"Ahh-agh!" "(Grunts vigorously)" "Hey, John." "How you going, mate?" "Jeez, sounds like one of those Russian birds out there." "(Grunts vigorously) Oop." "Match point." "Ha!" "(Pops mouth) Oh!" "(Woman grunts) (Pops mouth) Oh!" "(Pants)" "Deckchairs!" "Declan!" "(Panting) Hey." "Hi!" "Yeah..." "It's me." "Tess." "Tess." "Roland's ex." "Yeah." "Hey." "You probably don't recognise me because you were always staring at my tits." "What..." "No, no, hey." "Hey, Tess." "No, I never, um..." "I mean..." "What's going on with you?" "You still selling pussies for a living?" "Ha-ha, yeah." "Yeah, yeah, still own the pet shop." "Got a girlfriend?" "Uh, yeah, uh, and-and not..." "no, at the moment, no." "When was the last time you had sex?" "That's a bit personal." "Fuck, Dex, I'm not Facebook." "It's a private conversation." "I know." "You know..." "You should take me out." "Wouldn't that be a bit weird?" "Oh, so it's OK for you to stare at my rack, but you can't buy me dinner." "No, no, I mean, Roland's a mate." "And you and him used to be together." "I swear I do not have a thing for him anymore." "OK, well, would we tell Roland?" "Well, yeah, yeah, I guess that would be the polite thing to do." "Sure." "OK." "Anyway, well, let us know how you go." "Right." "Uh..." "Well, I don't even have your number." "Oh, Roland's got it." "Get it off him." "Agh!" "Yes!" "Thanks." "Good game, Sue." "Oh." "Certainly gave her a lesson in tennis." "That'll learn her for trying to get out and stay active." "Oh, she'll be right." "She just needs to work on her crosscourt forehand." "Still, you do hit a very good ball." "Oh, you're very kind." "No, no." "I'm still only at 80% at the moment." "Just coming back from a torn quad." "I haven't seen you since you and Gin... you know." "How are you?" "Oh, you know, time wounds all heals." "Oh, it's been a bit over three months now." "Hey, you and I, we should have a hit sometime." "Yeah." "Yeah, oh, maybe." "Do you think Gin would mind?" "I don't know." "You might be right." "I just don't want to bugger up any friendships." "Well, you could chat to her." "Might be simpler coming from you." "It's not as if we're going to a sleazy hotel." "No, not sleazy, no." "We're not gonna go and..." "Maybe we could catch a movie." "Yes." "Um..." "I'm sick of going to the movies with my nephew as a date." "Yeah, I'll ask her." "(Hungarian accent) Peter Lorre, of course, was very good friends with my grandfather." "In fact, he came to see every single vun of his productions whenever he voz in town." "Wow, yeah, it's cool, it's cool." "But tonight is opening night and time is ticking on the clock, so vot can I do for you?" "I hope you don't vont your old apartment back." "Oh, no, no, no." "Just checking in, really." "Nothing specific." "Good, because I've already leased it out to a belly dancer." "She is an elderly woman." "I have no idea how she makes enough money." "Uh, there was one thing I just..." "like, was thinking - do you... do you mind..." "would you mind if I was to ask Tess out on a date?" "Tess?" "Yeah, Tess." "Uh, Tess..." "Tessa..." "Tessica?" "You know, like Jess is short for Jessica." "I raised Tess like a little baby bird in my hands." "I mentored her, I taught her everything she knows today." "And of course, inevitably, we became lovers, as you are well aware." "So, would it be OK?" "I just wasn't sure if you still had feelings." "No, I channel all my feelings into the theatre these days, Deckchair." "(Clicks fingers) In fact, why don't you do zis?" "Why don't you and Tess come along to the new show this evening?" "I..." "That would probably just be a bit weird." "No, I don't think so." "This my way of saying that you have my blessing." "You know, it's not as if I'm in it or anything." "My acting days are well and truly behind me, you know." "I have just written, directed, produced and choreographed and scored it." "I have also designed ze sets." "Well, I mean, if you don't think it would be awkward, then..." "No, no, no, no." "Small children are awkward." "Zis is not awkward, Deckchair." "In fact, let me give you a little piece of advice, if I may." "Tess loves it ven you do zis." "You do zis, it's like her whole face is an erogenous zone." "So you do that..." "OK, and the nose." "..at the end, she will be yours tonight, I think, my friend, eh?" "(Chuckles) OK. (Chuckles)" "But perhaps I have said too much." "No, no." "No?" "Just enough?" "Just enough." "Thanks, Roland." "Thank you." "Now, if you will excuse me, I must rewrite Carly Simon's You're So Vain in order to avoid being sued by solicitors for breach of copyright." "Absolutely." "Thanks very much, Roland." "Really appreciate it, mate." "Thank you, thank you." "Oh, um... sorry, just one last thing." "Um... do you have her number?" "Oh, gosh!" "I'm sorry." "I am not normally like this." "It's just today would've been Kane and I's one year anniversary." "And I booked these bloody rock-climbing vouchers months ago." "That is sad." "Do you know he doesn't even come around for break-up sex?" "I mean, what sort of guy doesn't reach out for break-up sex?" "Hey, I bumped into Kane at the tennis club." "Who was he there with?" "Actually, you know what?" "I don't want to know." "The thought of him with someone else, just... oh!" "Yeah, what about him with someone else?" "What if they were a really nice person?" "No!" "He could be dating bloody Mother Teresa's great-granddaughter for all I care, it would still make me want to be fuckin' sick." "Mother Teresa was a nun, so that..." "I know." "It's ridiculous." "(Sighs) I know I've got to move on." "Gin, I hope what I'm about to say doesn't affect our friendship, but... when I saw Kane at the tennis club," "I couldn't help but feel... ..that you could do so much better." "Really?" "Yeah." "I mean, grow up, Kane, right?" "I mean, he doesn't even have his driver's licence." "And wasn't he wearing a watermelon on his head when you first met?" "Yeah." "But I thought that was really cute and funny at the time." "Was it, though?" "In fact, there's this guy at the tennis club." "He's French." "Like, if you haven't dated a Frenchman, you should." "It'll be totally worth it." "You should take the Frenchman rock climbing." "If he's so perfect, why aren't you dating Frenchie?" "Don't worry about me." "I'm here for you." "It's all about you, Virginia." "So, Gin was, like, totally fine with all this." "Yeah." "Yeah." "And she actually looked really good." "In fact, she was talking about some French dude she was hooking up with, going rock climbing or something." "Ah, cool." "Well, I think you're really going to enjoy this film." "I hope you don't mind, but it's a bit of an arty-farty French one." "Kind of like Gin's new bloke." "The last movie I went to was Turbo with my nephew and I did think, 'Can we move on from animals doing extraordinary things?" "'" "But it was actually pretty good." "Well, rest assured, there will be no turbo-charged snails in this one." "It did take out the big prize at Cannes in 1973." "Homme De La Chaleur." "Which I think roughly translates to 'at home at the chalet'." "Mm, chalet." "Fancy." "Yeah, I think it's set in the snow." "DECLAN:" "I'm not sure about this." "Oh, I'll put your keys in my bag." "Oh, no, it's OK, I can put them in my pocket." "An ex-boyfriend, not Roland, punctured his scrotum by sitting down on a fold-out bed with his keys still in his pocket." "I had to drive him to the ER." "That's where I met Roland." "Your scrotum, your call." "And now...!" "(Screams)" "(Shouts) (Giggles)" "# OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC" "Cowabunga, dude!" "This is gonna be da bomb!" "Oh, yeah." "Well, this is good." "Actually, I really did enjoy, um, listening to you grunting." "(Chuckles) It's so embarrassing." "Why would you be embarrassed?" "I mean, truth be told, it was... it was kind of sexy." "Like a mating call on the African savanna." "(Throaty trill)" "(Pops mouth) Ahh!" "(Laughs)" "(Pops mouth) Ohh..." "It's not like that." "You make it sound orgasmic, when, in actual fact, they are two different noises." "But, hey, look, seeing as this is, like, kind of a first date of sorts and we both are in the totes awkward position of having a relationship with 'you know who'" " Gin - um, I was thinking maybe we should get this out of the way." "Get the kiss out of the way early?" "Personally, I was thinking about just not talking about Gin anymore." "But that was way, way superior." "Oh, shit, I'm sorry." "No, no, don't be sorry." "Well, now I'm sweating." "So, how long did you live under Roland's Hungarian landlord dictatorship?" "Um... it was four very interesting years." "And that's not including any of the ones I repressed." "Uh..." "I saw his ad out the front of Grundy's Bookshop." "I still remember the line in big bold italic print " "'Are you ready to live?" "'" "(Chuckles)" "Cut it out." "That's amazing." "A pretty one with an eye for the living dead!" "Talk to the hand, ghoul." "# OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC" "(Tess chuckles)" "Tommy, you are too sick to perform tonight." "I can't believe you were ever into this stuff." "This was my first ever job when I moved here." "Roland took me under his wing - he showed me the city, taught me how to sing and dance, make my own goulash." "So how come you guys didn't work out?" "I don't know." "One day, I just said hasta la vista, baby." "You know what I mean?" "And so, how's the pet shop?" "It's good, it's good." "Sold three axolotls today." "That's the Japanese fighting fish, right?" "No, no, no." "Mexican walking fish." "Trust me, you don't want to get those two confused." "If there's two creatures that should not be together, it's the Mexican walking fish and the Japanese fighting fish." "And the axolotl, he should just walk away, but he doesn't." "Stupid bugger doesn't know what trouble he's getting into." "(Woman screaming) (Applause)" "ROLAND:" "Welcome!" "Tonight is the dawn of Show Us Your Ghoulies, You're So Vain." "And the part this evening of Dracul will be played by the one and the only Roland Kuntz." "(Applause)" "AUDIENCE MEMBERS:" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "# You're extremely self-interested" "# You probably regard this song as being based on you" "# You're very outgoing" "# I expect you'll regard this production to be based on you" "# Won't you?" "Couldn't you?" "#" "(Men grunting and groaning)" "(Man speaks in French)" "(Both groan)" "Back in a jiffy." "# Oh, yeah!" "#" "Thank you very much." "(Applause)" "No, no, please." "Hey, you know something?" "You're the hottest audience in town, I'm not just saying that." "But you know we gotta get down to serious business tonight, ladies and gentlemen, because the house of Dracul requires a son and heir to carry on its legacy and so it falls to Dracul himself to take a bright..." "(Tess chuckles) Excuse me." "I say. (Clears throat)" "Look, I'm trying to perform before the public here and I wonder if you might take your private conversation and keep it until interval before you have it." "Is that, uh, OK?" "Am I out of line here?" "I hope I'm not being a pain in the neck." "(Laughter) Thank you very much." "But now we get back to the darkness..." "I'm gonna check on the drinks." "..as it casts its deathly..." "For Chrissakes, Declan!" "I'm sorry, can we kill it?" "(Music stops)" "Listen, I was..." "It's not enough, is it, that I give you, my best friend, and my ex-lover free tickets for tonight." "You've got to sit there canoodling with each other or wandering off." "That'd be like me coming into your pet shop and going to the toilet in your fish tanks." "Yeah." "Sorry, Roland." "I mean Dracula." "(Laughter)" "ROLAND:" "Thank you." "(Music resumes)" "And so we return to the mountains of Carpathia." "(Toilet flushes)" "Ah, excuse me, sir." "Hi." "I saw you in Man Heat." "Oh, sorry, not in Man Heat." "I saw you in the cinema enjoying Man Heat." "Um..." "listen, I was just wondering, my date went into the bathroom a little earlier, not long after you, in fact, and I just wondered, you were both in there for a while, so..." "It's the bathroom and we're men." "We do what we need to do and it takes as long as it takes." "Thank you." "# I didn't know you want me" "# I didn't know at all" "# I put your arms around me" "# So you wouldn't fall" "# I'm" "# Your" "# Dracula. #" "(Music stops)" "(Cheering and applause)" "ROLAND:" "Interval will be 15 minutes." "Wow." "That was brutal." "Like Guantanamo brutal." "Actually..." "I think I still might be in love with Roland." "Oh, really?" "Not!" "Ha-ha." "(Chuckles)" "Oh, nice one." "Yeah, I see what you did there." "Relax, Max!" "I'm totally over him." "I just seriously never understood you two together." "Sorry, it's just..." "I really like you, Tess." "And I could've given this date the best shot possible by taking you somewhere nice, and instead I listened to Roland and now we're stuck here having to watch him." "I like you too, Dec." "You know, maybe we should just go back there and tell him it's best that we leave, take this date on the road." "OK." "Yeah." "(Men groaning)" "What's happened to Jean Claude?" "Are you gay?" "What are you talking about?" "This is a gay movie." "This is not a gay movie." "It's a film about love, loss and... and... and regrets." "OK, maybe it's a little bit gay but it... it-it-it did win the big prize at Cannes in '73." "It's not that gay." "(Men grunting and groaning)" "We're thinking that maybe this was a bad idea and we should go." "No, no, please, no." "I insist you stay for the second act." "No, no, no, we've decided." "But please, no, it's the best bit - it's the dance routine." "And Tess will tell you" "I work very, very hard on my dance routines." "It's true - he does work very hard on them." "Well, yeah, but..." "No, but, Deckchair, listen, you are my ex-tenant and Tess is my ex-lover..." "I'm aware of the ex-lover thing, OK?" "Alright, alright, I was just being honest." "Tess and I had a wondrous sexual life together." "It was passionate and intense and borderline disgusting." "OK, come on." "The neighbours would often complain." "That's right, I remember the EPA came out once to measure the sound levels." "Roland." "But it was mainly you." "And do you remember that Valentine's Day ven we made love on the restaurant tram?" "OK, stop it." "Yes, a gentleman never tells and it was many years ago." "And tonight is about you two." "I promise to be on my best behaviour, Deckchair." "Scout's honour." "Well, it was called Man Heat." "Well, I didn't know that, either." "OK." "Look, sometimes..." "I'll take a woman out on a date to see a movie that's a little more cultural than your usual blockbuster fare to elude to a certain depth of character that perhaps in reality isn't there." "You were crying." "For fuck's sake, Marie lost her legs in that fire and Jean Claude couldn't get there in time." "You never had break-up sex with Gin." "Well, we'd broken up." "I'm trying to move on." "Well..." "And you..." "And what?" "(Whispers) You had an erection." "I did not have an erection." "You did." "I saw it." "I double-checked." "A denim sausage right during the sex scene with the doctor and Jean Claude." "(Chuckles) That wasn't an erection." "That was just a piss fat." "What?" "A piss fat." "What's a piss fat?" "(Sighs) Alright." "Sometimes with a full bladder, that can exert some pressure on the prostate and... a spontaneous erection can occur." "It's like in the morning, like a morning glory - that's a type of piss fat." "You mean it's not because you're horny?" "No, it's just 'cause I need to urinate." "It's mechanical." "It's not like an arousal." "It's like your tennis grunt." "(Chuckles)" "Well, I'm learning a lot." "OK, how about we start again?" "How about... how about..." "we go and find a bar, get a drink and we can talk about your bathroom habits?" "I don't know about this." "Declan..." "I've been having a bit of a rough time lately." "It's been really hard meeting nice guys." "That's why when I saw you jogging," "I just had to leap at the opportunity." "I'm sorry if I was a little bit forward." "Well, sorry if I was a bit backward." "Tess." "Yes." "Would I be right in assuming that you do not like me touching your face?" "I..." "Yeah." "I hate it." "I hate it." "I hate it." "That is not fly." "It is not fly at all." "Yeah, see, that's the other thing." "I have a feeling we've been stitched up by an old mate." "What?" "Yeah." "Did Roland tell you that I really like '90s catchphrases?" "Ay caramba!" "Yeah." "(Chuckles)" "I take it you don't love the '90s." "No." "Worst decade ever." "Not." "No, not 'not'." "Well, maybe when we get outta here," "I can show you the places where I like being stroked?" "How long's the second half?" "(Woman screaming)" "ROLAND:" "The house of Dracul requires a bride." "I wonder which of our lovely audience ladies here tonight would like to live forever." "# UP-BEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC" "(Audience clap)" "(Both laugh)" "Sue!" "Kane?" "What the fuck's going on?" "Hi, Johann." "(European accent) Hi, Sue." "I like your friend." "Shh." "Seriously, WHAT is going on?" "I thought you guys were going rock climbing." "I cannot rock climb." "My uncle is kaput after the bridge climb." "Virginia, I just want to say" "I think it's incredibly mature of you to allow this to happen." "Allow what?" "Well, Sue said..." "What movie are you guys seeing?" "Hey, I can highly recommend Homme De La Chaleur." "It's really great." "(Audience chatter)" "Tess?" "Tess?" "Hey, Roland, have you seen...?" "Tess!" "ROLAND:" "Deckchair, it's, uh..." "it's not what it looks like." "Oh..." "You conniving little bitch." "And you set me up with him?" "I mean, you honestly think that HE is better than HIM?" "Stop comparing me to the man with the funny face." "This is cruel, both to me and the man with the funny face." "Uh, Sue, I'm getting the distinct impression that you DID NOT run this by Gin." "By the way, he's not French, he's German." "That is very different to French." "You told her I was French?" "German is a tougher sell." "Anyway, Gin, you said you wanted to move on." "I like Kane, and he likes me, maybe." "And maybe we could be happy together." "Is there anything wrong with that?" "After years of meeting shitty guy after shitty guy," "I finally go to the movies with someone who seems to be a nice guy." "I mean, heaven forbid I be happy for once, Gin!" "You...!" "Please can everybody stop with my popcorn!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Get off me!" "(Gin and Sue shriek) Break it up, ladies!" "Be nice!" "Oh, my God." "Kane, try and control yourself." "It's a piss fat, Gin." "Learn about it." "Ja, Pisse Hart-an." "Oh." "Nuh." "This one's not a piss fat." "(Kane exhales)" "Oh." "Mm..." "I-I think, in hindsight, I may still have a thing for Roland." "It's just taken me until now to realise it." "Well, from what I could see, he still has a very large thing for you too." "Yeah, you mean his penis?" "His penis." "Yeah." "His penis." "Deckchair." "Deckchair, I, uh..." "I owe you an apology." "I told you it was not what it looked like." "But I'm afraid it voz exactly what it looked like." "Roland..." "I was being fellated by Tess, my ex-lover, on your dinner-and-show date." "It was most... unprofessional." "Jesus, Roland, was this your plan all along?" "I mean, if you weren't cool with this, you should've just said you weren't cool with it." "Look, I feel that I am responsible for putting a slight, perhaps, crimp in your date with Tess with our dressing room sexual activities." "I would like to invite you to join us both for a jacuzzi and a threesome, vampire style." "Roland, you are not a vampire." "I know what I am and what I am not." "Ze question for you, Deckchair, is what are you?" "I'm an axolotl who knows when to walk away." "Gavin!" "Do you like jacuzzis?" "(Men speaking in French)" "(Men groaning and grunting)" "Camping?" "Like outdoors in the bush camping?" "You enjoy the flavour without ingesting any of the food." "You hire a ranger to take all the stress out of it." "MAN:" "He looks like an underwear model." "Oh, sorry, cobbers, just having a quick bush shower." "How long has this been in there?" "MAN:" "Hard to say." "I don't think that dickhead is ever gonna leave." "Who's up for a little singalong?" "Oh, God." "When's interval?" "There's no interval." "The pressure builds to breaking point!" "(Stomach rumbles and gurgles)" "Captions by CSI Australia"