"MAN ON RADIO: ..." "looks good." "On the Northwest toll eastbound, traffic is moving nicely this morning from Meacham Road all the way down to River Road." "Westbound, there's now a 20-car backup at the Devon Avenue toll." "And on the northbound I-290 extension at Thorndale Avenue, we had a spinout there." "And that car was blocking the right-hand lane, and also blocking the lane that's coming off of the eastbound Thorndale Avenue entrance ramp, leading to the northbound I-290 extension." "This was causing a backup to Irving Park." "We have... (ALARM BLARING)" "Come on, chop, chop." "We got relatives invading this afternoon." "Ginny, Mike, Sara, Sam!" "Come on, everybody up." "(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)" "I think I have a fever." "You don't have a fever." "Shut your face." "Make me." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Dad, Mike hit me!" "You liar." "Mike, come on, pal." "We got a wedding tomorrow." "Try to cooperate, will you?" "Dad, I didn't hit her." "I'd like to very much and I probably will later, but give me a break." "You know my method." "I don't hit her when you're just clown the hall." "Pick on someone your own size." "Open this door." "Daddy, I'm the one getting married." "Not until tomorrow." "Come on, I've got a mouthful of toothpaste." "I happen to have a serious problem." "MIKE:" "Dad." "She got her period." "Should make for an interesting honeymoon, huh?" "Where are you learning that stuff?" "School." "Good." "Getting my money's worth." "MAN ON RADIO:" "They were fantastic." "Just great." "What a great crowd." "And it was so much fun..." "Chronologically, you're 16 today." "Physically, you're still 15." "(SIGHS)" "Hopeless." "Nope." "I look exactly the same as I have since summer." "Utterly forgettable." "No, I didn't expect to wake up transformed." "I just thought that turning 16 would be so major, that I'd wake up with an improved mental state that would show in my face." "All that shows is that I don't have any sort of a tan left." "I better get downstairs." "My family's probably pissed off I haven't let them wish me happy birthday yet." "All right." "I'll see you at school." "You need four inches of bod and a great birthday." " Where's my briefcase?" " MIKE:" "Where'd you leave it?" "Don't be a smart-ass." "Okay, I'll be a dumb-ass." "You already are." "Okay." "Okay, where's Sam?" "Where's my briefcase?" "Sam?" "Allow me, Brenda." "Hey, birth defect." "BRENDA:" "You missed breakfast again." "JIM:" "It wasn't my idea to give her her own phone line," "I don't have my own phone line." " SARA:" "Mike, lift or I'll punch you." " BRENDA:" "Grab a donut." " (CAR HONKING)" " You're totally infected." "It's small, it's brown, it's made of leather, it has my initials on it." "And I believe..." "That's it." "Don't forget the grandparents are coming this afternoon." "Are we still having dinner with the Rice Chex?" "Ryszczyks. 8:00 at the club." "Oh, and you better learn their names." "As of tomorrow, they're family." "That's a lovely thought." "When it comes your turn to get married, do me a favor." "Elope." "Who'd marry her?" "Mr. T." "I'm sorry, you'll have to buy lunch today." "I didn't have time to fix your carrots." "Yeah, well, she's only eating carrots to increase the size of her breasts." "BRENDA:" "Mister, you had better shape up, or you will miss your sister's wedding." "Promise?" "Now, don't give me that pouty look of yours." "You can eat your carrots when you get home." "That's it?" "You don't have anything else to say to me today?" "What would you like me to say, Sam?" "Come on now, honey." "You're gonna miss the bus." "Have a good day." "I can't believe this." "They fucking forgot my birthday." "RANDY:" "I'm sure they didn't forget your birthday." "They just didn't remember it right away." "Same difference." "I know it's a drag that your Sweet 16's the day before Ginny gets married, but big deal." " They'll remember." " Oh, easy for you to say." "Did anyone ever forget your birthday?" "Come on, Sam." "Everything's just getting shittier." "My family forgetting my birthday just makes it more vivid." "What do you expect, a breakfast birthday party?" "No, but they could have at least said "Happy birthday."" "I mean, it was just like any other day." "Why don't you remind them?" "They'll feel some massive guilt." "It could be highly profitable." "I wouldn't stoop to remind them." "Since I was about 12, I've been looking forward to my Sweet 16." "You know, a big party and a band," " with tons of people." " Tons of people." "And a big Trans Am in the driveway with a ribbon around it." "And some incredibly gorgeous guy that you meet, like, in France." "And you do it on a cloud without getting pregnant or herpes." "I don't need the cloud." "Just a pink Trans Am and the guy, right?" " A black one." " A black guy?" "A black Trans Am." "A pink guy." "(BELL RINGING)" "Oh, no." "You swear to God, you don't have it?" "I don't know anything about it." "Jennifer Woods gave me a sex test during Child Development, and I was supposed to do it and pass it to you in Independent Study." "I'm totally screwed." "Did you put your name on it?" "Hi." "No, but it was really embarrassing." "I had to name who I'd do it with if I ever did it." "Who'd you name?" " Jake Ryan." " Jake Ryan?" "He doesn't even know you exist." "Thank you." "That's a very nice thing to say." "I'm sorry." "But Jake Ryan?" "He's a senior, and he's taken." "I mean, really taken." "I know." "It was supposed to be my ideal." "He's ideal, for sure, but forget it." "God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it." "I'd shit twice and die." "Do you know Samantha Baker?" "Sophomore, right?" "Yeah." "What do you think of her?" "I don't." "Would you ever go out with her?" "Depends on how much you paid me." "She's not ugly." "There's nothing there, man." "It's not ugly, it's just void." "You know what I mean?" "There's something about her." "I do Independent Study with her." "I catch her looking at me a lot." "It's kind of cool, the way she's always looking at me." "Maybe she's retarded." "I'm being serious, okay?" "She looks at me like she's in love with me." "Jake, she's a child." "So?" "So what are you gonna do with her?" "She's obviously too young to party serious." "Maybe I'm interested in more than a party." "Come on, Jake." "You talk like you're hard up." "You got Caroline." "Now she's a woman." "It's unbelievable." "I swear to God, Caroline Mulford had to flunk about nine grades." "RANDY:" "Truly makes me ill." "She's perfect." "Practically impossible to cut up." "She's supposedly real sweet." "Brother's deaf, and everybody in the world worships her." "And she's going with Jake." "Oh, I'm gonna kill myself." "My man." "(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING OFF KEY)" "I loathe the bus." "(MUSIC STOPS)" "There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation." "I hope you get a car for your birthday and a license." "(SCOFFS) Let's not hold our breath." "(TOY GUNS FIRING)" "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "BOTH:" "Score." "A direct hit." "BOTH:" "On second thought." "(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING OFF KEY)" "DRIVER:" "Move it." " Call me, okay?" " You call me first." "Tell me what happened at home." "I can tell you right now." "Nothing." "Would you quit feeling sorry for yourself?" "It's bad for your complexion." "(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)" "How's it going?" "How's what going?" "You know, things, life, whatnot." "Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business." "So you going to the New Faces dance tonight or..." "That's also none of your business." "(SNIFFING)" "Are you inhibited about dancing in public?" "I mean, you don't have to dance." "I mean, you could just stand there with me and my dudes and just be you, and..." "Sounds major." "So, I mean, what's the story?" "I mean, you got a guy, or..." "Yes, three big ones, and they lust for wimp blood, so quit bugging me, or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass." "You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile." " I mean, it's just..." " Go to hell." "Very hostile." "Come on, what's the problem here?" "I'm a boy, you're a girl." "Is there anything wrong with me trying to put together some kind of relationship between us?" "Okay, look, I know you have to go." "Just answer me one question." "Yes, you're a total fag." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "That's not the question." "Am I turning you on?" "(SIGHING)" "It's encouraging." " Very encouraging." " Yeah..." "You know, a girl with a hat is just so vogue." "Yeah." "(TWILIGHT ZONE THEME PLAYING)" "Where are my blue socks, Dorothy?" "DOROTHY:" "You mean to tell me you didn't pack them?" "Oh, not again, Howard." "Can't I trust you to do anything?" "Do you expect me to do all the packing?" "Well, at least I brought this for you." "It..." "Sam." "Samantha." " Look." " Oh, look." " Hi." " Hi." "Oh, God." "(CHUCKLING)" "Oh, sweetheart." "My goodness, are you a sight for sore eyes." "Oh, good." "Just look." " How are you, my little lamb chop?" " Hello." "I'm fine, Grandpa." " Fine." " How are you guys?" "Oh, we're pretty good." "Of course, I get the lower back pain" " every once in a while." " Oh, my corns are killing me." " And arthritis in my fingers." " I still have those headaches." " Bothers me quite a bit." " But I brought the ice bag..." "So are you..." "You're sleeping up here?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Your grandfather Fred jumped our claim on Sara's room." "So here we are." "We gotta sleep up here." "Well, I haven't seen you guys in a while." "Do I look any older today?" "Oh, no, no, I wouldn't say so." "Do you think so, darling?" "DOROTHY:" "No." "Oh, I hope it isn't cold tomorrow." "You know Ginny." " It's not gonna be cold..." " She'll refuse to wear a hat and coat" " Well, if she does, you mustn't bug her - over her wedding dress." " because if a girl does not..." " I'm not gonna bug her..." "I'm gonna go set myself up in Mike's room." "So I'll see you guys later." " Okay, sweetheart." " Oh, look, there she goes." "Grandpa and I are looking forward to a nice, long, long visit with you." "Aces." "We certainly are." "We're looking forward..." "See you a little later, darling." "We've got a lot to..." "I swear to God, this has got to be a joke." "Grandparents forgetting a birthday?" "They live for that shit." "(TOILET FLUSHING)" "(SINGING) ...with my arms around you" "Well, well, if it isn't" "Sammy Baker Davis Jr." "Hi, Grandpa." "Oh, I've got one for you." " Knock, knock." " Who's there?" " Who." " Who, who?" "Helen, we've got an owl out here in the hall." "Fred, Fred, leave her alone." " You'll make her tinkle." " Oh, come on, Helen." "Oh, Sam, let me look at you." "Fred, she's gotten her boobies." "FRED:" "I'd better go get my magnifying glass." "Oh, and they are so perky." "I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up." "(GONG SOUNDING)" "What's happening, hot stuff?" "His name is Long Duk Dong." "What?" "Long Duk Dong." "He came down with Grandma and Grandpa Baker." "He's an exchange student that's living with them." "Yeah, well, he's totally bizarre." "He is not." "He is a very sweet boy." "I just hope you burn the sheets and mattresses after he leaves." "I don't suppose it makes any difference to you, but there's a very weird Chinese guy up in Mike's room." "Ginny dumped Rudy and he's her new fiancé." "BRENDA:" "Mike, stop it." "Sam, honey, do you think you could help the grandmothers with supper?" "Dad and I have to go to the club for dinner with the Rice Chex." "Ryszczyks." "Do you think that there's any reason that I should possibly stay home tonight?" "Well, I think it might be nice if you'd visit with your grandparents and Long Duk Dong." "Who?" "The weird Chinese guy in Mike's room." "I think I have a dance to go to." "Well, that's okay." "Oh, can you remember to turn off the stove in 20 minutes?" "I can remember lots of things." "This is the single worst day of my entire life." "What the hell are you bitching about?" "I gotta sleep under some Chinaman named after a duck's dork." "Well, where am I sleeping?" "Sofa City, sweetheart." "Do you think Grandpa Fred's going to embarrass me?" "I don't know why not." "He does it to everyone else." "He already asked me if Rudy was the oily variety bohunk." "Is he?" "Don't be cute." "I really love Rudy." "And he is totally enamored of me." "I mean, I've had men who've loved me before, but not for six months in a row." "I think I'm in love." "So how long have you been in love?" "Well, it hasn't really happened yet." "So what's the deal?" "I'm not sure that he knows I exist." "Sam, I really don't have time for this." "Well, I'm sorry." "I always listen to you talk about your boyfriends." "Darling, is something bothering you?" "You're really acting like an asshole." "And I think I know what it is." "I think you're jealous that I'm getting married and that I'm getting all the attention." "You know, everybody in this family has just gone totally Outer Limits." "No, Sam." "I think you're just being a little selfish and immature." "Oh, yes." "That's it." "That's exactly it." "Unbelievable." "You make someone a bridesmaid, and they shit all over you." "(GONG SOUNDING)" "Very clever dinner." "Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie." "It's a quiche." "How do you spell?" "Well, you don't spell it, son, you eat it." "Dong has only been in our country a short time, Fred." "I think we could all help him assimilate." "DOROTHY:" "Long Duk Dong is about your age, Sam." "You two should have a lot to chat about." "I love visiting with Grandma and Grandpa and writing letters to parents and pushing lawn-mowing machine so Grandpa's hyena don't get disturbed." "Hernia." "Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeedy." "He does the dishes and helps with the laundry, you betcha." "May I be excused?" "Where are you going?" "I have a dance to go to at school." "It's a very important dance." "We're being graded on it for gym." "Wait a minute." "I have a wonderful idea." "Would you like to go to the dance with Sam?" "(GONG SOUNDING)" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)" "I wonder if Jake's here." "I don't think it's too healthy to get all jacked up about some guy that isn't even a thing yet." "Yeah, when you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose, right?" "That's a cheerful thought." "Let's go make ourselves available." "That's the one, dude." "Scope it out." "She doesn't look like a freshman." "Sophomore, dude." "Sophomore." "Fully-aged sophomore meat." "We do the bus together." "You talk to her?" " Talk?" "Dude, I have a relationship with her." " Get off." "Figured to, like, 17 digits." "You are such a liar." "We'll see about that, my man." "By night's end, I predict me and her will interface." "(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)" "Check it out, Wease." "Pretty intense, huh?" "Over." "Wacks to the max." "Over." "All right." "I knew you'd come around." "Christ." "Crank that, sister." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Very hot." "Very hot." "Tonight, tonight is happening." "I'm blowing your mind, aren't I?" "I'm just getting warmed up." "(FARTS)" "Excuse me." "Way to go, dick-face." "She took off." "Don't spaz out, okay, Wease?" "The situation will come online." "Yeah?" "I'll bet you a dozen floppy disks you don't even get tit." "You got a bet, scumbag." "I'll get it all." "Take off." "You wouldn't even be able to prove it, anyway." "A, don't hit me." "Secondly, what kind of proof do you want?" " Video." " Video." "No way, okay?" "I can just see the thing getting duped a thousand times and, like, winding up on cable somewhere." "Try again." " Underpants." " Underpants." "No prob, butt-lick." "BOTH:" "Girls' underpants." "So, what's your name?" "Dong." "What's your first name?" "Long." "What's your middle name?" "Duk." "I bet all the boys chase you plenty in the school, huh?" "Nobody's caught me yet." "I betcha you big teaser, huh?" "No." "I run the 40 in five flat." "Flat?" "Hey." "I'm really sorry, man." "Whatever I did was an..." "I mean, I didn't mean to..." "Relax." "You were dancing with a girl?" "Oh, man, I'm really, I'm really sorry, man." "I must've been on drugs five minutes ago." " I didn't even know what I was doing." " Do you know her?" "She grabbed me, guy." "I'm totally innocent." "Is she yours?" "What do you know about her?" "She has smallish tits, decent voice." "Smells pretty good." "She drives me crazy." "Did she come here with you?" "No, no." "But if it's okay with my dad, she's going home with me." "Excuse me." "(GIRLS CHATTERING)" " Do you guys want to blow off this dance?" " Yes." "I am bored to the brink of insanity." "And go where?" "Jake's parents aren't home, we could do his house." "How's it going?" "Fine." "We'd have to party light, though," "Jake's too paranoid about his parents' house getting trashed." "ROBIN:" "Again?" "Okay." "All right." "Just trying to get a little bit of water." "Yeah." "Yes, I'm back." "So I smell." "It's from my shaving cream." "You wanna feel a real clean, close shave?" "I'll pass." "Couldn't find anyone else to bug, huh?" "Come on." "You know you're the one I want to bug, huh?" "This is my friend, Randy." "And that's Jimmy Montrose." " Howdy, dude." " This is Farmer Fred." " Ted." " Oh, I'm sorry." "This is Farmer Ted." "I'm not really a farmer." "I'm a freshman." "Geek, can I be honest with you?" "Not if you're gonna insult me." "Okay." " Shoot." " Get the hell out of here." "Nice, nice manners, babe." "She's totally serious, ass-wipe." "Chill." "You wanna split with me?" "I..." " I don't know, you know." " I can't handle this." "My mom always tells me," ""if you want something, you gotta ask for it," you know?" "I mean, I'm not the kind of guy..." "It's embarrassing for me." "I don't know." "I just..." "It's just..." "I'm really sorry about what happened in the gym." "I had no idea you couldn't dance." "(CRASHING)" "What a decent night, huh?" "It's my birthday." "(HUMMING)" "(SINGING) You say it's your birthday" "It's my birthday, too" "Don't do that, okay?" "Hey, Jude" "Just stop it, okay?" "I mean, it's really been a shitty birthday for me." "No offense, but I don't need a serenade right how." "What's wrong?" "You didn't get anything good, or..." "I didn't get shit." "Not even, "Happy birthday."" "My whole family just sort of blew it off." "I'd freak if my family forgot my birthday." "It's a brand-new year." "I'm 16." "Everything should be platinum." "I should be happy, right?" " Right?" " Yeah." "Well, I can't get happy." "It is physically impossible for me to get happy." "Would you feel better if you knew one of my secrets, or..." "Don't gross me out." "No, we're not talking gross here." "No, it's just..." "It's just embarrassing." "This information cannot leave this room, okay?" "It would devastate my reputation as a dude." "No problem." "I've never bagged a babe." "I'm not a stud." "I got the rep in sixth grade." "And it, like, I don't know, it stuck with me." "I'm still on hold." "Look, I'd appreciate you not laughing, okay?" "I'm sorry." "That's not what I meant." "I meant..." " (HORN BLARING)" " Hey, time out, junior." "Pardon me." "It's okay." "I meant that it's okay that you did it once, but I didn't mean for you to do it again." "I'm sorry." "Sorry." "You know, just now, I really felt how much you like me." "You're probably zoning in on my brain waves or something." "Well, not really, I felt it on my leg." "Come on." "I don't want to see it!" "Sorry if I embarrassed you." "I'm not embarrassed." "Fresh breath's a priority in my life." "You know, I really don't want to hurt your feelings, 'cause it's really human of you to listen to all my bullshit." "I care about it, really." "I mean..." "I know I came on kind of like a poozer on the bus tonight and everything, but that's just so my friends won't think, you Know, I'm a jerk." "But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?" "Yeah, but the thing is, I'm kind of like the leader, you know." "Kind of like the king of the dipshits." "Well, that's pretty cool." "Hey, but a lot can happen over a year." "I mean, you could come back next fall as a completely normal person." " Yeah?" " Sure." "Would it be totally off the wall if... if I asked if I could have sex with you?" "Yeah, well, you asking me is not as off the wall as why I won't." " VD?" " No." "I'm sort of saving myself." "It's really stupid." "He doesn't even know I exist." "Who?" "Who?" "Jake Ryan." "You like Jake?" "Jake's my boy." "I just talked to Jake in the gym." " He asked me about you." " Did not." "He did, too." "He did." "He asked me what you were like." "Oh, my..." "Oh." "If you're lying, I'll beat the crap out of you." "I'm not lying." "Oh, my God, what should I do?" "Should I go up to him?" "Should I say, "Hi, Jake, I'm Samantha?"" "Or, no, maybe I should let him come to me." "This is not my department." "But what if I decide to let him come to me, and then he forgets?" "Or then what if he changes his mind?" "And then I'm totally screwed, right?" "Apparently so." "What would you do if you were me?" "I'm a gambling man by nature." "And I'd go for it." "This is so strange." "But I think I will." "Oh, you're the best." " Wait..." " What?" "Do you know anything about floppy disks?" " We'll talk about this on the bus, okay?" " Well, no." "See, the thing is, I got kind of a problem." "Well, floppy disks are pretty expensive and, see, the thing is, I made a bet with my friends, the dipshits." "I bet them that I'd do it with you." "But this was before I knew you as a person." "I can get proof without actually getting physical." "How?" "Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?" "(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)" "I think it's time to blow this thing off and go to your house." " Yeah?" " I told Tracy and Robin and those guys to come to your parents' house, okay?" "I told them not to tell anybody." "God, I love it when your parents are out of town," "I fantasize that I'm your wife, and we're, like, the richest, most popular adults in town." "I owe all my great weekends to you." "What's your problem?" "What?" "You've been acting weird all night." "Are you screwing around?" "Me?" "Are you crazy?" "I don't know, Jake." "I'm getting strange signals." "Well, they're not coming from me." "Look, everything's fine." "Don't have a cow." "Okay." "But just remember one thing." "I can name 20 guys who'd kill to love me." "Is that a threat?" "It's a fact, Jake." "Come on." "Before we get in a big, wicked fight, let's get out of here, huh?" "Hi, Jake." "I'm Samantha." "How's it going?" "Do you got a cigarette?" "Jake, this may sound incredibly dumb, but I love you, and I'll do anything to make you love me." "I love your shirt." "Jake, you're not gonna believe this, but I had this very bizarre dream, and you were in it." "MAN:" "For heaven's sake." "Get in there and dance." " BOY:" "I can't." "They won't like me." " I'm not gonna tell you again." "Just act like a man." "BOY:" "I wanna go home." "I wanna be with you guys." "I can't believe I'm such a jerk." "He smiles at me and I don't say anything." "And I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek." "What year are you?" "Freshman." "Give me a buck." "Okay, get in." "(ALL CHATTERING)" "Shut up." "Bryce?" "Ted, go for it." "(DRUM ROLL)" "(ALL GASPING)" "Hey, listen." "I wanna thank you for loaning me the Donger." "He's really bitching." "That's okay." "You guys make a great couple." "I've never been so happy in my whole life." "You maniac." "Now I have a place to put my hand." "So basically, Jimmy, my business is video game arcades, laundry, cigarette machines and trucking." "I dabble a little bit in personal loans and politics." "Very nice." "I think that all that really matters is that the kids are happy together." "Just as long as my beautiful boy remembers that marrying this one means he's out of the Girl-of-the-Month club." "Hey, wait a minute." "I can still look." "I just can't touch." "Right?" " Oh, sensitive, huh?" " Rudy." " Cheers." " Right on." "You do shots?" "Come on, wolf it." "Good night, Marlene." "See you later, Dong." "Sammy, tell Grandpa not to wait up." "Let's go boogie." "Sure." "Donger's here for five hours and he's got somebody." "I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)" "Everybody, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Jake." "Jake, this is everybody." "BOY:" "Take it off." "All right, whose is this?" "You're such a poop." "(LONG DUK EXCLAIMING)" "(CRASHING)" "(BARKING)" "GIRL:" "Oh, Tony!" "(PAGER BEEPING)" "Shit, Ted, that's my mom." "I gotta get home." "TED:" "Change your frequency, okay?" "Don't be such a wimp." "Take those ridiculous things off, okay?" "Will you guys grow up?" "Ted, won't we get pounded if we go to a senior party?" "Wease, we got $70, and we got a pair of girl's underpants." "We're safe as kittens." "Okay?" "This is a great social opportunity for us." "Come on." "Do not embarrass me, okay?" "For sure, we won't." " Will you fix your hair, Bryce?" " I already did." "Wease, close your barn, all right?" " And be polite to his parents, all right?" " Okay, okay." "(GONG SOUNDING)" "Hey, come on in and party hearty, dude persons." "He's from out of town, okay?" "He speaks English, right?" " Don't be such faggots." " Man, shut up." "Kidding." "Sorry." " Think we're gonna die?" " Definitely." "(PHONE RINGING)" "We put the cat out?" "We don't have a cat." "Come on, damn it." "Answer." "Oh, eat me." "Who is it?" "Well, what did they want?" "Sex." "Geek!" "Very nice." "We're here five minutes and then..." "I'm at a loss." "Real smooth, Cliff." "(GRUNTING)" "I've never been out with a boy before." "Oh, me, neither." "(PHONE RINGING)" "CAROLINE:" "Jake?" "Where are you, Jake?" "Jakey, have you stopped loving me?" "Leave me alone." "What?" "I'm sorry, I don't do that." " Yes, you do." " I know." " Come on." " CAROLINE:" "Trace." "You guys." "Would you please help me, please?" "Oh, shit." "Come on, you guys." "I'm your prom queen." "Trace, you guys, I'm serious." "Come on." "I need help." " Okay." " Oh, I broke those pearls!" "What is the problem?" "Several things." "Okay." "We'll help you." "Don't go away, Caroline, baby." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Listen, I know you're there." "I can hear you breathing." "Yes, hello, sir..." "Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?" "Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there?" "And if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?" "Yes, it is." "And no, you may not." "Might I leave a message, sir?" "He wants to leave a message for Sam." "Here, give me that phone." "Now, you listen to me, mister." "God did not put me on this earth to be awakened by filthy suggestions from a foul-mouthed hooligan like you." "And as for our granddaughter, I'm sure she has more than enough sense to stay clear of the likes of you." "Now, good night and good-bye!" "That was great." " Sam's lucky she has us, Howard." " Yeah." "Even if she doesn't appreciate us." "Do you promise you won't get mad?" "No, I love you." "Okay, close your eyes." " Scalpel." " Scalpel." "My God." "ROBIN:" "That was wonderful, Trace!" "I'm so proud of you." "I don't know how to thank you enough." "My pleasure." "My God." "Wow." " GIRL:" "I hope they have insurance." " GIRL 2:" "The party's over." "(DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYING)" "Son of a bitch." "What a disaster." "(TED PANTING)" "Jake!" "JIM:" "Sam." "Sweetheart?" " Daddy?" " Hi, kiddo." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Everything's fine." "I was just upstairs and I couldn't sleep." "I feel like a real jerk, honey." "We forgot your birthday." "I bet you're really POed, huh?" "No, it's okay." "I'm not really all that upset anymore." "This wedding is really turning this entire house inside out." "And I just came down to tell you that we did remember." "Thanks, Dad." "Happy birthday" "ls something else wrong?" "No, why?" "I don't know, I just get the feeling that something's bothering you." "Something other than your birthday." "No, I'm fine." "Really." "I think I know what it is." "It has to do with a certain guy?" "(SIGHS)" "I know, honey, I know." "We're all upset that Ginny's marrying a bohunk." "What's the matter?" "I meant Jake." "Jake?" "Wait a minute." "I thought she said his name was Rudy." "Forget it." "Forget what?" "Who's Jake?" "He's a boy, Daddy." "It's nothing." "Okay?" "Just forget it, please?" "Come on, Sam, we're not communicating." "It's extremely embarrassing, okay?" "What's embarrassing?" "Sitting in the dark with your dad, telling him about your love life." "I'm afraid you lost me again, Sam." "Jake is a senior, and he's beautiful and perfect." "I like him a real lot, and he doesn't like me." "Okay?" "Oh." "And he's got this incredible girlfriend." "I'm just this ridiculous dork that's following him around like a puppy." "Why do you think you're a dork?" "I don't think you're a dork." "I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork." "Mike thinks I'm a dork." "Mike is a dork." "Well, so am I." "Well, if it's any consolation, I love you." "And if this guy can't see in you all the beautiful and wonderful things that I see, then he's got the problem." "I know." "It just hurts." "That's why they call them crushes." "If they were easy, they'd call them something else." "Yeah, but if I were Ginny, I'd have this guy crawling on his knees." "Well, let me tell you something about Ginny." "Now, I love her as much as I love you." "But she's a different person." "Sometimes I worry about her." "You know, when you're given things kind of easily, you don't always appreciate them." "With you, I'm not worried." "When it happens to you, Samantha, it'll be forever." "Well, I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I don't feel this little talk has helped you." "So would you be a sport and lie to me?" "Yeah, sure, Daddy." " Good night, sweetheart." " Good night." "Oh, one more thing, sweetheart." "What?" "When you do find the right guy, don't let him boss you around." "Make sure he knows you wear the pants in the family." "These are really hers?" "Yeah." "How did you get them?" "She gave them to me." "Did you..." "No." "No, Jake, she's crying for you." "I told her you asked about her, right?" "The girl freaked." "She had a hissy." "She thinks you're the cat's meow." " Really?" " Yeah." "She came up to me in the gym tonight." "She looked at me like I was a leper." "Girls will do that, Jake, you know?" "You see, they know guys are, like, in perpetual heat, right?" "They know this shit." "And they enjoy pumping us up." "It's pure power politics, I'm telling you." "I thought she hated my guts." "Games, Jake." "Silly, torturous games." "You know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money?" "You know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind." "Because I'm too torqued up to say no." "It's heinous, I'm telling you." "You better not be dicking me around." "It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out she really does think I'm a slime." "Jake, would I dick you?" "Let me put it to you this way." "What happens to me if I dick you?" "I'd kick your ass." "Right." "So why would I lie?" "But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake," "I mean, if all you want off the girl is a piece of ass, I mean," "I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me to kick your ass." "I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me." "I can get a piece of ass any time I want." "Shit, I got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold." "I could violate her 10 different ways if I wanted to." "What are you waiting for?" "I don't know." "She's beautiful and she's built and all that." "I'm just not interested anymore." "Does that really matter, guy?" "Yeah, it matters." "She's totally insensitive." "Look what she did to my house." "She doesn't know shit about love." "Only thing she cares about is partying." "I want a serious girlfriend." "Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back." "Is that psycho?" "That's beautiful, Jake." "You know, I think a ton of guys feel the same way as you do." " Really?" " Yeah." "It's just they don't..." "They don't have the balls to admit it." "You know what I mean?" "I mean, they're just..." "They're wimps." "Samantha's..." "She's really special, you know?" "I'll make a deal with you." "You let me keep these," "I'll let you take Caroline home." "But you gotta make sure she gets home." "You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere." "Okay?" "Jake, I'm only a freshman." "So?" "She's so blitzed, she won't know the difference." "Jake, I don't have a car." "You can take mine." "Jake, I don't have a license." "I trust you." "Jake, I'd love to." "I can't." "Want a pretzel?" " You sure?" " Positive." " I got her." " You got her?" "Yeah." "This is your car, Jake?" "No, this is my dad's car." "You said you couldn't drive a stick." "This is a..." "This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake." " So?" " So?" "So?" "I heard the grill alone costs five grand on this." "Five grand." "Do you have five grand?" "I don't have five grand." " Then don't hit anything." " Don't hit anything." "Do you want to do this or not?" "No." "Who the hell?" "Who does he..." "Who's he?" "That's me." "Who are you?" "I'm him." "Okay." " She's totally gone." "Have fun." " Thanks." "Jake, is your dad a big man, or..." "About 6'4"." "Very nice." "Ho." "Ho." "Easy." "Easy." "(LONG DUK LAUGHING)" "Oh, sexy girlfriend." "Banzai!" "Think they liked us?" "Definitely." "Go, darling geek." "TED:" "Could we turn that music down a little bit?" "I'm a first-time driver." "I really need to concentrate." "Excuse me." "Stop that." "Looks like rain." "Better put the top up." "Will you stop that?" "You can get us in a lot of trouble doing that." "This is a car." "He probably doesn't even got Triple A on it or anything." "Chug-a-lug, Pooh Bear." "I can't believe you're so popular, acting like this." "(CAR PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Oh, I don't know." "I'll have to look." "Mr. Ryan, are you in here?" "He's not." "Mr. Ryan's not in right now." "Where are you?" "My Christmas present to you." " Thank you." " No." "Really." "Serious." "See?" "See?" "Thank you." "Now we're both on the pill." "You gave me a birth control pill?" "Do you have any idea what that'll do to a guy my age?" "I know exactly what it'll do to a girl my age." "First time in a car, and then this shit." "It makes it okay to be really super careless." "Wait, wait." "Look, we're not going any further until you stop these childish antics, Caroline." "Don't be such a poop." "On second thought." "CAROLINE:" "I love you." "This is getting good." "(CLATTERING)" "Ted, what the hell are you doing?" "Are those humongous jocks back?" "Cliff, do you have any film in your camera?" "What?" "Take those ridiculous things off." " Do you have any film in your camera?" " Sure." "Okay." "You guys, go get it and bring it outside, okay?" " Right out front." " What for?" "Look, just get it and come on out front, okay?" " UFO?" " It's better." " Extraterrestrial?" " It's better." "All right?" "Just get it and come on outside." "BOTH:" "Female extraterrestrial?" "It's better, now..." "Better than female extraterrestrial?" "How do you tell if it's a female?" "'Cause it's got tits." "Well, what makes them different than regular tits?" "They got four." "Just get the camera." "It's in the closet." "No, don't go in the closet." "(CRASHING)" "They're such assholes." "I can't believe it." " CLIFF: ...photography." " BRYCE:" "Well, it's not my fault," " you should check that out." " Why do you always have to argue?" " I'm not arguing." " Yes, you are." " I am not." " Yes, you are." " I am not." " Every time I try to do something," " it's always bitch, bitch, bitch." " Bitch is a female dog." "Okay?" "Not even." "What's that supposed to mean?" " Shit." " Shoot." "Ted, that's a Rolls-Royce." "Ted, that's the prom queen." "You got two girls in one night." " I told you dudes I was hot." " Hot?" "Ted, you're a legend." "Will you shut up?" "People around here work, all right?" "Now, will you hurry it up?" "I'm breaking, like, 30 major laws here." " Come on." " You know, Ted, nobody's gonna believe you." "No way." "That, my friends, is what the pictures are for." "Okay?" "Just get that thing there." " All right, you guys ready?" " Wait, hold on." "Just put it down just a bit." "You guys know what you're doing here, or what?" "All right, just a minute." " How does this look?" " Very nice." "Wait a minute, you know, black-and-white, it would just capture the moment so nicely." "Wouldn't it?" "Will you take the picture already?" "You're pissing me off, I'm telling you." " Smile, pumpkin." " What?" "Oh." "Pictures." "Cheers." "Marlene, no." "Marlene, no." "Chill out, boy." "Mike, honey, go get dressed." "I can't believe it." "Ginny's not in the shower." "I wouldn't go in there if I were you." "Grandpa Fred was in there for a half an hour." " It's totally polluted." " Get dressed." "It's your nose." "They never listen." "What was he wearing?" "Well, he would have..." "He was wearing a red argyle sweater and tan trousers." "And red shoes." "No, he's not retarded." "Now, what can I do to help?" "Well, you could finish the French toast." "Good." "I'll just open the donuts." "Good thinking." "Don't wanna lose the nails." "I'll just wait till I hear from you, then." "Voilà." "Breakfast is ready." "Oh, Sam." "Sam, I am so sorry about your birthday." "It's okay." "I'll recover." "It's important to you." "And yesterday morning, you were trying to tell me." "It's okay, Mom." "These things sometimes happen." "Oh." "Honey, I just feel miserable." "You'll feel better." "Who died?" "Is there something you want to say to your sister?" "What?" "Are you kidding?" "Where should I start?" "I mean about her birthday." "It was yesterday." "We all forgot." "Classic." "Deep down, he's really sorry." " No, he's not." " No, he's not." "I have to go to this wedding and look like Miss Pretty Princess in this dipshit's bridesmaid's dress." "I don't even have one-tenth of the bod to fill the stupid bust up." "So what?" "Should I just waste myself and spare the agony?" "I was gonna tell you something, but maybe I shouldn't." "It's pretty bad." "You may as well." "Nothing could shock me anymore." "Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear." "(SCREAMING)" "I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish." "Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie." "Sam, you're dragging your dress, honey." "Pick it up." "Come on, Ginny." "Hurry up, sweetie." "SARA:" "Why is she so slow?" "BRENDA:" "Do not fuss at your sister." "It's her wedding day." "SARA:" "Big deal." "All right, is everybody in?" "Oh, dear." "Are you all right, Ginny?" "Come on, everybody." "Get in the car, please." "We're late already." "Helen, will you get in the car?" "I don't know what they're fussing about." "Helen, get in the car." "FRED:" "Hey, Howard, there's your Chinaman." " HOWARD:" "Oh, thanks, Fred." " Bye, Dong." "What the..." "What's he doing on the ground there?" "What's happened to him?" "What's happened?" "Hold a mirror in front of his mouth." "Howard." "He's dead!" "Oh, shit." "I pay seven grand for a wedding, I'll never see it." "Oh, watch your language, Mr. Dirty Mouth." " Oh, thank God, he is still warm." " Oh, good." " Here, help me roll him over." " I'll help you." " Gross." " Canine cologne." "Oh, no more yankie my wankie." "The Donger need food." "Hell, he's three sheets to the wind." "He's drunk as a skunk." "Oh, why don't you shut up, Fred." "Shut up." "Dong." "Dong." "Dong, Grandpa is talking to you." "Dong." "Where is my automobile?" "Automobile?" "(LONG DUK IMITATING CAR CRASHING)" "Lake." "Big lake." "Why, you little scuzzbag." "Oh, my. ls everything all right?" "I was afraid you'd had an accident." "I wish." "Her monthly bill came early." "Well, she's fine." "She just took a muscle relaxer." "Try four." " You didn't." " Mother." "Damn, Mom." "I've got my headgear on." "Will you wake up?" "Where the hell am I?" "I'll tell you where you are if you'll tell me who you are." "Farmer Ted." "You're in the parking lot across the street from my church." "You own a church?" "What happened?" "I have no idea." "Did I do that to your hair?" "At this point, anything is possible." "Did..." " Did we..." " Yeah." "I'm pretty sure." "Excuse me, but do you..." "Do you know if..." "Did I enjoy it?" "What, am I nuts?" "Of course I enjoyed it." "I mean..." "What I meant was, did you?" "You know, I have this weird feeling I did." "Here, Ginny." "Drink this." "Come on." "Here." "Wow." "Do I feel funky." "Okay." "I'm coming." "Hello?" "Geez, this place is so confusing." "Okay." "Go away." "I call FIB." "I call police." " Go away." " Open the door." " No way, Jose." " Open the door." "You beat up my face." "You grabbed my nuts." " Was that you?" " Yeah." "That me." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I thought you my new, new-style American girlfriend." "Forget it, man." "Just get Samantha, all right?" "She not here." "Don't jerk me around, man." "Where is she?" " She got married." " What?" "She at the church." "She getting married to oily bohunk." " Married?" " Married." " Married?" " Yeah." "Married." "Married?" "Married!" "Geez." "Are you gonna be all right, sweetie?" "It's gonna be a piece of cake, Bren." "Ginny, I'm really happy for you." "I'm sorry for being kind of a jerk lately." "That's really lovely, Sam." "I know you'll have a great marriage." "BRENDA:" "Ginny." " Holy shit." " She just had a cramp." "JIM:" "I don't care what she's got." "Look at her." "BRENDA:" "Will you please be quiet?" "We don't want to announce to everyone that she has her period." "I guess those guys who thought we had to get married feel pretty stupid right about now, huh, padre?" "Here comes the bride" "Big, fat and wide" "Love the teapot." "Could you move over?" " Are you okay?" "You all right?" " I gotta rest." " Come on." "Here we go." " What's the matter?" "Here comes the bride." "Here we go." "Okay." "Come on." "Sorry." "I got it." "I got it." "Hi." "I know you." "Can't see with this thing on." "I never went out with a freshman." "Not even when I was a freshman." "Me, either." "You were pretty crazy." " I was?" " Yeah." "But you know what I like best?" " My clean, close shave?" " No." "Waking up in your arms." "These things?" "Shit." "Jake." "Holy shit." " Stay here, okay?" " Oh, my God." "I'm dead." "(CAR PHONE RINGING)" " Hello?" " CLIFF:" "Ted." "You never called us back." "What happened?" "Look, Wease." "I told you not to call me here." "Ted, we're dying." "What happened?" "You wanna know what happened?" " Buy the book." " Ted." "I'm really sorry about getting you mixed up with that guy." "Oh, it's okay." "It wasn't too terrible." "Weird?" "I'm really sorry about last night." "The party." "Lots of things." "You know, neither one of us is gonna die if it doesn't happen for us." "That's true." "I just don't know right now." "But I'm covered, okay?" "I won't get hurt." "Sure." "I'll leave it up to you." "Fine." " WOMAN:" "Oh, my God." " Her veil." "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "Come on, honey." " Honey." " Let's go!" "Come on." "Here we go." "Get her in the back seat, Rudy." "Bon voyage!" " See you later." " Bye." " Good-bye." " So long, kids." "Oh, hi." "My sister forgot her veil." "I know she wouldn't want anything to happen to it." "She's..." "She's a little out of it." "Just a little bit." "Yeah." "Well, excuse me." "Everybody's waiting for me." "I wanna make sure I see my sister leave." "Good-bye." "Bye." "Oh, I need a drink." "Me?" "Yeah, you." " Hi." " Hi." " Hi." " Hi." "What are you doing here?" "I heard you were here." "You came here for me?" "Is that okay?" "Yeah, it's okay." "Do you have to go to the reception now?" "I'm supposed to." "Can I call you later?" "Sure." "I mean, no." "No, I can't call you later?" "Yeah." "No, I mean I'm not going to the reception." "Oh." "Great." "That's the boy!" "Thanks for getting my undies back." "Thanks for coming over." "Thanks for coming to get me." "Happy birthday, Samantha." "Make a wish." "It already came true."