proper tools." "Nothing makes me happier." "And I'm glad that children dressed as Cats" "Are more important than the dead one I found in the cafeteria." "Okay." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Mistress!" "Maggot." "Can I pour you a cup of hot coffee," "Or would you like to pour one over me?" "Shut up." "I'm really enjoying myself" "Seeing the miserable look on Eddie Stark's face" "As his wife babbles on like a magpie." "Yeah, she is kind of hard on the ears," "But she's easy on the eyes." "What?" "Nah, I'm just stating the obvious." "I mean, she is not unattractive to look at." "I gotta go." "I gotta start rehearsals." "Tell you about the second act when we get home tonight." "Okay." "Can't wait." "Well, I gotta get to class." "It's bring your baby to school day." "Let's go, Whitey." "Okay." "Mistress." "Bye." "Bye." "Oh, Ms. Duffy!" "I was looking for you." "I wanted to let you know that," "I will be playing the role of grizabella" "In our production of "Cats." oh." "Yeah, and I'm not even gonna ask for a bump in pay." "I am doing it for the love of theater" "And of course the children." "Will it be difficult for me to perform" "In something that I'm also directing?" "The answer's "of course." am I up to the task?" "The answer's "of course."" "Now, there will be naysayers," "But if barbra streisand can perform in and direct "yentl,"" "I think I can handle a musical about a bunch of Cats." "Now, it may be unrealistic" "To think that "the new york times" will come to review it," "But I think we've got a lock on the "post," "the voice,"" "And local critics from the tristate area." "What I'm gonna need from you" "Is to block off a little section" "In the front of the theater with those ropes, you know," "Maybe 2 rows for those folks." "And, Ms. Duffy," "I just wanna thank you" "For giving me the opportunity" "To fulfill a lifelong dream of mine" "Of inspiring today's youth through the magic of musical theater." "You're fired." "Can you believe it?" "Well, look, not like I want this conversation to go on," "But can you come up with one reason why Duffy fired you?" "No." "Not one." "I mean, I was just standing there." "I was talking about "Cats,"" "And then absolutely out of the blue," "She says, "you're fired."" "You know what the worst part is?" "Having to hear about it?" "She replaced me as director" "With that giggling little nitwit from the music department." "You mean that little Tricia sunshine?" "The one who's always cheerful?" "The bitch." "You know, Duffy's gonna miss me." "She is...the play is gonna suffer." "Can't wait to read the reviews." "I hope the children get trashed." "You transferred all the anger onto the kids." "It's like you been teaching for years." "Yeah, screw 'em." "What are we gonna do, Eddie?" "We need the money from that job." "Aw, you'll get another job." "Yeah?" "It took me forever to get this one." "Yeah, but now you've changed, and you've grown," "And you've got a new set of skills." "I mean, any company would be thrilled to have you." "Yeah." "I..." "I do bring a lot to the table." "I mean, I don't have a degree, so I'm cheap." "Yeah." "There you go." "You're cheap." "And I have a lot of opinions," "And I'm not afraid to tell someone how to do their job." "And who doesn't love that?" "And you know what I know how to do now?" "Fold a flag." "Plus I think outside the box." "I mean, who rewrote "Cats" and t in a dog?" "You put a dog in "Cats"?" "Dogs are the natural enemy of Cats," "Conflict." "Okay." "Why did it take me to think of that?" "Because only you have the courage to tamper with success." "Exactly." "And you see, with your help," "It could have become the longerest-running show on broadway." "Thank you, Eddie." "That is exactly what I needed to hear." "You know what I'm gonna do?" "I'm gonna go online right now," "And I'm gonna find myself a new job." "That's my girl." "I am gonna show Duffy" "That Joy Stark is a winner!" "I could do anything, anything at all." "How do you turn this damn thing on again?" "Lift up your shirt." "So the guy says, "What's the good news?"" "And the doctor says, "The good news is I'm sleeping with my nur."" "So how's the job hunt goin'?" "Ah, it's terrible!" "I've been at it for days now, and nothing." "I mean, you have to have a master's degree to answer the phone." "And those fake references didn't help?" "No, they did not help at all." "I think all the telephone numbers starting with 555" "Was a definite giveaway." "God!" "You know what, Simona?" "I thought I was gonna be a winner." "I'm just a loser." "What are you gonna do now?" "I'm sorry." "Isn't this the part where you say," ""no, you're not a loser"?" "Oh." "I'm sorry." "No, you're not a loser." "So what are you gonna do now?" "Ah, you know, the usual." "I'm gonna cry." "I'm gonna eat." "I'm gonna lash out at others." "By the way, I hate that blouse." "That's good!" "That's good." "Just let it out." "Oh, hey!" "You know what?" "Stephen is looking for an assistant." "Really?" "You been sittin' on that for 20 minutes?" "Well, it just occurred to me." "He just lost the one that he had." "Did she quit?" "No." "She died." "Oh, that's terrible." "How?" "She was trampled by clowns." "She was not." "Yeah, she was." "How does that even happen?" "Well, she had coulrophobia." "That's the..." "Fear of clowns." "And..." "I know." "She tried to get over it through immersion therapy" "By riding on an elevator filled with bozos." "But before she could get to the top floor," "She started screaming like crazy," "Which panicked the clowns," "And when the doors open, they stampeded out of there" "And crushed her to death under their giant red shoes." "Is that really true?" "Nah." "She had a stroke." "But it is true that Stephen's looking for an assistant." "Ah, thanks!" "Do you think he'd consider me?" "Consider you?" "He'll hire you." "I'll make it happen." "Wow, Simona!" "Do you wear the pants in that marriage?" "As long as he wants to get into 'em, I do." "All right." "Let's begin the interview." "So formal." "Stephen, you've known me forever." "Yeah, as a friend, not as my executive assistant." "Oh, executive assistant." "I like the sound of that." "Yeah." "It's great, isn't it?" "Plus it makes me feel really important." "Call my executive assistant to schedule lunch." "See?" "And you gotta be an executive to have an executive assistant." "True." "After all, I am the dean of admissions." "Although that's not like being james dean" "Or harry dean stanton or paula deen." "You get it?" "Get what?" "The joke." "The joke." "Yeah." "I get it." "Oh, Stephen." "I didn't know you were so funny." "Oh, I'm funny." "I'm funny." "But it's a very dry, almost imperceptible," "Pretty much not even there kind of a wit bordering on snide." "That is it in a nutshell." "Yeah." "So, shall we go over your employment history?" "No." "No, I don't think we should." "Be disappointing and give you all those reasons not to hire me." "Ok." "Any reason why I should do a criminal background check?" "Ohh." "Not unless you want to remember that weekend in mexico" "The four of us had." "Yes." "And I appreciate you swallowing" "That baggie before we crossed the border." "Once in a while, it helps not to have a gag reflex." "What the hell?" "Let's give it a shot." "Really?" "Absolutely." "You're hired." "Ah!" "Well, thank you, Stephen." "And I will not disappoint you." "No, you won't." "Tell you what." "Let's get started right now." "Right...right now?" "Sure." "Ok." "All right." "Yeah." "For your first task," "I want you to run down to the coffee shop," "Get me a mochaccino with 3/4 teaspoon of sugar." "3/4 of a teaspoon." "Yeah." "And not a grain more." "And I'll be able to tell." "Ok." "Oh, this is gonna be fun." "I'm excited." "Yeah." "I tell you, put it in my real coffee cup" "Right here and rinse it out first." "Don't use, soap, 'cause that'll leave an aftertaste." "Club soda." "Club soda." "And don't wipe it out" "With paper towels from the bathroom." "I'm just kidding." "But don't." "What time did you get in last night?" "Midnight." "Why so late?" "Because I had to reorganize" "All of Stephen's files." "Why?" "His old assistant was israeli." "All the files went from right to left." "It's that bad, huh?" "Oh, please!" "He's always telling all these jokes." "Well, Stephen can be funny in that very dry," "Almost imperceptible," "Pretty much not even there kind of way that borders on snide." "I think you give him too much credit." "Do you know what he did yesterday?" "We got an application from a rich kid." "He called him Richie Rich and then laughed for, like, 3 minutes." "Well, not only is that not original," "It's not even close to being a joke." "I know." "He doesn't tell jokes." "He says anybody can tell jokes." "He just gives you an area where a joke might be," "And then he expects you to laugh as if there's actually a joke there." "Like dane cook." "Exactly." "You know what the worst part is?" "In my free time, he has me doing all these personal, stupid errands." "Right now, I have to go to the dry cleaners to pick up his underwear." "Who dry-cleans their frickin' underwear?" "Skitters." "So now we're both miserable." "Yeah." "Joy's miserable because she has to work for Stephen," "And I'm miserable 'cause now I always have to hear about it." "I hate that guy." "Stephen?" "Why?" "I don't know." "He's an odd duck," "Vaguely creepy, with a deep sense of self-loathing," "And that's comin' from a guy that likes being used as an ashtray." "You know, I think the point here is" "That you should just never work with your friends." "Well, what about us?" "Oh, Eddie, we're different." "I mean, we met here," "And we have a... a natural chemistry that just defies logic." "You're right about that." "I know." "But the shocking thing is I was actually" "Less miserable when Joy was workin' at school." "Less miserable." "That's hardly a ringing endorsement." "Hey, let me tell you something." "After 24 years of marriage," ""less miserable" is like a cool breeze in hell." "And now I don't even have that." "Well, I am..." "So sorry, Eddie." "Why are you sorry?" "It's not your fault." "What did you do, Whitey?" "Well, I..." "I may have let it slip to Duffy" "That Joy was not ugly." "Whitey, no!" "No!" "You can't compliment a woman to another woman." "It's like painting a bull's-eye on 'em." "What am I gonna do now?" "What am I gonna do?" "You are going to do nothing, Eddie." "I am so wracked with guilt over this whole thing" "That I am personally gonna rectify the situation," "Which coincidentally is the name of a game that Duffy and I enjoy playing." "No, don't worry about a thing, Eddie." "It's all gonna work out in the end." "I love you in that jacket." "Yeah." "Dad died a week ago." "My sister got the house." "And that's when I decided to turn my life around" "And become an optimistic person." "The sun is always shining someplace," "And it shines the brightest" "When it's high in the sky and close to God." "There's happiness everywhere if you just look for it." "You don't have to wait for something big to happen to make you happy" "When there's all these little things" "Like flowers and birds and puppy dogs." "Do you like polka dots?" "I think polka dots are wonderful." "They're like a bunch of little happy faces just waiting to smile." "And rainbows." "Don't even get me started on rainbows." "There is a pot of gold at the end of each and every one of them." "Oh, do you remember that song," ""sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows"?" "That's my ringtone." "Wait." "I'll play it for you." "Oh!" "Ok, here it is." "I thought I lost it." "But then I found it inside the silver lining of my purse." "Isn't that funny?" "Heh!" "There really is a silver lining in my purse." "Oh, Tricia, you are so fired." "What?" "You're fired." "Now find the silver lining in that, you psychotic bitch." "Get out." "Well, I'm gonna take this as an opportunity." "I'm going home to make lemonade." "One door closes, another one opens." "Well, this one's closin'." "Watch your nose." "What do you think?" "Head in the oven or a tune on the Hemingway flute?" "Probably both." "But that's after a handful of pills and a bottle of vodka." "Good work." "Death is funny." "I love it." "Really?" "Hey, Whitey!" "Whitey's here." "Great news." "Little Tricia sunshine's in a diabetic coma." "Turns out she went home" "And overdosed on lemonade." "Now your old job is available." "Tricia's in a coma." "Sometimes you just get lucky." "Oh, God!" "Oh, you know what the best part about this is?" "Now I get to tell Stephen that I quit." "Okay." "Well, you just better make sure" "You get your old job back first." "Right." "I gotta go convince Duffy to hire me back." "I just wish I knew why she fired me in the first place." "Maybe somebody said you were pretty." "Who would say that?" "Maybe I did." "You said I was pretty?" "No." "I would never say that." "I think the exact phrase was..." ""Not unattractive."" "Well, that's the same thing as pretty." "No, it's not." "God, and Duffy was jealous." "I mean, that explains everything." "When will women realize that I am not a threat to them?" "I'd give it a couple years." "Ok, I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna go talk to Duffy." "No, you know what?" "I am gonna do more than talk to Duffy." "I am gonna make her love me." "Dad's sweater?" "No, mom's." "My brother got her skirts." "Carol Duffy, I need to speak with you." "I take it you're in that ridiculous get-up" "To convince me to hire you back as the theater director." "No." "I was handing out fliers at a pet store." "That doesn't matter right now." "But I woullike my old job back," "Because I am good at it," "And I do it well, and I do it with passion." "And Tricia's in a lemonade coma." "Don't make me smile." "My lips are chapped." "So can I have my job back?" "Well, the kids in the drama department do really like you," "But they're mostly gay boys and the deluded overweight girls with no gaydar." "So let me consult with my collie." "I mean colleague." "What do you think, Whitey?" "Do you think Joy is an attractive candidate for the job?" "Oh, absolutely not." "Are you positive?" "Look at her." "Yeah." "Well, you got a point." "Yeah, you're hired." "I am?" "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "And to show my appreciation," "I am gonna give you all a little preview of the play" "By singing the song that you've all been waiting to hear," ""Memory" from "Cats,"" "By sir andrew lloyd webber." "Well, this is a song for the baby." "And a-one and a-two and a-1, 2, 3." "* Hey, little baby, before you go out the utero *" "* I want you to know that the world is great *" "* And we can't wait to welcome you to it *" "* The world is great *" "* And we can't wait to welcome you to it *" "* And this is how we do it *" "* Don't be a litterbug *" "* No, no, no *" "* 'Cause if you do, the earf'll be no mo' *" "* And remember to smile all of the while *" "* And turn that frown upside down *" "* Like this *" "* Yeah, homey *" "Hey, let me in." "I got one." "Oh, ok." "* Don't hire a friend *" "* It's no fun *" "* 'Cause when they quit *" "* They'll leave ywu stranded with no one *" "* To get your coffee the way you like it *" "* And you feel like a loser jackass *" "* When you're really an executive, damn it *" "My turn." "* I got somethin' to say to the baby *" "* And old Whitey knows what he's talkin' about *" "* This world is a trap *" "* No one really gives a crap *" "* Take my advice, baby *" "* Don't come out *" "Okay, I think we're gonna go inside now." "Yeah, without..." "without you guys." "Sure." "Encore?" "Encore." "Here we go." "So formal." "You've known me forever, Stephen." "Yeah, as a friend." "Let me start that again." "Who are you talk..." "who are you talking to?" "There's just..." "I told you directing makes me look a little fatter." "It's only..." "It's only, what, 10 pounds?" "But it's per camera." "Just do it all from here and then close it?" "And then cross over." "What do you like better, directing or acting?" "Shut up."