"Kids, everyone together." "Welcome to pioneer village." "This is a re-creation of early colorado days." "I want you all to meet pioneer paul." "Hi, kids, and welcome to my village." "I settled here in 1864 with my maw and paw." "Sure thing, I ain't never seen strange clothes like you all are wearing." "And what's that fancy yellow horse carriage you got out there?" "This is gonna suck." "When y'all are ready, just head up to the village." "All the townsfolk are there to answer your questions." "And welcome to 1864." "Sit 'em up!" "Thank you, pioneer paul." "All right, kids, this is a big place so I want everyone to pick a partner to hold hands with." "Let's be partners, kenny." "No, I'm partners with craig." "Oh, okay." "Stan, let's be partners, dude." "No, I'm with wendy." "You wanna hold hands with a girl?" "Gaywad." "All right, let's be partners, kyle." "I hate you, remember?" "You wanna be partners, jimmy?" "Jesus, what have I ever done to you?" "Craig?" "Token?" "Who, who else needs a partner?" "Who else needs a partner?" "Eric, partner with butters." "God dammit!" "Hold butters' hand, eric." "That isn't necessary." "Butters, you are not to let go of eric's hand until you are both back on that bus." "Do you understand?" "I understand." "All right, let's head in." "You can let go now, butters." "No." "Butters, come on." "No!" "All right, kids." "Go ahead and visit the charming villagers and learn stuff." "Keep trarack of your partner." "Why, howdy, partners." "I'm the town blacksmith." "Are you folks settlers or are you just trappers passing through?" "Uh, look, can we just drop the role-playing thing?" "I would play along, but my girlfriend's here and I don't wanna look like a dork in front of her." "Thanks, stan." "Those folk sure are strange, smithy." "We ain't never seen them kind of fancy hats in our time, have we?" "That guy's wearing a digital watch." "Oh, jeez." " Dammit, chad." " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Howdy, partners." "I'm the town gunsmith." "You see, in our time, it's pretty violent." "See them holes in the walls?" "That's so we can put a rifle through to protect us from indians." "I wanna shoot an indian!" "Now some of you might want to meet abigail at the candle making house." "Or you can head over the general store." "You see any indians?" "Nah, it's just the city and a -- oh, my jesus christ monkey balls." "Super fun time." "Dude, check it out." "We're only two blocks from a super fun time!" "They got video games and rides and everything!" "Oh, that's cool." "Come on, eric, we need to catch up with everyone." "Dude, screw this place." "We gotta go to super fun time!" "Oh, no." "I'm not sneaking out." "I'll get in trouble." "Fine." "Then let go of my hand." "Teacher said I can't let go until we're back on the bus." "Well, which is it gonna be, butters?" "Are you gonna ditch out with me or are you gonna disobey the teacher's stupid rule?" "I'm not letting go." "Fine." "Then you're coming with me." "No, eric!" "Butters, let go, god dammit!" "No!" "Teacher!" "Teacher!" "This here is our general store." "It's where I buy all my supplies and such." "Howdy, partners." "I own this here general store." "Look, stan, they had beef jerky back then." "What do you mean back then?" "Don't forget it's 1864!" "Right." "Except for it really isn'T." "Sure it is." "Just look around you." "What's that?" "It sounds like police sirens." "What's a siren?" "We ain't never heard of no siren in 1864." "We lost 'em!" "We lost 'em!" "Damn pig cops." "Close that gate!" " What's going on?" " I don't know." "Everyone down on the ground." "Now!" "Whoa now!" "I'm sheriff mclawdog." "I settled here back in 1850 " "Jesus christ!" "We got to call the police!" "Where's your phone?" "A phone?" "Why, what's a phone?" "We ain't never heard of such a thing." "What?" "Come on, this is serious!" "Store hand, you ever heard of this fancy smancy phone?" "Uh, no." "We ain't got a phone in our time." "Dude, they just shot a guy in the face." "We got to call the cops." "If you mean the law, only law round here is town sheriff, mclawdog." "You see, 1864 is a time of growth and development in the old west " "This is not the time for that!" "Oh, man, this is gonna be awesome!" "Butters, if you don't let go of my hand everyone here is going to think we're gay." "Well, that's your problem." "All right, butters." "I've seriously had enough!" "Jesus christ." " One, please." " Make that two." "Aw, aren't you two cute holding hands." "Are you special little buddies?" "No!" "Dude, this place sleds!" "What should we do first?" "We should get back to the pioneer village." "That's what we should do!" "Butters, we're going to be back before anybody even notices we were gone." "Let's go hit the bumper cars." "Over here!" "This looks like an office." "Here!" "Here's a phone." "Why, what a strange contraption." "I can't get a dial tone." "What's the number to dial out?" "Dial out?" "Partner, them are some funny words you're using." "Dude, do you understand what's going on here?" "Maybe they're right, brian." "I mean this is a special circumstance." "NEVER BREAK CHARACTER!" "Hah, I mean, this here room sure is strange." "We have nothing like these fancy devices in our time!" "Well, I'll say." "I got through!" "Hello, police?" "911, what's your emergency?" "There's some terrorists or bank robbers or something that've taken our class hostage." "Taken hostage where?" "The old pioneer village off of kipling." "You mean that annoying place where employees won't break character?" "Sister, you don't know the half of it." "Check it out, dude!" "I'm a spaceman!" "Spaceman, yes!" "* I'm having a super fun time day * yeah!" "Get that guy!" "Shoot that guy!" "Yeah, now over here!" "You got it!" "Nice!" "* Super fun time please don't go away *" "What are you oogling at?" "* No more worries or cares it's super fun time * * the answer to my prayers super fun time *" "* super fun time you're all I need *" "* I wanna super fun time till I freakin' bleed *" "* I want you morning, noon and night super fun time *" "********* * you make my life so right super fun time *" "That's it, eric." "We have to be getting back!" "Aw, just a few more things." "No!" "If we don't leave right now, we're gonna miss the bus and then they'll know we left!" "I guess you're right, butters." "All right." "Come on." "Set up the satellite relay." "Check for alternate routes out of the area." "Unfortunately, your police department got wind of our robbery and chased after us." "That is unfortunate for you." "Because when I think it is clear to leave, we will now need to take hostages with us to ensure our goods get to their final destination." "Please, if you must take anyone, don't take me." "These kids are worth more to you." "How did they find us?" "Get the loot out of the car and stash it in that building." "All right, men, listen up." "Looks like our thieves tried to hide out here." "They've got the employees and some school kids held hostage." "Tucker, dylan, set up a perimeter." "Everyone stay on your toes." "These are professionals we're dealing with here." "What did they rob, sir?" "A burger king." "All right." "Good." "Is that all of it?" "No, don't forget we got these too." "Excellent." "Now listen, everyone." "We're going to be all right." "This is only a small hitch in our plan." "I'd like to speak with the chief of police." "Who is this?" "This is the man who is going to kill an entire class of fourth graders if he doesn't get exactly what he wants." "Why aren't the cops coming in?" "They must be negotiating." "Them there bandits sure look mighty strange." "And them pistols is way bigger than what we gots." "Will you shut up?" "Wait, you have guns here?" "Sure." "Sheriff got lots of rifles in his office." "Well, why don't you go get them and bring them back here." "All righty." "Come on, store hand." "Yepper!" "Oh, man, I can't wait to see the look on kyle's face when we tell him we had super fun time while he was at the dumb, stupid pioneer village." "We're not telling anybody!" "I don't want to get in trouble." "And i didn't have a super fun time anyways." "Butters, you got to learn to chill." "Life goes by pretty fast." "If you don't stop and look around once in a while, and do whatever you want all the time, you could miss it." "Yeah, well, I guess that's kinda true." "Crap, they called the cops on us." "What?" "They called the caps?" "They must have realized we left." "Damn!" "Oh, my god, the police are looking for us?" " Butters!" " We're gonna get it now." "Butters, butters, calm down." "I know a way out of this." "You just got me busted forever!" "Butters, listen to me." "Listen." "No." "All we have to do is sneak back inside without the cops seeing us." "Then we can say we were inside all along." "You said they wouldn't notice we were gone." "You promised." "If we sneak back inside we can say we never left." "All right?" "All right." "Now let go of my hand." " No. - Butters " "You made me break one rule." "I'm not breaking the other!" "It's all I have now." "All right, come on." "Keep the hostages from talking and search for holdouts." "Everyone check in at two-minute intervals." "I hope you have good news, orlich." "The police have us completely surrounded on all sides." "There's no way we're getting out above ground without being spotted." "Above ground?" "Look." "I found this at the rear of the park." "It's an old mine shaft." "But pioneer village was sued when a kid died in it, so they closed it down and protected it with a huge metal door with a coded lock." "So, if we can get into the shaft, we can tunnel our way around the police." "Excellent." "One more thing, franz." "I want my share of the take now." "What's the matter, arlich?" "Lose your sense of trust?" "I was just thinking maybe we get through that tunnel, then you take the loot to berlin and I never see you again." "************" "******" "************" "********" "***************" "You are an employee here." "That means you are required to know the door code for fire code reasons." "Mr. David palmer of colorado springs." "My name ain't palmer." "It's ol' smithy." "And we ain't never heard of no fire code." "Why, we got to put fires out ourselves." "That's it." "Tell me the code or you die." "One, two " " I " " Yes?" "I don't know nothing about no fancy door code." "I'm just a simple blacksmith." "These pioneer village workers are really committed to their job." "No!" "Please!" "Don't hurt me!" "Give us the code to that door and we can leave!" "I never heard of something called a door code." "Please, can't you ask some other way?" "I don't have time for your stupid game!" "Tell me or you die right now!" "All right, all right." "Look, it's just one of those new jinkins home security locks." "You press the top button and then enter 5, 2 " "What he meant to say, kids, is that we ain't never heard of no fancy door code 'cuz in our time we got to rely on wood locks and such." "God dammit, you people are Insane!" "I don't believe it." "Domino!" "Volski!" "Find out if there are any other employees or students wandering about." "Bring them here or shoot them." "Oh, crap, we got to hide!" "Come on." "Yeah, we gotta, got, get the hell outta here fast!" "Sector bravo, no activity." "Jeez, the cops are looking for us everywhere." "Don't worry." "They're not gonna find us until we're safely back inside." "Look, see that traffic signal down there?" "If we can climb across that, we can jump to the tree branch and then we're home free." "That looks dangerous." "Not getting busted always is, butters." "Come on." "Good!" "That's got it." "Good!" "All right, now head across." "Go easy." "Good." "Oh, gosh in heaven." "It's all right." "We got it." " Save me!" " I'm gonna fall!" "Oh, dude." "Lame." "Frolich, check in." "Have you found any other employees?" "We found somebody." "We found this guy in the jail of the sheriff's office." "You let out murdering murphy!" "Y'all are gonna get it for putting me in that there jail." "Stop it!" "Stop your bad historical acting right now." "Tarnation, why'd you let murdering murphy go?" "He's a bad man." "I'm the Bad man!" "Do you get that?" "Knock it off and give me the mine shaft access code." "You're just gonna have to kill us, mister." "'Cuz you ain't making no sense at all." "I won't kill you if you don't tell me." "I'll kill one of them!" "Not me!" "Not me!" "Not me!" "Not me!" "Not me!" "You want to see a child die?" "No!" "They don't want to see a child" "I am so disappointed in myself." "Teacher gave me a responsibility." "I was just supposed to look after my partner and I blew it." "Don't be too hard on yourself, butters." "You can't help being a douche bag." "Wait, butters!" "Look!" "This is it." "This is our chance!" "Swing over, butters." "Go!" "Quick, are you ready?" "We got to jump!" " Let's do it." " Ready?" "Go!" "What about you?" "Will you tell us the access code, or do you want to see this kid die?" "I'm sorry." "I'm a woman." "And women in our timime ain't allowed to know the carryings-on of the town proper." "God dammit!" "Dude!" "They're gonna kill kenny!" "I can't let them do it." "I've got to make the ultimate sacrifice." "Stan?" "Where are you going, stan?" "Wendy, I have to do something." "Please look away." "All right, that does it." "On the count of three this child dies." " One, two " " Give them the Door code!" "Well, howdy there, strangers!" "Sorry to interrupt you." "But i done come from pagosa springs to buy me some wares and such." " Oh, welcome, partner!" " Howdy!" " Welcome!" " Howdy there!" "What, what are you doing?" "Say, i heard y'all had some difficulty with a criminal getting out of your jail." "That's right!" "Murdering murphy!" "He's crazy 'cuz somebody killed his paw." "They killed my paw!" "I reckon that maybe you could make a jail door that opened with numbers instead of keys." "You know like a big safe." "Yeah!" "I understand that!" "Finally, a feller that talks some sense." "If y'all was to have such a giant safe, what would you villagers want the number to be to unlock that there jail door shuck 'em up?" "Well, i reckon the easiest number to remember for any big safe door lock would be 1864." "Up!" "1864, 'cuz that's what year it is!" "We'll take the hostages with us." "No!" "You got your door code." "Let us go!" "Copy that." "What's the code, over?" "Sweet." "There's still cops looking for us in here." "All right." "Follow my lead, butters." "Oh, man, hasn't this place been fascinating, butters?" "Yeah, it sure has." "Oh, I just don't know what I've liked better -- the historical buildings and artifacts or the, the " "Or the witty anecdotes of the towns people." "Witty anecdotes, yes." "That's been awesome." "Been a hoot." "All right!" "Get your hands behind your head." "What'd we do?" "We've been here the whole time." "Shut up!" "Put your hands behind your head." "Do it now!" "Let go of each other!" "Do what I tell you!" "Our teacher said we have to hold hands the whole time we're here!" "Let go or else I'll put a bullet through your hands and make you let go!" "ButterS." " Now!" " No!" "Jesus christ!" "Go!" "Go take care of it." "I'll stay with the hostages." "Hey, murdering murphy." "You see that there feller?" "Yeah." "He done killed your paw." "What?" "I'll rip his head off!" "We got a chance!" "Hostages are clear!" "They're coming in!" "Hostages are secure at the park entrance." "I got you now, pioneer paul." "They should have never let you out of jail, murdering murphy." "Freeze, scumbag!" "It's all over!" "murdering murphy's gonna kill pioneer paul." "Stop right now!" "It's over!" "Howdy, partners." "It's 5 o'clock." "Pioneer village is now closed for the day." "Head back to your wagons and have a safe trip home!" "We made it!" "We maid it!" "Oh, god." "It can't wait to get out of this dress!" " That was great!" " Oh, what a day!" "Listen, if anyone still wants to know, the phone is in the administration building." "You dial 9 to get out and there's actually a back exit behind the horse troughs." "Good night, everybody." "Thanks for coming." "We did it, guys!" "Let's go to tgi fridays and get some jalapeno poppers!" "Yeah!" "That'd be great!" "All right Let's go!" "Stan, you were really brave in there." "But you did kinda sound like a big dork." "I know." "Come on, you!" "You're hurting my arm!" "Too bad." "You'll be going away a long time." "Was it worth it?" "In a way, it was." "I might not have gotten away, but at least I learned a lot about pioneer life in the old west." "Those early settlers didn't have all the modern conveniences we all take for granted." "To think how difficult it was back those times to do something as simple as washing your clothes." "Pioneer village has a lot to teach us all." "That's true." "Hey, look!" "Teacher, my partner is back on the bus."