"Out here in the middle, there's nothing a parent looks forward to like our kids coming home from college for the summer." "Get this crap out of my doorway." "Oh, come on, Mom." "I only have a week till I ship off to Dollywood." "This is my vacation." "Yeah, we just had finals." "We got to recharge." "When am I supposed to recharge?" "I've been empty for years." "You can recharge once we're grown." "For now, would you mind quick grabbing me a pop?" "Wow." "I thought she loved us." "Okay, guys, this is not how it's gonna go." "I am not stepping over Mount Craperest every time I want to get into the house." "I am tired, and I need you to get off your butts and move your stuff now." "God, fine!" "Do you know there's, like, three other ways to get into the house?" "There's the back door, the garage, the chimney." "Hello?" "Did you already forget what I asked you to do?" "Hi, Mrs. Hilsabeck." "Graduation's coming up, and I just want to get some parameters on my valedictorian speech." "Don't worry." "I'm gonna steer clear of any political issues." "Eh, except maybe library hours." "I'm not ready to give up that fight." "Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, Brick, but I don't know that you're a shoo-in for valedictorian." "Last I heard, it was still between you and another student." "So who is it?" "It's against school policy to give out that kind of information." "Of course." "And I would never ask you to do anything against such policy." "So I'm just gonna leave this dollar bill here on the counter, and if it finds its way into your coin purse and the information mysteriously ends up in my locker so be it." "Oh, my God." "What is with Mom?" "Like our stuff is so offensive to her all of a sudden." "That woman runs on anger." "It's her fuel." "Mm-hmm." "Oh!" "He-hey!" "Awesome." "There's a house party at Mando's tonight." "Mm." "Thinking I might head over around 10:00." "Okay, Axl, I know I'm staying in your room, but I don't need to know your whole schedule." "And FYI, you don't need to announce your farts, either." "I'm being polite." "Anyways, I was seeing if you wanted to come, a decision I'm already starting to regret." "You're inviting me to a party?" "!" "Wait." "What's your game?" "I just took a wild guess and assumed you weren't up to anything tonight." "Thought you might want to come with." " But if you're gonna be all Sue about it..." " No." "No, no, no, no." "I'll come." "I'll totally come." "I'm cool." "I'm down." "I'm dope." "I won't talk like that at the party, I promise." "Brick may have gotten all A's, but he definitely flunked bribing." "So he had to find out for himself who his competition was." "Hey, Sang-woo, I was just wondering, how'd you do on that potato clock we had to make for science last week?" "I got a "B."" "I haven't told my mom yet." "Ooh, tough break." "I'm sorry." "Are those tears of happiness or sadness?" "I only got an A-minus!" "Excuse me." "Irwin, how'd you do on that history test?" "Oh, my God." "That party was amazing." "Definitely one of the top 10 Orson parties I've ever been to." "And not just only 'cause I've been to four." "Oh, and that diner!" "Oh, my God." "I have never had pancakes at 2:00 in the morning." "Was it breakfast?" "Was it dinner?" "I don't know!" "Oh!" "Geez!" "Can somebody tell me why I'm paying for cellphones every month when nobody's gonna use them?" "What?" "What are you talking about?" "Do you guys ever look at your phones?" "I've been trying to get ahold of you since midnight." "Oh, that's a lot of texts." "My thumbs are tired from the amount of times" "I've tried to get ahold of you two." "Why?" "Is everything okay?" "No, everything is not okay." "Where the hell have you been?" "At a party." "You knew that." "And then we went to get pancakes." "What's going on?" "Why is that one yelling about pancakes?" "It's 2:00 in the morning and your kids just got home." "You're just getting home now?" "They didn't call." "They didn't text." "Oh, my God." "You're acting like I have a curfew!" "I'm over 21!" "I'm old enough to die for our country!" "Don't worry." "I'll save you the trip." "Did it even cross your mind that your mom and I might be worried about you?" "You weren't even up!" "Your hair's all funny." "You were obviously sleeping." "What, are you a lawyer now?" "Hey, don't try to deflect the attention away from what you did." "You were out all night, we didn't know where you were..." "So?" "At school we stay out all night." "You don't know where we are." "I hate to break it to you, Mom, but sometimes I stay out really late, and sometimes I don't come home at all." "Audible gasp!" "Yeah." "I've been out late at school, too, and not all of them were fire drills." "Look, you may do whatever you want when you're up at school and we can't see you, but as long as you're staying under our roof, you're gonna follow our rules." "You are really pulling out the classics now, Dad." "Why don't you, uh, shake your first and throw out a, uh, "Because I said so"?" "It's common courtesy." "Do you think your dad and I would stay out all night without letting each other know where we're going?" "You guys don't go anywhere!" "Because you've sucked the life out of us!" "What are you so worried about?" "Do you think I'm gonna, like, end up in a ditch somewhere?" "I make good choices." "Tonight the waitress asked if I wanted another chocolate milk, and I said no!" "You'll get it when you have kids of your own someday." "Yes, I know." "Classics are classics for a reason." "And here's another one..." "Your new curfew is 10:00." "Pbht!" "Whatever." "At least take something from the pi..." "Whatever." "I can't believe this." "I've gone to all the top valedictorian contenders, and I can't figure out who it is." "I've checked with the nerds, the orchestra, robotics, mathletes, the students who organized the no-name-calling week." " I'm ahead of everybody." " Yeah." "I'm just kind of here until Mrs. Hilsabeck gets back." "They gave her the wrong sandwich at Panera." "Oh, we glorify how many basketball reboundings the jocks get in a game, but..." "Wait." "You're alone here?" "You can look up who my nemesis is." "If you need convincing, I've got a dollar here that..." "No, I'll do it." "Oh." "It's me." "What's the matter, Brick?" "Have you ever just wanted something so bad and you didn't get it?" "Uh, yeah." "I hate to brag, but I'm kind of an expert." "Well, Cindy and I are tied for valedictorian, and it's all gonna come down to who does better on our geometry final." "I mean, I've dreamed of being valedictorian since I was a kid." "You know, finally being cool." "But now I guess I'm gonna have to give it up for my girlfriend." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Are you saying you have to let Cindy win because she's a girl?" "Is it harder for women?" "Sure." "But we can succeed on our own merits, thank you very much." "And we will never earn true equality if men keep propagating this "chauvinism in the guise of chivalry" way of thinking." "Do you want me to get my Gloria Steinem book?" "It's just right over there in the pile." "No, no." "You've convinced me." "I get what you're saying." "I just need to man up and kick butt on this test." "No, no, no, no, no." "You are going to woman up, because I am going to help you." "Flash cards, quizzes, whatever it takes." "I am not going to leave your side for the next two days." " Hm!" " Hey, Sue!" "There's another party tonight." "I would stay, but Axl is being so nice to me right now," "I feel like I've got to go." "We sold almost 3,000 grilled-cheese sandwiches." "Axl!" "Axl, it's almost 10:00." "We got to go." "Remember that time my car broke down and I missed curfew?" "I ended up getting hives." "Oh, my God." "Chill." "That 10:00 curfew thing was not real." "That was just Dad trying to scare us." "I don't know." "He sounded pretty serious." "We won that argument." "Dad said, "10:00," then I said, "Whatever."" "There's no coming back from "whatever."" "When you say "whatever," you've won." " Who won?" " I did." "You fell asleep, and I switched over to "Cake Boss."" "What time is it?" "Uh... 12:00." "Are the kids home?" "Nope, they're still out." "What?" "I said be home by 10:00." "Oh, come on." "Nobody thought that was real." "We never really resolved it." "I mean, Axl did say, "Whatever."" "Right." "You only say "whatever" when you don't have a comeback." "When you say "whatever," you've lost." "Wait." "You were serious?" " Oh, I thought you were all like, "Rrrrrgh!" "00!" "No big drinks at the movies!"" "Why are you so calm about this?" "You were the one that was all worked up before, and all of a sudden you're fine with it?" "'Cause I know they left the party an hour ago, went to Tally's Diner, and now they're on their way home." "Oh." "They texted you?" " No." " Call?" "Huh-unh." "I'm gonna tell you something, but you got to be cool about it." "I'm tracking them." " What?" " Yeah." "I found an app where you can track someone through their phone if they have the same friends-and-family plan." "So now I know their whereabouts at all times." "You're spying on the kids?" "Well, you call it spying, I call it peace of mind." "Now I don't have to worry 'cause I can see where they are." "It's just..." "There's no arguing." "It's a lot easier." "It's kind of like when I used to sneak into Axl's room and cut his hair a little each night." "That did save a lot of screaming." "Yeah, see?" "I just follow each of their dots on the map." " That's them right there?" " Mm-hmm." "Yeah, they should be pulling into the driveway just about... now." "Hey." "I wanted to come home right away, but Axl made me stop for biscuits and gravy." "That's fine." "I'm cool." "Yep, I was cool, but Mike... not so much." "Hey, Axl, I need you to pick me up a taco from the taco place." "What do you mean you're not anywhere near there?" "Are you sure?" "You sure you're not .2 miles from there?" "No?" "All right." "Look at this." "He is right next to Taco Jason's, but he can't get the old man a taco?" "I drove up to his school last week to bring him a chair, but he can't pick me up a damn taco?" "Not cool." "He's gonna be hearing about this." "No, he's not going to be hearing anything, because you don't know about the dot, remember?" "Now, I've got a bean-and-cheese burrito in the freezer" "I've been hiding under the bag of peas." "It's yours if you don't blow this." "Hey, Cindy." "I know we're in an awkward situation." "I-I think the only right thing to do is for both of us to just give it our all." "Thank you, Brick." "That means a lot to me." "I just want you to know... and I've never said this before I love you." "Hey, could you grab me a pop?" "Oh, sorry." "Can't." "I'm not anywhere near the pop." "She loves me!" "Can you believe it, Axl?" "She finally said it." "It was like listening to Shakespeare read from his greatest works, but, you know, hotter." "Oh, Brick." "Sweet, dear, innocent Brick." "Have a seat." "Now, uh... don't you find Cindy's timing a little... curious?" "What do you mean?" "Well, what are you thinking about right now?" "How much she loves me." "What are you not thinking about?" "Death, the futility of the universe... that's always simmering at a low boil." "No." "What you're not thinking about is your test." "Hmm?" "That little minx..." "Oh-ho." "She is good." "Maybe she should be valedictorian." "She got in your head, Brick." "She's building a condo in there." "She's hanging pictures of her as valedictorian." "My brother, she played you." "I can't believe I didn't see it." "Feel like such a fool." "Don't worry." "I am here to help." "Now, I myself have never been valedictorian, but I did do something much harder." "I dated them." "Yeah." "They may be smart, but they're still girls." "So if Cindy's gonna play a game with you, you play one right back." " When's the test?" " Tomorrow." "Before the test, you're gonna walk up to her and speak the four words that strike fear into the heart of every woman... we need to talk." " What do we need to talk about?" " Who cares?" "That's what she's gonna be worrying about." "Meanwhile, you're in her head, building your own condo with a big, geeky library in it." "Oh." "I like this plan." "Yeah, she'll be so worried, thinking about what you want to talk to her about, she won't be able to focus, she'll do bad on the test, and... boom... you're valedictorian." "King of the nerds." "Or, uh, president of the nerds." "Or... nerd overlord?" "Anyway, you're that guy." "Want a refill?" "Nah, I'm good." "All right." "Good luck, Brick." "Good luck to you." "Oh, and, Cindy, we need to talk." "Why?" "Okay." "And begin." "Look at this." "Axl's gonna be late for work at Little Betty." "I told him when he was leaving he was gonna be late, and now he's stopping at Cinnabon." "He's coming in late, he's eating at the competition..." "What's with this kid?" "Okay, you're getting a little crazy with this tracking app." "I mean, the whole week you've been glued to your phone." "You're like a giant 12-year-old girl." "Just be cool." "Loosen the reins a bit." "Eh." "Hey." "I'm home." "Hey." "How was the movie?" "How'd you know I went to a movie?" "I don't know." "You must've told me." "No." "Brad and I went to lunch, and then we decided to see a movie last-minute." "Well, y-you're at Sbarro's." "The theater's right by there." "How did you know I was at Sbarro?" "You said you were at the theater." "I figured you'd obviously go to Sbarro's." "It's the only good Italian in town." "It only makes sense." "You know what?" "We're glad you had a good time." " J..." " Bye." "Okay, that's it." "You're off the project." "You're a security risk." "I'm not gonna let you jeopardize this whole operation with your loose lips." "Okay, you know what?" "Fine." "I'm out." "I knew this was wrong in the first place." "Dads aren't supposed to know what's going on." "We like being in the dark." "Let me know when the kids are getting married." "Hit me." " Tough day?" " The worst." "I did terrible on my geometry test." "Cindy completely distracted me by showing some skin." "What'd she do?" "Show some leg?" "Nope." "Ears." "They're beautiful." "Those things have never seen the sun." "I couldn't think of congruent triangles... only those damn porcelain ears." "You're an ear man." "That's, uh... really weird." "But, hey, it's not like you're the first guy to be brought down by a woman." "That goes all the way back to Greek mythology." "There's, uh..." "Janet of Troy, um, Achilles' heel... that has something to do with a woman." "And I think we have winter 'cause of a woman." "Hey, the school posted the scores." "I got a 99%." "Wait." "What if Cindy got 100%?" "I got to know." "Who else?" "There's, um, the Beatles." "And the Flintstones." "Wilma messed Fred up pretty good." "She got a 98%!" "I'm the valedictorian!" "All hail the nerdiest in the land!" "This one is on the house." "Ha-ha!" "I'll tell ya, with Mike off the case, things were running a lot smoother." "The kids were at a party 7.6 miles away, and everything was fine." "Have you been watching the dots?" "Sue's in a ditch." "What are you talking about?" "The app... it's saying Sue is in a ditch." "You said you had this." "What if I hadn't checked?" "All right, calm down a second." "Are you sure?" "Look at the dots." "It says Axl's in some house and Sue's over there by the side of the road." "Okay, that's a ditch... next to a dump." "Oh, my God." "Did you call the kids?" "Yeah, neither one's picking up." "Where you going?" "I'm going to the ditch." "All right, I'm coming, too." "Just give me a minute to put on a bra." "There's no time for that." "Fine." "Then we'll take my car." "I have a bra in it." "Oh, my God." "Three amazing Orson parties in one week." "This is what Oscar season must feel like for Jennifer Lawrence." "That's weird." "Why are all the lights on?" "Mom?" "Dad?" "Pbht!" "Well, they couldn't have gone anywhere." "Mom's purse is here." "They're not in their bedroom, and Mom's car is gone, but the doughnut place closes at midnight, so where would she be?" "Where could they have gone?" "God, Mom and Dad are always on our case about letting someone know if you're gonna be out late, and..." "Oh-ho-ho-ho..." "All right." "I see what they're doing." "A little dose of our own medicine." "Okay." "You can come out now." "This is getting freaky." "I'm gonna call." "Where did they go?" "I'll tell you where they are." "What are you doing?" "I got an app so I can track them." "Oh, my God." "You do worry about Mom and Dad." "Eugh." "Barf." "I just use it so I know when it's safe to come home and throw a party in the house or soak in their tube or steal some deli meats." "She's not picking up." "That's weird." "It says they're in a ditch." "What?" "!" "Oh, no." "I saw this story online about bored people who kidnap and murder random victims just for kicks." "They're horrible." "They kill for thrills." "They're thrill killers!" "No way." "No one would ever want Mom and Dad." "That is not true." "Mom is really cute." "Someone would totally want to kill her!" " Okay, let's go." " Okay." "Axl?" "Sue?" "!" "I don't like this." "Should we call 911?" "Found them!" "Mom!" "Oh, Mom!" "Oh, my God." "You're okay." "Oh." "What the hell?" "Why don't you answer your damn phone?" "Why don't you answer your phone?" "We were worried sick about you." "What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?" "Looking for you." "Why weren't you in the ditch?" "The dot says you're in the ditch." " What?" " Oh, my God." "Are you tracking us?" "This is such an invasion of privacy." "This is America." "I could sue you." "How did you know where we were?" "Axl's been tracking you on his phone for years." "He's also the reason the lunch meat goes down so fast." "Okay, yes, but as the oldest child, it is my responsibility to keep tabs on you guys." "As people get older, they wander off." "The real lesson here is you still don't trust us." "I thought we settled this." "I said, "Whatever."" "We thought Sue was in a ditch, and we came to the rescue." "I'm not going to apologize for that." "Well, maybe your phone is wrong, or maybe you're misreading it." "No offense, but your typeface is already set as big as it can go." "Well, this wouldn't be the first time you weren't where you said you were gonna be." "That's right." "Dad has been tracking you all week." "Dad?" "Hey, the tracking was your mom's idea." "You want to talk about saying you're in one place when you're really in another," "Miss I'm at Curves when I'm really at Cracker Barrel." "Yeah, well, I know that sometimes you sit in your car at the end of the street for half an hour before you come home at night." "Yeah, I understood it when the kids were little, but now it's becoming a little personal." "Seems like neither of you are capable of trusting anyone." "Well, if you two would give us a reason to trust you, we wouldn't have to run around in the middle of the night, looking for you in a ditch." "We were never in a ditch!" "Your app sucks." "You phone froze..." " I just want to know where everyone is." " Well, it worked when you were at Cinnabon." "Everyone should have more than one gigabyte of data." "When does it end?" "!" "It ends now." "These things are ruining us." "They don't make people worry less." "They make you worry more." "Used to be you didn't worry the whole time somebody was out at night." "You just said a prayer, went to bed, and that was it." "If they weren't there in the morning, then you would worry." "We're done with the tracking." "I'm gonna get these apps off all of these phones." "Axl, get these apps off all of our phones." "It doesn't matter how many apps they come up with." "They're never gonna come up with one that makes you stop worrying, because that's the price you pay for loving people." "At least with Brick making valedictorian, we didn't have to worry about him." "Cindy, can I just say..." "Huh." "I got 101%." "Wait." "Wait." "You told me you got a 98%." "I did." "I guess I got the extra credit." "What extra credit?" "There's no extra credit." "Yeah, on the back." ""Write three sentences about any book you've ever read."" "Seriously?" "!" "Poor Brick." "I can't believe he didn't get valedictorian." "Think he's still at school?" "Shouldn't he be home by now?" "I hope he's okay." "Maybe we should check." "Just one more time." "Oh, no." "He's at Mayfield Park." "That's where he goes when he's feeling down about stuff." "Aw." "Congratulations." "If it couldn't be me, then I'm glad it's you." "For what?" "Never mind." "Cindy, you know that thing you said before the test?" "Did you mean it, or was it just a tactic?" "Oh, I meant it." "I'm incapable of saying something I don't mean." "Look on page seven of my IEP... incapable of irony, overly literal... right below flat of affect." "And I have trouble focusing on non-preferred activities." "Wow." "I can't believe we found each other." "I love you, Brick." "I love you, Cindy." "So, is that an official diagnosis?" "Yes." "It's a 9B37." "Ah." "I'm a 5A62, but very borderline." "I'm also a bit of a 6J48 but not enough to be official." "Really?" "I'm a little 6J48, too." "No way!" "You know, I thought I sensed that, but I didn't want to be presumptuous."