"Do I have an original thought in my head?" "My bald head?" "Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn't fall out." "Life is short" "I need to make the most of lt." "Today is the first day of the rest of my life." "I'm a walking cliché." "Need to have the doctor check my leg." "There's a bump." "I'm overdue at the dentist's." "If I didn't put things off, I'd be happier." "I just sit on my fat ass." "If my ass wasn't fat, I'd be happier." "I wouldn't have to wear shirts with the tails out." "Like that fools anyone." "Fat-ass!" "I should start jogging again 5 miles a day." "Really do It this time." "Maybe rock climbing" "I need to turn my life around." "What do I need to do?" "I need to fall in love." "Have a girlfriend." "I need to read more, improve myself." "What if I learned Russian?" "Ortook up an instrument?" "I could speak Chinese." "I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays oboe." "That'd be cool." "I should cut my hair short." "Stop acting like I have a full head of hair." "How pathetic is that?" "Just be real." "Confident." "That's what attracts women." "Men don't have to be attractive." "But that's not true these days." "Almost as much pressure on men as women." "Why should I feel I have to apologize for my existence?" "Maybe It's my brain chemistry." "That's what's wrong bad chemistry." "All my problems and anxiety are from  a chemical imbalance or misfiring synapses." "I need help forthat." "I'll still be ugly, though." "Nothing's going to change that." "On the set of "Being John Malkovich"" "Summer 1998" "Let's really try today to solve our camera problems." "Keep between-take time to a minimum." "These masks are really hot." "I want to be very well heard on that." "Don't futz unless it's absolutely important to the shot." "That's not for me." "It's forthe people sitting here in 400 pounds of rubber." "I like my dress." "Okay?" "Folks, you better heed that advice." "Thomas Smith 1st Assistant Director" "Stand by for picture." "Rotate around the table a bit more." "Lance Acord, Cinematographer" "Charlie Kaufman Screenwriter" "You're in the eyeline." "Can you get off the stage?" "What am I doing here?" "Why did I bother coming?" "Nobody seems to know my name." "I've been on this planet 40 years and I'm no closer to understanding anything." "Why am I here?" "How did I get here?" "Four Billion and Forty Years Earlier" "My leg hurts." "I wonder if It's cancer." "There's a bump." "I'm starting to sweat." "Stop sweating." "Can she see It dripping?" "She looked at my hairline." "She thinks I'm bald." "We think you're great." "Wow." "Thanks." "That's nice to hear." "We all loved the "Malkovich" script." "Such a unique voice." "I'd love to find a portal into your brain." "Trust me, it's no fun." "So, tell me yourthoughts about this project of ours." "It's a great book." "The Orchid Thief" " Laroche is a fun character." " Absolutely." "And Orlean makes orchids so fascinating." "Plus, her musings on Florida, orchid poaching lndians, it's great sprawling New Yorker stuff..." "I'd want to remain true to that." "I'd want to let the movie exist, ratherthan be artificially plot driven." "Great." "I'm not sure what that means." "I'm not sure I know what that means, either." "I won't ruin it by making it a Hollywood thing." "Like an orchid heist movie, you know, or changing the orchids to poppies and making it a movie about drug running." "Why can't it simply be a movie about flowers?" "I guess we thought maybe Susan Orlean and Laroche could fall in love." "Okay, but I'm saying I don't want to cram in sex or guns or car chases." "You know, or characters learning profound life lessons, or... to succeed in the end." "The book isn't like that and life isn't like that." "It just isn't." "I feel very strongly about this." "New Yorker Magazine, 3 Years Earlier" "John Laroche is a tall guy, skinny as a stick  pale-eyed, slouch-shouldered  handsome, despite the fact he's missing his front teeth." "I went to Florida 2 years ago to write a piece  after reading about a white man  and 3 Seminole men arrested with rare orchids they'd stolen  from the Fakahatchee Strand State Preserve." "State Road 29, Florida, 2 Years Earlier" "As natural selection works solely by and forthe good  of each being, all endowments will tend to progress towards perfection." "Polyrrhiza lindenii." "A ghost." "Cut her down, Russell." "Morning." "May I ask what you men have in those pillowcases?" "Yes, sir, you absolutely may." "Okay, then, I'm asking." "Okay, then." "Let's see." "We got five kinds of bromeliad one peperomia, nine orchid varieties." "About 130 plants, all told removed by my colleagues from the swamp." "It's illegal to remove plants or animals from state-owned land." "Yes, and don't forget these plants are all endangered..." "every one of them." "Exactly." "That's the issue." "This is a state preserve." "Yes, sir." "It is." "My colleagues are Seminole Indians." "Did I mention that?" "I'm sure you're familiar with Florida vs. James E. Billie." "Even though Seminole Chief Billie killed a Florida panther one of, what, forty in the entire world..." "Fourteen." "...the state couldn't prosecute him 'cause he's an Indian and it's his right as repugnant as you and I white conservationists may find his actions." "Not to mention the failed attempts to prosecute Seminoles for poaching palm fronds which they use to thatch the roofs of their chickee huts." "The chickee huts, right?" "That's what we use them for... chickee huts." "Yeah, but I don't..." "I can't let you fellas leave yet." "Just hold on there a minute." "Charles, is that you?" "Did you eat lunch?" "I had that shrimp cocktail in the fridge." "Was it yours?" "I hope not." "I couldn't remember, so I ate it." "Maybe we should write our names on our food items." " What's with you?" " My back." "Charles you'll be glad," "I have a plan to get me out of your house pronto." "Is your plan a job?" "Drumroll, please." "I'm going to be a screenwriter!" "Like you!" "You think this is one of my get-rich-quick schemes, but I'm doing it right." "I'm taking a 3 day seminar." "And it's only 500 bucks." "Screenwriting seminars are bullshit." "In theory I agree." "But this one's different." "It's highly regarded in the industry." "Don't say "industry"." "Sorry." "I forgot." "Charles, this guy knows screenwriting." "People come from all overto study with him." "Let me explain something." "Anybody who says he has "the answer"" "attracts desperate people." "I just need to lie down while you explain." "Sorry." "I apologize." "Okay, go ahead." "Sorry." "Okay." "Go." "There are no rules." "Anyone who says there are is..." "Wait, wait." "Not rules." "Principles." "McKee writes that a rule says you must do it this way." "A principle says this works and has through all remembered time." "The script I'm starting is about flowers." "Nobody's ever done a movie about flowers, so there are no guidelines." "What about "Flowers for Algernon"?" "That's not about flowers and it's not a movie." "Sorry." "I never saw it." "Okay, keep going." "My point is, those teachers are dangerous if your goal is to do something new." "A writer should always have that goal." "Writing is a journey into the unknown, not building a model airplane." "McKee is a former Fulbright scholar." "Are you a former Fulbright scholar?" "Say something." "I dragged her here and I'm not talking." "Make her laugh." "I hate parties." "Why did we come?" "We're hip trendsetters on the make." "Aren't we?" "More like old losers sitting on the floor." "Jesus, Charlie." "Speak for yourself." "Charlie, we're going to fix you up." "We're going to solve the whole Charlie Kaufman mess." "Let me see." "What do you need?" "What, what, what?" "I'm glad you took the orchid script." "It'll be good for you to get out of your head." "It'll ground you to think about nature and stuff." "I can't believe they gave me that job." "I mean, at that lunch," "I was sweating insanely." "I was ranting." "I was a mess!" "You were nervous because she was pretty." "How do you know that?" "After 8 months knowing you, I get what makes you sweat." "Well, moving on what next?" "You need a new getup." "This whole flannel shirt thing is not doing anything for you anymore." "Thanks for coming with me tonight, Amelia." "To begin." "To begin." "How to start." "I'm hungry." "I should get coffee." "Coffee would help me think." "I should write something, then reward myself with coffee." "Coffee and a muffin." "Okay." "I need to establish the themes." "Maybe banana nut." "That's a good muffin." "Orchid hunting is a mortal job." "Orinoco River, Venezuela 100 Years Earlier" "Victorian orchid hunter William Arnold drowned on a collecting expedition." "Osmers vanished without a trace in Asia." "Augustus Margary survived toothache  rheumatism, pleurisy and dysentery  only to be murdered when he completed his mission and traveled beyond Bhamo." "Laroche loved orchids, but  I came to believe he loved the difficulty and  fatallty of getting them as much as the orchids themselves." "I've been a horticulturist for 12 years." "Miami, Florida, 6 Months Later" "I owned a nursery, which was destroyed by the hurricane." "I'm a professional plant lecturer." "I've given over 60 lectures on plants." "I'm a published author in both magazine and book form." "And I have extensive experience with orchids and the asexual micropropagation of orchids under aseptic cultures." "It's lab work." "It's not at all like your nursery work." "I'm probably the smartest person I know." " Thank you." " You're very welcome." "Mr. Laroche?" "I'm Susan Orlean." "I write for The New Yorker." "It's a magazine..." "I'm familiar with The New Yorker." "The New Yorker, yes, The New Yorker." "Right?" "Yes, that's right." "I'm interested in doing a piece on your situation." "Oh, yeah?" "You want to put this in?" "I don't care what goes on here." "I'm right and I'll take it to the Supreme Court." "That judge can screw herself." "That would go in?" "Absolutely." "We open on State Road 29." "A battered van speeds along, making a sharp right into the  Fakahatchee Strand State Preserve." "The driver is a skinny man with no front teeth." "This is John Laroche." "I need a break." "I loved the Sibelius violin concerto." "Me, too." "It was great." "The end was weird." "Oh, no." "It was passionate, exultant." "The soloist was amazing." "Such beautiful tones." "So precise." "It blows my mind." " I wish I could play like that." " You do!" "Charlie." "I don't." "I'm mediocre at best." "Well, I love hearing you play." "Thanks, Charlie." "Well, here we are." "So..." "what are you up to now?" "I should probably get to bed." "I have a lot of work to do tomorrow." "Well, good night, then." "I would stay out." "It's just that I'm struggling with the script." "I've been thinking too small." "Just writing about Laroche." "That's not enough." "I wanted to write about flowers." "I can't figure it out and I haven't been sleeping very well so I thought I'd try to get a good night's sleep." "Start fresh in the morning." "Otherwise, I'd stay out." "I understand." "I hope you figure it out, Charlie." "Thanks." "Thanks for coming out with me." "Sure." "It was fun." "So, I have to go to Santa Barbara next weekend for an orchid show." "Maybe you could come." "No..." "I don't think I can make it." "Next weekend I cant." "I don't think I can." "I've got something." "Sorry." "Well, okay." "Good night, then." "Good night, Charlie." "Why didn't I go in?" "I'm such a chicken, such an idiot." "I should have kissed her." "I blew lt." "I should go knock on her door right now and kiss her." "It would be romantic." "Something to someday tell our kids." "I'm going to do It right now." "Florida, Three Years Earlier" " Thanks for picking me up." " This van's a piece of shit." "Once I'm rich, I'll buy an awesome car." "What do you drive?" "It's a rental." "A Lumina." "Awesome." "I think I'll get one of those, too." "Here we go." "Where do these people learn to drive?" "The world's insane." "I was impressed at how accomplished you are in the world of horticulture." "The thing you got to know is my whole life is looking for a profitable plant." "That's the ghost." "Why?" "Piles of crap funny smell in van." "The sucker's rare." "I'm the only one anywhere who knows how to cultivate it." "The idea was the Indians would pull it from the swamp." "I researched it." "If I don't touch the plant," "Florida can't touch us." "I stop future poaching by making the flowers available in stores." "I'm a hero, the flowers are saved." "Laroche and nature win!" "Delusions of grandeur." "You get that?" "Yeah, I sure did." "Orchids are the sexiest flowers on Earth." "The name "orchid"derives from the Latin orchis, which means testicle." "Hey, Charles." "I pitched my screenplay to Mom." "Don't say "pitch"." "Sorry." "She said it was "Silence of the Lambs" meets "Psycho"." "You should collaborate." "Mom's really good with structure." "How come Amelia doesn't come around anymore?" "You put the moves on her?" "I'm looking forJohn Laroche." "Hi." "I'm writing an article on John and stopped by." "John's not here today." "You were at the swamp with him, weren't you?" "I saw you at the courthouse." "I'm Matthew Osceola." "Susan Orlean." "Could I talk to you for a second?" "I'm just trying to get a feel for..." "You have beautiful hair." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "I just, um, washed it this morning." "I used a new conditioner." "I can see your sadness." "It's lovely." "I'm just tired, that's all." "That's my problem." "So maybe we could chat a little." "I could get background..." "I'm not going to talk to you much." "It's not personal." "It's the Indian way." "Angraecum sesquipedale." "Beauty!" "God!" "Darwin wrote about this one." "Charles Darwin?" "Evolution guy?" "Hello?" "See that nectary all the way down there?" "Darwin hypothesized a moth with a nose twelve inches long to pollinate it." "Everyone thought he was a loon." "Then, sure enough, they found this moth with a 12-inch proboscis." "Proboscis means nose." "I know what proboscis means." "Don't get off the subject." "This isn't a pissing contest." "The point is, what's so wonderful is each of these flowers has a special relationship with the insect that pollinates it." "Each orchid looks like a certain insect, so the insect is drawn to lt." "Its double." "Its soul mate." "It wants nothing more than to make love to lt." "Afterthe insect flies off  lt spots another soul mate flower and makes love to lt, pollinating lt." "Neltherthe flower nor insect ever understands the significance of their lovemaking." "How could they know because of their little dance the world lives?" "But It does." "By doing what they're designed to do something large and magnificent happens." "They show us how to live." "That the only barometer you have is your heart." "When you spot your flower  you can't let anything get in your way." "He's quite a character." "No front teeth." "Doesn't bother him at all." "Why doesn't he get them fixed?" "It seems sociopathic to make people look at that." "But he gives a great blow job." "He is a fascinating character, though." "Sounds like a gold mine." "It could be." "I don't know." "He lives with his dad, he's obsessed with his dead mother he wears his sunglasses on a dangle around his neck." "I'm loving it!" "Talk about the van." "The van." "I can't tell about the van." "I have to pee." "No, tell us about the van." "It's amazing!" "It's..." "You did it in the van." "Shut up!" "David, you tell..." "Don't tell them." "Okay, the van." "David!" "His van was filled with junk." "Shut up!" "Potting soil, shovels, food wrappers, fertilizer." "Susie said she hoped it was fertilizer, anyway." "She said she couldn't be sure." "Laroche had a certain aromatic look." "She said perhaps his obsessiveness didn't leave time for personal hygiene." "Maybe the orchids got all the available water." "I wanted to want something as much as people wanted these plants." "But  lt isn't part of my constitution." "I suppose I have one unembarrassed passion." "I want to know what It feels like to care about something passionately." ""Should one be lucky enough to see a ghost orchid..." ""...all else will seem eclipsed."" "If the ghost orchid was really a phantom  lt was still such a bewitching one It could seduce people  to pursue It year after year, mile after miserable mile." "If It was a real flower, I wanted to see one." "Not that I love orchids." "I don't even especially like them." "What I wanted to see was this thing  that people were drawn to  in such a singular and powerful way." "So, how many turtles did you end up collecting?" "I lost interest right afterthat." "I dropped turtles and fell in love with Ice Age fossils." "Fossils were all that made sense in this fucked-up world." "I ditched fossils for resilvering old mirrors." "My mom and I had the largest collection of 19th century Dutch mirrors on Earth." "Did you read about us?" "Mirror World, October '88?" "I got a copy here somewhere." "I'd like to know how you can detach from something you've invested your soul in." "I mean, didn't you ever miss turtles?" "The only thing that made your 10 year old life worth living?" "I'll tell you a story." "All right?" "I once fell deeply, profoundly in love with tropical fish." "I had 60 damn fish tanks in my house." "I'd skin dive just to find the right ones." "Anisotremus virginicus, Holacanthus ciliaris Chaetodon capistratus." "You name it." "Then one day I say, fuck fish." "I renounce fish." "I vow neverto set foot in the ocean again." "That's how much "fuck fish"." "That was 17 years ago." "I have never since stuck even a toe in the ocean." "And I love the ocean!" "But why?" "Done with fish." "If you really loved something wouldn't a bit of It linger?" "Evidently Laroche's finishes were absolute." "He just moved on." "Sometimes wished I could do the same." "Good afternoon." "What looks good today?" "The key lime pie, please." "A small slice." "And a coffee, please." "Skim milk, please." "Orchids!" "I love orchids." "Cool." "That's..." "I'll be right back with your pie." "I'm so excited." "I always wanted to come to an orchid show." "I think these flowers are so sexy." "Let's see what's around back." "Want to hear my pitch?" "Go away!" "I'm just trying to do something." "Thanks a lot, buddy." "Okay, there's a serial killer." "No, wait." "He's being hunted by a cop." "And he taunts the cop." "Sends clues about his next victim, who he's holding hostage in his creepy basement." "The cop, obsessed with learning her identity, ends up falling in love with her, even though he's never met her." "She's like the unattainable." "Like the Holy Grail." "It's a little obvious." "But here's the twist." "We find out the killer suffers from multiple personality disorder." "He's really the cop and the girl." "All of them are him!" "Isn't that fuckedup?" "The only idea more overused than serial killers is multiple personality." "Then you explore the notion that cop and criminal are two aspects of the same person." "See every cop movie ever made for more examples." "Mom called it psychologically taut." "Plus, there's no way to write this." "Did you considerthat?" "How can you have somebody held prisoner in a basement and working in a police station at the same time?" "Trick photography." "That's not what I'm asking." "Listen closely." "What I'm asking is, in the reality of the movie where there's only one character okay?" "How could you..." "What exactly would..." "I agree with Mom." "Very taut." ""Sybil" meets "Dressed To Kill"." "Cool." "I liked "Dressed To Kill" until the 3rd act denooement." "That's not how it's pronounced." "Sorry." "Okay, sorry." "Hi." "Hi!" "Key lime pie for you today?" "That sounds great." "I'll cut you a large slice preferred customer." "That's very sweet of you." "I'm just a sweetie." "Still reading about orchids?" "Yes, I am." "A friend of mine has a tiny pink one that grows on a tree branch." "I can't remember what..." "That's an epiphyte." "Right!" "Right!" "You really know your stuff." "Not really." "I'm just learning." "Epiphytes grow on trees, but aren't parasites." "They get nourishment from the air and rain." "Well, I'm impressed." "That's great." "There are more than 30,000 kinds of orchids." "Wow." "That's a lot." "So I'll be back with a large slice of key lime pie for my orchid expert." "I was also wondering..." "I'm going to Santa Barbara this Saturday for an orchid show and I, I..." "I'm sorry." " I apologize." " I'll be back with your pie." "There are more than 30,000 known orchid species." "One looks like a turtle." "One looks like a monkey." "One looks like an onion." "One looks like a schoolteacher." "One looks like a gymnast." "One's like that girl in high school with creamy skin." "A New York intellectual with whom you do the Sunday Times crossword puzzle in bed." "One looks like a Midwestern beauty queen." "One looks like Amelia." "One has eyes that dance." "One has eyes that contain the sadness of the world." "So I got married, and me and my beautiful new wife, now exwife, the bitch opened a nursery." "People came out of the woodwork to ask me stuff admire my plants and admire me." "I think some spent time with me because they were lonely." "You know why I like plants?" "'Cause they're so mutable." "Adaptation is a profound process." "It means you figure out how to thrive in the world." "But it's easier for plants." "They have no memory." "They just move on to whatever's next." "But a person adapting's almost shameful." "It's like running away." "Hey, man." "Don't hit on crew members." "What?" "The makeup girl?" "She was hitting on me, bro." "Just don't embarrass me." "I won't." "Anyway, listen I meant to ask I need a way to kill people." "Don't worry!" "For my script." "I don't write that kind of stuff." "Come on, please?" "You're the genius." "Okay." "The killer's a literature professor." "He cuts little chunks from his victims' bodies until they die." "He calls himself "The Deconstructionist"." "That's good." "I like that." "I was kidding, Donald." "Oh, okay." "Sorry." "You got me." "Can I use it, though?" "It's really good." "I split the Cassie scene in half." " I saw that." "Why did you do it?" " I wanted more tension." "You know?" "Then you pick it up later." "It keeps more tension." "That way, the audience gets stuck early on." " You like it?" " I really do." "You look hot tonight, baby." "Thanks, Donald." "That's sweet of you." "Don't you think she's hot?" "I'm heading home." "Really?" "Come on." "Hey, it's Amelia!" "Hey, Amelia!" "Hey, Donald!" "Hey, Charlie!" "We don't see you anymore." "What happened?" "I miss you, kiddo." "It's good to see you." "This is my girlfriend, Caroline." "She's a makeup artist forthe movies." "This is David, my friend." "Nice to meet you." "Amelia's talked a lot about you." "I'm Donald." "So how are you?" "You know me, a mess." "Oh, Charlie." "It's really good to see you." " Is work good?" " It's a disaster." "But it's my problem." "I don't want to bore you." "You have your own stuff, right?" "We have our separate stuff." "Anyway, I was just heading home to work." "You coming?" "No, I'm staying at Caroline's tonight." "A little push-push in the bush!" "Donald, you are such a 'tard!" "See you, Charlie!" "To write about a flower, to dramatize lt," "I must show the flower's arc." "The flower's arc goes back to the beginning of life." "How did the flower get here?" "Therefore" "England, 139 Years Earlier" "I inferthat probably all organic beings which have ever lived on this earth  have descended from some one primordial form  into which life was first breathed." "It's a journey of evolution." "Adaptation." "The journey we all take." "Ajourney that unites all of us." "Darwin writes we all come from the first single cell organism." "Yet here I am." "And there's Laroche." "Orlean." "The ghost orchid." "All trapped in our own bodies, in moments in history." "That's lt." "That's what I need to do." "Tie all of history together." "Start right before life begins on Earth." "All is..." "lifeless." "Then, life begins." "With organisms." "Single cell ones." "It's before sex, 'cause everything was asexual." "We go to biggerthings." "Jellyfish." "Fish that got legs and crawled up on land." "And then we see, like, um, dinosaurs." "They're around a long time." "And then an asteroid comes and... insects, mammals, primates, monkeys old-fashioned monkeys giving way to new monkeys." "Then apes." "Whatever." "Man." "We see the whole history of human civilization hunting and gathering, farming, war, love, religion, disease, technology." "We come all the way to this moment  to end with Susan Orlean writing about flowers." "The movie begins." "This is the breakthrough I've been waiting for." "McKee is a genius!" "And hilarious." "He has all these great jokes and everybody laughs." "But he's serious, too." "You'd love him." "He's all for originality, just like you." "But he says we must realize we all write in a genre and we must be original within it." "There's been no new genre since Fellini invented the mockumentary." "My genre's thriller." "What's yours?" "You and I share the same DNA." "Is there anything more lonely than that?" "What'd you say, bro?" "Yeah." "Hey." "Hey, Susie-Q." "What's up?" "I don't want to bother you." "I just thought I'd get more info." "I think you say some pretty smart things, John." "Smartest guy I know." "So... whatever happened to your nursery?" "It was going pretty well but sometimes, bad things happen." "Darkness descends." "North Miami, Nine Years Earlier" "Nursery business good, Johnny?" "Everything's good, Uncle Jim." "This last year has been a dream, I'm telling you." "We're pulling out of debt." "Amen, honey." "I'm so proud of you two..." " Which ones are dead?" " Sir, don't move." "Tell me, which ones are dead?" "Which are dead?" "I killed my mom... and my uncle." "That's how I lost my front teeth." "My wife was in a coma for, like, three weeks." "She divorced me soon after she regained consciousness." "I think if I almost died," "I would leave my marriage, too." "Why?" "Because I could." "It's like a free pass." "Nobody can judge you if you almost died." "Well, I judged her." "Maybe I was being judged, too." "A month afterthat Hurricane Andrew swooped down like an angel of God and wiped out everything I had left." "Everything." "I knew lt'd break my heart to start another nursery so when the Seminoles called wanting a white guy or an expert to get their nursery going I took the job." "I didn't want to give them a conventional potted plant place." "I wanted to give them something amazing, you know?" "Yeah, I know, John." "I know." ""I wanted to give them something amazing."" "It's beautifully written." "You have such a unique voice." "Thank you very much." "We're big fans." "Thank you." "Laroche is such a fun character." "It's funny and fresh." "And sad in a way." "So, what's next?" "Random House has asked me to expand it into a book, so I'll be doing that." "Susan, we would really like to option this." " You want to make it into a movie?" " A movie." "That's really..." " How does that sound?" " Very exciting." "Good." "It's comical." "I hadn't thought of it." "I've never written a screenplay." "Oh, don't worry." "We have screenwriters to do that." "Hey, superstar!" "It's Marty, superagent." "It's been 13 weeks and Valerie is anxious to see a draft." "If you could get It to her Monday, that'd be great." "Call me when you get this." "Adios, amigo." "THE ORCHID THIEF by Charlie Kaufman" "Adapted from the book by Susan Orlean" "What are you laughing at?" "You're a genius." " Which line?" " You're a genius." ""We see orchid hunter Augustus Magary." ""He wears a filthy rag around his head to quell the excruciating pain."" ""The back of his trousers are greasy black from anal leakage due to dysentery."" ""He moans with each tentative step through the sickeningly overgrown jungle."" "I'm fucked." "We open with Laroche." "He's funny." "He says:" ""I love to mutate plants." "It's fun."" "We show flowers, and the court case." "Laroche says," ""I mutated as a baby." "That's why I'm so smart." That's funny." "We open at the start of time." "No, Laroche driving." "Crazy White Man!" "Jelly Belly gonna get you!" "I don't know how to adapt this." "I should have stuck with my own stuff." "See her?" "I fucked her up the ass." "No." "I'm kidding." "Maybe I can help." "It's about flowers." "But it's not only about flowers." "You have the crazy plant guy." "He's funny." "Right?" ""There's not enough of him to fill a book."" ""So Orlean digresses in long passages."" ""No narrative unites the passages."" "Times Book Review." "I can't structure this." "It's sprawling New Yorker shit." "Man." "I'd fuck her up the ass." "Sorry." "The book has no story!" "Okay." "Make one up." "Nobody in this town can make up a crazy story like you." "You're the king." "I didn't want to do that this time." "It's someone else's material." "I have a responsibility..." "I wanted to grow as a writer." "I wanted to do something simple." "Show people how amazing flowers are." "Are they amazing?" "I don't know." "I think they are." "You have to get me out of this." "You've strung them along for months now." "Not to give them anything now would be a terrible career move." "My script's going amazing!" "I'm working out an image System." "Given my multiple personality theme," "I'm using the motif of broken mirrors to show my protagonist's fragmented self." "Bob says an image System greatly increases aesthetic complexity." " Bob says..." " You sound like you're in a cult." "No, it's just good writing technique." "I made you a copy of McKee's 10 Commandments!" "I posted one over both our work areas!" "You shouldn't have done that." "It's extremely helpful." "I'm putting a song in "Happy Together"." "Like when characters sing pop songs and dance." "I thought it would break the tension." "I was nervous putting a song in a thriller but Bob says "Casablanca", one of the greatest scripts ever written did exactly that mixed genres." "I haven't slept in a week." "I need to go to bed." "Good night." "Hi." "John, it's Susan again." "Hey, Susie-Q!" "How's it going?" "Great." "I'm training myself on the Internet." "I'm doing pornography." "It's amazing how much suckers will pay for photos of chicks." "Doesn't matter if they're fat or ugly or what." "Well, that sounds good." "It's great is what it is." "Listen John I have the feeling I'm being a pain, but I still haven't seen a ghost." "I was hoping maybe you'd...?" "Yeah." "I'll take you in." " Tomorrow." " Really?" "Thank you so much!" "Oh!" "John." "Damn it." "There are too many ideas and things and people." "Too many directions to go." "I was starting to believe the reason" "It matters to care passionately about something  is that It whittles the world down to a more manageable size." "Such sweet, sad insights." "So true." "I like looking at you." "I like looking at you, too, Charlie." "I don't know how to do this." "I'm afraid I'll disappoint you." "You've written a beautiful book." "I can't sleep." "I'm losing my hair." "I'm fat and repulsive." "You're not." "You're not." "Just whittle It down, you know?" "Focus on one thing in the story." "Just find that one thing  that you care passionately about  and write about that." "We see Susan Orlean, delicate, haunted by loneliness, fragile, beautiful." "She lies awake next to her sleeping, insensitive husband." "Her voice over begins." ""I suppose I have one unembarrassed passion."" ""I want to know how it feels to care about something passionately."" "Morning." "Hey, you two." "Up early for a change." "You're chipper." "I'm good." "I have some new ideas." "God, you guys are so smart!" "It's like a brain factory in here." "I got some ideas, too, this morning." "He got some really good ones." "You know, in a Donald sort of way." "I'm putting..." "Hey!" "What?" "I'm putting in a chase scene." "The killer flees on horseback with the girl." "The cop chases them on a motorcycle." "It's like a battle between motors and horses... technology versus horse." "They're still all one person, right?" "Well, that's the big payoff." "It sounds exciting." "Thanks, man." "See, I told you he'd like it." "You're my muse." "You are." "I love being your muse." "I'm so happy about that." "I'm picking up an order for Kaufman." " Hi Charles." " Hi." "What a coincidence, seeing you!" "I'm sorry I didn't call you back." "I was away last week." " That's okay." " I meant to." "Things are going really well now." "Great." "I'm anxious to see something." "Sit down!" "I'm here with Susan." "She's dying to meet you, so have a seat." "Susan Orlean is here?" "Yeah, she's in town for a reading or something." "She's on the phone." "Sit down." "She's dying to meet you." "I should probably go." "I'd love to meet her, too but I don't want to be beholden." "When you meet someone you've already written about, it becomes hard to separate." "I'll speak to you soon." "I'm almost done." "And tell Susan I would love to meet her at a future date." "Okay." "I collected a bunch." "This isn't Susan Orlean's story." "I have no connection to her." "I don't understand anything outside my own pathetic little existence." "It's like the only thing I'm actually qualified to write about is myself and my own..." "We open on Charlie Kaufman, fat, old, bald, repulsive sitting in a restaurant, across from Valerie Thomas a lovely, statuesque film executive." "Kaufman, trying to get a writing assignment wanting to impress her, sweats profusely." "Fat, bald" "Kaufman paces furiously in his bedroom." "He speaks into his hand-held tape recorder and says:" ""Charlie Kaufman, fat, bald, repulsive, old, sits in a restaurant with Valerie Thomas."" "Kaufman, repugnant, jerks off to the book jacket photo of..." "What do you want?" "I've finished my script." "I'm done." "Would you show it to your agent?" "It's called "The Three"." "Thanks." "And thanks for your idea." "I changed it a bit." "Now the killer cuts off body pieces and..." "See, Caroline has a tattoo of a snake swallowing its own tail..." "Ourobouros." "I don't know what that means." "The snake's called Ourobouros." "I don't think so." "Anyway, it's a cool M.O., because in the end, when he forces the woman who's really him to eat herself, he's eating himself to death." "I'm insane." "I'm Ourobouros." "I don't know what that means." "I wrote myself into my screenplay." "That's kind of weird, huh?" "It's self-indulgent." "It's narcissistic." "It's solipsistic." "It's pathetic." "I'm pathetic and fat." "I'm sure you had good reasons, Charles." "You're an artist." "The reason is because I'm too timid to speak to the author." "I'm pathetic." "I have no idea how to write." "I can't make flowers fascinating." "I suck." "Am I in the script?" "I'm going to New York." "I'll meet her." "That's what I have to do." "Don't get mad, but Bob's having a seminar in New York this weekend." "So if you're stuck..." "And she said, "Laroche is such a fun character."" "I am a fun character." "Who'll play me?" "I have to write the book first, John." "Then they get someone to write the script." "I think I should play me." "Most people yearn for something exceptional  something so inspiring, they'd risk everything forthat passion  but few would act on lt." "It's very powerful." "And It's intoxicating  to be around someone  so alive." "Follow me!" "They're nearby." "Can I ask you a personal question?" "We're not lost!" "I've done this a million times." "When everything is killing me," "I say "screw it" and go straight ahead!" "Sundial!" "I'll set this up, we wait a few minutes, then we can tell which way the sun's moving." "We should be headed southeast." "So, do you collect anything?" "Not really, no." "Well, you know it's not really about collecting the thing it's about, uh... being able to..." "The thing I like about computers is that I'm immersed in them but it's not a living thing." "That'll leave or die or something" "John, I'm sorry." "I just..." "Okay." "Hey." "Okay." "Fuck the sundial." "I know how to get out of here." "I know this swamp like the back of my hand!" "You're like everybody else." "Fucking leeches!" "You attach to me, suck me dry, spit me out." "Why can't you get your own life?" "Your own interests?" "Fucking spoiled bitch!" "Life seemed to be filled with things that were just like the ghost orchid." "Wonderful to imagine and easy to fall in love with, but  a little fantastic  and fleeting  and out of reach." "Three Years Later" ""...but a little fantastic, and fleeting, and out of reach."" "Hello." "It's Marty." "Has it been helpful talking to the writer?" "What's her name?" "Susan Orlean." "It's been okay." "Are you making headway?" "Valerie's breathing down my neck." "You can't rush inspiration." "Okay." "Fair enough." "The other reason I called was "The Three"." "It's amazing!" "I don't know..." "Donald's script!" "A smart, edgy thriller." "It's the best script I've read all year!" "Good." "I'm going to sell It for a shitload." "Two talented guys in one family!" "Maybe your brother could help you with the orchid thing." "Marty, don't say that." "Okay." "Just a thought, buddy." "I mean, he's goddamned amazing at structure." "I have to go." "Okay." "Adios, amigo." "Finish that..." "Fuck!" "Thank you, thank you." "We have three long days ahead." "Years from now, you'll be at a posh party congratulating yourself on spending an entire weekend locked in a room with an Hollywood asshole for your art." "I am pathetic." "I am a loser." "What is the substance of writing?" "I have failed." "I am panicked." "I have sold out." "I am worthless." "What the fuck am I doing here?" "What am I doing here?" "!" "Fuck!" "It is my weakness, my lack of conviction that brings me here." "Easy answers." "Rules to short-cut yourself to success." "Here I am, because my jaunt into the abyss brought nothing." "Isn't that the risk of attempting something new?" "I should leave." "I'll start over." "Face this project..." "God help you if you use voice over in your work, my friends!" "God help you!" "It's flaccid, sloppy writing!" "Any idiot can write voice over narration to explain a character's thoughts." "Okay." "One hour for lunch." "You cannot have a protagonist without desire!" "It doesn't make any sense!" "Any fucking sense!" "You follow?" "Good." "Anyone else?" "Sir, what if a writer wants to create a story where nothing much happens?" "Where people don't change or have any epiphanies." "They struggle, are frustrated and nothing is resolved." "More like the real world." "The real world?" "Yes, sir." "The real fucking world." "First of all, write a screenplay without conflict or crisis, you'll bore your audience to tears." "Secondly nothing happens in the world?" "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "People are murdered every day." "There's genocide, war, corruption." "Every day, somewhere in the world, somebody sacrifices his life to save somebody else." "Every day, somebody somewhere consciously decides to destroy someone else!" "People find love!" "People lose it!" "A child watches a mother beaten to death on the steps of a church!" "Someone goes hungry!" "Someone else betrays his best friend for a woman!" "If you can't find that stuff in life, then you, my friend don't know crap about life!" "And why the fuck are you wasting my two precious hours with your movie?" "I don't have any use for it!" "I don't have any bloody use for it!" "Okay, thanks." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " Mr. McKee!" " Yes?" "I'm the guy you yelled at this morning." "I need more." "I said things didn't happen in life." "Right." "Okay." "Nice to see you." "I need to talk!" "My even standing here is very scary." "I don't meet people well." "But what you said shook me to the bone." "It's biggerthan my writing choices it's about my choices as a human being." "Please." "Well, I could sure use a drink, my friend." ""...but a little fantastic and fleeting and out of reach."" "Then what happens?" "That's the end of the book." "I wanted to present it simply, without big character arcs or sensationalizing." "Show flowers as God's miracles." "Show that Orlean never saw the blooming ghost orchid." "It was about disappointment." "I see." "That's not a movie." "You have to go back, put in the drama." "I can't go back." "I have pages of false starts and wrong approaches." "I'm way past my deadline." "I'll tell you a secret." "The last act makes the film." "Wow them in the end and you have a hit." "You can have flaws, problems, but wow them in the end, and you have ahit." "Find an ending, but don't cheat." "And don't you dare bring in a deus ex machina." "Your characters must change." "And the change must come from them." "Do that and you'll be fine." "You promise?" "Mr. McKee." "Have you taken my course before?" "My brother did..." "my twin, Donald." "He's the one who got me to come." "Twin screenwriters?" "Julius and Philip Epstein who wrote "Casablanca" were twins." "You mentioned that in class." "Finest screenplay ever written." "Great writers'residence." "Donald." "How's yourtrip going?" "You getting it on with that lady journalist, you dog?" "I called to say congratulations on your script." "Isn't It cool?" "Marty says he can get me high sixes against a mil-five." "That's great, Donald." "Thank you for all your help." "I wasn't any help." "You let me stay in your place and your integrity inspired me to try." "It's been a wild ride." "Catherine wants to play Cassie." "Oh, please!" "Please, Donald?" "Catherine Keener?" "She's in my house?" "We're playing Boggle." "She's great." "You should hang out with her." "Yeah." "Um, look I was thinking maybe you'd like to hang out with me in New York." "Oh, my God, yes!" "I wanted to show my script to some people and maybe you could read it, too." "Of course." "I'd be flattered." "Okay." "Thanks, Charles." "Okay, bye." "So, what would you do?" "The script kind of makes fun of me." " Sorry." "I was trying something." " I don't mind." "It's funny." "Good." "Okay." "So what would you do?" "You and me are so different..." "we're different talents." "Just for fun, how would the great Donald end this script?" "Shut up. "The great Donald"." "It feels like you're missing something." "Like what?" "I did a little research on the airplane." ""Sometimes this kind of story turns out to be something more..."" ""...a glimpse of life that expands like those Japanese paper balls you drop in water..." ""...that bloom into flowers that are so marvelous you can't believe..." ""...there was a time all you saw was a paper ball and a glass of water."" "That's inconsistent." "She said she didn't care about flowers." "It's just a metaphor." "But for what?" "What turned the paper ball into a flower?" "It's not in the book." "I don't know." "You're reaching." "Maybe." "I think you need to speak to this woman." "I can't." "Really." "I'll go." "I'll pretend I'm you." "I want to." "We'll get to the bottom of this." "We'll fix your movie, bro." "You have to be exactly me." "I have a reputation to maintain." "You can't be a goofball or an asshole." "I'm not an asshole." "You know what I mean." "No flirting." "No bad jokes." "Don't laugh how you laugh." "I won't laugh." "I get to have people think I'm you." "It's an honor." "I guess I'll bring out the big guns now." "Are you in touch with Laroche?" "I ask because I felt I detected an attraction to him in the subtext." "Care to comment?" "Our relationship was strictly reporter subject." "I mean, certain an intimacy does evolve in this kind of relationship." "By definition, I was so interested in everything he had to say." "But the relationship ends when the book ends." "Mendacious deceit." "What?" "Nothing." "I just have one more question." "If you could have dinner with a historic figure, living or dead who would it be?" "Well, I would have to say Einstein, or Jesus." "Very good." "Interesting answer." "She's lying!" "What?" "What happened?" "Nothing." "She said everything right." "Too right." "Maybe because they're true." "Did you embarrass me?" "People who answertoo right are liars." "Everybody says Jesus and Einstein it's a prepackaged answer." "Jesus and Einstein?" "I have an ide..." "I'll need some binoculars." "What's Jesus and Einstein?" "Lmagine me and you, I do..." "Come on!" "I think about you day and night, it's only right..." "Sing with me!" "To think about the one you love and hold yourtie, so happy together." "Why do you need binoculars?" "Let's go." "Let's go." "She hung up the phone." "She's upset." "Stop watching her." "She's crying." "She's at her computer." "This is morally reprehensible." "United to Miami eleven fifty-five A.M. Tomorrow." " I thought she was done with Laroche." " Her parents live in Florida." "That was no parent phone call, my friend." "Don't say "my friend"." "A guy entering." "Handsome." "Must be her husband." "She's acting weird with him, though." "Don't you think?" "What's she hiding from him?" "Maybe she's a lesbian and doesn't know how to tell him." "What do you say?" "You check out Laroche's porn site?" "No." "I'm trying to read." "I'm going to look at the porn site." "Research." "Don't tell my old lady." " You mean Mom?" " No, I don't mean Mom." " We should go to Miami tomorrow." " Forget it." "Some of these chicks look okay." "Guess what?" "We're going to Miami." "I said no!" "I said yeah, baby." "Come here." "What I came to understand is that change is not a choice." "Not for a species of plant, and not for me." "It happens, and you are different." "Fakahatchee, 3 Years Earlier" "Maybe the distinction between the plant and me is  afterward, I lied about my change." "I lied in my book." "I pretended with my husband that everything was the same." "But something happened in the swamp that day." "Look!" "I told you I'd find the jewel of the Fakahatchee." "It's a flower." "It's just a flower." "Might as well grab it, long as I'm here." "Boy, my porn site is gonna be big." "Look, there's something I didn't tell you." "I want to tell you about the ghost." "Okay?" "I think it might help you." "I'd just started at the nursery." "I went back one night to get something." "They wanted the ghost to extract the drug." "It had been a ceremonial thing, but the young guys like to get stoned." " Matthew was one of the guys who...?" " He too!" "Sure!" "Matthew lived on that shit till they ran out." "There was this one day he was fascinated by me." "By my hair and my sadness." "It does that." "I wanted to tell you." "I think you'd like it." "It seems to help people be fascinated." "I can extract it." "I know ho..." "I watched." "I'm probably the only white guy who knows." "I want to do this, Susie." "I'm done with orchids, Laroche." "Hello." "Hi." "It's John." "Did you get my package?" "John," "John!" " Hey, John?" " Yes?" "Very happy now." "Well, I'm glad." "Very happy." "John..." "Will you go like this?" "No." "Keep going." "I'm trying to make a dial tone." "You have to sustain then I'lljoin you and together..." "I can't do it by myself." "Which one do you want me to do?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Here we go." " That's it." " We got lt." "That's fucking amazing." "Do you ever get lonely sometimes, Johnny?" "I was a weird kid." "Nobody liked me." "But I had this idea  if I waited long enough, someone would come around and just  you know... understand me." "Like my mom." "Except someone else." "She'd look at me  and quietly say:" ""Yes."" "Just like that." "And I wouldn't be alone anymore." "I wish I were an ant." "They're so shiny." "You're shinierthan any ant, darling." "That's the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me." "Well, I like you, that's why." "Florida, Three Years Later" "I'll get a closer look." "You wait here." "Wait!" "I should go." "I mean, it should be me, right?" "I mean, it's my..." "I was..." "Go for it, bro." "You're the man." "Rip 'em!" "Just rip 'em." " Get down!" " Who is that?" " Who the fuck are you?" "!" " I just..." "Nobody." "Wait a minute." "You know who..." "He's that screenwriter." "What, the guy that's adapting our book?" "Yes." "That's wild." "Nice to meet you." "Hey dude..." "who's going to play me?" "I'm not..." "I don't know that." "I thought I should play me." "Did he follow me?" "No." "I should go." "It was nice to meet you." "Let me give you my number, huh?" "I'm really freaking here, Johnny." "Why is he here?" "Why did he follow me?" " What does he know?" " I don't know anything." "He saw the greenhouse." "Shit!" "Are you going to write about this?" "I really don't know what "this" is." "He's lying." " Hold him." " Stay!" "We have to kill him." "What?" " What are we supposed to do?" "!" " Sit down!" "Susie, you have to calm down." "You're getting a little emotional." "You don't know..." "I can't have him writing about me." "I can't have people knowing about us, and about this." "Why?" "Are you ashamed of me, Susie?" "No, that's not it." "How could you even think that?" "I'm a professionaljournalist." "The drugs and we can't kill anyone." "I'll do it." "By myself." " Come on!" " I won't tell anybody." "Put him in his fucking car!" "Turn it off and get out." "Run!" "Susan!" "What the fuck was that?" "I don't know." "I couldn't see." "Fuck!" "Come on!" "Help me find the flashlight." "So it was a guy?" "Yeah." "Fat." "That's all I could tell." "This is ridiculous." "We have to split up." "I can't!" "I can't be by myself out here." "I'm not going to do that." " They're gong to find us." " I don't think so." "I don't want to die, Donald." "I've wasted my life." "You did not." "And you won't die." "I wasted it." "I admire you." "I spent my whole life paralyzed worrying about what people think of me, and you're just oblivious." "I'm not oblivious." "You don't understand." "I mean that as a compliment." "There was this time in high school." "I was watching you out the library window talk to Sarah Marsh." " I was so in love with her." " I know." "You were flirting with her and she was being really sweet." "I rememberthat." "Then, when you walked away she made fun of you with Kim Canetti." "And it was like they were laughing at me." "You didn't know at all." "You seemed so happy." "I knew." "I heard them." "Then why were you so happy?" "I loved Sarah, Charles." "It was mine, that love." "I owned it." "Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away." "I can love whoever I want." "But she thought you were pathetic." "That was her business, not mine." "You are what you love not what loves you." "That's what I decided a long time ago." "What's up?" "Thank you." "For what?" "Listen." "I hearthem." "I hearthem." "I hearthem breathing." "Guys?" "Where's the van?" "Is it gone?" "I don't know." "Maybe." "Shit!" "I can't believe I got shot." "Isn't that fucked-up?" "Shut up." "Stop laughing." "You're going to be okay, Donald." "Just don't go to sleep." "Don't go to sleep." "Look at me." "Look at me, Donald." "Keep looking at me." "Open your eyes." "Donald, please open your eyes." "Please open your eyes, Donald." "Donald!" "Open your eyes!" "Look at me." "Look." "Help!" "John!" "Sorry..." "I have to do this, dude." "I'm not a killer." "Imagine me and you I do." "Help!" "You fat piece of shit!" " He's dead!" " Shut up!" " You loser!" " Shut up!" "Fat fuck!" "Fuck you, lady!" "You're just a lonely... old, desperate, pathetic drug addict!" "Oh, my God." "It's over." "Everything's over." "I did everything wrong." "I want my life back." "I want it back before it all got fucked up." "I want to be a baby again." "I want to be new." "I want to be new." "Hello." "Hello." "Mom." "Charles." "Charles, is that you?" "Charles, what's wrong?" "Are you okay?" "Donald says, "That was her business, not mine." ""You are what you love, not what loves you." ""I decided that a long time ago."" "Kaufman starts to cry." "He tries to thank his brother, but he can't put It into words." "How are you getting on?" "I'm okay." "I miss him." " How's the script coming?" " Good." "I'm almost done." "I'll be glad to move onto something else." "I'll bet." "Things okay with you?" "In January, David and I went to Prague." "That was a high point." "That sounds great." "That's great!" " There's amazing puppet theaterthere." " I've heard." "And there's this church decorated with human skulls and bones." "Forty thousand skulls and bones." "I thought about you when I was there." "Charlie, I'm with someone." "Why are you doing this now?" "I love you." "I should go." "I have to, uh..." "I have stuff I have to do." "I'm going away this weekend and I have a million things." "I love you, too, you know." "I have to go home." "I know how to finish the script." "It ends with Kaufman driving home after lunch with Amelia  knowing how to finish the script." "Shlt, that's voice over." "McKee would not approve." "How else can I show his thoughts?" "I don't know." "Who cares what McKee says?" "It feels right." "Conclusive." "I wonder who'll play me?" "Someone not too fat." "I like Gerard Depardieu, but can he not do the accent?" "Anyway, It's done..." "and that's something." "So, Kaufman  drives off from his encounter with Amelia, filled forthe first time with hope." "I like this." "This is good." ""We're all one thing, Lieutenant." "That's what I've come to realize."" "Like cells in a body." "'Cept we can't see the body." "The way fish can't see the ocean." "So we envy each other." "Hurt each other." "Hate each other." "How silly is that?" "A heart cell hating a lung cell."" "Cassie from THE THREE" "In Loving Memory of Donald Kaufman"