"thank you." "Goodbye." "Thank you so much." "Fawlty Towers." "Mr. Hawkins." " I've arranged your car for 2:00." " Thank you." "Mr. Hawkins." "yes." "we have to cancel the order then." "5:00 will be fine." "Goodbye." "Brenda can't start till Monday." "Would you mind doing the rooms until then?" "good." "There you are." "Mr. Yardley." "hello." "Can I help you? please?" "In one moment." "I'm just dealing with this gentleman." "Mr. Thurston..." " What?" " I was wondering..." " I need change for this!" "In a moment." "I'm dealing with this gentleman." "But I have a taxi driver waiting." "Surely this gentleman wouldn't mind if you just gave me change." "no." "Go ahead." " There you are." " Thank you." "Can you tell me how to get to Glendower Street?" "I've booked a room and bath with a sea view for three nights." " Glendower Street?" " Yes." "You haven't finished with me." "Missus...?" "Mrs. Richards." "Mrs. Alice Richards." "Mr. Thurston." "Mrs. Richards." "Mr. Thurston is the gentleman I'm attending to at the moment." "What?" "Mr. Thurston is the gentleman I'm attending..." "Don't shout." "I'm not deaf." "Mrs. Richards." "But you were serving me!" "but I hadn't finished dealing with him." "Glendower Street..." "Isn't there anyone else in attendance?" "this is the most appalling service!" "What a good idea!" "could you lend Mrs. Richards your assistance in connection with her reservation?" "Now..." "I've reserved a very quiet room with a bath and a sea view. so please make sure I have it." "Qué?" " What?" " Qué?" " K?" " Sí." "C?" "KC"?" "KC"?" "What are you trying to say?" "no." " Qué:" "What." " K-watt?" "Sí." "Qué... what." " C.K. Watt?" " Yes!" "Who is C.K. Watt?" "Qué?" "Mr. Watt?" " Manaher!" " He is?" "Mr. Fawlty!" " What?" " Fawlty!" "you silly little man?" "What is going on here?" "and he tells me aged 40." "no." "Faw-lty." "Faulty"?" "What's wrong with him?" "Mrs. Richards." "He's from Barcelona." "The manager's from Barcelona?" "no." "He's from Swanage." " And you're in 22." " What?" "You're in room 22." "will you?" "Mr. Fawlty." "glad you enjoyed it." "please?" "When will we see you again?" "not for a few weeks." "Mr. Fawlty?" "I used to be." "Only there's a very nice little filly running at Exeter this afternoon." " Really?" " Dragonfly." "Ah." " Dragonfly?" " Yeah." "but pay the tax on it before... delighted you enjoyed your stay." "Very nice." "Hope to see you again before long." " There you are." " Thank you." "Mrs. Fawlty." "Mr. Firkin." "A satisfied customer." "We should have him stuffed." "Dragonfly." "Right?" "good luck!" "Jolly... jolly good luck with it." "Major." "Fawlty." "dear?" "Basil?" "I expect." "Major." "old boy." " Really?" "have you?" "What's his name?" "dear?" "Major." "no." "dear?" "no." "That particular avenue of pleasure has been closed off for me." "Basil?" "dear." "No." "yes." "Major?" "didn't he?" "I believe." "Mr. Fawlty!" "Mr. Fawlty!" "Is Missus..." "room no like." "She want speak to you." "Is problem." "Polly?" "Fawlty?" "Major." "Better than marrying it." "Marrying it?" "did he? just not turned up at the church." "Madam." "Can I help you?" "Madam." " What?" " I am the owner." "I want to speak to the manager." "too." " What?" "I am the manager as well." "Manaher." "He manaher." "you're Watt." "I'm the manager!" " What?" " I'm the manager!" "I know." "You've just told me." "What's the matter with you?" "listen to me." "I booked a room with a bath." "I expect to get a bath." "You've got a bath. for a room without a bath!" "Here is your bath." "You call that a bath?" "It's not big enough to drown a mouse." "It's disgraceful!" "I wish you were a mouse." "I'd show you." "And another thing." "I asked for a room with a view." "and blind." "madam." "this is it." "I expect something more interesting than that." "madam." "That is not good enough." "may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window?" "perhaps?" "The Hanging Gardens of Babylon?" "Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically..." "Don't be silly." "I expect to be able to see the sea." "You can see the sea." "It's over there between the land and the sky." "I need a telescope to see that." "may I suggest that you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea?" "Or preferably in it?" "Right." "listen to me." "but I've decided to stay here." "I shall expect a reduction." "because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment? and the radio doesn't work." "the radio works." "You don't." "What?" "you scabby old bat." " I think we got something then." " What?" "I think we got something then!" "What are you doing?" "Qué? do you by any chance have a hearing aid?" "A what?" "A hearing aid!" "I do have a hearing aid." "Would you like me to get it mended?" "!" "Mended?" "It's working perfectly all right." "it isn't!" "I haven't got it turned on at the moment." " Why not?" " The battery runs down." "what sort of a reduction are you going to give me on this room?" " 60% if you turn it on." " What?" "My wife handles all such matters." "I'm sure she will be delighted to discuss it with you." "I shall speak to her after lunch." "didn't you?" " What?" " Thank you so much." "Lunch will be served at half past 12:00." "Manuel!" "Manuel!" "Are you going to the betting shop today?" "don't you start!" "You go betting shop today?" "sí! but... big secret." "Sybil no know." "it's lovely." "It's just a bit buttery with my skin." "I think I need something more... more... more tonal." "Have you got..." "have you got Cosmopolitan there?" "you see Burt Reynolds?" "there's a girl standing behind him looking at James Caan." "That sort of color." "Mm." "I'll be in at 11:00." "Polly..." " Hmm?" "I've got to check the laundry." "Could you keep an eye on reception for me?" "Sure." "where Mr. Fawlty?" "I don't know." "What's the matter? sh!" "give it to me." "I'll give it to him." "Miss Gatsby." "Miss Tibbs." "Good afternoon." "Good afternoon." "Good afternoon. then there's no lavatory paper!" "Would you like some of ours?" "We keep an extra supply." "Yes." "Would you like some of ours?" "Hello!" "there's no paper in my room." "Why don't you check these things?" "isn't it?" " We don't put it in the rooms." " What?" "We keep it in the lounge." "In the lounge?" "!" "I'll get you some." "or ones with our address on it?" "Address on it?" "!" "How many sheets?" "how many are you going to use?" "Manager!" "Just enough for one?" "Tell me." "Manager!" "Manager!" "Yes?" "Testing..." "testing..." "There you are." "I've never met such insolence in my life! personal things I've ever heard in my life!" "I thought she wanted writing paper." "Watt!" " Watt?" "Are you deaf?" "I said I'm talking to you." "I've never met such insolence in my life." "She said people use it in the lounge." "she thought..." " Then she starts asking me... please listen..." " Appalling questions about... she thought you wanted to write." "all right!" "no." "Wanted to write!" " What?" "Wanted to write." "On the paper." "Why should I want to write on it?" "I'll have some sent up to your room immediately." "Manuel!" "That doesn't work either." "What were you saying just now?" " Turn it on." " What?" "Turn it..." "Turn... it... on." "I can't read that." "I need my glasses." "Where are they?" "Mrs. Richards." "I've lost them." "They're the only pair I've got." "I can't read a thing without them." "Excuse me!" "I had them this morning..." " Mrs. Richards... and then I had them at tea time..." "Mrs. Richards!" "Your glasses are there!" "There?" "Who put them in there?" "no!" "On your head! On..." "Mr. Fawlty." "Manuel asked me to give this to you." "Polly... eh?" " No." " Right. for 22." "twent... sí." "Are you blind?" "There were on my head all the time." "Didn't you see?" " Yes." " Didn't God give you eyes?" "'cause it wears the batteries out." "Send my paper up immediately." "What's all that?" "22." "Terry." "Terry?" "Mr. Fawlty." "Mr. Fawlty." "Had a little bit of luck on the gee-gees." "eh?" "de Camptown Ladies sing this song doo dah" "Camptown racetrack five miles long" "Doo-dah doo-dah day" "Goin' to run all night" "Goin' to run all day" "Gonna bet me money on the bobtail nag..." "I did it my way." "Can't stand Frank Sinatra." ""You make me feel so young"." "Rubbish." "Basil." "Hmm?" "You seem very jolly." "Jolly?" "jolly." "Sort of... happy." "I remember that." "no." "though." "Basil." "dear." "singing and rubbing your hands." "dear." "The Samaritans were engaged." "I thought maybe you were in love." "Hah!" "light of my life." "Or had a bit of luck or something." "Terry?" "Mrs. Fawlty." "Manuel!" "Manuel!" "it win!" "It win!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Manuel..." "You know nothing." "but I learn." "I learn." "no..." " I get better!" "you don't understand." "you don't." "I..." "I do understand that..." "Shh!" "Shh!" "You know nothing about the horse." "I know nothing about the horse." "Yes." "Ah." "Which horse?" "What?" "Which horse I know nothing?" "nitwit!" "Nitwit?" "Dragonfly!" "I know!" "too!" "I put money on for you." "I go to betting shop..." "I know!" "Why you say I know nothing?" "look..." "You know the horse?" "Uh..." "Nitwit or Dragonfly?" "Dragonfly!" "There isn't a horse called..." "you're the nitwit!" "What is "wit-nit"?" "It doesn't matt..." "I could spend the rest of my life having this conversation!" "please try to understand before one of us dies!" "I try." "You're going to forget everything you know about Nitwit." "Dragonfly." "Dragonfly!" "Yes!" "sí." "Eventually." "What?" "Eventually." "at the end." "forget it now!" "Now?" "pretend you forget!" "Pretend?" "don't say anything to anyone about the horse!" "I know that." "You tell me that this morning!" " Basil...?" " So don't do it again!" "dear?" "It's Mrs. Richards." "A fatal accident?" "She's had some money stolen." "I tell Polly." "not even me!" "You know nothing!" "dear?" "You've got to help me handle this." "She's in a frightful state." "I can't get a word in edgewise." "She's had £85 taken from her room." "but she insists we send for the police." "What do we do with someone like that?" "She just keeps on!" "how very nice to see you!" "Are you enjoying your stay?" "There's no need to shout." "I have my hearing aid on." "I've explained to my husband..." "I've just been up to my room. which I had hidden under the mattress." "yes?" "It's a disgrace!" "I haven't been here a day." " What sort of staff do you employ?" " Mrs. Richards... this sort of thing wouldn't happen!" "what have you got to say for yourself?" "What?" "wait." "I haven't got it turned up enough." "Basil!" "I said I suggest... my head!" "Has it come away?" "Did you bang your head?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "dear." "Let me have a look." "You'd better go and lie down before something else happens." "Shut up!" "Why don't you call the police?" "the moment we've searched the rooms." "My money's been taken!" "I know." "Try not to speak." "Is this a piece of your brain?" "£85." "Take my arm." "thank you." "I can get down the stairs perfectly well by myself." "Down" the stairs?" "Don't stop when you get to the basement." "Keep straight on." "Give my regards to the earth's core." "Are you sure you can manage?" "I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress." "wasn't it?" "isn't it?" "isn't it?" "It's what marriage is all about." "I know." "I read it on the back of a matchbox." "sometimes... do you remember when we were first... manacled together?" "We used to laugh quite a lot." "Basil." "shouldn't I?" "mate." "Oh." "That was quick." "Do I get another?" "that's your lot." "Basil." "dear?" "What are we going to do?" "Give it another 15 years? or eaten it or something." "We'll get Manuel to go through the room." "Polly can check the lounge... there you are." "too." "She was counting it in here." "it's probably hers." "she's been very short lately." "I'll ask her... you can't." "You can't just ask her like that. asking someone if money is theirs." "That would be so embarrassing!" "Basil." "Fawlty Towers." "Polly Sherman?" "I'll get her straightway." "Hang on." "Polly!" "where's Polly?" "In there." " She saw you with the money!" " What?" "She saw you counting the horse money!" "dear." "Here she is." "Found her in here." "my wife would like a word with you about a slightly delicate matter." "Basil." "Don't be silly." "He thinks it's embarrassing for me to ask you about that money I saw you with earlier on in the office." "I wondered if someone had handed it in." "Mrs. Richards has lost some." "The money?" "In the office?" "weren't you?" "Did someone hand it in?" "no." "it's mine." "Yours?" "I won it." "You won it?" "On the horse Mr. Fawlty got a tip on." "I... not at all." "Polly." "I don't. why not?" "dear?" "really." "You realize how much we would've won?" "you know best." "Basil?" "dear." "14-1." "I listened in on the wireless just to make sure it had triumphed." "Polly." "Thank you." "Polly." "Mrs. Fawlty?" "What was the name of the horse?" "The name?" "Uh..." "I've gone blank." "Birdbrain!" "Birdbrain?" "that came in third." "Uh..." "Fishwife!" " What?" " No... not that." "Small..." "Fly!" "Fly!" "Flying Tart! and it's name... was Dragonfly!" "Polly." "Basil." "You'll have to sew 'em back on first." "old boy." "Major... uh... very decent of you." "Just a quick one." "Going to a memorial service." "Ah." "Major?" " What?" " For a memorial service?" "I didn't like the chap." "One of those." "Know what I mean?" "Major... could you do me a favor?" "old boy." "could you look after some money for me?" "you see?" "She goes through my pockets some nights." "absolutely." "Which horse?" "Dragonfly." " When's it running?" "it ran today." "I won that on it." "old boy." "could you keep it?" "very decent of you... you see?" "Secret." "a present." "yes." "Don't mention it." "Mum's the word." "I'll get it from you in the morning and bank it." "old boy." "Cheers." "Mr. Mackintosh." "Mr. Mackintosh." "Mr. Fawlty." "ladies." "Hello." "Fawlty Towers." "Watt!" "I didn't say anything." "Have you called the police yet?" "I'm trying to take a telephone call." "Have you called them yet?" "we have." "When are they going to be here then?" "As soon as possible." "They're very busy today." "Busy." "Humph!" "Lot of bloodshed at the Nell Gwyn Tea Rooms last night." "Hello?" "yes." "Mrs. Richards?" "Mrs. Richards!" "Sorry." "Telephone for you." " Here." " Yes?" "What's this for?" "telephone calls?" " But I haven't made any." " Uh..." "Cigarettes?" " I don't smoke." "There's nobody there." "Hello?" "I know she is." "Yes." "It's your sister!" "what is it for?" "Umm..." "Drinks?" "Drinks?" "Me?" "We've been cut off." "and I'll tell her." "Even the phones don't work." "000 for your house in Brighton." "000?" "Give it to me." "Stephanie." "and I'm not taking a penny less." "You tell him that." "Why don't people listen?" "Well?" "shall we?" "Let's enjoy ourselves." "thank you very much." "can I have it now?" "old boy?" " The money." "The money I gave you last night?" "What... what is all this about?" "You remember I gave you some money just before you went to that remembrance service?" " Remembrance service?" " Yes." "old boy." "It was for a chap you didn't like." "he was..." "one of those...?" "One of those what?" "Well..." "Pansy?" "Yes." "Which one?" "no." "You were in your best suit." "of course!" "of course! yes." "Winnie Atwell?" "Marjorie." "because she looks like Winnie." "She's not black." "Black?" "Churchill wasn't black." "I gave you £75." "You put it in there." "What do you mean by telling me you called the police?" "You've done no such thing." "Your wife's just told me you're still searching the rooms." "I thought she'd called them." "You lying hound!" "immediately." "the moment we've searched..." "Right." "I shall call them myself then." "Couldn't we just wait until..." "I've never seen such a place!" "Mrs. Richards." "Would you like to use the office phone?" "What?" "In here." "Thank you." "Basil!" "Get the key and check her room." "Right." "Fawlty!" "in my new suit!" "you see?" " Stuffed right down." " Can I have it?" "because I make a point of keeping my money in my hip pocket." "please!" "Please!" "old boy?" " Can I have it?" "of course." "it's gone!" "in there!" "Basil?" " Here it is!" " What's that?" "Mrs. Fawlty." "The money." "that's marvelous!" "Mrs. Richards!" "What?" "We found your money." "No!" "The Major's found your money." " No!" "N-nn..." " What?" "Major." "There you are." "I told you it would turn up." "Basil?" "Fawlty?" "It's £10 short." "dear." "It's not!" "£10 short?" "my God!" "we'll have a whip round!" "stop!" "What's he doing now?" "What on earth do you think you're doing?" "Mrs. Richards." "Major?" "In my pocket." "In your pocket?" "yeah." "Not this suit." "In my new suit." "Would you mind if I popped up and had a look?" "not at all." "I'll see if I can find it." "Won't be a moment." "uh..." "Did you say it was in your pocket?" "yes." "What was it doing in your pocket?" "Can I explain?" "You're not explaining anything." "You're completely loopy." "Mad as a March hare!" "I am completely loopy." "That's why I gave him the money to look after." "there's been a mistake." "That money there is in fact mine." "I was saving it up for a present for my wife. but I gave it to the Major last night..." "What rubbish!" "This is my money." "the Major will verify what I've said." "Hmm?" "old boy? for my wife's present?" "I gave it to you just before you went to the theater?" "The theater?" "Well..." "Yes." "You... you remember?" "That money I won on the horses!" "A horse?" "Why are you whispering?" "What are you saying?" "He says he won it on a horse." "Won it on a horse?" "Shh!" "It doesn't matter!" "Do you remember me giving it to you?" "think!" "Please think!" "What was the question again?" "the money!" "Do you..." "Manuel!" "Manuel!" "Manuel!" "Manuel!" "You remember I had some money yesterday?" "The money I won on the horse?" "sí." "Tell Mrs. Richards." "Tell her I had the money yesterday." "Ahem-hem!" "I know nothing." "What?" "I know nothing." "no..." " Nothing." "forget that!" "I forget everything." "I know nothing." "I cannot." "tell her!" "Tell her." "Please!" "Please!" "Tell her." "Tell her!" "or I'll kill you!" "Oh." "Ha ha!" "I know nothing." "I am from Barcelona." "I'm not listening to any more of this rubbish! I want the rest of my money." "Basil." "I can't find it." "Give her 10 from the till." "Right!" "What are you doing?" "too!" "You see?" "I know nothing." "I'm gonna send you to a vivisectionist." "Now..." "Mr. Fawlty." "Good afternoon." "You got a Mrs. Richards staying here?" "Yes. asked us to deliver it." "she left some money behind." "Keeps it in this." "95 quid." "Look." "The cleaner found it this morning." "eh?" "Is she around?" "Nope." "I'll give it to her." "Mr. Fawlty." "Goodbye." "Mm-mwah!" "We found her money!" "Where?" "She... it doesn't matter." "I'm £10 up on the deal!" "£10 up? I'm still 10 up!" "I'm ahead!" "I'm winning!" "Mrs. Richards." "How lovely to see you." "Your beautiful vase that you bought yesterday is it yours or mine?" "I told you." "It's mine." "You're absolutely sure?" "I am." " But you're still £10 short?" " Yes." "would you?" "What's that?" "This is mine." "Basil?" "It's mine." "What?" "It's the money I won on the horse." "right." "Polly asked me to put it in the safe for her." "Polly." "Mrs. Richards." "Fawlty!" "You did give me that money!" "You won it on that horse!" "Aah!" "That cost £75!" "Mrs. Richards." "We must pay you back." "There you are." "One..."