"So, Patrick, this brings up a good question." "How does a pile of your boyfriend's clothes end up on fire?" "Oh, I know that one." "You catch him staring at your sister's ass." "I'm pretty sure that wasn't Patrick's problem, Lacey." "It's very simple." "My mother, God rest her soul, always said that the best way to get gum out of an angora sweater is with kerosene." "Lots and lots of kerosene." "Sure, and napalm gets out red wine." "So, what I'm hearing is you're upset with Scott so you lit his clothes on fire?" "Is that why they call you people flamers?" "I don't mean nothing." "I'm just trying to learn here." "Yes, yes, Ed." "The burning of the boyfriend's clothes has been a fabulous gay ritual since ancient times." "Way back to when my great great great great grandfather boned your..." "I don't know, dad, I guess." "That was a great quip." "I can't quip." "Anyway, to make a long story short, by boyfriend and I had a heart to heart and he agreed to put his clothes in the hamper from now on." "I think Scott and I living together is gonna work out fine." "Just fine." "I wish I could quip." "I sort of just try to think of something clever to say, then I just sort of ramble." "Then by the time I..." "Thank you, Nolan." "Unfortunately our time is up." "Oh, but wait." "I have another issue." "I think my mother's ghost is haunting my apartment." "Ugh, you're so lucky." "My mother's still alive." "Patrick, we'll talk about your ghost next time." "And, guys, guys, guys, I know I've said it 1,000 times, but if you're going to bring up the undead, try to do so at the beginning of the session." "Yeah, and we can have s'mores like around the campfire in the backyard." "'Cause of the ghost story." "Yes, nailed the quip." " Hey, Charlie." " Hi." "Lori will be here any minute." "This is a great business idea." "You're gonna love it." "Yeah, I read the brochure and I know you're hoping I was going to invest, but I'm not sure anyone needs a manicure on wheels." "Although the name Vanicures is terrible." "Charlie, women have nail emergencies." "Oh, no, I ruined my nail." "What am I going to do?" "I'm on my way to a big job interview." "Cool." "If you get it, can we drop the alimony?" "Shut up, I'm in the middle of a pitch." "Oh, yeah." "I'm gonna call Vanicures." "They come right to you and repair the nail so nobody knows you were this close to your life falling apart." "So what do you think?" "I think if your life is falling apart because of a broken nail, you need a mobile psych ward." "So you don't like it?" "Jen." "This is a terrible, terrible idea." "Hi." "Hi." " You must be Lori." " Yes." " I'm Charlie." "Come on in." " Thanks." "Jen was just telling me about your incredibly hot business idea." "Yeah, it's going really well." "I brought the prospectus for you to look over." "Don't need to." "I support this woman in everything she does." "Yeah, it's like a big open-handed slap of support." "You know, Lori, I've always said that a measure of a man is in how much he's willing to do for his ex." "Oh, well, Jen's lucky." "My ex can be a little difficult." "Nuts." "A total maniac." " A real whack job." " We get it." "I don't see what the problem is." "All I'm asking you to do is give me Lori's number, then make a call saying how great I am." " Absolutely not." " Okay." "Don't make a call saying how great I am." " Just give me her number." " Absolutely not." "Okay, okay." "Don't make a call saying how great I am, don't give me her number, just leave your phone on the table and go grab a snack." "I'm not setting you up with a business associate." "Besides, you wouldn't like her." "You only date empty-headed young girls." "That is a gross generalization." "The last girl you went out with was a boat show model who posted pictures of your junk on Twitter." "I'm so touched you recognize me after all these years." "But, Charlie, that's the kind of person you're attracted to." "I'm trying to change." "I'm trying to find someone more substantial." "Look, I want you to be happy." "Don't you want me to be happy?" "I'm gonna be real honest with you, Charlie." "I always want to be just a little bit happier than you." "Look, no matter what happens with Lori." "I promise you, as long as I have you in my life," "I'll always be a little more miserable than you." "Aw, Charlie." "That's so sweet." "I am sweet." "Help me share it." "Fine, I'll give her a call." "Thank you." "I won't screw up your business relationship." "If it doesn't go well with Lori, I promise I won't do doughnuts on her lawn and call her a slut like I did when you and I broke up in high school." "That was you?" "I was going with, like, three guys." "That's what "slut" was about." "And then last quarter, we doubled gross profits again." "We keep exceeding expectations." "And so do you." "I've got to tell you, I think I'm doing great here tonight." "I don't think I've ever been more charming." "Wow." "We've been here for four hours." "I thought it was going to be 30 minutes and then straight to the fake phone emergency." "I've used that." "What?" "10 years in the reserves and they're calling me up now?" "Jen was so wrong about you." "She told me you were shallow and you'd spend the whole night staring at my chest." "Why would she say that?" "Catch what I did there?" "Told a little joke and I got to stare at your chest." "I like how you just put it all out there." "I feel like you get to a certain point and why waste time on a bunch of BS, right?" "Good point." "Want to go back to my place?" "I'd love to." "But not on the first date." "We haven't even exchanged traumatic high school dating stories yet." " I got dumped at prom." " My boyfriend had a chain wallet." "You win." "Let's go back to my place." "I wish I could." "I have a meeting with my investors in the morning." "Yeah, I have an early group therapy I have to prepare for anyway." "Oh, that's right." "You're a therapist." "That must be fun." "It can be, but anything's fun if you like what you do." "Yeah, and what the hell?" "If people feel better when they leave, that's great." "Well, that's what therapy does." "I totally get it." "My uncle was a magician." "I'm free tomorrow night." "Call me." "A friggin' magician?" "Hey, Charlie." "Sam ready?" "I thought she was with you this week?" "She hasn't been here all week?" "I'll be right down, Mom." "I hate you." "Well, then here's your opportunity to get me back." " Did Lori call?" " Oh, yeah." "And?" "She said she had a great time and that you're funny." "What did you put in her drink?" "She have any attitude about my job?" "'Cause we had a great time, but at the very end she made a little crack about what I do for a living." "Oh, yeah, that." "She doesn't believe in therapy." "That's what I thought." "It's crazy, huh?" "Not really." "Lots of people don't believe in therapists." "Lots of people think they're just a bunch of big phonies who get paid to sit and listen to whiny people who don't have the guts to get off their asses and get their crap together." "Wow, how long have you been sitting on that?" "You look so beautiful, Lori." "The food, the conversation, it's all so perfect." "I just don't want this night to end." "To us." "You know, I thought having a Skype date was going to be creepy and weird." "But you know what?" "It really is." "I know." "I can't wait for you to get back." "I'm looking forward to having it creepy and weird with you in person." "Well, you are in luck." "As soon as I get back from Chicago," "I think our next date might have to include a toothbrush and pajamas." "I know you don't believe in therapy, but I think your healthy sexuality is a result of a close-knit family that provided a safe environment." "Whatever." "I just want to have sex with you." "Or that." "I got to go." "Fly safe." "I'll see you Wednesday?" "Can't wait." "Good night." "Okay, good night." "Are you late for some sort of business meeting in a swimming pool?" "In fact, no." "I just had a cyber date with Lori." "Right, right." "The entrepre-nutjob who doesn't believe in therapy." "You still chasing that rainbow?" "As a matter of fact, I am." "She's a very successful businesswoman, who happens to believe that my life's work is equal to sawing a woman in half." "Speaking of a lack of respect," "I read a great paper on humiliation this weekend and it gave me some great ideas." "No, no, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I can't." "I can't." "I've got to invoke the rules." "If one party is in proximity of a serious relationship, the other party must agree to suspend sexual relations." "Man, that has got to be the weirdest document ever signed in front of a notary." "Fine." "Play this thing out." "We'll have sex on Thursday." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Just because she doesn't believe in therapy doesn't mean this relationship can't work." "Fine." "We'll have sex on Friday... morning." "No, no, I'm going to prove to her that therapy is valid." "And then we can begin a healthy, emotional relationship." "Yes, and then we'll all hold hands and wish away hunger and war and meanness between people." "And then I'll see you for sex on Friday." "You know, we could all hold hands and wish away war and hunger anyway, you dark, cynical bitch." "Are you sure it's okay that I'm sitting in on one of your sessions?" "Well, it's not really a session today." "I invited a former patient to come talk to the group about how successful therapy's been for him." "Oh, I think it's very sweet that you care enough to try to convince me that you're not stealing from these people." "Well, I do." "Care, not steal." "And I think it's very sweet that you're pretending to be a person with an open mind." "Well, I am." "Pretending." "So basically I lost 20 years of my life to anger and self sabotage." "I lost my wife, my job, and our home." "But thanks to therapy and the tools that this guy taught me..." "I mean, I was able to rebuild my life." "I mean, it's a miracle." "Well, thank you, Rodney." "But let's not put me on the same level as God here." "Just a regular guy who does godlike things." " Charlie, is it okay if I ask something?" " Shoot." "I am really impressed, Rodney." "So you don't get angry at all anymore?" "No, everybody gets angry." "I mean, you know, life is full of challenges." "But with what I learned here in this group," "I'm able to manage my anger." "Did you learn anything about speeding up the process?" "Because it's costing me a small fortune to eat Bagel Bites and listening to that dot-head and this queer-doke call me a racist and a homophobe." "He never calls me anything." "Just so you know, I'm half Jewish." " What's the other half?" " French." "I'll work on something." "I have a question, too, Rodney." "At your lowest point, did you ever feel like you were being haunted by a ghost?" " Because I've..." " Well said, Patrick." "Don't we all have ghosts?" "So, Rodney, why don't you tell us about the new woman in your life?" "I'd rather not." "Uh-oh, sounds like trouble in paradise." "Hey, Frogstein?" "It's either that or Surrenderburg." "I'm still working on it." "Is the new girl leaving you, too?" "You know, I drove a long way to come out here and help you guys." "I would think that you might back off a little." "Okay, I want to thank Rodney for his time." "And I wish him..." "She cheated on me, all right?" "!" "They all do." "That's how they train them in hell." " I'm sure Rodney has somewhere to be right now." " No, no, no." "I can't check back into the shelter for another two hours." " I'm all yours." " What happened to your job?" "Nobody buys the paper anymore." "Were you, like, a paperboy on a bicycle?" "'Cause that's really funny." "I wrote the Jumble." "Why don't you tweet about that to all the other cheating little whores?" "!" "It's okay." "It's okay, Rodney." "Breathe." "Breathe." "Help me out, buddy." "I'm trying to impress a girl here." "You never think it's gonna be your brother." "You know?" "Then one day you walk in on them doing it on the table where you used to write your Jumble." "Punch the Bobo, Rodney." "Take out your anger on the Bobo." "No, I'm calming down." "I can feel it." "You son of a bitch!" "I gave you a kidney and you stole my wife!" "You stupid rekufc." "It's a Jumble." "Figure it out." " I'm gonna take off." " Okay." "Looks like you got your hands full here." "Call me later." "This is fun." "Uh, Bobo's dead." "I really thought me and Lori might have had something." "I'm sorry, Charlie." "Oh, look, it's Friday." "You said morning." "You were wrong." "I win." "I'm never gonna get it up tonight." "I told you this would happen." "My mom used to tell me a story about a fish and a duck who tried to fall in love but it wouldn't work because they were so different." "And their sexual organs wouldn't line up." "There's more to it." "I think a goose got involved." "But the point is clear." "It's not even about Lori anymore." "Maybe I am a magician." "Maybe therapy is just smoke and mirrors that won't hold up in the long run." " Come here." " I'm not in the mood." "I'm not going to touch you." "You've said that before." "Every time I get in that bed you touch me." "I promise I'm not going to touch you." "I just want to make you feel better." "Okay." "But if you make me feel better, then I'm going to want you to touch me." "Charlie, you picked a profession with lots of ups and downs." "And?" "That's all I got." "I'm gonna touch you now." "Hello?" "Patrick?" "Is it important?" "'Cause I'm kind of busy." "None of your business." "All right." "I'll be right there." "Where are you going?" "Patrick's having a crisis with his mother." "He says he's seen her angry ghost." "Well, I have a patient whose rabbit gives him stock tips, but you don't see me going out in the middle of the night." "That's just what I do." " You upset?" " No." "You just wrecked my plans to get you super horny and kick you out." "It's what us dark, cynical bitches do." "Thank God you came." "I didn't know who else to call." "My mother's ghost is really mad." "She keeps rattling that lamp over there and I don't know what she's angry about." "How do we know it's your mother?" "Does she actually speak or is we more of a traditional "Wooo" kind of ghost?" "She's more like a, "You're a disappointment." "I expected more" kind of ghost." "Is there anything that happened that she would be disappointed about?" "That woman would be disappointed in a rainbow." ""Stripes are very unflattering."" "I mean recently." "Well, she died." "Well, people have issues with that." "I don't know what it is." "She won't tell me." "Maybe she'll tell me." "Hello, Patrick's mom." "Don't say mom!" "She hated being called mom." "She said it was very inelegant to have children." "You ever think about bringing that up in therapy?" "It's kind of a big point." "Just call her Mona." "And whatever you do, don't tell her you love her." "I wasn't planning on it." " Hello, Mona." " Put on a British accent." "All her lovers were British." "I don't want to be her lover." "If you want her to answer, you just do it!" "Fine." "Hello, Mona." "What, do you work at the docks?" "Upscale British." "I'm not doing this." "Let's think about what's making her angry." "What were you doing right before she appeared?" "I had a fight with Scott." "Oh, my God." "Do you think this is about Scott?" "Why would Mona be angry about Scott?" "Well, maybe because she thinks he moved in too soon?" "Ask her if she wants me to tell him to move out." "Why are we asking Mona?" "Is that what you want?" "I don't know." "She always handled these things in my life." "Your mother handled your relationships?" "Doesn't everybody's?" "No." "Although, my mom tried to set me up with my second cousin once." "I had to draw a chart to show her why it was wrong." "But this isn't about me." "It sounds like you had a codependent relationship with your mother." "I don't know about codependent." "She did make my decisions for me and I was her only friend." "Patrick, you're obviously upset about Scott moving in and you're manifesting that through your mother's ghost." "I think you know what you have to do." "Adopt a baby to save the relationship." "No, you might want to think about living alone for a while and making your own decisions." "That's part of the reason you're passive-aggressive." "You've never made your own choices." "So you've always said what you really felt out of the side of your mouth." "So there's no Mona?" "No." "Then how do you explain that?" "It's right next to the vent and the air just kicked on." "Oh, I moved it there yesterday." "So I guess that's not my grandmother in the dishwasher either." "No." "I'll see you on Thursday." "You're a good therapist." "Thank you." "Would you call what I do almost like magic?" " Not really." " Good." "Bye, Mona." "Okay, now you're just making fun of me." "You got me there, matey." "Okay, now you're just a pirate." "Then I realized the whole Rodney thing was a disaster." "But the next day I had a great breakthrough with another one of my patients" " and I realized I can't prove to you..." " Charlie." "It doesn't matter." "I think it's really cute you tried, but you don't have to prove anything to me." "I can get past it if you can." "That's what I came here to tell you." "I don't care if I'm a fish and you're a duck." "I think if we work hard enough we can get our genitals to line up." "Okay, that was weird." "But I get it and I agree." "It's like the great Paula Abdul once said, opposites attract." "The great Paula Abdul?" "Wait, you don't like her?" "Oh, sure I do." "But I reserve the word great for people like Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa." "And Paula Abdul." "So totally open-minded here... the breakthrough you had with your patient, what was it?" "You're gonna think it's silly." "I saw a guy beat up a plastic man with a log." "Just tell me." "Okay." "He thought he had a ghost." "Really?" "So did he?" "Of course not." "Oh." "Because my aunt has one in her house and I've always wanted to meet him." " So you believe in ghosts?" " Yeah." " But not in therapy?" " No." "Okay, okay, okay." "You know what?" "I don't believe in ghosts, you don't believe in therapy," " but we can get past that, too." " We sure can." "I'm Aquarius." "I'm easy going." "So you believe in astrology?" "I don't make a move without it." " But you don't believe in therapy?" " No." "Okay, you know what?" "I don't care." "I like you, you like me." "Let's go back to my place." "I knew you'd ask." "I'm a little psychic." "Awesome." "So then you know what we're gonna do." "Yeah, I do." "And by the way, I don't believe in birth control." "Well, I made it to Saturday."