"So this is where the perp dropped trou, huh?" "Peeing in public." "Third time this week." "Well, herro, herro." "Looks like he hit the bush here and dribbled on the sidewalk there." "Jesus, he damn near drowned the thing." "Hey Crosby?" "You really think this guy we're looking for is somehow connected to the..." "President of New York or whatever?" "I'm telling you, Simmons, this goes all the way to the top." "Mother of God!" "This bush is in eyesight of that school." "That means..." "Those kids mighta seen some pee pee come out of this man's ding dong." "That's not a misdemeanor, that's a..." "Bingo." "And then Simmons is like, "Woah."" "Crosby's like, "Woah!"" "And then Simmons is like "Woah!"" "And then Crosby's like "No, dude", that's like woooooaaaah!" ""What's happening to my brain, ahh!"" " Kevin!" " What?" "I know you've missed watching" "Felonies and Misdemeanors lately..." "So fucking much." "And I've really enjoyed watching you reenact the first three seasons..." " Two and a half." " But for the love of God, please get a new TV." "Oh." "Sue, I wish I could, but TVs cost money, and money costs work." "But don't you have all that money from working with Camomile?" "Yeah?" "Yeah, yeah, that's... yeah, that's why I went to work for her." "Yeah, so, why don't you get another TV?" "I should." "I should totally get a new TV." "Unless there's a reason not to." "Like what?" "I don't know." "I can't think of one." " Can you think of one?" " Nope." "Pfft, well then, that's awesome." "We're agreed." "I will go buy a brand new TV with this pile of cash over here." " Right?" " Right!" "Right!" "What has money ever done for anyone?" "Human flight." "Cancer research." "This dope watch." "Streetlamps, buttholes, shoelaces." "I can string a bunch of random words together too, Roofie, I'm trying to have a mature, grown up conversation here." "How'd you get yourself in this predicament, anyway?" "'Cause I told Sue you fired me." "Why?" "Because you know, you were jealous that she was taking up all my time." "It's like classic best friend shit." "No, why would you tell her anything?" "What?" "Because I..." "I panicked, Roofie!" "I'm... and if you're not careful," "I'm gonna panic again all over this newsstand." "Okay, listen, I may or may not sell drugs at an elementary school which has a spooky problem, and they'll pay a pretty penny to make it disappear." "Pretty enough to buy a TV?" "Mhm." "Yes!" "Roofie!" "Oh, you're the best friend a guy ever had." "That solves exactly one half of my problem." "Hmm." "Look, I just need you to hang out with Sue for the day, okay?" "She's a really super-duper girl." "She does not like the idea that my best friend thinks ill of her." "I can't even hear her!" "I know!" "See, I knew I was gonna get roped into this shit." "Ah, it isn't, it isn't a rope!" "There's no shit!" "Roofie, listen." "It's fine." "It's good, okay?" "I have a world-class idea." "Trust me." "What the hell is that?" "It's a Camomile White-ja board." "Why do you have that?" "You're right, Sue!" "This will be super fun." "Thank you for pointing that out." "So, uh, you guys use that to talk to each other, and uh, I'll be back with this brand new TV in like, uh, 12 hours!" "Okay, toodles!" "Wait, Pac!" "Pac!" "Pac!" "First place, reading compression." "Comprehension." "Mr. Pacalioglu, I presume?" "Correctomundo." "And you are?" "Principal Herring." "Follow me." "One of our classrooms is facing vandalism of a supernatural variety." "Every day before recess," "Ms. Fatale puts a new math problem on the board." "Yet someone, or rather, something, has been solving that problem." "And what makes you think it's a ghost?" "The problem is for extra credit." "And no one has ever come forward to claim it." "Sorry!" "Sorry!" "I dropped a bunch of these wobbly metal lunch trays." "Sounded a lot like thunder, though, didn't it?" "We would be willing to pay a lot of money to make this go away before, say, the parents' association were to find out?" "Gotcha." "Ah!" "Here's Ms. Fatale now." "Principal Herring, you wanted to see me?" "Hello." "Ms. Fatale, this is Mr. Pacalioglu." "He's going to be helping us with our little ghost problem." "May I show him to your room?" "Of course." "My students just left for recess a few minutes ago." "Mr. Pacalioglu?" "What?" "Time to get to work." "Yeah." "Yeah." "What else, what else, what else, what else, Sue?" "Um, music!" "Music, uh, do you like music?" "I mean, I like music a lot." "Y." "Why do I like music?" "No!" "Y as in yes!" "Yeah, my dad was a saxophone player..." "Why is there no yes shortcut on this board?" "And he was really good unless he was drunk off the grain..." "Oh!" "Wait, there is a yes!" "I'm guessing you don't want to hear about that." "Oh, you do!" " I do what?" " I don't know, Sue," "I haven't talked about my father, not since... not since he hit the road." " Oh, shit." " Boo!" " Ahh!" " Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah," "I'm mad at him too." "Jesus." "Millie, what are you doing here?" "Um, what are you doing here?" "I told Kevin I'd hang out with his friend Roofie." "Why?" "He can't even hear you!" "I know, but..." "Look, he doesn't need you!" "He's having a great time by himself." "The year?" "1994." "It was a cold winter, the kind of winter you felt in your bones." "God, I miss my body." "Yeah..." "Hey, I have an idea." "Come with me!" "You can see me?" "How do you like them apples?" "What?" "For thirty proud years," "I worked at this school." "Then last spring they fired me, so I started hitting the bottle." "Hard." "So one night, I'm leaving the bar," "I mean, piss-drunk." "I step out into the street, and then Wham!" "starts playing on this guy's car radio, so I just start dancing around, you know, it's Wham!" "And then bam!" " I got hit by a truck." " Damn." "I'm telling you, Pac, I was the best janitor this school had ever seen." "So what'd you do wrong?" "That's just it!" "I didn't do anything." "You don't mean..." "I was set up." "Something's going on at this school, something big." "That's why I need you to clean the one thing" "I never could." "My record." "My God!" "What does it all mean?" "Seriously?" "Again?" "All right, that is Teddy Biddick." "He's a fourth grader." "A rotten apple, but he knows how to work the system." "Now how do you roam the halls without a hall pass?" "Easy." "You own the halls." "Last year he became hall monitor courtesy of Principal Herring." "He's been lording it over us ever since." "Let's just say he's a real piece of shit." "Now, Teddy slipped and fell and broke his arm supposedly in a puddle that wasn't even there." "How do I know it wasn't even there?" "Because I mopped it up!" "I'm sure of it!" " So you took the fall..." " For Teddy's fall." "Let me guess, last fall?" "No, last spring." "Stay with me here." "There's no way that that kid slipped in that puddle." " Unless... he faked it!" " You're mistaken." "Yeah, he faked it." "Start with Teddy, find out what he knows." "And Pac?" "Trust no one." "Not even you?" "No, you can trust me." "Well, how can I trust you, if I can't even trust... myself?" "Let's just start at the beginning again, okay?" "You can trust me, and you can trust yourself." "But no one else." "You got it?" "Yes, got it." "Okay, good." "One last question, what's the deal with the math problems?" "Because something doesn't add up." "Isn't this place amazing?" "Millie, what are we doing here?" "Sue, have you ever tried possession?" "Possession?" "Is that like a real thing?" "Seriously?" "Oh my God!" "You're adorable." "Okay, so check it out." "A ghost can possess a solid if they're in, like, a really weak state." "Like, say, this gentleman right here." "Fuck you, McAvoy!" "So when you possess someone, you can, like, control them?" "Yeah." "I mean, until the host realizes what's happening and kicks you out, but usually that takes long enough that you can get drunk or take a bath, or take a bath while getting drunk!" "You know, all the best parts of being a human." " I don't know." " Sue!" "Live a little." "Bingo." "You Teddy Biddick?" "Who the hell wants to know?" "Heard you took a pretty nasty fall last spring there, bud." "Yeah, what about it?" "Rumor has it you faked the fall." "Now why would I fake a fall?" "Oh, I don't know, a few weeks off at the end of the school year doesn't sound so bad." "As much daytime TV and as many Zebra Cakes as a kid could ever dream of sounds like a pretty sweet gig to me." "Listen, fatty." "I'm no faker." "Who you calling fatty, short stack?" "You're nothing but..." "What you looking at?" "What?" "Nothing." "All right, fine, you didn't fake the fall." "Then why don't you have a cast, you little rug rat?" "Hey, I got it taken off like three months ago." "How do you think broken bones work, anyway?" "I don't know." "You tell me." "Seriously, I don't know." "You tell me?" "Anyway, how would you even fake a fall?" "Allow me to demonstrate." "How about the old one, two," "I'm walking over here... yoink!" "Oh!" "Oh, God." "You know what, Sue?" "This has been great." "It's nice to have someone listen to me for a change." "Exactly, right?" "Just like that." "Just like that." "I mean, I don't know why I'm so closed off in the first place." "I mean, my mother..." "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" "All right, be straight with me." "Is it broken?" "How do you think broken bones work?" "I don't know." "No one will tell me." "Say, can I have one of those lollipops?" "Sorry, students only." "Especially at the rate I'm giving these things out." "You'd be surprised how many skinned knees" "I see at this school." "You got any records of those accidents?" "You mean an injury report?" " Yeah." " Sure." "Attagirl." "Where are you?" "Where are you, you delicious sons of bitches?" "Ah, where is it?" "Ah!" "Bingo." "Here we are." "Thanking you." "Let me know when you're finished." "You got it, doll." "Incident." "Slipped and Fell" "Location." "Outside Ms. Fatale Classroom" "Oh my God." "This is... probably, maybe something." "Relax, Sue." "It's just possession." "It's not a big deal." "Watch!" "Hey." "Go on, Sue, jump in!" "Come on, Sue." "It's just possession, everyone's doing it." "Come on." "Go!" "Woah!" "This is... crazy." "Feel this!" "Feel this!" "Feel this!" "Oh!" "Mr. Pacalioglu." "What, uh, what are you doing here?" "Are you okay, Ms. Fatale?" "I'm..." "I'm fine!" "What can I do for you?" "Well, I was thumbing through the school reports;" "I was hoping maybe we could have a jaw wagger." "Okay, I'll talk." "But not here." "Meet me outside in ten minutes." "Well, that seemed a little suspicious." "Hello." " Uh-oh." " We just wanna talk." "Run, Pac, Run!" "Oh, you did it, Pac." "You're the fastest man alive." "My God." "They're machines!" "No running!" "Eat that shit!" "Ohhh, how I've missed this." "Here." "Here." "Eat this shit." "Where'd that come from?" "Duh." "His pocket." "Millie, gross!" "Come on, when was the last time you tasted?" "Oh my God." "This is so good!" "Yeah!" "Wait, wait, you got some schmutz." "Slut." "Hey!" "You're sweating all over the mops." "Dude, what the hell have you gotten me into?" "Look at this!" "These are injury reports." "Teddy's not the only one that fell." "There have been a bunch of accidents over the past few years." "And look, look, look!" "All right outside Ms. Fatale's classroom!" "And they all happened just before summer." "Of course." "Statewide exams!" "You thought she'd get away with it, didn't ya?" " Excuse me?" " Teddy, 'cuff him!" "I don't have handcuffs!" "You son of a bitch!" "It was all an elaborate ruse, a set up, a, a..." "Web of lies." "A web of flies!" " Thank you." " Who are you talking to?" "You know damn well who I'm talking to." "The old janitor you fired last spring right before you blamed him for Teddy's accident." "What?" "This is absurd!" "Oh, is it?" "Every year kids slip and fall outside Ms. Fatale's classroom right before the year-end statewide exams." "Oh sure, a bunch of kids slipping and breaking their arms seems innocent enough, right?" "Wrong!" "Ms. Fatale teaches remedial math, which I just learned means math for dumb kids." "So when the dumb kids like Teddy here..." " Hey!" " ..." "Hurt themselves, they can't take the exams." "Which means the school test score averages go..." " Up." " Up!" "Yeah!" "See, which means the school's doing a good job, see, which means you get more cash from the state, see, which means more fancy new things like that vending machine outside that I hucked on the ground and broke into a million pieces." "It was the perfect crime." "All you needed was a goat to scape, and who better than this weird old janitor." " Hey!" " Admit it, Principal Herring!" "It was you all along, your goose is cooked." "Teddy, 'cuff him, damn it!" "Why would I have handcuffs?" "I'm a child!" "Are you saying that the ghost was the janitor?" "Yeah, that's what I'm saying, ya dunce!" "Well, that makes sense." "Uh." "Watch this!" "Hello!" " Oh!" " Ow!" " I can see my bone!" " So as you can see, it was summer," "Ms. Fatale wore skimpy clothing, and the janitor got distracted." "Case closed." "Well, how do... how do you explain all the victims being dumb kids?" "Because they're the dumb kids." "They don't look where they're going." " Yeah, that's true." " Not now, Teddy." "There's no conspiracy, Mr. Pacalioglu." "That janitor, rest his soul, was just terrible at his job." "Oh my God." "I am a shitty janitor." "I guess I'll just go." "Well, the ghost is gone, so... you're welcome." "And we should discuss payment." "Well, we'll just deduct your payment from what you owe us for the broken vending machine, which was a gift, by the way." "You owe us a thousand dollars." "Should we just call it even?" "Mr. Pacalioglu?" "What did you want to talk to me about?" "Never mind." "I figured that out." "But the one thing that's still rattling around in this old jalopy is why you wanted to talk to me outside instead of up in your classroom." "Oh, it was quiet hour." "My kids were reading." "Then why were you so nervous?" "The book I gave them was off curriculum." "Right." "Well, turns out the ghost in the back of your classroom was the old janitor." "He's gone now." "He took a hike." "Will?" " Mhm." " Aw, that's sad." " I always liked him." " Yup." "Terrible janitor, but he always found little ways to brighten my day." "Hm." "Adiós, amiga." "How 'bout that?" "She knew who I was." "You were solving those math problems to impress the skirt, weren't ya?" "I don't know what you're talking about." " Woah!" " You're a hard man to reach, Pacalioglu." "What do you guys want?" "Barry Weinbergerstein sent us." "Sorry about the chase." "We tried calling you, but they said you were out of minutes." "When you were on Midtown Manhattan Medium, you tested through the roof." "And we can see why." "That vending machine stunt you pulled earlier was hilarious!" "Hilarious!" "What is that?" "What are you..." "What are you guys saying to me?" "Mr. Pacalioglu," "Alt TV would like to offer you... your very own TV show." " What?" " So what do you say?" "You want to make a ton of money doing virtually nothing?" "Hey, Sue!" "Hey!" " Hi." " Hey, Kevin." "I didn't think you'd be home until later." "No, no." "I'm here now." "I just went and bought this TV with all the cash that I have." "I certainly did not buy it on credit, that's not what happened." "So uh, how was hanging out with Roofie all day?" "Uh, it was..." "Pac!" "Dude, your girlfriend... was amazing." "Right?" "We talked all afternoon," "I got so much stuff off my chest." "Pac, I'm out the drug game." "I'm out!" "What did you do?"