"Two weeks ago I had my picture taken..." "Look up." "Good, good." "It was a promotional photo for my column scheduled to run on the side of a bus." "I had misgivings." "Which were mollified when they said I could keep the dress." "Friday night." "In lieu of any actual social life of their own," "Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte had all stopped by to live vicariously through my first official date with Mr Big." "Carrie!" "Honey it's fabulous." "Bravo!" "It's tits on toast, baby." "But you make it work." "It's the '"naked dress'"." "You're obviously gonna have sex with him tonight." " It's our first date!" " She's just gonna look like sex." " That's right, I'm just the trailer." " Please, if it happens, it happens." " Bottoms up." " Wait a second!" "If you're serious about this guy, you can't sleep on the first date." "Oh, God." "Here she goes again with The Rules." "The women who wrote that book, couldn't get laid." "They constructed this whole bullshit theory to make women who can get laid feel bad." "But if you're serious about a guy, keep him waiting for at least five dates." " Oh, you've gone up." " Yes." "The number of dates that you wait to have sex is proportional to your age." "Forget the math, don't fuck on a first date, you're fine." " Third date." " Too soon!" "A guy can just as easily dump you if you fuck him on the first date" " as he can on the 10th." " When have you ever been on a 10th?" " By then you're emotionally involved." " Exactly!" "Isn't it better to find out if the sex is good before anybody's feelings get hurt?" " It's OK to feel hurt." " And you handle that so well!" " There is a case for restraint." " When did you become a Victorian?" "The Victorians valued romance." "True romance cannot exist without good sex." "And yet you can have good sex with someone you don't respect." "Or even remember." "All right, well, ladies I'm just going to dinner." " Goodnight." " Goodbye, have fun." "Bye!" "Truth is I was dying to sleep with him." "But isn't delayed gratification the definition of maturity?" " Interesting dress." " Meaning?" "Interesting dress." " Don't worry." "I can restrain myself." " So can I." "I can't be hemmed in by rules." "I go with my emotions." "Some of the greatest romances of all time began with sex on the first date I bet." "I will not be the first one to speak." "And if he never calls me again, I'll always think of him fondly... as an asshole." "That was really..." "Can you believe we..." "on the first date?" "I mean, I didn't plan that, you know." "What do you think?" "I thought it was pretty fucking great." "But what do I know?" "You feel like getting some Szechwan?" "Had Mr Big discovered my weakness for great sex and greasy Chinese?" "Or was going out to dinner a diversionary tactic to keep me from spending the night?" "Before I was able to completely indulge my paranoia..." "It was my pal, Mike Singer." "We've known each other for ten years, but never had sex, because we want to know each other for another ten." " Hey!" " Carrie, what are you doing here?" "I'm with..." "I'll tell you all about it later." " You look great." " Not too naked?" "Just naked enough." "Hi, I'm Carrie Bradshaw." "I'm an old friend of Mike's." "I'm Libby Biyalick." "It's so nice to finally meet a friend." " So, I'll call you." " OK, great." "Well, have a good dinner." "Nice to meet you." "I left wondering why Mike didn't want to introduce me to his date." "That very same night, something absolutely amazing happened to Miranda." "Oh, my God!" "I'm so sorry." "She met someone in gym class." " Are you sure you're OK?" " I'm fine." "So, what exactly about my head pissed you off?" " I wish there was something I could do." " You could buy me dinner sometime." "And a CAT scan." "His name was Ted Baker." "32, a sports medicine doctor with an apartment overlooking the Natural History Museum." "Three prior serious relationships, none resulting in marriage." "A kiss to make it better." "So, really, can I call you sometime?" "Sure." "He left a message on my machine when I got home." " He wants to go out this week." " That's fantastic!" "No, it's too quick." "Maybe that kick in his head scrambled his brains." "No, too quick is sleeping with him on the first date." "That's too quick." "You both got excited and you went for it." "Stop blaming yourself." "No, I don't blame myself, I blame the dress." "The dress led me on, it had a life of its own." "We went to this restaurant afterwards, you'll never guess who I ran into." " Who?" " Mike Singer, on a date." " The whole world's in love." " I'm not sure, I don't know." "He was acting very weird." "Like he didn't want me to meet her or something." "What's her name?" "Her name was Libby Biyalick." "Mike told me everything while I helped him pick sheets at Bed Bath And Beyond." " So, how long have you been seeing her?" " A while." " Is this a painful topic?" " It's just, she's not someone I date openly." " Why, is she married?" " No." " Is she a cousin?" " No." "The thing is, she's smart, incredibly sweet, and the sex is great." " She's just not the one I see myself with." " Why not?" "It was about three months ago." "Mike had been dumped by Fiona Brooks, a cellist, who he was trying to forget as quickly as possible." "They had both loved to cook, shopping for the week was a Saturday morning ritual." "So he was feeling particularly vulnerable when..." "Care to try some sheep's milk cheese from the Tyrolean Alps?" "Thanks." " It's good." " It's made by monks." " Really?" " Trappist monks." "Fresh goat cheese from the Napa Valley." "It's delicious." "L'Explorateur." "It's a triple cream from France." "Mike found himself very uninhibited." "Since he didn't think Libby was that gorgeous, there wasn't any pressure." "Next morning, he woke up and felt at ease, very relaxed." "I'm a creative director of an ad agency but... eventually I'd love to have my own shop." "I'd love to have my own shop, too." "Well, cheese shop, I mean." "She was one of the only women he'd ever met who he felt he could just be with." " So what's the problem?" " Look, she's not beautiful, we don't have a lot in common." "Most of her friends are in dairy." "But she's warm, and unpretentious and... it is the best sex I've ever had in my life." "What are you afraid of?" "What other people are going to think?" "She's not the right woman for me in the larger sense." "So I keep her a secret." "I couldn't decide whether Mike was being shallow or honest." "But the question nagged me for days." "How many of us out there are having great sex with people we're ashamed to introduce to our friends?" "Have I ever had fabulous sex with someone I didn't want to admit to?" "Did I tell you about that jazz musician who lived with his mother in Queens?" " Yeah, Alex." " What about the window washer?" "The one who doesn't wear any underwear?" "I met this gorgeous kid in Spy Bar last year." "He turned out to be in high school." "Evidently, Samantha had had lots of sex, none of which was secret." "Fine, it just proves I'm not ashamed of anyone I've slept with." "OK, here it is." "Oh, you look..." "Naked." "There it was, the dress that led me down the garden path with Mr Big." " I shouldn't be embarrassed?" " No, you look fabulous!" " There's no such thing as bad publicity." " You would say that, you're a publicist." "We must go someplace fabulous where we can toast you, where the bus goes by." " You can invite Mr Big." " No, I don't think so." "I haven't heard from him since we spent the night together." "Sweetie, forget about him." "You're going to be on the side of a bus." "Ten million men will be drooling over you every morning on their way to work." "It's the best personal ad I've ever seen in my life." "Samantha had a particular knack for turning a desperate situation into a hopeless one." "Speaking of secret sex, did Charlotte ever tell you about the rabbi?" "The rabbi?" " Excuse me?" " You know who I'm talking about." "I cannot believe you're interrogating me at work!" "I'm sorry, it's my fault." "Anyway, he wasn't a rabbi." "He was a Hasidic folk artist from Brooklyn." "Close enough." "Charlotte had seen Shmuel's work, and arranged to meet him at his studio." "These are outstanding, so much life." " You have a beautiful way with light." " Thank you." " Now this one is really special." " That's my yeshiva." "I wanted to capture the exuberance of youth." "Charlotte was intoxicated by his talent, strangeness, and the smell of his wool." "Magical." "It was so sexy, so forbidden." "Daddy's little Episcopalian princess in the arms of one of God's chosen people." "We would talk about art, sex and the Torah." " Why didn't you introduce him to anybody?" " I was embarrassed." "I couldn't really date him." "And he couldn't date me." " What would people think?" " If the sex is good, who cares?" "You can't put this in your column." "Promise!" "I promise." "Was secret sex the ultimate form of intimacy, since it existed in a pure state, exempt from the judgment of the world?" "Or is it just another way to deny our feelings and emotionally compartmentalise our lives?" " Hello?" " Do you miss me yet?" " Who is this?" " How have you been?" "Great." " Fabulous." "Fantastic, actually, and you?" " Well, at the risk of sounding trite," " I can't stop thinking about you." " I adore trite." "Listen, we should have a real first date." "You know?" "The traditional American type." "Dinner and a movie?" "Of course, knowing us, we'll skip the movie." "As long as we don't skip dinner." "What a relief." "I had just escaped the sex on the first date curse." "That weekend, I was with a man whose name I wanted to shout from the rooftops." "Let me get this straight..." " Your picture is going to be on a bus." " That's right." "A cross town bus, or a downtown bus?" "The M2." "It goes right down 5th." "That's a good line." "I'm getting together a group of friends tomorrow afternoon to watch it go by." "I thought, maybe if you weren't doing anything..." "Hey, how are you?" "Hey, how are you?" "It's good to see you." " You remember Phyllis." " Of course, Phyllis, how are you?" " Everything good?" " Yeah, everything's dandy." "Well, that's what I hear." " So, good to see you." " Good to see you again." "Bye-bye, cheers." " Who was that?" " Some guy I skied with in Aspen." "I didn't understand." "Had I become the invisible woman?" "I tried not to let it bother me." "I also tried not to let it bother me that he took me back to Fung Wa, scene of our post-coital dinner." " I can't make your party tomorrow." " I wanted to introduce you to my friends." "Well, I'll be home later if you miss me." "As I surveyed the room," "I realised it smelled like a cheap date you don't want anyone to meet." "I told Mr Big I was on a deadline and had to get home." " Hello?" " Listen, I have a question." "Of all the restaurants in Manhattan, why take Libby to Fung Wa?" "It's pretty obscure." "Not much chance of seeing anybody I know." "You mean, it's a place men take women they don't want to be seen with." "Yes, it is perfect for that." "Oh, sorry." "The evidence was mounting." "Was it possible that I had become Mr Big's secret sex girl?" "The next morning, Miranda discovered a shocking sex secret of her own." "She had just spent a wonderful night with Ted, who had to leave early to catch a flight to DC for a spinal conference." " I can go home, it's no big deal." " No, stay, it's 6:00am." "I'll be back tonight." "Want to do something?" " I'd love to." " All right, I'll call you at work." "Have a good flight." "Miranda waited for the dead bolt to drop, and then ransacked Ted's apartment for pictures of old girlfriends." "She was not at all prepared for what she found." "Yeah?" "You feel your cock where it wants to be every night?" "Every night when you come home and everything's done in the house..." "I don't know what to do." "I can't admit to finding this, but now I don't know if I want to see him again." "How can you judge him until you spank him?" " I'm only kidding." " But obviously this is what he's into." "Maybe it's just his fantasy life." "Later, the cream of New York gathered to toast the maiden voyage of my bus." " Where's Mr Big?" " He couldn't make it." " What do you mean he couldn't make it?" " I don't know, it's a work thing." " But this is your bus party!" " I told you, you shouldn't have..." "No, never mind." "What?" "He's not here because I slept with him on the first date?" "Basically, yes." "If you sleep with a man on the first date, the relationship can't be more than sex." "I didn't want to admit she was right." "Here it comes!" "I just wanted to see my bus and get the hell out of there." "Oh, shit." " Carrie, hi, did I miss it?" " Hi, not yet, no." " I thought you were bringing Libby..." " Oh, yeah." "I finally asked her to join me in public and she turns me down." "Why?" "She's met somebody else, who doesn't have my problems with intimacy." " I'm sorry." " Quiet, here you come!" "Don't worry sweetie, don't worry." "Nobody in New York notices a bus until it's about to hit them." "That's right." "Meanwhile, Miranda spent another wonderful evening with Ted and began to re-evaluate her options." "That was one of the most amazing meals I've ever had." "Thank you." "My pleasure." "You know, I missed you today." "You did?" "I guess I've just been waiting all this time for a good kick in the head." "And I thought all you really wanted was a good spanking." " Excuse me?" " You heard me." "Ted didn't take Miranda home that night." "He never took her calls or returned her messages." "And she never saw him at the gym again." "Very late that night, fuelled by a massive quantity of champagne," "I decided to say goodbye to Mr Big." "I just came here to tell you that if you're embarrassed or ashamed to be involved with me in any way, that we can no longer see each other." "The truth is, I blamed myself." "I wore the naked dress on our first date, I slept with him too fast, and now I'm on a 5th Avenue bus with a penis on my head." " What are you talking about?" " You won't introduce me to your friends." "You take me to a restaurant men use for women they don't want to be seen with." "You won't meet my friends." "You have me in a niche - certain events, restaurants, certain people." "Like I'm only a particular fragment of the kind of person you think that you should be dating." "But I've only gotten to know a particular fragment." "Although, I'm beginning to know more." "No, this is not me." "This is me reacting to your perception of me." "Oh, OK." "Well..." "I think Fung Wa's is the best Chinese food in the city, so that's why we went there." "The guy we met in the street," "I couldn't remember his name, which possibly means I have Alzheimer's." "So that's what that was about." "And this afternoon I had courtside tickets to the Knicks, and that's all folks!" "I should have been jumping for joy, but I only felt a hard knot of fear." "So you and me..." "Maybe this is for real?" "Could be..."