"_" "Today Arnold Schwarzenegger became Governor of California." "Today Saddam Hussein has been captured." "The illusionist is still alive after being attacked by one of his tigers." "♪ Yeah [ Cheering ]" "_" "Piper:" "Hey, hey!" "Martin Luther King Day weekend-- you know what that means." " Time to get our drink on!" " Time to get our drink on!" "[ Both laugh ]" "Yeah, right?" "[ Laughs ] It's hilarious." "Piper:" "Uh, sorry, guys." "It's ladies' night." "Aw, come on-- one dance." "Thank you." "Hey, my dad owns a construction company." "Ooh, commercial or residential?" "Commercial all the way, baby." " Ahh!" "Piper:" " Leave us alone!" "Oh, hey." "No one's touching you on purpose." "Piper:" "Why not?" "Oh, it's just me and my boys, we don't find you attractive." "Have a great time, though." " Whoo!" " Oh, no, no." "Excuse me." "Remember two seconds ago I was just asking you just to move?" "Thanks." "Perfect." "Just right there." " Oh, please." "Piper:" " Whoo!" "No, no, no." "He's an exchange student." "I think you just kind of freak him out." "M-L-K!" "[ Crowd chants "M-L-K!" ]" "[ Crowd gasps ]" "Whoa!" "Not cool, man." "This very unattractive girl is crazy." "Piper:" "I will have you know I am very attractive." "[ Siren walls ] Cops are coming." "I've got a bunch of heroin in my bag." "I can't go back to jail." "Kove:" "Come with me." "There's no time to lose." "Piper:" "Who are you?" "Where are we going?" "Do you find me attractive?" "Bye, girlie!" "Sorry they didn't find you attractive." "[ Tires squeal ] Piper:" "So who are you?" "Diego!" "♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "Piper:" "So what's, like, your deal?" "Kove:" "I'm a special agent." "Piper:" "Agent?" "As in "modeling agent"?" "Kove:" "I'm part of an elite national terrorism strike force, located here in San Diego." "And we would like to make you a member of our team." "Piper:" "Why me?" "Kove:" "You fit a profile, and that made you a very attractive candidate for us." "Piper:" "You think I'm attractive?" "Kove:" "What I'm about to tell you is classified." "So you are not to tell a single soul." "If you do, you could be endangering the lives of innocent human beings." "So you do think I'm attractive." "Kove:" "Have you noticed the large amount of Korean nail salons in town?" "Piper:" "Uh, you tell me." "Kove:" "Unfortunately, that French-tip manicure is helping fund anti-American state-sanctioned terrorists." "Piper:" "Well... [ Sighs ]" " I mean, I never tip them, so..." "Kove:" " Ever hear of a country" " called West Korea?" "Piper:" " No." "Where is it?" "Kove:" "It's in the western part of Korea." "Run by Communist dictator and University of Phoenix graduate Byung Hyung Sha." "The nail salons are a front." "They're using our mani/pedi cash to acquire industrial amounts of toxic chemicals." "They're nearing completion of a dirty bomb as we speak, filled with so much acrylic dust and butylphenol formaldehyde it could kill us all." "And they're located here" " Boom Boom Nail." "We sent in one of our top agents for a cuticle trim, and he never came out." "Piper:" "Well, why don't you just go get him?" "Because he's my husband." "Also, I have to go to a baby shower." " Do you speak Korean?" "Piper:" " Well... [ Scoffs ]" "I mean, I took two years of Spanish, but I literally remember nothing." "Kove:" "It's not a problem." " Robot SAM!" " Hello." "I am SAM." "Piper:" "Cool!" "Is this robot gonna, like, implant a chip in my brain so" " that I can speak Korean?" "Kove:" " No." " You have to read this book." "Piper:" " Ugh!" "I have to memorize this entire book?" "Ugh!" "I am SAM." "I am SAM." "I am SAM." "Kove:" "Ugh." "Enough of that." "He's obsessed ever since he saw that Sean Penn movie." "Piper:" "What a great water-aerobics class, right?" "Sam:" "I always have such a good time with you." "Did I tell you that your eyebrows look amazing today?" "I mean, they really are your best feature." "Piper:" "You're my best friend." "And nothing more, Sam." "I have something really important to tell you, but no one else can hear." " Sam." "Sam:" " Yeah?" "Piper:" "You can't tell anyone, but I'm a secret agent!" "Sam:" "What?" "Piper:" "Listen, Sam, if anything is to happen to me, you have to know that I only ever thought of you as a friend, okay?" "There's no way I would ever, ever, ever think of you as" " something more!" "Sam:" " What?" "Piper:" "Seriously, you can't tell anyone about this." "No one is supposed to know." "You could easily die because of what you know!" "Sam:" " What?" "Piper:" " You could die!" "Sam:" " I would die for you!" "Piper:" " What?" "Sam:" " What?" "Piper:" " What?" "Sam:" "What?" "Piper: [ Gasps ]" " New clothes?" "Yes!" "Kove:" " Disguises, really." "We just need to subtly alter your appearance." "Piper:" "I like this, but I love this." "Kove:" "The more subtle the better." "Fine-- it's your mission and you do whatever you want to do." "And again, I'd be right there with you if I didn't have this damn baby shower to go to." "But it's a friend of the family, and she went to my dad's funeral, so I have to go." "Piper:" "Sam, are you there?" "Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam." "Sam:" "I'm here." "Always." "I'll never leave you." "Piper:" "Just so you know, being in this high-stress situation does not change a thing about my feelings for you." " Not a damn thing." "Sam:" " Yeah." "I got it." "Piper:" "If I fail this, you will be killed instantly." "Sam:" "I know." "I'm okay with that." "[ Korean accent ] Eyebrow?" "Piper:" "No." "What?" "My eyebrows are perfect." "Just a mani, please." "Just nails." "[ Speaking Korean ]" "[ Laughter ]" "Piper:" "I wish I knew what they were saying." "Sam:" "Uh, she's telling them, "This woman is so tall, like a basketball man."" "Piper:" "Oh, thank you." "[ Glass shatters, man groaning ]" " What is behind that screen?" " My dog." "[ Groaning continues ]" "Trent: [ Muffled ] Help me." "Sam:" "Piper?" "You can file this one under "I'm about to kick your ass."" "You West Koreans should go back to West Korea, which is located in the western part of Korea." "Don't worry." "I'm gonna get you out of here." "[ Groaning continues ]" "I'm gonna liberate you like we're gonna liberate the people of Iraq." "Mission accomplished." "Aah!" "Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk." "Your eyebrows are growing bushy." "Piper:" "That's impossible." "I've been told by several people that they're my best feature." "I think you could use some shaping." "Piper:" "What?" "No!" "No!" "Please no!" "The eyebrows are the frame to the face!" "[ Eyebrows rip ]" "In 10 minutes, all of San Diego will be blown to bits." "The air will be infected with poisonous acrylic dust, and we'll be halfway to Mexico in our Daewoo minivan." "[ Speaking Korean ]" "[ Beeping ]" "Piper:" "I failed." "I'm sorry, prisoner." "And I know that you can't tell this because I don't have any eyebrows and so I can't express my feelings, but I let you down, and I let me down, and I let San Diego down," "and I let my eyebrows down." "Sam:" "You didn't let me down." "Piper:" "Sam!" "Sam, what are you doing here?" "It's too dangerous." "Sam:" "I came back because I have something very important to tell you." "Oh, um... hold on." "What happened to your eyebrows?" "Piper:" "Oh... waxed off." "Sam:" "Man, I'm really not attracted to you without your eyebrows." "That is so crazy." "I don't have anything to tell you now." " Let's just get out of here." "Kove:" " Not so fast." "You entrusted secret government intel with a civilian." "Now we have to kill him." "I warned you about this!" "Piper:" " Goodbye, Sam." "Sam:" " Wait!" "Wait!" "Uh, I have value." "I can help." "I'll show you." "I got this, guys." "I'm great at computers." "I-I am." "I really am. [ Beep ]" "Wait." "Wait." "I can do this." "I can do it." "Piper:" "You should have just shot him." " Disarmed." "Sam:" " I disarmed it." "Piper:" "How did you do that?" "Sam:" "I just entered the latitude and longitude of West Korea." "I learned a lot about them this week." "Did you know that their national bird is a pig?" "Kove:" "We could use someone like you on the team." "Are you in?" "Sam:" "Yeah, I mean, whatever it takes for you not to kill me." "Trent: [ Groans ]" "Kove:" "Oh, sweetie, just a minute." "Trent:" "Looks like this place is gonna get... nailed on Citysearch." "Kove:" "Oh, Trent, it's like puns are your thing!" "Trent:" "Yeah, I had a lot of time back there to come up with a bunch of puns based on every type of destruction imaginable." "I guess you can say I'm gonna really bring the "pun... ...ishment."" "[ Chuckles ]" "Kove: - [ Laughs ] Piper:" " Look at us." "We just saved San Diego together and I didn't even get your name." "Kove:" "It's Kove." "Agent Kove." "Well, I guess our work here is done." "Alphonse:" " Excuse me." "Piper:" " May we help you?" "Alphonse:" "I'm here on Spring Break from Alaska." "And I don't have an appointment, but my cuticles are in need of some help." "Can anybody fit me in?" "Kove:" "Hmm, maybe we could use someone like you." "Are you in?" "Piper:" "You don't say that to everyone, do you?" "Kove:" "Certainly." "I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm in." "Kove:" " In?" "Sam:" " Yeah." "Kove:" " In?" "Trent:" " In." "Kove:" " In?" "Piper:" " In." "Kove:" " We're out." "Sam:" " Where are we going?" "Trent:" " We're going somewhere." "I'm putting together a team." "Before there was NTSF:" "SD:" "SUV:, there was" "NTSF:" "SD:" "Jeep Grand Cherokee." "Sam:" "Guys, Napster has taken over the Department Of Defense's computers." "Alphonse:" "I can't believe they canceling Friends." "They got to do a movie." "Piper:" "I'm thinking about getting a haircut, but I'm not gonna rush anything." "Sam:" "I just have one question." "Does he come in white?" "Kove:" "We need a new way to get around." "What about a Sport Utility Vehicle?"