"The following is a special address from the Secretary of the Treasury." "Good evening." "I'm Timothy Geithner, the Secretary of the Treasury." "Earlier this week, I reported to you the results of the so-called "stress tests" my department ran on the nation's nineteen largest banks." "This was an effort to determine each bank's fiscal soundness, following last September's $700 billion federal bailout." "Tonight, I would like to reveal to you, the American people, the results of part 2 of the Stress Test, the written exam, taken by all nineteen bank CEOs last Saturday." "Initially, my department had planned to give each bank a numerical grade of 1 to 100." "100 being a perfect score." "But then we decided that might unfairly stigmatize banks who scored low on the test because they followed reckless lending practices or were otherwise not good at banking." "So we changed to a simple "PASS/FAIL" system." "However, on reflection, a few of us felt that that system was too rigid, so we changed it once again to "PASS/PASS*"." "This seemed less judgmental and more inclusive." "Eventually, at the banks' suggestion, we dropped the asterisk and went with a "PASS/PASS" system." "Tonight, I am proud to say that after the written tests were examined, every one of the nineteen banks scored a "PASS"!" "Congratulations, banks!" "But that's no reason to just rest on our laurels." "There's always room for improvement." "None of the bank answered all 50 questions correctly, and most got less than half right." "One bank in particular, CitiGroup, seemed to think the whole thing was just a big joke." "Shame on you, CitiGroup!" "And this is a serious matter." "I was deeply disappointed with CitiGroup's attitude towards this entire project." "And, frankly, if CitiGroup weren't too big to fail," "I would have failed them." "That's how disguted I was." "But apart from CitiGroup, who are a bunch of smart ass punks, the other banks at least took the test seriously." "And since we can all learn from our mistakes," "I thought we'd take a moment to look at the most commonly missed questions:" "Number 11:" "The answer we were looking for was:" "10% cash on hand." "J.P. Morgan Chase wrote:" "Wells Fargo wrote:" "And CitiGroup, of course, wrote:" "Grow up, CitiBank." "Question 23 also stumped several banks:" "Goldman Saks wrote:" "State Street of Boston:" "And Capitol One said:" "Actually, none of these is correct." "The correct answer is:" "issue common stock." "Now, Question 30, which most banks got wrong, really has no one correct answer since it would vary with each bank." "Bank of America:" "CitiGroup said:" "And GMAC answered:" "As you'll notice, that last answer doesn't make sense, and that's because GMAC apparently answered "taxpayer Bailout"" "to every one of the 50 questions." "Although, that did turn out to be the right answer to thirty of them." "Question 41 tripped up a few banks:" "Obviously, we were looking for qualified." "Morgan Stanley wrote:" "Bank of New York Mellon:" "And CitiGroup:" "I don't know if they're serious about that job or not, but" "I think my mother would be really pumped." "Finally, what was the most difficult question?" "Apparently, this one from the multiple choice section:" "The correct answer is:" "a." "Good performance." "Surprisingly, all nineteen banks got this wrong." "Who knew?" "Thank you for your kind attention." "Together, we'll get through this." "And live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" "34x21 - 09 May 2009 Justin Timberlake / Ciara" "Thank you very much." "It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live." "I can't believe I'm hosting for... the third time because..." "The first time that I hosted..." "The whole thing was a blur" "I love you too." "I was terrified It was quite awry" "Could not believe that it occurred" "But now I'm back" "In old 8H" "On familiar ground" "Gonna make myself comfortable..." "This is awkward." "Say "hi" to America." "'Cause I think I know my way around" "I love this place!" "How are your parents Dan and Cathy?" " They're good." " Wasn't it their anniversary yesterday?" "Yeah, I forgot but they loved your flowers and note." "Great, it's the least I could do." " Good people!" " They are." "I know my lines I hit my marks" "I got my blocking down" "Tonight I will get the drill" "I think I know my way around" "Anything I can help with?" "I'm trying to explain to him that I can't have anything with peanut sauce." "Let me help." "He said there's no peanut sauce and then I made a dirty joke." "Yes, I'm back in SNL" "In my favorite town" "When I can lend a hand" " You're the man, Justin." " Hey, man." "I think I'm getting the hang of it." "Thanks to this great cast" "They're sweet, they're kind" "They're generous" "And their talent kicks ass" "I'm supposed to look real sexy" "But this dress does not feel right" "May I make a small adjustment?" "Now you're ready for tonight" "I lied about the looking sexy thing, I just wanted him to do that." "No need to explain." "Since my last time I traveled the world" "I've grown leaps and bounds" "But now I'm back where I belong" "I think I know my way around" "It's Justin." "Third time here hosting" "The third time is a charm" "Number 3, you'd agree" "Put I'm all into it you can see" "'Cause I practiced The fact is this season's fantastic" "I watched every host Whether home or on the road" "From Affleck to Phelps, Franco to Rogen," "Malkovich, Laurie, our friend Tracy Morgan," "Rudd, Bradley Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris," "McGraw, Zac Efron, The cute Anna Faris," "Brolin," "Hamm," "Rosario Dawson," "Baldwin," "Martin," "Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson," "Anne Hathaway, Tina Fey" "But now I'm here and I gotta say..." "We've got a great show." "Ciara is here." "So stick around, we'll be right back." "Hey Mom!" " Guess who got arrested?" " Who?" "Kevin Summerland!" " Who?" " You know." "Calvin Sonogram." " You mean Kiefer Sutherland?" " Yes, that's it." "Moms!" "They love us and they take care of us." "But one thing they can't do is remember celebrities' names." "Now you don't have to waste hours a day trying to decipher which celebrity your mother is referring to." "With the new Mom Celebrity Translator." "Simply enter the names pronounced by your mother..." "Kite Carbinaue." "... then enter whatever vague information" " your mother knows about this person..." " She's on TV... and she's crazy." "... and seconds later you'll have the translation." "Yeah, she's crazy." "Honey, who do you think is cuter:" "Rabbi Ronaldo or Champ Crowdaddy?" "You mean Ryan Reynolds or Chase Crawford." "Neither." "I like Jake Gyllenhaal." " Who?" " It even works backwards." "Sorry, Joe Geronimo." "I love Joe Geronimo, he was so good in "Breakdance Fountain"!" "And the Mom Celebrity Translator even comes with audio playback so moms can hear the right pronunciation." "Keith Ragu." "That's what I said." "The Mom Celebrity Translator..." "Look for it wherever mom products are sold!" "So..." "Ann Taylor" "Welcome to Target!" "Let's see..." "Yard gloves... tomato seeds... fertilizer..." "Hey, Pat Sajack, I solved the puzzle:" "gardening!" "It's gonna be $42,11." " Here you go." " A fifty!" "And it's legit!" "I get to put this under the tray." "I'm sorry I'm in a hurry." "You know what fertilizer is, right?" "Excuse me?" "It's part dirt and part feces." "It's my job to let you know what you're buying." "I thought you should know you're buying a big bag of feces." "Thanks." "Someone left a bag of feces on my doorstep once." "It was Halloween and they rang the bell but when I got there, they were gone!" "But they left their feces bag." "They must have forgotten it." "I put it in my garden but it didn't help any of my plants," "I think because it came from a person." "I'm sure this will work because this manure came from a chicken." "I haven't seen anything move that fast since I went to an illegal mouse race." "That was a weird, weird night." "Did somebody say weird?" "Peg!" "Hi girlfriend!" "So, I strained my neck." " How did you do that girlfriend?" " I was pushing a washing machine up a hill when my fashion sandal got caught on a decorative yard prick." "Is that not just classic Peg!" "Classic Peg." "So then I tripped and tried to brace myself on the washer lid but I ended up breaking it off and falling inside." "I rolled all the way back down the hill inside of it." "I was holding on to the cup that holds the softener and my legs were clinched around the agitator pole." "Can you believe it?" "I mean, is that not just Classic Peg!" "So classic!" "So the next thing I know, I'm peering my head out of the machine, it's 8 in the morning and I'm behind the Dunkin' Donuts by the private airport." "Classic Peg." "So, what brings you to Target, miss Thaing?" "Two words:" "potato sticks and Carl Earl." "I got a date tonight." "You know how I roll, I just..." "I'll be right back." " Hi, can I pay for this?" " I forgot my coconut water." "Just classic Peg." "Look how long your hair is." "I bet if you put it up in a bun it would look like you're wearing a hair-covered Kaiser roll." "Let's see..." "Sunscreen, nose plugs." "I wear nose plugs around the house when my neighbor cooks broccoli." "What's this?" "Arm floaties?" "You blow them up with air." "They're for my son to help him swim." "Where are you going?" "Excuse me, is this register open?" "I guess but the lady just took off." "Is it a white lady that has a haircut that looks like she's got bangs that go all the way around her head and never stops?" "Does she sound like her voicebox is covered in egg?" "That's her." "I thought so, I'm waiting in the other line." "I found them!" "I'm gonna blow these up and put them on my antique bean cans, filled them with pencils so I can write thank-you notes in the tub." "You're back!" "You are never gonna believe what just happened to me." "I was checking my mascara in one of the fish tanks when of a sudden I felt this tiny pinch on the edge of my panty band." "I looked around, push my slacks down to my ankles and found something crawling on me." "It was a Black Widow spider!" " Those are poisonous!" " I know!" "So I flicked it on the ground and realized, get this..." "It was a half-flattened licorice jelly bean." "So there I was, laughing with my comfort legs around my ankles by the fish tanks at Target." "Classic Peg." "Then guess who runs into me!" "My Preacher from church." "And guess what he said." "That Heaven has a Target?" "He didn't say that." "Classic Peg." "Classic Peg to the max!" "And look what else I found for my date tonight." "Satin handcuffs!" "Where are those?" "They're with the bachelorette party stuff." "I think it was aisle 12..." "This Peg." "I did call for a full body waxing except for the neck." "Yes, it usually takes about 3 hours with 2 breaks." "Yes, I can hop on my scooter and be there in 20." "I gotta go, my friend's coming back." "Wam bam, thank you Peg!" "I'm gonna put these around the trunks of my indoors palm trees to make sure they'll grow parallel to one another." "Listen, I gotta go." "I gotta get to my waxing." "My "Barbara Bush" is getting bigger by the minute." "I called it that because, well, it's white and a bunch of people took pictures of it in the 90's." "TMI, miss girl!" "I think about making cabbage tacos for us tonight." "Maybe I better pick up some air freshener." "How about instead you get a sented candle?" "We have vanilla, lavender breeze, stress relief." "I think there's peppermint in that." "Lilac..." "Look, Ellis Island!" "The new world is upon us!" "I can smell it in me nose!" "Just think of it, a chance to start a new life for our children." "And our children's children." "Someday I hope me great, great grandson might own his own land." "And I hope my great, great grandson will be a learning doctor." "What about you, Cornelius Timberlake?" "What do you hope your great, great grandson will be like?" "I know he'll be very handsome." "And... he'll be a millionaire." "A millionaire?" "From fur trapping?" "From coal?" "From popular songs." "What sort of songs could make a man millions?" "I don't know." "Maybe something like..." "Cry me a river." "He'll be a girl?" "That's a perfectly normal way for a man to sing!" "And... he'll be world famous by the age of 16." "All by 16?" "How?" "At a young age, he'll go to work with a band of boys." " Like in a sweatshop?" " Sort of." "Sort of like a sweatshop." "Then I imagine he'll branch out on his own." "Growing more and more handsome every day." "He'll strut about in tiny vests, thin ties, and outdated hats." " That will look dreadful!" " No, on him it will work!" "That will probably frustrate Huggar Maiden." "It... will." "I actually dream of a day when my great, great grandson will... bring sexy back." "Bring sexy back, what does that mean?" "It'll be gone and he'll bring it back!" " Where did it go?" " Just trust me, people will be on board." "It sounds like he'll have his pick of the ladies." "Indeed." "I'd like to think that at first, he'll date a popular female singer." "Publicly, they'll claim to be virgins but, privately... he hit it." "Then he'll make love with women so beautiful and so often, that it won't be enough for him, and he'll... maybe try some stuff with guys." "I mean he'll be straight!" "But, well, never mind, forget that part." "Everything else will come true but forget that part." "His life is going to be a nonstop orgy of fame and money." "He'll sing!" "He'll dance!" "He'll act!" "He'll even make surprise appearances on a Saturday night comedy show!" "There will be great excitement." "And then he'll appear." "Again... and again." "Many times a year." "Won't that lessen the excitement, though?" "Right?" "It'll be good, right?" "It will be good!" "Who are you?" "My name is Moyshe Samberg." "Your prediction has inspired me." "Maybe someday my great, great grandson will also make songs." "Do you think he'll have a beautiful voice?" "He'll have a voice, you know." "A fine, workable voice." "It'll be more about charisma with him." "And maybe... in this new land of opportunity, our grandsons will collaborate." " You know what, Jew?" "You're all right." " There it is." "To the new world!" " Dang." " What is it, dawg?" "I forgot it's Mother's Day" "Didn't get a gift for her" "Other plans got in the way" "She'll be so disappointed" "Damn, I forgot it too" " This could have been avoided" " What the hell are we gonna do?" "My mom's been so forlorn Ever since my daddy left" " Cold" " No one to hold her tight" "Life has put her to the test" "I know just what you mean My mom's been so sad and gray" "My dad can't satisfy her in the bedroom Ever since he passed away" " Hold up" " You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" " I'm thinkin' I'm thinkin' too" " Slow up" " What time is it, dawg?" " It's time for a switcheroo" "We both love our moms Women with grown-women needs" "I say we break 'em off Show 'em how much they really mean" "'Cause I'm a motherlover You're a motherlover" "We should fuck each other's mothers" "Fuck each other's moms" "You've seen that place That you came out as a baby" "Ain't no doubt that shit is crazy" "Fuck each other's moms" "'Cause every Mother's Day needs a mother's night" "If doing it is wrong I don't wanna be right" "I'm callin' on you 'Cause I can't do it myself" "To me you're like a brother" "So be my motherlover" "I'm layin', waitin' for your mom Clutchin' on this lube and roses" "I got my digital camera, I'm gonna make your mama do a million poses" " They will be so surprised" " We are so cool and thoughtful" "Can't wait to pork your mom" "I'm gonna be the syrup She can be my waffle" "My mother loves bubble bath with chamomile" "Give it to my mom doggy-style" "This the perfect plan For a perfect Mother's Day" "They'll have to rename this one "All Up Under The Covers Day"" "'Cause I'm a motherlover You're a motherlover" "We should fuck each other's mothers" "Fuck each other's moms" "I'll push in that place Where you came out as a baby" "Ain't no doubt that shit is crazy" "Fuck each other's moms" "It would be my honor To be your new stepfather" "It would be my honor To be your new stepfather" "I'll let you do my mother Make me another brother" "And I'm gonna do your mother I'll never use a rubber" "'Cause every Mother's Day needs a mother's night" "If doing it is wrong I don't wanna be right" "I'm callin' on you 'Cause I can't do it myself" "To me you're like a brother" "So be my motherlover" "They blessed us both with the gift of life" "She brought you in this world So I'ma sex her right" "This is the second-best idea that we've ever had" "The choice can be no other" "Be my motherlover" "Happy Mother's Day" "Think it's time to take some steps" "Building up your small biceps" "Work out right now" "Right now at Lifters!" "Everybody, forget plastic surgery." "Get yourself across the street and check out the grand opening of Lifter Fitness." "We got awesome machines, english-speaking trainers and a crazy amount of pure air so you won't get the swine flu." "You are gonna look so hot your friends are gonna think you got plastic surgery." "Did somebody say plastic surgery?" "Upfront style Ready to attack now" "I, Doctor, got the whole thing lock down" "I see you creeping I can feel you're looking nasty" "Wanna jump outta my Lamborghini and give uranoplasty" "Snip that, got a big ol' nose" "Tuck that, got some jelly rolls" "Nip that, got some fugly toes" "Just bring it all down to Plasticville!" "No offense Barbell but you're sort of trespassing." "It's a sidewalk and this is America." "Why don't you stand on your sidewalk over there?" "Because a dog laid a hot one and it's making me sick." "This is my spot I work here." "We all work and I'm about to work "it" right now." "Work out" "Feel good" "Join Lifters!" "When did your album drop?" "I'm not gonna take on your sucky energy." "Suck?" "That reminds me." "Maybe you were stupid" "For looking at your thighs" "Maybe you were wrong" "For wearing pants just too damn tight" "'Cause your fat is calling me" "Ever a small fee" "I'll lipo suck it outta you" "All you gotta do is..." "Bring it all out down to Plasticville!" "Nice try, but you can call me the buzz 'cause I'm about to take you to school!" "Mary had a big ol' gut" "Big ol' gut She had a big ol' gut" "Mary had a big ol' gut" "And now she joined Lifters... and she doesn't have one" "This month only in Lifters, two for one membership." "We got a two for one special too." "Check it, boy!" "Wish I could change my flat old chest" "And make it bigger than the rest" "Implants, don't wanna be an A" "Implants, discount if you prepay" "He ain't stopping now!" "I'll get real hot" "Show him what I got" "Just change my, just change my..." "Come on and change my mediocre face" "Just bring it all down to Plasticville!" "You know what?" " Your type really chafes my quads" " What exactly is my type?" "Guys who think they're cool beans on a hot sidewalk." "You're a bigger boob than me." "Why don't you go find a bench press to press 'cause I've got business to drum up." "You want them big ones now" "They've itty bitty jacking your style I'm gonna improve your swagger" "Gonna draw on you with a Sharpie" "Gotta get those boobs" "**** be bumpin' bumpin'" "Bring it all down to Plasticville!" "Hey guys, do you wanna look plastic or fantastic?" "Join Lifters." "Now, get off man." "Don't start trying to confuse me!" "Here comes the steroids' side effects." "Come on!" "You know what?" "These feel nice." " Cushy, isn't it?" " Yeah." "Did you know that one nostril is bigger than the other?" "Really?" "Kinda looks like..." "an electrical outlet." "Maybe that's why I'm not getting any gym tang." "Probably." "But we can fix that for you." "For half price, if you stay off our property." "That would be nice." "Do you ever do breast reductions on men?" " Why do you ask?" " No reason whatsoever." "Bring it all down to Plasticville!" "I'm Seth Meyers and here're tonight's top stories." "Lewis Caldera, the White House Aide who authorised the controversial photograph of Air Force One over Manhattan, resigned on Friday." "May I suggest that they replace him with Photoshop?" "You don't have to fly Air Force One over Manhattan to get a picture of Air Force One over Manhattan." "Here's Air Force One at the Pyramids." "Here it is in a crowded elevator." "Here it is on the red carpet with the Space Shuttle." "And of course, here it is in the children's book" ""Where's Air Force One?"." "Pope Benedict on Friday began his first trip to the Middle East in hopes that the Catholic Church can play a role in the region's peace process." "And because it's the Middle East, he traveled in the official Popemobile inside another Popemobile." "ESPN has reported that the drug that resulted in Manny Ramirez suspension from baseball was a fertility drug." "How did a fertility drug make him better baseball player?" "That's not his bat!" "In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, John Edwards' wife Elizabeth said that she has no idea if the former presidential candidate is the father of his mistresses baby." "Though, judging from this photo, I'd say there's a resemblance." "On Wednesday, Maine became the fifth State to legalize gay marriage after Governor Balducci signed a..." "Go for it." "... after Governor Balducci signed a same-sex marriage bill in the law." "It's the best news for gays in Maine since L.L. Bean introduced the line of assless duck waders." "Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend." "Before the wedding, the couple was registered at Craate  Baarreyhl." "Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend." "The wedding video was already nominated for an Independent Spirit Award." "There's more." "Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend." "Here's their official celebrity couple nickname:" "New York Governor David Pater..." "Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend." "They wrote their own vowels." "New York Governor David Paterson has come under increased criticism with a recent poll showing that 51% of New Yorkers would actually prefer disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer running things in Albany." "Here now to comment," "Governor David Paterson and former Governor Eliot Spitzer!" " Marco." " Polo!" "Thank you both for coming." "You both must have been surprised by the poll results." "Indeed!" "I haven't scored that low since my driving exam." "It's a little tough when people think you have worst judgment than a guy who didn't want use a condom with a prostitute." "Come on, it was funny." "By the way, not wearing a condom with a prostitute, that's like riding in a convertible through New Jersey!" "Because this place is so polluted." "Let's cut out the Jersey stuff." "Believe me, if we could cut out Jersey, we would!" "You know why they won't let you pump your own gas there?" "But it's because most people in Jersey lack that skill sets!" "In New Jersey, pumping gas is like performing brain surgery!" "Can we please get back to the poll?" "That's what he said!" "To a prostitute!" "Nice one!" "Seriously, that poll must have been a pretty crazy phone call to get." "Who'd you rather held as governor?" "The prostitute guy or Mister Disaster?" "That's a tough call to make since all options are terrible." "It's like judging a beauty contest in New Jersey!" "This poll is good news for you as you try to reenter public life." "Yeah true, I've been rebuilding my image." "Plus, let's remember, no charges were ever pressed against me." "I'm a free man." "I'm like that guy in the Shawshank Redemption, except I never had a tunnel behind a pin-up girl." "Wait..." "I did!" "Seriously, I think people are turning to me again in this tough economic time, there was a time where I was known as the "Sheriff of Wall Street"." "And I was the deputy who they wouldn't let have a gun!" "Your term hasn't been all bad, I mean you did get a good deal of support recently when you endorsed legalization of gay marriage." "That's true." "I believe that marriage should be open to people of all sexual orientations." "And I believe marriage should be open!" "High five!" "Republicans like Judge Scarborough have commented this week that this poll proves it would be easy for the Republicans to take Albany." "You think so, genius?" "The only way I'm getting reelected is if I save New York from a Cloverfield!" "Maybe it's one of those Sanjaya situations where people vote for me 'cause it's funny!" "What do you think is in stores for both of you?" "We might go into entertainment." "Now we are pitching a detective show to Spike TV." "It's called "Horn Dog and Blurry"!" " I'm Blurry." " He's Blurry." "You both realize you burned a lot of bridges out here?" "Yes Seth, we have burned a lot of bridges." "Now if we could only flood the tunnels, there would be no way to get to..." "New Jersey!" "David Paterson and Eliot Spitzer, everybody!" "Police in California arrested a man who tried to smuggle songbirds into the U.S." "by strapping more than a dozen birds to his legs and trying to walk out of the Los Angeles Airport." "Police became suspicious when they noticed the man was twittering without a Blackberry." "Harry Potter:" "The Exhibition opened at the Chicago Museum of Science..." "Turn around!" "There you go." "Just walk." "Harry Potter:" "The Exhibition opened at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry last week, using over 200 props to recreate the magical world of Hogwarts." "The exhibit offers fans a chance to meet magical creatures like Buckbeak the Hippogriff, Dobey the House Elf, and Barry the 47 year-old who is required to introduce himself under Megan's Law." "A pair of identical twins in China married another pair of identical twins." "What are the odds of that?" "Actually, in China, about 3 to 1." "A Philadelphia museum has rejected a request to test its sample of Abraham Lincoln's blood to see if the 16th president had a rare genetic disorder." "Which is weird, because I thought we were pretty clear on cause of death." "This week, Chanel, who has been named the "world's oldest dog" by Guinness World Records, turned 21 years old." "Chanel also holds the world record for "longest time playing dead", so I'm just saying maybe someone should check on Chanel." "A man in Russia who underwent penis-enlargement surgery returned to his doctors a month later begging them to undo it because he was too big and no woman wanted to be with him." "Though it's a little suspicious because he just kept saying it really loud near the nurse's station." "On Thursday, Star Trek opened in theaters nationwide with an ad campaign that promised this isn't your father's Star Trek." "A sentiment that upsets some of the hardcore fanbase of the franchise." "Here to address those fans:" "the stars of the film, Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto." "Thank You Seth!" "Zack and I we really wanted to come out tonight and address the long-time Star Trek fans." "We understand you guys are concerned about the way that we're handling your beloved franchise." "But don't worry, we've gone to great lengths to ensure this film fits flawlessly in with the established canon." "Absolutely Zack, all the stardates we use correspond perfectly with the ones used in the original series, and in "The Next Generation"." "And our movie takes the time to explore the origins of the Kolinahr Ceremony, and its fascinating connection to the Pon'Farr marriage ritual." "And, I swear that the transponders in the Enterprise... utilize the..." "God, I've no idea what I'm talking about." "Neither do I but, you guys, please... you have got to stop harassing us." " You're getting harassed?" " Yeah, you have no idea Seth, how insane some of these fans can be." "I'm getting angry calls in the middle of the night." "I think they're angry, I can't understand them." "They're speaking in Klingon or Hebrew." "And my mailbox keep getting vandalized, it's full with decapitated action figures and empty inhaler canisters." "And they tie knots to rocks and they're throwing 'em at my windows." "It's scratching the glass!" "The rocks don't break the windows?" "No, they're clearly not throwing them hard enough." "I guess I'm just surprised that you are being intimidated by Trekkies." "They can be really intimidating." "I mean, look." "I will kill you" "A little intimidating." "We just really want them to come out and see the movie." "They will come, they will come." "Leonard, what if they reject Chris and me as the new Kirk and Spock?" "Gentlemen, I've spent many years of my life among Trekkies..." "Trekkers." "And they have been some of the greatest years of my life." "And while that may take time, I believe that soon, they will find you Chris, to be equal to the original Captain Kirk." "And you, Zachary, to be slightly less than equal to the original Spock." "But ultimately okay." "You think they're gonna like the film on it?" " To not like it would..." " I know!" "I know what you're gonna say!" "To not like it would be highly illogical." "I was going to say: to not like it would make them dickheads." "The Star Trek cast everyone!" "Happy Mother's Day!" "It's the Barry Gibb Talk Show." "Here we are" "Tonight, Barry's guests are..." "In a room full of strangers" "Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi..." "Discussing politics" "CNN commentator, Roland S. Martin..." "And the issues of the day" "NYU Economics Professor..." "Well, I want to talk to you" "Nouriel Roubini." "Though you may not want me to" "And as always..." "I'm still gonna talk to you" "Barry's brother, Robin." "I don't care what you say" "Talking it up" "On the Barry Gibb Talk Show" "Talking about issues" "Talking about real important issues" "Talking it up" "On the Barry Gibb Talk Show" "Checking out politics" "In this crazy, crazy town" "Ladies and gentlemen, your host," "Barry Gibb!" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "We've got a great show for you tonight." "This is my show, and it's a no-nonsense show." "I will not take any crap from anybody." "Let's get down to business." "This week," "Fed Chairman Ben Shalom Bernanke said that the U.S. economy will pick up later this year." "Robin, do you have any thoughts?" "No, I don't." "Do you agree with Chairman Bernanke's rosy assessment about financial future?" "I do, Barry, but it's also important that we discover the causes of our current situation." "And the first step is the formation of an impartial investigatory committee." "A committee?" "A committee?" "That's your answer to the... worst financial disaster since the Great Depression?" "Are you out of your mother-loving dope-smoking hippie mind?" "No, I..." "Don't you dare contradict me at my show!" "Do you hear me, buggers?" "I'm Barry effing Gibb!" "Nouriel Roubini..." "You were one of the first people to predict this kind of economic crisis." "I think that you're a visionary genius." "Well, I don't know about that." "I do, and I think you're a genius." " Genius might be a little much." " Are you correcting me?" "On my own show?" "You think I'm a child!" "That I'm a baby with a pacifier in my mouth!" "I have an opinion, it's important!" "I don't know how to pass an euphemism that talks to the committee of ****" " like the elbow patches." " No, I didn't mean to say..." "I got a degree from the streets of Melbourne, Australia." "So, help me God, I have a buckknife on my shoe I would split you up like a soft shell crab and wear your carcass like a raincoat." "Wear your carcass like a raincoat" "Do you have... anything to add?" "No, I don't." "Robin, please." "Just say something." "Anything." "Pretend no one's here, no one's watching." "Robin, talk to your brother." "Talk to Barry." "Please talk to your brother" "And say what you want to say" " Let's introduce the next guest's name." " Fine." "Roland S. Martin" "CNN political consultant" "Thank you, Barry and Robin." "I want to say that this is my favorite political forum on television." "That is, of course, next to the program I am currently hosting" "CNN's "No bias, no bull"." " Did you just plug your show..." " Don't." " on my show?" " Don't." "Did he just plug his show..." "What does this look like?" "An infomercial?" "What am I, the ShamWow guy?" "You know who I am?" "I sang a duet with Barbara Streisand!" "Did you know that I'm Australian?" "My middle name is Crompton." "I am Barry Gibb." "I will rip out your anus and double dutch, jump rope with them." "Double dutch Jump rope with your anus" "That's all the time we have." "We have been..." "Talking it up" "On the Barry Gibb Talk Show" "Talking about chest hair" "Talking about crazy cool medallions" "Talking it up" "On the Barry Gibb Talk Show" "Checking out politics" "In this crazy, crazy town..." "The GPS has discovered a cargo ship entering Kenyan waters." "Very good!" "Let's unpack our new shipment of weapons and render them in." "What is this?" "A plastic sword and a cap gun." "This was suppose to be AK and missile rifles and rocket launchers." " What has happened here?" " Perhaps it was a shipping error." "A shipping error?" "These are toys!" "We're pirates!" "Who has my weapons?" "Pirate of the Caribbean street performers, show starts in 5 minutes." "Thanks Dave, we're just unpacking our new weapons." "This doesn't feel right." "I guess they're trying to make the show edgier." "I love it." "They're really heavy for fake guns." "Gillian, stop complaining." "Now, bring it in, guys." "Let's have the best show ever." "Sir, slow down!" "According to our records, you did receive a shipment of weapons." "But this is what I'm trying to tell you." "They are pirates' weapons but they're wrong kind of weapons." " The wrong kind of weapons." " Stop it!" " They are for an important job!" " They're for a job." "No, a shipping credit will not fix anything!" "It won't fix anything." " It's not funny." " Happy Birthday to you..." " Oh my God, these are real guns!" " I told you they were heavy." "This is really bad." "You guys, is anybody else cold?" "Lance!" "Lie down, Lance." "You're gonna be okay." "I don't think that I am." "But it's okay, because for just one day we got to be real pirates." "And wasn't that always our dream?" "My dream is to be in the Little Mermaid Show." " Gillian!" " What?" "It's my dream." "We need to keep our cool." "That's right, run you fat bastards!" "Becky what has gotten into you?" "Don't pretend like you've never wanted to shoot at a tourist." "With their flip-flops, fanny packs and sunburns." "This is a good day." "A very good day!" "Here's a fast pass back to Hell, you churro-loving sons of bitches!" "Evan, I have a confession to make." "I think I shot Pluto." " Why would you do that?" " I panicked." "But those suits are thick, right?" "Thick enough to stop a bullet, right?" " What are we gonna do?" " I hope the manager doesn't see." "Very good show, very good energy." "Are you being sarcastic, Dave?" "I don't know, let me see." "You, guys... are supposed to act out scenes from one of our most popular movie franchises and instead you open fire on a crowd of families." "I think that might have been sarcastic." "I need Thursday off." "Allow us to board you or we will open fire!" "Why not?" "Because you have toy swords and guns." "I told you this wouldn't work!" "That is not helping." "SATURDAY NIGHT SUB Boogawanga, Batefer, So."