"Previously on Californication." " My name's Hank." " I know." "This is Mia, Bill's daughter." "And this is Hank." " She's 16." " 16." " Need to tell you something." " Ok." "it's not a memoir." "It's a written account of my sexual relationship with you." "Written by me, as a fucking novel." "The publishing world knows you as this brilliant trainwreck." "Let everyone else see." "Abby here is the best there is at defending the unjustly accused." " Hank Moody?" " Fuck." "What now?" "You've been charged with statutory rape." "I'm not going to sleep with you." " Hank." " Mia." " Ok." " Sasha Bingham is America's sweetheart." "How about you rewrite the script that I loathe?" "Let me handle this." "You convince your client to take this job, and you can have your old job back." "When you had some notes..." "you really had some fucking notes." "How was it like?" "The punch." "There's only one way to find out." "You wanna give it a shot?" "I couldn't sleep last night." "My mind was racing and that couch of yours is no fucking help, whatsoever." "it's like a medieval fucking torture device." " I was touching your penis, Hank." " I know, Marce." "Felt good too, you give a nice tugjob." "She does, doesn't she?" "When she's motivated." "It's a lost art really." "Oh shit, I think I'm gonna puke!" "Did you guys fuck?" " Gross!" " Gross!" "Hey!" "What do you mean gross?" "Fuck you you fucking pedophile, whats so gross about fucking me?" "Nothing, Marce." "You know I'd throw a shot into you." "Anytime." " Oh Christ, make it stop." " That's it!" "All you do is mope around the house all day in your underwear." "You're on notice." "Consider you ass kicked to the curb." "Marce, I got no place to go." "Karen won't have me, Becca won't have me," "The world thinks I am this degenerate scumbag." "I am out on bail second time this week." "You are my two and only friends left in the world." "C'mon." "Love me." " Hank needs some sugar." " God..." "I'm game if you guys are." "Fucking animals!" "Damn, would it kill you to put some goddamn clothes on!" "So I like to sleep in the raw now big whoop, what do you care?" "Get a load of Florence Olivier." " I don't look that bad, do I?" " No way, Charlie, no." "You look good." "Like a baby." "Like a big sexy baby." "Thank you." " Good luck today, buddy." " Thank you." " Who knows maybe get some writing done." " Fuck you." "Love you too." "Hello, old friend." "You're looking quite well." "Much better." "C'mon." "Yeah, I'm on my way.." "Uh-huh." "Just picking up old blackey here." "Yeah." " Me?" "Oh I'm.." "I'm OK." " Ok." "As good as can be expected under the circumstances, and you?" " I was gonna check out the..." " Excellent!" "How about Becca?" "Cool!" "Glad to hear that." "Give her a kiss from me." "Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any jumper cables, would ya?" "No, I get it." "Just keep on walking." "I know, I ruined your life and all and I couldn't be more sorry about it, but..." "I gotta get across town to my attorney's office where lateness is frowned upon." "I caught that?" "You wouldn't have looked if you didn't care." "You should care, you know." "Bleeding here feeling a little faint." "Look, I don't hope to get back into your good graces anytime soon." "Ok, ever." "I just hope that maybe one day I can sit down across from you look you in the eye and talk to you and explain to you what happened." "Until then, I'll settle for seeing our daughter who I miss dearly." "She still has a father, you know?" "Even if her mother hates his guts." "Yeah." "Well, what happens if she hates your guts too?" "Hey you, lady lawyer." " Where you going?" " I have a meeting." " I thought we had a meeting." " We did." "But you're 45 minutes late." "So I'm moving on to my next meeting." " Fuck fuck.." "Alright." " So much late." "And rude." " Ok." " And inconsiderate of other peoples' time." " I'm sorry." " No, don't be." "It's your life." "I was just.." "I had this thing with my family." "Three years, Hank." "What?" "What.." "Three years what?" "That's the maximum sentence for unlawful sexual intercourse." "Three years... state prison." "Yes, but I thought we were all going ho about making sure it dint go down that way." "Well that's really my plan, because I am a cocky fucking attorney and this is a great case for me." "But if you insist upon dicking around and wasting my time," "I'll be happy to see you rot in jail." "What the fuck do I care?" "Here's another entitled smartass who thinks it's OK to fuck a teenager." "Ok." "No no, I don't think it's OK." "I think it's wrong." "Sick and wrong." "And yet you fucked a teenager." "C'mon, I thought we covered this." "I didn't know how old she was, She set me up." "Ok." "It doesn't matter." "The DA is looking to make an example of you." "Statutory rape is a big fucking deal here, in the golden state." "Who knew?" "Maybe no one was hurt in your case." "I was hurt." "She punched me." "Maybe it was all just good dirty fun." "But there is probably some creep out there... who's gonna think twice before banging the babysitter because he just read about the Hollywood asshole who's doing serious time for sticking his dick in some underage pussy." "Hey." "Can you say it louder?" " Because I don't think they heard you." " Yeah... yeah I think you need to hear me." "I get it." "Ok, from now on till the preliminary hearing, just.. behave yourself." " Stay out of trouble." " Yes." "Yes, ma'am." "Ok?" "With any luck, I'll convince the judge there's not enough of a case to take it to trial." "And if you can't?" "Then it's time we make a deal." "Do some horse trading." "That can be fun too." "You really love this shit, huh?" "Don't tell anyone I told you, but..." "Sometimes even better than sex." " Wow." " Safer too." "You must not like sex very much." "No, see that's where you are wrong." "I love sex." "You trying to turn me on, lady lawyer?" "Oh please..." "I am obviously far too old for you." "No, see, that's where you're wrong." "I like me and mature women." "Gross feet, stretch marks, nipple hair." "I dig that, I dig it all." "Love that shit." "Not that you have any of that shit...stuff..." " I'm gonna go now." " Yeah." "Thank you." " It's coming." " What?" "My fucking period." "I'll alert the media." "My tits are so sore, I'm crampy as hell." "And I'm throwing up in my mouth all day long." "Nice." "You're probably preggers." "I mean, you are quite a slut." "Fuck you." "I'm too old to sustain life, and too bitter too." "If sperm would enter my pretty little vajuju, and my cold black heart would kill that shit dead son." "Go away." "Can you please do something about that fucking Hank?" "What?" "You want me to put out a hit on him or..." "Yes." " Seriously." " Marcy, he's not my problem." " The guy is fucking miserable." " Yeah." " He's making my life miserable, all right?" " I know." "Isn't it bad enough that I have that pasty little man-child ex-husband of mine under foot all the time?" "C'mon!" "You gotta let him see Becca." "He needs a fix." "It'll do them both some good." "I don't know, you know, I don't know." "I'll think about it." "What page you on?" "Don't add up to the nearest ten." "I know your tricks." "Been kind of busy, assholio." "Of course, of course, but you started right?" "I mean..." "You typed "fade in"?" "Charlie, I haven't even had time to read the draft they don't like." "Hank." "You're deal is closed." "it's OK to start writing." "You said you wanted to do this." "Yes, that was before I became Hank Moody statutory rapist." "Doesn't exactly inspire one to sit in front of the typers." "Hey, hey." "This kind of ballyhoo dint stop Polanski, did it?" "No." "The man banged out script after script." "Movie after movie." "He won himself nice little academy award too, didn't he?" "Comparing me to the worlds most infamous fan of underage girls is not the way to start a pep talk, Charlie." "Are you forgetting about R. Kelly?" "Jerry Lee Lewis!" "There's another one." "Shit he married one." "I think she was his cousin too." "That's kind of hot." "If you say so." "Work with me here, Hank." "Hi." "Hi!" "Hi." "Hug?" "Too soon." "Fair enough." "So you... you wanna go for a walk or something?" "You hungry?" "You wanna go down to strand, you want to get ice cream or something?" "Not really." "Is there anything you wanna do?" "Particularly?" "Anything you need?" "C'mon Becca, I'm dying here." "I need guitar strings." "Ok." "I can help with that." "Definitely." "We, we... can get on it..." "let's do this." "C'mon." "Is that OK, Karen?" "As long as you come straight back." "it's not like I'm gonna run for the border." "I don't know what you're capable of nowadays." "I'll be in the car." "Thank you, Karen." "I know... how hard this must be for you." "Do you?" "That sounds good, Jeff Becca." "It sounds pretty good." "What?" "You've been practicing." "Yeah." "Well, it's something to do." "It doesn't have to be this hard, Becca." "Shouldn't it be hard?" "I mean, isn't that what pretty much happens after the final straw?" "It's impossible to make things go back to the way they were?" "You like that guitar?" "What's not to like." "It's a classic." "Well, let's get it then." "No way, it's too expensive." "You wanna take the instrument seriously you need a serious instrument." "C'mon." "Whatever, I don't want it, save your money." "For a lawyer." "We'll take this one." "Thank you." "That's one hell of a fiddle." "You're really a wild lucky girl." "That's me, a lucky girl." "You'll thank me one day." "It came up declined, sir." " Try it again?" " Yeah." "That's actually been doing this all day." "I'm sorry, man, it's declined." "Hey, you know, no worries, man." "I could set this thing aside for you." " No." " Get your card sorted out." "Won't be necessary." "She's got talent, your kid, by the way." "Great talent, man." "Lot of soul." "Yeah, she sure does." "Hey, you forgot these." "Honey, I love you." "Right." "Ok." "Cool." "We'll see you there." "What?" "Are you kidding?" "This is great news." "Yeah." "Ok." "Good." "No, no, no, no, no." "Pants on, buddy boy." "We got ourselves a meeting." "Fuck that." "I've had a shit fucking day." "My pants are off." "I'm just gonna sit here, make good in snooker and watch my stories." "Can you make me some dinner?" "How about I buy you some dinner?" "Oh... could we go to Long John Silver?" "I used to love that place when I was a kid." "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about right now." "But I have some very good news." "Eddie Nero wants to sit down." " Why?" " Whyyyyy?" "Because he wants to play you dumbass in the movie." "No, I hate that fuck, that self satisfied prick." "I'm holding out for Keithel." "When in doubt, call in the bad lieutenant." "Plus the guy loves to show his dong." "Gotta love that in a thespian." "We'll put him on the list." "C'mon, c'mon, you'll have a good time." "C'mon, here we go." " Will there be alcoholic beverages?" " Most def." "Most def." "As many as you like." "And.." "I'm sure there will be kind words and flattery." "Can we stop at an inout on the way?" " Yes." "Hank." "We can stop..." " Yayyyyy!" "Let's go." "Let's go." "Pants up." "Becca hates me, Charlie." "She'll get over it, buddy boy." "We all do." " So is there a script?" " Fuck, no." " But he's getting close." " Ish." "Hopefully it'll give you a sizable boner when I am done." "Thank you." " You know what I like about you, Moody?" " No, what's that?" "You're handsome." "Well aren't you the charmer." "Most writers aren't handsome." "They're usually pale, sun starved, man titted, little weaklings like you friend here." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Always whining about the words, if it ain't on the page it ain't on the stage." "Fuck that!" "You know what I say?" "If it ain't on the stage, there ain't nobody showing up at the goddamn motherfucking theater anyway." "Listen to classical music?" "Listen to motherfucking jazz." "Got me?" "No." "You represent everything I hate," "But I do find you highly entertaining." "Continue, please." "You're a fucking man." " You understand the dark side." " I do?" "You've seen some shit." "The handsome man, comes with a prize." "It's a burden." "And you understand that." "And plus, the motherfucking dark side," "You know you wanna go!" "You know you do!" "Like a sex machine." "You hear this guy?" "Bible's the truth!" " Excuse me?" " What?" "I was agreeing with you, Eddie." "I'm a big fan, by the way." " Big fan." " Keep quiet, little boy." "Just sit back and nod and drink your fucking girly cocktail." "You know what I'd like to do to you?" "I'd like to shoot you in the dick with a paintball gun." "And watch you scream like a 14 year old fat girl." "No place for you in man's world." "Fucking suit." "Ruining everything." "Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, what's with the fucking mood swings?" "Be nice to my friend, the countryman." "Have a fucking drink." "Psycho..." "To hard cocks!" "And handsome men." "Alright." "Cheers." "C'mon, goldilocks." "Excuse me." "I see a girl that I had defecated on Palm Springs once." "Hey, guys, I'm sorry I'm late." "Where's Eddie going?" "He saw somebody he pooped on once." "Sweet." "So what do we think?" "Do you think he'd be a good Hank?" "We think he's pretty much fucking insane that's what we think." "Speak for yourself." "I thought he was very compelling." "He's cupping your junk, you find that compelling, did you?" "I did." "It was very intense." "You can see why the man has an Oscar." "Hey, you know I never did finish giving you my notes." "Oh, yeah, I think you did." "No, pretty sure I didn't." "Well, guess what, I'm not taking any more notes." "I'm full." "So there." "Your client's being very naughty." "I think you should send him to my room without any supper." "Charlie, this can't be worth at all for a stupid fucking movie that'll probably turn out to be worse than the last one." "The odds are against us, my friend, always." "What're you gonna do?" "Get a real job?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Sasha Bingham?" " Hey, hello." " Hello!" "You are... pretty naked under that thing, aren't you?" "You're pretty good at stating the obvious." "You know, I gotta be honest with you," "I don't think that we can continue to do... stuff," "Stuff... stuff of physical nature." "Oh, why is that, you don't enjoy yourself?" "No, no I'm sure, it was stars," "Just that I don't remember much after the K.O." "You know, but the sex is always pretty good." " Pretty good?" " Yeah, you know like pizza, or Mexican food or sushi even." "No, sushi is pretty high on mass." "Is this like a technique of yours, you know where you insult the girl so she'll want you even more?" "Because it's totally working." "Yeah, it's just that I'm.." "I'm in a hell of a lot of trouble these days." "Yeah, this whole statutory rape thing is pretty fucked up." "Totally." "It is kind of hot though too..." "You know, knowing that I slept with a criminal." " Alleged criminal!" "Thank you very much..." " Ah, yes." "Speaking of that bit of unpleasantness, the rape, not our physical union, it's probably not the best time to be getting involved with the actress who's gonna play the girl who I raped... allegedly." "I get what you're saying, but that doesn't mean I don't want one or more of your fingers in my vagina right now." " Why you have to talk to me like that?" " Talk like what?" "It just makes it... kinda hard to... clink clearly." "Yes, guess it does it make it kinda hard." " Shit!" " No, I can do better." "No, no, no, the door." "Shit, shit, shit, Eddie Niro." "Hold on, Eddie!" "What does that douchebag want?" "He want us to talk about the project, I told him he could stop by, but I did not think he would." " I'll go then, I'll just leave." " You don't mind?" "No I don't mind, I mean, maybe I should, but" "I think I'm just too tired to figure that out, so, yeah I'm good." "Hey, actually just uh.. just hide in the bathroom, OK?" "Hide in the bathroom?" "Why do I have to hide?" "Because I don't want him to know you're here, duh?" " Duh?" " Yeah." "Look, the secret to being a successful Hollywood actress, is projecting the vibe that everyone you work with has a shot at fucking you." "That's the secret?" "You mean to tell me you wouldn't fuck Eddie Niro?" "One of the greatest actors in present generation... allegedly?" "No, I would, he's hot, that's just not the point." " He poops on people." " Just hide in the bathroom, OK?" "Yeah, I'm gonna go get rid of him, go downstairs for a drink." "How do I look?" "Good enough to shit on." "Would it kill you to put on a bra?" "Ooooohhh.... are you jealous?" " No?" " No!" "I don't know, it's just that..." "I just had one or more fingers inside you, and I don't know where you come from but the way I was raised, that's pretty intimate." "Thirteen!" "To my dear beautiful daughter." "I'm writing you a letter, that's right, a good old fashioned letter." "It's a lost art really, like handjobs..." "Shit." "I have a confession to make:" "I didn't like you very much at first" "You were just this little annoying little blob," "You smelled nice, most of the time." "But you didn't seem to have much interest in me." "Which of course I found vaguely insulting." "It was just you and your mom against the world, funny how somethings never change." "So I cruised along, doing my thing, acting the fool, not really understanding how being a parent changes you." "And I don't remember the exact moment everything changed." "I just know that it did." "One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me, the next my heart was somehow beating outside my chest, exposed to the elements." "Loving you has been the most profound, intense and painful experience of my life." "In fact it's been almost too much to bear." "As your father, I made a silent vow to protect you from the world." "Never realised I was the one who would end up hurting you the most." "When I flash forward my heart breaks." "Mostly because I can't imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride." "How could you?" "Your father is a child in a man's body, he cares for nothing and everything at the same time." "Noble in thought weak in action." "Something has to change, something has to give." "It's getting dark, too dark to see."