"I'm not sick, but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell." "I'll see you at the office." "Yep." "Everything all right?" "Yep, fine." "Sure." "'It's what I said about her trainers." "'She shouldn't have asked if she didn't want to know." "They are a bit clumpy." "'She's so moody." "I'm marrying her, what more does she want?" "'" "What are you doing?" "Just doodles, a logo, for when people are in touch about doing baseball caps with my initials on." "Right." "Good to be prepared." "Jeremy, is that post?" "Are you doodling on my post?" "When exactly were you going to tell me about..." "Oh, my God!" "It's from Matt Townsend." "Who's Matt Townsend?" "Only the best personal trainer in south London, according to Johnson." "He's got a window." "He's got a window and he's opening it for me." "Are you having a mental breakdown?" "I'm just joining a gym." "Get some exercise and some time, not away from Sophie, just without her." "You should join up too." "You get a free pen." "I don't need to pay money to join a gym." "The world is my gym." "The hills, the trees, the rivers." "They are my gym." "Well, the world is my gym, too, it's just the bit of it that's actually a gym, that's going to be my gym." "Is that Big Suze?" "It's her birthday." "I'm going to pick the most savage ones and then post them to her." "You haven't got over her going off with Johnson?" "I have, this is how I've got over it." "Have you got any spare carrier bags, because I'm going out to collect some dog shit." "'My new life has begun." "Everything is going to be different.'" "Well done, dude." "You slacked off a bit on the treadmill at the end." "A champion is someone who gets up even when they can't." "OK?" "OK, yeah." "'That's probably exactly the kind of bullshit" "'I'm going to need to believe in my new life.'" "That was your basic programme - maybe we should talk about special goals you've got." "My goals?" "'Does hiding from my fiancee count?" "'" "No goals really, apart from trying not to die, and get in shape for my wedding." " Getting married?" "Congratulations." " Thanks." "'It's fine, just a couple of normal guys." "'Oh, great, here comes the inevitable massive dong." "'Just look away." "If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me.'" "You don't sound over the moon?" "Oh, God, no, I'm... over the moon." "Are you not taking a shower?" "Oh, no, no, I shower at home." "It's good to, it clears the pores after a workout." "Sure, yeah, I'm down with that." "No, it's just at home I have a system." " A system?" " Yeah, it's complicated." "I don't want to waste water so I have my own methods, but they're all totally normal." "I'll explain them to you some time over a beer." "See you Friday." "See you." "'Oh, that was horrible." "'Now he thinks I'm embarrassed about my penis." "'When in fact, I'm not," "'I'm more concerned about my misshapen scrotum.'" "Hey, Corrigan, your ass is hanging out!" "Tuck it in!" "Oh, my God!" "Nancy!" "I didn't know you were..." "I haven't seen you since..." "Since I took off after marrying Jez?" "Er, yeah." "So what have you been up to?" "I was supposed to hang out with these Belgian nuns but then I got waylaid and ended up on crystal meth assistant-managing the IMAX in Bradford." "Oh, right." "It's really nice to see you again." "It's great to have some down-time working here, all that crank totally fucked with my mind." "It was pretty well blown to pieces by the size of the IMAX image every day, anyway." "Oh, yeah." "Cranking it at the IMAX." "Don't I know it(!" ")" "'I've got to tell Jez about Nancy." "'This will blow him away." "'Or could tip him over the edge." "'Maybe it would be kinder not to tell him." "'It would give me a weird feeling of secret power." "'What's that man doing?" "'I should do something." "'lf decent people like me do nothing, then what?" "'They'll come for the trade unionists." "'AIthough that wouldn't bother me too much." "'Hey, I know that weird run.'" " Jeremy?" " Mark?" "What the hell are you doing?" "I got a bit drunk and posted that stuff to Big Suze, and then I sobered up, and had second thoughts." "For God's sake, Jeremy, that's the post you set fire to." "The Royal Mail!" "That's like burning a swan!" "Oh, shit!" "Come on!" "(Mark) 'I have already done running today." "'This is unnecessary exercise.'" "What am I doing with my life?" "(Mark) 'Finally.'" "I'm such a cock ring." "I drove Nancy away," "Big Suze left me, I just wish something would work out for me, you know?" "Maybe my life is just on the wrong track." "'I should tell him about Nancy, 'but I don't want to distract him from this massive dawning realisation.'" "I can't believe you saw her last night but didn't say till now." "Last night you were in an emotional state." "'And by the morning, the weird feeling 'of secret power had started to wear off.'" "She must come in soon." "Good, though, isn't it - the gym?" "Kind of like being the member of a club." "Excuse me, Eva." "We're out of juice." "Right, but you have had a lot of juice." "There is an unwritten rule about drinking all the complimentary juice." "Still, if it's unwritten..." "We do need more juice." "'Well, she's shitting on the gentlemen's-club vibe.'" " Nancy!" " Hi, Jeremy." "This is so..." "Wow!" "I didn't know you were even back in the country." "Well, here I am." "In the country." "Oops." "Better be going, nice bumping into you." "We should get together, have a drink, reminisce." "About what?" "The time you screwed the next-door neighbour?" "Or the good times?" "The Robin Williams DVD marathon." "Come off it, Jez." "You said he was a moist-eyed camera hogger." "Or our wedding day." "That was a happy memory, remember that?" "Wifey?" "She's gone." "Still, try again tomorrow, she'll probably feel differently." "Can you give me another guest pass?" " Another one?" " It's important!" "They're worth £14 each." "I've only got three, and I'd like to give one to someone else." "Who to?" "One of your "friends"?" "Yes, one of my friends, or I might need one for emergencies." "How am I going to see Nancy again if you don't give me a pass?" "She clearly hates me." "Maybe you should take that as a sign." "I'm not giving up that easily." "Faint heart never won fair maid." "Right." "The epigram that starts the stalker's manifesto." "'Perfect." "Job at the gym." "'lf me and Nancy are trapped together, she'll start to fancy me, 'like the way people fuck each other in prison.'" "So you do know it's very low pay?" "That's OK." "I'm fine with that." "And very long hours." "I like long hours." "You have to clean toilets, and pull hair out of the plug holes." "I like that, it sounds interesting." "It's not interesting." "I find that stuff interesting." "Are you writing a novel or something?" "'Don't want to seem overqualified.'" "What's a novel?" "Pretty much a clean bill of health." "I did think I had ringworm once but it turned out to be a cigarette burn." "Whip off your top and assume the position." "Sorry?" "Massage." "It's part of the warm-down." "Oh, right." "Great." "If you just want to get onto your back to start off with." "'There isn't any chance I'm going to get an erection, is there?" "'Oh, my God, a man's hands all over my naked body." "'I'm so tense, I'm like Waterford crystal, I'll smash into pieces!" "'" "Are you feeling any more positive about the marriage?" "Oh..." "Yeah, kind of." "Come on, Mark." "The body is the greatest lie-detector!" "Any more knots in these calves and I'll put you forward for a scout badge." "Well, I..." "The truth is..." "I'm not really sure I want to get married." "Woah, shit, that's heavy." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Well, you need to get yourself mentally prepared, dude." "I can lend you this great book on relationships." "'Eugh!" "It's like he's got one hand on my body and the other in my brain." "'Leave my brain alone!" "'I get my brain training from Sudoku and Alain de Botton's weekly podcasts.'" "'Letting her go first, just as though she's the same as me, 'or even better." "God, I'm amazing." "'I hope they get to go on the equipment free after hours, 'that would be nice for them.'" " Hi, Nancy." " Jeremy." "Yeah, I work here now." "Amazing coincidence, yeah?" "Yeah, amazing." "Look, since we're going to be work colleagues now," "I think it's important I clear the air about me cheating on you." "That was a terrible, terrible thing to do." "I am sorry." "You know, I haven't even really had sex since you left." "Really?" "Not even oral, or foot-jobs or tromboning?" "No, sure." "Maybe a bit of oral, but I could never really enjoy it." "Jez, I'm not going to get back with you, but, if we're working together, I guess we may as well try and be friends." "We'll be friends." "Like the friends on Friends." "'Who were such good friends, they got bored 'and screwed each other.'" "So, what's new in your world?" "I'm really into judo at the moment and the instructor here, Matt, is a hundred-degree hottie." "Uh-huh." "Great." "God, I'd really love to bone him." "Well, that's what you should do, then." "You should bone him." "I'd like to watch!" "Only joking." "'Must remember, watching someone you love having sex isn't fun.'" "Are you seeing anyone?" "No." "What about Eva?" "She doesn't have a boyfriend." "I don't think so, she's not really my type." "Because she's from the Third World and lived in a hut?" "Poland isn't in the Third World, Nance." "They don't live in huts." "Well, still, it's a shame, she's a great girl and she's like my best friend here." "Champers Spa, can I help?" "'Maybe I could use Eva as a decoy." "'Hey, Nancy, I fancy your friend, then, oh shit, 'my lips have slipped and I'm kissing you. '" "You know, I'm the first white English person on the cleaning staff." "I'm getting a whole new view of life." "The other side of the potato." "They have these sandwiches but they don't come from shops, they make them themselves." "I make my own sandwiches, Jeremy." "Making your own sandwiches does not indicate a gritty life on the never-never." "It's like Titanic." "You're upstairs in your starched collar, I'm down below decks dancing a jig with the Poles and the Africans, having a better time than you can imagine." "Just make sure you clean up the changing-room toilets." "There's a big pool of rusty water by the urinals and it turns my stomach." "MOBILE RINGS" "Hello?" "(Sophie) "Hi, Mark, what are you doing?"" "Oh, just hanging out in the gym, you know." "Pushing for the burn." ""Oh, right." "I was hoping I might see you tonight."" "I'd love to, it's just I've got a session booked with Matt, and..." ""I wouldn't want to stop you getting fit for the wedding."" "'Physical wellbeing, the perfect alibi.'" " "See you tomorrow in the office."" " OK, then." "See you." " "Bye."" " Sophie." " Hey, Nancy!" " Hey, Jez." "I've been thinking about what we discussed, and..." "I do actually, definitely, fancy Eva." "Thought she wasn't your type?" "You know me, I don't have a type." "If it moves, I'll try and hump it." "Why don't we all go to the cinema?" "OK, and why don't I invite Matt?" "Double date." "'Fuck!" "'" "Do you want to risk asking him?" "There's a chance he might just laugh in your face and call you a slag." "Right, God, no." "Um, why don't you put in a good word for me with Matt and I'll put in a good word for you with Eva." "Great!" "OK, We'll set it up for the staff party on Thursday." "Thanks, you're awesome, Jez." "'Yeah, I'm awesome all right." "'I'm an awesome shit." "'I'm the cuckoo in the nest, the python in the toy box." "'And, quite possibly, the man of your dreams.'" "Er, it's Matt, isn't it." "And you are?" "Jeremy." "Yeah." "I've got a message from Nancy on reception." "The gorgeous blonde?" "Yeah, she says she's seen you looking at her and she thinks you're disgusting." "Oh, shit." "Yeah." "She says you stare at her like a sex offender." "And if you keep doing it, she'll call the police." "God!" "Well, she did smile at me once, so I just caught her eye." "Could you tell her I'm sorry?" "I'll tell her." "But she says if she sees you doing it again, she knows some bad dudes and they'II..." " Do you even want to know?" " I'd better." "She says they'll rip your cock off and stuff it in your mouth." " Jeez!" " Sorry to be the messenger." "Don't shoot me!" "No, dude, thanks for letting me know." "It's cool." "I've got your back, dude." "'And I've got your hairy plums in the palm of my hand.'" "'Might as well pile on a few more spoonfuls." "'Who cares if I put on weight?" "I'm engaged to be married!" "'Mating season is over.'" "Mark, you're not full yet?" "This is just fuel for the engine, I'll burn this off on the treadmill in, like, a second." " Do you think we're a good couple?" " 'Uh-oh.'" "Um, yeah." "I mean, you've got to be realistic, we're no Edward and Mrs Simpson, but, yeah." "'I think that was a good answer.'" "Do you think we spend enough time together?" "Um... 'Where's this going?" "'" "Well, yeah, I think we do." "You just seem to spend so much time in the gym, you seem to love it so much, I was thinking maybe I might join." "'Shit!" "'" "Oh, well, that would be... great." "It would be fun, the two of us doing something together." "I could go on the exercise bike in front of you and we could pretend you were chasing me!" "'Brilliant." "She's located my bunker and now she's invading." "'She's flushing me out with dogs and grenades 'and a sincere desire to spend time with me.'" "'Staff party." "Nancy." "'Sauna." "Champagne." "'This should be happening to me on a daily fucking basis.'" "Jeremy." "Where's Eva?" "Oh." "She went to chill out in the flotation tank." "Right." "Aren't you two supposed to?" "No, no." "I made a joke about Lech Walesa, she took offence, she started getting snitty about UK hip-hop, so things just fell apart." "Oh." "That's a shame." "'I could use my sauna line.'" "Cor, it's like a sauna in here!" "SHE GIGGLES" "'Classic line." "A great line." "'Must manoeuvre more dates into saunas.'" "So, how's it going." "Enjoy the party?" "Not really." "Matt spent the whole evening looking past me." "Did you talk to him?" "Er, as a matter of fact, I did." "What did he say?" "I probably shouldn't tell you." "Oh, come on, please." "He's not into anything serious, he's looking for, quote unquote, a fuck-monkey." "A fuck-monkey?" "He said that?" "Yeah, and not even a good kind of fuck-monkey." "I can't believe he'd say that." "Men do and say horrible things." "I know I have." "But I'm lucky, because I've been given another chance to be your friend." "And I wouldn't trade a moment of that friendship for a lifetime of fuck-monkey jungle action." "ALARM" " What the?" " It's Eva in the flotation tank!" "She's hit the panic button." "'The gooseberry's revenge!" "'That hairy gooseberry, she couldn't stay in her bloody punnet!" "'" "How did that get on there?" "I don't know, maybe some stoned weightlifter playing a prank or something." "I couldn't get out!" "It was so dark." "So dark." "There are worse places to get trapped." "I mean, you must be bloody relaxed by now." "'Ugh." "Why do they have to park the bikes right in front of the sexualiser?" "'Be so demeaning to get a bonk on while exercising.'" "Come on, dude, let's take it all the way up." "Can you take some more?" "Can you?" "Do you want it?" "'What am I meant to say?" "Can I say no?" "'" "I want it." "'He's broken me, I'll say anything now.'" "That's Alpine uphill." "That's serious shit." "Work it, big man." "How's the food plan?" "What did you have for dinner?" "Well, I was late in, the fridge was bare..." " What was it, dude?" " Pizza from San Marcos." "San Marcos!" "When there's a sushi bar right next door?" "You're going to end up fat like a house." "I mean, take a look at my stomach." "Yes, have a look at yours." "'Oh, God.'" "Which is better?" "'Could claim mine is better... '" "Yours." "Exactly." "No more pizza." "What are you doing tonight?" "Going to the pub with Jeremy." "Don't go to the pub with Jeremy." "Ask Sadie out for a smoothie." "Her?" "Why?" "You need some options now things are going down the shitter with Sophie." "But be a bit quiet, maybe, Matt." "Relax, fat boy." "Now, come on, let's take it up a notch." "Let's rocket all the way to the top." "Can you take some more?" "Do you want some more?" "Do you?" "Do you want it?" "Do you want it?" " No!" " What?" "No, I don't want it." "All right?" "Fuck off." "You've made it too hard." "I can hardly fucking pedal." "No mountain is that hard." "It's just not realistic." "OK, I've got two bits of bad news, one affecting me, the other affecting you." "Which do you want to hear first?" "The one affecting me, then I can have the one affecting you as dessert." "Nancy told me she spoke to Matt at judo class and she's going to ask him out on a date." "What about all my fuck-monkey stuff?" "Well, she said she decided it wouldn't be so bad spending all day eating bananas and fucking with Matt Townsend." "Oh, shit." "That's disgusting." "I'm depressed." "What's your bad news?" "Sophie's planning to join the gym." "What's so bad about that?" " I told Matt I don't want to marry her." " Oh." "She's getting dangerously close to my web of lies." "But isn't it quite good if she does find out?" "I mean, you know, so you don't break both your hearts?" "No, she can't ever know." "It's all arranged, Jeremy, it's an arranged marriage." "My dad literally congratulated me, Jez." "He sent me a greetings card with a pre-printed message expressing a good deal of happiness." "This is my chance to be a proper human being." "Right, yeah." "'Like that's ever going to happen.'" "And now Matt's going to spill the beans to Sophie or to Nancy and then she'll tell Sophie." "What am I going to do, Jez?" "Well, what am I going to do?" "Maybe I'll tell Nancy Matt's got Aids." "Then she'd say, "Sorry," and he'd say, "Why?"" "And she'd say, "I thought you had Aids."" "And he'd say, "No." And then they'd just start fucking." "Jeremy, both of us can't pace." "It's like a prison yard in here." "Sorry." "We need to get rid of Matt." "Yeah, get rid of Matt, Fast, before Nancy asks him out." "We need a clever plan." "What word de Botton do?" "An evil Alain de Botton?" "Kill him." "There's an incinerator round the back of the gym." "De Botton wouldn't kill, we're not going to kill him." "We could say he poos in the pool." "Hmm." "That's not beyond the realms of possibility." "He'd definitely get the sack for that." "What kind of a freak would do that?" "It'd screw his chances with Nancy." "Yes, could work." "Although, I suppose, I mean... one of us would have to... in the pool." "No, just lie." "Shame in a way, because I've always kind of wanted to poo in a pool." "Really?" "I did not know that about you." "I really don't feel comfortable about this, Jez." "It'll be fine, just follow my lead." "Oh, sorry to keep you, Mr Corrigan." "'Well, this is going to be incredibly painful, 'but at least I'm doing the right thing." "Sort of.'" "I understand you might be able to back up Jeremy's story about the item found in the pool." "'Oh, my God!" "He actually..." "He couldn't resist!" "Did you see Matt Townsend do this?" "Well, I didn't actually see him, but I..." "I have my suspicions." " Why?" " He mentioned to me that he likes to do that." "He did?" "Yes, he said he loves to do that." "OK, I'll have a word with Matt." "My apologies." "But I'm sure we can straighten this out." "(Jez) 'Not straighten out." "Sack the innocent man.'" "There was that other thing." "Another thing?" "Yes, the other thing." "Remember?" "What you told me?" "About your knob?" "Oh, er... yes, erm..." "I didn't want to mention that, but..." "Matt, he touched my penis." "Karen, could you ask Matt Townsend to come to my office immediately?" "They say I did a poo in the pool?" "And I..." "And I touched him?" "Yes." "Can you describe exactly what happened, Mr Corrigan?" "Um, well, he was giving me a massage and he was going up my legs and my thighs and then he... touched my penis, and then he rubbed my penis quite a bit." "And I said stop, but he wouldn't stop." "Mark, why are you saying this?" " I don't understand." " Because..." "Because it's true." "Please, don't do this, this is my career." "You should have thought about that when you were touching his cock." "(Mark) 'Oh, God, this is all so horrible." "'Maybe it would have been simpler just to kill him." "'I should know how to kill someone by now, I've watched enough CSI.'" "I can't believe they got rid of Matt." "Oh, Nance, he's a pool pooer." "You know what that means?" "He poos... in the pool." "Right, I'm gonna beat your ass, Corrigan." "'Maybe we'll be happy ever after.'" "'Maybe I'll look back and say judo brought us together." "'Maybe we'll have a judo-themed wedding 'and get married in judo suits and I'll cut the cake with my hand." "'Shit, Matt." "'He wants to punch and kick me and he's come somewhere 'where he's allowed to punch and kick me.'" " Mark." " Matt." "I thought you weren't working here any more." "I can still come to classes." "Do you mind if I cut in?" "Oh, no, I'm a complete beginner so..." "Leave me alone." "Mark, just fight him, he's not going to hurt you." "He is going to hurt me." "You're pathetic, Corrigan." "Do you know that?" "A pathetic, flabby worm." "He's here, too." "That's great, thanks a lot." "It's all right, Jez, use your woman as a human shield." "Matt, violence never solved anything." "Love thy neighbour as thyself." "Yeah, exactly." "Fuck off." "You can't hide there forever." "He thinks we can't hide here forever." "He doesn't know us at all, does he?" "Paranoia, paranoia" "Everybody's coming to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm running underground with the moles" "Digging holes"