"[Birds chirping]" "[Screaming]" "[Screaming continues]" "[Screaming]" "[Evil laughter]" "Nice tits, bitch." "[Screaming]" "* come run with me * * to the end of the world * * come run with me *" "* I know you're gonna save me *" "* she has a... *" "Billy:" "Yah!" "Thanksgiving break!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Johnny:" "Damn, Billy, cover those puppies up." "Nobody wants to see your nasty titties." "Billy:" "Shh, I'm trying to get" "Ali to show her big ol' tiggos." "Johnny:" "Oh, alright." "Ali:" "Yeah!" "Spring break, guys!" "Let's get wasted." "Kristen:" "Pull your shirt down, honey." "It's Thanksgiving, not tits-giving." "Ali:" "What?" "I thought Johnny would be thankful for my glorious boobies." "I know I am." "You know you like them." "* to the end of the world * * come run with me *" "Darren:" "Billy!" "Hey, guys!" "Hey!" "Johnny:" "Yo, what's the deal with him, anyway?" "Billy:" "Oh, it's cool, man." "He's with me." "A little weird, but you get used to it." "Johnny:" "Cool." "Ali:" "Hey, Johnny, we're gonna wait for you in the car, okay?" "Johnny:" "Alright, sweetie, we'll see you in a bit." "Ali:" "Yeah, guys, we'll see you there." "Billy:" "What's up, Darren?" "Darren:" "How's it going," "Billy?" "Johnny:" "Yo, what's up, man?" "My name is Johnny." "Darren:" "Hey, Johnny." "Yeah, I know you." "You're the backup quarterback for the tritons, aren't you?" "Johnny:" "That's just because I broke my leg last season." "You know Trent?" "The first-string quarterback?" "Darren:" "Oh, oh, yeah, no, you're better than him." "He's got nothing on you, man." "Johnny:" "He's got nothing." "Darren:" "No!" "Nothing." "* something different in these blue eyes * * like they were made for me *" "Johnny:" "Trent is Trent." "But Johnny, he's Johnny." "Yo, Billy." "Darren:" "Whoa." "Johnny:" "Here, check this out." "Weapon of mass destruction." "Go ahead, touch it." "Nice, right?" "Darren:" "Yeah, wow, that's huge." "Billy:" "Hey, Darren." "I got a muscle you can touch." "[Laughter] * come run with me *" "* I know you're gonna save me *" "* I know you're gonna save me *" "* I know you're gonna save me *" "* I know you're gonna save me *" "* I know you're gonna save me *" "Billy:" "Yeah!" "Thanksgiving break!" "Whoo-hoo!" "[Cat yowls]" "Oscar:" "Don't go running too far off, flashy." "Dinner will be done soon." "He's just a dog, Oscar." "And I'm just a lonely old hag." "[Zipping]" "[Rock music playing]" "Johnny:" "Jesus, man, you reek." "God." "Darren:" "So, guys, I was thinking, you know, since it's" "Thanksgiving and all, that we should go around and say what we're thankful for." "Billy:" "I'm thankful that your mom has the juiciest poon in town." "Johnny:" "Oh, nice!" "Burn, baby, good one." "Yeah." "Billy:" "Yeah." "Ali:" "What's poon?" "Kristen:" "You guys are so rude." "Darren, I'm thankful to be spending time with all of you guys." "And I'm glad we're all in good health." "Billy:" "Gay." "Johnny:" "No." "Not gay at all, Billy." "Actually, I think spending time with your family is one of the most important things in life." "Right, kristen?" "I just wish me and my old man had a little more time to bond." "He was the one who taught me how to throw the pigskin around all those years ago." "Unfortunately, we haven't been getting along lately." "Kristen:" "Billy, what are you thankful for?" "Billy:" "Well, I guess since my papa died last year, I guess I'm just grateful that I still got my little mama." "I'm going to show her a good time this Thanksgiving." "Kristen:" "Aw, Billy, that is so sweet." "Darren:" "Hey." "Hey." "I'm gonna go wild..." "I'm gonna go buck wild on this trip." "I'm gonna go skinny dipping without any clothes on." "I'm gonna ghost ride the whip, man." "Whoo!" "I'm going to have sex with someone in this car." "Yeah, and for once, you know, it's not gonna be just me by myself." "I'm gonna be the one doing the sexing." "Yeah, to one of you." "Ali:" "Well, it isn't gonna be me." "I'm a prude." "Johnny: [Snickering]" "Ali:" "What?" "Kristen:" "Nothing." "Johnny:" "Yeah, nothing." "Darren:" "Nothing at all, Ali." "Billy:" "Ali..." "You're kind of a ho." "I'm not gonna lie... you're pretty skanky." "Ali:" "I am not a ho." "There is only one man in my life." "Right, Johnny?" "Kristen:" "Oh, please, Ali, your legs are harder to shut than the jonbenet Ramsey case." "Billy:" "Oh, snap!" "Burn." "Johnny:" "That's good." "Oscar:" "Flashy!" "Dinner's done, boy." "Flashy, where are you?" "Flashy?" "[Rumbling]" "Where are you, boy?" "[Gobbling]" "Oh, fuck, I'm pissed." "[Dog yelping]" "Roud:" "Thank you, baby." "[Spitting]" "God damn, sheryl, that coffee tastes like shit." "What did you do?" "Take a dump in it?" "Ha." "As a matter of fact, I sure did." "I want a fucking divorce." "Roud:" "Alright, then." "[Telephone rings]" "Sheriff roud here." "Kristen:" "Hey, daddy, how are you?" "Roud:" "Hi, baby." "Are you on your way yet?" "Kristen:" "Yep, we've been on the road for about..." "Johnny:" "Kristen, toss me a beer." "Roud:" "Hey, what did he say?" "Did he just say toss?" "Kristen:" "Uh, no, dad..." "Roud:" "Tossing is illegal." "You can't do no tossing in a car, girl, do you understand that?" "Kristen:" "I know, daddy." "Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'll be home in a couple of hours." "Roud:" "Alright, sweetheart." "Hey, by the way, are you going to be able to go with me to the annual policeman's Thanksgiving ball tonight?" "Kristen:" "Uh, sure, yeah." "Roud:" "Great." "Oh, by the way, your stepmama left me." "Love you, bye." "[Heavy metal music playing]" "Johnny:" "What the hell?" "Aw, damn it." "I'm gonna have to pull over, guys." "Darren:" "Whoa, Billy." "Billy:" "Argh!" "Darren:" "Billy!" "God, dude." "Damn it." "Johnny:" "God damn!" "Kristen:" "How bad is it?" "Johnny:" "I don't know." "Looks like we definitely overheated." "Ali:" "Oh, I know!" "Maybe it's a flat tire, Johnny." "Johnny:" "Yeah, maybe, Ali." "Billy:" "Hey, we got tents and beer." "Let's party here tonight." "Darren:" "Yeah, that sounds awesome!" "Ali:" "Yeah, maybe if you get drunk enough, Johnny, you can look under my hood." "Johnny:" "Well, the car does need to cool off." "Let's do it." "All:" "Yeah!" "Darren:" "Right here!" "Ali:" "Camping." "Let's go get drunk." "Darren:" "Yeah!" "Drunk!" "Who wants to get laid?" "Where's my..." "This is mine." "Party, we're going to party all night." "We're gonna get so drunk and wasted." "I'm so excited!" "I'm so excited!" "Billy:" "Fucking faggot." "Darren:" "Ouch!" "Crawberg." "Where have I heard that name before?" "Guys, guys!" "Guys, guys, wait up." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait..." "Billy:" "Whoa there, junior." "Darren:" "There's a sign back there that said crawberg on it." "Ali:" "So what, Darren?" "Like, what's your point?" "Darren:" "You, you're trying to tell me that you don't know what crawberg is?" "Okay, guys, it's time for me to fill you in on one of the most notorious moments in pilgrim history." "Back in the 1500s, in the settlement of crawberg, an old" "Indian by the name of feather cloud, who some people thought had black magic powers, was dishonored by a pilgrim." "Ali:" "Oh, my ex-boyfriend was a pilgrim." "Darren:" "The pilgrim's name was Chuck Langston." "Billy:" "Well, that's my last name." "Darren:" "I know, Billy." "I've never thought about it before, but he's probably one of your ancestors." "Well, anyways." "The old Indian was so outraged, he vowed he would curse all white men." "This was no ordinary curse, however." "Feather cloud necromanced a..." "Turkey that would roam the earth every 505 years, killing the first humans he made contact with." "He was more evil than anything you've ever seen before... a" "Turkey that would stop at nothing to get what he wanted..." "To kill." "Billy:" "Are you shitting me?" "A killer Turkey?" "Johnny:" "Bullshit, Darren." "You're starting to scare kristen now." "Kristen:" "I'm not scared." "Ali:" "I'm scared." "Darren:" "Well, it's kind of a legend, guys." "There are tons of books written about it." "It's a pretty famous story." "Turkeyologists all over the world..." "Johnny:" "Oh, brother." "Darren:" "Know it as thankskilling." "Johnny:" "Let me guess, it's been 505 years later, right?" "Darren:" "No." "It will be in 45 minutes." "Ali:" "Come on, I mean, it's totally impossible for a Turkey to kill a human..." "Right?" "Johnny:" "Yeah, yeah it is." "Darren: [Chuckles]" "Oh, there are ways." "I guess we'll just have to wait and find out." "Johnny:" "Damn it, you little weasel." "I told you, this is not cool for you to scare us like this." "I mean there are girls here." "Billy:" "There sure are." "Darren:" "I'm getting wasted." "Because kristen told me that I could have a good time." "Billy:" "No, you're not." "Did you pay for that beer?" "I don't think so." "Kristen:" "Well, uh, since there are only so many tents, do you want to spend the night with me, Johnny?" "Johnny:" "Gee, kristen, I'd love to." "I mean, I could protect you, just in case you got scared or something." "Ali:" "I have a free spot in my tent, too, Johnny." "Oscar:" "Flashy?" "[Dog yelping]" "Flashy?" "Flashy!" "Your dog had an accident." "Oscar:" "What the hell?" "What kind of accident?" "Well, I took this here ax and I ax-identally cut him." "Get it?" "Ax-ident." "[Laughs]" "Oscar:" "Die, Turkey, you demon!" "So long, sucker." "Oscar:" "I will get you," "Turkey!" "I will get you if it's the last thing I ever do, you son of a bitch!" "Why, why?" "!" "First my wife, now you, flashy!" "Damn you, Turkey, damn you!" "Ali: [Yawns]" "It's getting late." "Kristen:" "This was fun, guys, but I think it's time to hit the sack." "Billy:" "Then go to bed after that." "Right, guys?" "Darren:" "Yeah!" "I got it," "Billy." "That was a good one." "Kristen:" "Shit!" "I forgot to call my dad." "Shit, shit, shit." "He's probably worried sick." "I'll be right back, I don't have service right here." "Johnny:" "Be careful." "Billy:" "Yeah, and don't wander off too far." "There might be an evil Turkey on the loose." "Roud:" "Where have you been, kristen?" "I've been waiting around two hours!" "Kristen:" "Sorry, daddy, our car broke down and we decided to camp out for the night." "I'll be back on the road first thing tomorrow though, and I'm totally fine, so don't worry." "Roud:" "Promise, punkin?" "Punkin?" "Kristen:" "Yes, yes, I promise, daddy." "I'll see you tomorrow." "We'll go to that banquet together." "Roud:" "Be careful." "Kristen:" "Love you, bye." "Roud:" "Love you, bye." "Kristen:" "Okay, girl, get a grip." "There is no such thing as an evil Turkey." "There is no such thing as an evil Turkey." "There's..." "No such thing as an evil" "Turkey." "Oh, wait, I lied." "Kristen: [Screaming]" "Shut the fuck up!" "You stupid bitch!" "I'm gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce, meanie." "Johnny:" "Jesus, kristen, what happened to you?" "!" "Kristen:" "You were right," "Darren!" "Your story was true." "There is an evil Turkey on the loose!" "Billy: [Laughs]" "Ali:" "Wow, kristen." "You're, like, almost as dumb as" "I am." "Darren:" "Yeah, it was just a story, kristen." "I doubt it's even true." "Johnny:" "Shut up, you guys!" "I think she might be serious." "Billy: [Laughing]" "Darren: [Laughing]" "Johnny:" "Where's the Turkey?" "Kristen:" "I don't know." "He was right behind me." "He was chasing me." "I don't know where he went." "Johnny:" "Well, I don't see anything." "Let's just go to bed." "Everything's gonna be okay." "Kristen:" "You don't believe me, do you?" "Johnny:" "I do believe you." "Kristen:" "Look me in the eyes." "Do you believe me?" "Johnny:" "I..." "Kristen:" "Out of everybody here, I thought you would believe me!" "Screw you, Johnny!" "Billy: [Laughing]" "Ali:" "You can screw me," "Johnny." "Eeeee!" "Darren:" "Whoa!" "Ali:" "Oh, look, it's a baby bunny." "Do you think he's okay?" "I mean, he looks kind of funny, doesn't he?" "Darren:" "Yeah!" "That's because his stomach got gnawed open." "Look at all of his guts hanging out." "This little baby bunny got its stomach gnawed open by a beak." "Not just any beak..." "A Turkey beak." "Billy:" "Fuckballs!" "Maybe kristen was right." "Johnny:" "Look, guys." "Just calm the "f" down." "Jesus, we're in the woods." "This type of shit happens all the time." "Let's just go to bed." "Billy:" "Yeah, demonic turkeys." "Gutted animals." "Yeah, let's sleep on it." "Great idea." "Darren:" "Well, I'm tired." "I'm pretty wasted anyway, so, uh, goodnight, all." "Billy:" "So, looks like it's just the two of us." "Ali:" "Don't even think about it, Billy." "You can feel up your own boobs tonight." "Billy:" "Well, what about tomorrow?" "Ali:" "I'll think about it." "Good night." "Billy:" "Who the hell are you?" "Oscar:" "You can just call me your guardian angel, kid." "That damn Turkey come along last night and was ready to peck your heart out." "Oscar:" "You're crazy!" "Oscar:" "Am I?" "Then what's them Turkey droppings doing on your chest, son?" "Billy:" "Oh, gross." "Oh, God." "Oscar:" "See, I told you." "That goddamn Turkey was out here last night, killed my precious dog, flashy." "I think he's out to get all of us." "Johnny:" "Who the hell is this creepster?" "Buzz off, old man." "Oscar:" "Trust me, kid." "Leave this cursed place now." "I'll take care of that goddamn" "Turkey." "[Chuckles]" "Johnny:" "You alright?" "Billy:" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Can we just get the girls up and get going?" "This place is giving me the heebie-jeebies." "Johnny:" "Yeah, that's good." "Look who's scared now." "Darren: [Laughs]" "[Engine turns over]" "Johnny:" "Billy!" "Hurry up!" "So, what did that old fart have to say to you anyway, Billy?" "Billy:" "Oh, nothing." "Johnny:" "Right." "Was it about a certain killer" "Turkey?" "Billy:" "No." "Okay, yeah." "So I believe what kristen said." "Big fucking deal." "Can we just shut up about it?" "Johnny:" "Oh, my." "Wait, wait, so you actually believe that there is a real killer Turkey on the loose?" "What a loser, God!" "Billy:" "Well, I know it sounds crazy, but, yeah." "I woke up with Turkey deuce all over me." "I think he was trying to kill me, but that old hermit saved me." "Ali:" "You're a freak, Billy." "A freak!" "But I believe your story." "Kristen:" "I'm not gonna say anything." "Darren:" "Wow." "I didn't think that my story would have this much of an effect on you guys." "I mean, you're the cool kids, right?" "Johnny:" "Whatever." "Can we just go back, enjoy our families and have a nice" "Thanksgiving break?" "Can we just do that?" "Okay?" "Billy:" "Sure, sure." "Johnny:" "Good." "God." "You guys and your damn Turkey stories." "Kristen:" "Johnny, I'm sorry about the things I said last night." "I guess I was just a little beaked out..." "I mean, freaked out, you know?" "Johnny:" "No need to apologize, gorgeous." "* young Johnny Steele has an oldsmobile * * he loves his dear little girl * * she is the queen of his gas machine * * she has his heart in a whirl * * now when they go for a... *" "ass, gas, or grass?" "Well, I'm out of gas." "Guess I'll take ass." "Mm-hmm." "Now that's what I call a tight ass." "Yeah." "No." "It's not for you." "Or anyone else, for that matter." "Please mister, please." "I have a daughter." "Call her." "Okay." "* to the church, we'll swiftly steal * * then our wedding bells will peal * hi, honey." "It's daddy." "Ha!" "Yeah, sweetie, I'll be home real soon." "Sweetie, please give mommy a kiss and tell her that... * they love to spark in the dark old park * * as they go flying along * [laughs]" "Ali:" "Thanks for driving me," "Johnny." "I really appreciate it." "You should totally call me up sometime." "I'd love to hang out with you." "Billy: [Laughs]" "Looks like someone is trying to get with you, Johnny." "Kristen:" "Haven't you noticed?" "She tries that with everyone." "It's like her legs are harder to shut than the jonbenet Ramsey case." "Johnny:" "Oh, shit!" "Dang!" "Billy:" "Damn, that was good." "Ali:" "Bye, guys." "Billy:" "Shit, that was good!" "Johnny:" "Yeah it was, man." "That was a good one." "Oh, God." "Billy:" "Oh, fuck." "[Laughter]" "Johnny: [Sighs]" "Oh, Johnny." "I was worried sick!" "Johnny:" "Mom, mom, I'm fine." "I'm okay." "I'm here now." "That's all that matters." "Now, come on." "Let's go say hi to your father." "Johnny:" "Ma, you know me and papa don't talk anymore." "Ever since I got put as second-string quarterback, he hasn't even wanted to talk to me." "Johnny, that was two whole weeks ago." "I'm sure he's over it." "Johnny:" "If you say so, ma." "If you say so." "Hey, pops." "Hey." "Long time no see." "How are you?" "Johnny:" "I'm good." "Um, yourself?" "[Farting]" "Please, bill, he's our son." "Johnny:" "I'm gonna just lie to him." "No, Johnny, no." "Please." "Johnny:" "Pops, I have some great news." "Yeah?" "Johnny:" "I-i did it." "I'm the starting quarterback for the tritons." "You are?" "Johnny:" "Yeah." "Good going, son." "I knew you could do it." "I knew you had it in you." "Just like your old pops." "Johnny:" "I did, too." "I love you, dad." "You're the best son anyone could ask for." "Enough of this bonding crap!" "Johnny:" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Go deep, Johnny." "[Laughs]" "Why, God, why?" "No more pumpkin pie." "No more cranberry sauce." "Just Turkey." "Fucking Turkey." "I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch." "He is fucking dead!" "Ali:" "Come on, baby." "Let's do it right here." "Are you sure?" "Your parents are right in there." "Ali:" "It's okay, they're cool with it." "Billy:" "And why are we all at my house again?" "Johnny:" "Well, guys..." "I think you deserve to know." "That Turkey..." "He..." "He's real." "He killed my parents." "Mmm, mmm." "Pink pumpkin pie." "[Slurps]" "Johnny:" "Where's Ali?" "I called her and left a message." "We need to warn her about that" "Turkey." "[Cellphone rings]" "Yeah." "Ali: [Moaning]" "God damn it, grant." "You really don't last that long, do you?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, yeah!" "Ali:" "Grant?" "You sound kind of funny." "You okay?" "I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you!" "[Moaning]" "Ohh!" "Damn, that was good." "You just got stuffed!" "Ali: [Screaming]" "[Laughs]" "Johnny:" "Wait here, guys." "I'll go get her." "Billy:" "Do you think we made it in time?" "Kristen:" "Don't even talk like that, Billy." "Darren:" "At least her legs were harder to close than jonbenet Ramsey's legs." "Billy:" "Is she?" "Is she?" "Johnny:" "Yes, guys, she's dead." "I found this in there, too." "And this." "An extra small gravy-flavored condom." "Billy:" "Son of a bitch." "She was finally warming up to me, too." "We've got to find a way to kill that cock-blocking Turkey." "Darren:" "What?" "No!" "I don't know how to kill this" "Turkey." "I mean, hell, he's survived everything that we've thrown at him." "Johnny:" "No!" "We haven't done anything to stop him yet." "Darren:" "Oh, yeah." "Well, there's only one way to kill him." "Remember all of those books that" "I was telling you that were written about about this Turkey?" "Billy:" "Yeah, so?" "Darren:" "Well, fuck, Billy, we go to the library." "Johnny:" "No, that's not gonna work." "All the libraries are closed at this time of night." "Kristen:" "Hey, guys, I just thought of something." "My dad has a huge collection of books." "I'm sure he has something on killer turkeys." "Darren:" "That could work." "Johnny:" "Yeah, true." "Let's do it, guys." "Let's go get that son of a bitch." "Roud:" "Hey." "Bills." "Bills." "Bills." "Hey." "Hey!" "I got to get dressed!" "[Doorbell rings]" "Hello there." "Hello?" "Those darn kids." "[Clears throat]" "Down here." "Roud:" "Oh, well, hello there, little buddy." "What can I do you for?" "Yeah." "Um, I'm looking for kelsey." "Roud:" "You mean kristen?" "Are you a friend of hers?" "Yeah." "Roud:" "Well I'd never known that she had a midget for a buddy." "You want to come in and wait on her?" "[Yawns]" "[Sneezes]" "Roud:" "Bless you." "Allergy season, you know?" "Fucking weather." "But it was nice today, huh?" "Roud:" "Did you just say" ""fucking"?" "What do you mean?" "Is that supposed to mean that midgets can't cuss?" "Roud:" "I wasn't worried about the size of the "fuck," I was worried about the age of the" ""fuck."" "How old are you?" "510 years old." "Roud:" "Fuck it then, I guess you can say it." "Hazelnut?" "Roud:" "Yep." "Well, I'm not gonna lie." "This is pretty damn awkward, sheriff." "I'm going to take off now." "Say hello to kristen for me, okay?" "Roud:" "Oh, no problem." "I am a big proponent of you little guys." "I think y'all been treated wrong." "One more word and I swear to" "God!" "Roud:" "What did you say?" "Nothing." "Nothing at all." "Have a good night, sheriff." "Roud:" "Alright, pal." "You take care." "Man, what an odd little duck." "Alright, that does it." "Roud: [Screaming]" "Kristen:" "I hope we get there before he gets to my dad, too." "Johnny:" "Well, maybe he can help us." "I mean, he is a cop." "Kristen:" "Okay, right there." "And there... that's the house." "Johnny:" "Yeah, I know, I remember." "I dropped you off last night, kristen." "Kristen:" "Oh, right." "[Knock on door]" "Oh, hello, sweetie." "How are you?" "Kristen:" "Daddy!" "You look different." "Oh." "Kristen:" "Oh, you got a haircut." "Yeah!" "Aren't you gonna introduce me to your friends?" "Kristen:" "Of course." "This is Johnny." "Johnny:" "Hey, how you doing?" "Kristen:" "And Darren." "Darren: happy Thanksgiving, sheriff." "Kristen:" "And Billy." "Billy:" "Hi." "How are you guys?" "Kristen:" "Dad, we need to use your collection of books." "Would you mind showing us to the garage?" "Um, of course, yeah, no problem at all." "I mean..." "Where is it again, honey?" "Kristen:" "Oh, dad, you and your rapidly fading memory." "Darren:" "Excuse me, sir." "Kristen:" "Well, guys, here it is." "I'm sure we'll be able to find something in here." "What is it that you kids are looking for?" "Darren:" "Well, actually, sheriff, there's this book that..." "Kristen:" "Oh, nothing, daddy." "I got poison Ivy yesterday and" "I'm looking for a cure." "Oh, okay, good luck now, kids." "Kristen:" "Thanks, daddy." "I'd die if wasn't for you." "More like you will die if it was for me." "Kristen:" "What was that, daddy?" "Oh, nothing at all." "Darren:" "So, kristen, tell me, why didn't you tell your father about the killer Turkey?" "Kristen:" "Maybe 'cause he'd never believe us in a million years." "I was just trying to avoid a long conversation." "Darren:" "That's right." "That makes sense." "Johnny:" "Alright, guys, let's get to work." "Darren:" "Guys, I found it." "Billy:" "It's about time." "God, that took forever." "Kristen:" "That was five minutes." "Darren:" "Whoa, guys." "Look... right here, it says the" "Turkey can be killed if he is removed from his magical talisman." "Johnny:" "I don't know, guys." "I never noticed any magical talisman." "Kristen:" "He probably keeps it hidden under his feathers." "Darren:" "No, kristen, I think you're exactly right." "Look... this is what it says." "If the talisman is not in plain view, then it is very probable that the Turkey keeps it in his plumage." "Johnny:" "Great." "All we have to do is catch him, remove his stupid thingie, and he's dead?" "Kristen:" "I think we still have to kill him." "Darren, does it say if there's some special way to that?" "Darren:" "See, that's the problem." "The rest of this book is written in code." "It's a mathematical code, so I think I can crack it." "No, I know I can crack it." "Billy:" "God, I hate books." "Can't it just tell us what to do?" "Kristen, do you have any snacks or anything?" "I'm starving." "I don't know, Billy." "How can you be thinking about food at a time like this?" "Billy:" "Well, I'm hungry." "Darren:" "Billy, just go outside or something." "Go find something to eat." "We'll figure this out." "Johnny:" "You got it yet?" "Darren:" "Just..." "[Whispering indistinctly]" "Johnny:" "Hurry up." "Darren:" "Johnny." "Billy:" "Where is the fucking kitchen?" "I'm fucking starving." "I just want some food." "Oh, hey, sheriff." "What you got there?" "Oh, just tidying up." "Nothing to see here." "Billy:" "If that's the sheriff, then you must be Turkey!" "Guys!" "Come on, come quick, the" "Turkey's here!" "[Laughs]" "You kids are retarded." "Darren:" "Leave us alone!" "Why are you bothering us?" "!" "Kristen:" "Daddy, no!" "Shut up, I do the talking, faggot." "A long time ago, one of your ancestors disrespected our people really, really badly." "And so as payback, I'm here to kill any white person that disrespects Indians or our land." "Johnny:" "But we gave your people land, and we let you have casinos." "Doesn't that make up for what our ancestors did?" "[Laughs]" "It almost did, but it didn't." "Prepare to be dead!" "You fat bastard!" "Billy:" "Quit just standing there, guys, grab his fucking thingie!" "Johnny:" "Got it!" "Kristen:" "Now what do we do," "Darren?" "Darren:" "I don't know!" "I haven't figured out the equation yet!" "[Laughs]" "Kristen:" "God damn it!" "Douche bags!" "Billy:" "All that work for nothing?" "You guys suck sometimes." "Kristen:" "It wasn't for nothing, Billy." "We got the talisman." "Now we can kill him." "Billy:" "God, I'm so tired of this stupid Turkey just playing games with us, like we're some kind of puppets." "Whatever, I'm out of here." "Darren:" "Be careful, Billy, you know he's still out there." "Johnny:" "Well... he's dead." "Kristen:" "Don't say stupid shit like that." "Now, Darren, do your magic." "Darren:" "Alright." "Johnny:" "I'm sorry for your loss, kristen." "I'm sorry that we were even thrown into this mess." "Things will never be the same again." "It's all my fault." "Kristen:" "It's not your fault." "There are just some things in life we can't control." "And unfortunately, this is isn't like a football game where we can just call an audible at any time." "Johnny:" "You're right." "Life is not like a playbook." "I just got to roll with it." "Life moves on." "Kristen:" "I just wanted to let you know, Johnny, that I really appreciate everything you've done for us." "You can be my quarterback any day." "Johnny:" "Oh, kristen." "Darren:" "Hey, guys... whoa." "Hey, guys, whoa, um, I cracked the code." "I know how to kill the Turkey now." "Kristen:" "So, what does it say?" "Well, basically it tells me everything we need to know to kill him." "And I'm just figuring that's why the code was so hard to break." "Johnny:" "Okay, Darren, you haven't told us anything yet." "Darren:" "Oh, right." "Okay, so, we need to burn him at the stake, just like a witch." "And then we need to say a demonic prayer in unison backwards." "Just the usual thing." "Johnny:" "Damn!" "This shit is not gonna be easy." "Darren:" "No shit, it's not gonna be easy." "He was necromanced by one of the most powerful Indians in history." "Kristen:" "We got to do what we got to do." "Johnny:" "First thing we have to do is find out where this" "Turkey's at." "Darren:" "It says here, "if the"" "Turkey is nowhere to be seen, it's likely he's returned to his" ""teepee."" "Johnny:" "Shit, there can't be that many teepees in town, can there?" "Let's go blitz his ass." "Darren: "However, if he is"" "not in the teepee, he's killing" ""one of your friends."" "All:" "Billy!" "[Laughs]" "Sucker." "Billy:" "So hungry." "God damn." "Oh, Billy!" "Billy, Billy, Billy, come eat me!" "Come eat me, Billy." "I taste real good." "Billy:" "That hit the spot." "[Belches]" "Oh!" "Gobble, gobble, motherfucker." "Now that's what I call "fowl"" "play." "[Laughs]" "Johnny:" "I think we're too late." "Darren:" "Holy shit!" "Guys, pull over!" "Pull over, there's Billy!" "There's Billy, pull over, God damn it!" "No!" "Billy!" "Billy!" "My buddy, my best friend!" "No, you can't go like this!" "Billy, you can't go like this, man." "Billy:" "It's okay." "You're one of the cool kids now." "Darren:" "It's not even that bad, Billy." "I am one of the cool kids, because of you." "Because of you, I'm one of the cool kids!" "You're my best friend." "We've been through good and bad times." "Good and bad times together," "Billy." "It's not gonna end like this." "There's gonna be many more good times." "And we're not gonna let there be a lot of bad times." "You're my best friend." "I'm going to fucking kill that goddamn Turkey." "I swear to fucking God." "Billy!" "Billy, no, you can't go!" "It's not even that bad." "It's not even that bad." "Billy, I love you." "You're my friend." "I've never had anybody come into my life like you, Billy." "Remember when you gave me my first ice-cream cone under the sunset?" "I miss you so much, Billy." "This song goes out to you." "Oh, yeah." "Mmm." "Yeah, I love you, Billy." "* and now you've gone and left me * * you were my, you were my friend * * my friend * * you got killed by the" "Turkey * * who's not, who's not my friend * * he's not my friend, yeah * * oh Billy, Billy, Billy, you were my, my best friend * * we were meant to be best" "friends forever * * and now you are a dead best friend * * a dead best friend *" "* Billy, why did you have to leave me, Billy * * why did you have to leave me * * you were my best friend," "Billy * * best friend, Billy *" "[classical music playing]" "Oh, yeah." "Tossing." "Perfect." "Low in calories, high in fiber." "Toss it." "Whew, nothing like a long day to have a big juicy salad in my stomach." "Kristen:" "There's the teepee, guys, on the side of the road." "Darren:" "Okay, guys, so, what are we gonna do now?" "Johnny:" "Fuck, I don't know." "I didn't really think about that." "Kristen, what do you got?" "Kristen:" "I don't know." "Do we have any rope?" "Johnny:" "Yeah, I got some out of the jeep." "I thought it could be useful." "Kristen:" "Okay, well, this is a start." "Darren, how about Johnny and I go in through the main entrance and we can distract Turkey." "Then all you have to do is go in through the back, sneak up on him, nail him, and tie him up with this rope." "Darren:" "So I'm doing all the work?" "Johnny:" "Do you want to avenge" "Billy's death or not?" "That's what I thought." "Now quit being a pussy and let's make this happen." "Darren:" "Fine, fine, I'll do it." "Kristen:" "Wait, do we have matches or a lighter?" "Johnny:" "Yeah, I got a lighter right here." "I'm always prepared, baby, and when I'm not, I just call an audible." "Darren:" "Okay, well, let's kick this foul-mouthed bastard's ass." "Johnny:" "Let's do it." "[Music continues]" "[Record scratches]" "You're not such a badass after all." "[Laughs]" "Your dad thought I was pretty badass." "Johnny:" "You bastard, I'm gonna fucking kill you." "Kristen:" "Not now, Johnny." "What do you think you're doing?" "You kids can't kill me, assholes..." "I'm invincible." "Oh, shit!" "What the fu...?" "What are you going to do?" "Catch a fish, you fucking prick?" "Darren:" "I got him!" "What!" "What, Turkey?" "!" "Johnny:" "Good job, man." "Darren:" "Oh my God, I'm on fire!" "What is this?" "Looks like I got something you don't got, Turkey." "What's that, Darren?" "A vagina?" "Darren:" "Fuck, no!" "I've got a book that's gonna send you straight to hell." "You think that's real?" "You kids are even more retarded than Billy!" "Johnny:" "Go back, go back!" "Kristen:" "Calm down, Darren." "Johnny:" "Don't listen to him," "Darren." "Let's just finish this bastard." "You got the prayer ready?" "Darren:" "I've got to find the fucking prayer." "I've got it." "You ready?" "Johnny:" "Let's do this." "Darren:" "Let's do it." "All:" "Ashlashi begundi ka." "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, fucking blah." "All:" "Kribash sholash kari mafesto." "This is the stupidest thing you kids have done yet." "All:" "Ashlashi begundi ka." "Kribash sholash kari mafesto." "Oh, what are you..." "All:" "Ashlashi begundi ka." "Stop!" "Stop it!" "All:" "Kribash sholash kari mafesto." "Darren:" "There, guys!" "Johnny:" "At least it's working." "Darren:" "Yeah, that should've worked, because now he's lost all of his invincibility power." "Okay, it says here, he's now ready to be sacrificed." "Fuck, burn him alive, guys." "Kristen:" "Nice, you still got that lighter, Johnny?" "Johnny:" "Yeah, I got it." "Kristen:" "I'm ready to see this cock burn." "Johnny:" "You mean Turkey, right?" "Kristen:" "No, I mean like a dick, not like the animal." "Do you have the lighter or not?" "Johnny:" "Yeah, I got it." "So long, suckers." "[Laughs]" "Oscar:" "Not this time, asshole!" "Oh, fuck!" "Argh!" "[Coughing]" "Johnny:" "You!" "Where did that Turkey go?" "Oscar:" "I killed that son of a bitch." "He's right in that dumpster right over there." "Kristen:" "You don't understand, he needs to be killed in a certain way." "If he isn't, who know what might happen." "Johnny:" "Bastard." "Kristen:" "Oh, yep, he's dead." "That's pretty nasty." "Oh, shit." "Kristen:" "Nice shot, hermit." "Oscar:" "Thank you there, pretty lady, but it was pretty much point-blank range." "Johnny:" "Yeah, it was." "Oscar:" "Well, looks like my work's done here." "Killed that goddamn Turkey, and avenged the death of my dog, ol' flashy." "Kristen:" "Yeah, I'm really sorry about your dog." "That must be hard to deal with." "Oscar:" "Well, I know he's in a better place now, but it still hurts a little bit on the inside." "One of these days, you kids there, you might feel what I feel when losing somebody you love, like your mother, your father, or your best friend." "Well, I've got to go, kids, here." "You guys have a good night." "Johnny:" "Well, I sure learned a lot from this experience." "And I made lifelong friends." "Kristen:" "What a nice guy." "Johnny:" "I don't know." "He fucking kind of creeps me out." "Kind of weird." "I don't know, though, he did save our lives." "I guess that makes him cool, right?" "Darren:" "Well, guys, we just killed the most demonic Turkey to ever roam the face of the earth." "What now?" "[Laughter]" "Johnny:" "We did, didn't we?" "Darren:" "We sure did." "Johnny:" "Well, I don't think we can do anything to top this one." "What do you say we go back to kristen's and watch the movies?" "How does that sound?" "Darren:" "Hell, yes." "Hell, yes." "Kristen:" "Come on, guys, it's through here." "Johnny:" "Let's rock this movie." "Darren:" "I want to watch it." "I'm so excited." "Johnny:" "Got my popcorn, all snuggled up on the couch." "So, you know, kristen." "In a way, I'm kind of glad all this happened." "If not, I wouldn't have gotten this close to you." "I may have lost my parents, but" "I gained a girlfriend." "Kristen:" "G-girlfriend?" "Darren:" "Oh, brother." "Kristen:" "You mean..." "Johnny:" "Yes." "Will you go out with me?" "Kristen:" "Oh, Johnny, I don't know what to say." "I mean, I do know what to say." "Yes, of course." "Johnny:" "Awesome, she's gonna go out with me." "Awesome." "[Unzipping]" "Darren:" "I'm gonna go pee now." "Yeah, I'm going to go pee." "[Zing!" "]" "Aah!" "[Ding!" "]" "You're done, bitch." "Darren:" "You son of a bitch!" "Why can't you just die already?" "Argh!" "Darren: [Screaming]" "Billy:" "Come on, Darren." "Come on." "God's a-waiting." "Come on." "No turkeys up here, Darren." "Come on." "Let's go." "Let's go." "[Laughs]" "Kristen:" "What's the matter," "Johnny?" "Johnny:" "I don't know." "I thought I heard Turkey." "I couldn't have." "It just..." "It just must have been a bad dream." "Kristen:" "There is no way," "Johnny, he had a shotgun wound the size of my head." "Plus, we said the prayer in reverse." "Johnny:" "Yeah, you're right." "He's got be dead." "Unless he fell into some radioactive waste." "What are the odds of that happening, right?" "Kristen:" "Don't be silly, that kind of stuff only happens in movies." "Johnny:" "You're right, you're right." "Well, I'm going to go check on" "Darren." "I'm still a little freaked about that dream." "Kristen:" "There is nothing to be worried about, Johnny." "Remember that." "Okay, I'll be right back." "Johnny:" "Darren?" "Darren, this isn't funny." "Where you at, man?" "I'm in the kitchen, making a Turkey sandwich." "Johnny:" "Alright." "Darren..." "Kristen, he's... [screaming]" "Kristen:" "Johnny!" "No!" "You!" "How are you still alive?" "I always come back for seconds." "Johnny, come on!" "We've got to get out of here!" "Hang in there, Johnny!" "Don't you leave me!" "Come on, let's hide in that shack over there." "Johnny:" "I don't think I'm gonna make it." "Don't say that." "You're gonna be fine." "Hang in there, Johnny." "You still got that lighter?" "Yeah, here." "Roast in hell, asshole." "Oh, fuck." "No!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, my feathers are fucking melting!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Johnny:" "I'm not gonna make it." "I'm sorry, I wish I could call a time out for this one." "Kristen:" "Stop it." "Shut up, shut up." "Johnny:" "Look at me." "You did good." "You survived, and that's all that matters." "Kristen, I love you." "Kristen:" "I love you, too." "Darren:" "We need to burn him at the stake, just like a witch." "Kristen: "Peck" on someone your own size." "[Screaming]" "God!" "Oh, it fucking burns!" "[Screaming]" "I'll come back!" "I'll kill you all!" "Oscar:" "Well-done, gal." "Kristen:" "Yeah, I know." "Oscar: [Laughs]" "I brought pie." "Mmm, yeah." "Can't wait to eat." "No, not yet." "Why are you wearing that hat," "Caleb?" "I just love Thanksgiving." "Okay." "Let's bow our heads." "Our father in heaven, we give thanks for the pleasure of gathering together for this occasion." "We give thanks for this food prepared by loving hands." "We give thanks for life, the freedom to enjoy it all and all other blessings." "As we partake of this food, we pray for the health and strength to carry on and try to live as you would have us." "This we ask in the name of" "Christ, our heavenly father." "Amen." "Argh!" "Do I smell sequel, biatch?" "!"