"¶ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ¶" "¶ Songs that made The Hit Parade ¶" "¶ Guys like us We had it made ¶" "¶ Those were the days ¶" "¶ And you knew Where you were then ¶" "¶ Girls were girls And men were men ¶" "¶ Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again ¶" "¶ Didn't need No welfare state ¶" "¶ Everybody pulled His weight ¶" "¶ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ¶" "¶ Those were the days ¶" "Oh." "[LAUGHS]" "Oh, that's so funny, Bertha." "I'll have to remember to tell that one to Archie." "He always likes jokes that end up funnier than when they start out." "No, I had nothing special to say." "It's just it's so lonely around here since Gloria started working." "If it wasn't for the TV in the afternoon, there'd be nobody to talk to at all." "Oh, I hear him coming." "I got to hang up, Bertha." "Yeah." "Bye." "Oh, hello, Archie." "How was your day?" "Lousy, Edith, lousy." "The world out there is full of nuts and fruitcakes, and sometimes I think I'm gonna go the same way." "Oh, no." "Oh, be prepared, Edith." "If I got to ride them subways another two years, you're gonna have to check me into a rubber room." "Oh, ain't that funny?" "Bertha-- I was coming home" "I'm talking, Edith." "I'm coming home tonight and it's sardine time again." "Here's a guy pressed up against me so close, his buttons are making permanent dents in my flesh, see?" "So there we are." "We're riding nose to nose, and he starts talking to his daughter." "Well, what's the matter with that?" "She wasn't there, Edith." "Then on top of that, the bum behind me had beans for lunch." "How did you know that?" "I could tell by the way he smiled at me." "Oh." "Why ain't supper on the table here, huh?" "Well, can you wait a little while?" "Gloria ain't home from work yet." "Aw, jeez, there's another one that lost her nuts and bolts." "It's bad enough she's married to the meathead." "Now she's got to go working his way through school." "Edith, where's the aspirin?" "I have a head coming on." "It's upstairs." "Why is it always upstairs when I'm downstairs and downstairs when I'm upstairs?" "Can't you never organize nothing, Edith, huh?" "Oh, well, I'll get it." "No, no, no, don't bother." "I'll get the aspirin." "Get supper on the table, huh?" "Jeez, one of these days I'm gonna come home from work and I'm gonna reach out my two hands to get the things that I need and I want and I'm gonna find them..." "Oh, hello, Gloria." "How was your day at work?" "Lousy, Ma." "I'm telling you, it's a city full of weirdos out there." "To begin with, it was sales day at the store." "Do you have any idea what 50% off does to nice, normal women?" "It turns them into raving lunatics." "Did you ever see a size 18 fatso trying to zip herself into a size 10?" "No, but I remember" "Ma!" "I'm talking, Ma." "Now, if that wasn't bad enough, coming home on the bus I felt like a sardine in a can." "And lucky me," "I got to be standing right next to a groper." "He made me feel like a fresh loaf of Wonder Bread." "Oh, my." "I tell you, the only good thing about getting on a bus nowadays is knowing that you're getting off again." "Hold it, hold it there, little girl." "I could hear them complaints all the way up in the toilet." "Listen, you ain't been working long enough to know, but when you come home at the end of the day, you're supposed to leave your troubles outside the door." "You come in with a cheerful word and a smile." "Don't be bringing your burdens in here and dumping them on your mother." "Will you get supper on the table?" "Mike ain't home yet." "Oh, good." "Maybe we'll get a chance to look at the food now before it disappears." "In the meantime, can you bring me a beer over here?" "Oh, sure, Archie." "Ma, why isn't Michael home yet?" "Did he say he'd be late?" "No, I don't think so." "He better not be late, because after supper, he's got to help me move that refrigerator out there." "I got to fix a pipe that's leaking behind it." "GLORIA:" "Hi, Michael." "Hi." "How was your day?" "Lousy." "Ah!" "What's the matter?" "Ah!" "No, nothing." "It's just a little bit of a twinge." "It's your side again, isn't it?" "It's that dumb appendix." "Yeah." "That's why I'm late." "I've just been to see Dr. Nelson about it." "Oh, hi, Mike." "Here's your beer, Archie." "Leave it there, Edith." "Michael, I told you months ago you should have that taken care of." "Well, Gloria, Dr. Nelson said it's just a typical grumbling appendix." "There's no emergency." "Yeah, but it could flare up at any time." "But he said I could have it out whenever I'm ready." "Michael, I think you're ready." "Yeah." "I just don't like the idea of being cut." "Oh, nowadays, taking out your appendix is a simple, routine operation." "Oh, maybe not." "Them doctors open him up, they might find themselves rooting around in a bottomless pit." "What is it with you?" "Don't you take anything serious?" "Don't you see they want to cut out my appendix?" "Ah, face up to it like a man, will you?" "Jeez, I had an operation." "Nobody heard me hollering around." "Right, Edith?" "Oh, no, no, Archie." "You fainted." "Who asked you?" "I don't need an operation." "I mean, I can continue with the ice pack." "Why rush into these things?" "But, Michael, if it's gotta go, it's gotta go." "Why hang on to something that's useless?" "That's what I've been asking you ever since you married him." "Maybe the appendix ain't useless." "Maybe God put it there for doctors to practice up on for more serious operations." "You're a pip, you know that?" "Well, nobody's going to practice up on me." "I mean, when I decide to have this operation," "I'm gonna have the best." "Dr. Nelson recommended the best surgeon he knew." "He called Dr. McKenzie." "Well, you know who I think we should call?" "Who?" "Chicken Delight, Edith, because we ain't gonna get no supper out of you." "I'll help you, Ma." "Michael, I think you should have that appendix taken care of right away." "Gloria, I'm not ready yet." "Besides, where's the money coming from to pay for it?" "Our savings account." "Oh, no, no, no." "That's your money." "That's not mine." "Michael, that's our money." "We each contribute in our own way." "That's right." "You contribute deposits." "He contributes withdrawals." "Daddy, our marriage is an equal partnership." "We share everything." "Well, tell your equal partner he's gonna share some work with me tonight after supper." "Gonna move that refrigerator." "Michael, don't you move anything, not the way you're feeling tonight." "Don't be getting him out of work, will you?" "He gets out of enough work himself." "All right, Arch." "You want to move the refrigerator?" "Come on." "We'll do it now." "Ah!" "Ah, ah, no, no, no." "Ah, jeez, what's this supposed to be now?" "It's a pain." "I got a" " I got a sharp pain right here." "You're giving me a dull pain right there." "Ah, leave me alone, will you, Arch?" "Gloria!" "Yeah?" "Will you get me an ice pack, please?" "Oh, is it worse?" "Yeah, it's worse." "Oh, gee, maybe I'll have to have that operation after all." "I don't know how we're gonna pay for it." "Soup's on!" "Good." "It's about time, too." "Jeez, we're all starving over here." "What kind of soup you got, Edith?" "Oh, we're not having soup, Archie." "Well, what the hell are you yelling "Soup's on" for?" "It's just an expression." "It means dinner's ready." "Well, why can't you just say, "Dinner's ready"?" "All right." "Dinner's ready!" "Ah, no." "Not now." "Here you are, Michael." "Here's your ice pack." "You'd better take off your pants." "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "No pants off in the living room." "MICHAEL:" "Why not?" "Mixed company here." "Mixed company?" "Your mother don't want to see him standing in his drawers." "Arch, it's for my side." "Yeah, your side, your side." "It's for your lower side, which ain't supposed to be seen except behind bedroom doors." "Now get upstairs." "Daddy, Michael can't walk upstairs with this pain." "Oh, boy, you know something, Daddy?" "You're really a prude." "I'm a prude?" "How would you like it if I dropped my pants every time I wanted to put an ice pack up against my private parts?" "Archie, I ain't never seen you do that." "That is because I never do that, Edith." "Oh." "All done." "You can look now, Daddy." "Who the hell wants to look at that?" "Mike, here's some water, and I'll bring your plate." "You don't have to sit up at the table." "Oh, that's all right, Ma." "I don't feel like eating, anyway." "Hold it, hold it." "What's this I hear?" "He don't feel like eating?" "You're gonna have me believing he's really sick." "What is it with you, Meathead?" "You really feel bad?" "Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell you." "I feel terrible." "Oh." "Oh, jeez." "Well..." "I better eat." "Michael, I think you should have that operation soon." "Gloria, do you know how much Dr. McKenzie charges?" "350 dollars." "350 dollars?" "For one appendix?" "Certainly." "All them surgeons, they're highway robbers." "Why do you think they wear masks when they operate?" "GLORIA:" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Why don't we ask Audrey Stern to do the operation?" "Audrey Stern?" "Remember?" "She worked with us on the Youth Vote Registration campaign." "Dr. Audrey Stern?" "Oh, yeah." "She did Mary Goodwin's appendix for only 150 dollars." "Why don't I call her tonight?" "Well, I" " I don't know, Gloria." "I mean, Dr. Nelson already has me set up with Dr. McKenzie." "It doesn't sound ethical." "It sounds cheaper." "It sounds stupid." "What do you mean, stupid?" "I mean, little girl, that I wouldn't let no doctor by the name of Audrey fool around with me." "You take my advice there, Meathead." "You stick to a man." "You get yourself an older guy with experience, like McKenzie." "Daddy, how do you know how old Dr. McKenzie is?" "You never even heard of him till five minutes ago." "Well, I know Dr. Nelson." "I know he wouldn't recommend nobody who didn't have savvy." "So you're saying you'd rather be operated on by a doddery old man than an efficient young woman?" "That is right, little girl, because a woman doctor's only good for women's problems, like your "groinecology" there." "For a man's problems, you need a man doctor who knows his way around in there." "Nobody wants some nervous dame foostering around there." "I mean, she'd cut the wrong string and the poor guy's keister would fall off." "Daddy!" "What about you?" "What kind of a wife are you?" "Ain't you got no concern for your husband?" "He don't want to be operated on by no woman." "All right, Daddy, that's enough out of you." "Michael, what do you think?" "Should we call Audrey Stern?" "I don't know, Gloria." "I was just thinking, uh," "I don't know if I like the idea of a friend operating on me." "Friend?" "You only met her a couple times at the committee meetings." "Michael, she hardly rates as your best buddy." "Yeah, but even so, she knows me." "It's an emotional thing." "Michael, Audrey Stern is a fully qualified surgeon, and she's less expensive." "Gloria, it's not the money." "Well, what is it, then, Michael?" "Are you saying that a woman's reflexes are slower than a man's?" "Of course not." "Or her hands aren't as steady?" "No." "Well, then it must be that men are smarter than women." "Is that it?" "Bull's-eye, little girl." "Bull, period, Daddy." "You hear the lip on your daughter there?" "Mm-hmm." "Well, Michael?" "Is that it?" "Are men smarter than women?" "Gloria, I didn't say that." "Yeah, but you meant it." "Admit it, Michael." "You're as bad as Daddy." "You're prejudiced against a woman surgeon." "Gloria, this is my appendix." "It's my operation, so I want to pick my doctor!" "And pay him with my money." "Oh, now it's your money." "A minute ago, it was our money." "All right, Michael, our money, but that means at least I have a say in how we spend it." "Yes!" "When it's your appendix, you'll have a say." "Oh, listen, Michael, this is" "No, you listen" "Aah!" "Michael, what's the matter?" "!" "That's it." "It's flaring up." "Call the doctor." "Call the doctor." "Ma, call the doctor." "Right away!" "Which one?" "Give me that telephone, will you?" "I'll do that." "You don't know how to make no emergency call." "Listen, hey, Gloria." "Cover up the meathead over there." "I'll make the phone call here, and Edith, you" "Get some ketchup on the table." "Oh, I think I'm running a temperature." "EDITH:" "I'll get the thermometer." "Yeah, I'm burning up." "I'll get you a cool cloth, Michael." "ARCHIE:" "Yeah, well, when are you gonna hear from Dr. McKenzie?" "Dr. McKenzie?" "Daddy!" "Shush, will you?" "I'm on the line here." "Excuse me." "Yeah?" "Yeah, well, all right." "Well, when he comes in, have him call us, will you?" "As quick as possibly." "Yeah, thank you very much." "Daddy, why did you go and call Dr. McKenzie?" "You knew I wanted Dr. Audrey Stern." "How could you do that?" "Arch?" "What did Dr. McKenzie say?" "I didn't talk to him." "Don't worry." "They're trying to find him." "He's gonna call us as soon as he comes in." "Thanks, Arch." "Thanks?" "Michael, you knew I didn't want Dr. McKenzie." "I mean, we hadn't decided, had we?" "Well..." "I mean, you know Audrey Stern and you like her, right?" "Right." "And she's a good surgeon?" "Right." "So?" "So I'm glad Archie called Dr. McKenzie." "Daddy, this is all your fault." "Listen, little girl, one of the facts of life is that doctors are supposed to be men." "Men invented medicine, didn't they?" "Men made up your Hypocritical Oath there." "Women, if they want to be something, let them be nurses." "That's a ridiculous argument, Daddy." "Michael, here's your thermometer." "Oh, thanks, Ma." "Can I get you some more ice for your side?" "No, this is fine, Ma." "Michael, we could get Audrey Stern here in a flash and save ourselves $200 at the same time, but no, you won't trust a woman." "[MUMBLING] Gloria, that's not the point." "I just want a good doctor!" "He's absolutely right." "McKenzie costs more because the best always cost more." "That's how you tell what's good in America." "It costs more." "Sometimes Marcus Welby don't charge nothing at all." "And you can't get better than him." "Maybe we ought to turn on the TV, Edith, and Welby will jump out of the set and help us." "Daddy, McKenzie gets more than Audrey Stern because women are always underpaid." "Look at Ma!" "What are you dragging her into it for?" "She don't work." "Oh, no?" "What do you call housework, a vacation?" "Well, it ain't work." "You never see nobody paying for it." "No, you sure don't see Ma paid for it." "No, I sure don't see me being paid for it." "Will you stifle yourself over there?" "Well, housework is an important job, Archie." "It's just as important as your job." "That is a whole lot of baloney there, Edith." "The man is the breadwinner and you women have your bread won for you." "That's the way it is all over the world." "You're wrong, Arch." "There are plenty of tribes where the men sit at home and the women go out to work." "Where, where, where?" "Well, there's a tribe in New Guinea..." "Don't be bringing the I-talians into it." "God made women to stay at home." "How do you know that, Archie?" "Because it's in the Bible, Edith." "Look it up, huh?" "All them old Bible guys, they was always out there hunting and fishing." "The women stayed home and had babies, which they called in them days "begotten,"" "for religious reasons." "And in between all the begotten, the women was sweeping up the tents, they was milking the cows, polishing up all the idols... 102." "As many as they had." "No, that's my temperature." "Yeah, I don't feel good at all." "Oh." "GLORIA:" "Michael, what's the matter?" "Oh, I don't feel good." "Can I help?" "I'm sick." "Get out of the way!" "What is it?" "Michael!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Now, this is awful." "I better pack a bag for the hospital for him, just in case." "What did Dr. McKenzie say?" "I didn't talk to him, Edith." "They're trying to find the man." "He could be on any golf course in town." "Well, maybe we should've called Dr. Stern." "She would've been here now." "She's in the neighborhood." "So is Thomas Eddy, the butcher, but I wouldn't call him for an operation." "Ma?" "Michael threw up." "He's really sick." "I can't wait for Dr. McKenzie to call." "I'm gonna call Audrey Stern right now." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "No!" "Hello?" "Yes." "This is Mrs. Stivic." "Oh, my husband is really sick." "He has a temperature now of 102 and he just" "The receiving room in a half an hour." "Yes, we'll have him there." "Thank you very much." "Was that Dr. McKenzie?" "No, that was his nurse." "She said to get Michael to the hospital right away." "I'll pack the bag right now." "McKenzie's gonna meet us there." "I don't know how we're gonna pay him." "Have you thought about that?" "Yeah, I thought about that." "You ain't gonna pay him." "What?" "I am." "But Daddy, you can't do that." "Now, don't be telling me what I can't do, little girl." "But, Daddy, it's such a lot of money." "Yeah, I know it's a lot of money." "All right, youse pay me back whenever you can." "I'll put it on the meathead's tab." "Daddy, that's so sweet of you." "Don't be slobbering me like your mother, now." "That's from Michael too." "Now, wait a minute, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Come here." "Now, don't tell Michael nothing about my paying for that." "I don't want him to know nothing about it." "But, Daddy, Michael should know." "I mean, you're doing such a nice thing for him." "Well, after all, you know, he's, uh... the only meathead you got, right?" "Daddy, sometimes I could just" "And then sometimes you're" "Thank you, Daddy." "All right, let me make a phone call for a cab." "MICHAEL:" "Oh, boy." "Michael, are you feeling a little bit better now?" "Yeah, a little bit better." "The ice pack is helping." "Oh, good, because we're gonna take you to the hospital, right away." "Huh?" "Just come on." "Sit down right over here." "Ma's getting your bag." "Here it is, all packed." "Well, I don't know about going to the hospital." "I mean, I feel better now." "Oh, it's just like going to the dentist." "When you know you're going, your tooth always stops aching." "Yeah." "I wish this were a tooth." "Oh, no, Mike." "It would be much more serious if there was a tooth down there." "What was that, Ma?" "Well, you would have to have swallowed it like a cherry pit, and it would've got stuck in your appendix." "Stop, Ma." "When Mrs. Wiedermeyer had her appendix out, the doctor said it was an apple seed stuck in there." "Stop, Ma." "And, um, it..." "It puffed out like a big balloon, and the doctor got to it just before it blew up." "I think I'm sick again." "All right, we're all set." "I called a cab." "It'll be over in a few minutes." "Oh, gee, I'm not looking forward to this at all." "Don't worry, sweetheart." "I'm gonna be right there with you." "Ma, did you remember to pack everything?" "Uh, his toothbrush and his razor?" "Ah, he won't need no razor in the hospital." "If there's any shaving to be done, they know where to do it." "I think I got everything." "Did you remember his teddy bear?" "Stop it, Daddy." "I'm only trying to cheer him up." "His pajamas." "I forgot his pajamas." "I'll get them-- Aah!" "Michael, wait!" "Michael, what's the matter?" "The ice pack slipped!" "Is he all right, doctor?" "Yes, he's fine." "He'll be coming around any minute now." "Any problems with the operation there, doc?" "No, no problems at all." "That appendix came out like a loose cork." "But you didn't get him here a minute too soon." "We had to rush him straight onto the table." "Oh, my." "It's lucky nobody else was lying on it." "Yeah." "Archie, don't Mike look well?" "First time I ever seen him his mouth wasn't working." "I can't thank you enough, Dr. McKenzie." "Uh..." "Oh, I'm not Dr. McKenzie." "I'm the anesthetist." "Dr. McKenzie will be here any minute." "Oh, here she is now." "Are you really Dr. McKenzie?" "Yes." "[GIGGLES]" "It's very nice to meet you." "I'm Mrs. Stivic." "How do you do?" "What's so funny?" "Oh, forgive me for laughing, doctor, but my father though that you were an old man and I'm glad you're not." "So am I." "Daddy, would you come over here for a second, please?" "I have to talk to you." "What?" "Come here." "I" " I just want to know what you think now." "I mean, the operation's a success, and it was done by a woman doctor, and Michael's keister's still on." "Look at him eating over here." "Got his appendix out, so now he's got more room down there." "You're not going to get me angry, Arch." "I feel great." "The operation was sensation" "Oh, don't go on talking about the operation, will you?" "We're sick of it." "Oh, no, I want to hear about it so I can remember it." "What do you want to remember it for?" "You writing a book or something?" "No, it's for Sybil Gooley." "She's always telling me about her operation, and now I got an operation to tell her about." "You don't mind if I use yours, do you, Mike?" "No, Ma, just make sure to tell her how good Dr. McKenzie was." "Well, hooray for our side." "One giant step for womankind." "I wish the womankind at this table would take one giant step into the kitchen and come back with some ketchup." "No, Ma, you sit right there and enjoy your dinner." "If Daddy wants the ketchup, he can get it for himself." "Who the hell are you..." "[ALL ARGUING LOUDLY]" "ANNOUNCER:" "All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience."