"[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "This is the story of two sisters:" "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich." "Jessica likes life." "The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music." "The Tates have more secrets than they do money." "We're approaching Mary Campbell's house." "Mary, too, likes life." "Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her." "As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates." "They do, however, have as many secrets." "[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica apologised to Corinne for having an affair with Peter." "But Corinne refused to forgive her mother and moved out of the house and in with Peter, leaving Jessica sad and Chester mad." "Burt received a telegram announcing the arrival of his other son, Chuck, and Chuck's little wooden doll, Bob, who Chuck believes is real." "The Godfather gave Danny a key to a cabin in the woods where a gun is hidden in the fireplace and told him he must take Burt there within two days and kill him or the mob will kill Danny." "Confused?" "You won't be after this week's episode of Soap." "Well, he's your father, Jessica." "Where is he?" "Well, Chester, I..." "I..." "I don't..." "Benson." "Benson." "Benson, where is he?" "Wonderful." "Just wonderful." "I kill myself in the kitchen all day and then nobody eats." "Benson." "Look at this." "Not one plate touched." "Well, let's not waste all this good food." "Let's invite the Campbells over." "They can throw it around." "Benson, one of the reasons we're not eating is because we are all worried and upset about The Major's disappearance." "And The Major would not have disappeared if you had been watching him." "It ain't my job to watch him." "The less I see of him, the better." "Benson, when was the last time you saw him?" "I saw him this morning." "He was running around in that camouflage outfit of his, terrorising the gardener." "Then he left." "Did he say where he was going, Benson?" "On patrol." "Well, what does that mean?" "It means Grandpa's bonkers." "It means, Jessica, that he's gotten himself into one hell of a fix again, that's what it means." "It means, Jessica, that in the course of 24 hours, your daughter has left home, and your father has disappeared." "It means that perhaps you are letting this household get the better of you." "Oh, it's not her fault." "She's not responsible for the..." "Benson." "You are sitting at the table." "Good, Mr. Tate." "And this is standing." "And this is leaving." "Jessica, do you remember the last time your father disappeared?" "Do you remember how he took the 8:12 commuter train into Manhattan and attacked the German consulate?" "It caused an international incident, Jessica." "I had to apologise to two governments." "And remember on December 7th, when he captured the entire staff of Benihana's of Tokyo?" "[LAUGHING]" "It cost me a fortune to keep him out of the banana hatch that time, Jessica." "At ease, men." "JESSICA:" "Oh, Daddy." "There he is, Chester." "Where the devil have you been?" "Easy, colonel." "I think your anger will be assuaged when you see what I have brought you." "There he is." "One of the Nazi's top spies." "God, it's Mr. Kirby." "Oh, dear." "Are you crazy?" "This is Mr. Kirby, our neighbour." "Don't let him fool you." "He's a master of disguise." "Mr. Kirby, I am..." "I'm so sorry." "Tate..." "How about a nice glass of iced tea, Mr. Kirby?" "I have had it, Tate." "No, not a word." "Don't say a word." "There is nothing you can say to me, Tate." "There is nothing you can say to a man who has spent an entire afternoon locked in the trunk of his car." "Oh." "What man was locked in the trunk of his car?" "It isn't..." "It isn't enough that I occasionally get shot at." "No, today..." "Today I get into my car, and halfway down the street a gun was placed at the back of my head." "I hid in the back seat." "Some cold lemonade?" "I was then ord..." "I was then ordered to drive out to the city dump where..." "Where he proceeded to grill me for hours about troop movements on the Heifetz River." "Yes, heh." "KIRBY:" "I showed him my licence," "My credit cards even, to prove I was an American." "I kept yelling out of the trunk of the car, "Corn Flakes," "McDonald's, Reggie Jackson, toilet paper."" "I sang the "Star-Spangled Banner," but he wouldn't believe me." "Of course I didn't believe you." "He couldn't tell me who played third base for the Yankees in 1931." "Tell him, colonel." "He doesn't know, you idiot." "KIRBY:" "So that's it, Tate." "I'm going on record right now, I swear, if I ever catch that lunatic near me again, I'll have him put away." "JESSICA:" "A diet soda?" "KIRBY:" "No." "Will you try and understand?" "One more incident and they are going to lock you up and put you away." "Yes, colonel." "But once I'm on the inside, I'll find out all their secrets, tunnel out, and lead our boys to safety." "Good thinking, colonel." "It's thinking like that that's going to make you a general before this war is over." "[♪♪♪]" "Hey, hey." "You." "Yeah." "Yeah, you." "What is this, some national holiday I didn't hear about?" "I ought to start paying you guys by the piece." "Maybe I'll get a little action around here." "Terrific." "I ask the union for some high steel-workers." "They send me steel workers who are high." "Oh, you hippies." "Burt." "Danny?" "Danny!" "Danny." "Danny." "Danny, what a surprise." "Hey, good to see you, fella." "Yeah, I know, I know." "Hard to find words, isn't it, huh?" "Is that's some view, huh?" "Look over there." "Central Park." "Over there, the World Trade Center." "Down there, Fifth Avenue from 42 storeys up." "Huh?" "See all those little ants down there?" "Those are buses." "Heh, heh, heh." "Burt." "BURT:" "What?" "Burt, listen." "This friend of mine has a cabin up in the Poconos..." "Hey." "You don't leave that riveting gun there, you jerk." "What are you trying to do?" "Kill somebody?" "Last time somebody left something like that laying around, it fell." "Knocked a hole in a guy's head the size of the Grand Canyon." "Of course, the size of the hole in his head was relatively unimportant since he went crashing down 700 feet anyway." "You should've seen the thing." "What a mess." "I mean, picture a watermelon..." "Oh, Burt." "Sorry, Danny." "Go ahead, what is it?" "Burt, look." "This friend of mine has a cabin up in the Poconos." "I was wondering, maybe, uh..." "Maybe you'd like to go up there fishing with me tomorrow, huh?" "Hey, Danny." "Danny." "Danny." "Oh, Burt." "Danny, you climbed all the way up here to ask me to go fishing with you?" "Oh, Danny." "Danny, Danny, you make me so happy." "Am I happy." "Great." "But I can't go." "What?" "Hey, you with the ponytail." "Watch it, you're gonna have no hair, you creep." "I mean, Chuck's coming tonight from Hawaii." "I mean, can't we make it Saturday?" "No, no, no." "It's gotta be tomorrow." "Well, Danny, I'm sorry." "I mean, I don't know how I..." "Look, Burt, tomorrow's the only day that my friend will be away." "Danny, I don't know..." "Hey." "Hey, you, Pocahontas, over here." "Put down the binoculars." "This is for welding here, not peeping." "Burt, listen." "You and me are going fishing tomorrow together, huh?" "In the Poconos, you and me, fishing together, tomorrow." "Got it?" "Oh, Danny, I'm being such an idiot." "For the first time, my stepson asks me to do something with him, and here am I trying to find reasons why I can't." "Hey." "Danny." "Well, we're going fishing, and we're going tomorrow, huh?" "I mean, after all, I haven't seen Chuck in 15 years." "If I don't see him for one day, it's not going to kill me, is it?" "Hey, hey, you." "What are you, crazy up here?" "[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "DANNY:" "Burt." "For Pete's sake." "DANNY:" "Burt." "[♪♪♪]" "Eleven, 16, 21, carry the two." "I cannot afford all this, Claire." "You are spending a fortune." "Chester, you didn't answer my question." "I asked you if you talked to Jessica." "Well, of course I talked to Jessica." "Every night when I go home, I talk to Jessica." "What's the matter with you, Claire?" "Do I talk to Jessica?" "[CHUCKLING]" "Did you tell Jessica that you're leaving her, Chester?" "What is this?" "Two thousand dollars for wallpaper for your apartment?" "Yes, Chester." "What are you papering the walls in?" "Currency?" "You know, Chester, there is a solution to all this." "If you leave Jessica and move in with me, I'll be happier." "And when I'm happier, I don't spend as much money." "I'm sorry, Claire, you'll just have to wait." "Wait?" "That's right, wait." "Remember 10 years ago, Chester?" "Remember when you said you couldn't leave because little Billy had a perception problem, and if you left then, then he might write backwards for the rest of his life." "So I waited." "And then that cleared up, and Billy could read but suddenly Eunice wouldn't get out of her bathrobe or leave her room and you couldn't leave then." "So I waited." "And then, as soon as Eunice got dressed," "Corinne stopped eating and had to be hospitalised and you couldn't leave until she was keeping solids down." "And so I waited." "Well, now Billy reads, Eunice gets dressed," "Corinne eats, and I'm still waiting." "Well, that's it for waiting, Chester." "You are going to leave Jessica now." "You are going to go home and tell her that you're leaving, and if you don't, Chester, I will." "[CHUCKLING]" "Fine." "Go." "I'll do it, Chester." "I swear." "Fine." "Fine." "Do you need directions to the house?" "I know where you live, Chester." "Good." "Well, goodbye, Claire." "Say hello to Jessica for me." "[CHUCKLES]" "Go to my house and tell Jessica." "Heh, heh." "Never try to bluff a bluffer." "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "I'm so excited, I can hardly contain myself." "After 15 years, I'm gonna be with my son." "Another son." "Two sons in two weeks, that's a son a week." "I don't know." "Oh, Mary, Mary, Mary, I'm so excited." "I haven't taken a good breath all day." "It's just excitement because my son is coming." "Either that or a heart attack." "Yes." "Oh, and you guys." "You guys are gonna love him." "I cant wait, Burt." "I mean, I've always wanted to meet a Hawaiian ventriloquist." "Well, now you will." "One of the best." "He played all the big rooms on the island." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "That's him." "That's him." "Come on, up, he's here." "Get up." "There you go." "[SINGING IN NORMAL AND HIGH-PITCHED VOICES]" "Yeah." "Ha-ha." "Chuck?" "Chuck." "CHUCK:" "Hey, Dad." "BURT:" "Chuck." "Did you see that?" "Did you see it?" "Isn't he great?" "Chuck, I'd like you to meet my wife, Mary." "And her two boys, Danny and Jodie." "Hi." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Okay, I don't need this." "I'm leaving." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, he didn't see you." "I love that." "I didn't fly 6000 miles to be stiffed." "Isn't that cute?" "Cute." "I really don't need this aggravation from the lower-middle class." "Hey." "Dad, could you say hi to him?" "I think his feelings are hurt." "Well, sure." "Hey, Bob." "Nice to see you again." "Did you ever see anything like that?" "Now apologise." "Apologise?" "Well, for ignoring him." "I am sorry." "I am really..." "Hey, Bob." "Come on, Bob." "I'm sorry for ignoring you like that." "It's just that I was so happy to see Chuck here, you know?" "Uh, would you like a drink?" "Uh, no." "Thanks." "Okay, then I'll have one." "Did anyone else notice I wasn't introduced to the rest of the family?" "What is it?" "My skin's different?" "I'm not good enough?" "Oh, of course you are." "Hi, Bob." "I'm Mary." "Hi, Mary." "And this is Danny." "How are you?" "Hi, Dan." "And that's Jodie." "BOB:" "Hello, Jodie." "Hi." "And you get uncomfortable around homosexuals, huh?" "[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "Have an hors d'oeuvre." "I don't eat meat." "Yuck." "I'm gonna love it here." "You know, this is terrific." "How do you make it work?" "Get away from me!" "Get away..." "Take it easy." "Take it easy." "Take it easy?" "Well, did he look under your clothes, huh?" "Can I look under her skirt?" "Bob's a little upset." "He hates to travel." "Drop dead." "Got a little plane sick." "What did he do?" "Throw up sawdust?" "[LAUGHING]" "Oh, fine." "Now the sissy's starting in." "Hey, my brother is not a sissy." "He's a..." "BOB:" "Ahh!" "Bob." "Bob." "Bob, are you okay?" "BOB:" "Danny hurt me." "What is it, Bob?" "BOB:" "My head is stuck." "[GRUNTING]" "It's stuck." "BOB:" "I know that." "Help me!" "All right, all right." "I'm gonna do it." "It's moving." "BOB:" "Not that way." "Hey, is he okay?" "He's fine." "Knock on wood." "[LAUGHING]" "Up your kazoo, butterfly." "Hey..." "Listen, uh, would you like to freshen up a little bit before dinner?" "Yeah, I'd like that." "Oh, well, good." "You can just go right upstairs and I'll bring up your stuff in a minute or so." "You can take a shower." "All Bob needs is a little Lemon Pledge." "I love Anita Bryant." "I love your family." "Oh, this is great." "Your father just laughs and stutters, the dame just sits, one guy's a fruit and the other guy's got an IQ slightly higher than kelp." "Oh, it's great." "Well, they had a long trip." "I'm sure after they get washed up and rested, why, Bob will be in a much better mood." "Burt." "He's a dummy." "BOB:" "I heard that!" "[MUTTERS]" "[♪♪♪]" "Believe me, Mrs. Tate, I didn't want to be the one to have to tell you this, but Chester just hasn't given me any choice." "I'm sorry." "[DOOR THUDS]" "Well, well, well, look who's here." "Glad to see you, Mr. Tate." "Nice to have you home early." "Let me take that from you." "All right, Benson, you're being too nice." "What's going on?" "It's a surprise." "Let me fix you a drink." "Benson, how many times do I have to tell you I am on a diet?" "I don't want a drink." "You're gonna want this one." "I said, no." "Where is Mrs. Tate?" "In the dining room." "Why don't you pop in and say hello?" "[MUTTERING]" "Hello, Chester." "I was just leaving." "Well, nice seeing you, Mrs. Tate." "I'm sorry it couldn't have been under more pleasant circumstances." "Jessica..." "Chester, I..." "I know, horrified." "I..." "I..." "Speechless." "I'm speechless, Chester, and anguished." "I know, I know." "I'm, uh, anguished and speechless." "I wish there were something I could say." "Well, there's nothing to say, Chester." "Oh, well, of course." "I mean, of course words can't express the, uh..." "The sorrow." "The tragedy." "Tragedy?" "Well, maybe tragedy." "Okay, I guess tragedy." "And horror." "Oh, horror, yes." "The horror..." "I'm sorry, Jess." "I'm..." "From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry you had to hear." "Please, don't apologise, Chester." "Oh, well, I know it's just words..." "You must promise me one thing, Chester." "I'll get rid of her, Jess." "You must promise me not to fire her." "Absol..." "What?" "Well, Chester, I mean that girl is sick." "She is so far gone already that something like that might just push her right over the edge." "Yes, I..." "I see what you mean." "Yes." "JESSICA:" "Oh, poor, sad girl." "I mean, Chester, to be so much in love with you that she's convinced herself that you feel the same way." "And, Chester, that's not all." "I mean, to believe..." "And believe me, Chester, I mean, she really does believe it, that you're actually having an affair with her." "The mind, Jess." "The tricks the mind plays." "Poor thing." "Yes." "Well, Chester, you know, under the circumstances," "I mean, it's not really her fault." "I mean, what woman in the world wouldn't fall in love with you, Chester?" "Oh, I don't know." "Now, I'm going to go upstairs and draw a nice, hot bath." "So you can have a good, long, relaxing soak before dinner." "Okay?" "Benson, why are you standing there with that martini?" "I told you I was on the diet." "Mr. Tate, I have seen dumb luck in my time." "I have seen a guy fill an inside straight flush to beat four aces." "I have seen a guy hit the daily double for two solid weeks." "Straight." "But I have never, at no time, seen nothing like this." "[♪♪♪]" "BURT:" "Danny, you should've seen the look on your face." "Well, I thought it was a snake." "A snake with leaves?" "Hey, you know, Danny, I'm so happy." "Yeah." "Me too." "I mean, to have a real buddy." "I mean..." "You know, I've always been kind of a loner." "I don't have a lot of friends, so to have a buddy who lives in the same house..." "And now Peter's here." "And Chuck and Bob are here." "Well, I guess it's not fair to count Bob." "He's a... you know, one of those." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Don't clean." "I got to." "This place is a mess." "Yeah, leave it, leave it." "Your mother's not here, we can feel free to be slobs." "Oh, your mother." "Oh, is she happy." "Did you see her face when we left this morning?" "There with those great, big, glistening eyes and that little smile of hers." "You know, the one when she doesn't open her lips." "That's her most very, very, very pleased smile." "The big smile is her moderately pleased smile." "That little smile, where she doesn't smile at all, that is, oddly enough, her most happy smile." "And that was the smile she was smiling this morning." "Danny, what are you doing?" "Let's get out on the lake." "I gotta get this stuff out of the way." "Why?" "Well, uh..." "Well, how are we gonna cook fish if we can't get to the fireplace?" "On the stove." "Burt, fish you buy in the store, you cook on a stove." "Fish you catch, you cook in a fireplace." "There's nothing here." "Yeah." "Well, I mean, ashes, but, Danny, that' s normal for a fireplace." "Funny guy." "Funny guy." "Come on, Dan." "Let's get out on the lake, see how they're hitting." "Tonight we get a fish fry for..." "Uh, Danny?" "Uh, Danny, where are you, Danny?" "DANNY:" "I'm..." "I'm up here." "Danny, uh, what are you doing up the chimney?" "Cleaning out the flue." "Cleaning out the flue?" "Funny guy." "Walks into a cabin, goes right up the chimney, cleans out a flue." "Eh, that could be a safety precaution." "I don't know." "[THUD]" "DANNY:" "Hey, don't touch that." "BURT:" "What is it?" "DANNY:" "Nothing." "Just leave it alone." "It just fell down the chimney." "I know it fell." "Yeah, what's in it?" "Nothing." "I need it, though." "Give it to me, Burt." "I found it." "All right." "All right, all right." "From the looks of this place, it's probably garbage." "Funny, you think you know somebody." "At home, your room's a mess, you throw food all over the kitchen." "We go away for the weekend, you turn out to be Louis Pasteur." "Hey, Danny, you're full of surprises." "Uh, Danny, that's a gun." "Put it down, that's dangerous." "Uh, Danny, what are you doing?" "You're pointing a gun at me." "I'm gonna kill you, Burt." "Pfft." "Heh-heh." "That's funny." "Oh." "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Will Claire come up with a new plan to force Chester into leaving Jessica?" "Will Chester leave Jessica?" "If he does, will Jessica know it?" "Will The Major continue fighting World War II single-handedly?" "Will Bob, the wooden doll, relax and enjoy his stay with the Campbells, or will he continue to act warped?" "Now that Danny has the gun in his hand, will he pull the trigger and kill Burt?" "And if he does, will Burt finally stop laughing and take him seriously?" "These questions and others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap." "[♪♪♪]"