"¶ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ¶" "¶ Songs that made The Hit Parade ¶" "¶ Guys like us We had it made ¶" "¶ Those were the days ¶" "¶ And you knew Where you were then ¶" "¶ Girls were girls And men were men ¶" "¶ Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again ¶" "¶ Didn't need No welfare state ¶" "¶ Everybody pulled His weight ¶" "¶ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ¶" "¶ Those were the days ¶" "Oh, hello, Archie." "Did you have a nice day?" "Edith, I'm gonna turn around slow and let you have a look at my face." "Then you tell me what kind of a day I had." "EDITH:" "That bad, huh?" "Yeah, and to top everything off, tonight on the subway was worse than ever." "I come down on that platform and it's absolutely jammed, Edith, and I says, "God, if that train comes in" ""and there's an empty seat on the train," ""I'm gonna give Edith 5 bucks for church on Sunday."" "And I says, "God, if there happens to be" ""on that empty seat a newspaper," ""I'll go with Edith to church and I'll give you the 5 bucks myself."" "What happened?" "The train comes in and so help me, there's an empty seat on that train, and you ain't gonna believe this, but on the empty seat there's a newspaper." "Oh, Archie, ain't that wonderful?" "!" "Your prayers were answered." "Hold it, Edith." "Hold it, hold it, hold it." "The newspaper on the seat was this here." "Does that mean you ain't going to church with me?" "That's right." "The Jewish Daily Forward ain't exactly the answer to my prayer." "What about the $5 for the church?" "Oh, no, that's canceled." "Why don't you give the $5 to a synagogue?" "I'll give $5 to a synagogue on the day that I can do the crossword puzzle in this paper." "Take it." "Oh, thank you, Archie." "I wonder where the puzzle is." "I wonder where the supper is, Edith." "Right away, Archie." "What's the matter with you, Meathead?" "Can't you understand English over there?" "Come on, clear the table for supper." "The library is closed." "Right away, Arch." "No back talk from you?" "Why should there be any back talk?" "You told Ma to get dinner ready, so I'm clearing the table." "When you're right, you're right." "Thank you very much." "Doesn't happen often... but when it does," "I like to share the experience with you." "Get away from me!" "Get away from me!" "Goodbye." "Aw, gee, Edith." "Edith!" "Yeah." "Edith, how can anybody read in this room?" "Why don't you get more powerful bulbs for the lights in here?" "Oh, Archie, it ain't the light." "It's what I've been trying to tell you..." "Now, listen, listen, don't start that again." "Oh, but Archie" "I never wore glasses in my whole life, and I ain't going to start now." "But it's nothing to be ashamed of." "It's nature." "Everybody has a little trouble seeing the words close-up after they pass a certain age." "I tell you it ain't age!" "It's the ink they're using in the paper." "It ain't as black as it used to be." "They're probably watering it down like everything else you buy nowadays." "Go out and get the supper!" "Right away!" "Getting about time to have your arms lengthened, huh, Arch?" "Maybe you ought to get glasses, huh?" "Get away from me, huh?" "I mean, I saw the way you were reading the paper." "You might as well get glasses." "It'd be a lot easier for you." "Holding them out like that?" "Will you..." "Will you get away from me?" "!" "Oh, my goodness." "How did you get into a fight so quick?" "This guy came downstairs." "What happened?" "I don't know." "I made a joke about the way he was reading the paper." "He goes bananas." "Oh, Archie, I know how you feel, but just because you need glasses don't mean nothing." "Well, look at me." "I've needed glasses for years, and you're older than I am." "That's only because I was born first." "Hi, everybody." "Hi." "Oh, hi, Gloria." "Hi, Ma." "I'll set the table." "Hi, Daddy." "What about me?" "I saved the best for last." "Ah." "Oh, look at this here." "She hasn't even got her coat off, and he's jumping on her." "[SEXY VOICE] Well, then I'll take it off, Daddy." "Cut that out!" "You're in a good mood tonight." "What happened?" "Did you get a seat on the subway?" "Better than that." "I got a ride all the way home from work." "Yeah?" "Who gave you a lift?" "Mr. Clifton, the buyer in cosmetics." "Since when are you so chummy with him?" "Michael, you're not jealous, are you?" "No, I just don't like you riding around with strange men, that's all." "Oh, Michael, he's in his late 40s." "He's old enough to be my father." "Hey, hey, what kind of a crack is that?" "!" "Nothing." "What'd I say?" "You know what you said." "What's going on?" "Archie's worried about getting old." "I ain't worried about that, and I don't want to hear nothing more about old in this house!" "Come on." "Let's eat supper." "Uh, Daddy, did you pick up my watch?" "What watch?" "My wristwatch, the one that's being repaired." "No, I didn't pick it up." "Why didn't you remind me about it last night?" "I did remind you last night." "You said you would." "I don't remember that." "Sure, Arch, it was at dinner." "I heard you." "You didn't hear that because I didn't say that, and you didn't say nothing about it neither." "Wait a second." "Ma heard you too, right, Ma?" "No, I don't remember." "When you get older, you forget..." "Oh, no, Archie!" "No!" "I didn't mean you." "I meant me." "I don't wanna hear nothing more about getting old at this table!" "In fact, I don't want to hear nothing about nothing!" "Arch, everybody gets old..." "EDITH:" "Archie, where are you going?" "I'm going to where youse people have been sending me for the last half hour, to the old folks' home." "And on the way," "I'm gonna stop off at Kelsey's Bar, and I'm gonna have a couple of beers." "And maybe for my dinner, I'll gum down a few pretzels." "So you get the picture, see?" "There's this big crate on the ground, and we got to get it up onto the loading platform." "Now, we got all these young wise guys standing around staring at it like they never heard of the word "muscle," see?" "So I call over to Petey Brobich," ""Petey, come on." "Give me a hand here."" "Petey gets one end of it, see, with his hands, and I get the other end here." "Mind you, this is a 500-pound crate." "We grabbed that crate and alley-oop off the ground, right up like a feather, onto the platform." "What do you think of that?" "Well, you was in pretty good shape in them days, Arch." "What the hell do you mean, "in them days"?" "Well, Petey Brobich dropped dead more than 15 years ago." "Fifteen years?" "You're crazy." "No, no." "I remember it well." "It was my first anniversary in this bar." "I was serving free eats." "Petey comes in, takes one of my hard-boiled eggs and drops dead." "ARCHIE:" "That long ago." "Gee, where does time fly to, anyway." "Let me have a beer." "Yeah, coming up." "Hey, Kelsey, how old would you say I looked?" "Arch, at bartender college, they taught us three things you don't talk about:" "politics, religion, and age." "We stick to the safe subjects like taxes, which everybody's against." "And women, which everybody's for." "Hey, that's pretty good, huh?" "Yeah." "[CASH REGISTER RINGS]" "Uh, hey, excuse me." "Don't I know you from someplace?" "I don't know." "You tell me." "Well, to me you kind of look like the Mulheron family..." "I got it." "I got it." "You're Bill Mulheron's kid brother." "Better than that." "I'm Bill Mulheron." "No." "Sure am." "You're Bill Mul" "Uh-huh." "Well, I'll be." "You are." "Hey, come over here!" "How are you?" "How you been?" "Great, great." "Just great." "Now can I ask you a question?" "Yeah, sure." "Who are you?" "You don't remember me, Archie Bunker?" "Archie Bunker?" "I thought you were dead." "No." "No, I'm still alive." "Gee." "Well, I ain't seen you in a long time." "How long has it been-- 15, 20 years?" "Are you kidding?" "Closer to 30." "What?" "30 years?" "I can't get over it." "Well, what brings you back to the old neighborhood?" "I'm meeting a friend here." "Oh, yeah." "Gee, Bill, you don't look a day older." "I mean, what are you doing?" "Taking shots?" "No, just work out every day, take care of myself, keep myself in shape." "The most important thing is up here." "You gotta be young in your head." "Well, I heard of that." "Hey, hey, Kelsey." "Say hello to an old friend of mine, Bill Mulheron." "Shake hands with Kelsey here." "Hiya, Kelsey." "Put a head on these beers." "No, no, no, no!" "Just one a night." "So you two guys know each other?" "Sure!" "We was in the same high school class together." "You're kidding." "Yep, that's right." "Same age, believe it or not." "You've gotta watch that middle-age spread, Arch." "Be right back." "I'm going to the boys' room." "Ah." "You're the same age as him?" "Yeah." "But you look like you got 10, 15 years on him." "Why don't you go back to bartender's college and take a course in Shut Up?" "MICHAEL:" "What are you talking about?" "You're a meathead and you always will be!" "Don't you know enough not to walk into a toilet when there's somebody in there?" "I didn't know you were in there." "The door was half open." "It was also half closed, and that's the part you got to respect." "What are you, upset because I caught you in there checking for bald spots?" "I wasn't doing that!" "Then what were you doing using Gloria's mirror, checking the back of your head in the bathroom mirror?" "Looking for dandruff." "Come on, Archie." "You were checking for fallen hair." "I was not." "I haven't lost any hair in over a year." "Oh, yeah?" "Then what was that hair doing on your comb?" "Maybe I'm growing new hair." "Did you ever think of that?" "What?" "!" "That's right, that hair you seen on the comb." "That's the old hair, which the new hair growing in is pushing out." "Archie, where are you going?" "I got your lunch all ready." "I'm going down to Kelsey's Bar, where a man can go into the toilet without attracting a crowd." "Arch..." "Can I eat your lunch?" "Get away from me." "Daddy, hi." "Get away from me." "What's wrong with him?" "He's still hung up on that age thing." "Oh, yeah, he's so worried about it, he don't act natural no more." "If he ain't yelling about it, he's sitting there staring." "Like the other evening when you two were out, he sat through the whole 7:00 news without blowing one raspberry at Walter Cronkite." "Well, remember how funny you acted, Ma?" "I mean, when you were going through the change?" "Oh, I don't think Archie's getting hot flashes." "No." "But that's why he's been so moody lately." "Well, he was up early this morning doing his exercises." "Daddy was exercising?" "Oh, yeah." "He tried to touch his toes." "Did he make it?" "Yeah, after he sat down." "You know what it is?" "It's the capitalist system." "That's right." "That's right." "It's Madison Avenue selling us a phony youth culture." "I mean, if you're not young and beautiful, you're not worth a damn." "What's wrong with being young and beautiful?" "Well, nothing, if that's what you are, but what's wrong with being older and beautiful?" "You know, Michael's right." "It's like all those ladies having their faces lifted and their breasts lifted." "Just last week, in the paper, a woman had her bottom lifted." "Oh, my." "Wouldn't that make her too tall to sit down?" "Thanks, fellows." "See you soon." "Hi there, Kelsey." "Oh, hi, Arch." "BILL:" "Hey, Arch!" "How are you?" "Oh, hiya there, Bill." "What, are you making a habit of this joint?" "I'm meeting another friend." "Oh." "Sit down, Arch, you look beat." "Kelse!" "Bring over a beer for Arch." "Yeah, I'm beat all right." "Walking over here now," "I felt something brushing at my heels." "I looked down, it was my butt." "You ought to start exercising, Arch." "That'll perk you up." "Are you kidding?" "I tried that this morning." "That's what's got me the way I am." "Jeez, how do you do it?" "How do you stay so young?" "It's like I told you before, Arch." "The secret is up here." "You want to stay young, you think young." "And wait'll you get a load of the young friend that's meeting me." "One look at her and you feel 10 years younger." "Ah, you're meeting a girl in here, huh, Bill?" "When she gets here, call me Brad." "Brad?" "What for?" "Well, it sounds younger." ""Bill" ain't got no pizzazz to it." "People start calling you Brad, and you... you feel like a Brad." "Besides, my girlfriend's crazy about that name." "Yeah, but wait a minute." "Didn't I hear long ago that you got married?" "That's right, I'm married-- 22 years." "Oh." "You're fooling around, huh?" "Now, look, Arch." "You take some of your most famous men" "Pablo Picasso, that great painter... over 80 and still going strong." "Why?" "Because he keeps marrying young girls." "Then you take that other Pablo..." "Casals." "Oh, yeah, the welterweight." "No, no, no, the cello player." "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Over 90 and still fiddling around." "Why?" "Because he's married to a young chick." "Well, what are you telling me?" "That you're gonna get married again?" "No, I wouldn't do nothing to hurt my family." "Look, Arch, I figure this way:" "I'm doing my wife a big favor by keeping young for her." "You married, Arch?" "Oh, me." "Yeah, sure." "24 years." "Uh-huh." "You ever, uh, fool around?" "Oh, sure." "Well, uh, how much fooling around do you do?" "Enough." "Enough." "Well, does that mean more than once?" "Oh, no, come on, now there, Bill" "Brad." "Uh, Brad, there." "You know, you ain't going to get no information, because I ain't one of your... what do you call..." "kiss-and-tellers." "Hi, Brad." "Tina!" "Oh, am I late?" "Oh, baby, you're never late." "Whenever you show up, it's just the right time." "Oh, Brad, you're so corny, but I love it." "[LAUGHING]" "Oh!" "Tina, I want you to meet an old friend of mine." "This is..." "Uh, Greg Bunker." "Yeah." "Yeah, Greg, Greg Bunker." "This is Tina." "Hi." "Oh, I'm pleased to make your acquaintanceship, Tina." "Oh!" "Sit down, Tina, and I'll order some drinks." "Ah, well, youse two are together." "I'll be in the way here." "No, no." "Sit down, relax." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, yeah, you're gonna join us." "All right." "It'll be good for you..." "up here." "Uh, honey, excuse me just for a couple of minutes." "I got to make a couple of phone calls, and then I'm all yours." "Can I, uh, trust you two while I'm gone?" "Aw, come on." "Oh, I don't know about that, Brad." "Your friend's awful cute." "Aw, cut it out." "You just watch yourself, honey, because Greg here has always been a big guy with the ladies." "Aw, get out of here." "Vodka gimlet for the lady." "Uh..." "Tina, huh?" "Right." "Uh, do you mind if I ask you a question, Greg?" "No, go ahead." "Well, do you ever take your hat off?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, sure." "I take my hat off." "Oh, what a difference!" "Now, why would you want to hide all that beautiful hair?" "[CHUCKLES] Come on." "You like the hair, huh?" "I love it." "Well, listen, don't let that color fool you." "You know the old saying-- just because there's snow on the roof don't mean there ain't no fire in the furnace." "Oh, that's so funny." "Ain't you never heard that before?" "Yes." "But I love the way you say it." "Yeah, well, I got a lot of them." "Oh, I'll, uh, tell you a little secret, Greg, but don't tell Brad." "No, no." "I just love gray hair on a man." "Yeah." "Well, see, I'll tell you about this gray." "See, this gray ain't what you call old gray." "See, I had this gray since I was in my 20s." "Like, it come on me overnight." "Oh, well, did something bad happen?" "Yeah, the Giants moved to California." "You are so funny." "Excuse me." "Would you like a little something with your drinks?" "Peanuts, pretzels, Vitamin E?" "Uh..." "That'll be all, waiter." "Well, Tina, here's how" "Well, I know how." "Just say when." "Hey, that's a swiftie, there." "Now, you're kind of cute." "Hey, Brad better be careful or somebody's going to steal you from him." "Oh, nobody has to steal me, Greg." "You could borrow me for $20." "Huh?" "Too expensive?" "Oh, come on, Tina, you're kidding me, ain't you?" "No." "No, I'm not kidding." "But, Tina, I mean... if you was to take 20 bucks off a guy, that would make you one of them..." "That's right." "I'm a working girl." "Oh." "And today you're working for Brad, huh?" "Well, yeah." "Well, he pays." "I mean, why else would I go out with him?" "Oh, what do you know about that?" "A beautiful-looking young girl like you." "You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" "Does your mother know what you're doing?" "Yes, she does." "Does your mother know what you're doing?" "[CLICKS TONGUE]" "Tell Brad he knows where to find me if he wants me..." "Blue Eyes." "Holy cow." "Even the neighborhood bar ain't sacred no more." "Where's Tina?" "Where's Tina?" "Tina left." "She left?" "Where'd she go?" "Oh, she said you'd find her at her place." "You..." "Your young girls keeping you young." "You didn't tell me you was paying for them." "She "prepositioned" me right here." "What's the difference?" "Young is young." "Yeah, sure, Brad." "Damn it, I got the wrong glasses!" "Hey, what's the matter with you there, Brad?" "You having trouble with your eyesight?" "Give me the book." "Hey, I'll read that for you." "Yeah, Tina:" "341 Groton Place." "Thanks, Arch." "Hey, before you leave, can I buy you a drink, there, old-timer?" "Some other time." "Well, all I got to say is whoop-dee-do." "I got some news for you, Kelsey." "You see that Bill Mulheron guy just walked out the door there, huh?" "Well, he may look young, but he sure don't think young." "That young girl over there?" "Paying for her." "No." "Yeah." "Now, will you tell me something?" "Why do guys worry about getting old?" "Now, that's a question for bigger minds than ours, Arch." "[GRUNTS IN AGREEMENT]" "Yeah." "You know something?" "That might be a good question for "Dear Abe-y."" "Give me another beer." "Can you see better with your glasses, Archie?" "Yeah, Edith, I can see a whole lot better, but the news ain't no better." "Let's see what we got on the TV." "ANNOUNCER:" "From CBS News Headquarters in New York, this is the CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite." "But Archie, he ain't said nothing yet." "He will." "[¶]" "ANNOUNCER:" "All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience."