"This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "Yes." "What?" "Jodie, I can't hear you." "Speak slowly." "It's a bad connection." "Did you find her?" "What did he say?" "Did he find her?" "Where is he?" "When is he comin' home?" "Now, where the hell are they?" "Chuck, could you keep it down?" "Bob, will you eat something?" "You'll feel better." "Eat..." "Who can eat?" "Our baby is missing, and you want me to eat?" "Boys!" "Wendy, Wendy, Wendy, Wendy." "Any leads?" "What?" "Oh." "I see, no." "No leads!" "Did you hear that?" "No leads!" "Shh!" "Jodie." "Jodie, when are you coming home?" "Oh, wonderful!" "Tonight." "Great." "Did you wear a warm jacket?" "I'm not being a mother." "You're in Alaska." "It's very cold there." "Besides, I'm your mother." "Have you eaten?" "Did you hear that?" "Wendy's in Alaska." "Oh, my God." "Listen, if he sees a pair of a mukluk in a size two, would you tell him to..." "Quiet!" "I'm sorry if I've been treating you like a kid." "Don't forget to buckle your seatbelt." "Bye." "Food." "I need food." "I'm upset." "I need to eat when I'm upset." "Some people go to a shrink." "I eat." "The money I've spent on Twinkies alone could support Freud," "Jung and Joyce Brothers." "You got a healthy appetite." "Nothing wrong with that." "Oh, it's easy for you to say." "Men don't gain weight like women do." "And if they do, they lose it faster." "Men burn up twice as many calories as women doing the exact same thing." "And they have less body fat." "God is a man." "Hi, Ma." "Hey, guys." "Hey, Dan." "Oh, honey, he just called." "You just missed him." "Oh, damn!" "If I wouldn't have stopped for gas, I coulda talked to him." "Well, it's okay." "He's fine, and he'll be home tonight." "Oh, good." "Who we talkin' about?" "Your brother." "Jodie!" "Boy, the teller of reasoning." "You know, all she said was your brother, and he knew exactly it was Jodie." "I've always been able to do that." "Did Jodie find Wendy?" "No." "Oh, poor guy." "I'd love to sit here and chat, but we got a bowling tournament." "Get the balls, Chuck." "Bob, you're not playin'." "You always throw gutter balls." "I can't help it." "I can't help it." "I look down that alley, I see those stands, and I think I'm about to knock off my entire family." "Well, you're not playin'." "That's it." "Okay, fine, fine." "I'll just sit at the bar with that waitress friend of yours until she gets off work." "Michele?" "Yeah." "The girl who can carry two trays without her hands." "Well, maybe you can play the first game." "I knew you'd see it my way." "See you all." "Uh, Ma..." "I, uh..." "I hate to have to tell you this." "I-I know it's not a good time." "Danny, I'm used to it." "It's never a good time to tell me anything anymore, so go ahead, tell me." "Well, i-i-it's not bad news, Ma." "In fact, it's really good news." "What?" "I'm... in love." "Oh, Danny, that is wonderful." "I am happy for you." "She's a wonderful girl, Ma." "Oh, tell me all about her." "What's she like?" "She's Caucasian, 5-5, about 110 pounds, no distinguishing marks." "Sounds lovely." "Mm-hm." "Who is she?" "Her name is Gwen." "She's a..." "local girl." "What does she do?" "Well, she sorta works, um... under cover." "Oh, she's a policewoman." "Hooker." "Ma." "Ma, it's..." "Ma, it's not what you think." "Gwen only did it for the money, and now, she doesn't do it for anything." "She promised me." "Danny, you are not in love." "I am." "You are not." "You just got over Polly." "You were very lonely, so you went to a prostitute, and you..." "You know." "Please, do not confuse that with love." "But, Ma, I didn't, you know." "She's not that kinda girl." "You mean, you're in love with a hooker that you haven't even..." "hooked?" "You'll love Gwen." "Everybody does." "That's the problem." "Look, Ma." "I know, sometimes I don't always make the best choices, but I keep tryin', and she makes me happy." "I know." "If you love her, she's probably... very nice." "Thanks, Ma." "Oh!" "There is one small thing I guess I should tell you." "What?" "Well... somebody may be tryin' to kill her." "Ten minutes, tops." "This will all be gone." "But it's okay, Ma." "See, I have her in protective custody." "This poor thing, though." "She's..." "She's really goi" stir-crazy." "She needs to be around other people." "Well, if somebody were trying to kill me," "I'd probably feel the same way." "So it's okay?" "What?" "What's that?" "My beeper." "My beeper's beeping." "I gotta go, Ma." "Bye." "Danny, I..." "We have not finished this conversation." "I gotta go, Ma." "I'm bein' beeped." "I've never been beeped before." "Burt is beeping my beeper." "Burt bought these beepers." "They're the best beepers that bucks can buy." "I mean, when they beep, they beep." "They weren't cheap beepers either." "I believe this must be big or Burt would never have beeped." "I better beat it." "Oh, Ma, thanks." "For what?" "For saying it's okay for Gwen to live with us." "Danny..." "Danny!" "My gay son is in Alaska." "My straight son is in love with a hooker." "My stepson is bowling with a puppet." "Hi!" "Hi, Mary." "Mwah." "Jess... why are you wearing evening gloves?" "To protect my skin." "From what?" "From life." "I read this article, Mary, once that said, if you always keep your skin covered, it'll stay like a baby's tush." "I'm tryin' to invent something now to cover my face without looking like the elephant man." "Here, Mary, have some." "Hm." "What are they?" "Croissants." "These are croissants?" "Yes, I made them myself." "Heh, heh." "Jess, croissants..." "are crescent-shaped." "Mary, please, I was lucky to get them off my gloves." "Now, Mary, we're going to have a little toast." "What's the occasion?" "Well," "I am officially divorced." "Oh, Jess, congratulations!" "That is what one says, isn't it?" "To the lawyers." "They're the ones that cleaned up." "Oh." "Mary, it is unbelievable." "Two men sat down for a few hours, shuffled some papers together and walked away with a fortune." "Chester and I paid for his lawyer's condo in Aspen and my lawyers condo in Maui." "They're very happy." "They're going to trade once a year." "I would love to sue them." "Only it would mean hiring another lawyer." "How does it feel to be divorced?" "Exactly like it feels to be married." "Only you don't have a husband." "Mary, there's something that I just got to talk to you about." "Mary, El won't." "Won't what?" "You know." "He won't?" "Not unless we're married." "When I was 20, that's what I said to Johnny." "What did he do?" "He married me." "Oh." "Well, that seems a little drastic for one night of fun." "One night of fun?" "Please." "Sometimes you're lucky you even know it happens." "I mean, I don't see how that's quite possible, unless, of course, you're awfully caught up in a movie or something, heh." "Once I did actually watch Doctor Zhivago during..." "Oh, I love that film, but every time I watch it," "I keep hoping that it will end better." "I have something to tell you, Jess." "See, I keep hoping that she's going to see him from the streetcar and get to him before he dies." "Danny's in love with a hooker." "But it never happens." "Jess, she's a hooker." "No, Mary, Rod Steiger forced her." "She only loved Zhivago." "No, Jess, not her." "Gwen." "Gwen?" "Who's that Geraldine Chaplin?" "No, Danny's girlfriend." "Danny?" "That's not a Russian name, Danny." "My Danny." "Our Danny." "Your Danny..." "Your Danny." "I..." "I thought..." "Oh, I got confused." "Right, now." "Your Danny is in love with a Russian hooker?" "No, just a hooker." "Mary, I have an idea." "Do you suppose that Danny's hooker might give me some... tips?" "On what?" "Oh, you know, little ways to interest El." "Heh, heh." "What kind of tips?" "Mary, I bet she knows a lot of things." "I'd love to talk to..." "Mary, invite her over." "Go on." "I'll give her some croissants." "She's probably never had them before." "Jess, take my advice." "Don't ask." "Well, I suppose you're right." "I guess it's kind of like the Orange Julius' secret sauce." "They'll never tell you what's in that either." "It's not so bad when you think about it." "Corrine was married to a priest who became a hermit." "Eunice is married to a murderer." "You were married to a murderer." "Now, you're with a dictator in exile." "I am married to a chef who was photographed with six nude women." "Who am I to judge?" "From what I can see, Danny would be marrying up." "Jess, I am not going to enjoy this." "Chester, it does not matter a twit whether or not you enjoy it." "You don't live here anymore." "A party for that madman." "Chester, there is no need for you to be snitty." "Snitty?" "Yes." "El has lost a whole revolution." "So either be cheery or go to the pool house." "Yes, dear." "Hey, Jess, how are you...?" "Hello." "Whoa!" "Security." "Sheriff." "Okay?" "All right." "All right." "Okay." "Hi, Mary, you look beautiful." "Oh, Jess, how adorable." "What a great look for you!" "Yes?" "This is Malaguayan casual." "Of course, Malaguayan eveningwear's the same as Malaguayan casual." "Only at night you have to blacken your face and put a few leaves in your helmet." "Mrs. Tate, may I speak with you a moment?" "Yes, Saunders, is something the matter?" "There is a man in the kitchen picking apart the hors d'oeuvres." "Taking nibbles out of everything." "Saunders, don't be too harsh on him." "You see, that's his job." "He's looking for poison." "You mean, if he finds poison, he'll stop?" "Of course." "Excuse me." "Hey!" "Hey." "Security." "Some people may be trying to kill El Puerco." "Security." "Some people may be tryin' to kill El Girlfriend." "Who was that?" "I have no idea." "Hi!" "Sorry, I'm late." "I...fell in the pool again." "Oh, my baby got all wet." "Stop doing that." "Security." "Uh, she's okay." "'S okay." "All right." "All right." "Thank you." "What are you thanking him for?" "I'm just trying to be polite." "Hi, everybody." "Hey, Mary." "Huh." "Oh!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "Hands off her!" "Dutch, don't you have any regard for security?" "Oh!" "Hey." "Easy, easy, you're..." "You're taking off the finish." "Well, is he here?" "Is the great one here?" "Generalissimo, Billy Tate!" "El Puercito." "It means little pig." "How sweet." "What on earth are you..." "Silencier!" "Uh, silencio, actually." "Are you correcting me?" "Is that it?" "Oh, no, El Puercito, I..." "Silencio." "Huevos rancheros, Madre." "De nada, Billy." "Ah, Tia Maria." "Oh, Tio Burt." "Guadalajara." "Uh..." "I think I'm packing a rod." "Heh, heh." "Whoa." "I think she's had enough." "Hi, everybody." "Jodie, my goodness, we missed you." "Hi, Aunt Jess, this is Maggie Chandler." "She's helpin' me..." "You could at least buy me a drink first." "Maggie, it's security." "You see, we believe someone is trying to kill Carlos." "Also, uh, someone may be trying to kill Gwen, and since Leslie's always tryin' to kill Billy, we figure we'll be throwing three stones at one bird." "See, there's always an explanation." "And who are you?" "Well, I am here for ze party." "I'm going to help serve ze foods, no?" "Are you packing heat?" "Pardon?" "Hey, what's this?" "Hey, you got a lot of stuff under there." "Thank you." "Juan." "Psst." "Hey, imbecile." "The ex-dictator of Malaguay, the leader of the rebellion, which was squashed in horrible defeat by the Communist regime, the exile, beaten and defeated..." "All right, already, huh?" "Carlos Marcello..." "Uh, Carlos Marcello..." "What?" "Davíd." "Carlos Marcello Davíd." "Carlos..." "Davíd." "Carlos Marcello Davíd Escobar Rodriguez "El Puerco" Valdez." "And here he is." "Hurray!" "Hurray!" "Viva, El Puerco." "Oh, hello, little one." "You know, he's very excited to meet you, Señor Valdez." "You are his hero." "Really?" "Gracias, gracias." "Uh, Chuck." "What are they saying?" "I don't know." "I don't speak Spanish." "Nice meeting you." "Nice meeting you." "Ah, Jessica." "Beautiful, beautiful." "El, I want you to meet someone who is very special to me." "This is my sister, Mary." "Your sister...?" "Mary!" "How lovely." "You know, my blessed mother's name was Mary." "You are beautiful, Mary." "Oh, thank you." "Well, your hair is like the shining sun." "Gracias." "Well, I tell you, your mother must have been kissed by the angels to have two such beautiful daughters." "Fabulous." " El?" " Excuse me." "Yes?" "El, Dutch has been practicing this all week." "Go ahead, Dutch." "Ha, ha." "Very good." "Very good!" "I am impressed." "What did he say?" "Uh, I want a seat from which I can see the hands of the pianist." "Dutch, you said the wrong thing." "Excuse me." "Jessica, would you like a glass of punch?" "Oh, yes." "Mary, excuse me." "Excuse us, please." "Juan Dos, check the punch, huh?" "Too much lemon?" "Everybody, may I have your attention please?" "You're all having so much fun." "I have a little announcement to make." "Annie and I would like to announce our engagement." "Ah." "I suppose, as a matter of form," "I should also announce Jessica's and my divorce." "Yeah, and, uh..." "And along those same lines," "Gwen and I have an announcement to make." "E-excuse me." "I haven't finished my announcement." "As fate would have it..." "Whatever that means." "Gwen and I have fallen in love." "That's lovely." "Very sweet." "Thank you." "That was beautiful." "You have no right to make an announcement after I..." "I have an announcement to make." "Oh, well, let's all just make an announcement." "Maggie and I..." "are an item." "Announcement:" "My son is normal." "I knew it." "I know you are, gosh." "I always knew it." "I know." "I know it." "Thank you for whatever you did." "Yeah, and whatever it was you did, keep doin' it." "I have an announcement to make." "Oh, sure!" "Dinner is ready." "Pork." "No big surprise." "I think Juan Two has bought the farm." "'S okay." "Scratch that." "Okay, this is really it." "Hit the dirt!" "This time I'm really gonna do it." "This is the big one." "Uh-uh-uh." "Oh, no." "What is she doing?" "Danny, over there." "Assassin!" "El Puerco, watch out." "Get him!" "Danny." " Oh, my God." " Oh, Danny." "Mary, I'm so..." "Somebody call the ambulance." "Now that Jessica and Chester are divorced and Chester and Annie are engaged, will Eunice give Annie a shower or just push her into the pool?" "Who was the bullet that hit Danny really meant for?" "Is Tibbs trying to kill Danny and Burt?" "Was he trying to kill Gwen?" "Are the Communist forces in Malaguay trying to assassinate El Puerco and his allies?" "And how badly has Danny been wounded?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap."