"Three, two, one..." "Ha-ha!" "CLUCKING" "So much shite and so few eggs!" "We're going to starve here." "You're pregnant." "You're meant to be eating for two, not none." "I don't think we should ask for help." "I don't think we should ask for help." "We heard." "Wow!" "We've had a call." "Will!" "No!" "SQUAWKING AND CLUCKING" "(HE GRUNTS)" "(IMITATES HEART BEAT)" "Gaba-ching." "Gaba-ching." "Caba-ching." "Caba-ching." "Caba-ching." "Gaba-ching." "Caba-ching." "Gaba-ching." "Go-go-gong." "Go-gong." "Go-gong." "Go-gong." "Yup, still can't hear a thing." "He fancied me because I was deaf." "That's just not true." "That's not true." "I didn't even know." "Well, not, you know..." "Phwoar." "Deaf bird." "No." "I met Del online." "No, let's not start it like that." "Del had an online "presence"." "No." "No." "Not, um..." "Well, um..." "I like online dating." "It cuts through the crap." "You're in or you're out, and all your vital statistics are listed for all to see." "Big." "Small." "Smaller." "Before the condom split." "Not disability dating websites." "Those exist but..." "Gabby!" "Well, how do you want to start it, then?" "Well," "I work in systems management." "Um..." "Del works in systems management." "Yeah, but..." "Look, I'm sorry." "I'm not sure I know how to... how to start this, actually." "(APRIL) Come on." "Come on, Piggy." "Along we go." "It increases her fertility, apparently." "Oh..." "Come on." "I'm coming too." "Come on." "PIG SQUEALS" "Come on!" "Come on." "Gabby..." "Walkies." "PIG GRUNTS" "Does the father not mind you being here?" "Come on, Ape." "You know me." "You'd be glad of the breather, wouldn't you?" "(APRIL LAUGHS)" "Good pig, eh?" "Dan?" "Dan?" "Are you awake?" "GULLS CRY" "SQUAWKING" "# While shepherds washed their socks by night" "# All naked on the ground... #" "The Angel of the North came down and fisted all the lambs!" "(THEY LAUGH)" "What did she say?" "We missed you at lights out, Carrie...or in my case,  during continuous and perpetual darkness." "I was sleeping under the stars." "Just communing with nature." "How was the communing?" "I see." "Arriving for work separately." "I think I can smell sex!" "(SNIFFS)" "Can you smell sex, Tom?" "(SNIFFS)" "Mmm!" "Wheelchair boy and the dwarf." "Gives us all hope." "(CARRIE) Well, you'd know about hope." "What?" "It means, I'm not the one carrying a bastard child." "Course you're not." "It wouldn't fit." "Ladies, ladies." "Let's manicure the claws, please." "Oh, no, it's not a bastard child." "That's right, it's got a father." "The mysterious Del - the one who let you come to the island carrying his child." "So, um... tell me, Carrie, did you straddle the chair, or have him on his back?" "I'm guessing straddling the chair would be easier, not to mention more fun." "Oh, Jesus, did you try sex on the hill yet?" "Rolling down the hill whilst you desperately ruck?" "Gabby!" "Gabby, enough." "What?" "These are compliments." "I love these guys - they're the future of disability." "You two will be to disability  what Barack and Michelle are to black people." "You're a...you're a disability power couple." "It's going to be brilliant." "Oh..." "Was it something I said?" "(APRIL) Dan?" "Has anyone heard his master's voice this morning?" "What, Will?" "No, he wasn't in his bed last night." "Yeah." "Big day." "It's like a fairytale, isn't it?" "Once upon a time... in a room of curtains made of rose petals and pillows made of chocolate and sofas made of marshmallow and children made of cheese," "there was a princess." "DOORBELL RINGS" "A beautiful, pregnant princess." "A princess who..." "Is it just me, or do I look like a lesbian?" "What?" "No." "There's something about my... look today." "It's very strange." "I look like a lesbian." "You're wearing a wedding veil." "I know, I don't know how I've done it." "A pregnant, disabled lesbian." "I'm a Guardian reader's wet dream." "Single mum" " I'd have the full set." "You look fine." "BIRDSONG" "Shall we tell them about the engagement?" "He's sort of proud of this..." "This is going to sound, um...um..." "But I asked her to marry me in Chieveley Service Station." "He did." "And I wanted it to be a surprise." "But I knew that she knew that I was going to ask her as soon as we arrived." "Watership Down." "We were going to..." "Like the book." "Um, I wanted to meet the rabbits." "I like rabbits." "In another life, I was a rabbit." "A rampant rabbit." "Am I going red?" "No." "Anyway, she..." "she always wanted to go there." "So one weekend I said, "Let's drive down there."" "And I knew that she knew that that meant that I was going to ask her to marry me." "No." "I had no idea." "We'd only been dating a little while." "Well, two years." "Off and on." "More off than on." "So anyway, I was..." "I was sure that she'd..." "At the time, I was really nervous." "I get quite..." "And, er..." "So, we...we stopped at Chieveley Service Station, which is..." "it's in Newbury, in Berkshire, for a coffee, and I got down on both knees..." "In Costa Coffee." "He signed and spoke it." ""Will you marry me?"" "Yes, Sarah..." "Sarah had all the food delivered this morning to prevent fridge overspill situations." "Premium coleslaw." "Everything's from the premium range." "Premium samosas." "We've got premium bread." "I didn't know you could get premium bread," "I thought bread was just, you know... bread!" "Everything..." "OK?" "That's my sister." "My... sister." "Is Gabriella...all right?" "She's fine." "OK." "Really?" "OK." "Really?" "Yes." "Sarah's a great, er...help." "Yeah, holding the..." "DOORBELL RINGS" "..wedding here wasn't my..." "That was..." "Well, Gabby wanted..." "DOORBELL RINGS" "Well, she says that registry offices are for gays, and churches are for closet gays and paedophiles or...." "What is it?" "Paedophiles and registry offices..." "Oh, I can't remember." "Anyway, it was funny when she said it." "DOORBELL" "That's her...doorbell thing." "Is someone getting that?" "DOORBELL RINGS" "Hi!" "Hi." "Are you here for the wedding?" "Yeah." "You're very early." "Yeah?" "Gab said to turn up when I..." "She, er..." "She said it was quite casual." "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "It's only two hours..." "Well, three hours." "To be honest, I was a bit worried I'd get here at all, you know." "Well, I'm Del." "I'm the groom." "Oh." "I'm Phil." "A friend of Gabby's from, er..." "Ah." "Oh, you must be the Phil that she used to..." "Yeah." "That's me." "Phil!" "Phil!" "Hey!" "(LAUGHS)" "Not supposed to see the wedding dress..." "You look great!" "Yo, tiger!" "Really?" "You look..." "Fat." "Amazing." "Pregnant!" "This is my, um..." "We've met." "Now the pre-match nerves." "So, this is the sort of situation where I'd normally call my wife." ""Gabby, Gabby." "Can you come and help me with my tie?"" "But I like the fact that it's..." "That isn't why..." "Guess who." "Yeah, just right, thanks." "Good job." "DOORBELL RINGS" "Del thinks kissing people on the nose is sexy." "(WHISPERING) I think it's vaguely perverted." "I heard that!" "Did he just say, "I heard that"?" "Did he just say, "I heard that"?" "DOORBELL RINGS" "Ow!" "(GIGGLING)" "Messiahs of the food!" "We've almost been eating each other, you know." "Uh-uh." "No, no." "Leave it." "Leave it." "So, what are we today?" "A doctor or an extra handicap?" "You know I'm not allowed to talk to you, Gabby." "(GABBY) Oh, lie back and think of England, is it?" "There's something quite sexy about the surgical glove, isn't there?" "I bet you probably get women hitting on you all the time, don't you?" "You're a doctor." "You're not hideously unattractive." "You look like you might be quite dirty in bed." "Throw a girl around a bit." "Am I right?" "Hello!" "Have a good rummage." "There you go." "Actually, I lost a biro up there once, so if you find that..." "You're really not going to say anything to me, are you?" "You know, your beside manner's not up to much, Dr Ship-man." "I think you should come back to the mainland with me." "I bet you say that to all the girls before you inject them with Rohypnol." "You're very advanced for 30 weeks." "Nah, I'm just fat." "It's not all baby." "Look, that bit's creme brulee." "Why take unnecessary risks?" "Look, I'm not due till I get home." "You've seen the family history." "We don't like leaving the womb." "My mum was two weeks late, she had to be induced." "I'll be fine." "You've got nothing to prove, you know." "(CARRIE) Glorious food!" "What are these?" "Sweets!" "Pineapple chunks." "Oh!" "Mmm!" "Sweets!" "And there are sweets." "Sweets!" "Lotsof little golden sweets." "Really?" "Oh, wow!" "This is amazing." "(DAN) April!" "I can't find Will anywhere." "What's up?" "What's up?" "I said, Will's gone." "(CARRIE) Ooh, pasta!" "(TOM) Really?" "Under your elbow." "THUNDER RUMBLES" "Is April back yet?" "No." "He wouldn't have done anything stupid, would he?" "He's not that considerate." "Right, what do we do next?" "Right, what do we do next?" "What you cacking on about now?" "What do we do?" "Wait for April." "And when she comes back, and he's still missing?" "Then we go and find him, Scooby!" "Always time for a joke, isn't there?" "I thought you were the funny one." "I like to think I have my moments too." "Did you find him?" "No." "Where did you look?" "Where he camped that time he got angry about the toilet rota." "(LAUGHING) That was weird." "Look, he's just off doing his wild-man-of-the-woods routine, kicking the crap out of some sand or something." "(SLOWLY) We've got to look for him prop-er-ly." "Why?" "Cos we don't know where their line is." "A broken leg." "Cold setting in." "They'd probably think of it as another fucking challenge." "(DAN) Let's do this." "You're in charge now." "There's five of us." "If four take the sides of the island and one stay in the middle..." "Er, correction." "Four." "I'll go back to the shelter and be base contact, if that's all right." "I don't know why it is, I've just never been that great at searching." "(CHUCKLING)" "OK." "Cheers, Dan." "Split up." "I'll go here, you go..." "Will!" "(GABBY) Dick-head!" "THUNDER RUMBLING" "Will!" "(APRIL) Will!" "(GABBY) I've got it here somewhere." "Got it." "Oh!" "It'll be excruciating." "Oh..." "What?" "What?" "DOORBELL RINGS" "It'll be fucking horrible." "I had to make him write it." "First kiss." "He was my first kiss." "Was...was I your first kiss?" "He hit my cheek!" "He leaned in and sort of..." "tongued my cheek." "It was funny." "(PHIL LAUGHS) Mad!" "I haven't seen you in..." "Yeah, it...it's been a while." "And then e-mailing." "He starts sending me loads of funny e-mails." "I like e-mails." "Pardon?" "I like e-mailing." "It's like internet dating without the pressure." "(WHISPERS) Phil's married." "I am." "Here!" "Ah!" "Here!" ""Dear Gobby, happy birthday!"" ""Dear Gobby, happy birthday!" Shoot me now!" "It's in big handwriting." ""I am writing this very loudly, because I know you can't hear well."" "And then, in capitals, "I LOVE YOU, GOBBY!"" "Do your deaf voice." "Do your impression of me." "Do your impression of me." "DOORBELL RINGS" "Go on." "Do your deaf voice." "He used to do it all the time when we were at school." "We used to have whole conversations when" "I was first starting to lose my hear..." "I was first starting to lose my hear..." "Yeah...that was a long time ago." "So...are your mum and dad coming today?" "No." "How are they?" "Mum's dead." "Dad, I imagine, is still a cunt." "You really don't look how I expected you to." "What were you expecting?" "I really thought..." "I really thought you'd be bald." "(SNORTS)" "You thought I'd be bald?" "!" "You always put so much shit in your hair." "Besides, isn't that a thing for ca...for half-castes?" "Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa!" "For half-castes?" "!" "Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa!" "For half-castes?" "!" "Balding?" "What century are you from?" "I am what I am." "You are what you are." "You're dangerous." "I am." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Oh..." "Sarah, were you surprised when you met Gabby?" "I was a bit surprised, I suppose." "But then you're always surprised when you meet any... any of your brother's girlfriends." "LAUGHING NEXT DOOR" "The one before Gabriella was a vegan...which makes..." "I had to get rice milk in every time they came for..." "HORN PEEPS" "Dad loves her." "Totally adores her." "Well, best get on." "RING-PULL POPS" "Nice garden." "Yes." "It's going to look really nice." "It's going to look really nice." "Yes." "Really nice." "So, er, you and Gabriella have known each other for a long time?" "Yeah." "You smoke a lot." "(EXHALES)" "Yeah, I do." "Best get on." "Great." "Yes." "MAN:" "So...  ..just to remind you, really, it's "I will", not "I do"." ""I will."" "It may sound like pedantry, but that's the way it's written in the..." "Thank you." "That's the way it's written in The Book Of Common Prayer, and I do think it makes a good deal more sense." "Yeah." "Completely understand, don't we?" "It does make more sense." "Rings ready, are they?" "Er, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "And we'll be marrying outside, will we?" "Yeah, weather permitting." "Er, your father will walk you down towards the, um...?" "What was that, sorry?" "(MORE LOUDLY) Your father will walk you down towards the...?" "My father's not coming." "Who will be walking you down the aisle?" "Ah." "LOUD COUGHING OUTSIDE" "(GABBY) Will!" "Will!" "Will!" "Will!" "Is there someone there?" "WINGS FLAPPING" "Will?" "Will..." "I'm scared." "(DAN) Will!" "If you're there...!" "Mmm!" "I have decided that I'm in charge of catering, because no-one else is here and I am bored." "I just have to be careful not to get any of this lovely food over my lovely wedding dress." "But aided as I am by my lovely assistant," "Ainsley Harriott, I'm sure I won't." "No, you will not." "I can't believe you thought I'd be bald!" "Entirely." "You know, you're not what I expected, either." "Am I not?" "No." "You were always so wild, I thought..." "I thought you'd end up dead in the canal, or... ..Mayor of London, one or the other" " I'm not sure." "But you're here, nice man, nice marriage, nice...home, nice you." "What's wrong with that?" "What's wrong with that?" "Nice." "Nothing." "Nothing." "It's ace - it's just not how I imagined." "You were so independent." "But you seem very relaxed, which is...good." "I think most people probably get a bit nervous, because... because it's such a big deal." "But it's good that you're not." "I am nervous." "He makes me happy." "He makes me safe." "Yeah, whatever." "(LAUGHS)" "You are so out of order!" "What?" "!" "It's the cops!" "I'm handling catering." "You're in your wedding dress!" "It's my brother's wedding day." "It's my wedding day." "Just let me do the catering." "Just let me do the catering." "I think my tinnitus is starting." "DOOR SHUTS" "(SIGHS)" "# MOZART:" "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, 4th movement" "Hello, mate." "You all right?" "Good luck, mate." "Good luck, mate." "Thanks." "Hi." "How are you doing?" "DOORBELL RINGS" "TOILET FLUSHES" "Maybe best not to stick that in their faces as soon as they arrive." "This is a wedding day, after all." "Oh, it's the neighbours." "Hello, have we met?" "(MAN) Hello." "Oi." "That's not gonna be good for the baby!" "My mum smoked crack all the way through her pregnancy, and I turned out OK, didn't I?" "That's debatable." "Why did you come here today?" "Cos you invited me." "You're married." "You're wearing a wedding dress." "You've been drinking!" "Sorry, Del." "I think you should go." "Gabby?" "Yes." "Right." "No." "No." "No." "No." "No." "Not fair." "Not fucking fair!" "Hiding out behind the fucking bike sheds?" "!" "Slow down!" "I can't lip-read you." "It's all just so fucking juvenile!" "Please!" "Please." "Sign or look at me, please." "Please." "I love you." "I love you." "Really?" "Oh, God." "Well, go on - shout." "More shouting." "Call me a spastic." "You're so beautiful." "Yeah." "I knew you'd say something like that." "It's not just about him, is it?" "What?" "This." "It's not about Phil." "Right?" "Oh...no." "He's a bit of a wanker, to be honest with you." "I know how to make you happy." "Is that it?" "Yes." "Del, you should be shouting at me!" "What's the point?" "Decide what you want to do, Gabby." "I'll be waiting for you." "(SOBS)" "Fuck!" "MUSIC PLAYS DOWNSTAIRS" "DOOR SLAMS" "Nice to meet you." "Shall I take your coat for you?" "Oh, thank you." "Hello." "Can I take that for you?" "Thank you so much." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Why do you keep filming me?" "It's not me getting married." "RINGING" "Excuse me." "That's the potato wedges." "MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH" "I think he just wanted to... shag me on my wedding day." "He was that kind of..." "No." "Actually, I think it was more complicated than that." "(SNIFFS)" "Will!" "Will?" "You're... you're pissing us all off." "(GASPS)" "(PANTS)" "Shit!" "Will!" "(SCREAMS)" "Will!" "Are you OK?" "Where the fuck have you been?" "!" "You absolute cock!" "Oh, shit!" "It's coming again." "Christ, you're heavy." "Argh!" "Argh!" "This picking-up thing, it's not working." "Help!" "Help!" "Will!" "Carrie." "I just..." "Go look for Will." "I'm sorry about this morning." "I can't do this." "Do what?" "Be part of your "journey"." "Hang on!" "I can't teach you, help you." "Fuck off!" "I... caring, kind, considerate." "Youarepatient, caring, kind and..." "God!" "I know you'll start talking about the "disabled community"" "at some point and I just..." "I'm too disabled for you?" "No." "I don't know." "You're definitely too something." "I'm too disabled?" "No." "Fuck you, anyway." "WILL:" "Help!" "Will!" "Keep going, Carrie!" "This is a scan of a baby." "Ourbaby." "Our baby." "Our baby, and, um..." "Our baby." "I didn't know what to do!" "I couldn't..." "What?" "I didn't know what to do!" "Is she bleeding?" "I don't know." "She's just over here." "Here!" "Yeah, she's bleeding." "(SCREAMS)" "OK, Gabby." "It's OK." "Oh, great!" "Who's gonna deliver the baby?" "The man with no arms or the woman the size of a baby?" "!" "OK." "Lots of water." "Somebody get some water." "Some fucking water." "Some fucking water." "Fuck off!" "Some fucking water." "Fuck off!" "No, you're doing great." "She's only 30 weeks." "36!" "I lied!" "Oh, God." "All right." "(SCREAMS)" "Is it something you've always wanted to do - have children?" "Mmm." "Totally." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, I mean..." "Yeah..." "I think so." "(SCREAMS)" "You enjoyed that, didn't you?" "Of course I didn't fucking enjoy it, you stupid fucking finger man!" "Of course I didn't fucking enjoy it, you stupid fucking finger man!" "No." "One more." "One more." "One more." "(SCREAMS)" "(SOBS)" "Once upon a time... ..there was a princess..." "..who was a witch." "Who was a witch and a goblin... ..and she was cursed... ..and everything she touched broke." "And so she had to run away." "# VIVALDI:" "The Four Seasons" " Autumn" "(SNIFFS)" "That would be a terrible thing to do, wouldn't it?" "Awful." "Funny, in a way." "But...awful." "Awful." "(SNIFFS)" "KNOCKING" "SARAH:" "Gabriella?" "Are you...?" "We are on a schedule, so..." "Oh, sorry." "You can't hear that, can you?" "Or that, in fact." "Um..." "OK, I'm coming in." "CAR ALARM WARBLES" "# VIVALDI:" "The Four Seasons" " Spring" "Yes?" "Um...what do you think?" "What, organising?" "What, organising?" "Yeah." "I suppose it is..." "Mostly it's me that organises things." "I disorganise things." "(LAUGHS)" "That's quite true, actually.Yeah." "That's quite true, actually.Yeah. Yeah." "She does her best to unpick my arrangements whenever she can." "I do what?" "You unpick my arrangements." "She doesn't mean to." "BABY CRIES" "She looks OK." "SheisOK." "She's beautiful." "I want her to be..." "I dunno." "She's beautiful." "You'rebeautiful, Gabby." "You are.Beautiful." "I'm shaking!" "My arms are really shaking, look." "Don't let me drop it." "No, no." "I won't." "Don't let me drop her!" "Don't let me drop her!" "I won't." "Have you thought of a name for her yet?" "What?" "What?" "A name." "No." "No, no name." "Not yet."