"( theme music playing )" "( train chugging )" "you find me standing in the corridor of the 11:15 express to geneva." "i am here because it was my plan to elope to the swiss mountains with my waitress, yvette." "unfortunately, my wife, edith, received the note which was intended for yvette." "so the sleeping bunk which should be occupied by yvette, at the moment contains edith." "the train is traveling at 70 miles an hour, so i cannot throw myself off." "rene, rene?" "oh, rene, come to bed." "in a moment, my love, after i have been to the little boy's room." "forgive me for being so impatient." "it is like the first night of my honeymoon." "my heart is pounding in time to the pistons of the engine." "as you can see, she has built up quite a head of steam." "i must hide and think of what to do next." "stop fidgeting, gruber." "i'm sorry, colonel." "i find it most frustrating to think that the genuine paintings are just a few feet from us, in that safe." "could we not blow the lock with our pistols?" "we want to substitute these forgeries without arousing suspicion." "we must rely on helga." "have you got the key from the swedish art expert?" "i have not yet located him." "why do you not find the sleeping car attendant and take a look at his plan?" "good thinking!" "have you the pills to drug his coffee?" " in my handbag." " good." "when he is unconscious, you will obtain the key of the safe." "yes, colonel." "( shriek ) i beg your pardon?" "( snoring ) sorry, sorry." "ah, thank god." "how did she get here?" "she also must have found the note, and thought it was for her." "one should never put anything in writing." "( shriek ) sorry." "( snoring ) beg your pardon." "rene, at last i have found you." "mimi, where have you been?" "rene, you left me the note, but you did not leave me the ticket." "oh, edith has got the ticket." "she thought the note was for her." "she's on the train." "she-- she must not find us." "edith:" "rene." "oh my god." "sorry." "i will hide with you." "oh, yes." "rene, rene." "( shriek ) oh, sorry!" "( snore ) pardon." "( kissing noises ) aah, honeymooners." "what am i going to do?" "stay here and have a good think." "the coffee is nearly ready, herr flick." "we will now proceed to each compartment on the pretext of taking orders for coffee." "here is a picture of the swedish art expert." "fix it firmly in your mind." "when we find him, we will drug his coffee, remove the key, seize the painting, pull the communication cord and vanish into the night." "( giggling ) it's a devilish plan." "of course." "proceed." "orders for coffee." "orders for coffee." "mimi, my dear sweet, unsophisticated child, of course i want to elope with you." "but edith also found that note, and thought it was for her." "that is why she is on the train." "what sort of life are we going to have together in switzerland, with her climbing every mountain looking for us?" "we could drop a rock on her head." "no, the whole plan has gone wrong." "if she found you, she would kill you." "the train is slowing down." "you must jump." "rene, i do not want to jump." "the ground is so hard." "we are alongside a river." "but i love you!" "and i love you too." "oh, i cannot bear to part like this." "go quickly and do not look back." "i cannot do it." "edith:" "rene, rene." " yes, you can." " aarghh!" "rene!" "rene, what are you doing?" "just getting a breath of fresh air, my love." "you go back to the bunk and wait for me, my dear." "oh rene, you are such a tease." "you know how i like to be tantalized." "now where is the reservation plan?" "the swedish art expert, monsieur yoop hoop dehoop." "that will be the one." "compartment 12b." "ooh, here you are." "have you found him?" "he is in compartment 12b." "i am preparing for him the drugged coffee." "look out. the stewards are returning." "he is not in the forward carriages." "we must now search the rest of the train." "some unauthorized person has poured out coffee." "waste not, want not." "now let us search." "here is 12b." "get into conversation with him." "i will bring the coffee." "von smallhausen, you are lagging behind." "my head is spinning." "you search this compartment, i will search this one." "i will try, but my legs are wobbly." "flick:" "the gestapo do not have wobbly legs." "i am the sleeping car attendant, taking orders for coffee." "do any of you want coffee?" "is there anybody here?" "a nun" "another nun!" "who is it in this bunk?" "( gruber disguising voice ) i am a very old nun-- go away." "i am sorry old nun." "i will not trouble you any further." "colonel:" "helga, gruber, where are you?" "oh my god, the colonel!" "edith:" "rene, rene-- i'm getting impatient." "i have been tantalized long enough." "rene." "how did you know i was here?" "hmmm?" "helga, where are you?" "helga?" "ah, the key!" "well done." "i will take that." "at least i would, were i not about to become unconscious." "rene!" "yvette, how did you get here?" "it was not easy without a ticket." "monsieur leclerc got the notes in a muddle." "but i managed to catch the train, and i have been searching for you ever since." "i have bad news." "edith is on board, but do not worry, i-- i still have the gold." "oh, rene, hold me, crush me to you." "no, there is no time for all that." "quick, hide in a bunk." "psst, it is i, leclerc." "what are you doing here, you bungling idiot?" "i have for you, a message from michelle, about the exploding christmas puddings." "what about the exploding christmas puddings?" "two of them are to be dropped down the funnel of the engine, when we go under the bridge at abbeville." "oh my god!" "what time are we due there?" "let's see, three minutes ago." "we are running late." "edith:" "rene." "quick." "it is edith, hide." " i will hide her." " oh!" "rene, oh, rene." "i can wait no longer." "edith, hold on." "there is going to be a big bang." "i know, but when?" "( brakes squeal; people scream )" "you can all go away." "i am not opening until 12:00." ""headline news, geneva express blown up by christmas pudding."" "it was a night i shall never forget, and what an anticlimax." "here was i, hoping to elope to switzerland with the lovely yvette." "and where do i find myself?" "3:00 in the morning, returning home with my wife, on the back of a fish lorry." "well, fortunately, edith still does not know that yvette was on the train." "how the poor child will get home, i have no idea." "she has no money." "at this moment she is probably tramping across a plowed field in her high heels." "rene-eee!" " yvette?" "!" " oh, rene, all the way from abbeville on roller skates." "yvette, thank heavens you are safe." "what about the others?" "have you seen monsieur leclerc?" "he, too, has roller skates." "where is he?" "oh, just outside nouvion, he broke the balls of his bearings." "rene, can we elope again tomorrow?" "i think i will have to rest up a bit." "oh, rene, hold me, crush me to you." "( growling )" " rene!" " oooh!" "what are you doing with your arms around that girl?" "you stupid woman!" "can you not see that she is upset because you and i did not succeed in eloping together." "she had in her mind only our happiness." "why is she wearing roller skates?" "we are her family." "if we had gone, what would she have had left?" "she was skating to the orphanage, the only place where she knows true happiness." "on the way there, she saw those headlines." "but she has a mother." "why was she in an orphanage?" "she was a difficult child, she came from a broken home-- her mother used to live with a greengrocer." "he used to beat her daily with long green beans." "rene, do not reveal any more." "oh, the poor child." "skate into the kitchen, i will get you some soup." "rene!" "my god, the gold." "what is the matter?" "i thought i would be in switzerland by the time the general discovered that it had gone." "now i am in nouvion." "we could all be shot." " i must go and put it back." " put it back where?" "back with the rest of the gold!" "in the safe in the police station." "no, keep it." "we will elope again tonight." "tonight could be too late." "now could be too late." "no, no, i must go and talk to that idiot crabtree." "good moaning." "for once i am glad to see you." "i need the key to your safe." "why?" "i pinched four bars of the general's gold." "i know." "i spitted you toking it." "when the general finds out, he could shoot half of nouvion." "do not wirry." "i have squoozed into the lock, hard sitting glue." "if he cannot open it, he will not knee that it is gine." "here is the timetable." "we will leave by the next train." "there are no troons." "the one that was derooled by the christmas pidding is still blicking the loon." "this is not my day." "rene, let us blow open the safe." "edith, what are you talking about?" "we have in our cellar exploding christmas puddings." "we could squash one well into the lock, light the fuse and stand well back." "and how will we know how much christmas pudding to use?" "well, we can start with four tablespoonsful and work up from there." "by the time they have cleared the line you and i can elope together with all the gold." "come, let us pick a pudding." "she is money mad." "he means minney mod." "colonel:" "we have all had a very narrow escape but we've achieved our objective, and the paintings, in all their glory, are in our possession, and safely resting in the body of the statue." "the forgeries which i put in their place, will no doubt be recovered in due course." "i have to report that the forgeries have already been recovered by herr flick, who has put in their place two other forgeries." "yes, yes." "there's an almost poetic beauty to this situation." "concealed in this beautiful statue we have the original masterpieces." "herr flick thinks that he has the original masterpieces, and the general has the gold from the swedish art expert, who believes that he bought the masterpieces." "and rene does not know about our operation, so he does not get his cut." "general von klinkerhoffen." " hell hitler." " all: hell hitler." "gruber, i have a task for you." "i put some not very important papers in the safe in the police station." "unfortunately, some practical joker has gummed up the lock so i can't use the key." "i wish you, therefore, to take your tank and transfer it to my chateau, where the unimportant papers will be safe." "very good, general." "colonel:" "will that be all?" "no." "this statue." "what statue?" "i like it." "it would look rather nice in my chateau." "really it's such a cheap and ugly thing." "are you questioning my taste?" "i will take it." "could we... perhaps... deliver it for you?" "no, i will take it now." "guards, put this statue in my car." "hell hitler." "hell hitler." "all right, there is the safe." "edith, be careful!" "i will witch out of the wandow." "if anyone comes this woo, i will give you two wonks." "bertorelli:" "make the attention!" "i said, make the attention." "you put the legs together, you make the spine straight." "no smoke the fag when you make the attention!" "slope the arms." "before the officer." "present the arms." "what you think of them, eh?" "i suspect they have never done it better." "i wonder if you could assist me?" "i have to remove a heavy safe, from the police station, onto the back of my little tank." "do you have four strong men?" "help yourself." "you ask them." "pay attention." "( men growl ) settle down." "i am looking for four strong men." "you bet your life you are!" "edith, do not push so hard." "this is a highly explosive christmas pudding we have here." "it is a very big lock." "i have used half the christmas pudding already." "i am sure that is enough." "where is the fuse?" "it is here, it is disguised as holly." "now, light it." "all right." "let us take cover, quick." "do not panic." "it is a two minute fuse." "we have plenty of time." "psst!" "can you not see me wonking?" "now what is the matter?" "!" "lieutenant gruber is here in his tonk." "oh my god!" "quick, put it out, put it out." "i cannot!" "it is burning inside." "oh my god." "quick, let us go out the back way." "it must have gone out." "i can no longer hear it fizzing." "rene?" "i keep meeting you in the most unexpected places." "um... we were just reporting a missing hen." "on the orders of general von klinkerhoffen i am requisitioning this safe." "where is it going?" "to the general's quarters at the chateau." "men, take it out through the back passage." "you cannot tick it unless i have a sogniture." "here is the order." "put it into the tank, men." "oh, rene, i, uh... i have long promised you a spin in my little tank." "would you care to accompany me to the chateau?" "well, that is a very kind thought, lieutenant." "what if the fuse has not gone out?" "but this time, i will give it a miss, if that is all the same to you." "me, i have never been in the german tank." "i travel with you." "lieutenant, perhaps the captain could drive your tank while you came and had a drink with me?" "oh, an invitation i cannot refuse." "the safe is loaded, capitano." "good, we come." "right, move your butts." "rene, i think we should not be seen walking together." "i will go ahead." "i will follow." "shoo!" "hey!" "it's nice, eh?" "you watch as your capitano go off in cloud of smoke, eh?" "ciao." "do not give it too much throttle, or you will get a little backfire." "( engine starts )" "i-- i give him too much throttle." "( theme music playing )"