"[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]" "¶LadyGodiva Was a freedom rider ¶" "¶Woo-hoo-hoo¶ ¶ She didn't care ¶" "¶Ifthewholeworldlooked¶" "¶Joanof ArcwiththeLord To guide her ¶" "¶Woo-hoo-hoo¶" "¶Shewasasister Who really cooked ¶" "¶Isadorawasthe first Bra burner ¶" "¶Ain'tyouglad She showed up?" "¶" "¶Oh,yeah¶" "¶Andwhenthe country Was falling' apart ¶" "¶BetsyRoss Got it all sewed up ¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthenthere'sMaude¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthenthere'sMaude¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthenthere'sMaude¶" "¶Andthenthere's...¶" "¶Thatuncompromisin' Enterprisin' ¶" "¶Anythingbuttranquilizin' Right on, Maude!" "¶" "[PHONE RINGING]" "Hello?" "No, this is not Mr. Findlay." "It's Mrs. Findlay." "Yeah, Mr. Findlay has a much higher voice." "Wha" " Oh, fine." "Then I'll expect her soon." "Oh, by the way, what's her name?" "Mrs. Evans." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Bye-bye." "Car" " Oh, Phillip, is your mother up yet?" "Uh-huh." "Listen, honey, if you're gonna go out and play with your tape recorder, be careful of it." "And keep your jacket zipped up." "It's chilly outside." "It's warm out." "It is chilly." "Now, you keep your jacket zipped up, or Grandma Maude will rip your little heart out." "Bye." "Carol!" "I hear you, Mother." "Honey, I wanna get breakfast out of the way and the house straightened up in 15 minutes." "Morning, Maude." "Hi, honey." "Why all the frantic cleaning at 9:00 on a Saturday morning?" "I'm expecting somebody, and I don't want her to walk into a disorderly house." "This isn't a disorderly house." "This is a dirty house." "I've been in disorderly houses, and I know what they're like." "Be careful, Walter." "You have a long life ahead of you, and I'm gonna be with you every minute of it." "Great." "Coffee ready?" "Yeah, it's in the kitchen." "Right." "Carol!" "Carol, please." "I am up to my ashtrays in grime." "CAROL:" "I'm coming!" "Honey, I'm sorry I had to get you up so early on a Saturday morning, but the agency is sending over a housekeeper for me to interview." "It's okay." "I was up early, anyway." "That dumb kid was making so much noise, he woke me up at 7." "Phillip is not dumb." "Besides, you can't expect an 8-year-old to be quiet in the morning." "What was he doing?" "He was in his room, practicing swearing." "You're kidding." "He was shouting obscenities into that tape recorder you bought him, and then playing it back." "Oh, he was probably checking it out." "Whatever happened to "testing, one, two, three"?" "Anyway, I stopped him." "Gently, I hope." "Of course." "I told him to shut the hell up." "Walter, you've always had a marvelous way with children." "Well, any kid who yells dirty words into a tape recorder and then plays it back must have an uncommon need to be cursed at, and I was delighted to fill that need." "Listen, Walter." "Honey." "Listen." "This is your home." "And if you don't want my daughter and my only grandchild living here with us, just tell me." "And?" "And I'll rip your heart out." "All right, Mother, I'm here." "Am I allowed to have a cup of coffee before we start work?" "Oh, now, look, honey." "I know it's your day off, but this housekeeper is important." "So try not to remind me of all the money I wasted sending you through charm school." "I was out till 4 in the morning, you have me up at 9:00 to play house." "Where's Phillip?" "He's outside playing." "With his new tape recorder." "And you should hear what-- Walter." "Uh, don't you wanna find out who Carol was out with last night?" "No." "Who was it, honey?" "The Toyota dealer?" "The chiropodist?" "Or the one who said he isn't married and I know better?" "Mother, I'm not gonna sit here while you do a number on the men I date." "So stop asking who I was out with, what we had for dinner, and did we go all the way." "Carol, I have never in my life asked you a question like that." "Come on, where would I get a dumb expression like that?" "It's right out of the '40s." "Hey, come on, you two, cut it out." "I mean, does every house in America with a mother and daughter in it sound like this one?" "What are you talking about, Walter?" "Carol and I are the envy of every mother and daughter we know." "How do we know that, Mother?" "From all the telegrams we get." ""Dear Carol and Maude, we envy you." "Signed, a mother and daughter."" "Oh, listen, honey, let's finish up and straighten up the house a bit before the new housekeeper gets here." "I think it's ridiculous." "Us getting the place clean for a maid." "We do not say "maid." We say "housekeeper."" "Correction noted." "I suppose we're getting another black housekeeper?" "Well, how should I know?" "I didn't ask for one." "Mother!" "All right, I asked." "Yes, and you'll spoil her to death, and Walter will end up firing her, just like Marcy and Willie" "I do not spoil them." "You do, Maude." "You see black, and you melt." "It's not true." "It is." "A black maid says, "hello," you say, "I'm sorry."" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "There she is." "That's the housekeeper." "Carol, wait." "Carol." "Carol, don't you dare open that door." "Straighten up the place." "Fluff up some pillows or something." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Be right there!" "Carol, listen." "From that look on your face, you are gonna scare that poor woman to death." "Carol, you don't know how frightening it is for them to come into a brand-new situation in a white household." "I, for one, intend to make her feel warm and welcome." "Well, hello." "You must be Mrs. Evans." "I hope you didn't have any trouble finding us." "Oh, no, ma'am." "I heard you all the way from the bus stop." "Well, may I come in?" "Well, uh, of course, of course." "Come in, Mrs. Evans." "Meet my daughter, Carol." "Carol, this is Mrs. Evans." "Hello." "How do you do, ma'am?" "Ma'am?" "Oh, did I hear you say "ma'am"?" "Oh, no." "We can't have that in this household." "No, from now on, I want you to call her Carol and me Maude." "Now, what shall we call you?" "Mrs. Evans." "I" "I don't think you understand." "She understands just fine." "May I take your coat, Mrs. Evans?" "Thank you." "Uh, Mrs. Evans, won't you, uh, sit down?" "Sit down." "Would" "Would you excuse me a minute?" "Uh, Carol, I just wanted to ask you..." "How do you like her?" "I like her." "I mean, I love the way she comes on." "You love the way she comes on, but you don't see one inch beneath that, do you?" "Obviously, the poor woman is frightened to death." "No, what you call "coming on" is a defense." "It's her" " Her way of coping with the pain." "Mrs. Evans." "Mrs. Evans, have you ever met someone and instinctively liked that person at the very first time?" "No, never." "Oh." "This is a big house you have here, Mrs. Findlay." "Yes, but it cleans like a small one." "Oh, now, look." "The thing that we have to get straight right off the bat is that in this household, we are all on a first name basis." "I mean, even my daughter calls me Maude." "Now, what's your first name?" "Florida." "Florida." "Oh, you were named after the state." "No, I was named after my aunt." "Oh, and she was named after the state." "No, she was named after her mother." "Oh, her mother was-- Was named after an orange." "You see..." "They was picking 'em down there, and she went into labor right in the orange grove." "Had the baby 10 minutes later." "They was either gonna call her Florida or Sunkist." "Now you know the whole story." "Fascinating." "Fascinating." "I mean, the things that" "That come out of your culture are so..." "So rich, so...juicy." "Mmmmm-hm." "I got one about an apple I'll tell you sometime." "I like you, Florida." "You're funny." "Thank you, honey." "You know, Florida..." "You and I have a great deal in common." "We do?" "When I was young, we were very, very, very poor." "As a matter of fact, for the first seven years," "I had to share a bedroom with two sisters." "That many?" "Mmmm-mm." "CAROL:" "Poor Mother." "How you've suffered." "Carol." "She's such a tease." "She has her father's dimples, and look how she's flashing them at me." "Shameless child." "Maude." "Oh, Walter, I'd like you to meet Florida." "Hey, congratulations, Maude." "Eleven minutes." "That's the longest you've kept a maid in two years." "Walter, there's a thin line between love and hate... and you're erasing it." "Florida." "Florida, I'd like you to meet Mr. Findlay." "Hello." "Oh, how do you do?" "Florida, how nice." "You were named after the state." "Oh, don't be ridiculous, Walter." "She was named after an aunt." "Is something wrong?" "I was looking for the dimples." "The dimples?" "I guess they must be someplace else." "Oh!" "Oh, I'm sorry, Florida, I forgot." "Mr. Findlay isn't Carol's father." "You see, I was married before." "A lot before." "God'll get you for that, Walter." "What is it here, um..." "Just the three of you living here?" "Three and a half." "Carol's got an 8-year-old kid." "Phillip is not dumb." "And he's no trouble." "As a matter of fact, Florida, he's responsible for picking up his own room." "Sometimes he forgets." "Forgets?" "That kid served time for littering." "They're both such teasers." "But that's family." "And, Florida, dear, that's exactly how I want you to feel." "Like one of the family." "I got a family." "You bet you have." "Look, Mrs. Findlay, I really have to go, because today I'm my own housekeeper." "Well, Florida, the job's yours." "The agency said that you have" "Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons open." "And that's fine." "And the money's fine." "So, Florida, I want you to consider this your home." "I got a home." "You can say that again." "I'll be here Monday at 1:00." "Oh, and the first week will be on a trial basis." "Oh, Florida, don't be ridiculous." "You're not on trial." "I know." "You are." "See you Monday." "I hope you two are satisfied." "With all that quarreling and bickering, the poor woman doesn't know what to think." "Mother, Florida will survive the family." "She's wonderful." "It's your fawning over her that's the problem." "I do not fawn." "Carol, that woman needs our help." "She's not supposed to need our help." "She's supposed to be our help." "Walter, Florida is not your modern Negro." "She hasn't found that new sense of" "Of self-respect and militancy." "Let's face it." "Walter, Florida is your pre-liberation Southern black." "You make her sound like a tropical fish." "You better start looking for a new maid, Mother." "You're gonna need one in a week." "Oh?" "Listen, honey." "I have Monday, Wednesday and Friday." "I intend to treat that woman as an equal." "Teach her a new sense of self-respect." "By Friday, she wouldn't leave me if her life depended on it." "Maude...how can you be sure?" "Because her life will depend on it." "Maude?" "Maude!" "Carol?" "Phillip?" "Florida?" "Georgia?" "Mississippi?" "Anybody?" "Hi, Walter." "Where is everybody?" "I don't know." "I just got home myself." "Will you take a look at this?" "We're out of gin." "Yesterday this bottle was almost half full." "You don't suppose Florida's taking a little nip on it now and then, do you?" "Shame on you." "A little gin is missing, and just because we happen to have a black maid, you automatically think she took it." "Wrong." "I'd think Florida took it if she was Snow White." "My prejudice isn't color." "It's maids." "They drink." "The point I'm making, Florida, is that for the first time in history, the young blacks in the ghetto are trying for a bigger political voice." "Most of the kids in my neighborhood are trying for a hit record." "Let me take these in and put them in the kitchen." "I'll carry mine." "I'll take it, Mrs. Findlay." "Sorry about the dirty dishes on the coffee table, Mr. Findlay, but some people don't let nobody get their work done." "Carol, Walter, isn't Florida a dream?" "Did you see the way she just took that bag from me?" "Yeah." "Just like she was a maid." "Now, listen." "Walter, don't be a sore loser just because I told you she'd be happy here." "And by the way, Carol, today is Friday, and she hasn't said one word about quitting." "And it's no wonder, Maude." "We're out of gin." "Oh, I forgot." "Florida and I had a couple of martinis at lunch." "A couple of martinis at lunch?" "You and Florida?" "In most homes, the maid drinks on the sly." "In our house, it's part of her on-the-job training." "Oh, Miss Carol, I forgot to tell you." "Phillip's school called." "The principal wants to see you tomorrow." "He said something about a tape recorder." "CAROL:" "A tape recorder?" "Yeah, he said something about wiping it clean and having it impounded." "Mother, did you know something about this?" "Well...a little." "The other day, Walter caught Phillip swearing into his new tape recorder." "And you didn't tell me about it?" "Oh, honey, all little boys swear." "Maybe not like Phillip." "MAUDE:" "Walter." "No, it just didn't seem important." "Not important?" "My son takes an obscene tape recorder to school, you say it's not important?" "Oh, Carol, please." "By the way, Florida, why didn't you tell me about that call?" "The message was for her." "I know, but we-- What difference does it make?" "We were together all day." "Well, like I said, the message was for her." "Thank you, Florida." "It is about time someone respected the privacy of the individual around here." "Well, I don't know about that, but like I said, the message" "Don't say it again, Florida." "Yeah, I know." "I'm pretty sick of them words myself." "You are spoiling her rotten!" "I am?" "WALTER:" "She is?" "You are!" "You wanna talk about spoiling someone, let's talk about you and Phillip." "What did he need with a $49 tape recorder, anyway?" "That kid is spoiled rotten." "Walter!" "I said, "rotten," not "dumb."" "Mother, Phillip is my son." "Please keep your voice down." "She's liable to-- I am his mother." "You're absolutely right." "I think we should have the party on Saturday." "Still fighting about the kid, huh?" "Florida, where are you going?" "To get the groceries." "So why don't you use the back door?" "Walter!" "But she'll have a shorter walk." "It's closer to the car." "I know it's shorter, but you tell that to the NAACP over there." "Walter, I am" "I am shocked!" "You know that "the back door"" "still has racial overtones." "Come over here, and I'll tell you what I do know." "I know what you know, and it's not very much." "Maude." "You goofed." "You made a big mistake." "You should never-- Maude!" "Sit!" "You've been making a fool of yourself again." "I beg your pardon?" "He is right, Mother." "Take today." "I come home, the house is a mess, you and Florida aren't even here." "We were shopping, and keep your voice down." "Any minute now she's liable to come in." "I'm in!" "Okay, you can start talking." "By the way, since when does a maid come in at 1:00 in the afternoon and get lunch?" "Walter, you would take the food out of her mouth." "Yes, and the olive out of her martini." "You always overdo, Maude." "Florida, Phillip." "It's the same thing." "Walter, where are you going?" "Next door, to borrow some gin from Arthur." "His maid only drinks tequila." "I just" "I-I don't understand his attitude or yours." "That makes us even, Maude." "And do me a favor." "When Phillip comes in, let me talk to him about the tape recorder." "And another thing, Mother." "Try not to buy him a car until he's at least 10." "Carol!" "I got an announcement to make." "It's 6:00, the week is up, and I is out." "Florida." "Florida, you can't quit." "What do you mean, I can't quit?" "Are you the Mafia?" "But just because I had a few words with Carol and Walter." "That has nothing to do with it." "It's just plain you." "Me?" "Me?" "I must be losing my mind!" "Better you than me." "Florida, don't go." "I have to catch my bus." "May I have my money?" "Florida, I was only trying to help." "All right, go." "If you don't wanna improve yourself," "I'm not gonna try to change you." "What do you mean, improve myself?" "You wanna know?" "I'll tell you." "Florida, for one week I have been trying to prove to you that a black woman can be just as proud and just as self-respecting as a white woman, but you are too darn dumb to know it." "And for one week, I've been trying to do my work like a black woman who is just as proud and just as self-respecting as any white woman, and you are just too darn dumb to know that!" "Look, I like doing my work, Mrs. Findlay, but I don't like using the front door when the back door is closer," "I don't like drinking martinis in the middle of the day, and what's more, I like to eat in the kitchen by myself." "Florida, you are a bigot!" "I'm a what?" "How dare you deny me my God-given right to be your equal." "Listen, if I'm good enough to employ you," "I'm good enough to eat with you." "You wanna run that around again?" "No, I didn't understand it the first time." "Florida." "Oh, never mind." "No, wait!" "Listen, you may be leaving my house, but you're not going out through the back door." "All right, Mrs. Findlay." "Have it your way." "But the next time, do me a favor and get yourself a white maid, huh?" "She'll be able to use the back door, and it'll be a whole lot easier on her feet." "Good night, Florida." "See you Monday." "You won't see me Monday." "I'm breaking out of here for good." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Look, honey, I want you to know it has nothing to do with you." "But I just keep running into problems with white liberals that just won't quit." "Well, you're not gonna tell me you'd rather work for a bigot." "No, but at least they don't keep trying to change you." "They just hate you as you is." "Florida, you're okay." "[CHUCKLES]" "I really wish you'd stay." "I kinda like you too, honey." "You're groovy." "Maybe I could make Mother understand." "Oh, Walter." "if I die before my time, it won't be from drinking." "It'll be from running around looking for something to drink." "Walter, Florida's leaving for good." "Oh, I'm really sorry about that, Florida." "I kinda like your style." "Don't you think if Florida agreed to stay a while, you and I could get Maude to change?" "Not Maude." "Maude won't change." "And I want you to know something, Florida." "I like her style too." "CAROL:" "As a matter if fact, Florida, you and my mother are not that unalike." "Oh..." "Look, why don't you two hang loose." "Let me see if I can't fix up things." "[DOOR CREAKS]" "I was just checking to see if I didn't leave nothin'." "You didn't leave nothin'." "How can you be sure?" "Listen, Florida, since you're still here not looking for anything..." "I've been sitting here thinking, and..." "Well, if you'd like to stay, I'll let you work as long and as hard as you want." "You mean that?" "I mean you can work your butt off!" "Good!" "Now, you be here Monday at 1 p.m., and start with the bathrooms and bedrooms." "I always start with the kitchen and downstairs." "No, it's always best to start upstairs." "It's best to start downstairs." "Upstairs." "Look, you telling me, woman?" "This is my career!" "You just an amateur." "But honey, it's-- It's my house." "And mine to keep clean!" "Look, I ain't never trained no boss before, but you either gonna do what you do good, and let me do what I do good, or else that's that." "Do the things you do good." "See you Monday." "Going out back doors, one of the things I do real good." "Carol?" "Walter!" "And you said I couldn't keep a maid." "¶ Whatever Maudie wants ¶" "¶ Boo-ba-dee-ya Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ¶" "¶ Maudie gets ¶" "¶ Do-da-dee-yoo-do-do ¶" "¶ And, little man Little Maudie wants you ¶" "Wait a minute, don't take this as a review of your voice, Maude, but it's good to hear you singing around the house again." "Joy reigns again at the Findlays." "It must be your success with Florida." "Well, I must say that I-- Mother." "What would you say if I told you that Walter and I were responsible for Florida staying?" "I'd say..." ""Liar, liar, house on fire."" "¶ Whatever Maudie wants ¶" "¶ Boo-ba-dee-ya Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ¶" "¶ Maudie gets ¶" "[¶¶¶]" "¶Oh,yeah¶" "ANNOUNCER:" "Maude was recorded on tape before a live audience." "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthenthere's...¶" "¶Righton ,Maude!" "¶" "¶Righton ...¶"